We Made It Weird #253

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #253
Date: May 29, 2026
Guests: Pete Holmes & Valerie

---

Episode Overview

In this characteristically rambling and forthright episode, Pete Holmes and his wife/co-conspirator Valerie delve deep into their ongoing explorations of relationships, sex, gender, and friendship. Centering on the awkwardness and complexity of intimate and platonic connection, they riff on everything from TV show pitches to the difficulties of making friends as adults, all filtered through their playful, open, and occasionally “spicy” lens. This episode is peppered with vulnerability, sharp cultural observation, and a hearty dose of irreverent humor.

---

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lightness and “Secret Weirdness” (00:25–03:00)

• Pete cautions listeners: “I wouldn't play this one with your mother-in-law in your Chrysler. Or her Chrysler.” (00:32)
• The tone is energetic, riff-based, with frequent bits about comedian-named car models (Bert Chrysler, Sebastian Honda, etc.).
• The duo jokes about being tired from eating “sandos,” leading to musings on digestion, naps, and God (“I want to be buried in hot Jell-O and just find God in a nap right now.” — Pete, 02:43).

Notable Quote:

“Do you have any idea how good it would be to find God in a nap and hot Jell-O right now?”
— Pete Holmes (02:53)

---

2. The “Miniature Wife” Rant & TV Culture (04:24–07:14)

• Pete critiques the show "Miniature Wife," referencing his near-casting and poking fun at how modern TV pitches are designed for universal appeal (“You could have sold it in ancient Rome... Socrates, why this voice? And he's like, but one of them's three inches tall.” — Pete, 06:36).
• A discussion unfolds about global marketability and the flattening of stories for visibility and accessibility.

Memorable Segment:

• The long riff connecting stories of shrinking/growing people (Miniature Wife, Gulliver’s Travels, Jack and the Beanstalk) and the observations on their enduring appeal.

---

3. Shrinking Women, Sex, and Freudian Fantasies (09:13–12:48)

• Pete proposes that narratives about women changing size are rooted in male sexual fantasies.

  • “That is every guy’s fantasy. My wife is tiny now. My dick is huge.” (09:19)
  • Valerie builds on the Freudian — or perhaps Jungian — angle, discussing the cyclical nature of these fantasies and male desire to return to “the womb.”

• Debate over what counts as sex, with playfully crass hypotheticals and tongue-in-cheek alien analogies.

  • “Is kissing sex? ...If someone puts their tongue in someone else’s mouth, that’s just making out. But if somebody puts their tongue on somebody’s genitals, now it’s oral sex.” (11:07–11:26)

Notable Quote:

“Whenever we're shrinking or expanding a woman, there's always a sex component for the guy.”
— Pete (09:13)

---

4. Sandwich Science, Energy, and Relationship Differences (13:01–15:16)

• The duo explores how food affects their moods differently, with Pete energized by simple carbs and Valerie getting sleepy (“That’s why I’m always lulling you into sandwich places.” — Pete, 15:01).
• Another riff about colloquial terms for passing gas (honked, ripped ass), teasing out small but relatable differences in their communication styles.

---

5. Intimacy, Infidelity, and Desire—Inspired by "Worst Person in the World" (15:21–17:38)

• Discussion shifts to the Norwegian film "Worst Person in the World." Valerie describes the movie’s most “intimate, sexy scene” as involving boundaries and non-sexual closeness with another—yearning for forbidden forms of connection.
• Pete offers a pointed, comedic condemnation of “emotionally cheating” as a blurry middle ground.
  • “If I had to confess something, it would be like, yeah, that's like my dream kind of night.” — Valerie (17:28)

Notable Moment:

• Pete’s mock outrage on emotional cheating: “Eat shit, have some courage and leave your partner. Yeah, what if I just take a photo of your asshole?” (17:04)

---

6. Friendship Philosophy: “Takes” Over Questions (21:49–26:19)

• Pete reflects on his current journey to make friends as an adult, with a special focus on how comedians (and many others) bond through hot takes instead of questions.
  • “If you just say, ‘gorgonzola is way better than blue cheese’... now we’re talking. Have a take.” (22:57)
• Valerie identifies this as a key difference in friendship styles: some people need questions; comedians — and Pete — thrive on riffs and opinions rather than the back-and-forth of curiosity.
• Both note the risk: hot takes bond or repel much faster, making compatibility obvious early.

Notable Quotes:

“The risk with takes is you will find out faster if you don’t like each other... Let’s flush the toilet and see if the pipes work.”
— Pete Holmes (25:46)

“It is somebody doing the work for you in a nice way...all you have to do is worry about how you feel about things and then tell me.”
— Valerie (25:17)

---

7. Mandates, Adult Friendship, and Gendered Expectations (29:06–35:40)

• Pete compares finding male friends in adulthood (“mandates”) to dating, noting the parallels in nervousness, compatibility, and even emotional labor.
  • “A good man is hard to find. I’m not even joking... my credentials are exactly, not kind of like, exactly the same as a straight woman looking for a man.” (29:07–29:31)
• They identify shared relationship values: emotional intelligence, ease, humor, authenticity.
• Pete admits most of his closest friends have been women, but notes that straight male-female friendship is complicated by sexual tension (referring to “Drinking Buddies,” a film on ambiguous attraction among friends).
  • “Lesbians are the great loophole. ...I have a woman, which is everything I ever wanted in a man. But sex has been removed.” (32:14–32:19)

Insights:

• Pete describes the “lesbian loophole,” where friendship with lesbian women is absent of sexual tension, making it easier for him to connect.
• Conversation turns to how attraction, desire, and platonic intimacy are rarely simple or clean-cut.

---

8. Gender, Attraction, and Platonic Dynamics (35:35–44:14)

• Debate about sex and friendship, exploring whether men and women can truly be platonic, and how early experiences (like having siblings) shape one’s expectation for opposite-sex relationships.
  • “I have so many male friends that I’m not attracted to, but I can recognize they are attractive. ...I think it’s because I have a older brother.” — Valerie (38:28)
• Pete confesses embarrassment at how “a woman has to become a full person in my eyes” to not be sexualized, acknowledging the imprint of patriarchal thought while not defending it.
  • “That’s what’s embarrassing... I see her as a full person.” (40:12)

---

9. Social Realities of Adult Friendship (45:40–48:47)

• Living in a small town, Pete describes adult friendships as a hilarious sitcom scenario where people try to set him up on “mandates” (“I hear you’re going on mandate”). (45:41)
• The discomfort of social setups, and the awkwardness of declining friendship “dates,” is likened to dating—complete with ghosting.
• Valerie notes the limits of “dance cards” for introverts: “their dance cards are two or three names” (41:09).

---

10. Memory, the Mandela Effect, and Perception (49:06–53:33)

• Pete relays a Matt Johnson observation on the Mandela Effect: memories make “useful” sense more than accurate sense (e.g., “Luke, I am your father”).
• They marvel at how perception can deceive—scissors cutting “water” that’s really paper—using this as a metaphor for how people’s minds invent consistent narratives.
• Conversation extends to the impossibility of perfectly controlling others’ perceptions.

Notable Quote:

“No one is seeing reality exactly the same. ...if you try to control that, you’ll make yourself insane and you won’t succeed.”
— Valerie (51:51)

---

11. What Is Sex? A Comedic Taxonomy (53:54–62:38)

• Extended riff on what “counts” as sex, from tongues to genitals to orifices, making a faux ranking (penis and vagina, anal sex, oral sex, etc.).
• Pete and Valerie debate the male-centric definitions of sex, pointing out the arbitrariness and cultural baggage (“Sex is a bulldozer. Sex is a wrecking ball going into a building.”—Pete, 57:23).
• They playfully push for a more inclusive, less hierarchical understanding: “Penis and mouth, mouth on vagina, penis and vagina are all number one.” (59:21)

---

12. Scissoring, Stereotypes, and Sensuality (66:06–68:01)

• The pair switches to lesbian sexual stereotypes, riffing on why straight people imagine “scissoring,” and comparing it to straight stereotypes like 69.
  • “Scissoring is to the lesbians as 69ing is to straights.” — Pete (66:42)
• Discussion of how eroticism, sensuality, and intimacy mean different things to different groups, leading to playful banter on what is considered “holistic.”

