470 5 Things to ask yourself when you have anxiety

Summary

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Episode Summary:

Your Anxiety Toolkit – Episode 470: 5 Things to Ask Yourself When You Have Anxiety
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT | Anxiety & OCD Specialist
Date: January 28, 2026

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Overview

In this heartfelt and practical solo episode, anxiety specialist Kimberley Quinlan shares five pivotal science-based questions to gently guide listeners through moments of anxiety. Instead of focusing on eliminating anxiety or spiraling into unhelpful thought patterns, Kimberley’s toolkit empowers listeners to make skillful, compassionate choices and build lasting confidence by changing their relationship with discomfort. The overall message: A beautiful life is possible—even with anxiety.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction: Connecting and Setting the Intention

• Kimberley checks in warmly with her listeners, reinforcing her commitment to providing science-based, actionable strategies.
• She emphasizes a mission to move beyond “quick fixes” and help people suffer less with anxiety.

  “The more I’m on social media, the more I see absolute craziness and horrible advice and very concerning like quick fixes… I am on a mission to help you suffer less, not suffer more with those types of skills and faulty strategies.” (03:08)

2. What This Episode Is—and Isn’t—About

• Kimberley cautions against traditional, unhelpful approaches—like searching for quick anxiety relief or analyzing origins in the moment.
• She sets boundaries for the episode:
  • It's not about eliminating anxiety or removing uncertainty.
  • No “figuring it out” via rumination or creating elaborate plans in search of insight.
  • Avoidance and reassurance-seeking are flagged as common but unhelpful habits.

    “If there is one mistake people make when it comes to anxiety and that is avoiding the things that make them anxious. Okay, these all make anxiety worse.” (04:32)

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3. The 5 Questions to Ask Yourself During Anxiety

Question 1: Is this a thought or feeling, or is it a real danger that requires attention?

• Kimberley helps listeners distinguish between actual threats and anxious thoughts.
• “A thought about something is not a fact. It is not a threat. We don’t need to treat thoughts like they’re important or that they need a response… Our job is to get really good at not treating every single thought like it’s an imminent threat that needs solving right away.” (05:45)

Question 2: What are my options right now in this moment?

• Three possible responses to anxiety:
  1. Avoidance (Run Away): Natural but reinforces anxiety long-term.
     • “If you treat a thought and a feeling like it’s true and dangerous, you’re actually training your brain for tomorrow to treat thoughts as if they’re dangerous.” (07:02)
  2. Rumination/Catastrophizing: Mentally spinning, trying to resolve hypothetical scenarios.
     • “I strongly encourage you not to spend your valuable time trying to solve things that have not happened yet…” (09:37)
  3. Skillful and Effective Response: Acting in alignment with your values, not your anxiety.
     • “The work you do today is really helping out the tomorrow you or the two-week next version of you.” (07:21)

Question 3: What would the non-anxious me do right now?

• Interrupts unhelpful spirals and redirects behavior toward valued living.
• Kimberley shares a client story: writing out what their non-anxious self would do revealed instantly actionable steps.
• “It seems so silly and so easy, but it’s such an important question to ask ourselves because, again, if we don’t stop and slow down to ask ourselves, what’s going to happen is anxiety is going to hijack you…” (11:50)

Question 4: How willing am I to feel anxious?

• Emphasizes willingness to feel—not just “cope with” —anxiety’s physical sensations.
• Encourages self-kindness and curiosity: notice judgment, soften around discomfort.

  “How willing are you to create a space in your body where you can actually allow these physical sensations to rise and fall? And how safe are you to contain those feelings when you have them?” (13:10)

• Suggests self-soothing inner dialogue (“I love you, I’m so sorry that your heart is tight…”).

Question 5: How can I make this worse? (A counter-intuitive bonus)

• Invites listeners to “playfully” challenge themselves, testing their capacity to tolerate discomfort by exaggerating feared outcomes, often with humor.
• “I am here to challenge you to see whether you have a bigger window of tolerance for discomfort than you think.” (15:45)
• Examples: Social anxiety clients approach others directly, make jokes about anxiety symptoms.
• The outcome: A broader “window of tolerance” and a genuine boost in self-confidence.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Anyone who tells you that they have a skill that will make your anxiety disappear, run.” (05:10)
• “The work you do today, how you respond to anxiety today, you might get an immediate payoff. But in two weeks, you will have started to train your brain to have a different response.” (07:21)
• “What would the non-anxious me do? … It was like, oh, it’s right there on the paper. Like it’s literally right there.” (12:36)
• “How willing are you really? … Do you squint and be like, oh, I hate this, and judge it? Or do you just say, it’s okay that you’re here, it’s not dangerous.” (13:45)
• “Often when I say this to clients, they might sit back and look really alarmed and be like, Kimberley, you’re nuts… But this helped them to realize they have a much wider capacity for discomfort than they ever experienced. And that, my friends, is how confidence is born.” (16:05, 16:45)

