MEETING MY BEST FRIENDS KID! -You Should Know Podcast

Summary

You Should Know Podcast: Episode Summary
Title: MEETING MY BEST FRIEND'S KID!
Release Date: February 10, 2025

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Introduction and Reunion (00:39 - 04:31)

In this heartfelt and humorous episode, hosts Peyton Hardin and Cameron Kennedy reunite after a two-week hiatus, marking Cameron's return from paternity leave. The excitement is palpable as they introduce their newest family member, baby Malachi, sharing the joys and challenges of welcoming a child into their lives.

Notable Quote:

• Peyton: "Life is going to be a great episode."
  (04:10)

Welcoming Baby Malachi (04:31 - 20:55)

Peyton and Cameron delve into their experiences over the first two weeks of fatherhood. They discuss the overwhelming emotions, sleepless nights, and amusing incidents that come with having a newborn. Cameron narrates the vivid memory of the C-section birth, highlighting the raw and unfiltered reality compared to cinematic portrayals.

Notable Quotes:

• Cameron: "He doesn't know, he's like, this guy looks a little funny, but he feed me. So he just opens his mouth."
  (05:00)

• Peyton: "Every second that went on, it was just stronger and stronger... I would die for this kid right now."
  (12:09)

Navigating Parenthood's Highs and Lows (20:55 - 33:19)

The hosts candidly discuss the daily routines and the unpredictable nature of parenting. From dealing with constant feeding schedules to managing baby-induced exhaustion, Peyton and Cameron offer a relatable glimpse into the realities of being new parents. They humorously compare their coping mechanisms, emphasizing the deep bond formed with their child.

Notable Quotes:

• Peyton: "He looks like he is going to have a comb over and wear, like, a Luka Doncic jersey for Delta Alpha Psi."
  (24:48)

• Cameron: "I love being an amazing uncle already... Malachi is so cute."
  (22:44)

Adventures and Misadventures with Malachi (33:19 - 47:03)

Peyton shares an amusing encounter at Wingstop, detailing a peculiar interaction with other customers who placed overly specific and unusual orders. This story underscores the randomness and unexpected moments that come with parenthood.

Notable Quote:

• Peyton: "She orders extra, extra crispy wings for 35 minutes. I just laughed because it wasn't even..."
  (97:17)

The Soap and Lollipop Game (47:03 - 65:09)

In a lighthearted segment, Cameron introduces the "Soap and Lollipop" game, a trending challenge on TikTok. The hosts engage in this entertaining and messy game, showcasing their playful chemistry and ability to laugh at themselves.

Notable Quotes:

• Cameron: "This was the worst massage of my life."
  (61:46)

• Peyton: "I joined from the loop, the porcelain throne."
  (116:50)

Friend Stories and Shared Experiences (65:09 - 89:25)

The conversation shifts to anecdotes about mutual friends, including Ryan's firefighter school adventures. Cameron recounts Ryan's comedic attempt to assert himself as the class leader, leading to an unforgettable and embarrassing incident that left the entire class in stitches.

Notable Quote:

• Cameron: "Ryan was like, dude, he had like dodge it. He had like missing the quarter right there."
  (45:54)

Musings on Technology and Modern Life (89:25 - 115:37)

Peyton and Cameron engage in a whimsical discussion about vinyl records, smartphones, and the mysteries of modern technology. They ponder the mechanics behind these advancements, blending curiosity with humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Peyton: "I don't understand vinyls. I hate it. It's creepy."
  (93:36)

• Cameron: "How does it keep a memory drive? No, how like."
  (91:57)

Closing Remarks and Future Plans (115:37 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Peyton and Cameron express their gratitude to listeners for their support and announce upcoming tour dates. They also tease future content, including exclusive Patreon episodes featuring baby Malachi, promising more behind-the-scenes fun and intimate moments.

Notable Quote:

• Peyton: "Welcome, baby Malachi. You will make an appearance here eventually."
  (117:32)

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Conclusion

Episode 151 of the You Should Know Podcast offers a delightful blend of heartfelt moments, comedic tales, and genuine camaraderie between Peyton Hardin and Cameron Kennedy. Listeners are treated to an authentic portrayal of new parenthood, infused with the duo's signature humor and camaraderie. Whether sharing the tender moments of welcoming a child or navigating the quirks of everyday life, Peyton and Cameron create an engaging and relatable narrative that resonates with their audience.

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Disclaimer:
This summary excludes all sponsored segments and advertisements to focus solely on the core content and discussions of the episode.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Have I got news for you. Back for another season.

[A]

Roy Wood Jr, Amber Ruffin and Michael.

[B]

Ian Black are finding the funny in.

[A]

The week's biggest stories.

[B]

Have I got news for you. Return Saturday at 9 on CNN and stream next day on Max the you should know podcast. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the you should Know podcast episode 151. Round of applause. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey everybody, welcome back to you should Know podcast episode 151. If you're new here, if you haven't already, look below you subscribe button isn't pressed. You're wrong. If you leave it more below that and you see the comment section, is it fulfilled with your name? Guess what? Even more wrong. Go ahead and fill that out. This is the first episode in two weeks that is not pre recorded. We got co host Cam back from his paternity leave. That means Malachi is on earth with us. Round of applause. Vlog. We love that the first ysk baby is here. We're going to talk all things baby. Life is going to be a great episode. We have missed recording. We have missed you guys. Thank you guys so much for holding it down the past two weeks. I've loved the pre recorded episodes but guess what? We're back now. We're in real time. We love you, we love you, we love you. And happy Valentine's Day to everybody that's lucky enough to have somebody that loves them. Happy Valentine's Day to you youu know you should get them for Valentine's Day this podcast. Go and share that with everybody you love and you hate. We love you. Thank you for being here. Hit that subscribe button. We're on the road to 1 million subscribers. On to the rest of the episode you should know podcast. This episode is brought to you by friends and manscaped. Alright fellas, it's time to talk about personal grooming. Grooming isn't just about looking good. It's about good too. Whether you're suiting up for a big meeting, gearing up for a date, or just tackling the day, the right tools make all the difference. Take care of your skin and skip the cuts and irritation. Meet the beard and balls bundle from Manscaped. Your all in one grooming solution to keep you polished from head to toe, or more precisely, from beard to balls.

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

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[A]

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[A]

See that? That's a. That's a papa.

[B]

That's a dad gun.

[A]

Built in boppy. Now, what's a boppy? It's a thing you put around your waist when you feed him. But I don't need one because I already got it.

[B]

Let's, let's. Okay, let's make rules immediately before we start. Like, let's not the boppies playing tigers. Whatever you and Liv concocted at the crib, we're not starting it here. We're not doing that today. All right.

[A]

I love playing tigers of the live.

[B]

Explain to them what playing tigers is.

[A]

Playing tigers, you go for level one and you just play tigers. You get in that jungle, you do what you need to do, and then you're done.

[B]

Yeah, we're gonna get into you being the dad real quick. Okay, But I don't understand that the first thing, your kid is what, 14 days old?

[A]

Very, very fresh. Like, very new to the world.

[B]

He has no idea what's going on, anything. Yeah, he probably is. Like, is that my dad?

[A]

He doesn't know, he's like, this guy looks a little funny, but he feed me. So he just opens his mouth. Dude, the faces he makes is so cute.

[B]

Oh, my God. But why? Why are y'all already using lingo for your.

[A]

Oh, no. I said, hey, Liv, I want. I said, I want. But then she's like, they're sensitive ears. I said, sensitive. I said, me. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. But I was like, olivia, he doesn't know anything. He doesn't know a single word. He can't see past 8 inches. All he does, he barely opens his eyes.

[B]

Yeah. His eyes closed like this.

[A]

Like he doesn't know anything. So to me, yeah, like we. I need it. And it's. She's still not cleared. I'm sorry this episode's starting raunchy. But, man, I've been waiting.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. You're officially a dad. Congratulations, buddy. Congratulations.

[A]

Shout out to you, Malachi. My God, he's gonna see this.

[B]

Yeah, he's the person.

[A]

That's what playing tires is when he's like seven. No, that's way too young.

[B]

Way too young to show them the podcast.

[A]

Oh, not to show the podcast, but to understand sexual intercourse.

[B]

Oh, hopefully both. Hopefully both. It's too.

[A]

He's watching the podcast when he's like three.

[B]

I already showed him some clips.

[A]

Exactly. You showed him on his second day of life. He was like, you're like, this is uncle and dad. He's like doing that shit. No, it's. It is. It has been wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And boy, are they not lying when they talk about your.

[B]

Yeah, you look horrible. You look like you need three baths, dog. Like, this is not a good look.

[A]

Stink. You asshole.

[B]

But you look like you.

[A]

My eyes are heavy. I know. I probably have bags. Haven't had a haircut about a month. I look like a big ass seventh grader. It's just not. It's not it. But it is it in the same accord. Because it is such a blessing and it's fantastic.

[B]

How has it been? 14 days of being a dad around right, man, am I making that number up?

[A]

No, that's about right. Yeah, that's about right.

[B]

Happy two weeks.

[A]

He was. Oh, wait, today's two weeks on the dot.

[B]

Happy birthday, Malachi.

[A]

Happy two week anniversary, buddy.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's wild. It is wild, bro.

[B]

It is.

[A]

The ups are extremely up. I've said this. I said this on one of lives. Little tick tocks. I've said it to you like anything could be going on. As soon as you look at your kid. It's like, all gone. And you've experienced that, dude. You're like, dude, he's holding him. It's like you don't even think about anything else.

[B]

It's like. Like the world is innocent.

[A]

Like every, like, worry a little, like, magic eight ball that no matter what your question or worry is, it says, like, everything's good.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

Everything's fine. Everything's perfect.

[B]

Your chair is so squeaky.

[A]

God dang. I don't miss. I want to snap it off. But then the lows, right?

[B]

Yeah. Tell me about some of the lows.

[A]

Of being a dad. The lows. My son likes to poop and fart and has a lot of gas. So at that age, they can't control their own sphincter.

[B]

Yeah. So I barely can at my age. I'm working on it still. My shit's like a loose cannon, but.

[A]

His is like a clogged cannon. Difference you have. I. I have to put him through physio in, like, ab exercises every day for him to let out a. I have to grab his little legs and go, crunch him. Down he goes. He, like, grunts because it's, like, getting tight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He'll go all of a sudden and you just hear a fart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The gassiness and obviously the sleep because we have to feed him every two to three hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So those are the lows. But it's all worth it. And it'll be worth it. It's just. I mean, it's called the trenches for a reason. So we are fully muddied up in the trench. Trench warfare, World War.

[B]

We haven't talked about anything publicly. Like, we haven't talked about the first day. Anything.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Dude, take it.

[A]

Today, your first time medium was something wild.

[B]

We'll get into me. Well, let's talk about you. You were in. You were in there. You were. Guerrilla warfare. You were in there.

[A]

You were seeing things on ground. I was. I was on the front line.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. The day your son was born, two weeks ago. Tell me about that day.

[A]

So two weeks ago today, lives pregnancy plan did not go as planned. She had to end up having a C section. Kind of last minute. Wasn't like emergency C section where she was giving labor and they had to, like, do it right then and there. But she had a C section, so, of course that's the first thing. No one wants to see. A C section.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't let any macho guy tell you. Oh, you'll look right at it. No, you don't no.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

It's like your wife fell off of a building. It is like. It is. It is a rough sight. So it's just, let's call a spade a spade. Like the visuals. If you had to make a sound effect with what you're seeing, it'd be this. Just like a splat. Okay. So the way they do it now, they don't even give the husbands the chance to stand anymore. At least in our hospital, really, they go, too many husbands have passed out. So they put you on a stool and they put you right next to the mother.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm right next to Liv. I'm looking at her. She's numb as can be.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She is off the world's finest modern medicine. And she's just like this. How's it going? I'm like, it's all right, but there's a big curtain. And now it's like a car wreck too. God bless anyone that's been in a car wreck.

[B]

God bless you.

[A]

Or if you're going to be in a car wreck soon. Now that's strange. But hey, someone's going to. But let's.

[B]

Good God, what's happening?

[A]

I'm tired. I'm not even making sense. But I. I had to peek. I didn't want to peek, but I had to look once.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To say I could do it and say. And that I made it through. So I'm sitting there holding her hand, like, oh, love you, babe, it's going great. And one time she went. And I literally was like. I was like, it's going good, babe. Everything is great. And I was like, it's all good. But because it was a C section. She's on heavy medicine.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I was the first one to hold our kid.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So they brought him out, cleaned him up. First off, let's talk about the scene. Imagine you bought a quart of cottage cheese, Cameron. And you grab your baby and you went, bath time. And you went. And then a little bit of red hue, right, Cameron? Oh, it's rough. Their hair, it's like. It's like slimed to their head.

[B]

And you had a hairy ass.

[A]

Oh, my God, so much hair. He had a full head of hair. So after they cleaned off the cheese.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they got rid of the blood, he was then semi presentable.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Swollen as shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

His poor little face was hella swollen. Big hand, just mitts on the kids like this. And he was a little lighter than we expected. He's 7 pounds 6 ounces, but he was over 21 inches long and was like, this is the longest baby of the day. And I was like. But holding him for the first time. And when they come out C section, they're not really crying because I found that out afterwards. A vaginal birth is, like, squeezing him. That's what makes them get their first cry. So he was pretty, like, calm. Yeah, just holding him, bro. I'm not gonna lie. It's not like the movies say. And it's like, the second I looked into his eyes, I was like, you.

[B]

Know, like, the world change.

[A]

Magical, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like a pop for me. But it wasn't a very intense amount of love.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it wasn't like, you know, it's not like I felt, like, a tingle in my balls or something.

[B]

Yeah, no, I got you. I feel you.

[A]

But, I mean, every second that went on, it was just stronger and stronger, like. And it just grew to the point where an hour in, I was like, dude, I would. I would do pretty much anything for him right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He hasn't said a word. He doesn't know who I am. Eyes are barely even open.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would, like, die for this kid right now. So it was. It was very intense. All my emotions hit after we got back to the room, and the nurses came in. They were doing measurements, and live was. She was just asleep because all the medicine. And I just started crying, and it was just a lot.

