Steph Tolev

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Steph Tolev
Date: August 6, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features comedian Steph Tolev, whose new Netflix special "Filth Queen" is out now. Pete and Steph dive into the unique strangeness that makes each comic tick, openly riffing on bodily functions, stand-up comedy, the AVN porn awards, trolls (online and IRL), Canadian showbiz, and the discomforts of life – all served up with quick wit and mutual admiration.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Compliments

• Pete sets a playful, unfiltered tone with Steph by immediately talking about bodily humor, ("Magic Mind" drink joke, bathroom humor) [01:11–02:00].
• Pete praises Steph's comedic style, describing her work as “a delightful, bouncy house of chuckles” and “very lean, very quick” [05:26].
• Steph reveals she only watched two specials in preparation for hers – and Pete’s was one [02:58].

"Your comedy is kind of like, in a very good way... it's like tripping over itself. Not too fast, but not slow, just bouncing."
— Pete Holmes [04:30]

2. Bill Burr and Getting a Special

• Both discuss how Bill Burr’s support paved the way for Steph’s Netflix special [03:10].
• Pete relays a story about Burr’s awkwardly delivered but meaningful praise [03:22–03:57].

"He's so reluctant to say nice things... but he will."
— Pete Holmes [03:38]

3. Comedy, Filth, and Confidence

• Appreciative exchange about each other's ability to go “gross” and the liberation of not censoring oneself on stage [15:44–16:07].
• Discussion about audience perceptions: people regularly mistake Steph for being gay because of her confidence and mullet (she’s not) [11:04–11:46].

"I think you're so confident—Is that an attribute of lesbians?"
— Pete Holmes [11:23]
"I think so. Confidence and, I don't know, boldness—I get. And the hair. It is the mullet."
— Steph Tolev [11:30]

4. Bodily Humor & Filth, AKA Steph’s Sweet Spot

• Jokes abound about urethras, hairy nips, drinking pee (with reference to wellness fads and Nikki Glaser), and the prudishness of language [06:07–08:44].

"People are selling pee. People are drinking their own pee every morning."
— Steph Tolev [06:41]
"There's no scientific evidence to support drinking urine having any health benefits."
— ChatGPT, via Pete [08:31]

5. AVN Porn Awards & The Reality of Porn

• Steph’s experience hosting the AVN Awards: the community is surprisingly supportive and positive compared to “bitchy” comedy awards [20:07–22:34].
• Discussion about porn as art, piracy, and why industry professionals seldom get protected or compensated for their work [30:23–32:38].

"Every single thing you see in a porn, there's an award...Best blow job. Best anal. It's crazy."
— Steph Tolev [20:51]

"Nobody cares what this guy [porn hosting site owner] is doing. No president could run on 'I will get money for these milfs.'”
— Pete Holmes [32:18]

6. Fitness, Body Image, and Canadian Upbringing

• Steph discusses losing weight, stress about her special not getting into Netflix’s Top 10, and the lack of support from Canadian media despite her being only the fourth Canadian comic with a Netflix hour [46:07–76:18].
• Commentary on Toronto and Canadian comics, including shout-outs to Adam Christie [76:41].
• Pete and Steph swap diet & exercise talk, riffing on digestive woes, “roids,” and “regular girl” fiber supplements [62:25–64:08].

"In Canada, the arts aren’t celebrated or pushed at all. I'm the fourth Canadian ever to have an hour on Netflix... I can't even get a writeup in the Globe and Mail."
— Steph Tolev [74:56–75:24]

7. Crowd Work, Riffing, and Comedy Craft

• Both discuss their approaches to crowd work, riffing, and the difference between improvising and classic crowd work [54:50–57:17].
• Steph feels she uses crowd work as a crutch lately, with audience now often oversharing or trying to shock [55:00–56:13].

"I almost use it as a crutch now because I'm not writing as much as I should..."
— Steph Tolev [57:02]

8. Touring, Bombing, and Comedian Solidarity

• Honest takes on touring: both love Thursday crowds, hate late Saturday shows, and agree having a good opener/sidekick transforms the experience [49:17–79:50].
• Discussion of travel pet peeves, like “the me-ification of culture leading to more farting on airplanes” and general airport grossness [79:19–80:09].

9. Misogynistic Online Trolls & The Reality of Women in Comedy

• Steph describes near-daily trolling by men on Facebook and Instagram, mostly targeting her looks, sexuality, and confidence – frequently by “dads with family photos” [85:09–86:14].
• Pete and Steph dissect why strong women draw anger, linking it to entrenched misogyny [86:06–87:17].

"Every day I wake up, I open my phone to: I’m ugly, I’m trans, my nose is Toucan Sam... Over and over."
— Steph Tolev [85:12]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On porn industry hypocrisy:

  "A Home Depot commercial I did, I still get a check. That [porn] looks harder."
  — Pete Holmes [32:20]

• On Canadian media neglect:

  "Not a single newspaper. Nothing. I was on the front page of LA Times entertainment, can’t get a write-up in the Globe and Mail."
  — Steph Tolev [75:18]

• On dying and staying present:

  "I should be happy with what I have now... I'm happy he's here. I'm happy I'm coming to the podcast today."
  — Steph Tolev [95:15]

• On finding purpose and connection:

  "Maybe the meaning of life is to give back—to people—and make people feel good."
  — Steph Tolev [97:46]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:11] – Magic Mind, Drink Jokes & Early Banter
• [02:58] – Steph’s Special Prep: Watching Pete’s Special
• [03:10] – Bill Burr and Getting a Netflix Special
• [05:26] – Pete’s Dissection of Steph’s Comedy Style
• [11:04] – Stereotypes, Confidence, and the Mullet
• [15:44] – Going Gross on Stage, Opening the “Filthy” Comedy Door
• [20:07] – Steph Hosts the AVN Awards
• [30:23] – Porn, Piracy, and Societal Hypocrisy
• [46:07] – Steph’s Anxiety Over Netflix Rankings & Canadian Obscurity
• [54:50] – Comedy Craft: Crowd Work and Improvisation
• [62:25] – Digestive Woes & Fiber Rituals
• [79:19] – Touring, Bombing, Travel Disgust
• [85:09] – Extreme Online Trolling, Sexism, and Misogyny in Comedy
• [95:06] – Late Night Anxiety and Finding Meaning in Life
• [99:58] – Stories of Connection Beyond Death
• [101:53] – The Joke that Made Steph Want to Do Stand-Up: Richard Belzer Piano Bit

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Highlight: Steph’s Favorite Stand-Up Moment

"Richard Belzer... The crowd is going crazy, he goes, 'I'd love to play, I can't play the piano,' and then stands up. It was the funniest stand-up thing I've ever seen."
— Steph Tolev [102:20]

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Closing Thoughts

Pete and Steph’s conversation is a testament to comedic camaraderie: quick, candid, and unafraid to swing between the filthy, the sincere, and the subversively silly. Whether discussing the lack of respect for adult performers, the challenges of being a woman in comedy, or just the eternal pain of persistent hemorrhoids, they find laughs—and meaning—in every crevice of life.

"There's a gift in a free person... reporting back on your experience joyfully, without fear, is itself a message."
— Pete Holmes [97:48]

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Steph’s Special "Filth Queen" is streaming now on Netflix.

Closing:
Steph: "Keep it crispy." [103:44]

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For full tour dates: peteholmes.com. For more on Steph: check out her special and catch her on social media (if she hasn’t blocked you yet).

Transcript

[Steph Tolev]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Yes. You made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos?

[Podcast Announcer]

This is the hilarious Steph Tolev, who has a new special out on Netflix right now called Filth Queen. She is hilarious. I also just saw her on tires. She killed it on tires. She's so funny. I'm so glad you're here. As I always say, let's get to it. Let's jump in. All I have to plug up top is my tour dates. I'm going to be in Washington, D.C. followed by Boston, New Hampshire, Spokane, Washington, St. Louis, Missouri, Cleveland, Florida at the Miami Improv, Chicago, Homestead, Pennsylvania, New York, New York. We finally got New York, New York on the calendar.

[Pete Holmes]

And Atlantic City, New Jersey.

[Podcast Announcer]

Go to peteholmes.com for tickets to all of those at.

[Pete Holmes]

In the meantime. Oops, I touched the camera. Who cares?

[Podcast Announcer]

In the meantime, enjoy my chat with the wonderful, hilarious Steph Tolev. Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome.

[Steph Tolev]

I also get sponsored by Magic Mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's just out of love.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, you knew. How you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Although they don't pay for the placement. Cuz I really do want the guest to drink it. Will you drink it?

[Steph Tolev]

I'll drink it.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I will.

[Pete Holmes]

That seems weird.

[Steph Tolev]

No, you're forcing me. Wow. Yeah. Thanks for having me on Pod. Drink the Magic Mind. I'll drink it.

[Pete Holmes]

Make a.

[Steph Tolev]

Did you drink yours or you fake it?

[Pete Holmes]

I did drink it.

[Steph Tolev]

I wish I watched cuz I don't know if I. I did and I.

[Pete Holmes]

Don'T like when I shook it real good. These are fresh.

[Steph Tolev]

Are these.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a lot.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The. The Morgan J. I don't think he'd mind saying cuz I said do you need to use the bathroom?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you said imagine if I took a big ship.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, I was gonna say. I said crap cuz there's children in your yard.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

But I was gonna say a big fat load of. But I couldn't say load of. Oh yeah. Cuz I don't take.

[Pete Holmes]

Want to try? I'm trying to be better about starting with compliments. And you're so funny.

[Steph Tolev]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so glad you're here.

[Steph Tolev]

Thanks for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

You talked about being a troll in Los Angeles and then you go. It's this line that like on the album I was listening to, I'm not well album.

[Steph Tolev]

What the hell?

[Pete Holmes]

Why Deal with it.

[Steph Tolev]

It's old.

[Pete Holmes]

Deal with it.

[Steph Tolev]

What the heck?

[Pete Holmes]

You Want to know why? Cuz I was in the car. And the Netflix special, which I also watched, but the album sounded better in the car.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, I want.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's good.

[Steph Tolev]

Bizarre.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't like it?

[Steph Tolev]

I can't listen to that anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

I stand by it. I turn into political. I know you don't stand by that anymore.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I still believe my big fat load shits, but I just feel like I'm not. I don't know, it's hard to listen.

[Pete Holmes]

To all stuff that's from 2020 or something. 2019.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I guess I just feel like I'm like, so much different now. And I'm like, no, I don't know. I watched your full special. It was amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

The same.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, I only watched like two specials. Getting ready for mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Slow down.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Take your time.

[Steph Tolev]

You're like, take your time with this. I really want to hear the compliment. Yeah. I only watched two specials preparing for mine, and yours was one of them.

[Pete Holmes]

No kidding. Yeah, well, you know. No, no kidding. That's amazing. And Bill Burr also produced mine.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, that's. I think that's.

[Pete Holmes]

People were like, how did you get a Netflix special? And I was like, bill Burr.

[Steph Tolev]

That's exactly what I said. I'm like, do I have to make it any more clear? It wasn't just me. It simply was Bill. Yeah. We need Bill in our corner. He's a good guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He is a good guy. I've this story before, but after it came out, he called or. I don't know if it was a voicemail. I think it was a voicemail because I'm. I don't know. I was about to make a joke. Like, I'm too scared to answer. That's not true.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's sweet.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. You want to answer that call?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I must have just been flying or something. I got a voicemail from Bill and it was like. He's so reluctant to say nice things, but he will. It sounds like he's being tortured now. People, you gotta give chances to good people, and that's where you are. He's like, getting off the phone and you're good.

[Steph Tolev]

I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a dad that says, I love you as he's hanging out.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. After 45 years. Yeah, he. Yeah, he, he. I never hear him say things about me, but I. Someone will, like, take a clip from, like, I don't know, some weird podcast or some weird radio interview where he's saying something super nice, and they sent it to me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, I love that.

[Steph Tolev]

Sorry about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, heard it, heard it. We've been bugging our comedy dad.

[Steph Tolev]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And we get all the intel. But what I like what I was bringing up about the. I'm trying to compliment the troll. The troll line. And you say, it's hard to crawl out of my well every morning.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you say, moss. It's hard to get a grip on moss. I want to give you a very specific compliment. Is your comedy is sort of like, in a very good way. Obviously, this is a compliment. It's like tripping over itself. It's like you're going very. Not too fast, but you're not going. Like, you know how trolls live in a well? Like, you're not. You're not going.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah. You just say everybody. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Pete Holmes]

Saying, yeah, you're going. Like, when you did the joke about the cabbage diet, you did a joke about being on a cabbage diet. I'm. I'm saying when I say classic comedian, I don't mean. This is what you should be doing. A classic comedian would be like, let's take Seinfeld. Would be like, the cabbage diet is a diet where you ate nothing but soap, right? You don't do that. You just go, cabbage. So diet you. So for breakfast, and you're, like, in. And, like, if you missed it, you miss it. You missed it.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, you. And a lot of people miss it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's not. That would be very funny if I was just setting you up for, like. And let me tell you, a lot of people miss it.

[Steph Tolev]

I had to rewind 12 times.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, you're not wasting. I guess here's a nice way to say it. There's no fat on it. It's very lean. It's very quick. And, like, when you get into your rhythm, it's a delightful, like, bouncy house of chuckles.

[Steph Tolev]

Bouncy house of chuckles.

[Pete Holmes]

I hated it.

[Steph Tolev]

Is that my name?

[Pete Holmes]

I hated it as I said it. I'm glad you like it because I hated it when it came out of my face. Is it creepy?

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

When I said go slower, the compliment was kind of creepy. And then when I told you to drink the magic, I chugged it.

[Steph Tolev]

And then I hit it. Sorry, I did. I don't know why I hit it.

[Pete Holmes]

I drank it right behind your Vita cocoa.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow. Also sponsored you. Also sponsored by Target Water. That's why it's hiding.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why it doesn't get.

[Steph Tolev]

That's why?

[Pete Holmes]

It's not out here. The good and gather. Is there anything sadder than this?