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Important Timestamps

• Introduction & Personal Check-in – 00:02–03:08
• Episode Framing: What Not To Do – 03:08–05:10
• Question 1: Thought or Danger? – 05:10–07:02
• Question 2: What Are My Options? – 07:02–09:37
• Question 3: Non-Anxious Self – 09:37–12:36
• Question 4: Willingness to Feel – 12:36–15:45
• Question 5: Making It Worse (Stretching Tolerance) – 15:45–17:35
• Bringing It All Together & Encouragement – 17:35–18:26

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Conclusion & Final Encouragement

• Kimberley encourages listeners to check out her related episode, How to Stop White Knuckling Your Anxiety, for extended practical support on becoming more “willing.”
• She closes with a heartfelt reminder to be gentle and compassionate with oneself:

  “Thank you for spending your valuable time with me, and I hope you be super gentle with yourself this week because you deserve it.” (18:10)

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If You Missed the Episode:

This summary arms you with Kimberley Quinlan’s five core questions to disrupt anxiety spirals, approach discomfort with compassion, and live more bravely today—not by banishing anxiety, but by building skills and willingness to face it.

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Transcript

[A]

Hello my loves.

[B]

It has been a while since I've sat down and recorded a more traditional.

[A]

Chat audio with you.

[B]

I've been doing my best here on the podcast to just dive into the information, dive in, give you as much high quality evidence based skills as I can. But I've really missed just checking in on you and saying, how are you doing? What's going on? Is there any tension you're holding in your body?

[A]

Is.

[B]

Are you being kind to yourself? I hope so. I just wanted to check in. There has been so much happening over here over at CBT School and in my private practice. We now, as many of you may know, we have a YouTube channel which I am really putting so much, so much time and effort into. As well as the podcast, I have recently launched a new course which you may also have known about called the Rumination Reset. This is a course that will help.

[A]

You to stop ruminating.

[B]

It is all science based. It is me teaching you the exact skills that I teach my client. This is a smaller course. It's just a focused solution for a specific problem. If you struggle with rumination, if you struggle with overthinking and catastrophizing and mental compulsions, please do go over to cptschool.com or you can click the link in the show notes and sign up for the Rumination Reset. It is my new favorite little baby course. In addition to that, I just wanted to let you know that we are pushing ahead with the content here, in fact where I am really considering doubling down and doubling the content I put out and really pushing to make sure you get access to actual skills that actually help. The more I'm on social media, the more I see absolute craziness and horrible advice and very concerning like quick fixes.

[A]

And I am on a mission to.

[B]

Help you suffer less, not suffer more with those types of skills and full tea strategies.

[A]

So that being said, let's get over to the show.

[B]

I hope you're doing well. I am sending you every single ounce of my love and I'll talk to you soon.

[A]