[B]

Ugly crier.

[A]

I'm a nasty cry. I get bloodshot. It looks like I'm. Yeah. No, it's never like, oh, he's crying.

[B]

With his son's like, oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Get him a Kleenex. Like that. That' the type of cry I am. Cried, held him live. Finally came back, handed him off to his mama. That was a beautiful moment. And she was so loopy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That she was trying to cry, and just nothing came out. I said, are you faking this? I said, are you. Are you putting on a show? She was like, oh, he's so cute. I was like, what the. I was like, like, do you even love him?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, she was super loopy, but it was great, bro. It was crazy. And we had about an hour before, like, y'all and the family that was there got to come in and see him and stuff like that, and it was. It was fantastic. It was crazy, bro.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's honestly so insane because people have seen my reaction. Like, my genuine first time seeing your son.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My nephew and I. It was emotional, right?

[A]

It was.

[B]

It was. I Was. I was breaking down.

[A]

You came in, you were. You were fidgeting, you sweating.

[B]

I was.

[A]

The damn toenail slides on. In all moments, you come to a hospital in a matching slide thermos, sweatsuit, and toenail slides, okay?

[B]

Because I wasn't ready. Okay? So, like, I knew the whole day, like, malachi is going to be born today. And so I was already super anxious. Like, I was like, oh, shit.

[A]

Like, I got to do something.

[B]

Yes. And so then as the day went on, like, you weren't texting me, and so my. You know, my anxiety. I was freaking out, bro. I was like, like, when is he here? Like, is everything going good? And then you would text me, like, once every, like, four hours, dude. And you give me, like, the smallest of updates and then go ghost. And I'd be like, I get it, but damn, Like, I need to know what's going on. And so I was like, cj, we gotta go take pictures. Do something. Go to the mall.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we took these pictures from my Instagram, and then we went to the mall. And I couldn't eat, bro. I was like. I was really. Because I knew, like, any hour, like, Malachi's gonna be here, so I was just tripping. Like, I was standing alone by myself, stimming out. And then you FaceTime me, and you're like, he's here, bro. I lost my mind.

[A]

Patented screw said, oh, Liv. Then you said, we gotta go. I was like.

[B]

I do not sound like that when I'm excited.

[A]

When you get super excited, it's a vulnerable moment. You go, oh. Oh, that's your, like, that's, like, your real voice. It's like you've been code switching your whole life. And, like, no, that's. What is that?

[B]

What's my other voice sound like?

[A]

Like that. Like that right there. You. That's that. But when you get happy, you go, oh. It's like a higher pitch.

[B]

Yeah. So we immediately, like, left them all. I threw away my food. I swear to God, cj, didn't I? Yeah. Why? I was excited. I can't eat when I'm excited. And so I threw away my food. We got in the car, went straight to the hospital. Now, y'all pulled up quick. Pulled up quick. And I was, like, nervous. I had to pee. I peed a couple dribbles came out. Like, I couldn't get a full stream going. It was like I was pinching. It was like, who's like a leaky faucet?

[A]

Your penis. Your penis is a face. It's like, A mind of his own. It's like right when it goes back onto that big comforter, which is the underwear, it's like, ah, that tries to get snug.

[B]

And so we went up to the. To the floor, Right, with the hospital. What's it called?

[A]

The hospital?

[B]

No, but the floor where the baby's labor and delivery. Labor and delivery floor. Lnd smelled like.

[A]

Like labor. It smelled like latex. It's like an overwhelming scent of gloves.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, there's a bunch of placenta running around here. And so they. They told us what room you're in. You go to the room. I hear lolly. I hear automatically, you can hear her.

[A]

From a mile away.

[B]

And then you come around the corner. I saw you. You automatically look 30 years older.

[A]

I was tired.

[B]

I was like, this guy has been through some.

[A]

Oh. I'm like. I'm like, hey, he's here. I go for a hug.

[B]

And so I hugged you. I was. That's what got me going. I was like, oh, the waterworks are starting.

[A]

Physical touch.

[B]

CJ went into the room first, right? He went to record my reaction. I hand sanitized 30 times. I was like, I never used so much hand sanitizer in my life since yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. CJ's hands are sandpaper at this point.

[A]

CJ could light a match with his knuckles. That's how he steams shirts on tour with his hand. He's like, I got you.

[B]

Bro. I remember I walk into the room. I see Liv.

[A]

She's like this, oh, yeah, zombie.

[B]

Zombie. I look at the end of the room, and I just. I don't even see his face. I don't even see Malachi's face. I just see his body and his head with the little cap on it. And I was just like, dude, that is the most, like, precious thing that's on this earth. And so I was like, ah, damn.

[A]

You said, oh. You did a voice again.

[B]

And then. And then everybody I love is in there. Your mom's in there. Your dad's there. Liv's mom is there. I was like, kenzie was there. I was like, oh, this is. This is bad. And they're all looking at me like, oh, look who's here. I was like, don't look at me.

[A]

Like, stop.

[B]

And, yeah, and then I just remember I just peeked over to look at him. And, dude, it was the probably. That's probably top two moments of my life. Top one is probably, like, a hundred thousand subscribers.

[A]

Rightfully so. Yeah, rightfully so. Big milestone.

[B]

Hundredth Episode.

[A]

As soon as we hit a million, you go, my guy's gonna drop the third.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But he's definitely in a fluid position up there.

[A]

But that's good.

[B]

I just remember seeing him. I was like, dude, this is, like the craziest outer body. Like, it really is crazy. And I've never held a baby before.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you.

[A]

I made you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm so glad you did. I'm so glad you did.

[B]

Yeah. And so I went through this whole training process. I sat down, Kinsey was folding my arms. I was like, I don't know where to ask.

[A]

You said, all right, how do I hold? I said, well, not like that. That's a big gap. I go. Kenzie was like, yeah. I took that. Do that there, there, there. And I set him on you. And you were so afraid to even move.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, brother, you can get comfortable. You're like this, like, a hitch in your back. You're just like, hey, buddy. I was like, yeah, just hold the kid.

[B]

And the crazy part is, is that you hand them to me, which is the best part. It's like, damn, that. That little trans.

[A]

Passing of the torch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is your father now.

[B]

And I genuinely looked at him, and I was like, dude, like, I love this kid, and I. I hate babies. We're being honest here. They all look like little alien yolk to me. Like, it's like, they're not cute. And don't. If you see me in public, don't ask me to hold your baby. I won't do it. It's probably gross. That's Malachi. So it's different. That's my nephew. And I was holding him, and I was like, dude, this is, like, the greatest thing on Earth.

[A]

Yolk.

[B]

Like, they look a little egg, you.

[A]

Know, they look a little scrambled. Like, they're. They're pushing scrambled egg. They're just sitting there.

[B]

Yeah, but. And then he was just like. And he would peek at me every, like, one or two seconds, and he would make little mouth noises. And I was just talking.

[A]

His little noises were so cute. At the hospital, now they're like terror.

[B]

Screams at the hospital's like a cat.

[A]

I'm like, but, dude, it's. There's. It's, man. It is. It is highly important to keep your cool when you have a kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's just. It can very quickly become. Especially for the mothers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is like an actual thing. When a baby cries, it literally sends, like, signals and hormones that flush through their body.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Like, when it cries For. I mean, I would almost say maybe it does the same for a dad. Nowhere near to the extent, but I'm not a doctor.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

But, like, I definitely feel some type of way. But sometimes just the screaming, bro, it becomes. It's like a. It's like imagine the worst song you've ever heard and you hate it. And then someone, like, puts you in a car with the best system ever and blares it as loud as they can, and right when it ends, it restarts. It's like you can't get away from it, but it's. It's. It's so weird because you just want to. You almost don't mind it because you know they're crying for a reason, right? So it's like you hear it, you're really. It's really loud, it's really sad, but then you're just like, okay, what do we got to do? Mm. Because it's. It's. Dude, that's probably the hardest part is the fact that it's obvious when you just think about a concept of a baby, but when you think about your own, they cannot communicate. They literally can't.

[B]

The only thing you do scream, you.

[A]

Don'T know what they're crying for. Is it a dirty diaper? Do they have a burp that they didn't get out? Are they poopy? Do they want to eat? Are they so overstimulated? Are they tired?

[B]

Is there not inflection?

[A]

There's not. There's not, like, none of that. It is all just screaming cries, bro. You should know Podcast.

[B]

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[B]

Rest of the episode. So one thing I can say about your son, right? Me and him have spent some time together. We've had some quality conversations, right?

[A]

Oh, my God. When he came back from your house the other day, his head smelled like Louis Vuitton meteor. And I was like, damn, that's good. I said, shit. I gave him a kiss and I went. I was like, peyton. I said, how the hell. I said, is he here? I looked around. It is your cologne.

[B]

Yeah. So I. I love your son. Like, I love him. I'll love him till the day I die.

[A]

He loves you.

[B]

But let me be honest about Malachi, right?

[A]

Okay. What are we about to say?

[B]

I love him, right? I. I hold him and I just. I just stare at him. Be careful. I hold him and I stare at him like, dude, he is so cute. If I stare too long, I'm like, that's Cam. I'm like, I'm holding.

[A]

It's my thing. You go.

[B]

You can't do that.

[A]

No, Cam, get the dude.

[B]

No, genuinely, I'll be like, so enamored by how cute this thing is. If I look too long, I'm staring at you, bro. And I'm like. I'm like, why do I find this thing so cute? I'm like. I'm like, is this weird that I'm finding my best friend so cute right now? Like, it's a little bald cage.

[A]

I'm going to start looking at you, like, doing all the faces. No, it's so. It is strange, bro. Live in the middle of the day. She'll just be holding him, we'll set him down, whatever, feed him. And she'll just look at me and be like. And I'm like, I don't. Like, we playing tigers or what? Why are you staring so direct at me? But no, it's, it's. And you can attest to this when he came out, because he came out with swelling. Not saying like, live swollen, but his face was a lot different. And he looked a lot more like Liv.

[B]

A little more ethnic in him.

[A]

Yeah. And he had more of a shoe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

More melanin.

[B]

A little more.

[A]

Now he looks like an accountant.

[B]

Yeah, that's a white boy, Alan.

[A]

Like, he looks like, he already owns a pair of baby overalls and a baby clipboard. Yeah, but, bro, when he came, it was so weird because when he came out, everyone that whole night was like, oh, my God, Live. He's got your nose, your lips, your face. Like, he's. He's so live.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Three days is all it took for him to literally look like I gave birth. I was like. Or I, like, pulled him off my rib. I was like, yeah, just a direct, like, extension of me. He's my twin.

[B]

But it's literally, like, to the point where he's. He looks like he is going to have a comb over and wear, like, a Luka Doncic jersey for Delta Alpha Psi. Like, that's your son. Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's not an NBA prospect right there. That is an accountant.

[A]

That's my son. That's a D2 at best. That's a. That's a. Hey, sit in the corner and really work on your jump shot and have fun with some video games and make some friends. Yeah, that's my son. Yeah. No, but he. He's gonna get. He's gonna get a couple traits from Liv. He still has Liv's lips.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Lord knows I don't have any lips. I mean, I have decent lips. CJ has better lips for comfort.

[B]

You have no lip.

[A]

I have. I have decent lips.

[B]

You have no lips. I feel like when you kiss, you kiss with a lot of teeth. I feel like you're allowed to grill first. You know what I mean? A lot of bites.

[A]

Come here, babe. She's like.

[B]

It has to do with it.

[A]

No, I. I would. I would like to say I'm a decent kisser, but you'll never find that out directly. Maybe. Maybe a drunken night. I go, I love you, bro.

[B]

Like, there's so much chin.

[A]

Makes me get home sick. What if I would do.

[B]

You would do it.

[A]

I'm tired. I'm pretty exhausted. Give me a pass. But no, he. He still has her nose and her lips.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

His hair. His hair is a lot of it. It's straight, but once we wet it, it curls. So I think. I think it's. So we still.

[B]

This jury's still out on that.

[A]

Jury's still out on the hair, eye color.

[B]

Where we at, dude?

[A]

So newborns have a grayish, like, kind of just like dust. Little wolfie, like, you know, you vacuum and then you look at the filter and just kind of dust.

[B]

The strange thing to compare your son's eyes to, but, yeah, it's pretty accurate.

[A]

Though look at your back. You go look at the little thing. When all that shit's in there, it's like a dusty just hasn't developed. But in certain shades of the light.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you move a skull. Yeah. They're very blue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm like, they might. He might have blue eyes. If imagine. Now let's just think about this.

[B]

Think about it.

[A]

He's copy pasting me, right?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I'm a decent looking guy. Not now I'm not. I'm not a 10, right?

[B]

No, you're a solid 7.2.

[A]

Eight. Damn, she a nine. She ain't no 11, but damn, she a dime. So I'm like a six though. Okay.

[B]

You know I would give you 7.2 with a haircut.

[A]

I'll take a 7.2. I don't have a haircut, so right now I'm six.

[B]

Wow. I'd lower that one.

[A]

But if he's. If he's copy and paste of me throwing a little bit of melon, like an under the table deal, still give him the blue eyes. Yeah, but he has dark curly hair as well. Maybe that skin hits a little olive tone by his three.

[B]

Yeah, he might be. He might be a problem.

[A]

He might be a pretty. Might cause some hell yeah. He might cause some havoc. And your daughter's hearts are gonna hurt. I'm kidding. I want him to be a great man, just like me. I want him to be a one woman man. And just when he's in a relationship, he loves her or likes her. Hell, y'all don't know what love Is it 16 and 15?

[B]

Not at all.

[A]

No, not a shot, dude.

[B]

One thing about him that I have learned is I think he's gonna have your. Like how you use your hands all the time. Like how you're always like this. Dude, your son, bro Malachi is always using his hands. And that has a gorilla grill. He does.

[A]

He's like, like, dude. He's like, get it, dude. He grabbed his own hair the other day. He was so uncomfortable. He was like. He just grabbed it chunk. He's like, yeah, okay. I have to tell you one thing.

[B]

Tell me how to tell you one.

[A]

Thing about his faces, bro.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

So we have these. It happens daily.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so funny. We have these intimate moments because we're like, okay. Parents can attest to this. They say, when your baby's gonna go to sleep, don't change anything.

[B]

Right.

[A]

About your lifestyle. Be just as loud if you bang a pot. Bang a pot. If you have your TV on 60. Have your TV on 60.

[B]

That's loud.

[A]

The quicker you can get them adjusted to that, the less time your life you'll have to spend, like, tiptoe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's hard to do, though, baby. And you just really want to go to sleep. You naturally, like.

[B]

Yeah, I just want to put him down. Yeah.

[A]

So we feed him. This is daily. We feed him and we're sitting there rocking him, right? And we go to burp him. And when he's up here to burp every single time, eventually he will get, like, super tired. He's basically asleep. And then I'll take him down here to go back to rock, do the last like, five, ten minutes and really put him out. And he will open his eyes and he will give you the craziest face ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it is so hard not to laugh out loud. It is unbelievable.

[B]

What does he do?

[A]

Just yesterday, take him off. And I'm looking at him right here, right? And I'm just rocking like this. And he opens his eyes real quick. He goes. And then he goes.

[B]

Dog, you look just like him.

[A]

And that's literally what he does.

[B]

Look just like him, bro.

[A]

Literally what he does. He'll go cross eyed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, do that with his lips. Liv calls him a little monkey boy. Now, I didn't sit. Now.

[B]

No, that can't. You can't say that. You can't say that. No, you can't say it.

[A]

In a court of law. I don't say it. You can live. Calls him a little monkey. A little monkey boy.

[B]

You've been waiting to get that off. You've been waiting. You're like, yeah, call me.

[A]

Give me the monkey. Ah. It's sounding harsh and it's not supposed to be. He's my son. If he looks like a monkey, damn it, he does. But again, Liv calls to look at that one Interview the play. Liv calls him a little monkey, but because like. Like, not even.

[B]

He does make little, like, little faces. Yeah.

[A]

He literally does that. And it's so. Bro, it's so cute when you do that.

[B]

You look just like him. I know.

[A]

I was. Because I was explaining it to live, too. I was like, isn't it? He just does the craziest of faces. She's like, cameron, you need to stop. Like, you're creeping me out. Yeah, but it is so hard because if you laugh, you'll be like. And you move him. And then he's like. Like he wakes up, dude, that is one of the. That's one of the funnest Things so.

[B]

Far, I have a thing that we're probably gonna debate, Right? But before we get into that, man, I gotta be honest.

[A]

Him. I'm ready to wax that ass first.

[B]

Your son, he looked at me cross eyed, and I. I was like, cam, what the, dude? I was like, I thought that was per. I didn't know. Put it back, Put it back. I sort of got in the car ride back from the hospital. I googled, is it normal for. For babies to be cross?

[A]

I didn't know either. I thought his foot was broken. When he got here, his foot, this part of his foot was touching his shin. And I literally said, I. I walked over to the doctor, I went, hey, doc, that broken? I said, is he gonna wear a cast, like. And then they said, no, we're checking for broken clavicles right now too. Brother came out with his arm like this and he was like. I said, this man just couldn't make it easy on us. He just couldn't make it.

[B]

Yeah. First time I held her, he looked at me cross eyed and I was like, you got to close that brother, bro. Yeah.

[A]

And it's random.

[B]

So it looked up.

[A]

Why they do it? It's just completely random. They don't know shit.

[B]

Yeah. They don't control anything.

[A]

It's like.

[B]

It's like a little bobblehead.

[A]

He'll just sit there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can I tell you something? Tell me that's gonna make you throw up.

[B]

Probably not.

[A]

Oh, it probably will.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Maybe not.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You don't know how much money it.

[B]

Costs to have to have him.

[A]

Do you want to know how much money it cost to have Malachi Anthony?

[B]

Kitty, it costs money to have a kid.

[A]

Does it cost money to have a kid? I'm gonna tell. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna disclose what we paid because there's insurance.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And hopefully, if you ever plan on having a kid, anybody in the world, please get insurance first.

[B]

Because it's. It's best.

[A]

Please get insurance first.

[B]

Worse than my toll road.

[A]

Please get insurance. Please get insurance first. That kid before deductions before, like this. Nowhere near what we paid.

[B]

Yeah. This is like.

[A]

I'm not gonna disclose that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the actual bill before insurance jumps in deductibles, all that shit. 64 grand. $64,000.

[B]

Liv might get mad. He's not cute enough for 64,000. That's not. That's not a $64,000 baby.

[A]

I go, hey, a 64,000 kid shouldn't have a broken foot in cross eye. I said, if he's 64 grand. He needs to come out in product glasses, a cute little sweatsuit, and he needs to be speaking by week one.

[B]

Be able to dab me.

[A]

He better not keep me up at night. He's 64 grand. Are you nuts?

[B]

$64,000.

[A]

64 grand. One more token for you, right?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

The first couple nights when we got home very rough, and we just. It wasn't even, like, flirting with the idea. I just looked it up because I didn't really even know it was a thing. Night nurses.

[B]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Night nurses. 12 hour shifts. The average for a night nurse is 25 to $60 an hour. 12 hour shifts. If you were to employ a medium level night nurse every day of the week, that is $8,000 a month.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

And I said, nope. Looks like we're thugging through it. Pass them to me. I'm, like, dead asleep.

[B]

Cam.

[A]

64 grand to have that kid.

[B]

What? Okay, but you said levels of night nurses. What's like a low level night nurse? Like, one that can barely get under.

[A]

She's just like. Like. Like this person's like. She's eating my snacks. She's like this. I go, hey, keep it down. And then, like, the. The top levels, they're like. They're doing the perfect. They're, like, rubbing his little belly, grabbing his butt, and he's like. I wake up, he's like this. He's, like, wide awake and fine. No, I'm just like. Like, different rates. Like, I just said, like, medium level. Like, in terms of not the 25, but not the 60.

[B]

Yeah, bro.

[A]

Bro, lick if you want to.

[B]

I'm becoming a night nurse.

[A]

You want to make some breesh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get good with babies, dude.

[B]

That's a great. Good with babies.

[A]

Go get your little nurse degree. Whatever the hell they have to do a dupa. What is that, Duna, brother, I have.

[B]

No idea about babies.

[A]

What is it? A doula. A doula.

[B]

Dua leaper.

[A]

I'm trying to mow her to do.

[B]

A feature, but, yeah, something we got we might debate about. Right?

[A]

Talk to me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Smoking that ass. I'm gonna roll that ass in the backwood.

[B]

It might just upset you a little bit.

[A]

Okay. Okay, now farting my joint. Smoke that ass.

[B]

Something. Okay, so whenever you're. Before Malachi was born, I always had this thing.

[A]

Happiness.

[B]

No, we're back to comedy podcast. So before you had him, I was like, hey, I don't know if I'm gonna like him. Like, I don't. I don't know if we're going to have that bond, cuz I owe. I owe nothing to him. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I. I owe no loyalty. Like, I didn't choose no loyalty. I don't. Right.

[A]

Like, we don't owe to Pierce either, but we like Pierce.

[B]

How hairy he was as a baby. Oh, his shoulder.

[A]

He probably came out.

[B]

Yeah, he did get his donuts, but, yes, donuts.

[A]

Good man.

[B]

So before you had your kid, I was like, ah. Like, I'll be happy. Like, damn, that's sick. But like, it's documented. I've said that on the podcast.

[A]

Yeah, but that's still.

[B]

But I was completely wrong.

[A]

There you go. You loved him the second once he.

[B]

Was on this earth and I laid eyes on him. I love him now. I have to break something to you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I might love him more than I love you.

[A]

See, now that's. Now that's bull.

[B]

I might love your son more than I love you.

[A]

That's not okay.

[B]

I think that's what's happening.

[A]

Okay. Why no me no nephew. Me gone. Malachi gone.

[B]

I think I can say the same thing on your end. You love your son more than you love me. Right?

[A]

You gone. Malachi still here.

[B]

Not true.

[A]

Very true.

[B]

No. I put you and Liv together.

[A]

Me? Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Yes, I did. Without me, you and Liv would have never made coitus.

[A]

No, you were like a Steve Harvey. You were a great host and a good combiner of it. But no. But no. We would have made coitus without you. We would have made.

[B]

You played tigers.

[A]

I would have played the hell out of some tigers.

[B]

I know. Honestly, I think I love you son more than.

[A]

There's no way you love him more.

[B]

Because he doesn't give me the headaches. You do. Like, he looks just like you. It's miniature, and it's like a fresh slate. Like, I don't know all the bullshit that comes with, like, you. I know, like, a lot of yapping. All my food's gone.

[A]

He's gonna need food in an hour. He's gonna talk my ear off. Yeah, okay. From that perspective, I understand it. I would challenge you. You know what would make you immediately love me more again? Spend 24 hours straight with him.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

I want to see you in those trenches.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to see you at the brink of tears, but not even. Cause just because you're think so, Dude.

[B]

No, honestly, when he came to my house, right? And that's the first time I saw him be fed and burped. When he did that little spit up, and it looked like yogurt coming out. I was like, don't want him anymore. Get him out.

[A]

I was like, get him off my couch.

[B]

He was like, yeah, it's a very expensive sofa.

[A]

My couch is more expensive than him. I go, 64 grand. You go, oh, my God, bro. Yeah, He. There's no okay from that standpoint. I can give it to you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

From overall realistic life, there's no shot you love him more?

[B]

100%. And I think it would even get.

[A]

Worse if it was me or him. You had to say one. Who?

[B]

Malachi.

[A]

You.

[B]

You. You've had. You've had your run.

[A]

I've had 26 years. Let him have some stinky 26 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He needs to grow up. I appreciate that.

[B]

And he's got fresh hips now.

[A]

If it was you or him, though.

[B]

Me or him?

[A]

Yeah. If I had to save one.

[B]

Oh, you'd definitely pick Malachi. Really? You would?

[A]

Oh, no. I'd go. Get out. Get my son. I'm kidding.

[B]

No. Okay. But one thing that I argued with Pearson C.J. about. Right.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

When we left the hospital right after Malachi was born, I was so, like, on a high, an adrenaline rush.

[A]

You were.

[B]

I have already had 15 pictures of him in my camera roll the first hour he was alive, his life. I said, dude, you know how on iPhones you can make multiple screensavers? Lock screens?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, I want to make Malachi, your son, one of my lock screens. Okay. C.J. and Pierce said, that's the weirdest shit in the world. Is that weird?

[A]

That's not that weird.

[B]

So you wouldn't mind I'm unlocking my phone.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And just your.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your son is on my.

[A]

Now. Is it just my little squish? Like no one else, not even you holding him? No, just like him on the sitting room like that.

[B]

Just like this? Yeah.

[A]

I don't think it's weird.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't think it's weird. Like, it's. It's just a different level of love.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Be honest.

[B]

I see a little bit.

[A]

You don't have yourself right now. You have, like, a quote. Yeah. So to go from a quote to my kid, and you're not even holding them. It's like. I mean, I don't like hesitation. I appreciate it, and I respect it, and I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I can. I guess I could see what they're saying is weird, but. But they're little boys.

[B]

They're little boys.

[A]

They don't know that love yet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't know that. Right.

[B]

So you wouldn't mind?

[A]

No, I think you should do it. Okay. I think. I mean, that'd be sick.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

Okay, but is it the one where it changes every time you lock it?

[B]

I was thinking about it. Cause I have so many, and I don't know which one.

[A]

You should do that. You should get a funny picture with him and you, and then that could be it.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm not in the position yet. I don't feel safe around him. His neck isn't strong enough to where I feel like I can move him too much. So I just hold them and I sit still.

[A]

I can't hold the neck.

[B]

Yeah. I don't like when y'all do crazy.

[A]

You can hold the neck, like, with this.

[B]

Yeah, it's like y'all poached him when y'all do that. I don't like it, like, when y'all hold him like that. Like, it's like. Like. Like a geese, y'all just shot out of the sky.

[A]

I don't like when y'all do that.

[B]

Yeah, I genuinely don't like when you hold them like that.

[A]

But you have to. They can't. They can't control their neck at all. Okay, first off, bring it in. You're an amazing uncle already. You've only been on this earth for two. Two weeks. You're an amazing uncle. Y'all are amazing uncles.

[B]

I almost got him some amiri shoes.

[A]

Oh, dude, live was hype.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I sent that picture and I was like. I was like. This mother was like, he's already looking at stuff. And she goes, what is he looking at? I go, oh, these shoes. She goes, oh, my God, those are cute. If he doesn't get them, I'll tell him to buy him and I'll send him the money for him. And I was like. I was like, dude, his big toes, like, still crooked and broken. He's not gonna be wearing shoes for a while. She was obsessed with those. But whenever you see this bubby, know that we all love you. And this is, like, right when you refresh and gooey still. But enough of you. I'm not gonna lie, big dog, I love you.

[B]

And your hands were weird when you were born.

[A]

And I just wanna put that. Fingernails are brown. Your hands were white like a little witch. Like a chicken foot. Like, honestly, his hands were like chicken feet. Just nasty. No, you did not.

[B]

You lie. I was disgusted. It was so nasty.

[A]

You lied, bro.

[B]

It was gross.

[A]

No, his feet were. His hands were nasty, purple brown. Nails dead. His nails were brown. His hands were white as snow. And he was like this, like, throwing up sets and massive mitts. He was like, yeah.

[B]

You're like, look how. Look at his hands. I said, oh, wow.

[A]

Then they came in. They go, we got some eye drops for him. And I go, okay. They're like, it just really helps. It clears out any bacteria that might have went through during the birth process. I was like, okay, go for it.

[B]

It.

[A]

I turned my back to shoot a part for Liv's vlog.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I come back around. It looks like he was, like, shot with, like, toaster strudel dressing on the top. It's just glazed in, like, all over. I'm like, what the hell happened to drop? She's like, oh, it's more of a paste. It melts in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He had the on his eyes for, like, three hours. And every person that grabbed him, I was like, hey, he's got to. Those aren't his eyes. That's not natural. That is aftermarket stuff on his eyes.

