We Made It Weird #259

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — We Made It Weird #259

Date: July 17, 2026
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest/Co-host: Valerie Holmes
Description: Pete Holmes and his wife, Valerie, share another candid, funny, and revealing conversation where they unpack family quirks, childhood imprints, relationship dynamics, sexuality, and the practice of honest, loving communication. The episode delivers insights on marriage, therapy, vulnerability, and parenting, wrapped in Pete’s signature warmth and comedic tangents.

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Overview of the Episode

This “sleepy summer series” episode has Pete and Valerie welcoming listeners into an honest, meandering conversation about everyday weirdness—mostly their own. As always, humor and vulnerability sit side by side. Major themes include childhood imprints on adulthood, healthy honesty in marriage, the paradoxes of parenting, and the little rituals and superstitions that make up a life together.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Warm-Up: Rituals, Superstitions & Show Opener (00:21–01:36)

• Pete and Valerie riff on show openers (00:21). Valerie jokingly greets listeners as “weekenders,” which Pete rejects, leading to a discussion about the comforting rituals Pete shares with comedian Matt McCarthy before shows—reminding one another to “be yourself, have fun,” and Pete’s surprise at his own mild superstitious streak.
• Pete: "The times we haven't done it, I feel a little weird. So I am a little superstitious, it turns out." (00:55)
• They frame the episode as part of a "sleepy summer series," setting a casual, confessional tone.

---

What is Life? (& The Fruits of 1699) (04:02–06:05)

• Pete launches into a mock-philosophical question: “What is life?” (04:02)
• Pete and Valerie joke about mid-tier fruits (like cantaloupe) and fantasize about serving modern produce to someone from 1699, leading to absurd historical mashups and running jokes about pears and the “year of the pear” (05:44).
• Memorable moment:
  Valerie: "You remember when pears showed up?"
  Pete: "I remember I was born and they were like, it's the year of the pear. It's good fortune." (05:44–05:53)

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Doctors, Hospitals, and Trust (06:05–08:21)

• Valerie admits a positive association with hospitals because she feels cared for, contrasting Pete’s slight suspicion of the medical system (06:10–07:48).
• Pete confesses awkwardness around getting a second opinion from a doctor, likening it to asking a taxi driver to stop texting (07:04).
  Pete: "It's like telling a taxi driver to stop texting. Very difficult." (07:04)
• Both express a tendency to trust authority figures more than themselves—or others—in certain situations.

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Attention, Vulnerability & The “Fake Ill” Phenomenon (07:49–08:26)

• They unpack the appeal of being ill—the temptation to be taken care of, even if the illness is feigned, versus the risk of manifesting what you fake (07:49–08:21).

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Tangents: Ozone Smell, Pulp Fiction, and Food Weirdness (08:52–12:33)

• Pete attempts to explain the smell of ozone from UV lights; Valerie is confused, leading to quick-fire connections—from “Frozone” (The Incredibles) to Pulp Fiction to breakfast foods—and riffs about orange juice pulp being the “crunchy peanut butter” of beverages (11:08–11:54).
• Notable exchange:
  Pete: "What are you having with crunchy peanut butter? You're crunching something. With pulp... it's just kind of like a visitor to your tongue." (11:08)

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What’s in a Name?: Cantaloupe, Hitler, and Name Baggage (12:00–16:16)

• Pete jokes about how having a different last name might have affected his marriage prospects (“Peter Cantaloupe” vs. “Hitler”), which segues into a genuine conversation about people with unfortunate surnames (12:15–16:16).
• They discuss a Namibian politician named Adolf Hitler and the social burden of name heritage, with Pete playfully skirting an accent as Valerie calls out “Gen Z” sensitivities (15:04–16:03).

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Growing Up & Knowledge Gaps: Lennon, Mac Miller & Kids & Lyrics (16:23–21:16)

• Pete discusses being confused about historical figures as a child (e.g., confusing John Lennon with Lenin), describing that 11-year-old feeling of not knowing things (16:23–17:39).
• Anecdotes about their niece/nephew rapping along to songs with inappropriate lyrics, and debates about how many listens it takes to memorize a song—using AI to settle the debate, often poking fun at their own cluelessness (18:09–19:35).
• Parenting dilemmas about swearing, "bad words," and Will Smith references for the next generation (19:35–21:16).

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Relationship Deep-Dive: Love, Sex, Evolving Intimacy (34:07–36:58)

• Pete introduces “newlywed game” style questions:
  • What would they do with a sudden $50,000? Both agree: Paris (34:07).
  • How will their relationship improve in the next five years? Pete jokes, “My balls will get lower” (34:40), but both reflect seriously on growing more honest, deepening intimacy, and gaining freedom as their daughter grows.
• Valerie: "The relationship is always changing and evolving and...deepening. Like, deepening is the only word." (37:31)
• Pete: "The concession for us is...we get to. So it’s not just sex, I guess...but it’s like, we’ll get to date more and spend more time." (36:13)

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Therapy, Childhood, Depravity Mindset, and Scarcity (39:25–54:39)

• Pete shares a therapy story about how childhood messages—like "get it before it’s gone"—instilled a “depravity mindset.”
  • Recalls winning a soda at camp by working harder than the other kids, feeling like he had to “steal nutrients from his twin” to survive (43:05–51:15).
  • Reflects on his parents’ messaging—especially from his mother—about “bigger, better deals” and how this fed his anxiety about being left out or unloved (53:19–54:26).
• Notable quote:
  Pete: "That’s the depravity mindset. Of course they abandon. There’s a birthday party...you lose." (54:05)
• Valerie offers perspective on these inherited cycles and how Pete is a “cycle breaker” for their daughter (54:34–55:33).

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Parenting: Responding to “I hate you” and Big Feelings (57:03–61:49)

• The duo delves into how to handle children’s outbursts—especially statements like “I hate you.”
• Pete: "People don’t even know how they feel. They’re telling you how...it came from Byron Katie. Someone says, ‘I hate you.’ Is that true?" (57:03)
• Valerie describes different approaches: letting words hang in the air, calmly stating, "I don’t believe you," or simply asking, "Is it making you feel better to say that?"—emphasizing compassion and boundaries (60:52).

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Marriage & Embarrassment: The Restaurant Incident Story (61:49–73:45)

• Closing out, Pete tells a story about a family dinner gone awkward—navigating parental stress, vacation fatigue, over-ordering food, and a small moment where Valerie felt embarrassed by their interaction with the server.
• Valerie: "I went, oh my God, I'm embarrassed." (69:53)
• The story grounds the podcast’s themes: that even “wonderful, happy families” have messy, awkward, or tense moments—and that it’s normal and human to feel weird, embarrassed, or triggered by seemingly small things.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (With Timestamps)

• "The times we haven't done it, I feel a little weird. So I am a little superstitious, it turns out." – Pete (00:55)
• "It's like telling a taxi driver to stop texting. Very difficult." – Pete (07:04)
• "A pear hangs over this boy." – Pete, on family folklore (05:45)
• "That's a perfect name for a great hand jobber. Jessica Plendy is out there rubbing them." – Pete/Valerie, riffing (07:21)
• "It's the new cleavage... it's the bottom of the ass. That's where everything is." – Pete, on beach fashion (29:15)
• "Being sexy... it's never about how much of the male body I can get away with seeing." – Valerie (29:39)
• "We did it. We found a way to do it. That’s what we want. And we’ve turned it into a joke.... It’s kitsch. It’s not kitsch. I'm rock hard. I love this." – Pete (30:34)
• "My balls will get lower." – Pete, relationship five-year prediction (34:40)
• "The relationship is always changing and evolving...and deepening." – Valerie (37:31)
• "I grew up feeling, like, fighting for love, specialness, and safety." – Pete (40:41)
• "There’s enough love for everyone." – Valerie to their daughter (55:47)
• "People don’t even know how they feel. They're telling you how...it came from Byron Katie." – Pete (57:03)
• "Is it making you feel better to say that?" – Valerie, to their daughter (60:52)
• "That’s the depravity mindset. Of course they abandon. There’s a birthday party...you lose." – Pete (54:05)
• "I'm embarrassed." – Valerie, at the restaurant (69:53)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening & Rituals: 00:21–01:36
• Mid Fruit Philosophy: 04:02–06:05
• Med/Doctor Trust & Second Opinions: 06:05–08:21
• Attention, Fake Illness, Vulnerability: 07:49–08:26
• Food Tangents & Pulp Discourse: 08:52–12:33
• Name Baggage (Cantaloupe/Hitler): 12:00–16:16
• Childhood Knowledge Gaps & Music Lyrics: 16:23–21:16
• Relationship & Sex: 34:07–36:58
• Therapy, Childhood, Scarcity/Depravity: 39:25–54:39
• Parenting “I Hate You” Moments: 57:03–61:49
• Restaurant Embarrassment Story: 61:49–73:45

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Tone & Style

The episode retains Pete’s signature blend of intimacy and comedic absurdity—both raw and affectionate. Valerie’s warmth and insight balance Pete’s neurotic confessions and wild digressions, creating a friendly, relatable, and genuinely supportive atmosphere for deep conversation, with plenty of meandering playfulness.

