Maya Rudolph (Re-Release)

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Maya Rudolph (Re-Release)

Date: June 27, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode is a re-release of Pete Holmes’ conversation with comedian, actress, and SNL legend Maya Rudolph. Renowned for her infectious laugh, improv brilliance, and musicality, Maya joins Pete for a freewheeling, warm, and weirdly intimate conversation. They dive into the quirks of comedy, the realities of family and intimacy, live performance, spirituality, the magic (and weirdness) of being human, and why fart jokes never get old.

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Table of Contents

1. Secret Weirdness and Nicknames (04:20)
2. Holidays, Heritage, and Names (05:48)
3. Food, Farts, and Intimacy (07:13)
4. Celebrity and Relationship Talk (09:01)
5. The Nature of Performance (15:02)
6. Parenting, Presence, and Partnership (18:10)
7. Social Media and SNL-era Trolls (26:31)
8. Fruit Salads and Family Quirks (28:34)
9. Stand-Up vs. Improv: The Comedian’s Path (30:31)
10. Live Performance: Finding Your Place (54:18)
11. Impressions, Parlor Tricks, and SNL Friends (57:08)
12. Meeting Heroes: Maya’s Wink Story & Joni Mitchell (70:04)
13. Magic and Why We Love It (80:06)
14. Spirituality, Death, and Parenting (126:01)
15. Favorite Movies, Laughter, and Being a Kid (166:14)
16. Closing: Keep It Crispy (171:27)

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Secret Weirdness, Nicknames and First Laughs

[04:20 – 06:16]

• Maya and Pete riff on pandemic-era nicknames for COVID (“the cocoa,” “the roro”), Scooby-Doo references, and Maya’s childhood nickname “Rudy”.
• Maya enjoys the attention from her famous last name: “I love the attention. Isn’t that weird? …The kids would be like ‘Rudolph’ and I was like, ‘yeah, I like it.’” (Maya, 06:07)
• Discussion about the common misspelling of 'Rudolph' and discoveries in Maya's genealogy (her family’s original surname was not Rudolph but "Rudashevsky").

2. Holidays, Heritage, and Names

[05:48 – 07:06]

• Digression into Lithuanian Jewish roots, their families’ backgrounds, and the complexity of cultural identity.
• Maya: “I’m still new at learning about my Lithuanian heritage.” (24:30)
• They joke about their relatives and swap genealogy stories.

3. Farts, Food, and Intimacy

[07:13 – 19:52, recurring]

• Maya and Pete bond over the comfort level in relationships that allow “open fart policy.”
• Maya: “How can you not be human with the person that you live with?” (19:09)
• Pete: “Dating is fake shit. Why would you want to do that? …The people that are, like, perpetually single, you want to go on, like, a million [first dates]?” (18:43)
• They revisit the theme throughout: farting on SNL, in marriage, at work; what it means for intimacy and “being real.”

4. Improv, Live Performance, and the Lure of the Stage

[15:02 – 55:41]

• Both discuss their roots in improv and the thrill of performing live.
• Maya: “I only recently discovered that I’m a live performer…internally, that’s where I feel like myself.” (53:51 – 54:18)
• Pete: “Give me a crowd or give me death. That’s what old Hemingway said.” (54:50)
• Maya notes improv as a “parlor trick” as she recounts singing and mirroring stories with Fred Armisen and others.

5. Parents, Kids, and the Messiness of Real Life

[18:10 – 20:08]

• Honest talk about parenting—bodily functions, period underwear, pressures of breastfeeding, and how life and love change after kids.
• Maya: “The best thing in the damn world… I wish there were nine of them. I love her so much. …Let’s get Mormon with it.” (35:03)

6. Social Media, Internet Trolls, and SNL-Era Differences

[26:31 – 28:05]

• Maya reflects on pre-Twitter internet, freedom on SNL and dealing with online trolls:
  • "My instinct when Twitter started... was like, yeah, I don’t think I should do that." (27:02)
  • Shares being called “Chipmunk Cheeks,” how she spun it into humor and self-acceptance.

7. Comedy Craft, Stand-Up vs. Improv, and Confidence

[30:31 – 54:50]

• They contrast the solitary, “dwarvish” process of stand-up with the “elvish,” communal world of improv.
• Maya does not do stand-up but admires it: “I think standups are some of the most brilliant human beings alive. Some of, not all.” (77:10)

8. Celebrity and Relationship Talk

[09:01, 43:51 onward]

• Frequent playfulness about Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA), Maya's longtime partner, and the social etiquette of not bringing up a guest’s famous relationship.
• Pete shares his “embarrassing” fan encounter with PTA and riffs about “Paul Tom.”

9. Meeting Heroes & Maya’s ‘Wink’ Story

[70:04 – 72:24]

• Maya’s tale of meeting Joni Mitchell at Henson Studios, playing it cool, then accidentally winking at her.
  • “Here’s what I like to do. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable by telling them how much I love them…I try to play it cool.” (70:27)
• They riff about how to interact with legends and the pitfalls of over-sharing.

10. Magic, Wonder, and the Love of Mystery

[80:06 – 87:19]

• Shared passion for magic, especially Ricky Jay’s legendary ice block trick.
• Maya: “Why are people so resistant? [Magic] brings you into the moment. ...Let me show you what you think is—it isn’t.” (85:01)

11. Spirituality, Death, and the Meaning of Life

[126:01– 144:01+]

• Maya’s upbringing (“Your rules don’t rule us” family), her nuanced spiritual beliefs, and reflections on loss (her mother died when she was 7).
  • “For me, God is nature and the universe. And I talk to it sometimes like it’s a person, but it doesn’t feel like any specific thing to me.” (131:31)
• Pete explores ideas from mythology and meaning, quoting Joseph Campbell.
• They both discuss the ache of mortality and wanting meaning:
  • Maya: “What a jip that we…find people that we love…and then we leave. That’s f***ed up.” (133:15)

12. Lighthearted Closes: Laughter, Family, and Legacy

[166:14–end]

• Maya’s favorite movies include “Sixteen Candles,” “Revenge of the Nerds,” “Beetlejuice.”
• Family stories: Her granddad’s “reply to Cop Killer” rap; “The park is filled with dead joggers.”
• Returns to farts, winking, and the power of laughing until you cry:
  • “When you realize, it's [laughter] the most pure thing.” (147:59)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Maya Rudolph [on attention]:

  • “I love the attention. Isn’t that weird? ...The kids would be like ‘Rudolph’ and I was like, ‘yeah, I like it.’” (06:07)

• Pete Holmes [on intimacy & comfort at home]:

  • “Dating is fake shit. …The people that are, like, perpetually single, you want to go on, like, a million [first dates]?” (18:43)

• On performing live:

  • Maya: “It’s just that that’s the place where I feel like, oh, now I know what I’m doing.” (55:41)

• On family quirks:

  • Maya: “My uncle Doug…might be one of the most fascinating human beings alive. The way he eats is like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life.” (29:23)

• On social media & troll culture:

  • Maya: “My instinct when Twitter started...was like, yeah, I don’t think I should do that.” (27:02)

• On live performance:

  • Pete: “Give me a crowd or give me death.” (54:50)

• On God and spirituality:

  • Maya: “For me, God is nature and the universe. And I talk to it sometimes like it’s a person, but it doesn’t feel like any specific thing to me.” (131:31)

• On motherhood and awe:

  • Maya: “The best thing in the damn world… I wish there were nine of them. I mean, I love her so much. Let’s get Mormon with it.” (35:03)

• On meeting Joni Mitchell:

  • Maya: “I try to play it cool. Which is probably why you think I’m being cool, because maybe I am trying to play a little cool. Just like, I’m not gonna be like, I fucking love you.” (70:27)

• On magic and being open to wonder:

  • Maya: “I. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not special by saying this about myself. I f***ing love magic. …The idea of… something magical.” (80:59)

• On loss:

  • Maya: “I think I could maybe be ready, but I’m scared that it’ll be like. I probably saw Poltergeist too young.” (104:55)

• On laughter and freedom:

  • Maya: “[When I’m having fun making funnies,] I feel like I’m twelve.” (147:59)

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Segment Timestamps (MM:SS)

• ~04:20: Nicknames, COVID riffs, “the cocoa”; Maya’s surname stories.
• 06:07: “I love the attention…” – Maya on childhood and fame.
• 07:13: “I have a creepy wink story… Don’t let me forget.” – Setting up the recurring “wink” thread.
• 15:02: Improvised songs as ultimate “parlor trick.”
• 18:43: The comfort zone in marriage, “fake dating.”
• 26:31: Maya on Twitter avoidance and SNL trolls.
• 35:03: On parenthood: “Let’s get Mormon with it.”
• 53:51: “I discovered I’m a live performer.”
• 70:04: The Joni Mitchell meeting story.
• 80:06: “I love witches… I want to be a witch when I’m older.”
• 85:01: The magic of being mystified.
• 126:01: Spirituality, upbringing, atheism, and forming her beliefs.
• 133:15: Maya’s heartbreak at mortality: “What a jip…”
• 166:14: Favorite movies, family, and legacy.

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Conclusion

True to its name, the episode is delightfully “weird,” packed with digressions, laughs, deep dives, and earnest talks about what it means to be creative, human, and alive. Maya Rudolph’s charisma and humor shine throughout, whether discussing SNL-era hijinks, trying to act cool around icons, waxing philosophical on God and death, or breaking into hysterics over bodily functions. Pete and Maya’s mutual admiration is palpable, creating a space that’s equal parts hilarious, therapeutic, and touching—a perfect tribute to both the weird and the wonderful.

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Final Notes

Memorable Moment:
Maya (as the Hormone Monster) signs off:

"Hey Pete, keep it crispy." (171:51)

A reminder from Maya:

"When I’m having fun making funnies, I feel like I’m twelve." (147:59)

A reminder from Pete:

“Give me a crowd or give me death.” (54:50)

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Episode recommended for:
Fans of heartfelt, meandering comedian conversations; SNL, improv, and comedy aficionados; fans of Maya Rudolph or Pete Holmes; anyone who likes their laughter mixed with existential and spiritual candor.

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Transcript

[Maya Rudolph]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is a Friday summer re release of one of our greatest guests of all time, Maya Rudolph, of whom I am maybe the biggest fan in the world. So I'm glad you guys are here. We have. We can all listen to this one together at the same time. And we will be back with regular. We Made It Weirds very, very, very soon. But in the meantime, it's going to be fun to enjoy this one all anew. Go to peteholmes.com for my tour dates. I'm going all over the place. And please, if you like the show, try a Pete's Pick, which is a fancy way of saying we only do ads for things that I actually use and actually love to. So, Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage. This is brought to us by one of our newest Pete's Picks, which is absolutely not only changed my life, but revolutionized my life, which is Kenobody, the makers of some supplements that are truly transforming my energy levels, my willingness, willingness, my motivation to exercise, and my decisiveness. What am I talking about? I'm talking about testosterone. There was a study that found between 1987 and 2004, men's testosterone dropped about 1% per year. That means 30 to 40 lower testosterone than their grandfathers had in the 80s. I didn't even know that was a problem. I went to my doctor, they checked it, I was normal, low. So I started taking Keno Body Mojo and I'm like, is everything testosterone? It is a huge, huge game changer. I've noticed I'm feeling way more motivated, way more driven, more creative. My workouts are longer and easier and my energy is way up, including my blood flow. And wink, wink, everything that that could possibly mean. That's why I think one of the reasons they call it Mojo, Testosterone is linked to dopamine, which is our motivational hormone. And dang, I am setting goals. I'm getting up earlier, and when I have something on my to to do list, I'm full on Nike about it. I just do it. Mojo is the solution I didn't know I needed. It gives your body the vitamins and minerals it needs to produce testosterone naturally and lower cortisol, our stress hormone that gets your mojo back. I love all of Kenobod's products, but especially Mo. I love Shred, I love Nitro, and I love Keno Octane, which is their all natural pre Workout that gives you energy and euphoric focus. Try any of their products. I swear by this company, they are legit. You can get 20% [e-mail] k I n o b o d y.com with your first order when you use promo code. Weird. That's 20% [e-mail] we're also brought to us by our friends at Element. Speaking of working out, speaking of the hot summer months, healthy hydration is not just water. It is water and electrolyte lights. But so much of the 80s and 90s, an electrolyte drink meant a flat soda. Element is here to fix that. It floods every cell in your body with healthy hydration. What does that mean? Means sodium means potassium and magnesium in the perfect dialed in ratio to give you that boost to flood you with hydration to keep away fatigue, brain fog, cramps and just make you feel fantastic. For years I've been drinking Element before I do shows. I drink it first thing in the the morning. It just jump starts my day. And now that we're doing all these hiking, beach days workouts here in the hotter months, you need to get this in your life. Try their lemonade salt, which is available now through the summer. It's their new flavor. It is unbelievable. Even if you've tried Element in the past before and it wasn't for you, lemonade salt is a game changer. So get healthy hydration into your life. Go to drinklmnt.com weird and you will get a free sample pack of every flavor with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com weird. All right, everybody, we're so glad you're here. Here is the wonderful, the incomparable Maya Rudolph. Get into it. So this is you. Like just get Soups co. Oh, Soups Coves. Get Soups Cos. Not Soups Coves.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, yeah. Do we get soups Cos?

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't you just have.

[Maya Rudolph]

I did just have Soups Coco Coke.

[Pete Holmes]

How was it? Were you in love with the cocoa?

[Maya Rudolph]

I love to call it the cocoa, though.

[Pete Holmes]

I also call it the Cocoa.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know someone was saying roro and I was like, it's the Coco.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't call it Roro.

[Maya Rudolph]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like retro either.

[Maya Rudolph]

I like Rut Row. You like R for real life, Just.

[Pete Holmes]

For when there's chaos.

[Maya Rudolph]

Corona.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Retro sounds a little too close to like an Asian LR joke. Oh, it's strictly Scooby Doo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, it goes. It instantly makes me giggle because I've. Look, I think Of Scooby's face.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you've been to Lady Largo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's a big sign that says rho.

[Maya Rudolph]

Where is it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's. Well, you know, a good landmark is the portrait of my face. Look, I'm proud of that. I'm proud of it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Are you one of the portraits in the bag?

[Pete Holmes]

Guess who brought it.

[Maya Rudolph]

This guy. This guy. This guy that you're pointing to.

[Pete Holmes]

I brought. I brought. And, you know, we were talking about pta, and I told myself that I would have no PTA questions, and that's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, it's fine. Did you really have to come back?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, so, you know, whenever there's a guest. Mike, can I call you my.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. What else would you call me? I just don't know. I have known, like, real nicknames, except for Maya's great. Maya's cute. I like when people call me Maya. Actually makes me feel warm.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. Well, that's what I'm going for.

[Maya Rudolph]

Or my. My people call me my.

[Pete Holmes]

My is also wonderful. Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was Rudy a little bit in high school.

[Pete Holmes]

I was thinking how the holidays were for. How were the Christmas holiday for.

[Maya Rudolph]

For Rudy.

[Pete Holmes]

For Rudolph.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, for the Rudolphs.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Because we're Maya the Rudolph. You know, Rudolph. My.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I love it. I. I.

[Pete Holmes]

You like the Rudolph Attention.

[Maya Rudolph]

I love the attention. Isn't that weird? Like, when I was a kid, the kids would be like, rudolph. And I was like, yeah, I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

And isn't that the difference between.

[Maya Rudolph]

What I don't like is how often it is misspelled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a pretty famous song and Christmas special.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a hit song.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a hit.

[Pete Holmes]

If we.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's like a. It's a banger if we have to be honest. And people spell it with an F left and right. It's not an F, but.

[Pete Holmes]

No, but it's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Technically, it's arbitrary because I did my genealogy and Rudolph isn't even the real name.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's Ashkenazi. It's Lithuanian litho. You know who's a Lithuanian?

[Maya Rudolph]

This guy.

[Pete Holmes]

The guy who brought the portrait of himself to Largo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you know where your fan.

[Pete Holmes]

I texted. I did a little re Search.

[Maya Rudolph]

What a T. I did a little rerun the D middle. What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of a creepy but sincere search.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, wait till I. I have a wink story for you. Don't let me forget.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, look, I'll write it down.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have a. I really up with.

[Pete Holmes]

A creepy wink story there's a lot of creepy winking.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I love to wink.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not going to forget wink. I also love a good. Like, if you meet breakfast in my teeth.

[Maya Rudolph]

I didn't check.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Maya Rudolph]

And if I did. No, I just ate at all time because I love it so much. And I.

[Pete Holmes]

Where we go? Totos los dias.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I got.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you have a red bearded gentleman that greeted you? No, that's Reuben. If.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, it was a lady and she did not have a red.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's Rubenina. God, you're great. You're wonderful. Thank you.

[Maya Rudolph]

But they don't make the adventure bread anymore. And it was my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have as many options at that at all time. Although I do like it. The coffee is really good.

[Maya Rudolph]

The coffee's great. I just had the coffee and I had a dish called the boat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we know the boat.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's. It's delightful.

[Pete Holmes]

We know the boat.

[Maya Rudolph]

We get in the boat.

[Pete Holmes]

Lithuanian. Well, the. I. I'm vegan. I'm mostly vegan, but I'll eat the cheesy egg bread, which is not vegan, which means I'm not a vegan.

[Maya Rudolph]

So I'm going for that. Like, you're a vegan. A choice.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a chicken. I like to say I'm a Flegan. Look, Chigen, I definitely have the feeling of a chicken. Like, if I say I'm a vegan, people in their minds are just like, not all the time.

[Maya Rudolph]

Paul's vegan.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at this guy. Really?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pta. Pt. Animal. Wait. PETA. Thomas Sanderson.

[Maya Rudolph]

It is. Oh, I have a feeling it is only just begun. Do you guys know each other?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I was gonna tell you my embarrassing PTA story.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Because not just you, but if I'm trying to think if somebody has a famous relationship or something, I can't come to mind with an example. Like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like Bert and Lonnie.

[Pete Holmes]

Bert and Lonnie.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like Burt Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson.

[Pete Holmes]

But I mean, neither of them.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's the first one.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to think if somebody's on the podcast and there's the thing and.

[Maya Rudolph]

You don't want to bring, like, if I was Angelina.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Don't bring a bread. Don't bring a bread. Don't bring a bread.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, also, if you're divorced, maybe you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Are they. I can't keep up. I really.

[Maya Rudolph]

Who really knows?

[Pete Holmes]

I always.

[Maya Rudolph]

But if it was. I'm trying to think of like a. Like a real hot Hot couple. Celeb couple.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie. Can you think of it? Yeah. Why am I outside?

[Maya Rudolph]

Why are we trying to think?

[Pete Holmes]

But there. I know. You know, we don't have to relax your body. Just relax.

[Maya Rudolph]

And just. The first one that comes to mind is jlo and Ben. I did it.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're back.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're back.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're back tattoo.

[Maya Rudolph]

I should have said Bennifer. I apologize.

[Pete Holmes]

Bennifer, have you seen Benny's back tattoo?

[Maya Rudolph]

I have not.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you met Ben?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You must have.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, yes. I mean, many times.

[Pete Holmes]

Not since the back tattoo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Not since the back tattoo.

[Pete Holmes]

You know the back tattoo?

[Maya Rudolph]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, well, give it a goo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like. Oh, I was gonna say I've never seen him take his shirt off.

[Pete Holmes]

Turn that safe search off and go ahead and give it a goo. You don't need safe search off.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'll keep my safe search on.

[Pete Holmes]

He has. I know that about you. You don't want to see a wayward nipple when you're just looking for mountain ranges. This. He has a very, very full back. Sort of. People are calling it like a midlife crisis sort of tattoo.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is it of JLo?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, there's a would her butt fit? Joke that I don't want to make.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's a beautiful bum. It's a beautiful bum. I'm saying it in a positive way.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm saying, like, it's exceptional.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a peach.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say it's a peach. It's a beautiful. Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's also natural, which I love.

[Pete Holmes]

No implants in the j. I love nature.

[Maya Rudolph]

A lot.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great way to get, like, your weird uncle involved in nature. Like, J. Lo's butt is nature.

[Maya Rudolph]

I couldn't love that more. Give me a natural booty any day.

[Pete Holmes]

But we think of, like, fields of clover. That's nature. But J. Lo's butt is also nature.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, yes, because of the predominant non natural buttocks.

[Pete Holmes]

That there are a lot of implant butts.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my. Oh, my. Pete, what are we gonna do?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my.

[Maya Rudolph]

There's so many.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, gosh.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like. No. Nope. You know what I feel like? I feel like men are supposed to say, I can tell. No one can tell.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what's weird about me? I am so visual. I'm visual. Visual, Visual, baby. Like, about everything. I can do this. I. I know all things.

[Pete Holmes]

You learn visual, you mean?

[Maya Rudolph]

I definitely learn visually. I. I draw. I love clothing. I. I can't think of all the.

[Pete Holmes]

Things, but I'm pornography, hardcore pornography.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I can't. I'm really bad at telling when someone's had work done and I don't know why that is. Because I'm great. Like, I'll remember your face. I'll never remember your name, but I'll.

[Pete Holmes]

Faces all of it. I'll join you. Can't spot a wig.

[Maya Rudolph]

And you know what? Same. Well, wigs are really good right now. If they're front lace, they're excellent. If they're front lace wigs, they're excellent.

[Pete Holmes]

I just did a movie where they made me a wig because arbitrarily I was like, I don't want to cut my Covid hair. Just like on a whim.

[Maya Rudolph]

Good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what?

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Good for you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Fuck them.

[Maya Rudolph]

Fuck them and their scissors.

[Pete Holmes]

But the guy, the woman. Forgive me, that did it did Krasinski's wig. Do you know the Krasinski wig story?

[Maya Rudolph]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Krasinski wanted to shut you. We're talking about John Krasinski's whole mug to the camera. John Krasinski. Those are cameras. That's my camera.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just figured they were going to take pictures of us at some point, but I just realized there's cameras in it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a matrix. Bullet time.

