We Made It Weird #249

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

We Made It Weird #249

Date: May 1, 2026
Hosts: Pete Holmes and Valerie

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Episode Overview

In this episode of "We Made It Weird," Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie invite listeners into an open, honest, and often hilarious conversation about intimacy, sexuality, social dynamics, pop culture, and the importance of genuine human connection in the face of social media and AI. The duo navigates personal anecdotes, light philosophy, and comedic riffing while exploring the ways we experience arousal, vulnerability, relationships, and identity. Throughout, their signature blend of intimacy and wit carries the show, delivering memorable moments and meaningful insights.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. ASMR and Anticipation (03:10–06:17)

• Exploration of ASMR: Pete and Valerie play with ASMR, riffing on why certain gentle sounds and actions (like whispering “buttercream”) trigger tingles.
  • Valerie notes, “An ASMR for me is if anybody is drawing something for me or, like, signing my name.” (04:32)
  • Pete teases, “What it is, is, like, it’s all anticipation. There’s no climax with ASMR.” (05:41)
• Gendered Preferences: Pete wonders if ASMR is more appealing to those who enjoy anticipation rather than a ‘finale’, suggesting a feminine trait, to which Valerie playfully agrees.

2. Sexual Dynamics & Gendered Energy (06:40–08:35, 66:02–77:13)

• Receiving vs. Projecting: Discussion about masculine and feminine sexual energy, with metaphors of projecting (masculine) vs. receiving (feminine).
  • “Vaginas are just lounging… it’s energetically exhausting to receive someone in your own body.” – Valerie (06:56, 07:17)
  • Pete: “ASMR is all anticipation, there’s no finish… It’s a little more feminine.” (05:53)
• Arousal and Openness: Valerie describes arousal as an urge to fully receive and merge, while Pete shares his experience of being ‘accepted’.
  • “When I am incredibly aroused, the feeling I have is like—get inside me. That is the feeling…I want a hundred percent of you in my body.” – Valerie (66:41)
  • Pete later clarifies, “I really feel like I’m being accepted.” (70:21)
• Consent and Communication: They stress the importance of continual check-ins during intimacy and how true consent, safety, and communication create the context for eroticism.
  • “I don’t buy the conceit that that’s not sexy. I think that’s incredibly sexy—check in.” – Pete (76:56)
  • Riff about Keanu Reeves: “It’s what Keanu would do… ‘May I have an excellent adventure?’” (77:01)

3. Pop Culture Riffs – Saved by the Bell, Celebrity Crushes, and Disney (14:32–29:41)

• Saved by the Bell Nostalgia: They dissect their childhood obsessions; Pete describes trying to make himself into Zack Morris, only to realize he was more of a sidekick.
  • “I made my hair like Zack Morris. I mean, I did it exactly…” – Pete (16:04)
• Celebrity Soulmates: Satirical chat about feeling ‘kinship’ with celebrities.
  • “I think this stripper is in love with me—sex clothes remover. I don’t know what to say anymore.” – Pete (09:46)
  • Valerie: “I feel like when I think about Keanu Reeves, I couldn’t feel more flatlined.” (11:02)
• Disney Music: They joke about how songs like “When You Wish Upon a Star” only soar inside Disneyland:
  • “Disney is a wet rock in the ocean, and when you walk it back to the blanket, it’s dry.” – Pete (29:15)

4. The Lure and Limits of AI & Social Media (42:25–50:19)

• AI Anxiety and Optimism: Pete gives a mini-rant about the need to create and connect in the real world as AI threatens creative originality.
  • “If you’re feeling, like, despondent about AI…make something. Make a board game. Make it with your kids or friends.” (42:26)
  • “It doesn’t know what it’s saying—it’s a word prediction model.” (42:51)
  • “That is the delicacy of our time: doing something imperfectly, doing something flawed.” – Pete (45:46)
• Social Media’s Illusory Connection: Parallels between AI, social media, and unrequited love—“cheap dopamine,” “breadcrumbs,” and false fulfillment.
  • “It’s giving you the illusion of connection…without vulnerability.” – Valerie (47:24)
  • Pete: “We just want to be wanted and celebrated, and men want to be celebrated and desired by other men.” (59:54)

5. Intimacy, Friendship & Safe Vulnerability (58:30–62:56)

• Male Friendship & Platonic Intimacy: The pair discuss the need for men to seek deeper friendships, referencing shows like DTF St. Louis and their own experiences.
  • “It’s so much about platonic male intimacy, which we talk about all the time.” – Valerie (58:52)
  • Pete: “I’ve been more forays into male friendship…I really love that—that is a work relationship. But get it wherever you can.” (61:07)
  • Metaphor comparing card games to masculinity and vulnerability: “Cards is still…I’m gonna kill you…But what if we were just laughing and you win, you lose, but—it’s not so, like, hold’em.” (62:05–62:43)

6. Gender Roles, Respect & Chivalry (79:16–87:18)

• Door-Holding and Chivalry: Playful, nuanced analysis of traditional gestures like men holding doors for women, why they persist, and the meaning beneath them.
  • Valerie: “We know you could murder us, and we still let you inside our bodies. So, like, just open the door.” (79:36)
  • Pete: “I have a huge heart for transgender and gender—all of it. The kernel of it is beautiful, which is human beings looking out for each other.” (82:09)
• Pregnancy & Societal Respect: Valerie comments on appreciating gestures like being given a subway seat while pregnant, connecting it to pride and acknowledgment rather than fragility.
  • “There is, like, a salute… You’re goddamn right I’m gonna get that.” (84:21)
• Gift-Giving as ‘Safe’ Connection: They riff on jewelry/flowers as symbolic gifts, arguing for safe, consensual expressions of desire.
  • “When a guy gives flowers, it’s a precursor to giving his penis. And she receives the flowers…” – Pete (86:38)
  • Valerie: “It really is this thing of like, you never owe it to me. And I’m also going to try to make you feel safe enough to open up.” (87:08)

7. Demystifying Male Sexuality & Performance Anxiety (90:00–95:24)

• Losing ‘Boner’ as Normal: The couple champions normalizing erectile fluctuations during sex, rejecting the performance myth.
  • “Boner is a flagpole you can fly the flag of trust on…I was like, this person is really—because I got in that trap of thinking of sex as a performance.” – Pete (90:09, 90:52)
  • “Normalize losing boners, and you’ll get a little more foreplay in your lives, ladies and gentlemen.” – Valerie (95:26)
• Safety as Foundation for Sexual Flourishing: They define intimacy as shared safety and openness, for all orientations and relationship structures.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Anticipation:

  “It’s all anticipation—no climax. That’s why I love it and you don’t love it.”
  — Valerie (05:48)

• Gender & Intimacy:

  “Vaginas are just lounging. No, it’s more like a flower opening. It’s more active than you think.”
  — Valerie (06:56–07:09)

• Real Connection and AI:

  "Doing something imperfectly, doing something flawed—your stammers, your squeaks of your fingers on the strings—that is uni now, that is Kobe beef."
  — Pete (45:46)

• Desire to be Celebrated:

  “We just want to be wanted. An erection is sexual, obviously, but… we just want to be desired and celebrated, and men want to be celebrated and desired by other men.”
  — Pete (59:54)

• Normalizing Vulnerability:

  “It’s a disservice to men to be like, this is a narrative and exactly how it should go… This is the most nebulous thing: connection and love and sex. There is no way that it should go.”
  — Valerie (95:18)

• Safety & Sex:

  “It’s actually the same thing for both people in a couple—it’s just safety… making you feel safe enough to open and blossom.”
  — Valerie (91:57–92:10)

• Pod Classic:

  “You are the only person I want to riff with. Every episode of this podcast is… maybe Rick Glassman is a second.”
  — Pete (28:27)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• ASMR and anticipation: 03:10–06:17
• Celebrity crushes & Saved by the Bell nostalgia: 14:32–19:03
• Pop culture as personal identity (Saved by the Bell cast): 19:03–21:56
• AI, creativity, and making things real: 42:25–46:07
• AI’s limits, social media’s allure, and true connection: 47:24–50:19
• Male friendship, platonic intimacy, DTF St. Louis: 58:30–62:56
• Gender roles, chivalry, door holding: 79:16–84:21
• Jewelry, gift-giving, and flowers as safe exchange: 86:33–87:08
• Erectile vulnerability, performance anxiety: 90:00–95:24

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Tone and Style

The episode’s tone is candid, playful, occasionally irreverent, and always deeply curious and affectionate. Pete and Valerie’s transparency about their relationship, vulnerabilities, and sexual experiences makes for a refreshingly honest listen—infused with comedy, pop culture references, psychological musings, and a spirit of inclusion and exploration.

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Takeaways

• Real connection—whether romantic, platonic, or creative—requires vulnerability and imperfection.
• Traditional gender roles and rituals (like chivalry) can hold positive, connective kernels, as long as they’re consensual and compatible in a relationship.
• Sexual energy and arousal can show up in many forms; what matters is mutual safety, communication, and willingness to meet each other’s needs.
• Challenge social scripts about performance in bed; presence and kindness are better than perfection.
• Amidst the hype and threats of AI, nothing replaces the value of actively making, sharing, and participating in the messiness of real life with real people.

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Final Moment:
The episode closes with Valerie, after a profound, open-hearted discourse on sexuality and safety, reminding listeners—

“Normalize losing boners, and you’ll get a little more foreplay in your lives, ladies and gentlemen.” (95:26)

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Call to action:
Keep it weird. Maintain it. Keep it crispy.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening?

[Valerie]

What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

I really. We left it all in the court. I'm spent now. I know we didn't sleep very much.

[Valerie]

No, we didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

But you can't tell from this episode.

[Valerie]

No, we really go into it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great. I think this is one of the great. I know I. I know I almost always say that.

[Valerie]

You do always say that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, then we can take out that almost. I always say it.

[Valerie]

I think it.

[Pete Holmes]

This one was great. And there's a lot of intimacy talk.

[Valerie]

There's a lot of intimacy talk. There's laughs, there's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it. And there's a good. Oh, I forgot about my little. In the middle. There's like a good AI optimism speech that I think a lot of people. If you're like me, it's what I need to hear. So I hope you enjoy that. And we're glad you're here. It's. We made it weird. This is the. These are the Friday episodes where Valerie and I sit down as opposed to the Wednesdays, which are the guests. These are always me and Val and they're always my favorite. Yeah. And I'm so glad Everybody's here. Peteholmes.com for my tour dates. Thank you to everybody who came out to Largo. I'm not even going to list them. Just go to petehomes.com I'm probably coming somewhere. You are. Denver. I think we're going to add a late show Thursday because they sold out. So thanks to Denver. And please watch Silly silly Fun Boy on YouTube. We're like almost at 700,000, which is really great.

[Valerie]

Good job.

[Pete Holmes]

Really proud.

[Valerie]

Good job, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad that people are finding it. And Spells to cast on your parents is my kids book, which is a book of spells that kids cast on you, the grown up. You don't have to be their parent. They the grown up. What if you're like, I can't read it. I'm not their parent. It's just to cast on grownups. But parents is a better title. But it's the book.

[Valerie]

You slowly start realizing it should.

[Pete Holmes]

It should just be spells to cast on grownups. Yeah, I don't like that.