---

13. Final Reflections, Nonduality, and Sensation (63:23–65:41)

• Pete connects the topic of sex to Buddhist concepts of “one taste,” suggesting that distinctions between sensations are products of the mind.
  • “There’s this concept in Buddhism that I am obsessed with... called one taste. ...At the end of the day, you could just say sensation and sensation.” (63:30)
• Valerie tries to keep up, admitting the abstract thinking is a bit challenging in the moment.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That is every guy’s fantasy. My wife is tiny now. My dick is huge... She’s finally cowering at his very small penis because she’s tiny now.” — Pete (09:19)
• “I could allow that. ...No, I don’t want to be on record saying I could allow that.” — Pete & Valerie, parsing hypothetical open-relationship dynamics (17:55)
• “A take is a question and it’s a gift. I’m telling you how I feel and it’s implied, like, you understood.” — Pete (23:44)
• “A good man is hard to find. I'm not even joking.” — Pete (29:07)
• “Lesbians are the great loophole. ...I have a woman, which is everything I ever wanted in a man. But sex has been removed.” — Pete (32:14)
• “No one is seeing reality exactly the same, and you are lucky when you find people who get close enough. ...if you try to control that, you’ll make yourself insane.” — Valerie (51:51)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Miniature Wife TV Rant: 04:24–07:14
• Shrinking Women/Freudian Fantasies: 09:13–12:48
• Food, Energy & Relationship Differences: 13:01–15:16
• "Worst Person in the World" & Intimacy: 15:21–17:38
• Friendship Philosophy (“Takes”): 21:49–26:19
• Mandates & Gender Loopholes: 29:06–35:40
• Memory, Mandela Effect, Perception: 49:06–53:33
• What Counts as Sex?: 53:54–62:38
• Scissoring & Erotic Stereotypes: 66:06–68:01
• Nonduality & Experience (“One Taste”): 63:23–65:41

---

Summary Tone & Takeaway

True to the promise of “secret weirdness,” this episode is a candid (and at times, delightfully over-the-line) exploration of the strangeness underlying intimate and social relations. Pete and Valerie are both probing and playful, not shying away from self-critique, embarrassment, or the odd punchline at their own expense. The conversation is frank about male sexuality, the challenges of adult friendships, and the quirks of perception—in both relationships and memory.

Listeners come away with a sense of the ongoing negotiations in long-term relationships, the pitfalls and joys of seeking new adult friendships, and a reminder that all of us, in big and small ways, are weird. As always: keep it crispy.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What is happening? I loved this one.

[Valerie]

What a great one.

[Pete Holmes]

What a great. Really fun, really light, kind of, kind of a little spicy. I wouldn't play this one with your mother in law in your. In your Chrysler and your Chrysler or her Chrysler. A comedian line of cars. The Bert Chrysler.

[Valerie]

Oh my God. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

Sebastian. Honda, Scout.

[Valerie]

Toyota.

[Pete Holmes]

Toyota. Toyota doesn't work. Tig Naval though. Nataro sounds like a Japanese motorcycle.

[Valerie]

Yes, it does.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, we're glad you're here. The riffs are better. We're just done. We left it all on the court.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You want the good riffs.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Don't judge it on.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't judge it based. This is the intro.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Be more suspicious of a episode that has a great high hot spot.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Because we're trying to win it back in the intro.

[Valerie]

This one is like, look, the episode's good, so don't even, don't worry about it. Just skip it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get to it. I do want to say I am not for Everybody is on YouTube right now and I'm so happy that people are finding it. Also, the hour that I taped after that is also on YouTube. That one's called Silly silly fun boy. So there's now two specials, full specials on YouTube. Fu. I'm also going to be in Aspen, Colorado on June 10th. That's coming up. And then the 11th, 12th, 13th, I'll be in Denver. And then we'll be back at the Largo on June 17th. The rest of the dates are on PeteHomes.com. just if you're nasty. North Carolina, South Carolina, Portland, Maine, Vancouver, San Luis Obispo, Madison, I board myself. Seattle, Portland, San Diego. That's all of them. That's it. And my book spells to cast on your parents is available for pre order now. Would mean a lot if you bought one. If you think you're going to buy one, buy one ahead of time because that helps.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Helps, helps. The algorithm.

[Valerie]

Algorithm.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for being a boy. We're tired. We really gave it all.

[Valerie]

You know what? We, we, as we mentioned in the episode, we horked down some Sandos and

[Pete Holmes]

now the Sando's have caught up with us.

[Valerie]

We were out running them the entire episode.

[Pete Holmes]

We were.

[Valerie]

And then we stopped for a second. We were like, I'm digesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I want to be buried in hot Jell O and just find God in a nap.

[Valerie]

Oh, we're gonna make that happen for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have any idea how good it would be to find God in a nap and hot jello right now?

[Valerie]

I definitely have found God in a nap before, and I'll do it again right this second.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, there's not a lot of non dual talk here, but when I'm almost asleep but I'm still awake, that's the best time to, like, take a look at who you are. Okay, here we are, Valerie, get into it.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hi, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus here, and I can't wait for you to hear our new episode of Wiser Than Me with Cyndi Lauper on Amazon Music. Cyndi may be a girl who just wants to have fun, but for 40 years, she has brought playfulness and a dash of punk to some serious activism. We talk about her lifelong LGBTQ advocacy, her astonishing music career, and pick up a whole lot of wisdom along the way. Listen now, only on Amazon Music included with Prime.

[Valerie]

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your do, that's your due.

[Valerie]

I didn't think about it. I just went.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. Find the fresh. Be a shaman. Be a woman shaman.

[Valerie]

A woman.

[Pete Holmes]

A showoman.

[Valerie]

A Shaw woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Shaw woman now on Bravo.

[Valerie]

Is Bravo still kicking?

[Pete Holmes]

Helen Hunt is the Shaw woman.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Shaw woman shaman. I went on a big tear about the Miniature Wife at the show last night, and I really loved it. I think we're just gonna post it, really. Can I tell you, I was making fun of it. I auditioned for the Miniature Wife. That was one of the biggest. That was your note. You gave me the note. If you don't know what the Miniature Wife is, they got the most talented. This is in the rant. The most talented man. Tom. Whatever. The guy. The guy who played Tom.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

On Succession.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Liz Banks. I love, too. And I just think it's kind of weird that they're in this show that is, like, very clearly, to my eye, a show that's like, we need something that they'll watch. The whole world will watch. So you need something that's like, makes sense with the sound off.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I being too much of a bitch about this?

[Valerie]

No, I just. I love the boldness. I mean, I just think, like.

[Pete Holmes]

You think. Because I, like, met with the producers and the directors and got very close to being in it and was almost in it. Was going to be in it.

[Valerie]

No, no, not. I mean, that. That's why you feel this way. Is that what you're finishing that thought?

[Pete Holmes]

No. That I shouldn't want to squander those relationships that everybody that makes any show is a good person working hard at something they believe in. And I'm like, isn't it weird that. I'm just saying maybe they would agree though. It seems very clearly a show that could be good. I haven't seen it out of spite. I got a card. Reasons for not watching. I checked. Spite.

[Valerie]

Yes. And that was all the only option.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Yeah. Okay. To be more three dimensional and not just in my. Yes, I would say that. Yeah. I know the. I met with the writers. They seem like great, nice, wonderful people. And I'm sure they're aware as people out there selling shows, that one of the considerations is will people in China understand this show? Like, will they watch it? And what. I could be wrong, but what seems appealing about a show like the Miniature Wife is it doesn't matter where you are.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In the world. This show that. This show. You could have sold it in ancient Rome. Well, they're bedfellows. Go on. Socrates, why this voice? And he's like, but one of them's three inches tall. You'd draw quite an amphitheater.

[Valerie]

I mean. Yeah, we've been doing it at least since Jack and the Beanstalk.

[Pete Holmes]

J and the Bee.

[Valerie]

J and the Bee.

[Pete Holmes]

Gulliver's Tease.

[Valerie]

David and Goliath.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not quite right.

[Valerie]

Okay. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you went with that.

[Valerie]

I was trying to think of an older version.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it. There are giants in the Old Testament. Goliath. Did you know my weird, boring. Jump off a cliff before I can even say it. Goliath fun fact. No. Well, here's a cliff. Get running, cuz I. I am chasing you with a Goliath fun fact.

[Valerie]

Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

That Goliath, they found like after the Bible was like printed. It's my understanding that they found like older versions of the David and Goliath story in the Bible. I believe he's like over 8ft tall. Then they found some older ones that were like. This dude was like Michael Jordan. It's like, I don't know.

