We Made It Weird #244

Summary

Podcast Summary: “We Made It Weird #244” – You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Airdate: March 27, 2026
Hosts: Pete Holmes and Val
Theme: Deep Dives into Everyday Weirdness, Marriage, Self-Discovery, Vulnerability, and Non-Dual Awareness

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Episode Overview

Episode 244 of "We Made It Weird" is an intimate, lively conversation between married co-hosts Pete Holmes and Val. The heart of this episode beats with reflections on Pete’s attendance at a week-long Rupert Spira non-duality retreat, Val’s recent colonoscopy, the pressures and weirdness of maintaining individual autonomy within marriage, and the peculiarities of personal transformation. Their playful, honest rapport tackles everything from Hollywood’s obsession with plastic surgery to the surprisingly philosophical insights yielded by medical procedures and psychedelic experiences.

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Pete’s New Comedy Special & Book Announcement

Timestamp: 00:27 – 03:08

• Pete plugs his new special, "Silly Silly Fun Boy," recently released on YouTube:
  • "It's silly, silly fun. Boy, I love it. I watched it. I love it. I'd forgotten a lot of it." – Pete (00:58)
  • Val calls it her favorite of his specials, particularly praising the opening.
• Pete and Val discuss the importance of pre-orders for Pete’s upcoming kids’ book, Spells to Cast on Your Parents:
  • "You're gonna be casting spells on you...empowering the kid and making them feel magic and special." – Pete (02:03)
  • Both jest about the awkward pressure to push pre-orders.

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2. Parenthood, Breast Implants, and Social Pressures in Hollywood

Timestamp: 05:31 – 15:23

• The couple riff on the origins of breast implants, with Pete’s signature absurd humor:
  • "It's just a Ziploc bag filled with titty." – Pete (07:02)
  • "Don't say titty. That was the worst." – Val (07:11)
• They segue into a broader chat about plastic surgery, societal pressures, and aging:
  • Pete and Val reflect on how almost everyone in Hollywood, especially at certain fame levels, is getting cosmetic work.
  • Discussion of how Botox may affect the subtlety of actors' performances.
  • "I wonder if Botox makes you a better cinema actress because you don't move as much." – Val (17:04)
  • The episode maintains a self-aware, lighthearted tone but touches on real insecurities and observations about appearance in show business.

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3. Movies as Life Metaphors & The "Plane Movie" Concept

Timestamp: 15:23 – 18:05

• Pete and Val coin the idea of the “perfect plane movie” (entertaining, but low-stakes viewing), using films like "Roofman" and "Perfect Days" as examples.
  • "What do we really mean when we say plane movie? I think we just mean light. Fair. Cozy." – Pete (13:30)
• Reflection on delayed gratification in both media and life ("binging" versus savoring), comparing it to earning rewards ("working all summer for the car" in youth, 31:29).

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4. Colonoscopy Talk: Vulnerability, Care, and Gendered Experience

Timestamp: 18:14 – 28:14

• Val narrates her recent colonoscopy, normalizing the experience and demystifying the prep:
  • "It was not as big of a deal as I thought...I was a little more married to the toilet than you were...maybe an hour and a half, and then it was done." – Val (18:55)
  • Both discuss the vulnerability of being in medical care and how it exposes dependencies and emotional needs.
• Pete relates his own positive colonoscopy experience, aiming to reduce fear and stigma for listeners.
• The couple highlight the importance of loved ones providing care and comfort during medical vulnerability.

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5. Marriage & Autonomy: Letting Each Other 'Have a Thing'

Timestamp: 28:14 – 36:11

• Pete details his spiritual retreat, noting it’s "the non-Val, non-Leela highlight" of his year, and how important it is to have something that’s just his.
  • Val affirms the necessity of autonomy:
    • "To stay attracted to somebody for your entire life is to be able to see them as a whole person outside of you, doing their own thing." – Val (35:13)
  • The conversation weaves in references to Esther Perel on long-term desire and avoiding codependence.
• Both admit occasional feelings of vulnerability or envy, but ultimately value encouraging each other's personal pursuits.
  • "It's essential for a long term relationship." – Val (35:00)

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6. Non-Duality and Lessons from the Rupert Spira Retreat

Timestamp: 41:23 – 66:29

• Pete offers a deep dive into the insights and breakthroughs from his week-long meditation retreat:
  • He describes being stoned with his friend Tatiana and discussing the nature of perception, depth, and how the mind constructs reality.
  • Shares a breakthrough about the illusory connection between external events and emotional reactions:
    • "There is no free will. We're just lawfully unfolding this...That lets everybody off the hook." – Pete (55:07)
  • Val references Elizabeth Gilbert: "Either we are all innocent or none of us are...I believe that we’re all innocent in that we're only as conscious as we can be." (56:20)
• They connect these realizations to therapy (Internal Family Systems) and practice—using metaphors like clouds in the sky and ink blots in water to illustrate transient emotions and experience.
  • Pete explains the comfort he finds in recognizing the "impersonal" nature of awareness and experience:
    • "We're all as innocent as birdsong. There is no inside, outside. It's all just happening in the tank of awareness." – Pete (55:07)
• Rupert Spira's teaching is praised for its ability to move listeners from conceptual to experiential understanding.
  • "That's the understanding. Not only is this not for the mind, nothing is for the mind. Understanding happens somewhere else." – Pete (63:47)
• Val adds: "It's a constant pointing to the same thing over and over. And it's the simplest thing." (65:00)
• The couple share closing mantras for remaining present:
  • "Is it here? It's always here. Your awareness is always here." – Pete (66:14)
  • "Enjoy yourself even when you're not." – attributed to Adyashanti (66:17)

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7. Reflections on the Special and Creative Process

Timestamp: 59:20 – 61:10

• Pete and Val reflect on the experience of creating and re-watching his comedy special, noting the unusual pleasure of enjoying one’s own work after a break:
  • "I had something pretty close to that where I was like, I don't remember this joke...I was laughing." – Pete (60:28)
  • Both encourage listeners to check out "Silly Silly Fun Boy" on YouTube.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Marriage & Autonomy:
  "The way to keep desire and to stay attracted to somebody your whole life is to see them as a whole person outside of you...The second they merge into just an extremity of your own body, you’re not any more attracted to them than your own hand." – Val (35:13)

• On Non-Duality & Awareness:
  "We're all as innocent as birdsong. There is no inside, outside. It's all just happening in the tank of awareness." – Pete (55:07)

• On Vulnerability:
  "I felt like I needed you. I needed my mom. I was just like, I really feel like I need people, because I can't. I don't have my basic needs met." – Val (26:15)

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Episode Flow & Tone

The tone is warm, playful, and irreverently philosophical. Pete and Val oscillate between comedic riffs (on breast implants and Hollywood culture) and sincere vulnerability (medical anxieties, spiritual seeking, relationship maintenance). The episode’s rhythm is punctuated with genuine affection, candid self-reflection, plenty of laughter, and a couple’s hard-won insights into growth—individually and together.

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For Listeners Who Haven't Tuned In

This episode is as much about the “weirdness” of everyday living, aging, and loving as it is about spiritual seeking or showbiz. Expect a blend of real talk and whimsy, including:

• Marriage and parenting “on hard mode” (parenting while prepping for procedures, career hustle)
• The importance of separate pursuits for romantic longevity
• Honoring the weird, subtle rewards of delayed gratification
• Big lessons from small annoyances (e.g., someone rustling paper in meditation)
• Balancing personal and shared identity in a relationship

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Segment Timestamps

• Pete’s Special & Book Plugs: 00:27 – 03:08
• Hollywood, Breast Implants, Social Pressures: 05:31 – 15:23
• “Plane Movies” & Delayed Gratification: 13:30 – 18:05
• Colonoscopy Talk & Vulnerability: 18:14 – 28:14
• Marriage, Autonomy, Spiritual Pursuits: 28:14 – 36:11
• Non-Duality & Rupert Retreat Insights: 41:23 – 66:29
• Comedy Special Reflections: 59:20 – 61:10
• Key Quotes and Closing Thoughts: 61:16 – end

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Highly Recommended Moments:

• Pete’s articulation of his non-dual “breakthrough”: (55:07 – 56:20)
• Val’s insight on maintaining desire in long-term relationships: (35:13)
• The playful analysis of Hollywood’s obsession with cosmetic work: (05:31 – 17:04)
• Their vulnerable debrief of medical procedures, showing caregiving in partnership: (18:14 – 28:14)

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“We Made It Weird #244” is an invitation to laugh, ponder, and feel a little more at ease in your weirdness—together or apart.

Transcript

[Val]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Val]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

Hi, friends. We're back, baby. Yeah, we were off last week. Yeah, we put out the wonderful Brian Behe, who I loved as a second episode last week, but we are here.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Uh, it's actually earlier.

[Pete Holmes]

Earlier in the week. We're recording this early, but I just got back from my Rupert Spira retreat, so we talk about that phall added colonoscopy. What is this? The table of contents. I do want to plug a couple things. My special premiered last week, the week that you're listening to this, and it is onyoutube.com, which is a website, and you can type in Pete Holmes and it's the first thing that comes up. It's silly, silly fun. Boy, I love it. I watched it. I love it. I'd forgotten about a lot of it.

[Val]

It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry to say. I love it, but I do love it.

[Val]

No, you should feel very proud.

[Pete Holmes]

And Ricky nailed it.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And Christian Dugay of Valley Heat did the music.

[Val]

It's the best.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just fun.

[Val]

I think it's the best opening. It's maybe my favorite special of yours, but I certainly think it's My favorite first 15 minutes of any special ever. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we did. We did that modern thing of, like, we're gonna cut out all the fat and we're just gonna start.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I know is very modern, but we start with like.

[Val]

It's so good. Just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a weird flex that I'm like. I think I start with two bits that could be closers. They're like real pieces.

[Val]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

And then go into Mexico and once. Mexico, what is this? The table of contents.

[Val]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

All I'm saying is I'm proud of

[Val]

it and you should watch it if you haven't already.

[Pete Holmes]

And please watch it and tell a friend. And. And the other thing is spells to cast on your parents. My kids book is available for pre order now. Why does that matter? It's not out for a couple months, but, like it matters.

[Val]

Pre order it.

[Pete Holmes]

Pre orders. I don't know much about it.

[Val]

Why are pushing back on this?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, why are you fighting us on this if you think you're gonna get it? And I think you're gonna get it, like, really cocky. But, like, it's a wonderful, fun book where you and your kid or your nephew or whoever is going to. Gonna be casting spells on you. And you're gonna be making them laugh, and you're both gonna be laughing and empowering the kid and making them feel magic and making them feel special, all

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

the while avoiding the ire of a

[Pete Holmes]

small black dragon named Jesse. Who doesn't want you reading this book of forbidden spells. I mean, that's fun.

[Val]

Yeah, it's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Very monster at the end of the book.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's very special to me.

[Pete Holmes]

And you can get it wherever you get your podcasts, wherever you get your books. Spells to cast on your parents. Please pre order it because they say it helps keep the book in, like in the algorithm, whatever that means.

[Val]

Okay, yeah. So just.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that too sweaty?

[Val]

A little. It was a little sweaty, but I don't think it was too sweaty.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even know what I meant is the problem. Well, but please pre order it. That's all we can say. Just pre order it and go to PeteHomes.com for my tour dates. That's it. That's. We're done.

[Val]

We're done. Plugs, enough.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I cutting you off?

[Val]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, great.

[Val]

Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

So we are one quarter into 2026

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

and AI is already doing incredible, amazing things. It's going kind of nuts. At first it was like, I've got this.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, do you? And it's like, well, actually, yeah, it does.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's hiring humans, it's running databases in seconds. You got co working agents that feel like your replacement on a slow Tuesday.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, great, great, great.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

But honestly, just the beginning. And instead of panicking, we need to get smart about it. We need to get smart with it. That's where Outskill comes in. Outskill is an AI education platform built to help you actually use AI in your work, not just watch videos about it. They've already helped over 10 million people across 100 plus countries and it's completely free to check out. They're hosting a two day live AI mastermind this weekend. 16 hours total, Saturday and Sunday, 10 to 7 Eastern. So it works globally. You'll learn how to build AI agents that can plan, execute and report for you, authorize workflows while you sleep, connect tools like Google Sheets and Notion, basically save hours every week and get real edge at work. And this isn't just random AI guru type stuff. This is built from insights from 100 plus practitioners at companies like Nvidia and Microsoft. Plus bonuses worth $5,000, prompt libraries, a custom AI toolkit builder, and even a roadmap to make money with AI. So just for signing up, you get their AI survival hackbook to stay ahead of the crazy changes. So click the link in the description or scan that QR code, join their WhatsApp community, and get ahead of the thing before it gets ahead of you.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser Than Me with Cyndi Lauper on Amazon Music. Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years, she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way. Listen now only on Amazon Music, included with Prime.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello. Hello.

[Val]

The range.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know I love us

[Val]

like a finishing touch.

[Pete Holmes]

A soft. And I'm a big. I've been leaning on this a lot lately. And then you blow out a candle.

[Val]

Ooh. Have you. Because I haven't heard you do that.

[Pete Holmes]

I did it on Colbert.

[Val]

Oh, yeah, I definitely watched that.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Wow.

[Val]

It is weird that I haven't watched it yet.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not weird at all. I parent. Parent life.

[Val]

Parent life. Be all consuming.

[Pete Holmes]

We have one. What's our sounds? What are these sounds? I'm just kind of gushing.

[Val]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Pete Holmes]

Just kind of.

[Val]

You're, like, literally bubbling up like, think

[Pete Holmes]

of me as a breast implant. Oh. Like a jellyfish that make them titties. Boom. The guy who invented breast implants, was he out for a swim with some jellyfish?

[Val]

And he's like, I got it.

[Pete Holmes]

I got it. We take out these dangle dingles.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You know the dangle dingles.

[Val]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

Although now that I say that, I'm like, nothing is more obvious than a breast implant. It's just a Ziploc bag filled with titty.

[Val]

Well, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say titty. That was the worst.

[Val]

That way. Filled with titty.

[Pete Holmes]

Filled with titty. Well, that's what the doctor said.

[Val]

What you said.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I'm quoting the doctor. He. The doctor board the. And he said, I'm 40 years old. I am 47 in five days.

[Val]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Who cares?

[Val]

I care.

[Pete Holmes]

Birthdays are for babies. Birthdays are for babies. Birthdays are for cake and cards and candles and hats. Cakes, cards, candles and hats, streamers.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

You better be a baby if you're being like, it's my birthday. You're a baby.

[Val]

I've literally had the exact like, oh, yeah, my things. Let me put my cans on. These cans are full of titty.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the finish. The riff. He stood in front of the board and he was like, we take a bag that's filled with titty.

[Val]

Well, I was gonna say for years before that happened, women were doing what I did or which. Like young girl chicken cutlets. What I did for a long time, which was. Yeah, but it's not chicken cutlets. It's not. Because this is even before that. It's filling like water balloons. It and like stuffing. Like getting really creative with ways that you can stuff your bra. And one of them is water balloons.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Val]

Yes. That's the most realistic. In fact, one of my favorite moments from one of my favorite movies, now and Then.

[Pete Holmes]

What movie?

[Val]

It's called now and Then. The girl from. What is her name? The girl from American Beauty.

[Pete Holmes]

American Beauty X

[Val]

the dog.

[Pete Holmes]

You're having some sounds.

[Val]

No, no, I'm not. You're leaking on moveon.org I just like, freaked out because my wedding ring wasn't on my finger and I looked and it was on the other finger.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you lost it.

[Val]

I lost my wedding band. My engagement ring.

[Pete Holmes]

The wedding band you hired was amazing. And then you lost them.

[Val]

That's true. Anyway, so she stuffs her bra and she like, is always has like stuffing her bra with different things and she figures out that filling a water balloon with pudding is the perfect texture.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. I agree with that. So anyway, but a lot of pudding, it's got to be pudding to the. If it's not enough pudding, that's like a Saint Bernard's cheek. You got to have a good amount of pudding.

[Val]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to probably need. I'm going to say you're probably going to need more pudding than you think.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

So get the whole snack pack.

[Val]

Girls have been doing that. So whoever invented the breast implant, why

[Pete Holmes]

is it a woman? It was a man. It's a man wanted it. Did a woman make it?

[Val]

I don't know. Probably not.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet a man.

[Val]

I think they are way older than we think they are.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Val]

I'm sure they go back further than we think.

[Pete Holmes]

And somebody was the first and somebody was the first and I Look. Do you ever feel this way about plastic surgery? Just in general? It's kind of sweet. It's kind of like I kind of feel like I know I'm opening a can of worms, but I don't even mean it in that way. Like, I'll just see. Like, I saw a movie recently and somebody had some Work done. Actually, it was a man and a woman I saw. I'm not going to say who. It's not that kind of show. Channing Tatum. I saw a Channing Tatum movie called Roofman, and I really liked it. And I was like, I feel like

[Val]

he's had work done.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe. Yeah, it's hard to know. He just looked very bright and tight

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

and Channy boy, you're so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so talented. I have no notes. This isn't me putting you down, but just like, oh, there it is. There's Hollywood.

[Val]

I feel like I'm very naive when it comes to who's having work done. Like, the answer is everybody in. In our world. Like, in la, it's everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm. That's one of the great things about my cruising altitude is I'm. I'm a few. Foul. Foul. What is it?

[Val]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

20,000? I'm a few leagues under the sea. Yeah, I'm. But in. In the air, I think it's something like, jimmy, I'm low. I'm. I'm not flying so high that I'm at the. Like, can you get rid of these grays? Or whatever.

[Val]

If you were a woman at your exact fame level, you would be, you think doing it. Yes, because everyone. Every woman I know who's exactly at your fame level is doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm telling you, I'm correct you there. There's no woman at my exact fame level. And I sort of resent the implication there that I'm at like, a lady.

[Val]

Do what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

That I'm at a lady level. Jk. Chelsea Handler. Way bigger. And she. I bet if she. I can feel her screaming. Of course, I have a little bright and tight.

[Val]

At least Botox people are doing that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why I saw Gwenny Paltrow. And again, no Shade, but in Marty supreme, which is very good. I'm gonna re. Watch it with you. I watched it so low Meeting alone.

[Val]

I also wanted to watch Roofman.

[Pete Holmes]

I was without you, and I was. So, yeah, Roofman is a pass.

[Val]

Okay. But you really liked Marty supreme because people have been saying it's too long. It's overrated.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I have a very strong feeling about Marty Supreme. And who knew this was the Oscars edition of We Made It.

[Val]

Oh, perfect timing. It's over.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to put down Roofman, but there are some movies where you're like, you. You. A plane movie.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's okay.

[Val]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

I watched it On a plane. I was like, this is perfect.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew it was good because I didn't finish it on one fl. And then I finished it on another flight.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that felt right. I'm not saying it wasn't well made or well acted. It was everything. It was. It was all fine. But, you know, true story about a guy robbing McDonald's through the roof and then he hides in a Toys R Us. It's always going to be kind of like just a fun.

[Val]

That is a perfect plane movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Perfect plane movie. Yeah.

[Val]

I felt that way about the roses. I loved the roses there. No. Yeah. I. And I would rewatch that with you as well, but I was like, in a good way. This is a perfect plane movie.

[Pete Holmes]

And what do we really mean when we say plain movie? I think we just mean light. Fair.

[Val]

Yeah. Cozy.

[Pete Holmes]

Although. Because Perfect Days is an incredible.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wouldn't you agree? Schindler's List is an incredible film.

[Val]

I watched Perfect Days on a plane.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great plane movie, and it's a masterpiece. It can be both.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So sometimes it's both. I don't want to put down Roofman. I am thinking about, like, the director, the writer. I'm already saying Channy T looked like he tightened. He tightened it up. But he also looked like he lost a lot of weight. I was like, wow.

[Val]

He's probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe for the role, maybe turning down the roles.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

He looked very svelte. Any who's a woozle, Gwenny Powell in Marty supreme looked like she had just

[Val]

too many of them.

[Pete Holmes]

She had just been, like, a little tight, like, a little tightened, Tightened. It looked good.

[Val]

When she was on the stage at the Oscars, Lisa, my friend, was like, is. That's Gwyneth Paltrow. Like, she was like, she looks so different.

[Pete Holmes]

She's been. She did. Who cares?

[Val]

They all do. I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like. This is like Julia Roberts being, like several painful surgeries. Remember?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Notting Hill. So it's not like she's out there just being vain or anything. And it would be fine if she just wanted to look good for herself. I do feel like it's the pressure of being a starlet. And in Marty supreme, she's playing a star. That's perfect. It was.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It was the right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know. What was. What are these sounds?

[Val]

I don't know. And it's so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it.

[Val]

No, it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like I'm Jack Lemmon. You're jacked on lemons?

[Val]

On lemon.

[Pete Holmes]

Mike's hard.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you really ever drunk on Mike's hard? You're just jacked on lemons.

[Val]

What's cool about her doing that film was that she hasn't acted. She's playing a starlet who hasn't acted in a long time. And that was true. That was her first.

[Pete Holmes]

And gooping it. Yeah. Well, Marty supreme is very good. What do I want to say? Work done. Who cares? People get it. Who cares?

[Val]

You just said you wanted to say something.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a strong feeling about Marty Supreme.

[Val]

What was it?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's that people. I heard a lot of flap. Heard a lot of people talking jive, flapping their gun. I heard a lot of flap about Marty Supreme. People were out there. They were on the streets. They were on the web.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they were going, I don't know about this Marty Supreme.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll tell you, sometimes that's the perfect enema before the dump that you take. That is Marty supreme. Because it cleans everything. You had a colonoscopy. We should talk about it.

[Val]

I know we should.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying if you watch Marty supreme thinking it's going to be bad. It's so good.

[Val]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just one of those movies that I think people went in being like,

[Val]

this is an Oscar winning movie.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was, it was. It was totally like, worthy of being nominated for best picture and all that stuff. And Chalamet is really great in it and Gwenny Powell is great in it. And I loved it. It's really. It's really a feat to make a movie about ping pong and have the audience collectively get over the fact that it's a little too much like Forrest Gump.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We only had room as a culture for one story that even involved ping pong.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the Saf brothers were like. Or one of the Saffron brothers was like, Saffron. Zac Efron.

[Val]

I knew you were gonna say that.

[Pete Holmes]

We've merged into Moni Clair filled with delicious. I don't want custard unless it's in an eclair.

[Val]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

The Brits, I think, are just eating custard.

[Val]

I think they do.

[Pete Holmes]

Bowl of custard.

[Val]

I think it's their pud you want that for Pud.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of pud, I was also on my Rupert Spiro retreat. There's a lot to cover.

[Val]

Yeah. Also, one more thing about Botox. I. I wonder if Botox makes you a better cinema actress because you don't move as much. Because you don't move as much. So it's smaller and subtler. And I often think, oh, my God,

[Pete Holmes]

I'm, like, three Botox away from being, like, an interesting actor.

[Val]

Totally. I really think so. I think, like, I've thought this before. I was like, I don't think the silver screen can handle these expressive eyebrows.

[Pete Holmes]

Yours?

[Val]

Yes. Like my.

[Pete Holmes]

I love your brows.

[Val]

I think if I, like. I just think, like, even my brows move when I'm listening to somebody. I'm doing the expressions that they are doing.

[Pete Holmes]

I just had a guess, and I

[Val]

feel like if I were trying to act and that was happening, people would be like, this is terrible acting.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Val]

But I'd be like, but that's my realest face.

[Pete Holmes]

People have faces like you.

[Val]

Do they?

[Pete Holmes]

And I bet there are actresses like you. I love it.

[Val]

Well, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You have the perfect amount of expressiveness for me.

[Val]

Well, I guess that's basically exactly what I wanted to hear.

[Pete Holmes]

But is it. It's subplay. True. Okay. You add a colon.

[Val]

I added a colonoscopy. I mean, I guess we don't have to get into the details of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I want to say. May I?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's your colonoscopy, but I want to say this. We're two for two. Everybody's like, it's the worst. Taking the. The fiber, it's the worst. Both the. The Val and I both had, it's like, four poops.

[Val]

I mean, I won't get into the details of mine because I'm a lady. I will say it was not as big of a deal as I thought.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all I want to say. And we're out here saving lives, Val. People are out there going, like, I don't want to be married to the toilet. No, I'm already seeing the urinal. Well, I like that.

[Val]

I will say I was a little more married to the toilet than you were, but for, like, I'm in an open marriage maybe an hour and a half, and then it was done.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And then everything. The hardest part was that you have to take the second round at five in the morning. And I was like, honestly, I'll poop in all day. I don't care. I don't want to wake up at five in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Val]

That's insane. I understand, but. And then the procedure itself was no big deal. It really does feel fun to, like. I felt. It felt kind of fun for him to be like, okay, I'm going to give you the medicine to help you go to sleep. And I was like, I'm going to see exactly when I start feeling.

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

I was like, I'm not going to wear this.

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[Pete Holmes]

And, and it didn't cost a fortune.

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[Pete Holmes]

That's the word.

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

Okay, Leila interrupted us again and I just rubbed my face saying I don't do well with interruptions. I really don't.

[Val]

I know you get on such a roll.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm trying and I think we are. I'm not trying you know what I mean?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to go down the water slide.

[Val]

I'll. I'll pick it up. So I. I did, like, the. The moment that I started to, like, get sleepy and go out, which is so weird because I really noticed this time, like, the eyelids heavy thing. There's nothing like this in life. You never get sleepy that fast.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Val]

So I was just like, all right, I wonder when I'm gonna start. And I like. And like, I didn't give any commands, but my eyelids started doing the, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Completely involuntary.

[Val]

And the woman who was putting in my, like, medieval mouthpiece to keep me from grinding had a clover necklace. And in my head it was like, really, like, oh, that's low key. And then she's like, okay, hon, your procedure's done. Like, it felt exactly like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

So, yeah, it was not a big deal. I will say, I think this is interesting. I. And I didn't really share this with you too much, but, like, I had the morning after. I was so thirsty and hungry. I'm sorry, the morning, like, of my procedure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because you can't have anything.

[Val]

You can't have anything and you're totally cleaned out. And I was so hungry and thirsty that I noticed I was feeling anxious. But it wasn't about the procedure. It was like this survival lizard brain thing of being, like, I don't have what I need. I can't get what I need. I don't have my basic.

[Pete Holmes]

You felt cornered.

[Val]

I. I felt, like, hungry and thirsty and I couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, with no. With no recourse.

[Val]

Yes, exactly. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just say I was right about.

[Val]

I don't know. I mean, that makes me feel like something is cornering me.

[Pete Holmes]

You're cornered by your circumstances. I'm gonna let this go. I think I know how you feel. I would call that cornered. You just didn't. I don't mind feeling away if I know there's a way to take care of it.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's almost like when the relief starts.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, I'm hungry. You order your food, you start feeling better immediately.

[Val]

Yeah. Well, and that's the thing is, so I felt really vulnerable. Like, I felt like I needed you. I, like, needed my mom. She came. She was the one that was, like, going to drive me home. Like, I was just like, I really feel like I need people because I can't. I don't have my basic needs met. And, like.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's how I felt too.

[Val]

I remember. And you liked.

[Pete Holmes]

And I liked it. Yeah.

[Val]

I Think I liked it once I was being babied, more cared for. I was feeling it and still parenting. So.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. I had a much sweeter setup. I had to drop you and Leela off to meet your mom at the hospital. Yeah. Because I'm out. I'm on these streets where people are flapping about Marty Supreme. I'm out here talking about mustache.

[Val]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like three, four podcasts a day.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a lot.

[Val]

It's crazy. It was, it was a really crazy way to do a colonoscopy because it was like, it was so wedged in between a very busy day. Like, I'm like as, as I'm running to the bathroom back and forth. I'm like helping Leela.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Val]

Do her audition.

[Pete Holmes]

Having a piece of gum.

[Val]

I think I'm still sort of, if I'm honest. And it probably won't happen until after your birthday because you were gone for 12 days.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And then you came back and the day you came back, I had to prep for the school inoscopy and these two. And then like it's been two days since then and you have been working so much. So I think I'm still sort of waiting for like this move, this moment.

[Pete Holmes]

It's coming today. It's coming.

[Val]

I mean, maybe you're about to do this family vacation and, and that, and that will be so fun. I guess what I'm saying is, like, I'd love a break from parenting for a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

But I did get one yesterday actually. You took Leela to la and that, that definitely helped, but I was still like getting. Packing her up for this trip.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know, I'm feeling, I'm glad you, I'm glad you named that because I'm feeling very similar. I've been in this sort of liminal, like we're just about to be on spring break and we're just taking a little staycation. Just a little trip around California, A I think people call it. But having been gone for. So I went on my Rupert retreat, which is, I always say, the non Val Leela highlight of my year. And it is. And I. It was my third one. It's seven days. And it was just. I was, I talked about in therapy today, I was like, oh, this is exactly what I want, like almost anything. I could be at like a cake eating festival or going to Disneyland or some. Just something that I really enjoy. And I think I've said this to you before. I'm always ready to go.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning, like, I could be at an amazing. I've literally been at an amazing Hollywood party. They're giving out free Xboxes. Snoop Dogg. This is real. Snoop Dogg was there. I saw Christina Hendricks was there. It's like a scene, and somebody was like, let's. Do you want to go? And I was like, yes.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I love leaving things.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. Mm. It's not. I. I mean, we could talk about that for a million years. I think it would be boring, though.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

But it's just a lot of things.

