We Made It Weird #215

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird #215 with Pete Holmes

Episode Information

• Title: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
• Episode: #215
• Release Date: April 25, 2025
• Hosts/Guests: Pete Holmes, Valerie Chaney, John Mulaney
• Description: Exploring the secret weirdness within everyone, Pete Holmes engages with comedians to uncover their unique quirks and insights.

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1. Episode Kickoff: Embracing the Musical Theme

The episode opens with a playful exchange between Valerie Chaney and John Mulaney about the episode's musical focus. Pete Holmes introduces a guitar-centric discussion, setting the stage for a lighthearted and engaging conversation.

• Pete Holmes [03:13]: "It's a music one. It's a music one."
• John Mulaney [03:20]: "This is news to me, too, everybody."

2. Acting and Character Dynamics: Jon Berenthal's Quirks

Valerie and John delve into their admiration for Jon Berenthal, highlighting his unique acting style where characters remain unfazed in high-stakes situations. This segment blends humor with insightful commentary on character development.

• Valerie Chaney [01:07]: "Jon Berenthal is a guy in a very high stakes situation being very casual about it."
• John Mulaney [01:40]: "He's figuring out things we didn't know we wanted."

3. Sardines and Tuna: Metaphors for Modern Life

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around sardines and tuna, using them as metaphors to discuss consumer culture, environmental concerns, and personal preferences. Their playful banter uncovers deeper reflections on societal norms and individual choices.

• Valerie Chaney [06:01]: "Sardines have the best PR of all the animals I care for."
• John Mulaney [07:15]: "They couldn't jump the gap. They couldn't."

4. Personal Relationships and Intimacy: Navigating Love and Connection

Valerie shares heartfelt anecdotes about her relationship with John, particularly focusing on the intimate moments and the dynamics that keep their bond strong. They explore themes of intimacy, communication, and the balance between humor and vulnerability.

• Valerie Chaney [19:20]: "Our relationship started pretty physical."
• John Mulaney [19:30]: "We never had a date where we weren't having sex after that."

5. Therapy and Self-Reflection: Letting Go and Moving Forward

The discussion shifts to personal growth and the impact of therapy on Valerie's life. She reflects on letting go of control and embracing non-resistance, tying these concepts into broader themes of mental health and self-improvement.

• Valerie Chaney [56:07]: "Let them. You can't control other people."
• John Mulaney [57:27]: "But it's a relief."

6. Cereal Preferences as Life Lessons: Fruity vs. Cocoa Pebbles

Valerie and John use their childhood cereal preferences as a metaphor for personality traits and life choices. This nostalgic segment humorously examines how seemingly trivial preferences can reflect deeper aspects of one's character.

• Valerie Chaney [41:10]: "If you preferred Fruity Pebbles to Cocoa Pebbles, you weren't hungry, you were thirsty."
• John Mulaney [42:18]: "Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes."

7. Humorous Interludes and Banter: Keeping It Light

Throughout the episode, Valerie and John engage in rapid-fire jokes and humorous exchanges, maintaining a lively and entertaining atmosphere. Their chemistry brings spontaneity and laughter, exemplifying the podcast's aim to explore weirdness through comedy.

• Pete Holmes [58:20]: "You boy. You're too small to be in first class."
• Valerie Chaney [60:58]: "If you've made it through this episode, you can make it through anything in your life."

8. Conclusion: Balancing Depth with Humor

As the episode wraps up, Valerie and John reflect on the balance between profound insights and comedic elements. They emphasize the importance of aligning personal passions with daily life, leaving listeners with a sense of encouragement and amusement.

• Valerie Chaney [47:19]: "Stand up really gives me permission to be."
• John Mulaney [61:18]: "Keep it crisp."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Valerie Chaney [01:07]: "Jon Berenthal is a guy in a very high stakes situation being very casual about it."
• Valerie Chaney [06:01]: "Sardines have the best PR of all the animals I care for."
• Valerie Chaney [19:20]: "Our relationship started pretty physical."
• Valerie Chaney [56:07]: "Let them. You can't control other people."
• Valerie Chaney [41:10]: "If you preferred Fruity Pebbles to Cocoa Pebbles, you weren't hungry, you were thirsty."

Insights and Conclusions

In this episode of You Made It Weird, Pete Holmes, along with Valerie Chaney and John Mulaney, navigates a blend of humor and deep personal reflections. The conversation seamlessly transitions between lighthearted jokes and meaningful discussions about relationships, personal growth, and societal observations. Through their engaging dialogue, they highlight the beauty of embracing one's quirks and the importance of finding balance between humor and introspection.

Listeners are treated to a rich tapestry of anecdotes and metaphors, from sardines representing societal norms to cereal choices symbolizing personal identity. The episode underscores the podcast's mission to explore the "weirdness" within everyone, offering both laughter and moments of genuine connection.

For those who haven't listened, this episode promises an entertaining and thought-provoking journey, showcasing the dynamic chemistry between Pete, Valerie, and John. Whether diving into the metaphorical significance of tuna or sharing intimate moments from their personal lives, the trio delivers a memorable and relatable experience.

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Note: This summary intentionally omits the advertisement segments to focus solely on the core content and meaningful discussions within the episode.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah. You made it with.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Valerie Chaney]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[John Mulaney]

What's happening, weirdos? I. I mean, okay, so here's the thing about this one. Pete is here, as is his guitar.

[Valerie Chaney]

So it's a guitar one.

[John Mulaney]

Just be warned about that. And no, I think it was a very fun. Pretty. Pretty good one. Pretty good looking pretty good. No.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can't believe I let you take the lead on this and you said it was pretty good.

[John Mulaney]

No, it was fantastic. It's a no deep thoughts kind of one. It's silly.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm gonna say then just my take. One of the best episodes we've ever done. It's so funny. I loved every second.

[John Mulaney]

I did, too. I was just balancing out the fact that you always say that.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's true.

[John Mulaney]

So that's true. But this one is no exception.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, can I make my observation? This isn't the episode about Jon Barenthal. Oh, yeah, he can't. I love John Barenthal.

[John Mulaney]

We love him.

[Valerie Chaney]

And every. We just saw the amateur, the movie that he has in it. And every character that gets written for Jon Berenthal is a guy in a very high stakes situation being very casual about it, and he's like, what? What are you talking about? You're looking at the exit. Where are you even going to get an exit? You going to walk over there and open the door? You're going to open the door and just run? Everybody's going to shoot. I can't do it.

[John Mulaney]

You did a great one.

[Valerie Chaney]

I couldn't do it.

[John Mulaney]

Now, earlier it was something about like, sure, I. I know a sniper's got a laser on my head, but I'm thinking about what pizza toppings I want.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's what it is. He's like, is there a sniper pointing a rifle in my head? Yeah, Chuck. Yeah, Chuck, there is. Well, what am I thinking about? Do I want stuffed crust? Do I want a ring of cheese around my pizza? Can we talk about that? And I love it. He figured out a thing that we didn't know we want.

[John Mulaney]

We want it, though.

[Valerie Chaney]

We want it in everything. Everything he does. He's so cool.

[John Mulaney]

Very cool.

[Valerie Chaney]

New pit.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, he's the new pit.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think it's very pit. Both he and Pitt do interesting acting.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Denzel Pitt. Barenthal.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't like calling him Pitt because Brad Pitt. Yeah. You have say Brad Pitt. I don't like Pittsburgh. I don't think it does him justice. I think he's way. I think he's such a Brad. You gotta call him Brad.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know if he's a John. Every time I say John Barenthal, I struggle.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, he looks like a John.

[Valerie Chaney]

Max.

[John Mulaney]

He looks like a Sean. So similar.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, this episode is great. It doesn't even need this bonus intro. That's funny. And it doesn't even need this. No ads up top. There's just a little break in the mid.

[John Mulaney]

We didn't even have to do an intro.

[Valerie Chaney]

We didn't even need to do an intro except to say, pretty sure, well, Austin already happened. When this episode comes out, Toronto is next. Hope to see y'all in Toronto.

[John Mulaney]

I'll be there.

[Valerie Chaney]

We got. We got fucking Boston. We got other stuff.

[John Mulaney]

Lots of stuff. Peteholmes.com.

[Valerie Chaney]

There it is. And enjoy this episode.

[John Mulaney]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a music one. It's a music one.

[John Mulaney]

This is news to me, too, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one where I have the guitar. Guitar, guitar, guitar.

[John Mulaney]

I thought I hid that thing.

[Pete Holmes]

You denied it well enough. It's a guitar one.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's gonna be mostly fun for me.

[Pete Holmes]

And you'll have to do what you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Can to find a little piece of happy for you. Cause I won.

[John Mulaney]

Okay, I'll be back in a minute.

[Valerie Chaney]

And you're leaving the room. You're really leaving me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I need, need you so bad. Bad, bad. Jimmy is a man who eats crackers. Cheryl eats tuna from the can. If Danny and Cheryl get together, they'll.

[Valerie Chaney]

Have tuna and crackers.

[Pete Holmes]

Man, this is the secret. Everybody's got crackers or tuna. Crackers or tuna. And if you got tuna, find some wool with crackers. And if you got crackers.

[John Mulaney]

I'm not gonna. Yes. And this. I'm gonna. No, stop it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Welcome to no Stop, no Stop, no Stop. No Agenda. This is filterless radio.

[John Mulaney]

I wish this was a video one because.

[Valerie Chaney]

What? My face.

[John Mulaney]

Jiggles like a bowl full of jelly?

[Valerie Chaney]

Is that a fat joke?

[John Mulaney]

No.

[Valerie Chaney]

You earn this. I'm trying. No, I'm just kidding.

[John Mulaney]

The same song. Just pick up crackers and tuna. Crackers and tuna.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Imagine how good it felt for me, though.

[John Mulaney]

Did you eat crackers? Like, if you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Can I tell you something?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

What are you going to say?

[John Mulaney]

I'm going to say, were you a tuna sandwich or a crackers and tuna type of person? Which tuna were you? Well, don't you dare say no tuna.

[Valerie Chaney]

No tuna. Tuna.

[John Mulaney]

I just said no tuna. Okay, what's happening?

[Valerie Chaney]

No comma Tuna. I think tuna has the best PR of all of the things that were animals.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's in a can, and it's somehow shaped like the can, and it's got, like. It kind of looks like the. The core of a tree. Like, there's rings, and it comes out perfect.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's cooked. And we all look the other way on the juice. We're like, of course there's juice. Like, that's not gross at all.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, you're right. And sardines.

[Valerie Chaney]

Sardines didn't do it.

[John Mulaney]

They didn't do it.

[Valerie Chaney]

They couldn't jump the gap.

[John Mulaney]

They couldn't.

[Valerie Chaney]

I love a sardine.

[John Mulaney]

I know you do.

[Valerie Chaney]

And. But you have to go like, oh, there's its spine. Like, why do I know how to be a sardines chiropractor? And why do I know how to be a sardines optometrist?

[John Mulaney]

Although sardines are.

[Valerie Chaney]

Look at those little eyes.

[John Mulaney]

They are having a rebranding moment. They're having a mechanissance.

[Valerie Chaney]

They're having a mechanissance for sure.

[John Mulaney]

Because.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because they're high pro.

[John Mulaney]

Well, and they're high.

[Valerie Chaney]

Omo.

[John Mulaney]

But we've just sort of decided that, like, it's cute to have, like, hats and pillows and merch with sardines on them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And the stores that sell, like, wooden candles and suspenders made out of, like, bootstrap leather. Yeah. It's just a bomb, but like, something where it's a hat that also can polish a shoe.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And like, a brush that's also a banjo pick.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And toothpicks that are also matchsticks.

[John Mulaney]

Just. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

You know what I'm saying?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

The Ampersand stores, as Valley Heat would say, the Ampersand stores also sell cans of tuna. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I was trying to do, like, a. Yeah, it didn't.

[John Mulaney]

It hurt, and I knew that you were trying to do it.

[Valerie Chaney]

It hurts so bad. That's terrible. Yeah, it's better on a bus. It's better on a bus. But, yeah, you're gonna get, like, a pocket knife that you'll never use, and you'll. The first time you fly with it, you'll be like, God damn it. That was $72, and it's gone in your dumb fucking beard with some sort of wax in it.

[John Mulaney]

It's still happening. Cause, like, that's classic hipster, you know, those stores, especially the stores for the men that were, like, all leather and, like, shaving kits.

[Valerie Chaney]

Shaving kits. I love these stores. I have none. No need for them.

[John Mulaney]

No. You're not that type of guy. But, like.

[Valerie Chaney]

But we know that guy.

[John Mulaney]

I know, But I'm wondering if it's now if that really exists still, because.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think it's fading out a little bit.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Because now we just walk in. There was a time when we walked into that store and, ooh, how artisanal. And now we just walk into that store and go like, this is the hipster est I've ever seen.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, yeah. It's. It's what, the 60s? There was a store that sold, like, Birkenstocks and lava lamps.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And people were walking posters. Wow.

[John Mulaney]

Finally, I feel seen.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. This is us.

[John Mulaney]

And then in the 70s, they're like.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, man, it's not the scene anymore. Where are your platform shoes? Hey, hey, hey. What a good three. I wrote you a song. By the time A Little Jailer Gone. And it's your favorite.

[John Mulaney]

Anyway, so it's.

[Valerie Chaney]

So funny to do that poorly and for no reason. And then you just. I just have to, like, go, well, and then we're back. Here's what I want to say. There's a couple things I want to say. Sardines. Sardines. Look, as a mostly veg. The sardine is the most slaughterable of the animals that I care for.

[John Mulaney]

Sure.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, I care the least about a sardine. I guess a tuna. When I was scuba diving.

[John Mulaney]

Hello, Brag.

[Valerie Chaney]

Flex. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that Flex Luthor here to kill ordinary man who's never been scuba diving in the Red Sea off of Dahab, Egypt? I'm sorry. Privilege alert. I was off of Dahab, where, coincidentally, we ate tuna pizza. That was like, an Egyptian. I know it sounds gross, but it's a tuna melt.

[John Mulaney]

I bet it's great.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's.

[John Mulaney]

I bet it's delicious.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's amazing. Do you remember the first time we did it and I said, I need you to lower your sexpectations?

[John Mulaney]

No, you didn't.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I didn't.

[John Mulaney]

That would have been amazing.

[Valerie Chaney]

I wish.

[John Mulaney]

Also, if you told me that you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Need to lower your sex. Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

I would have.

[Valerie Chaney]

You would have believed it for sure.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, that's definitely kind of the kind. That's the kind of thing, like, if.

[Valerie Chaney]

There was fan fiction, if someone was writing erotic. We made it weird fan fiction. I would say, I need you to lower your sexpectations. That would be the opening line.

[John Mulaney]

I almost want to share this story, but I don't know if it's too skin to bit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Which one?

[John Mulaney]

Jessica Rabbit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jessica Rabbit.

[John Mulaney]

Do you remember that?

[Valerie Chaney]

No.

[John Mulaney]

Should I tell it and then we'll edit it out if we.

[Valerie Chaney]

Go ahead.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. I don't think it's that bad. I mean, I don't think it's bad at all.

[Valerie Chaney]

What. What is this? I got a lot of tuna things lined up that I'm still gonna say, okay, well, I'm going to give you one of the tuna things because we're not going to forget Jessica Rabbit, but I might forget some of the tuna things. Ready?

[John Mulaney]

And would that be so bad? Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, some people are at home scratching off their scratchers.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, I'm sure people want to pause hearing an intimate story between the two of us that involves Jessica Rabbit to hear more about tuna.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, at least I'll close off one loop on my apple watch, which I don't own. More like Apple Shackles. Hot take jk, but I've never wanted a phone on my wrist. Are you not looking at your phone enough? Here, one on your wrist. You can see it while you're giving your kids a bath. Fuck you.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right. We were scuba diving, and we thought we saw sharks. And the sign for a shark. My instructor, who was, like, a dreamy South African who had, like, tribal. Back when that was cool, like, tribal tattoos over his entire shoulder and stuff. He was awesome. He's also, like, clearly furious all of the time. He was awesome like Jason Statham, basically, but wore, like, Sting. Little sting glasses and took us out for beers. He was the best.

[John Mulaney]

Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

I was just thinking about him because when you get your scuba license, like, some people can't equalize their ears. They can't, like, pinch and blow out their ears. And if you can't do that, you can't scuba dive. And the only woman in our group was me. My two knucklehead friends. Well, Kurt, who we love, and Aaron. And then not Aaron, not Aaron, who cares? And a woman who couldn't equalize her ears. We felt so bad for her. She was, like, on the verge of tears. It was awful.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, no.

[Valerie Chaney]

Hard to tell because we were already wet, but it looked like she was emotional. So we're in the deep of the. Of the Red Sea, and he does a fin on his head. He looks really excited. Statham's usually furious. And he does a fin on his head. And we turn and we see five sharks. Like, giant fuck off sharks, you know, a good 10 yards away. Like, they weren't in our space. And we were really excited because we were in our training, in our scuba training, we were like, Your perspective on sharks kind of shifts. You become someone who wants to see a shark. Just like when we went snorkeling with sharks.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Remember? Yeah. They're not going to hurt you. It's okay. And it's fun.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

We're like, oh my God, there's some sharks. And then he starts doing a can opener signal.

[John Mulaney]

No, he doesn't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Which meant. No, they're tuna. Wait, so this signal for tuna, the underwater like sign language. The like scuba sign language, like the.

[John Mulaney]

The like, the agreed up. The official like is opening a can of tuna.

[Valerie Chaney]

You do a can opener.

[John Mulaney]

But what you're doing again, this should be visual. Could be anything.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, it could be like I'm holding a dick and I'm twisting one of the testes.

[John Mulaney]

That's right. That's what I instantly went to.

[Valerie Chaney]

Hey, hey. What do you get? 3. I invented a move for you. You're not gonna like it, but it's almost through. But it's can opener. And then that's when I realized tuna. Holy. Like, look, this isn't vegan propaganda. I'll let you know when it is. But when you think of tuna being like, oh, I'm eating fish. Like you picture a fish like a. Like a. You're a tchotchke in a cracker barrel. There's like a. Like a copper stick figure man with a hat and he's got a fishing pole and there's a thing and he's got a fish. Like a fish. Yeah, it's not that. It's like a fucking giant person. It's a sea cow.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So there's three sea cows. And we thought they were sharks. And that's what a tuna is. That's why I'm saying they have the best pr. You take that and you erase all of it, all of its majesty, and you go, it's a. It's a hockey puck of protein. And you're like, thank you.

[John Mulaney]

That's true. And that's why it has a lot of mercury. Because the bigger the fish, the more mercury.

[Valerie Chaney]

That thing looks like mercury. It's like, go ahead and eat me. But the gods have cursed my flesh with something that will reap its revenge in a course of a few years.

[John Mulaney]

Like slow revenge, but revenge nonetheless.

[Valerie Chaney]

We'll see who wins this round. Salmon too. Salmon are kings. They're lions of the ocean.

[John Mulaney]

Sardines are good for you because they're too small to have merc.

[Valerie Chaney]

Too small? No merc. If you're going to eat seafood. And I, you know, I'm going to say something anti vegan. I hope you are eating some seafood. Sustainable sardines are easy to get. And no Merc. Full skin, full bones. It's like.

[John Mulaney]

And cross stitch it on a pillow. Because that is in vogue.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's in vogue.

[John Mulaney]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Yeah. Not beard combs. No mo. So, Jessica Rabbit.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, Jessica Rabbit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Did something change? Oh, the heat must have gone off.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Because it feels quieter now.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, it feels like something shifted between us. But it was the heat.

[John Mulaney]

It did it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like it really does. It really does. Like, it feels like the magic is gone.

[John Mulaney]

We was what we thought was love for 12 years. Was the heat.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then a guy in a onesie comes out like a work coveralls. And he's like, hi, I'm Jim Gibbons. If you want to have a good relationship, you need an H Vac system. That doesn't turn off. I mean. Pardon.

[John Mulaney]

It does feel like the air sucked out of the room.

[Valerie Chaney]

Let's see if I can bring it back with some Bobby. Dude, H Vac stands for home vacuum and cleaner.

[John Mulaney]

Did you just come up with that? What?

[Valerie Chaney]

It does it. And I want to see your Woody Girl 3 wiener. Is this disrespectful because he died?

[John Mulaney]

Everybody, we're way past being disrespectful. This episode.

[Valerie Chaney]

And is living. Try and say something cryptic like Bob Dylan. You look for the door. But it turns out the key was for you. And was for me was everybody's knee. And my C and the G. And the nat is silent. And you just say nat. And that is all I have to say about it.

[John Mulaney]

You had a good start.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. It got worse. Can you. Oh, don't worry. That's. That's awful.

[John Mulaney]

That's awful.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's abuse.

[John Mulaney]

Ask someone to improvise. Bob Dylan.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's abuse. After I did it poorly and the minotaur found his foot in the sand.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, there was a phase where he was doing stuff like that.

[John Mulaney]

Oh yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And a hard boiled egg falls out of my hand. And the straw of my chair is now breaking my back.

[John Mulaney]

It's good.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's a tunnel with one way and no turning back. I mean, come on.

[John Mulaney]

It's very good.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a tunnel with one way and no turning back. See, that's why.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Improvising a song is way better than writing it. Because if you wrote it's a tunnel with one way, no turning back. You just cross that out in a big pen. Cross it out with a big pen.

[John Mulaney]

With a separate pen than what you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wrote it the crossing pen.

[John Mulaney]

The crossing out pen.

[Valerie Chaney]

Hand me that crossing out pen. All right, go ahead.

[John Mulaney]

When we were newly boning.

[Valerie Chaney]

Dating.

[John Mulaney]

Well, dating came a little later.

[Valerie Chaney]

You mean the first night we met?

[John Mulaney]

No, I just mean, like, maybe the second time we were together.

[Valerie Chaney]

I thought we were dating.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean. Yeah, I understand.

[John Mulaney]

We were dating.

[Valerie Chaney]

Our relationship. The first. Yeah. We started, we met, we hit it off. Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

Let's put it this way. We never had a date where we weren't having sex after that.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, it was.

[John Mulaney]

It was.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, that's what's one of the underreported wonders of our relationship. Yeah, it started pretty physical.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And that for a pretty fudgeing cardigan wearing Mr. Rogers hambone square.

