THE NAUGHTY ROBOT CHALLENGE! -You Should Know Podcast-

Summary

You Should Know Podcast – Episode: "THE NAUGHTY ROBOT CHALLENGE!"

Release Date: December 23, 2024

Hosted by Peyton Hardin and Cameron Kennedy from Wood Elf Media, the "You Should Know Podcast" delves into the hilarious and often candid conversations between two best friends. In their 144th episode, titled "THE NAUGHTY ROBOT CHALLENGE!," Peyton and Cameron embrace the holiday spirit while sharing uproarious stories, critiques of Christmas traditions, and engaging in a playful trivia quiz. Below is a comprehensive summary capturing all key points, discussions, insights, and conclusions from the episode.

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1. Welcome and Holiday Greetings

The episode kicks off with Peyton and Cameron extending warm holiday wishes to their listeners. They emphasize the importance of family and friends during the festive season.

• Peyton [00:57]: "We are all celebrating this together. We love you so much. Let's keep expanding this family."

They encourage listeners to support the podcast by subscribing, sharing, and joining their various platforms like Patreon, Twitter, Discord, and Twitch.

2. Christmas-Themed Outfits and Studio Antics

In a humorous segment, Cameron surprises Peyton with matching Christmas tree jackets and Santa hats, leading to a playful exchange about their festive attire.

• Cameron [04:05]: "I got you the same matching tree jacket. There you go."
• Peyton [04:24]: "Are you kidding me? This is a kitten home. I got a kitten crib on my head."

Their banter highlights their close friendship and knack for teasing each other, setting a jovial tone for the episode.

3. The Chili's Nightmare Experience

Peyton narrates a particularly frustrating experience at a Chili's restaurant, sharing a detailed account of encountering an 84-year-old man and his tumultuous family. The story underscores poor customer service and escalating tensions.

• Peyton [07:32]: "We get in this Chili's. It's like 2 o'clock on a Tuesday. No one's in the Chili's."
• Peyton [08:00]: "He orders a beer and says, it's my 84th birthday. And I said, okay, this guy doesn't care about jokes."

As the meal progresses, the elderly customer becomes increasingly demanding, insisting his food remains hot and rejecting portions of his order. This leads to confrontations involving his daughter and granddaughter, ultimately resulting in a chaotic dining experience.

• Peyton [12:33]: "If this guy wasn't 84, I could sneeze on you, and you'd fall and crack your head."
• Cameron [12:07]: "We have a couple weeks away from YSK 2025, and you know there's going to be so many new things coming. We cannot wait to share this with you."

The narrative serves as both a comedic recounting and a vent against unacceptable service behaviors, resonating with listeners who may have faced similar frustrations.

4. Critique of Christmas Traditions

Peyton and Cameron engage in a lively debate about various Christmas traditions, expressing skepticism and humorously criticizing elements like the "Elf on the Shelf."

• Cameron [20:26]: "Elf on a shelf is creepy."
• Peyton [20:43]: "A lot of people trying to force these Christmas like, traditions on me, make me not want to celebrate it."

They discuss the origins and implications of maintaining certain traditions, questioning their relevance and enjoyment.

5. The Meanest People During the Holidays

Transitioning from their Chili's story, the hosts delve into identifying the most antagonistic individuals encountered during the holiday season, focusing on roles like TSA agents, Post Office workers, and DMV employees.

• Cameron [41:00]: "The three people that are just so mean and anti Christmas."
• Peyton [41:36]: "TSA. Okay, good. We're good."

a. TSA Agents

They express frustration with TSA agents, citing invasive inspections and strict regulations as major pain points.

• Peyton [42:03]: "You protect our country, and I appreciate it, but that's it."
• Cameron [42:14]: "Don't throw my bag. Don't throw my bag."

b. DMV Employees

Next, they discuss the DMV, highlighting long wait times, lack of clarity in requirements, and unhelpful staff.

• Cameron [47:03]: "But sometimes it is not clear what I need to bring to the DMV."
• Peyton [48:11]: "The DMV is worse for me because of the duration you're there."

c. Post Office Workers

Post Office experiences are also criticized, particularly pointing out unhelpful and rude interactions.

• Cameron [43:21]: "You need to fix that. You got to talk to Mary."
• Peyton [43:56]: "There's no way they're born."

These discussions underscore common frustrations with essential service roles, especially intensified during the busy holiday period.

6. Family Christmas Anecdotes and Animal Antics

The hosts share personal stories about their families' unique Christmas traditions, including unconventional pets and humorous mishaps.

• Peyton [35:50]: "How are you here and not on, like, Trailer Park Boys?"
• Cameron [33:40]: "We had a turtle, opossum, baby rabbits, and frogs all in the backyard."

They humorously recount attempts to domesticate wild animals and the chaos that ensues, painting a vivid picture of unconventional holiday celebrations.

7. Critique of Christmas Cuisine

Peyton and Cameron compare Christmas food to Thanksgiving, lamenting the repetition and lack of novelty in holiday meals.

• Cameron [27:18]: "It's not Christmas, but it's a story from hell."
• Peyton [28:03]: "They wake up, they're like, oh, there's an elf with the parachute."

They argue that Christmas meals often mirror Thanksgiving offerings, leading to a sense of déjà vu rather than festive excitement.

• Cameron [29:03]: "A lot of y'all kids are stupid. Who believes that?"
• Peyton [28:10]: "What's the differences? We don't have a turkey on Christmas. We only have a hand."

Their conversation reflects a desire for more diverse and exciting culinary traditions during the holidays.

8. Christmas Trivia Quiz

In an interactive segment, Peyton and Cameron conduct a Christmas-themed trivia quiz, filled with playful banter and occasional inaccuracies.

• Peyton [81:51]: "Which popular Christmas beverage is also called milk punch?"
• Cameron: "Eggnog."

Despite some confusion and humorous mistakes, the quiz serves as an entertaining way to engage listeners.

• Cameron [83:09]: "Damn it. That's got to get muted."

• Peyton [85:43]: "What country started the tradition of putting up a Christmas tree?"

• Cameron: "Germany."

The quiz concludes with mixed results, showcasing the hosts' comedic chemistry.

9. Robot and AI Discussions

Aligned with the episode title, the hosts delve into humorous and speculative conversations about robots and AI, particularly in the context of personal relationships and societal implications.

• Cameron [65:00]: "If a Megan Fox AI robot was available, and I'm not making jokes, I would marry that."
• Peyton [66:26]: "She's not real."

They imagine scenarios where AI robots become integrated into daily life, blending humor with absurdity.

• Cameron [67:03]: "I'm never gonna get married."

Their dialogues reflect a satirical take on the increasing presence of technology in personal spaces, emphasizing the comedic aspect.

10. Concluding Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, Peyton and Cameron express excitement for upcoming content, particularly teasing enhancements to their Patreon offerings and future episodes.

• Peyton [90:33]: "Don't miss this week's Patreon."
• Cameron [92:13]: "We are right here at the Cusp. The Koala Club."

They reiterate their holiday greetings, encouraging listeners to spread joy and stay connected through their various platforms.

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Notable Quotes

• Peyton [12:33]: "If this guy wasn't 84, I could sneeze on you, and you'd fall and crack your head."

• Cameron [20:26]: "Elf on a shelf is creepy."

• Cameron [41:00]: "The three people that are just so mean and anti Christmas."

• Cameron [65:00]: "If a Megan Fox AI robot was available, and I'm not making jokes, I would marry that."

Conclusion

In "THE NAUGHTY ROBOT CHALLENGE!" episode, Peyton and Cameron deliver a blend of relatable holiday frustrations, personal anecdotes, and comedic critiques of Christmas traditions. Their dynamic interaction and candid storytelling provide listeners with both laughter and reflection on the complexities of celebrating during the festive season. The episode not only entertains but also invites listeners to share their own experiences and join the growing community of the "You Should Know Podcast."

Happy Holidays from Peyton and Cameron! 🎄✨

Transcript

[A]

The holidays are about spending time with your loved ones and creating magical memories.

[B]

That will last a lifetime.

[A]

So whether it's family and friends you haven't seen in a while, or those.

[B]

Who you see all the time, share.

[A]

Holiday magic this season with an ice cold Coca Cola.

[B]

Copyright 2024 the Coca Cola Company.

[A]

This.

[B]

Episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Big smiles, rocking tunes and epic drinks. Dutch Bros. Is all about you. Choose from a variety of custom, customizable handcrafted beverages like our Rebel energy drinks, coffees, teas and more. Download the Dutch Bros app for a free medium drink plus find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards offer valid for new app users only. Free medium drink Reward upon registration. 14 day expiration terms apply. See DutchBros.com.

[A]

The you should Know Podcast hey everybody.

[B]

Welcome back to the yous should know podcast episode 144. The Christmas episode. Round of applause please. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Hey everybody, welcome back to youtune O podcast. If you are new here or if you haven't already and you look below, you see the subscribe button isn't pressed, you're wrong. If you look even more below that and you see that comment section, is it fulfilled with your name? Guess what? Even more wrong. Go ahead and fill that out. The Christmas episode of the you Should Know podcast. So I just want to say Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays to everybody watching. Y'all are family to us. So we are all celebrating this together. We love you. We love you so much. Let's keep expanding this family. Let's keep getting new cousins and sisters and brothers and little pets and dogs and gerbils and all that. So share this podcast with your friends. The best Christmas gift you could get for us is just sticking around, sharing this podcast with your friends and joining the Patreon, joining the Twitter, the Discord, the Twitch. Shout out to everybody in the watch party. We love you so much. We are a couple weeks away from YSK 2025 and you know there's going to be so many new things coming. We cannot wait to share this with you. We've been working really hard and I know that y'all have been waiting. We love you. We love you. We love you. Let's just get into it now. On to the rest of the episode.

[A]

You SHOULD Know podcast.

[B]

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[A]

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[A]

Jingle bell, jingle belle.

[B]

Literally there's dust flying up. Do you see that? Is something on fire? Dude, it literally was like dust, like accumulating up.

[A]

It got my nose though.

[B]

Yeah, but Cam. Happy Christmas episode to you, buddy.

[A]

Merry Christmas to you, beautiful.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, but you're not dressed too Christmassy.

[A]

Yeah, I kind of miss missed the memo. You told me, hey, just show up. I said, we doing something cool. You said, no, don't worry about yourself. I said, peyton, I need to know. You said, God.

[B]

Okay, but I do have something for you so we can be matching for this Christmas episode.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

I got you the same matching tree jacket. There you go.

[A]

Hey, I like it.

[B]

There you go. Put it on.

[A]

Yeah, a matching tree jacket. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, the tag's still on it.

[A]

No, no, the tag's on. Slightly embarrassing. It's okay. You spent.

[B]

Go throw it on. Throw it on. Yeah. Let's see if you how you look, bubba. Oh, God. Yeah, that's what honestly, I was thinking about whenever I was getting these. I was like, cam sweats a lot and it's gonna be hot in the studio. And you're wearing gray sweatpants. Oh, I see your little moose knuckles.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

I see that.

[A]

Look.

[B]

You look good. And. And I got you a matching Christmas hat. A little Santa hat.

[A]

Okay, well, this is where it might go downhill.

[B]

I got it right in your size.

[A]

You are such a.

[B]

It's a good size. For you.

[A]

Now, what would you do if this still kind of fits Snug.

[B]

There, you got the.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

You look good.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I saw that and I was like, they do make inclusive hats.

[A]

Look at me.

[B]

Oh, you want to know what that sounds like?

[A]

A hedgehog. Like. Like, Sonic.

[B]

You don't know what that hat's actually for?

[A]

What?

[B]

To house kittens.

[A]

Are you. This is a kitten home. I got a kitten crib on my head. Are you kidding me?

