Mo Welch

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — Episode Summary

Guest: Mo Welch
Release Date: January 15, 2025

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Overview

In this lighthearted episode, Pete Holmes chats with comedian Mo Welch about the unique quirks that shape their comedic and personal lives. They weave through topics like childhood memories, the evolution of identity and sexuality, Mo's "Dad Jokes" special, family dynamics, queer representation, and the world of furries, all with their trademark blend of earnestness and irreverent riffing.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The World-Freeze Fantasy, 80s-90s Nostalgia, and Everyday Weirdness

• Pete and Mo riff about the fantasy of freezing time to see snapshots of people’s lives.
  • Pete: “One of my fantasies is the world would freeze… that I could just walk around and see what everybody was doing at the moment of the freeze.” (03:01)
  • They remember the 80s as “trashy but sweet,” reminiscing about childhood, family, and simpler times (like dads with toothpicks).

2. Comedy Special “Dad Jokes” and the Pitfalls (and Joys) of Compliments

• Pete praises Mo’s special, noting its unique blend of stand-up and documentary:
  • Pete: “It is sensational. And you got me all—was going to say lubed up, but I say like wet and ready…” (09:49)
  • Mo laughs through the awkwardness of taking compliments and how feedback shapes comedy choices.

3. Language, Sex, and Cultural Taboos Growing Up

• A recurring, hilarious theme is misunderstanding sexual innuendo as kids:
  • Bon Jovi’s “Slippery When Wet” and the disconnect between 80s sexual humor and actual understanding.
  • Reflecting on the lack of sexual education: “When we were growing up…we weren’t getting into how do you make a woman feel good…until you’re like, way older.” (10:23)

4. Sexual Identity, Coming Out, and the Relationship Between Repression and Art

• Mo describes realizing her attraction later in life because of cultural repression around lesbianism:
  • Mo: “Mine happened so late. I was so repressed…I had boyfriends in high school, college, and then out of college. Basically, when I started stand up is when I started to even…really start to be like a sexual person.” (15:12)
• Pete floats that queer repression pulls back the bowstring for self-expression, informing artistry.
  • Pete: “One of the reasons [queer people] make wonderful artists is because they have this repression that’s pulling back the bowstring…once you figure yourself out…you will now express yourself…” (15:16)

5. Pride Parades, Children, and Representation

• The fun of Pride with Mo’s daughter, and the evolution of queer visibility:
  • “When I brought my daughter, it was really fun…for a kid. There’s unicorns…Barbie had a float…Ursula…” (18:30)
• Mo comments on gay and straight communities coming together—“The queer and divorce parade”—as a tongue-in-cheek commentary on liberation and visibility.

6. Furries: Family, Community, and What It All Means

• Mo’s brother is a furry, and their mom is supportive enough to sew furry costumes:
  • “She has been making things for my brother’s furry friends...there is a part of me that’s like, mom, I think it’s gone too far.” (20:07)
• They dispel myths: most furries aren’t all about sex, but the community provides safe exploration, especially for queer or neurodivergent people.
  • “It’s not all sexual. A lot of it is just people that don’t feel like they’re in their skin...so they have a costume.” (24:48)
• Hilarious logistics: those $5,000 full-body costumes, “only head” or “only feet” furries, and the elusive “suspiciously placed hole.”

7. Crafting Comedy, Micro-Lies, and the Art of Stand-Up

• They discuss the importance of editing for the audience, “micro lies” in storytelling, and the challenge of distilling complicated realities for the sake of a joke.
  • Mo on her sister’s pole dancing: “I can’t explain all of that before this joke.” (52:16)
• The mutual experience of touring and fine-tuning stories.

8. Growing Up Poor, Animals, and American Oddities

• Mo’s family is described with loving humor—seven people, one bathroom, plenty of little animals, natural disasters (tornadoes), and eccentricities:
  • “Poor people love pets. Little pets.” (54:21)
  • Poor versus rich: “They also have more than one car...poor people always have like seven cars…” (55:04)
• Life in rural Illinois: tornado tales and survival instincts illustrate family bonds and the absurdities of rural living.

9. Sexual Experimentation and Honesty in Relationships

• The pair break down the myths and realities of lesbian sex and “scissoring,” comparing it to the obligatory nature (and ridiculousness) of the 69 position:
  • “It’s like when straight people—We do it just as much as straight people 69, full of drugs or in the first week of being in a relationship.” (44:01)
  • “69ing is like your ass up in a bumper car, drunk, crashing into goats.” (45:31)

10. Cartoons, Comics, and the Joy of Rejection

• Both are New Yorker cartoonists; they swap favorite rejected comics and reflect on the absurd, peculiar humor that the process fosters.
  • Pete: “Two avocados and one has eyelashes...‘What do you mean I’m the good kind of fat?’” (92:21)
  • Mo: “I just don’t think I can believe in a God with a goatee.” (91:27)

11. On Death, Spirituality, and Meaning

• Mo is content with a non-spiritual worldview:
  • Mo: “I think it’s the end. And I don’t really think there’s a meaning. Oh, well—yeah. And I’m not existential about it.” (88:02)
  • Pete affirms that this serene acceptance is itself a kind of spirituality: “That worldview...is the same destination of a mystic or a monk...It’s a deeply spiritual idea.” (88:15)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On childhood naiveté:
  • “I remember being a kid and being like, they’re just, like, in the pool, man. Like, glistening and wet is kind of sexy. That’s all I thought it was.” —Pete (11:01)
• On family support:
  • “My mom…has been making things for my brother’s furry friends…There is a part of me that’s like, Mom, I think it’s gone too far.” —Mo (20:07)
• On expressing ourselves through art:
  • “Once you figure yourself out…you will now express yourself on other things, on everything. Because you’ve done the scary one.” —Pete (15:16)
• On tornado warnings and family chaos:
  • “My mom…puts the heaviest, tallest dresser in front of the door…she just pushed—like mama bear…when your child’s in danger…” —Mo (78:03)
• On commiserating about parental anxiety:
  • “It’s so scary just watching someone you love…Val is like, a comfort person. And I’m like, I can get a nurse for you, right?” —Pete (80:23)
• On meaninglessness as peace:
  • “Unfortunately, and I’m so okay with this…I think it’s the end. And I don’t really think there’s a meaning.” —Mo (88:02)
• On New Yorker cartoons and rejection:
  • “My other favorite rejected [cartoon]...is a clown, very much like, you’re special. A clown is standing there, and the woman is leaving...and she says, ‘I faked the laughs, too.’” —Pete (93:03)

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Timestamps by Topic

• World Freeze Fantasy & 80s Nostalgia: 02:18–05:00
• Comedy Special & Compliments: 09:00–10:00, 19:19–19:42
• 80s/90s Sexual Taboos: 10:04–13:00
• Coming Out & Creative Expression: 13:32–16:29
• Pride Parade, Kids, Community: 17:04–20:00
• Furry Subculture & Family: 20:01–27:33
• Comedy Micro-Lies & Storytelling: 51:30–53:08
• Childhood, Pets, Tornadoes: 53:36–58:25
• Queer Intimacy & Honest Sex Talk: 43:25–46:07
• Cartooning & Rejection: 91:08–97:00
• Meaning of Life & Spirituality: 88:02–90:01

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Tone and Style

Pete and Mo maintain an affable, open tone—oscillating between earnest self-reflection and absurd banter. They’re unafraid of veering into weird territory, sharing personal anecdotes, riffing on cultural quirks, and making each other laugh with candid honesty.

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Summary

This episode is a rich, funny, and unusually intimate conversation between friends. Through honest and hilarious stories, Pete and Mo explore the beauty in everyday weirdness, the power of self-expression, the complexities of family, and the freedom that comes from embracing who you really are—and laughing at every awkward step along the way.
Highly recommended for anyone interested in comedy, personal growth, queer experience, or just a real, joyful hour and a half of genuine conversation.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Mo Welch]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is obviously a devastating, devastating, very sad time. Super, super heavy. We are all feeling it. Me and my family are all right. We're doing okay. But. But so many people that we know have lost their homes and countless more that we don't know. And it is, as I said, it's devastating. It's not business as usual by any means, but we wanted to keep episodes coming out because a lot of us, I think myself at least, are looking for things to get our mind off it, even if it's just for a brief respite or if you're, I don't know, looking for something else to think about. This episode was recorded before all of this. It was recorded actually, I think before the new year even. And it's a delightful chat, and as I say, as I said, I hope it gives some joy and a break, if that's what you're looking for. Obviously, we hope our thoughts and our prayers and our donations and help is to Los Angeles. Please keep helping in the ways that you see fit. It's crazy. Our house is currently filled with folks that have. That had to leave. It's. It's just a insane, insane time. And I want to honor that. And we're dropping this episode in the midst of all of this. Wishing you the best. Hope everybody is safe. Hope everybody is coping, doing all right. And as silly as it sounds, if you're looking for a really wonderful break, I recommend Mo's Special. It's called dad jokes. It's on YouTube right now. Or you can come see her live or come see me live when things come back to normal. In the meantime, enjoy this wonderful chat. Really trying to just keep some positivity out there, sending everybody the best. And our thoughts and hearts are with LA right now. In the meantime, enjoy Mo Welch. Get into it.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, comedians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear them ordering, right? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Part of the show.

[Mo Welch]

I like when he picks them up.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too. But I don't like that the phone call's fake.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, it would have been nice. I mean, I would have liked if it were just spontaneous and they were really just picking them up and they were like. A lot of it was just like 45 minutes of the interview was just them being like, are you sure I can't do this? No, I, I.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't a good day for me.

[Mo Welch]

I don't know. I'm Like, I got the kids today.

[Pete Holmes]

Because then you'd actually like, I'm one of those people that. One of those people. I'm making it a category of people. But one of my fantasies is that the world would freeze. You know, like Vicky.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Or Zach. A lot of sitcoms wanted time to stop and that I could just walk around and see what everybody was doing at the moment of the freeze. So not an abandoned earth, but an earth that was frozen just at one random moment. I could go in and like. Because you're either that kind of snooper.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I love looking in windows. Not to see anything scandalous per se, but I just want to see someone living. Living.

[Mo Welch]

I like that. Yeah. Because if there was no. Because I'm like, I understand. Because if there were like a Pompeii now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

And like, oh God, it'd be so bad. It'd just be a lot of people like on their phones. Like, this would be so sad now would be.

[Pete Holmes]

And actually my little thing would have been way more interesting in the 80s and 90s.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot more like fighting and slapping and.

[Mo Welch]

Oh yeah. Just like mid throw to like throwing something at my sisters.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad throwing an atlas.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, yeah. Hey, you've done your research. Bumping mics.

[Pete Holmes]

Great special.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen my special bumping mics?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, Bumping mics.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never done them.

[Mo Welch]

It's you and a Tell me and it's Al.

[Pete Holmes]

Bumping mics.

[Mo Welch]

I also love saying it tell. When I've never met him, but like still going last name base.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so funny. Attel is. That is such a. That's the best example. More than Hicks or Hedberg. Ego a tell.

[Mo Welch]

Ego a tell. Well, no, Burr. I think people might say burr.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was Marin, it was all a tell. What was that?

[Mo Welch]

Marin.

[Pete Holmes]

Marin.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. There's a Mark Baron.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I, I. First of all, that was a bet. Second of all, I thought you meant Mark's a great stand up. We were listing some that now it seems like I gotta walk that back and say I'm. Because Mark is a great stand.

[Mo Welch]

No, no, I thought I. No, I actually took that as you were like, no, that is not a good name for just saying last name. Like it has to be Mark Marin.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, it's definitely Marin.

[Mo Welch]

Do a lot of people call you homes?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, because I think there aren't enough. Pete's in comedy Davidson. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But Pete somebody a long, long time ago and I really liked it. You ever keep one? Kept it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They said all you need to know about the difference between WTF and you made it weird is Mark wants people to call him Mirin and I want everyone to call me Petey pants. And that really is like a nice like right there. Yeah, we get it.

[Mo Welch]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

One is Marin, which is intimidating. And by the way, he is a great stand up. I just wouldn't. Wouldn't. I'm not going back to.

[Mo Welch]

I wasn't getting that at all. I thought you were just talking about his name because some people you don't want to hear.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, I see.

[Mo Welch]

Like Welch, you know, nobody really calls me Welch.