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Conclusion

This episode of We Made It Weird is a window into Pete and Valerie’s ongoing project of loving self-awareness, emotional honesty, and the pursuit of joy even in life’s awkwardness. Listeners come away reassured: everyone has “secret weirdness,” and real connection means sharing it—messiness, embarrassment, triggers, therapy wins, and all.

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Listener Takeaway:
If you grew up weird, difficult, or anxious—or are raising someone who might feel that way—this episode is soothing, affirming, and very, very funny.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening? Weekenders. Okay. What's happening? Weirdos.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Don't say weekenders. I'm okay with that.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Although I am kind of super.

[Valerie]

Throw a wrench in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Every show, Matt McCarthy and I say the same things to each other. I say, do it, and when you do it, let them see you do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if it's the last show, Matt says, no matter what happens in 90 minutes, we're going home.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is just like a nice thing to. It could go the worst it's ever gone. You're still gonna go home.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when we hug each other and I go, be yourself. Have fun. Every single time.

[Valerie]

Cute.

[Pete Holmes]

And the times we haven't done it, I feel a little weird. So I am a little superstitious, it turns out.

[Valerie]

Well, I changed it to weirdos.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. No, no, no. I'm not so superstitious. There's a window. It's like a three second rule.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. You can drop. Yeah. That's cute. I love that you guys have that.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. It's very cute. So speaking of the things we always say, I always say this, but it's true. This is a great. This is a great one. I love this episode. It's a sleepy summer series for sure. Because it's like 3,000 degrees and we're so glad you're here. I don't know what else to say. It's. It's. I don't. We laughed.

[Valerie]

We laughed.

[Pete Holmes]

We learned, we shared.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

As I joke, there's $10,000 worth of free therapy in here. Vulnerability, honesty.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We talked.

[Valerie]

This is like a. Maybe a relationship one.

[Pete Holmes]

And also some of my therapy talking about. Remember that story about the drawing and.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true. I mean, there's a story I hadn't heard yet. There's a child.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always good to do this after I have therapy. Anyway, we're glad you're here. My tour dates are on peteholmes.com. i do want to mention the Largo one. I think that might be the one I'm most excited about promoting. Find My City. I don't even know how to navigate my own website.

[Valerie]

I saw that recently and I was like, this is new.

[Pete Holmes]

Closest to you, Sacramento sold on. So good. Well, this is also releasing in a week. Will this have already happened? Okay. Largo is once a month. I don't know what day. Check out July 16th either. Thanks for coming. Or come then after that we have Portland, New York, Verona, New York. Vancouver, San Luis Obispo, Madison, Seattle, Portland, San Diego, Phoenix. We're glad you're here. We're glad you're here. Phoenix and spells to cast on your parents is available for pre order. I just did the audiobook yester. Yeah, it was so fun.

[Valerie]

Love it.

[Pete Holmes]

So fun. And that's it. We're glad you're here, Valerie.

[Valerie]

Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Mornings have a rhythm. You can hear it, feel it. And at Quaker, we fuel it with 100% whole grain oats and a good source of fiber in every bowl, helping you turn that rhythm into your soundtrack for a great day. Fuel to start, whatever's next. Quaker official sponsor of FIFA World Cup 26. And we're live from the living room as Doug eyes up the match. Say spread. He's reaching for the buffalo wing. Perfect. Hang on.

[Valerie]

What's this?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he's gone for a can of Pepsi too. Incredible. What a finish. Sensational combination. Look at the delight on his face. There's no doubt about it. He just takes tastes better. Match days deserve Pepsi. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a pack of Pepsi. Zero sugar for today's match. It's poetry in motion. What is. What is life? What is life?

[Valerie]

Who are we?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

[Valerie]

What are we doing?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean it like that.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What is. Look, look, you're going to like this better, okay? What is life? Life is. Life is what life is. Cantaloupe.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Feta cheese.

[Valerie]

Cantaloupe was your friend. You look like one of the most.

[Pete Holmes]

What is life?

[Valerie]

Mid things in life.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, but if you get a good cantaloupe.

[Valerie]

If you get a good cantaloupe.

[Pete Holmes]

Cantaloupe. Let's make a list real fast.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Foods that if someone from 1699. So the witch trials are freshly over.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

They come to our time and we serve it to them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they spit it out immediately because it doesn't even recognize. They don't recognize it as the original taste. I'll start. Cantaloupe.

[Valerie]

You mean you think the cantaloupes were way better than.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes,

[Valerie]

I'm talking to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yes. Cantaloupe. Tomato.

[Valerie]

Tomato for sure. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, pineapple's holding on, isn't it?

[Valerie]

Oh, 100% pineapple. There's no pineapple. And mango, I would say even.

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird that there are certain fruits that you eat it and you're like, it couldn't be better.

[Valerie]

But did they have access to those fruits? Raspberry in 1699.

[Pete Holmes]

1699.

[Valerie]

I feel like they were only eating apples.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so right. With a butter knife. You cut it with a butter knife. Or as they called it, the knife.

[Valerie]

The knife. The one knife. Maybe they got a pair or two.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't know. I think pears showed up in the early 80s.

[Valerie]

You remember when pears showed up?

[Pete Holmes]

I remember I was born and they were like, it's the year of the pear. It's good fortune. What they said was, a pear hangs over this boy.

[Valerie]

A pear hangs over the.

[Pete Holmes]

And people would go, balls. And no doctor. Grow up. Doctors used to be.

[Valerie]

They used to be even worse.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Where do you stand on, like, don't go to the hospital if you want to stay alive.

[Valerie]

I actually. I have a more positive association with the hospital than most people do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, trust in the state.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, I'm not a part of the system. No. I do think, like, I just had. I have this thing where, like, if it is in my charge to take care of something.

[Pete Holmes]

Your charge.

[Valerie]

I feel a lot of anxiety, and then I can trust. It goes back to, like, I trust other people more than me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But I trust doctors more than me.

[Valerie]

That's what I'm. Yeah. So you. So I'm sort of adding it. You actually both do have this. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like, when people are like, I'm gonna get a second opinion. Aren't you, like, rude a little bit?

[Valerie]

Like, are you gonna break it to your doctor that you gotta.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I mean is you say. Some people just say to their doctor, I getting a second opinion. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like telling a taxi driver to stop texting. Very difficult.

[Valerie]

I mean. And I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's your life in both cases.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I don't totally trust doctors. Like, I've heard of plenty of, you know. I know plenty.

[Pete Holmes]

Plenty of Jessica Plendy.

[Valerie]

Yes. Plenty.

[Pete Holmes]

I got a hand job from Jessica Plendy.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. That's a perfect name for great hand

[Pete Holmes]

jobber Jessica Plenty is out there rubbing them.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But I just remember the one time I was really. Or two times that I was, like, kind of hospitalized. The main one being when I had Leela, that my feeling was like, oh, my God, you guys are all just gonna take care of me now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we were talking about, like, the temptation, like, being ill, you know, when there's, like, a fake ill and you kind of get it.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, real Ill? Yes, real ill. Awful fake ill. Though you're actually quite well. But you get all the attention.

[Valerie]

Well, I think that's why that's like a thing that people do that.

[Pete Holmes]

But wouldn't you worry? I know I would. If you're like, I'm gonna pretend I have this to get people lovin and living and living.

[Valerie]

Lovin' and laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

Wouldn't you worry that you were gonna get it? Like, isn't that just the most obvious thing in the world?

[Valerie]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a boring movie. Well, she pretends that she has a thyroid condition.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To get attention or to get out of that thing that you need to have a healthy thyroid to do.

[Valerie]

I love.

[Pete Holmes]

We all know what the thyroid is.

[Valerie]

Movie about a thyroid condition.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, no one said thyroid before the year of the pair. 1982.

[Valerie]

A hundred percent thyroid. Probably after ozone.

[Pete Holmes]

I was talking to a friend. The smell of ozone. We all know the smell of ozone. You know the smell.

[Valerie]

Smell of ozone? No, I don't. No. What do you mean the smell of ozone?

[Pete Holmes]

Ozone.

[Valerie]

The ozone layer.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Ozone is something that you get when you like, you know, when I run. I'm such a fucking. No. I love me. I just forgot for a second. I love me. But like, I'll buy like a, like a light. What is that called? Ultraviolet light.

[Valerie]

Uh huh.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know, sometimes I run it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In the sauna. Deal with it. I'm fucking.

[Valerie]

And you think everyone knows the smell of that.

[Pete Holmes]

There's other things that run on ozone. If you walked into like a cool storage place in a restaurant, you'd smell it and you'd go, what is that? And I'd go, that's ozone. And you'd be like, I know that smell.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to take you as.

[Valerie]

When I smelled that light person for the first time, I was like, I've never smelled anything.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny because the thing I put in the fridge that keeps things, supposedly keeps things fresh, makes ozone.

[Valerie]

I. I never made that connection.

[Pete Holmes]

Frozone is Sam Jackson. Sam Jackson's in Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction is a movie that Kevin Bacon has seen.

