We Made It Weird #222

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #222
Date: July 25, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-host: Valerie Holmes

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Episode Overview

This episode of We Made It Weird is a quintessential Friday bonus riff session between Pete and his wife/co-host Valerie. Largely lighthearted and freewheeling, the conversation touches on relationship dynamics, summer parenting philosophies, sexuality and sexual self-awareness, nostalgia, and the intersecting weirdness of tech, pop culture, and body image. There’s no pretense of deep, philosophical diving—just laughter, honest admissions, playful bickering, and that signature Holmes openness about even the most intimate or embarrassing details.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

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1. Opening Vibe: Fun, "No Deep Thoughts" & Summer Parenting

00:16 – 04:40

• The episode promises a “spicy” and “sexy” vibe but is mostly focused on unfiltered fun and riffing between Pete and Valerie, minimal seriousness.
• Pete plugs upcoming tour dates; Valerie affirms she’ll be joining.
• They bond over a relaxed summer approach to parenting—allowing more “fun” foods (think In-N-Out, Starbucks bacon sandwiches, and possibly Mountain Dew Code Red), rationalizing it as part of cousin-filled, late-night summer overload.
• Both describe their current mindsets: Valerie is hung over and feeling tender; Pete is in a good mood but "worried because I'm going to say some stuff that I might not feel later" (02:25).

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2. Playful Marital Confessions & Food Guilt

03:33 – 05:51

• Pete jokes about Valerie’s “boozing” and playful competitiveness over sneaking In-N-Out meals for their daughter.
• Valerie admits to relaxing rules and hiding some fast food evidence: “There was a ketchup packet from In-N-Out, and I just slowly, like, pushed it into the cup” (05:00).

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3. Hangovers, Alcohol Use, and Relationship Dynamics

05:44 – 08:24

• Valerie confronts her increased drinking—just a few cocktails with a visiting friend—and how even minor indulgences bring hangovers.
• Pete recalls watching a documentary on alcoholism, highlighting the contrast between “normal” drinking and his own past habits:
  • “I was over here going like, I’ve had seven drinks today and I have to defend an innocent man on court” (07:51).
• Humorous American Idol-style intervention bit; Pete imagines an intervention show hosted by Simon Cowell (“That’s an intervention… That’s a great intervention. Is an American Idol style intervention…” – 13:06).

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4. Shame, Self-Acceptance, and Sexual Tastes

34:11 – 37:29

• Both discuss sexual self-awareness and the need to “own” what you like:
  • Pete: “I need you to have gone through the files, the stacks of your sexual library, kind of looked around… I need that level of self-awareness” (34:11).
  • Valerie observes that shame often comes from how sex is treated culturally and the worry that attraction feels out of control:
    • “Attraction also feels so out of our control that that’s what it is—really embarrassing” (37:29).

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5. Nostalgia, iPad Name Riffs, and Tech Memories

21:11 – 24:28

• The pair reminisce and poke fun at the iPad’s unveiling and questionable name, riffing on the unintended “period” connotation:
  • Pete: “Back to periods. iPad. I’m sorry, nobody at Apple is aware… I wanted it to be called the iTablet” (22:49).
  • Pete recalls making up fake Onion headlines about an “iPad Nano” (23:45).

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6. Mario, Parenting, and Family Twitch Streams

25:14 – 31:18

• Pete shares the joys of playing Super Mario Bros U Deluxe on Switch with Valerie and their daughter, riffing on the chaos and adorableness of three-person cooperative play.
• Suggestions of a family Twitch channel come up, and they veer into a tangent about “sexy Magic: The Gathering” streams and the appropriated aesthetics of nerd culture (“When did the nerdy women claim the bodice?” – 33:11).

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7. Sexual Alignment, Gender, & Age

44:44 – 49:37

• Valerie brings up conversations with midlife friends experiencing sexual awakening; Pete notes the generally out-of-sync sex drives between men and women as they age.
• Pete jokes about being proud of their sex life—not out of bravado but because “you’re a loving and safe, beautiful person. Beautiful is misleading… It has a lot to do with a culture… of trust” (49:07).

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8. Playful Parenting: Checkers & Mario as Life Lessons

54:16 – 56:57

• Pete openly admits to “letting” their daughter win at checkers, describing himself as a soft parent. He reflects that Mario is better at teaching consequences (“you fall in a chasm, you dead right”) than he is able to be as a parent.

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9. Miscellaneous: AI Fails, Nostalgia, and the “Soft Ending”

57:03 – episode end

• Pete tries (and fails) to use ChatGPT to summarize a friend’s script, only to discover wildly inaccurate results.
• They admit the episode is “fizzling out” rather than ending with a scripted bang and riff about “ending with a whimper”—a playful metaphor given the episode’s sex talk.
• Pete: “In an episode where we talk so much about our sex life, why not end with a soft, sad whimper?” (59:49)
• Valerie: “With a... This never happens.” (59:56)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

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On Alcohol, Self-Awareness, Shame & Liberation

• Valerie: “I do feel very... I actually do feel grateful for the mechanism of my tender tummy. Because I really can’t handle that.” (08:24)
• Pete: “This is what I want—not just in sexuality. I want alignment. When we have people in our lives that I think are not living their truth in some way, I tend to be a little bit mean to them… I want liberated people.” (36:26)
• Pete on pride parades: “I get... I cry at pride parades. I fucking can’t handle it. Movies with those themes… for me, it’s just liberation. I just need people to fucking be who they are. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle that they’re not.” (37:00)

On Playful Parenting & Letting Kids Win

• Pete: “If I’m playing a game, if I’m playing checkers with Lila, it’s absurd. Like, she moves her king. Right where I can jump her. And I go, Lila... And she goes, ‘Don’t jump me.’ And I go... and I just move it. Some, like, benign nothing move.” (54:30)

On Tech Nostalgia

• Pete: “When the iPad came out, one, I hated the name… Back to periods. iPad.” (22:49)

On Sex & Relationship

• Pete: “A boner is a flag you fly to the trust and the safety of your relationship...” (49:49)

On Ending the Episode

• Pete: “Why not end with a soft, sad whimper?” (59:49)
• Valerie: “With a... This never happens.” (59:56)
• Pete: “My line is, I got hot. Yeah, sorry, I just got all hot.” (60:00)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:16–04:40: Lighthearted intro, summer parenting, relaxed rules, tour plugs.
• 03:33–05:51: Confessions about food and marital teasing.
• 05:44–08:24: Hangover discourse, alcohol, and self-perception.
• 08:25–13:36: Alcohol documentaries, American Idol intervention riff.
• 21:11–24:28: Nostalgia for iPads, naming jokes.
• 25:14–31:18: Mario family play, Twitch/nerd culture riffs.
• 34:11–37:29: Sexual self-awareness, shame, “owning” your tastes.
• 44:44–49:37: Gender and sexual “alignment,” honest sex talk, trust.
• 54:16–56:57: Parenting, checkers, Mario as life lessons.
• 57:03–end: ChatGPT fail story, soft closing banter.

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Tone & Style

The conversation is breezy, honest, and full of quick-witted riffing between two people deeply comfortable with each other and with the audience. Touching on vulnerable topics (sex, shame, drinking, parenting) is always leavened with affection, jokes, and Pete’s tendency toward heartfelt meta-reflection. Both Pete and Valerie oscillate between zanily specific pop-cultural references, philosophical ideas about authenticity and love, and matter-of-fact intimacy.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a classic example of the We Made It Weird format: warm, real, and loose, with plenty of inside jokes and spontaneous diversions. Listening in feels like dropping in on a conversation between old friends (who happen to be married and hilarious). If you want deep, ponderous interviews—this isn’t that day, but if you love unscripted honesty and laughter about sex, snacks, tech, and how being weird is universal, this is the episode for you.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Valerie]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, everybody?

