Brian Simpson Almost Died | Your Mom's House Ep. 852

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House Ep. 852 – Brian Simpson Almost Died

Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky (Christina P.), Tom Segura (out this episode)
Guest/Co-host: Brian Simpson
Recorded: March 25, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

This episode is a wild, deeply personal, and hilarious ride through the story of comedian Brian Simpson’s recent near-death heart attack, told with both raw honesty and the off-the-wall humor fans expect from Your Mom’s House. Christina guides the conversation through Brian’s medical ordeal, the dark realities of the US healthcare system, the search for meaning after trauma, and the more ridiculous corners of internet and pop culture. The episode wraps in classic YMH style—with viral and absurd internet clips, personal confessions, and savage social observations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Brian Simpson’s Near-Death Experience (03:52–39:14)

• Brian's Heart Attack Story

  • The Build-Up: Brian describes feeling recurring pain days before the heart attack, misattributing it to heartburn/indigestion (04:28). Flew to Atlanta for shows—felt foggy, tired, and “not himself.”
  • The Event: Collapsed at his hotel due to excruciating chest pain and nausea.
  • Hesitation About Seeking Help: Previous experience being laughed at by a nurse for thinking he was having a heart attack; led to hesitancy and self-doubt about seeking medical help (07:07).

• Comedy in Trauma

  • The hosts joke about how in life-threatening pain “decorum goes out the window” and people’s real selves show (09:04).
  • Christina: “That’s called the social self drops—when you’re about to fucking die, when you see the angels coming through.” (09:15)

• The Emergency Response

  • Hotel desk staff panicked; Brian collapsed in front of them, and they called 911 (08:39).
  • Paramedics were competent; could not directly say “you’re having a heart attack” due to regulations, but did “all the right things” (13:43).

• Healthcare System Woes

  • ER frustrations: hospital staff repeatedly asking the same questions, even when info was already given (16:11).
  • Cardiac stent inserted via groin; exhaustion and pain led to Brian “in and out of consciousness” and annoyed at the process (17:35, 17:46).
  • ICU horror stories: relentless, uncomfortable monitoring, sleep deprivation from constant alarms, exposure to infectious patients (19:29–20:24).
  • Surreal “heart-healthy” hospital food: served fried chicken while recovering from a heart attack (22:18).

• Notable Quotes:

  • Brian: “You pay the same price for not having fun as the niggas that’s out here having too much fun.” (38:59)
  • Christina: “You cannot be poor in America when you get sick, you cannot, bro.” (34:20)

2. Prescription & VA Nightmare (28:38–39:14)

• Trying to Get Lifesaving Medication

  • After release on Super Bowl Sunday, pharmacy is nearly closed; insurance and payment confusion at CVS (29:00).
  • Ultimately, personal advocacy and help from a “rule-bending” hospital employee got him enough meds to get home and continue treatment.
  • Prescription transfer, missing meds, and repeated bureaucratic struggles at the VA and CVS; anxiety about survival with every delay (31:45).

• Systemic Critique

  • Christina and Brian vent about the inhumanity, inefficiency, and expense of the US healthcare/pharmacy system.
  • Discussion on why people “choose” debt or dangerous health choices, and how American bankruptcy “shame” is misplaced (33:00–33:59).

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3. Shadow Work and Rebirth After Trauma (34:39–39:14)

• Finding Meaning and Self-Worth

  • Both hosts share how surviving major medical crises (Brian: heart attack; Christina: breast cancer) caused them to reevaluate life and commit to living more intentionally.
  • Brian talks about questioning why he engaged in self-destructive habits and how the experience forced him into “shadow work”—finding the root cause of self-neglect (36:36).