[Valerie]

Oh my God. An orange juice with pulp and bacon is a great breakfast. And.

[Pete Holmes]

And bacon. Oh my God. Oh my God. I didn't get it. You just surprised me at your arm. Yes. What a fun thing. There are these little like getting things is like touching two wires and there's like a ding and you're like, ah. I was a thrill to get that. I thought you Were just saying some nonsense and then I was like, what? Oh, Pulp Fiction. Kevin Bacon. Pulp.

[Valerie]

Pulp and bacon. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why isn't pulp in OJ the norm?

[Valerie]

More popular?

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's weird.

[Valerie]

You think it's weird to drink pulp?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was raised with the.

[Valerie]

With the clear. Clear.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, with the reg.

[Valerie]

I like it. I actually.

[Pete Holmes]

I like it too. I like it too.

[Valerie]

Nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Made a comeback.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's the crunchy peanut butter. You're like, look. Is it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I like crunchy peanut butter.

[Valerie]

I like crunchy peanut butter, too. Is it better? I don't know, but it's good. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you having with crunchy peanut butter? You're crunching something with pulp. Oj. You're just. It's like eating. I'm not trying to gross anybody out, but it's like oysters. It's just kind of like a visitor to your tongue. You don't really chew it. Yeah, you might a little. You might give it a little.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you go, I'll do a little. If.

[Pete Holmes]

If pulp in OJ was kind of sticky, like a little, like tacky, almost like a. Like an overcooked caramel, but tastes like orange pulp would be ruling the world. Like if there was more to it.

[Valerie]

If there's a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

People get turned off by stuff that you're like, what the are you? And that's me yelling to a glass of pulpy orange juice. I'm going, what do you want from me?

[Valerie]

What is life? Is it cantaloupe? I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Feta cheese. Tell me what life is. Go. You do it.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What is life?

[Valerie]

Summer days.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good. It's a summer day right now.

[Valerie]

Cannonballs into cantaloupe.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, cantaloupe. Can. Can of balls.

[Valerie]

You are on a cantaloupe can.

[Pete Holmes]

Cantaloupe moment. It had my name was Peter Cantaloupe. Would you have married me?

[Valerie]

I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I was like, hi, I'm Peter Cantaloupe?

[Valerie]

I would laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you'd say, if you don't want to tell me your real name, that's fine.

[Valerie]

I would be like that. Is that a bit. What is that? That's your last name?

[Pete Holmes]

I do actually think. Worth a go.

[Valerie]

I'm changing my answer, cuz I think I might find you more endearing.

[Pete Holmes]

Surname Hitler.

[Valerie]

It says Hitler. That's a great. I also want to know that one.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to know Cantaloupe. But let's, let's. Let's bring Hitler into this.

[Valerie]

It Filled in Hitler.

[Pete Holmes]

Small number of people still have the surname Hitler, although many changed it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Pete Holmes]

Aside from their remaining blood relatives who live quietly and intentionally. I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

And intentionally had.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought they lived quietly and intentionally, like, with intention. Who live quietly and intentionally had no children. Intentionally had no children.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Individuals with this surname today are not related to Adolf Hitler. Because he didn't. How do you know that?

[Valerie]

Did his relatives intentionally not have kids because they didn't want the Hitler gene? Like, they didn't want to risk them?

[Pete Holmes]

You're not going to take my name, are you, Daniel Hitler?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. But. But it says intentionally had no children. Not intentionally gave their children a different name. Like, are they thinking, like, there's a

[Pete Holmes]

Namibian politician in 2020 named Adolf Hitler.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Was elected. He won. How good are you? How good are you?

[Valerie]

Handled the fact that Obama was Hussein. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy's name was Adolf Hitler. Unoma. Unoma.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Two use Noma. U. Noma was elected.

[Valerie]

He won in 2020.

[Pete Holmes]

In the Om Punja constitution, it's one of our words. Constituent constituency.

[Valerie]

No, constituency. Constituency.

[Pete Holmes]

Constituency. Constituency in Namibia. This whole thing is filled with things that are hard to say. Ooh, Nona. Ooh, Nona. Nona. Om. Punjab. Constituency in Namibia. Namibia. Namibia is too hard for me.

[Valerie]

In Namibia.

[Pete Holmes]

The constituency in Namibia. I got a constituency in Namibia. Sorry. Is that Adolf? Adolf. They named him Adolf.

[Valerie]

I know. Like, his name was already. This person was named Adolf Hitler. Like, Adolf Hitler after Hitler, a Namibian. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I really. I want everyone to know. I really want to do an African accent and go, yeah, I have the name.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Nope, I'm not. That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah, I'm not gonna do the scene. I'm not gonna do the whole sketch. Hear me out. Hear me out, woman.

[Valerie]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

They're in their own home.

[Valerie]

The people listening to this.

[Pete Holmes]

No, the guy saying woman. It's playful. They love each other. Hear me out, woman. It's not like, in front of others to make a show of it.

[Valerie]

Okay. You're defending his right to say. I'm worried about your right to do that accent, I think. Not his right to say woman.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not great. I don't think. I think it's okay.

[Valerie]

I mean, it's not to, like, the gen zers for sure. Because I know for a fact. Because I have a friend who did do that voice in front of her teenage daughter and her friend, and they were like, oh, my God, you can't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Valerie]

We're not gonna get into this conversation.

[Pete Holmes]

I know a lot of the people we're talking about. If you trim down me, wondering if I'm out of this would be a five minute podcast. I can't believe he won.

[Valerie]

Okay, now, what about.

[Pete Holmes]

Who did he beat? Stalin. Who did he beat? Yeah, Pol Pot.

[Valerie]

What was Stalin's first name?

[Pete Holmes]

John Lennon.

[Valerie]

No, there's Lennon.

[Pete Holmes]

When. When. I think I've probably talked about this. When we were in high school and they were talking about Lennon's tomb.

[Valerie]

I know, Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. I was like, John Lennon. Why is it in Russia?

[Valerie]

Or it was in Russia the same way.

[Pete Holmes]

Why'd they bury him? And is that what that song is? Is that why I. I'm telling you, we have a very clean slide of what it felt like to be me in high school. There's so much basic stuff I didn't know same. I felt that. So our. My nephew. Niece nephew. Your niece nephew. Our niece nephew. We're just visiting and I remembered hanging out with White, who's 11 now, going like, there's so many things he doesn't know, but he can't. And then sometimes he does know them. Yeah, but there's just a lot that's the feeling of being 11 is you're like, we. We were driving and we were. He wanted to listen to Macintosh Miller too. So we put on Mac Miller. And he was like, put on whatever. It's my favorite song. And he was in the backseat, he's 11, and he was rapping along. He's like, I'm gonna take you from behind and. Come on.

[Valerie]

It's not that. It wasn't that, but it was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like, I'm gonna.

[Valerie]

No, it was like. It's like filler up every day. Like, it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like these girls are on my gonads. So I got like an 11 year old with like a high, you know, 11 year old voice just being like in a slap a.

[Valerie]

It wasn't that bad, but it was.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't that bad, but it was bad. It was sexual. That we weren't violent. Like, look, I like my tits double Ds and my neck on my knees and the cheese and put in your bees.

[Valerie]

Yeah, just something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Bees or butts.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It was very funny. And you. And I just kind of drove going, well, he's not ours.

[Valerie]

Yeah, well.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, I mean, he's in our charge, to use your word, and we love him. But it did get. I Felt like we were like, if

[Valerie]

we made it a thing, then it would be a thing. But he literally is just mate, you

[Pete Holmes]

know what I mean? He's not like, if it was Leela, I would have been like, well, it is my place to be like. I don't know if we should listen to this. But he knew the words. He's clearly listened to it. To know the words to a rap song, you've listened to it a lot. I'm gonna. But what's the number, do you think?

[Valerie]

Oh, 17.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say more.

[Valerie]

I think for kids, they have, like, a pretty.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they're free.

[Valerie]

Spongy. Yeah. So it could be like 5 to 10 times.

[Pete Holmes]

10 rap along with it.

[Valerie]

10 times? I don't know. I have no idea. And I'm also not interested in this.

[Pete Holmes]

I am. How many times does the average and

[Valerie]

I need to sing along to dirty

[Pete Holmes]

songs be able to rap along with it from memory? You think she does?

[Valerie]

Well, she does. She and I listen to songs.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not gonna know. There's no official scientific standard for this. 15 to 30 listens. We were right in the pocket.

[Valerie]

17.

[Pete Holmes]

We were right in the pocket.

[Valerie]

5 to 10.

[Pete Holmes]

So what, you were adjusting 10 to 15. Did I say key factors? It doesn't say the speed, the age of the listener.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to Two Idiots using AI.

[Valerie]

Leela, the other day asked for a dirty. She was like. We were in the car, and she was like, I don't know why. I just. I kind of want to listen to a song with bad words in it. And so I played for her. Bitch better have my money.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why she's responding to me. I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

And she was going like this. She was like, fuck. Did that. Did that upset you when I said that? Because I have said. Did that shock you?

