Ms. Pat

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes Guest: Ms. Pat Episode Date: March 22, 2023

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Episode Overview

In this candid and hilariously insightful episode, Pete Holmes sits down with the irrepressible comedian, actor, and author Ms. Pat. Together, they delve into her extraordinary journey—covering her life in Atlanta and Indiana, her experiences with poverty, crime, family upheaval, foster parenting, building her own house, and transforming her struggles into comedy gold. Ms. Pat’s sharp wit and unfiltered honesty illuminate serious topics while keeping the laughs coming, offering listeners a powerful, funny, and memorable conversation.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Ms. Pat on Atlanta, Indiana, and Segregation

• Atlanta’s Character: Ms. Pat describes Atlanta with “lemon pepper wings, sweet tea, soul food,” and highlights its vibrant, mixed communities compared to the stark segregation she observed in Indiana.
  • Quote [04:12]: “Lemon pepper wings, sweet tea...Soul food.” – Ms. Pat
• Segregation in Indiana and Chicago: She breaks down how neighborhoods are divided by wealth and race in Indiana (“mixed race couples go to Fishers; Plainfield is middle class; Geist is for the super rich; Indianapolis is just for po'…for black” [05:26]) and shares her feeling of unease performing in segregated Chicago.
  • Quote [06:57]: “If you get a bullet, you want to make sure it was for you.” – Pete Holmes

2. Building Her Own House & Podcast Studio

• Ms. Pat discusses buying seven acres in rural Georgia, DIY’ing her home and podcast studio, acting as her own contractor to avoid unnecessary costs—even when the process is slower and more stressful.
  • Quote [08:43]: “I was so excited…there was things that I left out. So when the house started to get built, I was like, ‘no, I need another set of stairs. No, I need an elevator.’” – Ms. Pat

3. Adopting Her Niece's Children

• She vividly recalls how she took custody of her niece’s children due to her niece’s drug addiction, after initially only intending to help temporarily. Ms. Pat shares her conflicted feelings—loving the kids but being brutally honest about not wanting to start over as a parent.
  • Quote [15:28]: “I didn’t fucking want them kids. And I tell people all the time. I love them, but I didn't want them. But they…mama, it’s honest.” – Ms. Pat
  • Quote [13:49]: “A voice whispered in my ear and said, ‘keep them. And I got you.’ And my whole life changed.” – Ms. Pat [14:00]

4. Hardships, Crime, and Hustle

• Ms. Pat shares matter-of-factly her history with poverty-driven crime, from burglary with her brother to selling crack cocaine, underlining the desperation that led her down those paths.
  • Quotes:
    • “You go to work, we kick your dough in.” – Ms. Pat [28:16]
    • “My uncle Peanut taught my brother how to pick locks.” – Ms. Pat [29:46]
• She humorously describes bootlegging and the “Peanuts comic lottery" system—using magnifying glasses to look for lucky numbers in the Peanuts comic strip.
  • Quote [31:20]: “Get a magnifying glass and look in the comic strip… That’s how they used to get their lottery numbers back in the day.” – Ms. Pat

5. Prison, Perspective on Justice, and ‘Prison Gay’

• Ms. Pat gives an unvarnished account of being imprisoned as a teen for selling drugs, disputing TV tropes about constant violence but emphasizing the need to stand up for oneself (“You have to defend yourself” [44:27]) and describing the prevalence of same-sex relationships out of boredom—what she calls being “prison gay.”
• She points out that people often complain about their conditions, forgetting responsibility: "You wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't commit a crime." [36:43]
• The conversation includes wild stories of prison life: fighting over respect, witnessing unique characters (like the infamous three-nippled hermaphrodite), and what she learned about human nature in confinement.
  • Quote [41:50]: “It was just a bunch of lesbian stuff… I couldn't understand… there ain't nothing else in here to do. Well, I don’t want to buy it.” – Ms. Pat

6. Survival, Comedy, and Breakthroughs

• Ms. Pat remembers the chaos of raising multiple sets of children, working night shifts, and struggling to keep things afloat—"Fat people don’t tie their shoes. That’s why they buy slip-ons." [50:22]
• She recounts her first standup open mic ("the first joke I ever told, which my brother was a professional cat burglar" [27:01]) and how podcasts (Marin, Rogan) led directly to her book deal and TV show offers.
  • Quote [60:45]: “I did Marc Maron podcast, and right after that I did Rogan…Hollywood started…‘I want to give you a book.’” – Ms. Pat

7. The Ms. Pat Show: Path to TV

• The show's bumpy five-year development: pilot at Hulu (passed), then BET+ picked it up, which she credits to her resilience and expectation of being let down. She insists on the authenticity and rawness of the show, avoiding bow-wrapped endings and tackling difficult issues head-on.
  • Quote [62:01]: “I come from a background where I'm conditioned to hear no. When you say yes, that's when I…like, what the f** you say!”* – Ms. Pat

8. Crack vs. Cocaine & Systemic Racism

• In a candid and satirical segment, Ms. Pat explains the difference between crack and powder cocaine, how sentencing laws are an example of systemic racism, and the targeting of Black communities.
  • Quote [68:08]: “The black father was never removed from the household until crack hit the black community…As soon as crack hit…the homes…destroyed.” – Ms. Pat

9. Humor as Healing & Social Commentary

• Ms. Pat and Pete examine using comedy to provoke discussion about deep social issues—racism, policing, nonbinary identity, and cross-cultural understanding—making clear the Ms. Pat Show isn’t just “teaching moments for white people” but honest conversations for everyone.
  • Quote [72:22]: “Miss Pat Show is not a teaching moment for white people. It's a teaching moment for all of us.” – Ms. Pat

10. Belief in God and Reincarnation

• Ms. Pat discusses her spirituality: skeptical of traditional religion but believes there’s “something bigger than us” and thinks souls are “recycled.” [75:53]
  • Quote [75:53]: “I think all of us is…I think we're recycled.” – Ms. Pat

11. The Funniest Thing: Her Mother, a Cab, and a Police Wheelie

• Ms. Pat shares a story about her mother, who had one leg, refusing to pay a cab driver after making him wait at the bank all day for her Social Security check. The police are called, and Ms. Pat’s mother dramatically consents to pay when the officer tips her wheelchair back for an easy arrest.
  • Quote [81:19]: “He tilt that chair back, and boy, about to take her to that police car. She pulled that money away from up under that fake sock, that leg with that sock on it so quick. I hollered!” – Ms. Pat

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Taking in Her Niece’s Kids [14:00]
  • “A voice whispered in my ear and said, keep them. And I got you. And my whole life changed.” – Ms. Pat
• On Honest Parenting [15:28]
  • “I didn’t fucking want them kids. And I tell people all the time—I love them, but I didn’t want them. But it’s honest.” – Ms. Pat
• On Cooking Crack [65:41]
  • “You cook your own crack?…Well, I cooked.” – Ms. Pat
  • “Crack gave the black community something the poor black people wasn’t used to, which was money…Then came the killing. It was all set up.” – Ms. Pat [67:50]
• Dark Social Commentary [72:33]
  • “Black people don’t buy lottery tickets. They just wait on the police to shoot your child, and then maybe you get an $8 million settlement. Then taxes.” – Ms. Pat
• On Facing Rejection & Resilience [62:01]
  • “I come from a background where I'm conditioned to hear no. When you say yeah, that's when I…like what the fuck you say!” – Ms. Pat
• On Humor Bridging Divides [72:22]
  • “Miss Pat Show is not a teaching moment for white people. It's a teaching moment for all of us.” – Ms. Pat

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Atlanta Segregation & Identity: 04:12–06:17
• Adopting Family, Angelic Voice: 11:09–15:28
• Comedic Origin Story: 25:37–27:58
• Crime, Survival, Bootlegging: 28:00–32:21
• Prison Life & Fight Stories: 36:11–46:45
• Building the Ms. Pat Show: 60:25–64:38
• Crack, Cocaine, & Systemic Racism: 65:05–68:54
• Southwest Flight Bit: 71:55–72:27
• Ms. Pat’s Belief in Reincarnation: 75:19–76:56
• Funniest Story (Cab & Police Wheelie): 79:33–81:45

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Tone and Style

The conversation bounces between raw, heartfelt, and gut-bustingly funny. Ms. Pat keeps it unfiltered and brutally honest, often riffing with Pete on both light and dark subjects, sparing no one—including herself—from her sharp wit. Pete Holmes matches her candor with warmth and curiosity, drawing out stories and lessons without shying away from deep or uncomfortable topics.

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Conclusion

This episode is a roller coaster of comedic storytelling and real-life resilience, as Ms. Pat’s humor and authenticity reveal both the pain and the joy in her path from poverty and imprisonment to show business success. Listeners come away entertained, moved, and reminded that laughter—and truth-telling—can be the greatest tools for survival and change.

Transcript

[Ms. Pat]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh yeah, you made it weird. Yes, you did.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the incredible, one of a kind, hilarious Ms. Pat. I'm so glad I've known her here and there. We've run into each other. Our paths have crossed over the years. She is incredible. I'm fine. I'm glad we finally got to sit down and have a long form chat. Kim, wait for you to hear. Here is a little taste.

[Ms. Pat]

Powder is for you. We don't use powder.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Ms. Pat]

Black people smoke crack.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I don't like that I'm the example of whiteness. But I'll.

[Ms. Pat]

I mean, I'm just sitting there, sitting across from.

[Pete Holmes]

If there was another white guy, we could have just.

[Ms. Pat]

I could say her name.

[Pete Holmes]

She's loves going skiing, if you know what I mean.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

She does a lot of coke.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I don't believe that.

[Pete Holmes]

The Ms. Pat show is three seasons of hilariousness. It's on BET plus right now. Check that out. Out. And if you'd like to see something I am up to. What am I up to? I am on the road. If you want to see me do stand up comedy, go to Pete Holmes dot com. I am coming up in New Orleans, Dallas, Houston, Milwaukee, Madison, Wisconsin, Royal Oak, Michigan, Minneapolis, Minnesota, New York, New York and Ridgefield, Connecticut. I will be adding some new dates as well. Tickets for all of those dates will always be@pete holmes.com or follow me on Instagram. I'm always tweeting. Tweeting? Yeah, I tweet on Instagram, I gram on Twitter. It's just something I do. But I'm always sending out those links. So check that out. If you want to see me live or if you're going to be in the Los Angeles area, go to largo-la.com we had to postpone the one in March, unfortunately due to a shooting conflict with a TV thing I'm doing. But May 4th is the next one in Los Angeles. Go to largo-la.com for that if you're going to be in the LA area. All right, everybody, that's all I gotta plug. Enjoy this chat with the one and only Ms. Pat. Get into it. You can put your shoes on it. Sit like that.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm not putting my shoes on because somebody gotta help me put them back on. I'm good.

[Pete Holmes]

No, don't take them off. Put. You put your shoes.

[Ms. Pat]

No, Pete. This is how fat people sit.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I See, I can't do that.

