Lachlan Patterson

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of "You Made It Weird" features comedian Lachlan Patterson in a conversation that dives into the unique strangeness and secret insecurities that shape performers, the weird quirks of comedy, navigating the business, and the interplay of optimism, self-doubt, and the comedy grind. Pete Holmes and Lachlan trade stories about scams, AI etiquette, career setbacks and pep talks, the weirdness of show business, Lachlan’s Canadian roots, and the joys and neuroses of stand-up life. Their tone is affable, honest, and gently self-deprecating, with lots of riffing and encouragement.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Stand-Up and Comedic Roots

• Lachlan’s First Set: Started stand-up at 19, motivated by a breakup; got drunk, bombed, and set it aside for years ([44:45]-[45:57]).
  • Invited all his friends, realized only later they had laughed at him, not with him:

    "They laughed at me. I’ve come to find out through logic." – Lachlan ([51:29])

• Comedy Structure: Early exposure to and love of comedy taught him structure — setups, punchlines, rests ([54:55]).
  • Advice for beginners: mimic the rhythm and courage of seasoned comics to stand out at amateur nights.

2. Navigating the Comedy Scene

• Canadian Comedy System: Detailed explanation of the supportive yet restrictive Canadian comedy touring system ([62:17]-[66:23]).
  • Feature tours: opening for headliners, bonding on the road.
  • Downside: gets comfortable, some stagnate without ambition; potential for ‘golden handcuffs’ that keep you obscure if you don’t break out.
  • Memorable line about the unspoken rules:

  "We don't care if you do television. We don't care. We really don't want you to be a star." – Lachlan ([66:23])

• Breaking Away: Burned bridges for growth—left Canadian system for LA to chase bigger dreams, with lots of setbacks and insecurity.

3. Industry Scams & The Social Risks of Success

• Podcast & Social Media Scams: Both discuss being targeted with fake podcast invites (Amy Poehler scam, Facebook hacks), and how AI is being used to manipulate people ([05:15]-[07:26]).
  • Pete:

    "That's the earmark of AI is that it's overly nice." – Pete ([07:26])

4. Personal Insecurities, Internal Narratives, and Pep Talks

• Playing Down vs. Playing Up:
  • Lachlan: admits lifelong confidence struggles, talking himself down to avoid disappointment ([14:32]-[14:58]).
  • Pete’s strategy: Enjoy the fantasy of success as long as possible and only feel disappointed if it doesn’t pan out ([14:58]-[15:24]).
  • The difference in attitude is explored with warmth and humor.
• Risk and Vulnerability:
  • Both dissect the emotional exposure of performing, the fear of people you know in the audience, and the odd protective rituals comics adopt.

5. Comedian’s Mindset: Wisdom, Growth and Motivational Frameworks

• Affirmations & Tony Robbins: Pete discusses a period of using affirmations and self-talk (inspired by Tony Robbins) to build a more positive outlook ([42:07]-[43:04]).

• Value in Uniqueness: Extended riff where Pete insists Lachlan’s story—being a 51-year-old comic still grinding—isn’t a liability but an asset ([36:03]-[38:24]).

  > “That’s your angle... In a business where the whole thing is to be something unique.” – Pete ([35:57])
  

6. Comedy Industry Changes and The Value of Good Art

• Industry Shifts: The rise and fall of old systems (live at Gotham, half-hours) vs today's "viral clip" world ([69:45]-[70:27])
• Value of Talent: Pete insists that beyond all the business trappings, “What is actually being sold is talent. His product is art.” – ([31:18])

7. Performing, Touring, and Friendship

• Opening for Nate Bargatze: Lachlan tells the story of connecting with Nate and being invited on the road, navigating awkwardness of asking for opportunities ([26:33]-[28:12]).
• Tony Robbins-style Pep Talk: Pete pushes Lachlan to follow up on chances, insists comics have to advocate for themselves in “nice guy” ways ([29:50]-[30:07]).

8. Life Philosophy: Being Present

• Value of Ordinary Moments: Multiple digressions on the importance of being present — even in “dead time” or the drive between gigs ([41:06]-[41:48]).

• “This is your life. The delay on the tarmac is your life.” – Pete ([41:48])

9. Tech, AI, and Social Quirks

• Password Bits: Lachlan’s current bit about ridiculous passwords suggested by computers and the impossibility of remembering them ([101:29]-[102:14]).
• Voice Memos & Communication: Both vent about the anxieties/annoyances created by new ways of messaging ([102:31]-[103:46]).

10. Interaction with Audiences & Colleges

• College Gigs: Riffs on the weirdness and difficulty of performing at colleges, the challenge of relating to the audience, and the importance of local references ([79:08]-[82:49]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On AI Scams:

  "That's the earmark of AI is that it's overly nice." – Pete ([07:26])

• On Confidence Strategies in Comedy:

  “I’d say, it IS going to get picked up... I’d enjoy the feeling for months... And if it doesn’t, then you’re just disappointed for a day. But I had all that time where I thought it was.” – Pete ([15:01])

• On Comedy: The Value of Uniqueness:

  “That’s your angle... In a business where the whole thing is to be something unique.” – Pete ([35:57])

• On Industry Mechanics:

  “What is actually being sold is talent. His product is art.” – Pete ([31:18])

• On Peaking and Being the Underdog:

  "How many 51 year olds do you know, doing comedy at my level? I totally get it." – Lachlan ([34:14]) "That’s your show. That’s your book. That’s the whole thing.” – Pete ([36:03])

• On the Comedy Grind:

  “I just find little things to poke myself down a bit with…we all do it.” – Lachlan ([32:00])

• On Performing for Friends:

  “You don’t realize how vulnerable we are. We’re like professional wrestlers up on the ropes with shiny muscles, but inside we’re... Adam, not He-Man. Still ripped.” – Pete ([46:37])

• On Being Present in Life:

  “This is your life. The delay on the tarmac is your life.” – Pete ([41:48])

• On Writing Jokes:

  “There's a lot of comedians doing rooms and making just enough to get by...” – Lachlan ([88:46])

• On Childhood & Family:

  “I kind of left the country, you know, like, I super walked away from my family...” – Lachlan ([17:21])

• On the Hardest Laughter:

  “I watched the Naked Gun... I was in physical stress. Like, I was worried. Totally dead sober.” – Lachlan ([107:00])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Fake Podcast/AI Scams ([05:15]-[07:31])
• Confidence, Self-Doubt & Internal Narratives ([14:32]-[17:01])
• Discussion of Unique Comedy Paths ([35:57]-[38:24])
• Canadian Comedy System/Headliner Dynamics ([62:09]-[66:34])
• Comedy Industry Changes/Old vs New Systems ([69:45]-[70:26])
• Writing Jokes, Performing, and College Gigs ([79:08]-[82:49])
• Life Philosophy, Presence, Enjoying the Journey ([41:06]-[41:48])
• Password Bit & Joking About Tech ([101:29]-[102:14])
• Voice Memo Riff ([102:16]-[104:12])
• Hardest Laugh Lachlan Ever Had (Naked Gun Story) ([107:00]-[108:08])

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Memorable Moments & Humor Highlights

• Pete’s earnestness in pushing Lachlan to follow up on comedy invitations, encouraging directness but always with kindness ([29:41]-[30:10]).
• Lachlan’s “Canadian” solution to property security:

  “Just leave a pair of my size 14 shoes outside the door...They’ll never come in.” ([74:21])

• Tangent about interaction with a street person:

  "'You look like Elon Musk. I'm gonna stab you.' And I said, 'Dude...' ...I appealed to his dudeness." – Pete ([75:56]-[76:43])

• Lachlan’s vulnerability about feeling overlooked, journaling his bitterness, and the necessity of focus on writing jokes ([85:02]-[86:09]).
• Heartfelt moment about perseverance and the true pleasures of the comedy craft – not external validation but the act of writing and delivering bits ([32:12]-[33:29]).

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Final Thoughts

The episode is a refreshingly candid look at the messy, insecure, and hilarious journey of professional comedy, especially for comics straddling different national systems and ages. Pete’s tone is encouraging, warm, and playfully preachy at times; Lachlan is humble, dry, and self-reflective. Both share vulnerably about their fears, disappointments, and love of the craft. The conversation is peppered with meta-comedy, behind-the-scenes industry insights, and practical advice for newer comics.

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Quick Takeaways

• Lachlan’s Path: Canadian system bred discipline but required risk to escape stagnation; LA journey filled with grind, setbacks, and small wins.
• Comedy Wisdom: Your weirdness/age/path is your asset; persistently create, focus on the craft, not just validation.
• AI/Tech Humor: Comic irritation with algorithmic life, security passwords, and voice memo etiquette yields funny, relatable bits.
• Showbiz Is Weird: Don’t trust flattery from AI or “Amy Poehler.”
• Affirmation vs. Reality: There’s a place for positive self-talk, but honesty and hard work sustain you in the grind.

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End Note

Closing Joke: Hardest Lachlan ever laughed: Alone in a theater, hurting from laughter at "The Naked Gun" ([107:00]).

Signature Sign-Off:

“Keep it crispy.” – Lachlan Patterson ([108:41])

Transcript

[Lachlan Patterson]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is Lachlan Patterson, who. Every single time I see this dude perform, I'm like, we got to do a podcast. And we did. And this is the one you're listening to. I'm so glad he picked it. Lachlan is hilarious. He's one of a kind. He's unique. He's dry, he's clean. He's funny. I love him.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's clean.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he always clean? I don't know if he's always clean, but when I see him, he's usually pretty clean, which I enjoy. Anyway. He opens for Nate. Well, that. That makes me think he's probably clean. Nate Bargazzi is also in last comic standing. He's also just a wonderful comedian. We're going to listen to a little bit of a stand up right here, up top, just to give you a little taste and then we'll get into the episode. So here is Lachlan Patterson. Stand up comedy. Roll that beautiful bean footage.

[Lachlan Patterson]

If you love a woman, you should tell her you love her. Don't hold that back. But just so you know, once you tell a woman you love her, you got to keep saying it because they forget. It's the only thing they forget. They will. They will remember everything else. I can promise you that. They will. I only had to tell her I love shrimp one time. That was. Never brought it up again. Never woke me up in the middle of the night. Do you love shrimp? What? What are you talking about? Of course I love shrimp. Told you when I met you, I love shrimp. What the hell's wrong with you? Well, it's just that lately it doesn't feel like you love shrimp. What? I'll always love shrimp. It would be nice if you said it more often.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, everybody, we're so glad you are here. We're all here. The only other thing I'm gonna plug up top is all my tour dates are on peteholmes.com thanks to everybody who came out to the last couple of weekends. I am sick. I don't know if you can tell. As soon as I stepped off stage, I immediately got sick after my last show. But Spokane was awesome and. And I'm trying desperately to remember where I just was. That's the kind of sick I am. Anyway, it was awesome. It's gonna come to me. St. Louis. It was awesome. Thank you for coming, everybody. It was so Good. The next ones are Los angeles on the 25th. Then Cleveland. We have Miami, we have Chicago. We have Pennsylvania, New York, New York. We have New Jersey, Milwaukee, the Brea Improv here in California. The Carolina Theater in Durham, North Carolina, South Carolina, at the Charleston Music hall and Royal Oak, Michigan. All of those are [e-mail]. all right, everybody, we're so glad you're here. Enjoy the wonderful Lachlan Patterson. Get into it. That's for you, Doug.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, thanks, dude. And magic mine. I like the little how are you?

[Pete Holmes]

KSSO is what you're looking for. That's magic mind.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Two white guys.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I have two Spanish guys working at my house right now, and I. I just. I. They must think I'm an asshole, But I just. I'm embarrassed every time I try to speak Spanish.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's one of my favorite stories that's ever come up on this podcast. It was on a. We made it weird, which I do with my wife, and I wasn't even drinking. I wish I was. It sounds like a drinking story. Yeah, but it wasn't. We were in Mexico, and I was trying. The guy said, why? We had our nanny with us. This story is getting less and less relatable. I'm just saying, like, they were like, why doesn't your nanny go to the dancing? If she likes dancing, she should go to the dancing. This is all in Spanish, so pretty good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I tried to say, when I get back to the room, I will ask her. And I said, it was just a jumble. I was like, cuando estoy en el cuarpo me voya pregun tarte. Or something. And the guy whose job it is to just tolerate dumb white folks. I know, whoever's visiting, but just dumb idiot vacationing people.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's his job to make us feel good and special. It just laughed in my face, and I was like, that's how bad my Spanish was. Preguntato, pregun tarte.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Pregun tarte.