  Brian: “I realized that I wasn’t… I’m not actually afraid to die. What scared me the most was just was living up, like... I want, all I really wanted was for the pain to go away.” (35:58)

  • Christina: “It forces you to look at your shadow, your dark self... It’s very rewarding, but it’s very fucked up.” (35:48)

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4. Viral Internet & Absurd Pop Culture Commentary (39:14–end)

• Gay Porn and OnlyFans Clips

  • Christina shows Brian over-the-top gay porn and OnlyFans “grandma” clips to test his limits. Brian is bewildered, finds it hilarious and “too much without Tom here.” (40:08–41:05)
  • Christina: “This is my favorite scene.” (39:33)

• Justin Timberlake DUI (43:54–47:01)

  • Critique of celebrity entitlement and lack of accountability, especially referencing Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl fallout.
  • Christina: “You feel like he didn’t suffer enough…” (45:55)
  • Brian: “One titty ruined her career and kind of catapulted his.” (46:23)

• White People “Joy Camp” and Adult Play Therapy (55:23–59:46)

  • Christina and Brian “investigate” videos of “adult joy camps.” They mock the all-white “play” therapy scene, asking where the Black people are and why anyone would pay to “practice joy.”
  • Christina: “What is wrong with white people?” (55:23)
  • Brian: “The only dudes you could trust that make mead are the dudes that also make swords—like Vikings.” (58:24)

• Looksmaxxing and Body Modification (51:33–52:42)

  • Brian explains the trend of “looks maxing”—men getting extreme surgeries to improve their looks—a practice women have endured for decades.
  • Christina rants about the brainwashing of “beauty routines,” including fake nails, hair, and body shaping. “You don’t have to do this shit for guys. They’re not worried about this.” (52:08)

• Fart Lady and the N-Word Clip (66:22–72:12)

  • Discussion on viral video where a White woman accidentally says the N-word on air, tries to explain it away, and the messy viral aftermath.
  • Brian: “If you got it loaded in the chamber, that’s you.” (71:17)
  • Christina: “If that’s your reflex, like your unconscious reflex word, then that’s on deck.” (71:24)

• Internet Health Trends: Snorting Urine (73:39–76:38)

  • Christina shows Brian a “healer” who snorts urine to open his pineal gland—Brian loses his mind over the absurdity.
  • Brian: “If you will snort your own piss, that means you also don’t wash your hands.” (76:23)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (by Timestamp)

• [06:47] Brian on pain escalation: “Chest pain is one thing, but chest pain with anything else is an emergency.”
• [13:25] Chewing aspirin misunderstanding: “He hands me the aspirin...‘Did you chew it?’ ‘No, you didn’t say to chew it.’”
• [16:11] Hospital redundancy: “Then five different people asked me all the same questions—people that were standing there…”
• [19:29] ICU misery: “I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that every 15 minutes would squeeze the shit out of my arm…”
• [22:18] Hospital nutrition: “The food they were giving me in the cardiac unit didn’t seem very heart friendly. I had fried chicken one day…”

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Additional Segments

• Healthcare Bureaucracy: Extended stories about VA, CVS, and American bankruptcy culture.
• Body Positivity: Riff on “optical illusions” for fat people and why it’s pointless.
• Tattoos, Spanx, and “Ambushing” Bodies: Christina reveals all TV personalities wear shapewear, talks about body modifications, and extreme tactics people use to look good.
• Joy Makers Camp & Laughter Yoga: Mocked as “nightmares for adults.”
• Bizarre Healing Trends: Ridicule of snorting urine as health practice.
• Racism & Viral Clips: Discussion of social self and the “reflexive” use of slurs.

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Meta/Behind the Scenes

• Christina fills in for Tom and repeatedly plugs both her and Brian’s tour dates, her cosmetics, and lipstick lines.
• Brian plugs his own stand-up and podcast ("BS With Brian Simpson").
• Episode language and tone remain explicit, irreverent, and filled with gallows humor; heavy topics are always undercut by quick wit and wild asides.

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Conclusion

The episode feels equal parts harrowing confession, sharp culture critique, and classic YMH absurdity. Brian Simpson’s candid retelling of surviving a heart attack (and the bureaucratic gauntlet that followed) is both eye-opening and darkly comic. Christina and Brian bond over their trauma and their newfound commitment to self-love—a refreshing theme for a podcast famous for going to the most outrageous places on the internet.

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For further info:

• Brian Simpson’s stand-up and podcast: BrianSimpsonComedy.com
• Christina’s comedy and products: ChristinaPOnline.com

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast.

[B]

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[A]

Being financially savvy.

[B]

Smart move. Another smart move.

[A]

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[B]

What's up, mommies? Thank you for joining us today. Tim is out on official show business, but I've got a pretty great co host today. Please put your hands together for Brian Simpson, everybody.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I love you so much. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for coming here.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

You've. You've had quite a harrowing time and you're here.

