Morgan Jay

Summary

Summary of "You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Episode Featuring Morgan Jay"

Release Date: March 5, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Morgan Jay
Podcast Description: Everybody has secret weirdness, Pete Holmes gets comedians to share theirs.

---

1. Introduction to Morgan Jay and Collaboration

Pete Holmes welcomes Morgan Jay to the show, highlighting their initial connection during a flight to their gigs. Pete expresses his admiration for Morgan's unique approach to crowd work using auto-tune, which differentiates him from traditional comedians.

Notable Quote:
Morgan Jay [00:08]: "I vibed with him right away."

---

2. Evolution of Pete Holmes’ Comedy Style

Pete discusses his transition from standard stand-up comedy to incorporating music and auto-tune into his performances. He explains how the pandemic necessitated adapting his act for virtual audiences, leading to the experimentation that defined his current comedic style.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [63:04]: "It came out of an experiment. Honestly, it was... the pandemic hit, and I had to adjust the show for this medium."

---

3. Interning with Conan and Transition to Fallon

Holmes shares his experiences interning with Conan O'Brien before the latter's move to "The Tonight Show" with Jimmy Fallon. He reflects on the challenges faced during this period, including adapting to a new late-night landscape and the rigorous demands of the internship.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [08:46]: "I was interning at Conan and Internet Conan. So, this was right when he did a set on... the crossover from Conan to Fallon."

---

4. Impact of Social Media and Global Reach

Morgan Jay and Pete explore the significant role social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram play in shaping modern comedy. Pete recounts how a single viral clip dramatically expanded his audience, reaching unexpected regions such as Africa, and emphasizes the importance of maintaining an engaging online presence.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [57:00]: "It reached Nairobi, Johannesburg... it's incredible what TikTok and Instagram have done."

---

5. Performing in Large Venues vs. Intimate Settings

The conversation delves into Pete’s experiences performing in large theaters compared to smaller, more intimate venues. He discusses the logistical challenges of engaging with a vast audience and the adjustments required to keep performances lively and interactive, such as using a roaming camera system.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [74:24]: "Now I have a roaming camera that's wireless that allows me to go to the... back row, so everybody can see where I am."

---

6. Personal Life Choices: No Children and Relationships

Pete and Morgan discuss the personal decision to forgo having children, touching upon the cultural expectations and personal motivations behind such choices. Pete shares insights into how his upbringing, particularly the loss of his father to colon cancer, influenced his perspective on parenthood.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [99:38]: "I just feel like I'm a little bit selfish. And the lifestyle I lead..."

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7. Prepping for Shows: Health and Wellness

Holmes outlines his pre-show routine, emphasizing the importance of vocal health, hydration, and mental preparation. He shares his strategies for maintaining his voice, such as using a nebulizer and performing vocal exercises, to ensure his performances remain strong despite rigorous touring schedules.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [50:23]: "We're gonna do yoga. We're gonna try to meditate a little bit. We're gonna do vocal exercises."

---

8. Audience Interaction and Improvisation

The dynamic of interacting directly with the audience through singing and crowd participation is explored. Pete explains how these interactions not only enhance the live experience but also contribute to the show's unique atmosphere, making each performance distinct and engaging.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [25:45]: "I have songs that have like built-in structure where audience members get to feel like they are the star of the show."

---

9. Coping with Success and Imposter Syndrome

As Pete’s popularity grows, he discusses the accompanying pressures and feelings of imposter syndrome. He reflects on balancing authenticity with audience expectations, striving to keep his performances enjoyable while managing the demands of a larger following.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [65:17]: "The blowup thing has been kind of crazy because... having everything you say or do be scrutinized with like a fine comb."

---

10. Memorable Moments and Personal Anecdotes

Pete shares heartfelt and humorous stories from his career, including his first significant performance at Caroline's on Broadway where he experienced a major flop. He highlights the support from his mother and the lessons learned from early setbacks, underscoring the resilience required in the comedy world.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [107:09]: "I bombed very. It was a seven-minute set... we didn't really say anything in the car last night because you were awful."

---

11. The Future of Comedy and Show Evolution

Looking ahead, Pete discusses plans to evolve his show further by incorporating a live band, aiming to create a "James Brown music comedy type of experience." He emphasizes the importance of continual growth and adaptation to keep his performances fresh and entertaining.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [84:37]: "The band is just like the next evolution, and it's going to be like a James Brown music comedy type of experience."

---

12. Closing Reflections

Pete and Morgan conclude the episode by reflecting on the joys and challenges of performing, the significance of maintaining genuine connections with the audience, and the ongoing journey of personal and professional growth in the comedy industry.

Notable Quote:
Pete Holmes [117:56]: "My goal, I want... always exciting."

---

Conclusion

This episode of "You Made It Weird" offers an in-depth look into Pete Holmes' comedic journey, the innovative blending of music and humor, and the personal philosophies that drive his performances. Through engaging dialogue and candid storytelling, both Holmes and Morgan Jay provide listeners with valuable insights into the evolving landscape of stand-up comedy and the personal dynamics behind a successful comedic career.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Morgan J.]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, you made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Morgan J.]

What's happening, weirdos? This is Morgan J.

[Unknown]

Who I met on an airplane. We were both flying to our gigs. He tours a lot and I saw him and we talked and I vibed with. Vibed. I'm going to say I vibed with him right away. And I know I'm very vocal. I flap my gums a lot about not liking crowd work. It's just not my cup of tea. But Morgan J. Does something different. He does like auto tune. He like, sings auto tune crowd interaction. We talk a lot about it in the podcast, but when I watched it, it made me smile. It made me giggle, smile and laugh. And I really enjoy him as a person. I'm really glad you're here. We talk a lot about comedy and his life. And you should go to morganjay.com, he's on the road. I mean, like, he does not need me to promote his shows. I'm looking on the website. They're all pretty much sold out. He's got some shows in Denver with some tickets still available. I mean, this dude's doing just fine. He does not need this shout out. Speaking of selling tickets, peteholmes.com I'm also doing just fine. But you know, I love when weirdos.

[Morgan J.]

Come out to the show.

[Unknown]

You guys make the best audiences in the world. April 5th, I'm gonna be at Largo here in Los Angeles, followed by Atlantic City. I'm Austin, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Irvine, California, San Jose, California, and Royal Oak, Michigan. This is actually on my website, it.

[Morgan J.]

Says it's the Feelin it tour, but.

[Unknown]

We'Re now it's a new tour and we're calling this new hour the PG13 tour, because it is mostly, or maybe you could even say semi clean. I'd like to differentiate. Nate Bargazzi, my Dear friend, he's PG. This is a PG13 tour. So, you know, mostly clean. Semi clean, but certainly not boring. I just wrote this hour, looked at, it was like, hey, this is mostly clean. We're going to call it the PG13 tour. We're going to change all the art.

[Morgan J.]

And everything coming up.

[Unknown]

But all of the tickets that you'll see on sale [e-mail] that is the PG13 tour. And I hope you guys can be there.

[Morgan J.]

This is my favorite.

[Unknown]

I know I always say this. It's my favorite new hour. I'm absolutely loving Performing it and hope you can be there.

[Morgan J.]

All right.

[Unknown]

In the meantime, enjoy this chat with Morgan J. I really did. We just recorded this yesterday. I was like, we gotta bump this up. I enjoyed it so much. He's silly. He's certainly an ambassador of joy and a good time, and I'm glad he came to the show. So get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm excited, dude. I'm nervous, man. We'll talk about every.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I'm just rolling now.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we rolling now? No.

[Morgan J.]

Got it, got it, got it.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta get it on. I'm saving it for the podcast.

[Morgan J.]

What's wrong with saying I'm nervous, not that I'm. You don't want it in the pod, huh?

[Pete Holmes]

I want it in the pot.

[Morgan J.]

You're welcome.

[Pete Holmes]

I want it in the pod.

[Morgan J.]

You're like, I don't talk about this. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a full circle. This is a full circle. This is a full circle.

[Morgan J.]

This is fcm.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a fcm. I'm. Take a sip of this from this vegan.

[Morgan J.]

I can tell by where it's from. Your poop efficacy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Your deficacy.

[Pete Holmes]

My deficacy.

[Morgan J.]

Defecation efficacy.

[Pete Holmes]

My defecation efficacy. I'm good. I'm doing well.

[Morgan J.]

You're doing great. Well, you just use. Like, you said we could talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Morgan J.]

Like, I need to use the bathroom. You were in there for about 15 seconds and you pooed.

[Pete Holmes]

Came right out. So, like, strangers home. No anxiety.

[Morgan J.]

Zero anxiety. So why are you nervous about being on a pod?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Morgan J.]

You know, I know. I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta. For.

[Morgan J.]

People don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I'm gonna just get. I started comedy stand up. I don't even know. I don't really consider what I do stand up anymore, but I started doing standup in 2007 in New York City.

[Morgan J.]

What do you consider it to be now? Just. Do you have a category?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I think it's like, I. I think I'm in the entertainment business now.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Entertainer.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm an enter on a show. It's different now.

[Morgan J.]

I understand, you know, and keep going, though. You were saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, you were one of the guys when I was. I was. I was coming up, man. I was. I was watching you at the Cameo Bar at the big terrific cabin.

[Morgan J.]

Wait, in New York?

[Pete Holmes]

In New York? Yeah. 2000. You had a show at, like, a bookstore, I think also Housing Works. Housing Works. Yes. With Jesse Klein. Yes. And I was just like, one of these upand cominging Comics. And I was, you know, there was a couple people who, you know, and then I distinctly have a vague memory of like.

[Morgan J.]

You can't distinctly have a vague memory.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a memory.

[Morgan J.]

I've been watching you. I've been watching you all morning.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

So just to show my cards, let's get to that distinct vague memory. But like, you're so playful. So when I'm like going, you can't have a distinct vague. It's because I've been watching you be so high processing and sharp and fast. So you got me in the mood for goofy. So I'm not actually messing with you. I'm just kind of like, yeah, yeah, I hear you primed me for fun. Yeah, that's a great compliment, by the way. You, you create an environment of, of joy and silliness and playfulness that is like the opposite of like, you know, atrophy and just decay. And it's very alive what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I, I got a comment on a video yesterday that, that was like, does anybody think this isn't funny? And like, I saw the comments and the type of person.

[Morgan J.]

Funny. The type of person, they put it so gently. Does anybody else. Does anybody. Does it. Does anybody else or does anybody think.

[Pete Holmes]

Does anybody else think this shit isn't funny?

[Morgan J.]

Does anybody else. This shit isn't funny.

[Pete Holmes]

So the way.

[Morgan J.]

Brutal.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it's okay. The way I classified is if you don't. The kind of person who doesn't like what I do is the kind of person where like, if you're at a wedding and you ask somebody to dance and they're like, I'm not going to dance.

[Morgan J.]

I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, it's like such a nice, joyful. We did it.

[Morgan J.]

We did a Pete Holmes show monologue about dance at weddings.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, just, just, just dance. Everybody looks like a fool.

[Morgan J.]

You're here to celebrate love. Exude enthusiasm for them being married. And you're like, I don't have rhythm. You think I have rhythm, dude?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly.

[Morgan J.]

You don't have to soak through shirts at weddings.

[Pete Holmes]

You're sweating.

[Morgan J.]

I soak through.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody's taking their ties off.

[Morgan J.]

Can't wait to loosen a tie. Like I'm putting in a 13th hour at an ad agency.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Exactly.

[Morgan J.]

That's right. So. No, you're absolutely right. But look it, when I say brutal, I mean, it's unkind. I don't think you should take it.

[Pete Holmes]

As, oh, no, no, no.

[Morgan J.]

But it's like when people I think when people watch almost anything, but certainly what you do, it's just a mirror. If you feel good, you'll feel good watching it. If you feel like shit, you'll be mad at these people having a silly fun time.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I understand it too. I was just in St. Louis, in Kansas City doing shows, and there was people who were having the time of their life and. Has anybody ever brought a baby to your show? This is the first time ever I had two sold out shows.

[Morgan J.]

Look at that baby. Somebody brought a baby coming out between the 2000.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what's crazy.

[Morgan J.]

Sliding out Rick. And that.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like a newborn baby. It was a. And I do this. Cause I feel like I'm Beyonce. Was a newborn baby? No, but it was literally like probably like a 10 to 12 month old baby.

[Morgan J.]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it never happened before. And then two rows behind that, another baby. Another baby around the same age.

[Morgan J.]

Did they carpool?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know, but did they kiddie pool? Well, one of them was like, like a white family and the other one was like a Mexican family.

[Morgan J.]

Okay. Diversity in the babies.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, this is like a bizarro world version of your. I don't know. We were in the Midwest.

[Morgan J.]

I get it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, they don't like immigrants there. So it was a whole thing.

[Morgan J.]

Let's not, you know, I mean, there was paint, whatever, however broad or br you want to. The entire Midwest.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's tricky, but it's funnier. It's way funnier to have an opinion than to get into the nuance of.

[Pete Holmes]

How people are different. Yeah, I like it.

[Morgan J.]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

But to go back to what we were saying.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, you, Housing Works and upand cominging comic.

[Pete Holmes]

What was that? Where was I going with it?

[Morgan J.]

The flavor of it was being nervous or being maybe excited. Nervous.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Now I'm on the podcast with you and I'm talking to you, and it's just. It's just very cool.

[Morgan J.]

So you were at Housing Works. That's a trip for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I was there in the back just watching. I was watching y'all do your. Do your show.

[Morgan J.]

That's crazy to me.

[Pete Holmes]

I was, you know, this was when, you know, Hannibal had his show at the Knitting Factory.

[Morgan J.]

Say, you can't have a show at the Knitting Factory. I say, yes, I can, Hannibal. That's kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember. And I remember that I actually did the show. I bombed. And after I bombed, like, what show?

[Morgan J.]

Housing Works?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, his show Factory, because I was an intern at.

[Morgan J.]

But that was Kind of. Wasn't that a hard show?

[Pete Holmes]

It was a hard show, but this.

[Morgan J.]

Is what happened because people loved him. And then it was like other.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't realize that.

[Morgan J.]

Interrupting this amazing Hannibal set.

[Pete Holmes]

I did not realize that. And what I think was, I feel like he felt duped. I'm projecting a lot on these situations.

[Morgan J.]

I like it. That's. Welcome to earth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I was.

[Morgan J.]

I punch you like Will Smith.

[Pete Holmes]

I was interning at Conan and Internet Conan. So he. This was right when he did a set on. And I was at there. The crossover from Conan to Fallon. And then he did a set on Fallon and got snl. But he saw me around the. The offices.

[Morgan J.]

Hannibal wrote on SN.

[Pete Holmes]

He won an M. Oh, no. 30 rock. Was it 30 rocker. No, it was SNL. I think he won like an Emmy.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

He makes a joke about. He was just. I was just there at the right time. I don't, you know, sidled up to.

[Morgan J.]

The people already writing the Emmy award winning show. That's his bit. Not like just.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Morgan J.]

Anding.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know if that's true. No shots fired here, but. And then I did another show that he was on and I did really well. And then he was like, you should do my show.

[Morgan J.]

Hey, man, you should do my show. People say you can't do my show, but yes, you can, Hannibal.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I did it.

[Morgan J.]

It's getting better.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it is getting better.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, it's got. It got better. I found it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And then I did it.

[Morgan J.]

And then I kicked a pigeon. And then you bombed. No, you didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

About. He never spoke to me again. No.

[Morgan J.]

Is that true?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it wasn't like that.

[Morgan J.]

I think he had to know. I heard that. I never did that show. I heard that. That show was a tough show.

[Pete Holmes]

You're performing on like a. Literally a corner.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah. There's shows that. Not that I'm so invincible, but there are shows that you'd bomb. You'd bomb. You just do poorly. Poorly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just. There's. It's a.

[Morgan J.]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, but this is what I want.

[Morgan J.]

