We Made It Weird #217

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Episode #217

Title: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Valerie Chaney
Release Date: May 10, 2025
Location: Live to tape in Toronto, Ontario

---

Introduction

In episode #217 of "You Made It Weird," Pete Holmes welcomes his guest, Valerie Chaney, to a live recording in Toronto, Ontario. The episode kicks off with light-hearted banter about the ongoing Pete Here Now Tour, hinting at its more mature content compared to the previous PG-13 tour.

---

Main Discussion

1. Valerie’s IQ Test Experience

Timestamp: [03:29]

Valerie shares her recent experience taking an IQ test via the Impulse app, which purportedly lasted seven minutes and consisted of 30 challenging questions. She reveals an impressive score of 142, prompting Pete to humorously question the legitimacy of such a rapid assessment.

Valerie Chaney [05:11]: "It took me, like, seven minutes. It was 30 questions they were getting."

Pete Holmes [06:00]: "I think a real IQ test takes longer than seven minutes."

The conversation delves into the validity of online IQ tests, with Valerie expressing skepticism about the accuracy of her score due to the test's brevity and informal administration.

Valerie Chaney [06:15]: "Many online tests, especially those that are short and not administered by professionals, may not provide an accurate measure."

2. Asking Friends for Favors: The Mail Dilemma

Timestamp: [14:22]

Pete recounts a humorous yet poignant story about asking his friend Ariella to mail a letter on his behalf. Valerie empathizes, noting the social nuances and potential for offense when requesting such favors.

Pete Holmes [15:37]: "But, yeah, it's just not the done thing."

Valerie Chaney [23:12]: "It's like, everybody works. Works for you."

They explore the blurred lines between friendship and obligation, especially when trivial tasks like mailing a letter become points of contention.

3. Relationship Dynamics and Delegating Tasks

Timestamp: [33:00]

The discussion shifts to relationship roles, contrasting Valerie’s dynamic with her current partner Sam versus Pete’s interactions with Ariella. Valerie highlights how Sam’s straightforward nature contrasts with Ariella’s more involved approach.

Valerie Chaney [33:00]: "Sam is the type of person who texts when he's on the way to the grocery store."

Pete Holmes [33:23]: "It's called male for a reason."

This segment underscores the importance of compatibility and communication in partnerships, especially regarding everyday responsibilities.

4. Experiences in Toronto and the Movie 'St. Peter'

Timestamp: [39:06]

Pete discusses the completion of his movie project, "St. Peter," describing it as both the most enjoyable and creatively fulfilling experience of his life. He shares emotional challenges faced during filming, particularly during intense scenes requiring deep emotional engagement.

Pete Holmes [39:14]: "It was the most, first, easiest and funnest film experience I've ever had."

Valerie adds her perspective on the energy and emotional investment required in filmmaking, reinforcing the bond formed through shared creative endeavors.

5. The Lost Wallet Adventure

Timestamp: [47:24]

A humorous yet relatable story unfolds as Valerie realizes her wallet is missing after a day out in Salt Lake City. The duo navigates the anxiety and subsequent relief upon finding it at the ice cream shop where they had visited earlier.

Pete Holmes [50:41]: "When something is missing, like, you go, my wallet, my wallet is gone."

Valerie Chaney [50:43]: "Yeah."

The narrative highlights their approach to problem-solving and maintaining composure in stressful situations, ultimately finding humor and gratitude in the resolution.

6. The Best Ice Cream Experience

Timestamp: [43:32]

Following the wallet incident, Pete and Valerie reminisce about their visit to "Normal Ice Cream" in Salt Lake City. They describe the unique flavors and presentation, emphasizing the delightful experience despite initial skepticism.

Valerie Chaney [45:00]: "They were making, like, the most delicious looking, like, pink drink out of, like, a potion bottle."

Pete Holmes [46:13]: "It's like, you know when you get ice cream, you're like, oh, I see why this is a revolution."

Their playful banter and vivid descriptions convey the joy of discovering exceptional culinary experiences together.

7. Laundry Hacks and Environmental Insights

Timestamp: [56:13]

The conversation takes an informative turn as Pete discusses insights from a Malcolm Gladwell episode about laundry. He shares valuable tips on using cold water for washing to reduce environmental impact and improve efficiency, highlighting the advancements in detergent formulations.

Pete Holmes [58:21]: "Cold water is, you know, so much better."

Valerie complements the discussion by emphasizing the practical and environmental benefits, encouraging listeners to adopt these simple yet impactful changes in their daily routines.

Valerie Chaney [58:33]: "So you're going to start doing your own laundry."

---

Notable Quotes

• Pete Holmes [05:12]: "I think a real IQ test takes longer than seven minutes."
• Valerie Chaney [15:29]: "I just found this little IQ test, which, by the way, it's not like this will take seven minutes."
• Pete Holmes [33:23]: "It's called male for a reason."
• Valerie Chaney [45:00]: "Fruit is always a mistake."
• Pete Holmes [58:21]: "Cold water is, you know, so much better."

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Pete Holmes and Valerie Chaney engage in candid and humorous conversations, blending personal anecdotes with insightful discussions. From the light-hearted tales of lost wallets and gourmet ice cream to deeper reflections on relationships and environmental responsibility, the episode encapsulates the essence of "You Made It Weird" by exploring the unique and often quirky aspects of their lives.

Listeners new to the podcast will find this episode both entertaining and relatable, offering a blend of humor, heartfelt moments, and practical advice. Whether it's navigating the complexities of friendship dynamics or mastering the art of laundry, Pete and Valerie deliver a rich and engaging narrative that resonates on multiple levels.

---

Note: Advertisements and sponsor segments from this episode have been omitted to focus solely on the content discussions.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you made it weird.

[Katie]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie Chaney]

What's happening, weirdo?

[Pete Holmes]

Live to tape in Toronto, Ontario.

[Valerie Chaney]

Live to tape.

[Pete Holmes]

Jimmy Kimmel. Live to tape.

[Valerie Chaney]

We are Toronto, Ontario.

[Pete Holmes]

Toronto, Ontario. And we are here and we're loving it. We're having incredible food, food, Toronto vibe.

[Valerie Chaney]

Sleeper game.

[Pete Holmes]

Sleeper game Toronto. And the show tonight, super excited.

[Valerie Chaney]

Knows it's great. I'm just learning it.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, this episode's. I'm just ignoring you. I don't know why. Sorry, this episode's a little bit late, but we're thrilled that you're here. If you are in Toronto, come see me tonight. I think there's only a couple ticks left, which I say with a whole lot of glee. It is no longer the PG13 tour because it's. It's dirty. Who cares? It's called the Pete Here now tour. And I after this, I'm going to be in LA. Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak, Washington, D.C. boston, Massachusetts. Spokane. Oh, wait, so Boston's on sale? Oh, no, I guess that was St. Louis. Cleveland, Pennsylvania, Atlantic City. And it's not on there yet, but right around Atlantic City is going to be New York. I don't know why that's not on sale yet, but it's not. But spoiler will be coming to New York, which I'm very, very excited about. So go to PeteHomes.com for all of those. And the show is supported by. By our Pete's Picks, as we call them. These are ads for things that we actually use and actually love. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage. This episode is brought to us by.