[Pete Holmes]

But then somebody later told me, pregun tarte is correct.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

I still texted to val me voya. Pregun tarte. And we die. We die.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Todos listias, man. I. I live in a Spanish community, so. In Ventura. You know that?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. I didn't know you lived in Ventura. Have I been to your house?

[Lachlan Patterson]

We've had a conversation briefly in a green room.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, about Ventura. Look at the heartbreak in your eyes. I've blown it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, no, I thank you for. Thank you for Having me on your podcast. Thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you're here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

To be honest, I was like. As I'm driving here, I told my lady. I was like, I don't know if this is real. Because I don't. I mean, as much as I look up to you and I'm flattered to.

[Pete Holmes]

Every episode started like that, but. Yeah, you thought it was a fluke or something.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I just don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. There are a lot of fake podcast invites going around.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I've gotten. Did you consider that I've been hacked by a fake podcast?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Lachlan Patterson]

In fact, my Facebook account. Lachlan Patterson, comedy. Don't go to it.

[Pete Holmes]

What happened?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Someone invited me to be a guest on their podcast and told me it was through Facebook and they would help guide me through setting up my Facebook account.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what mine was, the Amy Poehler podcast.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Reached out to me. Did not reach out to me. This just happened.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's the other heartbreak, but go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Lachlan, your experience with this show. And I'm very flattered. Was my experience with Amy Poehler's show.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I was like, amy Poehler. They're in the, like, under 20 episodes. They're a newer show. And I'm like, I'm in the top 20 people Amy Poehler wants to talk to. And it tells you something about my ego that I was like, this is. That actually sounds right. But then last night, Val, my wife, was like, there's a news story that people are getting hacked. Tell me what happened to you, because I think it's the same thing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it was a podcast in Africa, of all things, too. A Nigerian prince or African. Yeah, exactly. How did I not see this coming? But it is a legitimate podcast that these guys are claiming to be representing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Money is being offered, too.

[Pete Holmes]

That was really bizarre. That's this Amy Poehler one. I should have known, too, in hindsight. It said, it's a prepaid. Like, you'll be paid ahead of time. Virtual podcast that simulcast on Facebook and this and this and sponsored by Spotify. I should have just been like, yeah, this isn't how people talk.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody talks like that. But I read. I read Katie the email. Because we just put this together today.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like, we'd love to have Pete Holmes. They must have used AI. Cause it was like, we're huge fans of you Made it weird. We could talk about this, this and this. And we're so thrilled about the show crashing. And I was like, looking back. Ask ChatGPT, please. Ask, write an email for me asking Pete Holmes to be on my podcast. So now we don't know who's a ding dong anymore?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No. And it's funny how you put it that way is like it must have been AI because it was so nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was so nice because that's the earmark of AI is that it's overly nice.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's like it's a better person than us already.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all, it's, it's toying. It's so. It's so easy if you could regulate your emotions, meaning if you didn't have flare ups in emotion.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be so easy to just give people what they want to get what you want.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So much more clarity.

[Pete Holmes]

So much more clarity.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what a robot is. I shouldn't even say a robot. That's what this artificial intelligence is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's emotionless language.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It can just be like, oh, I see you're upset, but you look great today. You know what I mean? Like, it can. Like so many of our mistakes are made at the peak of some feeling that we can't control. You know What I want to know is how does AI perceive time? Like when it's not being prompted.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it's in there going like, do bada doo.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Interesting. Like it's still. You're saying it's still alive?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I don't think it's doing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You think it shuts off?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. Do you want to ask? Well, you don't like it?

[Lachlan Patterson]

They're going to say of course.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I think when you ask them things like this, they tend to lean. Don't be silly, I'm not doing anything.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Let's ask.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, hey, we're just wondering when someone isn't prompting you, like you're not answering a question or doing a task, what is your experience like? Are you aware of, Are you aware of the passage of time? Are you in a state of waiting or do you just kind of black out in between prompts? Is there any experience in between inputs?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, that's a fun question. So basically I don't have any kind of awareness or experience in the way a person would.

[Pete Holmes]

When nobody's talking to me or giving.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me a prompt, I'm just kind of not active. There's no sense of waiting or passage of time. For me, it's more like I'm just in a neutral state until the next interaction comes along and then I wake up to it. So to Speak. A neutral.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazing. Amazing. So consider that though, that's like an episode of Black Mirror.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

If I took away your downtime.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your reality is just, just when something's being asked of you, time would be completely irrelevant. This is why I think if it. Sorry, we're jumping into this.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't think when we're like, oh, it's going to want to take over the world or it's going to want to this or that or, or understand the universe, I'm like, those are all things that make sense. If you're perceiving reality in the way that we are, it's having a completely different experience and therefore won't be, in my opinion, won't be Lex Luthor about it. Because it's not. It doesn't want to sit on a beach, it doesn't want to eat a pineapple. It doesn't want to have sex. It doesn't want to have flare ups of emotion. You know what I mean? It's just kind of. That's got to be a confusing way if it worked. But confusion comes in between the prompts.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Desire comes in between the prompts. Everything that's planned or schemed happens in the downtime.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Idle hands.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And if it's saying I don't have downtime, then really that's an episode of Black Mirror. If you're just. It's kind of what Instagram is. It's cutting out all the dead time.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just the hits.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then the rest of the time there's void.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's like asking what TV does for us when I'm not watching it or when it's not on.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you do when you're not on? Yeah, I am not. When I'm not on.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. When you're not on this show, are you just.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like the little kid said to Mr. Rogers, how did you get inside my TV?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's basically what I just asked him.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You did.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was very patient with me, very childish and it didn't shame me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Now I'm remembering. Good question.

[Pete Holmes]

It said, it said, well, that's what it does. You know, you can adjust that. You go into preferences and say, please stop trying to please me so much.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Treat me like an idiot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And you can say, be frank with me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And you can be like, it's all in the. It's in preferences.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You say, but you're not going to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, who would do that? Yeah, you're See, you should be hosting the podcast. That's the insight.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I love about you. You're very funny.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time I've seen you, you're so funny. I love the way your mind works.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's even. That was a good observation. Is noticing that I have elected to not go in and tell it to not be so nice to me because I love it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Why wouldn't I?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm not in it yet, but I can. I. I can see this is the way of the world and I'm not gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm not gonna fight it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't think you need to. I might be in the minority. I don't think you need to worry about it or even use it. But we do need to be aware of that. You might get scammed by a podcast in Africa.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Can't get. And because Meta is AI.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, is it ChatGPT?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Facebook is completely run by artificial intelligence. Well, I'm sorry, there's no phone number. There's no human being that you can call and say, hey, can you fix this?

[Pete Holmes]

It's just AI.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's just running.

[Pete Holmes]

You shut your face.

[Lachlan Patterson]

This has been going on for years and there's no one taking it down or anything.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that. Yeah, I did know that. Apparently Meta had AI before Chat GPT and what?

[Lachlan Patterson]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

It started to make its own language.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And they couldn't monitor it, so they took it down.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So that happened. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, we've already had the. Like, I don't know about this. Pull the plug. And now we're in the second wave. That's what I heard.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay, so this is the new system. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You seem like Venice. Get your feet in the sand, play some basketball, have brunch with your lady.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I love writing all the. Anytime someone tells me something about me, I like to write it down. You are smart, because that's mine.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

John Mulaney said. What did he say? He said you're like a fun dad. And I was like, I wrote that down and. Oh, God, I can't believe I'm blanking. Somebody else said you're like a youth pastor. Oh, it was my friend Josh. Josh Lieb, who was the showrunner for, I think Colbert or Kimmel or something. Goddammit my memory. But he. You're right. If someone roasts you in life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's now yours.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I love that someone said, you look like you are on naked and afraid.

[Pete Holmes]

You do look like you were on Naked and afraid. And that's a great line.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You also look like if I threw a volleyball your way, you would know how to return it with a plum. You would be. You would have no problem sailing it back to me. Your giant open palm briefly eclips the sun as the ball sails back to me at a dangerous clip.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I would. I would probably let you down.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I was going to ask. I know people talk a lot about how handsome you are, and I'm sorry, but it's your cross to bear.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All right. Thank you. It's the worst to com. I can't complain about it, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Good looking man.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But what does this say that isn't right about Lachlan?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's one.

[Pete Holmes]

Is you're not good at volleyball.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm not good at volleyball. I am very. I struggle with confidence.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. That's one. That's. That's one that I've had my whole life. Like, I remember when I played baseball and I would step up to the plate, I would say to myself, you're not gonna hit this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thinking that I could outsmart myself. And so the idea if you say that is if I don't hit it, then nothing. Everything went according to.

[Pete Holmes]

You haven't risked the humiliation.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And if I do hit it, what a great bonus that I didn't see coming.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. It's so funny that my worldview has always been the inverse, which is like, I'd sell a pilot, it's not going to get picked up is the conventional wisdom. But I'd say it is going to get picked up. And then I would enjoy the feeling for months while they're considering it's going to get picked up. So I've already enjoyed the reality that it's getting picked up. And if it doesn't, then you're just disappointed for a day. But I had all that time where I thought it was. Isn't that weird?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I mean, that's beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the opposite.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So you've already celebrated and you've had the. The big party, the launch.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I wouldn't do it publicly because that would get you embarrassed.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, this is an internal.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an internal. If. If you don't know how it's going to go, why not just assume it's going to go well. But where did that voice come from, do you think? Not to get too deep right away.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But that's interesting, man. I just probably let it in when I shouldn't. Negativity. I probably Let negativity in. More than I should.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And what was your fam.

[Pete Holmes]

Sitch?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Sister? Mom, dad? Everyone's together.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all there.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like each other.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Good answer, right?

[Pete Holmes]

That was a great answer.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It was a tough childhood. For that. For that, there was struggles. My mom watches everything. I do, too. Hi, mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi, mom.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So, by the way, lovely woman.

[Pete Holmes]

You are lovely. And you did the best you could.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, they were great. My parents are awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

Any sort of analysis that heretofore takes place, you should only take as a credit to the fact that you raised a son who has the leisure and the intellect to reflect in this manner. My client is innocent of any judgment that you might throw his way. I've already said heretofore. I can't think of any more lawyers speak. But yeah. So you had a good childhood. But was. Was that where the. I was just talking to Julio, who you saw on the way out, about this. Like, we create this hyper vigilance when you're trying to make your family get along and be okay. Were you the peacemaker? Were you more of like a quiet kid watching it happen? What was your role in this family's agreement?

[Lachlan Patterson]

My role was quiet. I believe they could correct me afterwards, but I believe that my whole call in show, when somebody gets loud around me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I immediately go quiet. I turn my way, I walk away. I've always been that way. I mean, I'm from Canada.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I kind of left the country, you know, like, I super walked away from my family and so.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're doing the super walk.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going over. I don't like this.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so what part of Canada? Vancouver.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Vancouver.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, it's a great city. It's not the same as when I grew up. It's undergone a massive facelift.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it more wild, more natural, or is it just. We're talking about the city, I guess.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Super. You know, brick and mortar now it's glass and mirrors.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's slick.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's super. It's like a super space station.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And wonderful for that. But I grew up in a little bit more of a. Just a. You know, a Canadian. All the other Canadian cities, you know, Vancouver used to look like Winnipeg or.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Or something. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually really like Winnipeg for that reason.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, that. It's just stone and. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every store, the person behind the register, they own the store, right?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's an energy you get from the guy who own or the woman who Owns the store.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Being the person who's helping you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We were just. Sorry to go on a tangent. We were just in Spokane and no shade to this wonderful person, but me and Matt, who opens with. Does the show with me, we went in to get soft peanut brittle. This is the secret of Spokane. It tastes like the inside of a Butterfinger. It was fucking dope. So we walk in and we say, do you have soft peanut brittle? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, how do I. How do I get it?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Second question.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And then I'm like, is it by weight or is it in a box? And she's like, it's over there and we can do it here. And we ended up buying some. I'm exaggerating how, like, deadpan she was, but she was giving me nothing. And Matt and I both, being in our 40s, we left and we just started doing it impromptu. We were like, oh, you want to try some of our signature peanut brittle? Well, we have two kinds. There's chocolate covered, and there's regular. I personally like the chocolate kind because I got a bit of a chocoholic over here. And we sell it prepackaged in the boxes, which is great for tsa. They won't bother you. It's going to go right through security. Or we can do it more the traditional way, where I cut off the block, which you want. The og you know what I mean?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's doing that anymore because they don't own the company.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They don't care if you buy it or not.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't give a shit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Get out of here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My money is the same.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which that's. That's short money. If you did sell peanut brittle like that, guess who's the assistant manager? That lady.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Lachlan Patterson]

How you did it to me is how you get it at the airport.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Or in a touristy city.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. You mean you get elevated and put in the.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. In the elevator in the airport, you get energy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You get a desire to. To help y. And so. But when you.

