A Hamburglar Halloween w/ Ryan Sickler | Your Mom's House Ep. 834

Summary

Podcast Summary

Your Mom's House with Christina P. & Tom Segura

Episode: A Hamburglar Halloween w/ Ryan Sickler | Ep. 834
Date: October 29, 2025
Guest: Ryan Sickler
Studio: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

This Halloween-themed episode dives into the classic Your Mom’s House mix: edgy comedy, personal stories, roasting, wild clips, and frank discussions about everything from candy politics to butthole cleanliness. Tom Segura and Christina P. riff on costumes (or lack thereof), riff on societal oddities, exchange wild stories with guest comedian Ryan Sickler, and showcase repulsive internet videos. Expect sharp banter about Florida “garbage whites,” Christmas vs. Hanukkah, body image, Kardashians, and a marathon of gross-out clips. The tone is irreverent, unfiltered, and deeply silly—even as the trio touches on real topics like recovery and vulnerability.

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Main Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Halloween Costumes & Roasting Each Other

[00:25–06:17]

• Christina dresses as Karl Lagerfeld, complete with a bad wig and fingerless gloves.
• Tom forgets to wear a costume; gets mercilessly roasted.
• “Thank you, Tom, for acknowledging my brilliance...I’m Karl Lagerfeld.” — Christina [01:05]
• They riff about Lagerfeld’s controversial comments and antisemitic accusations.
• The comedy in Christina’s full-on character, including mocking Tom’s weight.

2. Candy, Parenting & Holiday Politics

[06:56–10:29]

• Rant about dentists’ program exchanging Halloween candy for toys.
• “What kind of demonic, anti-Christian, anti-American, communist shit is that?” — Tom [07:12]
• The dangers of over-restriction: “She turned into a horse because the minute she could buy her own groceries, she was making all the wrong choices.” — Christina [08:29]
• The sadness of parents who skip Santa Claus, and the importance of fun “lies.”
• “If your kids haven’t figured out you lie to them by now, they’re stupid.” — Christina [09:25]

3. Christmas vs. Hanukkah: The Ultimate Holiday

[12:59–15:11]

• Ryan reflects on his family doing both holidays.
• “Hanukkah doesn’t have shit on Christmas.” — Ryan [13:10]
• The Jewish tradition of “guilt” (gelt).
• Funny take on Hanukkah gifts: “One crappy gift a day.”

4. Florida: Epicenter of American Trash

[17:38–23:09]

• In-depth dissection of why Florida attracts “the best garbage white.”
• “The trashiest whites in America live in Florida.”—Tom [18:04]
• Factors: warm weather, no state income tax, legal fireworks, guns, “stand your ground” law.
• National differences in gun culture and accessibility; riff about buying guns easily.

5. Outrageous Online Videos & Reactions

[23:55–40:02]

• Revisiting viral videos: “hairy butt” grooming tutorial, odd “gayer than you” declarations.
• Group reactions: “He could have just closed it, right?” [27:13]
• Analyzing sexual bravado and performative queerness online.
• Ryan calls out “white people” for homoerotic joking: “This is what white men do...I don’t understand.” [30:21]
• Christina admits: “Once I see the gay kissing stuff, I get very like, come on, man...” [30:54]
• Conversation turns to vampire fiction and sexual fantasies.

6. Food, Kink, and Who’s Attracted to Whom

[35:39–39:51]

• Tom describes types like the “Florida garbage white”—guys who live on boats, drink Zima, and have neckbeards.
• Bert Kreischer’s fashion choices as a Florida archetype; “He looks like a meatball sub.” — Christina [40:01]
• The trio tries to guess what kind of women respond to gross food-centric Internet personalities.
• “There is someone on this rock...for that guy.” — Ryan [47:24]

7. Guest Segment: Ryan Sickler Joins (Plastic Surgery, Recovery, Gratitude)

[40:24–49:41]

• Ryan explains his inability to wear a costume (recent brow lift), and thanks Christina for her help during recovery.
• “When I got out of the hospital...you sent me cleaning ladies... Thank you.”—Ryan [63:33]
• Opens up about feeling vulnerable, being a single dad after health issues.
• Jokes about their collective “tragedies” (Ryan’s cancer, Christina’s mastectomy, Tom’s teeth/Invisalign).
• Ryan expresses genuine gratitude to the YMH fanbase.

8. Fatphobia, Karl Lagerfeld, and Fashion

[41:41–46:06]

• Christina reads Lagerfeld’s actual quotes on body image and sweatpants: “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat.” — Lagerfeld [43:03]
• Roast of fatphobia in fashion, and speculation about why Lagerfeld disliked certain bodies.
• “You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.” — Lagerfeld (read by Tom) [43:03]
• Ryan: “I don’t buy that. That’s some bullshit!”

9. Internet Clips: Food, Oddities, and the Human Condition

[46:31–58:39]

• Dissection of viral food fetish accounts.
• Tangent into picky eating and avoidant restrictive food intake; bullying as a tool for “growth.”
• “There’s this great...video, cholos giggling at nerds in furry outfits. Old-school.” — Christina [59:23]
• Christina and Ryan make the case for a little bit of healthy shame/bullying.

10. Wiping, Hygiene, and Poo Talk (Classic YMH)

[93:02–99:33]

• Epic, unfiltered discussion about sharting, carrying extra underwear, baby wipes, and bidets.
• “I used to think I was clean, but then I used wipes. All these years, why were we using dry paper?” — Ryan [95:03]
• Christina: “We are a total washlet household exclusively.”
• Hardcore ponderings on washcloth protocol while traveling.

11. Miscellaneous Bits & Callbacks

[100:45–103:07]

• Fake “Earl Change” car mechanic (and roasting his “rattling” vehicle).
• “Stop going to them Arabs...stop paying $80 for an Earl change!” [102:09]
• Ryan breaks down how cut-rate deals often mean “you get what you pay for.”
• Discovery that the “Earl Change” guy has 114,000 followers.

12. The Finale: Musical Chairs Disaster & More Cringe Clips

[79:05–81:14]

• Watch and react to a violent game of musical chairs ending in a broken leg.
• Gross out and bodily harm humor, blaming “the fat” and wondering who could remain friends after such injuries.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “What kind of fucking satanic, demonic, anti-Christian, anti-American, communist shit is that?” (Tom roasting dentists’ anti-candy scheme – [07:12])
• “If your kids haven’t figured out you lie to them, they’re fucking stupid.” (Christina on Santa Claus – [09:25])
• “The trashiest whites in America live in Florida.” (Tom – [18:04])
• “He looks like a meatball sub.” (Christina on Bert Kreischer – [40:01])
• “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.” (Karl Lagerfeld, read by Tom – [43:03])
• “I can't tell you how much—I'm laying on a couch feeling like a loser, watching these people clean. Thank you.” (Ryan expressing gratitude – [63:33])
• “If you had shit on your arm, you wouldn’t take a dry napkin and just do that...” (Ryan on why wipes are superior – [95:15])
• “Go in there and take one of these Lysol wipes with bleach on them and get back there...” (Ryan admitting to drastic office bathroom solutions – [95:56])

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Running Themes & Tone

• Irreverence: No subject is taboo. Body shaming, fatphobia, sex acts, racism, and internet weirdos—all get a comedic roasting.
• Gross-out Humor: The classic YMH fare: bodily functions, food fetishes, and shocking internet clips.
• Self-Deprecation: The hosts and guest openly discuss their medical histories, aging, and past misadventures.
• Real Moments of Kindness: Ryan’s vulnerability and gratitude give a rare, touching moment amid the madness.
• Observational Riffing: The group dissects odd American subcultures (Florida, fashion, holiday parenting, etc.), always with an eye for the absurd.

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Useful Timestamps for Important Segments

• **[00:30]– Hosts discuss costumes and open the show
• **[06:56]– Candy exchange rant and parenting philosophy
• **[09:43]– “Lie to kids” philosophy and the Santa Claus riff
• **[13:10]– “Hanukkah doesn’t have shit on Christmas”
• **[18:04]– Dissection of “Florida garbage whites”
• **[23:55]– Tom’s viral video rivalry (“I’ll beat your ass” call-back)
• **[40:24]– Ryan Sickler joins, shares surgery and recovery story
• **[43:03]– Reading Lagerfeld’s quotes on body image and sweatpants
• **[63:21]– Ryan’s heartfelt thanks for help during recovery
• **[93:55]– Sharting story and airport taco pro-tip
• **[98:16]– Wiping, washcloth technique, and raised hygiene standards

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Final Takeaway

Your Mom’s House Ep. 834 delivers on all fronts: gut-busting comedy, gnarly clips, unfiltered honesty, playful cruelty, and a throughline of resilience—whether it’s surviving cancer, living in Florida, or just navigating adulthood’s indignities. It’s peak YMH: raw, weird, hilarious, and surprisingly (just a touch!) full of heart.

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Check out Ryan Sickler’s new special “Live and Alive” on YouTube.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everyone. I'm filming my new stand up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only. Get your tickets now at tomsecurret.com tour well, welcome.

[B]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[C]

Ready in chamesh ein svi shrei.

[A]

All right. Welcome to a very spooky episode of your mom's house. I. I forgot that today was a thing, but someone else didn't.

[C]

What you're laughing at? You're very fat.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[C]

How dare you laugh at me and your obesity. I don't mean to. I'm in character. Just know that I really think your fat. I'm Carl ael.

[A]

I understand. So, yes, sitting here today with me is a legend in the world of fashion.

[C]

Thank you, Tom, for acknowledging my brilliance.

[A]

A kind of an asexual fashion God.

[C]

Thank you. I am. I wouldn't say I'm a homosexual, but yeah, I did not have irrelations. Otherwise I would have died of aids.

[A]

Right. Because of the gays.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't have aids.

[A]

Tom, you really. I mean, you went all out. This is this. You nailed it.

[C]

Thank you. I got the. The fingerless gloves, which were surprisingly. You can find this all on Karl Lagerfeld.com and he sells the tie.

[A]

I was gonna say. Did you. Did you just get like a Mozart wig?

[C]

Yeah, this is from Amazon. Yeah, yeah. The hairline's not perfect, but you know.

[A]

Hey, yeah, you got the tie from his site.

[C]

Yeah, he sells them like. Well, he. Not dead, but you can buy the oversized thing. And this is from his website, as are the. The sparkly gloves. And I know you're interested. Oh, there is the TV show. I got inspired by him.

[A]

He also. He rarely smiled. Right? Wasn't he always?

[C]

Yeah, he was. They called him Kaiser Carl because he was just very into work and he lives in a very sterile environment and he's just fully about fashion and the importance of fashion and that's it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And that is all. What happened to your time? You're very lazy. You did not have a costume. Why did you not?

[A]

I. I honestly totally forgot.

[C]

You forgot?

[A]

I forgot.

[C]

This Vesson has to. Vesson. I don't even know how to say that anymore.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He hated. I think he hated Jews. Right? He was like anti Semitic. He was.

[A]

That's quite an accusation for someone to say Go. Right. Like. Like you're not sure.

[B]

You're just gonna label something.

[C]

I think he was. They were saying crazy stuff.

[A]

So that we could apologize if it's not true.

[C]

To who? He's dead.

[A]

Well, I'm just saying it's. You don't want someone's legacy to be that if it's not true.

[C]

They all know he was very Polaroiding. He was a very polarizing guy.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He made a lot of really cool comments.

[A]

Hold on. Let's, let's. Okay. He was condemned in making comments 2017 that were described as anti Semitic and Islamophobic. It's good when you get. When you hit all the fucking marks. It was made during a televised rant against German Chancellor Angela Merkel's immigration policy. Here's what he said. One cannot, even if there are decades between them, kill millions of Jews so you can bring millions of their worst enemies in their place. Okay. He also recounted a fabricated story. I know someone in Germany who took a young Syrian and after four days said the greatest thing Germany invented was the Holocaust. Oh, that's pretty aggro.

[C]

I didn't read that one before I bought the costume. So.

[A]

His statements were immediately condemned by German media, French anti racism groups and Jewish organizations. They quickly claim.

[C]

Please.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

What? You cannot even say what's in your heart anymore? You can't make a joke.

[A]

Well, yeah.

[C]

Or just what's wrong with.

[A]

You can't have opinions.

[C]

You can't just say, yeah. This is a free country.

[A]

Anyway, what's up with your new collection?

[C]

I've been drawing very ferociously. I've been selling these lipsticks. I've been selling them on my website, christinap.com all kinds of new colors in the fall, and I'm very inspired. There they are. I just did a new photo shoot with some very skinny, thin, beautiful models.

[A]

None of them are fat.

[C]

Nobody is fat. Yes, you fat. Deal with it. Deal with it. Yeah. There we go. That's what I'm up to.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I haven't seen me to not lose weight.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

It's true.

[C]

Speaking. Oh, should we get into the update that I had for you? I don't want to get into it too early. Okay.

[A]

Here, let's. Let's open the show. Let's open it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You ready?

[C]

I'm ready, man.

[A]

Let's go, buddy. Let's go. Happy Hallow Jeans.

[C]

Happy Hallow Jeans.

[B]

I'm Ryan, and I was thinking to myself, damn, I have a high sex drive like a bunny rabbit. Only problem is I got no one to.

