You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #174

Date: April 26, 2024
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest/Co-Host: Valerie (Pete’s wife)

Overview

In this episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie invite listeners into a highly personal, “inverted” edition of their Friday bonus series. Mixing genuine vulnerability about mental health and trauma with trademark silliness and comedic riffs, the two navigate Pete’s recent feelings of depression, how childhood wounds resurface, the struggle to contextualize difficult emotions, and—true to form—find time for delightfully absurd bits about showbiz, acting, and everyday observations.
Listeners get both a deep, honest conversation about self-understanding and the playful banter that “We Made It Weird” fans have come to love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Episode Structure and Tone (00:31–01:07)

• "Inverted" Episode Structure:
  • Valerie notes: first half is deep therapy, second half is bits and laughs.
  • Pete jokes: “An inverted nipple of a show here… Not bad weird, just not… not typical. Not nipple.”
  • Sets up the deeper, more vulnerable start, followed by lighter entertainment.

2. Silliness as Entry Point (06:01–07:31)

• Playful banter about the song “Barbara Ann”—how the lyrics get misheard, and whether car dealers use it.
• Joking about bits from Pete's former relationship—“The thing I miss the most about my ex-wife is the bits.”

3. Pete’s Mental Health & Trauma Response (07:45–17:10)

Hyperfocus, Memory, and Emotional RAM

• Pete describes his brain as having limited “slots of RAM” (10:48):

  "I'm an old computer… it only has five slots of RAM… what I put in those slots is my entire reality."

• Shares vulnerability about recent depression:

  “I feel vulnerable saying that, especially on the show… it’s a non-circumstantial one. One of the things that got loaded in there was like a powerless child feeling.” (11:09)

• Struggles to recall emotional moments unless actively “saved,” comparing himself to his father in selective memory.

The “Cheesecloth” Metaphor

• Emotions act as cheesecloths through which he perceives his day—childhood wounds or sadness as the primary filter affecting even happy experiences. (12:42)
• Valerie: “That first cheesecloth is fucking our days or making our days.” (13:09)

Trauma Activation & Shame

• Recent events (parents’ anniversary) have reactivated old wounds.
• Pete feels like “Frankenstein’s monster at the beach” when old shame and trauma are triggered. (14:45)
• He describes the downward spiral:

  “Val's right. We should go to New York while we're in Boston… and then I'm like, it's because of me. I'm a freak… I can't do it. Shame. It was all of this shame.” (14:45)

• On the difficulty of self-care routines (e.g., breathwork, exercise) during depression:

  “Oftentimes when I have the will to do breath work, it's because my life is going well… then you're like, you're gunked. You're clogged.” (15:43)

4. Contextualizing Trauma and Emotional Cycles (17:10–27:12)

Understanding Patterns & The Werewolf Analogy

• Valerie emphasizes contextualizing reactions to reduce shame: (17:13)

  “When you put it in a context, then it's contained in that context as opposed to this, like, ‘Why is… sometimes I'm in Tony Robbins mode, and sometimes I'm completely destroyed.’”

• Pete: “The werewolf analogy… you feel [like] it's a full moon, so I'm just gonna go eat the neighbor's chickens.” (17:44)

Trauma Responses as Universal

• Valerie: “If you can take comfort in the fact that you are actually following a very well-trodden path. This is exactly what trauma responses look like in a human body.” (21:14)
• Discussion of shame as a nearly universal feeling among people grappling with trauma, and the importance of not minimizing one’s own experience.
• Pete: “I want people to greenlight their own pain because then we can start dealing with it instead of just putting it in the mayonnaise jar and it breaks every six weeks.” (24:17)

Toxic Positivity & The Limits of Positive Thinking

• Valerie distinguishes between healthy reframing and suppressing difficult feelings (“toxic positivity”)
• Pete: “Tony [Robbins] talks about that. He's like, that's like going out to your garden and saying, ‘There are no weeds.’ ... You have to weed your garden.” (26:57)

5. Spirituality & Embracing All Experience (28:01–34:47)

• Pete shares how spiritual teachings help him sit with pain but don’t necessarily make feelings vanish:

  “My spiritual work has helped deeply with this sadness, and it didn't make it go away, and I think that's interesting.” (28:18)

• Citing Rupert Spira:

  “When you're struggling… just check in. Is the awareness that holds that feeling… anything other than peace? …I am peaceful, happy and content. And there's this phenomenon happening.” (28:31)

• Pete describes a vivid metaphor: “More confusion, more pain, more malaise…” as a sailor strapped to a mast, inviting life’s storms, suggesting radical acceptance. (29:36–32:07)
• Valerie: “What, are you gonna resist it the entire time? That is miserable. So it actually makes logical sense [to embrace it].” (32:47)

6. The Everlasting Gobstopper & Desire (34:47–41:42)

• The Gobstopper as a metaphor for the ever-renewing challenge (“everlasting” emotional work):

  Pete recalls: “I remember… I would buy an everlasting gobstopper. And, like, I really had this hope that it would last forever… the hope that God doesn't stop.” (34:59)

• Discussion of universal desire/Zeno’s paradox:
  • Pete (quoting Rupert Spira): “A lot of self-aggrandizing… comes from the human's desperate attempt to have its finite nature reflect its infinite nature.” (38:20)
  • Sadhguru quote: “If you owned the entire Earth… how long before you want the moon and… Mars?” (39:00)
• Valerie observes this in parenting:

  “She’s just a pure example of the nature of the whole universe, which is to want more and more and more and more.” (36:21)

7. Non-duality, Accepting Desire, and the Nature of Reality (41:42–54:09)

• Applying spiritual perspectives (“non-duality”) to day-to-day struggle, desire, and the feeling of separateness.
• Valerie reflects on desire as a universal property, not evidence of spiritual failure:

  “I feel like it's some sort of spiritual failure that I want things. And when I think about… consciousness expanding because it is [in love] with everything.” (40:51)

• Pete explores physical metaphors: fire’s desire for wood, electricity’s longing for ground (41:38–41:56).
• Ponders religious metaphors (Abraham & Isaac) as reflections on detachment and the human condition.
• Pete shares his routine of daily awe and gratitude:

  “There's a moment every morning… I get up and I'm like, it's this. It's here. I'm here again. Wow." (53:14)

• Non-duality and “the mystery”: discussing awareness, identity, and the sense that “this is it.”

8. Comedy, Ego, & Showbiz Anecdotes (46:17–54:00)

The “Hundreds of Things” Acting Bit

• Pete recounts being recognized at a coffee shop: a casting director innocently asks if he ever acts.
  • The challenge: “Try to say 'I've been in hundreds of things' and not sound like a turd.” (47:51)
  • Comical attempts by Pete and Valerie to answer humbly, then riffing on different ways to answer as various personalities (e.g., channeling Richard Rohr).

The Beginner’s Mind

• Valerie: “Confusion leads to a beginner’s mind.” (52:03)
• Quotes from Rupert Spira about moving from ‘head’ to ‘heart’, relinquishing the urge to “figure it all out.”

9. More Absurdist Fun—Impressions, Commercial Jokes & Riffs (54:10–68:14)

• Pete and Valerie riff on actors (John C. Reilly, etc.), the art of acting, and casting director psychology.
• Impersonations and running gags:
  • Sam Elliott voice, cowboy movie tropes (“buy you dinner”… meaning “I’m going to shoot you”).
  • Kermit the Frog, Ray Romano, Dr. Phil, and “Sam Hole L. Jackson.”
  • Lightly dance around loaded topics (Israel joke), dodge controversy, and bring it back to playfulness.
• Parenting jokes and relationship moments (joking about missing each other since becoming parents).

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On hyperfocus, trauma and memory:

  Pete: “I'm an old computer… it only has five slots of RAM… what I put in those slots is my entire reality.” (10:49)

• Cheesecloth metaphor

  Pete: “It's almost like I'm pouring water and the water is my day. And now we're putting these different cheesecloths, and there's only five of them. And the superpower is if I want to focus on just doing an hour of stand up… it's one of the reasons why I don't like go out…” (11:42)

• On contextualizing trauma

  Valerie: “…When you put it in a context, then it's contained in that context as opposed to this, like, ‘Why is… sometimes I'm in Tony Robbins mode, and sometimes I'm completely destroyed.’” (17:13)

• Inviting all emotions

  Pete: “More confusion, more pain, more malaise, more… The big one was confusion, more confusion. And it was like celebrating this, like, I want it all. I want it all, like a crazy sailor.” (29:36)

• On desire and expansion

  Pete (quoting Sadhguru): “If you owned the entire Earth… how long before you want the moon and how long before you want Mars? That's the nature.” (39:00)

• On the power of attention

  Valerie: “All those feelings, actually, they only want one thing—and that's your attention.” (28:01)

• On spiritual acceptance

  Pete: “My spiritual work has helped deeply with this sadness, and it didn't make it go away, and I think that's interesting.” (28:18)

• Showbiz anecdote

  Pete: “Try to say 'I've been in hundreds of things' and not sound like a turd. Try to say it meekly.” (47:51)

• On "beginner's mind" and confusion

  Valerie: “Confusion leads to a beginner's mind. So it is a gift… You're like, ‘I just got here, and I don't know what the hell is happening.’” (52:10)

Key Timestamps

• 00:31–01:08: Show structure, “inverted” format intro
• 06:01–07:31: Goofiness: lyrics and childhood misunderstandings
• 07:45–17:10: Pete’s depressive episode, emotional RAM, and vulnerability
• 17:10–27:12: Contextualizing shame and trauma, “werewolf” and “cheesecloth” metaphors
• 28:01–34:47: Spiritual integration, “kissing the frog” and radical acceptance
• 34:47–41:42: The gobstopper metaphor, desire, expansion, and parenting
• 41:42–54:09: Non-duality, routine awe, and the mystery of consciousness
• 46:17–54:00: Showbiz humor, acting humility riff, Richard Rohr anecdote
• 54:10–68:14: Bits: actor impressions, product riffing, Dr. Phil and cowboy metaphors, playfulness

Conclusion

"We Made It Weird #174" is a rich blend of heartfelt honesty and joyful absurdity. Pete and Valerie open up about the complexity of living with trauma, the recurring cycles of emotional difficulty, and how spiritual practices and honest relationships help them navigate life’s turbulence. Alongside, they showcase the show’s signature silliness—turning ego bruises and childhood stories into comedic gold.
A standout episode for its openness, insight, and the enduring invitation to “keep it crispy”—even when things get weird.

Final Words:

Pete (to Valerie, after a particularly therapeutic exchange):
“You giving me that space to kind of just like… like banging a dusty carpet on a clothesline. And then at the other side of it, you're just like… And it's so essential.” (65:01)