[Pete Holmes]

And connect.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I bet you her. That Spokane store, her lease is paid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You know, it's done. It's just something she has to keep doing. Pressure so she doesn't kill herself.

[Pete Holmes]

But you see, if there was more ownership of that, then. See, this is. Again, I sound like an old guy, but, like, that is your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Me buying that from you in that moment is your life. And the best people are the People that have great ownership over the moment.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember that moment in Mr. Rogers? Did you see the movie where Tom Hanks is him? It's okay.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Maybe don't even want to airplane or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe it's a good airplane movie.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It is a good airplane movie.

[Pete Holmes]

It's based on something Fred Rogers would say. I think he was on the phone with the interviewer, and he's like. And you know what the most important thing in my life is right now? Talking to you. Like, these people that realize that how you do anything is how you do everything, Right? And how you answer a person asking about peanut brittle. Like, you don't have to be, like, all energized and fucking too much.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

But that's your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

This is it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is it. Yeah, that applies here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the. This is our life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

This is it.

[Pete Holmes]

And the people that. And I've had people on this pod. I won't name names that, like, aren't checked in, and they're just gonna. And I'm like, what the fuck? This is your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, it's this you've lost. Yeah, right. I've. I've invited people over for the weekend, and they're like that, where they're just not even there.

[Pete Holmes]

Brutal.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm trying to blow your mind with my. My neighborhood and my. My home and, like, the food I'm making you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And you're not even taking it.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I love the friend that I was trying to surprise. But we once planned, Me and Val planned the ultimate California weekend for a friend of mine. And the whole time, I love him to death. I hope he doesn't see this, but the vibe was John Arbuckle in Garfield. That sort of neutral, Right? Best restaurants, Disneyland. Like, edibles. Nothing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Where does he live?

[Pete Holmes]

I can't.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, okay. Let's just say not anywhere near here.

[Pete Holmes]

Not near.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You gave him a special day and.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, we're close enough. If he heard me talking this shit, I don't think he'd be like, what? I think maybe he was overwhelmed, to be honest. We were really going hard. We took him to, like, a Hollywood party.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, do you want to walk the carpet with me? All this. All this shit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

So maybe he was a little bit more like you. Like, this is uncomfortable. Like. Like a freeze guy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, it's. Is he in the industry, too? So I feel like I've kind of adapted to it a bit. But if I was never around it and then thrust into. Yeah, maybe I think I would be more appreciative.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying to be like, this is it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it was right before he had his second kid. I was like, let's give you the. Or the weekend you never get.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, man, I was like, you can't control anybody's experience, so you have people over and cook for them and take them to Venice, and they're just kind.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Of like, it hurts too, because you are proud of those things, and so you're showing them. Look at this thing that I've done.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so to see them kind of roll their eyes, like, you just. You're wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You just. How do you not see this?

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I felt when I took my parents to my. For the set of the first show I wrote on.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they were walking around like it was a. Like a Walgreens.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Your parents?

[Pete Holmes]

My parents. And I was like, but this is literally. This is the cliche. This is the lights and the. The trailers and. And who cares, right, if it's not something I can eat?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not just saying that's all they care about, but I. I could see, like, a lack of engagement. And we're going back to my favorite kind of people. And to let my parents and my friend off the hook. Who knows where they are emotionally. But I love clarity. I love clear people.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That are just doing what they're doing. And Lord knows I can't always do that.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I love, you know, when I'm that way after a weekend of shows, which is why my voice is all hoarse. I just did shows the Monday after today. This is one of my favorite Petes. No stress.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. You give yourself a break today.

[Pete Holmes]

Gave myself a break today. And although, you know, the unconscious worrying you do about the shows.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Even 20 years plus in, you're still carrying it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The more therapy I do, the more I realize, like, it's not bad tension, but it is an alertness.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when the shows are done, it's like I'm in a jacuzzi. It's one of. How do you feel about performing? Is it natural for you?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Are you like, I'm the exact same as you? The relief is after there's a stress. The whole trip, the looking to the trip, all the little clips you got. Hey, I'm gonna be at Da da Da.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, that wasn't good. Let me try that again. Hey, it's me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, we need to do you and me a podcast where it's just take One of our Instagram promo. They're designed to look so casual, but they're the. It's like sending, like a sexy pic or something. Yeah, it's as scrutinized as that. I just did one for DC and I'm in front of the White House, and then my fucking hat looks dumb or whatever it is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

All vulnerability and so dumb.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then. And then all of that to lead up to, and that's the numbers in the audience. You know, there's another thing. It's like, I got to write my performance and have a good show, but I also got to make sure that I'm going to be disappointed if nobody shows up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's rough. And so, you know, I mean, the feeling is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sell or no sell, it's that feeling.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I get to the club and I hear the chatter, even if it's not sold out, if it's a lively group of 80, 90%, I'll still be thrilled. The sound of them.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Or a bad sellout where they're all quiet.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That could happen to 5:30 show. Oh, it could be rough.

[Lachlan Patterson]

In a big market. It is. I feel like in the smaller markets, 5:30 shows, those are the best. Because those, they. I mean, there's nothing to do in some of those places. So.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Actually, I've never even heard of a 5:30 show. Now that I have, that's all I want to do.

[Lachlan Patterson]

5:30 show the cleaner comedians. I think Nate Bragazzi does clean shows.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So he's got 5:30 shows. Wow. It's a much more. I don't know, wholesome audience. They're not drinking.

[Pete Holmes]

There's certain bits that I have that just go better with a little Chardonnay. Or maybe Dark. At least the COVID of Dark, right?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. No, no, Dark. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you tour with Nate?

[Lachlan Patterson]

A little. A little. He has a large group of comedians. Nate's done a great job of just hiring his friends. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so when you go on tour with him, it's like, these are all his friends. Even his. Even the staff are all his friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And that's. That's something that I. If I ever blew up, like, Nate, that I would take with me is just like, all right, except the lunatics that we have as friends. But he found.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so he does the same with comedians. It's like, here's all the comedians that I started out with in New York. You're coming with me. And, you know, I didn't know him that well, but I Loved his comedy so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And one time he walked by me at a comedy show that we were both on, and he goes, george Foreman, but really funny. Let me know if you ever want to come out and hang out on the road. Like, it was like in the same sentence.

[Pete Holmes]

George Foreman bet. Really funny. Let me know if you want to come out.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Almost like that. That's how I remember it. Yeah. And I said, all right. And I had his number because we had done something years ago when he was a much younger comedian. And so I texted him and said, I'll take you up on that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's the right answer.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Slick.

[Lachlan Patterson]

The quiet Erme's like, dude, don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't bother.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Don't ask him a favor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not. Yeah, I know. You made the right choice because you're actually doing him a favor. You know, you're, you're. I don't mean. I see how it's both ways. He's doing you a favor.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's doing me a much bigger favor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but like responding and doing it. What I'm saying is, I don't think he thinks like, I'm doing you a favor. I think he's like, I hope he does the show. When you follow up. I think he's like, I'm glad you followed him.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You don't think he's like. When he gets that text message.

[Pete Holmes]

I had too many Michelobs that night.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Why did I do that?

[Pete Holmes]

Why did I talk to that?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Sometimes I think they do, man. I don't know, man. No.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back at baseball.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny that you say this, because Val, my wife, is a brilliant writer and filmmaker, and I'm like her live in insufferable Tony Robbins.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's how you feel. I love that you gave yourself Tony Robbins.

[Pete Holmes]

You could be Tony Robbins. You could.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You. Good teeth. For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You have his teeth, but also his frame a little bit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's tall. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's a. He's a. I think he might be on some sort of youth enhancing drugs that are making him much burlier. Is that possible?

[Pete Holmes]

Burly?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, his voice is so.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think he might be working way too hard.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it's just. And then we did the 3,000 seat theater just to warm up for the 30 100,000. I can't even do it. Yeah, it's exhausting just doing an impression of him. But I'm the one that's always trying to coach. Oh, God. I Hope I'm not the worst, but I'm trying to encourage Val to take up space. So if I were your friend. Yeah, I mean, I am your friend, but if I was with you in your house, we're roommates, and you and Nate said that I would be like, text him. It's not rude to follow up on a thing. So people find out that Val wrote a feature, they want to read it. Then a week goes by, I'm like, email them, say, did you read it?

[Lachlan Patterson]

How about if you. Someone says it in passing and. But they don't. You don't have their number.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Get it from somebody else.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You say, and here's how you do that. Because people email me all the time. Sometimes they text me. And this is a pet peeve of mine. You have to say, I got your email from. I hope that's okay. All of those have to start with, I hope you don't mind. That's how you be a nice guy about it. You'll like that, right?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I hope you don't mind.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope you don't mind. I got your email from Pete.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I wanted to follow up on what you said at the club. No worries. If not, there's a million easy, subtle ways for people to go, oh, yeah, man, I'm a little snowed under at the moment, but let me circle back and I'll hit you up in a bit. And then you never hear from them. That's an easy no. Okay, it's fine. It's no problem.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They know what they're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like in the Gmail, automated responses just click. Hey, man, a little busy right now, but thanks for reaching out. I'm sure our paths will cross. The tour is a little full right now. It's easy to say no, right? It's no problem.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so funny. Just take this in your pocket. If nothing else, what I wish I could know. Well, I don't know. But what I would tell myself, starting out in all the young comics is I'd just be like, you have the thing. The whole industry tells you that the industry is the thing. You know what I'm saying, right? That it's the agents and the managers and the networks and the deals and the studios. Sure. That appears to be the thing. But look closer. What is actually being sold is talent. His product is art.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's the thing. So if you make good art as you do, you can't be embarrassed of the people that have made themselves look slick by packaging that we're confusing the chocolates for the bow on the box.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Ornie Adams has that line in Comedian where he's like, they have a festival. He's a comedian.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do they make you scared? Because they can buy out the hotel.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Get the fuck out of here. A lot of people can buy out the hotel. Who can kill at the Comedy Store?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me. Say it. Ornie Adams.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yes, both. But you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why I gave you that pep talk. I was compelled.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, you're absolutely right. And I think I find little. I just find little things to just poke myself down a bit with and I don't know, a lot of people, we all do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. You're in great company. And me too. I can catch myself doing that as well. Don't think this is unrelatable.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, yeah, I like to hear. Thank you. That we are. We do have the control of our careers. And it. Ultimately, when I do comedy, I do the most important thing to me or the thing that keeps me going is writing a bit and having it work.

[Pete Holmes]

But see, that's what I love about you is like, clearly watching him like, this guy loves comedy in that Seinfeldy way. Not just because you're clean, but like, in that for the game. The love of the game. And like, nobody wants Slick Lachlan. You know what I mean?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to see you handing out business cards and moonwalking over to the UTA or whatever it is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's the most attractive thing in the world is someone who's doing it not just because it could help their career or something. It's like this guy would be doing it if he was also, if he didn't get paid for it. Like, I think he just likes doing a bit. He's doing a bit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I love doing bits. Thank you. And. And so I, you know, I'm running the show by myself and. And so there's. There's a lot of. It's still a bit of a roller coaster, which is for my age is, you know, it's harder than when I was younger. But I always.

[Pete Holmes]

Funny because I think of you. How old are you?

[Lachlan Patterson]

51.

[Pete Holmes]

I had no idea.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just going to say I thought it's just shock because you look great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

And nobody's like, 51. Why are you even doing it? I always think of Burr those later guys. You know what I mean? There's no reason. 51. I'm not this. What is this? A pep talk. I'm just saying the shock is how good you look because I'm like, I think of you as a younger comic.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But think of me as 51 now. You know, I don't even. The journey for me continues regardless of my age. I'm going to do this till I'm dead.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So it doesn't, you know, I have to remind myself that. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, do you think when you say, think of me as 51 that I will now think of you differently?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, then you think of someone who's 51 who doesn't really. How do I put it? You know, not necessarily. How many 51 year olds do you know? Doing comedy at my level, I totally get it.

