We Made It Weird #261

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — We Made It Weird #261

Release Date: July 31, 2026
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie Chaney

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Episode Overview

This episode offers a freewheeling, deeply personal, and often hilarious conversation between Pete Holmes and his wife, Valerie Chaney. They explore themes of secret weirdness, personal growth, shame and humility, the challenges of friendship, emotional regulation, aging, creativity, family dynamics, and the ongoing dance between authenticity and societal “masking.” The flow shifts fluidly from light-hearted comedy to honest self-reflection, peppered with meta-conversation about their dynamic as co-hosts and frequent callbacks to movies, books, therapy, and their daughter, Leela.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Co-Host” Dynamic & Podcast Vibes

[04:11] – [05:10]

• Pete jokes about Valerie not being a named co-host, despite their evident shared chemistry and collaboration.
• Valerie calls out this subtle hierarchy, leading to a playful meta-analysis of their roles:

  “It doesn’t say ‘We Made It Weird with Pete Holmes and Val Chaney.’” – Valerie [04:50]

• Pete admits this stems from inertia and technicalities (like not updating the intro), rather than intent.

2. Admiration, Bias & Double Standards

[07:01] – [10:00]

• In discussing Reggie Watts, Pete confesses to unconsciously admiring men who are “free spirits” and feeling more judgment toward women with the same traits.

  “I tend to be harder towards women that are this way… And I also, for no reason go, I bet he’s invested in precious metals. It’s just sexism. It’s just an unconscious—” – Pete [08:47]

• Valerie connects this bias to Pete’s family dynamics: a highly capable father and a mother who seemed less so, which shapes his expectations.
• They both humorously and seriously confront these socialized double standards.

3. Comedy, Sexuality & Shame

[12:24] – [13:23]

• Pete and Valerie riff on themes of sexual double standards in humor, referencing “My Dad Wrote a Porno” and noting the thrill (and social construction) of finding "naughty" women in comedy more titillating.

  “No, this is about my sexual proclivities, thank you very much. Which are enmeshed in my biases. Like, what do you want? I’ll concede. All of it. All of it. Yeah. I’m a yard sale of shame.” – Pete [10:32]

• The playful banter includes Valerie recounting a vivid dream, with Pete repeatedly interrupting her for comedic effect. The dream evolves into insights about directing and exposure—a strong metaphor for Valerie’s own creative journey.

4. On Friendship, Conflict & Growth

[24:01] – [27:13]

• Pete shares about a recent falling out with a close friend, wrestling with the discomfort of not clicking after a decade of friendship.

  “When you’re 47… it’s tempting to just go, and there are some people that you’re just not gonna click with.” – Pete [24:04]

• Valerie references therapy: challenging friendships can be valuable for personal growth, especially for people-pleasers.
• Pete cites Carl Jung and Richard Rohr, emphasizing that self-knowledge is found through mistakes, not perfection.

5. Shame, Humility & Aging

[31:16] – [33:47]

• Both hosts reflect on their younger selves, including Pete’s cringe-worthy adolescent humor caught on VHS.
• Pete wants to give a TedX talk on “Humility, Humiliation and Being Human,” tying these themes to both growth and comedy.

  “What I’m realizing is like, we don’t age well. This is part of—this is what we’ve been talking about. Humility, humiliation, and being human…” – Pete [36:01]

• They stress the importance of “transcending and including”; moving beyond past behaviors but still having empathy for previous versions of ourselves.

6. Parenting, Projection, & Multigenerational Weirdness

[45:18] – [47:36]

• Pete and Valerie discuss their daughter Leela’s stage performance, with Pete noting her “aliveness” and penchant for stealing the spotlight—traits he recognizes in himself.
• They tell an anecdote about young Pete writing an essay about a friend and interrupting it to praise himself, paralleling Leela’s own scene-stealing instincts.
• The connection between nurture and nature is explored with warmth and self-awareness.

7. Masking, Authenticity & Neurodivergence

[52:45] – [57:09]

• Pete riffs on the idea of masking (presenting an inauthentic self to fit in), noting that it’s both a coping strategy for neurodiverse people and, on some level, something everyone does across jobs and daily interactions.

  “Masking is acting in an inauthentic way to please other people. Yeah, that’s one way to put it... Did I call it life? As I call it life. Yeah, life. I was like, everything is masking.” – Pete [54:17]

• Valerie pushes back, clarifying the specific challenges for neurodivergent people, but agrees that society—by nature—means everyone “acts” a little.
• The tension between living authentically and cooperating in a group is humorously compared to the “Wild West.”

8. Emotional Regulation & Would-You-Rather

[62:12] – [63:29]

• At a family dinner, Pete asks if people would prefer the ability to speak every language or have complete control over emotions. Most pick languages, while Pete and Valerie are baffled.
• Discussion turns to the value and pain of feeling emotions deeply, and how artists may actually need that intensity.

9. Transcending, Including, and The Sacred Dance

[66:09] – [70:10]

• Drawing from Richard Rohr and polyvagal theory, Pete & Val observe that real emotional growth requires moving through pain—not avoiding it.
• “Survival dance” is contrasted with “sacred dance,” likening the (often painful) learning/training phase of life to the possibility-filled era that comes with self-mastery and regulation.

  “Things need to fall apart again and again and again. And the thing that we feared most needs to happen over and over for us to… believe that we have the resources and can make it through.” – Valerie [70:06]

10. Closing Bits: Slice Ad & Voiceover Improv

[72:10] – [74:28]

• The episode ends with a playful, improvisational riff on doing voiceover for Slice soda:

  “Slice. Catch your thirst.” – Valerie (several versions)

• Pete coaches Valerie through various “reads,” reflecting on how even voiceover is full of subtle “masking,” performance, and vulnerability.
• The last segment loops humorously and gently back to the show’s overall themes: playful self-awareness, risk, and the acceptance of self and other.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Double Standards and Gender:
  “I tend to be harder towards women that are this way… And I also, for no reason go, I bet he’s invested in precious metals. It’s just sexism.” – Pete [08:47]

• On Shame & Growth:
  “I’m a yard sale of shame.” – Pete [10:32]

• On Emotional Intensity:
  “Derek goes, every time I have a feeling, I go, ‘Oh, I get to feel this one more time.’ I was like, wow.” – Pete [63:02]

• On Masking:
  “Masking is acting in an inauthentic way to please other people. Did I call it life? …Yeah, life. I was like, everything is masking.” – Pete [54:17]

• On Creativity & Family:
  “She’s not Mr. Pibb. She’s a living probiotic beverage… So alive.” – Pete about Leela [46:53]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Co-host dynamic & vibe check: [04:11 – 05:10]
• Unconscious bias toward carefree men vs. women: [07:01 – 10:00]
• Sex, comedy, double standards, and dream metaphor: [12:24 – 17:43]
• Friendship challenges & the value of conflict: [24:01 – 27:13]
• Shame, humility, and cringey adolescence: [31:16 – 36:01]
• Parenting, projection, and Leela’s weirdness: [45:18 – 47:36]
• Masking and authenticity for all: [52:45 – 57:09]
• Would-you-rather & emotional regulation: [62:12 – 63:29]
• Survival dance vs. sacred dance / Polyvagal theory: [66:09 – 70:10]
• Slice commercial voiceover riff: [72:10 – 74:28]

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Tone and Style

Equal parts philosophical, confessional, and silly—Pete and Valerie’s rapport showcases their willingness to be vulnerable, poke fun at themselves, and dig deep into life’s “weirdness.” Their banter is inclusive and self-deprecating; even as the conversation gets heavy, the tone is never grim, always buoyed by laughter, insight, and a sense of communal journey.

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For New Listeners

This episode is rich with inside references and callbacks, but it stands alone as a compelling look at how two creative partners process their past, present, and the bizarre, beautiful complexities of being human. Whether you’re here for the laughs, personal growth wisdom, or lifelong weirdness, you’ll find something to enjoy—and probably recognize a slice of yourself along the way.

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Ends with a pitch-perfect improv:

• “Slice: catch your thirst.” – Valerie, coached by Pete [74:18–74:32]
• “Keep it crispy.” – Pete [74:32]

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie Chaney]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, everybody. Boy, I do say it every time, but I mean it every time. I'm stuck. This one's great. This one's great. We're so glad you're here. This is. We made it weird. 16116.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, 261.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry, 261. But 261 and 260 are going to be re. Listens for me. As I already said, we're just in a really beautiful time and have a lot to figure out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this one, tons of laughs. I would say. Last episode was an all time for me. This one's an all time. Plus laughs.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is extra fun.