[B]

Oh, it's so high in this.

[A]

Look at me. Look at me. Okay. It's. It's good to know that this is too big.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm gonna go in the back like that. So see in here?

[B]

But even better, Cam.

[A]

No.

[B]

We don't even have to wear these hats, though.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I found out before recording. Oh, we can turn into Christmas trees.

[A]

Look like a Teletubby.

[B]

We could be Christmas trees, buddy.

[A]

This is the biggest cat ever, so. Thank God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, God. This might not be good.

[B]

You look well. No, you are.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

No, I'm not. You don't have to look it.

[A]

What do you mean? I look.

[B]

I don't look good? No. Yeah, you look like more of like.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I can't say it.

[A]

You should, though.

[B]

Like, you have an expiration date.

[A]

Like a patient. I look like. I. I look like the city came.

[B]

In and brought a potluck like. Like to my floor. Like, Spider Man's going to come say hi.

[A]

Like John Cena is creeping through the hallway right now.

[B]

Can't stay. But Merry Christmas to you.

[A]

Merry Christmas. Thank you, buddy.

[B]

Thank you. And.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

How is. How is your week this week?

[A]

Okay, Can I get. Can I directly. Directly get into something? Yeah, this episode that I've been sitting on and waiting for about four or five days. Okay.

[B]

Is it. Is it Christmasy?

[A]

It is not Christmas, but it's a story from hell.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

When I say that it is nuts.

[B]

I love it. Let's. Let's go. Let's get into it.

[A]

I'll speed up quick and then I'll tell details. Here we go. So me and Liv had a baby appointment. We go to the baby appointment. There's a Chili's right around the corner. We always eat lunch there afterwards, talk about it. So we get to this Chili's. This is where this day became one we'll never forget.

[B]

Right?

[A]

We get in this chili's. It's like 2 o'clock on a Tuesday. No one's in the Chili's. So we're Sitting down, ordering all this stuff. And this old man, like, old 84. It was his 84th birthday.

[B]

Oh, it was his birthday.

[A]

It was his birthday. And I heard him say that that's cute because he ordered a beer. And the guy goes, I'll need to see your ID, joking with him. He goes, it's my 84th birthday. And I said, okay. This guy, he doesn't care about jokes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

84 year old. His daughter, who's like 60.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Okay. And then her granddaughter, who's like 15.

[B]

Okay. We got generations.

[A]

Four generations at one table.

[B]

Yes. So we got slavery, and then we got segregation, and then we got inclusive. I got it. We got all of them here. Yeah, we got them all.

[A]

We don't discriminate the chili. So it starts with he. They order chips and queso.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Random, right? So their food comes out like their dinner is ready. Waiter comes around, goes, here, I got some food for you. He goes, take it back.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Literally just like that, take it back. You see, we're still working on the chips. I don't want it yet. Take it back. And when that food comes out, it better be hotter. I'm sending it back again.

[B]

Oh, no, He's a bad person.

[A]

No, he's a bad. He's an asshole.

[B]

Okay. I give him grace. Oh, no, 84, you're on your way out. I'd be mean to. Yeah.

[A]

He doesn't care about anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the waiter, literally holding three meals and goes. And then his daughter looks up and goes, you heard him. Oh, And I go, these people suck.

[B]

Okay? Bad.

[A]

These people.

[B]

Whole family's horrible.

[A]

Family sucks. Little girl, she's fine. The whole story. She didn't do anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the food goes back. I kid you not. He goes like this. Waiter, waiter. In a Chili's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This. We're on a saloon. We're not out in the. In the nowhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is Chili's in the middle of Texas. Waiter. The guy comes up, he goes, now, I said I wanted you to keep that food back there until we're done. Make sure you can keep it hot. Did you hear me? He goes, well, yeah. No, this. And we're connecting booth to him. We are connect. They're directly behind us. He goes, yes, sir. I did. He goes, all right. So like I said, when it comes out, it better be hot. And I'm like. At this point, me and Liv are looking at each other like, what is happening? These are the worst people ever, right? So then he finishes his beer again. He goes, waiter. Like, he's not. He's not doing this.

[B]

He's not waving hand. Yeah.

[A]

There's no one in this chili's. There's maybe two, maybe 20 people in a whole Chili's waiter screaming, bro. Like, just obnoxious guy comes back, goes, I need another beer. You see it's empty. And I go, this guy is the worst tyrant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So then they finish the chips. They. The. The waiter sends his boss. She comes back, she goes, are you ready for your meal now? He goes, yes, we are. We're finally done with our appetizer. That's typically how meals go. Appetizers first, entrees second. And like I told your boy, if it's not hot, I'm sending it back. And I'm like, you can only imagine me.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

They're literally. He's directly to my.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I'm looking at Liv. He's looking at his daughter that way.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm directly sharing space with him. Fu comes back out. Shit. You not the first thing. Fu comes out there. He literally goes. He goes, I ordered six nachos. I order a half order of nachos. He goes, sir, we don't. We don't make half orders. So that there's just 12. So every other restaurant, if I ask for six, they can give me six. But y'all can't. He's complaining. He got more food for the same price. More food?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, I only want six. And his daughter looks up, goes, well, dad, just eat six and make them throw the other six away. Like, they're. They're the worst people ever.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

The whole time this keeps happening, he takes a bite out of his nacho, and he literally. I'm gonna pretend this is the napkin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Takes a sip of his beer, and he goes. And he stands up, he walks into the kitchen. He walks directly outside of the kitchen and goes like this with his hand. And I'm like, what is he doing? He really goes. Because he's still chewing his nacho.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They go, sir, can I help you something? He goes, you got any salt? You got salt? I guess I'll season it myself. And we are. We are blown away. So then finally. And it's the same waiter, and he's like a nice young 20s kid working at Chili.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the waiter comes back to us, and we go, dude, I'm sorry. Like, that is. You just know you're doing great. Like, you're doing great with us. Great service. They suck. Just go about your day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So then finally, the woman starts Complaining about her meal. Something's wrong. She wants sliced onions instead of diced.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And finally, they're still. They're just going in on this waiter. And Liv can't take it anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, she just can't do it. Whatever. And she literally goes, y'all are just being rude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Out loud. To the woman. The woman goes, mind your business. Oh, yeah. So then I turn around and I'm looking at them both, and I'm just sitting there looking. And she go. And Live goes, we all are being rude. And she goes, you should just stay in your own booth and mind your business. Nobody was talking to you. And then the grandpa does this again. He goes like he's about to stand up. And I literally.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It was honestly such a strange emotion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, if this guy wasn't 84.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then stand up all you want.

[B]

And we're gonna figure this out.

[A]

Gonna figure it out. But you're 84. I could. I could sneeze on you, and you'd fall and crack your head. So I'm like. I don't know. I'm kind of lost. I'm like, I can't punch an 84 year old or push him.

[B]

Nothing. You can't do anything.

[A]

So then luckily, his daughter goes, dad, don't say anything to her. And he goes. And then her and Liv just exchanged words for a little bit, and they are the worst people ever. So then they finally come out, and she goes, my burger was awful. Y'all missed the mark on it. Service is horrible. You gave my dad too much food, and he had to get his own salt. I think we're gonna never come back. And they're still professionals. Could we take the bill off for you? She goes, no. Do you want another burger? No, but let me get a To go box.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

So you hate the food, but you want your leftovers. You want to make sure you eat the rest of it.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

So finally she asked the little girl, she goes, how was your meal, sweetest granddaughter?

[B]

Oh, it was perfect.

[A]

It was great. And I go, yeah, that's what I thought. So that's awful. The Chili's, we go and apologize to them and we leave, right? And me and Liv are sitting there talking about it. What the hell? Did we just experience it?

[B]

Right?

[A]

And then on the way back, like, back to outside the Chili's, I go in the bathroom. There's a guy on the phone. No, I said, it's in the fridge. It's in the fridge. Fridge. Like excessively And I'm pissing next to him, and I finally look at him, and he goes. He's about death as shit. And I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, he's my old grandpa. He's on his way out.

[B]

And I'm like, what is happening with old people there?

[A]

Literally, what is happening? We leave the Chili's on the way back home. German shepherd, middle of the highway. And I'm not kidding. There's traffic.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Not fully alive with a pink harness on, but just strut.

[B]

Oh, he just got loose.

[A]

Just strutting around. I'm assuming it's a she. Big old pink harness. German shepherd.

[B]

Wait. Highway. Like, we're 80 miles per hour.

[A]

We dead stop. And I'm like, there's not a wreck. There's no emergency vehicles. What's going on? And all of a sudden, this cute little German shepherd just going through the.

[B]

Walking through the highway.

[A]

And then when it passed, everyone sped off. And I was like, I don't think we can ever go to that chili's, ever.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. If that's happening, I'm staying home for a week. I'm not experiencing.

[A]

It was. And all of that was in within, like, two hours.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Nuts.

[B]

Let's take an alternative route here. Old man stands up.

[A]

Dude, I don't know.

[B]

I really comes to your table.

[A]

Oh, no. Because he would have called live. A word you can't say.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, so he was a part of that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, yeah. He would have said something that. No matter how much I didn't want to do something to an old man. Respect your elders, all that nonsense.

[B]

I don't think. I don't believe in that.

[A]

I. I mean, when they're like, 40, 50. Let's say you're a grown man. I'm a grown man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're 80, it's like, I don't know. You could have served our country. I don't know. But it doesn't.

[B]

Excuse.

[A]

Excuse. But if he would have said a word. That's unforbid. If you would have said Voldemort.

[B]

But the other version. Yeah, no, I would have had.

[A]

I would have had. What you say.

[B]

No, the. More.

[A]

No, just kidding. If you said that, it would have triggered something inside of me. Don't know what happened, because I don't. I don't want to be that person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I would have had to.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's. That's where I'm fine with it.

[B]

What do you think I would have done in that position? You.

[A]

You Bro, you would have. I mean, luckily, the guy did not say a single word, so I kind of. I was just like, you know, okay, she's not talking crazy to my wife. She's saying, mind your business. Like, y'all are being rude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But as soon as, like, if it would have escalated more and you would have been there or I would have been there, we definitely. It would have been a verbal battle.

[B]

Oh, I would have been a lot of verbal shots. I would. I would literally been the most annoying person to be around. Like, I would have literally, like, brough my chair or brought a chair right to their table. I would have done something to make them uncomfortable.

[A]

I wanted to say, old man, I will. That can't stay. But that's what I wanted to say, if I'm being honest.

[B]

And that just sucks because we're in the holiday spirit. We're out here dressed as Christmas tree. CJ's got bells on his chest.

[A]

Bluey.

[B]

Honestly, a lot of people do suck. It's. It's bad.

[A]

No, it's. It's annoying and I don't know why. There's no reason. Be happy. Have a smile.

[B]

Am I going to be a little ba humbuggish right now, though, with what I'm about to say?

[A]

I swear to God. You didn't speak English. You didn't just say something in American English? I don't know what you just said.

[B]

A little bahambiggish. No.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

That sounded like a slur.

[A]

That sounded slurry. That sounded like it carries a sentence.

[B]

No, that's. That's CJ's Christmas. CJ's Christmas is real slurry. A little slurry. No black hole in his. In his stocking. If we want something in there, it's cold.

[A]

It's white as snow. Oh, no. Seriously, what are you saying?

[B]

Bah humbugish.

[A]

I'm. I'm not even trying to troll you. Bah humbuggish.

[B]

Bah humbug. Bah humbugish.

[A]

Bah hum. Buggish.

[B]

Yeah, but buggish is mine.

[A]

What the is that? What is bomb? Ha. Bugish.

[B]

Baja blast.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

No, no, you're not.

[A]

You're not saying you've never been a kid. See? No, I'm not letting you do.