[Pete Holmes]

Mostly nothing's quite as good as being in your jams and just kind of hanging out.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah, get in your jams.

[Pete Holmes]

Watching. We started watching the third season of the Comeback, and I realized I hadn't seen the second season of the Comeback, so. Merry Christmas, baby. You got two new seasons of the Comeback. Didn't know there was a second season.

[Val]

I, I, I swear I remember watching it with you, but I did not. I must have watched it by myself, but I think I was stoned because we're. We're watching, like, when I watched it the first time, because we're watching it and there was. It took me a couple moments to realize, like, okay, wait, I have seen this. And then I would. There would be scenes that I'm like, no, I don't remember this. I haven't seen this. There's whole. There's so many.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to do a joke about that. I like that when you binge a show. I did this with big mouth. And then you rewatch it and you're like, I don't like, is this a bonus episode? Like, if someone said this is a bonus episode, the whole episode, you'd be like, yeah, that sounds right. Like you had no memory of it, because these things really are putting us in a trance.

[Val]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's like, you don't remember that part of your hypnosis session.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not even poo pooing watching television, but I am. I am sort of poo pooing, binging stuff. It's not the best way to conclude. Consume it. That's why White Lotus was so special. We're all, like, eating it. One orange slice.

[Val]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

And succession was so successful.

[Val]

Having to wait for it. It's really like, wait for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Turns out that's the whole thing.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that. Actually, I've been talking a lot about, like, the young, younger comics that make it real big, real fast. You know, it means obviously all these things mean less.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is, like, working all summer for the Car.

[Val]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just gonna mean more.

[Val]

Totally. It's. Yes. I feel very strongly, specifically about that. That, like, when. When I. I couldn't get a car until I got a job because I had to pay for Snoop Doggy Dog.

[Pete Holmes]

Better get a job.

[Val]

Yeah. And there. And I swear, driving around felt so much sweeter because I was like, I did this.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't get that until I was in my mid-20s, and then I was like, holy. They were right.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, like, unfortunately, a human being will always take the thing being offered rather than risk that the experience of working for it is better.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What the are you talking about?

[Val]

That's why I think we have to, like, require that from Leela.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. No, I got her pave in the driveway right now. She's out there with one of those. You know what I mean? Pizza slice. The metal pizza slice on handle. You know what I mean?

[Val]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, I'm picturing exactly a pizza slice. I think it is.

[Pete Holmes]

You can do it with a pizza slice. That's what they do in Italy in the old world. That's why pizza was invented, because driveways.

[Val]

Okay, so I will say, going back to. You were on the Rupert, and you can. You can talk more about that, too, but the connection I forgot to make when I was at, you know, getting my colonoscopy that morning, I was, like, feeling anxious because I didn't have my basic needs met and felt vulnerable. One of the ways I knew it was the night before you were telling me all about your retreat, because that was. You had just gotten home, and it's this thing that you. This is your third or fourth year.

[Pete Holmes]

Third.

[Val]

Third year. And you love it more than anything. You don't want to leave. Like, you're saying you love. You have, like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That was me closing the loop on. That is when I'm there, I don't want to leave.

[Val]

Yes. And you. You have a community and, like, a very, very close friend there. And you. You know, it's like this whole experience that means so much to you. That's, like, your favorite thing, and I don't have anything to do with it. And I. That's, like, a rare experience for us going that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You have your dance class. I have your acting class now.

[Val]

Your writers group, all my friendships.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, every single friendship is just,

[Val]

like, I have all these special things, so it goes that way, but it rarely like everything that you do. You really include me.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the only thing where I'm like, goodbye.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this came up because we talked about it because people at the retreat are often like, does your wife appreciate this sort of stuff?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, yeah, she loves it. I always said. But you're more of a, like, don't worry about who planted the orchard, just eat an apple kind of girl.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I really like that. It balances out my, like, feet off, the groundedness. But I'm. But then I was like, oh, maybe when she's older, she'd like to come. You.

[Val]

Me, When I'm old.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Lila will also be older. Like, it's really hard for both of us to leave for a week. That's just not on the table. So, like, older. Everyone's older.

[Val]

Yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe in the future. Yeah, you could come. But then we talked about it and we were like, it's kind of fun that there's something.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You said this, not me. It seems like something I would say. Like, I like that I have just my thing. No, you were guessing that maybe it is nice to have just a special thing.

[Val]

Well, I think, and I've said things like this on the podcast, I think it's essential for a long term relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

To have these things separate from.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be the old couple. And you both have an apple watch and you both have Crocs and you both have the same backpack.

[Val]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And the same hat.

[Val]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

What the fuck is this?

[Val]

And this is like an Esther Perel thing, which is why I know I've talked about it on the podcast, but, like, the way to keep desire and to stay attracted to somebody for your entire life is to be able to see them as a whole person outside of you, doing their own thing. It is being out in the world in their own way. Because the second they merge into just like an extremity of your own body, you're not any more attracted to them than you are your own hand, which. Look, ladies, it'll get the job done. But

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

no, you're.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you're talking about this. I think this is valuable. And in the past, in other relationships, although they're all, you know, sort of foggy. Meaning, it's.

[Val]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

I sometimes call you my real wife. Like, if I tell the story about my divorce, I'm like, then I met my real one. Well, like, I've never really had that. But even more than just you allowing it, the fact that you're, like, encouraging it is supremely cool.

[Val]

Well, and that is my true feeling. Like, that's How I feel about it. And when I was getting my colonoscopy and feeling vulnerable and hungry and thirsty, I like made a comment, like something like, do you wish I talked more about this stuff or was more into this stuff?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Val]

And that was how I knew I was just feeling like in my flight fright. Flight Fright Freeze.

[Pete Holmes]

Flight fright Freeze has got to be an 80s therapy movie we have.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Val]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

No, because Tatiana, my retreat friend, who everybody thought we were married, which our joke was, I would be bringing us a dessert to share. And I'm like, why do people think we're married? Like, it was just. It used to be three of us and one of our friends, Bob didn't come and we realized Bob was a load bearing Bob. He really kept all of this focus off of the idea that we were married.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And we were even with another person. But for some reason, people just thought it must be Tatiana and I. So anyway, she and I talk about it a lot. That's like, so Rupert at the retreat really encouraged. It's not like leader encourages, but he's like, it's really helpful to have friends that you like talking about this stuff with. You were feeling kind of like, do you wish I did? Which, by the way, we do, right? Yeah, I mean, we do all the time. Yeah, we do this podcast all the time.

[Val]

Yes, 100%. I want to be so clear that the point I'm making is that like the second your needs aren't being met and you're like having some sort of survival fear.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

It was such a highlighted thing of like, I betrayed how I actually feel about this, where I'm like, excited for you and happy for you and want you to have this special friendship and like, Right. Love all of this. And then if my, if I feel like my survival is threatened, I'm like, well, you probably wish I was like her, you know, of course. Like, and then it's. So anyway, I just thought that was like, notable. And then I do feel like. And this is being a grown up in that moment, even in that sense state, I was like, I want you to know I don't feel that way.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Val]

I'm really happy that you got it.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why I'm glad you're sharing this. It's a nice. It's something I think before I was with you, I wouldn't have even known to hope for is that somebody would be like, I like that you have your own thing and your own identity. Not that we need to be a part but there is something like, it's a reminder. Like when you're doing your short film, I'm like, oh, that's so good. I didn't even know to want that. Yeah, like, I knew to want that because I want you to be happy. But then this is like, I really want to make up a word that means this. Remember I've talked about this before. I think we put a pool cover on our pool because we didn't want children falling in the pool. They can't swim. So you're doing it for kids. And it's. It costs so much more than I thought it was going to cost. I was really like kind of mad about it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I was like. But then it ends up keeping the pool really warm and I'm the one who swims. So I did this thing for kids. But then it ends up benefited you and this happens. I can't even tell you. I'm too maybe burnt out to tell you how many examples I have of this where I'm doing something for other people. But it ends up being great for me. So I'm like being happy for you to do and supportive, obviously, naturally. But like leaning into that. Go do your short film, go do all these different things. But then it makes me feel better about you and myself and the relationship. It's just like, yes, it's wonderful. It's giving it away and having more kind of thing.

