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You Make Sense
The Roadmap to Somatic Healing: Using Science to Heal in a Way That Works
01:05:49
Did you know there is an order to which we heal? When we use the right tools, in the right order, our systems respond and it expedites our healing. Sarah will guide you through the somatic roadmap necessary to facilitate deep, lasting change, using somatic modalities that speak directly to your nervous system. Discover how Polyvagal Theory, Attachment Theory, Parts Work, and more are all connected and play a crucial role in our healing. Whether you're just starting or well into your healing journey, this episode offers invaluable tools to help you cultivate the life you desire.
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Sarah
Hi, I'm Sarah, and welcome to youo Makesense. I'm a somatic experiencing practitioner and expert on trauma resolution, attachment parts work, and nervous system regulation. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense all parts always. So what most people don't know is that there's actually an order necessary to facilitate holistic healing. Meaning there are things that we need to do sequentially in order for us to have the results that we're looking for. And because this isn't public knowledge, and I would even say that a lot of clinicians and therapists and coaches, et cetera, don't even know about this order, that what occurs is we find ourselves really not getting the results that we're desiring. And most of the time that ends up making us feel like we're doing something wrong. That was certainly my experience for so much of my journey. And so over the course of the last, I don't know, 12 years or so, I have done so many different trainings and, and I'm trained in so many different specialties that it really allowed me to take a bird's eye view and look at the healing process as a web instead of as these different siloed modalities that a lot of people find themselves resourcing, like parts work or attachment work, or cognitive behavioral therapy or somatic work or EMDR and so on and so forth that. That the truth is, so many of these different modalities need each other in order to have the holistic change and really make the changes that we're desiring. But they also have to be approached in a specific order in order for our systems to be able to really have the lasting change that we're looking for. I think about this a lot, like going to physical therapy. Imagine you had an injury like you. You broke your knee and you had surgery. So you wouldn't start with doing jump squats, right? That would be much too intense for your kn. You would start with, I'm not a physical therapist, so I don't know for all those physical therapists listening how you actually do this, but you'd start with probably first just some ice and heat and maybe laser stimulation and small movement and massage, stretching the muscles so really gentle. And the more that you did that and the muscles were able to heal and the ligaments, then what you would do is you'd start strengthening. So now we might start doing, like, body weight squats and Just a few of them, not too many, and so on and so forth until you get to the point of doing jump squats. So it's very reasonable, right, that you would do this in a sequential order. The same is true for our healing, but it's not public knowledge. So imagine if you just went to do as I named, you know, jump squats, or you started to run, you'd probably injure yourself worse and at the very least it wouldn't be helpful. And I see this happen so often for people on their healing journeys. That happened to me on my healing journey for such a long time. And you know, what occurred was I would hear something and someone would say, EMDR is really, really great. And then I went to do EMDR and it just overwhelmed my system. I actually didn't get the results that I wanted and I just assumed, well, something must be wrong with me, and so on and so forth. So I tried all of these different things, but nobody told me that there was an order to the process. The other thing that I want to name is healing is really hard work. I say this a lot, but I think it's the, it's the hero's journey, it's the bravest thing we could ever do. Because in order for us to get freedom in our lives, we must confront and look at the things that were too overwhelming, overwhelming to look at. So the only way out is through. We have to go towards it. And that isn't for the faint of heart. It's really, really hard work and such fruitful work when we do it in the right order. But it's really hard work and it shouldn't be that. It also has to be a full time job that we have to understand the order to which this happens. So I'm just so excited about this episode because this is not public knowledge. It's not something again that I even think that a lot of clinicians and therapists understand. And by the way, I won't say that's really fault of their own. So many master's programs don't really focus on the holistic nature of healing. A lot of times it's focused on the cognitive components of the healing process which you, you may experience as talk therapy, which again has a place but isn't the whole thing. And so because of that, you know, I just want to name like a therapist finishes school, they have to get all these hours and then it's extra money, meaning we have to spend our own money to go do all of these TR trainings and time and Resources that a lot of people don't have. And I had the, you know, luckily had the ability to do that and spent a good decade, over a decade training in the most esteemed, researched modalities in terms of trauma resolution, somatic work, and healing as a whole. And what I began to see very clearly was that there was an order that was necessary in order. In order for us to have the changes that we're desiring. So I want to give that to you today and explain it to you so that then you can take this and apply it in your life. This order that I'm giving you, I call it the roadmap for healing. And it's something that is inside of all the programs that I offer. I have some programs that just start with the nervous system, but others that really go through the arc of this journey. And it's the journey that I took myself. The other thing I want to also just say is I had a process where I had to go to so many different providers. Maybe you felt that way too. Like, I have to research all of this, find all of these different people, go to them. Also. I will say that healing work is like dating. So you go to somebody who might have all of the degrees and the understanding, but it just didn't feel like they got you. So now I'm doing this dating process. I'm trying to find people to help me. There are all these different modalities. Nobody tells me which one to do in which order, and it's just too much. So what I think is so important is finding somebody who has more of this broadcast understanding of all of this work, so that you don't have to be the person that finds so many other. So many different people to help you. And that's what you can find inside any of my programs if it's something you're interested in. So let's go through this roadmap for a moment. And the order of healing. This all begins with your nervous system. I'm an expert in the nervous system and polyvagal theory, and I say this a lot, but this is certainly what the research shows, is that your nervous system is the foundation of all healing. Bringing regulation to it is the foundation. Because your nervous system, as we know and we've talked about a lot on this podcast, is responsible for your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors, your. The sensations you experience, your perception of self, others in the world around you. So what does that mean? It means it creates your whole experience. Every part of your lived experience is influenced by it. Right now Your nervous system is creating your experience. So when we've experienced trauma, and we've all experienced trauma of some kind, our nervous system that hasn't been resolved, our nervous system essentially thinks that that thing is still going on or happening in the present moment, or could happen at any given moment. And so the result of that is we are experiencing dysregulation or active self protection a lot in our lives. So that means that you don't get to feel free and expanded and alive. You might feel anxious and stuck and frozen and having insomnia and feeling apathetic and shut down and all of those things we don't want. And we can't seem to step towards the life we desire. So in order for us to heal trauma, people ask me this a lot, like, how do you heal trauma? The foundation of that is bringing regulation to your nervous system. Our nervous system, we're going to get into this in a later episode. But our nervous system naturally has the ability to do something called pendulate. And that simply means to go from feeling disregulated to. To regulated. If you have an animal, you've seen them do it. I talk about this a lot, but. But I've got a dog, Truman and Truman. When I and both of my dogs did this, Jerry did this too. But when I give him a bath, he goes into dysregulation. Even though I'm so loving. I give him green peppers because he likes those. It doesn't seem to calm him down when he's getting a bath. He just goes into freeze. Just like panic, panic, panic. I'm gonna die. My mom's killing me. I don't know why. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thanks for the green pepper. But why am I gonna die? And then when I put him on the ground, his nervous system pendulates. He doesn't have to ask it to, it just does. Meaning he goes on a running jag and shakes and gets the out of his body. So that's him regulating his nervous system. When we've experienced trauma, our nervous system doesn't know how to do that anymore. It gets stuck in this disregulation. So what we're doing is we regulate our nervous system is we're literally taking and experiencing this old traumatic energy in our bodies. And we are getting it out of our body sometimes energy that's literally 20, 30 years old. And we're discharging it through our bodies, through, out of our body through regulating. And that teaches our nervous system how to pendulate again. The goal is that you live predominantly regulated in your life, meaning feeling really good. And of course, we get disregulated, but predominantly feeling good. And when you navigate stressful situations, you can go from dysregulation to regulation. So this vehicle that's in, I call it the vehicle inside of you. It is so important to understand it and then get in the driver's seat of it. If you are not in the driver's seat of your nervous system. I say this a lot. You've heard me say this. But it's like you go in the back seat and it takes over on cruise control. And it is going to drive your vehicle away from anything that has been dangerous, dangerous in the past and will avoid things that it think could be, could be dangerous. Which means a lot of us are not living the true life we are here to live the expanded life we are here to live. So there's so much power in regulating our nervous system. And remember, it affects everything. So that's like phase one of the, the holistic healing process. Phase two of this is looking at our attachment. Now, when it comes to attachment, this simply means how do you connect to other living beings, other people or anim? And we know that this is influenced by our earliest childhood experiences. But the vehicle responsible for how you attach is your nervous system. Because remember, your nervous system creates the sensations, feelings, and behaviors what shows up in a relationship. Sensations, feelings, and behaviors. So your nervous system is running the show in your attachment and in your relationships. We've talked about, talked about this. But if you have an anxious attachment, your nervous system needs closeness. So it's going to use your sympathetic nervous system in order to get close it, which is a state of dysregulation. If you're avoidant, your nervous system is going to say, people aren't safe. So you're going to shut down or pull away and use your dorsal vagal complex. State of shutdown, Your nervous system is doing this. If you're disorganized, you like people close, but when they're close, you push them away. You're going to use your state of freeze where I I want this, but I can't have it. I want this, but I but no, I don't want it. I want it, but I don't have it, don't want it. That's your state of freeze. And if we have a secure attachment, we're going to use our ventral vehicle complex, our state of regulation, because we feel safe. All of that is influenced by your nervous system so you can See, if you don't gain control of your nervous system, you're not going to be able to change what's happening in your relationships fully in your attachment. So it starts with the nervous system. In order for us to then look at how we attach. You can't learn your way into a safe, secure attachment. You have to feel your way into that because it's all occurring through the nervous system. Now next I want to talk about like phase three of this healing process. And, and phase one, two and three come very closely together. We can even begin to do them in tandem. But phase three is parts work. Parts work, you may have heard referred to as internal family systems or inner child work. It's all really the same thing. And just a brief understanding of, of how parts work works is that essentially we have, we have our adult self, that's our numeric age, that when we're regulated, is here and present in our bodies. So you have that threat detector neuroception I've talked about before a lot. And the way that it decides if you're safe or not is by looking to your internal database of past information, all your lived experience. And it looks for flavorings or similarities of things. So if it's reminded of something in the past, like let's say you have a partner who gets mad, got mad, gets frustrated, and your threat detector says, oh my gosh, what information do we have on that? And it looks to the database and your caregiver was dangerously angry, they hurt you. Not just frustrated, they hurt you. So what occurs is that threat detector says, this reminds me of when I was 10 years old. And all of the sudden I have literally traveled time to being that 10 year old and that 10 year old is inhabiting my body. No longer in my adult me, it's if this 10 year old is, I call it being on the plate, meaning present in my body. And for most people, we are going oscillating all the time from different parts because our threat detector is being reminded of different things. I like to think about it like, like we are one whole being. And when these parts in our lives have experienced different things that were overwhelming to them, it's as if they get fragmented off or broken off. In a way they're still connected to us, like kind of through a rope, but they're, they're stuck in those experiences they've had. And when the, the threat detector is reminded of those of similar experiences, it's as if they get traveled back to that time, meaning they're in our body, they're re experiencing it. And what's really fascinating and important to understand is that each part can have their own autonomic tone. We talked about autonomic tone in an early episode and essentially that's the current shape of your nervous system. So let's say the current shape of my adult nervous system is maybe for some of you it's like a low grade sympathetic. So you feel, you just kind of always feel like you're on the go and it's hard to slow down and maybe a little anxiety that would might be like a 3 in intensity sympathetic out of 10. Now when you get into a fight with a friend, maybe a 15 year old part of you gets triggered or activated and is your bot and is in your body. And whatever that 15 year old felt in their nervous system, that's the shape of the 15 year old's nervous system. So now when that 15 year old part of me is present, I don't just feel the three low grade sympathetic, I feel a nine panic. And the reason I feel that is because that's the shape of that parts nervous system. So in order to do parts work we have to understand our nervous systems because the nervous system is what's affecting the experience of each part as they come into my body. And if you're saying oh my gosh, this is so new and what else are you going to tell me about parts, I want to know more. There's other episodes about parts that you can listen to as well. So really important to understand that. And the other thing that I want to name is if our parts, those younger parts don't have adult us yet to experience safety, then what they're going to, what happens is our nervous system protects those parts in the form of active self protection. So if we don't protect our parts, adult us, our nervous system does in the form of the stuckness we experience and so on and so forth. At one point in my healing journey, I remember I was, you know, in a, in a session, my own session, and I looked around my home and I said, you know, I have a beautiful prison now. Meaning it used to be this terrible hard prison. And I've said this before, painful prison. And now it's a beautiful prison, but I'm trapped in it. Meaning I can't expand into the bigger life I desire because that bigger life was really threatening to my younger parts. And they were like, this is pretty cool in this house. It's nice in here. Now it's not like the house in childhood. We don't need to Go out into the world and we don't need to go to a park and we don't need to meet friends because that feels scary because that part wasn't protected in the past. And so if we don't protect our parts, our nervous system, they're going to say, I don't want to step into that bigger life. And our nervous system is going to support them in that by stopping us. So in order to do parts work, we have to develop our adult self. And what we need our adult self to have is