[B]

Stop it. Wait a minute.

[A]

Oh, no, you' you're not back on your. Oh, my family said it can mudge and zis and mudge and zas.

[B]

No, I smell peanut butter.

[A]

What?

[B]

You never on Christmas, right? And you had a Bad attitude on Christmas. And an old white woman came up to you and said, bah humbug.

[A]

Okay, that's your problem there. One, my old white women, they stayed seated when I was opening this and couldn't see. And couldn't see. Couldn't really hear too well. And second, I didn't have a bad attitude on Christmas because it's Christmas. You were ungrateful swine. And your grandma got up and said.

[B]

Just because she's German doesn't mean she sounded like that.

[A]

And you went.

[B]

You never heard ba humbug.

[A]

Dude, that's not real.

[B]

Ba humbug is a word.

[A]

What is cj? You heard a baham.

[B]

Doesn't know anything.

[A]

See, CJ knows. No, get him out of here.

[B]

Ba humbug means. You're like, get it out. Okay. Ba humbug means like. It's like the negative person on Christmas. You're being a humbug.

[A]

What the.

[B]

I'm explaining it. Quit asking.

[A]

What is a humbug?

[B]

I don't know. What is the. What does green mean exactly?

[A]

It's just a color.

[B]

And humbug is an action.

[A]

You just said it was a person.

[B]

It's a verb. What's a person? Place. That's a noun, adjective.

[A]

And this guy got an English award. Adjective is describing something that is a funny person. That is a big car.

[B]

It's a noun. Adjective. It's a noun. It's a noun.

[A]

Humbugs. A ball.

[B]

Humbug is like a negative person on Christmas.

[A]

Okay? I'll accept that moving forward, knowing it's nonsense.

[B]

You know, it's 100 a real thing. And everybody in the comments is gonna say it. You just didn't have Christmas spirit.

[A]

Okay, you said curmudgeons was real as well.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Get your. Get back.

[B]

But I think that's because of red lining and all that lack of resources.

[A]

They just threw a word together. They said, we gotta go. Get off. Come on. That's so. Oh, all right, Bahambug. I'm not a B. Humbug.

[B]

No. But I'm gonna be a little Bahambiggish.

[A]

Oh, why?

[B]

I'm gonna be a little Bahambug right now.

[A]

Why would you choosingly willingly do this?

[B]

Because a lot of like, I love Christmas. I love Jesus.

[A]

What are you.

[B]

I'm putting that first.

[A]

You're about to get struck.

[B]

I'm gonna say a lot of Christmas traditions are bs.

[A]

Okay, well, now I agree.

[B]

I. I'm not gonna lie. A lot of people trying to force these Christmas like, traditions on me, make me not want to celebrate it. You know what I mean?

[A]

Good morning. I wouldn't go that far. Like, I think some could be left out.

[B]

And. And it's a little bit the way I was raised. My mom never had a small mannequin man on our mantle and said, hey, at night he's gonna move. You know what I mean? That's stupid as shit. Elf on a shelf. How about sit him down somewhere else?

[A]

Elf on a shelf is creepy.

[B]

It is. So why is that a thing?

[A]

It's very new.

[B]

Very new. It was. It literally was not new.

[A]

It wasn't around when we were kids.

[B]

That's definitely around. Since the world is black and white.

[A]

Elf on a shelf has been around. Since the world is black and white.

[B]

Elf on a shelf is not new.

[A]

Elf and shelf. Elf on a shelf is relatively new.

[B]

What came first, the iPhone or elf on a shelf?

[A]

IPhone.

[B]

You're crazy as hell.

[A]

CJ, please fact check that you continue.

[B]

No, Elf on the shelf has been a thing. But first of all, why? What does that mean?

[A]

Sucks, regardless. And then the people that go all out, they have it. They have it like trailing dust one day, and the next day it's eating a box of donuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. To hell with that.

[B]

I'm not going to lie. A lot of yalls kids are stupid. Who believes that?

[A]

They wake up, they're like, oh, there's an elf with the parachute. No. Christmas is on the 25th. That's when you're opening gifts. This elf isn't bringing anything but bad juju and demons.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, well, no.

[A]

That's why I don't have.

[B]

And. And I never believed in. Maybe I'm this way because I never believed in Santa. I never did that because my parents showed me their early.

[A]

They said, I got you that. You like that bike. You think Mark? You don't think Santa or Jack, Nick, whatever his name is? No, I. Okay, this is. This is where we have a fundamental agreement. What does it say it was in 2005? Hmm.

[B]

IPhones were not in 2005.

[A]

2007, I was two years old. Anyway. Relatively new for the world.

[B]

I don't wipe and I don't believe that. 20 years old, and I don't believe that. Maybe that's when it got commercialized, but it was underground scene for sure.

[A]

Have no tree now. This elf's gonna bring us.

[B]

I don't like when you do that.

[A]

I need to stop doing it. I need to stop doing that. But that's where we. That's. We're very different.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I was a heavy Santa guy. Heavy Santa, Yeah.

[B]

But your parents never posed that threat, though.

[A]

Yeah, no. Like, wasn't scared.

[B]

You knew if somebody broke into your house, the police are gonna get called. 100% I knew somebody broke into my house. There's a scene happening.

[A]

Like, there's gonna be something to mop up and you're gonna hear a loud.

[B]

Yeah, like, I knew that early. So I was like, I was, I was asking. And first of all, we didn't have a chimney. So I was like, his brother coming.

[A]

Through the window, is he breaking the door down? I go, how does he have our keys?

[B]

That's exactly what I asked.

[A]

No, I said, one year too. I said, how does Santa get in? And then I think my mom's like, well, he's all, he's all knowing. He's all powerful. I said, jesus, Santa. Jesus, Mom. And she went, oh, no. I said, so does he have a kid, like a big key Smith guy?

[B]

And then I asked my mom, I said, we got adt, don't we?

[A]

I was like, why is the alarm not going off? Seep through the wall. Notice the Passion Kool Aid man just puts gifts. It's a cookie and leaves.

[B]

Yeah. And I was like, and, and my parents hated cookies. My parents are not sweets people. Like, that's why I'm not a sweets person. And so we. They'd never let me do the cookie thing because no one was gonna eat that. And, and, and my dog would have got to it. And if we. I woke up one morning, there's a dead lab because he had a chocolate chip.

[A]

Merry Christmas. Malcolm's like, that is so messed up. No, my fat ass. I'd make a whole roll of cookies. I'd leave Santa about 2. I get about 11 down the pipe. I'd go, lay down with a stomachache, wake up at 5 o'clock, go wake up my dad, who just worked a 14 hour shift, say, hey, Christmas time, pleasant time. And then we go, there I go, and rip everything over.

[B]

My dad hated my dad. Should have went to CVS before.

[A]

He's like, oh, no. He'd get up there, he'd watch me. Dude, did you. What you just say? What did you just say? You think my father doesn't want me?

[B]

There's been times. Oh, for sure. If you're waking up after 14 hours, Shift say, puezzas. Yeah.

[A]

I go, please. Christmas, Christmas. It's 5:00. He got home at 2.

[B]

Yeah, and then you go, you go to the living room. And then Lisa's like, cam, look, Santa ate the cookies. You're like, no, Lisa, that was me. Yeah.

[A]

I go, no, I had a lot, mom. I had a lot. He actually took one bite. No, dude. My mom always, till this day, as a 26 year old man, if I'm opening a gift, my mom's like this. She goes, what'd you get, honey? Where's it from? Yeah. I go, look, hold it.

[B]

I'm Lisa.

[A]

Like, she's like, you gotta extend it though, like her. I go, oh, I got this thing right here, mom, I got this. It's a camera. I'm like, mom, no, it's this cool box. I hit it off every time. She goes, every dude, every single Christmas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I wanted. And one year I finally, I was just like, mom, where are these pictures going?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She goes, oh, well, they were on my old phone. But then I got T boned and I lost that phone. I go, so let's stop the tradition with the car wreck.

[B]

But you know what?

[A]

I leave it in there.

[B]

You know, I do appreciate about my family's Christmas and I don't know, it's because Preston's touched but what he is, he's got special gifts. He's, he's a great guy.

[A]

He's fantastic.

[B]

But he's 6 4, 240 with the 51. And he's sitting crisscross applesauce. I love him to death with the 40 ounce cores. President 8:00am but, but Preston is the sweetest.

[A]

Oh, Merry Christmas. I smell the coffee. Peyton wakes up like.

[B]

But that, that is earthquake. That's one of my favorite things though because he is like a grown big man. But he's like, he is like dying. I know, me too. He's like a very sweet soul. So he still wants to keep like the childhood of like Christmas. So he'll sit crisscross applesauce on Christmas on the floor and like it'll pass out gifts one by one. And don't, don't try to open up two gifts at once.

[A]

He'll say, it's my turn. He goes back, he goes, wait, wait, you're sitting there. Oh, oh, okay, okay. Preston. He's like, yeah, yeah. One by one, thread by thread.

[B]

And it's so nice. Cuz a lot of our family gets us.

[A]

Oh, I, I could see that.

[B]

We'll get some draws in Preston's lives.

[A]

He's like, I've been needing this.

[B]

No, I'm not going to lie. There's a theory in my house that Preston has teeth on his. Because bro, what does that mean.

[A]

What does that mean? Explain that now, because your mother and father are in on a theory that your brother has teeth on his. There's no. What does that possibly mean?

[B]

Because in every pair of draws he has, there's a hole in the same spot, and he'd be biting them like. It's like some. Like it's a cloth bandit. He might do that. It might give an extra itch.

[A]

Hey, I had. I had one pair. Yeah, that was. It was like. It was just a sword swipe. It was like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was just wide open. My nut sack could just fall straight through at any time. Threw him away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Teeth on his gooch. No.

[B]

What are some other Christmas traditions that are just awful?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie. Can I say something about Christmas food real quick? You.

[A]

Now, you watch your tongue. You absolutely watch yourself.

[B]

Because it. Isn't it just Thanksgiving food with a different layout?

[A]

Thanksgiving Part 2, with a couple differences. That's it. And it's fantast.

[B]

What's the differences?

[A]

Watch your mouth.

[B]

What's the differences between.

[A]

We don't have a turkey on Christmas. We only have a hand.

[B]

A lot of people have turkey on Christmas. A lot of people do. Turkey.

[A]

Y'all have turkey on Christmas.

[B]

I don't. My family doesn't. We don't.

[A]

Well, turkey is. I believe it's from the Slavic lands. Oh, no, I was gonna say from the natives. It was a turkey bird. We took over and kind of. So we took that and said, let's eat it. Let's eat it.

[B]

Like that means something to you.

[A]

You like that, right? I mean. No, but that's Thanksgiving. There's a turn.

[B]

That's not right. No.

[A]

At all.

[B]

It's wrong, not right.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Okay, then why were you thinking about getting that Christopher Columbus tattoo?

[A]

Okay, you were. I'm getting a Columbus tattoo.

[B]

That's your guy.

[A]

No, it's not. My God.

[B]

You're like, he fought for what he wanted, and I want to do that.

[A]

No, he did, and he did. And now we can't change history. But that's not my guy. Oh, what the hell?

[B]

I could have sworn you had a poster.

[A]

It's like. It's like a. Like an album cover. It's like Mayflower, and it's like, for the parental advisory thing, he's like this.

[B]

Oh, every. This. This podcast might just have to move fully to Patreon because we keep toting.

[A]

The line, but Christmas food is ass.

[B]

Because it's the same as. Like, it's Thanksgiving now.

[A]

I told you to watch your tongue. I told you to watch your tongue. It's the same. So it's Thanksgiving ass.

[B]

No, but. But it's like. It's. It's the duplicate. It's a part two.

