We Made It Weird #136

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — We Made It Weird #136

Date: May 19, 2023
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest/Co-Host: Valerie Chaney

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Brief Overview

In this intimate and reflective episode, Pete Holmes and his wife/co-host Valerie Chaney dive into the “secret weirdness” that shapes human experience and relationships. Their conversation spans from musings on technology and modern life, through the nuances of marital partnership and parenting, to deep explorations of spiritual and therapeutic insights—particularly Pete’s recent ketamine therapy, non-duality, and the teachings of A Course in Miracles. The tone is honest, humorous, and vulnerable, full of memorable moments and relatable revelations.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Technology, Human Drama & The Banshees of Inisherin

00:37 – 11:14

• Zoom Life and Modern Convenience: Pete and Valerie open by joking about remote podcasting and how saving time with technology paradoxically leads us to feel even more rushed (03:37–04:51).

  • Pete: "Why do we feel more rushed? Like, we're saving... all this time, but it just expands to fill it."
  • Valerie riffs on watching "The Banshees of Inisherin" and how even small settings and problems can feel all-encompassing.

• Relatable Human Drama: Pete draws a parallel between technological advances, our never-ending “to do” lists, and how human conflict (even minor, as in "Banshees") expands to fill available space—just like a work project.

  • Pete: "[Human drama] is the same way, that even if you just live on a tiny island and there's only like seven people, it seems human drama expands to fill up your days." (07:51)

• On AI and Human Nature: Both hosts note that despite technological change, core human needs and conflicts remain consistent. Valerie reassures that human relationships and foibles are timeless (10:45–11:54).

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2. Relationship Dynamics, Fairness, and Presence

14:11 – 24:19

• Appreciation and Resentment: Pete highlights the power of feeling seen and appreciated by a partner, referencing the importance of gratitude within a marriage. They discuss avoiding “keeping score” or calculating fairness.

  • Valerie: "Relationships aren't 50–50 at any given time. Like, they're never at one time 50–50. It's like a long process—sometimes it is 30–70." (21:55)

• Letting Go of Narratives: Valerie talks about the danger of building stories around a partner's behavior and how this can undermine closeness if not consciously addressed.

  • Valerie: "The demise of relationships is the stories that we tell about: ‘this is the person who does this, this, this, and this to me.’" (22:43)

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3. Presence, Time, and Psychedelic Insights

16:16+, 34:02, 66:33–81:59

• The Power of Now: Drawing on his ketamine therapy, Pete shares a transformative realization: the past and future are mental constructs, and life only truly happens in the present moment.

  • Pete: "Every psychedelic gives you these really basic revelations, but you really embody them..." (17:34)
  • Valerie: “It’s an embodied feeling. It’s not like a concept in your mind. It’s your experience.” (18:16)

• Letting Go of Keeping Score: They talk about the spiritual and practical joys of not tallying every “give” and “take,” likening a loving relationship to reading music or dancing, rather than leveling a seesaw (28:24–31:42).

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4. Childhood, Core Memories, and Parental Influence

34:02 – 62:43

• Traumatic & Benign Core Memories: Pete recounts childhood stories—being scolded for memorizing “Schwarzenegger” or mocked for crying—and how these “core memories” still echo in adulthood.

  • Pete: “There’s like 12 memories that when you’re falling asleep... your brain just kind of throws these back at you. Some of them are traumatic, some of them are... so benign.”
  • Valerie: “Those memories... are coming up because they’re core memories... but also because they probably are like crying babies that maybe need just a little bit of love.” (43:03)

• Repair and Re-Parenting: They reflect on the repair that never happened in their own upbringings, referencing classic “Full House” episodes where a parent would revisit and correct a harsh moment—something missing in Pete’s family life.

  • Pete: “There was just no circling back. So when I... saw that on Full House... there was part of me that was angry about it. I was like, fuck this. What is this?” (51:53)

• Parenting Today: Their conscious intention as parents is highlighted—letting their daughter experience disappointment when appropriate, but “spoiling her with safety, spoiling her with love...” (61:56)

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5. Therapy, Rage, and Internal Family Systems

45:29 – 46:58

• Rage Monster as Protector: Valerie notes the internal family systems view: angry or “rageful” parts of the adult psyche are often built to protect younger, wounded parts within us.
  • Valerie: “That rage monster is one of your protectors. Isn’t it interesting that the tender, truest child part of you... was the one who learned how to spell Schwarzenegger? And then your dad’s protector, his rage monster, responded. And it made you build a protector that is... similar.”
  • They discuss the challenge of seeing those tendencies in themselves as parents and the importance of self-compassion and awareness.

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6. Spiritual Realization: Non-Duality and Unconditional Love

66:33 – 81:59

• Ketamine Therapy & Spiritual Union: Pete describes his recent ketamine-assisted therapy session, tying together non-duality, A Course in Miracles, and the core realization of unconditional, ever-present love.

  • Pete: “There’s so much less to do than we think.” (66:33)
  • Pete: "When living spirit blows that idea up... and you become the idea that we are all one... there’s no two things butting up against each other. There’s no how I wish it was and how it is... it’s just one, and it’s perfect peace." (67:31)

• Synchronicities: Synchronicities following his experience—lyrics in a Phoebe Bridgers song, passages in spiritual texts—all seem to affirm his insights (68:54–71:14).

• Unconditional Acceptance: Pete’s major lesson—reinforced both by his therapy and spiritual practice—is that there are “no wrong moves” and that we are loved unconditionally.

  • Pete: “All I want to hear is: there’s nothing you can do to mess it up.” (79:03)
  • Valerie: "If it doesn’t bring me to a place of love, then that’s not my practice." (77:51)

• Letting Go of Spiritual Striving: Pete emphasizes that instead of striving to convince or fix others (or ourselves), "there’s so much less to do than we think. You don’t even have to tell people, run out and do this... We are already saved." (79:37)

• Love as Practice: The conversation closes with them encouraging each other—and listeners—to trust love at the center of all things. “It’s okay already.” (81:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Human Drama & Technology
  • "Human life is like water... you can put it in any container, including a strange AI-infused, hyper future... and you'll find things to obsess about, to worry about and to solve." — Pete (08:34)
• On Parenting and Repair
  • "I have vivid memories as a child of being like, it's just not fair. And then, like, running into my room and just, like, waiting... buddy, nobody's coming." — Valerie (53:17)
  • "Spoiling her with safety, spoiling her with love and, and listening and, and attunement and all that sort of stuff. I'm all about it." — Pete (61:56)
• On Spiritual Insight
  • "There's so much less to do than we think... you become the idea that we are all one." — Pete (66:33 & 67:31)
  • “All I want to hear is, there's nothing you can do to mess it up.” — Pete (79:03)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:37 | Pete and Valerie reflect on technology, convenience, and “The Banshees of Inisherin”
• 14:11 | Discussion of gratitude, keeping score, and relationship balance
• 24:19 | Presence, time, and insight from ketamine therapy
• 34:02 | Core childhood memories and their effect on adulthood
• 51:53 | Reflections on "circling back" and emotional repair
• 61:56 | Discussion on spoiling vs. securely loving kids
• 66:33 | Pete shares his ketamine therapy insights and realizations
• 77:51 | Valerie on filtering spiritual teachings through love
• 81:19 | Pete and Valerie’s closing affirmation: "It's okay already"

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Conclusion

This episode stands out for its blend of thoughtful philosophy, vulnerability, humor, and relationship wisdom. Through stories, jokes, and deep spiritual insights, Pete and Valerie offer listeners comfort and encouragement: we’re all secretly weird, human drama is universal, there’s less to do than we think, and unconditional love is at the core of everything—if only we remember.

Final note:
“Just love. Less to do than we think. There’s nothing to worry about. It’s okay already.”

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird.

[A]

You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made it weird. Made it weird. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos?

[A]

It's a great one. It's a fun one.

[B]

It's a Zoomie.

[A]

It's a Zoomie. But it didn't feel like a Zoomie.

[B]

It didn't.

