We Made It Weird #246

Summary

"We Made It Weird" Episode #246 – Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Released: April 10, 2026
Guests: Pete Holmes & Valerie (his wife)

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Episode Overview

Main Theme:
This candid and deeply personal episode of "We Made It Weird" centers on Pete and Valerie navigating emotional triggers, inner growth, and the nuanced work of self-acceptance. Together, they candidly unpack moments of relationship tension, family dynamics, and personal healing—especially around attention, abandonment, and learning to internally regulate when life gets "weird" or difficult.

Pete shares a powerful therapeutic breakthrough involving "parts work" (an internal family systems approach), culminating in his new personal mantra: "The lights are still on." The conversation blends humor and vulnerability, peppered with personal anecdotes, playful marital banter, and real-time emotional processing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Embracing Silence, Favorite Episodes, and the Nature of These Conversations (00:24–02:35)

• Pete and Valerie express appreciation for moments of silence and the comfort it brings.
• They highlight how these Friday conversations are favorites for both of them:

  "These are my favorites… I know I say this every week… but this one was so good." – Pete (00:53)

• Pete previews the episode will feature him sharing "something emotional and beautiful" processed in real time.

Bodies, Desirability, and Self-Love (03:51–12:27)

• The duo jokes about Jack Black, Mariah Carey, body types, and beauty standards.
• Pete reflects on his admiration for "barrel chested" men like Jack Black and others, contrasting this with his own self-perception and journey of self-acceptance.
• Humorous anecdotes about "hanging brain," jokes about body shapes, and their dynamic—Pete's admiration for Valerie’s body and how her "curvier" figure aligns with his preferences:

  "In many ways love feels like winning the lottery. One of them is that…I've always been a curvier gal. And how much that is your fantasy.” – Valerie (11:22)

Relationship Dynamics: Attention, Triggers, and Real-Time Processing (14:49–21:57)

• Pete honestly shares his struggles with jealousy and feeling left out when Valerie’s attention is elsewhere, particularly when friends or their daughter are involved.

  "My triggers is if I feel like you're giving your attention to somebody else... It's 99% just a lot of trauma…" – Pete (15:04)

• He explains the sudden, intense shift from "everything's fine" to feeling entirely "not fine."
• They describe handling these emotions with direct communication, parts work, and real-time admission rather than lashing out.

Therapy, Family History, and the “King”/Parts Work Metaphor (27:35–38:04)

• Pete introduces his internal image of a "smiling king" as his “highest self,” shepherding different child/angry/scared “parts” (as per parts work/IFS therapy).
• He describes a breakthrough therapy moment, delivering a metaphorical speech to his inner parts about enduring pain, receiving upsetting family messages (specifically from his mother), and still keeping "the lights on":

  "This is upsetting. We are sad, we are angry, and there isn’t a perfect number of texts or thank you cards to send that will make sure this never happens again... But the lights are still on." – Pete (30:19)

• Valerie lauds Pete's emotional growth and self-awareness:

  "The main reason I married you... you are always aware of what's going on... it's never gone on longer than five seconds before you have communicated." – Valerie (22:34)

Parenting, Feelings, & Emotional Regulation (38:04–43:12)

• Drawing on Dr. Becky Kennedy and somatic therapy, Valerie emphasizes modeling for their daughter, Leela:

  "Kids are such a good example and reminder… they feel everything we feel, but we have all these systems of denying it." – Valerie (38:04)

• They discuss how being present and honest with feelings, not running from them, can help children and adults regulate.
• Valerie and Pete reflect on how acknowledging big feelings (for children and adults) fosters growth rather than resistance—"all feelings just want to be cradled."

Self-Knowledge and Self-Compassion (43:49–46:21)

• Pete and Valerie agree: getting to know yourself deeply is a profound act of self-love.
• Pete notes that deeper self-awareness toward himself increases empathy and understanding for others, including parents.

The “Lights Are Still On” Metaphor & Spiritual Resonance (54:41–58:41)

• Pete connects the "lights are still on" phrase with spiritual traditions (Jesus, Buddha, non-duality), pointing to the ever-present, unchanging awareness beneath all experiences:

  "What is the one thing that's always been with you? ...Find the part of you that never changes and know that to be God. And that's the light is always on…" – Pete (57:02)

• Valerie explores how this mantra has different resonance for different “parts” or people.

Intergenerational Healing, Ancestral Trauma, and “What About Me?” (60:18–61:18)

• Pete links his "what about me?" trigger to a long family history of hardship and survival, noting how ancestral patterns show up in emotional responses.

Parenting, Change, and Embracing the Next Phase (65:09–67:24)

• Pete and Valerie discuss helping their daughter navigate transitions and the "death" and renewal of different phases of the self—a lesson for kids and adults alike.
• Anecdotes include their daughter’s love of goth aesthetics, desire to be called "Scorpion," and the importance of honoring her growth and identity.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Triggers:

  "I was having the reaction. And we were talking about it in real time, and I was really proud of that." – Pete (17:46)

• On Healing and Resilience:

  "There isn’t a perfect number of texts or thank you cards to send that will make sure this never happens again. …But the lights are still on." – Pete (30:19)

  "You want the name of every disappointment carved into granite. You fucking got it. But don't get it mixed up. This regime is doing just fine. Look, look." – Pete (35:16)

• On Parenting and Validation:

  "The only thing you...when your kid is tantruming...is acknowledge and give space for how upset they are." – Valerie (39:02)

• On Self-Love and Self-Knowledge:

  "You can't get to know someone as much as you and I have gotten to know ourselves without being in love with them." – Valerie (42:56)

• Metaphor for Inner Leadership and Presence:

  "The king doesn't deny. The king in the archetype system is all of the archetypes now...look to what was there before the upset, what was there during the upset, and what was there after the upset. And know that to be your bedrock..." – Pete (54:41)

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Important Timestamps by Topic

• Opening banter & episode theme: 00:24–02:35
• Body image & humor: 03:51–12:27
• Relationship triggers & therapy insight: 14:49–21:57, 27:35–38:04
• Parts work & "the lights are still on": 30:19–38:04, 54:41–58:41
• Parenting & feelings, Dr. Becky Kennedy: 38:04–43:12
• Self-awareness & compassion: 43:49–46:21
• Intergenerational trauma & 'what about me?': 60:18–61:18
• Parenting, change, and phases: 65:09–67:24

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Tone & Style

• Intimate, vulnerable, humorous, and improvisational. Pete and Valerie move seamlessly from goofy, body-positive jokes to genuine emotional intimacy and therapy insights.
• Language is warm and conversational, occasionally profane, always authentic.

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Takeaway

This episode is a heartfelt, funny, and insightful look at the ongoing work of self-healing, emotional resilience, and authentic relationship. Listeners are given permission to feel, to heal, and to remember: no matter what happens, “the lights are still on.”

Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it with. You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Yes. You made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos? I feel like we got a little moment where we, like it, got to be silent. And it felt nice.

[Pete Holmes]

It did feel nice.

[Valerie]

I forget. I forget about silence.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so nice.

[Valerie]

Welcome, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we gonna take lead?

[Valerie]

Yeah. This is the We Made it Weird episod. Uh, so on Fridays, I val sit down with Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

For these bonus episodes.

[Pete Holmes]

No, let's not even call them bonus episodes.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say that because you always say that.

[Pete Holmes]

I do, yeah.

[Valerie]

You always say for these. I'm not even gonna say bonus episodes. These are whatever. The real.