[Katie]

Our friends at Magic Mind. When I Fly. I'm currently in Utah shooting a movie. And guess what? I have the whole crew drinking Magic Mind. Why? Because we're trying to make something. We're trying to create something. We're trying to create something special and magical. Trying to keep our energy levels up, trying to keep our minds sharp. And Magic Mind is the perfect creator drink.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like creator Aid.

[Katie]

Creat coffee. Sure, I like a little coffee, but it can get you jittery, it can get you wired, it can mess with your sleep. Magic Mind is matcha. So it's got about as much caffeine as half a cup of coffee, but it's also got nootropics, Earth grown, which help you focus, concentrate, think, use your brain. And it's got adaptogens like lion's mane, which help you Calm down and stay regulated. So you got up with the caffeine, you got down with the adaptogens, putting you right where you want to be, in the middle for that flow. So state lasts about 3, 4 hours. In fact, I did a show while I was here in Utah. I'll drink one, six, seven o' clock at night, still go to bed. Absolutely no problem. It is not jittery. It is dialed in. It is absolutely in flow state. It's flow state in a bottle. It tastes fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

I absolutely love it.

[Katie]

You got to give it a try. Go to MagicMind Co weird and use our discount code at checkout.

[Pete Holmes]

Weird.

[Katie]

For a limited 20% off your first order. That's MagicMind Co weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Get.

[Katie]

Use discount code Weird at checkout. It is absolutely wonderful. Fights off add, fights off. Procrastination, brain fog, fatigue. You got to get it in your life. Magicmind Co Weird.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. We're so glad you're here. Sorry, I was looking something up while recording the intro. That was rude. But this episode is amazing. We're so glad you're here, Valerie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sitting here with IQ superstar Valerie and Chaney. How are you today, Valerie?

[Valerie Chaney]

Feeling pretty brilliant today, Peter.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, guess what. Guess what. Guess what. We don't. Well, I guess we will do an intro. I was gonna say, I think there's only one mid roll. So we don't even. This can just be the intro. That's what we'll do. This can be the intro. What do you mean, this can be the intro?

[Valerie Chaney]

Like we're.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we just go into the episode.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Does that even matter? Is that, like, a thrill?

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm wondering if we even need an intro then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we'll do an intro. We'll do an intro. It doesn't feel right. Okay, but we could have not done an. It doesn't matter. Hi. Hi. So Val took an IQ test, like the Seinfeld episode, and I.

[Valerie Chaney]

Boy, are my arms tired.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish there was a word that meant like brain unit that was like, ums, and boy, are my arms tired. You know?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm really just making my own world where I'm like, imagine if there was a world that meant brain unit of intelligence. You could have said, boy, am I arms tired. That's nothing. That was a waste of. Imagine if something that wasn't was was. Then that could have been.

[Valerie Chaney]

Then you could have made a joke about that, and then it would have been funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess what I was hoping was, boy, are my arms tired was delightfully. Correct me if I'm wrong. This was your point. Not a great joke. Like, you were like, I'm a genius. Yeah, no, I thought that was the joke.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a tweezer. I hardly know her. Like, the joke is that it was an answer.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I hate those, too.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you love those.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to. So, where did you take your IQ test?

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, so this is the thing. I literally just took this IQ test, so I can't even.

[Pete Holmes]

How long did it take?

[Valerie Chaney]

Vouch for it. It took me, like, seven minutes. It was 30 questions they were getting.

[Pete Holmes]

I think a real IQ test takes longer than seven minutes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, well, if you were going to tear this apart, why wouldn't you do it before we got on the air?

[Pete Holmes]

Because this is when we hang out.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Although. That's not true.

[Valerie Chaney]

Look, I'm not. I'm not claiming that it was a perfectly legitimate IQ test.

[Pete Holmes]

Test. Let's ask. I took an IQ test on Impulse. Impulse. Which is a website. Oh, Impulse app. And it took seven minutes. And I'm wondering if the score I got from that IQ test on impulse app for seven minutes is legitimate.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was 30 questions.

[Pete Holmes]

It was 30 questions. And very difficult. Was that legitimate?

[Valerie Chaney]

It's understandable to be curious about your IQ score. However, the legitimacy of IQ tests can vary significantly depending on the source. Many online tests, especially those that are short and not administered by professionals, may not provide an accurate measure.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, stop embarrassing my wife, all right? You've embarrassed my wife.

[Valerie Chaney]

Here's the thing. I wasn't coming all up in here being like, look at me. I'm so smart. You're the one that made a big deal about it and said, let's talk about it on the podcast. I'm trying to say I just found this little Q test, which, by the way, it's not like this will take seven minutes. It took me seven minutes. It was timing me.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you did take the one that usually takes people an hour, but it took you seven minutes? That would support your score of 142. 142. And Stephen Hawking is 160. 160. So 20. 20 points shy of old Hawkins. Old Hawkins, who has nothing to do but think. That's not a ableist joke.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's just.

[Pete Holmes]

God, he's sitting around doing some thinking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. All I want to show Ablest. Yeah, it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's just own it. It was. Just Be honest. It was.

[Valerie Chaney]

Here's the thing. I. I don't think. I don't think that I It was suspicious to me, too, maybe. But here.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Here's what I'm proud of.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Here's what I'm proud of.

[Pete Holmes]

I need to go first. I can't believe you're even embarrassed. I can't believe you're even a little bit embarrassed.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, it's kind of a dumb thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. I fully believe you're a 142. Fully.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I don't think so, but I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought I brought ChatGPT Jiput into this to be like, yes, seven minutes can get you. You know, she started talking about the validity of the test in general.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right. That's why everything I looked up was also doing that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Anyway, I've never even taken an IQ test like this. I was just dabbling. You were doing this interview. I'm in this hotel room, and I was like, let me just see. And here's what I will say. It was. It was getting increasingly harder.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe it. Seven minutes is a long time to be tortured by academia.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was making my brain, like, challenged and. But what I feel proud about is that I, like, at a certain point, as it was getting harder and harder, and it's all these little, like, detailed pattern recognition things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I was just like, okay, just think about it less, like, what's your gut? And then I would go with. I would, like, see my gut. And then I would kind of check my work. And then I did that, and I got 29 out of 30 questions. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

So, okay. And it was like, did you feel distracted while you were doing this test? And I was like, no, I was, like, fully engaged. So that also seemed. Seemed nice. Like, okay, I don't know if there's an ADHD thing here.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. And I didn't. When you said you had a very high iq, I didn't doubt it.

[Valerie Chaney]

I didn't say I have a very high iq.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, also, like, every que. If it's. If you got one wrong each question. Look, if I had a high IQ, if it's 30 questions and 180is this. So if you had gotten one more, would you have had, like, 180? Does it go up to 180?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, it must. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? Why not 200? They're so mental about it.

[Valerie Chaney]

They are.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like. Because that would be pedestrian.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

If it ends on 200.

[Valerie Chaney]

I did see that.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's drop it. I want you to take the compliment. We don't have to drop it.

[Valerie Chaney]

What are you saying? I did see that the app has. It said, like, take the general IQ test and that one is 60 minutes. So I think I took a little teaser.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think I got. They gave me just a little slice of an IQ test and they're like, bas. Based on how things are going here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, one wrong, but it. Yeah, one wrong.

