We Made It Weird #262

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #262

Date: August 7, 2026

Hosts: Pete Holmes and Valerie

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Episode Overview

In this candid, playful, and often moving episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie riff on everything from childhood rhymes and impressions, to hotel rituals, pop culture, and formative religious experiences. Packed with sharp, silly banter, deep reflection, and nostalgia, the episode revolves around the theme of “secret weirdness” and the ways childhood beliefs, odd habits, and earnest moments shape adult life. Valerie’s reading from her 13-year-old journal opens a heartfelt discussion about growing up in Christian culture, validation, humility, and creativity. Pete’s signature humor and off-the-cuff impressions (especially of Trump) are on full display, making the episode both hilarious and surprisingly touching.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Frito Bandito and Cultural References

• The episode opens with Valerie pretending to be the "Frito Bandito" (02:12), launching a riff on old commercials and accents.
• Pete and Valerie grapple (self-consciously) with the cultural appropriateness of childhood rhymes and commercials.
• "Those who live in racist houses shouldn’t throw stones" — Pete (02:51), poking fun at judging others’ insensitivities.
• The pair navigate nostalgia about pop jingles (e.g., Taco Bell dog, Frito Bandito) while trying to stay mindful about respect for all cultures.

Internet Misinformation and Boomer Emails

• Pete jokes about a trusted meditation expert sending a fake viral story about remote Ethiopian villages, highlighting generational divides in media literacy (04:04–04:33).
• They poke fun at how everyone, regardless of age, is susceptible to falling for something:

  “Whatever they're falling for, there’s something we'll fall for.” — Pete (04:59)

Hotel Room Rituals and 'Hearing the Savings'

• Pete describes traveling for shows and staying in budget hotels, turning annoyances into jokes to justify the savings:

  "I can see the savings... I can hear the savings... I can feel the savings." — Pete (06:10–06:29)

Reconstructing the “30 Days Hath September” Rhyme

• An extended bit (07:00–12:22) where Pete and Valerie try to rewrite the “30 Days Hath September” rhyme to better fit February, with escalating absurdity and playful improvisation:

  “If there’s one month for which ye be wary, it’s the 28 days in February. But come sit closer, my crispy dear — this doesn’t apply when it’s a leap year.” — Valerie & Pete, riffing (11:00–11:16)

Childhood and Schoolyard Nostalgia

• Valerie theorizes that the abrupt end of the rhyme mirrors playground shorthand (09:21).
• The hosts draw connections between silly childhood rhymes and the way we remember and interact with the world as adults.

Impressions & Political Comedy

• Pete morphs into a Trump impression frequently throughout the episode (esp. 13:00–13:55, 22:20–24:07, 28:08–29:22), blending Trump with Lorne Michaels, Dr. Evil, and others.
• Fantasizes a dinner between Bill Maher and Trump (13:22), riffing on their speech patterns and imagined banter:

  “Did we just become best friends?” — Valerie as Trump to Maher (13:38)
  “I want to see if she can float. If she floats, she’s a witch. If she sinks, she dies. Either way, I get her house.” — Pete as Trump/Drumpf on time-traveling witch trials (24:07)

Name Origins, Covfefe, & Surreal Realities

• Spirited discussion about the etymology of "Trump" and the infamous “covfefe” tweet (16:02–18:02).
• They joke about the simulation-like nature of reality, how the name "Trump" feels like perfect casting for the role he’s come to play.

Game Gear vs. Game Boy and More Trump Riffs

• Pete-as-Trump opines on Sega Game Gear vs. Nintendo Mario, continuing the thread of playful, surrealist riffing (31:15).
• Valerie encourages the bit, laughing alongside and fueling Pete’s improvisations.

Language, Forbidden Statements, and Creative Daring

• Pete ponders the power of language—how certain words or threats are considered crimes, and the idea of a Houdini-like feat of getting “canceled” as modern risk-taking (36:34–41:28).
• They compare comedy to “adult children’s television," a way of recapturing play and silliness while trying to make sense of the world.

Vulnerability, Validation & Relationship Honesty

• Pete and Valerie muse on the vulnerability in being open about what you “get out of a relationship.”
• Playfully attribute their couple dynamic to Pete craving validation, and Valerie (jokingly) craving validation for her humor and, as Pete says, “tits”—though both express distaste for the word itself (44:00).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On rewriting childhood rhymes:
  “Why did you start so strong? ... Here's a poem to help remember all the rest. 31. Number no. 31.”
  — Pete (07:55)

• On validation and relationships:
  “The vulnerability when you see what somebody is getting out of a relationship.”
  — Pete (43:57)

• On creativity and play:
  “Comedy is just children’s TV for grown-ups. Sometimes it’s dark, sometimes it’s wicked, but for the most part it’s like, ‘let’s take all the horrors and just put it to one side and just be like, I’m not in trouble at all.’”
  — Pete (41:02)

• Valerie’s childhood journal:
  “Today, a very special thing happened. I went to a ladies’ retreat in search of some answers or at least peace about not having any right now. You see…”
  — Valerie (reading from her journal, 53:48)

• On being anointed with leadership:
  “She hugged me and told me I was going to lead the nations.”
  — Valerie (63:39)

• On spiritual upbringing:
  “The people who told us how to be safe in our bodies... and they're like, you'll go to hell.”
  — Pete (74:11–74:16)

• On finding safe spaces to fail:
  “So much of everything is just getting it wrong and having safe places to get it wrong. Like when they're doing coding, they make, I believe, it’s called a sandbox..."
  — Pete (71:59–72:26)

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• Cultural riffing and Frito Bandito – 02:12–03:31
• Generational tech mistrust & fake headlines – 04:04–04:54
• Hotel rituals: “Hearing the Savings” – 06:10–06:29
• “30 Days Hath...” rhyme deconstruction – 07:00–12:22
• Trump, Maher, and Bill dinner riff – 13:22–14:08
• Trump name etymology & Covfefe – 16:02–18:02
• Game Boy vs. Game Gear / Trump pop culture riff – 31:15–32:09
• The power and danger of language; cancel culture as risk – 36:34–41:28
• Relationship vulnerabilities & validation – 43:57–45:00
• Valerie’s 13-year-old journal reading and reflection – 52:21–66:54
• Spiritual upbringing, humility, and leading the nations – 62:13–64:46
• Childhood faith, culture, and creative risk – 66:54–75:30

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Tone & Style

• The episode is equal parts goofball, philosophical, and vulnerable. Pete and Valerie’s chemistry, fast banter, and deep trust allow for rapid shifts between silly voices, meta-jokes, and real talk about childhood, faith, creativity, and relationship dynamics.
• Commentary comes with both affection and self-awareness, openly poking fun at themselves and their former beliefs.
• The tone stays warm, playful, and inclusive even while tackling topics like religion, self-doubt, and the power of words.

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Takeaways

• “Weirdness” is a unifying human trait; sharing childhood weirdnesses and vulnerabilities brings people closer.
• Childhood influences — whether church culture, silly rhymes, or pop culture obsessions — often shape adult creativity and relationships.
• Safe spaces for getting things wrong (the “sandbox”) are crucial to both creative growth and personal development.
• The ability to openly reflect (and laugh) at one’s own earnestness, mistakes, and formative experiences is key to Pete and Valerie’s ongoing connection — and to the heart of this podcast.

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Final Quote:
“We were always made for each other.” — Valerie (64:46)
A fitting end to an episode celebrating the weird, earnest, and threadbare truths we share with those who truly “get” us.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening?

[Valerie]

What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

I say it every time, but this time it really, really true.

[Valerie]

Really true.

[Pete Holmes]

Out of the water. So good. This episode is so good. You've. You've made a powerful friend today. We're so glad you're here. I don't even want to. I want you to get to this episode.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So this intro is going to be the shortest ever. Petehomes.com for tour dates. August 11th is my next largo. Ray Romano will be there. It's going to be awesome. And some other secret guests I can't announce, but I'm also going to. I believe Portland, Maine is almost sold out, but we could use a little bump. My maniacs. And Verona, New York. Those are the new ones. Okay, go to PeteHomes.com spells to cast on your parents, especially on YouTube.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

When you join Sam's Club, you get way more than you'd expect. You don't just get value. You get insider tips from fellow members. You don't just pick up a pizza. You actually vote on its toppings.

[Trump Impressionist]

Mmm.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Bacon crumbles. You don't just visit the club, because with the Sam's Club app, everywhere can be the club. You don't just shop the latest finds. You find your people. And at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about? Come join us. Sam's Club.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required. $15 per month. Equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

Hi.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi, yai.

[Valerie]

I am the Frito Bandito.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the Frito Bandito?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Why is Frito such a good word? It's delicious.

[Valerie]

Porque pork. That's all I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Estamos deliciosos. That just means we are delicious. I wanted to pay out payout on this podcast in the first started 30 seconds. Yep.

[Valerie]

So you got the. You. Oh, so you did get the Frito Bandino and Is. And. And is. And is it okay? I didn't sing it in the accent.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you thought it was racist?