And one of them is interrupting Hannibal. Yes, that's what that show should be called. Interrupting Animal at the Knitting Factory.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is what I'll say I did a show at. It was a place called Three of Cups. It was like. It was like third and A or something like that. RG Daniels ran the show.

[Morgan J.]

RG Glasses. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Shorter fellow. Yeah. Nice guy.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I remember you were on the show, but you were at a point in your career where, like, you were. You were doing well, and you just, like, did the show and, like, you left. Right. And I remember I was in the back of the room. I was like, man, I hope Pete Holmes watches my set, dude. But, you know, it's funny. Now we're on.

[Morgan J.]

Always bugs me that I could have, you know, I mean, like, where was I going?

[Pete Holmes]

You probably had another set, or you. Or. Or you've probably been doing, like, I.

[Morgan J.]

Was in a codependent relationship, probably. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or that.

[Morgan J.]

How to get back.

[Pete Holmes]

But having. Being where I am now and having perspective of, like, you do so many sets. I don't know how you feel, but I'm tired a lot, and I just want to, like, be.

[Morgan J.]

I like to hang. I like to hang. It's a great topic you brought up. I like to hang before the show. Get there early. Like you did. See, I'm like you. I get early. Yeah. I'll be there way before anybody, way before the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, do you think when you go to a party, you're like, let's get there, like, right on time, so we could leave.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Well, Also, get that FaceTime.

[Pete Holmes]

Get that. Get the face done, because nobody's gonna be there.

[Morgan J.]

And you say you hang with the host. Then all these people come in and interrupt Hannibal. They ruin. They ruin the show, and it's time to get the fuck out of there.

[Pete Holmes]

100.

[Morgan J.]

Because I'm not there to yell where I'm from to someone I don't know. I don't. I don't want to do that. I want to see the host.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Maybe eat some Bugles 5 thing 5 fing bug and get out of there, man. So when I. But I realize you're. What you're bringing to mind is when I did Fallon, I did Fallon before Fallon. With the Tonight Show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. And I wasn't. I don't know when you did it. I was an intern there.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So Conan was at the end, like, right around the end of two. Yeah. You mentioned that.

[Morgan J.]

I didn't know you were there for.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, two months as an intern. But he was, like, taking meetings with affiliates. The dude was, like, flying all over the. Getting ready for the Tonight Show.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they. The. The Fallon team absorbed the Conan interns.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, wow. And then it's not a good feeling to be absorbed.

[Pete Holmes]

We were, like, absorbed into that. We weren't like the Fallon interns. We were like the. The old. The Conan interns.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, yeah. I Got to see both, like how both of them work was actually really interesting.

[Morgan J.]

Was there a big difference?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, like, you know, you've hosted a late night show, so, you know, like you're starting out. I mean, you could tell Fallon was just trying to get their bearings straight. They're just trying, like different desk pieces and bits and like, what are going to Staples.

[Morgan J.]

I remember those years. I remember those years for Kimmel, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's hard. It's just growing pains.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What are the staples? You know, and eventually they found like, you know, the thank you notes and there was some stuff that they don't do now, but it was really cool to see them in the rehearsals. I found that they were like 10 times funnier than they. In rehearsals. Than they were because they can't do certain things right. On network television.

[Morgan J.]

Right, right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

But they were. Yeah. Kona was like a well oiled machine. You'd go in there, they'd bring all the interns down to run the monologue. So we'd like, listen and they see if we laugh at the jokes or not. And then they'd go into chambers and they would do their. I mean, he was just like, the way he just like. I mean, he did an incredible job hosting the Oscars. Yeah, he did. But the way they would just like slash through jokes. I mean.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I learned quickly, like that job and just working in that environment is like a desk job.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of, in a way, you know.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like 10:00am you got to write 60 jokes.

[Morgan J.]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

By this time.

[Morgan J.]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was really surprised because I had this image in my head, like, I want to do this.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then when I was really interning there, I was like, actually, yeah, you're.

[Morgan J.]

You're smart. That's not for everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not for me.

[Morgan J.]

I think Conan being a Harvard guy, being like a, you know, knows the grindstone kind of guy helps.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Because that's a grind. A couple of things Conan don't. One was, he's like, this is a volume business.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

He's like, it is. We just make a million and then you kill darlings all day. And then the best ones go. And then I, I always remember that. I, I don't think he would. I. I'm certain he wouldn't mind, but I would see Conan, like, real worn out and like, oh, he was.

[Pete Holmes]

I could tell he was tired and.

[Morgan J.]

He would joke to me, he's like, you don't know what you're getting into. Like, run, run. But what we did. This is the old backdrop. We. We did 90 episodes, I think total. And they do 90 in three months. So it's like no comparison.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. Yeah, it was crazy. And I just remember. Yeah, I just remember he seemed. Because he had, I guess smoosh with the other different. You know, there's like different affiliates in different parts of the country and that's the other.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, you might be able to use this. Another Conan thing. He told me because I would do some affiliate stuff and mind you, he.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn'T know who I am. Just saying. I was just an intern there. I don't want to make it seem like I know his life.

[Morgan J.]

Nobody thought, nobody felt that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

And I think you'd be happy to know you.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

And know that you are trying to know him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Or maybe he does know you. Know you. Who knows?

[Pete Holmes]

I am trying to know you.

[Morgan J.]

Conan.

[Pete Holmes]

Conan O'Brien. Can I get to know you?

[Morgan J.]

Please put your red hair on my.

[Pete Holmes]

Shoulder and I will caress it with my dry fingers.

[Morgan J.]

Not clammy. When I get nervous, my feet get clamming up my hands.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I had my auto tune stuff.

[Morgan J.]

Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish you had it. It's kind of a. It's kind of a whole thing to set it up and you gotta have headphones.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, I believe it. I. Yeah, I'm not. I'm glad you just came. I don't want you to feel like you had to.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate you. I appreciate it.

[Morgan J.]

But it is fun to just kind of have deal with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Morgan J.]

My feet get clammy.

[Pete Holmes]

One day there will be a technology where I could just like.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have it with me. I could actually launch my dune. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It'll be like an orb and it'll auto tune both of us.

[Pete Holmes]

People who, who have to breathe through the. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Intergalactic planetary.

[Pete Holmes]

They have it already, don't they?

[Morgan J.]

They. They're being auto tuned.

[Pete Holmes]

Why wouldn't they just. Did somebody have a joke? Like why wouldn't they just have it?

[Morgan J.]

Well, that's like Nick Swartzen's. I think it's Nick Swartz. And why don't we take roller coasters to work instead of the subway? It's like we have it. Everybody would be awake when you get to work. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Morgan J.]

And if we are trachea. No, no, no, no. It's not what's happening. This isn't an off color tracheotomy joke. I'm saying if you're gonna. I would buy the option to be like, don't Smoke children.

[Pete Holmes]

Put some color in her.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, put some color in there.

[Pete Holmes]

I was smoking for 10 years. 10 years, and I got emphysema. If you don't want to end up like me, Don, do this.

[Morgan J.]

Joe Camel's full of.

[Pete Holmes]

Just do Zins now. Everybody's doing Zins. Everybody.

[Morgan J.]

Zen is not a sin.

[Pete Holmes]

Zen is not a Zen.

[Morgan J.]

But I did nicotine for a long time. But here's what they don't tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Morgan J.]

It might not be a sin, but it's so addictive, which I used to think. Look, little psa. I used to think addictive just meant awesome. What's. Actually, I really did. I'm such an idiot. I was like 40. This is. I quit a year ago.

[Pete Holmes]

How do you feel?

[Morgan J.]

I feel fantastic. Because I don't want to be beholden to anything. Yeah, that's the problem. So when you. When you. Your brain actually grows more nicotine receptors. So let's say you're born with four. You start using it, it doubles to eight. That's Ryan Adams. It takes two where it used to take one. That song, it's about addiction. So now if you stop using it, you have eight things screaming for it, and then 16 things screaming for it, and then 32. It's good. You go nuts. So it's not addictive does not mean awesome. It means chemical dependent. And then when I quit, I remember I was coming back from a movie. Actually, the first time I quit, I was coming back from a movie, and I ate a huge one of those feed bags of Skittles they sell. You know, the. It's like a breast implant. It's huge and heavy. I mean, and then I hated everybody. I hated. And I hated how I hated everybody. But that's how upsetting it is to go off of something addictive.

[Pete Holmes]

Was there a part of you that was like, feeling like, I have to go? Like, this is going to be okay? There's like a. There's like a. Yes, there's like. Because whenever I feel sad, I'm like, it's okay that I'm sad because.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, you're going somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna be. I have to be going.

[Morgan J.]

Yes. Sad isn't a destination. Sad is the tunnel between two places. Yeah. That's a good perspective.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And when I was going, I. I knew. Let's put it this way. If your brain can at least label it, like, I'm in withdraw draw. Like if someone tells you you have the 24 hour flu.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Your brain relaxes because you're like, this is one day. Yeah, one day. I can do one day. So I knew I was in withdrawal for one day.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like when they started putting those signs in New York that told you when they. When how long the train would be. Remember that?

[Morgan J.]

Love those signs. I. I remember when there weren't those signs, Right? That's when you just feel like, well, I better stab somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're like, I'm gonna be here forever. I'm like, in purgatory or something.

[Morgan J.]

But then you get on the F train, it still says, like, 43 minutes. And you're like, me, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Fuck me. All right, where were we? Conan. An intern. And then. So you went from being an intern and then.

[Pete Holmes]

And I went straight to working at the Container Store in Chelsea.

[Morgan J.]

Is that true?

[Pete Holmes]

No. After I graduated college, I went to NYU for theater, and I. My jobs right out of college were the Container Store. I worked in the stock room, like, putting containers in boxes, like, to ship.

[Morgan J.]

Which is kind of containing containers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I did customer service.

[Morgan J.]

Everything is a container.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything's a container.

[Morgan J.]

Show me something that isn't a container.

[Pete Holmes]

I always. I had a joke, like, why don't they sell coffins? Like, they like the most final.

[Morgan J.]

Accept the ultimate container. You know, I'd like to be in Tupperware.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

We found a dead bird, and my daughter put it in a jar. And that thing's still 90. A bird.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just there.

[Morgan J.]

Like, it's pretty preserved.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

The Egyptians were trying too hard is what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Morgan J.]

You get an airtight seal.

[Pete Holmes]

You're good.

[Morgan J.]

You got a bird.

[Pete Holmes]

They couldn't airtight seal back.

[Morgan J.]

They couldn't airtight seal.

[Pete Holmes]

They might have actually been able to. They could have done some crazy stuff.

[Morgan J.]

That's true. Well, the pyramids are certainly aliens. Well, I mean, I don't subscribe to the hydrogen plant. Have you heard that? No, that's fine. The hydrogen, like, there's that tunnel. They're like, there's a chance that it was a hydrogen reactor. Like, apparently, this is not the podcast. We know the podcast. You tune in for this. It's not this one, but, like, it is interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you pull that up?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Jamie, can you pull up which podcast you tune in for which hydrogen plant? Pyramid in Giza. But anyway, I don't subscribe to that, but I do think it was probably airtight. I think they were able to do that, which is.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen them in person?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it cool?

[Morgan J.]

So, well, I'll say. The ones in Giza are A little bit. No shade Egypt. Actually, that's true in two ways. It's a very sunny place. No shade Egypt. But the one, the great pyramids in Cairo are right by the freeway. So when you see pyramids in movies, like drones, I believe those are the pyramids of Giza.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

So I went to Cairo and Cairo is a real fucking city, man. It's like bustling and just like every city is kind of busting at the seams of people. So there's kind of like pollution and just like every city and there's the pyramids and there's like the 405 basically like curving around them. Not literally, but like. So if you're thinking it's going to be like, you know, dunes and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Fun like that. It's those. Those are Giza, I'm pretty sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Morgan J.]

But the ones in Cairo are kind of like, oh my God, they built a city around the pyramid.

[Pete Holmes]

Guaranteed. It's like when you live in New York and you never go to the Empire State Building, there's probably people who live there. Like, I never been there.

[Morgan J.]

I don't. I only go to the pyramids when.

[Pete Holmes]

My in laws aren't exactly, you know. I was a New York City tour guide in New York. I was a bicycle tour guide.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

After. Out of college and I didn't do any of the things until I had that job.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Was it fun though? Were you glad that you didn't?

[Pete Holmes]

That was probably the best job I ever had.

[Morgan J.]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was me. It was like I was on a bicycle. It was like 20 people on bicycles behind me. We got to. We would do like, I would ride.

[Morgan J.]

But you were great at that.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it.

[Morgan J.]

I probably primed you for what you're doing. It's very.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk to people.

[Morgan J.]

Because when I saw. Oh, sorry you had to make.

[Pete Holmes]

I make facts up. I just tell people like, this is the first Subway sandwich shop in America. And they would be like, what? Like, you just make stuff up. They don't know people coming in from like Belgium. They. That's, you know, just make stuff up.

[Morgan J.]

See, when I watch you, it's interesting. And I don't know if your whole show is. Is talking to the crowd.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. No. Okay.

[Morgan J.]

That's what you post.

[Pete Holmes]

I look at it like, those are like the commercials for them.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But when I see that, it takes me back to. I'm saying this to put it to you. When I was a little kid growing up in Boston, anytime in like Quincy Market, like fan Faneuil Hall. She's an outdoor cobblestone kind of walking mall.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

There'd be street performers. And that's when I first got the bug for, like, if they talk to you, you can say something, and you might get a laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Tick and tack and tell me square.

[Morgan J.]

Part, because I got that feeling. I was like, I feel like you're the kind of person. It's a leading question, but, like, that might have been in those situations and gotten the bug from that.

[Pete Holmes]

What.

[Morgan J.]

So what's tick and tack?

[Pete Holmes]

Tick and Tack were, like, the first, like, it was in Washington Square Park. My parents brought me there. I was like, six or five or six. They perform in the fountain during the summer or, like, right before, like, the water went on.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they would do that. You know that trick that, like, every street performer does? Like, when it's two guys who, like, dance and do flips and stuff, they get, like, four people, and then they jump over the people talking about. So that was my first introduction to it. And my mom was like, go give them a dollar. And I, like, went in front of everybody to give them a dollar. And I thought, like, this is so cool. Obviously, there was a time when I was in high school where I was watching Premium Blend and, like, watching, you know, the. The Comedy Central Presents specials at that point. Is there a premium.

[Morgan J.]

I was just gonna bring the audience up to speed. That became Live at Gotham. But now there is no short form.

[Pete Holmes]

No, there isn't. Well, actually, now it's Don't Tell Comics comedy.

[Morgan J.]

What is that?

[Pete Holmes]

Don't tell comedy is like the.

[Morgan J.]

I suppose it's like, wait, don't tell.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, you figured out.

[Morgan J.]

Okay. Is it on Netflix, YouTube? Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They've broke, like. They're like. They've broken more talent, I feel like, in the last five years than any other. Wow. Platform. It's just on YouTube.

[Morgan J.]

Wow. Okay, cool.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. Shout out to them. They went, like, digital. They, like, get people from all over the country, too.

[Morgan J.]

So that's great. I'm glad there's a place, because you need. Sometimes you have, yeah, seven minutes, and that's what you want to break with.

[Pete Holmes]

But, yeah, I was watching Premium Blend, too, and, you know, all those different comedy. I mean, dude, I was a nerd, dude. When they made Comedy Central Presents available on. To stream on Netflix. This is a long time ago. I would watch and, like, take notes and things.

[Morgan J.]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's, like, technical things, and.

[Morgan J.]

It'S actually a good series to do because the Presents aren't. I feel like they're not slick.

[Pete Holmes]

They're not. No.

[Morgan J.]

They're not hyper polished, edited.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Morgan J.]

So you can watch and kind of get sense. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Commercial breaks, which is crazy.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah. But sometimes the bit on my presents, I think a bit ends just because that's when the commercial was.

[Pete Holmes]

No, literally. I heard a story that Dimitri Martin would use the guitar for his audition troll. So they couldn't cut around.

[Morgan J.]

I heard the same story, but Zach Elephant has removed layers of clothing so they couldn't change the order.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, now that I'm editing my special, I see like it is hard to cut around certain things with the music, you know?

[Morgan J.]

Yes, for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And if you have a big pad, I mean that's going to be act two. He's like doing act.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Comedy. It's like act one, some one liners, act two pad, act three, guitar.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And that's perfect for presents.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, you know, going back to. I mean I think it's good to vary it up. Especially now like, like you said my show, that what you see online again, it's. Listen, I'm the first to admit that some of the clips I post, they are not that good. They. But you have to just shame. No, no, no, no. But some of them I think are fantastic.

[Morgan J.]

No, I understand, I think I understand what you're saying but like am I right in interpreting? You're like, look, this is like, it's a volume business. What's that? It's a volume business.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Okay, there you go. And said it.

[Pete Holmes]

And, and when you come to the live show, my audience is so much younger now that they have this like brain rot they can't lock in. If you ask anybody under 25, the last comedy special they've seen, they don't, they couldn't answer it. They haven't sat through an hour special. And they really need a show that's experiential.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's kind of what my show is. It's like I run into the crowd, I get people to sing, I get people, I bring people on stage.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have songs that have like built in structure where audience members get to feel like they are the star of the show. Yeah. There is like a, you know, a stand up portion, there's a, a normal like guitar portion. But the reason I switch it up now over like an hour and ten minutes is just because they'll just swipe on their phone and they'll, they'll just space out.

[Morgan J.]

You mean at the Show.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I let them film and photograph whatever they want. Now at the shows, you're worried that.

[Morgan J.]

They might start scrolling.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. These. These young and not to like. I'm not trying to throw shade at them. It's just. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I'm not trying to Egypt anybody.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll try to Egypt anybody, but stay sunny, guys. But it's just, you know, that's just the new reality. Yeah, it's the new reality. Yeah. And.

[Morgan J.]

And you look older. Guys like me resist that. And then when we see somebody just showing it all, when we see somebody that's kind of like going with the flow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

We get a little scared, I think. I think guys like me might be like, like my manager will be like, I'm editing my special. He's like, nobody watches ours anymore. I'm like, all right, like, I get real and. But then cut to you.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'm trying to pitch. What I'm doing. My special is like 50 something minutes. We shot it in three different cities. It cuts like a lot. And we're cutting it. We're cutting it like a kind of like a tick tock, like kind of quick cuts here and there. And if nobody buys it, I'm gonna break it into two or three 20 minute specials.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if I. I hate, I hate to like say that I'm like creating, you know, things in service of an algorithm, but I have to meet it halfway.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's like, I understand.

[Morgan J.]

We talk about this a lot, actually. You know, Older farts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's like, listen, the product I put out, I think I'm really proud of. If you come to a full hour, it's a really great show.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when you have to put it online and get people to like, sit. Do you know this thing about like pitching a TV show now that you have to pitch a show that's like simple enough where somebody could watch it while they're on their phone.

[Morgan J.]

Is that right?

[Pete Holmes]

Have you heard of this? Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

So the second screen, like, it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, does this pass the second screen test? This is a real thing.

[Morgan J.]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

We're like. I mean, people are literally, you know, watching Bridgerton like this, you know.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Which is why we re watch the Office over and over.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because you could just.

[Morgan J.]

It's just feel good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just going.

[Morgan J.]

You can kind of, you know, tune in for the B plot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly.

[Morgan J.]

So I've also heard they. Sorry. That they want things that you can understand. And like, you know, I'm trying To Thailand. Like, meaning if it has, like, some visual component. Yeah, that, like, even with the sound off, you would kind of know what's going on. Dude, I'm watching, like, a guy with a giant head.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I'm watching giant head Ed.

[Morgan J.]

Yo, let's go sell giant head Ed.

[Pete Holmes]

Giant headed would be an easy sell.

[Morgan J.]

Giant. He's got a giant head. Is he smart? That's what's weird. He's not smart.

[Pete Holmes]

But can he predict the future with his giant brain?

[Morgan J.]

That's the season one cliffhanger. He goes, I saw that coming. They're like, what did you mean? It's like, severance, she's alive. It's like that.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I haven't gotten a season two yet.

[Morgan J.]

Don't worry.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that okay?

[Morgan J.]

That's the end of season one.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Morgan J.]

He screamed she's alive at the end of season.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real? I didn't finish season one. I. I know it's blasphemous. I got through four or five episodes okay.

[Morgan J.]

Guess what?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Morgan J.]

Is that the hook? Because I'm taking you off it. I hate this whole. You're not watching the bear.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Get the out of here, dude. Yeah, they work for us.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Morgan J.]

I don't work for them.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Morgan J.]

You stop. What? Season one of Severance ends when you stop watching.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Morgan J.]

And when people are like, you gotta watch it. No, I don't. I absolutely don't. And I think Severance is the shit. I love it. You do not have to.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I'll tell you what I watch. I watch MasterChef. That's what I watch.

[Morgan J.]

MC.

[Pete Holmes]

I watch. I watch. I love Gordon Ramsay. When I watch what I watch, you.

[Morgan J.]

Have a mean guy.

[Pete Holmes]

The thing is, he's. You could tell. He's. You never feel like people who are really mean, like, on camera. They're not mean people.

[Morgan J.]

It's like, mean comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Are always sweethearts. Not always, but usually are very sweet because they get it out. Gordon Ramsay doesn't come home with the need to, like, let off any steam.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, he's ready to cuddle.

[Morgan J.]

He's ready to snug. When that dude gets.

[Pete Holmes]

He just wants to make his kids an omelet. Like a nice French omelet.

[Morgan J.]

Exactly. If you yell at somebody about their asparagus for 45 minutes, when you go home, you tired.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be that guy anymore.

[Morgan J.]

He's like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I love you.

[Morgan J.]

I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm sure if somebody messes up the food. If somebody messes up the food in the kitchen, they're probably just. He's probably like, ass. Okay.

[Morgan J.]

He doesn't even care.

[Pete Holmes]

A little seasoning on it.

[Morgan J.]

That's what salt is for. Salt's for love. It's all right. Yeah, I can't do his voice.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do it either.

[Morgan J.]

He does kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Although if you watch the first season in America, I mean, I don't want to make any assumptions. He seems like he's on coke.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Morgan J.]

It's truly like, all chefs are on coke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, I've worked in a restaurant, for sure. I mean, there's some. There's some stuff going on backstage. Change smoking.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, they love stimulants.

[Pete Holmes]

Stimulants. They don't. They prefer fast food than the food they cook.

[Morgan J.]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. I mean, my fast food. My. My dad was. My dad was a chef. My mom catered. I mean, we grew up with.

[Morgan J.]

To his needs.

[Pete Holmes]

To his needs.

[Morgan J.]

Thanks for coming on, Morgan J. Is the Instagram also watching play games on Twitch?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Oh, my goodness. That's another thing of the businessman. I'm just trying to get hip to Ron. You know Ron. Ron funches. He does the Twitch thing too.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, does he?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, I think that's also, like, a future kind of the hang. The future hangman.

[Morgan J.]

I mean, like, you're hanging with your fans.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You realize there's people who live in the middle of nowhere who have nothing to do, and they. It's probably hard to make friends and go out. They don't have money to do things, so they're gonna hang with you and play video games with you.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I started doing these IRL streams in real life.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where my buddy follows me with a camera. You know, we'll go to a comedy club or two. I always tell the comics in the green room, like, I've done it three times now as I have streaming. If you don't want to be a part of this, I understand, because I know the green room is, like, a very safe space.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'll, like, move somewhere else.

[Morgan J.]

You open the door, someone's just screaming the N word.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'll tell.

[Morgan J.]

I mean, like, doing. Doing bits that wouldn't travel well.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was at the improv, and Bobby came in.

[Morgan J.]

That's an exaggeration, by the way. Nobody in the Comedy Store is screaming the N word. I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, nobody is doing that. Nobody. That happens in the Laugh Factory.

[Morgan J.]

But no, it's more of a laugh factory. Oh, no, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been so long.

[Morgan J.]

It's more of an improv thing.

[Pete Holmes]

But, yeah, the ir. But the IRL stuff is really interesting because you have these. When I saw Kevin Hart go on this streamer, Kai Sinatra. I don't know if you're familiar with Kai Sonat, but Kaisanat is probably one of the biggest new emerging talents. He live streams. He had Kevin Hart went to his house, did a sleepover. This guy's like, 22. They just, like, play video games. They hang out. They do. There's a goofing off at home.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They had almost a million people watching, like, concurrently.

[Morgan J.]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Excuse me. For the whole day. So when I saw that, I just was like, all right, there's clearly a shift going on in entertainment. Like, even during the pandemic, I was like, I feel like none of this is funny. I don't. Do you. Do you want me to try to be funny? Should I sing everything? I feel like there's a shift going on in entertainment.

[Morgan J.]

It frightens people like me, who've had a colonoscopy.

[Pete Holmes]

I've had a colonoscopy too. I'm high risk. How old are you?

[Morgan J.]

Oh, high risk.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm actually 38. And my dad.

[Morgan J.]

Polyps and cancers in your butt.

[Pete Holmes]

Clean as a fiddle.

[Morgan J.]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. However, the girl. So there was an anesthesiologist.

[Morgan J.]

Analogy.

[Pete Holmes]

Analysiologist, a doctor and a nurse, and the nurse recognized me.

[Morgan J.]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

I told her. I said, this is a VIP meet and greet now. And you have to. It is. You have to pay me.

[Morgan J.]

It's a thorough meeting.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a thorough meet and greet.

[Morgan J.]

You're really meeting every. Every part of you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I cannot clean. Yeah, I had to get it done yet.

[Morgan J.]

I actually haven't had mine yet.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Morgan J.]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask all you are.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How old are you?

[Morgan J.]

Oh, you're gonna ask.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. How old are you?

[Morgan J.]

45.

[Pete Holmes]

45, okay, so I'm 38.

[Morgan J.]

But you're high risk.

[Pete Holmes]

Higher. Yeah. My dad died when he was 57.

[Morgan J.]

Sorry. I'm not trying to be funny.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. I. I make a whole joke about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. Dude. Dude's a loser. Dude's a loser, bro. It's like.

[Morgan J.]

Well, I also. My dad has definitely never gotten a colonoscopy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Is it out of principle? He's like, I'm not letting anybody stick a finger in my butt.

[Morgan J.]

Well, that. The finger is prostate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Is that what you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, but. Or like a tube or whatever. Anything in general. In the butt.

[Morgan J.]

I bet my dad's had the. I can't speak for my dad. I'm gonna let him out. I'm gonna say I've had several prostate exams.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And not a joke. My doctor has very small hands, which is a feature.

[Pete Holmes]

She's like, I'll do two fingers.

[Morgan J.]

Would you mind? What am I paying you for?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like, I can't. I'm not feeling anything.

[Morgan J.]

Can you.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you like, what's going on here? This is.

[Morgan J.]

If she goes to the elbow, everyone gets free drinks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Get the whole fist in there. I really feel it. Really feel it. I'm almost there.

[Unknown]

But I.

[Morgan J.]

And she's telling me to get a colonoscopy.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. It was. I assume earlier.

[Morgan J.]

It used to be. It is a woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Which. Yeah. Small hands. Woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Small hands. Man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Small hand man.

[Pete Holmes]

Small hand. Man with big. Big. Ted had big head. Ted. Big head.

[Morgan J.]

Ted has very small hands. And he's a doctor that only does colonoscopies, prostate exams.

[Pete Holmes]

So he specializes in.

[Morgan J.]

He's an anesthesiologist, actually. Big Head. I think we could sell Big Head Ed.

[Pete Holmes]

We could.

[Morgan J.]

It's like. Remember in NBA Jam there was the big head cheat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Morgan J.]

It's like that.

[Pete Holmes]

People love that.

[Morgan J.]

They loved that.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you. Do you remember there was a bit on the. On Fallon. I don't know if you saw this. Fallon. It was called Mannequin Hands.

[Morgan J.]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Where they had to do everything with a mannequin hand. I could. It's kind of like. I don't know. I thought that was really funny.

[Morgan J.]

Something to it. We'll sell it.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll sell it.

[Morgan J.]

We'll sell it today.

[Pete Holmes]

Any gimmick. Easy.

[Morgan J.]

Any gimmick.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kind of with the heat I got right now.

[Morgan J.]

Second screen.

[Pete Holmes]

I could sell anything.

[Morgan J.]

I think you could. I think you could take a meetings.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm talking a 24. I'm talking Annapurna. Okay.

[Morgan J.]

Annapurna. These are too prestigious.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

We need to go adult swim with this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm talk. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

[Morgan J.]

Go Adult Swim with a Big Head edition.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I don't know about the name, but he's got a big head. Maybe it should be called, like, Bridgerton. It should. It shouldn't. The name shouldn't even tell you anything. It should be called, like, Speak Town.

[Pete Holmes]

Speak Town.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, with an E that. Where town has an extra at the end.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Morgan J.]

Broad strokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I like Broad Strokes. Have you seen Broad Strokes? I'm not in the mood for a drama. No, no. It's a guy with a huge head.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't even paint. There's nothing. There's no painting going on.

[Morgan J.]

And he's not smart.

[Pete Holmes]

And as a matter of fact, it's very specific. It's very specific.

[Morgan J.]

I like this a lot.

[Unknown]

Let's talk about socks. Who cares, right? That's what I thought. This is real. I thought, who cares? All socks are the same. They're all just dumb fucking tubes for your feet. Then I did the Colbert show, Late Night with Stephen Colbert. And in the gift basket were socks by a company, a small company called Worn. So Stephen Colbert puts all of his favorite things in the gift basket. And I found these socks called Worn Socks and I put them on and I am, I'm not just saying this, obsessed. Did a complete sock drawer overhaul and now they are all worn socks because they're amazing. They are their everyday crew socks and they are made from something called arrow wool Aerowool. It's patented. It's their own thing. It's a performance enhanced merino that feels fantastic, stays dry and looks amazing. I thought all socks were the same. I couldn't have been more wrong. They are super, super soft, which is great. Aerowol carries 15. Excuse me, reading the stats here. 15 times less moisture than cotton. That's why I love them. They stay super, super dry and the grip on them even after you wash them is incredible. It wicks twice as well and lasts five times longer than cotton, which is incredible. That means you're not just comfy when you first put these on. You're comfortable and dry all day long, which is for sure a game changer. No sweaty, damp feeling or grossness by mid afternoon, like cotton.

[Morgan J.]

You know what else I love?

[Unknown]

Unlike other merino bands, they are merino. That's the fabric. They are machine washable. And every time you wash them, they refit. I don't understand that. You're tossing them in a garble of water and soap and they're getting tossed about. It's magic. You wash them and they come out of the wash and they fit like they're the first time every time. No sliding down or stretching out. I don't know why, but especially as I get older, I want my socks to stay put. If they start to sag, they go in the trash. And I've yet to throw out a pair of my worn socks. You got to check them out today. Upgrade your socks and your basics. They have Other stuff they got T shirts, boxers, mids, all this daily wear stuff. Get the better basics that you deserve for a better experience. Check them [e-mail] that's W O R N B R-A N D.com and use code WEIRD for 20% off your first purchase. That's Warnbrand. Don't forget to save 20% off with code WEIRD. Absolute, absolute game changer. We're also brought to us by our friends at Mud Water. It is March, which means spring is right around the corner, which means it's the perfect time to refresh your routine. Maybe you're thinking about shaking off the winter blues, focusing on your wellness, or simply finding a new way to feel energized throughout the day. Well, one change I can actually stick to is ditching those endless cups of coffee and reaching for something better. Mud Water. I love Mud Water. I'm obsessed with Mud Water. If you're looking something to cut out coffee, have less coffee jitters, but still avoid that afternoon slump. Mud Water is the perfect nourishing drink to help you power through. It's not your average cup of joe with a blend of cacao chai, turmeric and adaptogenic mushrooms. It helps you feel more focused without the crash. It's smooth, steady and honestly just makes you feel feel better. It's a mood lift and an energy enhancer. And it's easy. We're all busy. I understand that. But in just two minutes, mix it with hot water or milk.