[Valerie Chaney]

I feel like you, like, you're all, like, sprawled out, like your feet are on the summer.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I put them up at the end. This is for the intro.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm just saying, like, that's the vibe of this. This feels like very. Just like a. Like a sweet little summer episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Slice. You'll get that in a minute.

[Valerie Chaney]

You'll know. If you want to know what slice means, you gotta listen all the way through.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Can I say. Can I say that I know Madison, Wisconsin is a show I want to shine a light on because we just added a late show on Thursday. Thank you to everybody. The first five sold out, which is incredible. And we added a late show Thursday, and I think we're going to be filming this for the special, so hopefully you can be there. There's now tickets available on PeteHomes.com it'll take you there to Madison, Wisconsin, late Thursday. So now tickets are available. And speaking of tickets available, Portland, Maine, and Verona, New York. Verona is a casino. Portland is just a regular show, I think. But I think those have quite a few available. So come on, east coast.

[Valerie Chaney]

Go to petehomes.com come on. Come on, east coast.

[Pete Holmes]

What's going on?

[Valerie Chaney]

You. You know what you're doing?

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe Mainers. Maybe Mainers. Wait till the last minute.

[Valerie Chaney]

Mainers think it's Mayers. Wow. I've been saying manan.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure someone goes maniacs. Like, that's like. That's a fun one.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's a good one.

[Pete Holmes]

You never party with a maniac. And they're like. And they're just eating smoked fish.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what it does.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just.

[Pete Holmes]

I love Maine. I love Maine. Maine loves me. But hopefully you can be there. Petom.com that's all I'm going to say. Spells to guess on your parents in the YouTube specials. In the meantime, Valerie, get into it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Introducing Meta glasses. You have questions. They've got answers.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, Meta, what's the capital of Peru?

[Valerie Chaney]

Lima. How do you say where's the restroom in Spanish? Donde esta Alvano? Hey, Meta, is a hot dog a sandwich? Technically, no. Spiritually, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, Meta, what should I do with my life?

[Valerie Chaney]

That's one of life's biggest questions. What do you think? Ask anything with the new Meta glasses.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Upfront payment of

[Valerie Chaney]

45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12. Month plan required. $15 per month equivalent to taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms. Just keep it breezy.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it breezy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Keep it breezy?

[Pete Holmes]

Can you say keep it breezy like you're on a voiceover for this soda? Slice? Yeah, Slice is coming back.

[Valerie Chaney]

Great. Glad to hear it. Honestly. Refreshing. Just in time for summer.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're just any. You're just the only person I want to talk to. That was just perfect. It was perfect. It was Valerie. But it was also good podcast co. Not that you're the co host. I'm just saying I am the co host.

[Valerie Chaney]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I guess my name's on the mess. I've never thought of it that way.

[Valerie Chaney]

You thought of me as the guest.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. This is our. We. We do co host, I guess. Yeah, but I guess I was thinking in that term, like host. Co host. Oh, instead of co host. Co host.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, like sous chef.

[Pete Holmes]

Sous chef.

[Valerie Chaney]

I would say that's also true, that use of it. I. I think I'm a click down.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think you are.

[Valerie Chaney]

It doesn't say we made it weird with Pete Holmes and Val Chaney.

[Pete Holmes]

That's just an oversight.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's just because we could not get Reggie to. To re record.

[Pete Holmes]

That's hilarious. He's far too busy. I got Reggie before he went public. Reggie Watts, who did the intro that you just.

[Valerie Chaney]

He's the people's Reggie now.

[Pete Holmes]

He belongs to the people. What a free man. He's one of the few free people that I don't. But I think I have a thing with women. I gotta look at it. Yeah, I know. Val. I'm not. We're so we just did this great episode and this is actually only two days later.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we have. We're going on a little trip. So I'm still. For those of you who listen to number. I think it's number 260. I think Katie's numbers are different from our numbers.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wait, whose numbers are on the actual app?

[Pete Holmes]

This. This is worth looking up because the people listening are the people that listen to this podcast. By. By Definitely. Whoa.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wait a minute. My name's.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is it playing? Don't play something.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't play.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't play something.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't do that. Don't joke.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we made it weird. 260. But wait, two days ago. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Okay. Brian.

[Pete Holmes]

Jordan Alvarez prioritized. Oh, that's interesting. I guess it just kind of bumps BJA up for some reason. So anyway, her numbers are the same. Good thing we recorded that. Oh, and the next thing you hear is just me jumping off of a bridge.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. So 260. So all of the issues that we discussed are still.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but in the best. In the best way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because like I really feel turned over in this really beautiful way. Obviously we talked at length about how movies the Odyssey ever snared of it. I. That's a TJ bed.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I loved that movie but because my by life circumstances have been a little chunked.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But also I've been reading Richard. I didn't mean to get into all this. Why did I bring this up?

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know. What about the slice?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, you're. Because you were saying. Oh, you were saying something about. You have the thing with women. There was something.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, there's. There's just like I do have a thing. Like I'm like, oh, Reggie's such a free person.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, Reggie. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I do 10 if I know a woman that's also just sort of like.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Drifting. By the way, Reggie and the women I know that are like this. You're not drifting through life. I just sort of have a mix of envy and concern for the. This is my judgment less careful. And Reggie is. I'll use Reggie because he's. I love him so much. He's brilliant. And everyone agrees on Reggie Watts. He's. I think he would agree. Like, are you super careful? I don't know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I believe he seems like the kind of guy that would invest in precious metals or something. Like he has some plan.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he met somebody on a train to Amsterdam and they were like, you need to. And he did. Like, he's in bitcoin. You know what I mean? Like, I feel it.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think, you know, I have that bias. I do. I think we have this. I. It comes out more in admiration, but I do think both of us have, like, a little jealousy for specifically that type of person who is both carefree and capable.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And your way of dealing with that is being like, when it's women.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's why I brought up Richard is. I'm esconced. I'm covered in shame. Like, I'm dealing with insecurity.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't want you to feel shame.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no. I want the listeners to know that when I say I tend to be harder towards women that are this way. Yes. Rather than the. The men that I know that are just kind of like, living out there beat by beat.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I tend to be hard on the women. I'm like, these fools. And like, I'm like, look at Reggie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I also, for no reason go, I bet he's invested in precious metals. It's just sexism. It's just. It's just an unconscious.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Men care about those things. He's probably worried and planning in a way that we need. And the women, the women, what are they doing? Well, it comes from my. I'm not going to blame my mom. I'm just saying I get a lot of this stuff.

[Valerie Chaney]

I do. I mean, I don't. They have everybody. Look, everybody. Everybody reasons for being the way that they are. So that's kind of a leveling. Playing field is like. But what I'm saying is to give your parents the, you know, pass is that they also have reasons for being the way they are. But definitely the dynamic in your household was that your dad was, I would say capable would be one of the first words you would use to describe him. He was incredibly capable and competent. And your mom was like, I don't think I can drive you to your piano lesson. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. You're really giving me a chill. Like, I. This. I'll say this for this podcast. Like, you know that feeling when, like a bone is coming up your throat like a new bone?

[Valerie Chaney]

I know the feeling when it's going down.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Who's into deep psychology? Shadow work.

[Valerie Chaney]

Who's into deep throat?

[Pete Holmes]

Who's. Oh my God.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Look, I was the dirty one today.

[Pete Holmes]

You were the dirty bird.

[Valerie Chaney]

The dirty birdie.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, it's a little thrill. Give the people a thrill. We were driving around when I listened to my dad wrote a porno. And the girl is naughty.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, the guys can be as naughty as they want. They can be like. And the j.

[Valerie Chaney]

All about your double standards.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is about my sexual proclivities, thank you very much. Which are enmeshed in my biases. Like, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want? I'll concede. All of it. All of it. Yeah. I'm a yard sale of shame.

[Valerie Chaney]

Don't be ashamed.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not just shameful stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of great stuff.

[Valerie Chaney]

There's a lot of great stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

But there is. We're at the table. We're in the fucking fold up card table. Hey, you know when a yard sale is like, there's a poker table and you're like, is the table itself for sale? Let me tell you, it always is. It always is. Any poker table that you see, it's for sale.

[Valerie Chaney]

Somebody's trying to get rid of it. It's like a treadmill maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell you this. Half it, half it. They want 40, you're getting 20.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, they want to get rid of that.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't even quarter it. 10 bucks and I take it right now. You never see this fucking O' tools scented poker table that you use twice. You don't buy a poker table. You buy the hope of a future where you might have four friends.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh. Or I. You know, I thought that was funny. I know that was funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't buy a book. You buy the hope of a future when you have time to read a book.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is my thought.