[Steph Tolev]

There is, yes. Have you ever been to Canada? You have a brand called no Name.

[Pete Holmes]

No Name?

[Steph Tolev]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

That feels like a choice. Choice. No Choice.

[Steph Tolev]

It's a big choice.

[Pete Holmes]

A big choice.

[Steph Tolev]

And it's called no Name and it's yellow, so you really see it.

[Pete Holmes]

What? Oh, the. The font is yellow.

[Steph Tolev]

The font. It's piss. It's no Name piss. We don't know whose PP it is. It's the prime ministers. It's true.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes a lot. We should be selling pp.

[Steph Tolev]

We should.

[Pete Holmes]

People are.

[Steph Tolev]

People are selling pb.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Steph Tolev]

People are selling pp. People are drinking on PP every morning.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

People don't sell people.

[Steph Tolev]

There's comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. I'll tell you off air.

[Pete Holmes]

Nikki Glaser. It's.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, Nikki.

[Pete Holmes]

Say it or you're going to think it's Nikki. I'm just kidding. I thought Nikki, because she looks fabulous. And I was like, is that her secret?

[Steph Tolev]

Then I'm going to start drinking my piss right now. I'll put a straw right in my urethra right now. If I can look at Nikki Glaser, I swear to God.

[Pete Holmes]

It shouldn't be called a urethra, boys. You should be a herethro.

[Steph Tolev]

That's nicer. That's. That's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like that. It's the same word.

[Steph Tolev]

Urethra is disgusting, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, do boys have areolas?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not. We should have hariola. Okay. No.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow. Wow. You're trying a little too hard. These are all written beside you. These are the nose. He's like, Harry.

[Pete Holmes]

How sad would that be? We hold up the notes and it says, hurry through hair. Ola.

[Steph Tolev]

You knew I'd bring up piss at some point.

[Pete Holmes]

And I got that from your bit.

[Steph Tolev]

You got that.

[Pete Holmes]

Hairy nips.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, Hairy nips. Hairy nips.

[Pete Holmes]

I. What were you going to say? Oh, people are selling. Who? You don't have to tell me. That's not.

[Steph Tolev]

No, but I would say people are drinking their own piss. Apparently it's good for you to have, like a shot every morning of your freshest.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't buy.

[Steph Tolev]

It's real. I look it up. I'm not making this up.

[Pete Holmes]

I guarantee if we ask the Internet, it'll say, you know, opinions vary.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

On the effect of the efficacy. Do you want to. Let's do it.

[Steph Tolev]

But do it. And I feel like there is. It's supposed to be like a healing thing. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This sounds.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm not doing.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Nobody thinks you're the pee pee lady. This is the podcast that changes your career. You become the. Okay, we're gonna ask. I've heard, although I'm skeptical, that drinking a shot, like a three ounce shot of your fresh urine every morning has healing properties. Is there any truth to that?

[Steph Tolev]

There's no scientific evidence to support the idea that drinking urine has any health benefits.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew that.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

[Steph Tolev]

No worries. It's important to rely on evidence based information when it comes to health practices. If you have any health concerns or are looking for ways to improve your well.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I. Can we make it very clear for my chat GBT history that I was not asking for myself. I have no interest in that and I don't want you to think that about me.

[Steph Tolev]

Got it. I understand if you want. Wow. That's creepy as hell.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't use the chat chip. You should use it.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't need that in there. I got my.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it funny? I was. I did shows in Houston. Give it enough Cuckoo bananas was very funny. I'm trying to keep up with your face. I'm trying to sync with you. I've already had to merge with you and a magmind vag mind.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Oh, I was going to. I was going to do a big act out where I pretend to drink it down there and then I liked it.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it body temp. Vagine.

[Steph Tolev]

See, that's pee pee. That's its own kind of piss.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm proud. I feel like there was a time on this show you would have said that and I might have looked into it and started guzzling down that warm pee pee. I also talked to someone recently that was like 3 ounces of olive oil and this is like a. I think his name is Dr. Gundry. That's not a recommendation. But he's an Internet doctor. That's always like, you should drink my olive oil. All other olive oils are poison. And three ounces of this olive oil. And we were like. My friend who's a doctor was there brag. And we were like, there's no way drinking 3 ounces of pure fat oil.

[Steph Tolev]

Every morning does what?

[Pete Holmes]

Please just think. Please just think.

[Steph Tolev]

No, that I would think that would just put a nice layer over your shit to get it to slide out quicker. That's what that feels like.

[Pete Holmes]

Lubin that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Greco. Like a weird. Like kind of like it's not in the Coliseum but next door there's the Greased Up Wrestlers. And it's more of a comedy, you know what I mean?

[Steph Tolev]

And it's packed. People love.

[Pete Holmes]

People love it.

[Steph Tolev]

Excited.

[Pete Holmes]

How erotic would it be for you to watch two men. Women.

[Steph Tolev]

Men. Did you not. Wow. You second guess yourself so fucking bad right there. I get it. I look and sound gay. I am very straight. Okay. Wow. Pete Holmes. How rude is this? Is this how he solves guests?

[Pete Holmes]

I knew it was men too.

[Steph Tolev]

You did. And then you stopped. You stopped looked at me and I'm like, where's he going with this? Wow. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you're straight.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. I watched your special endless new album. It's a lot about being heterosexual.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. And it's a lot of how people think I'm gay. They don't like doing jokes like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that funny? You. You might. I think you're so confident. Is that an attribute of lesbians?

[Steph Tolev]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, confidence.

[Steph Tolev]

Uhhuh. Confidence and. I don't know, boldness I get. And the hair. It is the mullet. It really is the mullet. Not a lot. Not. Well, there are straight women. Most straight women have, you know, more. I think, middle part.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I just. Oh, Katie's got a middle part.

[Steph Tolev]

See, Mid part.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just kind of opening it up. I was gonna say. So two men wrestling in oil. Is that exciting?

[Steph Tolev]

No, it's kind of gross.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Steph Tolev]

Slippy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The oil gets in the crack and now it's in the general population.

[Steph Tolev]

Then I'm picturing it in the ureth. That can't be good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like urethra stuff.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't. Neither do I.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't mean a sex play. I just mean, like, I don't like it.

[Steph Tolev]

No, it's gross.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to think about it.

[Steph Tolev]

I hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes there's procedures where they're.

[Steph Tolev]

I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't.

[Steph Tolev]

When people talk about putting a catheter in sober, I was like, knock me out with a brick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm not going to sit there and.

[Pete Holmes]

Go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I can't be.

[Pete Holmes]

For a colonoscopy, which is. Come on. That's like a road, but that's in the. That's like a road. You can ride a bicycle on that path. It's. It's a. It's a place. It's a tunnel. Yeah, it's the Lincoln Tunnel.

[Steph Tolev]

It's the Lincoln Tunnel.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always back compared to the urethra. The asshole is The Lincoln Tunnel and the. It's a pleasure.

[Steph Tolev]

It's been drilled, it's been run over. It's a farm.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like what Elon Musk wants to make between Europe and America.

[Steph Tolev]

That was like a big tunnel.

[Pete Holmes]

He was shitting and he was like.

[Steph Tolev]

Like he did it 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

They said 20 minutes, but that's what he.

[Steph Tolev]

I read something. 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Your pee pee. That's my new expression. That's drink your pee pee.

[Steph Tolev]

That's drink your side of the intern. Am I on the drinker pee side? I. It's insane. It's not. It'd be bad. I mean, I don't listen to a lot of things he talks about. Do you? Are you a big Elon?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. I've. I've been mentioning Elon Musk enough in my comedy that I've watched cuz I had him in an old special as a reference point for a genius.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Cuz remember, like, I feel like there was a perception that he made Tesla.

[Steph Tolev]

I thought he did.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, exactly. That's what I'm saying.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He invested in Tesla.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

He walked around. You know when they give the guy with the tie a hard hat and he's like this very cool. Like, I can't do his voice. Also his battery car. I can't do it.

[Steph Tolev]

That was good.

[Pete Holmes]

Where's your blood? He wants to drink.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, he drinks his own blood.

[Pete Holmes]

I just need a little of my own blood. Three ounces and piss. And then he asked chatgpt, but it's grok. So it's like yes, Elon. Whatever you say, Elon. And it's like, excellent, excellent, excellent. I'm saying he didn't.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He had nothing to do with the. We should ask. We don't need to. Let's live in the unknowing. I'm pretty sure he came in as the quiche.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The cheater.

[Steph Tolev]

All right, so he wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Steph Tolev]

In there with forceps.

[Pete Holmes]

No, he hasn't. He's never wiped his hands off with a rag going like the battery could be bleeding. The energy a little cleaner. Over the shoulder. Like he's making a sauce.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, over the shoulder, but it's grease. And he's got like just a little bit of marinara on all his fingertips. There's no way. He's never had anything. He said nothing. He's. He's got the cleanest hands on the planet.

[Pete Holmes]

But he did have a meatball sub.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, he did. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was like a blend meatball subs. But it's like pork. You know when a meatball is like, how many animals are in this?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pork. Fennel.

[Steph Tolev]

There's like, a weird piece.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Fennel is that hard piece.

[Steph Tolev]

You had a meatball. That weird, hard thing in there.

[Pete Holmes]

A little crunch.

[Steph Tolev]

What is that?

[Pete Holmes]

Cartilage. Oh, don't care for it.

[Steph Tolev]

Love that. Urethras. Don't care. Cartilage. Don't care. Morgan J. Taking a shit in your house right before.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what we were trying to say.

[Steph Tolev]

But that's what we're trying to say.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you for closing that loop on our Apple watches. Thanks for not wearing an Apple watch. Is there anything sadder than somebody that's.

[Steph Tolev]

Like, oh, you can't.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't.

[Steph Tolev]

What is that?

[Pete Holmes]

This is nothing. Don't worry about it. This is an apology.

[Steph Tolev]

Jesus Christ. You in house arrest? What's happening? Don't worry about it.

[Pete Holmes]

So I got embarrassed that it's another sponsor, but this is called an Apollo. It vibrates. And it can either calm you down or.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, it's not a watch.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. It vibrates. Oh, you'd love it. Vibrator joke.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. You come in and just strapped my purse for no reason. I'm wearing my. Thanks, Pete. I'm wearing my Apollo bed. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I've been listening to your stuff. I'm. I'm in that.

[Steph Tolev]

You're gross now. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I'm not gross. I love being gross. This podcast is gross without you.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But when you're here, and I think this is one of the pleasures of you as a performer is I'm like, oh, good, we can open all the. All the windows, all the holes.

[Steph Tolev]

You set me up for that one. I didn't say the holes.

[Pete Holmes]

Urethra. Are we counting it? Little urethra. Little urethra.

[Steph Tolev]

Little, tiny. But Morgan J. Took a shit in your house. That's what we were trying to say.

[Pete Holmes]

We did it with the speed of a pee. You ever have someone go in your bathroom and they come out and you're like, I don't even need to ask. Not that I was gonna. But that's a number one. And he offered. That was a number two.

[Steph Tolev]

He did.

[Pete Holmes]

And he. He's just. He must be having that olive oil every morning. He is, because it slipped out like a nun. It doesn't do it for us, but some people might be turned on by two guys wrestling. Not.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, a lot of guy. A lot of people.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of people.

[Steph Tolev]

My dad tried to prove a Point recently, I was home because I lost weight and because I counted calories. Psychotic.

[Pete Holmes]

You look super skin.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm starving. I'm so hungry. Don't even start with me. I'm so hungry. I work all the time. I want to kill myself.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's what you're doing.

[Steph Tolev]

I literally work out every single day, and if I don't, I get, like, angry and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

You're addicted to it now.

[Steph Tolev]

I hate it, though. I'm not that kind of person that does it. I'm like, oh, it's done. I'm like, the whole time I'm doing it, I'm pissed. I Blair Law and Order this morning. That's why I was almost running late. I blared an episode of Law and Order and I just watch Stay Learn.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, you're pumping Law and Order.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, SVU only. That's all I watch. It's not normal.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the hard one.

[Steph Tolev]

It's. It. Nothing else.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the hard one. Where they're like iced tea.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man. We found a guy that's. That's been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That word over and over and over.

[Steph Tolev]

That's all. I don't sleep. Oh, yeah. Get him, Stabler. Get him.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, because of the justice porn of it?

[Steph Tolev]

I think so. Yeah. It's nice. It always wraps up. They get the bad guy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the main pleasure of TV. It's over in 90. No, it's an hour hour. What show is 90? I. I work in carpentry. I don't understand.

[Steph Tolev]

I was like, what are you watching, pervert? 90 minute porn.

[Pete Holmes]

I go into porn searches and I go. Length 90 minutes.

[Steph Tolev]

The longer the better.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to know. It took all day. That's what turns me.

[Steph Tolev]

That's what turns me on. How committed they were for that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. How many meals. This was breakfast.

[Steph Tolev]

And yeah, I wanna know what craft. He was on the set.

[Pete Holmes]

Porn crap.

[Steph Tolev]

It is mostly gummy bears.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, because I. That is real. Because the.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I guess? Yes, because you're gonna tell us.

[Steph Tolev]

Guess.

[Pete Holmes]

When my wife was giving birth, she ate a lot of, like, stuff like that that if you barf, you're safe.

[Steph Tolev]

No, not even close. I was like, not even. Not even near. No, it's because when you. Because you're doing a lot of anal, you don't want to have, like, pupukaka.

[Pete Holmes]

So gummy bears, which is made of, like, rich fucking hooves.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. And it, like, disintegrates inside you. It doesn't like Go.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, okay, so if that's what we're going for, couldn't we then have like a hooves? What's that?

[Steph Tolev]

Hooves. Whatever. It's made from the gelatin and hooves.

[Pete Holmes]

Gelatin is a real hot dog. Gets top billing. Is like, don't ask. Like you don't want to see how the sausage is made. How about you don't want to see how jello is made?

[Steph Tolev]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the feet, is it? It's the fucking feet. It's the hooves.