[A]

It. It felt like such a great hang. Val, I'm so grateful for you and for those of you that have been keeping up, the first half is kind of a standard, very funny, interesting relationship chat. And the second half, I'm just happy to say, if you've been listening and I get into non duality and get into a course in miracles, there's a very interesting second half that I don't want you to miss. If you're interested in non duality and the chorus and that sort of stuff that we talk about, don't miss the second half. And I'm currently on the road. Go to peteholmes.com and here are the Pete's picks. If you like the show, support the show, that's a great thing to do for us. Try Pete's Pick. Katie, roll those ads, which is our.

[C]

Friends at the Perfect Jean. I'm also wearing.

[A]

Look at this.

[C]

If you're watching the video, the Perfect Jean now makes the perfect hoodie. I'm wearing the best fitting, best looking, best feeling hoodie. And it's from our friends at the Perfect Jean. They also have new washes, so if you've heard me do this ad a bunch of times, listen again. For the first time, they're now doing khakis, khaki perfect jeans. They're doing a lighter wash. Well, I won't stand up, but I'm wearing them right now. It's like a lighter blue, which is now my new favorite pair. They last so long, if you don't know. They're so comfortable. They're 2% spandex, 2.5% rayon, which means they stretch so your nuts ain't crushed. I love wearing soft pants, but I couldn't find any that looked good. The perfect Jean look like designer, expensive, incredible, high end fashion. But they stretch and bend like they're yoga pants. It's so cool. You could sleep in them. They're that comfortable, you can feel like sting but look like a regular human. They're the only pants I wear for real. I give them to our guests, give out links to them. We sent a link to Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I can't wait, I hope you get some, because you need to be comfortable when you're. When you're exploring the expanses of space and you got to spare your nuts. The perfect gene for the perfectly imperfect men. And now the perfect hoodie. And also the perfect khaki. 20% off when you use code weirdo at checkout. Liberate your lower limbs with the one and only perfect gene. Whether you're working with lemons or lentils, a big three leaf clover, or a hunk and eggplant, the perfect genes got you covered. Take a peek, not a pee. Take a peek at the perfect gene. NYC. That's the perfect J, E A N NYC. And use code weirdo for 20 off at checkout. Feel great, look great, and support this show.

[A]

Okay, everybody, this is so fun. Enjoy.

[B]

Get into it.

[A]

Valerie.

[B]

Hi. I got a new sweatshirt.

[A]

Classic.

[B]

It's kind of a crop top.

[A]

What do you mean? It's a crop tap. You can see your bell.

[B]

No, it's just. It's short.

[A]

It's cut shorter, but not enough to see your bell. Disappointed.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'll get a shorter one next time.

[A]

Just trim it. Just trim it.

[B]

Just trim it. Just enough to see your bell.

[A]

Can I tell you, as we were doing, I have, like, simultaneous gratitude that we're able to zoom. I think everyone working in these, in these United States, in these, in these modern times can relate that, like, it's a miracle that you and I can, you know, open up a laptop and talk to each other face to face.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's like, something sort of draining about it and sort of inconvenient about it. And what people didn't hear was all the, like, okay, turn the mic on and this and that and. And get it going and record it and all that. And then. But it is faster then. What I'm saying is the thing that I always think about with modern technology, I forget who said it, but they're like, we save all of this time. Everything is a time saver. Like the microwave is a time saver. Or sending an email is faster than going to the post office and mailing a letter. Yeah, all of them are time savers. But why do we feel more rushed? Like we're saving. I'm watching the banshees of Inisherin. Am I saying?

[B]

Oh, the banshees of. I think it's pronounced the banshees of Ed Sheeran. That's what I've been calling it. Anyway.

[A]

Then you take a sip of your mug. This is brutal. To not be Next to you. To do this over zoom is pure. It's a death sentence.

[B]

A little dramatic. Might as well be dead.

[A]

Of Eddie. Eddie Sheeran?

[B]

Yeah, the. The banshees of old Eddie Sheeran.

[A]

Well, he looks like he's from Inisheran. Is that. Is that why he's named that?

[B]

He's. Was. Did. Wait, did his parents mispronounce in a Sheeran and name him Ed Sheeran? Like, it gets really.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

The theory just gets more and more ridiculous. Wait, is that what happened?

[A]

Well, that is hilarious. I want to rewatch that movie with you. I've been watching it, as is not intended, on an iPhone, flying to Milwaukee. In fact, I would wager that the director and the actors in that movie while they were shooting it on the rolling hills of an island in a Sheeran, Ed Sheeran near Ireland, would be haunted to know that people are just watching it on their iPhones on a flight to Milwaukee.

[B]

But I will watch it. I will say that I had my friend Ariella give me a play by play about what it was about. And her review of it was. She was like, it was good. I mean, it's undeniably good. It's just. It's such a film. She was like. Like, they set out to make a film and they, like, made a film.

[A]

That's interesting. I wonder why I disagree so strongly. I know what she means. I feel that way about the whale. I feel like the whale was like, that was a play. I know I've already said this on the pod, but that was so clearly a play. Or Frost, Nixon, also a play that became a movie. These things are so films, like fucking films. And I feel like the Banshees of Vinisheer. And going back to my thing about technology reminds me that, you know, how a workday, the amount of work you have to do, will expand to fill the time that you give it. You know that phenomenon.

[B]

Yes. Huh.

[A]

Like, if we were like, okay, we only have one thing to do, but if you have eight hours to do it, somehow it'll take eight hours to do it. But if you only had two hours to do it, you would have done it in two hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The same is true with human drama. So what I love about that, the movie, even though I haven't seen all of it yet, and I will on a very small phone screen. But, like, human drama is the same way. Human life is the same way, that even if you just live on a tiny island and there's only like seven people, it seems human drama expands to Fill up your days. So this is not a spoiler. The Banshees of Inisherin is just so far basically the inciting part of it. Like, what makes it getting going as a movie is that a guy doesn't want to be friends with another guy anymore.

[B]

Anymore. Yeah.

[A]

But I was like, so this is what technology is saving us from, you know, like little micro problems like that. But at the same time, nothing's changed. Like, why didn't blah, blah, blah respond to me on Instagram? Or why don't don't they follow me? Like, human life is like water. Like, what we do is like our lives are like water. And you can put it in any container, including a strange AI infused, like, hyper future where we're living in cities that look like ink cartridges and modern printers and we're moving around like bits of data. It doesn't really matter. Or you're living on an island. It's kind of like you'll find things to obsess about, to worry about and to solve, even if it is just that guy doesn't want. And they're just as rich as like. That's what I find fascinating about the movie is that tiny, tiny, tiny problem. That guy doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It reminds me of junior high for the people listening that haven't seen this movie. It doesn't matter. We all know that in junior high that friend doesn't want to eat lunch with you anymore, and that is your life. So when I'm watching that movie, I'm reminded and brought back to just like such a simple. I just sound like such a white guy in his 40s. But I'm like. It really transported me to just like two things. One, something more relaxing. But two, no matter where you go, not just there you are, but there it is. There human drama is. You could be a monk in the French Alps. There's gonna be an issue. There's gonna be something. There's a nose breathe. Like his nose whistles. Your soup is by the time you get it back to your hermitage, like, we're. We're water. And it finds a way to expand into the same crevices no matter what. And that also. Sorry to go on and on, but that also gives me hope about the scary upcoming future where we don't know what's going to happen. I'm like, what's going to happen is what's always happened. It's just what's. It's just what happens.

[B]

This is kind of what I've been saying. I've been saying that. I mean, I've got. I've recently there. There's been enough, like, AI doomsday conversations amongst our friends that I've been like, oh, okay, I guess I'm starting to get worried. But my original position was like, human beings are human beings, and, like, yes, our lives will probably change in the way that the iPhone changed our lives, but, like, when it comes to how we are and our desires and our needs and our wants and our relationships, like, that is. That is seems impossible to transcend. Like, that's just how we are. And Banshees of Ed Sheeran, you know, is like an allegory for Ireland.

