A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating w/ Jordan Jensen | Your Mom's House Ep. 828

Summary

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Your Mom's House Ep. 828: "A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating" w/ Jordan Jensen

Podcast: Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Date: September 17, 2025
Guest: Jordan Jensen
Main Theme:
The Mommies (Christina P. and Tom Segura) welcome comedian Jordan Jensen for a hilarious, raw, and insightful conversation about gender norms, dating, comedy, masculinity, femininity, and personal growth. The episode covers everything from code-switching and crazy internet dating profiles to lesbian parenting, breaking the cycle of toxic relationships, and why female comics are all a little "dykey." Together, they dissect modern relationships, comedic identity, coping with social change, and (of course) the timeless art of public farting.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Code-Switching, Cultures, and "Elite Whites"

• Code-switching isn't just about race; Tom explains it's about matching language and behavior to any social context—bank meetings, old people, business deals, etc.
  • “People always think in terms of just race. But you also code switch based on, like, people's age and the setting you're in.” (Tom, 05:03)
• How to talk to high-status (mostly white) men: Tom humorously breaks down how to become an “elite white” conversationalist—learn their hobbies, keep a relaxed attitude, and be logical in complaints.
  • “If you know what they love, that's the way to a super elite white guy.” (Tom, 11:22)
• Conflict management: Tom shares advice from his dad: If you need to complain, avoid emotion, seek the highest person available, and never leave an angry paper trail.
  • “If you're pissed about something, never email it.” (Tom, 13:36)

Gender, Dating, and "Gender Traitors"

• Female comics & masculinity: Christina and Jordan discuss how female comedians often develop "dykey" or more masculine traits as a way of surviving and thriving in stand-up’s male-dominated environment.
  • “Comedy is, like, masculine energy ... it's always like, 'Nice fudgeing shirt, dipshit.'” (Tom, 45:10)
  • “I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics—because we're going against the gender norm in the first place.” (Christina, 44:51)
• Jordan's upbringing with two moms and a "dad":
  • Jordan shares the reality of lesbian parenting—one mom becomes the "dad," the other gets labeled as "emotional.”
    • “Because one's a bulldike, right, and one's a man ... two dads, basically.” (Jordan, 61:05)
• Relationship patterns: Jordan opens up about her toxic on-again, off-again relationship cycles, identifying as “anxious” and explaining how she’s setting a goal to take a full year off from reconnecting.
  • “If I keep doing this, I will die ... If I do a year, there’ll be a prize.” (Jordan, 70:38)
• "Gender traitor":
  • The term is affectionately used for women who don’t conform to traditional gender roles—or for women who overdo "femininity" with cosmetic procedures or compete in male spaces.
    • “I view a gender traitor sometimes as people who are too feminine ... women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits, I'm like, gender traitors.” (Jordan, 51:49)
• Dating as a female comic: Jordan candidly explores her dating life, stating she's mostly into emotionally unavailable Irish Catholic men, struggles to be sexual post-breakup, and finds most options on Raya and Hinge insufferable.
  • “My vagina is pretty racist ... I love all people, but my vagina likes...Irish Catholic.” (Jordan, 60:35)
• Joy and masculinity:
  • “Any was saying that what makes a man gay is joy and being silly and joyful and enjoying things ... When a guy's too happy, you're like, this guy's gay.” (Christina & Tom, 49:47)

Public Farting, Discharge, and Other Bodily Realities

• The origin and celebration of the "Double Pipe Classic": Tom recounts the rare event of simultaneous burping and farting (at [24:19]), now performed as a couple for the first time.
• Cat dental hygiene & pet talk: Christina vents on modern vet advice (e.g., brushing cats' teeth) and the absurdities of keeping pets healthy.
• Napkin pants: Christina admits to using jeans as napkins, sparking a debate with Tom over dignity and the merits of towels versus napkin alternatives ([37:18]).
• Jordan on discharge and vaginal mishaps: Jensen references her special’s jokes about vaginal tearing and the difference between being able to handle penises vs. vaginas as a slightly masculine woman ([42:01]).

Absurd Dating Videos & Modern Romance

• The hosts and Jordan review a series of cringy, hilarious dating profiles—everything from men showing off thick pink penises to presidential candidates recruiting a First Lady.
  • “If that's a bit. He's my husband.” (Jordan, 59:58)
• Soft alpha vs. beta males: Christina and Jordan dissect Tom’s “soft alpha” energy—dominant but not a jerk.
• Why are men so gross online? Jordan remarks on the difference between types of men on various dating apps, and why men’s inner thoughts (e.g., wanting “titties on my face and on my willies”) can be repulsive and yet universal ([62:52]).

Women, Aging, and Cosmetic Enhancements

• Competing definitions of femininity:
  • Debate on fillers, procedures, lip flips, and the pressure for women to maintain youthful looks.
  • “You have to age. We have to age like Native American chiefs all together.” (Jordan, 52:00)
• Lizzo, Nelly Furtado, and body image:
  • Conversation addresses pop icons, weight, and whether anyone is truly happy “that large.”
  • “You can't be happy when you're that large. You just... it's not happy. I know it.” (Christina, 36:13)

TikTok, Outliers, and Internet Weirdos

• Christina’s algorithm: Instead of positive, aspirational TikToks, she curates a stream showcasing society’s outcasts and “underbelly.”
  • “I like to identify and highlight the marginalized communities...The outliers.” (Christina, 80:46)
• Classic YMH moments: Reviewing viral oddballs—farting legends, breakdancing taxpayers, and elderly Massachusetts racists.
  • “You want to hear this guy fart? Please say yes...It’s King Asper.” (Tom, 99:24)
• Accepting the "misfits" as the backbone of American internet content and humor.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On code-switching:
  • “You walk in, you speak to people differently. That's just a normal thing to do. I also think people just don't do it well, right? So when somebody does it well, they're like, what are you doing?” (Tom, 05:03)
• Defining “elite whites”:
  • “High-level whites really respect it.” (Tom, 10:52)
• Jordan on being a "gender traitor":
  • “You're a gender trader. That should be the name of your next special—Gender Trader.” (Christina, 51:04)
• On female comics:
  • “I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics—we are all a little dykey to some regard because we're going against the gender norm in the first place.” (Christina, 44:51)
• On unhealthy relationship cycles:
  • “If I keep doing this, I will die ... I need a year to just be Jordan.” (Jordan, 70:38/71:27)
• Dating preference honesty:
  • “My vagina is pretty racist...I love all people, but my vagina likes...Irish Catholic.” (Jordan, 60:35)
• On men’s inner monologues:
  • “Just a quiet old man going, I want nookie.” (Jordan, 62:48)
• Jordan reflecting on being raised by two “dads”:
  • “My mom is a dad and my dad is a dad, and you know what I mean? So it was two dads, basically...” (Jordan, 61:05)
• Tom on acceptance of men’s failings:
  • “Guys are, you know, we are what ruins life. Like, we're the provokers. We're violent.” (Tom, 77:48)
• On compartmentalizing friends:
  • “There’s guys that I’m friends with who I would never have at my house... but I’m still like, oh, that’s a good friend of mine.” (Tom, 79:07)
• Jordan on relationship prizes:
  • “What do I get if I stay single for a year? ... A crazy tool set?” (Jordan & Tom, 69:00)
• Tom on classic American conflict:
  • “You just feel like you're about to watch a beat down or something. [The guy says:] 'Just stay miserable, you fat.'” (Tom, 87:09)

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Episode Structure & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Topic/Segment | |--------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:01–06:00 | Cold open, code-switching, "fully retarded" & cultural crossover| | 10:00–13:13 | Talking “elite whites”, communication strategies | | 16:26–21:50 | Absurd internet personalities & fart stories | | 24:06–25:33 | "Double Pipe Classic": couple’s first double pipe collaboration | | 31:01–36:41 | Modern marriage, kids, fat positivity, Nelly Furtado, Lizzo | | 39:17–44:51 | Jordan Jensen's background, philosophy, comedy identity | | 45:09–46:41 | Female comics & masculine energy | | 47:39–49:47 | Bro culture, cold plunge/sauna obsession & joy = "gay" men | | 51:03–52:23 | What it means to be a “Gender Traitor” | | 54:01–55:02 | Jordan's big movie role & actor lifestyle | | 56:12–68:08 | Relationship habits, self-sabotage, setting goals to stay single| | 71:19–73:33 | Menopause, shutting it down, and life post-romance | | 80:45–96:30 | Christina’s TikTok, the internet’s outliers, crowd-sourced oddities| | 99:00–101:10 | King Asper, "fart legend" tribute | | 101:46–end | Plugs for Jordan’s Netflix special, podcast, comedic sign-off |

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The episode is blunt, silly, raunchy, deeply self-aware, and self-deprecating—characteristic of Your Mom’s House.
• Jordan Jensen’s presence lifts the episode into an honest exploration of gender, sexuality, emotional health, and why so many women (especially comics) default to masculine behaviors as armor.
• The group’s review of internet weirdos and cringe dating profiles mixes real disgust with affectionate fascination for humanity’s underbelly.
• Jordan’s determination to break her cycle of toxic on-off relationships, with group accountability and the promise of a “prize,” is both humorous and inspiring.
• The camaraderie & mutual roasting reflect the deepest bonds in comedy—a safe space to be totally real about what it means to exist in today’s culture.

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Must-Listen Segments

• [05:03] Tom explains code-switching and "elite whites"
• [24:06] "Double Pipe Classic" as a couple
• [37:18] The philosophy of "napkin pants" (using jeans as napkins)
• [42:08] Jordan’s tales of vaginal mishaps and growing up with two moms and a “weird uncle dad”
• [51:04] Defining "gender traitor" and the evolution of feminine norms
• [62:52] The universal grossness of men’s thoughts captured in dating profiles
• [70:38] Jordan commits to a year without her toxic ex—if she holds out, Tom’s buying her a big prize
• [80:45] Christina’s alternative TikTok feed and discussion of online oddballs
• [99:24] The King Asper "fart legend" segment

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For New Listeners:

If you haven't heard this episode, you'll get:

• A masterclass in irreverent, no-holds-barred comedy banter.
• Honest reflections on gender, dating, body image, and emotional growth.
• Jordan Jensen’s utterly unique blend of vulnerability and hilarious self-roasting.
• A window into the weirdest and most wonderful corners of the internet.

Check out Jordan’s new Netflix special "Take Me with Youh"; podcast Being Ian with Jordan; and follow her for more stand up and dating misadventures.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Jordan Jensen]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds of. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Christina P]

Fully, fully retarded. Do that one, Larry. No, no.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do.

[Christina P]

Do sock a souffle guy saying mentally retarded. Is that him?

[Tom Segura]

No, no.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Who said mentally retarded? It sounded like a newscaster, like somebody.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. That is Larry King. No, that. That's just like a. A old. Old advertising thing for where they.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

Where they're like the mentally retarded can live in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think it was for like a product. Like this is a fully retarded product. Meaning you know, that it can stop like. And. And. Yeah, whatever.

[Christina P]

I got you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, do it.

[Christina P]

That door, dad.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

And fully retarded.

[Tom Segura]

That clip got you so good. Tom. Back then. Story time. Yeah, that third time when he drooled.

[Christina P]

You gotta find him again. This is not best.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, you are completely.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Jordan Jensen]

That'll be so.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not. Yeah, I. I'd go. I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me.

[Jordan Jensen]

I was going to knock her in.

[Tom Segura]

The head with a claw hammer.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I retard any girl who knows what a claw handle. Yeah. Lesbian.

[Christina P]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

Lesbian. Yeah. You know, there's one coming in here in a minute.

[Christina P]

Oh, hi. Thanks. Heather Mills. I just wanted to refresh everybody on the artwork I did of my husband Tim. I'm not putting it up for sale yet, but I have increased the price of around and find out to $60,000 now on the YMH website. I just. I'm so proud of this and I feel like I want people to enjoy it and cherish it.

[Tom Segura]

It's really flattering. Thank you for doing that. It's really cool.

[Christina P]

You got it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Mapa.

[Christina P]

I hate that Pom pom, dad.

[Tom Segura]

That's how I refer to my parents.

[Christina P]

Can you stop start calling Charo that? I don't want this to get stained.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's so gay.

[Christina P]

That's so gay. Sounds like Sydney Sweeney.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you have your beautiful artwork.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And your lip shits.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. By my lips shirts, everybody. I am wearing right now on my face, a brand new product that will be revealed in the winter. Time for Christmas. I'm just going to say it's very exciting, very amazed. Christinap.com you can get my flagship colors, the perfect red, Madison, Berlin, and Atomic Red. Buy all four for the lady.

[Tom Segura]

You graciously sent gifts of them to the set. When I was on, I gave it to the makeup department and they all put it on and then they're like, hey, you sold more. Because the. Everyone was like, where'd you get that? And then they. They ordered it. People were ordering.

[Christina P]

Jose. Well, thanks, Tom Hanks. I appreciate it.

[Tom Segura]

That was awesome, man. Thank you for doing that.

[Christina P]

Thank you. Very handsome. I'm gonna draw more pictures of your nude body.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for the details.

[Christina P]

Do you know that our cat went to the vet today for a stupid poor scratch on her. On his.

[Jordan Jensen]

Her.

[Christina P]

I misgendered. Our cat.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Honest. And you know, the vet said, what? This cat has gingivitis.

[Tom Segura]

Gingivitis.

[Christina P]

And I was like, dude, what cat doesn't have gingivitis? Or what dog? Yeah, they all do. And you got to brush the cat's teeth. I'm like, who the is brushing their teeth?

[Tom Segura]

What about the scratch? What did they say about it?

[Christina P]

It's just a little boop. You just put some ointment on it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And it goes away. But I mean, don't tell me to brush the cats or the dog's teeth. Nobody does that, right?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think some people.