[Valerie]

He was like 7ft 7.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a guy you might see at the airport.

[Valerie]

That makes a lot of sense because people were smaller back then too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, people were miniature wife size smaller. Why did people live hundreds of years? Let's look at the Samaran texts.

[Valerie]

That's right, because people lived hundreds of years and then they. Then the lifespan got even shorter than it is now.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, no disrespect to the Bible, but maybe that was their way of being like, don't take this too seriously. Moses was 700 years old. Like, maybe that was their way of being. Like, this is this. That's the genre.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like putting a laser gun in the story. You go like, oh, it's laser gun time.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly. But then we found out science fiction, baby.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is like pre science fiction.

[Valerie]

Yes, it was the first science fiction. Possibly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I, you're, you're. See, you're being as bold as I was being about the miniature wife.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't want to work with Christians. You want to work with people who make shows, so.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true. But I, I, but I didn't say anything that bad.

[Valerie]

No, you didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I just said, I just was. I just said, I'm sure the people that made the miniature wife had other ideas that were like, you know, grounded or whatever it might be. And the stuff that seems to be getting made is stuff that you could watch with the sound off on an airplane and be like, this guy's having a hard time getting a hold of that tiny wife.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I, Yeah, I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

But what I said last night, and I'd like to put to you is whenever we're shrinking or expanding a woman, there's always a sex component for the guy. Like when we. And I do think we're going to post this, I did it last night. I was like, that is every guy's fantasy. My wife is tiny now. My dick is huge. And I was going, who's the micro now? And he was pulling down his pants. Then he was fucking the window of the dollhouse she lives in. And it's enormous. She's like, look at it now. That's his dream. He finally got it. She's finally cowering at his very small penis because she's tiny now.

[Valerie]

It's proportional, I don't think.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is what I am putting to you. When I see the, you know, the attack of the 50 foot woman. That old movie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go right to like, imagine how big those boobies are. Or I could go all the way in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I could just live in there.

[Valerie]

Finally climb up in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Classic Freudian mama. It would be a lady who's my mama. But I'm a man and it's sex now. It's not birth, it's sex. And I live in there, but in a sex way. Not a baby sex.

[Valerie]

But isn't it all, bro, kind of go back to being a baby back in the womb?

[Pete Holmes]

Remember when I was stoned and I was like, it's so weird that sex is only the penis into the vagina. I know. Or the. But there's other stuff and I understand.

[Valerie]

I love that you're.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the butt.

[Valerie]

Those are the only two.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the butt. Well, okay. I'm an alien. What is sex? Go. I'm going to be teleported up in five seconds.

[Valerie]

It's the body sharing pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

Body sharing. That means. Is kissing sex.

[Valerie]

Well, is it? I know.

[Pete Holmes]

This is one of.

[Valerie]

We just had this conversation when I was stoned. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought it was a hoot.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm bringing it back.

[Valerie]

Okay. I see. This was the conversation you were talking about, like, where it was like, it's kiss. Remember? We.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if. If someone puts their tongue in someone else's mouth, that's just making out.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But if somebody puts their tongue on somebody's genitals, now it's oral sex. Yeah. And. But it still is sort of like,

[Pete Holmes]

who is making this rule? I know, but I get it because it's now we're look. And I don't want anyone playing this in their barbershop out loud. I'm just kidding. I was trying to say. I'm not trying to just be crude or shocking for shocking sake. I think it's actually an interesting conversation. And when I say genitals are, you know, it's rough. It's. It's. It's more intimate. Which is the polite way of saying it's a. It's a box of chocolates. You don't know what you're going to get for scoop.

[Valerie]

But so is a mouth, bro. I think it tastes bro.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're tasting your own mouth all the time. And there's no taste that your mouth can make that my mouth hasn't made. Like, I've never. You don't really have bad breath. That's one of the. Welcome to Pete's tips for a great relish. What have we covered in the past? One morning person, one evening person.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even the evening person, but a late afternoon person.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm gonna say you should love the way they smell. I've said that a million times. But I love. Sorry to be cringe. I'm sorry, is this a little sus. Is this a bit of a flex to say

[Valerie]

what is happening to you? This is also.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in a great mood.

[Valerie]

This is also a difference between us, actually. I feel really great too. But I was thinking this before we started the podcast because we, like, honked down, horked down sandwiches.

[Pete Holmes]

I like saying Honked.

[Valerie]

I like saying honk, too.

[Pete Holmes]

We honked ass for ran fast. And it means fart. But I'm trying to get it going. Rip. He ripped ass across the yard.

[Valerie]

You're right. I say ripped ass because of you.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I want to make that.

[Valerie]

Because I do think there's something to like. If you're picturing somebody running really fast, don't you kind of picture them with, like, a cartoonist, cartoonish style, like, cloud. No, I was. Well, yes, cloud. And also, like, cut out on their butt from their pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut out on their butt from their pants.

[Valerie]

Cut out.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut out their pants. Cut out.

[Valerie]

Cut out the butt of their pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut out of the butt of their pants.

[Valerie]

No, cut, like, picture cutting out the butt of their pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's gone.

[Valerie]

It's gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, because they ripped.

[Valerie]

They.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he ran so fast, he tore

[Valerie]

the fabric, the ass of their jeans.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that. I wouldn't have gone there, but I love it. And also, if I said he ripped across the yard, you would go, oh, he ran fast. Yeah, he ripped ass. I'm mixing hauled ass and ripped.

[Valerie]

That's what's happening.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you say ripped ass, and you think I'm weird for thinking that means ran. Yeah, I don't. I know you mean fart.

[Valerie]

I would never say that for the record.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

I would never say ripped ass for fart. That's insane.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, God. Who ripped ass in here?

[Valerie]

I would never.

[Pete Holmes]

Who ripped ass?

[Valerie]

You would never.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, go on. What were you saying?

[Valerie]

No, we like each other's smells. What was the. What was before?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, cringe, Sus.

[Valerie]

Oh, just like the. Yeah, kissing is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I was doing something weird, and you were like, this is what I don't understand.

[Valerie]

Before, we were. Yes. So night person, morning person. This is also how we're different. When we horked down sandwiches, I was like, I already know just how different we are. That this will light you up and it'll make me sleepy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Simple carbs are a real trick for me.

[Valerie]

They really. And it does the exact opposite for me. I start getting, like, gooey.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. That's why I'm always lulling you into sandwich places. What I do with my lovers, I lull her into a sandwich place, get

[Valerie]

her a big Dutch cut. She sandwich.

[Pete Holmes]

I get a dun crunch.

[Valerie]

A Dutch crunch. Crunch Sandwich.

[Pete Holmes]

A Dutch crunch. Dutch crunch Crunch.

[Valerie]

But that's why it is all sort of arbitrary. Ish rules. This is why one of my favorite scenes and what I would say is the sexiest scene of any movie is in worst person in the world. It was so painful for me to see this scene because I was like, I could.

[Pete Holmes]

I should have written Steal it. That movie had subtitles. Steal it and bring it to America. But steal it and bring it to the average movie viewer. No one has seen that movie.

[Valerie]

Yes, they ate his academy award nomination,

[Pete Holmes]

but guess who didn't see it? Everyone that's not in the Academy.

[Valerie]

No, nobody saw it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. We're cool people. We smoke cigarettes. We smoke cigarettes and have red wine with breakfast. We're cool. I see Javier Bardem and I wave with my eyes and he returns it. We're cool. We're cool, guys. You're a guy, right? We're cool. That is genderist.

[Valerie]

Genderist.

[Pete Holmes]

Sexist. It should be genderist.

[Valerie]

It just sounds too similar to generous.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on. But dick and vagina.

[Valerie]

No. Worst person in the world where they like, she meets the guy. She has a boyfriend. She meets the guy at the party and they like really have a palpable attraction. And then they spend the night together doing like the eve. The rest of the party, like doing all these like bside things where it's like, we're not kissing. We're not.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, cuz they're seeing other people.

[Valerie]

Yes. And it's like, can I bite your shoulder?

[Pete Holmes]

Can I smell your armpit making my vagina moist? I mean, I get it.

[Valerie]

Can I watch you pee? Like so all these other ways of being intimate that aren't yet on the agreed upon.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say, as someone who's been cheated on, fuck all of you guys with your little. What if I. What if I just smell your nipple? Eat shit, have some courage and leave your partner. Yeah, what if I just take a photo of your asshole?