[Steph Tolev]

Ew.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't even some sort of vegetarian agenda. I'm just saying I'll throw down some gummies, but I'm not thinking about it.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm not eating hooves anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Hooves.

[Steph Tolev]

I haven't had Jello in years. I don't know what I'm talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Jello's nuts. Jello is never good.

[Steph Tolev]

It's gross.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fucking gross.

[Steph Tolev]

So is a hair on it. If you have a corset. Jello, it's always a little speck.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're cleaning a hotel bathroom, throw some Jello in there. It'll find it. All of it. It'. It's a future sponge.

[Steph Tolev]

It is a sponge.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a future sponge.

[Steph Tolev]

You are on to something.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a Philip k. Dick. Like 2055. They're cleaning with a brick of red Jello and they're like, can you believe they used to eat this?

[Steph Tolev]

And then, like, pulls out all the grout out of, like, the cracks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You can snake a. A drain with jello. So they eat gummies. Have you?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why did you know that?

[Steph Tolev]

I know a lot of porn stars, but today we had to move back this pod, remember? We had to. We changed.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause you're talking to a porn star.

[Steph Tolev]

A porn star's coming after. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Coming after you for your podcast.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. I hosted the Avian Porn Awards this year.

[Pete Holmes]

How was.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, great. Amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Jim Norton does that sometimes.

[Steph Tolev]

I think. No, I don't know if he did. Not in the last, like, 10 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Well, he's been loving their work for a long time.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, he's involved somehow. He's a shareholder. No, I. I don't know if he is.

[Pete Holmes]

The end in AVN is Norton.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. So Audio Visual Norton. I actually don't. I don't know what.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't video Norton.

[Steph Tolev]

Is that what it is? Does that make sense? Probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't talk to me about it. You know, so I apparently. Listen, did you already do it?

[Steph Tolev]

I did it, Yes. I did it back in January and.

[Pete Holmes]

You're doing it again.

[Steph Tolev]

No, no, I did it, but now I'm friends with these porn stars.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this like you give out golden showers?

[Steph Tolev]

No, they get their. They get. They get. It's crazy. Every. Every single thing you see in a porn, there's an award. Best blow job. Best anal. Best threesome. Best group sex. Best.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not just saying this in, like, a Malcolm Gladwell sort of way. I would like a deep dive into the credential. Like, the. The. Not the credentials. The. What is criteria?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, criteria. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're watching anal scenes. I want. I. I want to know what their length.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I think it's like, a lot. It has to. Acting. A lot has to do with the director.

[Pete Holmes]

Angles.

[Steph Tolev]

Angles.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but the actor wins it. Not the cinematographer, the actor.

[Steph Tolev]

And then I think there is another award for, like, best director. Because then they put some of these. Have you like. Some of these porns are crazy. They're, like, full, like Seagal movies. They look like there's like a whole.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, like Boogie Nights.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, they do like a whole action thing. Or a whole. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they're just going after the AVN right there.

[Steph Tolev]

They want the aviation.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Oscar bait.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're avian bait.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then, like, I. I will concede that because obviously I. I feel myself coming at this from this, like, angle where I'm, like, kind of putting it down. Like, what do you got? Big old Teddy? Yes, putting. I have that instinct.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There are. There's artistic choices being made.

[Steph Tolev]

And I don't think I realized that until seeing all the performers and seeing, like, how they are as a community. They're so supportive. Really, it was insane. Like, I was picturing it, watching it as like, if this is a comedy awards, we all hate people. We're always annoyed somebody else wins. Anyone who won, everyone lost their mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Steph Tolev]

Like, so happy.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Steph Tolev]

It was crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

But how do you know they're not.

[Steph Tolev]

If they're faking it? Well, then they're good.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're very good actors, and they're very good. Then there you go.

[Steph Tolev]

So good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Everyone. It was such a positive experience. That's what I'll say.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, again, trying to check my puritanical porn is naughty thing.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. Because you were.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, Mr.

[Steph Tolev]

Religion.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for sure. And I'm conceding that I still have this sort of like, this is wicked kind of feeling. For sure. I think there's something about, let's say that culture as a whole does think that Porn is nice. Could you say it to camera? I'm just kidding.

[Steph Tolev]

Good piss. It's very tasty.

[Pete Holmes]

Being in pornography is sort of like crossing a threshold. Can we agree with that?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I am a not in pornography person.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I make my first pornography.

[Steph Tolev]

Now you're.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm now a pornography person.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I've crossed. And this isn't judgment. I'm just saying now I have. It's like being a virgin. It's like I am no longer a virgin. I am an on camera Burbank multi cam Gummy bear filled with gummy bears.

[Steph Tolev]

It would be bad. No offense.

[Pete Holmes]

I am not disagreeing with you. Are you nutting my dumb face? And I would insist on those old school guy headshots where I'm like. Like, you're getting. That's a choice.

[Steph Tolev]

That.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's see how he feels. People used to love that. People used to watch porn in the 80s and go, but how does he feel now? We just go, like. I'm assuming he feels pretty good.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, we don't need to see.

[Pete Holmes]

I think he's fine.

[Steph Tolev]

Keep the man's head.

[Pete Holmes]

Inserts of the. Well, porn shoots are all inserts. Hit it.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. You had to.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I had no choice.

[Pete Holmes]

You had to.

[Steph Tolev]

I have to leave the podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I know every shot on a porn is an insert and. Okay. And they would do these inserts of the guy's head.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't like that.

[Pete Holmes]

And it seemed like maybe they would even do them after the fact. You're telling me that they got three cameras on this?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, no, no. And then after he's like, full. He's like, fully clothed here. He says, shirt pull down, going, oh.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S what I mean. That's. He's no longer sweaty.

[Steph Tolev]

He's that craft.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, his hair is better. Sometimes you do see a jump cut in pornography and you're like, what happened?

[Steph Tolev]

I never. I don't. I don't think I've ever watched a full one.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think you even need to see a full. You go, yeah, going to your scrubbing.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm scrubbing right in. I'm not even slowly fast forwarding. I take the little nozzle to the end.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean to be filth again, but it's the end where you're gonna see a jump cut.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because.

[Pete Holmes]

And we know that they're not doing.

[Steph Tolev]

It the whole time.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, but also, the guy had. He couldn't. There's no faking that. No ladies are out there faking.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a certain pay or play sort of to the. To the. The male experience, but one of something. And that's why they'll cut. And sometimes they have like a four hour break where they're eating.

[Steph Tolev]

They're eating, I don't know, sweet green.

[Pete Holmes]

Sweet green.

[Steph Tolev]

The harvest bowl. I love the harvest.

[Pete Holmes]

I think so. That's a good plug. They don't want it. They don't want to be in this conversation.

[Steph Tolev]

Please shut the fuck up.

[Pete Holmes]

Please BLEEP that one thing that I.

[Steph Tolev]

Learned that I thought was really nice on porn site a lot. Not. I don't know how many. Oh, yeah. Sets. A lot of the porn stars like working with each other so much that during the day when they're off camera, they'll still be like fooling around having sex. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you something? You've actually given me a great gift today that. Yes. I was just talking to somebody about the number of things in life. I guess you could call it cognitive dissonance. Just a fancy word of saying, like, I can't know if this is okay. And pornography is one of those things, like, where I'm like, I really hope they like it. I'm not trying to be sweet. I'm saying, like, please.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So, like, there were times in my life where I'm like, I'm only watching girls by themselves because at least I know they know their own feelings and boundaries. And now that you're telling me this, feel better about the occasional part.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Isn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

I want to know this.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I heard at the AVNs at the end, there's a big orgy that they love. They're pros.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, they were. Oh, yeah. They were all.

[Pete Holmes]

Were like, they're pros.

[Steph Tolev]

I got flashed. They were like, what are you doing later? I'm like, I'm not doing this. I'm going back to bed.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if it was Norton, but I've heard that sometimes the host.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, the host is normally a man, so. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I was the first woman in 10 years.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? I mean, very funny. But is there a reason?

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know. I. Well, I got it this year because one of my. I think, you know, the guy who was. He was writing on it, so I got.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you knew the guy?

[Steph Tolev]

Daniel Van Kirk. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Daniel Van Kirk.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. He was writing and he.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna write some porn jokes.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, that's exactly It.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just big, big dick stuff. He's out there. Yeah, he's out there doing big dick stuff.

[Steph Tolev]

He pitched me and they were like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I think Steph tolov would be great. Yeah, it'd be awesome. It'd be. I don't know why I change your pronouns. Yeah, I was like, it should be awesome.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow. And now you're changing my pronouns. I can't believe this. How rude. I am going to take A in your house now.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't. You may. As long as it's a Morgan J. Fasting.

[Steph Tolev]

No, no, no. I'm going to take my time in this.

[Pete Holmes]

There. How did you. Okay, tell me. Let's get. We'll get to that. Tell me you liked performing for them.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

Like they laughed.

[Steph Tolev]

They laughed because I watched a lot of tapes going into it. Cuz I heard of the shows of like how the hosts do it.

[Pete Holmes]

And a lot the tapes like red.

[Steph Tolev]

Was the red plastic porn right over top of it. Porn awards. No, A lot of the men, most of the men that I watched came at the actors in a very negative way. Very rude, very like, mean towards them. And I was like, this is like roasty. Yeah. But it's also like, this is their not even roasty. Just like degrading porn jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And I'm like, this is their awards.

[Pete Holmes]

So yeah, this is their night.

[Steph Tolev]

This is. They have this. They don't have a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

This is going to sound stupid, but I hosted. I forget what it was called twice. These like video game awards. And I did the same thing you did. It was like awards for best game and all that.

[Steph Tolev]

Sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was just like, this is the best. Video games are the best. But I meant it. I found the part of me that. That believes that and I went with that. Instead of being like, you guys, nobody cares, you nerds.

[Steph Tolev]

As if you would do that. Like it's crazy. But that's all these men were doing. Yeah, you'll go molested. Like it's all that. And I was like watching. And then they would cut to the whole.

[Pete Holmes]

Been molested.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, there was one guy, he was so bad. But they would cut to like the women up front. The porn stars are like this like reacting. And I was like, oh my God. So I made sure that I immediately was super pro sex work.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And I made fun of myself.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Steph Tolev]

At no point was I like, fuck this. Fuck you. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have. I tried for the longest time. If I did that show, I would do this bit because it's. And if you do it, I will give it to you for sure. It goes like that. You can still. Like, this is 100% real. I was trying to make a. Like a picture book of the movie Fantastic Mr. Fox for my daughter. So I go in the movie and I'm just like. I'm just gonna screen grab certain frames and I'm gonna make, you know, you go on like, snapfish or whatever and you'll make a book. Cause she. It doesn't exist. My daughter loves that movie. I'm gonna make her this book. So I try to make a screen grab. It comes out gray. Like, it's so copywritten that you can't even screen grab a frame of it. Meanwhile, every day, every porn that finishes, by the end of the day, it will be illegally uploaded.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Podcast Announcer]

Why?

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Because of shame. It's because. Right. Don't you think? Well, I guess I'm asking.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't. I guess that's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not protected. It's not. Because no president or no head of the, I don't know, the consumer board or whatever could run or be reelected on the platform. I'm going to protect adult performers. Because you'd be like, what are you. What are you horny? Or something? Like, it. It would be so. And I tried to find a way to be, like, respectful about this, but the things that they're doing are so extreme.

[Steph Tolev]

It is extreme.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, meanwhile, you know, Meryl Streep, realistically drinking a coffee is like, stay away from our art.

[Steph Tolev]

But like this.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Like, it writes itself. But I don't want to make it be like, ah, that's horrible. The scene.

[Steph Tolev]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, it's the weirdest thing you can steal. There's crafty, there's boom, guys. There's makeup, there's hair, there's trailers, there's lights. There's all of it. It's a film, but as soon as. As someone has sex with someone for real, if it's fake, it's still art. But if it's real, they're like. It's like, no law will touch you. It's like, good luck.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, that's fucking. I don't. That is crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Billion dollar billions and billions are made by the people that host the websites that show the pirated videos. And again, the joke I do is like, no president could be like, I will get money for these milfs. They have children. You know, like, no one could run on that.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's not like. Japan is certainly one of those cultures that seems so proper, but then they have, like, a pretty long shadow, like, when it comes to, like, they, like. Yeah, you know.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, we know something, but we're the same. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, porn sales go through the roof when there's things like religious conventions and hotels, all that stuff.

[Steph Tolev]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

But we want it that way. We're like, keep it in the basement. And anybody that was like, no, we. We as a culture really like pornography. Yeah, we love it.

[Steph Tolev]

They're fucking perverts.

[Pete Holmes]

You could never say there's no way. And they're all doing it.

[Steph Tolev]

Every.

[Pete Holmes]

Not everybody does it, but, I mean.

[Steph Tolev]

I would say 90% of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Which means people that are on Congress that are, like, making these decisions to not pursue or. I don't even know if it's Congress. They are also going home and watching pirated pornography.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, they are.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone in that video is being fucking. You know, there's no way to say that's not sexual. Shafted, screwed over. Like, you're getting.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. And they're not getting any extra money for that. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's crazy. But, like, a commercial that I did for Home Depot, I still get a check.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that looks harder. I'm not trying to be funny.

[Steph Tolev]

Definitely harder.

[Pete Holmes]

That's harder.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I am kind of trying to be a little bit funny, but I'm not trying to be like. And that's yucky and weird, you know?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, it's nice. It's a good view.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's some. Well, there was a podcast called the Butterfly Effect where they went into the guy that owns pornhub or one of the big ones, and he is rolling in it. Just remember how mad we were at fat, Jewish or whatever his name was, overtaking everyone's shit. That's what this guy is doing. Nobody cares. Nobody cares What?

[Steph Tolev]

The hell with that. That is fucked.

[Pete Holmes]

It's great.

[Steph Tolev]

Ask the porn star today.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Steph Tolev]

See what she says about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Please do.

[Steph Tolev]

I will. And then, please. I'll tell you exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

She says, which porn star is.