consistent regulation of our nervous system. Remember, I just named in phase two, in terms of attachment. What is necessary for a child to have a secure attachment is that their caregiver was able to consistently co regulate with them, meaning to give them what they needed, which was that consistent regulated nervous system. So when it comes to us, us changing our attachment and healing our parts, we have to become the caregiver we never got. Which is why the nervous system work is phase one. The more that you do that and you become what your caregiver couldn't be, which is a consistent pillar of regulation for your parts. That now that I have that, I can come and get to know my parts and address them and give them what they never got in the present moment. It's so cool. And when you do it in this order, it happens much faster. Much faster certainly than, than doing it out of this order. But I would just say in general it happens very, very fast. This isn't years and years process that it has to take. You're noticing shifts in immediacy because this is. Imagine if you were with a child and you comforted them, they would have a shift right now. It wouldn't be a shift that happens later. And every single one of those moments of connection and those shifts that happen build on each other. And what occurs is when you greet these parts, every moment of connection you have gets stored in your database of past information, meaning your system sees, maybe it is safe to be seen, maybe it is safe to belong, maybe it is safe to be protected, and so on and so forth. And then that actually heals the past in your present. We literally are rewriting our childhoods when we do this work. And it's not something you can just talk your way into. If you try to just tell your parts, hey, you're safe, but adult you doesn't feel safe. The part is not going to feel safe. Just like imagine if I was with a kid and they were like, there's a monster in the closet. And I was like, oh my gosh, you're totally right, there's a monster in the closet. The kid would be like, oh my God, we are not safe here. Everyone thinks there's a monster in the closet. Even if you say, no, there's no monster in the closet. But you feel anxious, the child feels that and they won't be able to calm down. So your. I say this a lot, but we need to not be scared of their scary meaning I need to not be scared of the young parts fear. And the only way to do that is by really working the muscle of becoming this competent protector or adult self. Which again is why nervous system regulation comes first, then attachment and then parts work. And the more you do parts work, the more it heals your attachment. So those three really go together. Now the next phase that I look at, that we look at once we have enough internal safety, is boundaries. Now, boundaries are a natural part of life setting of boundaries. And boundaries are informed by our internal truth and our internal limits. If you look at a child that has been safely able to be in contact with their truth and their limits, if you ask a child anything, they'll be able to answer it for you immediately. Like, if I said to a kid, do you want to do jumping jacks with me? They might be like, no. And if I said why, they might be like, I don't think you're fun. You know, I hope they wouldn't say that to me, but they might. And that might just be their opinion and maybe they don't want to. Or they might say something like, I don't know, I think you smell weird, you know, and where is that coming from? Well, they're just truth that they think that about me. Or they might say, yes, I'd love to. Where is that coming from? Their truth and internal desire for connection with me. And so they connect to their truth. And then based on that, they either step towards something or away from something. We all have the ability to do this. Every animal has it. Now, for many of us, what occurred along the way is it wasn't safe for us to communicate our truth. Because if I was to say, I don't want to do jumping jacks with you, I may have been told, wow, you're a really mean little kid by an adult. That's so rude and so unkind. So the message I just got there is it's not a good idea for me to be connected with my truth, because when I am and I express it, I hurt people or I get hurt because of my truth. So what occurs is a kid adapts and they learn to dis. And we can learn this in our adult lives too. We disconnect from our truth and then we become overly focused on the other. And all of this is informed by our nervous system. Right, because our truth lives in our body when we're in regulation. And then based on that, a behavior arises to set the boundary. Now if we're truth is taken away, we go into disregulation and then a behavior arises from that, a self protective behavior. So we might find ourselves saying yes to everything, reflexively saying yes. We might find ourselves reflexively saying no to everything or oscillating between the two instead of actually checking within with our internal truth. Now how do we do that? Well, we have to have regulation of our nervous system because our truth lives in regulation. That's where we find it. And then from that place we set the behavior. So if I'm not in control of my nervous system, I won't be able to set somatic boundaries. By the way, I don't even, shouldn't even need to say the word somatic because boundaries are somatic in nature. That's just not something that most of us know. We think of boundaries as like a cognitive thing, thing. Like what are the red flags for boundaries, green flags for boundaries, and so on, so forth. Well, nobody knows what your boundaries should be, only your nervous system and in your internal truth knows that. And then again from that limits arise. We won't be able to set embodied boundaries, that's what I call them, until we have internal safety. So this is why it's so important to focus on our nervous system and our parts before we even get here. So that's the phase four of the process. Next I want to talk about our thoughts. And the thoughts are really intertwined in this, this whole web of the healing process. What polyvagal theory shows us is that our autonomic state creates our story. Essentially that means wherever you are in your nervous system, the thoughts are going to follow that state. For example, if you're in your sympathetic nervous system, your thoughts are going to be racing about how you have to do something now. If you don't do something now, things aren't going to be okay. And you have to control things and you have to make sure that people aren't mad at, and so on and so forth. Go, go, go, go, go. If you're in your dorsal vagal complex that's shut down. All your thoughts are going to be about how you can't. It's you're not capable, you're not able. This is where regret lives. There's something wrong with you. So it's the exact opposite. If you're in your state of freeze, that's remember two equal and opposite forces. So the thoughts are going to contradict. I have to, but I can't. I have to, but I can't. I need to do this. I can't do it. I need to do it. I can't do it. And when you're in regulation, your thoughts are going to be anchored in the present moment. You might not even notice, don't even have a lot of thoughts. And what happens a lot of time in mindset work or CBT is that we're folk trying to focus on changing our thoughts without getting the to the root cause of why the thoughts are there in the first place. So this is why. If you've ever tried to do that, and it's exhausting, and you tell yourself, like, you're in sympathetic, and your sympathetic thoughts are, I have to get all this done, and I can't slow down. And you try to tell yourself, it's okay, I can relax. But you don't feel it. You say the words, it's okay, I can relax. But all you feel your bot, your nervous system is saying, no, you can't relax. You can't relax at all. If you relax, you're gonna die. It's not that helpful, right? Or if you're feeling you're endorsal and the thoughts are like, it's never gonna change. And you tell yourself, I have so much to be grateful for in this life. You won't be able to feel that because of the autonomic state. So in order to change our thinking, we actually have to change the state we're in, which is why regulation of our nervous system is so imperative and important. And also I want to name our parts will have different thoughts, meaning the thoughts that those parts had at their numeric age will show up when those parts are present. So in order to change our thinking, we have to gain regulation of our nervous system. And then this last phase that I think about in terms of the healing process is purpose and manifestation. I see so much of the time manifestation work, that is, that makes people feel shame, like something is wrong with them, for a multitude of reasons. First, I want to say this about it, that more often than not, and actually I've never seen this not be the case, wherein lies our greatest purpose, lies our greatest healing. And