[A]

Yeah, I almost died last month.

[B]

Hold on. Let's start the show and I'll do this 24 hour emergency medical response service Watch. You just press this button and speak

[A]

into the air and I'm having chest pain.

[B]

Oh, hold on.

[A]

To your mom's house. Stupid. With Tom. Oh, that was perfect. Whoever put that together needs a raise.

[B]

Listen, before we get into it, I want to plug some dates. Believe it or not, mommy is doing very, very, very limited runs. I'm doing Irving, Texas, punchline April 24th and 25th. And then Denver at the Comedy Vex. Comedy works. Yes, it does. Comedy and Prayer, May 14 through May 16. And then Chicago at the Den Theater tickets at Christina P. Oh, also Bros. I'm doing 4-10-11 at Mothership here in Tejas. So if you're a local, get that shit now. Brian, do you have any shit you want to plug before we go?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm doing Eugene, Oregon, April 10th, 11th. Yeah, Eugene, Oregon, at Olsen's Run Comedy Club. And then the port in Baltimore, Maryland, the April 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then San Jose on the 23rd of California tickets at Brian Simpson Comedy Doc.

[B]

That's the San Jose improv.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, it's the best. Oh, also, buy my lipstick I'm wearing. Cuts you up. The liquid lipstick. Christinap.com for all your lipstick needs. Get the perfect red, the perfect four, my liquid stuff, my cheeks, everything, everything, everything. Okay, but most important,

[A]

I'm having chest. That's never. That's. That's. That's etched into your mom's house lore right now.

[B]

Yeah, that one. That one's an old. An oldie but goodie.

[A]

Touch me through the fence. That's right up there with Touch Me through that.

[B]

So what the, man? You. You've had a near death experience. Like this happened like a month ago.

[A]

Yeah, like, I had a blood clot and it. And it clogged my artery. I had a heart attack in Atlanta. I was on the road, bro. In my hotel by myself, bro.

[B]

Okay, walk me. I haven't asked you the details because I wanted to exploit them on the show.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'd rather make money talking about it in public. And same with you.

[A]

Yeah, I'm right there with you.

[B]

But I did see you in the green room and I'm glad you're back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so fucking okay. So walk me through like every minute of this.

[A]

Yeah, well, in actuality, it's something that. It had been happening before this. So it's like. Like maybe five days before. I thought I just had real bad heartburn or whatever.

[B]

Heartburn?

[A]

Yeah, like. Or indigestion or something. And it just hurt real bad. But then it went away. It lasted like a minute and a half and it went away. So then I went. So I went to sleep and then that was like a Saturday. And then it happened again on Monday. And then Tuesday I flew to Atlanta and then I did a podcast. I did the 85 south podcast. And right before I walked in there to do the pod, like it happened again and I was like, please, no, no, no, no. But then it was fine and. But the first sign that it was something, that something was off was like. Because during that whole thing, I was like, slow. I was like missing jokes. You know what I mean?

[B]

Your brain was foggy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it was just foggy, you know, And. And I. And I slept all day, so it

[B]

was like, oh, right.

[A]

And the same thing. I slept all day the next day, and I slept all day the next day and I still was just exhausted.

[B]

Which is kind of normal when you're on the road to sleep all day. Cause you're up all night and also

[A]

you're trying to get, you know. Cause you. Everybody has different travel habits or whatever. But I like to. I like to stay up all night and catch the early flight and then sleep on the plane or sleep when I get there. So I'm refreshed for the show.

[B]

Right, yeah.

[A]

Anyway, so it isn't abnormal to be tired and not be able to not know why.

[B]

Yeah. Yes, but exactly.

[A]

But. But then I did the show and everything was fine. I did a Thursday show and everything was fine. And then I get back to my hotel and I go to lay down and boom, it happened again. And it was.

[B]

How fast is it? How fast does that boom? Is it like, blah, blah, like, just like a bloop or. It lasts for minutes?

[A]

No, it's like an inner ache. Like a deep ache.

