Kevin Nealon Returns

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Kevin Nealon Returns

Publish Date: February 4, 2026
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Kevin Nealon

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Episode Overview

In this deeply funny and meandering episode of "You Made It Weird," Pete Holmes welcomes Kevin Nealon back for a long, playful, and heartfelt conversation. The two cover everything from the strange pressures and joys of stand-up to spiritual philosophy, run-ins with showbiz legends, aging, silly jokes, and the deep satisfaction of genuine connection. It's an episode full of laughter, self-aware banter, and existential ponderings—with classic Nealon and Holmes goofiness throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kevin Nealon’s New Special, Art, and Projects ([02:54], [11:09], [12:09], [19:19], [104:42])

• Special: “Loosen the Crotch”
  • Available on YouTube (and via 800 Pound Gorilla’s YouTube or Kevin’s channel).
  • Taped at Irvine Improv ([19:17]).
  • Title comes from an actual pair of perfectly fitting jeans—tied into a story about his cat Pierre and sentimental attachment ([19:33]–[21:19]).
• Visual Art:
  • Kevin discusses his visual art and caricatures (he’s a painter) ([11:22]), his book “I Exaggerate” ([11:45]), and now sells art at kevinnealonart.com.
• Documentary Project:
  • Exec produced a Sundance documentary, "Come See Me in the Good Light," about poet laureate Andrea Gibson and her partner, Megan Fowley ([05:17]–[06:41], [104:42]).

2. The Weird and Fun of Compliment-Giving ([03:54], [04:01], [06:41], [17:09], [41:05])

• Both Pete and Kevin banter about accepting compliments, with Nealon noting growth in being able to just say “thank you” ([03:54]).
• Running joke about what is and isn’t a compliment, and how strange it feels ("That’s a compliment. Take it." – Kevin, [06:54]; "You can’t say what is and isn’t a compliment." – Pete, [06:59]).

3. Comedy Styles & Stand-Up Reflection ([08:05], [13:14], [23:26], [24:28], [48:09])

• Pete admires Kevin’s "loose and fun" comedy:

  “Your comedy isn’t effortful. It doesn’t feel effortful. It feels loose. It feels like you’re just having fun.” – Pete ([08:06])

• Kevin reflects on his steady, non-chasing approach to career ("I’ve always been at this level of not chasing it… Maybe things will come along the way they're supposed to." – Kevin, [23:32]).
• Both discuss how stand-up evolves, including releasing specials, material development, and the pain of editing ([47:41], [51:54]).

4. Philosophy, Spirituality & Atheism ([15:19], [42:20], [43:04], [44:22])

• Pete invokes Eckhart Tolle:

  “How you feel right now is how you feel about your life…” ([15:29])

• The duo dig into happiness, worry, and the importance of presence.
• Later, they explore atheism, spirituality, and the concept of God:

  "I don’t think God exists. I think God is what makes existence knowable and experienceable.” – Pete ([43:10])

• Discuss cartoons as metaphors for existence, and the appeal of atheism as spacious and unburdened by dogma ([44:22]).

5. Showbiz Life: Legendary Comedians, SNL, and Old-LA Comedy ([10:13], [61:32], [62:31], [73:19])

• Kevin shares insider stories from his days bartending at the Improv, meeting legends like Christopher Lloyd, Marty Feldman, Andy Kaufman, Steve Martin, Robin Williams, and Richard Lewis.
• Recounts Andy Kaufman talking about TM at length ([63:03]), seeing Robin Williams perform in his Mork suspenders ([62:37]), and the distinct energy of the Melrose Improv scene.
• Memories of SNL:
  • Working with Farley, Spade, Sandler, and the frat-like environment ([90:33]–[91:56])
  • Farley’s legendary (and literal) “pooping out the window” story ([92:15])
• Observes how, in comedy, being part of the tribe—knowing and being known by other comics—is the real achievement ("His greatest achievement is being included in the New York comedy scene." – Pete quoting Steve Byrne's old bio, [73:40])

6. Parenting and Intergenerational Humor ([27:20], [30:13], [30:18], [31:14], [88:53])

• Both discuss validating their children’s tastes, watching their kids' shows, and refraining from critiquing:

  "I’m just trying to give her validity. Like, her opinions matter. What she likes matters." – Pete ([30:14])

• Kevin shares how he mirrors people’s energy, and the art of “warming into it” ([87:53]–[88:53]).

7. Health, Aging, and Mortality in Comedy ([75:47], [78:21])

• Kevin tells stories of people collapsing at shows—literal life-and-death interrupting stand-up ([76:18]), including a Denver incident where he almost Heimliched a man who did not need it ([78:21]).
• Discussion about the gradual decline in celebrity recognition ("You’re not getting recognized as much anymore." – Kevin, [75:35]).

8. Substance Use, Self-Help and Lifestyle Choices ([68:09], [101:08])

• Discussion of weed and alcohol. Kevin never did drugs/coke; Pete discusses quitting drinking with the help of Annie Grace’s book "This Naked Mind" ([101:08]).
• The self-improvement rabbit hole and meeting Tony Robbins ([101:39]).

9. Seinfeldian Bits, Silly Jokes & Everyday Observations ([54:00], [56:04], [83:37])

• Pete’s “Kimlin scale” for how much a food tastes like what it should ([56:04]).
• Nostalgia for real donuts; Kevin’s Dunkin Donuts job and making donuts at night ([56:51]).
• Kevin’s silly jokes, like microwaving food in a hotel safe ([83:12]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Comedy Confidence:

  “When you are doing a bit...you are kind of like explaining them something that, of course you guys are going to know. And that’s what I’m telling you right now. Isn’t this true, everyone?”
  – Kevin ([53:37])

• Spirituality & Existence:

  “What you know is the knowing of the universe. There’s only one knowing, and it’s localized in you and…me. This sounds very trippy…but it’s not something, somewhere, called God.”
  – Pete ([43:35])

• On Legacy and Comedy Tribe:

  "It's about being included. We actually have a culture…rites of initiation.”
  – Pete ([73:54])

• On Silly Comedy:

  “And I find that people like silly jokes.”
  – Kevin ([83:37])

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Topic | |-----------|---------|-------| | 02:54-04:09 | Re-introducing Kevin & Banter | Setting the tone, compliment exchange | | 05:17-06:41 | Chat about “Come See Me in the Good Light” | Documentary art and heart | | 08:06-08:41 | Pete on Kevin’s Comedy Style | Comedy that feels effortless | | 15:19-16:24 | Eckhart Tolle Quote & Happiness | Feeling right now is life | | 19:17-21:19 | “Loosen the Crotch” Story | Jeans, his cat Pierre, sentimentality | | 23:32-24:49 | Career Reflections | Chasing fame, big arenas, the “Kevin Nealon-issance” | | 42:20-44:22 | Atheism and God | Spirituality, science, letting go of dogma | | 61:32-66:09 | Old Improv Stories | Andy Kaufman, Steve Martin, Robin Williams | | 73:19-74:26 | On Belonging to the Comedy Culture | Stand-up tribe, recognition, Steve Byrne bio | | 75:47-79:35 | Audience Emergencies | Collapsing audience members, choking stories | | 83:12-84:33 | Silly Joke: Hotel Safe Mac & Cheese | Kevin’s brand of comic absurdity | | 90:33-91:56 | SNL: Farley, Sandler, Spade Stories | Sharing anecdotes from the '90s SNL scene | | 101:08-102:19 | Quitting Drinking/Self-Help | Pete’s journey, recommendations | | 104:42-106:11 | Show Plugs & Goodbyes | Reminders of specials, art, and documentary |

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Tone & Atmosphere

• The episode is equal parts goofy and deep: playful banter ("Is that the new Starbucks? Starchucks?" [03:44]) to vulnerable connection ("I have such admiration for you...You are solid." – Kevin, [09:52]).
• Frequent meta-commentary on the comedy biz, stand-up existentialism, and self-awareness.
• "Compliment" becomes an ongoing motif/joke.

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For Newcomers to the Episode

• The heart of the episode is the enduring friendship and respect between Pete and Kevin, alongside hilarious showbiz anecdotes and thoughtful excursions into philosophy, the absurdities of life, and the realities of aging as both performers and people.
• Expect detours, running gags about accepting compliments, riffs on stand-up craft, and a warmth that’s rare in celebrity interviews.

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Quick Plugs

• Kevin Nealon’s special: “Loosen the Crotch” on YouTube (from Jan 27).
• Art & caricatures: kevinnealonart.com
• Documentary: “Come See Me in the Good Light” (Apple TV, exec produced by Kevin).
• Pete’s new special: (Coming February, exact platforms TBD).

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Endnote:
This episode is a deep, funny, and meandering hang between two beloved comics, capturing the essence of what makes “You Made It Weird” so special: honest conversation, big laughs, and unexpectedly profound digressions. If you want to feel like you’re eavesdropping on two comedy legends at maximal looseness, this is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade.

[Kevin Nealon]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of one of my all time favorite, favorite people. One of the funniest people in the world. One of the. He's kind, he's nice, he's here. He's silly. God, I. I would have Kevin Nealon on every week. And that's how I introduced him. This is Kevin Nealon. He's back. He has a new special that's on YouTube. I'm about to have a special on YouTube. We use the same production group, 800 pound gorilla. So you can go on 800 pound gorillas YouTube or Kevin's YouTube or just type in Kevin Nealon. It's the first thing that comes up. It's called Loose in the Crotch. Loosen the crutch. What a great title and a great special and a great man. And I'm so glad you're here. Let's get to it as quickly as possible. The only thing I have to plug, we are rescheduling north and South Carolina. That should be added to the website very, very soon. In fact, maybe I'll make sure that happens after I do this intro. The next dates are Miami. I have Los Angeles on March 7, Royal Oak, Michigan, Irving, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin and Denver, Colorado. And keep an eye out for north and South Carolina, which we're doing in the summer. That was the soonest they had. And again, apologies for having to reschedule that. It was the worst. Stomach flu was the absolute worst. Anyway, in the meantime, I'm so glad you're here. Kevin Nealon, so amazing. Let's all enjoy him together. Get into it.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me. The show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it. All Wiser Than Me from Lemonada Media is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

It's morning in New York. Hey everybody, I'm Mandy Patinkin. And I'm Kathryn Grody.

[Kevin Nealon]

And we have a new podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called don't listen to us.

[Kevin Nealon]

Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people. Don't listen to us.

[Pete Holmes]

Our take it or leave it advice show every Wednesday. Out now. A Lemonada Media original. That's for you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You'll like it. It's a repellent for me if I'm a bit much. It's for you. It's a little.

[Kevin Nealon]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

You do. Just shoot it. Just shoot it. A little caffeine matcha. You don't have to, but it'll help you focus. You like it?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

He loves it. Good for you, my man. And this is you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here you go. There you are. Want the rest of this? Yeah. That's my favorite part at the bottom.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I ordered like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Get it on the mic. People want to know this.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is my favorite part at the bottom.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Kevin Nealon]

I order it like this. I said just put a little ice in there and some of the residue from a. An old cup. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Star chucks the starbuck.

[Kevin Nealon]

You checked. It's called starch. You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Starchucks.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Starch.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so happy to see you. You look great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Pete. Let me just tell you something.

[Pete Holmes]

You look great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you. You, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Take it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I said thank you. Did I say thank you? I've learned how to accept compliments. Good. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Irish so and so.

[Kevin Nealon]

No. I used to say, nah, you know. You know, I've been working a little bit. I feel a little tired, but no, thank you. I feel good.

[Pete Holmes]

You forest bathe? Yeah, you know that one?

[Kevin Nealon]

What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a Japanese principle called forest bathing, and it's what you do every day with your hiking. It's a real thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you came on one of my hikes. I did one of my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

So excited about that drone. I think it was the first time, maybe you had the drone.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've crashed that drone like ten times since then.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw a different Kevin. I mean, you're always agreeable, pleasant, a little weird. I wanted to put in a mean one, but I came out with a little weird.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would have accepted compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but like, agreeable, nice, Foul smelling. Like that would have been better. A little bit better. We'll work on it. Did you ever know John Candy?

[Kevin Nealon]

That was like a Martin Short character.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. It was like, Jiminy Glick. Did you ever know John Candy?

[Kevin Nealon]

Did you know John Candy? What was he like? Candy.

[Pete Holmes]

What was your heavy, hefty fellow? He'd say something mean, I'd say something.

[Kevin Nealon]

I never knew him. Did you?

[Pete Holmes]

I just watched the documentary. I just was like, oh, maybe your paths cross.

[Kevin Nealon]

I want to see that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

A lot of documentaries out now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You can't get murdered or die. And not have a film crew nearby.

[Kevin Nealon]

In fact, my wife and I are some of the executive producers on a Sundance Film Festival documentary that Tague Notaro's producing. Oh. Called Come See Me in a Good Light.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. This is supposed to be tremendous.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is. It really is great.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard Bring your Kleenex.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, bring a Kleenex, but mostly bring your laughter because really, surprisingly funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. It's not one of these sad cancer. Okay. You know, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you said that, because I do. I go, like, I'll know when I'm in the mood to really have my heart broken.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who wants to go and have their heart broken? I don't know. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad that we should roll on this. Let's roll. I'm just doing you. This is like. That's such a Kevin Nealon. We should get this. We should get this.

[Kevin Nealon]

You've been doing this for a long time. Let me just get back to this really quickly, though, please. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

See Me in the Good Light. It's supposed to be tremendous.

[Kevin Nealon]

Directed by Ryan White and Jessica Hargrove.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the Mike White.