[Valerie]

I don't know. I mean, I don't think it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I'm the Frito Bandito. There's a way. There's a way that if you closed your nasal passage, the same thing would be not okay. I'm not here to. To cast stones. Those who live in racist houses shouldn't throw stones.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Stones.

[Valerie]

I just think it also was. It did. It was the thing that existed. Was it their commercial?

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie Yokiero, Taco Bell? I mean, yeah, that. That was. That was. There's a pinched. Yeah, full respect, I know, but full respect to every culture. Every culture.

[Valerie]

And I mean every culture.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody sent me an AI. The boomers, man. They're out there sending the fake headlines. They don't know.

[Valerie]

They don't know. Help them. We have to help them.

[Pete Holmes]

We have to help them. I won't say who it was, but let's just say it was a trusted meditation person. We know.

[Valerie]

Oh, no, I know who it was.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, let's go for an update, because I was hoping.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Because I wrote, that looks fake.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was hoping, no, he just saw it, but he didn't write back, which means. I think I'm right. He thought it was real. Yeah, it was like, there's a village in Ethiopia, a remote village where men gain as much weight as possible, lounge around, and the women vie for a mate. And I'm like, this is fake.

[Valerie]

He must. But he was just sending it to you because it was funny.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I.

[Valerie]

You think, yes, he. So it doesn't really matter if it's fake in that situation.

[Pete Holmes]

So in this case, I'm the maroon.

[Valerie]

You're. You maybe are the maroon.

[Pete Holmes]

We can't know if I'm the maroon. I. I wrote. But also, this looks fake.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Me.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks. And then I. If he writes. Yeah, I know, but it's funny. Yeah, but if you're over 50, you can't send links to anything to anybody. I'm 47. I love that. Like, look, if you're old, 47, if

[Valerie]

you're out there, like, in three years, I'm going to quit, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I'm. My whole stances were completely unmatched. Whatever they're falling for, there's something we'll fall for. It's not spam with an ampersand in the subject line.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Although I was in. I was going to do a bit about this guy, but I realized it was just too sad and mean. Maybe mean spirited. But I was in the car.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We.

[Pete Holmes]

Where were we? God, where?

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

It doesn't matter.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll only make it worse if I tell you where we were. But we, I, I had to take Ubers everywhere in some hotel. We just picked a bad hotel. So me and Matt are in the bad hotel. It was one of the tour dates recently. It might have been.

[Valerie]

Where did it go recently? I can't even remember.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm taking, I'm taking Ubers everywhere and I get in the car and

[Valerie]

oh, oh, it was Sacramento.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was, it was, it was

[Valerie]

Sacramento, but it was not Sacramento. It was like Ardent Hill or something.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was Sacramento.

[Valerie]

But it was.

[Pete Holmes]

And the shows were great, btw.

[Valerie]

Yeah, they were fantastic. I went to one and when I'm

[Pete Holmes]

in a hotel, I think I've shared this before. When I'm in the hotel, I go, I like, I saw like dust when you can see like white paint chip fucking dirt on the ground.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I have a real tip. I go, I can see the savings.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I go to the window and you can hear the freeway. It's so loud. And I go, I can hear the savings.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And the hot water in this hotel didn't work the entire time. And I would go, I can feel the savings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a nice little trick. You go like every thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. This is a fair trade.

[Pete Holmes]

Is $30 in my pocket.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I didn't go to a nice hotel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Anyway, that's a, that's neither here nor there.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's here, it's here. It's quite decidedly here.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't there. No, it's not nor there. No, motherfucker, it's here.

[Valerie]

It's not nor.

[Pete Holmes]

Motherfucker, it's here. Which by the way, I tried to do a bit about this, which was 30 days, half September, April, June and November. And you're like, oh, here we go.

[Valerie]

Nice little rhyming for this bit.

[Trump Impressionist]

I liked this.

[Pete Holmes]

You like this bit?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That makes me want to try and do it.

[Valerie]

Just do it right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Try to do it 30 days, half September, April, June and November. And you're like, oh, okay, somebody's made a little rhyme, a little poem for us to remember. And then it completely drops off, it just goes. All the rest have 31, except for February, which has 28. You're like, why did you, why did you started so strong? Why did you even. 30 days, half September. Oh, April, June and November. Oh, My goodness. William Shakespeare is here to help me know. He's here. Mary Oliver is here. All the rest. All the rest.

[Valerie]

All the rest of 31. Here's a February. That is 28.

[Pete Holmes]

So, okay, 30 days, half. Cocky with the half.

[Valerie]

A half. I mean, half is promising something that it does not deliver.

[Pete Holmes]

I wrote this with a quill. 30 days, half September, April, June and November. Here's a poem to help remember all the rest. 31. Number no. 31.

[Valerie]

You should save, remember for the end.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

30 days, half September, April, June and November. The rest.

[Valerie]

No, 38.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Yeah. 30.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah. We keep having.

[Pete Holmes]

We keep thinking if we run into it.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

30 days.

[Valerie]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. 30 days past.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Okay.

[Trump Impressionist]

April, June and November.

[Pete Holmes]

All the rest have 31.

[Valerie]

There's a way to help you remember.

[Pete Holmes]

All the rest have 31. And now you can remember.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Parentheses, February. The guy writing this poem. The guy writing this poem walked into his living room. It's a log cabin. It's a long time ago. It's candlelight. He goes, 30 days, half September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31.

[Trump Impressionist]

And now you can remember. Then his.

[Pete Holmes]

His wife goes, what about February, dipshit? Dill weed, dill weed. What about February? Dill weed? And somebody ruined it all.

[Trump Impressionist]

Ruined it all. Well, used to be a poem.

[Valerie]

Here's the thing. I actually have a theory. I have a theory. Where did you learn that rhyme?

[Pete Holmes]

On the schoolyard.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

With knives and dice, cigarettes and kids saying, half, 30 days, half September.

[Valerie]

So? So I think it's a bet.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a bet.

[Valerie]

The rhyme is 30 days, half September, April, June. Number. Or whatever it is. I can't even remember it. So it doesn't work.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that's it. And then either teacher. Because that's really all you need to know.

[Pete Holmes]

30 days, half September, April, June and November.

[Valerie]

So then you can be like, okay, so the rest have 31. And when we all know about February, it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I think. And all the rest have 31. And now you can remember.

[Valerie]

Yes. And then

[Pete Holmes]

we're gonna be confused a little Private parts. Every once in a while, you see one that's like, wow.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying most wieners are a certain way. Most vags are certain. Look, I don't mean to be.

[Valerie]

Look, we were just naked in Esselin, and I'm saying this is top of mind.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw. We're being dealt from the same deck.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The dick dick.

[Valerie]

The dick dick.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like this comparison, Rig.

[Valerie]

Dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Dick. I'm just saying one month out of the year to have a good poem, that it doesn't work, and you just don't. There's a way to do it. Remember. And February we shall sever. I don't know, 30 days, half of September, April, June, and November. All the rest have 31. And now you can remember. And not to put a nickel in your pickle, my dear, it's got to be like. Then it, like, goes into a minor key.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you know what I mean.

[Valerie]

Okay. But if there's one month you forgot, be Wary, it's the 28 days of February.

[Pete Holmes]

You know you've done it.

[Valerie]

No, I have not.

[Pete Holmes]

But if there's one month for thee be Wary, it's the 28 days in February.

[Trump Impressionist]

And sit closer, my crispy dear.

[Pete Holmes]

This doesn't apply when it's a leap year.

[Trump Impressionist]

Wow. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do the months.

[Trump Impressionist]

Cause they're 31 days.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in P town hanging with the gays.

[Trump Impressionist]

The gays.

[Valerie]

The gays. They're there.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is. That's an intent one. That's like your Mexican voice.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

Sure.

[Valerie]

I didn't do a Mexican voice, though. And let the record.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually, you did say sure, which. That's one of my favorite things to do. It's. I go, I'm sorry, I was being a bit of a turd. And you go, it's okay.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

And I go, so you agree I

[Pete Holmes]

was being a turd.

[Valerie]

It's entrapment.

[Pete Holmes]

I only entrap. I never converse.

[Trump Impressionist]

I only contract.

[Valerie]

But see, now we couldn't. That was like a lightning bolt moment, and we would not be able to Repeat that poem.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

30 days.

[Pete Holmes]

Half September, April, June, and November. All the rest have 31. And now you can remember. But if there's one month for which ye be Wary, it's the 28 days in February. But come sit closer, my crispy dear. This doesn't apply when it's a leap year.

[Valerie]

Wow, we really solved something today.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like fixing Happy Birthday something today when people go, like, happy. Happy birthday is like happy birthday because you can't. It's like.

[Valerie]

Because nobody can admit that they're. They're thrilled. They get to sing. People don't get to sing. People don't get to sing.

[Pete Holmes]

So we went. We went. We were remembering an old vine of mine. That's what we do.

[Valerie]

We just.

[Trump Impressionist]

What Weird memory.

