Big Ryan Energy w/ Ryan Sickler | Your Mom's House Ep. 818

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House Ep. 818 – "Big Ryan Energy w/ Ryan Sickler"

Released on July 9, 2025, "Big Ryan Energy" features Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura engaging in their signature comedic banter with guest comedian Ryan Sickler. The episode delves into topics ranging from media inclusivity and celebrity antics to personal anecdotes and humorous critiques of viral content.

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1. Inclusivity in Media and Humor Around Group Representation

Timestamps: 00:01 – 05:00

The episode kicks off with a playful yet critical discussion about a video or song that lists various marginalized groups. Tom initiates the conversation by highlighting the phrase "Black and Indigenous People of Color" and humorously critiques its inclusivity.

• Tom Segura (00:26): "Black and indigenous people of color. You are valued."

• Christina P. (00:35): "She does leave out so many groups."

The hosts debate the extent of inclusivity in the original content, jesting about the omission of certain groups like Creoles and Gypsies while acknowledging the extensive list already provided.

• Tom Segura (02:11): "When you hear this song, is this, like, a good way to start your day? I feel very represented."

This segment blends social commentary with humor, setting the tone for the episode's blend of critical insight and comedic relief.

---

2. Guest Introduction: Ryan Sickler and Health Journeys

Timestamps: 33:23 – 36:22

Ryan Sickler joins the show, sharing his personal health journey inspired by Tom’s "Big Dick" storyline (likely a comedic reference). Ryan discusses his weight loss and shift to cardio exercises following an injury, attributing his transformation to disciplined lifestyle changes rather than medical interventions like Ozempic.

• Ryan Sickler (35:14): "The injury, I couldn't. I was always in pain. So dropping the weights helped, and I'm out doing cardio now."

Tom praises Ryan's progress, highlighting the positive mental and physical changes brought about by his new routine.

• Tom Segura (35:14): "You look great, man."

This uplifting segment provides a heartfelt moment amidst the humor, showcasing camaraderie and mutual support between the hosts and their guest.

---

3. Analyzing Hostile Work Environment Allegations Against Police Chief

Timestamps: 37:08 – 43:04

Christina and Tom examine a disturbing video depicting allegations against a police chief in Bergen County. The chief is accused of creating a hostile work environment through bizarre and inappropriate behavior, including:

• Sending a gay pride flag to an officer's home

• Shaving his body hair and leaving it on personal property

• Assaulting an officer with a hypodermic needle

• Defecating on the office floor

• Throwing eggs in fits of anger

• Tampering with office coffee by adding substances like Adderall and Viagra

• Tom Segura (38:42): "He threw a needle. It's Jersey."

They humorously downplay the severity of the allegations while expressing disbelief at the chief's actions.

• Christina P. (39:05): "We knew that was gonna happen."

The hosts blend shock with humor, critiquing the chief's unprofessionalism while making light-hearted jokes about his outrageous behavior.

---

4. Parodying Viral Content: "I'm Ryan" Short Videos

Timestamps: 44:00 – 52:30

The conversation shifts to a segment where Ryan Sickler's short, offensive "I'm Ryan" videos are critiqued. These six-second clips feature Ryan making crude and inappropriate remarks aimed at black women, intended to parody influencer culture.

• Tom Segura (45:04): "I'm Ryan, and I like black ass. Looking good."

Christina and Tom dissect the cringe-worthy nature of the content, mocking both Ryan's choice of topics and the brevity of the videos.

• Christina P. (45:00): "He should sell something."

Their commentary highlights the absurdity and insensitivity of such viral clips, using humor to underscore the importance of respectful content creation.

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5. Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Takes on Aggressive Behavior

Timestamps: 56:00 – 66:46

The hosts share personal stories and engage in comedic dialogues about aggressive behaviors, such as spitting incidents and mishaps involving physical altercations.

• Tom Segura (58:00): "You never thought, didn't care, and still don't."

Christina recounts an incident where she spit on a former partner out of anger, prompting Tom to humorously lament her decision.

• Christina P. (68:32): "I spit on her."

This segment mixes real-life frustrations with over-the-top humor, showcasing the hosts' ability to turn personal experiences into comedic narratives.

---

6. Satirical Commentary on Will Smith and Chris Rock Incident

Timestamps: 69:00 – 74:33

In a satirical twist, Tom imitates Will Smith's infamous slap of Chris Rock at the Oscars, exaggerating the apology and emotional fallout for comedic effect.

• Tom Segura (72:00): "I lost my... I hit Chris Rock. I'm sorry."

Christina joins in the parody, enhancing the humor by embellishing the scenario with absurd details about their relationship dynamics.

• Christina P. (74:04): "Don't ever let us get that way."

The exaggerated reenactment serves as a humorous take on celebrity drama, reflecting the hosts' flair for satire.

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7. Closing Remarks and Promotions

Timestamps: 75:00 – 82:31

As the episode nears its end, Christina and Tom promote Ryan Sickler's upcoming specials and their ongoing projects. They reflect on the episode's content with their characteristic humor, wrapping up the conversation while maintaining engagement with their audience.

• Tom Segura (81:53): "Get that thing to a million."

They also touch upon past content and tease future discussions, ensuring listeners are eager for upcoming episodes.

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Notable Quotes

• Tom Segura (00:26): "Black and indigenous people of color. You are valued."
• Christina P. (03:23): "Nobody cares."
• Tom Segura (05:12): "That's a team player right there."
• Christina P. (15:15): "I know my value."
• Tom Segura (33:23): "Good to see you, man."
• Tom Segura (72:00): "I hit Chris Rock. I'm sorry."

---

Conclusion

Episode 818 of Your Mom's House seamlessly blends sharp social commentary with side-splitting humor, anchored by engaging conversations between Christina P., Tom Segura, and their guest Ryan Sickler. From dissecting media inclusivity to parodic takes on celebrity incidents, the episode offers a comprehensive mix of insightful discussions and comedic storytelling, ensuring both entertainment and reflection for listeners.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P.]

Psst. Your payments are showing, but with Apple Cash, your payments are private by design. There are no public feeds. Send and receive money privately in messages or with tap to cash. Switch to Apple Cash. Apple Cash services are provided by Green bank member fdic.

[Tom Segura]

Black and indigenous people of color. You are valued.

[Christina P.]

She does leave out so many groups.

[Tom Segura]

She hit a lot of groups, though.

[Christina P.]

But it's not really inclusive.

[Tom Segura]

What's that called? You know, do you want what we have it as that video.

[Christina P.]

Black and indigenous people of color.

[Tom Segura]

Creoles. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Gypsies.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think she says Gypsy, Pakistanis.

[Christina P.]

Sri Lankans, Sunnis, Turks and Kurds. And Shiites.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she names a lot.

[Christina P.]

She does. She varies.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I mean, I value your opinions.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, she's great. She's great.

[Christina P.]

And, like, those groups don't want her as their spokesperson.

[Tom Segura]

This is what she would do. If you told her, like, shut the up. She'd be like, there she is.

[Christina P.]

Thank you for your feedback.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Black and indigenous people of color.

[Christina P.]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Lesbians.

[Christina P.]

Lesbian, gay, transgender, queer, Asian American, Pacific Islander. Asian American, Pacific Islander, Latinos, Creole, Creole, Creole.

[Tom Segura]

Any. When you hear this song, is this, like, a good way to start your day? I feel. I feel very represented. You do, you know, you feel seen. I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel felt.

[Christina P.]

Do you. Do you think. How did she.

[Tom Segura]

You think she'd be a good hang, like, if you were to meet her? Oh, God. I mean, I'm down. We should bring her. We should bring her on the show.

[Christina P.]

That would be amazing.

[Tom Segura]

That'd be amazing. Because I think about this song so much, I forgot when we first saw it. It was a while ago, but every once in a while, I'm driving around and I'll see a black or indigenous person of color or a lesbian or a Romani or a Hispanic or a Latino or a Pacific Islander. And I'll think about this song and I'll be like, God, they must feel so connected.

[Christina P.]

Shut up. But how does Creole make stop?

[Tom Segura]

You know? You know what I think the Creole was? I feel like she ran out.

[Christina P.]

Is that right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, Google, like, what else is there? What else is there? Any. One more.

[Christina P.]

Because I didn't. I didn't realize Creole was a really outsider group. You know what I mean? Is it that big?

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not that big.

[Christina P.]

There's two Creoles. There's not a lot of Creoles. There's more than two in the state of Louisiana. There's Creoles. Other than that, it's a very niche.

[Tom Segura]

They're not, like, how come no one's talking about us? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Nobody cares.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I mean, as far as that woman, too, also, if I said something, she would go, shut up, white man. Okay?

[Christina P.]

She wouldn't even step foot in our building if we invited her to this. And then she Googles you and me, we're enemy number one.

[Tom Segura]

I would go, I'm half Peruvian. She'd be like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You present white.

[Christina P.]

Do you think she's straight? Is that like, I'm trying to. What I'm saying is I don't care what her identity is, but, like, what's the key to her heart? Like, how much do you have to spit as a man to get inside of.

[Tom Segura]

You got to be down with this kind of bullshit.

[Christina P.]

Patchouli panties.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You gotta. You gotta feel as bad about existing as she does. And then she'd be like, cool. Yeah, I like you. You'd be like, I'm sorry. I was born too.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah, I know. She's so full of white guilt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So much.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot.

[Christina P.]

It's. Hey, I get it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You and I should be writing songs.

[Tom Segura]

Well, maybe we reach out, guys. Maybe we reach out and we see if we can make something happen. I would love to hear, like, a live version of it. You know what? Like, if she would hold on and perform it live, do you think she.

[Christina P.]

Would do the next YMH live and maybe be our musical guest?

[Tom Segura]

Maybe if we were willing to. Because I'm sure she wouldn't do it for money. But if we were like, hey, we'll donate. Donate to whatever black Latino thing you want. Yeah, maybe that would be an excuse.

[Christina P.]

The Romani Creole population to the.

[Tom Segura]

Don't burn the Romani anymore. And I'm down to be the one in communication. There we go. That's a team player right there. I'm here for the team.

[Christina P.]