[Val]

Right. Totally. And that is sort of the idea behind it is that, you know, it's in everyone's best interest for each partner to be living a full best life where they're not getting.

[Pete Holmes]

But what's better than someone who has a real interest? Like the fact that I can say that this, like, I love going on that retreat so much. And the reason I was gone for 12 days. I would never normally do this, but I was on Colbert, which you haven't seen. And then I went to Detroit, which you still haven't asked about. I'm just kidding. Which were great shows. And then. And then I went to. I had to. To promote the special. And the book spells to Caster and your parents available for pre order now. But the special is on YouTube.com it's a website.

[Val]

But we should talk about that.

[Pete Holmes]

We will. Yeah, we should. Even more than the Rupert retreat. But like, I forget what I was saying. Oh, to have figured out the thing. So when I'm in Detroit, I would have nightmares that I was at the retreat and it was the last night and I was like, I missed it somehow. I missed it. I'm here. Sometimes when you're traveling a lot, you wake up and you don't know where you are. It doesn't happen often, but it happened in Royal Oak. And I woke up and I thought I was at the retreat and I thought it was the last night and I was getting up to leave and I was like, I missed my favorite thing. So for someone to know, someone who spent a lot of my life being like, yeah, I like these kinds of things, but I don't really know my thing. And then not only is that good for me, it's good for you.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a defined and definable person who knows himself.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know that you were very like, so Colbert was on Wednesday, which meant I had to fly it on Tuesday. And then I do Colbert. And then there were other things. And then Thursday was Michigan Friday, Saturday, Michigan Sunday, go to San Francisco for a week. And like, I didn't really think you would, but there was a possibility that you would be like, I, you can't do Colbert. That's too long. Or no, you would never say that. You would never say that.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it occurred to me that it would have been within our rights as a couple to be like, that's too long. But you were like. Or like, maybe come back from the retreat early or something. But like, no one was touching the retreat. And my whole team doesn't touch the retreat. Yeah, nobody bothers me. It's like this. I'm just really. I've spent so much of my life wanting to know what is my happiest thing. And it turns out it's going to bed at like 9 o'.

[Val]

Clock. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's sleeping in a monastery. Basically. This one was Franciscan. Getting up at 6:37, walking down, getting coffee, meditating for an hour, going to breakfast with all these people that share this interest. Going to another meditation at 11, going to lunch. So there's other. It's like tons of meditating. I figured by the end of it, I had been meditating for 12 hours, which was a lot of meditating. And then at 4:30. Oh, big break. 12:30 to 1:30 lunch. 1:30 to 4:30 free.

[Val]

So. So I'm basically 12:30 to 4:30 free.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And now I'm like reading a little bit, falling asleep, just listening to the sound of people laughing in the courtyard. I can hear a fountain, I hear birds. I'm just like, this is why rehab works. I'm sure I said that last year, but last year I was on nicotine gum. And I got there, and I just was like, it feels stupid to chew nicotine gum while meditating. I'm just gonna see if I can go without it. Kicked it. Completely kicked it. Community, nature, beauty, sunlight, fresh air, quiet, dopamine, detox. No movies, no YouTube, no phone wonders.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you add on that. Rupert is like, I'm not gonna go on and on and on, but Rupert is. I know. I've been really going on about wheelie boy John Wheeler, who I asked Rupert about, and he was, like, into him. He said when he was younger, read all of his books, and he's like, it. Like, he endorsed it. I was like, that was very exciting for me. I was like, yeah, I love them too. They have different styles. But anyway, I was, like, blown away. Sort of like a. I think I told you this. I was like, when I first found Rupert Spire, I got really, really into it and was blown away. Every analogy, every pointer was taking me to the experience of my true self, which is just a very peaceful and wonderful and ordinary but, like, peaceful thing. And then I. It's been four or five years that I've been really into him, and, like, at a certain point, it started to become, like, white noise, like something you love so much. It's like Chris Rock, broccoli and cheese. You just kind of. You get used to it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

So I'm reading a metaphor that used

[Pete Holmes]

to blow me away, and now it's, you know, still pretty good, but it's not blowing me away. But I've gone, like, full circle, and I'm back at that beginner's mind, sort of, like, freshness. And this retreat, I was just completely blown away. And I got to interview him for his sub stack. So we got an hour to talk, just he and I, which was perfect. Previous years, I had done stand up at this retreat, and that really took me out of the retreat. Spent the whole time. I likened it to being a magician, and I'm stuffing birds up my sleeves the whole time because it's not passive. It's like, preparing for this routine really, frankly, took probably 20% away from the retreat this year. I was like, I'm not gonna do that. And I'm so glad. But I got to do this conversation, which took no preparation, caused no anxiety, and was even more fun and way better.

[Shan]

Only 18 states require sex ed to be medically accurate. And relationship classes. Let's fix that. I'm Shan, an ASEC certified sex educator with a master's in psychology. And on my podcast Lovers by Shan. We make learning about love as mind blowing as making it. Celebrities and fascinating people share an intimate story. Then we uncover the lesson for all of us. Watch Lovers by Shan from Lemonada Media on YouTube or listen wherever you like your podcast.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfuss. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it all. Wiser Than Me from lemonada Media is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the only thing I want to share on this episode and then we can talk about my special and the experience of watching that or whatever we were going to say.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

So we're going to all these talks

[Pete Holmes]

and really just going like, kind of remembering. Like, this guy is amazing. Like, so it's really amazing to be in a room with somebody who can take questions of all different types. Like people want a model for reality. Like, really, like there were physicists there and they're asking him about the consciousness only model. And he's just like, it's so entertaining to me. You're watching somebody sort of be like, well, we have instruments that measure matter. And he's, I'm not going to make the argument, but like, he'll be like, I actually think you have a mistake here. Like, you're like, ooh, like it's really fun. Check them out on YouTube if you, if you haven't already for that, a taste of that fun. But something really, really cool happened that I really, really wanted to share. And this is the, the filet of the experience was six days in, after all of this, like up at seven meditate, all this stuff. Tatiana. Tatiana and I took a walk into the woods. It was on this beautiful kind of grounds. And everybody would take this like, walk, would see a lot of people going down this same path. And we're down that path and we're sitting on a log and, and I just realized I was like, I wish there was something tonight. Like sometimes there's a movie, sometimes there's a talent show. I just wish there was something tonight. I'm just feeling a little bit like jammed up that we're doing the same thing every day. My brain was kind of begging for some sort of disruption. And she had a vape with hers, which was perfect. Like I say like about drunks, like, the best drunks are always a brunch that just goes really long and leads into the afternoon. And had no intention of doing it, but it just kind of happened and everybody's happy. And those are really fond alcohol memories for me. So I don't drink alcohol anymore. But I did get the fun of like, oh, you have it with you. And she's like, yeah, she had this little USB drive looking thing. And we just got the perfect amount of stone. Not like super, super duper duper, but like enough that we're laughing and letting out all this sort of inherent tension when you're, like, confronting your ego and looking at all these big ideas.