[Pete Holmes]

No fun. First name. You're a ff.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And it's just one syllable as well, so it's like, why not?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I feel about Mosef.

[Mo Welch]

Mosef. I get Mosef. Mosana.

[Pete Holmes]

Mo Steph Most def.

[Mo Welch]

Mo Money. No, not yet. Not till now.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be the first to get Mo Money.

[Mo Welch]

Mo Money.

[Pete Holmes]

What does Brett Coldstein call you?

[Mo Welch]

He calls me Mosana a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Mosana.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's good to see you. Mosif is some people do is the best movie.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Of all time.

[Mo Welch]

Did you.

[Pete Holmes]

I did hit B minus C plus.

[Mo Welch]

It's so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I like that instead of digging it, you're like, it's just a hard impression.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, so. Well, I can't do. I can't do impressions. But they apparently neither. I did his podcast and I was so embarrassed because I forgot my list. I did all my homework, but then we were on the road, forgot my list and I just said uncle Buck, basically for everything. When he asks you, like, what movie would you die with? Yeah, of course. The reboot. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Ever be part of a ritual killing?

[Mo Welch]

That was so good. Yeah. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And something. If you ever make out like that in public again, you'll be part of one.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I'll never forget the guy at the bowling alley getting the toothpick stuck in his mouth when he's like, yeah, it's perfect. So good.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the 80s, if there's one thing, tell me the 80s what didn't carry over, it's flipping toothpicks.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was a big part.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

My dad had a toothpick. Sorry, sorry.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, sorry.

[Mo Welch]

Sorry. Your dad probably didn't have.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, My dad. Sorry.

[Mo Welch]

Your dad probably didn't have a toothpick.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. You get to your dad.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your dad is the guy with the little goatee from Tiger King.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you remember that guy?

[Mo Welch]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That guy is worse.

[Mo Welch]

You mean Joe exotic. Right? That guy.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Mo Welch]

It's a different guy.

[Pete Holmes]

This riff is hotter than like a. Like a basic first year improviser would call your dad Joe exotic.

[Mo Welch]

Right. I'm a professor. You're going.

[Pete Holmes]

Third thought is like late in the season, a weird guy with no hair and white. A white thin goatee and a very. I don't want to say any. All my real feelings would be inappropriate. Yeah, that'd be accurate.

[Mo Welch]

I mean, I don't even remember. I don't remember him ever having a goatee, but that would be the one if he. If he had one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a variety of guy, but.

[Mo Welch]

That takes a really long time. That thin goatee. That's so much manicuring for it to look like that.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Remember when Prince wrote slave on his cheek and facial hair?

[Mo Welch]

No, but I'll look it up.

[Pete Holmes]

Give it a Google image search off.

[Mo Welch]

Because that's a. Yeah, I'll do it on your desktop.

[Pete Holmes]

JK and his pubes. So.

[Mo Welch]

Really? Okay. Well. Okay. I'm extremely gullible, music industry.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, me too. I really am.

[Mo Welch]

Everything you say, I will believe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Your dad is the guy from Tiger King.

[Mo Welch]

He is. I wouldn't be surprised.

[Pete Holmes]

But my dad would. It's actually a fond dad memory is he'd have a toothpick in his mouth because it's the 80s and had put it in his mouth to kiss us goodbye for school.

[Mo Welch]

That's actually. That's sweet. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very sweet.

[Mo Welch]

That's sweet. And we were waiting for trashy. Like little trash. But like in a sweet way.

[Pete Holmes]

But Also in the 80s, what was trashy to us was like, of course I just put the toothpick in my mouth when I kissed my kid.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We also were kissing on the lips.

[Mo Welch]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Deal with it.

[Mo Welch]

Wow. God, you're just bringing out the like. Dad love.

[Pete Holmes]

You set the stage with a sensational. We're gonna edit this out, but a sensational special. We're gonna take this out. Don't worry. But it's so good. It's called dad Jokes Beep special. You can watch it on. It's available. My favorite part.

[Mo Welch]

Anything that's a complime. Just. Just. Yeah, anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Anything that's. Oh, my God.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. But it is sensational. And you got me all. It's going to say lubed up, but I say like wet and ready.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Let me walk that back. Wet and ready. Wet. Slip and slide. Ready to go.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I Tell you that I, growing up, never knew that wet had, like, a connotation that a woman was aroused.

[Mo Welch]

I don't think I knew that for a very long time.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Given your bits.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were in the same.

[Mo Welch]

Right, Right. There was not a lot happening for a while.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know when I figured I may not know that still.

[Mo Welch]

It was not as accessible, especially listen. Especially wet. Because that is like. I mean, when we were growing up, the you you weren't getting into. How do you make a woman feel good? How do you make a. You know, until you're, like, way older and we didn't have the anti.

[Pete Holmes]

Drama was as close as you could get. Meaning it would help you get what you want.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like the gates of Jura park will open.

[Mo Welch]

They didn't say what was on the panties. Not to be gross, but they were like, you know. Yeah. There was nothing about arousal.

[Pete Holmes]

Jovi. Slippery one Wet.

[Mo Welch]

Thank you, Bon Jovi.

[Pete Holmes]

Bon has the face.

[Mo Welch]

Such a feminist.

[Pete Holmes]

If there was a coin of a guy who does oral for ladies. Yeah, It's Bon Jovi. And that's not. That's not shot five.

[Mo Welch]

You gotta put. You gotta remember his hair was so long. You got to put it in a ponytail like you're throwing up.

[Pete Holmes]

And during a big night of drinking his hair back.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I got down on the ladies.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm now worried that Slippery When Wet was Van Halen. Which.

[Mo Welch]

Anyway, my point is they had long hair too, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Okay, the bit stamp. We'll beep that out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the bit. Oh, yeah. We'll cut it back.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, Katie, that's gonna take you, like, three hours just to make that bit work. Jk, you miss nothing. I. We happened to see Katie when she wasn't ready, which I loved. What was I saying? Oh. Although, like, I'd see, like, a video on the top shelf of a video store, and it would be called, like, Playboy, Wet and Wild. This is the first time I thought of this, which is really special for me, having done this show for so long to have a fresh idea, and I'm excited to share it with you. I remember being a kid and being like, they're just, like, in the pool, man. They're, like, slipping around. They're on a slip and slide. They have a hose. Because, like, glistening and wet is kind of sexy. That's all I thought it was.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And maybe that was part of it.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, but we had. What is it called? On Nickelodeon, we had, like, the Wet and Wild the kids or what was that called? Oh, wild and. No, wild Announced later.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I know what you mean.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. There was not a. It wasn't as like. Like, I don't ever remember in high school someone saying wet and us, like laughing at it. No, moist wasn't funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You would have. You'd see on like a 30 rock style. Office style. Maybe not the office, but like Parks and Rec. They'd be like, I'm sliding off my chair. Like that would be like a normal. And in the 80s, we were so wiener centric. Maybe you'd get some boner jokes.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But never a lady. Do you remember? And I. I'm not just. I don't. I. I'm gonna. In fact, I'm gonna reverse it. When I was at the carnival, that's when you'd see, like, framed. You could win a framed photo of like a lady in a bath. Do you remember the first?

[Mo Welch]

Was it a photograph?

[Pete Holmes]

She wasn't naked. I mean, she was naked, but she had like bubbles all over her.

[Mo Welch]

And it was a photograph or a caricature drawing.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a photograph.

[Mo Welch]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think the only thing that mattered to me. It was a five step plan. One, win that poster.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Number one.

[Pete Holmes]

Two, find a new place to live. The last three steps. You know what they are and they're horrible. Like, never talk to my folks again.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. Moving away. Running away.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm curious, as someone who pretended to be straight for so long, do you remember the first. That was my first tingle wingle, you know? Holy. I'm like, I'm excited at the carnival.

[Mo Welch]

You know, it's so. Mine happened so late. Like, I was not so repressed.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't have.

[Mo Welch]

So repressed that I was like. I mean, I'm trying to think. I definitely remember listening to like Selena and like artists like that and being like, why am I like, really feeling this?

[Pete Holmes]

Just because she's a sexy lady or does she sing about.

[Mo Welch]

No, no. It's like her voice was so beautif. But it was like it transcended just. I wasn't just thinking, oh, it's because her voice is so beautiful. I think I was like, there were artists like that. That made me think, huh? Why am I like. Like Meredith Brooks when she's saying I was just like, looking back, I'm like. I think that was more than just me being excited about that song.

[Pete Holmes]

This is me considering that the song is almost Etheridge lesbian style.

[Mo Welch]

It is. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Rough and like. But there was such a lack to me of awareness of that even being like one of the choices, like lesbian ness was still like a beer commercial.

[Mo Welch]

Like, it was. Yeah. And it was like, gross. Like when I was growing up, it was like, oh, your gym teacher who's extremely butch and like, oh, I don't want to be like her. And it was like. It was all so negative.

[Pete Holmes]

It was really.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And it was so. So I was like, well, I'm. But I didn't even think. Like, I had boyfriends in high school, college, and then out of college. Basically when I started stand up is when I started to even, I think, really start to be like a sexual person.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Like, I honestly think I was just nothing until then.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. Well, could you comment on this theory that I have about queer people? And one of the reasons they make such wonderful artists is because they have this repression that's pulling back the bowstring. And once you figure yourself out, which you did, is around the time you started doing stand up.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm wondering if that informs it. There's this like self expression even in your identity that, like, you follow that lead and you go like, I will now express myself on other things, on everything. Yeah, because you've done the. Not to be a leading question, but like, you've done the scary one. So.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know this. I'm going to tell you whatever the fuck I want.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. There is a bit of a. Almost it is like sort of like a mentality once you get out there and then you're just like, yeah, I will. Like Whatever I was afraid to do before that is. Yes, like you said, it is the scariest thing that you already went through.

[Pete Holmes]

You did the scary thing.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would say, by the way, just to make sure I'm not othering the queer community, I would say the same thing about. I'm thinking of somebody I know that went through a divorce. Like, left husband. And that set a momentum of like, I'm not lying to myself. And that's very good for your art.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, that should be. That should be the parade. Should be the queer and divorce parade next. We'll become allies together. Divorce straight people, though.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's just kind of marching very two by two and like to the bead and no flailing. Nothing. Nothing flamboyant.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of like housewives that left their.

[Mo Welch]

All the clothes on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you said all the clothes on. All the clothes on the lesbians. When I think of the gay pride parade and this isn't gonna be. This will be my last question about gayness.

[Mo Welch]

I love it. No I never. I feel like I never get to talk about being gay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go. I just talk about it more like a jukebox that I.

[Mo Welch]

It's usually just me, like, in a vacuum, whatever I'm saying on stage, of course. But no one's asking me questions about it after.

[Pete Holmes]

Love a. Love a gay Q and A. A Q and gay. Yeah, I love a Q and gay. TM that is protected by Mo. Actually, Mo owns it because she said tm. So at the New York City, specifically the Gay Pride Parade, which we've all been inconvenienced by. Like, I'm like, the script says I'm supposed to say we've all enjoyed.

[Mo Welch]

Like, wait, am I supposed to say, okay, yeah, sorry, this is in. The script says that. Then I'm just, like, negative immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually find it incredibly moving. My joke. And I'm sure everyone that turned this on knew I was gonna probably say this is like. As a Christian growing up religious, I had to come out as straight. And I swear, there's a par. I really think there's a parallel. I can't claim the struggle or the journey, but I can at least relate by going, like, imagine being so proud of your sexuality and you repress it so much. It kind of explodes in this, like, equal and opposite reaction, which is the Gay Pride Parade. But what is the lesbian. When you think of it, you're thinking of guys. Right?

[Mo Welch]

The Pride Parade.

[Pete Holmes]

Pride Parade.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I mean, it's. I have. I. I went the last two years in a row, and I usually don't go, but then when I brought my daughter, it was really fun. She. I mean, it's like, really fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

For a kid. And she's at a nation is like the same things.

[Pete Holmes]

Unicorns. I'm not trying to be funny.

[Mo Welch]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Sparkly.

[Mo Welch]

It's exciting. And also, like, bar. The movie Barbie had a float and like. Yeah, ursula. Like, Melissa McCarthy's there and like, they're like the movies. Because I think that was like, the Ursula time when she was playing Ursula or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

And so there's a lot of, like, movies that come into. And you get a lot of merch. Like kids love. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I. The good though. I mean, there are.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to acknowledge yours as well, because it was delightful. I was too obsessed with Com. I also like that one, which is a flash.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And I'm surprised there is. I'm sure there is some sort of con.

