Lisa Gilroy

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Episode Featuring Lisa Gilroy

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Title: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Lisa Gilroy
Release Date: January 29, 2025
Description: In this episode of "You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes," host Pete Holmes sits down with comedian Lisa Gilroy to explore the depths of their comedic minds. Known for her viral presence on platforms like Instant Pictogram and TikTok, Lisa brings her unique brand of humor and improvisational skills to the conversation, resulting in a rich tapestry of jokes, personal anecdotes, and insightful dialogue.

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1. Introduction and Setting the Stage

The episode begins with Pete Holmes enthusiastically introducing Lisa Gilroy, highlighting her comedic prowess and online presence. He emphasizes the fun and light-hearted nature of the episode, setting the tone for an engaging and entertaining conversation.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes [00:08]: "We talk about that at the end. And she's legit. I'm gonna say she's legit. She's so funny."

2. Diving into Improvisational Comedy

Pete and Lisa immediately delve into the world of improvisational comedy, sharing their experiences and techniques. They discuss the spontaneity required in improvisers and the importance of adaptability on stage.

Notable Quote:

Lisa Gilroy [02:14]: "You were like an ice cream cone, you damn improviser out there in a black box asking for something that would fit on the stage."

Pete responds with playful banter, highlighting the challenges and rewards of being an improviser.

3. Pop Culture and Movie References

The conversation takes a humorous turn as Pete and Lisa riff on various pop culture icons and movies. From dissecting the leadership of King Leonidas in "300" to critiquing the romantic entanglements in "Love Actually," their discussion is filled with witty observations and comedic insights.

Notable Quotes:

Pete Holmes [06:01]: "Everyone's there for some reason... King Leonidas, occasionally King Leon... if you're from Sparta, you know, if you know, you know, the kick pit."

Pete Holmes [21:15]: "You can do better."

4. Personal Anecdotes and Life Experiences

Lisa shares a personal story about her daughter being sick late at night, blending humor with relatable parenting struggles. Pete reflects on a particularly rough day, discussing how personal challenges can impact one's mood and performance on stage.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes [51:04]: "My sleep got interrupted. And then all day, nothing I wanted to get done go away."

5. Religion and Philosophical Debates

The dialogue shifts towards deeper philosophical and theological discussions. Pete and Lisa explore concepts of existence, the nature of the self, and interpretations of Jesus' role. They reference thinkers like Richard Rohr to elaborate on these ideas.

Notable Quotes:

Pete Holmes [79:16]: "Jesus died to change our mind about God... suffering is God Goding itself."

Pete Holmes [82:00]: "I bring magic from the heavens and I bring stories from the earth."

6. Supernatural Stories and Unexplainable Phenomena

Adding an eerie twist to their conversation, Lisa recounts a ghostly encounter from her teenage years, blending spooky elements with humor. Pete contributes by highlighting the whimsical nature of believing in supernatural events.

Notable Quote:

Lisa Gilroy [117:54]: "I heard literally like na na na na la. Like a little girl singing... we both were like, why the fuck are you singing?"

7. Exploring Human Relationships and Emotions

Pete and Lisa delve into the complexities of human emotions and relationships, discussing themes of love, fear, and personal growth. They emphasize the importance of authentic connections and the role of vulnerability in comedy.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes [82:00]: "I bring magic from the heavens and I bring stories from the earth."

8. Fun with Accents and Voice Impressions

The duo lightens the mood by showcasing their talent for voice impressions. Lisa demonstrates a Trump impression, while Pete engages in playful exchanges about different accents and character portrayals.

Notable Quote:

Pete Holmes [95:02]: "That was so funny. You did the Ariel."

9. Closing Reflections and Future Projects

As the episode winds down, Pete and Lisa reminisce about the spontaneity of improvisational comedy and the importance of maintaining authenticity in their performances. They tease upcoming projects, including Lisa's role in "Twisted Metal" and the series "Interior Chinatown" on Hulu.

Notable Quote:

Lisa Gilroy [84:42]: "This is one of the ways I make it weird."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• [02:14]
  Lisa Gilroy: "You were like an ice cream cone, you damn improviser out there in a black box asking for something that would fit on the stage."

• [06:01]
  Pete Holmes: "Everyone's there for some reason... King Leonidas, occasionally King Leon... if you're from Sparta, you know, if you know, you know, the kick pit."

• [21:15]
  Pete Holmes: "You can do better."

• [51:04]
  Pete Holmes: "My sleep got interrupted. And then all day, nothing I wanted to get done go away."

• [79:16]
  Pete Holmes: "Jesus died to change our mind about God... suffering is God Goding itself."

• [82:00]
  Pete Holmes: "I bring magic from the heavens and I bring stories from the earth."

• [117:54]
  Lisa Gilroy: "I heard literally like na na na na la. Like a little girl singing... we both were like, why the fuck are you singing?"

• [95:02]
  Pete Holmes: "That was so funny. You did the Ariel."

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Conclusion:

This episode of "You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes" featuring Lisa Gilroy is a masterclass in comedic improvisation blended with genuine conversation. From playful riffs on pop culture to deep dives into philosophical beliefs, Pete and Lisa create a dynamic and entertaining dialogue that showcases their unique comedic talents and personal insights. Whether you're a long-time fan or new to the show, this episode offers a delightful mix of humor, heart, and thought-provoking discussions that celebrate the beauty of embracing one's weirdness.

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Further Listening:

• Don't miss future episodes of "You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes" where Pete continues to explore the hidden weirdness in everyone by bringing on a diverse array of comedians and guests.

Follow Lisa Gilroy:

• Instant Pictogram: @LisaGilroy
• TikTok: @LisaGilroy
• Other Projects: Check out Lisa's work in "Interior Chinatown" and her role in "Twisted Metal."

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the conversation, highlighting the key moments and maintaining the engaging flow of the original podcast. Whether discussing the nuances of improv, sharing personal stories, or delving into deeper philosophical debates, Pete and Lisa provide listeners with a rich and entertaining experience.

Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it with.

[B]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with.

[A]

Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. Boy, oh, boy. What a. What's happening, weirdos? I say, boy, oh, boy. Usually I always say, what's happening first, but this time I said, boy, oh, boy because this is such a fun episode. Lisa Gilroy is here. Maybe you know her from instant pictogram or TikTok. I don't know if that's her around. I'm recording this two weeks ahead of time. What's happened out there? But she's hilarious and so, so funny. Follow her on Instant Graham, the Lisa Gilroy. Check her out on Interior Chinatown. Check her out on Twisted Metal. We talk about that at the end. And she's legit. I'm gonna say she's legit. She's so funny. We had such a fun and silly, silly time talking, and I'm so glad you guys are here. Not much to say up top other than enjoy. If you go to PeteHomes.com you'll see my tour dates. See Phoenix, Arizona, Louisiana. I got more. Another show. We did a show just this past week at Largo, and it was so emotional with everything that's going on to do a fundraiser and have people show up. Zach Galifianakis came out and did a set. And the Sklar Brothers. It was just an amazing show. Nick Thune, now I want to mention everybody, Mo Welch. It was such a fun show and the crowd was just there for it. It was emotional. It was. It was a really, really overwhelmingly positive experience and a beautiful experience and one that I won't forget. So we do that show monthly. So on PeteHomes.com you'll see the tickets. The next one's February 15th. Then Vancouver. We just added a second show. Thank you to Canadian weirdos coming out. Austin, Nashville, and Royal Oak, Michigan. All of those are on PeteHomes.com. hope to see you out there. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for you guys to hear this one. And if you're in California, hope you're safe. Stay safe. Keep donating, keep helping. And in the meantime, enjoy this chat with my new friend. I'm going to say it. My new friend, Lisa Gilroy. Get into it.

[B]

Taste test. Taste test. Is it. Am I holding this right or you.

[A]

You were like an ice cream cone, you damn improviser out there in a black box asking for something that would fit on the stage. I start real hot, real aggressive.

[B]

So mad at me. Came here with A vendetta. Hated me for years. Well, you tried to kill me, and I got away. That time in the parking lot.

[A]

Oh, different riffs, different riffs, different genres.

[B]

There's different genres, different decades. Oh, you said genre with a hard G. Genre.

[A]

I'm genre. Okay. My daughter has a book. It's called Grumpy Monkey.

[B]

Nepo Baby.

[A]

Well, she would be.

[B]

She wrote it. Let me guess. It's on the bestseller list. Nepo Babies.

[A]

That would be so great if my daughter.

[B]

Well, you said my daughter has a book. As if you were, like, promoting.

[A]

No, Barf City. But it's called.

[B]

It's Only a Matter of Time.

[A]

Wow. Maybe. How would you feel about that? If you had a baby, would you hook him up?

[B]

Well, my baby won't be a nipple baby.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

I'll be dead.

[A]

Oh, you'll die in childbirth.

[B]

I'll be long dead. Yes.

[A]

You'll have, like, boiled water, and you'll be wearing, like, a.

[B]

A white nightgown, covered in blood, sweat. Yeah. Featherbed bonnet.

[A]

Everyone's there for some reason.

[B]

Cold cloth to my forehead, doing nothing. I'm hurtling towards.

[A]

Oh, my God. For most of human history, if you had a cold towel on your head, you are gone. You're gone.

[B]

They're literally just doing it to prep you for. It's like, you know, out of ideas. It's basically, they're doing your, like, open casket makeup. They're like, let's get her cleaned up for the open casket.

[A]

It's cleaner now.

[B]

Yeah, cleaner now.

[A]

That's dark. If they're like. They start putting makeup on you, and you're like. We just.

[B]

You're like, no, I'm sick. I don't need makeup. Wait a minute. Also, what kind of makeup is this?

[A]

Dead makeup? Which is the best makeup? If I was in a makeup situation, I'd say, give me the makeup you give dead people.

[B]

Because I had a makeup artist once that I came to set, and I was like, oh, I feel like a dead girl. Like, I'm so excited to have makeup on. And she was like, I used to be a mortician, so that's not far off. And she said, it's not that different.

[A]

Feet under, except they don't score.

[B]

Why'd you do that?

[A]

Yeah, the body's down, and you're. You're doing it down.

[B]

Oh, I see. The body's down and you're doing it down. That's the makeup brush. I thought you were kind of pointing, like, six feet under. I was like, I know where down is.

[A]

How many times have people recommended the show Six Feet under to me?

[B]

How many times do me lost?

[A]

Too many.

[B]

I haven't seen it.

[A]

Yeah, beat it.

[B]

I think I tried to watch it, though. It's on Netflix now.

[A]

Still not.

[B]

I'm promoting it.

[A]

That's what you're here for?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nepo baby. I don't know what it means. That's when you realize. I don't know.

[B]

That would be a good. That's a Nepo baby whose parents are dead. Six feet under.

[A]

Dead. What?

[B]

I guess what I'm trying to say is if I'm on a tour promoting Six Feet under and I'm a Nepo baby, maybe my parents are dead, I.

[A]

Don'T know, because they made the show.

[B]

Because they're Six Feet under.

[A]

Oh, I see. You're promoting them.

[B]

Are you a Nepo baby?

[A]

My parents are alive.

[B]

Oh, yeah. See? So now we've changed the meaning of Nepo baby to someone whose parents are dead. It's the new meaning. It's not orphan. It's Nepo baby.

[A]

I'd love to live my life. Never correct me. Let me just believe that Nepo. It means a nepotism baby. A baby that gets benefits from, like. Rob Schneider's child is a Nepo baby.

[B]

Can you. Can you say your name?

[A]

Do we know it?

[B]

Yeah, I know it.

[A]

Rob Schneider has a child.

[B]

Rob Schneider has a famous daughter who you didn't even know. Elle King.

[A]

Al King.

[B]

Elle King, the country singer Elle King. Okay. Am I. Am I crazy?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, I'm out of the loop.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

This is the loop. This is where the loop starts with.

[B]

Me for a second.

[A]

Elle King. Sounds like a gang. Okay, well, it's a woman, and it's Rob Schneider's daughter.

[B]

Oh, I feel like I'm visiting you in a mental hospital or something.

[A]

Yeah. Could it be the one from Love, actually.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And you just can't go to strike me. Yeah.

[B]

My darling, my darling, My darling. Like that.

[A]

You can do better.

[B]

No. My darling, my darling.

[A]

And I look a little bit like John Cusack. Yes. Yeah. A little bit like a heavy John Cusack.

[B]

And the guy that she wants to. That she missed out on fucking to take care of. Her brother is way too hot.

[A]

And he's also. He's King Leonidas from the movie 300.

[B]

Okay, well, I just think he's too hot for that role.

[A]

He's incredibly hot.

[B]

I'm not saying that Laura Linney is not so hot, but I'm saying love a Linny.

[A]

Love a Laura Lily love a Laura Lindy? It's one of my security questions. What do you love? I love a Laura Linny. You're in my chase.

[B]

That's in your password, y'all.

[A]

Up in my chase.

[B]

What do you love?

[A]

If I forget my password, then it says, what do you love?

[B]

What do you love?

[A]

I love a lower Linny. That dude's way too hot.

[B]

Also, they try to put him in wireframe glasses to be like, he works in an office. It's like we can tell he has the muscles of a millionaire.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why I mentioned the movie 300. Did you see 300?

[B]

This is Sparta and all that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that really wants people to know where they are.

[B]

Where they are. Yeah.

[A]

And then kick them into a well in the middle of town. Is that a well?

[B]

I think it's the. It's a big pit designed for kicking people down.

[A]

Yeah, the kick pit.

[B]

Kick pit.

[A]

The kid smokes siggies down by the kick pit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then King Leonidas, occasionally King Leon.

[B]

Smoking ciggies with all the kids at the kick pit.

[A]

If you're from Sparta, you know, if you know, you know, the kick pit.

[B]

Flipping kick flip, flipping kick, flipping kick flips.

[A]

Flipping kick flips at the kick pit with Laura Linney.

[B]

Well. Well, don't get stupid.

[A]

You ruined it.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

What I'm saying is, if you remember that movie, there's, like, a guy who's every. Every man is topless and shimmering in that movie. And one of them is the bad guy, and he's the guy from Love. Actually, he's bald. He has, like, a million eyebrow rings, nip rings. He looks like a. You know, like what Edward Scissorhands would masturbate to if he could. Like, Very freaky deaky.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting. I think Edward Scissorhands masturbates to Wynonna.

[A]

Ryder because she's the woman in that.

[B]

Movie that he's the woman that he loves. Isn't that how masturbation works? You think of the person you love the most, and then you start to have an orgasm.

[A]

Unless you have scissorhands. And then you're kind of like you're thinking of Winona Ryder, but she has, like, weed whackers for thumbs. You know what I mean? Something to bring it to your level.

[B]

And Edward Scissorhands might have, like, a knife for a penis. And then he can masturbate all he wants. The sparks are flying.

[A]

The movie seven, where the knife Penis.

[B]

What's in the box?

[A]

Yeah, what's in the box gets all the headline. But the knife penis is the worst part.

[B]

I don't know about knife penis.

[A]

You know about knife penis.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

I'd rather not.

[B]

Someone gets a.

[A]

It's implied knife penis. In fact, if you look at the rating, it says R for graphic language violence and implied knife penis.

[B]

Are you saying a penis into a knife into a penis or a penis?

[A]

A knife as a penis, knife as a penis. A penis knife.

[B]

You know, sometimes my mom would microwave a hot dog and she'd cut a little slit down the middle so it wouldn't like, pop or something.

[A]

Yeah, that was gross.

[B]

And if. Imagine if that happened to your penis.

[A]

Well, yet.

[B]

Imagine. Do you think your penis is solid hot dog all the way through? Or it has blood inside.

[A]

Or it has what?

[B]

Blood inside.

[A]

I think it's solid hot dog all the way through. There's nothing in there. When you find out that an erection is blood. How old were you today? Years old.

[B]

I was today. Years old.

[A]

It's mostly blood. It's so gross.

[B]

Yeah, but only when the blood comes in the tube and makes it a boner. But if there's no blood in the tube, it's just hot dog.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's dry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's like an empty straw in there.

[B]

Yes. And when it cools with blood, it gets boner. And when it's not, it's just hot dog. You could cut a slit down the middle and there would just be hot dog meat inside.

[A]

Yeah. We're all doing the best we can.

[B]

Yeah, we are. Especially guys.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Well, they're doing the best they can. They're awesome with ding dongs. Yeah. Men with penises are doing the best they can.

[A]

And I think crushing it with what they have. Yeah, like marketing the Ding Dong.

[B]

I just mean in general, men are awesome.

[A]

Oh, hot take.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't feel persecuted, but I feel like a lot of comedians are up there going, hard to be a man.

[B]

Hard. You don't ever think it's hard to be a man?

[A]

Me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I moonwalked here.

[B]

I know.

[A]

People kept handing me babies and puppies and coupons to Bed Bath.

[B]

And when I saw you first out on the street and we had parked next to each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're holding a jar. And now I kind of need to know what was in the jar.

[A]

Oh, alpha brain. That's pretty. Men are being persecuted.

[B]

Alpha brain.

[A]

Well, it's just this. It's the name, it's like. It sounds tight. Tough is what I mean. Alpha Brain on it. See, as an improviser. Fan heavy research. Light over here. We told you. Good. We told you we were gonna start at 4. 15. You know what I was gonna do in those 15? Some pretty heavy research.

[B]

Oh, on me? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Well, I asked if you wanted me to sit in the car.

[A]

No, I didn't. I'm just being honest. You know what I mean?

[B]

I'm just gonna go, oh, this is fun for me.

[A]

Fan heavy. You get it now?

[B]

I can tell you whatever I want.