[Pete Holmes]

My vines.

[Trump Impressionist]

My vines.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

My vines.

[Trump Impressionist]

My vine. My vine. My vine. My wife, Borat. My wife, Melania. Get over here. You're so Embarrassed. Always so embarrassed to be with me.

[Pete Holmes]

He says it.

[Trump Impressionist]

Look at her. Shame. She doesn't want to hold my hand. Look at my. Look at my hand. I reach for it like a claw. She whips it away. Beautiful. Good boundaries. I haven't been faithful.

[Pete Holmes]

He says it.

[Valerie]

He knows I haven't been faithful. I know I don't deserve it.

[Trump Impressionist]

She knows that I am in the doghouse. The White House and the doghouse. The white doghouse. Okay? I'm out there.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why Bill Maher and Trump had that dinner.

[Trump Impressionist]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so similar.

[Ryan Reynolds]

New room.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Same fucking new room.

[Valerie]

They're like, hey, we talk the same. Should we have dinner?

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

Did we just become best friends?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

Okay, new rule.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, they're at the meal. Bill Ma's eating, like, they eat ostrich steak or whatever. It's got to be American, usda. But they're eating something. And then Trump, who doesn't know Bill's work, of course, they're just eating. And he goes, noodle.

[Trump Impressionist]

We need all knives to be steak knives. I always want to feel like I have the ability to cut anything. New rule.

[Pete Holmes]

And then Bill Maher's, like, neural. Oh.

[Trump Impressionist]

And they.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they're kissing. Then it's heated rivalry.

[Trump Impressionist]

Oh, Bill.

[Valerie]

That's really something I want to see. I want to see, like, the most, like, toxic, masculine leaders of this world, but, like, from opposite sides, come together, like in an. In erotica.

[Pete Holmes]

There's gotta be fan fiction. Putin.

[Trump Impressionist]

Putin.

[Pete Holmes]

Putin. Come on.

[Valerie]

You know, I'm a simple gal. I just laugh at the word Putin.

[Trump Impressionist]

Putin.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder how many meetings before Trump stopped laughing at Putin.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

Good to see you, Putin.

[Valerie]

I'm sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Although I don't think that's his sense of humor.

[Valerie]

No, I think that's more of a George W. Bush.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Hello, Putin.

[Valerie]

He's like. Now that I have much room to talk, because my last name is Bush, and my daddy boss. My daddy boss's name is Dick.

[Trump Impressionist]

Oh, my God, we got a Dick. We got a Bush. We got a Putin. Okay, now I have the trump card. I don't have a silly name.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't.

[Valerie]

He has the trump card.

[Trump Impressionist]

I have the trump card. I will put it down.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Trump is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great name.

[Valerie]

It actually just like.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Is that what we're saying?

[Valerie]

I glitched out for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you didn't want to.

[Valerie]

Because I was thinking. No, because I was like. It was. It's such a perfect name for this character that I'm like, oh, no, it's a simulation.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It was so clear. His name is Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

That's fucking yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

That's Krypton Kryptonite.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's on Unobtainium. It's fucking bad.

[Valerie]

It's bad. It's writing.

[Pete Holmes]

With respect to the writers of the simulation overlord to our overlords who wrote this very monologue, this very one.

[Trump Impressionist]

They had me go back into Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

I was losing viewers.

[Trump Impressionist]

They went back. It said in parentheses as Trump once more, he did it.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, how. That is too obvious.

[Valerie]

That's too obvious.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a guy.

[Valerie]

Unless that word came from him. No, I didn't.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

I love you.

[Valerie]

No, I love it during his presidency, like during the 80s, you know, when he was jumping.

[Pete Holmes]

I need to. I need to start, as I say every episode, checking myself before I've wrecked myself, because I'm out here and I'm realizing I'm wrong. Muchos, muchos. But we are gonna Google it. This is a website.

[Trump Impressionist]

You're driving. You're going to the Jersey shore right now to go to a beautiful Taj Mahal. Okay. Okay. I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

Where did the phrase trump something come from?

[Trump Impressionist]

I know you're on your way. Okay. The phrase trump to Trump, meaning to outperform, override, or bait, comes from the card game concept of a trump card, which is derived from an older English and French word. Triumph. Triumph. So really, my name is Donald Triumph.

[Valerie]

So now we ask, is Donald Trump's last name? Like, was it originally Trump? I mean, his dad really would be his dad.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, look, it's Drumpfish.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Yes. The Trump family was historically drunk.

[Valerie]

That's right. They chose it before it shift.

[Pete Holmes]

Shifted.

[Trump Impressionist]

Who wrote this hymn before it shifted quite naturally. It moved like a glacier. It was melting it organically and naturally. Some say orgasmically and fittingly. Slid words slide. Words can slide. Covifi phi. That's a word. It slid. It was coffee. Now I have Covifi and my Diet Coke. I love a diet. Diet Coke.

[Valerie]

I forget what co fife is.

[Pete Holmes]

He just tweeted covfefe cove. Fifi C O, V, E, F, F E. I believe.

[Valerie]

And we don't know what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

He just tweeted it.

[Valerie]

We don't know what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I'm all, remember this now.

[Valerie]

I remember this now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. I. I can't imagine the rush of being the president and just tweeting Kofi Fee. But people think it was a senior moment.

[Valerie]

I'm sure it was I slipped.

[Trump Impressionist]

Mike.

[Valerie]

I slipped.

[Trump Impressionist]

Mike. I tweeted covfefe.

[Pete Holmes]

What does that mean, sir? He's like, beaker. What does that mean?

[Trump Impressionist]

I don't know. But one thing's for sure. If the election doesn't go my way, I'm not gonna sic them on you. Why am I saying this?

[Valerie]

You do remember a lot more about, like, all of the things that have happened January 6th. Well, I mean, I know, but I just feel like.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. You just gave me a. I didn't mean to shame you. You gave me a gift, and I opened it. No, it was like, please don't eat my Faberge egg.

[Trump Impressionist]

And I did.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't look down on you at, you know, this. No, I know, but I finally and only. Finally and only got to say, like, do you remember.

[Valerie]

Like, do you remember a little date about January?

[Trump Impressionist]

Do it again.

[Pete Holmes]

Say, like, wow, You. You know a lot about stuff.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You remember a lot about stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

The Bay of Pigs.

[Valerie]

I know. I just.

[Trump Impressionist]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

The Bay of Pig. You don't know the Bay of Pigs, Val? I don't know the Bay of Pigs? I picture a lot of pigs taking a bath in a bay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you pick one, like, a live lobster.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah, I'll have that one.

[Valerie]

I don't know Bay of Pigs either.

[Trump Impressionist]

I want it. It's clean.

[Valerie]

Cuba.

[Trump Impressionist]

The more it frolics, the more it sizzles.

[Valerie]

Oh, God. Lobster.

[Pete Holmes]

Lobsters are the only animals we have the balls to be, like, meet at first.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God, Totally. Like, display it. Let the kids play with it.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then let them tap on the Gl. They're in their filth. Yeah, it's rough.

[Valerie]

No, I mostly was referencing Kofi Phi. I was like, I can't believe you pulled that out.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

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[Pete Holmes]

Get thorough with it.

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[Pete Holmes]

well, I. You know, I have bursts.

[Valerie]

When did it change?

[Trump Impressionist]

Drum drifted like dandelion seeds. Drum Trump.

[Valerie]

Centuries prior to their immigration. Oh, it shifted before. So they didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

During the 1600s.

[Valerie]

Oh, well, that doesn't help us. Nothing. Not before 1980.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't get this guy.

[Trump Impressionist]

You can't get this guy. You can't get this guy.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Trump Impressionist]

Nice try.

[Valerie]

He will trump you.

[Trump Impressionist]

I win. I'm sorry. I never met one. I never met a Drum.

[Pete Holmes]

The people named Drum believed in witches,

[Trump Impressionist]

and so do I. Stay away from me with Gypsy. Stay away.

[Valerie]

He is like, that really is a thing. That's like a. That's a movie. You go back in time to the witch trials, and there is a character named Drumpf. That is Trump that's leading it. It's his ancestor.

[Trump Impressionist]

I want to see if she can float. If she floats, she's a witch. If she sinks, she dies. Either way, I get her house. I get her house.

[Valerie]

If she wants to fuck me, she's my wife. If she doesn't, she's a witch.

[Trump Impressionist]

You don't want to see it. You're a witch. You're a witch.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like instead of, you're fired.

[Valerie]

You're witch. You're a witch, you're witch, or you're fired. But it's burning.

[Pete Holmes]

Only in England. Only in England.

[Valerie]

You're fired.

[Trump Impressionist]

Here we hung our witches. Beautiful, Beautiful Awful. Welcome to Beautiful Awful.

[Valerie]

They were only burned at the stake in England.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You've also given me another great gift today.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know. I really am just setting you up.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, everyone, here's. Here's my birthday present idea.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

For anyone. It's going to be very hard to do, but you get a person in your life that you love, and you bring them to the set of Jeopardy. You can't believe it. There's Ken Jennings who hosts it.

