We Made It Weird #219

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – "We Made It Weird #219"

Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie Chaney
Date: May 30, 2025

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Episode Overview

In episode #219 of "We Made It Weird," Pete Holmes and his wife/regular co-host Valerie Chaney dive into a lighthearted, deeply personal, and playful conversation centered on their family's recent weird moments, pop culture nostalgia, spiritual musings, and the comedy of everyday parenting. The episode is filled with Pete and Val’s signature banter—jokes, impressions, and riffs on everything from cereals and biblical parables to health food store culture and 90s movies.

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1. Opening Riffs and Show Banter

(00:15–08:09)

• Pete and Val riff on podcasting logistics, taking weeks off, and fan appreciation, setting a casual, welcoming vibe.
• Pete launches into a Robert De Niro impression, focusing on how it’s “all in the face,” to Val’s playful annoyance.
  • Quote: “I hate what your face is doing.” – Val (01:08)
• Amusing exchanges about facial impressions, acting books, and comedic bits about De Niro’s acting face.
• Conversation about Pete’s live tour dates—sold-out shows and cities on his list.

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2. The Value of “Val”

(08:09–09:52)

• Pete jokes that people “need their Valerie fix,” with Val agreeing she’s the “celery in the stew”—an essential, if underrated, ingredient in listeners’ weeks.
• They extend the food metaphor: Pete’s childhood stories of “dog do stew” and the inherent weirdness of being a kid.

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3. “Cereal Stew” and the Hearty Breakfast Debate

(09:52–13:38)

• The duo playfully theorizes about a “stew” version of cereal, debating what would count (oatmeal, shredded wheat, hearty ingredients).
• Pete & Val riff on old-school breakfast cereals, “the meal in a pill” fantasy, and biblical wordplay on “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.”
  • Notable Bit: Pete’s dad’s bedtime saying: “Shadrach, hit the sack, and to bed you go.” (13:27)

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4. Spiritual Musings & Bible Parables

(13:38–23:30)

• The conversation pivots to Pete’s surprising knowledge of the Bible, Christian upbringings, and using parables for life wisdom.
• Pete explains the “Prodigal Son” in terms of life’s purpose:
  • Quote: “The point is to squander your inheritance… to get lost. Use it up.” – Pete (16:27)
• Discussion of the Parable of the Talents: risking and investing in life vs. playing it safe.
• Touching on the limits of religious upbringing, the ways people remember or forget scripture, and “holding on to it out of fear.”

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5. Pop Culture—Movies, Impressions, and Timeless Scenes

(23:30–39:03)

• Pete, at Val’s prompting, does impressions including Robert California (“Everything is sex, Dwight”) and muses on the art of impressions vs. stage volume.
• Both hosts riff about Tom Cruise in Magnolia and questions for Paul Thomas Anderson.
• They lament the over-quoting and now-cliché impressions of Forrest Gump, deciding which lines are still “in play.”
  • Quote: “You can sit here if you want to. Seats taken.” – Pete & Val (34:35)
• Side tangent on the classic 90s “film cuts” (e.g., shrimp scenes in Forrest Gump), questioning which storytelling devices have aged well.

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6. The Flower Duet Synchronicity & Movie Serendipity

(28:13–33:12)

• Callback to a previous episode where they forgot the name of “Flower Duet.”
• They recount watching “Murder Mystery 2” and, just after referencing the song, the film’s characters do the same, resulting in a weird, synchronous moment.
  • Quote: Adam Sandler's character in the film: “What is this song even called?” (32:07)
• Pete and Val muse on how synchronicities happen, from magical thinking to subconscious patterning.

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7. Nostalgia, 90s Comfort & Health Food Store Riffs

(41:04–48:32)

• Extended meditations on the cozy, “cul-de-sac and Beanie Babies” feeling of the 90s.
• Segue into health food stores of the past: wax paper, foot-pressed tofu, “bad” health food memories.
  • Quote: “Everything’s in wax paper. Couldn’t get through a day without tying up wax paper and string.” – Pete (47:49)
• Jokes about the cultural friction of being both Christian and hippie, vegan sandwiches, and old-school grocery tropes.

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8. Parenting Story – Lila’s Allergic Reaction Adventure

(50:54–64:01)

• The Story:
  • Lila (their daughter) is stung by a wasp and experiences a severe allergic reaction.
  • Pete and Val narrate the panic and problem-solving: Benadryl (accidentally expired), urgent care, and ER visits, evoking both drama and humor.
  • Commentary on the absurdity and bureaucracy of urgent care ("They’re dressed like doctors, but send you away").
  • Pete’s “dad flex”: questioning whether to follow the urgent care suggestion to drive 30 minutes to a pediatric ER, instead trusting his gut to choose the nearest one.
    • Quote: “‘Isn’t time of the essence?’ ‘Yeah, you should go to United.’” – Pete recalling the urgent care staff (58:32)
  • Val’s “mom flex”: pushing to the front of the urgent care line to advocate for Lila.
  • Relief as Lila is treated successfully and charmed all the nurses.
  • Quote: “The best you can hope for your kid is not that they never have experiences like that, but that they get through and it’s just… a good story.” – Val (64:01)

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9. Reflections on Parenting, Attachment, and the Weight of Love

(64:01–66:07)

• Pete and Val relate how parenting is “terrifying because you love someone so much.”
• Emotional openness about wanting to “guarantee” their child’s safety, and gratitude for modern medicine.
• “Parenting is… caring about something 100 million times more than you care about yourself.” – Pete (64:11)

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10. Candid Camera, Pop Culture, and the Spirit of the Podcast

(65:07–67:19)

• Nostalgia for Candid Camera and the innocence of old prank shows; jokes about marks who never know the show’s name (“Completely Concealed Camera”).
• The episode ends in a musical riff about naps and what’s for lunch, returning to joyful, everyday weirdness.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “People need Val. I need Val.” – Pete (00:39)
• “That's the thrill of being a child—you're just like, here it is.” – Pete (10:07)
• “Use it up. Smoke it up. The point is to get confused and broken and get your heart broken… none of it is a mistake.” – Pete (16:27)
• “Everything was waxed and tied.” – Pete (47:59)
• “The ER is like the DMV, but wet.” – Pete (60:31)
• “It’s so hard to care about something 100 million times more than you care about yourself.” – Pete (64:11)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Robert De Niro riff & intro: 00:15–02:44
• Celery-in-the-stew/weird kid stories: 08:22–10:33
• Cereal as stew and shredded wheat: 11:12–13:38
• Bible parables - Prodigal Son & Talents: 13:38–23:30
• Murder Mystery / Flower Duet coincidence: 28:13–33:12
• 90s nostalgia & health food store riffs: 41:04–48:32
• Lila's allergic reaction & ER story: 50:54–64:01

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is a seamless blend of lighthearted weirdness, stand-up-worthy bits, earnest parenting, and spiritual insight. Pete and Valerie’s banter is affectionate, neurotic, and self-aware, making room for both authentic vulnerability and sharp comedy. The balance between infectious levity and genuine reflection keeps both longtime “Weirdos” and new listeners engaged.

If you missed the episode:
You’ll get Pete and Val’s classic dynamic—goofy jokes about cereal, nostalgic riffs on 90s pop culture, sharp takes on Bible stories, and a dramatic yet humorous account of a family ER scare. The weird, heartfelt, and spontaneous conversation is the true "secret weirdness" that makes the show beloved.

Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it weird. You made it with. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You made it with. Yes. You made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[A]

What's happening, weirdos?

[B]

What's happening, weirdos? We're so glad you're here.

[A]

We're back.

[B]

You know, sometimes we take a week off if the Wednesday episode, the guest episode, is, like, rather popular, which is like, oh, maybe we'll take the week off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this week's episode is quite popular. It's Matt Berninger from the national, which was amaze. But we were like, we're not taking two weeks, huh?

[A]

No, we gotta be here for the babies.

[B]

We gotta be here for the babies. I said. And I say this in the episode. I was like, people need Val. I need Val. Well, I feel good having done this episode.

[A]

Well, well, well.

[B]

People say. People say. What did I say? It's Robert De Niro. What did I say? They're out there talking about my movies. Well, is that good? Yeah, I felt like that was good. Well, I felt like that was good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People. Well, you realize they asked me about Taxi Driver. Well, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's good. I was trying to close my eyes because I hate what your face is doing.