[B]

Like your heart is aching.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

And. And I gave it a minute because it was exactly what was. What had happened, like, a few days before. And for me, every single time, I had just eaten and went to go lay down. So I was like, I have to stop. So that's why I thought it was digestion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I started being like, ah, come on. But then it didn't go away. And then it started getting worse and worse and worse. And then I started feeling nauseous. And that's the thing, is, like, chest pain is one thing, but chest pain with anything else is an emergency.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, if superb.

[B]

It's an actor, it's the best thing. That's that guy's job. I'm having chest. Did you say that? Did you feel like that?

[A]

No, that's what I did. I said that at the front desk. So. My dumb ass. I was like, okay, I'm going to the house. Cause. So here's the thing. I gotta give you some backstory.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Years before, like, I might have been doing the pandemic, I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. And I was. Because I was so young, like, the. The. The. The nurse literally laughed at me. It was a male nurse. He laughed at me.

[B]

Them. Because.

[A]

Male nurse. No, no, no, they are.

[B]

They're weird.

[A]

Or. No, he's. He laughed because he was like, you're not having a heart attack. And they took the. They took the. They took the readings and stuff, and they were like, you're not having a heart attack. It's just. You just indigestion. And they gave me something for, like, acid reflux or something, but he was laughing.

[B]

But they did an ekg.

[A]

Yeah, they did. They did whatever test they do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he laughed. And that made me. That's why I didn't. That's the only reason I didn't go to the hospital. When it happened, when it initially happened. Right.

[B]

Who's this that laughed? I don't know. But this.

[A]

But. But, like.

[B]

Anyway, David.

[A]

So this is probably the first time I've had to go to the emergency room. Not poor.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I'm. So. I'm used to the poor person treatment. So I'm like. So I'm like, let me make sure I take My headphones. Cuz I'm gonna be sitting there hours and hours and hours. So. And then, and, and I, I, I walk out of my room and I forgot my headphones. I get, I get my little satchel and I got all my essentials and all that, but I forgot my headphones and I go to go back in the room and I forgot my key.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I'm like, I know. So I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna go down to the front desk, get a key.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come back up, get in my shit. But I get down.

[B]

Wait, hold on. What you're, you're thinking was I'm gonna go to the hospital myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna drive myself to the ER right now.

[A]

No, no, I'm not gonna drive myself. But I'm like, you're gonna get however I'mma get there. I'mma be waiting a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so, so I go, so I go down to the front desk to get a key, but as soon as I walk in front of these people, I just drop to the floor. Like the pain gets so bad that I can't even stop. Yeah. I'm like. And they like, are you okay? I'm like, no, I'm not okay.

[B]

Did you get to say that really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you say no. N word.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. And because at that point, you know, decorum goes out the window when you in enough pain.

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's why you could really tell how racist. Like, like if I catch you in the middle of a heart attack, I know how you really feel about everybody.

[B]

That is so. Boy, that's called the social. Whatever. The social self drops. Like when you're in labor, when you're about to fucking die, when you see the angels coming through.

[A]

You know this. It's exactly like if you're, if you wearing like an elaborate costume.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you in a lot of pain, you start taking pieces of it off. It's the same thing. You, you take off all the masks. I can't bre. Yeah. So.

[B]

And you've, you've been in the military. Like you've already, you're a tough guy.

[A]

I mean, I guess, I guess. But, but I, I, but, but the guy, the front, that's why he calls me. It's two of them actually. And he calls, he calls the ambulance. And the funny is it was like Three Stooges type of. Because he, they were telling him to tell me stuff, which I probably should just call 911 myself. But they were telling him to tell me stuff and it was like. But he was also, like, panicking, you know, so.

[B]

Oh, because he was freaked out. Yeah, yeah, he was freaked out because

[A]

think about this guy. Think about this. This guy was like, on the night shift at like a Holiday Inn Express, you know what I'm saying? He ain't built for emergencies.

[B]

But can I tell you something, though? And I know you know this, as a military man, most people are not built for emergencies because they're fucking crybaby pussies. Now, if I were there, I would have handled your shit lickety split. Because us Eastern European bitches are built for trauma.

[A]

You know what's so funny?

[B]

What?

[A]

I would love to. I think the funniest thing would be if the next time I have a medical emergency, you're around and you just freak the out.

[B]

Never.

