We Made It Weird #212

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Episode #212

Release Date: March 28, 2025

Hosts: Pete Holmes and Valerie

---

Introduction

In episode #212 of You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes, Pete Holmes and his guest Valerie dive deep into a mix of comedic riffs, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions. Skipping over the usual introductory banter, the episode quickly transitions into engaging conversations that blend humor with genuine introspection.

---

1. Hypothetical Academy Awards Scenario

The episode kicks off with an imaginative take on the Oscars. Pete introduces a parallel reality where John Goodman wins the Best Actor award for his role in The Flintstones movie.

• Pete (08:03): "This year, the academy award, a big upset. Best actor went to John Goodman for the Flintstones movie."

• Valerie (09:15): "It's like a three-minute standing ovation. Everyone is immediately... he's crying."

The duo humorously explores how such an unexpected win would unfold on stage, blending animated descriptions with playful banter.

---

2. Relationship Dynamics and Communication

Transitioning from fictional awards, Pete and Valerie delve into the complexities of relationships, focusing on communication and mutual understanding.

• Pete (25:20): "I don't like when people are in relationships that are bad for them and... postponing pain."

• Valerie (26:26): "We are very stubborn about people who are drawing out their suffering."

They discuss the importance of addressing issues head-on rather than prolonging discomfort, emphasizing the value of decisive action in personal relationships.

---

3. Perception of Beauty and Self-Esteem

The conversation shifts to societal standards of beauty and personal self-esteem, highlighting the subjective nature of attraction.

• Valerie (53:12): "I have to make a bigger point. You gave me such a self-esteem boost of my life."

• Pete (53:27): "I'm not being judgmental about looks. Everyone's beautiful."

They reflect on how personal affirmations from loved ones can bolster self-esteem, contrasting it with external perceptions and societal pressures.

---

4. Humor and Comedy in Relationships

Pete and Valerie explore how humor plays a pivotal role in sustaining relationships, sharing personal stories and comedic insights.

• Pete (46:12): "The hand buzzer gag is up there with Drop Dead Fred... as things that disappointed me as a child."

• Valerie (47:05): "It's trashy, but it's a different kind of trash."

Through anecdotes about childhood pranks and shared laughter, they illustrate how humor can bridge gaps and foster deeper connections.

---

5. Technology and Personal Health

The hosts touch upon modern technology's influence on personal well-being, discussing gadgets that aid in stress relief and health monitoring.

• Pete (42:11): "I'm wearing my Apollo Neuro... It sends soothing, calming messages directly into your nervous system."

• Valerie (72:43): "I love the Oura ring. It keeps me relaxed and feels good."

They review products like the Apollo Neuro and Oura Ring, sharing their experiences with how these devices help manage stress, enhance sleep, and improve overall health.

---

6. Personal Stories and Anecdotes

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to personal stories, ranging from humorous mishaps to vulnerable admissions.

• Pete (70:04): "I masturbated and my phone thought I was swimming. It recorded 171 calories burned!"

• Valerie (61:52): "I was looking at a massage advertisement that turned naughty... It took me out of it."

These candid stories not only provide comic relief but also offer listeners a glimpse into the hosts' personal lives and insecurities.

---

7. Conclusion

As the episode winds down, Pete and Valerie reflect on the balance between humor and vulnerability, emphasizing the importance of authentic connections.

• Pete (73:34): "I like what this guy is worried about. And it was heaven."

• Valerie (75:10): "How about that note? A heavier lady at a fancy party just cut the cheese."

Their final thoughts encapsulate the episode's blend of comedy and heartfelt discussion, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and contemplation.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Pete (08:03): "Best actor went to John Goodman for the Flintstones movie."

• Valerie (25:20): "I don't like when people are in relationships that are bad for them..."

• Pete (42:11): "Apollo Neuro is my secret weapon for reliable serenity and relief."

• Pete (70:04): "I masturbated and my phone thought I was swimming."

---

Final Thoughts

Episode #212 of You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes masterfully balances humor with profound discussions on relationships, self-esteem, and personal well-being. Through relatable anecdotes and witty exchanges, Pete and Valerie offer listeners both laughter and thoughtful insights, staying true to the podcast's essence of unveiling everyone's "secret weirdness."

Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah. You made it with. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos?

[A]

Look, I know I say it, I know, but this one, this one, I admit.

[B]

I admit.

[A]

You don't always.

[B]

I have my scruples most of the time.

[A]

You don't always. I'm like, this is hall of fame.

[B]

I. This one was so fun. You look. It was fun to do. I hope it's fun to listen to.

[A]

Well, I know for sure we're going to listen to this one.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[A]

We almost never done. We've done that maybe twice in the whole. And this is one where I'm like, oh, my God. Did you hear that?

[B]

Yeah. Was that your stomach?

[A]

No, it's kind of like my throat.

[B]

I've had those. I know that.

[A]

What was that? It was embarrassing when you realize you're just wet pipes. Wet pipes made of cold cuts.

[B]

It's like when you. When your body, like, force, swallows.

[A]

Yeah, no, me goose.

[B]

Where you're like, I'm sorry. I did not give the go ahead for that song.

[A]

Look, we can be a disgusting wet bag of stuff, but at least let me be in control.

[B]

Yes, please.

[A]

That's why pooping pants, peeing pants, these are like the worst atrocities.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

But.

[B]

But if you can go like, no.

[A]

I'm gonna hold that in. You're like, I may be disgusting, but I decide when I'm disgusting on my own timetable. I go in that little room, I close the door, and that's where I be's disgusting. Then I clean up and I come out, and then we act like it didn't happen. Although we all know I was gone longer than the length of a pee. We're so glad you're here. I'm on Tour. It's the PG13 Tour, a mostly clean comedy tour, and it's coming to you. I think we just announced Boston, so. Boy, oh, boy, I hope you can come to that one.

[B]

It's this summer and I have things to plug this time, too. All right, but do yours.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. We're rescheduling New Jersey, but Austin is on St. Louis, Toronto, Los Angeles, Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington, D.C. and Boston. Boston's August 23, so get tickets to all of those and follow me around. Like the fish. Like the grateful fish. Okay, Valerie, go ahead.

[B]

Well, actually, I just realized you. This will come out Friday, so you missed one of the things, but. Yeah, that's the other thing, the premiere of my short film. But if you're in the LA area on April 8, it will. My short film will be screening again with the Pasadena International Film Festival.

[A]

Cute. And it's called Best Life.

[B]

It's called Best life. We're block 22, baby. So. So check. Check it out. That's the.

[A]

That's the blog.

[B]

That's what you buy tickets for. Yeah. Block 22.

[A]

Great.

[B]

On April 8th.

[A]

Well, I'm so proud of you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm so excited that we're gonna get to see it tomorrow. I know that'll already have happened when.

[B]

You hear this, so sorry about that.

[A]

And at some point it'll. It'll just be made available, but absolutely. If you're in la, come see it live and see Val Life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Valerie. Oh, yeah. The show. Is this what we do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The show is brought to you by things we actually use and actually love.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