[B]

I mean, you have to make this face to be Robert De Niro.

[A]

Well, no, I really.

[B]

Irishman. They redid my face. They did it differently, I can't tell you.

[A]

It's not that I hated your face. It's that I hate making him. I never think of an impression of him as, like, an audio experience.

[B]

Yeah, it's just the face.

[A]

It's pretty much just the face.

[B]

You make the theater face, but it's the frowning one. That's De Niro. That's De Niro.

[A]

That's so good.

[B]

He was like, I'm gonna get into acting. And then he saw like.

[A]

And he's like, which one do I choose?

[B]

He got, like, the only book on acting, and it was just those faces. And he was like, this is a great scene. He tries the smile one. He's like. And he's like. And then he does the frowny one. He's like, you talking to me? You talking to me? It must be talking to me. And a career was born.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

He never even cracked the book open.

[B]

And then he just put it back. That he didn't need any more.

[A]

He didn't need any more.

[B]

Hot intro riff.

[A]

Hot intro riff.

[B]

We're still in the intro.

[A]

I know. And that was better than anything in the episode.

[B]

It might have been I really liked it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not to say that this episode doesn't have some great stuff. And we're great, great stuff, and we're glad you're here. And what is it? What do we got to say now?

[A]

We gotta say if you like to support the show.

[B]

Oh, yeah, well, I'm on. I'm on the road, too.

[A]

Before that.

[B]

On the road.

[A]

You're on the road.

[B]

Nashville. Sold out. I really appreciate it, everybody.

[A]

Six shows.

[B]

All 60 shows sold out. Irvine, California is next, followed by San Jose. We have another Los Angeles show. Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan. Washington, D.C. boston, New Hampshire. Spokane, Washington. St. Louis. Cleveland. Homestead, Pennsylvania. Atlantic City, NJ.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And we'll be adding, as I always say, New York. We're going to be adding New York very soon.

[A]

I've never been to New Hampshire.

[B]

New Hampshire.

[A]

New Hampshire, New Hampshire.

[B]

But we're glad you're here. And the show is supported by things that we actually use and actually love. So before we get into the meat of the episode. Yuck.

[A]

He's a little appetizer.

[B]

Here's an appetizer to pleaser. Oh, my God. Is that the Blue Album by Weezer? Here's the. The. The ads. But they. We like these things, so try them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element. You probably hear about Element a lot on other podcasts. I know I do. And I want to be really clear. I love it. This isn't just an ad. It's changed my life. It's changed my morning routine. It's changed my hydration strategy. And they now have lemonade salt. Sometimes Element, you drink it. You know there's salt in it. I'm gonna say lemonade salt. You drink it and you wonder if there's salt in it. It tastes good. Incredible. It is like the best lemonade I've ever had. But it has the optimum ratios for hydration. We're talking about sodium, magnesium, and potassium in the perfect doses that your body is flooded. You can feel every cell is flooded with optimum hydration, and water isn't enough. You got to get electrolytes into your body. And what are electrolytes? We're talking about salt, talking about potassium, talking about magnesium. So don't drink some soda after your game or after your workout. Drink Element. In fact, I drink Element first thing in the morning. Replace the need for a morning cup of coffee, because there's something energizing about getting optimum hydration flooding into your body. It is amazing. And lemonade salt, which is just here for the summer. You gotta get it. And if you use our promo code now, you'll get a free sample pack of elements most popular drink flavors. We're talking citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. I love all of those. Watermelon salt is another particular favorite. Two sticks for each flavor. When you use promo code weird go to drinklmnt.com weird to get your free sample pack with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com weird. Try the lemonade salt. I've hoarded it. I have so much of it because I. It's only here for the summer and I'm going to want it for a long, long time. I love it. I absolutely love it. We're also brought to us by our friends at Shakti Mats. Shakti mat is like having a personal masseuse rolled up in the corner of your house that you unfurl like an old, old map or a flag and you lay down on it and it's thousands and thousands of tiny little pokies, little spikes. It's like laying on a bed of nails. Why would you do that? Because it floods. Relief and tension melts away. Those pokies send blood and circulation to the areas you need it most. So I. I like to swim. That means my right shoulder is always getting jacked up, which means I'm laying on my Shakti mat. I don't know, at least every day, sometimes twice a day. Because it's like a massage. I love massage, but it's hard to find the time. Sometimes I don't feel like getting naked and all oily with some weirdo. Some weirdo. You know what I'm saying? I just want something fast that gives me that relief, that gets stress melting away, that gets tension melting away. And it's like cold exposure or deep tissue work or sauna. The release that you get from doing something that's a little bit intense up top but then you melt into it is amazing. It's an acupressure mat. It is such high quality. You need to get this in your life. I'm talking about deeper sleep, stress relief, muscle relaxation, better circulation, mental clarity. Just a general sense of well being whenever you need it. Go to shakti mat.com s h a k t I mat.com and use weird30 as the code and you'll get 30% off. It's also a great gift, perfect for the person. You don't know what to get them because everybody wants relief on command. And it's fun and it's interesting. Shakti Mat. Acupressure Mat. Get into it. All right, everybody.

[A]

All right, all right. Let's just go ahead.

[B]

At least it's not T Mobile for Business. I'm listening to Revisionist History. Every ad is T Mobile for Business. And I'm just like, I will not use T Mobile even if I have a real need in my business.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I can't because I'm so resentful of these T Mobile for Business ads.

[A]

Yeah. Sometimes it does do the opposite.

[B]

Yeah. T Mobile for Business. It's like a classic radio ad, J. So I'd like to say Verizon for Business.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Deal with it.

[A]

Deal with it.

[B]

Deal with it. Valerie, thank you for being here. And thank you for leading us in, ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

Get into it again. Sing it to me again.

[B]

Give the people.

[A]

Well, I can't remember the melody to be true, to be truthful I can't remember how it goes but it's a Ben Fold song.

[B]

Wait, that's a real song?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, well, I was just saying that we need to do. Well, there's a million reasons, but the main reason that I want to do an episode today is because people need their. They need Valerie.

[A]

I mean, that's just so true.

[B]

People are out there.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Having days.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Going, what's wrong?

[A]

What's wrong?

[B]

You ever eat a stew and you're like, what's missing? It's always celery and then hard cut. I've been kicked out of the boardroom. Like, I'm on the street and I've stewed.

[A]

Boardroom.

[B]

Well, I was in, like, Campbell's or something, and I have two suitcases. Not even briefcases, but suitcases filled with celery.

[A]

I thought they were filled with stew, but yeah. No, that. That makes more sense.

[B]

I like where you go with it.

[A]

I just keep thinking about stew in. I'm infiltrating this.

[B]

I said stew to Leela the other day, and I said, do you know what stew is?

[A]

She doesn't.

[B]

She did.

[A]

She did.

[B]

She goes, it's like a soup.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Because I was telling her about how when I was a kid, me and my bff. Well, drop that last F, because come around second grade, me and Miguel, no more. No more friends. I think he switched schools. Anyway, we were bf's boyfriends.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Well. And we used to make dog do stew. Leila loves a dark story of mischief.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

This is why, like, I think, like, Harry Potter and stuff is fun, because they're always, like, solemnly swearing that they're up to no good and such.

[A]

That's what they're constantly up to.

[B]

They're constantly folding maps. It's like one thing I know. But we would go around and would find dog do, and we'd put it in a little bowl and would stir it up and make dog do stew.

[A]

Ew. You do it with actual dog do.

[B]

That's the thrill of being a child is. You're just like, here it is.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Look, look. We can. It is narsty. But it wasn't. If we did it in high, it would have been yeasty.

[A]

Alarming. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I'm just kidding. I agree. Alarming, but also yeasty. Crusty. Yuck.

[A]

Right?

[B]

The narsty boys did something again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, this was like second grade.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

We made dog deuce too. Which means it was about Leela's age.

[A]

Lila getting old.

[B]

Dds.

[A]

Like, I'm. She's really hitting an age where it's not just the things that she knows are the things that we told her.

[B]

That's what I mean. She. It's not what I meant. But yes. Because I just said, you don't know what stew is. And she's like. Like a thicker soup. She didn't say that.