Nailed it.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe hit her. Hit her with the. Hey, check this out. You know what I'm saying?

[Christina P.]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tom Segura]

We were listening to your. And she'd be like, I, I, I understand. You're from a different culture than me, and I would love to be there for you. And I know you know, however you speak to me. Is it. Was it any. Sorry.

[Christina P.]

And also, too, if she wants to, like, be in the mix, like, I. Look, she lives somewhere, probably like Minneapolis.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, if she gives you any pushback, if she's like, no, I'll be like, yeah, white bitch that's what I thought. And then she'll be like, you're right, you're right, you're right.

[Christina P.]

I suck.

[Tom Segura]

Sorry.

[Christina P.]

I'm the worst. But like, look, you can tell she lives somewhere like Minneapolis or Manitoba maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Somewhere in the middle of the.

[Christina P.]

No people of color anywhere near Minnesota.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's why she's feeling so bad.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

She's isolated with the whites.

[Christina P.]

That's right. So. So maybe if she moved to an area where she could be amongst all these different people, she wouldn't feel so guilty. She separates herself. So she's actually the problem. You know what I'm saying?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I do know what you're saying. I do know what you mean. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I don't know what you're saying, and I don't know what you mean.

[Tom Segura]

Well, let's give a little opener here. You ready?

[Christina P.]

You got it?

[Tom Segura]

Let's get going here. Here we go. I don't. Jacko. I get my dick. So I. I. Sir, you cannot be saying outlet on the phone. No, no, no. Yeah. No, no. Welcome to your mom's house. No. With Tom Segura and Christina. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Tom Segura]

So this is a pretty cool video. It's filmed inside of McDonald's, and it. What's happening, if you're listening, is there's a. A potential art model for nude sketches.

[Christina P.]

Sucking my dick.

[Tom Segura]

Speakerphone. He's like, I don't jack off. I get my dick sucked. And a lady goes, sir, you cannot talk like that. And the best. I. You don't usually see this. He goes, you right, you right. And he like, he shapes up. Yeah. He's like, yeah, that's okay. I'll get out of here. Usually you hear like, ah, like, back. Or like you, you know, like, you usually hear confrontation back. And he's like, very polite. I don't jack. I get my dick. I like. Sir, you cannot be saying all that on the phone.

[Christina P.]

I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

No, get out of here.

[Christina P.]

Let me get out of here. He knows.

[Tom Segura]

He knows.

[Christina P.]

It's like sometimes when you're toddler, like, you know, they're caught red handed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Nothing. Me a culpa. I'm done here. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about my dick in McDonald's. Yeah, he knew.

[Tom Segura]

He knew, he knew. But sometimes you don't. You don't get that all the time.

[Christina P.]

No, you don't. They don't take accountability for their actions.

[Tom Segura]

Who's they? Oh, the homeless.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Crazy people, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Listen, I'm I'm team crazy person too. But we will find out the results later.

[Tom Segura]

This is though. I have been so stoked about this one. This might be one of my favorite things that I've seen in a long time.

[Christina P.]

Go ahead. Essex is a continent.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, it's a county. Oh, what a country.

[Christina P.]

A county.

[Tom Segura]

What's the difference between a county and a country? Country. So country is like England.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So Wales is in Cardiff. Cardiff, the capital of Wales. So I'm from Liverpool, so I live in a country. No, Liverpool's a city. A city? Yeah.

[Christina P.]

If you go on a plane and.

[Tom Segura]

Go to another place, that's still United Kingdom, isn't it? Depends. Where, where, where do you want to go?

[Christina P.]

So Spain, that's Europe, but it's still.

[Tom Segura]

In the United Kingdom.

[Christina P.]

Oh, it's incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that amazing?

[Christina P.]

I could listen more talk all day.

[Tom Segura]

You know what the best part? Like one of the like things that stands out to me, how gentle they are with her.

[Christina P.]

No, like a child.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like explaining it to your six year old.

[Tom Segura]

She was like, so Liverpool, that's a country. And they're like, no, that's a city. The one you've lived in forever. And. And. But they're like nice about it. Like, oh, no, that's not. Spain's in Europe, but it's not the same country.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's exactly how I mean, I would say it with the same. The same gentle way to our children. Kids, like, oh, yeah, this is. No, you know, New York is another city.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. We explain it to children. How you. But she's so attractive that.

[Tom Segura]

That's why she's gotten away with it.

[Christina P.]

I think.

[Tom Segura]

So that's why. That's also why they're nice. Because she was like a big old pig.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then they'd be like, have you dummy. Stupid. Yeah, you don't know the difference, fatso. And then they're like, oh, you're pretty.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it's called pretty privilege, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

It's just another city. You live in another city.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Live a few.

[Tom Segura]

And if these were men, they would just be like so nice to her.

[Christina P.]

Oh, the men would be. But I'm saying if it was a man that was that stupid and it was a group of dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no.

[Christina P.]

You guys would be like, what are you? Idiot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, guys would be brutal.

[Christina P.]

Brutal, ruthless. Well, that's different, I guess. Hot chicks, I think, I think because a lot of. Hold on, hold on. A lot of hot chicks are stupid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So this is just a camaraderie thing. They're like, yeah, I could be that stupid.

[Tom Segura]

I could be that. Yeah, I'm hot. So I'm.

[Christina P.]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All these hotties are working together to be like, it's okay.

[Christina P.]

It's okay to be stupid.

[Tom Segura]

Sweet. We have to support each other. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Women supporting women.

[Tom Segura]

Now if it was a really cute guy. Let's say it was a really cute guy.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he were stupid.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

They'd be nice to him.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Because they'd be like, oh, he's. He's really cute.

[Christina P.]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

But if he was not attractive, forget it. They'd be like, what?

[Christina P.]

No, if he were a dog.

[Tom Segura]

You really not know this? So they would talk to him. You don't know that. That's what they would say to them. I know.

[Christina P.]

Isn't that wild?

[Tom Segura]

You think Liverpool's another country? Are you?

[Christina P.]

I know, yeah. Liverpool, Yeah. I stayed in the United King, so I've go to Spain.

[Tom Segura]

If I go to Spain.

[Christina P.]

Let's play it again. I like to hear, is it. I'm in talking the same county. Was she Essex?

[Tom Segura]

It's a continent.

[Christina P.]

It's a continent.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, it's a county.

[Christina P.]

It's a county.

[Tom Segura]

A country.

[Christina P.]

A county.

[Tom Segura]

What's the difference between a county and a country? Country. So country is like England.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So Wales is in Cardiff. Cardiff, the capital of Wales. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm from Liverpool, so I live in a country. Liverpool's a city. A city, yeah. Come on. If you go on a plane and go to another place, that's still United Kingdom. It depends where. Where do you want to go?

[Christina P.]

They're so nice to her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's Europe, but it's still in the United Kingdom.

[Christina P.]

But the black chick was starting to go. That's Europe.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she was getting a little, like a little bit. Now, here's the thing. Having seen so many clips and videos, you know, over so many years, she could be putting people on like, we're not seeing enough video. Like, she's either really smart and funny in doing this or just dumber than a box of sand. Like, she's one of the two.

[Christina P.]

But she's from Essex and that is known to be like. Like, you know, like the dummies are from. Like I said, like the cultural whatever. The Chad are from Essex. They're supposed to be like this. There's a lot of girls that are like this. Right. Like the cultural whatever. They're like valley girls. Right.

[Tom Segura]

So here's what we know about this actual clip oh. It says viewers of the show believe she is secretly smart because it was later revealed she studied at Liverpool Hope University. Okay.

[Christina P.]

So she can't be that stupid.

[Tom Segura]

And she was later invited on Good Morning Britain and Piers Morgan grilled her. Oh. So I don't know. I'm sure there's more out there. I think we should try to find it. This is, that's really. She's really viral and played on the news. This woman has a son. She now has over 700000 followers on tick Tock. Yeah, I wonder if this is genuine or not because it's either, like it's very well executed on her part and like, I really respect it if she did it or if she's really this dumb. Yeah, well, because she's also. She's not 17, right? Like, you know, like. No, she's in her 20s. Right? Like late 20s.

[Christina P.]

She's super cute.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, she's not a child.

[Christina P.]

No. You know, she should know these things.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Christina P.]

It's adorable though. It's a good clip.

[Tom Segura]

Find something else if you can.

[Christina P.]

First of all, I just like take a little break. Buy my lipstick. Christinap.com also a few things, some of you maybe missed last week's episode. I'm wearing these glasses and hat because I had a little cosmetic surgery and still bruised. Still bruised. But also my artwork.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

We increased the price to 20,000.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Find out it's not 20,000 and you can find it on store.ymhstudios.com Correct.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it has not sold yet.

[Tom Segura]

We'll see if it moves. We'll just see if it moves and we'll just go from there.

[Christina P.]

But you know, apropos the title.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because you guys haven't bought it yet. You around and now you're going to find out. I am raising the price to US$30,000 and now we're going to sell it.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

I believe it. To increase the price is the way to go, not decrease. I know my value.

[Tom Segura]

Know your value. Know what you're worth.

[Christina P.]

I do self care. I meditate.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I watch. I eat fruit for my vagina. I do fruit. Of all the things.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. The scariest part of summer isn't the sunburn, it's the spending. There are the last minute road trips, pricey snack hauls and bottomless SPF restocks. And your wallet's feeling the heat. Cool it with doordash and save big on your seasonal must haves During Summer of Dash Pass, Summer of Dash Pass is back from June 26 through July 30, and it's packed with deals on everything you're already ordering. Local eats, groceries, stuff from your favorite stores and more. Keep on saving with zero dollar delivery fees and reduce service fees on eligible orders.

[Christina P.]