[Ms. Pat]

Who the fuck you saw do that? Bert Kreischer. He. I'm telling you, he was rushed to the emergency room after.

[Pete Holmes]

He did what now?

[Ms. Pat]

He was rushed to the emergency room after he was sitting like you.

[Pete Holmes]

He can't sit like this.

[Ms. Pat]

No, he cannot. No.

[Pete Holmes]

It'd take a lot of stretching before this. You can't be lounging like I'm painting your portrait the whole time. Here, here, take this one. We're gonna at least prop you up properly.

[Ms. Pat]

Prop me up. There you go. There you go.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. There you go.

[Ms. Pat]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

How do you. How's that feel?

[Ms. Pat]

Like I wanna go to fucking sleep. This is a great big.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a big person.

[Ms. Pat]

You're a big person.

[Pete Holmes]

This is our couch.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, it's. If you seated with no bra and no hair on, and when you. Just relaxing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're. I thought you were pointing out that I today am not wearing a bra. Oh, that's just me.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

These are the ABCs of me.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, some. I don't. Hey, this is California. Y' all get to be free here.

[Pete Holmes]

So are you. Do you live out here?

[Ms. Pat]

Hell, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Where are you? Are you.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm in Atlanta.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in Atlanta? I was just there.

[Ms. Pat]

When.

[Pete Holmes]

Where was I in Atlanta? What was the venue called?

[Ms. Pat]

You was performing there. I know, because I saw something.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I was performing in Atlanta. I can't remember the name of it, though, but I've been all over Atlanta.

[Ms. Pat]

Laughing Skull Winery, City Winery.

[Pete Holmes]

That sounds right.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I think it was a city winery.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a 600, something like a middle.

[Ms. Pat]

No, no, that wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

I know I saw you coming to town. I know that.

[Pete Holmes]

I asked everybody. I'm going to ask you. You're from Atlanta. I was like, what is Atlanta? I asked a lot of people in Atlanta. I was like, what is it? You know, like, you say, like, what's Chicago? They're like deep dish pizza, mustaches, white socks and Cubs. You go like, name any city. You could say fucking Orlando. People be like, well, Disney World. We got like, swamplands. Then I'm like, what is Atlanta? What is Atlanta? Tell me what it is.

[Ms. Pat]

Lemon pepper wings, sweet tea.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Soul food.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I like lemon pepper wings. I haven't heard that yet.

[Ms. Pat]

Talking about the white side. White people, stadium hot dogs with sauerkraut.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. You're. You're reading my Eastern European. Okay, now we're talking sauerkraut on a hot dog. Thank you. And is it. Is it a segregated place? It seems like. No, it seems very diverse.

[Ms. Pat]

It's mixed. I lived in Indiana for 15 years and I was blown away by the segregation. I'm like, why don't y' all live out here in Plainville? It's like, oh, it's too white. I said, but the school system is awesome crimes. You know, I was shocked.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the premise of your show. You really lived in Indiana?

[Ms. Pat]

I really lived in Indiana.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. And why did you go to Indiana?

[Ms. Pat]

My husband worked at General Motors.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And when I moved to that little small town playing field, I was like, money separate. I mean, money separates you in Atlanta.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

In Indiana, they were separated. It was a whole, like mixed people. If you was. If you was. Had a mixed child or you was a mixed couple, you lived in fish. You. If you was white in middle.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. There was a mixed race area.

[Ms. Pat]

I swear. It was. It was fishing. Indiana.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, fishing. We're gonna put you in fisher. If you have mixed parents.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. Plainfield was like middle class. And Geist was for the super rich.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And Indianapolis, that was just for po. That was for black.

[Pete Holmes]

Poor black.

[Ms. Pat]

I ain't gonna say poor black.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you said.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you say po?

[Ms. Pat]

I did say po.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard poor.

[Ms. Pat]

It was a few.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't want it to sound like I was making up all black.

[Ms. Pat]

It was. It was just so like, you knew, it was crazy. Where. I don't think there's an area in Atlanta for. For mixed race couple. They just. Everybody just live everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Ms. Pat]

But if you went to fish, you. It was a lot of mixed race couple in.

[Pete Holmes]

In Indiana. Okay. See, that's one of the things that I noticed and liked about Atlanta. I don't know if that's true of Georgia as a state, but Atlanta for sure. And there didn't seem to be lines like there are in Chicago. Chicago is very segregated. It's like certain bus lines, certain parts of town.

[Ms. Pat]

Chicago so segregated, you better wear the wrong colors and cross the street.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean gang affiliate.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, that's what I mean. I used to.

[Pete Holmes]

I sound like the NPR like subtitles. Ms. Pat means gang affiliation.

[Ms. Pat]

I. When I play Chicago, I used to play the. The little club downtown.

[Pete Holmes]

Zany's.

[Ms. Pat]

Zany's. I never. I never left the area.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

I always stayed right in there. My hotel and I just. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You were afraid of old town Chicago?

[Ms. Pat]

No, I just stay in my fucking room. I figure if I'm in my room, can't nobody Snatch me. Can't nobody kidnap me, can't get killed. And I ain't getting no straight bullets that didn't belong to me. I'm gonna stay in my room.

[Pete Holmes]

If you get a bullet, you want to make sure it was for you.

[Ms. Pat]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

At least make sure it was intended.

[Ms. Pat]

I was just. I'm not lying. I love Chicago is a beautiful place, but it's S.C. scares me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Like I can go to some other place like the Mon. Our hour when nobody really goes and just. And I'm okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

I. I think it's because of all the. That you hear on the news.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

I. I don't come outside in Chicago.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. A lot, A lot happens in Chicago. I mean, big city, big city, big city. A lot isn't happening, doesn't get reported. You know what I mean? Yeah. A lot of people.

[Ms. Pat]

Atlanta the same way. I mean, look, look, we, we, we. We got gangs and shit too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So I stay on my side of the road there too.

[Pete Holmes]

And did you move into. You've had a lot of success. I'm assuming you got a nice place. There's beautiful houses down there.

[Ms. Pat]

I didn't want to live around a lot. I didn't want to live. Well, the celebrities live. So I just went down to the country part of Georgia and bought me seven acres and built the house.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven acres?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. What?

[Pete Holmes]

That's huge to me.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Y' all don't get shit up here.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. That's true. My.

[Ms. Pat]

My manager.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven acres, though. You have people that work on it. Like, you're not keeping land. Like some. A staff has to take care of seven acres.

[Ms. Pat]

No, my family. I mean, I just built a big house.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Ms. Pat]

And I've built a podcast studio because, you know our podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. We're not plugging your podcast. That's not what we're doing.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay. I'm just, I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's go tell people what it's called. I'm 100% joking.

[Ms. Pat]

The pat down.

[Pete Holmes]

The pat.

[Ms. Pat]

So I built a podcast studio next to my house.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you recorded there?

[Ms. Pat]

Well, the house is still being built.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

So I just bought seven acres. I had a house there, and I'm a diy. So I said, you know what? I'm going to do this shit myself with no subcontract. I'm going to be the contractor.

[Pete Holmes]

Just you.

[Ms. Pat]

And I went out how to architect and I learned a lot. It gave me a headache, but I'm still building to this day.

[Pete Holmes]

Did it make you realize why they have subcontractors.

[Ms. Pat]

I know why they have subcontractors. I didn't want to give them 10% of my budget.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. But you never regretted it. You're like, I'm glad I'm doing this. Like, it's all funneling through you.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I'm glad I'm doing it now. It's not going as if I had a. If I had a contractor. Yeah, it will probably move a lot of lot faster. Yes, I had a lot of changes cuz I. I was so excited to be doing a. A house this big on my own that it was things that I left out. So when the house started to get built, I was like, no, I need another set of stairs. No, I need an elevator. No, I need this. And he's like, you ever heard of change fees?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's the thing.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like Tommy Lee in the beginning of Tommy and Pam. Did you watch that? Yeah. They were doing their own house and he was like, I need a rotating waterbed and stuff like that. And the contractors hated them.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you really have an elevator in your house?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a service elevator?

[Ms. Pat]

Well, no service elevator.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a big ass elevator.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I'm 50, so I figured if I'm there.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's for you. It's not like to load stuff in.

[Ms. Pat]

No, no, no. It's just for my family. It's really for me and my hus to go upstairs to slap the. Out of the kids. If you don't feel like using the steps that day.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you don't want to be winded.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I will be winded.

[Pete Holmes]

No. By the time you're done.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. Because the snap won't, Won't. Won't feel as hard. So if I take the elevator, which takes a half a second, less than a minute to get up there, I could beat the hell out of the kids and come on back downstairs.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd help you if the kids figure out how to like short the elevator and stop you so you have time to like, calm down. Like, they'll stop you mid floor.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm glad they don't listen to your podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know that. You don't know that. I reach all types.

[Ms. Pat]

No, they don't. They're pretty young.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. These are the ones you adopted?

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, these are the ones I adopted from your niece. The oldest is 14, the youngest is nine.

[Pete Holmes]

And you, I've heard you call them your crack.

[Ms. Pat]

My crack babies.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not making that up. And. And they're. How were their ages of 4 and 9.

[Ms. Pat]

No, they. 9, 9, 11, 12, and 4, 13, 14.

[Pete Holmes]

There's five of them.

[Ms. Pat]

It's 4, 9, 11, 13, 14.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. I messed up. So how's. How's that going? Are they. Is it.

[Ms. Pat]

I've had them for 10 years. Yeah, so it's going pretty good. This is my last set. I'm not taking care of nobody else. Kids. I told my family, y', all, all y' all kids can jump off a bounce and I'm done.

[Pete Holmes]

What was the decision like, though? I mean. So your niece was struggling with addiction?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I picked her up one Christmas. I went home to celebrate the Christmas with a side of the family that I don't. With. I don't know why God tricked me. He was like, you need to go spend Christmas with your mama. Fell. I'm like, God, you need to stop with me. And, you know, he just kept saying, I need to go down there. And so I go, why?

[Pete Holmes]

Why did he want you to go down there? I don't know. Why do you think it had something to do? I mean, you were coming up.

[Ms. Pat]

No, for. Well, let me. Let me back up. So I'm. I'm. I'm riding on 285 in Atlanta one day, and I get a phone call and it's my niece. And she said, auntie, I need some Pampers for my baby. So I said, well, where are you? She said, I'm on Camelon Road. How about my next ex was Count Road. I get off at the exit and go to this crack motel. I mean, I've. It's been a while since I've. It's been years since I've seen a. A true crackhead or either just dealt in drugs. I didn't even know people still live like that. Scared the out of me. I take her some Pampers. And then the other sister called me.

[Pete Holmes]

You thought maybe the technology would advance like everything else?

[Ms. Pat]

I thought people had stopped selling, stop. Got off drugs, you know, found something else to do.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad we circled back. I. I interrupted for that little gem. Yeah, but. But the culture hadn't changed. You had been out of it for a long time. But there it was over 20 years. Still doing it, but doing it the same way.