[A]

Exactly. You can. Bob Dylan. Me, I learned this from Wigglefoot.

[B]

Yeah. How does it feel? Whoa. That's Bob Dylan. Wow. How does it feel?

[A]

I know you do a great Bob Dylan.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I also do a great Neil Young.

[A]

Come on, everybody. He sounds like he's. He's like he just finished having a good cry.

[B]

Keep me searching for a heart of gold wow. And I'm getting old.

[A]

And I'm getting old.

[B]

I can be the guitar, too.

[A]

On a horse with no name. Is that right?

[B]

Yeah. That was good.

[A]

Do you want to hear a bit?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Jim Henson sounds like Kermit the Frog. Have you ever heard Jim Henson?

[B]

That's a good bit.

[A]

Yeah, it's a great bit. It's a great premise. No, no, that's just the setup.

[B]

You want to hear a bit?

[A]

No, that's the setup.

[B]

Dolly Parton sounds like Miss Piggy.

[A]

She does, does she? I was ready to go with it anyways.

[B]

What was your bit Jim Henson sounds like?

[A]

Well, he's also running a business with Frank Oz, who sounds like Miss Piggy. Have you ever heard these people talk?

[B]

Dr. Oz.

[A]

Frank Oz.

[B]

I don't know who Frank Oz is.

[A]

Franklin Oz. What? Have you got it now?

[B]

Oh, Franklin Oz.

[A]

Franklin Oz. Frank Oz was the voice of Miss Piggy. You don't need to know Frank Oz. But here you are knowing who Rob Schneider's daughter is. I'm over here knowing who Frank Oz is.

[B]

It's just different strokes. That's just the different. That's just the design.

[A]

It's just different. Yeah, it's just different.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you talk about how old you are?

[B]

Do I talk about it?

[A]

Yeah. Do you admit it?

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

46.

[A]

You are not.

[B]

How old are you?

[A]

Are you really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

See, I say that cuz it's like. Just makes me feel so good when people go, what are you 46? No, I'm not. Are you 46?

[A]

I'm 45.

[B]

Oh, when are you turning 46?

[A]

When they start putting the wet towel on my head.

[B]

And you're in your little nightgown. Soak of blood.

[A]

And here's the rest of the riff. Everyone's there. You're dying during childbirth. And there are so many men with big black hats in the room.

[B]

Who else is gonna save me?

[A]

No, they're not.

[B]

The woman with the big hat.

[A]

They're there to just watch the ghost leave. They want to watch you give up the ghost.

[B]

Is that what they want?

[A]

Or they want the baby for what? There was a lot of baby, like, misplacing. Switch them up. Snatch. Ems. Snatchems. You know, a baby was like a bitcoin in the old days.

[B]

A baby like a bitcoin.

[A]

I got a baby like a bitcoin in the old days. That's like a line you say before.

[B]

You say, in the kick pits.

[A]

I used to flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, kick flicks. He used to flip, kick flips in the kick.

[B]

Okay, wait, what's your Kermit bit?

[A]

Oh, just how do you run a business? And you sound like Kermit. You're like, we gotta get these numbers up.

[B]

Is that Jim Henson? Sounds like him.

[A]

But he couldn't have been chill all the time. He ran a multi million dollar corporation.

[B]

He doesn't sound like him, though.

[A]

He does.

[B]

He does.

[A]

Why are you saying he doesn't if you don't know?

[B]

Because I just assumed.

[A]

He's like, frank, Oz is like, come on, we gotta do it like he does. He just watch the doc. The riff came from the dock.

[B]

Oh, that's cool.

[A]

And he's like, hi. And he's like, come on, Frank, we got a deadline. More ideas. Get him on the board.

[B]

That's kind of like a very, like, rough. Kind of like sexy Kermit.

[A]

Well, that's how we got a deadline. That's who Jim Henson is. He talked dirty, too. He's like, do you like that? With his wife? Sure.

[B]

They have a nasty. They have a nasty puppet show in la. Did you know that?

[A]

Here's what I'm gonna tell you about puppets, Lisa.

[B]

They're not real. What?

[A]

They're not real. They're so funny to everyone that's doing.

[B]

Them, but not to us. It's like improv.

[A]

Oh, my God. Self burn.

[B]

Well, it is.

[A]

I will say that there is a corollary.

[B]

You need to catch me watching improv. Out of your mind.

[A]

That is so funny. It's so funny. You're so funny. Do you ever watch standup no, except to get real riled up to be like, let me go and steal jokes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm up there stealing from Rob Schneider.

[B]

I'm up there stealing from L. King. She has a song, you know, she goes X's and oh. Oh, they haunt me.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's her. I thought that was Missy Elliott.

[B]

That's Look a thing down. Look at him. Upper set, you know, Remember set in the.

[A]

In the Michelin woman outfit.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I have a big let me work it. And I know how hard I'm gonna.

[A]

How old are you really?

[B]

35.

[A]

But now I don't know. Are you almost famous ing me? And then I go, see the truth. Sounds different. Then you go, I'm 18.

[B]

Is almost famous about an improviser who pretends she's 35.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Have you seen it?

[B]

Yeah, I know that Kate Hudson's in it.

[A]

You don't have to see it.

[B]

Yeah, I saw it. And Zooey Deschanel's in it.

[A]

Is she?

[B]

Yeah. Talk about someone else who sounds like kermit.

[A]

No, that's Ms. Stiggy.

[B]

Oh, she's like. Yeah, she's kind of like, well, you know, Zoe Deschanel, like, you know, is a little criminality, isn't it?

[A]

This is. I'm today years old when I found out blood makes an erection. Like, I didn't know. Yeah, she's kind of.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Adorkable.

[B]

Adorable.

[A]

I'm adorkable. Yeah, we needed that when that showed up.

[B]

I know.

[A]

We remember when Zoe was on a bus and it said adorkable and we were all like, they did it.

[B]

Did they put it on a bus? I don't think I was living in America when that would have happened, so I probably never saw the bus.

[A]

No buses in Toronto. Some research.

[B]

I'm from Edmonton. No research.

[A]

Mimbiton is a type of coat. You're from Toronto?

[B]

Edmonton.

[A]

Edmonton.

[B]

I lived in Toronto for a couple years before I moved out here, though. Where'd you come from? Hell.

[A]

Okay, you little demon. Everything is hell to Canada.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

Cuz it's up there. You got it. Yeah, you got the riff.

[B]

Cuz up is cold and down is hot.

[A]

Boys are dogs and cats are girls.

[B]

Boys are dogs and cats.

[A]

That's what my wife says. And I think it's. She's right. All cats are girls, all dogs are boys.

[B]

But I have a cat who's a boy.

[A]

You have a cat who's a boy. Respect. Yeah, I love a boy cat.

[B]

I do Think he's gay, though.

[A]

All cats are bi. Curious.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

A lot of butthole flashing.

[B]

Oh, is that why?

[A]

Hey, just kind of.

[B]

My cat has long hair, though, so you can't see his butthole.

[A]

Oh, nice. Respect.

[B]

Try as you might, pervert, I would.

[A]

I'm always chasing your cat with a fan. Little handheld fan. Trying to get a glance.

[B]

Baby, I hope the wind blows the right way.

[A]

I'm so horny for cats.

[B]

I'm like, oh, I know.

[A]

Let the wind blow the right way.

[B]

What's wrong? What's up with that? Like, do you think there's people out here, predators, who are into animals? And we're like, they should be on a list, right?

[A]

Well, what are they? The animals?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They can get them if they can. You know, you see, you're at the dog park and there's somebody watching.

[A]

There's a good chase to it.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

I'm not saying it's right, but there's.

[B]

Got to be people. I know this is like, maybe this is too dark, but is it. If you're at a dog, there's got to be some sort of pervert. People have seen, like, okay, pet your dog. And then they go like.

[A]

Like touching the ding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So many don't have the ding.

[B]

So many don't have the ding.

[A]

Yeah. So many dogs were spayed and neutered. Bob Barker. Price is Right.

[B]

Peter.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think that once you. Once you take the ding and.

[B]

No. You think the ding's going away?

[A]

Yeah, they don't have the balls.

[B]

I'm only talking about the ding. What would be if I say the ding. If I say someone's gonna touch your ding, do you think they're gonna touch your dick or your balls?

[A]

Well, you don't. Signals. You know those buildings in New York where you have to sign in, in the lobby? That's what the balls is. Just say hello to the balls and then you go to the ding.

[B]

Okay, but if I say someone touched my dog's ding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're really gonna say, but I thought your dog got its ball, dog.

[A]

I mean, you got it. I like what you're doing.

[B]

I'm saying balls aren't ding.

[A]

I'm with you. Dogs are smush. I mean, balls are smush.

[B]

Then why did you say that?

[A]

Riff Gone Wrong.

[B]

It's like someone has to hold this guy accountable.

[A]

I mean, this is going on. Our new compilation tape, Riff's Gone Wrong.

[B]

In my Riff's Gone Wrong, Volume four.

[A]

Snoop Dogg's hosting What's up? What's up? What's up? I can't do it.

[B]

Oh, I thought. You thought I sounded like Snoop Dogg.

[A]

When I said that. Remember when you did Zooey Deschanel perfectly. Well, I don't know.

[B]

Riff's gone wrong.

[A]

Very good. Are you really 35?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I guess I don't really care.

[B]

Well, it sounds like you do a little bit.

[A]

Just for context, what kind of riffs.

[B]

Are you capable of?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. What refs are you gonna get? Would you get the ref to the movie? The referee, Dennis Leary?

[B]

No.

[A]

Me neither. I didn't get it.

[B]

We'll try again.

[A]

Would you get the reference? Well, now I'm just thinking Voldemort. Everyone gets that one.

[B]

Of course, of course.

[A]

So where were we?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Perverts that touch dogs.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

So do you think they're out there? Like, why hasn't there been a report? Like, people being. Oh, the dog park. This guy. Here's his face. Put him on a poster.

[A]

Well, in the same way that a guy lingers at a playground, you get him out of there. You can go to a dog park alone and just kind of watch and nobody's gonna have an issue with that. Is that kind of what we're having an issue with?

[B]

I'm not having an issue with them watching, because I like to watch dogs.

[A]

And then they pet, but then they get the ding.

[B]

Yeah. Like, there must be people out there that do that. Like psychos.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You don't seem to be bothered by it.

[A]

I am bothered by it. This is how I get bothered.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I'm like, yeah, I'm thinking about it. It's fucked up.

[B]

But I have noticed, like, when I take my cat to the vet, they stuck something up his butt and he didn't even seem to care.

[A]

The thermometer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cold glass.

[B]

He was just kind of like, well, wow. He was just like.

[A]

Monday. Garfield comic strips are so bad. Have you read one recently?

[B]

You know why he hates Mondays?

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

John goes back to work.

[A]

He loves John and he loves John. He loves John.

[B]

He loves John.

[A]

This is gonna break the Internet.

[B]

Yeah. You think I didn't get it from the Internet?

[A]

Wait, is that from the Internet? It's already on there.

[B]

Yeah. I saw, like, a meme that was like, you wanna hear something sad? Garfield hates Mondays because that's when John goes to work. And it broke my little heart because.

[A]

He doesn't have to work.

[B]

What?

[A]

John Garfield.

[B]

Cause he's a Nepo baby.

[A]

No, Garfield is a nepo. Dada to his baby son, Garfield.

[B]

Maybe it's like the Dakota Johnson model where they're all kind of famous, the whole fam. Like, John's famous for being in the strip. Like, comic strip. So Garfield's also famous, but also Jon's dad is Jon Voight.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

That's why he has his namesake.

[A]

First namesake.

[B]

And John Void's dad is.

[A]

You guessed it, John Legend.

[B]

John Legend. No, it's not. John Legend's too young. John Void's dad is.

[A]

Oh, wait.

[B]

Cumberdick. Bender, catch.

[A]

Cumberdick. Bender, catch. Oh, wow. Where do you stand on Bunderdick?

[B]

We should legalize it.

[A]

Do you like it? Do you like what he's serving?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Smog.

[A]

Smog. Smaug.

[B]

Smaug.

[A]

Smaug. Smaug, if you're gonna be the pronunciation, Belize, which you have been a couple times.

[B]

Smaj Smash.

[A]

Smegma is the name in the book. In the book, Tolkien called him Smegma. They changed it. Peter Jackson changed it to Smaug. He changed the books because the desolation of Smegma. Actually, the biggest change in the Lord of the Rings is they go back and the Shire is, like, devastated.

[B]

Yeah, I know. And Sharkey's in charge. Sharkey's in charge of the Shire.

[A]

Who dat?

[B]

Sharky is the name that Saruman is going by. He disguises himself as Sharky and he's running the Shire.

[A]

Is this real?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, you're 35. Don't look to Katie.

[B]

Google Sharky.

[A]

She doesn't know Toronto. She doesn't know your coat down. That's very sad.

[B]

Well, it's not sad because then. And it's. And Wormtail.

[A]

Sharky.

[B]

Yeah. He's disguised as Sharky and Wormtail, Wormtongue is his assistant and they're running the Shire and they've taken it over and they're being like bad guys. They're taking all the hobbits weed from them.

[A]

The love of the halflings. Weed.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They're stealing the weed.

[B]

Yeah. And they're like. They have a kind of like a monopoly on everything going on in the Shire. And then Frodo and the gang come back and they go, hey, you can't do that because I'm not going to kill Sharkey, who's Saruman, Right. Because he doesn't deserve it. And then Wormtongue, I think, ends up killing him.

[A]

Oh, he's redeemed.

[B]

Yeah. But I think they both die. So it's good.

[A]

I think in one of the extended cuts, you see Wormtongue Kill Saruman. I think that happens in one of the very, very long, extended cuts, really. Not at the Shire, but does he.

[B]

Push him off that thing that he gets impaled by that spike?

[A]

I think so. Wow. And you see that. It was. That was his little redemption song.

[B]

I have to tell you something about that, Peter. You know when he. You know when Saruman in the movies falls off the tower and he gets impaled by the spike and he's on that wheel and he's going under the water? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you know that they actually fucking had that guy hold his breath and go underwater for a full rotation of the wheel? And they had to do it many times. And he was scared, either him or the stunt double. But they put a real person under that fucking wheel. Like Nightmare on Elm Street. Like scary torture.

[A]

That is scary torture.

[B]

They did not need to do that. They cut away so fast, they can't even use that.

[A]

They're making fake falcons, fake dragons, but they're like this guy. The only way we can get this shot.

[B]

Gotta get somebody.

[A]

Gotta get Christopher Lee drenched.

[B]

How much do I have to pay you to allow me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To tie you to a big wheel in the water.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crank the wheel around slowly, and every time you're under, you have to hold your breath.

[A]

I'm gonna say something right off the bat. My nose water's getting up there. That's the worst part. Oh, it's gonna be the worst part.

[B]

Oh, I think the worst part would be if something happened and I couldn't crank the wheel up for you and you were tied to the thing.

[A]

You don't think they're gonna Houdini it a little bit and be like, okay, if you really need to get out.

[B]

Here'S how you get out.

[A]

Little jiggle wiggle. Just touch the ding.

[B]

Touch the ding. Yeah. But for you, I'm saying, when I do that to you, I'm not gonna.

[A]

I'm really tied.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have to, like, put all my faith in the fact that it's gonna.

[B]

Yes. I'm the one cranking it, in fact, and I have low blood sugar, so I might pass out.

[A]

Well, then. No, please. All right. Name your price for that. We're talking stunt pay extra 50k.

[B]

Okay. But you also have to build the wheel and find the shooting location.

[A]

Well, I assumed.

[B]

Okay, yeah.

[A]

That's where I'll include it in the 50k. It's a scouting fee mostly. And materials to make the wheel. Here's my question as an improvise. This is my first Real question. And I'm interested.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a warning.

[B]

Can I say something before you say that? I have something. I just. Because you said you were going to make the wheel. And then I wanted to say, peter, make the wheel. Like, jesus, take the wheel. But. Okay. So now you can go ahead.

[A]

Never.

[B]

Because you know what was gonna happen to me? You're gonna be asking your question the whole time. In my head, I was going.

[A]

That's what I wanted to do with you. You want to sing what I sing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Too many children found their fathers at dawn and the mother. This is an Irish song. And the mothers are lucky at the sky. There you go. What else are we using? Too many mothers are hunting all their babies.

[B]

Never to find them again.

[A]

Now we'll go. But the great Stones.

[B]

Why it got so aggressive. Sorry. Because I went down there. I don't know. Something about that was like, wow. I felt so Braveheart for a second.

[A]

Because it was. Right. It was rousing.

[B]

Yeah, it was rousing.

[A]

You realize why they sang songs like that? To rouse and get people to go into battle.

[B]

What do they do now? I think it's just like, Tick tock videos.

[A]

Maybe TikToks. Maybe speed.

[B]

Speed.

[A]

It used to be the Macaroot.

[B]

Macaron.

[A]

Which is where we get macaron, of course, from Macaroot. Because the macaroot. No, Macaroot is. Tastes disgusting. Have you ever had it?

[B]

No, but Speed is Sandra Bullock strapped on a bus.

[A]

Yeah. It was Cannes. Here.

[B]

It went to Ken.

[A]

Remember? They hit the baby carriage and. And she's so sad. But it was filled with cans. And then Kiana says, it was cans.

[B]

It was cons.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So now they should play that as.

[B]

A promo for Cannes Film Festival.

[A]

You're three riffs ahead. Dude, that whole time I was trying to say you be Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed. I'll say. What, of all the film festivals, was your favorite?

[B]

It was cons. Wow.

[A]

It was cons.