[Steph Tolev]

Sherry Deville is coming. She's actually. She won, I think, milf at the AVNs.

[Pete Holmes]

Best milk. The coveted.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to imagine the best milk is coveted.

[Steph Tolev]

It's. It's a good award. She's a great gal. They're so nice, too. Like, every person I've met is, like, so down to earth and cool. Like, there's just these perverts walking around. They're like, super chill people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm glad I am.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you feel like, an affinity with them, like comedians and porn stars and everything?

[Steph Tolev]

I do, I think because I'm so dirty and I. Because I'm open about sex and stuff. I think we have, like, that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

In common a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

My. My wife just started doing pole dancing for exercise, and she comes home, like, really energized. That doesn't mean, like, she's jumping on me. I just mean I can see the confidence boost that she gets her and this group of her friends that do it. And I was like, it's exactly like, stand up. You're going. You're flaunting. I'm not saying that. When I do. Yeah. Yeah. My big juicy tits are just like, look at my observation and look at my performance. It's showing off. And I think people need, in defense of showing off, when we talk about, like, mojo and not just sexual virility, but, like, vitality, like having something that you can kind of strut.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is really important.

[Steph Tolev]

I think if every troll on the Internet found their little strut, they wouldn't be like this.

[Pete Holmes]

You wouldn't. They put such a period at the end of my sentence, like, you heard me perfectly.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I think one of the deficits in American culture, or maybe world culture, is, like, people need to have something that makes them feel desirable, makes them feel special, makes them feel like they're in their lane.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And they can be briefly celebrated. Now, when my wife does it, nobody's watching. It's just for her. But she can feel embodied. And when I do stand up, it makes me a better husband. It makes me a better father. I come home and I feeling good.

[Steph Tolev]

Unless you bomb.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless I bomb. Then it is tricky to hang your hat on that hook because you're like. And then if I don't. I don't really bomb, but I do. I have my own bombs. My bombs are like, if I turn.

[Steph Tolev]

On the audience, tell me, oh, I bum bad at the Comedy Store. Like last week. I don't believe before the special came out, it was one of the worst. I bawled my eyes out. It was in the main room. Everyone was there. You saw me. Oh, yeah. It was a long show. I went up after me or K. He killed so can be. It was in the crowd. It was me. I came out with a weird energy, got off stage, my eyes welded up. Literally, day four special dropped. And I was like, oh, my God, that's the last set I have before this comes out. So I sat in that for a week. We got in the Car wasn't the magical.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry to interrupt. The feeling that it was the. It'll always be the last set you did before.

[Steph Tolev]

I guess just, like, sitting that. I don't know why I had. I was, like, so excited for this.

[Pete Holmes]

I know two flavors at the same time. One is horseshit and one is flamingon. Maybe.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, wait, I want to bring this up before I forget. Okay. So you were talking about how you had to host the video game. I got asked. I don't know what joke I did, but I got asked to go host this foreskin event. I made one joke of how I tell guys not to snip and keep their foreskin. And this foreskin association reaches.

[Pete Holmes]

I swear, the head of the foreskin association reached out.

[Steph Tolev]

I think he did. And he asked me to emerge. He peaked his little head out, and he said, can you come host? And I was like, I don't think I should.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Spokesperson for men's penises.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, that's how desperate they are. I was like, someone talked about it.

[Steph Tolev]

They are desperate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

They. They need it. They need someone to talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a touchy. Everything we're talking about, all our language is so sexual. Like, touchy.

[Steph Tolev]

I know. What the hell?

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird, but it is touchy. I just know. What's your bit? It's to. I don't even know what it was.

[Steph Tolev]

It was. It was like a crowd work clip.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I have no idea what I said.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And then I talk about it, like, because my boyfriend's on stamps. I talk about him not being said, like, it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, right.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm not, like, out there every day, like, giving that tip skin. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to be saying. Like, I don't say that once the.

[Pete Holmes]

The eagle is landed or once the wiener is erect. It's the same, right?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, Right. But I'm like, I don't know why, you know, I mean, like, you making. That makes sense for you to do video games.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not you being the foreskin words.

[Steph Tolev]

I feel like if I had a foreskin, that. That, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I've known some people. What did you say?

[Steph Tolev]

No, I think it'd be bizarre for me to be like, ladies and gentlemen.

[Pete Holmes]

On behalf of the foreskin.

[Steph Tolev]

I've seen a lot of foreskin in my life. I think I have.

[Pete Holmes]

It is funnier that it's you.

[Steph Tolev]

It's insane. I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No. I'm glad.

[Steph Tolev]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm like, I can't be. Everything I do is gross. I can't be. Also the. For like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Born filth Queen foreskin.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

When's it going to end, someone? Today, actually, I just blocked them, but on the way here, I was looking at my phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Driving and blocking.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Oh, I drive block. I would have defensive followers if I didn't block people every day. I swear to God. I blocked non stop.

[Pete Holmes]

You're out there blocking.

[Steph Tolev]

Somebody follows me, goes. I feel like all her stuff is sexual. I still like it, but God, get a new lane. You're following me. I'm not doing it. We're blocking.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like being like, chef boy id. I love it. But tomato sauce on everything. It's so dumb.

[Steph Tolev]

Also, like, I mostly. If you watch any of my Instagram, I do sketches all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Steph Tolev]

And half them aren't even dirty.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually, some of look, most of them are. No, I, I. What I really like about your standup and, And I wouldn't. I'm not comparing you to Joe Derosa, but I love Joe Derosa and these are some of my favorite people. And you're just watching a free person. I don't think of you as a sexual comedian. I think of you as a liberated person that's like, let's talk about life.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I watch somebody that's like, withholding, like, you talk a lot about hemorrhoids and I'm like, fucking. Not a lot, but on both the special and the album, there was hemorrhoid stuff and I was like.

[Steph Tolev]

Like, clearly, it's a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I had a pitch for you sitting.

[Steph Tolev]

On an angle the whole time right now. That's clearly an issue.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode is brought to us by.

[Podcast Announcer]

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[Pete Holmes]

I actually just did a big reorder.

[Podcast Announcer]

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[Pete Holmes]

I absolutely love it.

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[Pete Holmes]

I would sleep in them.

[Podcast Announcer]

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[Pete Holmes]

Me think of an old joke I had where I was like, this thing should be paying me gas money and I could have been taking the carpool lane. Are two free hammerhead jokes if you want them.

[Steph Tolev]

If I ever took anyone's joke, I'd be like, that's Pete Holmes. There's no way I could do that and not say that. I feel insane.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I feel like I could have been taking the carpool lane. Could also be true about a big dump you take.

[Steph Tolev]

I also think if you have a dog in the car, you can. I've been thinking of putting a wig on my dog. Yeah, there's dog wigs on Amazon. I plop. There are dog wigs. Picture golden retriever. Long, beautiful locks in the back seat. You never know.

[Pete Holmes]

And like one of those Point Break Ronald Reagan masks. Like the bank robber mask.

[Steph Tolev]

I guess I put a mask on her. I was gonna say just full dog face.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait.

[Steph Tolev]

How funny would that be? Wait, you couldn't charge me.

[Pete Holmes]

You just cracked it. Put your dog in the passenger seat. You said this. Put on a mask of a dog on the dog. You get pulled over, you remove it. It is. A dog will laugh so hard. You go home. You go home.

[Steph Tolev]

There's no way he actually.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a professional comedian. He owes you $75.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm not getting charged.

[Pete Holmes]

No way.

[Steph Tolev]

A golden retriever in a wig is.

[Pete Holmes]

A mask of a dog.

[Steph Tolev]

Also with a bow tie. This is getting carried away. But it would be perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Steph Tolev]

What about two little coconuts?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, a coconut bikini.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, that'd be fun. No, you want the mask? What do you want?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a funny line. And you're like, I was with a girl last night. How was it? It's like. Let's just say a coconut bikini would have fitted perfectly. Is a funny way to say that. She had very round, sort of independent.

[Steph Tolev]

Your next set's gonna be so nasty. You hung out with me for now. You're a disgustingly filthy man. No, it's true.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fun. I see guests like you and friends like you as like, just like. That's what I mean about Joe. When I'm with Joe, you're like. I can say that's true of all my friends.

[Steph Tolev]

Even if they're not able to withhold stuff with your friends. That'd be so annoying.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's the great freedom. I've had regular human friendships, meaning non comedian friendships that were compromised by false advertising of like, I can't be offended.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, well, let's put that to the test.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, sorry. Wait. Who's your best friend?

[Pete Holmes]

Hang. No, who do you mean? Did I say best friend?

[Steph Tolev]

No, but who's your best friend?

[Pete Holmes]

Mike Prebiglia.

[Steph Tolev]

A cute.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's your best friend? We know.

[Steph Tolev]

We're best sister. I guess. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Older or younger?

[Steph Tolev]

Younger. Three years.

[Pete Holmes]

She's so thrilled.

[Steph Tolev]

She is thrilled.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, of Course, it's your choice. You made that choice.

[Steph Tolev]

I made a forcer.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You're my best friend with the older sister. Is it just you two?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I guess. Comedian. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I didn't mean comedian. Mike. Mike has transcended. I used to only have comedian friends. Sorry to.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I don't want to talk too much, but, like, Mike is an actual friend. Meaning we talk about vulnerabilities, fears, insecurities. We talk about real stuff, and we sometimes talk about comedy.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's really nice. Yeah, it's a real friend.

[Steph Tolev]

I thought he was in this episode of Law and Order SVU recently and had to go in a deep dive. He's got an actor that looks so much like him. I know he knows. I don't know what actor's name is.

[Pete Holmes]

But is that guy doing okay?

[Steph Tolev]

He's so mean in all these episodes. He's always the worst rapist in all these episodes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? I'm like, is that get a bird type?

[Steph Tolev]

I. It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy did something similar. Even iced tea won't say what he.

[Steph Tolev]

Did get me Bir could have stood in and no one would know.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Steph Tolev]

He looks that much like him.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm mentally ill. I have a lust for blood. He.

[Steph Tolev]

His specials came out, didn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, yes. Old man in the Pool.

[Steph Tolev]

I haven't seen it yet.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very good.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very.

[Steph Tolev]

Watch everyone's specials.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I didn't even watch that. Oh, I watched that live. Sorry, Mikey. I will watch it.

[Steph Tolev]

No, if you see the live, what the hell's the point? I guess for views.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Please watch it on Netflix.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I feel bad because I didn't watch it. We'll make it like a. You need to watch it for my. To get the view, kids. But I saw it live, I think, twice, so I was good.

[Steph Tolev]

He's on Netflix too, right?

[Pete Holmes]

His is on netflix.com netflix.com. how long has yours been out?

[Steph Tolev]

Three weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. Congrats.

[Steph Tolev]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you obsessively checking, like, where it was?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. And it never got top 10. So now I'm like, now I'm never getting another one. It was very stressful. It's very stressful having a special.

[Pete Holmes]

All I hear if you didn't make the top 10 because it's fabulous is that you didn't bother everyone. 1.

[Steph Tolev]

You know, I did. That's the problem. I. I really. I went on every podcast you could have gone on. So now that I'M on this one. Maybe if all your listeners.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, let's get it to the top 10.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I think it's too late now. It's past. I think he has to be top 10, like the first couple weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think so.

[Steph Tolev]

Unless something crazy happens. Unless.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, think about that.

[Steph Tolev]

Joe Rogan goes, Steph Toller's the funniest woman on the planet Earth. And all the guys like, oh, listen to Joe. Unless that happens.

[Pete Holmes]

If he blows into the contest conch.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. They all go, joe's calling.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a venison skull conch.

[Steph Tolev]

And they all drink their own piss right after.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they also listen to this podcast and they love it. But they didn't listen to me as chat GPT. No, they thought that was a bit. Yeah, clearly it's a yes. Well, that's fun. That's super fun. And are you happy with. I don't know.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm so happy with it. I'm so. I. I'm very happy with this special.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad. You should be.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. I worked very hard and very long and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

And what city was that?

[Steph Tolev]

Boston Paradise Rock Club.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, I knew that.

[Steph Tolev]

That's so cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to do an annual show at. You did this in Over Thanksgiving at.

[Steph Tolev]

The Paris Rock Club.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. So you met the guy. What's his name? Billy Bob or something that owns it. Yeah, probably you would remember him. He's like shaggy years. Like, I've been here for 48 years. I've seen it all. You must remember that guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell you, I've seen it all.

[Steph Tolev]

Rolling Stone, Seen it AC dc done that. Like he was. Oh, yeah, know Billy Bob Garbage man or something. He had a crazy name.

[Pete Holmes]

Billy Bob Garbage Man.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know if that was it.

[Pete Holmes]

I've certainly met the owner of the Paradise.

[Steph Tolev]

And you know this man?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yeah. I can't believe it's not coming in more vivid.

[Steph Tolev]

I can't believe it.

[Pete Holmes]

I would always do that. Gary Gulman would do it and stuff. It was very fun.

[Steph Tolev]

What the heck? Go back and do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like going home for Thanksgiving. I want to be with my family.

[Steph Tolev]

It's too much, the traveling. Can I say it's nice here when everyone's gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, this is a Stepbrothers. Did we just become best friends? No better time.

[Steph Tolev]

Christmas.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me the off days. Give me the off days. I wish every day was New Year's Day. I wish every day was Christmas Day, Christmas Day. And not for the presents and the cookies, I mean. In fact, I'll take December 26th as my favorite day. Maybe it's one of them.

[Steph Tolev]

You can drive from here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Los Vilas to the beach.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Steph Tolev]

In 20.

[Pete Holmes]

20 minutes. You can drive crazy. Like the people who lived before cars would have driven.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, because there's nothing a horse would take. 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, let me feel free. I. I trust you will disagree if you do. But Saturday night, it's not my favorite for stand up.

[Steph Tolev]

No, no. Thursday's mine. Are you Thursday? Are you really?

[Pete Holmes]

Look, some clubs do the Sunday, but I'll take the off night.

[Steph Tolev]

No, Sunday.