[A]

Yeah. The Civil War, I think.

[B]

Yeah. And, like, so it's. It's so interesting how full countries can behave like junior hires. Like, that's what's so beautiful about it is, like, that's made up of people who are having the same petty issues of rejection and.

[A]

And they're working out the same. We know this, like, wars are started because of, like, psychological, unresolved issues, but there's just some guy at the helm that's gonna, like, you know, people, we made that joke about Trump that he's like, daddy, can you see me? Yeah, Daddy, do you care? You know, like, that? We. We know.

[B]

Finish it. Just sing the rest.

[A]

I have a billion dollars I have.

[B]

Fine golden hair Fine golden hair.

[A]

That's a Mulaney line. That's one of the great joys of my standup career was Mulaney had a line that I always used to love where he talked about, this is way before Trump was president, obviously. This is when we were both young standups, and he was like, Trump seems like the idea of what a hobo would imagine a rich person seems like. And then he does kind of like a boxcar, you know, unhoused person voice going, like, when my number, when my train comes in, I'm going to have tall buildings with my name on them. I'll have fine golden hair. And it. It always didn't do that well. And he. I mean, I understand, like, Mulaney's maybe the biggest. One of the biggest standups in the world. So I understand that there's a slight brag or maybe some pride to this, but that he was like, I think I'm going to cut that line. And I was like, don't cut that line. That's the funniest line. And then he did it on Fallon or Kimmel or something, and it destroyed, like, that line specifically did really well. And, you know, Mulaney is such a. Such a savant or like a. He's just like the purest talent of a standup. So it's a rare thing to get in his act, even if it's. Just keep that line. It's. In fact, I would say that's the only way you can get it. And it's just go like, believe in yourself, Johnny.

[B]

What you're doing, buddy.

[A]

It's working. And I'm basically a guy handing a cup of water to someone running a marathon. And I was like, I had a lot to do with that. I had a. That. That win is ours.

[B]

No, but that is.

[A]

Well, you're my best friend, so of course you. You'd be on my side, and I appreciate that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which. Which, by the way, not to step that out. I want to get back to AI just because there's a slight. There's. There's more hope. I. I want to share there too. But that is so simple. I was just. I was talking to a friend of mine and. And how he just feels overlooked. I wonder how many male pain bodies the voices. Nobody knows how hard it is to be me. And I'm currently in. We know that's my voice. I'm currently in Milwaukee to do shows. And you always say. And you. Look, I. I was gonna say. And you always should say. I guess what I mean by that is I always so appreciate that you say thank you for working hard for the family. And I know people have different love languages, but, like, you know, I slept. I slept like 12 hours last night. You could have been like, well, enjoy your hotel bed. You know what I mean? Like, that. That's on. That's on the menu.

[B]

But, you know, but that's. I. I think in general, when. Let's say, even if you were on, like, some sort of retreat, like that. I understand. I totally understand the appeal of, like, when you are the partner that's staying home and your other partner is getting, you know, sleep or something that you're not getting. Wanting them to know that it's hard here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just. It's just kind of petty to do that because it's. And we do to certain degrees. Like, I'll tell. You know, I'll tell you, like, Lila was up last night and, you know, whatever. But I don't know. It's. When I'm the one that's away, I always appreciate that you make it seem like it's not that big of a deal. Even if she had, like, a huge meltdown, you'll be like, it was rough, but it's fine. We got through it because it's like you're away. What's. What good comes from you feeling guilty about being away?

[A]

That's a really interesting question. So we'll get into it later. But I did. I did ketamine therapy, which, as you know, which was incredible. And it was with a guide, and it was amazing. And I wasn't planning on getting into it so quickly, but one of the things that we. That, like, sort of came to me. It's come to me in moments where I wasn't, you know, on a thing, but it was the idea that the past is just. Is like a waterfall. It's like it's all falling off into nothing. So it's gone. Meaning, like, I. I'm doing it today. I'm in Milwaukee, and I get overwhelmed at the idea of time. The idea of a full day before my. Before the show tonight. What am I going to do? I get panic. I get paralysis. I get a little, like, scared. I'm like, there's all these things I should do and I ought to do, and. And I know now I'm going to the future, but the future isn't there. I know this sounds so basic, but the future isn't there.

[B]

No, it's in the past there.

[A]

It's not there, and the past isn't there. Every psychedelic gives you these really basic revelations, but you really embody them. It's like you have this balloon in you, this flaccid balloon. And that flaccid balloon says on it, the future isn't there and the past isn't there. And you know that. You know that the future. You could just say the future isn't written. Like, it's not happening yet, or you can't really control it and the past is gone. But, like, when you have a ceremony like that or a therapeutic experience like that, it blows up the balloon. And it's all you are. It's now. It's. It fills you up and you're completely full.

[B]

So it's an embodied feeling. It's not like a concept in your mind. It's like. It's your experience. Yeah.

[A]

You're buried in the sand at the beach of that idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you. The relief of it, where you go, it's just now. It's just now and it's. Everything is now, but also the. Again, it seemed like such a revelation to go like, why do we dredge up the past? Yeah, we create the past. And I'm not Saying we can't learn from the past and explore the past. And when I write and tell stories, we're thinking of the past and it's important.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But when it comes to, when it comes to like dread, we all, so much of us are going like, remember when you got drunk at Thanksgiving? Like, we, we're obsessed with it. And, and we, and you lose the, the infinite potential of the present to feel how you want to feel, to be how you want to be, to surrender into it as much as you want to surrender into it because you're too busy going like, yeah, it was a rough night with Leela last night. This is like, maybe one of the biggest you could say, life hacks is to just go like, just this, just this, like. Yeah, like the, like the Frozen song. Just do the next right Thing. That's kind of a song about like, just be present. Just, just do what you're doing right now. Don't get overwhelmed with the 30 things you could do. Maybe just start with. With one of them.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. I kind of told myself that this morning because she Woke up at 6 and I was like, I did. I was laughing with our friends Chris and Jen this morning at drop off because I was like, I had this idea that like, maybe if I didn't look at the clock, I wouldn't feel so tired if she gets up early. Because I was like, I'm probably telling myself the story of.

[A]

You are.

[B]

It's really early. But this morning I woke up and before I even opened my eyes, I was like, it's early. I can tell.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So there's no.

[A]

It's both.

[B]

It's totally both.

[A]

But I, I was ready to say the clock is the narrator of our lives. It's going, yeah, and you're 34 years old. Shut the up narrator. And it's only 9am and you've already been disrespected three times. Get the out of your narrator.

[B]

Keeping score total. That's exactly right.

[A]

You have done more by now. Get the fuck out of here.

[B]

It's interesting to do that. Obviously, that's our, our main spiritual practice, like totally stripped down. Or mine is trying to remember that and to be present. But it's interesting that you brought it up kind of in relationship to doing that in relationships, like doing that for each other. So not building a story of like, well, you've been gone this many times and I've only been gone this time and I'm about to go, so you have to do this and you're gonna be like, they're like the way that we sort of, like, keep things in a relationship. You, like, have an idea of, like, a scale in your mind. Like, I deserve this because I got that. You know, and you can torture yourself with that if. Because I heard. Actually, I heard Michelle Obama say this on some. Some show about, like, she was like, relationships aren't 50, 50 at any given time. Like, they're never at one time. 50, 50. It's like a long process of, like, sometimes it is 30, 70. You. And it is, you know, and then.

[A]

Like, if Obama's in the Situation Room. Yeah. I feel like it's 99. 1.

[B]

Well.

[A]

And like, she's doing all the parenting on that day.

[B]

Totally. And I can't.

[A]

You can't call into the red phone in the war room and be like, did you feed the dog? Might be 100 0.

[B]

And I feel like probably for 10 years of her life, it was really imbalanced.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, you know, maybe she's. It seems like she's getting to have her time now, but. Yeah, I just loved thinking about it that way. But anyway, going back to, like, just being present, like, how many relationships. That's. The demise of relationships is the stories that we tell about. This is the person who does this, this, this, and this to me, you know, so it's like, if. If your partner. I'm gonna use just, like, a random example, and then it's, like, very specific to you.