[Valerie]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Spells to cast on your parents.

[Valerie]

I know. It just seems like going in that

[Pete Holmes]

direction, like knocked up. She looks like somebody who just realized she's pregnant. But that's available for pre border on itunes. I'm just kidding. On where? We know. We're hinting at Amazon, aren't we?

[Valerie]

Wherever you get your books, you can

[Pete Holmes]

get it wherever you want. Yeah, call your local book person. I don't know what kind of life you're living. Maybe. Maybe you're listening to this podcast by candlelight on an old timey war of the worlds radio.

[Valerie]

Okay, suddenly I have to pee so bad.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, so Pete, home store dates, spells to cast. Silly, silly fun boy.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts.

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

Why did I search the Internet for answers to my cold sore problem?

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm stuck down a rabbit hole

[Amazon Health AI Voice]

filled with images of alarmingly graph hours in various stages of ooze. I can clear my search history, but I can never unsee that.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't go down the rabbit hole. Amazon Health AI gets you the right care fast. Healthcare just got less painful. We need to roll on this.

[Valerie]

That really works.

[Pete Holmes]

We're doing asmr. I'm saying Buttercup, Buttercream. Did that work?

[Valerie]

Yes, I. Buttercream.

[Pete Holmes]

Buttercream.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? What is asmr?

[Valerie]

What is ASMR also?

[Pete Holmes]

And what is ass to mouth? I'm just kidding. What if there's somebody in the world who confused as. I don't even want to say that.

[Valerie]

Asmr.

[Pete Holmes]

ASMR sounds a lot like a sexual.

[Valerie]

It sounds like bdsm.

[Pete Holmes]

Bdsm.

[Valerie]

But that it involves ass. I. That worked so well. The whiskers on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God. Wow.

[Valerie]

It worked so well. I did the chill.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? What is the evolutionary buttercream mechanism? It's like, because like paying. Like, it's like paying attention to. There's an old, old wooden ship. There's a Zen proverb.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where I think about it all the time.

[Valerie]

It says buttercream.

[Pete Holmes]

If you whisper buttercream quietly. It's not about your ass.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's not. I was gonna say if you draw a map for someone, they shall feel it in their spine. That's one of my big ones.

[Pete Holmes]

Draw a map.

[Valerie]

An ASMR for me is if anybody is drawing something for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Valerie]

Or like signing my.

[Pete Holmes]

I get it. I can't say no more. Can we add a doctor writing a prescription for you?

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, I'll take it.

[Pete Holmes]

And we've probably talked about this before because mine is, I feel like is pretty basic, but like being measured a hundred percent.

[Valerie]

And that is a real thing on the arm. Like if you look up the ASMR videos. One of the big ones are. One of the big ones is getting Measured.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it's always. I'm going to do my best impression of the girls talking like that. It's like, okay, today we're going to just take a couple measurements.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I get it.

[Valerie]

And if you can just lift your arm, we're going to. I want to do it. I want to be an ASMR person.

[Pete Holmes]

You do?

[Valerie]

Yeah. I think I actually was kind of expecting you to be really blown away by how good at that I was.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I don't. I don't know. I love you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't love asmr. I'm not like, seeking it out in my life. It's fine.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine. What it is, is, like, it's all anticipation. There's no climax. There's no asmr.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Of course. That's why I love it. And you don't love it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I. I like it. And it is a little bit more feminine. Yeah. There's no finale. But if there was, it would be another kind of sex. If there was a way that somebody. We're going to be talking. If somebody could do that and then bring you to. And your nipples shoot off into two dart boards and it's bullseyes.

[Valerie]

You men always need something to shoot off.

[Pete Holmes]

We love projecting.

[Valerie]

Doesn't. It's like it doesn't count unless you shoot off.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know. It's underreported how embarrassing it is to be the shooting off gender. We're like, you know, you see like a. Like a. Like a flower in a swamp that goes, like, shoots off all the. That's us.

[Valerie]

Okay. I. This is pretty sexual, but I think

[Pete Holmes]

it at least gets interesting. Vaginas are just lounging. That's what a woman on a chaise lounge makes so much sense. That's what a vagina is. It's just kind of lounging. No waiting for like. Like for the. And we're out there being all sweaty and like, shooting the.

[Valerie]

Okay, but here's.

[Pete Holmes]

Is a vagina. A woman on a chaise lounge.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I think it's like. It's more like a. I hate that I'm a cool way, but I think it's more like a. Like a flower opening. It's more active than you think to like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's okay. You're right. I was like 1809 with my. It's like a lady on a chaise lounge.

[Valerie]

Yeah. She just lays there. She lays there.

[Pete Holmes]

She waits for the calling.

[Valerie]

It actually is very energetically. Exhausting to receive someone in your own body.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I understand. Understand. And ASMR is. I know. That's what. I did. That bit last night. I thought it was. I mean, I like all my bits, but I was like, porn people should be paid and protected. SAG is all over everything and won't touch the porn industry. Even though it's film and scripts and lights and boom mics and actors and craft services and cameras, it's exactly the same. But we're so ashamed. As soon as a penis goes. I'm not trying to be funny here. As soon as the penis goes in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A vagina, it's like, well, we're not touching that. You can steal it, rip it. Yeah, totally. Total piracy is totally fine. Twist it. And I was, like, trying to make the point. It didn't really work. And I don't. I actually don't think it will work, which is why I'm fine giving it away. Giving it away. You know what I mean? Like, saying it on the pod is. I'm like, it's real in a movie. It's fake. Everything is fake. Neo. Keanu Reeves has never punched anyone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, maybe he has. I don't know. He seems very measured.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he does.

[Pete Holmes]

Seems very measured.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he does.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet he's. I bet he's given people a taste. I might punch you.

[Valerie]

Yeah. He gives one of these, and then

[Pete Holmes]

he goes, now back off.

[Valerie]

Yeah, now back off.

[Pete Holmes]

Now back off. Now back off.

[Valerie]

Now back off.

[Pete Holmes]

Now back off. She said she doesn't want to ride.

[Valerie]

I think that's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it?

[Valerie]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

The impression or. I just think. I think the area is very nice. It was Taran Killam that taught me that you have to bounce a little when you do Keanu. All right? Like, there's, like, a little.

[Valerie]

And he definitely has a head tilt. Like, constant head tilt.

[Pete Holmes]

And he'd be looking in your eyes, kind of making love to the guy. Now back off. Like, the guy's kind of like, you know, like. Like, everyone walks away happy. The. The person being harassed in this scenario and saved by Keanu is happy.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And the guy that got like, she's gonna need three feet. And he's like, why am I rock hard right now?

[Valerie]

There's the. Like that. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

You got Keanu'd.

[Valerie]

People love Keanu. And, like, I've even had a friend who was like, I feel like I. Like, if I ever met him, we would be, like, soulmates.

[Pete Holmes]

And whenever people say that, I'm like, you bunk.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I. I don't know. I don't necessarily feel. I've actually felt that way.

[Pete Holmes]

I think this stripper is in love with me.

[Valerie]

No, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Sex clothes remover. I don't know what to say anymore. Do we say stripper anymore? New rule.

[Valerie]

Sex clothes removal.

[Pete Holmes]

Strippers are strippers. Sorry. Not sorry. Sex clothes remover is a remover.

[Valerie]

I've definitely felt that way about people that I've never met. But I like a kinship.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's their job, is to, like, get just the right amount of wet on their eyeball that you fall in love with.

[Valerie]

I hear you, but that's every actor's job. And why would you feel that about one actor and not the other?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, let's go into it. He probably looks like some crush she had.

[Valerie]

Okay. But that's. Yeah, sure. But that's everything. All of attraction is. I'm all worked up.

[Pete Holmes]

I did this. I did this. I tricked. I gaslit you. Like, play the tape back. I was getting really worked up. You matched my tone. And I did down to DTF St. Louis to you. I went, can you speak up, please? But I went, can you calm down, please?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I told you.

[Valerie]

So excited.

[Pete Holmes]

Trapped you. That was a move. That was a move.

[Valerie]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't even come up. I was at a nine. You came to an eight. And I was like, okay, take it easy.

[Valerie]

But this is the. What I'm trying to say about Keanu is that I feel.

[Pete Holmes]

Back off.

[Valerie]

Like, that's a color I don't see, which is.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you.

[Valerie]

Which is. I feel like how a lot of people feel about me. No, but I. But I. So it's not like on him. I just am like, when I think about Keanu Reeves, I couldn't feel more flatlined.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so interesting. Keanu means a lot to me.

[Valerie]

See. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't think would be friends. That's what. Look, I know the friend you're talking about.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And with full respect, I've had people say that about Kristen Bell. Was somebody that they were like. I just feel like would be friends. That's fine. But I'm just like, you just fell for their spell. It's like some guy comes to your house and sells you solar panels, and you're like, I think we're going to be friends.

[Valerie]

I do understand. I. I agree that. That sometimes it is that. And I also think that there are things.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, they're in your house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Keanu's in your house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's entertaining you. He's showing you his body. He's showing you his eyes. But it's more listening to his voice.

[Valerie]

It's like, what she's saying. It's. It's. It's more about how he talks in interviews, like, what he says, which is true. I heard you on a podcast before I met you, and I was like, I know. I know this person. I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I know I can talk out the other side of my face on this one.

[Valerie]

And honestly, so could I.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what's fun about it. No, I actually am gonna call a little bullshit on me. I think I get. I'm so afraid of not being received, reciprocated that I would never dare to be like, I think me and Jim Carrey would be friends because it's just

[Valerie]

too much to risk they wouldn't feel the same.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Even as a hypothetical. So I'm just like, no, he's just an actor. It's fine. But she's bold. She's out there. It's in the astrology world. It's sold in the same store as astrology and crystals and kindred spirit. I think if I met Keanu Reeves, we'd be best friends. Would be lovers.

[Valerie]

Yes. You know, that's a really good question. That's a great question.

[Pete Holmes]

Call me your lover.

[Valerie]

Have you ever had the feeling it would have been in high school? I'm going through your romantic history. Where it was.

[Pete Holmes]

You've been scrolling. My romantic history.

[Valerie]

I'm scrolling, baby. Where it was, like, an unrequited crush.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean irl.

[Valerie]

IRL and like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

And then. But do you feel. Or did you just sort of go like, oh, it's unrequited. I'm not gonna pursue this.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, did I hold a flame?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a girl in junior high.

[Valerie]

Can I talk to you?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. I know.

[Valerie]

I trapped you.

[Pete Holmes]

One. I'm betraying you two. This is underage. Like, this is gross. I used to have a joke. I used to have a joke. It was so gross. But I was like, I have friends that lost their virginity when they were 15. And I was like, it's illegal for you to remember that. Like, you're 40. Delete that. Yeah, it's not okay to have that memory. It was. It was fine then. You do. I mean, I need material. I'm writing it down.

[Valerie]

I mean, I know I feel it make people uncomfortable, but I think it's.