[Pete Holmes]

Adult Con.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, adult con. There is an adult that Seems scary for me. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, your brother's a furry.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, my brother's a Furry. And they're not. They're weirdly not in the pride parade. That seems fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he our furries? Dry humping anything?

[Mo Welch]

They're. They're very queer.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, very queer.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. Yeah, this is me. See?

[Mo Welch]

Yes. This is like, listen, I didn't know anything. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me everything.

[Mo Welch]

You know, what I've learned is this.

[Pete Holmes]

Is YouTube most recently.

[Mo Welch]

What I've learned.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, welcome to most replay.

[Mo Welch]

What I've learned. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

About the furry community.

[Mo Welch]

I've learned so much. And by the way, my mom, so sweet. She lives in Chicago. She's. She'll make us anything. So if my daughter is like, you know, I want to be Dorothy for Halloween. We'll make the dress. Very good. Great seamstress. She has been making things for my brother's furry friends. Like, she's been making, like, a little vest or a backpack that's, like, big enough to go over the furry. And there is a part of me that's like, mom, I think it's gone too far. But. But she's very. She's that supportive.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Mo Welch]

She's that supportive of her children.

[Pete Holmes]

Mom doesn't sound like a woman who chain smoked for, like 11 years.

[Mo Welch]

And that's 25 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Respect.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, when you were like, I'm going to spend with my mom, I thought she was going to be like, well, Mo.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's wonderful to see you. Like, she's scared. She sounds like she's been running marathons. Like, good for her.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. She has been. She got. Yeah. My 16th birthday, she told me I'm not going to smoke anymore because I bullied her so much as a child because I was like, I'm supposed to play basketball after inhaling your second hand smoke all day long.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Mo Welch]

Eventually, the bullying paid off. She quit cold turkey. That was my present. And she never went back.

[Pete Holmes]

Respect.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Anyways, now she's making clothes for furries.

[Pete Holmes]

She should still get scanned. I hate to be that guy.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you smoke for that long now, you bully about getting scanned every three years. I think it is.

[Mo Welch]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's nothing crazy.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This got real serious real fast.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I'm like, wait, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

I was just talking to her on the phone on the way over here.

[Pete Holmes]

Put her on the phone.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Mom. Mom. Mary.

[Pete Holmes]

This was also the 80s.

[Mo Welch]

She'll be there forever. Yeah. Hey, come here, kid.

[Pete Holmes]

Imagine someone doing this now.

[Mo Welch]

God.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the 80s. I'm flipping a pick.

[Mo Welch]

But also that still happens.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, gesturing with.

[Mo Welch]

This happens. Like, you know, you can be anywhere in a city. This still happens to. To women, like, hey, come here. And they want to say something. Whatever it is. I don't care if it's nice or something. I was like, I don't want it. I don't. I know. I don't need whatever you're about to give me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Even if it's like, hey, you have a good day. I'm like, I don't want that. I don't need that.

[Pete Holmes]

Or I'm psychic. And money you're looking for is actually in the last place you looked. It was just underneath some leaves.

[Mo Welch]

You're like, okay, well, wow. Guess I'm going back to the Midwest.

[Pete Holmes]

He's flipping a peck. He's like, yeah, you don't even need to thank me. It's a gift. It's a calling. Where were we? Your mom, cigarettes, your furries. So she'll make a vest that goes over the furry costume.

[Mo Welch]

Right. She's. And I'm like, that is so supportive of your.

[Pete Holmes]

Are they jizz repellent?

[Mo Welch]

I hope. Mary. Are they jizz repellent?

[Pete Holmes]

She's spraying it with that stuff.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, she's. Oh, yeah, there's stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll get jizz off a furry vest because. Okay, now I'm going to stop riffing because these are human beings and they have. We're.

[Mo Welch]

I mean, they're human inside animals.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And if we're not there yet, we're going to be by the time our kids are grown up. This will. These clips will be played that this is how backwards we were. That we didn't even.

[Mo Welch]

They're like. They didn't even talk about furry. Oh, my God. There was no furry parade even. It was before the furry parade.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you imagine?

[Mo Welch]

Which hopefully is in the winter, because those things can get hot.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna pass out.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then everyone's gonna. That's a weird joke. But I didn't say anything.

[Mo Welch]

Didn't say anything is the thing. I can't. I would love. Because you're so tall that, I mean, I imagine getting a costume. So my brother's costume, it was at least $5,000, and so he saved up for it for. I mean, he was in a community. It's sort of like. I don't know if it's like Pokemon or, like, you know how, like, there's an app so you have an avatar. And so he has had his avatar Knowing that he's like a dragon for a decade and then no costume. But no costume because it costs $5,000.

[Pete Holmes]

So he's just a. A pre. Costume Furry.

[Mo Welch]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what meetups.

[Mo Welch]

No, they still do meetups and stuff. And there are people that don't have costumes. There are people that only have a head.

[Pete Holmes]

I need.

[Mo Welch]

And I'll.

[Pete Holmes]

I need 20 minutes.

[Mo Welch]

I could also really try to just say this with a straight face and like, I'm extremely serious and have no questions.

[Pete Holmes]

Some only have a head.

[Mo Welch]

Some only have a head.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what was the last part of that? Said, sorry.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, some only have a head.

[Pete Holmes]

You could do it like a cop on the news. Some of the furries, because the costumes are cost prohibitive. Only have a head.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And these are known as headies. These are known as headies. Some only have feet. Like big bear slippers. Those are affordable.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, my God. I had those.

[Pete Holmes]

Who did? Everyone.

[Mo Welch]

And so. So you can actually where. I asked my brother once, because it's not all sexual. A lot of it is just people that don't feel like they're in their skin. You know what I mean? They don't feel comfortable in their skin, and so they have a costume.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, yeah, I'm dead. Because they have a costume to feel more comfortable. I went to see Sleeping at Last in New York, which I didn't like so Good. Nice. Try clipping this. Eat fucking shit. Do something.

[Mo Welch]

Is that a musical?

[Pete Holmes]

Sleeping. No, it is good. I just didn't have a great time. I think it really depends on.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, you should still put the ticket link at the bottom of this.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a link. Slash weird to add 10% to your checkout. But it's a show where you go and you wear a mask. The reason I didn't enjoy it was because my hopes were as high as they could. If you saw what I thought it was gonna be, you would have pulled me aside and been like, you're gonna be disappointed. I thought it was gonna be like a roaring fire and a play where people are like, welcome, everyone. I trust. We've all had our fun. You know what I mean? And I'd get pulled into a bookcase and there'd be a woman being like, when the clock strikes 11. Like, I thought it was gonna be that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was just a big old space where you walk around and some people are dancing, like, choreographed dance. And there's a strobe light and some boobs and some blood. But I was like. But what I did, like, was wearing a mask and walking around and being very like, I'm nothing. I'm nobody. I'm just awareness. Not trying to be spiritual. I just mean, like, I am just an aware thing.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And it wasn't about celebrity. It was about just, like, being like, no one knows if I'm smiling or. And I bet, like, no joke. I bet a furry costume would be a nice break from. I bet there's a lot of autistic kind of.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. That. It's like, there are a lot of autistic people, and there are a lot of people who are trans and haven't made a transition yet, but are dipping their toe in a way. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a practice, and it's like a nice holding space until you decide what you want to do.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because your body's a big project. I'm not trying to be funny. It's a big undertaking.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And putting on a costume would be a nice little way to be like, all right.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It's kind of testing it out, which I appreciated. I was like, I mean, it is an expensive way to test it out. But I'm like, I. This. This really is such a stupid comparison. But sometimes in comedy, I will dress up like Larry Bird, and I will be Larry Bird for the whole show. And I used to do it a lot more. But it is. It's weirdly freeing because I'm like, there's no way. He can't be. Like, there's no way I. I am gonna bomb as Larry Bird. I don't know if that. And it's just.

[Pete Holmes]

You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend. That is. Do you put on a little mustache?

[Mo Welch]

Yes, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

And the. The jersey.

[Mo Welch]

I have a jersey. Shorts from Indiana? No.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, he's from French Lick because he's tall, blonde, awkward guy. So I did it, like, starting at, like, you know, Old Town Pub in Chicago and, like, you know, way way back, like, during, like, open mic days. And I was like, I'm just gonna dress up like him and do a Q A. And then I would just, like, watch his documentary a bunch and, like, learn everything I could about him so that I was never stumped when people would ask me questions. And that was me as a furry.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. For some reason, I guess because I've worked so hard to be Pete Holmes. Halloween makes no sense to me. But what you've said, like, why would I want to.

[Mo Welch]

I feel the same way. I don't dress up for Halloween.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like our whole life Is Halloween. I'm in costume every day.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, we have lugged around enough costumes.

[Pete Holmes]

But the idea of being Larry Bird on stage is brilliant. I also find it very you and also very, very funny. But, like, you're. Who cares? I'm not having too many pop ups. What I'm saying is the fact that you didn't do bits, that people were like, larry, what was the hardest thing about perfecting your three pointer? And you tried to answer. For real.

[Mo Welch]

For real. And it made it funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Really funny.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And also I made it like, I know that he's like, yeah, he was, like, so good at trash talking.

[Pete Holmes]

He was.

[Mo Welch]

But, yeah, he was such a good trash talker. But he's also like a. A Christian guy who's got his wife and his kids. And, like, I know about his history, but I also know, like, the rule. The only rule I have for myself is that he's not like, my brain is gonna go like, oh, I'm gonna tell this, like, vulgar joke, you know, on stage. He's not vulgar at all. He's so Christian on stage to the point where it's just so funny for. For him to be like, now don't go and say that.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's just like, no, don't go and say.

[Mo Welch]

Another comic says something is like, oh, no, that. That's not right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if we need to drag this into that area, but I saw. I'm gonna hit you with one.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Larry Bird. That. I know. I had a weird obsession. Not obsession, but. Of all the basketball players other than Michael Jordan, Larry Bird was definitely my number one. And I remember there was this moment, I guess the Celtics had just won a championship, probably saw it in a reel, and they went up to Larry and they go, larry, you just. This is a weird question, but it was. It was definitely something like this. It was like, are you gonna give any money? You just got this bonus for winning the championship. Kind of showbiz of them to know that you just got a bonus, which this is me also considering for the first time that, like, they get a bonus.

[Mo Welch]

They get bonus, and that's why they want to win. Even in the season, they will. And also when they have sponsorships, like with Nike and stuff, I've heard that there is this thing where there's like a Performance bonuses.

[Pete Holmes]

If you do really well, basically, yeah.

[Mo Welch]

You get like 25 points a game, then your deal with Nike will be better. Or you're like, bonuses. You get.

[Pete Holmes]

So they're backstage being like, I got that Bonus.

[Mo Welch]

Exactly. Yeah. So it is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's interesting.

[Mo Welch]

They have to give you some incentive.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally. Other than just sportsmanship, I was kind of naive. I was kind of like, your mom was very sweet. Meaning I just watched your special, and she's very innocent. And I was just like, they just want to win because they want to be winners. Yeah, I'm sure that's part of it. So anyway, they said, are you gonna give money to any charities? And Larry Bird, who I really bought into his white bread and American cheese kind of look like that. He's a sweet, good guy. And I'm not saying he's not. They said any charities, and he went. The Larry Bird Fund. He said that with a dead face. The Larry Bird Fund. And I was in such disbelief that I thought there must be a charity called the Larry Bird Fund for, like, sick kids or something. And no, he was saying, I'm keeping the funny.

[Mo Welch]

That is so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm keeping it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, because he. He was. I mean, he continues to be funny, but he. Yeah, he is a funny guy. And he did trash talk so much on the court, and everyone who played with him was like, yeah, he was like the worst trash. I mean, worst as in the best trash talker.

[Pete Holmes]

But if. If NBA players are saying that, that means he's not going like, what do you got? What do you got? That's. That's nothing, right?

[Mo Welch]

He's going right.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard your family's having financial struggles.

[Mo Welch]

Which you should Listen. I always feel like in rec basketball when I'm playing, it can't be hack. I'm like, if you're gonna trash talk, it has to be original.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, knees.

[Mo Welch]

Look, there was one where he's like. He's like, I'm gonna play with my left hand today. He's not dominant left. He's. He's right.