[B]

Have you ever been to Cannes or do they not let you in?

[A]

No, I would go to TIFF first.

[B]

Toronto International Film Festival.

[A]

Is that what it stands for? I thought it was totally ingratiated fat.

[B]

Oh, whoa.

[A]

These fat have been ingratiated?

[B]

Totally. Okay, wait. What was your question? I interrupted when I. When I had to sing my song.

[A]

Okay, my question was, how do you. Because I am a research light but fan heavy. And I love watching you on Rick Glassman, who I also love. And whenever you're doing your funnies and you're so quickies. How do you get ready for that. It's a real question.

[B]

Oh, I don't get ready for. How could you get ready for it?

[A]

I don't know. I mean, I've spent a good 46 towel years trying to think of the optimum situation. Like, if you have an improv show, you're not. You don't have a thought on, like, light dinner, heavy dinner.

[B]

No coffee? No coffee, I guess. Oh, that's interesting.

[A]

Bm. No. Bm.

[B]

Always bm. IBM.

[A]

IBM was a joke the whole time. Open the windows because IBM.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Open 95 windows because Bill Gates. IBM.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, thought. I love it.

[B]

I don't. I. I don't usually, like, drink before shows. That's the only thing, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I feel like that makes me.

[A]

A little, like, sluggish or like weed smoke, I'm assuming.

[B]

No, Kid. Never.

[A]

I never would.

[B]

Do you.

[A]

Oh, God, no. I once, actually.

[B]

You never touch this stuff?

[A]

I dabble. I don't do it often because I feel. I think it takes a toll. That's what's nice about it. I quit drinking. Who cares? This is almost over. But one of the reasons why I won't get addicted to weed smoke is because I find I'll start getting depressed, like, if I smoke weed three days in a row. On the fourth day, the part of me that's getting high, it turns out, was the part of me that makes me happy and, like, energetic. The part of me that goes like, let's wake up, wake up and face the day and dance a little bit. He's the first one to be like, I don't know, man. Maybe Keanu was at the Cannes Film Festival. So he's off, and he gets sluggish and slow, and then I get depressed, so I have to stop it, stop it, stop it. But alcohol was a little too sustainable.

[B]

Yeah, don't I know it. But don't you get hangovers with alcohol? Yeah. Don't you find you wake up strapped to Zach Galifianakis chest, looking for your best friend.

[A]

Oh, my God. With a tattoo.

[B]

The Hangover. Have you seen it? Just came out this summer.

[A]

I love the third Hangover the most, actually.

[B]

It's just incredible. I think it's incredible when a group of men get together and make a comedy.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

And then there's one woman, and she's the bride at the altar, and she's like, where's my husband? I love that.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I love that. That's like.

[A]

I just think that's your favorite.

[B]

That's my If I could be in any movie, it'd be one where I'm, like, kind of waiting for my wild husband to get home from whatever fun stuff he's doing.

[A]

Like this?

[B]

Yeah. Like, literally. I love that. Like, where's my husband?

[A]

He keeps cutting back to you from time to time.

[B]

No. And when it comes back to me, here's what I'm doing. Doug, where are you? You said you'd be at Jeremy's game. It's just. This is the fourth time you've done this. Okay, bye.

[A]

And then Vanessa Baer walks in, but it cuts. You can tell there's a cut scene.

[B]

Yeah. And she plays my best friend. That's like, don't worry.

[A]

She's your best friend. Look, I love Vanessa Bayer. I'm just saying the movie is so male heavy that you can tell there's a cut scene.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever get the feeling there's a cut scene?

[B]

Of course. You know what? Lord of the Rings to bring it back to them. That is the heaviest. Like, when you watch the extended editions, you see those moments where you're just like, that was cut. And it's always just like a little joke. Like, if we were two hobbits, I'd be like, well, I didn't think we'd fit on the boat. And you'd say like, blah, blah, blah. And it would just be like two little quips and you'd be like, that was gone from the.

[A]

For sure. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

There's no room for any sort of little light sentence ever.

[A]

You ever watch a movie and it's. You never just pop one in?

[B]

Not usually.

[A]

I've watched a movie that's an extended cut or like a director's cut or something like that. And you start getting really. In your head, what's added.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then you're like, that's new. That's new.

[B]

Yes. You can feel it.

[A]

But sometimes you're wrong. It's the Good Will Hunting director's cut. And they're like, pretty sure he said, gotta go see about a girl in the original as well.

[B]

Did you say, did you see Anora?

[A]

I haven't seen Anora.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I'd like to.

[B]

I felt that and I loved it. But I did feel there was moments where I was like, there's just 20 minutes here that gotta go. And then when I found out that it was like, the directors, you know, I just don't think people should be editing their own movies. I think you kind of need, like, a accountability buddy.

[A]

I'm with you. I had a Bit for a long time. Where I go. You ever feel embarrassed for a director because you see so much of, like, what they think is cool or sexy or interesting?

[B]

Yeah. Like, you know how M. Night Shyamalan puts himself in the movies, but then it's like he's in. He's in a reflection of, like, a fridge door opening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he, like, lingers on it for 20 minutes and we're like, we get it. That's your big cameo.

[A]

I'm so with you. That's over.

[B]

It's over.

[A]

It's over. That's.

[B]

You know what I like, though? That I don't think it's over. My darling, My darling, My darling, my darling, my darling, my darling, my darling, my darling.

[A]

Shh.

[B]

My darling.

[A]

Back to Linny. I'm so glad. Don't forget what you were going to say, because all I want to say about love actually. Turn off your phone. And what mental institution lets this guy just call her.

[B]

Oh. And put help. They're like, oh, you're coming to visit your big brother who likes to smack you around. Go on into the room. Yeah.

[A]

Go in the room alone. We'll be on the other side of this door.

[B]

Cause we don't wanna get smacked.

[A]

We'll wait for first smack. That's our policy.

[B]

Yeah, for smack.

[A]

Then we come in.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

That stupid phone. Her plot, her story in love actually ends just. And she never gets what she wants.

[B]

No. It's terrible.

[A]

It's over. That's. The Shires taken over by skin.

[B]

Cause what's gonna happen if she doesn't go visit her darling for one night?

[A]

It's. It's toxic helping. It's codependence.

[B]

Do you think they cut it because we already had enough boobs and stuff in the porno?

[A]

There's so much boobs in that movie.

[B]

But that's maybe why they didn't let Lenny get what she wanted.

[A]

Lenny. I would have rather see Lenny get Lenny than all the. I don't need the Lenny G. G.

[B]

G G gets Lenny the Volume four.

[A]

If I said I got Lennied last night.

[B]

I know what you mean. You got hit by your brother, My darling. Okay. What I was gonna say. What I like a cameo is when there's like in Aaron Brockovich, how the real Aaron Brockovich is the waitress at the diner.

[A]

I like it. I'm okay with it.

[B]

No, don't be okay with it. Be enthusiastic about it. Please.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Because.

[A]

Are you okay?

[B]

Think of a biopic of anyone you know. Someone's still living.

[A]

Bob. Dylan.

[B]

Okay, perfect.

[A]

He's not in it. That would be great if Bob Dylan with his little mustache.

[B]

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[A]

And okay, imagine Bob Dylan would be a toast.

[B]

Imagine. Imagine. Okay, so it's.

[A]

I see the Bob Dylan.

[B]

Shut up. Shut up. Okay, so Timothee Chalamet is getting on his tour bus to be. He's Bob Dylan in the movie. I haven't seen it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Oh.

[B]

As you can probably tell, he gets. It's bad.

[A]

So it's a complete unknown to you.

[B]

Whoa. That landed on your cushy little shoe and didn't even make a sound.

[A]

My little. My little sleeping bag shoes. That's what I do. I put them on as mic catchers.

[B]

Oh, cute.

[A]

Mic catchers and dog catchers.

[B]

Can I try?

[A]

Go ahead. That's Teva. They're not a sponsor, but you gotta get some if you're gonna drop your mic.

[B]

Oh, I can't believe those are Tevas. Those are. Those are the opposites of the Tevas that I know.

[A]

The Tevas that all our dads wear. And it's like, dad, your feet do not need to be on Showcase like this.

[B]

Yeah, it's crazy. Teva has made, like, ultimate summer shoe and ultimate winter shoe. Yeah.

[A]

They fight to the death. This is sub zero. And Goro is the sandal you're thinking of.

[B]

Do you have any toe problems?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I do.

[B]

I fucking knew it.

[A]

I fucking do. Okay, for those of you just listening, she grabbed my toes.

[B]

So Timothee Chalamet is playing Bob Dylan. He gets on the tour bus and it's like. It pulls up and the bus driver's wearing a sunglasses, and he goes like. He turns and he goes, how's the ville? And he lowers his sunglasses and it's Bob Dylan for just a split second.

[A]

We can't.

[B]

Why not? He doesn't have to say. How does it feel? He can say, okay, all aboard, or something. Or. He doesn't have to say anything if you don't want.

[A]

Okay, okay. Maybe he is in it. Katie, would you Google for us? Is Bob Dylan in. Does Bob Dylan make a cameo in a complete unknown? Do you know?

[B]

Okay, I'm gonna give you a famous celebrity that's still alive. And I'm going to tell you, like, pitch a biopic. And then you pitch how that celebrity would be in their own biopic. Okay.

[A]

Game. I was also gonna say that Bob Dylan's look is like the jack in a playing card deck. Like he's trying to be the jack in a Playing card deck.

[B]

The jack in a playing card deck.

[A]

Think about the jack in the playing card deck. His mustache and everything about him and the length of his hair. That's Bob Dylan.

[B]

I have to tell you something. Every deck of cards is a little different. It sounds like the one that you have is really specific. And the jack has a mustache and long hair.

[A]

Well, forgive me for being a bicycle enthusiast. Bicycle or bust. What are you buying? Airport.

[B]

I have a Pirates of the King themed deck of cars. So the Jack is actually Captain Barbossa.

[A]

It's not Captain Jack Sparrow?

[B]

No. Jack Sparrow's the queen. Twist.

[A]

Unneeded twist. Shyamalan. He's in the mirror.

[B]

Yes. He's the joker in the deck. He's the joker in the Pirates of the Caribbean deck. Because it's a joke.

[A]

Midnight Shyamalan.

[B]

It's M. Night Shyamalan.

[A]

Is a joke.

[B]

Well, he's not a joke, but, I mean, the joke is that M. Night Shyamalan is in the desk.

[A]

Are you trying to work with M. Night Shyamalan?

[B]

Kind of.

[A]

Honey, it ain't. I wish I was a sassy, sassy, gay host. I would love, just for this moment. Honey, try.

[B]

Do it, do it. Do a compression.

[A]

It ain't happening. You're loud. That voice is. It's a gray area. I'll just say I wish I was Justin Martindale now. It's not like a generalization. It's one person I'm thinking of. Honey, it's not happening.

[B]

Honey, I'm home.

[A]

Wasn't that different from me. I didn't go as hard as I would have off mic.

[B]

Oh, I know. You're doing it the whole time before we started.

[A]

Yeah. I greet the guest in a caricature that people don't like. Okay.

[B]

That's how you get ready for shows. That's how I question back to you. How do you get ready for shows?

[A]

Well, I'm really neurotic and strange about it.

[B]

Oh, you are? I actually saw you get ready for a show once.

[A]

What?

[B]

And you were so neurotic and strange that you didn't even notice I was in the room.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

It was in Montreal at Just for Laughs. We didn't actually meet because you were in the green room, like, preparing something. You were, like, very in the zone.

[A]

What was I doing?

[B]

I think you were hosting New Faces.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think I would be getting really in the zone for that.

[B]

Well, you were doing. You were standing facing a wall, going, sit in solemn silence on a dark, dank dock you kept saying really loud. You're doing like a. A vocal warm up or something.

[A]

That's not real.

[B]

Well, okay, what. What is real is that we really were in a green room together. And you were like. You were over a notebook and you were going like.

[A]

And you were going, no, no.

[B]

Yes, you were. Yes you were.

[A]

Well, one of the things I'm trying to work on as a performer is to just be a little bit more like. A little more eco groovy. A little more like eco groovy. Eco groovy. Just like, this is what's happening. I like it. I want to connect with you and not be so hung up on like. Perfect performance, polished every possible place.

[B]

See, that's what I'm saying. Perfect performance, polished every possible place. That's what you were saying in the green room.

[A]

Perfect performance, polished every possible place. Perfect performance, polished in every possible place. White, white damp cloth. Perfect performance, polished every possible place.

[B]

He's giving birth to his show. Everyone stand back.

[A]

It's a new hour.

[B]

He's gonna die in the process.

[A]

Perfect. Who plays Hootie in the hoodie and the Blowfish biopic? I stole your game.

[B]

That's. I can't do that.

[A]

Because of the racial implications?

[B]

No, because of how young I am.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Or how old I am. I don't know how to. In the Blowfish.

[A]

You don't know how to.

[B]

I mean, I know. Let her cry. Tears fall down like rain.

[A]

And the guitarist looks like the guy who's in Better than Ezra and also the guy that was. And they all look the same. Breakfast at Tympani's. They all look like that guy. White V neck, skinny, curly blonde hair. Put them, Joe Put them up on screen. All three that I just said. Because I'm right.

[B]

Put them, Joe.

[A]

Put them, Joe. When the tears fall down like rain Put them, Joe.

[B]

So they can all feel my pain and put them, Joe.

[A]

And if you walk right down on me and if the sun comes up tomorrow Put on Joe. Put on Joe. Do you think Rick Glassman is somewhere and he just feels weird?

[B]

I think blood's filling his penis. Definitely.

[A]

He's touching his wanger.

[B]

His tube is getting filled.

[A]

He's thinking, oh, he's getting a boner.

[B]

He's hearing us sink.

[A]

Cuz he loves you and he loves me. And here we are together.

[B]

We should do a bad prank on him.

[A]

You know who I think he sounds like?

[B]

Who?

[A]

D.C. dane Cook. I think he sounds like Dane Cook.

[B]

Oh, I never thought.

[A]

Sounds like he swallowed Dane Cook. So if you're Ever looking for a off the cuff.

[B]

Oh, I never thought of that.

[A]

It's not a burn. And then one time we. We're gonna call Dane Cook. And Dane did not want to do that. You were on the air, did like an on air call and he was like, I can't do this right now. It was like really funny.

[B]

Why was it?

[A]

I think he was at an airport or something. He's like, I can't be on your podcast right now. It was really funny.

[B]

Do you normally call people and surprise them?

[A]

I didn't do it. Rick Glassman did it. Oh yeah. Who's great? Love it. Love you, Rick Glass man. L, Y R G. He doesn't.

[B]

Pinky ponky, Daddy bought a donkey, donkey died, daddy cried. Inky, pinky ponky. That's how you can make choices sometimes in your life.

[A]

But it doesn't it always just. If it's three, it's the one you started on.

[B]

Well, it's not always three, is it? Sometimes it's two.

[A]

It's not always three, is it?

[B]

And I know it's free. Is it?

[A]

And I know it's three. Make up a new cook. Nice line.

[B]

If you had to pick a new accent for the rest of your life and if anyone ever said, is that accent fake? You get shot in the back of the head. What would you choose?

[A]

Like, I have to do an authentic one. Yeah.

[B]

For the rest of your life.

[A]

Boston.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

It's where I'm from.

[B]

It is, yeah.

[A]

You can't tell, cuz I look real Connecticut, don't I? Do you want a muffin? Don't I look Connecticut?

[B]

Is that what Connecticut people say?

[A]

Do you want a muffin? Connecticut Muffin Company. They're big. Or Iowa. I look kind of Midwest. You, you could be British if you were like, I know.

[B]

Oh, you think I'm back. I'm British. Like company kind.

[A]

You're like, like, I don't know.

[B]

This bloke was like, lot talking to me and I was like, that's pretty good. Like that.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. We might need a little duolingo.

[B]

Yeah, we'll do a little.

[A]

Just a little for both of us.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But I think I. Well, when I go home, I do a Boston accent the whole time and no one ever says, are you doing.

[B]

You're doing it as a joke.

[A]

Yeah. And I've said this on stage before. I go, there's nothing lonelier than the fact that my mom and my dad don't go, are you doing a bit the whole time?

[B]

I think I could do that in Canada too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Toronto's a pretty good one, I don't think. A boot. Do you say boot?

[B]

A boots story tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So do your biopic thing. Look at. There are bicycle playing cards right there, by the way. We could get out the Bob Dylan's.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's the only card. That's the official.

[B]

Why do you have those on display?

[A]

I love. I like cards.

[B]

What's your favorite card game?

[A]

I like card. Whoa. That's a good question.

[B]

And you know a card trick?

[A]

Well, I love card checks. Yeah.

[B]

Magic.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I don't like doing them. Oh, I know, it's weird. I like practicing them.

[B]

But you don't like showing myself.

[A]

Because I get really adrenalized by it. It's really. It makes me like, shaky and scared. Like I'm not chill about it.

[B]

So you wouldn't do it on the podcast?

[A]

I wouldn't really do it on the podcast necessarily.

[B]

After. Can you show me one?

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, but it would make. It's gonna make me nervous. Like when I watch, like David Blaine and all those, and they're real calm. I'm like, oh, my God, what are they?

[B]

They're like. They're like. They're like. Now cut open the orange on your counter and you'll find a card in there.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

And then they're half asleep.

[A]

That's their heart.

[B]

Whose heart?

[A]

David Blaine. He's so chill. That's the magic trick. That's like the prestige. You think the trick is that your card is in.

[B]

The trick is that you're cloning yourself and drowning yourself in water.