[Pete Holmes]

Have I shocked you?

[Valerie]

Have I shocked you? No, but because I said to her, I kind of was like, it is very silly like that. That is a bad word. But then things like hate and stupid and idiot. Idiot. Like, those words are not considered bad when that would be way more likely to hurt somebody's feelings. So then she started going, did that hurt your feelings? And I was like, no. And she's like, see, why is that a bad word? Like, she's. So I've gotten her a little bit worked up about words, but she knows.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. Are you looking at me? Because I'm usually a little bit more uptight. Yeah, but I. But she does when it comes to Leela and swearing. Wyatt was swearing and your brother was like, buddy, you're taking, taking advantage of the. What was it? He was like, you need to pick your moments.

[Valerie]

Yeah. He's saying you're, you're, you're taking too many liberties with that.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I said, remember what Will Smith said? Easy on the swears. Hold doors, pull out chairs. Easy on the swears. There's nothing that Will doesn't know.

[Valerie]

I bet 11 year olds don't even know who Will Smith is.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure they do. Men in black. They know Men in Black.

[Valerie]

Are they? I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't think so?

[Valerie]

I, I'm not saying I don't think so. I'm saying I really don't know if they, if they know about that. I mean, when did he do the slap? That was like 20, 21, I think so. That was five years ago. So 11 year olds were six when that happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Wow.

[Valerie]

Not that people don't watch Men in Black after the slap, but I just am saying most of their life it's post slap Will Smith.

[Pete Holmes]

Psws. Hi, we're psws right now. Psws.

[Valerie]

Okay. What is life to you? What is life?

[Pete Holmes]

You go, okay, yeah, let's do another. What is life? What is life?

[Valerie]

Clearly mine was summer related.

[Pete Holmes]

3.5 discs, like flop, not floppy disk hard disks that you put into an Apple iig's. And there's a sound.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's that sound the monitor makes when you, you put it on. And there's a, you can hear the computer thinking. There's click clack of what is life for you.

[Valerie]

Life is wondering if you own a stapler, if you even have a stapler, because you never need it. But then you're like, I think I can picture one in the office.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask, here's a difference between you and I. Have you ever thought about buying like a very good photocopier? Because you know when you're in like a. Or it prints too. And faxes. You know when you're in an office, you're like, they have like an infinite ink. This thing can print a thousand and have be real. I know. You always will be. I've thought about that many times. Like just how awesome it would be to have the same kind they have. In the New Yorker office.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In our, in this office.

[Valerie]

I've never thought of that. Like having a home one. But I, in the same way that, you know, I like my first job was at working at a coffee shop. And I'll jitter bean and I'll like fantasize about like really whipping it on the. The big espresso machine.

[Pete Holmes]

La Manga. What is it called?

[Valerie]

Well, that's like the. Yeah, the new. Or I don't know if it's new, but that's the type of espresso machine that other people.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it La Manga?

[Valerie]

I don't know. It's something like a type of anime, I think, anyway. But just like, I loved working that machine. And then I actually do have that for copiers because I worked in an office for a really long time. Make. Making copy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yes.

[Valerie]

And then I. When I was a teacher. So much of being a teacher is actually making copies. You're doing a lot of like putting a book down onto a copier and then like, so I could really work it. Like, I knew how to like make it collate. I knew how to make it staple.

[Pete Holmes]

This is sexy.

[Valerie]

I like, this is sexy. I used to put my butt on it.

[Pete Holmes]

I have we talked about this.

[Valerie]

I'm kidding. I didn't do that. Every bold journey starts with a decision to go. And if you're ready, the Defender is too. This is a vehicle built for more. Whether you're heading off the grid or just getting out of town for the weekend, Defender is a true icon reimagined for a new generation. Its rugged exterior is built from durable materials and tested in the toughest conditions. Inside, it's modern, functional and refined, with smart storage and premium touches that keep you comfortable wherever the road leads. It's packed with tech like 3D surround cameras, ClearSight, ground and rear views, driver assist features, and an intuitive infotainment system. With three models, the Defender 90, 110 and 130, there's a Defender for every kind of adventure. From city streets to remote trails, this is a vehicle that, like you, is capable of great things. Explore the full Defender lineup@land roverusa.com this

[Pete Holmes]

episode is brought to you by our friends at dad Grass. It is summertime. It's time for friends. It's time for fun. And trust me, if you're having people over and still just putting out the usual fare, you need to up your game. Because when I put out new leisure drinks by dad Grass, these are sparkling Yuzu flavored cans that ship legally to all 50 states. If you're over 21, one that have 3 milligrams of THC and 6 milligrams of CBD for the perfect, in my opinion, buzz that makes you feel happy and relaxed and gets you merging into that social situation, having more fun at that game night, enjoying that movie just A little bit more and laughing so much more. They are stackable, meaning it's a pretty mild buzz, but they're stackable if you want to do it bigger. And they are fast acting which means you will feel it in about 10 to 20 minutes. It's not like some mystery edible that you take in. Six hours later it hits you and you're trying to have D with your parents. It's not like that. You know how you'll feel in about 10 to 20 minutes. And they are delicious. And every time I put them out, boom, gone. More people want them than you think and you want them more than you think. And like everything dad Grass does, it is taking the edge off without blasting you into outer space, which is what I love about this company as a whole. They have joints, they have gummies, they have cbd, they have cbg, they have. They have basically gummies and joints that don't get you stoned but just relax you if you don't want weed. But if you do want a little bit, try their leisure drinks. They are amazing. Try all of their products, including their joints at [e-mail] weird and use promo code weird for 20% off. That's dadgrass.com weird promo code weird. Before I got my Apollo Neuro, which is a piece of wearable tech that I wear on the inside of my wrist. Val wears hers on her ankle, which is very subtle. People don't even know I wear it, even in bed. Before I did, I used to think I was bad at sleeping, like it was a character flaw. But it turns out I just need a little help. And what I love about Apollo Neuro is that it gives you that help. It helps your body unwind by speaking to it in a language, the language of touch, that your nervous system can understand and gently calms you down when you're about going about your day and helps you fall and stay asleep without any chemicals. You don't have to ingest anything. It just calms you down, telling you these subtle, almost sub perceptual vibrations. Hey, you are okay. Mostly at night, it's my favorite. But all day I rock. It helps you focus, helps you energize, helps you be calm, helps you be social. And like I said, they have these smart vibes AI which automatically adjusts throughout the night when you're sleeping. That helps you stay in rest mode instead of suddenly deciding it's time to think about every awkward thing that you've ever said. I don't know if I'm the only One that feels that way. If you've done all the quote right things about sleep, but still feel wired at bedtime, I really recommend checking it out. Go to ApolloNeuro.com weird. You'll get $99 off. That's a P-O-L L-O-N-E-U-R-O.com weird. For 99 bucks off. How did we do. How did we do it? How did we. When photocopiers came, we were like the. I'm gonna say the second thought men had was, could we get a lady to sit on this? And now it's like a thing. Like a lampshade on a head. It's like if you're in an office party, you're like, of course I'm just gonna make photocopies of my cooch and just hand them out.

[Valerie]

So the photocopier at the church. Cause, like, so much of my life was, you know, running around a church in off hours, and there was, like, an office, and it was just like being kids, you know, teenagers in a. With, like, limited access to all this stuff. And we used to do the face. We did the face on the copier,

[Pete Holmes]

which never looked right, but face is the precursor to ass. You're on your way to.

[Valerie]

I want to say somebody definitely did. A boy did, like, ass. Like, so it wasn't like he was

[Pete Holmes]

only doing it to be like, hopefully, no big deal. Yeah, I thought. I tried to talk about this on stage the other day.

[Valerie]

Like, you could sit on it too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. It's no big deal. It's like the guy that wants to watch a porno because it's funny.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So much more of the bottom of asses is showing. I sound like an old guy. Kind of sound pervy, but, like, it's noticeable. Like, it's the new cleavage. Like, you see the ass cheeks. And I said to you last night, I was like, it's the bottom of the ass. That's where everything is.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not like the middle of the ass is where the vagina and the butthole are. It's right where your. And I was just like, it's pretty.

[Valerie]

It's so interesting being a woman who is attracted to men because, like, I would say I think about sex a lot and. But a part of it isn't, like, how much of a male's body I can get away with seeing. Wait, so, like, it just. It's like, you know, it's like men think about sex all the time. It's Like, I'm. I'm a pretty horny bitch. I'm thinking about it a lot too, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but. But third of the lower.

[Valerie]

Lower butt. I. Part of it. It's never about, like, how much of the male body I can get away with seeing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Whereas for straight men, it seems like it's so much about.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I'm saying. The photocopy asked thing. The feeling. If I'm being real, I shouldn't even be telling you. This is. We did it.

[Valerie]

We found a way to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

We. That's what we want. And we've turned into, like, a joke. Joke. And we're like, secretly. A furnace is bubbling over that. We're like, I can't believe they think it's funny. And. And kind of like, not. It's folksy. It's like, kind of like pop. It's like. What's the word I'm looking for? It's like, folksy. It's kitsch.