[Valerie]

Leave your partner. Because like, sometimes you, you know, need some of those intimacies and you don't dislike your partner.

[Pete Holmes]

Something to tell.

[Valerie]

No, I don't. But I. I guess that, yeah, if I had to confess something, it would be like, yeah, that's like my dream kind of night.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. That's not news to me.

[Valerie]

I know you know that.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you did it, I. I could, I could, I could. I don't want to be on the record saying I could allow it. Well, let's. I don't want to be on the record. I don't want this playing.

[Valerie]

But can we cut out. I don't want to be on the record of that in just. I could allow it, but I did.

[Pete Holmes]

I said I don't want to be on record saying I could Allow that. So you could just.

[Valerie]

Just say, I could allow that.

[Pete Holmes]

I could allow that.

[Valerie]

I could allow that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I love you more than anything, but that is. That's a real. But we also talk about what a jealous ninny I am sometimes.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but you're not really jealous of, like, my attractions and boys and stuff. You're more jealous of my intimacies with girlfriends.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Which is a good sieg. I hate when people say sigma.

[Valerie]

Do you mean segue?

[Pete Holmes]

I know people say sieg instead of segue.

[Valerie]

No, they don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, they do. It's awful.

[Valerie]

That's insane to me.

[Pete Holmes]

It's awful.

[Valerie]

I've actually never. If I could. Knew what they meant.

[Pete Holmes]

It's an old comedy. I've heard it in old comedy. Like a good sieg between the. I was gonna say something awful.

[Valerie]

Do you. Between the butthole and the vagina.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it a taint?

[Valerie]

Yeah, a good sieg.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a good sieg for you.

[Valerie]

Is. Do you say homage or homage?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I say correctly.

[Valerie]

Which. I honestly don't know which one.

[Pete Holmes]

Homage.

[Valerie]

That's what I say too. If you say homage, pay homage to. People say that, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Homage. Yeah, homage.

[Valerie]

He was paying homage to.

[Pete Holmes]

Who says that? An ogre you met in the woods.

[Valerie]

Daniel.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

Hey, it's Julie. Louis Dreyfus from Wiser Than Me, et cetera. Just popping in with a little reality check. Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill. But that's the final destination for about a third of the food we grow. Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost or as animal feed or in weird soups, all the stuff we did before garbage was invented. But composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the trash because it's the easy. And these days, we'll take any easy we can get. But now there's something easier. Drop your scraps in a mill food recycler. It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby. It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells. When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. Use them in your garden, Pour them in your green bin or. Or have mill get them to a small farm so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do. Just like it should be. It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill. And why I'm still obsessed with my mill. If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill.com wiser to get $75 off that's mill.com wiser for $75 off

[Pete Holmes]

Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts it's been

[Valerie]

a long, bumpy road dealing with yet another bladder infection and driving to the pharmacy to pick up meds.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

I went over a pothole and a

[Valerie]

little pee came out.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

So now I get to stand in

[Valerie]

line with pee pee pants.

[Pete Holmes]

Next time, skip the pain and get fast free delivery. With Amazon Pharmacy, healthcare just got less painful.

[Valerie]

I'm Dr. Susan Swick, a child psychiatrist and the host of Talk About Able. This season I'm talking with parents and experts about how we tackle the everyday challenges of raising kids. We'll get real about those pebble in the shoe issues we all face as parents and how to build resilience and community through our own experiences. Talk About Able Season 2 from Lemonada Media in partnership with Montage Health and their Ohana center for Child and Family. Mental Health is out now.

[Pete Holmes]

Bro, I forgot. So I'm working on a joke right now about friends, right? And a big part of this podcast of late has been my journey into friendship and attempting to make friends for real. Like in my small town. One of the things I think is really funny about that is. Oh, before I get into that, the reason I brought it up is we've talked about this. Have takes people that ask questions. I love you guys. I love you question askers. You're beautiful people.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's your favorite kind of cheese? Yeah, that's so fun for most. It's very sweet. It's sweet for all. It's fun for most.

[Valerie]

And there are lots of people that I know whose love language is that, like, oh yeah, who are they? And they are tracking. They're like, we had an entire dinner and that person did not ask me one question. Question about myself.

[Pete Holmes]

I know who you're talking about and that's a lot of people and I ask questions. But I, I prefer to do and I prefer to have done takes. And we've talked about this. If you just say gorgonzola is way better than blue cheese. Why is blue cheese without. Where's gorgonzola dip?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

With the wings. And then I would go, Gorgonzola is like blue cheese. If it got exposed to gamma radiation. It's way too much. Now we're talking.

[Valerie]

Yes. This.

[Pete Holmes]

Have a take.

[Valerie]

This is exactly the key difference. This is one of the ways that I quickly learned that Comedians are friends. And comedians aren't the only ones like this. In fact, I have friends where this is our relationship too. Yes, but it isn't asking a question to then get a response. And then that person asks a question, and then you give a response. It's, I have a take. It makes you say your take, and then that makes me say another take. And then you, like, you're only. You're saying statements. You are not asking any questions. To ask a question would be to, like, throw off the entire thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you. Because a take is a question, and it's a gift. I'm telling you how I feel, and it's implied. Like, you understood. Sit. You understood.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying here's my take. What's your take? Well, there's something that happens in my throat that feels like a retreating motion, like a. Like an animal scurrying backwards into its hole of origin.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When someone goes, what's your favorite coffee in town?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Me just even saying that as a fake example makes me hate the person. I was not hate.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I would just so much rather be like, you know, coffee connection is underrated. Why aren't we going there? And then I would say the ambiance. It's not great. I don't like the parking.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then go, so how much? And then I'm open to a question. So you're like a parking guy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a parking guy. Yeah, I'm a parking guy. Now we're laughing. Now we're laughing because you. You caught me being something.

[Valerie]

Well, it is somebody doing it is somebody doing the work for you in a nice way that I also. I code switch based on the type of friend that I have.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you do.

[Valerie]

And I love it where I know when I have the question asking friends. Like, let's just ask.

[Pete Holmes]

I watch you do it, and I marvel at it.

[Valerie]

But I also have the friends where I know if they're gonna get, like, talking to you or friend Ariella, like a lot of friends, where they're just gonna give me takes and so I don't have to ask them any questions.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

But. And that does feel nice because it's somebody saying, like, you don't even have to ask me how I feel about things. I'll just tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's beautiful.

[Valerie]

All you have to do is worry about how you feel about things and

[Pete Holmes]

then tell me and the risk with it. I love it. Was I present enough for that? Yes, because I loved it. You really stuck the landing.

[Valerie]

Did I. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I did start thinking about the next thing I was going to say, and I don't want you to feel naked and afraid.

[Valerie]

I feel okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good. Oh, I forgot what I was gonna say. No, the risk with takes is you will find out faster if you don't like each other. Well, yeah. Let's flush the toilet and see if the pipes work.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's fucking get this done.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Woody Allen. Great. Great to know.

[Valerie]

I mean, I. I agree, because Woody Allen. I can think of examples recently where I, like, hung with a newish person. And they had so. They had so many takes that I, like, didn't agree with that I actually still liked them because ultimately I agreed. Like, I've. We've met on the level of, like, isn't it fun to have takes?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Like, I. But I'll also be a sneaky out the other side of my mouth. And if I. If you give me five takes and I just don't agree with them, I won't.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not with, you know, I'm not spitting you out of my mouth. We've just kind of figured out, like.

[Valerie]

No, I think that is true.

[Pete Holmes]

You love hiking in the morning.

[Valerie]

Yeah, in this one. In this one example, I like hiking in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

I hike with you. I. But, you know, you and I, when we first started dating, it was like, do you want to, like, stay in the hotel and eat pancakes? And you were like, yes. And I was like, oh, great. And I took out a gigantic marker and checked a huge box on the wall, 100%.

[Valerie]

As did I. I mean, like, food and TV. If you don't want to do that. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that would be a good one. If someone's like, I just don't. Food is fuel. If you said food is fuel to me, I'll spray real fuel on you and light it on fire. Like, I can't. I can't be with a food as fuel person.