So try one of these things and then we'll roll into the episode. Thank you for your support as always. Katie. Roll that beautiful bean footage. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Shakti Mats. I wonder, have you ever tried laying on a bed of nails? No. That's basically what a Shakti mat is. It's thousands and thousands of tiny, hard plastic spikes on a mat that you roll out. I put it on my favorite anti gravity chair so I can really get on there. Why? Well, because it's like cold exposure. It's like a sauna. It's like a tense massage at first and then you melt into it. And it's basically like having an on demand, amazing stress relieving muscle relaxing, circulation boosting, massage at the ready. You basically have a massage rolled up in the corner of your room whenever you need it. I travel a lot and especially as I'm getting older, so much tension in my shoulders, in my back. I even sometimes stand on my Shakti mat to activate all those acupressure sensor points and just feel stress melting away. I absolutely love it. I love massage. I love all of those things that I mentioned. But Shakti mat is different. You don't get all oily. You don't have to make an appointment. You don't have to strain through it. You get to adjust and move. If it's too much, get up. But I'll tell you, if you push through the initial of laying on a bunch of on an acupressure mat, you are headed towards pleasure town and relief town and stress melting away town. It is a wonderful, wonderful secret weapon against stress and muscle tension. The first time I used it, I fell asleep. I think it's so relaxing. I don't even think about it as poke mats anymore. And if you're looking for something to get a friend that is eccentric and strange and you don't know what to get them, Everybody deals with stress. Get him a Shakti mat or get yourself a Shakti mat. I've tried other types of acupressure mats. It is incredibly high quality. It's the sharpest and it's handmade in India by people who are paired, paid fairly, paid fairly hard to say and with the highest quality materials. I can vouch for that. So deeper sleep, stress relief, muscle relaxation, better circulation, mental clarity and just a general sense of well being whenever you need it. Shakti mats are my secret weapon. For reliable serenity and relief, go to Shakti matt.com that's S H-A K T I M A T.com and use code weird30. You'll get 30. 30% off any Shakti mat. That's shaktimat.com use promo code weird30. Speaking of feeling better on airplanes, I have a secret weapon. Whenever I fly, I take element. Why? Because whenever I want to be super hydrated and take care of my body from the inside out, meaning flooding every cell with the optimum ratio of sodium, potassium and magnesium. Those are the three. Hydration. Hydration, hydration. Prevent brain fog, head headaches, cramps, all of the bad things associated with not getting enough water. But it's not just water. You need these minerals to assist your body in absorbing that water. We know about electrolytes. In the 90s it meant a flat red soda. That's. That's done. Element is all of the good stuff, none of the bad. It's like five calories. It tastes fantastic. I love the watermelon salt. That's my favorite flavor. And it. There's no BS in it. You're getting potassium, magnesium and sodium rushing into you. It's replaced my morning cup of coffee when I fly. It keeps me hydrated after a workout. It makes me feel fantastic. You can just feel it rushing into your body, replenishing you and giving you what you need to feel fantastic. I also find it's wonderful for brain fog. For mental clarity. It dials you in. So go to drinklmnt.com weird use promo code weird. You'll get a free three element sample pack. That's like a 14 value. You can also try their new Element sparkling which are 16 ounce cans of sparkling electrolyte water. I absolutely love them. The black cherry lime is my favorite. I'm often drinking it on the show here. And element even has a no questions asked refund policy. You don't have anything to lose. You don't even have to send it back. So support your body, Support this show. Go to drinklmnt.com weird. Get a free sample pack. That's drinkelement.com weird. All right, everybody, we're so glad you're here.

[B]

Valerie, get into it. Duh.

[A]

What if. What if I. What if I. What if I told you that the Flintstones movie with John Goodman never won.

[B]

An academy award retroactively?

[A]

Oh, my God. This year, the academy award, a big upset. Best actor went to John Goodman for the Flintstones movie.

[B]

The first time they've ever done this.

[A]

And everyone's. He's not even there. They're cut into Oscar Isaac. There's Adrien Brody, and they. They open it, but then the person opening the envelope isn't that shocked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it kind of ruins the bit. They have to open it and kind of calmly just be like John Goodman for the Flintstones movie. And then this is key. I don't know why I have such strong feelings about this. A three minute standing ovation. Like, everyone is immediately. Even the last to stand is Adrien Brody, who thought he was gonna win, but this is a parallel reality. He did not win. John Goodman won. He goes to the mic and he goes, I've been waiting for this. I didn't know I was waiting for this, but I was waiting for this. And then he'd go. And then he goes, I'm not going to take a lot of time. He gives kind of a side eye to Brody. Then he just goes, yabba dabba do.

[B]

And everyone erupts.

[A]

It's like. It's deafening. And he's crying. And then he gets in the car. Yeah, the waddle, the wag, the wagging, the wagon.

[B]

And he. And his feet are moving like in the. As quickly as it does where you can't make.

[A]

If it's feet. They move like the sound of the high keys of a piano being tickled.

[B]

Flintstones. Blurry feet. Stones.

[A]

You take my breath away.

[B]

That was.

[A]

You take my breath away.

[B]

If I were a professional, I would have been able to do more of the song, But I just. I could. I had to stop at blurry feet. Stones.

[A]

How many feet are going on down there? No, it doesn't.

[B]

See, you're a professional.

[A]

You know what's fun about that is When I started, I went, how many feet? And I just trusted.

[B]

See, that's what you can do.

[A]

That something would catch me. Yeah, you got going on. I'm good with syllables.

[B]

You are?

[A]

Well, you're very good with syllables.

[B]

You're in. I would say I'm. Syllables.

[A]

I'm very good with syllables.

[B]

I can do syllables and syllabuses.

[A]

Somebody interviewing a guy who hasn't had work, and it's like, what are you good at? I'm very good.

[B]

Like Eminem now applying for a job because.

[A]

Oh, because AI does all the rap rap now.

[B]

Yeah, all the rap rap. You are incredibly good at improvised singing.

[A]

I appreciate it.

[B]

Which really is one of my favorite things.

[A]

It's one of my. You can gauge how happy I am by how much I'm doing it. That's a good tell.

[B]

So you okay?

[A]

Actually, I am okay. I. It's funny for. First of all, I'd like to circle back to that riff we just did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And look, I'm actually feeling kind of complicated today, so it's not just mania. Pete loves Val. Val loves Pete. Whoopty. What did you say? Yabba debba.

[B]

Flintstones. Blurry feet stones.

[A]

Blurry feet stones. So this isn't just an hour and a half of blurry feet stones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hour and a half. Someone turns it off. I can't be doing this for an hour. It made you, like, remember your life. I have things to do.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Click of the radio. But I'm feeling all the feels, in fact, that today. That it's very, very true. The like, I feel everything in the course of a day, and I've already felt it, and it's 1245. But anyway, so it's not just mania. I want to say that one of the things that I think is good, and it is something that I did, but it's something that you do as well. I'm just gonna say it. Enough throat clearing. I was gonna say, what if you found out that the Flintstones movie, the John Goodman Flintstones movie never existed? Oh, that's where I was going. Yeah, but this is like, one of my core tenets. And it's one of your core tenets, too. Not tenants. Nothing lives in this principle.

[B]

And I want to be very clear about that.

[A]

Legally, I actually have to say.

[B]

I have to say this. It's a squatters rights thing. I can't get into it.

[A]

That was very good. Your feet stones. Your feet stones today.

[B]

Your feet stones today. You know. You know, I. I am feet stones today.

[A]

You're very Feedstones today. Peeling feet Stones, Pete.

[B]

And feet Stones, Pete.

[A]

Stones and feedstones make it weird. And now it's time for Bird in the sky with a chopper report. He's just reporting on other traffic choppers. There's not a lot up here. It's really just us. Mistakes lead to fun, lead to laughs, lead to a good, good, good, good, good life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait. The moment we're close on John Goodson's face, he doesn't have a speech prepared because he didn't even know he was nominated. Because he wasn't.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He wasn't.

[B]

He wasn't. No one even told him this was gonna happen.

[A]

No, no, no. And he went out.

[B]

The possibility.

[A]

He's confused when he's leaving his seat, but by the time he gets to the stage, it dawns on him, like, I have been waiting for this right.

[B]

To be recognized, like, thank you.

[A]

But then he's doing the speech, and he doesn't freeze up, but he realizes, like, you know, I can't remember every producer on that movie. It was. It was 20 years ago. Like, he's trying, and then a panic starts to just creep in, and we're close on him, and there's a twinkle in his eye, and John Goodman could do this in his sleep.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The moment he realizes that all he has to say is yabadoo. And then he does it. And everyone. The only reason for any panic in the performance is to make the release of the applause so much sweeter. Yabba dabba doo. And then, of course, we cut to the audience and cartoon Fred Flintstone is there. He's there and he's crying.

[B]

He got a single tear, and he's.

[A]

Next to that small alien with the huge head that hovers in the Hannibal.

[B]

Brava in the Hannah Brow.

[A]

Hannah Barra.

[B]

Hannah B. Hannah Babell.

[A]

Hannah Baba. Hannah Barbera. Hannah Barra.

[B]

I wish I want to savor this moment where I. I have no guess.

[A]

As what Hannah Barbera is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hannah Barbera is. You're. You're 10 years younger than I am. You always will be, and I always have been is unless I die and you live another 10. Then you'll catch up to me and you'll be like, I've done it.

[B]

And I'll go to your grave and.

[A]

I'll say, who is the only one?

[B]

I get it. Hannah Barber.

[A]

You are Feedstones. You kick over my headstone.

[B]

Yeah, I finally get it.

[A]

And then we reveal there's a line of people behind you also waiting to kick over my headstone for different reasons. There's a Marc Maron animated. Like a severed head in a jar. You know, like it's a future. Like he had his body frozen, but he's got robot legs. He kicks it over. I was just trying to think of someone who' she doesn't like me. It was hard, but I found one. I'm just kidding.

[B]

It came pretty quickly.