[Valerie Chaney]

If somebody like hoping for friends.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what makes it so funny. The yard sale poker table is. It didn't work. You couldn't scrap together. Not just four friends, a consistent show up to your house. Yeah, four friends. That's a big ask.

[Valerie Chaney]

That is a big ask.

[Pete Holmes]

Saying I'm going to do a monthly card game at my house. That's a big dick energy move. You're saying I'm the Mufasa.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Simba, Yusimba. Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Simba.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Simba, Yusimba. Deal. Simba. Deal. Simba. You're the bird. You're the bird. You yell. I knew if I Said the bird. You would know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Of course I love you would know. Okay, wait. Speaking of salacious things.

[Pete Holmes]

Sexuality.

[Valerie Chaney]

No. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Can I just say that when the girl is sexy on that show and she's like. And the tits, the mashing, the tits, I'm like, this isn't comedy to me. I just find it very. Not, not, not, not shamefully, like, oh, I got a masturbate. It's just, like, titillating.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, that. That's sexy. That's the word.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. There's a word for it. Turns out we.

[Pete Holmes]

Chris, don't like that word. Would rather Jezebelian.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jezebelian.

[Pete Holmes]

She was Jezebelian.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, I would never do this if it wasn't interesting and quick, but I just am remembering a dream I had last night, and I think it's very.

[Pete Holmes]

Write a dream, lose a reader. Write a dream, lose a reader.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Write a dream, lose a reader.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know, but I'm telling you, it's quick.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not Lose a listener.

[Valerie Chaney]

But here's the thing. If you interrupt me throughout, it's gonna take forever. And then it is a that tree is far away scenario where I'm saying something.

[Pete Holmes]

Watch this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Not interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Watch this, watch this. I love that you're saying it like, watch this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Gonna be so.

[Pete Holmes]

Watch this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Keep interrupting me to say, watch this. Watch, watch,

[Pete Holmes]

watch this.

[Valerie Chaney]

Ooh, he pushed the mic away. Okay. It's so quick. I had a dream that I was, like, you know, whatever. It's kind of like a warehouse. I was in a warehouse, and there were all these different rooms. And in one of the rooms, it was like this gorgeous golden light. It looked kind of like virgin suicide lights. And it was like, I was just, like, with a bunch of girls who I, like, in the dream, felt very close to and was, like, friends with, and it was nobody that I actually knew. And we were all just, like, in our underwear and, like, groping and squeezing the Jurassic Park. You can't not interrupt me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not interrupting. I'm helping. I'm helping. Okay, keep going. You're squeezing.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. And we're just like. I just really sense in time, like, squeezing this. This one girl's butt. And we're like. And it was just, like, beautiful. Like, it was just, like, arms and legs and rubbing and caressing and golden light. It was so gorgeous. And then I went out to get something to drink, and I came back, and the room was this, like, stark gray room, and there were two men sitting at it. It's like a. Like one of those silver metal tables. And. And it was like I said. And it was a. Like this guy with the music. I know, but this should have been for. The other part.

[Pete Holmes]

Was this guy.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, see, the music isn't going with it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'll stop it then.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, it's just like this should have been for the. Like. And then there were the women.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I understand.

[Valerie Chaney]

I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

I kept. We all kept hoping that it would sync up perfectly, but, you know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You miss 100% of the shots you take. It turns out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just trying. I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually miss 100 of the shots I take.

[Valerie Chaney]

I take. Either way, I'm missing 100.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm missing a lot of shots. It was very funny to me.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I'm so glad that you were able to entertain yourself while I told something.

[Pete Holmes]

I was also listening and listening to how it was syncing up. Keep going.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just trying to make it quick because it's sucks to tell people about your dreams. But it was like this stark, like metal, harsh environment. It was this man that I didn't recognize. And then my brother and I sat across from my brother. And there was like a blinding light. Like a spotlight facing me. But, like, so I couldn't really see. Cause the light was just like so bright. And the feeling was just like, oh, it's so bright. I can't even like see you guys. And I'm being so exposed. And then I remembered that I was still like in my underwear and was just like, my brother's here.

[Pete Holmes]

This. This is about your movie.

[Valerie Chaney]

100%. That's what I was going to say. It's so just impressive that the psyche is really.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't get me started.

[Valerie Chaney]

Nailing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't get me started.

[Valerie Chaney]

Knows exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't get me started. Your deepest, the most basic be in the world.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's never read fiction.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Who doesn't watch films.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who doesn't listen to real music? I'm just trying to be pretentious. That person who just eats the same sandwich every day and whatever, he goes to bed and there's a cinematographer and a director and somebody doing the score and there's special effects. And your dream is the perfect synopsis of how I know you've been feeling.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'd like to pride myself and be like, I always know what your dreams mean. But your dreams are particularly.

[Valerie Chaney]

My dreams are always.

[Pete Holmes]

And we talk about those. So two levels. Your dream is about directing your film, but it also speaks to what it's like to direct A film. Because we've talked about this before. Every project. I just started noodling with something. I started just noodling with something. You're.

[Valerie Chaney]

Let me play music while you talk.

[Pete Holmes]

Now that is just great. If you.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually kind of. I actually kind of feel bad.

[Valerie Chaney]

I didn't mean into the bit. I was feeling such an urgency.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted you to. I thought I. Look, I know how it went. It didn't work. It read like disinterest. It read like, I'm gonna get you, sucker. It was like.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, I'm not gonna interrupt you, but I will.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like R. Rude, that song. What song? What song did I pick? Did I pick the Micro Machines song? A fast song. I picked a slow. I wanted you to milk.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know you did.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted you to read into it and go, take up space and be. Don't be Newman. Be the fucking T. Rex. Be Seinfeld. That is so funny. I was keeping it in Jurassic Parks.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

When he puts the shaving cream on the pie, I. What a fucking. Just say it.

[Valerie Chaney]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

You fucking fat. Like, they should just be text on the screen because fatties love fucking food. You know what I'm talking about?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, but why is it shaving? It's not shaving cream, it's whipped cream.

[Pete Holmes]

He's eating pie one. Because in the fucking 90s, even in a masterpiece like Steven Spielberg's Jurassic park, if there's a fat guy, he better break a chair. So if we can't have that, he better get pie. He better be in a business meeting talking about the replications of dinosaurs.

[Valerie Chaney]

He's like, no wonder we're all fucked up, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

He has pie and then he demonstrates that he can travel. And it's in the Barbasol. Yeah, and it's shaving cream. And then he puts it on the pie because he doesn't reveal that it's whipped cream. I don't think it is.

[Valerie Chaney]

He.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel strongly that it's Whip. That it's. That it's Barbasol. I feel that it's strongly Barbasol. No, because you're in customs. You're flying to Tahiti. I don't know where Jurassic park is, brother. If I did, I'd go, I don't know where it is, but you're going through customs. They go, oh, it's Barbasol. Let's make sure. First of all, no one does that, but let's make sure. And then they smell it and they go, is this Cool Whip? Then they look at him, and they go, you, if it's the 90s, you fucking piece of shit. And they let him go because they assume he's smuggling his snackies.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it actually could be whipped cream. I take it back.

[Valerie Chaney]

Three. It was. Yeah. You made the opposite argument. Accidentally made the three layers because it was like, where they are hiding the vial.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's in a Barbasol thing, but it's actually whipped cream.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, come on.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, come on.

[Pete Holmes]

N. This is premium podcasting. This is premium podcasting.

[Valerie Chaney]

Podcasting.

[Pete Holmes]

And I apologize.

[Valerie Chaney]

The sound it makes when it. Oh, yeah, I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

But the clicking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. That's like, deep in my cells.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like putting the tesseract into whatever the tesseract powers. There's something about something that fits perfectly. Ma ding dong.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I can think of something that fits so perfectly. It's my ding dong.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my ding dong. That should be on. Okay. Cupid. It's like alignment. Like, after you have sex once, you should go, how. How aligned were you?

[Valerie Chaney]

How did that ding dong feel?

[Pete Holmes]

It's not personal. This is my dating site.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The first. It's a survey. The first question. You're gonna love it. It's a picture of Tim Robinson. Maybe on the zipline.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it just says at the bottom. Yes. No.

[Valerie Chaney]

Great. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you. If you don't know what it is, you better click. No, I don't want openness to this. You better.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's not even that.

[Pete Holmes]

It better be. Hell yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

If you don't know what it is or you don't like, I mean, I have to believe that if you know what it is, you have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Move on.

[Valerie Chaney]

But.

[Pete Holmes]

Move on.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Number two is after your first sexual encounter, how. How. Gun holster. Did it feel?

[Valerie Chaney]

How. Or ergonomic How?

[Pete Holmes]

Ergonomic. What? I feel like wind resistance down there.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, ergonomic is, like, the correct ways to move your body. And is it? Yeah. How tempurpedic, I guess, is another way. I'm just saying, like, did your bodies know? Yeah, like, my arm is here. Your arm is going this way. We're going this way. We're flowing, we're dance.

[Pete Holmes]

And it doesn't have to be 10 out of 10. There's some positions. Look, full disclosure. That we don't do because we just don't see.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm not even talking about. Which I do actually think people assume that about. Because our body sizes are so.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you so different.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because I'm so teensy and you're a giant man.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in the. I feel like people are always like.

[Valerie Chaney]

The joke people make always is like, what? I can't even picture it. And it's like, you know, there's so many ways to have sex. I know there's actually only a few positions we can't do, but I wasn't even talking about that. I was talking more about like, not like specifically intercourse, but just like, you know, when you're making out and you're rubbing up on each other, like there's like a weird that it can be all fists and elbows.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny when. When I would explain the. The. The thing that happened with. With a dear friend who I love that I just didn't vibe. Like, I just wasn't. I went too far.

[Valerie Chaney]

And this is not a sexual thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I see why you're saying that.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I had the thing that I alluded to last that I don't. That I will not go into the details in respect for the friend, but there was a. I was a jackass. And when I would explain that to dear friends, it was funny. Some people would just be like, you know, some people are just oil and water. And I don't think that's true of this friend. But they were just trying to go like something that I didn't really consider especially. There's something that's very middle aged about what I'm going through. Crisis. I don't think it's a crisis. I think it's a chrysalis. I'm kidding. My friend has a podcast called Midlife Chrysalis. It was wonderful. I was on it. Anyway, I think. What the am I saying? I don't know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wait, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're 47, you do. And I don't want to do this, but I do think it's tempting to just go. And there are some people that you're just not gonna click with.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I mean, I think there also

[Pete Holmes]

is something to that. Okay, I'll go. I'll go out the other side.

[Valerie Chaney]

But I. Oh, there's a side door. But I think when you've been. And why it's not right for this situation is like when you've been friends with somebody for a decade, that's probably not the time. I mean, I don't know why it.

[Pete Holmes]

What you just say Wyatt.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I said, why it not Our nephew.

[Pete Holmes]

My nephew just Wyatt was here yesterday. And I'm like, I get along with Wyatt.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I said, why it's not this situation where you just.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why you don't name your kid Wyatt, man.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's a. Those are two words that people say put together.

[Pete Holmes]

Wyatt. It's not my problem. Like, that's how you tease them. And the winner of the baseball competition, Wyatt something. I'm happy. This is a terrible.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know what you were trying to do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's awful.

[Valerie Chaney]

But, yeah, I do think it's a balance. It's. There is something to. I have because I have a friend who not as much anymore, but definitely used to. I would. I used to feel like this is the only friend that I ever have any conflicts with or that I ever feel, like, nervous around or, like. Like, scared of messing up around. And. And, like, I just, you know, I would have, like, moments where I'd be like, I shouldn't have friends like this. I don't want to have friends where I feel stressed out at all. But then, like, my therapist actually brought up. She's like, this friend. There's, like. It's not just that. There's a lot of love and there's a lot of, like, goodness here, bro. And it seems like it is a friend who is specifically challenging your need to make everybody be 100% happy with you all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

This is it.

[Valerie Chaney]

So she's like, I think this is a good friend for you to have in your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone that points out your fault, faults, faults follow that person. Like someone leading you to buried treasure.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Carl Jung.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm quoting Young these days.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm cool. And a lot of people have that.

[Pete Holmes]

Ash and Carl Jung.

[Valerie Chaney]

Carl Jung.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's true, and I hate it. What Richard Rort has been reminding Richard. Remembering me, reminding me of. Oh, God, is that I. I just forgot. We don't. We don't come to God or truth or self knowing or any of that by doing it right. We come to these things by doing it wrong. And that's from falling upward. And I've. I knew that 10 years ago.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm reading Just this again. I love Just this. It's a great book to start with, if you don't know Richard. It's very small, and I read every morning. Anyway, he's just talking about just that. Like, how we think good emotions aren't blinding or binding. That's his language. We think, like, lust and anger. I got to get rid of these. But you don't recognize that, like, you're. What you might think of as a good thing leads to a compulsion to keep it going.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then like you. I, I, I'm like, is this guy talking to me? A big part of this dust up was that I was like, I, this doesn't happen to me. You don't. And that's what I hear you just saying is, like, I don't have friends that make me.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And look, we'll talk out the other side of our butts all day, too, and talk about boundaries and, and curating and, you know, pruning. Pruning the friend hedge.

[Valerie Chaney]

Definitely.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll join you for that meal any day. And there's something about, like, oh, this person is. Oh, you know what it feels like? It feels like I'm up on that thing they put a car on when you, when you change the oil.

[Valerie Chaney]

Jack.

[Pete Holmes]

No, the lift.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, the car lift.

[Pete Holmes]

In England they call it the elevator, but it's on the other side of the garage. You knew I was going to say that.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I just stopped myself from making a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

What joke? I won't hear it.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can't say it. I really can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Something awful. I don't want to hear it.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'll tell you off mic.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, some things are just for us, aren't they? Sorry, guys, but you're up on that lift and they're shining that light or they're, they're hanging that, you know, yellow cone light they have, and there's just like, whatever. I don't want to tell you what my version of something I don't want you to see, but, like something gross. Just like, like nastiness. It's like, oh, look at this rot or this rusting or this dripping or whatever. If you're going with cars. Yeah, I don't have rust. I don't. I do have drip rust.

[Valerie Chaney]

The rest is the least offensive. Like a rot, rust, dripping. I don't ever.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just. You just like. Look, I am going to flatter myself by calling myself a professional musician in this analogy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, I'll go worse. I'll say I'm, I'm a rock star. I mean, I'm in a band. I'm in Poison.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not, you know, okay, Netflix is passing, but I'm in Poison.

[Valerie Chaney]

But I am in Poison.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of people that like Poison.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And the people who like it, love it.

[Pete Holmes]

They love it. And I'm not, I'm not complaining at all. I'm fulfilled being the guitarist for Poison. Now I go into Guitar center, and you're one of the guitars. And I really feel like I pick it up and you're just tuned and strung perfectly for comedy. It's just a compliment. You didn't see it coming.

[Valerie Chaney]

I didn't see that coming.

[Pete Holmes]

But the part that's sort of flattering is to myself is that there's a musician would know. I'm just trying to say, for what

[Valerie Chaney]

it's worth, I'm your instrument.

[Pete Holmes]

I play you. I stroke up and down your neck while I right the. The hole on your body.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a string and I diddle it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And it makes me sing.

[Pete Holmes]

And it makes you sing like Celine Dion. And I. And I down tune you. I don't know why that. I don't know why.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's how I have an orgasm.

[Pete Holmes]

I dated a girl, she was a bass. It sounded like Seinfeld was starting. I was dating a girl, she was like a bass guitar. I tell you, when she finished, it sounded like Seinfeld was starting.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like the most unrelatable.

[Pete Holmes]

It's nothing.

[Valerie Chaney]

But he did.

[Pete Holmes]

But Johnny Carson's just doing it in the middle of his regular monologue.

[Valerie Chaney]

You're like, I don't think he's ever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he's talking about Lee Iacocca and you can tell it's a riff. I tell you like he's feeling it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell you, I dated a woman that was like a bass guitar. And Seinfeld hasn't even come out yet because it's Johnny Carson. That's our Barbasol whipped cream. That's the next level of the bit is that it's the Tonight show with Johnny Carson, which means Seinfeld hasn't.

[Valerie Chaney]

Doesn't even exist.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't exist.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, clearly he's never had sex.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like bag of sand 2.0.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. It is like bag of sand.

[Pete Holmes]

Bag of sand.

[Valerie Chaney]

Bag of sand is so good.

[Pete Holmes]

What an iconic moment.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know there's some.

[Pete Holmes]

I love 40 year old virgin and I love Judd to death. And I'm like, I remember I. Judd would say this too. Like the part where he's like, you got to go out and get like someone drunk. Like.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't feel great. There's some. It's just. You know what it is when you really represent a time.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna.

[Valerie Chaney]

When you're the voice of a generation,

[Pete Holmes]

it's when that generation starts falling apart. Your. You know what I mean?

[Valerie Chaney]

I know it's the risk of it, but. But it also is sign that, like, we've grown. We have grown, we've changed, We Were watching.