[Pete Holmes]

So he Princess bride it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. He's just gonna be like, yeah, I'm gonna do this, and then embarrass him in that way. And I'm like, that's amazing. That person will never forget that.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what he would do.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He'd say, I'm gonna play with my left.

[Mo Welch]

He did that with one game. I don't remember what it was, but he. There's a lot of, like. There's some great Larry Bird reels.

[Pete Holmes]

Imagine being so good at something. God, I. Look, I've worked really. I've done stand up. Wow, that's miles. I've done stand up for over 20 years, and I would never before that, my set go up to you and be like, you're about to watch a riot. I would never say that. Even if it was, like, every fan I've ever had, I'd still be like, I don't know, man. I'm not so sure. I would never be like, you're about to go home crying.

[Mo Welch]

But I don't know how this is gonna go. Well, you know what? Because I used to be Anthony Jeslenik's opener, and so his opener, Mo Welch on the road. Yeah. And he would tried. I would come, like, I would do my set, and then his line was always like, you know, I'd bring him out and then he'd be like. He thought, give it up for Mo Welch. He thought that was good. Watch this. And so that was his line every time. And it killed because it was like, everyone's like, yeah. Giving the kudos. But then they're like. They're like, yeah, but he is right. He's about to murder the room. And it was his show.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that is a very. I think that's a very funny joke. For what it's worth. My version of that. Matt McCarthy and I tour together. I'll say, keep it going for Matt McCarthy. If there's a door, I'll open it so they can hear. So you can hear it.

[Mo Welch]

It's a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause he's still right there. And then I'll go almost every time. I go, all right.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, my joke is like, you're hurting my feelings that you like him too much. But it's a similar kind of like, this is supposed to be for me. We're both naming the reality that it's like.

[Mo Welch]

And it is funny. Yeah. I always loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

Saying the thing you're not supposed to.

[Mo Welch]

But I can't imagine going up to, like, on a real show, like, say, just some set on UCB and just being like, hey, like, you're never going to be able to follow that.

[Pete Holmes]

I. For some reason, I don't want to out the comedian. I heard stories at the seller. Sometimes very cocky comedians would say, as they're bringing the next guy up, follow that. Right, I've heard that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, what? Weren't you bullied? And that's why you're doing this. I swear, some Christian Finnegan, I've quoted him a million times, was like, and I'm not gonna say it exactly how we said it, but he was like, some comedians were the bullied, and some were the bullies.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Some were just very funny. Bullies.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not saying they were dyed in the wool bullies.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's a split. And I'm definitely not the one that wants to be like, suck muff.

[Mo Welch]

Watch that.

[Pete Holmes]

Watch this. Yeah. Because then what? What if you bomb? You could. Yeah, you could. But that's after you're set. Anyway, my favorite trash talk story is Neil diamond is doing some festival and they. For whatever. I actually like Neil Diamond. So it's kind of easy to. On Neil Diamond. His name is Neil Diamond. But Neil diamond closes and he's really feeling it. And Bob Dylan is next. And he goes to the side stage. And I think he said, I want to get him just right. He goes to Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan. Neil diamond. High from the stage, high from the affirmation goes, good luck. Following that. And Bob Dylan goes. I could go out and fall asleep and follow that. Something like that. Like, I could. All I'd have to do is go out and fall asleep. It'd be easy for me to follow that with a cat. Do you want to hear a bit? Sorry.

[Mo Welch]

That better be in the new Bob Joan Mood. Timothee Chalamet doing that exact.

[Pete Holmes]

I could go out and fall asleep.

[Mo Welch]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Isn't it weird that we don't want Chalamet to do too hard of a Dylan? Because we love Chalamet.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just be him. So I. The bit I was gonna run by you and then we're gonna go by back to furries for sure. It's never worked, Mo. It's never worked. This is my impression of Bob Dylan the first time he tried to sing. And I got my guitar. It's in tune. All right. Got my lyrics. These are good lyrics. Let's give this a whirl A. It's the only time it's even come close to working. I'm so glad you laughed.

[Mo Welch]

Well, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where that joke lives in.

[Mo Welch]

Well, I feel like it's such a comics joke. It's like a comics experience to go out there. Like, do I do that all the time where I'm just like. Don't improvise. Just go out and tell your first joke. Don't say anything. And then immediately out there, first joke comes in five minutes later and I'm like. And completely just like this going down.

[Pete Holmes]

It is a joke from a performance perspective. Because I think. Thank you. You see me. I feel so seen. I feel so healed by this. I really do. Because I thought people probably think it's a joke about Bob Dylan as a Silly voice. And it's 30 that. It's 70%. Performers are just doing their best, and.

[Mo Welch]

We see it completely different. It comes out, you're like, that's not what I meant to do.

[Pete Holmes]

How does it feel? God damn it.

[Mo Welch]

Because, you know, when the car is like, how does it. You know, it's like, if it's like.

[Pete Holmes]

So good in the shower.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To be on your own.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

A complete unknown.

[Mo Welch]

I swear, it was so good in the shower.

[Pete Holmes]

In his mind.

[Mo Welch]

God damn it.

[Pete Holmes]

Then someone comes up and was like, you saved my life.

[Mo Welch]

He's like, oh, all right.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Your brother is not all sexual.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. Not all sexual with my brother, but somewhat sexual.

[Pete Holmes]

What percentage do you think the furry community is down to? It's dry humping or did.

[Mo Welch]

I mean, I feel like what happens is they have their cons, their furry cons, and they're at, like, Hilton Lax. Hilton sort of hotels. And then there are after parties, and some people are going there and others really are not. Like, they are there for, like, might be costume proud. Like, there are different. You know, if you're a wolf, it says something about. I know that, like, foxes are supposed to be slutty. I know this.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

And so I think the fox.

[Pete Holmes]

My phone ordering.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Huh?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Okay. What. And is it any color fox or. Because I'm just seeing, like, blue.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there's blue. Does that mean extra horny?

[Mo Welch]

Does that mean. What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's not in my size, but if it means extra horny, I'll take the tight.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, My. Well, my brother was. Because I said, basically, when you get these costumes made, they are made like the ones that you see and kind of look like a mascot. And you can pay extra, but you have to send it somewhere else to get a sph. Which is a suspiciously placed hole, even though we know where the hole is going to be.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not an ear hole.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

This will help you here.

[Mo Welch]

It's not here. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mo Welch]

And. And he doesn't have. He doesn't have one. And I was like, well, okay, say somebody doesn't have a hole. Because he's like, a lot of the companies won't do the hole. And sorry. Seems easy enough to just do it just right.

[Pete Holmes]

Capitalism. Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, sorry, I've been wanting to.

[Mo Welch]

Send this out to Canada. No, no. US Factory sewing holes.

[Pete Holmes]

If they were on Shark Tank, they would say, you're isolating a whole market. Yeah, just charge. Never say no. Just charge too much. Yeah, you say, yeah, we'll put a hole in. It's $70. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[Mo Welch]

It's a p hole.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, Katie, why, when you get a Beyond burger, is it $3 more? Can anyone help us? Do you eat meat?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, I actually, Yeah, I saw a menu the other day and it was. It was more expensive to get the vegetarian version. What is that? Because.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, oat milk is an upcharge as well. I'm sorry, was this oat. Was this bag of oats grazing?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, it's because most.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you have to keep this bag of oats alive.

[Mo Welch]

Most of the vegans I know are rich.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you've just made it a bit. I struggle with making things bits. I'm like, oh, wow, maybe I can make this a bit. And it's like you just tapped into it. They know that veganism. And I'll concede this as a pretty, not always perfect vegan, but like, there is a privilege to it. It's like, yeah, I go to Whole Foods.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, of course. Because, I mean, I mean, I've been poor and you're going to McDonald's and you're getting, you know. Yeah, getting the 12 piece chicken nugget.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicken nuggets.

[Mo Welch]

Filet, I think is disgusting. I had my first filet o fish on the road last year. I go, I'm finally going to try it.

[Pete Holmes]

The Tardis.

[Mo Welch]

Hated it.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Mo Welch]

I don't know. I thought it was disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, it is disgusting.

[Mo Welch]

And I'm just, you know, I'm in a hotel in like Tacoma too, which is disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Rough.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, Rough scene. Rough scene there.

[Pete Holmes]

Rough seas.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a.

[Mo Welch]

What kind of fish is that? Just a square, square fish. But they put cheese on it. They put American cheese and tartar sauce.

[Pete Holmes]

It's double, dude.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, but to put cheese on a. On fish, I don't. That's gross. Right? Oh, when else? What else?

[Pete Holmes]

Like in Parliament when they do the standing ovations, of course. Everyone's on their feet with the weird wigs. We're going nuts.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, I'm not giving you. I left you hanging.

[Mo Welch]

Well, no, for a second I'm like, am I crazy?

[Pete Holmes]

Roasted American cheese on fried fish is the fucking most insane thing. No one's talking.

[Mo Welch]

I know about the cheese. And then I got. I was like, I can't. Here's the thing, it did make it better because it's gross anyway. But yeah, yeah, disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

They know what it is. Yeah, yeah. There's some sex comparison, but I can't do it. You know what I mean?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, you might.

[Pete Holmes]

As if you're gonna do that, you might as well do it under the bleachers, you know? I mean, that's the cheese.

[Mo Welch]

That's the cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

The cheeses.

[Mo Welch]

Cheese is the bleachers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The motel's door doesn't lock. But look what you're doing, right? You're eating a filet of fish, honey.

[Mo Welch]

So bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot riffs. So he doesn't have the hole.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, yes. Okay, so my brother doesn't have the hole, but he said a lot of people will just take off the bottom of the costume and just wear the head if they want to, like, you know, maybe get down at these parties or I guess at home.

[Pete Holmes]

And then if you want to do oral, now the head's off. Now you're just two people fucking with, like, two dead furries watching in the.

[Mo Welch]

Corner at some point. Yeah. Some of the heads are just on the bed.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way. Sorry, just a specific. Your bit about scissoring and the comparison to 69 was a big laugh.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Random data. Val and I both.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny because that was so hard. Maybe the first time I ever said it on stage.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm shocked.

[Mo Welch]

No, and I. Because I was like, oh, yeah, maybe that'll be funny. And then I did it dead.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm actually a little upset because, well, me.

[Mo Welch]

That rarely happens.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, no, no. Not really. Like, comedy upset. That, like, it's such a great line.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It should have been every show.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to say it.

[Mo Welch]

Maybe I'll bring it back.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll bring it just so people know what we're talking about.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, like. Oh, when people say that. Lesbian scissor. It's sort of like. It's a. It's like when straight people. We do it just as much as straight people. 69, full of drugs.

[Pete Holmes]

And in the beginning of the relationship.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, either. Yeah, full of drugs or in the first week of being in a relationship. Because it's so true. Because you have to try it. I don't know. Yeah, you have to.

[Pete Holmes]

If this is weird, I'm like, not to overshare. I'm trying to think. Yeah, that's not a big move. It's. It's a. It's a bold move.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's 69. I have to imagine scissoring is also.

[Mo Welch]

Well, it's the same thing where you're like, wait, is this a thing? You know, and you go, well, I think it's a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Mo Welch]

People say. I mean, obviously, when you're with somebody for the first time. Even with my, like, high school boyfriend and stuff, I'm sure that we did it because we're like, well, this is what you do. You like, right? This is. This is like. This is stealing third base, going to home. You know, this is, like, not quite sex.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my.

[Mo Welch]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

You're, like, in the middle in a pickle.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, a 69 is so much more intimate than sex.

[Mo Welch]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a thou. I'm gonna say, 1,000 times more intimate.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Than sex.

[Mo Welch]

You can't really unsee what's happening.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Sex is like a business meeting. It's like suits, and it's a business lunch. There's a white tablecloth, and everyone's got like, hello.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

69Ing is like your ass up in a bumper car, drunk, crashing into goats. That's what 69 is, really?

[Mo Welch]

Because you can't. You can't turn off because something's happening to you.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Mo Welch]

So you have to sort of try to get in the mood for yourself, and at the same time, you're working.