[A]

He's very tall and gassy. He's always walking around in billowing PJ pants and letting them rip.

[B]

Now, just like, out of thin air, this is what's coming up. No, but it's like, if your. Your partner always. What is an example of things people hate? Like, they always, like, are. Are kind of, like, quiet at parties or something, and you wish that they would enjoy parties. That does sound like it's about you, but it's not. I was thinking about another relationship.

[A]

That's very good. But I was gonna say they always leave the butter out. That's Michelle Obama's example.

[B]

Sure. Exactly. It's like, instead of just being present, like, a truly present person would just put the butter back. But yeah. Not only does she have the stories that she's telling herself about, he always leaves the butter out, but it's probably also like, he never thinks about other people.

[A]

That's right. It's not the butter.

[B]

It's not the butter.

[A]

This whole time I've been thinking, this is all well and good, and it is. You Only say that when you're about to shit on it. That's all well and good. No, I think the reason. Okay, so, Eckhart Tolle. I use this. The second plane I flew to Denver, and then I flew from Denver to Milwaukee. And. And the second plane just had one of those delays where you're sitting and my butt's already sore. This is another reason. I just know I'm 44, like sitting on tiny planes. I'm just like, I'm sore. Like I'm, I'm like pulsing like a brain. Like a, like a, like a evil mad scientist exposed brain. I'm just kind of like, sure. It's like I can't.

[B]

Electricity coming out of it.

[A]

Yes. Why can I feel my pulse in my quads? Like, I'm just not comfortable. So I'm trying to tune out. I played the new Zelda game on the plane, which was fun, and I got lost in it. And it's really great, obviously. And then I was playing it almost to the point where I was like, okay, I think I'm done playing it. Which means it had been like an hour. And I looked and we hadn't taken off yet. And I was just like, no. Like, I used all of my, like, zoned out, lost in some piece of entertainment time. And it didn't even really take a bite out of the flight. It take a bite out of the flight.

[B]

Didn't take a bite out of the flight.

[A]

Yeah. There. Thank you. And I thought, as I often, or as I try to in situations like this, to think of something Eckhart Tolle says, which is, you haven't been waiting in line for three hours. You're waiting in line right now. Especially line. Line is a little bit trickier because you can get out of line. You can, you can make the choice. This isn't worth it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't need a cup of crystal light that badly.

[B]

What store is this?

[A]

I pictured it like a lemonade stand, but the kids are terrible with the money and their sticky hands and there's like a nickel on one of the girls faces and they're just trying to do change and they keep throwing up like dry Fruit loops. It's just like a mess. And I'm like, you know what? I want to support the community and show these kids commerce, but I'm out of here. But on the plane when I have to go to Milwaukee and I have to stay on, that is super helpful to say, okay, I haven't been on the plane for an hour already. I'm on the plane right now. I'm on the plane right now. Yeah. But what I was going to add to that was. And I'm very interested in relationship dynamics. I have had other relationships where it was like, the imbalance. And I don't even like thinking of it that way, because you and I, our strategy is, like, don't even look at the idea of balance. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's a seesaw, and you want that seesaw off the ground, like a table. Just flat, parallel to the ground. Nice and balanced, even. Of course, it's not always going to be. It's going to move around. But you and I, I think our strategy is don't even look. Don't even talk about the seesaw, because it's gross. It's. I. I feel like something's gone undiagnosed for too long. If you're. Or just your lifestyle styles are too different, if you're even having to address it. I just like that. We're like. There's an unspoken music playing behind our relationship. Where you and I. James Finley did the podcast. He talked about a relationship being a person who's so safe to you, that they're so safe. I think I already told you this. They don't even want you to take off your mask. Your mask being your personality and kind of your Persona and the version of yourself you think you have to show to the world because you're scared if you show your real self, they'll run away. Your true love doesn't even insist you take your mask off. This is gonna. Unbelievable. He goes, they actually adjust it for you. They go, let me help you with your mask. Let me make sure it fits. Let me make sure you feel safe. And this is James Finley. It'll be out in a couple of weeks. He goes, then the mask turns transparent.

[B]

It just.

[A]

Naturally, you don't even have to go through the discomfort of taking it off. Similarly, not to pay ourselves. I know. Isn't that a tearjerker?

[B]

Beautiful.

[A]

I keep thinking about it.

[C]

He's.

[A]

He's a. He's a. I called him a hobbit, but he's really more like Gandalf. But there's an un. So the music. There is a music to our relationship and meaning. It's natural. It's happening. And you're safe enough that I can listen to it, and I'm safe enough that you can listen to it. And that music. This is a cliche. You hate dishes in the sink, even when the cleaners are coming over. Or a babysitter is coming over. I have a very masculine. What's the deal? What's the big deal? Everybody knows dishes are in sinks, but you don't like that. That's my, that's my cue. It's like I'm reading the sheet music and I see, oh, the babysitter's coming. I'll clean the dishes. Or you saying, thank you for working hard for the family. My friend was telling me how much it meant to him that his wife isn't typically a person that says things like, thank you for working hard for the family. And he was working hard to replace their deck. And then she was telling their friends, this is the deck that, that, let's say his name is Steve did. And how much it filled him with something he didn't even know he needed. Just a little recognition. But when. When the, when things are safe and peaceful and safe is really the right word, you can listen to that music and address your partner's needs without feeling like you have to, or you're supposed to balance it. Or like, oh, she did let me have my poker night. I guess I should let her go to karaoke, you know?

[B]

Yeah. I think it's. I am so with you. And we are sort of attuned in a way that just works. That being said, I do. That's all well and good, but I do think that I, I. Well, two thoughts. One is, I am aware. Like, I would be lying if I wasn't. Just like, I am aware sometimes that it's, you know, it's like, okay, I was in LA over the overnight, you know, and you did the, the put down and then you did everything in the morning. So then, like, I'll offer to pick Leela up from school. And I'm not. It's not like this frantic, like, balancing, but there is an awareness. Of what?

[A]

Well, that's funny because that's the not looking at the seesaw. I just, I don't assume, but there is just sort of like a. Yeah.

[B]

It'S like a dance.

[A]

Take, for example, yesterday morning, I was flying to Milwaukee. So Leela got up at 5:30 in the morning, and I just got up with her. We didn't discuss it. It was just like, well, Val's going to be alone with the baby for four days. All I'm doing today is traveling. It's okay to travel when you're exhausted. I got up with the baby added to it. You go, I'm just a morning person anyway, so this is okay. Like, this is, this is like a 3 out of 10. Whereas for you, it's like a 9 out of 10. So, like, you just take the hit. But it's natural. It's not even from the brain. It's just kind of. It is a little bit from the brain, but it's more just like there's a flow to it.

[B]

There is.

[A]

I also don't, for sure, quietly resent you, and you're not mean to me, and I don't have to play games where I'm trying to, like, with the butter, communicate to you, hey, you, like, even if it's really unconscious.

[B]

Well, that's the thing I'm thinking is, you know, if you are able to do that with your partner and there's an attunement and a safety there, that's fantastic. And we're lucky that that's the case. It's definitely the case with. With Leela. And if that's not the case, that doesn't mean that it's a bad relationship. That just means that that is. There is something to be said for commute. Just communicating, like, hey, I need this.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

It really means a lot to me when I cook dinner and, like, the dishes, if you clean up, if. When I cook dinner and then I'm putting Leila down, it means a lot to me when I come down and the kitchen is clean. Like that. Just, like, communicating clearly, because I think that's what. That's the lesson for me is I actually, you know, can fall into a tendency to not want to seem like a nag or to. To, you know, I just don't want any kind of confrontation. And then it's easy for me to. It'll, like. It will come out in passive aggression or, like, some sort of, like, snarky. Like, I'm just joking, you know, whatever.