what I mean by that is this more often than not the things that you're desiring most. The souls, desires that you have are things that were either dangerous or inhibited in the past, flavorings of them. And I think it's the, that's the way the universe and our soul is saying, I'm going to get free of that and I'm going to actually have the aliveness I never had. So let's say you want to step towards being a writer. What is that going to require of you? It's going to require vulnerability, using your voice, taking up space, making mistakes, getting messy and a lot of other things, things. And if those things, those things taking up space, using your voice, being messy, making mistakes, etc wasn't safe in the past, then as you go to mobilize or step towards the thing that you want, your nervous system is going to say that's not safe. Don't you know that's not safe? Because it wasn't safe in the past. And it stops you in the form of disregulation. Not only your nervous system is going to show up and say that's not safe, but your parts are going to show up and you're going to have a young part that says what are you even doing? When I was 7 and tried and wrote these storybooks that I would write, all my siblings would ridicule me and laugh at me. You want to write and have the world read it? No way. And the nervous system comes in to protect the parts. And so I used to say this like a, say it was like an invisible wall, a wall that's keeping us from the things that we are desiring. And there is no amount of willing your way towards the thing that you want that is going to work. We must go through this process of regulating our neuroscience nervous system and addressing our parts in order to actually get unstuck and step towards the life that we are desiring. So it's sort of like, I think of it like the universe dangles this carrot, this thing that you're really wanting in your life. And the way to that carrot is our healing. The other thing I want to say is we all have the capacity to hold the life that we have today. So whatever life you're living, that's an indicator of the capacity of your nervous system and your parts. So many of us are, are feel like, I think it's, I think it's technology that has made us feel this way. We have so much connection to all people now and that creates a lot of comparison. And so so many of us can feel Like, I should be further along. I'm behind in life. There's other people that are doing more. There's other people that are ahead, because there always are people that maybe are a little further along on their path than we are. But what that does is it can make us feel like, you know, the thing that. That I really want to happen. I wish it would happen right now. But the truth is none of us have the capacity to hold the life that we're going to have in two years or in five years or in 10 years. I sure don't. There was no way five years ago, 10 years ago, that I would be able to do this podcast with you. It would have overwhelmed me or if opportunities came, like writing a book, which I've been working on for a while now, but that would have been too overwhelming for my nervous system and I would find ways to sabotage it or push it away way. And so what we want to look for is taking daily actionable steps towards the things that we are desiring. What can occur so much of the time is we think of the future and the thing that we want, and then we look and then we think, well, I'm not there now. And that creates more dysregulation. Like, I don't even know how to get there. But it's the incremental steps of this process of regulating our nervous system, building our capacity, that actually allows us to then step into the life that's waiting for us, because we've built our capacity, capacity for it. And this is how we manifest. You cannot manifest if your nervous system doesn't think you're safe, because manifesting means allowing things to come towards you. And so the more we regulate, show our system we're safe, the more we're able to actually create the life that we're desiring. And this goes back to attachment, too, because in order for us to attach the, attract rather the type of partners that we are desiring, we have to bring regulation to our nervous system, address those parts, and that imprints a new internal, secure attachment, and then we actually manifest the partner that we want. So this holistic process is what accelerates the healing for each of us fastest. And it's not just that it accelerates it fastest, it's what's necessary to make it happen. And many of us, like myself, approach this from not being in order. And when that occurs, like, we look at purpose first before we address any of these other things, and then we can't step towards our purpose, or we try to set boundaries when we don't have internal safety and we just can't do them. Or we try to have better relationships, but we haven't addressed our parts. And so all of this is like a web. There is, it is an order and roadmap, and at the same time, it's like a web that all comes together to create the holistic healing that we desire. And we do it one tolerable step at a time. That's all we need to know. So if you're interested in any of this work in the show Notes, you'll see some of the programs I offer where we do this. But I really invite you, as you're thinking about, about people to support you on their journey. Remember, you're interviewing them, whoever it is you ask to help you. That's an interview process and you should be discerning because you know that's what a good parent would do. This is actually like a moment of parenting work for yourself that you would discern. And so asking questions like, what are the different trainings that you have? And really looking at, can they really hold me in this holistic way that I need is really vital. And when you have someone on your team that does that for you and walks, walks beside you in this way, it really helps the process to go so much faster. When I finally understood this, everything changed in really profound ways. And it can for you too. Are you feeling stuck or stagnant in your life? I want to show you how to harness the power of your nervous system to take tangible steps towards the life that you're desiring. Join me Inside expansion for three live mornings of science back towards tools starting on October 14th. Link in the description to learn more. All right. Hi, Rach, we have Rachel here today. Rachel, Rach, my sparkly unicorn. I called her lots of things. She is such a special human being. She is a trained social worker. She has been on my team for quite some time. And you'll find Rachel inside of every community that we have, in every program. So she runs runs that will support you throughout the entirety of any program that you take. You'll find her in my DMs, on Instagram. If you send an email, you'll find her. She's really my, my right hand woman. And truly, Rach, you are one of the safest, kindest, most supportive people I've ever met in my life. So thank you for being that for me and for everyone inside of our communities and our containers too. I'm just so grateful for you.
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Rachel
Oh, thank you so much. Actually, people Email in and write in the community. Hey, Rach.
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Sarah
So they.
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Rachel
Do people call me Rach, too? They do, yeah.
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Sarah
Yeah, they're doing that because I. I do that on all our live calls. Or do you think maybe I never asked you if you're okay with my. My shortening of your name Rach?
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Rachel
Oh, I love it.
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Sarah
Like, on your birth certificate, it definitely doesn't say Rach. Okay, good.
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Rachel
We.
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Sarah
I'm glad we're talking about it in this episode, that we're publicly talking about it and that you feel okay with it. That feels really good.
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Rachel
Yeah.
- [31:47]
Sarah
So every episode, we have this Q and A portion. And the reason that I do this is because we really want to see how this work integrates into our lives specific to us. And. And not only that, but the human experience is so much more similar than it is different. Rachel and I have the luxury of working with thousands of people, so we get to see on a daily basis the commonality and the themes. But for most of us, we don't get that in our everyday life, so we can feel really isolated or we're like the. We're the only ones. And so whether you submit questions for this podcast or not, you think you're going to find that every question that's asked is. It's probably something that you relate to or some flavoring of it that you relate to. I know. That's so true for me. I don't know. Do you feel that way, Rachel?