[Ms. Pat]

The same way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And so then my other niece called and said, well, can you help bring my kids something to eat. So I go over to a hotel and there's my niece in there, pregnant with a third. A fourth child and got three crawling around on the Floor. And I was like. Well, she was like, my boyfriend got arrested for armed robbery. I said, well, he gonna be there for a while. Cause they usually keep him, so just come on and live with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, you made the choice then and there.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I was just trying to help, you know, hoping that she said no. And she said no. And I was like, I did my fucking part. She said, no.

[Pete Holmes]

You did an empty gesture. Like, you're like, I can help you move, but with four kids and. But she said no.

[Ms. Pat]

She said no. So she gave birth to the baby on November 28th. And I had set up Christmas to go visit. And by this time, she had moved in with some people that didn't want her. And my. My cousin was like, please take her. And I ended up taking. And I was like, oh, Lord, you don't trick me. And God, why you do this to me? And so she wasn't even there a year and she ran off.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's how it happened.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. And I went and got full custody because I was gonna give him. I was gonna put him in the system. But I had had the baby since she was two weeks old. And the baby was just starting to walk, you know, by this time. I love the fucking baby, so I just can't go drop the baby off.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So I said, okay. I said, God, why you do this to me? And I never forget this, Pete. A voice whispered in my ear and say, keep them. And I got you. And my whole life changed.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me about this voice. Please tell me.

[Ms. Pat]

I swear it was the voice of God. You know, everybody hear different things.

[Pete Holmes]

But was it. Did it seem like outside of yourself, like, it sounded like my voice. Like here was.

[Ms. Pat]

It was. It was. I don't even want to say. It was a male voice. It was a warm voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And it.

[Pete Holmes]

But it wasn't just in your head.

[Ms. Pat]

It wasn't in my head, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

It could be in your head.

[Ms. Pat]

It wasn't in my head. I never wanted fucking keys. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

You needed an external voice for a life change this big. Can I say, last time I was in Charlotte, the woman who drove me was an all black woman. Car service. It was called like Pink Boots or something. It was. It was amazing. They drove me to and from the airport. Anyway, she was telling me. I was like, why are you still in Charlotte? And she was like, her mom was there and she was standing in her bedroom and she heard God's voice. And I said the same thing. I was like, was it in an external voice? And she was like, yes, it was. So this voice is going around and making people move to their mom's Hometown and Adopt4Kids. That's a big deal. Well, better be an external voice.

[Ms. Pat]

No, they came to Indiana. I brought them to Indiana with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And. And we all just moved back to Atlanta. But, you know, I wasn't gonna keep those kids. I mean, I was really working hard to get a comedy career off the ground. I was doing okay, and I just didn't. My kids was grown. My kids was getting ready to graduate. My last two.

[Pete Holmes]

You were just gonna be done?

[Ms. Pat]

I was gonna be done. I was gonna be free. Just me and my husband.

[Pete Holmes]

I love how honest you are, by the way. Everybody else would be like, and, you know, they're beautiful children.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, I don't want them.

[Ms. Pat]

I didn't fucking want them kids. And I tell people all the time I love them, but I didn't. I didn't want them. But they. Mama, it's honest. Yeah. I mean, it's honest. And then I put them in school and I fell in love with them. And I'm like, well, every child, you know, we can't pick our parents. And to me for coming from where I came from, every child deserves to start off on a solid foundation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Now you get. If your child up their foundation and break and crack it, at least you can say they beginning was. Was solid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Because I know my beginning wasn't solid.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

And I know what I went through with having a crumbles up under my feet. So I was like, what under your feet? Crumbles. Crumbs. What break? I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to make sure I understood that you said crumble.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You try to walk away, but you.

[Ms. Pat]

Crumble creek is all broken and no, no foundation, Pete. I had no foundation to stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

I wasn't calling it to question what you said. I just. I'm here to listen to you. I love that.

[Ms. Pat]

If she laughing, I made up the word. She laugh. I made up the word. It's crumble word.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, crumble's a word.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, crumble. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Jasmine knows this is good. You. I. And it's the right word. You grew up in a rough situation and that had to inform. That had to open up your heart. Why you.

[Ms. Pat]

That was, you know, that wasn't my first set of kids that I raised. That was like my fourth set. What does that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

You have your biological kids.

[Ms. Pat]

And then I had my sister in law kids and then I had my. My sister kids. And then I had my. I had these kids.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, then you can say whatever words you want. And I'm gonna say, you know what I mean? Like if you're raising four sets of kids.

[Ms. Pat]

And I wasn't. I wasn't even. I don't even think. I was 35, I wasn't even 25 and I had already raised two sets of kids. I don't know, three sets of kids.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like a superhero or something.

[Ms. Pat]

I was a damn fool.

[Pete Holmes]

So see, when I heard that you took in your niece's four kids, I assumed your train had already come in. Show business wise, you were still trying to make it.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me, what's that look like? If you're going out on a weekend and now you got these four kids.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, my daughter was in the. My daughter was a senior, I think, and excuse me, she was getting ready to graduate and she wanted to go to hbcu. So when I brought my niece in, who was still on drugs, but I didn't really know it because I got a job, got a clean, taught her how to drive, bought a car, everything.

[Pete Holmes]

You taught her how to drive? Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Got her glasses, got by. I've never seen a human being. And I'm not talking about my niece. Well, yes I am. I took her to the dentist and they pulled 18 teeth. I said, bitch, you only got 32.

[Pete Holmes]

No, 18.

[Ms. Pat]

They pull 18 teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

That's more than half. I'm doing the math right now. It's a lot.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know how the. Did you even open Your eyes with 18 raggedy ass teeth in your mouth? And, and it was a rush to get them pulled cause she was on Medicaid. So I was like, can you get them all pulled? You know, she got a job now, but her, her health care of them kicked in. But she's still on Medicaid, so you know, the Met. The least they can do when you're on Medicaid is pull them so they pull all the teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Did they give her fake teeth or she's just walking around?

[Ms. Pat]

They was all in the back of her mouth, so she was able to chew like a bunny rabbit with the front of her teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Will you stop it?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I mean, she nibbled.

[Pete Holmes]

She became a nibbler only.

[Ms. Pat]

No, she became a hoe only more of cuz I got them rotten teeth out of mouth. She can suck dick without a jaw hurting.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't.

[Ms. Pat]

I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, on this premise, she, she used.

[Ms. Pat]

To have a toothache all the time. His heart is Sucking dick with a toothache. Oh, no. Yes. No, you can't. When your teeth hurt, don't act it out.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say it's hard to suck a dick with a toothache. That's going to be your YouTube quality. It can't be. It can't be. They'll block it. They'll block it. Yes, that. Okay. So they took out most of her teeth. You got her glasses. How was that? How are you really?

[Ms. Pat]

She is a kid that had the same sight. She cannot see it all. So I ended up getting her glasses, I bought a cosign for her car, help her, got a job, you know, thinking she on the right track, but somehow crackheads, five other crackheads. And she found where the crack was in Indiana. And so I had got her an apartment and everything, and she just gave it all up and said, I'm gonna go get myself together. And so when I called defects and asked him to help me, they wouldn't even help me. They told me, well, the kids aren't in danger. You got food in the refrigerator.

[Pete Holmes]

So they weren't worried about it. No, because you were there.

[Ms. Pat]

But they were like, technically, she didn't abandon the kid. I was like, yes, she did. The kids did not come out of my vagina. She abandoned these kids. And they was like, no, the house looks safe. Y' all got grocery. We'll see you later.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow, that's incredible.

[Ms. Pat]

And then they told me I could get a check for 235. What the hell is $235 gonna do for four kids?

[Pete Holmes]

Two of them can share half an ipod.

[Ms. Pat]

A. Oh, ipod.

[Pete Holmes]

An old one. Yeah, the one that word when you turned it on.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So get that one.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, I ended up keeping them. They're doing great now.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you would go on the road or something. What was.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I was telling you about my daughter. She was getting ready to graduate. She was gonna go to hbcu. But when the mama left, my daughter was like, I'm not leaving my father here with all these kids. So she chose to go to college at home, which was. She went to Purdue.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Which is. She did the online.

[Pete Holmes]

The chicken college.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So she went chicken college. No, she went to there. And I think she did Ball State online and she ended up getting both of her degrees. And my son was in high school at the time today, so they just stayed home and help raise the kids.

[Pete Holmes]

And they would help. That's nice. So. And because doing. Getting where you are in comedy hard enough.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Impossible.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's impossible.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know if it's impossible.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very difficult. So to do it with all of these other things going on.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And also to come where you came from before we get into that. Cause you've told that story a lot. So I'm gonna try and ask you things you haven't been asked.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I always feel like Georgia's a spooky, like a. Like a scary place in the. In the haunted, spiritual way. You ever see a ghost?

[Ms. Pat]

No, I've never seen a ghost.

[Pete Holmes]

No ghost?

[Ms. Pat]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You would be who I would want to see a ghost if somebody was going to see a ghost. I would like to see your reaction to a ghost because it would be hilarious. I really. There's some people.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm like, let me say this to you, Pete. Any black people reaction to a ghost? Well, this is what would be hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what David blame has figured out.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. You would walk up and be like, what? Well, what, kill you ghost? I'd be like, hell to the fucking. No, no, no. And we be getting the fuck off white people. People. Y' all be like, so what kill you, ma'? Am? And what century are you from? You don't put the ghost on your. On your podcast. I don't got the on.

[Pete Holmes]

What about psychics? Any. Anything ever happened to you?

[Ms. Pat]

So let me. I got a psychic story.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me your psychic story.

[Ms. Pat]

So my daughter told. Tells me, right? And I know you remember this, so she's. You know, before Bob Saget passed away, we became, you know, I talked to him all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What a sweetheart.

[Ms. Pat]

I put it out there if he died or nothing like that. You know, he came to my house for dinner and we would talk like.

[Pete Holmes]

He did a little work, a little light work. You were like, I don't have a contractor, Bob. You gotta earn your keep. Can you help me nail some nails?

[Ms. Pat]

No, I just talked to him all the time and we went out to dinner a few times.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a comedy riff.

[Ms. Pat]

And so my daughter. Shut up, Pete. I don't know what the you talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

These riffs aren't helping. That's the name of the show. These riffs aren't helping.

[Ms. Pat]

My daughter go to a psychic, right? A couple days after she. My daughter's talking to this damn psychic. So she tells me, she said, mama, the. The psychic said, bob Saget died from a heart attack. I said, what psychic? And so then she tells me. Then she tells me, she sent me this thing. She said, you've Been burking, burping a lot. And I said, yeah, how you know? And so she was like. The psychic said that you have a spot on your lung. Scared the out of me. Don't sent me. Was it a spot? She done sent me all of these pictures that the psychic sent her, right?

[Pete Holmes]

What he's drawing them? No, like colored pencil sketches.