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Ryan White. It doesn't take place on an island. It's not at a resort. Not a resort.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, weird.

[Kevin Nealon]

But anyway, it's a great. It's a really great story about these two women poets. They're partners and Andrea Gibson is the poet laureate and her and their partner, Megan Fowley. And it's won all these film festivals and people are loving it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm so excited to be part of it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you are, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've. I hear about nothing. And I've heard many things about this. You have? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just know it's not one of those buzzes out. It's just uplifting. It gives you a new outlook on life. It makes you realize that. Enjoy it. Enjoy what I want. You need that. I could tell by looking at you. Compliment. Take it. Take it.

[Pete Holmes]

I need it. I need to be uplifted.

[Kevin Nealon]

You need to. You need some uplifting. That's a compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, no. You can't say what is and isn't a compliment.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's how you look.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to obsess.

[Kevin Nealon]

Look, look. You know, happiness is how you see things. Sore compliments.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'll take it as a compliment. I could use a pick me up.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm going to take a break and I'll be right back. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Whenever I'm with you, I just. I forget. I just try to be funny how you are because it's a very fun way to be funny. Some people are funny, not fun. You're fun and funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You know, there's some comedians that are funny, but they're not funny people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I mean.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a compliment. It's a compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the best look.

[Kevin Nealon]

That was the best.

[Pete Holmes]

It was great. It's hard to miss.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was a great look.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a fantastic look. I'm so glad when you did the podcast last, it wasn't video.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know why it's a great look? Because I'm a funny person.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're. And a fun person, but let me throw this at you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't feel. And this is gonna sound like a roast. It's not. Your comedy isn't effortful. It doesn't feel effortful. It feels loose. It feels like you're just having fun. And not a lot of people do that. And then I give myself the look. I look in a mirror. It's true. I mean, like, I can get a little fastidious about comedy. And whenever I'm with you, I remember, where the hell is our waiter? The silly, the simple sillies.

[Kevin Nealon]

You. You are such a. Not role model to me. Not by a long shot.

[Pete Holmes]

No one said that.

[Kevin Nealon]

You brought that up. Seriously. I know I'm going somewhere with this. I'm going with it. Stay with me. Okay. But I have such admiration for you because you are so curious about life. And I've told you this before. I would probably mistake you for a young minister at some church, you know, because you are so ministerial. Well, you've really searched out life and love and God and spiritual things.

[Pete Holmes]

I had that nice chat with your wife when I was at your home. That was years ago. Do you remember this?

[Kevin Nealon]

Which home and which wife? New wife?

[Pete Holmes]

Old home? I don't know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, the house is, like, pretty much gone now. Is that house gone? Yeah. Fire.

[Pete Holmes]

So that house is gone.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you know what? That house is there. But we had another house that's gone earlier from that one. This house, the only house survived on that cul de sac. Your house in the Palisades? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. It's a weird flex.

[Kevin Nealon]

Show me that face again. I loved your series.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thanks, man. What is this?

[Kevin Nealon]

I really do. I'm just telling you. I had so much admiration for you because you were. You are solid.

[Pete Holmes]

I really.

[Kevin Nealon]

You really.

[Pete Holmes]

I really appreciate that you're a hero of mine. I think you're the funniest and the best, so it means a lot.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't like doing podcasts, but this one I was excited about.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm thrilled. What are some of the ones you're not excited about? That you're doing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Smartless.

[Pete Holmes]

You're doing smart.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I'm kidding. I love Smartless, but I do Conan a lot. I'm doing Conan tomorrow.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you and Conan have a special.

[Kevin Nealon]

We have such a chemistry, me and Mike Birbiglia.

[Pete Holmes]

I got, like, the bargain bin. You have the top shelf. You got Conan ob. As your. As your.

[Kevin Nealon]

As your. And I've known Conan for a long time. I've known him for, like, 40 years. 35 years from SNL. He was a writer.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think you could beat him physically? Yeah, he's got a reach. He's got that Lincoln reach.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anger. He's got a lot of anger.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of anger. He's got the anger of the red. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

Orange.

[Pete Holmes]

The orange anger.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, That's a real thing. Gawked, mocked, spf. They need to let it out. He looks at you going out without a hat. He wants to take you down.

[Kevin Nealon]

He.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not a bit. He wants to hurt you for just rolling around.

[Kevin Nealon]

Who do you think is angrier?

[Pete Holmes]

That's good. Which one of us is angry? Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you were.

[Pete Holmes]

You were on Weeds.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Something mean has to be mean.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love your paintings in here.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thanks. You're an artist.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am an artist.

[Pete Holmes]

Visual artist.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you. Yeah, I'm a visual artist. I paint caricatures of people.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Kevin Nealon]

There were celebrities mostly.

[Pete Holmes]

I told you, last time you did this, there were some original Neylands in Jed's office. That's right. In the bathroom.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, good place.

[Pete Holmes]

I pee all over.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right by the toilet paper.

[Pete Holmes]

Right by the. If you can't find toilet paper. In fact, it was a little rude.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was.

[Pete Holmes]

Roll out. Kevin Nealon. Art in the bathroom.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I've been doing this for a while. I have a book out called I Exaggerate. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. Where was I? I was in Nashville. Zany's Nashville. Sorry, it's in the bathroom again. But that book is in the bathroom of the Green Room in Zany's Nashville.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but you knew that. A lot of people. I didn't know that. It's a good bathroom book. Some people say coffee table books, but it's a good bathroom book. Good toilet book.

[Pete Holmes]

One step away from the coffee.

[Kevin Nealon]

So everybody's Asking me, where can I get one of your paintings? Where can I buy one of your paintings? And I never really was selling them. I had them in the book, you know. But now I've started a store on Shopify. You go to kevinnealonart.com.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. And there's seemeinthegoodlight. I just want to know when we're plugging stuff.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you'll never know that. That's. That's kind of pro. I am.

[Pete Holmes]

You are. That's brilliant. First of all, good for you. 2. You should be 3. I want 1. Kevin shopify.com.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shopify. No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Kevin Nealon.

[Kevin Nealon]

Nealonart.com.

[Pete Holmes]

Who got Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

Kevin nealonart.com.

[Pete Holmes]

Who got Kevin Nealon?

[Kevin Nealon]

I got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Who got Kevin Nealon? You have Kevin Nealon and Kevin Nealon art. Yeah, you thought you felt like you needed.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I also have Kevin Neal and Kevin Nealon hearses.

[Pete Holmes]

Just in case. In case you go into the death biz.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have Kevin Nealon Pete Holmes.com as well. I'm sorry. Just in case.

[Pete Holmes]

Kevin Nealonorangeanger.com for you and Conan, when you have a pay per view.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I watch your special.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one?

[Kevin Nealon]

All of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Clip it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Mark that.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark that as a clip.

[Kevin Nealon]

And which.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one was your favorite?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, we did. We did one with the same company.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, why am I blanking? It's Birds Company.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

LAUGHS where the hell is our wig?

[Kevin Nealon]

We could cut this, right?

[Pete Holmes]

We can't cut this. It's called Bilber's Company is called All Things Comedy. All Things Comedy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no, then it wasn't that one. Oh, I don't think it might have been, but I remember somebody. Maybe it's the past one that you did. Okay. Yeah. But anyway, I like your stand up special because you just have so much confidence.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, is that what comes off?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you have confidence. I don't know why, but it's great.

[Pete Holmes]

That's sort of the fun, isn't it?

[Kevin Nealon]

You've been doing this a long time, this show, haven't you?

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing? You can't interview me.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, serious.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to know about Kevon.

[Kevin Nealon]

I want to know about.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's over 20 years, but you too.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I was going to say I did a corporate gig. This was years ago.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tell me about it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna. And it's gonna. You're not even gonna believe. When it swings back to you, people are gonna go, how does Holmes do it? Which one of his special Should I start with. They'll say, you ever think about having.

[Kevin Nealon]

A special called Homes Boy Holmes Boy?

[Pete Holmes]

I like it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you thought about that?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I.

[Kevin Nealon]

The. Only.

[Pete Holmes]

My joke comedy special title was Funnier than Mulaney. I don't think I'm funnier than Mulany, but how funny would it be?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're close with Sandler when you're close to a legend. You know what I mean? It's funny to throw some dirt in.

[Kevin Nealon]

Their face right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Better than Sandler. Imagine Evan Nealon's new special, Better than Sandler.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dana Carvey. That would be amazing. I'd watch.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd say, what?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's your special Delaney. But Dana Carvey had a good name for his special. He did once. It was called Critics Choice.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good. That's like 100% fresh. Yeah, it's like just naming.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like naming your kid Void. He can't write a check. Name your special Critic's Choice.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you happy?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Are you happy? How you feel right now? This is what I talk with your wife about. We were talking about Eckhart Tolle, remember?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Eckhart Tolle has this great line that I think about constantly. How you feel right now is how you feel about your life. We think our life is an aggregate. Like, we're gonna. Like, at the end, we'll look back and go, oh, I was on SNL for nine years. I was a head writer during a turbulent time. I'm one of the most iconic Weekend Update anchors of all of.

[Kevin Nealon]

All.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, that's in there. But, like, really, it's just, like. It's just this. How do you feel right now sitting on this couch?

[Kevin Nealon]

Now we're going to Pete Holmes territory.

[Pete Holmes]

This is Pete Holmes.

[Kevin Nealon]

You just grabbed the wheel and pulled me into the.

[Pete Holmes]

You did. You did it.

[Kevin Nealon]

You opened up a towel. You open up the. Upside down.

[Pete Holmes]

The right side up, though. It's like a Friendly Stranger Things.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you're. You're. You're. Your life is as happy as you're happy right now. How you feel. Because that's all we have right now.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all you have. And if you don't look for the part of you that's behind your anxiety, your woe, your dread, whatever it is, the backdrop of it is probably doing okay and go to that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, man.

[Kevin Nealon]

So when I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

Even if I'm having a not circumstantially great day, I'm getting better at better. At, like, digging a little bit deeper and finding something that's.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're always digging, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Dig it.

[Kevin Nealon]

You Are you ever, like, satisfied that you've dug far enough?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

Or do you start another hole?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's exactly it. I mean, like what. What we're talking about. The. The. The quality of your own being your. Which is always there and that being happy. Then you do stop digging as much. I like digging. It's fun. Little project here, a little project there. But you strike me as that kind of guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have a tool shed with shovels and rakes and things.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you seem fulfilled.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I actually maybe don't let me.

[Pete Holmes]

Lead you there, though. You tell me.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm very happy. Yeah, I'm very happy. No matter what's going on in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Kevin Nealon]

I kind of look for. I don't even have look for it. I just feel it. I feel like it's good no matter what's going on in the world. And I don't know if that is like ignorance or nativity.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it is ignorance, meaning ignorance you're ignoring. There's so many things asking you to be not okay. They want you to worry about all these things you can't control. They want you to worry about all the coulds and the maybes and all of which. Yeah, so many of them didn't happen. And we pay interest into them. They don't happen anyway. So why not just have a cup of tea or maybe hang out with your son or your wife or just enjoy that? You were the only house on the block.

[Kevin Nealon]

I will tell you something. I will tell you something. And I know you've never been told anything before, but I was always told worrying is useless. 90% of the times what you're worrying about is not going to happen.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't happen.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you know what? It happened to me a couple months ago. Which one? I was worried about it and it actually came to fruition.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this the fire?

[Kevin Nealon]

What fire?

[Pete Holmes]

What happened?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Oh, I can't tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

What was it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I worried about it. It was horrible. What can I tell you? I can't tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, why can't you tell me?

[Kevin Nealon]

I had gum disease.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I just had a sore. I had a sore. It was a root canal.

[Pete Holmes]

Gingivitis?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no. It was a root canal, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, but you were worrying about that.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was worried about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why the worrying business thrives, because they always have the well, and that's what the news is you know, I mean, like on a local level too. Just gossip too. Like, did you hear about this?

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

This.

[Pete Holmes]

This we kind of enjoy, if we're being honest. We enjoy worrying. We like it. It's better than not existing. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I know it. I mean, it shows that we're alive and that we're thinking and considering things in life.

[Pete Holmes]

Chiding.

[Kevin Nealon]

I used to worry. I remember I was worried about my special that's coming out January 27th. About how it would do, you know, and it did really well. I mean, it's doing well. And when I did it, it's. Well. And it's coming out January 27th.

[Pete Holmes]

It came out.

[Kevin Nealon]

It came out well.

[Pete Holmes]

Where did you film it?

[Kevin Nealon]

I filmed with the Improv in Irvine.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's coming out on the 27th.

[Kevin Nealon]

On the 27th. Good club.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just there.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is. Good club.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good club.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's called. Guess what it's called. Loosen the crotch.

[Pete Holmes]

Plenty of room in Kevin Arnold's crotch. Do you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Most of the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Loosen the crotch. It's just a tailoring. A lot of tailorings.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I talk about some. A pair of jeans that I had back then. It was. I had. Well, first of all, let me back up a little bit. You got a minute? She's sleeping. I was. I had a cat named Pierre 10 years ago. Great name and.

[Pete Holmes]

Great name.

[Kevin Nealon]

And this was the anniversary of his death, the night I was doing that special. So it's a little. It was a little melancholy for me to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Special.

[Pete Holmes]

And is that real? You were that close to Pierre?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was close to him, yeah. But it's been more like 25 years. Okay, but that's not believable.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So Nobody celebrates a 25 on a. No.

[Kevin Nealon]

And when I'm done with this, we're going to get back to the meaning of life.