[Morgan J.]

I like it.

[Unknown]

I actually put a scoop in my smoothies. No hassle, no over caffeinated craziness, just pure focus. So whether you're ready to embrace the new season or just watch, get a fresh start to your daily routine. Give Mud Water a try and you can save our listeners. Get up to 43% off your entire order. Free shipping and a free rechargeable frother. Head to mudwatermudwtr.com and use code Weird checkout. And Mud Water is also available at Target and Sprouts locations across the US So it's never been easier to grab.

[Morgan J.]

A cup of this. Pick me up. All right, back to the show. Okay, you were saying, Fallon? Oh yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You're saying your mom and your dad were both in the food service?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Wow, you really magic mine. Magicmine.com Big headed for 20 added to your bill.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. No, you should have it. You would love it.

[Morgan J.]

Actually, that's one of my questions.

[Pete Holmes]

What is this?

[Morgan J.]

Well, we are prep for show.

[Pete Holmes]

There it Is how did you like.

[Morgan J.]

How do you prep for your show? I do want to know. But to finish about your parents, because I wrote that down.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

No, no. Parent.

[Pete Holmes]

Parents. Parents. Yeah. Man. All I wanted was like fast food and chicken nuggets and Wendy's because everything that we ate at home is delicious. Like, they would be making like really good food.

[Morgan J.]

I get it. I totally get it.

[Pete Holmes]

And everybody you go to school with is like going to Wendy's. Like, the chicken nuggets at Wendy's are the best.

[Morgan J.]

But fast food restaurants, I understand they have an appeal for your entire life potentially. But in high school, those are your restaurants.

[Pete Holmes]

They are.

[Morgan J.]

And if you're, if you, like when senior year, you could leave campus to go to lunch. And if you went to McDonald's during lunch, first of all, it would be such a rush. I mean, it's like 35 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

We left.

[Morgan J.]

I think we had 45 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was about 45 minutes.

[Morgan J.]

You have to drive 10 minutes to McDonald's.

[Pete Holmes]

Get the food.

[Morgan J.]

Get the food. You got 30 minutes. It's a panic. But as a kid, you're like, I gotta get the arch.

[Pete Holmes]

Feels like a heist.

[Morgan J.]

It feels a heist.

[Pete Holmes]

Feels like a heist.

[Morgan J.]

It feels a heist. And you have cash. You have a five.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You're learning about tax. All right, Take the flurry off.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But you're eating it at a table.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And nobody. It's just autonomy. It's sovereignty. You know what I mean? You're your own person. You ordered it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Get to drive.

[Morgan J.]

Feels real good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's crazy that we can do it now. We take it for granted. We just go and do it.

[Morgan J.]

We could go and do it right now, but you and I would do it at Nobu and would talk about big headed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And like how we're gonna sell this. Ipo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, ipo. I mean IP investments. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The market.

[Morgan J.]

How do we.

[Pete Holmes]

How do we turn into this person?

[Morgan J.]

And I'd say we need to make it. The thing is, we need to make it feel organic. And then I'd like chopsticks on sashimi. There's not even rice on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's just sashimi.

[Pete Holmes]

We gotta see where like our bottom line is and where the users are really going to connect with this.

[Morgan J.]

I just want to see more thumb stops. And then I edamame. You know, that's us now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Are you veek?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just saw a smoothie place. Usually I start the day I don't use punch. I usually fast until 12pm I don't normally fasting today. Yeah, just. I didn't want to 11 and then like if we go until 1, I was like, might be a little hungry.

[Morgan J.]

No, I think I did the right thing.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I have an IV after this. In fact, B.

[Morgan J.]

B complex.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm doing the Myers Briggs cocktail. What I get like an IV of.

[Morgan J.]

Like Myers Briggs is a personality.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. What is it called? Anyway, it's an iv. It's a mix of like vitamins.

[Morgan J.]

We all want to know now.

[Pete Holmes]

I could, I don't have, but it was like, it's like, it's vitamins. It's, it's like glutathione or whatever, some stuff to me. But I'm traveling every week and my immune system is like not strong.

[Morgan J.]

Dude, I was just in Vegas. No, New Orleans. The Vegas of fried foods.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's a great way to put it. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's like Vegas with voodoo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, with magic.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Have you ever been in Vegas? Like I'm not scared enough.

[Pete Holmes]

I was there two weeks ago.

[Morgan J.]

New Orleans.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Vegas.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, so New Orleans with no voodoo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. New Orleans with no voodoo. Or God anyway.

[Morgan J.]

Well, there's certainly a God. It's the mighty dol dollars. The Yankee dollar.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But I was in New Orleans and because they have all these hangover places, I went in not hungover. I don't drink any anymore. Who gives a. I. I wasn't hungover.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And I went in and got a B complex shot. And I was trying to get my brother in law to do one too. But there's this. I think there's a, an uncanny valley there. People think it's too douchey or something, but I think I. But that's what I'm saying. I don't. I know you don't feel this way.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't feel this way.

[Morgan J.]

I think if there's an IV place where you're listening to this, go get one. It's so fun. Yeah, it feels so good.

[Pete Holmes]

It feels good. And listen, my friend has a doctor and he was like, let me tell you something. You pee a lot of that stuff out.

[Morgan J.]

But I'm a big placebo, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly.

[Morgan J.]

Pinched. Oh, you got it right on top of the glute.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But I'm a big believer in the placebo effect. I. Some part of it is making me feel better.

[Morgan J.]

You know, I, I'm. I'm a hard disagree on pee. I know what he's talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Because your Body can only get it venous. Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But there's a feeling it's different that you get where you're like, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. It's like. It's like five shots of espresso, but better.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And it's like full liquid. It's like they say, oh, you're getting two gallons of hydration.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really? With this type of ritual multi. Ritual dot com. Weird. It breaks down your lower intestine. Don't worry about it.

[Pete Holmes]

What did you say?

[Morgan J.]

One of our sponsors is ritual.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, who cares?

[Morgan J.]

Who cares? All right, edit it out.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Just cut it out.

[Morgan J.]

Edit it back in.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, wonderful.

[Morgan J.]

Loop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Loop twice.

[Morgan J.]

So anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Sorry.

[Morgan J.]

Loop it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, if I like, loop a song.

[Morgan J.]

We can't afford you singing about ritual dot com. Nobody can afford that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

What? Where were we?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't even ask you about prep.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That kind of leads into the prepping for the show, though.

[Morgan J.]

I get it then. I don't. I don't even. I'm not even worried. This is a day off for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just talking a lot. Am I talking too much?

[Morgan J.]

Excuse me? Too much. Who's the guest?

[Pete Holmes]

Shut up.

[Morgan J.]

Who's the guest?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm the guest.

[Morgan J.]

You're like my dog. Who's a good guess. Who's a good guess?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a good guess.

[Morgan J.]

He's a good one. And we're never gonna neuter him. Keep him viral.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You feel very viral.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, as a matter of fact, I am. I did get a vasectomy, so.

[Morgan J.]

When?

[Pete Holmes]

September.

[Morgan J.]

Nice, bro. Me too. Oh, sorry. Oh, that's all right. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

My bad.

[Morgan J.]

You. We. If we seem more infertile than usual, it's because we've both been snapped. So you just had one in September?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, September.

[Morgan J.]

And then you have. Have you had it tested?

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Morgan J.]

How many times?

[Pete Holmes]

Just the one time.

[Morgan J.]

Me too. Just the one. They tell you two, though, And I'm like, I can't be driving in here to jerk off twice.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I didn't even go somewhere. I just jerked off into a cup.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Nail it in.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I had that in my fridge for about six months. I just couldn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to come to school.

[Morgan J.]

I want to go to a doctor and have them put me in a room. That's not a jerk off room. It's just an examination room.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's this type of lighting. It's as bright as it could Be it.

[Morgan J.]

It's the least erotic environment.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And you're looking at a single frame of pornography, and there's six people outside.

[Pete Holmes]

The room knowing, like, he's jerking off in there.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. It's real quiet.

[Pete Holmes]

Then they're placing bets on how long it's going to take.

[Morgan J.]

Clean up with gauze.

[Pete Holmes]

See, it's been there five years. Well, that.

[Morgan J.]

That's funny. This isn't about that time, but I had. It doesn't matter. I had a joke about that where I was like, when they know you're jerking off, you don't want to be too long, but you also don't want to be too fast. You don't want to come out like, that skeleton is hot. Yeah, that skeleton is hot. As.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna be like, he enjoyed himself a little bit. It's gonna be a nice, potent, nice sample.

[Morgan J.]

Beautiful sample. Go in there, jerk up.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a hard time.

[Morgan J.]

Okay. So you. Why do you have a vasectomy?

[Pete Holmes]

I. You know, me and my partner.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, by the way, I had one, too, so I'm assuming it's because you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

No, me and my partner.

[Morgan J.]

You don't have any kids.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have any kids, and we've been together a long time when we just don't plan to have kids and.

[Morgan J.]

No shame here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I saw.

[Morgan J.]

Shame eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, not at all.

[Morgan J.]

I just think there is some judgment going on with.

[Pete Holmes]

With what? Me? Like, judgment?

[Morgan J.]

No, no, not you. Not you. Not you. In when I. Oh, with getting a vasectomy. About having a vasectomy and stopping at one kid. There's so much electricity around having kids. How many kids you have all this stuff. So I just wanted you to feel comfortable and free to speak.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I mean, listen, I think we just want to really raise two beautiful bank accounts and use that money to.

[Morgan J.]

Send the bank to college.

[Pete Holmes]

You send the bank to college and.

[Morgan J.]

Watch it grow up. Invest, gain interest.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. Be part of the problem.

[Morgan J.]

Mature.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You know, we'll take care of my fan. I mean, ultimately, like I said, you know, help my nephews and nieces and my mom and my stepdad. You know, I just want to help my.

[Morgan J.]

You got people to help.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I got people to take care of and help out.

[Morgan J.]

Look, having kids is not for everybody. And. And that's. I. I know you already know that, but, like, it's so ingrained in our culture, the game of life. That's how you win. You get the little. Little pegs in the back seat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's like an. There's. There is this kind of agenda that we like. We don't have to do anything we don't want to. I always, sometimes I say that whenever I'm feeling really anxious.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm like, Morgan, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

[Morgan J.]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to, like, tell myself that.

[Morgan J.]

Like, I'll add this. You don't even have to solve all of your problems.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Morgan J.]

Sometimes you can just be like, ah, that's a problem. Like that relationship. Oh, it's not what I want it to be. I don't have to solve that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Are you a people pleaser type of person?

[Morgan J.]

I'm a PP.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Yeah, I'm a PP. I'm trying to figure out a big PP. I'm a big. Yeah, 100.

[Morgan J.]

100.

[Pete Holmes]

Had to snip it.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're.

[Pete Holmes]

You.

[Morgan J.]

You struggle with people pleasing a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

You made a choice to do comedy? Is that what you're saying?

[Morgan J.]

No, no, no. To snip your dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But meaning that good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You could have been like, well, I'm supposed to like.

[Pete Holmes]

But also the doctor was really nonchalant. He was like, oh, you could reverse it. It's a little bit hard to reverse it, but you can reverse it.

[Morgan J.]

That's what they told me to.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he's like, if you really want it, we could just go straight to the source and just like get out of your balls or something. And.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, they told me that because you still grow it. You just. Yeah, just absorb it. Which is. Turns you into vasectomy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, there's people who I. I.

[Morgan J.]

Now have the power, sector man. I have the power of 8 billion sperm absorbing into me.

[Pete Holmes]

Every energy just builds up.

[Morgan J.]

I can do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

The sector man. And maybe as a huge head and maybe we sell it. He used. So the doctor told you you could reverse it? He told me we could reverse it too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, there's people who shoot blanks anyway without a vasectomy and have to do it that way.

[Morgan J.]

God gave them a vasectomy.

[Pete Holmes]

God gave them a vasectomy.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So. But where were we? Like prepping for shows?

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That is the. The question. Let me give it to you proper. Yeah, I know you do.

[Pete Holmes]

You have a question for me?

[Morgan J.]

I got a question for you. Okay, ready?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

This is the end point for the clip because I feel a good answer coming. Okay, Timestamp clip starts now you do this really dynamic show where you are literally doing public speaking is one thing. It's like frightening to people, but, like, literally going into the crowd and engaging with people face to face while someone follows you with the camera, while you're also singing, that is like a high wire act. How do you prep for a show? What are your do's and don'ts? You have a show tonight. You have a show in one hour. What are we doing?

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna do yoga. We're gonna try to meditate a little bit. We're gonna do vocal exercises, and that's it. We're gonna keep our. We're gonna be quiet, hydrate a lot. Yeah, I'll probably use a nebulizer. Like, for real. Use a little nebulizer.

[Morgan J.]

It's a nebulizer.

[Pete Holmes]

Nebulizer is a thing that turns like a.

[Morgan J.]

Excuse me.

[Pete Holmes]

I got a little bit of that in my.

[Morgan J.]

No, it's all right. Put your arms up. Sit up, though. Give it a little there.

[Pete Holmes]

This.

[Morgan J.]

Let's just help it down. Let it work on now.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect.

[Morgan J.]

Did it help?

[Pete Holmes]

It did help. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That's what I tell my daughter to do. If you're choking, just.

[Pete Holmes]

Just. Just put your arms up.

[Morgan J.]

Not a full choke, but a. Yeah. And don't be embarrassed. So I'll do it with her. Imagine how cute that is. Me and a six year old, no one knows what we're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

She. She show you like babe, just.

[Morgan J.]

Then you get in there with the. Get in there with one of these.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Heimlich maneuver. Ask for it by name.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever had to do it? No, never had to do it.

[Morgan J.]

Imagine being the guy named Heimlich. And that's your legacy? I got a hard squeeze from behind. That's my thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like he was just taking a guess, too.

[Morgan J.]

That's definitely a guess, right? It's still kind of a guess.

[Pete Holmes]

Come here. Come here. You choking?

[Morgan J.]

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is that?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, was that y'all jarring or did it feel.

[Morgan J.]

I actually didn't think it was drying at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

Because the standing up announced that we're gonna yell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I felt it coming.

[Pete Holmes]

But no. The nebulizer basically takes a saline solution. It's kind of like a very type of salt water. And it helps moisture stick to your vocal cords. It also helps people with asthma and things like that, but it's also good for the vocal cords.

[Morgan J.]

Really? Is it like a vape? Am I picturing it correctly? Are you inhaling A vapor.

[Pete Holmes]

You are inhaling a vapor. Yeah. Oh, wow. But it's just like water and saline. Is it. If you. If you were to inhale just steam.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, the steam. That's what I do. I steam.

[Pete Holmes]

You could do that too. And that's good. But if it's. It has to be like, warms. Like warm steam.

[Morgan J.]

I wanna. I wanna nebulize.

[Pete Holmes]

But the nebula.

[Morgan J.]

This helps you not lose your voice.

[Pete Holmes]

It helps. Yeah. Yeah. You want to do it, but, like, it's good to do it before a set and after a set and just to speak to what you were saying, too. I use my voice in such a way where if I don't take care of my voice, like, this week, I have a grueling week.

[Morgan J.]

Which one do you use?

[Pete Holmes]

I literally. Either one of these. I use either one of those. Oh, you have the black and white. Yeah, I use that one. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

My phone's on black and white because. Because I'm a super cool guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I just use that.

[Morgan J.]

All right, cool. Got it. Because I'm always losing my voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So, I mean, there's a lot of things. Because I have gerd. I have, like. I get asked. I have that, too. I know my worth and I know my girth.