[Ms. Pat]

Like it's somebody. It's like she said, this is where. So she sent me a rib cage and say, right here is what a doctor need to look. Really scared the out of me. I go into the doctor, say, my daughter went in to a psych, and the psychic say, I got something going on with me. It's right here. So the doctor looked at the. The scan and said, do you have stage four cancer? Because that's what that is. I said, what the. She paid this five dollars, and the lady would give a five to charge a five dollar every time she talked to him. And just don't send her some rant. And then when I googled this image, it was straight off the Internet.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Ms. Pat]

And I cussed my daughter the hook out time. But mama, she be helping the police find dead. But I said, she don't do. She read the article before y' all do and act like she know the information.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. This is not a good psychic. Is that before Bob passed?

[Ms. Pat]

No, that was like the day of. The day after he passed.

[Pete Holmes]

And they were, oh, it was a heart attack.

[Ms. Pat]

I said, what are you talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

So that is also foundless. Foundless.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, if you would have been thinking about it, that's what everybody assumed. It was a heart attack.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Right.

[Ms. Pat]

But I'm like, what are you talking about? I said, how do they even know I knew Bob Saget? But the lady, you know how they. When you easy to fucking manipulate out of $5 at a time. Done told me I had cancer. The man said, ma', am, this is stage four cancer, and this person gotta be dead. This is really bad. I done took the scan into the doctor. You not listening to me. He was like, no, you're not listening to me. Tell.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, this is unbelievable. I'm glad I asked you for your psychic story. I know I'm gonna jump a little ahead in your story that it was a. It was a social worker somebody told you you should do, or your caseworker told you you should do. Stand up. Yeah, tell me the story the first time you did stand up. Because that had to.

[Ms. Pat]

First time I did.

[Pete Holmes]

And what did you talk about? And what did you know about it. I know, you know, now you've been doing it a long time, but when you're just starting, we don't know anything. So what, what was Ms. Pat like the first time you went up and you're like, my caseworker said I should do this.

[Ms. Pat]

The first time I was. She. Well, you know, it stayed in my head when, you know, when somebody said, oh, you should try something. So I got my girlfriend and lived around the corner for me. I said, look, I really want to try this stand up comedy out, you know, and my neighbor was always edging me on too. So I said, I said, I'm gonna try this stand up comedy. I said, if it don't work and they don't like me because I had. When I started going to the comedy club in Atlanta, back in those days, you can go Monday through Sunday, every day of the week there was some type of open mic or something and.

[Pete Holmes]

You would go and watch.

[Ms. Pat]

I would just go and watch. I would just go and watch. And nobody knew I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to see.

[Pete Holmes]

That's always the best advice. Just go and watch a little bit. See what it looks like. See them do the same act twice.

[Ms. Pat]

I went for six months watching, just watching. And so finally I got the courage up and I told my friend, I was like, let's just go up to this little place called the pub. And it was near my house because I lived in Riverdale and the little pub was in Morrow, it's a little bar. And I went in there and I signed up for open mic. And I was so scared, so I started drinking Coronas and I don't even drink no beer. And it was this white girl and I just showing her ass. And I went in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what? What?

[Ms. Pat]

Just acting a fool on the stage? No, just in the audience drunk.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And so I started off with the first joke I ever told, which my brother was a professional cat burglar and we used to break in people house. But one day he kicked in somebody door. A little old lady sitting there watching like Price is Right. And he was like, freeze, I'm the FBI. And snatched a TV and we ran out the door.

[Pete Holmes]

Good night.

[Ms. Pat]

That was a very.

[Pete Holmes]

Some oxygen.

[Ms. Pat]

That was the very first joke I ever told.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it true?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, it was a true story.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the first news report you ever gave.

[Ms. Pat]

Like you pretty much, pretty much kicked.

[Pete Holmes]

In the door, said, freeze for the FBI.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Took the tv, two black kids just running and snatched this little old white lady TV and run out of door. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And she's like, the FBI needed to seize my television for an important case.

[Ms. Pat]

The fuck she said. We didn't look back.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like when me and my friend Opie stole our first Playboy. My job was to distract the clerk. So you were basically the me in that situation, and the other guy was the Opie who actually stole the magazine. You know what I mean?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was the easier job. Well, he's kicking, he's yelling.

[Ms. Pat]

I think when my brother was picking up the tv, I was unplugging it while she was just like, what the fuck?

[Pete Holmes]

Which is an important job. The unplugger is very important. Try and do that heist, that scam without someone to unplug the tv.

[Ms. Pat]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

See how far you go. So that did it work?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. My brother always broke in people's house. That's how we got school clothes and food and, you know, like that. You know, that's what he did. You go to work, we kick your dough in.

[Pete Holmes]

And you went with him. That was something.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. I needed Pamper money. So if I got things, like, if we. If we. It was probably 30 years ago, so. Oh, well, I've been married 30 years, probably 40 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Ms. Pat]

So I had one child at the time, and my child is next, 34. So if we needed stuff like school clothes or money or, you know, we were basics. We would steal stuff. Like, I would go in there and, like, steal detergent, Pampers, if they had any, you know, go in a refrigerated food, whatever, you know. And what we got, if we could sell, we sell.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. It wasn't Catherine Zeta Jones going underneath the lasers. This was like a crime of necessity. You needed basics.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, we need a base.

[Pete Holmes]

And how do. How are you getting in?

[Ms. Pat]

My brother was a good. My uncle, when he was a kid, taught him how to pick locks. That I would never let anybody. My uncle was. Taught my brother how to pick locks. I never forget. He started with the lock in your hand, and he showed him how to pick that. Then it went to door locks. Then it went. I mean, went to bedroom door locks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Then it went to door. Regular door locks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So my brother could pick a fucking lock. Like, nobody. No.

[Pete Holmes]

This was Dimitri Martin, I think, had a bit about this where he's like, what is the code of. Like, the ethical code of locksmiths? Because they teach you in locksmith school how to break into any.

[Ms. Pat]

My uncle Peanut taught my brother.

[Pete Holmes]

I know Peanut.

[Ms. Pat]

No, you don't. You might know a Peanut.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Ms. Pat]

Peanut played on fat ass.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you don't.

[Ms. Pat]

You don't know my uncle.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know your Uncle Peanut, but he learned. Where'd he learn?

[Ms. Pat]

I. I don't know. I guess, you know, I grew up in a bootleg house. You learn a whole bunch of. So maybe my granddaddy.

[Pete Holmes]

What were you bootlegging?

[Ms. Pat]

My gr. I didn't bootleg my granny. So moonshine, like real bootlegging? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Not like DVDs on Canal Street.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, no, it was before. This was before electronics.

[Pete Holmes]

The Internet used to just be moonshine. That. That's all people had.

[Ms. Pat]

I remember we used to have a number man that came to the house twice a day. You could play it. It's lottery now, but you can play the number in the daytime and you could play it in the evening. And my granddaddy will look in the. Look in the newspaper. You remember the Peanut cartoon?

[Pete Holmes]

I know Peanut. I told you.

[Ms. Pat]

Shut your ass up.

[Pete Holmes]

I got Jasmine.

[Ms. Pat]

Hey, you take a mic, you take one of those little micro. Scott, what is those things that hold up ti.

[Pete Holmes]

Huh?

[Ms. Pat]

Magnifying glasses. And he would get the numbers out of the Peanuts, the cartoon. You can still do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what do you. What? I need help.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The Peanut comic strip. Lot of numbers.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know how they put them together, but. But old people do this. They take the comic strip and they get a magnifying glass and you look. Put your look in that category.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And it's all types of numbers hanging off of those.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Ms. Pat]

Although cartoon characters. I swear my hand to God. Go do it. So my mama would play like.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean in the drawing?

[Ms. Pat]

In the drawing.

[Pete Holmes]

So there'd be like a 7 hair in the hair.

[Ms. Pat]

It could be in their hands. You just got to know what you're looking for. So as a kid, we would. They would give us magnifying glass and we would look through the cartoon and try to pick out what the number was going to be that day.

[Pete Holmes]

Did it ever work?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. My granddad used to hit for 50 Cent. He'll win a hundred dollars.

[Pete Holmes]

My mom used to the Peanut strategy.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So Peanut people still use the comic strip to. To get the lottery numbers.

[Pete Holmes]

I did not know this because you.

[Ms. Pat]

Don'T know enough black people, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

I know lots of black people.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, you don't know nothing to be looking at, Peanut. You don't know me. I'm gonna teach you some shit.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. I just reflexively was like, yes, I do.

[Ms. Pat]

Get a magnifying glass and look in the chemistry. And a lot of people in the hood. That's how they get their lottery numbers. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

That's how they used to get their lottery numbers back in the day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. There might be a new way now. Maybe it's Marmaduke now. Maybe it's Marmaduke now.

[Ms. Pat]

No, I'm telling you, just try. When you get a chance, give him a magnifying glass. Get the comic strip out of the newspaper, the daily paper, and look through that bitch.

[Pete Holmes]

Why, this is the funniest thing that.

[Ms. Pat]

Anyone ever told me. I'm surprised you never heard of that. You never heard of that? Well, she a different type of black person. She had family.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. If you have family that goes, what are you doing with a magnifying glass of peanuts? They stop you. Did you ever break into a house and it goes sideways? Something go wrong?

[Ms. Pat]

One time, my brother broke in the house, and I was just sitting in the car, and the homeowner came up and threw a. And threw something at us really big.

[Pete Holmes]

What was that?

[Ms. Pat]

I ain't gonna say, because the person might hear you, and he remember.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? But he threw something.

[Ms. Pat]

Not through something, but almost damn near killed me, and I never went back.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. And you're still. I think the statute of limitations is. Is. You're clear.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm. I'm quite sure I'm clear.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're worried that this man might be insane and come find me.

[Ms. Pat]

That man was pretty old, so he's probably dead by now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

But. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What'd he throw?

[Ms. Pat]

Him and my brother just started shooting at each other, and I'm ducking in the cars, like, Lord, if you make. You. You help me get out of this, I'm never going again. And I never went again.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, so this guy caught you breaking into his house and gunfire broke up?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, well, him and my brother. Because my brother always had a stolen gun.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he shot back. Yeah, yeah. That's how.

[Ms. Pat]

And I think the man didn't kill us because we were young black kids.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

He was black.

[Pete Holmes]

He made a judgment call.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. I think that's why he didn't kill us.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, shoot to wound.

[Ms. Pat]

He didn't shoot. He didn't see me because I was in the flowboard. I disappeared. I was like, if I get out of this. And I had a baby at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

And I was like, let me tell you something. I just get my pamper some other way.

[Pete Holmes]

And did you. Did you make good on that?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. I started working at a place. It's like before the waffles a place called the Huddle House.

[Pete Holmes]

What was it?

[Ms. Pat]

Huddle House. Okay. You never heard of the Huda? Most people haven't.

[Pete Holmes]

Huddle House.

[Ms. Pat]

Huddle House.

[Pete Holmes]

You're right. I guess I don't know enough black people. What is going on?