[Pete Holmes]

These are my favorites.

[Valerie]

Yeah. These are my favorites.

[Pete Holmes]

And this. I know I say this every week, if you'll allow. I know I always say it's like, incredible, but this one was so good. 236, maybe 246. I don't know what it is, but it is incredible. This one was awesome and I'm so glad you guys are here. And I shared something and we really got into it that was really emotional and beautiful, and I hope. I hope you enjoy it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's one of those dealing with something in real time kind of episodes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Which is great.

[Pete Holmes]

And I hope you enjoy it. I'm done. I have nothing else to say. What about your day spells to cast on your parents? Is the book. Is the kids book. You can get that on wherever you get your podcasts and you can't get it yet.

[Valerie]

Okay, you can pre order it. Just take over.

[Pete Holmes]

You can pre order it.

[Valerie]

You can pre order it. It comes out in September.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're hearing this the day this comes out, I'm in Tallahassee. Then Punchline. Irving, Texas. Largo at the Coronet, Denver. Sorry, AR Aaron, my wonderful web guy, just updated the website, so I'm seeing new stuff. Every date has its own line now. Oh, that's a 6:30 show. Interesting. I love that. North Carolina, South Carolina, Sacramento. Just go to PeterHomes.com, madison, Seattle, Portland, San Diego. All of Those are on PeteHomes.com and please watch my new special. It's called Silly, Silly Fun boy. It's on YouTube. We just passed 500k in 12 days, which I'm really, really pleased. So I should be saying thank you for watching my special, but. But if you haven't, please check it out. It's on YouTube. It's a website and it's free. That's it. All right, enjoy. I love this one so much. I hope you do, too. Valerie.

[Valerie]

Get into it. Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser Than Me with Cyndi Lauper on Amazon Music. Cindy may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years, she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way. Listen now, only on Amazon Music, included with Prime. I want to be clear. I know the lyrics. It's just more fun to sing it that way.

[Pete Holmes]

No one. No one thought you didn't know the lyrics.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was going to ask you, how much money would you pay cameo style for Jack Black to sing?

[Valerie]

I was gonna say that.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course that's what we were doing.

[Valerie]

I know, but I was gonna say it's like a masculine way to sing Mariah Carey. I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it masculine?

[Valerie]

Yes. The way Jack Black sings is. It's like, wow, you figured out how to really sing just like a dude.

[Pete Holmes]

And Jack Black is a type of thick T H I C C that I've always my whole life envied and admired, which is the guy. They call it barrel chested. I guess.

[Valerie]

Yeah. All right, well, I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Why don't we walk that back?

[Valerie]

I was gonna say. You're gonna hate this now. Well, that's what my ex husband looked like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good for him. I'm happy for him. Yeah, I'm surprised too. I don't shit on your ex husband, and I'm happy for him. I don't have that many interactions.

[Valerie]

Okay, all right, enough. But I just. I'm just saying, I. I know what you. I believe something very cool. I also, of course, love a tall drink of water.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy you.

[Valerie]

Yes. I'm talking about you now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Bodies are funny, man. Yeah, bodies are funny. And flanny, who runs Largo, is the quintessential barrel chested. Perfect. There's just a kind. Like if you don't have breast assists. Mm. And you're complaining as a guy about being soft. I just. I have. I got nothing for you. Like, if you're. There's others. It's. It's. I. Well, that's just somebody I know. I'm trying to think of somebody public. Bert Kreischer is a good example. Oh, I. I could lose a few if it's not in your double Ds. Ain't nobody feel bad for ain't nobody. Nobody feel ain't nobody.

[Valerie]

I wish that you had seen the film Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And, yes, I'm calling it a film. I don't understand it. I'm just saying it's like a. It's, you know, it's like an old musical. It's not like a very critically acclaimed film, but it's really fun. Anyway, Flanny looks like he is straight out of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie]

Like, straight out of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Also the center of a labyrinth. Like, if you look like you should have fawn legs. You're not. You're not. What I'm talking about when I talk about being a heavy kid. I want wet and. And lumpy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even mean lumpy. Rolls. I'm not mad at any of this. I still got rolls. I love. I love my bod. I love my bod.

[Valerie]

Wouldn't change a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. Well, yeah. Bad. I got bad news. Head transplant.

[Valerie]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm doing.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't want you to. I like your head. I like your brain and your face.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, that's all coming, but I'm putting it on.

[Valerie]

Who?

[Pete Holmes]

If I could. Anybody.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it would be somebody super young, I suppose. I. I am at the age where I look at, like, the. The bendability and the inexhaustibility of young people, and I'm like. It's true. And it's what they said when we were. And now I say. Because they. Is now what is this? The Princess and the Frog? Because they say is like. It's not. I know, but it's. I'm. I'm calling it out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because. Yes, it's weird to know that it's me. Me doing that. But that's. Well, that's a new enough movie that I bet they at least had people of the culture.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I would hope so.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Valerie]

Oh, but you can see, like, you now are the age where you look at young people and you're like, oh, God, the collagen in that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yes. Is that what it is?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like the grease in the.

[Valerie]

That's all that's happening really, with aging, is that we're not. It's not all that's happening, but we are lo. We lose collagen rapidly. And that's your joint pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that's your bounce in your.

[Pete Holmes]

You stretch back.

[Valerie]

You stretch.

[Pete Holmes]

You bounce back. Baby got bounced back.

[Valerie]

It's like your bounce back in everything. It's like bouncing back from a workout.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess I should be taking your skin collagen.

[Valerie]

Yeah, everybody should be. But.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't know how they make it. Guess what? What do they make?

[Valerie]

They can make you gassy.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, makes the cows gassy too, because it's cow collagen, right? I mean, it's in cows.

[Valerie]

No, I don't think it always is. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I. I was going to push you to that second answer first.

[Valerie]

That I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel pretty sure nobody knows where collagen comes from.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we don't ask questions.

[Pete Holmes]

The lips.

[Valerie]

Well, I'm a witch, so it comes from the youth of young children.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Right.

[Valerie]

But you do get the sense, like, sometimes I look at my daughter's skin close up and I'm just like, oh, it's flawless. And you're like, this is where sort of the myths of, like old Crohn's are trying to suck the youth out of the children.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? And it doesn't help that they're all like, I want to eat you up.

[Valerie]

Like, that's still totally.

[Pete Holmes]

That's still what Nana says. I want to eat you up.

[Valerie]

It's like, okay, say that I take.

[Pete Holmes]

Go get your gingerbread house.

[Valerie]

I get. I remember when she was a baby, I said, like, it's a miracle she doesn't have a cartoon style bite out

[Pete Holmes]

of the sound of her.

[Valerie]

Like, they're so.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you. Did you know the Latin for crona is dragina? It's dragina.

[Valerie]

Dragina say what?

[Pete Holmes]

And that's also something Jack Black. See, the style of humor that he has is the. And please, I think everybody can hear me being sensitive about my language here. I'm not shaming any bodies. In fact, I think this morning at coffee, we both checked out somebody that was.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, I didn't even. You're not like this. Because I'm not like, I don't over. I don't overextend this privilege that I know that you don't mind that if I go like, holy. That person's attractive, but I also don't overdo it. Can we appreciate that balance?

[Valerie]

You can.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I'm not out here just checking out people. But I saw somebody that was like, holy.

[Valerie]

Well, she looked like a plus sized model.

[Pete Holmes]

She looked like a plus sized model. And she looked like she could hold onto a horse in a free fall. Like if a horse went over a waterfall and she. She would Stay on the horse with those. I'm gonna say it. They were gams.