[Valerie]

We got a little bit of a spicy one.

[Pete Holmes]

It is kind of spicy.

[Valerie]

I mean, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, there's some sexy tones, There's.

[Valerie]

A little sexy time, but it's also.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of riffs, a lot of fun. I really like this one. I know I always say that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But for those of you that don't know this, this is the Friday bonus episode. Yeah, it's. We made it weird. It's me and Val.

[Valerie]

It's also a little bit no deep thoughts.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it.

[Valerie]

Love a no deep thought. We were ready for a no deep thought.

[Pete Holmes]

We were ready for a no deep thoughts. Lots of laughs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And some sex. I mean, come on, this is a great episode.

[Valerie]

What do you want?

[Pete Holmes]

And it's great episode.

[Valerie]

It's 222.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, is it?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's 222.

[Pete Holmes]

I just checked. Well, there's not much to plug. I do want to say Boston, PeteHomes.com go. We're coming to Boston, and we just announced York. And I think they were like, hey, you didn't. You didn't promote the pre sale link. And then they're worried no one's coming. And I'm like, that's not what happened. We just didn't promote it. So here I am promoting it. November 14th. I will be in New York. New York. There's lots of other dates. Chicago, Florida, Cleveland, St. Louis. Washington state, New Hampshire, Boston, obviously. Coming up, D.C. coming up. Hope to see you guys out there. I'm so thrilled with this hour. And Val's going to be at a lot of those shows.

[Valerie]

That's right. I'm coming along.

[Pete Holmes]

She'll be there.

[Valerie]

I'll be there.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, everybody, we're so glad you're here.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

You dumb as shit. You dumb as shit. Oh, I'm writing down. Yeah, okay. Sorry. Yeah, let's.

[Valerie]

Let's just arrive. Can you know what? Can we just arrive?

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a thing?

[Valerie]

No, I've never said it before.

[Pete Holmes]

I think Gwyneth Paltrow said that.

[Valerie]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm just saying.

[Valerie]

Oh, like, she looks like somebody. She has a rive face.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I feel like GOOP is like, welcome to goop. When you get in meetings, you say, can we take a moment to arrive?

[Valerie]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, like, a lot of GOOP things, it feels great. I'll tease it but that I like that.

[Valerie]

We love it.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, I'm pretty lit up. I'm pretty lit up. I'm in a really good mood.

[Valerie]

Oh, I'm so glad.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm worried because I'm going to say some stuff that I might not feel later.

[Valerie]

Well, look, I'm hung over it as.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Valerie]

You can.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, I didn't know I was dating Captain Jack Sparrow. Wow, you did firework.

[Valerie]

What, like alcohol?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and the children noticed.

[Valerie]

No, I hate this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm jk. I just. You kiss me on the mouth last night. You kissed me at some point. You've been boozing lately. I also know when we talk about it.

[Valerie]

Okay, let's be clear.

[Pete Holmes]

You keep getting our daughter in and out. Burger.

[Valerie]

I have done that, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

This is Jess.

[Valerie]

I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to know. This is just. I can't be shocked. You don't know this is Jess.

[Valerie]

No, I know it is. It's just a little close to the bone. Because I did get her in and out in the way that it was revealed was I also got her.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

A double bacon.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Like, smoked bacon, Starbucks sandwich.

[Valerie]

And I was. And you were like, in a very lovely, non judgmental way.

[Pete Holmes]

Preach.

[Valerie]

You were like. Just so you know, like you said, even the meat eaters agree, like, bacon is just carcinogen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's true. Even the meat community, I don't think they're eating the double smoked Starbucks bait. Well, that's not true. Millions of people are eating those.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we'll check our coastal perspective here. But yeah, bacon's, you know, sometimes food.

[Valerie]

And I do feel. And. And then. Okay. Yeah. So I was like, absolutely. I had already given myself the note. Like, there's been a lot more, like, foods that we don't usually allow because it's summer and it's sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We have cousins and we're just having.

[Valerie]

Like the, like, pure fun. Fun is our number one top priority kind of summer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sleep and stay up late.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like part cousin pool swim and maybe. Is that. Is that Mountain Dew? Code Red. You know what I mean? Not literally. That took me that long to think of a example. I'm just so not in that world.

[Valerie]

Oh, that's just so not you. I had to go like, you were like, smoothie, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Green juice, no.

[Valerie]

Element, no. Oh, Mountain Dew. That's it.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I threw in code red to be like, they gamin.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're playing Minecraft 3D. There is no 2D Minecraft. So that's fun.

[Valerie]

But to put it to end this story quickly is I was like, I've already given myself the note to sort of, like, cool it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, this is great food.

[Valerie]

And then I saw there was, I saw in that moment, there was a ketchup packet from In N Out, and I just slowly, like, pushed it into the cup.

[Pete Holmes]

And I marry you every day. But you knew, and you didn't know I wasn't eagle eye cherrying you. You. You offered that. Look what I'm hiding.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is the ABCs of our love.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. And it was funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not mad. I, I, who cares? We're not gonna talk about meat. I do want to say this. Yeah, go ahead.

[Valerie]

Because I am, like, I'm aware that probably on the last episode of the podcast or maybe whatever, recently, I was like, I have been drinking more than I usually.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's what we were on.

[Valerie]

And, like, I don't. I'm, like, kind of done. I need to, like, cool it. And the only reason that I, I. First of all, it doesn't take that many that much alcohol to make me hungover. So it's not like I was like.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, I hate this.

[Valerie]

I feel really.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you in front of the council right now?

[Valerie]

I do feel really defensive.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody. That is body language. Look at, just. I'm not talking, but look at my. I've been poured into this chair. Absolutely poured.

[Valerie]

Okay. But just here, from my perspective, they're low. You came in.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at my eyebrows.

[Valerie]

I am not worried about you and your opinion of me. I am saying we came in representing me going, yeah, you've been boozing a lot. You kissed me, and you smelled like alcohol, taking our daughter to in and out.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just want to be like, I understand.

[Valerie]

I'm not a piece of.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's be clear. If you had said these things to me, I would be 25 times more lit up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I just give you that. But I want you to know I'm not. That's not my tone.

[Valerie]

I had a friend visit, so two nights in a row, I had boozies, two cocktails with dinner.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, you are what, the drinkers. I'm including myself in this, even though I don't touch the stuff. But those of us that have, you could say the allergy or just addictive personality or whatever you want. You've always and forever we. Look, I'm gonna jump right to the conclusion. I watched at the height of my drinking, I watched a NETFLIX documentary about, like, it was Called something clickbaity. It was like the problem with alcohol or something. I was like, okay, I'm gonna watch this. Cause you want it to like confirm that you're okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was like the guy that was hosting, it was like, I'm a bit of a drinker. He was British. He was like, I love a good drink. And he did a drink log and he was having like two beers three times a week. And his doctors were like, what the fuck is wrong with. Because he was being honest. Like, yeah. And I was over here going like, I've had seven drinks today.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I have to defend an innocent man on court.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Court.

[Valerie]

On court.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm on court later on court with this. It's a tennis trial. Oh. But anyway, yeah. You are the person that like I had to. And I'm a hungover.

[Valerie]

I. And I am like I had what you drink.

[Pete Holmes]

For most people to feel better on their hangover days is what gives you a hangover. You are the anti Jack Sparrow. You're Kira Knightley.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You are so on piratey.

[Valerie]

I do feel very. I actually do feel grateful for the mechanism of my tender tummy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Because I. I really can't handle that.

[Pete Holmes]

If you want to make this a middle aged conversation, I'll join you.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The last time I had Jenny's ice cream, which is my favorite ice cream is fucking incre. Me and Matt were on the road and we had just done our fifth show and I went to a Jenny's and I got like, I'm not even this way. But it was like some graham cracker strawberry cheesecake ice cream.

[Valerie]

Wow. I've never known you to get anything like that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a real who are you Moment. Like who am I? What am I? I thought I was always gooey buttercake.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you've been presenting as gooey buttercake.

[Pete Holmes]

I pass as gooey buttercake. Is that okay to say? I'm not trying to make fun of any flights there. I'm just saying I ate the. The strawberry cheesecake graham cracker. I jizzed in my jeans. They're used to that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Jenny's cleans like a Subway. You know how there's just grates in the floor so they can just hose it. Oh, that's cuz everyone's jizzing their jeans with those samples.

[Valerie]

Gross.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah, same for salt and straw. Yeah, it is gross. The jizzing and the ice cream, there's just too much white.

[Valerie]

There's too much. This is just.

[Pete Holmes]

I hated that Getting.

[Valerie]

I told you, I'm hungover.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. Anyway, I'm jizzing, and. And then I ate it. And then this is the most.

[Valerie]

You ate the gist.

[Pete Holmes]

I ate my own jizz. I did know a kid at camp that did that. And I was like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Valerie]

I guess. Okay. No, you know what? I. I've gone on a whole journey with that, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna stick with your initial.

[Valerie]

I don't know why. I got. I. I really. I went from being like, that is foul. To being like. No, actually, that makes sense. It's your buddy. Whatever. Look, I want to talk about anything, okay?

[Pete Holmes]

I am. For you, for me, for the listener.

[Valerie]

I want to talk about anything else.

[Pete Holmes]

We're moving on. We're not going to talk about bacon and all that. We're not going to talk about this. I'm not even going to say what the. This is.

[Valerie]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how.

[Valerie]

That's how much we're not talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

We are.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to be real with you. I don't remember what we're not talking about. That's how gone it is. I ate the ice cream. It was fucking incredible. This was in Houston. Then I went to bed and had a cavalcade. It's the only word of nightmares for like, six hours. I was torn. You ever have a night of nightmares that you're like, fudge. You. Like. You're so mad at your brain, like, yeah.

[Valerie]

You're like, why are you torturing me?

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you torturing me? I knew.

[Valerie]

I'm you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just wouldn't. I'll give you one.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Nightmare. And then I wake up and go, I shouldn't have ice cream right before bed.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It gave me six hours. Vegas dome show of the like. And I always say this. Dreams you're not in, like, they're so intense. You're actually just a disembodied presence watching Jon Hamm make a juice out of kittens or something.

[Valerie]

And you're like, it's always something in a blender. It's always like some living thing in a blender. I mean, not just for me. Like, that's a common one, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I made that up as I thought that was kind of hack. I don't have that. Mine are like, yeah, no, me either. No, no, no. I love that. I hate that I didn't stand with you. I just want to be honest about my. My dreamscapes. Are more like trying to get somewhere stuck. Cobwebs, quicksand. We don't even have to talk about.

[Valerie]

We don't even have to.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Valerie]

I don't want to see that.

[Pete Holmes]

So anyway, you had a couple slippery cocktails. And by the way, can I say, as a Soapy Noodles who doesn't drink alcohol, I love that I have a wife that drinks alcohol, and that gives me an opportunity to be like a Sobey Noodles. I'm like, she loves a couple drinks. Because you clearly, whatever it is, you can't. You don't have it. I feel like Simon Cowell of alcoholics. I'm like, you don't have it.

[Valerie]

You don't have what it takes, doll.

[Pete Holmes]

American Idol. But it's alcoholics. You come in and you show, like, you talk about your relationship, and they determine whether or not you're an alcoholic. And Paula Abdulloh is always like, no.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's like, it sort of ranges from full enabler to like, an actual, like, tough love.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, every once in a while, just on American Idol, Paula has to, like, somebody has a lit cigarette in their hair, and she has to be like, sweetie, that's an intervention.

[Valerie]

Yeah, this. This is too much.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great intervention. Is an American Idol style intervention. You think you're auditioning. Sorry, but call Nathan Fielder. You think you're auditioning for American Idol.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And instead, Simon, Randy, and Paula, the classic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Steven Tyler's there too. He's gotta be.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They tell you your friends are worried about you. Wow. And then at the end, they go, and you're going to Hollywood. That's where the rehab is.

[Valerie]

They're like, why did you make me sing an entire song.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie?

[Valerie]

She's still in there somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Why did you have me do the piece? Yeah, like, they have. They give notes, you do it again, and then they go. Your friends are worried about you. It's true, dog.

[Valerie]

That's really, like, we had to. We have to make it as entertaining as possible. So we had to keep the singing piece.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, the way TV's going. Although we already have that with, like, intervention and. And my strange addiction. Like, we've. We've. We're late. We're decades late to the game of, like, what if we exploited people's illness?

[Valerie]

I know. And. And are there. Are those shows still, like, on great cue? Because that was, what, like, 20 or 15 years ago?

[Pete Holmes]

If I can just ask a Q. But anonymously. I just want to be a qanon real Quick, if you'll allow me to represent QAnon. The guy who doesn't read the news.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just wants to ask a question. And I want to be clear, he was at a library, like. Like a orientation.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just have a quick QAnon. That just means I want to ask a question. But don't know my name. But you don't know my name.

[Valerie]

That's like the Do Please don't Destroy movie. I don't remember what it's called, but everybody should watch that if you haven't.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's a funny title. It's like the Legend of Curly's Gold or something.

[Valerie]

Something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny.

[Valerie]

But they discover the cult in the woods, and they've been, like, away from society for many years. And they're like. That's why our cult's model motto is all lives matter.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, ooh, that's fantastic. The people who don't know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I was thinking about time travelers and how many things you'd have to bring them up to speed on. Do you have a eyelash? Right here.

[Valerie]

Thank you. Should I make a wish?

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a fake one. So make a fake wish.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gone. Fake eyelashes can only half grant real wishes, but they can grant full fake wishes.

[Valerie]

Is. I think our water's here, you guys. We are so thirsty.

[Pete Holmes]

We're in a boil your water place in Ojai. Something went funky with the water. I'm assuming there was a Jenny's tasting, if you know what I mean. Oh, at our water supply. Oh, no. That was awful. And we thought it was over. We have to boil our water, and that just means I'm not drinking water. I'm not putting. What am I, a prospector? Am I wearing red, scratchy coverall PJs with the butt flaps and a big floppy hat? Nobody wants to tell a prospector that is too, too big. And by the way, you still have sunstroke, so.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you take it off most of the day work? Because that hat should have protected you from this kind of goofiness. Yeah, there's gold in them hills.

[Valerie]

What? Who do you think the last prospector was?

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Valerie]

Like, it did end at some point.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, why is the classic prospector line, there's gold in them hills. Am I crazy about that?

[Valerie]

No, that is there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's, like, what they say.

[Valerie]

Yeah, there's gold in them.