[Valerie Chaney]

Anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

One wrong and it docked you 60 points.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's it. It has to go up to like 150.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, but I also. When we were trying to get set up for the pod here, I was like, okay, I couldn't find quick time on your computer. And then I couldn't think of the word for chair.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But think of, think of a genius. In fact, let's cast him as a 30 something Albert Brooks and he's a genius.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How's he doing? Finding quick time. You know what I mean?

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's the whole thing is there's dandruff, there's patches on coats, you know, elbow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's like a revolving door that he pushes the wrong way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wow. Did elbow patches come because they were like worn elbow holes from just being sloppy.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never. It's not sloppy. I don't think it's busy. It's busy. They're constantly reading, so they've got elbows on the table. They're constantly writing. Elbow, elbow, elbow. I'm gonna say an abacus. Is an elbow heavy.

[Valerie Chaney]

As heavy as either of those things, which I don't think is very heavy.

[Pete Holmes]

But think of athletics. The elbow is never touching anything. Tennis elbow.

[Valerie Chaney]

This is not real. You do not use elbows for writing and you do use. For athletics.

[Pete Holmes]

You're at a desk. But the elbow is. Hold on, hold on. The elbow is an open air elbow. It's. It's being used, but it's open air. If you wore a blazer, if Michael Jordan wore a blazer for an entire season of sports. Yeah. The elbow would be worn down. It would be. Would it?

[Valerie Chaney]

From playing basketball?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I think it would be worn down from the inside. I feel very strongly about this. The academic. The academic wears it down from the outside. Putting it on wears it out from the inside. So the elbow is screwed either way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. I guess if you're. I think if you're left handed, that elbow is getting worn out.

[Pete Holmes]

And let's be honest, because you know.

[Valerie Chaney]

How they have to do the little curl around.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the cutest little curl.

[Valerie Chaney]

Curl around. What is it about? I guess because we write left to right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we write left to right. So a left handed person would probably rather write right to left. But would they write the word right to left would, like arrival. Are they writing the last letter first?

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know. But if they were writing Taco Cat, it wouldn't matter.

[Pete Holmes]

Taco Cat, Our favorite palindrome. Welcome to the palindrome. That was a Public Enemy reference. I really feel like that was an aggressive bit. Dump.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh. I feel exhausted after that.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel energized and ready to live.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, I'm gonna grab my coffee. It's just right here. Don't freak out.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love these little moments where you're a little off mic. Say no. No. Say something while you're over there.

[Valerie Chaney]

Something while you're over there.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you don't have to do that to your voice. Say it normal.

[Valerie Chaney]

Hi, I'm over here now. And then come back and now I'm over here.

[Pete Holmes]

It's that NPR flavor. And we are an NPR show.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, yeah. This is like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're.

[Valerie Chaney]

Now you're like, hey.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Now you got it. I knew.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then, like, the narrator starts to talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Even though over it. Over it, you be you meeting me for an interview.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll be you narrating it.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right. Hey, is this the right. Am I in. Am I in the right place?

[Pete Holmes]

It was a Tuesday, and his apartment was surprisingly clean for such a dirty mind. Who knew that Larry Flint the pornographer would live in such pristine conditions?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I sat down and things started a little bit weird.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, we can begin whenever you want to.

[Pete Holmes]

I've always had a thing for Civil War swords. That was Larry Flint, who is dead. I didn't. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter.

[Valerie Chaney]

That felt real.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie Chaney]

Just that you were, like. You felt, like a little embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoopsie doodle.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was a real whoopsie daisy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a real whoopsie doodle. I have something to share. Okay, well, there's a lot to share, actually. There's. It's. There's no. There's no shortage of things to update because those past two, we made it weird. We recorded ahead of time.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we were talking about a lot of emotional stuff. And in between that and this, there's been weeks off for us where I've been shooting a movie, which we can talk about, and we've been traveling together, and we're here in Toronto. But here's what I want to share. Our friend Ariella smell As I call her. As everyone calls her that.

[Katie]

Knew her.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, you want to take that again?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Our friend Ariella.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just ended there. No, I do it again. Who I call Smell. Who anyone calls Smell, if you know her. So I think I talked about this on the podcast. I certainly talked about it on the podcast that's coming out probably next week with Carol Leifer. Carol Leifer was one of my favorite people of all time, and I loved our episode. She wrote for Seinfeld. I think she wrote for Curb. Anyway, I was telling her that Ariella, our friend who's being name checked right now, was at our house, and I had an envelope. I had a letter, remember, that I had to send, but I didn't have any stance.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I gave her the letter.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, would you mail this for me?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she. Ariel is like me. She can't hide how she feels.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she was so obviously, like, not just put out. Put out is a certain face. She was insulted.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, she was insulted.

[Pete Holmes]

She was insulted that I was like, would you melt? Like, she made a joke. Like, am I your assistant or something? After I called her out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She was like, oh, yeah, sure. But then I was like, what? And that led to this conversation about, like, it just feels like, I don't know. You wouldn't ask a friend to pick up your dry cleaning.

[Valerie Chaney]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

But you should if they're going to the dry cleaner. I mean, I guess you shouldn't, but you could.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, here's the thing. This is sort of twofold.

[Pete Holmes]

One is, this is going someplace fun.

[Valerie Chaney]

By the way, you definitely think that mailing is a bigger deal than it is me. Yes. Because. And I think it's because you've always lived in cities maybe, where you actually have to drive past a mailbox.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And, like, find one and put it in. We got a real mailbox now, buddy. You put that flag up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's all you have to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Two things that I resist wholeheartedly, even though they're in my life. One is a dishwasher.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Insane.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't trust it. I don't trust it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't believe it.

[Valerie Chaney]

It is. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. Yes, tell me.

[Valerie Chaney]

Filling the space with hot as hell.

[Pete Holmes]

Hotter than the hinges of hell.

[Valerie Chaney]

Hotter than the hinges of hell. Water.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's nothing scrubbing it, though.

[Valerie Chaney]

The water pressure is like. That's why we do a. We do a nice little wipe down before.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Well, welcome to my first Malcolm. Gladwell Mansplain. I'm glad you're here.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

I listen, it's almost over.

[Valerie Chaney]

That makes one of us.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one?

[Valerie Chaney]

It was a little late.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm glad you're here.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. I listened to a very interesting Malcolm Gladwell episode about revisionist history called laundry and I was like, okay, I bet old Malky Glads can make laundry interesting. And he did. And I'm almost done. But I do think everyone needs to know this one. Do you have to pre rinse your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? The answer is you. No. If you use Cascade. Okay. That's why I bought Cascade for us.

[Valerie Chaney]

And are you going to use the.

[Pete Holmes]

Dishwasher now that we have like the chemical brilliance? Brilliance. I hope it's not too toxic. But it's like they figured out this soap is sprayed in hot water will work. Then I can put my faith not in the machine, but in chemistry, which is a little bit more magical than just. I just don't buy it. Because the way the plates go in, they're like leaning on each other. It's like last call at a bar.

