Mo Welch

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes - Episode Featuring Mo Welch

Episode Information

• Title: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
• Host: Pete Holmes
• Guest: Mo Welch
• Release Date: January 15, 2025
• Description: Exploring the unique and often hidden quirks of comedians, Pete Holmes delves deep into personal stories, professional insights, and the nuanced aspects of identity with guest Mo Welch.

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1. Opening Remarks and Context

Pete Holmes [00:04]: Kicks off the episode by acknowledging the challenging times, expressing empathy for those affected by disasters in Los Angeles, and emphasizing the importance of bringing positivity through the podcast. He mentions that the episode with Mo Welch was recorded before the recent events, aiming to provide a delightful and uplifting conversation amidst the turmoil.

"This episode was recorded before all of this. It was recorded actually, I think before the new year even. And it's a delightful chat." [00:04]

2. Comedic Styles and Stage Personas

The conversation delves into the dynamics of comedy performances, particularly focusing on the scripted nature of certain interactions on stage versus spontaneous humor. Mo Welch discusses his approach to creating authentic comedic moments, emphasizing the challenge of balancing scripted lines with genuine reactions.

Mo Welch [02:22]:

"Part of the show... I don't like that the phone call's fake." [02:26]

3. Name and Identity in Comedy

A playful discussion about names ensues, highlighting how comedians often adopt stage names or unique identities to stand out. Pete Holmes shares his preference for being called "Petey Pants" over his actual name, illustrating the fun and personal touch comedians add to their personas.

Pete Holmes [05:06]:

"Mark wants people to call him Marin and I want everyone to call me Petey Pants." [05:14]

4. The Furry Community and Personal Connections

A significant portion of the episode explores the furry community, discussing its cultural aspects, costume dynamics, and personal experiences. Mo Welch offers insights into the community’s diversity, addressing misconceptions and highlighting the supportive nature of members.

Mo Welch [24:15]:

"Some only have a head... These are known as headies." [24:25]

Pete Holmes [24:38]:

"My sister's a Furry, and they’re very queer." [24:40]

5. Family Stories and Life Experiences

Both hosts share heartfelt stories about family, particularly focusing on navigating personal challenges and supporting each other. Pete Holmes recounts a family experience during a tornado, emphasizing the strength and quick thinking of his mother.

Pete Holmes [76:31]:

"She was afraid that one of us would fall down the stairs. She puts the heaviest dresser in front of the door." [76:41]

6. Sexuality, Identity, and Self-Expression

The discussion delves into personal journeys of understanding and expressing sexuality. Mo Welch reflects on his experiences with self-acceptance and how it has influenced his art and comedy. They explore the broader implications of identity on creativity and personal growth.

Mo Welch [15:13]:

"You have this repression that's pulling back the bowstring. Once you figure yourself out, it informs your self-expression." [15:52]

7. Parenting and Modern Challenges

The hosts discuss the complexities of parenting in today's world, touching upon topics like homeschooling, school interviews, and creating supportive environments for their children. Pete Holmes shares experiences related to his daughter’s education and navigating through progressive school systems.

Pete Holmes [83:03]:

"We’re doing the private school interviews, and the first thing they say is we’re extremely progressive." [83:15]

8. Comedy Craft and Creative Process

A deep dive into the mechanics of creating comedy, the hosts exchange anecdotes about joke development, handling stage pressure, and the intricacies of comedic timing. They emphasize the importance of authenticity and the challenges of maintaining originality in stand-up routines.

Pete Holmes [27:00]:

"I was like, I was going to dress up like him and do a Q&A. That was me as a furry." [27:00]

9. Life Reflections: Meaning and Afterlife

Towards the end of the episode, Pete Holmes and Mo Welch engage in a profound conversation about the meaning of life and beliefs about the afterlife. Pete expresses an acceptance of life's inherent lack of predetermined meaning, finding peace in the present.

Pete Holmes [88:02]:

"I think it's the end. And I don't really think there's a meaning. It is an acceptance of what is." [88:37]

10. Closing Thoughts and Mutual Appreciation

As the episode wraps up, both hosts express gratitude for the engaging conversation, sharing mutual admiration for each other's comedic talents and personal stories. They reflect on the shared experiences and the unique bond formed through comedy and personal openness.

Mo Welch [99:44]:

"We enjoyed every moment. Samesies, samesies." [99:51]

Pete Holmes [100:01]:

"Keep it crispy." [100:22]

---

Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

• Pete Holmes [00:04]:
  "This episode was recorded before all of this. It was recorded actually, I think before the new year even. And it's a delightful chat."

• Mo Welch [02:22]:
  "Part of the show... I don't like that the phone call's fake."

• Pete Holmes [05:14]:
  "Mark wants people to call him Marin and I want everyone to call me Petey Pants."

• Mo Welch [15:52]:
  "You have this repression that's pulling back the bowstring. Once you figure yourself out, it informs your self-expression."

• Pete Holmes [24:38]:
  "My sister's a Furry, and they’re very queer."

• Mo Welch [88:37]:
  "I think it's the end. And I don't really think there's a meaning. It is an acceptance of what is."

• Mo Welch [99:51]:
  "We enjoyed every moment. Samesies, samesies."

• Pete Holmes [100:22]:
  "Keep it crispy."

---

Key Takeaways

• Authenticity in Comedy: The importance of genuine interactions versus scripted moments on stage.

• Identity and Self-Expression: Exploring how understanding one’s sexuality and identity can enhance creativity and artistic expression.

• Community and Support: Insights into niche communities like the furries, emphasizing diversity and support networks.

• Family Dynamics: Personal stories highlight the strength and resilience of family bonds in the face of adversity.

• Life Philosophy: Embracing the idea that life may lack inherent meaning, leading to a peaceful acceptance of the present.

---

This episode of "You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes" offers a blend of humor, heartfelt stories, and deep reflections, providing listeners with an engaging and multifaceted conversation that resonates on both personal and professional levels.

Transcript

[A]

You made it with.

[B]

You made it with.

[A]

You made it with.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is obviously a devastating, devastating, very sad time. Super, super heavy. We are all feeling it. Me and my family are all right. We're doing okay. But. But so many people that we know have lost their homes and countless more that we don't know. And it is, as I said, it's devastating. It's not business as usual by any means, but we wanted to keep episodes coming out because a lot of us, I think myself at least, are looking for things to get our mind off it, even if it's just for a brief respite or if you're, I don't know, looking for something else to think about. This episode was recorded before all of this. It was recorded actually, I think before the new year even. And it's a delightful chat. And as I say, as I said, I hope it gives some joy and a break, if that's what you're looking for, obviously, we hope our thoughts and our prayers and our donations and help is to Los Angeles. Please keep helping in the ways that you see fit. It's crazy. Our house is currently filled with folks that have. That had to leave. It's. It's just a insane, insane time. And I want to honor that. And we're dropping this episode in the midst of all of this. Wishing you the best. Hope everybody is safe. Hope everybody is coping, doing all right. And as. As silly as it sounds, if you're looking for a really wonderful break, I recommend Mo's Special. It's called dad jokes. It's on YouTube right now. Or you can come see her live or come see me live when things come back to normal. In the meantime, enjoy this wonderful chat. Really trying to just keep some positivity out there, sending everybody the best. And our thoughts and hearts are with LA right now. In the meantime, enjoy Mo Welch. Get into it.

[A]

Oh, comedians. Yeah. Yeah. You hear them ordering, right? Yeah.

[B]

Part of the show.

[A]

I like when he picks them up.

[B]

Me, too. But I don't like that the phone call's fake.

[A]

Yeah, it would have been nice. I mean, I would have liked if it were just spontaneous and they were really just picking them up and they were like. A lot of it was just like 45 minutes of the interview was just them being like, are you sure I can't do this? No, I.

[B]

This isn't a good day for me.

[A]

I don't know. I'm Like, I got the kids today.

[B]

Because then you'd actually like, I'm one of those people that. One of those people. I'm making it a category of people. But one of my fantasies is that the world would freeze. You know, like Vicky.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Or Zach. A lot of sitcoms wanted time to stop and that I could just walk around and see what everybody was doing at the moment of the freeze. So not an abandoned earth, but an earth that was frozen just at one random moment. I could go in and like. Because you're either that kind of snooper.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, I love looking in windows. Not to see anything scandalous per se, but I just want to see someone living. Living.

[A]

I like that. Yeah. Because if there was no, because I'm like, I understand. Because if there were like a Pompeii now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like, oh God, it'd be so bad. It'd just be a lot of people like on their phones like this.

[B]

It's be so sad now would be. And actually my little thing would have been way more interesting in the 80s and 90s.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

A lot more like fighting and slapping and.

[A]

Oh yeah. Just like mid throw to like throwing something at my sisters.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad throwing an atlas.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Hey, you've done your research.

[B]

Bumping mics.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Have you seen my special bumping mics?

[A]

Yeah. Bumping mics.

[B]

I've never done.

[A]

It's you and a Tell me and.

[B]

It'S Al bumping bikes.

[A]

I also love saying it tell when I've never met him, but like still going last name base.

[B]

You're so funny. Tell is. That is such a. That's the best example. More than Hicks or Hedberg. Ego a tell.

[A]

Ego a tell.

[B]

Well, no, Burr.

[A]

I think people might say burr.

[B]

When I was Marin, it was all a tell. What was that last?

[A]

Marin.

[B]

Marin.

[A]

Yeah. There's like Mark Baron.

[B]

No, no, no, I, I. First of all, that was a bit. Second of all, I thought you meant Mark's a great stand up. We were listing some that now it seems like I gotta walk that back and say I'm. Because Mark is a great stand.

[A]

No, no, I thought I. No, I actually took that as you were like, no, that is not a good name for just saying last name. Like it has to be Mark Marin.

[B]

No, no, no, it's definitely Marin.

[A]

Do a lot of people call you homes?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, because I think there aren't enough. Pete's in comedy Davidson. Right.

[B]

But Pete somebody a long, long time ago and I really liked it. You Ever keep one? Kept it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They said all you need to know about the difference between WTF and you made it weird is Mark wants people to call him Marin and I want everyone to call me Petey pants. And that really is like a nice. Like right there. Yeah, we get it.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

One is Marin, which is intimidating. And by the way, he is a great stand up. I just wouldn't. Wouldn't. I'm not going back to.

[A]

I wasn't getting that at all. I thought you were just talking about his name. Because some people you don't want to hear.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I see.

[A]

Like Welch, you know, Nobody really calls me Welch.

[B]

No fun. First name. You're a ff.

[A]

Yeah. And it's just one syllable as well, so it's like, why not? Yeah.

[B]

How do you feel about Mosef?

[A]

Mosif? I get Mosif. Mosana. Mos def Mo Steph. Mo money. No, not yet. Not till now.

[B]

I'll be the first to get mo money.

[A]

Mo money.

[B]

What does Brett Coldstein call you?

[A]

He calls me Mosana a lot.

[B]

Mosana.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's good to see you.

[A]

Mosif is. Some people do.

[B]

V is the best movie.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Of all time.

[A]

Did you.

[B]

Not bad, right? I did hit B minus C plus.

[A]

It's so hard. I mean, I like that instead of.

[B]

Critiquing it, you're like, it's just a hard impression.

[A]

Oh, so. Well, I can't do. I can't do impressions. But they apparently neither. I did his podcast and I was so embarrassed because I forgot my list. I did all my homework, but then we were on the road, forgot my list, and I just said uncle Buck, basically for everything. When he asks you, like, what movie would you die with? Yeah, of course. The reboot. Yeah.

[B]

Ever be part of a ritual killing?

[A]

Oh, that was so good. Yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Then something. If you ever make out like that in public again, you'll be part of one.

[A]

Yeah. I'll never forget the guy at the bowling alley getting the toothpick stuck in his mouth when he's like, yeah, it's perfect. So good.

[B]

Because the 80s, if there's one thing, tell me the 80s what didn't carry over. It's flipping toothpicks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was a big part.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My dad had a toothpick. Sorry. Sorry.