[A]

Or is he? You ever get lost in some prestige theories on online.

[B]

No. Tell me.

[A]

There's a lot of prestige theories.

[B]

What could possibly be the theory? They showed us what was happening, but.

[A]

Then over Michael Caine's voiceover, he's like. But you don't really say the trick, do you? You don't want to know. But we don't say the trick. What you see at the end of the procedure is a lot of dead bodies and tanks, presumably.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you only see one Hugh Jackman. So there's a lot of theories that are like, that's not what was happening. You need to watch it again.

[B]

Tell me what's not. What do you think? What's happening then?

[A]

I'm with you. I think it is that. But I'm also a dope, Pete.

[B]

How could it be anything?

[A]

Also that David Bowie isn't Tesla. That the other guy, Smeagol, is Tesla. That's a fun one. I don't know. You're gonna have to click on a link, but then your YouTube is gonna just be only prestige theories. Only Michael Kane.

[B]

Michael Kane.

[A]

Michael.

[B]

He's saying, my cocaine, My cocaine, My.

[A]

Cocaine, my cocaine, my cocaine, my cocaine, my cocaine.

[B]

Whose cocaine is that?

[A]

Michael Kind. Oh, it's Michael Caine's beer can in a British accent. Beer can is bacon in a Jamaican.

[B]

One of my favorites, bacon in Jamaican.

[A]

This episode is brought to us by our friends at Modern Mammals. You probably see me all over the Internet talking about modern mammals. Why? Because I legit, absolutely did a backflip. Well, not legit. I emotionally did a backflip when I discovered them. I just saw it on an ad on Instagram and I tried it. They said they made a shampoo that's like a non shampoo that washes your hair and kind of leaves it with the texture of like you just got back from a day at the beach. Meaning it stays in place. Meaning it keeps the natural oils in your hair. Meaning you don't have to fill it with products to make it do what you want. Just kind of lays and has that flow like you haven't washed it, but it's clean. Sounded too good to be true. So I tried it and I absolutely flip. I tried it. I loved it. I reached out to the company, I said, we got a partner up and boom, here we are. I can't stop talking about modern mammals. My strategy for so long was just don't wash your hair. Made my hair really gross. My wife was like, why is your hair like a grease trap at an Arby's? Because I want it to look good. Well, now I can clean it. It can feel clean. Comb goes right through it. Hand goes right through it. It is clean, but it is not shampooed. Shampoo fries, it's and dries. It makes it all poofy. Modern Mammals has your hair perfect every single time in about 30 seconds. It's the real deal. People text me all the time. Friends text me all the time. Is it the real deal? I'm like, yes. Over 40000 guys have switched and once you try it, you will be hooked for life. They are a small grassroots company and I am thrilled to be a part of the team modern mammals.com weird. You can get a special combo deal where you get the bottle and the bar. The bar is the plastic free version. The bottle is more of a traditional shampoo style. Both of them for $44. That's a special price. Modern mammals.com weird. Give it a try. If you like it 1/10 as much as I do, you're gonna your pants. We're also brought to us by our friends at Element. Element has replaced my morning cup of coffee because there is something about hydrating, flooding every cell of your body with the optimum ratio of sodium, potassium and magnesium. These are electrolytes flooding into you while the sodium is electrolyte flooding into your system and making you feel fantastic. Firing up your brain, firing up your body, helping prevent cramps and muscle aches and just getting ready to go. I thought I wanted coffee in the morning. Turns out I want hydration. And healthy hydration isn't just water. It's water plus electrolytes. If you grew up in the 90s like me, that usually meant like a flat red soda filled with sugar. They have hydration supplements now. They're filled with so much sugar, as much sugar as a can of Coke. Coke Element is not like that. It's hydration and no bs. It's sweetened with stevia, so it does have a flavor. Or you can get the unflavored kind if you're that way. I like the watermelon salt. It tastes great. So I end up drinking more water anyway. But it has no sugar, no bs, Just the magnesium, the sodium and the potassium that you need to feel fantastic. So go to drinklmnt.com weird and use promo code weird. You get a free sample pack of every single flavor that they have. Have. So no matter what you order, you will get every single flavor that they have. Try the chocolate salt. I love it. I pour it in my smoothie sometimes. It's fantastic. It's a 14 value. Also, when you're there, try their 16 ounce sparkling cans of Element. It's amazing and people love them whenever they come by my house. So go to drinklmnt.com weird that's drink lmnt element lmnt.com weird. Support your hydration. Support this show. So you don't. You're going to do Rick Glassman's podcast, which is a tour de force of riffing. And he'll go, oh, he'll go. And he can't be stopped when I do it. And Rick, Rick knows this. I go, we got two hours. I can't go longer than two hours.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because one time I did it three hours and I think I was depressed for a week.

[B]

Like, I also had the same effect of smoking a lot of weed.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well done.

[B]

You used up all of your.

[A]

I used all my trifle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I go home, and I have no riffs left for my family.

[B]

Well, wow. It must be such a pity for your wife.

[A]

Well. And my beautiful daughter. My cocaine. So you don't have any. Big show. Big improv show. Big Groundling show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lorne Michaels is gonna be there. You don't have, like, a meal you go to. You don't. You don't go, like, let me have my coffee 30 minutes before I go on stage.

[B]

No. My God. Why would I do that? I drink coffee in the cup. Coffee's for the morning and. Not again. Yeah.

[A]

No coffee before your show.

[B]

No. Why would I do that? No. Because the show.

[A]

Caffeine bubbly.

[B]

Well, that's because.

[A]

Not a sponsor.

[B]

Listen, improv, those are. Shows are thrilling and fun, and I don't need to be pepped up for them. This, on the other hand, snooze fest. Give me that caffeinated bubbly so I don't fall asleep on Pete's couch.

[A]

Not a sponsor.

[B]

No. This is thrilling, too, but this. Actually. I didn't know had.

[A]

You didn't have to listen.

[B]

I didn't know this bubbly had caffeine in it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I was in the mood for a bubbly, and I grabbed it out of the fridge and went, oh, it's caffeinated. And then Katie can attest, I went, I'll go for it. But I didn't really want it to be caffeinated.

[A]

I understand. So how.

[B]

Because, you see, you are caffeinating enough for me.

[A]

I like that. And you're saying improv is caffeinating enough for you. Like, you still enjoy it.

[B]

Coffee in the afternoons is for, like, a meeting or a writing session, Something.

[A]

That'S kind of a drag. Yeah, I understand.

[B]

So you have coffee before a show?

[A]

Before I do stand up, I drink a magic mind 50. I mean, I'm a dork 15 minutes before I go out.

[B]

You drink a magic blind and alpha brain.

[A]

And I usually take two Advil to get my body loose. I'm a dork.

[B]

You're, like, treating yourself like you're some sort of Olympic athlete.

[A]

I do like Michael Phelps. Please.

[B]

And do you have to get your massage person to kind of stretch your ham bones out?

[A]

Touch my. Dang.

[B]

Your balls, of course. Which, as we know, is balls.

[A]

No, I. I don't know where I got. I think I. I'm a. Look, don't let this podcast be about me. But I'm so. So much of my performance requires me to Be in a certain mood. So I was in a bad mood today. My daughter yacked in the bed last night. So I know, it was so sad. She got up at midnight and just yacked on Valerie, and now we're, like, both kind of covered in yak, and there's yak on the ground. I love calling it yak, by the way. It's the funniest one. I told that to her, by the way. Leila is her name. I go, maybe the funniest way to say you barfed is to say I yak. Just in case you want to tell people that you yacked. And we're moving the sheets and, like, she needs to get in the. In the tub because she, like, she's sore. All this stuff. So, like, my sleep got interrupted. And then all day, Leela was obviously home from school. And, like, then the day that I had planned for myself starts slipping away. And that can start not being with my daughter, but that starts making me grumpy. All the things that I wanted to get done go away. And then I know I have this. And then Val had a hair appointment. This is almost over. Had a hair appointment, and then I left at a point, at a time. Remember, I texted you or emailed you to be like, I'm going to be late. So I start getting frustrated.

[B]

It's crazy how many times you promised.

[A]

Me this was almost over, this story.

[B]

Yeah, you said it three times already, but it's still not over.

[A]

What I really mean by that is, like, I'm aware this isn't that great.

[B]

But then don't promise that it's almost over.

[A]

Yeah, but I like a false promise if it. If it makes you feel comfortable.

[B]

So do you do that in your whole special every, like, 30 seconds ago. This is almost over. It's almost over.

[A]

You know what's a great special title? It's almost over. This is almost over. It's a great.

[B]

Because it's a special title. A double entendex.

[A]

Like, my career, my life, the world. The world. You went right to the world.

[B]

Okay, so you were grumpy because. And. And by the way, I was enjoying the story. I was just being a little shit.

[A]

No, I loved every second.

[B]

So. So you're grumpy before this, but now.

[A]

You don't see grumpy anymore because I turned it around. But a lot of my life to.

[B]

Advil, your Alpha Gettys and your magic mind.

[A]

Alpha Gettys, which is the pasta form of magic mind and Alpha brain together. I actually didn't take My alpha brain. Because we just came in quickly. It doesn't matter. But I listened to Yacht Rock on the way down. That's a thing I took.

[B]

What's your favorite yacht rock song?

[A]

You just say Apple. Apple play yacht?

[B]

Yeah. Do you have a song on the playlist that comes up that you like?

[A]

I mean, what's the one from Boogie Nights? Because it played and I turned it so up where it's like, I woke up yesterday. It's the organ.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I see wh. William H. Macy with the key.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Magnolia. You know what I'm talking.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

But you don't know Magnolia.

[B]

I know William H. Macy.

[A]

Okay, then you're close enough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But anyway, I'm rocking out.

[B]

That's a really good one.

[A]

Or Goodbye Baby, and it's by. Oh, people are yelling. It's called Peanut in the Sunshine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But that. That turned my mood around. But that was. I don't. Look, I'm gonna forgive myself. I was just gonna say I don't like this about myself. That's not really true. I've made peace with this.

[B]

I don't like this about myself. I love this.

[A]

I love this about myself. Well, I'm just a person that's like, look, I'm a little pinched. I got yacked on. I didn't get good sleep. And then all day, nothing I wanted to do got done. So I'm a little upset. Didn't have any coffee. Got a coffee on the way. Blah, blah, blah. I'm pinched. I want to be on point for Lisa. And then I have my show after this, and I'm like, I'm gonna listen to yacht rock. But I don't just, like, listen to yacht rock. And I envy people that just listen to yacht rock. Everything that I do is to affect or dissuade a mood, to increase a mood, or. It's all very data from Star Trek the Next Generation.

[B]

You don't think we're all out here doing that, just doing things to affect our moods?

[A]

I think some people just like yacht rock.

[B]

Yeah, but that's because they're like, I like this right now. It's gonna make me feel happier.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause and effect.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I know some people that are just like, it's Michael McDonald's. Fun.

[B]

Yeah, fun. Because maybe you need a little fun.

[A]

A friend of mine who I'm thinking of changed her last name to Green. And I said, why? And she said, I like the color. That's a different kind of person.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, that's the kind of person I'm friends with. This person, she's just putting on the music because it's fun.

[B]

Do you think Rachel Green and Phoebe Buffet are still friends? And do you think Buffet is spelt.

[A]

Like Buffet from Friends?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rachel Green.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was that Rachel's last name on Friend? Nice. Remember her butt on the COVID of Rolling Stone?

[B]

Pervert alert.

[A]

I just remember seeing it.

[B]

Her butt on the COVID of Rolling Stone.

[A]

It was like. Right. It was rising like the sun.

[B]

And what was she doing? Her face wasn't on it.

[A]

You don't remember that cover?

[B]

No.

[A]

I thought for sure you were gonna go instantly at the height of her butt. Her. I didn't even sexualize it. I'm just saying it was there.

[B]

Well, you touched it in the air.

[A]

Air touch is okay. It is the hoverhand of talking about a butt.

[B]

Can you air touch anyone you want? Do anything you want? I imagine to you right now.

[A]

I was like, that's really funny, but that's not allowed. What's her name isn't here. Jennifer Aniston is not. Not here.

[B]

But what if she watches this? She's gonna feel the air touch.

[A]

That's true. She's gonna be sicked out or deeply into it.

[B]

You said that you're gonna say deeply into it. Okay, so on the COVID of Rolling so much, she's laying on her belly.

[A]

Yeah, she's laying on her belly.

[B]

Butt was like a sunrise.

[A]

And she's turning like, you know this.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So she's turning.

[A]

It was a sneak. It was a sleeper butt.

[B]

What's she wearing?

[A]

Well, nothing.

[B]

Well, nothing. Of course. God, you are some kind of sick fuck.

[A]

I am not. She took an erotic or a sexy photograph. I'm just remembering it.

[B]

Oh, so just because a woman's body's out, means it has to be erotic?

[A]

Yeah. No, there are medical photos. There are medical photos? Yeah, they're medical.

[B]

And maybe that was what was on the COVID of Rolling Stone. She had a mole that she needed checked on her butt, and she sent that to her doctor, and their doctor.

[A]

Was like, I used to have a bit about this because I had to get my. Well, mole. No, there's. Sometimes you have to masturbate at a hospital and it's really hard to look at a pornographic image because it looks like they're. They're like, is this mole okay? Like, it looks like they're there for an exam.

[B]

Why? Just because the porno magazine is in the hospital, you think that they're and.

[A]

They have porno magazines in the. And it looks like you're looking through a medical catalog.

[B]

Maybe you were, babe. Maybe you had a little pamphlet. I think you had a pamphlet for melanoma and you were jack into it. Pete, I'm so scared for you. You're so stupid. You don't know how to live. I'm actually worried about you, buddy. So you had a pamphlet.

[A]

I have the skeleton hand. There's always a living skeleton in there.

[B]

Skinny girls.

[A]

Oh, man. Love them. Love a skinny. I don't even care if it's a girl. A skeleton is a skeleton. Those that are aroused by skeletons. Some of the most freewheeling people you'll ever meet.

[B]

You can tell the difference between a girl skeleton and a boy skeleton.

[A]

Because of the hips?

[B]

No, because the ribs are bigger. That's what tits are.

[A]

Tits are not ribs.

[B]

Yeah, they are, honey. They're big fat ribs.

[A]

How come you can be a gay man?

[B]

Because I am.

[A]

Yeah, they are, honey. They're not big fat ribs. They're milk ducks.

[B]

How would you know? You never touched it in your life.

[A]

Bag of sand.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

They're not ribs. And a boner's not a bone. It's blood.

[B]

And hips. I guess. Yeah. On a. On a skeleton. And it's littler. Or the medical word, I guess smaller.

[A]

Do you want to have children?

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Because that's the hips. They're very kind of break on the way out.

[B]

The hips break?

[A]

Yeah, Like a crab. Like eating a crab.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You ever eat a lobster?

[B]

Yeah, the doctor has one of those, like lobster crackers, but it's life size.

[A]

It's got a bib, but it's got a baby on it.

[B]

He's got a little knife and fork and he's licking his chops. This baby's about ready to go.

[A]

You dip the baby in butter.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

You squeeze a little lemon on it. Cut the umbilical cord. Deep fried. In. In cuts. It's calamari. That's what calamari is.

[B]

But you have to. You have to turn it into a little loop, though. You know what I heard? Some calamari is actually pig butthole.

[A]

I know. Did you hear that on npr? Yeah, because they did it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Remember? And no one could tell.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. I don't. I don't. With Carol Kilmar and calamari. I don't.

[B]

With caramel. Calamari.

[A]

Calamari. I was eating some calamari. Steven, Right? Oh, too young.

[B]

That sounded like someone else.

[A]

No, if you had.

[B]

Oh, Is it? Can I guess who that is? He sounds like the guy from the radio DJ from Reservoir Dogs. Is that who it is?

[A]

Yeah, that's the radio DJ from.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

That's exactly.

[B]

Okay. Well, that's what sounded like a good impression.

[A]

Well, slam dunk. It was a slam dunka.

[B]

Chugga ooga ooga, ooga chucka, ooga chucka I can't stop this feeling this feeling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Up next, from the sounds of the 70s.

[A]

Up next, from the sound of the 70s.

[B]

Oh, that was good.

[A]

You should be that guy who's your fave impression. He. Stephen and I did the show and I didn't. I have to do that impression very quietly. So it's hard to do because I'm shy. It's because I'm shy. It's not because it gets ruined if it's louder. It's because I'm shy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell me, what's your fave.

[B]

What do you mean? Favorite to do or favorite to hear? I have to say, first of all, I want to answer my own question, which was favorite to hear, which is actually Trump. I like hearing Trump impressions.

[A]

Are you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love doing a Trump impression, but after he won, there was a window where it wasn't fun anymore, but it's.

[B]

Fun again, and I like it when it's really deep and grovelly.

[A]

Make the impression fun again.

[B]

Make it deeper.

[A]

Sitting here with. Yeah, sitting here with Lisa Gilroy. She's wonderful, wonderful friend from Ontario.

[B]

You have to put your little claws like that.

[A]

Put the little claws up. Put them up. I have a clause in my contract. Gotta have claws.

[B]

I could listen to it for hours.

[A]

Santa Claus, the second Santa Claus, Martin Short. He's in it. Not very long short. He's a real pun heavy Trump.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Love a pun. I'm a pun dumpster can.

[B]

You do. Have to actually put your little finger.

[A]

This helps.

[B]

Okay. It helps you something.

[A]

But it's not even what he does. He does this. Yeah, I do this. It's more like Chef Trump put in a little Parmesan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I think. Do you think the real question. Do you think Trump ever wakes up and he's just like. Like, he's just like, I gotta be Trump again.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, totally.

