We Made It Weird #258

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — We Made It Weird #258 (July 10, 2026)

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Episode Overview

This lively and intimate episode features Pete and his wife Valerie in a classic "We Made It Weird" Friday catch-up. The pair dig into themes of body acceptance, sexual wants and fantasies (prompted by a new book Valerie is reading), shame, interpersonal dynamics, the rhythms of their family life, and hard-won self-awareness. The conversation swings with the couple’s signature blend of humor, candid vulnerability, and philosophical meandering, making for a blend of the comic and the deeply personal.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Summer of Charles & Bodily Delight

• Pete coins “the Summer of Charles” (02:30) as his personal mantra for being laid back and celebratory, riffing that he’s channeling a fictional stoned guy named Charles.
• They jokingly reenact the joy of someone exclaiming “Absolutely, absolutely!” when seeing their partner’s body. This sparks a discussion about affirmation and the importance of being adored by at least one person.
  • Notable Quote: Pete: “Everybody should have at least one person love their body that way.” (04:40)
• Valerie shares how Pete always reacts to her changing clothes, making her feel seen and cherished.

2. Sexual Fantasies & the Book “Want”

• Valerie is reading “Want,” a compilation of women's anonymous sexual fantasies, edited by Gillian Anderson (X-Files, The Crown).
• They discuss the origins of the clitoris/penis in fetal development and joke about design oversights and visibility (“It was like a Japanese puppet show, but the scrim never lifts!” — Pete, 12:45).
• Pete jokes about being threatened by the book’s female-centric sexuality, but with self-awareness and affection.
  • Notable Quote: Valerie: “One of the through lines of these people’s fantasies is... wanting their bodies to be worshiped.” (21:38)
  • Notable Quote: Valerie: “It’s so purely human that we have these wants, and... there’s nothing performative about it.” (25:16)
• Discussion on Shame and Expression: Gillian’s book notes how many women only reveal these desires anonymously, underscoring how taboo and shame-laden sexual wants can be (36:24).
  • Valerie: “So many people wrote about how these are—the reason these are fantasies is because they don’t have the courage to even express this to anybody else.” (36:27)
• The pair break down the overlap between men and women’s fantasies, the “cookie” dynamic (giving/receiving), and how fantasy offers a safe, shame-free space for exploring desires.

3. Comparing Male and Female Fantasies

• Pete admits his fantasy archetype is stumbling upon a city of women who exist for his pleasure—a “secret harem” or “sexy city with bosomed women” (31:13).
• Valerie affirms that many traditional male fantasies are part of the shared collective imagination, echoed from mythology to pop culture (sirens in “The Odyssey,” hip-hop skits, etc.).
• The two agree that power, submission, and the desire to be wanted cut across genders, despite cultural differences in how they’re presented or judged.

4. Shame, Courage, and the Marketplace of Desire

• They explore “courage gaps” between what people want and what they’re willing to ask for, with Pete admitting he filters his real desires even in private conversation (37:39).
• Valerie notes: “That’s why... pornography is such a huge marketplace—because... fantasies and sexual courage rarely align, for anyone.” (36:01)
• Discussion moves to cultural scripts around shame and the risk of vulnerability in asking for what one truly wants.

5. Food Rules, Family Rhythms, and Rigidity

• Pete shares a recent “flare up” about clean eating inspired by Michael Pollan’s “Food Rules.” He praises Valerie’s “genius” response:
  • Memorable Moment: Valerie: “This will end. Try not to say anything that you can’t walk back and enjoy it.” (42:44)
  • Pete: “You are the best. You’re like the man in the yellow hat who... captured George and put him in a zoo. You give me those balls with the holes filled with leaves, and I’m entertained. And I start going like, my new ball is Michael Pollan. And you go in, ‘Shh,’ and then you go out of the cage and have relationship...” (43:02)
• They talk about family visits, the cyclical “sine wave” of getting too tight or too loose in their routines, and giving permission for things to get goofy and inconsistent during family gatherings (49:57).
• Discussion about their daughter Leela and balancing dietary and screen time rules with making good memories.

6. Intergenerational Patterns & Compassion

• Pete recounts a revelation after spending time with his father, seeing how stress and work grind him down, and understanding how context-dependent his dad’s warmth can be.
  • Notable Quote: “If you put the wrong things in those slots, you get the wrong guy.” (61:39)
• The importance of context—learning to distinguish when someone’s stress or pain is being projected versus when you can connect.
• Drawing parallels between his own “tunnel vision” (work focus) and his father's, Pete shares how seeing his dad out of work mode reveals a generosity and playfulness otherwise hidden.
  • Memorable Moment: Valerie: “...there is space for compassion.” (64:52)
• The emotional weight, shame, and learned rigidity from childhood are explored, with an exhortation to do the hard work of feeling anger/sadness before “jumping to compassion.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Body Affirmation:
  • Pete: “Everybody should have at least one person love their body that way.” (04:40)
• On Sexual Fantasies:
  • Valerie: “One of the through lines of these people’s fantasies is... wanting their bodies to be worshiped.” (21:38)
  • Valerie: “It’s so purely human that we have these wants, and... there’s nothing performative about it.” (25:16)
• On Shame and Fantasy:
  • Valerie: “The reason these are fantasies is because they don’t have the courage to even express this to anybody else... let alone ask for it from their partners.” (36:27)
• On Rigid Patterns:
  • Valerie: “This will end. Try not to say anything that you can’t walk back and enjoy it.” (42:44)
• On Parenting and Intergenerational Dynamics:
  • Pete: “If you put the wrong things in those slots, you get the wrong guy.” (61:39)
  • Valerie: “...there is space for compassion.” (64:52)
• Comic Moments:
  • On their merged dynamic:
    Pete: “You’ll never find a better example of two people that have absolutely merged. Like an Afghan. I’m going north to south, you’re going east to west. And it’s one blanket.” (09:09)
  • Valerie on Pete’s self-awareness:
    “You are so smart... That’s what I was just like, we’re about to have friends over... I was just like, we’re gonna have this fun summer weekend. And so we will be like, doing things that we don’t usually do...” (51:07)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:24 – 01:30: Banter about mouth sounds, bodily functions, and “the Summer of Charles”
• 04:00 – 06:00: Importance of being worshiped, body positivity, “absolutely” riff
• 10:07 – 12:00: Affirmation, “absolutely,” prevalence of body acceptance themes
• 13:10 – 16:00: Discussion of the book “Want,” anonymous female fantasies, and cultural messages
• 21:22 – 26:00: Worship fantasy, overlap of male/female wants, book’s revelations
• 31:00 – 36:00: Male fantasy archetypes, concern about public sharing, shared desire for being wanted
• 42:19 – 44:50: Pete’s “Michael Pollan” incident, Valerie’s “This will end” wisdom
• 49:57 – 54:00: Family dynamics, food rigidity, and balancing rules with play
• 54:39 – 59:35: Visit with Pete’s father, differences when stress is absent, emotional resonance
• 61:39 – 66:28: Tunnel vision, self-awareness, “slot theory,” and childhood echoes
• 66:44 – 71:17: Navigating family triangulation, context of reactions, stress projection, closure

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Tone & Style

• Warm, irreverent, honest, and playful—true to Pete Holmes’ comedic style with lots of spontaneous riffing, marital inside jokes, and candid emotional revelations.
• Culturally attuned and self-reflective, not shying away from embarrassment or awkwardness but elevating it to window-in-on-the-soul humor.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a microcosm of Pete Holmes at his most “weird”—deeply personal revelations, playful sexual and philosophical dissection, raw self-awareness, and a marriage that models affection, acceptance, and the courage to be nakedly yourself (emotionally and otherwise). If you want laughs, comfort, and a bit of gentle existential therapy, this is the episode to hear.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonada. You made with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What is happening, weirdos?