[A]

But yeah. Like, she's never. We've never made a stew for her in her life.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That she knows what it is.

[B]

I have a pitch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We need. We need a. We need a big idea.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Cereal Soup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is like cereal.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Cereal. Okay. Then there's stew, which is soup to the max. Where's the stew of cereals?

[A]

Oatmeal. You're trying to stump me over breakfast.

[B]

And can I. Can I ask something?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there still room? Picture. I was pict. You know how, like, Raisin Nut Bran has those, like, spears of almond?

[A]

Yeah. Or like. You know what? You know what it really is.

[B]

So you already understood what I was saying?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Now we're getting close to, like. It's so hearty.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're like, jesus, there's things that are actually dangerous in there.

[A]

Yeah. It's shredded wheat, but not the minis. You know, Like I was old.

[B]

You're the queen of our lives. This is what the people need. We need a big Valerie episode.

[A]

Years old. I learned about regular Shredded wheat. Like, I thought they were all that size again.

[B]

As every week. I'm 10 years older than you. But I also was like, what?

[A]

So there was a huge.

[B]

It was a one square. It was as close as we've come to the meal in a pill.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Shunk.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You knew how many milk over it. Breakfast you had. It was like, simultaneously the olden days and the future, because you'd open a bag of them, and there'd be about seven of them. You're like, well, this will get me through the week.

[A]

And you correct me. Correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah, you're a Shredded Wheat person.

[B]

You mean I like Shredded Wheat?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have celiacs. I have shredded celiac. I have cereax. I have cataracts. I drive a Cadillac.

[A]

I have meshacks. I have a Bendigo.

[B]

I have a Bendigo. I have a bend. Vertigo. I have vertigos.

[A]

This is.

[B]

I only get spinny when I'm in flames. Abedigo. This is ridic. I love it.

[A]

It's so ridiculous. And that was such a deep Bible cut. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. My dad used to say, shadrach, hit the sack, and to bed you go.

[B]

I like it when it was bedtime. I was quoting the Bible hard last night. I did Rainn Wilson's podcast, right. And I was shocked at how much I was quoting the Bible.

[A]

I know. Our friend Ariella's review of it was. Pete killed it. I think I'm Christian now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she is a Jewish woman.

[B]

She's a Jewish woman. But I. Yeah, I 1. I'm not gonna say everything that I said because that's a snooze. But one of the ones that I for. You know how I'm like, in the Prodigal Song, which I love to quote. And this is almost over. We're not shifting tones. We're still talking about the stew of cereals. We're still talking about Shredded Wheat. I just wanted to say, like, in the Prodigal Son, there's the son who stays at home, who stays in the kingdom, and he's like, but what about me, Father?

[A]

It's like, clearly real voice.

[B]

But what about me? I stayed home. I didn't do anything wrong. Where's my party?

[A]

Wow, that was so many different accents in one.

[B]

Was it? And I want to tell you something. None of them were what I intended.

[A]

Yeah, I could hear that last night.

[B]

Rainn Wilson asked me to do my Robert California impression, but we were at Largo, and I can't project that impression. So it didn't come out well. And the thing about a Robert California impression, Dwight, is it's very subtle. That's like a bottle of wine that maybe you drink in the nude. You know what I mean? Like, you have to do it like that. But then we're on stage and he has me do it. Everything is sex, Dwight.

[A]

But you had a microphone. I know, but like, that's something I sometimes get a sense. You forget when you're on stage.

[B]

Yeah. I guess I would want to turn it up in that moment. You know how a guitar has. You are plugged into the PA and they're controlling your levels. Every once in a while, Slash will sneak a pink down there. A pinky?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, all the greats do. And they're like. They do the sound check at 7. Then they're like, well, if I wanna. I mean, that's why a guitar is just dope.

[A]

So dope.

[B]

Anyway, so there's the son who doesn't leave the kingdom. And he's confused. Cause he was a good boy. Why didn't he get a party? The bad boy who squandered his wealth gets a party. And obviously, I think that's a metaphor for life. We're all squandering our inheritance. We're out here confused and lost and scared and all these things. The whole experience. And the prodigal son story, it's called Far off lands. We're in far off lands. That's what this is. It has the illusion of being away from home. Of course you're not really, but you get that feeling. And the son who doesn't get any headline, the non prodigal son, thinks he deserves a party. And he stayed home. But I'm like, no, the point is to squander your inheritance. Yeah, the point is to get lost. Use it up.

[A]

Use it up. Use it up.

[B]

Smoke it up. Smoke it up. Smoke it up. The point is to get confused and broken and get your heart broken and all of it, none of it is a mistake. That's using your inheritance, right? And then I just sort of off the dome. And nobody's gonna be that impressed or even care. But it's almost over. There's another parable that Jesus. Welcome to Adobo. I don't know what that meant.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't know what that meant. I don't know what that meant. All welcome to Adobo.

[A]

I don't know at all.

[B]

He was an adobe restaurant that's dank like Yoda's house. And you sit at little tables. This all came in a flash. And a man in like a collarless red shirt, that's a little samurai, I know, he came out and held his hands like this and went, welcome to Adobo.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And that's how he greets every table. And the bread. This is all I know about it. You're seeing a lot of sticks. And the flat one with the seeds. That's what you get at Adobo. You don't get a bread basket. You get the long walking stick, Gandalf's walking stick. And the flat, it's kind of serrated at the side. It's been cut with children's scissors. Yes, it's been cut and it's been all washed. It's ridged, scissored, and a wash in seeds. Too many seeds. But nobody said anything, so it went out with all the seeds.

[A]

All the seeds.

[B]

And welcome to Adobo.

[A]

That's. That is very European. They had that on every table in Barcelona.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I didn't know. Anyway, there's this. There's the parable of the. Of the talents, which is so confusing because talent was a type of money. I guess it isn't it. You don't know this parable? Oh, that's great. That's great.

[A]

High five.

[B]

That's great. I set them up. You knock them down. Yeah, I knock them down. You clean them up and.

[A]

No, I don't know this parable. In fact, it's actually insane to me how much you know the Bible.

[B]

Thank you. I didn't know. I've been waiting for this moment, but I have been my whole life.

[A]

I was raised, like, trying to do devotionals. Did you guys have devotionals? Yeah, I know y' all got devotionals.

[B]

Like the One Year Bible, like, stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah. Like, it would be like a journal that was like, read this scripture now and then. Write about what you learned. And I'll be like, we just freestyle their quiet times, like, beget some other people. Like, you just be like, I don't know. And I would try to do it, and I would try to do it every day. And I just, like. So all of this is to say I have read the Bible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A lot.

[B]

Look, we either out there begetting or we getting begot.

[A]

Yeah. I just don't remember any of it. I guess you've listened to more to, like, more Richard Rohr and stuff.

[B]

Maybe, but this one snuck up on me. There was a phase of my life where I was reading it with the fervor of someone who was worried about damnation. So I was really holding on to it.

[A]

It's only reason to read it. Otherwise, it's just a boring ass book.

[B]

It's a page burner.

[A]

Just burnt.

[B]

It's a page burner.

[A]

Ooh I just got snagged on like an old Christian. What I mean, most. I would like to say it was that I didn't want to offend anybody, but it was really, like, I actually got scared for a second.

[B]

That happens to me because I was.

[A]

Like, yeah, just burn those pages. And I was like, don't talk about burning the pages.

[B]

In my. No, he does. I'm pretty sure in my episodes of the Simpsons, the pastor that I played was kicked out of his church because he burned the Bible. I think I talked about those.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the reason I wanted.

[A]

Afraid you're gonna go to hell because of that.

[B]

That's so funny. Thank you, Valerie. I'm just kidding. When I had. What I did. What's his name? That doesn't matter. But I was gonna. I wanted to show it, obviously, because he was doing it, you know, I thought you could argue why he was doing it was for a good reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was saying, don't worship the roadmap. Go to the destination.

[A]

Yeah. He was doing like a dead poet society thing.