[Valerie Chaney]

When I put them in, I'm very specific about how I put them.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen a few of yours that are a little crowded. It's like a suds soap wash at a burning man.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, here's what I'm not. Here's where my issue comes in. When there is a talk about Cascade, when there is an avalanche of wet dishes, including the silverware just next to the sink and you have to grab a fork out and all the dishes. Cascade. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cascade. Yeah, yeah. Nice.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my cascading.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's your Cascade.

[Pete Holmes]

It does speak to. And we're done with this topic, but it's how I leave things out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The dishwasher is this weird drawer.

[Valerie Chaney]

You just can't put anything away. Not even dirty dishes if I want to.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't even like this about myself, but I'm a real insight in mind person. I hate that that means, like, that's not entirely true. Like, I haven't seen Joe DeRosa in years, but I think about him all the time. So you can cross a threshold with me. But not plates can't.

[Valerie Chaney]

But not plates.

[Pete Holmes]

But not plates can't. If a plate is in a dishwasher, it might as well be in a dump. It's gone and I'll never think of it again. But if it's in that mountain of washed dishes, I would just like to be A monk. I want one bowl and one spoon, and that's all my meals. And I wash it and I leave it in some sort of like clay kind of like carved out enclave window.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, if you want to just use one spoon and one bowl and one fork and wash it every time, that I would be okay with.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not joking. If I could have one bowl. And this is gonna be a nice bowl.

[Valerie Chaney]

We're all gonna continue living normally, but that will make the dishes at least a third less.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I'm a big problem. I'm a real second spooner. Like, I get like a spoon of peanut butter and I'm like, that's all I'm going to have. And then my brain is like, holy shit, peanut butter. And then I'm getting a second spoon and a third spoon. Yeah, yeah, it's a problem. So I think once I'm doing this, in fact, I'm stoked because, look, I'm going to say something very strong here. There's no meal you can't eat with a spoon. You said one fork. There's no fork in this system. There's one spoon, and you're getting a.

[Valerie Chaney]

Salad with the spoon. Spoon.

[Pete Holmes]

Hell yeah. Because I'm gonna. I'm gonna thumb top it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Thumb top it.

[Valerie Chaney]

You have one spoon and one fork in one bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

It ruins it. It's one.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, you heard it here, Richard Rorsch style.

[Pete Holmes]

And I clean it. I dunk it. That sound in the hot soapy water. And I clean it. And you're like, is that Jesus? Like, I look.

[Valerie Chaney]

So you're gonna make a tub of hot soapy water.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm fill the sink with hot soapy. And I'm gonna dunk it. And Leela's gonna look and go, daddy. And she's gonna see like an iconic halo. I'm gonna. I would love to do that.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, great. I think that's awesome.

[Pete Holmes]

Deal.

[Valerie Chaney]

If you could also limit how much. How many pairs of underwear you wear a day.

[Pete Holmes]

That's also a big problem for me, constantly changing underwear. I can't. I can't take a shower and put on the same.

[Valerie Chaney]

Nobody is as familiar with the material, the fold, the. The lifespan of me undies than I am. And it's because of your underwear.

[Pete Holmes]

They're no longer a sponsor, so can we bleep that, please?

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, then if they're no longer a sponsor, I can say I don't wear them. So. And I am more.

[Pete Holmes]

We never lied about that. You did.

[Valerie Chaney]

I did. I Used to.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. But it felt like you were like, pete lies in the ads.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I. I was still using that for my. My initial point is, I'm so.

[Pete Holmes]

I overreacted. I'm embarrassed.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm sorry. So familiar with the brand of underwear that I don't even wear. Yes, because you wear enough for 10 soldiers.

[Pete Holmes]

And. Did I? Oh, I did. I told you about that psychic reading I got where they're like, you should wear red underwear every day. That's a. That's a. That's a bridge too far for me. But I do. I. Unfortunately, I heard it. So I do wear red underwear on important days. Any who's a Woozle. Worn socks, by the way, they are a sponsor, and I. Those are the fucking shit, man. I love them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

Get them. Get them Worn. Which is a weird name for a sock company. It sounds like these are worn. Yeah, but they're dope. They're the sock. This is an ad. I'm done. But use promo code. Weird. Here's where I was going with the. Can you mail this letter for me?

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because there's a very funny conclusion to this little aside. I told Carol Leifer that we were talking about, like, when you have Curb youb Enthusiasm moments.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like. I had one. I asked a friend to mail it, and she was offended. Like, for real, not in a fake. You know?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. I mean, it was extremely offended.

[Pete Holmes]

But she was offended.

[Valerie Chaney]

What are you.

[Pete Holmes]

We're close enough that I could be like, why are you offended? And she's like, because it feels. There's got to be a word for this. It's not pedestrian, but it's like. It feels like condescending. It's condescending. Yeah. You're asking me to do clerical work.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. It's like, everybody works. Works for you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like. And I said I would ask you for a cup of milk. I'm asking you for one stamp. Please give me a stamp. In fact, if you had stamps.

[Valerie Chaney]

But it's not even just that. It's like. It's. I almost feel like it would be different if it was like she was coming over. It would be different if she was coming over and you texted beforehand and said, hey, do you have any stamps? I need to mail a letter.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. This is fascinating.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's more.

[Pete Holmes]

If the arrow is going this way and she's at home and I get her there.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. But it's also.

[Pete Holmes]

Could you bring me one stamp? That's fine.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's you know what? It's a perfect. Like. What's the word? Chair.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God. She couldn't think of the word chair earlier. Right after her.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's the perfect intersection between. Easy enough that you should do it yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

But too much to ask a friend to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. Because there's two steps. It's getting a stamp. And let's be real, most of us, I think 99% of America isn't sure if they have stamps. Yeah, 1%. They have a drawer. And it's sheets of them, like deeds or stocks. Like it's like big birth certificate sized sheets of American. Those like every stamp. Like the ones that never decrease in value forever. That's what I would do. By the way. That is my. One bowl, one spoon. I would love a drawer and left to my own.

[Valerie Chaney]

You can.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know you can do that. I try. When I buy stamps.

[Valerie Chaney]

You really buy stamps?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I buy stamps. Yeah. But we ran out of stamps. I don't even know how, but I'm finally needing one. Anyway, this is news. Here's what happened. We're talking about how curb that is. She just texted me that she had lunch with Larry David, told him the story.

[Valerie Chaney]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

And that he loved it.

[Valerie Chaney]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

And that he was riffing on it. Where's my phone?

[Valerie Chaney]

Are you serious?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And she said too bad curb isn't happening because he. It would have been perfect.

[Valerie Chaney]

He.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely. Okay. Hi, Pete, it's your best friend, Carol Leifer. I have to tell you the funny story. Lunch with Larry. And I told him your stamp letter idea. He absolutely loved it. So much so that he started riffing on it that if it was Cheryl and Ted, he could say, oh, you can't mail it. Huh? I know where your mailbox is. It's right outside your house. I thought you would enjoy that. Too bad curb isn't happening. It would have been a home run. What a thrill. That's what Larry is, is there for, is for us with these little peccadillo's that we feel really strongly about that I'm like, what is the big deal? Yeah, take it home with you. You're already going home. You're already mailing letters. Just do it. But I also do understand that it's like, will you.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's just this thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Like it's like, will you zip up my bag for me? There's something wrong about it.

