Samm Levine

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Samm Levine (July 13, 2022)

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Episode Overview

In this ebullient, sprawling conversation, Pete Holmes sits down with actor/comedian Samm Levine (Freaks & Geeks, Inglourious Basterds) for a classic deep-dive into secret weirdness, near-death stories, cinephilia, and the bittersweet “lore” of Hollywood bit parts. The two riff endlessly on everything from breakfast cereal and skydiving to Tarantino's moviemaking ethos and why neither of them has ever finished The Godfather. True to form, their banter weaves smart observations, Jewish humor, and vulnerable moments into a fast-paced, laughter-filled ride.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Jewish Identity and Traditions

• The episode opens with a tongue-in-cheek riff about Jewish identity, holidays, and the street-side “Are you Jewish?” question.
  • Samm: “There’s a holiday where they stop you on the street and ask if you’re Jewish.” (07:59)
  • Pete: “It’s called Nazi Germany. Show us your papers!” (08:15)
• Discussion on wedding traditions, like breaking the glass, with Samm explaining why he and his (non-Jewish) wife skipped many Jewish rituals.
  • Samm: "I'm not going to do it if I don't know why I'm doing it... There's no single straight answer." (90:56)
  • Pete: “I’m kind of tradition envious.” (88:30)
• They both reflect on the secularization of religious identities and the meaning (or lack thereof) behind certain customs.

2. Lottery Wealth and the Good Life

• Pete floats a thought experiment: if you were anonymously worth $300 million, would you still do the things you love?
  • Samm admits he’s a “man of leisure”—the type who wouldn't go stir-crazy taking it easy (22:25).
  • Pete: “That is the movie Office Space. You’re Peter, man.” (23:07)
  • Samm: “I am capable of doing very little in a day and being very okay with that.” (23:19)
• Leisure days for Samm involve watching three baseball games with zero guilt or need for more activity (24:28).

3. Hollywood Anecdotes – “Lore” and Getting Cut

• Samm’s Jobs (Ashton Kutcher/Steve Jobs biopic) anticlimax: He auditioned for one smallish role, improvised, and ended up with a “numbered” bit part that was cut down to one line on the fly. He requested to go uncredited—only to see his name in the credits on an airline years later (39:05–50:12).
  • Samm: "I'm a big boy. I've been cut out of plenty of things." (44:15)
  • "I thought, I should probably go uncredited in this movie, what with my one line of dialogue..." (45:02)
  • On seeing it years later: "I forgot I was in that movie... I had a moment in my seat on this plane." (48:39)
• Similar “lore” from being unbilled in Lost and the mid-level Hollywood experience.

4. Movie Love and Cinephilia

• Samm’s cinephilia is deeply rooted; both parents and his grandfather were movie nuts with extensive collections. He grew up with cable TV in his room by age eleven (55:29).
  • "My parents loved movies. They had an enormous collection... I was brought up with a love of cinema." (56:44)
• The “first movie that opened the world”: A Clockwork Orange at age 11 or 12, which transported him and shifted his view of what movies could do (58:18).
  • Samm: “I did not think a story like that could be told in a film.” (58:54)
• Pete shares how Good Will Hunting similarly moved him—“snapped him into reality” at 17 (64:24).
  • “Sometimes when I’m pitching a movie, I’ll remind people—do you remember what it was like … you watched a movie and it actually snapped you into reality?” (65:05)
• Discussion on what makes “the best” vs. “favorite” films, with Samm naming The Godfather as “the best,” and A Clockwork Orange as his favorite (68:03).
  • Samm: “Anything goes with favorites. No one can touch your favorite.” (67:15)

5. Near-Death Experiences

• Samm details two times he almost died:
  1. Drowning in Mexico During Filming: During Club Dread’s shoot, a night swim where Samm, a weak swimmer, got caught in an undertow and nearly drowned—saved, in part, by a lucky wave and crawling to shore (74:04–81:33).
     • “I'm fighting for my life in water that I cannot handle.” (79:14)
     • Pete: “We go from don’t die to don’t make someone else uncomfortable.” (81:00)
  2. Solo Skydiving Malfunction: Took skydiving past tandems, and on his first solo jump, his main chute malfunctioned. Samm troubleshoots his malfunction at dangerously low altitude before the chute finally fully opens (101:11–110:35).
     • “I look up, and I immediately identify what the malfunction is, and I’m trying to fix it ... I gave it everything I had … then it goes—pop!—and now I’ve got it.” (109:48)
     • He continued to skydive, reaching 11 solo jumps, before a rough landing sidelined him (112:18).

6. On Not Having Kids & Secular Worldviews

• Couples' decision not to have children: Pragmatic, selfish, undramatic ("We want to eat nachos in the sad world by ourselves." 116:18)
• Samm is an agnostic/atheist who won’t claim 100% certainty either way; likens it to Penn Jillette’s “infinite possibility” viewpoint (118:49–120:17).
  • “Much in the same way that no one can prove there is 100% a God … you can be 99.9, you can’t be 100.” (118:49)

7. Tarantino, Acting, and “Because We Love Making Movies”

• On the Inglourious Basterds set, Quentin Tarantino famously motivates the crew between takes by saying: “Because we love making movies.” (as explanation for re-doing great takes; 125:54)
  • Samm: “He’s never allowed himself to forget his childlike exuberance of love of cinema ... he gets to do at the highest level.” (127:11)
• Reveals Tarantino’s backstory for Brad Pitt’s Aldo the Apache's scar (lynching gone awry after intervening against racists), and his directorial method—authenticity above all; he'd rewrite scenes on the fly if the actors' energy changed (131:12–140:21).
  • “He needed something authentic. And if we couldn't get to the authentic thing he wanted, he'd find the authentic thing we could do, and he'd make that the scene.” (140:34)
• Reflections on being cut from scenes (“I got Steve Jobs’d”) and how big ensemble movies are made longer and edited down (133:07).

8. Favorite Deep-Cut Movies & Trivia Brain

• Samm’s affection for the “bad” film Freejack (Emilio Estevez, Mick Jagger) and ability to recall minute movie details and trivia—“That’s how my brain works. I remember everything in the movies.” (124:26)
• Pete marvels at Samm’s encyclopedic memory, emotional connections to movies, and their contagious energy.

9. Hardest Time Samm Ever Laughed

• The hardest he ever laughed was at a Friars Club street joke, which he still tells himself to cheer up:
  • “Help me find my car keys. We’ll drive out.” (punchline of an old blue bar joke; 145:58–147:54)
  • Samm: “I laughed so hard I’m crying at the table.” (145:47)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On leisure and the good life:

  • Samm: “Some people retire … and they don’t know what to do. … Not me. … I am capable of doing very little in a day and being very okay with that.” (23:18)

• On “Jobs” Movie Lore:

  • “I thought, I should probably go uncredited in this movie, what with my one line of dialogue… It’ll be one of those weird things that makes it a little more special for me.” (45:02)
  • “I forgot I was in that movie … I had a moment in my seat on this plane.” (48:39)

• On the power of movies:

  • “I did not think a story like that could be told in a film.” (Samm, on Clockwork Orange, 58:54)
  • Pete: “Sometimes when I’m pitching a movie, I’ll remind people—do you remember what it was like … you watched a movie and it actually snapped you into reality?” (65:05)

• On traditions:

  • Samm: “I'm not going to do it if I don't know why I'm doing it ... There's no single straight answer [to the glass].” (90:56)
  • On breaking the glass: “If even one person who stepped on a glass did it for that reason [superstition], I’m not doing it.” (92:15)

• On almost drowning:

  • “I'm fighting for my life in water that I cannot handle.” (79:14)

• On skydiving malfunction:

  • “I tried one last time, gave it absolutely everything … then it goes—pop!—and now I've got it.” (109:48)

• On atheism and uncertainty:

  • “Much in the same way that no one can prove there is 100% a God… you can be 99.9, you can't be 100.” (118:49)

• On the Friars Club hardest laugh:

  • Samm: “I laughed so hard I’m crying at the table. … Help me find my car keys, we’ll drive out.” (145:47, 147:54)

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Timeline of Key Segments

• 07:59 — Opening, Jewish holiday riff, Mr. Rogers impressions, docking jokes.
• 13:50 — Steve Jobs/lottery wealth & the “curse of too much money.”
• 22:05 — Doing nothing/leisure days—baseball and happy solitude.
• 39:05 — The Jobs movie “being cut” story, Hollywood lore.
• 54:00 — Samm’s family movie history; seeing A Clockwork Orange at age 12.
• 64:00 — Pete’s Good Will Hunting moment.
• 74:00 — Club Dread drowning incident, followed by the skydiving story at 101:00.
• 90:56 — Wedding traditions and breaking the glass debate.
• 118:00 — Secular worldview, atheism, “99.9%” certainty discussion.
• 124:26 — Samm’s deep-cut trivia brain; love for Freejack.
• 125:54 — Tarantino set stories ("Because we love making movies"), directing style, Pitt’s character scar.
• 145:47 — Friars Club street joke—hardest time Samm ever laughed.

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Conclusion: Episode Vibes

The episode is vintage You Made It Weird: riotous, rambly, and full of warmth, with Pete and Samm swapping stories both absurd and sincere. It’s a conversation about why comedy (and movies) matter, why sometimes being “cut” from something can be a badge of honor, and why the best weirdness is often the truest. For fans of comedy lore, personal mythologies, and the secret handshakes of showbiz, it's a can’t-miss.

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“Help me find my car keys. We'll drive out.”
– Samm Levine (147:54)

“Because we love making movies.”
– Quentin Tarantino, via Samm Levine (125:54)

“No one can touch your favorite.”
– Samm Levine (67:15)

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Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with weird.

[B]

Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? Another wonderful weirdo Wednesday here with Sam Levine from Freaks and Geeks. Freaky Geeky, as I like to call it. Also just a delightful human being and a wonderful podcast guest. Filled with wonderful stories, jokes, attitudes and anecdotes. Altitudes. He's great. Let's get to it as quickly as possible. Not too much to plug up top here. I do have a monthly Largo show. If you're in the Los Angeles area and want to see me do Stand up. The last one the day this came out. That so the show would have been yesterday had Bill Burr. Spill Burr. Come on, Bill Burr. Incredible. Always, always, always, always. Great. Go to largo-la.com and look for Pete Holmes living at Largo or hope to see you at those shows. It's always awesome to have weirdos out there. And I have a couple other live dates coming up. I'm going to be in Montreal for the Just for Laughs Fest. We're going to be doing a live podcast there. And I'm also going to be at the Just for Laughs Fest In Cancun, Mexico, November 2nd through 6th of this year. Go to Pollen P O L N E N CO for more on that. That's going to be fun. We'll also be dealing live podcasts after at that as well. And if you like the show, why not show some support and try one of the Pete's picks like Me undies. What? Me undies. Am I wearing blue plaid? Blue plaid Me Undies. Let me ask you something. Are you still trying to make plans with you this summer? As if you aren't booked and busy already, you're going to have to tell them to try again in the fall. You've got pool days, pride parades, bachelor parties, and beach vacations waiting for you. It's a a lot. But thankfully Me Undies wants to make this summer the most comfortable one you'll never forget. Because when you're living your best life, the last thing you want to worry about is butt sweat. A butt sweat. Butt sweat. I heard about Me Undies on another podcast years ago, and Valerie and I both did a complete underwear and loungewear overhaul. My PJ pants. My undies. I love the colorful prints. I don't go for the plain ones. I go for the colorful, fun ones because I'm a colorful, fun guy and I haven't looked back. I absolutely, absolutely love them. So when you're comfy and feeling good, you know you're more present to enjoy all of your summer plans. It's like science or something. Me Undies has the lightest and most breathable fabrics to keep you cool and comfortable wherever you go. I can attest to that. It's a very breathable undy. From undies bralettes and socks to loungewear and swimwear, you can find something for all your plans. Meundies also releases new prints all the time like their limited edition Pride collection. You can match with your partner, your friends or even your dog. Find your ultimate summer summer comfort in sizes extra extra small to 4xL. And Mandy's has a great offer for weirdos for any first time purchasers. You get 15 off for a limited time. If you sign up for their free to join me undies membership, you get 25 off your first membership item. So to get 15 off your first order, 25 off your first membership item and a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee, go to meundies.com weird that's meundies.com weird weird and show your support of this show. Second up, it's been a Pete's pick for the longest time. It is alpha brain. Alpha brain is a nootropic. Nootropic. Nootropic, which is basically a vitamin for your brain. It's like fish food for your noggin. It helps with memory, it helps with focus. In my personal experience, it helps very much with creativity. Whenever I'm doing a podcast like this one or I'm guesting on someone else's podcast, I if I'm writing a script, if I'm doing standup, or if I'm just going out to a party and I want to have full access to my brain, I just take 2 or 3 Alpha brain 15 minutes beforehand. It is not a stimulant. It is probably the thing I turn on people to the most just in my regular life because they see me taking it. I was, I was shooting something today, I popped a couple in that were in my pocket. People always go, what is that? They want to know. And I tell them it's not a stimulant. It's not like caffeine. It doesn't get you all jacked up. It just gives your brain the earth grown nutrition, earth grown nutrition that it needs to function. And what wouldn't be better in your life if your brain worked a little bit better. I don't understand why all people aren't just taking this. It's made my life so Much better. And if you want to try it to see if you like it, if you like it 110 as much as I do, you're going to shit your pants. Go to onnit.com weird. You'll get 10% off everything you see on that page, including Alpha Brain. I like it in the instant powder, which is flavored. I also like it in the pills. Sometimes I just pour the powder directly into my mouth because it gets into my blood faster. That's how much I love it. So go to onit.com/weird. Show your support of the show and see if it'll change your life. Like it did to me. To me. You know that that's a sentence. Like it did to me. Last but not least, Everlane. Boom. I didn't even plan this. I'm wearing my Everlane every day. Just classic gray sweatshirt. I love Everlane. They make some of the best looking, best fitting, highest quality clothing I've ever owned in my life. And I love, love, love how transparent they are with their factory pro practices. They're very ethical, they're very moral, beautiful company. And also they're very careful when it comes to plastic because you may be careful about the plastic you use in everyday life. I know a lot of us are. But it's easy to overlook the plastic from synthetic materials in our closet. Everlane has made it 90% of the way to having no new plastics in their entire apparel, footwear and packaging supply chain. And to combat that last 10% that currently doesn't have quality alternatives, they've created the next collective. That's a fellowship program to boost innovation for ending new plastics in the fashion industry. So that means 100% of their shipping packaging is made from either 100% recycled plastic or FSC certified paper. 97% of their apparel materials containing polyester and nylon are made from certified recycled foam fibers. And more than 1 million pounds of nylon and 9 million plastic bottles have been recycled. Their new fellowship program brings diverse perspectives together to clean up the fashion industry. This year they've given a million dollars in grants to entrepreneurs working to reduce new plastics. So what I'm talking about, they make incredible clothing, but it's feeling looking good and feeling good about looking good. I love supporting them. Applicants were considered based on their long term potential, community impact and collaboration. And each fellow kept ownership of their ideas and dollars to advance their projects. I love their stuff. It's great to have them. If you want to support the show and want to look good while you're doing it, give Everlane a try be a part of the movement for more sustainable clothing. Go to everlane.comweird and sign up for 10% off your first order. That's 10% off your first order when you go to everlane.comweirds and sign up. All right, everybody. Hope to see you in Montreal. Hope to see you in Cancun. Or maybe I'll see you here in Los Angeles. In the meantime, try it Pete's Pick and enjoy Sammy the Machine Levine. Get into it. So many Jews. Somebody thought I was Jewish two nights ago. Don't say it like that. I could be. I could be flavored. I could be flavored. What is the Jewish holiday where they stop you on the street and they go, are you Jewish? I won't do the voice. You know the voice.

[A]

What's the holiday is when they fucking stop you on this.

[B]

No, you're a bad Jew. I'm gonna out Jew you this whole time.

[A]

I hope you were rolling.

[B]

Is it Purim?

[A]

Is it Sukkot? I know how you start the show, so I hope we're rolling on.

[B]

Yes, we're rolling on this.

[A]

You are called out on for saying, what's the holiday where they stop you on this?

[B]

There is a holiday.

[A]

Yeah, it's called Nazi Germany. Show us your papers. Are you Jewish?

[B]

That's 30 seconds to a holocaust. 30 seconds to holocaust. That's. That's Jared Leto's new band. 30 seconds. Well, that's to Mars. 30 seconds to holocaust. I just want you to know you're free to put your feet on the chair on the sofa. You don't have to.

[A]

I'm taking my shoes off.

[B]

You can also do that. It's very Mr. Rogers. Can I sing it, please? Won't you be mine? Wait, wait, wait. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day for a neighborhood. Could you be mine? Wouldn't you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor.

[A]

I think that was close enough.

[B]

There's another. But then it goes, it's a beauty. It's a neighborly day for a beauty. Would. It's something like that. A neighborly day for a beauty. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?

[A]

Won't you be my neighbor?

[B]

He says it like it's your secret. He goes, my neighbor. You know what that means?

[A]

Hi, neighbor.

[B]

Hi, neighbor.

[A]

I don't want. I just finally pulled. Ooh. My phone out of my pocket.

[B]

I laughed like a bully, like. But I didn't mean it like that. I meant, like. I've done that many a time. Sammy the Machine.

[A]

Is that precarious? Is that gonna bother you?

[B]

Remember Blues Traveler?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

I used to have a joke. It's not great, but I'd go, did that guy butter his harmonicas? Is that okay? Can you jump in?

[A]

He lost all the weight. He's fine.

[B]

He did lose all the weight. And he still butters them. Cause he did keto. Like, butter's not even. Butter's not even off the table for many, many thin. Wow, this is a bad.

[A]

You've really.

[B]

What do you say?

[A]

You've waded into the deep end.

[B]

I know, but I'm a soft baby. I feel like I'm allowed.

[A]

I think we should all be allowed. As long as you're. We're not being mean about it.

[B]

It's intense, Sammy.

[A]

Oh, it's all about intent.

[B]

All about the Benj. Intense Benj. Intentmans. I'll try and think of a movie trivia question to make you feel at home.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What? 1990, where Christian Bale holds a chainsaw?

[A]

That's from the year 2000 and it's American Psycho 2000. Yeah. Directed by Mary Heron. There you go. Clink. Sure. Actually, we're not really gonna do it, but then I remembered, oh, we were rolling.

[B]

Now we're rolling.

[A]

You touch tips? Yeah.

[B]

They call it docking.

[A]

They do call that docking if you have a foreskin. If you do. That's. I love that you know about that. You're a. You're a heterosexual CIS male.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Straight. Yes.

[B]

So, yeah, you can say straight or hetero.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yep. So though, as a word, sounds like into your own.

[A]

Does it?

[B]

Homo. Sounds like you're into others. I'm homo. Oh, my God. Like you're into hetero. Something about hetero sounds pointed inwards.

[A]

Okay. I mean, it's towards your own. Well, it's the Latin of it, so it's.

[B]

Oh, look at you.

[A]

Well, no, it's, you know, hetero.

[B]

2000 hetero.

[A]

Other homo is same.

[B]

Homogeneous.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Heterogeneous.

[A]

Heterogeneous.

[B]

Homogenous. Heterogeneous.

[A]

Hedonism.

[B]

He. Heterogenism. No, Sammy the machine. Look, we're having our little. We're firing her out. We're cleaning out the. The. The grease pit on our burners.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Out comes. He buttered his harmonicas. Out comes 30 seconds to.

[A]

Yep. Only for you, by the way. And this really is a sign of tremendous respect. Would I ever be up and doing something this early on a Saturday when I'm not on the clock?

[B]

On the clock. You are on the clock.

[A]

Am I?

[B]

You Are being paid one magic mind. You caught that so good.

[A]

Thanks. Left handed, no less.

[B]

You caught it, lefty. You don't have to. I just got it because you were drinking a caffeinated drink.

[A]

It was not. It was yucky.

[B]

Let's not even talk about.

[A]

I won't even talk about it.

[B]

Which rojo male cow. You were drinking. And then I said, do you want a magic bunny? And you said, no. And I was like, you're already drinking petroleum.

[A]

It was mostly jelly.

[B]

Do you think the guy who owns Red Bull looks at Elon Musk and is like, fah. Like, don't you think those are like similar brands? Like, we're going to the moon. We're gonna jump from the moon.

[A]

I don't think you understand the mission statement of Red Bull.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I don. Evolutions of going to the moon.

[B]

No, no. Red Bull's always like, somebody's gonna like bungee jump into a volcano. Red Bull.

[A]

I mean, they sponsor these things, but I don't know that they're coming up.

[B]

With the ideas Elon Musk is sponsoring.

[A]

No, he's like, I want to be a billionaire because I want to go to Mars.

[B]

You think he's sitting around being like, I do.

[A]

I think Elon Musk is sitting around. I think right now he's a kidding.

[B]

I was like, he's a podcaster. I'm not even going to finish questions. Do you think he's sitting around then? I just turned off.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yes, I do. You think like, Like I thought about Bill Burr's bit about how Steve Jobs wasn't that great. Which is the funniest take.

[A]

It is a very funny bit.

[B]

Obviously. I feel like in his heart he probably doesn't mean it, but he's like. The point he makes is they're still making him. He's been dead. He's been dead for years. They're still doing it. And like, there is a criticism to be made of Stephen Jobs is that he is the guy that's just kind of asking the nerds. I don't mean to point to you asking the nerds. No, but asking the nerds to design things. And then he looks at it and he's. It's a bit bulky. And then they're like, ah, do you.

[A]

Want to hear my only Steve Jobs story? And it has nothing to do with actual Steve Jobs now. This is a story all about how.

[B]

I. Oh, Slap, we don't do that anymore. Post Slap, we don't do that. You can do. I'm the master Reppa and I'm here to say I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way. Very similar. You remember Fruity Pebbles?

[A]

Of course I remember.

[B]

With the bedrock. Yellow, orange, purple, lime and red. But to get the fruity taste, I got to trick Fred.

[A]

Fred.

[B]

You knew it.

[A]

I did that.

[B]

Fred. Makes sense.

[A]

I used to eat Fruity Pebbles every day. But wait a minute.

[B]

Can I tell you my bit?

[A]

Please.

[B]

If you liked Fruity Pebbles more than Cocoa Pebbles. Did you?

[A]

I did.

[B]

You weren't hungry. You were thirsty. I've never had someone laugh at it. And I. It means the truth has arrived on Earth. Like Mana. It's here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, that's the truest thing I've ever thought. Like, hungry boys wanted the cocoa. There's something sustaining about the cocoa.

[A]

Bubbles.

[B]

Thirsty boys.

[A]

I don't know what you're talking about. I just wanted a giant bowl of fruit.

[B]

You wanted the colors.

[A]

I wanted the flavors of lime and orange.

[B]

The purple, orange and lime and red.

[A]

And the other one. I wanted a bowl of fruit that tasted like crunch.

[B]

When Lucky Charms. We're getting to your Steve Jobs story. Don't worry.

[A]

It doesn't matter.

[B]

You think we're not gonna get to it?

[A]

I know we will.

[B]

Put some cash right here.

[A]

Because it's not.

[B]

I'm not going to. I'm here to make you comfy. We're this close. We're this close to cucumber slices on your eyes. That's how. That's how comfy you're about to be.

[A]

That's fantastic.

[B]

Remember when Lucky Charms would be like red balloons that, like, launch a new marshmallow?

[A]

Yeah. That was. It was an ad campaign. If you watch Saturday morning television.

[B]

You knew that was our news.

[A]

It was. That was our breaking news.

[B]

It was our new pope.

[A]

Like how they do smoke. Like how they do bullshit commercials. Now that masquerade as, like, a news program. Like a person will go. And welcome back to the show. We're here with Dr. So and so. And it's some. Or whatever. I'm here to talk about this hair regrowth thing. Right? That was like that. But for Lucky Charms. Like, it might as well have had Walter Cronke. Breaking news from the Lucky Charms desk.

[B]

Yes. This coming in from Lucky himself. Red balloon.

[A]

Red balloons.

[B]

By the way. Red balloons. What did they have an abundance of red dye and circle shapes. Because that's a. That has nothing to do with luck or charm.

[A]

None whatsoever.

[B]

Red balloons.

[A]

They ran out of things that. They added rainbows. They added horseshoes.

[B]

Horseshoes is good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sorry. I didn't mean to criticize.

[A]

No, no, no. I'm.

[B]

You and I agree that horseshoes is okay. Well, it's one of the original.

[A]

Horseshoes is okay. Lucky has to do with.

[B]

And you're. But if they were facing down in your spoon. Unlucky charms.

[A]

Unlucky charms. It's true, you know.

[B]

No one's after your unlucky charms.

[A]

Can I just.

[B]

That's a great, like, kind of like witchy T shirt. They're always after me Unlucky charms. Like if you're kind of like a wicked witch.

[A]

I know you were originally an east coast boy, but. But in.

[B]

Is that what we do?

[A]

Sure. But in the tri state area. The New York, New Jersey, Connecticut area in the 90s.

[B]

That's hilarious. I always thought the tri state was Massachusetts. New York.

[A]

It's whatever you call it. It's whatever.

[B]

It's whatever.

[A]

Three states different per region, as I've come to learn. Anyway, there was a woman, Ms. Cleo.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Remember Ms. Cleo. Call me now. And I would always try to do a Ms. Cleo impression, but then it would always morph into call me now for your free reading and don't forget to try me colorful lucky charms. It was always in the same breath.

[B]

Call me now. It's hard. It's hard to know if that's okay. It's hard to know if Miss. I have to call Ms. Cleo to be like, can I do an impression of you? That's why I would call her. Is it okay in 2022 for me to do this?

[A]

I think it is because I don't think that was her natural accent either.

[B]

I am going to throw you a check for $300,000. Because I couldn't agree more. That woman was like, what's my name?

[A]

Yeah, Ms. Cleo, sure.

[B]

How about call me now? She's like, that's ridiculous.

[A]

People love mysticism. I come from somewhere in the Caribbean undetermined.

[B]

A crab whispered your future to me, like, on the beach. Just came up and was like, buy Amazon.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

If a crab whispered that to both of us. Here's a question for you and an answer had $300 million.

[A]

300 million.

[B]

I'm going to give you 300 million when you're 22.

[A]

Oh, what a terrible idea.

[B]

I know. Okay, let's say 32.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Would you be here? I don't mean alive. I mean, would you be doing this podcast? Because I have a. I have a theory that that amount of money could be very much a curse. I know that's not like a hot take.

[A]

No, it absolutely could. And I mean, to that degree, if we're talking. Have you ever watched any of those like, the lottery ruin my life kind of shows?

[B]

Yes, I have.

[A]

So then, yes.

[B]

Some guy with like a $7,000 haircut and he's like, it's great to not worry about groceries. Why this voice? But honestly, I haven't seen my friend Janosz. Janosz.

[A]

So. So I guess I have to ask, in this version of the story, do I have $300 million and I didn't get it by winning the lottery? Gross.

[B]

I just wanted to say gross, not net. I don't even know the difference. I kind of do. You didn't win the lottery.

[A]

Okay. Because then it's a matter of public record. Because then every day of your life, people are asking you for money.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

We're doing a thought experiment. That's. That's one of the lottery ruined my.

[A]

It is. Because in most states, it's a matter of public record. When you win a jackpot, publish whatever your last known address was when you claimed.

[B]

Can I tell you a movie to you every day?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They write to you.

[A]

They write to you and they show up at your home every day.

[B]

You just have a department.

[A]

You pretty much have to.

[B]

You could have like a department.

[A]

So if you win hundreds of millions of dollars in the lottery, like a multi state lottery, before you claim the ticket, you have to set up a trust to make it secret. To make it. Well, you can't make it secret. Secret. But you basically set up a trust with a different address. And so that's the address that goes on file.

[B]

Right. But people are showing up to like a.

[A]

Like a Chick Fil A. Chick Fil A. Yeah.

[B]

And you could, you could by rights ask Chick Fil A for. They're religious, they're. They have a lot of money and they do.

[A]

And I'm sure they would be a tax shelter for someone.

[B]

Yeah. It's like the Chicken Soup for the Soul. There was a. There was one where somebody asked like, American Airlines.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For like a free trip to see their dying mother. But it was like a very expensive flight to like Bali or something. Yeah. And the CEO. This story changed my life. Oh, it really did. I was like 16 reading chicken soup for the Soul on my porch. And the chapter is called thanks for asking. And the CEO of American Airlines said, yes, thanks for asking. Because once you're at that level, sometimes it's hard to get to that person. And that person just like anybody has a need to give for mitzvahs, if you will.

[A]

Okay. What hang. Are you Jewish? Is it that holiday yet?

[B]

Is it Sukkot? It's not Sukkot. I'm telling you. There's a holiday, they're very well made, where they go around and say, are you Jewish? And I asked one of my other Jewish friends and they were like, I thought you were giving me the 90 minute light. I was like, that is the fastest episode of all time. Let's not go back to that. So you would. Here's my movie pitch to you to bring us back to that idea.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You win the lottery.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You have the ticket?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's the opening scene.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

You're eating Jiffy Pop in the. You're in Lucky Charms.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You're sitting in your townhouse. That's a reference to something you said earlier off camera. And you realize you won the lottery and it's the biggest jackpot of all time.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

It's. It's 700 million. Okay. You realize what you, you've seen the lottery, ruin my life documentaries. So you decide to give the ticket to your friend Tim to, to get it on your behalf.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Then of course Tim, you know he's going to double cross you somehow.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

Because trouble. Because no money.

[A]

Who wouldn't.

[B]

700 million. What wouldn't you do for 700 mil? But go on. I'm curious what you think about the 300 million, Sam Levine? Because that's a great first question.

[A]

It is a great first question. I love your question that people have a pat answer.

[B]

Oh, I just mean your follow up question. Like it's not public record. You invested in Uber Amazon.

[A]

Oh, brilliant.

[B]

And you now have 300 million that no one knows.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you would you keep doing Doug Loves Movies, this podcast. Would you still be going out?

[A]

I would like to think that I would. Only because I've always been a man of leisure.

[B]

This is a dose of Keys commercial. I have always been a man of leisure. What do you mean by that? You mean you don't want to take off PJs.

[A]

What it means is some people are they go stir crazy with nothing to do. Some people retire and then they don't know what to do with themselves. Then they come out of retirement.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

And I'm not talking about, you know, a Tom Brady thing. I'm talking about like a 79 year old, an 85 year old who's been working their entire life. I'm going to retire and then they get like a year. And they go, I'm going nuts here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got to find something to do every day. Not me.

[B]

You. That is the movie Office Space. You're Peter, man.

[A]

I. To a degree.

[B]

You would like to do nothing.

[A]

I would. I don't say nothing.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

But I want.

[B]

You're capable.

[A]

I am capable.

[B]

Of unplugging.

[A]

Of doing very little.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In a day.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And being very okay with that.

[B]

Tell me your strategy. I mean it.

[A]

Like in real life or in the fantasy. Why?

[B]

I'll tell you a little bit about my. The way my brain works is I'm a little. It's a running joke on this podcast. If I have add, I don't think I do, but it doesn't matter. I'll just tell you about how my brain works. If I'm doing something like this podcast, I'm doing it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that's one of the reasons I like. You can enjoy a day of nothing. Sure. Because I am now doing nothing. Like, I don't have that restless leg syndrome in my brain. That's like. But I could go to the top of that mountain. I'm just like, Valwell is more activity based. She'll be like, we should go to the top of that mountain. When I get to the top of that mountain. And I love it. I'll love that. What. What do you think is your. Why are you able to. Are you. You could sit on the beach.

[A]

I'm not personally. I'm not really a beach guy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I stay out of the sun. Vampire complex.

[B]

I understand. Yeah. No, I'm afraid for my neck safety. Not my body, just my neck. So what. What is a nothing day for you?

[A]

A nothing day? I. I love baseball.

[B]

B ball.

[A]

Well, if you say B ball, I think most people think basketball.

[B]

No.

[A]

No.

[B]

Remember? Yeah. Okay. No, I think B ball is baseball and boulevards too. I'm making a B ball pasta.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

People know that. That means.

[A]

I had no idea you were so handy in the kitchen. I love baseball. So a day for me where I'm doing very little to nothing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I will watch three baseball games in a day. Be very happy.

[B]

Yeah. What do. Is it an excuse to eat and sip beer or are you just watching baseball?

[A]

I can very happily just watch baseball. I mean, I enjoy booze, but I've never had that thing. I wish I were drinking right now. Drinking would make this so much better.

[B]

You've met my cousin.

[A]

If. If a drink is there, I'll have a drink. But I.

[B]

But you're not Just like baseball isn't the gateway drug to your eating of nachos.

[A]

No, baseball is not my gateway.

[B]

You just like baseball.

[A]

I just love baseball. And so I could watch.

[B]

What do you do during the commercials?

[A]

Pee.

[B]

Urinate.

[A]

Sorry, urinate. Doctor. I. I will. I will relieve my bladder pressure in the bathroom properly.

[B]

I used to think that was very funny when I was a kid that, you know, like in my so Called Life, the first episode, she's like, it's gross that people chew in public.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember that being very authentic. Like, when you're a teenager, you have all these ideas and you think you're the first one to have them.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Mine was. I think it's so weird that people are like, I have to go to the bathroom because it's very personal to be like, what you're really saying is, I feel. I feel pressure building in my vajayjay. Do people still say vajayjay?

[A]

Oprah does.

[B]

Call me now. Can we say call me now. Can we say vajayjay? Oprah says vajayjay.

[A]

Oprah said it once. Remember the soup with Angel? So there was a clip that they would run all the time where she was up in like a harness hanging from something. And literally she said, and I hope I'm remembering the quote right. My vajayjay is painin is pain and pain and.

[B]

Well, you just declared my Netflix password and I wish. I wish you hadn't. I do it into the remote. My vajayjay is paying an apostrophe. It's got to be a.

[A]

There's no.

[B]

It's letters and symbols.

[A]

No G there.

[B]

Let me ask you this. You got a number or a letter password for your phone? It's unlocked.

[A]

It's. No, it's not unlocked. It's numbers.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It took me a second because I. There was a period where it was alphanumeric and then we all had to wear masks. And so then I was entering my password a lot more.

[B]

Yeah. What is the. What's the password?

[A]

It honestly would take me a second. It's one of those things where. When your hand is doing it.

[B]

Yeah, it's muscle memory.

[A]

It's automatic.

[B]

I think muscle memory is the. One of the weirdest things in the world.

[A]

It is crazy. The minute you asked me and I was like, I'd have to write it down somewhere. It would take me 30 full seconds to go, nope, that is it.

[B]

I always.

[A]

We all have different series of numbers that we have to remember for our Various things.

[B]

My alarm system, when it's going off, I often just blank. And then I'm explaining to the police that's not true. They've never come. But I have been like, what is it? I'm entering my ATM, I'm entering my phone, I'm entering just, I'm dialing 911 on the pad. I don't know what to do.

[A]

Call. They always call. Your cell phone rings. Hi, it's, you know, Westgate or whoever, the company.

[B]

And then my security code is a very embarrassing thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I have to say it to these people.

[A]

I think Eugene people had.

[B]

I just thought about this bit.

[A]

It's such a great bit.

[B]

Do you want to do it? I, I, I'll be, I'll be. Mr. Merman, I'm going to ask you your security question. Is that okay?

[A]

Yes, of course.

[B]

Okay. Oh, wait, you asked the question.

[A]

I do ask the question.

[B]

No, I asked the question.

[A]

You asked the question. I have to give you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. What are you, what are you wearing?

[A]

What an inappropriate question.

[B]

Yeah, his security question is they ask, what are you wearing? And he says, what an inappropriate question. And that's, that's when they turn the alarm off.

[A]

Because it was, it was something he had to enter where it was like, they don't have, they didn't have pre selected questions.

[B]

You made your own.

[A]

They allow you to suggest your own question mark.

[B]

Truly special. Are you wearing Truly? I don't think that's appropriate.

[A]

How dare you. What an inappropriate question.

[B]

It's great. It's truly wonderful. Such a good bit, Sammy. Yeah, but what were we just talking about?

[A]

I don't even remember.

[B]

But would you say keep it Steve Jobs story? No, this is over.

[A]

Oh, it's over.

[B]

I'm just kidding. Yeah, I do want to hear.

[A]

I've never met Steve Jobs, sadly. And so.

[B]

Well, then we can add, you never will meet Steve Jobs.

[A]

That is probably correct.

[B]

Backing up that consciousness, Elon Musk with his yellow moons and pink stars.

[A]

They made two movies about Steve Jobs biopics, if you will.

[B]

I'm aware.

[A]

The first one that came out, Ashton Kutch was Ashton Kutch and it was simply called Jobs. The second one was the big one with Fassbender and Seth Rogen.

[B]

Yeah. Which is called Steve Jobs. You're welcome. We cast Michael Fassbender as you big time. Like that whole movie, I'm just like, God damn it, he's so handsome.

[A]

Yeah. That whole time I'm like, was Anthony Edwards unavailable? What are we doing here?

[B]

By the Way the Staircase. How is that not the guy? The mean doctor from scrubs.

[A]

John C. McGinley.

[B]

John C. McGinley was born to play Michael Peterson. And they're like, nah, give it to the guy from Love, actually, who's great, but doesn't look like him. Doesn't have the same sort of reptilian coldness.

[A]

That's true, but I don't think. I think Jobs was more publicly well known what his face looked like. I think the staircase. Most people have no idea.

[B]

But then when you image. If you image. If you do it, if you googam, you watch it and you're like, that's not Colin Firth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For what it's worth. That is not it. Yeah, Nothing. For what it's worth. Oh, there he is. What a joyful laugh.

[A]

I enjoyed it on the. I'm kind of half heard it the first time. And then the second time it was you going, come on, you got to give me something.

[B]

My whole career is, hey, I'm the same way.

[A]

I. There is Ricky J. The late, great Ricky J. Yeah.

[B]

I love Ricky J. Came up he two episodes ago.

[A]

Oh, brilliant. Well, here he comes up again. No, there was. We'll cut it all out. Great. There was his closing bit where he would throw playing cards into a watermelon.

[B]

Second. And that was referenced in a week.

[A]

But it was his closer for. For his whole life for the last 30 years.

[B]

Gallagher was like, if you like that.

[A]

And he would throw it. Would throw it into the watermelon, into the fleshy part, the. The inside part. It would cut the watermelon in half. So it was the easy one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he would throw a playing card directly into the same place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And his line for that every time he did it was, it should be noted that the last playing card I have thrown went into the exact same spot as the card before it. A feat so impressive I am forced to mention it myself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, oh, that's a great way of putting. Hey, I just did something brilliant. I hate that I have to be the one to point out how brilliant is, but I'm not going to be okay with going on without it.

[B]

Is there a better definition for magic? All of magic?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never did it on stage, but I always wanted to do a bit that being very rich is like being a magician, because I pour you wine and I go like, this wine actually belonged to St. Francis of Assisi. It's been aged for 3,000. Like, you have to explain why it matters. And when a magician has to be like. And you'll notice I set your watch to 12 noon and I. Was I ever near you?

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? It's the same sort of. What a drag. And that's what I feel like. David Blaine was like. If you have to explain it, that's why he started regurgitating frogs and stuff. Because he was like, if you have to be like. And that. I do. I've done magic. You have to be like. And I never went over there. Like, you have to walk them towards the amazement. That's not great.

[A]

I agree with you. You need to. I would think if you're. If you find that you're constantly explaining the impressive thing you just did as a magician, you need to work on your act.

[B]

Or I would just revamp all of magic, because that's what we've learned.

[A]

You want to do a rebranding?

[B]

A rebranding. I'm not saying Ricky J. Was wrong to call it out and that's a brilliant way to do it, but, like, I don't know. Do we care? I mean, that's the question is, do we care that the card hit.

[A]

I saw his stage show twice, and I. Every time he said that line, it always gets a huge laugh. He did that on Conan and did it and did the line. And it too, there. Got a huge life. It's. It's a good laugh line.

[B]

I. We were also talking about in and of itself, which. Did you see that?

[A]

Not. Yeah.

[B]

Derek Delgado. But he does incredible card. I mean, like, really incredible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's not exactly this, but he shuffles a deck and then he makes it all red, all black. Like, perfect sequential order. Like by shuffling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And sometimes things are so amazing, you actually don't understand them. And you do need someone. So I'm going back. I'm now arguing the other side that people are too stupid to know what's amazing.

[A]

That's not hard a trick to do.

[B]

Sammy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who are you talking to?

[A]

I'm talking to you. You could do that trick. I could teach you to do that trick in about 90 minutes.

[B]

Sammy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're gonna. I'm gonna talk to Sam in Italian.

[A]

He's a godfather.

[B]

And speak to Sammy. I'm Italian right now. We're going to talk magic right now. I don't mean. I mean like a random. Like we're going to shuffle a random card. Like, I'm going to take a deck of cards out. I'm going to demonstrate that they're randomized.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Then I'm going to shuffle them blind.

[A]

Well, you're not going to shuffle them blind.

[B]

Well, I mean, I'm not looking.

[A]

It's going to look.

[B]

I'm not looking.

[A]

It's going to look like you're just mashing them up. You're throwing some this way. You're going to throw some this way.

[B]

I'm talking riffle. Shuffle.

[A]

Riffles.

[B]

Riffles.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sammy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Neither of us are able to do that trick.

[A]

I disagree. I. I mean, I just.

[B]

Because it's not a trick.

[A]

Mechanics. Yeah. So I haven't seen the trick. He may be doing a different version of this, but what you're describing a broadly is.

[B]

I know that trick.

[A]

You know that trick.

[B]

It's not that.

[A]

Oh, it's not. Well, I could teach you to do the one I'm talking about.

[B]

I've done it.

[A]

Okay. See? You see? Where's my camera? Yes. See?

[B]

Those aren't running. Jk. Second time Feds come up this week, too.

[A]

Oh, I say it all the time.

[B]

It's a great one. I say, papa, do you do Papa? No, I. I thought that was perhaps Yiddish. It's when you. If someone says, like, if Sammy's foot falls off and you go, it's your way of saying, like, oh, God forbid, don't. Yeah, God forbid. Are also like, I'm not asking.

[A]

Don't even put it out there.

[B]

Yeah, let's stop it from going out there.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. Hey, guys. It's time to bring that summer heat into the bedroom. That's right, this episode. This episode is sponsored by BlueChew. Guys. Confidence can take you far in life. It can also help in the bedroom, especially when it comes time to step up to the plate talking about doing it. And that's where bluechew comes in. Bluechew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in chewable tablets at a fraction of the cost. You can take them anytime, day or night. So you can plan ahead or be ready whenever the opportunity arises. The process is simple. Sign [e-mail], consult with their online medical licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Bluetooth tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door in a discreet package with bluechew men everywhere excited to see the postman. Because when Your package has arrived. God. Your package has arrived. Do you get it? Your package. Come on, everybody. They always say the first impression is important, but what about lasting impressions? It's time to get off the couch and get back to work. If your tool needs an Upgrade, head to bluechew.com Women say there's nothing sexier than confidence. And Bluechew can help you give you confidence where it counts. So if you could benefit from the extra confidence, when it's time to perform, bluechew can help. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try bluechew free. When you use promo code Weird at checkout, just pay $5 shipping. That's bluechew.com promo code weird. To receive your first month free, visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring this podcast. Enjoy the rest of the show. Boom. So, Steve Jobs.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

Mike Michael Fassbender. Too good looking for Steve Jobs.

[A]

Way too good looking.

[B]

Too good looking for a man.

[A]

Ashton Kutcher. Also too good looking for Steve Jobs.

[B]

Agree. But that movie was so bad, he actually became less handsome. I'm not even kidding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you're like the. In the dumb Steve Jobs movie. Yeah, go. Am I moist? They kind of. They kind of evaporate, and then Fassbender comes out and is like, oh, wow, that's.

[A]

I never thought in the world someone would add sound effects to a drying vagina.

[B]

A dehumidifying.

[A]

A dehumidified.

[B]

That vagina. Ashton Kutcher in Jobs was a dehumidifier for the ladies. We can just say vaginas. Yeah. These are technical terms. Call me now. We don't. We don't know.

[A]

We started off with holocaust and mocking Ms. Cleo. We could do anything, Sam.

[B]

We're floating in space, man.

[A]

I was so excited to come here today because I was like, I know what. What conversations I tend to get into when I do podcasts, but I have no idea where this is going to go today. And I'm really excited about it so far. I'm not disappointed.

[B]

Anyway, I can't wait to get started.

[A]

I am in the bad Steve Jobs movie.

[B]

You what?

[A]

I am in the bad Steve Jobs movie. That's why I tell this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, it's fine.

[A]

I've been shitting on it. It's fine. Here's the reason I tell the story. When we talk about.

[B]

Did you do one with Ashy?

[A]

Yeah, I'm in that movie.

[B]

You did you do a Scene with him. I did with Ashy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So you can say he was probably humidifying.

[A]

I mean, on the day.

[B]

Yeah, on the day.

[A]

Here is what I will say. He walked around with the glasses.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And stayed, for better or worse, in character while we were not rolling. It was. It was important to him to. To. To stay in that space as long as possible for the best performance.

[B]

Yes. Job space.

[A]

That being said, I originally auditioned for that movie for a different role. I don't remember which one.

[B]

And be a good wise. I don't think they're making fun of you. I don't think they read you'd be a great Wozniak.

[A]

I will say this for as impressive as the Fassbender Jobs movie was the cast on the Kutchy one. It's pretty good. Nothing to shake a stick at.

[B]

I tried to watch it and it did his LSD trip where he's conducting the grains of. Like, he's in a field and he's conducting it. And I was just like, I don't know why it's doing that sequence wrong. It felt wrong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have another thing to say, but keep going.

[A]

Okay. So I did the audition and I remember even at my audition realizing I'm so wrong for the role they're asking me to read for. And then they had. At the. This is back in the days when you'd audition in person, they had all the sides for all the other characters laid out on the table. Sometimes casting offices will have that because they have multiple actors coming in to read for multiple roles and people forget their sides sometimes. And so I'm looking around and I see a smaller part, but the description is right there. I'm like, oh, this is a part I could do.

[B]

Yeah. What did it say?

[A]

I don't remember.

[B]

Sam Levine type.

[A]

A Sam Levine type. Short, Jewish. We're not sure if he's Jewish. Hopefully someone will ask him.

[B]

And so PI. Possibly Italian.

[A]

Possibly Italian.

[B]

Possibly. Yeah.

[A]

And so I don't remember. Anyway, I went in and I actually walked into the audition and everyone was in the room. And I was like, okay, here's the part you asked me to read for. I don't want to waste anyone's time. Here's the part I just saw in the waiting room. Can I read this instead? It's a smaller role. Don't tell my agents. They'll be angry with me. Are you guys okay with that? And they were like, yeah, so that's what I read for instead. And then I didn't hear anything for, like, A month. And I thought, oh, well, whatever. I tried. And then they called and offered me a third role, a completely different role. Not one of the ones that I want I read, was supposed to read for the one I actually did read for, and it was Apple Designer number two. And I was like, all right, AD two. No, number two.

[B]

AD Number two.

[A]

AD Number two. And sounds like a. You know, it's not great necessarily to play a character that doesn't have a name, but in this particular instance, they sent over the script and he actually had not a small amount of dialogue in scene. He's in like two scenes, and then the second scene he's got quite. Quite a bit. And. And I thought, oh, well, that's very exciting. And so I said, yeah, sure, I'd be happy to do it. And so I got hired to work for two days, and we shot it up somewhere in the North Valley. And I get to set and we shoot it out of order. So we shoot my second scene first, where I'm really just in the background. And then I think we had the weekend that was like Friday, and then I came back in on Monday, and we're going to shoot the bulk of it. The thing where I have a whole lot of back and forth with Jobs, and we get called to set and we're doing a little rehearsal of the scene, and there's a little bit of stuff before Jobs walks into the room. A little bit of business. And I'm not. And then I'm not. I don't have much business. I have business when he walks in. And so there's some business. And then he walks in and, you know, we're just doing a rehearsal for the director and, you know, camera department. And then I'm waiting for the part where he's supposed to address me, and I'm waiting, and then all of a sudden he jobsy turns and does a different portion of the scene. Like the end of the scene, and he just moves over there. And then the director and the camera person are just following. And I'm like, ah. And I don't say anything.

[B]

You mean he went completely out of order?

[A]

Completely out of order. Like, skipped a whole page. The page. Your page where I have lines and stuff.

[B]

He cut Levine.

[A]

And I was like, oh, surely this must be mistake. Surely the director or the script supervisor who is reading and realizing that we've skipped a page of dialogue, surely one of them will say something. And so the scene ends and the director's like, okay, cut. That was great. And then he goes over to talk. And then I walk over to the script supervisor. I'm like, did we just. And she's like, yeah, just give me a second, I'll figure this out. And I was like, okay. And I'm standing there and I see Jobsy and the director. They're talking. They're talking and she's watching and listening. And she looks over at me and she just goes. And I'm realizing that just apropos of nothing, either he or the director or whomever, they just decided, as this bit is, it's. We don't need. Takes the scene somewhere else and we don't need it.

[B]

So we'll just cut on the fly.

[A]

They cut it on the fly. So I wound up having a one line apple.

[B]

Super. You had less lines than your character's name.

[A]

Truly. And I was like, all right, look, I'm a big boy. I've been cut out of plenty of things.

[B]

Yeah, I've been cut out of better joints than this.

[A]

I've been cut out of so many things. I was like, look, that's fine. It didn't. It honestly doesn't matter whether they cut it now or they get to the edit and they cut it there. Frankly, less work for me to do, so I don't care. However, fewer work for me to do. Thank you. I don't care. I do. However, I hadn't yet signed my contract. It was still sitting in my. My little trailer. I hadn't signed it on Friday. And so I call my manager. I explained the situation. I was like, look, it's fine, whatever. It's not a huge deal, but I think I should probably go uncredited in this movie, what with my one line of dialogue.

[B]

My name off.

[A]

Leave my name off. Just because I'd rather it be a. That way I can. It. It's. It's the kind of thing where someone will see me in the movie, they'll look for my name in the credits. It won't be there. They'll second guess themselves. They'll have to look it up. It'll be one of those weird things that, like, it makes it a little more special for me.

[B]

Lore. Sure you want to be lore?

[A]

I would love to be a little lore. I'm unbilled and lost.

[B]

Ooh, cashier in the final season.

[A]

You have looked on the Internet. Yeah.

[B]

So it's conspicuous on your Wikipedia page. It says like, sam was friends with one of the creators of Lost, Damon Lindblock, who edit that out, who kept saying, I'll write something for you on the show.

[A]

You're. Now you're quoting directly from Wikipedia.

[B]

Well, citation no longer needed. It's confirmed.

[A]

I just said you're quoting from Wikipedia. I confirmed nothing.

[B]

No, you've confirmed it by not denying.

[A]

I've seen it.

[B]

It's an old, old Chinese proverb. A riffing man is understood to. Yes.

[A]

Anyway, so I was like, hey, listen, I haven't signed this yet. Have them print up a new one. Everything's the same, except I want no credit in the end credit crawl. And he was like, ah, sure. So he calls and they were like, oh, you sure? You sure? Yeah, I'm sure. It's fine. I have to go back and shoot.

[B]

Are you sure this wasn't you being a little bit of a stinker in a good way? Because they kind of like pooped on your. On your sandwich and you were like, you can poop on my sandwich, but you're not gonna make me thank you for that.

[A]

I was definitely not thrilled on the day. I remember that.

[B]

No, I've been in your situation where someone jumps your part.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's not, you know, like I.

[A]

Said, I've been cut out of things. So I'm always prepared for any work I do on the day to be seen by no one.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But that was the first time I think it had happened where I was standing there watching it unfold in real time. We're not even going to cut, like a play film to shoot the.

[B]

This. Yeah, yeah. That wasn't shot on iPhones.

[A]

And so I was like, it's fine, like, whatever, but just don't be in it.

[B]

You didn't think about.

[A]

It'll be fun for me. I'll keep this job still.

[B]

I actually really like that. I think that's a nice way to alchemize the. And you're like, I'm gonna turn this into lore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a story.

[A]

And so that's what I would. I asked for you also.

[B]

You can. As a.

[A]

So that's.

[B]

And then these are so hard to do in real life, but when they happen, very natural.

[A]

I forgot about it. I forgot. So I finished shooting the day, and then my contract's in. I finished shooting. I forget about it. I move on with my life. The movie comes out. I did not see it in theaters and several years go by and I am on an airplane and it's like 2016 or something, maybe degrees on the airplane. And I. It was one of the flights where it gives you cable or whatever.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And the movie was playing on my screen without me having touched Anything? Oh, like, I sat down in a seat on a plane.

[B]

You were on Ashton Kutcher Airlines.

[A]

Airlines. And that was just the movie playing.

[B]

On the Channel 70 show. That's all you get.

[A]

I was kind of half awake, half asleep when it started. And I'm watching the movie, and my hand to God, this is the only time this has ever happened in my life. I forgot I was in that movie.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And at one point, he rounds the corner and walks into this room. And then there's a shot of the room, and I go, that's right.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like, I blocked it all out.

[B]

You cut yourself out.

[A]

I cut myself out in your memory.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I was like, oh, right. And he was, what's going on here? Or why are you here? And I have my one line in the movie. It's 11am on a Wednesday or whatever it is. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, I had a moment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In my seat on this plane.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I was like, I am not prolific. I'm not successful by, like, I'm not some actor who's.

[B]

By my mother's day.

[A]

I'm not some actor who's been in, like, I'm not Sam Jackson.

[B]

Like, I'm Sam Levine.

[A]

250 movies. And it's like, oh, yeah, I forgot I was in that. No. Like, this was the weirdest sensation that had ever happened to me.

[B]

Can I. You're gonna like this.

[A]

Well, I have to put the button on it.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Meundies.com. i'm just kidding. Go on, Go on. That was a joke.

[A]

That's the place to put it, by the way. So I watched the rest of the movie. I'm like, oh, my God, that's amazing. And then it all. It all comes back to me. What happened? The. The thing. And I want to be on Build. And then I'm watching On this little DirecTV screen, the tiny little credits, and I'm like, oh, and I forgot he was in there. Oh, and I forgot he was in that. The Build me. Apple designer number two, Sam Levine. They ignored my contract.

[B]

But you said. I said, just like Apple, you've probably signed a contract. But there was all this stuff about itunes and privacy in there.

[A]

Third party apps.

[B]

Ask app not to track. Ask film not to credit.

[A]

Ask film. And there's. And I remember, like, I was. I was pissed. And I called out. I was like, could we do something about that? He's like, the film's fortune years old. I don't know what you want from me.

[B]

That's hilarious that you tried.

[A]

I. Well, I wasn't.

[B]

That's like, that's your Pam and Tommy sex tape. Like, we need to get it out. They're like, it's already on the Internet.

[A]

I was like, isn't that, you know, violation of an agreed upon contract? And he's like, well, here's the problem. There's always a clause in there about crediting in every contract where it's like, failure to do the thing that we're agreeing upon here on the. On the producer side is not to be viewed as intentional.

[B]

I see. So any similarity to people being credited in this movie is entirely.

[A]

So if they misspell your name in the credits.

[B]

3M.

[A]

There you go. That. That. I love that. That's the mistake. Not 1m, but 3m.

[B]

3M, which we know it's not.

[A]

What? Then a whole corporation gets involved.

[B]

The 3M Corp gets involved, and they've.

[A]

Got money because of post. Post its.

[B]

Who?

[A]

3M.

[B]

You are fun. And Lisa Kudrow, who pretended to invent post its in the movie Romeo and.

[A]

Michelle's High School Reunion, which came out. Volcano. They were in theaters the same time. I saw them both in the same day. Volcano with Tommy Lee Jones and Ann Heche.

[B]

We gotta. We gotta get this volcano out of here. I tried to think of Tommy Lee Jones. We gotta. We gotta get this volcano out of here. There's a volcano and it's about to blow.

[A]

What. What's the cheek thing?

[B]

I don't know. It kind of feels like a. Kind of like a.

[A]

You think he had big cheeks in that one?

[B]

No, he's just sort of droopier.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There's evil out here. I can't even. I can't even imagine. You ever watch a movie with Tommy Lee Jones and it's like 20 years old, and he looks really old then, and you're like 20 years old. Yeah, yeah, he was old 20 years ago.

[A]

Can I tell you a great time?

[B]

E. Lee Jones movie Starting to look like the Other Face.

[A]

You've never heard of this movie? It's called Rolling Thunder.

[B]

I have heard.

[A]

Okay. It's him and William Devane, and It's from the 70s.

[B]

William.

[A]

Total grindhouse movie.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's super cool and it's badass, and it's one of the youngest Tommy Lee Jones I've ever seen. And he's intense in this movie.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I also need it.

[A]

Check it out. Rolling Thunder.

[B]

Here's the story that I think you're gonna love. And I loved your Story. And I'm here for you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I did try to cut it off. Manny's next. Come on, somebody. I have this on good authority. But I don't want to say who told me the story because I don't want to out them. That one time John Malkovich was trying to remember all the movies he was in. He went like. I was trying to remember all the movies that I've been. That I have been in. I can't do it today. And he goes. And I couldn't remember them. Even the weird one with my name in the title. You mean Being John Malkovich? It's mostly your name. Couldn't remember the word Being John Malkovich. The weird one with my name in the title. Couldn't remember it.

[A]

Maybe he's talking about that jewel thief movie. Very good. Thank you.

[B]

Very good. Being John Malkovich is very sad. There's a lot of movies that I. I can't watch. There's something sad. I don't like John Cusack and his bad relationship and the woman with the monkey in their little apartment. And then he's in love with Kathryn Keener and she's so mean to him. Something about. And he. And he's. And he's struggling on the street and he's not understood. It's just too. It's hard. It breaks my heart. I'm just like. I just want to get that guy Craig a new life.

[A]

Lottie and Maxine. It takes. Sometimes I have to do that in my head.

[B]

The characters.

[A]

Character names.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's.

[B]

What's the monkey's name?

[A]

Elijah.

[B]

Sorry. Are we winning a trivia night right now?

[A]

You asked.

[B]

That was very good. What's going on with that kind of noodle?

[A]

That's how my brain works. I remember everything in the movies and some. Most of the TV. Some of the TVs.

[B]

What is going on there? I have, like. In freaky. Geeky. I always think of Martin Starr eating the. And laughing at the. And was that you? Like. Why the emotional.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Bond to movies.

[A]

Okay, here we go. It's a couple of reasons.

[B]

Watch this.

[A]

What a power move. It's a couple reasons. You're so loud. My mic will pick you up. It's a couple reasons. And the first one is the great reason. The second one's the bummer reason. And then the third one's the great reason. The first reason is.

[B]

It's like an Oreo with shit in the middle.

[A]

Don't eat that shit.

[B]

Just twist those off.

[A]

Twist.

[B]

Wash it.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

Just throw the whole cookie Out.

[A]

You're better off. So you know what? Skip the story. So the first reason is my parents. Both are huge film people.

[B]

Cinephiles.

[A]

Cinephiles. I was raised in a house where I was. Yeah. In a sin house. I was raised in a house of sin where I was allowed to have a television with full cable TV access. I mean, every channel under the sun. When I was 11 years old in my bedroom.

[B]

You ever just get up to pee at like 11:30 and just throw on Cinemax to see what's happening?

[A]

Do you mean when I got up to be at 11:30 and Cinemax had been on all night already? Do you think at 11:30 I was like, maybe now's the time to turn it off? No.

[B]

Do you remember when it would tell you the letters and it would be like, nudity and sexual?

[A]

I mean, that came later, but yes.

[B]

Oh, later.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was not.

[A]

I couldn't tell you when they started with the. With the TV ratings, like, but that.

[B]

Became, like, why you would watch a movie you had never heard of.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It took the guesswork out of wtbab.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Will there be a booby?

[A]

You know, it wouldn't say booby. It would just say, this film contains nudity. But it was the 90s, so it was definitely a booby. Unless it was a piano.

[B]

Hurting.

[A]

What?

[B]

My vajayjj. Hurting.

[A]

My vajayjay is paynan painan.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Hurting is my Hulu password.

[A]

Sorry. Okay, so my parents loved movies. They had an enormous collection. My late grandfather, my mother's father, he too had an enormous collection of VHS tapes and LaserDisc. And I was brought up with a love of cinema.

[B]

Wow. And for the kids, a LaserDisc is a DVD you could cook a pizza on.

[A]

It was the size of one. It was the size of, like, a pizza. A personal pizza. You get, like, the frozen pizza. Pizzas.

[B]

It's actually kind of a pizza you would get at a movie theater. Oh, very fitting.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That. Maybe that's what they base the size of those movie theater pizzas.

[B]

Somebody's like, where should we print these things? I'll have a pizza.

[A]

We got. We got a lot of laser discs nobody wants. We could use those to keep the pies warm.

[B]

That's what they're doing now.

[A]

That's what they sure are.

[B]

You know how some people would hang a CD from their review? I did that with a laser dust. I got in. So many accidents.

[A]

Accomplish your. Sir, you know, you can't have the. Oh, my God. 1984's Dune.

[B]

No, it's Copland.

[A]

We gotta watch it.

[B]

1984 is Dune.

[A]

I don't think the Chalamet list.

[B]

Dune.

[A]

Give me Dune. No Chalamet. Anyway, so that's reason number one.

[B]

So you. Yeah. Watching a lot cinema in your cinephile.

[A]

Cinemax, Mother's Returner. Classic movies. All the movies. My folks said movies are important here. Watch these movies. We love these movies.

[B]

Before you get to the sad reason, what was. Do you remember the one movie that you were not your favorite movie but the first movie you watched and you were like, oh, movies can Transport me somewhere.

[A]

100%.

[B]

100. 1,100.

[A]

I can tell you the movie.

[B]

101% Dalmatian.

[A]

It's. It's not just that it is my favorite movie, but for that very reason. What is A Clockwork Orange? That was the movie that I saw in my bedroom with this goofy fucking TV that I had no business having at. It started at like, one in the morning on a school night.

[B]

Twbab. There will be a boob.

[A]

There will be lots of boobies. Yeah. There's lots of dongs.

[B]

But also in a way that is like, upsetting.

[A]

Oh, very upset.

[B]

You're not ready for upsetting sexuality when you don't even have regular sexuality.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

You know what I mean? I'm barely ready for that movie now.

[A]

Yeah. No, I was like 11, maybe 12.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's when you want to see.

[A]

It's the wrong age to camera right in there. It was the wrong age, but in a good way. It turned out to be the right age because it changed the way I saw movies. I mean, I'd seen. I'd seen movies with some kind of heavy stuff in it. I'd never seen a movie like that. I did not think a story like that could be told in a film.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And let alone a film that at that point was 20, you know, 5 years old. No, you're old. Younger than that.

[B]

I haven't seen it in a very long time. I don't think I've seen that movie since I would be capable of understanding it. Does it. This is a silly question. Does it hold up? Is it still a masterpiece?

[A]

I believe it is, yeah. Yeah. No, I think it is kind of about mind control. It's about a lot of things. It's. I mean, it's based on a book which I then read by Anthony Burgess. But it's a really hard book to read because it's written in Newspeak, which is how the. The Droogs speak to each other. How? Alice.

[B]

In the future.

[A]

In the future? Yes.

[B]

Do they speak in Newspeak? In the movie they do. All I remember is ultra violence.

[A]

Ultra violence. Vidi. Well, little brother, you know.

[B]

Okay. So the whole book, even the narrator.

[A]

Clean tash took the red, red groovy. Soon stopped. Yeah. These are all. Wow.

[B]

If I'm a producer, I have one note.

[A]

And it is fucking.

[B]

Cut it out.

[A]

Yeah. But it's in Newspeak.

[B]

Wow. And the narrator in the book is also like. Sit down, brav. Gonna. That's not even it. But tell me. Wait, wait, wait. Let me start over. Call me now.

[A]

That was in the book? Yeah.

[B]

Even the narrator is speaking in.

[A]

Yes. Alex, the narrator.

[B]

Oh, it's in his head.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How troubling. Well, you don't want to be in that head.

[A]

You don't.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Alexander Delarge.

[B]

So tell me. Tell me a little bit what it's about. Just because I want to.

[A]

I want Clockwork Orange.

[B]

Yeah. You're saying it was about a lot of things.

[A]

It's about a lot of things. But it holds up. It's about the decay of society and the overreach of government to meddle with things.

[B]

Right. And also like, I. I'm sorry, this is stupid to burden you with telling me what Clockwork Orange is about.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But it seems to be like all the holding his eyes open and stuff like brainwashing. Like, it seems a little predictive. I think it's interesting how our phones now tell us what reality is. Social media tells us what reality is and how susceptible human beings are to images. You know what I mean? Like, seeing used to be believing, but now seeing isn't believing anymore.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But like you can make people believe a lot of things by showing them echo chambers. Is it kind of predicting some of that?

[A]

A little bit, to a degree. I mean the, the, the. The thing about. At least the movie, when I think about it, there were some things that it was definitely prescient about.

[B]

And then.

[A]

And then. Yeah, it's a good word. And then there were others that you don't care for me saying. It's not like I invented the word.

[B]

No, I. I do like it.

[A]

I did not.

[B]

100 kidding. And it was. It missed the mark in other ways.

[A]

Yeah. I mean any movie where you're dealing with futuristic stuff, you're gonna be wrong things.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But yeah. No, it's. And I haven't watched rewatched it in years, but it lives rent free in my head. Even if I just Seen it the one time when I was 12. I think I was 12. It would live in my.

[B]

Burned into you.

[A]

It was.

[B]

You were clean, white piece of paper to a degree. And then this movie comes in. Was that troubling for you?

[A]

Oddly, not really. But I think only because Even at that 12, I'd already seen enough movies with hard things to watch in them that my parents knew about and had prepped me for. So when I saw something I wasn't prepped for on my own, I was like, oh, no. I mean, this is troubling. Like, there is. There is a rape in that movie. There's more than one. And it's. That is a tough thing to watch.

[B]

Yes. That's all I remember.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I saw it probably when I was, like, 14 or so.

[A]

Yeah. And so, you know, I definitely was very uncomfortable and felt bothered by that, but not in a way where I was like, oh, I gotta turn this off. I was more like, he's a monster. Let's see what happens to him. Does he get his comeuppance? Does he reform? What happens to this character? And I couldn't stop watching it.

[B]

Right. It was an ugly story. But you were invested in the story.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. And that was the first movie where you're like, oh, my God. This movie completely changed.

[A]

It changed the way I thought about movies and storytelling. And after that, the floodgates opened and I wanted to see everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I just tell you? Just because I'm embarrassed that mine was Goodwill hunting. Okay.

[A]

What's embarrassing?

[B]

We're having fun.

[A]

No, no, no. And you don't have to be embarrassed. And here's why.

[B]

Why tell me. I'm not super embarrassed. But yours is, like, cool. It's like an art house film. I know. That won an Academy Award, Best Screenplay.

[A]

And.

[B]

And Best Supporting Actor.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

1996. 7.

[A]

7.

[B]

So I'm a senior in high school.

[A]

Okay. What is this?

[B]

This noise sucks.

[A]

It's a weird noise. I'm glad we have cameras here. People would not.

[B]

I hate what I'm doing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's this weird sort of.

[A]

That you're celebrating.

[B]

I hate it. This is it. This is the last time I do that noise.

[A]

Great.

[B]

But I'm only saying this to see what it makes you think of. My friend John Fonzarelli and I. We call them Fonz. Fonzarelli would go. We went and saw it in Woburn. And after it ends, you know, it ends with Will Hunting, which is stupid that his name is Will Hunting.

[A]

It's a dumb name.

[B]

It's really stupid. Even Matty D has to be. Like, if I could change anything, I'd change that fucking name. We just went for a drive and I really vividly remember the street light, the street lamps going by, because I was in a different place. Like you kind of forget or sometimes. Sometimes when I'm pitching a movie, I'll remind people. Like, do you remember what it was like being 16, 17, and you watched a movie and it actually snapped you into reality? It wasn't just an escape. It was. But when it was over, you were more in your body and more in this time in this place than you were before. You watched it like it reminded you of the potential of the magic of life.

[A]

Absolutely right. Absolutely.

[B]

But not enough people are talking about this. That's what we mean when we mean the magic of the movies.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It's not the Red Vines.

[A]

No, it's the movie. It's the story. It's the. It's the leaving your reality to be completely engrossed in this fictional or possibly non fictional story you're watching. And it's the only thing you're concerned with. And then the credits roll and it's a crude snapping back into reality. But your brain wanted to keep that world going. That's why.

[B]

Credits. We watched a movie last night and as soon as the credits started in the corner, it was called. Like, it started. And the bar was going real fast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know what app we were watching it on, but it started going like 10 seconds to like 30 blinks a minute or something. Some dumb thing had nothing to do with what we were watching. And we were like. We were mad. We're like, fuck you. We just watched a movie. Give us five seconds to listen. It's perfect that it's black, that it's just subtle text. You need that time. That dead poet society is another one. You're devastated.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You don't want a little icon in the corner being like the 30 seconds to two. Fresh for this island. Get the fuck out of here. When did it become. You know, I blame content consuming coma. Like a food coma. Basic cable, bc.

[A]

Yeah. Because they were the first ones that would. They'd show a movie with commercials and then instead of showing the credits as the movie was intended, that would go into a small box.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At lightning speed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then another box would come on. Coming up next, stick around for another episode of the Honeymooners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. And you're helping me see.

[A]

And before that, you could watch this. That's what was great about premium cable. Hbo, Cinemax. They would show the movie, start to finish with as intended, with credits, of course. So, anyway, what I was saying is don't ever be embarrassed about saying you like the movie, or this is the movie I saw that made me think X, Y and Z. Because you're talking about your favorites. And when you're talking about favorites, anything goes.

[B]

No one can touch your favorite.

[A]

No one can touch your favorites. If you say, oh, the movie I saw that made me change everything was Air Bud 2. And you're like, Receiver. Yeah, I think that's the first one. Is an airbud. Golden Receiver.

[B]

The first, I believe Air Bud. Oh, my God.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

I'd have to. Air Bud 3, I think, is when he swaps to basketball.

[A]

Anyway, I. Don't make me go down that rabbit hole. My point is, if everybody. If you're. And I are sitting here and you were like, can I tell you the movie for me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, yeah. And you said, Airbud 2. I'd go, tell me about it.

[B]

It's like a religion or something.

[A]

Because that's your favorite movie. Now, if I said to you, pete, what's the best movie?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a correct answer to that, and it's the Godfather. But I didn't. That's not what we were talking. That's not what we were talking.

[B]

I already referenced your favorite movie.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Or the best.

[A]

It's the best movie.

[B]

You think it's the best movie?

[A]

I think it's the best movie. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. And with all due respect to Citizen Kane and Casablanca, they don't hold a candle. The Godfather.

[B]

Yeah. I've seen. I've seen all three of these movies. Well, you're gonna hate this. I've. I've never watched the Godfather start to finish. You're gonna hate this. I knew. I knew you're gonna hate this. I knew you're gonna hate this. Here's our clickbait. No, Gallagher. Gallagher, no, come back. Okay, here he is.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I'll tell you. When I met Valerie, the night we met, I told her we both said to each other we had never seen the Godfather start to finish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we vowed on the night we met that we would never see the Godfather.

[A]

What a shitty vow. Why would you do that to yourself?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It's so good, Pete.

[B]

It's not like, have you seen it?

[A]

Why are you quoting it to me if you've never seen it?

[B]

Because it's such a part of culture that you don't even have to have seen it. I go to the bathroom. Sopranos finale. I'm gonna speak to Michael in Italian, make an offer he can't refuse on the day of my daughter's wedding. This guy's a real Vito Corleone.

[A]

You're like, a guy who, like, goes to work and, like, overhears two co workers talking about, like, a sporting event or something that he definitely didn't watch. And then he goes out to drinks with his buddy and he pretends that he watched it. And he pretends that he watched it.

[B]

Sam.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna carve you a golden. No, A People's Choice Award out of Soap. Because that's so right. I think the best movie is There Will Be Blood. Deal with.

[A]

Deal with that, if that's what you think is the best movie.

[B]

But I just wanted.

[A]

I'd be happy to have that conversation.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

No, I. I think.

[B]

What's your favorite?

[A]

My favorite movie?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Clockwork Orange. Really? We already talked about this.

[B]

No, I know, but who. But I said what was the first movie that opened you to the potential.

[A]

Also happens to be my favorite movie for that reason.

[B]

Listening to that part. I'm just kidding. I was. I forgot, and I'm embarrassed.

[A]

That's okay. It's not like the Oxford Cambridge thing. That was embarrassing.

[B]

Oxford Cambridge?

[A]

You thought that. You didn't know they were two different cities.

[B]

Was that on another episode?

[A]

It was. I listen to your show, Pete. I'm embarrassed for you, so I hope so.

[B]

If you're really pulling the curtain back on the ABCs of you, you should. There should be some embarrassing things in there.

[A]

That is not true.

[B]

That's so fun.

[A]

I love how you are in your podcast because you have been on a million. I have been on a million, and they're mostly horseshit. And this is such a real podcast. Okay, you're not sitting here with notes.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

You know, you Googled and whatever stock stuck, and it seems like it's very little, but that's good. That's a good.

[B]

I knew it was Everybody Loves Hugo, the Lost episode. Look, your Wikipedia page is thin.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's. It's thin.

[A]

I haven't looked at it in a while.

[B]

No, I'm not saying bad. Thin. Yeah, let's add to it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Let's add this. This is the header.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Supernatural occurrences.

[A]

I knew you asked me about this, and I'm. I'm a bummer.

[B]

No, you're not a bummer.

[A]

Here's the thing. If you believe in ghosts and you want to see a ghost.

[B]

You want to see a ghost?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If you believe in aliens and you want to see a ufo, I have no doubt in my mind you are going to see a ufo.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Have I seen a ufo? Sure have. I've been in plenty of airplanes. I've looked out the window and seen stuff in the far, far distance that I went, what in the fuck is that? That doesn't look like an airplane. That doesn't look like a balloon or a blimp. What the fuck could that thing be?

[B]

And then you go back and go.

[A]

I'm never gonna know and I will move on with my life. I'm pretty certain whatever it is is either too far for me to tell, but probably man made. And that's how I'm gonna go on with my day.

[B]

But you know that it's like confirmed that they're out there, right?

[A]

It's not confirmed that they're out there. What it's confirmed is that there have been what I just described, like Air Force guys, but the Air Force is.

[B]

Like, we don't know the Air Force.

[A]

Like, we don't know what this is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And here's what I say to that. And I mean, I've read lots of it because it is fascinating just to read about and like to hear. Not some knucklehead in the Midwest, but like Air Force. I read all that when they dumped those documents.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did these guys see, how did they describe it, what got caught on video? And I've seen the videos and stuff they've released and I'm like, yeah, I have no explanation for what that is. But here's what I will say. The United States government and like most other giant superpowers, they have different divisions in their military branch. They do not talk to each other or share information.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So if the NSA or the Air Force or you know, MI6 or whomever, if they. Some sort of thing, they're not going to just be like, listen, FBI, we just wanted to give you guys a heads up. We're going to be doing some weird experiments at 70,000ft.

[B]

It's not your jurisdiction.

[A]

Yeah, they're not going to tell anyone. Yeah, they're just going to do that.

[B]

If you have a Tic Tac that can make a right angle.

[A]

And because most of the people seeing this stuff are Air Force pilots and not commercial airliners, something tells me this stuff is happening way far away from where any commercial airline would ever fly. That is the safest place to try out this equipment. If you are a government looking for airspace that doesn't have a whole lot of action going on in it. So, yeah, you go crazy up north by the polls and you try out your $80 billion thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And some pilot sees it and goes, I don't know what the hell that is. I've never seen anything move like it. And then somewhere in Russia, they go, hey, hey, we got away with it. And that's that. And it's a Russia. Well, they have.

[B]

Why couldn't it be a.

[A]

Well, maybe it's us. I don't know. It could have. Could have been us, too. Probably was.

[B]

I'm like a little boy. Yeah, it could be.

[A]

Hey, it was us. It was us. I take it back.

[B]

It's Spider Man. Spider Man, Right.

[A]

Not Russia.

[B]

Spider Man.

[A]

It was spider man and Dr. Strange. Love.

[B]

Oh, I actually thought that wasn't a bummer answer at all. Okay, how about let's go into things that Sammy does have. I thought that was great.

[A]

Oh, thanks.

[B]

I was like, what is this? What is this?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We're having a. We're having a great experience.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ever almost die?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Many times.

[A]

Two that really stick out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The first, I was 20 years old, and I was shooting a movie in Mexico, and we were. It was a beautiful place where we're shooting the movie. It was a beach resort. It's called Broken Lizards. Club Dread is the movie, if anyone is interested, which we shot on this gorgeous resort island in, like, southern Mexico. And it was right there on the water.

[B]

I remember.

[A]

And you were there, too.

[B]

No, I just remember the movie. I see my favorite joke in that movie is when Farvera, whose name is Kevin Heffernan. Kevin Heffernan, who's great, did this podcast.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

He's, you know, he's a bigger guy, but he can chant. And he becomes small, and so he becomes small so he can hide. And someone goes, why don't you just do that all the time? And he goes, this is a fat joke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's before. Is this a fat joke? Really? Before became. To me, that's what made. Is this a fat joke? Like a part of my life?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But like the most inappropriate time, they're. They're afraid for their life. And he's like, this is a fat joke. I thought that was so good.

[A]

There's a lot of really great jokes in that movie, and I'm glad that it's found a really awesome, devoted audience over the 20 almost years now. It's been out, but we're shooting that movie there. And we shot it in the middle of summer, and we're so close to the equator, and I'd never been that close to the equator. And when you wander into the ocean and you're that close to the equator, it's like bathwater warm.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

The ocean water, it's stunningly strange experience to be in ocean water that warm. And it would stay that warm pretty much all day. And you could swim out into the ocean at night.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And we often would. We'd. We'd wrap the film. The sun would go down, we'd wrap up. We'd all have dinner or something. You know, the cast and crew, whatever. We'd have dinner at that. There was only one restaurant there. And then a handful of people. Yeah, we're gonna go for a dip, then we'll have a swim, then we'll go to bed.

[B]

Yeah. Because when you're thinking about a night swim, number one is it's gonna be too cold. That's why you don't. Sure. Number two is it's scary as fuck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dark water.

[A]

Yeah. And so I thought I would join.

[B]

Them in the dark. Dark.

[A]

In the dark, dark water.

[B]

I mean, kind of moon we looking at it?

[A]

Was it. Was it cast a nice moon?

[B]

You saw some moon.

[A]

There was. There was Moon shimmer. Yeah.

[B]

There was a little Oscar Isaac in the sky.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. Exactly.

[B]

Sorry, we're paid. I'm paid a hundred thousand dollars to mention the show Moon Knight.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Moon Knight.

[A]

But. But you called it Moon Shadow.

[B]

I'm correcting myself now. It's Moon Knight with Oscar Isaac. Oscar winner. Did he win an Oscar?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

He is an Oscar nominee. He's. He's an Oscar.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And he's a nominee for himself, and.

[A]

He'Ll definitely win at some point. He's very talented.

[B]

For Moon Knight.

[A]

For Moon Night.

[B]

Because that's a movie stuff.

[A]

Night stuff.

[B]

Go. Okay, so this riff, this was okay, but go.

[A]

It was fine. So a man. It took me a while to work up. Like, it was a couple nights in and I'd seen the people go out and they're like 30, 40ft out off the shore. A whole bunch of them just hanging out there. And I remember thinking, like, I'm not really a strong swimmer, and I'm so nervous to, like, swim out and hang out with that group of people. Clearly, like, wading water 30ft out. Like, they all must be in really good shape to, like, hang out there and be having conversations. With each other, and I would love to be a part of that, but I'm not a good swimmer. And so, like, on the third night, I was like, out of hell with it. And so I walk into the ocean.

[B]

You've been a couple marks of dinner, maybe one beer. A couple Mark Simpsons. Just one beer.

[A]

Just one beer.

[B]

One service.

[A]

Yeah, I was a very lightweight. And I was going to say still am, but that's not true. That's a whole other story.

[B]

You've worked on it.

[A]

The pandemic made me an alcoholic, not an alcoholic. It gave me the tolerance. Tolerance of an alcohol.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

In a good way.

[B]

Actually, a lot of alcoholics don't have tolerances because their liver says, I know where this is headed, and they get drunk right away.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Fun fact.

[A]

Okay. Did not know. Thanks for the info.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I start waiting out. And, you know, you're walking. You're walking. Not a tall man. And then there's that point where the. The sand just goes out from your feet. And now you're swimming, and I see how far away they are, and I'm already swimming and fighting the water.

[B]

I hate this.

[A]

And I know I get, like, a couple feet further, and I'm like, nope, I am not going to make this. And then I turn around and start swimming for the shore. And then I get caught in the undertow, in the wave.

[B]

I hate every part.

[A]

It was not fun, people.

[B]

And Sammy the machine.

[A]

Yeah. And I. I'm an asthmatic, and I am not a good swimmer, and I'm in terrible shape, and I'm running out of steam real fast, and I can't catch my breath, and I'm fighting. And every time I think I'm about to get back to the sand, another wave hits me and knocks me down. And one of them was so bad, it knocked me and slammed me against the bottom of the ocean.

[B]

Which had to be a mixed blessing, because you're like, oh, here's the bottom.

[A]

It was. I was like, I can feel it, but it's like six feet beneath me, and I'm five' five.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And. Yeah. And I.

[B]

You're halfway to a fake.

[A]

Like, ah, this is not good. And I kind of start calling. I'm. I'm. Now I'm. With whatever little breath I have left, I'm like. And that's the best I can muster.

[B]

Troopers.

[A]

It's the best I can muster. The noise sounded like that.

[B]

No.

[A]

And corner of my eye, I see Mike Weaver, who is an actor in the movie. He's in a lot of the Broken Lizard movies. And I see him swimming towards me, and he kind of sees me, and I see him and I see him, and I think, oh, my God, he's gonna have to save me. And I'm like, Mike. And I. I have nothing left. And I am fighting for my life in water that I cannot handle. And I see him coming towards me. And right when I think, like, I'm about to have to say with my last breaths above water, like. Like, help me, Mike. One of the waves just slams me forward so hard, it slams me against the bottom, but this time kind of pointing me towards the shore. And it bangs me. And I get up, and on my very tiptoes, I'm able to get above the waterline. And then I, like, crawl to shore. And I'd fought so hard for, like, what in my mind felt like an hour is probably 40 seconds, of course, But I get to shore, and I had nothing left. I'm gasping for air, and I can't move. And Mike sees me, and he did not hear me screaming at or trying to scream at him, because I know there was very little sound coming from me. And he sees me like, you're all right, buddy. I'm like. He's like, wow, you all right? And, yeah, it's so funny how quickly.

[B]

We go from don't die to don't make someone else uncomfortable. You're like, immediately, like, you know, like.

[A]

I was like, I don't want anyone to ever know how clearly ill equipped to swim into the ocean I was. And I don't want him to feel like I was just about to die. By the way, unbeknownst to me, until almost the day we left, because then I was terrified to go back into the water. Unbeknownst to me, at least that area where everyone was wading into the ocean. So it's like, shore, shore, shore, shore, shore, dips, comes right back.

[B]

It was a crevasse.

[A]

All I had to do was get beyond that. Like, first eight feet, and then the floor comes right back. They were all just standing out there.

[B]

I'm not a pastor, but I feel like there's a sermon analogy there to be. Like, sometimes when you hit adversity, you actually have to go through, keep going. Because Sam the Machine Levine, who died on the set of Club Dread, he didn't know he needed to keep going forward.

[A]

The only thing I can think is who they would have recast my role with.

[B]

Who's the guy who snags your role?

[A]

Savage and used to Change. It was different for years. And before I say some names, I'm gonna give you two names. You should. I would always think, like, oh, man, those guys, whatever. I'd seen them in a million auditions and is either gonna. It was gonna be me or him or this third guy, and that was that. Years ago, somebody came up to me at an audition, and so I'm. Or not on audition, but he saw me out and about somewhere and he said, you know, you're the guy who takes all my roles. And I did not know who this person was.

[B]

Jude Law.

[A]

And I'm only familiar with his ex wife.

[B]

Who's Jude Law's ex wife?

[A]

Sadie.

[B]

Sadie Hawkins.

[A]

Sadie Hawkins.

[B]

And that's the one where she asks you to dance.

[A]

I don't remember. Anyway, so he says, oh, you're the guy who takes all my parts. I was like, what? He goes, I saw you at this audition and this audition and this audition and this one, and you booked all of those. And I felt terrible that I'd apparently been in the waiting room with someone who at least that many times, and I didn't recognize him. And I was like, yeah, I did book all those roles. Wow, okay. That's crazy. So I guess what goes around comes around. So whatever someone is to me, I am to someone else, and I'm sure he is to someone else, and that's how it is.

[B]

Can't be sure about that.

[A]

Fair enough. Let's get him on the. Come on in.

[B]

Alexa, call Phil. Find all the phils that are 55 and call them.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Finding the one Phil, that's 55 in Hollywood.

[A]

It's been a minute, but Shia LaBeouf and Simon Helberg.

[B]

Labuffy. Yeah, you know his name. Inshia the Beef.

[A]

I do. You know he was on Freaks and Geeks.

[B]

I do. He played. He was a geek.

[A]

I believe he was in one episode.

[B]

The one with the head.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

When you got. You just got married. We're going to tell your second death story. But when you got married, on your wedding night, did you drop your silken robe, look at your bride and say, it's time for this geek to get freaky?

[A]

Were you in the room? You were, weren't you? Oh, wow. Couldn't get further away from you. I will tell you straight up, that was one of the longest, most full days of our lives.

[B]

Getting married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we knew this happened this month.

[A]

At the end of last month, end of April.

[B]

Wikipedia said May.

[A]

Well, Wikipedia's wrong. It was April20.

[B]

Citation needed. And here it is.

[A]

And there you go. That citation. We knew ahead of time. We were like, I'm laying the odds that we get freaky on the night.

[B]

Of the wedding for sexual.

[A]

Actually, I lay in the odds at.

[B]

Like, I've had two. Two weddings because I'm divorced both times. And Val knows this. Sex after your wedding. Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

I'm just.

[B]

Yes. Dancing, eating. It's a schmooze fest.

[A]

And your body hurts.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I was in pain. No, there was not a chance.

[B]

And we got back to the hotel, and there was roses on the bed. The hotel did it. And we were just like, that's marriage. And when people say that, they usually mean it in a bad way.

[A]

You.

[B]

Dating is when you're like, we did have sex, but it was real. Sort of like just kind of like two jellyfish kind of. And then there's you drowning.

[A]

At least I got to see the jellyfish.

[B]

Yeah. And here comes Weaver. He doesn't help you. And then Shia LaBeouf is over here booking it. He does drown, and everyone's like, gives an applause, and he comes back. It was performance art.

[A]

He's that kind of guy.

[B]

He's that kind of guy now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of brilliant, right?

[A]

Look, I've given up trying to figure out some artists and their. And the way their brains work because it's so foreign from the way my brain works. I can't comprehend it. And I'm like, look, he's working on a different wavelength, and whatever he's doing is working for him. So.

[B]

But it seemed like LaBeouf had some, like, negative Labuzz. And, like, people were kind of like, I don't know about this LaBeouf guy. And then he was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna eat 75 bananas in a room while I'm crying. And then we were all like. And now. Yeah, labufa is le back.

[A]

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

I mean, I don't feel like he's gone.

[A]

I don't think he's gone. He seems active and, you know, we'll see him in something.

[B]

He played a Latino assassin recently.

[A]

Okay, I missed that.

[B]

I'm pretty sure he was Latino. Did you see that movie?

[A]

I did not.

[B]

He's playing like a.

[A]

Was that west side Story, too?

[B]

West side Story. It's a prequel called east side Narrative.

[A]

That sounds like a ripoff.

[B]

Sounds when you're an airplane.

[A]

You see at Vaughn's when the movies in the Johns. It's a job.

[B]

Yeah. Just a joke.

[A]

When west side Story is in theaters. You're at the checkout and there's the vhs.

[B]

It's wrapped in a way that, you know, it was returned and rewrapped. This was a return. And it's only 299.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Second death story or no. You got married. We had jellyfish sex. You were very tired at the end of your wedding night.

[A]

True.

[B]

We still managed for the geek to get freaky.

[A]

We've had sex since then. We have consummated the marriage.

[B]

Oh, you didn't have sex on your wedding night?

[A]

We did not.

[B]

Can I just say good for you.

[A]

Oh, thanks.

[B]

That's like the best sign. What I'm saying is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Intimacy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That I've been doing this bit about it. It's like, I don't like dating. I don't want to be on stiff dinners trying to impress somebody. If at the end of a 19 hour party, you're both in love enough to be like, let's sleep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Welcome.

[B]

Welcome to the party.

[A]

We knew that that was gonna be the way that was gonna happen. So there was no expectation.

[B]

Great.

[A]

If anything, there was the expectation of we're going to be so tired, we will fall asleep before our heads hit the pillow.

[B]

Zero sexpectations.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Did you step on the glass?

[A]

I did not.

[B]

Ooh. Can I be your mother for a second?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Fish. Shame.

[A]

It was a shonda. Ashanda Rhymes. What happened at this. We thought about it. I thought about it.

[B]

No chairs.

[A]

No cheers. No. Yep. No horror. No chairs. That was. I have no. Yeah. Couldn't do it.

[B]

Why I'm so interested.

[A]

I'll tell you exactly why. So.

[B]

By the way. Yeah. Also, who cares? Like, I'm not asking you to defend yourself. I'm just curious. Because I'm so cultureless. Not really. But I'm just a little white bread.

[A]

Okay. That's fine.

[B]

When I go to a Jewish wedding and there's the chairs and there's the glass, I'm a little tradition envious.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I felt that way about bar mitzvahs as well. I was like, I'm 13. No one gives a shit.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, that would. Excuse me.

[B]

Right. Yeah. You just don't have the induction into some sort of belonging.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

That the other faiths do it as well. But Judaism really seems to nail. So when I say why, there's no judgment. I'm just.

[A]

I'm interested and I'm happy to tell you. So while I was raised Jewish and I was bar mitzvahed and Everything. I have not been a practicing member of the Jewish faith.

[B]

Isn't that. I'm not trying to tease. Isn't that par for the course? I know a lot of Jewish people that are still going to do a Jewish wedding, but are like, I'm not. I'm not really.

[A]

Oh, maybe. I don't know. I mean, I've certainly been to Jewish weddings, but I assume too.

[B]

Or a lot of every faith has the like.

[A]

So. My wife is not Jewish.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She was raised Irish Catholic, I guess.

[B]

Great.

[A]

That doesn't sound great.

[B]

Guess. Great. Great. Zero. That's not it.

[A]

We've realized.

[B]

I don't know anything about it. It's definitely not us. Yeah.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's a whole video. There's the communion. I don't know. So the point is, where's she from? She's from the Boston area. She's from.

[B]

Good guess.

[A]

Lowell, Massachusetts.

[B]

Good guess.

[A]

Lowell.

[B]

Very good guess. Irish Catholic. Yeah, but keep going.

[A]

I mean, that part's not a guess. Oh, the Lowell or the Irish Catholic?

[B]

There's.

[A]

There was an Irish Catholic heritage.

[B]

She is lowest. Okay, go ahead.

[A]

Anyway, so. Lowell. Yeah.

[B]

Haven't thought about Lowell in a while.

[A]

Dicky Eklund.

[B]

Dicky Eklund from the Fighter. Oh, my God.

[A]

It has nice parts, too.

[B]

No, I'm thinking about. I was thinking about the plight of his story.

[A]

It's sad, but it's got a happy ending.

[B]

That story brutalizes me.

[A]

Well, anyway, go on.

[B]

The Pride of lol.

[A]

The point is, neither of us has been particularly religious. So when we talked about the wedding early on, we were like, totally secular, Right? Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so for me, she was more than willing to do any sort of religious stuff. And I with her, if it was important to her, we should have it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But originally I thought, all right, I'll do the glass thing. And then the more I thought about it, we looked it up and I was like, because I'm not going to do it if I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm not going to do it. Well, it's tradition. Everybody does it. But why?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we looked it up and there's no single straight answer, by the way. Go ahead. I encourage you to go.

[B]

What are some of them.

[A]

Here's the one that really stuck with me.

[B]

Fuck glass.

[A]

Jews hate glass.

[B]

I've known this.

[A]

They own. They only want plastic that will never decay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's got a poison the earth. We're an angry people. Here's my favorite reason marriages fail because evil Spirits invade the marriage and they're waiting. When couples get married, when they form that bond, that union, that's when they latch on to the couple and then they sow their seeds and their wait to destroy the marriage. But if you break a glass, the noise scares the evil demons away and then you'll have a happy marriage because they didn't attach themselves.

[B]

And I was like, that's a little call me now.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's a little call me now right there.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Yeah. And that's very sorry, superstitious sounding.

[A]

I am not going to do that.

[B]

Do not go in there.

[A]

So I was like, all right. If that's. If even one person who stepped on a glass did it for that reason, I'm not doing it.

[B]

Interesting. So, boy, I'm surprised that it's that I thought it was some beautiful metaphor.

[A]

There are other reasons. Yeah, it's like the word swag. Look up the word swag and you will find a hundred different definitions for swag. Swag for what? It means. It's an acronym.

[B]

It is, yeah.

[A]

So the most. The one that I grew up with was stolen without a gun. People now, they went to a movie premiere, I got a bunch of swag. Swag, yeah. Stuff we all get. There's a million reasons, a million definitions that people have assigned it over the years.

[B]

I don't like stuff we all get because the whole point of swag is not everyone gets it. Only the people that went to the.

[A]

Event'S been completely altered over the years.

[B]

Whenever it's an acronym, I. I doubt it. Because okay is the same. People are like some president used to write, okay thought it meant all complete. I'm like, nobody who became the president thought you all was spelled O L.

[A]

But the point is much like that, if you Google why did Jews break a glass at the wedding? You're going to get 50 answers and one joke.

[B]

One about plastic, obviously, because I put that on Wikipedia.

[A]

So. Yeah, so we didn't do that. And the chairs, that was something neither of us wanted to be lifted in chairs.

[B]

You are. There's a size joke here. But I would love to lift you in a chair.

[A]

You know, when you did lift me, it was nine years ago, I had to look it up. We did an episode of Doug Lo's movies. It was you, me, TJ and Bert Kreischer.

[B]

Uh huh. That's a loud show.

[A]

Oh boy.

[B]

That's a loud.

[A]

And I don't remember anything that led up to it. I'm sure I could find the episode in the Archives. Somebody check it out. Oh. More than pick me up. I ran and leapt into your arms.

[B]

That's different. I'm glad.

[A]

And you picked me up like a bride you were carrying across the threshold. You caught me and lifted me high into the air. Pete.

[B]

Wow. Did it feel great?

[A]

It was amazing.

[B]

I believe it.

[A]

And I found the gif.

[B]

There's a GIF of it?

[A]

Liesel, the great Liesl photographer who used to take pictures of all the great UCB shows, she took a video of it and turned it into a. A gif. And I found it not long ago. Not only will I text it to you when this episode posts.

[B]

Will post.

[A]

My first Instagram post will be. Hey, I'm on.

[B]

Finally.

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

Seven years after this.

[A]

Seven. It's been so long. And. And then the next. And you'll swipe and then it'll be that gif Love need.

[B]

I wish Andre the Giant was alive just so he could pick me up. And Princess Bride 2.

[A]

Do you think Andre the Giant's the only person who could pick you up?

[B]

Yes. Peter. Peter, come here. I want to pick you up like Sam Levine. Can I pick you up?

[A]

That's pretty good.

[B]

It's not bad. My impressions are not on point to le for some reason. One day I can do it, and.

[A]

Then today I can stop. Starting to get bad. Stop.

[B]

No. I know. It's getting worse. Let's see where it goes.

[A]

Call me now. Call Mr.

[B]

I know. Call me now. When's my call sheet? It was bad.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah. Second death story.

[A]

Sure. Skydiving.

[B]

Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

I hate. I hate roller coasters. I don't like seating control. I'm a bad passenger.

[B]

You mean you don't want to be locked into a chair?

[A]

I don't want to be locked into a chair.

[B]

We mean by seating control.

[A]

With my life. If I'm in a car, I prefer to be the driver.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if we're gonna die, you want to be the one.

[A]

I want to be the one who killed us all. I want to be the one who heard your Andre the Giant impression. Oh, my God. So unimpressed.

[B]

Sam.

[A]

I turned us into Andre.

[B]

Don't turn into the traffic, Sam.

[A]

Too late.

[B]

I am the dread Pirate robot. No, that's very good. Because he kind of has like a. When he yells.

[A]

Well, sure. He's got a mouthful of chips and dip.

[B]

Both chips and dip.

[A]

Yeah. So I went skydiving for John Daly. Sweet John Daly. He. I think he turned. God, how old was he?

[B]

Hard to know he's an ageless man.

[A]

So I think this might have been his 21st. I don't know. He's. He's ageless now. Now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We went skydiving, me, him and a handful of other people for his birthday. And I did a tandem jump, as most people do for their first skydive, and I loved it.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And it was. Have you ever been?

[B]

Never will.

[A]

Everyone should skydive one time.

[B]

Some people only get to skydive one time.

[A]

Very few.

[B]

Very, very few.

[A]

Remarkably few people skydive once and die. Remarkably few.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I loved it.

[B]

Tell me everything. And you were strapped to the instructor?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Did he notice that I'm strapped to him? It's a small guy joke.

[A]

Is that a fat joke.

[B]

Sammy? I don't know why I'm punchy today. I really wanted one small guy joke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that okay?

[A]

Just one. Why limit yourself? Well, look at us on this couch. I look like your son.

[B]

I did. The reason I couldn't resist is because the thought of you being instructor does a jump and didn't know it was a tandem jump.

[A]

Yeah. Like a pet who sneaks into your car to work. God damn it. Like that.

[B]

Yeah. You didn't know something like he was.

[A]

Halfway through the jump. He's like, son of a bitch.

[B]

And you were on the front, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were your feet touching the ground?

[B]

I'm sorry. You're my guest.

[A]

Oh, don't be sorry. You're my guest. Don't be sorry. That's what we're here for.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That's what we're here for. All right, so anyway, I did the jump and I loved it. And I went back a month later, I did another tandem jump.

[B]

Terrified the first time.

[A]

A little scary because you don't know what to expect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the minute you realize what it is.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

It's the greatest sensation that absolutely cannot be achieved on the ground. You are flying.

[B]

You're flying.

[A]

You're flying down, but you're flying. You have. Your feet are not on the ground. You are horizontal, and you are moving about with your arms.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It's quite something.

[B]

So he didn't pull it right away?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Some they jump and it pulls.

[A]

That would be a very bad tandem skydive.

[B]

You want to jump and fly.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And what are you going, oh, God. Oh, God. Or did you calm down?

[A]

You know, you don't want to open your mouth. As they don't teach you this. You don't want to open your mouth. When you're skydiving, because A, things will fly in there, and B, you're talking about wind going approximately 130 miles an hour. Your mouth will dry out faster than you at a show.

[B]

When you're bobbing.

[A]

When you're bobbing.

[B]

That's it. No, I've earned it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been this. Ever since this. The small guy jokes. I'm like, we got to get Petey back. Nah, it was fast enough.

[A]

No, it didn't get to me.

[B]

But I'm joining you in the initiative. We're going to get Petey before this one's done.

[A]

Okay. That's right. I'm sure I'll have another chance. But my point is, it will dry your mouth out, of course. Instantly.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Ashton Kutcher to vaginas when he was.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Am I skydiving bottomless right now?

[A]

Maybe. So. Yeah, that's. That's the sensation that you get there.

[B]

And you land in your euphoric for a long time.

[A]

It's wild. Oh, yeah. No, I was definitely euphoric for hours. And. And so I went and I did another tandem. And after my second tandem, I was. No. A month later, and I took my dad. And then I thought, okay, I enjoyed that too much. It's kind of all I think about. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take the course, I'm gonna get trained, and I'm gonna jump.

[B]

Like you were addicted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want.

[A]

I wanted to jump solo.

[B]

Solo?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wanted to jump Chewy. So keep going.

[A]

Oh, boy. I like that you went with Chewy.

[B]

Not Chewbacca.

[A]

Not Chewbacca.

[B]

I went with the less formal. Look at this guy. He's naked. But for a better belt, I'm calling him Chewed. You put on pants, maybe I call you Chewbacca.

[A]

No pants. Do you think he ever. He never has to wear. Put on formal wear. I mean, how easy would that make your life?

[B]

Always nude. He's like a bear, I guess. Yeah. Once a bear puts on jockeys, you're like, now I'm thinking about how you're topless.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, so I did it. I took the course, and it was many hours in the. In the hangar with my great instructor, and we learned everything. And. And so I felt very confident and very ready to do my first solo.

[B]

This is under the banner of times. You almost died. Oh, yeah. I hate that. This is the banner.

[A]

So they were going up on the plane. They slapped my altimeter on me. I got my shoot on my instructor's with me. He jumps with me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, holding on to me.

[B]

He's gonna T cruise your Superman.

[A]

But then once I pull my ripcord and. And I'm under canopy, as they say, that I'm on my own. Yeah, that's that. And I gotta. With those thing. Yeah. My risers. Yeah. Yeah. And so you're mad about you. Months.

[B]

I got my hunt and I got.

[A]

My riser, My Lily Kenzie.

[B]

More hunt. More hunt.

[A]

My Richard Kynes. So I. I jump. And it's crazy because it's a totally different sensation now because my jump was. My freefall was so uncontrolled because previously I'd been strapped to the front and he was doing all the hard work. My guy on back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This time it's all on me.

[B]

I have to assume. I'm not trying to be like, it's core strength. It's like a lot of like, muscle. Like, you're probably exhausted.

[A]

Yeah. And. And I was exhausting. And I did everything, honestly, all wrong. But like, I did enough. I had to demonstrate, like a turn this way. A turn this way, using my arms and making sure my legs are in the right formation. Very basic stuff while you're falling, or.

[B]

This is training while you're falling.

[A]

So I've already trained to do this.

[B]

Yeah. And now you're jumping out.

[A]

And now I'm jumping out and doing it. And it was fine. And so when you are free falling, even if you're right next to someone, I mean, your faces are right next to each other.

[B]

Little kiss.

[A]

You cannot hear a single thing. Of course the other person is saying. Remember wind at 130 miles an hour racing past your ears. So you communicate with your instructor via hand signals.

[B]

Yep. Like scuba.

[A]

Like scuba diving. Exactly. And I don't know why he made me wear that tank. It seemed like way too much weight. So the we were free falling and we jumped from 15,000ft feet. And I am supposed to pull my ripcord at 4,500ft. My feet are sweaty, which is, for the record, a really high distance above the ground. The reason I'm supposed to pull the. To give you a frame of reference. Like professional skydivers will pull. A thousand feet off the ground. 800ft off the ground.

[B]

T cruise fallout.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

We're looking at 25ft above the ground.

[A]

25Ft above the ground.

[B]

Yeah, that's T Cruise.

[A]

So at 4,500ft, the idea is if you pull your rip cord and you don't have a clean opening, you've Got plenty of time to fix it or cut away and go to your reserve. Yeah, that's the whole reason you literally.

[B]

Have a knife to cut it.

[A]

No, it's. It's built within the. The shell.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is what they call the. The pack that contains both your parachutes. Yeah, there's. There's a thing in there that you have to Physically, you pull it and it literally comes off and you let go, and that cuts your main chute away.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then your reserve is a different.

[B]

All I'm thinking is, what if you're. It doesn't. And then you do that and you realize you cut your backup shoot away.

[A]

You cannot cut your reserve away.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

There's no mechanism for that.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

So anyway, I. I'm dying.

[B]

I'm freaking out.

[A]

I go and I pull.

[B]

I know you're sitting here with me.

[A]

But yeah, I pull my rip cord and sure as malfunction on my very first solo jump, it means I did not have a clean opening. My chute was partially open, but not open all the way.

[B]

A semi.

[A]

A semi. It was half staff. Yeah. It had seen maybe a boob side boob. Could be a fat guy, not sure. Half staff.

[B]

Twbab.

[A]

So I'm looking up and here's part of the training, by the way, is they put you in the rig, they put you in the harness in this thing in here. And my instructor stands over me with these giant photographs over my head. And each photograph is a perfect photo of what a particular malfunction looks like from that angle. So he holds that over your head while you're in this harness.

[B]

Who is taking those photos? Oh, malfunction click.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Save it for the gram.

[A]

Oh, we lost so many men taking this.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So many good men and women. Anyway, so I'm. So basically, the point is. Yeah, you're. You're meant to look up, and you have to identify the malfunction and how to fix it within a split second or they won't let you jump. Jump. Like that's part of the training.

[B]

But yes.

[A]

And so he. Like, I look up and I immediately identify what the malfunction is, and I'm trying to fix it. I'm try. I'm doing my best. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do. And actually, I left out a giant part of the story, which was I'm free falling.

[B]

A giant.

[A]

I'm free falling next to Andre the giant. He falls, by the way, and at the same rate as I do.

[B]

Woody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Terminal velocity.

[B]

I don't know physics.

[A]

And I don't know physics.

[B]

I do know physics.

[A]

32Ft per second squared until you reach terminal velocity.

[B]

And a feather and a ball at.

[A]

The same rate in a vacuum.

[B]

Yes, they'll fall at the same rate, but with air.

[A]

No, I'm kidding. I think Andrew the Giant probably would have fallen faster than I would, but not by much.

[B]

Just a little bit.

[A]

Once you hit terminal velocity, it's all the same.

[B]

But it's all the same.

[A]

He would achieve it probably faster than me. I achieved.

[B]

But then we maintain at the same speed.

[A]

There you go. So I'm free falling with my instructor, and everything's fine. I'm doing my elements, everything I'm supposed to do. And I keep checking my altimeter, and I'm like, all right, 8,000ft, we're good. 7,000ft. We're good. And then I'm, like, doing something, and then, like, I feel a hand on me, and I look over, and it's my instructor giving me the pull your rip cord. And, like, I feel him, like, grabbing at me, like he's gonna pull it for me. And then I glanced down at my altimeter, and I'm at 2500ft. No, like, it went from, like, 7000 to 2500 in a second.

[B]

Was there an issue with the altimeter.

[A]

Or you just was it stuck it. It held up on something, and it just went.

[B]

So you add one job.

[A]

One job altimeter. So I pull the ripcord, and now I'm free falling by myself. But I know I'm 2,000ft below where I should. And now I'm dealing with a malfunction. And I'm wearing a jumpsuit. They make all the stitches.

[B]

Now it's a poop suit.

[A]

And within the jumpsuit, I am actually wearing a walkie talkie on a string around my neck, tucked in. I mean, it's pressed up against me, and that's there so that a second instructor on the ground after I open my canopy can, if I need, he can walk me through. Okay, a little more right. All right, a little more left to help me with my landing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the problem was when I pulled, I didn't have a clean opening, and I'm still falling pretty fast. And the wind is rustling, and all I hear is because of my flappy, not fully open, yep, main chute. Now, this is going to sound really shitty, but it's a giant pain in the ass when any skydiver cuts away and goes to their reserve. Because then that shell and that chute can't be used again, like, reserves have to be inspected and certified when they get packed. But a regular chute can be inspected and packed by someone who works at the drop zone. The reserves have to be inspected by someone who works for, like, the United States Parachute association or whatever. And so they don't. They really want you to learn how to fix your malfunction and not panic and cut away.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And so I remember that, and I'm.

[B]

Trying, but on one hand, you have Sammy the Machine Levine, and on the other hand, you have a slight inconvenience on the safe, safe ground, you know.

[A]

So I'm trying really hard to fix it. And at this point, I no longer trust my altimeter. And it's my first solo jump. I've done do tandems. And so I've got a. A fair idea at that point about, like, just looking at the horizon and trying to guess how far above the ground you are. But I said to myself, like, I. I hadn't really panicked. I panicked a little. But I only started to panic when I realized my altimeter isn't working. This isn't working. I know they don't want me to cut away, but God damn it. All right, I'm gonna try one last time to fix this malfunction.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And if I don't, I'm cutting away. Because when you cut away, you go back into freefall until you open your.

[B]

Reserve as if things.

[A]

I'm like, if I cut away and I go back into free fall, I might have be a hundred feet off the ground before I get my reserve open.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that is also in my brain. And so I try one last time. I give it absolutely everything I have.

[B]

What is the technique to fix it?

[A]

I have to full flare as hard as I can, pull both my risers, full lego, full Guy Fieri, Full Guy Fieri, Full Flavortown. And so I did it. You did it. I gave it everything I had, like I was swimming for my life in the Pacific Ocean off Mexico, everything I have. And then it goes. And now I've got it. Now I'm fully under canopy, fully engorged canopy. And I immediately start falling a lot slower. And I look at my altimeter, which, again, I don't trust. And now I am, I don't know, 800ft off the ground, which is pretty low. It sounds high, but if you've never.

[B]

Been under canopy before, Sammy, I'm hoping for above 4,000.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

That's what I.

[A]

So only then am I now Able to hear the guy on the walkie and all right, all right, mate. Australia. All right, maybe pulling. And then he guides me and I land on this nice, nice sand thing. And then they're running over. When you land, you have to give the thumbs up that you didn't break your leg or anything on your landing. And I gave the thumbs up. And I'm like, out of breath because I've been fighting my parachute the whole way down. And they're running over and the Australian guy, this is what he says to me, mate, couldn't you hear me on the walkie? I was like, what? He's like, you were at 1500ft. You had no air in your rear rises. I was telling you to come away.

[B]

Oh, no. They wanted you to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ditch it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I was like, oh. So I just cheated death. High fives all around. Let's do it.

[B]

So they did. Not making it about me at all. One time I scuba dove, ran out of air, and the instructor, when we got to shore, acted like nothing had happened. She was sort of embarrassed. Did they sort of go like, we had a dilly of a pickle today, mate.

[A]

No, he was upset with me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he was like. Because I think, frankly, if I died Splatty the machine, he would have been in some trouble.

[B]

I'm in trouble now. And I don't just mean repacking this at the plant.

[A]

Oh, they're gonna send me back to the colony. I gotta get all the criminals. Wait, that's where I'm from. Australia. That's how it started.

[B]

Pick this guy up with a laserdisc. He's as flat as a pizza. That's a 90 minute callback right there.

[A]

It was good.

[B]

It was a good one, Sammy.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Did you do it again after that?

[A]

I did.

[B]

You are a freaky bitch.

[A]

11 more times after that.

[B]

11.

[A]

I got halfway decent at being a solo skydiver. I was very confident, and I felt like I could handle just about any malfunction that was thrown at me, save for, like, bag lock, which is when nothing works and you're like, well, gonna die. But that's bag. Wildly rare.

[B]

I'm gonna say it for the people. Skydiving.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Baglock.

[A]

Baglock. Yeah. Anyway, if you do have big look.

[B]

Can you go ahead and grab your instructor, mate?

[A]

You had baglock. I was saying a Hail Mary for you, but you're not Catholic.

[B]

And he lit a candle and stepped on the glass.

[A]

Yeah. So the reason I stopped after my 11th solo jump was I had a really rough Landing and I had already. I don't have great knees. And I hurt my knees so bad it didn't break. I didn't tear anything. But after this rough landing, I was limping around for a month letting it heal, and I had this thought where I was like, how do I explain to my agent, oh, I would love to take that role, that amazing once in a lifetime role that was just offered to me, but I can't because I can't walk right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because of a skydiving accident.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Like, I work in an office and I can do that. And if I had a broken leg, it's fine. It's an inconvenience, but it's fine.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But so I was like, also, and I've almost died once, so if I do it from here on out, I'll just do tandems.

[B]

I'm either impressed or terrified that you kept doing it. Did you. After the bad one, did you take a break or.

[A]

No, I came back like three weeks later.

[B]

Three weeks later?

[A]

Well, I mean, it was a near death experience, but it didn't feel like I was about to die. Like the ocean thing, I thought I was going to die in the ocean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With this happened, I was a little panicky, but honestly, like, I had just taken the course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Info had never been fresher in my brain. And I had the overconfidence of someone's like, nope. They showed me what to do. I know what this malfunction is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it wasn't. It was just a matter of, okay, one more time. Then I cut away. And it is what it is. Yeah.

[B]

I love that. The cutaway, they're like, don't lose your deposit, mate. That's $75.

[A]

We gotta get, you know, Jennifer from the parachute organization. She's got to come out here, you know, you don't want to trouble Jennifer.

[B]

It's a Sunday, mate.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

I saw Reese Darby last night and I just immediately went up to him and I was like, hey, mate. And we're Skywing Allen. And I was like, pete, the boat has drifted too far from the shore.

[A]

It's just. It's.

[B]

Yeah, it's become that.

[A]

Yeah, he's so talented. I love him.

[B]

I don't care for him.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Just kidding, Reese, you're great. I said, congrats on the show. And he went, yeah, it's just great to be back in the game again. I thought that was the funniest way to respond to congrats on the show. It's great to be Back in the game again.

[A]

It's like.

[B]

I love that response. And he is hilarious. I was jk. Yeah. Okay, so we're at the end, and you had a secular wedding, and we know that you're non relig.

[A]

Non religion.

[B]

Zero religion.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

What. What do you. Any framework for the. For the phenomenon of existence?

[A]

We are not having children.

[B]

Say what?

[A]

You heard me.

[B]

No, I know. How is that. I said, any framework for the phenomenon of existence, like a. Like a belief structure, and you said, we're not having children.

[A]

Oh, I thought you meant the phenomenon of existence, like bringing a new life.

[B]

No, but I'm interested. No kids.

[A]

No kids.

[B]

Done.

[A]

Done.

[B]

There's a lot of reasons not to have kids. One world is so sad or whatever. Yes. Or is it more like we want to eat nachos?

[A]

We want to eat nachos in the sad world by ourselves. It's everything. It's so many different things.

[B]

Yeah, I hear you.

[A]

And we are selfish people who would rather spend the money on ourselves and enjoy our 40s and 50s and 60s and 70s. Probably not for me.

[B]

Heart. Heart problems.

[A]

No. I'm gonna skydive again in my late 60s, and, you know, it'll be so.

[B]

Complicated when you land. It sounds like someone's opening a bag of sun Chips. You know how loud those bags are?

[A]

Do you remember the sun chip bags that were biodegradable?

[B]

That's the one.

[A]

I mean, that's the one you're talking about. The ones they discontinued.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they were too noisy.

[B]

It was the loudest bag in the world. That's you when you land in your 60s.

[A]

But that's. But that's consumerism.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

That's consumerism. Hey, this bag is great. It gives back to mother Earth. It makes noise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Kill the program, buddy.

[B]

I think about that all the time.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Don't forget.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Would cut a lot of corners. If it means making. I don't mean we. I mean all corporations would cut a lot of corners and keep looking for the scientific lab that will say that the McRib saw is healthy if it means making 30 more dollars annually.

[A]

Framework for existence. We're all here for a good time. Not a long time. I don't know. That's the first time.

[B]

No, it's the first time you've ever said it, but it's the second time. You made this feel like a dose of keys. Commercial. You're a man. You're a man of leisure. And we're not here for a long time. We're here for A good time.

[A]

There you go. Here's how I feel about it. Is the. I've read. I was fascinated by theology when I was a teenager and I read quite a bit about it and all the basises. The basis of the major religious religions.

[B]

You're becoming me.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

The religion.

[A]

I'm trying. I'm trying to. I'm Broadway.

[B]

Just do this voice too many times.

[A]

So it's all fascinating. And here's the bottom line. Much in the same way that no one can prove There is 100% a God. I know there's 100% a God. There's a whole plan. There's a whole thing on that end. And then on the other end, it is foolish for a non believer, an atheist, if you will. I am 100%. There is nothing. It's a. Nope. Either one of those polars. You can be 99.9.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can't be 100. You can feel like it's 100, but realistically that can only be 999. That's where I am with the. With my end with the non. But in that point.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm fine with everything else. Anyone can believe, do whatever they want. I could be wrong. We could all be wrong. So God bless. Whatever makes you happy. Excuse me. Fake God bless.

[B]

Gosh, bless.

[A]

Gosh bless. Oh, damn it. Jesus Christ. Darn it, Jonah the Whale. Nope.

[B]

Christ said Steve Jobless.

[A]

Well, so my point is, I don't know. And. But my. What I'm comfortable where I'm comfortable is that end.

[B]

And tandem skydiving.

[A]

And tandem skydiving.

[B]

No, I hear you. Well, that's what you probably because you listen to the show. You've probably heard me say this a million times. My. It's weird to have a favorite atheist, but I am very similar to Penn Jillette and. And his whole thing is we don't know. And he really taught me because a lot of. Not a lot, but some atheists are the 100. No way. And he's like, look, I could be wrong. I believe in infinite potential, infinite possibilities. I'm just saying the evidence suggests that there isn't one. And. And I. I really appreciate that. And that's what I'm hearing here. So if you'd like me to compliment your worldview, here I am.

[A]

Thank you. I'm not. I was not fishing. Fishing?

[B]

No, no, I didn't think you were fishing. But I didn't want you to think that sometimes by validating someone's beliefs, it can be condescending. I Didn't mean it that way.

[A]

Okay. Well, thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As long as you weren't taking it that way.

[A]

I did okay. Leaving.

[B]

Dead over.

[A]

Dead. Dead over. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, you go back to the earth, which in and of itself, I think, is pretty impressive.

[B]

The recycling of it all.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of the matter.

[A]

One day, every cell that it makes me up right now will be part of the earthing again and contributing to new life.

[B]

And also every atom and cell, every cell that you are is reborn every seven years. And all this stuff, I. I love that. I'm sure you've heard that. That image. The boat. You inherit, your father's boat, and then you replace the hull and you replace the floors, and after 10 years, you've replaced everything, but you still call it your father's boat. Yep, that's us.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

It's insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just really the difference. The difference between spirituality and materialism, which is what I hear you, you know, completely understand, is, like, which came first? Spirituality says consciousness manifested matter, and the material says matter developed consciousness to preserve itself. Just to join you in the delicious soup you're serving, please, buddy. We are two bonobos. We're jumping out of planes. What's that?

[A]

They make halfway decent shirts. Bonobos.

[B]

Is that a company?

[A]

It's a shirt company. I own a couple. Yeah.

[B]

You own a couple?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bonobos.com. sammy the Machine Levine.

[A]

If you go, and if they. They're like, hey, if there's a thing where it's like, any comments, when you place your order, just know. I sent you.

[B]

Sammy sent me.

[A]

I have nothing set up with those people.

[B]

When you write your name, Sammy. Three M's.

[A]

I don't ever write Sammy. Dangling participle.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

We left one.

[B]

Hit it.

[A]

Number two.

[B]

Podcast.

[A]

I was a sick kid, and I spent a lot of time in the hospital and at home, and that's where I started watching movies like it was my life's work.

[B]

Like Fred Rogers.

[A]

There you go. Third. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

[B]

I can't believe you remembered.

[A]

Of course, once I should come every episode. Once I knew what I wanted to do with my life, which was be in acting and whatever and make movies and shows and all that, then I was like, well, this is what I want to do. I owe it to myself. If I wanted to be a pharmacist, it's my job to know all about every drug. So I started soaking.

[B]

That's why I take them.

[A]

There you go. That's. I started soaking in every movie. Movies. I was like, you don't care? Well, I have to watch it anyway. And so I would. I've watched so many movies and my love for cinema knows no end. So that's the quick wrap up of that.

[B]

What's a movie that no one else likes that you love?

[A]

Have Free Jack.

[B]

Free Jack, sure.

[A]

It's. I mean, it's not a good movie, but it's. Oh, it's Emilio Estevez movie from the 90s. Emilio Estevez, Renee Russo, Anthony Hopkins, Mick Jagger, Faison. Love. It's ridiculous. It's a fucking ridiculous.

[B]

Do the preview for it. I'm not saying you have to do it, but do the preview for New Jack. For those of you us who don't know anything about it.

[A]

Alex Furlong was a race driver in the. He's doing it, headed for the biggest race of his career until. No, he died. Or did he? He's awake and it's 18 years later.

[B]

So many movies in the 90s.

[A]

And not only does he have a new chance at life, he's also got a run for his own. It's Free Jack. I mean, that's a very bad no. That's a very bad no.

[B]

Your shoot opened fully. We were under a full canopy on that rip. That was beautiful.

[A]

Thanks, man.

[B]

But he dies.

[A]

And what, so he dies in an auto racing accident? Yeah, but in the. So it's 1991 in that scene. And in the future, 2009. The future, Pete?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You mean they have technology.

[B]

No, that's 13 years ago.

[A]

They have technology where they can snatch you out of your time zone, your. Your timeline. Yeah, at any point they want. And so in that future, the, the world of pollution is terrible and so there's no healthy people. So when rich people are going to die, they can't just grab some body from that time to put their consciousness into to living forever. They snatch a healthy body from the past. From the past.

[B]

So it's not just one crazy conceit that you can transplant your consciousness. It's two. I can transplant it, but only someone from the past.

[A]

There's a couple of big ones. Yeah. It's based on a book called Immortality.

[B]

Inc. And it's also written by a narrator in Newspeak.

[A]

I think Robert Sheckley wrote the novel and I think Dan Gilroy adapted the screenplay.

[B]

Edit that out only because actually we're doing okay for Time.

[A]

Tell me why Sometimes you go two, three hours and look, I'm not some giant megastar, Sammy the Machine, but if we're Having funsies. And you don't have anywhere else to be. I cleared my whole day for this.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Once we're. Once we're not rolling by anymore, by the way. I'm not leaving. You, me, Val, Katie, if she wants to hang around.

[B]

Leela.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Everybody.

[A]

I don't want to forget anyone in this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In this house.

[B]

And there's a weird gnome man that lives in the floorboard.

[A]

I live in the floorboards.

[B]

Nah. Very nice. Thank you for making me feel better. I did have a baby carrier joke, but we don't need it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, listen. Yeah, tell me a Tarantino.

[A]

Oh, I got a couple goodies.

[B]

I love them. Did you hear him go, because we love making movies.

[A]

Of course I heard him do it. I heard him do it a thousand times on our set. So the reason that comes up is you're doing a take. Let's say we're shooting a take of takes of a scene. And it's hard. Whatever you're shooting is really hard. It's complicated. There's a lot of dialogue. Maybe someone has to do a stunt in it or whatever, and you do it. And he sometimes will do a lot of takes. And so you're on take 14, and you know you've got it, and you do a take, and he says, cut. Cut. That was brilliant. That was it. That was the take. But we're gonna do it one more time. And why. And then everyone on set, in unison, says, because we love making movies.

[B]

And it's to see that, to me, is when you sit down to write something great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have a better chance of writing something great when you remind yourself that you love something. You have a better chance of enjoying the experience, being in the moment, staying with it. Do you think that's what it is?

[A]

It's a lot of that. But, like, I think he has never allowed himself to forget his childlike exuberance of his love of cinema. And that he gets to do at the highest level. He gets to do the thing that makes him happiest in life.

[B]

He gets the golden ticket.

[A]

And he doesn't want to ever make it feel like a job or an obligation like I get to.

[B]

He's in the woods with an Whatever's.

[A]

In my head on a piece of paper, and then I get a blank fucking check to make whatever version of it I see fit. I'm happy as a child in a candy store every day I'm on set.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And he wants to make everyone say.

[B]

You only want to make 10 movies.

[A]

Because in his opinion. And I'm. I learned of this, his intent to stop making after 10 movies. I was having dinner with him and BJ Novak, just the three of us. It was lovely evening. And somehow that came up and he's like, no, I'm going to turn 60 and I'm going to make my 10th movie, and I'm done. We were like, whoa, that is really. And we were both. Come on. You know, I'm telling you this, that the other. And here's what he did say. And he sort of said this in the years since, but I've never heard him really say it. But I know he said it to us. He said, after that, I will become a Man of Letters. And I was like, I didn't go to college. What does that mean?

[B]

And he was like, he's just going to write letters.

[A]

I'm going to write a C and then an X.

[B]

You're gonna become the Count.

[A]

Maybe some stuff with an umlaut.

[B]

Doesn't look like you're gonna become the Count.

[A]

And so he focus on writing more than directing, Writing movies, writing books.

[B]

Books.

[A]

He's. He's did the novelization of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I don't know if you read that.

[B]

He wrote it already.

[A]

Oh, years ago. It was. It's terrific. It's the story, you know, but there's so much more. Because it's a book.

[B]

He wrote it.

[A]

Of course he wrote it.

[B]

Me? No, no, this.

[A]

Oh, Petey, Wow. You gotta read it.

[B]

Like, deleted scenes. It's the only movie I have on my phone then. Because I can always watch.

[A]

Read the book.

[B]

I will.

[A]

It's very good. So he's gonna write more books. I think he's gonna write some plays. He may write, like, a miniseries that maybe he'll produce. But at this point, I am now believing him that he's got one more movie in him and his timelines close. I think he's around 60, but, yeah, I think we got one more left. And that's how he wants to do it. And look, he's been doing.

[B]

We're full circle. This is the retirement thing.

[A]

Yeah. He's been doing the thing that he wants to do for so many years of his life. Now he's. You know, it's troubling because he'll. He'll say things like when he finishes a movie like, oh, when I want to do the Vega Brothers. Oh, when I want to do Kill Bill Volume three. And, oh, I want to do the prequel to Inglorious Battle Bastards. And none of These things ever happen, at least not as films. So it is my belief that after he stops making films, he will write the book versions of these things. He will publish the Vega Brothers. He will publish Kill Bill Volume 3, unless that turns out to be his 10th film.

[B]

And then everyone will read it and be like, should be a pretty good movie.

[A]

Pretty good movie.

[B]

Wouldn't be a pretty good movie.

[A]

Well, maybe he'll put stuff in there where he's like, these can be adapted into movies. And after I'm dead. That wouldn't strike me as something that he would shy away from.

[B]

So tell me another.

[A]

Okay, here's. People often ask me, what is he like as a director? And here is the best example of that that I can give. And apologies to other people who've heard me talk about this on other podcasts, but it's too good a story. And if you've heard it, get ready to hear it again. So in the film, one of the first times we really see the bastards in action is when Donnie Donowitz comes out with the bat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, you know, Fenway Pack, Teddy. Ball game. Yeah. Yeah. So.

[B]

My buddy, he loves us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He does this in a lot of movies. Yeah. The thumb over the shoulder.

[A]

Over the shoulder.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of.

[A]

I always thought he was doing, like, a Brando thing with Aldo Rain. I never asked him about it specifically. The only thing we ever talked about in terms of performance, we talked about accents, because he was. He's giving. He was doing a little twang.

[B]

He did in another movie, too. Yeah, I'm gonna do this. Quentin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is the voice I'm gonna do a little bit. Who cut my throat? It's never established.

[A]

You want to know the answer? It wasn't cut the backstory for this car.

[B]

It was a hang.

[A]

It was a hanging. His. He said, I'm a mountain man, direct from, you know, Jim Bridger. So he's from Appalachia, Mississippi, somewhere.

[B]

I'm from Appalachia.

[A]

And the backstory there is some years earlier in his younger life, he saw a couple of black men being mistreated. Basically, they were going to try to get lynched by some, you know, racists in the area. And he stepped in.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And they saved their lives. And in the process, they hung him. Not enough to kill him, just enough to teach him a lesson.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And that's how he got the scar on his neck.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There you go. Breaking news.

[B]

That would be in the book, probably.

[A]

So, anyways, it's us in that ditch where, you know, we've got the Nazi prisoners and we're trying to get information out of them. And so that was the first thing we really shot, like the first big thing we shot. And so it's day one of that. We were there for, I think, six or seven days. It's a big scene. There's a lot to shoot, a lot to cover. He takes his time because he can. So we're there and I don't know if you remember my portion of that scene. Yes. I'm laughing and, you know, that's when he says, you know, all right, what's my character's name? Hirsch.

[B]

Brown.

[A]

You know, send over that sergeant. That crowd sergeant, you know, I mean, that means you. And so he goes over and then he gets, you know, beaten to death. You know, that portion of the scene, as it happens, this scene was a bit larger than that initially. I had quite a bit of back and forth.

[B]

You got Steve Jobs.

[A]

I got Steve Jobs. Like I said, it's happened to me plenty. So it's part of the job. I don't take it personally.

[B]

Part of the job.

[A]

Part of the job. Job. So we had a little bit of back and forth there. So he says, you know, Archburg sent over that Kraut sergeant. And so as scripted and as shot, you know, I'm holding my rifle, the guy's on his knees. Wonderful actor. Richard Samuel is the actor's name who played Sergeant. Oh, no, it's too early for me. Ratchman. Sergeant Ratchman. So he's. I do want to point out we.

[B]

Started at 10am I don't know what time it is. And Sam is 40 years old and keeps complaining. I. Katie and I had a good laugh about how you were like, 10am.

[A]

10Am I got three hours sleep last night. It's true. What? I can't. I have to come back to the bastard story. I got three hours sleep last night. Ask me, why do you only get three hours? You're not going to believe the answer to this question.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because my wife and I were binging Downton Abbey.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And we were like two episodes away from finishing this sixth season. And it was like two in the morning. I was like, God damn it. Fine, let's finish it. I'm not going to bed. I'll be thinking about it all night. Let's do it. Wow. And the last one is like two hours long. And we did it. We stayed up and it was like 4:45.

[B]

This is why you were drinking a Red Bull when you came to the.

[A]

Door up and do Pete Holmes. And he's gonna. But you could have pushed it out, your energy.

[B]

You sure did.

[A]

You brought the good energy.

[B]

You mirrored it. You mirrored it. And you declined the free magic mind beverage.

[A]

Oh, no, I'm going to use that in the car.

[B]

I'm going to freebase. It'll get you. It's going to be free pizza.

[A]

So anyway, back to Bastards. The great guy playing the sergeant, Sergeant Ratchman, Richard Samuel. So he says, al Lorenza Hirschberg, send that crowd sergeant over. And so here's as scripted. I say, that means you, cupcake. And he does not respond. And then I am supposed to bang him in the back with the butt of my rifle. And then I say, when the lieutenant says, move, you move. And he still doesn't, he still doesn't react to that. And then I am to grab him by his hair, yank him up to his feet. And he turns around at me and looks at me and we have a little bit of a stare down. And then I, you know, I look, I said, what? You know. And when the lieutenant's talking, you get over there and then he, you know, turns around and he walks over. And then, you know, the rest of the scene, he sits down, he has the talk with Aldo Donowitz comes out, beats him.

[B]

Interesting. I wonder if it was another moment, because all the hate that we have or the desire for to watch this guy get hit at the baseball bat, which is a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll admit that when I was watching that scene, it was, it was difficult. I know. He's a Nazi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In a movie. Still, I'm, I'm kind of like, like seeing somebody bound and, and killed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is never fun. No, I, I, I, I always get nervous when I talk this way. I'm just saying as a moviegoer and also not to. Yes, I get it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wonder if your part was to help us remember. This guy's a fucking piece of shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? And the look he's gonna give you is like, disgust and he's an asshole. And he fucking. All that.

[A]

Yeah. The movie was like five hours. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He shoots everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then figures it out in the edit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we go to do that portion of the scene for the first time, and he's got the camera up at the top looking down. It's kind of a medium wide, and he's all the way up there with the camera. He doesn't have a video village. He always stands by the camera and either watches in a little viewfinder on the side of the camera, or he watches the actors because he trusts Bob Richardson as DP to get the shot right? So we do the first take of that, and cut, cut, cut. And because he's all the way up there, it takes him like, two minutes to run over where the ladder is, climb all the way down there, come over to talk to his actors.

[B]

And Brad Pitt's next to you going like, look at this dumb.

[A]

Brad Pitt's like, I think Moneyball will be my next movie.

[B]

Was it?

[A]

Yeah, it sure was. At least the next movie he shot.

[B]

He takes out the book.

[A]

Michael Lewis, you've done it again, so.

[B]

You got a lot of names.

[A]

He runs. He runs down and he comes over to me and he pulls me away from all the other actors. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, okay? You're some fucking American Jewish kid. This guy is a fucking sergeant in the Nazi army, okay? He would kill you with his bare fucking hands if he could. And the only thing stopping him from doing that is the fact that you are holding the rifle. He's not. And there are 12 other rifles around him. Him. He knows one wrong move and he's gonna get blasted to hell. That's the only thing stopping him from killing you. And you know that. You want him to make a move. You want an excuse to tell your fucking lieutenant. What could I do, Lieutenant? He was anti. He came at me. I put a hole through his chest. You're looking for the excuse, man. I need to feel the. The fire. I need to feel the want from you that you want this guy to make a move so you can put a hole in his neck. And I was like, done. And then he goes over to Richard and pulls him aside, and I do not know what they're saying. And then the last thing he says right before he goes back, as he goes, okay, nobody talk to each other. Stay in the moment. And then he runs back up to the stairs, runs over the thing, okay? I had action. And we go to do the scene a second time. And now Hirschberg, send that crowd sergeant over. And that means you, cupcake. And now I'm fucking in it. Now it's fire. And I bang him so hard, I know I kind of hurt him when I bang him with the butt of the rifle. Sergeant Sage lights in and says, you move. You move. And I yank him up to his feet. And he turns around, he's staring at me. And I got my rifle. And it's a moment, and it's going on way longer than it did last time. And I'm looking at him, and he's looking at me.

[B]

What? What?

[A]

I start poking him in the chest with the butt or with the. With the front of the other rifle. He's looking at me. And it's a moment, and it goes on so long. And finally stops, fixes his jacket, turns and walks away. And then they get another little piece, and then the scene ends. Oh, God. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Do that again. Do that again. We're gonna go again. And then he comes over and I say, richard, what did he tell you? And he said, oh. He told me that when I turn around and you point the gun at me, that if I didn't believe that, you'd really shoot me, that I should try to grab the gun away from you. And then that would be the new scene, and he'd rewrite it.

[B]

And then that would be the new scene, and I'd rewrite it in the woods.

[A]

In the woods, in the middle of nowhere in Germany.

[B]

We need 10 minutes.

[A]

Yep. Because he. He needed something authentic.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And if we couldn't get to the authentic thing he wanted, he'd find the authentic thing we could do, and he'd make that the scene and what he wanted. And what he wanted.

[B]

Well, we'll edit that story. You.

[A]

I think you should.

[B]

I didn't like it.

[A]

I think you should edit.

[B]

I don't like you.

[A]

Oh, well, the feeling is mutual. You're too tall. You know, when I listen to your podcast, and I listen to it all the time, like I've said for many, many, many years. Big fan.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

When you laugh, it is so Dudley Moore Arthur esque.

[B]

Dudley Moore Arthur. Arthur.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because you. You haven't really done it much today, but as recent as I would have liked to. That's on me. That's on me. As recent as Chris Parnell. You do the. You do that. And I'm so bummed you didn't do it today. I was ready to call you out. You do that.

[B]

Arthur is one of the movies I watched as a youngin. And I think it was one of the first times I saw my dad's cognitive dissonance, meaning the movie was making him laugh half. And then he felt the need to be my father and be like, it's sad when somebody drinks like that.

[A]

I'm like, did he say that with.

[B]

With a drink? You know, it's really quite sad. No, I've never done my dad with, like, a cartoony drunk slur. Let me tell you. Let me tell you something.

[A]

Is your dad Andre the giant T.

[B]

La Very similar voice. Arthur is a very sad man. I prefer the remake. I'm just kidding. It felt mean. I didn't mean it to be mean, but nobody prefers the sequel. There we go. There's lots of ways. Arthur on the rocks. Arthur on the rocks.

[A]

That's the sequel.

[B]

Well, Sammy and the Machine, I do have somewhere to be unfortun. Look, Parnell went too. You've gone, too.

[A]

I killed kid. I kid.

[B]

Plus, you have a nap to take. You have a nap now.

[A]

I'm gonna push through.

[B]

You are?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the way to do it. Yeah. It's all always better.

[A]

Caffeinate. I said it in front of you. What caffeinate you're gonna tolerate.

[B]

Give it a shake.

[A]

But it says take alongside your morning caffeine.

[B]

Well, because it has adaptogens that ease.

[A]

It also says best served chilled. And it's been sitting here.

[B]

Well, that's not my fault. What, do you want me to record the podcast in a fridge?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On the off chance the guest doesn't drink the magic mine that I tossed him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, look, this is great. You know, the question's coming.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Can you tell me the hardest time, which is not the correct way to say it? The hardest time.

[A]

The hardest time.

[B]

You've laughed. That's how we ask it.

[A]

I know, and I have laughed very hard many, many times in my life, but the one time I remember laughing to tears. There's a small story, and then I'll explain the rest of it. So we didn't cover any of this. And seriously, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, thank you for not making me go over my life story again. I've. Yeah, I've done it on so many podcasts.

[B]

We didn't do it. I didn't ask you one. Freaky.

[A]

One Freaky. Geeky. There was question zero, freaking zero. If you want to hear that, go.

[B]

To any other podcast. You want to hear us talk about red balloons, Marshmallows? Come here.

[A]

So I was a standup comedian when.

[B]

I was Bar mitzvahs.

[A]

Yes, Bar mitzvahs.

[B]

And some bat mitzvah.

[A]

And some bat Banai mitzvahs.

[B]

Is the plural Banai?

[A]

Banai.

[B]

Banai mitzvahs.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

I had a tumor. It was a banai. Oh, Mitzvah.

[A]

And then they asked the two people Jewish, and it was that. It was that holiday. So the. The. What's the. Okay. I started going to the Friars Club, the New York Friars Club, when I was 16 years old. My My. My comedy stand up comedy godfathers Elon Gold and Jeffrey Ross were instrumental in me getting stage time, developing an actual and all that. And then they brought me into the Friars Club. And there are no teenagers hanging out in the Friars Club for good reason. This is the mid-90s, and I'm in there and, you know, it's Dick Capri, Freddie Roman, Alan King. They're holding court there every day. And I get in there and I'm blown away. Like, these are old Borscht belt comics and they're just hanging out, having a drink, telling stories. I love comedy. I love jokes. And the part of the story that bums me out is I can't remember which these altecockers told the joke.

[B]

Altecockers.

[A]

That's a great word. You should have. It's a yiddishy old man.

[B]

Altecocker.

[A]

Yeah, Very old. So I don't remember which of them told the joke, but I remember the joke and they told the joke and I laughed so hard. I'm crying at the table. And then all the other these old comics are at the table. Jeez. Thank you. Never heard a joke before. I couldn't get it together. I'm laughing so hard.

[B]

You're in the water at Club Dread, basically. But it's laughter.

[A]

But it's laughter. And I can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard. It was just something about sex. Joke. It's a street joke.

[B]

Street joke.

[A]

It's a street joke.

[B]

He just told a street joke.

[A]

One of the comics told a street joke joke, and it made me laugh so hard. And if when I'm in a bad mood, when things are not going my way, I will tell this joke out loud to myself.

[B]

Well, you know the joke.

[A]

Oh, of course I know the joke.

[B]

Oh, I thought this whole time you didn't know.

[A]

I will. I will. I will tell the joke to no one, to myself in the car, and it automatically puts me in a better mood.

[B]

Tell me the joke.

[A]

Of course I will tell you the joke. Now, before I do, my dear friend, Kevin Pollock, he tells this joke, and I love that he tells this joke. He doesn't tell quite the same version that I know, but I didn't want him to hear me on this podcast and be like, he's stealing my joke. I love the joke. I love the way Kevin tells it. This is the way I heard it. This is the way I tell it to myself. And here is the joke. It is a little, you know, mean, but so be it. So guys at a bar and it's getting. It's getting late and he needs to get laid. And, you know, it's closing time. He's looking around. All the. All the good options are there, and the only lady he, you know, gets any interest from is old, kind of heavy. Well, something's better than nothing. All right, so he takes her and go back to his place, takes her home. You know, she's happy to go with him and.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And, and. And so, you know, he's trying to get her warmed up. So he starts going down on her and, you know, she's older and heavier and, you know, he's going to town really trying to get her warmed up, and he falls in and, you know, and he's in there and he's, you know, kind of panicky and he's. He's feeling around and he's trying to find his way out, and all of a sudden he feels another arm. Oh, my God, there's another guy in here. He says, this is crazy. I don't know what happened. I was going down. I fell in. How long have you been here? The guy said, I've been here a while. He says, son of a bitch. Well, you know, let's work together. Let's, let's. Let's try to find our way out. The guy says, to hell with that. Help me find my car keys. We'll drive out.

[B]

Oh, my God. So many things are going through my mind. One of them is how that joke was told in the 90s. Like we're. You know what I mean? You told the 20th, 2022. You know, it's amazing that you were even able to tell the joke. But the way that that joke was told in the 90s was probably a disaster.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It was a modern day.

[A]

It was an aristocrat.

[B]

It was an aristocrat.

[A]

I'm. I'm.

[B]

You're being very polite. The queef. I'm giving the queef for the clean, clean queef. Help me find my car keys, we'll drive out. Yeah, is very funny.

[A]

It's. I. Sometimes I just have to say the punchline.

[B]

Help me find my car keys.

[A]

Help me find my car keys.

[B]

I hope we're in a dire situation one day like Club Dread. What is this, a fat joke? And we're hiding in a closet and I'm just like, help me find my car keys, we'll drive out. And you laugh, you and it. And yeah, that's. That's a hilarious, inappropriate time to make a joke in a movie like Club Dead.

[A]

Sort of the problem Is. I almost don't tell my friends that, because if someone.

[B]

If someone says, if we're at the altar glassless.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Help me find my car case that will get me. And your wife is to be. Is coming up, and you just laugh.

[A]

In her face, I start laughing. I have to excuse myself, leave the room. I come back, tears streaming down my face.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Made it.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Sorry I didn't laugh like Arthur.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

What a great answer. I thought that whole time, by the way, you didn't know the joke because as a fan of the show, you'll know. Oftentimes people are like, I don't remember what it was. Which is fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they don't have to, but you knew what it was. Help me find my car keys.

[A]

The problem is, since the very first time I heard you ask a guest that question, of course I remember thinking, I wonder if I could tell that story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If that is an offensive joke or not.

[B]

No, I think it worked.

[A]

I think it worked.

[B]

Of course it worked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was wonderful. And I'm glad you did it. And I'm glad you listened to the show. And would you say. Would you say it? That felt rushed, Sam.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Would you say.

[A]

You know, I'll say it.

[B]

Keep it.

[A]

You don't have to.

[B]

Okay. I'm just. Would you say the Pete Holmes show?

[A]

Oh, I missed the Pete Holmes.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

We didn't even talk about it. It was really fun.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

It was super fun. And this is the backdrop. I'm taking it home.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you, you, you. No, I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep it.

[A]

That's what you think.

[B]

It lights up.

[A]

Hey, Pete.

[B]

Yeah?

[A]

Keep it crispy.

[B]

Cut. Perfect. Let's do it again. You're a little Jewish.

[A]

Nothing from.

[B]

From.

[A]

Were we not rolling on that at all? Do we have to do it all over again?

[B]

Because we love making podcasts.

[A]

It.