[Valerie]

Also, if you say, I don't own a tv, then I'm like, gotta go. I just gotta go. Godspeed. And also, congratulations.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't eat. I don't live to eat. I eat to live.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I live to get the. Away from you. I hate this. I'm gonna go eat something. I'm gonna go eat something. I. I tried that Larry David only eats 8 cashews thing on stage. It only. I'm gonna try it again.

[Valerie]

I saw you try it at the Comedy Store. I don't know so fun. Yes. Okay, you guys, it turns out Pete Holmes is very good at comedy. I never sit in the audience and I got to stay in the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

And watch this. And you were so good. And you kill duck.

[Pete Holmes]

I love all that.

[Valerie]

After Jay Leno and you like there, people were making sounds that were previously unheard, undiscovered sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what a comedian is. It's an archaeological, Archaeological dig for sounds you didn't know you could make like that. I want it. I want it. Give me all the sounds. Give me the re.

[Valerie]

Rip Ass in his shows don't work.

[Pete Holmes]

Rip ass. That's the great. It's like farting in a Japanese restaurant. I, I've heard that's a compliment. I'm not going to try it. I thought that's what you guys did. It's like a Danny McBride character. I thought that's what you guys did. No, it's a Larry the Cable Guy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Larry the Cable Guy.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And don't be ashamed of our past. There was a time that's what comedy was and we liked it and we wanted it.

[Valerie]

There was a. It was also a Guy Fieri heyday. We wanted Guy Fieri and Larry the Cable Guy. And I think a lot of America still does.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. The people who haven't seen that movie. Thank you. So anyway, it turns out that going on friendship dates are exactly like going on dates.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which means it's the worst. There's things that are nice about it. I've enjoyed meeting new people. Listen to how I'm going to say to you right now in earnest. A good man is hard to find. I'm not even joking.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And my credentials are exactly, not kind of like exactly the same as a straight woman looking for a man.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I said to you recently, I don't know if I respect what he does enough.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like something like that. That's a fake example. But like, what they do. Are they funny? Do they like me? But not desperate? Are they cool? I need. Well, that's another Pete Val relationship tip. Like, I, I, I'm embarrassed to admit. The economy of our love. How much of it is imports, exports. I'm just kidding. Is you just liking what I do and like authentic. And I know a lot of comedians or I've known, and most of them are not with those people anymore. Where it's just like it's a burden or whatever. Like, you come and you laugh. That's what comedians tell me all the time. It's like Val comes and like, just laughs. And enjoys the show and still enjoys me. Like, you think if you lived with David Copperfield, you'd be like, can you stop making my breakfast disappear? Like, it would stop being cute.

[Valerie]

But it is.

[Pete Holmes]

And I am the Copperfield of comedy.

[Valerie]

It's. Yes, you are. Yeah, but that is so sad, because it is who. It is you. It is who you are. It's not all of who you are. But if I stopped liking your comment, oh, my God, that's me. Stop, like, not liking you completely.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So going on these mandates and. And some of these guys are. Are, you know, in winners. I like them. I like them. I get a little nervous when I'm like, do they like me more than I like them or do I like them more than they like me? Basic stuff. And then we started talking about, like, we want emotional intelligence. We want ease. We want to be. Talk about everything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk about everything. Be, like, smart and smart and interesting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, not. Not in a burdensome way, but, like, like, you, obviously, I say something to you. I go, which cereal is which president? And we're laughing and we're talking. Yeah, but that's a cheat. That's a game. You can play a game with most people, but, like, that's just how we connect.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you were. The joke was, how many men meet all of those? And we were like, it's zero. It's zero percent.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good man is hard to find, which is why I've made my foray into the lesbian community.

[Valerie]

Yes. You found the loophole.

[Pete Holmes]

I found the loophole. As we talked many times. I. I don't. I don't even defend this position, but I wouldn't go to coffee with one of my straight friends alone. Girlfriends.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean, there's a couple exceptions, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, there's a couple exceptions, but in general, I. I don't. We've unpacked that in the past.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Lesbians are the great loophole. The. The. When Harry Met Sally. Sex always gets in the way. Sex always gets in the way. So men and women can't be friends. They're always going to want to be thinking about sex. Yeah. Lesbians. Okay, Now I have a woman, which

[Valerie]

is everything you ever wanted, which is everything.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a woman, which is everything I ever wanted in a man. But sex has been removed. And I wrote this down. I didn't do it last night, but I either. They want to have sex with me, a girlfriend, and we're getting close. Like, we watched that movie with Jake Johnson.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Drinking buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so good. And I was like, yeah, this is why you're not friends with fucking beautiful women. What is this? What's your. What's the sequel to this movie? Don't Eat Fire. It's like a fucking giant heavy guy on a. Having coffee with a donut. Oh, we just love talking about sports. The donut loves sports.

[Valerie]

It is so funny. Fucking cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

Shut up.

[Valerie]

That I watched that movie and I'm like, this is so good because it's showing the nuance of like. Like, even when you're in love, you. You're not cutting yourself off from attraction. And, like, it's so tricky how people are and how we have desire. And there's no really good, clean lines or answers on how to deal with it. It's just. It just is, like, there's no. Like, what I love about the movie is there's no lesson at the end. There's no, like, moral to the story. Yeah, it's just like, this is complicated. It's complicated. The. The, like, desire and relationships and all of that is just so tricky. And you took away, like, there is a moral, and it's. Don't be friends with beautiful women.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, but 100%, that is just like an old Greek. What is it called? A morality play. So the movie is Jake John, Jake Johnson, who's so great in it. Brilliant.

[Valerie]

So good.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's in a relationship with Anna Kendrick.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, he is.

[Pete Holmes]

He is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a hard time the whole time keeping. Because every scene with the other woman, he's just acting like her boyfriend. So I just keep going, oh, they're dating. And then it would show him with his girlfriend. I'd be like, oh, they're dating. I. I am Valerie. This podcast exists for one reason. It's. It's my truth that I don't even defend.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it's right or good.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But that movie was just like, this is what happens when you eat nails, you have spike shit, and you tear up your colon. That's all it was. It wasn't even that nuanced to me. I was like, yeah, he doesn't like his girlfriend that much.

[Valerie]

He does.

[Pete Holmes]

No, he doesn't.

[Valerie]

He ends up with her.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoops.

[Valerie]

I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoops, a doodle.

[Valerie]

He does. I think we see that he does in the end when he, like, kisses her and because she's. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're not going to talk about it. We probably haven't seen. But it is just funny that it's Like, I. I. To me, it feels like death to make it so black and white. Obviously, I'm making it black and white in. In practice, in our relationships. But like, but like, in my own mind to be like, okay, so I am expected to cut this off, this whole part of myself off, this desire. The, like, the. The part of me that sees the scene in Worst Person in the World and is like, oh, my God, that sounds like a dream night of my life. Like, I have to just be like, no, it doesn't. That is bad. That's eating nails. Like, like flicking a rubber band on my wrist.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't want you to do that.

[Valerie]

I know you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, what I'm describing isn't my strategy for you.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my strategy for me.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not even like, the horniest person in the world.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is the movie called? I'm not even the horniest person in the world. I'm. But okay, so what I was saying with my now wonderful lesbian friends.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That in true lesbian fashion, we already call each other our best friends.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we. You hauled that quickly.

[Pete Holmes]

We. You hauled that friendship.

[Valerie]

Yes. I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

And what I love about it is in a straight female friendship, they either don't want to have sex with me. I'm sorry. They either do want to have sex with me, which is a threat to my entire life, literally a nightmare that I have. What. What do I do? What am I going to tell my family? This. This because I wanted good time. We. We feelings. And then two. Or they don't want to have sex with me, and that hurts my feelings. Men are bullshit.

[Valerie]

But what about this?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I can't handle either. So I'm just like. It just needs to be evaporated.

[Valerie]

But what about the. The option of. Forget the option, because I know you don't believe in it. And I. Well, I guess is that, like, they don't want to have sex with you because they don't want to ruin their life or yours? Like, there. You know what I mean? Like, it's like not one or the other. It's like you could be even. Like, I can. I can see how you are attractive. I could even see how if I met you when I was single, then I would. Maybe we would date or something. But that's not the case. So we're not. I. You know what I mean? Like, I guess the part that I'm taking umbrage with is you're like, either they do want to have sex with Me, and then I'm gonna ruin my life. It's like, well, they could want to have sex with you and you could want to have sex with them and no one does anything about it. And it doesn't ruin your life until

[Pete Holmes]

you're snowed in a hotel.