[Pete Holmes]

What you just demonstrated is nuances. You go like, that's the way we up. We f. And we're back to roar. You fumble. You're doing it wrong. You don't even know you're doing it wrong. That's how the thing. It is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then later you just. That's how much fish. You just go like, I didn't even know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we didn't know. That's what. So when I did who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I can't say how I did. I can't say how I did.

[Valerie Chaney]

I really wish we could, but Jimmy

[Pete Holmes]

Kimmel was the host, and I made fun of him on the air for the man show because he said something very sweet. Because Jimmy is very sweet. And I was like, you're not fooling me with this new Persona. I know. I remember the man show. And he goes, which was, we're pals. He knows I'm joking. And he goes, if you had a problem with it, you should have said something at the time. And I was like, oh, my God, do I have front row seats to Jesus Christ Superstar right now?

[Valerie Chaney]

That is so Jesus Christ.

[Pete Holmes]

Because everyone can look back and go, that's wrong.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone can go back and go, should we have girls jumping on trampolines? Is that okay? Like, is that whatever it is from the man show?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

In the same way you can do it for 40 year old. The same way you can do it for every fucking thing.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, guess what? I was in the theater laughing my ass off. I've grown. I know the filmmaker in this case, I know he's grown. He's a beautiful person.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know Jimmy. Beautiful person.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are they frozen in carbonite that Han Solo's on the Millennium Falcon, growing and reading Esther Perel.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, if you should have said something at the time is so you

[Pete Holmes]

should have said something wrong.

[Valerie Chaney]

It really gets to the core because it's like, yeah, we were all fucking wrong. We were all fucking wrong. You were wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

I was. You.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. We were all.

[Pete Holmes]

I was representing you.

[Valerie Chaney]

You're. You were a fan.

[Pete Holmes]

I was going into the world asking, like a sonar ping, what do we want? What do we want? What do we want? And your frothing, screaming, crazed eyes would go, how you know how I know you're gay? Remember that part that's in. That's a 40 year old virgin.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you don't remember. You know how I know you're gay? That was.

[Valerie Chaney]

Look, the way you said it, I.

[Pete Holmes]

It was Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd, two of. Are there more? I'm not.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, people we love.

[Pete Holmes]

Ain't nobody trying to drag these people.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love these people. And we know these to be good, decent people. They were representing a style of bro stuff that just hasn't. And that was. We didn't age well, what I'm saying. Okay. So a friend of mine sent me, My friend John sent me a video. Like he had a VHS tape transcribed to digital. And then he sent me the link and he told me where I was because he knows me. And I looked for that time mark and it was me and my friend in his basement. Classic VHS thing, school project. And I remember in it my. My friend is like, I just had to vamp. There was no script. And I started vamping. And then I start like immediately being inappropriate. Yeah, like immediately being inappropriate in a way that I'm like, oh, this is just a baby. Like I'm. I'm like 19 or 20.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, oh, I'm gonna post this. And then five seconds in, I'm like, no one can see this. And it wasn't, it wasn't awful. It was embarrassing. I was just sort of like, oh, this kid. And I was like, that. What? I'm also kind of doing Sandler's voice. I'm like, like doing that. So it's not even original, but like, like what I'm. What I'm realizing is like, we don't age well. This is part of. This is what we've been talking about. Humility, humiliation, and being human. I'm sorry, did I just get invited to Ted? TedX. My thumb was over the X. It's in Sacramento. It's TedX.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's in Sacramento.

[Pete Holmes]

The guy that's doing it, he said they're not even filming it. But I want to talk about humility, humiliation and being human. Because I just have a book deal. Because one thing that I'm noticing, noticing that I have biases towards or prejudice or whatever you call it, towards women. All these things going like looking at my past and going like, oh, I was a stupid kid too. So when I see stupid kids, yeah. I go like, that was me. Yeah, that's it. When I look at kids, 19 year olds being idiots, and I go, what a idiot. I'm the person looking at a movie from 1990, whatever, or 2000, whatever. And going, that's inappropriate. When it's like, you loved that at the time. You were. Why? That was a best selling movie. You see the parallel?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. Yeah. You haven't updated, you haven't.

[Pete Holmes]

You've transcended, but you haven't included. So that's Richard. It's like we move past these things, but then we can't. It's like when someone stops smoking, they immediately become a non smoker.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

This week you were a smoker and you're lecturing me about non smoking. You just quit. Or when you quit alcohol or you quit meat or you quit eating sugar, you immediately become sober. You immediately. You're the thing. And now you defend it. You've transcended, but you didn't include. And this is what we were talking about last week. The whole thing is going, yes, when I see someone acting, a child acting foolishly, I want to look like judge it. But you have to go, but that's me. That, that wasn't. That's not him, that's us.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you do when you're an idiot kid looking, trying to figure out what's funny.

[Valerie Chaney]

Totally. Yeah. It's also like how my brother and I were just talking about how when you, so many of us, when we deconstructed our faith would, you know, being raised like evangelical Christian, then you become a proselytizer for atheism, where then you get it. It's like my brother had like, sit down. I don't think he would mind me telling you because he's, you know, past this, but he had like sit down conversations with people from the church that was like, let me explain to you why this is all wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, when he was deconstructing.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Like trying to like out of compassion. Out of compassion. But, but you, but it's not the transcending and including. It's the like, now I'm just on the other side of this and I'm doing the exact same thing. And it's, it's generally a necessary step. And then you get to the point where you're like, wait a minute, I'm telling you, believe what you want to believe. And I'm gonna go ahead and believe what I want to believe because you're me.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even in a metaphysical woo woo way. It's just like we're all just doing that. We're all, I don't know who we are is. So like, I feel strongly. I could, Somebody could watch a certain set of documentaries and make a decision, like make a change in their lives.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Something.

[Valerie Chaney]

But you have.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel. No, that's, that's what I'm saying. And what. Yes. Let's say, and I like the movie Fed up. It's about sugar. You watch that movie.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I guarantee you're gonna change how you look at sugar. Yeah, sure. But, like, don't you see how porous you are?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you and then someone else. And then I find someone else who's watching now. I think we're the same when really we were the same before we watched it. We were the same when we were eating sugar, and we're the same after. What I'm saying is. And believe it or not, because I'm being quite manic and blowhardy in this episode, and I'm Dracula dead and loving it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm having a great time. I am ripping, but I'm. And now I'm trying to use a more sophisticated tone, but I am going like, oh, you need to humble yourself. I keep thinking of father Greg Boyle, who says, if you're humble, you know, you'll never stumble. It doesn't roll off the tongue.

[Valerie Chaney]

If you're. If you're humble, you'll never stumble.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're humble, you'll never stumble.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stumble. Stumble.

[Valerie Chaney]

Humble. Or stumble.

[Pete Holmes]

And obviously he didn't make that up. But, like, I am, believe it or not, learning. Trying to learn that lesson. Trying to eat that crow and go, you know, And I. It's just part of my life is there are times when I've been really high on the hog and ripping ass through an interview. I love it. It's one of my thrills. It's. It's like my motorcycle.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is going on someone's podcast and really with love and hopefully respect, but explaining how the world works.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now I'm like. Like your brother who wants to sit people down and go, like, look, we got this wrong. Like, here's the history of it. Here's the paradox of other religions. All this sort of stuff. I get it.

[Valerie Chaney]

He wanted to. He wanted to do. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. But this is all of us.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what the elder, regardless of your age, but, you know, probably older. What the elder does is go. Is goes. I have, by grace, moved past that. And I stay in touch with the part of me that. That sees that as myself with love.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the same thing as parenting. It's like when Leila, you know, is having a hard time or whatever, I go, I remember having a hard time. Or like, Leela puts on. We watch a movie, and I don't like it. And Leela loves it. I'm very careful to be like, what did. What did you think Wasn't that fun, like. Because I remember being a kid when my parents never liked the stuff I wanted to watch, and I felt shame. Made me embarrassed. So in the same way, towards Leela, we're to, like, we're called to remember. I. I've been. And that's what's nice about being older, is like, oh, I've been lit up, and I thought I knew what it was, and I've been broken, and I thought I was a piece of shit. And guess what? The truth is somewhere in the middle.

[Valerie Chaney]

Absolutely. I'm loving that about aging. I'm in general loving aging. I mean, my body is not what it used to be, meaning I'm. I get sore and I have aches and pains, but, like. But I'm loving the inner world of aging because there is just that experience of, like, I've experienced experience. I've had so many different experiences at this point that, like, I'm just not as rattled. Like, that's what it should be. And it is weird that we've seen people get more precious and rigid. And rigid is a good word as they get older. Like, there's.

[Pete Holmes]

There's neuroscience to that. It's like the grooves literally just kind of like. It's not just. Not literally calcifying, but, like, your brain, like, hardens. This is what we're talking about with. I don't know if that's metaphor or literal, but it's like neuroplasticity. It's like you just don't. And that's what. Just this. Oh, sorry.