[Maya Rudolph]

So if I go backwards slowly and.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll shoot my agent. Forget it. Listen, just forget the whole. Let's delete it and start again.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Krasinski wanted to cut his hair for some movie.

[Maya Rudolph]

Gotcha.

[Pete Holmes]

This is at the height of the Office and remember how we all love this?

[Maya Rudolph]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

The Krasin, the little peekaboo.

[Maya Rudolph]

The ski.

[Pete Holmes]

The ski.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Krasin and then it's ski and it's a little Flying Nun.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And we loved it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It was the 90s adorbs. It was the early twos.

[Maya Rudolph]

It was totes adorbs.

[Pete Holmes]

But we loved it. We were wet when we were wet. We were hard when we were hard. I'm so sorry, but I'm not sorry, but we were wet when we were wet and we were hard. When we were hard. The opening line of a book I definitely need to read. We were wet when we were. You got a pen right there. I have wink written down. When we were wet.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sorry. It's so humiliating.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't know why I keep making fart noises. Other than it's very.

[Maya Rudolph]

I always make fart noises and I make wet fart noises.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you something? I said to Val. So you met Val Yes, I have. And she's the best.

[Maya Rudolph]

The best. Clearly the best.

[Pete Holmes]

Clearly the best.

[Maya Rudolph]

Or simply.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I said to Val recently, I said, you know when you fart and you can tell on the toilet and you can tell the depth of the toilet and how much water is in it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. You're making me think of. You know, it's like sonar. No one has to acknowledge that. We all know that Fred Armisen is a genius. And he used to make the sound of when girls are on the toilet.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Maya Rudolph]

But the fart that comes out, I can't do it. As good as. Oh, God. It was. It's so accurate. And I was also like, yeah, how are you so accurate?

[Pete Holmes]

Where are you getting this intel? I mean, Fred's in a long term relationship. Let's not out that it might be Natasha's butt sound.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, they're not together anymore, so is that real? This was pre Natasha.

[Pete Holmes]

I just hang out with you just to know who.

[Maya Rudolph]

What do you want to know?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Bennifer is bad.

[Maya Rudolph]

Who's stepping? Who.

[Pete Holmes]

Who.

[Maya Rudolph]

You remember that Aretha Franklin song.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna ask you. Speaking of Fred. Only if you enjoy it. My favorite thing to do is improv, singing, mirroring.

[Maya Rudolph]

Only if you wanted it. It's my favorite thing ever.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my favorite thing too.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have certain things that are my favorite things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

You talked about something when you had Mitch Hurwitz on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

That touched like a. It was a little flicker in me that I was like, oh, I relate to that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your fave.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, just when you said the thing about, like, I wish I could go to a camp and like, do the thing that I do and then come home and be a dad, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, well, that was me on the multicam and that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I understand that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Just a little talent show. Well, that's you getting called Rudolph and liking it. I'm okay with liking attention.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if there's a safe little corralled off space where you can go, you know, movie sets are similar, TV shows are similar. It's like a built in community. And everyone's okay with you needing to razzle dazzle.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what's so wrong about that?

[Maya Rudolph]

You need to razzle.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to. And from what I can tell, the people in the audience like watching razzle dazzle, so it's mutually beneficial.

[Maya Rudolph]

They like razzle dazzle and they don't want to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't want to do it.

[Maya Rudolph]

You do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we've gotten Val out on Stage, which she's helped me understand that, like, I've always thought, like, everyone in the audience was like me. When I was a little boy, I would go to plays and I'd be like, they're gonna call me up.

[Maya Rudolph]

And were you ready?

[Pete Holmes]

I was ready.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, did you do shows in the living room and stuff?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I sang little songs, improvised songs. Learned very quickly. If you want to be a shiny rock. Learning how to improvise a song was, like, the fastest way to, like, blow my eyes.

[Maya Rudolph]

It is the best parlor trick.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the best parlor trick. It's like a little David Blaine. You swallow.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, I. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you know what I mean? He lives in your belly. And if you want to be like, I saw him.

[Maya Rudolph]

The last time I saw him do something was he produced frogs from his throat. D. Blaine. D. Blaine.

[Pete Holmes]

Living frogs.

[Maya Rudolph]

Living frogs. They were alive when they came out.

[Pete Holmes]

They came out of his throat. How long were you talking to him before the frogs came out?

[Maya Rudolph]

I didn't talk to him before. I was sitting next to him at an audience. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, second question. Did he say, sorry, I have a frog in my. Did he? Because then he chose not to. No, because no. One time we were.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's the magic. But he did drink a lot of.

[Pete Holmes]

Water before, so he's keeping them hydrated.

[Maya Rudolph]

Duh.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to kill a frog in your throat.

[Maya Rudolph]

No. Because I think we have a lot of stomach acid, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm gonna say yeah. Are you're a scientist based on the stomach acid of cows? I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

Based on my gerd. Your gird. My. My g. My gastrointestinal. Probably would. Well, I've had.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you'd be the first to know.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was told probably in, like, 2012 that I had it and kind of like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I think once you have children and your body and your organs move.

[Pete Holmes]

No more trampolines.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wow me.

[Pete Holmes]

And you'll pee.

[Maya Rudolph]

Don't get along all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

You're peeing currently, Right. Well, I make Val Peer pants all the time. That's. That's the best thing for a clown.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, that's. That's a true sign for a clown.

[Pete Holmes]

The clown is like, oh, my God. This is the.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you buy her the period underwear?

[Pete Holmes]

She has it. And it hangs on the shower.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, because you hand. You hand rinse it.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta hand rinse it.

[Maya Rudolph]

You gotta hand rinse that.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta get that blood out.

[Maya Rudolph]

You gotta get that blood out or that pee. Pee.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask you, do you Love intimacy as much as I do because I love it.

[Maya Rudolph]

You mean having sex with your wife or just talking about omg, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

For making it safe for me to be like, don't you just love to bone down? I mean, like, I meant. I meant intimacy like the. Like that Val and I are, like, comfortable. Like, we're not. We're not dating anymore. And the period underwear is on the. The shower because you're a grown ass.

[Maya Rudolph]

Man, and that's what it should be. And also, like, say, and you're raising a child like, we're humans, and it's real shit. It's real.

[Pete Holmes]

Dating is fake shit.

[Maya Rudolph]

Fake dating is fake.

[Pete Holmes]

Why would you want to do that? Like, the people that are, like, perpetually single, you want to go on, like, a million. Like, so you have two brothers. Like, what is this?

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, people that don't fart in front of their partner? That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you. Can I get a trophy for you? Katie is laughing because she knows I always bring up fart policy, and everyone looks at me disgusted that I fart in front of Val. I. I don't understand. Maya.

[Maya Rudolph]

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I try to be more polite to my co workers and, like, don't take it easy or don't take it easy on the rippers. But what I'm saying is, like, how can you not be human with the person that you live with?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want someone lying to me constantly, constantly. And also in the pain, and then in bad pain.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, gurgle, gurgle, bad mood. I shouldn't constantly, like, pull a Dutch oven. I should try to be more conscientious.

[Pete Holmes]

I said this on stage the other night, and I was just being honest. That's my favorite. I was just being real. And I was like, I was talking about this. There were three examples of why I love being married. One of them, just for fun, is we were talking about what our favorite Subway sandwich was. Remember when we all ate at Subway?

[Maya Rudolph]

Of course I did it. My entire Groundlings career, of course, fueled by a Subway sandwich.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all you can do. We all thought it was healthy, too. We were like, this is so healthy. This is, like, erewhon. This is, like, now. It's like the public library. I see people in Subway, and I'm like, are you okay? Like, really?

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm in the door. You're like, you guys all right?

[Pete Holmes]

You know how they have those panic buttons you push on bridges? Like, it's like, there is hope. There should be one of those in Subway.

[Maya Rudolph]

What'd you do today? How do you. Oh, babe, I went to the subway and I freed these three people I freed.

[Pete Holmes]

There should be, like, negotiators with bullhorns being like, that is not ham. It's not ham.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you remember the rumor when they were saying that the tuna was made out of, like, something that wasn't fish?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You know who started that rumor?

[Maya Rudolph]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

Dan Quizno.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm so sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

All my improv instincts said I should say, yes, it was me. But I wanted to say Dan Quizno. I wanted to say I apologize for.

[Maya Rudolph]

A Dan Quizno joke. Dan Quizno.

[Pete Holmes]

Where were we? Oh, I said, what was yours? And she said, we love each other. That's, like, foregone. Like, there's no seduction. We love each other. And on that foundation, I felt free. She said it was the 6 inch meatball. And I said, ooh, the hungry girl's choice. And the punchline is my. I went and we had sex that night like, it wasn't a big deal. Like, but dating, you can't say like, ooh, the hungry, unless you're an asshole. No, but when you love each other.

[Maya Rudolph]

She would, like, she would not order it in front of you because she was embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We throw down with, how do we do that?

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I guess we have to sell ourselves to be bought.

[Pete Holmes]

To be bought.

[Maya Rudolph]

Right. And then this is. This is cute. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

But this is what I'm talking about. Period underwear on the shower spigot.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sure, dial. I'm not a jerk. I don't care. Whatever you want to call it, Pete, it's your period.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me a story. You get in the shower and you turn the.

[Maya Rudolph]

Turn on the faucet.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, turn on the faucet. Faucet.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, it's a spigot. Right. Handle. Well, my. My shower is old and weird.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a spigot. Right. Well, I'm picturing.

[Maya Rudolph]

You're picturing the. The basement with the bowling alley.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. You knew where the riff was. I was like, there's an aesthetic. It's a locked off. It's a locked off shot. Like, there is a camera on it. It's locked off. No, it's pushing in slowly. That. Okay, so that's one of the threads we have.

[Maya Rudolph]

Don't feel bad about talking about Paul. Oh, you never told the story.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to tell you the story.

[Maya Rudolph]

Are you gonna tell me at the end of this if I have ADHD or not? Cause I might cut you off too many times. So just Let me. If I do, I apologize.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you feel like a piece of pineapple in a non fruit salad right now or do you feel like you're in a fruit salad?

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the same thing is happening.

[Maya Rudolph]

This is a chock full fruit salad.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's a tropical.

[Maya Rudolph]

It does have some tropical flavor.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God. And pomegranate. And that's effort.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, give it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, have you had a fruit salad with mint on it? Because why aren't there all mint on it? On fruits? It's the best.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what I do sometimes when I'm really feeling like I want to have people over and feed them just a little bit of lemon. Not a lot. And just a little bit of honey. Not a lot. Because why would you need fruit on honey? That's crazy. And mint.

[Pete Holmes]

You win. You brought up farting the best so that you have an open fart policy. Then I won't forget to tell you my pizza.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sometimes I get called out quite a bit for like. All right, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

At work too.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, listen, at snl. Yeah. Because it's a. It's a.

[Pete Holmes]

You're there all the time.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, it's a college dorm.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And you're there to late in the morning, like. And you ate McDonald's at 6 in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

So a McGriddle's coming back. Guess what? The McRib is back. Guys. That's a funny way to announce a McDonald's part. Hey, McRib is back.

[Maya Rudolph]

Good news, guys. You're blowing a huge horn.

[Pete Holmes]

You are the first.

[Maya Rudolph]

And like a ram's horn.

[Pete Holmes]

And Pete. Yeah? Ashkenazi. Ashkenazi. I don't like the word Ashkenazi because it has Nazi in the last four letters.

[Maya Rudolph]

They weren't nice to us. Pete, listen. The Nazis, they were not nice to us. To us Jews. Where is your family from in Lithuania?

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. So I saw that your mother is from villainous.

[Maya Rudolph]

My father.

[Pete Holmes]

Your father. Forgive. Yeah, forgive and forget. Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Fine.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'll show you. I texted my Lithuanian mom.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, is she Lithuanian?

[Pete Holmes]

Full? Full what? Left when she was seven. No fleeing. Then leave the Oshka. Well, actually the Lithuanians weren't great. I've heard during World War II.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no, I wasn't there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but they weren't. They certain nobody's gonna make a. I don't know. I'm not gonna talk. I remember.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm still new at learning about my Lithuanian heritage.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's put it this way. My mom went to a Holocaust Museum and left a little disappointed in lady Lithuania. That's all I remember. So I don't know the details and maybe my mom misread a plaque, but my. My friend Moshe Kasher gave me. Obviously Jewish Moshe. Moses, if Moshe didn't convince you, Casher, you're like, Catherine.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was like, we get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. That's a bit overkill. But he was joking that as soon as World War II. I can't do this joke.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just like they just started building horrible buildings. That's terrible.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's fine though, because you preface it by saying Moshe Kasher said it. You didn't. That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't say it.

[Maya Rudolph]

It. You're just. You're just quoting.

[Pete Holmes]

I was quoting. I was quoting.

[Maya Rudolph]

By the way, the police are here. They've come to arrest you.

[Pete Holmes]

The bit police.

[Maya Rudolph]

The bit police.

[Pete Holmes]

That is a. Val. Val and I do that when we know when we do Friday. When we talk. I was talking about this past Friday. I said China is shaped like a witch. I don't know if you. The country. Like, you know how Italy's a boot.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Kentucky's a chicken leg.

[Maya Rudolph]

Notice the witch.

[Pete Holmes]

China is a witch flying towards Lithuania like it's flying right to left.

[Maya Rudolph]

I can't wait to check her out.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta check her out. She's kind of hot.

[Maya Rudolph]

I love witches, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we're gonna get to that. Put a broomstick.

[Maya Rudolph]

Love them.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna get. You have no idea what waters you just waded into. I was a reenactor in Salem, so. But don't worry.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's right. You're Massachusetts.

[Pete Holmes]

Modern day Salem. Nothing of historical import happened there.

[Maya Rudolph]

I've been. I've been to all the crystal shops.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was in Danvers. Danvers was Salem Village.

[Maya Rudolph]

I've been to Danvers.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, then you've been to where all the real happened. Witch trial style. We're gonn that so I would.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yum.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that mint on this?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, there's mint on that. Danvers. Hot Danvers.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot Danvers.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hot Danvers.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I said China looks like a witch. And then Maya, it wasn't even a bit. I was like, I'm not saying people from China are witches. That's how afraid I can get sometimes.

[Maya Rudolph]

I want to see this out loud.

[Pete Holmes]

Bits and being pulled over for a bit.

[Maya Rudolph]

Here's what's hard right now. Other than me.

[Pete Holmes]

We were hard when. We were hard when we were wet.

[Maya Rudolph]

Creating creative content in the. In the days of social media is rough.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, because Everything's on the record.

[Maya Rudolph]

Everything is on the record. I don't care for that. My instinct when Twitter started, I remember, was like, yeah, I don't think I should do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I know what you mean.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't want. I don't want someone to go, hey, remember that thing you said 18 years, years ago?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have it right here. I just felt like that's not for me. And I think about it a lot. In the freedom that we had at SNL when I was there, not to say anything about what I did or didn't do. Just that. Like, I didn't have that hanging over my head. Like, we had Internet trolls, and that was just. Just percolating.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And that was really fun because I love being called Chipmunk Cheeks and things like that. But, like, cc. Oh, yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. Cmc. Cmc. I'm making Chipmunk. Two letters, but chipmunk.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's the chip. Chip. Chunk Cheeks. Chip. Chunk Cheeks.

[Pete Holmes]

You found a way to make ccc, right.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's because I'm a really good musical improviser.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It's a good parlor chick, so. Oh, the trolls would call you Chipmunk cheeks.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way. No, get the out of here.

[Maya Rudolph]

Get the out of here. What do your cheeks look like?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, and we'll see who's laughing come winter.

[Maya Rudolph]

And by the way, I'm smart. I store my nuts. I keep them for when it's cold outside.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, this is gonna be crazy, but Val and I, we laugh because every time we have sex, I'll say, like, I'll mean it earnestly. I'll go, like, what a baby Rino. Like, I'll say, I know you think it's cute.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, during or after?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, right before. Like, kind of when she's becoming nude.

[Maya Rudolph]

You're not sick of this, right?

[Pete Holmes]

She hasn't heard that one, have you, Baberino? That's fresh. I'm cooking it fresh for you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Are you really? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to find the fresh.

[Maya Rudolph]

Putting it in the grid. On the griddle.

[Pete Holmes]

On the griddle?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, in the griddle.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm putting it in the Subway bread. Remember when Subway used to cut the top out and then put that removed bread on top of it?

[Maya Rudolph]

Give it to me, give it to me. You know why? Because I like that inner soft bread.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the inner.

[Maya Rudolph]

Everybody does. Do you like the crust or the soft. Soft. When you get a roll at a dinner restaurant, do you like. Like, are you. Because I have weird family members who will. Like, they'll take the hot Hot bread. And they'll, like, take off the crust and hand it to the person in the family. Likes the crust because they like the inside.

[Pete Holmes]

I will do both because I'm not. I'm not a child. Not to put down that friend or family.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, he's my uncle.

[Pete Holmes]

What's his name?

[Maya Rudolph]

Doug Rudolph. Doug.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on. Wait. Maybe he's having dental problems.

[Maya Rudolph]

He likes. No, he like. No, he's very particular.

[Pete Holmes]

Doug's dental health.

[Maya Rudolph]

His dental.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know, Doug's. I'm his dentist. My uncle Doug is the. Maybe Doug Rudolph. He might be one of the most fascinating human beings alive.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me one.

[Maya Rudolph]

The way he eats is like nothing I've ever seen in my life. And it's very. Like, he's really serious about it and he watches it. He knows he's made fun of by everyone in our family.

[Pete Holmes]

What is he doing?

[Maya Rudolph]

And he doesn't give a.

[Pete Holmes]

He gives a zero.

[Maya Rudolph]

He. He loves food and he's particular about it, and he likes it the way he likes it. So thinking like, because he's been in the rest. He's in the restaurant business, by the way, so he's serious about it. Like, he wants it to be cooked right. He wants it to taste good. He wants it to be hot when it's supposed to be hot, cold when it's supposed to be cold. But like, eating hard when it's supposed to be hard. When it's supposed to be hard. Hey, nice callback.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm here. I'm here. I don't know because of the.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because I had Covid, but he.

[Pete Holmes]

Brain fog.

[Maya Rudolph]

He'll take a bite of his burger and then the knife goes. And a little bit of catch ketchup and a little bit of. Oh, man. Little thing. Each bite has to be right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't hate it. Martin has a bit about how when you eat a salad, you make a mini salad on every fork.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that's cute. God, he's so clever. Yeah, I think I'm a genius because I. Because I don't do stand up, which you probably noticed, and I.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean, like, because of right now?

[Maya Rudolph]

Because. Well, no, just because you've never done it in your stand up. So, like, if it's clear, like, I do. I do not do it. Even though I think that people who are probably not listening to your podcast or else they. Because people that are stupid is what I'm trying to say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Dum dums, dum dums. Think that comedians all do standup.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I remember that.

[Maya Rudolph]

There Are many forms of. Of comedian and I, I don't do standup. Although I will say now that I'm older, more appealing.

[Pete Holmes]

More appealing because it's. You can monologue, you can whatever is going on in your life.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just feel more comfortable. It's similar to what you said on the Mitch podcast. It is about how you were saying the first 10 years you're like, work on the. Write the jokes, write the jokes. Maybe 10 years later you can just. You can just do the feeling of, you know, you're gonna know what you're gonna talk about.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's true because I did a show last night and that subway thing that I reheated for us here just kind of came out. But it wasn't written down anywhere.

[Maya Rudolph]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you could do that.

[Maya Rudolph]

You can rely on that. And you know your voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's a big part for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wouldn't want you. It's almost like a risk. Maybe you've heard me say, like improvisers are like the elves and stand ups are like DW dwarves. I actually kind of mean that to put down my own species. Even though I. I improvise as well. But like I am a stand up.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like alone and we go into the minds of Moria. What's that?

[Maya Rudolph]

You're Dobby.

[Pete Holmes]

Dobby from.

[Maya Rudolph]

From Harry Potter.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. Lord of the Rings are bust. But yeah, I understand now that I am Dobby. Thank you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Dobby is pretty cute.

[Pete Holmes]

My manager looks exactly like Ron Weasley, so. Oh, you're into it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I am.

[Pete Holmes]

We were hard when we were hard. Really? Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Ron Weasley's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

The redhead.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I wasn't so aghast because maybe he's a fan and he's like, oh, bloody O.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's adorable.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm good looking.

[Maya Rudolph]

He. Well, he is meant to be a little bit of a goof, but he grow. He grows into it.

[Pete Holmes]

He's cute, but he has those two brothers. They're a little more waka waka.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're both Fozzie Bear. Both of his brothers are Fozzie Bear.

[Pete Holmes]

I got two fuzzies. Sorry, I just want to do the voice. Please.

[Maya Rudolph]

Keep going.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, listen, we're talk. Does PTA fart?

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I'm not gonna out him on your podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Why not?

[Maya Rudolph]

Have to let him come.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Yeah, anytime. Been a dream guest for a long time. But listen, you know what? Val and I were talking.

[Maya Rudolph]

I guarantee if you have him come, he'll Answer. Answer you.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Val. Well, then we won't embarrass pt. But I was talking to Val. This is too embarrassing.

[Maya Rudolph]

You don't have secrets to your podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but if we're not telling secrets, who cares? It's sort of the.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I just. You know what I feel. I feel badly if I, like, like, open the fart gates for someone else.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Spread and release. Remember the breathe. Right. Were you on. Was that your season? It was Keenan, and they put a breathe Right strip between your butt cheeks. So I remember that. I think you were on at that point.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't remember anything, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Why would you.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, I mean, I really don't remember most things.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we said that on the way in that we're not good with time.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm not good with time. And I think I black out time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

A little bit. And I don't mean blackout, like, blackout drunk. Like, I think I delete it. I think I have some. Some block box.