[C]

Who is my auntie?

[D]

Don't bring anyone mother into this mission.

[A]

I know what you're saying. Dude.

[B]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajit.

[C]

And.

[B]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[C]

Feel the be, feel the be. Let it sing in your heart. Make it yours. You can make this song heart of your soul.

[B]

Omron.

[C]

You can try me, fatso. Omron.

[B]

Omron.

[C]

Like, you know, the problem is he needs to channel this energy into work.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Or bite us.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Makes you free.

[A]

That's true. Okay, so what's. What's the word? Karl Lagerfeld? Are you excited for, you know, the Halloween? Walking around, getting candy? Are you a fan of that?

[C]

I don't eat much candies.

[A]

No.

[C]

I'm on a specific diet to fit into Dior's size 6. I eat specific things, but not like you. I can tell. You eat all the candies.

[A]

Oh, right.

[C]

Just gobbles them up.

[A]

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

[C]

Steals them from the children. I'm stupid. So I took our kids to the dentist a little while ago and they're like, hey, you can bring back your Halloween candy and exchange it for toys. We have a program where you can exchange the candy for toys. I was like, what kind of fucking satanic, demonic, anti Christian, anti American, communist shit is that? Can you even imagine?

[A]

Turn your candy in. Your Halloween candy.

[C]

Your hard earned candy. You went door to door for it.

[A]

Yeah. It's once a year, too. So you're doing it every week.

[C]

Yeah. Relax. I mean, how square of a parent do you have to be to be like. Not even. Not Even on the holiday.

[A]

No candy for you.

[C]

That sucks.

[A]

Yeah. That's a mega bummer.

[C]

We know people that would.

[A]

I. Yeah.

[C]

You know.

[A]

Yeah, we know them quite well.

[C]

No fun.

[A]

Yeah, they're in the no fun zone.

[C]

No fun zone.

[A]

Got 13 more bites.

[C]

Wowzer. That was on. Or like. Yeah, like it's vacation.

[A]

More bites of healthy stuff. 9.

[C]

I know. Counting the bites and.

[A]

Jesus. Yeah.

[C]

I feel like if you make a big deal out of it. Look, I have a. I have a relative who was denied all the sweets growing up. And then what happened? She grew up and she got.

[B]

You know, where to find a big old. That's right, fatty.

[C]

Now she turned into a horse because the minute she could buy her own groceries, she was making all the wrong choices.

[A]

You can't restrict too much.

[C]

No, it's a holiday, you animals. And then there are people, there are parents who don't do Santa Claus.

[A]

That's so sad. That one's actually more sad because you know that all the other kids are.

[B]

Like.

[A]

The wonder that you see the true wonder and innocence of their. Like a magic man is coming down. And then there's a kid whose parents are like, nah, that's not happening. It's just not real.

[C]

It's not real, guys. I don't want to lie to my children.

[A]

It's not. It's not happening. And there's nothing. No one's coming.

[C]

There's no magic in the world.

[A]

Don't put any cookies out. No one's gonna fucking eat them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

There's no magic. There's no joy. There's nothing special. And you know what they say they. This parents. They go, yeah, but I don't want to lie to my kids. And they're going to be disappointed. I'm like, if your kids haven't figured out that you lie to them about stuff by now, they're fucking stupid.

[A]

Lie to them about a cool surprise.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you're not lying to them to hurt them.

[C]

I lie to our kids all the time. And now they know it, and they're like, you're lying to me. I'm like, no.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

Then I'm like, I'm sorry. I totally lied to you.

[A]

But that's a good one.

[C]

Lie to kids.

[A]

It's a good one.

[C]

It's called fun lies. Fun surprise lies. Like, you like to surprise me and you always lie to me and you're a good actor. And it's kind of scary because I wonder what other things you're lying about.

[A]

Cool.

[C]

How many families you have in other towns.

[A]

So. Yeah. Do you know that? Do you know that we played this video? But also just to park. At this point, denying a child Christmas is the greatest crime of all.

[C]

I think.

[A]

So even if you're. You don't have to be Christian to do it. You realize this is a cultural holiday. It's not about, you know, they'll tell you, oh, it's the birth. No one gives it. Come on.

[C]

No one gives a shit about that.

[A]

No, it's about having. It's about blowing a kid's mind.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

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[C]

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[B]

My family did. Thank God.

[A]

Yeah, those. See, that's a good J.

[C]

But that's why you turned out so.

[A]

And that's why you work here, man.

[B]

You understand that Christmas is Hanukkah doesn't have on Christmas.

[A]

No. Not everybody knows that. No candle.

[C]

You get like one crappy gift a day. Yeah, but they're like crummy gifts, right? They're not like blowing your mind gifts.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's a whole different thing. It's not cool.

[A]

Yeah. Here's a collection of like different interest rates from around the world. Okay, cool.

[C]

They do kind of live up to those stereotypes. They give away the gold chocolate coins, Right? You get guilt.

[B]

Guilt.

[C]

Yeah, guilt. Guilt.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, it's not this. Christmas rules.

[C]

Christmas rules.

[A]

For a kid.

[B]

Christmas rules everything. Yeah.

[C]

It's so good, dude. Oh, yeah, that's. I mean, look, I like. That's your little gift today. Do you want to light the candle? Joshua? Joshua, you want a coin? Amanda brought you some. Guilt. Don't eat it all. Not at once. You're gonna burn your mouth on this soup.

[A]

Oh, my God. I sat next to this Jew broad by the pool.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And she was like, I. She's on the phone. She goes, I had to give him.

[C]

A hundred thousand dollars.

[A]

And I'm sitting there like, what? The lady. Like, we're just relaxing by the pool. She goes, can you believe it? Or I'd be homeless right now.

[C]

I'd be homeless. He made.

[A]

I didn't know he made $14 million in 2018. Who knows what he did to make that?

[C]

Is it even legal?

[A]

And I was like, la, we're fucking relaxing by the pool, then you get in the pool. And the guys were going back and forth about millions being stored here. It was all money talk. It was so bizarre.

[C]

It's almost like the stereotype was true. Yeah.

[A]

You know, maybe it's coming out because Carl's here.

[C]

Maybe it is. I'm not sure. But I grew up in San Fernando Valley. Very J heavy. Meant to many bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs growing up. I'm a friend of the Jays, I'm a friend of the Muslims. But, man, that money chat. We were in Florida, we took a little holiday. Mommy needed to clear her head, and, man, it really was. They were talking about money everywhere. Fucking conversation.

[A]

Yeah. What's up with that, Josh?

[C]

Yeah, what is. Is that true? You guys just talk about money all day long?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think about it all day long, too. Like, it's just kind of in you.

[A]

It's just kind of in you.

[B]

I've never seen somebody more afraid to gamble in my life.

[C]

Really?

[B]

It's not fun. It's not fun.

[C]

I agree with you.

[B]

It's stupid. Like, I'm just going to lose.

[C]

It is stupid.

[A]

But that is a. Like a very. You know.

[B]

I'm not saying he's not smart.

[A]

Right? Right. That's a. He's educated about it. It's an evolved kind of stance. Like, why would I play with this money?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

It hurts so much more for me to lose it than it does, like, any joy from winning it.

[A]

What's the. What's the biggest. Biggest gamble you've ever taken? Like, in that world?

[B]

I did like 200 bucks on craps the other day at a casino, and I lost it. And, yeah, it just sucked.

[A]

Just ruined.

[B]

Yeah, it was a bummer.

[C]

What do you do when you lose the money?

[B]

Just cry.

[C]

Do you put on a hair shirt?

[A]

And he's got the right answer. You go to the atm.

[B]

To the atm.

[C]

That's what you crush.

[B]

And I tell you, oh, your limit today is too. No, no, no, no, no. Then you call the bank, you get more footwork, and then you win it back.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

And you always win it back. That's what people don't know. You always win it.

[C]

Absolutely. The gambler always wins. Isn't that the same.

[A]

That's the expression.

[B]

It's the minute that you quit that you would have won.

[A]

That's how you lose.

[C]

Never give up, loser. That's what they tell you.

[B]

You're always about to hit big.

[A]

You know what they tell you, too, when you play blackjack, the. When you reduce your bet, they go, oh, so you want blackjack meaning, like, if you take your bet down, that's when you're gonna hit it big. So you gotta keep pushing.

[C]

Keep pushing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Bet big, and you're like, big. Nyah.

[B]

Please.

[A]

Big. Yeah, I see what you mean. Is that in here. Do I have big?

[C]

Yeah, please.

[A]

I don't think I have it in here. Rough.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Huh. Well, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. They really did talk about money all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[C]

It's crazy, dude.

[A]

A lot of people talk about money, though.

[C]

But they're cool, you know? It's cool. It's good. But I did. I did. There was a white guy who looked like just like a white guy, but he was talking with, like, a Latin accent. And to you, I was like, why? What's going on? And you go, babe, babe, it's Florida.

[A]

This is Florida.

[C]

They're just. And I think what's special about Florida is that they have the best garbage white.

[A]

The garbage. Trashiest whites in America live in Florida.

[C]

The garbage.

[A]

We're talking about non J. Whites.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

These are just, like, gentile trash humans, and they do congregate in the state of Florida. And there's theories as to why. Yeah. Well, okay. Warm weather is always going to attract.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

Somebody that's like, well, where is it going to be easier to live? Vegas attracts warm weather. Yeah. Arizona. Trash bags.

[C]

Trash bags.

[A]

Garbage Florida. Massive trash bags.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you got warm weather. So they're like, all right. It'll be nice. Even if I can't have a nice place, it'll be nice outside.

[C]

True.

[A]

Right, right. No state income tax always draws in.

[C]

Same. Same with Arizona.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Texas, Nevada. Texas.

[A]

Yeah. What was it? Montana? No. Washington, Tennessee, Maine.

[C]

But still, I feel like Florida has the garbage. White.

[A]

Right. So it's like. But I'm saying it's another thing. It's like, it's warm out.

[C]

Yeah. Check.

[A]

No state income tax.

[C]

Fireworks are legal.

[A]

Fireworks, easy to get. Guns. Stand your ground. Which is a law that's basically like, that black guy is making me uncomfortable. Can I kill him? That's what stand your ground basically is. They're like, what happened? This black guy walked up and I was like, you're black. And so I shot him. And then they're like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

[C]

Is that true?

[A]

I mean, I'm obviously, you know, exaggerating, but.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

The stand your ground law.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Since it has been. Had been enacted and been a law there. It's. There's a disproportionate amount of black people dying. And the defense is stand your ground.

[C]

Great. Great.

[A]

Yeah. It's like, you can use deadly force if you feel like your life is in danger. And yeah, this def. It's definitely.

[C]

And you said that's here in Texas, too.

[A]

Senior grounds of Florida. I don't know if it's in Texas.

[C]

It's definitely in Florida because I was at the. I was at the sporting goods store with Julian looking for binoculars to look at UFOs, and we were looking at the guns because our kids love guns. And. And I was like, hey, can I just buy a gun?

[A]

Yeah. We don't have stand your ground, by the way. That's not here.

[C]

Oh, okay. I go to the guy, I'm like, can I just, like, buy one of these? He's like, yeah, you got to pass the background check. That'll take like a day or something like that. And then that's it. I just walk out. And he's like, well, would help to take a class or something just to know the laws.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was like, that's.

[A]

That's not like, yeah, suggestion, bro.

[B]

When I. When I first got here, it took a week. I went to a pawn shop and I didn't. I barely showed him my id And I got a gun.

[A]

I didn't.

[B]

There was no date weight. It was just id.

[A]

I. I went to a gun store, I bought a gun where I was like. I was asking the same questions, like, how long is this going to take? And they're like, well, do you have your id? And I'll go, yeah. And they go, okay, so let me go through here. And he goes, you know, technically I can get back to you in like 24 hours. He's like, but hold on a second. He just like, da, da, da. He goes, you're approved. You can get it. He just gave it to me right there.

[C]

You're Tom Sicker.

[A]

He was like, you make me laugh.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So there was no wait, no wait. He's like, yeah, it went through the system. You're fine.

[C]

Wild. And you can carry. You can just carry.

[A]

You can open carry without anything, or you can take a test online that takes about, I don't know, eight minutes. You can get a concealed carry permit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's.

[A]

So there's a lot of guns in this state.

[C]

A lot, a lot. But I will say, for some reason, I mean, you don't see people being shot dead all the time in the streets.

[A]

I mean, no, not. I mean, it happens, but I. It's not like a regular daily thing here.

[C]

No, I think it works as a deterrent. Yeah.

[A]

Because you don't broke through on something here. Everybody should have guns.

[C]

Everybody should have guns. Go buy yourself a gun.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Can you imagine listening to this in the uk where they're like, it's not even possible.

[A]

There's a lot of people around the world, crazy. Have a hard time grasping our guns.

[C]

Europe is like, why. Why do you need to.

[A]

I get it, too. I get like, the. The perspective on it being like, what the. Everyone has guns. But then the other thing is, like, you don't understand how ingrained that is in the society here. It's hard to, like, really grasp that it's a big thing. People, you know, people really are adamant that they want their guns. It's never going to be like, oh, we're taking, you know, your gut. People sometimes go like, they're going to take our guns. Like, no, they're not. That's never going to happen.

[C]

Not in America.

[A]

That would be. That would be the biggest bloodbath ever.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's not happening.

[C]

It's so. Yeah, no, it's not going to happen. This ain't happening, man.

[A]

All right, so this what I want to show you. A few weeks ago, I had shown you, I think, this guy.

[C]

The thing about fighting me is that you're not going to beat my ass. You're not going to beat my ass. You're not going to be. I'm going to be your puss. You're going to beat this. I'm going to beat your ass up. Oh, okay.

[A]

And I guess I don't remember exactly. I guess I commented that I would beat the out of this guy.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I was like, I'll beat your fucking ass.

[C]

I wouldn't have done that.

[A]

I think that's what I said. And anyways, it got back to him. It got back to him, Tim. Yeah, so hold on to your seat, Carl.

[C]

Oh, my God. Mr. Segura, I apologize, but you are not allowed to beat my ass. As I said in that video, you would not be able to. So please keep your comments to yourself and do not flip, threaten me, or I will have to seek counsel. Thank you.

[A]

First of all, how the hell does he know that term? This is a guy that can barely put a sentence together. He knows to say council.

[C]

That's true. He doesn't know what that means. He thinks it's a milkshake.

[A]

He's been watching tons of Law and Order. He's like, I'm going to think council. All right. I'm not gonna. I'm not threatening you, dude, I thought you were threatening us with the first video. That's right, but I'm not threatening you. And I don't seek counsel. I don't want an issue with you.

[C]

No, let's not get.

[A]

Certainly don't want to go to litigation.

[C]

No, let's not get the law involved. It's very costly, sir.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You want to hire an attorney? Good luck.

[A]

Good.

[C]

That costs a goddamn fortune, man. Look, I'm an adult, and that means I deal with things like life insurance. I know you don't want to deal with it, but you gotta, especially if you have a family. Because there's nothing that. That keeps my anxiety at bay when I'm on the road away from home, like knowing my family is protected. The excitement of buying a new house or having another kid comes with planning for the future, which is where Ethos comes in. I cannot tell you how much better I feel having life insurance. It is essential to being an adult, and Ethos is an online platform, and that makes getting life insurance fast and easy. To protect your family's future in minutes, not months. Some policies are as low as $2 a day, billed monthly with up to $3 million in coverage with no medical exam required. Just a few questions online can get you same day coverage without ever leaving your house. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free [e-mail] ymh that's e t h o s.com ymh Application times may vary. Rates may vary.

[A]

Do you remember. God damn this. Let's see.

[C]

Video looking at Peter Murphy behind you. He's enchanting me.

[A]

You remember this video from the very beginning. Like, when? Well, a few years ago, I think. But it really blew our minds.

[B]

For reference, this is how hairy my.

[C]

Butt is right now. All right, so step one is to squeeze.

[A]

And he gave tutorials on, like, hair. Like, removing hair from your. Your balls. And these all have, like, 80 million views on YouTube. We were like, what the is going on? And it just turned out that he fell into the category of, like, education when he was clearly like, here's how to fuck more. Okay. It was all about fucking.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, this dude, I guess people are still discovering, obviously, this video all the time, you know, it's not like it's. Everyone's seen it, but this is for reference.

[C]

This is how hairy my butt is right now.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

What the.

[A]

What?

[B]

What?

[C]

What?

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah. YouTube.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What?

[A]

Why did I pause it?

[B]

It's stuck on my screen. I can't even look at my screen.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'mma just say one thing. Yeah, bro Turned around again. He saw it again.

[A]

He did.

[C]

I'm going.

[B]

Just say that. Little sus.

[A]

Little sus.

[B]

Little sus. Little sus.

[C]

You know, little s. Just say that.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

You think he liked the hairy butt is what you're trying to say?

[B]

Paused it on the. On the.

[A]

He could have just closed it, Right? Yeah. I also think, though, he was in real shock. He was in real shock. He didn't know.

[B]

Good shock or bad shock?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Yeah. Because he did set up camera.

[A]

A top that likes to get his ass eaten. Okay.

[B]

So it's a recent thing for me.

[C]

Discovery. Yeah.

[D]

It really is.

[B]

It's a wonderful thing.

[A]

Like, I don't know.

[D]

Like, it's something I feel like I've.

[B]

Been missing out on for a lot of years.

[C]

Yeah. Big boys club.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What you missing out on, man?

[A]

Dick.

[B]

That's what you've been missing out on. Okay.

[A]

He said.

[B]

He said life's so much better now.

[A]

He.

[B]

That's what he said.

[A]

Life is better now.

[B]

Yeah, I bet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Still smiling.

[A]

Ass. Oh, smiling.

[C]

And it's so important.

[A]

If you don't want to admit it, that's fine. But you do gotta accept the fact that I'm gayer than you, dude. I more butt than you do. I suck more dick than you do. I kiss more dudes than you do. I dress better. I wash my Ass more than you do.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

I oil up and bust it down.

[B]

More than you do.

[A]

They caught me down on Highway 72 banging 70 dudes. All right, you ain't pulling these kind of numbers. You ain't doing this. You can't power scale my gayness.

[C]

Power scale my gayness.

[A]

That was pretty dope.

[C]

Yeah. Good for him.

[A]

Yeah, that was awesome.

[C]

Dude, the gays are just try to get my ass.

[B]

I agree with that whole message. He is correct.

[A]

He's gayer.

[B]

I don't know about the dressing part. Yeah, I was gonna say, like, wearing a T shirt.

[A]

What you. I thought it was, like, a church's chicken shirt or something. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

[B]

Like, bro, you just got that for free.

[C]

Your fashion is atrocious.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're gonna say that, you gotta, you know, step it up, dude.

[C]

But he does believe he's not gay.

[A]

I think it's. I think it's a bit as well. A bit? Yeah.

[C]

You see?

[A]

It's a fun bit. Yeah, I think it's a bit.

[C]

Let me look at him.

[A]

You want to see him again? Okay.

[C]

That's delicious. A little boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's delectable.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

Logan's Barbecue. Probably Roadhouse. Yeah.

[C]

But then again, why would you claim to be super gay?

[A]

He's just having fun.

[B]

That white people do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never understood it since I was a kid, man. White in school always. Oh, I'm gay.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Slap my head, man. Reed tried to slap my ass.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

The other day at a bar, and I was strong. Like, never do that again. I was not playing.

[A]

He tried to slap.

[B]

He did.

[A]

Oh, he did slap.

[B]

He did.

[A]

He was like, go get him.

[B]

I was in the bathroom. Like, dog, dog in the bathroom. Yeah, we homies. But if we weren't homies. That's hands.

[A]

It's.

[B]

You cannot do that.

[A]

What if. What if he'd given you, like, a front tickle?

[B]

Dog.

[C]

Dog.

[A]

These. Like, I did that to a co worker once.

[C]

Really?

[B]

You see? You see, this is what. This is what white people do. This is what white men do. I don't know.

[C]

They do. They're very homo erotic.

[B]

I don't understand.

[C]

And they love jiu jitsu. They love wrestling each other on the floor. It's the. It's just the culture, Annie.

[B]

It's crazy, man.

[A]

Well, sometimes you go, you get. You wrestle. You get, like, all your, you know, tension and rage out. And then you give, like, the winner's kiss, you know, you go like that. Like, I Beat you.

[C]

You know, right at the end of Jiu Jitsu, they teach the kids little kiss, just give each other a pecs on the.

[A]

Yeah, it's cute. It's fun.

[C]

I mean, I look at. Listen, any. I'm kind of with you here because I'm watching season two of Interview with a Vampire, which I love the show, but once I see gay kissing stuff, I get very like, come on, man. Like, do I have to.

[A]

Wow, you're getting like this.

[C]

I mean, look, I just don't. Okay. I just don't. I don't need to fucking see it, you know? And I like them. I like the story.

[B]

Thank you, sir.

[C]

Then I. Maybe I'm homophobic.

[A]

Maybe you are homophobic. That's not something to be proud of. Yeah.

[C]

But I don't dislike them. I just don't like watching them court or French or. I don't like watching them French.

[A]

You're just like, I don't like love. I don't like affection between people.

[C]

No, it's just like. Because I. I like them independently. So right now it's season two. It's with Armand and Louis, and there he is from Dubai to the right. One more to the right. That guy. And I like the guy who plays Armand, and I like the guy that plays Louis. And I. I like to imagine them as being ready for me. Oh, heterosexual. And then they start Frenching each other, and then I get upset because I'm like, oh, man. Like, I. The fantasy was that the vampires would come and make me into a vampire, but they're not even interested in sexually. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Such a bummer.

[A]

Do they ever do a thing where they bite the pussy lips? I mean, there's so much blood down there anyway. They never just go for the source.

[C]

Great. There's got to be a vampire out there that exclusively does that.

[A]

Yeah. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, there's. I mean, you guys are just blood gushers, so.

[C]

We are.

[A]

I didn't even think about why go for the neck. You got an open wound.

[C]

Can I tell you something? Real talk?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I get nervous when I'm on my period and we go on vacation. Like, what if I'm in the ocean and, like, the animals?

[A]

The animals? Sharks, you mean sharks. Yeah.

[C]

They can tell and they'll come and.

[A]

Well, they can. Yeah. They can sense that from a mile away.

[C]

That's what I'm saying. Like, can you Google that? That if a woman's on her period, even though she has a tampon in, will she get eaten by a shark on vacation?

[A]

It's specifically on vacation. Like, does the shark recognize that she's having leisure time?

[C]

I'm trying to relax and have a Margaret. That can't be. That can't be. It says. No. There's no scientific evidence to support the claim that sharks are attracted to period blood as opposed to every other kind of blood. Oh, bullshit.

[A]

Well, I mean, they're saying it's just not there.

[C]

They're attracted primarily to fish blood and other menstrual blood does not contain the same chemical signals that attract sharks.

[A]

There you go. There's your answer.

[C]

Thank God.

[A]

Dude, it is safe to swim on vacation. That's. You're good to go now, dog. What? Like, what?

[B]

What is the show, bro? What is the show?

[A]

This is our folder called for any. No.

[C]

And it's been a long time.

[B]

Gay soft porn, though. Like, you can't just do it.

[C]

You can. You can. It's fun.

[B]

YouTube should ban us. We should be banned. God. I'm reaching out to our YouTube contact. I'm like, check this shit up. Give them the timestamps and everything.

[C]

But any I'm with you. It makes me uncomfortable too.

[B]

That's your show.

[C]

But everything makes me uncomfortable on this show. To be fair.

[B]

God damn it.

[C]

Most of the we watch is terrible.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

To me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Unless it's tick tock stuff and then I really like it.

[A]

Then you like it.

[C]

I don't like horny guys licking the air and stuff.

[A]

You don't like this guy here?

[B]

I like women who make me explode my pants.

[C]

God.

[B]

There are only about 13 of you in the Pittsburgh area.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So most of you have nothing to worry about.

[A]

Flakes on your shirt.

[C]

He doesn't blink. He's very still. He's laying down.

[A]

Yeah. He's got knife.

[B]

You're not it.

[A]

Know what I'm saying?

[C]

I don't like it.

[A]

You don't like him? Baby, he's some chicks.

[C]

I don't like it. I'm gonna fucking puke. There's no way this works. There's no way. There's a woman that's like, yeah, there is a woman.

[A]

There might be 13.

[C]

There's not 13 in a Pittsburgh.

[A]

You don't think he. You don't think he closes deals?

[C]

Never.

[A]

Never.

[C]

Not a deal closed. Oh, I think you're not a deal.

[A]

I'm telling you. Here's the thing. They don't look the way he thinks they do. But he closes deals.

[C]

So he could be a Florida white garbage.

[A]

Oh, a hundred percent.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I know guys like this. And the Guys that like talk like this and they, and they put up numbers and it is astonishing what they will claim is attractive, but they do get it. He gets it.

[C]

Well, because if he had like a small boat, like a fishing boat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then he's like, come on, come out on my boat.

[A]

He's had, he's worked a lot of angles in his life.

[C]

That's the big angle for him is come out on my boat.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And then he just, he gives her a six pack, Zimas or whatever. I don't know. Trash drinks.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's what Florida trash love that. They love to be on a boat playing loud shitty music.

[A]

Well, that's another thing. You have the ocean. So if you're kind of a up and you know, you don't like things work on ground, you can just kind of go, you know, I'm meant to be out there. You can kind of up out there.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[A]

You don't really fuck with anybody. Get your dog and you get your, your hot stove and you know, some fishing lines.

[C]

A dog on your boat.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

So cool for them.

[A]

Dogs love to be a lot of guys like that down there. Yeah, you gotta have the full neck beard, bad blotchy skin.

[C]

And do they live. They live on the boat, right? Yeah, that's it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, I gotta pay rent to nobody.

[A]

And they. Sometimes they come ashore and they interact with people and everything starts to go sideways pretty quickly. So they go, I'm going back on the boat. They're just not good.

[C]

No, it's crazy because I actually, I know somebody whose brother is exactly what you're saying.

[A]

Yeah. He's. He's not doing well, is he?

[C]

Piece of.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

He's such a piece of scumbag.

[A]

Yeah. That's how it is, man. Bunch of ups.

[C]

How did you know that?

[A]

I just, I. I grew up there. I know. I know this world. Yeah.

[C]

Amazing that you can tell.

[A]

That show Bloodline really nails it. If you've never seen Bloodline, it's on Netflix. I think they got three seasons. Dude. They really nail the Florida pieces of so well on this show. Everything, the looks, the way that they interact, they're just. They just nail it.

[C]

Well, what I've noticed is the shirtlessness. It's always cut off. Shorts.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And flip flops. And you can wear that anywhere in Florida.

[B]

Bertrand.

[A]

Bertrand wears flip flops almost every day everywhere. That's his Florida upbringing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a clip of him with Sebastian where Sebastian, he's like, Sebastian's Like, I have makeup on. And Bert's like, what, told you guys.

[B]

You should wear makeup?

[A]

And. And then Sebastian explains. He's like, well, I mean, you know, if you do Kimmel, if you do Conan, right. You're on television, they put some on you. He's like, and then this is cameras and it's being broadcast. And like, he kind of explains the logic. And then Burke goes, yeah, like I told you I should do it. He's like, you don't have to wear it. You're not wearing shoes. It's the least of your concerns is what your face looks like.

[B]

Oh, yeah, here it is. Are you serious?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I told you I should have fucking makeup on. God, you look amazing. Well, thank you. Give me a take on the makeup.

[D]

Like, this seems to be the form of entertainment that a lot of people are watching, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So when you go on Jimmy Kimmel.

[B]

Or you go on a Conan o'.

[D]

Brien, whatever the show is, you wear any makeup.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. So not. Nothing really different here.

[B]

We have cameras. This is going to be broadcast to the world. Right. I feel like, you know, little. Little powder.

[D]

Little foundation.

[B]

Powder. Foundation would have been smart. I said, should I get fucking hair and makeup? And everyone's like, it's a podcast. I should have gotten. I should have gotten makeup. No, you should have gotten anything.

[D]

You're.

[B]

You have no shoes on. Yeah, so why would we even start with I didn't even use soap in the shower.

[D]

I have makeup.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, the red, it's blotchy now. Is he out in the sun?

[A]

Yeah, he's in the sun. He goes outside a lot. I don't think he's a sunblock guy because it's true.

[C]

Look how healthy Sebastian looks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you cut to Bert.

[A]

You think it's different lifestyles or.

[C]

No, it's like a sausage.

[A]

And a vegetable.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It's like a healthy green salad. Somebody that's taking care. And then.

[A]

Oh, and there's penne a la vodka.

[C]

A meatball sub right there.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

He looks like a meatball sub.

[A]

Yeah, well, he's out there. He's doing it. He's on tour. Get tickets. Last tour. All right, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. And we are back, and our guest is one of our all time favorites. You can see his new special, Live and Alive. It's out now on his YouTube channel. It's Ryan Sickler, everybody.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you, guys. Yes. Listen, I want to first apologize that I was unable to get a costume I just had a brow lift. And they hit me up and said, hey, you got to get a costume. And I was like, I just had this brow lift. I don't have time. I'm going to New York to the all. I'm banging these out. I don't have time to get a costume. So I do apologize that you're the only one wearing a costume.

[A]

If you.

[B]

The table, Christina. But good for you.

[C]

You still look great. You're better left. I hope it turned out well.

[B]

I hope it looks half as good as yours.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Half as. When I saw you the last time, and I was like, that's something I definitely want to do. Right. I want to willfully put myself through that.

[C]

You got to listen if you. If you're anybody, you need to get plastic surgery.

[A]

That's right. So your inspiration for somebody was. Was just simply your brow lift.

[B]

Yeah. Just. Well, your wife's brow lift. Yeah. I mean, that was the inspiration. I was like, jesus Christ, look what she's doing over there. I was like, it.

[A]

What do you think of a Carl Lagerfeld? Do you like this?

[B]

Well, at first when I came in, I'm ignorant. I didn't even know who the you were.

[C]

Why? What's wrong with you? Because you're classless. You don't like fashion.

[B]

And then they said who you were. And. And I was like, why do like this always. Aren't. Why is that like this? Always in charge of fashion?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, you look like George Washington and Abeling.

[A]

Do you have or.

[B]

And Ray Charles?

[A]

Do you have great Karl Lagerfeld quotes?

[C]

And he was a real peach of a personality.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Wait, have him pull up and you can read the Lagerfeld quote. So they're pretty great.

[C]

And I have a friend who was a Runway model for him in the early 2000s.

[B]

Did you ever meet him?

[C]

And he called her fat.

[B]

What did she weigh, like, 120 pounds?

[C]

Okay, here we go. She's a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.

[B]

Okay, I know who he is now that I see the melted face. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No one wants to see curvy women on the Runway. It's kind of true. There are nearly 30% of young people who are too fat. So let's take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that's left. He's kind of.

[B]

I don't even understand that math.

[A]

Yeah, I don't understand.

[C]

I don't understand what the fuck he's talking about, but everybody in my family basically talks like this.

[A]

Where's his sweatpants?

[C]

Yeah. Europeans are, like, brutal like this. I mean, at least my.

[A]

What about this? Yes. Some people say to me, you're too skinny. But never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could. You lose a few pounds say that.

[B]

Someone who's in shape never says that to me. It's just fat.

[A]

This is a great one. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.

[C]

It's true. That one's true. That's.

[B]

I don't buy that. Some bullshit right there.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

It's not defeat. It's. It's comfort.

[C]

Oh, my God. But what happened?

[A]

He's saying, somebody who prioritizes comfort over appearance. Your life is a mess.

[B]

Right. Well, you're a loser.

[A]

I mean, you can simply look at.

[B]

Me and tell that that's not the case at all. Okay. Look at me.

[C]

What do you think of this, though? The fingerless gloves?

[B]

I've always been a fan of fingerless gloves, though. Forever. I mean, everybody had.

[C]

What is the utility. Because he was an artist, so he would draw all day, but the gloves. This is counterproductive because when I go to the bathroom, I can't wash my hands.

[A]

Oh, and their fishnet, too. Didn't Madonna have those, too?

[C]

Yes, of course. No lager. Felt this one. Well, but you know what I mean. All day.

[B]

What his sexual preference was.

[C]

He was an asexual homosexual. Thank you for asking.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm imagining we're keeping the palms nice and soft for the Glock. You know, fingers are doing the magic, and the palms are. I love his running across, you know, his skinny bodies.

[A]

His disdain for the fat is really my favorite. It's really great.

[C]

It's my favorite.

[B]

It's, like, so gross. He can't even.

[A]

And like, his version, what he calls fat is not what we call fat. Yeah, right. Yeah.

[B]

Does he have a textbook, like, blood pressure should be 120 over 80. Does he have a height weight for a woman? That's ideal.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Like, publicly, has he said the perfect female specimen is this. Has he ever gone on record with a. With a barometer?

[C]

The guy did Chanel for, you know, 10 years or more, and he. He designed for many houses.

[B]

Diverse women, too. Look at the Chanel lineup. Very diverse. I see.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[C]

I'm sure he has a preference he has to have because he's old school, too. This guy was, like, you know, from the 70s.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is this is the beginning.

[B]

I wish he would have had, like, like a closeted, like, big, like, chubby black wife. That would be awesome. You know what I mean? Off to the side, like, you know how all the religious people are like, yeah, don't. Don't do this and that. And then they're all the ones.

[C]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah. What if he just had some, you.

[C]

Know, like, he did like food. So that was his thing, is that he was always eating sweets and he always had a weight problem. So I think that's why he deflected it out. Technically, the world. Yeah.

[B]

Put it in the women, little girls heads and them up for.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I should look like those Chanel models. Why don't I look like a Chanel?

[A]

I hate me. You.

[B]

Yeah. So you know what? You're gonna hate yourself.

[C]

Yes. Yeah. So then. So he literally did want to be a Dior size something like 38 or 40. So he did have them. He had a chef put him on a special diet just so he could fit into Dior size 38 or something.

[A]

Lagerfeld was quite open about his disdain for women larger than a typical Runway model size, which is considered Z0 to 2.

[B]

There you go. Good God. Anything higher to 2. My mom shopped at 16 plus. That was a store.

[A]

But a size 4, he would be like, something to trim down, maybe.

[C]

They're disgusting.

[B]

A4 would be, like double What?

[A]

He prefers the Karl Lagerfeld diet. So he had, like, an actual.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So this is how he ate to get slimmed down.

[B]

You know what? I do very strict hamburgers, man.

[C]

You look great.

[B]

Hamburger diet.

[C]

You look great. You look perfect.

[A]

Yeah, I got this cool guy.

[B]

This remind me of her. Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. He's going back for more. You think he has sweatpants on? You think he's wearing sweat?

[C]

He's giving up.

[B]

Who won it?

[C]

Who won it? Who want it? Anybody in there?

[A]

Some of the girls. I saw them earlier. Getting kind of worked up over this.

[C]

Who does want it? I gotta know. After all these years, I gotta know who wants this.

[A]

You don't feel anything when you see that.

[C]

Not a fight. It's dry and it went inside.

[A]

God, I just don't get it.

[B]

But you can agree that there's someone on this rock in outer space of quill. That's for that guy.

[C]

Yeah, but who is it?

[B]

That's what I want to know, too. But there's somebody. There's somebody.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's not Lagerfeld approved.

[B]

Definitely not. It ain't gonna be a zero.

[A]

To two. Not on.

[B]

Not.

[A]

Apparently. He. He posts videos of himself doing this a lot. Food. Eating it in a sexual way.

[C]

Please don't. I don't want to be sick.

[A]

It's his go to kind.

[C]

And I love pudding.

[B]

Does anybody eat hamburgers like this?

[C]

Tim. Tim and Ryan mask. You. This.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You guys are always. Well, specifically. Specifically you. You're always asking me, oh, that doesn't turn you on at all. His skills. So if you were to see a woman licking a pudding like that and saying, this could be your butthole, would you be turned on?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Regardless of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting because if you would have said dick, I would have been like, nah. But you went butthole. And now I'm thinking, yeah, that could be. All right, look what he's.

[A]

Look at. He's got. Right there.

[C]

Oh, there you go. No comments yet.

[A]

Oh, he's losing sprinkles. He's eating that butthole.

[C]

Outside. Outside of public.

[B]

He's probably on his lunch break. Is he wearing an apron?

[C]

Yeah, he's working.

[B]

This guy's cutting belly.

[C]

Works at the donut shop.

[A]

Imagine you're an employer, and you see.

[B]

That, you're like, damn, damn, damn. You doing, man? I'm on lunch, man. You say it's good, baby.

[C]

Yeah, we got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, no, please, not again.

[B]

Give me a dozen.

[A]

Let me get a dozen classes, man.

[B]

This guy's whole thing is tongue food on the Internet. Yeah.

[A]

He's got a following. How many followers?

[B]

Yeah, tell me.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

122.

[B]

I mean, that's solid for this content, but other.

[A]

Tons of posts like this.

[C]

Yeah, it looks like it.

[A]

Wow. It's all.

[C]

They're always one note ponies, these guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They got one thing on their thumbnail.

[A]

That'S kind of cute. Oh, wow.

[C]

Still.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

What is that, a peach or something?

[C]

No, it's an orange.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You ever seen your kids?

[B]

No, the daughter's never done that.

[A]

You good, Unc? Good? Hell, no.

[B]

People are like, what the. It's halftime at the soccer game. This guy's over, like, doing his videos off to the side and out in public. All right, kids, let's go. Who wants that?

[C]

Because that's always the question.

[B]

Sucking on grapes. Like, what are you doing, man?

[A]

I'm making my content.

[B]

He's consistent. Like, that's the other thing. He's consistent.

[C]

That's all it takes is consistency over time.

[B]

Yeah, but they.

[A]

There's another homeless guy sitting. There's a few he keeps hitting up. Right? Those are. Oh, there's a bunch.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

God. They're all knotted off on.

[B]

Oh, he's.

[C]

He's sentinel.

[A]

You guys turned on by my.

[B]

He's like, y', all, hey, there's someone.

[A]

Like, fingering their own ass. Who's that?

[C]

What's that guy's doing?

[A]

He's reaching down, grabbing his ass.

[B]

Who put this donut. Yeah, what's that?

[A]

What?

[C]

Why is he.

[A]

That person's just out or dead. Jesus. Look at this, though.

[B]

He's pro. He's, like, sort of documenting these. Heroin.

[A]

The.

[B]

The plight of everything going on in the city. And then all of a sudden, it switches to just tongue food. Like, one day he's like, you know, enough of this. Yeah, where is the different. Where's the switch? Where's the switch? This could be you.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Cinnamon waffle. He had the lid on. You got the lid on.

[A]

Look.

[B]

Ah, yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, baby.

[A]

Oh. Oh, God.

[B]

Now I'm getting. Remind me of this female who I used to do this to.

[A]

Someone wrote this. Just gave me a yeast infection. Jesus Christ. Brush your tongue.

[C]

Yes, I had that thought too. It's dirty, bro. God damn, dude. Oh, you nasty.

[A]

No. Oh, all right, stop.

[C]

But you're right. He goes from, like, recording the plight of humanity to like, girl, I'm gonna lick you like a waffle.

[B]

This is terrible. This guy's bent in half. Dead asleep here addicted to heroin, man. Next one's like.

[A]

Okay, so it's funny. Your. His first one is somebody nodded out.

[C]

No likes on that. No comments.

[B]

Mary had a little lamb who snorted a lot of coke.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Everywhere that Mary went, he's got an apron. The cocaine was set to go.

[A]

Okay, so so far, there's no food there. That's the second post.

[C]

Third.

[B]

Oh, oh, rubber band.

[C]

It's a banana pepper.

[A]

Wait, but what's third?

[C]

I think it's a banana puppet.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

He just went.

[A]

He went right to it.

[B]

You know what? Oh.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[C]

Got it. Next. Next. Next.

[A]

Well, it's just cool to see how. How artists evolve. Like, what are they?

[B]

Yeah. You know, artists like yourself.

[C]

Yeah. Yes, thank you. You've noticed my work.

[B]

You wanna.

[A]

You wanna even it out with a layer. Ladies. So here's a please, please.

[C]

Do you Cannon.

[B]

Barbie, eat my as you die. Deceitful, ugly Ken and Barbie, eat my as you die.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

I like her eyes. Like.

[A]

Well, she's missing an eye.

[C]

David Bowie thing.

[B]

Is that slam poetry? What was.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I feel like she's ramping up for a big night tonight. Here's another thing I'm realizing. I know from living in Los Angeles that they give the homeless phones. You know this?

[A]

No, I didn't know that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Homeless. All. All the homeless that used to live right out back of my old building, they all have cell phones. I'm like, what the fuck? They get a cell phone?

[C]

Why? Who are they calling?

[A]

Who provides the phone? Uber city.

[B]

Uber. I guess I really don't look into it, but I know that they all get phones because they all have phones and they're working phones. And I don't know if it's so they can, you know, do their programs or whatever. You can look it up. These people need to stop getting fucking phones. That's what this is.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I'm sure that guy. Does that guy, the. The guy before look like he's a normal guy? No, that guy's not paying a bill. How is he paying a bill? Yeah, he's getting pudding cups and fruit. That's all you can get free somewhere. There's nothing I saw him make. Yeah, there's no steak? No, there's not even any hand. There's no. Where's the McDonald's?

[C]

Yeah, where's the McDonald's?

[B]

He don't have money. He's getting free. Here we go. Look at.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Federal Lifeline program. What's it say?

[C]

Provides free or discounted phone and Internet service to eligible low income households, including those experiencing homelessness.

[B]

Isn't that awesome?

[C]

Yeah, the federal Lifeline program. But why?

[B]

So they could do videos like this.

[C]

Corny videos.

[A]

I want to make a video of me eating an orange.

[B]

This lady's scary as.

[A]

Yeah, that voice too.

[B]

The eye.

[C]

No, she's cool. Don't you guys talk about. She's a witch, dude. You know, you.

[A]

I believe that you brought up steak. Have you seen this? Like, you know, there's all these different phobias that. There's one where, like, people have this fear of, like, how foods might feel or taste to them. This guy is doing like this. I have an extreme fear of trying new foods.

[B]

And today I'm trying steak. This guy's in his.

[A]

I don't know why, but this he's never tried.

[B]

Tricks me out. My biggest concern is that you're a Phillies fan.

[A]

This is gonna be very chewy.

[B]

I think I've said before that I.

[A]

Don'T do well with chewy.

[C]

It is chewy. You're right.

[A]

The smell is really strong.

[B]

Steak. Where the fuck have you been on a steak? You've never smelled a steak? You've Been to a cookout, motherfucker. That appealing.

[A]

I feel like that's a big piece.

[B]

But.

[C]

But it doesn't look good. I will say in all fairness, like, yeah.

[A]

For steak. Steak, dude. He's like, hold on.

[B]

Why is it angering me so much?

[C]

But it looks like it was boiled. It doesn't look.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

[C]

Yeah. Nasty.

[B]

It's bothering you because you're a father.

[A]

This.

[B]

This is unacceptable. I want to punch this. Where is this man's father?

[C]

Father? Yeah, for sure.

[B]

100% right.

[C]

Well.

[B]

Well, the homeless guy.

[C]

Let's see.

[B]

He had a dad.

[C]

It's chewy.

[B]

He definitely had a dad.

[A]

He smelled steak before.

[B]

My dad loved me.

[A]

Did it.

[C]

He likes it.

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

You like it?

[A]

I did it.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

I can't believe I swallowed that.

[C]

That's awesome.

[B]

Wow, that's.

[A]

That's a big victory.

[B]

I swallowed it. I swallowed it.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

What is he eating?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I swallowed it.

[A]

I did. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

[C]

Steak, bro.

[B]

Please put this in a gay porn. Please put this under a gay porn.

[A]

A six out of ten.

[B]

That was six out of six out of ten. You're right, though.

[A]

It does.

[B]

It looks like one of those people that used to broil a steak back, throw it in the bottom of the oven and shit.

[C]

Yeah, that doesn't look like a good one.

[A]

This is avoidant. Restrictive food intake disorder.

[B]

I've dealt with this.

[A]

You have?

[B]

My daughter's a picky eater, and she's. She's not like, this is ridiculous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's not scared of food, but she's like, if she wants Mac and cheese, it's got to be Annie's White Mac and cheese. She ain't around craft, so it's. I'll eat it, but it's. I want this particular one. And it's a comfort thing. So we. I went to. We talked to a doctor about it and stuff, and her brother was the same way.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

He's a very picky eater, but he. But then he would eat like, salmon and stink, but he would just. These things that he liked.

[C]

He's like an ocd.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Sounds like.

[B]

So we were like, what could we do? And they were like, this is the best part. They're like, nothing. They're gonna grow out of it.

[C]

It.

[B]

They said. They said most times what happens. And this is the beauty of life still is like, your kids are going to get to high school, they're going to be hanging out with all their friends. And their friends are going to look at and be like, that's what the. You eat. And start clowning them like, you don't eat hot dogs. You know what I mean? And they're gonna be, oh, my. And then they're either gonna start eating hot dogs, they're gonna be this guy.

[C]

Yeah, okay, so this guy just never.

[B]

Had friends or a dad right here. This guy's right. Probably by three women and a grandma, I'm saying, over there. And no one could cook. No one bullied this motherfucker. No brothers to fuck him up. Not even a sister to be like, listen, you pussy. I feel like you'd have been a great sister for this guy, you know? Like, listen, you little fucking pussy.

[A]

Eat the fucking.

[B]

We're grilling the steak tonight, okay? You'll like it.

[A]

Unreal.

[C]

I know. It's so good to bully just a little.

[B]

You need it.

[C]

Like, there's this great.

[B]

Listen also. It's not bully.

[C]

Like, it's not bully. Bullying is a relentless tough love has.

[B]

Been turned into bullying. You need a little Swiss swift kick in the ass. We all need it. There's not one of us that can look back on that and go, I didn't need that.

[C]

Of course.

[B]

You know.

[C]

Do you. Have you seen that video where it's a bunch of cholos and they're just giggling, laughing in their car as they drive past a bunch of nerds in their furry outfits? It's like the most simple. It was just like old school. Like. Like they're not saying anything. They're just like cholos laughing at a nerd.

[A]

At furries.

[C]

Furries, dude.

[A]

And it was like, you know, the.

[B]

Furries are like, yeah, whatever, guys. You guys coyote running over there.

[C]

But it's like, yeah, you should be a little ashamed. Like, you should try to conceal your weirdness a little. Right? Don't go walking in certain neighborhoods, you know?

[B]

You know, if you have this, it's also. It's okay. Yeah, Keep it off the Internet. What are you doing? You have be like, you have a mental illness on top of it. You know what I mean? You have a mental illness on top of it. Like, guy, I'm scared of potato chips, so I'm gonna sit down and eat. These guys, say, oh, God, what the fuck are you doing? Just eat them. Scared in your house.

[C]

Yeah, I know. It's like the people who are having a nervous breakdown and then they stop and get a phone to cry in front of the phone and then post the video.

[A]

That's insane.

[C]

Like, what?

[B]

The crying. What are you doing, guys? And it's the guys. I can't believe what's happening right now. Yeah, they're here taking my child right now.

[A]

My child's being taken.

[B]

I'm doing these food videos and they're taking my children. Yeah. The most down to help the kids. I'm going live, guys. I'm going live.

[A]

I can get some good engagement off of these tears.

[C]

Yeah. Literally. Can you. Even the last time I cried, that's the last thing in my. My heart. Like I should reach for my pride.

[B]

I mean, in the last six months, it's been every other day, probably. I ain't streaming it. You know, I'm saying I'm just having a little power cry and I'm done. I mean, we keep that.

[A]

Why aren't you using it for likes, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I use it for hates. I feel like.

[A]

So, hey, first of all, congrats on the special. We haven't even said that.

[B]

Thank you, guys.

[C]

Congratulations.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[A]

It's on your YouTube channel right now.

[B]

Streaming right now. Go watch it now. Live and alive on my YouTube.

[A]

Shot in LA.

[B]

Nope. Self produced again in. Shot at Comedy on State in Madison.

[A]

Oh, and mad, which you know is.

[B]

One of the greatest clubs in the country. Comedy on on State. Yes, the best. So, yeah, I did two shows there and it was awesome. They the. I was worried because I had never been there. I didn't get there till November the year before. And then I started talking to Jesse and all the guys working there and they're like, you know, we're doing this. And I was like, I want to do. I want to do it here then. And I was worried I wouldn't sell tickets. And the fans came through, man. It was Tom Papa next door that night. They had Stavros, Trevor Wallace and Sam Morill coming in at the theater all in that same week.

[C]

Week.

[A]

Wow. And you still.

[B]

Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin still showed up and showed out. Sold out. Two shows we shot it. Very different from my last special. And it's all about, you know, everything that happened and then the aftermath. And I thank you in there, by the way. I talked about our conversation in the hospital.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

I also told our meeting Brad Pitt story, my version of what happened and also want to thank you all jokes aside, for real, because listen, I'm gonna get emotional. Oh, no, no, it's okay. Can't believe I'm crying. Let me get my phone out. Somebody can somebody. You got everything rolling. I'm crying at a Hamburger costume. No. When I got out of the hospital, I'm on a walker. I can't do a lap around my pool. I can't do anything. I'm high on drugs the whole time in there, and I'm Amazon and like, a. Yeah. I'm just. I'm paypaling people I didn't know, and they didn't send it back. I'm just sending money. I'm like, who?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I get home, and there's so much in my apartment, and I'm in the single dad place at the time. I don't have ac. I got to go outside to do laundry and quarters. I'm a very clean person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've always been a clean person. I like my place clean. I like it orderly, and I couldn't get up to help myself. And you sent me cleaning ladies who came over and cleaned my place and were so sweet, and I. And thank you. I can't tell you how much, like, I'm just laying on a couch feeling like a loser, watching these people clean. I can't go out. I can't. You know what I mean? Like, I would have loved to have been like, I'll let you ladies clean, and I'll go out and do something. I'm just laying there, like, they're just cleaning around me, and I'm like, oh, God, this is terrible. So thank you.

[C]

I'm sad that I couldn't be there in person, but I'm glad we could help from Texas. So I'm. And I'm so happy that you're back and that you're with us today. And I've got a new special. You've resurrected yourself. The phoenix has risen from the ashes.

[B]

I lift and everything I'm feeling new Everything.

[C]

Hamburglar Rescue.

[A]

You went through it, man. You really went through it.

[B]

We both did great.

[A]

Christina, I did tell you I got Invisalign.

[B]

Hold on, man. I'm sorry. Yeah, man. That's three.

[A]

The three of us.

[B]

That's gonna hurt your teeth.

[A]

Three of us?

[B]

Yeah, we did.

[A]

The three of us.

[B]

Yeah. You know, we went through it.

[A]

You had your spinal issue. You had cancer. But I. My teeth were. That sucked.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, listen, you guys have the best fans. They. They always treat me well. I want to say thank you to the mommies out there, because I know you're gonna go watch. I know you're gonna support like you always do, but. But I want to thank them, too, because I see sometimes you guys put polls up, and you're like, who's your favorite guest and everything. And I go look because I'm competitive and.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

These throw Ryan Sickler up. Okay. Way more than I thought.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, I damn. All right, all right. So thank you. Thank you all.

[A]

Check out the special.

[B]

Thank you, guys. Watch the special live and alive on my YouTube streaming now. Honeydew, way back. RyanCickler.com Ryan Sickle on all your social media. Rob Roberts.

[C]

We do have the best fans, though. Hashtag blessed. No, there's nobody better than a mommy.

[B]

Nope.

[C]

They're always cool. We went to when we were in Florida, shout out to Harrison.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Our guy that hooked us up in our hotel, like, the coolest.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Like, we ended up hanging out with.

[B]

Him at the end of the trip.

[C]

Because he's a mommy. That's how you know right away. You're like, oh, you're cool. Because you like guys that lick pudding cups and you like to laugh at people that have severe mental illness.

[A]

Like, is. You know, the lobby. You can get your coffees over here. He goes, bird's pretty fat, huh?

[B]

Hell, yeah. He slipped it in like that. Yeah, I love it too, because I'll go to, like, I'll go to a club, and then somebody will come up to me or I'll have my daughter out with me at the mall. Somebody come up, like, love Joe and ymh, man, that guy tongue those pudding cups. I'm like, thanks, guys. Appreciate that, Mommy. Last time, my daughter came with me to promote the last special, and you guys had her Screaming calls for Dr. Drew. Yeah. She's like, dad, this same guy kept calling using different voices, trying to trick us. I was like, jesus Christ. The Drew calls. That's what we're screening. She's hip.

[A]

Yeah. I got some horrible hilarious to show you. Oh, you tell me what you think. Oh.

[B]

Dude, he's gonna be in the hospital like I was for three weeks.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, that back's done.

[C]

His back you can't see.

[B]

Is he in a clan outfit?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, he's a space.

[C]

He's the grand wizard.

[B]

It kind of looked like it.

[C]

Or is he a beekeeper?

[A]

He broke two vertebrae in his back.

[B]

Broke him.

[C]

Yeah. Once you start breaking back bits, too, it's not good.

[B]

Here's the other thing.

[C]

Don't break your back.

[B]

No one loved that guy enough to say, okay, let's say you hit the ball perfectly.

[A]

Where.

[B]

Where are you going after that? Like, what's the plan then? Are you gonna try to just. You think you're just gonna casually, like, Jump off and walk out of that. Are you gonna flip? Like there's no good end.

[C]

There's no pad for him.

[B]

There's no land.

[C]

None. Can we see it again, please?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He didn't even touch the ball.

[A]

He didn't?

[C]

No, he just cleared it. Brew.

[A]

Okay, you ready?

[B]

This guy walking in the back, look, she walks away. She's like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get outta here.

[C]

I'm a space invader.

[B]

And this is where you lay. That I swallowed. Wasn't that bad. I swallowed it right after. That sounded six out of ten.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's kind of hilarious if you do it like that.

[C]

Here's the thing, though. He's wearing, like a kid's costume.

[A]

Yeah, he was doing a bit. He was doing it as a bit.

[B]

Yeah, because that man. Oh, oh, man, that's. Yeah, let's hear it.

[C]

You deserve it.

[B]

Just go.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

He could have lost some weight anyway.

[C]

Your outfit's terrible and you're fat.

[B]

That's what he's telling the guy right here over top of the.

[A]

You're fat.

[C]

Karl Lagerfeld comes to help.

[A]

Your outfit sucks.

[C]

You're fat. Your outfit is terrible. You deserve everything you get.

[B]

It's kind of making sense to me now, knowing you all these years. This has sort of been your inner voice, kind of, huh?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Really putting it all together.

[C]

Oh, my God. Listen, when I was recovering from my last. My top surgery, you know, my last procedure.

[B]

Not the brow lift.

[C]

No, this is after my brow lift. I have my tits redone, you know, from cancer. And then. And I got deep into him and I was like, what is it about a German self loathing? Calls everybody fat, workaholic, OCD asexual homosexual. He's just a freak show. And at the time, I totally connected. I don't know.

[A]

That's who you connect to.

[C]

Self loathing.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

He really tickled me.

[B]

You healed me.

[C]

Slagerfield healed me. I can't explain it. Why do you resonate. Why do you think I resonated with Lagerfeld?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Maybe because he was a freak and I felt like a freak having just had surgery, you know?

[B]

Well, yeah, you're definitely not your normal self. I mean, if we're gonna talk about it for real for a second, like, parts of you that came into this world are no longer here.

[C]

Yeah, I'm an amputee.

[B]

You're a different. I never even looked at it.

[C]

That's. That's what you are. You. You. Yeah, you're you're are ladies who go through mastectomy. Yeah.

[B]

That's an amputee.

[C]

You're literally not.

[B]

I mean, I never looked at. I always thought amputee would be just.

[A]

Just.

[B]

Just leg or limb.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No. Well, my titties are limbs. Titties are. Yeah. It's a part of your body that's no longer with you.

[A]

I never thought of that either.

[B]

Never even knew that. What if you get one?

[C]

Are you jealous now?

[A]

I mean, it's just like.

[C]

You don't think it's hot.

[A]

I mean, this stuff's gone.

[C]

Yeah. But then I had my stomach fat made into my tits, so I'm tits now. I'm hot again.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I got a tummy tuck.

[A]

You look great. You look great.

[B]

And I told you those mommy makeovers are killer. I told you.

[C]

Can I say, I used to be. Not against plastic surgery, but I wouldn't understand it. Now I'm like, go get it fixed. Go fucking go get surgery. Fix it. You don't like your fat stomach? Make. Make it nice.

[A]

I wrote of men that are now doing it.

[C]

I know, but not good. A lot of them are not good.

[A]

Got to pay for the notable actors getting it. And you're like, it's going to be.

[B]

A while before somebody finds the Demi Moore, Kris Jenner plastic surgeon in the mail field.

[C]

Yeah, it's gonna be a minute before they do that. Well, whoever's did Brad Pitt's face is good. You guys are friends with him.

[B]

Just text him, I love you. Hit him up.

[A]

He looks great. But there's other actors. We don't have to name them. No, we don't look great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[C]

And it's because if you have so much money, you should just pay.

[B]

I know. I used to Write promos for Dr. 90210.

[C]

I was telling you this back in.

[B]

The day, and I hated it. I would cover my eyes and. And I'd be screaming with headphones on just at my desk going, no, no. And they're like, you watch a Dr. Dino 2? And I'm like, yeah, I hated it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The nose jobs were the brute. I had no. I didn't know how violent they are when you're out the.

[A]

The.

[B]

The lipo.

[A]

That's aggressive.

[B]

I had no idea.

[C]

But yeah, I can't wait.

[B]

And I saw. And most of those guys were working. They were trying to fix a botch job. So they're coming in and they're like, I'm gonna do the best I can for you. It was a Lot of what I was seeing. But the mommy makeovers, every one of them were so well done. Even back then that I even told you when I was like, good for you. Because that's the one surgery I saw again and again where I was like, this consistently looks good.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I mean for you.

[C]

Yeah, that my stomach is flat for the first time and I've got boobs again because I put that fat into my chest and then now I have to go back for a revision and then I can probably lipo my thighs too.

[B]

So yeah, that's bonus. That's why you. That's why you resonated with him. Cuz you're like, look, man, I'm. I'm not the same person. And all of you can yourself. It's two middle fingers from here on out. You're fat. Yeah, you. You're fat. You're not fat anymore.

[C]

You know, I'm like eastbound and down. What's his name? That's what I feel like.

[A]

Kenny Powers.

[C]

Kenny Powers. Yeah. I don't give a. I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh God, no.

[C]

Poor horse. The guy.

[B]

This is back to back paralyzations. That is.

[C]

That is a horse.

[A]

You know what the aftermath says?

[B]

What?

[A]

They're stating that man is still alive.

[B]

No, that's just a lie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sucking on a straw.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Holy. What does a horse weigh? What's an average horse weigh?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Is it 2,000 pounds? No, no.

[C]

10 tons.

[B]

10 tons? 2,000 pounds.

[A]

What's the average weight of a grown.

[C]

6,000 pounds?

[A]

A thousand pounds?

[B]

Half a ton.

[C]

Okay, yeah, cuz they're evil.

[B]

But, but all. It's like that horse went up. Oh man, I used to do that to my brother when he jumped on my back.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Oh man, that horse did that before that horse.

[C]

Because that horse wants to kill people. Horses are killers.

[B]

That horse looked like it was geared up like, let me get a good foot.

[C]

And you know, the horse knew that the mud was slippery.

[B]

The horse knew.

[C]

The horse knew. And that's how I wanted to kill that man.

[A]

Slipping right here.

[C]

Well, the horse.

[B]

Let me see it one more time. Wait, does it get. Does that where it ends? Does he get up?

[A]

No, it just ends, right?

[B]

Oh, we don't see how pushed down in the mud he is. Dude, that guy's gotta have. He's got to be everything, everything. He's still alive. Everybody.

[A]

He's alive. How's he doing? I said he's alive. Yeah, he's alive.

[B]

Blessed day. He's alive. Still breathing above ground. That still above ground.

[C]

Like.

[B]

Like he's in. Yeah, but how is. We had to pull him out of the ground.

[C]

He's above it half a ton of. And it slams on.

[B]

Dropped on him. Not just like, oh, a horse tipped over force. He jumped. So that's even like a WWE for real. That's. That is 100 of wrestling.

[C]

So all the bones are probably his ribs or something.

[B]

Lungs probably collapse. That's what they call them now. Yeah, like your wig. A powder wig.

[C]

Yeah, well, him.

[B]

That is stupid horse.

[A]

Oh, all right. Let me help you out.

[B]

Oh, no, no. Is it solder? Oh, that thing's going.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

What's he doing? He's trying to hold a tree. Oh, what the.

[C]

Did the chainsaw cut her? Was the chainsaw.

[B]

That's what it looked like?

[A]

No, because it. When it swung, it has a emergency. Yeah, cut off.

[C]

God. That's what I was worried about.

[B]

That guy does not look like he'd have a chainsaw with an emergency. You know what I mean? This guy looks like. I got a vest in the car. I can cut this.

[A]

Holy. No one got hurt in this one.

[C]

Oh, please.

[A]

That's what it says. No.

[B]

No injuries, no electricity. I was waiting for that thing.

[A]

I know. I was really waiting for, like, everyone to die. I thought that's what we were gonna say.

[C]

That was like a fake out.

[A]

I saw one the other day. I saw a torture video the other day on Instagram, bro.

[B]

This is what your husband. Your husband sends me my Twitter feed, my, excuse me, Instagram feed is literally people getting murdered.

[C]

Yeah, I don't.

[B]

Day to day somebody walking up like this y n. Shooting out this cop. And I'm like, what the. This old lady in the grocery store is shooting this guy with a flare gun in the face. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

[C]

Every day, babe, what do you think my life is with this psychopath? I'm. I'm drifting off to sleep the other night, and I. I wake up a little bit to this part of the Ed Gein news story on Netflix, where I'm sure it's a spoiler alert. All you sickos that are watching this show where he's wearing his mommy's lingerie and masturbating, and I'm like, this is what you're putting in your head before you go.

[B]

Just as you drift along, he's in the broad panties. He's, like, joking himself and he's laughing.

[C]

Look at him. Lol.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's so dark. I can't. Why are you like this? I just can't get it, man. And always before bed. Ryan. And then. And then during the day, he's sending you things of people being murdered. Oh, so it's. It's 20.

[B]

Dying on Carnival rides, murders.

[C]

It's not just night time now. This.

[B]

This is.

[C]

Now it's clicking for me.

[B]

I'm worried I'm gonna. I've seen some of this already, but I haven't. These are all good.

[A]

These are all good.

[B]

Honestly, no offense. Tom would have never sent me this one right here. No, nothing happened. This is one he would never see. Let me tell you.

[A]

Circle.

[B]

It could be worse. He could send you worse. He does. No, he does.

[A]

And he's talking about stuff that gets him fired up, and it's not everybody.

[C]

So you have different categories.

[A]

He's a whole different category.

[B]

Do you remember the time I was featuring for you in Indianapolis? Do you remember this?

[C]

I thought you're gonna say India.

[B]

I was like, you guys went to crackers.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And we shared a condo together. And you're like, hey, check this out.

[C]

Out.

[B]

Do you remember this?

[A]

What was.

[B]

And we sat down on a couch side by side, and you put a laptop in front of me. And it starts with just a glass.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm just watching, like, what the. And then this guy comes in.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you know what?

[C]

Yeah. And he sits on it. You think I didn't live with this guy?

[B]

And then it breaks.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's pulling pieces. Audio was on. He's pulling shards out. Out casually.

[A]

Yeah, he.

[B]

And if you look, he's got scars everywhere. It's not his first rodeo. And I'm just screaming so much blood. Like, if that was me, I'm calling 911 knock this guy. You hear the glass hitting the floor. And the whole time, what I don't know is he's recording a reaction video. And I didn't know that that was big. That was. Remember, two girls, one cup. But then the reaction videos got stupid, too. This is screaming like, what the.

[A]

I did that. I did that same video to my dad when I was at visiting them. I had my dad watch it, and he was like, oh. It's like, oh, no. Oh, no.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

What the hell's wrong with this guy? And then I did it to. I did it to my sisters that they all. They both flipped out. I don't think I did it to Charo.

[C]

You did it to Charo.

[A]

Did I do it to Charo?

[C]

You did it to Charo. You did it in Florida. I remember we were In Florida.

[B]

That's not a good one for us.

[C]

He shows me that when we were living in our like shitty one bedroom apartment, we were newly weds and I was like, yeah. I'm like, did I just marry the craziest person? I'm tied to you for life.

[B]

And then you go in and the juxtaposition is John Goodman's over the. So great. This is why you guys are meant to be together, right there.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's why you're meant to be together.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

How about this one? I got one more for you.

[C]

Oh, oh, oh. I know it's.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

My God.

[B]

Oh, and it fell on her.

[C]

Just too fat.

[A]

Obviously she's hurt. The girl under got hurt.

[B]

She's concussed and like her neck. Let's see that again.

[A]

That's probably.

[B]

She hit hard as fuck.

[A]

The one underneath broke her leg. She broke her leg? Yeah.

[B]

Let's see it again.

[A]

That's like 360 just dropping on you, bro.

[B]

That's like the horse again.

[C]

Yeah, I was gonna say. Okay, so she gets smacked in time.

[B]

Oh, there's the leg break. Oh, I saw it that time.

[C]

It was the angle.

[B]

What was the prize for this game? This lady got fucked up so bad.

[A]

She also, like, clearly you. You didn't get the chair. Like, she straight up just fucking knocked somebody out of the chair. I think if.

[B]

If it was just these two ladies left, she ain't getting on that chair. You know what I'm saying? Like, why are you fighting for it? You weren't fitting on it. If you go back and watch again, watch she hits the blue lady first. And that lady's like, ah, See if. Go back to the beginning of it again right here. I think she tries to get on this chair. Watch the lady in the blue looks like she gets like squeezed. Oh, see? Looks like she leaned in her. Oh, God.

[A]

You hear the scream there? That scream is her leg breaking. How.

[C]

Yeah, pissed are you? How mad are you at this fat? Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

If there's any time to channel that intervals. My God. Could you imagine if she just switched that voice like, you fat piece of.

[C]

You. You're a fat piece of piece of bro. I don't think I could be friends with somebody that broke my leg like that. I would have to be like, we're done. We're done, homie. Well, like, you up my. You broke my leg, bro. Like, for a musical chair, you could.

[B]

Be friends with somebody that was in regular shape that took any game like that that aggressively, that broke your leg, let alone £400. Coming down on that.

[C]

My little kids take this game, this seriously. Like two, three adult women.

[B]

Does she get up after that?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

No way.

[A]

This just.

[B]

Yeah, this looks like a church hallway.

[C]

And these people are nerds.

[A]

You know, these chicks should know not to play with her, too. You don't play games like that with someone that big. Like. No, no, no. You're the champ. That's what you tell her. That's this champ right here. We don't ever even play with her.

[C]

You know what the other problem is with these fingerless gloves? Is that your palms sweat wet, but the tips stay dry. I'm not sure if he liked.

[A]

Maybe he liked that.

[B]

That might be the. The loop.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, the Miyagi.

[C]

Yeah. Because it's creating moisture in places I don't. I'm not using.

[B]

And I was thinking to myself, damn, I have a high sex drive like a bunny rabbit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Only problem is I got no one to.

[C]

That's the only problem.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

That's the only problem. Everything else is awesome.

[B]

Everything else is great, man.

[A]

Yeah, everything's cool. Except for that.

[B]

I'm Ryan, and I want to be recognized by some of the hottest women here on Instagram.

[C]

Oh, cool.

[A]

So spread the word.

[C]

You got it.

[A]

I would turn the volume down on the TV if you're doing the videos. Yeah, yeah, but Ryan's doing his thing.

[B]

He's doing all right. I mean, it's. Listen, last time I was here, he loved Black Jeff, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[B]

And these are two back to back videos where he doesn't mention it. So has he moved on?

[A]

I don't know if you get, you know, burned enough. Maybe sometimes you go, I have a new reference.

[C]

I don't know, though. Hey, hot, take. Men generally like what they like. They don't deviate, do they? I thought your boner is just programmed for what it likes.

[A]

True.

[C]

Can you switch what your boner wants?

[B]

I don't think you could switch what your boner wants, but I don't think everyone's boner is the same forever.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, your boner can evolve.

[B]

Well, it needs to. Because if you're a teenager, well, I mean.

[C]

Oh, right. I see.

[B]

Your boner better evolve.

[C]

But I'm saying, like, can you go from liking black women your whole life, and then one day you wake up and you're like, you know what? It's Asians. I'm actually into Asians.

[B]

I mean, I guess you could, but is that.

[A]

What if he starts getting some attention from a group? Then he goes, oh, maybe I am into. Just because he's getting the attention, you know?

[C]

Oh, so it's just whatever's available.

[B]

I never understood any man that was like, I'm not really into black girls or Asians or whatever. I'm like, look at yourself.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Why are you eliminating the pool for yourself? You know what I mean? Like, nah, I just need a. A blonde lady that's, you know, five.

[C]

Six size zero to two odorly.

[B]

Why are we doing that?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I think for me it's. I don't know. Personality is a huge thing. Obviously. Obviously, that's. That's the best part. And then, you know, I don't know. I've been with different ladies that. Different reasons, different types.

[C]

You don't have like one aesthetic type. I'm just saying, personality aside, like one aesthetic type. A look now that your boner just goes, yep. No, that's my look.

[B]

No, like. Like all Dominicans are my thing.

[C]

Yeah. No, no. What about you, boner killer?

[A]

No, I mean, boners, you know, they're. They're just like different treats in the night, you know?

[C]

Different treats in the night.

[A]

You just pick up a treat and you're like, oh, I got a boner.

[B]

Yeah, we'll get your dick hard, Carl.

[A]

What about you, Carl?

[B]

About you, Carl?

[C]

I like dandies. He had a little dandy boyfriend, this cute little French kid.

[A]

You think you'd be into that?

[C]

No, you know, I no to Fay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I like whatever Tom is like. I like kind of. Well, can I bring this up, Meat stick?

[B]

Cut this out if you want to. You say that though. But prior to time, I believe you dated an Asian guy. Did you?

[A]

Not for five years.

[B]

Oh, I see. I didn't know it was that long. So. So did you date Tom's type prior to the Asian guy? Like, what was your high school type? Were you goth guys then?

[C]

Yes. Goth guys.

[B]

Was that it though? You know, like, I gotta have a goth boyfriend. Or would you have gone with a jock even though you were goth?

[C]

Never. I would never go with a jock.

[B]

Never.

[C]

So, hey, yeah, my aesthetic type. Here's what I like. Blue eyes. I always liked blue eyes. That was always what I was, a sucker for dark hair. I don't like blondes. Well, that's different. Yeah, Aesthetically and then. But the personality. I'm like you where personality trumps all. So I don't. I didn't. It's not the package. It's it's not the case. It's the whole thing. Thing for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm way over being like, oh, that. That lady's hot. That lady's a. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I don't even give a. Yeah.

[C]

Because I think as a woman too, you're. You're ha. You're blessed to be selective. Right? Especially if you're somewhat attractive woman. You've got your. You pick. And I knew the boys that were really, really, like, traditionally good looking were players like the guys that had the game and everything. I just didn't trust them.

[A]

Personality does trump everything, though, for sure.

[C]

Because every beauty fades.

[B]

I probably shouldn't say this, sure being the Hamburglar, but I do prefer cheeseburgers, if I'm being honest. I probably shouldn't say it ruin my whole brand, but Robble.

[A]

Robble. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's my type. So I have just arrived at Cafe food and I'm very excited about for what's to come. So when you first walk in, you know, it's actually very clean. Like it doesn't give, you know, cafe.

[C]

The menu, it doesn't give. Hi. Hi.

[A]

How are you?

[B]

Can I ask you, how do you pronounce the name of the cafe? Are these like the little pants?

[C]

Yes, I can give you that for free. This all named Cafe.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Have you seen the college kid with the last name?

[A]

Oh, yeah, Noah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you seen that?

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah, that guy's gonna. He's gonna have.

[A]

He's merchandise.

[C]

What?

[A]

Tell me he has merch already.

[B]

He does, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Well, what is it?

[A]

It's. It's a. His last name is K. N I G, G A. There he is.

[B]

There he is.

[A]

He's a white guy.

[B]

He's a white guy.

[A]

Apparently. Balls out too.

[B]

He's these.

[A]

Yeah, there he is.

[C]

You'd think you'd change the last.

[B]

You'd think you would. I'm sure you don't pronounce it like.

[A]

That, like you're supposed to.

[B]

Yeah. This is one of the versions where the K is not silent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? This is not night. But he's definitely K, N, I G.

[C]

H, T. I'm gonna take a rough. I think a guess and just say he's in the south, which is why no one wouldn't happen in California, I think.

[A]

So.

[B]

Where is he from?

[C]

What's eastern Michigan?

[A]

See, there was a kind of a popular a meme when he was getting recruited that people would say, like, you know, we need to beef up Our defense. And then they would tag him and they go, I think I know A. And then they would post that on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Yeah. Noah gets like. It's kind of perfect. Yeah, yeah. He's at Eastern Michigan.

[B]

Oh, he's a Spartan. He's a Spartan.

[A]

That's pretty wild, dude.

[C]

Yeah. Broad. I don't know, dude.

[A]

Yeah, he's from Lawrenceburg, Indiana. Yeah, Everybody knows him in college ball, man. Everybody knows him. That's amazing.

[C]

It's pronounced. I don't even want to say it. I don't see the.

[B]

A athlete.

[A]

His family have clarified, despite the pellet is not pronounced like that. It is hard. Kanega. Nah, nah.

[C]

This is a lie. What? In what language?

[A]

Well, yeah, it's that so that you can get through life. That's why they changed it.

[B]

His dad is going through this his whole life. Could you imagine meeting Tom and that's his last name.

[C]

You're like, one day wouldn't date.

[B]

Gotta marry this guy.

[C]

I wouldn't. I'd be like dark hair, though. I know, I know.

[A]

Kanae.

[B]

Just call him knowing. Yeah, I know.

[A]

And yeah.

[B]

What can I say?

[C]

I. I understand Hitler. Oh.

[B]

But I think he did some wrong things. Yes, absolutely. But, but, but I. I can see him sitting in. In his bunker. In the end.

[C]

He'S like, what?

[B]

There will come a point at the end of this. Oh, I really wanted to be a Jew.

[C]

And I.

[B]

And then I found out that I was really a Nazi.

[A]

Nice. That's Lars von Trier.

[C]

Wow. Oh, I didn't realize.

[B]

What the hell is that? I don't know what film.

[A]

Yeah, he's at.

[C]

Yeah, that's an old. That's an old movie. Yeah, that's an old one. Wow.

[A]

What can I say?

[B]

I bet I understand Hitler.

[C]

She's like. She's like, please stop.

[B]

Yeah. She's like, I'm in this movie. I'm sitting right next to you. This is Mike Myers with Kanye when he's like George Bush.

[A]

I promise there's a point at the end.

[C]

Okay. Nobody needs it.

[B]

What's that point?

[C]

You don't have to share your thoughts.

[A]

What's the point?

[C]

But this movie came.

[A]

The point is, I found out I'm a Nazi.

[C]

Oh, it's Kirsten Dunst sitting next to him. Poor girl. She's like, could you shut it?

[A]

Look like her.

[C]

And she's German too.

[A]

Yeah. His latest announcement, I'm a Nazi and I understand Hitler. He also jokingly claimed he was writing a four hour long hardcore porn film. It would be Said it contained a lot of very, very unpleasant sex. The Nazi remarks were jestingly made in response to a question about his German roots. Would probably spell career suicide if uttered outside the rarefied atmosphere of the Cannes Film Festival, and indeed may yet.

[B]

Okay, also go yourself with the rarefied. So. So the canned film festivals, where we can say whatever the we want now all of a sudden. Not comedy clubs or Internet or anywhere else. Now we got to go there to fucking be racist and fucking.

[C]

You know, French are. Are though. They're also open about everything. The French.

[B]

The French.

[C]

They let all the sex offenders go live there.

[A]

I don't know. How long are you in Austin for?

[B]

I'm leaving tonight.

[A]

Well, you know, you still have time to go by the dollar Tree if you want to check that out. There's.

[B]

There's one. A good one here.

[A]

There's a good one here. Yeah, it's right.

[B]

Oh, you on the ground.

[C]

Because I pushed a button to make me and you talk. My. I have diabetes. I'm calling the police.

[B]

In the middle of the.

[C]

Where's the.

[A]

It's on the walkway there, right near Foot Locker there. Yeah.

[B]

Did she say I pushed the button.

[A]

And it made me.

[B]

I have diabetes. I'm calling the police. It's a hell of a run.

[A]

Right. Right there.

[B]

Go inside and get some dollar toilet paper and wipe your ass.

[A]

I work for the government right there.

[B]

By subway. She said I work for.

[A]

Yeah. Unreal.

[B]

She's the people.

[A]

Push the button. It made me. I don't. What's the logic there?

[C]

Which button makes her. What's the button. The door button.

[A]

I don't understand.

[C]

Which button makes her.

[A]

Smelling like freaking kaka.

[B]

Have you ever really gotten close to one in public? Dangerously close to one?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You have?

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Wait. Myself.

[B]

I mean, like, where you got to do like a lady like that close.

[C]

Wait, what do you mean? Like, where you took a.

[A]

And someone like you're almost about to.

[B]

Or you in public.

[A]

Public.

[B]

Have you ever had.

[C]

I mean, I've started.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

On a plane. I started on a plane. On plane to Africa because I had tacos at the Atlantic Airport.

[A]

15 hours, 80 hours.

[C]

It was right after the dinner service, and we were gonna take a nap, and now I just. Yeah, I just sharted. And then I was like, dude. And I went in the bathroom, but thankfully I had an extra pair of. Of underwear and my carry on because I. I was a seasoned traveler, and you never just check it all in. So I had an extra underwear and I was okay on the way to Africa. But don't eat tacos on an international flight. If I could suggest one thing to.