[Pete Holmes]

I do have my Hawaii story for you.

[Kevin Nealon]

I want to hear that in a second.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not really a story, but it'll lead to your story.

[Kevin Nealon]

So Pierre was a great cat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I had a pair of jeans at the time. Time. They were the perfect fitting jeans. I mean, they were like snug in the hip, tighten the butt, loose in the crotch. Most of the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Except extenuating circumstances.

[Kevin Nealon]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Every once in a while, kind of tighten the crotch.

[Kevin Nealon]

And Pierre loved those c. Those jeans. And every time I was sitting down, he'd jump up and he, you know, he wouldn't get off my. So when he died, I thought it might be nice to Wrap him up in those jeans. Oh, wow. So it made me feel good. I buried him with those jeans.

[Pete Holmes]

And then light it on fire and shoot it on a bow. On a bow and arrow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like the cat jeans and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shoot an iceberg. But I mean, this cat is amazing. Like, you know, 25 years later, I. I still miss him.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Kevin Nealon]

But I miss the jeans more. That's the problem. I love those jeans. I regret it. I regret it. I look back at it now, I think, what were you thinking?

[Pete Holmes]

You know, Jeans could have lived on.

[Kevin Nealon]

Cats are dime a dozen. The jeans, they're like. I don't know, what are they now? $97.

[Pete Holmes]

I went to Israel. Cats are like mice there. They're just out, just.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, they're all feral. They're feral cats.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they're a bunch of Will Ferrell cats. He kind of has a cat, if Will Ferrell was an animal cat. Tall orange cat, strong. Ever see a strong cat? Got those legs? That's Will Ferrell.

[Kevin Nealon]

His son goes to my school.

[Pete Holmes]

Paul Rudd's a penguin.

[Kevin Nealon]

Paul Rudd. Oh, you got.

[Pete Holmes]

What am I. I feel like. I want to say like a. Like. Like a sloth. What?

[Kevin Nealon]

A sloth. A bear? A sloth. No, you're right. With a sloth. But I.

[Pete Holmes]

But I usually. I think people say sloth. It seems like an insult. I just think there's something kind of flowy.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no. And like leisured. That's a. Yeah, yeah. Compliment. Sloth. Because sloths. You're what, Hippo? But keep going. Yeah, I'm a hippo. Hippo is a ferocious animal.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Kevin Nealon]

We'll kill you.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, they'll kill you. This is when you find out I am a hippo in disguise.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it hippi or hippo?

[Pete Holmes]

We'll take either.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, we'll take you. So a sloth. I've seen them in person down in Costa Rica. They move. It looks like they're moving slowly with their claws going up, but they cover a lot of territory quickly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Which is great.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that's me. I carry a lot. I cover a lot of territory quickly. It looks like I'm moving slow.

[Pete Holmes]

You're out there moving thoughtfully in the wild.

[Kevin Nealon]

We've been doing this a long time.

[Pete Holmes]

This.

[Kevin Nealon]

This dance, the whole dance of our comedy, whatever you want to call it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Looking for approval.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Getting. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you seem like that, going back to your sloth likeness, you don't seem to be. And please know, I mean this really, as a compliment.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, really.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't Seem to be chasing it. You don't feel like a desperate guy. You don't feel like a guy that's out there, like. And no shade to people that do Dancing with the Stars. I'm just like, kevin Nealon is a Kevin Nealon. You seem to know that you're a Kevin Nealon and you're okay being a Kevin Nealon.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is that right? That's right. And let me piggyback onto that, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Sloth.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like, I've always been kind of at this level of not chasing it. I always thought that maybe things will come along the way they're supposed to. And everything worked great for me. You know, I got the Tonight Show, Johnny Carson, then I got Saturday Night Live. I got Weeds. I got a sitcom with Matt LeBlanc called Man with a Plan. And I started doing a lot of stand up comedy. I started doing my specials. God, I got to end this really quickly. And. And so, you know, and I thought. And I did a lot of Sandler films. Yep. And. And I've had a good run.

[Pete Holmes]

Grandma's boy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Grandma's boy. Yeah. Happy Gilmore 1 and 2. And I thought, you know, I see all these, like, big movie stars on sunset on the billboards. And for years I thought, I'm gonna be up there. I'll be one of those guys. But now I'm thinking that might not happen, you know, so I'm gonna enjoy the stand up while I have it, you know, when people are still connecting to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know what I'm saying, Kevin?

[Kevin Nealon]

But they're very apropos on that same note. And then I'll let you say what you're gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm disagreeing with you. I'm just agreeing with you, not disagreeing with you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay. I. I always fancied myself playing in these big arenas, you know, like. And I did. I was just on the Adam Sandler tour. I opened for him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And they're like 12,000, 15,000 people. It's a great experience to be able to do that. But I always thought that I would be, you know, headlining those places. And I got to a point where I thought that probably won't happen at this point. And Gary Shandling used to say, why it could happen. It could happen. He was very positive about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I still hold on to that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because my act is very Neil in a sonce. A neolannaissance.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Kevin Neilonaissance.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't know what that means, but, yeah, like McConaissance.

[Pete Holmes]

Like when Matthew McConaughey had.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I see what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Renaissance. But sometimes they do and you can't control it. So Shandling is right.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There could be something. The special pop. Why? We don't know. All of them were great. This one for some reason, and next thing you know, could happen.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was thinking the. The only way that I'm gonna have something go viral is. Is if I rescue somebody. You know, like, I would grab the gun away from somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And so I'm always on the lookout for that.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want to stage that?

[Kevin Nealon]

Never thought about that. What are you thinking?

[Pete Holmes]

I have a company that will stage heroic.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's real. That's a good sitcom.

[Pete Holmes]

Real. It's real.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, that's a great idea for like.

[Pete Holmes]

A series to stage. Stage heroic things.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the only way to go viral.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then, of course, it goes wrong. You ever watch a movie and you're like. And what happens? It goes wrong. You ever get mad? Like, we tried to watch the Pit. I'm not putting down the Pit, but we had just finished the mayor of Easttown, my wife and I, so we just. I had already seen it, but she's ready. Ready for the darkness. Although it's so dark. Anyway, you meet all these characters, and some of them smoke, and some of them are always eating a sandwich with tomatoes. You know what I mean? Some of them are grumpy, some of them are happy, and, you know, you're fresh. You can do it. Then the show ends and we're like, let's try the pit. And then the pit starts and you're just like overwhelmed. Like this fucking guy, like, he's a whole new thing. We turned it off when someone, a young, A younger doctor, came in frame.

[Kevin Nealon]

And went, good morning, sunshine.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, we're out. I can't know. The witty receptionist, the young, whip smart sunshine guy, the older guy. I was like, it's not that. It's not good. It's that I'm full. I'm full. Give me a month off, I'll watch the pit.

[Kevin Nealon]

I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I feel about Game of Thrones too. I got to know regions.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, right. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a lot of work.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a lot of work. You got to take notes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. It should come with a map.

[Kevin Nealon]

My son is 18 and I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Believe last I saw, I mean, 25, 25.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's going back.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a Ben Buttons.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But anyway, he watches. He has A lot of his favorite shows. Yeah. That he talks about and he talks about me, and some of them I'm not huge fans of, but I watch him so I have something to talk to him about. And he gets excited about it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like, I'm trying to get through Stranger Things right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Upside down. Yeah, that's why you said it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And I met, like, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Episode three of one season.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, this season.

[Pete Holmes]

New season.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you're.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm kind of in and out of it because I fall asleep watching it. I fall asleep a lot watching TV with my son on the couch. Yeah. He gets really angry. He'll go like this, you know, I'll say, what? I'm awake. I'm awake. Yeah. What happened? And the show's over already.

[Pete Holmes]

It's 11aM 9aM I mean, 9pm Avenue. No, I'm with you. That's me and my. That's me and Valerie.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's a show for you.

[Pete Holmes]

My hand.

[Kevin Nealon]

Valerie.

[Pete Holmes]

You're my wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

She. You fall asleep.

[Pete Holmes]

She falls asleep.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, she does. Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

And I.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shake your hand. Goodbye.

[Pete Holmes]

You and. Yeah. Gable, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Have you. Have you watched Rick?

[Pete Holmes]

Rick and Morty? No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Richter. Ripley. Ripley, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Talented mister.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you would love Ripley.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I watch Ripley.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Black and white.

[Kevin Nealon]

H y. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I do like good stuff.

[Kevin Nealon]

You like?

[Pete Holmes]

That's, like, good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't know, what do we mean when we say that? But, like, when I'm watching stuff and I'm just like, they're not even trying to be good, but things like Ripley, they're like, let's be good. Let's try and be good. That guy. Who's that guy?

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't know of him before.

[Pete Holmes]

He's so good. He was Moriarty in Sherlock. Yeah, he's real good. He was also in fleabag season two.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, was he? I loved fleabag.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you watch se2?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you there, though?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was there. Actually, can we back it up?

[Pete Holmes]

Because I just caught you being really sweet about your son. He's watching these shows.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to watch Stranger Things season?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I do want to watch it, but on, man. I'm just not. It's. I'm kind of losing.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it when they were kids. There's like a 28 year old running from a demon.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I need that.

[Pete Holmes]

I have my life. I don't need grownups. But nosebleed. Get it together. Stop Eating waffles. It was cute when you were seven. Figure it out. The region seems to be compromised. Move.

[Kevin Nealon]

Move out of there.

[Pete Holmes]

Move out of there. Stop waiting for 80s cameos to come and make it worse and die. We know your formula. Stranger Things, and we're over it. No, it's a great show. I just gave up after the mall season.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that three? You don't know.

[Kevin Nealon]

You were out, I think. How many seasons are there? Four.

[Pete Holmes]

I think there's five.

[Kevin Nealon]

Five.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie, you watch it? Yeah, I think it was just. Do you like it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I kind of lost a little bit, but I'm gonna keep watching it so I can have, you know, conversations.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I wanted to shine a light on.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that you're. You're actively for real without being too sappy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The thing that I try to give my daughter more that I.

[Kevin Nealon]

Look.

[Pete Holmes]

My parents did a great job. I'm just trying to give her validity. Like, her opinions matter. What she likes matters. We'll be watching because she's only seven. We'll watch the Croods. There's a show called dawn of the Croods. It's like the Flintstones, but modern. And I'll laugh, like, if I think something's even a little funny, I'll laugh because I remember. And again, my parents. It was the fucking 80s, you know what I mean? My dad would, like.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Just like, ah, Jesus.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean? Like.

[Pete Holmes]

And my mother would be like, that's ridiculous. The way to that. Have some dignity. Like, they just couldn't. It's also Boston. They just couldn't stop critiquing it.

[Kevin Nealon]

My son hates that when I do that with these reality shows, like, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, where you go, that's fake.

[Kevin Nealon]

The big British break. And I love the show, but I see blues. I'll say, you know, they're. They're really making that cake earlier, and then they're putting in there because. Dad, don't. I know. Don't. Don't ruin. Dad, don't ruin it.

[Pete Holmes]

You think that's true? I mean, that show has such a.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I don't know about that show, but there's some shows that I really. They have to reshoot it. What do.

[Pete Holmes]

I was friends with somebody that was on one of those cooking shows, and they. They told me that when the judges are eating it, it's ice cold.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because it would be.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how it has to be, right? What? It's gone from the skillet and it's.

[Kevin Nealon]

Got a good bite to it. He's got. It's got a good bite.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want to know our great British Bake off bit? You'll notice it when you watch it now. Whenever they try to make a focaccia, Paul Holly will eat it every time and go, it's more of a ciabatta. We're just like, what is a ciabatta? It's just a focaccia gone wrong some. If you up a fashion, it's a ciabatta. That's the show.

[Kevin Nealon]

I almost did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you almost do it? No, they have an American version. No, no. You got to go there. I was nervous.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you don't bake, do you? I don't bake.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't bake.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why didn't you go?

[Pete Holmes]

I said yes, then I guess it didn't. It didn't line up.

[Kevin Nealon]

They asked me to do Dancing with the stars about 20 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. After my riff. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You have an elegance to you.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know. I could dance.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Although my wife said I'm a horrible dancer a couple years ago, and I stopped dancing.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I did for a while.

[Pete Holmes]

She said, you're a horrible.

[Kevin Nealon]

It wasn't horrible. She said it was hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a hilarious dancer. And I am.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am. I looked at the video and I thought, you're right. You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

But no, dancing is like. Even if somebody's tone deaf, you have to just be like, I love your voice. I love your singing voice.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's just a personal thing. I'll always look at the person next to me dancing, and I'll kind of emulate, mirror them, you know? I mean, you look now, the way I'm moving.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

No music, even. I'm just. I mean, you could put music to this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna give you the. The tip that all tall whites need. Let's get those hips in there.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't forget the hips.

[Kevin Nealon]

Don't be the salsa you gotta look at. You can do the salsa. You do a little bit. A little of that.

[Pete Holmes]

But the hips are always neglected. Shoulders, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

These are shoulders.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you. The tips that I needed for dancing was like, we white guys love. We'll do this.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just get the shoulders in. I'm not saying I'm good, but I'll sweat through my shirt. If I am approving of your wedding, I want to. If I don't approve of your wedding, I won't dance. It's a subtle way to say two years. If you don't dance.

[Kevin Nealon]

I saw my father dance.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm kidding.