[Valerie]

But that's not gonna happen. And even then you could control yourself. I know people who have been in situations like that and control themselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Who.

[Valerie]

I'm gonna give their names right now after the ads.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. I understand. No, I, I, you're. That's a, that's a helpful light to shine on my reasoning here. What I have is a useful, outdated, oversimplified.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Highly tuned security system. I'm like a weird guy. I'm like, selling life insurance.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, you know how many trolley cars go off the rails each year?

[Valerie]

Yeah. I also remember now I made this good point when we were talking about this, like in the car the other week, that I think you would feel differently if you had a sister because.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

I, I have so many male friends that I don't, that I'm not attracted to, but I can recognize they are attractive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And I think it's because I have a older brother. So I, I have like a neuro groove for another type of relationship you can have with the opposite sex.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Where I'm like, yeah, you really can just be friends and it can be totally platonic and you relate to each other in this way that has nothing to do with attraction.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. Yeah. I just got a little spidey sense that I was like, oh, there's something embarrassing. I don't feel embarrassed. I'm like, we're getting closer to, like, what is my actual issue here? And it is kind of like there's like a door and I'm like, I think if I look behind that door, it's something really embarrassing.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't think you need to be embarrassed or ashamed. I, I think this is like a how. I think this is why it's so helpful that you're honest about this. Because I think this is a thing that men think. But the truth is, is there, there is a little bit. It kind of goes back to miniature wife or giant woman. You're just thinking about sex. It's like, yes. Because in the patriarchal society, we see women and we can just say, my society, we just think about sex. So you're just seeing a giant woman saying big boobies and you're having dinner with or, you know, with A. With a girl. A straight girl. And you're like, boobies.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. I think to trans. So think of Ariella, who always comes up at this point in this conversation. So Ariella is my girlfriend, our friend who's a girl. And I like. She's so funny. She's gonna love this if she hears it. She's so funny and interesting and impressive.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That I. Those things push out the clouds of sex.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, you see, this is what's embarrassing.

[Valerie]

A full person.

[Pete Holmes]

I see her as a full person.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it turns out. Spoiler alert, all women are.

[Pete Holmes]

Get over it.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Get over it.

[Valerie]

No, I never will, ladies. Never.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Fine.

[Valerie]

But okay, I did. I did sort of derail us, because I do think that is an interesting part of the conversation and something to, like, look at again. No shame. This is, like, where men find themselves constantly. But I didn't mean to derail it. I love the lesbian loophole. I think you should.

[Pete Holmes]

No, lesbian loophole is amazing. And then one of the things that's a little painful is I'm realizing, like, if. If certain relationships aren't full fits. You know what I mean? Like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I literally start going, like, do I have to, like, ghost this person? Yeah, ghost somebody. But that would be exactly what would happen when you went on a couple dates with somebody.

[Valerie]

Well, especially for introverts who are like, their dance cards are two names. Two or three names.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Where it's like, you've been seeing these, like, all these different. Going on all these different man dates. Now you found two lesbian friends that you love.

[Pete Holmes]

That I love.

[Valerie]

And you're like, well, those are two of the dance cards now.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think of them as one entity.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. So you're like, there's actually something that's a joke. Somebody has to.

[Pete Holmes]

We're always all three together.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true. You're like, I have to bump one. Because an extrovert like me will go like, great.

[Pete Holmes]

I have. I have nine friends.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Oh, my God. This is real black and white. I'm glad we're talking about this. It's a little. It's a little neuro. Spicy. It's a little introvert. It's a little anxious. It's like. But it's very black and white. It's like addict thinking. It's like, I already have one. One of the lines I didn't do was I was like, what am I gonna ha with a girl? I'm married. Yeah, I already have one like that. But that's real. I. I Again, I don't defend that. I don't rationally believe that, but that is what a voice in me says. Like, I already have cuteness and sweetness and all the vulnerability and all that, but then I hang out with guys and I do find myself wishing that they were just more like women. All through college, all of my best friends were girls.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you know that.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I. You are a girls.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a girls guy. Although I make sense.

[Valerie]

You do. You are. So. It's tricky to place you because you're so 50. 50, actually, because you are hyper masculine in. In ways that, like, you've just described all of the black and whiteness and the neuroses of that and the strong opinions about what you should do and what you shouldn't do. Like, all of that is so masculine that it's like, yeah, you need some rough comedic comedian friends who aren't going to be offended that you didn't ask them a single question during that dinner. But you also are so emotionally intelligent, so emotionally evolved, so sensitive, so soft, so easily, like, wounded that you need women who understand that. So, yeah, like, a pretty, like, butch lesbian is your exact. Which is what I've always said, is that I'm gay for you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love him. Yeah, you are gay for me. And, yeah, the other thing I wanted to say on this issue, and thank you for everything, all those kindnesses.

[Valerie]

It's my perfect blend.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate it.

[Valerie]

I'm an Arnold Palmer, and you are an Arnold Palmer. And I want to say, even though, as you talk about the. Even as we're uncovering the. Oh, it's because we think of women as sexual opportunities first and then whole people later if they prove themselves. Like, that's, of course, an idea that, like, you're not defending, but it is. It has arisen in you. And, like, even the part of me that's a little like, ooh, that's fucked up. Is attracted to that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a fun, fun.

[Valerie]

I just am saying, even if everybody

[Pete Holmes]

needs a Valerie, that just goes like, you know how you always barge into rooms and say nine things that you shouldn't.

[Valerie]

It just.

[Pete Holmes]

I just love it.

[Valerie]

So true. I'm not even trying to make.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. If you were trying it, I don't think it would work. I don't think you could fake. It's like pretending to like oysters. You either like oysters or you don't.

[Valerie]

And. And I'm sitting here imagining. And I think, this is beautiful. And I would love to be friends with a Man like this, but like a man that is so not neurotic, not neurospicy. Very woke, very aware, very open and saying things like. Yeah, there's just, like, nuance to attraction. And of course, like, even if we. I'm in love, I'm gonna still have that part of me that, like, all the things that I'm saying, I'd be like, that's so cool to be that way. And I'm not gonna feel any sort of thing in.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I was saying, like, there. The way that I can be a jealous, sensitive ninny when it comes to you. That is the. The other side of the coin of being so into you and being so excited about you and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. So the thing I was gonna say that I think funny is because we live in a small one chemtrail town. When the word got out like a. Like a. Like a sitcom. Literally like a sitcom. Like, Joey's looking for guy friends. Like, I. When you live in a small town, it kind of is like a sitcom.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say at least three, maybe four or five. Three or four times people would say to me, I hear you're going on mandate. Like, it was, like, kind of going around town. I'm not saying this.

[Valerie]

I was running my mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you. No, I knew it was you. It was coming from you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then what would happen? And I'm not saying this. Putting anybody down. Somebody would say, like, wives would be like, you know, my husband is also. Doesn't have any friends. Like, it's an epidemic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, there's a lot of, like, good guys.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, that are looking for friends and have no friends. And I'm one of them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And so I made it very clear. And then you started spreading the word. And then another weird thing that's sort of like a peril of going down this path is people. Maybe you're stoned, and maybe you're at some sort of outdoor event and you're very high, and someone says to you, like, you know, my husband's looking for. And you know, their husband, and you really like them, but you're not feeling, like, called to that. And you have. It's just like dating. It's exactly like someone trying to set you up on a date, and you're like, I don't think I want to be set up right now. I'm looking for, like, organic stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to meet the right guy, and I'll just know when I know. Like, it's so. Exactly. Dating.

[Valerie]

It is really funny how. Yeah. And that it's. I mean, it's almost even trickier because it's not. It doesn't have the inherent. Like, obviously, I'm looking for one person and one person only. So it's almost even worse because it's

[Pete Holmes]

like, you could date as much. You could have a whole harem.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And friends.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't, though.

[Valerie]

No. I mean, I can't either. I sign my. My eyes are way bigger than my stomach. Like, I sign up for way more than. And then I end up, like, letting a lot of people down because I wish I could be their best friend. But I.

[Pete Holmes]

You said something brilliant to me today because there are people that. I'm like, okay, I'm friends with this person now. I like this person. And my friend Oren used to say this when I was dating. He was kind of coaching me when I was dating, and he gave me good advice. He was like, don't just go to dinners. Don't just go to dinners. Like, you're just sitting across from a person now. You're just, like, interviewing each other. He's like. I don't know if he said, like, go on a hike or go see a show or like, something together. I've been socially. And then I say the R word. Don't say it.