[Pete Holmes]

If I believed you, you'd keep that to yourself, right? It's a mocking tone. Look at that. Guy, there's gold in them hills. They didn't actually say it.

[Valerie]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

They didn't come up. They come up and they'd be like, oh, yeah. It's like, there will be blood. The doctor says my boy needs plentiful fresh air because they don't want you to know that they're looking for gold.

[Valerie]

That's right. They're just going outside. Well, is that were they, like, finding the gold in the mount, like in the streams? Yeah. Because that's California, too. Or maybe only California.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Is California the only state that has gold in the mountains, in the mills?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think there's gold in the hills of New Hampshire.

[Valerie]

No, I definitely don't. So another reason why California is the best. There, I said it. We got all the foods you could want. We got some water.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we talking about why California is the best?

[Valerie]

Yeah, we've got all the terrains you could want.

[Pete Holmes]

There are a lot of terrains, and.

[Valerie]

We don't have enough water, but we do have.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a high fire risk. It's the best.

[Valerie]

It's the best. But it is the green. It will be the first to slip into the ocean.

[Pete Holmes]

Flaming hills. I mean, it's what.

[Valerie]

They will be the first to slip into the ocean. But that sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

So I really do think slipping in, like. Like a Victorian queen into a hot tub.

[Valerie]

Right. Do you know the way to go?

[Pete Holmes]

What a great commodity. If you had a hot bath in, like, most of human history, if you had a hot bath. There's gold in them hills.

[Valerie]

Really? Like, truly the first person to slip in a hot bath.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say, why am I all.

[Valerie]

About the last in the first?

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. But if they knew. They knew. What was that voice?

[Valerie]

I don't know. You've been doing this lately, and the podcast listeners will attest to this. I think this is the third podcast where you do, like, a voice and a face where we both acknowledge you've never done that before.

[Pete Holmes]

It's happening. Something's broken.

[Valerie]

Something is.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just. You know when you're driving your car and there's a rattling. That's how my brain is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like something new is happening.

[Valerie]

What's that really? Oh, split. Do you remember that trailer?

[Pete Holmes]

Because you didn't see it. Nobody saw it.

[Valerie]

I would never see that movie. Not because I think it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I just didn't have a free M. Night to see it.

[Valerie]

Oh. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

I just couldn't find a free M. Night to watch it. Maybe an m. Matinee. Okay, we're being so dumb. What I'm saying is, if you could tell there's hundreds of thousands of people that lived, that if you told them that we could in minutes have a piping hot bath.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And we never do it. Even, by the way, I. I'm not trying to be any sort of classist. Funny thing. I'm saying everybody, right? Everybody, for the most part, has a bath. Like the. The wonkiest apartments I've stayed in. Yeah, there was a gnarly ass bathtub. But they would be like, this is fine. This is way larger than the ones we had. And the hot water is here. It's. It's here presently. And we're like, yeah, we never do it.

[Valerie]

Never do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Never do it.

[Valerie]

I will say I actually do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You do it pretty regular. Ladies do it. But ladies are in the 17th century in a lot of ways.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We like to also like bleeding.

[Pete Holmes]

Once a month, we're bleeding.

[Valerie]

That's so medieval.

[Pete Holmes]

So 1650.

[Valerie]

That is so medieval.

[Pete Holmes]

Hang it up.

[Valerie]

Bleeding into basically a rag.

[Pete Holmes]

You bleed into a rag and you go, it'll pass. Like, that's your strategy? Just ride it out. The moon has me.

[Valerie]

I'm in my way.

[Pete Holmes]

The moon has you. You're in your way.

[Valerie]

I'm gonna start saying, I'm in my way.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. I just asked Chatgpt to make a drawing of my grandfather and it did it. And you're just over there bleeding.

[Valerie]

Bleeding still. And guess what? I made the decision a few couple years ago to not ever have kids again. Like another kid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And my body is.

[Pete Holmes]

Is like. You share about that.

[Valerie]

Is every single body, just in case, making a blanket of blood.

[Pete Holmes]

Send her the blood.

[Valerie]

We'll just prepare the blood in case a child wants to be born.

[Pete Holmes]

The interface.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The IO.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it's called? IO? The user experience on the female body.

[Valerie]

U E U X. U X. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I preferred. I was gonna say the Rolling Stone app. I remember the Rolling Stone app being a real shit show, but that's my most recent reference, and that's from 20 years ago.

[Valerie]

The app. But like on the phone.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember when iPads came out, I was like, I'm gonna read Rolling Stone. I'll subscribe to Rolling Stone.

[Valerie]

Something about this iPad makes me want to.

[Pete Holmes]

When the iPad. Gather round, children, and I'll tell you about Bluetooth.

[Valerie]

It's Internet pad.

[Pete Holmes]

When the Internet pad came out, I think there was like kind of a. You want to legitimize it a little bit and be like, I read magazines on it. Or like, I read on it. Yeah, like a Kindle adjacent.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And then that went away. They were like the same day, we were all like, you get porn on this.

[Valerie]

You can see porn. Bigger, bigger.

[Pete Holmes]

You can zoom in.

[Valerie]

Bigger. Bigger screen.

[Pete Holmes]

Bigger boobies. Bigger screen. Apple, the Apple keynote. There's one horny guy. They're like, the new Apple watch has megapixels, times X or whatever. And then some guy's just like, the tits. The tits look amazing. They jiggle now with the frame rate. You can make it slow motion. Big, big old teddy. That's a fun sketch idea.

[Valerie]

I mean, that is actually helping me understand the iPad. Because, like, did you have this experience, this user experience? UX when the iPad came out, we were like, that's so dumb. We already have phones. Like, that's just a bigger phone that can't make phone calls.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. Because one of my. And I know you, one of your favorite feelings is the nostalgia harness.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If I can be lifted off the ground by nostalgia. And you just did that to me. Because when the iPad came out, one, I hated the name.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Back to periods. IPad. I'm sorry, nobody at Apple is aware.

[Valerie]

Tampon.

[Pete Holmes]

I want it to be called the Itablet. It sounds so stupid.

[Valerie]

I Tab.

[Pete Holmes]

Even Itab is all right. But that makes me think you're ordering a low calorie soda in the 80s.

[Valerie]

Well, you're the only one that remembers that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true, by the way. That's true.

[Valerie]

You bring up tab a lot. A lot, a lot. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of my open tabs on Chrome are about tab. Tab. Tabs.

[Valerie]

It just says tab. It's just you Googling tab.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought the name was horrible because it made me think of menstruation.

[Valerie]

Rude, but okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Two, I made a fake Onion headline. This is how much I thought the iPad was dumb. Called where this is pre Children. I was just making Onion.

[Valerie]

Who did you make this for?

[Pete Holmes]

Just for nobody. There was no Instagram. There's no Twitter.

[Valerie]

Just for yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

This was like, hey, Matt, look at this. That was the Internet. Hey, Matt, when you're done not taking a bath, come look at this. And it was Apple announces iPad Nano. And it was a picture of an iPhone.

[Valerie]

That's really funny. I really like that you like it. I really like it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a certain French pastry cleanliness.

[Valerie]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's correct.

[Valerie]

I think it's great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's right.

[Valerie]

You nailed the sentiment of It.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And I went and I did something fun that. Wow. I'm just enjoying my own joke. But I. I inverted it. It's something you do a lot. We have the point.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The tablet. Why do we need it? We already have the phone. Let's invert it like a sock and. And say it the other way. Nice iPad Nano.

[Valerie]

I do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, it's another way of a. To seeing you through you 3D chess jokes all the time.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I love it.