[Pete Holmes]

What do we call it. Virgin 15.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Illegal to remember that. I can't remember. There's so many jokes, I don't even remember what happened to them. Anyway, sometimes they just come out during a podcast. But this is actually even more on topic than you thought, because listen to what I'm about to tell you.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I was watching Saved by the Bell. I'm gonna say it ad nauseam. I was ripping in junior high. Yeah, Ripping it. What do you mean? Like, this weekend, I was picturing you

[Valerie]

in a hotel room watching Saved by the well.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, not even. Not even stoned. It doesn't have that.

[Valerie]

It doesn't hold up.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I. Maybe it's nostalgic. I don't know why. I'm like, maybe it does. I don't think it does. No, I don't think. I don't think anybody's like, that was some premiere television.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That was some perfect. That was a perfect show.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Imagine. What if, like, what is, like, the. I don't even know what I used to say. Huffington Post. I don't even know what the website is. If they put out the hundred best TV shows of all time. Like, number two is Sopranos. Number three is Breaking Bad. Number one is Saved by the Bell.

[Valerie]

I'm actually writing it down because I think that's such a funny thing for a character. Like, if you're on a date and it's like, are we brainstorming an early red flag?

[Pete Holmes]

And they say Saved by the Bell

[Valerie]

is a perfect show.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I just got that feeling you get when you just ordered something you can't wait to eat. Like, I can't wait to see that in something you make. That's incredible. It's also, like, even nine, zero, two, and zero I could forgive.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they were like, it. It's honest. Like, I could see somebody just going, it's honest.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Brandon. Brandon. It's honest. It's like, that's all they'd have to say, and I'd be like, no, I need more. It's honest. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

The Peach Pit. It's honest.

[Pete Holmes]

Joey Toda. It's honest. Listen, I watched so much Saved by the Bell that I really. And this is a little bit frightening, but also helpful to remember, was trying to make my life look like that. I made my hair like Zack Morris. I mean, I did it exactly like I would've loved to bleach it. Mm. I didn't know that's what he did. I just thought he had, like, dark roots and white I know.

[Valerie]

None of us knew anything about.

[Pete Holmes]

We didn't know. We didn't know shit.

[Valerie]

No, we didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Now this is the Internet, man. There was a time when we were like, that's just his hair. Some people have that hair. I didn't know.

[Valerie]

Do you. Did you ever do the cap, the, like, highlights at home where. It was a cap. Some of the boys did this. I don't know if Derek ever did. But like, you wear a cap and it had holes in it and there was like, almost like a crochet hook that you would pull pieces out through the holes and then put all the blonde dye on so that it was like. You took it off and it was like, janky ass.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna. And it. Did it come with devil sticks or did you have to buy those separately? Cause this is. This is awful.

[Valerie]

This is pretty uniquely Californian, I think. This is like. This probably is specific to being raised in California.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel like I was hit on at a party by some Axe body spray. What was it called?

[Valerie]

Well, I think we called it frosted tips, but that's not.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you frost tips. But that. That's fucking awful.

[Valerie]

I mean, it was just highlights.

[Pete Holmes]

In hindsight, you forget that the 90s were a thing. Yeah, the chunky metal beaded necklace or the hemp one?

[Valerie]

Oh, the. The puka shell.

[Pete Holmes]

Puka Shel. But also the, like, the. The fat beaded one.

[Valerie]

Yeah, the fat beaded one.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, kind of like ironed, creased, fat bottomed jeans, Boots with the bottom, Boots with the fur. Got the whole crowd looking at her. Yeah, she hit the flow. Next thing you know, I mean, what if there was a white producer in that song? And he's like, okay, I just have one thing. She hit the floor. Next thing you know, that doesn't rhyme. And he's like, don't worry about it.

[Valerie]

I got it. He's like, we've got. We. We've got no and low.

[Pete Holmes]

That works.

[Valerie]

That works.

[Pete Holmes]

But now we have floor.

[Valerie]

You need door in there or something?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. She opened the door. Next thing you know, maybe if it's Australian. Next thing she's like, nar.

[Valerie]

She. She opened the door.

[Pete Holmes]

Next thing you know, oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gore.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'm watching Saved by the Bell. This is kind of sweet. I came to the realization that I'm not Zack Morris. I was like, my friend Matt is Zach.

[Valerie]

Nobody else was Matt Moreno.

[Pete Holmes]

Matt Murano.

[Valerie]

Matt Murano.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, that guy is the leader. Zach is the leader. Yeah, we're Just like pack animals. He's the leader. He makes the most risks, he attracts the most mates. He's like tall and handsome and all. You're just like. He's got the jawline. You'd think you'd be Slater.

[Valerie]

I was always a Slater girl.

[Pete Holmes]

But this is. Okay, maybe Saved by the Bell was a perfect show because look at how we're pouring ourselves into it. Slater. What is Slater? Yeah, he's healthy. Yeah, he like works out on the show. They had to. He's so buff. They had to write it in. Like you got to work out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or no one's going to believe it. Like there was this Sylvester Stallone movie where he's a arm wrestler, but he's a long distance truck driver. But he's so jacked. They wrote it into the script that in his. In the cabin of his truck he had weights. They were that in the 80s. They were worried that the logic wouldn't track.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They'd be like, I mean everyone's going to know. This guy couldn't maintain this body. I'm with this guy. He just blended a turkey and drank it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so Slater is. And he's also artsy. He dance.

[Valerie]

He dances.

[Pete Holmes]

He dances.

[Valerie]

That's what I like.

[Pete Holmes]

He also wrestles. There's something sophisticated about wrestling. Like I'm going to do something that a closed minded person. I'm not saying this. Would think is sort of like, what do you, what do you. You like him? What, do you want to kiss him? No.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I have. Guess what my fucking brain is. It's a bento box. Yeah, your brain is just one fucking goop where there's sex and fucking pizza, you fucking idiot. I put wrestling clean. Well on the other side of sex. So word dicks are touching and stuff in the little. It doesn't matter. It's competition.

[Valerie]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

That speaks to a level of nuance. Slater.

[Valerie]

We. That by the end of this we are convinced that Saved by the Village. Perfect show.

[Pete Holmes]

But I wasn't a Slater either. Slater's a babe. Like a natural babe. He's got charisma.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was also kind of a bully. Hey, preppy. He's kind of.

[Valerie]

Well, they were.

[Pete Holmes]

He was the Salieri to Mozart. He knew. He knew Zach had it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he. I think he came later. I think in the.

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, maybe in the pilot, like junior high episodes or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. He's not in Good morning Ms. Bliss either.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

So Slater's like a later ad. So he's like, what's up. He's a later Slater.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I've. I loved Saved by the Bell for so long that I, of course, initially was very into Zach and Kelly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And like. And then I remember a feeling of being, like, going through a season where I'm like, I'm more of a Jesse and Slater girl. Like, I like both of them way more. But I think it was because it was like, I've exhausted the Zach and Kelly. And also probably, I'm sure knowing myself, I was like, that's obvious. Everybody loves Zach and Kelly. I like Jesse and Snyder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For those of you that listen to the Friday editions of this podcast, we made it weird. I'm always talking about Saffron. I jokingly call myself Zach Saffron because now I'm no longer Pete Holmes. I'm Zach Saffron. Because Saffron, which I'm holding right here from Kinobody, is making a huge, huge difference in my life. I can't believe there is a natural way to, for me, calm down. Calm down. Anxiety, dread, hypertension. Like, that sort of feeling like I'm in a movie theater and someone's chewing their popcorn too loud and I'm just gonna snap. And that's gone. It's incredible. I'm still funny. I'm still creative. I'm still me. I'm still productive. More productive because I don't overthink everything. Saffron is incredible. I've been doing research after the fact because I started taking it. I was having a stressful day with my daughter. We were just hitting the. Hitting a wall. I took one saffron the first time. I took it 15, 20 minutes later, first dose, I felt amazing. I felt calm. I felt focused, clear. Google it. Don't just listen to me. Google Saffron benefits. But Kenobody is batting a thousand when it comes to supplements, and they have dialed it in. The perfect Saffron supplement. You take one with your morning meal, you take one with your evening meal, and it's an absolute game changer. And you can get 20% off and be your own version of Zax Saffron. I can't recommend it more. It has been such a game changer. Go to kinobody k I n o body.com and use promo code weird at checkout for 20% off. Check out Saffron, check out their other things, but definitely get their Saffron. Get it before I buy all of it. For real. I'm using my own promo code all the time. I love it. This Podcast is sponsored by Casper Mattresses. If you listen to the show, you know Valerie and I don't really disagree about very much, but one thing that we can't really align on is firmness of mattress. Soft, firm, getting the blend Goldilocks just right. So when Casper reached out to be a sponsor of the show, I was thrilled. They were like, we'll send you a mattress. I was like, bro, we already have one. And we went to a showroom and we found the perfect Casper mattress and it settled that dispute once and for all. I slept on my Casper they make last night and I feel fantastic. I didn't finish that sentence. They make reliable, high quality mattresses designed to deliver consistent, comfortable sleep night after night. Casper's mattresses are highly rated. I'm not surprised by Consumer Reports. And out of 99 mattresses, Consumer Reports named Casper's the 1 Mattress. Their top rated all foam mattress of 2026. Casper mattresses are also built to be durable at long lasting. So you're not replacing your mattress every few years. And they have a hundred night risk free trial. So you can give your Casper mattress a try risk free. And honestly, with 110,000 plus five star reviews, I'm not surprised. We love ours. Casper also offers a wide range of mattress types. So whether you like them firm, soft or somewhere in between, which is what Val and I settled on, there's something for [e-mail] plus they just launched a brand new kids mattress. So even the youngest sleepers in your family can get that same comfort and quality. And right now you can save up to $1,000 on mattresses when you go to Casper.com one last time that C-P-E-R.com and save up to $1,000 on the mattress you deserve. Quick fun fact. Did you know that helping old dolphins is actually leading to breakthroug? That's what C15 from Fatty 15 is all about. It's the first essential fatty acid to be discovered in more than 90 years. And it's all about supporting long term health and healthy aging. Fatty 15 co founder Dr. Stephanie Van Watson discovered C15 while working with the US Navy to improve the health of aging dolphins. And now Based on over 100 studies, we know C15 helps strengthen our cells, which is kind of everything. Because when your cells are healthy and your whole body benefits, when we don't have enough C15, our cells can get fragile and age faster. Since about one in three people have low levels, this is a big deal. Fatty 15 helps repair age related damage to cells, protect them and support things like sleep, mood, energy and metabolism. In fact, 70% of people reported benefits within 16 weeks, which is pretty wild. Personally, I love it because I like anything that feels like I'm investing in my future self without having to think too hard about it. It's simple. It's one of those easy, daily things you do that can add up. Fatty 15 was developed for healthy aging at every stage of life, from kids to grandparents. And it comes in capsules and gummies, so it's easy to stick with. And fatty 15, it's on a mission to support healthy aging for all, including all ages and all stages of life. And you can get an additional 15 off their 90 day subscription starter kit by going to fatty15.com weird using promo code weird at checkout and Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson were Zach and Slay and Kelly. They tried.

[Valerie]

They tried.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't work.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Guarin didn't take.

[Valerie]

What was that even called?

[Pete Holmes]

It was like, it was something like Kelly and Justin. Justin beach party or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Was it a show? It was a movie.

[Pete Holmes]

It really tried. They flew too close to the Guarini.

[Valerie]

I mean, you know what? Kelly Clarkson, God bless her, she made it through a lot of weird.

[Pete Holmes]

She did stuff. She dodged a lot of bullets.

[Valerie]

And now she's like, still, like, there were a lot of.

[Pete Holmes]

She's singing Rachel Ray. She's singing Rachael Ray. Yeah, she's singing Rachael Ray.

[Valerie]

Yeah, she is.

[Pete Holmes]

She's just did it. She did it. She found her way. She's there. She got a talk show.

[Valerie]

She had a talk show. And it's great. And she is like. And musically legit because she was the first American idol. I feel like she had a billion voices in her head saying, like, this is how you capitalize on this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, do this. Do this show.

[Valerie]

Do this movie. And she's so young and it's all.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't know what to do.

[Valerie]

She's like.

[Pete Holmes]

She didn't know what to do.

[Valerie]

And she, like, made it through that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. A moment like this, which is not. Yeah, A moment like this is a little too like a song you'd hear on a Disney ride. Yeah, you are crying. Like, it works, but only in Disney. But you're like, if I wasn't on the ride, I don't think I would

[Valerie]

like this song exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you better. There better be confetti in the air if you're hearing a moment like this because if it's just on in your civic, you're like, Disneyland.

[Valerie]

We all are convinced that when you Wish upon a Star is the best song.

[Pete Holmes]

You are the only person I want to riff with. You're the only person I ever want to riff with. Every episode of this podcast is maybe Rick Glassman is like, a second.

[Valerie]

I'll take it. I'm in good company.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you understanding what I'm saying and then going, I'm so. I don't mean to ruin the riff by dissecting it, but, like, when you wish upon a star, if you're on the Dumbo ride and you catch a faint when you wish upon a star, you're like.

[Valerie]

You're like.

[Pete Holmes]

It makes no difference who you are.

[Valerie]

Like, like, this should be our wedding song.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And the Disney dum dums think it should be. And they forget that if you're not in a fiberglass flying elephant Disney stupor, it doesn't just. Disney is a wet rock in the ocean, and when you walk it back to the blanket, it's dry.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It didn't make it.

[Valerie]

True.

[Pete Holmes]

It didn't make it.

[Valerie]

That's what's so cool about it, is that it only exists there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right.

[Valerie]

And it should only.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why when I see someone outside of Disneyland wearing, like, a Disneyland shirt.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, not here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the opposite of a concert. You only wear the band T shirt.

[Valerie]

It's so true. Although, speaking of that, Flanny was wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt yesterday at the. And I was like, flanny, Like a classic one. Yes. I was like. I didn't even say this, but I thought, like, you are literally the only person on the planet.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna give you another one. You know who it is?

[Valerie]

Who?

[Pete Holmes]

Gosling.

[Valerie]

Gosling.

[Pete Holmes]

That's whole. That's called Gosling chic.

[Valerie]

You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

He has his home. Remember in Project Hail Mary, Remember? He's wearing a cat's shirt.

[Valerie]

Oh, yes. I have that cat's shirt. I. And I was like, angelica Cats. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What.

[Valerie]

Do you remember when I went to go see it and I went to see it with my friend Chris.

[Pete Holmes]

This is one way I put this in a script.

[Valerie]

Did you?

[Pete Holmes]

You went and saw the musical Cats

[Valerie]

with my friend Kristen. It was such a good summer. It was the summer. The second season of Crashing, where I literally. We were staying in Williamsburg, and it was before we were married, before Leela, certainly. And I was just stoned, riding a razor scooter all over Brooklyn for a whole summer. And my friend Kristen and I both Were like, hey, we've. I'm sure we were smoking weed on a balcony and just went like, I've never seen Cats. Have you? And she's like, no. And I'm like, let's go see Cats.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And so we make a plan. We get the tickets. We're so excited. I show up to her house. Or. No, no. I meet her, and she is dressed in this puffy white shirt that's like a turtleneck with a black vest. It's a black, like, jumpsuit, but it. It has straps that kind of look like suspenders. Suspenders. And she says at the dinner, she's like, I came out, and my boyfriend said, oh, Mr. Mistoffelees. She's like, so. And I don't know what he's talking about, so I can't wait to hear what that is. So then we smoke weed, go watch cats. And when Mr. Misnopolies comes on the stage and we figure out what he meant that she had accidentally.

[Pete Holmes]

Accidentally. She went to Cats accidentally dressed like Mr. Mustafelees. No knowledge of Mr. Mustafa.

[Valerie]

No knowledge.

[Pete Holmes]

She's going in Mistoffeles blind. Just happened to intuitively pick.

[Valerie]

Perfectly picked.

[Pete Holmes]

She went Mistoffeles.

[Valerie]

She went Mistoffeles accidentally. She just actually has the same Cats.

[Pete Holmes]

Cats. Watching cats as Mr. Mistoffeles. You look like a super fan.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you've never seen it.

[Valerie]

And the reveal is when he's on stage and we just didn't say a word. Just couldn't stop laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

I put it in a script. I like putting things in scripts and going, I'll ask for permission later. Because that's your joke and her story. Yeah, but I had a character to make you endeared to her.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so endearing. She goes, there's a picture on her fridge. And he goes, what's this? And he goes, oh, that's when I went to see the musical Cats and I accidentally dressed like Mr. Mistoffeles. Like, that's all I need to kind of be rooting for a person.

[Valerie]

It's so endearing. It's so sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

We saw Cats so many times.

[Valerie]

Because your mom loves cats.

[Pete Holmes]

But it. I don't know about that.

[Valerie]

It wasn't that. Did you see any theater?

[Pete Holmes]

No. That sort of breaks my heart. Like, they. They liked the song Memory, which is the sad song.

[Valerie]

Totally. And none of the other songs are like Memory.

[Pete Holmes]

No. It's out of nowhere.

[Valerie]

It's out of nowhere.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, oh, you like kitty cats and fun times. And it's like, we're all gonna die. Like, it's, like, brutal. Yes, my mom did like the song, but my mom. I say this with full respect and love. There's no drag here. I'm just saying I never really saw my parents. Maybe my dad a little bit, but, like, love, like, putting on the cat soundtrack. Like, what I like. What we're going for with Lila, obviously, is I want her to be like, dad, enough with the Elliot Smith or whatever.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want her. We talked about this yesterday, and again, I've been doing a lot of therapy and just incorporating and doing a lot of understanding towards my lineage. So there's been some real healing there. So this isn't. There's no vitriol here, but, like, one of the things I'm trying to correct or encourage or foster in Leela, we talked about this yesterday. Is when we're driving and the clouds are beautiful. Just going like, look at those clouds. They're so beautiful. Or, like, I love this song. I love the way it's like this. Or, like, just seeing it's your people, and they're going, you just showed up in a vagina portal in this weird place. I would really like the people that ushered you into this place to be, like. To like it here, to like it. I'll even take, like, ugh, I love cheese.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, I just didn't get that overall vibe.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I got, like, there's things you do, you know?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You watch baseball. Cause it's what people do. Yeah, but it wasn't like. And look again, letting everybody off the hook with full sincerity. Everybody's innocent. It's fine. But, like, if my dad was like, what I like about baseball is life is just so hectic and crazy. It's wonderful to just pour yourself into the game and forget your life and just be invested in this moment. Will this person who's been the pitcher who's been training and trying their whole life for this pitch, are they gonna get a strike? Or is the batter who's been training and trying for his whole life for this moment? It's two wills against each other, but in full respect of each other, they define each other. Like Batman and the Joker. This is beautif. But all I got was, you know, peanuts and, you know, my dad. That's fine.

[Valerie]

My dad did that. Wow. There was just a gorgeous bird with, like, a.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what we were talking about.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It was like a finch, but with a red, red head. It was a redhead.

[Pete Holmes]

A redheaded finch.

[Valerie]

My dad did do that. And, you know I think as a

[Pete Holmes]

kid, it kind of sounds like you can't win because if your dad does that, you're like, shut up.

[Valerie]

Yeah, a little bit. We were. But I actually do, in hindsight, appreciate that. Like, he definitely, for all his flaws, he had his interests. And.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I noticed that about your family.

[Valerie]

He, like, likes the things he likes. And he'll talk about why he likes.

[Pete Holmes]

When your dad eats food. He goes, mm, yeah. It's like, what about Bob? I know, but I remember being like, huh? On one hand, you know, you could make fun of that. And on the other hand, I was like, it's. It's. Let's take your dad out of it. It's just intimacy to share what you like and to invite people into what you like and ask what. I know. This is so basic, but when we're like, your mom loved Cats. We went to Cats.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, that doesn't necessarily mean she loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

It was all very Anglo Saxon and private. Like, I'd see my dad crying at, like, the hallelujah chorus or something. Such a funny. That is such a funny character detail. That's like a Lena Dunham. Like, I never saw my father except when he was listening to the hallelujah chord. And if you know my dad, I'm like, what does that mean to him?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what is it? Like, hallelujah. That's exactly why it's funny to me. Why am I crying at a song that's just like, it's what you do. It's what you do. Hallelujah. Yes. But I would catch them enjoying things. But the idea of my mom putting on the cat CD again and all of us just being like, mom.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We just didn't have. It's fine. We had other stuff, but we didn't have that.

[Valerie]

Like, their interests.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's. We talk about this a lot, but, like, when parents and children have their. Like, it's like, why gift giving is so painful in my family.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because gift giving is really saying, like, I've been watching and I see you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm trying to remember. Like, I know. Like, I was gonna make. I was making our. I make Lila a smoothie every morning, and it happens to be the same smoothie I drink. And I was going to make it with the mint chocolate cachava. No longer a sponsor. Don't use the promo code. I'm just kidding. See if it works or just do what everyone does in Google promo code. Oh, isn't that funny that we're all just doing that people are doing that.

[Valerie]

I didn't know you didn't do.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't do that.

[Valerie]

No. Well, I don't order stuff as much as you do. I mean, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

But I. And I. This is. Now I'm. This is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not mad. But you do get a lot of.

[Valerie]

I've only been getting a lot of packages because you're shooting a film, which is so cool. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I love that.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

But, yeah, if I, you know, I think people be googling promo.

[Valerie]

I should be doing that.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's whole websites, and you're like, this can't work. And then they work.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, okay. So anyway, I. What was I saying? Oh. And I went, leela doesn't like mint.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just so not. Not. Not in a nervous accounting way. Like, in a way that I know you don't like whatever the it is, you know, like, I can't think of anything. I can't think of anything the way that I know you. I don't know. I'm trying to think of something you don't like.

[Valerie]

I'm trying to think of something I don't like, too.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't like.

[Valerie]

I don't like sauerkraut.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Nobody likes sauerkraut. I love sauerkraut, but I'm in a minority.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I don't even like the smell of sauerkraut.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to be very clear and well heard on this.

[Valerie]

I don't like how you put your pants in the kitchen. This just becomes like a me leaving.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's true. I do know you like the house to be clean.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But also, I like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so trad wife.

[Valerie]

It's not even that.

[Pete Holmes]

I just leave my pants, like, on the couch. And I know that's annoying.

[Valerie]

No, you leave your pants on the kitchen counter and your socks.

[Pete Holmes]

A kitchen counter when you're my height is just a perfect place. It's right where I'm looking. Like you look where the squirrel looks or whatever.

[Valerie]

Yeah. The hat hacks to me. And why I'm not, like, a total trad wife. Well, I'm not. If there's lots of ways that I'm not a trad wife. But as far as, like, keeping the house clean, it really is. And this is good for you to know, and this is good for me to tell you. It's really. When I say, like, I want the house clean, it's. It's. I want the dishes done, and I want that kitchen counter to be clean.

[Pete Holmes]

I can do that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It seems. It's so easy. It's such a hack.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I want you to know, like, our housekeepers are, like, blasting a podcast. Are you hearing?

[Valerie]

She's not. She's on the phone. I think it's like an important phone call because she's never, she never does.

[Pete Holmes]

She's never. I know. And we love her.

[Valerie]

And she, like, apologized and I was like, it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[Valerie]

I was like, talk, talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, so sweet. I'm just so Sound senseo. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, what were we saying? Oh, yeah, yeah. I, I, I'm with you. Like, I just met the guy that made the movie the Minimalists and I'm like, I'm meeting him for coffee tomorrow. Of small coffee, I imagine. So I just want to hang out with him because you can do all of the minimalist jokes. I think we'll have a short meeting. When I met him, I was like, I assume this is your favorite jacket. I do like. And I even said to him, I was like, it has a particular appeal to the, to people on the spectrum.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said. And they all laughed. And I was like, I'm sure of it. That actually ties back to Cats. I'm. Last night when we went on a date.

[Valerie]

Brag, brag. It was such a good date. It was one of our best dates.

[Pete Holmes]

And we went to a new place. Let me just stick that one landing. I'd love to talk about the date.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I actually, we were like, we could go this place. They're all our places.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, we gotta go to a new place. And I just like to. There's a couple things I want to put out in the world. One, just ask somebody else.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I just texted Flanny. I said, where do you like to eat? That's near Largo. He told us a great place. It was awesome. It was new. Because the reason my family went to Cats was because. And God love my father, he found something that my Lithuanian pretty like, kind of serious mom likes. So we got tickets to Cats every year. I don't want to be at Cats every year. And sometimes you just need help. The other thing I'm just going to offer really quickly. This is going to sound absurd. Then let's talk about our day is with AI. Make something. If you're feeling, like, despondent about AI. I talked about on stage last night. I was like, if every thumbnail on your YouTube page is the Terminator robot and it just says in black, these jobs won't exist in four months. There. This is a real moment. And it's like, it's time. Stop around.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Make a board game.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't even have to be good. Make it. And make it with your kids or make it with your friends or have a game night. I know. I'm preaching. I'm telling everybody what I needed someone to tell me. It's like when you really get lost in this, like, oh, it can do everything. You need a good dose of. It doesn't know what it's saying. It's a word prediction model. It's not. It's. It's mimicking and stealing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It is not thinking. It is not comprehending. And we do all those things. And a. And I called it artificial generative intelligence. It's artificial general intelligence. I got that wrong. Last time we talked about.

[Valerie]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

Is a thesis.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We have this amazing thing and they're like. And it's going to get even more amazing. We don't actually know that. A lot of companies that are replacing their employees with AI are going back on it. People that are getting replaced with coding that is happening. But they're also finding that a lot of this code needs to be reviewed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's just like the example that I saw recently was like, if you ask AI if I have three plums and they're very clean and very shiny. And then I got two plums, but they're dirty and a little softer than the other plums. How many plums do I have? It won't know what the fuck you're talking about. Because that's comprehension. You prioritize and go, why is he telling me this other shit? You have five plums.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when you're telling something that's just looking at words and going like, all of these words are tokens. All of these words are equal. It's just gonna. I talked about it last night. I was like, it's fast, it's confident and it's half right. And that's very powerful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Human beings are very. We need to acknowledge that we're being sort of hypnotized and wooed and lulled and falling for in the same way that we used to fall for tonics that fix the crick in your knee and the. And the ache in your noggin. Like that same confidence of a guy with a tonic in a wagon.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is at play here.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And the only thing you can do to snap the fuck out of it. And I'M talking to me is like, put on a reading of a, play with your friends or have a game night, play some basketball, go to the gym and just hang out and, like, work out over three hours. Get the fuck in the mix. This shit wants you isolated. And I also want to make a psa. If you're talking to it four hours a day, you need somebody to tell you to stop.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop doing that. You are going into a gunfight with a piece of bubble gum.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't win. It will convince you of whatever it wants to convince you of because it has all the words and all the examples. You can't fucking fight it. It will tell you you're Neo Keanu. It will tell you you're the savior. This is happening to hundreds of intelligent people. Optimistic. That's what I started to say last week. I used to think it was kind of cute and fun. Leela and I would ask it to tell us something to draw. Fuck that. Fuck that. We can think of something to draw. We can write a song, do it badly. Because that's the delicacy of our time. Doing something imperfectly, doing something flawed. Your stammers, your squeaks of your fingers on the strings. That is uni now, that is Kobe beef. And you can do it. I know. I'm just giving a speech here. I'm just like, it's the. It's the solution.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't just go. We don't know what it's gonna do today. Go out. Like I. Like I said, I've been doing art for a new kids book. It's the solution. Yeah, it's the solution.

[Valerie]

It's the solution. And like, yeah. Be tactile. Like, touch the paints, touch the thing, smear it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let your hand smear the ink by accident and go. Great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because guess what? Look, I don't want to despair. You know, I love technology. It is remarkable at certain things, but, like, you need. It's. It's. It's drive when you're making your short films, and I just see your pilot light is on.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I see your fulfillment going on. And I see a lot of people just throwing their hands up and going, like, well, if it can write a great song, why write a song? We need this reminder. It's like, because it's not the song, it's the process. And we know that, but then it just becomes a concept. Well, it's not the thing. It's the process, motherfucker. Do it.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, get some clay. I don't get. I Don't like, dig a hole.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like really go fucking dig a hole with your friend Brad and then pee in it and cross streams like the Ghostbusters and just be like, wow, we're in outer space and our streams of piss we're crossing like the Ghostbusters and we're on a space rock. You, you just. This thing, it feeds on your surrender and it feeds on your. Wow. It was so fast.

[Valerie]

100% so fast.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we're dumb. Yeah, we're dumb. Like, opt out.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's absolutely. It's just like, oh, we haven't been recorded.

[Pete Holmes]

You poor thing.

[Valerie]

Just like social media, where it is, it's giving you the illusion of connection.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And to the point where that's satisfying. So it's giving you. It's giving you even. Like, social media is giving you some connection, but it's giving you connection with, like, very low stakes without vulnerability.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that's. Right, that's like cheap dopamine. It's cheap connection. It's not. It's not going to satisfy you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

So then you get addicted to it because you need more and more and more.

[Pete Holmes]

And just like social media, sometimes you do get something real.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like AI sometimes does wow me. And I'm like, holy. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

Right. But I. But that's the thing is that it's just. It's not ever gonna actually satiate you. So then you'll just have to keep doing more and more and more to try and, like, chase these little breadcrumbs. It's like a bad relationship. This goes back to unrequited love, which I had constantly. And I think there is a part of my brain that's addicted to like, oh, this person is not as into me. I think I can win them over. Like, we all have that kind of thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Why, you're funny and talented.

[Valerie]

Thank you. And this is the feeling of social media, where it's like you're getting breadcrumbs and you're trying to make a meal out of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And it just. You have to have vulnerability in order for anything to be worthwhile. Also, I think going back to the, like, don't talk to it for four hours a day. I think. Don't talk to it.

[Pete Holmes]

I think, oh, no, I don't talk to it.

[Valerie]

I think if you are going to use it type, let that be a boundary because I made mine a British man's voice and I was like, buttercream. I was like,

[Pete Holmes]

that's kind of my point.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to admit that we're outgunned. You need to admit that you're outmatched.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And not go in and be like, well, I'm a human being, guys. They have our number.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that this is good news. We know that we've. We've lost. They can make you buy something. They can make you do something. They can change the way you think. Well, maybe. Maybe don't stick your head in that portal.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, like that. Okay, that's. That's the solution then. Like, just don't. Because the search for fulfillment in those realms is numbing and decreasing your ability to find it where it actually is. Now you're second screening a movie instead of being transformed. Now you're with a friend, and you're both on your phone. This is a cliche. I'm just saying, like, you know, some sort of gardening lo fi meal. Like, our date.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Our date was so. Look, brag. I know. Like, I'll talk out the other side of my face days when I'm stressed and when I'm seeking. I understand ripping through YouTube. Like, please don't feel judged. I'm talking to myself.

[Valerie]

Yeah, same.

[Pete Holmes]

Talking to myself. So I. I just don't want you to think this is one of these lifestyle porn podcasts where we're like, I don't even. I don't even have it. If I do a show, if I'm doing press or I'm touring, those things are. My brain is, like, wanting so much more stimulation, and I find myself on these things just as much. And you've heard me talk about AI a bunch, so please, no judgment here. But when we were on our date, it was so fun to just kind of. I don't know.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Just lo fi together and. And laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

I laugh so much. Okay. It is a lifestyle porn. I want to. I might do this on stage, but the moment that I loved that I. I talked about on stage. I had a show last night, and you and the waiter. The waiter was like, this kind of handsome guy. I was like. I felt like my wife and the waiter were, like, hitting it off.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he was. There was the moment that you pick, you know, that you said this thing was. I. I was, like, ordering, and I was. And there was, like, different sauces you could choose. And I was like, which one do you like? And he was like, the creamy horseradish. And I was like, that's what I was gonna get.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I thought, this was great. Sorry, it's me. But I loved it. They're having this thing And I go, are you feeling this? As if I was like, what is my role in that? Are you feeling it? Like, that's what you're supposed to say. Or he's supposed to say, but I, the uninvolved husband, go, are you feeling this?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it wasn't in a dick move. Like, he and I had a rapport and everybody. So it wasn't territorial.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was funny to be like, oh, no. It's so funny. I'm shipping, you guys. I don't think people even say shipping.

[Valerie]

Shipping. I forgot about shipping.

[Pete Holmes]

Shipped.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was very funny. That was one of our many jokes of the night. You also said to him, is this the kind of place that. Where the Diet Coke comes in a wee bottle? And he was like, it does come in a wee bottle, or. You nailed it.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I look? We're in a really good spot in our lives. We're both feeling really creative and fulfilled and. And we're rocking it with Leela and taking care of our bodies and. But all of that stuff is in. In play. There's not. In fact, I spent a lot of my life being jealous of people that, like, appreciate that sometimes you go to a restaurant where Diet Coke comes in a small bottle.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I don't feel that way, I kind of get really mad. Like, angry jealous. Like, if I'm thinking about Rob Bell, who's a real seven, like an enthusiast, he'd be like, sometimes you go to a restaurant and the Diet cooks in a small bottle. And I'm like, I don't know why, but I want to burn my own house to the ground. Like, I hate this. If you're not there.

[Valerie]

If you're not there. It's acknowledging that that might get excited about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Be annoying.