[Christina P]

Do you guys brush your cat's teeth? Normal people aren't doing this. I used to every day.

[Tom Segura]

No, but yeah, I would every now and then. Wow.

[Christina P]

I'm surprised by you. Any. You're so different today. You went from. He was very different today in the. The meeting.

[Tom Segura]

How so?

[Christina P]

He's just. He's code switching. Oh, he came in a little.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I get accused of that a lot.

[Christina P]

You.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, people say that I do that a lot. You know why? Why? It's cuz. Cuz we mixed, man. We had to. It's also. It's not abnormal. Like, people don't realize that they do it.

[Christina P]

I do it too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but people do it. People always think in terms of just race. But you also code switch based on, like, people's age and the setting you're in. You know, like if you're in a bank and you're meeting the. The manager, you do a version of a code switch. If you're with someone's grandparents, you're not like, what's up? You don't. You walk in, you speak to people differently. That's just a normal thing. To do. I also think people just don't do it well, right? So when somebody does it well, they're like, what are you doing? Somebody. It's like you do the same thing. You just can't do it right? Because, like, the worst. The worst, to me, the cringiest comedy movies and they've done these with the top talent in. In the field is when they have the white person who's like, you have a new black friend. And then the. The spin in the movie is like he puts on a gold chain and he goes, what's up, my brother? And everyone's like, that's hilarious. And you're like, that is awful. Like, it's just like a cartoon version of, like, I'm in a rap video. And it's so cringey. It's so bad. Shout out to Loquisha. Shout out to Loquisha.

[Jordan Jensen]

Who? Baby, I got something nice for you today.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Who did that again? Refresh my memory.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, how did they get it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you like?

[Tom Segura]

I. I find it so crazy that. Oh, you can't, like, maybe on some. A site that. Where, you know, I don't know, like a Reddit or something, they have it up, but they like. The trailer was gone. Oh, you can watch it on Tubi.

[Christina P]

They've scrubbed Revenge of the Nerds. You hear me? You can't even see Revenge of the.

[Tom Segura]

Nerds if you can pull up this trailer anymore. I could not find it. Did they release it? No way. Yeah, it came out. Is it still up in Way Go? Because this was gone. We couldn't find this.

[Christina P]

We need a viewing party. What are we doing?

[Jordan Jensen]

You always seem to say the right.

[Tom Segura]

Thing to just the right person.

[Jordan Jensen]

Watch your secret.

[Tom Segura]

This looks like rhyme. I'm really just talking to myself. I don't charge for my advice.

[Christina P]

Well, you should, because it was amazing. I saw this and I thought of you. You will be a hit in no time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Welcome to the Joe Show.

[Tom Segura]

I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show.

[Jordan Jensen]

Well, congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

They rejected it. Well, congratulations then. That was. That wasn't right for your own show.

[Jordan Jensen]

Jason skipped it.

[Christina P]

Need to get the money for this school.

[Tom Segura]

Come , let's hear.

[Jordan Jensen]

13,000 a semester.

[Tom Segura]

Here it comes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nashley needs her own show.

[Tom Segura]

I was a black woman, I'd be perfect. This is so insane. She's brilliant.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Get her in here. The biggest thing in radio, but I still need my anonymity.

[Jordan Jensen]

You nervous? It's not a crime.

[Tom Segura]

It's theater you love with Loquisha. What's your Problem.

[Christina P]

Hi, Loquisha.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's Ray.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I ain't talking to you. Not the way you sound. Next. Call her.

[Christina P]

You go, girl.

[Tom Segura]

You just be good to her. If you good to yourself, you can be good to others. Don't be too good. Cause the police will come around. It's like. It's not at all believable. No, not at all. That's the problem. Okay, we're good. Oh, that's. You. The. The problem. The thing is, when you do these, you have to be. You have to nail it. Do you know what I mean? Like, you can do this.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, right.

[Christina P]

I see what you're saying.

[Tom Segura]

If. If you can really. But, like, if. If you. If you just have it, like, degrees off, then you go, like, what?

[Christina P]

You have to have roots in that culture yet, you know, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

If you have to have roots in the culture, but, like, your representation of it has to be spot on. Like, if you nail it, then everyone goes, that's. Yeah, you did it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, well, that's true. Well, that's true, because we've had that comedian in here. Just was here when I was gone. My brain is addled from opioids. Gary Owen. Gary Owen. And.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but he's.

[Jordan Jensen]

He.

[Tom Segura]

He just is a good comedian.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who. He knows a culture and he knows how to make observations. And he's being himself. He's not doing a caricature. He's not being like, what it is, my bro. Like, he doesn't come out like that.

[Christina P]

He's just being. I agree, I agree.

[Tom Segura]

And he's also been immersed in a culture, so he has nailed that. But I'm saying, like, that movie can be done well if you are like. You could do the impression. If your impression is like, spot on is spot on.

[Christina P]

And the people are like, oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He's like, girl. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You out your mind. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's like, keep on. Keep saying your little queen. Like, that's. It's nonsense. It just. You. You feel like you're. What? No, this is a sketch.

[Christina P]

I mean, it's too generic. It needs to be more specific. Yeah, we need to. If he really took time to create a black lady character, maybe it's like Russell Peters.

[Tom Segura]

Russell Peters does that. Right. You know what I'm saying?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He knows. He nails. He knows that culture, but he nails it. Yeah. Yeah, he does that for. I would say almost every time he does. I've been at shows with him where he'll literally be like, where the Sri Lankan people at?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they Go, oh yeah, hype up. And then he does something just for them and then he does like something for Cantonese speaking, Mandarin speaking and then northern India. And he's just. Because he knows them so well and he, he does the accent perfectly and his reference is perfect, you know, so it's like, it's, it's just about actually nailing it.

[Christina P]

Well, I've heard you talk white guy and you do it really well.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like I've watched you do white stuff.

[Tom Segura]

White it up.

[Christina P]

Oh my God. Like when you do phone call and you go, hi, how are you today? I'm good, how are you? Like I want to blow my brains out. Because to me it's such a stupid thing. Like why would you ask somebody that if you're not going to wait for the answer? It's just a, it's a nicety that fudgeing enrages my soul.

[Tom Segura]

It's a white.

[Christina P]

Why People love it.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

They love this.

[Tom Segura]

High level whites really respect it.

[Christina P]

High level whites.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you got it. Talking about top tier whites.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There's a certain way to speak to them.

[Christina P]

What else? They like talking about golf. The, the family.

[Tom Segura]

You learn every top tier whites hobby and then you address that momentarily. You know, he's a tennis guy, golf guy, chess guy. You gotta, you have to.

[Christina P]

You're blowing my mind right now. You're right. Because I remember when Mark Cuban came in, I was like, how is Tom gonna white guy it up with Mark Cuban? And lo and behold, the two of you are just two peas in a pod.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's an elite white. And then you just know. But he's not pretentious. You can't go pretentious with him. But you always meet them. You know, here's the thing. If you know what they love, that's, that's the way to a super elite white guy.

[Christina P]

Sorry, Elite white man.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He loves more than anything basketball. I'm saying, as in the world of like hobbies and whatnot. So you bring up basketball, you can have easily a two hour conversation with that guy.

[Christina P]

And. But here's the deal, man, is that. Do you enjoy talking about basketball or you just endure it?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I could. That's. Now if he was just like my favorite shit's ballet. I would do a little research and then suffer through the conversation.

[Christina P]

Okay, See that's.

[Tom Segura]

But you also just using it as a bridge to the. To get to, you know, whatever you actually really want to talk about.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Christina P]

How come it took me like 49 years to learn this stuff?

[Tom Segura]

Had good white training, man.

[Christina P]

So dumb.

[Tom Segura]

I was with a lot of elite whites.

[Christina P]

You really were. I. I don't think I. Like, I watched you talk to them, you know, over the years, and I'm like, oh, that's how you talk to, like, appropriate people, like attorneys or like agents or like business people. Cuz I. Yeah, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a good one. And then I tell you, the one my dad taught me, this is like, from so many, like white men, is like, if something isn't right, like at. In. In some type of experience. In other words, like a hotel stay a. Like something like is. Is. Is up. It's like the people who. A lot of people go in, they go, what the. They curse everything. He's like, never do that. You always get the highest level person you can get. And then you just tell them about your experience, you know, you understand, like, the difference. So you're like, hey, you know, we paid to stay at this resort. And then this is what my experience has been thus far, dude. When I did that at like a. For a. Like the whole. The whole world is given to you by. By doing it in a. Like.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Not angry.

[Tom Segura]

Not angry. Not emotional. Just logical. And you just tell them this is what was wrong. That was a top dog thing.

[Christina P]

He's so smart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So he learned how to be an elite white from his family.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he was working with, you know, elite whites.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he's just like, passing on. Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

Because that's not how it works in like the immigrant world. Like my stepdad.

[Tom Segura]

And if you got some to say, some. If you're pissed about something, never email it.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Why?

[Christina P]

Because it's a paper trail.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you don't want that.

[Christina P]

You don't want that.

[Tom Segura]

You make a phone call.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you do. Verbal. Verbal. Well, my stepdad, when he would threaten people's lives or get angry or it was always in person or over the phone.

[Tom Segura]

Elite whites and criminals know that sometimes.

[Christina P]

They'Re the same thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, very often.

[Christina P]

When we started this podcast, it felt like we had to figure out everything. Production, branding, marketing. It was a lot. And I wish we had Shopify back then. We use Shopify to power our merch store. It made it super easy to launch and manage everything from designing the site to handling drops like the Air Segura shirt. We can track orders, restock, and stay on top of it all without needing a full whole team. Shopify powers millions of businesses and handles 10% of all e commerce in the US from big names like Mattel and Gymshark to companies like us. Here at YMH, you can build an online store with hundreds of templates, create content with built in AI tools, and run email and social campaigns. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com momshouse go to shopify.com momshouse shopify.com momshouse.

[Tom Segura]

Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Listen, you think that you're hard and you think you know how to get there. But if you haven't had a bluechew, you're lying to yourself and to everyone that spends time with your penis. You have to get this. You can get harder, you can get stronger, you can knock things over with this. Guys, this isn't just about performance. This is about legacy. Or third legacy. Give her group chat. Something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about it, how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bluechew. Discover your [e-mail] We've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay 5 bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and important safety information. And huge thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and keeping me hard.

[Jordan Jensen]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

All right, well, here's an elite.

[Christina P]

Yeah, okay, let's see. Elite whites. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, here we go.

[Christina P]

But he needs to tell my ex friend Jan Bradbury that she can't be with me because she likes doing German punishments and vibrating my feet with a demon. And she's done that hundreds of times and she vibrated my womb for too long when I was in bed home alone in Des Moines, Iowa when I first lived there back in 2018. 2019. And I had to go to the ER and be examined because she wouldn't you. So, Jan, you're going to hell for blasting my holy spirit. You can't be with me. Get out of my life.

[Tom Segura]

Who is land?

[Jordan Jensen]

Don't bring anyone Mother to this.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome.

[Jordan Jensen]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Segura.

[Jordan Jensen]

And Christina P.

[Tom Segura]

Now, that wasn't a beard. Flake me. That was just a. A furry. This lady, she said a lot of interesting.

[Christina P]

She's been all over, dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've been following her work.

[Tom Segura]

One of the craziest things to me.

[Christina P]

You got to respect the song.

[Tom Segura]

Is it bad that, like, of everything she said. What? I hung on to the mo.

[Christina P]

I know. I know what you're.

[Tom Segura]

Is that she said Des Moines, and that's her home in my home in Des Moines.

[Christina P]

Completely inaccurate.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody from Des Moines pluralizes it.

[Christina P]

Never in Des Moines.

[Tom Segura]

Des Moines.

[Christina P]

No. Even I know it's Demo the dummy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, it's insane. And my home in Des Moines.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But forget the demons in your feet and your womb being vibrated.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

De Moines.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's completely inaccurate. But maybe it's the womb vibrations that's.

[Tom Segura]

Messing up her speech. Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

She probably needs to get her ass. You know, you put something in your.

[Tom Segura]

Butt, put a ball in your. And then it realigns your hips.

[Christina P]

Amen. And she's done that hundreds of times. And she vibrated my womb for too long. I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa, when I first said Des Moines. It's upsetting.

[Tom Segura]

It's really crazy.

[Christina P]

No, I agree with you.

[Tom Segura]

Forget what Jan did. Just start referring to your home, Des Moines, correctly.

[Christina P]

I agree.

[Tom Segura]

Everything else will fall in line.

[Christina P]

I have zero tolerance for people that know nothing about the city they live in.

[Jordan Jensen]

Come on.

[Christina P]

It really bothers me. And this is a representation of that sort of thing. Right? Right now. Have some pride.

[Tom Segura]

Have a little.

[Christina P]

Have some pride.

[Tom Segura]

Have a little pride.

[Jordan Jensen]

We were walking down an aisle, and there were, like, two guys that walked up next to us. You know, Peyton, like, walked away. My wife walked away for just a second. And they were, like, snickering to their. Like, to themselves or something. And, like, I didn't really think much of it. So I'm just looking at the candy aisle, trying to decide what candy I want, and he walks by and gets, like, inches from me and just rips one, like, farts, like, this far from me. That's disgusting to say. I can't even believe I'm having to say this, but he did. And about that time, Peyton walked up, like, didn't witness what happened, but, like, seconds later, and I'm, like, upset, and I follow after him, and I was like, is there a reason you were just so disrespectful to me? What?

[Christina P]

Called you a Minute, come here.

[Jordan Jensen]

And he never felt so dehumanized.

[Christina P]

Not only did he fart on her, when she confronted him, he said, just walk away.

[Jordan Jensen]

This is Albertsons, by the way.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And go to the customer service to be like, hey, this just happened. I was just disrespected in your store and called names like several times.