[Pete Holmes]

Nope.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're juggling while riding a unicycle. Yeah, it's. We had a joke about 69ing in the pilot of Crashing. I'm trying to remember. It's like, I don't like. It was in the area of I don't like to do things two things at once.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't want to take a shower while I eat Chinese food or whatever.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Very standard. Very standard. This episode is brought to us by our friends at the Perfect Gene. You guys know I love the perfect jean. They are the most comfortable, best looking, best fitting, best made, most stylish, most comfortable. I'm gonna say comfortable twice. Pair of pants I've owned in my life since I discovered the perfect gene. That's exactly what they are. They are perfect. They are the unicorn of pants. And I have them in every cut, every color for premieres, for fancy nights out, and for just lounging around the house. They are amazing. And they have spared over 700, 000 pairs of nuts, meaning nuts are no longer crushed because no more stiff, unforgiving denim. They fit like they're custom made. They stretch like you wouldn't believe. They are. They have seriously massive ranges of styles, with six fits from skinny to thick, thick waist sizes from 26 to 50, and lengths from 26 to 38. So it doesn't matter if you're a short king, a thick daddy, or something in between. You can find the perfect fit for the body you are rocking. And for a limited time, our listeners get 15% off with our special code at ThePerfectGene NYC. And the code is. What is the code? The code is baby buns15 because they are as soft as a pair of baby's buns and you get 15% off. So go to ThePerfectGene NYC and get 15% off with promo code BABYBUNS15. The perfect gene doesn't stop there though. They revolutionize T shirts as well. The past two specials I've taped, I'm wearing a perfect jean T shirt because they feel fantastic, they look fantastic and they fit just right. They have just enough stretch to hide that beer belly while accentuating your arms and chest for the flawless look. Soft as butter without shrinking in the wash like all your other teas. It is just perfect. So it's finally time to start. Stop scrub. Stop crushing your nuts. Sorry, that's hard to say in uncomfortable jeans. By going to the perfect gene NYC, our listeners get 15 off your first order plus free shipping, free returns and free exchanges. When you use code Baby Buns15, that's 15 off new customers at the Perfect Gene NYC with code Baby Buns15. After you purchase, tell them we sent you. Support your nuts, support the show, tell them we sent you. Fuck khakis and get the perfect gene. We are also, we are also very much brought to you by Living Libations. You guys know we are a Living Libations household. Living Libations makes the most high end, beautiful, natural, real ingredient. Health care, skin care. Not healthcare, but skin care. Eyes, teeth, nails, whatever you got in your medicine cabinet. Living Libations has a premium, effective, badass, high end and natural alternative which has ingredients that you will recognize that are safe for your body. The things we put on our skin obviously end up in our bodies by absorption and they are so toxic. If you're Getting stuff at 7:11 that's blue goo and putting it all over you, it is not natural. I want to eat food and drink things that I recognize the ingredients and I want my skincare to be the same. It is incredibly effective. I love their exfoliant scrub which is the most effective exfoliant I've ever found. In the summertime we use their zinc based sunblock called Love the sun and I actually have been swimming a lot, just got out of the pool and put on their best skin ever skin moisturizer Gift alert. This is a wonderful gift option for someone that's hard to shop for or do what Val and I did. Do a complete overhaul of your medicine cabinet and your health and beauty products, or do it slowly, one by one. This is a great way to support the show. Get something small, get something big, but support your body. Look good, feel good, and know that you're putting something natural on your teeth, on your eyes, on your babies, on your face, on your skin. Living Libations has a wonderful product to replace the random chemical nightmare you pick up at the pharmacy. So get 15 off by go to living libations.com weird. That's living libations.com weird. And your sister is a stripper?

[Mo Welch]

Well, she's actually that. My sister is a. She does, like, pole dancing. Like, fitness pole.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

But she would bring her. So she has a portable pole, and she came to visit. She came to babysit nanny our daughter in the pandemic.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. And she brought the.

[Mo Welch]

From Chicago. Yeah. So she drives across country with my mom and my sister, and she puts the pole. You can be taken down. Puts the pole in there as well. Drives it across the country to Los Angeles. What am I gonna set up in our front yard?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's like Napoleon Dynamite. It's like one of those, like, with the ball on the string. What is that called?

[Mo Welch]

Oh, the tetherball.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a tetherball pole.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a repurposed tetherball pole.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Does it connect to the ceiling?

[Mo Welch]

That would have been a good idea. No, it's got the base. The base is really heavy. So you set up the base. Maybe it's like, in four parts. And then the pole goes up from there. So. So imagine that this is like 50 pounds or whatever, the base. So it doesn't, like, tip over filled with water. Yeah. It should be like a basketball hoop in your driveway.

[Pete Holmes]

Larry Bird.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, Larry Bird put some sandbags on that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So she got upgraded for comedy. The comedy court.

[Mo Welch]

She got what it's Worth.

[Pete Holmes]

Approves.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Thank you. I was worried. I was waiting. I was waiting for the New Yorker article to come out on that. Well, hold on a second.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold on.

[Mo Welch]

She works at DePaul, so.

[Pete Holmes]

Funny. I'm trying to think of a micro lie that I tell on stage, because there are some where it's just. I'm a big believer it has to be micro. That's a micro lie. And it's for the greater good, not just your convenience. It's just, like, thematically and sort of it's still true in a sense. I don't know.

[Mo Welch]

And also, you can Boil it down to, I mean like my, my sister did she. When she was out in la, she was doing a few events that were like, it wasn't fitness poll. She was like at an opening of or whatever and people are throwing cash and it is like, yeah, it's still performing. It's not in a strip club. But I'm like, I can't explain all of that before this joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. That's exactly what I mean.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saving. It's like when somebody goes, do you really want to know? Like when you're talking to someone and you're like, wait, you cobbled shoes. What was that?

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you really want to know?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you. I don't at all.

[Mo Welch]

I love. That's a really. I mean, it's a good lesson in comedy to save the audience from all of that boring shit.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what comedy is.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone who went, I've had this conversation, this one sided conversation so many times that I've actually steam cleaned those moments out for your pleasure.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it sucks.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you tour a lot, I wonder. I. Sometimes my tolerance to listen to someone tell a bad story goes out. Or even listening to someone else's special. Sometimes I'll just be like too much in my own Terminator mode where I'm like, why did you. I'll do it with Facebook posts.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone was like, I. I just found out that I really helped this one friend. I actually helped two friends. I'm sorry, in the middle of the post, you realized it was two friends.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Delete.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Delete. I helped two friends. Delete.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's. That's my comedy brain.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just work brain. So the other thing that. Am I cutting you off?

[Mo Welch]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Your mom saved you from a tornado. These are the things that stood out in the special that I want more dates.

[Mo Welch]

Well, what's interesting. Okay. So we lived in the country and you saw in the special where when I was sitting, sitting down in that field or whatever, they knocked down my house and. Yeah. So many animals.

[Pete Holmes]

One bathroom.

[Mo Welch]

One bathroom. An outhouse.

[Pete Holmes]

People.

[Mo Welch]

There were seven people.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven people.

[Mo Welch]

And all those cats and the dogs and all the pets. So many pets. Bunny, bunny, hamster, parakeet.

[Pete Holmes]

People that struggle with space.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not being classist often compound the issue with pets.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I have a joke about. This is in my new hours. How many pets. Poor people love pets. They love pets. Little pets. Poor people love little pets.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

And I said it.

[Pete Holmes]

Poor people love Little pets.

[Mo Welch]

I stand by that.

[Pete Holmes]

And they. I'm. Yes. Anding. I'm now covered in. Yes.

[Mo Welch]

And great.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm clean. But, like, picking up little turds. They love it.

[Mo Welch]

Guinea pigs. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I.

[Mo Welch]

Wood chips skating on the.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Mo Welch]

Wood chips on the clothes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was working for the longest time. I don't think I'll ever do it. I was like. The very, very rich and the very, very poor have a lot in common. The funniest one is they both have a lot of kids.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Rich people are like. And this is maximum number nine. I'm talking about very rich.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, very poor. They also have more than one car. Like, very poor people always have, like, seven cars.

[Mo Welch]

You're so. It's so. Right. It's just the placement of the car.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Does it run, everyone?

[Mo Welch]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there grass going through it?

[Mo Welch]

The rich have the cars that are covered. They're in a covered garage.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they're in a marble garage.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a showroom. And the poor, they're just in the yard. And, like, one of them doesn't run. You have to push it to get the other one out. They're not sure of that. It's the same junkyard. Yeah, but people are people is what I'm saying.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We want the same stuff. And. And both of these groups are kind of going. And in the middle, the other one is access to nature. Because where you grew up, a lot of nature.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

The middle has a hard time getting nature.

[Mo Welch]

That's so true.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're in the middle, you're kind of, you know, you're fucking grinding.

[Mo Welch]

I feel like you should bring this back.

[Pete Holmes]

You think so?

[Mo Welch]

So relatable.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like you get it because of how you grew up. I feel like. I mean, I feel like you could have this. Because when I do, it doesn't it just feel like a guy being like something. I've noticed growing up pretty comfortable. Yeah. But nature. And then you were saying.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, yeah. So my. So we lived in this little. We lived outside of a town. The town has 350 people in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Pardon?

[Mo Welch]

The town.

[Pete Holmes]

Pardon.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no business good percentage of this town.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. And I guess we were in town limits, but we were a mile outside of that town.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

So we're really, you know, in the country.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

And there was a tornado is really scary in Illinois. Sometimes I forget about it because I'm out here and it's like, you can't really. It's not like the sirens Are going off and, oh, an earthquake might be coming. It's like the anticipation of a tornado is terrifying.

[Pete Holmes]

Was real.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How much heads up do you get? How much heads up does a tornado. Is a tornado like pirates? Does it fly a flag and say, we'll be here in 45 minutes, or does it just happen? I know nothing about NATO, so what.

[Mo Welch]

You do is you see the clouds kind of like, are funneling, you know, you see this? It's really pretty.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna raise my hand because I don't like it.

[Mo Welch]

It goes like this.

[Pete Holmes]

So they start to scalactite.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It kind of looks like a bat cave. You know, it's. And you're going like that. Is that one gonna cut? I mean, this is me as a child, so I'm that one gon come off.

[Pete Holmes]

Come off is the lingo.

[Mo Welch]

No, that's not the lingo.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to know, though.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. But I did just watch Twisters and the. And then the weather gets really scary. It gets super dark. So it could be like 3pm super dark. It's hot. All of a sudden, it's cold. It's hailing. Okay. This is what's happening before a tornado. Then the alarm goes off and interjection.

[Pete Holmes]

You're. You're killing me right now. I'm like. My hands are sweaty and I don't like it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did they capture this in Twisters?

[Mo Welch]

I think so. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They did an okay job.

[Mo Welch]

And in Twister, which I loved.

[Pete Holmes]

The prequel.

[Mo Welch]

The prequel. The prequel.

[Pete Holmes]

Prequel to Twister.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They should make that Twister.

[Mo Welch]

Also. Twister. More than one tornado in that movie. I think that's what they were realized the mistake was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that was the fatal flaw in that movie. That made like $700 million. Didn't it do really well?

[Mo Welch]

I mean, speaking of, like, childhood, like, Helen Hunt in that movie for me was like, I don't know if I attracted to her or.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she did.

[Mo Welch]

I'm like, am I a lesbian or is she. Do I just want to wear that white tank top?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say something. Let's play a game.

[Mo Welch]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say something about Helen Hunt, and you see if you agree. I guess you could just say it's called a conversation, but for some reason, it feels worthy. Yeah, it's a Doug As. It's a gay game game show. First of all, people that love. Hell, I find Helen Hunt to be lovely. Are my kind of people.

[Mo Welch]

Okay, great. I just love great, like, people who know her personally.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Just.

[Mo Welch]

Just Love her. Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

Physically, just go like.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Helen Hunt.

[Mo Welch]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree with Helen Hunt. I love it. But it's a type. It's like, there's. It says something about you. If you. And I'm not. This isn't code for she's not attractive. She's attractive. But if you're like, I like that. I understand a lot more than just you like. And then the other thing I was gonna say is she's kind of like. She's sort of a handsome woman. I don't know how else to say it. Yeah, she's beautiful, but there's a quality that's like a painting.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A little bit like the woman with the pearl necklace.

[Mo Welch]

She looks like Lili Sobieski as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Sobieski. Yeah. This is what I mean. It's a type. Helen Hunt is such a type that once we got Sobiesque to. We were like, there's another one.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why it says a lot about you. If you're like. I. With that.

[Mo Welch]

Right. I get what you're saying. I think that there is a. Like, I don't. In my little town, if a woman that beautiful was in the town, it would be town news.

[Pete Holmes]

But I really.

[Mo Welch]

She's a relatable factor.

[Pete Holmes]

Relatable. Well, as good as it gets when she's in Queens. Just wait.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tables. I buy it.

[Mo Welch]

Mad about you. She's funny. She's a wife. She's cracking jokes as a wife.

[Pete Holmes]

Mad about you. Are you nuts? I'm just excited. Yes.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yes. But relatable. But you're so right. But, you know, once you put Halle Berry and Monster's Ball, I'm like, get the out of here. You know what I mean?

[Mo Welch]

There's two.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's never been my cup of tea. This is what it says about you.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If you like an interesting face. Which I do.

[Mo Welch]

Wait, okay. Maybe I can. So NSync, Backstreet Boys.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mo Welch]

Obviously huge when I'm during this tornado phase. Same. Same era, right? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The lower tornadoes.

[Mo Welch]

The lower tornadoes coming down to get us.

[Pete Holmes]

Gets dark. Suddenly it's hailing.

[Mo Welch]

It's hailing. And. And, you know, right before my last breath, before the tornado is coming. Who am I? If somebody says you can be with one NSYNC member, help me remember.

[Pete Holmes]

There's Joey Fatone.

[Mo Welch]

Joey Fatone.

[Pete Holmes]

There's Lance.

[Mo Welch]

Lance bass. Justin Timberlake. J.C. chavez.

[Pete Holmes]

J.C. what? What does he look like? He's kind of a pretty boy.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

He was like, kind of like, I'd Say like second cutest. Chris Kirkpatrick. Is that right?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, which one's Chris?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, he had dress.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Chris is.

[Mo Welch]

Okay. So this is what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I. I'm not trying to drag Chris. I'm saying Chris looks like he won a contest or something maybe.

[Mo Welch]

And it. The ones in the.

[Pete Holmes]

That's mean to say. I'm just saying you have the bubble guys.

[Mo Welch]

Listen, they know this. They know they became funny or did whatever they needed to do to fit in.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Mo Welch]

But those guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Joey Patone knows. His last name is Joey Fatwood. Come on.

[Mo Welch]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

These guys have.

[Mo Welch]

You know what he did? Comedy. He was in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, exactly. So who's the fat one now?

[Mo Welch]

So, yeah, so that you would. Let's call them the most attainable person in the boy band.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Mo Welch]

Is the one that I'm picking, which I know that's not the same as Helen Hump, but I'm like, I already know everybody wants Justin Timberlake in this time. I'm picking somebody who's going to be more available.

[Pete Holmes]

You're picking that one?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's his name again?

[Mo Welch]

Chris Kirkpatrick.

[Pete Holmes]

Chris Kirkpatrick.

[Mo Welch]

Is that his name? Kirkpatrick?

[Pete Holmes]

Even his name is available.

[Mo Welch]

Wait, where was Howie Mandel? Was he in. He was in Backstreet Boys.

[Pete Holmes]

Howie Mandel?

[Mo Welch]

No, not Howie. Howie. Howie Mandel. Howie the guy. Howie. God.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Mo Welch]

I used to have this guy on my wall.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Howie D. You're making me like the guy in 98 degrees that married Jessica Simpson.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying these aren't good looking people. I'm saying they're so good looking, I don't even know where to park my boat. So I want to. I want with Helen Hunt. She's like, you want coffee? I don't have any creamer. But we have coffee.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. He's sort of Drew Lachey, which is Nick's brother. And also in 98 degrees. Exactly. It's the person where you're like, it's elite. It's. It's. I don't know. It feels off the beaten path. It feels like something special, though, is.

[Pete Holmes]

So he's just done a lot of work. I know he had the dui. We're gonna put that to one side. Who cares? Not. Who cares, Please don't drink and drive. But putting that to one side. He's done so much work. He's funny. You know what I mean? He sort of found I might go Timberlake right now.

[Mo Welch]

Well, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just in sync. I was like, no way. That's like a little Michael Jackson.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm like, no. We could talk about trolls, right?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I mean, of course, as time goes on, I don't know if it's gonna be Chris for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Kirkpatrick.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you might go Timberling.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Like, I mean, I was never going like Baby Spice or Posh Spice. I was going Sporty Spice, of course, because I was like, she's a lesbian. Turns out she's not, but whatever, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I. Ginger Spice is so much.

[Mo Welch]

A lot of people like Ginger. And this is my youth.

[Pete Holmes]

Would you comment again? You said you didn't talk a lot about gayness. There's the gayness. That. That's the real gayness.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there's like, male perception of lesbian.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And to me, I'm like, sporty Spice is just too. No disrespect. I'm just saying it's. I want. There's no curves. There's nothing going on. I would think. And then I get involved that a lesbian would have a crush on Ginger Spice.

[Mo Welch]

Right. But maybe you see your, like, I saw myself as, like, part of it is wardrobe. When you're a kid and you're like, she's wearing Adidas, like, Adidas pants. Adidas tracksuit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

I want to wear what she's wearing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I get it.

[Mo Welch]

That's up. I'm just trying to.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it date.

[Mo Welch]

Date myself now?

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're seeing yourself represented as right. And I've always wanted to be. This is going to sound weird or maybe pandering, but I've thought it a million times is like, I've wanted to be, like, a brassy broad. Like, I know broad isn't a great. But that captures the spirit. And all of my acquiring of talent was just trying to be as alluring as just kind of like a lady, like, with a cigarette and big red hair and just like, what's that? That's what I want.

[Mo Welch]

I've been trying to be Jessica Rabbit all these years.

[Pete Holmes]

My hand is up. I became Roger so I could feel like Jessica. Yeah. But at the end of the day, I'm the investigator. I didn't like that guy. He seemed too real.

[Mo Welch]

That was scary.

[Pete Holmes]

He was scary.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not just. Well, I'm clearly making this association because I just watched your thing, but he has an energy similar to your dad.

[Mo Welch]

My dad is that. You know, that last scene, my dad. You know, for people that don't know, I hadn't seen him for 20 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

And then I saw him for the first time. And that was one. Obviously. I mean, I'm sure, you know, but it's like, it was one take, so it's like you are seeing the only stuff that we got. And in the nerves that, like, people are like, you can feel it, like. And I can't even watch it because I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I did that. It's so nerve wracking to watch. We were so real.

[Pete Holmes]

We were freaking out.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were not chill.

[Mo Welch]

And it was very like, he looks obviously like, you know, January 6th sort of dude in that moment. And you're like, this guy's scary.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I. I thought that when he was wearing I'm afraid of your dad. So I'm saying this with full respect, but why it was so unsurprising that he was wearing an American flag shirt.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, when did this happen? When did like, brutal, like, ass kicking, like, Under Armour is a division of the army all of a sudden.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? And like. And the flag means. Fuck you. That's what the flag means. And the Punisher logo gets merged with the flag. And. And like the tattered flag, the black, like a black. All black. Like, when did we. The badassery.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which used to be. Where was that?

[Mo Welch]

Like, it feels like you're right. Because it's. I was just watching the bike riders. Right. Is that right? It was like. It's that movie with Austin Butler. It's about like a motorcycle gang.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

And I think it was in the 60s and you're like, you're not seeing the flags yet on the motorcycles. And, you know, so I. I am curious to know when that became a symbol of like, toughness. Why am I afraid of the American flag?

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm 45. I've had different react to the flag. And I'm not even talking about my interpretation. I'm talking about how it was framed, the flag. My mom's an immigrant. She'd talk about seeing the Statue of Liberty and the flag. So it was like hope and a future and freedom and like, I sound so corny right now, but I'm not trying to be corny. It was like, come one, come all, a place for you. We'll hear it. We disagree. But look at these colors. They're so primary and. But we still. And then like around the Gulf War, it started to become like, these colors don't run well. Nine, 11.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we're on to something.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If we were Malcolm Gladwell.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We would cut this out and just do a six part series. And it would be elegant and it'd.

[Mo Welch]

Be like, Rudy Giuliani was like a big role in this somehow.

[Pete Holmes]

Somehow. Well, that's the cliffhanger to episode three. Somehow it all comes down to Rudy Giuliani.

[Mo Welch]

Then he's just. His face is melting. Find out more in episode four.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And now when I. Sometimes when I see the flag, it's. It'll. It'll spook me a little bit.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that seems to be the intent, which I'm like, yeah, like when I feel like when your dad's wearing an American flag shirt, he's not saying, like, isn't democracy incredible? Look at what we've done. No, he's saying, if you punch me, I'll kill you.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I think, I think there's always a way to take it back. And it's. I mean, it's unfortunate, but it's true. It's like if everybody were like, oh, like literally every gay person in America just wear the American flag at all times, like, we would solve that problem. Because this people are so afraid of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And do pickup trucks come in other colors than white? It's like a white pickup truck with an American flag. But you know what's upsetting about that for me is I don't like, and I'm not talking about the Illuminati, I don't like that culture has monetized and compartmentalized. It's a truck, it's a market. You are research. The F150 research and you're marketed. They trend it. They go this group and then they sell it to you. And at the end of the day, had nothing to do with anything. In the same way that whatever the Tesla or the Prius is being modeled or marketed to me. And I just don't like that we've all bought it hook, line and sinker. And going back to the toothpick flipping 80s, I feel like there was more room for like, I drive a Saab 900, remember?

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh my God, what the does that say about me? Yeah, like, you don't know.

[Mo Welch]

I don't want my car really to say anything about me. I guess it's. And they don't give you room.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, no, they all say something.

[Mo Welch]

Now listen, I don't think Subaru was ever really marketing to lesbians. I just think we took it and we ran because. And now I feel like I Don't want to go. I basically don't want to be pigeonholed. And it's too easy for me to get a Subaru. And I. So I won't get a Subaru because I don't want to be seen as the reason I got a Subaru is because I'm gay.

[Pete Holmes]

But. Okay. I'm not saying any of us are rubes. By the way, you buying a Subaru would be exactly what we're talking about.

[Mo Welch]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

The idea that a corporation takes out a page, like, when I'm in fucking Texas and there's a billboard that says Coors Light, the official beer of the Dallas Cowboys. I'm just so aware that whatever their rival is, there's a billboard in their town that says Coors Light, the official of the Chicago Bears or whoever it is. And that's kind of the whole. Whole thing.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't really care. And if they. This is not headline news. I'm just saying if they can. If Subaru. There was a meeting where they realized that there was a trend, for whatever reason, the ring of keys MacGyver appeal of a Subaru. It. There's something feminine and handy. I'm not trying to be funny.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So they were like, we're seeing the skew.

[Mo Welch]

But what I'm saying is, I don't know if they really. Unless I'm wrong, I feel like. Like they didn't. I feel like we did it to ourselves. Like. Because, I mean. And this is just based on my personal experience of trying to get it. I. I test drove a Subaru, and the guy was like such an. The. The car dealer and the salesman. The car dealer. The car dealer guy. Yeah. He. He was such an asshole. He smelled like cigarettes, and he was like. He had two. My wife and I were both in the car, and I was like. Like, literally all you have to do is like, let us drive this around. And he was such an. During the process that I was like, I'm not buying the Subaru from this person. And then I didn't buy Subaru.

[Pete Holmes]

What did he do?

[Mo Welch]

He was just like. So he just felt like sometimes people just feel homophobic and whether they are or not, that he felt it. And he was just, like, so short with us.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, the joke writes itself.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A Subaru dealer doesn't like lesbians.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It's probably just this guy. Maybe he had a bad day. But I was like, shouldn't you just be, like, rolling out the red carpet for us right now?

[Pete Holmes]

Carpet joke. Yeah, we'll put a Pin there.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come back to the carpet.