[A]

Like. Like, there's that classic story. Michael Jackson came in a room, he didn't know anyone was in there, and he said.

[B]

He. He.

[A]

Yeah. What's weird is he just went.

[B]

He.

[A]

He was still him. No, the story goes that he. Someone was, like, sitting in a room. No, neverland Ranch lights are off. They're just kind of looking for some alone time. Michael Jackson comes in and they hear him go like, oh, fuck, no. Like, something just like that.

[B]

For real.

[A]

That's a real. That's a Neil Brennan fact check. We gotta, like, call Neil. Cause I'm sure he knows who it was who heard that. But it was like, oh, fuck, my face. I'm making it funnier. But you know, Trump, every once in a while, I always think of him pulling up his socks and he's like, oh, God.

[B]

But that sounds exactly like Trump.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

No, that's still Trump.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah, that would be surprising.

[A]

Oh, God, they tried to shoot me. He figured out a very funny way to. They tried. They shot me in the ear. Oh, did they? Do we have consensus on that? If a bullet hit his ear.

[B]

Yeah. It was blood.

[A]

Yeah. This is the end of the procedure all over again. All we saw was blood.

[B]

So you think they shot a gusher at his head and it exploded?

[A]

Red gusher. Beautiful red gusher. They put the juice inside the candy. Beautiful candy.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Sometimes you eat a shark bite, you're like, I'm thirsty. Gusher says, I got you, babe.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

It's the only hydrating candy. Remember Gator gum?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. That's 80s. Gatorade had a gum called Gator Gum.

[B]

Did it have electrolytes in it?

[A]

Do you remember it? Gator gum. You chew it while you run.

[B]

You chew it while you. Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And did it actually have electrolytes in it?

[A]

I don't know, Katie.

[B]

It says it helps quench thirst.

[A]

Wait. Helps present.

[B]

Helps quench.

[A]

Should be helped. Well, it's over. It's over when I'm in office. Oh, he'll be in office when this airs.

[B]

Do you think he'll bring gator gum back?

[A]

Gator gum for everybody. Look under your seats. Bernie, take off that winter coat. Bernie's there again. He invites him. Sit like the meme. Bernie.

[B]

Aw, Bernie.

[A]

He's abusing his power. We got Bernie sitting like the meme.

[B]

Made him bring his own folding chair.

[A]

Can you do drum?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Want me to try?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's. What should I say? What's a Trump thing to say?

[A]

Wonderful friend. Good friend. Beautiful friend.

[B]

Wonderful friend. Good friend. Wonderful friend.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I like that you realized that it wasn't going your way and then you started singing. That's comedy.

[B]

Is it? I thought I did an okay job.

[A]

That, and it was okay.

[B]

Okay. Thanks.

[A]

Beautiful friend. Beautiful, Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. What's your favorite one to do? That is my. Yeah.

[B]

My favorite one to do is probably, I don't know, Moaning Myrtle maybe.

[A]

Moaning what?

[B]

From Harry Potter. You know the girl that lives in the toilet. I'm Moaning Myrtle.

[A]

Nobody likes me. Very good.

[B]

Do you know her?

[A]

Jolly good.

[B]

Yeah, she lives in the toilet. She's a bit of a pervert too because she's a ghost. But she's in the men's bathroom so she do be getting pissed on.

[A]

And she likes to look at those.

[B]

Buttholes and she likes penises a lot because there's even a part where she's like, oh Harry. Like he's. He's like getting into some sort of like hot tub or something and she's in there and he's like look away, Myrtle. And she's like I don't want to look away, Harry. Like that.

[A]

Is that real?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Pervertus septorum.

[B]

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you were a pervert and you died and you got to be a ghost and you could see anyone naked whenever you want?

[A]

Yeah. Well that's. Flight versus invisibility. What's your answer? If I could give you the invisibility. Yeah, that's the pervert choice, how would you use respect? I think that's a great choice. Flying infinite boobs and butts and.

[B]

Okay, but that's not what I was going to use it for.

[A]

Well, it doesn't mean what I was going to use it for is gross. Oh, you just got. You're in trouble for sex shaming me. Listen, because I'm a pervert ghost and I can be pleased by what I want to be pleased by.

[B]

Perfect. Sound bite the forward to his book.

[A]

No, that's when late in life I try to become like a spiritual teacher and people are like this guy. Yes, I'm a perfect ghost and I can be turned on by whatever want to be tend under or a. Or the president.

[B]

But I. I would like to fly. I think it would be joyous and fun. But you know that if I try it, I'm going to get shot.

[A]

That's your issue.

[B]

Yeah. Don't you think you'll get shot?

[A]

Well, that's. I like the way you're thinking about this. Cuz if you fly, it's a looky L. You want attention. The fly.

[B]

No, no, I'm not flying for attention. But someone's going to say you're going to get attention. See, I would like to be both. If I was invisible and I could fly, I'd be Flying all the time. But I can't be just this visible woman flying through the air. I'll get killed. Someone will shoot me.

[A]

Who's shooting you?

[B]

Someone. You know someone's gonna shoot me.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm. I'm like, I'm. I'm hot for a theory.

[B]

Like, Okay, I don't know, Jones and.

[A]

Like, is it the government?

[B]

Yeah, the government. Or because they want to study you, maybe someone with a gun that doesn't believe in, like, Satanism or something?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a drone in New Jersey.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. Did we figure that out?

[B]

And you're a drone because you're droning on right now.

[A]

Well, have a sip of your caffeinated bubbly and wake the. Wake the up.

[B]

Okay, but if. How. Let me ask you this. If you chose it, if you chose invisibility, how would you use it to benefit your career?

[A]

Great question, I guess. How would you use it to benefit your career?

[B]

The only thing I can think of right now is like, if you were in an audition room or something. No, but I don't think that would help. I wouldn't.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's it.

[B]

No, I don't think it is. I don't think it is.

[A]

No, you did it. You would walk.

[B]

No, I didn't.

[A]

Your answer was no, I didn' here's why. Your answer was great. But I. Can I jut in.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

Because I actually think it was a brilliant answer.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Every time I've auditioned for something and then I don't get it, and then I watch it and then I see what another actor did, I go, oh, I could have done that, but I don't have the skill of the interpretation and the take.

[B]

Oh, so you want to be invisible, Sit in the audition room, watch other films. Watch, like 10 people go and hear. And every time they go, thank you, they leave and they go, oh, he was just like, way too hamming it up. They're not getting it. They need to play it down to earth. And then by the time you go, like, he's our dream boy, how do you read our mind?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he read our minds.

[B]

Okay, but. So I was thinking, though, it might put you in your head and make you lose all of your Pete Holmes magic.

[A]

Yeah, it certainly would.

[B]

Because then he. They come in like, why is this guy acting like he just heard all of the notes we gave to everyone else?

[A]

Yeah, really, they should just tell you. In a good audition, they should just tell you exactly what they're looking for. And sometimes they do because you know.

[B]

What would happen to me? I would listen in, hoping to get some tidbits, and. But instead I just hear like, yeah. So we're going to give this to Mod Apatow, right? Yeah. Yeah, we are. Okay. Well, let's just see the next girl anyway. Anyways. That wouldn't help me.

[A]

SAG says we have to show. See how many people.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

15, right? God damn it. Get Lisa Gilroy in here.

[B]

Yeah, I guess. At least that would help my nerves. Then I wouldn't be nervous anymore.

[A]

And then you could go and give them. No.

[B]

Yeah, and then maybe next time they'd be like, let's call that girl that wasn't ever nervous.

[A]

That one that gave. No. Yeah, but how would you use it? Centrally? That's. I mean, that's a trap. You can't really answer that. Can I. Can I put this to you instead?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Would you be interested in walking around the world?

[B]

No, I think I'd like to fly or take a car.

[A]

What you did was. You answered before I was done.

[B]

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize there was more to the question. You talk so slow. It's crazy.

[A]

We're gonna freeze the world.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it can be any day.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You can pick the day. Ooh, this is even better.

[B]

Tuesday.

[A]

Yeah, but you can be like, Tuesday in 1985.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

We're gonna freeze the whole world, and you get to go around. It's effortless for you to travel. You can go through walls and you get to just see what everybody was doing at 3pm on Tuesday in 1985.

[B]

What's the question?

[A]

Would you like. Is that interesting to you?

[B]

Here, let me put this to you. You're a bubblegum princess, and you have a little dollop of whipped cream on your head, and you can fly, and everyone in the world belongs to you. And you're the mayor, I think. What do you think about that? Like, what kind of show is this? The stupidest question ever.

[A]

Question stand. That's a great question. Question. Because you. You get some of your perv stuff, cuz people are going to be boning. But you'd also get like, you know, these people are fighting. These people are robbing a bank. These people. This guy's taking a. And he's making a really funny face. It would be fun.

[B]

It's frozen. Okay. Yeah. The world is frozen.

[A]

Is that interesting? That's my question. Of course.

[B]

Is interesting to me.

[A]

All right.

[B]

But how can I use it? I can't take pictures or anything.

[A]

You want to use everything that we're doing how?

[B]

Basically, I just want to go see what my parents are up to.

[A]

What if they're boning? What if they're in a lurid 69?

[B]

Well, do I have to find them?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, I'd have to find where they lived and look for them in the house. Even though.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you'd have to look for them.

[B]

What if they're at work?

[A]

I don't know where they were working in 1985. Yeah, yeah, you'd have to find them. That would be a big day for you.

[B]

It would be a huge day.

[A]

You'd be like, dad, that would be huge, dude.

[B]

Can you imagine how much you'd cry?

[A]

You'd cry so much.

[B]

You just ball like a baby.

[A]

You'd cry so much. You'd see. It would be like living in a photograph. Now you're playing it, you know, like an old man, like, falling on the stairs. I'm not trying to be funny. It's kind of funny, though, because he's frozen. So you'd see him and you can't help him.

[B]

You can't help him.

[A]

You can't help him.

[B]

What would be the weirdest thing to see?

[A]

Definitely a bullet flying at somebody.

[B]

Or, you know, what you might see? I mean, if you froze the whole world, you will see this somebody stealing something, and they're like, middle. Like, their hands on someone's wallet in the back of their jeans. Like a.

[A]

Like, that's funny. That's the better answer. Bullet was too dark. I was going for just like, crime in process is better. Or a child putting a pornographic magazine up their shirt.

[B]

Everything will just look like a little joke. Like, it looked like a little joke vignette.

[A]

That's what I mean. So much of life is just trying to find an excuse to look at the present moment as if it's like a painting. And that would be the ultimate way of being like, oh, my God.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, right.

[B]

You know, LACMA had this exhibit where they used to have this old camera that could take pictures in, like, 3D or whatever. And not a lot of people had it, but they had this exhibit where you could look at the pictures and you can't. They're not framed. You have to look at them through, like. Almost looks like a. A. What's this? Microscope.

[A]

What's this? What's this? You're looking through it like a. What's this? A microscope? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you meant, though. You were looking for, like, an eye hole.

[B]

Not eye hole. No, it's truly like a microscope, but it's this way into the wall. And you have to look through, like, these little goggles. And you look in, and it is like seeing that. A moment frozen in time, really. They had a picture that I'll never forget. It was like an old man working in his garage that someone just in the family took. And you can see, like, sparks flying off this thing. And you can. And it's like depth, and it is a frozen moment.

[A]

That's what they were going for with that Apple Vision Pro, but. But I don't think it's gonna.

[B]

You don't think it's gonna take off?

[A]

I think it will in, like, 10 years when it's a pair of glasses. I had one. I sold it.

[B]

You had the Vision Pro?

[A]

I was depressed in Canada.

[B]

You sold it already? It's only been out for, like, a year, isn't it?

[A]

I had it for, like, three months.

[B]

You're the richest little saddest boy in the world.

[A]

Just a rich, sad boy.

[B]

Who do you.

[A]

I was depressed. I was alone in Winnipeg and I bought it for the thriller.

[B]

Were you shooting a movie?

[A]

I was. I bought it and then I got it. I put it on, and as soon as I put it on, it was amazing. It was amazing. But then I was like. I brought on an airplane once, and I felt like a jackalope.

[B]

Oh, yeah, but you were sitting in first class. You probably blend right in. The pilot's even wearing one of those.

[A]

The pilot's, like, watching.

[B]

He's doing a simulation flight of, like, flying somewhere else, flying to Bermuda or something.

[A]

He's flying, but he's playing a flight simulator to pass pass the time. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. I was at the Comedy Store last night, and my friend Jamie Lee saw my Apollo Neuro and she said, what is that? That looks cool. And I told her, and she bought one with the promo code on the spot. What is the Apollo Neuro? It is a game changer. It is a revolutionary wearable that helps you naturally manage stress. It improves sleep and boosts focus through gentle, scientifically backed vibrations. Basically, signals to your nervous system that you are safe, that you are being held. Basically, it's ideal for those seeking a holistic approach to wellness. Apollo Neuro fits seamlessly into any routine. Like I says, it uses these specific vibration frequencies to signal safety to your brain, helping to calm your nervous system and promote relaxation. These silent, soothing sound waves gently calm your nervous system and by stimulating your sense of touch. Apollo Neuro Helps shift your nervous system system from fight or flight to rest and digest mode. Reducing stress and improving your overall well being. Control the device through the Apollo Neuro app on your phone where you can select different vibrations modes tailored for sleep, focus, relaxation and more. The one that I use it when I'm doing the podcast is called Joy and I absolutely love it. Calms the nervous system with soothing vibrations. Enhances deep and REM sleep for better rest. Helps you stay on task and improve concentration. Supports quicker physical recovery post exercise and it's a natural alternative to traditional stress relief methods. Nothing eaten, nothing in your body, just something on your body. Developed by neuroscientists and supported by clinical research. You can wear it on your wrist or your ankle and they even have flexible payments. You can get a 0% APR financing with a firm, which is incredible. So support your body, support your nervous system. You guys know I love my Apollo. So get it on your body. Now go to ApolloNeuro.com weird. It'll auto apply the code weird and you will get $60 off plus a free sleep band. $60 off in a free sleep band. We're also brought to us by our friends at Shakti Mats. You guys know I am nuts about my Shakti mat. What is a Shakti mat? It is basically lying on a bed of nails. No, I'm not joking. It is thousands of tiny spikes on a mat. A high quality handmade mat that what release muscle tension, boost circulation and help melt away stress. It's also just a great gift idea for people that are hard to shop for. I'm obsessed. Sure I love sauna. Sure, I love exercise. Sure I love massage when I'm feeling tense and stressed out. But I can't always do those things and I don't always want to shell out the bread for those things. Having a Shakti mat is like having a masseuse that lives in your house. You roll it out, you lay on it and the stress just melts away. It's also kind of novel and fun in a world that can be a little boring, a little predictable. Roll out a mat of spikes and lay on it. At first it's like cold exposure therapy. It's a little bit shocking, it's a little bit wild. But every time I use my Shakti mat, I fall asleep because it's deeply relaxing. Gets those knots worked out, gets the circulation flowing and it's. It is so. It's like hypnosis. It lulls you into into a very melty, dreamy state. It is like deep tissue Work on demand. I've tried other acupressure mats. They're nowhere near as high quality as a Shakti mat, and they are made handmade in India by people that are paid fairly. So this is a wonderful company. Get deeper sleep, stress relief, muscle relaxation and better circulation, mental clarity and just a general sense of well, being, being whenever you need it. With shock D mats, go to shock dmat.com. use code weird25 for 25 off. That's S H-A-K-T-I-M-A-T.com and use code weird25. All right, back to the show.

[B]

Do you believe in the Bermuda Triangle? Do you think it has magic properties?

[A]

I mean, there's a lot of. A lot of pickles getting nickeled over there.

[B]

Do you think it's real?

[A]

Do you probably ever see a ghost?

[B]

No, but I heard a ghost.

[A]

That counts.

[B]

Did you ever see a ghost?

[A]

Don't ask me why, because when people do that, I tell the story that people have heard before.

[B]

Okay, don't tell it. Are you a Christian?

[A]

No.

[B]

Used to be. Yeah, I know. You did? When did you stop?

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Yeah, that's why I knew, because for a while I was like, oh, being a Christian isn't lame. Pete Holmes is a Christian.

[A]

Yeah, well, I love Jesus. Sorry, is that still. Well, yeah, but, I mean, Christians will not claim me. I think Jesus realized the same thing that. That other realized beings realize.

[B]

Wait, what? How. How can you say this? You. You love Jesus, but you're not a Christian.

[A]

I know.

[B]

How can that be?

[A]

Well, because you want. I'll do it real fast.

[B]

That's actually crazy. That's like me being like, I hate black people, but I'm not racist.

[A]

Well, Jesus doesn't preach redemption or what is it called, Atonement theory. Atonement theory comes much later. So.

[B]

Atonement, starring Keira Knightley.

[A]

And look, if you're going to serious theological question.

[B]

Sorry. Well, can't I pepper in a little fun?

[A]

Can't I drop the mic on it? Of course you can. I don't. I don't like atonement theory. I don't like what we did with Jesus, which is atonement theory, which is the idea that he died for your sins. That's like the classic, so you've made.

[B]

Up your own little wonky world.

[A]

Jesus is preaching it. So he's explaining.

[B]

Jesus is saying, I never died.

[A]

What?

[B]

Oh, I thought this is what you're saying.

[A]

No, he died.

[B]

Oh, but you think it's not to atone for our sins. He thinks he just died regular style.

[A]

Jesus says the things that I do. You'll do far greater things than these. He says the kingdom of heaven is in you. It doesn't arrive by expectation. It's already here.