[Christina P]

Don't dare do that.

[Jordan Jensen]

And they security guard went and talked to him, came back, and they all just kind of looked at us and was like, well, can't y' all just leave? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is this a standard for society?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's not. There's so many problems with this for society, but it's what you get sometimes. Sometimes you're shopping for kale and quinoa Quinnal.

[Christina P]

She was in the candy aisle.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you're looking for candy. Looking for candy and someone farts. It just happens, right?

[Christina P]

And also, like, I, I take offense that she's taking offense at someone's fart. Meaning how could you take somebody's fart personal? Personally, rather, how do you know he was directing the fart at you? It's a little narcissistic.

[Tom Segura]

He's just a pig. And he farted.

[Christina P]

It's just a guy farting in the candy.

[Tom Segura]

You know, my favorite public fart story ever is that I didn't do it, but that I witnessed. And it's been years. I was working at America's Most Wanted in D.C. and I shared an office with one of the on camera guys who's also. His name was Tom. And we, like, we talked about music a lot. We liked a lot of the same music. And so one day we took a, we took a walk, Tom and I walk into a record store and we're like, let's go see what I think must have been like a Tuesday, because back then that's when records dropped. So we're, let's go look at like, what came out today. So we, you know, we take a little walk. And back then, for people that are too young now, a lot of record stores had listening stations, right? So people would. You could pick up headphones and you could listen to like, classics or like new stuff. So there was a guy in there who had to have been about 330 pounds, right? He was a big fat. And he's sitting there and me and Tom are like, looking at this guy. He's like. And then he hits a, like a high. He goes like, he sings and he farts at the, like loud and long. And we both were like, yo. And he Looked at us, and he was like. And he turned. He had turned away. Like, I think he didn't know he farted. I. I don't think. I think he didn't know he farted. I think he looked at us like, you don't like my singing, y'?

[Christina P]

All?

[Tom Segura]

And he turned his head, and we were both like. And we laughed. We laughed so hard. And that's part of, like, why I was like, I think he thinks we're laughing at it, singing. He's so big. He probably just farts all the time and doesn't register.

[Christina P]

But, Tom, think about this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Have you ever farted and it not registered to you that you farted? I don't think so.

[Tom Segura]

Picture.

[Christina P]

I know. With the headphones.

[Tom Segura]

It's the headphones. And also, don't forget that he's engaging his diaphragm. He's like, hey. He's, like, letting it out. Came out at the same time. Okay, yeah, maybe. Maybe he did know. He's like, I don't give a fuck. But it felt like he was like, I don't know that I just did that.

[Christina P]

But see, don't you feel like that's a blessing in the skies? And you didn't take that fart personally?

[Tom Segura]

No, I did not take it personally. I laughed. I thought it was hilarious.

[Christina P]

Because it's a gift.

[Tom Segura]

And we were close to him, Right?

[Christina P]

And when somebody farts in public for you like that, you should take that for what it is. It's a gift from God. It's. It's a special.

[Tom Segura]

It is pretty special.

[Christina P]

It's not personal.

[Tom Segura]

It's not.

[Christina P]

Oh, and speaking of farts, we haven't even brought. This is breaking news in the YMH world. Can you please play Cats eating kibble? And it's very important.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P]

This is a big deal. The other day, we were in the room. Do you remember who did what, though?

[Tom Segura]

I think I burped.

[Christina P]

We were in the same room, and at the same time, I farted and you burped. Now, when one human does it, it's a double pipe classic, which is a term you invented, by the way, and you don't get nearly enough credit for it.

[Tom Segura]

I appreciate that.

[Christina P]

It's on the Internet, on the urban dictionary. I don't see your name credited. Oh, it does. The rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp a fart at the same time credit.

[Tom Segura]

And then they give an example. Shit. Washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca Cola gave me the double pipe classic. Most Men are only lucky enough to have that a few times in their life. Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

[Christina P]

But I feel as though this is a whole new thing as a couple. We've never created a double pipe classic.

[Tom Segura]

It was very cool.

[Christina P]

Two mommies, one pipe. Two mommies, one.

[Tom Segura]

Is it a double pipe collab? A double pipe collab. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's very 20, 25.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, what's it called when two streams enter one canal? You know?

[Christina P]

Oh, two streams enter one canal.

[Tom Segura]

It's got to be like.

[Christina P]

Like the sewer system.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, California. Or like, just in nature. There's got to be. There's got to be a term for when.

[Christina P]

Like a dike.

[Tom Segura]

These.

[Christina P]

Is that a dike is a water thing and I don't know. Confluence.

[Tom Segura]

There it is.

[Christina P]

Conflatulence.

[Tom Segura]

Confluence. Yeah. Canal confluence, a less common use of the term, but it can describe when two or more canals join together. Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

A canal confluence.

[Tom Segura]

It's called a couple's canal confluence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is.

[Christina P]

So proud of you, man.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina P]

So awesome.

[Tom Segura]

So awesome.

[Christina P]

I. I hope.

[Tom Segura]

How was your weekend? I had a little canal confluence with my partner.

[Christina P]

Partner?

[Tom Segura]

Partner.

[Christina P]

Gay partner, by the way. So gay. And I. I will not call you my partner ever. I hate it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What's your pronoun?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I was at the pizza place with the boys this weekend, and I was, like, making small talk with the table next to me. What's it like to have boys? And I was like, it's chaos.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Get insurance on your house. It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Jordan Jensen]

You.

[Tom Segura]

He goes. You and me and everyone.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's our little guy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right, dude. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I forgot what I was gonna say.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh.

[Christina P]

We were talking and talking and talking, and then at one point, she goes, do you. I don't know. Do you have a husband? I don't know if you have a husband. And I was like, how old am I? First of all, of course I have a husband.

[Tom Segura]

That's what you said to this lady.

[Christina P]

No. In my head, I'm thinking, you stupid. Of course I have a husband. I'm 50 years old. I have a ring. I got two kids. I'm old. Yes. I'm not this generation that just makes kids willing nilly with strangers.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

At people or whatever it is these are doing, and then calling each other partners. It's super up. I don't do that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

But it really upset me.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, I have a husband. Yeah.

[Christina P]

God. I mean, do I. Do you have a husband. It was like the first time in my life anybody had seen me along with the kids and presumed I would be part partnerless or husbandless. I mean, maybe I looked like a lesbo. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

All right?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

Why would she ask me such a stupid question?

[Tom Segura]

Did you return the question?

[Christina P]

So many.

[Tom Segura]

What about you? Your husband?

[Christina P]

Well, her husband was there. He was sitting there.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Big dummy. I saw him too. And I was like, don't ask me stuff like that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right.

[Christina P]

It's pretty useless.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus. Right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Fuck you, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there you go.

[Christina P]

Made me mad.

[Tom Segura]

I can see that. That's very cool.

[Christina P]

Do I look like I can't get one? You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Football season is finally here, people. And boy, have I been looking forward to it. That's why I've teamed up with DraftKings sportsbook to get you in on all the action. Whether it's that next great touchdown or wild finish. DraftKings sportsbook is right there for with you new customers. Bet just $5 and you'll instantly get $200 in bonus bets. That's right. You sign up, you bet just $5 and you'll get $200 in bonus bets to play with. Just make sure you sign up using our promo code, Mom. You can use those bonus bets on same game parlays for a shot at an even bigger payout. Or try live betting on in progress games right as they happen. And if sports betting isn't yet available in your state, don't worry. DraftKings still has you covered with DraftKings Daily Fantasy Sports where you can play for cash prizes every week. So don't wait. Download the DraftKings sportsbook. Now sign up with the promo code. Mom. That's M O M. Bet $5 and get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

[Jordan Jensen]

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[Christina P]

You know, the other day someone asked me, should I buy Helix Mattresses? Is it true that you sleep on a Helix mattress? Duh. Yes. I promise you, we do. And I Love it. Because this is such a customizable sleep experience. How you just take their quiz, you go on their website, you tell them your sleeping position. Are you a side sleeper? Are you a back sleeper? Your sleeping temperature. And if you sleep with a partner or by yourself and they have cooling mattress covers for hot sleepers, extra memory foam padding for the side sleepers, which is what I am. And Helix also sells bed frames, pillows, sheets and a lot of other bedding options. It really is your one stop bedding shop. So go to helixsleep.com ymh for 25% off site wide. That's helix sleep.com ymh for 25 percent off site wide. Helix sleep.comm I was dressed cute too. Like I always look good when I leave the house. You know me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Fashionable fashion.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P]

She thinks, like I look so gay or unattractive.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. This is a real deep. Well, you're going down right now.

[Christina P]

But isn't it true that I heard the kids aren't getting married now? And the kids, the younger generation, they're.

[Tom Segura]

Not getting married, they're just taking a different path. Like. Like, yes. Check this out. This is like from Tell me somebody else. Hello, my name is Matthew Garapic and I'm a candidate for President in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds. I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies that will be my first lady when I run For President in 2032, please email an application of some photos and where you're from to garet2032 first lady gmail.com.

[Christina P]

Oh, geez.

[Tom Segura]

I'll have my staff reach out to you. That seem to be a good fit. Remember in 2032 to vote for Matthew Garrett pick for president. Let's go.

[Christina P]

I mean, I like his ambition.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, he's got. I mean, he's got the charisma.

[Christina P]

You're right, Tom. Some people just take a different path.

[Tom Segura]

It's a different path. He's looking for a lady. It's just in his own way.

[Christina P]

But she has to be 18.

[Tom Segura]

Let's go. Like that was. Yeah, he's. That AC is AC.

[Christina P]

It's AC. And again, you really need a simpler email.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Gary picked 2001. 95 7.

[Tom Segura]

Like, don't do that. First lady at Jeep. Like that's. I mean, how's your staff gonna deal with all these emails?

[Christina P]

It's too much. You had to simplify the message.

[Tom Segura]

Could the ladies that work here, like, submit their applications? Just want to see what it's like when the staff reaches out, Please? Yeah, you just be like, hey, I'm interested, babes. Nana says yes, yes, yes.

[Christina P]

You have to be how old, though? 18 is the cutoff, right?

[Tom Segura]

No, 18 or older. He wants. He wants an adult.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's cool. And 145.

[Tom Segura]

145. I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. What are you gonna be wrangling cattle? Why are you getting.

[Christina P]

I was gonna say I barely made that cut.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, all right.

[Christina P]

Do you have a husband?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think you should cut him off a little bit lighter. You know what I mean? This guy's obviously generous. Like, he's willing to go.

[Christina P]

Well, that's another thing too. Yeah. Is it's. It's okay to be heftier now? Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, 145 is fine.

[Tom Segura]

145. He's looking for a full figured woman.

[Christina P]

That's me. Like, I've already had that.

[Tom Segura]

She's got hips.

[Christina P]

I'm a cow. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. Speaking of. Yeah, have you seen Nelly Furtado lately?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, stop. We're not doing this. What is wrong with you?

[Christina P]

Because I know you liked her back in the night.

[Tom Segura]

I like her still. I like Nelly for.

[Christina P]

I do. I like her too.

[Tom Segura]

Why are you whispering?

[Christina P]

Because I want her. I don't want her to hear it that I'm talking. Because I think I like her.

[Tom Segura]

She's pretty. What are you doing?

[Christina P]

She's over 145.

[Tom Segura]

So what? She looks good. Dude, come on. Come on. She looks good, babe.

[Christina P]

The black guy is like, come on.

[Tom Segura]

The black guy. Jesus Christ.

[Christina P]

Your culture doesn't mind, right?

[Tom Segura]

You're terrible, man. I still think she's beautiful.

[Jordan Jensen]

She is.

[Tom Segura]

And she is beautiful.

[Christina P]

She is.

[Tom Segura]

And I don't care what the black guy says. I think she's the black guy, man.

[Christina P]

She is still beautiful. I'm not saying she's not. I just. I just.

[Tom Segura]

As a black guy, how do you respond? You mean the black guy? The black guy. You know, you guys are known for enjoying a full figured woman. Like, ah, she about 360. That's what I'm talking about. Like, so is that how you feel?

[Christina P]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna throw up. You code switched?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I was trying to make it so he's like, oh, I get It.

[Christina P]

Oh, you were trying to bro with him.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So fun.

[Tom Segura]

Because otherwise he'd have been like. I don't know what he's saying right now, man. So I was just. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Trying to.

[Tom Segura]

I. I can't say it's my, you know, preference, you know, I. Big. But that's what we're talking about. Yeah, but I. You know, it ain't, like my thing.

[Christina P]

But you with Big. Would you. With Nelly at her current.

[Tom Segura]

You know. Yeah. Not saying I wouldn't hit, but. Yeah. I don't know if I could say, like, she like her old self. You know what I'm saying? All right. I don't love this.

[Jordan Jensen]

What? I mean, she's.

[Tom Segura]

Why, dude, she's rad.

[Christina P]

But I whispered it, and she can't hear me.

[Tom Segura]

She can hear it. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Listening.

[Tom Segura]

She has audio equipment.

[Christina P]

I like her. I like her and I want her.

[Tom Segura]

Nelly, I will not stand for this disrespect. I do think you're beautiful.

[Jordan Jensen]

I do, too.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you something, though? But remember Lizzo who was like, I'm fat and I don't care and I love it. Let's look at her now. Oh, Little Ozempies.

[Jordan Jensen]

Lizzo.

[Christina P]

She lost a bunch of weight.

[Jordan Jensen]

Good for her.

[Christina P]

That's what I'm saying. I don't. I don't. I just don't think you can be happy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

When you're that large, you just. It's not happy. I know it. Yeah, I'm. I'm a hefty. I'm. I'm the 145. I'm. I'm dying to get to 145. It's hard, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's tough. Meghan Trainor.