[A]

You, today she went to the international terminal pre about to board a 15 hour flight from Atlanta, Johannesburg. She's like, you want to get tacos? I was like, good. I'm pretty good right now. She was like, those tacos. An hour later, she's like, I messed up.

[C]

I myself on the plane. Yeah, but that's why you should always take an extra pair of chunks and sweatpants on the plane.

[A]

You'd actually. That's a really good thing.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

Shout out to Jeff Tate. I travel with wet wipes all the time.

[C]

Oh, that's huge.

[A]

I really encountered in life was actually you. You were the one who taught me back in like in. In Sherman Oaks. I was like, you're like, oh, yeah, you think you're clean. This is how you know you're clean. And then I was just like, okay. But then every time I was on the road with Tate, if I was like, I got to the venue, I was like, I think I got a. He'd reach in his bag, he'd go, here you go. And I go, what? He's like, don't you want wipes? And I was like, oh, yeah. And then it finally took a few times before I started traveling with him.

[B]

And plus, I dated a girl from Argentina years and years.

[A]

I remember this.

[B]

And she was the one that told me that.

[C]

That.

[B]

And she said the same thing to me. She goes, you think your ass is clean? Go in there and take one of these baby wipes. And I was like, oh, my God, all these years, why are we using dry paper? People say it all the time. If you had on your arm, you wouldn't take a dry napkin and just do that. No, it'd be like, I'm good for the day.

[A]

Good now. No, my ass itches a little bit.

[B]

So yeah, I'm baby wipes all the way, man. Hell yeah.

[C]

Well, we are a total washlet household exclusively. I like the spray in my ass.

[B]

I get that too. But I spray and I baby wipe.

[C]

What?

[A]

Oh, there's nice scent to it.

[C]

That's crazy. Cuz here's the deal, man.

[A]

Someone's face can be.

[B]

I used to work a job one time, a writing job, and we didn't have any. We had one toilet and it was a small thing and everyone knew who was going. And I was like, I can't sit here all day with my ass. And we didn't have baby wipes. So I I swear to God, I would use. I think your dad used them. The Lysol wipes.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I would take those with bleach on them and get back there and clean my ass.

[C]

You're not supposed to.

[B]

You're definitely. It tingles.

[A]

It's a tingle.

[C]

You're not supposed.

[B]

It's a different tingle than a tingle, I'll tell you that. It's definitely a different tingle.

[A]

It makes you feel alive. It's like smelling salts. You're like.

[B]

It's like a little firecracker to the ass.

[C]

But don't the wipes clog your plumbing?

[B]

I have a trash can. They 100% clog. Even the ones they say aren't.

[A]

You.

[C]

Hold on. No, no, no. Listen to what he just said. You.

[B]

You don't forget who you're talking to, bro. You take the shitty wipe, gets wrapped in a bunch of good wipes. We're throwing. We're wasting wipes. Yeah. So that when it goes in the can, it's not fresh. Right in your. What kind of animal are you?

[C]

Is this like Mexico? You know, when they. When you go to Mexico and they're like, don't flush the toilet paper down the.

[A]

That's a little different.

[C]

And then you got your shitty ass toilet paper next to you.

[A]

Yeah, but you have it in a can.

[B]

It's in a trash can with a lid that closes.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Right?

[B]

What are you talking about?

[C]

I'm not into this.

[A]

Listen, you're trying to reason with an unreasonable.

[B]

You're flushing them.

[C]

I would never flush it in my own plumbing. Hold on. But when I travel, not my own. Oh, yes.

[B]

I'm throwing everything in the toilet. I travel. I'm flushing match packs. You know what I'm saying? I don't care. I'm just going, man, they got torque on this one.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Toilet could never do this. Yeah, I'm talking about at your home.

[C]

Only not at my home.

[B]

So what do you do with them then?

[C]

I don't use the. The vet. Vipe. In my own.

[B]

Oh, you're saying the water is.

[C]

I have to wash lead. And then I take a dry.

[A]

Spicy.

[B]

Oh, oh.

[C]

And then. But when we travel, what do you.

[B]

Do with the dry? Just throw it in the hamper.

[C]

Nam. You put it in the toilet. The dry. Shitty. The dry. And you. You flush that down.

[B]

Oh, you're just taking dry toilet paper. Not a dry.

[A]

But after your ass has been sprayed.

[B]

Down for a long time, do a full cycle. You're not taking a dry washcloth. Or anything like that. Like you're sweating. Listen, I color coordinated this. I travel with.

[C]

You've traveled with your washcloth?

[B]

No, this one I did.

[A]

You know what was a game changer for me though? So I would like get on the pores for washcloth use. And then it became such. Well, it became such a conversation that everyone was like, well, you know, try it. Try it, dude. On the road, every hotel that I am in now, I get into the shower with a washcloth. I use it for the body.

[C]

That's so gross, right?

[A]

Because you could the exfoliating and it feels good and you feel clean. But the main thing is, is you take a white washcloth, you shove it up inside of your. You scrub and then you pull it out and you see brown. And you watch the brown come off the washcloth. And then you do it again, no color. And then you throw it on the ground and somebody picks it up for you.

[B]

Yeah, just lay it right there.

[A]

It's really great. And now you feel like you have a real.

[B]

And here's the other thing about washcloths. This one, this is a nice one. Yeah, I don't like these. I like the cheaper it's that are rougher. It's a better. You get a better grip. You get a better wash out of the naturally clean. Like talking about the ones that you can get on Amazon, like 30 of them for $2. Yeah, that's not these. This comes in like a set.

[A]

I've said it before, I'll say it again. You pours were on to something because I really learned, you know what else.

[B]

I got into Now I get the mitts, the exfoliating.

[C]

Those are nice, man.

[B]

I get out like to touch myself. Oh, you know what I mean?

[C]

Hey, but may I suggest something to you, Tom?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

This is not a criticism, but I'm just saying that you can get your one cloth, you put it in your ass, the brown is there. Then you can get dispose of that dirty one and just grab a new fresh one. Because you're at the hotel, you don't need to rinse the brown and then go up again. No, no, no. You can use as many as you want.

[A]

No, no, no, no. You. The fun is to watch the color slowly fade. You just watch it. You're like, oh, there's still, when you get in there, you a little bit of brown and then it fades off. And then you. You throw it on the ground. Now, some people need a reminder. If you do your ass first and then your eyes next have a problem.

[B]

Who'S going ask the eyes on their eyes.

[C]

We just. We just enlightened somebody listening.

[B]

Somebody's like, oh, somebody out there went. I go, ask the eye.

[A]

I'm putting. I'm putting flakes in my eyes. Yeah.

[B]

Guy's got pink eye on his eyes.

[C]

You know, I'm friends. My. One of my. I'm friends with a gay guy, and he just had sex with a man and a woman together. And I go like, he. Yeah, like he butt a guy. He has vag sex with a girl. And I was like, bro, I hope you did the girl first and then the guy. And he's like, of course I'm not an animal, you idiot. I was like, oh, okay, okay.

[A]

Respectful there. That's a real. That's a nice story. Thanks for sharing that. That was kind of neat. That's cool.

[B]

Thank you, Christine.

[A]

That's cool.

[C]

Now, Ryan, my palms are sweaty.

[B]

You.

[A]

You like a good deal, right?

[B]

You. Yeah, that's why I'm going to the Dollar Tree later.

[A]

You're going to go to get a meal, but you can also for your car needs.

[D]

I'm doing $40 earl changes.

[A]

You hear me?

[D]

Y' all, don't forget $40 earl changes. Yep. It come with a filter. $40 earl change.

[C]

Earl change.

[D]

And yes, it come with the filter. Stop going to them Arabs. Stop going P. $80 for earl change.

[B]

You hear me?

[C]

There's no way he can charge that little.

[D]

There's no way synthetic come to the black man.

[C]

No, there's no way. $40. There's no way.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

Pause.

[B]

Pause this for one second. There's a lot going on here. There's a lot going on. Earl. There is it. What do you call the Arabs? Arabs.

[C]

Arabs.

[A]

Yeah, Arabs.

[B]

A. AAB.

[C]

Yes. Aabs.

[B]

But he want. Okay, hold on.

[A]

Let's hear.

[D]

Stop going to them Arabs.

[B]

Eraps with an E. I've never heard an ERA before that. I might use that. He. Okay. In his. Let's start. In his defense, we'll go positive. I just had to take my car to, like, a Jiffy Lube because the coolant was low.

[A]

Did you get an Earl change, too?

[B]

I didn't, but I asked how much an Earl change was. They just said, you only need coolant. And I was like, great, just give me the antifreeze and my radiator and we'll fucking. But what's an old Earl change these days? And they said, it's like $160. I was like, jiffy Loop. Like, jiffy.

[C]

Back in the 90s, it was $40.

[B]

So he's cutting them at a quarter cost. Okay. Which is great.

[C]

Now not possible.

[B]

I have learned through life, you get what you pay for.

[A]

That's the thing.

[B]

Now play this video real quick. This guy's going to work on our call car. Excuse me. Play this video again. Don't listen to anything he says. Listen to the pinging and knocks in his car. Listen to his car.

[A]

This is a great observation.

[B]

Listen to his car.

[D]

Okay, I'm doing forty dollar Earl changes. You heard me, y'.

[C]

All.

[D]

Don't forget forty Earl changes. And yep, it come with a filter. Forty dollar Earl changes. And yes, it come with the filter. Stop going to them eradicate caps. Stop going. Pay $80 for earl change. You hear me? Stop going. Pay 65 for full synthetic. Come to the black man. You hear me? Yeah, I got the Earl change.

[B]

That's a forty dollar oil change. Earl change.

[C]

Rattling.

[D]

It comes with nick bits. It comes pinging and popping and full synthetic. I got 5:20.

[B]

That is cuz.

[D]

I got 5:30. Come on, man. These people don't know how to drive around here.

[A]

You're making promo videos.

[B]

He's holding it too. It's not mounting straight like that.

[D]

You got.

[C]

What is that? Your shots.

[D]

Don't pull up and walk in my backyard. You're going to get bit.

[B]

Bit by him.

[A]

How do you get to Earl? How does Earl come from?

[B]

Oil.

[A]

E, A, R, L. Earl. You want to get your Earl change.

[C]

I don't buy. $40 is what it costs to dispose of the oil.

[A]

Oh, you don't think he's going through the protocol you're supposed to go through?

[C]

I'm. I'm venturing against.

[B]

He just said don't come in my backyard or you get bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My money is he's dumping out Earl right in that backyard. Right in that backyard.

[C]

Right in the ground right there.

[B]

Yeah, that Earl Chase.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's no good.

[A]

Cut my costs. Yeah, no good.

[B]

Who also, how many followers does he have? Who is he pitching this to right now?

[A]

Who is.

[B]

What is the audience for this?

[A]

That's amazing.

[C]

I mean, 40, it's a little.

[A]

Can you pull up his. I see that. That. It's in here. What's his IG look like?

[C]

The can of oil is 40.

[B]

Is it always filter too? It comes with filter.

[C]

The filter's 29.99.

[B]

He's got a connect or something. He's got a stolen 114,000. Holy. Well, there's a lot of Earl changes. Did he do one? Does that red car right look at the head. Look at the headlamp on his head on this one. Oh, oh. He's selling them too.

[A]

Selling cars.

[C]

The phone number.

[A]

Nice car.

[C]

This guy puts the phone number right there.

[A]

Yeah, he has a service.

[B]

What's the lamp on his head down here?

[C]

He's a machine. He's a mechanic.

[D]

I'm all the way under this car. Checking the suspension. Transmission. Transmission.

[B]

Check that suspension on your car.

[C]

Car.

[D]

Lower control arms. Upper control arms. I'm draining the Earl right now.

[C]

There's the Earl.

[B]

There's the Earl.

[D]

It's crazy working out the east.

[A]

Everything else you need some suspension work.

[D]

Holl at your boy.

[C]

I'mma put it in there, the suspension.

[B]

And take care of you.

[C]

That's what was in his car.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

This is also a guy. Probably is. Like I don't work on anything after 95. Yeah, you just too new. You too new, man. That's got 23 computers on it, man. I can't with that. I do Earl Chase.

[A]

I do Earl.

[B]

I rotate your tie.

[A]

Oh my God. That's amaz. 114,000.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Crazy. All right. Are you on tour?

[B]

I will be.

[A]

You will be?

[B]

Yes. I'm not supposed to say it yet. Cuz they want to announce it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There will be dates for 2026 for sure. I already have cities locked up. For sure. We'll announce it. Ryan. Sickler.com is my website for all dates. Ryan.

[A]

The main thing though is check out the new special Live and Alive. It is on your YouTube channel. You're one of my dearest friends, one of my favorite people, one of the funniest people I've ever met. And do yourself a favor, check it out. Go to his YouTube channel, watch live and Alive and go see Ryan on tour.

[B]

Yay.

[A]

Thank you and happy Halloween. Get your Earl check, change.

[B]

I'm talking to him. I'm not talking to you. She's not your friend. I'm your friend.

[A]

She's still your friend.

[B]

I'm your friend.

[A]

Wow.