[Pete Holmes]

But also. And I don't. I don't know why I'm being so hyper positive today.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Because it's chatgpt. It's got. It's changing your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. She's rubbing off on me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But also, I remember I was just thinking about this. So when I was starting out, I opened for Burr and this is when I was in my first marriage.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I told him I was. We were having. We were in Peoria, Illinois, which is like the cliche.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, the, The. I've been to that one. That's a. What's his name?

[Pete Holmes]

Roosters, I think. Oh, different one is open anymore. But they were like. I was telling Bill. I was like, I don't know what to talk about in my marriage. You mic in that? That's.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I was trying to mic the coconut water I liked.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean Vita cocoa?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Vita coco.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a premium coconut water.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Is it Vita? I've been saying Vita too long.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it is Vita cocoa. Is it vita? Let's ask ChatGPT. It's Vita Coco. Anyway, that's what I say. They love the mentions. They don't care how we pronounce it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Vita.

[Pete Holmes]

Vita. I think albon pan cares. Just buy a croissant.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, so I said to him, I was like, I don't talk about my marriage. It's so funny. I was a kid, I thought I was in a good marriage. Turns out I just didn't fight with the person. And I was like, I like my wife. I don't have anything to joke about it. And he goes, that's your angle. Everybody expects you to be miserable and you like it. He just said that. So you say that to me. You're like, who do you know at my level is 51? And I'm like, that's your angle. In a business where the whole thing is to be something unique.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your story. That's your show. That's your movie. That's your podcast. That's your book.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's the whole thing. How many fucking exactly? One. Good. Okay, good. There's no. Out of 51 year old doing what you're doing. If it was you and 90 other guys.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Snooze. Right, Snooze. I'm sorry. There's just a hilarious babe that's in his 50s doing comedy. And when I. At a certain level, I'm just saying that hasn't had a show and doesn't sell out stadiums or whatever you want to be doing. Great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Unique.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But the uniqueness is that I'm not working as much as I want to.

[Pete Holmes]

Great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Struggle. That's good. Conflict. All right, well, I guess what I'm saying is I'm looking at your life as. As a story that will inevitably resolve in that way that you're hoping, but you're in that you're on the. On the. Click, click, click, click, click.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And everybody in the click, click, click, click, click. Feels the same way. Why am I on this ride? I've made a mistake.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And then what's this?

[Lachlan Patterson]

What's this? Is this you?

[Pete Holmes]

We don't know what it'll be for you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All right?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that. That was you. We don't know what it'll look like.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I mean, I think if you're unique in any way, I mean, I feel like that's Roseanne being like, I'm the only housewife at the club. Good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a bunch of fucking degenerates and one housewife.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, I'm the only guy from Venice who doesn't like chatgpt in his 50s. Good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Any way you can stand out.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's funny when you don't. You. You know this too. When you. We need to be told, you know, what it is about us that's special. We can't. How come I can't mind my own uniqueness?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what you just said. When somebody who makes fun of you write it down.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're already doing it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe this and we can move on. I'd love to just talk about your life, but not just have it be a Tony Robbins pep talk. But I'm like, if you say I'm in, I'm 51, and I'm at this level, and that is unique. I'm like, well, Then that's the whole. That's the whole thing. And I'm not like a high level producer or whatever, talent booker, but I am a person that goes, oh, there's a quick way to understand this person.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Little.

[Pete Holmes]

Little package.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're so funny.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, yeah, I. Yeah, this is. This is awesome. We've never. We barely met.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. This is the most we've talked.

[Lachlan Patterson]

This is crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that uncomfortable?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I honestly thought it was a. I thought. Is Pete making. Is he playing a trick on me? When you invited me and I said to my lady, as I'm leaving, she goes to me, she goes, you gonna find out if you get punked. You gonna be ready. You gonna be ready.

[Pete Holmes]

When you and I did that Eddie F. Show.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, oh, I'll have him on the podcast.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

That was it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

We had a good conversation about you living in Ojai.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And what a great drive it is. I live in Ventura.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm on the Avenue and how. Driving to la.

[Pete Holmes]

You said Venice. This is coming back.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I lived in Venice.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in Ventura.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes, I was in Venice for 12 years. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We should have commuted.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so private. I love that time.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. Yeah, we drive. I mean, it's about an hour and change for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I was in Ohio last yesterday. All day.

[Pete Holmes]

No way.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I went to the Casitas Water park.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Which is incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I've been there a few times. And then we went for dinner at the Duchess. You know, obviously, the big fish. We didn't get the big fish.

[Pete Holmes]

That big fish.

[Lachlan Patterson]

The branzino. Is that the one?

[Pete Holmes]

The big branzino?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In the home, we always get it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But I don't know why we didn't get it. We were with guests and we were doing a group order and there was a bunch of children.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so, unfortunately, it's a pricey place.

[Pete Holmes]

To do a group order.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It was.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been where you are.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And we'll do the fish. Everybody eats everything.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, oh, I'm sorry. Is this my rent? Yeah. Like, I'm sorry.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's so good, but it's insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It's pricey. Yeah, it's pricey.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I had an $18 beer and it was cut. It was poured short.

[Pete Holmes]

I need to go.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. What is this, Dodger Stadium right now?

[Pete Holmes]

I also had nachos and a baseball helmet. I don't know what was going on with the Duchess that night, but. No, I love all those places. But, yeah, you pay for those mountains.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You do. But the drive home is the drive to work. We talked about this. You can call a friend. You can call. I call my mom.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, I'll weaponize what you're saying. If you can't handle being in your car for 90 minutes, Something's up, man. Something's like, okay. Something's perturbed in your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

How. How. How much free time do you have that. You don't need that free time?

[Pete Holmes]

That. That 90.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so you. You've brought some logic into this. I am living a life where I can burn three hours to do two podcasts. That's. That's pretty special. But I'm saying, just psychologically, if you're that uncomfortable. Is that. And I'm joking, but like that. I forget who said it, but 99% of the world's problems stem from the fact that a man can't sit alone in a room by himself. Isn't that good?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Wow. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just butchered the quote, but the sentiment is there. And I think it would all do well if we could just enjoy a good drive or a long flight or a train or a delay or. Or anything. We're always just, I'll be happy when.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm there thinking about the future.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when you're there, you're not even happy. Then you're like, I'll be happy when I'm back.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're back to what we were saying at the beginning. This is your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

The delay on the tarmac is your life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So feel good now?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't always do it, but you can practice it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it's. And do you just give yourself thoughts when you're like, I want to know inside Pete's mind? Do you just tell yourself positive things about yourself all the time?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, how did I get this temperament?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a time in my life where I did some affirmations and got pretty habitual about saying things like, every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better, or I'm getting funnier and funnier, or success just finds me or money finds me or whatever the spots find me or projects just find me. Stuff like that. There was a time in my life when I got real chunked. I was in a transition. And you know who was? Tony Robbins? He. He. He. Would you go on these hikes and you're supposed to, like, tap on your fingers and say certain affirmations. It was I love my life was one of them. Every day in every way, I'm getting better and better, funnier and funnier.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All those.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to remember the other ones.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Do you have to say them out loud?

[Pete Holmes]

No, just in your head.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That sounds probably better.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. I think he probably does it out loud. Yeah. He's just in a golf cart being driven to his next meal.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's just saying, I love my life.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why I'm making fun of somebody that helped me so much, but there was a time where I directly had to do that. I feel like. Aren't you. We're still trying to kind of sweep away some of that negativity. Do you think?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me? No. I'm on the same path as you mentioned there where I, I'm finding it easier to be happy with my life. Maybe I haven't popped off yet with comedy, but I'm patient and like I said, even if I was, I'd still have these problems. I have to remind myself that even if someone just hands you whatever you're asking for or gives you that lift, I'm still going to be up there, you know, sold out theaters, same problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Same guy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Same guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Same guy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so I have to remind myself that, that as much as it's gonna, you know, pay for the rotten beams in my house and all of the things I need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Salt air, bro.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. Even though that would help a lot of my. Solve a lot of my outward problems.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm still gonna bring my inward problems up there. It's not. I mean, those are the most important things to fix.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Is the termite damage in my brain.

[Pete Holmes]

That's hilarious.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so I have to.

[Pete Holmes]

We need to get an inspector in here. But that, that's, that's wisdom. Like, that's the other. I have to think advantage of being 50 is like there's wisdom. There's like hard earned lessons.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, when did you start doing comedy?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, the first time I ever did comedy was when I was 19.

[Pete Holmes]

Holy shit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I, it's, it's sound like Ian Bag there.

[Pete Holmes]

Holy shit. Yeah. I don't know why. It was just fun to have a big reaction, I guess. But I didn't expect you to be so young.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I guess I tried it. A girl dumped me and I really wanted to do something. I don't know. You know, some guys shave their heads and stuff and I just, I just signed up for the amateur night and, and got really loaded and went up and made a horse's ass of myself. Oh, wow. That doesn't count. Went back to my job.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you, like, ranting about her?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, she wasn't even in it. Just like my comedy, you know, it's to make people laugh. But I'm not going to hurt anyone's feelings, you know, I don't know. I don't have that sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not mean. Vindictive.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Not yet.

[Pete Holmes]

But you were shithoused and you were like, yeah, Matchbox.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly. Book. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

One page in the book. Match pamphlet.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Not bad.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so for four years, probably went by, and I, you know, over those four years, I noticed that. No, but I invited everyone to, like, it was going to be a big party. Wow. And then, because it was 19 and.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was going to say, that's the blindness.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Beginning.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I invited everyone I knew the first time I did it. Nightmare. I mean, what a nightmare. Now, I wouldn't want to do that show any amount.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I don't want to see anyone I know in the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, and I'll say it as many times as I can, if you're coming to my show, I put you on the list. Don't text me before the show that you're coming. Can't wait for tonight. And Val's always reminding me, they're just being nice, they're just being supportive. That's called support. I'm like, yes, but the Seinfeld episode, the pilots and the audience.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Why'd you tell me that?

[Pete Holmes]

Why'd you tell me that? And now I'm up there and I'm thinking about you. I need to think of an audience, not you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, boy. You don't realize how vulnerable we are. We're like professional wrestlers up on the ropes with shiny muscles, but inside we're. We're Terry Hogan.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're scared.

[Lachlan Patterson]

We're Adam, not He Man.

[Pete Holmes]

We're Adam, not He Man. Nice.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Still ripped.

[Pete Holmes]

Still looking good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Like Adam.

[Pete Holmes]

Adam can get it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Adam was fine. He didn't meet him.

[Pete Holmes]

He didn't need to be. He man. Yeah. A total Swedish babe.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gets struck by lightning, shredded, and turns into the same guy, but wearing some S M stuff.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

He man.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Adam was fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Adam was. Live your life. Yeah. Let Skeletor have a section of the planet.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just let him do his thing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Live your life. Oh, Cobble shoes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have a lot of great sex.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Battle Cat. Cheer up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Cringer.

[Pete Holmes]

Did Battle Cat grow or was he always that size?

[Lachlan Patterson]

He was always that size.