[Pete Holmes]

I think whether or not others. Professionals might call it add. I think there's something that helps us. Meaning we like the way our brains work.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll speak for myself. I like the way my brain works.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I do tend. The bridge is on fire behind me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm really just kind of doing what I'm doing.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, when we're trying to think of other guests that I've had on that I'm like, don't talk about. I couldn't think of any.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you think that is. It does. Has that changed since Parenthood for you? Because it has. For me.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning it's. It's worse.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, it just speaks. I think that it's just because you have to be more present. You have to be present constantly.

[Pete Holmes]

The secret. Right. And I don't mean Oprah's like, think about it, and you'll be on snl. Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Tiara, tiara this. Ooey, tiara. My neck isn't moving that much. And then it just cracked. I was trying to do, like, the light, and it just. Like, I'm so stiff.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm stiff.

[Maya Rudolph]

I want to. I want to be an adult where I get massages every day or even once a week.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard Edie Falk.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, give it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

She was on NPR or something, and she was. And this is before I had Leela, which, of course, I don't have to say this, but I like saying it. Greatest joy of my life.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know. I mean, best thing in the Damn.

[Pete Holmes]

World, I wish there were nine of them. I mean, I love her so much. I mean, let's get Mormon with it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Getting Mormon with it.

[Pete Holmes]

Getting Mormon with it.

[Maya Rudolph]

It. That's the song, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Since the slap. It's.

[Maya Rudolph]

I had to reference.

[Pete Holmes]

Weren't you there for the slap? You must have been.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you want to know the truth?

[Pete Holmes]

Hit it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was at the bar.

[Pete Holmes]

Funny.

[Maya Rudolph]

Paul's category had. Paul had just lost.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, get the out of here.

[Maya Rudolph]

Get the out of here. Academy saw Licky Pete's. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

At a screening where he gave a little chitty chat at the Village. We were. Yeah. And we were sitting in front of whatever the sisters are called. So the Heim sisters. Yes. Forgive and forget. So the other Heim sisters are behind me. And PTA was going on and on about how amazing. What is the one in the movie. Forgive Alana.

[Maya Rudolph]

Forgive it. Forget.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just names. It's not personal. I think she's transcendent and amazing.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't make people apologize anymore for shit unless they're assholes. Because we all are busy and we have lives.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. Pre kid. I'd be like, alana Heim grown ups. But now I'm like the wonderful woman from that movie.

[Maya Rudolph]

Grown ups.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, we're grown ups. We're farting. What I was gonna say was I was talking to Valen mid conversation. I spread and let it out. So it was soundless. And we just kept talking. That's intimacy.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's absolutely something that I do.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Maya Rudolph]

And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel so safe.

[Maya Rudolph]

Very helpful. Because I don't want to. Exactly. And like, I feel like that's more offensive. You don't want to be like. Because that would almost like punctuate like the. The.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's an ellipses. It does punctuate. It.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's an ellipses. Technically, it's an ellipses.

[Pete Holmes]

I've had a semicolon come out of my. My semicolon.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's a semicolon.

[Pete Holmes]

An exclamation point is when there's a little shit at the end. It's like, little shit.

[Maya Rudolph]

My dog. My. My smallest dog does that sometimes. She'll. She'll poop. But then she doesn't. Like, she just runs off. She doesn't finish. And then she'll just run. I'm like, what is there. Why is there a tiny poop on the floor?

[Pete Holmes]

Love. Need.

[Maya Rudolph]

She just left it there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what Brody. Brody will walk for a while. There's always. And then there's the. It's like. I'm like a forensic scientist. Like, at a plane crash. I'm like, well, this is the point of impact. But this. This residue here says that the dog walked a little.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because, like. Cause don't you hate it when they scoot? There's. They scoot their butt off.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate everything about my dog shitting.

[Maya Rudolph]

For me, it's a bummer. Well, I'm sorry. Who likes it?

[Pete Holmes]

I think some dog people are like, I love the bags. I love the squish. They're into it. He just poops so often. I didn't know how much of it. It's my first dog. I didn't know how much of it was gonna be picking up.

[Maya Rudolph]

First dog, welcome.

[Pete Holmes]

And they. And they poop in boxes.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't have cats because I'm allergic.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm allergic to.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't want to offend you because you love you. You love cats. But I always thought cats were assholes, but they are.

[Pete Holmes]

That's their charm.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A dog likes you. Who fucking cares? I used to have a joke. He'd like a pillow with my T shirt on it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Be like, I love you, dad. Like, who cares if you get a cat to love you?

[Maya Rudolph]

That's, like, shocking.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. As a performer, I enjoy it. It's like a bad audience.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you won them over. Now they're purring like me, and they make a pleasure sound. Dogs don't have a pleasure sound. There's no.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's just. I'm not sure what that sound is.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it and I needed it. Where were we? I was about to tell. Oh, so do I have any I'm in front of. No, but it's my job.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's also missed. It's also undiagnosed because I was born in 1972, so who knows what else I have?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'm sure I got. We all have it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Definitely.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean. Yes. I mean, by now you think it's a hard yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a hard yes. But it's a hard yes. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was in, sitting in front of the Himes and their father, who's great in that movie. And Paul kept going on about how great Alana is. And I. I could have been projecting it, but I was like, this is getting uncomfortable because the other ones were behind me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was just. And he was just like. And I mean, look at her. She's just. I don't mean. Look at her like her beauty. But she is beautiful. But he was just like. Like, she's my muse. She. I made the movie for her and I'm like, do you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you do that thing that I do where you want everybody to be happy?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I'm a. I'm a PP pleaser. I'm a PE please. Yeah. It can be a pee problem, by the way.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, that's correct.

[Pete Holmes]

And I had to learn later in life how to have pee boundaries.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have. You seem like you have pee boundaries.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I was intimidated emailing you. I was like, she really seems, like, strong.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, that's a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Go back and reread the emails and imagine me being like, hello, Ms. Rudolph. Like, just like. Like those were.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why do you think that? Because of, like, characters I've played or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Because people say that you seem like a very.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because I have, like, dark hair. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like there's a confidence in your work. There's a confidence right now that I'm just like this person. Self assured. Oh, yeah. Come on. Get this woman a Havana.

[Maya Rudolph]

Where's my stogie? Sorry. I'm gonna get.

[Pete Holmes]

Where's the jar? Don't worry about it. We'll use that shot. We won't even show what you were doing.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I'll be like, these are all flat.

[Pete Holmes]

These are high. These are high.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. You're low and so am I.

[Pete Holmes]

You're good.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm good.

[Pete Holmes]

Get the jar of pipes from twbb. Do you call it TWBB in the house?

[Maya Rudolph]

Only. Only in the house.

[Pete Holmes]

Sweetheart, sweetheart. This is not twbb.

[Maya Rudolph]

TWBB is on.

[Pete Holmes]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is also brought to us by our friends at Shakti Mats. Shakti mats are like laying on a bed of nails. And I'm not joking. It's thousands of tiny pokies. These tiny spikes that release muscle tension, boost circulation and help melt away stress. I usually say this at the end, but I'm going to say it here. It's a fantastic gift idea for literally the person who has everything. You don't know what to get them. Get him a Shakti mat because what is it really? It's a personal masseuse. It's a stress relief. It's like a spa rolled up in the corner of your bedroom. You unfurl it, you lay on it, and you melt away tension. I like massage. I like things like sauna. I like things like cold plunge. Somehow a shakti mat is a bit of a taste of all of those things. But you stay dry. It's easy to do and it only takes a couple minutes. Minutes. Although the first time I used a Shakti mat I stayed on it for about half an hour and I fell asleep. And I absolutely love it. This is we're talking about acupressure. Matte means a little discomfort, means a lot of relief. And Shakti mat is a very, very high quality acupressure mat. It's one of the sharpest on the market and it's the only one. It's made handmade in India by people who are paid fairly with the highest quality materials. And I can vouch for that. That go to Shakti. S-H-A-K-T-I-M A T shaktimat.com use promo code weird30 is the code for 30% off any Shakti mat. That's shaktimat.com use Promo Code weird30 and have that stress melting away. I use it constantly. I hope you like it as much as I do. We're also brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. If you're watching the video, I'm pointing my Apollo. I'm always wearing my Apollo. Usually when I do the podcast I have it set to social. What is it? Apollo Neuro is a revolutionary wearable that helps you naturally manage stress, improves your sleep and boosts focus through gentle scientifically backed vibrations. That doesn't really mean you feel it perceptually all the time because I keep it on a pretty low setting. You can turn it up if you want to, but it's the language that your nervous system speaks. These vibrations are scientifically backed by to speak to your nervous system and basically be a synthetic hug, calming you down, helping you recover. It's a holistic approach to wellness and Apollo Neuro fits seamlessly into any routine. These vibrations can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, faster recovery. It's drug free and non invasive. It's a natural alternative to traditional stress relief relief methods and it is science back versatile. Developed by neuroscientists and supported by clinical research. Made in the US Money back guarantee. You got to try it. I've worn mine for years and I've lost it in the past and immediately reordered it and that is the test that you know, it makes a difference in my life. Try Apollo Neuro today and transform your wellness routine. With rising demand, now is the perfect time to buy. They do often sell out and they have 0% APR financing with a firm. Go to Apollon neuro.com weird for 60 bucks off and a free sleep band. That's a P O L L O N u r o dot com. Weird. For 60 bucks off and a free sleep band. Back to the show. Okay, where were we? It doesn't matter. Here's my PTA story.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, yes, please.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm at Lady Largo. I didn't know a Paul looked like I got off stage. Now I do.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's a real baby.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, he's a dope ass baberino. And we were talking about this off cam. I think he's only. I think he's 10 times the Babe. I watched a making of Magnolia featurette and I was like, look, no offense, he was a babe then too. But I was like, he's skinny. He looks young.

[Maya Rudolph]

I watched that too.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Maya Rudolph]

I was like, he's pretty hot.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, I hope so.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, but that was that because I was doing research on him because we didn't have like the. The googling that we have now at the time that I met him.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. When Magnolia came out, you couldn't just go on YouTube and go, making of Magnolia. But now you can. It's awesome.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. You can also watch so many. There's so many more useful things for the spank bank now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. If you want to spank it to your own husband, which, by the way, I wish there were interviews of Val. I masturbated with my own wife.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think I know what he's saying. He masturbates to all of There will be blood 24. 7.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I come when the oil shoots out. So before I come, a pipe goes. And people run. And I've deafened a child with my whole game.

[Maya Rudolph]

So wonderful. No, that's so wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

And the only way to stop me from jizzing is he goes. And they blow it up with barrels of dynamite. Otherwise I'll just. I'll jizz for days. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. So anyway, I come on stage and there's P. Paul Tom. Paul Tom. Paul Tom. A Paul. Paul Tom.

[Maya Rudolph]

I've never thought or heard Paul Tom. And it's too late now because I am gonna use it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. There's Paul Tom. I. And then Flanny.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, the best. Oh, Flanny.

[Pete Holmes]

Flanny goes. Pete, this is. This is Paul. And he knows that I love. We're not gonna get into it.

[Maya Rudolph]

He knows. He knows all of our loves and wishes and secret desires.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we've talked. Yeah. Flanny knows all. And if you want something on the street, Streets. As I said in the 70s, it's dial it to Flanagan.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's the best telephone Teleflanagan.

[Pete Holmes]

Dial a Flanagan. I don't know what I mean by that. But I told him, he knows about my love of pta. And he goes, it's Paul. And I'm like, you know, it's just some guy named Paul. So I go off, you shouldn't be backstage. No, I didn't say that. I go, nice to meet you.

[Maya Rudolph]

That really seems like you.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, nice to meet you. And he goes, I think Flanny just went, is Paul Thomas Anderson. And I go, oh, my God. And then I proceed to tell Paul Tom. I go, has we talk for a minute. And then I go, are you aware of the theory in the Master? My favorite movie Tied for first is the TWBB and the Master. Tied for first, number three, Phantom Thread. Get real. So I mean, he's all three. So I go, are you aware of the theory that Joaquin is the id, Phil is the ego, and Amy Adams is the superego? Paul Tom then proceeds to tell me that what you probably already know about Paul Tom is that he doesn't really think that way. He's heard that theory. If you look at the poster, it's a. It's a Rorschach test with the three characters. And I'm just like, it really opened up the movie for me. The first time I saw it. I was a little confused.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know there's a Rorschach on the poster. I remember that.

[Pete Holmes]

I sure wasn't Pete explaining it to you. I was like, that sort supports the theory that this is a psychological analysis of.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's what I was looking for. You just gave me what I was looking for, so I'm grateful. And he was like, I've heard that theory, but I don't really work that way. And I was like, yeah, but, you know, like, Joaquin jerks off on the beach. I know. And then Phil gets a hand job from his superego. So he can only come when his superego tells him it's okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? But that's a lot. But the ID can jerk on the beach.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I think Paul Tom thought too, because he's like, well, when we shot that, he was like, joaquin was just improvising. And I proceed to say, what? Like, I don't believe him. I'm like, what? It's mirrored in the movie perfectly.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did you get a little bit mad?

[Pete Holmes]

Not mad, but, like, probably loud. Loud. And I was like, he's like, yeah, Joaquin was just doing his thing, and we were falling. And I'm like, But if you look at. I said this, I was like, if that shot of him jerking off off is framed perfectly so you can't see his dingling, I'm sure he was just going like this. But it's shot so you. It looks like he's drinking out. I was like, how you don't. You need time to frame that up? And how long was he doing it? So I'm getting worked up, and I'm like.

[Maya Rudolph]

You went full throttle instantly. You, like, jumped right in.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm getting louder for fun.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure I was being cool as a cuke. No, you were in the sun.

[Maya Rudolph]

You got really French and had a cigarette immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes, I'm telling him about the mirroring jerk offs. And he goes, you know, I've seen the film.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's funny, Paul Tom. And I went, he's a funny guy.

[Pete Holmes]

I went home and I was like, I'm not. I. I wasn't really worried about it, but I was aware that I had. I was in the neighborhood of. I blew it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, so you're ready for my winking story then? I got to meet Joanie Mitchell.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me. Journey Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

I got to meet.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I do.

[Maya Rudolph]

I got to meet Joan. She goes by Joan, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm doing Alan Rickman in Love, actually. Journey Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't even.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know what I'm talking about? No.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you want. Do you want to know the truth? I've seen some of Love, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the porn ones.

[Maya Rudolph]

Just the. I've seen.

[Pete Holmes]

I've only seen the super cut of the porn. Love Analy. Well, there's a porn story in Love, actually. That's actually quite jarring. It's Martin Freeman. Who then?

[Maya Rudolph]

I've definitely not seen that part.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to watch it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

You said you love Christmas.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I do love, actually. Really?

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing?

[Maya Rudolph]

I've seen. Is the soccer girl in this? In the Chanel ads? In it. Is that the same movie? Emma Thompson.

[Pete Holmes]

Keira Knightley.

[Maya Rudolph]

Keira Knightley. Chanel girl. Chanel girl from the soccer movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's in it, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Keara choppers nightly.

[Maya Rudolph]

Kira choppers nightly. I've seen that before part.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, well, you need to give it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think I've, like, seen it. Like. Like somebody, like, watching over someone's shoulder on a plane or like it was already on on tv.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. This is how I am with the Godfather. Don't tell Paul Tom, I.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is it an age thing? Maybe. Am I significantly older than you? Like, what year did it come out?

[Pete Holmes]

I think we're similar in.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm gonna turn 50 in July.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, you're seven years older than I am. But that's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Bye.

[Pete Holmes]

Bye.

[Maya Rudolph]

So when I was a senior, you were a freshman.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, that's.

[Maya Rudolph]

No. You might not have even started. No, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven years is all of high school, and then I'm smart. Then three years.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, wait, wait. Seven.

[Pete Holmes]

So when I was in sixth grade, you were graduating high school?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Yeah. No. So I was a year off.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, that's also not right.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, did your school go to fifth grade or did it go to sixth? Mine went from seventh to 12th.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Canada.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, here.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Canada. I just didn't realize. I made a joke. I went K to 8.

[Maya Rudolph]

You went, oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I went 9 to 12.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's not what I did.

[Pete Holmes]

We're good.

[Maya Rudolph]

I did. I did K to 6, 7 to 12.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we're gonna do the winking.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, right, Sorry. Winking.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody also told me a Paul Thomas Anderson story where they were yelling about how Boogie Nights didn't work. And then they realized after the fact that it was they were yelling at Paul Thomas Anderson.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why were they yelling about it in the first place?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I think he was on cocaine. And he said he was in a circle, and it was Steve Martin, my friend, and who he didn't know was Paul. Tom.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, who was your friend that was on cocaine?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if I want to out him. I'll tell you all, this is a real.

[Maya Rudolph]

This was a. Yeah. This was a person that, you know that did that.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's now an actor. And I wonder. And he's in a movie that I know. It's a Scorsese movie that I know. Paul Thomas seen it, and I wonder if he ever watches and goes, that's the guy. Robert De Niro was the one who.

[Maya Rudolph]

Was coked up and yelled at Joe Pesci.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Robert De Niro snorted Joe Pesci.

[Maya Rudolph]

He did.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that. That's a short joke Joe Pesci hasn't heard yet. Oh, I'm sorry. Another Robert De Niro snorted me joke.

[Maya Rudolph]

Great. That was my Joe Pesci.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never tried it. And it felt good.

[Maya Rudolph]

And that was the first time it felt good. Oh, I see. I felt comfortable because you were doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the whole show, Maya. That's the whole show.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why aren't you a therapist? You make People so comfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. You listen to Mitch, see if you're ready to. Then wheel. There are some where they're like, I resist this. Some people do.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, to be fair, I think because my in to you was one Ms. Annie Woods. Who. I mean, she's a legend to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she's a legend.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's a legend as a. Of a human being. So, like. Like, if. If you love Annie woods, you're. You're in for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Annie's wonderful. And we. This is my talk show. The background for my talk show. She did the wardrobe for that. That's how we met. And that's. That was a long time ago.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I thought you meant the couch. No, no, the couch was the wardrobe for your talk show. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And had it dusted for you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thank you. Was keep it crispy on your talk show too.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's on the pod. You'll say that at the end. In fact, technically, because you said it. We have to end.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

100% JK.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, phew. I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Maya Rudolph]

What if you kicked me out?

[Pete Holmes]

I never would and I couldn't. Because you're so confident. Question mark?

[Maya Rudolph]

Why do you think I'm confident?

[Pete Holmes]

I think maybe it might be because. Well, first of all, what. What the f. Is going on here? What the f. What we do. We're syndicated in Utah. Second Mormon burn. Sorry, My Latter Day Saints. Anyone that can dominate on Saturday Night Live. That's the name of the show. Right, Right.

[Maya Rudolph]

I hope so.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been calling it Saturday Night. Anyone that can.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, that's what it was called originally. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Sketches on. And consistently. And live. You gotta. Right. You got a little.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's the way I feel about standups as well. It's that confidence thing, that. Which is. Which is interesting because it's the same thing as. It's like, well, I can't do that. That. But I. I only recently. I mean, I'm 49 years old, and I only recently discovered that I'm a live performer. Like, I actually thought that I was an. Yeah, I. I thought I was an actor. Meaning, like, I do it all, but, like, I'm better at live performance. That's what I. That's where I shine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

Internally, that's where I feel good and where I feel like myself.

[Pete Holmes]

And your brain probably comes to.

[Maya Rudolph]

My brain fires on all cylinders.

[Pete Holmes]

See, that's the way it could have gone. That's the Matchbox point. Woody Allen's your favorite filmmaker and. But it is. It's like the ball could have gone this way or that way. So some people there, I remember reading about this in psychology in like, high school. They were like, it's a real thing. Basketball players in front of a crowd are better than basketball players. Not in front of a crowd.

[Maya Rudolph]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's me.

[Maya Rudolph]

I am. Give me a crowd.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Or give me death.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. That's what old Hemingway said.

[Maya Rudolph]

He said that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I, I, I. And I felt good. Like, oh, it took me all this time to learn to admit that about myself or to even notice that about myself, I should say, because why? I don't know. I never noticed it before. I just felt like. Well, I probably know why. Because I've always thought that I had to do what people do. Like, I never felt like the real thing, even though really, truly, I was just making my own path. But I didn't know that I was like, I'm weird. I'd better do what everybody else is doing. So I always try, have tried to do the things you're supposed to do. I. I'm supposed to act in movies. I'm supposed to do the things that actors do. But. But I'm far more alive performing live. Not to say that I'm like, always happy with it. That's a whole other conversation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's just that that's the place where I feel like, oh, now I know what I'm doing.

[Pete Holmes]

I totally get it. It's, it's the feedback of it. It gives it life. Sometimes doing it in front of a camera, I constantly have to remind myself, myself, people will see this. I know, like, people will see this at some point. This will delight them.

[Maya Rudolph]

How different was it for you with the multi cam versus well, we had.

[Pete Holmes]

A little audience, but they were, they were sort of a pretend and they were like this. They laughed. They laughed when they heard the line. That was the laugh. Because they had watched it in blocking. I realized late in the season that they had already seen it and blocking and most of them were on their phones and it's because they were there for 22 hours and that's okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

And to be fair, studio audiences in Los Angeles are probably, you know, working actors as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

So it's just not the same.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not great.

[Maya Rudolph]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

And I would improvise and they would never laugh. And I would.

[Maya Rudolph]

And God, doesn't that feel great?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It hurt my feelings because I was like, if this was because I've been pre co when it was a real audience, like 300 people, you'd improvise. If you said like hello instead of hey, people would laugh just because it was different. And I was like here I am on a multicam. So I'm gonna say some like take a big swing.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing. And you're like, that's so disappointing. I would get, I would get a little upset about that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I would, I would have such hurt feelings.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I would get hurt.

[Maya Rudolph]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're a live performer. Here's a question. On snl, this is one of the things that I'm like, like so take an impression and you did lots of wonderful impressions. Thanks. I've seen your flanny friend Dan Van Kirk taught me that.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's, that's so accurate. It's not down here. It's up, it's up here.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, he's a barrel chested Belfastian.