[Tom Segura]

I've been a big fatty my whole life, so I just, you know.

[Christina P]

I know you're not a big fatty.

[Tom Segura]

Sure, I am. Even inside, I still am. I'll never not be a fat guy. You know what I mean? In your heart, for sure. It doesn't matter what the outside is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You'll always be like, oh, yeah, I'm fat. It's okay. No, I learned to accept it with age.

[Christina P]

Just in your mind, you're always like, oh, yeah. You think that way. Like, you're. Yeah, I know. You're saying, yeah, I know. You mean you have your identity.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Your identity is you're fat.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

No, I get it. Like, my identity, I'm always like, oh, like a weird foreigner.

[Tom Segura]

You know, Even though you are a weird foreigner.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's not an idea. You are oh, sorry. If we weren't even born in this country. You're lucky to be here. You should probably get deported.

[Christina P]

I marry an American dummy.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't matter.

[Christina P]

It does.

[Tom Segura]

You were raised by barnyard animals.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I really was. Speaking of. You don't. You're not going to like this. I. I've decided. I've discovered that you can wipe your hands on your pants. Dude, you don't even need napkins because you wash your pants anyway.

[Tom Segura]

No. What is wrong with you?

[Christina P]

No, I started doing it, and now I really like it. You're using your pants, my pants, as napkins. You can do it. I do it all the time. I do it All. All my jeans now are just napkins. Napkin jeans. Napkin pants. Yeah. Especially denim. Denim's perfect for napkin pants.

[Tom Segura]

What's wrong with grabbing a napkin?

[Christina P]

I don't want to. And I'm usually busy with the kids. I'm in the car. I can't fucking do stuff.

[Tom Segura]

You know, that's beyond.

[Christina P]

You've never used your course.

[Tom Segura]

I've. I ever. I'm sure. But, like, in most 99% of situations, I look for some other fabric, not the pants I'm wearing. Right, right, right.

[Christina P]

I just feel like the pants are there. They're meant to be napkins. They're walking napkins.

[Tom Segura]

They're not walking napkins. Napkins are napkins.

[Christina P]

That's where you're wrong, silly.

[Tom Segura]

I will say this.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

There is no napkin that is better than a towel. Towels are the best napkins.

[Christina P]

You're so rich. But then if.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. I'm talking about other people's towels, not ours.

[Christina P]

Like in a hotel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If you're, like, eating and you grab a towel, you're like, oh, this is the best napkin for sure.

[Christina P]

And I've done that.

[Tom Segura]

You get, like, the washcloth size. You're like, oh, this is perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

I thought I was the only one.

[Tom Segura]

That'S ever discovered owls are the best.

[Christina P]

Dowels are the best. Napkins.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Second to jeans.

[Tom Segura]

No. No.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Try it. Just try it out.

[Tom Segura]

The level of disrespect that you're doing to your own self when you do that to denim.

[Christina P]

This is the house of denim.

[Tom Segura]

You need to.

[Jordan Jensen]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to get you back into a program. All right. We'll take a quick break.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

We'll be right back. And we are back and so excited to talk about our. Our guest today has a new special out on Netflix called Take Me with youh has the B&IAN with Jordan podcast and RIP. Jordan Jensen. It's Jordan Jensen, everybody.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thank you for having me.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for being here. It's so exciting. Congratulations on the special.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thanks.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody's excited. I just woke up here, saw it. Yeah, I get it.

[Jordan Jensen]

What's. My pronouns.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

What.

[Tom Segura]

What is your. What are your pronouns?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, I would like it to be something like, you can.

[Tom Segura]

You can make it. That.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, you can.

[Tom Segura]

You can make it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Mapa. Pom pom, pom, pom pom pom's good. I like pom pom. Please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel closer to that than either.

[Christina P]

Where do you live, Mommy?

[Jordan Jensen]

I live in Brooklyn.

[Tom Segura]

Judor. Teddies.

[Christina P]

Jude. Teddy's perfect.

[Jordan Jensen]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right outside of.

[Christina P]

Is that where you're from?

[Tom Segura]

Upstate New York?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm from upstate New York. I'm from Ithaca.

[Christina P]

Ithaca. I've been there.

[Tom Segura]

Ithaca.

[Jordan Jensen]

Of course you've been there. It looks like you were born there.

[Christina P]

I was born there. I live there.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She knows carpentry.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know carpentry, too?

[Christina P]

I don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

When you're talking about us, you're talking about the same person.

[Christina P]

I don't know. Listen, Tom has raved about you for so long, and I'm. I'm so excited to finally meet you today. And he. He's like, she's so funny. You're going to love her.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, is that how I talk?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what you sound like. That's how I know. You sound like.

[Tom Segura]

She's so funny. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Love her.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like you're throwing your own voice into your own mouth.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's crazy. Yes.

[Christina P]

And it's. Listen, my husband is a very harsh critic of.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Christina P]

Yes. I will say, if he thinks you're funny, it means you're funny. So I'm, like, so stoked to finally meet you. And you studied philosophy and you have a small dog with you. These are all things love.

[Tom Segura]

These are things she loves.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I hear you're a little manish, as.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. I am quite manish.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally. I'm.

[Tom Segura]

You're not gay.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not gay.

[Tom Segura]

And that's what I was saying.

[Jordan Jensen]

Have you been gay?

[Christina P]

No, but I did. I. I did spend the 90s in San Francisco for school, and there was a lot of. Bisexuality was cool, so I Frenched. But I, of course, French.

[Jordan Jensen]

We all French. For the sake of the boys, we go. Want to see something cool, boys? See me. Here's me Frenching my friend. Yeah, of course.

[Christina P]

Did you. Have you eaten box? No, I don't like it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I tried.

[Tom Segura]

You did try.

[Jordan Jensen]

I couldn't. I couldn't go mouth to.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, you did try, though.

[Jordan Jensen]

I looked at it.

[Tom Segura]

You looked at it? You didn't give it one? Like, did you give one of these?

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I fingered, but my fingering even was just like this. I couldn't. Oh, I can't. There's something about it. The penis is just like this. It's stupid. It's dumb. I can deal with this object reaching my hand in there.

[Tom Segura]

Who knows?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so scary.

[Christina P]

And also what comes out of the vagina that men don't know about. I heard you have a great joke.

[Jordan Jensen]

About discharge or blood. Yeah, I forget what it is, but.

[Christina P]

Yeah, well, Nana was quoting it because she.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, about discharge, where I'm trying to cover it and I'm pulling down my underwear and then I just say that I throw my under away.

[Tom Segura]

Is this. Is it in the special you talk about? Because I remember we've. We've done dates together, and. And so I've seen, like, obviously bits and pieces of your. Of your actual. About your mom. Like, you.

[Jordan Jensen]

The ripping.

[Tom Segura]

Was it the.

[Jordan Jensen]

The fainting? Vaginal.

[Tom Segura]

It just like, you were. I think it was you telling her about, like, maybe it was like a first period or something, and she was like, just plug it up, go to bed or whatever. Like it was some story about. About.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yes, it was. That was the vaginal tearing thing.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where I. My vagina ripped during sex. And me and this guy kept fainting. And she goes. She said, it's just like the inside of your mouth. It'll heal quick. Which is crazy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I got off stage. I've never. I didn't. That's in the special because.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, because I told that on one of your shows, like, for fun, because there were a bunch of lesbians there. We were in, like, Portland, and my mom was in the audience.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. Portland, Maine.

[Jordan Jensen]

And you were like, you got to put that special.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But because it's dirty.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, you were raised by two lesbian ladies, and I imagine that to be the greatest experience of all time. Was it?

[Jordan Jensen]

The problem is one of them just becomes a dad.

[Christina P]

Tell me everything.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, it's not like two sweet ladies are like, honey, we've both cooked a casserole. It's like one is like, shut the up, Michelle. You know, it's like that. And then you have a dad also because of biology. You must have a dad or A lot of money, and I had a dad, and he was just like, weird uncle. He was just like, uncle guy.

[Christina P]

What was he like?

[Jordan Jensen]

He was like a cool, sex addict, cowboy, pothead, hippie guy. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And what was your relationship?

[Jordan Jensen]

I worked with him. What? Yeah, he was like my boss, and he was. And he. He didn't like me when I was a goth.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's unfortunate. It's the best phase in a girl's best phase.

[Jordan Jensen]

He didn't like the goth phase, so he kind of was like, you did. You're not. You're no son of mine. And then. And then when I lost a bunch of weight and became Norma Girl, I started working for him, and we became, like, buds.

[Christina P]

What did you do for him?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, construction. Yeah.

[Christina P]

You're so gay.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, I know, I know. It's.

[Tom Segura]

Bro, you look great. You've been. You kept up with your training. Yeah, yeah. You look great, man.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm on the can. I'm on the inflammation diet.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, good. You've been training still. You've been right. You're eating right and you're.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I'm eating right, and I'm working out a lot. I'm not boxing as much, but I'm lifting long.

[Christina P]

You're so gay. See, here's the thing we were talking about.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so crazy because it's just. I don't even realize it, and then I hear it and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

But I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics that we are all a little dykey to some regard because we're going against the gender norm in the first place.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right.

[Christina P]

Nobody wants to hear us talk.

[Tom Segura]

Comedy is, like, masculine energy. You know what I mean? Like the. The room you were in last night and, like, you know, I mean, the green room, those dynamics. That's masculine. Like, the hanging out. And it's always like, nice fudgeing shirt, dipshit.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like. It's aggressive kind of masculine energy.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think that. I think this is what happened. I think it's the chicken or the egg. I think it's. I think it's. Before you get into comedy, this happens to you is when women are coming in and being like, oh, my God, let's dress up and do these things. You're a little bit like, what, are you trying to make me into a fucking girl? And you become funny guy, and people go, hey, you're funny. Because you're not doing all the girl stuff. You go, oh, thanks. And then you get into comedy because so many people are being like, you're the funny one, because you're defensive with your. Like, what are you gay? I'm not gonna hang out with you. And that's why I think comics are so just.

[Christina P]

I never liked being girlish. I never. I went to an all girls Catholic high school. We wore uniforms and we were kind of asexualized.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Those really pivotal years where I probably should have been trying to attract boys, it was like. No, just shut it down. Just shut it. Button down uniform.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know, that's hot, though.

[Jordan Jensen]

Button down uniform.

[Christina P]

It's okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

That is hot. You know, I'm gay for Katie Taylor, the boxer.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You like her?

[Jordan Jensen]

She's. Do you know what I'm talking about? The Irish one who fights for the lard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I fight for the lard. Whoa, look at this. I fight for the Lord. Jesus Christ is driving everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Those epic fights against. Was it Serrano? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, yes, that's right.

[Tom Segura]

I love Serrano's. Great. Yeah, those fights were epic, but I.

[Jordan Jensen]

Just want to look like her. When I really think about it, like, the idea of her kissing me is crazy, but I want to look like you can.

[Tom Segura]

You want to look like her?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You sure about that?

[Jordan Jensen]

I know, I know it's up, but I do look at her.

[Tom Segura]

You want to look like somebody that's. That's ready to throw down.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

With a neck that's.

[Jordan Jensen]

Her neck is crazy. Her neck is crazy. Her neck has literally destroyed Serrano's career single handed. Candidly.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I don't want to look like her. I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

No. She's ripped, though.

[Tom Segura]

That's what you want to be. You want to be jacked. Like super jacked.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't want to be gym rat jacked, but I want to be. I want to be your jacked.

[Tom Segura]

My jacked?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. But I don't want to be Rogan jacked.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right, right. Like you want to be like. Oh, I. I have some fitness in my life.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But not.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to be lean jacked.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's cool. I want to. You know what I want to be. I figured it out.

[Tom Segura]

I love being the example. Thanks.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's nice. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, thanks.

[Christina P]

You look for a woman crazy.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have to talk to you about that. This is my number one question I've had. Did it piss you off so much when he got ripped? That would piss me off, so. I don't know. It would annoy me, him just going out in the world. Ripped after being a fat boy. Having him caged up as a fat boy is so sick.

[Christina P]

You think so? Why, why, why is it, what's the thing?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm like a, I'm like a very jealous, crazy person.

[Christina P]

Of course.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. Okay.

[Christina P]

Hello.

[Jordan Jensen]

So him being a fat boy, people are like, oh, yeah. Being the one who's. People are like, why are you with that guy? That's what I like. And then him getting ripped would cut me off.

[Christina P]

So true. Because you're, because, because I was, like, better than him. Right?

[Jordan Jensen]

You're still better than him. Let's be clear. Thank you. So, okay. You talk out of your side of your mouth. It's so. It's the hottest thing ever.

[Christina P]

Thank you.

[Jordan Jensen]

People tell you that? No, but the side of the mouth thing, it's the best, right?

[Tom Segura]

Forever.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the best.

[Christina P]

He never tells me these things. This is why.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, they don't know how to say.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, fix your mouth.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Open the other side.

[Christina P]

He puts me down. Which.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. It feels good. That's good. That's what we like, right?

[Tom Segura]

You guys are just the insane.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I love, I love you so much. Can I tell you what? Okay, true. Listen, the, the one thing that I do get a little annoyed with, and this is all male comics, especially the Austin ones, It's the, you know, the talk about, did you cold plunge, bro?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you're sick.

[Christina P]

You got to get into cold plunge, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

And you're like, I remember when you were tootsie Roll boy. Can you sauna, bro?

[Christina P]

Do you even sauna, bro? What about kettle lifting? And, and hearing them brag about how come I'm not cold plunging because I'm a woman. I don't want to cold plunge. It doesn't excite me. I, I, the pain is in my body already. I've had two children. I don't need to do these things.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's in your heart also, period.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I don't need it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally.

[Christina P]

He needs to hurt himself and that.

[Jordan Jensen]

They love hurting themselves. It makes they're young.