[Valerie]

Thank you for being here.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the Friday episodes where Valerie and I catch up. Happy 4th. We're so glad you're here. I'm not gonna put spells to cast on your parents is available for pre order. Thanks to everybody that came to north and South Carolina. Those shows were amazing. We have new tour dates, including Los Angeles, coming up. Go to PeteHomes.com for tickets. And I know I always say it, but this is. I mean, this is one for the books. I love this book.

[Valerie]

I love this one. Even I loved this one.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. Sometimes I really love it. But we both were really feeling excited to talk and excited to share this with you.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So, Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Hello. Hello.

[Valerie]

Do you hear a lot of, like, some of my mouth sounds?

[Pete Holmes]

Don't talk about mouth sounds. Right up top.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you mean like an involuntary. I think we've talked about this. Like when you go, oh, like a smile where.

[Valerie]

Where you didn't give the go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the only funny. I'm not saying a swallow.

[Valerie]

I said smile, but I meant a swallow. Where your body just decides

[Pete Holmes]

it's funny in public speaking.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the things. We're so juicy.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so fragile.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so like. I've been thinking about this. Like, do you think in the future there'll be a group of humans that are, like, obsessed with not having bodily functions? I know. They're kind of already are.

[Valerie]

I think that's what the Victorians were.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But they'll be like, I love this. Thank you. You think you're shooting me down, but you're actually helping me.

[Valerie]

I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I know.

[Valerie]

I was trying to help you.

[Pete Holmes]

I was being ridiculous. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just being ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

[Valerie]

Excuse me while I just be ridiculous for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

What did I say when I saw your bod last night? I went amazing.

[Valerie]

Oh, no, you said. Were you saying absolutely?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I said absolutely. I've been having, like, this Summer of

[Valerie]

Charles over and over.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been having. Yeah.

[Valerie]

What is the Summer of Charles? I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Charles is some guy who smokes weed, I guess, and I'm having his summer. I'm just like, absolutely, Absolutely. And I was saying it kind of like the Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, there was A three piece. Like, I was wearing a vest and a suit for sure.

[Valerie]

And you were kind of doing the like movement of like, there's a way

[Pete Holmes]

that a soft shoe three piece suit Reverend Al Sharpton can move. That is just like, just so delight. This sounds like. Oh, am I saying. No, I'm not. There's nothing untoward here. I'm saying a black preacher.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Has a style that's like one of the last true American art forms is black or just charismatic preacher. But I mean, let's be real. The white charismatics lifted that from the black community.

[Valerie]

It feels really.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all the time we have, actually. That's the end of the. I'm gonna steer us back to what's about interesting micropods. Oh, I was ready to make a list of the true types. Like, the true types, but go ahead.

[Valerie]

No, I think everyone should know exactly what it feels like to be just changing in your own room and have

[Pete Holmes]

Reverend Al Sharpton somebody comes in a slick bottomed shoe, like sl.

[Valerie]

But it's not him. I don't want him to do that. But like just anybody responding to your body going, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said it several times, absolutely, absolutely.

[Valerie]

Which we've talked about, you know, publicly a lot. And I'm sure on this podcast that, like, it feels so good that I never change my clothes in front of you without it getting some reaction. Sometimes I will wait like, I need to change.

[Pete Holmes]

That's cute.

[Valerie]

No, that is cute. If I, like, wait until you're coming or something. No, I was going to say sometimes I'm telling you something important and I'm like, I know I can't take my shirt off right now, even though I need to change.

[Pete Holmes]

I like this too, because then it

[Valerie]

will just become about that. But it does feel really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, it felt good to say absolutely.

[Valerie]

It's just like everybody should have at least one person love their body that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I've been making fun of how I've been working out every day and how you said I was looking at my body and I love my body. Sometimes I even say that in the bed. I'm like, I love my body. We're like, why aren't I ripped? And you went, yeah, you've been doing what Mr. Rogers did.

[Valerie]

Okay, well, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is a great. No, no, no. It's a huge line. It's in my act.

[Valerie]

It just seems like the opposite of absolutely. I love your body. I love your body. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I can see how you can think that tied to the absolutely story that's not what I was saying at all. I was saying that I know even in that moment that you like. What I was trying to say was, and I've said it many times, no matter what you look like someone's really into it. And I don't just mean like in a pervy kind of way, you know, like just sexually.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean like somebody like really will delight whatever your shape is. Totally just like. I just imagine you listener, you're in the beginning of an independent film about your life. This is on tape. And you're driving to your job where there's a love interest. Let's be real. But we're going to find out that that love interest isn't the direction you should have been heading. And about 15 minutes in, you're going to meet Ewan McGregor. I know he's a little old and some of you are guys, but it's going to be all right. Ewan is going to be doing. He's going to you you Right. He doesn't do things. He you things.

[Valerie]

It will be you in his Gregory.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can pitch. You can pitch. You win. He's like, like, you're gay with Ewan McGregor and you have the conversation. We've talked about this many times. Gay people famously have better sexual communication.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you know there's more. There's more on the menu.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're at a cheesecake factory now. You gotta say, are we doing the 1100 calorie avocado dippers?

[Valerie]

Avocado dippers. I can't believe you said that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm having the summer of Charles, man. I let Charles, by the way, I was thinking this. Jesus take the wheel. Guys. Jesus died hundreds of years before cars. He's like the last person you want to take the wheel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Valerie]

I was gonna say maybe a thousand. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, the summer of Charles isn't about

[Valerie]

like looking at getting math right dates. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, the backwards dates.

[Valerie]

Oh, forget it.

[Pete Holmes]

What were we doing?

[Valerie]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, what were they doing? They did. They weren't doing that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. We imposed that on them. They thought it was just today.

[Valerie]

Quick. What are the years of the middle ages?

[Pete Holmes]

The middle ages? I'm gonna guess that the middle ages were 1100. Great to and they ended in 1315 at the burning of Constantinople. Doesn't of places Constantinople sounds the most like a peanut brittle based gingerbread house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like wouldn't you like to eat at Constantinople?

[Valerie]

What's that song that has is. It has a word like Constantinople, or maybe it has Constantinople in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Constantinople. No, it sounds like something Paul Simon would write. And then he'd go, I'm just trying to do what I do. You know what I mean? He'd be like, I'll take you down to Constantinople. And he's like, God, I'm becoming a parent. I heard it myself. Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

He's like, this is even. This is too Paul Simon for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Her earrings were opals. She took it down, down to Constantinople. Constant consonant. The consonant was oval.

[Valerie]

All right, we're just free.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to write a Paul Simon song here.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

You're. You're suggesting that people have something better. Okay, so back to the tape. Remember the. You're gonna date Ewan McGregor.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The tape is. And this is just a five second shot. You're listening in your Volvo. It's an 85 Volvo. Yellow, of course, because you're interesting.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all we need to know.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little dirty. There's like a Big Gulp.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Lidless. Yeah. But you're not filthy. It's just like you've been using.

[Valerie]

I think lidless is filthy. I think you can have a Big Gulp, but it needs to have a lid.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'll settle for lid. But all of the buttons, the, like, pop ups.

[Valerie]

We found it. We found it.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll never find a better example of two people that have absolutely merged. Like a Afghan. I'm going north to south, you're going east to west. And it's one blanket.

[Valerie]

Yeah. An Afghan from Constantinople. Also. Did you catch a while back when I said it could be you and his Gregor?

[Pete Holmes]

You and his Gregor? His Gregor is his butthole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

I loved that because you were just. We're like, yeah, you could pitch. You just didn't acknowledge that you shouldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

A to C if B is a laugh.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like Rick Glassman right now.

[Valerie]

That was a. Rick, you shouldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

A to C if B is a laugh. Don't skip the middle. If the middle was appreciating the A that your partner presented.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I never do. I always go, absolutely when I see your A. Anyway, so the tape is playing and it says no matter what your body looks like, someone is aggressively into it.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think that's. That's good news. And sometimes I say, like, that's one of the beautiful things about the Internet, for all of its foibles.