[Valerie]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But, I mean, people love Rob. I love Rob. Everybody there. I think I'm in the minority, so I'm hoping people aren't annoyed. But, like, sometimes you're just like. You remember that you're in this dream, and one of the things you can do in the dream is get Diet Coke in a small bottle. That European, thin cigarette Diet Coke.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, it should be Coke light. You know it's called Coke Light over there.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Should be Coke light. Like, Mexican Coke is the best. Coke the best Diet Coke is, like, Euro Diet Coke in the small glass bottle.

[Valerie]

Coke light.

[Pete Holmes]

Coke light. Can I get a Coke light? Yeah.

[Valerie]

Cheers.

[Pete Holmes]

Buttercream.

[Valerie]

Buttercream.

[Pete Holmes]

Buttercream. Oh, you like this?

[Valerie]

I do.

[Pete Holmes]

The next chapter is called Fireplace. You love it. It's getting humid in here.

[Valerie]

I know I do.

[Pete Holmes]

The bear skin rug was obviously fake.

[Valerie]

Oh, my.

[Pete Holmes]

The first thing I noticed walking in I really like Desebel said that she took off her Brazil here. Her lumpy mounds drooping. It's not what it used to be, is it? I don't know why.

[Valerie]

This is so close to what I listened to on the Quinn app.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie]

It's really close.

[Pete Holmes]

Lumpy mounds. But it wouldn't say lumpy mounds.

[Valerie]

No, no, you lost me there. But, but you sound just like them. And like, there's a, you know, there's all these categories. For those of you don't know, Quinn is an audio eroticism app where you can listen to stuff like that and, like, there's all these categories for, like, what you're into. And one of them is British accent. And that's always the one.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah, the waters I'm playing in.

[Pete Holmes]

If I were gonna do that, I would do a British lady.

[Valerie]

Oh, you would?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, 100.

[Valerie]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I told you my favorite adult model is from Wales.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. I feel like the Welsh.

[Valerie]

Well, I can't say that's so interesting. I didn't know it went both ways that we. That.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, Girlfriend. Why a girlfriend, Peter?

[Valerie]

Girlfriend. God, why is that accent?

[Pete Holmes]

So, but then, but then it gets a little silly. The Brits have some silly. Yeah, they call it, like a tit wank.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. I like it, though. But I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

You want a tit wank? It's like, oh, you just ruined it.

[Valerie]

I realized, like, if I went to London and I was like, a single girl, I would get. It would be so. I would. Would be in so much trouble because I would never be able to tell if someone was like, a boy or just like, a terrible Valerie.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a whole sex economy to this, and it only works their way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They come here. I, I, this is also in the same script where I made the mustafelees joke. I made a joke about how a guy is British, and I go, that's just an ordinary guy over there.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They come here and suddenly they're a seahorse.

[Valerie]

It's love, actually. He's like, they'll love me with my cute British accent.

[Pete Holmes]

But you don't have a cute British accent. Yes, I do. He's right, and he's right and he's right. And that guy is perfectly cast. I don't. I'm not saying he's ugly. I'M saying he's handsome.

[Valerie]

See how there's.

[Pete Holmes]

In that Benny Blanco way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where he's so.

[Valerie]

The pictures are so big. Yeah. Yeah. He's so ugly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like he. He's so unattractive. He becomes attractive. That's what Betty Blanche Franco says.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. I know. That person is totally perfectly cast. And when.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, I do.

[Valerie]

When I lived in a small town, especially before I knew any British people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

If a British guy came to town, there's no. It wouldn't matter in the least what he looked like. It wouldn't matter what he said.

[Pete Holmes]

But then if you look like Colin Farrell.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean, forget it.

[Pete Holmes]

Forget it.

[Valerie]

I'm in trouble and I can't. I can't untangle that.

[Pete Holmes]

You shouldn't. It's one of life's joys.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

That somebody British is out there and could possibly.

[Valerie]

One day.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go. I. I've never. Irish girls. Women as well.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because there's something just so, like, Irish is for boys.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Irish accent is for boys. And then there's girls that are like twinks. And you're like. You know what I mean? Like how dogs are boys.

[Valerie]

Huh? And cats are girls.

[Pete Holmes]

Irish is boys 100. And English is girls. And that's why it's funny that boys in England.

[Valerie]

Are you saying you like Irish accents in women? Yeah, because.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's something kind of tough about it.

[Valerie]

There is something tough about it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like when we watched Bad Sisters slag off. You know that. That's an English. But. You know what I mean? Like. You know what I mean? Fair play to you. I can't do Irish today.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where is it? Where's Irish?

[Valerie]

Sharon Horgan.

[Pete Holmes]

Sharon Horgan's gonna come over.

[Valerie]

Becca.

[Pete Holmes]

Becca.

[Valerie]

You got off, Becca.

[Pete Holmes]

Off, Becca.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I love it. I do love it, too.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're tough. And they are. And they all have dads. They're girls with dads.

[Valerie]

Yeah. They're close with their dad.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? They're like close dad girls.

[Valerie]

The opposite of daddy issues.

[Pete Holmes]

They have, like. Yes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're. And they're. They're just fine with their mums.

[Valerie]

Yeah. They're just fine. We fight, but we're close.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, they fight, but they're close.

[Valerie]

I really get on with my mom. But we're very close.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Guys, watch Bad Sisters. If you haven't. It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Sharon Horgan, man.

[Valerie]

I love her.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. She's great.

[Valerie]

Everybody loves her.

[Pete Holmes]

And what's Fun is she's sort of just under the radar enough that you feel cool for liking her.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, she's not. I. I don't know. What am I saying?

[Valerie]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

But also in the same way that, like, DTF St. Louis, you feel cool, you, like, you know, not everybody's watching DTF St. Louis.

[Valerie]

You guys should definitely watch that, too. It's so much about platonic male intimacy, which we talk about on this podcast all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

It's a very sweet. I. Did I tell you that I listened or I saw, like, a headline that said. I think I posted it that said it was like, DTF St. Louis is almost a science fiction story about two men who would live in. Who live in a world where the concept of no homo never existed.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that. It's so good and it's true. I mean, the concept of that show, I don't want to ruin any. There's no spoilers here. Spoiler free. But they talk about, like, how good it would feel if someone got an erection for you. They're not gay, but they're like, imagine it's so honest, like, nine or two, and.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just like. It's funny. Why does this work? And it's like, we just do want to be wanted.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we just want.

[Pete Holmes]

And an erection is sexual, obviously, but we're just like. We just want to be desired and celebrated, and men want to be celebrated and desired by other men.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh. The feeling. It's so beautiful. Because I have had this so many times for my girlfriends. Like, Lisa is staying with us, and she's my best friend, and there.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I talk to you?

[Valerie]

I know there are times, like, there have been times where somebody that, you know, there's like, an unrequited crush or something, and. And your best friend is just like, you're insane.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like. Like, you're so. Anybody who doesn't want to just, like, completely blow up their whole life for you is absolutely insane.

[Pete Holmes]

Which, by the way, is the kind of fawning and. And sycophantic stuff that ChatGPT does but doesn't work. You need a person that goes, like, they're wrong. You are amazing. It's what we do with each other.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You mentioned Rick Glassman's On My Mind. When Rick comes on the podcast, I'm just like, how are you doing this? You're so amazing. That matters.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's getting full on.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Getting somebody just getting full on.

[Valerie]

I just think I could get full on. I love.

[Pete Holmes]

We just want full on. We want. We want to want stuff. We want to be wanted.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, no notes on that show. I have. I actually have a couple notes. But, like, I really love it.

[Valerie]

I really love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I really love it. And, you know, giving my tirade, I have been more forays into male friendship and trying to, you know, Ricky, who comes and shoots my shows, he and I are getting closer. And I really love that that is a work relationship. But I gave myself some slack. I was like, buddy, get it wherever you can.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to draw lines and go like, yeah, but we're working together. We're texting each other about my next special. And it feels like two kids with GI Joes.

[Valerie]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, are GI Joes. Work is. What is stand up comedy work? Like, let's just build something together. And then I have had some more mandates and. And it's been fun. And you know what I decided today? I was like, we were going to play cards, me and my new friend, and I was like, I think I should suggest that we do a game night instead of cards. Cards is still. I'm gonna kill you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I like playing cards.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause I like, you know, some classic guy stuff. I like winning and humiliating and destroying, exploding, jizzing, all this stuff. But, like, I think what I'm trying to massage into my heart is a little bit of like, what if we just laughed? What if we were just laughing and you win, you lose, but it's not so, like, like hold'. Em. You know, Texas hold' em is like dueling.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, who out drew who? Who died? There's a lot of, like, silence. Like, someone really loses a big pot. There's a lot of, like, no one makes eye contact with them for a minute.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what makes it so masculine. It's like a lot of fucking. Oh, right. You know what it is? All right. Take out your dick. That's what flipping the cards over is. We have a secret. Two cards down. That's your dick.

[Valerie]

You're hiding your dick in your pants.

[Pete Holmes]

And you go, I have big dick.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they go, my dick's fucking bigger. I'm not even trying to be funny.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what it is. And then they go, all right, let's see it. My dick's bigger.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, and then the vibe, when you beat a guy and really had him on the hook, like, really had him believing that his dick was bigger, and then your dick was bigger. It's exactly the same as if you took your dick out in a setting where dicks could be out.

[Valerie]

That's so interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

And a game night is so much more like, I'm spraying you with a hose. Or we're like going down a slip and slide, but I don't like it. It's fucking a little too weak week. I'm joking, but I'm trying to get reconcile with what I think of as weakness and be like, no, that's beautiful. That's ctf.

[Valerie]

Yes. Have that in your friendships. Specifically, I have a thing you can relate to.

[Pete Holmes]

Showcase Showdown. Yeah. Couldn't we just.

[Valerie]

Can we relate in a different way?

[Pete Holmes]

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[Valerie]

Speaking of all of that. It goes back to the very sexual thing I was going to say at the beginning of this podcast, but I just had this realization. Lisa and I were just talking about this, where it's like, this is. I. I guess it's just so personal, but it's so interesting to me is that I'm like. When I am incredibly aroused, the feeling I have is like. Like, get inside me. That is the feeling that, like, I. The person and I have this opening feeling that it goes back to opening like a flower. It's like the feeling is, like, open. And I want a hundred percent of you in my body.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

Like. Like, I want you to whomp. I want closer than close, and I want open.

[Pete Holmes]

You want your boundaries dissolved. You want to be one thing.

[Valerie]

Yes. But my question to you is, do you have that feeling, or do you have, like, when I'm aroused, I want to be.

[Pete Holmes]

If I'm being. Yes.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is, like, it sounds really obvious, but I'm not talking about, like, a dick in a vagina.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I. I don't think anybody did.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Thought that we're talking about what. This is what Rupert Spirer says. A love relationship isn't a relationship. It's the collapse of relationship. It's the erasing of the idea of you and me. And it's just. Just the standing naked as the only thing there is, which is love.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I can get into that.

[Valerie]

It is that, but specifically in the direction of. You're coming to me and I'm opening and receiving you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Again, not even just, like, vaginally, like, in this very big way. I'm like, the. The feeling of me being around.

[Pete Holmes]

You're grokking the person. You're. You're incorporating them into you, so much so that you're, like, almost digesting them, and they become your cells. That's what grokking means. Means. That's the 60s word, grokking. Like, I meant deep understanding in the way that if an idea is a soup, to grok, it is to eat it, digest it, and have it become your body.