[B]

So do you believe he was the son of God?

[A]

Or you just believe Jesus Christ is the only son of God and so am I, and so are you. I forget who said that, but that's. That's the message.

[B]

I never heard that before. Jesus is the only Son and so am I. And so are you.

[A]

Yeah. Now we're riffing. We're still talking how we've been talking the whole time, but we're talking like heavy theology.

[B]

But is that okay?

[A]

Oh, of course. When he says I and the Father are one, I think he means the same I that is you. Because there's only one eye, there's only one awareness.

[B]

I'm glad you stopped smoking weed. I mean, I can barely handle your sober brain, right?

[A]

Can you imagine me on ketamine?

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm a lot of fun, actually.

[B]

You are?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Because I. I got a big old body. So if you give me like a tranquilizer, you really throw it around. Oh, man. Any way to take that? I just think, like, I'm fun if you can like get me to loosen up this big honking bod. You know what I mean? It's heavy. So if you give me something that makes me not have a body, like, I get very funny.

[B]

But you're like so loosened up right now. I mean, look at you. You draped over this couch like a fur blanket.

[A]

Like a towel on a treadmill.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cheers. Sometimes a riff deserves a cheers. Anyway, I'm just saying this whole idea that Jesus needed to be tortured and murdered to change God's mind about us, I think that's not. That's wide of the mark.

[B]

So he just got tortured and murdered by accident?

[A]

Well, he got tortured and murdered.

[B]

Bad luck.

[A]

Well, like the. The socio political implications. To sound fancy of why Jesus was murdered is kind of like asking why the Civil War happened. We could say slavery. We could say slavery and end the conversation. Or we could say Jesus was blasphemous and ended. There are other things going on for sure and I'm not an expert in any of this, but I don't like the idea. So. Richard Rohr, 1. One serious note that my Franciscan father, who I love very dearly, he said Jesus didn't die to change God's mind about us. Jesus died to change our mind about God. So he Died to show us. If you know who you really are, death isn't a big deal. You can even crucify me, you can torture me, but if you have a sense of what you are, which is a piece of eternity, you can't really hurt me. That's the message. He's changing our mind about God and that God is involved in our suffering and that God is involved in the dirt and the grit. It's not like, where was God when this horrible thing happened? It's like, yeah, that's the whole thing. This whole thing is God Goding itself.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Now you want to do some gaming?

[B]

Dude, that's crazy, man.

[A]

So it's not separate, but why do.

[B]

You think it's so serious?

[A]

Which part?

[B]

This part. What are you talking about?

[A]

Oh, I just said my Richard Rohr quote was, like, bit free. That's all I meant. I was just like, I'm now since earnestly quoting a Franciscan.

[B]

Does it help you in your comedy to, like, what's your big takeaway? Like, when you live your life and you do your stuff, what do you think of, like, what's your, like, mantra?

[A]

That's a great question. Before I go on stage, I borrowed one from Mike Birbigliego. I bring magic from the heavens and I bring stories from the earth. That's a good one. I like that a lot, lot.

[B]

You know, that makes you feel chill.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It gives you a sense of purpose and you're only entertaining yourself.

[B]

It's all just us, right?

[A]

It's all just us. So if I can make us less afraid and more alive and more connected, more joyful, that's way better than me scoring and winning. That's what I mean. When I go on stage, I'm really trying to go, like, it's just God's dream. Let's have a good dream.

[B]

Okay, so that's what. That's more like what I meant, like just God's dream. Like, oh.

[A]

Summarize the whole thing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You could say this. This is. This is all God's dream. Or this is the dream of the only awareness there is. Let's make it a good one. That's a good mantra.

[B]

And you're allowed to say as much as you want.

[A]

Yeah. Love God and do what you want.

[B]

Love God and you see, now you're suddenly filled with them.

[A]

Yeah, I know you gotta get going. You gotta prime me. But that's. I always get that wrong. I think that's St. Augustine. He said, love God and do what you will. Yeah. Because if you love God, chances are I'm not going to steal from you, and I'm not going to hit you, and I'm not going to hate you.

[B]

You've hit me. You've tried to hit me about 14 times in this podcast. My darling. My darling.

[A]

But what do you believe? Everybody knows what I believe. It's a snooze.

[B]

Oh, it's a snooze.

[A]

I don't think it's a snooze. I love it. It brings me to life. I love talking about it constantly.

[B]

I'm happy for you that you still believe in that.

[A]

But all I'm saying that I believe in is that you are having the experience right now of. Of being right. Like, yes, you are right. Like, you would say, I am.

[B]

I'm. I am the great I am.

[A]

Well, you are. And then thought superimposes the idea that you have an I am and I have an I am. But Rupert Spiro would say in the same way that there's a space in this room and then there's a space in your kitchen. There's a seeming difference, but it's the same space. It's the same emptiness. It's in the. The Dao de Ching, too. We. We like the vase, but it's the empty space inside that gives it. Makes it. Makes it a vase. Yeah, exactly. So we forget the empty space in the same way that we forget awareness. You got me really explaining it now.

[B]

Do you go to church, or do they not allow your ass over there?

[A]

My cute answer is, you go. You're never supposed to leave church. Church is a state of reverence or presence, Pete.

[B]

You could start a cult.

[A]

Have you thought about it?

[B]

Have you thought about it? Think of how quickly you snapped into this.

[A]

I know. I love it.

[B]

It's crazy. Is this your whole vehicle is just to do comedy and get known so that one day if like, one.

[A]

Hey, hey, come here.

[B]

Listen to this.

[A]

Well, I do think it's weird. No, I don't think it's weird. I think different strokes are different folks, for sure. But I, since I was a kid, have been like, what is going on here? And I. And I'm obsessed with not knowing, but participating.

[B]

Is this why you made it weird? You always make it weird. Weird.

[A]

This is one of the ways I make it weird. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, interesting. It was definitely getting weird.

[A]

But I have been trying to get you to talk because then it would be less weird, because then it would be your beliefs, and then you don't feel weird about your own Beliefs.

[B]

Oh, well, I don't feel weird about my beliefs. I. I think I used to be a Christian and I'm not anymore. I thought that it was. I mean.

[A]

And what did that mean, being a Christian? Believing that Jesus died for your sins and they.

[B]

Yeah, because you believe and you say we're like. And believing that Jesus was the son of God. And now I feel as if I've been tricked and manipulated.

[A]

Manipulated by the church?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In what way?

[B]

I just think the Bible feels like it was written by some guys to control everyone. That's what it feels like to me.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Now I'm kind of like, love God and do what you want, but just the do what you want part.

[A]

Right. Yeah, you could.

[B]

I just got too sad about it. Like, I think. I can't. It's not redeemable to me anymore. Even this, like, is nice to hear what parts you're, like, picking and choosing.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That work. But I think I've. I have fully thrown the baby out with the bathwater water.

[A]

Baby Jesus.

[B]

I've thrown baby Jesus out with the.

[A]

And that's. I. I have. You don't need me to say this, but I have no agenda for you to, like, claim it. I get really invigorated when I go because I walked away from my Christianity as well. And then I went into, like, psychedelics and Ram Dass and then I found the Dao de Ching and then I found all these other things. And then I found Rupert Spira and Non Duality. And then I get a real psychedelic started all this. Oh, yeah. And then I get a real. Out of going back back. It does. Because psychedelics don't just show you, you know, a clown doing a backflip in a rainbow waterfall. It shows you that with which you are seeing. Does that make sense? It manipulates awareness.

[B]

How often do you do that?

[A]

Not often at all. I haven't. I haven't done a proper dose of mushrooms in years.

[B]

Oh, mushrooms?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In years.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So just one time. You up this bad?

[A]

No, no, I've done it a dozen times, probably.

[B]

Oh, how. What was the amount you hit that made you believe all this?

[A]

The amount of mushrooms?

[B]

Yeah. So I can warn myself before I get to it.

[A]

It's so funny. But neither of us need. Now you do have me trying to, like, win you over.

[B]

Well, I know there's a whole baptism tank out there that you were like, you were joking about pushing me in on the way out.

[A]

I love it. You just. Just think of it as a cleansing.

[B]

Like, it's clearly a baptismal tank, but it's labeled hot tub with just a.

[A]

Piece of printer paper with holy water. I'm just talking about what's looking at your eyes right now. Like who or what is aware of your experience, you know?

[B]

Have you listened to the telepathy tapes?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Would that blow your mind?

[A]

Well, that's very in line with my beliefs.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Well, that just made me think of it when you said people was looking out your eyes.

[A]

Exactly. When they share consciousness. So these are people that have recognized that there's a space in a room. But the space in this room and the space in my house is the same space. So I'm going to gonna go into your space and you're gonna come into mine. It explains a lot of phenomena. Maybe not the Bermuda Triangle.

[B]

Maybe perfectly explains the might. The people went from one space, bopped into another space.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Especially if time and space and matter don't exist. If it's all just a dream, even weirder things should be happening for sure.

[B]

Matter don't matter and leave space for space. Want me to make you a little T shirt?

[A]

Matter don't matter.

[B]

Matter, don't matter and leave space for space.

[A]

What's this?

[B]

What's this? Wait.

[A]

Hey, you have to look at one of these. What's this?

[B]

Look at me. What's this?

[A]

So you were burned. So we're similar in that. I was very disillusioned and sort of heartbroken and kind of felt robbed of my right to participate in the big questions of life because the church had taken a big dump in the pool.

[B]

Robbed of your Schneider? You.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Robbed of your Schneider.

[A]

I was El King. I just say the reference.

[B]

Well, it's just like you could say, like, El King of. Prince of Peace. Oh.

[A]

L. King of kings.

[B]

Yes. L, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

[A]

It was right there.

[B]

Glory hallelujah.

[A]

Have you ever. You don't need to do psychedelics. Well, that's what I was trying to say is you are having the most insane experience a person can have right now.

[B]

Which is sitting across from you.

[A]

No, no. Is the awareness of being aware. Like thinking about your own awareness, trying to, I don't know, dip into the sense of being. It's what happens when you're looking at a sunset or in the middle of a. A hike or having. Making love or whatever. People lose themselves.

[B]

So really I almost don't have to do drugs because you've done so much that talking to you makes me feel like I'm on them it kind of does. No.

[A]

Nice. Well, you don't have to by any means. That used to. I. I might have have had that position before that. I was like, you got to do psychedelics. Yeah, but you don't. You absolutely don't. All you have to it, I would say just asking. It's enough to ask yourself, who or what is aware of my experience? Or what do I mean when I say I? Like, what do you mean when you say I? It's like there's a sense of continuity in your life. You know what I mean? Like, you arrived, but things come and go, right? So feelings come and go. Maybe you're feeling. This is kind of weird. Shows up. That's weird. That's there. Or the feeling of the couch on your butt. All this stuff. But like, what doesn't come and go? That's another holy question. What doesn't come and go?

[B]

My teeth. Well, what do you mean? What so funny?

[A]

Well, your teeth weren't always here. You were born without teeth.

[B]

You don't know me.

[A]

The baby comes out.

[B]

Somebody stop me.

[A]

So then, then. So you just lost it. When did you lose it?

[B]

That your fully around, like Covid time.

[A]

Oh, not that long ago.

[B]

Not that long ago. But that was like the final nail on the coffin. Final nail on the cross, even.

[A]

Or the big boulder covering the tomb.

[B]

Indiana Jones.

[A]

No, that's Jesus.

[B]

Indiana Jones on the Disney ride.

[A]

What?

[B]

On the Disney ride. Remember? When he's out running the boulder?

[A]

Well, that's something different from the movie.

[B]

It's also from the ride.

[A]

Okay, a lot of people know it from the movie.

[B]

Well, and a lot of people know it from the ride. Agree to disagree. But we're really getting into the theological debate now.

[A]

Okay, I think the ride is valid.

[B]

But like. Okay, so. So, yeah, I just thought. And then I was like, whoa. Everything just feels like I'm walking on.

[A]

Broken glass Walking on, walking on broken glass My darling, my darling, my darling, my darling.

[B]

That movie's. That song's not in the movie.

[A]

That song is not in love. Actually. No.

[B]

Name a song that is.

[A]

I can't sleep, I can't breathe until you're resting here with me. That's the song that plays after he leaves the apartment when he won't tell her that he loves her. And he does this. Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

[B]

No, the collapse. To me, you are perfect.

[A]

No, no, it's before her. They're in the apartment. They're watching the wedding video.

[B]

I look quite pretty, right?

[A]

They're all of Me.

[B]

They're all of me.

[A]

For very creepy reasons.

[B]

I look quite pretty.

[A]

Are you gonna have a wank to these? It's all implied in his weird sweater.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Then he leaves and he does the collapse.

[B]

Right. Oh, and that's what that plays.

[A]

That guy acts the. Out of that scene.

[B]

Oh, my God. Well, he's the zombie sheriff himself.

[A]

I know. And he. But before he was.

[B]

By the way, Kieran was like, 16 in that movie.

[A]

I know. I just found this out, too. You.

[B]

You know what? What other song is in it? I think is Rows and Flows of angels.

[A]

Yes, that's in there. But you've made my life.

[B]

Foolish guacamole.

[A]

I've been.

[B]

Remember when. When Alan Rickman says guacamole?

[A]

Going somewhere, Mr. Potter? Going. Going somewhere.

[B]

Our new celebrity.

[A]

Our new celebrity. By the hammer of Garth. No. Have you seen Galaxy Quest?

[B]

No. Galaxy Quest. Yes, I have got to watch it. Garfunkel the Gnarfok or whatever. Garfunkel the Garfok. Garfunkel the.

[A]

Yeah, in their concert in Central Park. It's a classic.

[B]

You know what I'm talking about in Galaxy Quest. It's your turn. You have to Garfunkel the Narthal talk. Something like that. It's not that. Those words, but.

[A]

I'm not on a quote level with it, but I do love that you brought it up. I did. Okay, good to know. Moving forward. Don't bring it up unless you're ready to drop some serious references. Fine.

[B]

I bet you got a lot of Bible quotes.

[A]

I don't know that many.

[B]

Do you believe in the Bible?

[A]

It's not really important to me.

[B]

What's your Bible?

[A]

Don't bring it back to that. That's where you want to go.

[B]

No, I just want to know, like, what's your favorite book?

[A]

Book? Being Aware of Being Aware by Rupert Sparrow. Oh, yeah. It's very short, too. Oh, I give you one. Read it. I actually wouldn't recommend you start there. Meaning. Not that it's like.

[B]

I love that you're like. It's very short. For a stupid little woman like you.

[A]

A stupid lady like you. You might want, like, an illustrated children's Bible.

[B]

Yeah. You know, like Precious Moments or something.

[A]

The Ark. Yeah, the classics.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Actually, you could.

[B]

Do you believe in hell?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, that's a relief, because I think I'll just start believing what you believe. Do you believe in heaven?

[A]

No.

[B]

Not in what happens after you die.

[A]

It's a great question.

[B]

Pitch Black or Pitch Perfect?

[A]

Wow. Usually I ask people what Happens when you die.

[B]

Oh. Is that part of the show?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

Nothingness.

[A]

But in a wonderful way, aware nothingness. You mean like. Like, Ooh, like the piece of the grave. Like taking off a tight shoe.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I think.

[A]

Well, that's what a disembodied being told ramdos death is like taking off a tight shoe. Or like sinking into a hot bath at the end of a long day of cold work.

[B]

I love to have a bath. And I love to sing a little song while the tub's filling up. Because the water's so loud, no one can hear me singing.

[A]

And the echo.

[B]

Yeah. But when the water's really going, there's not really a lot of echo. It's just. It's just like singing into the sound of the tub.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the. The voice gets lost, and it's wonderful.

[A]

Are you shy about your singing?

[B]

Yeah, I don't think I'm very good. I don't know. Let me try. Was that good?

[A]

That was so funny. That was the funniest thing that's ever happened. You did the Ariel.

[B]

Wow. And you pronounced Ariel like the crab does Ariel. Yeah, that was so funny. You did the Ariel.

[A]

Ariel Pecan. Why that crab Jamaican? Is he.

[B]

Because.

[A]

Yeah, he. No one else is live.

[B]

Maybe more in a tropical environment.

[A]

Isn't it a regional. They're all from the same area.

[B]

I don't really know where crabs come from. You would know. You have them all over your crotch. Right. When you do that. You're holding in the truth. Is that what you're doing?

[A]

I don't have crabs.

[B]

You fill your mouth with air as if, like, a secret is about to explode.

[A]

Like a dizzy galesse.

[B]

Like, keep it down. Keep it down.

[A]

It's. I don't know when that started, but it feels so good. It's like the loud. It's like edging a loud. It's like I could just let the whole.

[B]

Then you just swallow it. It'll make you sick. And then you're gonna yak all over.

[A]

Your bed like bubble gum. Yeah, Yak. Nice. Done. You know what that reminded me of? People are talking, talking. My people. Can you sing in your most sincere voice?

[B]

I just did. I did. Ariel.

[A]

That was your most sincere voice. I mean, probably a little bit. It was like 1% bet. Can you do. People are talking, talking about people in your most sincere voice. Voice. No. Bit. Bit free. I will also try.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Val made up this game, and you.

[B]

Have to sing this part of it.

[A]

We don't Always do this song. But I think this is a good choice.

[B]

Cuz you know what? Here's what's going to be hard for me. I know when Britney Spears sang this, she was a little girl.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

I think she did this at like a. Like a Mickey Mouse club or something. And she was very like gut. You know, she heard natural singing voices. Very deep.

[A]

Do you want to do it like that first?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Well, because I think that's how I'm going to be. Like, that would be my best way.