[Mo Welch]

Joke.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every January brings you 365 blank, fresh new pages. And this is 2025. Maybe you are ready for a plot twist. Maybe there's an area or part of your story that you've been wanting to revise. Life isn't about trite, shallow resolutions that fade away by February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your very own life. Think of Therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story you deserve to live. I certainly believe that therapy has been so clutch in both my life and Valerie's life. It still is. It's a huge part. Talk therapy, I always say, is greater than the sum of its its parts. Talking with a trained professional helps. It's not just venting. It is healing. It is medicine, in my opinion, and it makes a huge difference. So if you've been waiting, BetterHelp is a great way to get started. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. You can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credited therapists with a wide range of specialties, and you can even switch that therapist anytime at no additional cost. So write your story with Better Help. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo today to get 10 off your first month. That's Better Help. H-E-L-P.com weirdo Be sure to tell them that you made it weird with Pete Holmes. Sent you. Help the show, help your life, get out there and have a great new year. We're also brought to us by our friends at Ritual, the multivitamin and the probiotic that I have sworn by for years and guys specifically, we need to get this in our systems. According to the cdc, fewer men than women meet the minimum daily intake recommendation for fruit and veg, and men are more likely to overvalue exercise and undervalue nutrition. Well, enter Ritual, a multivitamin scientifically developed for men to help fill nutrient gaps in their diets. My ritual routine is always the same. I start on an empty stomach, even on days I'm fasting because it has a delayed release capsule, which means it's not going to break down in my stomach. It's going to break down in my lower intestine, where it can actually be absorbed and it won't make me feel nauseous on an empty stomach, which is huge. I also take their symbiotic plus, their pro, their pre, their pro, and their postbiotic all in one. Not only do these things fill those gaps in my diet. As a mostly vegan, I have a lot of gaps in my diet and my blood work comes back aces because this gap filling thing also giving my biome, my microbiome in my stomach, my second brain in my belly, everything that it needs to thrive, I take it with me constantly. I never, never, never miss a day. This is one subscription I have never snoozed. I've never snoozed because I Never miss it. 10 key nutrients in 2 delayed release capsules per day designed to dissolve later. As I said in the small intestine gentle on an empty stomach. They're rigorously tested. They are vegan, non GMO project certified gluten and major allergen free certified B corp and made traceable Essential for men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. And you can get 25 off your first month for a limited [e-mail]. that's ritual.com weird. And you will get that, that wonderful, wonderful discount. 25% off. I lost. I couldn't hold it in my brain. 25% off. Ritual.com weird. Great way to start the new year. Get it in your body. Support the body, support the show. So tornado scalactite from the sky.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And so we. The. The alarm had already gone off.

[Pete Holmes]

What does it sound like? Is it like.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, exactly. Scary. Yeah, yeah. And you can hear it from a mile out. It like. I think it happens at the water tower. There's a big blue water tower, you know, that says the town name on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Nowhere.

[Mo Welch]

Or this one. Armington.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, are you from nowhere?

[Mo Welch]

Normal.

[Pete Holmes]

Normal, that's right.

[Mo Welch]

Which is nowhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Hilarious.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, keep going. And we saw the tort. I didn't see the tornado. My sister, my mom saw the tornado. They were on the front porch, they see the tornado. And then my mom and her just start running. I'll never forget, my sister's a baby. And so she's in the high chair and she's eating a ice cream. We just pull her out a twisty cone. It was like a. It was like a schwann man. It was like an ice cream sandwich.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. So usually you take the, with the highchair, you take the tray off with like going under and clipping it off. Yeah, we just pull her out and then we go down in the cellar. My mom recently told me this. So we had a cellar. We've never been there. The whole time we lived there, we've never been in the cellar. What my mom did was put the heaviest dresser in front of it. She was afraid that one of us would fall down the stairs. Yeah, there's a door, but she didn't want us going in there. She puts the heaviest, tallest dresser in front of the door. And then when she comes in, I just. She pushed. It was so heavy. She just pushed. Like mama bear. Sort of like, you know, parent energy, when your child's in danger, pushes it. And all of us who are just.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, mom, we love you so much.

[Mo Welch]

We love you so much. Just go, like. Like, we're all gonna die. We're not. Didn't come close to our house. But the. Then we go down to the cellar, ruining the tension. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I am just kidding.

[Mo Welch]

We're fine. Oh, you're supposed to say that at the end. We're totally fine. We're, like, such idiots for thinking in this moment.

[Pete Holmes]

I like the way you told it.

[Mo Welch]

So then we go down the stairs.

[Pete Holmes]

Mama bear strength. You go downstairs.

[Mo Welch]

We go downstairs. And my mom was like, that was the first time I've been out there, so I didn't know what was down there. It was all these. It was like cans of vegetables, and people had canned vegetables at some point, whoever lived here.

[Pete Holmes]

Not you guys.

[Mo Welch]

No, it was, like, from years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

It was probably like, thank God you had to find out. Are these still good?

[Mo Welch]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Crunching on some okra.

[Mo Welch]

And she's like, there was water on the floor of the cellar. And then we'd like the light on. She was like, oh, my God. I thought we were gonna get electrocuted down there. And I'm just like, what a nightmare having all these kids.

[Pete Holmes]

You're such a mom that. That was your punchline.

[Mo Welch]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

And what a hard thing to have five kids.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I mean, you think if it's one, you stand on the stairs at least.

[Pete Holmes]

Least. So funny. Yeah. My wife Val and I, who says hello, by the way.

[Mo Welch]

Hello. Val.

[Pete Holmes]

Is waiting for her to reply.

[Mo Welch]

Guess she doesn't give a about you.

[Pete Holmes]

Because she's being rude. We also are having one child. And when you said the thing about your wife seeing you having the baby, she's gonna have the second one and being like, no. Yeah, I get that. So hard. Because after we decided to have one, you then allow yourself to say things like that.

[Mo Welch]

Did you decide after you had the baby or kind of before?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we tried for a while, and it was kind of a bumpy road. And then we were like. That made us question and have a big conversation about it. And Then we decided we were like, okay, let's have one. And then after you say, let's have one, you go like, I'm so glad, because this is going to sound insane. Meaning it's like I'm sidling up to your struggle as someone who gave birth. But I was like, it's so scary just watching someone you love. And by the way, everyone who's pregnant who's listening, you will be fine.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it is a adventure, and it's frightening. And when you can't help, there's a special kind of, like, impotence to that, where you're just, like, watching. And Val is like, a comfort person. And I'm like, I can't. I can get a nurse for you, right? I can get the anesthesiologist.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How are you? You're feeling good about the one or whatever?

[Mo Welch]

Well, yeah. I mean, that's the thing is, like, when you like Sam, it's part of the reason Sam, originally, my wife Sam, did want to have another baby. She wanted to also give, give birth. And, like, it was. We had talked about it, and it was like, an experience both of us wanted. And I always knew that I wanted that experience. So I. I go first, because I'm a few years older than her, and I was like, okay, yeah, I'll do it first, and then she'll do it second. And then, really, she saw the experience, and she was like, you're the strongest person I know. And that would. And watching you be in so much pain and stuff. And honestly, I had a great pregnancy, great birth, but, like, even the most standard. She was like, I can't do this.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a reason why in the Adam and Eve story, God is like, and I'm gonna fuck up childbirth. Like, we needed a myth to be like, what is this? I don't know if you remember that.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

The curse of getting kicked out. And they're like, and from now on, it'll suck to have kids. Because we needed a curse.

[Mo Welch]

It's also population control. You're like, you can't just have it be so easy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. What a brilliant design.

[Mo Welch]

Hey, that guy knew what he was doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, if you got pregnant from a handshake and it just popped out, right? Everyone. Everyone would be wearing gloves.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not just oj. Timely. Okay, so. And you feel good about the one. How old is your baby?

[Mo Welch]

She's five.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't know ours were close.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, I think. I didn't know, actually. Yeah, they were in a Little music class together. Right before the pandemic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Like maybe one class. And then it was like, right as the pandemic was happening. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So cute. Another lesbian everywhere.

[Mo Welch]

They're everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you ever get that straight flexes where I'm like, oh, yeah, my other lesbian friend.

[Mo Welch]

Oh. You know what we're doing right now, actually, we're doing the private school interviews, you know, and tours with. For our kid. And the first thing, because they kind of know. I mean, obviously they know when we show up. Up. But it is just like Sam and Mo on there. It's kind of confusing with the names. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're only gonna find out if they're prejudiced.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And we sit there.

[Pete Holmes]

Samantha.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Samantha and Maureen. Come on in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sam and Mo.

[Mo Welch]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't even realize. Of course. It sounds like two men.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It could be two men. Could. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Two ladies could be one on one, right?

[Mo Welch]

And two furries. You don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Two furries with no hole.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just get it, guys. It ruins the.

[Mo Welch]

For real. It's like, there's enough tools. Okay. So we're doing these interviews and. And you see how. How quickly it is brought up. And it's lesbian. It's very sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

Like how quickly they kind of show their.

[Mo Welch]

Let me. Let me tell you, everyone I know who's a lesbian. Or let me show you how. This school is extremely progressive. And I'm like, I want to hear if, like, a shooter is going to be able to get in. Okay. Like, you don't know me. I'm full of fear.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't care that you're down with the lesbians.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to know where the metal detectors are.

[Mo Welch]

Right. I was like, listen, she. Oh, all. You know, and it's great, but it's like, you know, there's like so much. So much about, like, gay friendly and all that. I was like, it's fine. She's getting that at home. She can see all of it. Like, I just need to know that we're safe.

[Pete Holmes]

Homophobia, if you guys have any.

[Mo Welch]

If we're gonna give her the real world, you know what if your school.

[Pete Holmes]

You go to a school that's so progressive, they have a room where there's an actor who plays another just so they can kind of get a taste.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like two moms. That's it.

[Mo Welch]

And. But like, comedians we know were hired to write jokes about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, we could do that. We are almost out of time because I have to leave at 5:30. But I've loved every moment.

[Mo Welch]

Samesies, samesies.

[Pete Holmes]

Add because that's why we're vibing real good, right?

[Mo Welch]

I. I don't know. I. Yeah, we don't probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's probably.

[Mo Welch]

We don't know. Have you gotten tested? Should we get tested?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But yeah, I can't focus on a date. No, I. I just find that this sort of rapport that we have is uniquely. This is my diagnosis. I'm diagnosing you. But I don't even have it. I have the symptoms of it.

[Mo Welch]

Right. I was gonna kind of like, you're not from the Midwest, right?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I look like it though.

[Mo Welch]

But yeah, like, I mean, I think I like rapport like this always comes from a Midwesterner with me. And so you have like a Midwest vibe.

[Pete Holmes]

I enjoyed my time there. I started Chicago.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy in Chicago.

[Mo Welch]

You left before me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you mentioned a venue that I had been at.

[Mo Welch]

Old Town Pub.

[Pete Holmes]

Old Town Pub, yeah. And I've had the song Old Town Road in my head since you said that. So when I was listening to your special, I was listening to it because we were driving here, but I would look over when your dad was on. It was a driving hazard and Val like closed captioning, but for the visually impaired. She would be like. And now she's walking around.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't ask her to do it. It was.

[Mo Welch]

She wore the dress. She wore the red dress.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually saw the dress. It was a nice dress.

[Mo Welch]

It's a nice dress.

[Pete Holmes]

And I saw the motorcycle. I saw all the key stuff. Cuz there's a lot of traffic.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I wrote down. Oh, we didn't get to a teen alcoholic. This. This is the acronym I wrote down.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Stripper, military fans, tornado.

[Mo Welch]

I can't believe you can remember that just from writing the.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Wow. This is.

[Pete Holmes]

This is it, man. And then furry. So ASMTF and we got to F S. We didn't cover M. We covered T. We didn't cover A. And we also have to talk about the meaning of life. So I'll give it to you. We could talk about any sort of religious, spiritual leanings, kind of like you get the full experience or if that's uncomfortable for you, we could talk about being a teen alcoholic.

[Mo Welch]

No, you know, that was something in my set. I wasn't really a teen alcoholic, but I drank a lot. And that was the one thing in my special that I was like, oh, I kind of regret saying that because A couple people that asked me, and I'm like, oh, my God, no. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to be the face of this. I just drank a lot with my friends.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Mo Welch]

I changed the joke, though. Now it's. Now I say, like. And I became a comedian. Like, I'm a clown because of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I thought, like, shots before class, kind of.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. God.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, good. I'm glad. That's a relief.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And do you really have military fans?

[Mo Welch]

I do. I don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

And you really don't know.

[Mo Welch]

I really don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, and it's not that they think you're pretending to be a lesbian. That's just a joke that.

[Mo Welch]

No, I've had that. There's been times after shows where people are like, is that all true? Are you. Like, you're not really gay, are you? And this is, like, years ago, but in. In a way where I'm like, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Don'T have, like, spiked hair, I guess.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And you're, like, going around the country to places who, like, people don't. You know any at the time. They're like. They don't even know any out. Lesbians. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Interesting. So do you have. I mean, here we are, alive and aware in. In outer space. Any framework for that?