[B]

On baby number two. I'm gonna. I'm gonna wait about a week and a half for before I meet him.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Don't want to see that part?

[A]

You already saw it on one.

[B]

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[A]

You should know podcast in my hiatus.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Which I'm so glad it's over. So glad to be back with, you should know, family and with y'all.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In my hiatus, a lot of happened. I bet a lot of happened.

[B]

We haven't talked in so long.

[A]

The first One I absolutely have to bring up up is our dear beloved friend Ryan. He started firefighter school.

[B]

Congratulations. Ryan started fire school.

[A]

It's going good. He's grinding through it. But, boy, there is a story that he told me that I have to relay on his behalf. And it is so, so funny. Second day of firefighter school. The. There's 30 people and his class is all men. There's a couple girls in the other classes, but his happen to be all men. 30 guys.

[B]

That's lame.

[A]

We supposed to look at 30, 30 guys, okay? The instructor is like a 60, 65 year old retired firefighter. For years, he just teaches the classes. Now he's like a hard ass. He goes, someone's got to be a leader, and I'm not picking him.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

This guy Dave stands up, he goes, I'll be the leader. All right? So this guy Dave appoints himself as the class leader. This is 30 grown men, right? Think about it. Another guy said, I'll be it.

[B]

Yeah. It's a bold. That is a bold proclamation.

[A]

Bold statement. That was first day of class. Second day of class, they show up early in the morning, right? And Dave gets everybody there and goes, everybody line up.

[B]

Hell no.

[A]

He lines him up, okay? Dave lines him up like a drill sergeant line.

[B]

And he's starting to walk.

[A]

This is another random, like, dad, okay? And he's talking to all these guys. He goes, you need to find your why. We are firefighters. You need to find your why, okay? So you got to find out why you're here and what you're really fighting for. Our job is seriously meaningful. We save souls. Given this speech. The instructor. The instructor comes in and literally goes, who told you to get in this? And he's like, his hand's right here.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Dude, hands over his mouth. He goes, who told you to get in this line? They go, dave. Then he looks at Dave. Dave's giving his speech. And he walks up to him, like, think about how intimidating this is. He has his hand over his mouth. He goes, you know we're never gonna be in this formation, right? He goes, oh, okay, sir. I was just trying. He goes, so did anybody give you instructions? He goes, oh, well, no. Took his hand off his mouth and goes, well, then shut the up and screamed. Screamed right at his face. Spit. Spit. Flew and got on his face. The other guys in the line were like, like jumped back. It went. Spit, got in his face. And then he goes. He literally. So apparently Dave has a. He's wearing a cord that represents he's the leader. Oh, the instructor rips the cord off his jacket, throws it into the back, says, get the out of here. And says, I need a new leader. Oh, in front of 29 other grown men.

[B]

That's so rough. Ryan said when the cord was thrown.

[A]

Ryan was like, he had like dodge it. He had like missing the quarter right there.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

[A]

That happens. They do their little field practice thing, whatever it is. They go inside. There's another guy in the class.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Ryan says he's bald. He's got teeth, right?

[B]

Jagged teeth, like a rottweiler.

[A]

Yeah. And he talks very strange, like slow and a little and stuff like that.

[B]

A little Forrest Gumpy.

[A]

Yeah, little gumpy. Little bubba. Shrimp.

[B]

Bubble gum.

[A]

Bubble gum shrimp.

[B]

Little forest gump with a little wick teeth. It's all right. Little assistance on the teeth. A little cheese and milk to the front door. All right, we get it.

[A]

Oh. So they were in the class and the instructor was still hype. And that guy raised his hand to ask a question. So completely bald. Like completely bald teeth, talking weird. He goes, I just wanted to know and ask a question. Instructor goes, what'd you say? Ghost story. He called him Ghost story.

[B]

That guy's a. That's a. That's just an. That's crazy.

[A]

It's not over the next day, the. The Dave guy. Yeah, that's a fake name, of course. But the Dave guy comes up to the class. He comes in like a crew neck. It's like blue, and they're supposed to wear certain things. He goes, what the. Did I tell you about wearing this crew?

[B]

Now he's gotta quit. They gotta leave.

[A]

Oh, my God. He told me that. He actually told me that when we were still in the hospital.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've been sitting on that. I was crying. I was absolutely crying when he told me that. Ryan said it was the single handedly most embarrassing thing he's ever been a part of. And he was just like this, this, like standing at attention while all this is happening.

[B]

I'm trying imagine like that story is funny on its own. Imagine just looking at Ryan the whole time. Oh, my go.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

If you and Ryan were in the same room when that happened.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Y'all would have got kicked out.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

There's no chance.

[A]

I wouldn't have been a firefighter, bro.

[B]

There's so much that has happened since this two weeks off. Oh, man. I have a. I have a story as well.

[A]

Oh, my God. Let's hear it.

[B]

You know, I've only gotten one Massage in my life. Like a real massage. Went to a masseuse one time.

[A]

You enjoyed it?

[B]

I. I loved it, yes. It was at a normal chain, like, Massage Envy. Like, it's like a regular, like the McDonald's of massages. Easy. You go in there, they just rub.

[A]

You down a little oil, get you out.

[B]

So smooth, so easy, right? Me and CJ have been lifting a lot like this last week. Finally went back going, you know what I mean?

[A]

CJ's calves are in hell.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He's been limping all over the place. So we were so sore this one day, right? And then we had somebody doing work at the house, so we couldn't be in the house. So we had a whole day to just off. Just do whatever.

[A]

Right, Cool.

[B]

So the first thing we did, we went and got our. We got some patties, right? My toe.

[A]

My toes are nice now.

[B]

Yeah, they put it. They were a little jagged.

[A]

No, they were talking shit. Yeah, they were doing your feet.

[B]

So then we got. We got our toes done, right? We're sitting in the car, like, what else? Because they're still working on the house. We're like, damn, we're sore. Let's go get a massage.

[A]

Elbow to that spinal.

[B]

Yeah, let's go get a massage, right? We were looking at all these different massage places, right? We're looking at massage envy booked up. We're looking at all these, like, big chain massage places, but they're. They were all booked up. We couldn't.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Then we found this one little massage place. It was like a Thai massage place, right?

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

Ducked off somewhere. We. I never heard of it. Never been to this side of the town right now.

[A]

Oh, this side of the town. No, no, no.

[B]

Like, here we go.

[A]

Here we go. Strap in.

[B]

I've just never been over there, Right?

[A]

Yeah. Why would you.

[B]

No, but it wasn't one of those. Let me make it clear. It wasn't like. Oh, like a massage place. There we go. Like, where you give a hundred dollars and you. You get a little relief. It wasn't one of those. It was. It was an establishment.

[A]

Right, Good, good. Thank you.

[B]

So we walk into this massage. They have openings, right? For me and cj.

[A]

Nice, Right? Did you get a couples.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Individual. I don't want to be next to him when I'm getting rubbed down. Right.

[A]

I wouldn't mind it.

[B]

I bet you would.

[A]

I think he'd put off some good aura.

[B]

And so I was thinking it was going to be a normal massage, like how I experienced At Massage Envy. Just rub me down, get me out of there, right? We walk into this massage place. They hand me a paper, and it's a waiver. They hand me a waiver, and I.

[A]

Go, well, that's semi normal, okay?

[B]

I didn't know if this was for my protection or yours. Like, so whatever, I signed it, right? She goes, okay, follow me to the back, right? She takes me to the room at the back of this massage place. I'm on my phone, right? Walking, following her.

[A]

Of course you are.

[B]

Out of nowhere, I hear a loud thud, right? She falls. She falls down, hits the ground hard as shit camp. Like it wasn't, like a graceful fall. Like there might have been a broken bone. And she gets up so quick, like she was doing a basketball drill, dog. Like. Like she was timed on the get up, and she was like. And she was, like, over apologetic to me, to the point it got awkward, dog. I'm sorry. And I was like, you're fine.

[A]

Are you okay?

[B]

She gets me into this room, right? She gets me into this room. She goes, take your clothes off. Leave your drawers on. And I said, well, that was gonna happen regardless. I'm taking my clothes off, right? And I start to examine the room. So dark in there. Like, so dark. I look up at the ceiling. There's two bars on the ceiling parallel to the bed. And I'm like. I'm gonna get. Like, this is. Like, this isn't right. Like, I don't know what these bars.

[A]

There's wrist hooks and stuff.

[B]

Yeah, it was a little wicked. A candle going on, very sexual music. And I said, I'm. I'm not comfortable. I take off my clothes. I leave my drawers on, right?

[A]

Oh, thank God.

[B]

I get. I get into the bed, I put my face down in the thing, right? Four seconds later, door swings open. She goes. It was a different lady. She goes, different lady. Like, different.

[A]

The first lady was just a receptionist.

[B]

Different lady comes in, right? But she comes into this room with so much aggression, right?

[A]

Oh, like.

[B]

Like, aggressive. Like she was ready, Swings the door open, slams it. Hello. I look back, I'm like, hello. Now, I don't care about this, right? It doesn't matter. But it is important to the story, right? Well, the best way to describe it.

[A]

Say it.

[B]

Well, I. I don't care. I really don't care about this. But it is the only reason I'm saying this because it was. It's important to the story, right?

[A]

Right. I'm a faint.

[B]

What's. What's the best way to describe.

[A]

She Was big.

[B]

No. Okay. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, she was. She was a little larger, which is fine.

[A]

No, I'm not laughing. Not laughing.

[B]

No, it's not laughing.

[A]

Cuz he's. He's trying to be super polite.

[B]

I'm trying to. Cuz it. It doesn't matter. Okay. Right. She was larger. I didn't think anything of it, but I just have to say that for what's about to happen in the story. Right, Right. So she. I look at her and I'm like, okay, that's fine, because she's just gonna rub me down. Oh, but y'all are making it bigger than what it is.

[A]

It's just context.

[B]

Right? So.

[A]

So she.

[B]

She begins to, like, rub me down on my back. Normal. No.

[A]

Feel great.

[B]

No. Because there's no oil.

[A]

She was what?

[B]

She was dry rubbing my back.

[A]

I was giving you a burn.

[B]

Yeah. And I said, ooh, ooh, ooh, ow. Yeah. But then she starts to, like, examine my body. Like, she's grabbing shit, like, legs. Yeah. She's getting in me. And I'm like, when does the massage start? And she goes, no, I'm not gonna do the accent. Cause that's not important. Like, I'm not. But I'm telling you, there was an accent with it. Yeah, I'm just saying for the story. Don't do that.

[A]

I'm not. Okay, okay. All right, all right.

[B]

So she's like, do you play sports? And I go, kinda. And she was a lie.

[A]

It's a bold face.

[B]

Well, already, you know me. I don't like to talk during appointments. Don't talk to me.

[A]

Guys, you weren't scrolling on your phone, like, under the thing?

[B]

No, my phone was right beside my ear.

[A]

You're kidding.

[B]

I was creeped out by that. I don't know what's above me.

[A]

I don't have voice recording.

[B]

Said, yeah. And she goes, do you work out? And I go, yeah, I do. And she goes, your muscles are really tight. And I go, yeah, I know. That's why I'm here. And then she goes, that kind of makes sense, right? And she goes, how old are you? And I say, 25. She goes, oh, this is no good. First of all, you're making me feel bad already. I'm not here for this.

[A]

You're giving me back burns.

[B]

Yeah. And then she's like, okay, she gets up off the bed. My face is down.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, timeout.

[B]

Like, she's, like, kind of on the bed, like, where I can feel her, like, her knees, like, on the side of me. Right? Like, she's up, right? She's up.

[A]

Like, she's, like, mounted on the bed already.

[B]

Oh, wait for this. Oh, wait for this. She gets up off. I feel. I feel her get off the bed, right? So I'm face down, eyes wide open, confused at what's about to happen. My back's exposed. I don't. I don't know what the going on, dog.

[A]

If there's a POV camera, you're like, dead ass.

[B]

I swear to God. She jumps. I, I. Y'all think I'm kidding. She jumps on me. Her knees. Her knees are in my thighs, brother. She's mounting me like, she's about to hump. Like, her. Her pelvis is on my ass, dog, and she's going to town on me, brother. Like, she, like, she. She's in my, bro. I'm. I'm not comfortable. I'm literally like this. I'm getting my ran through right now, dog. I'm like, yeah. So right after that, she's doing that for a minute, bro. Like, a while. She puts her face right by my ear, dawg. And she. She has the goal. I swear to God, she has the goal to ask me, do you want feet? I said, I'm looking at her mouth right here. She goes, do you want feet? And I say, what does that mean? She goes, do you want me to stand on your back? I say, not to be partial here, man, but you would kill me, like, dog. Like I said, I said, you want to stand on my back? And she goes, yeah, that's what these are for. She's gonna hold those rails and step on me. And I said. I said, my ass is sore already, man. You. You've been in me. I said, no, I'm okay. She goes, it'll feel really good. And she. I was like, no, I'm okay. Maybe next time.

[A]

She goes, no, though, right?

[B]

She goes, goes, okay. She goes back to mounting position. She's on me, right? She goes, put your hands behind your back.

[A]

I said, you talk.

[B]

She puts my hands behind my back and cuffs them with her hands. She doesn't have, like, the fuzzy cuffs, but she's cuffing them with. With her hands. I'm like, this, Head down. I'm like, what the, dude? I'm like this. And she goes, 1, 2, 3. She's holding me back by my hands. My chest is in the sky, bro. And she's like, you're just like.

[A]

Like a naked bird. Help.

[B]

And she goes, more, more, more. I go, I can't, I can't. She Goes. Your muscles are tight. I said, I can't. She drops me down, like, just drops me. Not a great sound. I'm like, boom, boom, right back. I'm literally like this. Then she pulls out the oil.

[A]

Oh, that was pre oil. Are you kidding?