[Valerie Chaney]

I feel like they figured out, though, that your brain does have neuroplasticity your entire life. Like, we thought that it was just, like, through your 20s or something. Yeah. And it's just that people don't take advantage of that. So, I mean, it's really an argument for psychedelics. No, for trying new things and making mistakes.

[Pete Holmes]

Some of them are psychedelics.

[Valerie Chaney]

Some of the mistakes are psychedelics.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. You're the queen. That was so good.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to build a tower. And people go, what is this? And he's like, a man was so

[Valerie Chaney]

in love,

[Pete Holmes]

but it's still about me. Look at that tower. Wow. He built a great tower. Tiny plaque.

[Valerie Chaney]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's. Cause he was in love, but look at it shine.

[Valerie Chaney]

This episode you have written me.

[Pete Holmes]

I am a cyclist.

[Valerie Chaney]

A love note that's like, you're the guitar baby, and I'm the rock star.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the tower. I'm the architect.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm the architect that gets the attention for building the tower.

[Pete Holmes]

Thankfully, this is only a part of my personality that I feel like I am pulling out for fun. But, God, it's true. There's just a true psycho.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like, can we share?

[Pete Holmes]

Psycho?

[Valerie Chaney]

Can we share? I think we have on the podcast. No, the, like, the thing that we found from your Quaker school days of writing about your friend Miguel.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we tie it to Leela's play?

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So they had me write about.

[Valerie Chaney]

The assignment was write about someone you

[Pete Holmes]

admire, and I was writing about my friend Miguel.

[Valerie Chaney]

And you wrote, like, two sentences. And then I wrote, we interrupt this program to talk about another great guy, Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus. And it was like, look at the fresh. I'm in the buffet of humiliations, and I'm really.

[Valerie Chaney]

I wish you could see it the way I see it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm loving it. No, I do. I do see it how you see it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

There's something about, like. So we're talking about transcending and including. And clearly I. I still have that. So then Leela's in a play last night.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, like, I went back to Miguel, and then I went back to Pete a couple times.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. And you.

[Pete Holmes]

The.

[Valerie Chaney]

The, like, thing that the teacher wrote in the margin was like, it's great to feel good about yourself and also good to admire others.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. They were trying. I really put it to the Bart Simpson test. I was like, oh, you guys love everybody. Check this out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Check this out. What if I just love myself? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I went nuts. But then we see Leela. She was so great. She was in the play this past weekend, and we went and saw it four times. And the one that I didn't film had all the hits. Her helmet fell off.

[Valerie Chaney]

This was the last of four episodes, so. Episodes, four performances.

[Pete Holmes]

So, yeah, we already had our video. And one time, she's a Viking, and her helmet fell off, and it was just the funniest thing in the world. Like, she's upstaging. She's literally upstate. Like, there's a scene happening, and she's sitting in the chorus, and her helmet falls off, and it rolls quite a distance, and every eye in the building stairs downstairs and hits the floor, and we're all looking at the cutest girl in the world, Leela, and she's just like, oh. And then she, like, starts creeping down the stairs on her butt to get. And. And someone. Another kid, I think, younger.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tried to stop her. Like, put a gentle hand on her, like, just leave it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Just leave it. And then grab it when you're leaving the stage.

[Pete Holmes]

But she has. And I'm so glad she has it. She has the yeast. She's got the Becky back. The. The good bacteria. She's kombucha. She's alive.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

She's active.

[Valerie Chaney]

So alive.

[Pete Holmes]

She's not. She's not Mr. Pibb. She's a living probiotic beverage. And she's going for the thing, and she's getting it with her foot. It's hilarious. She puts it back on the whole

[Valerie Chaney]

thing, grabs it with her foot.

[Pete Holmes]

Then later in the show, there's a moment, like, the choreography, the blocking is very loose in the show, and there's lots of kids on stage. And Lila just kept going towards the front. Front. She wanted to be in the front. And then another kid came. We will leave them unnamed. We love. This kid came and kind of, like, tried to get in front of Leela.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then Leela, like, wasn't having it. Would, like, then get in front of her.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then she kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Now they're elbow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Elbowing each other, pushing each other out of the way to be in the front.

[Pete Holmes]

And I, believe it or not, I was like, oh, no, is Lilo in the wrong here? Like, is there blocking and is it supposed to be?

[Valerie Chaney]

I thought that too. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I wasn't just going, like, get him, like, a six pack. Dad, push your bag. Why the Southern voice? I'm sorry. Push it back, love. There you go. Push it back, then go ahead and push it back. I'm well read how you do. Give her how you do with the part of the bendy arm.

[Valerie Chaney]

They don't say elbow. We don't elevator.

[Pete Holmes]

You have done it. Elbow later. Elbow later. You have done it. You know what? My name's not even on the tower.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm speaking my name. But everyone knows we start a rumor. So it has, like, a grassroots, kinetic.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a word of mouth situation. Exciting.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Donald Glover's Boba shop. My love for you is like Donald Glover's love of Boba.

[Valerie Chaney]

Honestly, if it's anything. What?

[Pete Holmes]

I love you real.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, yeah. No, I think. I think he loves Boba.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. Bonjour, compadre. It's the Priceline negotiator. How do I negotiate so many great travel deals? My greatest gadget, the Priceline app. It's got hotel deals, flight deals, rental car deals, all of those deals in a bundle deals, game day deals, concert trip deals. No one deals more deals than Priceline. Hold your horses. There's more. The app lets you filter hotels by neighborhood vibe, star level, and amenities like pools and spas and beachfronts and. Wait, I'm not done. Stop cutting me up. It's mushrooms with me. Matty Mathison. You know what's better than thinking about dinner too hard not stop that and just choose mushrooms. Five minutes. Done. Dinner's that easy and you feel like a genius. It's not magic. It's mushrooms. Stop [e-mail]. look, to be honest, I feel like we're talking about how Leela, you guys get the connection.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

She's got the thing.

[Valerie Chaney]

She's got the thing that you got. And it's adorable to me. Thank God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like having the force. I go, like. And we have to teach her with the orb that shoots little lasers to trust her instincts and to, you know, be kind with great power, great responsibility.

[Valerie Chaney]

Before we got pregnant, we. I kind of hate when people do that.

[Pete Holmes]

We're pregnant.

[Valerie Chaney]

I got pregnant.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I did all of that.

[Pete Holmes]

You did.

[Valerie Chaney]

Thank you. I know you agree, although I include

[Pete Holmes]

you in other things that sometimes I did.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. But they're not as intense as.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I just. I. I wasn't trying to compare. I was trying to say, like, we like to blend.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. I'm saying I'll share other things with you. This one I did on my own.

[Pete Holmes]

You did. Trust me, Val, every once in a while you're in labor, I'm like, I would take a little break. I'd tune out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Think about something else. You were locked in.

[Valerie Chaney]

I was locked in. I did not have that.

[Pete Holmes]

You were having the IMAX experience. I would go out to the lobby and get JJ Biz.

[Valerie Chaney]

JJBiz.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

But before that. This is actually quite romantic. When I was, you know, like, feeling ready to have a kid with you, the vision I had was, like, being a mom and having, like, a. I was gonna say doughy boy. Like, when you were in your doughy phase. My daughter's face, you mean, that looked just like you. And, like, I. It was this very specific feeling of, like, I'm talking to another parent. It was. I mean, not feeling. It was a very specific image of, like, I'm talking to another parent, and I was like, he's gonna be, like, wild and crazy and hamming it up and, like, ruddy cheeked. And, like, I had this image of, like, pulling him to me and, like, wiping his sweat with my.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, on this forehead and just being like, this Kid's nuts. But I like. But like having so much love and we just had a girl and that all of that exact thing happens. She's sweaty and she's. Wants attention and she's nuts and she's like, just totally alive.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope everybody gets to feel that way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, about themselves, which is like, oh, I know the same cannon that can shoot down a wall that's blocking what you want.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And a good cannon. Beautiful cannon. Wonderful. We went in with cannons. It was wonderful. Old style, honestly. Put in the ball. They fired it squeaky. Squeaky. Would we be.

[Valerie Chaney]

Be surprised? Like, there's just.

[Pete Holmes]

It just seems on my birthday we're gonna shoot cannons. That is not even one for every day I've been alive. That's gonna be thousands of cannons.

[Valerie Chaney]

Anything is possible.

[Pete Holmes]

Anything is possible.

[Valerie Chaney]

But not in a good way.