[Maya Rudolph]

He is.

[Pete Holmes]

He's the, you know, he does Belfast Intermittent Belfasting. Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry. When the pressure is on. Performing. Yes. Doing standup. Yes. Doing a voice. Doing an impression. Harder under pressure. I find for sure.

[Maya Rudolph]

I, I didn't never. I don't feel like I've ever really learned how to be an impressionist. Cuz I think either I, I think impressionists are either impressionists or they're not. But I feel like because I, I think more because I, I think I do impressions with more with like. It's because I have a musical ear. I think I like pick up, I pick up their sounds and their, the way they talk.

[Pete Holmes]

But when the pressure's on, you could still find that pitch.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sometimes not. Yeah, sometimes not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you said that because we have a clip actually you couldn't quite find it here.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh yeah, yeah, I see.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Maya Rudolph]

100 but for real. Last day before yesterday, Saturday, my buddy Natasha Leon hosted and she just broke up with Fred.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Yeah. I tried to tell you.

[Maya Rudolph]

I tried to tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a callback like a year ago. A year ago. Forgive and forget, maybe two. I don't know how long it's been. We don't know. Natasha's one of those people by the way, when you meet her you're like, is this a. Is this a bit. She'll be like, ah geez. Yeah, I'm down in Brooklyn and I'm going over there.

[Maya Rudolph]

See, you're doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I get myself a pack of cigarettes and I smoke.

[Maya Rudolph]

What the. I care. That's now that was it. That was good. Right? But then it was my idea to say let's do impressions of You. We did them. And mine wasn't as good. Fred's was perfect of her. Yes. To her.

[Pete Holmes]

You just did it, per. But that's exactly.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I didn't do it the way I. The way I normally do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I did it on stage the other day. I was trying to do John C. Reilly. This was at the Largo. Oh, I'm gonna buy the Lakers. But it's not quite right. It's not. I can hear it. It's not quite right.

[Maya Rudolph]

Just so.

[Pete Holmes]

So, like. Well, you were relaxed.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was going to say, just relax and think about Benifer. Think about, like, record Ralph. See, that's better.

[Pete Holmes]

It was better. He. I asked him for the lightest champagne they had.

[Maya Rudolph]

I feel like your John C. Sounds like a cartoon dog. John C. Which I like a of lot. Lot.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear that. And I took it as a harsh criticism.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, it's wonderful. He's. He's so lovable.

[Pete Holmes]

I asked him to come on this podcast many times, and he's always been like, no, nobody wants to hear what.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what you should do then. You should make a clay model of him and just do that voice the whole time.

[Pete Holmes]

And it cuts to just a still shot of him being like, well, it's not good. That's.

[Maya Rudolph]

By the way, that was not good. I don't know that I can do John's voice. Voice.

[Pete Holmes]

We used to do Phil, too. Talk about. We're going through the PTA frames. It was just. You have a wife.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually, it's Mission Impossible 3.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. But I actually felt that in my body a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that great?

[Maya Rudolph]

That gave me a little, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the mat. That's the parlor trick. I'm so touched that you liked it. It came out well. And it's Mission Impossible 3.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, it was very good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna kill her. Oh, that's very good.

[Maya Rudolph]

High five. I got it again. And my knee crack. I got it again. That was very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Very happy about this. What's what? I feel like I need to make you shine. What was the one you wanted?

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no, no. Honey, honey, baby, I'm feeling great. Don't worry about me. Shining.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, But I.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I'll shine later. Don't worry. It'll come out naturally.

[Pete Holmes]

You're shining. Tell me about the wink. About the wink, Joni Mitchell. Oh, yeah. That's how we got on this journey ritual.

[Maya Rudolph]

It is now my duty to go home and watch Love, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'll put it in My spank bank. So I was. Jody Mitchell recorded a lot of her incredible album at then A M Records, which is now Henson Studios. Not too far from here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's not far from.

[Maya Rudolph]

In Hollywood, California.

[Pete Holmes]

If you pass the Kermit, you've passed it.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's what I say about a lot of things in life. Like when my kids are really overdoing, I'm like, you're past the Kermit. You're about to pass the Kermit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It's like jump the shark.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Sweetheart, you're this close to passing the Kermit, and there's no going back to Henson Studios once you pass the Kermit. All right, Love.

[Maya Rudolph]

Don't you love seeing that kermit?

[Pete Holmes]

I do. Showbiz. Don't you love showbiz?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. And I will tell you this. Growing up in this city, because I grew up in Los Angeles, there were a lot more things like that around the city.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

That. That are gone. That I miss. Like, there was an incredibly large chocolate chip cookie spinning on a finger like a basketball in front of the famous Amos cookie shop on Sunset. I think it was either Hollywood or Sunset of baked cookies. Famous, famous cookies. But he'd spin it on his finger like a. Like a basketball.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's a question.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Nuts or no nuts? I thought you were going to ask me a cookie question.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I know. Yeah, I know, I know. It just made me so happy that you took a stab. Nuts or no nuts? I will ask you a cookie question now. Crispy or cakey? Yeah, I know.

[Maya Rudolph]

Crispy. What do you think I am, an asshole?

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it crispy. That's not what it means, but. Yeah, but how do you like.

[Maya Rudolph]

What about pancakes?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I like a pancake. I enjoy pancakes. What do I want in it?

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, before we get to what's in it? Like thin? Like Swedish thin or fluffy?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna eat a fluffy before I'm gonna eat it. Then you like. You like thin? She's gone. She's gone. You like a.

[Maya Rudolph]

Not a crepe. Not a crepe.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I was picturing a crepe.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, yes, but Swedish pancakes.

[Pete Holmes]

You can get the mix at Gelson's Mexigelsons. You can get the mix at the Mexigelsons.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, the Mexigelsins. Right on.

[Pete Holmes]

Salsa. Right on the mountains.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, you can get Swedish pancake mix.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's very sour. Sour dough.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. Well, we're lith away.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hey, hey.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the lith away we Litha Way Snoop Dogg.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. He's also Lithuanian.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew it. I wish there was. I knew there was a joke, a perfect joke right there. Something like a weed pun, but I couldn't do it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Snoop is the best. I'll always love Snoop because I brought my grandmother, my Jewish grandmother to SNL when he hosted, and I introduced her to Snoop Dogg. And he said, damn, you looking good, mama. To my now deceased. Least wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

She dropped dead right then.

[Maya Rudolph]

Immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Just dead. It was death by snow.

[Maya Rudolph]

Also, she was so beautiful and so hot that he was right. Like, I. He has good taste.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

He has great taste in grandmothers.

[Pete Holmes]

That was Dean. Dean Edwards, who was on SNL briefly. Used to do Denzel Washington. And it was always complimenting someone's girlfriend.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

And I still think about it all the time. He'd go, that's your you. That's you. All right. That's you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. That was, like, so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Dean. That's Dean Edward. I mean, like, he found.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's hilarious. I love. I love a very particular impression.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all you need.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why when I did Phil, you go to. You need the touchstone. Right. Okay. You were saying Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

She came back to. Every time she came back to. Which is now Henson Studios.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the cookie. Cookie. Here's my question.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that cookie in storage somewhere? It's a filmmaker question, because here's old Q. Tarantino.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Doing Once Upon a Time in H. Wood.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did he put it up there?

[Pete Holmes]

And he brings out back all that Hollywood stuff.

[Maya Rudolph]

I bet it was post. Well, what year was that supposed to be? It was 70s, right?

[Pete Holmes]

70S. There was a lot of neon in that movie. That doesn't exist anymore, I'm pretty sure. So I wonder if in a showbiz town like this, the spinning cookie is somewhere in Call. Who?

[Maya Rudolph]

Let's. Let's.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's turn.

[Maya Rudolph]

Let's. Let's call. Let's call Quantum and say, I can't talk right now. Just go, where's the cookie?

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, Tarantino, where's the cookie? He's like, they're calling again.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's like, oh, those.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the cookie's not in the movie, but some of that neon. So what I'm saying is somebody who wants to shoot that cookie, do you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Think it's not alive? Is that what you're saying? The cookie's not no longer alive?

[Pete Holmes]

No, the cookie is alive.

[Maya Rudolph]

How do you know?

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you said the cookie's not there anymore.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's not there anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's in storage is what I'm saying.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I'm worried that in storage, it's not alive. You think someone preserved the cookie? Yeah, I hope so.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's not a real.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I think Famous Amos lives in.

[Pete Holmes]

Maui now, right next to Paul. Quiz.

[Maya Rudolph]

Now.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S a 40 minute callback, and I'm feeling pretty good. All right, so, Joni Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

I couldn't love a clunky, lazy fake name more.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, it's my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil Canoe. When I write a script, I'll just put in horrible fake names.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you really?

[Pete Holmes]

Why waste your time? You know you're gonna be mine.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Why waste time going like wasting time.

[Maya Rudolph]

You can just put in Phil Canoe. Yeah, but then, like, so much time can be wasted with joke. You get to giggle for extra.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if it's a comedy, you can call him Phil Canoe.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, what you're saying is you're writing.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're trying to have it be a real person.

[Maya Rudolph]

You write a lot of drama. Dramas is what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I write a lot of drama. D drama that gets graded as a D is what I mean. It's like a D. D minus.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so Joni Mitch, which also involves a cookie.

[Maya Rudolph]

The story involves a cookie.

[Pete Holmes]

A crispy cookie with toffee. You ever have toffee or something salty in a cookie?

[Maya Rudolph]

I love toffee.

[Pete Holmes]

Dead serious. Dead dead serious. Dead serious. The most serious I've seen. You a point, and the face fell to neutral. Intense. Neutral. So not neutral. I love toffee. It was like, don't talk about my kid.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just had. I just recently, for the first time, had matzo with toffee on was delightful.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow, you're weeping. That's saying a lot for Matzah.

[Maya Rudolph]

You really got me in my element. I was so serious and I didn't even notice.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it and I needed. Well, that's it. I love. I love being seen. I love seeing. Keep going. We were hard when we were.

[Maya Rudolph]

Joni Mitchell came to Henson Studios, and I happened to be singing there that day with my good friend Ana Gasteyer. And so many wonderful people that I know and love and musicians I know and love were there that day. And a wonderful, dear friend of mine named Wendy Malvoin, who, who is a wonderful musician who played with Prince for many, many years, said, come down, Joni's here. She's reclaiming her youth. Or I think she said that her past, she said she's reclaiming her past. Come into a fucking room. And Joni Mitchell sitting there. She had a beautiful beret on. Her hair was braided loosely. It's stunning. This woman is Joni Mitchell. Stunning. She's stunning. Long red nails, beautiful ring. That's somebody made for her. Some great person made for just. All of. It's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

People are coming to pay their respects. Hello, Johnny. All these. Princess Diana was there. Wow. I mean, this is one long time ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Real time. Yes. And of all time, I was trying to think of who funny could have made the ring. Princess D, was it? Yeah. Death by. Yes. And you know where your career ends.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's how she died.

[Pete Holmes]

Princess died.

[Maya Rudolph]

No. Me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm worried about getting canceled for a yes. And because when my guest makes a joke, I. I can't leave them because we're people pleasers. And I've said in my mind, your honor, it was a yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

And you are ppp. You're a people pleaser.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete pd.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, did people call you Petey?

[Pete Holmes]

Only the best ones.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

We fade to black, the episode ends.

[Maya Rudolph]

Okay, back to Joanie. Wow. This. What's funny about this story is that, like, it sounds like I'm bragging, and I never got to the good part of the story. Here's the good part.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you mean without the good part? It just sounds.

[Maya Rudolph]

Just use this part. So I. I got to meet Joni Mitchell once, and I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't reset the story.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's not an edit point.

[Maya Rudolph]

Here's what I like to do. I don't like to make people uncomfortable by telling them how much I love them, because I worry that that's gonna make them feel weird or uncomfortable. So I try to play it cool. Which is probably why you think I'm being cool, because maybe I am trying to play a little cool. Just like, I'm not gonna be like, I fucking love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Maya Rudolph]

So I didn't do that to Joni. I just said, it's so nice to meet you. And I was very warm because I wanted to radiate love towards her because I love her so much, and she doesn't need to know the intricacies of why she's done things for my life. If she wants to hear that. Maybe when we're having dinner at her house or something, which I've never been.

[Pete Holmes]

In, to Hang three.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hang three. Thank you. But, like, she does not. Joanie doesn't have time for my stories.

[Pete Holmes]

And it is sort of making it about You. That's the risk.

[Maya Rudolph]

Don't want to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the rest.

[Maya Rudolph]

So I.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be like I play it. It's the. The ego and the super ego. Not the first time you meet.

[Maya Rudolph]

Not the first time we meet. I don't. I don't want to Pete Holmes it.

[Pete Holmes]

As it's known in your house. Honey, TWB's on you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Pete Holmes did.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to Pete Elmson and ruin a first impression.

[Maya Rudolph]

So I play. It's so cool that I think I'm too quiet probably. And then we're all hanging out and I don't want to stay too long. Cuz that's another thing where I'm like, I never want to stay too long. And I always understay. I mean it's all a mess. I'm so polite that people are all like she hated me or something. I have to go back to record with my dear friend Anna. And I said, I have to go. I said it was so wonderful to meet you. And then I went like this. I'll see you around. And I winked at her. Why'd I do that? See you around. And she just went, didn't say a word, just stared at me. Me and someone had made cookies and I said, you going to eat that cookie? She goes, no, is it? And that was it.

[Pete Holmes]

So it was a wink and then.

[Maya Rudolph]

The cookie and then the awkward cookie and no. And then I just left. I think it didn't go great.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to say. I'm going to make a ruling here like a mafioso.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm listening.

[Pete Holmes]

Because of your comedy, right?

[Maya Rudolph]

Because Pete, she had no idea who I was.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no. I'm disagreeing, Pete.

[Maya Rudolph]

She had no idea who I was.

[Pete Holmes]

She's on TikTok, Pete.

[Maya Rudolph]

Even if she did know who I was, she did not watch anything I've ever done. Because she's Joni.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think Mitchell? Joni.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's so fucking cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's so cool.

[Pete Holmes]

She doesn't need to watch Joni Mitchell flying around doing her little ditties and nightclubs. I'm under some her. You think she's on a plane in the. In the late early 2000s, flipping through a DVD book in her fancy jet and sees the pink bridesmaid's disc and goes, oh, that's that film everyone's talking about. And I love Chris Odad and I'd love to just whack off.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know, I've heard she loves to whack off to Chris.

[Pete Holmes]

She loved Joni Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Called pulling a Mitchell. When you whack off to that. On a private plane. Plane. On a private plane. And that's what the curtain is for. You go, I'm gonna have my o' Dowd now.

[Maya Rudolph]

Ah, there she goes.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to see me in a Mitchell? My o' Dowd face. Yeah, he's probably said that. Which makes me disturbed.

[Maya Rudolph]

Let's see it. What's your o' Dowd face?

[Pete Holmes]

My real one.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you have one?

[Pete Holmes]

But like, oh face or my Odowed face.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, Dowd face. Yeah, that's it. That was all you needed to do. That was it.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no. No way. Joni Mitchell. I wish we could call her. Hasn't seen Bridesmaid.

[Maya Rudolph]

Call her. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

She had seen it and then called Joanie Tarantino. I've had Tarantino on the hook for 10 years. This publicist ducks me like covet.

[Maya Rudolph]

Have you been trying. You've been trying to get him on the. On the pod?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, don't tell him. He's my number two favorite filmmaker.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm not gonna tell him when he's.

[Pete Holmes]

Sitting here, told everyone.

[Maya Rudolph]

I refuse to be the person that tells him.

[Pete Holmes]

But I've heard QT talk about how he and PT are. Are sort of compent. Like when he saw him and Paul Tom. Twbb. That's Paul Tom. That's what. Yeah, we gotta.

[Maya Rudolph]

None of this is usable.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all dead audio at this point. No, I don't think they can hear because the mics are so close to our fossas.

[Maya Rudolph]

These are great.

[Pete Holmes]

You. That's the. That's the gift for doing the show. Are you miking your heartbeat?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I would try to steal it by putting it in my blouse.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great Seinfeld bit from the 90s. You go to a bad motel, the TV is always bolted to the wall. He's like, is this a big problem? I'd like to check out, please. I just love a physical punchline. I'd like to check out. And he does it quiet. I'd like to check out, please.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, God, that's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that fun?

[Maya Rudolph]

I thought I was a genius because I started saying this before and I got sidetracked because of my adhd.

[Pete Holmes]

We're in the middle of a sidetrack. We're on a Tarantino.

[Maya Rudolph]

This is the only thing I'm. I didn't. I tried not to think about what we were going to talk about, but I Knew this was going to happen. Just constantly cutting you off and starting new stories.

[Pete Holmes]

You think you're cutting me off?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Read the comments. I think they're there. I think the comments are actually below us.

[Maya Rudolph]

I thought, I thought for sure. And I was. This is at some point in my 20 twenties. Not my twenties, my twenties, twenties and my twenties, that being a stand up comedian. Sorry, I'm shedding. It's from the Coco. There's my hair if you need to follow me. I do.

[Pete Holmes]

You lost a little.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think I'm shedding more than normal.

[Pete Holmes]

I wear a merkin now since.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, it's all there. It's like the seventies down there. Your.

[Pete Holmes]

Your bush.

[Maya Rudolph]

My, my bush is hanging low.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got scalactites.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's. It's pure thatch. No, it's not. It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what? I'm gonna leave it a mystery. I want people to, to think they know. They don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And they also don't care because Joanie doesn't care.

[Pete Holmes]

Joanie's are long braided and her vagina wears a beret under the chin, like.

[Maya Rudolph]

From both sides and then down. So I thought I was a genius in that. I invented two things in my life. Once when I was a kid, I was. Remember I was in the bathtub and I thought, God, we should invent telephones that are screens so that people can see them. We can see and talk to each other.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go.

[Maya Rudolph]

I got it from the Jetsons. I didn't notice that I got it from the Jetsons though. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

That's fine.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I invented facetime.

[Pete Holmes]

You just admitted you didn't, but you're.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, but I totally did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And then in my 20s, because I, I think standups are some of the most brilliant human beings alive. Some of not all.

[Pete Holmes]

Why, why was that part correctly?

[Maya Rudolph]

And I said to myself, God, what is it? What? What is it? And I said, oh, being a stand up is making witty observations. And I thought that, I thought, wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, when was that?

[Maya Rudolph]

Maybe in my 20s. And I was like, that's it. Stands. Standups make witty observations.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I just called Mike Biria first of all. That's adorable. And I wish I could bronze that thought.

[Maya Rudolph]

Witty observations also. I still don't know how to do it, but I'm, I'm in awe of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, there's actually a part of me that wouldn't want. I think it's E. Cummings. I'm sorry, I'm smoking a pipe. That said, don't dissect the goose. If you want the song or something. Something like that. Like, don't. So there's part of me that you're so free. And you can see it in your acting as well, that you're. You're holding loosely. You're moving like this. And it makes you very funny and dynamic. And stand up is a risky pursuit because you're taking this fluid. Your comedy.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, that.

[Pete Holmes]

The comedy we were when we were 10.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's childlike and barefoot and we're running in the neighbor's pool. And then you take that and you start, like, kind of dissecting it and building it and then recreating, creating it. So there's a real risk. There's almost a part of me that wants to go. Don't do. Like, do. Maybe you tell a story or improvise or whatever, but I don't want to.

[Maya Rudolph]

See myself going like this.

[Pete Holmes]

My name is Maya Rudolph. Feel free to make the red nosed reindeer joke. Like, I don't want to see that.

[Maya Rudolph]

When you do.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to see that.

[Maya Rudolph]

But when you do, you're gonna love it.

[Pete Holmes]

OMG is this. Here's what you do. You. Were you to do a. A show at Largo in conversation that's like, this. People would love that. Oh, my God. Like, it's really profound, but it's better. There's certain people I don't like. There's a number. A number of names.

[Maya Rudolph]

John Wayne.

[Pete Holmes]

John Wayne.

[Maya Rudolph]

Dolly Parton.

[Pete Holmes]

Dolly Parton. They're together.

[Maya Rudolph]

So are. So are Bert and Lonnie, but Bert's not here.

[Pete Holmes]

And Ben Affleck.

[Maya Rudolph]

Ben who?

[Pete Holmes]

Benifer. Benifer Affleck.

[Maya Rudolph]

That sounded like you said owl fleck.

[Pete Holmes]

The owl theory from the staircase. Do you think it was an owl?

[Maya Rudolph]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think Michael Peterson killed Kathleen Peterson? Don't tell me you haven't seen the Staircase.

[Maya Rudolph]

I haven't seen the Staircase.

[Pete Holmes]

The documentary.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like things that make me scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. Stay away.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I have a problem with that.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll make you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I have a real. Like, I'm a real. I'm a real wimp with scary stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes. But I love Halloween. I love witches. I love quaint telling.

[Pete Holmes]

You love witches. We didn't get to that. That was one of our threads.

[Maya Rudolph]

Love them.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do you love. Well, I just like female empowerment. Do you mean real witches or you mean like cartoons?

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm not talking Salem. I'll be honest with You. I'm talking like. Like witchy poo. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be a witch when I'm older. I'm a little bit of a witch. I got hairy moles. I like it. I like. I like the kind of weird dresses they wear. It's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you would like witch history then, because they were older, single, powerful women, 100% that, like, owned land.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then everyone was like, well, the devil must have given you that lease.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, let's be honest, everybody knows by now what was really going on. That was some bo.

[Pete Holmes]

Possibly with some fermented rye that made people hallucinate. That's my favorite theory.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, That's a good one.

[Maya Rudolph]

I. And don't get me wrong, I'm not special by saying this about myself. I fucking love magic. I'm not talking about going to the Magic Castle or anything like that, but, like, the idea of, like, the prospect of something magical. Usually in, like, when I'm in something that's being created of, like, I just like a little.