[Pete Holmes]

No Sunday.

[Steph Tolev]

Thursday I like to go home Thursday. I film my special on Thursday. Two shows Thursday night. I, I'm. I, I love Thursday. It's the fun people.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll tell you this Friday. What's that?

[Steph Tolev]

They don't care about work because they're.

[Pete Holmes]

Not slaves to the calendar.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, I'm going out on a Thursday. I can go to bed at 11 on a Thursday.

[Steph Tolev]

No problem.

[Pete Holmes]

No big deal.

[Steph Tolev]

Couple sips.

[Pete Holmes]

Couple sips.

[Steph Tolev]

Swigs.

[Pete Holmes]

Not too drunk?

[Steph Tolev]

Nope.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll tell you this. Or if they're drunk at all, they're the fans.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, the fans come on Thursday, first night. They want to see the fresh stuff. I'm also, I'm always like, it's the best night for me. I'm excited to be in the town. I've peered around. It's one show. I've got so much energy. Saturday, late show. I'm demented. You've made a huge mistake. Look, I'm pissed week. I'm in rally North Carolina. There's 20 men that were dragged by their wives. They hate me. Don't come to those shows. Yes, come to the Thursday.

[Pete Holmes]

Come Thursday.

[Steph Tolev]

Thursday is the best one.

[Pete Holmes]

Super fan Thursday, super fan Thursday. I'll. The only slight disagreement here is I, I do. I just did. You knew Houston and it was awesome. I love Houston. And then Sunday, because I'm super warm, having done it, and there's only one. We won't talk comedy shop too long. I'm just saying I want to be warmed up. Yes, but I want one show. That's why if it's a Saturday and it's one show, that's way better. That's actually perfect.

[Steph Tolev]

We love that.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't. I'm doing the 8 o' clock or whatever to 7:30 show on Saturday. I've said this a million times. I hate the feeling, like if I'm boxing, right, one match, give it all, every punch counts. I don't want to box and then take a break and then box again.

[Steph Tolev]

You're tired.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the first fight I'm going to be saving a little bit. And the second fight, I'm tired from the first one. Your voice starts going and look, I'm not trying to be cool and say stand up as boxing, but it feels the most like boxing to me.

[Steph Tolev]

It does. And you're really. It doesn't matter how much you save in the tank.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

You still, like, you're still forcing that last little bit out because you don't want to give a bad show or bad box.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

But it's like, oh, God, why one night, one show, these one nighters. When I do like a theater.

[Pete Holmes]

Excuse me, can I say, can I say the reason I want. I do. I'm, I'm a blend. Mostly clubs, some theater markets. The theater shows. It's not ego. It's not ego. It's better for everybody. It is. It's less bread. You make more money doing a club.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, you do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's better for everybody to do for the show. High, no rush. It's gonna go long. I'm gonna do the same hour. It's gonna take an hour and 20 minutes. Because I'm gonna be loose, I'm gonna be playing, I'm gonna be riffing. And a thousand people.

[Steph Tolev]

They dress up a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course they do. They're like people flying in the 50s. They put on a jacket.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I will say my fans all usually wear flip flops. I'm like, how little you in here?

[Pete Holmes]

But, well, they know they're safe. They're not gonna run. They're not gonna run. You're not gonna attack them?

[Steph Tolev]

Well, I am gonna attack them verbally. I, I, it is not even a smaller one. Like a 500 seater.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Pack them in tight.

[Steph Tolev]

I did Halifax. It was, I think it was 500. One of my favorite shows I've done.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the Dice is great. The Paradise.

[Steph Tolev]

Paradise is great. 350.

[Pete Holmes]

350.

[Steph Tolev]

350.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm always at the. You got to do my Largo. I do the Largo. Know it's 300 something.

[Steph Tolev]

Largo once.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Steph Tolev]

I too dirty. And the guy was like, give me your number. I'd love to have you back. And I was like, finally, I'm in.

[Pete Holmes]

Never heard of there's no way.

[Steph Tolev]

Get me in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Come do it.

[Steph Tolev]

I'd love to do it. I gotta do Largo.

[Pete Holmes]

Do my Largo.

[Steph Tolev]

I've done I only did Naomi Peregrine show. It's. It do my logo Only show I've ever done, please.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pretty sure Naomi did my Largo and now she has a Largo.

[Steph Tolev]

And I love Naomi. She's so cute. Now you're on Seinfeld again, who do.

[Pete Holmes]

You like that people would be surprised? You like?

[Steph Tolev]

Well, Naomi is my favorite. I love her. I think she's one of the funniest, most original stand ups out there. I love her. She's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

She's great.

[Steph Tolev]

She's just naturally funny and silly. Like. Well, I love Rory, but that seems like. Yeah, that seems like something that I would like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, indeed.

[Steph Tolev]

He's very riffy and he's very silly and he's goofy and he's also dirty and it's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. I just in Houston was literally walking around mad that Rory. I don't want to say beat me to this joke. I. Let's just say I wish this was my joke. I love that there are people smart enough to know that God is not a man, but stupid enough to think that God is a woman.

[Steph Tolev]

That was that premise. Yeah. It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he had another one about the Bible where he was like, John. You think this guy's name was John? Like, he did the whole. All the disciples having these, like, regular white guy names. It was right there. And he did it, but he did it better than I would have done it. He's so funny.

[Steph Tolev]

He's so. His crowd work is so good. Because now that I do so much crowd work, I'm like, when anyone else has a really good Ian bag.

[Pete Holmes]

Good crowd work.

[Steph Tolev]

Unreal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I think Ian Bagg has the best crowd work in the game right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? I don't love crowd work.

[Steph Tolev]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't love doing it.

[Steph Tolev]

You did a bit in your special.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn'T you, in the. In the one you watched.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There are moments where I will improvise, which I feel like is different from crowd work. Crowd work to me is, what do you do?

[Steph Tolev]

No, I think it's.

[Pete Holmes]

Or what's your name?

[Steph Tolev]

I think it could be what you do is improv. It doesn't have to be like, what do you do with your name? Because you just, like, comment on something and, like, tie that into something else.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. If that. Let's call that something. Let's call that improvising.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I love comedians that improvise.

[Steph Tolev]

Then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I don't love the burden on the crowd and that they're gonna somehow they have to bring their own BYOB comedy.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, he's gonna come to me. It's just not my cup of tea. I like the Gary Goleman's that are like, I've polished this like a magician, okay? And I'm gonna do it. That doesn't mean I don't do what Gary Galman does, but I don't want to ask anybody what they do.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, okay, but.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's also because I'm not really good at it.

[Steph Tolev]

I feel like because I do it so much now, people are ready with some backwards ass thing they want to say to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me a story.

[Steph Tolev]

Like. Like people are ready to say something so whacked out. Like, I want. Okay, Calgary. This woman yelled out. I'm like, oh, you guys. I said something about dating. And then she's like, yeah, well, he cheated on me. And I was like, what? She goes, yep, couldn't wait. Last year. And then the whole crowd was like, what? The girl in the front told me that she was dating this guy when she was 16 and he was like 45. And I was like, like, people just want to tell. I'm like, don't tell me that. That's. That's the one thing not to tell me. I don't like that. Yeah, people just always.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, did you lose it?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, I hate that. Just.

[Pete Holmes]

So wait, did you. Was it the guy?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, he was right there. I ripped him in half. I was so repulsed. I hate that. When I was a young woman, when I would watch the way men would look at women like that, it made me so success. I used to date Highland dance and I would walk. We had to change and like, do highland dance. Yeah, yeah, dance kilts in the bagpipes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, keep going.

[Steph Tolev]

But we had to change, like, quickly into our next outfits. And I remember we'd like. We'd wear like a sports bra and we'd like take off our jackets, put on, and I would just watch some of the dads just like, like watching the women change. I remember at very young being like, oh, like, sick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's upsetting to me.

[Steph Tolev]

Setting. You have a daughter.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a daughter. Comedian, look.

[Steph Tolev]

Doing sick things.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Out there grooming and grooming and still.

[Steph Tolev]

Selling out theaters and disgusting behavior. Hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Steph Tolev]

Bad. Anyways, even after a big article comes.

[Pete Holmes]

Out in Rolling Stone, they keep.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, they keep doing it. They keep getting people to watch. More people probably watch him than my fucking special on Netflix. Please Watch Phil's Queen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right. It's funny. I will say I used to make fun of people that, like, after they have daughters, then humanize women. So I'm trying. Careful. Not do that. But after you have a kid, like, everyone just looks like a long baby. Like you kind of see people as babies.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't just mean just women. Like, everybody just kind of looks like somebody's kid. It changes your relationship, which you would assume.

[Steph Tolev]

Would other people have children? I. I don't know. It's just.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope so.

[Steph Tolev]

You would hope.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

But that's still doing bad things. It's very upsetting.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, yeah, I forgot that.

[Steph Tolev]

Disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to the subtweet podcast.

[Steph Tolev]

I usually say his name, but I'm trying to like, not be as negative. But no, I. I feel like with the improvising the crowd work thing though, I feel like that's. It's. It's become a. I. I almost use it as a crutch now because I'm not writing as much as I should and. Which I don't love, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but doesn't. Doesn't the riffing sometimes lead to bits?

[Steph Tolev]

Sometimes. And then I'll try to do them again. It doesn't feel as organic or doesn't work as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I feel like you and I are similar in you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like a lot of what you're doing is maybe something you did. Riff. Like writing from stage?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, yes, I definitely write. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Some playing and like adding things and then remembering it.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Do you write all this stuff down? You get off stage and jot it down?

[Steph Tolev]

I should.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Steph Tolev]

I remember, but I. Because I edit my.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that you assume that I do. Because I do.

[Steph Tolev]

I do. Yeah, but you definitely get off and you're like, shut up. I got the laptop filmed. Everything's taped now, so I like. We'll go through.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you do watch it.

[Steph Tolev]

Edit my own clips.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you edit your own clip?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, I edit my own clips.

[Pete Holmes]

You're out there clipping.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, I'm out there clipping. And I'm not loving my life, but I edit. So I see it all.

[Pete Holmes]

My guy. Use Jake.

[Steph Tolev]

Is Jake good?

[Pete Holmes]

He's amazing.

[Steph Tolev]

He finds funny stuff. Cuz I can't find anybody. It's killing me.

[Pete Holmes]

The funny.

[Steph Tolev]

I want the.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're going to use my guy.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He's also not exorbitant like, I found Jake because there are all these companies that'll really Fleece you.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, is the company.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Steph Tolev]

Is he a company?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I was using other companies. People were like, oh, I won't say.

[Steph Tolev]

Who it is, because I guarantee it's the same one I use. And they fleeced me up my ass.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I couldn't believe. What's a new market? It's. It's razors. It's. Right. Well, you buy lady razors.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know how razors just like. It's a sham, you know, they're like, it's 75 bucks because nobody knows.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, well, we don't know. Or Christmas trees is a good example. It's $300 dollars. It's a tree. I don't know. I don't have any trees. They're just making up. So then they're like, all these comedians need clips, and they're like, six grand. And you're like, what?

[Steph Tolev]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

What is. It wasn't really six grand, but it was close.

[Steph Tolev]

I was like, then we definitely use this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I use them for one month.

[Steph Tolev]

I use them for like three. I was losing my mind. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Jake is fantastic.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay. Can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Steph Tolev]

Can we talk to him?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. You're gonna love Jake. Little Jake play plug.

[Steph Tolev]

Little Jake Plug.

[Pete Holmes]

And Joe Faria. Faria. I always say Faria. He does the clips for this. It doesn't matter. We're back to the show. Have you ever almost died? Boy, I hope not.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe as a kid, sucked into a riptide.

[Steph Tolev]

I have been sent to riptide. I was very scary once, and I. I did think I was gonna get killed by these two men once when I was very young.

[Pete Holmes]

It's different. This question is different for women. I know it's not a chill question, but. But what was that?

[Steph Tolev]

It was at a Highland dancing event.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate this.

[Steph Tolev]

And I went up to my hotel room. I was 12. I remember it so vividly. I went up to my hotel room and to drop something off. And I got up there and I was in the. In the elevator. It was just me and these two, like, scary men. And I walked in and I. They went, oh, you're looking good. And I was 12. And I was like, thank you. And they're like, oh, you're all dressed up. Little girl's all dressed up. Where's she going? And I was like, oh, my God. And I was like, I knew something was bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Bad.

[Steph Tolev]

So I got off the elevator and I was like, oh, my God. So I ran my hotel room. My parents weren't there, and there's no key. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. And I was like. And then I heard that the elevator door was closed. I was like, I can't get back in there. So I hit her on the corner, and they didn't come out, thank God. And then I was like, I can't go back in the elevator in case they're there. So I went into the stairwell. I got locked in the stairwell for like, an hour and a half. Every door wasn't opening. I don't know what. I don't know what the. This hotel was. I finally got this one, and it was like, all of a sudden, there's a business area. And I was, like, stuck in this, like. Like, weird, like, office area. I don't know where it was. No, no cell phones. Way for cell phones. I was in the office.

[Pete Holmes]

Boarding pass, but not protect.

[Steph Tolev]

Nothing. Nothing. I had nothing. I finally. The 30th floor and then got in the elevator up there and then went to the front desk. I was, like, crying. I'm like, why are all your doors locked? Like, oh, it's for fire safety. I'm like, fire. I'd be locked in there, and I die. It was insane. And I went back to this, like, dinner, and I was like, I looked crazy. My eyes are all puffed out, and my parents like, what's happening? I'm like, I thought these two men were gonna kill me. Like, I thought they were gonna, like. Like, I. Even as a young girl, I'm like, this is terrifying to, like, think these two.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Men are gonna do something to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're picking up on. There's an intelligence to that. Right? I mean, like, I'm not even saying vibration. It might be, like, a smell. It might be, like, a pheromone. It's like, something crazy is going on here. And we have these, you know, security systems running. It's not just you going, like weird guys. Like, you probably absolutely knew what was happening.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah, I knew what's happening.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, this is so glad you're okay.