[A]

And they show footage of you freaking out and then cut to you going, I'm Eastern European beach immovable object. Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face. Wild three Sometime regretful. Every std Horrible. I'm gonna you up and amazing stories.

[B]

We just got started.

[A]

I'm gonna stop the terrorists. You're in trouble, Mr. Comedy.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

This gonna be a good night? It's gonna kill us all. Come on. About to be fucked.

[B]

We should be in jail.

[A]

Hey, man, are you okay? I actually do. Well, you don't fucking talk to me, okay? I'm a disciple of the Lord now. You missed the spot. How did I get here? How did this happen?

[B]

That's a good question.

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[A]

No, I.

[B]

So this. This crybaby pussy calls the ambulance and he's like.

[A]

So he calls 91 1. And then the funny thing is they tell him to give me some aspirin.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Right. And then. And then he hands me the aspirin and goes, take this. And I. And I put it in my mouth and. And then. And then I hear him go, oh, he was supposed to chew it. Did you chew it? No. You didn't say to chew it. It's like that. It's like. Was that a key step?

[B]

Yeah. So it dissolves in your mouth. Yeah.

[A]

Right. Because it was just one of those. It was one of those weird, like, ADHD things where it's like, you know. You know, whatever you do, don't cut the blue wire, but you. But while you're cutting it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and they're like, oh, but if you cut it, don't cut the. Don't. Don't put it back together while you're putting it back together. It was that kind of thing.

[B]

That's the worst.

[A]

And she. And no. But then what's so dope is the guy that. The guy that the ambulance gotta. Showed up on the ambulance, he knew exactly what the. He was doing good. You know, he was like, on top. It made me feel so, so much better. And. But he was also training the. Yeah, it was one of them. It was one of the type of situations. And the thing is, they're not allowed to tell you that you're having a heart attack. That.

[B]

Why.

[A]

I think it's like a legal thing

[B]

because they can't diagnose it exactly.

[A]

Like, he's not a doctor, so he can't officially diagnose you. So they got. They gotta. Oh, he knew.

[B]

They all fucking know.

[A]

They knew. He had to. He had to talk around it. He put some nitroglycerin on me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But he did all the right things. And then what? Irritated the fuck out of me. And this is fucked up to be. Because I don't think these hospitals are really set up. They're set up to irritate you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so I get to the hospital, there's probably nine, 10 people all around me.

[B]

Right. Oh. So they really. They Ushered you in.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Code red. Yeah, you were in. Well, that's good. You take something. The secret to the ER is always get in the ambulance. Don't fucking drive yourself.

[A]

Don't go to the.

[B]

And the ambulance is not as expensive as you think. Actually, it's your stay in the er and any machines they hook you up to, when they fix you, that's fine.

[A]

Well, the thing is, I wasn't worried. I wasn't worried about the expense, right, Because. Because the va. So that's the thing. I told him, I told the ambulance, I want to go to the VA hospital.

[B]

Smart. Oh, good, because it's free.

[A]

Yeah, right. And he was like, no, you don't. Oh, I was. This was, this was, this was a coincidence, right? I literally. I had my heart attack right up the street from like one of the top cardiac places in the country, right?

[B]

Praise Allah. He was watching out for you.

[A]

He was like, you do not want to go to the va. Fucking sucks.

[B]

No, God is watching out for you, Brian.

[A]

So I go. So I get to the, to the hospital, but here's the thing. The ambulance guy, he was like, I wish I could because, like, they're not allowed to like, be like, here's my card or whatever, but I wish I could contact this because he literally, he got it. He was the only person that got it. There's like 10, 11 people in. He's waiting for all the people to get into the room so he can just. So he can go, okay. He goes, everybody's here. Okay. Boom. And he goes, you know, we got a. It's a 43 year old male. He. Blah, blah, blah. This was a situation. This is what he was presenting as. These were the readings. This is all these things. He's from this place, he's from that place. All. All the questions you might have, he said it. He waited till everybody got there and said all the information, right? And then he left. And then five different people asked me all the same questions. People that were standing there when he

[B]

said all of that shit.

[A]

And I'm sitting there like, I'm so frustrated, but like, how many times do I gotta say this shit? Yeah, yeah, it was like. It was very. It was like this mix of corporate and care. It was like three or four people cared. And everybody else was just like doing their job.