[Valerie]

It's really nice of you to say.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you nuts?

[Valerie]

All right, now I feel like.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm such all in.

[Valerie]

Thank you. Yeah, No, I. I feel, like, so dumb today and such brain fog that I'm like, huh? I be. I'd be smart sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

I be having a hard time.

[Valerie]

Me be smart. But ouchy head.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fantastic. I've been struggling just with mental clarity and. And maybe people need to hear this. Go gentle. Go gentle.

[Valerie]

Gentle on yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Summer, as we all know, is not my season. It's too. It's too primary color. It's too Coca Cola.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And speaking of. We already know that point. I want to say Leela and I, our daughter, have been playing Mario Brothers for the Switch. Switch one. Relax. And I don't know which one it is, but have you ever noticed what it's called?

[Valerie]

It's just the Super Mario Brothers First Switch. What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I think I honestly feel like I'm looking at you. You're in the rain. You're holding a cup of. Of soup, and the rain is getting in the soup, and there's, like a very feral cat kind of super figurating between your legs. And it's Christmas. And, like, I open the door and there's a turkey behind me, and everyone's. And there's plenty of room for you. And I open, and it's dark, and it's cobblestones, and you're wearing, like, a. Like a Oliver kind of cap. And you have elbow patches, but you're not a professor. But the jacket is, like, seven times too big. Like, it's clearly your dead dad's. And you're standing there in the cat. Have the soup, and it's getting cold.

[Valerie]

My hair's, like, up in the hat.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course it is. And there's chimney soot on your face, and you go. I think it's just called Super Mario Brothers for switch. That's how I felt when you said that. I can't handle that.

[Valerie]

That's honestly how I felt when I said it to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Come in the house. We're having turkey.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You live here now. Okay, you can't say that. That was too darling. And it's not.

[Valerie]

It's not Super Mario Brothers.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead again.

[Valerie]

I'm embarrassed. First of all, I can't be at this dinner party. I'll try to earn it and come back in a year.

[Pete Holmes]

No one 99 of the world is on your side, and I am not. I'm even on your side.

[Valerie]

Thank you, world.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm even on your. I don't know what it's called. Okay, I do know that there's enough Mario Brothers games that it's not called Super Mario Brothers.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

That's all I'm saying.

[Valerie]

I believe you. There's just enough, like, I don't. I truly don't know really the difference. I know that I used to play Super Mario Brothers on a Super Nintendo.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called Super Mario Brothers U Deluxe.

[Valerie]

Okay. I was not far.

[Pete Holmes]

Super Mario Brothers is like the genre.

[Valerie]

That's what I mean. That's why I'm saying it's just.

[Pete Holmes]

You Deluxe is what we're looking for.

[Valerie]

Look, okay, I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

I. You can't stress how on your side I am.

[Valerie]

I feel.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't Google it to humiliate you.

[Valerie]

No. I don't feel humiliated. I don't feel anything.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. You Deluxe.

[Valerie]

Okay, so you Deluxe. But the first. The first one, like the original, that I played for soup on Super Nintendo was called Super Mario Brothers.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, do you want to get weird right now?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called Super Mario Bros. All right, well, now I'm. I told you. Yeah, I told you.

[Valerie]

I'm not annoyed at you. You walked right into just the fucking.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a fucking. This is. This is your nightmare. You had ice cream before bed.

[Valerie]

That is. I just told you. It's called Super Mario Bros. Yeah, that is the exact. And again, I can't stress how much I am a grade like, not directing this at you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That is the exact kind of thing I hate.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course, that is a lie. I just made Frankenstein's monster. Yeah, you did look like a passable thing to say at a party.

[Valerie]

You're right. You totally did.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you send that to me?

[Valerie]

Yes, a listener sent that to me. It was so great.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it was the last page of Frankenstein, which, by the way, there's a national album called the First Two Pages of Frankenstein. Fun.

[Valerie]

Oh, that's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's Two. And we saw the last one. And someone wrote in at the end of Frankenstein. Oh, and by the way.

[Valerie]

And as Frankenstein drifted away.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay to call me Frankenstein. You don't have to call me Frankenstein's monster. Look, we've covered this ad nauseam.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And we love it.

[Pete Holmes]

And we love it. But I just made that look like fucking nothing compared to correcting someone and saying it's called Super Mario Bros. The reason I did it, though, was to delight you and to show I don't know why I did it. It's the worst. Is why I did it.

[Valerie]

But we do kind of wonder if we should have, like, a family twitch account.

[Pete Holmes]

Twitch. Yeah, because Switch twitch.

[Valerie]

A switch twitch. Because it is really funny. I think it's really to, like, just watch you, me and Lila playing you deluxe. Is that what we're calling it?

[Pete Holmes]

You're the queen of my heart playing you deluxe. Everyone knows what I mean when I say you deluxe. Sounds like a way you'd augment a burger.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I get that? You Deluxe.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It honestly sounds like something you'd get at. In n out.

[Pete Holmes]

In n out.

[Valerie]

Hide it, hide it. Hide that ketchup package.

[Pete Holmes]

Hide it.

[Valerie]

But we, you know, Leela is six, so she's a hot mess. And I'm also not very good because, again, no, you're good. The last time I played really, was Super Mario Brothers. So I was a child.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm just being a rascal.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

And so we're, like, bumping into each other, and then you are always ahead of us as Mario.

[Pete Holmes]

What's exactly like being at the airport?

[Valerie]

So she's. I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm at the gate. You guys are at a Cinnabun.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I think it does make it cuter that you are always Mario.

[Pete Holmes]

Always.

[Valerie]

Oh, what did I say? Oh, I thought I said something.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I was. Yes. And I'm like, always.

[Valerie]

You're always Mario. I'm always Toad. Leela's always Toadette. So it's just like two little, like mushrooms.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's my life following. Bumping into each other. And you're like, jump on my head. And then I jump over you. And they're like, okay, I'm going to jump on your head. And then I jump on your head.

[Pete Holmes]

It is madness.

[Valerie]

It's, like, insane.

[Pete Holmes]

It's absolutely insane. And it's deeply funny.

[Valerie]

I think it's really funny and maybe kind of adorable.

[Pete Holmes]

I think so, too. I don't. I don't. I. I. I agree. That people might enjoy watching it. That's what I'll say. I don't know if I want to set up a Twitch account.

[Valerie]

I agree. But did you know that. And this is some. Seems somehow related, because I think it is on Twitch. Like, there's like, a whole world of, like, sort of stuff. Sexy, Magic, the gathering.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, magic the gathering was always a little sexy.

[Valerie]

It wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

No. But, yeah, everyone was horny that was playing it. That's what I'm getting at.

[Valerie]

I think that's what's adding to it is like. It's just like, there's, like, on Twitch and YouTube and, like, there's, like, a.

[Pete Holmes]

Whole culture of, like, wait, there are women playing it. Women in, like, leather bras, I'm guessing.

[Valerie]

Like, maybe some bodices. I'm not sure. I'm imagining. I've never seen it.

[Pete Holmes]

When did the nerds. And I say this as a. I identify as a nerd. I can't say I'm a full nerd. Who cares? I'm just saying it with love.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I. And I also am saying that as, like, isn't that cool?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Valerie]

What a beautiful. Like, these people found each other nerdy.