[Christina P]

Is that what that is?

[Jordan Jensen]

I think it is. I think it's a cling. Right.

[Tom Segura]

Don't you think that something, it's something.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where you're like, I'm, yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Why is the suffering. You know what's so funny? So before you got here, any was saying that what makes a man gay is joy and being silly and joyful and enjoying things.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Makes him gay. And I, I think I agree.

[Tom Segura]

When a guy's too happy, you're like, this guy's gay.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Why are you smiling all the time?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

Smiles.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's not fair that you can say the N word like that. It sounds so much better when he does that.

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead. You can say, no, I'm not.

[Christina P]

You're in a safe.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I'm not. Got dragged on the Internet for saying a bad word.

[Tom Segura]

What you say?

[Jordan Jensen]

I was saying it in a good way. I was saying that when people say the word T R, A, N, N, Y. Yeah, that. That is a thing that means to me, it's so antiquated that it sounds like they're just saying drag queen. Like, that's what I think of when people refer. But they clipped it and made it look like I was saying that word. Just throwing it out there and being like. And those people are just in drag. That's what they clipped in. I got dragged in here. Isn't that crazy?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, where did you say it?

[Jordan Jensen]

I said it on Stavi's podcast and Stav's all woke. Ass. Little ass. And he was like, jordan, whoa. And I was like, dude, I get that you were on cometown for years and you have to undo that, but please cut me some slack here. Oh, I do love him, though. People want to take me to be mad at him, but I love him.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's great.

[Christina P]

Wait, so why do you like to the suffering? What is this?

[Jordan Jensen]

I will say I like a cold plunge. I like a cold punch because of the inflammation.

[Christina P]

You know what you are? You're a gender trader.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

You're a gender trader. That should be the name of your next special gender trader.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what I called. I call many people that.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. I call many people that. I call many. I think I called Robbie Hoffman a gender traitor because they were like, I don't care what you identify me as, but you can choose what you want. I'm like, just say woman so that you're a cool woman. We need more cool women.

[Tom Segura]

For years. She is, like, the only fucking American I've met who has, like, doesn't. Still doesn't understand the game of football, right? So whenever I'm watching football, I'm the same way. And there's a sideline reporter that's a woman. She'll be like, look at this gender trader.

[Jordan Jensen]

I get that. I get that.

[Christina P]

I don't like that they're. I don't like that they're with their 10 drills and they're. Well, I'm here on the sidelines and like they know football. I don't.

[Jordan Jensen]

I view a gender trader sometimes is also people who are too feminine and like women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits. I'm like gender traders.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've never heard it that way.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because you have to age. We have to age like Native American chiefs all together. We have to go, 1, 2, 3. No more gooey, gooey gumdrop. And they have to learn. You guys have to learn to fuck our tiny little weird mouths and holes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And so sometimes when people are too feminine. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's true. I know what you're saying. When it's taken to the absurd level, they have to learn to like our, our wrinkled pussies and our wrinkled mouths and you fuck this tiny little hole.

[Jordan Jensen]

I agree with you totally.

[Christina P]

I get it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Totally.

[Christina P]

I'm gonna stop doing all this to my face.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you doing face stuff?

[Christina P]

The fact that you have to ask is really nice.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Christina P]

I had a brow lift.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, I want that.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you don't need it yet. You're years away. You look great. You don't need anything. Yeah. Philzies and Botox.

[Jordan Jensen]

Filzies. Where's the Filzies?

[Christina P]

Lips, cheeksies.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yours doesn't look like it at all. I never would have guessed. That's really good.

[Tom Segura]

That means subtle.

[Christina P]

That means it's subtle.

[Jordan Jensen]

What about the lip flip?

[Christina P]

Not the flip. I will not do this.

[Jordan Jensen]

What's the flip?

[Christina P]

It look crazy hair.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it does.

[Tom Segura]

You know, people have. I don't like of lip filler. And it's only because I have beautiful full lips. Isn't that crazy?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Christina P]

Yeah, especially.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you on? But you're not doing anything. You're just doing peptides and working out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he does.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do people accuse you of us mp?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Jordan Jensen]

That sucks.

[Tom Segura]

But I also tried to like, I did it. I did do a fast. I did a five day fast. And then I, I went from that to shoot a movie and I was trying to tell like, it's like, it's a, it's all circumstances. When you finish a fast, they're like, hey, when you go back to eating, start eating small, right? Like you don't go from not eating to like stuff. And I just so happen to end the fast, start shooting a movie. And in a movie, if you're like in all these scenes, you're always like, yeah, I don't want to eat too much. So I was like eating the way.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, so you kept fasting.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I just start eating like, these, like, regular, like, small portions for six weeks. And then I. I kept losing weight.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you basically fasted. And then you did. See this. This is what I mean. When I did the movie, I was in a movie. I was in a movie. I'll say it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Everybody was. What movie are you in? Bradley Cooper's movie.

[Christina P]

Get the out of here. He's the biggest thing in the world.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. He's very handsome. What?

[Christina P]

It was. Is it out? Is it coming out soon?

[Jordan Jensen]

December 19th.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh. Can we say what it's called?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's called he's so cute. Is this thing on and I'm not allowed to talk about it.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not allowed to talk about anything. He looks so good.

[Christina P]

He's had good work done. Yeah, Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know if he's. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

They really have good work.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. He's got a great work.

[Jordan Jensen]

But on that set, nobody was eating. I ate everything.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you did.

[Jordan Jensen]

They were like, just like. Nobody was eating. Everybody was nibbling. I was like, give me everything.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't eat.

[Christina P]

Oh, this is so cool.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's so excited. Excited. That's gonna be good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Laura Dern's in it.

[Christina P]

Oh, I love Laura.

[Tom Segura]

Look at that.

[Christina P]

Amy Sedaris.

[Jordan Jensen]

She rolls. She rolls.

[Christina P]

Did you get to know her?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

She's obsessed with angels.

[Tom Segura]

Jordan Jensen.

[Christina P]

Where's her picture where she's like, I'm casual.

[Jordan Jensen]

I did not choose that picture.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you didn't choose this one?

[Jordan Jensen]

What is swampy? Who's that? Who? Swan me? I didn't meet her. That's Swami Swampo.

[Christina P]

Intense headshot, too.

[Tom Segura]

Swan me, Sampeo. Oh, she's Brazilian.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yesterday because to celebrate the special, I said that I was gonna have ice cream and I went too hard.

[Tom Segura]

How hard?

[Jordan Jensen]

You go cookie dough in mixed in with the toasted marshmallow ice cream and chocolate fudge.

[Tom Segura]

And both times that I've went to Ian's place to do your guys podcast.

[Jordan Jensen]

You'Ve gone sicko mode.

[Tom Segura]

I've gone sick. I got sick. Yeah, yeah. With that chicken.

[Jordan Jensen]

Chicken sandwich.

[Tom Segura]

God damn it.

[Jordan Jensen]

You loved it, though. It was worth it.

[Tom Segura]

Best, dude. Yeah, the best.

[Jordan Jensen]

Look at this. The honey ass dog. Look at this.

[Christina P]

I love this dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Isn't she the best?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're on camera. She met so many famous people she never even knows. She's playing with Rogan yesterday.

[Tom Segura]

Are you super stoked to have your special out? Like, are you excited?

[Jordan Jensen]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Not at all. Nothing feels Good.

[Tom Segura]

No, bro.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I like. It's a miserable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm so upset about getting dragged on Twitter. I'm so upset about the breakup.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you broke up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Broke up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you didn't say that.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. Dude, you're. Every time I see you, it's either I break. Like, it's on and off.

[Tom Segura]

It's always on, but it's off.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's off and I'm.

[Tom Segura]

How long has it been off now?

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't know. A couple weeks.

[Tom Segura]

Ah, this is the standard.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, but it sucks, dude. I thought I would be, like, glowing and. I mean, the ice cream helped.

[Tom Segura]

The ice cream's great.

[Jordan Jensen]

But no, I'm sleepy.

[Christina P]

I have a question.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Christina P]

But when you break up, can you have sex with new people? That seems.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't have sex. I don't sex. I don't sex with the people. I can't do it. I can't get myself out of bro mode. Into sex mode.

[Christina P]

Wow. We need to chat.

[Jordan Jensen]

What? You. You be sex and. Well, you'd like to.

[Christina P]

I'm like, perimenopause.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm so much.

[Christina P]

That's what alcohol. Just drink.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but I'm on some guy on the streets, you know.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, but then you fuck them. Here's what happens. You go, I got to get over this. And you fuck somebody. And then you wake. You come to halfway through, not like out of a blackout, but just in lucidity, and you realize there's some pig on you, humping you, and you go, who is this for? Who is this for me? Because I'm not gonna come.

[Christina P]

That's true.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure. Yeah. And we want you to come, dude. That's one of the big things we were talking about. I hope Jordan comes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. And it's like. Then you just realize you're.

[Tom Segura]

You know what the problem is, dude? You're just. No, you're just not meeting the right guys. I feel like we could just introduce you to some guys and then maybe you would change your mind.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cold plunge, guys.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. What do.

[Christina P]

You did. But that's kind of. That's the guy you should be. Hold on. Is that even though the cold punch talk annoys me and the VR talk. Yeah, you know, like that stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Are you a VR guy Down.

[Christina P]

Yes. Fighting in wars in Fallujah, babe.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I haven't even. No, they gave me one for Christmas two years ago. I haven't even seen that. Well, yeah, I was not going to leave my guys behind.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, okay. I get that.

[Tom Segura]

So. But, yeah, I was on ships and, like, it was crazy.

[Christina P]

But you do want to have relationships and sex with alpha guys like that. Like, is this guy, like, kind of like a beta guy?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what the she's talking about.

[Christina P]

You're like.

[Jordan Jensen]

You are.

[Christina P]

You're soft alpha. You're not, like, a jerk alpha.

[Jordan Jensen]

You are a soft alpha.

[Tom Segura]

He is.

[Christina P]

He is a soft alpha.

[Jordan Jensen]

You are soft alpha.

[Tom Segura]

What does that even mean?

[Christina P]

It's. It means that you're dominant.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But you're not a douchebag.

[Tom Segura]

Okay?

[Christina P]

You're masculine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You stand up. You'll stand up if somebody does something wrong to you. You'll be like, don't do that.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right? Won't you say. You will say, I'm an alpha. I'm a strong man.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely not doing that. You're not gonna drag me on that. All right, let me. Let me just, like. Let's get you some men to consider. Okay?

[Jordan Jensen]

All right. They have to be, like, borderline. They have to be, like, pretty, like, Irish Catholic. Okay. Pretty shut down emotion.

[Tom Segura]

All right, I got a few for you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Look at the screen. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. No. Excuse me. Can I talk to you, please? Girl, life feels like hell without a girlfriend, someone to talk to.

[Christina P]

Always think about to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me.

[Jordan Jensen]

This guy needs a green card so bad. Enjoy the best. Forever young years together.

[Christina P]

Forever young adventures.

[Jordan Jensen]

Drink.

[Christina P]

Have passionate hardcore sex every day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude, Hardcore. I'm trying to sweat, girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to lose some face fat. I think he has a mixture of lyrics he's reading from.

[Christina P]

There's nothing wrong with being horny, girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's part of life.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's different.

[Jordan Jensen]

I get horny fast, girl. What? I got a thick and. And pink dick.

[Tom Segura]

It gets hard.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thick and pink. I want you to jack it off, baby.

[Christina P]

And kiss my neck area, girl. And I'll kiss your neck area, too, girl.

[Jordan Jensen]

And play with your hair, girl. Whoa, whoa.

[Christina P]

My hands on your thighs, baby.

[Jordan Jensen]

And rub it up and down. Here's the deal. If that's a bit. He's my husband.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a bit.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I know exactly if it was. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Incredible.

[Tom Segura]

It's incredible.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like the guy who does. You've seen the guy who puts his bare feet up behind him and he goes, hello, princess. This. That guy is doing a bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You love it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'd marry him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Because he's able to do that. He was able to do real.

[Christina P]

He's he's around, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

That guy is reading R B lyrics. He's just listening to rap in his weird car, buying whatever. Mercedes, jewelry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And just trying to get a wife so he can stay in America so he can keep his bodega open.

[Tom Segura]

Do you like Persian guys? Because that's. I think what this is.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Is Glendale, Gary.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, I like the rugs they make, but that's about it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, all right, well, let's. Let's. Let's pivot.

[Jordan Jensen]

My vagina is pretty racist.

[Tom Segura]

Is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not. I love all people, but my vagina likes.

[Tom Segura]

Well, Irish Catholic. Anything else?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's pretty much all I've ever done.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, it's really bad.

[Tom Segura]

That's it.

[Christina P]

Really? You've only done.

[Tom Segura]

Never sampled another flavor.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've sampled, I've sampled. But in relationships it's always Irish Catholic. Raised to keep their feelings inside you like that, and they cry single tears.

[Christina P]

Hold on. You were raised by two women? Wasn't like feelings talk a big thing amongst the three of you?

[Jordan Jensen]

It was, my mom is a dad and my dad is a dad, and you know what I mean? So it was two dads, basically, because one's a bulldike, right. And one's a man. And then the mothers were disrespected. The other mother was like, she's emotional. And I'd be like, yeah, she's a fucking dumb dyke. You know? So I was taught to not respect the emotions because my mom was the swaggy one. My mom was cool as hell.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

My mom met Tom and like, blew him off like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she was awesome.

[Jordan Jensen]

She was like talking. She was like talking about something and he comes over and I'm like, oh, my God, mom is going to get all Twitter paired cuz she loves you. And she came over and she's like, yeah. And then the. The Iran conflict over here. Listen to me. I was like, she didn't piv. She wasn't at all like, oh, Tom, hello. She just kept ranting.

[Tom Segura]

She was great. She was great.

[Jordan Jensen]

She's great.

[Tom Segura]

All right, how about this guy? This is a different guy. Okay, I've been on here.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've been polite.

[Tom Segura]

I've been honest and sincere. Yeah. I like to have some right on my lips.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would like to have some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex. I like this man.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like to have a beautiful woman in my home.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

In my home.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I make a love to you.

[Jordan Jensen]

Look at the screen on his Computer is a woman.

[Tom Segura]

It's Rachel Mad boys.

[Christina P]

He likes Rachel Progressive.

[Jordan Jensen]

Get theirselves off.

[Tom Segura]

And then oops. They don't care about their partner. Oh, I'll make you come. See I last lady 10, 15 times before I even went boom once.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, maybe I am gay. Dude, this is pulling me in the opposite direction. Really brutal.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, really. Just the idea that this is the inner monologue of most men.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Just a quiet old man going, I want nookie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want kitties on my titties, on my face and on my willies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Is really like. That's just behind all of your cold plunging is just a creepy guy in glasses going, I want to put it.

[Tom Segura]

That's in every man's.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. Yeah, I can see that. I can see the way the fish.

[Tom Segura]

Eyes I would like to have.

[Christina P]

And also, I don't like his gross exaggeration that I just picked up on. And we watched him.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He goes, oh, I made her come 15.

[Jordan Jensen]

We can't even do that. We can't even do that. Yes. Honestly, we can't.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen it. So you've seen it in a porn.

[Jordan Jensen]

Where she said, watch me come 15 times.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, you 15 guys, you're gonna make me come?

[Jordan Jensen]

Every one of you? Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. So that guy you're passing on.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's kind of a bummer.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I thought I'll make this briefman. I'm looking for girls for. I'd love to eat. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. You know that he looks a little Irish.

[Tom Segura]

If you're in a fat guys, you're looking for some action. You live in Missouri. Please, please call me, please at 15 7. Oh, text me at 16 3.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like the way he's talking with his mouth like this.

[Tom Segura]

I built a sex swing time machine out of beef jerky.

[Jordan Jensen]

See, I want a girl sex swing.

[Tom Segura]

Text me at 160.

[Jordan Jensen]

Time machine out of beach jerky. Name's John.

[Tom Segura]

Call me John at 1:5. Bye.

[Jordan Jensen]

John's kind of close to what I'm into.

[Tom Segura]

Do you like ambitious men?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You do sex swing out of jerky?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's pretty impressive. But like a guy that really has, like, you know, like high aspirations. Like this other guy. Hello, my name is Matthew Garapic and I'm a candidate for President in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds.

[Jordan Jensen]

Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

Primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. So far, dude, if you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies that will be my first lady when I run For President in 2032, please email an application of some photos and where you're from to garet2032 first lady gmail.com. i'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit. I like, remember, in 2032, vote for Matthew.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like this because he's. He's setting his boundaries. He knows what he wants.

[Tom Segura]

He does know what he wants.

[Jordan Jensen]

One. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we already have a. We have a. A profile for you that we're going to email in.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, if you sign off on it. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, great.

[Tom Segura]

We got photos. We got like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Just to see if I'm on Raya.

[Jordan Jensen]

You are nightmare.

[Tom Segura]

Is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Tell us about it.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. I'll show. Oh, I can't show. You're.

[Christina P]

You're doing this too.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know you are. Gender trader. I know.

[Christina P]

Such a.

[Tom Segura]

Wait a minute. Tell us about Raya.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. Dude, who would ever want to date a guy with a headshot? You know what I mean? It's brutal. And he has to have one.

[Tom Segura]

He does a headshot. Yeah, yeah. From doing.

[Jordan Jensen]

But these are guys, like, with photography photos that are not even actors. Oh, yeah. Oh.

[Christina P]

Oh. I thought they were hat. They had to be actors.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're like, can I show?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

I thought they had to be show business people.

[Tom Segura]

We just won't. We won't put them on blast, but we'll look.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're like. I think they can't be on blast because they're. Nate.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you know what I mean? We're not gonna show the camera, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, oh, it won't load because there's no service in here. But they're like, they're. They're too. They're beautiful and they know they're beautiful. And the photos that have been taken of them are to show that they're beautiful.

[Christina P]

This I don't like. I don't like it. When a man knows he's attractive. That's the most unattractive quality.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's brutal. Hinge is great. For me, it's just a bunch of dirt bags, but I can't be on hinge.

[Tom Segura]

Now, wait a minute. You just got through telling us, though, that, like, I don't want just to, like, meet somebody and bang them. Right. So are you. Are you saying you're using these for the potential of a long term relationship?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You Are. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But you're just gonna. You're just gonna reconnect with your.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you are.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm not. That's the last time.

[Tom Segura]

That is not the last time.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's the last time.

[Tom Segura]

How many times is it?

[Jordan Jensen]

What about this?

[Tom Segura]

How many times?

[Jordan Jensen]

What about this? Mind or so? Really, It's a lot, you guys. I totally lost count. Yeah, it's a lot. What if I give you something? If I do, like I have to. Yeah. Can we do something like that? That would actually help me.

[Tom Segura]

All right, Coyote.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. Dude, this is up. One time, I lost her in the woods, and I told my dead dad that if he returned her, I would never talk to him again.

[Christina P]

Oh, you're dead.

[Jordan Jensen]

But she was returned. But then I talked to him again.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, she's going Chinese.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love when she goes Chinese.

[Tom Segura]

Man, that's also gonna get you dragged.

[Jordan Jensen]

What? She's going Miyazaki. No. What's the guy's name from Karate Kid?

[Christina P]

Miyagi.

[Jordan Jensen]

Miyagi. This is Miyagi doggy.

[Christina P]

Miyagi doggy. May I ask you why.

[Jordan Jensen]

What.

[Christina P]

What causes. If you can give me broad strokes.

[Jordan Jensen]

What.

[Christina P]

What causes the breakups? If. If it's a repetitive avoidant.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's just. Avoidant. It's just. We just get to a certain place, and he goes, nope, too much. And then it gets too.

[Christina P]

Too emotionally close. You guys are too close. He gets scared.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's like everything's fine. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, hey, I. I could. I. I. There's a need that I have. And he goes, this is a little bit too much for me. And I go, well, this is. Is a relationship. And he goes, well, I don't even know if I want a relationship, but I was like, well, we're in a relationship. And then it gets. It's just an avoidant. He's just a. And I'm anxious.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

So the more he pulls away, instead of being like, you take your space. I'll talk to you a few days. I go, is everything okay? And he goes, I need. You know, it's the classic. It's a woman, and it's addicting, and it resets. And then it resets.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So next week, when you guys are together again. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have to get. We. We need to do, like, a deal.

[Tom Segura]

What's our deal gonna be?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like a thousand dollars or something?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. You make too much. I already know it's nothing to you.

[Jordan Jensen]

The dog is good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

What about you give me something if I make it a year.

[Tom Segura]

A year?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do I give you?

[Jordan Jensen]

Something good.

[Tom Segura]

Something good? Sure.

[Jordan Jensen]

What do you got? You got something, huh? You got something good?

[Tom Segura]

I got some good stuff.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm trying to think of watch I want to watch. You want, like, a fucking drill bit? Yeah. So how about I buy you a crazy tool set?

[Jordan Jensen]

That would be pretty good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. Just. How about even if you just say there'll be a prize if I make it a year, there'll be a prize. That'll help.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. Do you really want to watch?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I could see you rocking a cool watch.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I'd love when you have watches. I just don't. I don't know what watch to get. I got one was stupid. What'd you get one from Psycho.

[Tom Segura]

Seiko.

[Jordan Jensen]

Seiko.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I like it.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what? Do you like a metal bracelet or do you like a leather or rubber strap?

[Jordan Jensen]

Metal.

[Tom Segura]

You like metal?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I know what you should get.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We'll talk about it off air.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. So you'll get me that.

[Tom Segura]

I'm poor, so. Yeah, we'll talk about it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay, great.

[Christina P]

Are you into carpentry?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

You really are.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I did it for so long that now I'm not. I did it as a job so much that now when people are like, help me build it. I'm like, yourself.

[Christina P]

You can legit build things, like bookshelves and stuff?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're not great. They're not, like, ornate, you know. They're not like that. But I can build you a bookshelf.

[Tom Segura]

We're looking for a year. You're gonna take a year off?

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude, if there's.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. You gotta say it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I will. I will go a year. If you. If there's a prize.

[Tom Segura]

There's a prize. There's a good price.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Substantial.

[Jordan Jensen]

Do you think a year is too long? Should we set it?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you like the year?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let's not reduce the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay. What's the date? September 9th. My special came out. That's how I remember.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so you're telling me we're looking at next fall?

[Jordan Jensen]

I. If I keep doing this, I will die.

[Tom Segura]

I know you.

[Jordan Jensen]

You saw me. We were off stage. I'm in his little baby bed. What was that thing called? The coffin in the tour. What's that thing called where we sleep in the tour bus?

[Tom Segura]

Tour. Oh, just crying in the tour bus. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Crying in the tour bus. Your. Your little cute video editor, Gar. Find me in the Green room. I'm about to do a arena with Tom Segura. Best day ever yesterday. Best day ever. Dealing with X. It's crazy. It's gotta stop.

[Christina P]

It's gotta.

[Jordan Jensen]

It only leads to bad things. It makes me miserable. It's very. He's my best friend. I love him so much. But as a relationship, it does not work. He rules. He's so funny. I would never say any negative things about him. But we are. We are fire and water. We are oil. And what if in this.

[Christina P]

Whatever the things are bad in this one year you could meet somebody who was emotionally available to you?

[Jordan Jensen]

Like, because I need like a year, I think, to just be Jordan, because I've been spending my whole life chasing boys, you know?

[Christina P]

I know.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy. It's too long.

[Christina P]

It's like. Well, I was like, I always tell ladies, not Tom.

[Jordan Jensen]

So just don't listen, okay?

[Christina P]

Like, when he drops dead, I'm not even gonna.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You use his money to do fun things.

[Christina P]

Well, yeah, but like, I don't know who these. These. I see these women on Instagram that are my age and they're like newly divorced and their. Are on fire and they have got multiple kids and they're like, I'm out dating and having sex. It's like, why do you want to ev. Aren't you done?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You've already had the kids. You're. You're in menopause.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

When are you gonna just shut it down?

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy.

[Christina P]

Just stop.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's cuz they're stunted emotionally. I think. Like, my mom is like, I'm never again. That's. That's crazy. I have two pit bulls to snuggle with me at night. I'm good. And that's nice.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's where I wanted.

[Tom Segura]

You had a mohawk.

[Jordan Jensen]

I. My best friend growing up had a mohawk and I just had the short hair. Green hair.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

But I never did a full mohawk.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like.

[Jordan Jensen]

I mean, I gelled.

[Tom Segura]

That's something you should do at some point.

[Jordan Jensen]

At some point.

[Christina P]

Maybe you should do it this year.

[Jordan Jensen]

My hair is like, the only thing I have is. This is my lustrous hair.

[Tom Segura]

You have great hair.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's really.

[Christina P]

You've got great tattoos, great arms.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're.

[Christina P]

You're very good shape.

[Jordan Jensen]

This Chinese dog.

[Christina P]

Chinese dog.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. No, I want to spend a year just being. Yeah, that's her. That's her barking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, that is her.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's how she barks. She goes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She loves It.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm really excited for my watch in a year.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Year passes fast in comedy. It does fast.

[Tom Segura]

I already have it picked out for you, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I'm super excited.

[Jordan Jensen]

If we stay broken up. No, like getting back together, but then breaking up.

[Tom Segura]

You have to be honest about it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I will, I will.

[Christina P]

What about sexes? If they make sex.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Jordan Jensen]

If we make sex, they make sex.

[Christina P]

Consider getting back together.

[Jordan Jensen]

I don't do.

[Christina P]

You gotta define.

[Jordan Jensen]

I do either. We're getting back together. We're not. You're not gonna have sex with me.

[Christina P]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I believe her. I believe her. And she probably will be thrilled with her new boyfriend. Hey, how y' all doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm feeling it. Look at you. Y' all miss that ball, huh?

[Jordan Jensen]

I feel like I know this guy.

[Tom Segura]

I'm coming at your feet. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I feel like this guy works at the comedy.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't matter if you got a big.

[Christina P]

Of course he does.

[Jordan Jensen]

Flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty.

[Tom Segura]

And look, I want to lick them draws.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like drawers. Saying drawers instead of. I love that women.

[Tom Segura]

I don't give a damn where you from. Let me put my tongue in your ass.

[Jordan Jensen]

Using every other word to describe body parts.

[Tom Segura]

And then saying.

[Jordan Jensen]

I want to stick my ear down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, look, I want to dig in your booty.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

So that could he. I know personally.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I could actually link you up.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know that guy?

[Tom Segura]

I do. I went to visit him. For real.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And he's. He's really nice guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

He looks really nice. He wants to stick the tongue in that ass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he'll put ice cream in it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Corn chips.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's nice.

[Christina P]

At the same time, can we show her, like some fun tiktoks or something else? I. I don't know.

[Jordan Jensen]

You need to be cleansed.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It feels so dirty.

[Jordan Jensen]

Look at the princess guy. How do we look that guy up?

[Tom Segura]

The princess guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hello, princess. Have you looked that guy up? You'll love him.

[Tom Segura]

Can you find him?

[Jordan Jensen]

Hello, princess.

[Tom Segura]

Hello.

[Jordan Jensen]

Cringe princess.

[Christina P]

Hello, princess.

[Jordan Jensen]

I can't believe you guys. There he is. Oh, you guys are amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, princess, you're walking mighty fine occasion. Do you like to just give daddy random erections? The case.