[Ms. Pat]

No, it was before the Waffle House.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, Was it yellow with the black letters?

[Ms. Pat]

It was orange.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

You ever heard of Huda House?

[Pete Holmes]

See, Jasmine's got my back every, every step of the way.

[Ms. Pat]

But it was a place called the Other House. And I used to do waitress in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

And I would get off at 5 o' clock in the morning, still try to go to school because I had a baby. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd work all night. Oh my God. Catch a little nap?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, probably in school. I ain't learned until later on.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God. So you stopped, you stopped breaking into houses though?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I stopped.

[Pete Holmes]

But your brother keep doing it?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, my brother. Professional thief until he ended up going to prison for that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know what the. He went to prison for half of the time. We don't talk to each other, so I don't know why he was in jail, but he went for a long time.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you never know when he might pop out.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, he's out now.

[Pete Holmes]

He was a home burglary joke, like he might break into your house.

[Ms. Pat]

He gonna break in my house for. I know him.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll rob you right to your face. He'll just ask for some money.

[Ms. Pat]

No, he, he didn't never rob me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't.

[Ms. Pat]

He's too old now to do all of that, but you know, we did that crazy when we was kids.

[Pete Holmes]

What did you go to prison for? You've been to prison?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I went to jail for selling drugs.

[Pete Holmes]

Selling drugs. Here's, here's the only question that I've thought of ahead of time that I've asked so far. I've thought of other ones, but this is the first one. What do people get wrong about prison? You watch TV about prison, people talk about prison. You were there. What's. What did they get wrong? How is it different from what everybody says? Or is it not?

[Ms. Pat]

What do people say about it? Horrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

You know what makes me mad about people today?

[Pete Holmes]

Like people getting jumped constantly in the, in the shower.

[Ms. Pat]

I didn't see all of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

What makes me mad about people today that go to prison? And you know, I, I did, I did all my crime when I was young. The ones who, who wants, who thinks.

[Pete Holmes]

They had a hotel in prison?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, they have the audacity to complain. You wouldn't be in this situation if you wasn't in jail, if you didn't commit a crime.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Ms. Pat]

Right. So now, I'm not saying you go and you beat them and you mistreat them. They're still human beings.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Ms. Pat]

But, like, they have the right to write in if, like, my son was. My son was a correction officer. Right. In Indiana. And the. The. The things people are right in. One guy wrote in and tried to sue the state of Indiana. And my son and said my son knowingly came to work with COVID and gave him Covid and sued. Well, he tried, he tried. It didn't go anywhere but just dumb like that. They write grievances. Did he give him. No, my son fell out time he got covet them. Gave my son covet.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Yeah. Prison and covet. Not a good time.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, it wasn't a good time. So my son got Covet. When my son called Covet, when people was dropping dead and we wasn't even. And when. When Trump was denying Covet was real.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

He caught that scariest time. Yes. When they picked him up from the house, from. From the jail. I lived across the street from the jail. They called me. They was like, come get your son. He's not feeling well. So I get up there, his eyes is bloodshot red, and I was like. And I kind of touched. I was like, he. He's hot. They was like, you should take him to the house. I'm not picking up no hot. I said, y' all better call 91 1. So they. They call 91 1. They don't say. They jump out the back of the ambulance with the hazmat suit on. Scared the out of me.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Breaking Bad.

[Ms. Pat]

Threw his ass in the ambulance. And everybody get back and ask me to hold his jacket. I said, I want this Jack. You better throw that in there with y'. All. And I didn't see myself for three weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't want his covered jacket?

[Ms. Pat]

I didn't know what the wrong way.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ms. Pat]

He couldn't even open his eyes. And when he did, it was like his eyes was on fire. And I was like, what the is wrong with you? They rolled him out of the jail in his uniform in a rollaway chair and parked him on the curve like he was. Like he was trash.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Ms. Pat]

I stood there and waited for the ambulance, but I stayed back. I was like, I'm not picking him up. He ain't getting in my car. What y' all do to him, it was so funny because now that my son is okay, the prison was Holland out of the jail. I hope you die, you fat. Cause they didn't like my son.

[Pete Holmes]

Because all this was happening across from the prison where they.

[Ms. Pat]

No, no, no. It was happening in the.

[Pete Holmes]

At the prison.

[Ms. Pat]

So they could see at the wonder. So they was all yellow. And I was like, why they don't like you? Well, my son. I think my son was an. But my son followed the rules. You couldn't get him to do nothing or break the rules. He took his job serious. But they all on was yellow. You died, you fat. And they rolled him off, and he was gone for three weeks. And he came back 40 pounds lighter.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Well, I'm glad he's okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, he's fine. Now he eat Covid.

[Pete Holmes]

Now he sprinkles it on us.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. He don't lose any weight.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's one of the prison things, is that there's, like, good guards, bad guards. There's deals being made. You're trading goods and, you know, cigarettes and stuff. Is that all true?

[Ms. Pat]

That's true. My son said. My son have some funny prison stories. One time he told me, said they caught one God. On. On tape. And they asked her, they said, are you smuggling stuff into the jail? So they was firing, all right? And she said, I'm not. Why you keep taking a prison in the mop cloth? She said, I'm not smuggling anything in the jail. I'm sucking dick. But she was.

[Pete Holmes]

That was her defense.

[Ms. Pat]

But that's what she was doing. She was there sucking all the prisoners dicks.

[Pete Holmes]

For what?

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know. She likes sucking dick, and she wasn't that cute. So she figured she had as many men as she wanted, so she went. She got the job to suck dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we please. I don't understand. A woman's just like, God, I gotta suck a lot of dick. How do I do it? I know. I'll become a prison guard and just tell, like, word will get around. Like, meet me in the broom closet. In the broom closet for no goods or anything. Just I. For the love of the game.

[Ms. Pat]

My son had the funniest prison story. He used to come home and tell me that crap. I would laugh till I piss on myself sometimes. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. When you were there, did you. This is a dumb question, but did you absolutely hate it? Was it the worst?

[Ms. Pat]

It was just. You couldn't go anywhere. It was a bunch of lesbian stuff going down. And I was in prison, you know, I went to jail real young. Like 8. 17.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So I couldn't understand.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not juvie. You weren't regular.

[Ms. Pat]

No. Back when crack. When crack hit America, they. And it's turned violent. They changed going to jail from the age of 18 to 17.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Ms. Pat]

Because so many. And then when. When crack first came to America, you could go to jail for crack and have a bond. That day, it was so bad, they wasn't letting drugs dealers back out on the street. You had to apply for a bond. So when I finally, I. I got in trouble for selling crack, and then I ended up on probation. I violated my probation. But while I was there, it was just a bunch of lesbian stuff, like people I went to school with. I was like, why are you gay? Well, there ain't nothing else in here to do. Well, I don't want to buy e it.

[Pete Holmes]

Prison gay.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, Prison gay. It was a bunch of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And that was the first time I ever seen her mophadite. Now that scared the out of me. Are we doing her Methodite? I'm. I'm pronouncing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm looking to k to see if we still use that term. It's a person who has both sets of genitalia.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay. So I said I'm 50 years old. So that's what it was called when I was in prison.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't. I don't think. We're not sure, but it's not like, make an obvious mistake. I think you're in the clear.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So that was the first time I've seen a woman like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And she would show it to her and every. She would everybody. And she also had three nipples. Well, I swore my hand to God this lady had three nipples. And I. I'm telling you, she had a nipple in both spot. And she had a nipple growing at the bottom. And she loves to show it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Ms. Pat]

She had three nipples. And she was a hermaphrodite. I had never seen any. And I'm young and I'm like, well, why you gotta. It was a little dick that didn't grow all the way out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And they never cut it off.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Ms. Pat]

And it wasn't her click because she had that too.

[Pete Holmes]

And three nips and she had three nipples. This is a hard area to riff on, I'm gonna tell you.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I'm just telling you what I saw. But she. But she. Everybody in jail.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Ms. Pat]

I fought a lot when I was in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, physical fights. For what did you feel like you had to See, that's another prison thing. Like, you have to fight. You can't take any.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, you can't take any.

[Pete Holmes]

So what does that mean? So I. I'm. I'm in prison and some dude slaps my food out of my tray.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, you're gonna be forever picked on unless you fight back.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless I.

[Ms. Pat]

You gain some respect right then. Right then.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I can't, like, plan it and be like, I can't. Like, my food's on the ground. Like, all right, we'll see who's laughing, Tom.

[Ms. Pat]

No, none of that shit.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to do it right now.

[Ms. Pat]

You would be fucked, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you this. He slaps out of my hand. I'm picturing a weird white supremacist guy, big motherfucker. He slaps it out and I fight him. And I lose. Did I still gain some respect?

[Ms. Pat]

A little bit. With an ass whipping.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Better than just taking the disrespect.

[Ms. Pat]

I think it's better than taking the.

[Pete Holmes]

Disrespect because I'm going to lose, but I'm. At least I'm going to, like, flail around. And what if I do something crazy, like I pee on him or something?

[Ms. Pat]

You might gain a girlfriend, a boyfriend.

[Pete Holmes]

Which way is it? My.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know how you like it, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't know if you mean like. Okay, let's get off that subject. That's a weird one. But it's true that you have to fight and not take.

[Ms. Pat]

I mean, you have to defend yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

And what was the first fight you got in?

[Ms. Pat]

In prison, I had so many, but I. The one I remember, it was like this crackhead came in off the street and this lady, kind of like, mentally, I would say something was wrong with her.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And I was on the phone. Back in those days, you could talk on the phone, and if you wanted to extend the call, I think you just mash a button and they keep going, but they keep charging you by the minutes. And so, yeah, pay phone, they was all in this. In the jail cell. And I was on the phone for a really long time. And I think she wanted me to get off the phone. And so I. We got into it. So the next day, while I'm on the phone, somebody. Well, I'm on the phone, she go upstairs and she pour all my shampoo and all my. Throw all my. Around in my room. And so.

[Pete Holmes]

So the cells are just open during the day.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, during the day they open at night. They lock everybody in with their roommates.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So you could be in your room.

[Ms. Pat]

You could be in your room if you wanted to.

[Pete Holmes]

But you weren't there. You're on the phone. So I'm on the phone with your person.

[Ms. Pat]

Somebody told me to turn around and that she was say, which one is that?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, what? She's just telling me the time.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh. So she tells me. She says. She. She. Somebody said, pat, she's standing behind you. You know, turn around. She got an ink pen. And so I turn around, and me and this get to fight. And she was tall. She probably was your height. And you see how short I am. And I was a lot smaller. I've never fought anybody. To the point where I was like, guys, can y' all please break us up? I was so tired of fighting this big old. Cause every time I had to jump up and grab her by a hair, and we. I was gonn her over the pole. It was like. You know, in prison, you got an upstairs and you got a downstairs.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like a mall.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So I was gonna throw her over the banister. And my mindset, if you do that, you ain't never getting out here if that don't make it right. And so I pulled her back over the pole, and I'm just hitting this crackhead and hitting this crack, and she's not feeling it. She just keep coming back for more. And I was like, what the is the God? But the God up there in the one that's just watching the fight. So finally, they come over and break the up, right? And then they throw us outside on the basketball court on different sides. And, you know, I'm in Georgia. Mosquitoes ate all ass up.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you have the ink pen as a weapon?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, as a weapon.