[A]

The thing that's like a month later, you get the same again that you don't get for another 11 months after Christmas dinner.

[B]

But the good thing about Thanksgiving food is you wait a whole calendar year and you miss all that food for a year. You're like, I can't wait to have that food again. That's the magic of the Thanksgiving.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But then the magic.

[A]

Dopamine let down.

[B]

Yeah, but the magic is gone whenever you're. It's not the same. It doesn't hit the same when you're just waiting a month.

[A]

It hits the same for me. Yeah, it's so good. You get your second plate. You might take your walk through the neighborhood. You get your third plate, you go to sleep, and then a month later you do it again. And then it's. It's a last month.

[B]

I hate having food conversations with Cam because. Because his family feeds him like a loose pig.

[A]

Yeah, my back is big.

[B]

They put up. They put a bucket out and everything's in there. And he's like. And they're like, cam, take a breath.

[A]

Dude. If my family fed me through a trough, that would be. No, that'd be so mess. I do mix most things, though, on my plate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I'll kind of just.

[B]

Dude, that's disgusting.

[A]

Yes or no? Have you ever shoveled off a plate?

[B]

Shoveled.

[A]

Like, I've picked the plate up, bent it a little like a big slice of pizza, Put it on my mouth, and I use my spoon, and I went.

[B]

I've absolutely never done that or even thought about it.

[A]

Big back activity, I guess.

[B]

Speaking of, like, froths. Wait, what troughs. The thing they feed pigs in. I got emotionally attached to this. What's it called, A cow that I saw online. It had a disease in the brain. I swear to God, it's dead now. Dead. Dead cow. Chick fil A. And so they would put like. He would be so excited. It was like a dog. Like a dumb dog. And its eyes are big and a little loose. And it would. I remember it would have like a bucket. The. The owner would be like, POV recording this thing. And it put the milk right on, like this little container to hold the bucket. And the cow would go eye deep into the bucket, like whole head submerged in there. And it eyes would Open this milk, kid. And then he'd, like, breathe, breathe. And he'd have to tap his head, and the. And the cow would come up and look at him and then go right back down. Died. I think that disease made it do that.

[A]

I bet the marbling on that steak was fantastic, though. I bet that steak was fire. So much calcium. He had milk in his eyeballs. That bitch was. That was a hell of a wagyu. I'm kidding. That's sad. Why? Okay, I'm not gonna lie the craziest part. You said his eyes were loose.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He said his eyes were loose.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did the cow have?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. It's some kind of brain disease, which is not okay.

[A]

It's not. And it's not okay. Funny.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

I have a tooth pain. I'm holding my lip. It's not funny.

[B]

You ever seen a deer that's a little throwed off? Those are. Those are fascinating.

[A]

Jump to the side and they're like. And then it goes for that mega jump, and it's, like, so bad. So. Oh. Oh, no.

[B]

What's the dumbest animal?

[A]

The dumbest animal?

[B]

Because deer are definitely up there. You ever seen a deer get trapped? And you let it loose and then it gets trapped in the same spot?

[A]

Dude, goats and sheeps, too.

[B]

Those are dumb.

[A]

They're very dumb. And that little stupid bitch that plays dead in the street. What's its name? Little Possum Bitch. Yeah. I hate possums. I don't know. I hate possums.

[B]

Why?

[A]

One, I feel like they stink. Two, they're ugly. And three, their best defense is to play dead. Are you kidding me?

[B]

No. You ever. You ever been around a meat?

[A]

He just said possums are blind. They're all blind.

[B]

No, they're not.

[A]

There's no way they're born.

[B]

I've had a possum attack me. It knew exactly where I was at.

[A]

What did you just say? We had a possum attacked you?

[B]

Yeah, we had a backyard possum. And it came after me one day. I didn't know it was there. It was at night. It's rabid.

[A]

You need to answer this next thing very, very carefully. When you say we had a backyard possum.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you talking about the Hardens?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's my family you tried to domesticate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A possum?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How are you here and not on, like, trailer park boys? How did you make it to that couch? Because you collected snails. You domesticate possums. You thought ADT was saving Santa. You didn't believe in him. His brother. Your brother has teeth in his gooch. How are y'all not like, in, like, Transylvania, like, in a different timeline?

[B]

Well, no, it's not like, I would try to leash it, but, like, I didn't want it to leave, so I put up barriers. Like, once it was captive.

[A]

So it was captive. We trapped him.

[B]

We fed him garbage and stuff. Like, we, like, like, loose bananas and stuff. You apple cores.

[A]

You fed him Mario Kart ammo. And you think that this was a.

[B]

Nice thing because Malcolm loved him.

[A]

Malcolm was probably foaming at the mouth on how he could eat him.

[B]

Probably. Yeah.

[A]

Every. What? Dude, there's.

[B]

There's. At one point, we had a turtle opossum, baby rabbits and frogs and snails. And snails all in the. In the backyard. And Malcolm, that's like a nightmare.

[A]

That literally sounds like a nightmare. No, like, you're sleepwalking and you open your eyes and it's like, half a zoo is in a backyard.

[B]

No, it was like heaven for a dog. And.

[A]

Oh, for Malcolm.

[B]

Yeah. And when Malcolm's happy, I'm happy. Until he started off in the squirrels and bringing them to the. To the back door and saying, here's a prize. I said, malcolm, look.

[A]

Look what I got you. Just looking at you. He's torn apart.

[B]

And I was like, malcolm, that's Trevor. Yeah. And then my dad have to get a shovel and put him in the recycling bin because he didn't want that in the trash.

[A]

I buried my cat in a. In a paper box. Yeah.

[B]

You say that's Sammy with the liver.

[A]

In the back in the backyard. Smell like hell.

[B]

Anyway, Christmas.

[A]

Your mom. Yeah, Christmas.

[B]

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[A]

You should know podcast, your mom's too good of a mom. How so? That is what. That is why you are who you are. Your mom is too good.

[B]

Why? Why do you say so?

[A]

To her own default. She's allowing you to have possums.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And snails and Jaws the turtle and all this shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's allowing you to have posters of a wet, half naked man in your room. Just everything. She's too good of a mom. No, she couldn't say no.

[B]

I yelled at her.

[A]

Unless it was in public. And you're going for a tour, she's like, boy. And then she pop you.

[B]

No public. She was very, like, not happy.

[A]

You could do whatever the hell you wanted. And thank God you're here with us and you didn't go the other route because I'm telling you, you were close, dog. If you had had a computer about three years earlier, you'd be buying bars. Oh, I was looking right now.

[B]

I was looking at Playboy on our family desktop, half chub, right where my mom does work. And I didn't know about browsing history. And so she sat me down one day and she goes, you know, you got to be careful what you look on the Internet. And I said, oh, you've seen the Playboy. I said, they're all that. And then I found out they had a play girl.

[A]

No, wait, wait, wait.

[B]

What?

[A]

What, What. What are you saying?

[B]

And then I was comparing and I said, oh.

[A]

You said, oh?

[B]

I said, oh, man, will mine ever get like that?

[A]

Mom, when did boys stop growing?

[B]

Yeah, bro, I'm gonna get taller, right? They do look like goddamn LeBron on the front page. I said, I can't compete.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, man.

[B]

Eight year old freedom and a computer. A lot can go wrong.

[A]

Okay, this is. This is a. This is a story. So bear with me, my friends. I used to go to my friend's house, he'd have older brother and he'd have pictures, like from magazines up on the wall.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And we would go in there, touch A nipple and sprint out of the room. And one day, that was like. That was the game. Yeah, that was touch the nipple. Run as fast as you could to his room. Shut the door, act like you were hiding. Rinse, repeat. Yeah, that was it. So one day we go in there. I touched the nipple, and I was the bigger kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I touched the nipple. Clear the doorway. I ran smooth over his mom. I ran directly over, like, truck.

[B]

You look like Ray Lewis.

[A]

Ed Reed. I literally was like. And she went, oh. Oh. Merry Christmas. No.

[B]

Oh, no, no, stop.

[A]

Oh. Oh, stop. Stop for me. You've shanked it. You've soiled it. You jumped on it, and you've stabbed it. You pour power right on it. But it stopped for me.

[B]

Oh, no. Okay, we'll take a break. We'll come back in a second. Okay. So the couch is completely destroyed.

[A]

I am at a. I am at a lean.

[B]

Yeah, this is bad.

[A]

Yeah, this is bad.

[B]

But, yeah, no, my mom didn't have a problem with the computer stuff until I made a friend on Club Penguin in the chat room.

[A]

Mm. Club Penguin is where now that you could have a. You could have a couple different friends. You're talking.

[B]

Yeah, that was Chris Hansen's recruiting process. Was the Club Penguin chat. She's like, you like pizza? Oh, Cam, your big back broke the couch.

[A]

I know, bro. Damn it. I'm leaning.

[B]

Yeah, your back's gonna hurt by the end of this because you're gonna have to sit up. But in the spirit. In the spirit of Halloween. I need a nap. In the spirit of Christmas, right? Dude, I'm going. I need a break.

[A]

You said it's so. So genuine, though. In the spirit of Halloween.

[B]

What? In the spirit of Christmas, right?

[A]

Let's hear it.

[B]

Christmas is all about warm, feeling good people, being nice to your neighbor, thinking outside of yourself, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Let's go to the opposite of that. The worst people in the world. Okay, I want to talk about three different type of people, right, that are absolutely just mean and cranky and ba. Humbug for no reason.

[A]

Christmas carolers.

[B]

No. Oh, my God. We talked about that last year.

[A]

Don't sing at my doorstep. Get out of here. It's in Texas. It's 63 out.

[B]

Yeah, it's like, I know you're hot.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

And what did he just say? I don't know. He said I should. That scared me, to be honest.

[A]

It's always silent.

[B]

Yeah. Let's rank these three, right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The three people that are just so mean and anti Christmas.

[A]

Okay. I'M ready.

[B]

TSA agents.

[A]

Okay, Bro.

[B]

Post office workers and people that work at the dmv. The three meanest people in the world.

[A]

As soon as you said TSA and post office, I said, dmv's on you. Okay? Shit. Okay, so one is the worst, means the worst. Three is the least out of the three. Then we're gonna dive into it.

[B]

Okay? But let's. Let's just. I think we can all agree there's a clear cut.

[A]

Number one.

[B]

Okay, you say it first.

[A]

Let's say at the same time, because it's clear if you say wrong.

[B]

I know. Okay.

[A]

Three, two, one.

[B]

Tsa. Okay, good. We're good.

[A]

Is. And it sucks. They get a bad rep, but they. You don't own me. You don't own the plane. You clock in on a pad. You protect our country, and I appreciate it, but that's it.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I remember you went on this rant about that, right? We could all agree they're bad. I don't make eye contact with them. It's like, hey, search me. Let's move it on. Right? Don't yell at me where my laptop and camcorder go.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And don't throw my bag. Don't throw my bag.

[A]

Don't even touch my bag. Don't touch my bag unless you have to. It goes through a machine. It scans it. You use a little knob. I have nothing in there. Go to the next person.

[B]

What's your second worst, second meanest out of those three?

[A]

I got mine.

[B]

Say it. No. Just say it.

[A]

Just say it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Dmv.

[B]

Okay, that's gonna be a popular opinion. One dmv.

[A]

You're not post office. Posty.

[B]

Have you ever been to the post office in the middle of the day?

[A]

See, I don't really ever. I only go when I go with you.

[B]

It's like, hey, there's so many rules here, and I don't understand it. Right? I get. There's a long line. I don't know how this works. Yes. Stop yelling at me.

[A]

It's 20, 24, and I'm standing in a post office. This isn't the back of my hand. I don't know your rules.

[B]

And it's post office are awkwardly quiet. It's like a Dennis waiting room.

[A]

No, it's like a morgue.