[Steph Tolev]

I know. Scary.

[Pete Holmes]

What about poop your pants?

[Steph Tolev]

I poop all the time. You're sharpened a lot recently. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's, like, because I'm. I just turned 40. I shared it last week. I. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You're talking, like, a full change.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. I had to get home and change. Yeah. A bit of cocky in the old pantaloons. It was like. It was wet. It was wet. It wasn't. It wasn't a log, but it was wet. I, I, it's not great. I don't want to be like this. I don't know if it's my diet. I don't know what's happening. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Steph Tolev]

Every time I go for a run, if I run longer than three miles, I have to immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you eating?

[Steph Tolev]

A lot of fiber gummies. I'm eating because the hemorrhoids. I'm eating a lot. I'm eating, like, a handful of those.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we just talked about gummies. We don't want gummies. Oh, you're talking about a person. I have fiber on me.

[Steph Tolev]

On. You mean on you. What the hell are you sucking back? Oh, what's that?

[Pete Holmes]

You should take this.

[Steph Tolev]

What is this?

[Pete Holmes]

This is just a free ad. This is called Regular Girl. That's how hard I want to take fiber.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll take a feminized brand.

[Steph Tolev]

That's crazy. I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a soluble fiber. You should take 5 grams of fiber before every meal. That's what they say.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay, well, I, I do this and I do the husk powder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Put that in the cup.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't talk to me. We have. Yeah, it's disgusting.

[Steph Tolev]

You got roids then.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't have.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't mean to.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Occasionally, it's a weird flex. It's an ass flex. I don't have rights. I start every day with. If you saw how much psyllium husk I take in the morning, you would be like, how much this guy's gonna die. It is. I'll, I'll say it's like a handful. It would be like no mountain in my hand.

[Steph Tolev]

You must be shitting. 30 seconds after that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, know. I'll tell you when I. After the first coffee, you start with that coffee, then the coffee, and then it's pow. And it is a Morgan J. Psyllium Hospital. Turn your poop into a pee. I don't mean liquid. I mean the time. Oh, I know it's a pow.

[Steph Tolev]

It. Oh, it slips.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why we're not talking. So your fiber game is tight because.

[Steph Tolev]

Because of the Roy nachos.

[Pete Holmes]

You a nacho?

[Steph Tolev]

No. I don't even eat nachos. I don't know what I'm eating. I eat lettuce. I eat lettuce and chicken.

[Pete Holmes]

Lettuce and chicken.

[Steph Tolev]

I eat so much salad. I eat so much chicken. I eat a lot of, like, rice, quinoa, like classics.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, what now we're just.

[Steph Tolev]

Am I a sick dog? I was eating rice and chicken.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. Grain free. It's on the bag.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think maybe you could go to an allergist. Now we're just talking.

[Steph Tolev]

I should. Yeah, I should.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not hard, the blood. And they go, hey, it's pineapple or whatever.

[Steph Tolev]

I've been tested before. Nothing happened. Nothing came up. Up.

[Pete Holmes]

Bizarre.

[Steph Tolev]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe you just love in your pants. I do, but what about like a big. Like a whoopsie doodle?

[Steph Tolev]

A big whoopsie doodle. I don't think I've done a huge one recently.

[Pete Holmes]

Recently.

[Steph Tolev]

I piss a lot. I piss my pants all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, my God. I got a. A loose ethra. If I laugh too hard, I will piss.

[Pete Holmes]

And you've never had a kid?

[Steph Tolev]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Cuz if you do.

[Steph Tolev]

I know. I get off a bike, sometimes P comes out.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, wow.

[Steph Tolev]

Can't go to the gym.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a couple bits. I have a line where I go, it's funny. On the special you watch, I do a joke about you pee, then 30 seconds later, just more pee comes out. I'm the most proud of that joke. I love using a high status position, like being on stage under lights. Everyone's there to see you and talking about peeing your pants. I think that's in itself very funny.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I want. As I'm getting older, it's getting worse. And I'm like, the line is, I'm not ready for a diaper, but I am ready for a bathing suit.

[Steph Tolev]

Which I think is like, well, because this is perfect. I've seen. I. My boyfriend doesn't. But I've seen guys before that have a lot of like, huge flex right there. Big P drips in their pants.

[Pete Holmes]

What. What's the flex that.

[Steph Tolev]

My boyfriend doesn't have this. But a lot of men have, like, especially when they were gray, big pee drip in their underwear.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I saw a guy, I did Jeremiah walking show stand up on the spot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And this guy's wearing really tight pants. I go, whoa, tight. I go, oh, my God. He had a full pee drip on his pants. Honest. He's wearing khakis.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, khakis are tricky.

[Steph Tolev]

Can't wear khakis or narcs.

[Pete Holmes]

No, khakis are narcs in the front and the back.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. You can start in a khaki.

[Pete Holmes]

If you rude. If you anything? No. Khakis are a snitch.

[Steph Tolev]

You can't cough, you can't sneeze.

[Pete Holmes]

Snitches do get stitches because there's a lot of stitches in the inseam.

[Steph Tolev]

There is. And there's a lot of pockets.

[Pete Holmes]

Dockers. How about shut the uppers?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Wow. Also on the. On the list, doc.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, can we come up with a better one? L.L. bean. L.L.

[Steph Tolev]

Bean'S already good.

[Pete Holmes]

Who makes. Yeah, it's already good. Talk about it.

[Steph Tolev]

Talk about flicking your L.L.

[Pete Holmes]

Bean flick your L.L. bean. L.L. bean is a lesbian kind of feeling. I guess it's a lesbians love bean. They do like ladies love. Cool. James, have you ever seen a ghost?

[Steph Tolev]

I haven't seen one, but I think I've been around one.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean? Is this like your night terrorist joke, which I love.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I. I forgot about that joke. I used to teach Highland dancing. It never ends. My mom, to teach her. I taught for her for a couple years in our parents basement. And my cousin was there one day and we heard a glass shatter. And we both were dancing. We stopped and I was like, what the is that? She's like, someone's in the house. I knew no one was there, so I grabbed a sword because one of the things we dance over is a sword. It's not sharp, but I grabbed it thinking I was gonna stab somebody. I don't know. Yeah, I came up and there was.

[Pete Holmes]

More of a hitting with them. If it's a blunt sword, it's like.

[Steph Tolev]

A bit of a Zorro situation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. You can threaten staring.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Steph Tolev]

Pointing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

The sword's scary.

[Pete Holmes]

If you had a dull like a stage sword, I'd still be like, she was armed.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Would a jury say you were armed? You were kind of pretender.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I'm still armed.

[Pete Holmes]

You're still armed.

[Steph Tolev]

You can still.

[Pete Holmes]

In the eye.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah, the eye. You're done.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. All right. So you have your sword.

[Steph Tolev]

I have my sword. Went upstairs, checked the whole house over. Not a single glass shard anywhere. And it was a full shadow. We both heard it, so I knew it wasn't crazy because somebody else was there with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait. Not only. I'm sorry, was there no one there? There was no glass, nothing.

[Steph Tolev]

Zero.

[Pete Holmes]

Sound ghost.

[Steph Tolev]

Sound ghost. I know. What's going on? It was terrifying.

[Pete Holmes]

Crying.

[Steph Tolev]

And then we both sat upstairs. It was daylight too Scary.

[Pete Holmes]

That is scary. It's a good one.

[Steph Tolev]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Steph Tolev]

I know. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good one. I know.

[Steph Tolev]

Because my cousin can vouch. I can call right now.

[Pete Holmes]

And what about the time you've laughed the hardest in your life?

[Steph Tolev]

In my life?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's a big, that's a, that's a hard one. It's a big ask. What about a time when you laughed really, really, really, really, really, really hard?

[Steph Tolev]

Really? Recently, I, I, I peed, actually, backstage. We were at the Pittsburgh Improv. It was me, my boyfriend was hosting, and my best friend Alex Pavone, who's super funny, who opens for me. We thought, you know, when you do a bit and you just think, you think it's gonna be so funny, it's not funny. So you know the song, it's an old song. It's like rolling, rolling, rolling, raw. Hide.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Steph Tolev]

So my boyfriend Jefferson goes up, does that, cuz he can sing really well. We have the, the music guy, the sound guy's playing the song. He goes up, sings it, Rawhide, hide. Nobody reacts. And I go to, I open, I go, okay, you have to do it next. You have to go up. Same song, opening. Sing the roll and roll and sing the Rawhide. He goes up. It bombs so bad. I come out to watch it. The crowd is like pissed now. They're like this again. They're looking around. It takes them five minutes to like dig out of this bomb off the beginning. I start laughing in a way that's not normal. I ran to the green room and I had to run the bathroom so he was coming out, out. And then I'm like, I'm gonna do it now. So I go up.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to.

[Steph Tolev]

I do it. Almost less laughs than Pavi got like so bad that I just stopped and I went. Do you know how funny I thought that was? I'm like, you guys missed. And then they kind of fake laughed after I said that. But I was like just watching him go up there. And he was so awkward doing it because he was like trying to count the, he was like counting himself into it. And like, it was so I have it on tape, I have to edit it and put it all together because I. It's not funny. It's gonna bomb. But it was, I don't know why, the funniest thing, just forcing him to do this.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely understand.

[Steph Tolev]

It was just for the comics.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny, it doesn't work. I think I'm surprised they didn't pick up on the second one.

[Steph Tolev]

Nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

But then the third one, Hated it. Where was this?

[Steph Tolev]

Pittsburgh. Hated it. And we were like, this is funny. And because I thought And I told him, I'm like, you can't mention it. I'm like, if yours bombs, yeah, you have to leave it because I have to do it. It's part of the rule. And so that's what was even funnier is that I had to watch him struggle. And he's so funny. He never bombed. So watching him like, like dig out of this hole, I hated him. He walked up like, hate this, guys. This is a weird way to start the show. I don't know why that. That got me. That got. I like fell to my knees. I laugh so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. I completely understand.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been watching a lot of Nathan for you. Do you ever watch that?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Canadian.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. Toronto.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he from Toronto?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Some of my favorite people. Matt Johnson, the Canadian filmmaker. Oh, he's from Toronto.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Made BlackBerry you. Which is very funny because Katie and I were laughing that you seem like the anti Canadian. You must get this a lot.

[Steph Tolev]

I know people, everything's from New York. Have a very New York vibe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

But like I've talked to other like Matt Johnson from Toronto is also like culturally there's like not a lot of ambition in Canada in the way that there is here. Like there's a lot of like crazy drive and, and marketing of yourself. And Matt was kind of saying like there could be more of that in Canada. Would you? I'm just wondering what your take is.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. I don't think that the arts are celebrated or pushed at all in Canada.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And a huge example is right now. I'm the fourth Canadian ever to have an hour on Netflix. 1. I was interviewed by one CBC interview in Canada. Not a single newspaper. Nothing. I was on the head. I was on the front page of the LA Times entertainment section when my special came out. I can't even get a write up in the Globe and Mail. Nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

Nobody in Canada will talk to me. My PR people reached out. Nothing. And I'm like, what are you doing?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, what, what are you.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm. I don't know. I'm so. I'm such a proud Canadian, especially Torontonian. All I talk about is how much I love my country and my city, and no one gives a. I'm like, what are we doing here?

[Pete Holmes]

What are they covering?

[Steph Tolev]

I don't. I don't. I don't know. I literally don't know. It's like. It's psychotic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's upsetting.

[Steph Tolev]

It's real. Not even a small blurb.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Nothing even.

[Pete Holmes]

And you. The part that kills me is that you reached out.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, and one of the funniest part, somebody from the Globe and Mail, which is, like, one of our big Toronto newspapers, like, hey, I love you. I write about you. I go, great. My special just came out. He goes, oh, it's actually about, like, your fitness regime. And I'm like, my fitness regime? I don't eat and I'm starving. I have a special on Netflix. He's like, oh, I can mention that. You can mention that. What are we. What are we talking about here? No one knows me for my fit. No one gives a fuck what I'm doing. Bicep curls, looking at Stabler's arms.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you talking about?

[Steph Tolev]

Makes no sense.

[Pete Holmes]

The body was found under the bridge.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm like, this is crazy. I. It was. It's so. That. That pisses me off to. That's. You don't give a about. And. And I will say, like, you know, we have a lot of amazing talent in especially Toronto. You've been there. You've. People open for you. We're hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm going to say, pick a Canadian comedian they can open for you.

[Steph Tolev]

Adam Christie, number one. He's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Steph Tolev]

You love him.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I could think, oh, my God, maybe he did open for me. I don't want to.

[Steph Tolev]

So perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in Toronto.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. He's so goofy. So funny. He was out here for a bit. Went back to.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to. I'm blank. I'm 46.

[Steph Tolev]

I really feel like, yeah, I have.

[Pete Holmes]

Names, but that's not true. Daphne.

[Steph Tolev]

I like Daphne. It's kind of cute.

[Pete Holmes]

Daphne's a good one. Yeah. I've gotten you wrong. Judaism. Really?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Do you ever go peter? Is it always Pete?

[Pete Holmes]

I like Peter. I like Peter.

[Steph Tolev]

But it is Peter.

[Pete Holmes]

It is Peter.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to hear the joke? It's good when your name has a joke.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I go. They go, is it Peter? Peter. I go, I like Pete. Who has the time? I think it's very funny.

[Steph Tolev]

My dad was like, pete, too. No one calls him Peter.

[Pete Holmes]

I think if you're a Peter and you decide to go By Pete. I know a lot about you. Right.

[Steph Tolev]

Cut to the chase.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut to the chase. But also, Pete is like. It's a sweet. It rhymes with sweet. There's like a. I don't know. It's disarming. Steph, you're not Stephanie.

[Steph Tolev]

I know. I hate Stephanie.

[Pete Holmes]

Steph. Oh, yeah, Steph.

[Steph Tolev]

I mean, legally, I'm Stephanie, but no one calls me that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Stephanie is.

[Steph Tolev]

Is in trouble.