[Valerie]

Not Ken Jennings.

[Trump Impressionist]

Trump.

[Valerie]

Welcome, Seacrest.

[Pete Holmes]

It's usually Seacrest. I feel like Seacrest doesn't know. Do I. Like, he's paranoid on weed. He's like, baby, he's crying. I can't remember if I host Jeopardy. Ryan Seacrest hosts Wheel of Fortune.

[Valerie]

So you're not. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not far off but it's still Vanna.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know. And she still looks exactly the same.

[Trump Impressionist]

Not that that is her value. No, it's not her value.

[Pete Holmes]

I did wheel. She was so nice.

[Valerie]

I believe.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I love.

[Pete Holmes]

And so was Pat Sajak.

[Trump Impressionist]

I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was pre. Pre crest.

[Valerie]

That's right. And it was like the last days of.

[Trump Impressionist]

So

[Pete Holmes]

exactly what you wanted, Vanna. Little Southern.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So polite. It was like, look, I don't know you. You know when you see those horses in parades and they do the high clip, clop, and you go like, wow. But then when you get older, you're like, how did you teach it to do that? So when I say etiquette school, I don't mean it in a mean way. It was just like, oh, this is like somebody that's been, like, finishing school.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She was just elegant. So I don't know if people are, like, rolling their eyes and it's like, do you know what they do to those horses at those. Etiquette. Right, right, right.

[Valerie]

It's like, do you know the cost of dressage?

[Pete Holmes]

So what's dressage?

[Valerie]

That's the, like, fancy dancing.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, there's nothing I hate more than dressage. Yeah. The way they, like. There's like a movement, and I. You just can hear the horse.

[Valerie]

It feels like degrading.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And you're listening to Giant. I don't want to gross people out, but toenails. It's, like, so close to nail on chalkboard for me.

[Valerie]

Oh, interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I got these pucks of toenail.

[Valerie]

I would never. I find.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're always frothing. They're so hot.

[Valerie]

Well, we. You only ever see dressage at our Fourth of July parade.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's in. Yeah, the Fourth of July. It's right in the heat of.

[Valerie]

Yeah, But I do.

[Trump Impressionist]

I can see you. I always think it's rain shining in the sun. You got your hair pulled back and your sunglasses on, baby yeah. I can tell you okay. My love for you will still be strong yes, it will after the boys. Get these fucking boys of summer out of here. They're the tourists. They come. They're filthy.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. I can tell you doing karaoke.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm a creep. Yes, I'm a weirdo But Boys of

[Valerie]

Summer is still playing. The track is still playing. And he goes into I'm a creep. Yes, I'm a weirdo.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm doing two songs. One track, two songs. Nobody's done it. Nobody since Lincoln.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Trump Impressionist]

Lincoln did it. I can. I'm A weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here? Is that what the Dems want me to say? I don't belong in the White House?

[Pete Holmes]

It's turning into.

[Trump Impressionist]

Who is it turning into? It's turning into Lorne Michaels. Ooh.

[Valerie]

Oh, really similar.

[Trump Impressionist]

You have a lot of power. You're sort of go list.

[Valerie]

And also Dr. Evil.

[Trump Impressionist]

Take Trump to Canada and give him a show. Same guy. We're gonna have him on. He's gonna do the show. We're gonna get. Michael Shea will write a beautiful monologue for him. He's gonna come out. He's gonna kill it. The ratings. The ratings.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm thrilled with how this is coming out. I want you to know that for me, my impressions are like ticker tape. I'm just reading it, going, like, it's working.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

It's working.

[Pete Holmes]

And then tomorrow, I'll be like, remember, trump Lorne Michaels? And it'll be like, hello.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's wrong.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

But today I can't miss.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't miss today.

[Valerie]

You're doing great. And usually I'm like, you know, not a huge fan. Well, you just have. I hear you do Trump a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't do it that much in life.

[Trump Impressionist]

I do.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

British guy a lot.

[Valerie]

You don't do it that much in life anymore. And so. And I'm realizing that by how much I'm enjoying this one, because I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, I'm back now. I needed a little break, and now we're back on.

[Trump Impressionist]

We could all use a break. Am I right? I'm a bit much.

[Pete Holmes]

He says it.

[Trump Impressionist]

I know.

[Valerie]

I do really love. Like, not enlightened, but, like.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, very skilled.

[Trump Impressionist]

Trump internal family systems. It turns out I learned from my father that success was the only way to be safe and loved. I watched him discard my brother. My poor brother. He discarded him. And I thought, no way is that gonna happen to me. And the only way I could build the wall was with cash. And then I became obsessed with other kinds of walls. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. America became my body, and I want to build a wall to keep daddy out. And by daddy, I mean Padres mexicanos. I love you. I'm sorry. He's like, I'm ashamed.

[Valerie]

I'm gonna say the two words that are the hardest. I can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought it was good anyway.

[Valerie]

It's. I'm sorry.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm sorry. I did ayahuasca.

[Valerie]

I'm going to say, I just do this.

[Trump Impressionist]

I, I, I, I.

[Pete Holmes]

You're closing your throat.

[Trump Impressionist]

The throat's actually quite open. Ready? Holland Tunnel?

[Valerie]

Ready for a dick?

[Trump Impressionist]

Ready for a dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Gay Heeled Trump.

[Trump Impressionist]

Let me tell you, I've had a discovery.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful, but it's not beautiful.

[Valerie]

Dicks.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

The riff.

[Trump Impressionist]

The riff isn't even the hugest.

[Valerie]

Dicks.

[Trump Impressionist]

The most beautiful.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Right down.

[Valerie]

I just want to make them feel good. They deserve to feel good for all

[Trump Impressionist]

the oppression that I instigated.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he anti. He must be. I don't know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he pro gay?

[Valerie]

Is he pro literally anything?

[Trump Impressionist]

What am I pro? Game Boy color. I love it. I sit in the Oval Office, people ask me, what am I doing? I'm playing game gear. Sega's underrated handheld.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

Sega.

[Trump Impressionist]

Remember that? Sega. Oh, I love it. I think Sonic is a more dynamic character than Mario. Mario? What is he, a plumber? Why is he in the Upside down and his brother's there? You can tell he doesn't respect Luigi. Oh, you can be player two. How's that? Player two? Meanwhile, Tails. Now that's a sidekick. Two tails. Sonic. No tails. Two animals.

[Pete Holmes]

Two tails.

[Trump Impressionist]

Done. But they're on One. They're on the fox. He can fly. Flip, flip, flip. He's up there. So is Dr. Robotnik. That'll be handy.

[Valerie]

This riff, I'm done now, but I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I loved it because I need you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you were laughing, I know that would go. I know it would be like the stuff philosophers told me.

[Valerie]

It went as far as it went because I laughed.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you're the.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's your fault.

[Valerie]

It's my fault.

[Trump Impressionist]

Game gear, two buttons. That's all it needed. You could play Sonic and Tails. Get the rings. Oh, my God. If you like it, put a ring on it. Sonic T shirt idea.

[Valerie]

Okay, now I'm kind of back in

[Trump Impressionist]

because Beyonce, if you like it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I woke up like this I woke up like this. Post op Flawless run around the Flawless run around the White House in that Flawless

[Valerie]

run around Laugh lollies.

[Pete Holmes]

He does the.

[Trump Impressionist]

Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up and now we're near my Warhol. I it up I did it.

[Valerie]

Ain't got the time to take drawers off.

[Trump Impressionist]

I don't know. I put the panties to the side. You couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not gonna riff on that.

[Valerie]

That's my favorite line. Obviously.

[Pete Holmes]

No time to take drawers off.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Slip the panties right to the side. It ain't got the time to take drawers off.

[Pete Holmes]

Hard to work panties into A cool wrap. Yeah, but the panties to the side. Slip. Slip that shit to the side. He was like, I have to say panties.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

There's.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no slip.

[Trump Impressionist]

The Chones.

[Valerie]

We've all been in a position where we're like, I guess I have to say panties.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how it is.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Every time you say that word when

[Pete Holmes]

you order a chicken Caesar salad at the airport.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, I guess I have to

[Valerie]

say panties because you're not gonna say slip your underwear to the side.

[Pete Holmes]

Slip your drawer. Slip your drawers to the side.

[Valerie]

No. Ain't got the time to take drawers off. So he does use drawers. He's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very funny to think of. He's rubbing his forehead, going, thesaurus, thesaurus dot com.

[Valerie]

Drawers. What's another word for drawers?

[Trump Impressionist]

Drawers.

[Valerie]

And it's just like, shivs.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, he's the guy that said, we ain't even pro B here, so he could have just been like, slip them yams to the side. Ain't got no time to take drawers off. And she's like, you're saying my labia resembles yams, Jay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, beat, beat, beat.

[Valerie]

She's like, just say panties, Jay.

[Trump Impressionist]

She gently.

[Pete Holmes]

She's in her nightgown. Gently puts her hand on her overworked husband's shoulder.