[Pete Holmes]

A little. A little magic of the unexpected. Like David Blaine. I like it gurgling up.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like a lot of David Blaine's, like, body stuff. I get a little freaked out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what he's going for.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know. It's not for me.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not abracadabra.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, ma'.

[Pete Holmes]

Am. It's more like, am I okay?

[Maya Rudolph]

It's like, I just. I just sliced myself open. Yeah, there's like, if it involves blood, I'm gonna take a pass.

[Pete Holmes]

We were once at the Juice place in our neighborhood, and there were three buff magicians doing card tricks for us. And afterwards I said, wow, I can't believe we just met David Blaine. And it was David Blaine. And Val was like, that was David Blaine, question mark. And we still laugh about that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Was it really David Blaine?

[Pete Holmes]

It was D. Blaine. I'm a big magic fan. I love magic. Yeah, I. I did a bit about it. About how I don't understand why it's, like, lame to, like, magic.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, no, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

It is not lame, but it is sort of like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, you had Derek. How do you pronounce his last name? Delgadio Delgado. Yeah, I.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw. In and of itself.

[Maya Rudolph]

I didn't see it live. I saw the. The. The spe. The taped version on television. On my television screen.

[Pete Holmes]

On a. On a screen.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I'll tell you a little secret that I'm about to tell you. Tell all 30 people that. Listen. Just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Burn.

[Maya Rudolph]

Just burn. Just a friend.

[Pete Holmes]

Burn.

[Maya Rudolph]

I instantly fell in love with him, like, to the point where I was like, oh, this is a big crush.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. I have a really chipmunk cheeks.

[Maya Rudolph]

Love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Give it to me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Give it all to me. That's what I'm saying something about. And I don't know anything about him. His life. I don't care. I was like, you're hot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because of his connection to his magic, it was a huge turn on.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you can't see that show. I saw it twice. Sorry.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, did you write in the book?

[Pete Holmes]

The book was better. Oh, I see. Right. In the book. There is something special about writing out. I think the second time I saw it, I was his friend and I picked the card. Friend. And he went, you are a friend. And I was like. And I got moist.

[Maya Rudolph]

I want. Want to know how he does that. I want to know. And I also don't want to know.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, Maya, and I would say this to Derek. That is pick a card, any card, just writ large. That's all that is.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean to. I would say. I don't even know.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't even know how. Pick a card. Any card works.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the fun. And I won't teach you.

[Maya Rudolph]

How do you do it? Do you practice?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm an amateur magician, but not good. I know four great card tricks, but they're great. And I think every day.

[Maya Rudolph]

Will you do one for me at some point in our lives?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I did know the wonderful Ricky J. Ricky J.

[Pete Holmes]

Was great. Of course. You did the voice of Magnolia.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, he's wonderful. And yeah. I mean, that's. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in a bunch of them. But I know him first and foremost.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These things happen.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like when you said people think it's like that, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know the ice block story of Ricky J.

[Maya Rudolph]

No. You know, I don't know anything, right? Did we. Have we not covered this?

[Pete Holmes]

You hung out then with a man who. There's a famous trick. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but you're going to love this.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

There's an old, old magic trick called the ice block trick, which is you and I are talking. It would. This is how I would do the ice block trick to you. And imagine if I did just for one second, and I went my. And there was a block of not melting frozen ice right there.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just leave. And you're. And you just. So that's the ice block trick.

[Maya Rudolph]

And you just leave.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, because I'm just like, mic drop. What I'm saying is. And this is. This is historical. It's like hundreds of years old, maybe 100 years old. Yes, Old, old trick. But, you know, nobody really knows how to do it. Ricky J. Was having lunch with someone, like at the New York Times or something. They were eating. At the end of the meal, they're looking at their dessert menu, and he lifts his menu up and there's a block, like a 30 pound block of ice on the table. And Ricky J. Just leaves. And the inner. The woman that was interviewing him said that she just wept for 10 minutes. Oh, that's magic. Why are people so resistant? It brings you into the moment. It goes, let me show you what you think is. It isn't. And then it makes you go, what else am I wrong about?

[Maya Rudolph]

What? He's such a thoughtful, interesting storyteller and human being. And yes, he's not on this earth with us anymore. Anytime he spoke about anything, it was fascinating. And he, you know, knew his history and knew all he knew.

[Pete Holmes]

A trick. I mean, it took the care of someone to go, Some people used to do this. I'm gonna figure out how to do it again.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because he loved it. He loved it so much. And he shows that love in the world way that he did it. I just. Yeah, I got to. I got to see him up close through a card into a watermelon.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, very fun.

[Maya Rudolph]

Very fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Magic is great. I don't know why people give it such a hard time. I do know why. Because we like to be the thing in this culture that we want to impact reality. We don't want to have reality changed on us. Forgive me for repeating myself, but have you noticed that tough guys don't dance. Dance in action movies? It's because dancing is submitting your will. It's. It's feminine. I'm not saying it's for girls only, but there's something receiving about it. And magic is. It's asking you to be receiving.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And to be befuddled. And this is why. Heck.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, so it makes a fool of.

[Pete Holmes]

You, Makes you a fool. You have to be willing to go like, oh, I don't understand. And we want to be Jason Bourne. We. I know where all the exits are. I know where the guns are. I know all this stuff. And this is what most. And this is why hecklers are. Are typically guys or women with a lot of masculine energy that don't like that a comedian Is manipulating their reality, changing their chemistry.

[Maya Rudolph]

I love that with magic. I don't like it with comedy in terms of those shows where people go up to people on the street and they're pretending to be something, and then I make a fool of you and they trick them and I trick you.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like it either.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like it. It makes me really uncomfortable. Comfortable. And it. It hurts my feelings a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I would rather everyone be in on it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And it can make me really uncomfortable to watch pranks. I don't like pranks.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like lying, even if it's for like. Like, they asked me to do Crank Yankers and I. I said yes because I. I felt guilty a little, but then I immediately said, no, no. I was like, I can't call and call some old woman who works at, like, Whole Foods. And she answers the phone and I'm.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, do you have venison? I need venison. Did she have it?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't do it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You are the queen. I thought it was real.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever almost died?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I. I could have. You mean, like, had I. Did I get close to the light?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Not an nde, as they're known. Near death experience. But maybe when you were a kid, were you ripped out in a rip tie?

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Anything like that? Oh, sure.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was on a horse once, and the horse got spooked and took off. And my dad was like, oh, yeah, hold on.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny now, but I'm sure that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Kind of thing, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, when we cut to you, it's in real time. He's in slow motion. I don't want to micromanage, but you're like. You're knocking apples off trees, hitting apples in your head. You are. You're unconscious.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was strapped in. No, that did happen.

[Pete Holmes]

But how did it stop?

[Maya Rudolph]

I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you reason?

[Maya Rudolph]

I think somebody caught up with me. I don't remember. I was once driving up to my. My dear friend Brooke Clayman and I were driving up to college. You know Brooke Clayman?

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's just.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was so impressed.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, clearly you're not as cool as I thought you were.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy knew Brooke Clayman.

[Maya Rudolph]

Brooke is a wonderful family friend known for many years, and I wanted someone to drive. Drive up back to college with me. I went to UC Santa Cruz, and it's a long drive, and I. I don't like big drives by myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, especially.

[Maya Rudolph]

I was a young.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially on Horseback.

[Maya Rudolph]

Especially on horseback. Had my. Had my Jetta. My. My Jetta. I had a Jetta. Was it sick?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, keep it crispy. Too many times now. Yeah, we. We were on the two lane thing. I was driving and then like. Like a semi. I don't know what happened, but somebody came my lane and I veered. But you're supposed to like turn into the swerve. But I just didn't. And so the car just like did a. Did a 180. And so I was driving backwards on the.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Maya Rudolph]

On the highway. And I remember looking at the semi and the semi looking at me and I was just like going backwards back around the other. Other 180. And then we just kind of went and went to the curb and we were just sort of like frozen. I think it's because my car was so packed down with all my. For my apartment that I was. So we just went. We should have flipped like kitty litter. That's what I always say. And. And it just got quiet because, you know when you get scared, like, I. I didn't hear any sound. But then slowly I started hearing what was on the radio. And it was like. Don't you worry about a thing. It was. We were listening to Stevie Wonder. Don't you worry about a thing. It was so perfect and weird. It was such a weird life experience. And it came back on just so loud. So it had been blasting. I didn't hear it at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course, there are things in movies that are. Right.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Maya Rudolph]

That feels like a movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Like when it goes like something happens.

[Maya Rudolph]

You mean like in their.

[Pete Holmes]

Like.

[Maya Rudolph]

I love it so much.

[Pete Holmes]

W. Everyone does it.

[Maya Rudolph]

The ringing is so good, though.

[Pete Holmes]

The ringing is great. But I meant when someone's like, I'm sorry, but you have a week to live. It starts to.

[Maya Rudolph]

And it starts to fade out. Yeah. And then that's how we are. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We get a little Tonight sources. Yes to a little Tonight. And the resources of listening. Go into grief. Go into shock.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, it's. It's fight or flight, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Or freeze or frighten friend. Have you heard Friend? No. Reuben from all time.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We hang out.

[Maya Rudolph]

Clearly. Because he's got a red beard.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, but not a Weasley beard.

[Maya Rudolph]

Get those fucking waka wakas out of here.

[Pete Holmes]

Something I used to say on stage.

[Maya Rudolph]

Although I get to get sad when one of them almost died.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I ruining it for you in Harry Potter?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I've seen the movies. They just don't stick. You know why you know why?

[Maya Rudolph]

Because you love the Hob.

[Pete Holmes]

Do me a favor. No, I, Yeah, I am more of a Tolkien. Are you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did you read the books and that was like your childhood and then you got into the movies? No, just the movies.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the movies.

[Maya Rudolph]

My dad was really into the books when we were kids.

[Pete Holmes]

Do me a fave.

[Maya Rudolph]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

H. Potter.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too much. It's a, it's a, A gun or a sword.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

These are established realities.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

But once you have sticks that shoot beams of light of varying strength. Strengths.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That are hinged on a mechanism that we don't understand. Magical concentration. Question mark.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I have Voldemort going like. And Harry Potter going. I'm like, this is bad filmmaking. Like, it just is. Two people pushing against each other. A car pushing against something. A loud sound. But as soon as it's, I'm like, I'm out. And that's what Harry Potter ultimately is. It's like in Star Trek, there's too much of this.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Maya Rudolph]

I stopped watching Star Trek a long time ago. I, I, it wasn't for me. I was big Star wars lady, so I didn't care. I didn't really care about Star Trek. Yes, but not that you needed to pick a side, but, like, wasn't for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you did need to.

[Maya Rudolph]

I did pick a side.

[Pete Holmes]

When you are. Have you never.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wasn't I. Was I on Star Wars?

[Pete Holmes]

Were you on Star Wars? Were you on Star Wars?

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm going to start wheezing. I'm laughing so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you on this original Star Wars? Yeah, that's just how I call you. 7. Weren't you in the original Star Wars?

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm Carrie Fisher.

[Pete Holmes]

What was her show called?

[Maya Rudolph]

I wish.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish. Is that one of your peep.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just wanted to be Princess Leia. So I just, like, that was the coolest thing in the world to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like, surprisingly.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, it was all that era. It was Olivia Newton John because of Grease and it was Carrie Fisher because of Star Wars. It was all the same time Slave.

[Pete Holmes]

Leia was a little. It was a lot of lot.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I couldn't get it. Oh, you mean on the third one?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you could hear the boners. There was like a rubbery.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I wasn't really paying attention to the boners. I was still little enough that I was like, all right. But that was more. It definitely felt more intense. Yeah. I go for, like, the white caftan. That's my jam.

[Pete Holmes]

The white cacti caftan.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know, like her original. Like, it wasn't a caftan. I was just trying, like, one of these. It was a very gauzy dress.

[Pete Holmes]

Very 70s.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Just white polyester.

[Pete Holmes]

That's one of my favorite things is, like, the aesthetic of the original movies is the 70s. Like, it's got the flared helmets, as it should be. Now we make them and it's like. But it's still the future as established as by the 70s, which is wonderful. It is fun. But it's also funny to be like, people don't even know that that shit's the 70s.

[Maya Rudolph]

I love it so much.

[Pete Holmes]

You like it?

[Maya Rudolph]

I do. I love the 70s quite a bit. I feel very lucky to have been alive during that time.

[Pete Holmes]

You also got to pretend to be in the 70s with an afro.

[Maya Rudolph]

Are you talking about licorice piece?

[Pete Holmes]

Licky Pete's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Licky Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Licky Pete, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because they didn't relax. I relaxed my hair with a keratin treatment, and they did not do that in the 1970s. Black women.

[Pete Holmes]

You relaxed your hair with a keratin.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, I relax my hair with a keratin treatment in real life. And ladies did not do that in the 70s. So I put a wig on, but nobody else in the movies wearing a wig.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt that, like I was watching. Oh, except for Lucy, I guess they call me Magic. And everybody's got the natural. Natural. That's just what they were doing.

[Maya Rudolph]

My mom had a natural, but then later on she would do, like, a curler or a blowout kind of thing. A hot set, if you will. Hot curlers.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever. I bet the answer is yes. I'm gonna pre preload you with that.

[Maya Rudolph]

I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm just gonna say it with confidence. Tell me about a time that you went to a psychic and they blew your mind. You just really. I really think you went to a psychic. And they were like. Like, maya, you're gonna meet Paul, or something like that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Kristen Wiig and I went to a psychic and got the worst reading we've ever had. And the lady called us giggling girlfriends. And then she was a. She was a medium. And. And I felt so badly. She was about a medium. We went down. We were like. I feel like we went to. I wanted to say San Diego, but it was not that far, but it was definitely, like, close to Orange county. And it was a white lady. And I preface that because when she was a medium, she had a very offensive voice that I refused to do on your podcast. It was that gnarly I understand. I might do it a little bit. But it was like. It was like, oh, ah, I see you giggling, girlfriend. And I was like, why is this.

[Pete Holmes]

You're quoting.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why is this white lady talking like this? But that was when she was the. When she was the other. She was the medium she was speaking through.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, she was a.

[Maya Rudolph]

She had channeled.

[Pete Holmes]

She channeled.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. And I forgot what the channel's name was. So it was this. This medium was referenced us by some good friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you are just a racist person or. And you just want to do voice voices, just get away with it. Be like, I'm gonna look, it's a jambalaya cook from New Orleans. It's not me. It's a jive talking him from the 70s. Just hang loose, blood.

[Maya Rudolph]

She gonna catch you on the rebound on the medicide.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you come back as a white guy. It's not me. He's coming back. Hey, jab turkey. I just wanted to say jack turkey.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hey. That's basically what it felt like.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And she was wrong about everything. I think it's pretty funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm glad I asked.

[Maya Rudolph]

Anytime I've seen. And I love love. I'm like, give it to me. I get nervous because, you know, I get scared about, like, spooky things.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I. Yep, I like it, but.

[Maya Rudolph]

I get a little. I get a little nervous. And I saw. I saw some. I. I got my tarot cards read in Salem at one of those wonderful crystal shops.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I wonder if it was the same one that I went to.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, interesting, because when I think back, because at the time, I was like, the. Was that. And in retrospect, I. She did say I was going to have another baby. And I did.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Maya Rudolph]

No, my fourth. But like, at the time I had three, and I was like, I'm not having another baby.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

This.

[Pete Holmes]

This cray, this cray. This cray, this cray. That's what it's from. Very hard song to ask Alexa to play.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, God, what a wonderful song. Yeah, that song.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to. I'm going to ask you to laugh at that. Very hard song to ask Alexa to play. Try it, Alexa.

[Maya Rudolph]

I refuse use.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to say N words in Paris. And then you know what she says now playing N words in Paris.

[Maya Rudolph]

Does she say n words?

[Pete Holmes]

She does. And I was like, I knew Alexa was white.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

What if she.

[Maya Rudolph]

She says N words.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The song is not called N words in Paris, but Alexa is not about to get canceled.

[Maya Rudolph]

She does not repeat It. If you say it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I've never tried saying it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm gonna go home and say it.

[Pete Holmes]

The regular.

[Maya Rudolph]

I won't say it in your house. I won't pollute your election.

[Pete Holmes]

Alexa, you can. It's with the A.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean you. Like, we don't have, like, an open policy with that.

[Maya Rudolph]

There's a note by the front.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like. I feel like you can. Is what I'm saying. Go for it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't. I don't like saying that word.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like saying the. The real N word. And I don't. I remember because growing up mixed, like, no one ever had a name for it. I felt like I was like, I'm mixed. Like, people weren't mixed. When I was in the semi. I didn't. I knew, like, two mixed kids, and they were all musicians kids. All musicians kids were mixed. And I was like, oh, I guess that's normal. And then someone said. Then I learned about the term mulatto, which is a horrific term, but everyone was using it, like, yeah, this is what you're supposed to use. And it basically is like, the definition of, like, donkey. Like a mule is. Is a cross between a donkey and an. Between a horse and a donkey is a. Is a mule.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Maya Rudolph]

So it's just saying that. Really, you're a mule.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, it's terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like, in the 70s also. In the 70s, when we were saying that word, we were also saying the hard R word.

[Maya Rudolph]

We're saying the hard R word. We were saying oriental. We were saying quite a few things.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a crazy.

[Maya Rudolph]

It was a show.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a.

[Maya Rudolph]

But you know what? We had a lot of fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. We're smoking cigarettes on a plane.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, we'll be right back.

[Pete Holmes]

We had a lot of fun, though.

[Maya Rudolph]

God. We were talking about that the other day. I know. I love to talk about the fact.

[Pete Holmes]

That, like, we could smoke on cigarettes and play.

[Maya Rudolph]

We could smoke on cigarettes. You guys want to smoke on just that? Like us.

[Pete Holmes]

We were just out there smoking on cigarettes.

[Maya Rudolph]

Just remember as children, like, being like, I gotta go to the bathroom, and then walking through the smoking section to.

[Pete Holmes]

The bathroom, of course.

[Maya Rudolph]

But there wasn't a curtain. And even if there had been a curtain, that wouldn't have kept. Kept you from the smoke.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you mean on the airplane?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's just getting recirculated.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in Marlboro country. You're flying over Mar country.

[Maya Rudolph]

You are Marlboro. Marlboro Country Nobody. Marlboro. Hi.

[Pete Holmes]

I have an idea for a cigarette company. All right, let's hear it. It's called Marlboro. Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Everyone's going to have a really easy time pronouncing it.

[Pete Holmes]

When that's the word hot in here, it gets a little toasty.

[Maya Rudolph]

Most.

[Pete Holmes]

We can open the door again.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's fine. Fine. I don't want you to do anything she's asking because I genuinely want to know if I'm having a hot flash.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie Levine.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I find myself saying it a lot more lately, and I think I'm reading into the fact that I'm turning 50 as opposed to, like, have you hit 49? No, I think I'm Perry.

[Pete Holmes]

Perry.

[Maya Rudolph]

Perry Menopause.

[Pete Holmes]

What does that mean? Forever fertile.

[Maya Rudolph]

It means I'm like a forever puppy. I just stay fertile forever.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you forever fertile?

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm forever fertile.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Maya Rudolph]

I probably am. No, I am. I'm at that age where things are starting to slow down, but the shop has not closed. So I still get my period.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

But then, like, weird will happen where I'm like, oh, I haven't had my period for three months.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in an in between.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I'm in the. I'm in the. I'm in the Nether. What? What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

What's when you're the Upside Down?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I'm in the Upside down.

[Pete Holmes]

See? Will you watch Stranger Things? Because it's scary. Scary.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's gonna. I have watched all of it, and it gets progressively scarier season to season.

[Pete Holmes]

Agree.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think I feel safe because it's a television show for some reason, but I.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a movie.

[Maya Rudolph]

Maybe. But I also feel like I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Covers a lot of sins. It's. It's the Spielberg camp.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I can see that. I didn't like Billy, and I didn't like those. Those people made out of rats. I, I. That spooked me quite a bit. Billy was the asshole brother of the redheaded girl.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know the names. Just like, I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's a dick. He's dead now. Don't worry about it.

[Pete Holmes]

He's dead.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, not in real life.

[Pete Holmes]

And do you remember when there's a guy on there that looks like Flanny and he died? Sean Astin.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, Shawn, they got Flanny. You think Sean Astin looks like Flanny?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And so do.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know, now I'll never forget it, but I don't think that Sean Astin Looks like flanny. But now I do.

[Pete Holmes]

But now you do.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. That was great.

[Pete Holmes]

We have you going. I don't. And now I do.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just saw it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. A lot of fun. Have you ever seen a ghost?

[Maya Rudolph]

No. And I have a theory that I never will because my mom died.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you're, like, little?

[Maya Rudolph]

And so I was like, oh, she's protecting me because she's not as. I'm scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, she keeps him away.

[Maya Rudolph]

I feel it. With a ghost broom. Have you ever seen a ghost?

[Pete Holmes]

No. People ask me that. Mine's dumb. I. I think the ghost of my mom's cat lives in her house.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I feel it jump up on the bed.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why is that dumb? You feel it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I can. If I'm real still and stay asleep. It'll come up and curl up against me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's consistent. It means, like, I don't stay there anymore.

[Maya Rudolph]

That makes me scared. I just want you to know that. And that's why.

[Pete Holmes]

Clem. You scared of Clem?

[Maya Rudolph]

Have you ever heard the cat, or you just feel it?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't recall hearing it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'll tell you. I'll tell you a little. A little thing. I've always been a. Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

A nugget.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm gonna give you a little nugget.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not me. It's not me. Hey, man. But, Fred, that was Treyway.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think I've. Well, I knew I've always been scared of ghosts. And I don't want to say I'm scared, scared, scared. And I shared this with Paul, and he said, but why don't you see it as a ghost? Good thing. Because that means that our loved ones. Yeah. And I. That helped me a lot. But I'm still. I. I think I could maybe be ready, but I'm scared that it'll be like. I probably saw Poltergeist too young.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, it's too young to see Poltergeist 49.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are we watching this shit?