[B]

Exactly. Tre Dead Poe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it happens off camera. And I remember James L. Brooks was like, this is a headline like, they burned the Bible on the. Like, you can't do that. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Am I a little too. Am I a little too. I'm out here. I'm Tom Cruise in Magnolia. You know what I'm talking about? He does the reverse rolly somersault. It's one of the great scenes. And I've always wanted to ask Paul Thomas and a million questions, but I want to know if Tom Cruise is wearing a piece in his pants.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

Do you know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

Because he disrobes and he's wearing tighty whities.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And his junk is like. It's like chunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like cha. Chunk.

[A]

You were listening to that thing with me where he's. Where PTA said that he would. He wishes that he did fewer stories in Magnolia.

[B]

Yeah. That was Marin.

[A]

I really wonder which ones he would get rid of.

[B]

I don't. I can answer that as Paul Thomas Anderson. Are you right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I don't think it's about editing out any one particular story. It might just be like tightening the. The laces on a couple of them. But I. I don't know. They're all my children.

[A]

You had me into All My Children. I don't think he would say that.

[B]

I'm enjoying how I'm off this Week. This whole week, I've just been a little off, and I'm really liking it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's what I was going to say. The parable that I remembered on the fly, that is very similar, makes a similar point, which means. Because I think it's an exciting point. If Jesus means anything to the people listening, which is, you know, that's a coin flip. But, like, the parable of the talents is he give. Is a wealthy landowner. Always. A wealthy landowner gives three guys some talents, some money. We're going to stop saying talents. And the first guy is like, well, my. My master. I guess they might even be slaves. It might be, like, a questionable thing like that. But they're like, this guy is going to come back and want his money, so I'm going to bury it. Does this ring a bell?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He buries the money, right? The second guy goes out and, like, you know, invests it and makes a little bit back. And I think the third guy really risks it and doubles it. And I remember hearing that parable when I was young and being like, well, the first guy is right. Those other guys could have lost it. Like, they risked it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He said, watch my money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the guy was like, you got it.

[A]

Yeah. And did what he was told in the story.

[B]

If I'm not mistaken, the first guy is, like, berated. Is, like, chastised by the guy. He's like, you did nothing with it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I remember being confused by that. And I would just like, you know, any song or story, you can interpret it a million ways, but I'm like, I think that's life. A lot of us, you don't even need me to make this point. I'm just saying, like, a lot of us are drawing the blinds and locking the door and just going, like, I'm just going to ride this out. Like, I'm just going to, like, whittle it away and. No, like, go lose some money. Go get messy.

[A]

Scrape your knees.

[B]

Scrape your knees. Yeah. Just like us with Lela. Honestly, like, when she gets stung by a wasp or something and we find out she's allergic, which we didn't even talk about.

[A]

I know. I can't believe we didn't talk about that.

[B]

We can talk about. Can I say one thing that I really don't want to forget? Am I exhausting you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I just needed to take a big breath. It had nothing to do with you.

[B]

Okay. By the way, Mojo, we do have a promo code now. Kenobody.com, use promo code. Weird. If you want, because I'm telling everybody.

[A]

I took creatine for the first time today.

[B]

My creatine?

[A]

No.

[B]

Where did you get it? You can have my creatine. I didn't mean it like that.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I just was like, it's a different. It's like. It's a different brand.

[B]

Oh, you think it's bad that it's not the brand that we work with?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't know if I'm going. Where did you take it? First of all, you have to take creatine for weeks before you build it up.

[A]

That's good to know.

[B]

But it's also in your food, so.

[A]

It'S not like I'm always nervous when I take something new.

[B]

You should be.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't know that.

[A]

Okay. God.

[B]

Oh, no. I was supporting you.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I wasn't going, like. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You should be freaked out. I know, but I am having a little bit of, like, a. Am I good? I'm good.

[B]

Put it in your smoothie or something.

[A]

No, it's gummies.

[B]

Creatine gummies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You don't think so?

[B]

No, I'm just saying that's two quadrants that haven't met yet. That's like steroid perfume anyway. Well, creatine, I don't eat meat or I don't eat sometimes. You'll occasionally see me eat a little bit of meat, but I don't eat meat regularly. And that's where you get creatine. It's really good for strength between, like, a vegan, a meat eater. I think it's like a 70% difference. Which is. Which is you can supplement it, obviously, which is why I take creatine. Who cares? But kinobody.com, you can get that Mojo supplement. This isn't an ad. I've been telling everybody. I think I sold my doctor on it.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Because I had my physical yesterday and I was just like, I'm feeling fucking. The horse thing. You can run. You should run.

[A]

Yes. And the Mojo is the one with the testosterone.

[B]

Mojo's testosterone support.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

And, yeah, I'm taking some other ones, but that's the one that I'm really. And the thing that I always want to say, I always feel like fitness is this party that I just wasn't invited to. I'll say it actually a little bit more interestingly. When I found out people were doing cocaine and that's how they were staying up all night, I'd just be at bars. And I'm like, why are these guys?

[A]

Why aren't you sleeping?

[B]

Totally. It's like, I don't understand. The burrito's been eaten. It's time for bed. And believe me, I'm not regretting that I didn't do cocaine. But I look back and I'm like, oh, some of those people were ripping cocaine. Similarly, the people that are, like, working out and, like, getting up and they got a stopwatch and they're doing burpees, and I'm like, they're probably helping. They're supporting the hormones in them because. Sorry, this is almost over. And again, it's not an ad, but I looked into it, and the. Oh, I said this last time, testosterone helps dopamine. And dopamine is like, you have something to do, and it's like pushing a ball over a little hill, and you keep getting it a third of the way up, and then it rolls back. Dopamine is just the thing, and testosterone is the thing that makes it happen. Just push it over. And you just did it. It's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we talked about it last time, I was like, use promo code. Weird. I think it's 20% off.

[A]

Yeah. And you've noticed, I think you did maybe mention this last time, that it's, like, calming you down in a weird way.

[B]

Well, yes, because when I started lifting weights and I upped my testosterone that way, I was raging out, like, turning on crowds and stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, like, nothing major, but I just mean, like, I could tell in my body. Heart rate, sweat, like, just aggression. Like, I'm gripping the mic real tight, and this has been the opposite. I've been, like, like, calm, and I love it. I'm fucking obsessed. I really, really love it. Anyway.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Here's the thing I wanted to say. And then we will tell the story about what happened with Lila, which I think is a pretty. Pretty good one.

[A]

Brutal.

[B]

Yeah, it is brutal.

[A]

We can tell it light, but it was. It was brutal.

[B]

Well, for us, but I think anyone listening would just be like, well, that's an interesting story. Yeah, for us, it was brutal.

[A]

Yeah, we lived it.

[B]

We lived it. I don't. I don't have to watch it, Dottie.

[A]

I live.

[B]

I lived it.

[A]

I lived it.

[B]

What a great movie. Anyway, speaking of movies, this is what I really wanted to say. I said we needed to do an episode today because we need. Val number two is we needed to share this. And you don't remember what it is?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

I wrote it down.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

I'm a professional.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm out here.

[A]

What a pro.

[B]

What a pro. So those of you that listen to the show will remember that a couple weeks ago, Val and I were laughing about how we couldn't remember the song. The name of the song. The Flower Duet.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And it goes like this.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That's where it falls apart.

[A]

You fall apart.

[B]

But you see. And by the way, people showed up in. Great number.

[A]

Great number. Thank you.

[B]

It's called the Flower Duet.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

People slid into my DMS. Your DMs. Everybody's screaming. It's called the Flower Duet. Really appreciate it. You sometimes hear an operatic version where, like.

[A]

It is from an opera.

[B]

Okay. It's from an opera.

[A]

And there's words, like Italian words. So it's like, turns out I can't do fake Italian.

[B]

No one can. So we're watching. Val and I have. I wouldn't call it a guilty pleasure, but it's certainly not. What I'm gonna say at a dinner party is, like, one of our favorite series, but it's murder mystery.

[A]

We love the murder mystery movies. And you know what? I do stand by them.

[B]

I would defend them, too. I think we've said this before, but Murder Mystery is better than Knives Out. Okay, Wait, I'm saying it.

[A]

I don't. I think it.

[B]

I've said it.

[A]

No, I've never said it.

[B]

You said that.

[A]

I said it's like, it's like a.

[B]

Better than Knives Out.

[A]

Knives Out. It's not better than Knives Out.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It's not better than Knives out is fantastic. But it's funnier than Knives Out. It's a different thing. It's like a comedy. Knives Out.