[Pete Holmes]

Bodiced Magic the Gathering. Playing women.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

Any strip club I've ever been to, begrudgingly. I'm like, what is this? Maxim magazine? Look, those bodies are beautiful. I'm not saying. I'm just saying it's not for me. I would much rather what you're describing. And the Internet. This is one of the beautiful things about the Internet. You want a babe playing, like, a nerdy babe playing magic.

[Valerie]

Well, and that's what I thought, too.

[Pete Holmes]

There's an app for that.

[Valerie]

I was like. When my friend told me about this last night, that this is like, a whole culture there, that she was like, you didn't know that? And I was like, well, I feel like I knew those kids in high school, and I'm thrilled to hear that there's, like, an avenue now. And she's like, oh. I would say it's like their moment. Like, it's like their world, and we're all living in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is.

[Valerie]

That made me really happy.

[Pete Holmes]

I was also gonna say, when did the nerdy women claim the bodice? Because they did.

[Valerie]

They claimed the bodice card. Like, it's gotta have, like, a ren faire or, like, a larping sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna look. I. I feel a little close to being a little embarrassed here.

[Valerie]

You love a bodice.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a Bodice. And I love a ren faire. I love a, like, thicker.

[Valerie]

Like a milk maid.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm embarrassed.

[Valerie]

Why would you be?

[Pete Holmes]

Only because you get so close to, like, something kind of.

[Valerie]

It just doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Fringe. What I'm saying is the least sexually realized people I grew up with, because none of those. I'm not close with any person that wouldn't be. I need sexual realization.

[Valerie]

That's a requirement.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's true. I think if you're not aware of yourself sexually, I don't mean you have to be overtly sexual. I just need. I need you to have gone through the. The files, the stacks of your sexual library, kind of looked around.

[Valerie]

Right. I need that level of self awareness.

[Pete Holmes]

Self awareness?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. The ones that have done none of that. And this is kind of. I don't know. I don't want to bring Boston into it, but a lot of people, and I'm not thinking about any specific, but, like, it's just. They just go, like, what's her name? Megan Fox.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not mad at Megan. Megan Fox is gorgeous. I'm just saying. Unfortunately, from where I'm sitting, that's the choice of the least creative, least erotic person you've ever met that just goes. I don't know. My erotic library is too fraught with shame or this or that or whatever. That. I'm just gonna pick what gets the least amount of questions asked to me. Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson. So all I'm saying is when we get me at a Ren faire and there's like, that and I'm like, biting my knuckles, like, fucking. I feel a little.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Yeah, I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

And she. If she's eating a turkey leg.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow, jk.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not really my thing.

[Valerie]

No, I think that's great. There's no shame in that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't mind it. But if she's hearty.

[Valerie]

Well, we. Yeah, we know you've had.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't mean just thick. I just mean, like, she's. She'll. She'll go halvesies on a meal Made for Seven with me.

[Valerie]

This is why I'm the woman of your choice. Secret in and out. Yeah, I. I have said this on the pod before, and this is just something that somebody told me, so I don't really know the details exactly, but there is something about, like, the. Certainly the status quo of, like, what is beautiful and what's considered beautiful and hot and sexy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Yes. I love this, what you're about to say.

[Valerie]

And then even, like, what people.

[Pete Holmes]

Porn searches betray that they look for. Yep.

[Valerie]

In a part in like what they think is beautiful. Even what they are reporting doesn't match.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

The porn searches.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what?

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm aligned.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm aligned.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I want. Not just in sexuality. I want alignment. When we have people in our lives that I think are not living their truth in some way, I tend to be a little bit mean to them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And not. Not anybody's face. Not that that makes it that much better. But it's not really a teasing of that. I'm like, I. And I really believe this. I want liberated people. I can't. This is why. Listen to me interview any gay person on this podcast. I'm lit up. I fucking love it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You risked, you know, especially in the 80s, you know, if they're older.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You risked everything. Not everything, but you know what I mean? Like, you took a shot to say, this is. I get. I cry at pride parades. I fucking can't handle it. Movies with those themes and it has nothing. I mean, obviously on one level, it has everything to do with sexuality. To me, it's just liberation. I just need people to fucking be who they are. I can't handle it. I can't handle that they're not.

[Valerie]

It's so interesting that there would be shame attached to attraction. Especially when it's just as. As simple as like body types. Because the. I. I think. I wonder. It's obviously like the shame is. Is how we treat sex in this culture. I think that's so. But I think attraction also feels so out of our control that that's what it is. Really embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the joke.

[Valerie]

Gleaking.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gleeking. And it is like Glee. Some ladies and all the boys.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a gleek. It's a glee downstairs gleek.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's gleaking.

[Valerie]

But it's like you. And that's what's so. But you know what? It. That's why it requires self love. Because if you have self love and you find yourself attracted to someone, there's like a feeling of like, oh my gosh. I'm like, that's who I'm attracted to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like there's some. There's like a surprise element. But it's received with love, if that makes sense. Like, yeah. You're just like, oh, how interesting that I'm attracted to this person.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like cool because it's not really in my control, but like I Love knowing that about myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's.

[Valerie]

But if you don't have the self love, you're like, I'm attracted to them. Like, is that bad? Like, weird. Is it? You know, whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

And we got to get some packing peanuts on there. We got to deal with it gently. And we need to arrive, arrive, arrive. Yeah, you're right. Because for me, unfortunately, the bodiced girl at a Ren Faire was just something I would see in my periphery and be like, you know what I mean? The thought of owning it. And there really is something beautiful about that going from the shameful masturbator. And by the way, that's not shame if that's your experience. I'm not even gonna shame that. I'm just saying maybe that's the end of it. It's just a fantasy for you. But there is something beautiful about going like I. And we're back to the pride parade. I like nipple rings.

[Valerie]

And I'm not. Yeah, I'm not afraid to say.

[Pete Holmes]

Tried to pick something pridey.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm not afraid to say what I like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's beautiful.

[Valerie]

Okay, wait, I have something more on that. But we should go to the mid rolls first.

[Pete Holmes]

We should go to the mid rolls. I'm going to tease a couple things because we've been. We've been really cooking here and we haven't gotten to any of the things I wanted that I was excited to share. So I'm going to tease them for the second half here. Oh, I have one final thing about Mario. It's so quick. I have a very funny AI story. We have a hotel rejection story. Being. Being.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Being not humiliated, but humiliated. And I was gonna. If we had time, I was gonna talk about the festival that I did with Kroll and Jess. I'm like. Which was so fun. That's brilliant. So. And then you have a thing.

[Valerie]