[B]

No, lube. She's straight dry on me, dog. She pulls out the oil, right? And she's starting to work on my bag. Now it's starting to feel okay, dog. She pulls the sheet past my ass, right? Oh, no, I got draws on. I got draws on still, right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I feel one index finger. I swear to God, bro, I feel one index finger go into my underwear like that, right above the crack, right above that little knot you are. And she pulls it down like, half an inch, just toward the top of my crack is showing. I said, why the Is my ass out right now, ma'am? Like, what's going on, Cam? I kid you not. She dribbles the oil. I swear to God, it's leaking down my dog, dog. And it's a little, like. It's. She called it some, like, firebomb. Like, tiger bomb some. And it's burning my crack, brother. And she's starting to work on my back, right?

[A]

I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna.

[B]

She's. She's maneuvering my arms. She's pulling my arms, dude. She's taking me through stretches. The base of my foot was by my ear. She's bending me all kinds of positions. Yeah. And then, I kid you not, like.

[A]

I don't feel good.

[B]

Ten minutes into that, she goes. Two hands on my draws. Pull. My flaccid penis is on the Goddamn. On the. On the mattress, bro. Like, she doesn't even touch my ass. My ass didn't get rubbed. My ass is just out now. I'm so uncomfortable, bro.

[A]

Dude, she. She liked you. She was on some freak time, and.

[B]

She'S, like, on top.

[A]

She pulls your ass out to work on your delts.

[B]

Yeah. She's just like, dude, there's one point. My ass is fully out, and she's laying on top of me like this, bro. Like, rubbing my shoulders.

[A]

Can I. You need to read that little thing you signed. You need to read the. Out of that. Send it to. Send it to some lawyers, and you might come up off a bag.

[B]

Yeah. The last thing, I think she was.

[A]

Playing Tigers, trying to play some tigers.

[B]

She flips me back over. I'm out, But I'm still covered by the. I'm covered by the sheet, but I'm out.

[A]

I literally would have been like this. If she took me over and, like.

[B]

Pulled my up and she's bending my arm like this, bro. She's bending me all. She's with my ears. I'm like, dude, I want this thing. She hitting me with one of these.

[A]

She's going. She's like, don't worry. You're like. She goes. She goes, I'll be in the hallway, dude. And she just sit there and cry.

[B]

I kid you not. She. We end when I'm on my back. She taps me twice. She goes, all done. Walks out. I didn't see her. I didn't see after that. I've. That's what I've been dealing with since you were gone. It was the worst massage of my life. Life.

[A]

That.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pton. I think that's the greatest story you've ever told, dude. And I loved. I loved every single second of that. And it was. I was crying, cj.

[B]

Am I not. Bull. Am I bullshitting, bro? Yes.

[A]

What? What?

[B]

No, but he let the girl stand on his back.

[A]

Yeah, they did the same thing. Yeah, but she was stepping. You had oil in your ass crack too.

[B]

Oh, no, my girl was polite. She pulled it down a little bit.

[A]

Why, though? If they're not touching ass, they just want to see some crap.

[B]

Rub your ass.

[A]

At least she was putting her foot in it. At least his ass got touched. You think about it. Your flat, your gummy worm penis was on a table, and she never touched below your L8.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ever.

[B]

What if she would have said, all right, bring in Jimmy.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh. That place would have been burned down.

[A]

Holy Peyton. And you, I think you can come off a bag.

[B]

I should. That.

[A]

I don't know what I signed up. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what you sign. What if that.

[B]

What if that.

[A]

She was filmed. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, if that's on the Internet cam. I'm. The part where I'm like this, bro. That was the most, like, degrading part of being a man I've ever gone through.

[A]

Like, that was, I think, one of my favorite parts. You said when you were down in the hole, in the little breathing hole, and she got her mouth right here, and I was like. I was just envisioning it. Said you couldn't hear, so you turned to look at it and what if all you saw it was just like this? I said, do you want the feet? It was just a big mouth. Oh, God.

[B]

I gotta take a break, bro. I'm about to pass out. You should know podcast this episode is brought to you by our friends at.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Oh. Oh, my God.

[A]

But dear God almighty, when I found out skims was dropping the menswear line and we got a hand on those comfy, comfy undies, how excited was I?

[B]

Cam, I've never seen you more ecstatic. You're more ecstatic about that than when you had your kid.

[A]

Well, I don't know if I don't know about that.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

But skims is absolutely fantastic. So fantastic. I'm wearing them today.

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Oh, my God.

[A]

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You know the thing I love about skims? I'm gonna. I'm gonna one up you on that. I do like how I can wear them to the gym. I can wear them on a date. I can wear them and go to sleep. But the thing is, when I wash them and dry them, they're not right.

[A]

They don't shrink.

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[A]

They don't.

[B]

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[A]

Shop skims [e-mail] and Skims stores. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for your valentine or for yourself, Skims just launched their best valentine shop ever. Available in sizes for women, men, kids, and even pets.

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We love skims so much, we want you to enjoy it just as much as we do. So go over to skims. Tell them we sent you skims. Thank you for sponsoring the episode. We love you. Now on to the rest of the episode.

[A]

You should know podcast. Dear God.

[B]

Told you, bro.

[A]

That is. That is my new favorite story you have ever told.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ever.

[B]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had to live through it.

[A]

Yeah. That was scary. Like being there in person. Physical body, you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As soon as she jumped on me, I would have said, get out. Yeah, I would have said, get out. I'm putting my clothes on. I need my money back.

[B]

As soon as you. She started mounting me and handcuffing me. I should have called you turned your.

[A]

Face and all you saw. I was. I said, do you want to feel just a big mouth?

[B]

No.

[A]

No shot, bro. Okay. I was thinking about this. Do you think, like, animals know? Like, do you think they know no wood? Like, do you think ducks know when duck season starts?

[B]

Like, do you think duck season, like, dung season?

[A]

Like, duck.

[B]

Oh, they know. They're about.

[A]

They, like, huddle up with their family, and they're like, all right, we got to go west. Like, we got to get. Like, we got to get out of here.

[B]

Is that when they migrate?

[A]

You tell me, dude.

[B]

All that doesn't make sense to me at all. Like, I don't understand how. But that's the thing. I'm always weird with animals. I think they got some on us.

[A]

I think they do, too.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

They have, like, a. Like an extra thumb, like a. Another Just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sources.

[B]

So you're asking me when they know they're gonna get hunted or when they know they're gonna migrate?

[A]

No. Do they know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do they know when they're gonna get hunted or do they just start getting shot at? And they're like, holy.

[B]

Yeah. I think they're like, it's that time again.

[A]

Or they're like, do they plan?

[B]

No, I think they're dumb.

[A]

Quarterly duck meetings, and they plan. They're like, okay, this year, we're going to Arizona.

[B]

No.

[A]

Out of ship. We can make it.

[B]

I think with hunting, I think they're dumb. I think they're just. They're out there for the slaughter. Especially deer. Deer, I think, are the bottom of the totem pole of animals.

[A]

So cute.

[B]

It's just so deer.

[A]

Deer are bottom of the totem pole.

[B]

Dumbest. You've seen a deer get caught in a fence. Yeah.

[A]

Wham.

[B]

Using a deer. Get caught in the fence and then taken out of the fence, Go right back into the fence.

[A]

Very true. I would use sheeps. Lost quick. Sheep without a shepherd. Just a little. Just a little pillow.

[B]

Never hung with too many sheep. I've never seen a sheep.

[A]

Seen a sheep in real life?

[B]

Yes. Cooper used to shave them.

[A]

What?

[B]

My high school friend used to shave sheep.

[A]

Your high school friend used to shave sheep on Saturdays.

[B]

He had a bunch of. He had to shave sheep Saturday. That was his day. That was his chore. I was out there washing dishes. He was shaving sheep.

[A]

Okay, now. Now, for being partial white.

[B]

Yeah, he was.

[A]

Did y'all ever get to switch roles? Was he ever washing dishes? Did you ever get to shave?

[B]

Well, I Wasn't doing chores at his house. I'm just saying the dichotomy.

[A]

I thought you meant he was shaving, she sheep. And you were like busting out and playing.

[B]

If I had responsibility at his house, we'd have to have a different conversation. Okay, I'll be like, kathy, what's going on? That's his mom.

[A]

Shout out, Miss Kathy.

[B]

But you know, with birds, you bring something up with like birds and migration. You ever seen. You ever been in a Target parking lot?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

You see 158 of them. Son of a.

[A]

All at once.

[B]

And they're doing trick up there, dude.

[A]

I think they like race each other or they're like. They have like fight pins.

[B]

They definitely. Ever been.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

Do you ever. In a high school and you see the marching band at 4am out there. They definitely have marching band time. There's no way y'all do that without practice.

[A]

There's no. No. And I. Dude, it's like a pay per view. It's like a bookie. There's like one little fat bird that ate real good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He claimed himself as the. As the self proclaimed bookie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He takes bets and then he fights two of his top birds. And everyone just comes around and they watch and they get in that tree. They're like, hell, birds make.

[B]

I've always had a thing about birds. And I've said this since we were young. Before it was like a big thing. 90 of birds can't be real. Surveillance tactics.

[A]

That's dumb.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

That's dumb.

[B]

You remember COVID 19? I've said this before. You went outside during COVID Nobody tried to take a walk.

[A]

Damning evidence.

[B]

Not a goddamn bird in the sky.

[A]

But maybe they were like, hey, we don't want that either. Let's get out of here.

[B]

But birds are worried about the bird flu that's going around right now.

[A]

Heard that is a bird flu, actually. Is it derived from birds or does it affect birds? Great. It's like leukemia for birds. Like, is that what it is? It's like a bit like a very. Like a. Just like a. Like a strong flu.

[B]

No, I think it came from birds. I think it's a derived.

[A]

How do we do that? Dough. How do we do that though?

[B]

How do we get bird flu?

[A]

Yeah, how do we get bird. That's bullshit.

[B]

You seen that guy in New York? I told you about it, remember? That guy in New York was tongue the pigeons in front of everybody. He was grabbing them hoes and licking them. People were taking pictures Giving them panties for licking. Foul.

[A]

What a life. Yeah. He's sitting there making out with a street pigeon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And people like flicking them corners.

[B]

New York is a sick place.

[A]

That's a. New York's terrifying. All right, buddy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's been a minute. We've been out here for some weeks.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because baby boy was born. But in my hiatus, in my absence.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I saw some on Tick Tock, and it's a fun little game for you, and I want to play it with you because I think you're gonna do really good on one part. And once you hear that, you're not gonna be too proud of yourself.

[B]

Well, I'm glad, because half the games you make me play, I'm not good at any part of it. So.

[A]

Okay, this is simply. Do you think you're better at science or drinking?

[B]

Drinking. Easy. I win. Yeah. That's it.

[A]

So I have four questions, okay? Four science questions that are aged from the fourth to the sixth grade, and then four drinking questions.

[B]

Yeah, I miss Eisenhower in the fourth grade.

[A]

That's a hell of a name. I used to go to Eisenhower State Park.

[B]

Yeah, that's where you had the clan meetings. Nice.

[A]

That's exactly where it was.

[B]

Get your first robe. Hey, hey. We don't need a diy DIY clan hood. Here we go.

[A]

All right.

[B]

That's why you pitched that for the new merch drop.

[A]

Okay, that's too much.

[B]

Okay. Too much. All right, stop.

[A]

All right, stop it.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

All right, so your science questions are first. So you have an opportunity to get four out of four points.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Then you're going drinking four out of four. Whichever one you do better at, you win.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Are you a regular human being and you're gonna be good at basic science?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or are you an alcoholic?

[B]

Well. Well, what do I do? More science or drink? Drink.

[A]

Okay, let's dive right in. What tissue connects muscles to bones?

[B]

I thought it was just called tissue, brother. There's specific. Kind of like. It's called Kleenex. What do. I didn't know there's.

[A]

What tissue connects muscles to bones?

[B]

Tendons. Tendons.

[A]

There you go. One out of one.

[B]

CJ's a hater.

[A]

Okay, one out of one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here we go. What is the standard unit of measurement for energy?

[B]

Standard unit of energy.

[A]

What is the measured lunit? The standard unit of measurement. Measurement for energy is blank.

[B]

Now, I'm not gonna. This isn't the answer. But, like, power. It's like inches and feet are not right.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

I'm showing my work.

[A]

Let me get 6 inches of power over here. Like, oh, are you having a fun night here? They said science.

[B]

I say I got two inches of power. Here we go. Google me. Here we go. Okay.

[A]

Standard unit of measurement for energy is.

[B]

Kinetic. Magnetic.

[A]

No, the standard unit of measurement for energy is kilometers. That is distant miles per hour.

[B]

No. Horsepower.

[A]

Horsepower.

[B]

That's good. That's a good guess.

[A]

Oh, that's close. That's awfully close. You don't know the answer?

[B]

No, no. Give me a. Give me a. Guess this. Yeah. You don't.

[A]

Okay, you want to guess?

[B]

Yes. What?

[A]

Or do you want a clue?

[B]

Yeah, give me a clue.

[A]

Is a single word.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Single word. That's your first clue.

[B]

That doesn't help.

[A]

Just one where you said horsepower and miles per hour. It's not a damn. It's not a formula.

[B]

Okay, one word.

[A]

One word answer. The standard unit of measurement for energy is motion. It.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It'S spelled in a different way, but it's also about things you wear on your neck and your bracelet. Yeah.

[B]

Diamonds.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I was like, that's strange.

[A]

I got 200 diamonds of power over here. No. So it's. It's. It's spelled different, but it's the same word that you'd call that. What are those stuff you put in a chain? Stuff you put a little watch bust down? What are those. What are diamonds?

[B]

Stems, stones.

[A]

What are we playing? Clash of clans?

[B]

What is it I do. No, no.

[A]

A jewel.

[B]

That's not right.

[A]

A jewel.

[B]

In America.

[A]

Jewel.

[B]

That's the thing in America.

[A]

America. It's a jewel? Yes. Oh, you thought it was. What?

[B]

That's light?

[A]

No.

[B]

What? Yes, that is light. No, because it's like. Light is like. It's got a thousand watts of light in it.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Yes, bitch. I went to Home Depot, and it's sectioned off by the water. Fourth grade.

[A]

Apparently you're good at Home Depot and sucking down liquor. You're one for two. Next one. What are animals that eat both plants and other animals? No. What are animals that eat. No, not that. Okay, what are animals which. What are animals which eat both plants and other animals called.