[Valerie]

Just takes a panty. It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You think he's tearing up. What would I do without you? Well, you almost found out. I woke up like this.

[Trump Impressionist]

She woke up, made lemonade out of an affair. Now, I told Melania, where's your record? I've given you plenty of infidelity. Do you have. No, you don't have one of those boom boom? The squares with that light up that you make the boom, boom boom beat? I can get you one of those. Get Melania. Boom, boom beat. Get her a boom boom. With the light up, it looks like the floor of Area 51. But it goes boom boom. And it loops. Yes, it does. Reggie Watt Watts. Why should Reggie? Why? He knows I love Reggie. I love Reggie. Kid Rock does the Main Stage, but I leave, I'm in the Oval watching Reggie Watts. I love Tig Notaro.

[Valerie]

It is so funny how you just like. Even when it's make them ups, you feel so much more endeared towards somebody who likes the things that you like.

[Pete Holmes]

Bro, that's what I mean.

[Valerie]

It's like, if I found out that Trump was a huge fan of Reggie Watts, I would be. I would be 50 more endeared.

[Pete Holmes]

That is hilarious. If he Was like, my favorite sketch. My favorite sketch is Tim Robinson.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Luck. Lady Luck.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or the. The.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

I should have got that.

[Valerie]

The burger.

[Trump Impressionist]

Give me that.

[Valerie]

Four tables.

[Trump Impressionist]

I don't like when they say a video of saying, you're gonna kill.

[Pete Holmes]

There's actually a reason he wouldn't.

[Trump Impressionist]

Oh, I don't care for that.

[Valerie]

I didn't care for that last part, but I liked the rest of it. Give me that burger.

[Pete Holmes]

I. We've talked about this before, but I do think it's so funny that there is a. It's a federal offense to say a threaten. Right?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I like. This is real stony baloney. There's a law that you can't make a certain sound.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I'm also not an idiot. There's words you're not supposed to say all over the place. But if we were stoned and if everyone was gone and it was just you and me on an island, I'd be like. The first thing I do is yell. I'm just kidding. But it would be very funny to be like there were things you couldn't say.

[Valerie]

I mean, there's. It's like your thing about. It's crazy. Your bit about, like, it's crazy that you're attached to something that could get you arrested.

[Pete Holmes]

It is my wiener.

[Valerie]

Our voices are like. Not to be like a cliche. Like, the most. Like, the most powerful thing. Like, there's no.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so true.

[Valerie]

Much. I could just say, I know.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Not even today.

[Valerie]

That would ruin my life.

[Pete Holmes]

I've thought about this a million times. You could have a sealed envelope, and in the envelope it says, this is my plan. I'm going to say this. I do not mean it. Yeah, it's going to.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a performance art. I'm going to get like, I want to do it like Houdini.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what's the modern Houdini? He'd be like, I'm going to go in this tank of water. And everyone's like, oh, my God.

[Valerie]

How did you even get a tank of water?

[Pete Holmes]

Are authentically the realest deal. I am. It's blown away.

[Trump Impressionist]

And it was so, so fast.

[Valerie]

It's so fast.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so good. You picked up on it. I was going to say. I was going. I was going.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say.

[Trump Impressionist]

I was gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say.

[Valerie]

Don't say.

[Pete Holmes]

That's gonna say.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm gonna say. Y' all don't say that.

[Valerie]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

What did we say? Y' all don't say that.

[Valerie]

Y' all don't say that. I mean, we were. We've been saying it a lot. We were saying it a lot with my brother and.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, a friend of ours was like. And we're gonna do the aesthetic like Wes Anderson. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I don't say that.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know. It's from stepbrothers. Second reference is stepbrothers. That's what we're referencing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was Beth.

[Trump Impressionist]

No, y' all don't say that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I like how she.

[Valerie]

Beth, says it from stepbrothers. Because when he's. I can't remember which one it is. I think it's. It's John C. Reilly. When. When they're laying in the bed and they're just insulting each other.

[Trump Impressionist]

Sound like that? No, No, I don't sound like that.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

It is.

[Valerie]

You're right. It's Will Ferrell.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

You're right.

[Valerie]

John C. Riley.

[Trump Impressionist]

He's here.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He.

[Valerie]

They're like, insulting each other, and it's like you're just like a, you know, a curly headed. And he's like. And. And then it eventually escalates and finally, I think it's Will Ferrell's character goes, you don't say that.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Valerie]

Which isn't. I don't think it's. It's in my mind. It's. You don't. Like, you don't say that. Or even, like, you're not allowed to say that.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't say that. Y' all don't say that. It's like, y' all don't say that, but it's. Y' all don't say that, but I

[Valerie]

don't think it is. Y' all don't say that. I think it's like, yeah, you don't say that or something. Like it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like you don't say that, but that is like, it's not the done thing.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

But it.

[Valerie]

But it's such a masterful thing because, like a kid. It is how kids talk.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is what we said about Maya Rudolph and being amazing.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In oh, Mary and Bragg. We saw her after. I'm sorry.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

You didn't even have to mention that. You did, didn't, you dirty little duck.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm out here with hard nips and I'm acting like, I don't know.

[Valerie]

I'm dropping names left and right.

[Pete Holmes]

I said, hi.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm rubbing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I texted her afterwards.

[Trump Impressionist]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate a Circular rub of a nip.

[Valerie]

I do too, but I don't want to shame anybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't yuck my yum.

[Valerie]

Oh, I did. Really did.

[Trump Impressionist]

Ate it too.

[Pete Holmes]

I hated it.

[Valerie]

But you know, I'm sure there's a context where it's not as repulsive.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I am saying it because it's interesting. It is interesting. And she was so sweet to say come back.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We were.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm done chasing that dragon.

[Trump Impressionist]

The.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, so we just said that.

[Valerie]

Told you to text her. Because I know her enough a teensiest bit to be like, I think she's the type of person that likes to say.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you reminded me of that. That meaning a very warm and gracious. But the compliment I gave, which I was very proud of. I was like, you reminded me of our seven year old.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you. And so does Mary Will Fell in that scene. If you can channel. And so does Tim Robinson. Oh, I think that's fair.

[Trump Impressionist]

That's fair. I thought monsters were on the world.

[Valerie]

It's like, once we shouldn't even be idiot. I know it was just Piggin and Vixen max, but for 50 seconds I thought there were monsters on the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me 55 burgers. Like, it's, it's just kids. We shouldn't be saying this, but comedy.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

I told you.

[Pete Holmes]

I was stoned once and I was watching comedy and I was like, this is just children's TV for kids, for grown ups.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes it's dark, sometimes it's wicked. But for the most part it's kind of like, let's take all the horrors and just put it to one side

[Trump Impressionist]

and just be like, I'm not in trouble at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Like. And we just go like, imagine it's safe. It's like a crib.

[Valerie]

It's so cozy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like being in a crib.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's like, what if we just stayed kids and we were still kids, but in adult situations.

[Pete Holmes]

I really think. Okay, I'm glad. I'm in awe of you again because it reminded me. I think that's what it is. And as we, Val and I are gonna film a show together, we're gonna make a thing. A little.

[Valerie]

It's just a little project.

[Pete Holmes]

And I want to have all these, these touchstones, these guideposts. And one of them is, if we're not laughing, it's wrong.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When we're doing it. And like, stay silly. Stay surprising.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I love these monstrous goosey. But When I was doing the Houdini, like, what I was gonna say was, the Houdini of our time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Would say, I'm gonna deliberately get canceled.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that's risking your life.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

In a way that is way more.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And there would be. So they used to be like, look at the bubbles. His hair is thinning. Maya, avert your eyes. Get the children on the Big Wheel.

[Trump Impressionist]

Damn it.

[Pete Holmes]

Damn it.

[Valerie]

Sorry. I'm sorry I called you out, but that's so funny.

[Trump Impressionist]

I went, January 6th.

[Pete Holmes]

So we are over.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Even.

[Valerie]

Over, even.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll have those eggs over even. I loved your riff. I was gonna say, these people didn't even have TVs. Yeah, but you went, where did they get a tank of water? Oh, my God, look at those chains.

[Valerie]

They're just amazed by the setup.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

They're biting the. The chain. That's real metal. That is. And then they start leaving, and Houdini

[Trump Impressionist]

has to be like, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna get in the tank.

[Valerie]

Just wait.

[Trump Impressionist]

Wow, look at his shoes.

[Valerie]

No,

[Trump Impressionist]

no.

[Valerie]

He's so fancy.

[Pete Holmes]

This man's speaking full sentence.

[Valerie]

Full sentence.

[Pete Holmes]

I couldn't make it dumb. I realized it should be dumb too late, so I made it, too. It did.

[Trump Impressionist]

It did work.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, I just want to give you riff of the century. It's been decided.

[Valerie]

Yeah, right. But you're so biased.

[Trump Impressionist]

I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

I love loving you. And I just really think I'm like, you know.