[Maya Rudolph]

It's scary.

[Pete Holmes]

The Exorcist. You should watch that. Never.

[Maya Rudolph]

I can smell her. Stephen. When. When. When the baby. When her daughter goes into the television and, like. And then you hear the music, and then there's, like, a gu. And she's like, stephen, I can smell her.

[Pete Holmes]

That's horrible.

[Maya Rudolph]

It terrified me and also made me sad. And I was like, oh, my God. People go away. Like, just. And then there was, like, birth stuff. I did love it, though. But why did I Watch it. The Exorcist. The Exorcist. I should not have watched.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's everybody. It's on the poster. It's the pull quote from the New York Times. I shouldn't have watched this.

[Maya Rudolph]

That meant, when they do this to me, dummy. Oh, dummy, Please, dummy. Really do this to me. It's scary. It's so scary.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Let's not even talk about it. I did have a bit about it where I watched it with my girlfriend at the time. And there's the scene where she does the crab walk, reverse crab walk down the stairs.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Does a handstand and then vomits. And my girlfriend, for real, goes, oh, I forgot. Forgot about that part. I go, how do you forget about that part? I would like to forget about that part. I can't forget.

[Maya Rudolph]

The only part I had Fargotten about Fargotten about was before she knows. Before they know that the devil be inside of her is when her mom's having a dinner party, and she comes and she's like, reagan, what are you doing here? And she had peed. Remember? She pees. And it's like. There's something about it that's really strange as opposed to, like, scary. It was like, oh, this doesn't feel right. I was like, this doesn't feel right.

[Pete Holmes]

Does she have the headlining devil, like, the. The main act?

[Maya Rudolph]

The main guy in there?

[Pete Holmes]

The main guy? Or is it, like an offshoot?

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, I feel like it's the devil. I didn't stick around long enough to ask. I was like, get me the. Out of this theater.

[Pete Holmes]

How? I was at the others. Did you see the others?

[Maya Rudolph]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, see, I haven't learned my lesson.

[Maya Rudolph]

You need to know now. Like, anything you need to know. No, it. I'm not watching it. Yeah, med. Summer.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it follows. Which is not about the clown, by.

[Maya Rudolph]

The way, but also. Bye.

[Pete Holmes]

Bye.

[Maya Rudolph]

I haven't seen any of your scary movies, so I don't even know any references.

[Pete Holmes]

I only watch. I don't know. I watch the ones that I feel like I have to watch because everyone's talking about them.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, what? It.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I didn't watch it. So that's not even true.

[Maya Rudolph]

Midsummer everyone was talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

What about Paranormal Activity? That was horrible.

[Maya Rudolph]

I didn't see that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm a wimp.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're a wimp.

[Maya Rudolph]

You. I am a. But I'm a. I'm a nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a good witch. You have the shirt. I'm the good witch. I got this at Wicked Okay. That was a good witch laugh, kind of.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have a little bit of a cackler.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean to burn you there.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I was your real laugh, and I was like, good witch laugh.

[Maya Rudolph]

I opened the. I opened the door. Have you seen the witch house in Beverly Hills? There's a witch house in Beverly Hills?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean? What does that mean?

[Maya Rudolph]

Somebody. I learned a little bit of the history, and I don't know it, but when I was a kid, like, we would drive there because I grew up in Westwood and it wasn't far, and so we would go there to, like, trick or treat, and there was a lady that lived there and would dress up like a witch and give out candy. I think that the person that had it built might have used. I don't want to say imagineers, but, like, people that did Disney things. So it's got, like. It looks like a wicked witch's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's going for witch.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not just like a sad old woman.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, no, no, no. It's a witch.

[Pete Holmes]

She hasn't mowed the lawn in a while.

[Maya Rudolph]

Absolutely. Yeah. It's like, keep off poison. Like, if you see the picture, it's beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you. Has. Have you met Beyonce and she liked your impression?

[Maya Rudolph]

I have met Beyonce, but in the early days, like when she was on.

[Pete Holmes]

Snl, when she was one of the Destiny's Children.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes. And we did a sketch. Ana and I did a sketch with Destiny's Child because we used to do a fake Destiny's Child band called Gemini's Twin that was basically the same. That was like. That was the concept. Their con. The concept of them having new band members was the sketch. The gist of the sketch. And so we had them on and very nice. And then over the years, she'd come, and at that time, Fred and I did a Prince show. I was just. Beyonce.

[Pete Holmes]

Beyonce come. Over the year. Beyonce's come.

[Maya Rudolph]

Over the years, Beyonce's have come and Beyonce's have gone. But there's only one Beyonce. Beyonce Knowles, Carter. The one and only. But so I. She was on. And then I did her while she. But she wasn't. She. She wasn't in it in front of her, so it was embarrassing. So I saw her at Goodnights and I said, I'm so embarrassed that I did you in front of you. And she's like, no, no, it was good. But I. I feel like those were the early days. And then since then, I get nervous because I love her so much that I want Her. I want to. I, I, I pray always that she likes it, but I, I don't know if she does.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I feel like I've heard her talk like. Oh, yeah, she talks like me, but I, I don't. That was a long time ago. So I just, I get a little nervous because I don't like to make fun of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like. I don't do impressions to like to make fun of people. I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm holding up the mirror to show you what you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. It's full homage. So it's like I know how to talk like you because I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Jinx. Oh, no, the jinx. Robert Durst. Did you watch that?

[Maya Rudolph]

You mean Fred. Fred Armisen as Robert Dirt? No, but doesn't it look like. Oh, he did. Yeah, it looks like a Fred character. Oh, my God. Remember when he burst? It's also. You did it. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Does that mean that I did it? Obviously, the.

[Maya Rudolph]

With the burps. I mean, if that's not a, A, A physical reaction of the body actually reacting to guilt.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what frogs are to. Who did David Blaine kill? If you're burping up.

[Maya Rudolph]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

The lights flickered. Whoever D. Blaine killed.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, did he kill somebody?

[Pete Holmes]

David.

[Maya Rudolph]

David. Wait, David's alive? So that means whoever did that. Okay, so you asked me if I've ever seen a ghost. No. But I love when that happens. Yeah, I love it. And then I talk to it a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Did David.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did David Blaine kill you?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank God. Because he's gargling up frogs and we need.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, I don't know him. I'm sure D. Blaine. I don't know D. Blaine. I have no horse in this race. I'm just, I'm just asking. Did. Were you killed or are you dead? Nothing. Nothing, Nothing. But now I can only see light bulb when I look at you.

[Pete Holmes]

That was.

[Maya Rudolph]

That was wild. Has that happened before?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know why I'm here? Yeah, maybe some. Maybe something happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Cuz I'm here doing the. Made me realize that's Andre the Giant. And this is my Andre the Giant. It's asking Carl Ryan. I forget what he says. He goes, Ms. Raila. Mr. Rail. Now.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's so good, you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on over. You want to say bonjour? Do you guys want to say bonjour? Oh, my God, that's Andre the Giant. Noticing that people are kind of like they want to say hi to him.

[Maya Rudolph]

You want to say bonjour?

[Pete Holmes]

Come on over. You want to be French? Yeah. You want to say his name's Andre? Andre. It never occurred to me because I am French.

[Maya Rudolph]

French.

[Pete Holmes]

Frank's Braille is made for me.

[Maya Rudolph]

I only thought his name was Andre the Giant. I never thought about his last name. What's his last name? His last name is Le Bon. He's married. He's married to Simon Le Bon from Durandre.

[Pete Holmes]

That means he would sometimes be like, eh. Le W. L'. Abu. He would, like, talk about it to his French friends. The Princess Br.

[Maya Rudolph]

That is the best one I've ever heard.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I haven't heard a lot of them, but that one's really good. You know what I love?

[Pete Holmes]

Need the. I haven't heard a lot of them.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you know what I love more than anything? For real?

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Maya Rudolph]

For no reason. Every once in a while, I'll get tickled by the thought of. My name is Enigo Montoya.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

You kill my father. Prepare to die.

[Pete Holmes]

Why does that make you laugh?

[Maya Rudolph]

Wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's a. That's a tingle.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's. Something about it is funny that, like, he. He can't stop saying it and it just gets louder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Hello.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hello.

[Pete Holmes]

You forgot hello. My name is. That part makes me.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's why it's funny to me. And I dropped the Hello. That's why I should never do. Stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello.

[Maya Rudolph]

My name is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this voice. Hello. It's a little Bacino.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hello. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. You want more? That's really good.

[Maya Rudolph]

So am I just now discovering that you can do impressions? Impressions of anyone?

[Pete Holmes]

This point in the conversation. Yeah, that's like a Fred bit. Did Fred do. I wanted to go on Conan and say I can do an impression of anyone and have any people do it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because it's like a Fred bit. And then it's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It is like a friend.

[Maya Rudolph]

And then it's a terrible impression. You mean, like. It's just like.

[Pete Holmes]

But you try. You try in earnest. The problem. I don't know a lot of people, but.

[Maya Rudolph]

You mean in life?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm afraid they'd be like Kim Kardashian. I just don't know what they say.

[Maya Rudolph]

Fred would do impressions of people like the crew. Like, there was a guy that. That when we would have meal break and when we were doing camera blocking at snl, you would hear him over the morning meal break, back at 5, and Fred would do that guy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Maya Rudolph]

My best cameras.

[Pete Holmes]

This is my brother. Ready? Hey, dude, that's my brother. It's perfect.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know, it's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Val goes, that's your best impression. It's a shame.

[Maya Rudolph]

Also, just the words. Hey, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, dude.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Oh, that's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, dude, I saw you had Maya Rudolph on the show. Dude. Dude, that is. And my parents. I do it for them. And they're like, huh? I'm like, you're the only two people that should get it.

[Maya Rudolph]

That actually kind of drives me crazy. I don't know if it drives you crazy, and not in a way where I get mad, but, like, do you ever notice that thing where you're like, you know, something's absolutely right, and people are like, huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

That drives me a little crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I absolutely know, because it's exactly that.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I also do. My father, my ruler. What is the most important, important part of that's how your dad.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

It's insane.

[Maya Rudolph]

How does your mom talk with the.

[Pete Holmes]

Essence of how she talks is Maya Rudolph. I don't care for her the way that she does the voices.

[Maya Rudolph]

She doesn't like it. She doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

She doesn't like my work, the hormone monster. How outrageous.

[Maya Rudolph]

Those two people are married, unfortunately. That's wild.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And they. I counsel them the way. It's not going great. Pilar. Like, guys, I'm your son, but. But also, who else are we going to talk to? I guess.

[Maya Rudolph]

I guess he's right. I mean, do they live in Boston?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Still?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they live in Arlington.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, they live in Arlington.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, Arlington. I can't know where Rachel Dratch is from.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's.

[Pete Holmes]

Lexington.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's from Lexington and same high school you did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Together. She.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's older than you.

[Pete Holmes]

She's. Yeah, she was older because you're younger than me. That's right.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's my senior as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, if we were all in high school together.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. She's. She's quite old. We say two camera. She's.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's an octogenarian. She went to Lexington. And she and Amy Puller always have a fun, like, your high school sucks.

[Pete Holmes]

Thing because she's from Burlington.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Amy. Yeah. I don't know what I mean by this, but Amy Poehler, to me, when I see her, she just looks like Massachusetts to me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

And nobody else. I don't think other people see that, but that is what girls looked like in my high school.

[Maya Rudolph]

I never heard her with her Boston accent. She said she had a very thick one, but I never heard it.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe It. Rachel doesn't look like she's from Lexington. No, she looks like she's from Kansas.

[Maya Rudolph]

To me. She looks like Midwest. Like, from, like, Lithuania. Like, she could be from our. Yes, our part of town.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to see her go.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have pigeon soap.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's the perfect character.

[Maya Rudolph]

She definitely has pigeon.

[Pete Holmes]

I will shave you while you sleep. Keep the gods away.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is that how they talk in Lithuania? Yeah, I've never been. Have you? No, I've never been.

[Pete Holmes]

That is not how they talk in Lithuania.

[Maya Rudolph]

You sound like grew from. Oh, you're. You only have a three and a half year old. Well, good news. You're about to see every animated film that's ever been made in the next. For the next 10 to 15 years of your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Luca, what was it like being married to Jim Gaff again?

[Maya Rudolph]

Pretty great.

[Pete Holmes]

100% JK. What if I thought you guys had to, like.

[Maya Rudolph]

We got really married. We got married in order to, like, feel it out.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the hot questions. Hot. Ryan Gosling. We always end by. And I. I just want to respect your time. Look, I'll do this all day. We haven't sung in unison yet. Oh, yeah. If you want.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Close with that. But before that, do you have any. Any religion, spirituality, feelings? We just. Here's why I. I'm asking. It's not to be like my run off's an atheist or. Or clickbait.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I'm waiting for the clickbait.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's Pete claiming he's quoting Moshe Casher, who's clearly a fake name, just so he could. On Lithuania in World War II.

[Maya Rudolph]

We just told. We just told the world that David Blaine murdered somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Maya Rudolph]

Be clear about that. Because the light flicker.

[Pete Holmes]

Derek Delgado has chipmunk chinks. This is what it is. Hosting.

[Maya Rudolph]

And he's hot.

[Pete Holmes]

And he made us moist.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, he did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, that show is sexy as hell.

[Maya Rudolph]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Jesus Christ. Keep it in your pants.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean. And he can cut to any. I mean, he's one of the best mechanics. That's the term.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Card mechanic. There's something called the mechanic's grip.

[Maya Rudolph]

My mouth is agape.

[Pete Holmes]

If you see John Turturro, who I'm assuming is your dear friend, just because he's a New York guy. I'm assuming you mean the actor. Yeah. Out it come by snl. La. I can't do him.

[Maya Rudolph]

I can't do him.

[Pete Holmes]

No one can do him.

[Maya Rudolph]

Nope.

[Pete Holmes]

He can barely do them. Nope. He can't do it at all it's in Rounders. He goes, I knew a boy was cheating when I saw him with the mechanic's grip. Ed Norton ketchuping a hot dog with his finger.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

He was in the scene.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's. Are you serious? You love movies that much that you watch them over and over again?

[Pete Holmes]

Constant. Ask me how many times I've seen twbb.

[Maya Rudolph]

How many times have you seen twbb?

[Pete Holmes]

Embarrassed. It's too many to count.

[Maya Rudolph]

How many.

[Pete Holmes]

It's in the. It's not in the triple digits, but it's in the high double digits.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. And that's a long movie.

[Maya Rudolph]

That movie is an exceptional movie. That was the first movie that Paul actually made when I knew him. He had already made Punch Drunk Love when I met him, but. And he was editing it, so he wasn't around when he was shooting it, so. Pun. There will be blood. Our daughter was eight months old, and we went to Martha Marfa, and we. We were like. And Marfa's a trippy place.

[Pete Holmes]

Marfa, Texas?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, Marfa, Texas.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's where you bought Upton Sinclair's oil. Exclamation point.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, he. He had oil already.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why you went to Marfa.

[Maya Rudolph]

We went to Marfa so he could film.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this is to make the movie.

[Maya Rudolph]

To film it. Yes. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you took a day trip to Marfa.

[Maya Rudolph]

Honey, do you want to go to Marfa? Her.

[Pete Holmes]

Baby. That's where there will be. That's where no country was as well.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't. Don't.

[Maya Rudolph]

Twbb. There will be. Baby. I just made that up.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't put it in your pocket, because then it's just another coin, which, of course it is.

[Maya Rudolph]

Does he say that?

[Pete Holmes]

That's in no Country.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'll see. You watch a lot more movies than I do.

[Pete Holmes]

Haven't seen no Country.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have. I've seen it. Do you. Are you asking me if I remember it?

[Pete Holmes]

Just go ahead and watch it again. Yeah, and go like, wow. That was a really good. Good.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that was Javier. But you sounded like John Houston just now.

[Pete Holmes]

John Hughes.

[Maya Rudolph]

John Houston. Not John Hughes, who's maybe one of my favorite directors.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Maya Rudolph]

Have you met me?

[Pete Holmes]

Which is your least favorite PTA movie? Just kidding.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

[Pete Holmes]

It would be fun.

[Maya Rudolph]

It was. It was one of those things that were, like, It. It was weird to meet him because I already loved his movie.

[Pete Holmes]

So that was.

[Maya Rudolph]

That was a little bit creepy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm really glad because Val's a. Like, a fan like, she likes my work. And I think that really.

[Maya Rudolph]

I felt embarrassed, but then I didn't. But it didn't. It didn't make things weird, but it was. But it was a little bit creepy.

[Pete Holmes]

But you probably saw, I believe I've heard Forgive and Forget, that there's like, a three hour cut of There Will Be Blood. And I was like, can I please watch that?

[Maya Rudolph]

There's a three hour cut of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody said that they went to a screening, like a friend screening evening, to give notes.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, so you mean early on before you. Trim. Trimmed.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean, like, it's on itunes or. This guy would already have seen it. I mean, there's like a reel somewhere.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'm sure you're trying to plant. No, no.

[Maya Rudolph]

For your 50th birthday present. I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying you've seen it. You haven't seen it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I must have seen it in all its iterations, for sure. But I don't remember. You know what? Here's a fun fact. I don't remember a lot of things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't know if I've told you.

[Pete Holmes]

That I love it, and I told.

[Maya Rudolph]

You that a lot. I don't remember how long it was, but, yes, I've seen all the iterations. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it ever awkward when you're like, not for me. I mean, how are you?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes. But I've never felt that way. But when I. When I did see There Will Be Blood, I uncontrollably wept afterwards and had. And, like, could not. Could not come back from it for a while. Like, we. It was. It was done. Ish. But, like, wasn't completely done. But it was the first time I really saw it. We were in New York at the time because I dragged poor Paul and our baby back to do more snl, and he had to edit it there. And I uncontrollably wept at Daniel Plainview's horrible heart. Like, it hurt me. It hurt me to see which way he went. It upset me so much, and I couldn't come back from it for a really long time. It was really wild.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's actually a beautiful, beautiful thing for you to say because that. It's like when people love Patrick Bateman, the American Psycho, these things are supposed to be skewering these characters.

[Maya Rudolph]

Right? Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's weird that we're like, that's my guy. Daniel Plainview. That's my guy.

[Maya Rudolph]

You mean, I'm sure some. It's somebody's guy for sure. But. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I call my ego my plane view.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

So you don't like Paul's movies at all?

[Pete Holmes]

It's psychologically helpful to go. That's just my plain view.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning we all have a part of us that's like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll kill my. This guy for anything. Like, it's. It's grotesque, but it's the animal.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

We're animals.

[Pete Holmes]

We are. We're mammals. We're bipolar.

[Maya Rudolph]

We make milk and we fart.

[Pete Holmes]

We do make milk.

[Maya Rudolph]

We make milk and get. Let me tell you something.

[Pete Holmes]

It's awesome that you make milk.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. It's so great.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, the feeling of it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, nursing is the best thing in the world.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Val had a she. We're really hoping for number two right now.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, that. But. But let me preface that by saying. Let me. Let me rewind and say, not everybody nurses. And I'm not here to go. Why don't you nurse?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Val did nurse. It just didn't go great.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's such a stressful thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's so stressful for so many people.

[Pete Holmes]

Coming over and squeezing.

[Maya Rudolph]

I had a coach for my son because he had jaundice, and, like, we couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, jaundice. They put you under the little McMuffin.

[Maya Rudolph]

We put a little under McMuffin lamp. And he was born in July, and he was so sleepy, he'd fall asleep on the boob. He was just a small guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll never be happier than that. Oh, he was just jaundice. Hot from that McMuffin.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just have to take his shirt off and tickle him to keep him.

[Pete Holmes]

Awake falling asleep while nursing milk.

[Maya Rudolph]

But it's. There's something that you release that's very. That's very peaceful from it. But my girlfriends that also had children around the same time, some of them that did not have a good time with it. It's brutally stressful.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a bummer.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I hate the. The idea that we're all supposed to, like, do it a certain way.

[Pete Holmes]

Like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, I think people think because I have four children that, like, I promote something.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to touch your thing.

[Maya Rudolph]

But, like, that I.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I have four children.

[Maya Rudolph]

I do have four children, but the truth is, like, I just want people to be happy. Of course, you know, like, do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Is a sensitive subject. But I think you're also free to say that you loved it and that it was.

[Maya Rudolph]

It sounds like I loved it, but I know it's not for everyone. And I. And I know how hard it is. And there, by the way, I don't know if you called her, but there was an amazing lactation nurse that I used called my mobile coach.

[Pete Holmes]

Still laughing at you, saying, you don't like Paul's movies at all, do you? That was very funny and very quick little switchblade right there. Yeah, I think she did use that lactation coach.

[Maya Rudolph]

She's very good, Linda.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I remember Linda. She, she grabbed my wife's breast.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

While I was just sort of like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did she do the sandwich? Hold the sandwich grip. Yeah, that's, that's all.

[Pete Holmes]

The Subway sandwich grip.

[Maya Rudolph]

The Subway sandwich. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hungry girls choice. So, any spiritual leanings?

[Maya Rudolph]

I was not my parents. My dad was not raised going to Hebrew school and my mom was raised, I think Presbyterian and was. And they both decided that they did not practice religion. But they used to tell me when I was little, like, it's whatever you believe. Like, they were very open. And so I never. It's really interesting. My grandfather, my dad's father, Sid Rudolph, was kind of a self proclaimed atheist. He was Jewish, but he was a self proclaimed atheist. And he used to say, he had a lot of quotes. He was not a famous man, but in our family he was famous for some reason. And he used to say things like, your rules don't rule us. He was just very like, he didn't like being told what to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I like your rules don't rule.

[Maya Rudolph]

Your rules don't rule us. He also said it's like Mad Men.

[Pete Holmes]

Where he goes, you're born alone, you die alone. And the world slaps a bunch of rules on you to make you forget that part. But I never forget God.