[Kevin Nealon]

I saw my father dance at my wedding. I've never seen him dance before. And it was very conservative, you know, it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. That. It's not to be political, but like the way Trump dances is kind of how all our dads would dance if they had to.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I hope it would be better, but, you know, it's that kind of like just a little twist and shout. Just kind of like fists.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's trying to get out of a wetsuit.

[Pete Holmes]

It's shimmying off the bottom. The top peeled off like a banana. And now you have the wet bottoms on and you're just kind of shimmying it off. That's the most middle aged. Not middle aged, old white guys.

[Kevin Nealon]

Let me ask you this.

[Pete Holmes]

The old whites.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then I'll let you go. What?

[Pete Holmes]

We're be in my life.

[Kevin Nealon]

We're parents.

[Pete Holmes]

Just be in my life. You're such a joy. Just be around.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am around.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you are, but you're not around. Don't put it on me.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I want to know about your parents because they raised a really curious, inquisitive kid. Are there more of you or just one?

[Pete Holmes]

I have a brother and just one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, just.

[Pete Holmes]

What of him? Yeah, what of your brother? He loves you.

[Kevin Nealon]

He does.

[Pete Holmes]

He loves you. Loves you.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's his first name? John. John Holmes. Oh, interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

In our family, we call him Shorty. That's the porn joke. That's what my dad. See.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were. They were very educated, weren't they?

[Pete Holmes]

My parents?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Well, I. I don't want to.

[Kevin Nealon]

Say not very smart.

[Pete Holmes]

They're smart.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Very smart. But I wouldn't say super schooled.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

My. I didn't know how bad speller my dad was until texting.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we get every two. Is T, O, O. I need to talk to you. Like, what is.

[Kevin Nealon]

But. But it doesn't matter with texting now because nobody uses, you know, pronunciation or pronunciation. No, not pronunciation, but punctuation. Punctuation.

[Pete Holmes]

Wasn't even. I wasn't mocking your dance moves like your wife did.

[Kevin Nealon]

She wasn't mocking. She wasn't mocking. She was just.

[Pete Holmes]

Just, you know, Peg.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, but. Yes. So, yeah. I mean, you don't use commas or anything or periods, so it's like nobody cares anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, it's true. I just want. I'd love for my dad to figure out you can do the voice dictate because then we'll get some real gems.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what's taken over for punctuation?

[Pete Holmes]

I like it. Jammed up on a word is.

[Kevin Nealon]

We don't have to point that out.

[Pete Holmes]

We can point it out. I like it. No, it's finding a connection with you. Sometimes I just can't. Solidarity. Not solidarity.

[Kevin Nealon]

When you finish, I'll continue.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead.

[Kevin Nealon]

Go on.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying to think of the word that I get jammed up on. To make you feel better.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I feel better.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you feel fine. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We all know February can be a very weird month, especially in terms of relationships. We got flowers, we got candy, we got big romantic gestures. It can feel like everybody has their love life totally figured out. And maybe you don't. Maybe every. It doesn't matter if you're married, dating in a situationship, single and working on me. We all have these things to navigate and sometimes we need help. I definitely do. We've talked a lot about therapy on the show. We still will. It has changed my life. You need to know what you're bringing into a relationship. You need to know what might not be serving you. You need to know what you actually want from a relationship or just a friendship. Talking about it helps. And BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. Therapists at work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US they do the matching work for you with a short questionnaire to help find someone who fits your needs. And if you want to switch therapists, you can do that anytime. And people are really into it. There is an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. 4.9 out of 5 stars. That's incredible. Imperfect love lives are normal. A little work can lead to a lot of progress. So sign up and get 10% [e-mail] weirdo. That's B-E-T-T-E-R better. H E-L-P.com weirdo. You know, I'm trying to keep my wardrobe simple these days. Fewer pieces, but better quality and stuff that actually holds up and looks amazing. That is a no brainer that I don't have to think about. And that's why I've been loving Quince. Quince does premium material, thoughtful design and everyday staples that just work. Especially when the weather can't decide what it's doing. Like currently, Quince has the essentials that I live in. Organic cotton sweaters, polos that work whether I'm on stage or out to dinner. Lightweight jackets that actually keep me warm without feeling too bulky. Everything is built to handle daily wear and still look good season after season. And this stuff is built perfectly. They work directly with top factories to cut out the middlemen so you're not paying crazy brand markups, just really solid quality. And they only partner with factories that meet their high standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I got the Mongolian cashmere crewneck sweater. Val picked it out. It was only 60 bucks for cashmere and now she insists that I wear it every single date night. It's ridiculously soft, it looks great and somehow costs less than sweaters I bought the that were made out of basically dish towels. Refer Refresh Excuse me. Your wardrobe with quint go to quint.com weirdo for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com weirdo Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com weirdo hey everyone, it's Leah Greenberg and Ezra Levin.

[Kevin Nealon]

You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the no Kings protests. We're also the co founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

And this is what's the Plan? Your weekly guide to the state of our democracy and how we fight back. This is not canned talking points. It's a real live discussion space for the pro democracy movement. We wrestle with strategy together. We take your top voted questions in real time and we talk about the most impactful actions we can take right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Democracy is a participatory sport. The fascists win when we sit on the sidelines.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's the Plan Is about how we.

[Pete Holmes]

Get into the game.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

What's the plan? Available Friday, January 23rd wherever you get.

[Pete Holmes]

Your podcast, subscribe, recruit, discuss, organize and win.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the plan.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on.

[Kevin Nealon]

So instead of commas and periods or whatever quotes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's all covered by the emoji at the end. Yeah. That tells you I don't need a question mark.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I just need an emoji with a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I like my mom is pretty good at emojis and she is 84. She'll. She'll nail it.

[Kevin Nealon]

How'd you do with that when you here's what I do on my contact list. When someone I know dies, I don't delete them.

[Pete Holmes]

You put I think it's skull.

[Kevin Nealon]

Skull with the two X's for the eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Skull.

[Kevin Nealon]

That way it reminds me they're dead. And I don't call them. I go.

[Pete Holmes]

I start calling them. But then the picture is a skull. Yeah. Yeah. If you can get a picture of their skull, even better. Too dark. Wow. Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's not the Pete Holmes I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I brought up my old mom, and you brought up when someone's dead.

[Kevin Nealon]

I. Tell me. Tell me about yourself. Tell me about. Tell me about what you're thinking about these days. What about what? About atheism.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want my hot take?

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I've been looking into that a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

You're interested?

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm interested in. I'm hearing things that people are saying that makes sense to me about atheism.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure. You.

[Kevin Nealon]

What. What.

[Pete Holmes]

What grabs you about it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I will tell you this first, that I told a friend of mine that who's into mythology and spiritualism. She goes, well, let's go on a hike sometime and I'll punch some holes in that for you.

[Pete Holmes]

In atheism?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And I don't know how she was.

[Pete Holmes]

Gum disease.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was. Well, I worry about telling you. No, it was nobody you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. But I know a lot of people. I'm just kidding. We do not have to tell you.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right, I'll tell you. It was Rudy Giuliani.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So he went out in the sunlight.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where did he go, by the way?

[Pete Holmes]

He went out in the sunlight.

[Kevin Nealon]

Everybody disappeared. That was.

[Pete Holmes]

He probably dances high.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He used to be. We're old enough to remember a Giuliani that was like.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's a hero.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

In New York, he could have been president.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. Yeah. I had a high Giuliani, and then it just went real goofy. Same with, like. What's his name?

[Kevin Nealon]

Mark Meadows. Where did he go?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, who?

[Kevin Nealon]

Mark Meadows.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Meadows.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like the Tim Meadows, his brother.

[Kevin Nealon]

But getting back to the atheism.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because I know this really interests you, and you're very spiritual. I know you're spiritual. And I'm all.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you didn't do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm all for the universe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Spiritualism. But I've been hearing some people's opinions about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, can I tell you. Can I join you there?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What a wonderful unburdening of so many horrible ideas atheism is. I know. So let's start there. I don't want to poke holes in your atheism. I Want to celebrate your intuition? Okay, that goes. It can't be this. What I find appealing about this is, it's empty, it's spacious, it's not filled with all this dog and all these rules and all this wrong God stuff. Nasty stuff.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Mean stuff. So when I briefly became an atheist after my wife left me, it's in my book. I was like, a couple weeks.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you an atheist?

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I don't believe God exists. Does that make sense?

[Kevin Nealon]

So you're agnostic?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I believe. It's like if someone. You're a cartoonist, someone drew two piece. Two cartoons on a piece of paper and one bubble says, do you believe in paper? That would be like me saying, do you believe in God? The ground of being, what makes reality knowable and experienceable. Your consciousness is God.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, we only know we know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But more than that, what you know is the knowing of the universe. There's only one knowing, and it's localized in you and it's localized in me. This sounds very trippy, but it's not something, somewhere called God. So when you. If you're interested in atheism, where I would join you there is. I'd say, I don't think God exists. I think God is what makes existence knowable and experienceable. But you can't point to it and say, there's God. There's not. No, that's Oz behind a curtain.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or that's an old man in the sky. So I also believe God is nothing. God is no thing. It's not a thing. It's like, this is better. We're in a movie. If you and I were in a movie, God is the screen. It's this knowing field wherein you go, I am, Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am.

[Pete Holmes]

I exist.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now, where do you.

[Pete Holmes]

Does that do anything?

[Kevin Nealon]

Where do you come up with those philosophies?

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that is real. I mean, I also tell you. Or is it.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me it is from reading. But tell me more about what appeals to you about atheism, because it sounds like we're similar.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, like I said, we know what we know science. We know this exists. We know that planets exist, but. And 5,000 years, when there's nothing here and there's no Bible, we know this exists.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

This planet. But we don't know that that exists.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Kevin Nealon]

And, you know, funny enough, Ricky Gervais had something that really hit home with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you meant to.

[Kevin Nealon]

He said, you know, there's 300,000 religions, you know, yours just happens to be the right One.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. No, he's right on. He's right on. So often the faith. You're Catholic. Raised Catholic. I was raised Protestant. Your faith has more about where, when, and to whom you were born. It's way more tribal than it is about where you were born. So we agree. We need a concept of God that transcends this planet. What about. What if there's aliens? What if there's alien life somewhere? I would say, no matter what happens, everything's eviscerated. Or it's aliens in another dimension. The knowing with which they know their experience, that is God. It's the only universal. It's the only thing that can't be taken from you.

[Kevin Nealon]

True, true. And. And. And to tag that there's thinking about the universe and aliens, I mean, I don't even think that we're capable of understanding where all this came from.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean? I mean, to think that we know where all of that infinity came from.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I agree.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay, so I've tried to laugh about.

[Pete Holmes]

The Big Bang Theory before. I had a bit where I go, I love the Big Bang Theory. Look, I. I really do admire any take, and I know I'm oversimplifying it, but it's like, bang. It existed and it's like, what?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, it was big.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I love.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, it was big. It was big.

[Pete Holmes]

It was bang, and it was there, and it was like, what?

[Kevin Nealon]

Very big.

[Pete Holmes]

Very big. It was a very huge bang. Huge bang.

[Kevin Nealon]

Beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful. It's good marketing. You got to call it a big bang.

[Kevin Nealon]

When's your next special?

[Pete Holmes]

February.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, someone like, you can come out with a special, like, every six months, because you're always analyzing things and curious about things. And you talk a lot. There's a lot of talk, and you're able. That's how I think. People come up special. They talk a lot to other people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true.

[Kevin Nealon]

They're able to help.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you hike a lot. Do you find your podcast helps?

[Kevin Nealon]

I find I enter a lot of marathons from that.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you enter a marathon?

[Kevin Nealon]

I just did a 5K. I started off as a 10K, but.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't say K. It's like 1.4 miles.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, like I said, as if runners.

[Pete Holmes]

Couldn'T be more annoying. You have to. We're talking kilometers now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, blurry nipples. Fucking tell me how far you're running. 5K.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a riddle.

[Pete Holmes]

I need a slide rule to know how impressed I am.

[Kevin Nealon]

You could do another special next week.

[Pete Holmes]

Only when I.

[Kevin Nealon]

When are you doing. In February. When are you doing your next special?

[Pete Holmes]

It comes out in February.

[Kevin Nealon]

It comes out. You've done it already?

[Pete Holmes]

Done. It's been done.

[Kevin Nealon]

How far in between two specials?

[Pete Holmes]

It's been. Well, I love this because comics care about this, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a year after my last special, but it's been sitting in a fucking vault like the Ark of the Covenant.

[Kevin Nealon]

How long?

[Pete Holmes]

At least seven, eight months.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's been a long time. And did you edit yourself?

[Pete Holmes]

I always have to.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, that's ridiculous, isn't it? It's so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the most painful thing in the world.

[Kevin Nealon]

And your mic is in here in one hand, the mic in the next show.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And the tone of my voice, I'm just going. I like myself and I'm watching. Going like.

[Kevin Nealon]

I can't stand watching me.

[Pete Holmes]

I always just go, calm down. I want him to calm down. Stop. Calm down. Every comedian, though, Any. Almost any comedian except Tig Notaro, who's great. That's a great tone for a special. Most of us, we do a special like it's a live show and it's just a little too much juice.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know. I mean, I listen to some of my tapes when I first started off and it's very low key. And now, like, I'm trying to reach out to the audience too much. You know, I'm trying to bring them.

[Pete Holmes]

In, but that's what they want. Now, I don't mean to be the weatherman of comedy, but, like, yeah, there's a high front of. Please talk to us.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I will tell you that I am at that level of energy as Tig and Nate Brazzi. Yeah. And it makes me. Encourages me to see that someone like Nate can fill up an arena. Yeah. You know, I know, but he's fat.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm with you, too, because, look, I. I love Dane Cook. Dane Cook fills up a thing. But you're like. He's like a jaguar. You know what I mean? He's like.