[B]

They eat other animals. Yes. Cannibal.

[A]

We eat other animals.

[B]

I'm not an animal.

[A]

Why is it. Yes, you are. You are a beast.

[B]

No, I'm not.

[A]

Peyton. You are a animal. Yes, you are. You are an animal. I'm a human, which is a mammal, which is an.

[B]

So you're meaning to say we are animals. So fish aren't animals.

[A]

Fish are animals.

[B]

Did I say that?

[A]

You said they aren't.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They are. And so are we.

[B]

How am I animals?

[A]

And then there's reptilians.

[B]

Time out.

[A]

Mammals.

[B]

Humans are not animals.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Are we part of the animal kingdom?

[A]

We are the top. Yes. We're so far ahead of it because we have souls. We were gifted from God that we are above all other animals.

[B]

I'm being so for real right now.

[A]

We are animals. We are a mammal.

[B]

Mammals.

[A]

Dude. It's ptsd.

[B]

I don't want to have to go through this game because I don't want to go down the street every day and hear this.

[A]

The Charlotte Hornets. Right?

[B]

What the.

[A]

Listen. The Charlotte Hornets. Lamelo ball.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Lamelo ball is a part of the Charlotte Hornets.

[B]

It's a basketball team.

[A]

Okay. For this sake. The Charlotte Hornets is mammals. But they are inside of the NBA. Which is animals.

[B]

And why are we called humans?

[A]

Dude. You son of a. That's right. Why are frogs called frogs?

[B]

No, we're people.

[A]

Why are jackrabbits Jack.

[B]

Like frogs are called. And beluga whales.

[A]

Beluga whale.

[B]

Because they're thick.

[A]

That's a name.

[B]

No. Yes. And our name is human beings.

[A]

Homo sapiens.

[B]

Careful. No. What does the name people come from?

[A]

It's just people.

[B]

Exactly. Like that's a frog. That's an animal. Mammal. We're humans. We're people.

[A]

We're humans.

[B]

We are mammals. Are we getting into the. To the pronouns?

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Nobody.

[A]

Human beings. We are them. We are humans. But we are a mammal. And mammals are animals.

[B]

Is this a religion thing?

[A]

Dude? Why is it so hard to get?

[B]

Why? Dead ass.

[A]

Okay, we're gonna do this.

[B]

I've never thought I was an animal.

[A]

All living creatures. A big dog. All living creatures on earth are animals. Animals.

[B]

Dead ass. Crickets and all crickets.

[A]

Those are insects. Part of the insect.

[B]

Is there anything that's living that's not an animal?

[A]

I mean like trees and stuff. They're alive. They're not animals.

[B]

And those are plants.

[A]

Those plants.

[B]

And they got their own kingdom.

[A]

There you go. Big old kingdom. Ran by. Ran by your spruce.

[B]

It's like a roly poly.

[A]

Roly poly is an insult. Insect.

[B]

An animal.

[A]

An ant. Is it same as you and me? Different kingdoms?

[B]

I am not the same as ants.

[A]

Now ants work a lot harder. They work, Dude. Ants are workers. But we have way more significance. Back to the question. Animals that eat plants and other animals are called what?

[B]

Herbivores.

[A]

You already guessed that. You can't change from herb to herb. And think it's a different guess. Yes. Omnivores, they both. Omni.

[B]

Omnivores. Never heard of those. New drop. Never heard of those. That's sexual. Here we go.

[A]

The thought that you had that you just realized that we eat other animals and we're animals, like you understand? So we are cannibals, dude. Cannibals. When you eat your own species. We don't eat other humans. You don't go to a TGI Fridays and say, hey, let me get a back. Let me get a human back. You don't do that.

[B]

So you get documentaries about you.

[A]

Exactly. Your Dahmer. We say, can I get a steak? That is a cow. Yeah, let me get chicken.

[B]

So we're eating our own kind, technically.

[A]

No, we're not.

[B]

You just said, bitch, that we're animals. So if they were the same kind, we're eating our own kind.

[A]

No, we're all animals. We're all different kinds. That's why there's different kingdoms. Animals are just the top the. You suck.

[B]

Scientists are bored, bro.

[A]

You suck. They're bored.

[B]

Yeah, they're just making shit at this point.

[A]

What is the temperature that water boils in? Celsius. Celsius.

[B]

That's what the Brits use.

[A]

Yeah, that's like, what everyone uses but.

[B]

Us, I think, like different states. Like, you go to. You go to Boston. Them are saying Celsius. What's the question?

[A]

I love how you said states, then you said Boston. My God, dude, you need a nap. What is the temperature at which water boils in Celsius?

[B]

Now tell me what is in Fahrenheit? I'll confirm. Convert.

[A]

Oh, I don't know.

[B]

100 degrees Fahrenheit. And Celsius is less. That's because they're weird.

[A]

I'm just gonna say this because I love you. I wouldn't listen to peers. I'm just gonna throw that out.

[B]

Celsius is less, right, Caesar? No clue. Okay?

[A]

You're on a stranded island. This is for all the marbles.

[B]

Celsius. 100 degrees Celsius. 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Boiling water, hot. Don't put your toe in there. 212 degrees.

[A]

I told you not to listen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So 212 degrees Fahrenheit. So now guess your cell.

[B]

202. 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Too hot. Tip your toe and burn off no toe.

[A]

Yeah, no toe. We don't want no toe.

[B]

64. What?

[A]

That was so confident. No.

[B]

Close.

[A]

I'll give you answer choices.

[B]

Yes. Thank you.

[A]

25 degrees too low. 50 degrees.

[B]

God.

[A]

75 degrees. 100 degrees.

[B]

I think it's a trick question.

[A]

No, the answer's there. The answer is certainly there.

[B]

No, but I think you want me to go high, high, so I'm gonna go low. 25 degrees. 25 degrees.

[A]

This isn't a game show. You're like, I think you're trying to swap me out, made me lose my prize money. I'm going with a no. 25 is wrong.

[B]

50.

[A]

Wrong.

[B]

100.

[A]

Yes. 100 degrees Celsius. Pinky toe gone forever. Third place burns. You need snake skin and salmon, and you're gonna get a skin graph, okay? So you, my friend, are dog shit at science. You went one for four.

[B]

Now give me what I'm good at.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

Talk to daddy. Here we go.

[A]

Drinking.

[B]

Yeah, here we go.

[A]

What organ is responsible for metabolizing alcohol?

[B]

What the. I thought we were just off of science.

[A]

This is. It's about drinking.

[B]

I thought you were going to say what liquors. Top shell.

[A]

This is. This is about drinking.

[B]

You okay?

[A]

Come on. Come on, you.

[B]

Cuz I went to the doctor and they said I need to work on kidneys.

[A]

No.

[B]

Liver. There you go. There you go. I know both of them. I know some back here is not quite right.

[A]

You know, I wake up with pains and I haven't been lifted. Lower back.

[B]

The liver.

[A]

Liver. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Clap me. Clap me up. I don't know, should we clap or should we be like, hey, you need help? Clap me up. Okay. What is the best selling beer in the United States?

[B]

Bud Light.

[A]

It changed this recent year. This recent year, due to the big hiatus, it was Bud Light, but there's a new. The new sitter on the throne. New King, a new LeBron James, if you would. What is the best selling beer in the United States? And it changed this past year.

[B]

Cj, you're from Arkansas. What are the whites like? Because I know they're. They're ahead of that demographic. It's gotta be the wiser, huh?

[A]

It's not the wiser.

[B]

Oh, God bless.

[A]

It's not the wiser.

[B]

Is it domestic or is it Mexican beer?

[A]

I will not. You will have to choose yourself.

[B]

Click clack. What does that mean?

[A]

Clickety click.

[B]

I would go Michelo, but that's.

[A]

That's a yellow water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. My God. At least he's not as much as alcoholic as we thought.

[B]

Yeah, not beer.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Well, I got it right technically, but they hit the switcheroo on me, actually.

[A]

Yeah, you did get It.

[B]

Is it Corona?

[A]

No.

[B]

Is it the dose? No, I said Budweiser. Coors.

[A]

No, Go back to where you were.

[B]

Go back to the Mexican beer. There's another Mexican beer, huh?

[A]

Very pretty. Very good. Throw that lime right in there. You're having a great night.

[B]

Corona Dos Equis. Zevito.

[A]

Excuse me? Zevito. Sounds like a medicine. What is that? Sounds like something you put on rash.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Mom, where's this Zevito?

[B]

Okay, wait. What? What?

[A]

Modelo.

[B]

Oh, that's a good Modelo.

[A]

Let me get a model with a lime.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't.

[A]

Baby back ribs.

[B]

Okay. But I think I get. I get a half a point for that.

[A]

Half a point.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

You're sitting there. You're sitting at one total point through two questions.

[B]

God damn. I'm just not. Here we go.

[A]

Here we go. What is the main alcohol in a daiquiri? What is the main alcohol in a daiquiri? You don't drink too. Don't drink daiquiris too much.

[B]

Don't drink daiquiris.

[A]

You go that. You go that strong and put some hair on your chest. Couple drinks.

[B]

Took him about a year ago to realize it wasn't daquiri. God bless. I would go past the. I'd go past those. What's a daquery? But you know what I mean? So I learned that.

[A]

What's your finest da query. Daiquiri is here. Let's do this. Let's do this. It'll be good. Good for your brain. Do process of elimination.

[B]

It's not anything dark.

[A]

There you go. That's a big one. That just eliminated, like a lot of things.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. It's not tequila.

[A]

Brilliant.

[B]

So I think it's a vodka.

[A]

Absolutely wrong. You need to think.

[B]

Is it a liqueur?

[A]

It's liquor. Yes. What is the primary alcohol in a daiquiri? Think they add the little sprinkles. They put the little feathers in them sometimes. Got the ice cubes and got the garnish.

[B]

Rumple.

[A]

What?

[B]

Rumple. Shots.

[A]

Take away shots. Take away. Pull and just say the beginning.

[B]

Rump.

[A]

Take away the pee. Rump, you idiot. Rump. Ass. Ass is the main. That's the main ingredient.

[B]

Dude. These are ass questions.

[A]

You're not a grade A alcoholic, though. That's good shit.

[B]

Give me about 12 double crown of cokes. I turned into a goddamn sc.

[A]

This. A Jager bomb is comprised of what? Two ingredients?

[B]

Jager.

[A]

Correct. You know this coffee? Dude.

[B]

I don't even know what a Jager bomb is.

[A]

No, I don't know. I don't know if you're pissing me off, Jaeger. I don't know if you're doing this or if you're not a. You're not much a drinker.

[B]

Genesis. Genesis.

[A]

Genesis. A car and. No, a Jager bomb. First. Is Jaeger bomb a drink, a mixed drink or a shot?

[B]

It's a mixed drink.

[A]

It's a shot. You did it at the restaurant.

[B]

That means I was gone.

[A]

It's a Jager bomb.

[B]

I'll give you one. That's the one. You smack the bitch and the chopsticks go down.

[A]

This little Soho thing, what is it called?

[B]

Saki.

[A]

Saki. Here you go.

[B]

Yagi bombs.

[A]

Yu Gi. Oh, careful. Saki bomb.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that you go.

[B]

Now we're trading three.

[A]

One.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

Shocking. Bomb is where you hit it. It drops in you.

[B]

Quit it. Slam.

[A]

Hit it, Quit it. See you never. Yeah, but a Jager bomb.

[B]

Uber's outside.

[A]

Yeah, Jager's out.

[B]

Your food still.

[A]

Taco Bell's in the car. See you later. See you. But Jaeger and a pickme up, that's all you're getting.

[B]

Didn't I just say coffee, dude?

[A]

And I said that's wrong. So you want to guess espresso? That's coffee.

[B]

No, you can get coffee without espresso. You can get espresso without coffee.

[A]

I'm getting ready to punch. And you can get a. You get a five knuckle sandwich with or without the thumb. You let me know you want to talk about. You can get one without the other.

[B]

Well, you ask bad questions.

[A]

What is it? Tequila, dude. What is it? What is something that's very important in your life. You drink it every day.

[B]

Water.

[A]

Now you think of Jager bombs, Jaeger and water. You think they're selling that behind the bars. Here's water and Jaeger. Jaeger. You think that. You think that's bomb material? Well, yeah. You're bomb. It's called a Jaeger piss.

[B]

I don't know, bro. Like that. As you're confused.

[A]

I'm. I'm getting angry, dude. I'm getting really good mad. You drink it every day and it's a. Hey, does water pick you up? Thank you. Jaeger and Red Bull. Pick me. Up you go.

[B]

Water.

[A]

You don't even drink water. Your skin's itchy and dry. You don't drink enough water. You don't drink any water. You don't own water bottles. CJ has to buy them and put them in the fridge. Your go to beverage is a flat diet coke. And then when you get a little tired because you're sleeping. Shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You drink a red bull on the daily. Okay, now, I'm sorry for going off on you, but damn it, I had hopes. I had hopes this was gonna be a fantastic game. You were gonna crush the drinking, and you suck.

[B]

Yeah, well, I thought you were gonna ask better questions. Those are. Those are tough questions.

[A]

What do you want me to ask? What do you want me to ask? I'll say something off top of my head. What's the main liquor in old fashioned whiskey? Ding, ding, ding. See, I did the same shit with a different drink.

[B]

No, but I don't drink that. I don't drink the queries.

[A]

I get you slightly different. So you didn't just ace it. Looked like a. Like you needed help.

[B]

Well, then that's a different one. Here we go. Quick.

[A]

What? Beer comes in a green can?

[B]

Dos equis, Correct? Yeah.

[A]

What? When do you. Oh, if someone says, can I make that a double?

[B]

What does it mean, two shots.

[A]

How many ounces is in one shot?

[B]

One ounce.

[A]

That's correct. Typically, how many ounces of a liquor do you put in a mixed drink when you're adding it? If it's a regular, not a double or a triple?

[B]

One ounce.

[A]

That's wrong. One and a half.

[B]

Oh, I asked for doubles. I don't know.

[A]

It's all good. What are garnishes? What are those?

[B]

That's a sprinkle shit they put in that mother.

