Episode Summary:

Your Anxiety Toolkit – Episode 470: 5 Things to Ask Yourself When You Have Anxiety
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT | Anxiety & OCD Specialist
Date: January 28, 2026

Overview

In this heartfelt and practical solo episode, anxiety specialist Kimberley Quinlan shares five pivotal science-based questions to gently guide listeners through moments of anxiety. Instead of focusing on eliminating anxiety or spiraling into unhelpful thought patterns, Kimberley’s toolkit empowers listeners to make skillful, compassionate choices and build lasting confidence by changing their relationship with discomfort. The overall message: A beautiful life is possible—even with anxiety.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction: Connecting and Setting the Intention

• Kimberley checks in warmly with her listeners, reinforcing her commitment to providing science-based, actionable strategies.
• She emphasizes a mission to move beyond “quick fixes” and help people suffer less with anxiety.

  “The more I’m on social media, the more I see absolute craziness and horrible advice and very concerning like quick fixes… I am on a mission to help you suffer less, not suffer more with those types of skills and faulty strategies.” (03:08)

2. What This Episode Is—and Isn’t—About

• Kimberley cautions against traditional, unhelpful approaches—like searching for quick anxiety relief or analyzing origins in the moment.
• She sets boundaries for the episode:
  • It's not about eliminating anxiety or removing uncertainty.
  • No “figuring it out” via rumination or creating elaborate plans in search of insight.
  • Avoidance and reassurance-seeking are flagged as common but unhelpful habits.

    “If there is one mistake people make when it comes to anxiety and that is avoiding the things that make them anxious. Okay, these all make anxiety worse.” (04:32)

3. The 5 Questions to Ask Yourself During Anxiety

Question 1: Is this a thought or feeling, or is it a real danger that requires attention?

• Kimberley helps listeners distinguish between actual threats and anxious thoughts.
• “A thought about something is not a fact. It is not a threat. We don’t need to treat thoughts like they’re important or that they need a response… Our job is to get really good at not treating every single thought like it’s an imminent threat that needs solving right away.” (05:45)

Question 2: What are my options right now in this moment?

• Three possible responses to anxiety:
  1. Avoidance (Run Away): Natural but reinforces anxiety long-term.
     • “If you treat a thought and a feeling like it’s true and dangerous, you’re actually training your brain for tomorrow to treat thoughts as if they’re dangerous.” (07:02)
  2. Rumination/Catastrophizing: Mentally spinning, trying to resolve hypothetical scenarios.
     • “I strongly encourage you not to spend your valuable time trying to solve things that have not happened yet…” (09:37)
  3. Skillful and Effective Response: Acting in alignment with your values, not your anxiety.
     • “The work you do today is really helping out the tomorrow you or the two-week next version of you.” (07:21)

Question 3: What would the non-anxious me do right now?

• Interrupts unhelpful spirals and redirects behavior toward valued living.
• Kimberley shares a client story: writing out what their non-anxious self would do revealed instantly actionable steps.
• “It seems so silly and so easy, but it’s such an important question to ask ourselves because, again, if we don’t stop and slow down to ask ourselves, what’s going to happen is anxiety is going to hijack you…” (11:50)

Question 4: How willing am I to feel anxious?

• Emphasizes willingness to feel—not just “cope with” —anxiety’s physical sensations.
• Encourages self-kindness and curiosity: notice judgment, soften around discomfort.

  “How willing are you to create a space in your body where you can actually allow these physical sensations to rise and fall? And how safe are you to contain those feelings when you have them?” (13:10)

• Suggests self-soothing inner dialogue (“I love you, I’m so sorry that your heart is tight…”).

Question 5: How can I make this worse? (A counter-intuitive bonus)

• Invites listeners to “playfully” challenge themselves, testing their capacity to tolerate discomfort by exaggerating feared outcomes, often with humor.
• “I am here to challenge you to see whether you have a bigger window of tolerance for discomfort than you think.” (15:45)
• Examples: Social anxiety clients approach others directly, make jokes about anxiety symptoms.
• The outcome: A broader “window of tolerance” and a genuine boost in self-confidence.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Anyone who tells you that they have a skill that will make your anxiety disappear, run.” (05:10)
• “The work you do today, how you respond to anxiety today, you might get an immediate payoff. But in two weeks, you will have started to train your brain to have a different response.” (07:21)
• “What would the non-anxious me do? … It was like, oh, it’s right there on the paper. Like it’s literally right there.” (12:36)
• “How willing are you really? … Do you squint and be like, oh, I hate this, and judge it? Or do you just say, it’s okay that you’re here, it’s not dangerous.” (13:45)
• “Often when I say this to clients, they might sit back and look really alarmed and be like, Kimberley, you’re nuts… But this helped them to realize they have a much wider capacity for discomfort than they ever experienced. And that, my friends, is how confidence is born.” (16:05, 16:45)

Important Timestamps

• Introduction & Personal Check-in – 00:02–03:08
• Episode Framing: What Not To Do – 03:08–05:10
• Question 1: Thought or Danger? – 05:10–07:02
• Question 2: What Are My Options? – 07:02–09:37
• Question 3: Non-Anxious Self – 09:37–12:36
• Question 4: Willingness to Feel – 12:36–15:45
• Question 5: Making It Worse (Stretching Tolerance) – 15:45–17:35
• Bringing It All Together & Encouragement – 17:35–18:26

Conclusion & Final Encouragement

• Kimberley encourages listeners to check out her related episode, How to Stop White Knuckling Your Anxiety, for extended practical support on becoming more “willing.”
• She closes with a heartfelt reminder to be gentle and compassionate with oneself:

  “Thank you for spending your valuable time with me, and I hope you be super gentle with yourself this week because you deserve it.” (18:10)

If You Missed the Episode:

This summary arms you with Kimberley Quinlan’s five core questions to disrupt anxiety spirals, approach discomfort with compassion, and live more bravely today—not by banishing anxiety, but by building skills and willingness to face it.