[Valerie Chaney]

There's something wrong about it. And it is that exact unspoken sort of social thing that curb always points out where it really is. You're not wrong, Walter. You're just an asshole kind of thing. You're like, I guess technically you are right. It's not a big deal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

But, yeah, there. It's just not the done thing. And we've all sort of. There's implications to it, which is like, I really did know a person growing up, one of my dad's best friends, who really did sort of treat everyone like they worked for him. Like he had no problem just delegating his entire life to people. And there were things where it was like, he left his medic. He came to visit in New York, and he left his medication. And I was in New York, and then I find myself literally having to go pick his medication up and mail it to. And I'm like, I barely. I'm not. I barely know him. But, yes, you know, it was just like, how do you always find situations where somebody has to do something?

[Pete Holmes]

That's my mom. She remember when we were in the LA place and she came and visited, or they came and she gave Leela. No, she brought, like, a book for Leela, and then she left it at a restaurant.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, that's amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

And then asked me to go to the restaurant to get the book.

[Valerie Chaney]

I forgot.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you remember?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like. I was Ariella. I was like, no, it's a. Like, I can understand. It was, like, across town. It was not a chill drive. It wasn't easy because you just lost your wallet. We could tell that story. I love this story.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I love that story.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me. Let me finish. Yeah, we'll close this half with the wallet story, which is a great. I'm so stoked that I remembered the wallet story. It also illustrates that we will get in a car to do reasonable things, but not. And I remember saying to my mom, I'm like, that's not a gift. That's an errand. Like, I might as well just go drive to a bookstore and buy the book, right?

[Valerie Chaney]

When you give someone a gift, this is another curve, your enthusiasm moment. Because you go, when you give someone a gift, it's still your responsibility until.

[Pete Holmes]

I have it to.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, to the delivering of the gift. And then I could totally see Larry being like, I delivered the gift. You opened the gift. Now it's your issue.

[Pete Holmes]

It's your problem.

[Valerie Chaney]

You are responsible for it.

[Pete Holmes]

If I. If you gave me the book and then I left it at a restaurant, I couldn't ask the person who gave me the gift to go get it, because as soon as it leaves their hands and touches mine it is now my book.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my gift. Yeah, that's a good curb. Yeah, that's a very good curb. Here's my last. I can't believe it's not butter, but I can't believe. I have another point about the letter thing, but I remember Jay Larson, who I love. We talk about. I don't remember why we were talking about this, but he's from Boston. I think there's something Bostony about this. There's things that you can do where you look kind of cool and it puts you in a good mood.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I know where we're going with this.

[Pete Holmes]

You do?

[Valerie Chaney]

I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. He said if he had, like a general meeting, let's say at wme. It's an agency. It's my agency. Anyway, if you went to that building, and these are big, impressive buildings in Beverly Hills, it's. It's the place where they offer you water and, you know, like, snacks and it's nice. It's a real building, real office. And he said something that I like to do is if I have a letter I need to mail. I think it does have a stamp. In this case, it does have a stamp, but he said it made me feel like a million bucks. It's not just cool, it's like we love feeling like grown ups. Like the way our fathers. My father certainly is like the mayor of Somerville and, like, goes in places and knows who to say hi to and they give him a cookie or whatever it is. Like, there's like a familiarity, but there's like a, you belong here. You're cool. But you also have some ownership of a space.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very like dad to us. So we like that. So Jay said he had a meeting, he had a letter on his way out. He gave it to the. The front desk and said, would you add this to your outgoing mail, please? And they're like, of course. It's literally a pile on their desk. It's not a big deal. But it makes you feel because those buildings, like courthouses, are designed to make you feel less than.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

WME is like, we're made of white marble. What are you made of? Like, that's what it's saying.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why you can have. You can woo clients, but it's also to, like, scare your competition and all this stuff.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So saying, will you mail this for me? Gives you just a little bit of ownership of this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, I belong here. My mail goes out here.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, they mail my mail. I used to Go and visit my agent, Marla at Innovative in New York, who I still love Marla Hout. She's amazing. And Alan, I loved everybody at Innovative. Anyway, I used to go there and I would open Marla's mail, and it was the most intimate. We loved it because she didn't want. It was all these, like, cold calling people. So I would open headshots, and sometimes I would be like, this guy looks really interesting. And, you know, would advocate for people and. But it was a very intimate, obviously not sexual, but intimate way. Usually you go to an office, like Innovative, and you're scared, but I'm so comfortable. You know, it started by, like, sitting down at her desk. That's the beginning. Then it goes like, what is this mail? And now. And now it's a bit like, if we ever text or email, she still says, I miss opening mail with you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was fun. So it's got a little bit of that flavor. But what I'm gonna concede here is the reason that feels nice is asking. Now, wme not a person, but a place to mail your mail is the slightest win for you. So me asking Ariella to mail my mail is an imposition. Is a like a dick kind of thing. It's just like, a little bit too much in your space.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You mail this from me. Mail your rent goes in the mail like you mail this. I completely see her point.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, totally. I think there is that. I do think there is also, like, an unspoken male, female thing happening.

[Pete Holmes]

Male.

[Valerie Chaney]

Male.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called male for a reason.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And isn't mailman a little redundant? Stupid.

[Valerie Chaney]

Male. Male. Male.

[Pete Holmes]

It's male carrier, by the way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. There's sort of like a secretary kind of vibe to. To a man asking woman to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

What's funny is that's no gender is at play.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sam, her partner. Will you mail this for me? He'd be like, who cares?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Also, there is sort of one thing that makes the relationship with this couple work is that, like, Sam and I are very similar in a lot of ways. And you and Ariella are very similar.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was asking the me of that relationship. I should have asked the you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, you should have asked the vow of that relationship. Sam is the type of person who texts when he's on the way to the grocery store.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't need anything.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sam is who you call if your car breaks down.

[Valerie Chaney]

Exactly. Literally, I called him. My car broke down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And no offense to me or Ariella, you don't call us because we'll be like, is uber black okay?

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, Ariella is my emergency contact for a lot of. She's a great.

[Pete Holmes]

She's better than that. She's better than I am. And of course, I. In fact, that takes us into our story. I am not as curmudgeonly in that regard. Who cares? We went. We were in Salt Lake City.

[Valerie Chaney]

Do we need to go to the mid. Oh, the minerals.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, we should go to the minerals when we come back. Yeah, we're gonna tell this story.

[Valerie Chaney]

Salacious. Salt Lake City.

[Pete Holmes]

Salt Lake. Because we went to get ice cream. Some of the best. Stay tuned just for us. Talking about the ice cream we had.

[Valerie Chaney]

Do you want to hear two food addicts talk about the best ice cream ice cream they've ever had?

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus, you guys don't even know how excited I'm gonna be talking about this ice cream. Oh, that's not what you're picturing. I know you're picturing. You're picturing some sort of, like, forkable ice cream where there's, like, cake in it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. You and spoons and forks.

[Pete Holmes]

Right now I'm saying there's certain, like, chunky soup, so. Or you can eat it with a fork. It's not chunky soup ice cream. It's actually the opposite. It's like a Japanese hotel room minimalist ice cream. And you're not.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't give it away.