[Kevin Nealon]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like a spectacle. And the. Nate is not right. But he is. But he's doing it in this very lo fi way. So there is something very encouraging about.

[Kevin Nealon]

There is. There is.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Kevin Nealon]

And instead of me trying to go to the audience, let them come to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Someone. I think someone with Mel Brooks or somebody said that, you know, your ripples. Imagine your ripples will go out to the audience. Let them get the ripples.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you? Oh, I like that ripples. My wife goes, slow down. They haven't heard it before. She's so smart. Oh, I. I don't mean I'm having a moment, but I'm just like. Like I felt so much love for my wife. She's so smart, she's so funny and she's always just like, pete, slow down.

[Kevin Nealon]

They haven't heard it, but it's not slowing down. You're excited.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. No, it's true.

[Kevin Nealon]

I see so much excitement in you when you're on stage. It's like you want to share it with everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good. Thank you. Where it goes sideways is I'll start hyper vigilantly interpreting what was a quarter of a second of silence as. You didn't get it. You don't like me. Where are you? Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too. Sometimes look, when I'm right, we'll hit a warp speed. So it's a risk when I'm wrong. When I have a show where I just wasn't syncing up with the Crown, it's almost like I'm a lunatic. Like, why every. Like, like Sherlock Holmes. We were talking about Sherlock Holmes earlier while he came up. So it's like deducing is very cool when it's right. Like, oh, you must be right handed. You're wearing your watch on your left hand. You know that sort of stuff. It's fun when it's right, but when it's wrong, it's so stupid, you know, and so embarrassing. Same with interpreting a crowd. When it's right and when I'm right. Holy shit. That was a miracle. But if I'm like a little tired, a little wrong, little off little. I've been doing too much stand up, a little exhausted, whatever it might be, it'll go really wrong. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it for the world. It's a high wire act.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is. That's you. That's who you are. Let me ask you this. When you did your special, yours is coming out January, January 27th, called Loosen the Crotch on YouTube actually, but with 800 pound gorilla.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what it is.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

£800.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Bill Burr's company. I Bill bird's bodyguard. An 800 pound gorilla.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really say it to the gorilla. I pay him in bananas.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you do your special.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then you go on the road after that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you're doing the same material for a while.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the. The crossfade yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But now you're adding on to those bits you did in the special.

[Pete Holmes]

Hurts, don't it? And you're doing a much better job, doesn't it?

[Kevin Nealon]

You're like, why didn't I do this during the special?

[Pete Holmes]

The worst. Neil Brennan did reshoots. He did no audience. I don't think he'd mind. It was, it was interesting.

[Kevin Nealon]

Smart.

[Pete Holmes]

Couldn't tell when you, when you. I think it's blocks. No, it's not blocks. It's the other one. Neil's great. Watch all of his specials, but he went back and. And did pickups of lines that he didn't do or whatever. But because the pain is so real, I just go, you know what's great, though? Because of. Of Instagram and all that, you can just post another version of it.

[Kevin Nealon]

They all know watch clips. That's all they're going to watch.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're. Yeah. I almost called my talk about special titles. I almost called mine one hour of strung together social media clips. Just like never ending Barrage.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where did you do yours?

[Pete Holmes]

I did mine at the Aladdin in Portland.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, that's theater.

[Pete Holmes]

It is small, but I was thinking about it. It's funny that you mentioned it. Last night I was like, next one. Because I'm not for everybody. I did in Minneapolis in a smaller venue.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a great title.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Mine was I'm not for anyone. Take a break. We'll be right back.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like a good Me roast joke. I'm not for everyone. How about I'm not for anyone. Pete Holmes, we love you. He starts crying. You got me out of that tight spot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Somebody really loves me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. But I think that was. I love my new special, but there's an oration that I want to avoid. When you're really like, hello. You know, like. Because it's, you know, 700, 800 people.

[Kevin Nealon]

800. And what you do with your stand up, if I may, is when you're. And I'm just coming off the top of my head right now, maybe this is wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Off the knee low.

[Kevin Nealon]

But when you are doing a bit, I don't know if you call it a bit, but when you're exchanging your ideas, audience, you are sort of kind of like explaining them to something to them that of course you guys are going to know. And that's what I'm telling you right now. Isn't this true, everyone?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's the. I think I'm hearing you, like the confidence, like comedy confidence.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes. And you're gonna understand.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I noticed. And I'm gonna put this back to you, you salty dog. When I'm with.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're so smart.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife will point out we were at a kid's birthday party two nights ago.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're doing birthday parties now? Jesus. You are doing well. You ever do a stadium birthday party? That's when you're doing really well. Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. All the balloons, they release them.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. They fall. Oh, that's a thrill.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a thrill.

[Kevin Nealon]

You've won something.

[Pete Holmes]

Confetti.

[Kevin Nealon]

When they fall.

[Pete Holmes]

Sirens. Either you're being pulled over or you won't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you been pulled over lately?

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't been pulled over in a long time.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

That's not true. I have been. I had to go to traffic school. It was the worst. I went on and I was like, oh, traffic. This will be fun. I'm gonna learn about. I thought I was gonna get, like, facts. They make it unbearable. It's a punishment.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where do you go? Where do you go?

[Pete Holmes]

It was online.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, online. No, that's easy.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbearable.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they say, look, if you get that wrong, they have another cup of coffee and then you go back. They just do it again.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but like, when I took the classes that lead to the test, the classes couldn't have been worse. I was like, could I do this? I want to do this, guys. Double yellow. Say it with me. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you remember when.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, let me tell you the thing about.

[Kevin Nealon]

Go back and then we'll come back this time.

[Pete Holmes]

What is that?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, it's just a driver's thing.

[Pete Holmes]

A driver's thing? Yeah, I just want to talk.

[Kevin Nealon]

Forgot it already. Forgot it. Totally forgot it flew away. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead.

[Kevin Nealon]

You want to talk.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want. When I'm off stage at the kids birthday party that I was working. No, we're just talking. I was talking about something I like to call the Kimlin scale. The Kimlin scale is how much something tastes like how you thought it should taste. I'll give you an example. I think a blueberry muffin is a 10 on the Kimlin scale. A blueberry muffin tastes exactly like a blueberry muffin. Is this true?

[Kevin Nealon]

Kimla scale?

[Pete Holmes]

I just made it up.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why did you call it?

[Pete Holmes]

Word means nothing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Means nothing. Coca Cola is a 10 on a Kimlin? Yeah. Yeah. I would say cotton candy. For me, it's very personal. But cotton candy is like a four on the Kimlin scale. I thought it would be sweet. It's kind of sour. Something kind of. Why are you mad at me? Cotton candy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Why are you mad at me?

[Pete Holmes]

Donuts. When I first had a donut, like a chocolate donut. You're like, oh, my God, a chocolate. This is a dinosaur turd. Fucking glazed chocolate. Did it taste like a dinosaur turd? Dry.

[Kevin Nealon]

Dry.

[Pete Holmes]

Tastes like flour. What is this, Italian? This is an Italian sweet. You know how the Italian sweets really taste? Like how they made it. No shade. It's Italy. I'm just saying there's always like a spice in there.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The out of here Kimlin scale.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I used to make donuts. A Dunkin Donuts.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's one of my first jobs. No way. I worked a night shift.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I'd like to keep this on me.

[Kevin Nealon]

You did. This comes back to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Go, go ahead. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I worked in Bridgeport, Connecticut on Main street at the Dunkin Donuts when I was 18.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

At night and a lot of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Going to Dunkin Tonas at night.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Really? Oh, man. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Weird.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I'm in the back behind the glass, so they go watch me make all the donuts. They watched you deep grease the chopsticks as you're flipping them. They have cake donuts and we have yeast donuts.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the deep fried, like kind of the honeydew style.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. Jellies. We push the jelly in there, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Get accordion the jelly.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do it all. Do it all. And during the day. During the day. I had a job as a lifeguard. You shouldn't have a night job when you're a lifeguard. Wow. I slept through three drownings. You one of them at Dunkin Donuts. Take a break.

[Pete Holmes]

That is too good. I'm doing cpr. I'm filling the guy with jelly. I forget which job I'm at. I'm like, when do I flip him over with the chopsticks? He's dead. Change his phone to a skull emoji. He was in your phone? He was a friend. That's amazing and fascinating. You know what a lot of. And this is a great immigrant thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of immigrant tension here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Obviously it's a horrible time in that. Whatever. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying with respect to everything that's going on, what a lot of immigrants did that came to LA is they took the donut making class at like Krispy Kreme and all the donut places quit. Open up their own donut place.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know this I know this.

[Pete Holmes]

That's slick, right? Yeah. And the pink boxes are. Because the pink boxes were the cheapest. You watch the documentary?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I did see the guy. The guy that Donut king or whatever. Donut King. Brilliant.

[Pete Holmes]

And now they can't because they're so successful. Their kids all went to college and the whole backbone of the industry was that their kids, like, worked at the store. And now it doesn't work because they were, you know, people want that crap.

[Kevin Nealon]

People want crap and things that, you know, just came together.

[Pete Holmes]

People want crap.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now they don't want crap, but they want things that are. That came from the earth that are very, you know, rudimentary.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know where we got. How we got here from Donuts.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I was going to say with the driving thing. Christopher Lloyd. Remember that? That episode? Christopher Lloyd was taking his driver's test in Taxi. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, did we say Taxi?

[Kevin Nealon]

It was Ripley, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you. Taxi. Okay. So he took a drink.

[Kevin Nealon]

You remember this scene I'm talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you don't?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

So he's taking his test, the written test, and the others are watching him.

[Pete Holmes]

You brought it back. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Watching him from the side. And it's on his muscle, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

And just admiring your own muscle.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was getting in the way. I couldn't see you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's hard to see me. I'm sorry. Sleeper guns. Sleeper guns. Kevin, Neal and Sleeper. Make that word up. Sleeper gun.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anyway, so he can't get something. He goes to the. He goes to his friends. He goes, what does yellow light mean? And they go, slow down. He goes, what does yellow light?

[Pete Holmes]

Very good. Nobody. Nobody's mad at that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That was a great series.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever meet Christopher?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. No, I knew him.

[Pete Holmes]

You knew him?

[Kevin Nealon]

He's still alive? Yeah, he's still alive. I used to bark me your phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me see the emoji. He's alive. We were on a plane once.

[Kevin Nealon]

You were?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's alive.

[Kevin Nealon]

I saw him with my own. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew him from when I used to bartender the improv when I was 23, 24. And he would always come in just before last call and he'd order two white wines. As a bartender, you remember what everybody ordered. Wow. What the drink was and how much they tipped you.

[Pete Holmes]

And how much did he tip?

[Kevin Nealon]

88. I don't remember what he tipped, but he would have that wine. He would just sit there and look straight ahead. And one time I got him to laugh really hard. Somebody Came in and he was sitting there with his two wines. And they said, have you given last call yet? I said, yeah, a couple minutes ago. I said, but what would you like? He goes, oh, you know, I'll have a Bud. I said, hang on. And I opened up a fake door. Guys, bring back the Bud Light. Bring back this. Get the band going again. And Christopher Lloyd. I remember exactly what I said, but it was kind of like getting everything back out again. He was laughing. I felt good about that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Kevin Nealon]

The first time. You're gonna like this. The first time I walked into the Improv, I was 23. Melrose came out here. Melrose. I'm sitting at the bar and I'm looking in the mirror. I'm scared to be there. I'm looking in the mirror. And the guy on the right, these big bulging eyes. Marty Feldman.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was a big comedy guy, you know, not just an actor, but he was into the. In the scene, in the scene. Improv and all that. And then on my left, this guy turns to me, he goes, he. He finds out that I'm just coming in and I'm newbie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he goes, I'm actually the original Ronald McDonald. No, that's what I said to him. No, I was more excited about him than Marty Feldman.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, Ronnie McD, Ronald McDonald. That guy did some commercials out of Clown Face. Well, let me see him in, like a Lexus commercial.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you're like, oh, yeah, he did the Colonel. He did everything.

[Pete Holmes]

He was the Colonel. He crossed lines. He did. He crossed fast food lines. The Burger King, briefly.

[Kevin Nealon]

So the guy was messing with me. It was Bob Zamuda who was the Zapruder film. No, Bob Zamuda, who was Andy Kaufman's, like, partner, sidekick. He would. He would be the ref on all the fighting matches.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you cross paths with Andrew? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Andy Croft, he would come into the Improv. See, I worked at the Improv during this time when everybody was coming in.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, Robin would come in from Mork and Mindy with a suspenders still. Jay Leno would come in on his motorcycle. Your worst impressionist.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm right behind you. The motorcycles of every comedian.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I love Danny Kaufman. My break, he was my big influence. Andy Kaufman. Yeah. I was always afraid to talk to him, but I remember he was out front of the club one night and I went up to him and I know he was into tm, so I said, andy, tell me about tm. And that was like. That was a button he spoke for, like a half hour to me. Not to me, but just kind of looking out at the traffic and stuff, talking about tm, and I'm just. I'm just looking at. I'm not hearing. I'm just looking at the moles on his face, you know, I'm not studying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You finally got a close look.

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't care about TM.

[Pete Holmes]

Who gives a. You weirdo. I just. It's on YouTube, and they shot it at the Melrose Improv. That special he did where he plays the bongos.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I was there.