In this episode I am going to give you five specific questions that you can ask yourself when you're anxious. That will not feed, it will not cause you to ruminate more because who has time for that? And so that you can get back to your life where anxiety isn't taking up all of your attention. Hello, my name is Kimberly Quinlan. If we haven't met already, I am an anxiety and ocd specialist. I have a podcast called your anxiety Toolkit and my goal is to help you suffer less with anxiety, to get back to the life you want to live and be joyful. Because I know that anxiety can take away that from you. I have been through it myself. I've had hundreds and hundreds of clients, I have had thousands of students and tons of listeners, all who have found these simple science based strategies to help them. Now let's get clear about what you will not be focusing on in this episode. Number one, we are not here to eliminate anxiety. These questions are not going to make your anxiety disappear. In fact, anyone who tells you that they have a skill that will make your anxiety disappear, run. They're also not going to remove uncertainty and they are not going to lead you down a spiral where you have to think your way out of it. We are going directly for skills that are effective and will help you navigate it so you can make really effective decisions and have effective responses so you don't reinforce it. Now, most other therapists are going to ask questions like how can we make your anxiety go away? Or what underlying trauma might have caused this or might have been the. The predictor of this. Now, what I want to caution you with is these types of questions are going to keep you stuck. They're going to keep you stuck in the weeds of trying to solve and trying to figure it all out and come up with an elaborate plan and thinking that just insight in and of itself is going to help you with your anxiety. That is not what we're here to do. They might also ask you questions on like, how can we calm you down? Who can you call to calm down? Again, these types of questions are going to keep you stuck. Not always. There will be times when there is a time and a place for that. So I'm not here to dog on any therapist, but I want to really help you to understand these are not the questions we're going to be asking today. Another question I really don't like is do you need to leave and find a way to calm down so that we can relax your nervous system? Like those words do not jive well with me because they're, number one, feeding this idea that you can't handle anxiety. They're also feeding this idea that the only goal is to make your anxiety go away and go down and it's telling you to leave or avoid. And if there is one mistake people make when it comes to anxiety and that is avoiding the things that make them anxious. Okay, these all make anxiety worse. Let's get into it. Okay, question number one. Is this a thought or Feeling or is it a real danger that requires attention? This will help you to determine the difference between what is a thought and what is real. Now, if you're in the situation and you ask this question, you're like, no, a truck is actually coming for me. Absolutely run. Absolutely. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. However, if it is a thought about whether or not a truck may or may not hit you, that is a completely different situation. And we deal with that a lot differently now. If it is, what if I harm my loved one? That is a lot different to I am in a situation where my loved one is about to be harmed. A thought about something is not a fact. It is not a threat. We don't need to treat thoughts like they're important or that they need a response. They don't mean anything about you. And our job is to get really good at not treating every single thought like it's an imminent threat that needs solving right away. When you get good at this, then you start to have choices on how to respond. Now, number two is, what are my options right now in this moment? If you've determined that this is a thought or a feeling or a sensation or an urge or an image that's created that whoosh of anxiety, then you can say, okay, what are my options? Right. I'm going to give you three choices that I see in almost every situation, not everyone. So just stay with me and hopefully this applies. Number one option, number one is to run away. You can fight it. You could ask for reassurance, you could throw a table right. These are all things you could physically do to make this discomfort go away. Right now, we've all engaged in these. Nobody is at fault for this. It's a natural response for the human species. However, this physical response does tend to reinforce that thought or feeling. Again, if you treat a thought and a feeling like it's true and dangerous, you're actually training your brain for tomorrow to treat thoughts as if they're dangerous and an imminent threat. So I always tell clients, the work you do today is really helping out the tomorrow you or the two week next version of you. The work you do today, how you respond to anxiety today, you might get an immediate payoff. But in two weeks, you will have started to train your brain to have a different response.

[B]

Now, as you know, I have a private practice. I have six amazing therapists in Calabasas, California. However, we do not take insurance. Now, if you are looking for insurance covered OCD or BFRB treatment, I want.

[A]

To let you know about nocd?

[B]

Nocd provides face to face live video sessions with specialized licensed OCD therapists. Now, their therapists use exposure and response prevention. We know this is the gold standard for ocd. So you can be absolutely confirmed that you're in the right place there. And they have a clinically proven app.

[A]

That helps you stay connected to your.

[B]

Therapist and others who have OCD between sessions. So you'll always feel supported. Now, the quickest cool thing is NOCD is available in all 50 US states and even internationally and they accept most insurance plans, making it affordable and accessible. We love that. Now, if you think you might have OCD or you're struggling to manage your symptoms, you can book a free call. Just click the link in the show [e-mail] I am honored to partner with NOCD. I want to remind you that recovery is possible. Please do not forget that. Now big hugs and let's get back to the show.

[A]