[B]

And you got this ex felon behind the counter screaming at me in front of everybody. It's like, brother, I get it, I get it. But I'm just trying to mail this letter out to my grandma with cancer in Wyoming. It's like, you don't have to yell at me. Like, these are funeral invites in here. And you're screaming at me because the stamp isn't on the right. So I don't know where to buy stamps.

[A]

I don't even know what mail is anymore. I have an iPhone 16, bro.

[B]

I go. I go up for the P.O. box for the you should know podcast, Right? Link in the description. Actually, we're getting a new one because I'm leaving that one. I go up there. The key doesn't work, right?

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, I've seen this. He doesn't work too many times.

[B]

They're. Now I'm confused. I can't go up to the X fell, and he's yelling at this old white lady with Lululemon. And then. So I'm like, I'm waiting. And they say, a service door. There's a service door with a little peephole and, like, a half window on it.

[A]

Like, half doors.

[B]

LEDs don't work on this. On the. On the ceiling, right? So it's dark, and there's a little flicker, and there's, like, an ooze on the wall. It's so strange.

[A]

Very quiet, very quiet.

[B]

And I'm like, there's a doorbell. I hold it. I'm waiting for 20 minutes. No one comes. That was the loudest sound I've ever heard. You know that somebody's here.

[A]

There's a siren in here.

[B]

I ring it again. Another felon comes up to the. I'm like, did y'all recruit from the state penitentiary? What's going on? I'm like, can we get some customer service in here?

[A]

He literally opens the door. He's like, what? You need something like that? I go, I'm sitting this out.

[B]

I don't know if you can make the jokes well. And so he's like, there's this. There's this lady. And she goes, what? And I'm like, key don't work. And she's. You talk to Mary? Who the is Mary?

[A]

And is she that accessible?

[B]

Just walking around, it's like, is that, like, the neighborhood? Like, fixer upper? Like, we are supposed to know.

[A]

She just, AI go, mary, my key.

[B]

Like, and then she was like, did you pay your bill on time? And I go, go. I think so, yeah. I don't know. It's on reoccurring, so I'd hope. And she goes, what's your name? And I go, peyton. But the thing might be under you should know podcast. She says, why? I'm like, do you want the story? I'm like, we have a podcast. We have our fans send stuff here. And she goes, is it gonna be a lot?

[A]

I go, hey, rude mother.

[B]

I go, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she goes, wait. Slams the door back on me. Waiting for another 20 minutes. She opens it back up.

[A]

What? Okay, wait right There you go.

[B]

Yeah. And then the end in the. And then the felon from behind the counter that's on the other counter is like, hey, man, did you pay your bill? And I'm like, now we're talking about finances? And then the line of 30. What if I didn't?

[A]

Yeah, you know, you don't have to know that, sir. She starts walking toward me, and so.

[B]

She brings back envelopes and stuff. She goes, yeah, you need to fix that. She go, you got to talk to Mary. Who the is Mary?

[A]

Where is she? Do you have a number? Where is Mary?

[B]

And then she. She hands the key to me. It's like, there's another key for, like, the bigger packages. And she goes, you know how this works. And I go, think so. And she goes, okay, well, this is the last time we're doing this for you. And I said. I said, hey, I didn't make you work here or go to prison.

[A]

I didn't commit those crimes. I didn't fill out your application. I am not, so be nice. Last time we're doing. Your key isn't working in your box, and I'm the problem.

[B]

Exactly. So Post office. I think they're the meanest. The only thing with the dmv. The DMV is more ruthless.

[A]

And people stink.

[B]

No, they do, honestly. Smell like.

[A]

No, it's like tartar sauce. It's like the. Like the day you got to go to the dmv, people just like. And they don't even shower.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They just, like, get out of bed and crawl to the dmv.

[B]

Let me be honest, okay? I understand it is my responsibility to bring the things I need to the dmv. I get that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But sometimes it is not clear what I need to bring to the dmv.

[A]

Factual.

[B]

You ever had it? You go to the dmv, you have a ticket, right? And it says, your number four. Like we're playing goddamn bingo. It's like, number 437, go to this window. I've been waiting for two hours, right?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And they go, what are you here for? License renewal, whatever, Registration, whatever. They'll be like, did you bring the things you're supposed to. I'll put down what I brought, right? They go, you missed something. Go home and get it. I'm like, I've been waiting for two hours. Like, I can't do anything for you. I'm like, you can make some shake. Yeah, you can look some up. You got the database of the texts on here, Travis?

[A]

It is. You've worked here for 10 years minimum. Help me.

[B]

Yeah, it's like, I didn't know I was supposed to bring that. And they're like, make a new appointment. Try again tomorrow. Hey, I'm gonna be riding dirty as shit before I come and wait another two hours in this cell block.

[A]

Dude, that. And that is what. That's why the DMV is worse for me. Because of the duration you're there. I don't think anyone. If you've had a good DMV experience, leave in the comments. Have you ever, ever in your life in, got what you needed, done and out in an hour?

[B]

No. Never. Never. Two hours, maybe.

[A]

Maybe my typical DMV visit is, like, two and a half hours. Yeah, and it's. I mean, that is. That doesn't sound like a lot in terms of a day. Like, that is a significant amount of time blocked off.

[B]

You can't plan meetings.

[A]

No, your day is a significant time blocked off.

[B]

Last time I went to the D, they said, go to a different one.

[A]

Hey, say hey. No, Like, I'm already here. I'm not leaving, bro.

[B]

Yeah, it's like, no, not at all.

[A]

Oh, God. And the amount of the. And I. Again, I get it. But how many times do I have to prove I'm me? You have my water bill, you have my diploma. You have my literal license from y'all. But now, because the date's off, it's not valid, bro.

[B]

It. I honestly.

[A]

Have you ever thought about that? What type of shit sense does that make it?

[B]

I'm not me anymore.

[A]

I'm not me because it's expired. Yeah, that's why I'm here, to get a new one. This is me. Look. What the.

[B]

I'm not gonna lie, though. Cam, you gotta change your ID photo.

[A]

No, my ID pictures bad, dude. It looks like I don't have a single hair on my face. And I. Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's like, with that picture, and that might be too far, and it might be Merry Christmas.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, I. I have to. But believe. What the hell was that? What are you about to touch? What are you about to touch? What are you gonna say? What are you touching on me? You just. You reached from six feet Away.

[B]

You said no, I was.

[A]

What? You're. Is he about to shit himself? He ran holding his butt. I pray to God this stays in. Peyton just got up, didn't say a single word, cupped his bung and sprinted out of our studio dog. He almost himself. In the history of this podcast, I've never seen him do that.

[B]

The you should know podcast this episode is brought to you by our friends at Shopify. Cha Ching.

[A]

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[B]

Skims.

[A]

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[B]

Let me be honest. Nobody does selling better than our friends at Shopify.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Now on to the rest of the.

[A]

Episode, the you should know podcast.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. You are absolutely not going to say another word on this episode until you explain to the world what you just did.

[B]

Okay. Bad.

[A]

100% truth.

[B]

Okay. Last night, right? What's my least favorite kind of type of food?

[A]

Pasta.

[B]

And what did I get last night?

[A]

Now, why would you do that?

[B]

Don't know. It looked good on the door dash.

[A]

You got pasta last night?

[B]

Yeah. Spaghetti.

[A]

Knowing your lactose and knowing noodles make you gag.

[B]

What does lactose have to do with noodles?

[A]

The sauces. What kind of sauce you get?

[B]

Marinara.

[A]

Never mind.

[B]

It was spaghetti.

[A]

Sorry about.

[B]

It was Spaghetti with Giant. Meatball was the name of the meal.

[A]

Giant.

[B]

It was the fattest meatball in the world. It was just sitting on top of it.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And I waited like three hours to eat it. I ordered it, and I was working. You know, I get. When I work, I'm literally like so locked in. And it was just sitting there. And then I was like, oh, I am starving. And then so I started eating a cold pasta. And then literally 30 minutes after the worst case of bubble Guts. It's like you're pouring a gallon water bottle out of my bunk straight into the toilet. And then, oh, I know.

[A]

Those stink like hell.

[B]

Yeah. And then so I had to go to. I had to go to Target to get these, right? And so I went to Target. I was like, sprite helps me calm down my tum tums. So I got a Sprite. And then I was walking past the chip aisle and I was like, a good chip would help settle me too, but I got the wrong chip.

[A]

What'd you get? You should have got, like, lays got talkies. So your stomach's already on tens and you decided to give it fire.

[B]

Yeah. And so then I showered, cleaned my butt, and I laid in my bed, chugged the Sprite. And I got the big Sprite too. Like the gallon of, like, the leader one. And then I ate a family sized Takis while watching Ozark. And then I went immediately to sleep because the spice was so bad. Then I woke up and it felt like there was a brick in my stomach. And so I woke up this morning, violently defecated. And then I've come here, I came in here, had a cough, coffee. And so I. And then that's why this quick spurt of energy, I was like, oh, something just happened. And I was gonna fight through it, but you called me out. And then I felt a little gush in the tush.

[A]

Wait, did you?

[B]

No, no, not that I could tell. It's dimly lit in that bathroom, so I couldn't really tell if you start getting a little smell. That's my anus.

[A]

I think you'd be able to tell off feel. Not even sight.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Is your ass currently wet?

[B]

Well, it could be sweat or defecation.

[A]

Oh, no, there's different wets.

[B]

Not with me.

[A]

One's gonna feel like mud and one feels like it's been a hot day.

[B]

Yeah, but then you got to get through the bed of hair.

[A]

You need. You need. I. I give you permission from now on when you go through those moments to call me for guidance.

[B]

I don't like talking when I poop. You call me a lot when I poop. When I'm doing your shit.

[A]

Not during your shit. Say, hey, my stomach's in hell right now. What should I get? Get and I'll direct you. Oh, you need a life partner. No, you're someone that doesn't allow you to buy a 2 liter of Sprite in a family sized Takis when you're already shitting on yourself.

[B]

The Sprite was a good move. It helped calm the top. Two liters is not too much. Way too much. Overcompensation.

[A]

High, high overcompensation and then takis. My stomach's up. Let's throw some fizz in there and then some fire on top. See if it fixes it.

[B]

Let's talk about something going on in the world. Have you seen this?

[A]

What? Have I seen what? You said let's. Let's talk about something going on in the world. Have you seen it? What? What are you asking me?

[B]

Have you seen the joke?

[A]

Your nose just turned green when you left it. It turns yellow and green like you're cruise.

[B]

I think you're colorblind.

[A]

I'm not cockeyed or colorblind. Your shit was yellow, dude.

[B]

You are cockeyed and bold like.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

If you're a dog, they would have put you down.

[A]

If you're the runt, I was the run.

[B]

If you're a racing horse, they would have taken you out Old Yeller style. Back of the barn. Inhumane.

[A]

But I'm not.

[B]

Oh, I can't say that.

[A]

Very humane. Because I am humane.

[B]

Maybe Patreon. I could tell my dad's co worker did one time. He's in jail now for it, but it happened. Just know it involves a lot of tarp.

[A]

Nope, let's wait on Patreon.

[B]

A lot of tarp in the house.

[A]

In the house.

[B]

And a pillow. Not funny. But he got his. He got his.

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

He got his commodions. He's in jail.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Is this. It's okay, we'll talk about later. Have you kinda. Have you seen this? Right? Have y'all seen the drones that have just been infiltrating the sky in America?

[A]

Yes, bro, have.

[B]

Insane.

[A]

Insanely creepy.

[B]

Scary. Not creepy at all, to be honest. So cool.

[A]

Why do you think that? See, see, that's the type of shit pisses me off about you. There's like, not necessarily tragedies, but there's shit that could go south. You're like, dude, this is raw, bro. Cuz, what are we supposed to sick.