[Pete Holmes]

You were there?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was there at a lot of his performances.

[Pete Holmes]

You were there.

[Kevin Nealon]

I would see Robin. I would see Albert Brooks.

[Pete Holmes]

No way. I'm involved now. That's it. And drive. I'm involved. Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

These are. No, I really got the experience. And as a bartender. So when someone is in the. In the room, guys like, Richard Lewis would kill.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Because it was a whole, like, an expat New Yorker room.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I mean, there was. I mean, I saw so many great comics in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Was Richard Lewis one of the standouts?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't say underrated, but I don't know if, like, people always mention Robin, but I feel like Richard Lewis, he had that kinetic thing, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

He had the notes, real neuroses. The notes. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like seven feet of notes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. The legal pad.

[Pete Holmes]

But when it was. I feel like he's a guy, too. Like, if it was working, I bet it was unfollowable.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got a call once behind the bar with Steve Martin. This is like 80. 1980.

[Pete Holmes]

So peak. Yeah, Peak Martin.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he goes, is Bud there? I said, he's not here.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do Steve. I'm trying.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm trying.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to think of how he would do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. So.

[Pete Holmes]

We both did. I could hear it, though.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think I could be a good impressionist if I really focused on it. Yeah, but we can't just do it off the top. Who wants. There's already one of them. Why do you want another one?

[Pete Holmes]

We're moving now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Is Bud there? No, I'm calling for Bud Friedman.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like, I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I go, hey, I'm sorry, he's not here. Can I help you? Goes, yes, Steve Martin. I was wondering if I come down and do a set. I said, yes. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You open the door. You did the bed guys open to get the band. Steve is here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Put the stage back up.

[Pete Holmes]

Did he come?

[Kevin Nealon]

He did Arrow.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Just kidding.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not Arrow. No, Club. Club Club.

[Pete Holmes]

White suit.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no, no. But Albert Brooks, I remember he came down once. He must have been up in the hills with his friends, smoking doobie or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

During open mic night. And he just took over. He did like an hour and a half on stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Every comic.

[Kevin Nealon]

But. So I'm saying, like, I. I, as a. As a starting off comic, I got to see all these comics perform. People I saw on tv, they're coming into the club. Go ahead. I was just saying I run upstairs because the room is packed and there's a little peephole at the top where I could watch.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean where you duck under the thing?

[Kevin Nealon]

At the time, back then. Yeah. There was none of that stuff up. That was Bud's office up the top of the stairs.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, the bigger room, the left.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. I didn't know that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I would go up there at night and, you know, do all the receipts from the. Put them in the. Then the canvas, bag with a lock and bring it to the bank.

[Pete Holmes]

Bag your nose.

[Kevin Nealon]

Cocaine.

[Pete Holmes]

Loved it. You're a big cokehead, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Still. Still.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're a big cokehead. You bring out the glimmer about your.

[Kevin Nealon]

Coke and your head.

[Pete Holmes]

What is the thing about your cocaine?

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I've never done coke in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither.

[Kevin Nealon]

Pot.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do some pot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Still.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm 46. Gav, I'd love your take.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you 46?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Is there something behind.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

I Not sure if you were younger or older, but I never thought 46. I didn't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish hot didn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

You could be 46 forever. I mean, this is like lock in. You got everything going, you know, you're not overweight, you got good hair. Not a lot of wrinkles in the forehead, maybe, but that's Botox. You'll take care of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you friends with Dave?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I've known Dave forever. I know him before he was super thin.

[Pete Holmes]

Moves from you. Yeah, yeah. Before he became this. And you can't hold him in your head as that. He's still the old Heavy Dave up here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you see him. Every time you see him, you're like, oh, Jesus, I love Dave to death.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What was I gonna say?

[Kevin Nealon]

Something about being 46. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Oh, yeah, that's. That's Steve Martin. Okay. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, he does that.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish pot didn't have any ramifications. If I wanted to smoke pot last night, I was just kind of having a junked Day, like a little chunked, you know, My daughter climbed in bed with us. Just kind of fucked up our sleep. It's just one of these days it was fine. And I was like, old homesy deserves a treat. That's always the voice. Have a treat. Smoke some.

[Kevin Nealon]

Win.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, I can. I have this podcast today.

[Kevin Nealon]

I. It would be.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. It would be 30% less fun if I had smoked last night.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And people don't talk about that. I know I do. I can't shut up about it. But, like, people talk about weed as the consequence free fun thing. I'm like, I'll do it if I have, like a free week after.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really? You have a. A hangover from a. Of sorts. What about gummies or not at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes. Sometimes I'll be better the next day. I'm like, I can't call it. And then sometimes, like, we just had a podcast. I won't say which one, but we recorded it, and I left. And I was like, I don't know if that was good or bad. I was in a fog. Often people can't tell, but I'm like, I didn't feel as engaged. How are you on the weed, Weeds?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't do weed.

[Pete Holmes]

No weed.

[Kevin Nealon]

When I did that show Weeds, people used to think I was a big pot smoker.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Give them the weed.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like, I'm just an actor. It's like, if you're on Sopranos, you don't kill people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they do love an actor. A gabagool, though.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got Bagoul.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever meet Gandalfini?

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't. We were the same management company. What's that? We were at the same management company.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We have the same midnight. Who cares?

[Kevin Nealon]

Who are you with?

[Pete Holmes]

Wme? Don't care for it. Do you do, like, comic cons and stuff where you just go and sign?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Do you?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Would you? I would. I'm going to.

[Pete Holmes]

They make big, big money.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm gonna do it. You should do it. I'm doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Big money.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got one also.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say this. Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who?

[Kevin Nealon]

Who?

[Pete Holmes]

We'll talk off.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll talk off. Because I'd love an age.

[Kevin Nealon]

I. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was not. I wouldn't say it was humiliating, but Joe McHale put me in touch with his comic con person. I texted them and I was like, hey, I'm Batman. I'm in the X Men videos. I'm in the Street Fighter videos. Like, I'm trying To tell them about. I'm on the Simpsons. I've been on Star wars cartoons. I'm like, I think I could do this ghosted.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

It was real.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'll hook you up with somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt real.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got somebody. Pat Oswald. You know him? Yeah, he does that. He books those. Comic Con.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. He'll get you.

[Pete Holmes]

That would be great. Patton would be great.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm sure he does.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you mean. Oh, you mean he's the agent.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's the agent.

[Pete Holmes]

He could play the agent.

[Kevin Nealon]

He could.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's. He's. He's great. One of the greats.

[Kevin Nealon]

So nothing aside from pot, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Did, like, no coke. Never tried it.

[Kevin Nealon]

But no Quaaludes ever.

[Pete Holmes]

Or me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I've done pretty much mushrooms. Every psychedelic. Yeah, I've done psychedelics.

[Kevin Nealon]

See, I don't want to put something in my body I can't get out of right away.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. And that's part of it. I'm not here to talk you into it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay. That's what. That was the feeling I had when I came here. That's why you got me here.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like you're living in a nice place. I like the light you're in. I like the space you're in. I like. Yeah, you may. I like the vibe you're giving off. There's certain people that I'm like, you need someone to, like, shine some light on your heart, and you need to be out of control. And the mushrooms and get that in there. I'm not getting that vibe from you. Compliment. I like that we give compliments that you have to go. It's a compliment. So is it. Is it a compliment if it's very unclear and makes.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is all material here? This is why you can do a special every week.

[Pete Holmes]

Special every week. People used to put out albums where they'd just riff Rory Scoville, but, like, yeah, yeah, Bill Cosby.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know Bill Cosby was the first guy I saw, like, just not stand up at the mic. He would sit down on the front of the stage, talk to the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

Really out of the lights.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, they put a light on him.

[Pete Holmes]

But find him, find him, find him. His sets always started with the creek of a light. Find the zippity.

[Kevin Nealon]

Find the flabbery Ghibli. Put that on after the compliment thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then go with the flippity flabberity. And you gotta have your special right there.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, we could. This is why this. Yes. This is why I Like clips.

[Kevin Nealon]

Sorry, I hit her in the head.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie's used to it. Gabriel Iglesias threw a chair at her. I'm just kidding.

[Kevin Nealon]

I just picked a random guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Fluffy. Fluffy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hey. Isn't it cool that you know all these comics?

[Pete Holmes]

When I texted you this morning, I was like, what? I'm sorry, but you're. You're. You are a legend.

[Kevin Nealon]

Forgive and you rise and you're rise. It doesn't mean I'm a legend, but in some people, it's how you. How you perceive things to make you happy.

[Pete Holmes]

We're meaning making machines. You reached me at a time when, like, vulnerable. The photo paper was, like, underexposed. Like, it's on there. Like those SNL folks. I mean, Hans and Franz.

[Kevin Nealon]

Get the fuck. No, but not even that.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw what.

[Kevin Nealon]

What I'm speaking.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

When I first came to Los Angeles, I didn't know any comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And they're all older than me. And, you know, they were established. I didn't know them. I wasn't even in the business, really. But now I know everybody. I know you. I know Jay Leno. I know you know Conan. I know. I know Ali Wong. All these comics that are, like, established. I know that I'm part of that whole package.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we saying the same thing? Because when I texted you, hey, just a reminder, because last time you did, we were in a different studio. I wanted to make sure you had the right address. So I text you the address, and I was like, that's really fun. Not in, like, a sycophantic weirdo way. Not single white female, but just, like, a moment of appreciation of, like, what fun that we know each other.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you. I wasn't, like, weird about it. Do the podcast. Not weird about it. That's something that took over a decade to, like, get burst into a scene. Don't be a fucking weirdo. To the point where people hate you.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, yeah, get folded into it. I remember in Steve Byrne. You know Steve Byrne?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Very funny guy. He is a. This is 20 years ago. But his bio said, like, Steve has done this, this, then this, but his greatest achievement is being included in the New York comedy scene. And I was like, that's fucking right.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's right.

[Pete Holmes]

He got it.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

He's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's about being included.

[Pete Holmes]

It's having part of that. We actually have a culture.

[Kevin Nealon]

It is a culture. And you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, we have shortcomings and there's foibles and all this.

[Kevin Nealon]

Stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, we actually have. We. We have, like, rites of initiation. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, you're judged a lot when you're coming onto the scene by other.

[Pete Holmes]

Comics, and that's because we're making it mean something. Everybody should be so lucky. When I was starting.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am so flattered when I think about how an established comic like you would know me.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that right?

[Kevin Nealon]

You know me.

[Pete Holmes]

What fun.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you know that I'm in that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

That group.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I know what you mean. And it doesn't surprise me because working with Judd, our dear, both of our.

[Kevin Nealon]

Judd loves you.

[Pete Holmes]

So Judd is a. Is a legend as well.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I also see, like, you're only a legend to people if they know you.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

You ever been with Judd and you meet some lady and no idea, and who cares?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why. That was my joke with Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks who? Right. There are people who don't know who Mel Brooks is.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Marty Feldman or. And what. What's fun is we know each other. We're this nice little island of broken toys or fun toys.

[Kevin Nealon]

We don't have to be. And so. And so that's why you don't get so full of yourself, because, you know, eventually no one will know who you are.

[Pete Holmes]

Years. All new people.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You know, I do. I always bring this up to him, and he hates it. I do the radio show in Austin whenever I'm there. I haven't done it lately, but he's like the Howard Stern of. Of Austin. Dale Dudley, his name is. And we would always kind of go out for lunch afterwards. And I've been doing a show for a long time, maybe 10 years. And the last time we went out, we went to this restaurant, and we sit down, and he goes, you know what I notice about you? You're not getting recognized as much anymore. I said, you know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks, dude.

[Kevin Nealon]

I haven't thought about that. But you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's such a gradual thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And, you know, there's a point where I thought, this is nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm not getting overwhelmed. But now I'm past that point where, hey, where's everybody? Remember me?

[Pete Holmes]

Could use a sprinkling.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like nutmeg on eggnog. Just a little bit.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, you get young people in your audience, and you start dropping names and, you know, they don't know who you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

This is starting to happen, you know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Starting happening for me, by the way, people are collapsing and falling off their chairs onto the floor, dying. They've had to stop the show five times for me in the last two years.

[Pete Holmes]

It's real people dying. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

They not dying because they're older. They're older. I don't know if they've died, but they take them away. But they stop the show. They turn the lights on and the show stops.

[Pete Holmes]

Five times.

[Kevin Nealon]

Five times. And one of. One of the biggest laughs I've ever got was at the Comedy Cellar. This happened in New York. The guy, you know, the woman collapses. They stop the show. And I'm like in the middle of a joke about a cookie. Yeah, right. And so they work on her, they take her away, and then they turn the lights off and the spotlight back on. And I started immediately with that cookie. So the cookie was. It wasn't warm, but it was hot. When you get the piano player to laugh, you know, it's a funny. A funny joke. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fantastic. That's happened to me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Has it?

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody right in the front collapsed, and I didn't know. I didn't get a big laugh.

[Kevin Nealon]

You didn't come come back with it?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it was right towards the end.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was like, worst.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm closing, basically. Woman falls. The sweetest thing. The table. It was strangers two and two. So you didn't know each other? Yeah, the two. I don't want to say I have really sweet fans, but I do. They paid for her bill. They had a wheelchair in their car. They went out and got it before the paramedics.

