We Made It Weird #251

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: "We Made It Weird #251"

Date: May 15, 2026

Host: Pete Holmes

Co-host: Valerie

Podcast Link

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Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie settle in for one of their signature "We Made It Weird" Friday catch-up conversations. Less focused on deep non-dualism or spirituality, the duo keep things light, funny, and deeply relatable, riffing on marriage dynamics, nostalgia, childhood embarrassments, modern parenting, and the weirdness of everyday adult life. The back half highlights Pete’s recent experience hosting a "Mormon SNL" (Studio C), tales of friend-making in adulthood, and comedic reflections on relationships, food habits, and creative fear.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Mood: Let’s Just Have Fun

• Valerie explicitly sets the episode’s intent: “I just want to have fun.” [04:03]
• Pete jokes: “You don’t want to be deep.” Both agree on a lighter mood, emphasizing playful banter and nostalgia over philosophical musings.
• The episode veers from structured segments—“I’m not going to break it down by chapters”—to organic, evolving conversation. [00:53]

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2. Aging, Attachment, and Relationship Comedy

• The couple riffs on Pete’s “old man” tendencies, life expectancy math, and wanting to die together. [07:01]
• On monogamy and attachment:
  • Pete: “Sex makes you fall in love with people...you just physiologically bond.” [08:01]
  • Valerie: “It does make everything complicated, at the very least.” [08:45]
• Valerie: “I like to be nice to you. I like you. I told you right before we started recording that I was laying in bed doing the math of how long I thought you could live so that I can die with you.” [07:01]

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3. Crushes, Celebrity Admiration & Relationship Transparency

• Valerie’s open “crushes” on Brett Goldstein and Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson arise, prompting Pete’s faux-jealousy and playful self-deprecation.
• Pete: “If I was listening to Brett’s podcast and he’s like, ‘You know who’s a piece of ass? Pete Holmes.’ The only reason I listen to Brett’s podcast is to just see if he says that about me.” [12:18]
• They discuss the importance of airing crushes to keep relationships healthy, rather than nurturing “secret crushes.” [10:55]
• Valerie: “I think a secret crush is dangerous. I think a public crush is…” [10:55]

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4. Making Friends as an Adult & Comedian

• Pete describes his quest for genuine, intimate friendships, not just “bit dinners.”
• “Trying to have a guy friend...Pete Holmes needs a friend (for real). And the worst part is I don’t think I need a friend, so it’s dangerous.” [13:50]
• Struggles with scheduling hangs (“first week of June—in three weeks!”), and the “midlife” difficulty of making adult friends [39:00].
• Valerie’s perspective: “This is what being a friend is.” [39:02]
• Pete: “There’s one kind of folder that you open and there’s just dust in it: my friendship.” [40:20]

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5. ‘90s Childhood, Embarrassment, and Acne Products

• Extended riff on ‘90s shame: dandruff, acne, cashew-counting diets, and chemical face washes (Noxzema).
  • “Dandruff nerds,” “I didn’t have a glass of water till like 1999.” [16:14]
• Memory lane detour to acne devices, emotional investments in unscientific cures, and the hopefulness of infomercial promises. [20:21]
  • “The best part was laying in bed being, like, ‘We’ll see who’s laughing when I’m ionizing.’” [20:50]
• Pete’s observation: “We never had dandruff...Dandruff is for nerds. Okay, I’m kidding. That was a funny take.” [15:24]

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6. Tech as Modern Nemesis: Parenting and the App Trap

• Rant on exploitative mobile apps targeting kids (Holes IO, etc.), their insidious ad models, and lack of oversight.
• Pete: “It’s actually insidious. And fuck you, Holes IO. Fuck you. I would say to the good-natured dork who sold his soul...who signed the deal that made his good game just a casino of sales.” [23:56]
• Worries over children’s screen engagement and the struggle to differentiate between screen types (passive vs. active, TV/movies vs. games). [36:14]
• Valerie: “I think...for kids, it’s like [the app] knows it can get kids to buy all this shit and download more fucking spyware, spamware, all this shit on your phone, clogging it up and they don’t know any better.” [25:18]

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7. Toy Story, Parenting, and the New Digital Anxiety

• Anticipation (and anxiety) about the new Toy Story’s ‘tablet as villain’ storyline, and how it might resonate with their daughter’s attachment to toys and tech. [34:44]
• Real-life parenting moment: giving their dog a plush toy, triggering their child’s compassion (and tears) for the inanimate giraffe. [34:13]
• Pete as “party pooper” on screen shaming: “What are we doing? This is like, I did that interview for Wired...couldn’t wait to tell somebody my lowest screen time.” [36:07]

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8. Male/Female Friendship, Sexual Tension, & Boundaries

• Reflections on why Pete doesn’t have close female friends, and the boundary between attachment and cheating in friendships across genders.
  • “One of the ways that I’m very old school is...sex makes you fall in love.” [08:01]
  • “There’s a slice of cake so delicious that people don’t see their kids anymore.” [52:13]
• Valerie: “Can’t you get both in the position of, like, that is absurd, that just that one thing could ruin lives? And also...yes, it does.” [52:10]
• Pete: “Having a penis is weird. It’s weird being attached to something that can get you arrested.” [53:35]

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9. Food, Indulgence & The Eight Cashews Paradox

• Comedy on restraint vs. indulgence. Pete cannot abide restraint exemplified by Larry David; instead, he’s about "fucking up pizzas."
  • Pete: “I like that I’m the kind of person that will fuck up pizzas like Maddie J.” [60:21]
  • “An indulging snack for him is eight cashews. And I’m like, yeah, you’ll extend your life, and for what?” [62:03]
• Valerie describes her “food affair” of savoring, not devouring, snacks, and how this dynamic plays off Pete’s all-or-nothing attitude. [66:45]

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10. Creativity & Embracing Fear (“Mormon SNL / Studio C”)

• Pete’s experience guest-hosting Studio C: community-family-friendly “SNL,” a.k.a., “Latter Day Night Live.”
• The anxiety of carrying a “heavy lift” sketch, and how bets are placed on the performer.
  • Pete (on experimenting with his character): “If you do that big of a voice, the audience unconsciously knows you’re stuck in that character. And they unconsciously want to watch you fail.” [75:14]
  • “Have I shocked you?” became his comedic anchor—the desperate absurdity of a billionaire character.
• The lesson: “There is no feeling like this without the fear...a whole tier of good feeling is only unlocked when you go, ‘I think this is gonna tank.’ And you go out and you...turn and you go, ‘Shasta.’” [78:34]

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11. On Parenting a Theater Kid & The Joy of “Finding Your Thing”

• Their daughter Leela’s debut in “101 Dalmatians” leads to discussion of channeling nerves/fear into excitement and growth. [79:57]
  • Valerie: “Everything worth doing is scary.” [80:01]
  • Pete: “The fear is part of the fun.” [80:10]
• Reflection on creative success, fulfillment, and whose standard of victory matters more—the process (Martin Short) or the result (Matt Johnson)? [83:41]
  • Valerie: “If you’ve done something and it showed footage of Captain Ron, he’s like, that was a blast to do, and it doesn’t do well; that’s your success, because this is your life.” [83:29]

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Being interested in non-duality is like being a NASCAR fan in Manhattan.” – Pete [05:52]
• “Trying to have a guy friend...Pete Holmes needs a friend (for real). And the worst part is I don’t think I need a friend, so it’s dangerous.” – Pete [13:50]
• “Dandruff is for nerds. Okay, I’m kidding. That was a funny take.” – Pete [15:24]
• “It is insidious. And fuck you, Holes IO. Fuck you.” – Pete [23:56]
• “There’s a slice of cake so delicious that people don’t see their kids anymore.” – Pete [52:13]
• “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.” – Pete [68:44]
• “Everything worth doing is scary.” – Valerie [80:01]
• “The fear is part of the fun.” – Pete [80:10]
• “I like that I’m the kind of person that will fuck up pizzas like Maddie J.” – Pete [60:21]
• “Have I shocked you?” – Pete (as Studio C character) [77:36]

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Key Moments & Timestamps

• [04:03] Valerie: “I just want to have fun.”
• [13:50] Pete: “Trying to have a guy friend...for real.”
• [23:56] Pete’s epic rant about exploitative kids’ apps.
• [34:44] Discussion about Toy Story’s ‘tablet villain’ and kids’ “stuffed animal empathy.”
• [43:10] Nick Swartzen’s dark “comic on the road” joke, comedian gallows humor.
• [52:13] “Slice of cake so delicious...” (adultery analogy)
• [68:44] “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.” (creative decision-making)
• [72:00 onward] Pete’s Mormon-SNL/Studio C hosting, handling performance anxiety.
• [80:01] Valerie: “Everything worth doing is scary.”
• [80:10] Pete: “The fear is part of the fun.”
• [83:41] Martin Short’s advice vs. Matt Johnson’s creative philosophy.

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Tone, Style, and Dynamics

• Warm, honest, and self-deprecating: Pete and Valerie’s rapport makes awkward truths and nostalgic self-owns not just palatable but delightful.
• Comedic Nerdery: Discussion of bits, standup inside jokes, and their favorite comedians is wondrously meta and infectious.
• Intimate, real-life stakes: The pair balances absurdity with authentic slices of marriage, parenthood, and imperfect self-awareness.
• Pop culture savvy: From Toy Story to acne infomercials to the creative process behind comedy sketches.
• Frequent, affectionate digressions: The joy is in the journey, not the destination.

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For Listeners: Why This Episode Stands Out

This episode is a rich window into the Holmes household: equal parts weird, warm, and wise. With a deliberate focus on fun and relatable, honest talk about relationships, parenting, aging, and the creative grind, listeners are in for an engaging ride that veers from laugh-out-loud bits to surprising reflection.

Highlights:

• Candid comedic takes on taboo or embarrassing topics.
• Real talk about the struggle to make friends as an adult.
• A rare inside peek at a comedic mind prepping and performing under pressure (Studio C).
• Thought-provoking insight into balancing creative ambition with the realities of life, family, and fear.

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Episode Flow Map

Time | Theme / Segment
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00:02–03:58 | Banter, set-up, intention: “Light and fun!”
07:00–13:00 | Attachment, monogamy, relationship quirks
13:30–25:54 | Adult friendship, nostalgia, '90s childhood shame
25:54–31:32 | Rants about kid apps and digital parenting pitfalls
34:00–44:01 | Toy Story, empathy for toys, parenting a ‘stuffed animal empath’
46:00–56:00 | Defining boundaries in male/female friendships; sexual tension
60:00–66:42 | Indulgence vs. restraint, food rituals
68:44–83:41 | Pete’s Studio C story: fear, creativity, performance process
83:41–end | Parenting a theater kid, Martin Short vs. Matt Johnson on creative joy, playful wrap-up

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Keep it crispy, weirdos!