[Valerie]

Yes. They were 100. It was like a painting. It really was gorgeous. And I almost said like I, well, this is what I almost did. And then I'll explain it to you, listener. But like I was sipping my coffee when she walked in and she was behind you. And I almost.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she looked like Joan from Mad Men a little. A little bit. But two Jones.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I was like, I almost did this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like an eyebrow raised. Wide eyed. Pointing with my eyes. Because I wanted you to see. Because I know like I look at somebody like that and I'm like, wow, so stunning. But I know that it's specifically your

[Pete Holmes]

it is type which is so fun to see one. You never see one. You can show me a 10 out of 10 Julia Roberts style beauty and I'll be like, just the way that I'm seeing the world.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go, who cares? It's like seeing a Corvette. I see Corvette. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yes, absolutely. I will say.

[Pete Holmes]

And every once in a while you see like something like Dr. Robotnik would ride to chase Sonic.

[Valerie]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're just like, God damn, he's gonna get him this time.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I love those tails. And your Ben is schwartzen. None of these are working.

[Valerie]

No, I do really. It does feel like one of the ways. You know, in many way love feels like winning the lottery. Brag. But one of them is that I've always been a curvier gal. And how much that is your fantasy. And then also like. Yeah, it's. It's like if anything, I think you would wish. You wish I was a little bit big.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. I mean you have been losing elves

[Valerie]

and I haven't even.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean that's what you say. I'm the scale.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think I have been. But so wrong. You must be gaining brain or something. Which is a term for oral sex. I don't mean it like that. I mean like your brain.

[Valerie]

No, I thought it was a. I thought it was a term for balls. Like the guy's hanging brain.

[Pete Holmes]

That's also it. That's awesome.

[Valerie]

I think it's such a good term for balls. It.

[Pete Holmes]

They look, you're hanging brains. If my balls were out and someone said you're hanging brain, I'd. I wouldn't even be mad or embarrassed. I'd be like, I can't believe we got to use it.

[Valerie]

It's like, can we share the. You cut, bro. Thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I don't mind that.

[Valerie]

So when, like one of the early visits with my family, because it was that first house that my parents had that you went to, we were like hanging out at night, me and my brother and sister in law and you. And like, you were wearing very thin. Very thin.

[Pete Holmes]

Were they or.

[Valerie]

Yeah, they were very thin. And you still wear them very thin PJ pants. And we can like see the outline of your dick and brain.

[Pete Holmes]

You can see old belfry.

[Valerie]

And the way that my brother drew attention to it was he said, you cut, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And like. Like just the right amount of time for us to all figure out what was happening.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it did take me a minute. Yeah, it was. That was the hanging brain of the. Of the shaft.

[Valerie]

It makes. It's like a really good. I love when it takes just a minute to get something because the reveal is.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's the titillation. Yeah, that's the Seinfeld thing. I'll say it every time I think of it because it's changed my life. He goes a setup of a punchline. And the punchline are like two cliffs. The setup, everyone's running. The whole audience is running on the cliff. They jump to the second cliff if it's too close. There's no titillation. So it's not funny. This is. This is when I make lazy jokes with you all day, every day.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just kind of playing a numbers game, just throwing out a lot. And every once in a while one really hits and I'm like, I thought they were all good, but like, that's because the cliffs are too close. But when. If they're too far, the audience falls into the chasm. Nobody gets it. That's the feeling of not getting a joke. You cut, bro is just the right. Like you're midair and then you get it and then you have the feeling of like. And then we landed. And we all landed in the same place, so.

[Valerie]

Interesting because that's also sort of the feeling for you of playing that numbers game like that you. I was just thinking while you were saying that, I was like, would you prefer me to really laugh at a hundred percent of your jokes? It's like, it feels so good when I do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because, you know, you've been. You've been missing 10 and then you get one real big one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

You never miss 10. I always give you a little something.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll acknowledge them at least.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is so funny. I sometimes go, joke detected. Like, instead of a laugh, like a machine just goes Like, I see.

[Valerie]

I see.

[Pete Holmes]

I see your levity. Attempt at. Levity, comma, attempt at. Can I tell you, I just had an incredible therapy session this morning, and it was amazing, and I'd love to share some of it. One of the things was we were talking about, like, you acknowledging my jokes is what brings it to mind is, like, I usually say something like, and I'm not resigned to always being this way, but now I'm kind of like, maybe I am just resigned to being this way. I don't know. And everybody that listens to this podcast on the rig knows that one of my triggers is if I feel like you're giving your attention to somebody else. And that is sort of sweet. Maybe 1% sweet, but it's 99%. Like, just a lot of trauma and mismatch of bunch of stuff going on with me. But what happened yesterday, when it happened, and I really loved this is you and I both in real. So our friend Lisa is visiting. We both love Lisa and her kid is with her. So there's a lot of attention going around. And you girls are you girls, you ladies, you women, you pieces of gam, you human beings. You human. You human. You humans. I won't even say beings. You are doing this short film on Friday, and I'm really excited. And as such, you've been doing a lot of work together, and I've been, like, missing you.

[Valerie]

We've been prepping. Cause it's double. It's like, we have friends here. So I'm giving attention to them, but also I'm working every chance.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're doing a lot of work.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is fine. And the way that this mechanism works for me is it's always fine until suddenly it's just a hundred percent not. I don't know what happens.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we tip into the. Into the absolute knot. And I'll start. Be like you. I do think this is interesting. The way that my petulance will show up is these little protests. Like, you'll say, hey, after school, Lisa and her daughter thought it would be fun if we go and get ice cream. And I'll be like, I'll just, like, see red. I'll be like, we just got ice cream. Really? All I'm saying is I've been usurped. I've been like, I'm not involved. You also, like, couldn't go to coffee with me one morning. And I really thought, because I'm touring this weekend. Yesterday morning, which I think yesterday was the inciting incident.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I Was like. I, in my mind, had been like, again, I already conceded this to you. I kept that day free. Really. I just didn't have anything that day. I was glad that I didn't have anything that day. And I'm touring this weekend, so I was, like, really happy to go to coffee with you. And you couldn't do that because you had this call and that's enough. I just was like. Like, there's like a. Like you spill water on a cyborg. I'm like. Like, I. I can't stress this enough. What I'm sharing isn't my reaction. What I'm sharing. That's interesting and new, is that I was having the reaction. And we were talking about it in real time, and I was really proud of that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

While I was having the reaction, I was like, I'm in a bad mood. I'm. I'm being petulant. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just feeling abandoned.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, saying it. I know I wasn't quite. Because we talk about parts, work and therapy. Like, there were parts that really wanted me to, like, lash out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wasn't ready to go.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

And keep a lid on that. I needed the steam release. So I was letting some little shitty things out. Like, I think I said, are we gonna just take Leela's foot now? I made, like, a diabetes joke, which is such a low blow. I was like, we're just eating ice cream all the time. I didn't raise my voice, but that was the feeling.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You also said, like, you know, rightfully so. It didn't make sense. The ice cream place that they wanted to go to because it's a Mexican restaurant.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You were going to a Mexican restaurant

[Valerie]

that we had just been to earlier that day. And. And so I was like.

[Pete Holmes]

But even that is a slight to this part of me where I'm, like, I'm not even being consulted as to where, like, I'm not proud of. I'm embarrassed about all of this.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm like, I need to be consulted. Like, there's a chain of. Not command. It's not about being. Maybe it is.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't know. I think it's. It's just being. It's not being, like, the boss. It's being the. The most considered person.