I have a thing that's like, maybe can be up top. Because it's like an extension of this.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course. And by the way, we'll get to none of those. We'll get to some of them when we come back. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element lmnt. Healthy hydration isn't just water. It's water and electrolytes. And for years now, almond has been a big part of my morning routine that I look forward to because it is delicious. It is no nonsense. That means no sugar, no weird crap. It is stevia sweetened, so it's only 5 calories and it tastes amazing. So I'm drinking more water because I can add my element to it. But it's also the optimum ratios of potassium, magnesium and sodium that floods every cell with healthy hydration and makes me feel fantastic and ready to start my day. It gives my brain this jolt, this juice that I feel, all this interconnectivity up there and it gets rid of fatigue, it gets rid of cramps and it just makes you feel fantastic. Hydration is everything and you can try it. You can go to drinklmnt.com weird and when you use promo code weird you'll get a free sample pack of elements most popular flavors. That's two packs of citrus, two raspberry, two of watermelon and two of orange salt so you can find your favorite element flavor. You can also try their sparkling, which sometimes we're drinking here on set, which I absolutely love. Support your body, support this show. Go to drinklmnt.com weird and get your free sample pack with any purchase. That's drinkelement.com weird. We're also brought to us by our friends at Ritual. I've seen so many tiktoks going around about people talking about big secrets, proprietary formulas, the go to supplement. But it makes me wonder what is real and what is snake oil. And I am so happy to say that Ritual is is the most reputable and transparent company that I found. I've sworn by them for years. I love their essential for men 18 plus multivitamin because it is science backed and made with traceable and bioavailable key ingredients. They share their source, their supplier and the scientific research backing each active ingredient. So you know what you're getting and you know what you're putting in your body and you know why. As I say every week, I love the gaps that it fills in my diet. I saw the difference in my blood work before I took Ritual and after. I love that it's gentle on my stomach when I'm fasting because it has a delayed release capsule which also means it's getting into your lower intestine which is where it can actually be absorbed. We're talking about gaps like vitamin D, omega 3, DHA, 10 key nutrients in two delayed release capsules designed for optimum absorption per day. Get Ritual into your life. Feel ready to start your day. Essential for Men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at ritual.com weird that's ritual.com/weird for 25% off your first month. Last but not least, we're brought to us by our friends at Modern Mammals. For years, I wasn't washing my hair. That's how I made it look good. It because I wanted the natural oils in there. The only problem is, after a week of that, you could drag your comb through it. It was like wet cement. It's disgusting. It's horrible. You got to clean your hair. But shampoo dries it out and fries it out. Enter Modern Mammals, the non shampoo shampoo that cleans your hair like shampoo, but won't dry it out like shampoo shampoo. You guys know I work with this company. I love this company. I found them first as a fan. That's why we do these social campaigns together. And this on the podcast. But I am a believer. People text me all the time, is that shampoo really good? And I say, hell, yes. Modern Mammals cleans your hair, but it doesn't dry it out, leaving it all fluffy and poofy and hard to manage. It leaves just enough natural oil in your hair to make it look perfect every single time. Six seconds to perfect hair. I'm hooked for life. Go to modern mammals.com weird. And you can try both products. The bar, which is like a daily maintenance bar, which I absolutely love, and the bottle, which is their magic mud, more of their standard shampoo feel both of these things for $44, and they last a really, really long time. Go to modern mammals.com weird. All right, back to the show.

[Valerie]

Okay, okay, okay, we're back.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just writing down the time for that. Okay, go ahead, my love.

[Valerie]

Well, just that I had a conversation with a friend recently.

[Pete Holmes]

Was this friend you?

[Valerie]

Mm. And it was my hand in a sock puppet. And he was saying he's a man of a certain age. No, he's like 40, in his early 40s. And he was saying. I was saying that it seemed like my friends in, like, their late 30s, early 40s, my female friends seem to be having this sort of sexual awakening. Yeah. Where they're. Yeah. Where they're just sort of like, I am still a virile, vital woman. And, like, how do I express this? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we know.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of nature's strangest games. Is that, like, that boys are blind horny at 16 and women 45.

[Valerie]

That's right. That's right. And that is. And. And that was exactly what I was talking to him about and. Because he was saying, that's so interesting because, like, I just went on a trip with my Guy friends of that age. And it was clear that, like, none of us were having sex, but we were all just sort of like, fine with that.

[Pete Holmes]

These are 40s guys.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. And he was. And he mentioned. And this made a lot of sense to me is he's like, there is sort of a relief to it because it's like how people on Ozempic talk about the relief from Food Noise.

[Pete Holmes]

We're brought to you by Ozempic, guys. Get it in your ass. Ozempic.

[Valerie]

And we're back.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. Promo code. Weird. For 10 off your body.

[Valerie]

Oh, nice. For 10 body fat. Is 10 body fat good? I don't know. I think it might be body fat percentage.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither. I think it is.

[Valerie]

Okay. I think if you're 10, that seems good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's like whole milk.

[Valerie]

So that laugh. So he was saying, like. Like food noise.

[Pete Holmes]

The relief. The relief. Yeah. And the relief from sex.

[Valerie]

Sex noise. Like, not thinking about it constantly is feeling like a relief. And I was like, that's so fascinating that this happens. Yeah. Just like, we're not lined up in this way. But I just was wondering if you've experienced that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny you mentioned porn, and obviously we talk about porn a lot. And I've gone through all these different seasons. One of the reasons why I avoid pornography. I'm not saying I never look at pornography, but I don't. There were times when I was just like, this is the problem. Yeah, Well, I had to overcorrect. I spent so much of my youth being like, this is the worst thing in the world. And then it became more of a habitual thing, and now it's not. And I like where I'm at now. And one of the reasons is, look, no shaming. I've had people get mad at me for, like, shaming it. I'm not doing that. I'm just saying one of the things, like the way that Netflix. Watching a lot of tv, watching a lot of hbo, whatever changes how you look at reality. Watching a lot of pornography is definitely going to change the way you look at reality. It's going to kind of apply that. That lens. And there's more. You'd think there'd be less because you've extinguished the flame. I actually think it's more like, this is it. This. It's all asses and titties and. And then you go around the world and you're like, there's asses and titties everywhere, even if you're not, like, desirous of them.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You've just really noting them.

[Pete Holmes]

You're on that frequency, seeing that. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, right, Totally. But what were we saying?

[Valerie]

Asses and titties, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Asses and titties. Asses and titties.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was. I was tripping over myself to say that we have sex and I'm proud of them.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Well, that's what I'm tripping over myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I please? Can I Like my fire hose donger?

[Valerie]

Well, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Flipping on it like. I'm Matt Bronger.

[Valerie]

Happy to report that you. That. Yeah. We seem to be in a line place.

[Pete Holmes]

All I want to say is, let me have this. I have no trophies. I have no high jump. I couldn't run the mile in gym. Can't I be a sexually. Like, I'm so proud of that.

[Valerie]

You should be.

[Pete Holmes]

That we do it.

[Valerie]

And also no shame to people who are doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

But I have a bit about it where I'm talking about how I don't have that. I'm talking about Viagra. And I go, I don't have that problem with Valerie. And I go, that's not because I'm like a radical dude. It's because you're. And I say this on stage. I'm proud of it. I go, you're a loving and safe beautiful person. Beautiful is misleading. It's like, she's so hot. I can't. I can't not do it.

[Valerie]

Maybe like a little bit of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for sure, you old minx.

[Valerie]

I want a little bit of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for sure, you old minx. But it has a lot to do with a culture. This feels very goop of trust.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what I say in the bit. I go, a boner is a flag you fly to the trust of the safety of your relationship. Which is an absurd thing to say. And you've known me now long enough to know that I've been looking for some sort of way to call a boner, like a flagpole. Or, like, remember I had the line about, like, it's an achievement. You achieve an erection, you hang a trophy, a medal, like a gold medal on it. I've always. And like, 10 years later, I think I finally found the bit where I can say, a boner is a flag you fly to the trust and the safety of your relationship, which is just such a privilege to be able to say that on stage. I love it so much.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyways. But yeah, I. It's weird that men and women are not out of sync in that way.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And and that's like painting with broad strokes for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

But can I also say, a huge part of why we're able to do it is I've really seen. I hope this isn't. We can take it out if it is. But it's like, you've really. I'm the neurotic one and I'm the fragile one when it comes to. I don't know, like, I needed you to come to me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't in terms of fetish or there's nothing weird or kinky about this, but like, you in a very beautiful way, and I hope you feel this way too, have sort of. All I can say is bent my way. You were like, Pete tends to be available for sex. If, for example, I can be like, hey, let's go have sex. Right. That you can be. Which is not the sexiest thing. I'm aware of that. But I have this, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Block. Blockage there. So, like, if I really got into it. Why we don't have that problem is because you. And then. And then in return, I come. I.