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. You almost put no pause between your keep it crispy and what's happening, weirdos?

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, hard for Katie.

[Valerie]

Sorry, Katie.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. She can do it.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This is.

[Pete Holmes]

This is one of my faves. I know.

[Valerie]

I always say that this was a fun one. I start out by saying, let's have fun, and then we do.

[Pete Holmes]

We do. And there's no non dual talk.

[Valerie]

If no deep.

[Pete Holmes]

There's one guy sitting on a cushion that just turned it off.

[Valerie]

He's meditating. This is his meditation.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my practice. His practice is to, like, tolerate this podcast.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, just allow it. And he's enlightened. We're so glad you're here. This is. We made it. We. The Friday episodes where Valerie and I catch up and I love it. I also want to say, like, the first half, I'm not going to break it down by chapters, but I'm going to say in the second half, we talk about Mormon Saturday Night Live, which was very fun. So, yeah, don't. Don't skip out. Listen to the whole thing.

[Valerie]

Just listen to the whole thing. You're here already.

[Pete Holmes]

If you only have time for half, put on 2x and go insane.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. We should try to listen to what's into X. This is somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a 0.5 podcast.

[Valerie]

I was with a friend who. Did you ever. Have you ever listened to the Emerald podcast, Emeril? The Emerald is what it's called.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the precious stone.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly. Anyway, somebody put that on a friend of mine on a road trip. And the other friend had, like, also listened to that podcast, but she was like, I listened to this on 2X and this guy sounds so differently. And it was the slowest talking person I've ever heard in my life. And I was like, wow, this is what 2x is for. It's for people like this.

[Pete Holmes]

It is what 2x is for. But this is not that podcast.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so glad you're here. Only a couple things to plug. Go to PeteHomes.com for my tour. Go to YouTube.com for silly, silly fun boy. We're almost at 800.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, 800K.

[Pete Holmes]

May 27th is the next Largo. Shang Wang is going to do that one.

[Valerie]

Oh, that'll be fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It's going to be awesome. Oh, we're also going to drop

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

silly.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I am not. For everyone. So silly, Silly Fun Boy is the new special but on Saturday, on Sunday, May 24, we're gonna do a live premiere at 10am Pacific of I am not for everyone, which was on a streamer that shall not be named, but it's now gonna be on YouTube for free. And I'm gonna be there commenting and streaming with y'.

[Valerie]

All.

[Pete Holmes]

So that'll be on Sunday, May 24, just to get all my specials on YouTube. Why not?

[Valerie]

Why not?

[Pete Holmes]

And then May 27 is Largo. Then we have Aspen, Denver, and all sorts. Who cares? And then spells to cast on your parents is available now. It's my children's book. The name says it all. It's a super silly fun time. Get it for your kids or get it for someone you know who has kids. Or just get it and read it. Read it like yourself, like you would read an academic textbook.

[Valerie]

Yeah, there's no shame in that. Just get a kid's book.

[Pete Holmes]

No shame.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

So we're so glad you're here.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, everybody.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful thoughts.

[Valerie]

It's been a long, bumpy road dealing

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

with yet another bladder infection and driving

[Valerie]

to the pharmacy to pick up meds.

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

I went over a pothole and a

[Valerie]

little pee came out.

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

So now I get to stand in

[Valerie]

line with pee pee pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Next time, skip the pain and get fast free delivery. With Amazon Pharmacy, healthcare just got less painful.

[Valerie]

You know what? I just want to.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello.

[Valerie]

Hello. Hi. Hi, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

You just want to what?

[Valerie]

I just want to have fun. I know I say this sometimes. This is one of those episodes where

[Pete Holmes]

I go like, oh, you don't want to be deep.

[Valerie]

No, we.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that I have a copy of my book to clearly read a highlighted passage.

[Valerie]

It's called clear your heart.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's called clear ink your heart. I love that you dropped a very key word. Clear your heart is not a book I would read.

[Valerie]

It's a self help book.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, my brother gave me a book. I love my brother so much. And I actually really love the work that my brother has done. Like, you know, on him. On his. What do you say? Psychology.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is an incredibly brilliant and wise person. But he gave me a book called do the work or know how to do the work.

[Valerie]

Gave me that book. Yeah. Because we were talking about it and he's like, I could send it to you. And what are you going to be like? Nah, nah.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially a book called how to do the work. Yeah, yeah, but it's. We watch television every day instead of doing the work. Instead of doing the work. No, but our TV Is framed by books on a bookshelf. And the one that I always see is how to do the work. And I'm not even. Well, there's a lot of things at play. One of them is that my brother and I, we love talking. But if I send him a book, I'm pretty sure he doesn't read it. And it kind of goes both ways. Yeah, but he didn't send that to me.

[Valerie]

Who was telling us? Wasn't it maybe Adam, our driver. Not to be confused with Adam driver.

[Pete Holmes]

Adam, our driver.

[Valerie]

Our driver in Utah. The guy who was driving.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, we don't have a driver.

[Valerie]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Have we talked about that yet?

[Valerie]

No, we got to talk about that.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

So fun. I know. I told you, I just want to have fun.

[Pete Holmes]

So look, let me slide clear in your heart by John.

[Valerie]

No, you can read that. That's fun for you. That's your kind of fun.

[Pete Holmes]

As I've said a million times, being interested in non duality is like being a NASCAR fan. A NASCAR fan in Manhattan. And this is a name drop. But when I was starting comedy in New York with Nate Bargazzi, he felt that he would talk about that.

[Valerie]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very sweetly. Just like, nobody here likes nascar. Like, nobody here is even interested. And he went from everyone being interested to literally, no, that's so cool. And he was just like, what is this? But I think he found some people. You can find anybody in Manhattan.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. That's the good thing about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you just want to have fun.

[Valerie]

We just want to have fun. He was telling us that Nate Bargazi. No, Adam, our driver.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like an AI. You know how you can confuse an AI by being like three plums. And then I gave you two dirty plums. How many plums do you have? And I'm like, well, it's like three plums. Two the dirty. Like you can confuse me by another noun. Yeah, that's all it takes.

[Valerie]

I was kind of confused there for a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thanks.

[Valerie]

I have that brain too.

[Pete Holmes]

You're really nice.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You're nice to me.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate it.

[Valerie]

I like to be nice to you. I like you. I told you right before we started recording that I was laying in bed doing the math of how long I thought you could live so that I can die with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we still have an old ass life.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Because we're 10 years apart.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But we won't always be cryogenics. Well, you freeze my ass for 10 years. We're the same.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Freeze your ass for 10 years. Have a million affairs.

[Pete Holmes]

What? What? You have a million affairs?

[Valerie]

Yeah. For 10 years?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That would be pretty exciting for you.

[Valerie]

And then. And then grow older.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you as mo. As much as a person can.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Love a person.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you were frozen for 10 years and you're just like, go live. I don't know, though. I don't know.

[Valerie]

On one hand, you'd be frozen.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Yeah. You're gonna go and do it.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. Oh. If I were for whatever, a year, and I am.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the ways that I'm very old school is that I'm like, sex makes you fall in love with people. Like, it's one of the ways that, like, you just physiologically.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bond with somebody.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know. I, like, I'm just owning it. I'm 47, and I am, like, a real knot in my backyard. I don't want these kids drag racing. I don't want kids doing wheelies through traffic on their e bikes. And. And I'm also, like, pretty ready to either keep it to myself or very gently imply that, like, sex is a lovely and normal thing and you kind of, you know, it can make you attached. Attached. That's all I'm saying.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I'm not even gonna say fall in love. I'm just gonna say it just makes. There's attachment there.

[Valerie]

It does make everything complicated, at the very least.

[Pete Holmes]

Why'd you have to go and make.

[Valerie]

I like, this is what I think. I've maybe talked about this on the podcast, but this is what I love,

[Pete Holmes]

this AM Vibe we have today. Y like it.

[Valerie]

I like it too. My friend Lisa and I always talk about this too, because we both feel both ways, which I think you would too, where you're just, like. It feels insane that you can have a connection with someone, like a friend and then. And also be attracted to them and, like, you can just get to a certain point.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this you and Lisa?

[Valerie]

No, no, no. This is like, you know, other people. Like, if I were another, there was a man that I was attracted to that I also am friends with.

[Brett Goldstein]

Hello, Val.

[Valerie]

And, yeah, just hypothetically.

[Brett Goldstein]

I'm just running some bits. Pete says you're very good at bits. You want to help me with some of these? What's up with Kermit? Everybody knows he's got ping pong ball eyes. Why's he got those ping pong balls?

[Valerie]

You know? What about Kermit's eyes?

[Brett Goldstein]

So is it like, did Jim Henson ever, like, go like, oh, we lost the ball. Don't worry, I'll go dismantle Kermit. Is that. Is that anything?

[Valerie]

Uh huh.

[Brett Goldstein]

Why is it humid in here? Why is it vaginal? Humid? It's so moist.

[Valerie]

And all I can muster is a nod.

[Pete Holmes]

For those of you that haven't listened to every one of these 250 episodes. That's Brett Goldstein, my friend. And your secret crush.

[Valerie]

Not secret. That's why it's okay. Because I'm not keeping it a secret.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

The people that I'm. And I'm only in the 5% attracted or crushed on anybody. I wouldn't. I don't even joke about it. But you're like, 98%. Like, you have to talk about it. Well, it's like somebody with, like, a arrow in their arm.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to address it.

[Valerie]

That's true. I guess that's true. But I also do that for the health of our relationship. Just like, to keep it in. I think a secret crush is dangerous. I think a public crush is.

[Pete Holmes]

But none of mine. You're talking to a person who has to write down their friends.

[Valerie]

Oh. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

You're saying, like, I can't even remember who I have a crush on.

[Valerie]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't. I don't have any crush. I. I mean, I'd love to.

[Valerie]

I'd love for you to have a crush. I. But to be fair, it's not like I get. Although maybe this is worse. I also am not attracted to that many people. Like, I. I don't get a lot of crushes.

[Brett Goldstein]

Well, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And Brett's, you know, different from me, but enough like me that I'm like, I get it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

I love. I love. He's a dreamboat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When I watched Ted Lasso, I was like, it's because of Dreamboat.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. But what I was.