Now choice number two is to ruminate and catastrophize about the worst case scenario. This is more of a mental response. We call this rumination. It's to resolve it, try to figure it out. What does it mean? Why did I have that thought? Could it happen? What would it mean about me if it did happen? How would I cope? This is just rumination. And remember, if we go back to the last slide is you have to identify that if it's a thought or feeling, I strongly encourage you not to spend your valuable time trying to solve things that have not happened yet or that happened yesterday or a month ago. Now, the third choice is to choose a skillful and effective response that does not make the anxiety worse for the short term or the long term. And what I mean by that. Let me start that again, actually. Now, choice number three is the one I actually prefer you to make. But we're all doing the best we can, and that is to choose a skillful and effective response that does not make your anxiety worse in the long term. Now, this is easier said than done, but it is absolutely doable. And what we're here to do in your anxiety toolkit is to practice and master that skill. We're here to choose effective skills that line up with your values, not line up with whatever anxiety is telling you to do. Now, we teach this in Overcoming Anxiety and Panic toolkit. We do a much deeper dive in identifying specific behaviors that are helpful for you and identifying these specific behaviors that have been getting you into trouble. If you're interested in that, if you're interested in that, head over to cbtschool.com and you can learn all about our courses there. This is a course that's going to go a deep dive into this specific area if this is an area that you need more support in. Now question number three is what would the non anxious me do right now? At the end of the day, that's what the question that's going to help you move forward the fastest. We don't want to sit there and spin, we want to move back into your life. So in that moment, what would the non anxious me do? And if they inquired often, clients and students of mine will say, I would laugh with my kids, I would write the report, I would do the dishes, I would make my bed, I would take a walk, I would read the book, I would get on the train, I would get on the plane, right? And so then we now know a master plan. I actually had a client recently who came in and was like, I have literally spent the last, last week trying to figure out what to do. I can't make decisions, I'm stuck. And I said, okay, tell me what the non anxious you would do. And I just jotted it down and I said, here's your homework, go and facilitate that as best as you can using the skills that we've discussed. And it was like, oh, it's right there on the paper. Like it's literally right there. And it seems so silly and so easy, but it's just, it's such an important question to ask ourselves because again, if we don't stop and slow down to ask ourselves, what's going to happen is anxiety is going to hijack you and have you moving in the direction of how can we just prevent bad things from happening or how can we just get stuck here in this rumination cycle? Now question four is really important and I talk about it a lot here on your anxiety toolkit, which is how willing am I to feel anxious? And if you are here watching on YouTube, you will hear me say, really, really, how willing are you really? We're not saying like how much anxiety do you have or how much anxiety do you have and what would you like to have? We're saying actually, how willing are you to actually feel the sensations of anxiety, the heart rate increase, the tingling of the skin, the tight throat, the tight tummy, when you have that, what is your relationship with that? That's probably what I should have put as number four and number five and number six. But for the sake of keeping this not too long, it's really important we Ask ourselves, like, really genuinely, how willing are you to create a space in your body where you can actually allow these physical sensations to rise and fall? And how safe are you to contain those feelings when you have them? Do you tighten up around them or do you relax around them? Do you squint and be like, oh, I hate this, and judge it? Or do you just say, it's okay that you're here, it's not dangerous. It's okay that I'm feeling this feeling. I don't need to change anything. Are you saying, you idiot, what's wrong with you? Or are you saying, I love you, I'm so sorry that your heart is tight and your chest is tight and your tummy is tight. How can I take care of you in a lovely, warm way while making space for this feeling? Okay, now let's move on to question number five, which is this is sort of like a bonus question and you don't have to go here all the way. This is again, an option. But I would love to challenge you for homework to trial this, which is, how can I make this worse? People get so alarmed when I ask this question, Kimberly, what do you mean, make it worse? I'm already so uncomfortable. And yes, I'm not here to punish you or to make you suffer, but I am here to challenge you to see whether you have a bigger window of tolerance for discomfort than you think. Often when I have say this to clients, they might, like, sit back and look really alarmed and be like, kimberly, you're nuts. And I'll say, well, just stay with me for the sake of this experiment. You're having all these thoughts that you hate. You're having all these thoughts that you think are really terrible, and you're beating yourself up for having them, and you're trying not to have them, and that's ruling your life. Let's just for an experiment, for just a couple minutes, practise having those thoughts. And let's just see. Let's put our little humour hats on and let's see if we can make it worse. Oh, you're afraid you're going to make a fool of yourself? Well, let's pretend that. Let's say, well, maybe I will make a fool of myself and I'll probably pee my pants too, like, again. Then you can start to be like, oh, okay. Or, okay, yeah, maybe I do have a panic attack. Maybe I'll have the biggest panic attack of my life and my head implodes, right? I'm making with humor. I'm making it a little worse now. In some cases, it might be, oh, you're really anxious about going in social situations. I've had a few clients do this beautifully, that social interaction is really hard for them. And they've said, kimberly, I remembered you saying, how can I make it worse? And in that moment, again, I had a choice. It was like that crossroads where I would either go stand in the corner and get my phone out or I'm going to walk straight up to that person and I'm going to say, hi, my name is Darrel, or my name is Denise. How are you? It's lovely to meet you. And they leaned into, I'm going to make it worse now. Once they did that, they didn't spend the whole night doing that. They pace themselves. But this helped them to realize they have a much wider capacity for discomfort than they ever experienced. And that, my friends, is how confidence is born. That is how self esteem is born. When we push ourselves, we practice widening our window of tolerance and we look back and we go, wow, dang, that was pretty impressive. It didn't go perfectly, but I'm actually way more capable than I thought. Now, let's put it all together if you want to take the next step. And I'm guessing that you've probably already decided that this is going to be hard. And in the past when you've tried some of these things, you've white knuckled it the entire way. What I'm going to encourage you to do is head on over to a recent episode we did called how to stop white knuckling your anxiety. And what you're going to learn there is how to actually practice being more willing. Head on over there and check it out. I'm sure the note that we will be sure to leave links in the show notes or in the description below. I am so grateful to have you here. Thank you for spending your valuable time with me and I hope you be super gentle with yourself this week because you deserve it. All right, friends, I'll see you next week. Please note that this podcast or any other resources from CBTSchool.com should not replace professional mental health care.

[B]

If you feel you would benefit, please.

[A]

Reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day and thank you for supporting CBTSchool.com.