[Valerie]

You have.

[Pete Holmes]

I bend towards you.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you have.

[Pete Holmes]

But it started with a very selfless. You going, like, okay, I don't think I have the. The three hour dinner light touch. You have a very, like this podcast. I go, let's do the podcast. Right. And that's not a flaw. It's not ideal for you that I'm like a. Let's have sex.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But sometimes you're just like, okay, this is how it's working from that end. And I really appreciate you've accommodated that. I'm not saying you have to accommodate me, but I've noticed that you did accommodate that.

[Valerie]

That is really interesting because we're out of time, Valerie.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, sorry.

[Valerie]

I think that. I think that it's all like what. What we talked about in the last episode is that just the more I find, you know, things like my pole dancing class or. Or like, like fulfilling creative work or just even just like small ways to feel like a whole, complete person.

[Pete Holmes]

When you say a whole complete person. Like, you have all your holes. I'm a whole complete. I'm a whole complete. I have all. 1, 2, 3, 7. I have all seven of my holes. I'm whole, complete.

[Valerie]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the pee hole. Only Ant man cares about the pee hole. What?

[Valerie]

Wow. What?

[Pete Holmes]

What? I just feel like he has a different perspective. What? That. What? I thought you were gonna move on for sure. And you gave us one more. One more Tim Robinson style. What? What?

[Valerie]

No, just that I am. The more. It's as simple as, like, the more I take care of myself, and the more that I. Yeah. The more I take care of myself and see myself as a whole, separate, complete person, the more virile I feel. And the more virile I feel, the less I need, like, a dinner to romance me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think you're touching on where I was coming from. There's a lot of juice.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm touching on where you were coming from.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. We're moving on.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I loved it here. Real quick, the thing I was gonna say about Mario was that your thing.

[Valerie]

That was my thing.

[Pete Holmes]

You did. Your thing was we're very soft parents. And if I'm playing a game, if I'm playing checkers with Lila, it's absurd. Like, she moves her king. Right.

[Valerie]

You let her win at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. But even so, she moves her king, and right where I can jump her. And I go, leela. And she goes, don't jump me. And I go. And I just move it. Some, like, benign nothing move.

[Valerie]

This is strictly your relationship. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is great. And if you did, maybe I wouldn't. But you don't.

[Valerie]

Right. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So I do.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Balance.

[Valerie]

Balance. Am I saying that right? Balance. Balance.

[Pete Holmes]

Balance. Beyonce is just trying to say balance.

[Valerie]

Is that pronounced Bayance?

[Pete Holmes]

Beyonce.

[Valerie]

All right, this is getting insane. And usually it's insane in Up Top, but it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love it. I have a call at 1. That's fine. That's fine.

[Valerie]

Okay. This is just basic scheduling. You can do it.

[Pete Holmes]

We can do it. We can do it. I'm going to be a little late to that meeting. It's fine.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine. Well, my lawyer says it's urgent. I'm a column in an hour.

[Valerie]

That was of all of the, like, candid conversations we've had in relationship moments we've had on the podcast. I think that was the most realistic peek into what our life, which often is, is just like, your alarm going off and you saying in a very, like, just normal voice, oh, I have a call.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, like, I broke out of something.

[Valerie]

That's, like. That was just a little sneaky peek into, like, really what it's like to be beaten now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I mean, I think we're all the things, but, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean. Okay. So anyway, we're almost out of time now, I'm realizing, but Mario is like, the pool in the pool. I can't be Gentle with Leela. She'll choke on water like she's in danger. So I like that the pool is a better teacher than I am. And I actually think Mario is fucking fantastic for specifically the kind of parenting, the kind of lessons that you and I were awash in in the 80s when we were playing Mario with Lila. You fell in a chasm. You dead right. And she did it five times. You're done.

[Valerie]

You're really, really over.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't go, oh, let's just reboot. Let's put in another quarter. You did, like, at the end of the level, she'll be respond or whatever, but I like how fierce it is. And I maybe have said this on the podcast before, but when my parents were sort of indifferent about me playing video games, when Leela threw her first fireball in Street Fighter, I was emotional. The end.

[Valerie]

Cute.

[Pete Holmes]

Number two. I. A friend of mine wrote a script, and I wanted an overview of it.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah, this is great.

[Pete Holmes]

And so I didn't have time to read it, but I wanted to know what it was about so I could talk to them about it. I loaded it into Chad GPT and it was like this. This is a very interesting movie. This is about a guy who gets out of jail and goes into a small town and does a series of convenience store robberies. He gets shot, and he has a cane, and all, like, the details were off the charts. And then I did read it. I actually read the synopsis, and I was like, oh, weird. And then I read it. Zero.

[Valerie]

It was not even remotely accurate.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, it's very good at that stuff. This isn't me making fun of the blinking 12 on the VCR. It was just zero. Yeah, it had all these names. All of the names were wrong. All of the things that happened were wrong. Yeah, I want. I wonder if it's up. I wonder if it's in my. This might be worth it. If it's in my history, I'm gonna say, no, it's not.

[Valerie]

Summary.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a different one.

[Valerie]

Oh, you've been doing this a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, here we go. Yes. Okay, I'm gonna say. Sorry, that was zero percent correct. I want to see what it says. Sorry, that was zero percent correct. Thank you for your patience. Here's a corrected, accurate breakdown.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is also wrong. Wow, this is also wrong.

[Valerie]

Okay. Is this good?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't know if this is good radio. Yeah, I guess that wasn't that interesting. I couldn't wait to. Okay. Like a real. Like a real Dingbat.

[Valerie]

Close the computer.

[Pete Holmes]

I closed the computer just out of.

[Valerie]

Like, just, like, done with ChatGPT. Close the computer. That's what we're recording on.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a real dingbat. All right. Yeah, real fast. Sorry, guys. I hate that I have this call, and I feel like it changed the vibe. We went from, like, a. Into the great wide open. Like, what's happening? We're just playing around to feeling the pressure of the clock. But, Mia, I story was kind of a dud.

[Valerie]

We wasted some of our precious time on that. But that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought it was so interesting. I mean, it couldn't have been wronger twice. And it's. And I'm gonna keep talking. I'll give you an update on this horrible story next time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I could talk about the hotels.

[Valerie]

I think. Let's let. We could save it until you have more time.

[Pete Holmes]

More time to unpack it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right. This one, you know, some end with a bang. Some just sort of fizzle out.

[Pete Holmes]

And in an episode where we talk so much about our sex life, why not end with a soft, sad whimper?

[Valerie]

With a. This never happens.

[Pete Holmes]

My line is, I got hot. Yeah, sorry, I just got all hot.

[Valerie]

You haven't said that in a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. But it's a good line for the boys out there.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, Just get. You just overheat. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all the blood left your wanger and went to your body. You're all hot.

[Valerie]

And then I would blow on your face. Is that too intimate?

[Pete Holmes]

No. And then. And there. That was in one of the Batman sketches. I riffed it made the cut. I go, sometimes the sexiest thing a woman can do is forgive. And it's based on that, because whenever you would do that and make me feel safe and fine.

[Valerie]

This is intimate. All right. See, this one did end with a bang.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. Ooh. Literally. Literally.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, go ahead.

[Valerie]

All right, Keep it crispy.