[Pete Holmes]

And Brett, if you're listening, I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry that we keep talking about this. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson. I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I do have a crush on him.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I know there's that. But we both have, like, talent. Admiration of Matt and get a lot of, like, inspiration, like, watching him on podcasts and stuff. And I'm just like, he's. It's like, it gives me a lot of life listening to somebody who's so lit up about stuff. So I have. I have a talent thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. For Matt.

[Pete Holmes]

So apologies to Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson as well.

[Valerie]

What are we apologizing for?

[Pete Holmes]

Crushes and talent crushes.

[Valerie]

I think that that's something that makes people feel good. Is it not?

[Pete Holmes]

I guess that you and me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If I was listening to Brett's podcast

[Brett Goldstein]

and he's like, you know who's a piece of ass is Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

The only reason I listen to Brett's podcast is to just see if he says that about me.

[Brett Goldstein]

There's one girl, her name is that. No, I shouldn't say it. It's called a Chaney. No, it's too obvious. Call it homes.

[Valerie]

That's not true. I do like. I like that podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you not mention other podcasts? Do you know what it's like out there?

[Valerie]

That's what you get jealous of.

[Brett Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's so fun. So the feeling I got was stronger for you mentioning another podcast. That is.

[Valerie]

I know you.

[Pete Holmes]

So that was. We've been recording for nine minutes. That was a nine minute setup.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In my opinion, a perfect joke.

[Valerie]

Also, though, to like this. Similarly, it was perfect when you said. When you were doing the bit about me helping Brett with bits, that crossed a line for me. I'm like, look, I might give him a smooch or something, but I would never help him with his bits. That's our thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, No, I get that. That's really sweet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really, really sweet. Okay, Can I enter? Will you keep a pin in what you're about to say?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we saw Nick Swartzen the other day.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Literally yesterday. And it was so fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah. He's so great.

[Pete Holmes]

And it made me miss hanging out with comedians. Gareth Live. Gareth Reynolds, who's one of the funniest people ever lives here. But I texted him to hang out. This is. This is Pete's man trying to have a guy friend.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to have a friend.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Pete's.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't mean that in no disrespect. I love Conan to death. But his podcast, Conan o' Brien needs a friend. That's. That's funny gag. This is. This shit is real.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. You want intimacy. You don't want just like, dinner. Bit dinners.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit dinners. That's fine. But this is like, Pete Holmes needs a friend. And then in parentheses, like, for real. And the worst part is I don't think I need a friend. So it's, like, dangerous. I'm like a guy who only eats, like, drinks tab.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, I'm alive.

[Valerie]

And you're like, but you need water.

[Pete Holmes]

Water. And I'm like, no, I don't. So, like, I don't even believe in the conceit of this show. But anyway, I texted Gareth to hang out. For those of you who don't know, he's ISOs. All these ISOs. One of the funniest bits of all time.

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

What kind of triangles are these? I think about it all the time.

[Valerie]

Stall these isles.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be ISOs. I just can't believe he doesn't.

[Valerie]

That a human brain thought of that.

[Pete Holmes]

And that a Dorito is an isosceles triangle was like the coup de grace. I don't know what a coup de grace is, but it made me.

[Valerie]

When somebody pulls up a term that you haven't heard since isosceles the eighth grade.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I am a little defensive because it's such a great bit. I did. I was the one who brought it.

[Valerie]

Isles. Brought it soceli. Well, great. That's why I married you.

[Pete Holmes]

For my. There's a lot of fucking dandruff nerds that know the word isosceles that you could be on a boat and just remember when dandruff was, like, the go to. Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Dandruff was such a big thing in our lives.

[Pete Holmes]

Dandruff used to be happening.

[Valerie]

Was that dehydration?

[Pete Holmes]

We figured it out.

[Valerie]

No, because I'm not doing anything differently than I did then.

[Pete Holmes]

But we never had dandruff.

[Valerie]

Oh, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Dandruff is for nerds. Okay. I'm kidding. That was a funny take. That was a funny take. The kids I knew in high school that had just the season for the flakes that don't melt. That was a Head and Shoulders commercial. They were. If I'm gonna be real, you don't. You don't have to clip this and keep me off snl. But there were a lot of Asian nerds. I knew they weren't all Asian, but they had the dark hair.

[Valerie]

Helps the spot you show. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which means maybe I have it. I just have. Well, everybody has strawberry blonde flakes.

[Valerie]

Yeah, everybody has a teensy bit of it. But, like, that was. But that. I mean, it was also just in the zeitgeist as, like, a jokes, I guess, because maybe it was really happening more in the 90s, I think what we were eating. I bet it was what we were eating. I bet it was dehydration.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't have a glass of water till, like, 1999.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I also.

[Pete Holmes]

And that was as a joke, like, imagine.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, our low quality soaps probably too.

[Pete Holmes]

We just didn't know what the fuck we were doing. Yeah, nobody knew what the fuck. Remember Noxzema? Like, no shade Noxzema. But, like, what we were washing our faces with just frying when you. It smelled like. It smelled like what cooked the Joker. Like, Jack Nicholson fell in a vat of Nagazima. Oh, my God, it was so chemical.

[Valerie]

Accutane is still a thing. People still do it. But, like, every. They were handing that out like candy,

[Pete Holmes]

and it made sounds like you just want acne, but more accurately, acne.

[Brett Goldstein]

You just.

[Pete Holmes]

You still want it, but you're like, I want it in clusters of my choosing. Accutane. That's accunet. That's awful.

[Valerie]

But we're just gonna sit in it for a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I loved it. I have the Nick Swartzen joke queued up.

[Valerie]

All I was gonna say was, Accutane, like, would make teenagers, like, suicidal.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Like, oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

It was a no joke, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Bro.

[Valerie]

It was insane, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so glad I didn't get smashed by acne, but some of my dear friends did.

[Valerie]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, remember, like, it also used to just be illegal to show commercials where you touches it with, like, a ionized metal and it goes away in 15 minutes. Like, that's. That's what it claimed. We bought that.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

For four payments in 1995. We wait six to eight weeks. You get it? You touch your zit. Now you're just a dork pointing out your.

[Valerie]

Wait a minute. I guess I don't know what this is. What are you saying? This is. What was it called?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You would have bought this?

[Valerie]

I would have.

[Pete Holmes]

Based on. Leela and I were playing yesterday, two days ago, in the sink, and she found, like, a red light you shine at Pimples. And I was like, bro, get off the gram.

[Valerie]

The red light has been proven to work. The red light. I have the red light mask, too, and I've never used it.

[Pete Holmes]

You know who else has that red light mask? Everybody. Everybody. Everybody. I almost bought one because Diary of a CEO is like, I listen to my girl when she talks about skincare.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

AI is going to kill us all. But first, this mask. Yeah, that's my Diary of a CEO commercial. Okay, wait, but there's a lot of cooks in the fire. Let me.

[Valerie]

Okay, so what is the ionized metal thing?

[Pete Holmes]

It was this. It looked like tweezers that were closed.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That's pretty good, actually.

[Valerie]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we're going to wrap the metal part of the tweeze in, like, a White plastic, huh? So now it's just a white plastic handle. And at the tip is like some tweezer looking things, but they're closed. And it had a battery in it. And the ad was just like, it's negative charge and positive charge. And the problem with zits is that they're negative charge. And this floods it with whatever it is.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And you. And both. I only got zits. Zits. I only got pimples. Let's pim. Zits is tits, by the way.

[Valerie]

Zits is tits.

[Pete Holmes]

Pimples is boobs.

[Valerie]

Yep, 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

And I got pimples.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't get zits. And I'm not like, barking people into my baseball milk jug game at a carnival. I'm sorry, but those are the tits. Zits, people. She had zits on her tits. I still did her.

[Valerie]

Racne, we used to call it.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know zit tits.

[Valerie]

Not zit tits, but like on the chest.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Acne, you know, you'd get about.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a really cute way to put it. I never liked bacne. I never liked bacne and arachne, which is Middle Eastern acne.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that anything?

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I love your honesty. So anyway, I don't think you'd mind. It was earn. Ern and I were best friends and we had acne and we bought it. I think we might have even pooled our resources. This is something. The good part of what this is, is you have to wait six to eight weeks for this thing. And the. That's actually the best part. Between sending in the cash on delivery or the. The money order or the. You get a check. I don't know what we did.

[Valerie]

100.

[Pete Holmes]

You mail it. First of all, it takes two weeks for them to get the payment from you. Tom Hanks in the Postman. I'm sorry? Kevin Costner in the Postman is. Is a horse delivering your check to this company. And then they.

[Valerie]

And then you have to look that horse in the mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

You're very good. And then they mail it six. So that's why it took six to eight weeks. And believe me, that was eight weeks and you got it. And the best part was laying in bed being like, we'll see who's laughing when I'm ionizing.

[Valerie]

Everything is different.

[Pete Holmes]

When everything's different.

[Valerie]

I've had this.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're gonna go to school? Absolutely. Clear skin. And you know what? For me, it was too. It was being clear skin. But I've always been Like, I still am, like, a proselytizer and a sharer of wares. And I couldn't wait to tell everyone. Ivan, Poon buddy, let me. You can use ours. I don't care. Yeah, we could get the whole school clear in 15 minutes.

[Valerie]

I'm so enthralled, though. So tell me what the experience was like.

[Pete Holmes]

Got it. I believe, sent to Earn's house and he was poking his zits with it. Oh, zits. And absolutely, obviously, absolutely nothing happened.

[Valerie]

Does it hurt? Did it, like, electrocute? No. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I tried it too. It did nothing. Yeah, the modern equivalent. And I'm not. I'm going to put a clock on myself here. I'm going to give myself 40 seconds to talk about this nefarious. What is the word? Diabolical. The thing that is diabolical today is apps. My daughter will be like, leela, our daughter will say. Will say, can I play that whole game? There's a game called Holes IO or whatever, and it is fun. It's a fun game. You are a whole. And you swallow buildings and cars and stuff. And it's free. Every app is free. Every app says the three letters that I dread. Get.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Show me the price. Show me the price.

[Valerie]

Because then you know it's quality.