[B]

Yes. Because you have to fucking answer the same questions every time you go to a doctor. When I had breast cancer, the same fucking thing like that. You fill out the same information every time. And then you get into the room and they're gonna ask you the same fucking 20 questions again. I don't know what that redundancy is.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Is that a HIPAA thing that they can't.

[A]

I don't know. Also, I'm like, motherfucker, can't we. Can't we connect all that shit to this barcode that's on my.

[B]

That's what I was saying.

[A]

Why don't you walk in and scan bitch and then ask me what's missing?

[B]

Literally what I said. I go, can I just carry around a thumb drive, whatever that is, and I hand it to you, and all the shit you need is fucking there, Right?

[A]

Well, I'm like, can't we just pretend like I'm out? Like I'm out. What would you do if whatever was wrong with me made me unf. Unconscious? Yeah, I'm telling you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Some of these people would just walk in and ask your lifeless body the same question. So how old are you again? Where you from? What happened?

[B]

What happened? Yeah, I know.

[A]

I'm like, it's still happening, bitch.

[B]

Can you.

[A]

Can you work on what's happening instead of asking me what happened?

[B]

Did they hook you up to machines at least? Like, were you getting.

[A]

So that's the other part. So that they did. They had to do, like, the emergency thing where they put a stent in, but they go through your groin. So it's not like a surgery surgery, but it's. It's very serious.

[B]

What they go. How do they go through your groin?

[A]

I don't know. I don't. Because I was kind out of it. And the last thing I remember is the doctor being very frustrated with me because I kept moving my hands.

[B]

Oh. Cause you're. Yeah. You want to protect your body.

[A]

Cause I'm like, give me, like. Cause it hurts so bad. And they had already given me three doses of morphine. It wasn't doing nothing. And all I remember is the doctor being like, sir, keep your hands down. And I remember thinking the last. My last thought was, bitch, why don't you tie my hands down? I'm clearly involuntarily or reflexively moving my hands. Why don't you do something about it? Yeah, yeah, like. Because. Because I kept. I was like, in and out of consciousness, and every time I came to consciousness, she was asking me to keep my hands down. Like it was something I was doing. Like, I'm like, if me moving my hands is gonna kill me, I'm dead.

[B]

Restraint. Yeah, I know.

[A]

Anyway, that's all I was thinking. Of course I Don't know what was going on. You know, I saw that lady very briefly. And I also remember. I also remember one of the doctors going. He was like, yeah, my name's Paul, and I'm gonna be with you. Don't worry. I'm with you the whole time. And then. And then I remember. I remember coming to him being like, where the. Is Paul? He said he was. He said he was gonna be here. Yeah. Yeah. And so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. But then. But then after that, it was just. It was like torture. Like, the ICU part was just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was literally, I was hooked up to these. I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that, like, every 15 minutes would squeeze the. Out of my arm, like, squeak to the point where, like, I couldn't sleep. Every. Every time I got comfortable, and if I didn't relax my arms so I could get a good reading, the alarm. The alarm would go off. I was hooked up. I was hooked up to 15 machines that all alarmed unnecessarily at the slightest thing. And. And so that's what I mean. It's like the. The. The up. The. The downside to it was that if you. If you think you're. If you think you're doing something to save someone's life, you can justify any behavior.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had to. I had to negotiate the. To turn the machine down to every half hour instead of every 15 minutes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I know they're constantly. Well, the ICU, they're monitoring you to make sure you don't just die on the spot. But what I find ironic, because I had to spend four days there when they did my breast reconstruction is that they're putting you like, you're the most vulnerable. You are. And guess what? That one fucking nurse that's dealing with you is also dealing with the most sick motherfucker next door. Some contagious shit. So. And this guy is dying, too, of some other disease. So, like, they put the most vulnerable people next to the other sick people that have shit that if you get that, you're dying. Like, I remember when Tom was in the hospital when he broke his arms and legs, they put him next to the COVID unit, Cedars. I'm like, oh, cool. So I get to walk through Covid to see my.

[A]

The person next to me had Covid. Yeah.

[B]

And that's the. You're the most vulnerable one there. You get that?

[A]

I'm pretty sure one of my nurses had Covid.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's not Their fault. This system is stupid. But she comes in and she sanitizes her hands so we know we're good, right?