[Pete Holmes]

I won't give it away. There's only two little ads here, I think. Oh, wait, I actually don't know. I don't know.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, so you get to find out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I haven't done. No, I have. We'll all find out together what's about to happen. You tell me. Here they are. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage.

[Katie]

This episode is brought to us by our friends at dad Grass. I am obsessed with leisure drink because, as you know, probably from listening to the show, I don't drink alcohol anymore. But I occasionally enjoy the hemp arts. And dad Grass makes the best hemp arts. They didn't ask me to say hemp arts. I'm saying hemp arts. They make leisure drink, which is not only one of the tastiest beverages I've ever had in my life, with, like, yuzu flavor. It's unbelievable. But it's also the perfect dose of hemp. Not too little, not too much to loosen you up and let you settle into a social event. Holding a can of something frosty in your hand. So I don't feel left out. I'm feeling light. I'M feeling fun. I'm laughing more. I'm loosening up. Thanks to our friends at dad Grass who like me, noticed that weed was too damn strong so they made a perfect stackable beverage that is delicious, sparkling and finally, when there's a casual, light hearted way to have fun and relax your body and your mind with your friends, I've been putting my leisure drinks out at parties. I've been sipping them during family movie nights because it's mild. It's just a little lightness, not falling into a black hole of oblivion where I can laugh at things a little easier, enjoy family movies like the Parent Trap, which is what it was, and eating pizza with my family but not eating the entire pizza because I'm completely stoned out of my mind. It's only 3 milligrams of THC, 6 milligrams of CBD and 2,200 milligrams of Lion's Mane per can, which really helps the dose feel nice in your body. It's mild, it's happy and relaxed, absolutely no hangover, stackable for a bigger buzz and fast acting. So get leisure drinks and all of dad Grass's products including joints and gummies go to dadgrass.com weird use promo code weird for 20% off. That's dadgrass.com weird promo code weird for 20% off we're also brought to us.

[Pete Holmes]

By our friends at Tushy.

[Katie]

Mothers change as many as 6,000 diapers per baby. So let's let the woman of the house get a hall pass when it comes to wiping her own butt. That's right. A bidet is the mother. Day is the mother. Excuse me, it's the mother of all Mother's Day gifts. Baby that Bottom with Wave, Cloud plus and Aura by Tushy Bidet. These are the everyday luxury bidets that instantly transform your bathroom habits and bottom health for life. I don't understand why in 2025 we're still just wiping our butts with paper. If you had poop on your hand, you would wash it off. It's the same with your butt. Get a warm, comfortable blast of water straight at your butthole. Clean as a whistle. It's like power blasting dry leaves out of your driveway. The with a high powered hose. A Tushy bidet is an absolute game changer. There is no going back. It's easy, it's fast and once you try it, your life will never be the same. I thought it would be weird. It's not weird. I thought it couldn't find what it's supposed to find. No, it finds it right away. I thought, there's no other way now to poop. It feels primitive any other way. This is like a midday shower in five seconds with every poo the way God intended. So reclaim your comfort zone in the bathroom for. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off your first bidet order when you use code weird at checkout. That's 10% off your first [e-mail] with promo code weird.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, all right, we're back.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back.

[Valerie Chaney]

And the ice cream story does have an interesting. It has multi dimensions. It's not just we both had the best ice cream experience.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that wouldn't be worth bringing up.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. This isn't a food critique.

[Valerie Chaney]

You start how you are going to start. Start. We're in Salt Lake City.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we wrapped the movie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll briefly say that the movie's called St. Peter and it was the most, first, easiest and funnest film experience I've ever had. It was also the most challenging. And Josh, in a good way. In a good way, Challenging.

[Valerie Chaney]

Fulfilling.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's the word. Was creatively fulfilling. It was me and Judy Greer, Christian Convery and Josh Clausner wrote it. And Harvey. I'm always going to say his name wrong. It's not Gulian, but it looked G U, I, L L E N, I believe.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

With an. With a accent.

[Valerie Chaney]

Guillermo, from what we do in the shadows.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. And Salt Lake is only an hour and a half from where we live by. By bus, by airplane. So it was the best. I never had a movie go faster than you thought. And every day I'd wake up, there were these big emotional scenes and I literally was, you know, sitting alone, listening to no Hard Feelings by the Avett Brothers and Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah and the Ballad of Love and Hate by the Avid brothers on a loop. Just trying to stay sad, watching Manchester by the Sea over and over certain scenes. Just trying to stay sad, doing these scenes, but literally having moments. Sorry, I'm sort of telling the story. I had a scene where I really had to be having, like, almost like a breakdown and prepping for it. And they're like, we'll be ready for you in 30 minutes. So I was listening to sad music. I was watching sad things. I was just staying, almost like rocking, staying in this, like, wet heart space. 30 minutes goes by. I'm primed, I'm perfect. I'm exactly ready. They need another 30 minutes. And when I say I dried up, I felt my tear ducts and my emotions and my heart. Everything just went away.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that feeling of like. You know what it feels like when you're like, in a zone? And I got out of the zone and I literally. And I love moments like this happens every time I tape a stand up special. There's always one moment of like, I don't know if I can do this. There was a real moment of like, what if I don't do it? Everyone will know. It's one of these scenes where you're like, everyone will know if you can't do it. It's like doing an impression of Bill Clinton. Everyone's gonna know if it's wrong. And I'm doing the scene and. But it did come back. But the point of the story was pushing past a moment of, I don't think I can do this. And I'm getting better at. In real time, going like, this is part of it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, this is exactly part of it.

[Pete Holmes]

You're right on schedule. You're supposed to go, I don't think I can do this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And actually, this is your life. Try to enjoy it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Real time. Looking back almost while it's happening, going like, this is good. It's gonna motivate you. And it did. Anyway, we wrapped St. Peter. Val is here. Val and Lila visited one time. And then Val came alone. And obviously we've been talking about Lila constantly. And when it's just us, we can't believe it. We're like, I can't believe we're sitting still.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like it's just a miracle.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

We went to dinner. My friend, the second A.D. chris, recommended this place. We went.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think we could say what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called Barnum. And it was in Salt Lake City.

[Valerie Chaney]

One of the best meals. Meals of our entire lives.

[Pete Holmes]

It was unbelievable.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbelievable.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like it's an Izakaya place, but it's almost exclusively gluten free, which for all my gluties out there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

That is so rare because soy sauce everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Soy sauce, the unnecessary ruiner for the gluten person. Because tamari is just as well.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it was so delicious. And yeah, we are just to add to what you're saying, I won't do realist, but, like, we can't even believe how good it feels to just be alone doing whatever we want to do. We're getting the most insight, insanely good sleep of our lives. Really rested, really using a lot of.

[Pete Holmes]

That rested energy, literally talking to a painful extent of how much we miss Leela.

[Valerie Chaney]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's also like, in a relationship, it's great to, like, miss them.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I can't and see her clearer. We're like, I love it. Like, I have no notes on this person.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. So we had this incredible meal, and then I looked up an ice cream place, and the only ice cream place there was was called normal ice cream. This is not a sponsor. It's not an ad, but it might be a chain. I don't know. We went and there was, like, a line out the door. We're like, this is awesome. Now we are going to talk about the ice cream.

[Valerie Chaney]

So buckle up.

[Pete Holmes]

Buckle up. We'll try to keep it to under five minutes, but you said it. You know how McDonald's soft serve is almost like. Is this a melted so white baseball helmet?

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, the thing gets.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like plastic, and it's almost like caulk. Like, it's too thick. You could, like, you could fix a toilet with it. Like, seal it to the ground with this ice cream. Oh, my God. I'm fucking freaking out. And it was. Turns out it was one of those kind of places where, like, you want to get just, like, I'm fucking dying. You want to get, like, just the vanilla.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My mouth is watering so hard. You get the vanilla and you think, this will be fine. But sometimes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Gulp.

[Pete Holmes]

But sometimes ice cream is like, triple ice cream.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, one ice cream. Like, it should be kind of, like, thin. It's like the thickest paste. And I'm eating it with Cocoa Pebbles on it and a chocolate dip. And I'm eating it and I'm fucking. You got a strawberry mix.

[Valerie Chaney]

I made a mistake. I made a mistake, guys. So this is where there's some dimensions.

[Pete Holmes]

To the story, and we agreed that fruit is always a mistake.

[Valerie Chaney]

Fruit is always a mistake. I've always been a chocolate girl. 100%. I'm getting coffee. I'm getting toffee. I'm getting chocolate.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt bad the whole time.

[Valerie Chaney]

I. And I. And I love also, more than anything, a dipped cone.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. And I got a dipped cup. Oh.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I didn't think that was possible until after I already ordered and everything was moving fast. And there was a line, and I just, like, ordered this special tea, like, strawberry with balsamic.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounds horrible. What you just said sounds horrible. I think it was good.

[Valerie Chaney]

It was good.

[Pete Holmes]

It just wasn't as good as mine isn't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, I. And and it was like freeze dried strawberries and strawberry meringue.

[Pete Holmes]

It was very good.

[Valerie Chaney]

I was like, I want to get something special that I could only get here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

But then like as I was eating it, I was like, well, I just remembered I don't even like strawberry ice cream. Which is what the that turned into.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I like it more than you do.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean. Yeah, you do. I don't like strawberry ice cream.

[Pete Holmes]

You just kind of whiffed it, which was fine.

[Valerie Chaney]

Totally whiffed it.

[Pete Holmes]

You just can't compete with vanilla. Triple vanilla ice cream with. That's not what they call it. Triple vanilla. It's beautiful. It's like, it is so many ice creams in one ice cream.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then Cocoa Pebbles. It was unfucking.

[Valerie Chaney]

And if you knew how close I was to saying because I ordered first than you ordered.

[Pete Holmes]

You almost said Jamie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Almost. I was so close to going, actually, I just want exactly what he got.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And if I had, I know everything would have been different.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the real story though. The ice cream was the kind of ice cream that you go like, you know when you get ice cream, you're like, oh, I see why this is a revolution. And anyone that's bumping on the fact that I'm mostly eat a lot of vegan food. Yeah, I don't think anyone, I don't think anybody cares that.

[Valerie Chaney]

I just think nobody believes that you're vegan. You're the only one still going.

[Pete Holmes]

I know I'm the only one that says that. Here's, here's what I'm going to. I'm going to. I eat a lot of vegan food. That's what I'm going to say.

[Valerie Chaney]

It only gets mentioned when you're not doing it. So it really seems like I, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Love veganism and I eat a lot of vegan food, but boy, I do cheat so often that maybe I should just stop saying it. Mostly vegetarian, sometimes not. Who cares? This is such a snooze. Here's what happened. We ate the ice cream, we go about, we go home. You look in your bag. You don't have your wallet.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. So I noticed right away I don't have my wallet. And I, we had been so many places. We had been.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

On set where I was on this couch where we like, I had like.

[Pete Holmes]

A man eater couch.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like a man eater, leather couch, anything. And that was the joke throughout the day. It kept eating our, our Comtex. Like it kept, like, we kept dropping things down and shining flashlights.

[Pete Holmes]

Bermuda Triangle of Big leather couches.

[Valerie Chaney]

So I was like, it's probably on that couch. We. I have my text.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I stop you?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When something is missing, like, you go, my wallet, my wallet is gone.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I, I, to your credit, I quoted Seinfeld. I went, my wallet's gone. My wallet's gone. And you laugh. And I was like, we're going to be okay. It's fine.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Pete and Val. It's going to be great. I. This is how I go. It's either in this room or it's gone forever.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, well, that's. I immediately go to cancel the cards. I think that point make the DMV appointment.

[Valerie Chaney]

That probably points to how little you've lost things. Not only have I been leaving purses and jackets and wallets all over America for like since I was like 10.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

But my dad also does that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie Chaney]

So my whole life we've been going back to restaurants, going all. So I sort of, I did. I was like, I said, by the end of it, I was 60. 40. I was 60. We will find it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? I was 8020. We won't find it.

[Valerie Chaney]

So. And I kept being like, thank God the, Because of the real ID thing, I had to bring my passport. Otherwise that really would have been a big deal if I had lost my id.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, look, little sidebar here. I am a big Apple. And I didn't say this in the moment. I'm not a Pete splainer, but I do have apple tags on almost everything.

[Valerie Chaney]

And you did say that in the moment. And I did appreciate it.

[Pete Holmes]

I did.

[Valerie Chaney]

You said it after.

[Pete Holmes]

I said it after we found it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't deliver the waited until. And you just spoiled the story.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, yeah. But okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't actually think anyone's listening for the, the beats of this story.

[Valerie Chaney]

The thrill of it.

[Pete Holmes]

But we. I was like, very proud. I was like, it's fine, let's just get in the car. And without a six year old with us. We were shocked at how manageable a small problem was. We were like, right, let's just go in the car. By the way. Just going in the car. Let's get the six year old's shoes back on.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. Oh. She would have been like, I don't want to go. Just leave me here. Let me stay alone. Like it would have been such a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we did get in the car and we drove. I. I felt like Jason Bourne. I was like, okay, the ice cream place closes in 30 minutes. We'll go there first.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We texted set, we called the Uber driver we took home.

[Valerie Chaney]

So there were like four places it could have been. Five maybe it was like three different places on set that it could have been. Or the restaurant or the Uber.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And, like. But we're like, let's just start with.

[Pete Holmes]

The last place was the easiest one. We text him. There's a million people that can look for it. It's not there. Yeah. At this point, I'm like, it's definitely gone.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go as. I. I don't know why I'm an optimistic person, but in my mind, I'm like, this is just doing something. So you feel like you did everything you could.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We drive to the ice cream place. I'm parked out front. You go in, five seconds later, you come back and you slam the wallet on the window. And we were like.

[Valerie Chaney]

And we have a picture all posted.

[Pete Holmes]

This was it's life.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's worth it to lose the wallet. To feel so good.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Not to be so Pete about it, but, like, Jesus tells three parables about losing things. The last coin, the last son, and I forget what. The lost sheep. So the feeling of losing something and then finding it is and has always been the best feeling.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's the best.

[Pete Holmes]

And we were like. That's when I mentioned, like, you might want to put an apple tag in it. Much later.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was just so happy that, like. And then later, we were thinking about it. We were like, after you have a baby. I don't mean like raising a baby. I mean, give birth. You and I stayed up mostly you, obviously, but, like, we were up for two days straight.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in pain. The scariest thing in the world. Cars, things. Sleeping on the. On a chair, all that stuff. You're like, after you do that, you're.

[Valerie Chaney]

Kind of like, nothing's a big deal.

[Pete Holmes]

Wallet, small. It. Like.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know, let's just. Not just that, but everything that's happened in the six years since that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, having a kid is so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

That and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It works. The muscle of. Well, it's kind of inconvenient. We were still home and watching murder mystery by the end of it, and.

[Valerie Chaney]

And we felt more elated than ever because there was a success. Like, we had had the best night already. We had an amazing dinner. You had wrapped, and we were feeling good. We were celebrating. Some of us had perfect ice cream.

[Pete Holmes]

And then.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then we have this success story of like, oh no, something's gone terribly wrong. Wait a minute. No, it hasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like the lation. And now I will just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a feeling that's reserved for peril.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that. That's what we're always talking about on this podcast. When I had my big scene and I was scared I couldn't do it. That's pulling the string back on the bow. And then you feel a feeling you could only fast. You need it. You need to go, where's my wallet? And then when you find it, even you guys listening to this story, it's not really about finding a wallet. It's about that there's a paywall in our feelings that go, you actually need to pay me up front in fear or inconvenience at least. And then I'll get you the top shelf.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right. And then the real highlight for me, anytime this has happened. And again, you know, I'm the type of person that this kind of thing happens to.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's also your love language to be chill about it.

[Valerie Chaney]

But that's what I mean is like I in my previous marriage. And look, it's not easy to live with somebody like me. And by the way, I'm not doing this all the time. But I didn't say you do it all the time in my.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't remember the last time you did it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Thank you. And in my early 20s when I was married the first time I was doing it all the time because I was in my early 20s and I'm already have like a proclivity towards this kind of life. So that made my first husband insane. Like he's the. He's like a Taurus. He's the type of person who like his love language is having your together.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I'm sure there are people who are listening now who I love and are would are lovely people who would also stand by my ex husband's side of things. I totally see that side of things. I just can't be married to somebody like that because then I constantly feel like I'm in trouble because I'm always fucking up.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what was great when I was shooting the heart scene and realized this is your life, this is good. It's good to feel challenged. Enjoy it when you lost your wallet. And again, that's. I know that's a small thing, but it was nice that it was real time. I went, this is an opportunity to love Valerie. That isn't, you know, you can always tell when I'm faking my feelings. I could easily go into a real place of like, this isn't a big deal. Let's get in the car. And I think I even said, it's an adventure.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's an adventure. You were so sweet about it. And it really. And I like, apologize too much about it, like, because I'm still a little bit shook from.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Shell shocked.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And I was just like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You know, and you, every time, you were just like, this is no problem. This is fun. Let's get the car. It's no big deal.

[Pete Holmes]

And we will remember it. And it was like when we got flat tire coming home from the airport.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we resist these things. And then at the end of the day, those are. That. Turns out that was your life.

[Valerie Chaney]

That was your life. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Turns out that was it.

[Valerie Chaney]

While you're waiting for someone to come change your tire.

[Pete Holmes]

So in summation, real quick, what?

[Valerie Chaney]

Also just to put a button on the ice cream thing, when I went in to find my wallet, I saw that they had floats.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie Chaney]

And they were making, like, the most delicious looking, like, pink drink out of, like, a potion bottle. Pouring that over the perfect vanilla ice cream. And I was just like, man, I up.

[Pete Holmes]

Look for a normal. It's called normal ice cream. That is not a paid promotion. No, that's just. What else are we loving? Oh, the studio.

[Valerie Chaney]

Obviously we're loving the studio.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that might be it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. In some issue. That's all we're loving.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's all we love is the studio and normal ice cream.

[Pete Holmes]

I was excited that I could bring this up because this is the kind of thing that I can only tell you on the podcast because it's so boring. Jk. But it's so weird to bring it up. The final part of the Malcolm Gladwell Laundry episode. Turns out that he does all this research and it's a delightful episode. I recommend you listen to it. But here's the punchline. And if you don't want the punchline, you can turn this up off here. But because this is a spoiler, I guess. But it's just good. Everyone needs to know this. Turns out that the reason why, like, it's something like 80%. This will be me remembering it, but it's like 80% of what makes laundry so, like, environmentally terrible or difficult or, you know, challenging is washing with warm or hot water. Like, it's the. It's the cost, it's the carbon, whatever. Of heating all, like, so much water. And also the detergent you use is super important. And he makes this really unexpected because you would think that Malcolm Gladwell is like, a real, like, natural this and that. Turns out, like, natural detergents often like sud more and that ends up using more water because washing. Washing machine should shut off when there's no more suds. So they're, like, trying to, like, get this earth based. I don't mean to scoff at that. They're trying. But the ones. And he was like, cold water is, you know, so much better. So if it's 80% is hot, I don't know how much better it is. She's like, if you use cold water, which I do. The reason I do is because you don't have to separate. But it turns out that's a huge, huge life hack for environmental purposes. And then he's like. And then Tide makes a cold formula that washes just as well in cold. So he was, like, all in on these, like, kind of big chemical companies. And he was like, they're geniuses. They, like, go in and figure out, like, what breaks down mustard in cold water. And if everyone use cold water, we would have a huge step forward in the environment.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wow. Love it.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, from a lazy perspective, it's just easier to use cold.

[Valerie Chaney]

So you're going to start doing your own laundry. Thank you. All right. Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

I did buy cold formula Tide for.

[Valerie Chaney]

You yet to use laundry.

[Pete Holmes]

What's weird is when I was shooting the movie, I was in my little apartment in Salt Lake, and I did do my own laundry.

[Valerie Chaney]

Can't wait. Love to hear that. So you just got to keep this momentum up. Okay, I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna have my own bowl and my own spoon, and then I want my own washer and dryer that I do my laundry in.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, your laundry is 90% of the laundry. So you can. You can do that. You can just have your own laundry days where you're washing only your clothes, and I'll wash mine and Leela's.

[Pete Holmes]

And as a concession, it lives in the dryer. When I'm done, that's the hamper. That's where the clothes are. Like Brett Goldstein's great bit on his new special that is called checking out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Second best night of your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Second best night of your life. When I heard that bit or you told me the bit, I was like, thank you. That's how I feel. It's already in a place. Why would I move it to a second place.

[Valerie Chaney]

It did make me feel like if you're married to one comedian, you're married to all comedians.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because that's the most you thing I've ever, ever heard.

[Pete Holmes]

It is the most me thing I've ever heard, too, so it turns out. Oh, and Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson is not here in Toronto, but Jay McCarroll, who's the other half of Nirvana show, is here in Toronto with us, and we can't wait to meet him.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And thanks to all the weirdos that are coming out tonight.

[Valerie Chaney]

Can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess that's it.

[Valerie Chaney]

All right, babies, keep it crispy.