[A]

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Your dad probably didn't have. Sorry, My dad.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Your dad probably didn't have a toothpick.

[B]

Right. You get to your dad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your dad is the guy with the little goatee from Tiger King.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you remember that guy?

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

That guy is worse.

[A]

You mean Joe exotic, right? That guy.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

It's a different guy.

[B]

This riff is hotter than like a. Like a basic first year improviser would call your dad Joe exotic, Right? Yes. Yeah.

[A]

You're going. Third thought. Yeah.

[B]

Is like late in the season. A weird guy with no hair and white. A white thin goatee and a very. I don't want to say any. All my real feelings would be inappropriate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That'd be accurate.

[A]

I mean I don't even remember. I don't remember him ever having a goatee. But that would be the one if he. If he had one. Yeah.

[B]

It's a variety of guy, but that.

[A]

Takes a really long time. That thin goatee. That's so much manicuring for it to look like that.

[B]

I know. Remember when Prince wrote slave on his cheek and facial hair?

[A]

No, but I'll look it up.

[B]

Give it a goog image search off because that's a. Yeah, it's a. I'll.

[A]

Do it on your.

[B]

He also wrote JK in his pubes, so.

[A]

Really? Okay. Well. Okay. I'm extremely gullible.

[B]

Music industry. Oh, me too. I really am.

[A]

Everything you say I will believe.

[B]

Yeah. Your dad is the guy from Tiger King.

[A]

He is. I wouldn't be surprised.

[B]

But my dad would. It's actually a fond dad memory is he'd have a toothpick in his mouth because it's the 80s and had put it in his mouth to kiss us goodbye for school.

[A]

That's actually. That's sweet.

[B]

I know. It's very sweet.

[A]

That's sweet. And we were waiting for trashy. Like little trash. But like in a sweet way.

[B]

But also in the 80s what was trashy to us was like. Of course I just put the toothpick in my mouth when I kiss my kids.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Also were kissing on the lips.

[A]

Really Deal with it. Wow. God. You're just bringing out the like dad, love you.

[B]

You set the stage with a sensational. We're going to edit this out but a sensational special. We're going to take this out.

[A]

Don't worry.

[B]

But it's so good. It's called dad jokes Beep special. You can watch it on. It's available.

[A]

My favorite part. Any. Anything that's a complime. Just.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Yeah, anything.

[B]

Anything that's. Oh my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. But it is sensational. And you got me all it's going to say lubed up. But I say like wet and Ready?

[A]

Yeah. Let me walk that back. Wet and ready. Wet. Slip and slide. Ready to go.

[B]

Can I tell you that I, growing up, never knew that wet had, like, a connotation that a woman was aroused.

[A]

I don't think I knew that for a very long time.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Given your bits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We were in the same.

[A]

Right, Right. There was not a lot happening for a while.

[B]

I don't know when I figured I may not know that still.

[A]

It was not as accessible, especially Listen. Especially wet. Because that is like. I mean, when we were growing up, the you you weren't getting into. How do you make a woman feel good? How do you make a. You know, until you're like way older and we didn't have the anti driver.

[B]

Was as close as you could get. Meaning it would help you get what you want.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like the gates of Jura park will open.

[A]

They didn't say what was on the panties. Not to be gross, but they were like, you know. Yeah. There was nothing about arousal.

[B]

Bon Jovi. Slippery when wet.

[A]

Thank you, Bon Jovi.

[B]

Bon has the face.

[A]

Such a feminist.

[B]

If there was a coin of a guy who does oral for ladies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's Bon Jovi. And that's not. That's not shot five.

[A]

You got to put. You gotta remember, his hair was so long. You got to put it in a ponytail like you're throwing up.

[B]

And during a big night of drinking his hair back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got down on the ladies. I'm now worried that Slippery When Wet was Van Halen. Which.

[A]

Anyway, my point is they had long hair too, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. We'll beep that out.

[B]

Yeah, the bit. Oh, yeah. We'll cut it back.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Sorry, Katie, that's gonna take you like three hours just to make that bit work. Jk, you miss nothing. I. We happened to see Katie when she wasn't ready, which I loved. What was I saying? Oh. Although, like, I'd see, like, a video on the top shelf of video store and it would be called, like, Playboy, Wet and Wild. This is the first time I thought of this, which is really special for me, having done this show for so long to have a fresh idea, and I'm excited to share it with you. I remember being a kid and being like, they're just like, in the pool, man. They're, like, slipping around. They're on a slip and slide. They have a hose. Because, like, glistening and wet is kind of sexy. That's all I thought it was.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And maybe that was part of it.

[A]

That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, but we had. What is it called on Nickelodeon? We had like the Wet and Wild the kids or what was that called? Oh, Wild and. No, Wild and Now.

[B]

Yeah, but I know what you mean.

[A]

Yeah. There was not a. It wasn't as like. Like I don't ever remember in high school someone saying wet and us like laughing at it. No, Moist wasn't funny.

[B]

You would have. You'd see on like a 30 rock style. Office style. Maybe not the office, but like Parks and Rec. They'd be like, I'm slid off my chair. Like that would be like a normal. And in the 80s we were so wiener centric. Maybe you'd get some boner jokes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But never a lady. Do you remember? And I. I'm not just. I don't. I. I'm gonna. In fact, I'm gonna reverse it. When I was at the carnival, that's when you'd see like framed. You could win a framed photo of like a lady in a bath. Do you remember the first.

[A]

Was it a photograph?

[B]

She wasn't naked. I mean she was naked, but she had like bubbles all over her.

[A]

And it was a photograph or a caricature drawing. It was a photograph. Okay.

[B]

And I think the only thing that mattered to me. It was a five step plan. One, win that poster.

[A]

Yeah. Number one.

[B]

Two, find a new place to live. The last three steps. You know what they are? They're horrible. Like never talk to my folks again.

[A]

Yes. Moving away. Running away.

[B]

I'm curious, as someone who pretended to be straight for so long, do you remember the first T? That was my first tingle wingle. You know?

[A]

Holy.

[B]

I'm like, I'm excited at the carnival.

[A]

You know, it's so. Mine happened so late.

[B]

Like I was not so repressed. You didn't have.

[A]

So repressed that I was like. I mean, I'm trying to think. I definitely remember listening to like Selena and like artists like that and being like, why am I like really feeling this?

[B]

Just because she's a sexy lady. Does she sing about.

[A]

No, no. It was like her voice was so beautiful, but it was like it transcended just. I wasn't just thinking, oh, it's cuz her voice is so beautiful. I think I was like, there were artists like that that made me think, huh? Why am I like. Like Meredith Brooks when she sang, I was just like looking back, I'm like, I think that was more than just me being excited about that song.

[B]

This is me. Considering that the song is almost Etheridge. Lesbian style.

[A]

It is. Yeah.

[B]

Rough and like, but there was such a lack to me of awareness of that even being, like, one of the choices.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Lesbian ness was still like, a beer commercial.

[A]

Like, it was. Yeah. And it was like, gross. Like, when I was growing up, it was like, oh, your gym teacher, who's extremely butch and like, oh, I don't want to be like her. And it was like. It was all so negative.

[B]

It was really.

[A]

Yeah. And it was so. So I was like, well, I'm. But I didn't even think. Like, I had boyfriends in high school, college, and then out of college. Basically, when I started stand up is when I started to even, I think, really start to be, like, a sexual person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I honestly think I was just nothing until then.

[B]

I think. Well, could you comment on this theory that I have about queer people? And one of the reasons they make such wonderful artists is because they have this repression that's pulling back the bowstring. And once you figure yourself out, which you did, is around the time you started doing stand up.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm wondering if that informs it. There's this, like, self expression even in your identity that, like, you follow that lead and you go, like, I will now express myself on other things, on everything. Yeah, because you've done the. Not to be a leading question, but, like, you've done the scary one. So.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know this. I'm gonna tell you whatever the fuck I want.

[A]

Yeah, there is a bit of almost. It is like sort of like a mentality once you get out there and then you're just like, yeah, I will. Like, whatever I was afraid to do before. That is like you said, it is the scariest thing that you already went through.

[B]

You did the scary thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would say, by the way, just to make sure I'm not othering the queer community, I would say the same thing about. I'm thinking of somebody I know that went through a divorce, like, left a husband, and that set a momentum of, like, I'm not lying to myself. And that's very good for your art.

[A]

Yeah, that should be. That should be the parade. Should be the queer and divorce parade next. We'll become allies together. Divorce straight people, though.

[B]

And of course, it's just kind of marching very two by two and, like, to the bead and no flailing. Nothing. Nothing Flamboyant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of like housewives left there all the clothes on. Yeah, you said all the clothes on.

[A]

All the clothes on the lesbians.

[B]

When I think of the gay pride parade and this isn't gonna be. This'll be my last question about gayness.

[A]

I love it. No, I never. I feel like I never get to talk about being gay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

I should talk about it more.

[B]

Like a jukebox that I.

[A]

It's usually just me, like, in a vacuum, whatever I'm saying on stage, of course. But no one's asking me questions about it after.

[B]

Love a. Love a gay Q and A. A Q and gay. Yeah, I love a Q and gay. TM that is protected by Mo. Actually, Mo owns it because she said tm. So at the New York City, specifically the Gay Pride Parade, which we've all been inconvenienced by, Like, I'm like, the script says I'm supposed to say we've all enjoyed.

[A]

Like, wait, am I supposed to say. Okay, yeah, sorry, this is. In. The script says that. Then I'm just, like, negative immediately.

[B]

I actually find it incredibly moving. My joke. And I'm sure everyone that turned this on knew I was gonna probably say this is like, as a Christian growing up religious, I had to come out as straight. I. And I swear, there's a par. I really think there's a parallel. I can't claim the. The struggle or the journey, but I can at least relate by going, like, imagine being so proud of your sexuality, and you repress it so much. It kind of explodes in this, like, equal and opposite reaction, which is the Gay Pride Parade. But what is the lesbian. When you think of it, you're thinking of guys, right?

[A]

The Pride Parade.

[B]

The Pride Parade.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it's. I have. I. I went the last two years in a row, and I usually don't go, but then when I brought my daughter, it was really fun. She. I mean, it was, like, really fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For a kid, and she's at a nation.

[B]

It's like the same things. Unicorns. I'm not trying to be funny.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Sparkles.

[A]

It's exciting. And also, like, bar, the movie, Barbie had a float and, like. Yeah, ursula. Like, Melissa McCarthy's there. And, like, they're like, the movies. Because I think that was, like, the Ursula time when she was playing Ursula or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so there's a lot of, like, movies that come in too, and you get a lot of merch. Like, kids love. Yeah, it is. Yeah. The good, though. I mean, there are.

[B]

I just wanted to acknowledge yours as.

[A]

Well, because it was delightful.

[B]

I was too obsessed with Com. I also like that one, which is a flash.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm surprised. There is. I'm sure There is some sort of con.

[B]

Adult con.

[A]

Yeah, adult con.

[B]

There is an adult.

[A]

That seems scary for me. I don't.

[B]

Your brother's a Furry.

[A]

Yeah, my brother's a Furry. And they're not. They're weirdly not in the pride parade. That seems fun.

[B]

Is he our furries dry humping anything?

[A]

They're. They're very queer.

[B]

Oh, very queer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is me. See?

[A]

Yes. This is like, listen, I didn't know anything. Yeah.

[B]

Tell me everything.

[A]

You know, what I've learned is.

[B]

This is YouTube most recently.

[A]

What I've learned.

[B]

Well, welcome to most.

[A]

What I've learned. Yeah.

[B]

About the furry community.

[A]

I've learned so much. And by the way, my mom, so sweet. She lives in Chicago. She's. She'll make us anything. So if my daughter is like, you know, I want to be Dorothy for Halloween, we'll make the dress very good. Great seamstress. She has been making things for my brother's furry friends. Like, she's been making, like, a little vest or a backpack that's, like, big enough to go over the furry. And there is a part of me that's like, mom, I think it's gone too far. But she's very. She's that supportive.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

She's that supportive of her children.