[B]

What are we supposed to do?

[A]

Be afraid.

[B]

Of what?

[A]

There's drones in the sky.

[B]

That's. That is so cool. What do you.

[A]

There's no kill streaks. This isn't Call of Duty. This is real life. There's drones in the sky.

[B]

And the fact that there's festive drones.

[A]

No, they're not festive.

[B]

There's like. There's like sphere ones that are just roaming around in the sky making light.

[A]

Aliens corrupt Government, no matter what it is, it could be scary and bad for us.

[B]

Okay, Watch this, though. Did you already know? Prior to you knowing about the drones, did you know there's already aliens?

[A]

I don't fully know. I would assume, but I don't fully know.

[B]

Yes or no, did you know the government's already corrupt 100%? So what's the big hoopla now?

[A]

We're seeing it. Seeing it in front of our eyes.

[B]

Yeah, that's like your favorite character in a TV show. You already knew he was gonna get caught. That's Mike Ross in suits. You knew he was gonna get caught.

[A]

But when he got caught, it was sad.

[B]

It was cool, though. Now we get to see what's about to happen.

[A]

No, it's not. Why do you think this is cool?

[B]

Because, bro, think about it. It's not. It's not another country infiltrating, as you know that. You know, the US Government, if that was another country, that would have been sawdust in the sky by now. You got to know. It's definitely the aliens. One of the aliens in the ocean got loose.

[A]

Why are we not taking it down?

[B]

Because we haven't found him.

[A]

We're letting Godzilla sit in a sphere up in the sky? We're just letting him fester.

[B]

No, the alien. The aliens aren't the drones. The aliens somewhere in Michigan right now, roaming around in a forest, hiding.

[A]

You think he's just running around like little. Like little guy?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Running around. And that's what those are up there trying to find him.

[B]

This is my theory, right? This is my theory. The aliens are in the ocean. We've been known that. I called that out a year ago. The drones were in the ocean monitoring these aliens. So they're waterproof water drones. You know what I mean? Shark boy and water drone. So they were down there watching it. One of the little aliens got loose, and I'm headed to shore.

[A]

He said, where's Lilo? I'm running after him.

[B]

He ran out, right? Then we freaked out. Oops. We got one of the aliens are out.

[A]

Send them up.

[B]

They just left Panama, Michigan. I don't know what they're heading towards.8 mile. We got to protect Eminem. So then 10,000 drones just lifted out of the ocean. And now lightning. And there's just surveillance. We're trying to find this alien. Isn't that so cool, knowing there's just an alien right now in somebody's backyard?

[A]

Absolutely not. What if it was in your backyard? How cool would it be then?

[B]

Me?

[A]

If it was in Blankety blank. You know your address. If you just looked outside and he was like this. He was like. And just pointed at you, and I'd be. What would you do? You would point back.

[B]

I'd be like, I think. What's your name?

[A]

If an alien was in your backyard, you're gonna ask him his name.

[B]

Cam, if I have an alien in.

[A]

My backyard, your time's done.

[B]

No, that's my buddy. We're. We're running the world together.

[A]

You would open your door. I mean, you'd open your door for an alien.

[B]

I'm his agent. At this point, I'm taking 10% of everything he owns.

[A]

Hey, next week, we're gonna get you on New York Times, all right? You gotta say something. We're gonna get your PR train. Don't worry. He's just like, do you know how.

[B]

Many tick tocks I'm gonna film with that alien? Give me heads.

[A]

He said, never. Mommy's a freak, bro.

[B]

That's gonna be so sick.

[A]

Okay, drone. You think these drones are so cool? They're on the East Coast. What if they were in Dallas? What if there was a drone above your neighborhood?

[B]

I'm getting.

[A]

And it was sitting there, Cam.

[B]

I'm getting high as a kite, laying on my balcony, watching the drone show.

[A]

See, you don't have enough fear. You don't respect the unknown. You don't at all. You, you, you, you. You. You're a freak.

[B]

Because what else am I supposed to do? Cower away?

[A]

You don't have to go tuck your tail and beat yourself to sleep. But, you know. But you can't just sit there and not be afraid of it.

[B]

I'm literally gonna be like, oh, damn. One of the drones is outside my house. Do I still got them talking?

[A]

See, now that's. That's. You're okay. I don't do this shit. Keeps me up at night.

[B]

Why, bro?

[A]

Because it's not. It's. I need to know. And that might be an ego thing, but I need to understand. You're just like, dude, yeah, you got fireworks up there. Give us a show, man. That's you, bro.

[B]

And imagine you become friends with one of the drones. We already have drones that deliver double quarter pounders. Now I got a personal one.

[A]

But those are cute. They give them big googly eyes and small wheels with spinners on them.

[B]

You saw whenever we were in West Hollywood and they had the drone going across, I was trying to ride that john. I wanted to leash and take it back to the hotel.

[A]

He was like, please, get off he's like, do you know where this hotel is?

[B]

Kept walking, bro, that's so fun.

[A]

Homeless man had him on a leash. He was like, let me go, let me go, let me go. He's sitting there, bro.

[B]

That's so. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine a drone coming down and just picking up Ruby out the backyard. Ruby's flying now. She's always wanted wings.

[A]

I'd be.

[B]

A winged Ruby.

[A]

I would be dehydrated from crying for four days straight. A robot invasion took my princess against my will, and I could do nothing about it. Poor Ruby cries too much if her favorite person walks out. Imagine she got sucked into a vortex up in the sky. They took her ass, gutted her like a pig, dissected her and said, this is what they have on that planet.

[B]

But that's poor.

[A]

Poor.

[B]

But that's using Ruby for the greater good.

[A]

The greater good, yes.

[B]

At least she went out, like, honorably.

[A]

That's. There's no honor in that. She was probably, like, wiggling, and she's.

[B]

Going up, like, you know, she's winged.

[A]

She goes. And her tail's going. Oh, my God.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

Say, what if they took you?

[B]

Where are we going?

[A]

They're taking you up to their ship. You think it's all cool and dandy's. You walk in, they got a CIGAR, they got DraftKings on a TV.

[B]

Oh, my God, I'm lit. You go, oh, I'm here.

[A]

And they go, yeah, you are. And then you wake up, different planet, can't breathe.

[B]

That'd be so cool.

[A]

See, you're pissing me. It's like. It's like you're doing the cool guy thing. This reminds me of middle school, when people would listen to underground rappers just to say they could. No, you don't like that.

[B]

I'm not trying to impress a damn soul. I just genuinely. Everybody looks at something as fear. I'm looking at something like, how can I utilize that for my greater good?

[A]

How can I capitalize off of the drone?

[B]

First thing I'm doing is there's a drone over my house. I'm going to academy, getting a big fishing net, and I'm gonna try to grab that thing. And now once you're in my four walls, you belong to me.

[A]

That's not how that works. How so?

[B]

Not if you took.

[A]

First off, what fishing net are you gonna buy that can get in the sky and get an orb that's just floating.

[B]

These things are, like 100ft in the sky. They're not super up there. They're not like plane height. They're like right above us.

[A]

That's even worse. Peyton.

[B]

That means it's accessible. Gimme, gimme. Mine.

[A]

Mine. Your robot, your mind. Accessible. Gimme. Gimme my mind. Imminent danger. Immediate threat. Can pounce an attack as soon as the leader demands it.

[B]

Okay. Why? Okay? What are you going to do? Being afraid of it.

[A]

What are you going to do? What if it came and said, hey, I'm going to kill you?

[B]

It can talk.

[A]

You're the one that said he could come down and you'd be best of friends with it.

[B]

No, I just utilize it. It would be like Megan Fox in that new movie. I might. Hey, y'all seen that movie? What's it called? Oh, my God. Hey. I would have folded too. Where can I buy one of those robots? I don't care. I don't care. The worst part, huh?

[A]

She has a UV cleaner for her mouth, but she doesn't eat food, so she knew she was getting down the whole time. She said, I have a thing that cleans my mouth. I don't have to brush my teeth. Well, she doesn't eat food. What else can go in her grill? Oh, my God. No, no.

[B]

Okay, honestly, y'all all saw that movie. What's it called again?

[A]

It's like subsurveyance? Something like that.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, there's a movie where Megan Fox is this AI robot, and she's literally used, like. It's like this species of AI that has come out. It's like the most intelligent AI. It's like a person, but it's just there for human need. Right. That's the finest robot I've ever seen. Like, are you kidding me? I'm never talking to a human woman again.

[A]

Okay, let's. Let's. Let's play the game, though. Let's play the game. How bad you want the robot?

[B]

So bad. Have you seen that movie where she blind, blindfold me?

[A]

I'm a start at a price point. You got to tell me what you has to get to before you buy it.

[B]

I'm taking out a loan. Out.

[A]

Three M's.

[B]

I can't. I genuinely can't.

[A]

Two M's.

[B]

I can't. I don't have one. I can't. I don't have that much money.

[A]

800,000.

[B]

I don't have that much MONEY.

[A]

500,000.

[B]

I don't have THAT much MONEY, so I don't. 5.

[A]

So you don't even want it that bad.

[B]

I can't afford it. Give me something I can afford.

[A]

If they drop a Hundred in Texas. Only 100 of Megan Foxes can be bought in Texas.

[B]

I can't afford it. If I can't afford it, I can't afford it.

[A]

You just. He. He's the one that said he'd take out a loan, not me.

[B]

Okay, But I can't take it alone for three M's.

[A]

Okay, let's say they're $800,000.

[B]

I'll take out a loan.

[A]

You would take out a loan?

[B]

Yes. And we're going on tour every day. She's coming with you.

[A]

Go Ohio. Fourth night in a row. Let's do this. There's like one guy's like, shut the.

[B]

We're making a twenty thousand dollar Patreon tier and you can lay with me in bed. I don't care. We're. I'm getting that money back.

[A]

They're gonna be like, hey, hey, Peyton, I just. Thank you for being here. You're just like, shut up, dude.

[B]

Cam you okay? I can't ask you.

[A]

Ask me so I can ask you.

[B]

Okay. Say they were like $30,000. Like, it's expensive, but it's like a car.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

It's just like a little Mega Fox. When you buy you and live and your son in the house, it's heavy. It's like, it's a lot.

[A]

No.

[B]

Do you have a bad kid? Cries too much? Big back. Like you just like it's dad. Eats too much. You're tired. You got a podcast. You got a tour? You buying one?

[A]

I am buying one. And it's gonna be a man. It's gonna be a man. Now granted, in the movie she said the female ones are better for the kids. So maybe I buy a woman, but I buy like the old grandma woman one. That's not for personal. That's not for personal reasons. That is not for personal reasons. I'm saying I'm gonna cover all my bases, check all the boxes. No temptation.

[B]

Now what is mine?

[A]

Yours is going to be Megan Fox. She's gonna be standing there, okay? And she's like, why did you pick my. Why did you pick my serial number style robot? You don't even have children. You go, not yet. She goes, what does that mean? You go upstairs.

[B]

Okay, genuinely. Would you be creeped out because I'm dead?

[A]

I think you need a robot.

[B]

But listen, I'm dead ass. If though. If a Megan Fox AI robot was available, and I'm not making jokes, I would marry that. Like, I would genuinely. That might be inhumane or weird. And y'all can very much cancel me if you want to? Why? I'm. That's what I like. I identify as liking AI. Sorry. Cancel me now. I want that thing and I'm gonna marry that. Now if I'm being genuine dead ass, like, I fall in love with this thing because it's. It loves me. I love it. It's beautiful. It's there. It takes care of me, everything. It's.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Perfect. Now imagine I'm dead ass. I come up to you one day. I'm like, cam, you remember that AI Megan Fox robot I bought?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, I genuinely like coming you as a brother.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

I love her.