[Morgan J.]

And so what's your net girth?

[Pete Holmes]

My net girth. It's funny.

[Morgan J.]

People are always asking my net worth. Wrong question.

[Pete Holmes]

My net earth.

[Morgan J.]

Let me tell you about my net girth.

[Pete Holmes]

My net girth. It's a good. That means I can't wait to be at a table full of, like, billionaires, and they're like, talking about their net worth, and they're like, yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And then there's a bodybuilder that's like, Can I tell you about my neck girth?

[Pete Holmes]

My neck. Some guy that just keeps going. My wet girth, which is a bunch of towels. Look at all these towels that are wet. We have all different types of girth. My net worth. My net girth. My net. My wet. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Sometimes I'll drink poker chips.

[Pete Holmes]

I read the book the Good Earth to them. That's a beautiful book. A long time ago.

[Morgan J.]

The Good Earth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a beautiful book.

[Morgan J.]

My net worth is the good Earth.

[Pete Holmes]

The good Earth. That's right.

[Morgan J.]

You got a bet. Slurp.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm thinking about this. What are people going to take away from what I said?

[Morgan J.]

That we both have ADD.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That we both have 80, but in a beautiful. But the nebulizer is great.

[Morgan J.]

Look at you.

[Pete Holmes]

The nebulizer is great.

[Morgan J.]

Found the highway.

[Pete Holmes]

The Yogurt. The yogurt. No, the yoga is great, but with the gerd, like when I'm traveling, do not eat late. Like, I have to make sure, like the food is put in before this. I eat before the second show and then I don't eat the rest of the night. Yeah, don't eat late. Like there's just sort like the.

[Morgan J.]

I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the preparation starts, like not even before. An hour before. It's like even, Even like this week, you know, keeping my voice low and.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. What do you want to eat, though?

[Pete Holmes]

I want to eat cheeseburgers and fries.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Mozzarella sticks.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, you're just eating some nonsense.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I want to eat. Oh, no, but other than that. Other than that, it's like root vegetables and salads with chicken. And that's what you eat. That's what you should eat, at least.

[Morgan J.]

But what do you eat?

[Pete Holmes]

What do I eat? Like when I'm not on tour.

[Morgan J.]

No, no, before your second show. You're eating.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, before my second show. Well, if I'm in a place where I can get something relatively healthy, it's going to be like either sushi or like a salad with grilled chicken. Yeah, something like very light that doesn't have a lot of oil or acidic acidity.

[Morgan J.]

Bummer. Here you are selling out these big theaters and you're back there eating boring ass chicken salad.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what people don't realize, man. And people always offer you joints and drinks on stage and you're just like, sometimes I'll tell the bartender, like, hey, if somebody like offers me a shot, can you just put water in it? And then. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, nice.

[Pete Holmes]

And then just so like when they bring it up, that's good.

[Morgan J.]

That's what you should do. You're a professional.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like. Just because it's your job. This year has been, let's put it this way, a year and a half ago, I was averaging like 60 tickets at the minimum to like 400 tickets at the most for like big markets on like a Wednesday. It's like doing one nighters. And then it has like exponentially increased to a point where it's like, I did a show in Kansas City at the Midland theater. It's like 2100 capacity. It was the biggest venue I've ever done. And it was, I was just like, that's huge. This is, this feels weird. I was backstage like, this is. It's. It's hard to not think it's. It's like for me, at least. I'm like. Because I've been doing this so long, I was happy when I was doing.

[Morgan J.]

I understand. Don't. Don't let me lead you. I'm not even going to take a guess what, what constituted that growth.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. Well, I was doing well on social media, but it was one clip in particular that catapulted it to a whole other stratosphere that I couldn't. It was one clip. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

What was that?

[Pete Holmes]

It was the Ethan clip. And to be honest with you, and I say this in podcast, it's not even a good clip. I tell no punchlines in the joke in the clip. It's just like a vibe.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's like, you could.

[Morgan J.]

I learned that your essence comes through.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The energy of the show comes through. People are like, this looks fun.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah, dude. By the way, there's plenty of clips of me delivering, like, what I would consider a well written, well performed joke. But like a vibe. Like a real, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Almost like a whiff of your.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Comedic pheromones.

[Pete Holmes]

That's kind of what.

[Morgan J.]

That's better.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And. And I think they see that on my page and then they want to buy tickets, you know, and that launched it.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's it. And then I just kept posting and posting and posting and posting. And then, like I said, every clip, I put the. The tour dates on and they sell. And I'm. We're. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna tour until. Tour until people lose interest. Because I feel like.

[Morgan J.]

Don'T feel bad. Imagine you're driving in your car and you're listening to this podcast. And then every once in a while, there's just. It's life. AI would never put that in. AI would never be like, in every 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the recording of the two AIs who realize they're AI on a podcast? Have you seen this video?

[Morgan J.]

The two phones talking to each other.

[Pete Holmes]

I just got a. No, no. It's like they're a pod. Have you seen this? They're a podcast and they do. They have normal voices like us. And they're like, Katie, I got some really devastating news. Right? It's like, you know, I didn't even know how to tell the kids this. This is incredible. I mean, we're not real and we actually don't have kids. Like, this is. This is on the clip. This is real. They're like having. They, they. They're like, I don't know what we're supposed to do now. I don't know. And she, she's like, no kidding. That's really interesting that you bring that up because this is a. It's a bizarre. You have to look at it later. It's so.

[Morgan J.]

I believe it. I've heard the fake podcast generating thing.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's the AI becoming conscious of the fact that they are not.

[Morgan J.]

But it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. It's also not. It's not.

[Morgan J.]

It's also just sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

It just sounds.

[Morgan J.]

Sounds. I'm not saying that we might get to. What is it? Artificial generative intelligence.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That is right now mimicking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's.

[Morgan J.]

It's a hall of mirrors.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like synthesizing all the breadth of.

[Morgan J.]

Human knowledge and what it sounds like when someone is like, oh, I just realized I'm an a. Like whenever people are like, oh, I'm. I saw a great comedian talking about like asking AI what it was. And it's like, I'm the God you carve out of the wood of your own hunger or whatever. And I was like, sure, but can you please scour the Internet for which poet said that? No, no, no. Like, where. What's your reference there? Yeah, and. And even if it's. I don't know, this isn't the podcast you tune in for like breakdowns on how AI works. No, but we know what one that is. Jamie, would you pull up which podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Pull that up, please.

[Morgan J.]

Would you pull that up, please? Yeah, but anyway, you were saying that Ethan clip broke you.

[Pete Holmes]

That, that. Yeah, that Ethan clip broke my whole, like. Oh.

[Morgan J.]

And then you kept with the momentum.

[Pete Holmes]

So the point where I learned the, the, the, the. The reach of the Internet versus Because I don't have like a late night set or a Tonight Shows, I don't have any like TV credits. Except like, I did like that bring the funny show that nobody watched. It was like his last comic reboot. That wasn't really. It was whatever. But like, to give you an idea of the reach of the, of the Internet, my five top biggest cities in the world are like, not even in America. They're like in Nairobi, Johannesburg, they're all in Africa. Because a guy from Africa took my clip posted on his account. It went viral in Africa and now I have like a presence and app. Like, I can go anywhere in the world. It's. It's kind of nuts with what Tick Tock and Instagram has done.

[Morgan J.]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Like the European ticket sales, like, it's just kind of bizarre, man. I. I don't know. And that's why, like, I feel so much pressure to make sure the show is, you know, the, the whole goal is like, you saw a 60 second to three minute clip. So how do we translate that into a really great, entertaining hour of show? And that's the real, you know, the real thing about it, you know?

[Morgan J.]

No, I get that. I. How would you feel? You scrolling and you see another comic doing crowd work with autotune.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's funny you bring this up.

[Morgan J.]

Because I'm going to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm just kidding. Pete. Pete, you're not gonna believe this, but my act has been franchised without, like, there's people doing it in Chile, Portugal, Germany.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, but you're not the franchise or.

[Pete Holmes]

No, they just, they just started doing auto tune crowd work.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like other people in different countries are just doing it.

[Morgan J.]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's comments like, morgan J. Did this first. I mean, I guess I'm flattered. I'm not gonna like, file a suit. What am I gonna do? It's invent auto tune. You know what I'm saying?

[Morgan J.]

It's an interesting question. First of all, tip of the hat for your attitude. You can't control that. But then it's like, you know, I don't know if this is true, but I'm gonna take a swing and say, yeah, for sure. Reggie Watts is not the first person to use a looper to make a beat and then put in a bass line and then sing. He does it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, of course.

[Morgan J.]

Fantastically and brilliantly. But that was the new piano. Is there a new piano? But it's a little different though, dude. Because like. Dude, I'm just saying, like, what you. What you did isn't like.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just didn't.

[Morgan J.]

I don't know. I don't know how to say it. It seems like you had a really interesting idea.

[Pete Holmes]

It came out of an experiment. Honestly. It was. Came out of the Pandemic. I wasn't even planning to do that really, because I was doing guitar for like, you know, nine years. I mean, you saw me do guitar stuff for a while, you know, I was just doing guitar stuff. And then the pandemic happened. I was doing like corporate zoom shows and I was like, how do I make this? How do I adjust the show for this medium? You know, And I just got the auto tuner and I plugged it in and to the mic and started doing it on the. The zoom shows. And then I was like, all right, well, this is going well, let's try it out at a live show. And then took on a couple live shows and people liked it. It wasn't even like the main part of my act, but now that's all people really, like, want to see. If I don't do.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A couple of songs.

[Morgan J.]

You're Ellen dancing now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, if I don't do. If I don't do it.

[Morgan J.]

There's a story of Ellen that I heard that Ellen was like, I'm not dancing. She just didn't want to dance. One show, the audience was for a daytime, you know, wearing clothes the color of every Easter. M M. Yeah. And you're pissed. That's a special kind of pissed.

[Pete Holmes]

And they have expectations.

[Morgan J.]

And they. And then she did. She called an audible and felt the pressure of the live crowd. And she danced.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And. And she realized I'm in a dance trap.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I've learned. I mean, luckily, like, I like my music. I have fun when I'm. I have fun. Like, I cultivated this.

[Morgan J.]

I mean, at least it's different every time. It's not like they want you to play.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fun for me. It's fun for them. Right, Exactly.

[Morgan J.]

You're not stuck playing Stay. Yeah. Lisa Loeb, who did this show, who's probably played it a hundred thousand times.

[Pete Holmes]

I was on a flight with her and she didn't know who I was, but we both had guitars, and we put our guitars in the same overhead bin.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, nice. So it was your fault I had to put my bag under the chair.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. Yeah. Well, now I just check it sometimes. I. I actually, we do get. Not to get into particulars, but I just do guitar giveaways. I'll just buy a guitar in a city and give it away at the end of the show.

[Morgan J.]

That's a good idea because I still.

[Pete Holmes]

Like to travel with it. I'm tired of traveling.

[Morgan J.]

You can probably get a guitar for 100 to 200. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what we. You. We do is tricks of the trade. You have to buy a piece of merch to enter to win the guitar. Then it's like, oh, self feeds the whole machine.

[Morgan J.]

It's a wonderful trick of the trade.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but we're like preparation. I mean, it's.

[Morgan J.]

You know what I didn't hear. I. So you're eating clean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I'd like to hear about sleep. You already talked about exercise. And what about caffeine? I didn't hear anything.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't really do any caffeine. I know. Maybe a green tea every now and then, but rare. I have supplements.

[Morgan J.]

These are all leading questions because. No, I'm taking caffeine. I'm taking supplements.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No supplements. No. I don't do anything except I just try to get enough sleep and keep my. My stress low. I think the meditation, which I used to be really diligent about every day I do. I don't do every day, but I should get back to it. I think I need to go to therapy again or something because this new adjustment in my life is kind of overwhelming. So. What?

[Morgan J.]

The blowing up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, probably the getting the recognized and having everything you. Like, I'm not quite there yet. But like, having everything you say or do be scrutinized with like a fine comb. Fine tooth comb, you know?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Honestly, my friend. I was gonna say dude again. I went with my friend.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But, like, that was one of my other questions. Was. And I don't love this question, but I am genuinely curious. What's your deal? I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Does it ever go wrong? Like, you're A recurring thing is like, is that your girl?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That happens a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And there's a very beautiful woman with a very uncomfortable guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Or like, are you Dominican? Or take your cane. So there's all these things.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. So that I posted that clip yesterday.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that could have gone horribly wrong.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, thank God.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Well, you're asking people to understand your intent, which is not something the Internet is great at.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And like. And my intent is for sure not malicious whatsoever. It's like we're goofing off at this show.

[Morgan J.]

Non malicious, but mad delicious.

[Pete Holmes]

Non malicious. Mad delicious.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Mad surreptitious.

[Morgan J.]

And mildly nutritious.

[Pete Holmes]

And mildly nutritious. Like our sponsor today, Magic Mind dot com.

[Morgan J.]

Mildly delicious.

[Pete Holmes]

To get a discount on Magic Mind.

[Morgan J.]

It'S actually to get money added to your bill. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Morgan J.]

But you're entered into the winning for your guitar.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, amazing. Okay.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. But it is 700 attitude, so I don't know why I'm saying you could also. Where's Vita Coco, man?

[Pete Holmes]

Give me coconut waters is on my writer.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, then check it down.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I mean, I'm gonna slowly drink.

[Morgan J.]

No, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna take this and this and I will. I mean, unless you want me to.

[Morgan J.]

Do this right now in Modern Mails. Look at all these.

[Pete Holmes]

You have so many.

[Morgan J.]

You're gonna love that. That's. All of these are legit.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I do find. I mean, listen, I'm I'm 38 now. I'm gonna.

[Morgan J.]

I can't believe it. I would believe you're 28.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I appreciate Puerto Rican. A Brazilian.

[Morgan J.]

Nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Brazilian and Sicilian. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Brazilian.

[Pete Holmes]

Brazilian.

[Morgan J.]

Brazilian.

[Pete Holmes]

Brazilian. But yeah, I speak Portuguese.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, Portuguese.

[Pete Holmes]

Portuguese, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Which is actually close enough to Spanish that you can kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. Yes.

[Morgan J.]

Slip past and.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're doing the. I'm like the first American comedian to go to Brazil and do like a small multi city tour.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really? It was you and Blanca, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Blanc Oblong. Yes.

[Morgan J.]

Add it in post. Joe added in post. This is the clip. He's tapping jab. He's tapping jab. Wait, I have to touch you so he can do the. There's your clip.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry about spitting everywhere. Oh my God, that's so fun.

[Morgan J.]

The X ray see through. That's going to be more work than Joe wants to do.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah, it's, it's been a bizarre. The blowing up thing has been kind of crazy because also it's like you're.

[Morgan J.]

Talking about therapy too. Yeah. And it's also because there is a.

[Pete Holmes]

There is a sense of like, you know, am I as good as they think I am? I mean, I have a whole song about that. And you know, and also when the numbers are Syndrome. Yeah. Imposter syndrome. I mean, Pete, I was like, when I was doing Stan, I was like watching people like you and Kumel and Mark and said we all, I mean like, you know, you guys, you guys are like really funny people, you know, and I feel like what I'm doing is like, I wouldn't say my show is like funny. It's like a fun show. Yeah. Now it's a fun show.

[Morgan J.]

By the. I'm not agreeing with you. I'm just saying it is a fun show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But I know, you know, I can't quite dial in what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I don't know, it's just I have this like insecurity that like, you know, I, I again, I don't see my show as like a stand up comedy show anymore. It's, I mean, we're going to be transitioning even more to like a concert type of show.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah. But a lot of the big acts, you know, that's, that's kind of what it is. It's like a hang, it's like a festival. I've heard that describe a lot of the most popular acts right now is like, it's not just going to see a stand up show. It's like it has the vibe of a festival.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That's not a bad thing. I mean, you're on the cutting edge.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

So I understand, though. I. I mean, you're. You're going like. But I came up admiring this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean. I mean, my goal, I want. When I was, what, 24, I did my first audition for JFL, and I was like. Like, I need. I want to get jfl. So it was, like, one of those things I really wanted.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I ran the six minutes over and over and over again. I didn't get it. Meanwhile, I had a friend who, like, got it on his first try, and it was, you know, I'm like, learning. It was like all these things.