[B]

Doesn't sound like a woman who chain smoked for, like, 11 years.

[A]

And that's 25 years.

[B]

Respect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, when you were like, I'm going to.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

With my mom, I thought she was going to be like, well, yeah, it's wonderful to see it.

[A]

Like, she's scared.

[B]

She sounds like she's been running marathons. Like, good.

[A]

Yeah, she has been.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She got. Yeah. My 16th birthday, she told me, I'm not going to smoke anymore because I bullied her so much as a child because I was like, I'm supposed to play basketball after inhaling your secondhand smoke all day long.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Eventually the bullying paid off. She quit cold turkey. That was my present. And she never went back.

[B]

Respect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyways, now she's making clothes for furries.

[B]

She should still get scanned. I hate to be that guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you smoke for that long now you bully about getting scanned every three years. I think it is.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It's nothing crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This got real serious real fast.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, wait, you're right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was just talking to her on the phone on the way over here.

[B]

Put her on the phone.

[A]

Yeah. Mom. Mom. Mary.

[B]

This was also the 80s.

[A]

She'll be there Forever. Yeah. Hey, come here, kid.

[B]

Imagine someone doing this now.

[A]

God, that is.

[B]

That's the 80s. I'm flipping a pic.

[A]

But also, that still happens.

[B]

Like, gesturing with.

[A]

This happens. Like, you know, you can be anywhere in. In a city. This still happens to. To women. Like, hey, come here. And they want to say something. Whatever it is. I don't care if it's nice or something. I was like, I don't want it. I don't. I know. I don't need whatever you're about to give me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even if it's like, hey, you have a good day. I'm like, I don't want that. I don't need that.

[B]

Or I'm psychic. And. And that money you're looking for is actually in the last place you looked. It was just underneath some leaves.

[A]

You're like, okay, well, guess I'm going back to the Midwest.

[B]

He's flipping a Peck. He's like, you don't even need to thank me. It's a gift. It's a calling. Where were we? Your mom. Cigarettes, your furries. So she'll make a vest that goes over the furry costume.

[A]

Right. She's. And I'm like, that is so supportive of your child.

[B]

Are they jizz repellent?

[A]

I hope. Mary. Are they jizz repellent?

[B]

She's spraying it with that stuff.

[A]

Yeah, she's. Oh, yeah, the stuff.

[B]

It'll get jizz off a furry vest because. Okay, now I'm gonna stop riffing because these are human beings and they have. We're.

[A]

I mean, they're human inside animals.

[B]

Right. And if we're not there yet, we're going to be by the time our kids are grown up. This will. These clips will be played that this is how backwards we were, that we didn't even.

[A]

They're like. They didn't even talk about furry. Oh, my God. There was no Furry parade even. It was before the furry parade.

[B]

Can you imagine?

[A]

Which hopefully is in the winter, because those things can get hot.

[B]

You're gonna pass out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then everyone's gonna. That's a weird joke. But I didn't say anything.

[A]

You didn't say anything is the thing. I can't. I would love. Because you're so tall that, I mean, I imagine getting a costume. So my brother's costume, it was at least $5,000, and so he saved up for it for. I mean, he was in a community. It's sort of like. I don't know if it's like Pokemon or. You know how there's an App. So you have an avatar. And so he has had his avatar knowing that he's like a dragon for a decade.

[B]

And then no costume.

[A]

But no costume because it costs $5,000.

[B]

So he's just a pre Costume Furry.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

That's what meetups.

[A]

No, they still do meetups and stuff. And there are people that don't have costumes. There are people that only have a head.

[B]

I need.

[A]

And I'll.

[B]

I need 20 minutes.

[A]

I could also really try to just say this with a straight face and be like, I'm extremely serious and have no questions.

[B]

Some only have a head.

[A]

Some only have a head.

[B]

Wait, what was the last part of that? Said, sorry.

[A]

Yeah, Some only have a head.

[B]

You could do it like a cop on the news. Some of the furries, because the costumes are cost prohibitive. Only have a head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And these are known as headies. These are known as headies. Some only have feet, like big bear slippers. Those are affordable.

[A]

Oh, my God. I had those.

[B]

Who did?

[A]

Everyone. And so. So you can actually where I asked my brother once, because it's not all sexual. A lot of it is just people that don't feel like they're in their skin. You know what I mean? They don't feel comfortable in their skin. And so they have a costume.

[B]

Okay, yeah, I'm dead. Because they have a costume to feel more comfortable. I went to see Sleeping at Last in New York, which I didn't like so. Good. Nice. Try clipping this. Eat fucking shit. Do something better.

[A]

Is that a musical?

[B]

Sleeping? No, it is good. I just didn't have a great time. I think it really depends on.

[A]

Yeah, you should still put the ticket link at the bottom of this.

[B]

There's a link. Slash weird to add 10% to your checkout. But it's a show where you go and you wear a mask. The reason I didn't enjoy it was because my hopes were as high as they could. If you saw what I thought it was going to be, you would have pulled me aside and been like, you're gonna be disappointed. I thought it was gonna be like a roaring fire and a play where people are like, welcome, everyone. I trust. We've all had our fun. You know what I mean? And I'd get pulled into a bookcase and there'd be a woman being like, when the clock strikes 11. Like, I thought it was gonna be that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And it was just a big old space where you walk around and some people are dancing, like choreographed dance. And there's a strobe light and Some boobs and some blood. But I was like. But what I did, like, was wearing a mask and walking around and being very like, I'm nothing. I'm nobody. I'm just awareness. I'm trying to be spiritual. I just mean, like, I am just an aware thing.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it wasn't about celebrity. It was about just, like, being like, no one knows if I'm smiling. And I bet, like, no joke. I bet a furry costume would be a nice break from. I bet there's a lot of autistic kind of.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That. It's like, there are a lot of autistic people, and there are a lot of people who are trans and haven't made a transition yet, but are dipping their toe in a way. Yeah.

[B]

It's a practice, and it's like a nice holding space until you decide what you want to do.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because your body's a big project. I'm not trying to be funny. It's a big undertaking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And putting on a costume would be a nice little way to be like, all right.

[A]

Yeah. It's kind of testing it out, which I appreciated. I was like, I mean, it is an expensive way to test it out. But I'm like, I. This. This really is such a stupid comparison. But sometimes in comedy, I will dress up like Larry Bird, and I will be Larry Bird for the whole show. And I used to do it a lot more, but it is. It's weirdly freeing because I'm like, there's no way. He can't be. Like, there's no way I. I am gonna bomb as Larry Bird. I don't know if that. And it's just.

[B]

You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend. That is. Do you put on a little mustache?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

And the. The jersey.

[A]

I have a jersey.

[B]

Shorts from Indiana?

[A]

No.

[B]

Is he.

[A]

Yeah, he's from French Lick. Because he's tall, blonde, awkward guy. So I did it, like, starting at, like, you know, old Town pub in Chicago and, like, you know, way way back, like, during, like, open mic days. And I was like, I'm just gonna dress up like him and do a Q A. And then I would just, like, watch his documentary a bunch and, like, learn everything I could about him so that I was never stumped when people would ask me questions. And that was me as a furry.

[B]

Yeah. For some reason, I guess because I've worked so hard to be Pete Holmes. Halloween makes no sense to me. But what you've said, like, why would I want to.

[A]

I feel the same way. I don't dress up for Halloween, right? Yeah.

[B]

It's like our whole life is Halloween. I'm in costume every day.

[A]

Yeah, we have lugged around enough costumes.

[B]

But the idea of being Larry Bird on stage is brilliant. I also find it very you and also very, very funny. But, like, you're. Who cares? I'm not having too many pop ups. What I'm saying is the fact that you didn't do bits, that people were like, larry, what was the hardest thing about perfecting your three pointer? And you tried to answer. For real.

[A]

For real. And it made it funny.

[B]

Really funny. Yeah.

[A]

And also I made it like, I know that he's like, yeah, he was, like, so good at trash talking.

[B]

He was.

[A]

But yeah, he was such a good trash talker. But he's also like a. A Christian guy who's got his wife and his kids. And, like, I know about his history, but I also know, like, the rule. The only rule I have for myself is that he's not like, my brain is gonna go like, oh, I'm gonna tell this, like, vulgar joke, you know, on stage. He's not vulgar at all. He's so Christian on stage to the point where it's just so funny for. For him to be like, now don't go and say that.

[B]

You know, it's just like, no, don't go and say.

[A]

Another comic says something is like, oh, well, now that. That's not right.

[B]

I don't know if we need to drag this into that area, but I saw. I'm gonna hit you with one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Larry Bird. That I know. I had a weird obsession. Not obsession, but. Of all the basketball players other than Michael Jordan, Larry Bird was definitely my number one. And I remember there was this moment, I guess the Celtics had just won a championship, probably saw it in a reel, and they went up to Larry and they go, larry, you just. This is a weird question, but it was. It was definitely something like this. It was like, are you gonna give any money? You just got this bonus for winning the championship. Kind of showbiz of them to know that you just got a bonus. Which this is me also considering for the first time that, like, they get.

[A]

A bonus, they get bonus, and that's why they want to win. Even in the season, they will. And also when they have sponsorships, like with Nike and stuff, I've heard that there is this thing where there's like a Performance bonuses if you do really well, basically, yeah, you get like 25 points a game, then your deal with Nike will be better. Or you're like bonuses you get.

[B]

So they're backstage being like, I got that bonus.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. So it is.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

They have to give you some incentive.

[B]

Totally. Other than just sportsmanship, I was kind of naive. I was kind of like your mom. It was very sweet. Meaning. I just watched your special, and she's very innocent. And I was just like, they just want to win because they want to be winners. Yeah, I'm sure that's part of it. So anyway, they said, are you gonna give money to any charities? And Larry Bird, who I really bought into his white bread and American cheese kind of look like that. He's a sweet, good guy. And I'm not saying he's not. They said any charities, and he went. The Larry Bird Fund. He said that with a dead face. The Larry Bird Fund. And I was in such disbelief that I thought there must be a charity called the Larry Bird Fund for, like, sick kids or something. And no, he was saying, I'm keeping the funny.

[A]

That is so funny.

[B]

I'm keeping it.

[A]

Yeah, because he. He was. I mean, he continues to be funny, but he. Yeah, he is a funny guy. And he did trash talk so much on the court, and everyone who played with him was like, yeah, he was like the worst trash. I mean, worst as in the best trash talker.

[B]

But if. If NBA players are saying that, that means he's not going like, what do you got? What do you got? That's. That's nothing, right?

[A]

He's going right.

[B]

I heard your family's having financial struggles.

[A]

Which you should listen. I always feel like in rec basketball when I'm playing, it can't be hack. I'm like, if you're gonna trash talk, it has to be original.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And, you know, knees. Look, there was one where he's like. He's like, I'm gonna play with my left hand today. He's not dominant left. He's. He's right.

[B]

So he Princess bride. It.

[A]

Yeah. He's just gonna be like, yeah, I'm gonna do this. And then embarrass him in that way. And I'm like, that's amazing. That person will never forget that.

[B]

And that's what he would do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He'd say, I'm gonna play with my left hand.

[A]

He did that with one game. I don't remember what it was, but he. There's a lot of, like. There's some great Larry Bird reels.

[B]

Imagine being so good at something. God, I. Look, I've worked really. I've done stand Up. Wow, that's miles. I've done stand up for over 20 years, and I would never before that my set go up to you and be like, you're about to watch a fucking riot. I would never say that. Even if it was like, every fan I've ever had, I'd still be like, I don't know, man. I'm not so sure. I would never be like, you're about to go home crying that I don't.