[A]

So it's a balance, being being safe to not be embarrassed. For me to say, like, for example, my. One of my greatest love languages is you come to the Largo shows and you jot down little things. That this sounds obnoxious. Maybe it sounds. I guess.

[B]

I don't think it does.

[A]

I'm worried that sounds obnoxious. But you do watch my set. Even if Brett Goldstein is there, you don't chat with him while I'm on stage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I don't know if that's codependent, but, like, no, I don't think it is. It's just my love language is being seen, especially in a vulnerable. In a vulnerable place. We were laughing, and then we'll go to the mid rolls and then I want to talk about my. My ketamine experience a little bit with you. And we also owe some thoughts on AI. But I remember going to piano lessons when I was little and my mom always used to come with me and that meant so much. And then one week she didn't come with me and I was at my lesson and I just burst into tears. So there's that. And then I just told you this new memory. By the way, my piano teacher was so cool about it. I still remember it. He was so cool. Because you're embarrassed. Yeah, I mean, I was 22. No, I'm just kidding.

[B]

That is codependent.

[A]

You are the father. The other one was. And I told you that. Like I. I don't know if my mind has been more open to this since my. My thing, like my, my session. But I've noticed that there's just a certain. There's like 12 memories that when you're falling asleep or you're just driving in the car, or you just have an idle moment, your brain just kind of throws these back at you. Some of them are traumatic, some of them are, but they're. They're so benign. Like I think about them so often that they don't even really have a sting to them. One of them, I told you, was getting yelled at by my friend's dad at a sleepover. Again, I was crying and he. I know. And he made fun of me for crying. That's what was so brutal, was he said he's crying like a baby. Just a real like long haired, Eric Clapton, Vermont motherfucker. That was like that, like. And I remember having that thought where I was like, I'm a kid and I'm your guest.

[B]

Like, why are you talking to me like that?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, if. I don't know if my mom ever chewed him out, but she probably would have if I told her.

[B]

I'm guessing. Yeah.

[A]

But then the other one. So that's one that just comes back very benign. It doesn't like upset me. It just floats in and goes like, of course again, it feeds into stand up. It's like, nobody's gonna yell at me for crying. Like, I'll be the one that's controlling the room because yeah, if you show how you're feeling and you're vulnerable, some weird fake hippie, those, you know, those fake hippies, he's gonna yell at you. The other one was I. It was a summer day, like I was on summer vacation and we had rented Kindergarten Cop which would help us place the year it was. And I remember the vhs, you know, it was one of those. You squeeze it at the bottom and it slides out.

[B]

Yeah. Plastic.

[A]

It wasn't the book of the movie. It was the.

[B]

No, the padded book.

[A]

Yeah, the padded book. Trey Disney. Trey Disney. This was a squeeze at the bottom, and it said Schwarzenegger, Kindergarten Cop. And I had nothing to do. I remember being so profoundly bored when I was a kid during the summer. It was always great for, like, two weeks, and then I was bored for a month and a half. So I decided to memorize how to spell Schwarzenegger. And then, bless you. Bless you twice. And you already heard the story. But this is one of those key memories. My dad came home or something. I think he was home. It must have been, I don't know, Saturday. And I went up to him and I was like, hey, Dad, I know how to spell Schwarzenegger. S, C, H, W, A, R, Z, E, N, E, G, G, E, R. And he went, what a waste of time. Of all the things you could be doing with your. With your day. Like, he. Like. It was the opposite. I thought. I know. I thought he was going to be blown away. And I smelled Schwarzenegger, and he, like, gave me, like, it's so 80s.

[B]

It's so, so 80s. These people had no business having kids.

[A]

The 80s was so different. Like, it was. Oh, and. And they. They look. I know. They look at us going, like, if Leela spelled Schwarzenegger to me, I'd be like, incredible. You. You used your mind. Tell me, how did you break it down like you learned something.

[B]

Well, I did it. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

[A]

We just know that learning is learning. It doesn't matter what you learned. You're learning how to learn.

[B]

And beyond that, we know that we can recognize when our kid wants a little bit of attention from us and wants us to be proud and we just give it to them. There's not this, like, Right. You know, he was so in his own world. And that's the thing is, like, he.

[A]

Might have been incredibly stressed, obviously.

[B]

But also, that's like, even if you were incredibly stressed out trying to, like, book a flight on your phone, Brody is barking.

[A]

19 seconds left for this rate.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Brody's barking. Leela comes up to you and is. And spells a word. You'd be like, oh. Even if for a minute, you're like, just a. I can totally picture the scene. It would be like. Let's say even for a minute, you're like, just a second. Leigh. You would realize, wait a minute, my priorities are wrong. And you'd be like, wait, come back here. Will you spell that for me again? And then make, like, a huge deal about it.

[A]

Okay, well, this, Valerie, is. I don't want to give us too much credit. I'm just saying. We were just talking about relationship theory, but then you just demonstrated it. Like, what am I saying when I'm telling you that my father, like, negged me for memorizing Schwarzenegger? I'm telling you I'm afraid that that capacity is in me, as of course it is. I'm saying I'm worried that, in fact, I would say maybe my number one. One of my number one psychological fears is I am a rage monster. And I hate, and I hate everything, and I hate any. Everybody. And I'm selfish, and I only care about myself and really, like, I just want to. And so you just did what we've been talking about. You heard the music. Yeah. And you didn't get lost in the form? The form is, I'm telling you, my father didn't appreciate that I learned to spell Schwarzenegger. Such a silly sentence. The content feels big to me, too. Right? I. Well, you do that. You join me where I am. I'm lost in the woods. And instead of saying, hey, dipshit, come out of the woods, you come into the woods with me. And you go, that was really hard. That was really scary and sad. But then you also say, I'm going to look not at the forum, but at the content. And the content says, I'm scared that that's me. And you say, I know you wouldn't do that with Leela. And that is someone adjusting your mask to the point it becomes transparent. We're not just talking about it anymore. I'm saying, val, I'm afraid if my mask slips, like, the other night, I was at Largo, and somebody just said something kind of sarcastic and snarky, and I really turned on them. Like, I really was, like, in a joking way.

[B]

While you were on stage.

[A]

Yeah, I was on st. I was trying to do something, and they said something kind of shitty. And I, in my own summation, just sort of had a flare up of like, shut the fuck up. Like, eat a bag of dicks. People are laughing, but I'm like, oh, no. I am a rage monster. And after the show, you were like. You said the most brilliant thing, by the way. It was such a small thing. And that's what you said. You were like, don't forget that your memory of what happened is, includes the memory of how you felt, which they weren't experiencing. I felt this surge of defensiveness and anger, and when I think about how weird that was, I'm remembering the feeling, and you're like, they saw something else. Like, and that was just another example of you going like, don't worry, don't worry, it's okay.

[B]

Yeah, you do the same thing for me all the time. Everything I bring to you, you're like, I know exactly how that feels. You know, But I also wanted to say about the, you know, the rage monster and all of that, both of those memories, by the way, if you said that in my. To my therapist, she would so beautifully. If you shared that memory, she would so beautifully go, and what. What are you noticing? Can we slow down with this? Like, what are you noticing in your body when you remember that? Which I think is key. Like, I do think these memories, these 12 memories that come up, you know, are coming up because they're core memories because they've. They've shaped some part of you, but also because they probably are like crying babies that, that maybe need just a little bit of love. And when you first told me the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing, I was like, okay, I'm gonna go back in time and wrap that kid in a blanket and say, oh, my God, you spelled Schwarzenegger. Most people can't even say that. And you spelled it, you know, and there's a real. There really is.

[A]

No. It feels good even for you to just say that.

[B]

Yeah. Because your limbic brain doesn't know time, so it doesn't know that that isn't happening back then when it needed to happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why child self work is so important and so, so effective. And also, it's another thing, you know, another way that with the rage monster, that's a good thing to work with with internal family systems, which I don't know as much about. I know a lot of people, when I do bring it up, a lot of people end up writing to me about how much it's helped them. So I don't know that much about it, but I do know that it's the work that I've done with it. It's like the. That rage monster is one of your protectors. Isn't it interesting that the tender, truest, you know, squishy child part of you was the one who learned how to spell Schwarzenegger? And then your dad's protector, his rage monster, responded and it made you build a protector that is.