[Pete Holmes]

The most considered person. The most special, most considered.

[Valerie]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And just the right amount of doted on and acknowledged.

[Valerie]

Yes. And. And like, not getting what you want, which is, you know, everybody has a hard time with that. But Some of us had more practice, maybe with that or something, but you also didn't get what you want. Wanted a lot. But that's what I'm, like, really afraid of when I'm like, we can't give Leela what she wants all the time, because then it makes it so hard. I had a friend, one of our friends. It was so cool and honest. I was saying, like, I want Leila to go to the public school and, like, be bored and have a hard time with school sometimes because I need more. She needs a little bit more hardships in her life. She needs to be. She needs to learn the skill of doing things she doesn't want to do. And our friend, who was raised rich and an only child was like, I didn't have that either. And I was like, like, did it make your life harder in adulthood? And she's like, absolutely. So I was like, that's nice to, like, have confirmed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, confirmed for sure.

[Valerie]

But anyway, it's not even all of that. I want to be really clear. And in your defense, this is not a personality trait of yours. It really isn't. I can feel, and I recognize it because I also know when I'm having, like, a PTSD reaction to something. You are. You are not regulated like you are. You are completely dysregulated. So your system is being hijacked. And there has been so much growth.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I thought was great. Now I can have this. Really. But I wasn't flooded with the feeling. Yeah, I was feeling the feeling. And telling you I'm feeling the feeling. Still kind of acting out, because I just felt like that was too much to give up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I still was going to be, like, upset about the ice cream.

[Valerie]

I know. I. I'm saying. Yeah, well, that was the. What I thought was the funny moment was that, like, so then I talked the kids into going to this other ice cream. Really? Like, yeah. And you were like, so now we're just going to dump candy on our ice cream or something?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because it's the place that has candy for toppings. And I. That was just.

[Valerie]

That was the moment where I was like, I was doing that for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just. I'm glad you brought that up because that's such a clear example of, like, it doesn't matter the content of what's happening. I'm going to be upset about whatever is happening. Anything less than we're going to shut it down and have a birthday party for you, I guess. But even that, I would be like, oh, great. You guys probably don't even want to do this.

[Valerie]

Well, no. Again, in your defense, all that. And I knew this needed to happen. It was like, okay, we just need to, like, you and I need to just plug in for a minute and just be alone and talk.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what we.

[Valerie]

And that's what we did. And then it.

[Pete Holmes]

And everything was fine.

[Valerie]

It seemed like it turned around after that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's true. Yeah. And then my. I'm not going to go into the details, but this leads to the real breakthrough in therapy. That was really, really beautiful. And I've had similar shares on this podcast before, but I think it's even better. So my mom was upset for some reason, and I don't want to go into that, but she sent me a text where she was kind of lashing out at me in the way that I can lash out at when I feel like you're not giving me enough attention. Okay. Yeah. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit more picante.

[Valerie]

A little bit spicier when she did it. And definitely not the awareness that you have.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Can I say, don't forget. I just. This is so quick. I just wanted to say. And I've said it on this podcast before. I've said it to everyone I know. I will say it till the day I die. The reason I. A hundred percent. Like, I. Well, I won't say 100. The main reason I married you and the reason I feel like it is such a joy to stay married to you is that you are always aware of what's going on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That there is, like, not. It's never gone on longer than five seconds before. You have, like, communicated.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Well, that's what was happening yesterday was I was being bratty or feeling, like, scared and whatever. And I kept saying, at least I'm consistent. Like, we knew it was gonna happen here. It is happening. It'll be over soon. And it did. And I'm also proud that I keep it from Leela. You know, we just went and got ice cream, and I was playing with them, and being fine, I was able to pull the nose up or whatever. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys know I love therapy. Val loves therapy. We talk about it on the show all the time, how it has been a huge game changer in both of our lives. And something I think we don't talk about enough is financial stress, money stuff. It's not just about numbers. It's about anxiety. It's sleep, it's relationships. And I know for me, I get money stress. I grew up with a lot of weird beliefs around money. Like if things weren't working or if I wasn't being productive or producing in a certain way didn't just mean it wasn't working. It meant there was something wrong with me fundamentally, and there was something defective. Therapy can help with that, especially with money stuff. Trust me on that. It's about helping you deal with that stress and those stories you're carrying around. Money. It can help you unpack that stuff, build healthier habits, and just feel less alone about it, which is huge. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists and helped more than 6 million people worldwide. You just fill out a short questionnaire and they match you with a therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime and it's entirely online. It is so easy and fast and helps when life feels overwhelming. Therapy can help. Sign up for 10% [e-mail] weirdo that's better. H-E-L-P.com weirdo I order everything online so why would blinds be different? Why am I going to a store under fluorescent lighting to look at blinds all day? There's a better way to buy blinds, shades, shutters and drapery and it is called three day Blinds. They are the leading manufacturer of high quality custom window treatments in the US and right now you can use my URL three day blinds.com weird they're running a buy one get one half off deal 50% off the second one. They bring the showroom to you. It's so easy. A professionally trained design consultant with like 10 plus years of experience comes to your home and helps you choose what actually works in your space and gives you a free no obligation quote the same day. And then they handle everything which is great for me. Design, measure, install, no guessing, no stress. Plus you can choose from thousands of options including light filtering, blackout and even motorized blinds that work with Alexa, which is honestly amazing. We are doing this for our game room. We're putting blackout curtains or shades up in there. Black it out. Zelda Big screen Amazing. Right now get quality window treatments that fit your budget with 3 day blinds. Head to 3 day blinds for their buy one get one 50% off deal on custom blinds, shades, shutters and drapery blinds for a free no charge, no obligation consultation. Head to three day blinds.com weird one last time. That's buy one get one 50% off when you head to the number 3D a Y blinds.com weird do you ever

[Valerie]

find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous, far fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Chelsea Clinton and we're back with

[Valerie]

season two of my podcast, that Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one wherever you get your podcast tests.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so anyway, so I. Let's just say, and everybody knows this is something that happens in my life. I got an upsetting text and I just want to jump to the healing. Not. What was great about it was I have been feeling so much more resource because of my therapy, because of different things that I didn't have this huge overreaction. But it was, it was sad. It made me sad and angry and all these things. And today in therapy, like the, the, my highest self, I picture like the king from the Princess Bride. He's slow, he's gentle, and he's always smiling. Remember?

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

And oh, buttercup, like, he's not even trying to stop the wedding. My king's a little bit different. He's a little bit more. Anyway, he's the leader. You don't need to know. Parts work, therapy. I just, I'm telling you that I envision my highest self as this slow, gentle, smiling king. And here we have, and we're in this castle that looks very much like kind of like a Mario Brothers castle. It's like light blue and gray. It's very pleasant and it's actually very Mario Brothers. It's on this, like, green island. These are our lands. This is our love. This is our life. And I have all these parts that are like different times in my life. Like, some of them are children, and some of them are really angry and some of them are really scared, and some of them are really, really sad. And things come through, upsetting texts come through. And today it seems like something like, I think a bad therapist would tell you to do. My therapist, Claudia doesn't, doesn't tell me to do that. It just sort of started happening where I was giving them a speech. Like, it was like a beautiful speech wherein I said, okay, so this started because I sent a video of Leela enjoying something that my mom had sent to my mom. And I'm not pointing. There's no vitriol here. Yeah, my mom just kind of like really out of nowhere, in my opinion, was like, don't send me these videos. You should send a thank you card, like, and kind of imply that I have time for all these things and no time for her. And I thought, like, you don't send a thank you card for a car. Like, what is happening? So. So it's just like a person having a hard time. I'm not trying to just be a big person. I'm just saying this was the upsetting thing. Why did I tell you that?