[A]

Yeah, it came very quickly. Anyway. Feet, stones. What I was saying was. And that riff is just the sweetest little hors d'oeuvre. One of my tenants. None of them are paying rent. We could riff on that again, but we don't need to. So I was gonna say, what if it didn't exist? Like a simulation theory. Like, that would be like, a really good one. That would be. I think it would take. Yes, but I think it would take about 45 concentrated minutes. Like, it's all we're talking about for 45 minutes. I think I. You could turn me. That it never happened. And I would be like. And then maybe if you threw me. Like they started to make it, right. Like in the way they started to make the Nicholas Cage Superman. Like there were pictures of it, but, like, it never came out. I would be like, I think I saw it. And you'd be like, you didn't.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's a false memory. I'd give it up pretty fast. Like Picard with the three lights.

[B]

I could. I'm trying to think of what I would feel that way about. Definitely not the Flintstones.

[A]

Because you were 10 years younger and it was.

[B]

And I was obsessed with it. And I like, asked for Bam Bam hair every day, which was like a high ponytail. I know. I like, know the woman's face who feel.

[A]

I know yours.

[B]

Who plays Wilma. Okay, so. Well, that. And this is about to maybe blow some of your minds. That when we watch Strangers, Stranger Things, I was like 11. Looks a hundred percent like the actress who plays Wilma. And she does, and she does. And I've done a side by side. It's deep in my Instagram art.

[A]

Millie BB Millie BB Millie B. I have a Millie BB Millie BB Gun Millie B. Brown. Millie B. Millie Bobby Brown. Oh, moving things with your mind. Getting the nosebleed. Eggo waffles. Wait, it was Robin Williams and Maya.

[B]

Rudolph and I was doing Whitney Hughes. Oh, yeah, I see.

[A]

I see. Bobby Brown. Millie Bob.

[B]

Millie Bobby Brown.

[A]

Millie Bobby Brown. Millie Bobby Brie. Okay, all right.

[B]

Rein it in.

[A]

I'll rein it in. Finally and forever. And then it'll be done. I, of course, abandoned the bit I wanted to say it's one of my core beliefs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I started to say, what if it didn't exist? You said won the Oscar, full stop. Drop that tray of cosmopolitans, girl. Because you just got called over to another table.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And guess what?

[B]

I'm going to bring it back up and we're going to talk about it for 50.

[A]

You're going to go back to those cosmopolitans and while you're cleaning them up, be like, I was bringing these to table mine. Hannah Barbera is. No, Hannah Barbera is the production company that made like the Jetsons made Flintstones. It was that weird. It was like what I call this. It's not what I call, but what I will call the cigarette era of cartoons. Where you're like, everyone that made this was smoking.

[B]

Smoking a cigarette in a writer's room.

[A]

And everyone performing it was smoking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they showed it on like a. They screened it and everyone was smoking and laughing. And then the kids watched it. And it's all these like grown up jokes where it's like all this in tax season two, says a pterodactyl that's like eating your feces.

[B]

Okay, what is.

[A]

And it's April 15th. Like, who is this for?

[B]

Oh my God, you're so right.

[A]

That's cigarette cartoons.

[B]

All this in taxes.

[A]

This and taxes too. And my W9s need to be redoed. I don't know. Oh, and you're at the DMV and there's just a woolly mammoth. That's like you filled out the wrong form, Fred. And I'm like, who is this for?

[B]

Well, yeah. The middle class.

[A]

Not the middle class that.

[B]

Doesn't grown ups exist anymore.

[A]

Oh, I see what you're saying.

[B]

But the middle class used to be like a proper majority and it was just like people who were working and that's interesting.

[A]

I don't know if you're. I was making the point that it's just too grown. I think it is still relate to paying taxes and having to go to the dmv.

[B]

Oh, I just don't. I'm just kidding. I do.

[A]

I've been actually just went to the dmv.

[B]

I know. And I'm doing like a million bureaucratic bullshit passport passports.

[A]

Which. Which springtime and doing that sort of stuff. I'm a lucky duck because my birthday is this month.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's when I have to renew my license.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's in spring.

[B]

I know.

[A]

If I had to renew my license in the dead of winter, I'd be Like, looks like I'm flying on the seat of my pants. Catch me if you can. Every cop is T hanks and I'm Leah with no license. I'd like to say that I would just do it, but I would hate it.

[B]

Yeah. Around the beginning of March.

[A]

The Ides of March.

[B]

Yep. You and I.

[A]

The middle of March. What?

[B]

What? What? Yeah, what is the middle of March? But what does ides mean?

[A]

It's a good time to kill Caesar. I don't know what it means, but it's when they killed Caesar in.

[B]

In the Ides of March. But. But I.

[A]

Well, they tell them, beware the Ides of March.

[B]

Okay, but maybe I'm being embarrassed.

[A]

You're not embarrassed. No, because I. It's March 15th. It's the ides of March is the day in the ancient Roman calendar, falls on March 15 and is associated with misfortune and doom. And in the play Julius Caesar, it's when Caesar. Is it the play Julius Caesar, but it's when Caesar is killed. And ETU Brute, which is actually the cologne I wear, et Brute. The smell of betrayal. If you're going to kill your former boss and lord and friend, smell good while you do it. Et tu Brute? This episode gets an Emmy.

[B]

This episode a retroactive Academy Award.

[A]

Yes. After John Goodman, they bring us up for this episode, and it's playing the whole thing, and everyone sits in silence. They just sit there for 30 minutes. That I can do. Callback.

[B]

Nice call back.

[A]

Okay, where were we? The Ides of March is March 15th.

[B]

Oh, just that both, like, it's like as soon as it felt like almost as soon as it turned into March, we went from being just a couple humpha dumps with blankets all on us, and we, like, threw our blankets off and we both felt like we had.

[A]

Our mojo back, which someone has to have done it. Some of our true weirdos over on. Is it Discord? Yeah, the you made it weirdos. I'm sure maybe one of the you made it weirdos, knowing how thorough and lovely they are, did do that comparison. We're always wanting to know. Like, yeah, is it every March?

[B]

Is it every March? And I.

[A]

Was it March that I bought those? Tony Robbins massive action plan Life.

[B]

You guys. Was it you guys.

[A]

Wait, I can look that up.

[B]

Yeah, I can look that up. My sweet baby listeners. Was it. Do you remember Pete's Tony Robbins phase?

[A]

RPM planner?

[B]

Do you remember Pete's Course in Miracles phase?

[A]

Of course. Tony Robbins products.

[B]

Do you remember.

[A]

Where's the confirmation? Did I use my other Email.

[B]

Yeah. Those planners are horrible. Well, they're just.

[A]

I never used them.

[B]

They're just not your. Yeah, I could have just told you how this was gonna go.

[A]

Okay. International order receipt. Okay, I ordered them. RPM Life Planner times three.

[B]

Three of these.

[A]

Guess how much. $117. For three planners. Congratulations on taking this important step.

[B]

Look at the date. You have to go up to look at the date.

[A]

Okay. I'm very excited. February 26th.

[B]

That's basically March, baby. That's two days from March.

[A]

My deck is in the cake, but I'm eating the cake, and I'm like, my dick is in this cake. And then you wake up.

[B]

Oh, my God. That is amazing.

[A]

Every March.

[B]

It's every spring. You know what? I don't know. You know, I. I like to. I like to do all of this with. For fun, but it is. I mean, that's still technically Pisces season. But you're a Pisces. I'm a Pisces, but I'm. But you're an Aries, and I'm an Aries rising, and March is. Most of March is Aries season.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

And our friend Jen brought that up because I was like, pete and I are just, like, rolling with the homies, dude.

[A]

Rolling in the deep.

[B]

And she was like, yeah, it's Aries season, and you're in Aries rising, and he's an Aries. And I was like, ah, right. And Aries is very ambitious.

[A]

That's the main trait. Right. We saw a friend of ours, and I gave him. I wasn't. I haven't talked to somebody like that in a long time, but I was reading him the riot, basically.

[B]

Poor, poor John.

[A]

Yeah, you can say his first name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lisa. S. No, that's too obvious. L. Simpson.

[B]

Very good. I remember.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but it's been a while since. Well, I get triggered when somebody is. I was gonna say being an idiot because I'm in a. Aries Rising, I guess.

[B]

Yes. Well, that is the other trait of Aries is that not being an idiot.