[A]

Why? What is wrong with you?

[B]

She's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

[A]

Okay. Robot looks good.

[B]

She's kind.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She's caring.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

She's efficient.

[A]

You need all those.

[B]

And she's loyal.

[A]

What do you mean by fishing? I go, what do you mean by fish? She's loyal.

[B]

Yes. Because her whole sole purpose in the movie was to. For the help she needs.

[A]

Okay. Does she push you to be a better person?

[B]

Don't need that. I love her though, Cam. I love her.

[A]

Okay. What do you want to do? What's the next step if you love her?

[B]

I think I'm gonna marry her. I think I'm gonna marry a robot.

[A]

You're gonna marry a mass produced creature?

[B]

Yes, I'm gonna propose to her.

[A]

You're gonna propose to a robot?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Just buy a ring and put it on her grippy little fingers.

[B]

Yeah, but I love her. And she deserves a great, great, a great time. She doesn't have feelings, but I have feelings for her. And I. But I want this too. Like I've always wanted a picture perfect.

[A]

Like, this is when I lean in and I go, honestly, bro, I'm proud of you. But then I lean in and we come right here and we're super close and I'm on your neck and I go. I go like this. You're too far gone. And then I go, hey, I'll get your help. Blink twice. And then you would look and you'd be like, so you wouldn't try not.

[B]

So you wouldn't be happy. For, like, I'm genuinely like, you would not. But I'm happy. You know, you haven't seen me happy in a relationship in years.

[A]

That's like you saying, Cam, you know, the other day I was out and I found this porcupine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And this porcupine. It's loyal, it's efficient, it loves me, it cares for Me. And it takes care of me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think I'm going to marry the porcupine. You'd get shot with a tranquilizer.

[B]

That's different. That's beastiality. And this is Porcupine. You're going to be both of those.

[A]

This is robot Ality.

[B]

That's not illegal.

[A]

You bought. All right, all right.

[B]

No, if I was.

[A]

All right.

[B]

If I was letting other people and taking a commission, that's really illegal. That's the. That's literally illegal.

[A]

What would you name your robot? No, no, no. That's the voice for it. Yeah.

[B]

You know, they can, like, shape.

[A]

Oh, my God. No.

[B]

Oh, please, Elon, make one. I miss her.

[A]

That would be. That would be something. Holy shit.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Okay, this just. What were you gonna say?

[B]

I'm just saying it genuinely upsets me that you wouldn't be like. Cause I'm dead ass. Like, what do you want me to do?

[A]

You wanna go pick out her gown for it? She doesn't have family.

[B]

Are you gonna be my.

[A]

She doesn't have friends.

[B]

Are you gonna be my best man?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. So prepare the goddamn bachelor party like you're supposed to.

[A]

Okay, guess what? Where's she gonna be when we're on the. On the bachelor's party? On a wireless charger, she's leaned up on the wall, we're shooting dice, sipping beers, lighting a cigar, and she's plugged into a usb.

[B]

No. Your wife's gonna take her on a bachelorette trip.

[A]

Oh, now you've crossed the line. My wife would live. Live with a robot woman.

[B]

Does Liv love me?

[A]

Like, bitch, will you look at it? She'd be like, I don't understand why you hate me so much. Liv be like, does Liv love me? Yes.

[B]

Does she want me to be happy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Does she want me to get married?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Does she want me to. To find love? Love.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. And I found it. Take her to Nashville or wherever girls go for passenger. Wear one of the cool cowboy hats and do the little beer trolley skirt on her.

[A]

Get a little beer trolley. She's gonna be like, just spit it out or drain it. She can't even.

[B]

You did it.

[A]

I was talking about an actual plug. Because she's not real.

[B]

That's so offensive.

[A]

No, it's not. Yeah, you're offensive. You're offending me.

[B]

You're not. Okay, then if I marry a real woman, you're not coming to the wedding.

[A]

No.

[B]

Bullshit you're not.

[A]

Yes, I am.

[B]

It's my goddamn wedding.

[A]

No, it's not. Not I go, it's mine. I've been planning. No, I'm kidding.

[B]

I would.

[A]

I will support you. I will plan the party. I will play. Your party's gonna be nuts. I'll plan the party. Nuts. Plan the party. I'll take care of the. The cyborg lady.

[B]

You know, it sucks.

[A]

And that's all I can give you, buddy.

[B]

I'm never gonna have that.

[A]

Yes, you are.

[B]

I'm never gonna get married.

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

I'm never gonna have a bachelor party. Okay, say I'm like 43, and I still have. I still haven't found it. Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm just in the same position I am. Right.

[A]

Technically, you'd be 13 years into something.

[B]

I didn't. Thank you guys for coming. No, no. 43. Right?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Still haven't found nothing. I'm lonely, sad.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I'm like, dude, Cam, it's. It's just looking at it. It's not gonna happen for me, man.

[A]

I would conduct a 1000 versus one no honor you and your name.

[B]

Ew. No.

[A]

Okay, never mind.

[B]

No, I'm like, cam, can we just, like. I just want the experience.

[A]

What the hell are you about to say?

[B]

Like, can you. Can we have a bachelor party? For me?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Just the boys.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

And then we. And then like. But it doesn't stop there. Like, I want a wedding, too.

[A]

Okay, I got you.

[B]

But like, there's no woman. Like, the. Like, the left side of the aisle is completely empty. No people in those seats. Nobody standing.

[A]

It's your family, your friends right there. You're just standing up there with, like, a regular bastard. He's just like, today we can read from the book of Job.

[B]

Would you do it? Yeah, but would you make fun of me?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No, that's not right. But, like, I'm genuine 43 and sad after all.

[A]

Yes, I would make fun of you because that is our relationship.

[B]

No. Okay.

[A]

I'd literally be there in the moment. It'd be fantastic. And then when we're drunk later that night, I'd be like, mother, you just had a wedding for yourself.

[B]

That's so wrong.

[A]

I'm gonna be like, are you kidding me?

[B]

That's evil.

[A]

You're gonna be in your tuck. You're gonna be like, you got your ring on. I go, give me that.

[B]

Okay, you'd have. Okay, say there's a wedding. The one sided wedding, right? I still want the full wedding. You have to give a best man speech.

[A]

I go, you know, Peyton's a hell of a guy. Everybody, I'm like this. You just sit there, you're crying. I go, you know, I've loved him ever since I've met him. And stepping into this next phase of life, it's gonna be an interesting one. He's, you know, he's 43. He's finally getting to shake in this wedding. You know, we just really appreciate you being here to support Peyton and Peyton and. And his. You know, this thing's great. I can't wait to see what's next for him.

[B]

Why aren't you crying, Cam?

[A]

And oh, because there's no one to cry over. This is like a regular Saturday night. But you made everyone dress up form when you had him spend money on plane tickets. You were in Aruba celebrating nothing. Cuz you're sad.

[B]

The thing is, it sucks. It's gonna happen.

[A]

Oh my God, your nephew. Our son's in the background. He's like, what the fuck? I've never seen this.

[B]

Okay. Would you take it seriously in the moment though? Like during the whole ceremony, like, I'm putting a fake ring on air.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, yes.

[B]

I kiss the air and I'm walking down the aisle with the air. After, would you cheer and stand up?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Now that would be.

[B]

This little rat back here is laughing. I don't like it.

[A]

CJ would be stimming out. He'd be like, I wonder if she's gonna fall. Like, do I need to grab her train? Is her dress good?

[B]

Oh, that's funny.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That was a great AI talk.

[A]

Oh my God. That was. That was nuts, bro. Okay, you. You know, I thought of this. I don't know what you said. It was like 10 minutes ago. You said something that made me think of this, though.

[B]

I love when you think I.

[A]

Okay, just role play, right? Just real quick. If we. Not like that. No, no, no, no, no, no. I need a nurse. I'm just kidding. If we. If we did. If we did like a giveaway or something typically, what would it be?

[B]

Like, merch?

[A]

Like, merch. An experience. Maybe. Like if it was like a good one or something. Like a. Like a personal, like hangout or something.

[B]

Like something signed, something.

[A]

Okay, when I tell you I was on Instagram and this is all. And I'm not kidding, this is one giveaway.

[B]

Okay, Giveaway from who?

[A]

An influencer partnered with. I'm going just put you exactly how she says it.

[B]

We had the.

[A]

We had the blessing to partner with a couple of. Couple of companies this year. And we're going to give one. One lucky person some of these incredible gifts.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

So this is a giveaway for one person. If they win, they get everything. I'm about to say nice. Okay. A peloton treadmill.

[B]

Expensive.

[A]

IPhone 16 Pro Max MacBook Air laptop. Ugg slippers. King Christmas tree. A Veer all terrain wagon. A 8 foot giant sized Nutcracker 4K portable monitor with touchscreen. Heated eye massager. A Roamer Juni car seat Aroma stroller Forever French holiday pajamas. A BrewMate 40 ounce tumbler photo. A photo backdrop tile. A collection of blankets. A nugget ice maker. A Dyson cordless vacuum. An Ember temperature control smart mug. A Dyson Airwrap Skillmatics games Apple AirPods.

[B]

What the.

[A]

A Breville espresso machine. A Canon PowerShot G7 and Mark 2 camera in an Aura Smart Ring Generation 4. What the giveaway is that? That's. Hey, we're here to save a soul.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is. That is the craziest giveaway I have ever. You're like, let me enter.

[B]

I say, I don't know, we're supposed to crack on it, but I want to enter that, bro.

[A]

Could you imagine winning that?

[B]

I'm dead. Let me send me that.

[A]

And they literally give you every. A Peloton treadmill alone.

[B]

That's enough.

[A]

That's like three, $3,000.

[B]

Yeah, it's enough.

[A]

That is so that's like a.

[B]

Like a $100,000 giveaway right there.

[A]

Sixteen Pro Max Apple AirPod Max Dyson Air Wrap. Dyson cordless vacuum. A portable 4K monitor. A Canon Q set.

[B]

Like, it's like you're feeling out of home here.

[A]

Yeah, that's literally like, hey, this. I'm making your life. Not your day, not your year.

[B]

I'm kind of mad that you read that because our giveaway for Patreon is going to be shit now. Like, we're giving away signed merch.

[A]

No, that's. That Our giveaway is gonna be fantastic. Yeah, that is. That is overkill to the definition.

[B]

That's insane. Who is that?

[A]

It's literally. Look at this.

[B]

Is it a company or a person?

[A]

This is just the screenshot. That's her name. But she put like this. I guess she partnered with all those things and that she's giving it all away to one person.

[B]

Show some love by liking and saving it for later in the comments. Let me know, what is your favorite movie of all time?

[A]

You have to put your favorite movie and you got to follow every. Every account that that accounts following, which is only 28 people. That's it.

[B]

Let Me.

[A]

You're gonna end. No, you end up winning this. That'd be the funniest thing.

[B]

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna call. This has to be it. And they have like 18 kids who. This person. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, it's really. They have all the items in front of them.

[A]

No, they don't. Show me the picture.

[B]

No, they have all the items.

[A]

Stroller, Ugg slippers. Pictures. Foil. Fun. Oh, there's a. There's the. A VR thing. An eight foot nutcracker. A big ass tree. Peloton. Treadmill. Dyson Air Wrap. AirPods 2.

[B]

Let me see.

[A]

Dog. Dude, this is on earth.

[B]

This is the best giveaway of all time. Did you just follow them? Oh, they have 1.5 million on Instagram. What do they do?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

And they have a rack of kids.

[A]

God, she got a seven pack.

[B]

Lay down. Holy moly.

[A]

Yeah, I literally saw that and I was like, that's like, that is. That's unreal.

[B]

Now I'm pocket watching. The house is nice.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

The house is nice.