[Valerie]

Because of the speech.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Oh, okay. So the speech was they were saying, she said, stop sending these. She doesn't mean that, but she said, stop sending these things. I'd rather more effort, like a phone call or this or whatever. Again, she's just feeling hurt. And I said to the team there, I'm the king. And they're like, does this mean we're not going to send videos? And the sweet, tender mommy part is like, we need to send videos. The man that's mad and powerful and has agency is like, great. An excuse to never send videos again.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the king. This just came out. I go, guys, I don't think it's about whether or not or when we send videos. We're sending these things to a very unpredictable. This is unpredictable. The king just said, I can't say this won't happen again. Already everybody's leaning in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like the whole team. Every part of me is just like, what's that? Like, I'm not going. Like, don't worry. This is where we came from. This is good. It builds character. Everybody has their reasons. It wasn't that. It was like, this is upsetting. We are sad, we are angry, and there isn't a perfect number of texts or thank you cards to send that will make sure this never happens again. Doesn't that just sound like a fucking great leader? He goes, this might happen again. In fact, it will happen again. But I went, but the lights are still on. Meaning, like, we're still here. And I was like, we will be upset, but the lights are still on. We'll be sad, but the lights are still on. We'll be disappointed and broken. We'll be ashamed and jealous of other relationships we see. But the lights are still on. And I don't mean paying the bills for the lights. I mean we're still here. Of course we're aware we're alive. It's okay. It's not a boogeyman. We will be hurt.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm saying we can handle it. I'm saying it's not a boogeyman. I'm saying it's somebody having A. A hard moment. It didn't penetrate our borders. The lights. Look at what I printed. I printed a picture of a king.

[Valerie]

What a reveal that says the lights

[Pete Holmes]

are still on as a campaign poster with the king from the Princess Bride. Because I was like, I don't want to forget this. It's this complete concession of we will have our heart hurt. We will be everything I just said. But I'll say it a million times. It's because I need to hear it a million times. But I was like, our borders have not been violated. We are still. And I was like, look at. And I remembered the talk that we had on the couch. And I remember dropping off Leland and our relationship. And I remember our dear friend Lisa. And I remember swimming with the girls and loving it. And I was like, look at the abundance. This is still here. We're still here. But it was like. And people might laugh if you remember the Mexico fiasco episode, which I think is one of the great. We made it weirds. We talk about this trip to Mexico that we took. And I was like, the style that I approach a fiasco is. I need to name it.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I need to say this isn't. I want the king to say, this isn't what we expected. This isn't what we hoped for. The rocks are sharp, the water is cold. There's wind. 24 7. It was so close, but the lights are still on. Like, I.

[Valerie]

Like, there's still hope.

[Pete Holmes]

There's still potential. There's still. We're still fucking here. And it's real. We are still here. The sadness and the disappointed feelings did pass through us. And they leave the same thing we say, like every episode of this podcast. But to say the lights are still on, Everybody. I had 100% approval. I have orphan children that feel like they're chained to the ground. I have angry men that are on fire and bulging with muscles. Angry. I have scared, jealous. Everybody was. It's weird to say. Cause it's parts of me, but they were like cheering. They were in. I was like Winston Churchill. I felt. And I'm just. And I'm saying it out loud. And Claudia and I. I'm not saying this defensively. I'm not embarrassed of this work. But like, we're laughing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's funny. Like, I'm laughing. She's laughing. But we're also like, I'm crying. I'm just like, I'm feeling very emotional right now. That's why I was excited to share it. It was like, it's what we talk about so much on this podcast. Sometimes Pete does get very triggered and starts to feel unsafe. But the lights are still on. Like, look around.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not asking you to whistle in the dark and act like you don't have reactions. I'm not asking you to pretend, like I saw in my church growing up, that you're never not angry. I'm like, I even said, oh, I forgot this. I was like, we can build a monument to your sadness. We build monuments to sadness. You want to build a monument? I'll sign it today. The saddest museum. The angriest museum we can make. The most dramatic, you know, guy in the mire pulling himself up by a vine and saying, Never forget 1979-1999, the hard years. Like, you want the name of every disappointment carved into granite. You fucking got it. But don't get it mixed up. This regime is doing just fine. Look, look.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I play the tape of you and I on the couch talking. I was like, look.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't a person. This is authentic relationship. We found authentic relationship. My daughter, she doesn't know the word consistent, but if you asked her in 10 years, tell me about your father, she would say, consistent.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We have turned it around. We've turned it around. The lights are still hot. It was rousing.

[Valerie]

I'm so emotional. I'm fully crying. That's so sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I couldn't wait to share it. And it's a experiential way of sharing. And it's so funny. I wanted to say, these things have come and gone, but none of them have touched us. Which is what the highest self would say.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I stopped and I said to Claudia, I was like. I was gonna say, it's never touched us, but some of them aren't ready. And this is what my friend Tatiana said. She's like, we move at the pace of our slowest part. So sometimes I'm like, I'm not gonna say it didn't touch us. They think it did, or they're experiencing it, and it's monument time, and it's solidarity time. And I'm not gonna say, but don't worry, it didn't hit us. Let's honor it first. And that creates all of this space to see that it actually didn't touch us.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. And what it's really saying is, like, to all of your parts, whatever your experience is, is okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Valerie]

And that you are part of this bigger system.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

That can handle all of it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

It can handle all of it. And that really is like, also just the core. It's where, like, parts work and somatic work really cross over. One of the many places where it's like, all that's happening as when you, you know, are doing somatic healing, in my experience is you just.

[Pete Holmes]

This means embodied healing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You just get to a point where you trust your system.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

You're just like, I can just. I trust that my nervous system knows how to regulate. I trust that I know how to help it along.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where it started last night. So the upsetting text, which isn't the point, but there was an upsetting text, and I was feeling regulated enough that I could say, it sounds like you're hurt and upset right now. Maybe let's talk when you're rested.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I thought of doing that, even though that's a great response, that's like a Richard Rohr. Oh, it's okay. Like, beautiful even response. I could feel that there were parts that were like, you haven't done enough honoring of how sad and angry we are. You can't run around the minefield. We have to go through it slowly, and we need you to look at it. And. And that's beautiful.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. And our daughter. Kids are such a good example and reminder of this. I was just talking to Lisa about this. We're like, our daughters are the unfiltered human experience. So they. And I was telling you this, too. Like, they feel everything that we feel, but they. We have all these systems of denying it and then pretending we have nervous

[Pete Holmes]

laughs and look at your phone, whatever.

[Valerie]

And. And Leela is. You know, this is also what I love about Dr. Becky Kennedy, who's a parent. Like, sorry, what is the parent expert. Parenting expert. She. She says the. The only thing you. And she's not the only one that says this, but this is what we've realized about parenting is like, when your kid is tantruming or your kid is very upset, the only. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge and give space for how upset they are. You just.

[Pete Holmes]

Brilliant.