[B]

I understand. Yeah, sure.

[A]

But, yeah, I think it's all right.

[B]

It's not all right. It's not better than Knives Out. It's not even really trying to do what Knives out is doing.

[A]

Also, we don't like bad movies. Like, we don't have.

[B]

Okay. This is a better way in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We don't just like bad movies. No.

[A]

We don't have the thing where we. We love to hate. Watch.

[B]

Right. I mean, we're not like Baby Mama. That was amazing.

[A]

I didn't like Baby Mama.

[B]

I didn't like Baby Mama. I don't know if I saw Baby Mama. I'm just saying, you and I do not mind saying I didn't like that movie.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And we're putting on Murder Mystery, which is risk free. Cause it's just on Netflix. And you're like, who Cares. But it's amazing. It's an amazing movie. We won't. I really think it's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the second one is really good too.

[A]

The second one is a perfect sequel.

[B]

So we're watching the second one, which we've already seen, but we're, like doing the Dutch.

[A]

We're doing the rounds, and once a year we'll watch both of them.

[B]

I think this is the second time we've seen it, though. So you're just saying we'll do this again next year. And I'm in.

[A]

Okay, great. I just wanted to secure you for next year.

[B]

I'm available. So they're in an opera house, and I go, val, holy shit. Because they start playing the flower duet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was kind of my point. That song is in every movie, but I don't know what it's called. And there they are going. And Sandler. So it's happening, but it's in the background of the scene.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they find some guy in opera box and they interrogate him because it's a murder mystery. And then the scene is over, and Adam, the song's still playing behind them, and he goes, what is this song called? And we were like, what? What is happening?

[A]

Yes. Because just the fact that the song was playing, we were like, that's a synchronous.

[B]

That's weird. We were just talking about the song.

[A]

Here it is like, it went out of its way to be like, what is this song called?

[B]

He goes, what is this song even called?

[A]

Okay. So I'm always interested in this. And I bet there are people listening because obviously when there's this synchronicity that hard.

[B]

It's a hard one.

[A]

We go, you know, like your. The mind goes different places. Some of us more magical beings will be like, it's God telling me I'm on the right path, you know?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

I'm doing that voice.

[B]

I'm supposed to be watching murder mystery too.

[A]

That is.

[B]

Most of my synchronicities are on Instagram, so I'm like. I was supposed to be scrolling.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And then like some freaky or deakiers would be like, it's. It's a proof that it's a simulation. And then. But then there. And I bet we have all types listening right now. Then there are the nice, like, grounded, earthier people who are like, well, clearly what happened is we've seen that before. We. So that was embedded in there somewhere. So then you thought of that without thinking of it with the movie. But just were like, what is that?

[B]

That occurred to me. It's such a strange for me to. When Adam said, what is that song called? Boy, I held on to that.

[A]

I know, but it. The subconscious is just a. You know, it's a sticky pickle, a basement full of random objects.

[B]

What else am I wondering about? Forrest Gump said what makes Dr. Papa so good.

[A]

What was the Forrest Gump quote that you did?

[B]

Oh, yeah, this is a good one. You. You said like, should we pick up. Oh, what was it you were like, is Leela learning from us or is she learning from the things she's watching?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I went, maybe it's both.

[A]

Maybe it's both is something that you can use. I mean, it's a good one.

[B]

It's a good. Maybe it's both.

[A]

It's so much better than being like, why are they mutually exclusive?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop correcting me that it's Frankenstein's monster with mutually. Exclusive.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

And I think maybe it's both. Is McRib. It's back. There was a time when we overdid Forrest Gump.

[A]

Yeah, but I run forest.

[B]

That's over. I mean, that's been over.

[A]

Well, no, you can't do that.

[B]

It's been like 20 years. It's been over. You can't say that.

[A]

Yeah, you can't really do. You can sit here if you want to.

[B]

I like.

[A]

You can sit here, though. I do do that one, I think.

[B]

I think you can sit here if you want to. Is a good one because seats taken. Tyken. Yeah, that's still in play. Dan, you ain't got. You got new legs. No, don't. Don't try that one.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

Don't try that one.

[A]

Don't do Run Forest, Run. Definitely don't do box of chocolates, but.

[B]

I'm definitely can't do box of chocolate.

[A]

Almost all of the rest of it is Maybe you can't do like the shrimp.

[B]

Yeah. Sideways stinging Ryan.

[A]

Yeah. You could maybe do that. My brother does. Does do. Is he like me?

[B]

No.

[A]

Should I not?

[B]

No, that's the best. If you can take the saddest moment of a movie and turn it into comedy.

[A]

But he'll do it for his own son when like. Yeah, because like my brother, you know, whatever. Like, his qualities are, like, if he's forgetting full or something.

[B]

Is he like me? That's good that I. I quote do you know I'm quoting as good as it gets. Cuz we'll be driving and you'll be mad at a car or something, and you go like this guy.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I go, I know. Don't you be like me. Don't you be like me.

[A]

Of course I know that. I love as Good As It Gets. One of my favorite movies.

[B]

James L. Brooks, double mention. Looks like we've been hitting twice.

[A]

The thing that I am always quoting.

[B]

Like Me is very good.

[A]

The thing that I'm always quoting that no one knows I'm quoting because no one's ever seen this movie.

[B]

Is. This is Halloween?

[A]

No, is friend. It's from the movie French Kiss with Kevin Klein and Meg Ryan. It's primo Meg Ryan.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

It's such a good movie. I mean, okay, I could hear an argument that it's not a good movie. Like, for example, Kevin Kline is doing a pretty severe French accent the entire time.

[B]

I bet he loved it.

[A]

But it's so fun. And it's like, you know, you're in France with the. And it's a love story. And she's adorable. Okay.

[B]

Adorable.

[A]

There's a part where you.

[B]

Adorable, adorable. It's just hard to know if someone's acting well if they're doing a fake French accent.

[A]

That's for sure.

[B]

It really. It clouds the mix.

[A]

He definitely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, yeah, he did. He. He serves the purpose.

[B]

I just remember if I did an improv scene and somebody did a Scottish accent, and we're like, were they funny or were they just doing a Scottish accent?

[A]

Yeah, no, this. And this movie does lean heavily on that accent.

[B]

I think that's my problem with the Pink Panther, if I'm being completely honest. And I'm like, all right, I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I always struggled with, like, yeah, it's funny. They're like, look, he can't say hamburger gal. But, yeah, he can't say hamburger.

[A]

You know, I actually. Thinking of that. I actually take it back. I don't think French Kiss leans heavily on the accent. Okay. I think it leans heavily on, like, Meg Ryan's adorability.

[B]

What doesn't?

[A]

And what part? And yeah, so the part that I'm always quoting is she's lactose intolerant. She wakes up, he wakes up, they're on a train, and she, like, is eating cheese.

[B]

She is.

[A]

She's. Yeah, she's eating a bunch of cheese. And, you know, she's like, I love it. This is. Whatever.

[B]

Does she know she's lactose intolerant?

[A]

Yes, but she's like, in France. And she's decided to eat cheese.

[B]

So she's. You.

[A]

Yeah, 100%. This is very relatable.

[B]

This is very relatable. Anyway, that's the most true thing I've ever seen depicted in a movie. Someone who can't eat gluten. Just eating a lot of gluten.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or cheese.

[A]

All right, all right, we get it. I like to eat things that hurt my stomach.

[B]

I'd like. I'd really like the movie to not address why she did it. I don't want any dialogue about her thinking about it. I just want her doing it. And then I want her to be confused and sad for a long time. Well, it's bloated and kind of crying.

[A]

It is.

[B]

But also still sneaking a few bites of the cheese and the gluten while she's like. But I want the movie to just go on. I can't have any line like, I shouldn't be eating this. That can't be in there. It ruins it.

[A]

Well, you're almost there. I mean, she doesn't really explain it. It's just that she's feeling very, like, carpe diem. Yeah. And this. You're right. Like, this is what it's like to be married to me, is I'm gonna eat something that I shouldn't, and then I'm gonna complain all night.

[B]

I wouldn't even say you complain. You're just gonna be wrecked by it.

[A]

I'll be wrecked.

[B]

The standard comedy joke would be like, and now I gotta listen to my wife complain. That's not what it is. It's actually just like, you're really in pain.