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[B]

Similar. Because of course you were like, oh, well, that really hurts me. So I have to make my own protector for that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And. And the same thing with the. With the fake hippie making you cry specifically. And poor boys. Oh, it really makes me sick to my stomach that it is said to boys like, you're crying like a baby or certainly like, you're crying like a girl. Any of that stuff is. Just makes me want to throw up. It's brutal that you guys had to go through that. But that's like, that is. He might as well be saying, do not be sad or tender or soft or vulnerable or open to life. Stop doing that right now. Build a rage monster protector and don't let anyone affect you. And if anybody tries to ever hurt you again, breathe fire into them until they're scorched. Like, I mean, he's just like, that is the subtext of what's happening. So all you did was build a Persona to. To protect that soft part.

[A]

And I also like that you noticed that my dad's is just to protect him.

[B]

Exactly. Right.

[A]

Like, and. Yeah. Okay, so I have a lot on that. And we have the other things. Let's go to the mid rolls real quick.

[C]

This Mother's Day, I decided to give Val for real, something that was way better and lasted way longer than a brunch to say thank you to her for all that she does for our family. We got her her very own electric E bike because sure, you can do breakfast in bed, but why not instead transform her day to day errands into fun, carefree, mini adventures? And let's be real, what moms really need is a little quality time, a little me time to themselves. And electric E bikes will take her wherever she wants to go, giving her fun and that craved solitude as a parent. To be honest, we also. I got one for myself because, you know, we want to do it as a family. And we got the. Yep, Maxi seat accessory so Leela can come along with us. Because what we're looking for is something to do as a family that would get us outside and get us moving. That was fun enough to keep our four year old engaged, but also fun enough to get us motivated to get out the door and away from the couch and the tv. But the bikes are so comfortable. They're like moving couches. They make errands a breeze. And they are so, so fun. It's making us enjoy our neighborhood and nature and fresh air so much. And because they're electric, you can roam freely and reach up to 28mph with the twist of a throttle or their next level pedal assist. And they cost way less than the competition and are foldable. They ship free and come fully assembled. It was awesome.

[A]

It was easy.

[C]

There's no looking back. We are now electric bike family. So celebrate your mom or yourself and give the freedom that comes with electricity. E bike or visit not or so to do this not or visit Lectric. Like the word electric without the E L E C T R I c e bikes.com to learn more and to explore the epic models Lectric has to offer. That's L E C T R I c e bikes.com.

[A]

Yeah. All right.

[C]

Okay, what's next? Our friends at Ritual, which is my rich.

[A]

Why did I say this so weird?

[C]

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[A]

Boom.

[C]

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[A]

What they are for.

[C]

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[A]

Okay, we're back. One, thank you so much for that. It was brilliant. Two, you're helping me remember why when I would watch Full House, and I'd love your thoughts on this, when there would be a moment of altercation like that. Like, maybe my dad did notice or maybe he didn't, I don't know, after the, the Schwarzenegger moment. Surely I, I, I'm sure I didn't say, like, hey, that's not cool. Like, I didn't say that. But, you know, your body language changes, you walk away or, or, or, or nothing. But, like, you might realize, like, oh, fuck. You know, he, he probably just wanted some attention. He probably just wanted some love. Why? Why? And I'm having a day. I'm worried about the mortgage. I'm worried about this. I'm worried about that. Things aren't great with this. Okay, I think I'll circle back. There was just no circling back. So when I.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So here, here we're talking about the past in a way that I wish we would go over the waterfall. So sometimes you do need it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So it's both. It's a paradox. It is over, and it's not over. It's super strange. But to finish the point, in Full House, whenever Danny Tanner would go up and sit on the edge of the bed.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Go like, hey, I noticed that you felt. And I was, I would, as a child, practically, like, little, Like a little Bill Burr be screaming, this is bullshit. This is bullshit. And I didn't necessarily like it. I mean, I envied it and all that sort of stuff, but there was part of me that was angry about it. I was like, fuck this. What is this?

[B]

Yes. Oh, my gosh. Well, I can't believe that that is your example, because I've, for years, and I've actually sort of changed. I've gone back and forth on how I feel about the, like, going upstairs and sitting on the bed. So. Because that was one of, like, the first observations I had about my childhood and how my parents parented. And I remember saying I was obsessed with Full House and they always would say something and then run upstairs and then, like, one, if not all of them would come into the room and, like, repair it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I, I Have vivid memories as a child of being like, it's just not fair. And then, like, running into my room and just, like, waiting, buddy, nobody's coming. And, like, to my parents, they were just like, well, we have to treat her that we. You know, we have to teach her that she can't just, like, be getting attention in this way.

[A]

I'm dead.

[B]

And I thought that for a while, like, a. Basically, my adult life before having Leela, I was like, they were right to do that because I shouldn't be doing that for attention. Like, I'm glad because I would. I would have been spoiled if they had come in when I did that.

[A]

Okay. I have to. I have to. There's this line in one of Father Greg Boyle's books, three of my favorite books of all time. Barking to the Choir, Tattoos on the Heart and the Whole Language are the name of them. Great audiobooks, by the way, as well. He reads them beautifully. So he talks. So Father Boyle is obviously in Homeboy Industries, which is so dear to my heart and their gang rehabilitation. And a question that he gets all the time is, aren't you worried these gang members or these ex gang members are taking advantage of you? And he says, how could they take my advantage when I'm giving them my advantage? And I'm just like, that is. That is what divine love sounds like to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I also want to concede that I have. I remember I was playing basketball with Wyatt, who is your brother's son.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that makes him my nephew. Nephew by marriage.

[B]

But you just say nephew.

[A]

This is my nephew by marriage. No, I really. I really shine a light on it. We're not blood relatives, and I say that to him all the time.

[B]

Was his birthday three days ago. And this is the thanks he gets.

[A]

And this is the. I know we sent him a very funny video filled with personal jokes. I love Wyatt. I'm so. This is defensive.

[B]

I'm in love with Wyatt.

[A]

I'm in love with Wyatt. I'm great with white. We play bits. We're close. And I also remember a time when we were playing basketball and. And he was being really sensitive, and I. I felt an instinct to be like, this kid has to learn. Like. Like, I'm embarrassed or vulnerable in sharing that. But I remember being like, the ball is going to sometimes bounce and hit you. Like, that's just. And I had zero compassion. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he. He got hit by the ball. And I remember being like. And he ran and he was crying, and I. And I remember feeling like ancient man I didn't feel like Pete. I was like, possessed by the spirit of a caveman. So it's similar, by the way. This is complete real. I'm not trying to be good. Similar to my father saying, why did you waste your day learning how to spell Schwarzenegger? I swear, if he was possessed with that, then that was good that I experienced that. It increased compassion. Because there are times in our lives when a boy gets hit with a basketball and he cries and you're rolling your eyes. You know, hopefully he didn't notice. I'm not telling him as we would in the 80s, man up and all that bullshit. I was just kind of quietly judging him. But that's good. I have this. Go ahead.

[B]

I was just going to say I. That is so interesting. And like, I think this would come up a lot more if we had a boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You would be coming up against this and having the opportunities to heal that part of you because of course that feels unacceptable. Like, unacceptable behavior to your child self because you were deliberately told it wasn't okay to be that way.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So when you see a kid being that way, it's. It's almost. Especially if it's a kid that you care about. There's almost this protection of like, no, no, no, no, you can't. You can't do that. But it's your child self being like, we're not allowed. Like, we're not allowed to cry like that. And this is what I've been trying to tell you. This is what I've been going through with Lila. And maybe I have it more because it's like a girl thing. I hate these gender norms, but you know what I mean? And that's exactly it. So the part of me that was like, running to my room and then my parents would not come because they're not gonna like, reward that behavior with attention is. Is the idea that is the part of me that thinks it's like, unbearable when she cries. And you know, like, either you give in or she's been like, you know, a friend will take a toy and she cries and then the friend gives the toy. And I, like, don't want that to happen because I'm like, she can't just learn that if she cries, she gets whatever she wants. Like, and that there is truth to that. Like, we need. She. It is our responsibility to help her be able to process disappointment full stop. For sure. But you always remind me of this. It like, there will be plenty of that. There just is plenty of that in a day. And she's not. I lost it. But it's like, the reason why it feels so unbearable to me is because that is not at all how I was taught specifically that you cannot behave that way. So when I see her doing it, I'm so worried that she's gonna get spoiled if. You know, if we do that now when she. She has started running to her room, and I'll say, do you want us to come up or do you want space? Like, that feels like the. The middle ground of it. The cleaners are here.