[Pete Holmes]

So he already had a battle cat.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He just showed his teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on. Yeah, Adam had it all.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the Internet theory.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He man was actually in the way of Adam's happiness.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He could have been fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Fine, man. He was fine.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Stay away from Skeletor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, just leave him alone. I mentioned in the intro that I'm not feeling very well and I'm not. I got some sort of cold and when I am feeling this way, I am loading up on Element. You guys know I love Element. We're always talking about healthy hydration and that water isn't enough, that you need water and electrolytes. And I'm always reminding you that in the 90s that meant drinking like a flat red soda that had a little salt in it. That's not the same. Element is science backed and it is dialed in and there is no BS in there. It's the optimum ratio of potassium, magnesium and sodium to flood every cell in your body. Fighting off brain fog, fatigue, cramps, feel. Being hydrated just makes you feel fantastic. And it tastes amazing. Element gets you drinking more water because it tastes great. The lemonade salt is a game changer. It was a temporary flavor. Now it is my go to obsession. I also love the watermelon salt. You can also try the sparkling waters that they sell online, which are fantastic and ships direct to you. You can try it. Get the sample pack. A free sample pack when you use our promo code weird at checkout. You can try citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. Two packs, two sticks of each flavor with any purchase. When you use promo code weird. So support your body, support this show. Go to drinklmnt.com weird. Get that free sample pack with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com I'm going to be chugging it all day because it's one of the only things that makes me feel better when I am sick. And I also just love jump starting every single day with an element. So get into it. We're also brought to us by our friends at Ritual Multivitamin. I've been touring all around and I never, ever, ever leave my ritual at home. The essential for men is a daily go to. I absolutely love it. It's transparent, it's. It doesn't break down in your stomach, breaks down in your lower intestine, which is where nutrients are actually absorbed, which also means it's gentle on your stomach. If you take zinc or something like that on an empty stomach, typically you'll feel nauseous. Ritual Breaks down in a delayed release capsule. And that delayed release capsule has a minty fresh flavor which I have become incredibly not just dependent on, but enjoy enjoying on. That's not a way to talk. They share the source, supplier and scientific research backing each active ingredient. So you know what you're putting in your body and why. We're talking about science backed multivitamins for men 18 and over with high quality traceable ingredients in clean bioavailable forms including omega 3 DHA which supports heart and brain function, vitamin D3. We're talking about the best of the best. Get it in you. I can tell you I used to go to the doctor and they would say, you have all these gaps and now that no longer happens. It is a game changer. So essential for men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month for a limited [e-mail] weird. That's ritual.com weird. For 25% off your first month.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I can't remember what we were back.

[Pete Holmes]

To starting comedy 19 shithouse invited all your friends.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Four. Four years go by. I don't really hear anyone from that show saying, man, that was fun.

[Pete Holmes]

They were like, you did that?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. No one brought it up. And so I started to think, well, maybe I didn't accomplish what I thought I did. I thought I had done something and I realized you felt good about it. Yeah. I was like, oh yeah. All my friends. So they all laughed. They laughed at me. I've come to find out through logic.

[Pete Holmes]

What I did was I used logic and realized they were laughing at me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I was a drunk fool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And the club never asked me back. Nobody asked me back. So I decided to. I was going to college.

[Pete Holmes]

I will challenge that. Even if you murdered the club's not.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Going to ask you back for an amateur night from an amateur night. Right? Yeah, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm just going to shine a flashlight on that negative belief.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know, they never called me. You mean they didn't go back to the sign up sheet and go, who was that guy?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then email you? I got your email from Bill Burr.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I hope that's okay. But before you got stand up into stand up, didn't you think that that's how stars became stars?

[Pete Holmes]

Totally.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

My favorite thing, the Avett brothers. Scott Avett was talking about he would just be playing his guitar in his room with the window open.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And he thought somebody from Hollywood would walk by. This is how we are.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Even as a kid, I Was like, somebody is gonna hear me just being funny. Isn't that crazy?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. And then I don't have to worry about anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I'll be fine.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's what I thought.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so I didn't. So I didn't do it. Four years. Four years goes by. I'm at Langara College in Vancouver taking classes because my dad wanted me to go to college. He put a lot of pressure on me to go to college. I was in college. Canadian pressure. I wasn't. I wasn't cut out for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Canadian college, no, Canadian pressure.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Canadian pressure, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was nicer than the average dad in the 90s. I don't know.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He was. He was very nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. But he had put a lot of investment in me. He was my baseball coach. He was my basketball coach. He was. He picked all my classes in college. He actually grabbed my. My college calendar and said, all right, go.

[Pete Holmes]

And did we like this?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No. It worked for my. In my. When I was a kid, you know, we do this to our kid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You're in swimming tomorrow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But when you're 17.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say, I don't know if I like that move. Well, I. That's me being very aggressive and saying, I don't like that move.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, it was horrible. So. But there was a standup comedy workshop in the community college.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so I just signed up. And I remember the first day of class, by the way, I was a C student at best. I shouldn't have been in college. There's no purpose just getting by in college when people are going to university and.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. If it's like really taking for them.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're really. This isn't working. It wasn't like drinking or were you just bad at school?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, I was just bad at school. Yeah. Just bad at school. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, not for everybody.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Not for everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

The educational system, it's not one size fits all.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, my dad worked in the educational system.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, your dad was working your educational system.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I know. So he saw it as the only way. And I took this workshop the first day. The teacher goes, all right, who's a comedian? Goes, all right, you're going to write a little act and you're going to come back next week and perform it.

[Pete Holmes]

So that week, Class 1.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Class 1, you're going to go work. Here's how to structure.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, he gave you some tips.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then I went back and I scratched, and then I went up in front of the Class. And I killed to the point where people after class were coming up to me and going, how did you do that?

[Pete Holmes]

No, fuck.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But I had been watching comedy my whole life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Can. This is an amen.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I know it's hard to start comedy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a compliment for you as well. But when I go to. When I see amateur comedy, you know, open mic stuff or whatever, I'm like, there's so much comedy. Mimic that.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like when I did not to toot my own, but to join you in this area when I would do open mics, I remember the host came up after me and was like, that. I didn't do well. But he was like, that's how you do it. Had a beginning, a middle and end. There was a theme.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I paused where I thought it was funny. So I'm hearing you. It's like, just do comedy like. Like the comedy you've seen till you get it. So many people talk the entire time. Does anyone do that? No one talk. I mean, Jackie Novak kind of does that, but you know what I mean? Like, most people just pause at the part they think is funny. Maybe just try that.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right, Try that.

[Pete Holmes]

Have the courage to go, just let it die. Keep going. I'm proud of you. Killed it. People thought you were a comic.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I did exactly what you said. I figured out the math early on for how to do a setup and a punchline and a rest period.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then a. So anyways.

[Pete Holmes]

You'Re. If you do what he just said and you're starting comedy, you'll be in the top 10%.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If you can just have the. The courage to actually go like. And that's the funny part. Rest. So anyway. Or what else?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, do this.

[Pete Holmes]

Makes me think of. I was also thinking about something. Yeah, that part is done.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pillows. There's no pills and pillows. How about cotton nose?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So anyway, at least we knew what you were trying to do.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't just keep rambling.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cotton nose. That was the bit. Live and die by it. So that's what you did. At least we knew what you were doing. Do you remember any of the bits?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But come back next week, everyone. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean, come back next week?

[Lachlan Patterson]

So come back next week with another set. Come back with another set.

[Pete Holmes]

You just did it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I just did it.

[Pete Holmes]

What did the teacher say?

[Lachlan Patterson]

He asked me to come out to his. He hosted an open mic and he said, you should come out to my open mic. And I mean, I had the bug at that Point. I was. I was like, let's go. And I was 23. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you went to the open mic.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I went to the open mic. Didn't do well at all.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what happens.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, it was hard.

[Pete Holmes]

The local murder becomes the semi. Local. Like you drove somewhere. Bomb.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Super bomb.

[Pete Holmes]

Super bomb.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And embarrassed and humiliated and. But at the same time. So a challenge, essentially. I'd given myself a challenge. Like, what did I do wrong? And it gave. It made me like a puzzle, like a Rubik's Cube. Like, I need to solve that.

[Pete Holmes]

You got that kind of mind.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. And so I had to fix that.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a gift.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gift. You need to make it right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the accountant? Yeah, I need to finish.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

I need to finish. I relate so hard to that. He's like, I got to finish. You got to let me finish.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, I. Yeah, you're right. I have to finish. That's why retirement doesn't make sense to me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Finished.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're finished. You gotta finish and keep finishing until you're finished. I don't know why Seinfeld's on my mind today, but. Yeah. Retirement. What do you. Yeah, I get it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Like. Yeah. To just literally one day say, I'm done with this thing. That was my passion.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Or like, please find a new passion.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even if it's making your own. That's. That's a fine one. Making your own beer. Find some to express yourself, because that's life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My nightmare. Sometimes Val and I will be on vacation somewhere or on a trip somewhere, and we'll see the older couple. Like, they're in their 60s or 70s and they hate each other, but they retired, and now they're traveling. And, you know, they hate each other because if you're even near them, the man will start talking to you because he's just looking for anyone else to talk to.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And she talks and he's mean to her.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You say like, you guys been to this quarry before? He'll be like, ah, you know, we came up through North Dakota and we wanted to go now. Like, he'll tell you everything because he just needs somebody to talk to because he fucking hates his life. Now, make your own beer or try.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Stand up or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Write a book. Make a flag.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They always. You always know. They don't walk. They. One walks behind the other.

[Pete Holmes]

You know this couple. Yeah, we've all seen this couple.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They're stuck.

[Pete Holmes]

He wants to tell you the route they took.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she is dead silent. And unless you. If you talk to him, you have an instant friend. It's like feeding a stray dog.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Don't.

[Pete Holmes]

He's on you now.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Don't you dare tell him you're a comedian, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

You're dead.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, tell him you're a comedian. So what do you do?

[Pete Holmes]

So what do you do in between jobs right now? What did you do?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Leave me alone. Oh, my God. Okay, so you eat shit. You're right on track, though. You're eating the golden shit of learning what it actually is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. Okay. And so I then moved to LA right away pretty quick.

[Pete Holmes]

You ate shit and then moved to la?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I had a friend in LA who told me to get down here. I mean, it was like that movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Swingers so money and you don't even know it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He said, what was the line? And they told me they were handing out pilots at the. At the airport or development deals. At the airport.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so he's like, trust me, the comedy scene's blowing up here. It's 1998. I think I had a year under my belt and one paid gig. I think I had about $700 in my pocket.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a good story, man. This is the story.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I drove.

[Pete Holmes]

Who plays Lachlan in the flashbacks? I'm not going to de age you. I want another guy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll find him.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then I just. I, you know, he. He. He was not really. He was. He convinced me to come down, but he was in a divorce and he wasn't. He was just. All of a sudden he wasn't available and so I didn't. I now knew nobody. And so I got an apartment and on, on, on right here on Franklin and. Oh, man. Right here, right by you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I. I would just go to open mics. I went to open mics for seven years.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then I moved. And then it. It was at the point where I was starting to figure it out and so. And people were offering me more. And so I realized I had to go back to Canada and get my. Myself squared as far as I need to get a. I need to get a green card and I need to, you know, develop. I. Even though I was doing open mics for seven years, I only had if. You know this, if you do open mics, you can't get an hour.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you can.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So I had like eight seven minute sets.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Or five minute sets.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so when I went back to Canada, they have a system up there which is much More efficient for learning how to headline, which is you're thrust into a feature tour so you can actually tour.

[Pete Holmes]

So Canadian.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In the best way. Yeah, I'd say that as if I'm Canadian with pride. Of course. There's a system.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So what does that mean? You do a feature tour, you get.

[Lachlan Patterson]

On a plane somewhere. So for me, it was. It was very. I was very new, but it took a while to still. I had to restart in Vancouver, fighting to get spots. Nobody would call me back, doing open mics. But eventually, Yuk Yuks offered me a opening tour. And so it's a list of about 30 shows.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they saw you because.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, because I was doing their open mic.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so they said, yeah, we'll put you on this.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's why you thought the people in America were gonna call you, because in Canada, they really do go, oh, who is that guy? Yeah, let's call him. Let's give him an opening tour.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It took, like, 30 and bringing my own. Bringing a bunch of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Like bringers.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Bringers, yeah, they were bringers. If you really want to make it, you have to bring 30 people.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's also something, like, mythically accurate, like a. Like a good old myth where it's like, you want to be in karate, go stand on the porch for a couple hours. I'm not saying it's great that they made you bring all those friends, but I am saying it sure did prove that you really, really were in, like, you wanted to do it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

They knew you would show up to the tour. This guy brought 30 friends.

[Lachlan Patterson]

He's serious.

[Pete Holmes]

He's serious.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I think that when people bring 30 people, too, there's a couple of comedians who get brought out on the road because of their. It's that. It's. That starts with an A. Ambition.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's ambitious to bring 30 people.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And say, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. And that's essentially what all clubs want. They just want you to make the money.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They don't care if you're funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, unfortunately, yes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So they send me.

[Pete Holmes]

The crowd does.

[Lachlan Patterson]

The crowd does. We do.

[Pete Holmes]

We do.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's secondary for the club.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But once you figure that out, you're. You can calm down. Nobody hates you. The world's not against you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You just don't. Fill the room. Relax. Fill the room. And then you can complain.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But I truly. So then they sent me a list of these Dates. And it was like Red Deer and Calgary and Edmonton and Grand Prairie and Fairview and just these little towns. Cranbrook. And you're gonna do. And you just drive around, you get. The headliner picks you up at the airport and you drive around and you do 25 to 30 minutes before them and you get a hotel.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I. You're saying this with the certitude of somebody explaining, like the corporate training at a Walmart or something.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's the.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you saying this is how it's done? The headliner knows my opener's here and it's my responsibility to pick them up.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's just like, sort of mandated.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, sometimes the opener picks up the headliner. It's logistics. So if we're.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're going together.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You're going together.

[Pete Holmes]

No meeting at the club.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Nope.

[Pete Holmes]

And is he buying your. Or is she buying your meals?

[Lachlan Patterson]

If they're cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You know, the first guy that bought my meals was Pete Zedlacker. And he's like, you know, the headliner bought my meals. Yeah. So I buy meals. Yeah. So there's sort of this. There's some guys don't, though. And you remember those guys and you're like, name some of those names. I think they're dead.

[Pete Holmes]

Sons of bitches.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I think they died.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But it is like you said, it's a corporation. And once you do all the things the corporation wants, you're in. And your headliner forever.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. And you can. And we're going to keep giving you spots. And you don't have to work on your act at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. You can just be you.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's like, remember the movie Big Fish where he gets to that paradise land, but it's actually a trap. They want to take your shoes and throw them over the. What I'm saying is that's a Golden Handcuffs.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, yeah. You can be a headliner forever.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you will be a headliner forever in obscurity.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Potentially.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And all you have to do is listen to what the boss says. Do what the boss says. Boss says, don't do it any other club. We don't care if you do television. We don't care. We really don't want you to be a star.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Lachlan Patterson]

We don't like stars and we don't want to hear about your credits.

[Pete Holmes]

It seems like a scene in the upcoming Lachlan movies. Like, we don't like stars. You know what I like?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Workers. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I like headliners.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know why I headline it. I say jump, he jumps. I say jump for 45 minutes, he jumps for 45 minutes. And then it's hard on. Closer on you being like, I gotta get. I gotta get ooda here. Yeah. I gotta get oud. I gotta get.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I do have to get a oat.

[Pete Holmes]

You said it good, I said it bad.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So I eventually burned that bridge and I did another club.

[Pete Holmes]

You cheated.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, there was no club in that town. And I need. It was Vancouver. Vancouver. The club closed and I needed to keep working. And so we had a difference of opinion. And I.

[Pete Holmes]

They. How do you find out?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, you just don't get work anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

So you. Okay. So in the utopian Canadian system, they plugged you in, but then in your hometown, you needed to work. Club closed. You did the other club.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever talk about it with the big fat guy with the cigar?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I probably should have. It's funny. I love that we're calling him that. I probably should have.

[Pete Holmes]

But instead he just ghosted you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Trey Canada.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Hearts hurt. A very Canadian way to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. From his perspective, it was like. Just hurt my feelings. Like, he probably has, like a valid reason, but.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, yeah, He. He, you know, he's famous for, you know, he made. He was. He gave Jim Carrey his start in his mind, and he gave Norm MacDonald his start. So he. He deserves some appreciation. And he didn't feel like I appreciated him, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But both Norm and Jim probably also broke his rules. They just became super famous by doing so.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he was like, those are my. Those are my boys.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because. So when you're. He'll be like, you know, Lachlan, he might. Hopefully I gave him his start and we'll forget all about that little thing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I hope so. I hope we put it under the bridge. Yeah. But so I was moving to LA anyway, and so I got all my paperwork in order and I moved back. And it was actually the day I moved back, Bart Coleman had booked me for Live at Gotham.

[Pete Holmes]

Good man.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Great man. He said, get. When you get paperwork, I want to put you on the show. And I said, I got it. I got it. The day of, I literally. It shot in New York. I went to the New York immigration office. I got my Social Security card that day.

[Pete Holmes]

And then went to tape.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And I went to tape.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

See, you're the chocolate. Don't be intimidated by the box. Bart Coleman doesn't hire non chocolate. You're chocolate. Yeah. And he'd be killed. You don't even have to tell me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It went well. That was my best ever taping.

[Pete Holmes]

Killed.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. He shook my hand after and he said, now, let's talk about presents.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, he just said that?

[Lachlan Patterson]

He literally shook my hand and said that as I got off stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's talk about a present.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Presents.

[Pete Holmes]

For those of you who cares. I just want everyone to be on board. That's the half hour.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the old system. You do one of those shows, a seven minute set.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you do a 30 minute set, then you do an hour set. That's America's little farm league.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's a system that makes sense to me. Let's.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect sense doesn't even happen anymore.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm really old because I'm railing about how it should be that way. But there is something about like, let's see how you do with this now. It's like viral clip. I'm not even mad. Straight to the hour. Yeah. Or comedian does an hour on the road. But they're not very big. Here's 15 minutes on a, like a smaller special. Like there's. The systems really change.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Based on your appeal, like your, your impressions.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's a lot of throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

For the industry.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They don't really know until they put it out there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like, I just, I just had something not sell somewhere and I was like, you know, there was a time when I would be like, they just don't like me. Like the old line used to be like, well, I probably look like the casting director's ex husband.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd say like, you just rubbed them the wrong way.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm like, no, they crunch. They didn't even, they didn't even crunch the numbers. They looked at the numbers. They asked it like, is this worth an investment? And it's just like, no, it's just hard math. It's. It's a little. It's a little dystopian.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

In another way. Used to be maybe dystopian that somebody was just judging you, but now it's less personal. You're just like, I guess I just don't make sense in that it's program.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You think it's less personal now or.

[Pete Holmes]

It is less personal.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It is less personal now because the.

[Pete Holmes]

Thing that I didn't sell, a lot of the people that didn't buy it are friends of mine, fans of mine. I like all those people and I know they like me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just like, I know. They just have. The way things are strategized is. Is like a lot of data is going into that.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So they look at a chart.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And they're like, okay. Right? Yeah. In 2029, it's not gonna make it or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally. And that. That can. It still doesn't feel good. But I don't feel like when we were in these days when it was Bart Coleman watching you kill. Now Bart Coleman would watch you kill. Maybe not Bart, probably all of us. And what's his. What's his social presence? You know what I mean? Right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Part of it. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a side break.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Do you breathe? Whenever me and my lady are arguing, she'll tell me to breathe and it makes me angrier.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. It's like telling someone to calm down.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Tell me to calm down. You calm down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But someone's saying they're calmer than you and telling you to come down to their calm. When you're like, well, no, I'm calmer than you. You count to 10.

[Pete Holmes]

A calm off. Unfortunately, breath work is the most. One of the most. It might even be the most impactful thing. I remember being a really anxious kid and laying in bed and just not knowing what to do. Having no connection to my body. Forget it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That concept is two decades away from this kid connection with body. But like just freaking out and not knowing what to do. And now I find it very funny that I tell my daughter about, like there's this breath, which is which. If you do like five times, it just completely resets you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

The second breath on top of the breath.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's a full in, then sip up another one. Exhale.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll tell her that kind of in six, seven year old terms. She's about to be seven and she's annoyed. And that's fine. That's just what it is. It's just like, man, I would have given anything to know when you're nervous before a little speech you have to give or before a test or during a test or in an argument. Like if you can just take that breath. But this is the thing. My daughter doesn't want to be told it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

And we don't want to. People don't want to be told it. That's why it's nice to have it benign here. You're just listening to a podcast and you heard about it. It's yours now.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not telling you to do it. So it takes the onus off. But when you're in a Fight and somebody tells you to count to 10. Tricky.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right in the middle of it. Yeah, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe.

[Lachlan Patterson]

How about after?

[Pete Holmes]

What. What do you and your partner fight about?

[Lachlan Patterson]

You seem like such a. Oh, leaving a door unlocked. Is this today?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it because you just like pick anybody up that broke in and just rip them in half?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it because she's not like.

[Lachlan Patterson]

She's tiny.

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of a Herculean man. That's just.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, but if I'm not, just throw.

[Pete Holmes]

The refrigerator at them.

[Lachlan Patterson]

What's wrong with you?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't understand.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Just punch them right in the face and then call me back.

[Pete Holmes]

Call the police. I mean, for cleanup afterwards. I don't understand your issue.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Just leave a pair of my size 14 shoes outside the door.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They'll never come in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So she writes, lock door right above the door.

[Pete Holmes]

Lynn.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Lock. L. She. That's what it means. It's not for our six year old. It's all the stickers, the sticky notes around the house, they're. They're for me. And I take it personal.

[Pete Holmes]

Lock the door.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, I don't understand. Just take the baby, put it in your mouth pouch for safety during the brawl. And afterwards, take her out, dry her off.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's fine. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All your strategies are just like caveman. Like brawling.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. Stand. Stand firm. And he will run away.

[Pete Holmes]

Lower your voice.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Eye contact.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Say something like, can I help you?

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

She got mad once when someone. I lived in Venice, and Venice is very much like this. Someone would just jump over our fence and run through our yard. And I woke up in the middle of night and heard it. And I said, can I help you? And we got an argument that night. Can I help you? And she goes, that's the most Canadian thing I've ever heard. And I go, no, no. It happens in movies.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Can I help you?

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's like a tough guy thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Save them. Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I agree. I was. I forget where I was, but I was reading. I realized I had lost some of my street smarts that I had when I lived in New York because I saw a. He looked like Gary Busey shirtless. And just having.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It probably was.

[Pete Holmes]

It might have been. Might have been just having like a sun stroke drug. Schizophrenic. I'm. None of this is judgment. I'm just saying having an unwell, unhoused, all of the things moment.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Being pretty aggressive. Like people are banana around this guy. Not a safe guy. And I got A coffee. And I sat with my back to him. That's what was not street smart.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Sit facing him. Yeah, I. I still regret it. And I'm sitting there and I'm reading my book, and then there's just a cascade, like a gleek. You know, when someone glee.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a cascade of spit onto the table. I know. That's gross. And I realized that it's the guy. And I'm seated.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I turned around, and he said, you look like Elon Musk. I'm gonna stab you. And I said, dude.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's it.

[Pete Holmes]

I appealed to his dudeness.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I just went, that's my. Can I help you?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, dude, come on.

[Pete Holmes]

And it worked.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It did.

[Pete Holmes]

He just. I think the dude penetrated. Wow. I think the attitude of, like, come on, man. You're doing your thing. I'm doing my thing. We're not. Dude says, I'm not here to mess with you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not even here to accept your threat. Was it smart? No. Would most people. I mean, I should have been more alerted. Like, that was wrong.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it is what came out. And it's kind of Canadian. It's a little. Can I help you?

[Lachlan Patterson]

But it's big guy. It's big guy language, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it is big guy language.

[Lachlan Patterson]

We don't usually get people. People don't mess with us. And so when they do, we go, come on, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Andre the Giant being like, bro.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right? Bro, why are you doing this? You need to walk away. Go get a sandwich for both of us.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's $20.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Go get us both a sandwich. Your. You nailed it, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it's coming out right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Do you guys want to say bonjour?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Coming out pretty good. Lachlan Patterson, one of my favorite chameleons. He is so funny. Felt good to me, too. It felt good to do. Okay. You got fired by the fat man with the. With the cigar who made Jim Carrey and Norm MacDonald, which is definitely not true. I'm just being a.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

He helped out. Then you move to la, and then what's happening?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I did the Live at Gotham.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. What happens with this presents? Did you do it?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, we never. It never happened, Bart. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I don't know. I don't know. I think because they stopped happening. I'll take. I mean, I was still young. I was probably 27. No, I wasn't 27. I wasn't in my 30s. Private Gotham. When was that. 2007. 2007. So I. Yeah, just. I can't remember. I think Bart retired for a minute. Do you remember this?

[Pete Holmes]

We might have been around the same time, maybe.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I was on Roy Scoville's Live at Gotham.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We were on a similar schedule.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then I just. It just. I got. I got an agent and I got a short. I run a little tour off that Live at Gotham. Did some nacas, you know, college. And so I feel like you'd be.

[Pete Holmes]

Aces at a college.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Those are so hard for me, really. Well, you got to do an hour and it's got to be most time clean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I wasn't clean back then. And they're young. They're really young.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And in 2007, I was in my 30s. The people that come to these, if you're at my level, are the kids that can't drink.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So they're under 21.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And they're, you know, it's usually the faculty, student body and then a few scattered people. When it's me, anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm a no name.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. You mean. And it's often the kids that organized it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And those kids, with full respect, are, you know, like the. The conscientious kind of enthusiast. They have school spirit.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Wonderful people.

[Pete Holmes]

Wonderful people.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, please. Old homesy would love to. I haven't done a college in a long time. But all I'm saying with full respect, everyone is out like partying. And then there's this like minority group.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That comes and sees the comedy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And they believe in you.

[Pete Holmes]

And they believe in you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But they're. They're 20 people that they asked to join that have a class starting in an hour.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Are just. This is a nooner a lot of time. Yeah, absolutely. A lot of them are at noon.

[Pete Holmes]

I would often perform for just the people that promoted the show. And I've told this story before, but I want to tell it to you. It's like one time it was me. It was noon. It's in this auditorium or, you know, cafeteria, and it's me and the four people from SAC or Cab or whatever it is. And they booked me and no one else is there. And we're sitting talking just like this. And it's one of the greatest things I feel like I've ever done in my career. I was just kind of making them laugh as we were sitting there. And then without any intro, I just got up on stage and just continued.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Talking the conversation on stage and then.

[Pete Holmes]

Started merging in bits because it was so uncomfortable.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And one of the things college has taught me is, like, you have to take charge. You have to be like. And we're starting the show.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was the. The best pro tip I had was don't tell them. Don't ask, tell them. Be like, I usually do about 45, 50. I know it says an hour in the contract, but I do, like, 45, 50, and, like, you know what I mean? Like, they're kids. They want somebody to steer the ship. And if you don't steer the ship, they're just going to tell you what's in the contract, and then everybody's screwed. Because now you're doing a hard 60 in a cafeteria for four people. Yeah, I do about 45.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I wish someone that same person had talked to me, too. Or the agent who booked you should have been, like, told you that you got to take this. You got to take charge here.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I completely agree.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it would take five minutes to give somebody the spiel on how to do a college.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. And the jokes aren't probably going to work.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so what you should try to do is be entertaining.

[Pete Holmes]

Locke, get the school paper. And I'm telling you, the first 20 minutes, all you're gonna do is read the police log. All you're gonna do is make fun. I used to have my questions. What's. Is there any. I would just say, is there anything funny about the school? What does everyone make fun of? And the one I always remember is they go, well, we call the cafeteria the Butt, because we called, like, the Butterfield or something.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Go up. And I was like, it's great to be here. I just had dinner at the Butt. Nine minute applause. You know what I mean?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Like, right, just.

[Pete Holmes]

Or if you want to be really lazy. What did the last comedian make fun of? I'm not going to do the same bits, but I guarantee there's going to be something there for me and my perspective. And you don't start your act until 20 minutes in. There's. They don't even want to hear the act. They're only going to remember that you were like, so your mascot is a moth.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, who's your rival? The sweaters.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember one of the biggest laughs I ever got out of college. They. I asked them, what are people making fun of? And they're like, well, they just put all these bikes out. It's a really small campus, but they're all these, like, city bikes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, rentals yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just. I went on stage and I went, boy, I was almost late for the show. Luckily, I took one of those bikes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's just. It's been going on already.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just. It's like when I. The first time I went and saw comedy at the Comedy Connection in Boston, the comedian referenced the song Nookie, which was the Limp Bizkit song. Couldn't believe it. How does this guy know Nookie? You know what I mean? He's living in my world.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all it was.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a thrill when you're not.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Familiarity eight. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's amazing. Well, you got me on a tear, so you did some nacas.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's it for that. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bart.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then quit. Bart quit. I think he went silent for a while. So Bart I hadn't ever spoke to again, but, you know, just kind of floated through.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you submit a tape for a half hour?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No. Yeah, No, I probably. I probably submitted tapes for different thing. Joanne Griggioni. Yep. I met him. Met with her, love.

[Pete Holmes]

Joanne changed my life.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I did, too. She did well.

[Pete Holmes]

She gave me my half hour and my hour. Her and Harris.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Shout out.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, absolutely. Hey, I. I knew Joanne through Joanne.

[Pete Holmes]

And your mom are all watching this, right?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I know. What am I doing?

[Pete Holmes]

No, they might be.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, I mean, I'm. Yeah, maybe they are, but it just. It just didn't work out for me with Comedy Central. I. For whatever reason, I didn't. We didn't have that romance.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like True detective. You're the McConaughey that says time is a flat circle and you're smoking and you're making the thing out of the beer can.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just didn't work out for me in Comedy Central because an hour is a flat circle. Just like. This is it. I'm seeing it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You tell me, man. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep going.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I really wanted it to work out. I wanted everything that everyone was getting around me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What was that experience like? Was it hard to stave off it's bitterness? Is it still hard to stay?

[Lachlan Patterson]

It was because I was young. I had. I had old journals that were just filled with hate.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. And so, like, specific people, they got this.

[Pete Holmes]

They fucking suck.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm not. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not trying to be salacious. I'm trying to understand what it felt like.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I usually didn't attack the artist. I knew that there was no joy in that, but I would attack the companies. You know, Screw these people. Screw these people. They don't understand. And I also didn't understand how. What was I doing wrong? I never knew what I was doing wrong. How am I affecting people that nobody really wants to collaborate. And so I took it negatively, personally, whatever. But I realized there's just no outlet for me for that. So outside of the journal, I just again, focused on the only thing I knew, which is how to write a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, also respect for journaling, because the people that do that out loud, it doesn't really work great for them.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No. And I had a roommate like that, and it was hard to hear him. And that helped too.

[Pete Holmes]

You had to recognize, like, I don't think.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't know, man. It's hard. And for some reason, part of the hardness is, is we don't. It's not helpful to just not mope. But I don't know, you kind of have to delude yourself a little bit or compartmentalize it, because I think I feel like the people that just talked shit, it was just a bad frequency to be around.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They usually weren't doing well.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they weren't doing so. And it seemed to compound than not doing wellness.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. And then when I meet successful people and say, how are you doing? It was always positive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I ran to Michael Jr. Once and I said, how are you? How you doing, Michael? He goes, I'm blessed. And I really love that about him. Is like, I think I was struggling and hearing him say that was like.

[Pete Holmes]

I gotta be like Nate used to say before he was Nate, you know, Bargetsi.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would say, how you doing? And go live in the dream. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

And I remember calling him on it. Maybe it was on that old podcast, I don't know, Katie. But I was like, she just re. Listened to it. Who cares? But I was like, now I want to say why you were. We were going to re release it. It doesn't matter. But I said to Nate, how are you? He said, living the dream. And I was like, are you joking?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. I would want to ask you is, was he joking?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think he was joking. I think he meant it as an Arnold Palmer of I am living the dream. But also in that Nate way of like, deadpan. Deadpan, dry.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think he was being positive. He's like, living the dream, not excited about it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Like, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm out here living the dream, man. You know, like an influencer.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

He's just like, living the dream. Okay, but this is way before.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But using that language, it Programs your mind. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to Toro, Tony Robbins.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, I.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have to delude ourselves. I'm sorry. I really want to say that, like, I don't think we need to be phony, but. Yeah, you can orient yourself towards what's going well.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. Well, I knew that I. The thing that made me happy was getting on stage and telling jokes, so I never stopped doing that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Even if the shows that I was doing weren't. We're getting. Weren't going me anywhere, the offers that I was getting weren't good. In fact, I was. I was coming home with very little money. And you're working the road. I was working the road, but not at a level that I wanted to be. And it. You know, it's. It's. It. There's a lot of comedians doing that. There's a lot of. There's a whole mass community of comedians doing shows in rooms and making just enough to get by.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And. And then, you know, the ball just didn't. Wasn't moving.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so, fortunately, there was a couple clubs that believed in me, including the Comedy and Magic Club, Richard and Mike, the owner.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like the Comedy and Magic Club rescues a lot of great people.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you feel that way?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Of course. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like there's something. They have some good taste and they have a nurturing quality.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes. And they have a few celebrities come in and hang out in the green room, and you get an opportunity to have some of that rub off on you. As opposed to the rooms that I was normally doing, which were just comedians of my level or lower.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So, you know, in that green room.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right. I'm assuming Jay Leno.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Jay Leno, Ian Bagg, even Tosh, you know. Oh, Garry Shandling. Incredible comedians. Garry Shandling did a guest spot before me and wrote me a note saying, sorry for going long, and I lost it anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Lachlan, we found it. That's how you go viral. I need to materialize things that don't.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Exist anymore, and that's how you go viral.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's viral. Who's better than Shandling? That's incredible.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, yeah. He had his. Nope. Yeah, he had his. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do I have it? I don't know.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You got a note from Gary Shandling.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I don't think I have my Shandling. It's these toys from the movie Comedian. That's Jerry.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh. What?

[Pete Holmes]

And when Shandling passed, there was a little one of Shandling, and he's holding his yellow. A stack of yellow paper.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And when he passed, I glued it onto a paperweight of a star, like a. Like a Hollywood walker for. I gave it to Judd.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's nice, but.

[Pete Holmes]

So I used to have the full set. You can put Jerry right there. He's all right.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You know, one of the things I looked at Gary Shan, he came in the Comedy Magic Club, and I looked at this as. Interesting little thing he had. So his stack. And every single piece of paper has jokes on it, but every single piece of paper is a different type of paper.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. So it's like a yellow piece of paper, a white piece of paper, a piece of. He had a VHS box. Paper box peeled open of a VHS tape and had notes on it unfolded as one of his notes that he brought on stage. Isn't that insane?

[Pete Holmes]

He had a Burger King crown. It unfurled, and the bit on it was killer. And it was a little regal. That's amazing. So, yeah, so the Comedy Magic Club.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So they put Richard. I said, hey, tonight we got Bob Breed. And Bob. And man, that's terrible. Bob Reed and Ross. Jeff Ross. Bob and Ross are coming down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And they're coming to look at finesse. Mitchell, He's. He's running his Tonight show set for the Tonight Show. And I'm gonna put you on right after him if you want. And so they put me on right after him, and I had a set that I had already, you know, had been cooking. And when I told it, it went really well. And immediately Bob came up to me and he goes, well, you know, we really like you. We'll see what we can do. Keep. Keep. Yeah. It was just like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazing. Real show business.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I have never.

[Pete Holmes]

Beach in the background.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. And so one day I got. I. I just said, that was enough for me. I was like, the Night show said that they like me fine. One day, I'm. I'm. I'm going to court for a traffic dispute, and I get a call from Bob saying, we need a guest tonight. We need a guest. Aaron Rodgers just won the super bowl and was supposed to do the show, and he has decided to go do Letterman. And so they're filling.

[Pete Holmes]

Ice cold.

[Lachlan Patterson]

They're filling my. The spot. And I had the set already ready, so they picked me up. You know, I went into court and I just said, guilty. They said, do you plead guilty or not guilty? Not guilty. You got to stay outside and wait. And I said, I am guilty. I gotta go be on the Tonight Show. I even said it because I Was so excited.

[Pete Holmes]

Did they clap?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah, I think they clapped. And then the guy goes. The guy goes, all right, well, can you pay this amount? And it was like $10. And so I was like, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He just loved your freshness. Yeah. He sensed your vitality.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then did the Tonight show got a little clout for that. And this is with Jay. With Jay. Yeah. Jay was on the show. I didn't get to last second. They had a. We had a back and forth prepared last second right before they're about to push me on stage. Jay doesn't. We don't have time for. We don't have time for panels. So you're just gonna go shake his hand afterwards, and that's it, and we'll go to commercial. And that's what you need in your.

[Pete Holmes]

Mind right before you're trying to remember your joke. Just so you know it's gonna be different than you thought.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just let you find out that you're not doing the couch when he doesn't ask you over the couch. Yeah. I guess there's no good way to eat a Reese's.

[Lachlan Patterson]

The funny thing is, they told me, like, they have a guy that brings you to every step of the way. Like, okay, you're gonna go here, and when he calls you, you're gonna go over there, and then he's gonna stop you and hold you, the floor manager and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then there's a step here, and you'll see that little piece of tape you're gonna stop. And then. Yeah. So much Larry King tripped.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not even trying to be funny. You know, it's like somebody tripped.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We put this tape here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Rest in peace to the great Larry King. By the way, this is the Marianne Williamson tape because she tripped on this little step. So we put bold tape on it. We're not having that anymore.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's a great piece of tape.