[Valerie]

Yes. Well, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

You can find somebody that's like, yes,

[Valerie]

I'm reading this book, and it's a long one, so buckle up and get used to hearing about this book for the next several podcast episodes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to think of what you're reading right now.

[Valerie]

It's called Want, and it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

It's just a compilation on the COVID No, it's a switch.

[Pete Holmes]

We all know what it is. We all know what it is. It's a hot pink cover with a little hard to find upturned button.

[Valerie]

Can I tell you? Okay, let's, like, just put a pin in that clit first.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we say that the clitoris was a penis? That's the head of the penis. We know this, but it was trying to vanish.

[Valerie]

Nope. No.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like, I'm sorry, I'll get out of here. The men are like, hey, ho, here's my belfry. Come to the pleasure dome. LL Cool J is spinning. He's not rapping, he's deejaying, and he's got a Big Gulp. Lidless.

[Valerie]

Yes, but, like, correct.

[Pete Holmes]

But the vagina seemed to be like, let's. I'm joking, by the way. I'm joking. I'm joking. It just does seem like in the pulling in of the whole operation, there was an oversight in the design.

[Valerie]

Well, there was no. There was not a. This is such a fucking male perspective.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying that it's like we

[Valerie]

all started with penises, and then one. Like, some of ours went inside.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought that's what it was.

[Valerie]

No, we all started with clitorises, and then some of them extended out to become penises.

[Pete Holmes]

Fine. Okay. You care about the direction of the river? I'm just fishing in it. I'm just fishing in. Could flow from the mountain to the village or from the village to the mountain. I don. Care. One is saying, put the pleasure center. Put the pizza in the center of the table. Everyone wants a slice. A couture says, like, there is pizza somewhere in this building. I'm not even doing. I can find it. It's not about that.

[Valerie]

It's minimized.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like, apple. Apple had an unveiling, and they were like, this was our first, and it was a big old dick. And it's like the pleasure center was right there, and then we receded it. This is like BlackBerry getting rid of the clicking button.

[Valerie]

No, the thing about, like, the clitoris being hard to find.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it is.

[Valerie]

It's not hard to find.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not hard to find.

[Valerie]

That Was like before we were spread. Spreading vaginal lips.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Wow.

[Valerie]

As a community.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. That's true. There wasn't a lot.

[Valerie]

You part the curtains one way. There is a clear person on stage.

[Pete Holmes]

People weren't parting the curtains. It was a sh. It was. It was like a Japanese. You know when they're doing a fucking puppet show. A puppet show behind a scrim. And the show happened, but the scrim never lifts.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the clitoris.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're like, at the same time that type of theater was popular.

[Valerie]

Yeah, around the same time. It was around the Middle Ages. Don't ask us about that.

[Pete Holmes]

1100.

[Valerie]

1100.

[Pete Holmes]

Should we look? When was the Middle Ages?

[Valerie]

Yeah, let's look.

[Pete Holmes]

When was the Middle Ages?

[Valerie]

Okay. But then the thing to. Oh, so this book want. Is a compilation of, like, women wrote in their fantasies.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it 500 to 1500 CE? Common era?

[Valerie]

Didn't you say 11?

[Pete Holmes]

Bring Christ back to the calendar. Bring Christ back to the calendar. Common Era. Before Common Era. I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

Before Christian era.

[Pete Holmes]

Christ. I'm just kidding. Christ on a calendar. Get it back. Jesus Christ on a calendar. I actually love Common Era. I support it. Please, please.

[Valerie]

This is your platform.

[Pete Holmes]

I need to be on the record

[Valerie]

that we do Common Era Now.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Common Era.

[Valerie]

Okay, so it's a compilation of women wrote. People who identify as women wrote in their sexual fantasies anonymously.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it's like, by the way, a hundred of them. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's lady from X Files, who's great. Margaret Thatcher from the Crown.

[Valerie]

Gillian Anderson.

[Pete Holmes]

Gillian Anderson, who's great. But I will say, may I interject? What a brilliant idea. I mean, not in the way you mean. You're like, I'm gonna write a book, but I'm gonna have all these ladies write it and I'll compile it.

[Valerie]

That's not even it. It is a.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, does some of the proceeds go to the dildo fund of these horny women?

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Is she sharing the profits?

[Valerie]

Rol, she. This wasn't even her idea, which she's clear about. There was a book in the 70s called My Secret Garden, even more brilliant. And it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a reboot.

[Valerie]

A lot of a compilation.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So she's not claiming to be an author. She just. But it was a lot of work to, like. She asked people to send in these letters and she.

[Pete Holmes]

Take off an editor with my comedy hat.

[Valerie]

Right now you're just focusing on the wrong thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy hat.

[Valerie]

Right now you are threatened by the

[Pete Holmes]

clitoris on the COVID of that powerful, successful, sexual woman.

[Valerie]

And you're. And you're threatened by female sexuality, so you're having to belittle, like, choose the weirdest argument to belittle this book.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. And I. This, by the way, everybody, this is how it's done. You're right. Is that so hard?

[Valerie]

But not in, like, a Cedric the Entertainer way. Like, just always agree with your.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no. And he's doing a black preacher with the. The bottom of the shoe has been. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. And you know what I mean. It's like MJ shoes, Michael Jackson, the way you could moonwalk in them.

[Valerie]

Oh, I know.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

I saw you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mean it in the always agree with your woman way. I mean, in whoever I'm talking to. Sometimes you're just. It's not even bested. You're just revelated. Yeah, Revelated.

[Valerie]

Revealed.

[Pete Holmes]

The truth is revealed to you and you go, you're so right. But if Rob Delaney, who would put out a book, who would.

[Valerie]

And it would be called Wood.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be called Wood. You're so fucking great. You're a fucking absolute. Absolutely. But you're the Absolutely. Of personalities, minds, talents and bods. And we just turn it off. I think they did it. I just hear a story. Delaney, you come back. No, that riff's over.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's funny. When I was tired in the middle of the day, I often thought the answer was caffeine. Another coffee, another tea. But that was really just pouring more fuel on the fire. Now I know more about my body. I know more about the science. And I know that often when I'm lagging, it's because I am dehydrated. Which is one of the reasons I always start my day, or after a workout, after a sauna, anytime I'm sweating, anytime I'm losing those electrolytes I drink. LMNT element. It's become a huge part of my routine, jump starting my day. It's a delicious way to trick myself into drinking more water, but also flooding every cell in my body with optimum ratios of sodium, magnesium and potassium. So you're actually hydrating yourself, which is. Which is what the science is. And the interesting part, they now have a new lemonade iced tea, which has just a smidge of caffeine, which is the best of both worlds. Caffeine doesn't actually create energy. It mostly blocks the signal. And that tells you you're tired, but your body produces energy using things like electrolytes. So this is getting it from both angles. If you're low on those, another cup of coffee isn't going to necessarily solve the problem. But Element Lemonade Iced Tea combines full black tea extract, not isolated caffeine with Element's electrolyte formula, which I mentioned, sodium, potassium, magnesium so you get a smoother, steadier lift without the big spike and crash feeling that comes with a lot of caffeinated drinks. I absolutely love it. There's no sugar, artificial colors, there's just no BS. And you can get a free eight count sample pack of Element's most popular drink. Mix flavors with any [e-mail] weird that's drinklmnt.com weird and if for any reason you don't love it, Element has a no questions asked refund policy. They will take care of you. This podcast is sponsored by Ro. When people talk about GLP1 medication, the first thing you usually hear is about how much they cost. And a lot of people stop right there just assuming that they're just out of reach. Which is what I like about ro. They help people figure out what their actual options are. RO has a free insurance checker that lets eligible patients see which GLP1 medications may be covered by their insurance. You just submit your insurance information and a few days later you'll get a full report showing what's covered and whether prior authorization may be required. And if insurance doesn't cover treatment, ROE offers lower cost FDA approved cash pay GLP1 options including GLP1 pills. I don't personally use GLP1 medications, but if I were going to, this is what I would do. RO is the place I would start. They focus on helping people find the lowest cost path available to them and more than 1.5 million people have trusted Ro on their weight loss journey before. Before being prescribed medication, patients must complete an online medical visit, lab tests if needed, and qualify based on factors including bmi, medical history, lab results and the discretion of a ROE affiliated healthcare provider. Go to ROE Co Weird to see if you qualify. That's RO Co Weird. To get started on roe, go to ROE Co Safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications. If you grew up a church kid like me going to youth group VBS church camp. If you've ever heard the phrase unequally yoked and new, exactly what it meant, it maybe you had a Reliant K phase, a switch foot phase, a DC talk phase, or like me all three, then I have a movie for you. It is called Premarital It's. It stars Jim o'. Hare. You may know him as Jerry from Parks and Rec. He plays a Midwestern pastor whose daughter is about to marry an atheist. Unable to convince her to change her mind, he launches a wildly manipulative campaign to convert his future son in law. This one, this one cuts pretty close. But what I like about it is not just a faith based movie. It's not really a faith based movie. It's an honest, funny look at the strange world so many of us grew up in. The culture. The assumptions, the awkwardness, the baggage, all of it. So if you've ever wrestled with faith, deconstructed your faith, reconstructed your faith, or just have some funny stories from growing up in the church, I think you will enjoy Premarital. It's available to watch at home now on Amazon, Apple TV, Google Play, YouTube movies, and many more. Check out Premarital. Rob Delaney would put out a book called Wood and it would be men. I would still be like, he just got a bunch of horny dudes to write the book for him. I could see myself making that point.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

That doesn't mean I wasn't doing it, because I am threatened by this book.

[Valerie]

Okay. And all I was gonna say. So here's. This will help your being threatened. Yeah. Your fragile male ego.

[Pete Holmes]

My male. My cisgender was gonna say is frail.

[Valerie]

One of the. Through lines of these people's fantasies is like. And some of them explicitly just say it. Some it's more like the subtext of it is that most people have the fantasies of wanting their bodies to be worshiped.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like it's. Or most women or people who identify as women, like in one, you know, a couple people explicitly say, my fantasy is for someone to worship my body.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

To see me and be like, Holy 100. What I want.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And this is what you know, and it's like, so precious. This is what I love is that

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like men want to walk into a society of scantily clad women who go like, oh, my God, what are you? And you're like, I'm a man.

[Valerie]

You're offering.

[Pete Holmes]

You think this would feel fit in my vagina?

[Valerie]

Yes. One person. Totally. But it's the same thing. Literally. One of the other. The fantasies that this woman has is that she. I loved this one. I thought this was so interesting that she is on like a boardroom table and it's in like this conference room that's filled with like, older businessmen in suits. And she's like, the feast on the table. And they all are just, like, have erections or are, like, jerking off. Like, it's like, she is like. It's that version. It's the version of that.

[Pete Holmes]

That was so uncomfortable.

[Valerie]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. It wasn't uncomfortable for me. I got aware that we're just like. That's a real. Here's what I'm gonna say. Real fantasies. Like, I would love to go like. Here's what I think is the difference between male and female fantasies. I can't do it.

[Valerie]

No, I don't think there are that. I think that was the revelation of this book in the 70s was especially then Teach. Especially then they were like, I don't even think women enjoy sex. And it was like, no, Dale, they don't enjoy your medium soft one. Just, like, pumping for five minutes.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Five quick pumps and a cigarette.

[Valerie]

But, like.

[Pete Holmes]

And Frito dip.

[Valerie]

And it was like this big moment where like, oh, my God, women also have fantasies. And it's not that different from male fantasies. And it's like. But there's also a huge variation. And it's, like, very rich and interesting and, like, imaginative. And there's people, like, women who have, like, science fiction ones, and there's women. And all of them are like. Generally, all of them start with like, I don't know why I want this. I don't know what, like, what it says about me. I'm embarrassed that this is what I want. Like, everybody has that sort of feeling. And I think we have this idea that women are like, they want a candlelight dinner.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Valerie]

And they want the.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that boardroom one. I think the reason that it touched or got close to. Let's just say it touched a nerve is because it is close to a male fantasy. It's so just like. And here's the arousal.

[Valerie]

But I think that's what's so beautiful about this book is that, like. And why it's called. I love that it's called Want because I feel like. And she's. And Gillian Anderson kind of makes this point in the introduction where she didn't

[Pete Holmes]

want to call it the Sex Files.

[Valerie]

I'm sure that was pitched. It's like, what people want is like, the most honest thing about them. It's like, the most, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

Honest.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I love that. I'm glad you shared that because you said that to me.

[Valerie]

Very interesting naked thing. And it's so beautiful. If we just, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like.

[Valerie]

I don't know. There's something about, like, it evens the playing field when you're just Reading one after the other, where you're like, none of these are weird. Even though some of them aren't my thing. It's like, that's just. It's so. It's so purely human that we have these wants, and it's so not. There's nothing performative about it. It's like. It's getting right down to, like, ego and shadow and all these things that. Especially in the spiritual world where, like, you should be escaping things. That's not right. That's not good. It's like, no, let's just, like, lean into that and see what those things want. And then it's like, I don't know. I just am finding it very moving in a surprising way.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. I. In that. Did you see my thinking face?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was, like, thinking about fantasies, and I. I go back to what I'm saying. Like, I'm not comfortable.

[Valerie]

I'm not asking you to share. You are. No, I'm not. You are. I really wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm kidding. I. I just. That's a conversation. You and I would have to stay awake coming home.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

Late at night.

[Valerie]

I really wasn't bringing up.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Valerie]

To hear fantasies. I wouldn't share mine either.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

I'm just saying it's interesting to me that, like. And the only reason I brought up that book was because people want their bodies to be worshiped. And I feel very fortunate that I have that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And it's funny. I will say that I feel like men's fantasies tend to have some sort of, like, oh, this is fortunate. Like, this is good luck. Like, stumbling upon which I'm not even making up. That's from Holy Grail. The knights find, like, a forbidden city filled with beautiful young women, and all they want to do is have sex all day. And that is. Well, let me ask you. I don't know. Well, no, I'm not gonna take a stab. I'm saying I'd be curious to know if women have some version. Like, I'm thinking of hip hop albums, too. Where sometimes they're skits. They're so dumb. And the skits, like, sometimes are incredibly sexual. And they often involve some sort of, like, finding a place where there's women. Secret women. Secret women. Because. And I'm not defending this.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying, like, sex is a resource for a man being, like, this is where my partners will be. And they're sequestered.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning they're not just, like, going around having sex with everybody. They. They Kind of live in this fantasy bubble. And I know where the bubble is, and I don't. It seems very dick heavy. That feels very. Like my seed. It feels very reproduction heavy. My seed will go. My seed. God, I hate all of this. I'm just saying, like, I feel like that informs the, like, idea that you're like, I found it. It's a secret place. They only fuck me. Like, before the camera. Before the cameras, before the mics were rolling. You were talking about your friend Lisa, who we both love. And I was making fun of her very lightly in a way that she knows I would do to her face.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm a fucking bitch. I just realized. But I do it out of this intense male. Let's take it out. Intense Pete, me, this guy. Insecurity that I have. And you just. You're brilliant. You just went, that's right. She's not as good as you. You're my favorite. And I was like, God damn it. Like, you just. But I am Rivers cuomosexual because I. You know that song. I want a girl that laughs for no one else. I am embarrassed that that's part of my. The outlaying of my. So the secret place. It's selfish. There's something selfish. I don't want other men to know about my secret harem from Superman. I want them. I don't know. I want them to be competing for me. It's very, like, cult y. But the truth is. And you know, this. I want to. And this is actually part of it. I want to go there when I want to go there, and I don't even want to live there. I want to go there when I'm done doing the things I want to do. Then I can pop into my secret sex bubble.