[Valerie]

All you say is, something about this is feeling really bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Val. Sorry to. I hope I'm not interrupting. They were like, does that. The first thing was. Does this mean we're not texting videos home anymore?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the king went, I don't know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then. And Claudia was like, that's. That's the right response. Like, I hear you. And I'm not going to pretend like, I Know, but then it felt very John Wheeler, to be honest. John Wheeler, my lovely non. Dual teacher that I adore. It was like, I actually think the question, there's, there's a, there's a perspective in the question that needs to be adjusted. We're saying how often can we text and how often should we text to get the desired result. And I was saying, no, this is a thousand sided die. I spent my whole childhood. This is an old program, trying to guess. Okay, we had dinner early, they went this way, they went that. We watched the movie and then everybody was happy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's do it again. Doesn't work.

[Valerie]

Totally do it again.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't work. Do it a thousand times. Doesn't work. Thousand and first time. It works. Okay. It worked twice.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is an undue burden and it's not correct. The question reveals the true problem. Can we dial something in to change a behavior to make it positive?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what? No. That's why it was so beautiful to go. It will happen again. I even said I, I get upset when my dad text call your mom. And because that was my whole youth was there'd be a problem and I would be sent in. So he'll. Sometimes he might just mean it innocently, but it reminds me of this. Like, go fix.

[Valerie]

It's your responsibility that your mom's upset.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said at the end of this rousing speech, I was like, our analysts say there's a 60 to 75% chance of a call your mom text today or tomorrow.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we will be upset and we will be sad and we will be angry and the lights are still on.

[Valerie]

That's 100% right. It's beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was complete. Like you're saying of the parts work and what you're saying, what we do with children and somatic healing, you're just going, no one's saying you're not here.

[Valerie]

It's just a losing game to try and change your feelings.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And to try and change other people.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

It's a losing game. And all it does is like what, what you resist, persists. It just multiplies it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

My therapist says, and I've said it before on this podcast, all feelings just want to be cradled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I've also heard like, you know, beautiful. And no feeling is final. Like literally all these feelings just want to be acknowledged, seen in their fullness. And. And the more we do that, the more we create a system that's like, yeah, the end. The lights are still on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like this is not a problem that I feel this way. This is not. This is not anything that, like, is an indicator of who I am as a person or points to any sort of flaw or weakness or any belief that comes with the feeling, any shame around it. It's just like, this is a. And. And I love. What I have really loved about my 30s is that. And, you know, having done this work now for. I think I've permanently said seven years, but really we're getting closer to nine years. That, like, I know myself so well, and you know yourself so well, too. So when a feeling like this comes up or a trigger, you're just like, of course I know. I know myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like, I know that's what yesterday was. Oh, Pete's doing it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And I've maybe said this too before, but, like, when you really know, you can't get to know someone as much as you and I have gotten to know ourselves without being in love with them. I think if you really give your full attention to understanding the inner workings of someone else, like, you will fall in love with them. So it's just this loving thing of, like, oh, right. Okay, so this. This text happened.

[Pete Holmes]

And.

[Valerie]

And just so reliably, like you said, I'm. At least I'm consistent. So reliably these feelings have, like, occur. And. And it is loving that I know that, and it's loving that I don't let it totally hijack me because I know that it's just a part of me. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Knowing yourself.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Just knowing yourself is an act of self love. I think, like, the. You know, I know that there are people who probably feel like they do know themselves and they really don't love themselves, but I would just say, like, look closer. Yeah. The more attention you give.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why there was even understanding way more.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been doing all this ancestral work and trying to really picture the fullness of the past of both sides of my family lines, and. And not just summarizing people in one line. And I'm doing that with my mom, too, and my dad, and that's really helping and humanize and because I've paid enough. We talked about this. I've paid enough attention to my own wounds that I can start broadening it out and going, like, let's look at the bigger picture here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I also wanted to say, based on what you were just saying, it really blew my mind. I saw it on Facebook and it was wrongly attributed to Snoop Dogg.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. I Think I know what you're gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The quote, don't get mad hearing something you already knew.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The problem with don't get mad. See, that used to be my slogan. I'd say, let's not get mad hearing something we already knew.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like that. No, I don't. By the way, if you just heard that and it clicks something for you. There was a time that. That was really exciting for me. And maybe it is the motorcycle you can ride and drive over and jump the volcano or whatever.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

For me, I go, we will get upset.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But that acknowledgment of we will get upset actually makes the upset way way smaller and shorter.

[Valerie]

Because you're not perpetuating it with what's wrong with me that I'm upset by this. I shouldn't be. I already know this. Why am I upset?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's the problem with that, is, like, you already knew that. It's like it's kind of using the mind, which is part of it, but the whole thing. The King incorporates all of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He says to the mind, yes, we already knew that. It doesn't make sense. We shouldn't get upset. But then he says to my stomach, and he says to my throat, and he says to the space behind my eyes, I see all of that, and it's just as Val. Oh, this one's in English, so it's better, right? This information came through as words, so we're gonna listen to it more. This one is so loud. And the more I've gotten in touch with my body, it's crazy. The feeling is like an ice knife goes into my belly when certain things happen. I'm like, let's listen to the Ice Knife.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What is the ice Knife trying to say? Then I have one thought that's quoting Facebook. Snoop Dogg and not even Snoop Dogg. He gets the driving seat. It's like, no, we're gonna listen to ice knife 100%.

[Valerie]

It's almost like, none of our business,

[Pete Holmes]

really, if I wanna take a guy home with me tonight.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right. No, it's like your body is having this feeling. We don't even really have to fucking know why or. And certainly there's no judgment call on it. It's like this feeling is arising in your body. Sometimes it is helpful to identify the trigger just to contextualize the feeling. Because then it feels more manageable. But really, even that, it's like, all right, so this trigger happened. So I'm having this feeling that's the end of thinking now we're just gonna let the body process it. And the body processes it so fast when the brain doesn't get involved. Also, I like to think of it sometimes as, like, you know, it's harder when you're a parent, for sure, but when you. Or when you have like a, you know, a lot of work to do or whatever. But, like, when I'm sick, I always am like, I am so mad that I'm sick because I'm trying to do these things. I have this idea of what I want to do and how productive I want to be. And now I'm sick and I have to get. And the moment that I just surrender to, like, I'm sick. I gotta take a sick day. And I use it as an excuse to, like, baby myself and to get the soup that I want and to watch the shows that I want and to, you know, then it's like, great, okay, cool. We have a sick day where we get to, like, we have a. We can give ourselves the permission to take care of ourselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And the same thing happens with these big feelings. This is how it leads to, as we've referred to on this podcast, my, like, babushka phase. Like, when I'm really in my feelings, if I may, like, I'm wrapped in a blanket with a hot water bottle by a fireplace, sipping tea and just like, kind of in a slow, steady weep.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Right.

[Valerie]

And it's not. It's like, it's because I've had the moment where I've been resisting, resisting, resisting the feeling inevitably. And I go, like, baby girl, just wrap yourself in a blanket. Just you. You now have an excuse to really.