[Valerie]

Spicy.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been socially spicy. Why did I say that? That just made everyone else think it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I apologize. But I've been socially. Should I edit that out?

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Just. You're making it a thing. It doesn't have to be a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just. Ever since the whole mini wife thing, I. The part I left out was like, did he. Does he put her in his mouth?

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

With her little head sticking out and she's just like. I just go right to the sex implications.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a Richard Gere gerbil. Gerbil.

[Valerie]

Gerbil.

[Pete Holmes]

Gerbil.

[Valerie]

What was that? What? That wasn't real. I. I just was like, that's not real.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole world just decided, let's spread that one.

[Valerie]

How bizarre. That's like a simulation theory thing. Like, how bizarre. What was that based on? Somebody just started that and then it really spread. Like, poor Richard Gere.

[Pete Holmes]

Believe.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it Because Rear and gear is gerbil in your butt. By the way, Matt Johnson, Canadian filmmaker who's obviously a fave. And I love everything he did. The Tony trailer, whatever. We've talked about it. Yeah. I just think he's fantastic. He had this great thing where he was like. It was on the Stavros podcast, I think he was like. When people go, nelson Mandela died in prison. Yeah, I remember that. Like, no, he didn't. And people go, oh, we're living in a simulation. He's like, the. The human mind makes memories that are useful. So it'll take something that you heard or you misremembered, and it'll go. That makes sense. He was a freedom fighter. He was fighting for political change. He probably died in prison.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it locks it in. And he goes, luke, I am your father. And he goes, that's not the line. The line is, look in your heart, I am your father. But he's like, your brain wants to make a clean memory, and it needs the whole story, so it makes it, luke, I am your father. That's a story. Who's talking? Luke? Well, it's Darth Vader, but he's saying, luke, I am your father. Who's talking to.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's like how we're. You fill in the gaps of, like, letters missing when you're, you know, in that reading. We're just doing that constantly.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything I saw, I briefly. Don't judge. I was on a film set. I was shooting something, and I was juiced up. Dopamine, tons of dopamine. Who cares? I installed Instagram and was just looking at some reels, and one of them was. You've probably seen it. It was a faucet running. You hear the. And the caption is proof your brain doesn't see reality. It only projects something on top of. Based on what it's seen before.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And then a pair of scissors comes into the frame and cuts the water, and you see instantly that it wasn't water. It was a strip of. Of paper.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it plays again, obviously, because it's a real. And you can see it was always and only ever a piece of paper. But you swear, I knew I saw cascading water for real.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's just what we're doing.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why. Like, when you're on mushrooms. But. Or if you're just deeply present in other ways, you notice all of the stuff. Stuff that you. Of course, it's not just an expression. I never noticed that. You really haven't. You didn't. You've never seen it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You've never seen your kitchen table.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Not. Not appropriately.

[Valerie]

Right. Well, and that's the other. That's the problem with, like. And it ultimately is a relief because you have to surrender this like trying to control people's perception of you, which is something that I majored in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, I. You have your PhD and my PhD in this. And it is impossible because no one is seeing reality exactly the same. And you are lucky when you find people who get close enough. And this is why it does feel so good when somebody does seem to really see you. But it also is like. But I'm gonna say something inevitably, that this person will have a whole lot of baggage around, and they're going to interpret it totally differently than I intended. And if you try to control that, you'll make yourself insane and you won't succeed.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you mean it's gonna happen?

[Valerie]

It will happen. It's a given. You won't be able to. And trust me, if anybody has gotten close, it's me. And I still can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

To keeping, like, never saying the thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Upset somebody.

[Valerie]

Yeah. To just always be completely understood for my intentions and. And to know. To be able to control how people see me. Like, I. You just can't do it because people come in with their own. Filling in their own gaps.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's why when we talk about, like, when you audition for something and you don't get it, actors will always be like, you probably looked like the ex husband of the casting director.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is so true.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't done a lot of hiring or casting in my life, but it's. It's rigged. It's such a scam. You're meeting with a showrunner and he reminds you of the guy, the neighbor who, when your shoelaces got caught in the gears of your bike, ran over and stopped you from falling. And you hire this guy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's got curly hair in a tan.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

But I mean, like, you kind of can't help it. You saw the Running Water.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you've never seen the paper. This has been.

[Valerie]

You've never seen the paper.

[Pete Holmes]

This has been. You've never seen the paper.

[Valerie]

Paper or water. Do we have any other threads? I can't even.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. What is sex?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. What is.

[Pete Holmes]

We've talked about this before that when I was in junior high, we learned about sexual assault. Not trying to be funny. And then I just do a horrible routine.

[Valerie]

What are you.

[Pete Holmes]

No. The definition of sexual assault is any orifice being penetrated by any other digit or. And it says item. It lists examples of thing. And we were like. And I know I've said this on the pod before, but a wet willy Technically, is sexual assault or picking somebody's nose. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm just saying what we saw in. I know. I've always hated wet willies. In fact.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you take. If you were like, the funniest thing to me is a wet willy, I'd be like. Like, you're in the way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not building the future I want to live in because we're in domed cities where everyone has a billion dollars. Like, I live in utopia. You're putting your saliva in somebody's ear, you fucking anarchist. You're a fucking nihilist. Donnie.

[Valerie]

Of course it's Donnie.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought that was from Big Lebowski.

[Valerie]

Oh, he. Donnie's not a nihilist. But isn't he talking to Donnie about the nihilist?

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't he go, they're nihilists? Don't. No.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Anyway, what is sex? French kissing. We're saying in our. Very loose. In our new definition, it's very weird

[Valerie]

to put a tongue in someone's mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, not just a tongue, a projectile. Like, what do I mean? Something that projects off of you like a dick.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's your mouth dick.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a thing that you can put in things that most of the time is hidden. Oh, because it tastes food. It's not a dick. Yeah, it's a dick.

[Valerie]

Or just that it.

[Pete Holmes]

It has no seed.

[Valerie]

This is what I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

It has no seed.

[Valerie]

This is what I mean by that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a pregnancy thing.

[Valerie]

It's that it is a pregnancy thing. And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, it's not a. It's a. It shoots blanks. It shoots nothing.

[Valerie]

I know, but the fact that it's. What's interesting about it is that it's arbitrary and we all have these general agreed upon rules, like, because it really should be. Sex is only something that could get you pregnant.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Like it should be. That makes the most sense.

[Pete Holmes]

The Puritans were like, well, sex is the act that leads to the baby.

[Valerie]

Yes. And that actually is the closest thing that makes sense. But we are like, no, it's. It's having an orgasm.

[Pete Holmes]

Anal sex is definitely sex sex.

[Valerie]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, anal sex is the close. It's the. Is the tie for first.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think it is a tie. I. I mean, I. If anything, it's somehow more.

[Pete Holmes]

And then oral sex. Woman. Or you know what I'm trying to say.

[Valerie]

Woman.

[Pete Holmes]

Oral sex involving a penis is number three. This is what sex is. One is penis and vagina. Two is penis and anus. Three is penis and mouth. I'm sorry. It's like the Tesla makes the top three best selling American cars. I'm sorry, they're all Tesla. I'm sorry, they're all penis and I could be wrong.

[Valerie]

Well, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I am wrong.

[Valerie]

Well, yes. I mean, lesbians are having sex with.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not. This doesn't. This. These could be millimeters to each other. I don't mean number one is peanut butter, number two is yogurt.

[Valerie]

But it is just.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's offended. Offensive.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's exactly the male gaze. Like this is. We know. Men only think that sex.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that sex is a bulldozer. Sex is a wrecking ball going into a building.

[Valerie]

Like it is what men think.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't defend these opinions.

[Valerie]

Okay. I know how many times. You don't have to get defensive then. I'm just telling you what's wrong with the opinion.

[Pete Holmes]

That was a bit about you. That was a bit yell. It really was.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Feel my pulse. Feel my pulse.

[Valerie]

Is that sex?

[Pete Holmes]

That sex. That can be quite sexy.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. Listening to a heartbeat.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's. Okay, we're saying listening to a heartbeat, measuring someone's inseam. Those are like 49, 50. And just to keep it. So we're saying digital manipulation. Let's get lesbian sex in there.