[John Mulaney]

Mm.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's good.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because I don't need any help on, like, closeness or intimacy or friendship. Like sharing my life.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Sharing interest. Talking, watching, walking, fucking. No, I'm just saying, like, it's good that we started kind of in, like, a little bit. I will not be tonight. That's him talking to Tilda Swinton. I don't know why she showed up. No, I don't want sex with an alien. Oh, she's a pretty.

[John Mulaney]

It's a great impression. The only John Malkovich impression I can do is if I say D'Artagnan.

[Valerie Chaney]

D'Artagnan.

[John Mulaney]

That's really.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I feel like mine's is off today. You like it?

[John Mulaney]

I like it.

[Valerie Chaney]

I was going to ask Jeff Bridges what he thought. I. I know John. John's a friend. It's bad.

[John Mulaney]

It's the same shape. You make the same shape with your mouth as for your dad. And it's like somebody pointed out. Am I wrong to assume that it's a twisted tongue?

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a twisted tongue. My brother Bo, when we were doing Big Lebowski, I never learned my line.

[John Mulaney]

It's like making your tongue take up more space than it usually does.

[Valerie Chaney]

Tila, I watched the Big Lebowski. Oh, you watched that callback.

[John Mulaney]

Call back to lots of.

[Valerie Chaney]

By the way. We recorded that episode, like, two days ago.

[John Mulaney]

That's why we're real sloppy mollies about this one.

[Valerie Chaney]

I feel like we've. I've done a lot of processing, but we'll talk about that in the part two, which won't be as fun. Jk. So when we were newly boning.

[John Mulaney]

Okay, let me establish by saying you are. You have a bit.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm worried that you. What is this?

[John Mulaney]

I know. And we can edit it out, turn.

[Valerie Chaney]

The heat back on.

[John Mulaney]

I don't think it's gonna be that big?

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't think so. I'm gonna say this right now.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I vow to not edit it out.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, I'm in.

[John Mulaney]

Okay. Me too. Let's go. It's not a big deal.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[John Mulaney]

It's really not a big deal.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[John Mulaney]

The only thing that might be an overshare is that you would say something like this during sex, but you have a bit about the funny things that.

[Valerie Chaney]

You lower your sexpectations.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. You're kind of like a little bit of a funny dork when around sex.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And we don't have to unpack it, but it's probably because I'm like, this is so adult. Like, we should, like, lighten this up a little bit.

[John Mulaney]

So we had talked at, like, dinner about, like, you were saying, you at some point said that I was Jessica Rabbit and you were Roger Rabbit. Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I like this. It's a close shave.

[John Mulaney]

Uhhuh.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jessica Rabbit.

[John Mulaney]

I. Well, that's the highest compliment because everybody is at the most turned on about her.

[Valerie Chaney]

My brother, I probably. You've probably brought this up before my brother, we went to, like, Disneyland or something. Disney World. Please. World. And there was, like, a. Believe it or not, it was a huge deal. Long line to get your picture taken with, like, Roger Rabbit. Like, you'd get your picture taken. I was just sitting on a stool holding a steering wheel. Then that superimpose the taxi cab. I've probably told this story before, and I wanted the one where you're standing and Jessica Rabbit is pressing her boobs up against you. That was the choice. Like, she's standing so close, her boobs are shelved on you.

[John Mulaney]

Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

I wanted that, obviously.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Obviously. And my brother, two years older than me still is. He did do it. He did the Jessica Rabbit one. But he wouldn't stand on his mark. Like, he knew. So in the photo, he's standing, and she's like, you know, she's not really there, but she appears.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, wait, she's not really there.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know if you know this.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, the real actress that plays Jessica Ra.

[Valerie Chaney]

Not there.

[John Mulaney]

Not there. Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

But Jessica Rabbit is standing like a good. Like, leaving room for the holy spirit, like a good. Like an arms length away. And her boobs are just elevated in the air where they would be shelved on his chest. But he was too shy to do it.

[John Mulaney]

Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

So he did it, but he didn't quite do it. And I went with the wacky. I'm in the car and Roger Rabbit. I Went with the Roger one.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, that's true. I mean, that checks out.

[Valerie Chaney]

It does check out. Go ahead.

[John Mulaney]

So anyway, and then later, when we were in. In the act of coitus.

[Valerie Chaney]

I just want to go home for some coitus, man. What's the big deal?

[John Mulaney]

Coitus.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm the old man, man. Dirty old man. On fx, on F U X.

[John Mulaney]

You said jessica Rabbit while we were doing it. While we were doing it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

And I thought. And I couldn't. Didn't hear you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And I. Oh, boy.

[John Mulaney]

And I thought you said, just like Grandma. And then I knew that couldn't be right, so I said, what? And then you said it again. Just grab it. And I thought you said, just grab it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Can we.

[John Mulaney]

And so I.

[Valerie Chaney]

For a second. You're going too fast. At first, you thought I. I saw your naked body and said, just like Grandma.

[John Mulaney]

But I knew it couldn't be that. But that is exactly what I heard.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wow. Just like Grandma.

[John Mulaney]

Just like Grandma. And I was still getting to know you, so I didn't know if this was, like, a kink.

[Valerie Chaney]

How about just like Grandma used to make? Like, you looked like an oatmeal cookie.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Yeah. Or like, I just was like, I don't know. This guy's a comedian. Maybe he's, like, being funny.

[Valerie Chaney]

But it's probably the weirdest thing.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. It probably wasn't just like Grandma. So I was like, what? And then you said, just grab it. And then I didn't even say what for that one. I thought I heard it correctly.

[Valerie Chaney]

And you grabbed my wiener.

[John Mulaney]

I think I went to. And you went, no, Jessica Rabbit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jet. Now, I. It's the Mitch Hedberg bit. I mumble.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So now I'm. So People always ask me to repeat myself. And now you're just yelling some insignificant shit. That tree is far away.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Jessica Rabbit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jessica Rap. No, I mean, yeah. Cartoons and sexuality.

[John Mulaney]

I know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like Mad Magazine. I mean, it still kind of makes my blood thin in that way. That's like, send it to the Johnson.

[John Mulaney]

This is what. I was just talking to my girlfriends about this. We were like, like, it seems to be the things that turn our husbands on are the things that turned them on when they were 13.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I suppose so.

[John Mulaney]

Some of the early stuff, like a. Like, a specific type of 90s bikini is more sexy than like, a just naked body.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean. Get out of here. What is this? What is this love line? Yeah. You're making me blush. I'm blushing.

[John Mulaney]

I got a Kelly because you got.

[Valerie Chaney]

A bikini that you were like, it's my Kelly Kapowski bikini.

[John Mulaney]

Valerie, post a photo later.

[Valerie Chaney]

I will not.

[John Mulaney]

Yes, I will. You will watch me.

[Valerie Chaney]

What do you get through? What turned you on when you were 13? Was it Kelly Kabowski flicking her bean? Okay, come on.

[John Mulaney]

Never liked flicking or being. No, never.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, we don't like no bean. No, I'm sorry. Anyone can find a bean.

[John Mulaney]

Anyone could find.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, Bean.

[John Mulaney]

We're talking more like flicking a.

[Valerie Chaney]

A mouse's light switch. The light switch in the house of a mouse. Like, a mouse could go, no problem. I'll turn the light off. This. These big mitts are looking for that. How about flicking a mouse's light switch?

[John Mulaney]

Destroying the whole house looking for that switch.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Leaving it a mess.

[John Mulaney]

Terrible.

[Valerie Chaney]

This is sexual.