- [32:30]
Rachel
Yeah, definitely. Definitely. So true. And the questions we've got today are so resonant and so pertinent, and I'm excited to hear what you're gonna say about them.
- [32:39]
Sarah
Thank you. Well, I'm excited to hear what we're gonna say about them. I wanna say for everyone listening that you can also submit questions. So you'll see that in the link in the show notes. You can send us an email to mediarabaldwincoaching.com or you can send us a DM on Instagram. We've got some links in there to submit questions, whether that's a video, a written question, a. What else can they do a audio question? Someone on my team just let me know what that. What the one I was missing. Maybe a carrier pigeon, Maybe a horse and wagon can bring it to my house. I don't know. You can do whatever you want to do to give us a question. And we. Rachel reads over all of them. My team did, and we. We compile the ones we think would be most supportive. So, Rach, can you give Us, the first one today.
- [33:27]
Rachel
So this one is about parts, our younger parts and inner children. When I'm sitting with parts so often I feel like it's rejecting my presence or comfort. It's like a baby crying and nothing a parent does helps. It's a very helpless feeling. How can one approach this?
- [33:46]
Sarah
So parts work is a, an incredibly important part of the healing process. Now, if that's new to anybody here, I don't mean parts of a puzzle, although I guess they kind of are parts of a puzzle. What I mean is parts are versions of ourselves. So internal family systems, parts work, inner child work is essentially all the same thing. In later episodes we're going to get specifically into parts. This episode we talked a little bit about it, but I just want to give a quick recap. So when we're born, we come into this world as a whole self. And as Peter Levine says, none of us go through life unscathed by trauma. None of us. Now, there's varying degrees to the traumas we experience. Essentially trauma is anything that overwhelms our system's capacity to process what is happening. And if we don't have the conditions necessary after that trauma happens for that trauma to process through which is safety and something called a mutually empathic witness, a safe other. It becomes stuck and stored and locked in time. So what happens is throughout our lives we have these experiences. And let's say at age, I don't know, seven, you were in school and you were bullied a lot and when you went home, your parents said you're fine, suck it up. So that means I didn't have safety after, after the event, meaning they couldn't, they didn't help me process the overwhelm. So that 7 year old gets fragmented off of us. So if you imagine me as a whole being, it's this part, this seven year old part that gets pushed out. But I think of it like they're, they're connected to my, me through a rope.
- [35:17]
Rachel
Rope.
- [35:17]
Sarah
So there's still a part of me, but they get locked in time and stuck in that seven year old experience of being people, not being safe and being bullied. And then let's say later in life I have, I'm coming into puberty and I decide it's time to date and I, and I date somebody and they consistently make me feel like I'm not enough. Maybe they say things like why do you wear your hair like that? Or why are you doing that? And, and just constantly being critical of me. And I feel like I can't use my voice. So then that part at 16 gets fragmented off and she is stuck in that experience of inadequacy. I'm not enough. I'm not enough. I'm not enough. So we now I have these two parts, but we have of course many more than two. And what occurs is when I'm in regulation or I am, you know, my. Or I'm feeling safe, present and here I am in this year, which Right now is 2024. I wonder if someone will be listening to this in 2044. That would be super cool. Hi. If you are. Are cars flying? Maybe they are. Anyway, so what occurs is, is that when I'm in regulation I'm my adult self. I'm my numeric age that I am right now via neuroception, which we've already learned about. That's your threat detector. When it perceives danger, when we're actually safe, it's superimposing the past on the present present. So what occurs is it's essentially like I've time traveled. So let's say I'm in my adult life and I'm in a situation where I am going to an event where everybody knows each other but me. I don't know anybody. And let's say the people at this, this event I'm at, they're not really, they're not going out of their way to make me feel comfortable, let's say, or like to invite me into their conversations. Now my threat detector is going to say what does this remind me of? And it might look to that experience of being sick. 7 When I was bullied and othered in school habitually. And so what occurs is my nervous system says this must be just like when you were seven. And in that moment my seven year old self inhabits my body. It's literally like I've traveled time to that 7 year old's experience and now she's experiencing everything she felt back then and then. And so I feel small, scared, out of control, inadequate, unsafe, I'm shrinking and all of that. Now later when I come into safety, that young part goes away, they go back to where they were and adult me comes back. And this is why oftentimes we might notice that like sometimes I feel like I have multiple realities. Like sometimes I feel really anchored and like adult me and safe and able. And then other times I feel freaked out, out of control, scared, small and so on and so forth. That's all an indicator that I have different parts present. Now for most of us, our parts don't know each other, meaning they haven't met yet. So they just oscillate in my experience. Like I go from being adult me to 7 year old me to 16 year old me. But the young parts never meet adult me. So parts work. What this essentially is is supporting adult me to begin re parenting or coming to the aid of the younger parts in real time. Healing work is so cool. It's like a, you know, it's like quantum physics. It's, it's like the most incredible time travel experience that, that you could ever have. We can actually do it. And we do it when we're doing somatic healing work, meaning we're traveling back to that young part which is called being in state dependent memory. So I'm letting that part be present in my body and I'm getting my adult self present at the same time time so that both of them are present in my body. And then we do something that I call internal co regulation. So I then come to the aid of that younger part and comfort them the way that they were never comforted or I support them or I show them the love and kindness and acceptance that they never got. When you do this, you actually imprint new childhood experiences. It literally changes the past, which then changes your present. And those parts are no longer stuck in the those experiences that trigger them. Instead they're integrated with us now. So it's a little recap on what parts work is not a recap introduction. Now just quickly, what I want to say to this person because they've clearly already done some parts work, is that your parts are real. I want everyone to know that it's not just some made up fictional thing. They're actually real. And so I want you to think about it. Imagine that this beautiful, amazing, perfect foster child was dropped on your doorstep. You open the door and there they are. And you look at their case file and it happens to be the same as your childhood. Because this is you, this little foster child and they come into your home and they actually have not had safety or attunement or connection, proper connection with an adult before. And they had your life lived experience. So you know when they first come into your home, they're not just gonna immediately run over to you and say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here, please support me and help me and I'm gonna be vulnerable with you and show you every part of my experience. They're not gonna do that. They're going to be self protected because they had to be in the Past in some way. So I think about it this way, you know, like when we start doing parts work, it's kind of like if we were that foster parent and we read the case history, we would be so eager, right? I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna give them the different childhood. We're gonna bake cookies every day. We're gonna sing and play in the house. I'm gon. I will be 45 minutes early for school pickup. They'll probably be balloons in the car. It's just gonna be the most fabulous thing. They're gonna feel so loved by me. And that kid would get so overwhelmed, right? They would be like, ah, this is too much. I'm not used to this kind of exposure. And so they'd come home from school and I would be just like, so ready to engage them and show them that they're just the most important thing to me. And they would probably look at me like I'm an alien. And they'd walk to their room and say, I think I'm just going to go by myself for a little while. And I would know that, oh, yeah, of course, this is too much for them. And it might be a week or two that they go to the room every day and I walk by in the hall and say, hey, how you doing? And they don't say anything. But the more I do that, the more I'm earning their trust. And in earning their trust, eventually what would happen is they would say, oh, hey, yeah, it was a pretty good day, right? Because they deeply want to be connected, but it wasn't safe in the past. So their system is saying, don't ever be that exposed again or desire connection because it wasn't safe. So essentially what I'm trying to get at here is we have to earn their trust. We'd have to. And that wouldn't seem strange, right? Like that. That would make a lot of sense. And with our parts, it's the same thing. At first, when we're doing parts work, the parts are gonna. When we meet our parts, we'll do some of this work. In a later episode, those parts of us sometimes look at us and they're like, I don't even know who you are. I don't trust you. I definitely don't wanna hold your hand. And I'll just be in the corner of the room listening, but I' to talk to you because I don't trust that you're going to be able to hear me or listen. And so it's Extremely common when we start parts work or inner child work, that we might have parts that feel angry that are like, I don't trust you. A lot of times our parts don't even know how old we are. They think we're 13 years old. And so it's a relationship building process. It's our job as our adult self to show up again and again and again. And the more we do that, the more the parts feel safe. Did you have any parts, Rach, that didn't trust you at first?
- [42:37]
Rachel
First, yeah. And I had really angry parts that were furious. Really, really angry. And, and I hear in the community about people who are, you know, building that connection and, and taking the time to check in every day in a, you know, in a caring but not too much and not standoffish way, just in a kind, caring way. And, and, and seeing what happens when people are consistent with that and, and seeing how that's happened for me, then it becomes much easier. And then it's like you become a team with your partner parts. And when you can, you know, recognize that you're activated and there's a part, then, yeah, you, you have a deep relationship with them. So. Yeah, and I love the phrase that I hear you use often about reparenting. We're reparenting our, our younger parts and giving them what we didn't get as children or, you know, the space and the holding and the love. So, yeah, it's really beautiful. And, and I hope that really helps the person who asked that question too, because it can feel baffling when you first connect with your parts and they're not interested and it doesn't help. It can feel really hard then.
- [43:44]
Sarah
Yeah, it's so true. And I love that you named the parts can feel really angry. And anger is not a bad emotion. We're just taught that when we're young that we shouldn't be angry. So many of our caregivers did that. Anger is really healthy. It's the same as, just as healthy as joy. And it is a clue that we have unmet needs and also that anger needs to be expressed. And so when our parts weren't able to do that when we were young, when they finally feel safe with us, it can feel strange. We're like, why are they so pissed off? And that's because they have enough safety now to get angry and they weren't able to get angry before. So that's actually a thing to celebrate. So I appreciate you naming that.
- [44:23]
Rachel
Oh, well, that's so good to hear again. And Again, when we've had anger, anger made bad and wrong and taught to just be, you know, look happy all the time, whether you are or not.
- [44:34]
Sarah
So, yeah, thank you for sharing that, Rach.
- [44:37]
Rachel
Oh, well, thank you for that. Sarah. I've got another question for you.
- [44:40]
Sarah
Yes, please.
- [44:41]
Rachel
Okay, so could you please explain about secondary trauma? How does it happen, what effects does it have, and how can we heal from it? Most of the info out there is about how nurses or police officers or others in similar professors professions experience secondary trauma, but I wonder what it can look like for ordinary people outside these kinds of professions too. I think maybe it's what has happened.
- [45:07]
Sarah
To me that's such a great question. Well, here's the thing about us humans. We have something called mirror neurons. Actually, all mammals have them. And mirror neurons essentially means that our nervous system, because we are social creatures, that is the aliens watching us as they look down, they look at us and say, oh, look at these animals. They belong together. Why are some of these animals isolated? They don't do so well when they're not together. I'm noticing that. Don't they understand we have mirror neurons? And we're social creatures, which means we're supposed to be in connection. Mirror neurons are what allows us to deeply connect. So essentially that means. And when I say connect in terms of mirror neurons, that's connecting on an autonomic level, meaning nervous systems are connecting to other nervous systems. We are constantly doing that. We can even do that with plants. By the way, plants don't have an autonomic nervous system, but they are alive and have energy. And, you know, there's studies on what happens if you have one plant in your house versus no plants, actually studies on them. This is a side note, but the gut microbiome and the difference in the health of a gut microbiome in someone who has one plant in their house versus none. So. So we're connecting to. Which is profoundly different. Much healthier when you have a plant. Even when we communicate to our plants, they'll throw. Thrive better. So in terms of us humans, we connect on a nervous system level. So regulated nervous systems affect regulated nervous systems. It's why I often say when people are like, I'm not doing enough in the world and, you know, maybe I should give up my whole life and join the Peace Corps. Maybe you should. And. Or maybe we should. The. We should focus on our own healing because it's actually the most generous thing we can do for the world. When we have a regulated nervous system, we literally light up the world and bring more medicine to the world as we go. Go navigate through it, because your nervous system is going to properly, not properly, but affect positive change in another person. It's why when you walk down the street and someone's super kind, they're just like lit up so excited. I actually have somebody that delivers, the postal service person that delivers my mail. He is so, in his purpose, it's so evident because he, like skips down the street, literally is like dancing everywhere he goes. And anytime I see him, I just feel overjoyed, enjoyed just, just by seeing this man. Because he is so regulated. He regulates me. That's how mirror neurons work. Now they can also work in the. In the opposite. Meaning when someone is dysregulated or overwhelmed, that can actually affect our nervous system and we can become dysregulated. And so that means includes their experiences and the traumas that they have. So let's say a veterinarian who is constantly in situations where they are having to help animals transition, meaning put the animal down. That is a lot on a person's nervous system, especially if they have high levels of empathy. And so what can often happen is that they develop secondary trauma. It's not just an animal that's dying. It will feel like it's their animal because they are in the experience of watching the owner in this intense grief and watching this animal suffering. So the animal suffering becomes their suffering. We take on. We can easily take on that energy. This happens with first responders. This happens with people like me in my field. I, you know, work with lots of people with trauma histories and other fields like that. Those are the common areas where we can think of secondary trauma. I want to also name, though, that secondary trauma happens a lot more to people who aren't in these fields these days because of technology. So because we have such access nowadays to things happening in the world and not just via, you know, a long time ago when me and Rachel were tiny children eating Cream of Wheat at our houses, maybe you weren't doing that, but there was just newspapers, right? So you'd read a newspaper and it would be like one image that you would see. That would still be a lot for a nervous system. But that is very different than now us watching videos of, you know, villages being bombed and children running out of buildings, or watching people starving to death or hearing about terrible crimes happening through video. That is much more intense for our systems. And if we aren't tending to our parts and our nervous system hygiene, then what's going to happen? Is we're going to take that on. And something that really is important in this area is a couple things, but one is setting somatic boundaries. And boundaries are not verbal, or I suppose a component of boundaries are verbal, meaning you're stating what you need. But at the core, boundaries are somatic in nature. They happen in our bodies. And so it's very important that we have energetic. That's what I mean by that. Boundaries around things that are a lot or overwhelming for our nervous system. And so a couple things that I invite folks to do. This is, this is something that I consistently practice in my own life and need to because of the nature of the work that we do so that I'm not taking on everything that I'm hearing and experiencing. I also do consultation for some therapists. Therapists, meaning they come to me for supervision and around somatic work. So I'm hearing some pretty intense stories. And what's really important is that I am able to disconnect from that. So simple practices after you've experienced something that's overwhelming, you saw a video or like me, you're in a field where you know there's a, there's a lot of trauma or activation around it, or even, you know, you're with your kids, anything that's overwhelming your system is to begin separating from that energy. Energy. Simple way you can do that is this is what I do most days after work. I sit down in my office because I work from home. And I close my eyes, I connect to my nervous system. And then I ask my nervous system, not me, where is the energy of others in my space right now? And your nervous system will tell you, by the way, if you get out of your head and get into your body, your nervous system will tell you. And this isn't just some strange woo woo thing. Although I am very spiritual, this is also some science. It's energy. And so I ask myself, where is the energy in my room and what color is it? The reason why I use, I ask what color is it is because it's very important that we differentiate from the energy, meaning I am not it. And so for human beings, for our brains and our bodies, when we can see even just a color, immediately my system says, oh, then that's not me. So I was going to say, does that make sense? But they can't hear me, Rach, does that make sense to you? What I'm saying?
- [51:57]
Rachel
Saying, yeah, it does make sense.
- [51:59]
Sarah
If I'm ever talking, you're like, Sarah, this answer is just not landing or making Sense, just answer, I mean, we're close enough now, you can do that. So I ask myself, what color is it? That'll also give me an indicator about how intense it is. And I'll ask myself, does it have movement, shape or is it an object? So let's say I notice that it's like a dark brown. That would tell me, oh, there's some heavy energy that I've been working with today. I'll ask myself, where is, is it? Now this will tell me how much it's engulfed me or not. So some days it might be, oh, it's in the corner of my office, which means it's not very engulfing. Other days it will feel like it's permeating my skin. That tells me, wow, I'm really taking this on. And then a simple thing that we can do is I'm not going to go through the whole exercise right now, maybe we'll do it in a later episode. But is to set an embodied somatic boundary. So this, this, what I'm about to do comes from Peter Levine's work, a mentor of mine. And it's moving the energy away from us through our physicality. So what I like to do is I put my hands close to my body and I feel the energy in my hands and really feel it. It might feel heavy, it might feel dense, it might feel prickly. And in the experience, we're letting our system know that we get to win and we get to move the energy away from, from us. Now a way that we can do this is by using vibration and sound. And so, and think. We're thinking of our hands almost like they're a snowplow. They're moving the, the energy away. So Peter Levine often uses the sound vu to regulate, but also to access life force energy. Voo. And that particular vibrational tone not only helps to release the nerve endings that are constricted, which brings us into regulation, but also to access our healthy ability aggression. So when you say that that sound in a low register lower than your speaking voice, it really helps to facilitate that and also to access the life force energy. Life force energy is what allows us to say, no, no, this is not mine, no thank you. And, and, and to feel into that, that self protection and that aliveness with the sound. I will begin moving my hands away from my body with the intention of I'm moving the energy away from me. I'm going to make, actually I said I wasn't going to do it, but I'm just going to make the sound. And if anyone's new to this, you might say, like, I don't know, is Sarah Foghorn? Is she an interesting cow? What is going on? What I want you to know is somatic work is really different than if this is new to anybody. It's so different than cognitive work. It's not just talking about the problem. It's speaking the language of our bodies. And so everything that we're doing here is backed by so science. This is not just some made up thing. So I make this sound in a low register lower than my speaking voice. I'm about to do it, and I slowly move my hands away from my body, moving that, I'm saying brown energy away. It sounds something like this. And I would continue till there's no air left, moving my hands away slowly from my body. What we want to do is let your hands be the ones moving, making the movement, meaning not trying to manipulate what your body is doing. But again, I'm getting the energy away. Then you rest and notice how far is the energy away from me. You might notice, wow. I can now take a breath. There's distance between me and it. Then I'll do that again until it's left my office. I do that virtually every day. When I don't do that, I will name. I do start to get sick. My nervous system gets overwhelmed. I find myself quite anxious and disregulated. And I know that's because I am. I am taking on too much of what is happening, happening. And the last thing I just want to say for any empaths out there, which I am, if you have a spiritual practice, that's really important too. And I think that so many of us, as a survival response, we learn to control. And I know that was true for me. And even in my career, it can leave us in this place of almost like we're playing God. Not that we think we're like, I'm so great, but I need to save everybody. Right? Like that's kind of playing God instead of knowing that, that the universe, whatever you call it, is watching, intending, and supporting every living thing. And we might not understand why things happen, but there is something greater than us supporting them too, which can help us to disconnect from having that energetic tie if that's a supportive thing for folks.
- [56:29]
Rachel
Oh, and that's really beautiful. I was just thinking, what a thorough hole. Answer the. Because you brought in the piece about if you're an empath as well. And I know so many people in our community, we all are super sensitive and we do feel a lot. And it can be overwhelming just being around people without them, people sharing about their trauma or, you know. So actually the tool that you've given is so helpful for daily, everyday life, whether you work in a profession where you're encountering lots of trauma experiences with people or, or, you know, through your own work or if you're going day to day in your life. So yeah, I think what a gift you've just given everyone by sharing that tool. And thanks, Rachel.
- [57:15]
Sarah
Thank you, Rachel. So we have one more. Yes.
- [57:19]
Rachel
Yep. Yeah, we have one more question. Okay. Are there some tools or signs to help distinguish who is genuinely interested in being your friend versus someone who might have an alternate agenda? Whether consciously or unconsciously, I seem to trust the wrong people and I'm worried that I am now also filtering out potential good people if they seem too interested or too nice. These tend to give me pink or red flags when perhaps they should be a sign of safety. I'm worried that they are grooming, learning all about you to use it against you. And this part's in brackets. Or if I don't feel safe with them at this point, maybe it shouldn't matter and I should trust those concerns as valid until I'm further down my healing journey and not overthink it. Thank you so much for any insight you can share.
- [58:10]
Sarah
So a couple things. Our truth is always real and valid to a part of us. It might not be our adult self's truth, but it's a part of our truth, meaning a part of us is experiencing that truth. What I mean by that is this, that if we're finding that, that a really kind person who they're genuinely kind, they're genuinely intrigued by us, they genuinely just want to know us deeply. And a part of us says, you are scary and you might be trying to groom me to manipulate me. That is just a scared part. And from usually when we're using the word grooming, not always, but is often a clue that it's a younger part of ourselves, developmental part, that what perhaps was groo. Grooming essentially means manipulated into eventually doing what another person wants us to do, unbeknownst to us. So abuse. That is just an indicator that that younger part is saying, oh, you remind me of the past and I am scared. That's it. I am afraid and you're reminding me of the past. It doesn't mean that person's actually dangerous, but it means that to that part it is reminding them of a situation that was. And it's again Just an indicator that a part is scared. So a lot of people ask me this. They say, sarah, how do I pick differently? Like a romantic partner. I am so tired of picking these jerks. You know, people say that a lot. I just want to pick somebody great, like my friend who has this amazing partner. I want to pick someone awesome. I keep picking these jerks. Why? How do I change it? How do I pick different? Because they seem really great at first. This is what everyone says. They seem so great. And then they're not. Not great. And I don't know what's happening and why. So the beautiful thing is, everybody, this is not about picking differently. Maybe you're thinking, like, what do you mean by that? Don't I want to pick differently? This is really empowering work that we get to do because the way that we change this is by changing internally what is happening for us. Meaning we need to begin creating what I call an internal secure attachment. Attachment now. So this all goes back to parts work. If we find ourselves drawn to people whom are not meeting our needs, don't really see us, maybe you're unsafe and we find ourselves repulsed. Like, truly. I can tell you that for myself, for most of my life, that those are the people I was drawn to and someone who was attentive and kind and loving and sweet. Like, so sweet to me, I would find them gross. And I know that seems strange. It might not seem strange to some of you who are saying, yes, I understand that. But I would find them repulsive, gross, unattractive. Like, ew, you're pathetic. Why? Well, because my system, remember, this all goes back to our. Everything goes back to our nervous system. The way the threat detector works neuroception is it's looking out into the world to try to find safety. But also it likes what it knows. So if you're looking for connection and love, it looks to your database and says, what information do we have on connection and love? And if connect. The only experience of connection and love that I had, the primary experience was my needs aren't met, I'm groomed, I am manipulated, I don't have, I'm not seen, and all of that, then that's what your threat detector says love is. And that's what your nervous system has capacity for. It doesn't mean that you want that. It means your nervous system knows it. The other facet fascinating thing about our psyche, which I think is so cool, is that it will also put us in similar situations to the past as a way to try to make it different. Meaning if I can just get this person to stay and not abandon me, or if I can just get that person to be nice, maybe it will rescue me from the past. It'll make the past different. So those are the two reasons why we'll find ourselves in these patterns of repeating the past. And that's going to feel really comfortable for ourselves system. It's also why when someone is doing all the things to meet our needs, our system is going to say I don't know that. And it's overwhelming because it's new and different. And so the way that we actually change this is by beginning to give ourselves the things we never got. So we have to give ourselves the loving kindness, the compassion, the connection. This is all parts work. The attunement, the consistency, the listening, all of that to ourselves. And then we begin to tolerably take steps towards that with other people. Meaning we begin to, to allow someone to see us more deeply. We allow someone to meet our need, we share a little bit more. All of that changes what's in the data, the database. The result of changing the database is when you go look for love. Your database is now going to say love is connection, attunement, safety, all of those things. And those are going to be the people you naturally draw into your life. Those are going to be the people that you are attracted to. And that's the process that we want to, we want to take. And, and again, I can say as somebody who I. Every single person I dated from 12 until 25 was selfish at the least. A narcissist. And I don't say the word narcissist lightly. Narcissist at the most, who had all the needs. I was invisible. They didn't treat me well. And they usually had significant others I didn't know about and they left me because that matched my childhood. And I. They seem really nice at first. And it was when I actually did all of this internal work that no longer when I was around someone like that, I would, they would be the people that repulsed me. I didn't want to be around them. No thank you. And I was now attracted to people who were generous and kind and consistent because that's what I gave myself.
- [63:51]
Rachel
Oh, and that really reminds me of kind of the whole manifestation and attract the people. Often, you know, we're told, you know, you can manifest anything and attract what you want, but not given the tools or the know how to actually do that from the inside in our bodies. So that that kind of then ends up magically happening. Even though you've done a lot of the reparenting and parts work to create that, often it's done through a very cognitive way of purely affirmations or trying to will it to happen. So actually what you're sharing is a very deep embodied process that then. Yeah, you just naturally drawn to different people.
- [64:34]
Sarah
I love that you name that about manifesting work because, oh, it's so annoying to me. It's not very eloquent way of saying that, but that people are just told, say mantras, make a vision board. Externalize the thing you want. Well, if you just. If you don't properly bake the cake and you just put frosting on it, it's not going to go. The cake isn't going to go very well or be very good. What we have to focus on is what's occurring internally. And when we do that, your internal world always matches your external world because we know that via polyvagal theory that your autonomic state creates perception of self, others in the world around you. You are literally creating a reality by what you're creating inside. And when we do this, it changes the whole external. We do cool, cool work, don't we, Rachel? Yeah.
- [65:23]
Rachel
I was just thinking, oh, my goodness. That's like. They're like the keys to the kingdom and the queendom, what you're sharing there, you know, they're like the. That's what's going to unlock everything. So.
- [65:33]
Sarah
Yeah, exactly.
- [65:34]
Rachel
Yeah. Amazing. Thank you, Sarah.
- [65:36]
Sarah
Thanks, Rach, for being here on this episode and every other.