[A]

Know how this is gonna go. Well, you know what? Because I used to be Anthony Jeslenik's opener, and so his opener, Mo Welch on the road. Yeah. And he would tried. I would come, like, I would do my set, and then his line was always like, you know, I'd bring him out and then he'd be like, he thought, give it up for Mo Welch. He thought that was good. Watch this. And so that was his line every time. And it killed because it was like, everyone's like, yeah, giving the kudos. But then they're like. They're like, yeah, but he is right. He's about to murder the room. And it was his show.

[B]

Well, that is a very. I think that's a very funny joke. For what it's worth. My version of that. Matt McCarthy and I tour together. I'll say, keep it going for Matt McCarthy. If there's a door, I'll open it so they can hear. So he can hear it.

[A]

It's a joke.

[B]

Cause he's still right there. And then I'll go almost every time. I go, all right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, my joke is like, you're hurting my feelings. You like them too much. But it's a similar kind of like, this is supposed to be for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're both naming the reality that it's like.

[A]

And it is funny.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. I always loved it.

[B]

Saying the thing you're not supposed to be.

[A]

But I can't imagine going up to, like, on a real show, like, say, just some set on UCB being like, hey, like, you're never going to be able to follow that.

[B]

I. For some reason, I don't want to out the comedian. I heard stories at the seller. Sometimes very cocky comedians would say, as they're bringing the next guy up, follow that. Right, I've heard that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, what? Weren't you bullied? And that's why you're doing this. I swear, some Christian Finnegan, I've quoted him a million times, was like. And I'm not gonna say it exactly how we said it, but he was like, some comedians were the bullied and some were the bullies.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Some were just very funny bullies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm not saying they were dyed in the wool bullies.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But there's a split. And I'm definitely not the one that wants to be like, suck mother.

[A]

Watch that.

[B]

Watch this. Yeah. Because then what? What if you bomb? You could.

[A]

Yeah, you could.

[B]

But that's after you're set. Anyway, my favorite trash talk story is Neil diamond is doing some festival and they. For whatever. I actually like Neil diamond. So it's kind of easy to. On Neil Diamond. His name is Neil Diamond. But Neil diamond closes and he. He's really feeling it. And Bob Dylan is next. And he goes to the side stage. And I think he said, I want to get him just right. He goes to Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan. Neil diamond high from the stage, high from the affirmation, goes, good luck. Following that. And Bob Dylan goes. I could go out and fall asleep and follow that. Something like that. Like, all I'd have to do is go out and fall asleep. It'd be easy for me to follow that with a cat. Do you want to hear a bit? Sorry.

[A]

That better be in the new Bob Dylan movie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Timothee Chalamet doing that exact.

[B]

I could go out and fall asleep. Whoa. Yeah. Isn't it weird that we don't want Chalamet to do too hard of a Dylan? Because we love Chalamet.

[A]

So, yeah.

[B]

Just be him. So the bit I was gonna run by you and then we're gonna go by back to furries for sure. It's never worked, Mo. It's never worked. This is my impression of Bob Dylan the first time he tried to sing. And I got my guitar in tune. All right. Got my lyrics. These are good lyrics. Let's give this a whirl.

[A]

A.

[B]

It's the only time it's even come close to working. I'm so glad you laughed.

[A]

Well, it's.

[B]

That's where that joke lives in.

[A]

Well, I feel like it's such a comics joke. It's like a comics experience to go out there like. Like, do I do that all the time where I'm just like, don't improvise. Just go out and tell your first joke. Don't say anything. And then immediately out there, first joke comes in five minutes later and I'm like. And completely just like this going down.

[B]

It is a joke from a performance perspective because I think. Thank you. You see me. I feel so seen. I feel so healed by this. I really do. Because I thought people probably think it's a joke about Bob Dylan as a silly voice. And it's 30% that it's 70%. Performers are just doing their best, and.

[A]

We see it completely different. It comes out, you're like, that's not what I meant to do.

[B]

How does it feel? God damn it.

[A]

Because, you know, when the car is like, how does it. You know, it's like, if it's like.

[B]

So good in the shower.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To be on your own.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

A complete unknown.

[A]

I swear, it was so good in the shower.

[B]

Like a rolling in his mind. God damn it. Then someone comes up and was like, you saved my life.

[A]

He's like, oh, all right.

[B]

Okay. Your brother is not all sexual.

[A]

Yes. Not all sexual with my brother, but somewhat sexual.

[B]

What percentage do you think the furry community is down to? It's dry humping or.

[A]

I mean, I feel like what happens is they have their cons. They're furry cons. And they're at, like, Hilton Lax. Hilton sort of hotels. And then there are after parties, and some people are going there, and others really are not. Like, they are there for, like, might be costume proud. Like, there are different. You know, if you're a wolf, it says something about. I know that, like, foxes are supposed to be slutty. I know this. Okay. And so I think the fox.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Yeah. Okay. What. And is it any color fox or. Because I'm just saying, like, blue.

[B]

Does that mean extra horny?

[A]

Does that mean. Is that.

[B]

Because it's not in my size, but if it means extra horny, I'll take the tight.

[A]

Yeah, my. Well, my brother was. Because I said, basically, when you get these costumes made, they are made like the ones that you see and kind of look like a mascot. And you can pay extra, but you have to send it somewhere else to get a sph. Which is a suspiciously placed hole. Even though we know where the hole is going to be.

[B]

And it's not an ear hole.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This will help you here.

[A]

It's not here. Okay.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

And. And he doesn't have. He doesn't have one. And I was like, well, okay, say somebody doesn't have a hole. Because he's like, a lot of the companies won't do the hole. And sorry. Seems easy enough to just do it.

[B]

Capitalism. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, sorry, I've been wanting to.

[A]

Send this out to Canada. No U.S. factory sewing holes.

[B]

If they were on Shark Tank, they would say, you're isolating a whole market.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just charge. Never say no, just charge too much. Yeah, you say, yeah, we'll put a hole in. It's $70. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[A]

It's a pee hole.

[B]

By the way, Katie, why when you get a Beyond burger, is it $3 more? Can anyone help us? Do you eat meat?

[A]

Yeah, I actually, yeah, I saw a menu the other day and it was. It was more expensive to get the vegetarian version. Why? What is that?

[B]

Yeah, oat milk is an upcharge as well. I'm sorry, was this oat. Was this bag of oats grazing?

[A]

Yeah, it's because most.

[B]

Did you have to keep this bag of oats alive.

[A]

Most of the vegans I know are rich.

[B]

I think you've just made it a bit. I struggle with making things bits. I'm like, oh, wow, maybe I can make this a bit. And it's like you just tapped into it that they know that veganism. And I'll concede this as a pretty, not always perfect vegan, but like, there is a privilege to it. It's like, yeah, I go to Whole Foods.

[A]

Yeah, of course. Because I mean, I mean, I've been poor and you're going to McDonald's and you're getting, you know. Yeah, getting the 12 piece chicken nugget.

[B]

Chicken Uggs.

[A]

Filet, I think is disgusting. I had my first filet o fish on the road last year. I go, I'm finally going to try it.

[B]

It. The tartar.

[A]

Hated it.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know. I thought it was disgusting.

[B]

Well, I mean, it is disgusting and.

[A]

I'm just, you know, I'm in a hotel in like Tacoma too, which is disgusting.

[B]

Rough.

[A]

Yeah, Rough scene. Rough scene there.

[B]

Rough seas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like a.

[A]

What kind of fish is that? Just a square.

[B]

Square fish.

[A]

But they put cheese on it. They put American cheese and tartar sauce.

[B]

It's double, dude.

[A]

Yeah, but to put cheese on a. On fish, I don't. That's gross. Right? Oh, what else?

[B]

What else would we like in Parliament when they do the standing ovations? Of course, everyone's on their feet with the weird wigs. We're going nuts.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm not giving you. I left you hanging.

[A]

Well, no, for a second I'm like, am I crazy?

[B]

American cheese on fried fish is the most. Most insane thing no one's talking about.

[A]

Know about the cheese. And then I got. I was like, I can't. Here's the thing, it did make it better because it's gross anyway. But yeah, yeah, it is disgusting.

[B]

They know what it Is. Yeah, yeah, there's some sex comparison, but I can't do it. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, you might.

[B]

As if you're gonna do that, you might as well do it under the bleachers. You know what I mean? That's the cheese.

[A]

That's the cheese. The cheese is the bleachers.

[B]

Yeah. The motel's door doesn't lock.

[A]

But.

[B]

But look what you're doing, right? You're eating a filet of fish, honey.

[A]

So bad.

[B]

Hot riffs. So he doesn't have the hole.

[A]

Oh, yes. Okay, so my brother doesn't have the hole, but he said a lot of people will just take off the bottom of the costume and just wear the head if they want to, like, you know, maybe get down at these parties or I guess at home.

[B]

And then if you want to do oral. Now the head's off. Now you're just two people fucking with, like, two dead furries watching in the corner.

[A]

Yeah, at some point. Yeah, at some point. The heads are just on the bed.

[B]

By the way, sorry, just a specific. Your bit about scissoring and the comparison to 69 was a big laugh.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Random data. Val and I both.

[A]

That's so funny, because that was hard. Maybe the first time I ever said it on stage, I'm shocked. No, and I. Because I was like, oh, yeah, maybe that'll be funny. And then I did it dead.

[B]

I'm actually a little upset because, well, me.

[A]

That rarely happens.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no. Not really. Like, comedy upset. That, like, it's such a great line.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It should have been every show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have to say it.

[A]

Maybe I'll bring it back.

[B]

I'll bring it just so people know what we're talking about.

[A]

Oh, like. Oh, when people say that. Lesbian scissor. It's sort of like. It's a. It's like when straight people. We do it just as much as straight people.

[B]

69, full of drugs and in the beginning of the relationship.

[A]

Yeah, either. Yeah, full of drugs in the first week of being in a relationship. Because it's so true. Because you have to try it. I don't know. Yeah, you have to.

[B]

If this is weird, I'm like, not to overshare. I'm trying to think. Yeah, that's not a big move. It's. It's a. It's a bold move.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's 69. And I have to imagine scissoring is also.

[A]

Well, it's the same thing where you're like, wait, is this a thing? You know, and you go, well, I think it's a thing, like people say. I mean, obviously when you're with somebody for the first time, even with my, like, high school boyfriend and stuff, I'm sure that we did it because we're like, well, this is what you do. You're like, right. This is. This is like. This is stealing third base, going to home. You know, this is like not quite sex.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, in the middle in a pickle.

[B]

I mean, a 69 is so much more intimate than sex.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's a thou. I'm gonna say, 1,000 times more intimate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Than sex.

[A]

You can't really see what's happening.

[B]

No. Sex is like a business meeting. It's like suits, and it's a business lunch. There's a white tablecloth, and everyone's got like, hello. 69ing is like your ass up in a bumper car, drunk, crashing into goats. That's what 69ing is, really?

[A]

Because you can't. You can't turn off because something's happening to you.

[B]

No.