[A]

It's more of leaves and flowers and like lemons. You don't sprinkle lemon. You don't sprinkle lemon. It's a wedge. You put it on the side of the glass.

[B]

You know something weird?

[A]

There's a Long island iced tea lit tea.

[B]

Get you lit sweet tea and vodka and lemonade. It's like an Arnold Palmer with a little bit of sex.

[A]

A long island is dangerous. You need to do next time you go. Long Islands have like. Like everything.

[B]

Really?

[A]

It's like rum. There's liqueurs in there. There's like.

[B]

Isn't that a shot or something?

[A]

I think it's called. No, yeah, I think it's called that.

[B]

Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

What is a. What is a jungle master ship?

[B]

Why are you asking me? Why you asking me? Huh? Huh, huh. Little bit of emphasis behind that one.

[A]

Okay, you know what? No, we're do friend group based ones.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[A]

If mama Liv were to order a shot and she asked you to get it, what would it be?

[B]

She hasn't drank since 1932. I don't know.

[A]

You don't love her. You don't love my wife the way I want you to love her. Now that.

[B]

There you go. Cam, the.

[A]

That was a bit much. If Liv told you pee. I really want a shot. Can you go get it for me? What would it be?

[B]

Tequila.

[A]

There you go. If C.J. said, Hey, I need a mixed drink, what would it be?

[B]

Double Crown of Coke.

[A]

There you go. Good morning to you.

[B]

12 of them.

[A]

How many is he allowed to drink? No more than four.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I said, give me a beer and they don't have Miller Lite, what would I drink?

[B]

Michelob Ultra.

[A]

Well, I mean.

[B]

Or does in a.

[A]

Back in a. There you go. In the backyard. I'll take a Michel Ultra. In a restaurant now, if I order chips and queso, but I have to go to the bathroom, the waiter comes for drink orders while I'm pissing. What would you advise her to get me?

[B]

A water and a Modelo. A Miller and a Miller. Water and a Miller. Okay.

[A]

They're out of beer. It's straight liquors.

[B]

Crown and Coke.

[A]

Beautiful. Last thing we go to a steak dinner. We want Old fashions. Don't have whiskey. What do we drink with it?

[B]

Ranch water. Is Ashlyn there? Yeah. That's a difference.

[A]

See, all he needed was personalized questions.

[B]

Yeah, I need personalized ones.

[A]

See, but. See, but you got to have the whole knowledge of the drinking world.

[B]

Well, since you know everything about. About everything.

[A]

I don't. I did not claim that I.

[B]

So the weekend put out an album. Oh, this week. Right. He put out an album. Right. And I downloaded it. I streamed it on twitch. Twitch.com. pain harden.

[A]

Right. And then.

[B]

And then I saw on Tick Tock. Right, that he released vinyls that are available at Target. Not. Not. Not an ad. By the way, he released vinyls in Target.

[A]

That's sick.

[B]

Right? And on the vinyl, there's bonus songs that you can't get on streaming platforms.

[A]

What?

[B]

Great marketing. That's so smart.

[A]

I got one, right, that's lit. And you have a record player.

[B]

And I have a record player. Right. Hey, but then I got to thinking. I set the thing. I set this, like, thin ass disk down that I can see through, right? And I put a needle on it.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I heard the weekend's voice. Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm right there with.

[B]

How the. Does that work?

[A]

I. You know, for the longest time, I thought it was witchcraft.

[B]

It has to be.

[A]

There's. How is a black little tar Disc thing that they mold. Put it in what, like are they syringing music into it like that?

[B]

How does it work? And how did that come out before? Like streaming platforms. That seems like more advanced technology than like, seriously.

[A]

That came out before, like the cloud of Internet where things can stream to devices. People like our grandparents were popping these black discs that you can.

[B]

Look, stop saying black.

[A]

They're a black disc. It's a disc that's red.

[B]

The weakest is red.

[A]

Well, that's the weekend that's able. But a black disc, they throw it on it, drop a needle on it and then.

[B]

But isn't that so crazy? He needs a nap. In a bath.

[A]

No, I, I am. That is that. I swear to God you're gonna laugh. Me and I know we talked about it once but that in photography, they.

[B]

It makes the crazy in the world.

[A]

You touch a butt like think about.

[B]

That and the image is captured forever.

[A]

That is terrifying.

[B]

It doesn't make any sense.

[A]

And. But think about it before smartphones again. Like smartphones still don't even make too much sense to me because it's a. It's. It's just a lens. They don't have eyes. Like, it's like. It's just a see through man made part. It's a hole that's seeing something.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then you click a button and how does it keep it forever?

[B]

How does it keep A memory drive?

[A]

No, how like. Okay, here's a lens, right? Old timey cameras, when they would take the picture, go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kind of like your butt.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It would close.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Once it closes. Like just think about. This is outside of the thing. It closes.

[B]

I think I know this is now.

[A]

Kept in here forever.

[B]

It burned it.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But how so like when that thing you're holding on this thing, right. And that's why you don't move. You don't move in pictures. So whenever that thing closes, it's burning that thing that. It's all the reflection of that glass and the light and whatever Negro, whatever mananimism is in there, it's smacking that bitch together. Together. And that's gonna. It's burning that just image. Right, bro.

[A]

But that's. I don't like.

[B]

See, that makes more sense.

[A]

That does.

[B]

Than a goddamn needle on some. On some plastic. And I can hear the weekend's voice.

[A]

And Mike Dean sense in my ear, in my kitchen.

[B]

That does not make sense.

[A]

I don't like that. It scares me. It. Honestly.

[B]

And you just look at the disc. There's not a little. There's like little rings, right, bro?

[A]

That's what. That's like Saturn's ring.

[B]

How can I hear Sabrina Carpenter?

[A]

How can. How does it. How does it make noise at all? Like, if I went and grabbed. Think about this. If I went and grabbed the same material that's made out of. And I went and got a needle and went like this, all you're hearing is that's it. I don't.

[B]

That's what is going into that disc, dude. That is making Abel Tessa Fey come to my ears.

[A]

Do you know what I said one time? I said, we're gonna get to the point, like, the dawn of man. Like, we're gonna get to the point where they put weed in music.

[B]

Excuse me?

[A]

It's gonna get to the point where they. That you're listening and it's so. It's just like, you're listening in, like weed or CBD is, like, released into your ears somehow.

[B]

Bad idea. Stuff. Be like Snoop Dogg's album.

[A]

Oh, yeah. The inaugural album for weed listening would be from Snoop Do Double.

[B]

It would be like kind of like how Scratch and Sneef movies were.

[A]

Exactly. But then, like, once you listen to the album, like, the weed is gone. So now you can just listen to it for sentimental play.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you have to go buy it again. Or you have to go buy cartridges and plug it in on the backside.

[B]

Or just get your own weed.

[A]

Or just. Yeah, or just hit up your guy in the neighborhood. But I'm saying I don't understand vinyls. I'm right there with you. I hate it. It's creepy, and I don't like it.

[B]

You should know Podcast this episode is brought to you by friends at Rocky Money Pete.

[A]

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[A]

You should know podcast. Another thing I don't like. Quick story.

[B]

I don't like when your son crosses his eyes.

[A]

And I don't like that either. I made him go, yeah, no, I literally closed his eyes today because he wouldn't stop. And I went.

[B]

He was like, he has a milky vomit.

[A]

That's only when he spit up. We switched the formula. He's on a sensitive now. His mom's got bad guts. He's got bad guts.

[B]

Got his mama's gut.

[A]

He's got his mama's gut.

[B]

Daddy's hips, Dad's.

[A]

Dad's hips. Dad's head, Mom's nose, Mom's lips. Mom's.

[B]

Poor kid. His head is growing quick.

[A]

It is, isn't it?

[B]

Yeah, it's getting a little skin, a.

[A]

Little Indiana Jones action.

[B]

Getting the same hook.

[A]

I'm gonna get him a helmet. But I don't like. I went to Wingstop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To get dinner for me, Liv and her mom when she was down here. When I tell you this was when it was still cold, 20, like 8 degrees outside. I go, I'm in a coat. I'm in sweats, everything. I walk in, there's three women ordering wings. They're all wearing shorts.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Two of them are wearing sandals with no socks. One of them is in a short sleeve T shirt. And they are outside in 28 degrees.

[B]

Your kind.

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Very interesting. Right? Yes.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Very interesting.

[B]

Strange.

[A]

Okay, next thing, she asks, how long do you. How long do you fry your wings?

[B]

She asked the worker that asked the.

[A]

Guy, how long you fry your wings? He goes, oh, I don't know. She goes, well, how long would a extra, extra, extra crispy wing take? Two extras, don't you? Ooh, that is unnecessary as hell.

[B]

That is great.

[A]

No, no, no. Extra crispy. I'm all on board. Extra, extra crispy, yeah. She said this in all seriousness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, ma'am, I don't know. And this guy's like 20. And these are grown Women. She goes, can you go ask your chef? I said, first off, this is Wingstop. There's not a chef. There's a guy that cuts open the bags and drops them in the grease. He's a cook. Cook at best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's no sous chef here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He turns around and goes, so apparently for regular wings, they're in the fryer for 20 minutes. Okay, so you want extra? She goes, no, no, I want extra, extra. I'm not making this up. I was writing this down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I didn't forget as it was happening. He goes, okay. She goes, but I need to know how long that would be. I need to make sure they're going to be crispy enough.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She goes, can you go ask? He comes back. He said, they'll be in there for 35 minutes if you want them extra, extra crispy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She said all of that. He goes, okay, is that what you want? She goes, yeah. What are the sides? Like, ask all these questions. She finally goes, okay, I'll take three lemon peppers, all flats. Three wings.

[B]

Three wings.

[A]

Three lemon pepper steppers. Bricks, extra. 35 minutes, frying.

[B]

Three wings.

[A]

She ordered fries and a water. Cup. Cup. But then her friend goes, I'll take 20 garlic parms. Add the sauce afterwards. Extra, extra crispy with some veggie sticks. Now, I just examined this group, right. I don't know what they're doing. They have 23 wings amongst three people with a lot of vegetables and a little bit of fries. And they're all drinking water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I look at them, and after, I swear to God, after they pay, they turn around, I'm picking up my order, and I hear them go, you know what? I'm not really feeling it. So I go, what? They walk out the door, get in the car, drive off. I swear to God, bro, the people are just so. I don't get it.

[B]

She has to hold that survey.

[A]

Extra, extra crispy, 35 minutes. How this, all this. Give me three wings. Friend orders a 20 ball. They get in the car, peel off, off.

[B]

That is so strange.

[A]

Dodge Durango. I'm not going to read the plates, but it was a Dodge Durango.

[B]

They.

[A]

Then they drove right off.

[B]

Did you talk to the worker about it after?

[A]

No, we just laughed. We literally, like, laughed. Because it wasn't even. Like they waited. Like, they just went. Never mind.

[B]

They had to say it out loud for them to realize.

[A]

Maybe they just drive off.

[B]

Maybe they're doing, like, a social experiment. Maybe they're part of the census or something.

[A]

A part of the census?

[B]

Yeah, you know, like Jehovah's Witness. They were knocking on doors.

[A]

No, they were knocking on wings. Getting them. That's like chewing a. Like. Like Sheetrock extra.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. I kind of like the extra. Extra crispy. I might try that.

[A]

Try that. And let me know if it's even edible, because that sounds like ash to me. Yeah, it just bleeds in your mouth.

[B]

I kind of did the same thing. I went to.

[A]

No, you did not.

[B]

Accident, though. I went to Cane's, the. You know, Cane's chick.

[A]

I love Cane's chicken.

[B]

A lot of people don't have Cane's in their state.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's a Southern thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's where we're not going on tour. So I was at Cane's, right? And I was at the drive thru. First of all, Cane's. Why the fuck is the music so loud in the drive?

[A]

This isn't a disco. I want to eat chicken. I want to go home.

[B]

I'm like. Like I have to roll up my window in the drive thru, cuz they're blaring it, right? I don't know. I think like some of your dad tiredness is rubbing off on me. Like, I literally. It was like one of those where I'm just like, you're not paying attention to life as you're living it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So you.

[A]

You did that for a while now?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You often time find yourself just like daydreaming while you're going 80. And I'm like, hey, hey. You go. You come back to life. Life. We're on a highway. You're like this. You're not even looking up. You're looking down, going 80. I'm like, Peyton Payton. You go like, you exit for no reason. You need a sleep, dude. Oh, you and me, we need to take naps together.

[B]

Big spoon, little spoon. Who'd get it?

[A]

I get little.

[B]

All right, So I was at the Canes. They're hitting me with a flashbang of music, right? I. They asked me, did you get the whatever. Whatever box combo, whatever. I say yes. I hand them the card. They take the card. They. They take the payment. They take the payment, right? They hand me the card back. I drive off camp. I literally went all the way home without canes. I sat down at my. On my counter about to eat some shit I didn't even grab, bro. I just had to take that. L. I didn't even go back.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I swear to God.

[A]

You're too prideful. 100 oh, my God. You sick son of a. You pulled out door dash, didn't you?

[B]

100% door dash. Some Mickey D's. That's.

[A]

No. You're so prideful.

[B]

I know I am.

[A]

I would have went back, got my food, and then lied that said something happened. Tried to get more out of them. I'm like, dude, my grandma just tumbled down the stairs, and she can't see, so she didn't know where she was. You mind if I get her some chicken, though? I already paid, though. You got to put on the house. Like, that's what I would have. I'm like, come on, give me a three piece.

[B]

And, cj, we'll talk about this on the extended. You got to remind me. C.J. embarrassed me at Cane's. We're going through the Cane's, right? And I'm ordering what I normally order. Like, nothing changes. There's not many options at Cane's.

[A]

That's. That's the one thing I have with them. How do you not have a single dessert?

[B]

Yeah, it's so strange. Cookie.

[A]

You don't have a brownie?

[B]

Nothing Big back activity. Sweet tooth.

[A]

I think I have a worm, but.

[B]

So we're going through the Canes, right? Another example why he's a bad friend. He goes and says, hey, when you go. When you go up there, ask for. What was it called?

[A]

Butter on both sides.

[B]

He says, oh, yeah.