[Pete Holmes]

Baby, baby. I had the exact same experience last night when, you know, I was feeling upset, and then I was like. And then Lulu gave me the biggest hug, and Lila was jumping on me, and it was. That was really helpful and nice. But then I also was like, oh, I'm getting this feeling like, I just need to be alone. And then I was. And then just like, you being wrapped in water bottle. And you love that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I went. You love being alone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, oh, it wasn't a trick. But I was like, everyone knows what's happening. Everyone will understand if I just want to go sit outside. I love going to sit outside.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I went and sat outside and just sat outside. Is being said too much. I just had such a. It was peaceful. I wasn't sitting there like I might have in the past, drafting up 15 snarky replies. I just saw the code. I was like, hurt person this. I. I have impulse to hurt back. And then I was like, for those listening, I. All I did was I question marked it.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I got the text and it really was confusing. So I was like, what? Yeah, I. I really. I'm still not sure. I. I really, for real understand exactly what she means. So I just question marked it. But I sat out and I wasn't going through, like, oh, yeah. Well, you. You know, it wasn't that. I. It was quiet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And I. I love. Basically, I was watching the sunset, essentially, and I was like, what's wrong with this? That's real. The lights are still on. Like, look like you're sad. You constant steady weep. But you're just sitting in a chair.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, sometimes there's a click where you go, like, your body, in my case, is reacting as if, like a rhinoceros just came into the house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And actually, look, look. There's no rhinoceros. It's people. It's humans having feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I, you know, I looked at a tree, and without. Sometimes you can think, like. And this tree has watched dozens of mothers and sons.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a little too conceptual. I just sort of looked at the tree and appreciated oh, my God. Or the mountain.

[Valerie]

Does it feel for me, too?

[Pete Holmes]

And it is without thinking, like, this mountain has been here.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it will be here. That's a little too Snoop Dogg.

[Valerie]

It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

I just kind of was like, let's just look at it, what it is, and let it in. The way that nature can calm your nervous system. Not thinking about it, but allowing it and going like, wow. The scale of this. This mountain, this tree, Both bigger, both older than me. What is this? A poem? And I look down, and what do I see?

[Valerie]

It's the.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the.

[Valerie]

At my knee,

[Pete Holmes]

T. Shel Silverstein is back. But you're going to want to wish he wasn't.

[Valerie]

But you're going to want to wish he wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep. Pete and Val ad really throwing her in here. Hey. This episode is brought to us by article, which Val ordered for us and loved it so much. I was like, you have to do the ad with us. We love when something shows up at your house and you immediately go, this is legit. And that is how we feel about our amazing article furniture. Val, what did we get?

[Valerie]

We got. Tell them two gorgeous, gorgeous lounge chairs.

[Pete Holmes]

Lounge chairs tossed. The old rickety, broken, moldy wooden ones. Gone.

[Valerie]

Gone. These ones you can wipe clean they don't get. They.

[Pete Holmes]

They look amazing.

[Valerie]

They look amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

They up leveled the house. It's like John Wick's house.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

We live in John Wick's house.

[Valerie]

That's right. We also got a new rug that I'm obsessed.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazing, like feel barefoot, skating on barefoot skater. It's so solid, well made, no weird assembly nightmare. It's that clean modern style that works with everything we love. That article doesn't do a million things. They just curate really beautiful, high quality pieces that are built to last. So whatever your vibe is mid century cozy, coastal or that Scandinavian minimal thing, you can find it at Article. Shipping was fast, smooth and if you want, they'll even handle assembly. They got a 30 day satisfaction guarantee, which we did not need because we were 30 seconds guaranteed. We're in.

[Valerie]

That's right, Article. Our satisfaction was guaranteed.

[Pete Holmes]

It was there. I liked it. So you can try, try it out and make sure you like it. If you. If you need that 30 day satisfaction, we did not. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of a hundred dollars or more. To claim, visit article.com weird and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com weird for 50 bucks off your first purchase of $100 or more.

[Valerie]

Only 18 states require sex ed to be medically accurate.

[Pete Holmes]

And relationship classes.

[Valerie]

Let's fix that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Shan, an ASEX certified sex educator with a master's in psych and on my podcast, Lovers by Shan, we make learning about love and as mind blowing as making it.

[Valerie]

Celebrities and fascinating people share an intimate story. Then we uncover the lesson for all of us. Watch Lovers by Shan from Lemonada Media on YouTube or listen wherever you like your podcast. Yeah, I love looking at the mountain when I'm sad. Here we go. And then I'm. Then when I'm thinking about my dad.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Valerie]

No, that I. And it isn't really that. Like I'll feel myself wanting to be like, you know, it's still and it's stoic and it's. And it's really not that. It's just like we're natural and to remember that we are a part of nature.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, for sure. And also that this is a little heady. But like, I want to say a couple things. One. Jesus. Okay, everybody relax. Everybody relax.

[Valerie]

Soon. Not relaxed.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good quote. What if I said it was Buddha? Actually, it does help, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it does help.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna know it was Jesus and that'll make me feel Good.

[Valerie]

But Jesus is just all right with me.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew we've merged.

[Valerie]

He knew what he was gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew you were gonna say, and I loved it. But somebody said, I am the light of the world. So light, awareness, consciousness, to use Rupert language. That which renders your experience knowable. This ever present constant, inescapable reality that you are aware you know what's happening. Waking, dreaming, sleeping, you are aware. I know you might be thinking deep sleep, you're not aware. We could talk about that. It's boring. But you are crisp and fresh and here, no matter what's happening, like the sky. And Jesus also said, or Buddha, if you're. You said, I'll be with you until the end of the age. There's this like idea of like, I'm always with you. It's also the prodigal son. I'm always with you and everything I have is yours. So there's this reliable. The lights are still on Ness. And the king doesn't deny. The king in the archetype system is all of the archetypes now. We're just talking psychology so everybody can relax. No more religious language. I'm just saying. Okay, there's just some. I'm just saying what we've been saying. There's something beautiful about, like, look to what was there before the upset, what was there during the upset, and what was there after the upset. And know that to be your bedrock, know that to be your reliable, consistent. That's the light. And. And that's literally the good news. It was there when I was happy. It was there when I was triggered. It was there while I was repairing, and it's here now. And that's what every spiritual tradition is trying to draw you towards, which is the reliable. We're all in this world and it's so weird and anything can happen. And we all kind of act like that's not true by eating ice cream and buying stuff. But like, really, it's just like, so weird to be like, ice skating in this. Like, weird. I'm not. Let's not even talk about it. It's so fucking weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah,

[Pete Holmes]

okay. What is the one thing that's always been with you? What couldn't be taken from you? And usually we say, well, you could say God is that we'll find the part of you that never changes and know that to be God. And that's the light is always on too. But the king, in his wisdom doesn't say that to the children. He just goes, look, the lights are still on.

[Valerie]

Well, the lights are still on is so genius. Because it will. I bet it means different things to different. Different parts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And, you know, like, it would mean different things to different people. You say that in, like. The first thing I think of is like. Like sort of the. The Dakota Switch Foot song, if you want to talk about Jesus. The shadow proves the sunlight. Like, it's like there's. There's perceived darkness, but it's really like shadows. It's like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I would add to that your doubt proves your being. Like, if you doubted your being this. This presence that we're talking about, you would be employing that presence to doubt it.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That takes it to rock solidness. So I. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I love Switchfoot.

[Valerie]

I really.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. Switch Foot.

[Valerie]

I do love that song. It's so great. But. But. Yeah. And then there's also. The lights are still on in the most basic. Sort of like, the business is still open, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Totally. Val, look, I'm really excited because. That's exactly right. The king knows he means what we really are is always here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The angry man who's on fire goes, yes, we're still taking care of business. We're still paying the bills. Yes, the lights are still on. Yes, the kids are like, it's okay. It's still daytime. Yes, we're safe. It's fine.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody can hear a different thing. But the King, you'll notice he's smiling. That's what I like about the Princess Bride King is he's always smiling. Even when things are going wrong. He's just like this constant, slow, steady, happy old man. He seems a little aloof, for sure, but, like, in my version, he's a little tighter in the aloof category. But, like, it's a great. It's a great little mantra. Mantra, man. It was funny to have to. I send out a form email when I ask for people to do the show. I'm not even trying to be funny. It's just real. It's funny. Over the years, the people I've had to remove, like, I paste this thing. Please, come on. You made it weird. Past guests include and recently had to remove Mantra, which is a Deepak.