[A]

Pocket watch.

[B]

They are rich as shit.

[A]

Pocket watch.

[B]

Link tree. Oh, there's some funny money going on around here.

[A]

Some funny business.

[B]

Alyssa.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. It's not nuts. Absolutely nuts.

[B]

The best thing I could give away on a giveaway is my ass. I be like, who wants a bite of this ass? 10 screenshots, you get a bite of this ass.

[A]

Like, comment, subscribe for a bite of this ass.

[B]

David Dobrik puts Teslas on his story. I'm like, here's my ass. Who wants this stretch marked ass with a little bit of fur on it? Repost. You get this ass.

[A]

Make sure you follow who I'm following. If you want a bite of this.

[B]

Ass, you want a peloton or a bite of this ass? You want an apple? AirPods or a bite of this ass?

[A]

How about an apple, apple, iPhone 16.

[B]

Or a bite of this ass?

[A]

Make sure you just gotta follow like, and tell me your favorite movie if.

[B]

You want a chance to win a bite of this ass. I'm not gonna lie. What's. Oh, my God. How much?

[A]

I would never enter that.

[B]

How much would you spend on a raffle ticket for a bite of this ass?

[A]

I'd never buy one. I would never buy one. You just told me you pooped a gallon of liquor liquid today, this morning.

[B]

Yeah, no, I'm light right now. I'm light on my feet.

[A]

Yeah, you go. I'm agile.

[B]

No, I think it's affecting my Ankles. Because they're popping extra loud today.

[A]

Oh, my God, you are.

[B]

Fluid is out.

[A]

You're very clickety clack. Okay. It's only right. We do all the riddles, we do all the quizzes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Are you ready.

[B]

No.

[A]

To put your thinking cap on, you cute little Christmas tree elf. And we're gonna do a Christmas quiz.

[B]

Santa. Jesus Christ. January 25th. The Garden of Eden. I didn't think. Is that funny? What did I say? What'd I do? Did I mistake? Did I say.

[A]

You said January 25th. It's December. You said the Garden of Eden. It's Bethlehem.

[B]

Oh, palace.

[A]

What?

[B]

What? It's in London. I love Christmas. I just promise you me and him have a good relationship. Shouldn't have bit that apple, shouldn't you? Is that. Oh, no, no, no.

[A]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

Too far.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Sorry. Love you.

[A]

Over the line. You jumped over. You spat on the line. You jumped back and jumped again.

[B]

Yeah. Santa. I saw a black Santa the other day. He was. That. He was a little.

[A]

You should know podcast. Here we go. So we are doing, of course, the one, the only, the Christmas trivia quiz.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

We're gonna have some trivia questions about the good old holly jolly season. And FA lalala. Here we go. We are getting straight into it. Okay, which popular Christmas beverage is also called milk punch?

[B]

Eggnog.

[A]

Eggnog. It's easy. It gets easy, then it gets hard.

[B]

Just like me.

[A]

How many.

[B]

I'm real easy and real, real stiff.

[A]

How many ghosts show up in a Christmas carol?

[B]

What?

[A]

How many ghosts show up in a Christmas carol?

[B]

I didn't know there's ghosts in singing. They're singing ghosts out here and we're worried about the drones.

[A]

They're hitting the high notes. There's like. They're just breathing. That's like an ambiance. How many ghosts show up in a Christmas Carol?

[B]

12.

[A]

No, Division.

[B]

Excuse me?

[A]

Use division.

[B]

Division the band.

[A]

No use.

[B]

They died.

[A]

No, no, use division on 12.

[B]

Dividing by 1. What? 2.

[A]

Take a guess. One more.

[B]

3.

[A]

What's the answer?

[B]

3, 6, 9, 4.

[A]

What? 3694.

[B]

Four ghosts. Yes.

[A]

There's four ghosts. It's talking about the movie, you idiot, not an actual. Could it come to your door?

[B]

There's a movie called the Christmas Carol.

[A]

Holy shit.

[B]

How was I supposed to know that?

[A]

It might be a white movie. It might be.

[B]

Most Christmas movies are.

[A]

Okay, here we go. What are the two most popular names for Santa Claus?

[B]

Saint Nicholas. Nick.

[A]

That's one. One of two is correct.

[B]

Santa.

[A]

The other one sounds a little clannish. I'm not gonna lie. Oh, a little questionable.

[B]

Grand Santa.

[A]

No, the Grandmaster Santa.

[B]

Okay, St. Nicholas. St. Nick and Santa.

[A]

We're gonna do our speed route. This is how you always do good answers. Ready? St. Nick and Lucifer. Oh, no. Say Nick and Kris Kringle.

[B]

Who?

[A]

The in. Both k's are capitalized, but the St. Nick isn't. Yeah, it's Krispy.

[B]

Kris Kringle.

[A]

Krispy Kreme Kringle. Yeah. I've never heard of Kris Kringle, ever.

[B]

That's a CJ's Christmas.

[A]

That is.

[B]

That's who they got hanging out.

[A]

That is CJ's Christmas.

[B]

Bunch of sheets in his house, they.

[A]

Said, did Chris Kringle come through this year? Oh, okay. What country did eggnog come from?

[B]

Some white. Sweden? Ireland?

[A]

Think OG White.

[B]

Oh, England.

[A]

There we go. There we go. There we go. All right. What did Frosty the Snowman do when a magic hat was placed on his head?

[B]

He got the kid. Isn't that. Or is that like the knockoff I watched in middle school? There was, like, an evil one. Yeah, he. Like these. He. Somebody. Right. Sorry, that's got to get muted. But he. He did bad things.

[A]

Oh, I remember what you're talking about. What was it called?

[B]

I don't remember. Yeah, he's like a meat kitten.

[A]

Yeah. No, he began to just hit a little jig.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, he began to dance. They put that hat on him. He said, oh. Oh.

[B]

One of his buttons got loose.

[A]

I said, oh.

[B]

No, I didn't know that. The kid. He definitely did. You gotta mute that.

[A]

But, yeah, that's like the tubi version.

[B]

Oh. Oh. Assuming I got tubi, huh?

[A]

Oh, I know you got. I know you got.

[B]

We are pushing lines this episode.

[A]

Oh, man. What are you supposed to do when you find yourself under the mistletoe?

[B]

Kiss somebody.

[A]

There we go. Good morning. Which one of Santa's reindeers have the. Oh. Did you see how bad I flinched? You want to kiss? Kiss.

[B]

Yeah, thanks.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Which one of Santa's reindeer have the same name as another holiday mascot?

[B]

Not Rudolph. Wait, there's holiday mascots? Valentine. Valentine. Cupid.

[A]

There you go. There you go. There you go. Couple more. Here we go. Which country started the tradition of putting up a Christmas tree? Tree?

[B]

German.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Oh, why'd you guess that? Why'd you get. It's right, though. But why do you guess?

[B]

Not saying it. Wait.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Speaking of the reindeer, like, if we were to guess which one was the.

[A]

Biggest thought, which reindeer had the biggest cheese was going for.

[B]

No. Which one was the biggest? Thought she was going town.

[A]

It's not Rudolph.

[B]

Oh, no. Rudolph had to do something to get that top spot.

[A]

Wasn't Rudolph a guy?

[B]

Oh, guys can be dots. Oh, yeah.

[A]

I thought all reindeer were girls.

[B]

Oh, it had to be Prancer.

[A]

Probably Prancer. That's what I was going to say, too.

[B]

Just prancing all over the town.

[A]

Going all around the town. Holy. What are the name of the main villains? What's the name of the main villain in the Nightmare Before Christmas?

[B]

Freddy Krueger.

[A]

No. What? It sounds like something you do with your nose. Now, that is gonna be a crate. Okay, it sounds like something that might come out of your nose.

[B]

Booger.

[A]

Now, what's another name for it?

[B]

It's not.

[A]

No, no. Think more of a kiddish name.

[B]

Boogie.

[A]

There you go. Now add something that rhymes with that in the front.

[B]

I piss myself.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, no. Boogie boy, stop at home. Not your last. I Big Daddy smash quicker.

[A]

What the is wrong with you? Why would you say that?

[B]

Big boy big.

[A]

I'm Big boy. Oie boogie, oogie boogie.

[B]

Oh, never heard of that. A big boogie boy up. Hello, mama.

[A]

Oh, my God. Dude, I almost pissed. I almost dripped a little drop, if you know what I'm saying. We go two more.

[B]

If the world was ending, I would have been there next to Cam Win.

[A]

I don't know why I like. I love your remixes of the songs. I can't close my cheeks, bro. They make me feel good.

[B]

I'd catch a grenade for cow. Put my head on a blade for cow.

[A]

Stop looking at me like that.

[B]

You know I do anything.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I would go through all this.

[A]

Put a bullet straight through my cam.

[B]

Yes. I would die for my cam Win. But come went through the same. My cheek.

[A]

I can't close my cheeks. It's, like, blushing, bro. Why am I, like, attracted to that.

[B]

If my gamut was on fire? What the.

[A]

Sorry. No, it's okay. It's okay.

[B]

I got nervous.

[A]

Why? Dude, I. I couldn't stop smiling. You know, there's people that think we kiss behind closed doors.

[B]

I read a fanfic about us and I was like, why am I. Oh.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I gotta end this. God.

[A]

Oh, Go down.

[B]

We gotta end this episode. We gotta end this episode.

[A]

Last one for the quiz. Last one.

[B]

All right, here we go.

[A]

End on a dub. Here we go. What is the highest grossing Christmas movie of all time? You know it. Come on.

[B]

Polar Express.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Elf.

[A]

No.

[B]

Home Alone.

[A]

Yes. Good Job.

[B]

Never seen it. Wasn't made for my demographic, brother. Really wasn't.

[A]

You've never seen Home Alone?

[B]

No. Macaulay. Wasn't he friends with Mike?

[A]

In his prime, he was nice. Nothing wrong with that.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Nothing wrong with that at all. Michael Jackson makes good music, great music.

[B]

Doesn't make it anymore. I wanna walk with Cam all night. I want Cam. Can't stay. Oh, we have to end this episode. I swear to God.

[A]

We got.

[B]

Okay, this is getting too far. That all had to get cut out. Let's go to Patreon.

[A]

Not. Do not miss this week's Patreon. That's all I'm gonna say. Oh, my God.

[B]

If you're in the.

[A]

If you're.

[B]

I'm gonna take my pants off. It's.

[A]

I got you. Hey. He's losing contacts, brain cells, but his mouth is slimy as ever. But it's your favorite Christmas tree. Anyway, we absolutely love y'all. Thank you for coming Back to episode 144, the Christmas episode. We love you. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. All the information you need to know is linked in the bio below. Koala Club. It is about that time. It is almost here. We are. We can feel 2025. We are right here at the Cusp. The Koala Club. The Patreon is going to be completely new, completely jam packed. And there's going to be multiple tiers. So much new content. And it's all going to be available for y'all at 2025. The link is down below. Go join right now. Don't miss out on anything. We absolutely love you. Confuse the casual visuals. Get your good karma with this week's secret code. It's simple mce, not the Marvel Cinematic Experience, but Merry Christmas, everyone. Any. Honestly, any form of that will work. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Just spread some good joy and some good love this holiday season. We hope you all enjoy your Christmas. Have us on in the background so we can open gifts with you Wednesday morning. But we absolutely love y'all. I gotta get him out of here before something happens. We will see you all again next week.

[B]

And remember, remember, one out of ten don't make it home to Christmas. Pray for the claw bears this Christmas and we'll see you. Hello next time. I love those quality bears. We gotta find that one.

[A]

We should take that drone down. No, we should take.

[B]

We should use the drone for the koala bear.

[A]

No. Yeah. I can see his thigh. I can see all my balls stink.