Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801

Summary

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura Episode 801: Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now Release Date: March 12, 2025

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1. Introduction and Tour Announcements

Tom Segura kicks off the episode by sharing exciting news about his upcoming UK and Ireland tour. He provides detailed information about show dates and locations, emphasizing the sold-out venues and encouraging listeners to purchase tickets through his website.

Tom Segura [01:19]: "I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend... Get your [e-mail]. Tour, I'll see you guys there."

2. Welcome and Introducing the Guest

Christina Pazsitzky welcomes the audience to the show and introduces the guest, Andrew Schultz. The trio engages in playful banter, setting a humorous tone for the episode.

Christina P [00:07]: "Do you guys want to know the secret?"

3. Personal Experiences with Fertility and Pregnancy

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Christina and Tom sharing their personal journeys with fertility, miscarriages, and IVF treatments. They delve into the emotional and physical challenges they faced while trying to conceive, offering a candid look into their lives beyond comedy.

Christina P [62:30]: "I am relearning Hungarian. I'm playing the drums. Just doing things that nourish you... couldn't do because I was so focused on being the driven comedian."

Andrew Schultz [43:03]: "I think it's like, well, you know, we paid. There's like a receipt. It was premeditated, you know, so did we."

4. The Art of Storytelling in Comedy

Andrew and Tom engage in a deep discussion about the importance of storytelling in stand-up comedy. They explore how personal narratives enhance comedic performance, making jokes more relatable and impactful. The conversation highlights the skill required to weave humor into meaningful stories that resonate with audiences.

Andrew Schultz [85:02]: "I started reading all these books about like storytelling and like understanding like 3 arc structure and all this kind of shit. And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story."

Tom Segura [86:12]: "The stories. I, I love watching stories. That's why I think I got into it is like, yeah, who'd you."

5. Societal Pressures and Gender Roles

The hosts delve into societal expectations surrounding gender roles, particularly focusing on motherhood and career balance. Christina discusses the societal pressure for women to excel both as professionals and as mothers, highlighting the challenges that come with trying to fulfill dual roles.

Christina P [73:00]: "So women bought into this too. Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars, if I'm not making bread, I'm useless too."

Andrew Schultz [71:50]: "I think some women are kind of envious of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose, this thing to live for."

6. Reflections on Stand-up Comedy Styles

The conversation shifts to comparing American and European stand-up comedy styles. Andrew observes that American comedy often revolves around personal vulnerabilities and strong opinions, while European comedy tends to be less pretentious and more theater-oriented. They discuss how these differences shape comedians' approaches and audience connections.

Andrew Schultz [61:03]: "But like, when you're a young comedian, come here. This is where the industry is right there."

Tom Segura [57:50]: "Clips kill."

7. Current Dating Scene in New York

Andrew introduces a humorous take on the dating scene in New York, discussing the societal pressures that lead individuals to date partners they aren't genuinely interested in. The trio analyzes the phenomenon of "red flags" and "icks," critiquing how social expectations can compel people to settle for unsuitable relationships.

Andrew Schultz [100:26]: "They said something kind of interesting. They were like the pressure for a woman to be with somebody. So the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like."

Tom Segura [101:50]: "You don't."

8. Closing Remarks and Promotions

As the episode wraps up, Tom and Christina engage in light-hearted banter about various online personalities and viral moments. They briefly mention Andrew Schultz's upcoming Netflix special, encouraging listeners to watch and support his work.

Tom Segura [16:12]: "She's on YMH Live was last Friday... It's pretty fresh, dude."

Andrew Schultz [43:06]: "Congratulations on the special."

Notable Quotes

• Tom Segura [10:24]: "It's like you want to tell everybody. I'm serious."

• Christina P [12:00]: "She's fired up. Yeah, she's 31 years old."

• Andrew Schultz [75:45]: "He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario."

Conclusion

Episode 801 of Your Mom's House offers listeners an engaging blend of personal anecdotes, insightful discussions on comedy, and candid conversations about societal norms and personal struggles. Through humor and honesty, Christina, Tom, and Andrew Schultz provide a relatable and entertaining experience for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's a first date like, ideally for you?

[Christina P]

You're taking it to bone.

[Andrew Schultz]

Come on in.

[Christina P]

Do you guys want to know the secret?

[Tom Segura]

This is the best way we've ever done. You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money. One of the top onlyfans content creators, Alexis Fox.

[Andrew Schultz]

Trust me, they see every part of me.

[Christina P]

I got it.

[Tom Segura]

You're not crazy.

[Andrew Schultz]

I want you to choke me later.

[Tom Segura]

I just want to get hard without pills.

[Andrew Schultz]

I think Duncan might want to fuck me.

[Tom Segura]

That's okay. Hi, Amanda, this is Tom Segura. You're on YMH Live and congratulations, you just won $10,000. He has been posting that he is reaching out to porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them.

[Christina P]

She just texted me.

[Andrew Schultz]

She said, I'm watching.

[Christina P]

I'll do the scene. Hello, Alexis. Alexis.

[Tom Segura]

Let's do this shit. For the heavy segment, everybody, you know what to do.

[Christina P]

Right off. Damn. Yeah, dude. Oh, she's doing her.

[Tom Segura]

She doing herself.

[Andrew Schultz]

Was not expecting people wearing their insides on the outside show. He came twice though.

[Tom Segura]

He did.

[Andrew Schultz]

Honestly, I'm into it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 5th 15th at 3Arena Belfast for two shows at Waterfront hall on March 16th. First show is sold out. We added a second show. Manchester at AO Arena March 19th, London OVO Arena, Wembley March 20th, Glasgow at OVO Hydro March 21st, Nottingham at Motorpoint Arena March 22nd and Cardiff at Utilita Arena March 23rd. Get your [e-mail] Tour I'll see you guys there.

[Andrew Schultz]

Welcome.

[Christina P]

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[Andrew Schultz]

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[Christina P]

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[Andrew Schultz]

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[Christina P]

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[Andrew Schultz]

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[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

I'm just looking to laugh today. If you want to take your bra off and send Me a picture. Have fun with it.

[Christina P]

But only if you're above 18, of course.

[Tom Segura]

I want you to be a high school graduate, and then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else.

[Christina P]

Everybody knows that boobs make guys. Lol.

[Tom Segura]

That's what we're always just doing.

[Christina P]

That's what you love.

[Tom Segura]

Look at these perfect tits.

[Christina P]

Do you think that the King had an overwhelming response to his plea? Like, is that why he's making these videos? Is there just, like, two girls, the lot lizards that.

[Tom Segura]

No, he did not have overwhelming response, but I do think. I think he got more than you think.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing. Everyone's looking for something.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

And some attention in some way.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting, he was probably. They were probably like, oh, this guy. I get a little clout interacting with him. And they. He probably had a few hotties, I think. Not like, right tens.

[Christina P]

Not like our standards.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Like, hot for him. You know those things.

[Christina P]

Yeah, Hot for him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's wild. Just for. You know, we're talking about the King. The. The king, he had an account that was for queens above 18, and he would put out calls for girls to show him. Show him their boobs to make him laugh.

[Tom Segura]

Is he in here?

[Christina P]

And then he had merch. Remember when he was selling merch? And he's like, you got to send me an email, and then I'll email you back and you write your address and then send me a check.

[Tom Segura]

What? Yeah, his thing was he's like, all.

[Christina P]

Right, send me a check.

[Tom Segura]

Send an email, the shirt you want, and with what where? With the address that you want it to go to. When then. When we respond, then send another email back. And after you get that with your size, and if you want a king or queen written on it, and then Jesse will get you the thing. And then when. Then you get the. When. Once the money clears, then we'll send you. And you're like, what the are you talking about?

[Christina P]

Different. Yeah. You never heard of.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a way to make a lot of money. For sure.

[Christina P]

You never heard of Shopify?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Pull your tits out.

[Andrew Schultz]

I want to laugh.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, man.

[Christina P]

And you know, he's still at it. I still see him on the talk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's still at it.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Guys like that don't give up.

[Christina P]

They don't. Relentless. Oh, here we go. Good.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, the design is just unbelievable. I've worked with a couple designers, and this is I've never seen anything like this. Good morning.

[Christina P]

Good morning.

[Tom Segura]

That is unbelievable. That is like, let's make some videos.

[Andrew Schultz]

I want to see them. I want to laugh.

[Christina P]

This is like when Microsoft Word first started and you could insert symbols.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Remember, it also.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't this highlight, too, how, like, how design is not. It's not easy, like, to see, like, a. You know, you see and you're like, that's really cool. That's a really talented person.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That. That put that together. You take it for granted, and you're.

[Christina P]

Like, oh, the f. Even people that design your home like the furniture that you buy and how to place it.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Just like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture. And you know what I did? I bought lounge chairs, the electric lounge chairs, the Lazy boys. I bought us a row of lazy boys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then you're not an interior designer.

[Christina P]

A trunk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, we were living like frat boys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

We had our first house.

[Tom Segura]

You were the.

[Christina P]

This is terrible.

[Tom Segura]

You're The Queen above 18.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Interior designer.

[Christina P]

Oh, I'm such an idiot. I bought, like, fake flowers from Amazon. I'm like, I'm going to fake.

[Tom Segura]

Well, because we all think we can do it intuitively. That's what. That's what happens. You go, oh, I'll design the shirt. And you're like, it looks like that.

[Christina P]

It's like a frat house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's bad.

[Christina P]

It was so bad. We need help, babe. We need to hire somebody to do this.

[Tom Segura]

He needs help, too.

[Christina P]

He needs a lot of help.

[Tom Segura]

It's not just us. He needs help.

[Christina P]

Yeah. How you doing? Are you. You're. You're spicy today.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I actually want to tell people this puts me in a good mood.

[Christina P]

What is.

[Tom Segura]

And it's legal. And this is not a paid advertisement.

[Christina P]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

This is. It's called Fun Guy is the company, and they make Kana fruit shoes, so. Kanna is a plant, I believe, native to South Africa, and it's a mood booster.

[Christina P]

Oh, I want one. Can I have one?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, you can.

[Christina P]

I'm excited. I always need a mood boost.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

God knows I need a mood that.

[Tom Segura]

You can get it online. I bought a bunch of it.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I've just seen you with these.

[Tom Segura]

It's delicious. Yeah. And it does change your mood.

[Christina P]

Okay, here we go. Watch.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

This one. What? Oh. Oh, okay. It says, oh, I can. I have to set an intention. Warm, empathy. Love. Nope, none of that. Okay, how about love?

[Tom Segura]

Love's good.

[Christina P]

Tastes good.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe take two.

[Christina P]

Wait, take it easy.

[Tom Segura]

So good.

[Christina P]

Tastes good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

No, it tastes like a fruit roll.

[Tom Segura]

Highly recommend to all my friends out there that want to try. You can get this online and you can get it legally.

[Christina P]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

And it's called I'm into it. It tastes really good by Fun Guy.

[Christina P]

Give me another one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's really good.

[Christina P]

I like.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying.

[Christina P]

Why not go for it?

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying, bro.

[Christina P]

It's good, bro.

[Tom Segura]

All right. You ready to start the show?

[Christina P]

Am I.

[Tom Segura]

We have so much to talk about.

[Christina P]

I'm in a better mood.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go. Here we go. I'm telling you, you're gonna like this. You're gonna like the way you look again. Here we go.

[Christina P]

Guarantee it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Nancy, if you want to with me, I'll with you one million times harder.

[Christina P]

So guess what, guys?

[Tom Segura]

My mom got a big fat ass for a white girl, but she got some small ass titties. And she was so jealous of me when I got my titties, dude. Yep. You know what? She made my dad buy her a boob job. Those tits ain't real.

[Christina P]

Those tits ain't real, guys.

[Tom Segura]

My mom has fake boobs. Mom. After eight years, you might get like, the sickness. It's like boob job infection or something with the.

[Christina P]

Or boob job syndrome or something.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, bad for your body. Let's talk about her mom.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude, I get it. Listen.

[Andrew Schultz]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, I am in a better mood already. That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

I'm telling you, when you find something that, like, that works for you.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like you want to tell everybody. I'm serious.

[Christina P]

No, that's really good stuff. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's going to. It's going to hit you more in an hour.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's very exciting.

[Tom Segura]

Very amazed. Amazed. What do you think of this cool chick?

[Christina P]

Well, listen, I, as somebody that had a mother that was competitive with me as well.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I understand what she's doing here. Like, when I had my breasts coming in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

My mother would shame me and be like, these are not breasts. These are little mosquito bites. And she was always jealous.

[Tom Segura]

She was jealous. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then when I got my titties, the same thing, she's like, you need to wear bra, supportive bra. You're jiggling everywhere. She would insult my titties.

[Tom Segura]

So this is you, if you had an American mom. Oh, right.

[Christina P]

Yeah, for sure. I'd be like, my mom's.

[Tom Segura]

You Dumb little bimbo whore.

[Christina P]

You dumb little bimbo.

[Tom Segura]

You let dad make you get a boob job.

[Christina P]

Are you fucking kidding me, Nancy?

[Tom Segura]

You're disgusting.

[Christina P]

You're a bimbo.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think old pro would be proud of that? As a doctor? As an obstetrician? Gynecologist. You think old pro would be proud of the fact that you got pressured into getting a boob job by dad?

[Christina P]

And then you want to tell me.

[Tom Segura]

That I don't deserve to survive?

[Christina P]

Yikes.

[Tom Segura]

Because you want to suck that fat pig's dick. Yeah, she doesn't like that either. I thought this was just all about mom, but then she was like, dad pressured you. Call him a fat pig.

[Christina P]

This girl and I would be best friends. Yeah, I feel this.

[Tom Segura]

Why don't you reach out, girl?

[Christina P]

I feel you. Why don't you reach out, Nancy? Your fat dad. Dude, you're right.

[Tom Segura]

She's. Yeah, she's super.

[Christina P]

She's fired up.

[Tom Segura]

She's 31 years old.

[Christina P]

Y.

[Tom Segura]

She calls her mom Nancy.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Well, Nancy probably did a number on this girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's really pissed he did some to her.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you don't just make a video like this if your parents are normal and cool.

[Tom Segura]

I know, bro.

[Christina P]

If I. If I was. If I had a YouTube page growing up, this would be. This would be my whole.

[Tom Segura]

Katie. Her name's Katie.

[Christina P]

Katie, I feel you. You're right, Nancy. Your fat ass, dad and his tiny dick. I hope your mom's tits get infected too.

[Tom Segura]

But also, it'd be nice. I mean, I'm just saying this for not trying to be weird. It'd be nice to see Katie's tits because she was like, Nancy got super jealous.

[Christina P]

That's right. So, like, hers are naturals is what she's saying.

[Tom Segura]

So what I'm saying is, Katie, how about a follow up video?

[Christina P]

Well, we want to laugh.

[Tom Segura]

We want to have a good.

[Christina P]

Show us your boobs. You're above 18.

[Tom Segura]

All your tits.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just giggling.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah, man. It's dark.

[Tom Segura]

Very dark.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

She is on YMH Live was last Friday. My beard's already grown back. What a hoot. And what a fun time. Yes, we had incredible original content. We had Will Blunderfeld. We had our own Tanner in there. We had Duncan Trussell. We had Tony John.

[Christina P]

I know the ladies man was my favorite.

[Tom Segura]

And 20 some odd stunned women who were like what in the is this? They were completely flabbergasted that this was a real human being. Yeah, Charo dipping her toe into only fans with Alexis Fox.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Who she's by the way, in love with. Charo loves Alexis.

[Christina P]

I know they're gonna hang out.

[Tom Segura]

She totally loves her. We had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda and Johnny Pemberton was in that. Ryan Sickler's in that. I make an appearance in it. So much fun. And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today. So that was all YMH Live 10. And you can see it right now by going to ymhstudios.com to watch the replay. I hope you do. We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it, and I hope you enjoy it. Hope it makes you. I hope it makes you laugh. You want to laugh.

[Christina P]

Stupid. Yeah. That was pretty fresh, dude. You'll notice I'm drinking cranberry juice today. I think I have a UTI bruin.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So I may have to get up and pitch during the show.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Don't get mad at me, though.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not mad at you, bro.

[Christina P]

Probably your f. I want to laugh.

[Tom Segura]

I want to laugh. Also, I was recently in Chicago. I want to say that was one of the greatest experiences I've had doing stand up for a multitude of reasons. Look, I grew up when I was 11 years old in 1990, and we moved to Milwaukee, which is a couple hours from Chicago. So Chicago. We have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee. Like, Chicago is like the place to be, Right? You want it? You want to go to Chicago? And we would go to Chicago for bunch of reasons. I had some family in Chicago. We went there for field trips to check out their museums. And then this thing happened in 90 91, which is. There's a basketball team there called the Chicago Bulls. And in Milwaukee, we would get wgn, which is the local Chicago station, and I would watch Chicago Bulls basketball games. And I was a kid, you know, you're like, you're in school, You're. You're getting into sports and watching Michael Jordan play regularly, like, just watching full games. I turned into, like. Every kid was like, this is like a. An icon, you know, I mean, we were just, like, enamored with this guy and with the team. They were like, they became. I think for a lot of kids, especially, like, that's the. That's all you cared about was the Bulls. And I was obsessed, too. I got to see him play in person three times.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's cool.

[Tom Segura]

And, yeah, I was just, like, the biggest fan. And so anyway, I, you know, I had that kind of affection for the Bulls in Chicago as a kid. And then I played Chicago as a comedian. I started at the improv, then I went to Park West. Yeah. In Schaumburg.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which I was. Of course. You're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there.

[Christina P]

No. But shout out to the Asiago chicken. Always my favorite dish in any class.

[Tom Segura]

I got Chicken is killer. Then I did Park West. Then I did the Vic. Then I did the Chicago Theater. Then I did UIC credit 1 Arena. And then I finally did the United Center. This is where the Bulls played. This is Michael Jordan's house where he has a statue. And we had about 17,000 people at the show. It was fucking nuts. Jeff Tate.

[Christina P]

Yeah. He wore his best outfit. I can see.

[Tom Segura]

So that's how Jeff Tate dresses.

[Christina P]

Oh, I know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like a homeless person.

[Tom Segura]

But it's. It's homeless chic, though.

[Christina P]

It kind of is. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's not homeless Boxer. Yeah, It's. That's like. He puts. That's a coordinated thing. Sure, sure. He opened the show. He killed. Chris DiStefano was a surprise guest. He killed. And then I had a. Just a really fun set. A lady had a seizure.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, how nice. What a compliment to the chef.

[Tom Segura]

It was really nice.

[Christina P]

Did you feel somewhat good about yourself that you gave a woman a seizure from laughing?

[Tom Segura]

Actually, I. So I didn't know because of how the room is lit and you're working the round, right? The stages in the middle for people that don't know, and you just. You stay pacing. And so I saw some. The bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything that's happening in the room, right? Like, you see people, you see security, you see things happening. So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, there's some. I don't. Someone's trying to get to their seat, because that's also a thing people like, I'm sitting here, and I just kind of keep walking. So now I'm on the other side of the. Of that stage. I'm working this side of the audience. And then I come around again, and I see that this looks like a scene. So even though I'm in the middle of talk, I go, what is going on here? And just stop, right? And somebody goes, she's having a seizure. She had a seizure. And I go, oh, shit. So I go, hey, do you want to turn the house lights on? I go, this is more important than what I'm doing. And they go, no, it's okay.

[Christina P]

What, did they have a medic there? They must have.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they had stretcher and everything. And I go, you don't want to turn the lights on? And they go, no, we're fine. I go, okay.

[Christina P]

That's amazing. You know, so many times things like this happen during shows, particularly in the summertime, because you have people who are day Drinking. And then they'll come to your show. Like, at the Comedy Store, I had somebody vomit during my set in the front row in the summertime because it's hot in there. And then at Zany's in Nashville, a woman passed out in the balcony. And, like, same thing. Ambulance came, stretcher came. Like, this is not ideal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this was pretty. And then they wheeled her out.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, hey. You know, I go, if you guys are with her, I would go. And everybody laughed.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, oh, no, we're not with her. I was like, okay, that. Well, I hope we. And then I pray to Hail Mary for her with the audience.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's nice.

[Tom Segura]

But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on. So I just. I just. I prayed to a laugh.

[Christina P]

Yeah. And then I want to make that mistake.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

God don't care about, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

All of the peeps.

[Tom Segura]

He only cares about the right.

[Christina P]

The right kind.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. God's very Christian.

[Christina P]

Speaking of Michael Jordan, I dreamt the other day that you and I were black. Isn't that cool?

[Tom Segura]

I think you mean you had a nightmare.

[Christina P]

No, no, no. It was so crazy. You and I were like this hot black couple.

[Tom Segura]

Like, could you. Did we have the same or do we look totally different?

[Christina P]

I had, like, short Afro hair, and I had a huge ass.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Christina P]

And huge tits, which is not. I have nothing. Nothing.

[Tom Segura]

You've morphed into somebody.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It was awesome. And you weren't just, like, a black king. Like, you were.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P]

And I had the best brown vagina. It was crazy. You were naked in this. We were doing it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus. You didn't say that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Were you like, hey, baby, did you say that? No.

[Christina P]

Well, maybe I don't remember talking a whole lot, but I just know it was you and me and we were black people, and I had the. Like I said, a beautiful brown vagine, and you had a beautiful black penis.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Christina P]

And we were just banging. It was great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I know what your search engine looks like.

[Christina P]

Maybe. Maybe.

[Tom Segura]

And then we just banged it out.

[Christina P]

We banged it out.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Christina P]

I know it's so weird that I've been having sex dreams about you because I don't think married people do that. Like, I'm not supposed to, right? Like, aren't I supposed to have.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think there's some. A rule that dictates it. And you can just let your mind go where it goes. You don't have to force the dream.

[Christina P]

But don't you think it's a testament to my attraction to you?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Even in sleep.

[Tom Segura]

I. I'm very flattered.

[Christina P]

And I'm sure you only dream of me sexually.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have a lot of sex dreams, though.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I don't have a lot of sex dreams.

[Christina P]

What do you dream about?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, where was it last night? It was mostly Nazis last night. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's what you're into. Darkness. You only like murder, destruction, sadness, kidnapping.

[Tom Segura]

I've been watching that Black Hawk down documentary.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I know. Just fill your head full of good things before you go right to sleep.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking Somalia.

[Christina P]

You don't like the Somalis?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them.

[Christina P]

I know, I've been there.

[Tom Segura]

You're like Delta Force. Get in there.

[Christina P]

They're tiny people are very tall and lean people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they are. They actually seem like lovely people. Yeah. It's just that it's a horrible incident in time that happened there.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good documentary.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You like it? What do you like about it?

[Tom Segura]

Just, it's. Well, it's a well told story.

[Christina P]

I remember that vaguely happening.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's the thing is you think you remember and then what is that? They do a great job of. So everybody remembers Blackhawk Down.

[Christina P]

Like movie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, the movie and the term, like the expression and that it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia. But then when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of like, what's happening in Somalia leading up to this. Right?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Civil war and the split kind of between different factions there and. And how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while. And then it kind. There's like turning point where it's like, hey, they're, you know, a couple. The thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that you're gonna have incidents that go wrong and then the people are gonna be like, oh, you're not here helping us. And there's a bit of that. And then. Yeah, and then the actual incident itself is like they're. These guys are on a mission to take out this general, like the. The guy who's, you know, the top bad guy and some of his. His cabinet, let's say. And then it just. Everything just goes sideways. I mean, that's. That's the best way to kind of summarize it. Everything goes.

[Christina P]

You literally fill your head. Like, my watch list is so different than yours. You just fill your head with violence, war Scandal, kidnapping, serial killer. It's all dark, blackness. But I think that. Isn't that what men generally watch? I feel like.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

Don't you guys all watch, like you're not watching Bridget Jones's new movie? No.

[Tom Segura]

What the is that?

[Christina P]

No. You guys all watch awful things. A lot of death.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I just watched what Jennifer did last night.

[Christina P]

What's that?

[Tom Segura]

That is crazy, man. It's a little Asian girl and her. She called like nine one. She's like, my parents, they're dead.

[Christina P]

I don't know what to do.

[Tom Segura]

And then they just slowly discovered it was this the whole time.

[Christina P]

Oh my. This psycho.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

See, I would watch this with you.

[Tom Segura]

I'll watch that. That shit's fire.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Oh my gosh. She looks so like fun.

[Tom Segura]

Turns out she's just a big goofball. Yeah, it's a little knucklehead. Yep.

[Christina P]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

And you know that you'd go back with her if she was like, come back.

[Christina P]

Come back with her.

[Tom Segura]

I want to show you something in my room. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, show me.

[Christina P]

Why did she kill her parents? Was she being abused like the Menendez brothers?

[Tom Segura]

It was just a mistake. It was a misunderstanding. Yeah, that happens all the time. I forgive her. See?

[Christina P]

Yeah. She's cute though. Thank God she's attractive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive.

[Christina P]

Big time. You know, one cares. No one cares what Jennifer does if she's not hot. Yeah, it's only when she's hot.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I was on a flight yesterday from Los Angeles to Austin. I had the fattest flight attendant I have ever seen. And not only fat, the fattest, gayest flight attendant. Which is fine. I like, you can try me fat, so. Oh my God. Yeah. And I'm just saying my suspicion is that this airline doesn't say anything to him because he's gay and maybe it's misinterpreted as homophobic or something.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is also, there's this big push in the airline industry for more inclusivity.

[Christina P]

Right. Off with that. Yeah, it doesn't matter on all levels.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not talking about pilots. I'm talking about, you know, like behind the gate and, and, and working as flight attendants. Like, it's, it's.

[Christina P]

I can have a one legged trans flight attendant as long as he's not morbidly obese.

[Tom Segura]

What part, why does that bother you?

[Christina P]

Because he can barely fit through the aisle. It's a safety issue. Not only that, the airline's probably losing money because he's weighing the amount of what, two suitcases? Two people? How fat is it affects the weight of the plane. This fucking guy, like black lady bus driver fat. Like where they have a big butt. That's a shelf. And he was really fat. Really? Okay. I don't know how to do it in male. If it was a woman. Three. Three bills.

[Tom Segura]

Okay?

[Christina P]

Three bills. It's a really big and really having a hard time getting through the aisle and bending over and stuff. I'm like, this is not okay. Your job is to be able to get through these narrow aisles.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Their number one job is safety of passengers actually. Right.

[Christina P]

Because the. What is it? The faa? They're, they're lieutenants of the federal. Your mother commission and they can tell you to buckle your seatbelts. You have to listen to them. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You do have to listen to them.

[Christina P]

So I don't trust the fat slob. I don't trust him. I don't like him.

[Tom Segura]

You're real fired up about this.

[Christina P]

Well, because it was such a. It was disturbing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hey, fatty.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, it's disturbing.

[Tom Segura]

I got it. I got it. Yeah. I mean it's. It's too fat.

[Christina P]

And then I saw an adult man, a 55 year old adult male. He had a laptop open.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Watching like an. A cartoon. Like a Japanime cartoon. Like it was an episode of an ongoing series that he's into. Not like a nostalgia thing where he's watching like oh, Tom and Jerry. Like we all grew up. Like he deliberately, he brought the content on the plane and watching a full episode of like a children's cartoon. I'm like, this is nuts. Like I. All I could think about was like, what if this is like a 55 year old top dog?

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God.

[Christina P]

On a plane. Could you ever in your wildest dreams, like my dad. Your dad at 55, watching a cartoon.

[Tom Segura]

There's different kinds of guys. There are different kinds of guys. Listen, this is, this is one type of guy. Okay?

[Andrew Schultz]

That's the guy. I am a loser.

[Christina P]

Look at me.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm 50 years old. I'm a 50 year old man still living in my parents basement.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Acting like I'm married to a mannequin.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I think that these are my kids. These are dogs. These are toys. They're not real kids. They're not real kids.

[Christina P]

I'm a loser.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm gonna tell you. I've never moved out.

[Christina P]

Living in my parents basement with a beautiful mannequin. She was beautiful. I love her so much. I do.

[Andrew Schultz]

I love you, Emily.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck.

[Christina P]

Fuck, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Darn.

[Christina P]

Emily's cute. This guy's a little different.

[Tom Segura]

Emily is beautiful though.

[Christina P]

The guy I saw was like a professional. Like he was not a loser.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He was just an adult man. That was Watching children's cartoons.

[Andrew Schultz]

I can't find a real woman.

[Christina P]

I don't got a real, live, breathing.

[Andrew Schultz]

Girlfriend in the house.

[Christina P]

I made it all up. I tried to fool y'all.

[Andrew Schultz]

I had you guys fooled for a.

[Christina P]

Very long time, too, didn't I?

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, my goodness, Emily, you smell like Chinese plastic.

[Christina P]

The best Chinese plastic that they make.

[Tom Segura]

This is.

[Christina P]

I'm a loser.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm a failure.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a fraud.

[Christina P]

I'm a liar.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, my goodness.

[Christina P]

I don't know. I think he's just a low IQ adult.

[Tom Segura]

Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man?

[Christina P]

No. He's got a good life. He lives in his mom's basement.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's the thing.

[Christina P]

This got his dolls.

[Tom Segura]

This was such a heavy video. I mean, this guy is confessing what his. Basically, that his greatest fears are true.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then he breaks to smell his doll.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like. I love. Like, he's going back and forth. Like, this is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings, you know?

[Christina P]

I know. And the comment says, don't say, you're a loser. You're not.

[Tom Segura]

Right. So that's what he's responding to. Yeah. Which. Yeah, that's.

[Christina P]

You're a loser.

[Tom Segura]

A crazy. Hey, man.

[Christina P]

Well, what. What does this make you feel?

[Tom Segura]

Because I. I only can't feel a couple things. First of all. First of all, you know, one of the things I notice. Not a bad fit. Those are nice jeans. I like his shoes. Yeah, he's got a cool chain.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. He's happy.

[Tom Segura]

I like. I like the outfit. It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily. The doll. The mannequin with his baby dolls. But he also, like, there's, like, peeks into the fact that he has full conversations. This man's incapable, probably, of a relationship with a real woman, you know?

[Christina P]

But aren't you glad that he has Emily?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of. You know.

[Christina P]

I know. I do think that I do wish that people would just be ashamed of what they're doing. That's weird. Like, I do want to bring that back where we just kind of, like. Just be quiet about it. Like, don't watch your anime on the plane. Don't talk about your girl, your plastic girlfriend.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, just hide it.

[Christina P]

Just hide it, because it bums me out. It bums everyone out.

[Tom Segura]

It's here to stay. What is this? Does he talk about this? Now?

[Andrew Schultz]

This right here is actually A good question. How does Emily go to the bathroom? Well, we've been married for two years now.

[Christina P]

No, you're not.

[Andrew Schultz]

And she's lived with me for five.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you dated.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know what?

[Christina P]

I've never seen her go to the bathroom. Not even once. So I'm not even sure if she goes to the bathroom.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm not 100% sure mannequins go to the bathroom at all.

[Christina P]

I just don't. You're not 100% sure?

[Andrew Schultz]

I don't know what she does when I'm. When I'm.

[Christina P]

When I'm in the house. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he's. He's 50. He lives with his parents, so his parents got to be up there in age. But the thing is, this guy's. He's too far gone. He's. You know, the funny thing, too, is that he has that relationship which gives him some fulfillment, and then he has an. And in a relationship with followers online. That's good, but it. No, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute human interaction.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents.

[Christina P]

That's a good thing, though. He shouldn't be interacting with other humans. You don't think so here's one thing that I. That I think is positive. Because he doesn't know how Emily goes to the bathroom, it means that he's not having sex with her with it. Which is kind of cool.

[Tom Segura]

100% not true. He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario.

[Christina P]

How is he fucking her? She doesn't have a fuck hole.

[Tom Segura]

That's not what he said. He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom. Oh, he's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit. That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time.

[Christina P]

How gross do you think that doll is? Like, it's full of his jizz.

[Tom Segura]

I think he might be one of these super meticulous cleaning guys, though.

[Christina P]

He does look clean.

[Tom Segura]

It might be like sparkling clean down there, but there's coming it every day. Yeah. In the eyes and the mouth and the. Yeah, right.

[Christina P]

There's no way. He's not.

[Tom Segura]

He probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like, oh, Emily, what'd you do? What'd you do?

[Christina P]

He blames Emily for it. Look what you made me do.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, you're. Oh, you gotta clean up. And then he. Good job. And cleanser. And he talks to her. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. You're gonna get pregnant again. We already have two dolls.

[Andrew Schultz]

No clue what the hell you're talking.

[Christina P]

About here, little feller.

[Andrew Schultz]

None whatsoever.

[Christina P]

I just got one question for you.

[Andrew Schultz]

What would make you think that I have a clue what plastic holes would feel like you're weird.

[Christina P]

Get some help. See, that leads me to believe that maybe he's such a low IQ adult that he's not doing that behavior. Like, he's not. No. You think it's inevitable. He's a man. He's still a guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's that doll.

[Christina P]

He's that doll.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't even think. I don't think he's that low IQ either. I think he's. He has awareness enough to, like, have the doll know how to pretend dress the doll. Like, he's not, like, dumb, dumb, dumb.

[Christina P]

Well, and hold on. Well, hold on. One thing we've noticed about cool guys, see, they don't know how to upload videos properly or title them. And look, they're usually all the same thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. How's he doing all this?

[Christina P]

But it's a lot of the same.

[Tom Segura]

Same brain, a lot of the same. That finds different holes that come in the dollar. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Advanced autism.

[Tom Segura]

Did they say that to him?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Do you argue much? Let's hear that one.

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, that's the good thing about being married to a mannequin.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's the best part.

[Andrew Schultz]

But we do argue.

[Tom Segura]

You do argue sometimes. Sometimes. What does it say? Advanced autism was the other one?

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, actually, I wouldn't call me advanced at playing the acoustic guitar because I'm not. I know how to play the acoustic.

[Christina P]

Acoustic guitar, but I'm not that good at. He thinks the word is acoustic, not autistic.

[Andrew Schultz]

And the other one is Sweet Home Alabama.

[Tom Segura]

So they're just like. Are you advanced? He thinks they're saying you're advanced at your acoustic skills.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but you think it's a bit.

[Tom Segura]

Because auditory. Because acoustic is kind of. That's like something that people say on socials to, like, right in. In place of. That's right. Like you're regarded or respected. He's trying to read it. What's up, Tom?

[Christina P]

He's trying to be funny, for sure. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing. Like, look at the. Look at the Shawnee's framing in every photo. Like he knows what he's doing.

[Christina P]

Look at that now. But the repetition of the screen, like, the repetition. That's cool guy all over it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's a cool guy outfit for sure.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

With the I think it's good. That chain too.

[Andrew Schultz]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

The chain's nice.

[Christina P]

It is a nice chain. I have to pee. I've got a uti.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, go for it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Who are they? Who are those people?

[Tom Segura]

Those are cool guys.

[Andrew Schultz]

The ugly wall. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

These guys will never end up on that wall.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

These are people we discovered online.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

That we ended up usually meeting or highlighting. Yeah, that like, like. You saw Fancy Chef, right? You saw that guy?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't see Fancy Chef ever.

[Andrew Schultz]

The black dude?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the black Chef. Yeah, yeah, Black Chef.

[Andrew Schultz]

We call him Black Chef.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he came like. Yeah, he came to studio and cooked for us.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, nice.

[Tom Segura]

So he got a portrait.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, cool.

[Tom Segura]

You know Robert Paul Champagne? He's a New York legend. Nah, you don't know Robert Paul Champagne.

[Andrew Schultz]

What. What is the context?

[Christina P]

He's on the map.

[Tom Segura]

He's literally. You can put him in Google Maps and it shows you his address.

[Christina P]

Type in Robert Paul Champagne.

[Tom Segura]

So he is the guy who put out a video years ago just calling for all black men to come to his apartment.

[Christina P]

Black guys who like to. And good.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, that's what he said.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So anyway, that didn't hit my circle, surprisingly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's him. And yeah, there's just. So they're all just like. That guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, cool.

[Tom Segura]

And he ended up putting out tit cup videos where he. He made his tits grow and he.

[Christina P]

Also shits on French fries.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

Spent on the Internet. I've always wanted to ask.

[Christina P]

So fun.

[Tom Segura]

I actually am. I don't go that. That deep.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like a lie.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's true.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's a lie. I knew that you were locked in because I always knew that you, like, plugged into, like Internet culture. Whatever.

[Christina P]

Yeah, we just roll.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, here, let's just, like, just get this out of the way. Starting today, the moment you see this, you can go to Netflix and catch the all new special Andrew Schultz Life and Welcoming, or we're welcoming back the great Andrew Schultz, everybody.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, thank you.

[Christina P]

Welcome.

[Tom Segura]

Congratulations on the special.

[Andrew Schultz]

Thank you very much, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's awesome, man.

[Christina P]

And on a baby.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, that's the Cool.

[Tom Segura]

They're kind of intertwined.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, the special's about trying to make the baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's very cool. I'd heard about this because I would run into somebody that goes on the road with you posting.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he would. He told me, like, that theme a while ago. I was like, oh, that's really? It. But now I get to actually see it. I can't wait to see it. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Check it out, man. If you get time. It was cool. It was tough for us to get pregnant, so we talked about that briefly. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, a while ago.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. I guess I was foreshadowing. I didn't. Yeah, I didn't think it was going to be this tricky, but it was.

[Christina P]

No. And you know what's crazy is that as a woman, too, you spend most of your life trying not to get pregnant, and then that's interesting. And then one day you're like, let's do it. Let's pull the goalie and let's try it. And it is hard. It's so you. Unless you're 18 years old.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know.

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, it wasn't her fault.

[Christina P]

It wasn't your fault.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, my sperm doesn't. Yeah, yeah. The doctor said my sperm swims like Lizzo in a rip tie. I got a great doctor, if you want.

[Tom Segura]

Very cool doctor.

[Andrew Schultz]

He's got awesome parlance to describe your medical difficulties.

[Tom Segura]

That's very funny.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. No, he's. Yeah. So my sperm sucks. And. But I thought it was her fault, too, so it was. It was very surprising. And then I just started talking about on stage, and it was, like, so weird. I thought. I mean, this is kind of cliche, but I literally thought that this is, like, an anomaly that nobody goes through. And I would, like, talk about on stage and, like, these, like, guys would come up to me afterwards and they wouldn't admit it, but they'd be like, that was some funny stuff right there, man. Like, yeah, keep doing that. That was good. That was. That was good. And I was like, what's going on? And I started, like, talking to friends, and they would. Every one of them was like, oh, yeah, we're doing IVF. Like, everybody. I'm 41, so I'm a little older, obviously, but, like, I didn't know. And I was like, oh, is this, like, the last taboo thing? Is this the thing that we're, like, afraid to admit?

[Tom Segura]

That is a kind of a. That is a thing.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Which I don't think you should be embarrassed about. Like, I think it's like, your kids will really know you want them.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, that, like, fear. That kind of like the generation before us all had, which is like, did my parents even want me?

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, they came back from war and it was like, I guess we do this.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then. But yeah, like, if you do it, like, we paid. There's Like a receipt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's.

[Andrew Schultz]

It was pre meditated, you know, so did we.

[Christina P]

Because you guys did it the second.

[Tom Segura]

Day, second time around. We didn't even.

[Andrew Schultz]

I didn't know this. Have you guys spoken about this before?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Really haven't. Like, we were so in it that we didn't.

[Tom Segura]

But like, it wasn't even. We didn't even go like, let's try and then do it. We just went straight to it.

[Andrew Schultz]

You went, okay, well, because we were holding.

[Christina P]

I'll tell you why.

[Andrew Schultz]

You took a look at Cassini. Ouched.

[Tom Segura]

This kid's not going to fucking be able to eat with a fork if we do it the regular way.

[Christina P]

Because the first baby I had at 39. Like I delivered at, I think 38 or 39.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Christina P]

So I was already a geriatric pregnancy and all I had to do was take crazy term.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right.

[Christina P]

I know, it's so up. I took like one pill and I got pregnant. But then I. I had a miscarriage before that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And they said, well, now that you're 40 to go in for number baby number two.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

They're like, you know, the chances of miscarriage are like really, really high. And I didn't want to go through another miscarriage because it's so heartbreaking.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's another thing I didn't realize, like, how often people have miscarriages.

[Christina P]

Oh, yes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so often.

[Christina P]

Every. Almost everybody.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's unbelievable.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, I even think a lot of girls that are just kind of having sex regularly.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

That have like a late period. Yeah, it's not really a late period. It's a miscarriage. They just weren't aware that they were pregnant. And then when you're trying to get pregnant now, you're acutely aware of what's happening in your body. Yeah, we thought, we thought, we thought that happened. I mean, there's a. I talk about the special, but like. Yeah, we thought, we thought we lost it actually.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, it was really scary. Most started bleeding.

[Christina P]

How pregnant was she?

[Andrew Schultz]

How far along she was? That's a great question.

[Christina P]

Like, was she showing early?

[Andrew Schultz]

No, she was. It was very early. Because the story I tell in the special is actually not as tragic. But like, we went to see if there was a heartbeat and it wasn't developed enough to hear it yet. So we had to wait a week. So the doctor's like, we think it's okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's terrible.

[Andrew Schultz]

But you have to wait. So the whole week you're just like holding your breath. I'M doing podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

Reacting to shit on the Internet, like, I don't give a fuck about anything. So, yeah, it was crazy.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. So the first pregnancy we had, I was 35, I think, when we first started. I got pregnant right away. And Tommy and I were touring with YMH at the time. We were driving through Dallas. Remember, we were driving through Texas, and we just found out that the baby wasn't viable. It was. We did an ultrasound, and it was like, six weeks along, and it was dead. And the doctor, remember, she was like, well, do you want to miscarry naturally, or do you want me to abort it? And I was like, just do it naturally. So you're basically waiting for your miscarriage. And I just remember we were touring and we had to make money. I had to go to Texas the whole time, just crossing my fingers that I wouldn't miscarry, you know, on the road, God forbid. And then one time I did remember, I had a. I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve. At this point, the ball drops in Austin.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I was having a miscarriage on. As I was telling jokes. No, that's how dark that was. But. But then I was kind of used to it. You're just bleeding.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, well, I may as well just go tell these jokes on New Year's Eve. Fucking forget about it. But it. Yeah. You just have to live your life.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This death is happening or happened.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Also delivering that late. Like, having a delay. Yeah, I'm sure. Like, it's a constant concern for women, especially as you get a little bit older.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah. Eclampsia. Excuse me, do you mind?

[Tom Segura]

Sorry. I don't know if your experience was like this, but. So we. We go in for. For the second baby.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we're like, let's just do this. Like, let's not even try something.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Anything else? So then they go, okay, you know, we got. We made the potion. And then they were like, all right, you have. You have 19 embryos.

[Andrew Schultz]

You got 19.

[Christina P]

40 years old. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

19 embryos.

[Christina P]

Strongest.

[Andrew Schultz]

19 embryos or 19 eggs.

[Christina P]

No, no.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Embryos is after they. So usually you, like, half it along the process, right?

[Christina P]

No, no, I had a lot of eggs.

[Andrew Schultz]

You must have had, like, 30 eggs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you had 19 embryos. And they were all male. They were all male. And then they go. So now you get. Now we. We put them in and we rank them.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, these six have down syndrome. Do you want them I'm like, do we want them?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This one will have this disease. And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these. And they're like, well, it's up to you. Yeah, okay. And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah. And then they're like. And we have one that's rated A plus plus. And I go, we'll take fucking that one. Yeah, yeah, we'll take the A plus plus. And they're like, okay, well, you just have the choice. And I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice.

[Christina P]

There's no ch. Choice. There's one good.

[Tom Segura]

There's one good emerald at the bottom. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because.

[Tom Segura]

But some of them. I'm saying, when they said the 19, they were basically like, 11 of these are not viable.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah, we went. We went through the same thing.

[Christina P]

How did she have eggs? She had enough eggs.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah, we were lucky. We didn't. We didn't get that haul, but it was. But yeah, we. She had like, nine. And then. And then we were able to do it. And then, you know, we. We didn't choose the gender. The choosing the gender thing is kind of.

[Christina P]

That's crazy.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's kind of funny because.

[Christina P]

Wait, hold on. You can choose. Like, they can take.

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, no, you know what gender the embryo is. So you guys had all male, so. But, you know, we had both. And we were like, we. We didn't want to know. We were like. We felt like it was, like playing God a little bit too much. But after reflecting on a little bit, like, there are some countries that don't let you choose the gender. Right. I think America's, like, the only one that kind of lets you. And it. It is kind of funny because it's very rarely is someone choosing girl.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know what I mean?

[Christina P]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

So when they say you can choose the gender, they're basically saying, can you choose boy now? Yeah, it is. Right. But they can't say it like that. So the other countries, they realize, oh, everybody's just choosing boy. And we got all these chicks that are just on the shelf, so we need a. You know, we need to solve this problem. And they go, okay, you can't choose. We're just putting whatever's in there.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting.

[Andrew Schultz]

But it is rare. You go in, like. I think some people do it, like, if they've had three kids and they just want a girl.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like Charlamagne. He has four girls.

[Tom Segura]

Four girls? Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So I. And I know by the fourth you're going for the boy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So I don't think they're going to do another kid, but if they did ivf, some people go, okay, I want this locked in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, but he might have our luck. And they'd be like, hey, you have 19.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Or some people want one of each, which I understand. Hell yeah, it's awesome. But you know, I was going to say, you're right. That there's. I didn't like to be too public with it because A, what if it doesn't work and now you're embarrassed or you feel sad and it's a public sadness. And B, because of my age, I felt a little bit of shame because we're using science to do something that nature doesn't want to happen. And there's a weird shame attached to that for me.

[Andrew Schultz]

You feel guilty about going through it.

[Christina P]

Yes. Like, I'm cheating nature.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you're not supposed to.

[Christina P]

I'm not supposed to be doing this. And I know that. And you know that on some level, because I am now, hold on. I'm 48. Have a kindergartener.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm a 48 year old mom of a kindergartener.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Beautiful.

[Christina P]

Thankfully in good health. Yeah, but like, wow. That's not how nature intended that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, but we do so much. That's not how nature intended. We fly in planes. You know what I mean? There's. You have blonde hair.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Naturally.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know what I mean? Like, it's just we constantly are refuting nature's desires, so I'm not worried about that at all. And nature wants us to have babies. They just gave us some science to do it.

[Christina P]

Well, that's a good way.

[Tom Segura]

It definitely helps. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I feel like with 19 embryos, you guys would have got pregnant immediately, regularly.

[Christina P]

But then they weren't sticking. They were. The eggs were. The eggs were not perfect enough.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

I could get pregnant, but they weren't.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's why.

[Christina P]

Genetically good enough.

[Tom Segura]

With all that help, we had legitimately had one good option.

[Christina P]

Yeah. We have one good egg.

[Tom Segura]

It was one.

[Christina P]

And that was juju.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then he came out like. Like a Gerber bait. Like, he's just like, big cheeks, blue eyes, like, hey. Like, he's like a baby advertiser, you know? Oh, my God. Yes.

[Christina P]

And now he's like you.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, what the man? And I'm like, is he grossing? Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, yeah. How old are they?

[Christina P]

Six.

[Tom Segura]

Six. And he's like, why is this table here?

[Christina P]

Well, that's the fun part of having kids, as a comedian, because they're. I don't really have a gauge on what's societally normal sometimes. And I just let. Like for instance, our boys like hammers. They're just a hammer. Shit.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And they're fighting over one hammer this weekend. And I said, you know what, boys, let's go to the hardware store. I'm gonna buy you each a hammer.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay. And we're gonna buy shovels, we're gonna go to the park and you're just gonna wild out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay. Now if we'd done that in la, a million people be looking at me stink eyeing that. Your boys be toxic. MALE but in Texas they were like, look at them, boys just digging for sure. But I don't know if that's normal. Like, is that a normal thing?

[Andrew Schultz]

Judgment as parents in la? Is that what you're saying?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

I think that la, like the way that I summarize it for people is like you walk into a place in la.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

With a young kid, let's say like a three year old or something, right away they're like, ah, it's gonna.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, it's an inconvenience.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And they're like, is he gonna. And then in Texas, you walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go, it's a kid.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah. That's just like family value.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're like, it's what kids do. Yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I've noticed that traveling to, like when my wife was pregnant, we were in Mexico, we were in Italy. The excitement around her being pregnant was amazing.

[Tom Segura]

They were like, so.

[Andrew Schultz]

And they start telling you about their kids and like what their first time pregnant was. There's this like beautiful excitement around it. And New York, nobody's getting off the bus. You know, there's not like, I remember being a child, my mom was pregnant with my, my brother, nine months pregnant with my brother. And my mom's from Scotland and nobody would get up and she. I remember my mom, my mom standing up and I'm on the bus and I'm five, five years old. And she just goes, you call yourselves men. It was like a Braveheart speech in the middle of the fucking bus. You call yourselves men.

[Tom Segura]

You're cowards.

[Andrew Schultz]

A pregnant woman standing on the bus. And then some guy like sheepishly got up and she goes, I don't want it anymore. Just chastising this whole bus. But people don't give a. They really don't care.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it is like, don't care. But you know, that does feel more like in New York, you're like, yeah, this is, yeah, we, we see it all here.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, it's also like, you don't come here to have kids. You know, like New York, there's a purpose. You come here to make it in whatever your field is.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then some of us are crazy enough to be born there or create families there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But it's not really built for that.

[Tom Segura]

And you, you live in the city, right?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah. Born and raised.

[Christina P]

But you know what New York City kids like. When I go to New York and I watch a like 10 year old.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

We're the coolest friend. Yeah. And they're ordering their from Starbucks. They've got backpacks. We know where they're going.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's. That is something that like I want to have there to be like a little more confidence. I feel like now that like, you know, the liberal cities are getting on and all that kind of stuff like that, it's just like, yeah, okay, whatever. But you're not gonna live in Montana. Like it's fun to go to for a week or whatever. It's just not reality. Like it's the end of the day when you're sitting and dreaming about like what your life could be like, you know, it's either you have this beautiful home and all your family and everybody are living around you, or you're going after it. In New York, Miami, Louisiana. Maybe you guys can build Austin into it, you know what I mean? But like it's not there yet. Like, you know what I mean? Like just, just be honest. Like just. I think if you're a young comedian, come here. This is where the industry is right there. And by industry I mean literally you guys, Joe, Kill, Tony, like this is where I see comedians exploding.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of are moving here if you're young.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like I was born and raised in New York.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So for me to leave, that is a big deal. If you're from Maine and you move to New York to be a stand up comedian and you have no real attachment to the city and you can't get anything going and you see all these people out in Austin, this becomes accessible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. I think if you go to New York, you're 21 right now, you're like, I'm gonna start doing a stand up. You do go like, well, where the fuck do I start? Where Do I go also?

[Andrew Schultz]

Do you see them cracking off in New York? That's, that's what I would look at. Like the landscape before when we were younger was okay. I see people getting on like premium blend or whatever that is. And then in la there was like maybe a version of that as well, but like Comedy Centrals in both of these areas. Yeah, I don't see people blowing up of Comedy Central. I see people blown off of clips.

[Tom Segura]

Clips kill.

[Andrew Schultz]

Tony coming on pods and like getting into these ecosystems. And in New York, I don't really see a thing in this moment where people are exploding out of like, that's an issue.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, I think about this now, like, special's over. It's like, I think I want to like make something specifically for that. I want to have like a property where young comics can, can build a career out of or at least like get a spotlight on them, you know, because I don't feel like it's there. And to me, if I'm a young comic there, I'm going, oh, well, there are these other places with those spotlights.

[Tom Segura]

I think you can get on your feet quicker in an Austin, right? Like, yeah, if you go, I'm going to New York or I'm going to la, you know, your goal is like, I want to be at the Cellar or I want to be at the store or something. Yeah, but you just go like, well, it's going to take years, a long time.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's the thing. It's daunting. We're like, here, you come out and do it.

[Tom Segura]

You could probably, you can get on that stage.

[Andrew Schultz]

There's less competition here. My choice, like, like the high level guys are elite and then there's like a big gap and then there's like really talented four or five level. Four or five year guys. Yeah, but there's not a lot of like the 10, 12 year professional comedian.

[Tom Segura]

True.

[Andrew Schultz]

And that's what New York has.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I think that's what LA has. It's just like the 12 year guys that go up and they crush and the first time you see him, you're like, who the fuck is this guy? Like what's. And there's just 100 of them and that's, I think, where you kind of really kind of set the standard for your comedy. Yeah, like that word for me, like following Greer Barnes for a decade, you're just like, holy shit, this is the funniest human being I've ever. It's like the audience just thought it was the funniest you're following Mike Britt for a decade. Once Austin attracts all those, then.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Yeah. True.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, because think about the four or five year guys. They got to follow that, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Like makes you stronger.

[Christina P]

Yeah, definitely.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's what we went through.

[Tom Segura]

Like I was thinking about, like when I thought about you coming in, I was like thinking about how many New York guys make me laugh so hard that are like, you know, that are good ones.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Because I just had the. Stefano came out.

[Andrew Schultz]

Chrissy. Hilarious.

[Tom Segura]

He came out to Chicago and did the show with me over the weekend.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he is so funny on stage and off.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, yeah. Great hang too. Great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I was thinking of like the. Well, like Tim Dillon's a New Yorker. Yeah. He's such a ridiculous.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Funny guy. The guests, they're Philly guys, but they're. They live in New York. That are you garbage guys.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But like they have. You guys all have that. There's like that east coast kind of type of person.

[Andrew Schultz]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Quality to them that is like. They say they're unapologetic. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Just so opinionated about everything.

[Tom Segura]

Opinionated. Heavily.

[Andrew Schultz]

Really? That's what it comes down.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing. You realize this after you do standard for a while. You cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions.

[Andrew Schultz]

Strong opinions you have to have.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't have to be right or wrong.

[Andrew Schultz]

It doesn't matter.

[Tom Segura]

It just have to feel a strong way.

[Andrew Schultz]

And that is New York, like in a nutshell. And maybe even the Northeast. It's just like strong opinions. Completely uninformed.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And we don't care.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Andrew Schultz]

If you can ask somebody from New York how they feel about anything, it could be wooden tables. And they will tell you immediately how.

[Tom Segura]

They feel about it. Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And with nothing backing it at all.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like just. Should we buy Greenland? I'm not going to pay for it. It'd be nice to have, you know, just an immediate opinion. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That doesn't even have to be log logic there at all. Like the less logic the better. And it's just strong feelings. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And sometimes you don't know if they believe it and it really doesn't matter.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's beautiful. It is pretty beautiful, actually.

[Christina P]

You seem so. You've changed, I think, since you've had a child.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, no way.

[Christina P]

I sense a calmness and a stillness.

[Andrew Schultz]

Cool. Yeah. I'm gay now.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you're gay. You're sucking. You're butt rimming. Is that accurate? Am I being accurate?

[Andrew Schultz]

Are you just like, yeah, I wonder. I think there's a. I think so.

[Tom Segura]

There's a grounding force that happens.

[Andrew Schultz]

I just care less. Like. Yeah, like, I've There. My world is, like, small in terms of the things I care about, for sure. So it's like, I care about how my. My wife and my family feel about me. My immediate friends, of course. And. Yeah, it's just. I'm very satisfied with that. Whereas before, what the world thinks about you is really important. You're so concerned, like, will I be able to achieve my dreams? And what if this thing happens or that thing happens? And obviously I went through, like, you know, a million different crazy things, but. But, yeah, just. I just don't really care about them as much anymore.

[Christina P]

Isn't that liberating, though?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I agree. Since I had breast cancer, I don't have it anymore.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But you go through that part of.

[Andrew Schultz]

The research I did on.

[Christina P]

Okay. Yeah, but it. It totally, like, fillets you. It opens your. Your whole up, and you're like, whoa, like, I'm gonna die.

[Andrew Schultz]

Did you think you were gonna be out of here?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow.

[Christina P]

Of course. You get that diagnosis and you're like, well, how bad is it? Well, we don't know for two weeks. So that. Two weeks of sweating it out and waiting. We went to Italy, thank God, and had a good time. But, like, you start to go, like, well, what's really important here? I've got time, a certain amount of time left on this planet. What's it gonna be? Is it gonna be like, whatever. Whatever your priorities?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. What did you want to do at that time?

[Christina P]

Well, at first, I was more concerned about touring and being a famous comedian and accolades and. And now I don't care as much. It's really like, I'm hydroponic gardening.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I have a cat.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm really into my cat.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm relearning Hungarian. I'm playing the drums. Like, just doing things that I. That nourish you didn't love, couldn't do because I was so focused on being the driven comedian and trying to make it, which we all are.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's so, like, outside in. Right. It's like, it's out of your control.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right. It's like, if these people like you, they like you. If they don't like you, don't. If you have, like, cultural utility in that moment.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, like, Yakov Smirnoff is. Is. I don't know that much about A stand up. But I imagine the fact that like, we're in a cold worth Russia probably leaned into some of the success and interest in that person.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So a lot of times with comedy, it's like, do you have cultural utility?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And that decides how meteoric your rise is.

[Christina P]

So weird.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, so. But yeah, it's cool that you're just doing the things that make you happy. Time. And you can't get that time back. That's.

[Christina P]

That's the biggest one.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. And maybe as we get older, it's way more apparent. I never considered time at all.

[Tom Segura]

It definitely, it definitely hits you more with every year.

[Andrew Schultz]

And like, every person I talk to talks about how fast they, they, they grow. The kids. Yeah, yeah, the kids is really interesting. Like, hearing people talk about their kids really brings out the best version of themselves in a lot of ways. And it's kind of beautiful. My experience with, with kids a lot of times, especially with comedians, is like the jokes they make about them. And a lot of times, like, when I was growing up, it was. They were hating their kids and it was kind of funny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And. But now that I have a kid, I'm like, I. I don't believe you hate your kid at all. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's like, I think Bernie Mac loved those kids.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, and I never thought he hated them. And I was like, oh, they annoy him. But there's a beautiful love that he's gonna take in these children that aren't even his.

[Tom Segura]

It's an angle. You know, you have to have like some angle on stage with something. And the truth is like, like when, you know, we talk about our kids usually either on a podcast or, or on stage, you are. The end goal is laughs. Right. So you're, you're saying. And you're kind of sharing one note. Yeah. Because like, does somebody really want me to be like, let me tell you how adorable.

[Andrew Schultz]

No, not at all.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they don't want to hear it.

[Andrew Schultz]

And also it's like, what is it? Like the old Borschpel comedy, you know, Take my wife, please.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's like that is the momentary feeling like your kids will do something that for like two seconds you will have this like, crazy reaction to. And that's usually the funniest thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I guess when I tried to tell people that, like, maybe don't understand comedy that much. It's like the, our opinions are not like, how we feel all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It is the knee jerk emotional reaction that we Know is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But it's funny for that reason.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, oh, sharing. This is funny. This is a funny thing to share.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The rest of it, you. You get just more savvy at being like, don't share the fat. And like, nobody wants to hear how sweet something was.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On stage.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, last dude yesterday, I was with my old. My older sister is not.

[Andrew Schultz]

But I do like hearing that from people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's fun to talk about with like somebody, but like, like our nine year old, I was like doing his homework with him and I was like, he was around. I was like, dude, you gotta focus. And he's like. He's like just off. And I was like, come on, man. You know what? We're just not gonna. He's like, I think somebody just needs a big. And he gave me a big hug and I was like, I love it. Okay. He's like, better. I go, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Just read parenting you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But there's also too something about the suffering of having a child. The suffering, like for the woman, it's the pregnancy, it's the physical suffering. Your body literally splits in half. You know, your pelvis opens and this thing comes out of you and you're changed forever. And there's life before children and life after. And you can't go back to the life you had before. You have to become a totally different human being.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And there's something in that selflessness, that suffering, especially at your level of first few years where it's so. They're so needy, they're so. Everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy and just keeping them.

[Andrew Schultz]

Alive so much Mommy, it's more mommy. I get to come in and have fun with her.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, it's great.

[Christina P]

But for girls, you're so important too. You're going to set her up for her marriage. And I think the most important decision you can make is who you marry.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is it. If you marry the wrong man, woman, you're fuck. Your life is fucked.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is.90% of your life is who you married, marry.

[Andrew Schultz]

Did you ever want to. Did you ever want to stop doing stand up when you were kids?

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. Because I loved them so much and I felt so guilty leaving them.

[Andrew Schultz]

Interesting.

[Christina P]

I want to stop doing it now because I love my kids so much. And I am. I'm taking down a couple years. I'm gonna be with my kids. They need me.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. There is like a weird so My wife was. She's a very successful woman. You know, she got her mba, she's working for Apple, she's like managing AI projects. And like she had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that she didn't want to do that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And she just wanted to be a mom.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Even the sentence just want to be a mom. And there's this like weird thing that I've noticed it. It's like, like people would ask her that she bumped it, that she worked with. They would, they'd go, so where are you working now? And it was like the hardest thing in the world for her to be like, oh, I'm not, I'm. I'm just a mom. And I wonder if places like Texas or. It's maybe not as, I won't say like criticized, but maybe like potentially like look down upon.

[Christina P]

It's more celebrated. It's more normal to be a stay at home mom here.

[Andrew Schultz]

But that is, that is a weird thing. And maybe that's like what you sacrifice when the pendulum kind of swings. Like, obviously, you know, my mom, my dad like worked for my mom. Like we have women work, women do all these things. You can do whatever you want. But when the pendulum swings in a certain direction where it's like, hey, women, you got to get out there and you got to do this. And then it almost leaves behind this idea that like taking care of your kids isn't getting out there and doing it. Yeah. I wonder how we get, how we like create societal value in that again.

[Christina P]

Well, the thing is, is that women got into men's spaces, right? We're gonna go and work, we're gonna be in your space. But men don't wanna be in our space.

[Andrew Schultz]

I was having a conversation, I was having a conversation with some girls that work for me about this and that. You know, there's like this trad wife trend that's coming back. Have you heard about this?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So like a traditional trad was a trad cath or some shit like that traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is. So I guess a lot of women now just going like, yo, I'm good. Just being like that housewife. This is, this is great. And I was like, where is that kind of coming from? And they're like, they had an interesting thing. They're like, we thought when we worked. Right. That you guys would also take on some of the things that we used to do. So for example, you used to work. We used to take care of the house. Now we work and you work but you also take care of the house. And we're like, where the fuck did you get that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, no, they don't.

[Tom Segura]

Just not happening.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. So. So now you gotta work and take.

[Christina P]

Care of the house dummies too much. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And here's the problem. We don't care if the house is dirty. Like, right. Like. Like so. So. And it is just like a. We're not meeting expectations. So you'll think when you clean the house, you're cleaning it for me, but I don't need it clean.

[Christina P]

No.

[Andrew Schultz]

But you resent me, right, for not helping you do the things.

[Christina P]

Do the girl things. The girl. Yeah, in the house. But you guys don't want to do it. Nobody. Nobody said, in the man's world, I want to be in a woman's world. Women said, I want to be in the man's world.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay, great. You want to join us? Great. We did that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But the problem with feminism in the women's movement.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It didn't account for becoming a mother. There was Gloria Steinem, God bless her. I love. I. I don't hate these people. I'm just saying there was. Gloria never had babies. So how the. Do we do what the men are doing and be a good mother?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's all. It's so hard to do both at the same time.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's almost impossible.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's like. It's almost like those traditional gender roles exist for a reason.

[Christina P]

Oh, you mean like thousands of years.

[Tom Segura]

Of evolution happen this way?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And just because the modern world took its turn and evolved to what it is.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictated.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then you find that, like a lot of women, it's the. The problem isn't the choice to be like, I want to be. It's the, you know, it's the looking down on it.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's. That's. What's the criticism. The pretentiousness.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I feel like that's kind of.

[Tom Segura]

And it is probably stronger in a city like New York where they're like, oh, you can't. Well, you can't fucking do both. Like, it's like, I also.

[Andrew Schultz]

I also feel like there's a little bit of self hatred there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's like, I think some. Some women are kind of envious of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose, this thing to live for.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And they've dedicated their entire life to, you know, working at this job, that they might not Even fudgeing, like.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

But they got that VP title.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But now they're 45 with the VP title. And all their friends have these beautiful families. They can't go out to dinner every Tuesday.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

They're busy. And it's. Yeah. Maybe they feel. They feel kind of like lied to or manipulated.

[Christina P]

They are. Because what's the. So the way I see it, too. Look, look, some women have to work as well as the husband. This is just a fact of reality.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, Most.

[Christina P]

Yes, I totally. And I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I can just be a mom.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I'm so. It's such a fucking honor. But I think the point is, is that there. It's not bringing in revenue. It's. It's not what the male value is. Right. Because you guys have to generate revenue to be considered a valid part of society.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So women bought into this too. Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars, if I'm not making bread, I'm useless too.

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, you know, if you are different value. Go make bread. That's. I got nothing wrong with that. Like, for real. Like, you know, my mom. My mom killed it, so. And. And my dad was more the caregiver, to be honest. Really?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Way too.

[Christina P]

Tell me about this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, he was just. He was just, like. It's more in his nature. Like, I was with my dad, I think, for the first, like, six months of my life. My dad took off work and my. Because my mom would teach dance lessons. That was their business. And my dad was working for NBC, was like, doing like a news segments. He would produce the news. And then. So he was able to take, like, a paternity leave, unpaid at the time, but you could take time off without being fired. So I was just with him for, like, the first three months of my life. And I think that he's awesome. Like, he's the greatest ever. He's like my hero. But I do think that there was something that happened there in that Bonnie experience. Like. Yeah, he's just. Yeah, he's just. He's just a man.

[Christina P]

He's. Is he. Is he a softer. Is he more emotionally attuned than your mother?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, no, my mom. Like, you could talk to my mom about anything. But there's just. He's just. His dad was horrible, and it's almost like he just made a decision.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

If I have kids, I'm not gonna be that.

[Christina P]

That's right.

[Andrew Schultz]

And he was at every single. Like, right now he has dementia. I could call Him. I could be like, hey, you want to come to the show tonight? And he'll be like, yeah, sure. Like, where is it? And then he'll forget and I'll call him back and make you want to come to the show. And every single time, it would be the same answer.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. He would come to every single show that I could ever. He introduces me in the special, actually.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he does?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I love the. That MSG thing you did with him.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, yeah. I was. He. I had to tell him we were at MSG like, 20 different times while we were there. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny. Like, my. He. He offered to get my wife pregnant. Like, I go there. I go to see him every week. And, you know, I was like, yeah, we're, you know, kind of struggling to get pregnant. And his. His joke would be like, hey, you need some help? I can, you know, I could take care of it for you. And then next week. Yeah, we're still kind of struggling if you need some help, you know, I mean, he delivered the same joke for, like, three months.

[Christina P]

Still funny, though, every single time. So how did you resolve your sperm issue?

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, we did ivf. So basically what they can do is they call it cleaning the sperm they washed. So they washed it. Yeah. And then they found a couple good ones. And I think we even did this thing called, like, ICSI or something like that where they. I mean, I. I did the least amount of work to get my wife pregnant. Like, I think they actually took an individual sperm and they put it at the door. They did, like, a door knock and dash or whatever that thing is, and they put it right on the egg.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then you're just like, come on, do the rest. And then.

[Tom Segura]

Did you get. Did you watch porn to jerk off? Yeah, in a. They took me to a room.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. That's what I did.

[Tom Segura]

It was old Filipino nurse.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And she was like, here, remote. You watch your movies.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then my joke to her, I was like, do you stay in the room?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, no, yeah, I have a. I have a. This is a large part of. At the end.

[Tom Segura]

Did you find it, by the way? So. So I have to pee.

[Christina P]

I have a uti.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

What?

[Tom Segura]

She's going to go pee.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, you have a uti. Okay, go, go, go. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So one of the things about, like, a themed special.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I find it really, like, impressive and challenging because, you know, a lot of times you're up there and, you know, we have our bits About a topic and the shit's over.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, it's over. Yeah. And then I've seen usually, like, UK comics.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because they'll do the festival. The festival circuit. So basically they'll do. Here's like, you know, here's the theme.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

My dad.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's just a hour.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm always like, well, you know, that's. That's. It feels like a big hurdle. I remember Ari did that one. Jew.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which is really fantastic. It's really, really good. And it was a theme that I was like, that's really like. Did you. Did you set out to make it an hour?

[Andrew Schultz]

I didn't know that that's what it was gonna be. And then I was going through it. It was the only thing on my mind. Like, I couldn't write a joke about, like, some, like, the trans swimmer or something. Like, all these topical things would happen, which is usually really fun. Like, even if it's not going to go in a longer piece, it's like, oh, my brain will kind of chew on it and I'll find an angle. And I just couldn't give a fuck about any of it. And then I started talking about this. And I'd never been personal in my comedy. Like, I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I always felt like my opinions on shit was more.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I started talking about it and it was like, oh, it's, like, really cathartic. It's really fun. And then I found out about it was my problem with the sperm. And then I felt a little bit more comfortable doing the sharing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

When I. When it could have been.

[Tom Segura]

It's not like she's the fucking.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, it's. It's in. Which is also, like, it's vulnerable, but it's also. It's more permission to laugh from them.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because you think about her. I remember even earlier doing it, talking about, like, how difficult it was to get pregnant before I knew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I could feel the women in the audience, like, being concerned for her because every one of them, especially New York, they don't have kids until they're way older. Like, they're like, oh, fuck, is that going to be me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And the second I tell them it's me, the way these women laugh.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, yeah, they're happy almost.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I always find, too, like, I don't even feel like it's conscious, necessarily.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That as I'm always putting together new hours, that first bit where. Where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like the room just leans in and they go, oh, great.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, you know, I was talking to Ari, Matty, you know, Ari, Maddie, last night, he had an interesting observation about American stand up, where it's. It is. And how it's different from, like, European stand up, where there is much less pretentiousness. He goes, like, European stand up. And I don't know if this is entirely true, but. And I wouldn't say all of it. Right, right. Like, my mom was born and raised in Scotland, so I watched, like, a lot of Scottish stand up and listened to it growing up. And I. There were definitely parallels, but he goes, it comes from this theater culture where, like, the person on stage is the smartest person.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And you are all dumber. And you will listen to these smart thoughts that I have.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

An American standup is. Nah, I'm dumb. I'm dumb too. Or I'm going through it. Or I'm having this, like, emotional turmoil and I'm in here with you. Like, we're starting in these comedy clubs where we are. You're at a chair right next to me, and you're probably going through this thing. Like, me, I never really thought about, like, that, but there is something connective, and I think that's why it's so synonymous with, like, American art forms. Like, when people think about stand up, you. It's the American thing. I don't care. Around the world, it's our thing. And I think it is our relation to the audience in that way. We're not speaking above them right now. We're almost beneath them at times. We're, like, inviting you to laugh at the most brutal thing that we might have gone through.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The more that, like, you're humiliated in something.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The more the audience leans in, I was like, I like this guy.

[Andrew Schultz]

I like this guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's. There's a. Yes. It's like, even like, the. When they roast the president, the correspondence dinner. Like, I think it's an awesome American tradition to, like, humble the most powerful person on the planet.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Andrew Schultz]

It makes me really patriotic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, we got a sense of humor about ourselves. Like, you're the most powerful person in the land and you're gonna sit down here and take these jokes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

From someone who's got 30 minutes on Hulu.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Do you know what I mean? Like, and we all get to laugh at you.

[Christina P]

Like, that's so good.

[Tom Segura]

It's true.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's Amazing.

[Tom Segura]

And you think about with stand up, like the more flaws you have, the funnier like, especially like, you know, physical flaws.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh yeah, right.

[Tom Segura]

Like if you got the big nose. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Fat.

[Tom Segura]

If you've got a gap tooth, all that is like, yeah. People go, oh, I like this guy.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like I like his flaws.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, it's an invitation to be like, this is imperfect person. Because stand up, you can't be the sexiest, coolest person ever.

[Christina P]

It doesn't work forever. And especially as a woman, I feel like if you're playing like the hot girl card.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

There's a real expiration date on that. I'd say you hit the wall at 40.

[Andrew Schultz]

It can become shtick too. Like, I think it's really enticing when you first see it, you know, and then if it's just the same thing over and over again, I think we kind of hear we got it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, we get it. But I couldn't wait to get older, uglier, wrinklier and fatter and more authoritative.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Because now. And I haven't been on stage in.

[Andrew Schultz]

A while, but that's a, that's a really, that's a confidence statement right there. I was too hot when I was younger.

[Christina P]

Nobody just, just by virtue of being young and blonde and I had great tits and you know, just by virtue of being a 28 year old blonde chicken. And I don't even, you know, in the standup world I was a hottie. But I remember regular world.

[Tom Segura]

I went to her show one time, she was in Florida somewhere. And I go to, to the bathroom.

[Christina P]

Oh God.

[Tom Segura]

And the guys, guys at the urinal. And then he's like, he talks, he tells another guy, he's like, chick on stage. And he's like, oh, yeah, how are tits?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, yeah, pretty good. I was like, that's what they're dealing with is they're like, yeah, just what's, what are those tits?

[Christina P]

Like just by virtue of your being a woman. Doesn't matter if you're a child.

[Andrew Schultz]

I just want to point out girls do this too. So I had a, a girl tell me that like she was at the bathroom of one of my shows and the girls were talking about the size of my hands. Now I'm not saying this is like some braggadocious thing. I don't think my hands are kind of. Maybe I have like a little bit bigger hands. But like it, we're still just objectifying the thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

The light is on, you know.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're like, what's that bulge? Like, check out his bulge.

[Andrew Schultz]

Definitely weren't saying that at all.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Anyway, the only thirsty comments I ever get on Instagram are dudes.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now you got to be getting now that you're skinny and, like, ripped.

[Tom Segura]

It's dudes, though. Like, dudes are the ones that maybe a woman thinks it, but a guy comments, yeah, the guy is, like, looking sexy.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're baiting right now. Now, this is good. Now the girls are going to be in your DMs.

[Christina P]

True. Stop.

[Andrew Schultz]

But anyway, doing the theme thing I think was interesting is that telling a story. You're really good at this. I watch your stand up, and you're, like, a natural storyteller. But, like, it's, there's, like, a real skill to telling stories that people, I think, don't realize.

[Tom Segura]

I think so for sure. Over especially, you realize that first you watch it. Because I remember being like, my favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell a story. Like, tell, like, be like, this is what happened today.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, oh, I want to do that.

[Andrew Schultz]

He's incredible at commanding attention.

[Tom Segura]

It's so good.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I realized, as a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet. In other words, like, it was something that I was trying to evolve into.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because I was good at doing it this way. Like, telling friends what happened over the weekend.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, that was like, such a good. But I couldn't do it on stage, but I always wanted to do it on stage. And then you realize that, like, the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story.

[Andrew Schultz]

Interesting.

[Tom Segura]

And then, you know, and then you, there's funny moments in it. And then you go, okay, all this information is not needed.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, and, oh, you're saying you keep it fat. And then you whittle it down.

[Tom Segura]

And then you whittle it down.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, Yeah. I, I, I was like, what, what, what makes a story so compelling? Like, I'm trying to understand, because if somebody walks in a room right now and goes, hey, guys, I got this, this crazy story. Like, we'll give you 15 seconds.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Anybody? It's. And then I, I was even doing, like, some research on it. Apparently, it's like our oldest form of digesting information. Like, we remember stories in a way that we don't remember just, like, facts or just random information. But stories kind of get, like, locked in our brains.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's the reason why like the Bible is all stories. It's not like, hey, here are the rules. It's like, well, let me show you the rules and then maybe you'll figure out this story. And so I started reading all these books about like storytelling and like understanding like 3 arc structure and all this kind of shit. And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story. And then I was like, I don't want anybody coming to the show to know that it's a story.

[Tom Segura]

Got it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because I feel like sometimes with the one man show stuff, you're basically asking the audience to lower their bar for humor.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because there is a compelling, thoughtful journey you're there about to go on. And I didn't want that. Like, I want you to come expecting the hard hitting. Stand up and see if I can get you to like, I can almost like trick you into this story. So in the beginning you don't even know it's a story. You just think I'm kind of like riffing. I'll say some stuff. Oh yeah. I even tell them about having the baby like up front. So like I take this idea of us not being able to have one out of it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then there's some things that happen, whatever. But. But yeah, it was, it was cool to like take that on. Yeah, yeah, it was a really cool. And you can see the energy is different. Like there are moments where I'm just doing jokes and there's moments where I'm like telling you a story and you really want to know what's going on. And maybe it's, I'm biased, but I'm there watching it back and I can feel the audience like, okay, I'd really like to know where this is going.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Opposed to a joke where they're like, like, where's the, where's the trick coming?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly.

[Christina P]

That's interesting.

[Tom Segura]

The other thing that like sounds like you did it in this. I learned over the time telling stories on stage is that the work isn't so much in. Like you've. Part of it is like you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not. It's. Why are you telling the story? And if you, if like, like in other words, what's your way in? And the way in is how is whether the audit. The story has stakes.

[Andrew Schultz]

Can you give me an example of that?

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's like you, you just being like telling a story about. Yeah. Having. Putting sperm in a Cup.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of funny on its own. Yeah. Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But if the lead up to that is that I've been trying to have a baby struggling, this didn't work. Now this story has way more stakes and is funnier.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right. And so a lot of times, like, I'll see guys tell, like, a pretty funny story.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, yeah, that. You don't really need to work on that story.

[Andrew Schultz]

You just had to set up the stuff.

[Tom Segura]

You need to set it up better.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. It's really. Yeah. I almost feel like the art of storytelling is not appreciated enough because it comes across so naturally. Like.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're at a bar and there's some Irish guy, red face. That's just a funniest storyteller. And it's so organic to. My brother is like, this amazing storyteller. It just. He tells the craziest things, and he knows how to organize it so naturally. So when I think we see it on stage, we don't understand that that type of, like, thought and attention to detail goes into it.

[Tom Segura]

Goes into it. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, we're creating a vessel for your interest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now you're interested. And now we have to maintain that interest and up the stakes kind of every single time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

If everything's kind of working out, you're bored.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know what's an episode of Curb destruction?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Every moment is this car crash. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. The. The why is like, the work. I think so.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you'll have a fun story. Let's say you have a, you know, fun story between you guys or with. With your kid. How much are you putting into the why?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, sometimes, like, I would say.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, you backing the Y into it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So, like, even, like when I. On. On tour right now, I'm closing with a story, and it's a funny story on its own, but I kind of worked out this reason for telling.

[Andrew Schultz]

Can you give me, like, a past joke? Because I don't want you to give away.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Something that you're.

[Tom Segura]

Let me think of a. Of a past.

[Christina P]

Oh, the keys in the toilet.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that. That kind of falls into. Because, like, kids stories you kind of can introduce the idea of, like, here are. Here are. You know, my kids are like. And you start telling the stories so those you don't have to, like, give the stakes to necessarily. I'm trying to think of, like, the. Wasn't it. There was the story about that fight that I witnessed in Philadelphia.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I. I saw this. This fight in a park.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

In Philly. I'm trying to remember now. I'm trying to remember.

[Christina P]

People jumped in. Remember?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was all. Well, I had. Yeah. So I had a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Right. And so the. The jokes about that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Set up the story. In other words, I said that like. Like a black guy who sees another.

[Andrew Schultz]

Black guy getting beat up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He'll be like, I don't know who this is, but that he's my brother. And if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up, he's like, I don't know that guy. I don't give a. About that guy.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's good.

[Tom Segura]

And so those jokes set up the story, which is. I witnessed a racial fight.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

In. In this park in Philadelphia. Literally going on a walk.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park. The N bomb.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was like. This was like. Immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this. And then the. The. I was like, I saw a black guy. I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bush and he came out, and, like, these guys were pummeling this guy.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I yelled something, and then they looked at me, and I was like, no, no, no. I'm saying you guys get. But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying. I can't even think of.

[Christina P]

Actually.

[Tom Segura]

Let me think for a second. You guys talk, and I'll pull up a. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm really curious about this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because again, it's like one of those things where it's so natural that I think we don't realize the amount of skill that goes into it.

[Christina P]

For sure. And also, my shrink and I were talking about storytelling and why it's so useful. It's because you can't. For instance, if I were to tell my child, be brave. Okay. But if you tell someone the story, and it's unconsciously, you're connecting to elements, when someone holds up just a mirror to you, you're not gonna see yourself unless you go, like, oh, that's cool. I like that character who did this and that. And it's so unconsciously, they say, more.

[Andrew Schultz]

Is caught than taught. Have you heard that?

[Christina P]

Oh, tell me.

[Andrew Schultz]

And this is not like, stories, but it's just like, you know, our kids just learn so much from observing us.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right. And we tell them what to do all the time. But I don't even remember anything, really, that I think my dad told me to apologize. He's like. He said something about the importance of apologizing, and my wife might disagree with this, but I. I think I'm. I can apologize when I do things wrong, you know? Yeah. So. But outside of that, I just observed him doing.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And that was the litmus test for behavior.

[Christina P]

Now, is your dad American?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Is he Jewish?

[Andrew Schultz]

No. Oh, with Schultz, most people think I'm Jewish. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They do.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. I'm not Jewish. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Where's the Schultz?

[Andrew Schultz]

So I can. I can vouch for the Jews right now that they've been going through it, because I get all that, and I can't write back to the comments when someone's calling me, like, Zionist scum. I can't be. But I'm not even Jewish. So I just sit there. I take it.

[Christina P]

Well, it's interesting you're talking about stand up, because aren't Jews the. Like, the origin story of stand up comedy, doesn't it come from.

[Tom Segura]

I thought of one.

[Andrew Schultz]

Come from Jews?

[Christina P]

No, the. You know what? You said the word. The Catskills.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, yeah. The borsch belt.

[Christina P]

The borsch belt.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. I don't know if Juice started it, but. But they're definitely, you know, prevalent.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I want to say it starts with Jewish.

[Andrew Schultz]

Really?

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Andrew Schultz]

I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I have a good example.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

So I remember I had this story that a woman had told me.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

About the time she ended up basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu Tang Clan. Right. And. And so I had this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hold on. Okay. Is this how you set it up or.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. Okay, I'm telling. I'm giving you the.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're giving me the breakdown.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, Breakdown.

[Andrew Schultz]

But you'll let me know when you get to set up.

[Tom Segura]

So I have this story that is funny in and of itself.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But it's like, what is the way into this story to make it, like, more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group. And so the. The work for me was like, okay, figuring it out. The way in. The way in was that. That was leading up to it. I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher. How she would always. If I was like, I want to do this. She's a dream crusher.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that was. I would tell that before. I'd have jokes about how I used to be like, I want to do stand up. She's like, you should get a job at the post office. And, like, they have benefits. And I'm like, I don't fucking work at the post office. And I would talk about all how she's like such a dream crusher. Yeah. This would then end up with me saying, the thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter if you achieve your dream. It matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you even if you don't reach your ultimate goal. Yeah. That would take me into the story about the girl blowing the nine guys in the woods.

[Christina P]

Amazing.

[Tom Segura]

So it was like that gave that story the meaning of, like, this is a woman going for her treats now. She ended up crying and she was very sad about blowing those nine guys.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But the story was pretty funny.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And the way in was what made it a much stronger story.

[Andrew Schultz]

100%. Yeah. Now you're not just telling this sex story.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You've positioned her as a dreamer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I was like, this is what she's always wanted.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

She's a winner.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I think, like, when. Whenever we do that for those types of bits, like story bits.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You give your story much more power.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. I actually think that, like, jokes put into story. Like there's been jokes that I have that are. They're just an idea.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I don't care what it is. Like plastic straws or something like that. That. That plastic straw idea can fit within a story.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

100%.

[Christina P]

Plug them in.

[Andrew Schultz]

And the way that people attach themselves to it is much deeper when that happens. Like. Like I find like the guys who are just, like, doing the one line stuff, it's fine. But I don't know how attached I ever get to them. But like the storytellers, I imagine you guys probably have this with your audience is like they feel like they really.

[Tom Segura]

Know you a thousand percent. Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And that deeper connection.

[Tom Segura]

And if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then you get. It's double that. You get like, that's such a great joke. And now it actually enhanced your story.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. There's that. What was the thing about, like, the turtles? I think somebody was saying that, oh, God, I'm fucking up. But like this idea that, you know, we got to save the turtles or whatever, and it's just like. It's like, how fast does a turtle have to swim into a straw for it to get lost? You know, so it's like there's the idea but that could also be you on the beach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, I mean, you're in this beautiful. You're creating the setting. You have your funny, you have your out.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

And now everything before that is just building to that moment.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. The stories. I, I love watching stories. I mean, that's why I think I got into it is like, yeah, who'd you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, who'd you.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, look, the first guy that I ever saw do stamp where I was like, what is this? Was Cosby.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And it was that special Bill Cosby himself.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which is like him on a stool. And it is just long. Like there's like a 17 minute story about going to dentist. Yeah. You know, you're like, this is great. And you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You just think that, like. Which is what you want.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's the calming effect of the story.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

We're all sitting by the campfire, we're relaxing. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, this guy's just so funny.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm trying to think of other, other stories that I just like really lock in and remember there's that bird one with the helicopter.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I remember dying that. And I remember like specific punch lines.

[Tom Segura]

I know you just kind of. But you, you like refer to it as like. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Isn't that weird?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

It just gets baked in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

In a different way. And I thought about this when I was doing this, this tour because I knew we were going to do these, these, these bigger venues. I was concerned about doing the arenas with just jokes because I was like an hour of just jokes. I don't know if that's going to hold their attention. I was like, what can. What is going to hold their attention? And when they're on the train, the moving train of a story, now there's an investment in what's happening in the end of this.

[Tom Segura]

Aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're, you're like, there's 15, 000 people and you're, you're telling this part and you can hear like nothing in there. And then, you know, you got.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's how you know they're really locked.

[Tom Segura]

They're really locked in. And then you get to your punchline, you hear the huge. You're like, wow. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, I think you could do if you're. If you're doing one, you know, the. I don't want to seem like I'm knocking one liners. Maybe the next thing I'll do is one liners. But like, I wonder if there's like an amount of time where you're like, okay, I can. I can watch 30 of this and this is awesome. And it's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I don't know if I could do an hour and a half. I don't know. Maybe you can. Maybe somebody's like, really good. You lock it in. But I think the guys who are telling these longer form stories, I think, Yeah, I think, I think you can just hold that attention in a more enjoyable way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

For a longer period of time. Especially when you get to those big venues and you kind of.

[Tom Segura]

We, like, the thing is like, we try to do is like, you know, when you tell your stories, you have them locked in and then you. If you end one, you can then go set up, punch, set up punch, joke, joke, joke. And then before your next. So it's not just also one note of stories.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know what I've noticed over the years too, because I hang out with dudes a lot is that you guys love to just sit around and tell stories. That is how men communicate primarily. And then women are stories we've already told each other. Oh, my God. Guys jerk off with storytelling.

[Andrew Schultz]

I. I love being with my friends.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And sitting down and telling. Remember when Jam did? And just all of us die laughing and the story just gets mutated and it's not even close to what it was 20 years ago when it happened.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. It starts to evolve. Also the best thing is, like, we're hanging out and like, you know, you're here and Kirk's here. I'm like, kirk, tell him that story.

[Andrew Schultz]

Story.

[Christina P]

It's a story, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

And then I want to watch you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Laugh at the story.

[Tom Segura]

And then I like, you forgot the, like, I know the story.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But women all communicate emotionally. Like, what did you do? How are your kids? How's the husband? What's happening with you?

[Tom Segura]

Personally, I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard with. She always like, when I get back, she'll be like, you know, how's. How's Andrew? I'm like, good. And she'd be like, like, how's his wife? I'll go, I don't know. She's like, you didn't ask him? And I'm like, well, I mean, it just didn't. I mean, we were doing other things come up.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And she's like, like, you didn't say.

[Christina P]

Like, what we talk about.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, I mean, I think she's good.

[Andrew Schultz]

He got a new putter.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Because I know everything about my friends lives and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Debate.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, I wonder why that's not as.

[Christina P]

In you guys don't give a about each other.

[Andrew Schultz]

Here's something I'm curious your guys thoughts on. I was talking to girls that work for me and like, did just like the dating scene in New York and. Because I've heard these like, topics come up a lot in, in podcasts, but even just conversation like, like from women like Red Flags and Icks Factory.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And I've never subscribed to this as like a real thing. Yeah, but what they. They said something kind of interesting. They were like a. The pre. The pressure for a woman to be with somebody. So like the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like.

[Christina P]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

So a lot of these girls are dating guys that they don't like because that's better.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Andrew Schultz]

Than being alone. Okay. And there's like societal shit, you know, your parents going, hey, you got to get married. Like, you know, you got to be with somebody. Don't be alone. So they're dating these guys that they actually don't like. And when you don't like someone and you're with them, everything about them is the ick. Right. Everything about them is the red flag. Like, I'm sure you guys love each other. So like the shit that he does is absolutely disgusting. It rolls right off your back because you actually love it. And that it to me, like any like, good relationship I've had, that's kind of what I've experienced. It's like the horrible things like, ah, whatever, it's him. I don't care. And then you see this all over the Internet. These girls are like, I don't like a guy when he's in the rain. He brings up his shoulders. It's like, no, you just don't like that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Like, that's exactly right.

[Andrew Schultz]

But you feel so much social pressure to be with somebody because it's stigmatized to be alone that now you're with these guys you don't even like. And then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them. No, no, you don't like them.

[Tom Segura]

You don't.

[Christina P]

You don't like him. But there are objective male icks. For me personally. Yeah. And Austin, it's very common for men to have buns. Go fuck your mother if you're wearing a bun.

[Andrew Schultz]

But yeah, because he's the opposite of a bun. Right. It's like.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Andrew Schultz]

You just love him.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I do love him.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. You have a type. It's Tom. But I imagine if he had beautiful, long, luscious hair and it was not to.

[Tom Segura]

I can. If I want to.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. We could take a Turkish Airlines. Sure.

[Tom Segura]

They've offered. They've reached out.

[Andrew Schultz]

Have they really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I love that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And you said no. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, you know, the thing is, I've been ball. Like the shaved head for a while.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have a weird shaped head.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So it's like. I don't. I'm not like, oh, you got good shape.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So then you just go.

[Andrew Schultz]

And you can grow a beard. If you can't do the beard, I think that you kind of got to go. Plugs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You kind of have to.

[Andrew Schultz]

You got it. Because it looks weird. If.

[Christina P]

Do the plugs look good enough now?

[Andrew Schultz]

These days they're pretty fun, but it's also like, it's. It's not like, do they look good? It's. Does it look better than you bald? And I think that's the thing that we never compare.

[Christina P]

Good distinction.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know, like when you see someone with up. Plastic surgery bring it up, it's like, I can't see. Yeah. They might look weird.

[Christina P]

Let's see.

[Andrew Schultz]

But do they look better than they were with nothing?

[Tom Segura]

I also feel like my theory on anything cosmetic.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If it bothers you enough. It's not about what you say, it's what you do. In other words, if my teeth were up, I promise you, you would see veneers. Because it would bother me to have. I. I know that about myself. If this bothered me enough, you would do it. I could. I could change it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So it does. It actually doesn't bother me.

[Andrew Schultz]

Right. Right.

[Christina P]

See, here's what I'm noticing about these pictures Josh brought up.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's not the baldness that's the problem. It's the thinningness. So you must commit to either having a head full of fake hair or balding. But it's the. In between.

[Tom Segura]

When I got to that level, the thin, that's when I didn't go like, I'll just wait. It was once it was thin. I was like, it looks weird.

[Andrew Schultz]

Then you took it off.

[Tom Segura]

I just took it off.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It still grows. Like. Like, if I grow. I grow fully around the back and up to here. It's. This goes out. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not rocking the empty.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Foreground.

[Andrew Schultz]

No.

[Christina P]

Yeah, because that's what looks bad is the thinning, essentially.

[Andrew Schultz]

You need to basically fill that in and then you need to get on the, the hair pills. Like I've been taking hair pills since I'm like 20 years old.

[Christina P]

Really great looks, great hair pills.

[Andrew Schultz]

I noticed it starting to go when I was like 20 something and I was like, I think I'm too young to like, to, for this to happen. And then I've just stayed on it since.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like the Propecia stuff.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. So it was Finasteride is the one that's called wow. And I think what it is just kept it there, maybe even grew a little back. Like I had like, I think that I have like pictures of like having like bald spot. Not really bald spot, but like a little bit of thinning. But you're hyper aware too. Like when you're a dude and you first think you're losing it. Like, you know the, there's a beautiful clip because I tell you this because you're so like into online stuff and I can't believe we haven't even talked about Temptation Island, Spain. But, but I, because I know you speak Spanish and you've been, have you been watching?

[Tom Segura]

I have no idea about this.

[Andrew Schultz]

I, I, I can't believe that I'm.

[Tom Segura]

Going to break something to watch tonight.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Andrew Schultz]

I cannot believe I'm going to break this to you.

[Tom Segura]

Temptation Island.

[Andrew Schultz]

You don't know about Montoya?

[Tom Segura]

No, nothing, Nothing.

[Andrew Schultz]

This is the most viral thing in the world, right?

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Andrew Schultz]

Hold on one second.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. My husband's not getting.

[Andrew Schultz]

We're gonna get it. We're gonna get it.

[Christina P]

Ssa.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, so the, what was it? Oh, there was a, there's a beautiful moment where a guy, he's just like Argentine guy, he's with, he's, he's in a car with his like, girlfriend and she's filming it and like she's letting him know, she's letting him see his hair and looks like for the first time, like he's seen it, but he kind of like moves it and she takes like a picture of the top of it and he's never seen the top. And then he looks at it and.

[Tom Segura]

He'S just like, this is a couple in a car.

[Andrew Schultz]

They're in a car. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is like a, a, like social media clip.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. It's just.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay. I knew it. I've seen this. But the girl is so beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

She's like, it's pure love.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like she's dying Laughing. He's looking himself, and he's like, I'm screwed. Like in Spanish. He's like, holy. A bald. I had no clue. And she does not give a. Yeah. Like, she just loves this guy. It's a beautiful, beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And she's like, no. He's like, yeah, it's still good. And she's like, no, funny.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're out.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's all. It's good. He's like, what the fuck? Yes. That's a great clip.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, so there's this show called Temptation Island, Spain. Okay. Temptation island is this franchise, I guess there are people who are couples. They go to some fucking resort or whatever like that. They split up the couple, and then they basically have other people come in and try to fuck their girlfriends and boyfriends.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes. And then you have to see if you can resist the temptation.

[Tom Segura]

Got it.

[Andrew Schultz]

And this was, I think, the first time in the history of the show where everybody cheated.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

But the crazy thing is we are Spanish. Yeah. Okay. So this is Montoya. This guy, viral sensation Montoya. Okay. I think it's Jose Carlos Montoya or something like that. Like, he's with this girl, Anita. And the first moment that goes viral is when he first sees. Because they have these video cameras and they play for them what is happening when they cheat. So you can watch what happens.

[Christina P]

I puke all over myself.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. So do you have any clips that you can. Can play? Is there, like, some greatest hits?

[Tom Segura]

Let's see this.

[Christina P]

How hot would you love that? Would you be J in your D watching me make out with another dude?

[Tom Segura]

With another.

[Christina P]

You love it.

[Tom Segura]

Spaniard.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's like, I wish that I should have just brought some shit here to you. It's like getting it from the reaction videos is tough.

[Tom Segura]

Tough.

[Andrew Schultz]

But just find. Maybe you can find, like.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe like a Tick Tock trailer or something. So he had a meltdown.

[Andrew Schultz]

He watches his girl getting piped out and, like, literal sex. And then he's running down the beach to go, stop it. And then the host is going, montoya. No, but he's literally running down the beach full speed. The cameraman's following him to go stop the guy who's banging his girl. He knows that the girl's getting banged out because he's watching it live. They're in the bed together. No, she goes on top of him and you see the thrusting, pumping motion.

[Christina P]

We gotta get into this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Adding the sound effects, like the.

[Christina P]

Yeah, like, we gotta watch this show.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, no, it's.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, this is it right here.

[Andrew Schultz]

This is maybe one of the moments he's had a. Yeah, here we go. Do we have audio?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He'S running on the beach, Cabrona.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, then it sucks. So. And then just every single clip that comes from this thing is just. And then you gotta meet the people that are banging your girl.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

So they bring them, like, face to face. They start talking shit to each other. I mean, the show is like a train wreck.

[Christina P]

He looks.

[Andrew Schultz]

All right. Let's watch. So he's watching.

[Christina P]

You've broken me.

[Tom Segura]

He said, montoya.

[Christina P]

I love you.

[Tom Segura]

So one day this week, I was just on X, minding my own business, and. Oh, that's where those full clips are, on X. Yeah.

[Christina P]

We all understood that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Notice this on these. Is this guy with the British accent, the video or that guy?

[Tom Segura]

It's. No, it's the video guy narrating it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, here it is. As you can see from his.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, this show is just already.

[Andrew Schultz]

Look at it. Look at it. You can hear the devastation in his.

[Christina P]

Dude, I'm gonna cry. I don't know if I can watch this.

[Tom Segura]

Look at. Oh, no.

[Andrew Schultz]

And it's only sensitive for YouTube there. I can't believe we don't have a clip, but he's clapping it on tv.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no, that's his girl. Yeah. Wow. She's pretty pissed.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, dude. She just mocks him when they go meet each other later. She, like, walks up.

[Tom Segura]

Why is she so mad at him?

[Andrew Schultz]

Apparently, like, a girl was flirting with him, and then she got to watch that. So she's like, I'll just. This guy. And then the guy comes back and they start talking. He goes, dude, I took your girl in three days. The guy who bangs her out, right? That guy right there. The guy who takes her, her name is Anita. He's like. He's risen her up for, like, days, right? He goes, let's go to your room. Or something like that. And then she is, yeah, you can sleep on the floor, whatever. And he goes, all right, yeah, sure. I'll sleep on the floor. And then he. Something happens in the room. And then he goes, okay, have a good night. And she's like, yeah, you're leaving. He's like, yeah, you have a good night. And he walks out the room, and it's on. There's cameras everywhere. He walks out the room. This is swag. He walks out the room, right? Stands in front of the door, and he goes, no, no. She opens the door, brings him into the room. It's unbelievable. It's one of the most amazing things.

[Tom Segura]

You ever see in your life.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because if she doesn't open that door. Yeah, man, is that rough.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But, like, you just count down. You're like, all right, I'm out of here. I guess I'll go. Let's go back to my room now. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[Andrew Schultz]

And this is just one couple. There's 10 different couples that all go through the exact same.

[Tom Segura]

This is a global sensation right now.

[Andrew Schultz]

It is the only thing on Tick Tock.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. How are you not telling me?

[Christina P]

I'm on the dark side of Tick Tock. You're. I don't see regular people things.

[Andrew Schultz]

Aaron the Plumber. You know about Aaron the Plumber?

[Christina P]

No.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh. Do you watch the Zeus network at all?

[Christina P]

No.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

You ever watch Tubi movies?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, I'm in one.

[Tom Segura]

Are you?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, that movie I did, Peter Dinklage ended up on where I got that haircut. Thank you. But, yeah, the. Yeah, Aaron the Plumber. Shout out Aaron the Plumber. This guy's fucking hysterical. So there's like this dating show on the Zeus network is this. I think you got to pay for it. But it is just like. It's as ratchet as it can be. But this guy is a hilarious. He's hilarious. And he. His whole thing was he's gonna go on this thing. And basically, I think the producers got in his ear and they're like, listen, if you fight a lot, you're gonna get a lot of screen time. He's like, all right, it's a. It's on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Every scene he's fighting, he's talking to this trans girl. He doesn't know that she's trans, and he's trying to, like, flirt with her. And then he finds out that she's transact.

[Tom Segura]

I saw a clip of this guy. I saw a clip of this guy. Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Can you go to the fight? And then his reaction to the fight. Yeah, so he fights with the trans girl right there.

[Tom Segura]

This man did not even hesitate. Second Riddler, bro. Thing about. And stuff like that was pretty fun. Like, you.

[Christina P]

You want to do it again?

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, you want to go again?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man. It's a fighter, bro.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, okay. It suck because the reaction video cut it up.

[Tom Segura]

But basically, like, fucking whale.

[Andrew Schultz]

So he was flirting with her on the bus and like, he's like, oh, give me a kiss or something like that. Because he thinks it's like a girl. He's trying to, like, make some. You know, he's on a dating show. She's like, let's have Some fun. He finds out. They bring him into this room where it's him and another dude and then the girl. And now he's been notified that she's trans, right? So now he's a different energy. It sits down and he's trying to be polite, but he's so. So he's using, like, certain words. He's like. He's like, yes, sir, hello, sir. How are you? How you doing? Whatever. And then she's kind of, like antagonizing.

[Tom Segura]

Him a little bit.

[Andrew Schultz]

And, bro, they start swinging. And then he has this reaction that is. He goes. He goes. And her man voice comes out.

[Tom Segura]

That's what it says here. It says.

[Andrew Schultz]

Here it is.

[Tom Segura]

There's no volume.

[Andrew Schultz]

What up?

[Tom Segura]

What's up, sir?

[Christina P]

Who you talking to? Hey, queen.

[Andrew Schultz]

Talking about some queen.

[Tom Segura]

You going to be yourself today? I'm saying, what? You going to be yourself? Like, hey, man, you better watch how you talking to me, man.

[Andrew Schultz]

For real.

[Tom Segura]

What you mean the hostility? You a man, right? A trans Aaron.

[Christina P]

You keep calling me a man.

[Tom Segura]

You had to bring the man out. Now the man did you care about that? Trying to kiss me. Trying to kiss. He goes right to a 10. My face looks good. Yeah, there you go.

[Andrew Schultz]

Keep going. Keep going.

[Tom Segura]

Be yourself, baby. I didn't know you was a man. You supposed to let that be enough. What you want to do?

[Christina P]

Come on. Oh.

[Andrew Schultz]

Listen, this voice, man, I thought.

[Tom Segura]

A horse got impaled with a spear. Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Andrew Schultz]

I thought a horse got with a spear or something. Okay, so you need to get on. You need to get on.

[Tom Segura]

You got some things to watch.

[Christina P]

Got Zeus.

[Andrew Schultz]

Zeus and then the Temptation Island. You got to do it.

[Tom Segura]

And don't forget, when you're thinking of things to watch, Andrew Schultz Life is streaming now on Netflix.

[Andrew Schultz]

Real quick, before we go, there's one thing I have to bring up to you. Yeah, The. This is when I knew you were really locked in on the Internet stuff. I follow this guy who's like a tailor that sexually harasses.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. Come on.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Who likes. And I don't know why I follow him. I'm like, this. I don't know if this is a shtick or it's real. I'm like, what the is going on? But, hey, I have a little Asian boy with the Titus ass. Whatever. I'm like, this is hilarious. And I follow him, and then I scroll, and all of a sudden, you're in the video. I could. I must have sent that to, like, 20 people. I couldn't believe I might Maybe I even texted you. I couldn't believe it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

How does that even.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Rashawn, that's. That Sam's Taylor in Hong Kong.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hong Kong. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So we had. We had found him, like, because we play clips a lot. We're like the same thing. We were like, this guy's hilarious. These are crazy clips. He's insane. And then I. My tour started last year in Asia.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He hits me. He's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong. I go, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

He goes, he reached out to you because you'd play.

[Tom Segura]

Because we played his clips and everything, we'd actually done a bit like, virtually, you know, I mean, like, over zoom with him. One time we talked about something and he had sent measurements. He made us. They make. I mean, the last six US Presidents got suits from the them, so. Oh, yeah. And they have. That's crazy. His dad. The dynamic is making his suit. That his dad is like a very proper.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Polite guy. And he. He kind of reminds me of, like, I like to upset my mom by doing. So he's sitting there doing. And he's like, you know, he's like, oh, you got tight ass. And his dad's. His dad's like, like, what? And then, you know, he's like, I'll be like, oh, your wife's beautiful. He's like, she doesn't let me hit it anymore. And then his dad's like, hey, like, stop talking like that. You know, like, he's being like. He's almost like provoking his father a lot, which is very funny. So anyway, I tell him I'm. I'm coming to Hong Kong. He's like, you have to stop in. Our hotel was, like, two blocks from this place. And we come in. He gave me the full. He calls it the full treatment. Like the service. The full service. And yeah, he just makes. This is like his genuine personality. He's a wild man. But the flip side is, like, some of these guys online, we've met, like, a lot of crazy guys, and they do not have a skill set. Like, there's nothing of value.

[Andrew Schultz]

He's an elite tailor.

[Tom Segura]

This is an elite, like, movie stars. All the best soccer players in the world. Yeah. Like, they've all gotten suits from these guys. And then he's also this lunatic online. So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, so it's a real thing.

[Tom Segura]

It's a real thing. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Got it. And then.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm so. I'm so surprised that, like, his family isn't worried about the risk.

[Tom Segura]

I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online. Maybe he doesn't realize what's going on. And he's probably like, dad, let me handle the social media. Like, you don't know this shit. That's 75.

[Andrew Schultz]

Got it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then it's just. Yeah. He's sitting there just being, you know, himself. Pavarotti's there. Like, I mean, yeah, there's. It's literally an endless list. Like he had this room in the back. There's George Bush right there in the back. The dad was like, come see this. And then he stopped everyone with me, he's like, not you guys, him. And they were like, oh, okay. And he took me in the back and on. In this frame, he had the, the. The tail, the cloth selections of the U. S. Presidents. Wow. And they're framed in the back. And he's like, yeah, I don't. He doesn't let people see it.

[Andrew Schultz]

So it's a specific cloth that he only gives them to that.

[Tom Segura]

So like, this is Clinton's, this was Obama, this was Bush. And like I just have it here and no one. And we don't give it to anybody else once they get. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So once that cloth is there, that material for that u. S. They don't make for anybody else.

[Tom Segura]

That's his. Yeah. Wow. Very cool. And like I would look like there's, I think like George senior in the, in the shop.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Pretty wild.

[Andrew Schultz]

I mean, so funny that the kid.

[Tom Segura]

Is just like, he's so funny.

[Andrew Schultz]

This is, this is a. Then, then we're out of here. Last thing we'll say, but very fun talking to us is I saw this thing, like the oldest hotel in the world was this hotel starting like 703 in like Japan. And it stayed in the Same family for 52 generations.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

Which at the beginning you're like, wow, that's incredibly, like impressive. Like, look at how like resilient that family dynamic is that you would just bestow this business generation over generation. And people continue to run it like it's. The Vanderbilts can barely keep their money. Three generations. Like, how about 52? But one of the concerns I had about it with it is like within those 52 generations, there are a few guys that really want to be a stand up comedian or they wanted to be a fucking samurai or they wanted to do whatever they wanted and they couldn't because that cultural rigidity. The nice thing is a lot of the people didn't have those dreams, but they had A lot of purpose that they had this thing that they could build. This is another thing, like, you know, women being moms, it's kind of similar where it's like, there used to be some nobility and, like, being a cobbler and your father was a cobbler, and you're a cobbler, and, like, if you didn't have this dream to go out, do something else, you really had this thing that you could be proud of. And I think we've kind of moved away from that with, like, dreamer culture a little bit. But it's cool to see this guy who clearly wants to be funny and famous and antagonize and joke around maintaining the legacy of his father at the same time. Also having some fun.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

And, yeah, this is maybe there's, like, an interesting balance there.

[Tom Segura]

There is. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, there's. You have every reason to believe that, like, he has kids that they're gonna carried on. Yes. Yeah. There's a lot of. A lot of pride in that. In that culture. Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun. Like, congratulations. It feels fun. Right. It's exciting that it's out. It's always like this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's conflicting. Some of. Sometimes you're, like. You're a little nervous about it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Anxiety. But it's also, like a celebration. So are you gonna. Are you staying in town tonight or you go.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm gonna stay in town one more day, then I get back.

[Tom Segura]

You can take some time off.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, Like, I think I'll do press. I think I'll do press. Made for a couple more weeks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because. Yeah, because I think you got to. You really got to get after. I think you can't just, like, sit on the algorithm and hope. You got to make sure people know about it. But. But then I take time off. Like, I. I need to. I wouldn't be able to think of this if I didn't take time off.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

I find if I just tour without taking time off, I end up doing, like, a different version of the same jokes I was doing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Because I haven't let enough life change happen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So I'm hoping that I take some time off and then a few months, I start from scratch, and it's humbling as fuck.

[Tom Segura]

It sure is.

[Andrew Schultz]

Just to go up there and, like, people are the most excited because you just came from your special.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So they're like, dude, this guy's hilarious. They bring all their friends. Like, you know, funny this guy is. And then you go up There. And you're like, I'm not that man anymore.

[Tom Segura]

No, I know that I already have tour ending anxiety coming up. Where? I know because I know this tour is going to end, and I have to start at square one again.

[Andrew Schultz]

And will you take time off?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You.

[Andrew Schultz]

You've been touring for a long time with this tour.

[Tom Segura]

This one was 23 or, excuse me, started in 24. So this is this way.

[Andrew Schultz]

Come together.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's not I'm Coming Everywhere. It's just a similar title.

[Andrew Schultz]

Got it. Okay. That's what I blended.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

But, yeah. Aren't you going to take a few months to just be like, okay, what's be done? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And end of this year is the end of this tour.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow. Any plans for you guys?

[Tom Segura]

Party vacation?

[Christina P]

Ripped.

[Tom Segura]

Get ripped.

[Christina P]

Faded.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, definitely. Take a trip.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Polyamory.

[Tom Segura]

Go to Spain. Meet those people.

[Andrew Schultz]

You got to go on to Temptation Island. You're not running down the beach. You're just jerking off to the video. You just give it to her. Hate it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She likes to ride you that way.

[Christina P]

That's what we're about.

[Tom Segura]

I could not drop you off at the Latin House.

[Christina P]

No way.

[Andrew Schultz]

You like the Latinos.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, on that note, thanks, Andrew.

[Andrew Schultz]

I appreciate you guys having me, man. Congrats on everything, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you so much. We'll see you guys next week.

[Andrew Schultz]

Thanks.

[Christina P]

Bye, Mommy. Hi, I'm Roxanne depalma, and I want.

[Tom Segura]

To know who out there is curious about ecosets. What? What?

[Andrew Schultz]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Christina P]

What the is ecosec? The wind in your hair. Tree bark.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's exciting in itself.

[Tom Segura]

To really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now you get the penis out. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Now you get the penis out.

[Christina P]

Girl, get your life.

[Andrew Schultz]

Drop, drop, drop, drop.

[Christina P]

What the is ego set?

[Tom Segura]

Me and my girlfriend, Summer.

[Andrew Schultz]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Christina P]

What the is Ecosat?

[Tom Segura]

That is so disgusting. I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. Would you marry your grandson? I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. What the fuck is eco stats? Me and my girlfriend Summer. What the is eco sex? Would you marry your grandson? Oh, my God.