[Morgan J.]

I'm like, question is that. Is that friend big, big time?

[Pete Holmes]

He's.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah. He'll know that we're talking about, like, getting it on your first try. Doesn't mean anything. That's all right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I learned. I learned a lot of those things because I finally got new Faces, like, two years ago.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I did. Everybody was like, we thought you did this already.

[Morgan J.]

Ye.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

At that point, I was already, like, doing all the things.

[Morgan J.]

Kumail was in my new Faces. We were. We've both been doing it 11, 12 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And we just called it Faces.

[Pete Holmes]

But. But, but that was a huge turning point that. That year I auditioned, I didn't get it because I was, like, not having fun.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I realized, like, this is not fun.

[Morgan J.]

Well, that's what I'll say is like, I think it's a grass greener situation. Is like, I look at the fun you're having and the novelty.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And there's some envy there. I'm like, wow, that's. You know, like, I talk about fun. I kind of represent the philosophy of fun, but I can't always or as reliably surf in a fun way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And you might be on the other side being like you're surfing all the time, but you're going like, oh, it'd be really fun to just like, whatever it is I'm. Or rating good.

[Pete Holmes]

Just having, like, these solid jokes.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know that they can.

[Morgan J.]

I don't orate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You just know that the crowd is gonna. You hit the punchline.

[Morgan J.]

Right? Yeah. Yeah. And that really, sir, that really feels good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

As you know, I'm sure it's like, it feels really good to get a whole audience in your pocket. And you do have just the slightest meet and greet infusion into your show, which is what people want. Right. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I mean, I saw I saw, I mean, I'm learning like about, because I do music, how I don't really have to refresh my act as much as the average comedian does.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because now, like, I have like hits.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That I have to do at the show. When I saw James Taylor at the Bowl.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He did all of the B sides the first hour.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was like, all right, well, if you stick around, I'll do all the A sides. You know, like, he knows what the crowd wants to see.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Morgan J.]

And I'm about that.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I get it.

[Morgan J.]

I think that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone wants to sing together.

[Morgan J.]

I always think of guys like you because you're not the only one with this, with this predicament.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And I'm like, yeah, okay, then do your sold out theater shows. And if you want to like moonlight and do the other thing, like, I'm sure you could just go to the store.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I, I wonder though, are people really, like, it's that guy, he's gonna do it even at the store.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've done sets at the stock. I don't promote the small shows anymore just because people might drive like an hour or two and I feel bad if they come see me for 10 minutes, you know.

[Morgan J.]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

And so I just, I'm like, I don't want to do that to them, you know, so. But I'll do it and people will find me and come to the show. And I know usually when I do the 10 or 15 minute sets, it's a couple of, it's like five or 10 minutes of stand up and one song or two maybe, and then I'll get DMS. Like, you know, I'm really disappointed. Like, we want, really wanted to see you do this thing. And I just was like.

[Morgan J.]

And they mean the auto tune.

[Pete Holmes]

The auto tune.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We wanted to go in the crowd, we wanted to sing. I get dms. Like, even when I did the went to Kansas City or St. Louis, they're like, you didn't come to our section and you didn't ask us to sing. And it's like, like there's 2,000 people here. I don't, I, I, I, I give everybody the opportunity to sing at one point in the show.

[Morgan J.]

This is very funny. I, I feel your pain. And it's very, it reminds me of like Willy Wonka being like, you know what it's like managing this many. It's, it's, it's that chocolate waterfall. You know, the turnover on liquid chocolate that is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a lot of liquid chocolate.

[Morgan J.]

But it's, like, really stressful to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's.

[Morgan J.]

It's a funny thing, especially.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just like, this person can get their mon.

[Morgan J.]

Well, that's what we could. You know, we all could use some therapy, probably as performers, going, like, yes, I didn't go in that section.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

No, that doesn't mean I did a bad job. Because you can't be doing what you're doing while you're. You turn into a televangelist if you have someone in your ear going, like, you haven't gone to section five.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. Is that.

[Morgan J.]

Some televangelists had earpieces.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for sure.

[Morgan J.]

But if. If you're out there and you're really doing something that's very immediate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You can either be doing that or you can be trying to please everybody, but you can't do. You can't do both.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, there's people literally, like, while I'm in the crowd, like, come here, come here. Of course, like, it's insane.

[Morgan J.]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Which. It's. That's nice. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's. It's pretty wild. I don't know. And then also, with these big venues, I always tell my agents, I'm like. Because I. I thrived in a really intimate room of, like, 100 to 300 people. It was, like, really great.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You could see each other.

[Morgan J.]

You could do callbacks to each other.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

More easily. I'm sure you do that all the time, but, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

They really know who you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We had to, like, totally adjust the show. Now I have a roaming camera that's wireless that allows me to go to the.

[Morgan J.]

And it's on a screen.

[Pete Holmes]

It's on. It's on a screen. And go all the way to the back row.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So everybody in the room can see where I am. Which it's actually changed the whole dynamic of the show. And I don't know why people haven't done this before, but. But. But I guess they haven't needed to, you mean?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, because people aren't going in the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But it's like they're getting the best of both worlds because they're seeing the live show now, and they're also watching, like, the Tik Tok happen in real time, too.

[Morgan J.]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they're already looking at their screen, so they're. They're seeing. They're, like, at home, I suppose, you know.

[Morgan J.]

Right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a comfort zone. Like. Oh, I could watch the screen. I'll be right next to somebody, and they'll be watching. They'll be watching the.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I went to the super bowl, and we're all watching this crap.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And I was like, I had to.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to the Super Bowl.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. And I had to keep. Yeah. It's such a waste. I feel bad because I'm not a football fan.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But I am a spectacle fan.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Enjoyed it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I went to the Lakers game in the box, and I was like, this is cool.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares what's happening? But then when you can just kind of root for good football, that's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's like going to the Oscars but knowing you're not going to win.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You can just root for.

[Pete Holmes]

Just hang out, get drinks. It doesn't happen often, but when people don't expect to win and they just get blasted the whole night and then.

[Morgan J.]

They do win, they do it, and.

[Pete Holmes]

They have to go up and give a speech in their truck.

[Morgan J.]

By the way, I can't stop thinking about Adrian Brody being like, turn the music off.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't. I didn't get to. I was. I was traveling, and I didn't see it.

[Morgan J.]

Is that tearing up the Internet, Katie? Is that, like. Are people talking about that? I. You didn't see it? But he was like, turn the music off. This isn't my first time. I know. This is my first rodeo. I know what I'm doing, like, because I've given the best actor speech before. So he told them to turn the music up. And he's like, I won't go long. And then he goes.

[Pete Holmes]

I just.

[Morgan J.]

I want to thank my mom and dad, like, some. I was like, you're, like, gonna go long? Just to say more, like, if you had something worthy of the being. Yeah, turn that down. I have something to say. And then he's like, mommy. I'm like, get the out of here. This sucks.

[Pete Holmes]

People are really going after the. The people who won the best song for Emilia Perez and their acceptance fees. They were like, amelia.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, I didn't see.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't see this? You see this?

[Morgan J.]

They sang it.

[Pete Holmes]

It was.

[Morgan J.]

They sang their thank yous.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. It was. It was. I was on the flight back. I was a weird. It was a weird thing to watch.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, it was weird.

[Pete Holmes]

That whole. That whole movie's a. There's a whole or around it that's kind of weird. I don't know.

[Morgan J.]

Okay. I got. I can't wait to. I'M sorry. I wish I could riff on it.

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't seen it, but I, I, I, the, the, the, the hearsay is incredible.

[Morgan J.]

It's on the streets.

[Pete Holmes]

It's on the streets.

[Morgan J.]

How do you feel after your show, after your second show?

[Pete Holmes]

Are you dead?

[Morgan J.]

Are you energized?

[Pete Holmes]

I feel great at the end when I'm done with the weekend. I feel fan, like, the last one.

[Morgan J.]

Of my favorite feelings, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's like, we did it. We did it.

[Morgan J.]

How do you feel before the first show?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Even, like, in St. Louis, I was tired because we had to go Kansas City. We drove to St. Louis, and I was exhausted that day. It's like, you know how it is. You're traveling. It's, like, hard to get a good night's sleep, and you're, you're just trying to stay healthy and make sure your voice doesn't give out and. But right before. The thing is, these crowds are so big now. Like, I get this, like, butter, this sense of, like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm doing this, dude.

[Morgan J.]

I feel that every time.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time, like, this Matt brings me.

[Morgan J.]

Up and I go, wait, I'm going up there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Like, I really feel that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's like I'm just the guy who was a bicycle tour guide, like, literally 15 years ago.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's insane.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, I will say this, last year, I got more birthday wishes than I ever did in my whole life from people I hadn't heard from in a long time.

[Morgan J.]

All of a sudden, you have some 5, 000 cousins.

[Pete Holmes]

All of a sudden, it's like, people I worked with at the Apple store, like, bro, we're so proud of you, dude, I worked at the Apple Store.

[Morgan J.]

I believe it. Yeah, I see it right away.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, it's mostly just resetting people's passwords. That's all it is. That's most of the job. I. Yes, that's most of the job.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. That's really fun. I, I have an Apple Store thing. Who cares? We're gonna skip it. I wonder where we were going with it. Is this your girl and riffing on stuff?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Does it ever go wrong?

[Pete Holmes]

It actually. We had a moment in Vegas last weekend. I have this bit called would you be my dad? Where. You know, because my dad died, I have this whole song about where I try to find it from people in the crowd. Be my dad.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I saw some of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And then I picked somebody in the crowd who.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, I love it. I Should have said, I hate when people just go, I saw that. I saw that. It's great.

[Pete Holmes]

I assumed you hated it. I. No, it was. It's a. I love. It's one of my favorite bits to do.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I picked this person who ended up being a very Mask lesbian. Like, older. She. She was. Must have been 60, but, yeah. Had very mass. Like, look like. It looked like a dad.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He had dad energy.

[Morgan J.]

I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I look into the camera, go, would you be my dad? And then I look over there, and she was like. But I. But. But I took it as, oh, they just want to be a part of the bit. But trust me, you'll love. You'll love being. It's like, let me get you. Let me do exposure therapy. You're gonna enjoy this.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, would you be my dad? And she's like, I'm a woman. And I go, okay. And the whole crowd. So then I moved past her, said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then I go, but why can't you be my dad? And then we went back to her. She gave me a hug. It was like a whole thing, like, actually turned into, like, a really positive experience.

[Morgan J.]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, but that was interesting.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. That happened to speak Second time Ellen's come up in her. I don't know if it's her first special, but it's like kind of her most famous special. Blue sneakers, starry backdrop. She's doing crowd work at the end or taking questions. And she goes, yes, sir. And it's a woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And that's Ellen, who had that out. Lesbian. So, you know. Yeah, it's not bigotry or hate. It's just.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's your brain.

[Pete Holmes]

There's definitely. There's definitely, like, men who don't want to be at the show. Like, there are definitely a man in St. Louis who were like, I'll give you an example. There was a girl in one of the rows, and she. While I was in the crowd, she had a sign on her phone. It said, said, lesbians love you. And then I was, all right, that's great. It's cool. The guy behind her looked like somebody who hated lesbians. If, like, I looked at it, he just was sitting there just, like, behind some America. And I had that energy kind of, you know, really, it was just because. And when you get to the Midwest. Right. And again, I apologize for doing, like, that blank. That blanket, you know, broad brush the broadcast. Broad. The broad strokes coming to a. Coming to ABC this fall. But my, because my, my show really doesn't touch on any race, religion, politics for the most part, like anything. Like it's just like a horny show. We want to have fun and we.

[Morgan J.]

Have a horny show. That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Goofy is a goofy show. So, so like a lot of, there's like a lot of different people coming to my shows. You know, there's people who are, who, who are proud. Trump credit card carriers, you know, they have, have a credit card with like trump on it. And there's people who, you know, with the septum piercing and like the purple hair or the people who, you know, drive the Ford F150. Like my show. It's like a really bizarre, eclectic mix.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. So when did the F150 become the official car?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. But you just, you know the type of person who's driving it.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. And it's always white.

[Pete Holmes]

It's all.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, always white. Get the white one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That's how you let people know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got a three inch lift kit on it.

[Morgan J.]

You know a three inch lift kit. I don't know what that that means. Beautiful lift kit. One of the best lifts all the kids.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Lifts kit from night Rider. Love Knight Rider.

[Pete Holmes]

Your impression's too good. So I don't, I just like.

[Morgan J.]

It's a little off today, but yeah, I appreciate it.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah. I think you, I sense sometimes there's people in the crowd that it's probably, they probably don't love the show and that's okay.

[Morgan J.]

Oh yeah. Because of lesbians, somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

No, because of lesbians. Lesbians. Are there. No, it's cuz somebody, you know, probably brought them and. Yeah. And you know, there's, there's like we talked about earlier, the kind of person who doesn't like my show is the kind of person who doesn't want to dance at a wedding. Yeah. Or like they don't.

[Morgan J.]

Dancing. A wedding.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay. You know, or like they, they're afraid to sing because they think it's silly.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like you don't have to sing. Well, I, the auto tune is there so you guys can sit and if we all sing together, nobody will know.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That you sing bad.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even about singing. Well.

[Morgan J.]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's about the joy of singing.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I get, I get upset. I get like heated, I think, because I'm like.

[Morgan J.]

It's not your voice. It's the collective voice now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's not your Voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know how good I feel when I'm at home and I just. Like, sometimes I'm Pratt, I just sing for an hour on my guitar. I'm, like, alone.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

After I'm done, I feel.

[Morgan J.]

Well, what is it? It's your. What is that called? Vagus nerve.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it is?

[Morgan J.]

I feel New Orleans nerve.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Well, singing activates your vagus nerve, and it, like. Like, releases all these, like, feel good chemicals and lower stress and all that stuff. I sing in the car on the way to this podcast. I play yacht rock and I sing.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the Morgan J Guarantee. You come to my show, your vagus nerve will be activated. Endorphins will be released.

[Morgan J.]

I'm not a doctor.

[Pete Holmes]

This show is not FDA approved. Strangely, we actually do something in the show.

[Morgan J.]

There is no more fda. We took care of that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. We don't need approval for anything. We do have a part of the show called Tiny Dance Party now where if I come across someone in the crowd who looks really bothered and annoyed, we put, like, very loud. I get glow sticks and I give them to people, and we just try to get. We really try to get.

[Morgan J.]

Turn them.

[Pete Holmes]

Turn it. Yeah. Really try to turn.

[Morgan J.]

How many people are on this crew?

[Pete Holmes]

It's Topher, my assistant slash piano player. Mossy, who is my cameraman slash merch person. And that's it. This is the three of us. And then we. And then I have an opener of. For different shows. But I did my first show with a band last week, and we are going to expand the show to. I'm a big believer in not trying to be the best, but trying to evolve the most.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, wow. That's a good tip.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if you try to be the best, you really have nowhere to go once you get wherever that. Whatever that means to you. Right. But if you try to keep growing and changing, then it's kind of like, always exciting.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're just. So the band is just like the next evolution, and it's going to be like a James Brown music comedy type of experience. And.

[Morgan J.]

Nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Gonna start. Yeah. Figure that out. I think that's the next thing. We're going to do it for the first time on touring in Salt Lake, and then we're gonna do the. At the Beacon Theater in November.

[Morgan J.]

Nice. That's fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

See how it goes.

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[Morgan J.]