[A]

Of doing it, but. Okay, go ahead.

[B]

People are talking. Talking about people.

[A]

But that's a very effective voice.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

Nobody's saying it's not good, but I think even singers themselves are protecting us from the vulnerability of just people. Oh. It was like being naked for a second. I hated it.

[B]

You think singers are protecting us from their. I don't think so.

[A]

No.

[B]

I think that. That I think they are giving their pure vulnerability and that's what we love to hear.

[A]

Disagree. They're all doing a voice.

[B]

Well, Britney is.

[A]

They're all doing it. There's not one singer that you think.

[B]

Bob Dylan could sing a different way than how he.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Give me your People are Talking.

[A]

Mine. Yeah, I just did it.

[B]

No, but it was. I didn't get all of it though.

[A]

I'm gonna do. This is like. What I'm saying is it's zero. Like you're. It's an amp. Every. All the effects are set to zero.

[B]

Okay. So an effective taking off the reverb that you naturally would have.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Where you'd be like, people are talking. That's like. That's a lot of effects. We're talking. People are talk. That's so vulnerable.

[B]

It really is. It really is.

[A]

People are talking. Oh, talking about people. It hurts my feelings. This is involuntary. I'm not. That's not a bad. Yet. I'm like freaking out.

[B]

You're Stewart from Mad tv.

[A]

But they keep saying that. But I put a little twang on it.

[B]

You did.

[A]

Saying, saying. We laugh. It's too high.

[B]

I don't know any more words than that.

[A]

Just a little too loud. A little too.

[B]

Just a little too.

[A]

Now I'm gonna turn it down. No, no, that's more.

[B]

Just a little too home.

[A]

Maybe they something we don't. Darling, let's get on something.

[B]

Oh my God. Are you okay? Your face turned bright red. Buddy. Buddy. Hey.

[A]

Where was I?

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

I think Katie was just about to start rolling on the cameras. Are you good? To do the podcast us. If you. If you're not.

[A]

The bathroom. It's the one with.

[B]

Yeah, I just used it. Do you want to. We could do this another day.

[A]

I look at the clock and it is 4:00. Freaky deaky, freaky dey. Okay. Have you ever Nod it. Wait, when did you hear a ghost?

[B]

When I was coming up the stairs once. I was like 19, maybe 17. Kira Knightley, nightly, coming up the stairs. Kira.

[A]

I'm coming up the stairs nightly. Like, Kira.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Nicely done. Nightly.

[A]

I'm going.

[B]

Someone.

[A]

I'm going to bust a freestyle.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Can you turn up my snare? Go ahead. When did you hear this ghost?

[B]

I was a teenager and my sister's two years older than me. And we were in the home and our parents were sleeping. And I came back from something, like a party or something, and I was coming up the stairs and my sister was upstairs. And I heard literally like na na na na la. Like a little girl singing. And I came up to the top of the stairs. My sister came around the corner at the same time. We both were like, why the fuck are you singing? Shut up. Like that. Because we knew our parents were sleeping. And then we looked each other and then she grabbed me and pulled me into the bathroom and we slammed the door. And we both were like holding each other's shoulders, like, who. What was that? That's the only time I ever think I heard a ghost.

[A]

That's great. Any. Any. Any.

[B]

Oh, was that not good enough?

[A]

I loved it. Clip it.

[B]

I can make myself sound like I'm possessed by Satan. Do you believe in that?

[A]

I think that's a lot of like, neurological. But what are those? I think those are strange phenomenons.

[B]

If there's a Jesus, is there a bad guy? No, there's no bad guy to Jesus's good guy.

[A]

I mean, in the world of duality, as soon as you have light. Speaking of dark, what does up. Yeah, yeah, there they are. Being friends.

[B]

So.

[A]

Well, that's in this world. But that's not. That's not ultimate reality.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

In the dream, there's. There's bad guys.

[B]

So you don't think there's a Satan?

[A]

No.

[B]

Beelzebub.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I knew it. I knew you were a beasel lover.

[A]

Can't. Gotta give Bub Bub his buzz.

[B]

Yeah. Gotta give the. Gotta give the bezel his buzz.

[A]

This is like. Then we end up on Facebook. The videos on Facebook are so bad. It's like Peter Holmes pledges his allegiance to Satan. Like they do it as a joke. There's like a head. There's like a guy's head over the. This is the video. And he's ahead and he's like, they do it right in front of us.

[B]

Oh, God. Oh. But they're like the Hollywood elite who worship Satan, right? Yep.

[A]

I mean, who books that? Right. Who books that?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So I was gonna ask. I loved your story. Anything else unexplainable ever happen? Psychic UFO ever almost die?

[B]

Have you told all of your stories already on the podcast?

[A]

Why you want to. Which one flared you up?

[B]

I don't know, because I just feel like they're pointed questions.

[A]

These are like the go to fun ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're fun.

[B]

But I just like, if this was my podcast and I was like, you ever have a time where you slipped on the ice really bad and something maybe happened to your pants?

[A]

Like.

[B]

And then I'm like, what's your story? Oh, mine. Okay, okay, okay. So.

[A]

No, no, no, the question have you ever experienced anything unexplainable? Which I didn't really phrase properly is I think a good question if they have an answer to it, but if they don't, it's fine. But like I. Mine, one that comes to mind and I talk for 45 minutes is I talked to a psychic once over the phone and I was dating a woman and that's what I wanted to talk about.

[B]

Okay. Wow. This is. The story is fucking unbelievable.

[A]

That's the kid. Why are you singing? You're gonna wake up, mother. You're gonna wake up, mother. Your Satan sound very good.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Yeah. You want to go Satan sound?

[B]

Yeah. Okay, but do it. How about this challenge to you before the podcast ends? At one point, just get possessed in the most realistic way and have it take over. I'll. And I'll see if it felt real.

[A]

Oh, no, but it's kind of scary if you grew up in the kids.

[B]

So you do get scared. You do believe in Satan?

[A]

No, but Pete does.

[B]

Well, Pete. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something that's gonna make you feel better.

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[B]

I watched the Ted Bundy documentary and he's nowhere near as bad as you. No, I meant I watched it and I got. And I. I got really scared.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Cuz I was like, oh, he's like a true monster.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That scared me. Cuz I. I didn't know. I didn't believe in Satan anymore.

[A]

And then I was like, oh, they.

[B]

Locked this guy up and then he broke out of prison and went and raped and murdered a Bunch of girls in, like, the five hours he was out, like, he couldn't stop himself. I was like, oh, that's really actually scary to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is like a monster.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So then I was so scared. And then. No, that's asleep. And then I turn on the lamp, and I was, like, getting all stressed out. And then my husband was like, why are you so scared? And I was like, I'm just so scared. I keep thinking about that Ted Bundy documentary. And then he was like, lisa, imagine how gratified he would be to know that he's keeping you up at night. And as soon as he said that, I was like, that guy. I'm not scared anymore. That's how I feel like you have to feel about Beasel.

[A]

But I'm not afraid of Bezel.

[B]

Pete. You're shaking in your little boots, my man. You just wait. Is this you being possessed? Why are you smiling so much?

[A]

I don't like it.

[B]

See? You're scared of him. Don't be scared of him.

[A]

It feels disrespectful to the epilept. Epileptic community.

[B]

Okay, well, I wasn't asking you to have a seizure.

[A]

That's what I. Seizure?

[B]

I hardly know her anyways. Kay. What's your supernatural story?

[A]

Oh, so I'm talking to the psychic, and I. I didn't even tell her that I wanted to talk about the girlfriend, and. The girlfriend's name was Boog. I've told this story before. You don't care.

[B]

Boog.

[A]

Boog.

[B]

I'm supposed to believe that?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Boog? The Boogerman be nut.

[A]

You dated the Boogerman be nut.

[B]

There's no way, man. She's way too fucking hot for you. Boog. The Boogerman from Rolling Stones fame. Butt in the air. Boogerman? I don't think so.

[A]

But Sunrise.

[B]

But Sunrise.

[A]

She did an Addison. But Sunrise Boogerman.

[B]

Okay, so your girlfriend's name was Boog. Full name Booger. Okay.

[A]

And then I called a psycho.

[B]

What's her real name?

[A]

I'm not gonna say. Jennifer Aniston.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, That's. It's shampoo for guys, but I bet you could try it. I actually. I'd be curious what would happen. Your hair falls out.

[B]

I have to tell you, these feel wonderful.

[A]

Wet.

[B]

The shampoo's seeping out.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, I feel like it's slowly eating away at the packaging and the.

[A]

I don't think that's true.

[B]

You use this.

[A]

That might be like an.

[B]

You ever Put this on your fries. Okay. So you dating Bug.

[A]

Great. R. You meet a guy instead of Harry has fries, and you're like, I got the shampoo for you.

[B]

No.

[A]

Hey, that's not the riff.

[B]

Cut it out.

[A]

Okay, so, well, right away, I didn't even tell her. First of all, she had a regular name. I'll just say that. Her name. Let's just say her name was Sarah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I call her Boog, short for Booger.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So because if you go to Disneyland and you get the customized Mickey hats, they won't put Booger on it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Because it's like a naughty word, but they would put Boog.

[B]

Oh, cute. So did you make it B O O G or B U G?

[A]

O O G, I guess Bug.

[B]

Bug. That would be Bug.

[A]

That would be Bug.

[B]

Okay, Bug.

[A]

I do call my daughter and my wife Bug sometimes. Anyway, so it says Bug, so that became her nickname. So then, by the way, just in case I say this every time. We're not. This is before Instagram. I'm not. I never have posted my personal life on Facebook. Like, just pictures of the bug hat or like, love you, Bug. None of that. This person also didn't have.

[B]

See why you guys broke up, right?

[A]

Actually, probably. But this person also didn't. The. The psychic didn't have, like, my name and my info. I got their number, and they were told I was going to call them. I called them. So it was like. Like, very cold.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She goes, who's Boo? It was her first question. And I'm like, what the is happening? So that's the spirit in which I asked that question.

[B]

That's very.

[A]

That's very. Telepathy tapes. Yeah, it is very telepathy tapes.

[B]

So, but. But what do you think? Did she tell you anything, like, important? Or was it just the fact that she knew that you had a bug?

[A]

She did that. That relationship was at a crossroads, and she was very much like, you know what you have to do. And it was sad. I knew it had to end. And she talked about somebody who had passed. This is not really my cup of tea. But knowing that my uncle had just passed and he was, like, looking out for me. Actually, I don't know if it was my uncle, but it was somebody who was looking out for me. It doesn't matter. It. It emboldened me to do the right thing, which I think was to end the relationship.

[B]

Don't you think everyone could use a phone call that was like, you know what to do?

[A]

I. I do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I do. Like, you could just text any number.

[B]

You go, hey, you know what to do?

[A]

Wait a minute there. You could guess a phone number.

[B]

Should I do it?

[A]

707 and just text. You know what to do. Oh, my God. This is history in the mocking.

[B]

But I want to make sure it's a real number. How do you know of, like, what's going to be a real number?

[A]

It'll turn blue.

[B]

Give me a number. Or. But.

[A]

Well, let. Let's do 707.

[B]

Oh, I already did 310. That.

[A]

No, no, 310. I like that. 310.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

707, 1, 8.

[B]

I'm not gonna do it exactly as you say because. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna Change One digit.

[A]

1, 8, 8, 5.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Did it turn blue?

[B]

It's green. Let's try again.

[A]

They might have an Android then.

[B]

Do we want to talk to them?

[A]

Okay. 3, 1, 0. What we need to do is, like, a number that's close to a number we have. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I'm doing my number off one digit. That'll be the way to do it.

[A]

But then they'll. They'll think it's spam because it's going to come in.

[B]

Oh, from such a similar number.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. 3, 1, 0, 3, 4, 4. Ready? No, this is gonna work.

[B]

I got. I did it. I got a blue one. I mashed my own, and I got.

[A]

Blue, but they're gonna think it's a spam because it's too similar to their own.

[B]

Pete, who. Who the hell is receiving a text from an unknown number that says, you know what to do? That isn't spam them. No one's gonna. No one's gonna think it's not.

[A]

But if I get a text from my phone number, but it's one digit different, and it says, you know what to do.

[B]

This is four digits different from my phone number.

[A]

The last four. Yeah, I'd rather. Okay, Text. You know what to do.

[B]

Should I do dot, dot, dot, or is that too menacing?

[A]

You know what to do, period, I think.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, my God. It is sent. It is sent. All lowercase.

[B]

Oh, my God. I thought you're gonna say the dots are appearing.

[A]

No. Oh, no, please. You know what to do. You know what to do.

[B]

Wait, what does it say at the top? Does it have my, like, contact photo? And it's like, do you want to add this person?

[A]

It says share your name and photo.

[B]

No, not do that.

[A]

I love. I can't show the camera, but the share button and the X button are so close to each other. I'm not messing with that. I'm enammed that you did this. And we have to check in with this. You know what to do. Is the funniest text.

[B]

Yeah, all lowercase, period, at the end.

[A]

This is starting the Internet challenge. Make up a phone number, text. You know what to do, period. It started here. Here.

[B]

But we will. The sad thing is we'll never know how this affected this person because they might not text back. They might just go, yeah.

[A]

Well, that's another one of my supernatural stories. Is I the same girlfriend? Boog? I had a dated giraffe.

[B]

Yeah, that is pretty freaky. Got any other crazy stories about women you dated? Let me guess. One of them let you kiss her. This is getting unbelievable. Am I right, Katie?

[A]

This is getting unbelievable. What's this? You gotta look in one.

[B]

What's this?

[A]

I've told this story a million times, but I had a list of reasons to end the relationship, move on. Like, I had a list. And I was like. Because I was so scared, I thought, like, breaking up with somebody was the meanest thing you could do. I had never really done. I'd done it one other time in my life, so. And I really cared about this person, and I loved them. I just didn't think it was right. So I, you know, like a coward, had a list going in my notes, apparently, of why, you know, it wasn't like, she stinks. It was just like, you know, withholding your truth is, you know, another type of aggression. Like, that's also cruel, that sort of thing. So it's. I think I had, like, 25 things on this list go to therapy. I'm talking to my therapist, this Dr. Gary Penn at the time, and he's like, you don't need a list. He's like, what are you doing? Like, if you want to end something, you can end it. And. And if you. If it's a mistake, you can beg and plead for it back, But I don't think it's going to be a mistake. We've talked about it a lot. I think you're okay. You don't need a list. And this is right after I talked to that psychic. And they were like, somebody on the other side is looking out for you. I'm driving away from therapy. I open my. I think of another reason why the relationship isn't right. I go to open the notes app on my phone. My phone crashes. It goes black. Then the apple logo, it reboots. Everything's normal. Except that one note is deleted. Oh, that Gave me Goosebumps starring David. What's his name?

[B]

Carl Stein.

[A]

Yeah, but, but Ross from, from. He's in the new Goosebumps. David Schwimmer's in the new Goosebumps. And he never had a moonrise on the Rolling Stone.

[B]

I thought you were gonna say you went to add it to the list and your phone crashed and then the apple logo came up and you were like, apples? That's right. Apples. As in, in the apple market where we met, where we went to get an apple. But the other guy who worked there was my dad. Like, I thought it was gonna be one of those like usual suspects things.

[A]

Oh, Kaiser Permanente.

[B]

Kaiser Permanente.

[A]

So anything like that.

[B]

I wish this person would text me back. I don't think they're ever going to. Would you? I wouldn't.

[A]

Oh, absolutely not.

[B]

No.

[A]

That person might be having a hard time with that. That.

[B]

But I hope it impacted them. And you know what, I'm going to set a reminder that in a week to just be like, did that impact you at all? I'll send a follow up text.

[A]

Yeah, you can like this. If that impact you impacted you, press 1 to unsubscribe. Press 2 to unsubscribe. But that was a nice text to receive. That changed your life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, Dane Cook, who came up earlier had a great bit where he's like some. A game I like to play is at the airport. Find someone who's reading a newspaper or something and go stand in front of them so they can't see you, but they can feel you. And then when they lower their newspaper, go. Don't get on the plane.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I think it's funny.

[B]

It's wicked, but it's wickedly talented.

[A]

It's wickedly talented. Nothing like that. No supernaturals.

[B]

What if you brought a bunch of nuts and bolts to a theme park and you sat on the roller coaster and then the person sitting in front of you tapped them on the shoulder, you went, this just fell out of your seat right before you go.

[A]

That's a great one. That's a great one. You just made that up.

[B]

I think I probably heard of it before.

[A]

Oh, it's hard with the Internet.

[B]

It is hard with the Internet. They always stealing my jokes.

[A]

Do they steal your jokes?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

You. You see Seinfeld's last special? That was all my stuff.

[A]

All right. You've had better. Oh, you didn't like the special, But I'm critiquing you. Some of them were weak. Oh, I'm just Kidding.

[B]

Those are the ones that he misheard. He was like, doing his best to be like, what did she say?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because he doesn't sit in the audience at my shows because he knows that'll be too obvious. So he always. He always, like, for example, if I'm doing, like something at the Largo, he'll go. He doesn't even buy a ticket to the show. He goes, can I use your bathroom? Sits in the bathroom. Sits on the toilet for the whole show. Trying to listen to the wall.

[A]

He barely gets him.

[B]

So that's why some of the jokes are like. He. He'll. He'll start one of my jokes and I'll be like, you know, the thing about being married is it's hard but flush. Like, he's just. He's so saying what he said about he heard in the bathroom. No, he didn't hear soap. He wouldn't say that. You know, think about marriage. Some people say it's soap, but he's.