[John Mulaney]

Disgusting. Or amazing, depending on what mood you're in. All right, let's go to the mid rolls. I think you have a mid roll after that.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God. Got a jelly roll. I was at the Comedy Store, and jelly roll was there. And then I was like, I'm. We'll talk about this. I'm 46. I just turned 46. And the difference between 45 and 46 is Tony Stark. It's crazy. It's crazy.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I've started calling, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger, like, dingbat, Apple Bottom. Like, I.

[John Mulaney]

It's all his name.

[Valerie Chaney]

Somebody opened the airlock on my spaceship of files. Just got sucked out. And, like, it's fine. That's the good news is I don't care.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, you didn't need it in the first place.

[Valerie Chaney]

But, like, people will come up. People that have been on the podcast, and I'm trying to remember their name. And just like. Like, it's just airlock. I can't even remember what brought it up. What were we talking about?

[John Mulaney]

I'm still trying to remember what brought up Jessica Rabbit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just grab it.

[John Mulaney]

Just like grandma.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, the good news, if you hate the ads, I'm pretty sure there's very few ads on this episode. Yeah, on this episode, I think there's only. Yes, on this episode, there's only one ad. So there won't be ads up top. There's just these ads. Okay, so you got like 30 A.D. free men, so.

[John Mulaney]

But we'll make up with for it.

[Valerie Chaney]

By talking about how there's tons of ads. At least it's not revisionist issue, which I have enjoyed. Just has ads like this. T Mobile for business is the ultimate. And I'm like, I'm sorry, am I in a cab? Am I in a cab?

[John Mulaney]

Am I at the gas station watching the tv?

[Valerie Chaney]

Or worse, am glad. Am Gladwell.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

He'll just be like, I was traveling through Peru. And you're like, oh, it's the show. He's like, with my friend Mikhail. And one of the weird things about Peru is the roads aren't unpaved. They're paved with a type of sawdust known as chimichaw. And the chimichaw led us to an Airbnb. And you're like, fuck.

[John Mulaney]

Okay, this. Okay, here is here in lies.

[Valerie Chaney]

At least I'm saying, here are the ads.

[John Mulaney]

Well, this herein lies my previous point, last episode about Malcolm Gladwell. If you can't tell the difference between a commercial and an episode, the actual podcast, you might be listening to something boring.

[Valerie Chaney]

I love salty Val. It's like a limon salt.

[John Mulaney]

And I. And the thing is, is like, who. What a sweetie. He doesn't deserve this. See, this is what happens. This is why I'm not salty. Because then I instantly go to like.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, that's part of it.

[John Mulaney]

Person doesn't deserve it.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's part of it.

[John Mulaney]

That's part of being salty.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Yeah. Most of my day.

[John Mulaney]

Who are salty? You don't. You. It's not that you don't care. You just do it anyway.

[Valerie Chaney]

We can't. We can't stop. I was actually thinking about the influence because your family is visiting and certainly not Beth. Beth is incredibly strong willed and, you know, vocal about her feelings.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

But I was like, sometimes I think, like, we love her to death. Beth loved death. But, like, I'm like, I wonder. It was a nice feeling. So I hope you don't mind me saying, but I'm like, I think I've had a positive influence on the entire Chaney family.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

In the same way that Beth has.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Where you guys are a lot of hobbits and a lot of nines.

[John Mulaney]

My brother. My mother and I are like very sweet little hobbits.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. And then in came these outsiders.

[John Mulaney]

And we. My brother and I married. Spicy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. You were crackers and you married tunas.

[John Mulaney]

That's right. Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. I'm not doing that again. When. When we return. I don't know.

[John Mulaney]

I don't even know.

[Valerie Chaney]

We might talk about the growth since two days ago. Last episode.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Was a. Was an emotional.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Drop this one. Maybe we just keep it stupid.

[Valerie Chaney]

We can.

[John Mulaney]

No deep thoughts.

[Valerie Chaney]

I like that. But I just wanted to update. We'll start by saying, oh, I have other tuna thoughts too. Why do I Like, that immediately took me to some, like, podcast strategist that's like, so you're not. Like, the show isn't like, this is. I don't even know. I don't really watch the ratings. He's like, so the show isn't as good popular as it used to be. And I'm like, well, there's more podcasts. And he's like, is there anything you could do? I'm like, I don't think so. And he's like, really? Then he plays the clip, and it's me going, when we come back, I have more tuna thoughts. And then he goes, this is what you compete with? Will Arnett telling a story about getting his asshole waxed in Bermuda?

[John Mulaney]

Oh, my God. No, they. They do tuna thoughts on Smart List, too.

[Valerie Chaney]

Of course.

[John Mulaney]

Of course.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, the cat's out of the bag that podcasting is just having fun and talking.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then more famous people were just like, we can have fun and talk. And then those of us that were here first were like, hey, yeah.

[John Mulaney]

Because people just care it. Everybody's saying nothing. People just care more about famous people saying nothing.

[Valerie Chaney]

Could a more special something say nothing?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And they're like, yeah, who do you want? Who do you want in this day and age? Do you want Rob Thomas talking about, like, whatever happened to the white Pages?

[John Mulaney]

Do you?

[Valerie Chaney]

If you do, we have it.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And if you're willing to listen to a Squarespace ad, you can have it for free. Thing you want T Mobile for business. Shut up.

[John Mulaney]

Here are the ads. Who is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Who is going. I'm going to check out T Mobile for business. I'm confident that I could say T mobile for business 57 times.

[John Mulaney]

I do want.

[Valerie Chaney]

Nobody's going to T Mobile going, like, how do I. How do I get this in my business? Yeah, shut up.

[John Mulaney]

Because of.

[Valerie Chaney]

Shut up.

[John Mulaney]

A podcast you're gonna use.

[Valerie Chaney]

You've been using.

[John Mulaney]

You're gonna go to T Mobile or you're not, but it is gonna have nothing to do with the podcast you're listening.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's gonna be because of some weird childhood association. You like T Rexes and T Mobile sounds like your favorite, Dino.

[John Mulaney]

So with that in mind, these are products we really use, and really well, that's true.

[Valerie Chaney]