[Valerie]

But, you know, it has occurred to me because. Listen, longtime listeners of this podcast will know, like, how regular it is that I say something pretty, you know, funny, but ordinary. Disagree, that, and you just flip out over it. And there I think I feel about it. I mean, it feels so good to be honest. But also, I think I feel the parallel is how you feel when people meet me and see that I have big boobs and you're just like. Well, you know, you're a bit of, like, this is what I'm into. There's almost something exposing about, like, I married a man who celebrates the.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the vulnerability when you see what somebody is getting out of a relationship.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And for me, it's tits.

[Valerie]

And for me, it's validation.

[Trump Impressionist]

Validation.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll validate those titties. I hate the word tits.

[Valerie]

I know. Me, too. I can't say it.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't get myself to say, it's grown on me. I don't. I used to really hate it, and now I'm like, I'm okay with it. Yeah, but that Actually brings us sort of. Nice. That was just the riff at the end. I really mean it.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny. I forget why we were saying it.

[Valerie]

You made your Houdini point. Oh, it's getting canceled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, but there's. We have these wet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wind pipes and these mouths. And a glottal. We got a glottal, like a flap. And you can be like.

[Valerie]

You can make the shape with that

[Pete Holmes]

hole while blowing air out.

[Valerie]

That will ruin your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Ruin your life.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I said I used to. Maybe it belongs with that joke. I was like, people having Twitter is as close as you can feel to having a penis because you have something on you that can ruin your life.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I'll add that I. I mean, it feels the same way. It's like if you tear down any of these societal rules or if you even just pull at the thread a little bit, you're like, this does not make sense to us. Because it is like. It's like I have a hole in my body. A couple of them. That if anybody else other than you puts anything in it, then that. That makes your. That hurts you. That hurts.

[Pete Holmes]

We talked about that before. It's like me and Brian Jordan were talking about, like, there's something you and I can do that you would love. You would like it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. I would also like it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That after a wave would hit you and go, like, I've ruined my life.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you would tell me that you. This is an affair. Tell me that you did this thing that was really quite fun. Like, if it was an IMAX experience, then you get into, like, you watch pornography and masturbate. It's pretty close.

[Valerie]

Pretty close.

[Pete Holmes]

It's also not, though.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The joke that I'm working on is like. Like a sex addict. I'm like, you picked the wrong addiction. You got a whole other person involved. You have a co conspirator that's like. Has needs and want. I was like, pizza. Pizza keeps its mouth shut. Eat a pizza on the way home to dinner. Nobody needs to know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it lets you eat all of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Devour me, but make me you. That's how close I want to be. Take what I am and make new cells with me.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's.

[Sam's Club Advertiser]

That's.

[Valerie]

But it also. But a pizza can't validate your existence.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, it can.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever you said. I've been off pizza for very long now.

[Valerie]

Not me. Not I. Don't worry. I'm addicted to both sex and pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

You're sexist connect.

[Valerie]

No, maybe. I don't think so. But we all thought we were. After we read all. Yeah, after we. I'm gonna just say this in case there's other people who had this fear. Reading all the way to the river. Is that what it's called?

[Pete Holmes]

The.

[Valerie]

The new Elizabeth Gilbert book. I've met now a couple people who are like, wait, I read that book and was like, am I a sex and love addict? Because it's. It. It does.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't be. Because SLAA is too silly.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I can't be going to coleslaw. When you were a kid, did you

[Pete Holmes]

think it was in the program? I respect it. Respect it.

[Valerie]

Did you used to think it was cold slaw?

[Trump Impressionist]

Of course.

[Valerie]

Okay, great. I think we all did.

[Pete Holmes]

It's sour kraut.

[Valerie]

It's not sour crow. It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's S A U R. S A. It's probably German. I'm sorry, guys. I know you're driving to the Jersey shore. We're gonna look it up.

[Valerie]

Sauerkraut.

[Pete Holmes]

Etymology of sour crowd. It's got.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

It's S A U E, R. Yeah. The word sauerkraut comes directly from the

[Pete Holmes]

German compound noun sauerkraut. Thank you. Literally meaning sour cabbage.

[Valerie]

Okay, so it is their word for sour.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, Germany is so up our ass, language wise.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're so into us. I know. We came from.

[Valerie]

We. We stole their things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but they're so like, salah and, like, sour. Yeah, but we say sour. It's like. You're weird. You have an egg in your lunchbox. You have a farm fresh egg.

[Valerie]

This is your mess.

[Pete Holmes]

You have a farm fresh. I don't even mean hard boiled. There's just an egg. I know this is your most ethnocentric, because I'm Lithuania. I had, like. I had the milk thermos. I had beet soup.

[Valerie]

Did you.

[Pete Holmes]

A little bit.

[Trump Impressionist]

A little bit of this rift, a little bit of.

[Pete Holmes]

For this riff. I had enough Eastern European weirdness. I wish I had more. It wasn't weird enough. Yeah, it was weird in its own ways.

[Valerie]

Remember when your mom told us that her favorite lunch when she was a

[Pete Holmes]

kid was the radishes and sour cream?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Her mom would take the sour cream, like, the container once it was pretty

[Pete Holmes]

much empty, and put radishes in it and.

[Valerie]

And I think, like, vinegar, and just shake it up and like salt and pepper, and that was her lunch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That was Sour Patch Kids back then. That's how you got them.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Sour well, Cabbage patch, there's something there.

[Pete Holmes]

Sour Cabbage patch, kids panties. We've done it.

[Valerie]

We've done it.

[Pete Holmes]

This can be a 45. This was such a fun.

[Valerie]

I have this thing to read.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I. I want you to know I feel so good about this episode.

[Valerie]

Me, too.

[Pete Holmes]

It could be 45.

[Valerie]

Do you want me to not read this?

[Pete Holmes]

No, Are you kidding? I love a good hour.

[Trump Impressionist]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

We're still cooking.

[Valerie]

We're still cooking. This will be quick. First of all, my handwriting was better. Okay. Okay, so Leela has found.

[Pete Holmes]

This is incredible handwriting.

[Valerie]

It was better back then because I was going to school and I was writing all the time. And now I never write, so my handwriting is way worse. Okay, so Leela, our daughter, found my journals from, like, my childhood and decided, like, everything she does, anything she finds, she decides it's hers. And she ripped out pages in the. All of the pages where I had written something and just left them in a drawer and was like, this is my journal now.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, she is a little.

[Valerie]

She's a little Trump, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was gonna say she's like a Napoleon.

[Valerie]

Yeah, she's a little, like, colonialist.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she's taken it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hers.

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[Valerie]

Of course, Jason. It's in the name. Sam's Club.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Valerie]

And so I found this just like on a counter. It's a pa. It's just one page. Well, front and back in. The most beautiful handwriting you've ever seen is from when I was 13 years old.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie. I just saw in the back a huge desire to lead people.

[Valerie]

I can't. I, I.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Okay.

[Valerie]

I just want everybody to know I'm all lit up about this because I just read this, like, while you were setting up the podcast gear. I was. I found it and read it and I was like, I should read this on the podcast. And then I was like, no, I can't. It's so embarrassing. And then I was like, that means I probably should do it. So it's like, I. Okay. You're gonna appreciate it the most because you'll realize how much it sounds exactly like my mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good.

[Valerie]

So I really was just like being a little version of my mom. And my mom is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I was. Yep. That's what we were all doing.

[Valerie]

Yes. And it's so earnest and so Christian. It's so Christian. I shouldn't be setting it up this much. I'm just telling you I was a real Christian dork. And you're all about to find out for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Valerie]

And. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna read it. It's just a little journal entry from October 2003. I was 13 years old.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like NPR.

[Valerie]

Today, a very special thing happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

I went to a ladies retreat in search of some answers or at least peace about not having any right now. You see? I said, you see?

[Pete Holmes]

This is Reader's Digest.

[Valerie]

I know. It's Chicken Soup for the Soul. You see, lately I've been feeling sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, it is so Chicken Soup for the Soul. I can't even. At least some peace for not having any.

[Valerie]

I would. I loved Chicken Soup for the Soul

[Pete Holmes]

when I read Chicken Soup for the Soul. So it changed my life.

[Valerie]

How old were you?

[Pete Holmes]

Probably, you know, 14, 15.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. And they had the different ones. They had, like, teenage Chicken Soup.

[Pete Holmes]

It was Chicken Soup the first one,

[Valerie]

I don't even really remember anything about it.

[Pete Holmes]

I do, but I remember there's a chapter that changed my life. It's called thanks for asking. It was about a CEO of some Fortune 500 company. Some desperate person called them up and was like, hey, I need 20 grand to get this plane. Whatever. You got to get a rhino from here to here. I don't know what it was. And they were so humiliated to ask this guy. And at the end of the call, he went, of course. Thanks for asking. And I was like, it changed my life.

[Valerie]

Wow. More on that.