[A]

A visual learner, so he's remembering where he was.

[B]

How can he see the soap? You don't get how to steal jokes at all.

[A]

You don't know what the bathroom is like at Largo. It's a one seater and you could see the soap.

[B]

No, that's backstage. I'm talking about the audience's bathroom. Oh, that's where Jerry Seinfeld is.

[A]

The groundlings.

[B]

No, I'm talking about the Largo.

[A]

No, I know, but the groundlings is a term in Shakespeare for the people in the audience.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you see bees.

[A]

And I'm like, I'm afraid. Citizens Brigade.

[B]

No, it's actually a term for the University of British Columbia. Columbia.

[A]

I love that. It's also a bank. Do you do stand up?

[B]

I do a little research.

[A]

Light fan, heavy.

[B]

Yeah. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't know that in your research.

[A]

Does it.

[B]

I try to stay pretty underground. I'm just doing like little, like little indie shows or whatever.

[A]

Little ditties.

[B]

Little ditties. Jack and Diane and all that. Sucking on Judy dog.

[A]

Is that a line?

[B]

Outside the day's free. You didn't know sucking on chili dog was part of that. So that's the most iconic part of the song. Sucking.

[A]

Sucking on a chili dog. Outside the taste of freeze oh, it's not the end of the verse? No, it's in the middle.

[B]

Outside the taste of freeze Jack's got his whole head pulled back on his hands between his knees oh, yeah Life goes on long after the thrill oh, leave it here.

[A]

Such a dark sentiment.

[B]

You didn't know sucking on chili dogs, huh?

[A]

No.

[B]

Is that even the lyric?

[A]

It is.

[B]

Well, how do you know you didn't know about it before now?

[A]

I said it with confidence.

[B]

And why would you ever suck on a chili dog with your boyfriend?

[A]

Because she's a. She's a. Diane's a freak.

[B]

She's like, why should I do this chili dog for a sec?

[A]

Her. She has an older sister that told her that's the move. She's like, they're sucking on a chili dog.

[B]

Dog.

[A]

Confirm that's the line from that song.

[B]

So she's like, diane, order a chili dog. Trust me, he's going to watch you eat it, but don't eat it. Suck on it.

[A]

When I turned 17, my friend Tom texted me, hold on to 16 as long as you can. Which I thought was mean.

[B]

Changes come around real soon make us women and men.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Life goes on long after the grilled cheese sandwiches. Can you tell me the hardest? The time you laugh the hardest in your life.

[B]

That's really interesting. One time I was playing Jumanji. We had the board game Jumanji.

[A]

Not the movie.

[B]

Well, it was the board game based.

[A]

Off the movie, based on the book, based on the show, based on Jack Black.

[B]

No, Jack Black came later. Jumanji.

[A]

Jumanji is a book that became a board game. Definitely a book.

[B]

You know, did you ever do Miss Mary? It was like a hand clap game when you're in school. I sound like I'm from 1940. No, it was like Miss Mary had a steamboat. Who's steamboat had a bell? That part. She goes kissing. Her mystery and her boyfriend are kissing in the da rk Dark is like a movie. A movie's like a show. A show is like a video game. And that is all I know. No, no. Anyways.

[A]

And Jumanji's like a. Jumanji is like.

[B]

A movie and movies like a show. So we have Jumanji, the board game. And in the end, if you win, you have to shout Jumanji as loud as you can. My sister had headgear at the time and she shout jumanjay. And it broke off her face, splintered into a thousand pieces in the air, and she immediately burst out into tears because I didn't get hurt and, like, broke her tooth off or something. But it was probably one of the hardest times I've ever laughed.

[A]

She got Jumanji?

[B]

Yes. She major got Jumanji. Cheat.

[A]

That's a fantastic answer.

[B]

What's the hardest you ever left I mean, that.

[A]

Yeah, that one gets turned around on me quite a bit. I try to think of one. A fresh one. Oh, my God. When we were watching. I don't know if this will translate. It's certainly not as funny as Jomanji.

[B]

Jerry Seinfeld special.

[A]

Jerry Seinfeld's new special. The Gilroy Lift. Lift?

[B]

He called it that?

[A]

Yeah, it's called the Gilroy Lift.

[B]

Dude, that is so disrespectful.

[A]

I know. And he doesn't special thanks too.

[B]

Well, because sometimes if people are out, like, bad out loud, so publicly, like, they're like, I dare you to cancel me. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

[A]

You took this all from Lisa Gilroy.

[B]

I did everything right. And they indicted me.

[A]

And they indicted me. We're in the movies. We went and saw a complete unknown, which I had already seen, but I think. I think it was worth a double. A double? Watch.

[B]

Why'd you double it?

[A]

Well, Val was not upset, but she wanted to see it.

[B]

Who'd you see it with?

[A]

The first time, so.

[B]

Bug. Boog.

[A]

Boog. I'm rekindling things with Bug. No, I saw it on. I was on the road and I went and saw it. Alone, A complete unknown.

[B]

I feel so bad for you, Pete. You're such a lonely guy.

[A]

No, no, no. I liked it. It was fun. A. I thought you were gonna do.

[B]

I saw Wicked twice.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

And not by choice. I saw it on my own.

[A]

You know, in Boston. That movie was released. It was called Very Wicked Smart. I liked my riff.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

[A]

No, it was done very. Because, like, in Boston, we use Wicked for very.

[B]

Oh, that's funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See, I wouldn't have got that.

[A]

I had a joke where I said Three Amigos was released in Spanish speaking markets as Tres Friends.

[B]

Tris Friends. That's funny. That's good.

[A]

Okay, so we go and see a complete unknown and. Bob. This is going to be boring. But it's almost over. Bob Dylan is the consummate enneagram 4. The enneagram is a. It doesn't matter.

[B]

I know what it is. You do? Yeah.

[A]

All right. Well, I'm an enneagram 4. I'm a 3 and a 4 split right down the middle, which is the most.

[B]

That's me.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Enchanter.

[A]

That's. It has its own name?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Am I getting out Enneagrammed right now?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So there's a name for something that's right. Between a three and A four. Yes, it's called the Enchanter I'll show you.

[B]

I'll show you after.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So we're the same. That's why. How come we look so much alike?

[A]

We look the same.

[B]

I think people have called us Mary Kate and Ashley before.

[A]

Can I be Mary Kate?

[B]

Well, they say Mary Kate and Ashley. And then in brackets, if one was.

[A]

A boy, one were.

[B]

Was the other people on stupid people.

[A]

On Twitter, they're stupid.

[B]

So you saw the movie twice?

[A]

Yes. So Bob Dylan, as you know, Enneagram, he's an individualist. The four, of course.

[B]

So he non conformist.

[A]

Just a non conformist. Nothing he does can be normal. He says, in the movies, like, you got to be a freak. He wants to be a freak.

[B]

He goes, I'm an Enneagram fool.

[A]

He says that at one point, my Franciscan Father Richard Rose, says, I'm a fool. And he writes that down on his yellow pad. But he gets a black eye in the movie. It's not a spoiler. Somebody punches him. It's not a big deal. And he asks a woman to give him a towel. And he goes, can I just get a towel for this? Like, for the black eye? And I lean over to Val and I go, heaven. For an enneagram 4. Which it is because they love their pain. They love being like, can I get a towel? And he takes his glasses off and he's like, for this? He loves it.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And as a four, I recognize that. And she says, and I had cut myself. Can you still see it? I cut myself shaving. So I had a huge bandaid on my neck. And she goes, says the guy with the bandaid on his neck. And we laughed so loud. We were like disruptively laughing for like five full minutes because I don't even. I think I recognize myself. But then I'm like, what an idiot. And I have this big floppy bandaid on my neck.

[B]

So you love when you're hurt so that everyone will be nice to you?

[A]

No, I wouldn't go. I don't know. First of all, you'd need to ask Val. But I do enjoy my own pain. I like my own bad moods. I like my own low moods. I like all of it.

[B]

So when you were a kid, did you cry while you looked in the mirror?

[A]

Yeah, I did that for sure. I definitely cried when I looked in the mirror. You did too?

[B]

I think so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And another Dane Cook reference, he talks about having a mantra to get you to cry more. Like, sometimes you're crying and you like it, so you want to cry more.

[B]

Or sometimes you actually need to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's like throwing up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you need to get out. And he goes, his was. I did my best. And I. We say, I did my best all the time. I did my best. It kills me, but I definitely. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. When I was definitely, like, 11, 12. Looked in the mirror, crying. For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And wrote poems.

[B]

Oh, me too. I had a whole book of homes.

[A]

And there are girls in my high school that have no idea that I was obsessed with them and loved them and was, like, thwarted by them.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Never occurred to me as a kid. I was like, what, am I going to ask her out? I don't have any money. I don't have a car. Like, say, by the bell. They're always picking each other up in cars and going to the Max. There's no Max.

[B]

We had a max.

[A]

You had a Max?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Magic Max.

[B]

Oh, ours was M, A C, S apost. Like, possessive Max.

[A]

You really had a Max?

[B]

Yeah. Is that what it is?

[A]

No, but I love that you actually had a max.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you had a place you could go for days to suck on chili dogs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sucking on chili dogs. Got his hand between his neck.

[B]

Got his head.

[A]

Did you start dating in high school?

[B]

N. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, well.

[B]

Did you ever have a girlfriend in high school?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, that's my cue.

[A]

I had a date to the senior prom, and I had a senior's home. What's that at a senior? It wasn't the senior prom. It was the senior's promise. So my school is having the senior prom. I went to the nursing home and danced with a woman in a wheelchair.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But let me tell you, lady on.

[B]

Wheels is dancing with me.

[A]

Cheek to knees.

[B]

Cheek to knees.

[A]

Cheek to knees. Because I'm standing up.

[B]

Oh, so you're that short?

[A]

No, I'm that tall.

[B]

Oh, she's in the knees.

[A]

So she's in jail. I was thinking you were cheek to knees. Oh, you want knees to cheek?

[B]

Well, I thought it was your cheek on her knees, like you were.

[A]

Only there's nobody here. Sorry. Yeah, several have died.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sad cloth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you want to die in a nursing home?

[B]

No.

[A]

Hospital. Do you want to see it coming?

[B]

I'd love to be euthanized.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What? Like. All right, Lisa. Goodbye.

[B]

What's that? The big dial. Oh, that's the crank. For no reason, you were doing dial and then you cranked it. I went, ah, you fried me. I thought you were going to do it peaceful, and then you decided, no.

[A]

You want to be, like, let down, gentle with an injection?

[B]

I. Or, like, give me my special pills that I get to take whenever I want. Yes.

[A]

Oh, wow. Did you see the movie Paddleton Paddleton.

[B]

2, the one that I love? No, I didn't see it, but I heard Hugh Grant was really good in it.

[A]

Grant's back, baby. We don't even remember why he was gone for a while.

[B]

I do.

[A]

What was that? Prostitution? Yeah, I went right to it. Maybe we could. Oh, that's Goldblum. Yes. Oh, can I touch your pants?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Oh, I didn't even do it.

[B]

You know what? That was the equivalent of, like, the Pretty Woman, like, necklace closing on you. You were my Pretty woman just then.

[A]

I was Jura, and you did your.

[B]

Gorgeous laugh, and you threw your head back with your beautiful smile, and I'm an icon forever.

[A]

She's in Notting Hill with Paddington, too. The movie Paddleton is an exploration of someone who wants to die. Mark Duplats plays a person who knows he's gonna die, decides to take pills. It's very emotional.

[B]

Well, what about Still Alice?

[A]

Didn't love Still Alice because it was so dark.

[B]

Yeah, but she had her special pill system, and it didn't work out.

[A]

But, yeah, that.

[B]

Like, something like that I'm down for. She made a little video for herself that. It's like, alice, if you're watching this video, it's because you can't remember anything that's going on. Go upstairs into the drawer, get the pills out. Don't tell anyone you're taking them. Take all of them. I'm, like, iconic. I need a video like that for me, and I want Julianne Moore to record it. Like a cameo.

[A]

She'll do it on cameo, and her cameo fee is only, like, $11.

[B]

You think if I asked her to record a euthanization step, she'll do it for me? She'd do it.

[A]

She'll do it.

[B]

She's so down to clown.

[A]

She's. She loves bits. She's like, you want to make fun of Still Alice?

[B]

Yeah, but I'm gonna use it in earnest. I'll use the video. I just like to. Here's the thing. I want to have my special pills that I can take when I'm 89 and I broke my hip and I go to the hospital, and they're like, you got a blood clot? Like, things are not looking good. I'm like, okay. As soon as they discharge me and I go home, I'm gonna call my kids. We're gonna have a Nice dinner. And I'm gonna ding dong lights out.

[A]

With the special pills.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. I get it. What we have in common is I. I'd like to know that it's coming. Sometimes I. Sometimes I thought, you know, piano. The piano.

[B]

That never happens to anyone. Hardly.

[A]

It happened. Happened to Woody Guthrie.

[B]

Who? Sorry.

[A]

Oh, the tell, the tell. That I'm lying.

[B]

Oh. He's like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had a girlfriend. Her name was Boog. Sure you did, Pete. Yeah.

[A]

I never had one in high school. But later, boo. Guy broke up with her.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So Boog. Sleeping bag Shoe was her name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, we've done it.

[B]

We've done it.

[A]

Do you feel good?

[B]

Yeah. Thank you for having me to your house.

[A]

You're welcome.

[B]

What would we call this episode? I guess because it was so silly and then it got so serious. And then it was silly again. So it was almost like a serious, serious Oreo sandwich.

[A]

Yeah, it was like two Oreos, but in the middle there was like, a Bible. A Bible? Yeah, a Bible printed on deli meat, which they have.

[B]

Oh, they do?

[A]

Oh, yeah. You can get a very thin sliced turkey deli meat Bible.

[B]

Oh, wonderful.

[A]

Delicious.

[B]

Sounds good.

[A]

Body of Christ compels you. So you've gotten all mixed in with the exorcism. All the scary stuff.

[B]

I gotta keep it balanced.

[A]

Got ruined for you.

[B]

What about, like, you, you only eat bubble gums and rainbow. Rainbows. But. Well, I gotta have my black coffee with.

[A]

Only in the morning.

[B]

Yeah, only in the morning.

[A]

Did your husband believe in something?

[B]

No.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a big issue.

[B]

It's good to be in step with each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In sync.

[A]

Parenting, religion and money are the two big ones.

[B]

Oh, that was three.

[A]

The third one is how you raise your kids.

[B]

Parenting, religion and money. You said. You said parenting, religion and money. Those are the. The big two.

[A]

Those are the big things that break.

[B]

Like you said, those are the big two.

[A]

Well, a lot of people don't play it back. People that don't. People that don't have kids, that. It would just be the two. Oh, and you don't have kids, so it's just religion.

[B]

I don't know. You're acting like a child.

[A]

Well, deal with it. This is your practice.

[B]

All right. Take me to the baptism tank.

[A]

All right. Oh, you have to say the catchphrase. And thank you so much. Is there anything to plug?

[B]

I guess Interior Chinatown on Hulu. And when does computer out?

[A]

Not. Not this Wednesday, but the Wednesday after.

[B]

Oh, okay. Then I guess I'll.

[A]

Twisted metal.

[B]

Twisted metal. Yeah, but that I don't know.

[A]

Who are you in Twisted Metal?

[B]

Can't say.

[A]

Spectre.

[B]

A car Spectre?

[A]

You don't even know that Spectre's one of the.

[B]

Yeah, I do. Spectre Gadget. I don't. I don't play him.

[A]

You don't? It's not Spectre Gadget. Well, it's not Mr. Grim. You don't know who Mr. Grim is.

[B]

Yes, I do.

[A]

You don't know any of this.

[B]

Yes, I do. I was on the show, Pete. Of course I know.

[A]

You know, Sweet Tooth. You're. You're what we call in the TM community.

[B]

You're being literally insane. I was into. You don't think I know the character?

[A]

Sweet Tooth Fan? I'm just saying.

[B]

This is so mansplain. This is literally so mansplaining. What movie have you been in?

[A]

Thump Thumper.

[B]

This is like me being like. But you don't even know the plot of Crashing. Only guys watch that show. You're so insane.

[A]

I said Spectre and you gave me nothing.

[B]

I said Inspector Gadget. That's fun.

[A]

That riff made me think you're like, I don't know what I'm on.

[B]

I know, but I'm not allowed to say anything, all right?

[A]

There's not a lot of lady characters and you're not Axel. Do you get that riff?

[B]

Of course I do, Pete. Oh my God.

[A]

There's your clip. Mansplaining Twisted Metal to a woman who show. Well, I just. I was based off of you not knowing who Spectre was.

[B]

I know who Spector is.

[A]

All right, fine. Is that who you are?

[B]

I can't say anything about who plays who in season two and I or what characters are present.

[A]

Okay. It's Axel in it.

[B]

You're such a worm.

[A]

Well, I've never had a big sister, but you give me big sister energy where you're like, shut up, you worm.

[B]

Love to be big sister. Usually I'm perceived as little sister.

[A]

No, I'm getting big sister energy. I know the game, Kyle.

[B]

Well, no, see, by virtue of having to defend my honor, I am little sister. Cuz only a big sister would do something like that and go like you don't know what it is.

[A]

Oh yeah, that's true. I didn't know there already was a first season of Twisted Metal.

[B]

Some fan you are. Poser. But you didn't know there's a sequel to the Bible either.

[A]

Book of Mormon.

[B]

I was thinking New Testament.

[A]

Nice. Which is part of the Bible.

[B]

Oh my God. Get me out of here. Keep it crispy?

[A]

How'd you know?