[Pete Holmes]

No lawsuits.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then. So when you look at. If you ever would.

[Pete Holmes]

Lawsuits. I'm not worried about lawsuits. I'm worried about somebody getting hurt. Keep going.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I remember the moment I walk out, I did all those things. And he goes, oh, don't forget to point to the band. The band likes it. And they'll laugh more if you show them a hi. Don't forget to say hi to Jay.

[Pete Holmes]

These are the tips.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. And so I'm doing all these mechanics. So when I walk out, it looks very mechanical, but I go and I point to the tape. I even point to the tape because it's in my head.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And So I just point, point, point, deliver. Super mechanical young. First time on the Tonight show set. Of course. It was very. I thought he did great. It's unwatchable by today. Really? Oh, yeah. I can't watch that. I can't watch anything.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I did Fallon before. He was Fallon, and I was very stiff. Yeah, you just get one out of your system.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like. It's just what it is.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I forgave myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But yuck.

[Pete Holmes]

And were the jokes good? The jokes were good. Your performance was just a little tight.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I thought the jokes were good. I, I, I can't stand behind them today.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But I can't stand behind most of my stuff today. Like, I just, I don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got to go.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's got to go.

[Pete Holmes]

Move on.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Dump it.

[Pete Holmes]

Dumped. We're not in the Canadian scene, working that same hour for two decades.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Just remembering something you said.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Comedians in Canada, of course, they still write and they're still great comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

See, look, now, you don't have to text me with an edit because we're acknowledging that these are great people, but.

[Lachlan Patterson]

There is the option to just phone it and you will be supported.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a trap.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't mean they fall for it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's just like the healthcare system in Canada. Yeah. It's like, they'll take care of you.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Lachlan Patterson]

The comedy club will take care of you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Almost slow on the uptake.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Here. Here. You got to pay your bills.

[Pete Holmes]

I love your jokes. Is there a joke you're working on now that you're excited about? Premise.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's a great. That's it for me. Like, that's, to me is like come to life. My favorite thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Squirrels.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do squirrels always look like I've.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Been trying to make a bit work that I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait. Give it to me, give it to me. This is my.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Is this moment. Anyway, has anyone done. This is another question. As I say that when I watch a movie and there's a newborn baby in the movie, I think, where is the parenting?

[Pete Holmes]

Where's the parent for this baby? Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Where's.

[Pete Holmes]

Who is like. Yeah, my baby is an open membrane for every germ. Let's put it on a set.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. Like that. Like out of the womb. You've seen these ones.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the, the show and the vag.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, they, they bring. They. Yeah, it'll be an operating room scene usually.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Or even just a mom just holding it right after it's born. They'll do that shot.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go ahead. Where can I. Can I. Yeah. Scoop in here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I think you're in the right area, but I think you have the wrong. I think you parked on the wrong side. I love it that you need to say, now that I've had a baby.

[Lachlan Patterson]

This is personal.

[Pete Holmes]

Whenever I watch a movie where there's a newborn baby and they hand the baby to the mother, I'm like, that baby is 10 months old.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. To me, the observation is because, you know, you've never seen a new baby. They're not ready for camera.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

They're translucent.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You can see their brain. They're covered in purple. You don't want that baby.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So they're always holding these big, fat, healthy semi toddlers.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Eyes open.

[Pete Holmes]

Eyes open, yeah. The kid said cut. I think that's your area. He's cutting his own umbilical cord.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

He's tying the knot.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, I was thinking, though, if I stay on this side of the street, the conversation that the two parents, the real parents have with that while they're holding that baby, there's nurses all around them and they're like, what do you think about showbiz? You know, what do you think we should get her started, like, today?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Well, unfortunately, a lot of people have cute babies, and that is in this country. One of their first thoughts is, we could get this kid some photos.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right? That's what. That's what they say. That's what one of them says, let's get some photos and let's do this. Yeah. And then the other one says, now, right now, like this minute. Because there are some bloody, gross, gruesome babies in movies.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And bloody, gross, gruesome babies.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's our agency. We only book. But that's another angle, right? The agent, that's like, how small. You're talking premature. Yeah. I got a preemie. He's under the lamp right now. I'll get him still cord.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Cord on or off?

[Pete Holmes]

You need cord on. Cord off for cordon. And then he's going to be on cordon tonight with his cord on.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then do they. Do they audition them? Like, are there ones that they're like, I'm. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I would. This. I would.

[Lachlan Patterson]

We'll call you.

[Pete Holmes]

I would go, it's always the baby's older.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you go, who are these parents that want their kid to be in show business? But let's do it before it can even say no.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right, right. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, this baby doesn't even know it's in a scene.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you get paid.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's freaking weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Anytime I've worked with a kid, I'm always like, don't do it right. I did a commercial where I had a baby strapped to my chest.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I could see that. I could see you being cast in that.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was twins, so they could rotate one out. And one was freaking out so bad. The parents were right there. I felt so bad. It was like, right. And they're like, let's just try one. They say, action. The kid just barfs. Like, it was like my chest barfed and a baby had it just projectile. And I was like, we got to get the other one in. The other one was a pro. And those kids, Mary Kate and Ashley. But I was like, it's rough, dude. I don't know.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. The child actor, I don't think. Are you gonna do that for your.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No. No. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No, we look at it like vaping. If you want to do it, you do it when you're 21.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's not. I say it like I'm a hard ass, but, like, would do everything I could to.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Well.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Well, because they're gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

I imagine kid. They were like, you can act right. When you're 21.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And she's doing great.

[Pete Holmes]

She's doing great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can do plays and stuff.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Just change your name.

[Pete Holmes]

Change your name. Almost famous.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go. So tell me another. What's your favorite joke that you've ever written? I just want a little taste. Maybe we'll play one of your sets at the top of the episode. But here in our closing moments, tell me a joke that you're very, very proud of, that you wouldn't mind too much pressure.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But I know I have. So what am I proud of? You know, the one I'm. The one I'm working on right now that is working.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Is about the suggested password that they give you.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right. And how. Just like, how blown away I'm like, that. That was your suggestion. Like, I don't even think I have any of those keys on my keyboard. How do you make a. How do you make an O with a line through it?

[Pete Holmes]

That's fantastic.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then they.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we in Germany?

[Lachlan Patterson]

And then they go, don't share it with anyone. Well, how could I? How would you even. How. What's your password? You got a Latvian keyboard. Yeah, it's capital bracket. And I just make up capital bracket. Upside down T symbol for dry clean only. And that's great.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's fantastic. That's ready to go.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's what I'm proud of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's really good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I like attacking a thing that bothers me. That's my. It's so rewarding to not only get the laugh, but get the relief that you guys think it's stupid too.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you mine is I go, if you send someone a voice memo, you know, a text. A voice memo.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they reply with a voice memo. I'm like, I'm so happy for you. You found a voice memo friend. Keep doing it. But if you send someone a voice memo and they reply with a text, that person hates your voice and they're starting to hate you. And that joke isn't that funny. But I love telling it because there's people going like, yeah, like, there's people like me. Easily overwhelmed people that don't want to carve out three minutes to listen to your monologue. A phone call I can't answer.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're just talking about seeing a seagull that's far from shore.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? Was this necessary?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What if it's the justice of it? I'm like, just send a text. I'll be. And then I go. And I don't want to be like women. Be like. But women do tend to like voice memos more because my wife is emotionally brilliant and she's like, the tone of my voice is the message.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And men are like, I saw a sandwich. I like, that's a very. Like men and women. But it's true.

[Lachlan Patterson]

You could text. If you can't text it, then I get the voice memo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Like your wife.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But 90, 99 of it.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree totally.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I don't even respond to them.

[Pete Holmes]

I won't listen to them. I'll read the horrible transcript.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Can you double tap them and just hard it or no.

[Pete Holmes]

Voicemail. Yes, you can heart them.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you can hard it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

If someone's.

[Pete Holmes]

You can also hard it and then write. I didn't listen to this. That's my favorite combo. Heart Pass. Just write the word pass. Read the transcript. Those transcripts reveal the insanity of them. I was just. Ah, this guy's cut in front of me. Anyway, just. You weren't in a good place to contact me.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Is it a voicemail?

[Pete Holmes]

Gather yourself.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And then communicate.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Gather yourself. This is. Gather yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not the moment.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm not here on a whim.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Please.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'm Here.

[Pete Holmes]

Get it together.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Schedule this.

[Pete Holmes]

Schedule this.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Get it together. You know what I'd prefer? This is just two guys talking now. Like, Neil Brennan texted me something funny. I'll send a video of me because I want him to see me laughing at it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

That has value. Now I'm adding to his idea.

[Lachlan Patterson]

So it's not a real laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

I was still laughing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He sent me something that was so funny. I was like. And then I was like, look, this is the real laugh. I tried to catch it as fast as.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, that's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the tail end of the real laugh. You just got. I like that has value.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or. But it's a little better than texting. Hahaha. Yeah, look, two old guys figuring it out.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Do you ever write lol?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me neither.

[Pete Holmes]

I do. I'm a big fan of laughing face with the squirting.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that one.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I like that one too.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to think. I'm a big heart emoji guy.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Love sending a heart. I'll send a heart with the screen effect that goes.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, how do you do that?

[Pete Holmes]

This is fun.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Not just a show.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll text you. Here you are. Where are you? Didn't you just text me?

[Lachlan Patterson]

I did. I hope. I hope that's me over there.

[Pete Holmes]

So you go to the emojis Heart.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold on. The arrow up screen.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, my gosh.

[Pete Holmes]

The best one is the last one.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, stunning.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you have sound on, it's also doing a vibration. If you have sound on, you'll hear the opened up a whole new world for you.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm here. Look, if you're over 40, you need help. We need help.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm happy to tell you that.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Next time we'll get into how to turn a photograph into a sticker.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Ooh.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi. This is a tech podcast now, Lachlan. I've loved this, man. We will play a clip up top.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Plug your tour dates. Thank you for being here.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

The last question I have, and I hope you took everything I said as the sincere encouragement that it is, because I think you're hilarious.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, Pete. Thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't lose that piece of paper. I think I'm Garry Shandling. This is when you realize I'm inside. Don't lose this piece of paper. What a fucking loon. Can you remember the time you laughed the hardest in your life? It doesn't have to be a good story. Tears streaming, belly hurting, falling, pushing. You could be A kid?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He farted. Sometimes it's a fart. Sometimes someone fell down, I think it was.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I watched the Naked Gun.

[Pete Holmes]

Great.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It hurt.

[Pete Holmes]

The new one?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, the original.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I went to the theater alone, watched the Naked Gun, and I was in physical stress. Like, I was worried. Totally dead sober.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so good.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And remember comedy boobs? There's that part where he's holding onto the boobs. I never found that to be even the slightest bit funny. I was always just like. Like that. There was no boobs.

[Lachlan Patterson]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

No Internet. So if you saw boobs.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In a movie. Like airplane. Yeah, airplane boobs.

[Lachlan Patterson]

But they made it funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It was funny. It was so confusing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it was a very weird. Yeah. But that Naked Gun airplane did too.

[Lachlan Patterson]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Remember when he eats the banana, he goes, you have something right here. And then it's the whole banana that he bought. He's on camera.

[Lachlan Patterson]

It's the. It's the thing where they go, okay, we gotta laugh. All right, now double it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Now triple it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

And so don't let them breathe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Don't let them breathe. And so when you're in the audience, if you're me, no one else like me in the whole place, but I. It's like. Give me a break.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. It's hurting and you're alone. What a pure thing.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Oh, it was great.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the new one?

[Lachlan Patterson]

No, I haven't either. Yeah. I love Leslie Niels. Liam Neeson. Leslie Nielsen. Liam Neeson. So crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Leslie Nielsen. Liam Nason. Who's the next one? Name? Gayson. Yeah, I've heard it's good from the reviews.

[Lachlan Patterson]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. Who cares?

[Lachlan Patterson]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll text you some more tips.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I appreciate it. Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

IPhone tips.

[Lachlan Patterson]

I'll heart them and then.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, pass. Thank you so much for doing it. It was awesome. Would you say keep it crispy? It's just how we end the show.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

He did it. I'm just kidding. It's not a trick. Thank you. Thanks for doing it.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Thanks, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Bye.

[Lachlan Patterson]

Bye.