[A]

So you have to sort of try to get in the mood for yourself. And at the same time, you're working.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're juggling while riding a unicycle. We had a joke about 69ing in the pilot of Crashing. I'm trying to remember. It's like, I don't like. It was in the area of I don't like to do things. Two things at once.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I don't want to take a shower while I eat Chinese food or whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Very standard. Very standard. This episode is brought to us by our friends at the Perfect Gene. You guys know I love the perfect jean. They are the most comfortable, best looking, best fitting, best made, most stylish, most comfortable. I'm going to say comfortable twice. Pair of pants I've owned in my life, life, since I discovered the perfect gene. That's exactly what they are. They are perfect. They are the unicorn of pants. And I have them in every cut, every color, for premieres, for fancy nights out, and for just lounging around the house. They are amazing. And they have spared over 700, 000 pairs of nuts, meaning nuts are no longer crushed because no more stiff, unforgiving denim. They fit like they're custom made. They stretch like you wouldn't believe. They are. They have seriously massive ranges of styles with six fits from skinny to thick, thick waist sizes from 26 to 50 and lengths from 26 to 38. So it doesn't matter if you're a short king, a thick daddy or something in between. You can find the perfect fit for the body you are rocking. And for a limited time, our listeners get 15% off with our special code at ThePerfectGene NYC. And the code is. What is the code? The code is BabyBuns15 because they are as soft as a pair of baby's buns and you get 15% off. So go to ThePerfectGene NYC and get 15% off with promo code BabyBunz15. The perfect gene doesn't stop there though. They revolutionize T shirts as well. The past two specials I've taped, I'm wearing a perfect jean T shirt because they feel fantastic, they look fantastic and they fit just right. They have just enough stretch to hide that beer belly while accentuating your arms and chest for the flawless look. Soft as butter without shrinking in the wash like all your other teas. It is just perfect. So it's finally time to start. Stop scrub. Stop crushing your nuts. Sorry, that's hard to say in uncomfortable jeans. By going to the perfect gene NYC, our listeners get 15 off your first order plus free shipping, free returns and free exchanges. When you use code Baby Buns15, that's 15 off new customers at the Perfect Gene NYC with code Baby Buns15. After you purchase, tell them we sent you, support your nuts, support the show, tell them we sent you khakis and get the perfect gene. We are also, we are also very much brought to you by Living Libations. You guys know we are a Living Libations household. Living Libations makes the most high end, beautiful, natural, real ingredient health care, skin care, not health care, but skin care, eyes and teeth, nails, whatever you got in your medicine cabinet. Living Libations has a premium, effective, badass, high end and natural alternative which has ingredients that you will recognize that are safe for your body. The things we put on our skin obviously end up in our bodies by absorption and they are so toxic. If you're getting stuff at 7:11, that's blue goo and putting it all over you. It is not natural. I want to eat food and drink things that I recognize the ingredients and I want my skin care to be the same. It is incredibly effective. I love their exfoliant scrub which is the most effective exfoliant I've ever found. In the summertime we use their zinc based sunblock called Love the sun and I actually have been swimming a lot, just got out of the pool and put on their best skin ever skin moisturizer. Gift alert. This is A wonderful gift option for someone that's hard to shop for or do what Val and I did. Do a complete overhaul of your medicine cabinet and your health and beauty products, or do it slowly, one by one. This is a great way to support the show. Get something small, get something big, but support your body. Look good, feel good, and know that you're putting something natural on your teeth, on your eyes, on your babies, on your face, on your skin. Living Libations has a wonderful product to replace the random chemical nightmare you pick up at the pharmacy. So get 15 off by go to living libations.com weird. That's livinglibations.com weird. And your sister is a stripper?

[A]

Well, she's actually that. My sister is a. She does, like, pole dancing. Like, fitness pole.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But she would bring her. So she has a portable pole, and she came to visit. She came to babysit nanny our daughter in the pandemic.

[B]

Okay. And so she brought the.

[A]

From Chicago. Yeah. So she drives across country with my mom and my sister, and she puts the pole. You can be taken down. Puts the pole in there as well. Drives it across the country to Los Angeles.

[B]

What am I gonna.

[A]

Sets it up in our front yard?

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So it's like Napoleon Dynamite. It's like one of those, like, with the ball on the string. What is that called?

[A]

Oh, the tetherball.

[B]

It's like a tetherball pole. Yeah, it's a repurposed tether feather ball pole.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Does it connect to the ceiling?

[A]

That would have been a good idea. No, it's got the base. The base is really heavy. So you set up the base. Maybe it's like, in four parts, and then the pole goes up from there. So. So imagine that this is, like 50 pounds or whatever, the base.

[B]

So it doesn't, like, tip filled with water.

[A]

Yeah. It should be like a basketball hoop in your driveway.

[B]

Larry Bird. Yeah, Larry Bird.

[A]

Put some sandbags on that.

[B]

Okay. So she got upgraded for comedy. The comedy court.

[A]

She Got what It's Worth.

[B]

Approves.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. I was worried about that. I was waiting. I was waiting for the New Yorker article to come out on that. Well, hold on a second.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

She works at DePaul, so. Funny.

[B]

I'm trying to think of a micro lie that I tell on stage, because there are some where it's just. I'm a big believer. It has to be micro. Yeah, That's a micro lie. And it's for the greater good, not just your convenience. It's just, like, thematically and sort of it's still true in a sense. I don't know.

[A]

And also, you can boil it down to. I mean, like my. My sister did she. When she was out in L. A, she was doing a few events that were like, it wasn't fitness poll. She was like, at an opening of. Or whatever and people are throwing cash and it is like, yeah, it's still performing. It's not in a strip club. But I'm like, I can't explain all of that before this joke.

[B]

Right. That's exactly what I mean.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm saving. It's like when somebody goes, do you really want to know? Like when you're talking to someone and you're like, wait, you cobbled shoes. What was that?

[A]

Right?

[B]

Do you really want to know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, thank you. I don't at all.

[A]

I love. That's a really. I mean, it's a good lesson in comedy to save the audience from all of that boring shit.

[B]

That's what comedy is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Someone who went, I've had this conversation, this one sided conversation so many times that I've actually steam cleaned those moments out for your pleasure.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because it sucks. And when you tour a lot, I wonder. I. Sometimes my tolerance to listen to someone tell a bad story goes out. Or even listening to someone else's special. Sometimes I'll just be like too much in my own terminator mode where I'm like, why did you. I'll do it with Facebook posts.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Someone was like, I just found out that I really helped this one friend. I actually helped two friends. I'm sorry, in the middle of the post, you realized it was two friends.

[A]

Yeah. Delete.

[B]

Delete. I helped two friends delete.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's my comedy brain. Yeah. It's just work brain. So the other thing that. Am I cutting you off?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Your mom saved you from a tornado. These are the things that stood out in the special that I want more dates.

[A]

Well, what's interesting. Okay. So we lived in the country and you saw in the. The special where when I was sitting down in that field or whatever, they knocked down my house and. Yeah. So many animals.

[B]

One bathroom.

[A]

One bathroom and outhouse people. There were seven people.

[B]

Seven people.

[A]

And all those cats and the dogs and all the pets. So many pets. Bunny, bunny, hamster, parakeet.

[B]

People that struggle with space not being classes often compound the issue with pets.

[A]

Yeah. I have a joke about this is in my new hours. How many pets? Poor people love pets. They love pets. Little pets. Poor people. Love little pets.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I said it.

[B]

Poor people love little pets.

[A]

I stand by that.

[B]

And they. I'm. Yes. Anding. I'm now covered in. Yes.

[A]

And great.

[B]

I'm clean. But, like, picking up little turds. They love it.

[A]

Guinea pigs. Yes.

[B]

I.

[A]

Wood chips on the clothes.

[B]

Skating on the what?

[A]

Wood chips on the clothes.

[B]

I'm dead.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was working for the longest time. I don't think I'll ever do it. I was like, the very, very rich and the very, very poor have a lot in common. The funniest one is they both have a lot of kids.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Rich people are like. And this is maximum number nine. I'm talking about very rich.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And, you know, very poor. They also have more than one car. Like, very poor people always have, like, seven cars.

[A]

You're so. It's so. Right. It's just the placement of the car.

[B]

Yes. Does it run, everyone?

[A]

No.

[B]

Is there grass going through it?

[A]

Like the rich. The rich have the cars that are covered. They're in a covered garage.

[B]

Well, they're in a marble garage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like a showroom. And the poor, they're just in the yard. And, like, one of them doesn't run. You have to push it to get the other one out. They're not sure of that.

[A]

It's the same junkyard.

[B]

Yeah, but people are people is what I'm saying.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We want the same stuff. And both of these groups are kind of going. And in the middle, the other one is access to nature. Because where you grew up, a lot of nature.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The middle has a hard time getting nature.

[A]

That's so true.

[B]

When you're in the middle, you're kind of, you know, you're fucking grinding.

[A]

I feel like you should bring this back.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

So relatable.

[B]

I feel like you get it because of how you grew up. I feel like. I mean, I feel like you could have this premise. Because when I do, it doesn't it just feel like a guy being like something I've noticed growing up. Pretty comfortable. Yeah. But nature. And then you were saying.

[A]

Oh, yeah. So my. So we lived in this little. We lived outside of a town. The town has 350 people in it.

[B]

Pardon?

[A]

The town.

[B]

Pardon.

[A]

Right.

[B]

There's a good percentage of this town.

[A]

Yes. And I guess we were in town limits, but we were a mile outside of that town.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So we're really, you know, in the country.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there was a tornado. It's really scary in Illinois. Sometimes I forget about it because I'm out Here. And it's like, you can't really pre. It's not like the sirens are going off and, oh, an earthquake might be coming. It's like the anticipation of a tornado is terrifying.

[B]

Was real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How much heads up do you get? How much heads up does a tornado. Is a tornado like pirates? Does it fly a flag and say, we'll be here in 45 minutes, or does it just happen? I know nothing about NATO.

[A]

So what you do is you see the clouds kind of like are funneling, you know, you see this? It's really pretty.

[B]

I'm gonna raise my hand because I don't like it.

[A]

It goes like this.

[B]

So they start to scalactite.

[A]

It kind of looks like a bat cave, you know, it's. And you're going like that. Is that one gonna cut? I mean, I. This is me as a child, so I'm. I'm. That one gonna come off.

[B]

Come off is the lingo.

[A]

No, that's not the lingo.

[B]

I'd like to know.

[A]

Yeah, but I did just watch Twisters and the. And then the weather gets really scary. It gets super dark. So it could be like 3pm super dark. It's hot. All of a sudden, it's cold. It's hailing. Okay. This is what's happening before a tornado. Then the alarm goes off and interjection.

[B]

You're. You're killing me right now. I'm like. My hands are sweaty and I don't like it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did they capture this in Twisters?

[A]

I think so. Yeah.

[B]

They did an okay job.

[A]

And in Twister, which I loved as a prequel. The prequel. The prequel.

[B]

Prequel to Twister.

[A]

They should have made that.

[B]

Yeah, they should make that Twister also.

[A]

Twister. More than one tornado in that movie. I think that's what they were realized the mistake was.

[B]

Yeah, that was the fatal flaw in that movie that made like $700 million. Didn't it do really well?

[A]

I mean, speaking of, like, childhood, like, Helen Hunt in that movie for me was like, I don't know if I attracted to her or. Yeah, she did. Am I a lesbian? Or is she. Do I just want to wear that white tank top?

[B]

I'm going to say something. Let's play a game.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm going to say something about Helen Hunt, and you see if you agree. I guess you could just say it's called a conversation. But for some reason, it feels worthy of stepping out as it's a game.

[A]

Game, game show.

[B]

First of all, people that love hell, I find Helen Hunt to be lovely. Are My kind of people.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

I just love it.

[A]

Great. Like people who know her personally.

[B]

No, no, no. Just.

[A]

Just love her. Okay, great.

[B]

Physically, just go like. Yeah, Helen Hunt.

[A]

Great. I agree with that.

[B]

I love it. But it's a type. It's like, there's. It says something about you. If you. And I'm not. This isn't code for she's not attractive. She's attractive. But if you're like, I like that. I understand a lot more than just you like. And then the other thing I was gonna say is she's kind of like. She's sort of a handsome woman. I don't know how else to say it. Yeah, she's beautiful, but there's a quality that's like a painting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little bit like the woman with the pearl necklace.

[A]

She looks like Lili Sobieski as well.

[B]

Sobieski. Yeah. This is what I mean. It's a type. Helen Hunt is such a type that once we got Sobiesqued, we were like, there's another one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why it says a lot about you. If you're like, I. With that.

[A]

Right. I get what you're saying. I think that there is a. Like, I don't. In my little town, if a woman that beautiful was in the town, it would. Town news. But I really appreciate a relatable factor.

[B]

Relatable? Well, as good as it gets when she's in Queens just waiting tables. I buy it.

[A]

Mad about you. She's funny. She's a wife. She's cracking jokes as a wife.

[B]

Mad about you. Are you nuts? I'm just excited.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Yes. Yes. But relatable. But you're so right. But, you know, once you put Halle Berry and Monster's Ball, I'm like, get the out of here. You know what I mean? There's two. But that's never been my cup of tea. This is what it says about you.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

If you like an interesting face, which I do.