[Pete Holmes]

The thought that rich, powerful people might be looking for ways to feel good and connected and engaged. It's like the hottest girl in the bar is the loneliest kind of thing.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, like they want. And I know a lot of rich and powerful people.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And in my experience, not always, obviously, they don't want to be exploited. They don't want. But like, if there's an authentic. If there's something close to your heart, it feels good for them to help and to be involved. So it just made. I'm sure, with no exaggeration, that story is part of what emboldened me to

[Trump Impressionist]

go, like, let's go pitch this to Conan o'. Brien.

[Valerie]

Yes, Conan. Yes. Okay. Well, this, like, emboldened is the right word too, because this is, this is something that struck me after I read. This is like, you'll see, there's a lot of emphasis on humility. This is so much about, like, not taking up too much space. And I, I'm like, this is, this is the different. You and I were really similar. We were, like, raised in similar situations and we're, we were really similar kids. Except that you didn't have this piece where it was like, really put upon you that the best thing you can be is humble. In fact, it was the opposite. It was like, get out there and be confident and shake a hand.

[Trump Impressionist]

Right. What you do is you go into the barbershop and you say, everything's for sale.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And that's why, you know, I love

[Pete Holmes]

that about my dad.

[Valerie]

You were 22 when you pursued your dreams. And I was, was 35.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you did it. You smoked salmon.

[Valerie]

Thank you. Okay, so I'm, I'm at a ladies retreat and search for some answers or at least peace about not having any right now, which is so stressful for a 13 year old. Like, I gotta get some answers.

[Pete Holmes]

I relate. So hard to this.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Keep going.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I knew you would. You see, lately I'VE been feeling sort of, in quotes, worthless, or at least not important. I had some pretty great things planned for myself by the time I reached this age 13. Of course, God reminded me that he, too, had some plans and that it's. It was his, in fact, in quotes. Not. Not accurate. No, it was his that mattered also, that he would let me know when the time was right. Meanwhile, he sent Charlene.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm. And that brings me to Charlene. This chapter is called Charlene.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it is.

[Trump Impressionist]

Oh.

[Valerie]

Oh, it definitely is. Just wait till it ends.

[Pete Holmes]

Which brings me to Charlene. That's all.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Until.

[Pete Holmes]

That is, until I met Charlene.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Okay. Today, he. Today she told me that God had an amazing call for my life.

[Trump Impressionist]

Life.

[Valerie]

And that in parentheses, to my surprise, I have an authority in me and a leadership. Just in the way I present myself.

[Trump Impressionist]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

You know that kick, right? Ryu does the spinning. No, the spinning hurricane kick. I'm doing that in my heart.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is, by the way, and I'm actually saying this with no degradation in church. One of the things they've really cornered the market on is telling young people, I see leadership in you.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I see authority.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And you're like, great.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's very biblical.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very like, I know Moses. You're not a speaker, but you can do it. And it's very beautiful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And people did it to me. I. I don't mean to keep interrupting, but this is a lot that you're giving me. No, and it's a lot, and I love it. But, like, anointing with, like. I was anointed with oil in a church.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. We anointed all the time.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

This was at the Mattapan church I went to that I loved because they were more charismatic. Charismatic. Yeah, that's the word.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say festive.

[Valerie]

Ours was charismatic. And. And, like, yes. Somebody coming up to you. It's like a psychic reading.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And. But you could also do it. Charlene is probably, like, how old she

[Valerie]

was probably maybe 55 in this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you could do it.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

I realized pretty quickly, oh, I did

[Valerie]

it for people, too.

[Pete Holmes]

And go, like, God told me leadership. And God told me, well, this is what. To fast track to being at the cutting edge of the universe.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. I remember this moment. And in fact, I journaled it, because my mom later was like, you should write about that. This is like a big moment. Like, God spoke to you today through Charlene and said that you are going to be a leader. And I just was like, okay, here we go. It felt. It does feel good. Okay. So just in the way that I. So I have authority in me and leadership, just in the way that I present myself. I found this quite interesting, but not really surprising. Now, I mean that in the most humble way possible.

[Trump Impressionist]

Wow.

[Valerie]

I won't even give myself that on paper. Yeah. In my own journal. Now, please understand me. Even though I wasn't surprised, I am still humble. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

See, for me, that was part of the cosplay.

[Trump Impressionist]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm realizing that so much of my life was. That's why I love the movie Talented Mr. Ripley was. Believe it or not, I tease you for being the mirror in our lives. But as a kid, that's all I was doing. And you. You loaded me with a certain software. I would go around and be, like, anointed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sermon accountability.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I loved it.

[Valerie]

But you knew, did you.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Part of.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

You knew.

[Valerie]

You were pretending?

[Pete Holmes]

I think not even that deep down, I was like, here's how I knew it. You go, like, I'm gonna say this. It's what I want to say. And then I know I can, like, edge it and go. Like, I say that with all humor.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I knew that, too. But I also did very much believe that the worst thing I could be in the world is selfish. And the thing that I need to always try to be is humble. Like, I. That was, like, a fundamental. There's another very sad journal entry that I won't read where it was like, my mom wanted to take me on, like, this trip for the. For my spring break, and I really didn't want to go because I was, like, exhausted and just wanted to, like, watch TV all day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And. And I, like, kind of. I got upset that we, like, were gonna go on this trip, and then my dad told me I was being selfish, and I. So I have this. This deep, dark journal entry that's like, I've done it. I've become the monster I never wanted to be. I've become selfish. It's like, this is what we do. This is why it's, like, very healing that Leela comes in and it's busting through and is like, this journal's mine. I don't want to do that. I don't like playing with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, and I don't want to go.

[Valerie]

Then it's all. It's also, like, she has to learn to, like, hone that as well. But it's. It's so much better.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd rather Refine that. Squash all of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Then squash all of it. And then have her try to rebuild

[Pete Holmes]

it in her dominion over the animals. God gave us dominion over the animals.

[Valerie]

And it's also like. That's something my dad said once. And it's like God gave us dominion over women, too.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. It's a slippery dominion.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it is. Where does the dominion. Okay, so I mean that in the most humble way possible. You see, I don't have a huge desire to lead people. I hate making decisions, and I would much rather follow quietly in the back. That is my mom.

[Pete Holmes]

It's also Handmaid's Tale.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's like. Because also, like, you know me now. Nuh.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're a great. This sounds like we're being kinky now, but you are a great leader.

[Valerie]

Thank you. However, God has been recently revealing to me how much I already lead people.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Now here comes, by the way, if

[Pete Holmes]

you read this again and say reality in place of God, meaning the universe, or like the. Which I know is very west coast of us, but that's what I'm doing. I'm like, I see what you're saying.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

God is showing. And I like that language. Yeah, I like that language.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's not totally bad. Okay. No, this is chicken soupy. So how. How much I've already been leading people. Now here comes the surprising part.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

She hugged me and told me I was going to lead the nations. This is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the Bible. You're gonna lead the nations.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, it doesn't mean anything.

[Pete Holmes]

I love.

[Valerie]

That's the most Christian thing I've ever heard.

[Trump Impressionist]

Christian.

[Pete Holmes]

Just modern Christian children say. I've said this before, but saying the promises God made to Israel.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

To each other.

[Valerie]

To each other. And also, that's colonialism. That's like you're going to spread. Because by leading the nation, she means, like, you're going to spread the word of God, which means you're going to spread our way of life to people in other cultures. That's colonialism. And I was. And this is. So I said I was going to lead the nations.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Wow.

[Valerie]

That's pretty big stuff. That's what I wrote.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never been that, like, that filled me with a wind.

[Valerie]

A cold, mighty wind.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a good revitalizing cold wind. We're just so made for each other. We were always made for each other.

[Valerie]

Wow. That's pretty big stuff. And it sounds pretty important to me.

[Pete Holmes]

This is great.

[Trump Impressionist]

Okay.

[Valerie]

We're almost there.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't even, don't even rush it.

[Valerie]

Now don't get me wrong. I know I'm not single handedly going to revolutionize the world or even Pine Hill for that matter. That was my school. That job may later seem like.

[Pete Holmes]

That job may later seem like.

[Valerie]

Like the simplest task and hardly effective. But it won't be. I don't even know what that means. When did humans start thinking they had the right to decide what will be the most effective anyway?

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

What?

[Valerie]

We're. We're on a tangent here.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the other great thing about being a young believer. You can always kick things up to God and just be like, yeah.

[Land Rover Advertiser]

And when.

[Valerie]

Who, who do I.

[Pete Holmes]

Who am I to think God laughs.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. That was basically my version.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

It's also.

[Pete Holmes]

You could. That's not bad. I, I don't know why. I, I've been reading so much Richard Rohr lately that I'm like, it's beautiful.

[Valerie]

I mean there is. There's a human. I mean that's it again. So you'll see. Like the pattern of this is like. This is really cool. I like this person says that I have potential. But don't get me wrong. I know it's not too much potential, but maybe I'm going to be a leader. But like not that I think that I actually could lead, but who? You know, it's like, this is why I'm a hobbit now. This is like totally the hobbits making where you're like, but who am I to carry the ring? You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Anyway, it's almost turns out only you can carry the ring, Valerie.