[Valerie]

It's. It's kitsch.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kitsch. It's not kitsch. I'm rock hard. I love this. And then, like, the showing of the ass. This is the thing. I'm not going to defend this. I'm just saying, like, that's one of the things that men can't believe is happening. It's so in our favor that, like,

[Valerie]

you'd show butt cheek.

[Pete Holmes]

It's unbelievable.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But also being sexy is.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I talked about on stage. I was like, is it like a thrill? And then I was like, I can get in touch with a part of me that's like, if people really wanted to see my ass. And I'm like, just kind of letting it out and walking down Fifth Avenue. And there's my ass.

[Valerie]

I mean. Yeah, it's the same with cleavage. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. It's bottom cleavage. If you were standing on your head, it would be cleavage. And I made the point that when we went and saw whale sharks, which are the size of school buses, and they're sharks. They're like whales and sharks. Whale sharks.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a lady with a pretty basic butt, but she was wearing a thong. And every time she swam by, I stopped looking at the whale shark.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you did, too, of course. We were just like, there's an ass.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just out. We went to the beach this weekend a couple days ago, and there was a. I mean, I almost wanted to say to her, thank you. You made every ass. Well, yeah, but I never would have done that. But you want to be like. It was just like being in a museum.

[Valerie]

It was just really cute. My brother was talking to me about something, like, kind of serious, and the entire time I was looking past him at this woman's ass, and she was,

[Pete Holmes]

like, in her late 30s, probably.

[Valerie]

Yeah, she. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying that to be like. I don't know.

[Valerie]

It's never too late to have a great ass.

[Pete Holmes]

But that only made the. Thanks. Like, if we could live in, like, as I imagine it is in Sweden, they could be like, I just want to say without any. Skeev. No, Nothing weird here. You have beautiful ass. This is German. Beautiful ass.

[Valerie]

With no. With nothing. Skeev.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing Skeev here. Like, I've. I've been so tempted to, like, share that joy that sometimes I've. In fact, I thought about this on the beach. I want to say I'm gay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want you to know that's a fantastic ask. Well, it's just, like, a nice way to.

[Valerie]

Like, there is something nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Then she goes, aren't you Pete Holmes

[Valerie]

and isn't that your wife?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Please keep this to yourself.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I mean, it is kind of nice, I feel. I mean, I wouldn't say it because I didn't know her, but if she were even remotely my friend, even like an acquaintance.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me 10 questions this. AI. I just wanted to ask. Go ahead. Sorry, baby.

[Valerie]

I. I would have. If I even remotely knew her, I would have been, like, nice.

[Pete Holmes]

No, if she was. I guess if she was. There's only a couple friends that we have that we could be close enough to that I would just be like. And you'd have to be with me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd have to be next to me. And I just say. I wouldn't say, your ass looks great. I'd just be like. I just want to say thank you so much for all of this.

[Valerie]

Thank you for your service.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you for your service.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That I can get into. Because she was wearing a thong, and I'm like, that must be a thrill to just be like.

[Valerie]

For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone is celebrating the year of the pair.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You feel like you look good if

[Pete Holmes]

you were suddenly given $50,000 that we had to spend on a shared experience. Experience or adventure within the next year. What should we do with it? This is your newlywed question.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay, wait. So we have $50,000, and we had to.

[Pete Holmes]

Had to spend it on a shared experience or adventure within the next year. Paris.

[Valerie]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we're supposed to write it Down. Oh, but I knew we were the same on that one.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

In what specific way do you think our relationship will change for the better over the next five years?

[Valerie]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

My balls will get lower.

[Valerie]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Your balls hanging. Throw them over your shoulder when you're older.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Can you throw them over your shoulder? You'll be able to when you're older.

[Valerie]

That's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's like a. That's a version 1.5.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. Not Continental soldier.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a Continental soldier.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe it's cuz I went to a Quaker school and they were like, remove the military. I don't like this one. What way will our relationship change for the. Well, Lila will be older.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we'll do it more.

[Valerie]

Okay. I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of times when I want to do it, and I'm doing it.

[Valerie]

We're doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, I'm not. I'm not taking. That's not.

[Valerie]

Please.

[Pete Holmes]

You know. You know. You know, I am thrilled with every aspect of a relationship. And I'm aware that often there's times where I'm like, this is a. I had it to yesterday.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, I'd make a move and Leela is in the bed. Like, she's sleeping between us. And that's fine. I. I'm not like, banging my head on the wall.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there is. I'm dreading when Leela is older.

[Valerie]

I know I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pre dreading because she's starting to put up those boundaries. She doesn't want smoochies when you drop her off. She. You don't. She doesn't want to be called baby or little girl. And I'm. I think it's amazing. I love all of it. I'm. I'm about it. And I'm like, oh, she's starting to slip away ever so slightly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the concession for us is I'm like, we get to. So it's not just sex. I guess that's on my mind because that just happened. Yeah. But it's like, we'll get to.

[Valerie]

That's a great one.

[Pete Holmes]

Date more and spend more time.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We'll get to just, like, be. I mean, we do hang out more than probably most couples get to, but we love doing it and we want to do it all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Drew Barrymore.

[Valerie]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Could you do it again as Drew Barrymore?

[Valerie]

We get to hang out a lot more than other couples.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good. They're very good. You brought in, like, the paranoia. Did I. I'm not saying Drew's a paranoid person, but there was a flavor

[Valerie]

of, like, you know what?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

I. It's because I didn't hear the way that the first one sounded like her.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

I was like, oh, I like that. Didn't know what to lean into. But anyway, we. Yeah. We'll get to go on dates more. We'll get to be more romantic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which includes peeing and vagina.

[Valerie]

I also just think. And Gross. Gross. I also just think in general. You know, your dad actually asked me, I think, maybe. Did we share this on the podcast that your dad asked me, like, what was something you didn't know about Peter before you got married?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Did we talk about the strange day and a half of lucidity from my dad? We did.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we did.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was amazing. It's like, I'll always remember it, and

[Valerie]

I guess I'm just like. You know, I just think that it's not. It's not as easy as, like, things I didn't know about you, but it's just, like, the relationship is always changing and evolving and, like. And deepening. Like, deepening is the only word I just remember if I can hone in on, like, a moment. It's like, how I felt about you after I gave birth to Leela. Like, after you were, like, my partner through labor changed where I really was, like, oh, my God. Like, I needed this person so badly, and they were there. Like, so that is, like.

[Pete Holmes]

That forges.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Things together.

[Valerie]

Totally. So I would just hope that we're just even more. And then I feel like our relationship has just gotten more. I also think we feel safer to be really honest, where, like, one. Probably one of the things that happened earlier in the earlier years of our relationship is that, you know, it's hard for us when we have to, like, bring something to the other person that's like, you know, like, you hurt my feelings in this way. Or I like. Or I just. This is. I'm feeling really sensitive about whatever. Like, it's hard for us. We really don't like having any kind of whiff of conflict. But I think we're getting better because there's just, like, so many years of being so happy with each other that we're just like, this is a drop in the bucket. Like the other day when I was like, I'm embarrassed. Cause you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Valerie]

You don't even have to tell that story.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you brought it up.

[Valerie]

But I think I kind of. I just wouldn't have done that. Like, I wouldn't have been as honest right away.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, in therapy, talked about. About my depravity mindset, which comes from, like, you know, the stories of, like, twins, and one of them dies because the other one absorbed all the nutrients.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I really feel like I grew up in this environment where it was like, get it. Like, get the chicken before it's gone and earn it. It's not given, it's not reciprocal, it's not free. It's like fucking shine and shimmer and kill and devour and steal and all. It was like. It was like being a weird. Not a weird being, like an orphan. Like a shoplifting. All these symbols have been really useful to me. The orphan that goes into the market and palms and orange. Like, I'm like, that's it. And anyway, I'm bringing that up to say, why did you.

[Valerie]

The depravity thing and the. I'm embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. And that I get upset when you have friends and laugh at other people. I'm not standing by any of you.

[Valerie]

This. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think it's interesting that now you can say, hey, I was embarrassed. And I can be like. I think if, you know, this is in defense of therapy or advocating therapy, if you know why you feel that way. Like, I can say, I grew up feeling, like, fighting for love, specialness, and safety.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When I see you giving love to someone else, I feel like you're. You're spooning from my pot. Like you're giving them my beans. My beans. And I. And Claudia, my therapist, talked about the Maasai warriors do this gesture where they. Basically, I just have my hands palm up, both of them, and you move them forward and then back. And it's this gesture that they do in dance that means reciprocity. It's like, if you do this enough, you don't even know who's taking, who's giving. You just, like, care for each other.

[Valerie]

And I was like, that's nice.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And I was like, she reminded me. I was like, that is a value of mine. I'm not just transactional.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not just trying to steal and kill. That. That's the old way. I get lit up by reciprocity and witnessing and a good standup show. And I was talking about how I'd never do, like, a meet and greet where I just shake everybody's hand for $100. You know what I mean? Like, it's just too Transactional. Like, I don't like how that feels. I would do it for free. And we tend to have a little moment. A little moment with the fans. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's interesting that you're saying that about the reciprocity, because I was sort of thinking the point that she was making is, like, you also get from giving.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You're not just getting from getting.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's exact. That's exactly what she was saying. It totally blurs. And I was obviously using a good show. I love the feeling they're enjoying it. If we can really make it a circle. That's one of my favorite feelings in the world. But I don't know if I told this story on the pod, but it's a core memory of mine. I was at camp, and I do want to tell the story where you were embarrassed, because I think that's interesting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was at camp, and there was a contest. It was like a day camp, not a sleepaway camp. And there was a contest, and they said in arts and crafts, which, of course, we called farts and crafts. They said, make a poster. I'm like, eight years old. Make a poster for the Olympics. Because the Olympics were happening, I guess, Summer Olympics. And I looked around. They were like, if you win, we're gonna pick the top five, and we'll read your name in the assembly at the end of the day. And the top five will get a can of soda, which, of course, was like getting a fifth of whiskey. It was like, an amazing.

[Valerie]

The biggest thing you could get.

[Pete Holmes]

Big deal. Does this sound familiar, by the way?

[Valerie]

I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

I looked around farts and craps teacher said that nobody cared. I watched everyone's running around playing grab ass, and I saw this opportunity where I was like, if I give this any effort, I'm gonna win.

[Valerie]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I noticed a potential to win.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My brother is in this farts and craps class. He's running around. Nobody's doing shit. So I saw.

[Valerie]

It's like, people don't even care about soda.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I don't think they were thinking it through. It's a little bit like the marshmallow game. They could play grab ass now or have a soda later. I was like, wait, a soda is better?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it was like a little businessman. I was like, oh, there's a. There's a opportunity here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna make sponge daddy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. Where the story gets a little spicy is I remembered that my gym Teacher. Art. Still Art. Sills. Art. Stephen Sills. His initials were ass. He had a poster in his office that said, reach for the sky with a girl on a balance beam. And that's what I drew.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I know it's a little naughty, but

[Valerie]

they had to have known that's a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I talked about this in therapy, and the protector, meaning the aspect of myself that feels safe when I'm celebrated and rewarded and acknowledged and all that stuff. He was tickled pink that I called it. I said, I plagiarized this thing. He just thought that was so funny.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, you're eight and you want to. You wanted to win. I. As. I'm talking about it with you right now, I can get in touch with how this is a story about a kid who stole an idea.

[Valerie]

What? No way.

[Pete Holmes]

A little bit.

[Valerie]

If Leela did that, we would just be like, that's so cute that she thinks that we don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this.

[Valerie]

We think that we're gonna think that she thought of a woman on a

[Pete Holmes]

balance beam, said, reach for the sky. You think they knew I got it from somewhere?

[Valerie]

100. Also, reach for the sky is, like, a term.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, this is like with. I was with Nathan Fielder, and I was talking about how I wanted to do a coffee table book about comedian set lists. But there was a guy I met in Montreal, another comedian, and he was there when I kind of came up with the idea. Like, I was talking about it. Oh, somebody should collect it. He was like, that's a good idea for a book. And I kind of felt like we had collaborated enough that it was our idea. So I was like, oh, I need to find that guy. Or I said to Nathan, I was like, do you think I need to. To find that guy? Because I didn't know his name. I was like, it would be hard to find this guy. And Nathan goes. Which was kind of a burn. He goes like, that's like going, I came up with that idea for a book of photographs of lighthouses with that guy. Meaning it's a basic idea. It's a general. General dumb idea.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even dumb. Just, like, obvious.

[Valerie]

Like, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Comedians all have set lists. Musicians all have set list. Like, set list. Like, it's not fucking amazing. It's not a revelation, by the way, since I've done had that idea, people have asked me for my set list because they're doing the same thing. It never seems to happen.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a night. It's like lighthouses.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So What I'm saying is the reach for the sky thing.

[Valerie]

Yes. That it was gen. That it was general enough.

[Pete Holmes]

He I oh, you remember the feeling though of going that Picasso thing. Like, great artist Steel. Like, I was like, I was learning that. I was like, wait, that's a good idea. That could be for the Olympics. It's like, yeah, it's like the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Right? Isn't that what it's called?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's another book called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a.

[Valerie]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying that Mark Manson, I don't know the guy who wrote that book. I'm not saying at all that he stole that. I'm just saying like people might see like Kanye west put out that album. The great Kanye west put out that album called I Hate Being Bipolar. It's amazing. That's not his. That's like fucking subway graffiti. And he, I'm pretty sure said he saw it written on a wall. So literally I saw mine written on a wall and I Kanye Wested it. I have a lot in common with Kanye West. I'm just kidding. This show is brought to us by our friends at Article. I've been talking a lot about these because we genuinely love our new deck chairs that we got from Article. They come pretty much assembled, they look incredible and the ones they replaced are laughable. The way that it's designed, it's sleek, it's quality, it's not going to break, it's easy to adjust, and they get a lot of compliments. I didn't know a pool chair on your deck could get a compliment, but it does because. Because everything that Article makes is sturdy and beautiful and comes, like I said, mostly assembled. We couldn't wait to start relaxing on these bad boys without using those little hardware bags that drive you crazy. That's what I love about Article in general, they make really well designed furniture that feels like it'll last. Whether it's your, your style is mid century modern, coastal Scandinavian or somewhere in between. Everything has that clean, thoughtful look and it's easy to mix pieces together without your house feeling like a furniture showroom. They also offer fast, affordable shipping across the US and Canada. And if you ever need help, their customer care team is available seven days a week. Plus there's a 30 day satisfaction guarantee, so you can shop with confidence. Article is offering our listeners 50 off your first purchase of a hundred dollars or more. To claim it, visit article.com weird and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com weird. For 50 bucks off your first purchase of a hundred dollars or more. Got a Sam's Cafe pizza. Order up. You know the best part about this spicy Italian sausage? I voted for this topping.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just another perk of being a member. Come join us. Sam's Club. Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan, $15 a month. Even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Valerie]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. Terms.

[Pete Holmes]

So anyway, in therapy, I was like, this is that thing. When a comedian starts, they're doing their three top three influences. You don't steal jokes, but you do have ways of speaking, ways of thinking that you've absorbed. You're part of an ecosystem. Yeah, but that story is interesting. And it was. I knew I was gonna win. Not. Not just because I had taken the idea.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's say, reappropriated the idea, but because I actually tried. I remember thinking, I'm drawing a girl.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody saw that coming.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Totally on a balance beam. Yeah. You strategized about it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I fucking won. And it changed my life. I'm in assembly. I'm sitting with my brother Val. I remember this vividly. I remember where I was sitting. I remember the milk carton. I'm sorry, milk crate filled with cold sodas. And they called. I know. And they called my name. And I acted surprised. I fucking knew I won. I wasn't the first one. And I remember my brother, his face was like, what? And I walked like the fucking King of England. I felt it changed my life. And I reach. I'm pretty sure I got grape fucking grape soda.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

It was off brand. It was like supermarket brand.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's like Select Safeway Select.

[Pete Holmes]

It was Safeway select or Stop and Shop Pop. Stop and Shop Pop. And I fucking. It was the sweetest drink I had ever drank.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Changed my life.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's when I was like, oh, yeah. Take the nutrients from your twin. Like, just absorb the world and win.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's so Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I mean, that is, like. Yeah, I'm sure that can be traced back. It also was, you know, reinforcing messaging that you were getting from home from your dad about winning.

[Pete Holmes]

Get it?

[Valerie]

You know, like, get it.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not given. It's not. It's not given. That's why, you know, I. I have a depravity mindset. It's something that I've had to.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Work against. So when the. Our niece and nephew were here, like, I catch myself having the pettiest thoughts where I'm just like, what is this? And it's because there's a part of me that can't stand that someone is getting more attention. And I'm not proud of this at all. I'm embarrassed to share this, but kids just sort of win. With Leela, I'm thrilled. And with Annie, it's a little bit like it's a girl, but another male who's getting bigger. He's eating my food. That's how I feel. I feel like a lion.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like. And he's constantly eating, and I'm like, that's my food. Like, by the way, Derek, if you hear this, please know I love. This is my family. I love these people. Wyatt and I walk the dog together. We go on bike rides together. We have a special, close relationship. I'm saying there's a scared, wet, frightened, wet, meaning, like unsheltered, vulnerable part of me that's like, if this kid's getting love, if he's getting snacks, will there be enough? Will there be enough for me? And it's fucking hard to keep a lid on that part.

[Valerie]

Well, that also, you know, for good reason. Reason we can understand. And being compassionate towards, like, that is how your mom feels, I think for sure. So that's. And we learn from our parents what love is.