At least I'm letting you know. Here they come. These are the ads. Thank you. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Ritual Multivitamins. It's the only multivitamin that I've ever taken in my life that I can absolutely tell the difference. I take my Ritual. I feel ready to start my day. I take their essential for men and I take their synbiotic plus, which is a pre post and probiotic all in one. They're minty capsules. They're delayed release, which means they don't upset your stomach. So if you're fasting or taking them first thing in the morning, got that zinc in you. Sometimes zinc will upset your stomach, make you yak. Not Ritual because it breaks down your in your lower intestine, which is where these vitamins can actually be absorbed. So many people are like, I take a multivitamin, but I know I just pee it out. Ritual is different. Delayed release, minty essence. And everything in these things is traceable. So if you want to know where these nutrients are coming from, ritual is incredibly transparent and makes everything, everything, everything traceable. And guys, we need this in our life more than ever. According to the cdc, fewer men than women meet the minimum daily intake recommendation for fruit and veg. And men are more likely to overvalue exercise and undervalue nutrition. Ritual is here to help all of that. And I can say for me personally, as a mostly vegan, I would go and get my blood work done and my doctor would be like, you're deficient. Here, here, here, here. Point out all these gaps in my diet since starting ritual and I haven't missed a day in years. I don't have that problem. It has really helped fill those gaps. And those gaps a lot of people have, not just mostly vegans. We're talking about omega 3 DHA to support healthy heart and brain. We're Talking about vitamin D3 to support normal muscle and immune function. All of these things get into you and get into you and make you feel fantastic. So essential for men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at ritual.com weird. That's ritual.com weird for 25% off your first month. Try it out. Ritual.com weird. We're also brought to us by our friends at Shakti Matts. I am a hard person to buy a gift for and I was given a Shakti mat as a gift. And it's basically a bed of nails. You roll it out, you get a pillow too that's covered in thousands of spiky pokies. Why would you take your shirt off and lie down on something like that? Well, because it's basically like a massage on command. Just like sauna, just like cold exposure, exposure acupressure, getting these Pokies on your back, getting that circulation boosting, releasing, boosted, releasing tension, melting away stress. It is on demand relief from stress and tension. And it couldn't be easier. I love massage, maybe even more than the next person. But the problem is got to make an appointment. Cost a ton of money. Then you covered in oil, now you got a shower. It's a whole to do. This thing is relaxation on demand. Whenever you need it, unfurl it. It's a fun thing to say. Unfurl it, lay on it. The first time I used my Shakti mat, of course at first it's pokey and invigorating, but then I almost fell asleep. In fact I did fall asleep the first time I used it. Now I almost fall asleep every single time I use it. It's like deep tissue work. I've tried other kinds of acupressure mats, but there's no comparison. Shakti is the sharpest on the market, which is what you want because those are the only ones that work. And it's handmade in India by people who are paired, paid fairly and with the highest integrity quality materials. I can vouch for that. Deeper sleep, stress relief, muscle relaxation, better circulation, mental clarity and just a general sense of well being whenever you need it. And it makes a great gift. Shakti mats are my secret weapon. For reliable serenity and relief. Go to Shakti matt s h a k t I mat.com use promo code weird30 and you will get 30% off any Shakti mat at shakimat.com use promo code weird30and tell them we sent you. We're back.

[John Mulaney]

We're back.

[Valerie Chaney]

Those were great ads, those.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. I, I, I. Now that's something I would use. Whatever it is, I don't know what it is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I, I don't know because we're, we're banking episodes because I'm in Utah.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So we're banging. I don't know what those ads were.

[John Mulaney]

But I know we use them. It.

[Valerie Chaney]

Thank you, Valerie.

[John Mulaney]

We do because we use all of them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Thank you, Valerie. Thank you for towing the company line. It is true.

[John Mulaney]

I'm a great line tower.

[Valerie Chaney]

You are a great line tower.

[John Mulaney]

That's actually one of my strengths.

[Valerie Chaney]

If my desk was covered in more Pete's picks, there would be no desk.

[John Mulaney]

I know. And also more Leela shit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, Leila's picks are.

[John Mulaney]

A lot of Leela's picks are. I see a pink purse. I see a hot chocolate stick. Stuffy. I see a baseball. I see Valerie. Nope. This isn't interesting.

[Valerie Chaney]

I like it already.

[John Mulaney]

I think people would like it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Talk about that soap. That's good soap right there.

[John Mulaney]

What's.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a soap.

[John Mulaney]

This is great.

[Valerie Chaney]

Isn't it called Estrella?

[John Mulaney]

Yep. Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Estrella soap.

[John Mulaney]

All natural bar soap.

[Valerie Chaney]

I reached out to them to be a Pete speck, but I. I think they're too small of a company. I think that's where we landed. But here's a free one, everybody. Estrella E S T R E L L A soap. Because their pink lemonade soap makes me happy.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And it makes you thirsty.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't get me started on things that you want when you're thirsty. I'm going to say this again and then it's going to take me to my next Tuna Thought. No, but we're back. We're back at the meeting and they're pointing to a red arrow plummeting down on a graph and they're like, listen to your show.

[John Mulaney]

It really does. But this is what I thought you were gonna say. Or I. Anyway, it's what invoked it in me is like that feeling when you're at a boring meeting or a conference or something and you have lunch break and then you sit back down and they're like so going back to the monthly oh my God quarterlies.

[Valerie Chaney]

And you're like bone dry down.

[John Mulaney]

I forgot that's what we were doing.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can't even think about that.

[John Mulaney]

So for some people that's Tuna Thoughts, but for other people they're like, okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

But nobody's like, yes, Tuna Thoughts is going to be. Tuna Thoughts is actually going to be great.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

And. Because I'm actually going to weave in something really emotional into Tuna Thoughts and I'm not even forcing it.

[John Mulaney]

Wow. Okay. But first say your thirsty thing, which I know what it is.

[Valerie Chaney]

If you preferred Fruity Pebbles to Cocoa Pebbles, you weren't hungry, you were thirsty.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And if you were thirsty, it's because you were out there playing soccer.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

The Cocoa Pebbles people were my people. We were inside.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And we were eating two, three, sometimes four bowls, watching television unsupervised.

[John Mulaney]

Right.

[Valerie Chaney]

And all we were trying to do was pad down our anxiety. And it worked with sugary chocolate.

[John Mulaney]

But I do.

[Valerie Chaney]

And if you had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, you probably didn't even finish it yet. Some active fucking dipshit, 11 year old lifestyle that you were just like, food is fuel. And you took a few bites, you didn't even look at the box. You. You weren't even aware that it was a Flintstone cereal. I Do like because you're out there burning off those calories, you fucking turd.

[John Mulaney]

I do like this theory, but I think my brother was a Fruity Pebbles boy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

And I don't know if he was that. I mean, I guess he was. He was doing, like, football in, like, fifth grade.

[Valerie Chaney]

And we love Derek.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes, he was.

[John Mulaney]

Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Your brother has Fruity Pebbles? Is Looney Tunes.

[John Mulaney]

Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes.

[John Mulaney]

Fruity Pebbles.

[Valerie Chaney]

What do you mean? Is this a metaphor?

[John Mulaney]

I'm saying in the way that, like, Frosted Flakes is Coke. Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Then I humbly. I take my hat off in respect for what you just said. Cocoa Pebbles.

[John Mulaney]

Cocoa Pebbles or Cocoa Puffs?

[Valerie Chaney]

I've never talked about Cocoa Puffs.

[John Mulaney]

I know you think that it's not sweet enough, but it's not. It's cocoa.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like a. It's like a bitter.

[John Mulaney]

So is Cocoa Pebbles.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, but they figured it out, didn't they, Sunny? That bird, the Cocoa Puffs bird, he was cuckoo. For him, it's because he never tried Cocoa Pebbles.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

They're yabba dabba delicious. I don't know what Cocoa Bubbles are, but you're right. That cocoa. Fruity Pebbles is Looney Tunes.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Fruity pebble or Animaniacs.

[Valerie Chaney]

There was a time that Looney Tunes had a cachet, and somebody walked into them and was like, you know how, like, Calvin and Hobbs won't license?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Somebody walked into Looney Tunes and was like, how about every fucking piece of shit. Can we put Bugs Bunny on a skateboard smoking hash?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Giving the finger to the Chevy symbol. They're like, yeah. And it'll be official. Looney Tunes. It's not a knockoff.

[John Mulaney]

It's sort of.

[Valerie Chaney]

You can buy it in the Looney Tunes store, which doesn't exist anymore because they hoard it out.

[John Mulaney]

It's sort of what's happened to Jack Skellington where you're like, you're telling me the people.

[Valerie Chaney]

I only want to talk to you.

[John Mulaney]

The people who are. Why Jack Skellington shirts at, like, an amusement park.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[John Mulaney]

Those people like musicals. Oh, are we talking to Danny Elfman fans here?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. There's no way they like corn with a K. Yes. They like 100, and they like that. It's a skeleton, and with the scary.