[Valerie]

It's just always there for you.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't want to be there. This is. You know, I'm a partner and I'm with you, and I'm emotional and a member of a family. I'm just saying in this. See how uncomfortable I am?

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh. But I'm just, like, wild to watch. Well, just this. The, like, I mean, I get.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I feel like there's an element. Correct me if I'm wrong, there's an element to male sexuality that is different culturally. It's appreciated differently.

[Valerie]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Than female.

[Valerie]

I hear you.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand the comeuppance of a book like Want. That's like, here's guess what? And there's an overabundance of what men

[Valerie]

are into you're right. You're right to.

[Pete Holmes]

So I have to be like a secret city.

[Valerie]

I mean, that is true. When you widen it to male sexuality, you're. I'm catching myself having the bias against that. Like where like I am like I would not feel. And I hate this. I don't. Well, maybe I would, but I was gonna say I wouldn't feel as moved reading a book about male fantasies.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's.

[Valerie]

But not because I find them disgusting. I don't. I'm a straight woman. Like, I don't find them disgusting. It's just more that like. Yes, I know. You know, I feel like you know what they are. That's what porn is. That's like so many things are.

[Pete Holmes]

Porn is sort of like the cartoonification of these ideas.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but what I wanted to say. But then like watching you have all of the pop ups and disclaimers, I like.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's also because we're talking publicly.

[Valerie]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

If we were just talking, I'd be like, I want to find a sexy city with bosomed women.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And they worship me and I fuck them and then I leave.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I come back. Sometimes we just have dinner.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know that's true. I just hate. I just hate watching you feel like defensive of. Because I don't think you should feel any shame and that. And I just want to say that fantasy makes perfect sense to me. That's like the discovering the like women bathing in the river or like the sirens of the like it's in.

[Pete Holmes]

In the Odyssey. I'm pretty sure. Yes. I mean, yes.

[Valerie]

There's like this land of abundance where it's like, these are women that are like here for your pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that of course I. I think that fantasy makes perfect sense. And I'm sure there are women who have.

[Pete Holmes]

I could see women having that to that.

[Valerie]

I also think what's interesting is I would have that with women. If I was fantasizing about women, which sometimes I do. I would want that. I don't think I would want to discover like a land of a bunch of men who were all, hi, Val,

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just telling the fields here. Sorry, I'm glistening, my chest has catching all the drips.

[Valerie]

But if there's like a hundred of them, then you're sort of like overwhelmed.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it doesn't have to be a hundred. For me the erection selection is part of it. And look, I want to be careful here. Just so you know that I don't know what I'm talking About. I'm just saying I'm surprising myself that I think I have, like, almost like a Darwinian lens. I don't mean an intelligent lens. I just mean, like, I'm thinking about reproduction. Like, I think, sure. The. The seed. Seed. Let's go. Bumblebee flowers.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The bee finds the secret place. There's every beautiful flower. It's all the best pollen, and it's just him.

[Valerie]

Yes, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Bees are girls. I'm just saying, like, it's just yours.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But where was I? Is that where I was going with that?

[Valerie]

And also the idea of, like, the fantasy being like, it's just yours. It's just for you. Like, there are people who like taking gender out of it. Truly. Because what I'm learning from this book is there are women who have that kind of fantasy who, like, really do want to dominate and they want to feel possessive and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Have it be like there is someone submitting and they are there just for them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And this.

[Pete Holmes]

This is good.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually. No joke. The Lonely island song. I just had sex. I think men. It might be self hatred. It might be shame. Who knows? That song resonates because when you have sex, I don't have this anymore. But you're kind of like, I can't believe this is happening. And even more so, I can't believe they're allowing this.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm such a.

[Valerie]

There's a line in that song that's just like, it's so nice of anyone to let us do that or something. It's like, it's nice of any girl to let us.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think that's by accident. I think that song is. And maybe they were having a summer of Charles. Kind of weedy. Like, you're getting out of your own way and you're like that. If we're being honest, a lot of times that's how you feel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wouldn't even change it.

[Valerie]

I like that, too.

[Pete Holmes]

As we've discussed many times on this podcast, I'm pretty normal and, like, wired, and it works for me. And even when we do it. But there is like a I get the cookie kind of feeling that can be very.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Pleasant. If you can greenlight that in your own psyche.

[Valerie]

100%. And it goes with the, like, I'll give you the cookie feeling that I have that I find arousing.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. I'll give you the cookie, which is like.

[Valerie]

It just. I'm saying, like, there are people who. It's so beautiful that there Are people who are. Have more of that specific type of arousal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That is often associated with masculine. But isn't necessarily. Isn't. Is definitely not limited to just men having that. And then there are people who have a perfectly corresponding way of being aroused, which is like being more submissive. And that. That. That is exactly what they want to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it's like, it's so cool that you can, like, find. And that. That's why I'm like, there shouldn't be shame in. In it. It's only shameful if that person does not want to be in that dynamic with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

But if they. If both parties do and are get. And that is exactly what they.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why, again, fantasy. And you can bring pornography into that if you want. Is such a huge marketplace. Because I think I'll speak for myself. I certainly. Well, yeah, I think it's true. I don't. My sexual fantasies and my sexual courage.

[Valerie]

But that's exactly what this book.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. That's what we're talking about.

[Valerie]

I know. And I'm just saying just to make you. Just to normalize that and give you solidarity. That was a big part of the introduction is Gillian was like, people. So many people wrote about how these are. The reason these are fantasies is because they don't have the courage to even express this to anybody else. Like, the only reason they're even saying it is because it's anonymous. Like, and let alone ask for it from their partners.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Like, it's just. It's so you're just right on track. That's what people are experiencing. And it's just so interesting that we have so much shame embedded in our culture and we don't need to feel shame about the amount of shame we have. But, like, you know, it's that. That to even ask for what we want or to share a fantasy almost like takes. I think there's an experience of being like, I don't really want it. I don't want that. And it's like, well, maybe you do, but you just don't want to have the vulnerability it takes to get that from somebody else.

[Pete Holmes]

Totally.

[Valerie]

Like, it's not worth it to you. Two people to one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of thoughts. I'm just trying to believe it or not filter which ones. I feel okay. Sharing well.

[Valerie]

And I. This is also.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't often do.

[Valerie]

I also. I also was like, this is not what I'm asking you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I know.

[Valerie]

And then we. No, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

But my instinct Is a, as a song and dance man is. If you bring it up, like, look at it. That.

[Valerie]

Why don't you just go ahead and go back to the list of real reverence or whatever it was.

[Pete Holmes]

You're joking. But, like, types. Black preacher. It's the only. No, I know, but, like, I'm talking about classic American. Like, yeah, sure. It's a little too close, but yeah, okay. I didn't mean to put it down.

[Valerie]

I don't really know what this list is. I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I, I, I'll know it when I hear it. Okay. Late Night Host is a classic American thing. Kimmel isn't that different from Colbert. I, I'm not talking about.

[Valerie]

Okay, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Racing gender. I'm saying the way they do it is pretty similar.

[Valerie]

Sports announcer.

[Pete Holmes]

Sports announcer is good.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I keep going to, like, jazz musician. Like, you know.

[Valerie]

Yeah, like, like, I know B.B. king, type of.

[Pete Holmes]

Or like a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the blues. But I'm just kidding. I just wanted to look smart.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to look smart.

[Valerie]

You are so smart.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I would actually say, like, south. Both. I'm sorry. Keep. A lot of these are black, but, like the overweight male black. Like Southern food. Chef.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. Like a barbecue.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a barbecue. Master chef. Who's you. I can picture the restaurant perfectly. And he's just. It could be a woman and they could be white. But I, I feel like the, the original was. And like, Little Richard is its own category. Is his own category.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pop star, like Ariana Grande, Britney Spears. This is another. I'm just saying, like, if you were talking to an alien and you're like, Here are the 15 types of Americans, like, public figures.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd be like, the Black Preacher is a true classic. There's a way of looking, dressing, talking. Obviously, I can't say it's thinking. There's differences in thinking.

[Valerie]

But, like, that's a New York lawyer.

[Pete Holmes]

New York lawyer. I also would go like Fran Leibowitz. Like the New York intellectual.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The female. I don't want to bring Judaism into it, but there's something.

[Valerie]

Let's just say it is.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I mean it in a positive. Like, that's, that's like a, that's a real classic. Totally friendly. Like, Fran Leibowitz is the. Yeah, yeah, I got it right.

[Valerie]

I'm pretty sure that's her name. I always get her mixed up with Annie Leibowitz.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's that?

[Valerie]

She's the Anne Geddes. Yeah, but I mean, she is A photographer, but she's not.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Lebowitz, like, she shoots those great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Portraits of.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Portraits of people.

[Valerie]

Portraits of. Portraits of Jaggers.

[Pete Holmes]

Mick Jagger. Mick. Mick Jagger.

[Valerie]

Peter Pan.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's really Peter Pan. Let's go to the mid roll. When we come back, I'm go. I don't even know if we do that anymore.

[Valerie]

We don't. I'm kind of shocked that you did.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But this would be a good place for a mid roll. I think they just drop them in now. I'm not mad at it, but just know that if I had my druthers, this would be where the mid roll is.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

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[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, I wanted to share this. I really mean, you'll know it's not going to be backhanded or ambiguous. I just thought this was one of your finest, one of your absolute finest. What Things you've ever said.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

One of your best.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

You're always talking about that I'm a high processor. I think you're a very high processor.

[Valerie]

I don't think so, but that's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Valerie. I'm gonna put it back on me and flattery. You would bore me if you.

[Valerie]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

You've never said, what do you mean to me? You've never said that. You've never gone like, can you go back? It's me that goes, can you go back? Like, I'm confused. So, yes, you're very fast and intelligent and you can call the shot very quickly, meaning interpret. I feel like if I was smarter, I'd be able to, like, really lay this out like Malcolm Gladwell or a TED Talk and be like, it's intelligence, it's retention. But it's also interpretation. These are the three different types of intelligence you have. All three I read by accident. I'm joking, but I read Michael Pollan's book. It's called Food Rules. There are three ways to take the title. One, is that Food Rules. These are rules for food. Two is Food Rules, like, I love food. And three, food Rules, like Food rules our lives. I think he just means these are rules for food. But that's what it's like up here in the Summer of Charles.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

We definitely jostle some of my gears loose, and it can be quite delightful. Okay, so I'm reading Food Rules, and it's basically in Defense of Food, the Michael Pollan book, but just distilled into these rules. And they're good. You would like these rules. It's like, if it's made from plants, eat it. If it's made in a plant, don't eat it. Like basic stuff. And it's very hard on processed foods. Like, don't eat things that advertise on tv. Don't eat things that are pretending to be other things. It's just eat food, not too much, mostly plants. That's Michael Pond's thing. So I'm reading it, and I'm clearly in the Summer of Charles, and I'm clearly in one of my flare ups. And every time I'm in a flare up, meaning just like a lot of space, a lot of life, a lot of energy, not a lot of stress, not a lot on my plate. Nobody's asking stuff. I'm really feeling this fourth. I'm really feeling this fourth. I'm just feeling like all of Hollywood is just like, shut it down. And we're all having a summer of Charles, and we didn't even talk about it, but the whole fucking thing. Shut the fuck off. And I'm Summer of Charles in it. I'm loving it. So I have space. And when I have space, sidebar. That's why I'm jealous of people that love the World cup. Because I'm like, you have room for that. It's not that I think it's idiotic. It comes out as that's idiotic. But the truth is I'm jealous that I have so many moths that are on fire. Meaning anxiety, worry, planning, feelings. I don't know what they are. It's so crowded in there, I can't go. Did you see what Yucatan did in the second half against Argentina? I'm like, you have room in there and I'm not calling you stupid. I'm saying you have a cleaner house than I do, so you can let. You can let nations kicking a ball into your house. Yeah, I barely have room for you, Leela, and the dog. Yeah, because everything else is, like, books on fire. And there's, like, fucking Bob Hope is in there. What's he doing there anyway? That was a sidebar, but I wanted to address the World Cup. I read Food Rules. Every time I'm in one of these spacious, alive places, it's earmarked by the sensation of, like, I can't believe I get another one. Like, in my life, I've had so many. And I. Oh, I'm here, and I have another one. And I'm reading this book. I have room for it. And I'm getting into processed foods being bad. We shouldn't. We should only eat things that our grandmothers would recognize as food. That's interesting to me. And then the cousins are coming, your brother. I love all of these people. There's no shade here. When they come for the Fourth, things get a little loosey goosey around here. Suddenly there's Oreos in the house. Or Doritos. Okay, I'm being a bitch, but in a way that. Derek, if you hear this. Beth, if you hear this, there's no judgment. I'm just a bitch. Like, I'm a. It's not you, it's me. I'm a bitch. And I get a little tight, which is why you're encouraging me to have a summer of trials. You're like, pete, maybe just be stoned the whole time. And I'm like, deal. Yeah, I'm not gonna eat Oreos because I'm realizing sugar for me is like alcohol. I really think it has to just be like, I don't do that. That's just me. But this is the point. This goes to you winning the award for one of your best. Call him as you see him real time. Like, you should be in the Situation Room ending wars, because you're a genius. And I know I sound like a manic person putting it on you, but I really mean it. I said all the stuff about Michael Pollan's book, and you said, this is a quote. You went, pete, this will end. The funniest three words. Some dipshit in your house is telling you all of these maxims about food and how we should never eat breakfast cereal. And you go, sweetie, this will end. And then you went, try not to say anything that you can't walk back and enjoy it. And I. This is the truest thing I've ever said. I feel like an animal in a zoo. And you're a benevolent zookeeper. You are the best. You're like the man in the yellow hat who in the original Curious Georgie does capture George and put him in a zoo. You take such good care of me. You give me those balls with the holes filled with leaves, and I'm entertained. And I start going like, my new ball is Michael Pollan. And you go in, shh. And then you go out of the cage and have relationship and friends and, like, dance classes, and I'm just in the zoo. No wonder I want you. Push broom and mapoop into the corner. I'm a mess without you. This is my vows.

[Valerie]

That's really sweet. I love those vows.

[Pete Holmes]

This will end is the best thing you could have said. This will end.

[Valerie]

You're so. And the reason I love you is that you like that. That, like, there's no part of you

[Pete Holmes]

took my breath away.

[Valerie]

Nuh. This one is like, because you have so much self awareness that, like, that's what I'm saying is like, I like that you're on this. I. But at this point, for 13 years, we've both seen each other through these different phases of going on. And, like.

[Pete Holmes]

And you go through them too.

[Valerie]

I do too.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's, like, more gentle about them.

[Valerie]

It's a not too tight, not too loose thing where, like, generally we see swing from, like, this is a hard and fast line. I'm on this kick. I'm doing this thing. And then we always come back to more of a, like, integrative, like, okay, yes, but I'm not gonna be, like, so strict about it. I'm also gonna, like, sometimes eat breakfast cereals if, like, I really want one or, you know, whatever it is. And then that'll kind of devolve into a like, oh, my God, I'm eating cereal every day. Like, I can't. I can't stop this. And then we'll get really tight again and we'll be on another kind of kick. And like, look.

[Pete Holmes]

And the aliens looking at us from above are like, look at the sine wave. Everything's up and down and up and down.

[Valerie]

Yes. And. And we were just in a moment where it was like, you know, I had just gone to Trader Joe's that day, and you were. You said something like, can you do, like, not too much?

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, I'm stuck in here, Valerie.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear myself saying it. I go, can you get not. But what I'm saying is, if you get peanut butter filled pretzels in this house.

[Valerie]

Yes. I won't be able to. To control.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I could. Weird. Because I'm having a summer at Charles. But I've been doing. I don't even want to say I've been doing well with eating. I have been able to resist those things. But then I do get a little tight going. Like, why are we feeding? Why do we feed children? Oh, yeah, okay. But why do we feed children the worst, worst of our bounty? Chicken fingers and everything's okay.