[Pete Holmes]

She was gonna stab you with it.

[Ms. Pat]

They said she was gonna stab me. So I turned around, just started swinging because.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's scary, because you weren't gonna.

[Ms. Pat]

Put your hand on me in jail.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole respect issue.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I was young back in the day. I didn't give a. You know, when you're young, you don't think you can die. All you do is fight. You act a fool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And that. That was my whole mentality.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the first 10 minutes.

[Ms. Pat]

Creed you. No, it's not out yet.

[Pete Holmes]

Creed 1.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I can't remember that for back. Pete Goddamn's in prison.

[Pete Holmes]

He's fighting a bunch of people. And then. And then the mom from the cos.

[Ms. Pat]

I know we gotta go, but can I tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, we ain't gonna go. We're just Gonna go to the minerals. We're not done.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, let me tell you what I saw last night. What was that movie?

[Pete Holmes]

Felicia Rashad, Cocaine Bear. Cuz if it was Creed, I'd be like, you should not cree.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm going to see Creed and I don't go to the movie. I saw Cocaine Ballad.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw Cocaine Bear Bear. Did you love it?

[Ms. Pat]

No. Oh, that was the stupidest movie. And I hate to say that. Tell me I was my. You know what it looks the previews look so good to Cocaine Bear. Yeah, it was the dumbest. Then it scared me. Ended up being kind of like a scary movie.

[Pete Holmes]

It was scary.

[Ms. Pat]

So it's based on a true story. Only part was true was the cocaine got dropped out of a plane.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think a bear did it and died.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, he did it and died.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But they're like, what if he got really high and killed people and that's what he did?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, it was a dumbest. I mean, I've seen people on cocaine, but nobody do this much cocaine in one day. This eating kilos of cocaine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

I mean, it never turned into the second day. The third day, this bear ate like 12 kilos of cocaine. Impossible. One kilo would have killed him.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, why does he want to kill everybody if he's feeling high on cocaine? Shouldn't he have just tried to have sex with a lady bear and lost his erection?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Well, did he? Then he tried to get some dick or pussy, whatever. He was trying to get a gold.

[Pete Holmes]

Necklace or something, or a dance, a disco.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know, Pete, but it.

[Pete Holmes]

What I'm riffing off of what people usually do on cocaine.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, well.

[Pete Holmes]

Spend money. Go.

[Ms. Pat]

It was a dumbest shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Lose their erection.

[Ms. Pat]

I wanted to laugh, but I was like, what the is.

[Pete Holmes]

But then it got legit scary.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, when he was ripping people kneecaps off and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's not fun.

[Ms. Pat]

And I mean, but I'm sitting there no knowing somebody who's dead with cocaine. I don't give a. If you is a bear. You can't eat no block of cocaine and just be running around hunching on people. This goddamn bag. Like 12 things of Coke. I mean, duffel bags of cocaine.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a lot of cocaine that's gonna kill a bear.

[Ms. Pat]

And he wasn't dead at the end. Him and his kids was on cocaine.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Ms. Pat]

So I guess they couldn't kill the bear in the movie. You couldn't kill the bad move because of Peter was like, oh my God. You could at least sent the bell to rehab. I'm assuming that's what Peter more like.

[Pete Holmes]

More like their agent named PETA was saying there's going to be a cocaine bear, too. I mean, this is clearly going to make money.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I went to go see it. It looks so good. I was like. But it wasn't what I was expecting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I tried to watch Brendan Fraser in the Whale last night. I'm not saying it's not good, but it was so heavy that I was like, he dropped a key and he's trying to get it with his, like, pincher claw thing. Yeah. Have you seen the whale? He's a. He's in a big, big, big, big, big, big, big prosthetic fat suit.

[Ms. Pat]

No, what are you talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Brendan Fraser. That's a new.

[Ms. Pat]

He got swallowed by a whale.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, it's called the Whale, and he's a big dude, and that's why it's called the Whale. But, like, around the part where he's just trying to pick up a key with Pinterest.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I can't pick up my keys.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't want to see a movie of that either.

[Ms. Pat]

So. What, you was feeling sorry because he couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't pick up his fucking thing. Fat people don't tie their shoes. That's why they buy. Slip on.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God, will you stop it? You're killing me.

[Ms. Pat]

So Brandon Frazen is fat and what?

[Pete Holmes]

He's really, really big, and he couldn't pick up a key? And it wasn't that. It was that horrible. But I was like, I'm about to go to bed. I don't want to have dreams that I can't pick up a key for eight hours. It was just. It was a heavy movie, but I laughed at myself. I was like, what did you expect? What did you think it was gonna be?

[Ms. Pat]

Is it out in the theaters?

[Pete Holmes]

You can rent. You can buy it. It's also in theaters, yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I might have to check that one out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it'll solve the problem that cocaine had.

[Ms. Pat]

I'm fat. I can't bend over sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like nine years. I mean, he's a. He's real big. He's like Gilbert Grape. Remember? What's eating Gilbert Grape?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I remember that movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It was like.

[Ms. Pat]

That was a woman, right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's Gilbert Grape's mom. What's she eating? That. That was a better. Better title. She was a very big woman.

[Ms. Pat]

That's the one they told her on the side of the house. To get her out.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. But in the will, did they ever.

[Ms. Pat]

Put her on a diet?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember. Cuz it wasn't really about her, was it? I'll say. In the whale, it shows him eating.

[Ms. Pat]

A lot because, you know, did he lose the weight?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I left around the key part.

[Ms. Pat]

You was at the theater?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I bought it. I was home alone because Val, my wife, doesn't want to watch it. So I was like, I want to watch this. And I'm not saying it's not good. I'm just saying it was very heavy. It was a little bit like Cocaine Bear was scary. Whale is sadder than they made it look.

[Ms. Pat]

Cocaine Bear was. It scared me in some points, but it was not as funny as it looked like it was gonna be.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

And I wanted to see a little bit more story than the bear just ripping everybody apart.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So, you know, what are his dreams? What are his hopes?

[Ms. Pat]

I just wanted. It didn't do it for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand.

[Ms. Pat]

But we went.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I'm 43, I have a daughter. People like, you want to see Cocaine Bear? I'm like, no. Just flat out, no. I'm gonna watch half of the whale.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I'm gonna go check out the well, because, you know, I want to get back into going to movie theaters.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, and then I get to AMC here.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Ms. Pat]

How about they nachos was the. The cheese was cold and they had no surviving skill of how to make them hot. I'm like, ma', am, go. Go pop it in the microwave. Go soak it in some hot water. Give me my nacho. I'm going to the bathroom and run some hot water over free.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, but if nacho cheese isn't hot, that's just. That's a. That's a hate crime. That's an assault.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, it was horrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, it's terrible. All right, let's go to the mid Rolls, and then when we come back, I want to hear a little bit about your show and how it happened. The Ms. Pat show.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I'm still hoping to come on.

[Ms. Pat]

You coming, Pete? I got you.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. We'll be right back. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Sunday Sunday Lawn Care. I don't know if you're like me. You love spring, but you may not love figuring out how the heck I'm gonna add the heck. How the heck do you take care of your yard? I have no Clue. Does anyone else just stand there in the store wondering where to start? Feeling intimidated and afraid to ask? Somebody at the store wearing an apron to help you? That's where Sunday lawn care comes in. Sunday is everything you need to get the lawn you have dreamed of of. We're talking healthy, we're talking lush, we're talking easy to do, no brainer stuff. They take all the guesswork out of it. So this spring, go to getsunday.com weird and enter your address to get a customized plan. It's so cool. They find where you are and they give you a customized plan created just for your lawn. Not every lawn, your lawn and the conditions of your home. 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Full season plans start at just 109 and you can get 20 off off when you visit getsunday.com weird at checkout. That's 20% off your custom [e-mail] weird this episode is brought to us by BetterHelp. The show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process, especially because we're always growing and changing. I've sought out therapy in times of transition. Whether it's moving, whether it's changing a job situation, whether it's changing a relationship. That's often when I've craved and needed talk therapy more than other times in my life. And therapy is about deepening your self awareness and your understanding. Because sometimes we don't know what we want or why we react the way we do until we talk through things. We say this on the show all the time. Talk therapy is one of those things that is greater than the sum of its parts. It Seems like two people talking in a room. But when it's a professional who knows how to listen, how to actively listen, and to guide and coax you into the right areas. It is absolutely life changing. And BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can take you on that journey of self discovery from wherever you are. It's never been easier. Therapy has absolutely changed my life. It's changed Val's life. Obviously for the better or I wouldn't be talking about it right now. Now it's, it's like a catharsis. It's guidance. It's everything that you're, that you're hoping it will be, I promise. Talk therapy can really make a huge difference in your life, especially at a time of transition or change. And when aren't we in a time of change. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire or get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo today to get 10% off your first month. That's better. H E L P betterhelp.com weirdo Support your mind, your mental health and show some support for the show. It means a lot. Go to betterhelp.com weirdo last but not least, we're brought to us by our friends at Ritual Multivitamin. You guys know I record these intros often when I'm traveling on the road. And I always demonstrate that ritual. I take lots of different supplements at lots of different times in my life. But ritual are the only ones that make it into the carry on. I never travel without them. I never miss a day. I take their probiotic and I take their daily men's multivitamin and I have the doctor check out to show this stuff works. It gets into your system, you don't just pee it out. I hear a lot of people dismissing multivitamins because it just goes through your system. 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Do your body a favor, do your gut a favor and show your support of the show. It means a lot. All right, everybody, let's get back to Ms. Pat. And we're instantly back. Tell me a little bit about how the Ms. Pat show came about. I mean, we were just in prison fighting a woman who was on crack cocaine and she's gonna stab you with a pen. It's a long way from having your show be Emmy nominated going into the third season.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What is going on?

[Ms. Pat]

How did it happen? I. I honestly podcast made it happen. I did a. I get. I did Mark Marin podcast and right after that I did Rogan and from Mark Marin podcast, I sold a book and I sold. I mean, I got audition. I mean, people called me in and said, hey, I want to give you a book.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Really?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. At the same. At the same time. So. But it still took five years to get the show on TV.

[Pete Holmes]

From this podcast, you'll get a 10 minute spot at the Belly Room.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay, we're good. I'm looking forward to it. Peter already had that tonight, so I.

[Pete Holmes]

Can'T even Give you what you don't already have. So you did Marin. You told your story. They were like, please put that in a book. Then you said, then you did Rogan. And someone's like, please make that into a show.