[Pete Holmes]

Makes me think. It's definitely in trouble. And it makes me think of Persephone. You bring spring. I'm trying to think of Greek mythology.

[Steph Tolev]

I think princess. I thought something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't care.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you like touring or do you enjoy it?

[Steph Tolev]

Do I enjoy it? That's a hard question. Sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

I love this, but you're talking to me. We already talked about. We love Thursday. We don't like Saturday. We don't want to do two shows. There's a cost to it.

[Steph Tolev]

There's a cost to it.

[Pete Holmes]

You bring an opener?

[Steph Tolev]

I bring my opener. He's my best friend. I bring him with me all the time. He's so funny. He kills. I love him being there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So you at least see. I bring my opener. Matt McCarthy, he's definitely one of my best friends as well. And even if, like, ooh, this really just took me to a feeling. If you bomb alone. That's a bomb.

[Steph Tolev]

That's a bomb.

[Pete Holmes]

If you bomb and your friend was there, or if you're. Let's say the show went wonky in some way and your friend was there, that's just a story.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You both had. Yes, but, like, I remember the first 10 years of stand up, which is when you do most of your bombing. You're bombing alone and then going back.

[Steph Tolev]

To your hotel room and being alone.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's a sliding door to the parking lot, and it doesn't lock.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Like a system of cups to alert you.

[Steph Tolev]

I do that because I watch Forensic.

[Pete Holmes]

Files, but now you got to stop watching.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm sick. You know what? You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Killer was wearing a dog mask.

[Steph Tolev]

With. With the traveling. It's. It's the getting there. Once I'm there, I'm fine and happy. It's the fact that United Airlines will not make a direct flight. I'm on 17 flights. There's always some issue. There's somebody farting beside me.

[Pete Holmes]

Always.

[Steph Tolev]

It's just. It's disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say, as the me. The meification of culture, you know what I mean? It's a like your Instagram, your algorithm. YouTube knows what you like, so everything's being catered to us. Farting on airplanes has increased because of it. Holding it in. Is a network television watcher because he knows Seinfeld comes on a Thursday. You wait for Seinfeld, you fart on a plane because the whole world is for you. It's disgusting. Deal with this.

[Steph Tolev]

Disgusting, disgust.

[Pete Holmes]

Disgusting.

[Steph Tolev]

This kid kicked me for an entire flight to the point where I asked him twice to stop. His dad was behind him. Didn't stop him. I was this close to taking his dad aside, being like, you're a piece of. Because I. Five and a half hours, New York to Los Angeles.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't. I can't.

[Steph Tolev]

I was. He was kicking, kicking, banging, kicking. And I was like, I. I turned around one point and I did the. Hey, kid, you gotta stop. And I was like, I. I. At that point, I was, like, sweating and so up. And he was. He went, I'm sorry, lady. And I go, it's okay. Just please stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

Immediately went back to doing it. Like, didn't even. Not even a second. He stopped.

[Pete Holmes]

He immediately.

[Steph Tolev]

It was crazy behavior. It's that. It's like the bathrooms have piss and everywhere. It's the. It's. The whole thing's gross. The whole airport experience now and then all these planes crashing, what's happening Every plane now. My. I. I literally text all my people. I love my phone. I go, all right, taking off. I love you all. All by forever. Like, it's terrifying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Is that still happening? The muchos crashes there.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. They're going. I don't know what's going on. And then this is. This is what pissed me off the most. I'll post about these shows. Be so happy to get there. Get there. Some. Some of the shows are selling well. Some are horrendous. We know how that works. And then I'll literally be at the airport flying home, and I'll post like, blah, blah, blah, next weekend. And someone will go, what the. You never come to Boston. And I'm like, I'm in the Boston airport. Like, it happens every weekend, and it's making me crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know why our fans are not checking our tour. It's there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

You can see me now until December. All my days are there.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. I think. Is it because old Instagram you post, your followers would see it now if you post. It's like a tour update. Might not get in the feed. I don't know.

[Steph Tolev]

I. I feel like I post nonstop or I Keep telling people to chat, pack comedians, tour dates.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Makes no sense.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Never come here. I was just there.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of which, I'll be in Boston this summer. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

When are you Boston? What ven are you doing?

[Pete Holmes]

The Wilbur.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

You love that place.

[Pete Holmes]

Moved up. I don't want to say moved up, but it's bigger than the dice.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it. And it's really nice.

[Steph Tolev]

It is nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the dice, too.

[Steph Tolev]

Big Dice guy.

[Pete Holmes]

They call me Andrew Dice.

[Steph Tolev]

Could you imagine anyone ever called you that? There's no way.

[Pete Holmes]

Who do you, Andrew, huh?

[Steph Tolev]

Who do you compare to? Who do people think you're like?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so you asked me who my best friend is.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Birbiglia. Right. Birbiglia and I were talking. We were going, who are our peers?

[Steph Tolev]

Like, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you ever do this? And we go, obviously it's not Bargazi or Gaffigan or any of those. These are Arena Clean comedians. But people might think it's like, we were like, it's just us. Who do you put in that? Let's just say it's a sedan. So there's five comics in the car. Birbiglia is driving. I'm in shotgun. Who's in the backseat?

[Steph Tolev]

I was thinking, like, Natasha Leggero.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay, that's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that works. I'll take that. And then maybe Rory.

[Steph Tolev]

Rory.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, maybe Rory. Okay, I'll take Rory. Who?

[Steph Tolev]

Kyle Kinane.

[Pete Holmes]

Kinane. Okay. This is good.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Moshe. I would say he's in Moshe.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. We blanked on a lot of good people. Who's in your car? Who's your little. Little class?

[Steph Tolev]

My car? I would say, like, probably Annie Lederman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Steph Tolev]

She's great. Robbie Hoffman.

[Pete Holmes]

Great.

[Steph Tolev]

She's also a. I'm just saying, my friends right now.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's super fun.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know who else would be mine. Like, I'm sure. Who else?

[Pete Holmes]

I feel out of the loop.

[Steph Tolev]

I know I'm out of the loop.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's in my group?

[Steph Tolev]

Because I said, like, Craig Conan. But I'm like, he's doing better than me, so I don't know. I don't know. Well, he's killing it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm glad. I love Greg.

[Steph Tolev]

He's great.

[Pete Holmes]

He's fantastic.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know. I'm trying to think. I'm like, now I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

What happened to Craig? That popped off.

[Steph Tolev]

I don't know. He's, like, killing on Facebook.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah. He's, like, murdering Facebook. Oh, yeah. He, like, sold out his whole like.

[Pete Holmes]

European tour because he has a big Facebook following. Yeah, I did hear that Facebook is the one that people look at the most. Now we're just talking about social media.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, I think it is. And that's the one I get trolled on on the hardest.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Okay, let's talk about that. You're checking these comments. Here's two things you're doing that are strange to me. Constantly watching murder and sexual assault shows.

[Steph Tolev]

Reading and reading comments men say with me online.

[Pete Holmes]

But why?

[Steph Tolev]

Because. Well, I don't want it on my page, so I have to delete it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Maybe Jake can do this for you.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, somebody has to do this for me because I can't have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do you not want it on your page?

[Steph Tolev]

Page? Because it's so mean. And then, and then it's so ugly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

If I even showed you like you, you wouldn't actually believe I have a video right now. I have a screen record. I screen recorded a video that wasn't even a stand up clip. It's me and my boyfriend just being happy at my Netflix like party and 600 men. I screen recorded me just scrolling like this. 600 men are saying the most heinous. And they all had photos of either their wife or their kids in their profile photo.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

It was like picture you right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Hot ends and you're like thanks so much. You get right on your Facebook. You go to my page. You go, you ugly man. Your boyfriend's trans now because you're a man. Your nose is a beak. You're so ugly. You're so unfunny. Kill yourself like over and over. So it's like I. I don't want anyone to watch me in pause like this. All jokes about. Every day I wake up, I open my phone to I'm ugly, I'm trans. My nose is too canc every day. And I like blocked the words don't again, Sam. Cuz just so many people say get original with them. It's, it's, it's. This is getting old now.

[Pete Holmes]

There was something very funny. I didn't mean to laugh about you being really. No, no, no, no, no. I am not somebody in earnest saying toucans Sam. I just had never. It's like someone being like. And Chester Cheetah. You know what I mean? Like I couldn't take a mascot being said in earnest. I hate everything.

[Steph Tolev]

But it is like. And it is men like you, which is so strange.

[Pete Holmes]

Like dads y gross.

[Steph Tolev]

It's psycho.

[Pete Holmes]

But what is Going on. We're not going to solve it. But what's going on with our culture? We hate women. We hate.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Powerful, funny women.

[Steph Tolev]

That's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

And women are supposed to be like beer commercial girls.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. They hate women who are confident, who are happy, I guess, who are doing maybe what they wanted to do. I'm not really sure. I think I get trolled more because I come at men online and I do my. My. You know, my material is mostly about foreskins. For a huge foreskin community, shout out.

[Pete Holmes]

To the beautiful foreskin comedian Steph to Live is here. He's bringing you up.

[Steph Tolev]

That'd be terrifying. He was also there. They got him, too. He's the head. He's the head spokesman for the hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Follow at one of his rallies. It's hard to follow Trump.

[Steph Tolev]

There's no way you could follow Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

If Trump does an hour and a half and then you. You're next.

[Steph Tolev]

I thought Sebastian Manisco was hard to follow. Trump would be the hardest.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so funny.

[Steph Tolev]

That'd be insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like following Trump. Trump.

[Steph Tolev]

That'd be crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Good night, everybody. And then you come on.

[Steph Tolev]

That's like when you open for a band and they're, like, not ready for.

[Pete Holmes]

You to go on.

[Steph Tolev]

They're, like, ordering beer.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we figured out the worst gig you could have is following Trump.

[Steph Tolev]

There's no. There's nothing worse.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

I'd be booed off immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you would be good following Sebastian because he's, you know, different flavor.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, but he's like. We're both like, high energy. He murdered at the story of the night night.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was after your bum.

[Steph Tolev]

No, no, no. That night I did good. I cut on my lip. I went so hard. It was like the craziest lineup. It was like Jessel Nick Sebastian, Shane Gillis, and then Flevis Barza and then me, and I was like, well, I better not the bed now. So I was like. And I went so hard, I hit my lip on the mic. And then my teeth were bleeding, it was so bad. So now I have, like, a little slice. Disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

You were bombing.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I didn't bomb in that show. Oh, no, that show. I went out. No, no, no. I did material. That's show.

[Pete Holmes]

And you hit your so hard.

[Steph Tolev]

So that stinky, stinky mic reeks.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you smelled you could clone Polly Shore with that mic?

[Steph Tolev]

Poly Shore's living right in my lip right now. You think he's live behind the Comedy Store? No, no, no. Polly Shore's tuck the wees right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Is you definitely could get a sample of we's spit is what I'm saying.

[Steph Tolev]

I soaked my lip in peroxide when I got home. Like, in a cup.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you did.

[Steph Tolev]

Dis most disgusting thing on the planet.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you did.

[Steph Tolev]

I'd rather sit on a toilet seat seat then lick a microphone club. Oh, I'm squatting.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Steph Tolev]

There's too much piss. Everyone's pissing everywhere now.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying farting on airplanes and pissing on seats.

[Steph Tolev]

Wipe it down. If you're not good at squatting, get up, do a nice quick little.

[Pete Holmes]

Did we use cultural shame?

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, God. I think the second the Internet came out, tick tock ruined it.

[Pete Holmes]

I think my brain farting thing and peeing on seats. It's also. You know what's not good for us? Any cuisine being delivered to you. It used to just be pizza.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm bad.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm the worst. When we lived here because we live somewhere. You can't do this, but, like, being vague. Everyone knows where I live. I'm just saying, when we lived in la, yeah, we'd on Val's phone, would order the dinner and, like, stagger at 20 minutes. Would order the dessert on my phone. Oh, yeah. So the beasts wouldn't have to wait too long before we're eating, like, milk bars. It's crazy, but it's not good for you. You.

[Steph Tolev]

It's so bad.

[Pete Holmes]

We're, like, spoiling ourselves, you know, it's like, don't spoil your children. But, like, we're spoiling ourselves.

[Steph Tolev]

It's nice. Sometimes I cook a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Please.

[Pete Holmes]

I can talk out the other side of my face and say, what a miracle. But, like, who was it? Is it Natasha? Oh, my God. I want to get this right. Oh, it's Chelsea. Chelsea Peretti goes. What would a king eat? Like, that's what you're thinking when you're, like, thinking of your dinner. It's like, what would, like, an emperor eat, like, dumplings from here? Like, there's something. Something is corroded. The more you live like that.

[Steph Tolev]

It is gross.

[Pete Holmes]

It is a waste. It used to just be pizza. Pizza and Chinese.

[Steph Tolev]

Katie, pizza anymore. Pizza's fatty.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you so good. Ate pizza at the beach. My daughter kicked sand on it.

[Steph Tolev]

And you still ate it.

[Pete Holmes]

Crunchy.

[Steph Tolev]

You're eating a pizza at the beach.

[Pete Holmes]

Sandy beach. Wild sandy pizza.

[Steph Tolev]

So I can't. I can't have any food at the beach.

[Pete Holmes]

Daughter like you getting kicked I was like, baby, please stop kicking sand in this direction. Next thing you know, I'm just eating an audible pizza slice. Yeah. And I didn't care. That's how good pizza is.

[Steph Tolev]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't ruin pizza with sand. Okay, okay, Maybe a lot of sand.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. I was like, how much sand are we doing here?

[Pete Holmes]

So you don't eat the pizz.

[Steph Tolev]

I haven't eaten pizza in probably six months. Months. And if I do, I'll cut a small slice. Just like, let me. Here's a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

You're Italian. She's Italian.

[Steph Tolev]

When you're. When you're in your. When you're 40, losing weight is the hardest thing on the planet. So you. It's just. You can't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the other change. Yes. That is underreported.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you eat something. I gained six pounds that day. Yep, you. That day. You had it. You are at 40s.