[Valerie]

No, I think there's something to that. That's true. But also, I didn't wreck myself.

[Pete Holmes]

I checked myself.

[Valerie]

Yes, but also, even I'm like, I just want to get protein and Leela. The only ways that I can at this point, which is not totally the best way to. To think of it. But anyway, that's why I was saying, like, you. You know, it's like, like, that's what I was. I was just like, we're about to have friends over or, you know, our family over. We're gonna have this fun summer weekend. And so we will be like, doing things that we don't usually do. I think that's sort of the. That was the message that I wanted and that you heard and got, which is like, sometimes the stress of that, I think for you translates into you being, like, extra rigid. Which I know that feeling I get in that way too, where it's like, we shouldn't eat this and we should always keep the lid on the hot tub and we should always do this and we should, you know, like. And it's like, the more rigid you are, the more suffering you will have. But if you give.

[Pete Holmes]

Warmer, cooler hot tub.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But if you give your. The permission to be like, hey, for the next three days, like, fuck it. The one goal is to have fun and be together. So, like, things are gonna happen that aren't the norm. Our normal life. And that's good and that's important and okay. Because fun and play and levity is very important. And if that's your one goal. So that's why I was like, you know, if you need to smoke a little weed to be.

[Pete Holmes]

To get there, well, look, people who have listened to this pod know that I turn my back on weed all the time and go, you know, months and months and months without smoking it. Currently enjoying it because it's incredibly hard for me. In my therapy, I've uncovered that, like, all of this control, you know, I really want to control things. I really want to, like, Foresee things. I want to. Like, you'd think I'd be stricter with Leela, but I am, like. Like, a good example is TV in the morning. Like, we haven't. I haven't done a ton with Lila when it comes to, like, regimenting her, but one of them is, like, start your day with the good things.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. And I agree with that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know you do.

[Valerie]

And where's. And I'm so strict about tv, like, mostly during school, the school season, but, like, been. I've been very aware of it during summer, and she hasn't been watching that much summer, but I know once iPads

[Pete Holmes]

break out and it's.

[Valerie]

But I. But I also think, like, oh, my gosh, she's gonna have the memory of waking up with her cousins and, like, getting on the couch and watching a movie. Like, I have good memories that include TV and, like, morning TV. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Watching YouTube of someone unboxing a Funko doll.

[Valerie]

And also, obviously, I don't love that either, but I also am, like, she's not.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, Derek and Beth, I don't think your kids.

[Valerie]

No, they don't like YouTube.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know they would understand what

[Valerie]

I'm saying, but it's also, like, I don't love that. But also, I don't think that there is. If that happens for one. One time or two times, that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to say, too, we just visited my parents, and this is like I always say when I watch the Sopranos. It's one of the reasons that show is so good, is Tony never knows why he's in a bad mood. He, like, kills somebody, and you're like. He's like, why I do that? You know? And you're like, because your mother just told you you're worthless. You know, like, in two scenes ago. But he forgets.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's how life is. We had an okay visit, a pretty good visit. Pretty good visit with my folks. And I tend to get really.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Hysterical historical. Flared up about, like, let's tighten it up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And of. This is me realizing it. Of course. You go home and you just can't help but be like, I need to get my together. And by the way, that I don't want to put my focus down too much. I noticed that my father. I couldn't wait to share this on the podcast because it felt like a big revelation for me. And I know I've already told you this, but my dad. We had, like, two really great days with my dad. That doesn't mean the third day wasn't great, but there's an interesting parallel to my own life that I noticed. The first two days we went to, like, Pizzeria Regina, like the oldest pizza place, and it was like 100 years old.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really fucking good pizza, too.

[Valerie]

Really good pizza and really cool atmosphere.

[Pete Holmes]

It was great. We got a table. We got parking right up front. Like classic J Homes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he unplanned spot right out front, table available.

[Valerie]

And it was a plate. And he said it's usually got a line out the door. He. He said that he hadn't been there in 40 years. So it's not like a place that he goes regularly. Like, he thought of this place, and it was perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

It was perfect. And I relate to that too. You know how I am. If my heart is open, suddenly I just want to give away the store. I'm like, let's drive to Jamaica. And you're like, you can't. But like. Or it's very binary, or it can get very tight. And our friends Sam and Ariella know this. When they were staying with us for a couple days, I couldn't remember when or why I was like, just live here. Like, that's how my dad is. That way too.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Very extreme. If you can take stress away from my father, he becomes like Kris Kringle.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he's like, let's get you pizzas. And Leela was showing him card tricks, and he was responding and hearing and telling stories and listening and asking and all these. I was like, what? Not that my dad doesn't do that. I'm just like, this is exception. Exceptional levels of that behavior.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Then it happened again the next day.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And he took us to a new. So usually this is something that, like, your. Your dad could be. Is often known for doing, like, the same vacation, the same trip, which is also me doing the same.

[Pete Holmes]

I say to Valerie, we. We were in North Carolina. I ate at the same restaurant through three times. We were there two days. Because if I find a place that has the food that I want, I'll get. I'll break.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm also doing a show.

[Valerie]

Doing a show. So it's different.

[Pete Holmes]

But my dad is doing a show too.

[Valerie]

But that's what I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what it is.

[Valerie]

He's usually working, so he is like.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't have energy. There's a line in Magnolia where John C. Reilly's character says, I'm a cop. So my life is very dramatic. I'm not looking for drama in my relationships.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Replace relationships with restaurants, life, etc. Etc.

[Valerie]

And he. And he also goes to Dunkin Donuts every single morning. And you offered. You were like, me and Leela will go to Dunkin Donuts with you.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was like, well, I'm not working, so you don't. We usually get up at like, six to go meet him.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not working.

[Valerie]

So we can go whenever.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's recovering from niece surgery, so he hasn't been going to work.

[Valerie]

And then he went, yeah. Which is a key part of this story. That's the point of this story. And then he went, well, why don't I take you to this other place?

[Pete Holmes]

Like a Middle Eastern coffee shop.

[Valerie]

It's like a Middle Eastern coffee shop that's like, looks like it could be in Ojai. Like, very modern and very cool, but authentic. And Lila was like, I want donuts. And he was like. He's like, yeah, donuts are. Are really great. And he's like, in addition. And it's good to, like to have something that you like, but it's also really good to try new things. That's important too. And we're just like.

[Pete Holmes]

You said it just as gently and as lucidly as you just said it. And I was like, this is amazing. I was like, I really just felt so much love for my dad.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I do. And the third day, and the reason I'm mentioning this is in no way to criticize my dad. I recognized myself the third day. He seemed a little Other places.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he said with kind of the remnants of that lucidity, he goes, I went into the office today.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I looked at the books and the jobs and the scheduling and all this stuff. And then he goes, and maybe that was a mistake.

[Valerie]

I didn't hear him say that.

[Pete Holmes]

He said, maybe that was a mistake because we have this tunnel vision thing. It's one of the things that I like about myself. I wouldn't change it if somebody let me go in the hardware or the software, I guess, and change it. I guess it would be the hardware. I don't know.

[Valerie]

Who knows?