[Pete Holmes]

Baby, I've told you that my mom, one of the things. And I'll. I love my parents. I'm just saying if somebody canceled on me, if a friend was gonna come to my house and play, but then they were invited to a birthday or something and they didn't come. My mom. So that's an interesting thing. How are you gonna frame that? And my mom, you know, she's like a truth telling person, and so she thinks, you know, she's speaking the truth. She'd go, they got a bigger, better deal. They got a bigger, better deal. And, like, that's what people will do. They'll abandon you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you invite someone over and someone else is invited to a birthday party, they'll abandon you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And my mom had that in spades in her life. And that's the depravity mindset. Of course they abandon. There's a birthday party. There's ice cream and a water slide, and you lose. You lose. And they go. It's a big. But the bigger, better deal. That is a fucking. That's a trigger for me. It's, like, hard.

[Valerie]

And that's such a detrimental message to give a kid. And we have to, you know, like, you are already doing it. But this is one of the.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I tell Leela bigger, better deal all the time. I'm just kidding. I never would, because I know how it felt. Yeah.

[Valerie]

This is one of the ways you're a real cycle breaker. But, like, Leela yesterday was crying because one of her best friends, she was like, she, she was just having big feelings in general, but she was like, she's not even my friend anymore. And I was like, what do you mean you hung out yesterday? And she was like, she's talking to another person, and they're her best. They're like, that's her new bestie now.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. So I passed it down and.

[Valerie]

No, no, I was. I'm just thinking. I think that, like, we'll have. That's the problem is that that is a child like, yeah. Belief. And, like, your mom just didn't ever have a chance to outgrow it. And so then she. So it's like you have to directly counterbalance the instinct to be. Like, I have to be the only special one, otherwise I'll die.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. That. That's what it is.

[Valerie]

And what I said, I was like, I had, like, the worst headache of my life. And I was on our massager, and I was barely alive while she was meltdown. And I just went, baby, there's enough love for everyone.

[Pete Holmes]

That's hilarious. That's amazing. I really appreciate that. And that's. That's reciprocity. And with Leela, you know, you can say somebody. She's in how to Train youn Dragon in Town, and she got the play and she got the part of a dragon. And she really wanted a part of a dragon, obviously. And one of her friends didn't get a part of a dragon. And that friend said, dragons are stupid after the fact.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Leela said, and, you know, blah, blah, said, dragons are stupid. I was like, I, I, When. When parenting works, I know you're just like, this is a thrill.

[Valerie]

It almost will indulge us, like, taking these Wins. One win.

[Pete Holmes]

One little win.

[Valerie]

Just know there have been ten fails.

[Pete Holmes]

Million whiffs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It didn't work at all.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I went, baby, it sounds like someone might be sad that they're not a dragon. And instead of being sad, it's safer to be angry.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And to see something just make themselves feel better that it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I go, I've done that. And Leela goes, me, too.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Good job. Good job, Dada.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But by the way, that's good stuff for us.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, people. One of the great lessons. One of the great lessons of my life is people don't even know how they feel. They're telling you how it came from Byron. Katie. It's like someone said, I hate you. Is that true? Do we. Do they know how they feel?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're feeling a lot of anger and sadness. And it's helpful with a toddler because Leela was saying, I hate you this morning because I won't let her have a phone. She's seven.

[Valerie]

She picks that fight every time she needs to, like, let out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because she knows she won't get it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she was like, I hate you. But I've talked about this before. I always just go, like, I don't believe you. You don't hate me. And then. But she was really digging in. And she's like, basically, I want you to die, essentially, or never see you again. And then, like, you know, an hour later, she's like, I love you, Daddy. You're the best. But not in, like, a recovery. She's not trying to make me feel better, because that's a parenting win, too. Is I'm just like, I don't believe you. I know.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I've been wondering how to, like, respond to that, because, you know, there is sort of the Dr. Becky Kennedy thing of, like, when the kid says, I hate you. Just let it hang in the air and don't respond. What they're really trying to say is like, I hate this feeling, of course. Which is so good. And that's what we've done for a long time. And now I'm like. Like, you're seven. Like, and that still is relatively young. But I'm like, at what point do you also. And me specifically, as a woman, as an example to her, the, like, you. And some. Something I've said to her once before was like, I don't let anybody talk like that to me. And you shouldn't either. Like, so I'm trying to, like, also convey that but, like. But then you're. It's just so tricky because you're like. Then the other messaging that I want to give is like, you can say anything to me because I. Like, I can hold your anger, even if it's directed towards me. I'm not easily threatened by that. Like, I don't take it personally. I know it's not personal. I'm so attuned with you that I know that you don't mean that. Which is what? Like, I don't. I don't believe you. Is. Is kind of getting at, which I

[Pete Holmes]

say it, but it's really more about my attitude. Like, I'm very calm, and I'm like, you. You don't hate me.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but I also. But it's tricky. Yeah. So. And so sometimes your. The response is like, yes, I believe you that this feels really bad. Like, I just address the feeling. But I've started. She said it today. She was like, you guys are the worst parents in the whole world. And. But she wasn't that mad. Like, she wasn't overtaken by emotion when she said it. So I felt like that was, like, kind of different. And so I was like, you know, you've been saying a lot of stuff like that lately, and I just want to remind you that we're not unkind to each other in this family. Like, we're. And she was like, well, Dada was being really unkind. And I was like, well, not giving you what you want is different than, like, deliberately insulting you. And she was like, he was. And I was like, I don't. Okay, I wasn't there. But, you know, and then I can

[Pete Holmes]

assure you I was.

[Valerie]

I knew you weren't, but, God, I was gonna say something that another way that I responded, like, I'm all over the map with how I respond to that. And I. Cause I. It's truly because I don't know what position to take and exactly how to handle it. But I said, oh. She was, like, having big feelings about, like, plans changing. She has a hard time with that. And she was like. And she was really upset this time. And she was like, I hate you. You're the worst mom in the whole world. I wish you didn't exist. And I went, is it making you feel better to say that?

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. Isn't that good?

[Valerie]

That one, I think is good. I'm just. I'm just reflecting. Feel better to say that because there's a little bit. It's like, kind of a double meeting and. Meaning where you're like. Like, it, like, if it is, that's

[Pete Holmes]

a good one for grownups.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it making you feel better to say that?

[Valerie]

There's a little bit of, like, there's, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great one, Val.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's sort of like, if it's making you feel better to say that,

[Pete Holmes]

then but for life, it's also a gift for you because you're considering, like, it's probably making you feel better to say that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But actually, I feel like it doesn't make her feel better to say that. That's sort of the point I was making is like you said, think saying these mean things when you're mad is going to feel good, but it doesn't. You're pushing me away, and I'm somebody who's here to help you. That's not gonna make you feel better. And that's the lesson I'm trying to teach her. But maybe it does make her feel better. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I love that. In closing, let's tell briefly the embarrassing. Just, I thought there's some life there.

[Valerie]

I'm not sure that we did. Didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

We didn't.

[Valerie]

Oh, we didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd remember.

[Valerie]

Because you feel embarrassed about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, what I like about this story is for all of the flexing and loving and we've done, it's nice to go, like, on vacation. All families just kind of, like, reach a point. And we had never done that before where we, like, we're at this meal. Lela was like, I won't give all the details. Lila was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood because Lela got in a bad mood because she wanted something. I will say she wanted a video camera because she watched Mitchell's Versus the Machines. I love that movie. The character in that movie makes short movies with a video camera.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she's like, I want a video camera. I was like, baby, I would love. And this is the key ingredient, because I'm trying to participate. I'm like, I would love to make short films with you. We can write scripts, we can make storyboards. Like, what would your idea be? She's like, I want the video camera. And I'm like, well, see, that's the thing is we don't really need that video camera.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like the old way. Now we use our phones. So we are. There's good news.

[Valerie]

We already have the equipment.

[Pete Holmes]

We can do this. So it's not really about the camera. The thing. It's about the idea. Like, what's our idea? And she's like, I want the camera. And I'm like, now. I always get triggered when I feel like I'm being the above and the beyond. Amazing parents that I always wanted. That would have been like, let's make a movie together. Like, we can do animations and we can do effects. Do you want to buy smoke bombs? Like, what do you want to do? And instead, she's just. She wants. And this is my pain talking. She wants to buy this thing to show her friends that she has it.

[Valerie]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it will never be used. It'll just sit somewhere.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm pissed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go from good news. Like, I feel like I'm being a good parent. Good news. We can do that. I want it. Why can't I have it? And I'm like, now black smoke is filling my body. And we've just been on a vacation for 10 days at this point.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was also working. I was doing shows. It's also the last night. And we're at this meal, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm like, this meal's expensive. Like, it's just gonna be like. I just know it's gonna be hundreds of dollars.

[Valerie]

But you get that way only when you.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. Yes. If you pinch me, I'll get stressed out about the closest thing. And the closest thing was this meal that we're not even really enjoying. Lila's, like, pissed and ordered filet mignon. This. I. I'm shocked. We're not like that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She gets, you know, the kids menu.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But she wanted a steak.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we want to get her a small steak. Got her a filet mignon. It's like $70, guys.

[Valerie]

I know, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It was Stephen Bartlett on Diary of a CEO offhandedly said he. He flew his barber in to give him a haircut from the uk.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

This is not that. This is not a regular practice.