[Pete Holmes]

Even if it was $30, yeah, I would have bought it. But it's not. It's free. And that means every 45 seconds, it's not just an ad for another game comes. You have to play it. And I'm pretty savvy. I'm not like a ding dong when it comes to phones. I know how to, like, minimize things. I know how to close things. I know where the little hard to find X is. I can't find shit. I'm like, I guess I just have to play this game. I do. I win. It sucks. I hate playing this game because it forced me to do it. So I have this real liberty complex. I'm like, I'm playing holes. There's no home screen for holes. There's no settings. There's no. There's nothing to push that you can say, upgrade to ad free. There's nothing. So then I give it back to Leela. She goes, data, this is 40 seconds later, data did it again. She hands it back to me. It makes you play again. And then it goes to the app store for that game and it says, get. And I'm like, no. And I close. It goes back to the game. I'm like, the game I don't want to play. I play that app screen App screen. App screen. I did that for five minutes. The worst I was. I get really triggered by this. It. There was no way around it. The only way to do it was to download another game. That was the only way it was.

[Valerie]

I did. Look, I double checked too with my.

[Pete Holmes]

We asked chat GPT and stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we did.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, all the. And we went on YouTube. It was like, here's how to do it. It all hinges on a menu screen. There is no menu screen. I was like, this is. I don't use this word a lot. It's insidious. It's actually insidious. And fuck you, holes IO Fuck you.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't say fuck you to a lot of people, but I would fuck you in all your fucking holes. Fuck you. Fuck you. I would say to the good natured dork who sold his soul, who signed the deal that made his good game just a casino of. Of sales.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Of fucking. Do you know the children that are playing this, that are downloading shit that we don't even know what the fuck is going on? I would walk up to that thick glasses motherfucker, I'd say, fuck you, you fucking dandruff piece of fuck.

[Valerie]

Okay, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope she hears this. This is righteous anger. Let us buy your game. This is America. Yeah, I'm not in some fucking. I am too worked up.

[Valerie]

You're really.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm really worked up. But there is something about America. It's like we have Better Business Bureau. I don't know what they do. We have like, there's supposed to be checks and balances with the government, but with this too, there isn't. It's just buy get this game for everything. It's free. Tetris is free. Same shit. It's not as bad, but it runs an ad and it takes you to the app store to buy another thing. And if you give that to a kid that they're just pressing buy and you're just buying shit. And it's like. I'm sorry. It is a carnival. It's a carnival game.

[Valerie]

And the thing is, the games that kids play, it happens more, which is so evil because I play solitaire. And it happens once every time you finish a game. You have to do a lot of and you can close out of them. But for kids, it's like it knows it can get kids to buy all

[Pete Holmes]

this shit and download more fucking spyware, spamware. All this shit on your phone, clogging it up and they don't know any better. Where is the presidential candidate that's gonna run on this because I will be his killer. Mike.

[Valerie]

I'm so. Did you see that?

[Pete Holmes]

The new toys, did you get that reference? That was a great reference. Bernie Sanders. You're missing a bird.

[Valerie]

Bird. You're missing a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

You're missing a great visual joke. That's really, really good visual joke.

[Valerie]

I pointed out that he says really?

[Pete Holmes]

And now I'm 3%.

[Valerie]

This is Matt Johnson again. We're talking partner the band.

[Pete Holmes]

You're missing a great visual joke. That wasn't. That wasn't it. That was almost Native American.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Great visual. I'm not going to do it.

[Valerie]

It was native Canadian.

[Pete Holmes]

It was native Canadian. They were Americans too.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true.

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[Pete Holmes]

This is one of them.

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[Pete Holmes]

Not too much, just a little bit

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

free sample pack with any purchase.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Pete Holmes]

I like one.

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[Pete Holmes]

Get into it.

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[Pete Holmes]

I used to think I was really bad at sleeping and I almost started

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

You can wear it on your wrist

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

or your ankle and it lulls your body back to sleep. It even has something called Smart Vibes, which is an intelligent reusing of that program. You don't have to wake up to tell it like, hey, I could use a little help here. It knows and it reruns the program while you're asleep, helping you stay asleep. So it helps you fall asleep, helps you stay asleep, and is absolutely a game changer. It's like finding the fuse box to your body, to your nervous system. And it's not just sleep. It's focus. It's feeling social, it's feeling open, it's feeling dialed in, it's relaxing energy. There's all these different settings that you control from your phone and it is amazing. But for sleep, it is such. If all it did was sleep, I would be shouting it from the rooftops it's been such a wonderful game changer for me and it's a wonderful way to support your body and support the show. Try an Apollo Neuro. If you're somebody like me who's done all the right things and still feels wired when you lie down, go to ApolloNeuro.com weird and learn more. And get $99 off 100 bucks. Almost 100 bucks. 99 bucks off a P-O-L L-O-N-E-U-R-O.com weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead. Okay, wait, I got the Nick Schwartz.

[Valerie]

You got Nick Schwartz in, so you should do that. I'm going. I'm going chronologically backwards.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm sorry if I got everybody worked up, but, like, we got it. Apple. This is under your banner. Steve Jobs. He's not doing anything.

[Valerie]

Oh. I was saying I'm glad that the new Toy Story is about tablets.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Valerie]

That's the new villain, is the tablet.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think. Color me aroused.

[Valerie]

I honestly think that's going to be the first. I was like, watching the trailer through my child's eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a trailer?

[Valerie]

Yes. It looks great.

[Pete Holmes]

Big week for trailers. Matt Johnson's Tony.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Trailer.

[Valerie]

Yeah, The Anthony Bourdain.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like it did, like, 60 million views in 24 hours. It's incredible. Yeah, it looks incredible. More. I'm such a fucking dork. Went right to the views.

[Valerie]

But I'm like, you do have a crush.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a talent crush.

[Valerie]

I know, it's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

Talent crushes. This is just Salieri and Mozart and. Yes, I'm Mozart. I'm just kidding. But.

[Valerie]

Oh, it's like, I was like, I think this is going to work on my kid. But then I also kind of got a little bit sad because she. I think it will be challenging to her. You know when you love something and then it's like you get the, like, you know, info on it. Like, if we were to watch a documentary about sugar, I'm like the guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you know how Lucy in Peanuts set up a therapist booth?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

For five cents.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm five cents. Ruin something you love. What do you got? Bacon? Sugar.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Alcohol? Weed?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anything. I've been ruined.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If the. If the. The plebeians. What is it? The Philistines? You don't have to burn down the library anymore. Remember in the Dark Ages? You just have to kill me because I'm a whole library.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Of those of just like, sugar is actually.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, please don't kill Me,

[Valerie]

I love the idea that somebody heard that. It was, like, started polishing a knife. And then you said.

[Pete Holmes]

They were like, oh, okay, okay.

[Valerie]

You were just. Yeah, speaking metaphorically. So. But I think she is so into her toys. Like, okay, this is a perfect example. This morning, I got Beau a stuffed giraffe toy. BO is our giant dog. And she saw it, and I said, do you want to give. It was in the Target bag. And I said, do you want to give this to Beau? He'll be so happy. And in the time it took for her to take that giraffe out of the bag and just walk to the back door, she had named it. She was cutting its tag off and saying, this will only hurt for a second. She had built an entire relationship with this giraffe to the point that when she gave it to our dog and he, like, started shaking it and running around, she was, like, crying a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

And I was like. And I said, look at how, like, Beau, our real live stuffy, who is alive, is so happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I heard you saying that.

[Valerie]

And she was like. She was like, but the giraffe, you

[Pete Holmes]

know, I had that big.

[Valerie]

And so she has that so much with her toys that I think I'm, like, nervous to present the idea and. And trust, you know what? In. In Pixar, I trust that they'll handle it well. But the idea that, like, her toys are feeling neglected by her iPad, she's gonna. That's gonna hit hard, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, not buy her iPad because of her iPad?

[Valerie]

Well, the iPad in Toy Story, the iPad is alive and is the villain that the toys are, like, being neglected because now Bonnie has.

[Pete Holmes]

Because of it. Yeah, but not buy it.

[Valerie]

Yes, but in Toy Story, all of the toys are alive, including the iPad,

[Pete Holmes]

but the toys aren't wanting the iPad to play with them.

[Valerie]

Yes. Okay. I see what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad I died on that hill. It was worth it. There's some people listening that are like, get her. Get her. Like, they're fucking. That was their wrestling. They're like, yes, Val, I know that they're personified.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. But I also know that the toys don't want to be played with by the iPad.

[Valerie]

Okay, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, I know what you mean. But, like, Lila's, you know, Lord knows we're pulling some boners as a parent. Like, there's. There's some stuff we're doing wrong. She's not an iPad fiend.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Valerie]

I mean, she's a Screen fiend A little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

She watches a lot, but she's not an iPad fiend. What are we doing? This is like, I did that interview for Wired and it was about my screen time. And they. It was about, like, tech use. And they're like, what's your screen time? And I couldn't wait. It was like the best day of my life. And I got to tell somebody my lowest screen time. And I guess they didn't believe it because then they emailed me and they said, no, we need your screen time for, like, across all your devices, including your computer. And I was like, what? You just moved the goalposts?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Screen time means phone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And not my zooms. I have like three zooms in a day and now I have three, four hours of screen time.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's screen time.

[Valerie]

It is a little bit different than comparing it to, like, because she's either watching on the bigger screen or she's watching on her itch.

[Pete Holmes]

Disagree.

[Valerie]

Those are the same.

[Pete Holmes]

Disagree. The thing we're talking about, the. What is the word? Insidious.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Holes. IO. That's iPad time. Go to the airport.

[Valerie]

You mean games?

[Pete Holmes]

Games, apps, bullshit. She barely does that.

[Valerie]

She doesn't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're what I'm saying.

[Valerie]

But she.

[Pete Holmes]

That's different. It's a different level of engagement, I guess. But she's a cinephile.

[Valerie]

You just will never see her clearly. And I love that. I. Because you don't. Because you don't see me clearly.

[Pete Holmes]

7 year old is a cinema she loves. I love what? I just watched Go with Lila this morning. That's right. This morning.

[Valerie]

On a Friday morning.

[Pete Holmes]

Who gives a shit, bro? We're fucking smoking it. We're smoking up life.

[Valerie]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

And we watched and it was great. I thought it was Chris Rock. It wasn't. It was the kid from Stranger Things.

[Valerie]

I know. Isn't it Steph Curry.

[Pete Holmes]

Steph Curry's in it.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But the lead goat.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds a little bit to my ear, like, Chris. And it was this guy, this child, younger person.

[Valerie]

That is crazy. They're like 40 years apart in age.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I was like, how did Chris sound so young? I thought he was pitching up his voice.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, that was a snooze. Was it? I love everything we say. I'm gonna listen to this one. I can tell it's a good one.

[Valerie]

Well, okay. We gotta go backwards.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to say that when we watch, it's active. We were sitting together, we're talking about what's Happening. We're talking about the art. We're talking about the voice actors. Patton Oswald is the coach. And I go, that's Remy. She's like, I recognize that. I love it. Anyway, you're right. You and Leela can do no wrong. Yeah, that's how I like it.

[Valerie]

That's nice. That's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we at the Swartz and thing?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Do you remember what it was?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. There's a couple things here, though. Gareth Reynolds, who I want to be friends with.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I texted him and what was really funny. And Gareth. No, no shade here. He just assumed I was asking him to do the podcast. I've been chasing him to come back on the podcast. I was like, I'll be back, then we'll pot it up. And I said, you showbiz phony. I was looking to hang out with you. And then like, two Frankensteins at the beach going, like, what?

[Valerie]

How do we friend?

[Pete Holmes]

He rolls the ball to me crudely. Ball and roll it back. We pan away slowly, back away, sunset. Everyone's crying. But I was like, let's hang out. And he was like, how's the first week of June? That's in. That's in. That's in three weeks. And we're scheduling it like, ain't. No.

[Valerie]

But that's what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

It is, yes.

[Valerie]

This is what being a friend is.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we try it again without the tude? I'm trying to learn your ways from. I'm not actually upset. I just can't. I wouldn't have guessed that you were planning things.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Cons. I just planned something for. Well, I guess that's a week from now. But, like, especially with friends who are not in town all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I think what you see is the friends that are in town that I see every day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

That is more spur of the moment. But even that where, like, I. You know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're right. You plan hikes and stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's like Jill texted me today and said, do you want to go to this weight class? And I said, I can't go to this one, but I'll see it. I'll do it with you on Monday. Like, where there's always, like, little planning things that happen.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember we were talking about that? I was like. I was acknowledging that there might be something kind of mid lifey about this experiment, even though I wouldn't call it a crisis. It's a. It's a Midlife DEFCON 1. Isn't DEFCON 5 the worst?

[Valerie]

I think It's.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think it's informed by being midlife. I'm just sort of going, like, okay, I've lived forgive and forget. But, like, I love my life. What a great life. There's one kind of folder that you like a manila, and you open and there's just dust in it. Like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like my friendship.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Other than, you know, my comedian friends, which are like, you know, we've talked about this. Neil Brennan. I'll talk to Neil once or twice a month. But it's real connection. We really connect and we really bond and we really love each other.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, you know, a phone call. I feel like Will Hunting, where he's like, do you. Robin Williams is like, do you have any friends, Will? Who are your friends? And he's like, got a lot of friends. K.

[Valerie]

Icebox.

[Pete Holmes]

K A God.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's Icebox?

[Valerie]

I. Oh. Oh. I was thinking. I didn't realize you said, like, can't. I. Because I say can't. So I. I thought you were, like, naming, like, Boston type, like, nicknames of friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Can't. Like Hunt.

[Valerie]

No, just like any. You know how, like, there's. I think there's an even, like, a Matt Damon, or maybe it's been Affleck SNL sketch where he's, like, naming his friends and it's all like, one of them is like, Squeeze Box or Icebox. So it's like, just naming, like, the Boston type nicknames. I didn't realize it was the.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, everybody's go to Sully.

[Valerie]

Okay. Yeah, exactly.

[Brett Goldstein]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Okay, so.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's saying he was naming all the people that he reads.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes, well, you can't. You can't really have relationship with him, Will. Not without smelling salts in a space heater, which I don't even know what that means. I guess you, like, trip out.

[Valerie]

I guess so.

[Pete Holmes]

But it might not be smelling salts. Anyway, okay, where were we? Plans.

[Valerie]

Yes. So you're trying.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so Gareth. I'll hang out with Gareth in three weeks. But then I saw Nick Schwartz and. And really, what? We saw him in town, and I was so happy to see another comedian, as were you. It's fun to see funny people. And we talked to him for a while, and he told that story that specifically made me go, like, he said this. Do you remember? He goes, this is a funny joke if you're a comedian. And he told, like, a famous road story. We were talking about how weather affects the mood and how, like, we're in such a sunny place. And everybody's so happy. I was like, I really think that's like one of the things. And he's from Minneapolis and talking about how, you know, when I was in Minneapolis, I was asking somebody if they ever thought about living in California or if they ever would. And they were like, no, there's earthquakes. And I was like, you guys have a winter every year. Yeah, I've been here for 20 some plus years. You can deal with it. Like, you guys have a natural disaster that recurs annually.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For months.

[Valerie]

It's a given that it will happen.

[Pete Holmes]

It will happen.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look. Which is fine. Maybe you really are afraid of earthquakes. That's fine. I'm just saying we were talking about the places there were. Well, that was a Covid thing. Like places where there was less sunlight, they could track. Covid would spike harder.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Different things like that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, sunlight and people's. Well, being very linked. And we were talking about that. And then he was like, there's this famous story about this comedian who's touring up through Canada and like back down through the Midwest in like February. And like halfway through the run, he goes, he just killed himself. And we all had a good laugh. That's very dark. And he just goes, and that's a great joke if you're a comedian.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, look, I'm not saying it's exclusive to comedians. I think there are a lot of people that have an appreciation for very dark stuff like that. But it did make me go like, oh, I'm gonna text Gareth. I could see him saying something like that to me.

[Valerie]

That's what made you. So wait, hang on.

[Pete Holmes]

The point of that story goes, what? Comedians live near me.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And maybe I could try and be like, you said this, you said instead of starting fresh, which I have a couple fresh fires.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You were like, why not just try and deepen something that you already have?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I started thinking about, like watching Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie, and how they like play Super Nintendo. And that's like their go to sign of male friendship is people you watch movies with and people you play Super Nintendo with. Then that got me unpacking. Like when I was a kid, I played video games by myself.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but see, this is. Well, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

I find that to be such a key.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where I'm like, go ahead.

[Valerie]

No, you're right. But I do think that is. That's a real good secret to fostering friendships, is finding some. It's just like when you're A kid, but just finding a mutual thing that you like to do and then that becomes your person that you do that with.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

So it's like even like Jill, one of my closest friends, she and I would hang out. We have a lot of overlap. We would hang out anyway. But the thing is, is like there's only so many hours in a day. There's only so many hours where your kid isn't with you that like, you kind of have to multitask. We can't just sit and have coffee for two hours every day. So we hike or we exercise together.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

So that we're taking care of two of the things we have to do or, you know, taking care.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny how sensitive I am on this. And I go, okay, then I'm out.

[Valerie]

But, but see, but that's what I'm saying is you can find something that you enjoy to like doing with a friend so that it doesn't feel like such a. Like. And now I have to try to make time for this two hour lunch

[Pete Holmes]

or I'm not trying to be funny. What do I like to do?

[Valerie]

Well, that's the thing is. And so that's why I think there it is a little bit more difficult is like a lot of the other dads here are like going on long hikes together or mountain biking or because it's Ojai. So a lot of the dads here like to be like outside. But you would do a hike. You like hikes. But it's not a big. Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. You know what comes up for me when you say that is like the problem. And we'll move on from this because we've talked about this a lot. There's a Pete that likes hiking and he shows up for about 15 seconds every day. There's a 15 second window where you can ask me to go on a hike and I'll say yes.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what's so hard. And that's why I don't like planning. I don't know which Pete we're planning for.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I really stick to the things that I always like. And a lot of those things are, you know, stand up. You know, I don't always.

[Valerie]

But that's what I was going to say. That is the original point of me saying that is. That's why I think it is okay for you to be friends with comedians because you like doing bits. They have the same sort of neuro spicy features as you. So they understand because that's the other thing is I'm like, you can be in different moods. Like, I made this point, I think, last week again, going back to Jill. The reason I can be close. I can be. I already mentioned her earlier.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, nobody clocked out.

[Valerie]

Yes. Okay. That. That she is the same as me when it comes to, like, I'm gonna make a plan. And then around. If I make a plan for 7:30, around 5pm I'm going to really be like, wishing I hadn't made that plan because I'm starting to wind down. And she's the same. So it's an easy person for me to be like, I'm not doing it. I'm not going out today. And she's like, great. Yeah. To rest. Like she. So all of that is to say, like, find somebody with the same neuroses as you so that you don't feel like you're being judged or that you have to have a version of yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Specifically that version has to come out when you're with this person.

[Brett Goldstein]

I see.

[Valerie]

And also. Yeah, but also, I do think probably the hardest thing for you with finding friends is that you want to talk about non. Dual stuff and you just got to find. We got to find you somebody who wants to talk about that.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true? Well, Tatiana, my. Yeah, My friend built exclusively almost on that so I can be very close with somebody if that's all they want to talk about.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's Gungies.

[Pete Holmes]

Michael Gunger.

[Valerie]

You do have friends like that. But you seem to be wanting a friend in town that seems.

[Pete Holmes]

Tatiana lives in San Francisco. Gungies lives in fucking.

[Valerie]

Whatever that Nevada City.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, whatever that shit. I'm just kidding. I love Nevada City. I just couldn't remember the name of it, so I got defensive and then I made it stupid because I can't be stupid.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. Okay. Okay, Moving on.

[Valerie]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody cares.

[Valerie]

The.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, we all care.

[Valerie]

I actually kind of remembered the two threads that I had, which never happens on this podcast. We always just abandon ship. Especially what's. But I'm gonna go back.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially with my stuff.

[Valerie]

No, I was gonna say especially in the beginning.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I defend your stuff, I hope as much as my own.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Which is close to none.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. I have not much regard for my own threads.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But go ahead.

[Valerie]

Okay. This is one little short thing that now doesn't make feel worth it. But it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I felt about the Nick Fortune joke. It. That wasn't that great. And then he killed himself. That didn't seem that great, and I had to deal with that. And then he killed himself. And then I was just standing there. You could hear like a drip from the ceiling.

[Valerie]

In your defense, I. And I will.

[Pete Holmes]

He told it better.

[Valerie]

No, I laughed way harder when he told it. I think there was a little part of me when you were about to tell it that I was like, is this okay?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a very dark joke.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's dark. It's gallows humor. Anyway, I. When I was a kid, I wonder if you relate to this or if you have anything like this. You know, when you're a kid, you just don't know that much. You don't have that many associations. You haven't seen that many things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

So I vividly remember. I must have been pretty young. You mentioned Kermit's eyeballs in the. In the voice of Brett Goldstein.

[Brett Goldstein]

He's got that sort of like cumberbund. What is that? It's like a star shaped felt cumberband. Val, help me.

[Valerie]

So. So. Boyfriend. Brett.

[Brett Goldstein]

Boyfriend.

[Valerie]

Boyfriend.

[Brett Goldstein]

We hit friend.

[Valerie]

Boy.

[Brett Goldstein]

Girlfriend. Boyfriend. It's different.

[Valerie]

Which one is which? If you say. If you emphasize friend, you're British. Ah. So. When I was a kid, I remember seeing Kermit's eyes. And you know how his. Can you picture the shape of his pupils?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a line with a circle coming half up to sunrise.

[Valerie]

I remember thinking that looked like the tags that are on toys to help you hang.

[Brett Goldstein]

Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Say less.

[Valerie]

You got it. You already got it.

[Pete Holmes]

The thing you punch out on a Ninja Turtles toy.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So that they could hang them in the store.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And the collectors, I think, have a term for that because they want that piece in there that's like real.

[Valerie]

Oh, cool. Okay. They should call it a Kermit's eye.

[Brett Goldstein]

And the Kermitai is. Is it in or is it out? Mate.

[Valerie]

I'll be your mate. Okay. Anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Wow.

[Valerie]

Then the other thing was, which led to this and is now relevant because of that impression was the, like, freezing your you for 10 years and. And sex being attached. Okay. And then Lisa and I always talking about how you could have a friend and be attracted to them. And then there is just a certain line. And it's kind of different for everyone. But there's especially, like, if our genitals merge.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

If that will ruin our lives, like, for so many people. It's like if you're married or in a monogamous relationship and that happens with someone else.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why men and women can't be friends. Sex Always gets in the way.

[Valerie]

But is it, like, can't you get both in the position of, like, that is absurd. That just that one thing could ruin lives? And also. Yes, it does.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear that. Like, and it happens.

[Valerie]

And it does.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a. There's a slice of cake so delicious that people don't see their kids anymore.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, no, exactly. I didn't have a bit about that. I can't find that bit. There was a bit where I was like, I wouldn't cheat on my wife, but I will. Like, pizza is my thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll eat, like, a sneaky pizza, but, like, that's better. Pizza doesn't call the house. Is. Is Pete home? Who's this? Put them on. Yeah, you hear the sound of molding cheese. Put them on pizza. But then that'll find that bit.

[Valerie]

But to go back to your. Like, it complicates everything, even that. So, like, even taking, like, cheating out of the way, it's like the second that happens where now I. I care if you call me most of the time, you know, like, it's like, well, you put your penis in my vagina. So now I really need you to call me the next day. Next day. And, like, we need. I need to know where this is going. And we need to be. You know, like, it is so weird that something that. Yeah, like, just. I'm just watching my mom's dog, like, humping my daughter's arm constantly. And it's like, there is an argument to be.

[Pete Holmes]

The bonobos. Argument.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't mean the clothing line.

[Valerie]

But I'm not. To be clear, I'm not making that argument. I'm just so fascinated that I can.

[Pete Holmes]

This is right out of my. Right. It reminds me of another bit I had where I was like, having a penis is weird. It's weird being attached to something that can get you arrested.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you take boobs out, everybody's like, hooray. That's an exaggeration. But, like, my. My wiener comes out. Jail.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my body.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is it? Body shame.

[Valerie]

I know. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk about body shame.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't have that out, sir.

[Valerie]

That is so.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm writing that down.

[Valerie]

It's so complicated. It. Isn't it wild? Like, this is where we really get a look at the unique predicament of being a human being, where we are animal and. And soul and psyche all mixed in one.

[Pete Holmes]

Kings and donkeys.

[Valerie]

And we're trying to, you know, if we're healthy. We're trying to get all of our parts, you know, alive and represented, but it can't be too much like we have to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'll agree with one of the reasons I have no close female friends. I mean, I know I mentioned Tatiana, but I only see her at the Rupert retreat. And Jamie Lee, I would consider a friend of mine, but I never see her.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's not dragging either of us. It's just how our lives are. Ariella, I love Ariella.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's probably your closest.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my close. Thank you. See, this is why I have to write them down.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But Ariella, we always hang out as couples, for the most part.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But she is the one friend that you would probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Hang out with on your own.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. I'm glad. You kind of broke my argument and I'm glad.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I would go to lunch with Ariella.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think she's. And she'll love this.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think she's exceptional. I think she's really very funny and smart and fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And capable, which is something that you need for a female friend.

[Pete Holmes]

She's incredible. I'm dead. I'm dead just even at the word capable.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that. I'm like, I don't worry about Ariella. Ariella worries about me. Like, I'm just like, she's together.

[Valerie]

She's got her shit together.

[Pete Holmes]

Savings and Plan Bs.

[Valerie]

She's really smart and really capable.

[Pete Holmes]

Working. She's in demand. Different companies want her. She's really kind of aloof in that cool way where she's like, I might leave. I might leave.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, you work at Anthropic. And she's like, I'm out of here. That's a fake example.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah. I was gonna say, though, I don't know why this isn't true with Ariella, because I do have more of a sister vibe with her.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you have to either remove the. The sex thing, meaning one of the reasons. And this is funnier. Before you, Brad and Ariella, I was like, I'll never be close friends with a woman. I'll never go to lunch and dinner. I'll never hang out and watch a movie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I never will. Never. Because here's the joke reason, but there's some truth to it. We're not going to just do this the whole way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What? We're just going to smell sandwiches together, eat the sandwich, go all the way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You love each Other go all the way. I mean, there's this thing that you could do.

[Valerie]

Okay, so that's why I like dudes.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I don't want, like, look, I'm not trying to be. I'm from the 80s. There's a way that you make it where you're like, ew. I'm not saying, you know, saying. That's not my orientation.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is. So that is why I will ice plunge and hot tub with. With Sam. And we've done drugs and, like, cuddled. You know what I mean? Like, great.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's as far as we'll ever go. Yeah, but I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that with a girl. And I. I like this about me. I am pretty all or nothing. And I don't want this like, halfway half measure thing.

[Valerie]

But see, I love. And I love the half measure. Like, I love the tension of it. So that's what it comes down to is like, you know, you love smelling sandwiches. I love smelling sandwiches.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to fudge up sandwiches. I want to eat.

[Valerie]

I want to fuck up sandwiches too.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I can't tolerate.

[Valerie]

But this is. But it all comes back to this. Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

No sandwich.

[Valerie]

This is.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just in a room with us. By the way, women are not sandwiches. That's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about.

[Valerie]

No, I'm talking about as men. As sandwiches. We're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but men aren't sandwiches either. And I need to be well heard on that.

[Valerie]

Okay, but your little buns look like a burger. Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

I would love to bite my own butt.

[Valerie]

I know. Um, but I. But, oh, this is a perfect example. So I had. Of how we're different in the same exact way. This is exactly smelling sandwiches. I had chocolate, the Trader Joe's, chocolate covered almonds in our pantry.

[Pete Holmes]

This is smelling sandwiches.

[Valerie]

And I love those things so much. And look, I have a food addiction. Like, if a pizza is in a room, I can't think about anything else.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Even if I've had like, four.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I think the American government is with war. I don't mean to be political, but it's pizza. Like, that helps me understand, like, why do we just keep starting wars?

[Valerie]

Can't stop.

[Pete Holmes]

I just love pizza. Like, whoever the Secretary of Defense is. Is it Rumsfeld? Keep going.

[Valerie]

That was the last time you checked Condoleezza Rice.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I haven't checked since Rumsfeld.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm giving a speech In Congress. But every standing ovation. I don't even know who you people

[Valerie]

are, but checks in Drumsville, Condoleezza, are you there? Anyway, I have the. I, I like to get that. The almonds. And I like to. During my afternoon crash where I really want some dopamine and I really am going low energy, I like to take a couple of those, those chocolate covered almonds and just like have them around 2 o'.

[Pete Holmes]

Clock. I know. And the image in my mind as you're saying this is the Incredible Hulk, not Bruce Banner. The full Hulk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Ripping phone books in half and smashing sinks in a public restroom. It actually upsets me.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm a little full of it today. I feel, I feel I've been feeling pretty great for the past couple of weeks. Who cares? I shouldn't have put a clock on it because then that makes me go like, is it going to get away? I'm just saying it's been a very nice pocket and I love it. Yeah, I like this about me. And one of the things that Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson talked about on Stavros's podcast, which I do recommend. I thought it was a great episode. Really, really funny. Really, really, really. One of the. Really, really. Matt talks about playing board games or something with his friends and that he'll eat three large pizzas.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Over the course of four or five hours, but he'll just eat. And he goes easily. Easily. Easily 4,000 5,000 calories. Easily. Oh, easily. That's pretty good.

[Valerie]

Oh, that was good.

[Pete Holmes]

Easily.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, and you'll say something like, you enjoy. Oh, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. See, I thought you were going to say that you don't enjoy it because I don't like.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, I know. He does do that.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll answer and forecast where he thought it was going to go. Yeah. You got a big old.

[Valerie]

Oh, man, I spilled coffee in my white shirt.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, bro.

[Valerie]

I can never wear white.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, the reason I mentioned being feeling myself and all that is like, I like that I'm the kind of person that will up pizzas like Maddie J. Yeah. And can't un. It like, actually sort of upsets my. You know how the worst thing you can be in my family and the lore of my family, my mom, dad and brother and me, was the worst thing you could be was boring.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No one in my family is boring.

[Valerie]

That's for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

For. And I, I, I'm really feeling a lot of love for my family when I say that, like, we all ace that test. We're all a little nuts, but we're all. None of us are. And I don't like this word. It's a mean word, but none of us are duds.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you're just gonna be like, I have to. You're not the. This way, obviously. But, like, I remember hearing Larry David, who's, like, a health nut, I. I imagine in like a Woody Allen sort of fear of death way. And he's very, very strict about what he eats. And he goes, an indulging snack for him is eight cashews.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, you know, yeah, you'll extend your life. And for what? Yeah, it's like you have more pieces of paper in the book, but what the fuck is written on them? Eight cashews.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Chapter 98 cashews for my birthday. Well, but this book fucking sucks.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, totally. I. Yeah. And I. And I. I like that about you, too. I want to be clear.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I know.

[Valerie]

I'm attracted to that.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not even. I'm. I'm attracted to that in people. Like, I like voracious people.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

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[Pete Holmes]

It's beautiful.

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And then the bugs show up. We made pancakes as a family the other day.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought that was cute.

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What wasn't so cute is we didn't clean up right away. Well, in fact, it took a day or maybe a day and a half to clean up. When we woke up, the whole kitchen was taken over by, like, a planet of ants. Like a whole civilization of ants taking over the house. It's like they had leadership. I think they had infrastructure. Here's the thing. One bug turns into hundreds real fast if you don't deal with it. Which is why I love pesty. Since we started using it, the bugs aren't just, like, gone. They're like, MIA they're like, see you later. And it was so easy. They send you a kit with everything. Pro grade treatment, sprayer, mixing bags, gloves, instructions. And you knock it out in like, 10 minutes. It was so fast reading. It was like, the hardest part. I was like, oh, I'm reading a couple words.

[Pete Holmes]

Bang.

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[Pete Holmes]

Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts why

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

did I search the Internet for answers to my cold sore problem? Now I'm stuck down a rabbit hole filled with images of alarmingly graphic sores in various stages of ooze. I can clear my search history, but I can never unsee that.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't go down the rabbit hole. Amazon Health AI gets you the right care fast. Healthcare just got less painful.

[Julie Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey, it's Julie, Louis Dreyfus from Wiser Than Me Etc. Just popping in with a little reality check. Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill. But that's the destination for about a third of the food we grow. Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost or as animal feed, or in weird soups. All the stuff we did before garbage was invented. But composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the trash because it's easy. And these days we'll take any easy we can get. But now there's something easier. Drop your scraps in a mill food recycler. It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby. It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells. When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. Use them in your garden, pour them in your green bin, or have Mill get them to a small farm so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do. Just like it should be. It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill. If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill.com wiser to get $75 off. That's mill.com wiser for $75 off.

[Pete Holmes]

But I also admire and whatever. I I wouldn't change a thing about you, obviously. But like, yeah, I even like that we're together and that you had to say to me, can you stop eating all my almonds? And I'm just like, why do you have them? We did that with A chocolate bar.

[Valerie]

Yeah, same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

We were taking little nibbles, and I just take it out. I open it up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I leave it on the counter, and I'm like, that'll be gone in 30 seconds.

[Valerie]

Because I love it. That, like, it's just the form that my food addiction takes is that I. I want to savor it. I'm. I'm already playing the tape out to when it's gone, and I feel sad, so I'm just trying to make it last as long as possible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I get it.

[Valerie]

Like, so it's. It's the same route. It's not like I'm healthier. I'm not ate. Cashewsing it. I'm, like, having a love affair with it. No.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you are not. Eight cashews. I just wrote down eight cashews. I'm like, that's got to be a bit.

[Valerie]

That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's great? I've. I've. We've been kicking it. That's part of what's been so great.

[Valerie]

You've been really kicking it.

[Pete Holmes]

Really kicking it. A lot of days where there's, like, nothing going on, and I've been Dracula dead and loving it. And I also notice, like, I'm sort of the rest meter so full that I have to be careful. Like, two days. Two days ago, I was, like, years and years ago, Rich Summer from Mad Men, and I talked about maybe doing a Mad Men podcast, but obviously that logistically, that's very difficult for both of us. But I'm so rested. I was like, that's how I know I'm rested when I'm like, I should. I should tell Rich. We should, like. We should do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, like, but what I've learned, and this is almost over, but it's a real snooze, is, like, you just have to embrace that you're just in a recovery pattern.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But don't make no. No big moves.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're in the recovery pattern. Because I am very close to giving my life to almost anything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? It's like, do you want to host the new Fear Factor? I do say, yeah, move over, Knoxville.

[Valerie]

You do. But it's also the opposite, because I used to said this many times where you, like, make the agreement, you agree to do something while you're up, and

[Pete Holmes]

then you fall through a window. I think that's one of my great contributions to society. Is that quote.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And as I get older, I'm like, the. The one that's Sort of replacing that is. It's not mine, but if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I. I add to that, though. I go, but there's so many things that I go, yes. And then I do them. And that we. We don't have to go on and on. But I did Studio C, which is. We jokingly called it Latter Day. Latter Day Night Live, because it's Salt Lake City, it's BYU tv, and it's. It's exactly like SNL and Rain Wilson did it and a bunch of other

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

great people did it.

[Pete Holmes]

But Rain told me that he was like, you should do it. It sounds crazy, but you should do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Because it's so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so fun. And I went. And that wasn't. I wouldn't say that was a hell yes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's a good example. I was like, it was a yes. It wasn't like, If I had $100 billion pa pa. That would ruin our lives. Like, it's so great to have a need to work. And I was like, okay, yeah, I'll do that. And then I get there, and it was just a joy from start to finish. And Leila got to see me. So it's just like snl. They write these sketches for you. You're the host. You don't do a monologue. You just do four, five sketches. You rehearse them on one rehearsal day. They're all great. All the writers and all the performers are all, like, top tier, hilarious, funny, and also just, like, really good people. The showrunner, Jake and I, like, really hit it off.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, he felt like a family member.

[Valerie]

Well, it's fun. It was funny. There were a couple people there that look like. Looked like you. Like, they could have been a home.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I've always joked that, like, when I go to Utah, I feel like Muhammad Ali, when he went to Africa, which the reason I stopped saying that is it sounds racist. Like, even as I say it, it sounds racist. I just meant Muhammad Ali, for those who don't know, when he went to Africa, had, like, an emotional experience. He was like, oh, my God, this is where I'm from.

[Valerie]

That's all.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I. I go to Utah and I'm like, these. These whites are my whites. Like, I'm like, they're so. I don't know. They just look like me. They look like me. It's that simple. And then my dad did ancestry.com and it turns out we have a ton of Mormons in our. In our blood. So I'm like. Which is great, because if I ever want to do a deep dive with the LDS ancestry app, we'll be covered.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the record keeping is second to none. So, anyway, long story short, loved everybody. I want to name check as many as I can, but Alita, Naomi, Jason. Now, I'm going to feel bad if I forget somebody. Garrett, Everybody was great. If I forgot somebody. Everybody was great. I forgot some people.

[Valerie]

The LDs, Oscars.

[Pete Holmes]

Claire. See, I can't remember if it's there. Claire who got sick. Wasn't it Claire who got sick? Yeah, but she was so funny.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Anyway, what was great about it, we

[Pete Holmes]

were doing these sketches, and, yes, they are family friendly. And during rehearsals, I was swearing a little bit and joking around, and Jake was like, it's fine, but just know the crowd will turn on you. Like, I've seen it happen.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you say ass. Because one of the lines was like, I'm back to regular hot Pete Holmes. And I. And I went back to regular hot Ace. Pete Holmes. Even Ace.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say it.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll lose them. And then we do it. And it was very much like performing at my old Christian college. Like, it was in a similar sized theater, and it was like, kids. Not a lot of kids, but there were some kids. And Jake told me, the audience isn't children. It's like a lot. It's millions and millions of people watch this. And it's not children. They have the metrics. Anyway, what I got to do was these sketches that Leela could watch me do.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it's funny you said that because at one point. Because we watched the dress rehearsal.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

And at one point she leaned over and she was like, is this show for kids?

[Pete Holmes]

So even she doesn't know it isn't. As a.

[Valerie]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Some of the sketch is more.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Shareable.

[Valerie]

Well, that's what's great. It's like, family friendly. Everybody can enjoy, everybody wins. And she loved it. And it was so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

She kept quoting parts of it and after every.

[Valerie]

Because it was the dress rehearsal, which was so much, I think, so much better for her to sit through than the performance because we got to, like, take little breaks after each stage, and

[Pete Holmes]

I could check in, I could wave at her in the middle of the show.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And during the sketch or after the sketch, she would run down and you would, like, let her hang out on the set and take pictures and touch stuff. And they had a little, like, log ride. Thing for one of the sketches where they pulled you in a log ride, and.

[Pete Holmes]

And then she got to ride in.

[Valerie]

She got to ride in it, and it was so sweet. They're just pulling her around a log. It was so sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so fun, and I. I can't wait to do it again. And I loved it, and it was awesome, and it was great to have you guys there. The thing that I wanted to say was there was this one sketch. There were three that were light lifts that I just didn't think twice about. The writing was there, and it was easy. And then there was this one sketch, and it won't ruin it. To step it out a little, I play a billionaire with eclectic taste. And they ran the script by me, and I had some pitches and stuff, which actually made me even more beholden to making it work. But the joke is, I'm a billionaire. I'm dating this woman. This other couple is meeting me for the first time at a restaurant, and I'm just weird. I order weird stuff. I like weird stuff. Everything I say is weird. And we did dress rehearsal, and I'm in this ridiculous bald cap where it's, like, patchy bald. And then I have a toupee on top of it wearing a. Like a. Like a jacket with a cape. And it looks like on the Fresh Prince where Will turned his prep school jacket inside out. It's like that. Like, red wallpaper as a cape. And I have. I literally have a top hat and a cane. And we did the dress, and look, everybody was tired by that point, but it didn't do well. Like, I was doing it, and I was like, oh, no. And it's me. It's hard to explain. It's like, the joke is me. Jake even said he was like, this is a heavy lift. Like, it's all on you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I lost sleep over that. You and I talked about it. You directed me big time. We were, like, literally having conversations about the pitch of my voice. Like, should it be higher? And you're like, I think it should be higher. And this, I hope, for the comedy fans or just people interested in things will be interesting. I was doing it kind of like a hello, hi, wonderful media. And I was like, if you do that big of a voice, the audience unconsciously knows you're stuck in that character.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And they unconsciously want to watch you fail. Like, they don't know it, but there's nothing funnier than watching a guy that's like, well, wonderful table, four legs, and it's not working. The funniest thing that can happen is watch this guy sweat. So we pitched up the voice, made it more like my voice, which I thought was brilliant because it was like, no, this isn't that different from my voice. So if this doesn't work, I can just be me. Like, I'm savable. I thought that was psychologically really helpful

[Valerie]

to me also, though. And I didn't think about this until after. Cause we didn't watch. We just recently watched the Martin short documentary, which is so good. I highly recommend it.

[Pete Holmes]

Which talk about someone who can commit to a character.

[Valerie]

And he said, says even when he's playing all these ridiculous characters, he always finds something human about them.

[Pete Holmes]

True. Yeah.

[Valerie]

And true to connect to. So that. That's also what you're doing by making it similar to your voice.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny that you said that because it wasn't in the script. But I went out and I'm wearing this ridiculous outfit. I had this cane and this top hat. Neither of which I want. They're both cumbersome. They're just awful. So the first thing. You haven't seen this yet. I just threw the cane.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I thought was, like, really important to be like, this guy doesn't care about canes. Also, I'm an enneagram4. I love showing off. I love being weird. And he reminded. This character reminded me of my mom a little bit, too. This sort of like, I don't drink. Like, she won't drink well, vodka. She's like, Tito's. Tito's Martini. Like, she loves specialness. So I tried to find some truth in this guy. I gave my top hat to Jason. I was like, that's for you. I realized I told Leela about this. I walk out and I'm all, walk, walking, wacky. Like it's a wacky walkout. Then I turned and I went, shasta. Like, which is the dumbest. But I was like, we gotta go hard.

[Valerie]

Wait, why? What's Shasta?

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a type of soda.

[Valerie]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I just went, shasta. And it got this laugh. And I realized in the script, this character never says his name. So the first thing I did, I went up to them, the other couple, and I went, hi, I'm Philip. But I spell it with the number seven. And they don't know I'm gonna say that. So they're kind of. You know, they're enjoying it. I mean, the cast members. And then I said the thing that unlocked the whole thing for me, which is Have I shocked you?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

As I went. I spell it with the number seven. Have I shocked you? And have I shocked you? Because this is boring or it's almost over. That became the sketch. I just kept doing the weird things that were in the script. The writers did a great job. And then I would go, have I shocked you? Because that's what rich people are doing.

[Valerie]

That's what they want.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, I have a giraffe. Have I shocked you?

[Valerie]

Yes. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I think I said it five or six times again. It was my anchor. And this is the lesson that everybody can relate to. That's. I'm done micromanaging that sketch. I remembered the feeling when it went well, and it went really well. I really enjoyed it. I went, oh, right. There is no feeling like this without the fear. There's a whole room and a whole tier of feeling, good feeling, joyful feeling that is only unlocked when you go, I think this is gonna tank.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you go out and you. And you turn and you go, shasta. And you're like, if they don't laugh at Shasta, we're toast. We're toast. And then afterwards, in the afterglow of.

[Valerie]

Were you ordering?

[Pete Holmes]

No, bro. It was just no sense. Because this guy says Shasta instead of hello. And that is the Martin short of it. That was me being like, I know what is. I say, party on to people. People I. I love. It's not that that's weird, but I don't want to say what people say.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So once I figured out that, I'll be excited to share it when it comes out. It's utterly.

[Valerie]

I love it. I mean, it sounds great, and you're very talented.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I can't wait to see it.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway. Yeah, that was Latter Day Night Live.

[Valerie]

Latter Day Night Live. And Leela, the. Oh, the thing about, like, the fear makes it better. Leela, our daughter, is about to. She's. She just finished tech week. She's in performance weekend or. Yeah. So she has four shows this weekend of 101 Dalmatians. She's lucky. And a boxer. So not to brag, but she has two parts. She woke up this morning because tonight's her first performance, and she was like. The first thing she said was, I'm so sorry. Scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And I said, everything worth doing is scary.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. And I've been saying a lot to her, and this is something we all need to remember. I go, the. The fear is part of the fun.

[Valerie]

100. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And Rob Bell has 101. 101. He has that same thing where he goes, butterflies are good.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it. It doesn't mean you're going to like them, meaning in your stomach. It doesn't mean you're going to like it. But I had. That weekend was a reminder, like, if I thought that sketch was gonna crush, and it crushed nothing. If I think it's gonna tank. And it does. Well, everything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Leela's nervous, and I'm like, good. The only thing I've made this point a million. So I'll make it real fast. The reason why standup comics are so close and why we're so defensive of our. Of what we do is because they're so. So much fear and pain paid into it, literally. You could take the amount of time I've been anxious, afraid, nervous about my job. It would be weeks of my life if you. If you compounded it, it would be weeks and weeks and weeks of my life. And that's why when I meet Andrew Santino, you're immediately. It's like meeting somebody who shares this very specific microtrauma that you just. It's spaced out over 10 years. Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like when dogs see each other.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. I always go to Pirates, but I'm just like, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

They recognize something in each other.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It makes. I mean, it makes so much sense to me. And even, like, the teensy bit of acting that I've been dipping my toe in.

[Pete Holmes]

I watch Val's short film, and it's so good. Yeah, she's still working on it, but it's so good.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Right. But that was like. I felt so nervous to show you that so much more than anything else that I've, like, written or directed, because I.

[Pete Holmes]

Good sign.

[Valerie]

Because it's so. It's so vulnerable to act.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

And so. Yeah, but that's what I told Lila, too. And I just said, all you have to do is take everything one thing at a time today, and then by the time you're on that stage, you'll know exactly what to do. Yeah, but it's. Yeah, it's cool. I'm. I'm so. It makes me so happy to see our kid. And obviously it makes me happy that it's performing and that it's theater, something that I love.

[Pete Holmes]

But I know we lucked out.

[Valerie]

We got. We lucked out. But just. Even if it was soccer or even if it becomes something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Just seeing her have the. The process of being so lit up after rehearsals that she can't sleep.

[Pete Holmes]

Three, four hours rehearsals.

[Valerie]

She's so excited.

[Pete Holmes]

I said, this weekend we're gonna have a party. This is such. This is maybe cringe parenting. But I was like, lee, you found your thing. And I was like, it's so hard to find your thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this isn't the last final reference to Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson, but he talks about looking for things that animate him. And I was like, right, I can get into that rut of, like, what can I do? What should I do? What are people asking me to do?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he, like, literally is, like, looking for that feeling that Leila gets when she goes to theater rehearsal.

[Valerie]

That was also a great thing in the Martin Short documentary where he says, if you are shooting something and you're having a miserable time and it does well in the box office, where's the success? Actually, like, because you were miserable the whole time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then he's like, if you done something and it showed footage of Captain Ron, he's like, that was a blast to do, and it doesn't do well. Like, that's your success because this is your life.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson adamantly makes the opposite. The opposite, opposite point.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's like, I'm miserable the whole time.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not trying to host a party. And we're all sweating it out and grinding it out and doubtful and not sure. And he goes, I just want to make something I'm proud of the rest of my life. And I love Martin Short. And no, I'm not even gonna finish that thought because I don't even know what it was. I'm just saying, like, I see both sides.

[Valerie]

I see both sides, too. And I do think probably somewhere in between is right, because, yeah, I, I get the value in making something you're proud of. And I really do have, like, high standards and want to do that. But if I'm miserable doing it, there, there has be to to be. I know there is a part of the process that he's not miserable doing. I'm sure he's just, you know, maybe he's miserable on set, but, like, after or before or there's a part of the process that he is lit that is animating him.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I, that's an interesting thing. I think if you said, are you animated during the process? He would say, yes.

[Valerie]

Okay. Yeah. So people's idea of miserable, and to me, miserable is not. You can't be animated and miserable at the same time.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't know. When we were talking about your short film, I think that was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for both of us.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's actually because we were so animated.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I guess that's true. We're engaged.

[Pete Holmes]

Very engaged.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like having, like a very. Like, it's almost like the air becomes cold. We're talking about something so seriously. And frankly, I don't love that feeling, but that's why I'm not a director.

[Valerie]

But that's what I'm saying is that feeling. I know it's. It's awful. And I know it's a necessary part. Like, throughout the process of making something, you're going to have that feeling a few times. But if it was all that feeling, I would not be interested in it at all. But, like, when I making it, it's so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Yes.

[Valerie]

You know, and when I'm writing it, I love it. And when I'm editing it, it's like, the most fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Another thing that I think I relate to Matt is like, we're not even the authorities necessarily on how we feel about things.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so on to the next thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I've also heard him be like, writing is the best part. It's so fun. But then, like, the shooting, you have to completely forget the writing. And then the editing, you have to completely forget the shooting. And it's just like you're just on to the next, onto the next, onto the next. And then you don't even. And watch it. You're just onto the next, onto the next. So obviously there's something that he loves and that we. We love.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Also, that is such a seven. An Enneagram seven.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Thing. And everybody works differently.

[Pete Holmes]

And every director is a seven.

[Valerie]

That's what they say. But I don't care for that quote because I'm a nine and I love directing, but I do throw it like a party. Like, I do. I am the type of director that is really trying to make sure everybody is. Do it feeling safe enough to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So creative and good at their job.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So everybody does it differently.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally.

[Valerie]

That's the lesson here.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Wes Anderson is a one.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Probably.

[Pete Holmes]

So we can relax.

[Valerie]

Yeah. All right, everybody, there's a podcast for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Put it in the podcast. Coffers.

[Valerie]

Coffers.

[Pete Holmes]

Fill up your coffers. And I'm not just doing this to fill up my coffers. All right.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh, Leela. Coffers has started. She's, like, certain she can do a really good British Accent. And she can do a pretty good one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Where she's like, mommy. And I told her once I heard a British kid in the bath or my dad heard a British kid in the bathroom at a urinal say, daddy, I require more privacy. And so I told her that. And so now she likes to say, mommy, Daddy, I require more privacy. And she's like speaking in, I'm walking here. Does she? Yeah, yeah. I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

New York, too.

[Valerie]

But we had a whole breakfast where we spoke in British accents.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I've already seen 101 Dalmatians with a different cast. So after you see it, you'll go, there's a very specific way that only children are wrong in their British accents.

[Valerie]

Yes, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't quite like.

[Valerie]

Because it's like. It's like they don't know how to do it because she'll do that. She says sister, but she'll be like, sister.

[Pete Holmes]

There's certain words that British people say exactly the way we do, but they'll change every word.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, hello, my name is.

[Brett Goldstein]

Hi.

[Valerie]

So they're trying to do British accents in this play.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I'm so excited to see it.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we watching it once today or twice?

[Valerie]

Once. Once today, twice tomorrow, once on Sunday.

[Pete Holmes]

I can do that.

[Valerie]

It's only 40 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm.

[Valerie]

Well, I'm so excited. I feel like as excited as if I were going to see Maya, Rudolph and Omari right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I'm excited to see Leela, but I would lower them expectations.

[Valerie]

I know you said it wasn't as good, but Peter Pan. She was in Peter Pan. And that was fantastic. I loved watching that. Four times.

[Pete Holmes]

It was pantastic. And I'm just saying this is a play for little kids.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

There's no. There's no opera. Look, this is so boring. There's no opportunity for anyone to score big. There's no moment in the story where anyone could score big. It's just Cruella De vil scattered out seven times through a 40 minute play. Seven times.

[Valerie]

Well, there's a reprise, I'm sure. So the lyrics are.

[Pete Holmes]

Changing is just another word for a bad composer.

[Valerie]

That's not true. All musical.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a reprise. Is it reprieve or reprise?

[Valerie]

No, it's. It's. It looks like Reprice, but it's reprise.

[Pete Holmes]

Reprise.

[Valerie]

Anyway, we probably should have. We should have ended this a couple minutes ago, but go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

And I disagree.

[Valerie]

Keep it crispy. You made it with. You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.