Episode Summary: "Afraid to Fly? This Is What I Tell My Clients Before Every Flight"

Podcast: Your Anxiety Toolkit
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT | Anxiety & OCD Specialist
Episode: 439
Date: June 23, 2025

Overview

In this practical and empathetic episode, Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT, uses her 15+ years of clinical experience to address one of the most common travel-related anxieties: fear of flying. Kimberley breaks down the different roots of this phobia, normalizes what listeners feel, and gives actionable, science-based strategies she shares with clients ahead of flights. Her tone is warm, validating, humorous at moments, and always grounded in self-compassion.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Roots of Flight Anxiety

Timestamps: 01:00–18:30

• Kimberley details that the root cause of flying fear varies—it's not just about the fear of a plane crash.

• Key Underlying Fears:

  • Fear of losing control
  • Fear of crashing (often triggered by media coverage)
  • Claustrophobia (fear of enclosed spaces)
  • Fear of panic attacks ("you're actually not afraid of the plane... you're afraid of how you feel on the plane" – 18:15)
  • Fear of being trapped (not being able to leave if needed)
  • Fear of embarrassment or "freaking out" (loss of composure among strangers)
  • Fear of "going crazy" and never regaining composure

• Kimberley normalizes these fears:

  "It is completely normal. To have a fear of flying. I have gone through stages of my life where the fear has come up higher during some periods." (19:55)

2. Reframing the Experience with Self-Compassion and Mindset Shifts

Timestamps: 18:30–27:30

• Self-compassion as first-line defense:

  "Self compassion first, always. I repeat that we always want to meet ourselves with kindness." (21:38)

• Kimberley urges shifting from resistance ("this is going to suck") to willingness ("this is another opportunity for me to face my fear.")

• Attitude shift allows you to use experiences of anxiety as chances for growth and rewiring the brain.

• Notable Quote, on reframing:

  "I want to have it [the fear] so I can create that safe, calm, rational way of experiencing anxiety." (23:08)

3. Present-Moment Focus and Emotional Reasoning

Timestamps: 27:30–31:30

• Take one step at a time:

  "If your focus is on the 12 and a half hour flight... you're going to probably make your suffering increase. However, if you can practice on just doing one step at a time... you are likely to suffer less." (29:32)

• Challenge emotional reasoning:

  "Just because it feels scary and unsafe or it feels dangerous does not mean it is... A feeling is not a fact." (30:08)

4. Science-Based, Skill-Building Approaches to the Main Fears

Timestamps: 31:30–48:00

• Fear of losing control/crash:

  • Learn about planes from reliable sources (briefly, not as a compulsion) to demystify how they work (33:12).
  • Practice mindfulness: "I'm having a thought that we're going to crash; I'm choosing to return to the present."

• Fear of panic attacks:

  • Radical acceptance:

    "It's cool if you panic, that's not a problem. We're just going to ride it out and be as kind and compassionate as we can." (36:06)

  • Avoid resisting or trying to suppress panic.

• Value-based action:

  • Ask, "If I didn't have anxiety, what would I be doing right now?" (40:12)
    • Watch a movie, eat, write, or play a game as you would if you weren't anxious, to anchor yourself in valued behavior.

• Fear of being trapped (claustrophobia/body discomfort):

  • Adjust your environment for comfort (e.g., exit row, bigger seat, favorite blanket). Kimberley emphasizes this isn't a compulsion but a way to be kind to yourself:

    "You don't need to be uncomfortable for the sake of treatment ... It’s more about can you willingly be uncomfortable in the terms of having your anxiety." (44:02)

• Medications and substances:

  • It’s okay to speak to your doctor about medication for flights; avoid using alcohol or unprescribed substances as coping. (46:20)

5. Managing Fear of Embarrassment and Social Angst

Timestamps: 48:00–53:25

• Give yourself permission to be anxious, including having a full-blown panic attack.

• Be open with seatmates if you’re comfortable:

  "Just tell them honestly … I have a lot of airplane anxiety. Flying is really hard for me. I may or may not cry on this flight. And so if I do cry, don't worry, I'm fine." (49:00)

• Connecting with others:

  • Kimberley shares a personal story of kindness from a seatmate during turbulence (50:58).

  "That small gesture of kindness… this is just human and human. Right? Like we’re just here helping each other out." (51:35)

• Embrace embarrassment as a human experience, not a catastrophe.

6. Fear of Going Crazy & Accepting Uncertainty

Timestamps: 53:25–57:30

• Remind yourself: thoughts aren't facts.

  "Just because you think something doesn't mean it's true. And just because it feels dangerous doesn't mean it is." (54:25)

• With repeated flights and the attitudinal shift, confidence builds and anxiety's grip loosens.

• Make a conscious choice: let fear run your life, or choose to live with uncertainty and discomfort in pursuit of freedom and values (56:05).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On normalization & acceptance:

  "It doesn’t make you weak or bad... I don't want you to judge yourself. I don't want you to compare yourself to everybody else.” (20:14)

• Radical acceptance:

  "The more you try and resist a panic attack, the more you're probably going to have one. So we want it to... radically accept whatever panic we may or may not have and ride it out.” (36:17)

• Encouragement & self-celebration:

  "Go. You look at us, go. We're doing it. I want you to take those baby steps and be as gentle as you can.” (58:14)

• Empowerment after facing fear:

  "I have never felt more free in my entire life. I finally felt like anxiety wasn’t winning anymore…” (56:35, paraphrased client account)

Tools & Action Steps

• Self-Compassion: Consistently validate and soothe yourself.
• Mindset Shift: Frame flights as opportunities for growth and exposure.
• Mindfulness: Redirect intrusive thoughts with gentle present-moment focus.
• Value-Based Action: Do (or pretend to do) what you’d do if not anxious.
• Comfort Planning: Customize your flight environment for physical ease.
• Limit Safety Behaviors: Learn about planes only enough to diminish fear, not fuel compulsions.
• Direct Communication: Brief disclosures to seatmates can foster support.
• Medication: Consult your doctor if needed, avoid self-medicating with substances.
• Celebrate Progress: No matter how small, acknowledge every step.

Closing Encouragement (57:30–End)

Kimberley ends the episode by urging listeners to be gentle, celebrate themselves for their courage—even if their experience doesn’t look perfect or anxiety-free.

"You're not weak for having this fear. There's nothing wrong with you for having this fear… it's so common. So be gentle with yourself, be kind, but again, go out there, have the most amazing flight..." (58:24)

Suggested Listen Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:00] – What causes flight anxiety?
• [10:00] – Major fear categories explained
• [18:15] – "You're not actually afraid of planes…"
• [21:38] – Self-compassion practice
• [29:32] – Baby-step coping strategies
• [36:06] – Radical acceptance of panic
• [49:00] – Handling social/embarrassment anxiety in-flight
• [54:25] – Accepting thoughts aren’t facts
• [58:14] – Self-encouragement and celebration

Final Notes

Kimberley's approach is a blend of scientific rigor and deep compassion, making this episode particularly valuable for listeners preparing to fly or managing any anxiety. The core message: it’s not about erasing fear but learning to ride the wave with kindness, self-acceptance, and practical tools—a beautiful life is still possible.