[A]

I'm at.

[B]

Yeah, you're having a hard one.

[A]

And, like, doing cat cows while we're watching and hugging a pillow, hot water.

[B]

Bottle, and, like, elevating de. Elevating.

[A]

I just would love to know what it feels like to have, like, an iron stomach. I never, never, never known.

[B]

So she eats all the cheese.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway. And she. And she's saying, like, I can't believe how many types of cheese there are. And so she's really happy. He's really grumpy. And she's like, like, how. How have the French found a way to, like, make all of the different types of cheese or whatever? And he's like, you prefer one type of cheese, one type of bread to put it on? And she goes, I'm saying, I like the cheese.

[B]

I like this.

[A]

And I do that all the time. I just did it to you this morning where I'm Like, I don't know. I was saying something about you and I was like. I'm saying I like the jacket.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That was a long way around the bar. That was not worth it.

[B]

But shrimp taco, shrimp sandwich, shrimp. Can I say, that era is gone. Jumping from scene to scene. And he's just talking about people don't.

[A]

Like that movie anymore. It hasn't stood the test of time. I hear that people dislike that movie.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, they have, like, issues with it.

[A]

Yeah. And I think.

[B]

Because. Is it because, like, a magical white special guy is, like, shaping the history of the world?

[A]

I'm sure there's.

[B]

Let's just summarize it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Forrest Gump, a magical white special needs guy, shapes the history of the world.

[A]

I'm sure there's. There's that. There's like that a non special needs actor.

[B]

Oh, I forgot about that. And also, Anon French is playing udfl. One kind of cheese and one kind of bread.

[A]

But I think more than that, it's like people take issue with, like, the filmmaking of it. Like, it. I don't know. Like, I can't remember what the complaints are.

[B]

I'm going to say that the cutting between them talking about there was just a warm 90s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where it was like, he's going to talk about the different kinds of shrimp and then they're going to cut and they're still talking about it. And then they're going to cut and they're still talking about it. And we loved it. It was like the feeling of your butt crack being filled in with warm.

[A]

It was the night. The 90s. That was such a device in the 90s. Or like you would. It would show a clock that was like moving quickly. Time lapse. And they're still talking about it. And like, the person's like, bored.

[B]

Yes. And I'm gonna say it's. I can't connect it. But Shawshank Redemption is also kind of that way. Certainly there's more action, but there's kind of like a few feeling of we're doing these moves that when they were. When it was the 90s, it didn't even feel like a move. But now you watch and you're like, look at this move.

[A]

I mean, this is what I'll never know.

[B]

I must have had 12 Dr. Peppers. I must have had 12 Dr. Peppers.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

And then he asked JFK Jr. Where the bathroom is. He goes, I believe he said he had to take a winkle. Something. Remember? I believe he said he had to Tinkle, tinkle, winkle, tinkle, winkle. Ping pong.

[A]

I.

[B]

That's like bang pong.

[A]

That's like a Michael Scott thing. Like, Michael Scott would do, like, an impression and then let it get quiet for a minute and then ping pong.

[B]

That's the thing that's frustrating about you, Michael. The impression was over.

[A]

This is a real pop culture, but old pop culture.

[B]

Yeah. Welcome to the 90s.

[A]

But I just will never know if the 90s were actually as cozy as I think they were or if that's just because that was the time I was a kid. So I'm nostalgic for it, but, like, boy, it seemed really cozy. Cozy, like cul de sacs and beanie Babies and, like, I know there was, like, the Gulf War and there were. There was war, but, like, it did.

[B]

Seem much more fringe if you had wheat germ and knew that the Gulf War was unjust. Like, it seemed like the same group.

[A]

Did you say germ?

[B]

Wheat germ. What do you say?

[A]

I thought it was wheatgerm.

[B]

I thought it was gurm. This is. Look, look. It's what you could criticize this podcast for, is what makes it magic, and.

[A]

It'S what you love about it.

[B]

It's sort of like you just. I don't want to say it's white noise, but it is. I'm feeling white people noise. Welcome to white people noise. Ping pong. That's like Michael Scott Weak germ. 90s cordless phone germ. Germ. Oh, my God. I'm just saying there is a corollary in the 90s. If you wanted to.

[A]

Correlation.

[B]

Corollary.

[A]

That sounds like a health problem that.

[B]

Makes a correlation is a corollary.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm saying that with confidence, but I don't know.

[A]

I'm gonna have to trust you on that.

[B]

Yeah, let's not talk or think about that. Or think about that. What am I, Stellan Skarsgard? I don't know what that means.

[A]

Dellen.

[B]

Peter Skarsgard. He talks like that.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Stop. How many Skarsgardens do you got?

[A]

Wait, is there a Stellan Star Skarsgard?

[B]

Yes. Stellan Skarsgard is in Goodwill hunting.

[A]

Okay. For a second, I really thought you, like, just. You're like. It's something like Stellan. Oh, it's Peter. And that's your own name.

[B]

Call me Stellan.

[A]

Okay. I think it's time for.

[B]

Yeah, but I was gonna say. Oh, if you were up on the news, that was more of a niche thing. I think it, like, it seems like, almost everybody kind of knows what's going on.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's obviously because of the Internet. It's obviously childish Gambino.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm also going to say, like, news was in its infancy in the 90s. So were health food stores. Because there was always one weird one and they had, like, sunflower milk. Like, we had not figured it out.

[A]

No. And it was so rare. Like, if you wouldn't really want to be.

[B]

You wouldn't like it. Nope. There's dried apricots in, like, individually crinkly bags.

[A]

It smells like patchouli.

[B]

It smells like patchouli. Everything was foot pressed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, that's foot pressed.

[A]

You're like, what, that thing?

[B]

Yes, it is. No, that tofu is foot pressed.

[A]

That is not real.

[B]

And you look down and you look. They're barefoot and there's tobu between the toes.

[A]

Feet are filthy.

[B]

Of course they are.

[A]

I foot pressed that myself.

[B]

I know. You know how I know? It's footpress. Then he puts his foot up on the counter. A footpress. This morning, everything was footpress. And parsley was in everything.

[A]

Oh, yeah. For sure. And the curly guy. Not the good flat guy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I.

[B]

And the cashews were too big.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Banana cashews.

[A]

Plantain. Cashews.

[B]

I don't want a plantain. I want a little. It's a nut. It's a hand nut.

[A]

That is a hand.

[B]

I don't want a grippable nut.

[A]

I remember this is how naive I was, like, moving from Bakersfield to Humboldt when I was 11. So Bakersfield is, like, basically Oklahoma and Humboldt is, like, the hippiest town ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I remember somebody from our church when I first moved here said that they loved getting the sandwiches at the health food place.

[B]

I'm dead already. And literally, because I've done this too.

[A]

In my mind, I thought vegan, aids. But you're Christian.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

You can't be hippie and Christian.

[B]

But you love God.

[A]

You love God. Why are you going to that hippie store?

[B]

Can I say one more thing about this? These stores?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And there still are some of them. You find them on the.

[A]

Like, the bad.

[B]

Yeah. Or like an old school, but Yeah. A bad health food store.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everything's in wax paper. That's all I want to say. They couldn't get through a day without, like, eight rolls of wax paper everything. You want that in wax paper?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's getting waxed and tied.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Like string and wax paper. And it's a Sandwich. And the sandwich is just veganaise and tofurkey. And you're like, this sucks. Sprouts and some sort of raw bread.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now you go to Whole Foods and you're king of the earth.

[A]

I know. And you get a slice of pizza.

[B]

Well, yeah, but even the. Yes, but even the health food is like, good. I just mean like in the way that it used to be. Foot press.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Flour, milk. Milk. We're going to the mids. We'll be back.

[A]

That's right. We'll be back for some more of this.

[B]

Well, we're gonna tell the story, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think it's too heavy of us.

[A]

No, no, I think it's a good.