[Steph Tolev]

I haven't eaten today. I'm so hungry, and I'm like, this whole pot. I'm like, what am I going to get on the way home? And I was saying pizza, and I'm like. Like, I can't. It's too fatty.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say pizza is the most suggestible food on the planet? It is the fact that we're saying pizza right now, and I'm like, am I? People listening, watching. There's a 90% chance they're going to eat pizza later. There was already a 60%, so it's kind of like predicting divorce. It's a. Okay now, but there's a 90% chance. Pizza.

[Steph Tolev]

I want pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so good.

[Steph Tolev]

Is there good pizza on here? Not really.

[Pete Holmes]

Lucifer's is.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay now I'm gonna get an acai bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go.

[Steph Tolev]

Suck back some liquid on a spoon.

[Pete Holmes]

See, I just started. Acai is, though. Acai is just healthy ice cream.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

There's, like, sugar in it.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, it's sugared up.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't do it.

[Steph Tolev]

I. Well, it was better if that or pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

Just eat the pizza.

[Steph Tolev]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What is this? Eat. That's not that. I just. Everyone listening is gonna laugh because I just figured out that I keep bringing it up. Gaffigan used to have a bit where he's like, you know when you read a book and you, like, keep looking for ways to, like, work it in the conversation?

[Steph Tolev]

That's what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like, I read a book. I keep telling people that I love swimming because I finally found an exercise that I like.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

46 years old. It took 46 years. I think that's the reason I'm mentioning it is I'm like. It turns out there probably is a moving activity that you like. For my wife.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, it's dancing.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

For me, it's swimming. I love how I'm an introvert. It's alone. You can't hear anything. You're not watching anything. I love everything about it. And it actually works you out. Like, gives you muscle and you lose weight. So, like, that's why I'm eating pizza, because I'm like, I'll just swim 45 minutes.

[Steph Tolev]

It's a long swim.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a long swim. Lane, swim, lane, swim, lane, swim.

[Steph Tolev]

You're wearing a cap.

[Pete Holmes]

Should I? You should tell me.

[Steph Tolev]

Chlorine gonna wreck your hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? In what way? Green?

[Steph Tolev]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Turn green. Yeah, but this from the lady who drinks her own pee.

[Steph Tolev]

Guzzles.

[Pete Holmes]

She guzzles that. What are you doing for a hair cco.

[Steph Tolev]

For cardio.

[Pete Holmes]

What, you don't do exercise?

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. You said lifting weight.

[Steph Tolev]

I have, like, a trainer sends me, like, these workouts every day.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Steph Tolev]

So I do, like a circuit weight squats. Bulgarian split squats. That was heavy today.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's.

[Steph Tolev]

And then I run a little bit and then. But I like sports. I like, I used to play a lot of sports. Sports. So I liked. I like being physical and, like, I'm competitive, so I feel like if I, if there was like a ball hockey league, I should join that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're from New York. I could see you playing handball.

[Steph Tolev]

Toronto squash.

[Pete Holmes]

No. You're a New York Jew. A Jewish woman.

[Steph Tolev]

I played Aussie rules football. I played a lot of lacrosse growing up. Very Canadian.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. Yeah, I love it.

[Steph Tolev]

What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, let's talk about the meaning of life and then get out of here.

[Steph Tolev]

The meaning of life.

[Pete Holmes]

Life. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, wow. It's getting heavy.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't have to.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I, I, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You are in life.

[Steph Tolev]

I am in life.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. This is life.

[Steph Tolev]

And I'll tell you something that I, I keep suppressing it, and then sometimes it happens. And it happened this morning at six in the morning. And I hate when this happens where I think about dying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And. And I get in this spiral.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And I've had it since I was a child. Like, since I was the. My first memory is me realizing when I was a kid that I'm not gonna live forever. I'm gonna die. And it's just been this ongoing thing and it's really demented and usually goes away. And then, like, last night, fell asleep in six in the morning, wake up to pee, and I lie down. I go, I'm gonna die one day. I'm like, oh, not this.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I relate really hard.

[Steph Tolev]

You get this?

[Pete Holmes]

I do. I have dreams where I'm talking about death. Like, I'm realizing in the dream sometimes I'm realizing that the guy who's dreaming me is gonna die. So I'm gonna die when he dies. It's very meta. But sometimes it's just a dream about me. I think sleep, dream that time, the small hours of the day, get up to pee. It's a vulnerable time.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

To. Do you want to know? Without Pete explaining what I like to do?

[Steph Tolev]

Well, I'll say what I did today. It kind of makes me feel. And then I do want to hear.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to hear. I didn't know you had a technique.

[Steph Tolev]

I. Well, I. My technique today was, like, thinking, like, how happy I am, and I'm, like, thinking of, like, all the things that I'm like, okay, I am gonna die. Yes. I can't. Everyone. Everyone's gonna die. We know this. So then I just kind of. I did this thing in my head, so I was like, well, I should be happy with what I have now. And I looked over and I saw my boyfriend sleeping, and I rubbed his back for a second. I was like, I'm happy he's here. I'm happy I'm coming to the podcast today. So I did, like, a nice little thing today, being like, my life isn't bad. I should be happy.

[Pete Holmes]

I had that too, because I woke up and I'm always feeling weird.

[Steph Tolev]

Weird.

[Pete Holmes]

This sounds like a bed. It's not a bed. I'm like, yeah, you feel weird. Like, you get up to pee and come back to bed, and you're like, I feel weird. Like my heart's kind of odd. You might have just been dreaming that 30 giant lobsters were chasing you. Like, give yourself a break. Yeah, you're always like, why do I feel weird? It's like, you just saw your grandfather.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, maybe it's gonna be a weird time. Yeah, the bed is a weird place.

[Steph Tolev]

What were you gonna say? What do you do to help?

[Pete Holmes]

Just very similar. I mean, you're already doing it, like, kind of. I like to. I do it with my daughter, too. Not to when she's having a hard time, but, like, to help her sleep. I'll just, like, list people that love her.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I find It's. It's. Those panicky things are like, when you start losing grasp on the good things.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then everybody's gonna know. I'm gonna say this, but, like, I like saying, yes, thank you. Like this too. Like, part of the human experience is worrying about death and honoring that. You're in that. That. We'll use the word lineage. It sounds very like yoga studio. But it's true. Like, it's. It's part of it. It's not an error.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it informs how we live. You know, like, there's a wisdom to death that you're kind of like, it imbued. It can. It can. It can be paralyzing too, but it can imbue your life with more urgency. Certainly also just meaning. But like, what you said, like, everybody does. It is. You're like. It's not something that's unique to you. You're part of a system and not just humans that is going like this. And it's okay.

[Steph Tolev]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's. It gets tricky, but.

[Steph Tolev]

So I don't know. I guess. Yeah. I don't know what the meaning of life is, I guess just to kind of keep myself in this happy place right now and just enjoy the life that I do have. And I get. I don't know, I guess sometimes I. I. Sometimes I have some really nice messages. That's why I do read my comments. And people say, like, you know, really nice things about my comedy and about how I'm, like, empowering them and making them feel better. I'm like, so maybe that is, you know, the me life is to kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's a beautiful service. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. To, like, give back to people and make up people feel good.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I was saying is it's. It's very cheap to call you a dirty comic. You know what I'm saying? Or like, when someone said you talk about sex a lot, it's like there is a gift in a free person and. And whether or not you're talking about sex or you like. One of my favorite bits was your bit about the soup. That's not about sex exactly. Like doing. You're reporting back on your experience and the way we do it joyfully, without fear, that is itself a message. You don't have to say, hey, live joyfully and without fear. You're kind of doing it. And even when it gets turbulent, like you're chunky in your own life, like you're feeling weird, we use chunked up in my family, I don't mean chunky. I mean, like, you're feeling chunked up. Sharing that. There's a beauty in that. That brokenness, that, like, the fear of death or whatever, or loss or whatever. Humiliation. These things drive us into each other.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny we were mentioning Joe derosa. When I'm like. When I call Joe, it's usually because I'm having, like, a bad day, like a bad time. And you talk to Joe.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So there's kind of like a. I'm not trying to rationalize it. Saying there's something beautiful about being in need. And like you said you touched your. Your boyfriend. Yeah, it's kind of beautiful. You know what I mean?

[Steph Tolev]

He was like, what? I was like, let me have this.

[Pete Holmes]

Leave me alone.

[Steph Tolev]

No, I'm kidding. He didn't off.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Steph Tolev]

He said, hi.

[Pete Holmes]

I almost said toucan Sam.

[Steph Tolev]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine? He's like, go to. Leave me alone.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to bed. Toucan. Toucan Sam is one of the silliest two words together.

[Steph Tolev]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate that. I hate everything about it. So do I. I hate everything about your experience. I hate it.

[Steph Tolev]

Well, this was fun, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was. Oh, you're wrapping it up.

[Steph Tolev]

I'm wrapping it up.

[Pete Holmes]

It does feel like the end.

[Steph Tolev]

It feels the end, is it not?

[Pete Holmes]

It absolutely feels like the end. Talked about the meaning of life. Okay, I. I. One more question for you about the meaning of life. But then it is the end.

[Steph Tolev]

I'll let you end your own podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. No, it's sweet. I actually, I. I felt in sync with you. It's like, you are. Right.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the end. We are done.

[Steph Tolev]

Done.

[Pete Holmes]

But I am curious. Have you ever lost somebody and then felt still in connection with them? Because that's an interesting way to think about.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah. My grandma, my mom's mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Steph Tolev]

I think she was like. She was so funny. And there's a weird thing she said to me right before she died, and it was, it's fox. But she was like, you're not one of those dirty comedians, are you? And I remember being like, no, Grandma, I am. It's like, you don't need to be.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I feel horrible right now. I hate this.

[Steph Tolev]

No, but then this is. This way gets funny. Then she. This is the kind of thing I used to.

[Pete Holmes]

Jewish, Italian grandmother said this to you?

[Steph Tolev]

Then she goes, you can. You don't have to be dirty. You can like, stuff like this. And explain this whole thing with this old Benny Hill act. Where he went through the stage and this, like, little popped out. She was like, and then this little runs around the stage. It's hilarious. So I'm like, grandma, you think midgets are funny, but I can't be. I can't be dirty. So in some way, clean up your act.

[Pete Holmes]

Do some little people stuff. He comes out.

[Steph Tolev]

She said, that's why I'm saying, no, no. So I'm like. She said that. I was like, that's hilarious that you think that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And if I tell this. But there's, like, some part of that made me feel like we were, like, in sync and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

And there are times that, like, things happen, and I'm like, I feel like she would laugh at that or she.

[Pete Holmes]

Was for sure for that. So that's an interesting way at that question. It's like when we go, like, do you think there's something after death, or do you think the end of life is the end of your life life? But then a less direct way is to go, like, do you have this connection?

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And often people do. And I think it's really beautiful. It does kind of have a little glimmer of hope in there. A little glimmer of hope.

[Steph Tolev]

It started so silly, and it got so sad.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how it happens. That's why we usually end with the. The hardest.

[Steph Tolev]

We ended like this. Then we're like, okay, have a good day.

[Pete Holmes]

Enjoy.

[Steph Tolev]

Your mind really woke me up.

[Pete Holmes]

Magic mind. Just turn that m upside down. You're halfway there.

[Steph Tolev]

And that's that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, let me think of a silly question. What is the joke that you heard that you were like, I love stand up. I want to do that. That'll. That'll get us in a light way. And I'll try and think of it too.

[Steph Tolev]

You know what it was?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Richard Belzer. This is so crazy. From Law and Order svu.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

Did you know he did stand up?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. The king of crowd work.

[Steph Tolev]

I had this fucking VHS my mom got me because I wanted to get. I was, like, thinking about getting comedy. So for one Christmas, she got me this vhs. Was like a bunch of. Of standups on it. It was like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like evening at the Improv.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes. It. But it was like. I don't know what the Rosie o' Donnell was on it. Ellen.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably evening.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, it probably was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Steph Tolev]

So Richard did this whole thing where he's like, you guys want me to play the piano? And the crowd's like, yeah. Crowd goes, no. Everyone starts clapping. He. It takes so long. It's the 80s. Everybody has to move the cameras around. He goes, all right, you got a camera over here? Not yet. Okay. The mic's not on. He's like, okay, you guys good? I'm just gonna play a quick little thing here. All right, we're good. You guys ready? Who wants to hear me play?

[Pete Holmes]

Play.

[Steph Tolev]

And everyone's going crazy. He goes, I'd love to play. I can't play the piano. And then gets back and he stands up. And the crowd, they were so disappointed. And the camera guy was so annoyed because he took so long to set up. I'm like, that's. I don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

Getting a sense of what tickles you. And that is so funny.

[Steph Tolev]

It's so silly. It's stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're right.

[Steph Tolev]

And I was like, that was the funniest stand up thing I've ever seen. And it's not even a. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fantastic. I go to Steve Martin, and he goes, now I'm gonna suck this piano into my lungs. And he does nothing.

[Steph Tolev]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's. The joke is that you can't do it.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes, that's it.

[Pete Holmes]

And it goes back to rawhide.

[Steph Tolev]

It does go back to rawhide. I completely understand.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a silly bit. And it reminds me of something Rory would do.

[Steph Tolev]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, all.

[Steph Tolev]

It all came back together.

[Pete Holmes]

We primed it. We went down into, like, a weird, like, death thing. But now we're back.

[Steph Tolev]

Nice. We're happy again.

[Pete Holmes]

We're happy again. Up and down. Life is here. Well, thank you so much. The special is called Filth Queen.

[Steph Tolev]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Your grandmother loves it.

[Steph Tolev]

She loves it.

[Pete Holmes]

She would. Don't get it twisted. She would.

[Steph Tolev]

She would.

[Pete Holmes]

And you are great, and you are funny, and thank you for doing it.

[Steph Tolev]

Thank you for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

We have the guest say, keep it crispy at the end. We wrote it down over there.

[Steph Tolev]

Okay. I think I can remember. Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

We did it. Come on, Toronto. Cover this.