[A]

I just mean I don't like when people are in relationships that are bad for them and. And that are hurting them and. And I'm particularly triggered by people that are, like, trying to be good people that can't see that their goodness is just postponing pain. It's like, just have the pain of the breakup now.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Deal with it now. You're not being. And this doesn't even really apply to John, but, like, you're not really making. You're just getting a hundred thousand little cuts instead of just one manageable slice that's like, hey, this relationship isn't working. And everybody's over there being a goody. A goody good. And I'm like, fuck that shit. It's not actually good. It's not actually good. And in the weirdest way. And I do have to. I'm going to check myself in the rarest case here before I've wrecked myself. I do think there's something to be said that's really beautiful about decisive for men and women, but powerful. Knowing your truth, speaking up for yourself and fighting for it. And that's. That's certainly the. The place I'm in right now.

[B]

Well, you and I do have this in common. Where something that we. We've talked about this on the podcast. Probably a mill at this point. But we are very stubborn about people who are drawing out their suffering.

[A]

Can't.

[B]

Like, we're both just sort of like, I get it, we have to suffer, but let's just make it quick and get to the other side and go.

[A]

For it straight off. Straight off.

[B]

And something you and I would. Neither of us would ever do, really. I mean, maybe it's hard to say. And I know that this is. Comes with the caveat of some people do this and it works out, but it. Neither one of us has a lot of patience for like the breaking up and getting back together thing because both of us have very, very much are like, you did it. You broke up. It was so hard. Why would you go through that again?

[A]

Here's the image that came up with zero effort. We're at the zoo. I'm in the cage. There's a zookeeper giving a tour of the cage. There's a small group. Don't say who's Asian and who's not. There's just a group.

[B]

Okay. That one was supposed to stay inside your brain. Keep going.

[A]

Just saying, you go to the zoo, you're going to see some Asian families. It's just a fun observation. Anyway, they're there. What were you going to do? Feedstones. What we don't. You do it. That one can't be. Yes. Handed.

[B]

No.

[A]

It can't be. Yes. And you leave it in the gift shop.

[B]

I already said do much with. They're very.

[A]

They're very you. We don't know what you were going to say. It doesn't matter.

[B]

But it was positive.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

Oh, no. I'm sweating. But under just one armpit.

[A]

I know that. The shame pit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're in the pit of shame. Always tells when people say the pit of shame, they actually mean the armpit. Anyway, so I'm pacing back and forth. I'm the animal in the cage, and families of different races are watching. Look, play this for me on my deathbed. Play this episode for me on my deathbed while I'm ripped on morphine. It'll be a glorious death.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay. I'm pacing back and forth, and the zookeeper says. Somebody says, is he okay? Because I look agitated. I'm pacing back and forth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. And she goes, yeah, yeah. Somebody just said that they broke up with their girlfriend, but then they got back with them. Like, that is how you upset. Upset me. I know that whole riff. But we did. We wouldn't have had that sweet laugh in the middle.

[B]

You got that?

[A]

That's how we got there. I'm just saying. Nothing.

[B]

Couldn't wait to see what it had to do with a zoo.

[A]

Look, there's not a lot of things I'm actually gonna even ask, like, what are your paceable problems? Things that actually make you pace.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I've been in television shows where the director is like, maybe you could pace.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you're so upset you could pace. And I'm like, it always feels fake in the pilot of Crashing. I'm pacing, and it's because it looks, I guess. And I'm like, I've never paced in my life. That's not true. If you. If I'm standing and talking to someone about how they have an abusive. Like an emotionally abusive relationship.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They got out of it, and then they got back with them. You're gonna see some pacing.

[B]

Yeah. Picante. My mom used to get her up.

[A]

Did you think Get a rope was. We're gonna hang him. Right? That's what it is, is it?

[B]

That?

[A]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[B]

And that has to do with Pais Picante.

[A]

Well, the Pace Picante commercials ended with Get a rope.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. It meant, we're gonna kill this person.

[B]

Which was the one that was New.

[A]

York City Space Picante. I'm glad you stepped it out, because people don't know what we're talking about. Or some people do, and they're very excited. Some people don't. How. How many minutes would you have to talk to somebody to tell them that the Base Picante commercials never existed? That's a nonstarter. I'd be like, that is ridiculous.

[B]

I mean, New York City was quoted in my house so often.

[A]

Dude, it. Dude if you were going to tell me that fucking. Well, we've talked about this before. That Skype didn't swoop in and save us all when we needed video chat.

[B]

Never would have believed.

[A]

You wouldn't have believed it. Skype was there.

[B]

Where is that documentary? And maybe there is one, because I don't know all the documentaries.

[A]

And is it subsidiaries? Like, what government word that I don't understand got zoom. The pole position.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

Was it, I don't want to say tariffs.

[B]

And it wasn't even FaceTime. Like, even Apple didn't know. Like, quick, make it a meetings based thing. FaceTime, FaceTime and Skype.

[A]

FaceTime.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

Okay, number two, what were we saying?

[B]

Subsidiaries.

[A]

We were talking about pacing.

[B]

Oh, Pace. Picante.

[A]

Picante. Thank you. Wow, you're the feet stones today, baby. This will always be known as the feet Stones episode.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

If you told me that Pace. Picante. Salsa. Picante too is fun.

[B]

Picante.

[A]

They took salsa, which is already a fun word to say. And they're like, would you like to say picante first? You're like, yeah, I'd love to say paste. Picante. Salsa.

[B]

What does picante literally mean in.

[A]

I thought it meant like. That's a great. That's also.

[B]

While you look this up, I'm gonna tell the story of when we went to Mexico recently, like a couple years ago. I've been to go. I'm a Cali girl. I've been going to Mexico my whole life. On the menu it said chips or it said like tortillas, whatever, with sauce. And I was like, wait, where? This was in Mexico with sauce. And I said, what? What sauce is it? And he was like, it's like tomatoes, onions, jalapeno, cilantro, garlic, and they blend it all up. And I was, I realized I was asking him, what is salsa?

[A]

Yeah, what? Qual salsa. E seso salsa.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But what is sauce? That is really funny.

[B]

To him, just the whitest girl in America just went, what is salsa?

[A]

That is amazing. I feel like I didn't give it enough because I was too invested in looking at what? Picante. Please.

[B]

What does picante mean?

[A]

I feel like I should have known. It means spicy.

[B]

Oh, what's paste then?

[A]

Opace is the brand.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

And if it was a Spanish word, it would be passe. Picante. Salsa. And it would be salsa Picante. By the way, nobody's saying spicy salsa. Not like that.

[B]

But they're just saying paces. Spicy.

[A]

Yeah. Pace is spicy. In fact, you should say picante Salsa. Because it. Picante is not a thing. But they were like, no, it's called paste picante.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is paste spicy. You can't. It's like paste very. It's like, incorrect.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But if you would have told me that Pace Picante, which is so fun to say and was pretty good in the way that all of those. Jarred, unrefrigerated.

[B]

Yeah, look.

[A]

Salsas. If you're jarred, slash unrefrigerated.

[B]

It's a different.

[A]

It's another. I'm not even saying it's not good.

[B]

I like it warm. I do like it pop.

[A]

You open it, and sometimes you're trying to scoop into that jar, and it's really hard. Pace Picante might have gone the way of the dodo because you couldn't dip.

[B]

What is happening?

[A]

It wasn't wide mouth enough.

[B]

You have to pour it in a bowl.

[A]

You have to pour it in a bowl.

[B]

You have to pour it in a bowl.

[A]

The guy, Daniel Pace was like, that's the whole thing. It's worth pouring in a bowl.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's our brand. And Tostitas is like, we know you're eating this in your van.

[B]

Can I please tell you really quick that. And you maybe know this. You're gonna love teasing me for this. This is just exactly my childhood in the 90s.

[A]

Trashy.

[B]

Yep. Every.

[A]

Hold on, I'll put on my ascot.

[B]

This was a very fancy meaning. Whenever we had a party at our house, it was one of the foods that my mom made that was only for when we had company. We never had it just in our house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was most. Most often it made its appearance at our super bowl party. My mom would pour paste picante in a bowl.

[A]

You're salivating. You just did that thing that we do where we're like, I would never eat.

[B]

I would never eat this now, but.

[A]

I would never have the quesadillas from Chili's with the.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Sour cream. That's almost like a paste. It's like you could put wallpaper up with it, but it's never. It never turns into liquid.

[B]

Never.

[A]

It will be that. It will be that for eternity. Yeah. So you.

[B]

Yeah. So she just. She put paste, the conte in a bowl and grated just the hugest block of cheddar.

[A]

She made queso.

[B]

No, just grated it and stirred it. There was nothing melted about it.

[A]

It was just so close.

[B]

Huge. Like, huge shreds of just basic cheddar cheese in picante sauce.

[A]

I don't mean to tease Your mom picante sauce. But there is something very your mom about being so close to having it. But there's like a modesty.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I can't. This can't be heated. That's too ethnic or something. It's too far afield. Like, she's just. Look, I know I tease your mom in my mind for being, like, very Americana. Like, to me, she is. And that feels like the Americana version of queso. But it's like, just microwave it and you have yourself a fucking dope dish. But she's like, no, this is a Dukes of Hazzard House. We're going to just put the cheese in the cold salsa and then give it to the kids.

[B]

It's a cold dip. It is a freezing cold dip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's the thing too, about.

[A]

I'm the same way. I remember when they started heating sandwiches like Subway. And you'd be like, do you want it hot? And you're like, what do you think I'm bourgeoisie?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you calling me the oppressive class?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'll have it col. Remember, because I've made mistakes.

[B]

That's right. Quiznos. Whole thing was like, we'll make these. It's Subway, but for hot sandwiches. You're like, dare I?

[A]

Dare I? It's the same. Dare I? She held it. She looked at the microwave. Dare I? Your mom hasn't had a Quiznos. Your mom hasn't had a Quiz nose.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know if that's true, but yeah.

[A]

You think maybe a Quiznos. I'm just saying the Quiznos, the Quiznos spent millions to help Americans get over the hump of like, you can do it. You don't have to be in Spain to eat a hot ham sandwich.

[B]

I just went, you can do it. I literally just went through this again. We have a local deli here. It's a great deli. Beautiful deli.

[A]

Beautiful deli. Wonderful deli.

[B]

And I was getting carrots on there.

[A]

Something orange. Something beautiful and orange.

[B]

I get the spicy turkey sandwich on gluten free chifi. Delicious, delicious. Like shredded lettuce with like a spicy aioli that's like thin enough that it sort of makes like a coleslaw. You're getting combined.

[A]

You're getting yourself towards a meat sheet. With me, it is so eating his meat sheet.

[B]

And it. I mean, it's good cold. And I've been having it cold my whole time there. And they ask every time, they say, do you want it hot or cold? And I was I'm always, like, cold, cold, whatever. And then one day, I said, you know what? I'm gonna try it.

[A]

There's a million. There's a million things like this.

[B]

It is the most delicious food that's ever been created to.

[A]

Man, it's so good. I know what you mean. There's a million. I'm a fairly. Fairly. I'm a Chris Farley, like, when it comes to, like, standing up for myself. As I get older, it only gets weirder. Like, I'll just, like, this isn't good. You know, like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You have less social graces.

[A]

Yeah, well, I, you know, there's a good side of it, but, yes, it can sometimes come out as fewer social graces. I corrected you.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It can sometimes come out as fewer social graces.

[B]

Sometimes it is less.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But fewer times than you'd imagine. Hit it.

[B]

I'll never get that one. I don't even remember learning that in school.

[A]

We all learned it from the grocery store when they changed it to 12 items or fewer.

[B]

Did they?

[A]

Some of them, I'm pretty sure.

[B]

East Coast.

[A]

No, I'm pretty sure. Like, any. Any grocery store that has a personality. Whole Foods. We all know Whole Foods. Yeah, you can't. You can't go on a date with Whole Foods. I know Trader Joe's, though. That's a handy behind the parking lot.

[B]

Oh, oh, yeah. No Trader Joe's.

[A]

If it's marry, kill, I'm marrying Whole Foods.

[B]

Well, okay. Good luck with your goop lifestyle.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

Trader Joe's.

[A]

Who you marry Whole Foods.

[B]

No, you married.

[A]

I'm going to tell you. You married Trader Joe's.

[B]

You married. Trader Joe's is what I was trying to say.

[A]

And I'm going to say I'm open to fudgeing Whole Foods.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm going to kill Albertsons 100%.

[B]

We. We couldn't agree more on this.

[A]

And for those listening on the east coast, that Stop and Shop. For those of you listening in Northern California, that's.

[B]

That's Safeway.

[A]

Safeway.

[B]

For those of you listening in the South. In the south, that's Piggly Wiggly.

[A]

If you're listening in the Midwest, it's Jewel Osco.

[B]

Wow. I've never even heard of that one.

[A]

We did it.

[B]

We did it.

[A]

We did it. Did they used to call feet stones today?

[B]

Did they used to call Stop and Shop. Stop and Rob?

[A]

Oh, no. Why?

[B]

It just. It's just begging for it.

[A]

Stop and Rob. Stop and Shop. Stop and Shop is already a Great thing to say in a Boston accent. It's called stop and shop. And the other one was stop and shop in Hawaii. It's right on the tip of my dick. Stop and shop. Stop and shop.

[B]

Dunkin Donuts.

[A]

Dunkin Donuts. What's the other Boston grocery store? Oh, one of my family members is a manager there. Ah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna get your brother on the phone immediately.

[A]

Boston.

[B]

Who's yelling at their radio right now?

[A]

A lot of you.

[B]

Guess what?

[A]

Stymarket. Star Market.

[B]

Star Market.

[A]

Stymark it.

[B]

That's a fantastic thing to say in a British. British.

[A]

In a British Boston accent. No, Stop and shop was already great, but then they're like, star Market. Oh, yeah. Star Market.

[B]

Stop and shop. Star Market.

[A]

That's so Boston and so fun. That's what Jon Hamm says in the town. He goes, you boys didn't roll over a Star Market for a box of quarters.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Cordes is also the best word. You're doing it great. I'm not. I'm just saying it.

[B]

No, I really wanted. I wanted feedback.

[A]

Yeah, give me two quarters.

[B]

Give me two quarters.

[A]

Two quarters for four dimes? What is that, $0.10 difference? Some guy yelling, give me a dime. All right, we're gonna go to the mid rolls. This is the best episode of our lives. We're so glad you're here. And we'll be right back. Thanks for listening to these ads. It keeps the lights on. And try one of them. Try one of them.

[B]

Do it. E friend.

[A]

You guys probably see me all over the Internet talking about modern mammals, but it's real. It's absolutely real. In fact, I was just shooting something this week, and my hair needed to look perfect. And what I used to do in the past was I wouldn't wash it. I wouldn't wash it for three, four days. And that's how I got my hair to have that hold and that flow and look correct and not poofy and fluffed out, which is what shampoo does. But turns out modern mammals is a different kind of shampoo that cleans your hair but makes it look like you didn't wash it. With shampoo, it's clean, it's manageable, it holds, it's got a flow, it looks perfect. It's almost like you don't even have to put in product afterwards. It's like it has enough natural oil retained through the washing process to make it look like, you know, when you just got back from the beach and your hair kind of looks perfect because you were swimming it's like that and it's on demand. It's fantastic. It lasts forever. Get yourself the bottle, which is a traditional shampoo feel, or the bar, which is a ph balanced plastic free version. Both are fantastic and you can try both for 44 bucks. That's a special deal. Go to modern mammals.com weird and get that special combo deal and try both the bar and the bottle for 44 bucks. Like I said, that will last you a really, really long time because you don't even have to use it every day. Just when you want your hair clean, wash it like this. Looks perfect in about 30 seconds. That's modern mammals.com weird. Absolute game changer. Also, I'm wearing my Apollo right here. My Apollo Neuro is a wearable piece of tech that I wear on the inside of my wrist. This is a true story. Last week my daughter Leela took it off my wrist. I'm always wearing it. She put it on, she was playing little Dada and she ran away. Then she lost it. She didn't know where it was. And I spent a day and a half without my Apollo. And guys, I couldn't believe how much I've come to rely on my Apollo. It vibrates directly into your nervous system, sending soothing, calming messages, basically in the language that your body speaks to calm down, to regulate, giving you the sense of being held. The first thing I noticed was my sleep was dramatically worsened. It was harder to fall asleep and I was waking up way more. Because when you put the Apollo on the sleep setting, not only does it lull you to sleep by establishing a vibration rhythm on your body and then gradually slowing it down, lulling you into serenity. It also automatically reruns at the moment in your sleep cycle when you're most likely to wake up and stops you from waking up. If it only did that, I would be telling you that the Apollo is incredible. But it can also help you wake up, feel social, feel clear and focused, rebuild, recover calm, unwind, good night. There's even a joy setting. If you don't like it on the inside of your wrist, you can wear it on your ankle. It was developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified psychiatrist who have been studying the impacts of stress in humans for 15 years. This is not a mood ring, it's not a crystal. Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive performance and recovery have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. It's amazing. Give it a try. You get 40 bucks off and support the show. Go to ApolloNeuro.com weird. Use promo code weird. That's a P O L L O N E D U-R O.com weird for 40 bucks off. All right, back to the show. All right, we are back.

[B]

You're going to love this gag.

[A]

You have a gag?

[B]

I'm just. I'm blowing up a whoopie.

[A]

Can I say.

[B]

But I just think it's so funny to blow up a whoopee cushion and say, you're going to love this gag.

[A]

Come here. Don't you hate when someone's ramping up with a big setup? Something that. You know what it is? Like an old guy's like, check this out. Oh, yeah, check this out. And you're like, I know. What a whoop. Yeah, I know what this is.

[B]

He's. He's out of sink, filling a flower pin. Check this out. You're gonna love this gag. You're gonna love it.

[A]

I'm gonna say that the hand buzzer. The hand buzzer gag is up there with Drop Dead Fred, the movie as things that disappointed me as a child 100%. Can anyone?

[B]

No. But it's also the same class of thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

[B]

It's trash. And that's a different kind of trash than. I was. Like a handshake, cheesy picante trash.

[A]

No, no. I love the kind of trash you were. You were. We don't need a pool. We have a sprinkler. That was you guys.

[B]

I.

[A]

And by the way, we didn't have a pool. Please don't think I'm that snobby. I'm just saying, like, you guys were running through the sprinkler.

[B]

We were running through the sprinklers. I had a friend who, granted, her mother was very young. Like, had her when she was, like, 16. But, like, she was. When we were 8, 9, 10. She was watching, like, Pet Cemetery and Chucky.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's a different kind of thing.

[A]

These are the. That are buying the fake puke. Fake dog do. This is a different kind of. It's. What kind of trashy is it? It's a new level of trashy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You weren't even trashy compared to that. Trashy.

[B]

No.

[A]

You were just fun.

[B]

We were just genuinely poor.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate to say that because I don't want to think we're just making fun of poor. Yeah, yeah. Trashy is a different thing when it comes to, like, the. The fly in the ice cube, by the way. I loved all of those things because I thought they would all get laughs. None of them get laughs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

None of them get what you want them to be. Nobody goes, is that a fly in my ice cube? That's what we think is going to happen. Someone's going to faint. I'm also going to say I was very excited to say this on the classic whoopee cushion. I'm looking at her right now, and you guys don't know. You know this, but you do. There is a woman. She's a heavier woman. I say that as a compliment because of where this is going. She's wearing, like, a backless dress, and she's sitting on a chair, and there's, like, a man in a bow tie who clearly put the whoopee cushion on that chair. And he's kind of leaning into the frame. It says poo, which is really funny because it doesn't. It goes poot. It says poo. Poo. Poo. Poo.

[B]

Poo.

[A]

And she's sitting down. There's like a framed. Like an ornate framed painting on the wall, and she's wearing, like, a pearl necklace. He's wearing a tuxedo. So this is like, oh, it says poo. Poo. There's two poos. I see. And there's, like. It seems to be. Is that a dog? I think there's even a dog there to be like, you're even beneath me. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, it does look like a dog.

[A]

The dog is like, this woman doesn't even know to go outside, like, so he makes it worse. There's a dog.

[B]

They're doing it to the woman.

[A]

You got to do it to the woman because the man parts. Everyone's like, charlie had a big dinner. It's got to be this proper woman. But what's funny is we have this John Mulaney type in the tuxedo leaning in to see if his gag landed. But what I love. I was gonna. It's. You probably know where I was going with this. I found this. And find this woman to be sexually attractive.

[B]

Let me see. I know you would.

[A]

She's. She's thick, she's smooth, and all I know about her is that she has a good sense of humor because she is the butt of the joke. There's even a dog. There's even a dog watching. This is something Trump would say at one of his rallies. You look at. You look at the whoopee, and there's a picture. There's a beautiful, soft woman. Like, he would. He would waste time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like I just did. If there's a man. He's like a John Mulaney type. He's coming in and he did it. You can tell he did it. But they don't do that anymore. You're not supposed to do a whoopi. Couldn't. What do they want us to call it? A gas release cushion? No, whoopee. It's a whoopee. Anyway, I find her attractive, and I want to be with her.

[B]

Wow. Pete.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, why are you shaming? No, I'm not.

[A]

Why are you shaving? I wanna just. She looks soft, and she has a good nature about her.

[B]

She does. She looks like she's up for the joke. And I do love that about you. I'm pointing to her chin here.

[A]

What about her chin?

[B]

Just that there's two of them.

[A]

Well, she has a little chit. Yeah, she does have a double chin. And she's also wearing kind of like a choker style. I do pearl necklace, which I guess I. Maybe I found erotic before I.

[B]

No, I get it. The dress. There's a little Betty Boop to this.

[A]

There's a Betty Poop to it.

[B]

Betty Poop.

[A]

And you can see the entirety of her smooth ass back.

[B]

Okay, our dog walker just got here, and I need to help her get setup.

[A]

All right, I'm going to keep talking about this. At the bottom, it says when anyone sits down, it emits a real Bronx cheer. Yeah, we don't need VAL for this. A real Bronx cheer. Who knew that Bronx cheer was a term for a fart? Also, it says real in all quote, in all quotes, in all caps. Real. But it's not real. That's the whole. That's the whole device in a nutshell. Is. It's not real. But they mean like a real. But they could say a hefty. I don't think real is the correct word there. I'm gonna find who made this. And then it says, do not inflate too heavily. All right. And it was made in Shantou, China. Okay, there's my short film. The guy in Shantou, China who is printing the whoopee cushions. Who falls in love with this. Robust is rotunda word that means soft. That's not a nice word, though, is it?

[B]

Probably not.

[A]

You couldn't say, like, she was rotund?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is that like. I get SNL and then they find this?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. Well, I feel bad that I was just like, Pete. Like, she. She's beautiful. All bodies are beautiful. I do think, in taking, like, weight out of it.

[A]

Well, she weighs nothing. She's two dimensional.

[B]

Yeah. I do think that in general, it's alarming because like you, it's been this slow sort of seep. Where you. We met, you were very clear. Like, one of the first things you told me was that, like, I don't.

[A]

Like where this is going, I'm afraid. What did I say?

[B]

That I had like a perfect body and that you. That I'm your type and that like all this, you're not this woman. Well, just let me.

[A]

By the way, this woman.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

This woman is beautiful. But the transitive property. If A. Your A equals B, A doesn't equal.

[B]

B. Yeah, no, no, I'm trying to. I'm not. I. And again, taking like weight out of it because I really. We both love.

[A]

But you have Red Goldstein, and I don't look like Brett Goldstein.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

So that would be great if I could go. Well, Val likes me and likes Brett Goldstein. I have the body of a guy who just finished playing tennis for an entire year. He never took a break.

[B]

No, he just doesn't like. Talk about pacing.

[A]

I don't. I don't know. I don't want to. I don't want to take.

[B]

Talk about a Pacer 15 love. It's not quite right, so.

[A]

But we can like different things.

[B]

That's true. I just. But what I'm trying to. I'm trying to make a bigger point. Which is. Which is that you like my. You gave me such like the. The self esteem boost of my life.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

Over our relationship, you still do. Where you're like you. I really believe that to you, I'm the most beautiful person you've ever seen.

[A]

Yeah. That's like saying to him his favorite book is whatever Tuesdays with Maury. Like, I.

[B]

But here's the thing. All of the people that I find beautiful, you're sort of like, nah. What? And everybody that you're like, hubba hubba. Am I right? I'm like, really?

[A]

That's really funny. But I'm not hubba hubba about anybody. Who am I, Hubba?

[B]

I won't say on air.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because it's on air.

[A]

Because it's just a person we know.

[B]

Yeah, but you are hubba hubba.

[A]

I see a difference between you and that person. But I think that person's a babe.

[B]

I love that. I love that about you.

[A]

What a shame.

[B]

I mean, I think she's. Yeah, I think you don't like.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes, I do. Oh, my God. Okay.

[A]

You look like that person.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. You're right. We can have different tastes.

[A]

I don't think you look like that person. I think you're sold in the same store as that person.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Different aisle.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You might be two aisles away from that person.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, you know, when it's just it to me, I. I didn't land it very well because it's a tricky topic. But there is something really funny about, like, no. If it was, my husband thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, but everyone else he's attracted to I think is like, again, yeah.

[A]

If it was 1985, you could just say this in one line and everyone would clap, including the heavy people. I'm saying heavy. There's no judgment there.

[B]

I'm not talking about weight anymore. I'm really not.

[A]

I'm not either.

[B]

And by the way, that I'm even judging anybody's look.

[A]

This is good. I would never have this conversation because you need to feel all the feels. Your right armpit is going nuts. I know when I say heavy, I don't mean any fucking liberals. Mean sick with a C. Fucking liberals eating each other to death. Jk, I just noticed that the reason she's high class. That makes it funnier.

[B]

Yeah, 100%.

[A]

That's why the tuxedo guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm sorry, but for most of human history, a bigger person farting was always funnier. I'm not saying it is.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm not saying it is. I'm saying that's the trope that this is going off of.

[B]

I know.

[A]

The sort of. I'm not gonna riff on this. I don't want anybody to feel bad.

[B]

I know. It would be very funny area.

[A]

It would be very funny. But keep in mind, this woman winds my clock.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Love it.

[A]

You know, I'm not the slimmest bean in the bag.

[B]

I know. And I like that. I like that about you. Yeah, well, you're. You're also my type.

[A]

Shantu China. Yeah. You're into me. And Brett Goldstein, who looks like my trainer, who's, like, had it with me. Okay. I can't get him. He won't. I hit the ball and he lets it go by. He has a hoagie. I can't do the information.

[B]

I don't think I've ever had a type. You and my ex husband look completely different. Like, I don't. I just. I can't. There's, like. There's no accountant for taste. Or is that. Did I Use that. Right. Like, you just never. I never know what's gonna make me feel attracted. And I'm attracted to very few people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if you stood them all side by side, you'd be like, there's no through line here.

[A]

That's true. And I didn't know that. I like, you're. I would consider you on the shorter side.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Oh, I'm a very short person. I'm five one.

[A]

Okay. When you're six. Six. Another compliment of me, lads. But when you're six six and in an area season of your life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everyone is just shorter than you. So I don't really bother compartmentalizing the regulars.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't see you and almost anyone else. I know. You're all just shorter than me.

[B]

I feel the same way about people who are taller than me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I know this is.

[A]

Why split hairs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm looking down at hairs. Why split them?

[B]

Yeah, I do. I notice sometimes when people are tall, but usually I'll notice it on the third meeting and I'll be like, wow, you're actually pretty tall. And then I think that's very attractive. But most everybody's taller than me, so.

[A]

Right. But my. I. I've been off pornographic material and been loving that. Well, that's actually something we haven't really talked about on this podcast. But anyway, blah, blah, blah. My favorite pornographic person, which I haven't talked about in a long time because it hasn't really been. I'm not saying this out of shame, it's just true. Hasn't really been a part of my life, but she was before I kind of liberated myself sexually and was just like, you can. You can just.

[B]

You can dance if you want to.

[A]

You can dance if you want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when I was, like, a naughty. Sexist. Naughty. And imagine being with somebody like this and all that sort of stuff. I think she's the exact same height as you.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Which is short.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also same. Is this too weird?

[B]

No, I think that's. I think that's very complimentary.

[A]

It is complementary, I guess. It's a little vulnerable for me.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But I would have. For the first 25 years of my life, I never would have thought that I would be a person that would just be casually having this conversation. And it means a lot to me.

[B]

Do you want me to share my funny porn story to be vulnerable with you?

[A]

FPS?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is your FPS about?

[B]

The massage therapist.

[A]

Oh, my God, yes. Please, Please do. I'm Gonna look up this person's height. Please don't look. I don't even want you to know her name. It's embarrassing.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Me.

[B]

I know her name. You've shown me pictures of her.

[A]

Okay, well, I don't like.

[B]

And I passed them on to the gunkers.

[A]

You did not.

[B]

Well, yeah, she's five'three about it. Five'three Yep. I do think she's lovely.

[A]

You don't have to say that.

[B]

No, I do.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

I think everybody's beautiful. And I'm sticking with that.

[A]

She is more of a model than a.

[B]

No. Gay. I really.

[A]

You hate 190 that.

[B]

I do.

[A]

I hate it too.

[B]

I hate it in the way that you hate it. It's not like I hate you for doing it.

[A]

I understand.

[B]

I hate it with you.

[A]

We hate it together.

[B]

That's right. So, okay, I have. We never talk about me in porn, really. But I also don't look at porn very often. I do use the Quinn app, which I've talked about. I enjoy audio eroticism, but most of the time I'm just using the good old imagination.

[A]

Love going off the dome.

[B]

Anything can happen.

[A]

And I. Oh, anything can happen. It's true.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were like.

[A]

No.

[B]

Really? Anything, really.

[A]

No, you're absolutely right. And sometimes you surprise yourself. You're like, what?

[B]

I know. And you're like, great imagination, Val.

[A]

Good job cinematography. Where you put the cam.

[B]

I'll really enjoy how much it feels like I let. Those people were really there in your mind.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because. Because you're conjuring them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's much more of. They're being conjured inside of you. It's very close.

[B]

It's very close.

[A]

As opposed to porn, which gets you there faster. But the food. It's just fast food. It's just.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's just gonna be less fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sex number one. Jacking it by yourself with your mind. Number two.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Porn number three.

[B]

Quin up number three.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

Porn number four. But it really was sort of this. I can't even remember. There was like. I don't have to give the justifications to you lovely people. You get it? But there was some lead up to why I was like, I think today I shall look at porn. And I did. And it was like, you know.

[A]

No, I'm. I'm. I'm actually pre. Laughing at the punchline. I think this is worth it.

[B]

I thought you were laughing at my.

[A]

No, no, no. I'm laughing at the punchline. Because this is a funny story or a funny moment.

[B]

Okay, now both pits are sweating. So I. I was looking at a massage. I. Like a massage turned naughty. Yes. And, you know, whatever. So this one was a male masseuse massaging a woman. And then things a monsieur escalate. And then by the time they're doing it, she says, like my. You know, in the heat of it, she says, my husband doesn't me like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he says, well, yeah. Who would do 15 minutes of foreplay?

[A]

He. He, He.

[B]

He says while he's inside of her. Well, yeah. Who would do four play 15 minutes of foreplay?

[A]

So even in the fantasy.

[B]

So even in a f. This is. This is such a good way to prove that porn is so the male gaze.

[A]

A little off the mic.

[B]

Sorry, I got heated. And you're doing great. That. That even while he is. It really was like, whose side are you on?

[A]

Yeah, whose side are you on?

[B]

It really. It really took me out of it.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Like, what are. What are you her husband?

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. Are you her husband's friend and he's sticking up for his friend?

[B]

Yeah. Are you his husband's lawyer?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He.

[A]

He can't be expected. It is a lawyer.

[B]

And it's also so funny. That's 15 minutes. 15 minutes of foreplay.

[A]

I know. Please, I understand.

[B]

I mean, I know that that feels long to a lot of people out there, but.

[A]

Do you mean me?

[B]

Do I mean you?

[A]

Do I mean you? I was gonna say. Oh, Even in the fantasy, he did it, but he wasn't enjoying it.

[B]

Yes, exactly. So it's instantly like he's pissed that he had to massage her for 15 minutes.

[A]

Your husband works. You think he has time to haul those leaves to the dump?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That's how he thought of it. Even though during the scene he was like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna love this. And as soon as it comes up in dialogue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He betrays his performance.

[B]

So mad that he had to do it.

[A]

I think he's gonna. But I also think that there's a chance that that guy wanted to just shine a light on that. Knowing men, he just wanted to be like, yeah, you think he's gonna do 15? Like, he's bragging. Oh, maybe 15 minutes of. Also, who's timing as soon as you bring a clock into it. And then she looks at the clock and she's like, wait, I. I happened to notice when we started making Love, it was 3:30.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it is 3:45 on the nose. Did you. Were you Looking at the clock. Were you trying to, like, break a record? Is this like a. Yeah, you were.

[B]

This is your normal thing. You do 15 minutes of foreplay.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, I thought that was funny and it, and it really was like, again, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with. I have, I don't have porn shame. But I was like, yeah, this is why I don't. This doesn't work for me a lot of the time.

[A]

I have a lot of. I have porn shame for sure.

[B]

I know you do.

[A]

I know you know. Yeah, I, I, I tried it for the longest time. The funniest thing I ever heard in a porno. It was one that my brother had on vhs and it was like a group sex scene. I probably talked about this on the pod. Yeah.

[B]

But I can't remember what it was exactly.