Tom, I can safely say we use DoorDash daily at the Segura House.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Instead of running out and grabbing everything, you have somebody bring it for you. Of course. Order on DoorDash and save big during summer of Dash Pass. Sign up today. DashPass benefits apply only to eligible orders. Terms apply. Check daily for massive summer savings on restaurants, groceries and brands from June 26 through July 30. Sign up now for DashPass if you aren't already a member and enjoy a summer full of savings. DashPass benefits apply only to eligible orders. Terms apply. What's this right here? It would have been. You've got a slight problem, perhaps with geography. Yeah. It wasn't the brightest tool in the box in geography. Yeah, well, you the brightest tool in the box in anything or.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, stuff that I have.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting. What are you good at? What would you say is your intellectual powerhouse? Powerhouse? Yeah. Anything but geography and Brexit. Give me something. English. English? Yeah. You like English? Yeah. Can you speak English? I'm speaking English right now. So rude. I don't think you have to defend yourself, Hayley. Exactly. The point of Love island is not about how good you are at geography. What is the point of Love Island? I'll be honest with the thing.

[Christina P.]

Well, she's about to tell you if.

[Tom Segura]

You let her speak. I just don't get the point of this. It seems to me like we put the dimmest people in Britain to one layer and you all just try and have sex with each other. Am I wrong? Brilliant. Definitely wrong. There's a doctor in there, a solicitor and nuclear engineer. How are they? Engineer? What? Yeah, he's only 20 as well. 20 year old nuclear engineer. He sold you a partner. There are no 20 year old nuclear engineers out there, Charlie. Look, I know that you go socializing with my eldest son, Spencer, who to my horror loves Love island, and he vouches for you and says, actually, you're a relatively normal bloke. So my question is, what are you doing in there? Just having a bit of fun, you know. Hayley, explain to me right what the point of this is. Love Island.

[Christina P.]

You go in to find love and.

[Tom Segura]

Obviously you don't go in to sit a politics exam. Like, here's the thing, I don't think she was doing A bit.

[Christina P.]

I don't think she's doing a bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Confirmed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. She's as dumb as.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty amazing.

[Christina P.]

That is. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Now I want to meet her.

[Christina P.]

I know, I know. Should we have her on our show and give her.

[Tom Segura]

I'd love to.

[Christina P.]

Should we make her, like, do geography lessons?

[Tom Segura]

Well, just like it would just. I want to dig deeper. I mean, this is pretty fascinating.

[Christina P.]

Why don't we put her against Emma, our CEO.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

In like a geography less championship quiz thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Or something like that.

[Tom Segura]

It's a pretty good idea. Yeah. That's fascinating.

[Christina P.]

That's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Learning about a county versus a country versus a city.

[Christina P.]

I know, but now I want to see a show where they educate this girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And they just quiz her on different things. I could watch that all day with that accent talking. She's like, actually, what is a mammal? I can't even do Liverpool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

A mammal is memory.

[Tom Segura]

She said she was. She liked English. But I wonder if she would know. Like, what's a noun?

[Christina P.]

Negative, sir.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think so.

[Christina P.]

I don't think so.

[Tom Segura]

Verb.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. This university she went to, is this one of those online universities?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P.]

You know, people can get PhDs online now.

[Tom Segura]

I know it's very misleading.

[Christina P.]

I don't think she went to a real school.

[Tom Segura]

Here's where she went. Liverpool Hope University.

[Christina P.]

Like, is that a real place?

[Tom Segura]

It looks like it, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Well, anyway, she's pretty and that's all that matters.

[Tom Segura]

That is really all that's going to matter in her life.

[Christina P.]

I know. Who cares?

[Tom Segura]

She's got to just set herself up for the next 10 years because that's why she's. Well, she's the prettiest 100.

[Christina P.]

Like Jeff Bezos's new wife. Like, she's just a professional millionaire dater. That's what that lady did.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

There are just women who, like, bang rich dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And like, okay, that's your life. Then. Go.

[Tom Segura]

Go do it, man. Enjoy it.

[Christina P.]

But can I tell you what I thought was kind of gross with. With their wedding? Like, first of all, it costs like $40 million, which is, I think, a little excessive. But like, for me, like, you're exchanging marital vows, which is a real thing, but the guest list is just a list. Celebrities. It's like Oprah Winfrey, the Kardashians. Like Leonardo DiCaprio. Like, you're really friends with these people. You mean to tell me, like, you're really good friends. You're close enough with Leonardo and Oprah. That you want them to witness marital vows.

[Tom Segura]

I mean.

[Christina P.]

I mean, I just think it's creepy to use your wedding.

[Tom Segura]

There's Tom Brady.

[Christina P.]

A social event. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like what?

[Christina P.]

Why not just throw a gala or something?

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P.]

If you want to meet these people, it's fine.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's friends with Leo. Is he really? No.

[Christina P.]

Jeff Bezos.

[Tom Segura]

They're friends.

[Christina P.]

Kicks it with Leo.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're friends.

[Christina P.]

Oh, there's Sydney. Sydney, sweet tits.

[Tom Segura]

Sydney, sweet tits, ugly face. I don't know who that is. Who am I looking at?

[Christina P.]

Brooks Nader and Ellie Golding.

[Tom Segura]

Don't know. No clue, don't want to know.

[Christina P.]

It seems insufferable. Yeah, but could you imagine?

[Tom Segura]

It's Multogay, what they did.

[Christina P.]

Just how boring.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, there's a Trump and Kushner there.

[Christina P.]

Oh, right. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's just big shots, man. This is how big shots do it.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Who's this guy? I'll never get it.

[Tom Segura]

Sam Altman and Carly Kloss. Carly Kloss. Is that she an athlete or model? I don't know. It sounds.

[Christina P.]

Who do we invite? What celebrities do we invite to our wedding? The cool guys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There's. Oops and her. And her.

[Christina P.]

Her girlfriend.

[Tom Segura]

Her gay wife. Yep.

[Christina P.]

I mean, don't you think Oprah could just come out now and be like, I'm a big lesbian?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina P.]

Gail and I have been eating each other's boxes for 40 decades.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This Stedman guy fruitifying our pussies forever. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I mean, they went during COVID I'll never forget. Oprah moved Gail onto her property in Montecit. And, like, Gail lived in a house on her property. Like, what? Yeah, if Gail's a grown woman, too, with her own life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

They've got to be bonding each other.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Christina P.]

To be that enmeshed, like Shauna might be. Eff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You would do that, too, though.

[Christina P.]

She's not staying on my prize.

[Tom Segura]

But you would do that if that were a thing.

[Christina P.]

Do what?

[Tom Segura]

If there was like, you know, if.

[Christina P.]

She needed my help.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You'd be like, move in here.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, but Gail doesn't need her help. Gail has her own money, her own life, her own kids. Maybe it's a little weird she never married Stedman. That's a little weird.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's just like, one more year. Just keep this going. I'm sure at the end of every year, he's like, one more spin around the sun. Let's do it again. I get my allowance. Shit is nice.

[Christina P.]

Could you imagine?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God. And the dogs.

[Tom Segura]

What do you think? She breaks them off. Like, what do you think? What do you think she breaks.

[Christina P.]

Oh, to play the role.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, what's his. Like, he's got to have, like, a monthly stipend, right?

[Christina P.]

Well, he's been. They've been doing the charade for, what, 25 years.

[Tom Segura]

But he also doesn't work as. I mean, he had. He. Look, he had his own career. He made money, but he's got to be like, hey, like, you know, you.

[Christina P.]

Think he calls anybody? Calls Oprah Winfrey a. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Stupid. I think he's like, hey, check this out.

[Christina P.]

You're so stupid.

[Tom Segura]

No. Like, look, I've been you for how long right now? Right? No. And she's like, all right, all right. You think? And she has no idea what normal is anymore. She's like, I'm not gonna. I'm not a sucker. You're not gonna get me. I am not gonna give you more than $2 million a month.

[Christina P.]

I think so.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. I'll try to make it on that. For sure.

[Christina P.]

I would guess so. They've been together for a minute. He's got his own money.

[Tom Segura]

He does. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But he's got to play the charade so that she can, of course, rug munch with Gail.

[Tom Segura]

Long time. They've been around.

[Christina P.]

I. I think. I think hush money. 10 million a year.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, to sign. Sign the NDA and. Oh, yeah. We're just not getting married.

[Tom Segura]

It's just not in our thing. We're just good friends.

[Christina P.]

Like, come on.

[Tom Segura]

Also, you're getting to the age where you actually. You want to have a spouse just so that, like, somebody can come in the room. Like, you know, I mean, for the medical. You're dead. Yeah. Somebody finds your body, actually be there. Is that what you think is 6, 7.

[Christina P.]

Date the basketball player. The goth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That'd be really into success. She would like him, too. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Lesbian basketball.

[Tom Segura]

She'd be like, oh, Stedman. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I mean, he doesn't seem like a lot of hot sex, does he?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, he's 74 now, but when.

[Christina P.]

I'm saying back in the day, I'm.

[Tom Segura]

Sure he threw that dick around. Yeah. So is she.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, they're both cute. No, she's in love with Gail. Big time.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Christina P.]

Because I'll tell you when. When she talks. I've seen interviews where she's like Gayle King. Imagine a friend who is your biggest supporter.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Your best friend. She's my mother. My Daughter, My sister, my love. I mean, she is like. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

You think she's part of the Eat a Booty gang, though? Of course. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Of course they're in the Eat a Booty gang. Who isn't in the Eat a Booty gang?

[Tom Segura]

A lot of people are not in the Eat a Booty gang. Yeah. I found out so many of my friends have never done that. It was so baffling to me. So many.

[Christina P.]

That's because you're mentally ill. We've discussed this before. If you think you're the normal one and that's why you're even crazier than me. You think you're okay and everyone else is.

[Tom Segura]

You think you're okay.

[Christina P.]

That's called a personality disorder.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Christina P.]

I'm neurotic because I think I'm the problem. Yeah, but you're personality disorder because you think everyone else is.

[Tom Segura]

Get out of here. Look at this.

[Christina P.]

Get over here. Get over here now. What did I eat yesterday?

[Tom Segura]

Pasta, Rigatoni. It's a cool relationship. You don't like that?

[Christina P.]

I didn't. I don't want to. Can I tell you why?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Christina P.]

It's a little. It's a little fabricated.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's authentic. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Real married couples, they go. I know what you had. You had the salad from Mendocino Farm.

[Tom Segura]

It was very performative. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Soyrizo chips on there. Oh, you had the ranch dressing. Because I can tell my baby's digestion. Your farts and your toots and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And shits and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Can you tell what I ate?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P.]

You're not as dialed into me. I'm into. I'm. I'm dialed into you, you know, because I'm the woman. I'm a lady.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I'm a mother. You have toddlers you don't even know.

[Tom Segura]

3.

[Christina P.]

What my middle name is. What's my middle name?

[Tom Segura]

Whatever. Edith.

[Christina P.]

Where was I born? It's not. I changed it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Where was I born?

[Tom Segura]

Windsor, Ontario, Canada.

[Christina P.]

What's my. What's my sign?

[Tom Segura]

Your sign?

[Christina P.]

My astrological sign.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, who gives a rated T for teen? Each year, thousands of adults lose their shred. It's an epidemic simply known as shred loss. But it doesn't have to be this way. Because rekindling your shred is as easy as playing the new Tony hawk's Pro.

[Christina P.]

Skater 3 and 4. With new parks, cross platform multiplayer, and.

[Tom Segura]

Sick new game modes, we can put an end to shred loss everywhere. Hit the new Tony hawk's Pro Skater 3 and 4 and show the world that the shred's not dead.

[Christina P.]

Pre order.

[Tom Segura]

Tony hawk's Pro Skater 3, 3 and 4. And play the Foundry demo.

[Christina P.]

You don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care.

[Christina P.]

You don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care.

[Christina P.]

You don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not a broad. I don't care about that. You were born in June.

[Christina P.]

I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can tell me my astrological.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what any of those are. I don't even know.

[Christina P.]

I don't know. You don't know your wife's astrological sign?

[Tom Segura]

No, she's a Taurus.

[Christina P.]

Final answer.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't care.

[Christina P.]

I want you to tell me.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what they are.

[Christina P.]

You do know what they are.

[Tom Segura]

Put.

[Christina P.]

Josh, bring up the signs.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Christina P.]

And guess. Don't say what month they're correlated to.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Christina P.]

Because. So, you know, Tricky, tricky. What school. Do you know what school your sons go to?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know what schools they go to.

[Christina P.]

What's my name?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, you are a. You're either a Taurus, Gemini, Virgo, Libra, or Scorpio, I think. Or Capricorn or Aquarius. Which one is it?

[Christina P.]

Butt slop. Pick one.

[Tom Segura]

I just did. No, you're a Taurus. You're a Libra. You're a Capricorn. You're a Sagittarius. You're Chastarius, Pisces. What are you?

[Christina P.]

Guess.

[Tom Segura]

I just.

[Christina P.]

Butthole. Just guess one so I can tell you if you're right or not.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. You're Libra.

[Christina P.]

Final answer.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P.]

Libra.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I just said 10 times.

[Christina P.]

Josh, go ahead and tell them what month a Libra corresponds to October.

[Tom Segura]

So you're not a Libra. So what are you? Can I also tell you this, though, before. Before you tell me, can I just please tell you this? Yeah, can I. Can I tell you this, And I mean this with all sincerity.

[Christina P.]

All do. And I mean all sincere, all sincerity.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care.

[Christina P.]

I didn't care.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care. No, no. I just don't care.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I know you don't care.

[Tom Segura]

Okay?

[Christina P.]

That's why you're a bigger sociopath than me.

[Tom Segura]

Gemini. I said that one.

[Christina P.]

I said that out of all the 12. Yeah, I said in all the 12, you were like, Pisces, Aries, Libra, Scorpio.

[Tom Segura]

I already guessed it.

[Christina P.]

Geminis.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Oh, did he guess Gemini first? No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was first.

[Christina P.]

Lies.

[Tom Segura]

If you played the tape back, I said Gemini, and then you were like, Is that your final? And I moved on.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

So I had it right.

[Christina P.]

You're such a lying face. God's gonna punish you so hard, you know? And I hope. I hope that surfer finds you and shaves the other side of your dumbbeard.

[Tom Segura]

So rude.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What am I, Aries? How do you know?

[Christina P.]

Because I looked it up when we started dating, because that's what girls do. They look you, and they look you up and they go, oh, my God, he's in the seventh ascendance of the thing.

[Tom Segura]

Are you putting together why I didn't do it? I'm not a fucking chick, and chicks are dumb, okay?

[Christina P.]

Dumb broad. Yeah, yeah, but cheeseburger whistle. Listen, hamburger slice. Is that after just knowing somebody for 20 years? You've known me since I was 25.

[Tom Segura]

You never thought, didn't care, and still don't. And by the way, never thought. By the way, I will forget that you are this. And I will. I will do.

[Christina P.]

I know you will. And this is your sociopathy now. You're gonna double down on it and go, oh, yeah? Well, I'm still gonna forget it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I am. I am. Okay.

[Christina P.]

Aries. Aries.

[Tom Segura]

Aries. Okay. All right.

[Christina P.]

Can I give you a redeeming yourself question?

[Tom Segura]

Sure. She's a Libra. I got it. Go ahead.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Shut up. Okay.

[Christina P.]

Death row meal. What am I gonna pick?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, your death row meal.

[Christina P.]

You can do this, Tom. Dig deep. You've known me since I was 25 years old. You can do this, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, there's a few.

[Christina P.]

And I'm thinking about five things. It could be one of, like, five things.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I definitely think you would do Korean at some point in your death row.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I think you would do kimchi and calby.

[Christina P.]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

I think that would be a problem.

[Christina P.]

Category, but let's go, like, day to day. I could make this at home. I'm leading the. I'm leading you a little bit here. For sake, man. You know I'm trailer trash.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So think about it.

[Tom Segura]

Well, what, you're gonna make Mac and cheese and. And shake and bake.

[Christina P.]

That's close.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty close, right? Yeah. I mean, you like to make soups all the time. Poop soup. But you make it all the time, dude.

[Christina P.]

Death row. This is it. This is the end of my life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God. You know, I like shitty spaghetti with spicy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. With.

[Christina P.]

With your.

[Tom Segura]

With your. Your. Your cheap cheese. Your parmesan.

[Christina P.]

Thank you. Shaky cheese.

[Tom Segura]

That's not.

[Christina P.]

And ragu.

[Tom Segura]

That's not necessarily Number one, though.

[Christina P.]

Don't act like in my heart, or I would have accepted Stouffer's French bread pizza.

[Tom Segura]

Get the out of here.

[Christina P.]

I love Stouffer's French over the Korean stuff.

[Tom Segura]

No, you wouldn't.

[Christina P.]

I do in my heart, but I don't eat it as much because it's unhealthy. I'm not supposed to eat that, bro.

[Tom Segura]

You never have this.

[Christina P.]

Don't act like it's in the freezer. Now in Texas, on our children's eyes right now, there's a Stouffer's French bread pizza. There's one. Yes, there is. I know exactly. I see it in my mind's eye.

[Tom Segura]

You. That is not on your death row list.

[Christina P.]

It is, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, then you're another person. I don't know you. That's insane, Stove. Like, you act like, oh, we always talk about Stouffers and how much you love this.

[Christina P.]

I do love it. I've talked about it. Okay, I'll give you one more thing. One more thing. My favorite band of all time.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's easy. That's easy, bro. It's. It's Huey Lewis.

[Christina P.]

All right, off. There's a guest here.

[Tom Segura]

Let's go.

[Christina P.]

We're divorcing. This is terrible. Thank you. Thank you. Good job, bro. What did I get you for, everybody?

[Tom Segura]

Tom?

[Christina P.]

Guest bow house.

[Tom Segura]

What did I just bring you?

[Christina P.]

You got me the bow house coasters. I really appreciate that, Robert Smith.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know.

[Christina P.]

You got it. I appreciate that.

[Tom Segura]

Gypsy.

[Christina P.]

Stupid Aries.

[Tom Segura]

All right, let's. Let's reset here. I'm with a Libra. You know how it is. All right, we'll take a little break. And we are back. And we are joined by one of our all time favorites. He's the host of the Honeydew and the Way Back. You can see his current special, Lefty Son on YouTube. There's a new one called coming out called Live and Alive. That's correct. And you can see him live if you get [e-mail]. it's Ryan Sickler, everybody. Thank you for having me back, guys. Good to be. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. Dude, you look good. Thank you, man. You're trimmed down. Trying to take after you. Yeah. How you look. You trimmed down a lot. I needed to. I was, you know, once I got on that side scale and I was like, what's going on here? And then I went and did your bad thoughts and I said, I looked down to try to see my big fake dick. And I couldn't see it over my real big gut. And I was like, it's time, bro. I gotta hand, that was it. So in a way, yeah, that was. It really inspired me. There's somebody that can say that Big Dick changed my life. It did. Yeah. That Big Dick changed my life and my health. Yeah, you look great. So you've been just eating healthier, eating better. I'm not killing myself in any way to go, you know, but just making smarter decisions. But cardio has been the thing too, that I've just. Since the injury, I couldn't. I was always in pain. So dropping the weights help. And I'm out doing cardio now. And that just also changes your mental perspective. I love getting outside in the sun and just walking and getting some exercise. Kill you right now.

[Christina P.]

Can't do that.

[Tom Segura]

Your enemy right now. Yeah. You're down almost £30. Yeah. That's incredible. Without Ozempic or any. That's. I'm not. I'm not saying any people should, but even my doctor, when I went to see him, he's like, you should definitely start losing some weight here. Just get that off your spine. And do you want to try Ozempic? And I was like, no. I haven't even begun to begin to take this seriously. Like, if I genuinely take it seriously and I, you know, I'm still a fat ass, then, yeah, I'll come back and see you for a needle. But let me just really see if I can. And I'll be honest, I'm surprised at 52 that you. If you just make some. I mean, they're not. I'm not doing anything. Yeah. If you just do it and get in the groove and keep doing it, it still works. Nice. Yeah, it looks great. You look great, man. Thank you, brother. Well, I mean, especially.

[Christina P.]

Especially me right now.

[Tom Segura]

Right now. Look at this.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I can't wait for you to see my eyebrows up. Oh, there you go. Does that feel nice?

[Tom Segura]

Now I see. Yeah, I gotta cover up this pink eye I got out in your lobby out there from some shag pillow from 1968. What is that? I don't know, but your eye looks super irritated. Yeah, it is. It is irritated. Just one of them.

[Christina P.]

When's the last time you had pink eye? For real?

[Tom Segura]

Ah, God. As a kid.

[Christina P.]

Shut up. That's because he has got a daughter. We have boys, the pink eyes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you know what? I never did get pink. I was thinking about that. Yeah, I do have a kid now. I never did get pink out. Luck. Knock on Wood. I don't want to jinx it. We've. We've avoided pink guy and we've also avoided lice. Knock on woods. So far, we've avoided lice. I've woken up with one of my son's on my eye and I've been like, well, that's red.

[Christina P.]

No, he. He put his on your face and farted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was cool. Yeah, it smelled bad. Yeah, you don't have to be that old for it to smell like an old man's fart. And then it's really interesting. Like comes out with that. I was like, huh, that smells like a. Just a 35 year old truck.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah, yeah, it smells bad from the jump.

[Tom Segura]

That smells real bad. This is pretty cool. I found this. I don't know if you've seen this story yet. I've never seen anything remotely resembling something like this. Officers in Bergen county say they're taking action against what they call a hostile work environment created by the police chief. They're planning to file a lawsuit alleging some pretty disturbing behavior. These are just some of the photos provided by Toscano. Allegations made against chief Robert Farley included sending a gay pride flag to an officer's home, shaving his body hair and leaving it all over an officer's desk and personal property, and jabbing an officer with a hypodermic needle through his pants. The officers also say he pulled his pants down and defecated on the floor.

[Christina P.]

In front of his entire staff.

[Tom Segura]

On several occasions, he has thrown eggs in fits of anger, creating additional messes for staff to clean up. And they say he also tampered with the office coffee by adding prescription medications such as Adderall and Viag, causing staff to inadvertently experience the effects of these substances without their consent. A chief. That's the chief of police. Chief. I like how they went, like senegay pride flag. Yeah. And then it was like stabbed a guy in the leg with a needle. Took a on his mom's house. Like, what? The Kept getting worse. You know, they had the list. They're like, all right, let's pick this order. 100. The but also the chief, as he's doing is like, how am I top in that? Yeah, yeah, how am I gonna top that one? I'm gonna stick this guy with a hypodermic needle. Perfect. That it's Jersey.

[Christina P.]

It's like the most corrupt. But also, don't you think 20 years ago nobody would bat an eye at some crazy like this? You like, that's just Jerry.

[Tom Segura]

This is. Yup. That's just. It's just chief Jerry, man, he does. Shaved his balls, Farley. Yeah, I got his pubes right here. Shaved his back on my desk. Yeah. So crazy.

[Christina P.]

I know. This just sounds like the 90s.

[Tom Segura]

It's so gross, your chief's back hair all over you. Just. What is all this? Chief trimmed up over here right before he. On the floor. Shaved his back over. Oh, that's his over there. What's that? Oh, he threw an egg at the wall. He's pissed. Then he stabbed me in the leg with a needle. Mailed a flag to my house. That's crazier to take it a. Because you don't know what's in that needle. You know, he's like, I got this off a suspect this morning, you know? Yeah. I mean, that's the whole thing is cops are always like, you got anything sharp? They can stab me. That's all they ask.

[Christina P.]

But I go.

[Tom Segura]

Stick me if I go in those pockets, chief. Chief's gonna stab me.

[Christina P.]

But I do appreciate the Adderall in the coffee because that is a strong cup.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you get that? So they're getting boners and they're all jacked up. Hopeful sinks wide awake with their dick hard out on the. Hey, chief, we're all hard. What's going on? Ah, I. With your guys coffee today? You are, huh? Yeah. Yeah, man. Wait till you see this. I got you guys.

[Christina P.]

Can your body even handle A.D. i don't know.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lot. A lot of stimulants.

[Christina P.]

So much.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, cuz, you got. You got speed and you got open capillaries. You imagine looking in your rear view and a bunch of cops sauntered up. He's just got a hard dick like this guy. Really stoked. He got me. He loved pulling me over.

[Christina P.]

He's so excited.

[Tom Segura]

Again, let's. I think that the chief has to do a statement, right? This is a statement. Denies any wrong, calling the allegations false and outrageous, claiming they were made by disgruntled officers. Sure. In a new statement late today, the township says some of the officers planning to file suit recently had their overtime pay reduced. Writing. When chief Farley took office last year, he undertook an initiative to reduce the amount of police overtime. It is highly suspicious that these allegations have only come to light after chief Farley instituted these reforms. They all immediately said as to any allegation that they have filed, they will all undergo polygraph examinations immediately. Okay. Yeah, you guys, just overtime, you know, it's just. Just disgruntled overtime people right now. Saying I on the floor, Right?

[Christina P.]

Which sounds like something a guy that shits on the floor would say.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Christina P.]

He's like, I mean, they're just mad at me.

[Tom Segura]

God. Cry over time. Next thing you know, I'm stabbing people with needles. I mean, come on, man. Like, we'll take a lie detector. Yeah. Yeah. You ever have to take a lie detector? Have you ever taken one? You guys never did one on this show or anything? Should I never have? But my aunt Marguerite was forced to take one. What? She was forced to take one when she was working for Rite Aid back in the 80s. She was a cashier at Rite Aid on Eastern Avenue in Baltimore, Maryland, in Highland Town. And some money went missing. And so they blamed her and some other cashiers. And long story short, they told her they had to pass a lie detector test and to save their job. So they contact an attorney. She said, look, I don't care if you stole it or not. Did you steal it? They said, no, we're not stealing anything. She goes, okay. Then if they're telling you you have to take that test to save your job, that's illegal. You go, take that test. Pass that test. We got them. They all passed the test. They open up a case again. Long story short, turns out the big wigs are embezzling, blaming it on these ladies. My aunt Marguerite cashes in in the 80s for $1.4 million, y'. All. Yeah. For real rich. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

She was the sort of the ringleader that got the attorney everything. So she got a little more, but I think there were, like, four ladies, and they all got over a million dollars.

[Christina P.]

Good for them.

[Tom Segura]

Good for them. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So the point of the story is.

[Tom Segura]

That'S a game changer, right? Yeah, big time. She moved her grandkids out to. I mean, but, like, this is Baltimore City. They went right here. Yeah, that's always right here. You know what I mean? They didn't go. They went right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a game changer. Yeah. Yeah. Is this. By the way, are you doing stuff like this? I'm Ryan, and when I say I like ass, I mean, God damn. I guess. I mean, I'll tell you what, Ryan. Yeah, I am. I got pink eye. I should ask him what he's doing eating that ass. Because he doesn't have it. You know what I mean? I got it. He doesn't have. And you're both, Ryan. You both love ass. And this also feels like you could have done this one. I'm Ryan, and I just got A fresh cut for all you beautiful black goddesses out there. Yeah. You know, sometimes a haircut makes you feel nice.

[Christina P.]

Sometimes a good haircut makes you feel nice. He's one of these people who talks around their teeth, too. Like, you know, there's people that they talk around their teeth.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I've never heard he's got that. Yeah, he's got a lot of teeth.

[Christina P.]

He's got to talk around the teeth.

[Tom Segura]

Whole lot of mouth going on. Right.

[Christina P.]

And I got a fresh.

[Tom Segura]

I got a fresh cut for the beautiful black princesses out. Does he. Do we know more about this guy? That's it so far. Does he have a black girlfriend or anything? I think he wants one. Yeah, he definitely wants beautiful black goddesses. Yeah. All right. Good luck with that.

[Christina P.]

Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

Ryan, you should start doing those. I'm Ryan and I just got. I just lost 30 pounds. Black women and then just end it like that.

[Christina P.]

Do it, Ryan. Do it. Do it as him.

[Tom Segura]

As him.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

My name is Ryan. I just got a fresh cut for all you beautiful black goddesses. Dude, that is a great lane for you. That was such a good start, making shorts guy. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So good.

[Tom Segura]

He doesn't waste any words. It's all right. There it is. Both of them.

[Christina P.]

Direct message.

[Tom Segura]

If you're a black lady that likes getting her ass eaten, this is your guy. He's doing six second videos. Yeah. Yeah, it's really interesting. Most people go on too long. Yeah, you're right. She's all right there, you know, right there. I got the full message. I got a cut. And I like black ass. Looking good. I'm feeling good. Black ladies. Spread those cheeks. Yeah, that's what I want. Six seconds. It's perfect, man. What did I pull for you? Oh, yeah, Some cool videos. Oh, my gosh. That was to the face. That's car. Is he at a truck? Yeah. He said with his mouth open to you. Dick. He's a chick.

[Christina P.]

But how many times have you wanted to do that?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that. I mean, being in an open car has always been like a dream. Seems like a fun thing to do.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I didn't realize I could happen to you. Well, you get hit in the head and you should definitely close your mouth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm not opening my. I would do that with goggles and on. Yeah. My mouth at the.

[Christina P.]

There.

[Tom Segura]

Like what an. That's recycled water and like. It's so gross. Dude. It's the grossing. It's all the dirty water running off everyone else's car being recycled back through that. He's like, is that true? Yeah. It's so disgusting. It's so gross.

[Christina P.]

But I want that whippoorwill thing to come over me. That thing just scratch your back.

[Tom Segura]

That seems it would feel good. I feel like it probably tear your skin.

[Christina P.]

There's Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

There's Ryan. Oh, what the. He kept pedaling me. I understand that. He could have stopped. It looked like he just. He intentionally did that. He's slowing down. He's slowing down. He said nah, never mind. Oh, my God. What did you do?

[Christina P.]

His sounds are amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Those are great. Sounds like some ribs in there.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Did we find Ryan's page? Oh, these have got to be gold.

[Christina P.]

Stop the stitches.

[Tom Segura]

Are they all just gonna be. I'm Ryan. Oh, Ryan. And hopefully I get a big black booty in my face. That was it. I'm Ryan, and I have a confession. Oh, is it about black ass but like a dog. Okay, I'm Ryan and I'm watching WWE United Champions and it's the Jade Cargill and Jade Cargill and Oscar match. And they're booing Jade Cargill. Saudi Arabia doesn't know what they're saying, bro. Like, Jade Cargill is a beautiful, dominant athlete, and she's just. She's everything what a woman should be. He's just trying to work around women. Should be. Yeah, he's. Don't boot it. He's working around those teeth. Tell you what. Yeah. Longest. Longest post yet. Yeah. About wrestling. Yeah. So you know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying.