[Kevin Nealon]

They gave her mouth to mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

They gave her mouth to mouth. It was a little bit, but kind of sexy. Kind of sexy. Everybody was loving it. It's what brought her back. She was fine, but like it that this is happening, but that if it's happening at the Cellar, there must be something about your act that's killing people.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, it's the age of my audience. I think they're getting older.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're at the Cellar, they didn't know it was your show.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I will tell you, I was at the Ice House about a year ago.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where you want to collapse because it's already a morgue.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right. Keep your body cold. So I'm doing my act and I hear. Here's what I hear. Off to the side, I think, geez, I'm moving away from this guy. You know how you do that? Yeah, sure. And. And then I hear from the back, he's choking. Someone help him. He's Choking. And I turn over there, and the guy is like, oh, no. And I know I've learned how to do the Heimlich maneuver, but I've never done it before. It terrifies me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I always wait, like, an extra second, see if somebody else does it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, of course.

[Kevin Nealon]

And nobody's doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be the first.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I just had knee surgery.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

So. And the stage is maybe that high. So I thought, I have to do something right now. And so I jump off the stage. I get behind them because somebody goes, someone do the Heimlich maneuver. And so I get behind him, and he's heavy. He's really heavy. And there's two people. I said, hold him up. Hold them up. And I'm around him like this. And just as I'm about to start the Heimlich maneuver, the woman has date or whoever it was says, oh, he's. He's coming around. He's all right. He's okay. He's okay. His eyes open up. He was okay. And I thought, thank God, man. Thank God. And they bring him to the back room. This is on video somewhere, of course. And they take him to the back room, to the green room. And, you know, we talk about it, you know, try to make it funny afterwards. And I go in the green room, and he is so grateful. He goes, thank you so much. I'm sorry. Sorry. That didn't happen. He wasn't choking on something. He had stomach cancer. And the medicine he was taking reacted to the, the alcohol. I was about to do a Heimlich maneuver on the guy whose stomach cancer because some woman in the back, who wasn't even close, said, he's choking. Do the Heimlich maneuver.

[Pete Holmes]

You're listening to the crowd.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm listening to the crowd.

[Pete Holmes]

Some lady said, he's choking.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, is anyone here a doctor?

[Kevin Nealon]

Basically, she could have said, like, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, he's having, he's diabetic. He needs sugar. She could have, she could have said that. It could have been that same kind of.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's having a heart attack. This is what. Some attack. This actually happened once. It was in Denver at the Comedy Works, the old place. Somebody goes, falls down on the ground. He goes, does anyone here have an aspirin? Yeah, I don't know if that person had a headache from seeing it or she wanted that, you know, the heart attack thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess who has aspirin on her? You do.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you have heart issues?

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I, I, I'm aware that that can happen. Look, at this, I found the smallest fanny pack. This is an EpiPen for my daughter.

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I was like, while I'm at it, why not just carry?

[Kevin Nealon]

You got an EpiPen?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She has got a bad allergy to some insects.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why I'm being vague about that.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's okay, man. But. But what do you keep. When you travel, what do you keep in your. Do you carry a backpack with you?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what. What's in there?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. What kind of medicine? Or to make you feel comfortable and safe. You don't.

[Pete Holmes]

No medicine. Oh, I. You know, what I do on the road is. I'll take. It's the only place I have a sleep aid because after I do shows, it's impossible to go to bed.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're going over the material?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Worked. And what didn't?

[Pete Holmes]

On one part, you like it. You wake up at 4am and you go, not toothpick, toothpaste. But you're also like, jesus, can we just calm down?

[Kevin Nealon]

I know I'm the most creative. In the morning, I wake up, I lay in bed, I'm thinking, I come up with so much stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

That and hiking, you know, just being out in the wilderness.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Get your mind off of it. Oh, don't look right at it.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's the best man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. You've probably seen me wearing my Apollo Neuro in hundreds of episodes of this podcast. Always on my wrist, sometimes now on my ankle, sometimes now. I clipped my shirt. What is an Apollo Neuro? It is not a tracker. It is a wearable that sends gentle vibrations to help support your nervous system by speaking to it in a language it can understand, which is touch. You can wear down your wrist or your ankle. It's silent, makes no noise. You don't have to do anything. There's no breathing technique. No. Clear your mind. Apollo works through your sense of touch with specific vibration patterns designed to signal safety or activation to your body. That means you can get calm on demand. Focus on demand. Energy sleep. Depending on the vibe, if you want to wind down at night, you put it on unwind, relax, and it lulls your body into this wonderful digital hug. Essentially. What's cool is it comes with the smart vibes AI in the app, so it adapts over time based on how and when you use it. You don't even have to manage it. Apollo adjusts with you. It's like having a nervous system coach built right into the device. I've noticed a huge difference with my stress management and a huge one with my sleep, which is chemical free and a really nice way to fall and stay asleep at night. So if you want to support your stress and sleep instead of just tracking it, Apollo is worth trying. They even offer a money back guarantee so you can see how your body responds. You got nothing to lose. Comment Apollo to get 99 off.

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[Kevin Nealon]

But man, to come up with a tag on a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Or even a new joke after you film the special. Exactly. It was a joke that came up with, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we point out. Let's get to that joke that you were like, I need to go viral. I need to save somebody. You did.

[Kevin Nealon]

I actually did. But it didn't go viral.

[Pete Holmes]

Clip it. Clip that guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

But the joke, also the joke. It's a silly joke.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I find that people like silly jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

People love them. My new special is called Silly Silly fun. Boy, is it really just like, come on in.

[Kevin Nealon]

I go into my hotel, I tell them I was exhausted. I had just flown in and I'm walking to the hotel. I'm starving. And from the corner of my eye, I see the safe. But I thought it was a microwave. It was a safe because it has the buttons on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I ended up locking up a frozen Mac and cheese for six to eight minutes in there. It's very good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very good. It's very Kevin.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's a very like. Yeah. You know, it's not a package.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I give you a tag?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The worst part is I forgot to take it out. So the next lady goes in, she's gonna lock up her jewels and find a delicious high carb meal or something like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

She's gonna have a Mac and cheese smelling bracelet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. She's gonna wear her jewels.

[Kevin Nealon]

And it's like she put her jewels in a plate of Mac and cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. My daughter loves the safe in the hotel.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's her favorite. My wife does too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your wife's got the jewels. Drip, drip, Drip, drip.

[Kevin Nealon]

Can you open up the safe by not pushing the buttons, but just by going beep, beep, beep, beep, and maybe hitting the right beeps?

[Pete Holmes]

Is this like, kind of like how Steve Jobs made that thing? He hold up to payphones and it would play the right tone. Remember that?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything starts as an illegal thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you look on an iPhone and it tells you so many things. Like, you're a creep. No one could see this if you do that. You know, you could hide that. You know, if you go on WhatsApp, no one could read. It's encrypted.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you do this.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it's all, like, kind of. No one could check. You could erase your Google search here.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why we believe it. I'm not, like, a huge paranoid person. But when they're like, don't worry, no one's looking. Wait, but just to be clear, you could make more money if you looked, right? Yes. But you're not looking. No. I'm like, all right. That doesn't sound like a corporation to me. No.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right. It doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

How are you on the phone? What's your screen time?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a good question. Yeah, I will tell you. It's. It's long enough to be making my eyes go bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I need glasses.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you're on it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And then sometimes I'm thinking, I can't see the phone even. I can't. And then I go, oh, I could bring up the light a little more. Oh, that's better. You know, so now it's really.

[Pete Holmes]

Just really cooking.

[Kevin Nealon]

But there was a. Somebody just told me recently there's a setting called tone on the screen that makes it a little more.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, like the contrast?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it makes it a little softer in your eyes. Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You can do black and white, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you can, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if that'll help you.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, but I'm. Okay. So the question is, how many hours of screen time, what you have? Are you talking about on the phone or also on the laptop? Just the phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Laptop doesn't count.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, it really increased with Instagram. All the. All those before was just texting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But now there's. There's a them. So I am on. And also, before I go to bed at night, I do the New York Times crossword, the mini crossword puzzle.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, on the phone.

[Kevin Nealon]

On the phone. So I would say maybe, and I'll have to look at it. You can see I'm preambling here and I'm, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

You're filibustering.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I would probably say six hours a day. I'm guessing.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's like average, isn't it? I feel like, I don't know, pretty average.

[Kevin Nealon]

You, Six hours for you?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I wouldn't ask. It's like when people go, you own your house. They only ask if they own the house. Nobody's saying, what's your screen time? Unless it's real low.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tag that on to the compliment thing. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We got ourselves a show.

[Kevin Nealon]

Almost a show right now.

[Pete Holmes]

We got ourselves a show.

[Kevin Nealon]

People like you, you're always looking for the funny.

[Pete Holmes]

No. And I'm just, you know, I need the right frequency. Certain people make me real tight.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask you this for real?

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm gonna say, tell me what you want to ask me. I'll let you know if you can ask me that.

[Pete Holmes]

What's your least favorite race? I'm just kidding.

[Kevin Nealon]

One out of three, four against Covid.

[Pete Holmes]

One out of 30 people. I'll meet them and I'm like, you just give me the willies. You're freaking me out. Yeah, I instantly don't like you.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's pretty rare.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'll meet somebody. I'm just like, ah. Does that happen to you?

[Kevin Nealon]

Of course. Yeah. I mean, there's some people I don't jive with, you know, that we don't have. We're not in the same vibe.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't vibe.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I. I have a real annoying thing where when someone approaches me or I approach them and they greet me or I. And they're like, not enthusiastic. I mirror that, they'll go, hey, how's it going? I'll say, good, how you doing? But if they come in, hey, buddy, how's it going? I say, I'm doing great. I don't know if I do that just to be, you know, annoying or what, but it's just.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a. That's. It's not a bad people pleasing thing. My wife's a big mirror.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, she's a mirror.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's a great strategy. I watch her do it. She meets somebody and they're like, how many people are at her table? And she's like, I know people are. And I'm like, what the fuck is. But like, she's got a million friends. She just does it at the beginning.

[Kevin Nealon]

To warm up, ease into it.

[Pete Holmes]

And people like me are looking to be mirrored. I walk in and I'm like, what's up? You Fucking pirate twats. And she's like, pirate twats, haha. And like 10 minutes later, I'm calm, she's calm.

[Kevin Nealon]

We can all normal now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I see somebody doing what I do, which is like be weird. I go, get the fuck out of here. I'm not good with people like me.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're not good with people that are trying too hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's it. Because I see it a mile away. Beat it. Tell a Farley.

[Kevin Nealon]

Where he said that. Like he just walked in.

[Pete Holmes]

Farley, did you cross paths? Of course.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. No, I, I knew Chris. I remember the first day he came onto SNL on studio Saturday Night Live. Yes, Saturday night. No, Steven. Nigel. Nigel Lewis, the guy who invented the compass.

[Pete Holmes]

When Chris met Stephen Nigel, he was like, I don't know which ways south because I'm busting.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a good area that the guy who, who invented the compass, was he good with directions? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Does that really help outside of New York? Well, Nate Bar Gazi.

[Kevin Nealon]

What about him?

[Pete Holmes]

He had a great bit where he's like, once you go to New York, people are like, you're going to want to walk east two blocks. And he's like, well, I don't know which way east is because I left my compass in my desk in sixth grade.

[Kevin Nealon]

Great bet. I don't, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he left his I say compass.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. I don't fly southwest. Don't know how to get there.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good. Very Dave Wrath.

[Kevin Nealon]

I want to go to Austin to the south by southwest. But again, no compass. So Chris Farley, such an enigma. Is that a such a unique fellow.

[Pete Holmes]

How was he?

[Kevin Nealon]

I remember when he first came in off the elevators, I saw him walk in the hallway. He was very excited of course, you know, it was like work boots on and those pants and pulling up his pants and so wide eyed, happy to be there. It was like a new prisoner coming into prison, you know, I mean you see him coming down the fresh meat. Yeah. So yeah, I mean he just settled in pretty quickly and he kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, who do you have as office with?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, he absorbed it. He, he, he kind of absorbed all these guys like Spade and Sandler. They all shared on the 17th floor. They shared a big office space. Chris Rock had his own office and that was like so neat. It was so tidy. He had everything just lined up. He had, he had, you know, Martin Luther King book on there that's you know, lined up underneath all these black activists, you know. Oh wow. And so Jet Magazine. And then you go, Oh, I'm gonna hate to leave here, but I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

None of their more accurate ones.

[Kevin Nealon]

So outside of his office was the whole Sandler area. And it was Spade, Tim Meadows, Sandler, and Chris Farley now. And it was like a frat. It was like. Like he had teenage sons. And you go over, there's pizza boxes everywhere. You know, hustle.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, Kev. He's moving it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I can feel it. I feel the energy. Yeah. And so. So I think he really. I can't. I'm not a therapist. I can't analyze him. But he.

[Pete Holmes]

He.

[Kevin Nealon]

It seemed like he always needed approval, so he would make people laugh. Like he had to make people laugh. Especially those guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, to be accepted. And Jay Moore tells his story the best. I think it really happened to him. And I'm kind of paraphrasing, but Chris Farley came in once, and he's trying to impress the guys. He goes, I'm gonna drop my pants. I stick my butt out the window and take a dump down onto 51st Street. And they're like, do it, do it. So he.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it, do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, do it, do it, do it, do it. Come on, Farley. Spade, Spade. Like, yeah, why don't you do it?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you should do it. Yeah, why not? Tim is like, yeah, I can hear you fatter. I can't do it, Tim.

[Kevin Nealon]

So he sticks his butt out. The wind. He's not out far enough. So it lands on the windowsill with the pigeons. With the pigeons. And it's still there to this day.

[Pete Holmes]

It is not.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's one of the big stops on the NBC tour. Jay Mortels are better. It's. It's his point of view there. My.