[Valerie]

We don't usually do it. It was the last night. It was like. It was also a choosing your battles thing. And.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wanted to eat protein. I'm, like, thrilled that it's not deep fried. And bread.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So, yeah, great. Eat a steak. And she did. She had some of it. And then you were ordering it and we're all grumpy. Do you remember why you were grumpy?

[Valerie]

I. I actually loved that meal. Like, I was. But I was.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that meal. After I calmed down.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I was only grumpy because you guys were grumpy.

[Pete Holmes]

We were having a tiff, and I

[Valerie]

was sort of Leland. I. You guys had been having, understandably because you were with your parents, which was, you know, bringing up stuff, and then you were working. I was feeling like you guys were tiffing a lot. And that I was just like, it was triggering my thing of, like, oh, my God, you know, the vacation becomes about. And this isn't what happened. It's totally different. This is my, like, a scared part in me that I had to, you know, like, reassure. This is a completely different scenario. But I was like, all family vacations are just always about how grumpy the dad is. And the dad is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your thing. You know, it's my thing, too.

[Valerie]

I know. And I was like, is this unavoidable? Like, she's going to have these.

[Pete Holmes]

Listen to the spirits. Listen to the possession of this situation.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's actually happening is I'm upset that Leila won't accept. It's one of my least favorite feelings. A gift. I'm trying to go, like, let's. We can this dinner. I'm here for it. I'm rested. My shows are done. I'm, I'm ready. What's your. What movie should we make? And she won't stop talking about the camera that she wants, this video camera. So I'm looking out the window. Like, I'm so mad and just tight. And I'm looking out the window. Leila, at this point, is on her iPad.

[Valerie]

I think we gave her eventually. I think, yeah, she was distracted.

[Pete Holmes]

She, I, I, I clocked that. She didn't seem to notice how upset I was, which was good.

[Valerie]

I, I suggested that we play a couple rounds of Crazy eight because I was trying to, like, reunite us as a family, because I also had the thing of, like, this is our last night. It's our fancy last meal. Like, can we just be in good moods? Which isn't fair. That's saying, like, can you just ignore how you feel so that I can

[Pete Holmes]

feel better when I, I feel that way, which is possessed, like, you know, overtaken. I am like, I, I want to. Of course I'm doing.

[Valerie]

I know. That's why it's not fair.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm doing all my things. I'm trying to breathe. I'm trying to this, I'm trying to refrain.

[Valerie]

She feels that way, too.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just, like, so tight, rigid, and. And then we order the waitress. By the way, my whole life growing up in Boston with a family that frequently felt this way at meals Completely wrought up. Everyone is 10 out of 10. Tense.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a fight just paused. Cause the waiter is here, and there's so many people that are gonna relate to this. And then the waiter comes up and they're like, hey, y'. All. How's everybody doing? You guys ready for the meal of your life? And I'm sitting there going like, this lady doesn't know she just walked downstairs to hell.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're now taking orders from demons.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. And there's a specific kind of dread I get where I'm like, they're gonna see that we're. Now we're not in hell, but we're in this tight way. And she is aggressively South Carolina.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She looks like Paula Deen. And she is like, hi. I'm like, making that chit chat that just isn't done on these. There's just a lot of. Like, I just noticed there something on the floor. I thought it was a panic. It's like, we don't care.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to feed us. We're upset. Get it going. And you ordered. And this part. I'm dying. We ordered our entrees, and then it was like a steak place. And you started doing the sides. And you ordered mashed potatoes. We got mashed potatoes.

[Valerie]

You got mashed potatoes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we got.

[Valerie]

I got fried okra.

[Pete Holmes]

Fried okra.

[Valerie]

And then I was like, and we'll do the brussels sprouts too. And then I was like, that's. That's. I know. That's a lot of food. Like, saying it to her.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because we always over order also.

[Pete Holmes]

And usually I'm in an over order kind of mood. Like, if you resource me, I'm like, order all of it. It's gonna be great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in pain. You go, I know. That's a lot of food. And then. Is this how long?

[Valerie]

And then you went.

[Pete Holmes]

I went, we don't need breakfast.

[Valerie]

Brussels sprout.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Valerie]

You said you. You were just thread. I was like, I know that's a lot of food. Like, to her. And you were like, that's a lot of food. And then I was like, okay, we don't need the brussels sprouts. And then, like, we canceled. And then as soon as she walked away, I went, oh, my God, I'm embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're also skipping one part where she. You said, I'm embarrassed while she was there.

[Valerie]

Did I? Did I? Because. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

She was like, hey, it's the south. Order a whole bunch of sides. She's having fun. She's the Kool Aid man. She's got Kool Aid man energy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I go, that's a lot of food. I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

That's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you go, I'm embarrassed. And I go, I'm sorry. I just. I don't think we need three side. Because I'm picturing these gravy boats filled with sides.

[Valerie]

I really didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

And you weren't. Weren't.

[Valerie]

Thanks. No. Yeah. And I really didn't think she was there. Maybe she was, like, behind me.

[Pete Holmes]

I could be wrong, but she made a face which was, I'm gonna leave because this is feeling weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I saw that, too. And then she left. And then I thought I said, okay,

[Pete Holmes]

that very well could be. And of course, immediately, I'm just like, I'm so sorry. And it became like, I do. It becomes a joke. I'm like, let's get all the Brussels sprouts. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I die for you to be embarrassed. Please. And I'm not pleading, but I am immediately conceding the point and going like, I fucked up. Like, I'm tight and I'm upset, and it's the camera and it's the meal, and I think we need food. And then we did eat a little food, and we felt so much better.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it was way too much food.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but that's not even the punchline. The punchline is we ate food and we felt better and the clouds cleared. We were hungry, we were. Were sunburned, we were, like, tired. We were dehydrated. All the things.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, it. It's tempting to make the punchline. And I was right. We didn't even eat the sides we had. But that's actually not correct. You probably could have enjoyed some Brussels sprouts. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, keep the okra. Fried okra. Get rid of Brussels sprouts.

[Valerie]

Well, fried okra is never on a menu. That's why I got it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm joking. That, like, I canceled the healthy one.

[Valerie]

Oh, no, you didn't. I did. You didn't make the chance. The choice.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway. What. I'm. The reason I'm sharing that story. I'm sweating now. But, you know, there is a lot of you talk on this podcast about how wonderful we are, and I still think we're. That's my point is we are wonderful.

[Valerie]

I don't think people.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. And wonderful, happy families have meals where if we don't get some water and food and just a little bit of Space. Even though we're still next to each other. The storm clouds are here.

[Valerie]

It's. I'm just. The point I'm trying to make is I am certain that 95% of the people who are listening are like, that's the story. That's the story. You. Or like, I ordered a lot of food and use.

[Pete Holmes]

We have food stuff. I go, that's a lot of food, by the way. Sorry. But I noticed my parents, when we had a meal together, had a comment for everyone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the kids wasn't eating very much. My dad goes, what's wrong? You eat like a bird.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So she doesn't eat enough. Then I'm eating a lot because I'm shoveling food onto my feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When's the last time you ate, Peter? Yeah, it's fine. But I noticed there's a lot of judgments going around. You're eating too much. You're not eating enough. Try what I'm eating. Why can't people just be libertarians at the dinner table? I'm eating this. My brother, if he was here, he would tell you. He always orders the same thing. That's a problem.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Fish and chips. Spicy John. He's roly polying into himself.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Food is so charged for both of us that me having a take on what you were ordering felt more awful than it was because I had just come from the environment where everyone's like, food is who you are.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How you eat, what you eat, how much of it, how quickly, how little of it. What's wrong with you? How diverse your orders are.

[Valerie]

Yeah. He's in it. What's weird is he's probably just trying to think of things to say to people.

[Pete Holmes]

No. I can let my dad off the hook.

[Valerie]

Hook.

[Pete Holmes]

For real. But the way I felt and interpreted it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Might have nothing to do with his intent.

[Valerie]

That's right. And it's still.

[Pete Holmes]

The way I took it was like, okay. What you eat is serious.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's important when you get it right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why my veganism was like, not. I've said this before. 90 was to be like, what's the Kendrick? Not Kendrick.

[Valerie]

Kanye.

[Pete Holmes]

They not like us. They not like us.

[Valerie]

Oh,

[Pete Holmes]

the. The diss track.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love when white people say Kendrick.

[Valerie]

Kendrick.

[Pete Holmes]

Kendrick.

[Valerie]

It is Kendrick. Do you have the new Mr. Lamar?

[Pete Holmes]

I think we should have to say Kendrick Lamar.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Okay. We will.

[Pete Holmes]

From now on, for us, not all. Not all white people, but you and I are going to say we have to say Kendrick. We can say Kanye because he's become another thing. Yeah, there's a shorthand.

[Valerie]

All right, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that sounds like an edit that wasn't. That's just how it ended.

[Valerie]

That's how it ended.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

We took a breath, and we kind of left.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you're a true podcaster. Thank you, Valerie.

[Valerie]

Oh, thank you. Have a great weekend. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, It's Friday. Have a great weekend.

[Valerie]

And keep it crispy.