[Ms. Pat]

I will say this. I did Ari, and a lady heard me say, I think I can get you a book deal. Well, we had started working on the book deal, and we released Marin, and then the. The publishers came along and bought the book. But at that time, Hollywood started. I had six interviews after that to come on, to just talk about, you know, just. Just try to see if I had anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And I signed with one company nine months later that didn't work out.

[Pete Holmes]

Any matches are for TV shows.

[Ms. Pat]

TV shows. Imagine Ron Howard Co. Picked me up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And said, I think we can develop something with you. So they brought Lee Daniel on the project. And we. It took a little time. I went through a few writers. I finally got a writer that understood the projects. And then we wrote a pilot. We sold it to Hulu. Hulu shot it, said, hell, no, and we waited.

[Pete Holmes]

How was that? Don't gloss over that. That must have been painful.

[Ms. Pat]

That wasn't painful. No, no. I mean, I'm a. I come from a background where I'm conditioned to hear no. When you say yeah, that's when I. Like what the. You say.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's what you don't know what to do with.

[Ms. Pat]

It's a protective mode for me because so in life, people have let me down. So I expect for you to say no. So when you say yes, I'm shocked.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

So when Hulu picked it up and they shot it and, you know, it. It wasn't. They felt like it wasn't for their platform. But I have to. I always have to thank Hulu because they helped us create such a great pilot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

When we took it out again and BET plus looked at it, they automatically bought it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. So it was the same pilot. You didn't reshoot the pilot?

[Ms. Pat]

No, we didn't reshoot the pilot.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't it briefly go to Fox there, too?

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I tell you, after Lee Daniel, what's called. At the time, Empire was the biggest thing on tv. So Fox gave me the deal, and when I. The third writer came along, he told them that I should be on streaming and I should. You shouldn't censor me. So we took it over to Hulu.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Because Fox was going to be. Be.

[Ms. Pat]

You know how Fox.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot less and.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Every. All of that. I mean, even with the. Even with the content. Even with the content. You know, we did this second season.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you said cunt tease. And I'm gonna be honest because I was like, you can't say. You're like, you can't say cunties. But you were saying content.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, content. So, you know, like I did an abortion episode, right? Where I'm in my. I'm in my late 50. I mean, my. I'm 50 years old and I get an abortion. Well, I'm still married. Fox ain't going for that.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, right.

[Ms. Pat]

So, you know, T, some TV just like to tie up in a bow. We don't do that over there. We. If we talking about something, we gonna talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Right.

[Ms. Pat]

The way real people should talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

So, you know, we went to Hulu and after they shot it, they said no, and BET plus picked it up. And at first I was a little worried there was a new platform. I had never heard of BET Sauce.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

And after doing some research and I just told my co creator, I said, look, if it's good, people gonna come. Two things, and I say this all the time. Two things in this world I've never seen a commercial for is crack and Waffle House.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're both doing fine.

[Ms. Pat]

They're both gonna sell. They've been doing fine for years. So I said, if we put crack and put a little cheese and eggs and they crack, we good. We. We got. We got a recipe, and that's what we did. And each year it catch on more and more and more.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And didn't you do multiple seasons? Like, didn't they buy multiple seasons or something's going on where you got picked up for two seasons?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I did. I did season two. And then in the middle of that, they came in and they did season three. And so at after season one, I ended up getting an overall deal with Viacom and BET plus.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Ms. Pat]

Good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's incredible. And how has your life changed? I mean, this is a new level of success. You've been poor, you've been breaking into houses to steal diapers, selling.

[Ms. Pat]

But you're building your own. I've always had money. I sold crack. I. I did a lot of crazy shit in my life to get money.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean you weren't hurting when you were selling crack? You were doing okay?

[Ms. Pat]

I was doing really well. I made a lot of money.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you really were.

[Ms. Pat]

I made a lot of fucking money.

[Pete Holmes]

Where were you in the. In the food chain of drug dealing? You weren't just working the street Then you were distributing.

[Ms. Pat]

No, I was making a lot of money.

[Pete Holmes]

You were making the deals with the importers or the people. People are making crack. People cook crack.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I cooked. You cook your own crack?

[Pete Holmes]

You cook your own crack?

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. Okay. It's no such thing as. You cook the powder, which is a white people drug.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

And you turn it into crack. Crack.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

Do you know that you can get more time than you can powder cocaine?

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely. Which is institutionalized racism. It's like normalized racism because powder is for you.

[Ms. Pat]

We don't use powder.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Ms. Pat]

Black people smoke crack.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't like that. I'm the example of whiteness.

[Ms. Pat]

But I mean, I'm just sitting there. I'm sitting across from.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I get it. If there was another white guy, we could have gestured.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, I could say her name.

[Pete Holmes]

Loves going skiing, if you know what I mean.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

She does a lot of coke.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I don't believe that.

[Pete Holmes]

Just to listen to all these podcasts. You think she's doing that?

[Ms. Pat]

I think she's Starbucks. That's what I think.

[Pete Holmes]

She's doing regular Italian, Italiano crack.

[Ms. Pat]

If she was doing cocaine, she wouldn't have no teeth. She is really nice.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. We know that for a fact.

[Ms. Pat]

Is that your wife?

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's Katie.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, well, damn.

[Pete Holmes]

That's her official title. That's Katie.

[Ms. Pat]

God damn. No, that's Katie.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean it as an insult.

[Ms. Pat]

Katie ain't gonna ask you if you're a boy or girl. Not in this society.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie is a AFAB assigned female at birth, and she's been our producer for over 10 years.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, great. Katie. Nice to meet you.

[Pete Holmes]

So you were making a lot of money making your own crack.

[Ms. Pat]

I was not making my own crack.

[Pete Holmes]

You said you cooked it.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. You cooked it. Came in a product form. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You got the cocaine. Here's a question. Why make it into crack?

[Ms. Pat]

Because black people didn't do powder. We care about our nose.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why. Because you'd rather smoke something than. Well, because you can free base the powder, can't you?

[Ms. Pat]

It was just not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's marketing, really. Like, it just wasn't really introduced.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know if the high was better. I don't know, because I've never. I never done no cocaine or crack.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

But it was just something, you know, black people wasn't into.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

When I. When I. As far as I can remember back, it was always cracking, which I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

An expert on the history, but it did Seem like in a deliberate attack on impoverished black communities. It's like let's do. Let's flood it in and make a lot of arrests. And like you said, I think you.

[Ms. Pat]

Gave the black community something the poor black people wasn't used to, which was money. They was able to buy better things, do better things, live a little bit better.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean the dealers.

[Ms. Pat]

The dealers. And then that's when you saw all the killing came along. It was all set up.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, because I mean, think about this. Well, you. I don't know how you are, but the black father was never removed from the household until crack hit the black community.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me you never heard.

[Ms. Pat]

We didn't have a daddy. Everybody had a daddy. Black men went to work all the time. As soon as crack hit the black community, it destroyed the black homes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you feel like that was intentional? I mean, you wouldn't be the only one.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, we as black people feel like that was intention.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? It was by design.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. I mean, it's the same way as gentrification. When they come in and they want you to. The black people is like is in Baltimore, in Atlanta. We need that. We need that city, you know, so they can control the state.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

You get. You get all of those poor black people out of Atlanta. That's a big ass con of the state.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Right. And it's also like this. It seems like there's this belief that there has to be somebody at the bottom. So whoever's at the bottom, keep them at the bottom. Does that. Is that part of the theory? It's like, let's. Because you. It was already a community that was struggling, right?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you flood it to keep it down. You know what I mean? Like it make it worse.

[Ms. Pat]

You know, I just saw this thing on tv.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm driving it straight. I don't know why.

[Ms. Pat]

I saw this thing on Tik Tok and this guy was speaking. I don't know if y' all ever seen it, but he was saying it was a white dude telling the story. He said rich people come into poor neighborhood and buy buildings and leave them condemned so they can drive down the value of the neighborhood. So if they drive it so low, they could continue to buy, or they'll buy and let it go raggedy and they'll drive down the value of the neighborhood. And when they do that, they can get everything in that neighborhood for free. So if you really did your research on a lot of those condemned buildings in the ghetto, they're owned by. By sometime one company or one person.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Ms. Pat]

And as they do that to bring down the value, to say, oh, this is a ghetto. And then the city just started giving you, well, hey, we'll give you this. We'll give you this. We'll give you this to fix it up right when it was always somebody behind it driving down the value of the black community.

[Pete Holmes]

That's sinister. Yeah, that's really devilish.

[Ms. Pat]

Welcome to America.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome into the camera, please. Welcome.

[Ms. Pat]

Welcome to America with Ms. Pat.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it's dark and you. Do you tackle stuff like that on the show? I've seen. I haven't seen every episode, but you go after police violence, murder, all that stuff.

[Ms. Pat]

We have not did one police brutality, have we?

[Pete Holmes]

There was a joke about it.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, no, it was. You say shooting.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. You said you can. Black people don't buy lottery tickets.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, yeah, that was a bit I wrote. I can't even remember. Oh, I said, oh. It was in my monologue. I said black people.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you said it on the airplane because then the woman.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, yeah, the woman sitting next to me was. That was actually a bit. So when I was creating the show, I moved to Plainfield, Indiana, and I lived in that little white neighborhood. And I used to. I used to fly Southwest all the time. And so I like to talk to people just to see what they thinking. I don't judge you if you, if you vote or believe in whatever. Just a conversation. And I think as Americans, it's the things that we could. Could we. We should do more of. We can get a better understanding. I don't say you racist because you vote for Trump. I don't want you to think something is wrong with me because I vote a certain way. I think no matter which way we vote or believe in, we should be able to. At the end, we should be able to respect each other. I agree. So I, When I used to fly Southwest, I would always say Southwest, the.

[Pete Holmes]

Place where you can have those conversations.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes, yes, that's right. So I was like a. Right, right. Get on a plane first. And I would always block off a seat for a white person. Oh, I'm not lying. For somebody that did not look like that. I would talk to on a daily B. Usually it would strongly be white means every time, every now and then, I'll get a vocal white woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

But I would block off the seat, act like I'm waiting on somebody, and as they come down the aisle, I catch my victim. And once, I mean, and I, you know, I start off as a regular conversation. It would get into life or we'll get into religion. Because I'm a. I'm an easy person to talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk to. Yeah, you are.

[Ms. Pat]

And so that's how that whole bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Came about was the lottery bit with.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, the lottery bit. And sitting on the.

[Pete Holmes]

You said that to someone?

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, that's. I made a bit out of that. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's based on something you said on a southwest light. Tell the people what you said because I know what you said, but they don't know.

[Ms. Pat]

I can't remember the bit you said.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't want to say it, but I'll say it. You said black people don't buy lottery tickets.

[Ms. Pat]

They just wait on the police to shoot your child.

[Pete Holmes]

And then maybe you'll get an eight million dollar settlement.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then.

[Ms. Pat]

And then taxes. Yep. That was.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a very dark thing, but it's a way of addressing something that is very true.