[Maya Rudolph]

You go, jesus, who, who has isms. Like my, my grandfather always used to also used to say, the park is filled with dead joggers.

[Pete Holmes]

The park is filled with dead joggers.

[Maya Rudolph]

He didn't like to exercise.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. He was like pre peloton.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's like, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was really like, I got your jug right here.

[Maya Rudolph]

He was a funny, funny man. But he did not like religion.

[Pete Holmes]

And then why not say the moral morgue is filled with a lot of people that should have gone for a little jog?

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I'm supposed to exercise. Yeah. The park's filled with dead joggers. Like, I know that's a very, it's very Sid Rudolph.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little. It's a lot.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a lot. Well, you clearly haven't dined with Sid.

[Pete Holmes]

Rudolph or the other Guy that's cut.

[Maya Rudolph]

Doug Rudolph. His son.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's his son.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, my dad's brother.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. I'm getting a.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're the best.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of apples on this family tree.

[Maya Rudolph]

This is the Rudolph tree. But when I did my. I. The reason I know a lot of my genealogies, I did the genealogy show. Finding your roots. And they do such beautiful, extensive genealogy research. And so they did six months of research. I had no idea, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she's watching that show.

[Maya Rudolph]

Our family's from Lithuania, but specifically Vilnius. And that our name was not Rudolph. It was Rudischevsky, Ruda Chevsky. So that's why it's like, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

They make the red. No, it's rain goat.

[Maya Rudolph]

Exactly. It's a goat. Oh, it's not a deal.

[Pete Holmes]

The rain go.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's a goat.

[Pete Holmes]

With Santa and his bag of call. The goal is for the good. For the good kids. And it's interesting that you.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's the. That's your Lithuanian accent, and I.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just Eastern European.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, but I fully believed it the first time you did it. And now I'm like, is it.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't necessarily. That's Lithuanian. It means don't worry about it. So when I. Yeah, so when I'd go. My family. My mother's family speaks Lithuanian for Christmas and stuff.

[Maya Rudolph]

Stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just learned Ne saru pink, which means don't worry about it.

[Maya Rudolph]

That makes you sound smart. Well, the. The. The. The gist of it, and I'm clearly long winded, is that I found out that our family built the synagogue in Lithuania, which I found so fascinating because it was my grandfather's father's family that built the synagogue.

[Pete Holmes]

That definitely doesn't sound like something that make up to make you feel like you didn't waste your time doing. Doing that stupid show.

[Maya Rudolph]

What show? Wait, which show? Oh, Fighting a root God.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you were doing a bit also.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, I love the show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, you loved it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. The show was so.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I thought they made that up? I'm just kidding. They definitely did.

[Maya Rudolph]

What if we found find out like 10 years later that all those shows are just literally just like. Just throw that in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And your dad's best friend was Hemingway.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, that's what it felt like when I did the. The genie, the DNA stuff, like the 23 me for my dog.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever do that for your dog?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, you could do like a gene thing for your dog.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you looking for, Snoopy? What Are you going in there looking for mama?

[Maya Rudolph]

I wanted to know what he was.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

And they told us the dumbest.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Like, oh, Rhodesian Ridgeback and you know, Shih Tzu. And I was like, he's a pit.

[Pete Holmes]

Mix it when my dad did it. And it's always. It's just so a lot of white people can be like, you know, I'm a little bit Cherokee.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, it's very funny. That was actually the big joke on that because I was always told, because black families also are always told that we're part Native American. And I asked him and he said everybody asks. And he turned the page and was like, zero. But. But there's. It's so fascinating because we're definitely the age where we were brought up by people who. Did it happen again?

[Pete Holmes]

David, wait.

[Maya Rudolph]

But we were talking about ancestors and Native Americans and it happened. What's going on, Pete? It's haunted. This is a haunted jack shack. Jack. Your jack shack.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, I. Jack back here.

[Maya Rudolph]

This is. Yeah, this is a jack shack.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a jack.

[Maya Rudolph]

Jack.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what you call Paul? Tom's editing. B. You and your jack shack.

[Maya Rudolph]

Honey.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Working on the cut.

[Maya Rudolph]

Are you in the jack shack? It's time for dinner.

[Pete Holmes]

Put down the three hour cut of there will be blood that you unearth for Pete's 50th and get down here.

[Maya Rudolph]

You've got plenty of time. You're not there yet. Yet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true. You have seven years to find those canisters.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, we know.

[Pete Holmes]

Hit it. God do. Is there one?

[Maya Rudolph]

I. I feel that there is.

[Pete Holmes]

There's like a moment.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did I do that?

[Pete Holmes]

You went ask me. I'll try to be you.

[Maya Rudolph]

God is there.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I think there is.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think there is a. I think there is a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you.

[Maya Rudolph]

I don't know what it is, but I do. I do talk to whatever is it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sometimes I don't have any sort of like place I go or organization, but I definitely feel that I am part of something much larger than myself. That. Similar to the way that we. That babies come into this world. Like the. I just. I. When I was pregnant, I marveled at the human body. I was like, wow, this thing, this machine is incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

It really takes care of itself. That's kind of how I feel about the universe and life and what. Whatever God is. And for me, God is nature and the universe. And I talk to it sometimes like it's a person, but it doesn't feel like any specific thing to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right out of my brain. God is no thing. Yeah, it's not a thing. It's. It's not a man in the sky.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's. It's more of a verb, as people sometimes say.

[Maya Rudolph]

I like that. I like that. And then I. I think. I think because I was a kid, when my mom died, I got a lot of, like, imagery in my head of heaven and angels and all that stuff. So I sort of used to associate, like, God with my mom is with God. Or people would say things to me. But I think whatever that is, is. I do. I do believe Paul's right. I do believe it's a hopeful thing, that maybe she's with the big man upstairs somewhere. There's. There's something good happening. Because here's my thing. Here's my. My theory. What a jip that we. We get. We get to come on this planet, right? We get to be alive. We get to inhabit this wonderful body that we're given, and then we make people or find people that we love more than anything in the world, and then we leave. That's up. That's horrible. Now I know that I'm supposed to be appreciative of the time that I was here.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really? Truly. Truly. Like, I find as. As each day goes by, and it definitely since I became a parent, that really the only thing that floats my boat most is the people that I love and the. These people that are breathing outside of my body, and I just can't get enough of how wonderful they are. Why then are we supposed to just go, bye, bye. It's so up.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, we talk about this on the show a lot. The way we phrase it is, would ice cream taste good if you lived forever? I feel like. Like if you look at Adam and Eve as a story of human beings. Remember, you eat from the tree of good and evil. This is just a story, by the way, but you eat from good and evil. So as soon as you have life, as soon as you have incarnation, you have. You have death. They define one another. Light defines dark. Joy defines sorrow. So we're stuck. We left the Garden of Eden, which is where everything. That's where your son was when he was passing out. Nursing and just so warm and happy. That's where we were. I think there was a time when we were in the indivisible unborn unmanifest. God. But God wanted to play. That's what my daughter's name means. Leila it means the play of God, the play of life, the dance as well. So it risks even something as horrible as death because it knows that when your car spun around and went backwards and you heard that Stevie Wonder song, that that feeling was like electricity in a way that it wouldn't be if you didn't almost die. You know what I'm saying? It wants. That's what's so beautiful about storytelling and film and stuff is it's making meaning of this system, of this thing that we're stuck in. But that is what I think is going on is it gives this. It's like telling a story. It has to have stakes. This conversation matters more. You choosing to come here and do it matters more that our time is finite and our future is unpromised. And it just sort of imbues everything with this. It's really.

[Maya Rudolph]

I think you're absolutely right. I think what. What breaks my heart is seeing the. The physical form fall apart. Like watching older people in pain, like, all that's. And then we appreciate more. Right. Like you get. Let's be honest, some filmmakers make very different movies when they get older than they do when they're younger. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know you're waiting for that 85 year old PTA movie.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, and I'm gonna see it on 35.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's right. Or maybe 70, Pete. Let's be honest. Maybe 70 mil.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I'll see it in the dome if it reopens.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, why? What's. I mean, what's wrong with Los Angeles? Why are. Why don't they preserve their history?

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't he. All the great directors in this town donate.05% of their.

[Maya Rudolph]

I agree with that. And I do think that.

[Pete Holmes]

Why didn't Green Day save cbgb? Like, I. I'm just like, I don't understand.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm with you on that, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

You know what I've always wanted to do for real, because I grew up in Westwood is I want to save Westwood Village. Because it was the shit when I was growing up and it's a college town and there was like individual theaters and then you could walk and go to the arcade or you could get food or whatever, but it was alive and fun and. And like, no reason why, but. And it's just never, like, it's never come back. So I'm here on your podcast to.

[Pete Holmes]

Petition to save the Arc Light and the Westwood.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, save the Arclight, both the Hollywood and the Sherman Oaks, and. And Westwood.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

There's A lot. My children are definitely being raised to appreciate film, actual film and that. And it's. I mean, look, in our lifetime, it's. It's die. It's a dying art. Actual dying art. You know, most of those theaters are just digital projections. There's no film. People don't know how to. How to load reels.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, your kids are cutting and load reels. Load reels. Is that a masturbation?

[Maya Rudolph]

It just sounded dirty.

[Pete Holmes]

How old are your kids? Forget it.

[Maya Rudolph]

35, 80, 29 and 1.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a weird thing when you do have boys and they reach an age, you're like, it's happened.

[Maya Rudolph]

I, I don't know that age yet. Yeah, I have a little girl.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever you think it is, subtract seven.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm just kidding. I had a woman say, well, we were talking about having teenagers, and she said, and a mom older than me. And she said, whatever you think they're doing, subtract two years. They're doing it earlier.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Maya Rudolph]

Bummer. You've bummed me out.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally bummed me out.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thanks a lot. You totally bummed me out.

[Pete Holmes]

I regret this egg sound.

[Maya Rudolph]

You can change.

[Pete Holmes]

It was too hard.

[Maya Rudolph]

I thought we were doing our echo thing.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that will sing in unison.

[Maya Rudolph]

Okay, let's do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved your God answer, by the way. For what it's worth.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thank you. I love talking about it. And I, I. I used to be afraid to talk about it, and I. I think I was. I was so scared of death. Dying, Talking about death, talking about any life, any of it. When I was a kid, I was so scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Maya, your mom died when you were 17.

[Maya Rudolph]

Seven.

[Pete Holmes]

Seventeen.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. That was full wheeze.

[Pete Holmes]

That was great. Correcting you on the age your mother died. That you were really got me. Loved it. What, What I mean is, once your mom dies and you're seven, and I don't mean to be speaking so casually.

[Maya Rudolph]

You're doing great.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I'm just saying, the rest of your life after that point, if somebody has some goofy afterlife theory. Theory, they're talking about someone you love. It's not, it's not a. It's not a thought experiment.

[Maya Rudolph]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

So I feel the same way. Like, I have a joke where I go, I believe in God, but I hate when other people believe in God because I don't know which God they're talking about.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Could be one of the weird up ones. That's. That's, that's doing horrible things.

[Maya Rudolph]

I agree. With you. I, I like. I like the idea of everybody got their own thing. Thing. It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, what I hear in that is, oh, boy. Don't get me started. But we tend.

[Maya Rudolph]

We have three more hours.

[Pete Holmes]

I know we do. We tend. This is a Richard Roylan. We tend to make a God that's like us. Instead of seeing God as God is like, wait, that's not the quote.

[Maya Rudolph]

This is a George Carlin joke. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

This is a George Carlin quote. Baseball has helmets and softballs. Football has lines and guards.

[Maya Rudolph]

All I know is, when I was in high school, I worked at Chili Jilly's Frozen Yogurt, and I served George Carlin. Frozen yogurt was really cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Little ponytail.

[Maya Rudolph]

I. I believe the ponytail was gone by that point.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I like it.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's an older Carlin.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. OC. What I'm saying, you're saying you love the diversity of belief.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I just. You know why? Because what I'm really saying is, don't tell me what to do. Do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's why I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of dead joggers in the park.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I'm free to do. I'm free to feel how I feel. And so was everybody else.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly what's beautiful.

[Maya Rudolph]

People want me to feel a certain way. That actually, you know what? That scares me, I think, because that is from childhood. There was something that I did cut you off, and you were like, all right.

[Pete Holmes]

I certainly wasn't. I was like, look at you. You're doing a good job getting the guest to talk.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, I just. I, I, I think I, I think I was a little weirded out by, like, going to church when we'd go home to Chicago to see my mom's family, because I didn't understand it. No one helped me understand it. I just, like, was thrown in cold. So it was very overwhelming. And I felt. It made me nervous because I felt like I'm supposed to know what's going.

[Pete Holmes]

On, and I didn't sing to Skinny Bloody Guy.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I didn't understand.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a frightening experience.

[Maya Rudolph]

And it somehow always equated with my mom, and it all felt a little scary. So that wasn't great for me. It's scary in, like, a death way. Not my mom. I love my mother, but I wasn't very afraid of all this mystery of life and all that stuff. And so I sort of put it all away. Now I'm like, bring it on. Yeah, let's sit down with it. Yeah, come on in.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Great.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, I don't know. What else am I going to do? Why waste your time pushing stuff away? I mean, I'm still a scaredy cat about a lot of stuff in life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Like, I'm not someone who's gonna just start rock climbing tomorrow. I don't think I'd be very good at that. And I'm probably not gonna see any of the scary movies that we were talking about, but, like, I'm definitely more open to stuff that used to kind of freak me out.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, sorry to keep bringing it up, but you were wounded. They start the age of the wound, you know, in the child's life.

[Maya Rudolph]

Life.

[Pete Holmes]

There's the innocence and then there's the wound and the age of seven.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is when, like, the archetypal wound happened. So you had, like, a real. So it's not, like, cute or. Yeah, like, let's just kind of talk like it had happened to you. So of course you were guarded, but now you've matured and you've ripened and you're a plum. Like, I'm confused. And you're a plum. And you brought us plums.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did I brought you nectarines?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, nectarines. Forgive me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Tell me if they're. Tell me, do you like nectarines or do you hate them?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, did you just call me an? Yes. I love nectarines.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're delicious. What I want you to do before you eat them is smell them. They smell like heaven.

[Pete Holmes]

I smell books. I'm gonna be smelling everything a lot. Can I get you. Just because it. I love this. Right? We're like glasses of water, and God's like an ocean. And when we die, the water just goes back into the ocean. The form is gone, but the ethnic essence goes nowhere.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's what I was saying before about, like, this body that we like, we. We get to.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the glass of water.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, like, how the. Did this happen?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what Joseph Campbell says is spirituality is realizing you're not the light bulb, you're the light. You're the light, and we're all the light.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I think I'm still. Still holding on to something that's like. But are we gonna see each other again? Like, I really, really get. I get too. Too precious about it. And I have to. I have. I would love to make peace with that before I go night. Night forever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because I really don't want to go into the. The darkness like, you know, kicking and screaming. I want to be okay with all of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Dr. Drew did this podcast, and he. He was like, I've been with a lot of people dying, and he's like, people of faith have a much easier time. He was like, he does. He's not a person of faith. And he's like, I really envy that. And I was like, well, wouldn't you. Don't you want to crash a book of a different tradition? Maybe you don't like the one you were raised in, but, like, sometimes when you read another tradition, Daoism, for example, is a beautiful. Like, it's all one. It's all. For lack of a better word. I call it the dao. It's like, it doesn't even name it. God, it's just like, it's all one. It's. Everything's fine. It's all happening simultaneously. It's very comforting.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was going to say that the reason you're nervous is the same. Is the other side of what makes you a beautiful mother and a friend and all things. These. These things. Because you appreciate the preciousness and you want to engage. So you're not ready to push everything away.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's fine. That's. That's why the ego is never going to love. It's never going to love spirituality, really, because it. It destroys it. You know what I mean? It. It kills. It kills it off.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is that also why, like, as we watch people get older, they're like. They're this, like, I don't know. There's. Yeah, that fech is like, is that fe. Kind of like, I've accepted, like, I'm on my way.

[Pete Holmes]

Boy, I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

Or is it just physical pain? I think about it a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Physical pain is a huge thing Y.

[Maya Rudolph]

Physical pain. By the way, have you noticed my footwear? Physical pain has already begun.

[Pete Holmes]

Pretty cool. Got a nice note of mustard on the bottom.

[Maya Rudolph]

Once, you know, once you see this on the side of someone's shoe, you'll be like, oh, that person's aging.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because it's awesome. All foot. It's all about feet. And we're not even New Yorkers using our feet all the time. We're in cars all the time. But it affects your knees, your ankles, your back.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely understand. And I'm gonna do what Snoop Dogg did. Oh, you look great. I couldn't do it.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's what he said. I couldn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Cool.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, you look great.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'll do Denzel. That's you. This is Paul. That's you. All right, all right. That's okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's a good Dean Denzel. Denzel.

[Pete Holmes]

Dean. That's a Dean Denzel.

[Maya Rudolph]

That was a very. I was there for the Dean. The Dean Edwards years. Huh? I've seen it all.

[Pete Holmes]

Here. Let's do it. Do you want to go and I'll mirror you, or do you want me to go and you marry?

[Maya Rudolph]

I. I haven't thought about this. I haven't thought about this yet.

[Pete Holmes]

Ready? You'll follow me and then I'll follow you. Call your dad and tell them how you want to get some pop, pop, pop popcorn and caramel and crispy cookies on the finger spinning with the Kermit hat. Don't tell Joanie Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

What is this?

[Pete Holmes]

Look out. There's witches in that house. House in Beverly Hills. Caroline. Now I'm following you, Caroline. Home, Pete sweet home.

[Maya Rudolph]

Home, home. On.

[Pete Holmes]

When I. I was a rich man.

[Maya Rudolph]

Snoop Dogg always said, keep it in your pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Amen. You looked like you were 12 years old. When you realize was like, it was the most purest thing.

[Maya Rudolph]

That is how I feel when I'm having fun making funnies. I feel like you're 12. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's the freedom that. Sorry to make it spiritual, but we are in the spiritual part. There's a. My favorite Jesus quote is, lest you become like a little child, you won't enter the kingdom of heaven. And I'm like, so it's not about being angry and being right and. And being righteous and making other people believe. It's about being like a little child. And you know that when you're in that space, it's pure.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's. And. And back to what I was saying about being a parent is like. It's interesting because children are so present, and especially when we have baby babies. Not children all the time, but yes, children as well. You're constantly present in the moment because you're like, I have to keep you alive. I have to keep you alive. I have to. And I would get nervous like, well, I have to keep. Keep this human alive. But it's all being in the moment. It's all present.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Maya Rudolph]

So nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Also another Jesus quote.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Jesus quote. No. Ah, Jesus quote.

[Maya Rudolph]

God, I keep. I don't know what I'm doing to this poor pillow, but it's gonna smell like the inside of me when I leave.

[Pete Holmes]

Ask Paul if in Sydney, when the matches go off and he goes, it almost burned my dick. Was that intentional that he's. He feels like a castrated male and he's looking for a father. Can anyone help me with these? Paul Thomas Anderson.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, why don't you call him right now and ask him?

[Pete Holmes]

Just give me his math, man.

[Maya Rudolph]

Give me his math.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me his math.

[Maya Rudolph]

I've never heard that before.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? In the BC black community.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm a virgin.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a virgin in the B.C.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, I'm just a virgin in general.

[Pete Holmes]

For immaculate conception options. I got. Whose phone number did I get? It was a BlackBerry. Oh, it was Chris Redd. And I said, give me your math. Do the black people still say that? And he laughed really hard.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, he was really lovely guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he's. And I got confirmation that math is still a thing in the B.C.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I wouldn't know because I was raised in Westwood.

[Pete Holmes]

Save the theater. Save the mixed race.

[Maya Rudolph]

Say.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what that means.

[Maya Rudolph]

Save the mixed race. Race and save the man.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say it again. Don't say it again.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, don't worry, don't worry. They're. They're so. They're still on the David Blaine thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

So it happened twice. It happened when David Blaine murdered somebody. And it happened when we talked about Native American.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And.

[Maya Rudolph]

And lineage and our ancestors. Are you my ancestor?

[Pete Holmes]

If you did text Paul, was that because he's emasculated? Would he. What? What emoji? Would he reply? JK Eggplant.

[Maya Rudolph]

Wait, what? What eggplant?

[Pete Holmes]

Here's.

[Maya Rudolph]

What were you asking about emojis?

[Pete Holmes]

It was just a riff. Oh, it's just a jazz riff.

[Maya Rudolph]

Nobody wants to go back and explain their riffs.

[Pete Holmes]

No. That's why we don't tweet anymore.

[Maya Rudolph]

We're just shooby dooing, baby.

[Pete Holmes]

We're Scooby Doo and RRO Full circle.

[Maya Rudolph]

I say RRO on a regular basis.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're full cir.

[Maya Rudolph]

And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll. We're full cir. To soleil.

[Maya Rudolph]

Say we're full cir. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Wow. Here's the last question. PTA fart is written down there. Does it literally says pta?

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. Oh. Because you have to ask him. I won't answer for.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

But good news.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we really haven't.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know the answer.

[Pete Holmes]

You've smelt the answer.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I've dealt the answer.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes we say the case of the people of Smelt V. Dealt.

[Maya Rudolph]

Did you ever say silent but deadly or silent but vulgar?

[Pete Holmes]

Silent. I do both, but I learned silent but deadly.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, that was the best.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever hear whoever smelt it, dealt it and whoever dealt it, felt it. Because I just heard for the first time in my life. And whoever dealt it, felt it. It was like three weeks ago. I'm 43. Someone said, and whoever dealt it, felt it.

[Maya Rudolph]

I've never heard that.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's another one of Val and I. We laugh about farts. And I'm like, when you fart, you kind of know the shape of it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Because your butt kind of goes. Was like, oh. It's like. It's like you could do like a little sound wave of it.

[Maya Rudolph]

My farts are different since I've had children. For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, cuz I got a brand new butthole.