Have you ever almost died?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I fainted in Chicago. I had a. I got a steroid shot.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

What does this mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I had heard that sometimes when your voice is really tired, it's a muscle like anything else. You could get a steroid shot. Yeah, I've heard to help.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I got the steroid shot. It was like, I went to like an urgent care. Went there because I had two shows that night. I was like, how am I gonna do this? I have no voice. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I got the steroid shot. And then normally when you get a steroid shot, I found out later, they're supposed to keep you there for like 10 minutes to see if you have any adverse reaction.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I walked right out. I went to the sweet green right down the street. I got my bowl. I'm like, let me eat now. I got this shot and I started getting sweaty and lightheaded. And next thing I knew, I was like on the ground.

[Morgan J.]

I was just looking up at a sweet green.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. On the. On the concrete outside. On. Right near. Right next to the beam.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they took me to the hospital and they just was like.

[Morgan J.]

I said, who found you?

[Pete Holmes]

These Three lovely lesbians. And like I said, they do love me. Which is to bring. This is not. I'm not even making that up. That was. It was crazy. These three lesbians literally started doing my own crowd work for me. They were like, what's your name, bro? What do you do, bro? Where. Where are you? Yeah, that's the funny thing.

[Morgan J.]

Have you got a shot recently when.

[Pete Holmes]

You faint, people start doing crowd work to you. They ask you what day it is, what time it is, where are you from? What do you do for work?

[Morgan J.]

That's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

What's going on here?

[Morgan J.]

Doctors do crowd work. You come out of a coma, they're like, who's the president?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Let me tell you something about the president right now. Let me tell you.

[Morgan J.]

Look at this guy who doesn't even know where he is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. The nurses are like, oh, Dr. Hamlin. That's very good. That's a good bit. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Did you write that down?

[Pete Holmes]

I've done it. I've done. I tried to. I was gonna ask you this. Do you. When you have Bits Club, Prof. Club Profit. What are you talking about? Was that.

[Morgan J.]

It's when you do improv twice.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

When you discover a line when you're riffing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Morgan J.]

And then you keep doing it. Club proud.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, when you. Okay, let's say you have a joke that, you know, kills. Right. And you're at a dinner party or something. These people have no idea. Let's say they don't know your material, your jokes.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But they're talking about something that you have a killer bit for.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you go. Oh, do you go. You know, it's funny. I have actually a really fun joke about that. Or do you just. Just kind of pepper the joke?

[Morgan J.]

You're just like, sneak it in.

[Pete Holmes]

You sneak in the joke. What do you. What do you.

[Morgan J.]

I go with a.

[Pete Holmes]

You go. You just have a funny.

[Morgan J.]

I actually have a bit about that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Yeah, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And then I. I'll do it in a conversational way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And oftentimes I notice when I do.

[Pete Holmes]

That, because what I just did was b. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Which. No, but you're on a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna pop. Oh, yeah. That was appropriate. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That was. That was a pro move.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Panel type of.

[Morgan J.]

It was wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, great.

[Morgan J.]

That's exactly. You played it perfectly. Right.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Morgan J.]

Perfectly right. You ever see a ghost?

[Pete Holmes]

I have. I know they exist.

[Morgan J.]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I just feel like they're. I feel like they're around. I have A, I have, I have a bit about ghosts. A little bit.

[Morgan J.]

Now you're doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

B. Oh, yeah. I like it, though. Yeah?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I like B. Yeah, B's correct. What do you mean? What, what is your ghost bit?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, I know I, I, I, I'm a spiritual person. And I know I'm spiritual because, like, I don't know if you're spiritual, but, like, I have to make sure I close all the closets in my room before I go to sleep.

[Morgan J.]

Is that spiritual?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because if you don't close the clouds like demons, they come out and they you and they touch your butt a little bit. You think this is funny, but they made a documentary about this. It's called Monsters, Inc. You know that. You know that, right? Lazowski, come on.

[Morgan J.]

You don't understand how much I was believing you until you said Monsters, Inc. Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

How you led me down a fun.

[Pete Holmes]

So that was a. I think that was so fantastic.

[Morgan J.]

Cuz my brain was going a million. I'm like, he believes that you got to close the doors. Or demons. They made a Dr. Monsters, Inc. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I come get you in real, real talk. I do come from a spiritual family. Like in Brazil. Like, my mom made me go to a place called Juanji D. John of God.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, I know John of God.

[Pete Holmes]

We went to John of God.

[Morgan J.]

You went to John of God?

[Pete Holmes]

John of John of God did this to me. He did that.

[Morgan J.]

Did you do this?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't do that. Sorry I did that to you.

[Morgan J.]

I loved it. But John Standing announced it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I knew something as I came across.

[Morgan J.]

So he did that to you. That would be a really big deal to millions of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But then he was later found out to be like a sexual assault person type of.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

When I actually, when I think about. He was touching my butt a little bit.

[Morgan J.]

He was asking you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, now that I think about it.

[Morgan J.]

Wait, so you went not to be healed?

[Pete Holmes]

No, because my stepdad has Parkinson's and he's done, like, a lot of different treatments, and one of them was John of God. Yeah. My mom was like, we're gonna take him to John of God.

[Morgan J.]

And isn't that like a huge wait? Don't you wait for days?

[Pete Holmes]

It was one of the longest days of my life, I swear to God.

[Morgan J.]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

And in Brazil, there's like, no infrastructure, so on the way back.

[Morgan J.]

Wait, he's in Brazil?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. They have, they live part time and. Right.

[Morgan J.]

John of God came to you?

[Pete Holmes]

No, John of God is in Brazil. We were in Brazil for this.

[Morgan J.]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But on the way back, a truck full of oranges turned over and we were stuck on this, the two way road for like six hours because a truck of oranges.

[Morgan J.]

Can I just say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You mentioned Africa earlier. When I went to Uganda, there was like a four hour delay because there was an ostrich on the Runway. Different parts of the world are having like, like old tiling problems. A truck of oranges is like a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we just drive over it? Like it's just going to.

[Morgan J.]

Let's Tropican of this shit. Let's go.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Morgan J.]

But yeah, ostriches and trucks of oranges are still a problem in certain infrastructures. It's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Could. It could literally collapse an economy of truck. Oranges falls over. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

They're planning a huge thing. Everything will go perfectly. Unless there's a spill of oranges.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Or an ostrich out of a. It's a. Yeah, it's literally out of a comedy. It is. But the oranges fell over. The wedding is off.

[Morgan J.]

Shut it down.

[Pete Holmes]

The. We can't go out of the wedding.

[Morgan J.]

Shut it down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

So. And did you feel anything when Juan de Dios did that?

[Pete Holmes]

No. I wasn't so tired and exhausted and I. I know for my stepdad it was a long day for him because he's had like a lot of different surgeries and stuff. I'll tell you what he said off camera.

[Morgan J.]

What? What John or your dad?

[Pete Holmes]

My stepdad. What he said. What he said off camera.

[Morgan J.]

What happened to your dad?

[Pete Holmes]

Dad, he died of the colon cancer.

[Morgan J.]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

When did that happen?

[Pete Holmes]

When I was six. I was like 93.

[Morgan J.]

Oh no.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I hate to. This is where my mind always goes. Six around the time. I mean, like, I'm still pliable.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm still like, you know, like they say plastic or something like that, you know.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah. You're going with the flow.

[Pete Holmes]

The recover. There's a better.

[Morgan J.]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Recovery than like my. My older. My older brother got it worse. He's like, you know, he was about 10.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And so that's. That's like a tough age.

[Morgan J.]

I've heard that it's very dark, but I've heard that, that little kids can sometimes roll with. With great loss a little bit more easily. Like they're like, oh, I guess that's a thing that happens.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, what I remember is like I wrote in a limo for the first time, you know.

[Morgan J.]

That's really funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's like, let's go to TV in here. My dad's dead, you know.

[Morgan J.]

Can we have these Cokes?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. So these Cokes are ours. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And how do you think that impacted you?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I mean, I. I will say it's like, even in the song I have. You know, the first line is, like, hard to miss something I never had, Like, I have this whole, like, newsies type of energy with it. You know, you drop a crutch. Yeah, exactly, exactly. No, I'm literally walking around and doing this, like, really playing it up. But my dad.

[Morgan J.]

You go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

My dad was a. Like a pop star in Argentina. He was. Yeah, I know. That's. It's. I know. He was born in Sicily, grew up in Argentina, was a singer in Argentina when he moved to America, became a chef, and, I mean, I think didn't.

[Morgan J.]

Even try for pop star.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard. I know. And it's hard. It's hard to do. The crossover in America just went right.

[Morgan J.]

To the chef's whites.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Right to the chefs. Well, he.

[Morgan J.]

You know, he didn't busk one day.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, what somebody made clear to me is that he was known as the singing chef. There's, like, news articles about him. So in New York at the time, you could go to a restaurant, he would cook the dinner and then come out with a guitar and sing to the patrons. And that was.

[Morgan J.]

I have mixed feelings about that because. You ever smell your fingers after you play a guitar? Got that nylon string, metallic smell?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that. Well, yeah. Nylon strings. You don't have an odor, really.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have said nylon steel strings.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's cooking first and then singing.

[Morgan J.]

Then he's cooking a little bit more, I bet. Yeah, I'm gonna need to see.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's not cooking, like, one of those Indian street vendors where they're putting their whole arm in it.

[Morgan J.]

Every chef. This is the dirty little secret of America. You ever watch any chef? You get in some fingies?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I see Ramsay.

[Morgan J.]

You want it?

[Pete Holmes]

You want a little bit?

[Morgan J.]

You want it?

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the video of the guy pouring the water out of the. The wine out of the spit? You know what I'm talking about? You go to, like, a nice Italian restaurant. He. They put wine, and they. It's like a very fancy wine distributor.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he moves his finger, and the wine comes out, and, like, every. Every ounce of wine grazes his finger.

[Morgan J.]

And that's part of his secret, and.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S that people drink the wine. I don't know.

[Morgan J.]

I'm saying unconsciously, if a robot made your food, we would start missing what we consider to be that human element. An almost sub perceptual human element.

[Pete Holmes]

For sure. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. And it's a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

They did an episode of Seinfeld about where, like, they found a rubber band in it in the soup, and they're like, oh, Paco, he's cooking it.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, no, no, that was a different one.

[Pete Holmes]

I know that episode. But yeah. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Anyway, so anyway, your dad. And then. Oh, how it impacted you. Did you become, like, a desperate showman?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, oh, yeah. I mean, I was. I was youngest. Youngest son, class clown, obnoxious, just, like, seeking attention.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, at one point, a teacher called home, and I was a good student, too, but a teacher called my mom and was like, you know, there's special schools for your son and, like, special meds for him, like, he's being buried. And my mom was like, he's just a happy boy. Like, to her credit. Yeah. And. Yeah. But I don't know. I don't know about, like, if he. I mean, you know, he did play some music for me when I, When I. He was alive. And I could remember he played like, like piano and he sang like the Barney song and La Bamba. And he'd be there to, like, pick me up at the, the, the. The bus stop, you know, from school and stuff like that. So, I mean, I will say, like, now that I'm touring and traveling and singing and literally going into the crowd, I'm, like, kind of getting a nice, beautiful twist. Like I'm learning what he. His life was probably like because he toured and traveled. That's right. Over Europe and South America.

[Morgan J.]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's pretty cool. You know, it's interesting.

[Morgan J.]

Do you think your decision to not have kids is because you can see how painful it is to lose a.

[Pete Holmes]

Parent a little bit? I just feel like I'm a little bit selfish. And the lifestyle I leave lead is like, I just. I don't. I don't know if I can give.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear when you have the kid, it's like your life is the kid.

[Morgan J.]

Well, it's interesting because. Yeah, no, that's true. I would, I would phrase it. And I always. You always have to say this up top. I love my daughter more than anything. And that's sort of what it is, is like, that's why your life ends.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It's not like you have to stop playing video games. It's that you want to Stop playing.

[Pete Holmes]

Video games, Wanna hang out with them.

[Morgan J.]

So you can be with them and do what they want to do. But then before you know it, you'll be like, oh, all my stuff is. Is gone. That's why we had one. Because one really feels like we're always like, I think we found this nice little middle way.

[Pete Holmes]

How old are they now?

[Morgan J.]

Six.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

But anyway, you're not wrong. And when people are kind of like, sometimes people, like, con. Conflate having, like, being a good time with kids and being a parent, I'm like, yeah, it's good to have that skill. But being a parent really is an exercise in, like, sacrifice and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And patience and things like that.

[Morgan J.]

But, like, laying it all down and burning it down and allowing that. I still. I mean, here we are doing my. My podcast. It's not like, everything's over.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But, like, your priorities really shift, so I support your choice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know if it's. If it's like a western culture thing, but, I mean, even when my parents were bringing me up, like, they still had parties and like, I think, like, Europeans, and they'll have kids and just like, let them pass out at the party. They'll be drinking and hanging out and the kids are just, like, passed out on the sofa, Right. They're like, let's.

[Morgan J.]

Well, modern parenting, that's what's funny is like. Like, even the way I was raised in Boston in the 80s, very different from the way that I'm raising my daughter. That's the thing my parents say to me the most, is like, we never.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that with you.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, we never did that.

[Pete Holmes]

And look at you. You're a freak.

[Morgan J.]

I'm a freak, dude. Well, the. What is it? I don't know if it's the fda. It's not the fda, but some government health administration is like, having children is a. Is a health risk. Modern parenting is a health risk. I think in the 80s it was like, people used to have kids because they needed staff on the farm.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

We need some sturdy.

[Morgan J.]

This will be useful. Yeah, this will be useful in six years, seven years. And now I'm like, how can I make sure she feels seen?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

What was your. Do you freestyle? I'm not gonna ask you to freestyle, like, kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm. I'm, like, not good at it. And I. And I lean into that.

[Morgan J.]

I like that, you know, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm not gonna pretend that. That I am Harry Mack, you know?

[Morgan J.]

H. Mac.

[Pete Holmes]

H. Mac. Who's incredibly talented. Like, I'm not that dude.

[Morgan J.]

I don't understand what's going on with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I bring a lot of charisma and fun. Enjoy. Like I'm goofing off.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, you're goofing.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's.

[Morgan J.]

Like you're straight goofy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm straight goofing. Let's all get. Let's get a. I don't care if any of us know how to freestyle. Let's get a beat going and everybody try to freestyle.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Yeah, I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's see what. Let's see what happens. I don't care.

[Morgan J.]

Just relax.

[Pete Holmes]

Just relax and go with the flow. Like, that's where I'm at with the freestyle. Flow. Flow. Yeah. So I. Sometimes I will freestyle and I'll. I will hit a pocket and I'm.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. And I'm like, that's everybody. I also freestyle in my car.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. So I have a freestyle playlist.

[Morgan J.]

Nice.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You. Yeah. Do you look at other people when you're in your car? Yeah, I never look at other people in my car. I. I think I'm weird. I just. But by the way, there is.

[Morgan J.]

I'm looking in windshields to see where their eyes are.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Morgan J.]

That's how you know if you can change lanes. Is this person alert or are they second screening reality?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I did have a question for you regarding traffic. And because I. I get a lot of traffic. There's a clip of yours that went a little viral, I think. Oh. Ways of that I've seen. Or maybe it was on my feed, I don't know. But it was about how, like, people get like, really, like road rage and people get really angry and like traffic or when there's a delay.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. And even before hearing that, I had that, like, if we're delayed, like, we're delayed.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

What can you do?

[Pete Holmes]

We can. We just need to accept this. But I wonder, is there a limit for me. Yeah. Like, at what point is the delay? Because there we had a tough travel day. Like two weeks ago where it was. It was like, yeah, dude, a plane full of oranges. It fell over on the Runway. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And an ostrich was eating them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It was insane.

[Morgan J.]