[A]

Oh. I just wanted you to know I didn't. I didn't want you to be scared.

[B]

Yeah, No, I. I saw them coming in.

[A]

They look like Ghostbusters then. That's terrifying. You know, I'm terrified of the Ghostbusters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jk. Yeah. I think you can see. I think there's something really beautiful going on, that it's possible that parents. This is my theory at least, and Lord knows we're just doing our best, can model something that I think is cosmically or divinely or, like, universally true, which is there's the world and then there's the constant of God's love. You can change the word God, you could say, at your core, you're made of love. You are love.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the world is going to give. I see Leela at school. It's nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the amount of slights and disappointments and injuries and what we would consider disrespect. Getting cut in line. Someone just says, I'm faster than you. Someone just takes your. It's never fucking ending. I show up and I'm like, if I'm the Jolly Green Giant in my leafy toga that comes in and picks her up, even though she's too big to be, like, picked up all the time, I'm picking her up and swooping her out and saying, let's go get pizza. That, to me, has divine roots. It goes, the world is nuts. And. And friends can do this. You. You're my partner. You can do this. Things that remind us that we are loved is so much more than relational love to me. It's a reminder of our. Of our true self, our true identity, and we're. We're mirroring that to one another. So I'm not worried about Leela being spoiled. She goes through. And. And maybe I should be. We'll. We'll. You know, I don't know if that's even a thing anymore, but. But I think there's something about spoiling her with safety, spoiling her with love and, and listening and, and attunement and all that sort of stuff. I'm all about it.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I don't think the idea of spoiling is really true. I do think that sometimes, out of a loving place, parents don't let their child experience disappointment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And that is just. That's my fear of being. And I was just talking to another.

[A]

I said, yeah. By the way, that I hear that we, we work on trying to have Leela experience disappointment, and we do.

[B]

I think we are doing better.

[A]

And, and from us too, like, we. We're giving a lot more no's and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're just not random moments of perceived cruelty from children, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're calculated.

[B]

Yes. And. And I, I think all of that, the, like, as. As hard as it is to think of her as at school right now, and somebody is cutting her in line or somebody's saying something that hurts her feelings, it's all so important for her to learn that people are safe, actually, because they might do things that bother you, but then. And luckily she has, like, good teachers who will help them work it out just like we would. Anything can be worked out. So it's. It's important for her to have those conflicts and get through them so that she's not scared of people. Because she's like, any. Anything can be worked out. And that's the same with disappointment. It's so important for her to experience disappointment and not just be like, okay, okay, here's this. You can have a toy or you can watch the iPad. Just, like, don't be disappointed, but, like, be like, this is disappointing. And that's one of the truths of life. And we're right here and we get through it. So that she knows that you get through that. And all of this is, like, Feels urgent to me because I do feel like it took the bulk of my 20s at least, and I'm still learning this to be like, okay with disappointment, okay with discomfort, you know, feel like I don't. I'm really doing a lot of work to trust my own resilience. So that's why. That's one of the values for me with her is I just want her to be resilience because I want resilient because I want her to be okay, you know?

[A]

Of course. I hear. I hear all of that.

[B]

Yeah. It's tricky, man.

[A]

It is. I. We're. We're pretty. First of all, thank you. Not first of all, but last of all, thank you for doing this. As we're doing it, talk about my love language. I'm like that you set this time aside to, to do the podcast while I'm on the road. I've never had to be like, am I the only one that cares about this? You know, which is always. We're always so close to that meaning, like, I'll jump to that real quick, but you never let me, which is great. I just want to share, I guess, just one simple thing from my, from my ketamine therapy. And then we'll close one for the. The lesson in. I'm going through a course in miracles right now and reading the text as well. But the, the lesson yesterday was, I am at home here. Fear is the stranger. Isn't that, isn't that beautiful? It's like the, the weird thing that imposes on our reality is fear. And this is going from a basic non dual understanding, which is you are love. You know, I wrote it on my mirror. It says, myself rests safely in the mind of God. Like, you are all. You are already home. You could even say your life has already happened. It's already written. Or you could say something more hopeful and say it's all conspiring together for you to recognize yourself and remember love. But like, fear snuck in and convinced us that it was us, basically. And love is who you actually are. And that's not just something nice to say. That's absolutely true. In fact, that's what's great about psychedelics for me. They're not for everybody, but for me, they're these wonderful check ins to go like, oh my God, it's real. The stuff that we study and the stuff that we practice. When you can clear the cobwebs and, and move all of the nonsense and the static out of the way, you get a real look at it. But I had this moment where I was. Tears were streaming down my face and I just. I said there's so much less to do than we think and that I just wanted to share that. Well, I'm sure we'll be unpacking this experience for weeks to come, but the one that I wanted to get out this episode was there's so much less to do than we think. Because again, talk about the balloon. The idea, the deflated balloon in our heart says it's all one or we're all connected or we're all the same. Okay, that's a great idea. You can sit with that idea, you can play with that idea. But when living spirit blows that idea up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you become the Idea that we are all one. The not knowing how to help my mother or. Or love my mother or. Or love my father or. Or repair things, you just go like, it's. It's. It's almost impossible to articulate. But when it's all one, there's no conflict. There's no two things butting up against each other. There's no how I wish it was and how it is. And those two things grinding and sparking, it's just one, and it's perfect peace. And it's. And again, I'm worried about articulating it wrong, but it's in the ballpark of, like, you are your mother. That's. That's kind of as close as I can cut to it. And when I was in it, I kept thinking about the course and a Course in Miracles and how I sit in my little chair in the morning and I read it and how the lesson, the day I had my ketamine therapy was today. Into his presence, I would enter. And the lesson is like, today you will have a new experience. Today you will experience heaven. You will experience oneness. You've learned enough, and you're ready to surrender death in favor of life. You don't need to think about it. Today you will become it. And it's. It's like. It reads like today you will have a psychedelic experience.

[B]

Today you'll do ketamine. Pete?

[A]

Yeah. You might as well say that it was exactly that. And when. When I was there, I kept saying this. We're like monkeys. And we pick up truth in our hands like there's a river of truth, and we scoop it up in our hands like a hand, a handful of water. And then we try to walk it back to this reality. And it's a thousand miles in the desert, and it's evaporating and it's spilling. And then the day. The day after this, the Course in Miracles lesson was all about how in the mind of Christ, which is where I felt like I was, there are these beautiful flowers, and you want to pick them and bring them back to this reality, but they can't survive in the soil. That's not a normal point that it makes. The day after the experience that I had that experience, it was like, the mind of Christ is like flowers that you try to pick and plant over here, but they don't survive in the soil, right? And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So it was incredible. And then I'm driving in the car, this is the day after, and I, out of I haven't listened to Phoebe Bridgers in over a year. I just. She just somehow fell out of rotation. I put her on. I put on Punisher, which is not my favorite record of hers. I actually like the other one a little bit more. But I put on Punisher. And one of the lyrics on Punisher is, you're holding my face like water in your hands. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? The synchronicities are folding and over each other. And when I was in my experience, I was like, oh, my God. One of the. Of Course in Miracles is non. Dual. And one of the ways you could summarize it is God is and everything else. Basically, God is the end that that exists, and everything else is kind of illusory. But I was like, isn't it weird that that's true? Here I am in this experience, and I'm like, that's true. What are the chances that I found this book? And it was like, you wrote the book, not Pete. Perfect love wrote the book, and Perfect love made Pete to read the book, to remember itself. It all seemed like, perfect love is totally in conspiracy with itself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Reveal itself to itself for the sake of love, for the sake of liberation and joy. It was so much more joyful. That's why there's so much less to do than we think. It's joyful. It's already done.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's already won. It's already been accomplished. And you're just playing this totally innocent, gentle game dance to do it. And it was like, of course the. The synchronicities are going to keep flowing in because you're synchronizing yourself. It's, again, not Pete, but the greater I is. Is. Is playing with itself, and it loves itself. And. And that was the last thing I really wanted to get out, because I couldn't wait to share this. I had been scared to do a psychedelic since I started doing A Course in Miracles because one of the fundamental precepts of A Course in Miracles is that the world is an illusion, that the world is a dream. And I was like, well, that sounds like the worst thing to think of if you're on a psychedelic. It seems like it would grab that idea and be like, this is all you, devil. And, like, vanish. And you'd be terrified and just scared, scared, you know, out of your mind. So I was like, I don't want to do any psychedelics. And I didn't really understand how psychedelic ketamine is. It's not visually psychedelic, but it's very. It's. It's in that family. I didn't think it was. And then I'm on it and I'm like, this is. But it's almost like I tricked. I didn't trick myself, but, like, I. I stumbled into it. And then when I was in it and I was feeling so safe and loved, then I realized I'm on a psychedelic. Like, somehow, even though I said I'm not going to do them, I somehow found myself on one. And in the. The peak of the experience, it was like. And this is what I couldn't wait to share. For all of you who've been keeping up with my work, with the course and sharing it, and if it ever freaks you out, it was like this perfect love that we call God doesn't look at our experience as an illusion, a waste of time, a dance. Pete's not even real when the course says God doesn't even know about this reality because God is perfect oneness, so he can't even know about duality. It's because it's this fountain of pure love, pure absolute acceptance and peace and love and truth and joy. And so you could say it's true that it doesn't know in quotes about us, but it's. It's more like what Father Boyle says. God is too busy delighting in you to have a plan for your life. God is too busy delighting you to do anything other than delight in you, including, quote, unquote, knowing about you. What I'm saying is God doesn't even love the illusion. God just loves the illusion. God can't do anything but love. God can't add and subtract from that love. So I was like, I had this very needed, really, really needed experience of like, yes, God loves this, too. You can't even say this too, because it just is love. God loves Pete. To Pete's personality, Pete's life, Pete's everything. The flowers, the weirdness, the storms, the sunsets. God just loves. It can't divide. In fact, that's the point. It's one. It can't divide. So I've been dismissing reality and putting down reality and going, would you wake up, stupid? This isn't real. Only God is real. Forgetting that God is perfect acceptance and love, it's the Father in the prodigal son that throws the party when you return, but he doesn't go, what the fuck were you doing out there with the pigs? Squandering your inheritance, you dipshit. You belonged here. He can't do that. He just throws a party.

[B]

That's that.

[A]

And. And with tears streaming down my face, I go, that's the good news. There's no wrong moves. There's no mistake. There's nothing you can do to fuck it up. And I was like, this whole time, it snuck in the back door. I was studying this. This thought system, and it snuck in the back door that I'm a bad boy. Somehow it snuck in the bad boy. Even though the text over and over says, you're incapable of sin. You're. You are a child of God and you are loved. And. And this experience brought me back to that.

[B]

Oh, love it. Beautiful. Hard.

[A]

Agree. Couldn't wait to share. But I mean, yes, it folds Valerie back into the mix. Like, so much of the time, it's like, well, don't talk about the course too much to Valerie. Now. I was running low on the lubricant.

[B]

The moisture of the heart.

[A]

The moisture of the heart. So the machine was starting to grind. It was all head, and it's all. It's all one. So what are you even on about? This is dumb. And once I poured all of this beautiful oil all over the gears. Yeah, it's running smooth. And I'm so happy to share. And it stuck with me. There's nothing. There's less to do. Meaning just love. Just love. Just. Just remember that you are love. Less to do than you think. You don't have to save people. You don't. You don't even have to. I don't want to get too into that because people might pick that apart, but, like, there's less to do. And it's already all good. It's. It's. And there's nothing to worry about. There's nothing to worry about.

[B]

This is why. And you getting into the course has been a really good practice for me to live this with, which is I think I have found for me. And it sounds like you found this too. You know, we're gonna be. We. We tend to live life like this where we just take in a lot of different teachers and a lot of different ways of getting in to, you know, pure awareness and non duality. And we're just. We're taking in a lot of information. That's what a lot of this podcast is, is like what we're reading, what we're learning, what we're practicing. And the, like, the key thing that I have learned, and I'm new at practicing, but trying to do is just to take all of that information, whatever new information comes in Whatever new practice and run it through the filter of the heart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if it doesn't bring me to a place of love, then that's not my practice, because that's it. Like you said, like, just love. So if it doesn't feel loving, if it's not unlocking that for me, then it's not my practice.

[A]

And that's what was so exciting for me, was because of this lubricant. Now when I'm reading the course, I can see it. I can hear what it's saying more clearly. And it is there. It was there. My. My brain was just, you know, I understand he's sort of the commander in chief a lot of the time. And he was really running into the. Like, nothing is happening. Nothing is happening. And I was like, it's so much better than that. It's so much better than nothing is happening. It's. We kept saying, me and my guide, no wrong moves. There's. He goes, there's nothing you can. Because he was guiding me through it. He goes, there's nothing you can do to. To mess this up. And I go, that. I whispered it. It was very funny. I go, that is all I want to hear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it felt so profound to me was all I want to hear is, there's nothing you can do to mess it up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does that mean? Unconditional love. And then I realized I was having an experience of unconditional love. I also want to say the other wonderful thing. So this was a guided ketamine therapy. At the end of it, I was like, and I don't even have to tell people to do that. This is going to sound maybe a little nuts, but I was like, I did it for us.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, I wasn't like, everyone needs to do this. Which, honestly, after I did mushrooms, that's how I felt. Maybe lsd, but this was like, I don't have to. There's so much less to do than we think. You don't even have to tell people, run out and do this. Run out and change. Run out and be like me. This will save you. I was like, we are already saved. It's. And. And there's only. Really. There's only one of us, and it's just playing with itself. I. I'll write a book. I'll. I'll really. You'll listen to a podcast. To the people listening. You'll listen to a podcast. It's all a giggling child under a laundry basket, and you're playing hide and seek, and it's in the most obvious place in the world. And all you have to do when you're ready, is lift up the basket and find the child. And, and, and, and when you do, you laugh. It's. It's like you're delighted.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rupert Spires says, you know, the moth. Our ego is drawn to the flame, the light. But then when it gets up close, it doesn't want to because it realizes it has to die. But what dies is actually what was keeping you from the joy anyway.

[B]

Right?

[A]

It wasn't real anyway. It wasn't in the good way. It wasn't real anyway because all it is is love. It's not like losing something. It's giving up nothing for everything or. And that's even. That's even a little too firm. It's just. Okay already.

[B]

Yeah, great. It's okay already, everybody.

[A]

It's okay already.

[B]

That's beautiful, baby. Thank you for going into that cave and. And bringing us back the treasures. My computer is just jumped down to 5%, so that's okay.

[A]

I. I was urged. That felt urgent to me because I've been sharing so much of that fierce non. Duality that I couldn't wait to share with the. We made it weird friends to just be like, don't forget the heart. Don't forget that this thing at the core of it. Not even the core. Everywhere. I've already said it is perfect love.

[B]

Beautiful. I'm so glad that you shared that and that you had that experience and that that's where you're at.

[A]

It'll make it a lot more comfortable to be in the moment when you realize that the moment is. Is love. Okay, let's get out of here. Valerie.

[B]

All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. Keep it crispy.