[John Mulaney]

Face, they like Halloween. Okay, yeah, but that is a very small part of that movie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jack Skellington eats no flesh. He murders nobody. He's Just kind of the mayor of. Of Halloween town.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And he prances about and goes like, I wish this was Christmas.

[John Mulaney]

He sings Beautiful.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. One of the best vocal performances of all time.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie Chaney]

And they're like, I'm gonna put that a huge Jack Skellington on the back of my Jeep. A huge one.

[John Mulaney]

Like, oh, you're a fan of musicals.

[Valerie Chaney]

To let them know that they, like, like, hard.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, it's their way of saying, yeah, I hard. And I wish four Loa was still on the market because I would be drinking it at my daughter's parent teacher night. Cuz I have look at the Jack.

[John Mulaney]

Skellington that everybody you need to know is right there.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's right there. Then play that movie. And it's like, what's this? What's this?

[John Mulaney]

Magic in the. What's this? What's this?

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm gonna say they don't know any song from that movie.

[John Mulaney]

No.

[Valerie Chaney]

The Jack Skellington people.

[John Mulaney]

They can't.

[Valerie Chaney]

And Tasmanian Devil with, like, a do rag and a. And a menthol cigarette and, like, right.

[John Mulaney]

That's.

[Valerie Chaney]

When did this happen?

[John Mulaney]

It used to just be like vaudeville, but it's a bunny instead of a.

[Valerie Chaney]

Did we both wince. That. That was too racial. I didn't mean. Because durag and menthol cigarette just makes me think I'm making fun of black culture. I didn't even mean it that way.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, just like, tough.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, tough like on a Harley. That's better.

[John Mulaney]

Yes. There you go.

[Valerie Chaney]

I saw it on your face.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was a hummus. But I love it. Again, I say, I will never have a podcast that they make where I go, was that too much of the black community? Well, I mean, Harley Davidson, which, like, did white it up a little bit.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's so aggressively white that they were like, all right, he's. He's going for all races.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

All races and their sort of desire to be tough.

[John Mulaney]

This is going to be one of those where I think a little like, in the ne. In the following hours, we're going to be like, that was okay, right?

[Valerie Chaney]

This episode.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Now I'm going to tell you something. If I could bronze this episode like a baby shoe, I'd put it on our mantelpiece. I'm Dracula dead and loving this episode.

[John Mulaney]

Great.

[Valerie Chaney]

And me, too. The only moment that was not a complete lock on between the you. Between the you and the I. Yeah. Is when you thought that I would doubt this episode, because I never felt stronger about it. This actually. Okay, so Tuna thought and so one of the reasons I feel healed, which is great since last episode, which was so heavy, was I did do Stand up last night. And as we talk about this a million. And it was not about stand up. It's just like finding that thing in.

[John Mulaney]

Your life that aligns you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Aligns you. So I feel so aligned, so glad. And Stand up really gives me permission to, like, be. To write my feelings in, like, you know those sharpies that are like chisel looks like something you'd carve marble with, like, a fat, chiseled.

[John Mulaney]

Flintstone.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Flintstone sharpies. Yeah. But Dabba. Delicious. It just forces you to write how you feel in big, bold letters, and then that bleeds into your tomorrow, and you're like, I'm okay. I'm okay. And I feel okay. So here's my tune of thought that I'm going to tie into a little bit of how I processed that heaviness without weight, without. Without deep thoughts. For real.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

My friend Opie came to our house, and we made Progresso soup.

[John Mulaney]

Mm.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't get me started.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, I remember the moment I switched from Campbell's to Progresso.

[Valerie Chaney]

You mean from Ikea to Creighton Barrel?

[John Mulaney]

Yep, I do.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's a big moment. It's a bigger can.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, my gosh.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wild rice.

[John Mulaney]

It's a meteorite.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a meteor. Chunky.

[John Mulaney]

And remember, that was the marketing ploy.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was a meal. You could eat it with a fork. Well, that was Chunky. No, Campbell's Chunky was their attempt to get some of that Progresso money.

[John Mulaney]

But it was a Campbell's Progresso war, and Progresso kept. I remember exactly how, but I remember it was distinctly anti Campbell's. Like, we're the good. Like, our bananas won't poison you.

[Valerie Chaney]

It is, and it works.

[John Mulaney]

And really what they could have said is, there's dis. You'll be able to tell which things.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's what they did. They did taste tests, which in the 90s, we couldn't get enough of. Like, is it Pepsi or Coke?

[John Mulaney]

And we were like, how do we get on one of these?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I need to do. I want that. And I want to buy a Campbell's and a Progresso and do it at home. Yeah, But Campbell's was like, I'll say this. Chowder.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Progresso.

[John Mulaney]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

If you're making a Campbell's chowder, this. I don't want to gross everyone out. But it was like a, you know, a gelatinous. It was like cranberry sauce, but cream and clams I know. It's the worst. And you'd add milk. What is this?

[John Mulaney]

What are we doing?

[Valerie Chaney]

A deleted scene from Napoleon Dynamite. It's so yak. Progressive. At least you just. You could shake it up. Plop. Heat it up. I used to love that shit.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

A good white soup.

[John Mulaney]

I used to love potato soup. I just remembered potato soup. I haven't thought it out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Baked potato loaded. Potato soup. It was a hot, popular soup.

[John Mulaney]

I bet it was 3,000 calories.

[Valerie Chaney]

Without a doubt. When people look at your arteries and say you have plaque. It's not plaque. It's Bennigan's baked potato soup. Potato soup. Yeah. On. In every. That's where Bennigan's gets it.

[John Mulaney]

Bennigan's is single handedly.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[John Mulaney]

Responsible for any.

[Valerie Chaney]

Every heart attack, cardiac event. That's it got me for some reason. So anyway, my friend Opie would come over, my mom made us both a can of Progresso soup. Respect. A lot of moms would split that. It's a grown up soup. We each got our own. I remember the bowls. Jesus Christ. I remember the bowls. And Opie would take a saltine. You know what was premium? Was that what it's called? Saltine. I feel like saltine crackers was called premium.

[John Mulaney]

Premium. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So you take one of those saltines, hit, spoon the soup and put it on the saltine and then eat it. And I. This was a learning technique. No, I know. This is a learning moment for me because I was like, what a fucking weirdo.

[John Mulaney]

What did you do with the saltines?

[Valerie Chaney]

I think at that point I might have crumbled them in.

[John Mulaney]

That's. That's still what I would do.

[Valerie Chaney]

My mouth is watering so hard. It was so gross. Yeah, yeah. It would soak up that broth. And you're just eating like, it was just mana.

[John Mulaney]

It was amazing when it's like half soggy, half crunchy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. No, you. You know the ones that have still.

[John Mulaney]

The corners that are still touching the air.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

They stay crunchy.

[Valerie Chaney]

They stay crunchy.

[John Mulaney]

The rest of it is getting. It's part of. You'll believe. You won't believe.

[Valerie Chaney]

That.

[John Mulaney]

It was never a part of the soup.

[Valerie Chaney]

I got it.

[John Mulaney]

You get what?

[Valerie Chaney]

I liked it. I couldn't say.

[John Mulaney]

I was so excited.

[Valerie Chaney]

The soup sort of digested some of the crackers for you. Like, it started breaking.

[John Mulaney]

It let us do some of the heavy.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then the points were like. But don't forget, we're a cracker.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Like, I didn't Saltine. I never could. And they're all like, you wouldn't. You can't. You'll never believe that we weren't always a part of this, too.