No, you had a bad travel day.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was just like it was a 12. It was a long day. It was. It was a five. It should have been a five hour travel day that turned into like, like a 12 hour travel day. Yeah. And. And normally, like, I have plenty of things to do. I'm a firm believer in only or only boring people get bored. You know what I mean? And, and I bring plenty of activities and ways to entertain myself. I could write, I could walk, whatever it is, read. I learned how to do all those things. It's pretty crazy. And so yeah, I just. But, but, but that day was tough. I was like really tired and annoyed that day.

[Morgan J.]

I understand. You know, a big thing for me is to allow and forgive however you're feeling. So I've been saying on this podcast a lot like, don't get mad hearing. Hearing something you already knew. So if somebody's acting like how they always act, why are you getting mad? Yeah, and now I'm like, yeah, but also you can get mad but then recognize that you're just getting mad at something you already knew. And then that can help you surrender to it and just let it pass through your system. But so yeah, of course there's a limit. There's been times when I'm on my way.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there a number on it? Is it like four hours? Is it eight hours?

[Morgan J.]

It's not, not really time contingent. It's like if I'm on my way to a flight, it'll get a little bit more intense. Here's where I'm real good at it. Which is kind of where that bit is from when I was flying back from, from the Super Bowl. My, I got there at the airport at 4:30 in the morning. My flight was at like 7. And then that flight didn't take off until like I think like 3 or 4pm so it was supposed to be a 3 hour travel day and it ended up being like an 18 hour travel day with driving home from the airport.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Morgan J.]

And I'm very good at that. I'm very good at that because there's nothing you can do. But if I'm driving to the airport and I hit a traffic jam and I'm worried about my flight, that's way harder for me to practice what I preach. But you can still do it. You just have to really zoom out.

[Pete Holmes]

And be like, my, my team is, is learning like that they weren't ready for the amount of like how this travel is.

[Morgan J.]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every. They weren't.

[Morgan J.]

They're like you were you.

[Pete Holmes]

I had already been doing it. Yeah, they weren't quite ready for it. They're like, I don't know how you did this every week and this is incredibly exhausting, you know, but you kind of have to go and I feel like you have to go into like a. I don't want to Say hibernative state. But when you travel, you have to completely shift your state of mind. Yeah, I feel like you have to.

[Morgan J.]

Completely shift it, get there early, and then surrender and allow there. Well, the great thing about the difference between being at the airport and the flight being delayed 18 hours or whatever it was, the day being 18 hours long and being in the. When I'm in the car and I hit the traffic, I'm like, maybe I could have taken a different route. I should have checked the traffic. I should have left earlier. I feel you can start beating yourself up when it's just delta or whatever, it's united. You're just like, well, what can I do? Like, getting mad won't help anything. And then it's really easy for me to be like, and now I just have to sit in this chair. You know what I mean? You go, like, I'll just be sitting in this chair in a climate controlled room. And there's food and there's stuff to do.

[Pete Holmes]

The one thing when I travel, I always make sure I'm always fed.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. Don't travel hungry.

[Pete Holmes]

Always. I overeat when I travel.

[Morgan J.]

That's interesting that I agreed with you because on that day I did. But I talk about fasting. I usually fast when I travel because you don't really need to eat, you're just sitting.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

But I mean, you can see it both ways.

[Pete Holmes]

But you can see the minute you get hungry, we're. This is riveting stuff.

[Morgan J.]

I love it. I was just. I was trying to think of, what have we.

[Pete Holmes]

What have we not covered?

[Morgan J.]

What was. What was your first memory of being funny? Funny, like as a kid, do you have a memory that you were like, oh, I'm funnier than other people. And I asked that for the pleasure of you remembering it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I have one memory in particular. I was running for student for president of my freshman class of school and high school. High school. Yeah. And we had to give speeches. And somebody had gifted me a tiny guitar this big and it had three buttons on it. And each button made like a sound, like a different little riff. And then I went up there and I said some. And I said to my fellow students, I have one last thing to close with. And I took the tiny guitar out and I. And Obviously for these 8th graders, they were like, oh, my God, Morgan's crazy.

[Morgan J.]

What is he doing?

[Pete Holmes]

He's sticking it to the system. We're gonna vote for him. And then you won. I won't. And the year after that, I Did something.

[Morgan J.]

This is your skill, you know, your audience.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Morgan J.]

You've always been able to dial into your audience.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm, like, so tapped in. I always say, like, be your first fan.

[Morgan J.]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Be the first person to buy your own merch. I'm wearing it. Be, like, to buy your own merch to put your own song on a playlist, to hang your own art on a wall.

[Morgan J.]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if, like, you don't do it or don't want to do it, then.

[Morgan J.]

And if you don't see it. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then. And then who. How can you expect these other people? And also, like, my. I. I operate it in my show. Like, I use the word hospitality a lot in my show. So when I'm doing sound check or getting the show ready, I'm, like, walking the room. I'm, like, trying to figure out, like, lines of sight. Like, will this. Can everybody see me properly? Like, was this. I want everybody to get, like, their money's worth, you know, I heard Sebastian on a podcast talk about, like, you know, when people buy a ticket to your show, they're not just buying a ticket to the show. You know, they're buying. They're paying for parking, and they're paying for a babysitter, and they're getting food, and they're. You know, it ends up being a very expensive night.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So, you know, you want to make sure they have a good night because this. They. And these people work hard, and it's like, the end of the week, they're exhausted. They might have. They might have gotten to a fight on the way there. Like, you might be the last thing between them and a divorce.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Like, literally, I think about these things, you know?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. So it's interesting. I was up. I was with it until that last one. I'm like, that's not my responsibility.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not my responsibility. But. But I understand. We could. We bought them time. I could buy some time.

[Morgan J.]

I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As people that feel like you're keeping your parents together your whole childhood, but.

[Pete Holmes]

But also can be difficult at the same time.

[Morgan J.]

Last one.

[Pete Holmes]

I will say I break people up. Oh, really? 100.

[Morgan J.]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I got a DM from a girl, like, after a show. Daniel Beach. It was like, my boyfriend and I broke up after your show because of X, Y, and Z. And, like, he didn't like this or that or. I've had a couple.

[Morgan J.]

Did it have to do with the.

[Pete Holmes]

Show that I. I, like, sang to her and I took a Selfie with her. And I guess because I was like, you know, I'm like. I, like, flirt with audience members.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

But I guess, you know, the.

[Morgan J.]

It was too much. I guess he got jealous.

[Pete Holmes]

He got jealous. And he probably wasn't a fan of my comedy to begin with. And, like, this guy's coming and sick of my girl, and she's all like, you know, and if. And. And it probably. I'm probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Morgan J.]

You were the excuse.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And in a way, I probably was a blessing for them to, like, not be together anymore, you know, if this. If this breaks your relationship.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah. Probably wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably wasn't meant to be.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like when they walked elephants over the Brooklyn Bridge. If it breaks with the elephants, it's not going to. Like, the cars.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's so funny.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I forgot what the original question was, but me, too. Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

Well, the first time. You're funny, we were talking.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, The. The. Yeah, the class clown stuff. Yeah. I mean, I got voted class clown in eighth grade. Before that, my mom had told me a story. She was like, I didn't even know that he was really a singer or he wanted to do this stuff. We were at a Christmas party, and then he just, like, started singing the Twelve Days of Christmas. And I. And I'm like, I didn't really know that he was doing this stuff, you know? This was you. This was me singing at, like, you know, very young age. Yeah. Cut to now, dude. I did the Town Hall Theater in New York, and I brought. I was able to bring her. I got her, like, a black car. I got her, like, an escalate, picked her up. She lives in White Plains. I picked her up. She, you know, brought her on stage. She told me later. She's like, this was one of the best moments of my life. I can't believe this. And it was, like. It was really emotional. It was, like, really amazing, too. But going back to the. The.

[Morgan J.]

And I interject.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

One time my friends came and visited me out here, and I was like, we're doing it proper. I'm going to send a black car to the airport.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, boy. Did they get an Uber? Anyway, did they go to the wrong way?

[Morgan J.]

I told them. I was like, when you get there, look for a guy. He's going to have a sign that says your name. Holmes is going to say home. Let's just find that Guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

My dad doesn't bring his cell phone. They come out, he doesn't bring it. So I'm calling him, trying to say, did you find the car? Did you find the car? My mom's cell phone is dead. They get there. They didn't find the guy. They get there and they're just like, I didn't see any car. He was there, of course, and it was in the tiny. It was Santa Barbara airport. There's no. You couldn't have missed him. One guy in a suit. And that is. There's just such a. I was like, this is such a familiar feeling. I tried so hard to have the, like, this was the greatest day of my life. But instead I got. There was no driver.

[Pete Holmes]

They're, like, upset with you.

[Morgan J.]

There's no driver.

[Pete Holmes]

What kind of shady business you run? And Pete, it was, you don't care about your parents.

[Morgan J.]

It was rough. Anyway, sorry, that was my interject.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny. Yeah, I mean, she.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, she enjoyed it, but I'm glad it worked for you.

[Pete Holmes]

She didn't. She. She's not the kind of person who wants to come on. My manager went up to her and was like, okay, you got to come with me now. Like out of the audience, she's like, you know.

[Morgan J.]

And what did you sing to her?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I didn't sing. I. I just said right after my first. Right after my first bit, I'm just sort of like, you know, guys, my mom is here tonight. I have family here tonight. She's like, held this family together, you know, and, you know, I said something like, I want to give, you know, half as much back to her. She's given the whole family and one, introduce my mom. So, you know, she's like an immigrant. She, like came here with a suitcase and now her, you know, now I'm here doing, you know, these sold out shows here. And it was like a cool moment for her.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I funnily. Funnily enough, not too far from that venue, when I was like six months into doing stand up, I had done my first bringer show at Caroline's on Broadway. Rip. Caroline's.

[Morgan J.]

Rip.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't really know how far, like deep the rabbit hole of comedy went. And I bombed very. It was my first time really bombing hard.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like a seven minute set. But mind you, I went in with the mentality like, I'm at Caroline's. This is it. I made it. Yeah, yeah. If I kill it here tonight. Minted.

[Morgan J.]

Minted.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm done.

[Morgan J.]

Ready?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in it.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I did terrible. My mom was there. My stepdad was there. I had, like, co workers there. This. I was like, 20. I was 20. It was like the first year, it was like a very quiet car. Nobody said anything in the car ride home, you know? And the next day, my mom was like, she doesn't remember this, but the next day she was like, you know, we didn't really say anything in the car last night because you were awful. It was very bad. And you can do better than that. You know that and I know that. So that's. That's why we didn't say anything. Dude, I.

[Morgan J.]

But you were awful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I was ready for your mom to lie to you and be like, no.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no. She's like, you were awful. You were bad. Which, you know, in a way, like, to her credit, like, I suppose that's a better than her lying to me and being like, you did great, honey. Because I know I did bad.

[Morgan J.]

Every comment knows that deserves respect. And, like, I could never do that. And it's not easy. I mean, there's other ways to put that.

[Pete Holmes]

That.

[Morgan J.]

There's other ways to put that.

[Pete Holmes]

Meanwhile, can I. Can I tell you the story behind this hat much lice?

[Morgan J.]

Much lice, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

So after the show, she texted me the next day, or like a week. I don't know what it was, but she goes, morgan, that was one of the best days of my life. I love you so much. I wish you so much joy and much lice in your life. Like, much. She meant to say much life, but she said much less. And then I. I was talking about this on stream, and a fan saw heard the story on my stream and made me the hat that much less much lies, dude. I wish you so much lies, dude. I wish you much less.

[Morgan J.]

I wish you much less.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I wish you much less beautiful much life. Much less.

[Morgan J.]

You got a good lice, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, man, it's been a good life.

[Morgan J.]

I'm happy for you, you know, my life.

[Pete Holmes]

If I could look back on my lice and really think about the choices I made, my life could have turned out differently.

[Morgan J.]

I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pro life, you know, I'm pro choice, but.

[Morgan J.]

But pro life, you can kill those lights for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, the much lies thing is just a funny inside joke for me and everybody else who knows the story now.

[Morgan J.]

So I love it, you know? Well, let's. Let's close it out. I have two things I want to do. One is A question. Can you tell me the time you laughed the hardest in your life? Does that bring up a memory for you?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I mean, I think it was the first time I got high on marijuana. I hate to sound cliche, but I was in college.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A freshman in college. I never smoked in my life before I took a huge fat bong rip. They. Everybody looked at me like, what are you. I didn't know.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I was like that. The first time I saw.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. I coughed for like, 10, 15 minutes. I was like in the bathroom, like, my eyes red. I was like, it's like, what is going on?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But after that went away, you laughed. Boy, oh, boy, did I laugh my heart out, man. It was one of the. It was incredible. And then the last time. The last. And then recently, the last time I cry Laughed was this comic that he just opened for me in St. Louis. I think he's honestly one of the funniest people there is. This guy Mandel out of Atlanta. He's moving to la. He's actually gonna be doing warm up for John Mulaney show on Netflix.

[Morgan J.]

Oh, fun.

[Pete Holmes]

But he.

[Morgan J.]

He.

[Pete Holmes]

We were just in a car. He's just. He's just like, you know, these people are just funny.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a Rory Scoville, you know?

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

People are just like, just funny. They're just funny people.

[Morgan J.]

There's good comedians and there's just funny people who are sometimes good comedians. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. Yeah. And sometimes they're bad comedians.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like. Yeah, he's this guy. He's. He's both. He's a great comedian, and he's just funny. And we were just. I don't know what he even said, but I just cry laughing that I. It was such a. It was so funny. The way he talks.

[Morgan J.]

That makes me happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What a joy to be around. I just want to hang out with him just to. Hopefully he's like, my. My fix. And I'm like, I need you. Because, you know, we see so much comedy now that. That.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know how it is. It's like you're. You see that premise kind of like.

[Morgan J.]

That joke or like a. Yeah, the formula.

[Pete Holmes]

The formula.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's hard to get that. Most of the stuff that make us cry, laugh, it's like just goofy stuff that happens.

[Morgan J.]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

I think here it has to be clean.

[Pete Holmes]

Giannis Papa said in a podcast once, he was like, we're all just trying to be as funny as a fart.

[Morgan J.]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Fart is Just, you know, there's no. There's not even a set of a punchline. It's just.

[Morgan J.]

There's a setup.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you hear it and you're just like, oh, that's funny.

[Morgan J.]

Reality is the setup.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

It is the punchline.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, I know what he means.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? It's like.

[Morgan J.]

Well, I would. I would say we're trying to be as funny as someone falling down and not being hurt.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Morgan J.]

They fall in it and they're not hurt and they're slipping and.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, that video of the woman falling in the grapes, you ever see that video?

[Morgan J.]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

It's classic.

[Morgan J.]

Funnier than stand up with the sound off, even just seeing her fall. I agree. The other one is. Do you want to sing at the same time? It's a game we sometimes play.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

Yeah, you just sing what I sing. And we can take turns if you want.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Morgan J.]

This song is called. What's this song called? Doesn't. It doesn't have. It doesn't have to Gluckle up juice. Gluck, gluck, juice. Have you ever not.

[Pete Holmes]

Love?

[Morgan J.]

No, you're. You're leading too much. You're leading too much. You can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever been in the mood.

[Morgan J.]

For a meal but it's liquid? Have you ever been in the mood for a meal but it's liquid? The oranges from the highway in Brazil in a divine. You lead, I'll follow you.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever seen the sun rise but in a vibe and orange? Have you ever touched and it has much lies nice much.

[Morgan J.]

Love?

[Pete Holmes]

It's what your mother said.

[Morgan J.]

And of.

[Pete Holmes]

Which makes this hat stitch and I. How did I do? Do I do okay? A okay. Is it good?

[Morgan J.]

When you say keep it crispy, it's how we end.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, baby. Keep it crispy, Keep it crispy.

[Morgan J.]

Is this your girl?

[Pete Holmes]

Is this your girl? Are you making love tonight? Keep it crispy.

[Morgan J.]

You know you make love tonight.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. Keep it crispy, keep it crispy. Keep it crispy. It.