[Ms. Pat]

We. They kill all kids, you know, the police, you know, and. And I look, I try to look at it as both ways. I say this to police officer, think about if that was your child somebody was shooting, would you want your child to be treated the way you see these black. I don't give a. If he did run from me, I don't give a. You're a police officer. Your whole thing is to take a man alive and make sure you OK too. You know, I can see if somebody's trying to harm you, but God damn. You shoot somebody for having a cell phone in their hand 55 times.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

That's a problem. Right, but. No, but this. What's wrong with this country in this world? I believe nobody ever put their self in that situation.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's. That's the core of the problem is we forgot that we belong to each other.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. So would you want somebody treating your child in a way.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Ms. Pat]

Would you want somebody beating the dog out of your child, Shooting your child like that? So when I made that whole bit and I opened it up with that because. Because I tried to give the other two writers that, but they wouldn't listen to me. But I'm like, we can be funny, but we can also be sending a message. But we ain't gotta hit Miss Pa. Show is not a teaching moment for white people. It's a teaching moment for all of us. Even when I did the non binary episode, it was because my daughter is gay and my other daughter had a friend like that and I had never heard of the word non binary. And when she said she was neutrogen. Gender. What is it? Gender? Neuter.

[Pete Holmes]

Gender neutral gender. Neuter is very different.

[Ms. Pat]

I said, well, why are you Neutrogender. Neutrogena.

[Pete Holmes]

Neutrogena, yeah. Damn. Gina Martin. Martin Lawrence, Will Smith.

[Ms. Pat]

Shampoo.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Pouring out the shampoo. We're back in prison.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. So, I mean, it's just something that, you know, it's hard conversation. We.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But humor can help.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

When you do it funny. I'm sure the Southwest flight was the same. You could. Can you have a specific talent. Spider. Of addressing things and tiny baby little spider.

[Ms. Pat]

You should have killed it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he's. He's definitely hobbling. I went like that. That was huge for him. It was like a tsunami.

[Ms. Pat]

In three weeks he gonna be so big. But anyway, keep going.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just trying to give you the compliment that you are so funny. There's a lot of things that you can tackle and address for a lot of people to watch and enjoy. Is that. That it's very hard to do. Nobody can do that. Very, very few people can do it. And you're very special in that way. We're almost out of time, which I hate. But what do you think about God real quick?

[Ms. Pat]

God?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, God. We talked about God tricking you a lot. What. What is your God? Do you think life is over when we die? Do you. Do you pray? Tell me. Tell me a little.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't pray a lot. Not that's. I don't. I never read the Bible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a bit of a snooze, but.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, well, you know, it's man made, so it's a way to control the population of people on earth. I truly. And I believe some of it is real. But I do think that something's bigger than all of us out in the universe.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think you've been here before?

[Ms. Pat]

I think all of us is. I think we're recycled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I agree.

[Ms. Pat]

I. Cause you know what? I was looking on Facebook and so they have this thing where they show you that people before you. You ever seen that? And they have all of these famous black actors.

[Pete Holmes]

People before you.

[Ms. Pat]

Ye like. Like to show you you've been here before. And then they'll show you how people in Africa really looked.

[Pete Holmes]

Jasmine, what does that mean?

[Ms. Pat]

No, no, no, no, no. They show you like they show you a picture of Denzel Washington. Then a hundred years ago, they'll show you somebody that was straight out of a trial. They look just like Denzel Washington.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Same face.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah. Same face. So I do think we all are recycled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, God's running out of face ideas. I'll give them a, that, yeah, we're just like, I don't know that fucking face again. And if you're gonna redo one, Denzel's a good choice. Yeah, but you know that, dude, 300 years ago, people were like, man, that's a symmetrical face.

[Ms. Pat]

But I, I truly believe we all been here before. I think we all recycle. Yeah, I, I, I don't know. I don't think it's a hell or a heaven. I think we just out there floating, come back. I mean, and I think we all come back.

[Pete Holmes]

That's gotta make you less afraid to die, though. You're just like, this is the only game in town and we're just gonna keep doing it.

[Ms. Pat]

I accepted it. I, I have accepted we all going to die. But I don't know if, I don't know if hell is real. I don't know if heaven is real. You know, when I was little, you had the Last supper on the wall. I just pray that God has upgraded that dinner to a chick fil a in heaven, because I know I'm coming. Nobody want them shitty grapes that was on that plate on the last supper. Nobody wants to eat that.

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus. This is your last supper.

[Ms. Pat]

Could we get that bread with no preservatives in? Nobody wants that. I just hope it's a, I hope it's a yellow brick road of fast food and we can just live.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go.

[Ms. Pat]

But I truly believe that we all been here before.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that. Let me ask you this, our final question. Can you tell me this flew by, by the way, you're such a talent and such a pleasure to talk to, and I really hope I get to be on your show only to hang out with you. You can cut me out.

[Ms. Pat]

I know I've been, I've been streaming.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut the scenes out.

[Ms. Pat]

No, no, I, I've been screaming, hey, we gotta get Pete Lee on this show. We gotta get Pete Lee on this show.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Holmes Lee. Get that Lee out of here.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't, I don't know why I'm thinking of Pete Lee. Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, we gotta get Pete Holmes on this show. And you work with Patrick Wash. Yeah, that's my boy. Yes. So Patrick is a writer on the show.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And he says it's a true. And he's right. He's, he's very proud of it.

[Ms. Pat]

You know what? We brought Patrick. I mean, we Brought Pratch over to BET and he has just fell in love.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we.

[Ms. Pat]

He is bet. He is just fell in love. I love me some Patrick.

[Pete Holmes]

You should, like, if you're ever bored, listen to him on this podcast because he tells these stories you wouldn't believe.

[Ms. Pat]

Really? He told me he did stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

Before, and he's done it a couple times. Yeah, for some reason, he's not. He doesn't have the bug to, like, do it all the time, but when he does it, I've seen him do it. It's very good. He's very funny.

[Ms. Pat]

Good.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a surprise. The question I have for you here.

[Ms. Pat]

At the end, Pete Holmes. Not Pete Lee.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Ms. Pat]

Pete Holmes is coming on my show.

[Pete Holmes]

And not Pete Corial. I don't know who the F. Davidson.

[Ms. Pat]

I don't know what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

E. There are other people.

[Ms. Pat]

Peter Pan.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Peter Pan. Although I've been known to go out a few windows. What does that mean? Listen, I don't know what it meant, but it could mean so many things and none of them are good. Okay, can you tell me the time in your life you laugh the hardest? It doesn't have to be a great story, but if you're, like, worried you're going to throw up, you're laughing so hard, tears going down your face, maybe you're a kid, kid. Maybe somebody fell, maybe somebody farted, maybe somebody slipped. Maybe your brother got shot at.

[Ms. Pat]

I'll tell you the story. My mama had one leg because she lost her leg to diabetes real early. And so she used to get a Social Security check once a month. We didn't have a car at the time, so she would catch a cab because there was no Uber back in these days. To the back bank. Have the man sit there all day. To the bank, to the check deposit in the bank. It was a Social Security check. And a lot of time it didn't come to after 12, but she'll catch the cab at 8 o' clock and just wait here. Just wait here. Just wait. And I'm like. And I'm saying to myself, I'm young. I'm like, well, just go to the bank at 12:30. You know the check is gonna be there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ms. Pat]

So we were sitting outside the bank. It was an African guy. And by the time we get back home, I yell, I think the cab is 75. My mom probably got 600 here. She refused to pay that man.

[Pete Holmes]

She had the cab idling out front the bank. $75 worth.

[Ms. Pat]

Yes. It probably was more than that.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember, this is not a good financial decision.

[Ms. Pat]

Thank you. We already poor. And he. She get her check. He take us by the stove. She get a weed and take her back. And she don't want to pay the man. So the man called the police. So by this time, I don't got my mama wheelchair out. And, you know, because she was. She didn't have a leg on and put in a wheelchair. The police, like, knock on the door and he said, ma', am, you. You. You. You jumped out of a cabin rain. My mom's like, how the I jump out of a cab. I got one leg. Police officer. So the police. The police said, my mom get a man this money. I ain't getting my thing, y'. All. He tilts her wheelchair back and say, well, off the jail you go. My mama snatched that money out her leg and threw it at that cab driver.

[Pete Holmes]

He tilted her back like, this is the easiest way to take a person to prison ever.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, he about to roll it down the steps. You know, you just came. You got to tilt the wheelchair back. He tilt that chair back. And boy about to take her to that police car. She pulled that money away from up on that fake socks, that leg with that sock on it so quick. I hollered about. About five months later, I called a cab, and the cab driver picked me up. Right, Right. He's like, where's your crazy ass mom at? I said, man, she died.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Can I also say in your mom's defense, this is the 80s.

[Ms. Pat]

This was the 90s.

[Pete Holmes]

90S. Anytime before Uber cabs were the worst. It was so hard to get a cab. So that's why she probably wanted this guy.

[Ms. Pat]

No, not in Atlanta. We lived in Atlanta. It's hard to get one in New York. They.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even mean for the race reasons. I. I just mean calling a cab.

[Ms. Pat]

No, but there was. You know, it was really big in Atlanta, so it was. Not everybody wasn't catching a cab. You know, people was getting their asses on the bus, but she couldn't get on the bus. Cause she had a wheelchair.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Right.

[Ms. Pat]

We. Anytime we called him, you know something? Now it's hard to get a cab. But that time, she was going to take her ass to jail. And I kept trying to say, mama, why are we here at the bank? It was like two hours we was in that car sweating. We have no money for food. We was hot as. And my mama kept having me go in the bank and ask Bab. The chick got there yet? The chick.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, My God. He did a wheelie. He made your mom do a wheelie in a wheelchair.

[Ms. Pat]

Well, she's about to take her black ass to jail that day, boy. She gave that cab driver his money and he left the meter running while he called the police.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's a smart cab driver right there.

[Ms. Pat]

And she. And I think she was out like 100 and some bucks and her check was only like 600 or something. She's like, I guess you ain't gonna eat for the rest of the month. I didn't give a fuck. I thought that was a funny shit, watching her go to jail.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Ms. Pat, thank you. People can watch Ms. Pat show on BET. Plus, the pat down is your podcast. Thank you for being here.

[Ms. Pat]

Season three is out now.

[Pete Holmes]

It's out now.

[Ms. Pat]

It's out right now.

[Pete Holmes]

And would. This is how we end the show. The guest says, keep it crispy. It's just the catchphrase. Would you grace us with a keep it crispy?

[Ms. Pat]

Keep it crispy, but not fried crispy. Be.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you for giving us the full meal. Not the crumbles. You gave us the full meal today.

[Ms. Pat]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

It was awesome.

[Ms. Pat]

How the. I'm going get up out this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to help you get out of that thing. That's magic, mind. That was a little coffee drink. That's a little water. Nirvana water. You don't. You can take them with you.

[Ms. Pat]

Okay, I take them with me.