[Valerie]

Yes, please.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll even make number one cunnilingus. How's that?

[Valerie]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

That's number one, though. You feel good about that?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna submit, you're gonna submit the top 50 things that are sex and number one.

[Valerie]

No, I would.

[Pete Holmes]

Cunnilingus.

[Valerie]

I would say this. This is my honest truth.

[Pete Holmes]

I better hear dick and vagina right now. I'm just kidding. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

I would say yes. Penis and vagina.

[Pete Holmes]

Is tied for.

[Valerie]

Is tied for. Is tied for. I would say penis and vagina. Cunnilingus. Blowjobs. Tied for first.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they're all tied for first.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like trying to like solve a major geopolitical crisis. Like, this is not easy. It's gonna get. It's gonna be hard to get the fellatio people to the table on this one.

[Valerie]

That. That, that doesn't count.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I'm just joking. I like this. Okay, so I think that's. I think a thing three way first is good. And I think I'm going to just to say it in an even better way. Penis and mouth. Mouth on vagina. Penis and vagina are all number one.

[Valerie]

Yes. I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the gay men are in there. They're represented. Because I have to. I have to imagine.

[Valerie]

Okay, you're right. I think that then what. I think we have to add anal sex into the first one.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we're not even making a list. We're just saying.

[Valerie]

Well, that's right. I think making a list is stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. I understand you. I feel like a fucking Gen Xer that you just walked through the woods and there's Timothy Shalom. And he goes, fuck your list. And I go, we don't need a list. But it is.

[Valerie]

But I didn't realize. I understand. I'm not against putting it in a list. I'm just saying I don't know how to put it in a list because those things are truly equal to me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say this. What's more interesting to me than what are the top three? Because everybody can disagree. And, you know, I'm down with the lesbians. Like, I want my best friends to be represented in this list. I want them to be thrilled with this list. And gay men. I have many. What is the virtue? Signaling. I'm just saying.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want everyone to be happy with the list.

[Valerie]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm more curious with where, like, French kissing has got to be like number four. We don't know what number one, two, and three are. Yeah, but French kissing is sort of sex.

[Valerie]

That's what you're like sucking a.

[Pete Holmes]

A toe has to be on there. Like, toe Latio.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm. I didn't mean to. I don't want to shake.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't yuck. Somebody else. I don't want to. I don't want to kink shame.

[Valerie]

I don't want to kink shame.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

Thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen that in adult films. And it's. It. I. I don't. I don't think it's. It's got to be two girls.

[Valerie]

Here's the thing. I totally understand it.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't want anyone licking the guy foot.

[Valerie]

I. Yeah, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't want to see a guy licking a girl foot. It's got to be two girls.

[Valerie]

It's. You know what? I feel really bad because I know that is a common kink. And I. And I just want to say I got kinky, too.

[Pete Holmes]

The people who feel bad.

[Valerie]

Grossed out. Out.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's. That was your miniature wife.

[Valerie]

I do feel bad about it. Yeah. Miniature toe.

[Pete Holmes]

I. When you did that, I don't think you were shaming others. You were just. You were Just kind of letting us know it's not your favorite.

[Valerie]

I don't think it's objectively gross.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me that.

[Valerie]

It's just not. It's not my thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Kissing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean. I know what you mean. It's. I think really, we've made our point, which is just.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Now we're just gonna get into, like, more fringe things.

[Valerie]

Yes. My.

[Pete Holmes]

I think chewing on an earlobe.

[Valerie]

The old only point is really, we're not making a statement. We're just saying, isn't it interesting that putting a finger or a penis in an orifice is set more sex than putting tongue in a mouth? A tongue in a mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

In a mouth. It's hard to talk about this, but it is just another entry.

[Valerie]

Your mouth is the genitals of your north body.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the queen of my heart.

[Valerie]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

The mouth is the genitals of your north body. Everyone has a face. Vagina or just a face? Entry. Entry.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Entry.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone has a face. Out. Tree.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The tongue. And we're just. It's not rude to look at it.

[Valerie]

I know. We look right at it.

[Pete Holmes]

We look right at it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we also put other stuff in it. That's pretty kinky.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, I'm gonna kiss you, but let me finish this salad.

[Valerie]

I know. Very irrelevant.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a thing going on with this salad. And food. Oh, my Jesus.

[Valerie]

Eating is. We've had. Eating is sex.

[Pete Holmes]

So sex we've had. The food is on the list now. But it's like if you really are an alien and you're not in a human body and you're looking at this, it's like they. Some people put body parts in their openings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And why pleasure? Pleasure centers. And sometimes they put inanimate things in their. In their openings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why pleasure.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like. So those are the same. If you want to get into the field of awareness.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Ever so briefly, everything is the same. There's this concept in Buddhism that I am obsessed with. This is almost over everybody. But it's like. It's called one taste. And one taste means you in your mind distinguish between a feeling and a sound. But at the end of the day, both are. You could just say sensation and sensation. Known. Yeah. Known sensation. When. If you. You should get stoned and think about this. Everybody listening. If that's something you do, don't try it because I said it. If it's not something you do. But it's a great thing to experiment with. When you're in a relaxed state of any kind, you just go like a sound is just the information. And then the mind goes. That was a sound. You hear a bird, but it was just the knowing of something. Something we don't know. And then it gets a little bit cleaner when you go a smell of cinnamon and the taste of cinnamon. One of the. One of them is just like kind of like a more intense version of the same fucking thing. It's fucking nuts. Yeah, I can see I've lost you.

[Valerie]

No, I'm trying to stay with it. I get it. I mean, I do understand it.

[Pete Holmes]

Before the next thought appears, you are present and aware. Can you handle that?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you handle that?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Before the next feeling appears.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've hated where I ended this.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I've hated where I ended this.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Why? You don't know what it's like. My spiritual beliefs are like showing someone your balls.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so rare to meet someone that's like, can I see your balls?

[Valerie]

Yeah. But then you do. And one of the friends that you have is female that you can talk to about this. So I'm just taking it back.

[Pete Holmes]

Tatiana.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Valerie]

I'm just taking it back to that. That you can like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. But that's a bottle relationship. That's a. That's a honor retreat relationship.

[Valerie]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

That helps my neuro spiciness. I'm like, you are retreat friend. You are not girlfriend. You're retreat friend.

[Valerie]

Yeah, no, I. I know. I. I love it. It's. That is very cool. And there are people who are listening to that that are like, yeah, hell yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I know it's got to be 0.5% though. We're glad you were here, everybody. I've really crashed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm at like a zero. You can ask me something you would have asked me at the beginning. I'll give you a totally different answer now.

[Valerie]

What did we ask?

[Pete Holmes]

My chemistry is completely different.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't remember the beginning, so I guess I crashed harder than you.

[Pete Holmes]

Lesbians don't scissor. Thanks for being here.

[Valerie]

I know which to me nobody and nobody's docking to me the not scissoring. I'll say it here's here. We'll done something crispy. I think that's. That's insane. And I think if I were, I would definitely do that because I'm always trying to bring dry humping back. And that's essentially dry humping. It's just not dry.

[Pete Holmes]

It is humping yeah. That's pretty high on the list. Scissoring. I think that's why scissoring is what straight people think lesbians are doing.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure some of them are doing it, I think.

[Valerie]

Why? They aren't.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't my new lesbian friends. I think scissoring is to the lesbians as 69ing is to straights.

[Valerie]

That's so interesting to me. And 69ing to the lesbians is what missionary is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. God, I hope they're out there just gloriously 69 all the time. It is kind of. It's like somebody's in, like, an inner tube. Like, you're just seeing the lower part of an inner tube. You're just seeing. What if you swam underneath someone and it's just that. Yeah, it's just the main event. So there's no. The main event, so there's no. It's not very romantic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or what do I mean? It's very erotic, I think.

[Valerie]

Well, that's because men have a different idea of eroticism than women generally.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

It's not very sensual.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not very intimate. It's very.

[Valerie]

It's very intimate.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not very.

[Valerie]

See, I. To me, erotic and sensual point to, like, holistically sexy. The full senses.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

The whole.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not very holistic. Yeah, it's very holistic.

[Valerie]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it crispy. Once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Listen to how I'm singing it. It's like, with no affectation.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead.

[Valerie]

That was close to real singing.

[Pete Holmes]

Forehead. You have to say it again.

[Valerie]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Yes, you did made it weird. Yeah.