[Christina P.]

I know what you're saying. I know what you mean.

[Tom Segura]

Longest one. He didn't stop talking about. Scroll down and just pick a random one. I like black ass. Can you go down comes to wrestling. Yeah, Just pick a random one. Yeah, Here we go. I'm Ryan, and people who like to talk about other people behind their back. Not to me personally, but to anyone who likes it talk and not confront, like, other people about them talking. Yeah, they're the cowards. They're the childish one. They're. I don't know, man. I just feel sorry for people who, like, starts rumors and. Yeah, all this other stuff, man, like, it doesn't matter how big and bad you think you are. You're not. You do that. Your child. You're a child. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

How'd you know he's gonna say that?

[Tom Segura]

Put it together. Yeah, I'm good. I've been watching a lot of Ryan's. Yeah, I can tell. I can tell. What do you think his mom made him for Dinner that night, you know? You know, she's right in the next room. He ain't living by himself.

[Christina P.]

How far does he pie?

[Tom Segura]

How down? How far down does this go? Oh, wow. He's been here for years. Hey, guys. There's a chick, a lady in there. Hi, guys.

[Christina P.]

This is right.

[Tom Segura]

Who's this? Let's see. What would you do if you were doing it and I whipped this out?

[Christina P.]

That's pretty funny.

[Tom Segura]

Just gonna put them back together. I, I, I, I, I can't do this. That was pretty good, Ryan.

[Christina P.]

That was funny.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty funny. What about the next one is he's doing I'm Ryan. I'm Ryan. And I had to take down my last post because I feel like it kind of offended people because of the ginormous ass. And also, I'm not. I was just trying to have fun. So you know what's great about this guy? He's totally on brand always. We just went back, like a couple years and he was like, it was a big ass. Respectfully. Also, though, he has a fan base. He was like, hey, man, that's not cool. How many followers listen and take him down does he have?

[Christina P.]

Let's go back to the beginning.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's got 10. Is that 10,000, Ryan. Damn. I mean, hey, buddy's an influencer at this point. Ryan's doing his, man.

[Christina P.]

I just like girls.

[Tom Segura]

Black ass. Black ass. I like black. I'm ryan. Yeah. I'm 33. Okay. I need a Valentine's Day date and a good book.

[Christina P.]

And what at a good book? He doesn't read books. Let's be honest.

[Tom Segura]

Honest as Sally said. I thought I said I want to play it again.

[Christina P.]

Oh, maybe I misunderstood.

[Tom Segura]

I'm Ryan. I'm 33. I need a Valentine's Day date and a good book.

[Christina P.]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I would want a good book.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you were way off on that.

[Christina P.]

Way off.

[Tom Segura]

He's not looking at books. He's not? No, no, no. I'm Ryan. Got an ass block in his view. What are you talking about?

[Christina P.]

Good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I like that he randomly posts hot chicks, though. That's a cool move, too. Nice. Yeah. That's a wrestler for sure.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I'm Ryan. And this Stephanie Valkyra. Yeah. WWE wrestler. Yeah. Don't know how to pronounce her last name, but that doesn't matter. She's freaking hot. And I'm gonna.

[Christina P.]

We know.

[Tom Segura]

We do her so bad.

[Christina P.]

We got it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, here's the thing, Ryan. Keep putting that out there. One thing I've learned is that if you tell chicks you want to get in there, they. They listen.

[Christina P.]

Love that.

[Tom Segura]

No doubt. It's called manifesting. Yeah, man. The more you keep putting these videos out, the more black ass is going to be sitting on your face, buddy. You're not even gonna be able to see in a few months, you know.

[Christina P.]

What'S gonna happen and what he's thinking. And I know he's thinking in his mind, is that Stephanie Vel, Alaska, whatever her name is. She's gonna see that, and then she's gonna be all, oh, my God, who's Ryan? Ryan who likes big asses?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I'm guessing that's the moment he switches from the black ass to brown ass. You know what I mean?

[Christina P.]

Then he takes down all the black ass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's like, hey, I'm Ryan. I got to take all this down. She's gonna be actually brown ass. What am I, like, second place to you? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

She'll be insulted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

He didn't think that through.

[Tom Segura]

True. No.

[Christina P.]

Also, like, when social media, when I first started posting, I would be like, hey, it's Christina, and come see me at the funny bone. And I remember in the comments, somebody was like, we know who you are, dummy. You don't have to say it every time.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, who's the guy on the far right there? It looks like he's coming out of a bender. Yeah. I'm not posting any more videos. All of you for never showing up. Well, no one's gonna miss you. Wow. I'm Ryan, and I'm still gonna make videos. He dropped. He gave us a little button at the top, then hit us with hi, I'm Ryan. Cold open. Nobody's gonna miss you. Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm gonna keep doing my thing.

[Christina P.]

Hi.

[Tom Segura]

I really hope you adopt. Hi, I'm Ryan.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I'm Ryan.

[Christina P.]

Hi, I'm Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

I have a show this weekend. Oh, God. Oh, there's. Who's the big muscular guy?

[Christina P.]

Hi, I'm Ryan. That's Ryan is.

[Tom Segura]

He's. Oh, really?

[Christina P.]

Just AI Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

AI Ryan. AI Ryan. Wow.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Hi, I'm Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

Ryan, if you get like that, I promise you're gonna get all the black ass you want.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Male, black ass. I don't think. Female black ass. I think it's a different kind of black ass. Coming my way. Be down in West Hollywood. Just. Yeah, black. Hi, I'm Ryan.

[Christina P.]

We knew that was gonna happen.

[Tom Segura]

Listen, this is my. Your husband. As you know Is a psycho. My whole feed is people dying.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

People being paralyzed.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

People being shot at.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

People falling and hurting themselves. Every now and then there's like, a little, like, look at this weird one here. I sent him one the other day where some dude died. Did you see this? Some guy died, and his last wish was to rent a helicopter and just drop cash from the sky for everybody. And the whole streets are out there and they're just letting cash fly.

[Christina P.]

That's nice.

[Tom Segura]

That was crazy. I had. I have to try to break up the algorithm with like, that. Because it's just pure murder on my.

[Christina P.]

Because of what he's sending.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Is what you're saying.

[Tom Segura]

Watching a guy just have his neck and spine snapped for 14 minutes on a bull because they can't get them off. So, like that. It's just. Just jelly on there. Like, God forbid. That one was crazy, dude.

[Christina P.]

But sickler. He has. So the other night, he said that he thinks I'm more mentally unwell than him.

[Tom Segura]

But why?

[Christina P.]

I'm a sociopath. I don't have feelings. And I'm crazier.

[Tom Segura]

He thinks cold communist dude.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. But I'm Eastern European. This is cultural.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Cultural killer. Fine.

[Christina P.]

He thinks I'm way crazier. No way.

[Tom Segura]

But you think you're not because you just, like, laugh at it and send it.

[Christina P.]

No. He really enjoys it, though. Right? I saw the joy when you brought these.

[Tom Segura]

I get like three a day of, like, horrific.

[Christina P.]

Look at him laughing.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And I don't.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there. There are some other random ones scattered in there too.

[Christina P.]

Oh, like what?

[Tom Segura]

Tom tell you all care about that one? There's all kinds of stuff. All kinds. That was a good one.

[Christina P.]

Classics.

[Tom Segura]

That was a fastball to the nuts, dude.

[Christina P.]

Terrible.

[Tom Segura]

My favorite. You ever seen the. When major league players get mad at the ump. Yeah. And they move out of the way or they'll drop the glove and hit the guy in the neck. And this shit's coming. It's like 100 miles an hour. Your neck. Yeah. Dude.

[Christina P.]

Dude didn't. Wasn't there a comic whose nuts got twisted catching? He was a catcher. Baseball just.

[Tom Segura]

I get your nuts.

[Christina P.]

And he was like. You know, the catcher. So he was crouched down, and then he got hit in the nut with the ball, and then it twisted his nuts.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. And he lost the nut.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I want to say there's a guy in common.

[Tom Segura]

How about when Mr. Belvedere sat on his nuts? Remember that? I do remember that. Yeah. He didn't like that.

[Christina P.]

He was very upset.

[Tom Segura]

They changed the taping that week. We had a kid. I don't want to say his name. It's gonna be we had a kid.

[Christina P.]

That's why they call it Velvety.

[Tom Segura]

You're off this week. Why? Oh, Belvedere sat on his ball bag over here. We had a kid. God. I don't want to say his name, but I'm gonna say this poor kid. I won't say his first name. We'll call it. Say it was Joe. His last name really was Dudo. And the kid did a belly. The story was he did a belly flop into a pool. Hits and his nuts tangle and he has to lose. And they called a kid Joe Uno. The rest, that's just a tough time to have one ball, you know, later in life, you don't give a age that age is rough. And everybody.

[Christina P.]

Everybody, every day, everybody knows everywhere you.

[Tom Segura]

Go, all day long. And now it's your nickname. It's your nickname. It's not just. Then you go to your next, like, place in life, and they're like, how come everybody calls you Uno? And you're like, God damn it. Or you think you escape it, and then one day somebody sees you and says it. And everybody at work's like, what's that that all about? Like, when we all knew Brody. Yeah. As Brody. But the. His whole upbringing, he was Steven to those people. Yeah. Who? The Steven? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Just to make it to high school, like. Oh, and everybody in high school knows that about you. It's like that one girl that had butt sex. Butt sex Becky. And then you're just butt sex Becky for four years.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we had. We had that back door Becky. She was back door back. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This. It completely traumatized her. Traumatized her. Not the ass in high school. The making fun of. The making fun of. Yeah. Cuz everybody would call her that. She would just break down crying. Yeah, it was horrible.

[Christina P.]

Maybe this is your story and I just made it mine. I think about it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm not sure who. Who you're even looking at right now, Christine. I'm not sure. You look like the Hamburglar. Oh, yeah. You look like the goddamn Hamburglar right now. Christ.