[Pete Holmes]

In the Farley book, Spade talked about going to Madison with him. Wisconsin. And he's like, you need to understand. These guys would pop in pads of butter before the meal arrived into their mouths. Just open butter, suck up, suck on it. Like secrets.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's interesting. I used to work in the kitchen. My first job. A big kitchen for a retirement home. High rise. It was one of these kitchens with the brown tile floors, you know, and the big. All the metal, whatever the steel stuff, fixtures, and. And I would sometimes be on cleanup. Right. Clean up all the refrigerator, shine them up and stuff. Sweep the floors. And I would always go into the back where they had the little creamers, and I would just down those. Yeah, kids love them.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're a kid.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was 16.

[Pete Holmes]

That was your sustenance. Sustenance why don't those go bad?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. How can they leave them out?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was excited this morning. I'd been gone for the weekend doing a gig. I came back and my wife had fresh bread. I thought it was fresh in the bag. I said, is this stuff good still? She goes, yeah, yeah, we just got it. So I take it out, I see these little white things on there, I'm thinking, and I squeeze them. Oh, those are like nuts. You know, make sure it's not mold. And I put it in the toaster. And I'm just can't wait to sink my teeth into this, like fresh, you know, like organic bread, whatever it is, you know, it's like Dutch. Dutch bread or something. Dutch crunch, like that thick, you know. And I toast it and I put it on the plate and I take some butter and I slather it on there and it's kind of like a half inch of melted butter on there, you know. And I'm about to eat and I go, let me double check on this. I said, does this look like mold to you? She goes, yeah, that's mold. It's green. I said, are you sure it's green? I thought it was white. And then I looked closer. There's little specks of green around the white.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to turn the tint up on reality.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was so disappointed.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, exactly. I just did this. I just. You did put some butter on some bread. And then, and then I smelled it. I was like, wait. Such a disappointment. It's so the pre bred human. It's a very unique human. There's no state like, I'm about to eat bread.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, you're ready for that bread.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you have to tell yourself, can't smoke.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're not gonna have it.

[Pete Holmes]

And it goes like, isn't cheese mold? And you're like, we can't.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know. I did the same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

That is mold.

[Kevin Nealon]

If there's more on cheese, you go, well, that's, that's part of that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kind of part of the experience.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I used to think that, I thought, you know, if, okay, this bread, this piece has mold on it. The rest is good. And I could eat that. And then my friend told me what's. Oh, there's spores floating around in that bag.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, but I would never go by the expiration date on something. I would look at it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, if there's like white. Those white hot dog rolls, they Last forever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This sounds like, you know how Trump, when he's at his speeches, he just kind of goes off on these things. Like, I don't go by expiration date, expiry 10, 12, 1 2, 9 0. I use my eyes. They cheer. I use my eyes. I smell it. I put on the butter. You should be a speechwriter to me.

[Kevin Nealon]

You do that too, don't you, Timmy?

[Pete Holmes]

He does.

[Kevin Nealon]

He doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Timmy, have you ever met Trump?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I've worked with him before on snl, he Mother's Day special. What? The Mother's Day special. He came on and he's in some of the scenes. What year? I don't know, 1985. Like a while ago. No, no, no, no, no. 19. Like 90. Okay, 92, something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

So young Trump.

[Kevin Nealon]

A younger Trump. Yeah. And, yeah, he was fine. It was nice. I think he did a scene with my mother.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And then I also interviewed him in the back of a Mercedes that he had by the tower there. That was for some piece I was doing. So I'm in the back with him, and he's going, this Mercedes, it's 4 inches wider than any other Mercedes. It's 4 inches wider. You know, he was, like, pointing out everything that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These bun warmers, 12 degrees. Kevin, I know you. I know you love.

[Kevin Nealon]

So I'm at SNL like, like a year or two later, and he's there doing another thing because he would go there once in a while, and then he passed me. I said, hey, hey, Trump. I call him Trump. Hey, Trump. And he goes, hey, how's your mother doing? And when somebody asks you that, it's like you forgive them for everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, How'd you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like Tom Cruise level. How's your mom?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he remembers, I met your mom. I did a scene with her. How is she?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But on the other hand, I go to the after party for the. I think it was one of the reunions, like the 40th reunion SNL. And we're at the Plaza Hotel, and there's a lot of celebrities coming down the hall. And then he's coming down with Melania, and he sees me. I go, trump. And he sees me. This is before he was present. Yeah, he sees me and he sees my wife. He goes, neal, and you did all right for yourself. You did all right. It just offended my wife so much. No. Oh, she thought that was so. So.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you were like, oh.

[Kevin Nealon]

And like, oh, I got her trophy wife here, you know? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. Parks and Rec.

[Kevin Nealon]

He said, yeah, love a park lover wreck.

[Pete Holmes]

And he just kept walking.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. God, what a great person for so many people to do an impersonation of. Everybody goes, he does a good Trump. He does a good job. He's like, oh, so and so. Does a good Trump. Yeah, he's got the best trump. We all knew it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Everybody does it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Beautiful trump. Little thin buddy, you know, he does a good trump.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like that trump to gain a little weight. Neck weight. Close it line.

[Kevin Nealon]

What is it when somebody loses a lot of weight? They don't look right.

[Pete Holmes]

Ozemp face.

[Kevin Nealon]

This before Ozemp face. Oh, really? This was like their heads. Heads can't lose weight.

[Pete Holmes]

Acknowledging the existence of Ozemp face.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a thing. Yeah, yeah, sure. The heads don't lose weight.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you gotta dial it in. Weight loss is a thing. Ozemp or otherwise.

[Kevin Nealon]

You gotta start at the top.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you gotta figure out when does my head to body ratio.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Start to get goofy. I got real serious about weight loss at one point.

[Kevin Nealon]

You used to be really fat.

[Pete Holmes]

What fun. You used to be really fat, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

You were a fat pig. Were you?

[Pete Holmes]

You were a fat pig. What was that like?

[Kevin Nealon]

Tell me, tell me about that.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me about all the things you used to cram into your gullet, but you were heavier.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now that you mention it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I went up to 285.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shut up.

[Pete Holmes]

Something like that. Crazy. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Emotionally emotional. Why?

[Pete Holmes]

It was booze.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you were a big drinker.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Kevin Nealon]

You used to be a really horrible alcoholic.

[Pete Holmes]

Terrible is. I don't think people would know because I was one of those drunks that would go home and drink at home.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you would at night?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes during the day.

[Kevin Nealon]

Night started at nine in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you sober up for your set and then you go do it and then you get drunk again.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I never had a drinking problem, but I will tell you, I will tell you a lot of things today. I love like any 22, 23 year old. Not any, but I like to drink on the weekends. You know, some buddies, you know, I have a couple shots at home and then we go out to club or whatever. And the weekends always started Friday night. But then all of a sudden they bled into. Thursday became part of the week and then Monday, that weekend got bigger and bigger.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then at a point, a certain point, I thought, you know, I don't really need the drink. I'm not really good for hangovers and stuff. It's not worth it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a little. I. I realize that somehow I've become the guy that's like. I don't want to say against it, but I am the old guy that's like, you sure you want to? It's going to fuck up your sleep score.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you. But were you a big enough drinker where you had to get help for it?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't get professional help. No. I read a book that I recommend all the time. It's called this Naked Mind by Annie Griffin. And it's one of those, like, quit smoking books.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was a really great book. I listened to it and I just made a lot of sense. My problem is also what's great about me is that I'm a very abundant person. I'm like, if we're gonna do it, let's do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Alcohol and things like that don't work well.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you read a lot of self help books?

[Pete Holmes]

I did.

[Kevin Nealon]

When are those gonna start kicking in?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. Why San Francisco? It's so funny. I go, I still like a little self help. You ever met Tony Robbins?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah?

[Pete Holmes]

What was that like?

[Kevin Nealon]

I met him, Kevin.

[Pete Holmes]

Then he ate you.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love how you do an impression after anybody you mentioned.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'll try it. I'll try it. I met him somewhere. I met him, but then I was in South Beach, Miami, walking along that strip there. And I'm going by a restaurant, they got an outdoor patio, and he's there and he sees me and he's with this woman and he informs me they just got married and they're so happy. They're so happy. And he goes, would you take some pictures of us? No. So I was taking videos and pictures of them and they were really happy.

[Pete Holmes]

That happened.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good thing Kevin Nealon was there. Good thing Kevin Nealon was there. We're so glad. I love Torow. Torow changed my life.

[Kevin Nealon]

I listened to a lot of his tapes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's very motivating.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he is. And every time he gets me, I'm like, damn it. Because I'll go in being like, shut up. And then I'll be like, damn it.

[Kevin Nealon]

You don't go to the actual meetings, do you?

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do that much jumping and clapping. I'm not.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's. Yeah, yeah. You can't walk on the coals. That's when I started losing But I.

[Pete Holmes]

Want everyone to leave.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'll do clo. I'll do the calls behind a curtain. But that's when I started, you know? Well, maybe this is getting out of hand a little bit. Walking on the coals.

[Pete Holmes]

I need VIP calls.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll walk on a Dion Cole.

[Kevin Nealon]

Kenneth Cole. You know, I think I could walk on Kohl's. But it's got to be a really long strip that starts off cold. Like black briquettes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then get a little hotter. Just like putting your hand on a hot plate. Ease into it.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife said the funniest thing about Toh Ro. She was like, for some reason, the word victory just says nothing for me. And I was like, I love you so much. She's just not it. She's not about it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Victory is really about beating somebody down.

[Pete Holmes]

It can be, isn't it? Or it can be about challenging yourself to a place you've never been. Kevin, what are you afraid of?

[Kevin Nealon]

Who's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Like Alex Jones? Hillary Clinton. We're done.

[Kevin Nealon]

We feel good.

[Pete Holmes]

We're done.

[Kevin Nealon]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want you to know.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank God. Finally. This is a lot of fun. This was a lot of fun. I really am a big fan of that.

[Pete Holmes]

And your special comes out on January 27th.

[Kevin Nealon]

By the way, I used to love.

[Pete Holmes]

Doing that 100 pound gorilla.

[Kevin Nealon]

You did it last time last year on the show. Just remembering you came here. Talk at the same time. Oh, it's very funny, man. People hate that.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Kevin Nealon]

When you mirror their, like a half a second behind what they're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Smallest chasm. Susan.

[Pete Holmes]

Surprising.

[Kevin Nealon]

Surprisingly sexual.

[Pete Holmes]

Surprisingly sexual.

[Kevin Nealon]

Susan Sarandon.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for doing it. January 27th.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And what was the other thing you said? Kevanealinart.com and you come see me in the good light.

[Kevin Nealon]

Come see me in the good light on Apple tv.

[Pete Holmes]

Will you paint me like one of your French girls? I will.

[Kevin Nealon]

But will you go home and watch on Apple tv, Come see me in a good light? And you will not be sad about it. It's not horrible. They have two. No, you like it. And then also hiking with Kevin, which you did on YouTube.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, that drone. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

People always comment on the drone. Well, you.

[Pete Holmes]

You looked happier than I've ever seen you when you set up that drone.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I knew you were a dad.

[Pete Holmes]

You were like, look at my drone. It was like, you're cigar.

[Kevin Nealon]

The shots look great, man. But I was hiking with Jonathan Banks from Breaking Bad. The older guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, the guy that plays Mike Mike. Yeah, Mike and I took the drone out, and he could care less about it. He's looking out at the scenery, and then we start doing it. Then half hour later, I put my bag down, taking the drone. I goes, not with the effing drone again.

[Pete Holmes]

Good, good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Not with the effing drone.

[Pete Holmes]

Not with the effing drone again. That was very good. That's your best impression. You can close.

[Kevin Nealon]

Strong.

[Pete Holmes]

The Hawaii story is I did a corporate show, and I was going out and they wanted me to do 15. Then there'd be 30 minutes of an award show. 15. 30 minutes of award show. 15. 30 minutes an award show. 15.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, who else has done this? And they owe Kevin Nealon.

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Great comforter. Really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, was on Maui.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Was it the Don Ho award show? I don't know what it was.

[Pete Holmes]

What was it?

[Kevin Nealon]

The Don Ho? No, I think that was like an engineering kind of a thing. A lot of names you read off.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was rough.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was rough.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing's funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

And why didn't they have me come back?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was one of those ones where you can't do it twice.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Rough.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, no, I.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thanks for having me on here.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever do a show? Sorry, last point. Ever do show. And it's like a not ideal corporate gig in Hawaii.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know that's a bad thing to complain about because on one hand, it's such a privilege, but I take great comfort going like, well, Kevin did it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Always I'm like, I can do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not. Not. I can do what you do. But I'm like, he's here. I'm not alone. It's like, you're there with me. I ate shit. Of course, there were waves lapping up on the beach, and I'm. They just did 30 minutes of awards and I'm back. It's got to be clean.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm like, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

See, a guy like you makes me feel like, oh, I could do a new hour of material. Then you do that, and you're like, nothing I've ever said has ever been remotely funny. So thanks for being here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thanks for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it crispy. Would you say it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it fried? No, you have to keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it crispy, baby. Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it as Trump.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Now do it as Mike from Breaking Bad.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it crispy. Keep it crispy. It's the same as Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it crispy. It's Trump.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep it crispy. Keep it.

[Pete Holmes]

Walter, Walter.

[Kevin Nealon]

Walter.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, thank you.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe Make Life Suck Less with Fewer Ads With Lemonada Premium, are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.