[A]

Like, literally.

[B]

He just goes, say, butter on both sides. That's all he says. And I'm like, what? And he goes. And you know his little ego. He goes, ask for it. Like, not even trying to explain what's going on. George asked for it. Go ask for it. Butter on both sides. Just say it. I'm ordering. I'm like, can I get the box combo? I look at him, he goes, butter both sides. And I go go, sorry, y'all got butter on both sides. The guy literally goes, I've never heard of that. I literally look at C.J. and he's like. I'm like, are you. Are you. Are you kidding me? And he goes, I swear to God, it's a thing. I saw it on Tik Tok.

[A]

Are you kidding me?

[B]

So I gotta drive up to the guy, and he's like.

[A]

There goes this buttery ass right here. Hey, John, come look at this piece of. Hey, here's your credit card on both sides. You're just like, yeah. Oh, my God, bro. But I could totally see him doing that, though. As soon as the guy goes, I've never heard of that. And you Go.

[B]

He goes, yeah. They, like, looked at me like, I'm the dumbass. He said, like, that's why you don't. Secret menu with cj. Oh, okay.

[A]

Oh, my God. I know. We're going. I got to get one more off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I go to the gym. This. This was right. So right after we recorded, right before the stint. Okay. So it's like, my last time going to the gym. It's been, like three weeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I go to the gym.

[B]

I can tell.

[A]

I can, too. That's the sad part. I swear to God I can.

[B]

You look good.

[A]

I go to the gym. Thanks, babe. I go to the gym, and I'm in there. I'm on a chest press machine, little hammer strength. I look up, there's a guy, maybe 30 years old. His shirt reads, hardest worker in the room.

[B]

Hate you.

[A]

Size 140 font. Hardest worker in the room. Okay, I hate you already. But the best part of this. This Guy's got a 4 out of 10 sweat going. He's got some little JBL headphones in the ears. He's vibing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Wearing a headband. First off, you are not who you think you are.

[B]

Is he bald?

[A]

You are lifting at a. At a commercial gym. Like, no, he's not bald. Full head of hair.

[B]

That's strange.

[A]

Then, like, this isn't dodgeball practice. Just lift.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the best part about it was the literally rule guy next to him, like, I'm talking two feet away. Better headphones, more sweat, lifting more weight. No headband. Looks better. Looks cooler. All of it. And it was right next to him, and I literally looked up, and I was like, hardest worker. And then I was like, yeah. And then I waited, and the guy with the shirt, like, did one of these. He was sitting there. He was like. And he kind of, like, got sad, and I was like, that's what you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do not wear that shirt. Hardest worker in the room. Spare me, dude.

[B]

But that's what I kind of told you. I wanted you to stop wearing those. Those cut gloves at the gym.

[A]

I did not wear gloves.

[B]

He wears the bicycle.

[A]

No, I could see Pierce wearing the gloves at the gym. I could see Pierce wearing gloves at the gym. He's like, it hurts my fingers. I could see that.

[B]

Pierce is doing good, though.

[A]

He's.

[B]

Pierce is doing good. We'll talk about that on the extended.

[A]

In the gym, religiously.

[B]

Cam, before you get out here, I want to play a game with you.

[A]

Okay? Oh, God.

[B]

It's called the soap and lollipop game.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Go ahead. And unwrap both of those.

[A]

You're absolutely kidding me.

[B]

We're gonna play the soap and lollipop game.

[A]

I'm not licking soap. I haven't licked soap since Miss Jenny's house when I was, like, five.

[B]

Yeah, the fact you had a foreign woman tell you to like. Not foreign like, or nationality, but foreign to your home. Yeah, it was disciplining you with soap in the mouth. My mom would have killed her. Like, let's put that. No one was disciplining me.

[A]

Let's just say Lisa had a lot of trust.

[B]

Yeah. Too much.

[A]

A lot of.

[B]

So go ahead and unbox that soap.

[A]

My God, it smells good.

[B]

So good.

[A]

Ow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I. Dude, I'm not licking this. I am. This is disgusting.

[B]

Well, the goal is to not like it. Unwrap that lolly. Huh? Oh, and people that call lollipop suckers are going to hell. Can we put that out out there? People that call lollipop suckers.

[A]

There's a difference. The suckers are the. Are the. Wait, is there a difference?

[B]

No. People call lollipop suckers, but I think.

[A]

Suckers are a thing.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I think they are. There's a distinctive difference.

[B]

I'm gonna need that one over here, too. See if you can bring that.

[A]

Oh, my God, dude. And grape. Really? Grape?

[B]

No.

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm saying grape's the worst. Like, whoa, grape is the best flavor.

[B]

No, it's strange. Sour apples.

[A]

Shut up, werewolf. Yeah, Sour apple, watermelon.

[B]

Okay, so what you're gonna do, you got. You got the lollipop, you got. You got the soap in your hands, right? Hold them up right in front of your mouth. That's what we're gonna do right here.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

I'm just gonna give you clear instructions, and you do as I say.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The two instructions are easy. I'm gonna say they're lick the lolly, lollipop, smell the soap. All you got to do is follow my instructions. Now, the instructions might come quick. This is a popular trend on tick tock, right?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We're gonna start slow, right? Bring that mic a little out. Yeah, There you go.

[A]

I am. Why am I. My heart is racing. I do not want to lick this dumbass.

[B]

Well, don't. Just listen to my instructions. You won't. All right, this is.

[A]

Are my eyes closed?

[B]

No, you can open them. See where you're going.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

However you like to lick. I don't know how you like to suck. Eyes open. I prefer eye contact. Here.

[A]

We.

[B]

We go. So. All right. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Game. Ready?

[A]

Oh. Oh.

[B]

Oh, no. He's cooking.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

Lick the lollipop.

[A]

No.

[B]

Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. So. So. Soap. Click the lollipop. This guy's good. Good job. Good job so far. Okay, now I'm just going to say lollipop, Soap.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

All right, here we go.

[A]

Okay. Lick. Lick the lollipop.

[B]

Lollipop this side. Soap. Soap. Lollipop. Soap, Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop.

[A]

No, it's because I messed up.

[B]

Oh, how does that taste?

[A]

No, it wasn't bad.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Actually, not that bad.

[B]

That's strange.

[A]

My mind going.

[B]

You're like. He starts nibbling his.

[A]

Oh, no, there's a. There. Creeps.

[B]

All right, back to it. You ready?

[A]

Oh, it's cuz I messed up.

[B]

You said.

[A]

You said lollipop and I, I, I sniffed. So then I felt I had to and I just got thrown off. Ready?

[B]

Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap, soap, Soap. Soap. Lollipop. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Okay, I didn't tell you to lick the lollipop, you big back.

[A]

I know, it's good. I'm just. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[B]

Okay. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, soap.

[A]

See, I feel like I'm cheating soap, bro. It's so genuine to me. It's so like. And I thought I was really going to cheat it and be like, I only lick in my right hand, but it goes so fast.

[B]

Oh, actually, switch them real quick. Switch hands.

[A]

That's not fair.

[B]

Switch hands.

[A]

No, that's not fair.

[B]

Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Soap.

[A]

Oh, bro, I. It needs to be like, where?

[B]

I can't.

[A]

I cannot take my hand back. Oh, my God, dude, I genuinely think.

[B]

I might be better than you at this.

[A]

Oh, my God. It starts to get bad.

[B]

Yeah. You going to go one more?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Or you want to switch?

[A]

Okay, I'm going until I mess up.

[B]

So. So. Lollipop, lollipop, Soap. Soap. Lol. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap, lollipop. Lollipop. Soap. Soap. Soap. Lollipop. Lollipop. Soap. Soap. Lollipop. Soap, lollipop. Soap. Your noises. You sound like a hog. So. Soap, Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap.

[A]

I just even tried not to. All right, you gotta close your eyes. Closing your eyes makes it so much. See? And you get a good flavor. Bro.

[B]

It's watermelon. Pierce, what is with this flavor choice?

[A]

You got a grape and watermelon.

[B]

All right, all right.

[A]

You told me the game. You know what to do. So you sniff. Sniff the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lolly.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You're licking lollies and smelling soaps. You're lolly, liquor and a soap sniffer. Here we go. Ready? One, two, three. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Soap. Lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Smell the soap. Smell the soap. Lick the lollipop. Lick the lollipop. Good job. All right, now we're going to your round two. That you did.

[B]

It's like melting in my hand.

[A]

So I'm only saying lollipop or soap.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And you got to climb. Close your eyes.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Here we go. Soap. Soap, Lollipop. Close your eyes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Lollipop. Soap. Lollipop. Lollipop. Soap. Soap, Lollipop. Soap. Lollipop. Lollipop. Lollipop. Soap, Lollipop. Soap.

[B]

Soap on.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Good morning to you guys.

[A]

Here we go. Look, the soap. See? Don't you wish your own hands could cheat your body?

[B]

All right, I'm killing it. Low key. You are.

[A]

You're going.

[B]

You're going crazy.

[A]

Don't switch hands yet. Here we go. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap, lollipop, Lollipop. Soap. Soap, lollipop. Soap. Soap. Soap. Lollipop, Lollipop. Soap, lollipop. Soap. Soap, lollipop. It's bitter as.

[B]

You like that.

[A]

No, the first one wasn't that bad. Now, the first one wasn't half bad, but then it. Once it hits.

[B]

Okay. All right. My brain can't process so fast.

[A]

Switch hands. Bro, if your hands couldn't cheat your body.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like if it was in a machine. Yeah, Even a little bit. You had to hold it for we'd be out of there. Huh? Said hold it for you. I go. All right.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

So. So. So. Lollipop. Lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap, lollipop.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

Soap. That deserves a lick. You suck. Lick the soap, lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap, lollipop, lollipop. So your hands switch in a different. Oh, my God. I couldn't even get you with it.

[B]

Smelling the sip. One more. Here we go. Oh.

[A]

When it dissolves, it is bad. Soap, lollipop, lollipop. Soap. Soap, lollipop, lollipop. Soap, Soap. Liquor.

[B]

Soap.

[A]

It's so bad.

[B]

You do it the same.

[A]

So bad. Oh, I thought we were done.

[B]

With what? Oh. All right, close your eyes.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh. Oh.

[B]

All right.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Close your eyes. Yep. Soap, Soap, soap, lolly.

[A]

Soap, lolly, lolly. Soap, lolly, lolly.

[B]

So you gotta. Yeah. Oh, here we go.

[A]

Dude. When I mess up, my body tries to, like, fix my wrongs.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

Soap, lolly. Soap, Soap. Soap, lolly. Soap, lol. Lolly, lolly. Soap, lolly, lolly, lolly.

[B]

Soap, lolly.

[A]

Peyton, what was he doing? He licked the lollipop three different times.

[B]

All right. You're cheating, Cam.

[A]

No, she's getting that real good flavor.

[B]

Switch hands.

[A]

I knew you were going to do that. Lolly, lolly. Soap, lolly. Soap, Soap, Soap, lolly, lolly. Soap, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly. Soap, lolly. Soap, Soap, soap. Okay, that's what's gonna. Oh, my God. That's what's gonna get us. You can switch up that cadence, dude. Mine's. Oh, my God.

[B]

Switch hands.

[A]

No, no. Like, be like lolly.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm getting, like, high.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Soap, lolly.

[A]

I almost licked that off the first one. I literally went. Soap, soap, lolly. Soap, lolly, lolly.

[B]

Soap, lolly, lolly.

[A]

Soap, lolly, lolly.

[B]

Soap, Soap, soap, soap. Lowell.

[A]

Lolly, lolly.

[B]

Soap, lolly.

[A]

Soap, soap, lolly, lolly. Soap, Soap, lolly, lolly, lolly. Soap, Soap, lolly, lolly, lolly. Soap, Soap, lolly. Soap, Soap, lolly. Soap, lolly.

[B]

Soap, soap, Lope. Yeah. That is disgusting. I'm done. I literally think my tongue is on fire. That was absolutely disgusting. Cam, you got to get us out of here, bro.

[A]

Yeah, that's. No, I'm not going to lie. So now that. Now I understand the punishment. That sucks that going in there from cussing. Yeah. You. You're not going to cuss again.

[B]

Get us out of here.

[A]

All right, everybody. Thank you so, so much. Coming Back to episode 151. We are so happy to be back. The baby boy is happy, healthy, and safe. He is delivered to the house. Little cross now little cross eyed. Sometimes they'll just hit you with one of these and go just like. Yeah, I know. It's kind of. He's literally copying paste. But he's good, which means we're good. And we are back here every single week. No more pre recorded. And we are so happy that you came back to this episode. We absolutely love you. And the Patreon is the first link in the description. The reason I am saying that is because there's so many things coming to it. The koala royalty had their first ever exclusive episode. An entire episode of the podcast only went to that tier. Not never gonna be on YouTube. Never gonna be on any other tiers. There's so many other things on Patreon. Check it out.

[B]

Cam did it from the toilet. He joined from the toilet.

[A]

I joined from. I joined from the loop. The porcelain throne. But check that out. There's so many other things on Patreon. The Facebook, Twitch, Instagrams. Everything is linked right below. Y'all already know that.

[B]

Tour tickets coming. Tour announcement.

[A]

Tour tickets coming soon for announcement. And tickets coming very, very soon. We cannot wait to see you all this summer.

[B]

Club gets it first. Sorry.

[A]

Koala club always gets it first. So go ahead and join that Patreon. But until next week, confuse the casuals. Get your good karma with this week's secret code. I think fittingly, it has to be wbm.

[B]

We bought Malachi.

[A]

Welcome, baby Malachi.

[B]

Welcome.

[A]

Welcome, baby Malachi. Y'all will see him soon on Patreon as well. He will also make an appearance here eventually.

[B]

Oh, as soon as he can say words, I'm milking him for everything he's got. Put this mic right here. Big speak to him, Malachi.

[A]

But we absolutely love you all. Until next week.

[B]

Remember, 1 out of 10, Walmart don't make it over Christmas. And we'll see you next time. No, hey, we got to.

[A]

He's still awake.

[B]

Yeah. We got to fix his eyes.

[A]

No, shut his eyes.