[A]

Wait, okay. Maybe I can. So, NSYNC Backstreet Boys.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Obviously huge when I'm during this tornado phase. Same. Same era, right? Yeah.

[B]

The lower tornadoes, the low tornadoes coming.

[A]

Down to get us.

[B]

Gets dark. Suddenly it's hailing.

[A]

It's hailing. And. And, you know, right before my last breath, before the tornado is coming, who am I? If somebody says you can be with one NSYNC member.

[B]

Help me remember to be with. There's Joey Fatone.

[A]

Joey Fatone.

[B]

There's Lance.

[A]

Lance Bass.

[B]

Lance bass.

[A]

Justin Timberlake. J.C. chavez.

[B]

J.C. what? What does he look like he's kind of a pretty boy?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He was like, kind of like, I'd say like second cutest. Chris Kirkpatrick. Is that right?

[B]

Okay, which one's Chris?

[A]

Yeah, he had dress.

[B]

Oh, Chris is.

[A]

Okay. So this is what I'm saying.

[B]

Look, I. I'm not trying to drag Chris. I'm saying Chris looks like he won a contest or something maybe.

[A]

And it. The ones in the.

[B]

That's mean to say. I'm just saying you have these bubble guys.

[A]

Listen, they know this. They know they became funny or did whatever they needed to do to fit in.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

But those guys.

[B]

Joey Patone knows his last name is Joey Fatwood. Come on.

[A]

Right?

[B]

These guys have.

[A]

And you know what he did? Comedy. He was in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

[B]

Right, exactly. So who's the fat one now?

[A]

So, yeah. So that you would. Let's call them the most attainable person in the boy band.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is the one that I'm picking, which I know that's not the same as Helen Hump, but I'm like, I already know everybody wants Justin Timberlake in this time. I'm picking somebody who's going to be more available.

[B]

You're picking that one?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's his name again?

[A]

Chris Kirkpatrick.

[B]

Chris Kirkpatrick.

[A]

Is that his name? Kirkpatrick?

[B]

Even his name is available.

[A]

Wait, where was Howie Mandel? Was he in. He was in Backstreet Boys.

[B]

Howie Mandel?

[A]

No, not Howie. Howie. Howie Mandel. Howie, the guy. Howie. God.

[B]

I know what you mean.

[A]

I used to have this guy on my wall.

[B]

Oh, Howie D. You're making me like the guy in 98 degrees that married Jessica Simpson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not saying these aren't good looking people. I'm saying they're so good looking. I don't even know where to park my boat. So I want to. I want. With Helen Hunt. She's like, do you want coffee? I don't have any creamer. But we have coffee.

[A]

Yeah. He's sort of Drew Lachey, which is Nick's brother. And also in 98 degrees. Exactly. It's the person where you're like, it's elite. It's. It's. I don't know. It feels off the beaten path.

[B]

It feels like something special, though, is so. He's just done a lot of work. I know he had the dui. We're gonna put that to one side. Who cares? Not. Who cares, Please don't drink and drive. But putting that to one side. He's done so Much work. He's funny. You know what I mean? He sort of found I might go Timberlake right now.

[A]

Well, yeah.

[B]

Just in sync. I was like, no way. That's like a little Michael Jackson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now I'm like, no. We could talk about trolls, right?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, of course, as time goes on, I don't know if it's gonna be Chris for me.

[B]

Yeah. Kirkpatrick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now you might go Timberling.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I mean, I was never going like, Baby Spice or Posh Spice. I was going Sporty Spice, of course, because I was like, she's a lesbian. Turns out she's not, but whatever, right?

[B]

I. Ginger Spice is so much.

[A]

A lot of people like Ginger. This is my youth.

[B]

Would you comment again? You said you didn't talk a lot about gayness. There's the gayness. That. That's the real gayness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then there's like, male perception of lesbian.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And to me, I'm like, sporty Spice is just too. No disrespect. I'm just saying it's. I want. There's no curves. There's nothing going on. I would think, and then I get involved, that a lesbian would have a crush on Ginger Spice.

[A]

Right. But maybe you see your, like, I saw myself as, like, part of it is wardrobe. When you're a kid and you're like, she's wearing Adidas, like, Adidas pants, Adidas tracksuit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to wear what she's wearing.

[B]

Yeah, I get it.

[A]

That's up. I'm just trying to.

[B]

Is it date.

[A]

Date myself now?

[B]

No, you're seeing yourself represented as right. And I've always wanted to be. This is going to sound weird or maybe pandering, but I've thought it a million times is like, I've wanted to be, like, a brassy broad. Like, I know broad isn't a great. But that captures the spirit. And all of my acquiring of talent was just trying to be as alluring as just kind of like a bam.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Lady, like, with a cigarette and big red hair and just like, what's that? Like, that's what I want.

[A]

I've been trying to be Jessica Rabbit all these years.

[B]

My hand is up. I became Roger so I could feel like Jessica.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But at the end of the day, I'm the investigator. I didn't like that guy. He seemed too real.

[A]

It was scary.

[B]

He was scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not just. Well, I'm clearly making this association because I just watched your thing, but he has an energy similar to your dad.

[A]

My dad is that. You know, that last scene, my dad. You know, for people that don't know, I hadn't seen him for 20 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I saw him for the first time. And that was one. Obviously. I mean, I'm sure, you know, but it's like it was one take, so it's like you are seeing the only stuff that we got. And in the nerves that, like, people are like, you can feel it, like. And I can't even watch it because I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I did that. It's so nerve wracking to watch. We were so real.

[B]

We were freaking out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We were not chill.

[A]

And it was very like, he looks obviously like, you know, January 6th sort of dude in that moment. And you're like, this guy's scary.

[B]

Like, I thought that when he was wearing. I'm afraid of your dad. So I'm saying this with full respect, but why it was so unsurprising that he was wearing an American flag shirt.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I was like, when did this happen? When did like brutal, like ass kicking, like, under armour is a division of the army all of a sudden.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? And like. And the flag means. Fuck you. That's what the flag means. And the Punisher logo gets merged with the flag. And. And like the tattered flag, the black, like a black. All black. Like, when did we. The badassery.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which used to be. Where was that?

[A]

Like, it feels like you're right because it's. I was just watching the bike riders. Right? Is that right? It was like, it's that movie with Austin Butler. It's about like a motorcycle gang.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I think it was in the 60s. And you're like, you're not seeing the flags yet on the motorcycles and you know, so I. I am curious to know when that became a symbol of like, toughness. Why am I afraid of the American flag?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I'm 45. I've had different react to the flag. And I'm not even talking about my interpretation. I'm talking about how it was framed. The flag. My mom's an immigrant. She'd talk about seeing the Statue of Liberty and the flag. So it was like hope and a future and freedom and like, I sound so corny right now, but I'm not trying to be corny. It was like, come one, come all, a place for you. We'll hear it. We disagree. But look at these colors. They're so primary. But we still. And then like around the Gulf War, it started to become like, these colors don't run well. 9, 11, 11.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think we're on to something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If we were Malcolm Gladwell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We would cut this out and just do a six part series and it would be elegant and it'd be like.

[A]

Rudy Giuliani was like a big role in this somehow.

[B]

Somehow. Well, that's the cliffhangered, episode three. Somehow it all comes down to Rudy Giuliani.

[A]

Then he's just. His face is melting. And then find out more in episode four.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And now when I. Sometimes when I see the flag, it's. It'll. It'll spook me a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that seems to be the intent, which I'm like, yeah, like when I feel like when your dad's wearing an American flag shirt, he's not saying, like, isn't democracy incredible? Look at what we've done. No, he's saying, if you punch me, I'll kill you.

[A]

Yeah. I think, I think there's always a way to take it back. And it's. I mean, it's unfortunate, but it's true. It's like if everybody were like, oh, everyone, like literally every gay person in America just wear the American flag at all times, like, we would solve that problem. Because this people are so afraid of.

[B]

Yeah. And do pickup trucks come in other colors than white? It's like a white pickup truck with an American flag. But you know what's upsetting about that for me is I don't like, and I'm not talking about the Illuminati, I don't like that culture has monetized and compartmentalized. It's a truck, it's a market. You are research. The F150 research and you're marketed.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They trend it. They go this group and then they sell it to you. And at the end of the day, had nothing to do with anything. In the same way that whatever the Tesla or the Prius is being modeled or marketed to me. And I just don't like that we've all bought it hook, line and sinker. And going back to the toothpick flipping 80s, I feel like there was more room for like, I drive a Saab 900, remember?

[A]

Right. Like, oh my God, what the does.

[B]

That say about me? Yeah, like, you don't know.

[A]

I don't want my car really to say anything about me. I guess it's. And they don't give you room.

[B]

They're like, no, they all say something.

[A]

Now listen, I don't think Subaru was ever really marketing to lesbians. I just think we took it and we ran because. And now I feel like I just don't want to go. I basically don't want to be pigeonholed. And it's too easy for me to get a Subaru, and I. So I won't get a Subaru because I don't want to be seen as. The reason I got a Subaru is because I'm gay.

[B]

But. Okay. I'm not saying any of us are rubes, by the way. You buying a Subaru would be exactly what we're talking about.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

The idea that a corporation takes out a page, like, when I'm in fucking Texas and there's a billboard that says Coors Light, the official beer of the Dallas Cowboys. I'm just so aware that whatever their rival is, there's a billboard in their town that says Coors Light, the official of the Chicago Bears, whoever it is. And that's kind of the whole thing.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They don't really care. And if they. This is not headline news. I'm just saying if they can. If Subaru. There was a meeting where they realized that there was a trend, for whatever reason, the ring of keys, MacGyver appeal of a Subaru. It. There's something feminine and handy. I'm not trying to be funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they were like, we're seeing the skew.

[A]

But what I'm saying is I don't know if they really. Unless I'm wrong, I feel like they didn't. I feel like we did it to ourselves. Like. Because, I mean. And this is just based on my personal experience of trying to get. I test drove a Subaru, and the guy was like, such an. The. The car dealer and the salesman. The car dealer. The car dealer guy. Yeah. He. He was such an. He smelled like cigarettes, and he was like. He had two. My wife and I were both in the car, and I was like, literally all you have to do is like, let us drive this around. And he was such an. During the process that I was like, I'm not buying the Subaru from this person. And then I didn't buy Subaru.

[B]

What did he do?

[A]

He was just like. So he just felt like sometimes people just feel homophobic. And whether they are or not, he felt it. And he was just, like, so short with us.

[B]

Look, the joke writes itself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A Subaru dealer doesn't like lesbians.

[A]

Yeah. It's probably just this guy. Maybe he had a bad day. But I was like, shouldn't you just be like rolling out the red carpet for us right now.

[B]

Carpet joke. Yeah, we'll put a pin there. We'll come back to the carpet. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Every January brings you 365 blank, fresh new pages. And this is 2025. Maybe you are ready for a plot twist. Maybe there's an area or part of your story that you've been wanting to revise. Life isn't about trite, shallow resolutions that fade away by February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your very own life. Think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story you deserve to live. I certainly believe that therapy has been so clutch in both my life and Valerie's life. It still is. It's a huge part. Talk therapy, I always say, is greater than the sum of its parts. Talking with a trained professional helps. It's not just venting. It is healing. It is medicine, in my opinion, and it makes a huge difference. So if you've been waiting, BetterHelp is a great way to get started. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. You can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credited therapists with a wide range of specialties, and you can even switch that therapist anytime at no additional cost. So write your story with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo today to get 10% off your first month. Month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com weirdo. Be sure to tell them that you made it weird with Pete Holmes sent you. Help the show, help your life. Get out there and have a great new year. We're also brought to us by our friends at Ritual, the multivitamin and the probiotic that I have sworn by for years, and guys specifically, we need to get this in our systems. According to the cdc, fewer men than women meet the minimum daily intake recommendation for fruit and veg, and men are more likely to overvalue exercise and undervalue nutrition. Well, enter Ritual, a multivitamin scientifically developed for men to help fill nutrient gaps in their diets. My ritual routine is always the same. I start on an empty stomach, even on days I'm fasting, because as a delayed release capsule, which means it's not going to break down in my stomach. It's going to break down in my lower intestine, where it can actually be absorbed and it won't make me feel nauseous on an Empty stomach, which is huge. I also take their symbiotic plus their pro, they're pre, their pro and their postbiotic all in one. Not only do these things fill those gaps in my diet. As a mostly vegan, I have a lot of gaps in my diet and my blood work comes back aces because this gap filling thing also giving my biome, my microbiome in my stomach, my second brain in my belly, everything that it needs to thrive, I take it with me constantly. I never, never, never miss a day. This is one subscription. I have never snoozed. I've never snoozed because I Never miss it. 10 key nutrients in 2 delayed release capsules per day designed to dissolve later. As I said in the small intestine, gentle on an empty stomach. They're rigorously tested. They are vegan, non GMO project certified gluten and major allergen free certified B corp and made traceable. Essential for men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. And you can get 25 off your first month for a limited [e-mail] weird. That's ritual.com weird. And you will get that, that wonderful, wonderful discount. 25 off. I lost. I couldn't hold it in my brain. 25% off. Ritual.com weird. Great way to start the new year. Get it in your body. Support the body, support the show. So tornado scalactite from the sky.

[A]

Yeah. And so we. The. The alarm had already gone off.

[B]

What does it sound like? Is it like.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And you can hear it from a mile out. Like I think it happens at the water tower. There's a big blue water tower, you know, that says the town name on it.

[B]

Nowhere.

[A]

Or this one. Armington.

[B]

Oh, are you from nowhere?

[A]

Normal.

[B]

Normal. That's right.

[A]

Which is nowhere.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

Yeah, keep going. And we saw the tor. I didn't see the tornado. My sister and my mom saw the tornado. They were on the front porch, they see the tornado and then my mom and her just start running. I'll never forget, my sister's a baby. And so she's in the high chair and she's eating a ice cream. We just pull her out.

[B]

Twisty cone.

[A]

It was like a. It was like a schwann man. It was like an ice cream sandwich.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. So usually you take the, with the highchair. You take the tray off with like going under and clipping it off. Yeah, we just pull her out and then we go down in the cellar. My mom recently told me this, so we had a cellar. We've never been there. The whole time we lived there, we've never been in the cellar. What my mom did was put the heaviest dresser in front of it. She was afraid that one of us would fall down the stairs. Yeah, there's a door, but she didn't want us going in there. She puts the heaviest, tallest dresser in front of the door. And then when she comes in, I just. She pushed. It was so heavy. She just pushed. Like mama bear, sort of like, you know, parent energy, when your child's in danger, pushes it. And all of us who are just like, mom, we love you so much. We love you so much, just go, like. Like, we're all gonna die. We're not. Didn't come close to our house. But the. Then we go down to the cellar.

[B]

I know. I am just kidding.

[A]

We're fine. No, you're supposed to say that at the end. Yeah, yeah, we're totally fine. We're, like, such idiots for thinking in this moment.

[B]

I like the way you told it.

[A]

So then we go down the stairs.

[B]

Mama bear's strength. You go downstairs.

[A]

We go downstairs. And my mom was like, that was the first time I've been out there, so I didn't know what was down there. Was all these. It was like, cans of vegetables, and people had canned vegetables at some point, whoever lived here.

[B]

Not you guys.

[A]

No, it was, like, from years ago. It was probably like, thank God.

[B]

You had to find out. Are these still good, right? Crunching on some okra.

[A]

And she's like, there was water on the floor of the cellar. And then we had, like, the light on. She was like, oh, my God. I thought we were gonna get electrocuted down there. And I'm just like, what a nightmare having all these kids.

[B]

You're such a mom that. That was your punchline.

[A]

It's.

[B]

And what a hard thing to have five kids.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, you think if it's one, you stand on the stairs at least.

[B]

Yeah. My wife Val and I. Who says hello, by the way.

[A]

Hello, Val.

[B]

I was waiting for her to reply.

[A]

Guess she doesn't give a shit about you.

[B]

Guess she's being rude. We also are having one child. And when you said the thing about your wife seeing you having the baby, she's gonna have the second one and being like, no. Yeah, I get that. So hard. Because after we decided to have one, you then allow yourself to say things like that.

[A]

Did you decide after you had the baby or kind of before.

[B]

Yeah. Lilo. We tried for a while, and it Was kind of a bumpy road. And then we were like. That made us question and have a big conversation about it. And then we decided. We were like, okay, let's have one. And then after you say, let's have one, you go like, I'm so glad, because this is going to sound insane. Meaning it's like I'm sidling up to your struggle as someone who gave birth. But I was like, it's so scary just watching someone you love. And by the way, everyone who's pregnant who's listening, you will be fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it is a scary. And it's frightening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And when you can't help, there's a special kind of, like, impotence to.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Where you're just, like, watching. And Val is like, a comfort person. And I'm like, I can't. I can get a nurse for you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I can get the anesthesiologist. How are you? You're feeling good about the one or whatever?

[A]

Well, yeah. I mean, that's the thing is, like, when you like Sam, it's part of the reason Sam, originally, my wife, Sam, did want to have another baby. She wanted to also give birth. And, like, it was. We had talked about it, and it was like an experience both of us wanted. And I always knew that I wanted that experience. So I. I go first because I'm a few years older than her, and I was like, okay, yeah, I'll do it first, and then she'll do it second. And then, really, she saw the experience, and she was like, you're the strongest person I know. And that would. And watching you be in so much pain and stuff. And honestly, I had a great pregnancy, great birth. But, like, even the most standard. She was like, I can't do this.

[B]

There's a reason why in the Adam and Eve story, God is like, and I'm gonna up childbirth. Like, we needed a myth to be like, what is this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know if you remember that.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

The curse of. Of getting kicked out. And they're like, and from now on, it'll suck to have kids.

[A]

Because it needed a curse that's also population control. You're like, you can't just have it be so easy.

[B]

Oh, my God, what a brilliant design that is.

[A]

Hey, that guy knew what he was doing.

[B]

Hey, if you got pregnant from a handshake and it just popped out, right. Everyone. Everyone would be wearing gloves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not just oj. Timely. Okay, so. And you feel good about the one. How old is your baby?

[A]

She's five.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know ours were close.

[A]

Yeah, I think I did know, actually. Yeah, they were in a little music class together right before the pandemic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like maybe one class. And then it was like, right as the pandemic was happening. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So cute. Another lesbian.

[A]

They're everywhere.

[B]

Do you ever get that straight flexes where I'm like, oh, yeah, my other lesbian friends and.

[A]

Oh, you know what we're doing right now, actually, we're doing the private school interviews, you know, and tours with. For our kid and the first thing, because they kind of know. I mean, obviously they know when we show up, but it is just like Sam and Mo on there. It's kind of confusing with the names. Okay.

[B]

So you're only gonna find out if they're prejudiced after you get there.

[A]

Yeah. And we sit there.

[B]

Samantha.

[A]

Yeah. Samantha and Maureen. Come on in.

[B]

Yeah. Salmon Mo.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I didn't even realize. Of course. It sounds like two men.

[A]

Yeah, it could be two men. Could. Yeah.

[B]

Two ladies. Could be one on one.

[A]

Right? And two furries. You don't know.

[B]

Two furries with no hole.

[A]

Yeah. Just getting furries.

[B]

Scissors. Guys, it ruins the.

[A]

For real. It's like, there's enough tools. Okay. So we're doing these interviews and. And you see how. How quickly it is brought up and it's. It.

[B]

Lesbianness.

[A]

Oh, it's very sweet.

[B]

Like how quickly they kind of show their.

[A]

Let me. Let me tell you, everyone I know who's a lesbian. Or let me show you how. This school is extremely progressive. And I'm like, I want to hear if, like, a shooter is going to be able to get in. Okay. Like, you don't know me. I'm full of fear.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't care that you're down with the lesbians.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd like to know where the metal detector is going.

[A]

Right. I was like, listen, she. Oh, all. You know, and it's great, but it's like, like, you know, there's like so much. So much about, like, gay friendly and all that. I was like, it's fine. She's getting that at home. She can see all of it. Like, I just need to know that we're safe.

[B]

Homophobia. If you guys have any.

[A]

If we're going to give it the real world, you know what if your school.

[B]

You go to a school that's so progressive, they have a room where there's an actor who plays another just so they can kind of get a taste. Yeah. He's like two moms that's it.

[A]

And. But like, comedians we know were hired to write jokes about it.

[B]

Yes, we could do that. We are almost out of time because I have to leave at 5:30. But I've loved every moment. Samesies, samesies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Add because that's why we're vibing real good, right?

[A]

I. I don't know. I. Yeah, we don't probably.

[B]

Yeah, it's probably.

[A]

We don't know. Have you gotten tested? Should we get tested?

[B]

Yeah, but, yeah, I can't focus on a date. No, I. I just find that the sort of rapport that we have is uniquely. This is my diagnosis. I'm diagnosing you. But I don't even have it. I have the symptoms of it.

[A]

Right. I was gonna kind of like, you're not from the Midwest, right?

[B]

No, I look like it though.

[A]

But yeah, like, I mean, I think I rapport like this always comes from a Midwesterner with me. And so you have like a Midwest vibe.

[B]

I enjoyed my time there. I started Chicago. Yeah, it's comedy in Chicago.

[A]

You left before me.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you mentioned a venue that I had been at.

[A]

Old Town Pub.

[B]

Old Town Pub.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I've had the song Old Town Road in my head since you said that. So when I was listening to your special, I was listening to it because we were driving here, but I would look over when your dad was on. It was a driving hazard. And Val, like closed captioning, but for the visually impaired. She would be like. And now she's walking around.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

I didn't ask her to do it.

[A]

She wore the dress. She wore the red dress.

[B]

I actually saw the dress. Yeah, it was a nice dress.

[A]

It's a nice dress.

[B]

And I saw the motorcycle. I saw all the key stuff because there's a lot of traffic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is what I wrote down. Oh, we didn't get to a teen alcoholic. This is the acronym I wrote down. Stripper, military fans, tornado.

[A]

I can't believe you can remember that just from writing the.

[B]

Yeah, this is it, man. And then furry. So asmtf. And we got to F S. We didn't cover M. We covered T. We didn't cover A. And we also have to talk about the meaning of life. So I'll give it to you. We could talk about any sort of spiritual leanings, kind of like you get the full experience. Or if that's uncomfortable for you, we could talk about being a teen alcoholic.

[A]

No. You know, that was something in my set. I wasn't really A teen alcoholic, but I drank a lot. And that was the one thing in my special that I was like, oh, I kind of regret saying that because a couple people that asked me, and I'm like, oh, my God, no, I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to be the face of this. I just drank a lot with my friends.

[B]

I see.

[A]

I changed the joke, though. Now it's. Now I say, like. And I became a comedian. Like, I'm a clown because of that.

[B]

Okay. I thought, like, shots before class, kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, good. I'm glad. That's a relief.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And do you really have military fans?

[A]

I do. I don't know why.

[B]

And you really don't know.

[A]

I really don't know why. Well.

[B]

And it's not that they think you're pretending to be a lesbian. That's just a joke that.

[A]

No, I've had that. There's been times after shows where people are like, is that all true? Are you. Like, you're not really gay, are you? And this is, like, years ago, but. But in. In a way where I'm like, you.

[B]

Don'T have, like, spike terror, I guess.

[A]

Yeah. And you're, like, going around the country to places who, like, people don't. You know any. At the time. They're like. They don't even know any out lesbians.

[B]

Right, right. Interesting. So do you have. I mean, here we are, alive and aware in. In Outer space. Any framework for that?

[A]

For the military?

[B]

No, we're done with that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've just left that away.