[Pete Holmes]

Not in a good way. I was writing a bit about masking. I'm working on it. I think you've heard it come up in conversation a few times.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I finally wrote it down. I was like, okay, that's a bit. But I was like, it starts like this. I'm. I'm neurodivergent, undiagnosed. I don't want to get diagnosed. Because if you get diagnosed, then you have it. You have it hard.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You have proof, certified, laminated id. I have autism or whatever. I'm on the spectrum.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've look, with love and respect.

[Valerie Chaney]

Fact.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen it help people. Let's be real. If I'm not using my comedy voice, it helps people.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Being diagnosed, getting treatment, getting help, learning strategies. Let's put that all to one side. It also. Fudgeing triples. It's like. Because, you know, and you go like, oh, I'm weird socially. And then you just go like, this is part of my thing, and you just do it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Is that fair to say?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. It's a little.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little tricky.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, it's. I mean, I think the. The actual. That's like the comedy perspective, the comedy voice. Because the actual thing is, like, it doesn't change anything about you. You just now have more resources. And also the tripling it, I think is. We've talked about this, and this is. I guess what you're probably getting to at with the bit is that it's like people are being real, feeling relief that they don't have to mask anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't have to. I was gonna say don't have to try it. That's not entirely fair. Let me just say masking is acting in an inauthentic way to please other people. Yeah, that's one way to put it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes. Or as I call it, to fit societal norms. Norms.

[Pete Holmes]

Did I call it life? Yeah, As I call it life? As I call it life. Yeah, life. I was like, everything is masking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything is. You want to be unmasked.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You better be Jack Nicholson.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You better be, like, some legend that just goes around like. Like your tits are too low or whatever. You're just, like, an awful person. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. It's. He's a living legend. Your tits are too low. Like, just unmasked. Unmasked the rest of us. Somebody stop me.

[Valerie Chaney]

Masks.

[Pete Holmes]

Masks.

[Valerie Chaney]

Somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was thinking about how. Welcome to Starbucks. Can I take your order? Masking. Every job is masking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Every job is mask.

[Pete Holmes]

Including me. It's great to be here. That's not always true. They know it's not always true. Also, the audience is masking. I know. If. If you were just not at a comedy show, you wouldn't be laughing as much as you are.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're masking in a great way to encourage your laughter and get the show rolling. It's not authentic. It's not your deep truth to fold your arms and wait for me to really trick you. Masking. And I was like, every president masks. They all masks.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, yes, we know politicians, but I

[Pete Holmes]

was like, ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. That was masking. I. I'd like to look up what JFK was going through when he said that. Probably the Cuban Missile crisis. Well, I don't know. I don't know what it was, but he was probably under a lot of stress. He probably wanted to be like, guys, I don't fucking know. He masked.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every parent masks. We're gonna be fine, baby. Or there's just snow on the mountain. We're gonna mask.

[Valerie Chaney]

I won't let you hit me. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I won't let you hit me. I'm not. I said this to Lila last night. I went. She was like, I want to go on the trampoline. And I was like, I'm not offering that to you. That's masking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I go, you know, the only president who didn't mask, and I don't mean this in a good way, is Trump.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to take a shit. Like, he's just like, this is your inauguration.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, he.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but in comedy voice, you can say that.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, that's true. I mean, he.

[Pete Holmes]

I have diarrhea.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because you have the other bit where that proves that he is masking. Where it's like, do you think he ever is just like, yeah, like, here we go.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually appreciate that because I think you're 100. Right. But every teacher is masking. Well, yeah, that's. But that's what I'm saying.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean like any member of a society, we're sort of thinking of the whole. In civilization, you're kind of being like, look, there's, there's ways that we're gonna all agree to behave that, that might, that will lead to maybe like a more harmonious group experience than.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie Chaney]

Than just like a wild west of individuals.

[Pete Holmes]

Wild west is great. You want no masking, go live in the wild west. You know what people did back then? They shot each other.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like the look of your jib. Like what? Dead? And some bartender with the rings on his arms, that kept his shirt on the rings. He'd have like a ring around his arm. You know what I mean? He's got a white long sleeve shirt and like a ring around his arm.

[Valerie Chaney]

What was that?

[Pete Holmes]

And he's cleaning. He's cleaning a glass. He's got bangles. I don't know if that's right, but he's got bangles. And he goes, we need to start like not always saying what we think. And you know what happened next? Towers were built.

[Valerie Chaney]

Trump Towers.

[Pete Holmes]

Trump Tower. Beautiful. Do you think there was like, in full honesty, do you think he was ever like, I shouldn't call it Trump, like privately? Yeah, it's a bit much. It's a little too, you know what his dad called the complex that he owned? Trump Village.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

So he was going, he was running with the ball.

[Valerie Chaney]

Did people call that slump village?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, probably.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm sure they did keep it.

[Pete Holmes]

That would have been great. But a little abrupt.

[Valerie Chaney]

A little.

[Pete Holmes]

I do want to say now not in comedy voice and as someone who is neurospicy, I know the pain and the exhaustion of having to mask.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm joking.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But. But that doesn't cover everything. Maybe that bit isn't. I'm telling you something I haven't even tried yet. I just. With respect to everybody in the community, I know we have a lot of divergence that if you're drawn to the way I work, you're probably like me.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So with respect, I'm just saying, like there is a, you know, where it really comes to life for me is there is a thing where the younger people, which I used to be just like them and I would have been exactly the same. Don't do the thing of like, welcome to Home Depot. Can I help you find something today? Because they're living their truth. Truth.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's something that's just like. That's what the money's for.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that sucks.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So the younger generation. You're correct. That sucks. It's.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's some injustice to that, but absolutely. You know when we go to Three Birds and Cory's there and he's like, hey, guy. And he, like, means it fine. It's like acting.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When you can find the part of you that does feel that way and lean into it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not authentic. It's an exaggeration of a quadrant.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I am happy to have this job. I do want my fellow man people to have a good day.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm also hungover. I'm also grumpy. I'm also not paid enough. Whatever. My back. Whatever. I'm making it old things. My prostate. But, like, you can lean into the part of you that wants to say, welcome to. Welcome to Wendy's.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. It's really.

[Pete Holmes]

I pick that because I watch Wendy's training videos a lot up on YouTube.

[Valerie Chaney]

It is something. It's so tricky because it is something that, like, comes up in parenting constantly. Which we kind of talked about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I think already the blend of your truth and.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah. Which is like. Yeah, you're having big feelings. And also, like, we're not gonna revolve our entire day around it. There are other people here who. All. Who we also need to consider.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, it's. It's such a.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's tricky.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never done it. Brag. But there have been times where you just want to be like that. That's it.

[Valerie Chaney]

You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you just want to, like, call it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is over.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right. We're done. Now this. You've had enough time to feel that you're like, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm actually going to decide that you've had enough time with these feelings. And maybe we've done that passive aggressively. I'm sure. Like when Leela. Leela Fusta. Fib. That's what we call. Had a meltdown last two nights ago. And it was really sweet. This is the problem. So the people that say, I don't want to mask. I'm like, you are right. That's what makes it tricky?

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We should be able to live in our truth.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when Lila was having a really hard time and I was really. It was one of those heartbreakers where she had a meltdown while I was doing something for her that I didn't want to do. And. And it sucks. As we always say, when you make someone a cake and they get mad at you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, I didn't even want to make this cake. Like, it's so unfair. But she was crying really loud and it was outside, so I kind of had a extra incentive for the neighbors, I guess.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, baby, it's okay. Mama's coming. Because you were gonna, like, swim with her. Swim with her because she was not having me because I blew it. And I was like, it's okay, baby, Mama's coming. I said it twice. And she went, doesn't mean I can't cry. And I was like, you're right, you're right, you're right.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, what do you do when both sides. It's like, I'm actually trying to help, but, like, I do default to, like, these things will work themselves out.

[Valerie Chaney]

What's so interesting is so we. This really highlighted it for me. We were doing would you rather at the dinner table with. It's my mom, my brother, my sister in law, the kids. And you said, would you rather be able to speak every language in the world or have complete control over your emotions?

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And you and I were such a good one. Good one.

[Valerie Chaney]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone was like, speak every language.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, what?

[Valerie Chaney]

I was shocked.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I sweetened it. I went. I mean, like, if you want to feel happy, you can just feel happy. And Beth was like, I can. I was like, I know.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I believe.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what's happening.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I believe them. Like, with respect to Beth, I believe everyone said. And Beth was saying, like, I feel my feelings. I don't care about feeling my feelings.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Derek goes, every time I have a feeling, I go, oh, I get to feel this one more time. I was like, wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Wow. I didn't even hear him say that. I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it too.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a very advanced position.