[Pete Holmes]

But I am what's in front of me. And that. That I'm aware of the potential that being not ideal for people. Like, I'll have a conversation with a stranger here in town and we'll have a great conversation. And I usually, at the end of it, go, next time you see me, you'll have to say, we talked at the park about fruit salad.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And please just do me that favor, because I, I can't tell you how many times in town I say hi to somebody. That's why I wanted you to get the food yesterday. It was packed. I was like, I. Three, four, five times a day. If it's a weekend, I'll have a little conversation with somebody and I think they're a fan. Then I realize I've talked to them before. Then I realize I know them. It's like a very weird way to go through life.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when they were in front of me, I don't have great retention anyway. I just had a lot of compassion and understanding for my father. Because if you. A good example is like, if you tell me, okay, when you did stand up in South Carolina, they gave you $5,000. Travel was a thousand dollars. Taxes are $2,500. Your. Your manager's fee was, what am I saying, 5,000 or it's 500. Your agent's fee is 500. Your business manager is 250. Your lawyer is 250. You'll freak me out. I will get so mad, and I'll go into fight flight. And it's fight. And now I am at dinner or breakfast or whatever. And I don't do this, I'm proud to say.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the reason I don't is because if you. And I've said this a million times, I have four, three, four slots. And if you put the wrong things in those slots, you get the wrong guy. And when I do stand up my job, as much as it is writing good jokes or being a performer, it's making sure at 8 o', clock, my three slots are gratitude, silliness, playfulness, and connection. That's the whole job for me. And then the act is the, the, the medium through which I push those four energies.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But if I'm stressed, traveled, fatigued, achy, sad, angry, preoccupied, I can't have those in the slot.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I saw my father. I felt so close to him, you'd think I'd be like, well, now we don't have Dad. I was like, oh, man, I know this. I know this. It made me understand him. And the compassion is. Let him off the hook. But it also made me go, like what I said in therapy the other day was yesterday. I go, this is weird that I have to remind myself my parents are human beings that had some pain and did not have the tools that I have. And that. That's it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you, you get tempted to turn them into others.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know this is Compassion 101. And I'm 47 years old. It's taken me a long time. It was hard for me to say that. Yeah, not now, but in therapy. My parents are human beings that felt painful, that had no tools.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Almost no tools. 1983 in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Valerie]

No tools.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, let's go ahead and call that no tools. Unless you were one of the fortunates. That was a weirdo in Cambridge going to therapy. Like, yeah, that was weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you didn't tell your friends you were doing.

[Valerie]

Called it analysis.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, probably. Fran Leibowitz did callback. Anyway, I was very happy to share that. And, And I know a lot of people. If you like this podcast. Well, let's say not if you like it, but if you relate to the way my mind is and my life is. I've been going like, okay, tunnel vision. Let's have it work for us.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if, if, if you're focused on the wrong things, you can break your life.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's a nice way to. It's just really good self awareness, which is your superpower and what's so attractive about you. And it's yes and thank you. And it is, It's. It's the gift. You're really showing. Like a beautiful way to do something like go back home and be with your parents, which isn't totally easy. Is like you. You will learn something potentially about yourself and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And even like seeing something in your dad that might have historically been painful.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Like being. Having the spaciousness, going back to space, having you've done such a good job seeing your child self and seeing all of your parts, that then there is space for compassion.

[Pete Holmes]

Now there is your parents.

[Valerie]

But what I. And this is what I did for years is like, so often we jump to the compassion.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

As a way to bypass the more uncomfortable feelings. Because it's uncomfortable to feel angry at your parents.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why resented when you're like, just forgive them.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's like, it's like, no, there's got to be a lot of. You first have to face the sadness and the anger and all of that,

[Pete Holmes]

which is so, so convenient to jump to everybody forgive them. Sounds great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And sitting in this chair, I often do therapy in this chair. Quietly, gently weeping. Yeah, it's a lot harder to do.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Flex.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Weep. Flex.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Hashtag weep. Flex.

[Valerie]

Have the courage to weep. Wheat checks, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Rice checks. Gluten free.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Because rice.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to say thank you for saying that. That when we were on the Amtrak, my dad texted me. So we'd been traveling for five hours. We came from New York, and he texted me again. I saw the beauty in it. He was like, let's go to this beach and there's a carousel. And I was like, oh, he's trying to make a memory with the family. That's beautiful. Then I get a text from my mom, and it was like, petey, sweetie, please come home. Don't go to the beach. Your father and I realized they're not together.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought they were going to be together and pick us up and we'd all go to dinner. Keep them together. They're not together. Mom's at her house. Dad's picking us up. Dad wants to go to the beach. This is going to add three, four hours.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The beach. I look at the map. It's an hour from the train station.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, Leela's been rocking an iPad for four hours. We've been on a train. Like, yeah. It wasn't an A. Meaning. I would have loved. Like, what was great about it was the intent, connection, memory. We weren't really in the mood. And then you said, why don't you just tell them? That sounds great, but let's do it another day. And I felt a darkness descend on me. No. I'm saying this to be you. You were right. But when you speak sanity into a insane belief system. Mine. And sort of historically unstable family system. A reasonable outsider that says, why don't you just say, that sounds great. Let's do it tomorrow when we have more time. I got so afraid. And what I'm realizing. Like, a real freeze.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. And luckily we could go, like. Because I was being pitted against which mom and dad.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Classic.

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

The mom's like, please come home. Dad's like, let's have fun. And I'm in the middle.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. Tears go behind my eyes. My body gets rigid. And I just want to play dead. Like, it's like, there's bears. Just play dead. And it was an awful feeling. But what I'm realizing as we're talking about it. By the way, we showed up and my dad was like, I know your mother texted you, wants you to go home.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was like, maybe there's something else we can do. And that's when we got pizza.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was going, like, what the Is this?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I really was going, what is going on? And it's the work. The work thing. What I'm saying is. And I'm saying this with compassion. A lot of the fear that I felt on that train of not knowing that I could say to my dad, dad, that sounds like a great idea. Let's do it tomorrow when we have more time. That's a reasonable thing to say. If he isn't stressed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in his Eckhart Tolle pain body. He's not resourced. He's not. You're not talking to him. You're talking to a situation that's very complicated and is taking up all of his mental energy. And if you say, I don't want to go to the beach, you are now actually like a bill stapled to another bill. There's a thing that the payment for the apartment is falling through. There's a flood in the basement. Like there was a fire. There's like, your default on this thing, whatever it is. I get stapled to those problems. I'm another problem. I'm saying I don't want to go to the beach.

[Valerie]

Yeah. There's no flexibility there, but there's no discernment between me. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And the stress.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been grouped in with the stress. And he can't talk to the stress. He can talk to me. And all that disappointment and maybe even vitriol gets pointed at me. And this is the terror. So retired dad not working dad. I was like, holy, this is the dad. And it made me.

[Valerie]

You did the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I did the thing. That's crazy.

[Valerie]

That is crazy. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it made me just realize compassion for my dad and also an awareness not just for me, but for a lot of us listening. We need to be aware of when you're responding to somebody as if they are your stress and not what's happening.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're clouding our vision.

[Valerie]

Knowing the context and.

[Pete Holmes]

And the. The dad and I again. I love my dad. The dad that I had a lot of the time was running. He had to, I think, running this business that was really grinding him difficult.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's who you were talking to. And as a kid, you don't understand that as a grown up. I still don't understand.

[Valerie]

No. And you think it's you.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what combination of the Rubik's Cube I'm talking to. And then I realized, like. And there's actually something really beautiful here. Day off dad not working dad. No stressed dad. Someone else answering the work line. Dad is a Rubik's Cube with all the sides filled in.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes, let's go get pizza. And then now I have to reconcile and I talk to the whole team and go like, look, we're always going to be vigilant. We're always going to protect ourselves. But it is interesting to see that at his core, he wants to get pizza with you.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's so sweet. I love that. And that is why it's. If we got to go get Leela. But that is.

[Pete Holmes]

Holy shit balls.

[Valerie]

That is why it's so significant that even though you. You were having your version. Well, yeah, you were having that on this trip where you were working and feeling tense with Leela. But the key difference is that you say, I'm working. That's why I'm feeling tense. It's not you.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

And it's, like, kind of all it takes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm thinking about my show tonight. I'm a little tense. I just need some time to prepare, and I'll. I'll feel better.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, everybody.

[Ad Read / Guest Voice]

There you go.

[Valerie]

There's the podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Shaboopi.

[Valerie]

Shiboopi, as we say on this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a different podcast than my other wife, Shaboopy.

[Valerie]

I mean, keep it crispy.