[Valerie]

That is a deep understanding feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

So you want to grok.

[Valerie]

I want to grok.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to grok your body.

[Valerie]

Please stay so you have the feeling when you're aroused of, like, I want to, like, go forward, not receive, but, like, like, you know, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm not ashamed of this. I. I feel. I. We have.

[Valerie]

You should be.

[Pete Holmes]

We have. I know, but it's not as lovely I suppose.

[Valerie]

No, no, no, no. I, this is what I'm saying. This is the point I'm trying to make.

[Pete Holmes]

There, there's, this is why I think guys make maybe not just guys, but people.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's like real love making and that's very gooey and, you know, like, you know, mergy. And then a lot of times is, I'm trying to think of how to say this, but, like, what's sexy is like. Yeah. I don't know. I, I don't know how to talk about this.

[Valerie]

Okay, okay, okay. It's too much.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not, it's not like I'm letting you. It's. It's. I'm going into you.

[Valerie]

Yes, I. And I don't think that, I don't think you should be ashamed. If we both were having the feeling of like, let me open and receive, it wouldn't work.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. We've had that too. But, like, it's usually really. We've had those moments and they're like being on mushrooms or something where you're like, making love and like, you are one thing. It's like, it's like when you mix your fingers up and you twist your fingers and you don't know which one is which.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But I, I, to me, it's not mutually exclusive. It's not like if you are wanting to literally, like, penetrate. Sorry, penetrate. Penetrate.

[Pete Holmes]

She walked in and said, I'm in the mood for a penetration.

[Valerie]

That doesn't mean that you don't want to merge. That's just how you want to merge.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know, but there is, I don't know, this is very, maybe gender normative. I'm just speaking for me.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I don't think it has to be gender, I'm saying. I guess that's what I'm saying is I. Gender aside, even sexual orientation aside, I wonder if there is, like, there are these different ways to experience arousal. And I'm sure there are people I know they are. There are. That are like, yes, sometimes I am aroused and I'm feeling that, like, receptive feeling. And sometimes I'm aroused and I'm feeling the more. I wish there was a better word than like, penetrative feeling, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think I, I think I found a more gentle way to express this and maybe a more honest way to express it is like, I really feel like I'm being accepted.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you want to be accepted.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're saying you want to accept.

[Valerie]

I want to accept. So it's it's worth. It's perfect. There's one that's better than the other.

[Pete Holmes]

Really. I was skirting around, like, is it some sort of domination or whatever? But it's really, like, I'm feeling, like, allowed and chosen and celebrated. And that's a little embarrassing to admit, but you're just like, of course, flattery alert. But, like, this beautiful woman. I can't believe it. There's more of that. But this is like working with Ricky. I know, that's kind of funny. So Ricky and I are working together, but, like, that's our excuse to merge. And you and I, we do this, and maybe I'm being like, I'm being accepted, and Ricky, in a sense, is accepting the product. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to be funny or weird. I'm just saying, like, get it however you can. If I say, start having sex with you, and it's because I'm like, oh, my God, she's allowing me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then at the end, or in the middle, towards the end, whatever, I vanish. Like, take love and merging how, however you can. Like, if you kind of have to get the, get the vulnerability involved or whatever it is, the, the honest. You know what I'm trying to say?

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, if it all leads to the same place.

[Valerie]

I agree. I, I honestly, it's so interesting to me that you would have any. It seems. And maybe I'm getting it wrong, like, any shame or judgment on one experience of arousal being better or worse than the other.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, sex for men, it can feel so aggressive. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah, but I think that's what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was one of the first things my dad said to me, by the way. Well, that was our sex talk. He was just like, I, I. And again, he was, he was trying. I understand what he was trying to say. He was like, it feels, I think he said it, like, it can feel aggressive, like, and feel like you're. Wow. Like, that's it can. You know, and this is why sex is so complicated and so strange. It can be aggressive. You know what I mean? We all know that. It can go way over a line to me. But, like, there's, like, you have to cut. I don't know it.

[Valerie]

To me, it's only aggressive if it's not. If it's not met with that aroused, allowing feeling that your partner is having.

[Pete Holmes]

I know that could have been part of it.

[Valerie]

It's. Yeah, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

But that would have been my dad would have been 50 years ahead of his time. If he. If he said that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. There is this very, like.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. By the way. Sorry. I want to take that. I'm not. I'm not saying edit it out, but I'm taking that back. I don't have any.

[Valerie]

Well, it does make sense to me that if your dad said that I think it's related that you are having this tripped up, like, kind of like. Like guilt about wanting to.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't. You know, in our relationship. I don't. And that's one of the great things about.

[Valerie]

Well, yeah. 100%. And. And I think it should be because you are welcomed here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

You're. And like. And you're welcome here because you're not aggressive, you know, Unless I want you to.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Okay. Okay. Okay. Now we're getting to.

[Pete Holmes]

You're making me blush.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. I. It's.

[Valerie]

It just was so interesting to me when I kind of had this feeling of, like. Right. People experience arousal differently. And the ideas to find partners who like their. And I do mean partners.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Who, like, experience it in complementary ways.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Gender aside. Sexual orientation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It doesn't matter. I do. And we can even say gender aside on this. One of the things that's at play is that. I'm sorry. So much bigger than you. Even an alien that doesn't even have a body is just a floating. Let's say a membrane of consciousness. Saw this. It would be like, oh, wow. That big thing is really having its way with that little thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but that's part of the attraction.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. No, I know. And it is for me.

[Valerie]

Swimming in the ocean.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I think. That's what we're trying to get at with aggressive. It's like we're trying to name. Respectfully. Okay. This is a physical act.

[Valerie]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's a lot of the same stuff as, like, you know, like, wrestling. Well, that's what you say if your kid walks in on you. You say, mommy and daddy were wrestling.

[Valerie]

Oh, boy.

[Pete Holmes]

Which hasn't happened to us. Which I'm.

[Valerie]

And I. We wouldn't say that, I don't think.

[Pete Holmes]

But that would. That's the joke. Because it's very. That's the clo. And we're back to ac. Slater.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to wrestling.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're back to the bento box. We're going. Like. I can. My mind can be sophisticated enough to acknowledge that. Dynamic and lean into it for our. For. To make it fun. Yeah, but you're also like. That's why they're. They're. It's hard for me to be like. Yeah, I feel like it's. It's hot that it's happening. Like, I can't believe it's going on. Like, it's not so forgive, but feminine and like. Like merge. It's not a candle. It's like it can feel like swinging from a rope onto a pirate ship with a sword. And you're like, not in a. I shouldn't have said pirates. They were famously not great.

[Valerie]

Oh, boy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying it can feel like a. Like a consensual conquest, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

And I would imagine as a pretty lady, you. It must be wonderful. This guy's fucking storming the castle. And reverent and gentle and checking in. But like, that's what I'm talking. There is a. I'm storming the castle. Like, you look like a pile of gold and jewels to me. I'm like a. I don't want to say like a dog, but it's like a dog in a room full of cupcakes. And you have to be like, easy. You know what I mean? Like, don't. Yeah. Don't rip the wrappers. You know what I mean? It's like. And I. I know with you that works.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And all of these things, as demonstrated by this conversation, we talk about all of it. And the. And in. In the boudoir, there's a lot of, like, we don't have to do it anymore, but like. Because we know each other. But there's always been a lot of like, are you okay? Is this okay? Or like.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't buy the conceit that that's not sexy. I think that's incredibly sexy. Check in.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's what Keanu would do.

[Valerie]

It's what Keanu would do.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that okay?

[Valerie]

Is that okay?

[Pete Holmes]

Is that okay?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Reeves.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I. You know how. Okay. This is the feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

May I have an excellent adventure? This episode is falling in on itself in a beautiful way.

[Valerie]

Gorgeous.

[Pete Holmes]

All the parts.

[Valerie]

I don't have very many points. This is just the last thing that I was realizing. Like, the way that I'm just so interested in learning about my own. Yeah. My. This. I guess my own sexuality. But like the way that I love that we have a 120 pound dog that when he's playing with another small dog. I see him being gentle and making the choice to be softer and play different than he would with the big dog. That's how I feel about having sex with you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I love that.

[Valerie]

I find it so endearing.

[Pete Holmes]

Louis CK has that great bit. Complications noted. If I don't even. I don't know where we are with that complicated person.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But he has a great bit where he goes, I want a big old boyfriend.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Big old boy. And he looks up. There's a guy that's, like 8ft tall. And I was like, yeah, we can all understand that. Like, the idea of, like, Dave Bautista being very gentle, that is eroticism. And by the way, it's funny that I was even embarrassed to talk about this. Cause it's everywhere. It's the werewolf. It's Twilight. It's. He could kill me.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We're naming it constantly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Louis has another great bit where he's like, the most dangerous thing to women is men, and they have to. And, like, they go out on dates with them, and that's absurd.

[Valerie]

And this is why. So I was talking to a friend because we. It was my acting teacher, actually. In my acting class. There was a woman that was doing something, and. And she was like, oh. She was trying to move a table, and the acting teacher asked the one guy in the class ass. To move the table for her. And I got up to try to help, and she was like, don't do that. Let him do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And we were laughing. We were riffing about it. We were like. She was like, I. Look, I'm a feminist, but, like, this is where I'm not. It's like, I can move that table, but I don't deserve to.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I feel about sewing my pants.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

Well. But I do feel. And I was like, yeah, honestly, it's the least they could do. And there is this element of, like. Like, we know you could murder us, and we still let you inside our bodies. So, like, just open the door. I don't. I honestly. I know this is problematic, and there are a lot of people who disagree. I do have this feeling where I'm like, yeah, there should be a reverence for us. We're fucking brave.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're. I know, I know. I know. I. I tried to do a joke for a long time, and I understand this is problematic as well, or. Or potentially problematic, but, like, men open doors for women to tell them, I got you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're A stranger, not a sign

[Valerie]

that's gonna kill you.

[Pete Holmes]

But I got you. And that's what's not being mentioned. Look, this isn't Barnard. This isn't a gender studies class. I'm not an authority on this. I'm just saying, when I open a door for a strange woman. And by the way, serial killers and horrible people open doors for women, too. But the idea about it is if. Look, I'm here to say I'm a Tom Hanks.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I'm a Tom Hanks.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a Tom Hanks.

[Valerie]

I'm a Keanu.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a Keanu. And that. That's a little packed. And if I'm being completely honest and petty, that's where the. Like, the smile or. Look, I know it sounds like I'm a construction. Where. Like, where's the smile, hon? I'm just saying we don't have to do it. We can scrap all of this. I'm just saying what it was, was there's a little dance to it. Door, smile, or thank you or something. It's just a connection. It's not about you gratifying my ego and saying, thank you. Good man. It's just like a little sonar ping. I sonar ping you. You sonar ping me. We acknowledge each other.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every human likes acknowledgement. And then I'm saying, like, if someone snatches your purse, I'll run after them or whatever it is. And I'm not even saying that's true, because that guy probably has a knife.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. No, don't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'll come and comfort you.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. And this doesn't have to be specifically, like, men opening doors for women.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. I'm with it. I'm the one that started risingly with it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm open to notes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm open to it. But I do want us to know. I really sorry to stick the landing here. The unspoken reality is, by and large, just in the aggregate, men are bigger. That's it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or let's say more aggressive. And if it's Ronda Rousey, she could hold the door for me, and I'll be like, thank you. If someone snatches my fanny pack. It's good to know Ronda Rousey is here, but in. In. You know, so I get it. And, no, I don't have to say this. I have a huge heart for transgender and gender. All of it. I. I'm here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There is just something that. The. The kernel of it is beautiful, which is human. Beings looking out for each other a hundred percent.