[Pete Holmes]

When I. They rebuild you a butthole, they go, we got a full tear.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh God.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that crazy?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is why the Exorcist is so scary. When it's like. And they pee. It's like, we're so not okay. Talking about full tears period. Panties.

[Maya Rudolph]

Something about that peeing thing was really disturbed. It was like, oh, something's. It's almost like she has a fever. Like she's like, something's wrong with my child. Like. And the way the mom looks at her was really like, oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the. When I say humiliation, I don't mean it in a bad way. The, the. The grounding humbling thing of having a child like that. I don't want to say that tearing, but I'm just like, oh. But like that is a death experience. This is why you see a lot more, more enlightened women than you do men. Period. First of all, teaches cycle flow. Like you have to make peace with your body. Boys are blowing loads into socks left and right. But there. Val. I've done weird psychedelics and stuff. And she just doesn't feel the need because she pushed our baby out of her.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I definitely think that the. Some of the feet like the intensity. The majority of the intense feelings I was having was fear of dying. Dying while I was delivering.

[Pete Holmes]

And here you are. Yeah, that's it. So if. What if you thought you couldn't live through it and you did, you must not be what you thought you were. Right?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. That's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good. It's round us. Speaking of a guy in pain, I.

[Maya Rudolph]

Was gonna say, you're really good at this. But it wasn't you that said that.

[Pete Holmes]

I remembered it then.

[Maya Rudolph]

You're really good at this, aren't you?

[Pete Holmes]

A healer, aren't you? A vessel of the Holy Ghost.

[Maya Rudolph]

That's creepily Accurate, Isn't it Good.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a.

[Maya Rudolph]

But that was the first, like, Daniel Plainview. I feel like I've heard all day.

[Pete Holmes]

It was good. It was more than good all day.

[Maya Rudolph]

Give me a good one, Pete. Can you imagine if I was like, I'm waiting.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. Do Phil again. That was one of my favorite moments. Listen, tell me to Cl. What's that?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, what is it, Pete? Go on, Petey.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, when I'm micing my eyeball, you're. You're being very fun.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's probably so loud. She's. Look, she's. She's having to turn it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. That's. That's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you know that when I record the hormone monsters, they have to turn it down every. It's so loud.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course it is.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's so loud.

[Pete Holmes]

What a thing you've done. You saw. This is our mug. We. Maya didn't bring this. I had this made.

[Maya Rudolph]

You had it made?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I had it Etsy. I bought it on Etsy because there was no official. That's SEIZE one. So there's no official merch, is there?

[Maya Rudolph]

Is. Are there mugs now?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, based on Kroll's house, I think there's some merch. My, my. I haven't done Nick Crawl in a while. John Mulane.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, wait, you have a Nick roll.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm ready.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do it anymore.

[Maya Rudolph]

When. When you feel it.

[Pete Holmes]

Brett Gelman. Do you know Brett Gelman?

[Maya Rudolph]

I. I know of Brett Gelman.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to do Bracket, but, see, I went. John Mulaney's a good friend of mine. And it was Brett Gelman that was my touchstone for Brett Gelman. It was John. Ladies.

[Maya Rudolph]

A really good friend of mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And sort of. Close the nose deep. Close the nose deep.

[Maya Rudolph]

There's so many horrifically sounding people that it's so good. Like, they all have, like, nasal sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

A lot of Andre the Giant. Did he live long?

[Pete Holmes]

No, my giant body is mostly gone.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is it. Was it a thyroid condition?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, look, that's the best guess either one of us is gonna get out.

[Maya Rudolph]

It was. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

He was in pain, too, by the end.

[Maya Rudolph]

He was in pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

I hate it when. I hate it when people are in pain or things.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's a great story. I don't know if it's a great story, but he's in a lot of pain. And he's wrestling Hulk Hogan. It's like, one of his last matches, and they had choreographed it. Sorry. But it's it's not fake. But it's choreographed. I'm not saying it's fake. I'm saying it's.

[Maya Rudolph]

Corey, you sure did. That was fake.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fake. I'm not saying it's fake. I'm not. I'm saying it's choreographed. It's quite real. The pain is real.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, that is true. That's the part I don't understand. Why do you choose to do something that causes you pain?

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's like monster trucks, but they're the cars.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yikes.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? And they choreographed it to be very gentle to Andre. Right. Hulk was going to win, but they weren't going to because he was, you know, his body was Achy. Understatement. But then during the match, Hulk tells the story. In the documentary, he goes. He hears Andre go body slam. Like, he called it out, meaning body slam me. Because he's like you. He's a live performance. And once the crowd was there, he was like, they want to see me get body slammed.

[Maya Rudolph]

And then he said, give it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Give it to me. Mr. Reiner, you want to say bonjour?

[Maya Rudolph]

Come on over.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on over.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sit on my lap. I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, Billy Crystal. It's Billy Crystal. He's here. Billy Crystal. I love the one about Mr. Saturday Night.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. God. I don't feel like I'll ever recuperate from how good that impression of Andre the Giant is. You're reminding me of, like, certain people when they do impressions. Like, I'm just like, keep doing it. I feel like the person's here. I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was drunk at. It was John Mulaney's wedding.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, it's okay. You're.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm divorced, too.

[Maya Rudolph]

And you made the new money. This. Your face. That was the best part.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying I felt like I didn't. Oh, I don't. It's so weird. We're all scared of John because he's the best.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. But you.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're like, don't make fun of.

[Maya Rudolph]

John, but it's okay to be divorced.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. No one's. It was your face that was.

[Pete Holmes]

But I. Drunkenly. Somewhat. Drunkenly. It's also just who I am. Beckoned Bill Hader over to just do impressions with me. I was like, bill, get over here. And he did it. To his credit, he did it.

[Maya Rudolph]

He did what?

[Pete Holmes]

He came over and did impressions with me.

[Maya Rudolph]

But what. I want to know which impressions you guys did.

[Pete Holmes]

We did them all.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I think, oh, that's fun, but so good. But it was. Mike Birbiglia was there, I think, and he was like, you shouldn't have done that.

[Maya Rudolph]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, like he thought it was like. I think he was like, it's Bill Hader. You don't do that. No, I was like, come on, man. People who do impressions love doing impressions, honey.

[Maya Rudolph]

You can do whatever you want, honey.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of dead joggers in the park.

[Maya Rudolph]

A lot of dead joggers. The park is filled with Jed joggers. My grandfather wrote a rap once because my dad's a songwriter. And so he was like, oh, hey, hotshot, do. So you think you're such a hot shot. Do something with this. And so.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, he challenged your dad to like, put a beat to it.

[Maya Rudolph]

He said, oh, do something with my lyrics. Yeah. So he sent my dad. It was at the time that Ice Tea had the song Cop Killer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And now he's on the back of my kids cheer Cheerios box going, move with iced tea.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, can we get Cop Killer playing over the video and being like, we should. Let's move.

[Maya Rudolph]

We should teach our children the history of ice tea. Is the ice tea and Snoop have really. They've made it all beautiful. Beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

You're absolutely right. Why am I teasing?

[Maya Rudolph]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he grew.

[Maya Rudolph]

He grew.

[Pete Holmes]

He stopped killing.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh. But I don't. I mean, it's, it's. It's his history. He's allowed.

[Pete Holmes]

He can be on the back of a Cheerios box.

[Maya Rudolph]

He could be on the back of a. Of a tortilla chip bag.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't give a havoc chips. Little bit of soy, Lot of flavor. Sorry. They're a sponsor. Have you had a. Have a chip.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're my favorite. They're my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, brands. They're so good. The ones at the bottom, they are my favorite. I'm sorry.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because they got a little extra bit of lime on them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Heaven isn't too far away.

[Maya Rudolph]

I like Tang a lot. I like tangy taste.

[Pete Holmes]

And Tostitos with lime taste like green Fruit Loops next time you have them.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just had Tostitos with lime and I thought they tasted like Doritos and they were delicious.

[Pete Holmes]

They are delicious. But when you eat them next, go Green Fruit Loop and you'll go, oh, my God, Flanny does look like Sean Astin. It'll be one of those moments.

[Maya Rudolph]

But Flanny really does look like. No, sorry, Sean Aston does look like Fanny. Don't remember what I was saying?

[Pete Holmes]

I've been doing this for a while.

[Maya Rudolph]

And I refuse to acknowledge it. I was like, anyway, my eyes are over here. Why was I. Oh, cop killer, right? S. Rudolph sent my dad lyrics that he wrote called Reply to a Cop Killer. And it goes a little something like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Hit it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, you dress like a million but you act like so don't bug me Me? Take a hike, Take a hike, Take a hike.

[Pete Holmes]

It didn't rhyme. No, I was waiting for take a.

[Maya Rudolph]

Didn't need to.

[Pete Holmes]

You dressed like a million but you.

[Maya Rudolph]

Act like so don't bug me. Oh, sorry. So don't bug me. Get off my back. Take a hike, take a hike, take a hike.

[Pete Holmes]

And did your dad frame it?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Yeah, he did. I mean, there. It's wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in love with your family.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I eat with the weird ones?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes. They're a lot of fun.

[Pete Holmes]

They're around, they're available.

[Maya Rudolph]

I mean, they're not in la, but we can get you on a plane.

[Pete Holmes]

I can be on a plane. I'll be on Joni Mitchell's plane watching Bridesmaids full circle. Making my odow face.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hi, I'm Full circle home.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my job to listen intently for three hours and then not the rest of the day. Cut to me with my daughter. Hey, Lucy, you're gonna take, like, a.

[Maya Rudolph]

Hot nap after this because it's, like, so much having that hot tub. I didn't, but I'm about to.

[Pete Holmes]

That's me. Oh, my God. I want to do it. I would love to do a hot tub called Circle of Paradise, because I have a hot tub and a cold plunge. And if you go between those, do you do it? You get high as.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you really do the cold plunge after the hot tub?

[Pete Holmes]

I do the cold plunge for first.

[Maya Rudolph]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a pirate.

[Maya Rudolph]

So does your brain feel wonderful?

[Pete Holmes]

The word is clear. You just feel still and clear. And we call it FBJ Full Body Jizz. Because if you get in really cold water and then get in really hot water, your whole body, it's like you are Pop Rocks. It feels incredible. You're. You're Diet Coke. And here come the mentals. All right, here come the.

[Maya Rudolph]

I need to do. Do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean.

[Maya Rudolph]

Well, I've always wanted to do the cold plunge, but now I think I have to really set it up that way that you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, TheColdPlunge.com promo code. Weird at checkout.

[Maya Rudolph]

FBJ. FBJ.

[Pete Holmes]

FBJ. It's serious. I mean, you could do it, but you'd probably feel weird doing it in.

[Maya Rudolph]

Your backyard while you're, like, picking up your kid from school. Yeah, I would.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, we've had parties where people get in it.

[Maya Rudolph]

Parties is different. If I was invited, that's different.

[Pete Holmes]

Different. Having a few cocktails, Having a mocktail.

[Maya Rudolph]

Having a Mai Tai.

[Pete Holmes]

Having a Mai Tai. Having a year tie. Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

We've officially run out of steam. Here's the last question.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you tell me the time in your life you laughed the hardest? You've. You've never laughed that hard.

[Maya Rudolph]

Was I supposed to be prepared?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. And it doesn't have to be a good story, but come on. K Wig is there. She's putting a lemon in her T teeth.

[Maya Rudolph]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Willie Fair. He's showing you his chest. Someone fell. Someone farted. One of your kids came in and pooped on the floor. Doesn't have to be a good story.

[Maya Rudolph]

All of these things have happened, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, I'll give you a hand because I don't want you to feel on the spot. It's not that kind of thing. It's just like, I remember one time I said to Val, I go do something that's never. We were in the Bowery Hotel. I go do something that's never been done before. And as I started.

[Maya Rudolph]

I already know.

[Pete Holmes]

That something happened, and I start spinning and my pants fall down. I trip. I'm too tall. I hit my head on the lamp, like the ceiling lamp. And then I hit on the bed. And then Val laughed so hard, she farted. And it's the best. And we just died. So that is a good one. But I mean, like, they don't have to be like. And then I open the door and who is it? Joe Pesci? It doesn't have to be like that. Just. Who. Who are you?

[Maya Rudolph]

Said do something.

[Pete Holmes]

Do something that's never.

[Maya Rudolph]

Someone's getting hurt or falling.

[Pete Holmes]

Do something that's never. It's also like the earnestness of. Of the pursuit. Do something that's never been done. Like, I'm trying to be novel and interesting.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Do something that's never been done. Just. Maybe you were a kid. Can you remember a time when you laughed real hard when you were a kid?

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, I'm sure. See, this is what happens if I laugh too hard sometimes. Then it turns out words, and then.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't stop into mania. Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I love it so much.

[Pete Holmes]

You can also just. This is a fine way to end. Would you want to?

[Maya Rudolph]

What if I was like, no. No, I can't. I have no recall. I feel like. Well, definitely. Definitely bridesmaids days. We were all laughing pretty hard. God. I know. I know that there's something here that's gonna. That's gonna pop into my mind when I drop drive.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

Away.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's not do that. Do you want to hear my Judd impression? Yeah, Maya, I just want to see.

[Maya Rudolph]

Maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe we can do it another time. Maybe. Christian, Knock over the heart. It's not even that good.

[Maya Rudolph]

I didn't. I wasn't aware of how many impressions you did.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, they're all just coming up. Bridesmaids. Cred. Apatow. We call him Crud.

[Maya Rudolph]

Crud.

[Pete Holmes]

Crud. Crud.

[Maya Rudolph]

Using cred. Like, his street credit.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got real.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's got real credit.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes I just look at Judd's IMDb just to be like, I don't have time to read all this.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Maya, I want to give you an award. It's the best episode of all time. You're welcome to keep that mug. Yeah, you can keep that mug.

[Maya Rudolph]

I know that's true, but I really do appreciate it because it's so fun. I knew I would love you because of the way that you laugh. So I had. I had a feeling it was going to be. It was going to be a fun day way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The screws are loose. In the good way.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. Well, yes. And not even in a crazy way. Just. I was like, oh, that's a fun laugh. And even a laugh that I can relate to a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because. Yeah, you got that.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's real. It's. It's a. I got a little witch cackle.

[Pete Holmes]

What's your favorite movie? That's a better or less question. Not pta. Let's just take it off the tape.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Take it off the P. Table.

[Maya Rudolph]

I have favorites, but I don't have a favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Maya Rudolph]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

That's okay. I'm just trying to give you a.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do I like reggae music? Is that the next question? Is this a date? Pete. I'm gonna say. I mean, when I was growing up, I loved. I told you, John Hughes movies. Of course. Like, I knew all the words to all the. Well, Sixteen Candles, but that doesn't count. Yes, I'm gonna say and. And Revenge of the Nerds. I know all the words.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Maya Rudolph]

But I'm gonna say, like, nerdier ones. I really. When I was little, I love Mommy Dearest.

[Pete Holmes]

Mommy Dead and Dearest on hbo.

[Maya Rudolph]

No, Mommy Dearest. The Joan Croft. The Joan Crawford movie that Faye Dunaway played Joan Crawford, and she was a horrible mother. Loved it. Oh, yeah. Super weird because it was on tv. We had the Z Channel here, which was kind of an anomaly. And it was like a. It was basically like the new art in your home.

[Pete Holmes]

It would show uncensored movies.

[Maya Rudolph]

Weird, strange, arty, art house movies. Yeah. Okay. I really loved Victor Victoria. It's a Blake Edwards movie with his wife.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know that one.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, because I'm a. I love. What's that Diane Keaton movie where she moves to the country and Anyhow. Yeah, that one. Oh, my God. I can't think.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You named three already.

[Maya Rudolph]

They're not my favorite. Favorite. You know what movie that I love? Every day I'm like, oh, yeah, that is one of my favorite movies? Beetlejuice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Don't say it two more times. But yes. What if I believed? I'm a believer.

[Maya Rudolph]

Beetlejuice.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's also dark.

[Maya Rudolph]

It is dark.

[Pete Holmes]

Catherine Cherry that killed herself and all that sort of stuff.

[Maya Rudolph]

It's like, oh, yeah, with the slit. Catherine o'. Hara. Oh, it's there, but the smoke is coming out of her neck. Neck. Oh, that lady killed herself. But the lady, that smoke, she's got the slit. And then it starts.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk about a. A time nobody was keeping too close of an eye on old Tim Burt. You know what I mean?

[Maya Rudolph]

They sure were not making Dumbo's ears, but, boy, oh, boy, that original timber. That. That Bert Timbert and the Peewee's Big adventure timber.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Maya Rudolph]

Large Marge, Pure magic.

[Pete Holmes]

Tim Burton, Ernie.

[Maya Rudolph]

I just learned something about Bert and Ernie. I know you want to end, but that a lot of it. All the Bert and Ernie stuff was improvised.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you want to end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're riffing. Yeah.

[Maya Rudolph]

And two good friends that are riffing, which is why it's so. Well, I mean, the puppeteer is. Your eye. Okay. What happened to your eye? I just feel like nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody takes me seriously. Everybody thinks I'm implying. No. I tried to get a withdrawal from my bank. I was like, I want to take out some funds.

[Maya Rudolph]

Great. You're doing great.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

I feel like I shouldn't rob a bank with you. I feel like you give yourself away.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello.

[Maya Rudolph]

Do you wink with your left or your right?

[Pete Holmes]

I believe it's my left.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah. I think I'm more. I think I'm more. My right.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever do a double No, I.

[Maya Rudolph]

Have more on my left. This is what I did to Jody Mitchell. See you around.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good though. The first one you did was more labeled labored. It was like.

[Maya Rudolph]

Because it was my right. My left is my. My left is my. Good wink.

[Pete Holmes]

God help us. We hope you winked right to Joni Mitchell. And one last time, Jeremy Mitchell.

[Maya Rudolph]

I still don't understand the reference.

[Pete Holmes]

He gives her a Joni Mitchell cd.

[Maya Rudolph]

And he speaks that way because he's.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's. Alan. Alan.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, I said Alan Rickman. I said Alan.

[Pete Holmes]

Coming, Alan. Coming.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh my God, that's a different voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Alan Rickman. I mean, Alan Cummings.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, I don't know. I can't do it. I'm just saying it doesn't sound like Alan Rickman.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Unless he. Well, that's a Nick Kroll bit. Alan Rickman always sounds like he had a glass of milk. Like he just finished a big glass of milk.

[Maya Rudolph]

What. What is your Nick Kroll? Did you ever find it?

[Pete Holmes]

No. What was it?

[Maya Rudolph]

God, he's so fucking funny, Nick.

[Pete Holmes]

He used to say, like, what was it?

[Maya Rudolph]

He would say? Don't get that booty. Smack him. Lay. Go down and smack him. Ekam.

[Pete Holmes]

I can do voices that he does on the show. You know, like thing. I can do some of his kind of.

[Maya Rudolph]

I kind of feel that that was my. Where my brain went too.

[Pete Holmes]

But his voice. I can't.

[Maya Rudolph]

Cuz he's not a real human. Did you not know that? He's a comedy robot. He's.

[Pete Holmes]

He's completely comro.

[Maya Rudolph]

He's a. He's a comro. Because he's so perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Not the Nick I know.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh boy.

[Pete Holmes]

I just stare into the middle distance.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, you've seen. You've gone to some dark places.

[Pete Holmes]

The Nick, you've seen.

[Maya Rudolph]

You've seen it all.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's just say I saw him at John Mulaney's wedding. Okay, Peter, we did it. Rudy.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes. Petey.

[Pete Holmes]

My.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes, Pete. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's ever called me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, just ask happened. We got Paul, Tom and Yaya. And now would you please say keep it crispy? Would you do it as the hormone monster?

[Maya Rudolph]

You will?

[Pete Holmes]

You don't mind?

[Maya Rudolph]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You were ready?

[Maya Rudolph]

No, but I just thought about it. Okay, ready, Pete, Keep it crispy. Try it again. One more time.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, Pete, keep it crispy.

[Maya Rudolph]

Not good enough.

[Pete Holmes]

It was excellent. It's because you don't have your cans on. Oh, you think that's why I think those sound great.

[Maya Rudolph]

Next time I'm at your house, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

Gonna keep it crispy. So fun.

[Maya Rudolph]

And then I walk away and there's an ice block.

[Pete Holmes]

You have shined today. Go home and say two things, Paul. Tom. I shined today.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Where's the three hour cut?

[Maya Rudolph]

That I will. And you know what Paul said to me when we woke up this morning? You doing Pete Holmes podcast today? No, Cuz I put it in the calendar.

[Pete Holmes]

Cute.

[Maya Rudolph]

So somebody's. Somebody's on somebody's radar.

[Pete Holmes]

You can wiggle my big toe.

[Maya Rudolph]

Is this one longer than this one?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's the coup d'. Eto.

[Maya Rudolph]

Some people have a second one that's longer. I do not.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm very clearly an asshole. That's why you got them in those hookahs.

[Maya Rudolph]

Yeah, you're. That's what Paul calls them. Them hookahs.

[Pete Holmes]

Hookahs.

[Maya Rudolph]

Let's go. Let's go with hookah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, let's.

[Maya Rudolph]

When I. When I remember when I laughed so hard that I, like, I just urinated myself profusely.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I.

[Maya Rudolph]

Can I tell you? Can I email you?

[Pete Holmes]

You can voice message me and then we'll play it on the show.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Of course.

[Maya Rudolph]

Oh, so smart.

[Pete Holmes]

Thought you were kind of like, sound like turned on. You're like, oh, I can record my own voice.

[Maya Rudolph]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, by two old people that have forgotten what sex is. Oh, the way you slice that bread. Or that's just people that are turned on my food. I don't know.

[Maya Rudolph]

I sadly think that's probably me.

[Pete Holmes]

It is me.

[Maya Rudolph]

Thank you, M. Thank you, Petey. That was really fun.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Maya Rudolph]

I guess I'll go. It.