[Valerie]

Deepak Chopra.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not delighting in anything.

[Valerie]

No, I'm just telling you it's an interesting thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an interesting thing.

[Valerie]

I know. It's very. It's very wild. Well, I'm really proud of you for doing such good work. I know. And you should. And like, that's the feeling is in a good reminder for everyone. Like, this is such good, important work. You should feel very proud of yourself for. For doing it. And remember that, like, it's not what life's all about and that you can have fun.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but I feel freed up to have fun. When I was really jammed up, I would hear you and Lisa laughing and my pain body. One of the other things it says is, but what about me?

[Valerie]

Yes. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, oh, my God. I'm part of so much ancestral trauma where what about me was so essential? Like, people were literally fleeing bad situations, rough stuff. I'm saying that with love and honor and respect. And I'm like, it stands to reason that I would have a double dose of. But what about me?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you just go, like, we can relax and. And we can have fun. I. I don't need to be jealous of you and Lisa laughing.

[Valerie]

Yes, but I understand, like, that is. I. It makes. It's a kind of a sad story, but it also is just such a good image of what our pain bodies all say. But my grandmother was, like, very mentally ill, and she, you know, had, like, series of shock treatments. She was, like, mentally ill in, like, the wrong time frame to be a mentally ill person.

[Pete Holmes]

Same with my grandfather.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. And so my mom and I, there was a period of time where we. My mom was, like, driving her five hours once a week, like 10 hours round trip to get these shock treatments. And she would just, you know, was just so depressed and unwell and. And it was so hard on my mom. And I went with my mom once, and we were, like, in two different, you know, like, my mom and I were in a hotel bed and my grandma was in the other hotel bed. And it was like, all the stress of it was just, like, bubbling up and making us, like, loopy. And so we were really giggly, my mom and I, like, like, snickering and laughing and like. Like, just whatever. We had the giggles in a hotel bed, which is, like, my favorite thing. And my grandma said, like, oh, if you only knew how I felt, you would never laugh again.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Like, this is what our pain bodies say to people. Like, it's like, I can relate. Please join me in my pain, because that's all your pain body to use. I mean, we got that term from Eckhart Tolle, and his theory is we have these. You know, all of the pain that's been stored up, it has energy, and it's created this like semi autonomous body in our body. And its only goal is to get people to vibrate with its frequency. Which is another way to say these feelings just want to be seen and felt. Like our pain just wants. So like, when Leela is saying, I hate you, you're the worst mom ever. What she's really saying is like, I want you to feel the amount of pain that I feel so that you will believe me. And how bad it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Feels. So like the only thing to say is like, this feels really bad. I believe you. Yeah, this feels terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny because when Leila says I hate you, which is rare, I sure hope she doesn't hear this and feel embarrassed. Lee, every kid says that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. She.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm talking to 18 year old Leela who's doing a college project on us.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think it's okay. She'll know that she's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

I hope she like relishes in being like, I was the kind of kid that said I hate you.

[Pete Holmes]

I think she would think it was cool. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I. My. It's funny. I do acknowledge the feelings and stuff, but like, what really works or has worked a couple times, I just go, I don't believe you. I'm your dad. You. You love me. And she sometimes just. That breaks the spell.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Well, there is something beautiful in that too, is. It's like you can say what you want to me. I know you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

It really is just like I. She's also asking us to have the distress, the amount of distress tolerance to handle, even like full on.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what. And that's why it's not really what I'm saying. It's that I'm saying it incredibly calmly and I'm kind of smiling. It's funny too. I. I want to share this as often as I can because I think it's important when sometimes Lila will say, like, she doesn't like life or whatever and she just wants things to go away. And I'm like, Lee, everything goes away.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And I heard this in a documentary. They were like, when young people in their lives, which is super sad. This guy, I forget what his name was, but he was a, A myth guy. He was like a teacher of myths. And he was like, what? I've said it a million, but I think it's really powerful. He's like, what young people need to realize is there is something that needs to die, that needs to change. Don't take that to the literal extreme of your life. But look, and Go. Yes, this is valuable information. That time is done.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't jump. This is what he said. He goes, don't jump off the bridge. Go over it. And I say that to Lee all the time. I'm like, lee, kindergarten, first grade, second grade. Pete is gone. You can count on that.

[Valerie]

There are versions of ourself are moving

[Pete Holmes]

into the next version, and that applies to us, too. It is like, this too shall pass. But it's really going. Making it a little bit more dramatic and being like, yeah, end that part. Take the agency and go. That's done. Line in the sand. I'm moving on. This job, this relationship, whatever it is, I am going to end it. But I'm not going to confuse that circumstance for my essence and for what I actually am. And I'm going to take that with me to the next part.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's so true. Because she's about to change schools, too, and she's, like, unhappy in this school. And she. So we're saying, like, this phase of being in this school is about to die and the new phase is going to be reborn. And she really is like that. Like, she only wants new things. She just wants, like, new life. New life, new life. You know? And so I think it is a. You thought of that way of describing.

[Pete Holmes]

Because she loves. She's obsessed with death. She thinks that she's a Nightmare before

[Valerie]

Christmas, Haunted Mansion, Wednesday, Addams kind of gal.

[Pete Holmes]

Even though if you saw her, you'd be like, oh, this is one of those ethereal light. Yeah, she looks like a pixie. But then she'll be like, I'm goth.

[Valerie]

I know. She.

[Pete Holmes]

I just got her first Doc Martens. Do they ever break in? I can barely get her foot in.

[Valerie]

I. They might be too small. She, like, would. She'll, like, tug on our shirt when we're talking to a stranger, and she'll say, tell them I'm goth. Which is such a cute combo of, like, wanting to be scary but still needing your parents to communicate it because you're shy. It's very. And she also. Remember when we were at the inner, and she was like, mommy, can you start talking to me like I'm goth? Or she's like, can you start treating me like I'm goth? And I was like, yeah. What do you mean? And she's like, you're still calling me baby. You're still saying potty instead of bathroom. She's like, talk to me like she

[Pete Holmes]

wants the next phase.

[Valerie]

And I was like, you are asking us to level up. Yeah, just start thinking of her differently.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Which I think is so cool. She used to love when I called her princess and now she's like, call me Scorpion.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. She whispered that to me in the night. I think I shared this. She was like, mommy, will you call me your little Scorpion? That is so Wednesday Addams.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

All right. This really is just two people talking about how cool their kid is. I'm so sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a free podcast.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right. You knew I was wrapping up a

[Pete Holmes]

lot of money for my therapy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I just bring the goods.

[Valerie]

That's right. We both do. I mean, probably collectively.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, I'm joking. I'm just saying you'll allow a little grab ass if the premium stuff is also there. And it's such a joy. I'm not just saying this. It's a joy to share it. It makes it feel even more meaningful. Gives my life a lot of meaning to think that somebody might relate and benefit. Yeah, for sure. So thank you for listening. That's the truth.

[Valerie]

That's the truth.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the truth. And Valerie, keep it crispy.

[Valerie]

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium. On Apple Podcasts, you'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads With Lemonada Premium, are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions Solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.