[A]

Well, there's a lot of people vying for attention. There's a lot of attention seeking people. They're in a movie and they're having sex. I mean, these people want some attention.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So how. I hope. Because they're getting it. Somebody, like, they're all kind of dirty talking. And one woman goes, oh, I love you, Val. You laugh so hard. That made me want to do it on stage again. Oh, I love you. It was a group.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's so funny. And like, I would say that person anything. Yeah.

[A]

And it'd be okay. It's a porno. But like, yeah, oh, I love you is such a weird choice.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

Oh, I love you.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You kind of say it in that voice to say, like, you don't mean it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If someone was like, I love you like that, I can't even do it sincerely. But if they were really quiet.

[B]

So funny.

[A]

Somebody has, like, a love fetish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like our intimacy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We should live together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to tell my parents about you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, real fast. I did stop. It's funny because I did j it today. I'll tell you why.

[B]

High five.

[A]

Hit it. Because it's spring break.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We just put Leela in front of Minions so we could have a little time to do this podcast. And the rest of the day is just awash with parenting. And I was like, I'm. I'm at my testosterone. No, it was again. I wish. Yeah, that would be so much help. Maybe, I don't know. I don't want to say. It's unhealthy. That's. I go, I'm angry. That's why I Masturbate.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Not. Not really. I mean, you do enjoy it, but you're also kind of like. I'm. Like, it will lower my testosterone and it will make me a little bit.

[B]

And I am, you know, I hear you.

[A]

I'm not saying it worked. I would. This podcast would have been great without it. In fact, that was the main point I wanted to make. Is going off of Jang it and porn for months now with a couple. I've said this before on this pod, but when I'm trying to abstain from both of those things, I end up doing them as often as I think is right for me, which is maybe like once a month kind of thing. Like, Jaying it more than porn has been more of a. No. Yeah, but like, I'm.

[B]

I'm. That seems incredibly. I thought you were gonna say seems.

[A]

Slow once a week. No, no, no. And I've noticed it's. I think it's because I'm. I'm turning 46 this month. I could have a lot to do with it. Maybe my sex drive is lowering. Doesn't seem that way in a ring.

[B]

But anyway, I gotta hope not who.

[A]

I'm gonna do sex on. You even.

[B]

Intercourse even.

[A]

You're the only person I would trust to do that bit during intercourse. Oh, I'm having sex with you, even.

[B]

And how do I become not that person?

[A]

Mystique.

[B]

Ah, yeah.

[A]

You need to build your mystique.

[B]

I need to talk less about sweating under one armpit.

[A]

No, never. But anyway, I have noticed that, like, instead of having the impulse, you're really horny and just going like, that's good. That's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You should go around. And I've talked about this before. I used to have a bit about it where I was like, when you stop j. In it and looking at porn. Maybe I said this on the pod recently, but it's like regular ass eroticism is back on the table. Like, a woman in a beautiful dress is just suddenly like, ho, ho. Yeah, it's like 1913, right? And I'm just like, humdingeraka. Like, I don't mean ogling or oogling or anything weird. I just mean like the preview for the musical Cats gets me halfway there. No, no, like the. The billboard for the musical Chicago with one leg in, like, a stocking.

[B]

And I'm like.

[A]

Like, I'm like. And it's super fun. So I've been doing that lately where it's like. No, it's life. It's. It's like energy and then I told my friend Bob about that, and he was like, yeah, that's a whole thing. It's called sperm retainers, sperm retention. And he was like, there's a whole community. There's a Reddit. There's people whose Instagram is all about the retain gang. Like, what's up, Retain gang. You have to kind of say in the Southern accent, because they're like. It's like a superpower if you keep that energy in you. And these guys, some of them are so extreme. They don't even when they're. They don't even when they're sex. They'll stop before sex, which I'm like. Because they're like, when you do it, the world just opens up to you. And I was like, I'm not going to go that far. But I am going to say shows anxiety. All of these things have been improved. But I am very like, we both have Oura ring. Like, I just got an aura ring. And I'm like, my sleep is not great. Like, I'm a pretty. I'm pretty jacked this time of year. And to not be jacking it while I'm jacked. Call me Jack.

[B]

Anyway, I think I've made my point.

[A]

I think I've made my point.

[B]

I was just thinking, I'm loving the Oura ring. And I was so. I'm feeling really relaxed and good today. I was so stressed the F out yesterday just because I had, like, to deal with this passport stuff and clean out our garage. That was enough to make me on high levels of stress all day. And I was like, is that adhd? I don't want to start getting into it, but, like, I can't bear it. I was trying with you, dude. I think maybe I shared this on the podcast last week. I don't know. I was just sitting at my computer. I had a long to do list of like, yeah, I did share this. Of like, sign Leela up for the summer camps and schedule a mammogram and reschedule Leila's dentist appointment. It was just stuff like that. And my heart rate was like 110. Hilarious because I was so. It just stressed. Those kinds of tasks stress me out.

[A]

Me too. Me too. We're two sensitive little babies, but I'm glad we're lit up. I'll. I'll say something funny. So I masturbated and I'm 40 years old. And afterwards my phone was like, activity detected. My ring thought I was swimming.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It was like, you just.

[B]

Parts of you were I was stroking.

[A]

It, that's for sure. I was doing.

[B]

I was doing a stroke.

[A]

I was doing a stroke. The hand stroke, unfortunately, the new tour, the PG13 tour. That's exactly the kind of joke I can't do.

[B]

Did you count the calories? Did you accept that? I would have accepted that activity. Count those calories.

[A]

I didn't accept it because it said I was doing it for 20 minutes. So I was like, this has to be that plus something else. Yeah, it said 17 minutes, 171 calories, 115 beats per minute. I'm just gonna hit. I'm just gonna hit confirm because I need the activity for today.

[B]

Yeah, I would count that 100%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But my, my activities keep.

[A]

By the way, I don't mind a sex joke, but like, that is a joke. If. If those are the kinds of jokes I'm losing. To be able to be like, it's the PG13 tour, that's fine.

[B]

I think that's great.

[A]

You've those jokes, right?

[B]

You've represented plenty.

[A]

Yeah. That's basically what the PG13 tour is like, the same thing. Basically. Just know there won't be a porn jerking it and jerking at jokes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, totally.

[A]

That's essentially it. Sorry, what were.

[B]

You got it. I. Oh, I was just gonna say how great would it be if the aura ring told you not just your stress, like when you were stressed that day, but every single emotion.

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

You and I would chanted, you and I would love. We would be obsessed with that.

[A]

Like, you felt a real mood.

[B]

You felt 35 minutes of ennui.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

You're like, when.

[A]

Well, I've been getting up early again and doing my reading and. And this morning I was reading my Rupert and loving it. And I was having one of the most dropped in just. Just a mousse cake moment where I was kind of thinking about my life and the things I had to do and honestly, the things that were stressing me out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I went, I like this. I like this life. I like this guy's problems.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like what this guy is worried about. I like all of it. And it was heaven.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, you know, maybe 20 minutes later, I wouldn't change it for the world, by the way. I'm not trying to have a more stable emotional life. It's. It's fun. I like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like this guy.

[B]

Let's just do it. Let's do the dang thing.

[A]

I like this guy's problems.

[B]

I've had that even I remember being stoned once, so it was just a good old American weed. And I had that exact experience where I was like, I get to be Valerie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, and then I was like, but what about her anxiety and how fearful and whatever. And I was like, cool, whatever. Sure, I'll take it.

[A]

That's exactly what it was. And I have, you know, a fairly high stack of concerns, you know.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's not easy being Pete.

[A]

Oh, that's very sweet of you to say in this moment. I'm like, yeah, it is. But there's times when Pete would fiercely disagree with you. No, they're just self deleting moments. I'll have like a 10 minute sort of window, maybe longer of like. You don't know what. Nobody knows what it's like to be me. It's too much. There's too much. But that's always and only if. If I'm deprived of just two days, eight hours total of just taking care of the things I have to take care of, and if you keep me away from that for too long, then I'll start to really freak out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But so when I feel it now, I try to just go like, okay, all you need is a day. And do you have it? Yeah, you can. You can Today or tomorrow. You can do it. But anyway, that was a weird note to end on, but we're at the end.

[B]

How about that note?

[A]

A heavier lady at a fancy party just cut the cheese.

[B]

That was my mouth, by the way. I would be mortified if anybody thought that was real.

[A]

I know. Nobody thought it was real. Okay, well, I've only ever loved every fucking second of this podcast. It was unbelievable.

[B]

That was really fun.

[A]

Thanks for doing it.

[B]

Yeah, thanks for doing it too. Yabba daba. Do keep it crispy.