[Christina P.]

What was his stupidness?

[Tom Segura]

Christina, you a hammer.

[Christina P.]

He was always going to jail.

[Tom Segura]

He was stealing burgers. I thought you looked like Zorro in the other. With the other hat on the gayer blade. This is so bad for my plastic surgery. It's not Saturday. We're over here bullying you over Here. It's not good.

[Christina P.]

I still got the stitches in, boys. At least the stitches come.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's so funny, dude.

[Christina P.]

Rabble. Rabble.

[Tom Segura]

Holy. Oh, my God. That's not a small man either. No, play that again. Holy. Is that a yak? What is that? Look how high up that guy got. Oh, dude, he could have stood on top of that car. He threw him. It threw him with just a flick of the neck. Remember that other one I sent you, where the guy went? Yeah, he went way too. Yeah, like nothing, too. Yeah. We're so weak. I love people that think they're gonna touch animals. And oh, my God, the music.

[Christina P.]

I think that's horror music. Oh, what the.

[Tom Segura]

That's a sewage line breaking. I was wondering. It's all brown. Oh, God, that guy's swimming in it. Ah. Oh, that's.

[Christina P.]

Man, that's the worst. That's the. That's like the worst thing that can.

[Tom Segura]

Happen to you being in a pool of. Just swimming in a pool of other people's. Not yours.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's awful.

[Tom Segura]

I don't want to be in my own.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I'd rather fall into a sinkhole.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, just kill me at that. Yeah, that's really. Oh, man, let's eat a female.

[Christina P.]

What is.

[Tom Segura]

His legs come up. That back is ruined. You hear it so clearly on the floor. Knock the wind out of him to air it like crazy. Look at that. Right leg goes over. He's. Why are you coming into work that excited anyway? What the. Do you got, everybody? You gotta come in that high. You got. You got. Unless you got some breaking news, man. Settle the step up the steps. He was gonna. He thought he was gonna fly in all cool. He did, man.

[Christina P.]

Especially. That floor is so shiny. It's so slick.

[Tom Segura]

You know that floor.

[Christina P.]

You.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God. I just lost my headphones. Oh, they're back. Oh, wait, a cut out again.

[Christina P.]

I don't like that.

[Tom Segura]

What the hell happened? The street cleaning spray. He thought he would just ride through it. High pressure. He doesn't realize how high pressure that. Okay, I didn't realize it. Him up, dude. He's tumbling like he's going down a cliff. I thought you would get a kick out of this too. We played this before. Beautiful soul. So I want you to ask yourself what you feeding your today, beautiful soul? Go in with intention and self love and self care.

[Christina P.]

Think about how it's going to digest in your body and attached to that and what it's gonna do.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful. So if you eat the fruit, it's gonna go in that and fruitify it. Yeah. Meaning it's gonna heal it and clean it and just flourish it with a good ass drip.

[Christina P.]

And I'm gonna say that as kind as I can.

[Tom Segura]

I'm Ryan and I like fruity. I was about to say, I think we know a guy for her. I'm Ryan and I want some fruity black ass. Fruit ified ass. Fruity black. Ey. Oh, she's sweet though.

[Christina P.]

I like her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she is. I'll tell you who's not sweet.

[Christina P.]

She should sell something.

[Tom Segura]

This. Stay there. No, this is where her is.

[Christina P.]

Do not touch her. Look at her. Shut the up. Don't touch me.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not.

[Christina P.]

I'm not even touching your hair.

[Tom Segura]

You need to let go. You need to let go right now. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't want to sit next to a fat lady. Y' all see me?

[Christina P.]

You know what's going on? Put me on the ground.

[Tom Segura]

This chick is awesome.

[Christina P.]

I know. I wish I were on this flight.

[Tom Segura]

I want to see this in person.

[Christina P.]

Me too. I never get to me.

[Tom Segura]

I never do either. I never seen. Oh yeah. Make that bigger. That's Liana Perry, 32 year old passenger from the Big Apple. Whoever fucking writes. Was arrested and charged with aggravated assault after a meltdown before takeoff around 1am Tuesday, Port Authority police said. Video from inside the cabin shows several passengers and employees grappling with the crazed passenger. She holds onto a woman's hair and calls her a fat ass. Let go of her hair. They claim that she claims to not be touching the other woman's hair despite having a handful of it. Yeah, it's cool. It's pretty cool.

[Christina P.]

Look at this fat lady.

[Tom Segura]

Look at this fat ass.

[Christina P.]

She can't even look. You can't even see her stomach.

[Tom Segura]

It's horrible. Look at her outfit. Look at this fat ass. Hilarious.

[Christina P.]

You can't even show your mouth cuz you're embarrassed. You can't even see it cuz you're embarrassed.

[Tom Segura]

Shut up. Out. Who is the one? Sorry, I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

[Christina P.]

Ugly ass dude who's never going to lay it again. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Black guy.

[Christina P.]

My boyfriend's black.

[Tom Segura]

Shut the up.

[Christina P.]

My boyfriend's a black guy. My boyfriend's a black.

[Tom Segura]

My boyfriend's black.

[Christina P.]

My boyfriend's a black guy. You're joking.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm waiting for it. I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming.

[Christina P.]

That's a dick move. Shut the up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's aggravated assault. I learned that because aren't you kind of bricked up though, with her? Like, she's just. There's something hot about her. I'll tell you what needs she needs. She needs to be dicked down. Yeah. A good. That dude does not get ever getting laid again. She take her home? Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You think she had the coffee with the Adderall and the Viagra?

[Tom Segura]

She's a cop.

[Christina P.]

That's exactly how you would.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a police officer. She's like, talk to my loot. Talk to my chief of police. Goddamn. I'm undercover. Somebody take this. I'm just doing what I was trained to do. We got in a fight in indoor soccer in Baltimore City on. We got in a lot of fights, but this one, I don't know why our goalie or our Goldie, as Christina will call him. Our Goldie. Goldie spit on the ref. Whoa. And they arrested him on the field. And we were like 19, and we're like, they arrested him on the field? Oh, yeah, on the field. I played goal after that and I wasn't a goalie. And we go to bail him out after the game, we're like, we'll come down, get you out. And that. The charges they hit him with were aggravated assault because of the spitting. Spitting? Yeah. He's spitting a man's face. Why he spit. Because the ref just. We were. It was a melee fight and a ref said something. He said, spitting the rest face. And a ref called 91 1. It came down and arrested him on the field. That's wild.

[Christina P.]

I didn't know that. I've actually spit on a girl once.

[Tom Segura]

That's a. It's a. It's a form of assault. Yeah. You did that in your 20s.

[Christina P.]

Well, I'll tell you what, all right? I'll tell you why, dude. I was dating this guy and this fucking bitch. Long story short, fuck my boyfriend. And then I saw her at a party and I was all, bitch, I know you. My boyfriend. And then she was afraid of me, so she left the party and I was like a second story Victorian in San Francisco, and I stuck my head out the window. I'm all, I know you're whore. And I said her name. Fucking Stephanie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And then I spit on her.

[Tom Segura]

Did you get her?

[Christina P.]

I don't even think so. I was so drunk and angry. I don't even know. It just felt good to spit on a. You know.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right. So look at you now, man. If she could see you now. Hamburglar. If she could, Stephanie could see you now. How many burgers you done scrumped up. How many burgers did I steal since then. Since the 90s.

[Christina P.]

Rubble.

[Tom Segura]

Rubble. There you go. There you are.

[Christina P.]

Here come the Photoshops, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, if they put long hair on.

[Christina P.]

That and even the stripe on this jacket, that's what.

[Tom Segura]

Listen.

[Christina P.]

That's wild.

[Tom Segura]

Once we've been talking for a while, when I looked down and I saw the stripe, it. That's what made me think of the hamburger. I'm like, this chick looks like the goddamn hamburger.

[Christina P.]

Glasses and the hat. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. Okay.

[Christina P.]

So rad.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go. I can't wait for the photos. Oh, have you followed any recent Will Smith stuff? Yes.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen the horrible rap that people are like, oh, y' all woke Will Smith up. Like, I don't think anybody woke him up. And then the one where he's in, like, the city streets trying to get the people. No one even gives a. That he's there. So weird. Yeah. This is, I think, from an interview that was so goddamn weird. For the first time in my career, having to. To deal with a level of disapproval that I never had to experience. Yeah. What does. Making a mistake in. In front of the world. How do you handle that? It's brutal. It's brutal. It's brutal, but beautiful. The addiction to the approval of others that I had to dissolve. Brutiful. It was brutiful. I think we need that word. It makes a lot of sense. No, it doesn't. Stop. Yes. Ending that. But it's like, you know, finding that way to be able to be with my own humanity, be able to not be perfect, but be human and find a higher power in my humanity than I found in my constellation of ideas, of perfection that we called Will Smith. The fullness of who I am, to allow that to be better than Will Smith, the honesty and the authenticity and the broader spectrum of the possibilities of who I am is actually better than Will Smith. So that, like, working in that space of authenticity and honesty, imperfection, allowing that to grow into a higher perfection than the imagery of Will Smith is where I am as an artist and as a human right now. How about. Hey, Chris Rock, I'm so sorry. Yeah, how about that? How about that? How about you shut the. Your wife's, your son's friends, you walked up on stage, you slapped the man in his face. If I was Chris Rock, I would have sued this dumb. I would have sued the Academy. I'm. I'm working for you. That night, you let this get up, slap me across the face. This clown. Yeah, Will Smith. And what an idiot. And brutal. It's brutal.

[Christina P.]

And then to allow myself the unfolding of the perfection, it's like, why don't you say the truth? I'm humiliated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

It was embarrassing.

[Tom Segura]

My wife's, my son's friends, and I lost my. I got up on stage in front of the world and I smacked the out of Chris Rock. You didn't deserve that. Chris Rock. I'm so sorry.

[Christina P.]

I'm embarrassed.

[Tom Segura]

If anyone deserved it, it wasn't you, Chris Rock. But if I say who really deserved it, I could cancel Chris Rock. Rock. Yeah. So I apologize for hitting you when you were the person. I did not want to slap Chris Rock. I really wanted to slap somebody else, but I can't do that because it's my wife. And honestly, my wife will probably kick my ass.

[Christina P.]

But can you imagine the level of that Jada and him say to each other on a daily basis? This. The way he's talking, you know, that's how they talk in that house.

[Tom Segura]

Of course. How was today? It was brutal.

[Christina P.]

Sound.

[Tom Segura]

I know what you mean. What were your wins today? Oh, well, I'll slap Chris Rock. Trying to dissolve the delusion of self while also trying to shape away from the addiction to approval. That is the idea of Will Smith, which is my name, right? That's what my name. When I talk about this, we call Will Smith. It's like, you know, when I pull, it's like almost like I poured this liquid into a container and then it hardened. You know what I mean? Like, brutal. And then I cracked that container and it stayed strong, you know what I mean? But then I dropped the elbow on and it came down like 9, 11 and just spread out everywhere. And I'm like, well, now there's a bunch of brutiful things. Not just one. Brutal. And I started taking that and I started throwing them at people. You know what I mean? Not as, like, rocks, but as gifts, giving them my love, as parts of me. I'm just spreading out everywhere, you know? Yes. Yeah. I love this.

[Christina P.]

I love this, too.

[Tom Segura]

I had to be broken down. Thank you. I'm blessed.

[Christina P.]

Wonderful.

[Tom Segura]

You know, also, you up when you slapped that guy. I did. I should. It's Chris Rock. I'm sorry. Yeah. Then it's over. That's it.

[Christina P.]

All he has to do is. But do you see his ego is. I mean, look, he's been famous for so long. Nobody's told this man the truth about anything since he was, what, 20 years old? 18 years old. Nobody's had the audacity to be like, you up, you dummy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And this is a level of ego and delusion with celebrities that go totally unchecked for this long.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. And that guy's gonna sit there and go, oh, that's. We need to put that in our vernacular right now. Yeah. No, we don't. No, we don't. Oh, brutiful. I love that, man. We don't.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, of course. We should put that in the wiki. The dictionary.

[Tom Segura]

We shouldn't put that. Anyway.

[Christina P.]

Impactful. Brutal.

[Tom Segura]

You should just say, I'm sorry, Chris Rock.

[Christina P.]

Don't ever. Don't ever let us get that way. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

See, sometimes this is the thing I've learned about life. You want to have control of things. You can't. You want what you want now, but sometimes you just gotta let life play out. And the longer I've had to learn because I've been very reactive in my life instead of, like, thinking and letting things go. Thank you. And the long. So. So is your outfit that it's brutal. It's brutal and beautiful. Christy, like your surgery.

[Christina P.]

I make my eye surgeries. All right, go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

But if you just let life do its thing.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Most of the time, it takes care of himself. Right? Takes care of itself. Who would have thought? DJ Jazzy Jeff's the cool one in the end. How about that?

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

How about that? He was always robbing the Batman. Now it looks like this motherfucker's just lose it. He's gone. He's gone. I don't know what happened to that dude.

[Christina P.]

It's kind of like the Mark Wahlberg not joining New Kids on the Block. You know what I mean? Like, he was the.

[Tom Segura]

Because he beat an Asian almost.

[Christina P.]

So I think there was a reason.

[Tom Segura]

It's definitely a reason.

[Christina P.]

But, like, he got in the end, it was good for Mark Wahlberg. Where's the rest of those guys?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, hanging tight. Well, if I could say something without the record, I'm. I'm about to go off and film this feature film, and I've been looking at, like, who is Tom? And in the film, I won't play Tom. I'll play other characters. And so coming to, like, a place of acceptance within myself to allow myself to be these other people is really this transformative process. Tell us about how you're going to shed your Tom skin and slip into that cover of a new person. Wow, Ryan. I don't know. I don't know. That's brutal. That is beautiful. I'll just show up and I I hope the process takes care of itself. What a. That's an interesting way to go about art.

[Christina P.]

Can you. But can you imagine that's how actors talk about what they do playing make believe. And they're like, you know, when I was playing the.

[Tom Segura]

Because this, you know, this get reminded me of when that Nosferatu came out and those two broads were doing interviews everywhere was it.

[Christina P.]

It was wicked.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wicked. Wicked. Ariana Grande. Hold space, man. Oh, my God. And they hold hands. They cry. They cry in every interview. They're like, you're such a beautiful person. They couldn't get through an interview. So bizarre.

[Christina P.]

And what was interesting about my character in the song is that it allowed people to hold the space to feel. And then the interviewer asked, and when.

[Tom Segura]

I say I like ass. Yeah. I'm Ryan. Yeah. And I like black. Yeah, I guess. God damn. That must have been what it really said it really? Yeah. He must have just seen an ass.

[Christina P.]

Will you play these two psychos holding hands? People are taking the lyrics of defying gravity and really holding space with that or in that. I didn't know that that was happening.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I seen it. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's really powerful. That's why I wanted.

[Tom Segura]

Now, here we go. Hold hands.

[Christina P.]

I didn't know that was happening. I've seen it on a couple posts.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know how widespread, but, you.

[Christina P.]

Know, I am in queer media, so that's my cool.

[Tom Segura]

It's really cool.

[Christina P.]

You know, Tom, people were watching Bad Thoughts and that sketch when you yourself.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You really connected with so many people that have had a loss of bowel control. And I just want you to know.

[Tom Segura]

Is that happening that you.

[Christina P.]

It is happening, Tom. People are themselves in solidarity and holding their shits in their space with your shits in space.

[Tom Segura]

That means so much to me. Yeah. I've seen a few posts about it. You saw a couple. Just like one or two of them. So I'm gonna bring it up in this whole interview front of really famous people about a big movie. Two people said something. That's what journalism is now. Yeah. I think. I think I read something somewhere. I think I saw something once. Wow, what? You're really doing research.

[Christina P.]

You're going, they've read something on Twitter.

[Tom Segura]

She said, I didn't know that was happening. She said, I've seen it. And so I'm thinking like, oh, she saw people to park or something. Holding. I've saw a couple. Some people wrote some about it. Yeah. Can I actually tell you a story? I have never Told you quickly about a story that happened. Please, thoughts. Yeah. On bad thoughts. On bad thoughts. And I'm gonna apologize in advance if this came out of your personal budget, but I had been asked to come down and I was. I reset my schedule because I was flying into Detroit Friday to do a show, and then Saturday, Minneapolis, and I redid my schedule to come into Austin for two days, then to fly from Austin to Detroit to Minneapolis. And I'm just all over the place and running around. I'm not eating, I'm not doing anything. I get to your shoot and they're like, get here at 8:30. I'm like, I get there at 8:30. I don't. I don't work until 8:00pm that night. In hindsight. And I'm just there all day and all of a sudden I have to take the. That I haven't taken in like two days because I'm traveling and everything and I'm. And I know what's gonna happen. My trailer's here. Two trailers down is. Are the toilets. I go in and I know what's going on, and I know that that foot pump ain't gonna take care of this. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those boat, you know, boat toilets. Yeah. I'm like, wait, I don't care how many people, but you know what's coming. I'm saying, you know, it's going to be about, oh, yeah, no doubt. And it's exactly what I think it is. And I hit the pedal and exactly what I think is God happen happens at nothing. And I'm like, oh, so thank God no one comes in. I leave. And I mean, it's a lot. And I just go back down to my trailer, and within two minutes, I hear somebody walking. I hear, Jesus Christ. Oh, and you're changing locations. You're going from that mental hospital to the gym. That's where we're at. And I don't get a ride. They tell me to take an Uber over later, guys, like, why you just ride with us? I was like, they told me to take an Uber over. I got out there as quick as I could. I got that here. I was like, this guy gets on a walkie talk, and I hear him like, off the click. He's like, yeah, let him know we're gonna be one down on the other location. Man, I'm gonna have to work on this thing. And I am dying in there like this poor son of a. I. That trailer up, dude. I had never told. That's a Big. They took it down, dude. He's like, no, no, no. It's what they come. Yeah. What. What we got over there? We got any room over there? We're going to need a couple extras. I was in there holding space, you know what I'm saying? Lots of space. So for people that don't, if you go back and look at the bottom line and I'm curious if, like, if they. Someone had to come, if they docked me, they're like, well, you would have had more.

[Christina P.]

It's $20,000 to fix the trailer toilet.

[Tom Segura]

People who haven't seen Lefty Son, you can watch that now, but you have a new one. You know what, can I say this real quick? Thank you all because you supported that special when it came out. YouTube demonetized it. It's very close to a million views. They told me I glorified cannabis. They demonetized it after three weeks and pulled it out of the algorithm. It's still over 900, 000. Get that thing to a million.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

New specials coming out. Lefty Son, check out. No, Live and alive. I mean, Lefty Son's the one you got to go watch. New special coming. Live and alive. Go check out the honeydew. Go check out the way back. I'm really having a great time on that podcast and I can't wait to see you with your brothers. Yeah, we got. That's gonna be a minute. But we just shot like, we shot two 10 hour days of content in that junkyard. I got a ton of episodes, ton of stuff coming, so that's gonna be great. Thank you. Well, it's always good to see you, man. Good. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Thank you.

[Christina P.]

Guys, this is Ryan. We love you.

[Tom Segura]

Bye, guys. You're obviously a smart girl. You're attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You're attracted to me. You're obviously a smart girl. You're attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You're attracted to me. Look, man, you're obviously attracted to me. You're a smart girl. Look, man, you're obviously attracted to me. I'm attracted to you. You're attracted to me. We could do six or eight. You're obviously a smart girl. You're attracted to to me. We could do six or eight. You're obviously attracted to me. We could do six or eight. You'RE obviously a smart girl, you're attracted to me. We could do six or eight. You're obviously attracted to me. We are obviously two catches that have actually come together. We are two catches that have come together. We are two catches that have come together. We are obviously two catches that have actually come together. We are two catches that have come together. We can do six or eight. We could do six or eight. We are obviously two catches that have actually come together. We are two catches that have come together. Literally, the best hidden cap gem in the city. We are obviously two catches that have actually come together. We are two catches that have come together. We can do six or eight. We can do six or eight. We are two cages that have come together. We are two cages that have come together.