[Valerie]

When did humans start thinking that's sonic.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm still here.

[Valerie]

Oh God, I'm so glad he's here

[Trump Impressionist]

for this beautiful Earnest.

[Valerie]

This is the end. So I'll just read this last drunk.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'll read.

[Valerie]

I'll lead us in. When did humans start thinking that they had the right to decide what would be the most effective? Anyway. Anyway, God told me all I need to know right now through Charlene. And you know what? I believe her. Like literally. My friend Katie was giving blow jobs at 13 and that's what I was doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well,

[Valerie]

oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I am a big believer.

[Trump Impressionist]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why. This is what. It's so adorable. It's so beautiful. It's just such a great part of you and it's also very funny and it really brought me back.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But like I'm a really big believer that find somebody who can share in your experience. I don't think we need to all be dating ourselves.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think if you have a very specific. I don't know, man. I don't want to sound ethnocentric or even cultural centric. Like, you have to date somebody from your world. Obviously, you don't.

[Valerie]

You don't. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying I get a lot out of the fact that we both were raised in a very similar.

[Valerie]

When it was a very. When it's a very specific world like that, it is really helpful to have somebody be like. So you see how, like, there's so much in that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there's a lot. And I understand all of it. I could have written that.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know. I thought of that, like, because you've read me enough of your things that I could see you writing that. Even trying to be like, no, that

[Pete Holmes]

was a whole thing. I, I remember leading Mustard Seeds, which was our Bible study. I was kicked out my junior year, senior year. I, like, tripled down and was like, I'm going to take this super seriously. And I was one of the leaders and I would give these little sermons and one. I, they. I. I think about them sometimes. One of them was called integrity, who you are when no one's watching. And I thought this was like, like. And I can't even put it down. It was testing out. What's it like to speak with people? What's it like to podcast? You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was bad. Obviously it was bad. And thank God, pre Internet, nobody's posting this. It was just me in the gym of our church, you know, going, like, really basic stuff. I remember, I think I've talked about this before, but my friend Jen was like. Because I gave this whole talk on, like, like, I don't want to give you a Raisinet when you're ready for a raisin. Like, insane little megalomaniac. And she went, this is a raisin that. Like this. Like, because she was actually reading the Bible. She was like an academic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Trump Impressionist]

Very smart person.

[Pete Holmes]

And she was like, this is nothing. Like, she saw through my Bart Simpson covered wagon selling the elixir. Like, if I just go in with charisma. This is why I love, like, docs about church leaders and like, you know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like faith healers. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of. I can get into that pocket where, like, I am today.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, flared up mania and just kind of preach on anything.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm sure, like, A lot of professions, the leaders are, you know, can lean that way.

[Trump Impressionist]

All that.

[Pete Holmes]

To be all that. Whatever. I. What was I gonna say? Oh. So I was trying to get to the church. The church was about a mile, maybe a mile and a half from our house. And I had my sermon. I had it printed out on the dot matrix printer. I had them printed out, handouts for everybody. Two colors. Who cares? It could have been on anything. Nehemiah. I gave one talk on Nehemiah. Building the wall around Jerusalem. I think it's Jerusalem. Anyway. And I couldn't get there. My dad was supposed to be home by 6 or 7 so he could give me a ride. He's not there. My mom's too scared to drive at night or whatever it is. I can't drive. I'm like 14, 15, and I'm like, I have to walk. And I walked. And I didn't know this at the time, which isn't that crazy. But it's at night, and I walk. And I remember vividly. I'm going over the talk in my mind.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I remember. I'm telling you about all I remember where I was. Where I was walking in Lexington. I was like, the devil doesn't want me to give this talk. Like, mania. And I'm also exercising feeling.

[Valerie]

I know that. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So my heart rate's up. I don't even know myself.

[Valerie]

I'm doing something important and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

He's trying to stop it. And like, this is. This matters.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I got there and I'm all lit up. I don't even know. I'm like, okay, can we start? And there was a kid named Lawrence. Lawrence was with the Metco program. I think this is important. He went to that Mattapan church that I told you about. So it's a black church. And he would come to Mustard Seeds sometimes. And I think that adds. Adds dimension to the story because I'm like, off. Off my nut.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go. And I open. I go. The devil doesn't want me to give this talk tonight.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And Lawrence gives me the best. Like, I don't. Not just because he's black, but like Steve Harvey, kind of like, what did this boy. Just like that. And he was so in his rights.

[Valerie]

What? Did he say anything or.

[Pete Holmes]

He just gave you a little. He didn't even give me a look. He was making a look like, this kid is crazy and I'll never forget it. So it was that.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

What I'm realizing. What I'm trying to realize is so much of life, so much of creativity, so much of social stuff. So much of everything is just getting it wrong and having safe places to get it wrong. Like when they're doing coding, they make, I believe it's called a sandbox. So they take the code and they copy and they put it in a. In a perimeter so if it goes wrong, it won't escape and corrupt the whole system. Yeah, that's what everything was. It was me.

[Trump Impressionist]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not that it has to become stand up or podcasting or books or whatever, but I was like, that was me. And Lawrence's look was like, right, okay, this is a. This is a drug or this is like an intoxicant. And we have to be careful. Otherwise, the. The holy look, no exaggeration of Lawrence. Yeah, you gotta, like, be cool, baby. You know, Cool.

[Valerie]

Just be cool.

[Trump Impressionist]

It ain't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not Lawrence. That's from a Mac Miller song.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I. I mean, I. I remember having the first time I get sleep paralysis, and the first time I got it was when I was about to go on a missions trip to Belize.

[Pete Holmes]

And you thought it was the devil,

[Valerie]

and my mom told me that, like, the devil, and it's not. And, you know, my mom was just doing the best she could, but, like,

[Pete Holmes]

everybody's doing the best.

[Valerie]

But I was like, I just had the most, like, the craziest feeling where, like, I was awake, but I couldn't move, and I was. I was paralyzed and I felt like I was being crushed. And I felt like, like demons were all around me, you know? And she was like, well, you're about to do something really important. You're about to do God's work. And, you know, the devil doesn't like that.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, family was a trip, man.

[Valerie]

And then my mom now goes like, why were you guys so scared all the time? I was never afraid of hell or Satan or whatever. And I was like, well, I'm glad you weren't afraid of it. But you were telling us this because

[Pete Holmes]

we got it young, like you had.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even my mom came to the church later, and I think she loved the community and the songs and the message is all good stuff. And then we were raised. I wrote this in my book early in Grown Ups, the people who told us how to be safe in our bodies. And they have keys and wallets, you know, and they're like, you'll go to hell.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's demons just looking to them

[Valerie]

to tell us what reality is.

[Pete Holmes]

We swallow it so whole, so whole that it's Way different for her. When we talk about. In fact, I'll speak to that because I was listening to Richard. I've been going through. Not even. I don't want to say it's a Richard phase. I've just been remembering how important Richard Roy's work is in my life. And we can close on this because we gotta go. But close. He was just casually. He just dropped.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Drops.

[Pete Holmes]

Such amazing. So this is in the falling upward talk on YouTube, which is amazing, especially if you're middle aged. It's a great middle aged book and talk. And he goes, Jesus says, love your enemies. And then God is torturing eternally his enemies. He goes, it doesn't add up. It, it like it doesn't work right. It needs to be reconciled. Like we need to fix that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, you know, that's one of the things he's doing is going like we've lost the plot. And it's like Jesus is speaking. You know what I mean? It's like that and you know, loving your enemies. And then that, that lingering, drunk, scary dad thing. Takes a lot of laps of the ocean on that stone to smooth it out.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's one.

[Valerie]

That's right. That's it. All right, everybody. Well, good stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Good great stuff. An all timer.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So much laughing and what a, what a great find you had. Thank you for sharing that.

[Valerie]

Oh my gosh. It's so, so embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

Frame it.

[Valerie]

I, I really do have the urge.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Way to get that tank of water.

[Valerie]

Throw it away.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at the size of that tank.

[Valerie]

How did he get a tank of water?

[Trump Impressionist]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

That was worth it.

[Valerie]

Look at his shoes. Are those penny loafers?

[Pete Holmes]

That's not finger combed. That's comb combed.

[Valerie]

Thank you so much, sir, for coming today.

[Trump Impressionist]

Wait.

[Pete Holmes]

This has exceeded my expectations.

[Trump Impressionist]

You're on a raised platform.

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

Wow.

[Valerie]

Who built that? Look at that craftsmanship.

[Trump Impressionist]

Don't tell me you built it. This is phenomenal magic indeed.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at the buttons on his shirt.

[Trump Impressionist]

They're cinched up. I have a goat for a shoe. Well, I'm going home.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm going to submerge in the tank.

[Trump Impressionist]

No, that's not necessary.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't put yourself at hazard, my man.

[Valerie]

You've given us a great gift today. Oh, my God.

[Trump Impressionist]

Here's another five piece for the show.

[Valerie]

All right, everybody, until next time, keep it crispy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] upfront payment of

[Mint Mobile Advertiser]

45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms.