MEETING HIS BABY FOR THE FIRST TIME! -You Should Know Podcast-

Summary

You Should Know Podcast – Episode 138: "MEETING HIS BABY FOR THE FIRST TIME!"

Release Date: November 11, 2024
Hosts: Peyton Hardin and Cameron Kennedy (Wood Elf Media)

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Episode Overview

In Episode 138 of the You Should Know Podcast, hosts Peyton Hardin and Cameron Kennedy delve into the exhilarating yet nerve-wracking experience of preparing to welcome a new member into their lives. Amidst their trademark playful banter and candid conversations, Peyton shares the heartfelt moment of meeting his baby for the first time through a sonogram, sparking a range of emotions and reflections on parenthood.

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Preparing for Parenthood

The episode kicks off with Peyton and Cameron discussing their impending fatherhood, humorously navigating the challenges and anticipations that come with expecting a child.

Notable Quote:

• Peyton ([14:10]): "You're about to have a baby a couple months away from having. Okay, round of applause for that little rat coming to the world."

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Experiencing the First Sonogram

A significant portion of the episode centers around Peyton’s experience during the sonogram appointment. He describes the surreal feeling of seeing his baby’s profile for the first time and the mixed emotions that ensued.

Notable Quotes:

• Peyton ([80:28]): "I'm going to love him bad. You know that? Live. I'm a love him."
• Cameron ([80:43]): "Dude, he's a creep. That is not a good baby."

Peyton showcases the sonogram image, eliciting both laughter and mock horror from Cameron. They playfully critique the baby’s appearance, with Cameron likening the sonogram to someone from a horror movie.

Notable Quote:

• Cameron ([81:02]): "You’re bringing up the fart spray."

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Reflections on Childhood and Parenting

The hosts transition into sharing personal childhood memories, highlighting how their upbringing shapes their approach to parenting. They reminisce about school experiences, discipline methods, and the dynamics between parents and children.

Notable Quotes:

• Peyton ([25:46]): "More than likely, one of my biggest."
• Cameron ([26:31]): "One of my biggest fears as a kid was Beyond Scared Straight."

These anecdotes reveal their vulnerabilities and aspirations to create a nurturing environment for their future child, contrasting their own experiences with what they hope to provide.

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Humorous Banter and Personal Stories

True to their style, Peyton and Cameron engage in lighthearted teasing and humorous discussions throughout the episode. Topics range from mundane daily activities to exaggerated scenarios that showcase their chemistry and friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Cameron ([05:04]): "What do I do? That's not manifold."
• Peyton ([25:03]): "You have to tell me off camera or at Least you have to get."

Their playful arguments about words like "curmudgeons" and "kattywampus" add a comedic layer, keeping the conversation lively and entertaining.

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Challenges and Coping Mechanisms

The conversation shifts to practical aspects of impending parenthood, such as feeding schedules and the physical demands of caring for a newborn. Peyton humorously explores the notion of having conversations with his unborn child, while Cameron expresses skepticism about the effectiveness of such interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Peyton ([16:28]): "I literally sit there. I didn't know what to say because I'm just looking at skin."
• Cameron ([16:00]): "I think that's bullshit."

They also discuss the challenges of sleep deprivation and the rigorous feeding routines that come with having a baby, balancing seriousness with their comedic approach.

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Navigating Relationships and Social Dynamics

The hosts delve into their personal relationships, sharing stories about past interactions with friends and romantic interests. These segments highlight their fears, insecurities, and the complexities of maintaining friendships amidst life changes.

Notable Quotes:

• Cameron ([87:05]): "I was watching her cook this ground beef, and I said, you're doing something to me."
• Peyton ([84:19]): "Who's Mo Ding?"

These narratives offer a glimpse into their personal lives, fostering a deeper connection with their audience through relatable experiences.

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Final Thoughts and Reflections

As the episode draws to a close, Peyton and Cameron reflect on the journey ahead as they prepare to become parents. They emphasize the importance of support systems, self-care, and maintaining their bond amidst the upcoming changes.

Notable Quote:

• Peyton ([92:24]): "We absolutely love y'all. As P said in the intro, make sure to go over to the Facebook, the Patreon, the Twitch, the Discord Instagram, TikTok, all of it."

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Conclusion

Episode 138 of the You Should Know Podcast masterfully balances heartfelt discussions about parenthood with the hosts' signature humor and candidness. Peyton and Cameron provide listeners with an authentic look into their lives, offering both entertainment and genuine insights as they embark on the significant journey of raising a child.

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Highlighted Quotes with Timestamps:

• Peyton ([14:10]): "You're about to have a baby a couple months away from having. Okay, round of applause for that little rat coming to the world."
• Cameron ([80:43]): "Dude, he's a creep. That is not a good baby."
• Peyton ([16:28]): "I literally sit there. I didn't know what to say because I'm just looking at skin."
• Cameron ([87:05]): "I was watching her cook this ground beef, and I said, you're doing something to me."
• Peyton ([25:46]): "More than likely, one of my biggest."
• Cameron ([87:30]): "My mom is a sick bastard."

These quotes encapsulate the blend of humor and seriousness that defines the episode, providing listeners with memorable moments that highlight the hosts' personalities and the central theme of welcoming a new baby into their lives.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

See for [e-mail].

[C]

The you should know Podcast hey everybody. Welcome back to you Should Know podcast episode 138. Round of applause please.

[A]

Stop it everybody.

[C]

Welcome back to podcast episode 138. If you're new here or if you haven't already, you look below, you see a subscribe button isn't pressed. You're wrong if you even more below than the comment section if fulfilled with your name. Guess what? Even more wrong. Go and fill that out. Get your good karma. We have an announcement on Black Friday. We have the best merge drop that we are ever or have ever dropped have ever dropped. The best merch after we have ever dropped is coming out on Black Friday Friday. Round of applause for that. As you saw last week we released the RDC World episode. A lot of y'all loved it. It was fantastic. It was one of the best collabs we've ever done because just literally a bunch of friends hanging out and there was a lot of bleeps in there because we forgot the cameras were on. So in a couple weeks on Patreon we will be releasing the uncensored version of the RDC world Episod that if you want to join the Koala Club, the link to that is at the top of the description patreon.com you should know podcast. Be sure to join us on the Discord. Shout out to Piranha. Shout out to Jalissa. Shout out to everybody in the Discord in the Watch party. Shout out to the Facebook fam. Shout out to the Twitch fam. We love y'all. We love y'all so much. Now on to the rest of the episode. The you should know podcast. We got co host Cam back in the studio. Oh.

[A]

Oh, I didn't. Dude, no, that was.

[C]

Anytime you wear a shade of blue, it exfoliates your eyes.

[A]

Does it really?

[C]

Yeah. You look like a sweet. You look like Bambi's second niece. Like, sweet and confused.

[A]

A girl. I'm a girl when I wear blue. I'm a female deer.

[C]

You're. You look cute in a onesie. If I were to be honest, like a big old onesie.

[A]

I look sick.

[C]

You are a thick girl carrying a.

[A]

Caboose in a onesie. It'd be wicked. How is. What is up with me being a girl? You just said I'm a girl. Two different things.

[C]

Well, that's fine if you're a girl.

[A]

Am I get. No, it's not.

[C]

Okay, cuz.

[A]

I'm not a girl.

[C]

Okay. I've never seen you. Oh, what you got downstairs? I've never took a wink at it.

[A]

You.

[C]

I've never seen it. I haven't.

[A]

No, I know you haven't seen it, but you seen it.

[C]

No, I haven't.

[A]

You've heard of its destruction.

[C]

Oh, I've heard it. I've heard. I've heard the folklore.

[A]

I've heard the mythical tales down on.

[C]

The old Spanish Trail.

[A]

Old Spanish.

[C]

How was your week, bubba? How you doing? How you feeling? How are we?

[A]

We are fantastic. I woke up a lot of mucus, but outside of that, it's a solid week. It is a solid.

[C]

That's one thing about you, and I need to. There's always something that's made me irritated at you. It's made me hate you. Right. You all right? Yeah. You don't have manners.

[A]

How do I not have manners? Yes, I do.

[C]

You really don't.

[A]

You don't have manners.

[C]

I don't have manners. You don't have manners. I'm the most manic person ever. They call me Peyton Manning.

[A]

No, you. That was good. That was fine. You fly no flag and, you, Honor no creep.

[C]

What do I do? That's not manifold.

[A]

You. Oh, my God. You're like a. You're like a system. Yeah, Like, I look like you. You do manners in social settings, and you. And you do all that, but as soon as we're behind closed doors, you defile me. You make me feel small and wicked. You don't feed me. You don't do any of these things. You don't. You have manners in public, but not behind closed doors. That's the true face of a coward. That's how you are. That's who.

[C]

You don't have manners. You know why?

[A]

If you sneeze, I myself. You don't cover your mouth bodily function.

[C]

You cough, don't cover your mouth bodily. And you spit on people.

[A]

I do not spit on people.

[C]

You spit on people. You do spit on people. Yes, you do.

[A]

Am I a racist? I don't spit on people. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't spin on people. I spit when we are walking outside, and on the off chance here and there, someone might be close to it.

[C]

Yeah, but you don't check your surroundings.

[A]

You'll literally be like, but that's not.

[C]

And then I say 7 out of 10 people are like, cam. Because you're hitting them.

[A]

You're not hitting people with spit.

[C]

You're not checking the downwind.

[A]

There's no downwind. There's no waterfalls of saliva. I'm simp. And the Pierce would be like, whoa. I'm like, oh, sorry, little loser guy. I'm just kidding. I love you, Chris.

[C]

No, like, okay, who's more mannering? Who has more manners? Mirror you.

[A]

You have more fake manners. You have more fake manners.

[C]

How can you call them fake manners if I do them every day?

[A]

Because you only do.

[C]

That's manners.

[A]

You only do them in the public eye. Behind a closed door, you are undoubtedly yourself, which involves being a monster. How a wildebeest of a man.

[C]

If I'm by myself, who do I have to be mannerful for?

[A]

You Facetime me. And the first thing I see is either you're happ. So is that very mannerful, Manning? That's. You're showing me your dust, star, and I'm trying to ask you what channel the Lakers are playing on, and you want to talk about manners? When you answer the phone from my phone call, it's my head. It is me, my face, because it.

[C]

Takes up the whole screen.

[A]

Okay, big head joke, that's fine. I'm either seeing, like, an ant trap of belly hair or I'm seeing your Undercarriage.

[C]

Okay, but that's just friendly banter.

[A]

Who sleep. No, that's not happening. Who sleeps with food in their bed?

[C]

That's not manners. That has nothing to do with manners.

[A]

Who gives a whip when they're bathing themselves?

[C]

You. That's not manners. You're getting manners confused with cleanliness. That's not the same.

[A]

Whose kitchen smells like rotten? Oh, my God. It's yours. It's not mine.

[C]

That's not manners.

[A]

Manners is making your house not manners.

[C]

No, it's not. It's my house. I can do what I want in there. Cam, when's the last time you held the door for anyone?

[A]

That's a bad habit.

[C]

Thank you. That's not manners.

[A]

That's a bad. Okay, well, I say, hey, what's up, buddy? And you go, oh, nothing. How are you, bitch? Where's the manners in that?

[C]

Okay, that's a thing. That is something. I was gonna bring up this episode. Why do you. Why is it just with me you care whenever I call you a bitch?

[A]

Cuz they don't. Or when they do, it's a joke. You're just 24 7, and it hurts.

[C]

It's a loving bitch. When that girl called you a bitch in the club, you liked it.

[A]

That was one time when I was in college. I didn't know any better. That was one time. It's a long time ago. She said, you fine bitch. I said, thanks. Thanks. All right. I said, I guess I did put this shit on, but all right. I said, you like my ball cap? Oh, she scared me. Okay. But later that night, I picked up Olivia drunk off the Whataburger floor.

[C]

Yeah, that was a rough night.

[A]

Very rough night.

[C]

Okay, but you called me about that. You said, peyton, this girl called me a. And it was kind of nice. Okay, you didn't say.

[A]

I did not say it was kind of nice. I said I did know how to react. Am I how to respond?

[C]

Maximizing your cakes?

[A]

No, this isn't a king. No, no. I said I didn't know how to respond. It had never happened. It was like. It was like getting sucker punched. You didn't see it coming.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you didn't see how. You don't know how to defend because you're just knocked out on the ground.

[C]

But you hugged. You didn't punch back.

[A]

I did not hug her. I went. I tipped my hat. All right.

[C]

Does it gently bother you when I call you those names?

[A]

No.

[C]

Because it's a loving thing.

[A]

I know. I know. It's out of love. I'm Just kidding. But sometimes I. Sometimes I feel malice.

[C]

No, no, never malice.

[A]

No, I. Sometimes I feel malicious.

[C]

And no, if I'm ever actually angry, I'm not gonna call you those names. I'm just gonna talk to you stern. Yeah, you're.

[A]

Mmm.

[C]

What?

[A]

You're different when you're angry. You're different.

[C]

I'm angry.

[A]

No, you're scary. You're a scary mad.

[C]

My secret is I'm always.

[A]

Yeah, cuz it's always right there. But then one little tick, it's like. It's like your anger meter is like a little thing, a gasoline. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then things that piss you off are little sparks. And if one pisses you off enough, the whole tube. And then you just hate everyone around you.

[C]

No, but it's not.

[A]

You don't hate everyone around you, but it seeps out.

[C]

No, but when I call you derogatory names, that's out of love. It's the way I grew up. Like, I honestly didn't know my. No, I honestly didn't know my mom's first name until I was like 14 because my dad always call her Heifer. Where the heifer?

[A]

Heifer?

[C]

Yeah, like a cow.

[A]

So you.

[C]

Yeah, like what A heifer. And I'll be like, oh, mom's upstairs. Like, that's what I just like dad.

[A]

Said, where's cow at? You didn't know your mom's first name?

[C]

Well, no. And like this is how we talked in my house. Like we would defile each other out of love. Like we would just say rude things to each other. That's how we express love. But then your little sensitive prancy piss ass came around saying, that's hurting my feelings.

[A]

Because when I grew up, my mom was like, hey, sweet butter plums. She's like, I hope you have a grand day at school, sweetheart. Make sure you take good notes and tell me if I can help you on your homework. And I was like, yuck.

[C]

Homework as a kid. I think. I think it's one of the reasons I dropped out of school.

[A]

Homework was terrifying.

[C]

No, I'm talking about my dad.

[A]

Oh, wait, he had to help you.

[C]

He would make me impress and sit down by each other. And it was on this glass. I remember that goddamn glass table. It sucked. And we'd get these math like little stapled papers, right? And that was our homework.

[A]

Mmm.

[C]

And he knew I wasn't gonna do it. But I could say I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I can't focus at home.

[A]

Yeah. When I'm at Home. Home is fun and entertainment.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

School is school and work.

[C]

Yeah. And, Dad, I smell your ground beef cooking. I want some of that.

[A]

I want that. Give me food.

[C]

I remember he would sit down next to me, and I get my anger from my dad. Like, I'm quick and he's quick, too. And so. And so he would stand over me, right? He just tower over me. And I remember his breasts. Like, I just remember his peak breast with a little stubble hair on. He got the same chest as my dad. And. And I would. I would be trying. And then he would try to tell me how to do it. And he's stupid. As he got kicked out of college. He didn't know.

[A]

He didn't get kicked out because his grades. For other reasons. He was having too much fun.

[C]

And so I would. I would. He would be trying to tell me how to do it, and I couldn't. Like, my brain wouldn't click. And he's like, mother, come on, man.

[A]

I'd be like, how you not get it?

[C]

And he wasn't mad that I was stupid. He was mad that I wasn't understanding him.

[A]

See, mine was completely opposite. I remember in, like, second grade, we were doing very elementary, like, geometry, which just shapes and angles, stuff like that.

[C]

Yeah, right. Rotus.

[A]

I got there you go. That wasn't right. But I'm trying to make you feel like you're part of something.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

So I go and I asked my mom for help. She goes, we didn't learn geometry till the 11th grade. And I said, are you me? I said, 11th grade? You learn geometry later to find out, obviously, you take geometry in high school and it's like, more. But I was like, mom, I'm just asking, like, how big's the circle helped me or not? She's like, I don't know. I was kind of shit out of luck. And I was like, all right. Thanks for nothing, Lisa.

[C]

Yeah. No, my mom tried to get a tutor. Didn't work. I was like, I don't respect her.

[A]

Yeah. My mom tried to give me a tutor. I said, I'm not driving or I'm not getting dropped off at a Cumin Math center and going in there. Oh, like, no.

[C]

You into math centers for your tutoring?

[A]

No. My mom tried to get me to go. First off, math is my favorite subject until I hit 11th grade. So I was like, why am I even tutoring? I enjoy math. I don't need to go here. She's like, your grade can get up a little bit.

[C]

I was like, you have a 98. Let's get a 99. Who are you?

[A]

You're not a big suit. You're not, like, I don't need to impress my grade.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just hate. I never went to tutoring. She wanted me to do it. For some reason, though. She wanted me out of the house, probably.

[C]

I'm sick of this kid. He keeps writing on my boxes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And my mom tried to take me to people's houses. And I just remember, like, I would see their cat running across, and then their son was ugly. And I was like, I can't focus with that thing next to me. Are you kidding me?

[A]

Something more awkward, bro. So my mom. In the early. In the early years of school, like, kindergarten, first, second grade, I would get home before my mom, before my dad, all that. So I'd go to my neighbor's house, and me and her, we'd go in. Her parents would. Her parents would greet us at the door and immediately say, let me see your folder. And when I was young, I'd always finish my work first, talk a lot, get in trouble.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Imagine someone else's parents, like, disciplining you.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

And saying, I can't, like, here's your snack. But you don't get to play the game. You don't get to play with the toys. You have to sit on your couch till your mom gets here. Because I acted up in school. They're not even my parents. And I'm, like, 13ft away from my front door that at the time, I don't have a key to, and the shit was hell.

[C]

Wait, so your parents allowed someone else to discipline you? Okay, no. No, we're different. Because if somebody tried to discipline me, they're getting disciplined. That shit's not happening with my parents. It's not happening.

[A]

Your mom would be like, wait, so what'd you say you gotta do? Click, click. She goes, you want to say it again? What you tell my son to do?

[C]

Okay, speaking of kids, right?

[A]

Oof.

[C]

You're about to have a baby. About to have a baby a couple months away from having. Okay, round of applause for that little rat coming to the world. Hey, that's my job. That is.

[A]

That is. That is.

[C]

I'm going. Your kid's gonna be funny.

[A]

You're gonna be the fun gunkle. Fun?

[C]

I am not the gunkle. That is Markelle Washington. We love Markelle. I love Mar.

[A]

I meant to say Funkle.

[C]

Yeah, Funkle.

[A]

Funkle. I meant to say funkle. And so wrong letters.

[C]

And no, I'm gonna make Your kid, he's gon have tough skin.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's going to. He's got like, I'm not going to bully. Well, kind of like the same way I pick on you. I'll allow it. Trip him a couple times, throw him.

[A]

In the dirt, take his face and go.

[C]

Huh?

[A]

You're going to accept that? He's like, oh, no, I'm not having fun.

[C]

No, not going to do that.

[A]

Steve, Damn it.

[C]

You always go one step too far.

[A]

It's. Don't. Yeah. Don't strike him.

[C]

But I went up and I saw your lovely nursery at your new house, at your compound, your mansion. Oh, my. And I said, wow, this is beautiful. And I never had this. There's sea salt. And like, I was like, what is salt? This. But it was nice. It looked great.

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[C]

But then I was starting to work because I've never past the point of like the action to have a kid. I've never thought about what a kid is. Like babies. I've never thought about it.

[A]

What the hell does that even mean? What, you never thought what a kid is? It's a kid. It's a baby.

[C]

I'm trying to think of. Like, I was thinking about this on the drive up here because I looked over at Liv and she's pregnant. Okay, when they come out, is that their first breath?

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

They are breathing in. In the little sack of goo they're sitting in.

[C]

What are they breathing though?

[A]

Hearts beating. There's oxygen and live.

[C]

So they get a percentage of oxygen.

[A]

Yeah. They get a cut. They get a back door.

[C]

They get 10% of the.

[A]

Liv gets 80. The kids cake and 20. And that's why his heart rate's at 150.

[C]

Oh, my God. They.

[A]

They can. They're. He's currently forming thoughts.

[C]

No, he's not.

[A]

He can hear us talk.

[C]

I think that's bullshit.

[A]

At this stage, at 28 weeks, we were told by the doctor in multiple apps that he can now hear us. So don't say anything that would upse.

[B]

It'll hurt his feelings.

[A]

Oh, my God. Hey, your uncle's kidding. Your uncle's kidding. The other night. The other night I had a 25 minute conversation with my wife. With my wife's belly.

[C]

With your white son.

[A]

No, no. I had a 25 minute conversation with my wife's belly the other night. And they said, I was like, hey, guy. It's our first really kind of breakthrough moment, man. I said, my name's Cameron.

[C]

I was like, that's your first conversation.

[A]

With your Son, swear to God, I literally sit there. I didn't know. I didn't know what to say because I'm just looking at skin.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I know there's a soul. And behind that. And I was just like, hey, I'm.

[C]

Not gonna lie to you. It doesn't work like that.

[A]

It does work. Oh, you have a kid.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, you're a doctor.

[C]

Oh. Tell me about the first conversation you had in Lisa's tummy.

[A]

Oh. Can't remember it, but it was head. My mom played Beethoven on her way back on the interstate. That's why you are exactly the way I am. I was four years old, trying to do music. Other kids were, like, cheering on the cowboys. I was in my room making symphony.

[C]

My mom played bodies. Your mom crazy.

[A]

I love her to death. She is like, the more it like an onion. Every layer we peel back. You got uncles you didn't know. She's obsessed with light bulbs. She likes being barefoot, but only in her backyard. She listens to hardcore heavy metal. She carries brandies and Glocks in the purse.

[C]

And allegedly.

[A]

Allegedly and her own dog took its life. It's like, it is a lot of. A lot of layers, dog. And it just kind of makes me understand where. Where your thought process. Talk about.

[C]

Is that public knowledge?

[A]

Oh, I don't know. I think.

[C]

I don't want to say this story. It is so sad.

[A]

Yeah. It's such a sad story. If it's not mama hard. And I absolutely love and adore you and yourself.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. That dog.

[A]

That was all a joke.

[C]

No, that dog's bad.

[A]

Yeah. Back to baby. So I spoke to him. I was like, daddy works for a.

[C]

Podcast, doesn't know what that is?

[A]

No, I said, it's basically like me and your Uncle Pee, we sit down on a couch and we talk to each other every week. And then your other uncles are there. They do stuff behind the scenes, and mommy shows up. Whole conversation. So then it. Whatever reason for me, I was like, how. How often do babies eat? Because I don't have a kid, right? I have no clue. And I go, why are you laughing?

[C]

I'm just imagining your kid with a lazy eye and a lisp.

[A]

What. What the does that mean? Why would you say that? Why would he have a lazy eye and a lisp?

[C]

That'd be so cute.

[A]

He's gonna be out here. He's like, so? He's like, so? So my daddy said, what? What? He's not. But what if he came out? He's like, I really thank you for is he Donald Daffy Duck?

[C]

Well, you, you have a lazy eye picture from Philly.

[A]

That was a crooked picture from Philly.

[C]

So you have the lazy. He might get it from you. And then the lips are a bunkle.

[A]

Then what does he get from you? Just a bug eyes. Anyway, back to feeding, right?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So I sit there, have a full conversation with living. Like, bro, I keep seeing videos because now my tick tock is getting like dad swarms. Yeah, dad talk. It's like your kid is never gonna sleep. I'm like, yeah, that sucks.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It said babies eat two every two to three hours for the first five months of their life.

[C]

Every two. Oh, he gets that from his dad every two.

[A]

Now that's fair. That's a good one. But I at least sleep at night. Then I wake up starving. But bro, he's gonna wake up in the middle of night. Two, three hours.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then once they hit solids, they eat. They can eat the baby foods and stuff like that.

[C]

You're gonna what?

[A]

Have you ever tried baby food?

[C]

I feel like I have, but I don't remember. Yeah, I have actually. I went to a stint in middle school or high school.

[A]

Was it good or bad?

[C]

Can't remember. I feel my taste buds change. Like I'm like, I peel like a snake on my tongue. Like certain. It's like weekly too. Like certain week. Like I've been really wanting. What's the, what's the fish?

[A]

Salmon.

[C]

I've really wanted salmon recently and I've never had it.

[A]

So you don't remember if you liked it or not?

[C]

No.

[A]

Maybe find out together here today. Got some baby food for you, brother. Let's try it out. Do you want. Do you want organic apple spinach and kale or what about pear, carrots and peas? Cause they both look like a shit stain on the back of my underwear. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Wait, what are the flavors?

[A]

Pick the poison. This is apple spinach, kale, or pear carrot pea.

[C]

Oh, this sounds like some health nut shit. Oh no, this just looks optically horrible.

[A]

It's bad, but we're gonna try it.

[C]

No, I'm not doing that because I've.

[A]

Never tried it either.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, you're gonna get the cooler one. What are you, a barbarian?

[C]

This smells fantastic.

[A]

Does it really?

[C]

I'm. Oh, I might come and babysit more often here.

[A]

There we go.

[C]

We got him.

[A]

We found his. We found his. His. His fishing line.

[C]

Well then, then you're gonna walk in the pants. But where's my kids food at?

[A]

What the. That does not smell Good.

[C]

Let me smell.

[A]

Man, that. Let me smell yours first.

[C]

Good. It smells like Gerber. That smells good.

[A]

That's like a.

[C]

Let me smell that one.

[A]

That one can't smell as good. Yeah, you gave me the ratchet one there. The ranch.

[C]

That smells like my after the gym.

[A]

Yeah, no, literally, it smells like I just did four sets of box squats. There you go. This one smells like.

[C]

All right, let's try it. Here we go.

[A]

Oh, man. And I got a fork, which isn't the.

[C]

We'll try both. We'll try both. Okay. Did you just twist and.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, the consistency is making me gag. I don't like that.

[A]

This isn't good.

[C]

How are you gonna feed this to him? With a fork?

[A]

This isn't good. No, not a fork. That'd be very dangerous. No, no, no. They just didn't have spoons at the front.

[C]

Okay, let's try this baby food real quick. You gonna go same time?

[A]

Let's do same time.

[C]

Okay. My flavor.

[A]

No, you go first.

[C]

My. My flavor is pear carrot pea baby food. What's yours?

[A]

My flavor is organic apple spinach with kale.

[C]

Probably a fork wasn't the best idea.

[A]

No, but they didn't. They didn't have spoons. Go for it.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Let it hit the back of your mouth. Oh. Oh. Oh, no.

[C]

It's dead ass. The consistency of it.

[A]

Okay, I can't let him be by himself here.

[C]

I'm about to throw up, dog.

[A]

Here we go.

[C]

Death. Consistency is nasty. It's like a loogie. You big back bitch. That is awful.

[A]

Consistency horrible.

[C]

It's like. It's like whenever. Well, I got my switch flavors. When I got my wisdom teeth taken out and I was throwing up, it's like. It's like the. Feels like that fork.

[A]

You creep. I don't know where you're.

[C]

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's on me. No, that's not on me. But I can't do the consistency. I can't do that consistency. I can't do that consistency.

[A]

Why would you just shoot it out of your mouth? Well, like a cannon.

[C]

No, it's like. I need drink.

[A]

I got you. I got you.

[C]

You about to give me breast milk?

[A]

No, I got you Diet Coke just for you to slam it down. There you go. I know you like the best.

[C]

Is it my birthday?

[A]

No, it's just a. It's a regular Wednesday. We shouldn't. You know you love it.

[C]

Dude, this is fantastic. Thank you so much.

[A]

Oh, my God. No, no, Your flavor's worse. Oh, My God, how much can you drink without burping?

[C]

Not a lot, but pizza. Good.

[A]

Your eyes were crossed. You're like this. Not a lot, but it's good.

[C]

I've had Diet Coke in a week.

[A]

Oh, why?

[C]

You just gave me the needle.

[A]

Now I'm back and I'm better.

[C]

No. Thank you so much for that.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Maybe I'm not gonna come. Baby. That consistency is. No wonder babies throw up all the time.

[A]

That's.

[C]

That's.

[A]

Honestly, that's bad.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That wasn't fun.

[C]

That looks like my underwear when I had too much Chipotle. Here we go.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so. Okay, there is a weird thing. That was. That was a fantastic thing you did there, Kim. Hey, I'm not going to lie, though. The flavor of those is not bad.

[A]

Not terrible.

[C]

The consistency is. Yeah, I can't do it anymore. I'm starting to get hives. Dog. What's in that? Was there pineapple in there?

[A]

Oh, I don't think so. Wait, no. Did I kill him? Oh, wait, no, no. There's no peas, carrots, peas, water, lemon, pineapple. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Peas, carrots. Why did I say peas twice? Oh, it's pears. Pears, carrots, peas, water, lemon juice concentrate and vitamin C through absorbic acid. No. Okay, so that dude, that burp.

[C]

Yeah. No, I came from. That came.

[A]

That was revolutionary. That. That burp. That burp would have. You would have been, like, promoted. If this was back in the day, way back in time, and you let that out, they would have made you a profit.

[C]

How long do you give kids baby food?

[A]

Oh, that's a hell. That's a mama live. What are we thinking? I don't know.

[C]

I remember I was in elementary school and there's a kid bringing a baby bottle of milk to class.

[A]

Hey, that kid needed. That was a cry for help. That kid needed attention. Wait, middle school?

[C]

Elementary school. Oh, elementary school.

[A]

I thought you said he was in seventh grade.

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

He was in world geography, learning about Russia, sipping out of a baby bottle. I was about to say, no, he needs help.

[C]

Okay, I'm thinking of a childhood now. I'm thinking about being a kid. One of my biggest fears as a kid, and this might be an irrational fear, and I'm about to expose a lot about myself. Like, I'm about to deep dive into some, like, things that I'm a little scared to talk about. And it might have change how I am as a man today.

[A]

More than likely, one of my biggest.

[C]

Fears as a kid was Beyond Scared Straight. There was a stint in, like, middle school, elementary school. Like, in elementary school, going into middle school, right? I was getting in trouble a lot. Like, I was fighting. Like, I was like, I got in trouble for cussing a lot. Like, I was just kind of being, like, bold. And then my. And then my mom. That's at the time when me and my mom were butting heads in the household. Like, we were, like, fighting every day. And one of her things was, you keep with me. I'm gonna send you to Beyond Scared Straight. Because we used to watch that She's a dog. And I remember I was like, it's not that bad. Like, I'm. I'm harder than these kids. I wasn't, like, not in the slightest. Like, I idolized Bieber and Jeff Hardy. Like, I would not have survived.

[A]

But you had literal posters of a shirtless Zac Efron in your room talking about what was good. Like, no.

[C]

And so I remember I watched Beyond Scared Straight the day she said that. And it was the episode where the kid put the Kool Aid packet on his lips.

[A]

Legendary.

[C]

And he said, I'm gonna get you a kiss or whatever. He said, you're so sweet. I'm a kiss you? Yeah. And so I remember, I was like, well, if I'm gonna go to Beyond Scared Straight, I need to prepare. And so I remember I took a Kool Aid pack because we had those in the house. You didn't. I took a Kool Aid pack. I went upstairs into my personal bathroom, locked the door for some reason. Never mind. I'm not gonna say that. I. I wet my lips a little bit so it could stick, and I put it on, and I was looking in the mirror, and I was like.

[A]

You did not do that.

[C]

Swear to God. I tried a lot from that show, but I can't say everything because they went to that special section in the jail.

[A]

Wait, what?

[C]

You know. You know that sometimes they would take them to that different section of the Joe. They had to get the protective custody. You should have seen what I did after I watched that episode.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

I raided my mom's closet. Was it too much? Too much?

[A]

Back to the Kool Aid, you freak.

[C]

Yeah, you.

[A]

You self Kool Aid your own lips for jail style lipstick so you can be ready to piss a perpetrator. Are you kidding me? Are you absolutely kidding me?

[C]

Your mom didn't threaten Beyond Scared Straight on you.

[A]

This is how I knew I need my ass whooped. But I was like, dude, if I went on that show, I literally wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't do what they told me to because they can't put their hands on me. A lawsuit waiting to happen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The best thing for me.

[C]

And I remember my mom told me to pack my stuff. She said, there, like, a couple weeks later, I got in a fight with her again. And I was getting in trouble in school, and my mom said, you going? They're on their way. And I said, oh, shit. And I remember she gave me this koolaid.

[A]

You said, austin, they come in, you put the koolaid in?

[C]

No, she said, you gotta pack up your stuff. And she gave me like this box and I was literally packing my room and I didn't know what to pack. I brought like a binder and like a CD player.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And I remember I sat on my curb and I was like, the bus is coming. And I was boohooing. Damn, they never came.

[A]

She got to you.

[C]

Yeah. No, I. She was a good mom, but she still is a good mom. She's here.

[A]

Yeah, she was a good mom.

[C]

You should know. Podcast this episode is brought to you by our friends at BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude. And sometimes it's hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, it isn't easy. So here's a reminder to send some thanks to people in your life, including yourself. One way you can exercise showing yourself gratitude is going to therapy. It's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. It isn't just for those who've experienced major traumas in their life. And I know it's a big myth misconception in the therapy world.

[A]

Sure is, brother. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time with no additional costs.

[C]

Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com YSK to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com YSK now on to the rest of this episode, the you should know podcast. Do you ever think about living in somebody else's body? Dead ass. Just thought about that.

[A]

What does that mean?

[C]

Like how they walk?

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay, just quick question.

[A]

How they walk? I do think about, like, how you say something, and honestly, I think you're rubbing off on me. But, like, wrong traits, like, not. Not physically rubbing. We do that on the weekends. But I'm saying, like, you're rubbing off on me for me, thinking you would say outside the box, welcome to being a new. A new you. I say I don't want to think that. And I never have until I've met you. And you keep speaking around me.

[C]

I think I. Listening to you just speak, it felt like you're speaking a different language. You literally, like, you're speaking, like, Japanese to me. Like, it didn't. Is that it? Is that a language?

[A]

Japanese is okay language.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's right from people. Japan.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Why are we caught? Why is ink. Well, I guess. Yeah. Never mind.

[C]

Hmm.

[A]

But, like, the English. There's two different Englishes.

[C]

Is there Old English and new English. Yeah, like King James Version.

[A]

Not necessarily. But what's other English? Like Britain English. Like, they say things completely different.

[C]

Slang.

[A]

No, that's English.

[C]

That's slang.

[A]

That's a.

[C]

We all speak English. They just don't have different words.

[A]

Where does English come from?

[C]

England.

[A]

Britain.

[C]

England.

[A]

England.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Where do you live?

[C]

America.

[A]

Dallas.

[C]

Texas.

[A]

Yeah. That's not the same English.

[C]

Yes, it is.

[A]

I understand it's English. But they say things different.

[C]

That's what slang is, dude.

[A]

Son of a bitch. Slang is, like, cool things you say.

[C]

Wait, so they have. They have words that don't exist over here?

[A]

Yeah, they had. They claim they call things completely different.

[C]

Other than a cigarette.

[A]

Yeah. Cancer. Can't. What do.

[C]

You shouldn't say that.

[A]

Cannot.

[C]

They need to change that one.

[A]

Change that immediately.

[C]

That's slang.

[A]

You need to amend it. I don't think you're.

[C]

Because it's still a cigarette. They just call it something. That's slang.

[A]

Okay. They call fries chips, and we call them Fries Lane. So who's right?

[C]

It doesn't matter. Right or wrong.

[A]

Think they're right. Then who's the real right one?

[C]

Everybody's right under God.

[A]

That's. That needs to be discussed.

[C]

But also speak English. They're just speaking a.

[A]

So everyone speaks.

[C]

Yeah. They don't say, damn, it's lit. They say.

[A]

Have you ever thought about that?

[C]

Good time.

[A]

Good time. It was a great time to tube.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, but. Okay.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Regardless of English, I experienced the worst mall in all of America this past week.

[C]

Worse than Willow Bend.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

No offense to Willow Bend. That's the worst mall in Dallas.

[A]

Willow Bend is a. Is a treasure. A treasure Chest compared to this mall.

[C]

Really?

[A]

I went. I simply after walking around, because I was trying to find a very specific store. I wrote down. I was trying to find a very specific store, and I literally started writing down the names of shops that were in this mall. Okay, it is. It is. It's unacceptable. This is a mall. This isn't an outdoor mall. This isn't an out, just like this is. You walk in through doors and it's all connected. Like a mall. Like north park, like Stonebriar. It's a mall.

[C]

Is it open?

[A]

What do you mean, is it. You think I broke into it. I was having a. A big hide and seek game.

[C]

Is it new?

[A]

No, no, it's super old.

[C]

Okay, that's probably why.

[A]

But tell me what they renovated.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay. In this mall. These are all in the same mall. Okay, first off, you got a plate. You have a literal storefront for beef jerky outlet.

[C]

That's lit.

[A]

That is ass. What is their monthly income? What are they? They indicate. The one guy working looked miserable. I'm sorry to you. He looked like he hated being.

[C]

I want to go there. Okay, first store. I'm a rank. These stores, 1 out of 10. First or 10 out of 10. If I can get some jerk at a store, I'm getting that jerk that we. Actually, I went somewhere in, like, Corpus Christi and it was like a. Like a beef jerky store. And they had elk by sun. They had horse. They get a crocodile jerky.

[A]

Legal.

[C]

I don't know, but I ate it.

[A]

To slay a horse. And then cook it. Very well done. And maybe make it beef.

[C]

But it was. It tasted great. They had ostrich jerky. And I was like, yeah, them all.

[A]

I think. I think you were buying from poachers.

[C]

I don't think.

[A]

I don't think.

[C]

They don't do that.

[A]

They don't do their taxes. They're selling horse.

[C]

They did only accept cash.

[A]

Yeah. I'm telling you. Hey, across from beef jerky outfit. Bethlehem Star. This is in a shopping mall. Bethlehem Star.

[C]

Is that like hell?

[A]

I look into it. No, no, no. Oh, no.

[C]

What's Bethlehem?

[A]

You started freaking out. Bethlehem Star is good. The whole store was a woman in there with trunks of tree wood making wooden carvings of Jesus Christ. That was the entire business model. And the store was as big as our studio. She's losing money every month. I'm convinced.

[C]

Shout out to Bethlehem Star. Go shop with her and Jesus.

[A]

Hey, guess what was next to Bethlehem store in a mall? A discount tire.

[C]

If you go to a mall to.

[A]

Buy a new rim or a Michelin.

[C]

Tire to get off a donut. That's insane.

[A]

Work inside the mall. This is in the mall.

[C]

How big was that store?

[A]

The discount tires? It's like a regular one, maybe a little smaller because it was a mall. It's lit kind of discount tire. Seven stores down. Field House usa.

[C]

What's that?

[A]

A whole gymnasium? There was eight basketball courts where they host tournament.

[C]

This sounds like the best mall ever.

[A]

What?

[C]

That's sick.

[A]

This is the worst small ever.

[C]

It's a big mall. If you can buy tires, jerky and Jesus.

[A]

Yeah, you can buy elk jerky, you can buy wooden Jesus, you can fix your flat tire. And then you go watch youth basketball. And then after that, there's another one called King's Junior Barbershop.

[C]

Okay, that's fire.

[A]

That's fire. Where's the King? I don't want his son cutting my hair. Don't ever put Junior in the name of your store. Because now I immediately think it's less.

[C]

Wouldn't that be the Prince?

[A]

Yeah, Prince's Barbershop. So you can get your hair cut, you can fix your tire, you can talk to Jesus, you can watch basketball. And you need beef jerky.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Guess where you can go next.

[C]

Where?

[A]

Ant Corp. Night vision in thermal optics. They're selling modern warfare in this mall. Hey, get some bulletproof tires, catch a basketball game and go get a thermal scope. This is all in the same. I swear to God. The next one. Stone Age natural rocks and crystals.

[C]

You can buy rock.

[A]

They should call this World Mall. You can buy anything.

[C]

You can buy gravel in there.

[A]

100%.

[C]

They had sediment on a shelf.

[A]

Go to the bathroom, I come out, I look in the bathroom. In the hallway of the bathroom, there's a Testamerica.

[C]

What's that?

[A]

You can sign up to take your act in this mall. And I'm not kidding, bro. I swear to God, bro. I'm not joking. You can take a test, you can try to make it into college. You can fix your tires, you can praise the Lord. You can watch basketball, buy thermal optics. And then you can take a stop at the store Q.

[C]

What's Q?

[A]

The name was just Q. When you look in there, it's little plush toys and weird little, like, toys just called Q.

[C]

That's cool.

[A]

Next door to Q. $3 store. $3 store. And their sign says everything's 299. I want you. Okay, if I told you there's a.

[C]

Can you even buy clothes in this mall?

[A]

I'm telling you. Oh, there's all the clothes places you got, your Abercrombie's, you got. There's a Rainforest Cafe too.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

You know the mall that I'm talking about?

[C]

No, but Rainforest Cafe. I had my first kiss there. I tried to.

[A]

What happened? You did fail.

[C]

No, I started crying because the storm happened and it scared me.

[A]

Stay throughout the date.

[C]

It wasn't a date. I was a kid. I was with our parents and everything. I was with my family.

[A]

Who the hell reach on a smooch? Yeah.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Did you just have a stroke? Did you just. Are you smelling toast?

[C]

Her name? I don't remember.

[A]

You said, I tried to have my first kiss. I said, who'd you kiss? And you said, what do you mean? I was with my family. What are you talking about? Who you kissing? What's happening right now? Was this in Arkansas? Who are you kissing? Were you on a date?

[C]

But then you said you were a.

[A]

Kid and then there was no date near with your family, but you're still trying to land your first smooch. I feel like I'm on a. Like a jigsaw puzzle. I'm trying to make this make sense.

[C]

No, it was like a field trip or something. Or like a family get together with other people.

[A]

I was about to say, you're digging a grave right now. It was like, dude, like, all my cousins came in town and I was experimental. But then that crocodile scared me. Who were you? You took field trips with other families. Non sanctioned by Pflugerville isd. You took family field trips.

[C]

I was in Austin ISD at this point.

[A]

It was.

[C]

I was really young.

[A]

I don't give a what independent school district you were in. You were in. Your family took willing field trips with other families. How does that even happen? How does that.

[C]

I think they're chaperones.

[A]

Was it through the school or not? What the. I've never heard anything like this. No, I've never heard anything like this.

[C]

I just remember there's a girl I really liked, I think, and she was pretty. Or maybe I was just. I don't remember. Muted. I saw her and it was romantic because it was dim and I heard the trickles of the rain. And I was like, dude, this is romantic. And I wanted to kiss her. And that was my objective. And then a big ass bear came.

[A]

Out and he went, ah, Mom. So who's the girl?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

This is straight. This is different. This is a different level.

[C]

I don't remember.

[A]

This is a different level. You tried to Kiss a family member on a family field trip for your first kiss at a Rainforest Cafe?

[C]

I did not try to kiss the family member.

[A]

I don't know. You're taking family field trips with other families and chaperones.

[C]

Was Rainforest Cafe the best as a kid?

[A]

It was. I only went once as a kid. And honestly, I got scared, too. It's a scary place, dude.

[C]

It's so scary.

[A]

All the merchandise is overpriced and the food's below average.

[C]

See, I don't remember any of that. I just remember the bears and the pigs and stuff.

[A]

Did you go to the.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Rainforest Cafe?

[C]

You.

[A]

It's like the Barn House Cafe. Bears and pigs.

[C]

I remember I went to Chuck E. Cheese as a kid for my. I think it was like Paul's, like, my Uncle Paul. You remember? We just found out who.

[A]

You go again. Here we go again.

[C]

And I remember there's a bunch of kids. And I remember Chucky chased me around. I never went back to a Chuck E. Cheese again.

[A]

Cheese was creepy. It always smelled like cigarettes. It always smelled like cigarettes.

[C]

And then a kid threw up in the ball pit.

[A]

No, he. That is. That is. That's grounds for termination.

[C]

But the thing I liked about that. Or maybe that smells. Bowling. Whenever they would put the tickets in and go. Or was that Chuck E. Cheese?

[A]

Mel.

[C]

Mel's Bowling in Georgetown, Texas.

[A]

Mel's Bowling. Yeah.

[C]

I went there with my grandma, who's dead of cancer. She would take me there all the time, and she was a local legend because she worked at the school. And the Green Bay packers came and they liked her a lot.

[A]

Did you ever have that? You ever had that one guy that come to your school in a singlet and he'd been to Frying Pan?

[C]

Rachel's Challenge? Is that the right program?

[A]

No, you did not. Rachel's Challenge. Dude. I was the president for the Friends of Rachel's Club in my high school. In high school, I was 17, holding quarterly meetings about how we can make the world a better place.

[C]

You solidified. Weren't you a hall monitor, too?

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

You had the vest.

[A]

No, no, no. That was for. That was for like a Halloween day. Oh, like a neon day.

[C]

So it wasn't Rachel's Challenge.

[A]

It was not Rachel's Challenge where a big guy with a bald head and a singlet was bending a frying pan.

[C]

You had this circus coming to your school.

[A]

Oh, my God. When we were in elementary, we had an old. We had an old PE coach. He'd sit down, you could see his n.

[C]

My Gym teacher's skin came off one time.

[A]

What does that mean? What does that mean? The skin came off?

[C]

It was like a big piece. Remember, there was panic.

[A]

And people came.

[C]

I just remember it was on the ground.

[A]

Oh, my God. I just remember he was sitting. I'm not going to say his last name. His first name was Bill. He'd sit down, he'd be like, today we're playing dodgeball.

[C]

Oh, my best part of like, like, like Jim, guys, as a kid was the rolly things.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The. The rainbow tent.

[A]

Oh, my God, bro. Dodgeball was fun till the world got soft.

[C]

I didn't like dodgeball.

[A]

I played sumo wrestling one time. Stabbed myself with pencils bag. That was good. That was ymca, though.

[C]

God. Oh, you know what I didn't like in school, though?

[A]

Well, you know what?

[C]

I don't remember from school.

[A]

I'm so sorry. You know. Okay, remember how you have the cookie fundraisers? If you sell enough cookies, you get prizes.

[C]

Yeah. So one year, money laundering.

[A]

Yeah. One year. The main prize at my elementary school, this might have been middle school, was a mobile gaming arcade. Would come like a mobile Games to you that. Games to you, whatever.

[C]

I had that for my birthday.

[A]

That. And then they had the money paid pit. That thing they were in. The little thing. Yeah. I was so excited. And I begged my mom. Oh, my God. I was frugal. I wanted all the money in the world. I begged my mom, can you take it to work? I begged my dad, can you take it to work? I sold enough to go inside the money Pit. So it was the day of the thing, and only certain kids that, like, hit a threshold got to go to this party. Everyone else, so we go to the party. The certain hit kids hit the next threshold, got through the money. I was like third in line for the money. I was sitting there trying to strategize. I was like, I'm gonna lift my shirt up, right? Have the back tucked in. The second I got in, they cut it on. I started grabbing a couple dollars. The wind got in my mouth and I literally sat in there and coughed for 30 seconds. I literally talk. I left with like six bucks. My mom sold like $900 of cookie dough for me to leave with a five and a one.

[C]

Dude, you are the worst kid ever. Dog.

[A]

For 30 seconds, both plug.

[C]

Hey, get him out, get him out.

[A]

Oh, my God. Then I cried because I was so excited for that. And then I didn't get to do it.

[C]

Yeah, I remember games. You came to the house one time and president let me on the van. Because I wasn't good at games. This episode is Birthday by friends and Liquid iv.

[A]

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[C]

Liquid IV is super easy. All you do is tear, pour, and enjoy. Look, Cam's doing it right now. That's how simple it is. And he's going to be super hydrated.

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[C]

Oh, my God. I love the green grape.

[A]

Oh, my God. There. There's so many flavors, and they're amazing, and they're so good for you.

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[A]

Good.

[C]

Right there in the calf.

[A]

In. Okay. In the cafe. It's. We're not in juco. We're not. We're not struggling anymore. It's cafe that.

[C]

I don't think that's a depiction of struggle.

[A]

You got a calf when it. When you're going quick throughout life in your basketball and you're sweaty. Yeah. Let's go to California Caf.

[C]

So you call cafeterias cafes universal.

[A]

Okay, let's break this down. Cafeteria. The f. Believe it or not, it's not fa. It's fe. Cafe. It's a cafe, Cam. You're speaking of musculature. You're saying a calf.

[C]

That's a calf. So you call the. The. The office building that we work in. The cafeteria we have in there. You call it a cafe, and they don't sell teas and crumpets. Dog, that's a cafe.

[A]

Okay, just so.

[C]

Brisket sandwiches and beef stroganov.

[A]

Dog, that is a cafe at its finest. It is small it is delicate. It sells meals. You're thinking it's like Emily in Paris. You can get a scone. That's what.

[C]

That's what a cafe is. You have to have some kind of pastry and a coffee treat.

[A]

Okay? In your queen. Oh, oh. In your weird little mind. A cafe only sells scones and cookies. That's what I say.

[C]

You have to at least sell the pastry to be a cafe.

[A]

You can buy a honey bun and a cookie right there, 40ft away. You can buy honeymoon a cookie.

[C]

You could buy a honey bun.

[A]

I literally bought a honey bun in there. Oh, my God. I bought a honey bun. And you know, they always have the cookies bite by the little bowls.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

But a cafe, and it's base.

[C]

So if they only sold barbecue, right? Barbecue lasagna and ribs and burgers, that would be a. That would be a cafe still.

[A]

That'd be a restaurant. Do they only sell barbecue ribs and burgers?

[C]

No.

[A]

You can buy teas. You can buy cookies.

[C]

You cannot buy tea in there.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

You bought tea in there, Lipton. I don't like.

[A]

I'm not a fan of tea. I'm not a believer in tea. But they sell it. That is good for you. No, I know it's good for you. And I can't get behind the taste. It's weird. His herbal like a medicine, really.

[C]

That is on a tea, you don't.

[A]

Get, oh, Arizona tea. Now that shit fired 99 cents a can for 28 ounces of goodness. Fire back to the cafe. It's not a calf. Okay? Why are you calling a calf? What does calf mean? If you're so. You're so.

[C]

You're so.

[A]

Webster. You're so definite.

[C]

That's a short for cafeteria.

[A]

Holy shit. What is a cafe?

[C]

Associate caf. Cafet cafes with, like, Italy.

[A]

That's your problem. That's your problem. A cafe sells food. Sells small amounts of food. And it's. And it's a nice place, you know, That's a cafe.

[C]

You know what I read the other day? That doesn't make sense to me. I've been going through news. I've been trying to get more into scary place. Yeah. Because I don't really like it. It's confusing and it brings me gloom.

[A]

It's always gloomy. There's never like, oh, this kid won a medal. It's always like, this guy's going to jail for 20 years because he did this.

[C]

And even if they do say, oh, this kid won a medal, he's dead now.

[A]

He won the medal. He was In a fatal accident.

[C]

God bless that kid. I read. I don't believe this. And now I understand the term fake news.

[A]

Fake news. Very real.

[C]

I don't believe this. I read this news article and it said that a lightning bolt is hotter than the sun.

[A]

I believe it.

[C]

Why? Why do you just believe it?

[A]

Did you hear that first off? Let's see. Someone probably studied it, right? That's kind of how that would work. Someone did that, brought it to said news station, and that's not a riveting report, but they wanted to speak on it.

[C]

But isn't the sun the hottest thing ever?

[A]

That's also incredibly wrong. Incredibly wrong. There's so many stars that are hotter, bigger, way larger than the sun. The sun is our life bringer and life giver.

[C]

So the sun is the hottest thing we know.

[A]

That's still wrong because we know about the other stars. I'm not making it up. Science. It's science.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But bigger stars, hotter stars.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Further stars.

[C]

But they said if the sun. I've always learned this. I've always learned this in class. If the sun were to get, like, even a little bit closer. The Earth is gone 100%.

[A]

It'd be too hot for us.

[C]

If a lightning bolt is hotter than that and a lightning bolt hit my backyard one time, why am I not a corpse? Why am I not sizzling, snapping bacon from Dunkin Donuts.

[A]

That's so good. Lightning bolt, believe it or not. Lightning bolt. Very small sun. Astronomically big. Can you do your wrap around that one?

[C]

Okay, but it doesn't matter. It's not about the size of the. I mean, it's not about the size of the boat. It's about the motion of the ocean.

[A]

Exactly. And your ocean is very large, very far away.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Your oceans. The real ocean, you creep, is very large, very far away. In this metaphor, that's the sun. The lightning is right here in you.

[C]

How are people struck by lightning and still alive? Then if it's hotter than the sun. If the sun were to slap me on the ass, I'm done. You're burned to a crease.

[A]

The sun is enormous. Okay. A fire. A small fire, the size of my hand.

[C]

Right?

[A]

That's a thousand degrees.

[C]

Where is it?

[A]

For simple math, it's in my palm. Okay? It hurt like hell.

[C]

Your hand is done.

[A]

It's done.

[C]

If it's hotter than the sun. Sun.

[A]

Let's say. Let's say this small fire is a thousand degrees for easy math. Okay? The small fire, size of my hand. Thousand degrees or a Fire. The size of this room is 500 degrees. Which one's hotter?

[C]

Obviously that one. The one.

[A]

Which one is emitting more heat?

[C]

That one. If it's hotter. Dude, the one in your hand. I'm dead ass. Kim, that doesn't make sense to me. If something. Okay, say.

[A]

Would it hurt more if I threw one drop, one drop of boiling water? Boiling water?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Threw it on your back. Okay, one drop. Or if I got a whole pot of water that wasn't quite boiling, but it was still hot as shit and I threw the whole pot of water on you?

[C]

That's a false comparison.

[A]

Oh, my drop.

[C]

Say you were to get that lightning.

[A]

Strike is not even a dropping compared to a boy.

[C]

Whenever there's lightning storms, there's only one lightning. Bow, bow, bow, bow. Have you ever seen a lightning storm? Thunder.

[A]

Oh, cuz you're out in the field getting struck by lightning left and right.

[C]

I've been struck. I've been struck by lighting. I told you.

[A]

I still don't believe that.

[C]

Me? Well, you can.

[A]

No, you can't. She's gone. We can't converse. I'm sorry.

[C]

She's.

[A]

Here's an amazing woman.

[C]

You.

[A]

That just proved my point. A drop of water in a pot of water. If we did. If you wanted false comparison, that was false. You want a real comparison? Drop of water is a lightning bolt. Hey, go and jump into Lake Michigan and heat it up to hundreds of degrees. That's the sun.

[C]

That would probably hurt less because if it's not as hot.

[A]

Peyton.

[C]

I'm just saying, if something were to be sharp, right? Say you were to get a little bitty pencil that's sharp, right? But super. It's the sharpest pencil in the world. But this big, right? And then you were to take a big pencil that was dull and you were gonna hit you with it. Which one's gonna hurt more?

[A]

The little pencil is gonna feel like acupuncture. The big one's gonna feel like Conan the Barbarians here at your favela stabbing you through the chest. And your whole family's dead. Man.

[C]

What is Conan O'Brien do?

[A]

I didn't say O'Brien. I'm not talking about the night host, ginger guy. I said Conan the Barbarian.

[C]

Okay, but you're not understanding me.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

If there's lightning storms, there's so many lightning. And it's hidden people, it's hidden houses, things set on fire. Whenever you hit lightning, it's taking down trees, my friends.

[A]

Hotter than the sun.

[C]

Exactly. So how are we if there's Lightning storms. Literally storms taking up the environment that you're in of the. Of something that's hotter than the sun. How are we still preheating? We should be burnt, dog, because this sun.

[A]

Yeah, the sun's so much bigger.

[C]

And how are we testing that?

[A]

How do you. Grand question. And some guy's the Mason jar. He's like. He just snags it like it's a pop fly. He's like. He grabs that. He's like. He puts a lid on, takes it back to the lab. They're like, oh, he's just in catching the. No, that's a valid question.

[C]

Like. Like y'all believe anything, Dog, I swear to you, Peyton.

[A]

Who put a thermostat on the sun? No, no, no. That's another. Who told this question.

[C]

Who told the sun to open up its mouth, lift their tongue, and put a thermostat under there?

[A]

You can throat swab the tongue. You know, the sun has so much waves. Like, if the sun even burped, we'd be done. If the sun was like. And said a wave would go, we would all just be like the sound effects. Am I a walking sound?

[C]

No wonder people like listening this on Spotify.

[A]

Yeah, 100%. One more compare, and I want you to be partial.

[C]

And I want you to be.

[A]

Honest to God, I need you to close your eyes.

[C]

Okay. You know the fear of closing my eyes in public? I'm not gonna hit me, Cam. I'm bringing up the fart spray.

[A]

I'm not. No, you.

[C]

I'm spraying your car.

[A]

I am. Oh, my God. That'd be the worst prank ever. I'm not. No, stop, stop. I'm not touching you. You can get all weird if you want.

[C]

Okay, Please, please. Prompt piggy, promising you're not gonna touch.

[A]

No touching will happen, you mother. I'm just kidding. Okay, what would hurt worse?

[C]

Okay, if she left again. Sorry.

[A]

A very, very sharp knife. Okay, Howie, one sharp knife, right? It's sticking you real quick. Coming right out. Or. And it's very small. The point of it is very small.

[C]

Sounds like my sex life. Or small in and out.

[A]

Or. Sorry, if godly small in and out, stick in you real quick. Or if you laid down on an entire bed of thumbtacks, all glued, pointed directly up. Initial pain, the little knife.

[C]

Cam. Cam. Yuki, listen.

[A]

If you not 100% right, if you lay.

[C]

If you lay on thumbtacks, Cam. Yeah. It's gonna be uncomfortable. It's gonna hurt. If you stab me with the world's sharpest knife. Ow.

[A]

I didn't say I'm going, like, killing you. Imagine this. Or imagine sharpest.

[C]

You're gonna cut me open like some butter dog.

[A]

Like some butter dog. Or a million thumbtacks all at once. The power of a million thumbs up. Going every, every, every centimeter of your skin.

[C]

That's not fair.

[A]

Neither is lightning versus the sun, but.

[C]

I'm saying the whole environment is taken up by thunder. That should. That should burn the earth. We should have no crops.

[A]

First off, it's not the whole environment. It'd be like one thunderstorm over Pflugerville.

[C]

Don't talk about Pflugerville.

[A]

Two towns over. It's dry and sunny.

[C]

Yeah, Pflugerville should burn.

[A]

No, Pflugerville should burn for multiple times. No, your Pflugerville is creepy and it's nasty. They a lot of weird people. The sun could encapsulate over a. That. I said that wrong. Could encapsulate over a thousand Earths, and you're talking about a measly thunderstorm in Little Elm.

[C]

Speaking of space.

[A]

That scares my dog.

[C]

Speaking of space. Space is not.

[A]

Who was talking about space?

[C]

The sun's in space. Is a fair point. That wrong, too?

[A]

No, that's a fair.

[C]

What I don't do. You know, I mean.

[A]

You.

[C]

I think I talked about this already, though.

[A]

I think you need to take a drink. I think you need to take a drink. No, it's all on me. I wore blue. No, bro, no. My shit.

[C]

No.

[A]

Paint my shoes. For real. No, no, no.

[C]

It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

[A]

Oh, it's so your fault.

[C]

Is that my. You told me to go.

[A]

I didn't tell you to slurp and chug it, you creep.

[C]

You know how I like my dc.

[A]

Oh, no. Cam's over there.

[C]

My name's Cam. I decided to wear $2,000 shoes on the podcast.

[A]

Nowhere near.

[C]

Did it get on you for real?

[A]

It got all over me. It's on my arms, my legs, my shoes.

[C]

I couldn't see the carbonation one in my eyes. Did you shake that before you gave it to me?

[A]

No, you started just chugging it, moving it back and forth. Look, it's everywhere. It looks like we stabbed a Diet Coke. Oh, man.

[C]

That wasn't even a bit.

[A]

Like, my legs are sticky.

[C]

Oh, thanks, Pierce. We're good. Oh, the you should know podcast. This episode is brought to you by.

[A]

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Get the shaving products that always deliver. Get Harry's. Get started with a 13 trial set for just three bucks at Harry's.com YSK that's Harry's.com YSK for a three dollar trial set. Now on to the rest of the episode. That was an accident.

[A]

No, I know.

[C]

My leg is sticky.

[A]

No, mine too. I'm very sticky. You shat that everywhere.

[C]

Dude, that was bad.

[A]

Oh man, that is going to be. There's going to be an incredible amount of mites and flies and bugs and grubs in our studio.

[C]

Speaking of losing body control. Go ahead, go ahead.

[A]

What was your first point?

[C]

I said speaking of losing body control. Right.

[A]

No, back to space.

[C]

I think I talked about it already. Did you know that there's satellites everywhere?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I thought we had one dead ass and then they showed a realistic picture of space and it was like thousands of satellites.

[A]

Yeah. You think one satellite is doing it all for us?

[C]

I didn't know.

[A]

You think one satellite has HBO Max, Garmin navigation systems, Apple maps, your old tags. All cell towers on earth. Old tags, Toll tags.

[C]

Let me say this. Pay your toll tags, kids. I don't know if that is. Is toll tags universal? Is that all over America we have toll roads?

[A]

I think so. There's tollways everywhere.

[C]

So I've had a car since I was 16 years old. I've had. I've had a car. I was 16 years old. I've been driving every day since I was 16 and I just. And one of my anxiety mechanisms to cope with my anxiety is to drive.

[A]

Yes. Coping.

[C]

Not if you don't Have a toll tag. I haven't had a toll tag ever. I'm 25 years old and I haven't had a toll tag since I started driving when I was 16. Now I've been getting mail right from the toll saying, hey, this is your bill for the toll. And I said, when I look up at the thing, it's only like 225. Every time I go through. I didn't realize, hey, you've been driving for almost 10 years every day.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you used to live in a different state too.

[A]

And you go through multiple checkpoints. It's not a one way. 225. You're good.

[C]

Every time I go home, I'm going through a toll. Every time I leave home, I'm going, it's right outside my house. Same thing when I was back home. Cam, CJ's mom came over this weekend and she goes, peyton, you got to pay your tolls. Because she saw my mail jail. And I said, I said, oh, it's all right. And she goes, no, if you don't pay your tolls a certain amount, it could be a misdemeanor.

[A]

Like, you can go to jail.

[C]

And I said, well, I don't want. You've seen my butt.

[A]

You.

[C]

You've seen my butt.

[A]

My butt. My butt is not a jail.

[C]

But don't want to go to jail.

[A]

It would be a number one draft pick in a jail ass draft. A jail ass draft. You're going first round. Put him right in the starting.

[C]

There's like Meg Thee Stallion, Cardi B. Payton in jail.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah. And so I said, okay, I don't want to go to jail. Let me go pay my tolls. There's a QR code on the paper, Cam. I put on the QR code. It said, put in this PIN number that's linked to your account and what you owe. I opened up that toll website.

[A]

Can I guess? Can I guess?

[C]

I don't. I genuinely don't want to say how much it was.

[A]

It's that bad.

[C]

It's genuinely. I could. Could. Let me put this. I could buy a car. I could buy a car. Payton, with how much?

[A]

It was Steven Hard.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You could purchase another vehicle with how much money you owed Uncle Sam for driving on his nice road.

[C]

Yes. 100.

[A]

I almost. I almost. My pants. I almost threw up.

[C]

I literally was like, take me to jail. I was like, I didn't want to pay it.

[A]

Did you pay it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You have to tell me off camera or at Least you have to get. Can I. Okay. Can I do one guess?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And you just say simply, higher. Lower.

[C]

Okay, well, you do ridiculous. So be ridiculous because it's ridiculous how much I spent.

[A]

Well, you already told me that you could buy a car. Yeah, we're talking like a. Oh, seven Civic or like a. You buy like some off a lot.

[C]

I could put it. I don't know. Just guess. It's bad. Pay your tolls.

[A]

20 grand. Okay, I'm actually going to. I just started sweating more. If I look at you. I'm going to do that again. Okay. If I look at you and I say the number $20,000, and you look back with your O hos into my O hos and you nod and say, nope, it's higher, we're going to have a problem and we're going to have to talk.

[C]

You ready?

[A]

You know the rules and registrations of the game. Here we go. My singular guess is 20 grand. Peyton. You're Peyton. Peyton. You're absolutely kidding me.

[C]

I've been so depressed.

[A]

You are absolutely kidding me.

[C]

I can't pay my bills.

[A]

You had more than $20,000 in tolls?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you, Amazon? Are you delivering?

[C]

I used. I drove when I lived in. God, my second juco. I would go home every weekend because I had a girlfriend at the time. Every weekend. And my school was two and a half, three hours away.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

You know me. Tolls, you got to go through. I'm 25, Cam. I've been driving since I was 16.

[A]

No one told me nine years, but it's more than 20. Oh, my God. You're spending more than $2,000 a year on tolls. What are you doing? Take a service road.

[C]

No, I didn't enjoy the job. I'm about to now. And I'm about to just get a tol tag.

[A]

Or that or a bike. Yeah, get a. Go get a mongoose. Huh? Try that out.

[C]

But yeah. No, I don't want to talk about it now. My stomach hurts.

[A]

Oh, my God. My. Okay, I almost took him to court. No, real quick, you would have lost.

[C]

And I still got to pay the fees here at this parking garage. I haven't paid them here either, and so I'm just not going to. I'll go to jail for that.

[A]

Peyton, we are going to get evicted.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because you're not paying. You have to pay things in life. That's how they work. Sometimes there's a fee and then there's a late fee. And when they say, huh, that didn't scare him enough. Let's go handcuff them.

[C]

But, like, says who says, I don't.

[A]

Know, Cops, cops, Internet movies. Pretty much anything in front of you would point to the fact that you got to do that, or you might get arrested. And as we know, you and your ass, you would be a prized possession in any cell block that you go into. So I don't want to hear horror stories from prison for you. Yeah, I don't want to lose my friend.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I like where we were.

[C]

That'd be a reason to go to jail. That'd be.

[A]

That'd be, oh, you probably get your ass beat the first day. What you here for? I didn't pay my toes. They go, what the. You just said, I'm doing life for some hard you over here. If they put.

[C]

If they put me in jail next to somebody who's in there for life for not paying tolls, that's their fault.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't deserve that. Yeah, I don't deserve that.

[A]

No, that'd be bad.

[C]

But go ahead.

[A]

I was gonna say, speaking of car. Okay. The other day, I went to a car wash because we recently went to Oklahoma. Came back, car was super dirty. I go through the car wash, and this guy gives me unsolicited advice.

[C]

I hate that.

[A]

And then it struck me very, very wrong.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Fundamentally, I think he is incorrect. But then I thought about it, and the whole system does it. I'm going through the car wash, and right when. You know they're doing this.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Right when I saw it, put it in neutral.

[C]

He goes, trying to line you up.

[A]

They're trying to line you up with the thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, left, come back, he goes, right. Put your window down. I said, that's not right.

[C]

Yeah, you don't tell me.

[A]

I said, you're gonna prank me. There's Aston Kutcher behind.

[C]

Yeah. I don't want the water in my car.

[A]

Not at all. This isn't a water ride. He goes, no, no fruit. And I was like, I lean out because I literally think. I'm like, why am I even opening? I don't even know this guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, you need to get your tires rotated so they. So they wear evenly.

[C]

Excuse me word for it.

[A]

I can see the little. Little early signs of wearing on your tires. You need to get them rotated so they can wear evenly.

[C]

Am I the mechanic, or am I getting my car cleaned?

[A]

So that's the first thing, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's the issue. Isn't a tire a wheel? It's a circle. Every part of it is touching the road. Every time I use. How is it possibly wearing unevenly?

[C]

How many right turns do you take?

[A]

What the hell does that mean? What does that even mean? It doesn't matter if I turn right. Turn left.

[C]

Yeah, it does.

[A]

No, it does not.

[C]

And if you break a lot, it said.

[A]

I'm telling you, it's a tire.

[C]

Listen to this.

[A]

It's going like this.

[C]

So you're. They don't all evenly go.

[A]

What are you driving on squares? You got square tires. It is literally a circle.

[C]

No, listen.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

When you take a right turn, is your right front wheel and your right back wheel doing the same thing? No, it's not. They're not uneven.

[A]

Did you think you just cracked da Vinci's code? You said uneven. No. I make the turn and then I start driving again. What are you saying?

[C]

I'm saying your. Your wheels aren't all moving in sync at the same time.

[A]

Okay, so then why didn't he say, hey, your front tires are going to burn out quicker because your back ones will stay straight. Well, maybe because he said, get them all turn so they can wear evenly. First off, I don't like that phrase. Yeah, because wearing tire.

[C]

Yeah, because they were unevenly moving. So you got to realign them to get them moving evenly. Reset. It's. It's like, you know, whenever you're doing the. What. What's the old game with the etch? You. You. You're doing an etch a Sketch. You remember etch A sketches? You got to shake and reset the drawing. Your car's the drawing. Reset it.

[A]

A Kia and an Etch A Sketch. That's what we've got to. A Kia and Etch Sketch is how you're defending this mechanic car wash. Guys, it doesn't matter. It's a circle. Every part of the tires touching every part of the road.

[C]

Exactly. Unevenly, though youh go in reverse, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Your back tires are moving more than your front ones.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yes, they are.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yes, they are.

[A]

They start slightly in front, and then. Okay, first off, I don't even think that's true.

[C]

You ever been in reverse and you're cutting the car?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Your wheels are going different directions than your back ones.

[A]

That's happening.

[C]

So that means it's gonna evenly, you know.

[A]

Okay, cool. So then if I get it readjusted, what the does that do? Because then the same thing's gonna happen again. So is this a ploy for money? Is he with me or is he stupid?

[C]

No, I'm saying it's so. It's so you can last longer. Because if it continues to uneven, it will. It will last less if you get them. If you realign, even redo that sketch.

[A]

Are you with me right now? Are you. Are you genuinely trying to piss me off?

[C]

No, I'm giving you the science, Peyton.

[A]

If it's. If it's shit and then you redo it, it's gonna be in a new spot.

[C]

No.

[A]

And then you redo it in a new spot in the news.

[C]

Okay. You ever had a jacket on?

[A]

What is that? What is a jacket on?

[C]

You ever had a jacket on?

[A]

Oh, I thought you said when you have a jacket on.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah, I've worn a jacket. You crazy?

[C]

Zip up jacket.

[A]

Yeah, so zip up.

[C]

Yeah. So whenever you're zipping up a jacket, right, it's supposed to go even.

[A]

Don't tell me some stupid. It is even. It's a zipper.

[C]

Exactly. But you ever. It ever got unaligned.

[A]

That has absolute. It's right. A jacket is in circular cook.

[C]

I'm in the kitchen with grease and olive oil right now.

[A]

You're in the kitchen with like pink food coloring and like flour. Like you're making a weird ass.

[C]

I would make a cake. Here we go. So if so, you know, whenever you're zipping up a jacket, it's supposed to be aligned. Those are your tires.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Supposed to be aligned. Say you move a little too much to the left. You move a little too much to the right. Now it's uneven. You can continue to zip that jacket up. Right? You can continue to zip it, but it's gonna be cattywampus. That's your tires. Or cattywampus. What you want to do is realign your zip up jacket. No more cattywampus. Now you got your curmudgeons.

[A]

What are you speaking. I hate you. I'm trying to come to you with some sense. Cattywampus and mudgy wubbins. What'd you say? What was the second part? Curmudgeons.

[C]

You know, curmudgeons are.

[A]

No.

[C]

You've never heard of curmudgeons?

[A]

You're speaking in tongues, dog. Curmudgeons. That's not racist. Is that. I didn't mean it. I wasn't racist. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[C]

Curmudgeons.

[A]

Curmudgeons. You sound like you're from elf.

[C]

Curmudgeons is a real word.

[A]

Cotton headed ninny muggins. Oh, what the is that? That's from elf. That's from elf.

[C]

Call me a cotton picking. What'd you call me?

[A]

I said for the sake of my life, wife. A cotton headed.

[C]

That's ninny. Cotton headed down right? I don't know if you should say that.

[A]

You're cotton headed, ninny muggins.

[C]

Yeah, you stop saying that. Is.

[A]

That is getting. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. It means.

[C]

Don't tell me what I should get.

[A]

No, you shouldn't. It means. It means you're a little elf, you little cotton headed nitty muggins. That is so.

[C]

What is that from elf? What year was that maiden Will Ferrell.

[A]

O4.

[C]

That could have something.

[A]

It could have some intent. Okay, what was I saying?

[C]

Saying?

[A]

Speaking of bodily.

[C]

No.

[A]

Curmudgeons.

[C]

You don't know what commudgeons are, brother.

[A]

That sounds like a disease, cur. She got curious last week.

[C]

Go get your curmudgeons.

[A]

What is that?

[C]

It's like get your get back.

[A]

Commudgeons means get your get back. I'm gonna get my lick back.

[C]

Curgeons. You've never heard of commudgeons?

[A]

Hey, they hit a stain on the block. Let's go get our commudgeons.

[C]

You don't talk about. You don't have to talk like that.

[A]

You think you're getting some respect if you say that?

[C]

No, it's a. It's a word. It's in the English dictionary. Kins.

[A]

Holy spell curud for me.

[C]

K U M U D G E N S. Cur. Go get your commudence.

[A]

You're not being serious. This is a real word.

[C]

Ask my. I'm going call my mom.

[A]

Oh, that doesn't do much.

[C]

Oh, you got my mom. Ignorant.

[A]

No, I'm saying curud. I could say. Yeah, flop a doppa waas. And that's my family word.

[C]

No, K. Call my mom.

[A]

Floppa doppa wapus.

[C]

K is a real word.

[A]

No, that's.

[C]

Watch this.

[A]

Hello.

[C]

Hello, Mom. You're on the podcast right now. Say hello to everybody.

[B]

Hello, everybody.

[A]

Hey, mama.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yep. There we go. Thanks.

[C]

Okay, mom, yes or no is kins a real word?

[B]

Well, I've always said it, so I believe it.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

It's a real word though.

[A]

Okay. I always thought Santa was real. Izzy.

[C]

That's. That's okay, mom, what does curmudgeons mean?

[B]

Oh, my God. Did we just speak about this?

[C]

Yes, yes. So, commodities. What does it mean?

[B]

Like you get your curmudgeons, like, you know, what's fair to you, what's due to you.

[C]

Yeah, get Your gift back.

[A]

Okay. Hey, what does flop a whoppis mean?

[B]

What?

[A]

Flop a whoppis we used in my household. Sure is a real word.

[B]

Flah, wapa.

[A]

Floppa, wapus. What is that exactly? It's nonsense and bullshit. Curmudgeons isn't a word. It can be a family tradition, all you want it to be. It's not in Webster's. It's not real, Mom.

[C]

Okay. Did you teach me something wrong?

[B]

Hey, someone taught it to me.

[C]

Yeah. Was it your mom?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Why she sounds sad.

[C]

Wait, mom, how many siblings do you have? Have?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Peyton. Stephen Harden.

[C]

Wait, we talked about this last week. Wait, how many? How many siblings do you have?

[B]

I have two.

[C]

Oh, what's his name? Earl.

[A]

Do you have a brother named Earl?

[B]

Brother named Paul.

[A]

Who's Earl?

[C]

I have an Earl, don't I?

[B]

That's. Oh, my God. That is my brother's grandson.

[C]

How old's your brother? God damn. Your brother has kids?

[A]

No.

[B]

And grandkids.

[A]

Her brother's grandkids.

[C]

Why have I not met any of these people?

[B]

You have met him.

[C]

Bull.

[B]

When you were a baby, when you were in the. When you were a little boy, you were in the guitars, and he had several. And he said, I will give them to you once I pass on. You asked me the next day when he flew home if he died yet.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Listen, Uncle Paul pass away yet. I want those guitars.

[A]

Do you not remember that?

[C]

Damn, I was evil. No, I don't remember that.

[A]

Why was he into guitars? Let's talk about that.

[C]

Because of Drake and Josh.

[A]

Oh, a little rock star.

[B]

I've got pictures. I'll send them to you.

[C]

No, you're not.

[A]

Oh, please do.

[C]

Okay, thanks, Mom. Where do they live? Why haven't I met these kids?

[B]

He lives in Maryland. Wait, who. Where does who live?

[C]

The kids and the grandkids.

[A]

What about Earl?

[B]

Oh, my God. Do you not know Paul and Mom?

[C]

That's your job, you know. Paul Jr. We'll talk about this later. Goodbye. My mom's a sick bastard.

[A]

You were into guitars? Let's start there. Yeah, that's the biggest thing I got from that. You liked to rip it on a guitar.

[C]

Hey, I used to literally try to play the guitar all the time.

[A]

You're.

[C]

That's me and my grandpa's, like. That's when we tried to bond, because he was. He loved guitars, too.

[A]

Like a gnat. Like a. Like a classic. Like a guitar. Like a. I had two electric guitars. You are absolutely kidding me.

[C]

Y'all. Didn't know that.

[A]

Can your mom please God, send a picture?

[C]

Oh, I probably have a picture of it. That's so obvious. And I used to wear a longhorns wristband on my forearm and a tank top and jeans and boots.

[A]

He thought he was Kobe Bryant mixed with Trace Atkins playing the guitar. You wore a sweat band?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

To play an instrument.

[C]

I was always meant to entertain.

[A]

You were always meant to do some shit that didn't quite add up.

[C]

I think my family is. I think my mom has lost it. Those people aren't real. I don't.

[A]

I'm gonna trust your mom over you? After all the evidence, I'm trusting your mom.

[C]

My mom, she spends 14 hours a day on a coloring book dog. She's not there when she looks at.

[A]

Lights and she's in awe.

[C]

She's lost it, bro. You should know Podcast this episode is brought to you by our friends at.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

No. Oh my God. I don't know how I didn't show you this. Okay, me and Liv, we went to a baby appointment two days ago and it was a sonogram appointment, which is like, doesn't happen. The one with the pictures. Remember her last time you had the cute pictures?

[C]

Ultrasound.

[A]

Yeah, ultrasound, sonogram. Same thing. She. She was going through, taking her pictures and right when she took it was the profile, like a side view of her. He was cute. No, of the baby. Right when she snapped the picture, he turned.

[C]

Oh, he's sick.

[A]

Oh, no, it is lit. Oh no, he's ugly. No. Oh my God. Oh, my God, bro, it's. I love you to death. Whenever you see this, you'll understand. The picture. I'll show you when you're old enough. He looks like a. Like a creep, like a ghoul.

[C]

Could we put this up on the screen.

[A]

Hundred percent. Okay. It is. It's terrifying, dog.

[C]

Okay, but that's.

[A]

I just want your reaction first as his face.

[C]

That's his face.

[A]

I swear to God.

[C]

Your wife's giving birth to a. A beast, bro.

[A]

It literally looks like he's in there. Like. Yeah, look at that.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, I didn't.

[C]

No, I didn't sleep. Member of insidious.

[A]

No, literally. Come here.

[C]

Here, real quick.

[A]

Ready?

[C]

This is face fourth camera reaction.

[A]

One, two, three. Oh.

[C]

Dude, he's sick.

[A]

It looks like he's. There's no air. There's nowhere in there whatsoever. He's being like, vacuum sucked. Looks like he sealed like a good steak. I don't know. He turned. I guess he could sense the thing because it was on the side of his face. It was all pretty. And then he literally. She was like. And like, as she, like, clicked the button, he turned and that's what we got. I literally. I audibly gasped in.

[C]

In the room.

[A]

I literally went, oh, my God.

[C]

Okay, but that's not fair. That's not fair. And you can put this up on the screen too, because this was Cam as a baby. Yo, you look awful. Cam as a kid. That is a mix of a troll and elf and some dough, dog. That is not a good baby.

[A]

I look like an unbaked loaf. I look like I had a twin. And I. It looks. That looks. I look. I look huge. I look terrible. Oh, my. Yeah, this. I hope that. God, my son's audibly a gas dude.

[C]

No. That would literally took a lot of my excitement away for your kid. No.

[A]

Hundred percent. It was terrifying.

[C]

That is an awful bro.

[A]

It was. I literally went, oh, my God, that.

[C]

Kid is 90% eyes like this. He said, I got you, bro.

[A]

And then he. The woman goes, what? What's wrong? I said, no, none. That's just a creepy ass picture. She goes, oh, I think it's cute. And I said, bullshit.

[C]

Like, do you also worship that?

[A]

Yeah, Lucifer. I bet you do think he's cute.

[C]

Dude. Dude, I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna love him bad. You know that? Live. I'm a love him. If he looks like that when he comes out, he's coming over. Anytime he comes over to my house, he's gonna look like Rey Mysterio because he's gonna have a mask on. Cam. He's not walking into my house, like, looking like that. I love him to death. I love him.

[A]

If you. Honest to God, if you masked my son because of how hidden as he was. That would be the lowest point. I think a. A human's been.

[C]

He's gonna look like a luchador, dog. He's gonna look like Nacho libre walking into my house. Are you kidding me? If he looks like that, he better develop some skull before he looks at him.

[A]

Oh. Oh, my God. I don't think I've heard the word luchador in 12 years a luchador. Oh, my God. What game? There were little. Those little eggs. Those little eggs. They were little fighters. They were dresses. What were those magnets? Oh, my God.

[C]

So lit.

[A]

I had a Mexican warrior. He was a luchador.

[C]

That's sick.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Luchador. Like a Mexican fighting style of like, wrestling?

[A]

I don't think it's a style of combat. I think it's what they're called. Oh, they are. The l. Luchador. What Luchador might mean something.

[C]

I don't know. Maybe. Right? Wrestler.

[A]

Would you rather take $50,000 a year for 10 years? Okay, $100,000 a year for 10 years straight, or you get to be the sole father of Mo Ding.

[C]

Who's Mo Ding? Who's Mo Ding? Mooding.

[A]

Mooding.

[C]

Who's Mo Ding?

[A]

Am I about to blow your mind?

[C]

Blow it.

[A]

You haven't seen that cute little pygmy hippo, Moo Ding?

[C]

Who's Moody Peyton?

[A]

You're shitting, boy.

[C]

The hippo on TikTok.

[A]

The cute little baby hippo.

[C]

$100,000 a year.

[A]

What is wrong with you?

[C]

He's cute. No, I get it. It's fun. I would rather that fat penguin. No, you seen that big ass penguin in Australia? I want that.

[A]

You wouldn't want Moo Ding.

[C]

He's not. He's adorable, but doesn't serve much.

[A]

They live 50 years.

[C]

Really?

[A]

50? Imagine a 50 year pet.

[C]

Why would I want to hit me?

[A]

He was. That's a good point. He's gon sitting there packing your stuff in a box because you died. He's like packing your stuff up. He's a pygmy hippo. He's small. Oh, my God. He's fat. And he has rolls and he's like purple and he's always wet. And his caretaker messes with him and then he tries to strike back with teeth, but he doesn't have spikes with guns.

[C]

Yeah, he's cute.

[A]

Oh, you'd really take money over that? You're. You're heartless.

[C]

You absolutely would even feed a hippo, bro.

[A]

Probably carrots and rabbits. Or carrots and carrots and celery. Was he at Wingstop? Yeah, but you feed him vegetables. You wouldn't want to hit you. You're not a humanitarian.

[C]

You're not humanitarian.

[A]

Someone that loves the world. I want to build a school youl're humanitarian.

[C]

Would that be counterproductive? If I built a school, though, it probably.

[A]

No, you. Oh, my God.

[C]

I feel like an arts class.

[A]

You should build like a Montessori.

[C]

Oh, that is church.

[A]

No, it's a type of school. It's like a private, like, schooling.

[C]

But I don't believe in. Well, I do believe in private school, but I want everybody.

[A]

Because you don't believe in price?

[C]

Well, no, I'm saying I believe in it, and I misspoke. I mean, I don't want to build a private school because I feel like that's not inclusive, but it's not necessarily.

[A]

It's more of. It's the monastery. The kids are learning stuff. Way bit like, there was a stat said like 10 of the biggest businesses in the world. Eight of the CEOs were graduates from Montessori.

[C]

Do you graduate as a kid?

[A]

They're te. No. You done? It's a school system still.

[C]

How long do you go?

[A]

You can go to the 12th grade.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah, they were like, I don't care about Friday Night Lights and a cheerleader. That's kind of cute when that's legal.

[C]

Do you learn math?

[A]

Yeah, they learn. But they learn business. They learn real things.

[C]

Okay, that's sick. No, I wouldn't. I don't want you to learn anything like that. I want you to learn something cool. I got a podcast.

[A]

Dude, that'd be sick.

[C]

I want to be like a school like that.

[A]

Uncle Peas.

[C]

No.

[A]

Peyton.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Payton. Daddy Peace.

[C]

No.

[A]

Djp.

[C]

Peyton.

[A]

Peyton.

[C]

Peyton Harden.

[A]

Peyton's Podcast School. Pps.

[C]

Yeah. Or Payton School of Podcasts.

[A]

Peyton's School of Podcast.

[C]

And you get cool lunch at Ground Beef. You ever. Okay, quick story and we'll get out of here. There's this girl, right?

[A]

Why. Why am I already. You have a power, bro.

[C]

You have a.

[A]

You have a power within you.

[C]

Dead ass. There's this girl, right? And we never dated, but we always had this flirtatious vibe with each other. And she. We were really close at one time. She went and got a boyfriend. Didn't work out, obviously, because you're not with me. I'm just kidding. She had a boyfriend. It didn't work out, so we weren't talking whenever she had a boyfriend because. Out of respect, because we used to have flirtatious energy. Never, never, never. Never smooched nothing. She got out of the relationship. She hit me up, said, peyton, I'm really into health and wellness now, and I see that you're trying to get on the right track and stuff like that, and I just kind of miss you. I want to talk to you. I got an apartment is by your house. Come over. And I said, God bless. Bless you. I'm coming. I come over and she goes, hey, I'm a cook for you.

[A]

Oh. Oh.

[C]

I'm gonna jump to the end of the story. Her number is blocked right now. Cameron. She cooked me ground beef. My favorite. I love a good ground beef, especially if it's greasy. No grease in the ground beef. Greaseless ground beef.

[A]

Greaseless ground beef.

[C]

I was watching her cook this ground beef, and I said, you're doing something to me. I was feeling it. I was like, I love you. You love me. You know what?

[A]

I like smell it. Female pheromones.

[C]

You know, it starts my engine.

[A]

Yeah. Jet fuel.

[C]

She continues down her kitchen, and she goes, this is the magic part of the meal. And I said, oh, my God. She's about to put an exquisite seasoning.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

On this ground.

[A]

Something you've never even heard of.

[C]

She goes and grabs a banana. I swear to God, she grabs a banana. First of all, I said, be careful. She starts to peel the banana, cuts up the banana, puts it in the ground beef bowl. She serves me ground beef and banana and says, you don't know what's good until you had this. I looked at it, looked at her, flipped it, walked out. You don't have access to me anymore. Who are you? Who are you?

[A]

I would have immediately said, said. And you don't know how good your life's been with two eyes up to this point. Bananas and ground beef.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That is worse. I would argue that is worse than what my dog eats.

[C]

Dude, Cam. And she. I was like. Like, I was almost, like, giggling because I was like.

[A]

And she's like, no, it's funny. Take the take. For real? Yeah.

[C]

And she eats, like, carrots and peanut butter. She's not pregnant. Like, she's just sick in the head.

[A]

Who is this girl?

[C]

You know her.

[A]

No, I. No.

[C]

Yeah, it is her.

[A]

No, wait.

[C]

Yeah, no, it is her.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yep. No, it is her. I swear to you.

[A]

I just lost so much.

[C]

I almost did a second phone call just now to call it to. To confirm this beef and ban.

[A]

Was the beef seasoned?

[C]

No, because she's on this health thing.

[A]

Yeah. She's on, like, primitive grounds.

[C]

Yeah. It's disgusting.

[A]

She's like, let's do a carnivore diet.

[C]

It's honestly disgusting.

[A]

That's probably what it was. She's probably on a car.

[C]

She has this big ass dog in her house. And I'm glad I didn't take a bite of that ground beef banana because she was biting the. She was biting, using her fork, biting the ground beef banana, eating it up, swallowing that shit and then getting some for the dog. The dog was biting off the fork. I said she's.

[A]

Already. That as well. That is. Bro, you. Can we quickly recap just off the.

[C]

Top of my head.

[A]

Head. Some amazing interactions you've had with women.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You went to a woman's apartment where she served you beef and banana.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. You went to a woman's apartment where she had a flying squirrel.

[C]

It smelled like ass in there too. Smelled like a zoo.

[A]

You've gone on movie dates that were oh so bad.

[C]

You've gone on movie days are at 9am yeah.

[A]

You've gone on a 9am movie day. You've gone on dinner dates that were unacceptable.

[C]

Girls that didn't show up to h. Girl broke her nose playing basketball at Dave and Buster's. Grow up. She gave me an emerald pearl. What? Top golf. God damn, bro.

[A]

Oh my God. Can we. Okay, can we. Can we put it out here maybe? And it's up to you. Can we maybe throw it out here?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

They're coming soon.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

To Patreon. Maybe. Just maybe.

[C]

You know where I'm going.

[A]

Maybe. Hey, look at me.

[C]

20V1. What is a 20V1?

[A]

We bring in 20 various.

[C]

I can't.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because the girls that I do go on dates with, I'm like friends with them though. Like I have to be comfortable around you.

[A]

But I think that's the problem. I think that's the problem. You're friends with them, you like them, but then when you see the true self, it's. It freaks.

[C]

I can't go on dates with strangers.

[A]

You like this person. Then she's serving banana and beef to you with a fork she puts in her great Pyrenees mouth. And now you're like, up. Ick. See ya. You like this girl. She goes to Dave and Buster shoots a basketball. Breaks her nose.

[C]

That was cute though.

[A]

See ya.

[C]

That was cute though, because we need.

[A]

To not know the broad and just get her from ground zero.

[C]

No, I can't. I don't like telling. I'm so sick and tired of telling people my favorite movie, my favorite color. Like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like I Gotta explain to you my family tree again, I don't even know Paul.

[A]

Yeah, I thought I had a neural. Apparently there's a pj, there's a. There's somebody Marilyn with guitars and. Yeah, and you wanted him dead. And you wanted him dead. That is bizarre.

[C]

Without hits as a kid.

[A]

That is wicked, bro.

[C]

All right, well, fantastic episode. Get us out of here.

[A]

Fantastic episode. Appreciate any and everybody for coming Back to episode 138. You should know podcast, we absolutely love y'all. As P said in the intro, make sure to go over to the Facebook, the Patreon, the Twitch, the Discord Instagram, TikTok, all of it. It's all linked right here. All of your information that you need. And we are doing an amazing our best to date merch drop on Black Friday.

[C]

You'll be able to see that now. On Patreon, you'll be able to see that now.

[A]

If you're a Koala club member, you've already seen it. You've already seen the preview, the hints at it. It is fire. We love all the people that say they cannot wait to see it. And we cannot wait to see it on you. It is our favorite piece so far to date, so do not miss out. That is coming out on Black Black Friday. That is me as an enormous baby and I look very strange. I just look gooey. Yeah, like moldable. Anyway, confuse the casuals and get your good karma with this week's secret code. W U E Woo.

[C]

W U E. Hu. I don't know. What is it?

[A]

Where's Uncle Earl? Where is Uncle Earl? And his shredding guitars confuse the piss out of everyone. 1. And bring that good karma with Wu. That is spelled W U E. Where's Uncle Earl? We absolutely love you all. Cannot wait to see you back next week.

[C]

We love you. Remember, one out of ten qualifiers don't make it home to Christmas and we'll see you next time.

[A]

No, I had no clue.

[C]

We played guitar.