We Made It Weird #172

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — We Made It Weird #172

Date: April 12, 2024
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-host: Valerie

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Overview

In this lively, freewheeling episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie embrace the podcast’s spirit of “secret weirdness.” What unfolds is a blend of cozy domestic banter, philosophical musings, clothing obsessions, a critique of TV’s Sugar, comedic disasters in Las Vegas, and a failed attempt at a perfect “Elf” movie quote. The tone is warm, deeply silly, and occasionally insightful, with Pete and Valerie riffing off each other’s quirks, complaints, and existential curiosities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Joy of Softness and Material Sensitivity

[05:23–13:07]

• Valerie wraps herself in blankets, prompting a discussion about the universal love of soft things and how adulthood means you can prioritize comfort.
• Both Pete and Valerie learn (again) about being highly sensitive people—not just emotionally but to textures and materials too:
  • Valerie admits she subconsciously wears sweaters for years until they’re properly soft, then wonders, “Of course I do have material sensitivity” ([11:09]).
  • Pete marvels at costumers’ skills and how you can get clothes tailored, dyed, or distressed to fit your preferences.

“Isn’t softness...oh God, the softness is the fucking best.”
— Pete [05:49]

“Your mom always teases me for having, like, very worn down sweaters...I don't like a sweater until I've been wearing it for two years.”
— Valerie [11:22]

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2. Escapism, Spiritual Practice & Perspective

[14:11–16:10]

• Pete reflects on how spirituality offers the same “relief from responsibility” as drugs or movies:
  • Being present with chores (e.g., washing dishes) vs. getting overwhelmed by endless to-dos.
  • “None of this is essential to me...whether I hem that coat or not, I am the same. Like, I am.” ([15:14])
• Valerie expands, saying the practice is bringing full presence to daily acts to enjoy life more, not less.

“Good spirituality is just going, like, anytime you want, when you’re getting overwhelmed, you can go: none of this is essential to me.”
— Pete [15:14]

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3. Baffled by the Size and Physics of the Earth

[16:43–29:13]

• Pete, with playful idiocy, tries to wrap his mind around the Earth’s circumference, spouting various wild guesses (“Isn’t it crazy you can go a million miles?”) and drags listeners into the guessing game.
• They discuss why, if the Earth is spinning so fast (86,000 mph?), we don’t feel it or see the stars move—a classic stoner-style debate.
• Valerie corrects Pete’s geography and offers the real “waistline” of the planet (about 25,000 miles).
• Both poke fun at their ignorance and how these mind-blowing numbers make them feel existentially tiny.

“It’s about 25,000 miles around the center of the Earth. Are you nuts?”
— Pete [22:14]

“We’re so insignificant. We’re on just a tiny little pebble.”
— Valerie [23:11]

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4. Silly Name Bits and Movie Quotes

[24:30–25:13]; [37:12–41:10]

• Pete riffs on the name “Dwayne” in “Dwayne the Rock Johnson,” and how some names sound like things being hit or comedy punchlines (Tom, Biff, etc.).

• They riff on the origins of drum names (“Tom Tom”).

• Pete proclaims: “Dwayne is one of those sound effect names. It’s a nerd name. It sounds like you got hit with like an aluminum.”
  — Pete [24:30]

• The “Hope you find your dad” story: Pete recounts accidentally quoting Elf (“Hope you find your dad”) to a distraught friend whose father is missing—realizing mid-story that it probably only works for hardcore Elf fans in private.

• They reflect on the comedy lesson that not every bit travels off the car ride, and some stories should stay where they happened.

“Some of the best jokes belong to...right where they were. They belong. Leave it there in the bosom of reality.”
— Pete [40:22]

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5. TV Review: Sugar with Colin Farrell

[33:33–36:28]; [50:55–65:43]

• Pete is simultaneously charmed by Colin Farrell’s handsomeness and irked by the show’s savior-complex writing.
• He highlights how “Sugar” is shot beautifully and acted well, but the character is so unrealistically generous and faultless (the “Ted Lasso noir” hypothesis), it becomes suspicious and almost comical.
• The “homeless guy and the phone” scene gets a detailed critique: Pete mocks the magical fixing of homelessness with a cell phone and bus ticket.
• Valerie points out the “save the cat” trope is being overused—you can only “save one cat” before it feels fake.
• They end on a screenwriting lesson: flawed characters are more compelling.

“It’s called Save the cat, not Save the herd of cats.”
— Valerie [64:01]

“There comes a point in a character development where you can't just be like, what's next? Yeah, he's just gonna throw a baseball to a kid and then...the kid’s in the major leagues. All because of you, Sugar.”
— Pete [63:44]

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6. Comedy Show Horror: Vegas Oilmen Gig

[66:02–78:38]

• Pete recounts a harrowing—and hilarious in hindsight—corporate show for 300 rowdy, drunk oil men in Las Vegas.
• The event was described in advance as a “historically rowdy crowd; they will have been drinking all day.”
• Descriptions of the venue amplify the “Vegas excess” (naked gold women on the walls, pool, chandelier).
• Lara Bites, his opener, bravely performs for an unresponsive (or heckling) crowd—someone yells “quitter” when she says she’s sober.
• Pete’s onstage crowd work: “Who here has $10 million in their checking account?” gets some actual applause, causing Pete to laugh at the ridiculousness.
• The crowd heckles, including a cowboy-hatted man who walks up, gestures, and says:
  “You’re not talented if you have to cuss to be funny.” ([73:13])
• Pete reflects: no matter how successful you become, one “reward” is being asked to do gigs almost impossible to succeed at — a kind of professional badge of honor among comedians.

“If you get really good at [comedy], one of your rewards is you are invited to perform in places where it’s almost impossible to do it.”
— Pete [74:31]

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7. Vulnerability, Bombing, and Married Banter

[41:10–47:01]; [75:20–79:23]

• Both discuss how vulnerability—telling stories that don’t “work”—is part of the comedy life and the podcast.
• Pete and Valerie lightly tease each other about who’s invested in the stories, who’s zoning out, or bringing the energy (“You did slouch down...Your eyes glazed over...I didn’t feel super supported” — Pete [76:06]).
• The coziest threads are always Pete and Valerie’s acceptance of each other’s weirdness, tiredness, and sick day malaise.
• The episode ends with reflections on difficult crowds, the weird joy of merging with a tough audience, and Valerie’s signature sign-off.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Is a curvy mile a more mile? It can’t be. What about as the crow flies? Just two idiots.”
  — Pete [26:22]

• “When you make your lead so likable, it’s almost like, suspicious. It’s a little bit like, hope you find your dad. It’s like, stop. Like, we know this is made up.”
  — Pete [57:17]

• “Honestly, the best parts, honestly, were when we were just farting in the breeze and having a gay old time.”
  — Pete [76:01]

• “Keep it crispy.”
  — Valerie [79:23]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------|---------------| | Softness, Sensory Issues | 05:23–13:07 | | Spiritual Escapism | 14:11–16:10 | | Earth's Size & Physics Debates | 16:43–29:13 | | Hope You Find Your Dad Story / Elf Quote | 37:12–41:10 | | TV Critique: “Sugar” | 33:33–36:28, 50:55–65:43 | | Comedy Gig from Hell: Vegas Oilmen | 66:02–78:38 | | Comedy Reflections, Outro Banter | 75:20–79:23 |

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Tone

Consistently playful, occasionally profound, often self-deprecating. Pete and Valerie’s chemistry is at the heart of the episode; they celebrate each other’s weirdness, endure (and laugh about) their missteps, and offer a sneak peek into the wild unpredictability of creative life, married life, and being perpetually curious, sensitive humans.

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For New Listeners

This is a quintessential “We Made It Weird” episode: a soft, funny, deeply human podcast snack that manages to make the mundane magical, all while gently making fun of itself. If you love comedians overanalyzing everything, discussing their nerves about soft pants and hard crowds, or need screenwriting advice amid chaos, this one is for you.

Sign-off:
Valerie: “Keep it crispy.” [79:23]

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird.

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos?

[A]

You just had a piece of tissue.

[B]

Fall from your nose. I'm a hot mess. I'm so sick.

[A]

You are sick. But, you know, you can't tell in this episode. And this is a real treat.

[B]

Yeah, we giggled a lot.

[A]

There was a lot of laugh. This will be one that I listen to again because I love the sound.

[B]

Of my own voice.

[A]

No, I love the sound of you and me having fun. Yeah, really. It was a special time to catch up. And honestly, there are stories that I'm like, this is going to kill. And then we talk about how it doesn't kill. And it really made me happy. So this is like a nice little time capsule. Just a couple of things to plug. If you're listening to this the week it comes out, please come to the Denier Improv in Florida.

[B]

Please.

[A]

I just keep getting emails that they're like, yeah, tickets still available. Not doing so hot in Denia, Florida. I was like, oh, man, just do it.

[B]

Just go there.

[A]

Just drive 90 miles to go to the Denia Improv and come see me before.

[B]

If you live 90 miles away, we'll.

[A]

Get to how many miles the earth is around. And then PeteHomes.com for all my tour dates. And I think that's it. Yeah.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

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[B]

Valerie, get into it.

[A]

Can I. I'm starting. Can I just.

[B]

Can I just start already?

[A]

Can I just start? No. Can I just say while you set up.

[B]

I'm not even sitting yet.

[A]

No, I know, but I knew this would take. I know you. I know you, and I know that this little thing I want to say is going to take you exactly as long as it's going to take you to put several blankets on that chair and kind of wrap up like a little babushka.

[B]

Yeah. Because I haven't really even decided.

[A]

No.

[B]

What concoction. I want this blanket.

[A]

No, it's very cute. Can I just say, isn't softness. Oh, God, the softness is the fucking best.

[B]

It's literally everything.

[A]

It's everything.

[B]

I don't know what she's doing.

[A]

People are out there in hard.

[B]

You know what's weird is I never.

[A]

Carhartt jackets that you have to break in over. I get it if you're working with, like a table saw.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But why are you just wearing that out, man? Get a saw. You know, I. I've been very clear on this point. One, I have a career.

[B]

It done. My job.

[A]

I've done. No, I mean, I'm gonna stop yammering. You tell me. What. What do you. What do you got, Val?

[B]

When I remember when we both took.

[A]

I remember when we both.

[B]

I remember when we both took the highly sensitive persons test. I remember when we answered those highly sensitive persons. Jesus. I know.

[A]

I was waiting for you to notice how horrible. I remember when Dictator bear. It's horrible.

[B]

I hate it so much.

[A]

It's horrible.

[B]

It's so loud. And it's like. Like this character is somebody who's like, supposed to be in the background, but he's like. It feels like personal, like you're trying to be louder and interrupt me.

[A]

Or it's like I'm trying to delay you or stop you from saying something because you're wearing a wire. Okay, I will say. And we're going to talk about it. I'm watching the show Sugar, which I have very strong feeling you're not going.

[B]

To be able to not go into.

[A]

No, no, no. I'm not going fully.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm not going to. I'm just going to say.

[B]

And then you're going to go back to my point, which is going to just be like, I, like, swapped things.

[A]

No, no. You are a gem. And you know me. You know me. Am I saltine and you're the peanut butter cuz being fed to a sick child. A child stayed home from school, wanted a snack. Okay, you're right. Go ahead. I won't forget to talk about you.

[B]

I was just saying that when we took. You got that book about highly sensitive people, we both took the test and it was like, what are you guys kidding?

[A]

What are you guys, nuts?

[B]

Obviously.

[A]

Yeah. They were like, we're glad you were brave enough to read this pamphlet.

[B]

Yeah. We didn't even read the book. I think we were just like, all right, so it is true. Okay.

[A]

There's a lot of books I buy for one test. Like a cosmo.

[B]

Oh, yeah, 100%. There's not a book, though.

[A]

Yeah, that's a book. I told you that. I know I've told you this before. One of the things that would have been a great episode of Crashing that we never did was when I did that show back in the day, College agent, and they're. And they're sending me out on all sorts of strange gigs, and one of them was hosting a beauty pageant in Alpine, Texas. I've told this story before, and I remember there was like a speed limit going on the one road. One desert road. No, country road, man. West Texas.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Was like 90. I think the speed limit was like 80 or 90.

[B]

Yeah. There are roads like that.

[A]

And you'd see a cow. You just see a cow. Like a free cow. Oh, my God. He's. He. This guy has no idea. This lady has no idea how lucky they are.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And he. And she's complaining. It's kind of rocky. You don't know. You're free. You're a free cow. I. It was fenced in, so it wasn't fully free, but it was okay.

[B]

It wasn't free at all. It's just a lot of land.

[A]

I just mean, like acres and acres and acres and acres. I don't even mean.

[B]

He's probably the only one left.

[A]

This was like a. It's like there was a rancher, but he was playing the deadliest game with these cows. He's like, I am going to slaughter you, but I'm going to give you a good hide and seek.

[B]

Yeah. Or the Hunger Games.

[A]

Trey. Hunger Games.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll never see Hunger Games.

[B]

No, you won't.

[A]

I'll never see it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

On a flight from here to Australia.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The only movie is Hunger Games.

[B]

I think.

[A]

I don't know why I just made this choice.

[B]

I've experienced the Hunger Games in the exact correct way for me, which is I listened to it on audiobook. Yeah, I listened to the whole series on audiobook. On a road trip with my friend in, like, college.

[A]

Maybe there's something in my tea.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, in your tea.

[A]

It was gross and weird. Keep going.

[B]

And that was like. So then that was fun. And that got me really into the movies, when the movies came out. But I think I only watched the first two.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. And I only liked those movies and which I. They were incredibly well done. But I was only interested in them because I read the book and I only. Or, you know, quotes. Read the book. And I only did that because I was on a road trip and you know. You know, like, we've talked about this before. When you watch something in school when like, a teacher lets you watch a real movie in school, and then you're like, oh, my God, I love Pleasantville or whatever.

[A]

Well, yeah, that's. That actually brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I will rant about the show Sugar and I, and we love soft things. Go ahead.

[B]

That's all I was gonna say is that when we took that test, I was like, I don't have material sensitivity. Like, that's not one of the ways that I'm a highly sensitive person. And just now it's occurring to me like, what?

[A]

Of course you do.

[B]

Of course I do. I can't. I. It's in. It's like, driving me nuts right now that I'm in my own house wearing a hard pant and a bra.

[A]

Why a sweater? I thought you were gonna say a sweater. Because it's a little scratchy.

[B]

No, this is a very soft sweater. That's why, like, your mom always teases me for having, like, very worn down sweaters.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm doing that subconsciously because I don't like a sweater until I've been wearing it for two years.

[A]

Can I tell you something that might change your life?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Is it the perfect Gene?

[A]

Because I already know the perfect Gene NYC promo code. No. Although I, I, that's one of the reasons I love them. But they is. There is something soft about them now. When I did, I forget what show it was. I Think it was when I was on Night Court. They got me a jacket, and it was like a jean jacket. And then they were like, do you want us to. Do you want us to wear, like, break this in for you?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I was like, how do you do that?

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Like, we put it in a special dryer filled with rocks, and you take.

[B]

A jacket and you can get things distressed. I always forget that.

[A]

Yeah. Distresser.

[B]

My friend Annie is a costumer.

[A]

Reality is my distressor.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

My friend Annie is a costumer, and she has opened up a world to me that I just. And then I always forget, and then she opens it up again. That is like you. If something doesn't fit, you can get it tailored. If your shoes break, you can get them cobbled. If you don't. If you like the pattern of a dress or not the pattern, the. The style of a dress, but you don't like the color, you can get it dyed. If you don't like the feeling of a jacket, you can get it distressed. And I'm always like, what? Almost say, what?

[A]

Yeah, I. I have very little connection to, like, people be making these clothes. Someone made them. And the people that make clothes continue. Can continue to make the clothes. Like, I'm like, what are you talking about? These clothes are done.

[B]

I know. And they're like, they're not done to a costumer. It's like trying on clothes that you just bought is just step one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, no, that just. I just go like, well, I guess I'm just stuck with this.

[A]

Yeah. I actually. I'll go one further, and I'll doubt that it's possible. Like, I have a jacket that I like, but it's a little too long, and I'm like, well, they can't.

[B]

But here's the problem.

[A]

Do that.

[B]

Annie and people like her are good at errands. They're the type of people who will order something online knowing, and then actually return it. Yeah, I will order something online. It won't fit me. Just as I thought it wouldn't. And I. It will sit in my closet until your incompetence.

[A]

That's how I feel.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

That jacket you got me for Christmas, that's the jacket I haven't. When am I going to hem it?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

What am I, Chris Hemsworth?

[B]

Speaking of, since Christmas, there is a pile of clothes in our laundry room that's been there since Christmas. That's for dry cleaning that I only think of when I go into the garage.

[A]

I need to.

[B]

Then I instantly forget.

[A]

This is one of the reasons why I love my. My spiritual practice is because it's just so nice to just go like. And I'm gonna go away now. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like spirituality doesn't get the right pr. People love going away.

[B]

I mean, I think, yeah, that is what.

[A]

What I'm saying is to sink into or to retreat as your true self and just go like, none of this is. This is what I just did in the microsecond between these topics. I went, yeah, I have a jacket that needs to be hemmed. I have this. That there's a stuff in the garage. And then I was like, none of that is essential to me. Yeah, it will continue. Things like that were happening before I was born. After I die, it doesn't matter. And that is what we're looking for. Oh, I'm on a tear with, like, weed, booze, like, we drink, we smoke in a way, or watch a movie in a way to just be like, none of that mattered. Like, I don't have to do that right now. And you just retreat and escape.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And good spirituality is just going, like, any time you want. When you're getting overwhelmed, you can go, none of. None of this is essential to me. Meaning if I do hem that coat or not, I am the same. Like, I am.

[B]

Right. And then I think the practice is, you know, whether you do this after you've connected with that or this is how you connect with. What's essential to you is doing those acts and just being fully present.

[A]

No, you can do them. Don't get me wrong.

[B]

I think it is like a.

[A]

Don't get me wrong.

[B]

I. But I, you know, it's like not getting mixed up in it thing is, like, wash the dishes and just be fully with the dishes and feel the warm water and. And experience the feeling of making something clean and new again. And all of that will actually make you like the dishes.

[A]

Yeah, I agree. And sometimes I do feel like today was kind of one of those days that I was getting stuff done. But when you. If you start going like, and there's the emails and there's the bills and there's. I don't mean you. I mean, if anyone.

[B]

I do that. No, I do.

[A]

If anyone do. If anyone does that. If I do that to myself, you know what it is? Everyone that listens knows I've been getting up wicked early these days. And what's really interesting is I get up early and like, I'll.

[B]

You just can't say it enough.

[A]

Stop saying, I get up early, you guys are asleep. I'm out here.

[B]

Literally everyone in the world, the whole planet.

[A]

Do you remember when I said, val, isn't it crazy?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Isn't it crazy that you can go millions of miles? Because we were in a restaurant and it was playing that song, A Million Miles. A Million Miles. Remember that song?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I was like, isn't it crazy that you can go a million miles? The planet is so big that you can start at a location and go a million miles and you won't even.

[B]

Circle in the same direction.

[A]

In the same direction. And you won't even circle back to where you are where you started. That's how big the planet is, by the way. Hey, guys, get involved. Do you think I'm right? Can you start in New York and walk a million miles?

[B]

Or go. Go by plane, however.

[A]

I like walking, because I want you to experience.

[B]

What about the ocean?

[A]

You could you. Jesus, you can walk on water and you're always warm and you're always fed. So an always warm, always fed. Water walking Jesus goes a million miles from New York and he just heads east. Can you go a million miles?

[B]

It wasn't even like, can you? You weren't.

[A]

I wasn't.

[B]

You were like, isn't it crazy that.

[A]

You Can I Just to the appreciation, and I say, I. Actually, I'm making a different vowel. I said millions of miles.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Well, first you said a million.

[B]

I think you first said a million. And then I said, can you.

[A]

And I was like.

[B]

And you went, the planet.

[A]

The planet.

[B]

Of course. The planet is millions of miles around in circumference.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay, yes.

[A]

But listen, as I'm doing this now, knowing where we're going, I can see that, that this is flawed, but only because I start thinking about the Earth as a map. And you know, and you go like, well, that's not millions of miles, you know, New York to Europe and then across Asia and then across the ocean. That's not millions of miles. But when you stop and just think about how fucking far it is from here to the grocery store. Yeah, it's so long. It's so fucking long. It's so many miles just to the grocery store. And then when you think there's a whole fucking marble. That's just land. That's what the planet is. It's all land. No, I know. It's water too.

[B]

Mostly oceans.

[A]

And what's at the base of that ocean is land. We don't know that was a great win. We both had our own. Like, I'm not wrong. And you're like, well, I'm not wrong. It could be molten gold.

[B]

We've never gone down there.

[A]

Drain the oceans. As I've always said, I'm one of the few people that's out here going, guys, it's staring right in front of our face. Drain the ocean.

[B]

People think you're not into activism. You are just weird stuff.

[A]

Think about what we could do. We have this pointless, salty, seaweedy water filled with sharks and Loch Ness shit. I know. That's a lake. Well, it's a. It's a lock, which is Scottish for lake. Get over yourself.

[B]

Oh, we say lock.

[A]

Oh, you mean Nessie in the lock over there.

[B]

Made up their own word in, like, under pressure, where it's like, you guys have lakes here. Yeah, but we call them locks that.

[A]

You're as good as any comedian.

[B]

That was not good.

[A]

You're as good as any comedian. I'm not. I'm not saying the bit. That bit is fine. I'm not rushing to do that bit on stage. If I was, I would write it down.

[B]

All right, easy.

[A]

I'm saying me and Moshe, other comedians I love, Rory Scoville, others, they're going to. Their brains work exactly the same way. You get a trophy, you get a trophy, you get a trophy. Yeah, we have legs, but they're called locks. Okay. And you call skirts kilts. Get the fuck out of here. All right, here we are. Where were we? We're saying. Okay, guys, guys, guys, listen. There's. Oh, drain the oceans, but.

[B]

Okay, so you.

[A]

Pointless water. We could have malls down there.

[B]

You guys have probably figured out by now that it's not a million, but just take a pause and guess.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But you know what? I'm gonna encourage you, Darren. I'm gonna encourage you. Emily. I'm gonna encourage you. Scott, Jeff Marcos. There's a Marcos listening right now. Please take a moment and don't be embarrassed. Don't ask yourself, what is? What is? You know, don't change your first answer. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

Don't ask yourself, what is?

[A]

You know, there's a way you answer as if it's going to be graded. And then there's the way you just answer. Yeah, Nobody is doing a second way. Do it in the honest. Just from the hip. What's the circumference of the Earth? How many miles?

[B]

In miles? Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember what it is?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell the people. Wait. Five, four, this is the time where you get to enjoy you believing that it's. Let's be. Let's be. You know, if I was listening to this podcast, I'd be like, well, it's definitely 193,000 miles at least. The circumference, the waistline of the Earth. I'm gonna make a pair of pants for the Earth. How many miles is it, Val?

[B]

Tell the people it's like 24, 970 or something.

[A]

It's about 25, 000 miles around the center of the Earth. Are you nuts?

[B]

Because we were like 6, 000 miles.

[A]

America, 6,000. The US is 6,000 miles.

[B]

The whole Earth is 25, 000. So it's almost 14 US's.

[A]

It's like 3. 3.5 US's is the. Is the good. So.

[B]

No, it's like 4. Yeah.

[A]

If you drive from New York to California, you drove basically a third around the Earth. This is like getting more and more.

[B]

You're like. So you're saying half of the Earth and the other half is ocean, which. We're going to drain that and we're going to make Mexico, people.

[A]

Oh, my good. We're gonna drain the ocean. And Mexico's gonna drink it. He wants them to drink it. They're gonna drink it. They love salt.

[B]

Terrible.

[A]

It is terrible. 25, 000 miles is insane. Yeah, it's insane. It's insane.

[B]

We're so insignificant. We're on just a tiny little pebble. I thought we were on a rock. We're on a pebble. Guess what?

[A]

More like Dwayne the Pebble Johnson. This shit is tiny.

[B]

And he's just one of the tiniest people on the tiny pebble.

[A]

Well, that's my. I think it's famous. That's my famous. That dude is so big thing. Take Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He's six. Six. He's my height.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like. He's like my height. And he double Kumailed himself, Right? Kumail is a verb. No. So, Dwayne. Dwayne. Hey, Dwayne. And that guy turns around.

[B]

I double dare you to just do your Leonard joke about Dwayne the Rock Johnson now. But do it verbatim. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Dwayne the Rock. Okay, I'm an easy laugh. I don't know why people are so. I've been making myself laugh all week just remembering that the rock is named Dwayne Johnson. He goes and picks up a package. High creatine for me. For me. What's the name. Johnson. Dwayne. Dwayne. Dwayne is one of those sound effect names. It's a nerd name. It sounds like you got hit with like an aluminum. You know what I mean?

[B]

Okay, but you said one of those. What's another one?

[A]

One of those what?

[B]

One of those. You said that one of. Oh.

[A]

Oh, Ricky. Ricky Ricky. Instant. Instant. What about Tom Tom Tom Tom Biff.

[B]

Biff is a drum set name.

[A]

Tom. Isn't it funny? That's why they call them Tom Toms. Because they sound like Tom Tom Snare.

[B]

I don't think I ever thought of that. Just hit that.

[A]

Hit that Tom Tom thing.

[B]

Because snares kind of sound like snare.

[A]

It does. Wrong symbols. Should be called swish. Hit the swish. It's too far. You've got. I'll give you Tom Tom. You can't call the circle things swishes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anywho's a woozle. I got sugar and I got Vegas. And did we cover what we wanted to cover?

[B]

I think we did. Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, I just can't believe you drive from New York to Sacramento and then drive back. And then drive back. And then drive back. So you're in New York again. Thank God.

[B]

So you've ended up in New York.

[A]

Okay, just to be clear before anybody panics.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you do this, it'll be worth it because you'll end back at your home.

[B]

You won't be in Sacramento. No, I promise.

[A]

That's the whole earth. I can't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Is there something about curvature?

[A]

Yeah. Like is a curvy mile a more mile? It can't be.

[B]

What about as the crow flies? Just two idiots.

[A]

I still have Neil Degrasse Tyson's info. I'll send this to him as torture. Is a curvy mile a more mile? That's a second question. What about as the growth.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I still. I've never gotten a satisfying answer as to if the Earth is spinning at 86, 000 miles an hour. I remember that one. It spins at 86,000. 86. 6,000 miles an hour. At the circumference.

[B]

At the circumference.

[A]

At the. At the $25,000.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mile mark.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

No, at. At the. Spinning at the center.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's at the equator, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, what's the diameter?

[A]

Diameter. Circum. Circumference. The equator. Circumference. Continuous sphere.

[B]

Are you saying latitude?

[A]

Okay, if the longitude. If it's spinning, why aren't the stars moving. And whenever I look that up, because you look at the stars and you're like. And we're spinning.

[B]

But it's because.

[A]

Centrifugal Valerie. Photosynthesis. It's a photosynthesis.

[B]

By the way, isn't there a thing, though, about us spinning so fast? It's like, why doesn't anything look like it's spinning?

[A]

Well, that's, that's the theory of relativity, I'm pretty sure. No, I actually mean that one because I'm not sure about the theory of relativity. But it's because we're on it.

[B]

The theory.

[A]

I don't know. Can we go ahead and confirm that? It seems to be working out pretty.

[B]

Well, even though we don't know exactly what it is.

[A]

Oh, God help us.

[B]

No, but isn't there a thing about, like it's spinning so fast that it, that the stars look still.

[A]

That's not it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's what I thought it was too. Like you're going like a car wheel. Like it's spinning so fast it looks like it's going slow.

[B]

Yeah. For we're on the wheel.

[A]

The answer, the unsatisfying answer. Okay, some of you science savvy sons of or just daughters, generally educated people are screaming at their AM radios right now. But the answer is the stars are moving. They're just moving very slowly and in the way that when you're on an airplane, it looks like the ground is moving by slowly, even though you're going like 300 miles an hour. It's the same kind of thing. They.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So the stars do move. And now that I get up very early and I've managed to work it in again, I see the movement of the stars in the moon.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Like, I, I notice like.

[B]

Well, I know the moon moves.

[A]

The moon is moving.

[B]

Oh, yeah. The moon moves on the move.

[A]

The moon is not like the stars.

[B]

No.

[A]

The moon is like a go getter. Jack lalanne, blue jumpsuit. And the rest of the stars are like a geriatric home. They're just waiting for their meals.

[B]

That's right. Yes. The moon is so badass. Yesterday it covered the sun.

[A]

I know. The moon just stepped out of the aisle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At a movie. And was like. And blocked the sun. The sun couldn't watch the movie for a while.

[B]

This the.

[A]

And all of us here in California were like, didn't see squat.

[B]

I know. I don't know if everybody in California, but in Ohio, it did not happen.

[A]

Yeah. I sure was out there like a ding dong.

[B]

Me too. I did therapy out there, and. And I was like, I guess the lighting looks a little different out here. But I saw the last one. I. I fully did it on a roof in New York. It was like, probably. It was when we got married. It was 2018, and when we were shooting, crashing. So how long ago is that? Six years ago. Oh, and I was on a roof with my friends while you were shooting.

[A]

So I was working during the eclipse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wonder if we went out and.

[B]

Looked at it and it was really cool. And then. But the next one isn't gonna happen for 20 years.

[A]

Yeah. But we didn't drive anywhere to see this one. So that's being like. And the next.

[B]

I know. Like, I didn't think about this one until somebody said it. And then. Even then. And it's also funny because I. You know, I can get into astronom. Astrology. I can. I can hang with it. It seems right to me in a lot of ways. And yesterday, everybody that I follow on Instagram was just like, it's the solar eclipse. Go gently today. Go gently rest.

[A]

The sun just got kind of big dogged by the moon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the sun's feeling a little.

[B]

But in, like, spiritually speaking and astrologically speaking, it's a time where a lot of stuff that is ready to be released comes out, and you're supposed to let go of old habits and let it all, like, burn up. So it can be, like, a very emotional time. And I just felt completely opposite from that. I was rocking and rolling, but it was also Aries and a new moon. And I am in Harry's Rising. No. Not to brag. And I just felt like full Aries.

[A]

I said to you, keep on rocking Aries new moon.

[B]

Why didn't you do harvest? What's harvest moon on this Aries new moon?

[A]

Because I don't know that song.

[B]

You don't know that Neil Young song?

[A]

More like Neil Old. Am I right?

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Like, even when he was young, he was old.

[A]

Dude, that. That dude's been old since Tommy Lee Jones was old. And Tommy Lee Jones. This is a very val observation. Tommy Lee Jones has been old my whole life.

[B]

He's been the exact same age my whole life. And so is Maggie Smith.

[A]

I just. I'm gonna show it to you. I don't have my phone. Neil Brennan sent me a picture of Gene Hackman, who's like, a hundred, and he lives in New Mexico. And, like, respect. Gene.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was walking out of a gas station with a. Gene, Gene, Gene, Gene. Put down your sword. Ricky. Ricky. Dwayne.

[B]

Tom.

[A]

Dwayne. Tom. Tom. We are. Are we geniuses?

[B]

No, we're really dumb.

[A]

I'm having the exact opposite feeling. I'm like, I must just be so happy to be talking with you, because I'm just like. This is when you were gone. I was just sitting on the couch. I was like, going, my life, my life, my life. Where is my life?

[B]

My life, my life.

[A]

Wait, that's the retrospective for Sacha Baron Cohen. Sasha, this is your. I realize I have to say your life. And it ruined it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Sasha, this is your life. It doesn't work. Then he cuts to him and he's watching, and he's like, almost.

[B]

You're live.

[A]

He has to say, I'm Sacha Baron Cohen, and this is my life.

[B]

You didn't realize until you got right to the door that you were at the wrong address.

[A]

Oh, my God. So let me. Let me rant about the show, Sugar. Okay, A little bit.

[B]

If I'm. If I must.

[A]

Well, it's almost over. And then it's meaning. It's very brief, and I think it's funny and relatable to people, I'm assuming. And this is no shade on sugar. We've had enough shade this week, if you know what I mean. Eclipse humor.

[B]

God, is there marijuana in the water?

[A]

I don't know. Marijuana. Marijuana.

[B]

I could feel you wanting me to.

[A]

Also think marijuana was amazing. You know, like when you did hydration and stoned.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

You gotta hydrate.

[B]

I bet that's. I bet that's.

[A]

Let's never Google it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Let's never Google it.

[B]

Also, what you just did to me, Remember doing that with your friends. I have a vivid memory, a VM with my being with my friends when I was like 7 to 10 and going, like, wait, we should watch movie and eat popcorn. And then you both look at each other and you go, yeah, you.

[A]

Mine was, we should go in the basement and play Sonic the Hedgehog.

[B]

Yeah, but did you do that? Like, in unison, do, like.

[A]

Yeah, I know I've said this probably on this podcast before, but a very vivid memory is I was at my friend Miguel's house. Miguel was my best friend and my mom, I loved him so much. I loved him so. And Miguel, we were playing, and I was like. My mom was like, it's time to go now. As a parent, I know this feeling. And then I. And I go, please. And she goes, okay, five more minutes. And I turn to Miguel and I go, five Minutes. That's like a ton of time. Because talk about the theory of relativity.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Five minutes in the bank is a long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those five minutes, they burn by real fast.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

They burn by real fast.

[B]

It's so cool living with somebody who doesn't understand time at all. Like, yeah. Leela's just like, how long will this take? And I'm like, 10 minutes. And she's like, what is that?

[A]

No, if you go, lilo, it's only going to take five minutes. She'll go, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, those aren't.

[B]

And you go, that seconds. And we've said that a thousand times. And she still is like, well, that's the best I have.

[A]

It's also her way of just saying, fucking stop it. And she's right. She's right. She's right.

[B]

She's always right.

[A]

So I'll say real quick. And then in the second half, I want to tell this, I think, pretty interesting story about this show that I did in Las Vegas for 300 oil men.

[B]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[A]

So picture me in Las Vegas performing for 300 men in suits and cowboy hats. So that's. That's a little tease, a little teaser, a little tease to side two of this record. We print these on vinyl, right?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

Drain the oceans. I don't know if this is gonna work as well, but I was just watching the show Sugar, and it's Colin Farrell, not Firth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And let's be honest, Feral looks like a Feral and Colin Firth looks like a Firth.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Right. That's. Well done.

[B]

Well, Feral is like a Irish name. And Firth sounds so British.

[A]

Firth. Firth sounds like an amount of tea you would pour.

[B]

Just a Firth of tea.

[A]

I love a Firth of Tea. I'm going by this lock with the Scottish guy named Dwayne. The callback of this entry. Wait. Okay. I'll shit on Sugar. The show Sugar in the second half. Here's how we're gonna end this half, okay. With the funniest thing that's ever happened in my life, in all of our lives.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

You're gonna recognize the story. This is. I'm so thrilled to share this with everybody. Cause I'm gonna do it on stage. But I think this will probably be the purest expression of it. We're at my birthday party. I turned 45 last month. Val and I quote the movie Elf all the time.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I really hope everybody listening knows the movie Elf. If you're like, Us. You watch it every Christmas. But if you're not like I said, and you've seen it a couple times, you're still in the running. To really appreciate how funny what happened was the best elf quote of all time. I'm gonna say it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I put it against the 25,000mile circumference planet that nobody's had. A funnier reference.

[B]

Real time.

[A]

Real time. In real time. We all love saying movie quotes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But this one. Okay. We're at a party, my birthday party at the end. I see. Do you think she'd mind if I say who it is? I'll just say our friend. Our friend is on the phone. She looks distraught. I go up to her and I say, what's wrong? And she says, my dad, they. My dad had a stroke a few weeks ago and they can't find him. They're looking for him. He's not listening to his doctor. He's not supposed to drive, but he's not at his house and his car is missing. And it's. And I'm like, oh. I'm thinking it's been like. And they, like a couple hours.

[B]

No.

[A]

And I'm like, it's been days.

[B]

Yeah. They don't know where he is. And he's not answering his phone.

[A]

He's not answering his phone.

[B]

And he, like, lives in the south. She's not. She's not even nearby.

[A]

Yeah, she's not nearby. She can't really do anything. I want to say at this point in the story, they find him. He's okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But at this point in the story, we don't know that. It's a terrible moment. And she's like, my father might be like looped up and kind of medicated and losing. And he's out there driving and we're all. The whole family is scared. And I'm like, oh, my God. It's one of those grown up moments. You just don't know what to say or do. I give her a hug and I'm like, I'm so sorry. And then there's a pause and I just go, hope you find your dad. I'm realizing in retelling that I don't think it's gonna work on stage. As I told you.

[B]

No, it won't work on stage.

[A]

I just felt it. Did you feel it?

[B]

Yeah, I did. I think it. I'm glad you told it on the podcast.

[A]

I tried it here because I don't think that's a bit. I have more faith in Narrow Water and What was the one that you said that I was like, that's right. Oh, a lock. A lock. Yeah. We have lakes here we call the blocks. I'd do that a thousand times before I tell that story. That story. That story sucked so hard. And I went in with full, like Warren Beatty in 1991 Confidence. Like, I went in with cufflinks.

[B]

This is the best thing that's ever happened.

[A]

It's the funniest movie quote story. She couldn't find her dad and I went, hope you find your dad. Here's the truth. Some of the best jokes belong to.

[B]

God right where they were.

[A]

Right where they were. They belong. Leave it there in the bosom of reality. Because we got in the car and I was feeling bad. She laughed, by the way. She laughed. And then she said, what's that from? And I was like, that's from Elle. And we got in the car and I couldn't wait to see.

[B]

That's from El.

[A]

It's from Elle. I got in the car and I'm telling you guys the story and I go, hope you find your dad. And the four of us laughed like comic.

[B]

Yeah. Because we were. We got in the car going like, oh, my God, poor this person. Like, what do you say? Like, how do we help her? You know, we were like so distraught for it. And you were like, well, I'll tell you what I said. And then you told that story.

[A]

The whole car was elf fans.

[B]

So that was the peak. Funny for it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then this is funny. I'm sure people laugh, but it dies here tonight.

[A]

Oh, that's the first time I've told that story. And that is certainly the last time it sucked. That's one of the funny things about comedy, man. It's like golf or racquetball. You can't master it. I've been doing it for over 20 years and I was fully. Look my set list in my pocket right now says, hope you find your dad. Yeah. Like, ready to do it any night. Had a show last night, didn't do it, thank God. Hope you find your dad. And then. You know what it is, is it's so vulnerable. It ends and you go, and then I go, hope you find your dad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and everyone's like, actually, that's a little too cute.

[B]

No. Well, yeah, sure. But I also think it doesn't work, especially as a stand up bit because it's a story of you kind of winning.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's a story where you're like, I did something, so. And it's also like, it's a story of a time, a different time that you were funny. And it's like, we need you to be funny right now. Don't tell us of other times when you were.

[A]

Let me tell you this time that I was funny.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah, I. Even yesterday, Paul Scheer was on the podcast, and I tried to. I use mouth tape now at night, and I fucking love it. I'm obsessed with mouth tape. I thought it would suffocate me. This is not an ad. They are not a sponsor. I just gave it a try and I put it on, and it's like, look, I'm just sharing a tip because it's making me sleep so much better.

[B]

I wish I had found it before you. Just because that is the most you thing.

[A]

It's the most me thing I've ever heard of. I completely agree, but I thought it would give me panic. I'd put it on my mouth and I would panic that I can't breathe out of my mouth. And the opposite is true. It's like the weirdest life hack is as soon as you tape your mouth, your brain just goes, oh, we can't breathe out our mouth. Like, it's. It's like closing a window on your laptop. Let's just close the mouth thing. And then that's the last you think of it. And then all night, I dream. That's how I know it works. Not an ad, guys. I'm not even gonna say a brand. Just try mouth tape if you want. I am obsessed. Here's the rub, though. When you put mouth tape on, first of all, you look like a lunatic.

[B]

It looks.

[A]

You can look crazy. You can look a little crazy.

[B]

I keep. I know there is a commercial. I can't remember what it is, but can you think of. There's like a. There was an old commercial where, like, the faces were, like, distorted like this.

[A]

Photosynthesis.

[B]

Does this look familiar?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. It was like a weird.

[A]

Like the video for black holes.

[B]

No, it was like a Kool Aid commercial.

[A]

Or like something like Extreme flavors.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. And I hated it. The mouths looked so weird.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And every time I've looked at you in this in the night, it looks like you have a perfect rectangle mouth.

[A]

Like, the black look like an emoji.

[B]

The black is like. It looks like it's the inside of your mouth.

[A]

I don't know which is worse. If it matched my skin tone and I just look like Neo. Like, I don't have a mouth. How are you going to scream? For help. If you don't have a mouth, this voice isn't right. So, anyway, I put it on. I want to see if we can make this funny, because when I told it to Paul Shear, it wasn't quite funny. But I put the tape on my mouth. This is last night. Two nights ago.

[B]

Yeah, two nights ago.

[A]

It's two nights ago. You know, what is it? I put it on my mouth, and then I had to talk to you, or you asked me a question, and I was like. And I'm thinking. My perspective at this point is it's kind of. Especially a fresh piece in the morning. It kind of comes off because it's worn off by then. Yeah, but a fresh piece is pretty on there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't want to take it off.

[B]

And literally all you're saying is, don't put. Can I say what you said?

[A]

Of course. But why did we start talking? Because before I said that, all you asked me something or something.

[B]

No, no. Can I say what you said? I don't know if you wanted that to be the reveal. You just said something that you do say to me often.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is like. So you put your.

[A]

Yeah. I didn't know it started.

[B]

Your mouth tape. Your breathe. Right on. And then you were trying to communicate with your mouth tape. Don't put this in one of your movies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, that's what you say all the time when you're like, you know.

[A]

I'm meditating under a copper pyramid. Don't put this in one of your movies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Help me. Please help me.

[B]

But you are just going. And it's dark, so you're. I can see your hands moving, but I can't see what they're doing.

[A]

Oh, and Leela's in the room, so we have to be quiet.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I'm going. And I'm like, now I'm going. And you're. Okay, don't. And I go. And then I'm typing on you, and you're like, type. And we died.

[B]

Died.

[A]

The story doesn't get any funnier by the facts, but by the, like. Like, fifth iteration of me trying to be like, don't. And then I'm doing the Charades movie also.

[B]

I'm being like. It's hard to understand what you're saying, But I also should have gotten it way sooner than I did, because I was. I got as far as being like, my script. My scripts. Like, I knew you were talking about a movie and then still couldn't.

[A]

But then, you know that when I finally did It. I realized you can kind of talk. I won't. Like I did that. And that's how you got it. And I got to put a gag.

[B]

In and they realize they can just spit it out.

[A]

Don't put that in. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

And then. But at that point, it was so funny that I was like, well, I have to put it in something.

[A]

Of course, when I say that, I'm really saying this is a good one.

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

Hope you find your dad. All right, so we'll be back. And I'm going to tell the story about Vegas. Las Las Vegas, which I think is a hoot.

[B]

And I guess you also have to. On sugar, huh?

[A]

I'll briefly on sugar. It's not even. It's a little full respect to people that are trying to make something great.

[B]

But you were gonna say full respect to people who are trying to get into that show.

[A]

Well, that too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like who. We'll. We'll be right back. I'm gonna explain in a minute. You guys know I'm very mindful about what I put in my body. But a few years ago, I realized I wasn't being very mindful about what I put on my body. Talking about face creams, shaving creams, moisturizers that I thought were fancy and good for me because they had fancy French names. And I bought them at some kiosk with pillars, but they're filled with chemicals and toxicity levels that were never intended for humans. Then I realized I want to eat food where I recognize the ingredients. And the stuff I'm putting on my skin basically gets in my body. So I want that to be the same. Enter Living Libations. Not only the best and most effective skin care, hair, eyes, teeth, baby care products that I've found, but also the most natural, made exclusively with plants and oils and extracts that not only will you recognize, you'll be able to easily pronounce. And now that it's summer, having a natural zinc based sunblock for Leela is so important. We use their love, the sun sunblock, which not only works, but we can feel great about putting on our baby and ourselves all summer long. This is a great way to support the show. Whatever you're using in the beauty care department for your skin, nails, whatever, teeth. Get a Living Libations upgrade. It's natural and they are badass. They work so well and they make amazing gifts. So support your body, support the show. Get something big, get something small, whatever you need. Eyes, teeth, babies. Living Libations has a premium, natural and wonderful Product to replace the random chemical nightmare they sell at 7 11. Get 15% off by going to living libations.com weird 15 off livinglibations.com weird. We're also brought to us by our friends almost as always Modern Mammals. The shampoo, the non shampoo shampoo for guys that hate to wash their hair. My whole life, my whole adult life, my strategy for having great looking hair was to not wash it. Then one day, my real life friend and hair stylist cat, she goes, your hair is disgusting. It's like running a comb through cement. Please, I can't do this anymore. Val also noticed too. My pillow noticed it was getting pretty gross. I gotta clean my hair, but I didn't want to shampoo it. Enter Modern Mammals. The only non shampoo that cleans your hair but leaves just the right amount of natural oil in there to keep it looking perfect and in control. So it completely flipped my process. Now, when I want a perfect hair day, I wash my hair with Modern Mammals. Perfect hair in 30 seconds every single time. Now the first day I wash it is my best hair day and it's great to have that on command. Over 40,000 guys have switched to this instead of traditional shampoo. You got to see the reviews. They go insane. Guys don't get this excited about anything. It blows their mind. And once you use it like me, you will be hooked for life. I travel with it. I absolutely swear by it. Anytime I'm doing a red carpet TV show, anything standard up special, I'm using Modern Mammals. It's a small punk rock company. It's wonderful to be working with them making this new shampoo alternative specifically for guys. They have bars for no plastic and no fragrance or bottles, which is their magic mud, which is like a magic gray mud that feels awesome and smells great. Six seconds to perfect hair. Go to modernmammals.com weird. Where people can get a special combo deal and try both products, the bar and the bottle for 44 bucks. That's modern mammals.com weird for perfect hair. All right, so I'm watching Sugar Colin Farrell, who's so dreamy. 99 of the reason I'm watching the show is because it's Colin Farrell with his simultaneously very like, cute and deeply handsome face.

[B]

Yeah. You know how in Crazy Stupid Love.

[A]

Yes. You're the perfect mix of cute and sexy. Sexy Taxi.

[B]

And you never think a man is.

[A]

That Colin Farrell walks by.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, oh. Because he does kind of have like this boyish thing. And also like, are you doing My taxes. You're a grown man.

[B]

He has very innocent eyes. That's why he was so good at banshees of Ed Sheeran. Yes, Ed Sheeran.

[A]

And he's Irish. And, you know, his. His English accent is fake. And you. And you're like, good.

[B]

And you definitely feel like he's. He could play you a haunting song on the acoustic guitar. Yeah. And it'll be like. Yeah.

[A]

And that's. And it's historical. The night of the fallen star.

[B]

And everyone's like, the black Bonnie lass. She comes and visits me.

[A]

And then a guy in a. In a. In a cap leans over, he's holding a pint, and he's like, you know what that means, don't you?

[B]

Explain.

[A]

And you're weeping. Like, what a rich culture. What a rich cobblestone walled culture that.

[B]

Was all based on, like, truly one of my first sexual feelings. Like, before I even really knew what a sexual feeling was, was a field trip to go see, like, a river dance.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Troop. But in between acts, this, like, dark Irish, like, not the reds, the blacks.

[A]

You mean he was black?

[B]

No, he was just dark, dark Irish. Yeah, exactly. Like, Colin Farrell came out and played an acoustic guitar and, like, a haunting Irish song, and I was like.

[A]

Yeah. No.

[B]

So gross.

[A]

No, no, no. I'm dizzying in my jeans watching. I think, you know, I tried to do a bit about this. I did it for years. It just never made it to a special, which was like, so many guys think it's, like, in quotes, gay to have opinions on what guys are attractive or not. I like. Of course you do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very me premise. I was like, because you're trying to look like that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And the line that I like in that routine was like, what do you say to the barber?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I don't know. Cut for a time, then stop. I'll pay you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you're saying, make it look like this. Make it look like that. We're all part of a culture and we're. You don't have to want to have sex with it to know that it's beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's how I feel about Colin Farrell. Although. Okay.

[B]

I think it's also totally acceptable to be attracted to him. And I think you can be attracted to him and still not want to have sex. Sex with him.

[A]

That's true. I. I'm not crazy about dinglings. That's all. How did we get down this aisle?

[B]

You took us there. Yeah, in the shopping cart.

[A]

Well, who cares? That's true. But anyway, love Looking at him and there he is and he's in the show. And again, full respect. I don't want to yuck anybody's yum. And I really, you know, I have friends over at Apple. I probably know people that have worked on this show. And it's with full respect that I say the following critique is the show. He's like, remember in the Neil Breen movies where he's a savior?

[B]

Yeah, Right. He can do no wrong. Yeah.

[A]

I'm still watch. I'm only in one and a half episodes into Sugar. And the reason I'm still watching it and we'll continue to watch it is one, it's very well shot. Two, it's very well acted. It has that woman that we love. What's her name?

[B]

Amy Ryan.

[A]

Amy Ryan, who's incredible. Colin, who's incredible. All the acting is incredible. The DP is the direction. It's the writing. There's just sort of. Sort of something going on where I'm like, how. How are they making him so fucking savior? Perfect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like. I literally thought this. I was like, oh, are they trying to make Ted lasso the noir? Like, he's a detective with the heart of gold. And at the beginning you're kind of like, okay, he's. He keeps saving cats. That's a screenwriting term for like, he keeps doing a good deed so you like him when then inevitably he'll do a bad thing.

[B]

Can I say. Can I say, has it gotten to the point? Because I remember seeing in the trailer that it's like she like, Amy Ryan's like, you're a haunted man, Suga or something like that. She doesn't have that accent. And like he has. And it shows him sort of being like, not now. Like, he's about to have a panic attack.

[A]

He's been having some stuff.

[B]

Okay. So he might be. We might be seeing the underbelly of.

[A]

His past as we're unpacking this. Bravo. The makers of Sugar. Because I am on the hook and I'm going like, please, if you're gonna set this ornate table, just do it to like break it or smash it or do something interesting with it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Because one, he goes out with Amy Ryan, they get really drunk. He can't get drunk. That's like a flaw. Like he has a metabolism thing where he can't get drunk, which. Tell me that doesn't sound like something in a Neil Breen or a Tommy Wiseau. No matter what I drink, I can't get drunk because I am Infallible, very cool guy. Like, it's like that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, it seems like something Tommy Wiseau would be like. And of course, my guy's super cool guy, goes on date, doesn't get drunk, they go home. And he doesn't sleep with her, even though she wants to. And as I said, when I was telling you this earlier. Bless you. I was like, I'm all for that. That's interesting. Then the next night, and a good story to tell. And the next day she invites him to his a. Her AA meeting. Then she says, I've been 12 years sober. I haven't drank. I still last two weeks, I've been drinking like a fish. But last night, I brought a stranger into my home. He's in the crowd because she invited him. Sugar is in the crowd because she invited him to the AA meeting to hear this Cher. And he sits down and he looks great, and he's just, like, listening. And she's like, when? Last night I let a stranger in my house. And they share, like, a knowing look. And he's like, and he didn't have sex with me and he didn't rob me. He tucked me in and he left. And that's why I'm in AA now, because I realize that I'm worthy of love. And then it cuts to him and he's just like, hey. Like, he's just like, watch your day.

[B]

It's another day in the office.

[A]

Yeah, Sugar ain't sour, baby. That's one. That's one. I'm just over here going like, it really is a study in. Like, when you make your lead so likable, it's almost like, suspicious. It's a little bit like, hope you find your dad. It's like, stop. Like, we know this is made up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the cocktail that you're making about this guy is very weird.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

That he's like, and now I'm sober again, thanks to you, Mr. Sugar. And he's like, what could I say? I'm just a guy. Here's the other one. And then I'm gonna let it loose to you. He's going, this. I'm going in reverse order. He met her at a bar. He parks his cool ass sports car in front, and there's a homeless guy. I didn't tell you this. I said, I started telling you this. I was like, I'm just gonna tell you on the pod. He gets out and it's a convertible, so you can't really lock it. He goes up to the con to the fucking homeless guy. And he goes, hey, what's your name? And he's like, bobby. As soon as you see the homeless guy, you're like, this guy's a. This guy's over five lines. Like he's gonna be talking.

[B]

Yeah, you did.

[A]

Just the way it's shot. You're like, this homeless guy, this unhoused person comes into play.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Plus, it's done Sheetle. That is so funny. I could never get that bit to work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where I'm like, I feel like that janitor's coming back. He was Robert De Niro. Like, I think he's still in play.

[B]

I know. I love that.

[A]

So he talks to him, and he goes, would you watch my car for me? Listen to what I'm about to tell you. He goes, I'll give you a couple hundred bucks if you watch my car. Okay? So we're already, like, off the charts generous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then he goes, here. He gives him a cell phone. Anything happens to my car, you call me on that cell phone.

[B]

What?

[A]

Then he gives him a hundred bucks, and he goes, I'll give you 100 bucks when I come back out. And the guy's just like, the homeless guy. This is just a criticism. It's just like, yeah, Mr. Like, it's. It's like a story. Someone in junior high would say, like. And I said to the homeless guy, hey, you're down on your luck. You want a couple hundred smackers? I know you do, because I know a couple things about you. You're sitting on the sidewalk. You probably don't have a couple hundred bucks. Here's a phone. Call me if there's a problem. And the guy's like, sure. And then he goes into the bar. He comes out. Now he's with. What's her name? I keep forgetting.

[B]

Amy Ryan.

[A]

Amy Ryan. He's with Amy Ryan now, and they're leaving. He's not drunk because he can't get drunk. Neil Brain Presents. He comes out and he's sober, even though he's been drinking. See, he's the homeless guy. And the homeless guy, he goes, here's the other hundred. And the homeless guy goes to give the phone back. You know, and then. I'm not even mad at that. I'm mad at the phone.

[B]

The phone is to blame here.

[A]

I hate the phone.

[B]

Yeah, the phone sucks.

[A]

How about, I'll be in this bar. Come in and get me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or. Yeah.

[B]

And also, where. Where did he get that extra phone?

[A]

Oh, there's an insert shot of him getting the phone from the glove box. It's just, it's a, it's a whole setup. It's a whole. Guys, that's not a wrap. It's a wrap on Colin. But we need to get the insert of the glove box opening for the hobo phone.

[B]

Oh, my God. I just realized that the only thing was the not knowing where the phone came from was knowing where the phone came from.

[A]

From. He didn't just take it out of his pocket. It's his special giveaway burner phone that's charged even though it's just been sitting in it. Whatever he comes out, gives him the other hundred. And the guy goes to give the phone back and he goes, you know what? Keep it. And he goes, you have any family? And the guy's like. And he goes, come on, you got any family? And he's like, he doesn't even talk like this. And he's like, I got a sister in Milwaukee. He's like, keep the phone. You call your sister, you tell her what happened. Call me tomorrow. I'll buy you a ticket to Milwaukee and one for your dog too. We'll get him on as a service animal. Can you do that? And he's like, okay. Oh my God. And I'm just. Now, now, now I am only watching this show, only praying that he just sees that homeless guy walking around or something thing where, like, where it can't just be that this homeless guy is just homeless because he never took a minute to think of like, hey, who could put me up and like, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Right?

[A]

It hurts my heart and feels sort of naive in that way that when I was a kid, I was like, if only someone could just tell this person, right? Call your family member. Yeah, here's a couple hundred bucks and I'll buy you a ticket. And that would fix it. And it very much reminded me of the time when I was in fucking Madison, Wisconsin and my opener told me that he took. It wasn't like a friend of mine, he took a two day Greyhound bus trip to get there from wherever he was from. And I was like, that's unacceptable. Like, that sucks. He was a newlywed. It was horrible. Two full days on the bus to get to this show. I was like, I'm getting you a ticket. That's not that crazy. Yeah, but there's only one flight tomorrow. It's at 7am and he was like, oh my God, thank you so much. This is incredible. Next day I'm at the airport from my flight home. It's like 10:30am who do I see but that fucking guy?

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Like walking around like trying to get on a flight. He didn't. He went out the night before.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

The wrestler style. And got shit faced and missed the flight that I bought him that. I'm not saying I'm not being cynical, but life doesn't work like that. You can't just go up and go, hey, baked bean Joe riding the rails. Do you know anybody? You know what I do. What if I just sent you to them? Would that fix all your problems? It sure would, Mr. Sugar. Keep the phone. So now I'm watching, holding my breath. That they somehow ruin it. That they somehow like, go like, no, it was a joke. Like we were having him get people sober. We were having him rescue homeless, unhoused people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To show you that that isn't how the world works. But I don't, I don't. I don't have a good feeling about that.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like it actually still enjoying some aspects of the show. And I'd like to now read the cast and crew and the executive producer.

[B]

I was like, we should check, like, I don't know. I just. Yeah, I was like, let's check who is involved in that and see if they.

[A]

We can look. But I, I can't live in a world where I'm not allowed to have like. Very fair. Just sort of. I'm bumping on something. I'm enjoying other parts of it, but I'm like, there comes a point in a character development where you can't just be like, what's next? Yeah, he's just gonna throw a baseball to a kid and then. And then it cuts forward in the kids in the major leagues.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All because of you, Sugar.

[B]

It honestly is a really good. It's really helpful in thinking about screenwriting where you do want them to save the cat, but you really only want them to save one cat.

[A]

It's called Save the cat, not Save the herd of cats.

[B]

Yeah. Save the world like you and, and that we want characters who are flawed. Otherwise we're just not interested because we know it's not real now. It's like CGI of characterization. We're like, well, that's what it was. Doesn't feel right.

[A]

And even the people that wrote it, it felt like, are these notes are they making like, again, is this Ted Lasso the noir? And they're like, you know, what really works for us is shows where people are really, really good. Because if it was Jason Sudeikis and he was a soccer coach, and he was like, you have any family? Like, we. We would. I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trying to remember how hard they wanted that on that show.

[B]

Yeah. And. Or exactly when. Well, so even in the pilot of Ted Lasso, I think we see that his wife doesn't really want anything to do with him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that's at least something where you're like, okay, so he's not, like, perfect. At least, you know, things aren't perfect for him. But that. That's probably. I have to guess and hope that that's at least how the pilot ends is like, okay, we've really built this guy up. You love him. He's such a good guy. Yes. But he's about to, like, have a panic attack or really, the best thing that could happen is, like, he has some sort of flip out. And then, like, the. That homeless guy is like, I don't know, trying to call him or something, and he is like, yeah, maybe passed out on.

[A]

Honestly. Honestly. Yeah. Sex worker. Honestly. So in. I'm correcting you.

[B]

No, I'm. God.

[A]

So, like, who's laughing now? I'm going back to Old country buffet. I'm gonna keep watching.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm enjoying. Now. I just walk it back. It's a good show, but there are. There are good things about it. But I'm just really bumping on that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm really curious to see where it goes. So, you know, they win. I'm gonna keep watching, but I don't have a strong feeling that it's gonna be like, he's gonna see that homeless guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, here's the Vegas story, and then we'll get the out of here. This is a dues. I think this is a dues. You know what? I love the guy that booked me for this gig. I'll start at the beginning.

[B]

He said that's a good place to start.

[A]

Yeah, I will. But at the end of the night, he said, that would have been a good episode of Crashing. And that's when I really felt seen and appreciated by this guy. So the people that booked me, I was. I was. I got along with them well and enjoyed them. But the memo, meaning the deal, the offer, comes in in an email, and it's like, it's 300 oil men. Like, people that work in oil, and they're notorious.

[B]

Sorry, go ahead. You tell the story.

[A]

It says, like, just so you know, this is historically a rowdy crowd. They will have been drinking all day. And I'm just reading this I was like, what is my life?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like Mission Impossible. It's like, hello, Mr. Hunt. Like, do you want to go to Las Vegas? A place that's just, for me, a tricky place to do shows anyway.

[B]

Right.

[A]

When you're competing with every type of entertainment over stimulation. Alcohol, sex, drugs. And then you're like, hey, ice packs. You know, it's like, weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're like. They're. They're just so. You know, it's. It's historically a very difficult show. I can't remember exactly the wording, but it was like, this is not a cushy gig, but do you want to do it? And I was like, sure, sure, I'll do it. And I go and I bring Lara Bites and we fly out. Part of the reason I did it was because it's Vegas, very easy. I can fly direct, super simple shows at, like, 10 o'. Clock. I get there, and when I say, like, these guys had been drinking all day. We went into the showroom. It was like this. It was called the Excess Lounge or something. Perfect. And, like, I looked up the Excess Lounge and it was a place. It was like kind of indoor, outdoor. There was a pool.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Not great. There was a huge chandelier. All the walls were, like naked women covered in gold, like, pushing out of the wall. Very Vegas.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Very sort of like that gaudy Vegas thing. And everyone in that room, I'm just like, everyone here is so loaded. Like, you can just tell there's like a leisured, loaded. Who gives a fuck? So that's a hard group to get to merge into your observations about your family. And they're. So Laura's on stage when she says that she's sober. So one of the guys at the bar yells, quitter. Like, it's that kind of crowd.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which not only is not funny, it's also, like, deeply obvious. Yeah, but they're also blackout drunk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Laura does. I. I was proud of Laura. She stuck to her guns. She did her set. She wasn't getting much of a response. I would say that if she was sitting here, that's just what happened. She. But she stayed solid.

[B]

It was a win for her.

[A]

I thought it was a super.

[B]

Was unflappable.

[A]

She was unflappable. She did her job and she was being very funny. It just wasn't. They. They didn't even fully settle down.

[B]

They were still chatting and stuff.

[A]

No, it was. I was sitting there and I was actually smiling at how unideal it was. I was like, look, at what's happening.

[B]

Yeah, it's that thing that we talk about where I think something gets. Gets so chaotic. You just have to. Yeah, you have to surrender.

[A]

I really was feeling pretty like there and enjoying how stupid and crazy it was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then, you know, I won't go beat for beat, but I went up on stage and I. I knew there were people in the crowd that, like, wanted to enjoy it. I had met some of them in the casino and the good natured people. But then there were just, like. It was just. I'll put it like this. Like. Like I'm not really getting laughs. This was the only part I really was excited to share was I said to them, I'm doing crowd work a little bit. And I go, how rich are you guys? Like, how rich? How. Who here has $10 million in their checking account? And like, some people, like, started to clap and I was like, you know I'm joking. Like, you're not supposed to. And then I go, who's here is rich, but you're still miserable. And a couple of people clapped, and I really appreciated that. I was like, like, who climbed to the top of the ladder and was like, it's the wrong ladder. Jesus was right. And that made me really, really proud.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. There's a nefarious white van. Van at our house, but it's probably a package delivery.

[A]

It's okay. The story was going brilliantly.

[B]

Well, I. I have to be able to look.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's a package.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I was trying to see if it was the caterpillars that I ordered, but it comes in a smaller package than that.

[A]

You ordered caterpillars?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm getting a strong hope you find your dad feeling about me being like, wait till you hear this, Vegas.

[B]

No, because you haven't even gotten to.

[A]

What'S the good part.

[B]

The drunk guy.

[A]

So one of the things that made it different from other corporate shows was they didn't say you had to be clean. And I thought that was interesting. Interesting. I was like, at least if they're all drunk, I can be dirty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, you know, traditionally drunk crowds perk up a little bit if you're dirty. And Lara was very dirty. And then I'm going up and. And I'm doing my. Some of my dirty stuff. And in like, probably 10 minutes in this, this gentleman, you know, he's got a suit and a cowboy hat. He comes to the front, older guy, and he's like a cliche drunk. He's like blinking One eye and kind of, like, wobbling. And he goes. And he. And he does this weird, like, circle motion and then points at me and then turns around and walks out. And I'm like, what? What was that? I say, yeah, into the mic. What was that?

[B]

But he said something.

[A]

No, he didn't. Oh, he did that. But he did it very pointedly. Like, he came out to the front of the stage. I was like, what is this? And I'm not doing well, to give you an example, another example of how the crowd was. I did my joke about my prostate exam. Am.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the joke is, I go, it wasn't that bad.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

What's the big deal? I'm like a gaping yellow flower. It's like a hummingbird just pollinated me. Fresh for another season. And someone goes, maybe you liked it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's this kind of crowd. It was also the kind of crowd where I drank. I sipped my water at one point, and someone went, how's that water?

[B]

It's so.

[A]

And I'm like. And I literally was like, do you have any idea how much courage it takes to come up here and try and do this? And you're gonna yell, how's that water? To me? Like. Like, I was like, really? In my fight flight, like, very worse. Like, honestly, kind of freaked out at how difficult this was. And also, that got sort of turned into a nice calm that I was able to use. But anyway, I'm doing my act, Then this guy comes up, he does the circle, he points, and he walks away. And I go, what was that? He turns back around and goes, you're. You're not talented if you have to cuss to be funny. And then I'm like, okay, okay. I didn't know. I thought about saying something cheeky.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I honestly, in that moment, I was like, I'm not one of those guys. I really did wish that everybody was enjoying it. So I'm not gonna be like, fuck you. You know it's not like that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then the crowd did boo him a little bit and all this sort of stuff. But it was one of the weirdest. It would have been a good episode of Crashing.

[B]

Yeah. And then because it is, like, probably a primarily conservative crowd and could even be somewhat religious crowd.

[A]

Well, then I did hear later that that guy was mad that I was, in quotes, making fun of God. But all I said about God was, you ever climb up the ladder and go, oh, no, Jesus was right.

[B]

Yeah. So actually, you were saying, like, you were saying Jesus was right.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Although, looking back, I'm like, that was kind of a bold move to tell a bunch of. Who knows? I don't know.

[B]

Yeah. So, of course, as most emotionally illiterate billionaires, he was probably more mad about that, but. Well, I also had moral high ground.

[A]

It also came to a point where I was like, when people are very, very drunk, and that's what these people seem to be, why am I looking for any reason.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Any rationale whatsoever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I had to, like, it took a couple days to come down from it and just kind of re. Acclimate and get the adrenaline out of my body. And then I did a show last night at the Comedy Store, and I was in heaven.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said to Lara, I go, the funny thing about comedy is if you get really good at it, one of your rewards is you are invited to perform in places where it's almost impossible to do it.

[B]

Right. That's true. Yeah.

[A]

If you are one of, like, the people that have done this gig are some of the. Some of my absolute favorites of all time. And he told me before the show, he was like, none of them did well. This person bailed on their material. This person just did crowd work. This person bombed all this sort of stuff. And I was like, that's our reward.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like. And I am saying this, I'm grateful that I did that job because it was a good gig.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, it wasn't a good time.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

But I'll never. I wish I. No, I wouldn't change myself for the world. I've thought about that guy many times and been like. Like, I wish. I wish I had won them over. That's just how I'm wired.

[B]

Oh, win them over. That's so interesting.

[A]

Well, I wish everybody had enjoyed the show.

[B]

Right. But I guess I'm like, I would think of that guy and be like, I wish that I had said, like, and this from an alcoholic or something.

[A]

Well, I don't know. He might have clocked me.

[B]

What do you mean? Oh, clocked you like a. Yeah, wackadoo. I don't live in that world. So I literally think you meant, like.

[A]

Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, Val. I told two stories today, and both of them were like, wait till you get a load of this. And one was like, kind of a Rocky show in Vegas. And one was Hope youe Find you'd dad. And the best parts, honestly, were when we were just farting in the breeze and having a gay old time.

[B]

You Know what? I literally brought nothing to the table, so I appreciate your stories.

[A]

No, no, you. You did slouch down and kind of wrapped up and your eyes glazed over, and, you see, started looking at a package, and, well, I didn't feel super supported, but I feel okay. It kind of brought me back to that Vegas feeling. It put me in the space of the show.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

No, no, no. I loved it. I love being kind of feeling alone.

[B]

I didn't know that you needed me to be a full, full audience for this.

[A]

No. Was there anything worthy of sharing in that story?

[B]

Yeah, I think you shared it, and I think it went well. I. I. You're the one that. That. I think you just are losing steam, and. Yeah, you're not seeing it clearly, but I think it's great. And I think the hope you find your dad is, like, one of the best moments because we got to see the, like, arc.

[A]

Oh, I agree. When you see a joke doesn't work.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I am sorry that I slouched. The twist of this is that I'm.

[A]

Fully sick, and I don't feel great either.

[B]

I'm so sick.

[A]

No, I'm feeling. We could maybe it is the eclipse.

[B]

Well, no, I actually have a cold, but yeah.

[A]

Yeah, it's probably the eclipse.

[B]

All right, well, thanks, everybody. I'm sorry that you had that Vegas show, and I'm sorry. Even sorry I looked at that package.

[A]

Well, it is interesting because both the sugar thing and the Vegas thing are complicated things to talk about, because on one hand, I'm very grateful that they had me, and it's like, thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it was a good job.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then it also was, like, a very tricky, like, an episode of Crashing. Boy, it was rough.

[B]

I can't. I. I can't imagine for. For me, and you are a lot like me. A harder audience to perform for than drunk oilman.

[A]

Right. Well, and it's just, like, rich leisure, like, powerful feeling people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Comedy has a lot to do with merging, and I was looking at a lot of, like, powerful individuals. They were like, some of these guys own sports teams and stuff, and, like, some guy comes in. But then when we were leaving, so many people in the lobby were like, that was a great show. And I was like, see, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even the more distance I felt between me and them, the more reason I want to merge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That it's not just to do well. It would be great to do well in front of a group where I'm like, if I had to guess how I would do in front of a group. Group of oilmen. It would probably be, like, not so great. And I. I would have loved it if we all came together, and we did. For certain moments, my take your shoes off joke did really well.

[B]

Oh, yeah. See, I'm. I'm certain, because this has always been true, that it went way better than you.

[A]

No, they were. They were happy. I really appreciate that. It was just like, I'll never forget a guy coming square to the center of the stage, giving me, like, a weird voodoo air curse, and then telling me I wasn't talented. The thing that I. Because I cut cuss. And the. The defensive response would be like, really? Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K.

[B]

Or you just say, like.

[A]

Like, you just cuss, you're not talented. But also, why are we even having this fake conversation with somebody? Like, it doesn't.

[B]

No, you're not going to convince him. And that's certainly not the time. You'll lose everybody in the new place.

[A]

Of course, it would be like me being like, if you're gonna trade at $7 a barrel.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, yeah, like, let's. Let's stay in our life. All right, everybody. Thanks for being here. Valerie, you know what to do.

[B]

Keep it crispy.