[Jordan Jensen]

Clapping the feet. I can tell this guy. I can tell him off camera. It rules.

[Christina P]

Why don't you date this guy?

[Jordan Jensen]

They will. I think he's good. Oh, my God. He's so good at being awful.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's so good.

[Tom Segura]

That is a skill.

[Christina P]

That is Good. The feet.

[Jordan Jensen]

The feet.

[Tom Segura]

He does it in every video.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what he does, that character. But I found one that's just him being normal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And it's not that guy. Guy.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it's a feet.

[Tom Segura]

How about this guy?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's so brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

Americans. I do a lot of hard work out.

[Jordan Jensen]

This has nothing to do with the.

[Christina P]

Best chicks I ever had in my.

[Tom Segura]

Life hanging out with me. And we were never boyfriend and girlfriend on a chariot like that. We were partners.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

I took it an hour at a time is what I told her. Go an hour at a time. So what I'm looking for now. Oh, my God, it's like 100 to 110 pounds.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Real beautiful tiny ass with almost deformed looking big boobs.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, you and every other man alive.

[Tom Segura]

I'm more of an ass ass man. I went to the little ass.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, he's the man.

[Jordan Jensen]

So scary pieces on a white chariot.

[Tom Segura]

Or so I imagine. Anyways, that's what I'm looking for.

[Jordan Jensen]

This is up.

[Tom Segura]

This guy's rad. I seem to never can find it. He's a pretty aggressive guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's so up, you know, that's crazy that, that. How do you feel that guy being a part of your gender? I feel great that I. We don't have. We have some scary girls. We have some scary girls, but they're not.

[Christina P]

I feel like there's so many more cool guys than there are cool girls. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's more of these dirt bags on the Internet. It's rare when we find a woman.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's a special occasion.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

Do you. How do you feel that the majority of your representatives are just bad?

[Tom Segura]

It's a total acceptance. You know, it's just like one of those things where you go, like, I get it. You know, like dogs bark. You know what I mean? Like, you just go like, yeah, we're filled.

[Jordan Jensen]

You're so much closer to chimpanzees than us.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You really are closer.

[Tom Segura]

And guys are, you know, we're. We are what ruins life. Like, we're the provokers. We're violent.

[Christina P]

Or kill stuff and kill.

[Jordan Jensen]

When people say female relationships, every comic does this. They'll be like, females are so much more catty in their relationships. And I'm like, there might be inter turmoil, but we solve it quickly and then are closer than ever. Whereas you guys just stab each other to death. Oh, yeah, it's over. Yeah. We get in the girl's bathroom, we go, what the did you say to me when he said that thing they better say. And we go, you're a. She's a. And then we deal with it on coke later. Yeah, but you guys, it's just a shank. Silent. And it's over. And then that's worse to me.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It gets mistaken.

[Tom Segura]

Guys also, I feel like. Like women who have arguments with other women. See, I don't think a lot of times it's over. They go like, she's a. Oh, we.

[Jordan Jensen]

Tell everybody about it.

[Tom Segura]

But also, like, I hate her forever. Whereas guys sometimes, like the battle Baba. Sometimes there's a punch thrown, Something physical. And then they're like, it's all good. We're good.

[Christina P]

You know, he's right about that. I think they accept each other as they are more than women do because they'll be friends with people that suck as people. And they're like, yeah, that's just what that guy is. That's like, who that guy is. But whereas women, I wouldn't be friends with a piece of. You know what I mean? Guys are more willing to be friends with pieces of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's true.

[Christina P]

Because they're like, whatever.

[Tom Segura]

And then you just know that's a guy for this space. In other words, there's guys that I'm friends with who I would never have at my house.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I'm like, yeah, you can't bring that guy to the house.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Out of his mind.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, totally.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm still like, oh, that's a good friend of mine.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That kind of.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, that guy's totally not someone to bring.

[Jordan Jensen]

We have friends like that, though. We have friends who are like, oh, she's a complete sociopath. Soul sucker. But true. We are getting our nails done together.

[Christina P]

Yeah, true. Compartment.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Maybe Compartmentalize. We all do.

[Christina P]

But they're not even close circle. They're not in my close. No.

[Tom Segura]

You said you wanted an alpha male, right? Check out how this guy handles situations.

[Jordan Jensen]

This man's social skills.

[Tom Segura]

Greyhound is about that of about a. Where the Greyhound bus is. And he was.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love him so much. That's my husband.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I think that guy be great.

[Tom Segura]

Stepped up on me. Americans. Like, he was. Was gonna hit me because I asked him some questions. Take a look at him. Oh, here he comes again. Step away from me.

[Jordan Jensen]

Sounds like Chris Farley.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he does. Yeah. It's just meth.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like that. I like when people get mad in Public.

[Tom Segura]

Me too. It's one of my favorite lanes.

[Jordan Jensen]

The best.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I get mad in public a lot, and I like when people will back me up on it.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of nice.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All right. You want to show what her. What you've curated, please. So are you on Tik Tok, guys?

[Jordan Jensen]

I have somebody who posts on Tik.

[Tom Segura]

Tok, but if you've ever, like, kind of spent time looking around, you know, your algorithm gets built by what you like and look for.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so a lot of people's. It's kind of nice. It's like, oh, here's some kids putting together a dance routine to this pop hit.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And then Christina has a different mind.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So he doesn't understand. And you understand this because you studied philosophy. I like to identify and highlight the marginalized communities.

[Jordan Jensen]

That makes sense.

[Christina P]

Are not normally represented in everyday culture. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

You like to find the underbelly.

[Christina P]

Thank you. The outliers.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Christina P]

If you will.

[Jordan Jensen]

That makes sense. The people who are gonna.

[Tom Segura]

All right, here you go. We're see some outliers.

[Jordan Jensen]

Today. Being leading a full life. Retarded people go to work or school.

[Tom Segura]

Just like the neighbors.

[Christina P]

It's kind of an old school banger.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A supervised home right in the neighborhood.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Being retired had never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor.

[Christina P]

Don't you miss the days when people were more integrated into society like this?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, I do. When they had whole houses to themselves.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

We had a house on our block.

[Tom Segura]

You did.

[Jordan Jensen]

Full of retards walk by every day. They'd be like. And you'd be like. And. Yeah, they'd let them out for walks and stuff. It was awesome.

[Christina P]

That's awesome. But where are they? Where are the retarded people now? I feel like they're hitting.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think they're doing open mics. They're doing a lot of comedy. They're at that mothership. Yeah, totally.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's definitely some retarded people. Some of them are doing very well.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, they're doing really, really well.

[Tom Segura]

That guy sold out the weekend. That's crazy.

[Christina P]

Totally good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Hi.

[Tom Segura]

You all know who I am. It's Friday afternoon here. You all know Friday night. I know Saturday morning or Saturday afternoon even. So. Yeah, we understand. Good weekend, everyone. Bye for now.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have seen that guy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I love that he just explained how there's time zones. Like, sometimes it's Friday here.

[Jordan Jensen]

And he got off. He. He hit it. And then it said, do you want to, like, clip it up a little bit? Maybe add a caption he goes, yeah, of course. And then he uploaded it, waited while Tick Tock was open for it to upload, and did that.

[Tom Segura]

It's perfect.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's good.

[Tom Segura]

This is what I wanted.

[Jordan Jensen]

Crazy.

[Christina P]

But also, like, I just think it's so annoying to, like, who are you to tell me to have a good weekend? Like, you're telling me. Well, I don't need it from you.

[Jordan Jensen]

To have a good week.

[Christina P]

Have a good weekend. Like, who the fuck are you?

[Jordan Jensen]

I hate that.

[Christina P]

Don't tell me to have.

[Jordan Jensen]

I do hate that.

[Tom Segura]

But I know you love when somebody goes, hey, how come you're not smiling?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's the best. I love that. And I don't get mad at all. I don't yell things. I don't yell. I don't go. I don't. Well, who the Are you? What are you, my dad? Even. My dad wouldn't even say that. What are you? The smile. I hate that so much. This guy the other day, he goes. He goes, what's up, baby? And I went like this. And he goes, don't look so mad. And I was like, then don't say dumb. And my friend was like, jordan, stop. That's like a massive. Man. I get so mad, dude. Yeah, I get so mad.

[Tom Segura]

Some.

[Jordan Jensen]

Boom.

[Tom Segura]

Forget, though, that big crazy guys will sometimes act out, you know?

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Happens a lot.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've had many friends be like, you have no idea if that guy has a gun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

I've gotten spit on. That was when I learned my lesson.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, where did you get spit on?

[Jordan Jensen]

I was. There was somebody in a car that, like, laid there the other day. I. Like, three days ago, I uppercut a guy's mirror. But then, you know, it sucked. It just did the, like. Yeah, really? It just went.

[Tom Segura]

Why did you uppercut his mirror?

[Jordan Jensen]

Because we were. It was in Manhattan. We're walking through a fucking crosswalk. All these people have. Sometimes you make the decision, like, hey, there's a lot of people, and we're just gonna push.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And he just started rolling forward into my body. So I just stood in front of his car, and he kept rolling forward. So then I went around and just punched his mirror, thinking I would break it, forgetting that they go in. And then it. I punched it. It went in. So then I punched it a few more times. Still didn't break. Was like, well, I'm gonna walk away. Walked away. Went and sat down because I was shaking. Old couple comes up to me and they're like, hey, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, that Was embarrassing. I'm really upset that all of Manhattan just saw me do that. And they're like, we're on your side. That was. He was crazy. And I was like, thank you. Yeah, it was so sweet.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, wait, when did you get spit on? That's a different time.

[Jordan Jensen]

The spitting was. I was this. I mean, it happens all the time. But I was. There was somebody. Oh, I was on a bike and somebody was. Maybe it was the motorcycle. Bike or motorcycle. And some guy was in my way or. No, he was pulling into the bike lane. Like he was weaving into the bike lane and his window was down. And I was like, what are you a fucking piece of shit? Like something like that. And he just. And I was like, fuck. And I got to my friend Chloe's house and was like, I have to shower for 11 years right now.

[Christina P]

I think that. But see, what you're describing too, is New York City crazy. Which really is a specific like brand and flavor.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, he.

[Tom Segura]

Everywhere but LA, you don't get everywhere.

[Christina P]

LA's got car to car rage. You will you. And then you'll. You guys will.

[Jordan Jensen]

Like.

[Christina P]

I angled off once, like to get into a lane with a guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, that's good.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but it's like physical stuff doesn't happen as much, right? In la, would you argue New York.

[Tom Segura]

Because you're outside in la, you are not in touch physically with as many people.

[Jordan Jensen]

That annoys me so much.

[Tom Segura]

In New York you are, you are with.

[Jordan Jensen]

I just was in la and they lay on the horn, hit screen. I'm driving a stick shift. Okay, I get that I said motorcycle and stick shift in a lot in one sentence. Okay. But I. So I have to put it in gear to go. Every time I put it in gear, there's the person, some behind me with a giant Stanley cup and keychains on her thing. And I'm like, if you're in New York, you get shot right now. You would never be able to lay on a horn that long. Laying on a horn like that is gang.

[Tom Segura]

People are very, very. Yeah. Open with the horn.

[Jordan Jensen]

So then I would, every time I would just sit at the light if they lay on the horn. And I was.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, you know, one time I was in the Valley and I was at the. I was at the left hand turning lane, right?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like you're going to turn left at a light.

[Jordan Jensen]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

The. The car in front of me has a overweight man in a convertible.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

And then there's a car in front of him that, that's in the intersection you follow?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The. The convertible. Big guy lays on the horn.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. The car that's in front makes the turn, then the big guy, then me. The car that's in the very front kind of lingers. And the big guy in the convertible turns into the bank. And then I watch the guy that was in front go around. And I was going to the bank, so I pull into the bank. So I'm. Now I'm seeing this whole thing unfold.

[Jordan Jensen]

What happened? Slapping.

[Tom Segura]

The guy that got honked at steps out of his car. He's like six, four.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Black dude.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Sunglasses.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

He's got a chick in the passenger.

[Jordan Jensen]

Love this.

[Tom Segura]

He just walks over to the guy in the. The fat guy in the Miata.

[Jordan Jensen]

Fat guy in the little coat? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, who the. You honking at you fat?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes, yes.

[Tom Segura]

And the guy just sat there, was like, yes. Just like, yes. And then I was like, this dude, like, you just feel like you're about to watch a beat down or something. He goes, just stay miserable, you fat.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yes, dude.

[Tom Segura]

And then he just got in his car, drove. And I just. That guy was just like. He just sat there for a minute and I was like, I gotta go make a deposit.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's so sick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. But I watched the whole thing unfold.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love that that woman sucked the shit out of his cock later.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You think she's like, it's always scary when you do that, when you pull into places and threaten people.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's. Yeah, you're right. She was probably like. No, no, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

It's more about what you. What you think.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think a lot of women would.

[Jordan Jensen]

Be like, this was terrifying, but not the peaceful protest I really like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Stay miserable is so sick.

[Tom Segura]

I remember he said it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

And he said he enjoyed like something like, you stay in your miserable fat life. You know, I like that.

[Christina P]

I respect.

[Jordan Jensen]

I like that a lot. I like words.

[Christina P]

I do. Like, I'd rather be words.

[Jordan Jensen]

A harsh word. And I yelled out big words, which I would never say. Yes, in a minute. It is. But that's what happened.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's a video of me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That's me on stage getting dragged because an intrusive thought took over. Yeah, I totally get what that woman's just say.

[Tom Segura]

She said I would never say something. She said it. It perfectly.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Again, slang iteration of it. You know, like, I wonder what this.

[Christina P]

Is in relation to.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love that.