[B]

And there's a really good line in it.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

All right, we'll be right back. Here's a little mini 10 second AD. Sorry for the interruption, but I love Modern Mammals. You know this. I hate washing my hair because shampoo fries, it dries it out, looks fluffy, looks horrible. You got to fill it with all these chemicals and products to make it look right again. Modern Mammals cleans your hair, but makes it look like you didn't wash it. It's just Perfect. Hair in 15 seconds, go to Modern Mammals dot com. Weird. Use promo code. Weird. You can try both the bottle and the bar. Both ways that you can get Modern Mammals on your hair. You're 15 seconds away from a perfect hair day. Were also brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. Of course I'm wearing it because I'm always wearing it, because if there's one piece of tech that's changed my life in a positive way, obviously more than any other, it's the Apollo Neuro. It's a wearable device. I have it here on the inside of my wrist. That helps your body recover from stress by sending vibrations that speaks to your nervous system in its own language in a way that it can understand, giving your body the sensation of being touched or held. It's like a virtual hug when you need it. When I'm traveling, when I'm stressed, when I'm recovering. It's perfect. It's got settings for energy, social and open, which is usually what I have it running on when I'm doing this podcast. Clear and focused when I'm working, which can help fight off symptoms of ADD and dial you in. Rebuild and recover calm, unwind. There's even a setting called Good Night, which I use while I'm unwinding at night. Helps me fall asleep. And then of Course, the sleep setting, which if all it did was helped you fall asleep and stay asleep because it reruns the program while you're asleep, helping you stay asleep, it would be worth it just for that. But it has settings for all of those things and I've used it for years. It is an absolute game changer. It's developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified psychiatrist. This is not sold in a crystal shop. This is science. It is neuroscience. And they've been studying the stress in humans for over 15 years. And Apollo's effects on stress, sleep and cognitive performance and have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world, real world studies. So go to Apollo Neuro. A P-O-L-L-O-N-E-U-R-O.com weird. And use promo code weird. Try it. Give one away. Get one for yourself. 40 bucks off when you use promo code weird. ApolloNeuro.com weird. Well, Leela got stung by a wasp.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm allergic to bees. I know wasps aren't bees for all the wasps listening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

White Anglo Saxon Protestants don't want to offend them. They write letters and play tennis.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the, the wasp insect bit Leela on the hand. Poor Leila. She got bit by that in Mexico.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And swollen up.

[A]

It was all. Yeah, that's true. She got bit by an, an ant and it like made her hand look like catcher's mitt.

[B]

Yeah. And it was like, we played a few games.

[A]

Pretty swollen for a long time. But she's been stung by bees many times and other wasps. Like yellowjackets.

[B]

Well, yeah. You weren't there when I told every doctor that. I was like, yeah, I was. I've seen her get stung by. Yeah. I actually think we can tell the story. Let me take point on the story. Cause there is a, like a heavy parent view of this story. Here's the lighter version because what we're editing out is all the concern that we had.

[A]

Right. I would only be able to tell the heavy parent.

[B]

And I don't, I don't think we need that. Every parent knows there's an allergic reaction and you, you get concerned. I was being very. It'll be fine. Because she took Benadryl. And I was like, that's what I used to do when I got stung and I had an allergic reaction. But she kept, and I'm not trying to be funny, she kept looking more and more like a woman who had a lot of plastic surgery.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You get why they Call them bee stung lips. Like, she looked kind of gorgeous, but it was also like.

[A]

It was working for her.

[B]

It was alarming. So we took her. This is. Oh, this is the part I really. There's a couple funny lines, and I think I have a funny observation, but there's actually something really helpful, and it's a dad flex, and I'm really proud of it.

[A]

Great.

[B]

So I'm really happy to share this because. And it's not just dad flex. Lord knows moms are doing this sort of stuff every day. It just so happened to be me. We went to an urgent care because there was one pretty close go to the urgent care. We go in, they see her, Leela's swelling up. Nobody's like, freaking. We're just like, we need to get help. We need a. We need an episode.

[A]

An EpiPen. Yeah, I. Epicurus also, let me tell you, my mom flex really quick. Just.

[B]

I want a mom flex.

[A]

And it's in chronological order. I was freaking out.

[B]

You were the one. Yeah, but you were also the one that was like, we need to go to the hospital.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I was like, as soon as.

[A]

I saw hives on her face. Case. Also, it turns out that Benadryl that we gave her was nine years expired.

[B]

I didn't know. Nine years later, it was still pink.

[A]

Anyway, so we get to urgent care and she had.

[B]

Wasn't our Benadryl. We keep fresh Benadryl here.

[A]

Right before we got out of the car, she was saying, my voice feels weak. And I was like, good God, it's getting into her throat.

[B]

Well, you brought in the scary part then. Yeah, that is the scary part. I'm not mad about it. I don't need to watch it, Dottie. I lived it. I'm saying I like the cheese.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay. Okay. So I'm just informing that the urgency. So you pull up, I grab her, I run in, and I go.

[B]

This is to the urgent care?

[A]

Yeah, into the urgent care. And there are people in line. There are just like a couple people in line.

[B]

I remember one of them. This is kind of one of the notes I want to hit in the story. Urgent cares and ERs. It's really the weirdest part is the other people you're gonna see there. Yeah, that's the weirdest part. It's not what's happening to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what's happening to you when you go into an urgent care. There's some guy and he's in some state and he's talking to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Remember that Guy.

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

I don't mean he was injured already. He was just like, hello, Everybody knows Ronald McDonald is brothers with Captain Morgan. And you're like, he kept trying to talk to him. We're in a way.

[A]

Yeah. We're in a state right now.

[B]

So what's your flex?

[A]

I walked in, there were people in line, and I said, she's having an allergic reaction. I'm sorry. I know everybody's urgent, but this is, like, very urgent.

[B]

But I don't care.

[A]

I really didn't. I was like, there's no way it's more urgent than a child having an allergic reaction.

[B]

Well, that's what's troubling about ERs and urgent cares in general is there is a little bit of a ground link. I don't mean the improv theater. I mean, it's all the people. We're all together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're all rubbing elbows, and there's one door marked doctor in here. And we're all kind of like. There's a little bit of a freestyle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Right. And what we did learn is, well, you tell your flex and then that'll tell us.

[B]

Well, I went in with Leela while you dealt with the.

[A]

I had. Yeah. Then I had to, like, fill out paperwork on an iPad, and my, like, hands are shaking and I can't see her. It was awful. Okay. I can't tell the non version.

[B]

No, no, it's. It's good. The only. Yes, it's good. It's good. It just makes sense. It ends well. It does make a better story. So this is the dad flex for me. That was a great mom flex because we did go in right away because you were real. You were like a mama bear. You were like this. Look. You never do that. No, I don't like everybody.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but I didn't think twice.

[B]

I know you're having a hard time and you got. When we went in, we didn't cut anybody urgent, but there was, like, a guy on a crutch. Man, you've already been seen. You had a crutch and a cast at your house. This ain't urgent. This is a follow up. We got an urgent. And we went in and Lela was there, and she was happy. She was fine. My personal take is if you keep asking a kid if it's hard to breathe, that's a leading question. I would have preferred, how do you feel? Can you take a big breath for me? Because people kept saying, are you having a hard time breathing? And she would be like, yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because she was having, like, a hard time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was having an allergic reaction. And that, of course, is the question that makes everybody freak out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now I'm freaking out, too. I've joined you in here. You know, we tend to do this. I'll get real hyper, like a sniper. Focus. Like, really, like, still and focused. And they go, this woman who I did not care for. I didn't tell you this, but I did not care for this doctor. She just was like. For example, she said, are you having a hard time breathing? And Leela's like, yeah. And she's like, well, you got to get this kid to a hospital. And I was like, well, where are we? That's what I wanted to say.

[A]

Right.

[B]

First, what is an urgent care?

[A]

This location does not have an EpiPen.

[B]

That's what I. Going back, I would have been like, do you have an EpiPen? Because when we went to the ER to go out of order, a little Tarantino, they gave her. What is it? Epinephrine. I knew it was a fun one to say. Epinephrine.

[A]

Epinephrine.

[B]

It's an epinephrine pen. That's probably what they call them in England. Yes, an EpiPen. Oh, you mean an epidephrine pen. So close, but a little different.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, they said, you got to get this kid to the hospital. And then I go with some frustration, but I'm hiding it. I'm like, okay, like, then what the fuck is this place? A place where you go where they are dressed like doctors, but they go. Go to the hospital. And I'm like, okay, yeah. And then I'm already on my phone, and I typed in hospital. There's two hospitals. And they go, you should go. I'm making these names up. They're like, you should go to First Methodist. That has a pediatric ward. I'm looking at on the map. First Methodist is 27 minutes away. There's another one called, like, United. United is seven minutes away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm. And they're like, you should go to Method. I'm like, what, do you got a deal? Is there a promo code?