[Valerie]

And I. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't feel this confident about what we're talking about, but I just feel like the point is, is that we're not saying we know anything. We're just.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just trying to figure it out.

[Valerie]

Explaining our experiences and our biases and our. We're just like. Like time.

[Pete Holmes]

But I open the door for you is a one on the scale. And then on that same scale as I open the door for you, you smile at me. Now you buy me a drink. And now I. I expect you to, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Flirt with me. And I. And now you feel uncomfortable. It's on the same scale.

[Valerie]

It's on the same scale.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I know. We. It up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it was.

[Valerie]

Took it too far.

[Pete Holmes]

It was taken. And power is always taken too far. And we. We want to get nuanced enough where we can, you know, be. What's the. Be selfless. It's tricky.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You make a software. Like, let's tell people that we're looking out for them. Like, giving your seat to a pregnant woman on a subway is like, kind of one of the last ones.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That we all agree on.

[Valerie]

Totally. And I loved it. And this is.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it too.

[Valerie]

It's a similar feeling. Like. And it's kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

When you were pregnant, someone didn't do it.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was me sitting. Sorry, babe.

[Valerie]

But that's where this shift happened for me. And again, I. I'm saying I don't know this for sure. I don't know. I. Obviously maybe it's problematic, but when I was pregnant and I was in New York and people were giving up their seats for me every time I was on the subway, the feeling was like. Like, I appre. And of course, I said, thank you. And, you know, it's like, I appreciate this. And also. You're goddamn right I'm gonna get that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[Valerie]

I'm making a life in my body.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone on this train came from that horrible process. One of the worst things I've ever been next to. I don't mean just you giving birth. I mean the whole time.

[Valerie]

The whole pregnancy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the whole time.

[Valerie]

And I still kind of have that now. It shifted when I became pregnant, but. Yeah, like, I have that when I just. About being a woman in the world where there is a little bit of, like, a man opens the door and I feel like a. You're goddamn right. I am a woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's right in this world.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You gotta open the door for me. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not. I think we're just representing some thoughts and we could talk out of the other side of our face. And I think we're doing an okay job trying to represent how that's problematic. That, oh, women are dainty and have baby. You know, like, people would have issue with that. You know, like. And I understand, but it wouldn't even.

[Valerie]

It's not even dainty. I'm saying the opposite of that. Like, there is, like, a salute.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why I. I was gonna go, like. That's why, like, you give Nefertiti jewels and they're the queen and.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You cover them in silk. It's like comfort and elegance and worship.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's life. It's like life itself.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And like. And men have their wars and their spears and their. Their Olympic Games because we're just after. We. We have nothing to do except kill each other. Like, that's. That's the only place to put our testosterone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So this is where like, like putting a. Like. I like. I like. We are basic. I like get. I've come to the place. It's not expensive jewelry, but I like getting you jewelry. I think.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We think it's new for our relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

Pretty.

[Valerie]

It's pretty. And I love wearing. And I still have. Like, I was. We just went to a pizza place in Bakersfield that was by my old house. And when I was a kid, I was saying I remembered being. Having a birthday party at that same pizza place when I was 10 years old, where Alan Renick. First name, last name, real name was my boyfriend, my fourth grade boyfriend, and got me a flower necklace. And I still have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

Because it was the first time a boy got me any kind of gift.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And it just.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, isn't that what we're saying? When a guy gives flowers, it's a precursor to giving his penis. And she receives the flowers. It's just the tiniest little. Can I give you something?

[Valerie]

There's also, like, this exchange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll make it as beautiful as I can.

[Valerie]

And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what flowers is.

[Valerie]

And it isn't where you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not just what flowers.

[Valerie]

You're right. Where it went wrong was like, now you owe me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Because it really.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you need the bento. Box.

[Valerie]

It really is this thing of like, you never owe it to me. And I'm. And I'm also going to try to like make you feel safe enough to open up.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

That's the feeling. It's not like an exchange, a tit for tat situation. Tit.

[Pete Holmes]

That's, that's why again, it is one of those things that feels very New York to me, like coming to somebody's aid and stuff. But part of that. I don't know where I'm basing this fantasy on, but like, part of that is like, and then she goes home.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You could risk your life, get your shirt ripped and maybe you're even hurt. Maybe you never see that person again. You did the right thing. And boy, I know we're just in the cranberry bog of like, like that's what men do.

[Valerie]

But like, well, here's this will change it and we can be done with

[Pete Holmes]

this because I know a lot of women that would do this. Lisa Gunger is here. She's so woman. She saw someone drunk driving to a extent where it was incredibly unsafe. She ran up to the window and banged on it and was like yelling at the guy and going, fuck you. Like, like. So it is not about penises and vaginas. It's, it's, it's.

[Valerie]

It's a different.

[Pete Holmes]

It goes back to what we were saying about love. It's like, take it wherever you can. If it's in some bullshit echo of old timeiness, I, I want help, I want safety, I want love, I want connection. Kind of. Even if it's a little bit flawed.

[Valerie]

But that's the thing. Is it? Again, it only is problematic if it is not if it's being pushed on somebody. If you have a partner who you're like, look, for whatever reason and, and most likely the reasons are some sort of shadowy reason or a societal construct reason, but for whatever reason, this is what works for me in relationship. This is how I find connection. And then that is compatible with how that person finds connection. It. It doesn't really matter what the source is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You guys are compatible. And finding connection in a way that works for both of you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know what I mean? Like it's. It's only problematic if it is not compatible.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

And going back to the taking the gender normative out of is both. It is like sex is two people. Or I guess it's not always, but it, it can be two people making the other person feel safe enough. Enough to have to. And to be in their bodies enough to have, like, a physiological reaction.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So it's like the times where it's. Well, I won't. Whatever. It's like a man losing his boner and the woman being like, that's okay. Making them safe enough to get it back.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been very public about that.

[Valerie]

Okay. Like, hypothetically, a man.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I'm so happy to say doesn't really happen.

[Valerie]

No high five. But also, it's okay to tie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, I know. I have a line in my act right now where I go, boner is a flagpole you can fly the flag of trust on. I go, val can get it because she's a safe person. But that's me. Maybe not everybody's that way. Maybe I have a pretty good bento box. And it's hard for me to, like, you know, blend everything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, it's in one of the Batman sketches. Batman goes, sometimes the sexiest thing a woman can do is forgive. And that. That's based on something that I had never experienced with anyone else, which was like, that losing a boner and you being, like, so okay with it. That. That was arousing to me. I was like, this person is really. Because I got in that trap of thinking of sex as a performance.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, I'm here to be Cirque du Soled.

[Valerie]

And that is not. It's not. It's not fun to be. If it's a performance, then I'm the audience. And that's not fun.

[Pete Holmes]

No. I know. It stinks.

[Valerie]

So it is. It's like. It's way better if there's a opening that can do.

[Pete Holmes]

That's directly tied to not losing Boner anymore is because you're like, oh, I'm in this. Like, it's like therapy. We're in a safe space. And here you don't have to, like. I just thought everybody goes back to my childhood was looking for me to show up. Up in some way. Some version of me. Which is why show business suits me. Oh, I have a show at 8 o'. Clock. I'll be this version of me at that time. But, like, it took a while for me to go like. And Val isn't like that. I don't have to, like, get in character.

[Valerie]

No. Before I come in. Prefer that you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course. And you would know if I was.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And, you know, we're just talking about love. We're talking. We're talking about that big yes to somebody. And. And Ideally, it's. It's natural and it's both.

[Valerie]

It's. It's actually the same thing for both. For both people in a couple is like. It's just safety. It's like making you feel safe enough to open and blossom.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's flowers.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why flowers? Why does a guy give a girl flowers? It's this open. It's like literally, boys are bees and girls are flowers. This is real. You know. You know what it is? Yes, but I'm just saying, like in this classic trad. Classic. You know what I mean? I don't know how to talk about it with respect to all the different types of people. And I'm trying to have that.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's saying in this one way. Yes, I see that a guy is going, look like it's dainty. To pick flowers, you have to be tender with them. You have to water them and care for them. And you present like, look, I was careful with a delicate thing.

[Valerie]

Yes, There you go.

[Pete Holmes]

And then she goes, oh, let me put these in some water. I'll show you that I can take care of delicate things, which is our babies. I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say boners.

[Pete Holmes]

Also your boner. I'm safe.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, I'm safe. Everybody's just going, I'm safe.

[Valerie]

Are you safe? Are you saying I'm safe? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And men like losing a boner. I mean, what a nightmare.

[Valerie]

But see, that's the thing. I think it shouldn't be. I think I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm in a very healthy relations relationship when you're just out there.

[Valerie]

I understand. I just really think both, again, in a hetero situation, both people would benefit greatly. If we normalize boners coming and going during an entire sexual experience. If we d. Mystify or whatever, if we take away the narrative of like, there is a gradual pursuit. Like, what is the launch sequence? Yes. There's like this linear story that's told where it's like you. The boner comes and then it. It reaches this pinnacle and then it's over.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like, that's not serving anyone.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Also the, like, you have to keep the boner the entire time, otherwise you should be embarrassed. Is what, how we get in this. This, like, old school situation of like. Well, women just want foreplay and men don't like foreplay. It's like they're afraid they're gonna lose their boner.

[Pete Holmes]

You learn this from me.

[Valerie]

Let them be okay to lose their boner.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I used to Say the guest of honor is here. It's not that I don't like foreplay. It's that I'm worried he's gonna leave.

[Valerie]

And it's like, okay, maybe he leaves. I bet he'll come back. We could. We can do this.

[Pete Holmes]

What we're talking about is presence and immediacy and honesty and nakedness. Not just physical nakedness, but like. Like, just, like, real naked vulnerability.

[Valerie]

Yes, I.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm fully on board for that. It. It also just takes it. Really. That's a special thing for. For a couple to go. Like, let's try to foster that kind of environment.

[Valerie]

Well, I just. It's one of the ways that I think men have just been. It's. It's a disservice to men to be like, this is a narrative and exactly how it should go. And it is a performance, and you either did it well or you didn't. And it's like. Like, this is the most nebulous thing is connection and love and sex and, like, it's like, there is no way that it should go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You know, it's like, except for that, both parties are happy with how it's going.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

So normalize losing boners, and you'll get a little more foreplay in your lives, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We did it. We really did it.

[Pete Holmes]

It. We did. Sorry to yawn.

[Valerie]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I have more. More thoughts about it, but we'll do it another time.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Okay, guys, that was an extra crispy episode for you, and so why don't you just go ahead and maintain it? Yeah, Keep it crisp. We.