[Christina P]

I gotta know this back.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know that feeling so well, where you just blurt something out and you're.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no, she was at freak fest. She didn't know it was happening that week. And she was like, oh, this sucks. They took over the hotel. And that's what. She got mad.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love how that's what happened. About.

[Christina P]

Can we see it again?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P]

It's so surprised.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I yelled out, which I would never say. That's awesome. That's what happened. I love the defeated. That's what happened. She can't defend herself. I know about that. I say all the time just because my brain is like, what have you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're a comedian. That's what happens.

[Jordan Jensen]

Dude. It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It's impulse control. And then here's the thing. You don't. You. You. When they go. Somebody goes. Why would you say that? They don't realize that it's currency. In other words, sometimes when you say the impulsive, totally wrong thing, it's so funny.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that you go, oh, sometimes I should just let this thing fly. Right. And then you go, oh, I guess not. All the time.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then you feel ashamed when it. And words ain't.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

When you say the wrong thing and then you're like.

[Tom Segura]

And then you do a documentary about it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There was one time.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's amazing. And also, whenever this was filmed. Why was she saying that? In relation to.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I got. Not knowing the story is.

[Christina P]

Can you guys look up the backstory?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Was it a carnival cruise? Why did she do this?

[Christina P]

And she.

[Jordan Jensen]

How did she know to put those words together?

[Christina P]

That's my question.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's not an old person expression.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, not at all.

[Christina P]

Are you sure it's ain't or eat.

[Tom Segura]

No. Ain't.

[Christina P]

You think she knew the phrasing? That's what I'm saying.

[Jordan Jensen]

This looks.

[Tom Segura]

She just said it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I know. It's old. It's like. I don't even think she was listening to those. The rap music that taught it to her.

[Christina P]

No, I don't. I don't. Maybe we're hearing it wrong.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's possible that it's dubbed over.

[Christina P]

Is it AI. Is it dubbed?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, it could be dubbed.

[Tom Segura]

I heard it just fine. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Maybe just one more time.

[Christina P]

What did you hear, Annie?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, she said it. She. She said ain't. And it's definitely from rap. What is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Can I just. I think it's from rap.

[Tom Segura]

Do you. Can I ask you this? What do you think the story is for her? Like, what what is your imagination of what the context of the story might be? She was angry at black people.

[Jordan Jensen]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

Being loud. Loud somewhere.

[Jordan Jensen]

Why would you say ain't?

[Tom Segura]

But ain't is like she was trying to think. I think that she wanted to say something that was reasonable, that wasn't super racist. Okay. She's like, what do they say? You know? Oh, yeah, yeah. On the radio. You think she was like, do you think the stories. Maybe she was like. Like, I was at Applebee's. I was trying to get my meal, and then this group of them were being very distracting, and I was like. And then they called me a. And then I was like, y' all ain't like something like that.

[Christina P]

Black people don't like Applebee.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I'm seeing? It's Outback Steakhouse.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, you know what? It probably was. There was. There was many. There was black people yelling at her for something. She's yelling at them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

They're talking in black scent. Right. They're saying stuff. They're like, you ain't. And she goes, blah, blah, blah. And to be like, you're not. She code switched.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

As many are.

[Tom Segura]

But for, like, a near elderly person to do that is what's the most standout.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. You know, But I've seen that when hosts go up and they take a black comic off stage. You've seen that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

An old comic being like, anyway, y', all, that. That. You know, that comic is sick. Keep going for the next guy.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. He switched up.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

I will say she definitely black dudes, though. That's not her first time saying that. Yeah. Because that's not her first time saying that. She said it very comfortable.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Again. Yeah. She said it in a way that she's had some boyfriends that she said, you ain't to.

[Christina P]

Because here's the deal, man. I wouldn't in a million years never know to say that phrase.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I've heard.

[Christina P]

I've heard the things. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what I would do.

[Christina P]

I would never think.

[Tom Segura]

I would never do a documentary interview about the time I said it.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then say it again.

[Christina P]

Say it again.

[Tom Segura]

I'd be like, I don't know. Do you have tape of that? Because I don't remember remember saying that. Yeah, yeah. She's volunteering it.

[Christina P]

I'd be stupid enough to repeat it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you would be like, yeah, yeah. You find anything? Zolo can't find anything. On it, but I'll keep digging.

[Christina P]

It's got to be a dub over or like.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't think so. Dude, one more time. Let's look at it. Let's look at her lips while she's saying, yeah, okay.

[Jordan Jensen]

And I yelled out, oh, that's.

[Tom Segura]

There it is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Ever in a million years. But that's what happened. I love. But that's what happened also.

[Tom Segura]

It's what happened. It's what happened is. Is a small way of saying. It's not what I said. It's what happened. In other words.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

It's almost like I. I'm not taking full accountability. Some happened.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some went down.

[Christina P]

Well, what is the world in which you're not responsible for it? Like, you're so. Well, you know, you are so on.

[Tom Segura]

But you're trying to not be fully accountable. So what you do is you're like. And that's what happened.

[Jordan Jensen]

What happened.

[Tom Segura]

I heard that and I felt like what she was saying is like, I mean, that's what it is though, right? You know, like that's. But you know, they aren't. They, you know, they ain't. And that's why I said, yeah, like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Right, right. I'm sorry that I said, like, I. I spoke truth to power and that's not on me.

[Christina P]

That's a crazy.

[Jordan Jensen]

I said the thing that everybody's thinking. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because she should have been like. Because, you know, to the interviewer, you know. Right, right.

[Christina P]

That's the end of the clip.

[Jordan Jensen]

And that's what happened. I like that.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, did you find something?

[Christina P]

Did you find it?

[Tom Segura]

No, Josh, I think I did.

[Jordan Jensen]

I think that's what happened. She looks like it's from this video.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, she does have a magic Massachusetts accent. This is making a lot more sense. Okay, so this was probably. There she is.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God. Well done.

[Tom Segura]

This is the busing crisis in Boston.

[Jordan Jensen]

Integrating whites who didn't send their kids to public schools. There it is, Kennedy and a few other jerks that would appear on television telling us, we telling us what to do with our K. All over the country where forced busing went into effect.

[Tom Segura]

There was resistance from both whites and blacks.

[Jordan Jensen]

We are in a war and we're going to win this one.

[Tom Segura]

But nowhere did the conflict remain as.

[Jordan Jensen]

Bitter as at South Boston High. South Boston in December, a white student.

[Tom Segura]

17 year old Michael Faith, was stabbed.

[Jordan Jensen]

And all hell broke loose.

[Christina P]

And that's what happened.

[Jordan Jensen]

All bandaged up, he looked just like a mummy and he had blood all over him. And I yelled out, nikazee shit. Which I would never say. Yeah, you would be in a million years. But that's what happened. It totally is what happened. Maybe it's an old. It's older than we think it is.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is. Is. I mean, it's about the 70s. It was probably filmed. This looks like it's at least 25 years old.

[Jordan Jensen]

That we would die.

[Christina P]

But she did mean to say it. You're right, annie.

[Jordan Jensen]

God damn.

[Christina P]

100 meant to say it.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah. She meant it as bad as we think. She just is a little bit of a G. And she said it like that. Like, she's a little bit. She's a little bit in the rap culture.

[Christina P]

But this is from 19.

[Tom Segura]

She said it the way that, like, NWA says it, you know, like.

[Jordan Jensen]

Which is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Like a hard Z.

[Jordan Jensen]

She did not say it like an angry, racist white lady. She said it like.

[Christina P]

Yeah, this was in 1970. She said the phrase.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

So she was ahead of her time.

[Jordan Jensen]

She was way ahead of time. Yeah. She went. She went on to work with the context.

[Tom Segura]

She said somebody was stabbed and they were wrapped like a mummy. And then she was like, you know, who ain't?

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

That is what she did.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Did this lady come up with that phrase?

[Jordan Jensen]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

That would be crazy.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's really.

[Tom Segura]

All right, I. I have to wrap up in a second, so let's watch a couple more.

[Christina P]

This was so good.

[Jordan Jensen]

So fun. Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This was awesome. Protesting property taxes.

[Jordan Jensen]

I started your time.

[Tom Segura]

He gave him. He gave the finger break.

[Christina P]

Dancing at a town meeting.

[Jordan Jensen]

This is. He's filibustering, I'm assuming.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And.

[Christina P]

The guy behind him with the hand on the forehead like this. Silly.

[Jordan Jensen]

I would be. I would be laughing so hard, I would never be able to keep it.

[Tom Segura]

They would kick you out of the room.

[Christina P]

I would love this so much.

[Jordan Jensen]

I love this so much.

[Christina P]

Me, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

This makes me feel okay. Living another day. Oh, my God. The breath out that. He was like, thank you. So that was really good. I could tell I did a really good job.

[Christina P]

Look how upset the white guys are. The elite whites are so mad.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, did you know I can do the backspin?

[Jordan Jensen]

Anybody? Anybody want to see me do the backspin? Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Say yes, somebody.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

When somebody asks, you say, yes.

[Jordan Jensen]

I'm gonna do the back spin. Anybody watch this.

[Christina P]

Encourage.

[Tom Segura]

Watch this.

[Christina P]

Oh, he can do it. That was good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Simone.

[Christina P]

One guy laughing.

[Jordan Jensen]

This guy is so sick. He has a wedding ring. He's a married man. We were told the referendum was going to bring it up for an average household. About 400. Yeah, I think. And mine went up, like, 900 bucks. Damn. And I think we heard.

[Christina P]

We were told, like, that was from.

[Jordan Jensen]

The schools or something, but the school.

[Tom Segura]

Referendum said it would only go up.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, like I said.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think he got his point across. That was really cool.

[Christina P]

That was rad.

[Jordan Jensen]

Really, really cool guy. It was so fun on it.

[Tom Segura]

You know what's crazy is that if he just brings that up without the break dancing, it stays, like, just in this room.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because he broke. He did the breakdancing. It became a national. Like, everybody has seen this guy do.

[Jordan Jensen]

This, and now everybody knows the cause.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's 900 versus 400, right.

[Jordan Jensen]

The injustice. That's good.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I got a good Irish Catholic guy for you. I can't believe it's in your folder. This guy.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Look at this guy.

[Christina P]

He's on the east coast, too.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

Jordan, don't even.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know, it's really. We've really strayed far from God. Oh, wow.

[Christina P]

Here's the thing, though, Jordan, is that you're never gonna find him, is it, Cheese?

[Jordan Jensen]

He's.

[Christina P]

We've been trying to get a hold of him for 15 years. He won't talk to us.

[Jordan Jensen]

Listen, just. I just want you reach out to him.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to. Do you want to hear this guy fart? Please say, yes, I have a bunch of his parts.

[Jordan Jensen]

No, you don't.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's King Asper. That's.

[Christina P]

He's the king. No, he is from King As. He won't. He won't talk to us.

[Tom Segura]

This is him. Okay. Wow. Isn't that crazy?

[Christina P]

That's one take.

[Jordan Jensen]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then he even does. I'm farting on you haters. I'm farting on you haters. Like, he. And he'll fart on his food sometimes and eat it.

[Jordan Jensen]

I went on a rant about the shart inspired by you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Me just yelling at you, being like, you, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That's in my act.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

That you shit your pants.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy that you were like. I was like, did the air ride poop particles? I was talking about this because somebody. I was talking about how all men their pants.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jordan Jensen]

And then I was like, also this word shart. Like, I thought that you guys were poop particles were riding wind, and you're like, no, I just thought I was farting a little shit and shit Came out instead of fart. And I'm like, yeah, that's just shit.

[Tom Segura]

That's just shit. Yeah, you made me realize that.

[Jordan Jensen]

It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

I give you credit. Okay, good.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thank you. Thank you. Because you really came out. And I was like, was it a stream? And you're like, yeah, a short.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, no, my diaper was full.

[Jordan Jensen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Listen, she is one of. Literally my favorite. She's one of the funniest people working today. You can go see her live. Jordan Jensen, comedy.com. but for sure, check out the new Netflix special, Take Me with youh. It's on Netflix already, getting rave reviews. Podcast Being Ian with Jordan and RIP Jordan Jensen, it was. Dude, thank you for coming in.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thank you. I know.

[Christina P]

I really feel happy you came. Come back again.

[Jordan Jensen]

We're closer than me and Tommy at this point.

[Tom Segura]

Leslie's just hitting it off.

[Jordan Jensen]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you so much.

[Jordan Jensen]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

We'll see you guys next week. Bye.

[Jordan Jensen]

You know what I was supposed to do? I was supposed to give Roger Feigart some panties. Thought he pink. I won't say what goes with pink. These are for Mickey Esposito, since everybody's panties get in a wad when I come up here. So send them to her. Okay. Now these here, they can't even fit on my ankle. Did you see me in a book?

[Christina P]

Women are stupid.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. I have two boobs, not 6. I have 6, but more love.

[Tom Segura]

More love.

[Jordan Jensen]

He protects you guys from people like me. He protects you guys from people like me.

[Tom Segura]

More love. More love.

[Jordan Jensen]

And guess what my dad called it. Dental floss. And guess what I did with it? I put it away. Something like this. And I made a lot of money. You have no idea who knows me. You have no idea who knows me.

[Tom Segura]

Women are stupid.

[Jordan Jensen]

I have two boobs, not six. I have six butts. I have two boobs, not 6. I have 6 bucks.

[Tom Segura]

More love. More love.

[Jordan Jensen]

He protects you guys from people like me. He protects you guys from people like me.

[Tom Segura]

More love or love.

[Jordan Jensen]

And guess what my dad called it? Dental floss. And guess what I did with it? I put it away. Something like this. And I made a lot of money.

[Tom Segura]

Women are stupid.

[Jordan Jensen]

Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights and likes complicated recipes. But for booking making her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way. With Expedia, she bundled her flight with a hotel to save more. Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower. You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip Expedia Made to travel flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.