[Val]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

So we ended up after all the laughing, we're sitting on this bench and we're looking at this view and we start talking about, like, how it's weird that your mind looks at a flat image essentially and interprets depth. It's not based on nothing. It's based on sense data. I put my arm out and I'm not touching anything. I can assume and build a model of reality based on that. You are over there. But when you really look at it, it's seamless, it's bound, it's borderless, and it's flat. Like what you're looking at. It's basically like a 2D image that you interpret as a 3D image. And then you kind of. So I'm stoned and I'm like, what is depth? Like, even as you're looking at me now, you. It's not just. It doesn't just feel like an idea. Like you really are experiencing, like an emptiness between yourself and me. Does that make sense?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we know, like in the movie Top Secret, there's a moment where a Nazi answers a phone and there's a giant phone in the. In the foreground. And he walks up and he picks it up, but you think it's a perspective thing, but the phone actually is gigantic. There's so much comedy that's doing that. Like, they love pointing out that your senses can lie to you and that your mind is constructing a reality. So we're looking at this mountain and we're like, that mountain could be a train set. Like, it could be four feet in front of us. And. And they just put tiny lights and little cars on it. And if we were, you know, not if it was really convincing, impossibly convincing, we could think that thing is really far away, when really it's actually quite close. So it started with depth and then Tatiana and I swear, being stoned helped. She was like, it's the same with the continuity of experience. So she starts going. One of the meditations I was in. And this is Trey, me, I love the meditations. I go to every single one. I'm there early. I stay late. It's just my. It's my favorite thing. And I sit there, and he's doing this really great meditation. And this woman to my left is taking notes. The whole meditation. Now, that's fine. As I'm sitting here with you regulated, I'm aware that that's not the biggest deal in the world. She was doing it quietly, but I could hear. I could hear her. Her hand sliding on the page, and I could hear the scribble. And then this flood of annoyance comes in my body, because, let's be real, I'm sitting down. I want to feel bliss. I want. Like, that's not really what you're supposed to want, but I'm an addict. I'm a pleasure seeker. I want to feel ecstasy. I'd love to go to the place, right? And really deepen and strengthen and experience. And I hear. It sounds like Stan, the Eminem song, Stan, where he can hear the dear Slam. It's like that.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Dear Slim, we still ain't been calling. So I go on a loop, and I start freaking out. And of course, I can't wait to tell. This is why it's helpful to have a friend. You can go. This lady was writing, and I can't believe how mad I get. Yeah, she doesn't get it. You know, they write. You know, they record these, right? Like, this is the fantasy.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to look at her and go.

[Val]

That you want to say these things.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, they record these. This is recorded. You can get this for free later.

[Val]

Literally, the practice is being here, being quiet, being still.

[Pete Holmes]

We're all doing it together. It was like a heckler, to be honest. It's like we're all merging into this one group. And. What, do you work for the Times?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I really couldn't get over it, so I plugged my ear. Like, now I'm a psycho. I plug my ear. Of course, I hope she sees me. Like, I hope she sees that I'm plugging my ear. That's the new fantasy. Because it worked as soon as I plugged my ear update, I brought earplugs to every meditation after that, because I was like, if I could just put one earplug in one ear, I wouldn't have been bothered. Anyway, Tatiana, we're both Stoned. And she's like, you know, you hear the scribbling, then you have this experience. Then third, the mind goes, the scribbling caused the experience.

[Val]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually, the scribbling is just neutral phenomenon. It's just sound. It's made out of the knowing of it. Just like everything is just the sensation of my butt in the seat and just like a bird singing. A bird singing. I interpret with nothing. It's neutral. It's just unfolding.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

But.

[Pete Holmes]

But let's stay away from that. Let's stay on this. This woman is just writing. There's a phenomena. There's a sound, and then I have a feeling. And then the brain goes, this first sound caused the second feeling, when really it's just kind of a lawful unfolding. It's like a pouring forth like a waterfall. It's just natural.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's at. You're having an experience. I'm watching you hold in all sorts of burps.

[Val]

I'm drinking a soda beverage.

[Pete Holmes]

Soda beverage. Anyway, I hope I'm not going on and on and being a total snooze. No, but what it ended up being, and I swear being stoned helped, was this beautiful recognition. Not the scary one of, there is no free will. There's just the illusion of free will. Meaning there's the sound and then there's the experience. And these both just happen.

[Val]

They're just happening lawfully. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then the mind goes, I had the reaction to her. Then it starts spiraling. I'm not spiritual. I'm not doing it right. She's not doing it right. Now I'm angry. Now I'm not having a good meditation. There was such a relief in going, no, I like, it's just Pete. Pete's just do it. Like, it's not even Pete. No, it's the whole fucking thing.

[Val]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete's not a separate thing in the thing. And in my experience in the field of awareness, the sound of her writing and my feeling happened in the same place.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And they were both like.

[Pete Holmes]

If you think of awareness as a big tank of water, knowing water, you're dropping eyedroppers of food coloring in. One is the sound of the lady, one is the feeling of frustration. They're both just, to mix metaphors, little temporary fireworks in the water of the sky. And what I'm saying is this intense relief flooded me where I was like, there is no free will. We should behave as though we have free will. But it seems like in the ultimate analysis, there is no free will. We're just Lawfully unfolding this.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that lets everybody off the hook. Her for writing, me for feeling. But then you can drop it so much faster. And then the ecstasy of going, my parents have. Are just doing. Everybody is just do. And I was like, oh, my God, we're all off the hook. Yeah, I understand. Relatively, day by day, moment by moment, we have the experience of choice, and that's fine. But I got a real glimpse where I was like, it's so impersonal. And I wrote down, we're all as innocent as birdsong. I was like, and there is no inside, outside. It's all just happening in the tank of awareness. And it's all impersonal and non conceptual. You don't even have to think about it. Just look, see for yourself. There's the annoyance. It comes and goes. And by the way, everybody's been saying this the whole time. You're the sky and the clouds come and go. But when you really go from a conceptual understanding of that to an experiential understanding of that, you still have the feeling. You're still frustrated. It doesn't make it instantly go away, but you don't latch onto it. And it can just pass like a bird singing in the background. It's a huge breakthrough for me.

[Val]

It is huge. And Elizabeth Gilbert has sort of a version of this in her book, what is it, Big Magic all the Way to the river or something. It's the most recent one where she's talking about, you know, her partner who died and also relapsed before. Right. Before she died, she was addicted to opioids. But she's. She makes the argument pretty early in the book where she's like, either we are all innocent or none of us are. Where it's like. And she's like. And I believe that we're all innocent in that it's sort of the. Like, you're only as conscious as you can be. We're all reacting to our pain. We're all like, we're all the same.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Val]

So in that way, we're all innocent. And then she says things like, you know, I have been wounded by people in my family who I choose to no longer see so that the wounding doesn't continue. And I believe they're innocent.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. You can bring. And that was the next part. You can bring an earplug. Yeah, that's okay. That's not a failure.