[A]

I know.

[B]

What are you doing? You're trying to send me to the. Because they have race car beds.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I said, and I'm proud of this. This is why I think it's a flex. I go, isn't time of the essence?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like, yeah, you should go to United. And I'm like, yeah, but if I. This is what I wanted to say if I wasn't in my druthers, I would have gone like, okay. And then you're wearing a stethoscope. Typically we listen to the stethoscope people. Non stethoscope people listen to stethoscope people. And this person said, go to the 30min minute away hospital. While we're like, clearly it's a ticking clock situation. I pushed back. I was proud that I pushed back.

[A]

Yeah, you should.

[B]

So now there's a seven minute one. I just listened to a Malcolm Gladwell podcast about ambulances and about sirens specifically and about how they don't save any time and they actually get in a lot of accidents. I'm not dragging. It wasn't about anti ambulances. It was kind of like that. We don't need as much siren stuff as we have, especially in like New York City. It doesn't really work. They're just in traffic and they're blaring the side doesn't really work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, that's, that's their take. That's not my hot take. I don't know. I'm worried about the siren and the ambulance. I don't know either, but I'm trying to be sensitive. Anyway, I just listen to this whole podcast and they go. And then she very flatly is like, we can call, we can call 911 and an ambulance can come and take her. And then this is so. This is fucking Gulliver's Travels to meaning, just like Boner Town. She goes, we can call an ambulance and the ambulance can take her. And I go, it's seven minutes away. By the time the ambulance gets here, we'll be there. And she went, that's true. And I'm like, what, are you robbing the real doctors? Did you steal their clothes? I didn't say any. I wasn't. In fact, there's no rudeness in this story. I just immediately took Leela up, walked out. We didn't pay. I think it was 18 bucks. We didn't even have time to pay. Right.

[A]

Well, we didn't pay because we, they didn't.

[B]

We didn't do anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we just went in the car and we got to the hospital and it all worked out. Yeah, the, the other, the two things that I wanted to say because I said it on stage was I was like, the ER is like the dmv, but wet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The hardest part, and I'm not trying to make fun of hardships, you're just in a DMV style situation. But really the Greatest risk of trauma is like, what are you going to see? You're just in the er. I feel for everyone that's in it. Some people might be listening to this at the ER to chill the beans. I feel it. It's a weird portal in the world. This is where you go when everything's weird or dire.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we were there and everybody was nice and Leela was a pro, and it's like the er, but gmv, but wet.

[A]

Yeah. There you go. Yeah. So the lesson learned was if there's an allergic reaction where there's, like, hives and you know how bad, just go to the emergency room. In fact, I think Urgent Cares are essentially like, I think it's supercast.

[B]

I think they would have given us a trim if we wanted one.

[A]

I think Urgent Care is for, like, I want to see someone about this today, but my doctor can't really take me today.

[B]

So I guess that's supported by the guy with the cast.

[A]

Yeah. Urgent shouldn't be in the word.

[B]

It should just say moderate care.

[A]

Yeah. Or it should be like 20, like, 24 hour care or something.

[B]

24 hour care. I like that one.

[A]

It's just about, like, if you want to get in today, go ahead. Same day care.

[B]

Yeah. I do want to play that back and go. You don't have an EpiPen. Because I'm sure they did. I just feel very sure that they did.

[A]

I know. It's amazing that you and I were able to do what we were able to do in that state, because it was very scary.

[B]

It was very stressful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then it sort of ends in that, like, we live in a miracle time.

[A]

Yeah. After I, like, cried and then shook my body a little, I was like, wait, there's so much to be grateful for. Like, thank God for modern medicine.

[B]

It was amazing. It was amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They gave Leela all these things and, like, she deflated like a balloon.

[A]

It was easy come, easy go.

[B]

It was easy come. It was one of the more satisfying. It's not like, take this for four days and you'll clear up on the fifth day. Or, like, you'll clear up on the third day, but keep taking it or it won't hold. It was actually like somebody just opened a valve and she just. And Lila is young enough still. Like, she loved it. She loved the novelty of it.

[A]

She.

[B]

She was chatting with the nurses. She was everybody's favorite.

[A]

Yeah. She loved being.

[B]

She got a shot with no problem. She was swallowing pills. No problem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because she. She. I think she's deeply bored with us, cuz. Lila butters her toast and I'm like, you are a miracle. A miracle. And she's like, all right, I've got these guys pretty well locked down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then if she can like impress a nurse with swallowing a. A pill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a big kid.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

She loves it.

[A]

She loved it. And now she loves telling every single.

[B]

Person, oh, we'll go to someone's house. And she goes, do they know the story?

[A]

Yeah, she loves it. Yeah. Yeah. She. She has been asking that she like, does Nalu know about the hospital?

[B]

Yeah. It's great.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

It's not burying the talent. It was like in the mix. It was like leaving and getting all in the fray.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was really. It was frightening for us, but it is so nice.

[A]

That's the best that you can hope for your kid is not that they don't have experiences like that, but that they have experiences like that and they're so securely attached and their trust in life is so thick that they're just like, this is a good story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it was. It was. It was a trip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And boy, I mean, parenting is no joke.

[A]

Parenting is.

[B]

It's really hard to care about something 100 million times more than you care about yourself.

[A]

The hardest part of all of that was it was sort of this moment of like, oh, my God, it's terrifying to love this person so much. And like, I just kept wanting to. Like, I didn't, of course, but I just kept wanting to say to her, like, you have to be okay. You have to be okay. Okay.

[B]

I was saying, you are okay.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's good. And she was. She was not freaking out.

[A]

She was not freaking out. And I'm really glad that for, you know, how much I was freaking out. I wasn't able to conceal it completely, but I concealed it. What?

[B]

No, you're making me think of something else.

[A]

Oh, okay. Concealed it like 60.

[B]

You did a great. You did a great job.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're fabulous. I have no notes about you in any realm.

[A]

Same you too.

[B]

You made me laugh because. And I actually think this is a pretty sophisticated. It's a fairly sophisticated observation for like someone who's probably 9 years old with an 11 year old brother. But we used to watch Candid Camera.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I loved Candid Camera.

[B]

We love Candid. The world has become Candid Camera. Like now we're just filming everything and posting it and going like, look at this guy, he fucking fell down. You know what I mean, used to.

[A]

Be you only get that one.

[B]

You'd set up, like a very large camera, put a cactus over it, like a wooden cactus with a hole, and really hope that they go for it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But what my brother and I used to love, and we still say this to each other, is obviously they're hoping that the show is, like, popular. Like, everyone knows Candid Camera.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they, you know, they're. They're tricking somebody. It's just a prank show. And then at the end they go, you're on Candid Camera.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And this is what makes it sophisticated, is my brother and I were in touch with the fact that the producers, the makers of the show, were really hoping that the mark would go Candid Camera.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I love Candid Camera. And it freezes and writes Candid Camera on the screen. My brother and I noticed halfway through camera, this is the 80s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's not a sensation. It was. I think it was a more popular. I don't know. I don't know. But this is like a reboot of it. And so many of the people that they were tricking didn't know the show.

[A]

That is so funny.

[B]

And they would go, you're on Candid Camera. And they'd go, completely concealed camera. Like, they'd always say it wrong. Partially obscured telegraphic lens. And you could just feel the director being like, damn it, because there's your promo. They're supposed to say, candid Camera.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, completely concealed camera. If I text my brother, Candid Camera, he'll write back, completely concealed camera.

[A]

Cute. Love it. Love it.

[B]

Need it.

[A]

Okay. We did it.

[B]

You know we did it this afternoon Afternoon A nap Saved my life with that nap this afternoon A nap Saved my life with this nap the beat.

[A]

Of the song.

[B]

It'S one o' clock on a Wednesday and I'm going to eat. And that makes me excited.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

I'm going to eat something.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Just want you to know I. I.

[A]

Did want to know.

[B]

And when it comes to what I.

[A]

Choose to eat, keep it crispy.