[Valerie Chaney]

But I also. But Derek also admitted, like, he was like, it seems like we're having all the same feelings. I'm just like, you and me, Pete and Val are just feeling it, like ten times more intensely.

[Pete Holmes]

And let's put them to one side, because I just want to compliment you, but not take something away from them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think having it's. It's like. And your brother isn't. And your. And Beth is. Everyone in this conversation is an artist. I'm just saying we make this overly emotional art that I really like. That's all I'm saying.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I guess that's the one upside, because God damn.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I don't know. I'm in a very good way this morning, and I'm like, oh, I wouldn't change.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I'm actually glad that I'm voicing this perspective because I just. In the last episode was like. And feel all the feelings, the fullness of life, and that's what makes everything beautiful. And I believe that. I really believe that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I have no other choice than to look at it that way, because I'm going to be feeling all the fullness of the feelings or. Or not. Actually, my other option, which I spent my first, you know, 28 years doing, I'll cut it all off and be completely, like, sleepwalking.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, what. What we've been talking about, this episode and last episode, is the danger of turning off emotions. Like, if I could. If I could, like, frustration slash anger that bubbles up in me in certain situations. I do wish I could go in, like, a sound mixing board and just slide that down.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Richard, it's been challenging in just this. He's been talking about, like, we think. Think the things outside of us make us feel certain ways, but it's like, at the end of the day, it's always coming from inside.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, oh, yeah. It's, like, really tricky.

[Valerie Chaney]

That makes. I mean, that does.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, but he thinks happiness, too. He's like, yeah, he makes it. I've made this point, too. We've. I've read this passage on the book. He's like, you see a hot air balloon, and you're like, it makes you feel happy. He's like, you were already leaning that way, and the hot air balloon just occasioned it. In the same way, he's. I've heard him say this before, too. He goes, happy people don't kick their dogs. And it's like, yeah, you think the dog made you mad. And we all know this. You're mad about this, this, this, this, this. This, like, stuff has been building up that you need to, like, move through. I don't have the answer. I don't. That's true. I don't actually know what he's saying.

[Valerie Chaney]

I also don't think that we are meant to be happy all the time. I think that's a real precisely not over over. What's that advertised?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I agree. Idea that leads to the consumerist hedonic treadmill chasing it. Every other feeling is unacceptable. And I'm certainly guilty of that.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what we've been talking about is like everything you want is on the other side of something you don't want, including humiliation, difficult feelings. And that's like the richness this. It's like some people in my family have gone the reclusive way. It's like. And I'm tempted. This whole thing, I was like, my first advisor was like, shut it down.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't.

[Valerie Chaney]

We don't need people.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't go to them.

[Valerie Chaney]

We.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're kind of like, we told. We showed you the. The briefing on what people do and you just want to shut it down. But like that's not the answer. That. That's like, sorry, one Odyssey thing. And that's like saying, I'm not going on the journey. I'm not going.

[Valerie Chaney]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Athena told me to go. God told me to go on this quest.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not going.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like. And even there's the parts where like, because I deal with self righteousness and like his men eat the cows that belong to Zeus and he told them not to. He doesn't. He doesn't gloat. Like, if I was Odysseus, I'd be like, I told them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Told you so.

[Pete Holmes]

As they're dying. I'd be like, you had to have a hamburger. Zeus's hamburger. And that's life too. Is going like, I'm watching people I love make a mistake. But he doesn't use it to define him. There's that wholeness of like, I've done that. Because he does do that. Odysseus, sorry. But he shoots an arrow at the Cyclops who's like the son of Zeus or something. And like that he totally didn't have to. Like, he makes mistakes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And he doesn't embitter himself and he doesn't shame his men for like making like. This is what we're talking about the mystic saying. Okay. And as Rupert has said, the whole thing. Meaning you don't need any non. Dual theory. You don't need any spiritual theory if you can say thank you you for everything. That's. That's what we're aiming for.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what the Odyssey, I think in large part is about. That's what every myth that resonates is about. It's like, what do we do with all of these stumbling stones, all of this falling, all of this wounding, all of the shame, all of this embarrassment, all of this wanting to give up, you know? And, like, it's not just. And Michael Jordan keeps going. That's not it. That's not it. Like, in fact, I'd love an update on how MJ is doing, like, because that's the Odyssey.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like being the greatest athlete of all time and now being in a weird mansion.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right. The Odyssey starts, like, now.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's right. Because the first. This is all falling upward, but the first half of life is those trophies.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that Adelaide. And associating yourself with meaningful things, that's all fine. But as we talked about last week, nobody's talking about, like, this further journey.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I remembered the quote because I. I'm such a dork. I read it and I listened to it. So I listened to it and I heard it again. People don't their survival dance. Everybody's obsessed with their survival dance. And nobody move. Very few move forward to their sacred dance. I couldn't remember the word.

[Valerie Chaney]

I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's. That, like, that's true. I'm in this soup, and it's filled with mistakes. It's not perfection.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even what I would have designed necessarily. You know what I mean? It's. There's a lot of pain. There's a lot of blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, the. We. We're in our survival dance until we can learn to regulate. And we can't really learn to regulate. This is actually, like, true in. Well, let me finish that thought. We can't learn to regulate without practice. So that's. The whole thing is, like, things need to fall apart again and again and again. And the. The thing that we feared most needs to happen over and over for us to, like, live through it, to then believe that we have the resources and can make it through.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie Chaney]

So that we can be regulated enough to do the sacred dance.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie Chaney]

And that is like a. In vagal. And what is it called? Vagal theory. Polyvagal theory. That is even like, our biology shows that. That when you're in your sympathetic nervous system, you cannot see possibility. You're very rigid. You are just trying to survive. And then when you're in your parasympathetic, you see endless possibility and you see the beauty and you see the whole Picture. You're not like tunnel visioned. So it's like, it's in our. It's in our neurology, it's in our biology oleology,

[Pete Holmes]

by the way, that I'm compelled to share that if you lay on the ground and put your feet up on a chair for I think it's three minutes. Yeah, I think puts you in the parasympathetic, which I was just what I do before shows.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, really? I used to do that when I would buy a new cd. I would go to Sam Goody, I'd get the new goodies, got it Benfolds5 probably or something like that. And then I would. I only ever did this when I would listen to a new cd. I would put the CD in the CD player in my room and there was a spot in my room that I would lay on the floor with my feet up and listen to the entire CD from beginning to end, looking at the notes, reading along with the lyrics. And it is like a place that I go to if I'm trying to fall asleep or something because I was so relaxed and safe. So your body into. It's that position. I think. Yeah, people, people know that. I think people know that. That you want to raise your feet. Feet over your heart.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. Anyway, the doctor who told me that he was like, it was a medical doctor. It wasn't like a pet, A pet

[Valerie Chaney]

psychic, a pet detective.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, I always think about this because he goes, I'm going to tell you this, you're not going to do it. And he showed me how to do

[Valerie Chaney]

it and I was like, that's exactly the way to get you to do something. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And not every time I do it, but I often think of him like, who's. Who's not relaxed now bit.

[Valerie Chaney]

What was the Slice thing? What was the voiceover? Do you remember?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it was at the beginning and I was gonna say as a voiceover artist for the comeback of the soda Slice. Say it was like, make it wonderful or something.

[Valerie Chaney]

Say make it wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but it was what we were saying at the beginning.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I can't remember.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, but it doesn't matter. The new line is catch your thirst.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, Should I say like slay?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Give me slice colon. Catch your thirst.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, Slice. Catch your thirst.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Was it good?

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it. But that.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's what voiceover is.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a never ending, so embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I give you a read?

[Valerie Chaney]

Give me a read.

[Pete Holmes]

Slice. Catch your thirst.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, okay. So not so cheerleading.

[Pete Holmes]

It was very cheerleading.

[Valerie Chaney]

I liked it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we have that one. Yeah, we got that one language that we all use.

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice, catch your thirst. No, no, no. Let me take it again.

[Pete Holmes]

I really liked it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

What's wrong?

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, got it. What?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what's wrong?

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice, catch your thirst.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you throw away? Slice a little bit.

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice.

[Pete Holmes]

Slice.

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Slice, catch your thirst.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. What it is, is we slept on the beach last night.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We woke up, our surfboards are propped in the sand, the sun's coming up, I'm gently sleeping. You got up early, you put your feet in the water, it's warm. And you're coming to tell me that it's time to catch the first wave of the day.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And we love surfing more than anything. But instead of saying, hey, it's time to get up and surf, you're saying, slice, catch your thirst.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's that gentle. Like you're kind of waking me up with it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard.

[Valerie Chaney]

Got it. Slice, catch your thirst.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolute perfection.

[Valerie Chaney]

Keep it crispy.