[Mo Welch]

For the military?

[Pete Holmes]

No, we're done with that.

[Mo Welch]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I've just left that away.

[Mo Welch]

I was like, military. I was like. I don't have a lot of opinions.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, that's gone. That's just interesting.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a fun little tidbit. No, for, like, do you think when you die it's the end? Do you think there's a meaning to life?

[Mo Welch]

I think, unfortunately, and I'm so okay with this, that I think it's the end. And I don't really think there's a meaning. Oh, well, yeah. And I'm not existential about it.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I heard that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Put the people get worried.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't get worried. I look, for what it's worth, that worldview, which is an unafraid worldview in. And I'm paraphrasing your experience, but at home, in a meaningless, chaotic place.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the same destination of a mystic or a monk. It's a unafraid at home, at one atonement, at one mint with reality.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're having. Not that you need to be, but from my perspective, being sort of like, surrendered a very spiritual idea to what is. Which is. I don't see any meaning. And I don't think there's anything going on here. But then that expresses itself in your life as peace. That's a deeply spiritual idea.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It is an ex. It's an acceptance of, like, in. In my special. I went to the cemetery that I used to hang out in as a child, and right before I was confirmed in church, I remember being like, oh, like, it just kind of, like, hit me and I go, oh, I don't actually believe any of that. Like, because there was that girl in my town who died who was like. Like, seemed to have it all, and I was like, oh, I don't think that there actually is a thing. And, like, I never. I. I wasn't, like, I didn't struggle with.

[Pete Holmes]

I've heard a lot of stories like that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Where I was just like, oh, okay. That's. That's how. That. That's. That's what that is.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not for me.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't buy it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I never bought it. Yeah. But the way you're going around the world is. Is at peace. Yeah, I know.

[Mo Welch]

I mean. Yeah, I have, like. I definitely have, like, major fear. And sometimes they'll just be like, oh, my God, I hope that. You know, I hope. I mean, that'd be cool if there was something. I just don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

Can't convince me unless I'm there. And where you're like, told you. You know, like, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Told you.

[Mo Welch]

Told you.

[Pete Holmes]

I've mentioned it a million times, but we did a sketch. We did these series of sketches called heaven, and I'm St. Peter. And my favorite one was Matt McCarthy is. You know, everyone dies and they show up at the pearly gates. And my favorite one was a guy, it's Matt, and he's just going, I knew it. I knew it. And he's gloating. He's like, I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I didn't swear. They all made fun of me. But I knew it. Like, he's kind of. And then I, of course, send him to hell because he sucks.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

But the idea of gloating, or the idea of you being in heaven, being like, all right.

[Mo Welch]

Be like, all right, you got me, man. You guys were right. I didn't believe we didn't even get to comics. But I was. Because I. The New Yorker. And. But one of my. One of my. One of them that didn't get in.

[Pete Holmes]

Rejected comic about rejected comics.

[Mo Welch]

I've got a bunch of them, but one of them is just A guy. It's. It's like a God. And, you know, there's like, a few humans or whatever, and there's just a God, and they can see him, and he has a goatee. And the caption is just like, I just don't think I can believe in a God with a goatee.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect New Yorker.

[Mo Welch]

Like, yeah, you're right. Like, if the God had that goatee that you were talking about before. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The very thin one.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. You'd be like, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

No. The beard gets it coming and going. You look like you've just been living on the road, and you look manly. It's fit. Like, that's why the mustache is the ultimate choice, and that's why it kind of looks. It can look a little silly. Tell me your other. This is a great way to end your other favorite rejected New Yorker cartoons. Because I used to get my feelings hurt.

[Mo Welch]

Do you have one that you can remember?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, hundreds.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I love your comics, though. Do you contribute? Do you draw at all? Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I still like to draw. I'm doing a kid's book, so I really like drawing and getting back into that. But, like, the first one was two avocados, and one has eyelashes, so you can see it's a lady avocado. And she's saying they're having a fight. So many of my comics were mid fight.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Something I got from Bruce Eric Kaplan, who I really admire. And she's saying to the other avocado, what do you mean? I'm the good kind of fat? And I just think that's a perfect.

[Mo Welch]

That's so funny. It's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a perfect.

[Mo Welch]

I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the. One of the reasons I stopped doing it was this attitude that I'm demonstrating right now was. I was so, so certain.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because a New Yorker cartoon is like your goatee thing. It's like they have a certain sound, and if you can make it funny and it has that sound and it's.

[Mo Welch]

It's difficult.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not easy.

[Mo Welch]

It's like, not even a full sentence.

[Pete Holmes]

But, you know, you got it right. I drew one where a clown, very much like, you're special, a clown is standing there, and the woman is leaving with her suitcase, and she's turning back and saying, I faked the laughs, too.

[Mo Welch]

That's great. Oh, my God. I love. I want that for my wall. That's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. Again, mo, you're seeing a gross part of me, but you'll never meet a More confident, Pete, than someone saying, that should have been in the magazine. Yeah, I think it was, actually. And I faked the laughs.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I thought that was tight.

[Mo Welch]

I love clown. I love putting a clown.

[Pete Holmes]

And I had a lot. Yeah, A lot of. A lot of. Jesus.

[Mo Welch]

I think I've had one clown that was like. Like, they're like, take. Take your shoes off so you don't track cake into the. You know, Something like that. It wasn't actually. Yeah. Wasn't made for the New Yorker, but something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you still submit?

[Mo Welch]

I do, but I haven't in a while. Like, basically this whole year I've been so bad at submitting.

[Pete Holmes]

But.

[Mo Welch]

But I. I love doing it because I end up kind of posting them anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Well, no, that's. That's just good. It's just. It also. It keeps you writing jokes.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. And I love. I love to draw. I just, you know, it's like, it's so hard to find time because, like, even to get ready to draw, you need, like, a few hours.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell that to my daughter all the time, too. It's like. Cause she'll be coloring something in. And I'm like, obviously, she's six, so that's fine. But I'm like, baby, it's how you feel while you're drawing is what makes drawing so special. I thought of another one. It's embarrassing. I'm mad about all of them. Two guys in heaven with huge wings. Guy's got kind of like a blank face, and he's saying, I miss back rubs. That's perfect.

[Mo Welch]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's perfect.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a doctor. I had a million doctor ones where he goes, when in doubt, just prescribe the drug on your pen. That's not funny. But that is a New Yorker cartoon.

[Mo Welch]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a very.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it weird that.

[Mo Welch]

Well, the New Yorker cartoon, it's so funny because it really is like this. This is a standing ovation New Yorker just, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally. What's your favorite? Not one of ours, because mine was a Bruce Eric Kaplan. The one that did it, that made me want to.

[Mo Welch]

Which one was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a skeleton at a cocktail party. They're just. He's holding. The skeleton's not holding anything.

[Mo Welch]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's important. I actually think if the skeleton was holding a martini, it ruins the cartoon.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's just standing there. He's just a skeleton. Guy's holding a martini, talking to him. There's other people Milling about, and he says, so Helen tells me, you're dead. I just can't get enough of that.

[Mo Welch]

Right. That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't get enough of it.

[Mo Welch]

So, you know, there was one. I don't remember what the caption is, but it's in my. I actually bought the print, and it's. What's. What's Popeye's friend's name?

[Pete Holmes]

Bluto?

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Like, they're holding hands. It's like. I guess that's where the aggression came from. Like, something like that. Which basically, like that. It was like, him. Secret being repressed. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Secret gays.

[Mo Welch]

Which.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a gay one, which I really. Yeah, they're all mine. That I remember. But it's a slovenly guy in bed. He's covered in, like, candy bar wrappers, beer cans, and his very clean, kind of fit boyfriend. They're in bed. And he says, would it kill you to act a little more gay? I just thought every one of these hurts my.

[Mo Welch]

The gay ones was. So I had one where it was like, two lesbian moms and they had their kid, and they're like, it's devastating to find out who's the emergency contact number.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. That's great. You're reminding me of one. It's a pregnant lady with a baby carriage. And this is so New York. New Yorker. Somebody walks by and she's saying, it's inhuman that people have dogs in this city.

[Mo Welch]

And I'm like, it's so good. Wait, you had one that was published that I really liked, where they were, like, sitting out on the porch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I miss hating the city.

[Mo Welch]

Yes. I love that one. It's such a good one.

[Pete Holmes]

I just moved to Sleepy Hollow and I drew it on my porch church, and I missed the city.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

I really appreciate that. I've never had someone. Well, that's a whole other convo. Oh, did you have the one that you saw that kind of lit the spark for you? I mean, that already say I'm sorry.

[Mo Welch]

Well, it wasn't like, the Popeye one. Was that. You know, I have that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

I have that big book that's like New Yorker cartoons. It's like a big table, but it's super heavy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Mo Welch]

That. Basically, all of the comics in there, I absolutely loved. I loved all the Addams Family ones. I loved.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Charles Adams.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. I love.

[Pete Holmes]

Matt Diffie's great.

[Mo Welch]

Matt Diffie's great. And just his drawing style. I was like. I was like, well, I can never do what's this guy, Henry Bliss. He's like, on my Instagram.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Bliss.

[Mo Welch]

Love, love all of his comics.

[Pete Holmes]

And remember Jack Ziegler? He was. He saw my stuff and I got in the magazine that week after he gave me like a. He told Bob.

[Mo Welch]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, give the kid a chance.

[Mo Welch]

Oh, that's so great.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I got in the magazine. I've been submitting for a year and hadn't gotten in. And he was like, what are you doing?

[Mo Welch]

I submitted. I basically submitted. And then when Emma became the editor, then I. Then I got in and basically it was like two. It was like two submissions later. And then I got one and I was your first. Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

[Pete Holmes]

It.

[Mo Welch]

It's actually. It's the one that I mentioned in my special. It's a dad joke, but it's. It's a friend. A friend. A woman. A mother who has like a baby and she's obviously poor and stuff, and she is like her friend here and she's like. Like, I don't know. He said that he. He said that he left to get oat milk and vape refills and he never came back. So it's just a modern take on abandoned dad.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. They had a of bit. I love that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Yeah, that was a whole other area we could go into. But the special is incredible.

[Mo Welch]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called beep.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, the special is.

[Pete Holmes]

You should definitely. No, but it is really great. I shouldn't say this, but to make the compliment better, I said to Val, she's like, let's put on most special. And I said, baby, wait until we're 20 minutes out. Because a lot of times I don't want to listen to someone's whole special. It's not because I don't like it.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah, it's hard to watch. Listen, it's hard to watch special.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm about to talk to them for an hour.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I don't want to be burnt out. It's not like I'm like, this sucks. Turn it off. I'm just like, I just want 20. I want to taste right.

[Mo Welch]

And you know, for me, it's just a pat. It's. There's 25 minutes of stand up in there and there's like 35 minutes of a documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that, that it was the right choice. You're a wonderful comic. But I thought as a piece of art, it was just the choice, I think.

[Mo Welch]

And I'll do it. I'm gonna do another do special again just because I. I honestly just don't want to do a full hour ever. Every time I've done it, I've regretted it. You go to a comedy club, I'm like, I regret that.

[Pete Holmes]

Follow that.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to follow that. All right, well, thank you.

[Mo Welch]

Thank you so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sorry, was that sudden?

[Mo Welch]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, thank you so much.

[Mo Welch]

I'm like, okay, I'll leave.

[Pete Holmes]

Get the.

[Mo Welch]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Would you say keep it crispy? It's how we end.

[Mo Welch]

Yes, of course. Keep it crispy. I looked at that camera. Is that okay?

[Pete Holmes]

You did it great. I was thinking of a bit, like, you did it wrong, but I was like, why end on that note?

[Mo Welch]

You're like, I can follow that, no problem.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. It was. I think it was Godfrey, the comedian. Godfrey, I heard, would go, follow that. Follow that. And I think Godfrey is hilarious, but that's really funny. It was also in the early 2000s.

[Mo Welch]

I promise that there's little. Little taste show.

[Pete Holmes]

People that listen to the whole episode, they get the gossip.

[Mo Welch]

The next show, if I'm on before you, I'm gonna tell you that before you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I would love it. Thank you.