[A]

I was like, military. I was like. I don't have a lot of opinions.

[B]

No, no, that's gone. That's just interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just a fun little tidbit. No, for like, do you think when you die it's the end? Do you think there's a meaning to life?

[A]

I think, unfortunately, and I'm so okay with this, that I think it's the end. And I don't really think there's a meaning.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah. And in it, I'm not existential about it.

[B]

You know, I heard that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Put the people get worried. I don't get worried. I look for what it's worth, that worldview, which is an unafraid worldview, and I'm paraphrasing your experience, but at home in a meaningless, chaotic place.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Is the same destination of a mystic or a monk. It's a unafraid at home at one atonement, at one mint with reality.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So you're having. Not that you need to be. But from my perspective, being sort of, like, surrendered a very spiritual idea to what is. Which is. I don't see any meaning, and I don't think there's anything going on here. But then that expresses itself in your life as peace. That's a deeply spiritual idea.

[A]

Yeah, it is an ex. It's. It's an acceptance of, like, in. In my special. I went to the cemetery that I used to hang out in as a child, and right before I was confirmed in church, I remember being like, oh, like, it just kind of, like, hit me and I go, oh, I don't actually believe any of that. Like, because there was that girl in my town who died who was like. Seemed to have it all. And I was like, oh, I don't think that there actually is a thing. And, like, I never. I. I wasn't, like. I didn't struggle with.

[B]

I've heard a lot of stories like that.

[A]

Yeah. Where I was just like, oh, okay. That's. That's how. That. That's. That's what that is.

[B]

And it's not for me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I don't buy it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I never bought it. Yeah. But the way you're going around the world is. Is at peace. Yeah, I know.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, I have, like. I definitely have, like, major fear. And sometimes they'll just be like, oh, my God, I hope that. You know, I hope. I mean, that'd be cool if there was something. I just don't. Can't convince me unless I'm there. And where you're like, told you. You know, like.

[B]

Told you.

[A]

Told you.

[B]

I've mentioned it a million times. But we did a sketch. We did these series of sketches called heaven, and I'm St. Peter. And my favorite one was Matt McCarthy is. You know, everyone dies and they show up at the pearly gates. And my favorite one was a guy, it's Matt, and he's just going, I knew it. I knew it. And he's gloating. He's like, I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I didn't swear. They all made fun of me, but I knew it. Like, he's kind of. And then I, of course, send him to hell because he sucks.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

But the idea of gloating, or the idea of you being in heaven and being like, all right.

[A]

Be like, all right, you got me, man. You guys were right.

[B]

We are right.

[A]

And I didn't believe it. We didn't even get to comics. But I was. Because I. Oh, New Yorker. To the New Yorker and. But at one of my. One of my. One of them that didn't get in.

[B]

Rejected comic about rejected comics.

[A]

I've got a bunch of them, but one of them is just a guy. It's. It's like a God. And, you know, there's like, a few humans or whatever, and there's just a God, and they can see him, and he has a goatee, and the caption is just like, I just don't think I can believe in a God with a goatee.

[B]

Perfect New Yorker.

[A]

You're like, yeah, you're right. Like, if the guy had that goatee that we were talking about before.

[B]

Yeah. The very thin one.

[A]

Yeah. You'd be like, I'm not.

[B]

No. The beard gets it coming and going. You look like you've just been living on the road, and you look manly. It's fit. Like, that's why the mustache is the ultimate choice, and that's why it kind of looks. It can look a little silly. Tell me your other. This is a great way to end your other favorite rejected New Yorker cartoons, because I used to get my feelings hurt.

[A]

Do you have one that you can remember?

[B]

Oh, hundreds.

[A]

Yeah. I love your comics, though.

[B]

Do you contribute?

[A]

Do you draw at all? Okay.

[B]

I still like to draw. I'm doing a kid's book, so I really like drawing and getting back into that. But, like, the first one was two avocados, and one has eyelashes, so you can see it's a lady avocado. And she's saying, they're having a fight. So many of my comics were mid fight, something I got from Bruce Eric Kaplan, who I really admire. And she's saying to the other avocado, what do you mean? I'm the good kind of fat? And I just think that's a perfect.

[A]

That's so funny. It's so funny.

[B]

It's a perfect cartoon.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

That's one of the reasons I stopped doing it was this attitude that I'm demonstrating right now was. I was so certain.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because a New Yorker cartoon is like your goatee thing. It's like they have a certain sound, and if you can make. Make it funny and it has that sound, and it's.

[A]

It's difficult. It's like, not even a full sentence.

[B]

But, you know, you got it right. I drew one where a clown, very much like, you're special. A clown is standing there, and the woman is leaving with her suitcase, and she's turning back and saying, I fake the laughs, too.

[A]

That's great. Oh, My God, I love. I want that for my wall. That's so good.

[B]

I don't. Again, mo. You're seeing a gross part of me, but you'll never meet a more confident Pete than someone saying, that should have been in the magazine. Yeah, I think it was, actually. And I faked the laughs.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But I thought that was tight.

[A]

I love clown. I love putting a clown. And I had a lot of clown.

[B]

A lot of. Jesus.

[A]

I think I've had one clown that was like. Like, they're like, take. Take your shoes off so you don't track cake into the. You know, something like that. It wasn't actually take your big shoes off. Y. It wasn't made for the New Yorker, but something like that.

[B]

Do you still submit?

[A]

I do, but I haven't in a while. Like, basically this whole year, I've been so bad at submitting.

[B]

But.

[A]

But I. I love doing it because I end up kind of posting them anyway.

[B]

I. Well, no, that's. That's just good. It's just. It also. It keeps you writing jokes.

[A]

Yeah. And I love. I love to draw. I just, you know, it's like, it's so hard to find time because, like, even to get ready to draw, you need, like, a few hours.

[B]

I tell that to my daughter all the time, too. It's like. Because she'll be coloring something in, and I'm like, obviously, she's six, so that's fine. But I'm like, baby, it's how you feel while you're drawing is what makes drawing so special. I thought of another one. It's embarrassing. I'm mad about all of them. Two guys in heaven with huge wings. Guy's got kind of like a blank face, and he's saying, I miss back rubs. That's perfect.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

It's perfect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's a doctor. I had a million doctor ones where he goes, when in doubt, just prescribe the drug on your pen. That's not funny. But that is a New Yorker cartoon.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

That's like a very.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Isn't it weird that.

[A]

Well, the New Yorker cartoon, it's so funny because it really is like this. This is a standing ovation in New Yorker. Just, you know.

[B]

Totally. What's your favorite? Not one of ours, because mine was a Bruce. Harry Kaplan. The one that did it. That made me want.

[A]

Which one was.

[B]

Yeah, it's a skeleton at a cocktail party. They're just. He's holding. The skeleton's not holding anything. That's important. I Actually think if the skeleton was holding a martini, it ruins the cartoon. Yeah, he's just standing there. He's just a skeleton. Guy's holding a martini, talking to him. There's other people milling about, and he says, so Helen tells me, you're dead. I just can't get enough of that right.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

I can't get enough of it.

[A]

So, you know, there was one. I don't remember what the caption is, but it's in my. I actually bought the print, and it's. What's. What's Popeye's friend's name?

[B]

Bluto.

[A]

Yeah. Like they're holding hands. It's like. I guess that's where the aggression came from. Like something like that, which basically, like that. It was like, him. Secret being repressed. Yeah.

[B]

Secret gays.

[A]

Which.

[B]

I had a gay one, which I really. Yeah, they're all mine. That I remember. But it's a slovenly guy in bed. He's covered in, like, candy bar wrappers, beer cans, and his very clean, kind of fit boyfriend. They're in bed, and he says, would it kill you to act a little more gay? I just thought every one of these hurts my.

[A]

The gay ones was. So I had one where it was like, two lesbian moms and they had their kid, and they're like, it's devastating to find out who's the emergency contact number.

[B]

That's great. That's great. You're reminding me of one. It's a pregnant lady with a baby carriage. And this is so New York. New Yorker. Somebody walks by and she's saying, it's inhuman that people have dogs in the city.

[A]

And I'm like, it's so good. Wait, you had one that was published that I really liked, where they were, like, sitting out on the porch.

[B]

Yeah. I miss hating the city.

[A]

Yes. I love that one. It's such a good one.

[B]

I just moved to Sleepy Hollow and I drew it on my porch and I missed the city.

[A]

Yeah. It's so good.

[B]

I really appreciate that. I've never had someone. Well, that's a whole other convo. Oh, did you have the one that you saw that kind of lit the spark for you? I mean, that already say I'm sorry.

[A]

Well, it wasn't like, the Popeye one was that. You know, I had that.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I have that big book that's like New Yorker cartoons. It's like a big table, but it's super heavy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That. Basically, all of the comics in there, I absolutely loved. I loved all the Addams Family ones I loved.

[B]

Oh, Charles Adams.

[A]

Yeah. I love.

[B]

Matt Diffie's great.

[A]

Matt Diffie's great. And just his drawing style. I was like. I was like, well, I can never do. What's this guy? Henry Bliss? He's like, on my Instagram.

[B]

Yeah, Bliss.

[A]

Love. Love all of his comics.

[B]

And remember Jack Ziegler? He was. He saw my stuff, and I got in the magazine that week after he gave me, like, a. He told Bob, oh, give the kid a chance.

[A]

Oh, that's so great.

[B]

That's how I got in the magazine. I had been submitting for a year and hadn't gotten in. And he was like, what are you doing?

[A]

One, I submitted. I basically submitted. And then when Emma became the editor, then I. Then I got in, and basically it was like two. It was like two submissions later, and then I got one, and I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. It's actually. It's the one that I mentioned in my special. It's a dad joke, but it's. It's a friend, a woman, a mother who has, like, a baby, and she's obviously poor and stuff, and she was like, her friend here, and she's like. Like, I don't know. He said that he. He said that he left to get oat milk and vape refills, and he never came back. So it's just a modern take on Abandoned. It's great. That event.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. That was a whole other area we could go into. But the special is incredible.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

It's called Beep.

[A]

Yeah. The special is.

[B]

You should definitely. No, but it is really great. I shouldn't say this, but to make the compliment better, I said to Val, she was like, let's put on Most special. And I said, baby, wait until we're 20 minutes out. Because a lot of times I don't want to listen to someone's whole special. It's not because I don't like it.

[A]

It's because that's it. It's hard to watch. Listen. It's hard to watch specials, and I'm.

[B]

About to talk to them for an hour.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So I don't want to be burnt out. It's not like I'm like, this sucks. Turn it off. Just like, I just want. I want to taste right.

[A]

And, you know, for me, it's just a p. It's. There's 25 minutes of standup in there, and there's, like 35 minutes of a.

[B]

Documentary that it was the right choice. You're a wonderful comic, but I thought, as a piece of art, it was.

[A]

Just the right choice, I think. And I'll do it. I'm going to do another docu special again, just because I. I honestly just don't want to do a full hour ever. I mean, every time I've done it, I've regretted it. You go to a comedy club, I'm like, I regret that.

[B]

Follow that. Yeah, we're back to follow that. All right, well, thank you.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry, was that sudden?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, thank you so much.

[A]

I'm like, okay, I'll leave. Yeah.

[B]

Would you say keep it crispy? It's how we end.

[A]

Yes, of course. Keep it crispy. I looked at that camera. Is that okay?

[B]

You did it great. I was thinking of a bit like, you did it wrong. But I was like, why end on that note?

[A]

You're like, I can follow that, no problem.

[B]

It was. It was. I think it was Godfrey, the comedian. Godfrey, I heard, would go, follow that.

[A]

Follow that.

[B]

And I think Godfrey is hilarious. But that's really funny. It was also in the early 2000s.

[A]

I promise that there's little. Little taste.

[B]

People that listen to the whole episode, they get the gossip.

[A]

The next show, if. If I'm on before you. I'm gonna tell you that before you go.

[B]

Yeah, I would love it. Thank you. It.