[Valerie Chaney]

Val. I started thinking about other things. I'm sorry I left you. I abandoned you at the end. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sure when I listen to this episode, which I will, That I will love that moment. But I'll also know. Oh. Host Pete was like, I think it's time to move on. So, anyway, it was a learning moment.

[John Mulaney]

It's always time to move on when I'm talking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. But when I'm playing. Hey, hey, Woody Guthrie, I'm sucking your dong. This. This is. This stays in. This stays in my. The editor in my mind goes. This stays in. Anyway, then I tried it. I was like, what a weirdo. Then I tried it, and that's how I ate soup the rest of my life. I got it from Opie.

[John Mulaney]

Really? Do you still eat soup that way?

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I'm over here not eating soup.

[John Mulaney]

Right.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because. Yeah, I. I don't.

[John Mulaney]

And we don't have saltines in the house.

[Valerie Chaney]

Usually, I love soup, but when I eat soup, I eat it with a spoon now, because I'm a grown man.

[John Mulaney]

Sure.

[Valerie Chaney]

But do I want to eat it on saltines? Saltines are just like here. You know, Everything a doctor tells you does nothing for you and is dangerous. Saltines.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Remember?

[Valerie Chaney]

Meaning it's just bleached white flour. I don't even know what it's grabbed.

[John Mulaney]

Remember the first.

[Valerie Chaney]

I thought yeast was good.

[John Mulaney]

No, no. Like, remember when I was doing the Candida diet?

[Valerie Chaney]

It lives in your gut.

[John Mulaney]

I was trying to starve out the yeast in my stomach, and I got basically, like. It was like I had the stomach flu.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

And you. I could. I was like, I'm bailing on this. And you bought me saltines. And within the half of the first one, I felt better.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Because the microbiome that's really running the show.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. My whole life.

[Valerie Chaney]

Will. Will. It's like a hostage situation.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Give us yeast.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And we'll stop making you sweat.

[John Mulaney]

Exactly.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's what it was. So, anyway, yeast of E. Yeast of eaten.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

I loved it. Anyway, Opie, when I. So I did therapy this week, and I loved it. I was talking about, you know, I guess it is sad, but, like, being friends with your parents and wanting real connection, you know, wanting to be seen, but not just to be seen, to be, like, beheld. Something I'm very careful about doing with Leela is. I'M always, like, beholding her, like, looking at her in sort of like a contemplative way, meaning kind of soft focus and really just trying to be as quiet as I can and just take it in, like, all of it, every movement and every gesture. And without. But without too much hard focus, it's really an allowing and a beholding. And we were talking about that, and one of the things that comes up maybe every single time I do therapy, and one of the things that makes therapy so beneficial is you start seeing these patterns, and you go like, oh, that's a really important, like. Like, inside out. It's like a core memory.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And a core memory for me. And you wouldn't really believe it is. I went to Opie's birthday party, and it was in, like, a nature preserve. Maybe I've talked about this before, but Opie was standing next to his mom, who was kind of like Carla on Cheers just a little bit. And Opie kind of had his hands on his hips, and they had clearly been to this thing before. It was like a field where there were animals. There were, like, tortoises and, I guess, turtles. And, you know, it was just kind of like a nature place, a preserve. And she said, don't hurt any of the turtles. She's kind of giving an announcement, or, my friend here will have a real problem with you. And she meant her son. And I, I. I'm not trying to change the tone. I love the tone. I'm just saying it broke my heart, even as a kid, that I was like, the intimacy. It was so intimate. And now I'm actually saying it. What's sad about it is that that's what I was yearning for, even as a kid. I remember being like so much that.

[John Mulaney]

You really noted that it got locked in forever.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I think about it constantly, was there's just a. She called him my friend here. There's something about like. Or, my friend here will have a real problem.

[John Mulaney]

And he's advocating for him.

[Valerie Chaney]

She's advocating for him. And she knows him. She knows he loves turtles and can't stand a turtle being hurt. And it's his birthday, and my friend here will have a real problem with you. And what's significant about that is, obviously, I'm 46 years old. It stays with me. I still think about it, but in that moment, I was like, it would be too cheap to call it jealous. It was like there was a yearning.

[John Mulaney]

I was like a pang.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was a pang.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And that comes up a lot. So last week, we Talked about, you know, my feelings being hurt because my dad didn't. Whatever. You can listen to that one if you want.

[John Mulaney]

We're not going to give you any details.

[Valerie Chaney]

No details. But anyway. And then, and then, you know, I started reading that book today which is called the Let them Theory. Let them. And that was very power. Powerful too. That helped me today.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I enjoyed that. I just was flipping through it and it was like, just let them. If some. Let. Let. You can't control other people. It's a very basic principle. But it's like, yeah, that's disappointing. But like, let it. It's. It's very non resistant. Allow it. And even though we already talk about things like that every episode of this podcast. Yes, thank you. All this stuff, something I do like the language of. Let him. Let him.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, just let him.

[Valerie Chaney]

Let him.

[John Mulaney]

I know I can't.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can't control.

[John Mulaney]

You couldn't do anything anyway, so stop. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And that's what I did with my therapy. I was like talking to a, you know, a protector, a part of my psyche and just being like, let's give up. Let's give up hope. And it was really hard to do and say, but.

[John Mulaney]

But it's a relief.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tuna and crackers.

[John Mulaney]

Tuna and crackers. Tuna crackers.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a man, a tall man. He was in coach, on a plane, and in first class. There was a four year old boy sitting on a throne like a king. His feet didn't even touch the ground. Fuck you, boy. Fuck you, boy. You're too small to be in first class.

[Valerie Chaney]

Class.

[Pete Holmes]

You boy. You boy.

[Valerie Chaney]

I got cocky because it was beautiful for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

You boy. You're too small. In first class. You could be in the overhead compartment. You'd be just as happy. And I'm in 11 and my knees are in the back of the seat in front of me. Meanwhile, you're in first class and your knees don't touch the seat. And you look like a ventriloquist's dummy. You boy. You bo.

[John Mulaney]

You boy.

[Pete Holmes]

You boy.

[John Mulaney]

Boy.

[Pete Holmes]

And your rich dad, who got the seat for you? He looks like he doesn't know that you like nature preserves and turtles. He looks annoyed that you're there with him. So let's swap. I'd like to sit with your dad, boy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Let me sit with your dad, boy.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me sit with your dad.

[John Mulaney]

The boy is you.

[Pete Holmes]

Me. Fuck me. I'm the boy. I'm the boy. I've abandoned my boy. I've abandoned my boy. I've abandoned my son. If you have a milkshake and I have a son straw and it goes all the way from over here, I drink your milkshake.

[Valerie Chaney]

I drink it up.

[Pete Holmes]

I drink it up.

[Valerie Chaney]

Drainage. Drink it up. Drainage. Drink it up.

[John Mulaney]

Drainage.

[Valerie Chaney]

Drainage.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, I forgot that part.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm finished.

[John Mulaney]

Wow. Wow, wow. Our family is home.

[Valerie Chaney]

Perfect timing.

[John Mulaney]

Perfect timing.

[Valerie Chaney]

Valerie. Oh, thank you for this.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, yeah. Thanks for if you've made it through this episode, you can make it through anything in your life.

[Valerie Chaney]

Disagree.

[John Mulaney]

Isn't that good?

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm gonna listen to this again on half speed so it lasts longer.

[John Mulaney]

But I am already talking on half speed.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I'm already talking on 2x speed, so that's regular.

[John Mulaney]

So just listen to it as is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because we balance each other out. Tuna and crackers.

[John Mulaney]

Tuna and crackers. Keep it crisp.