[Val]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I just go, this. This is okay to deal with as well.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Because I asked Rupert in our interview, I was like. Because this really bothered me.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, yes, I know that I am awareness, and I know that everything is just like those ink blots appearing, but I'm not always at peace. Like, people talk about recognizing your true nature and experiencing peace. I was like, but I'm not always at peace. And I was like, like, if I poked you with a pin, like, you would have the experience of being a separate self. Like, you would become pretty convinced pretty quickly that you were a separate self. And I thought he was going to be like, well, you're just. You're just making up a scenario or any of these things. Yeah. You could be aware. You'd be aware of the pain. And you just have to try and focus on the idea that you're aware of the pain. He didn't. He was like, yep, absolutely. Certain experiences have the pain, have the capacity to take us out, and then you just return and you. And he didn't say it, but it was like, and you can do what you need to do to stop getting poked with a pin.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, it really reminds me of internal family systems, and it reminds me of my therapy. It's like, we're not in the business of not looking at something if something appears to be real. If there appears to be a snake in your garage, we can deal with that snake until we realize it's a rogue.

[Val]

Well, it also seems like Eckhart Tolle, how he says that most people live in time and get these few fleeting moments of presence. And he's like, it's just about switching that. Because people always ask about, like, well, what if I need to make a plan for the future? Or whatever. And he's like, okay, yeah, visit time. Have moments where you're scheduling and in time and then sink back into the present once it's, like, no longer necessary.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I love that, and I'm really glad we got to share it. There's not much to say about the special other than it aired and it was super fun.

[Val]

So good.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it had been months and months.

[Val]

Watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

It had been months and months since we had watched it.

[Val]

We like it.

[Pete Holmes]

It was fun to watch it.

[Val]

We. I mean, I felt like we spent a good amount of time editing it. There. It was just you and me and Ricky, who.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And the edits vanished when I was watching it. I had no concept of like. And that's an edit. And that's an edit. I just didn't. In a beautiful way, I didn't care. Like, I wasn't like, oh, we cut that Part like, I didn't think that at all.

[Val]

No. And it was. It was actually a real gift because it's very rare that this much time goes in between the final cut and. And us viewing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And along especially with everybody else knowing everybody else is viewing it. And I had the same experience watching it. I was really just watching it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

Which is hard to do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard for me to do, too. And I did. And I. You know, we've talked about Steve Martin as a story where he was listening to serious stand up. And he was like, I like this guy. Who is it? And it was him.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a. I had something pretty close to that where I was like, I don't remember this joke. You were with me. I was laughing.

[Val]

It's so funny. It's so good. I. That's. That's the punchline of that, is that I had also had enough time, and I was like, I'm a fan of this special. It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate that. It was fun to do live comments. And everybody was so sweet.

[Val]

Yeah. You have the sweetest fans. Yeah. So if you haven't watched that yet, it's called Silly, Silly Fun Boy, which maybe two specials ago, what was Faces and Sounds gonna be called Silly Silly Fun Boy. I've always been a fan of this title.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And I think it's perfect. And yes. Go and watch it. And anyone can watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe so.

[Val]

On YouTube.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Well, thank you, everybody. It's always good.

[Pete Holmes]

I know I say this every time, but it's always good.

[Val]

A while.

[Pete Holmes]

But I've just been doing so many pods, but I didn't feel burnt out talking with you. I love what you said about the autonomy between people and a couple, and I think that was really special. And I hope I made my point about. Really. You don't even have to understand what I was saying, the inkblots and all the mixed metaphors. But I'm just sort of like, you know, Ram Dass talks about a type of faith that you can have where you're like, I. I know that person's experienced it. I'm not asking people to have that with me. I'm saying I have that with Rupert in a big way. Like, sometimes when I'm uncertain, I'm like, I know he's certain. And that makes me feel better. So maybe I am saying that in a very small way. I'm like, I just was in a place where I really clearly experienced. We're all off the hook.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There is no hook.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've talked about that before, but I was like, when you really feel it in your body. And I'm not like, yes, I'm not a huge, like, weed, sacred medicine person, but in that context, I was like, this is helping me integrate what I was learning, which I usually think of it as something that helps me forget what I've been learning. But it, like, sort of massaged it in. Because one of the other things I said to Rupert, I was like, so John Wheeler has this thing where he's like, why do we keep asking questions? It's a waste of time. It's. Your mind will always find a new question. It'll never be satisfied. It just ties itself in knots. You have to say to your mind, the understanding isn't for you, it's what you are. You can't. The false self can't be any more false. The true self can't be any more true. Stop engaging with the mind. And Rupert was like, yeah, I can't talk like him. But he's like, yeah, yeah. But he's like, in my experience, when you tell people things like that, like, stop it. You're already yourself. They just get frustrated and confused.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he said. And I was like, but there is no intellectual understanding of this, of non duality. And he went, there is no intellectual understanding of anything.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, understanding is like a joke. You tell the setup and then there's the punchline. But the understanding happens before. After the punchline, but before the laugh. There's this moment where you who like your essence, like, clicks and gets what the point was. And then it expresses itself as this laugh. But it happens in the gap. You're not thinking about it anymore. It clicks and there's the laugh. That's the understanding.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

So he was like, there.

[Pete Holmes]

Not only is this not for the mind, nothing is for the mind. Understanding happens somewhere else. And he goes, it's like a child. If a teacher says, what's two plus two? And the kid says, 22. This. The teacher says, yeah, I see that a two and a two is a 22. But then they get out four stones and they put a pile of two and a pile of two. They don't tell them. They say, this is two stones and this is two stones. And they let the student count the stones, and in that moment they go, 1, 2, 3, 4, and they go, something upgrades and understanding takes root. You don't have to think about it every time. You just know that two plus two is four because you understand it. It's not in the realm of thinking anymore.

[Val]

It's like in you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's in you. And then I was like, oh my God, that's what we've been talking about this whole time. And just like everything with my non duality practice, you really get something. And then you're like, why didn't they say it was non conceptual, the understanding? And then you go back to the book and every page says non conceptual understanding. And you're like, it's just a never ending tumble of humility and just like

[Val]

a constant pointing to the same thing over and over. And it's the simplest thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It couldn't be any closer. Well, that's the other thing is this retreat I went from thinking about my awareness is like very space, like almost like a screen, to being like, no, it's. It's closer than that. You have to step closer to it. And then that gets very exciting. And what Tatiana, Tatiana. Tatiana. And I would say is if you're frustrated, because when I got home, one of the first things that happened was I wanted to swim and I couldn't find my earplugs because the kids are always playing with my stuff and losing my stuff. And I just got really annoyed. And you helped me with that. But I also was like, oh, I just got back from a retreat and here I am, like really annoyed. And one of the things you and I say, Val and Tatiana and I were saying was like, is it here? And we go, yeah, it's here. It's always here. Your awareness is always here. And that is this peace and this happiness and this joy. And even when you can't find your earplugs, you go, is it here? Even when you're really feeling frustrated, just to go, but is it here it is.

[Val]

I heard that a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even I've heard them say, I think it was Adyashanti said, Adyashanti. I believe Adyashanti said, enjoy yourself even when you're not.

[Val]

Oh, yeah, that's great.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good. And a nice way to close.

[Val]

Keep it crispy.

[SmashBoom Host]

Are you Team Batman or Spider Man? Is the ultimate dish pizza or tacos? SmashBoom Best will help settle those things. Debates and so many more. Every episode we take two cool things, smash them together, and we see which one is best. Debaters use facts, jokes, stories, and more to argue for their side. And it's all judged by a teenager, because who is better at judging than a teen? It's fun. It's weirdly informative. It's smashboom Best get it wherever you get your podcasts.