[A]

Yeah. Or something. No, but. No. I remember one of the. One of the nurses. God, he up. He up, like, trying to get something out of my iv and it came out a little. And he. And it's. And. And he. He's not a phlebotomist, but he tried

[B]

to fix it and like, such a big word, phlebotomist.

[A]

Those are just people that take your blood.

[B]

But that. You knew that, like, nobody knows that.

[A]

Nobody knows what a phlebotomist is.

[B]

Did you guys know what that is? You didn't see? I told you. Everybody's fucking.

[A]

I mean, if you know what a Filipino is, you know what a phlebotomist is, because they're pretty much synonymous.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's so true. I never put that together.

[A]

Yeah, so. So that. So this is what happened. This dude fucked him up. And it got to the point where he went over to the sink and grabbed a paper towel, and I got the wherewithal to be like, that's not sanitary.

[B]

Not as. Right.

[A]

Excuse me, can you go get somebody, please? And. And this Filipino lady who I never saw before or since came in, you know, like, it was. Clock, like, fixed the whole situation. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And. And popped out.

[B]

That's the thing. You get a good one. A good nurse is worth gold. You find that one that's been on that unit for like, 20 years, and she's like, I got you. You're fine. Let me help you. That one is worth gold. And then the fucking one retard.

[A]

Here's what really sucks is all these nurses was fine. All of them was really nines and dimes, really. And I'm in my most vulnerable. My feet crusty, my dick in a bag. And. And just the hottest woman you ever seen is walking in, being like, all right, let me. Let's see what your balls. Okay, check your pulse. And it was just. It just felt extra vulnerable.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

And here's what's so crazy. The food they were giving me in the cardiac unit didn't seem very heart friendly.

[B]

Bro.

[A]

I had fried chicken one day.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

As the meal, I was going to say, I'm like, not even baked rotisserie?

[B]

No, in the heart, you know? I know, bro. When I was in Texas, here for my. All the hospital stays, they're like, do you want to order? I ordered fucking. Yeah. Enchilada with cheese. On the whole plate.

[A]

Like, this is. This is heart healthy brisket.

[B]

But not only that, you can't get up to take a shit. So you're going to pack me full of these calories. How am I going to shit? I'm on opioids.

[A]

I had the hardest time. Here's. Here's the other thing. This was a very high tech place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So instead of like a bed pan or whatever, my dick was in a bag.

[B]

Oh, that's so cool.

[A]

And when you piss in the bag, it like sucks it into the wall.

[B]

They call that the cooter. The cooter vacuum or the cooter cover. I forget what they call it.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like. But I had a hard time. I had a hard time pissing, laying down.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I was just like, I can. When can I stand up? Because they don't want you to stand up because you're on blood thinners and you have a wound from the procedure and they don't want it to bleed, so you can't stand up. So even though I was capable of standing, it's like they don't. They won't let you. But I just. It just. It was just hard for me to go like that. And they were like, do you want. Do you want the catheter?

[B]

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, the catheter's the worst.

[A]

No, I don't want none of that shit. But I was only in it for a few days. I got out on Super Bowl Sunday.

[B]

Wait, so how many. Oh, so you were there Thursday night. You checked in, you were out by Sunday.

[A]

I was on my Sunday.

[B]

And they're also kind of like. They don't. They don't really tell you what to do after I find. No, just like.

[A]

Oh, no, no, exactly. No, this. So that's when the nightmare started.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. So. So before I leave the hospital, right, the doctor goes, they find another clot forming. No, it's something they hope it doesn't happen, but it's normal. Right. Because they just. They basically just, you know, they just put something in your artery that's gonna keep it open.

[B]

So right now you have a stent in there that just keeps the blood flowing.

[A]

Yeah. And it stays in there forever. Like.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It blends into your walls or whatever. I don't know. But while it's healing, it's a possibility of a clot forming is pretty high. So she puts me on this extra medication and the doc. The doctor walks in my room. So this is the thing you're not all. You're almost never talking to the doctor, actual doctor that knows what they're doing. There's a. There's a head doctor and there's a bunch of like. I don't know if these motherfuckers are getting their hours or whatever. Yeah, but. But the head doctor walks into my room and she's like, she's like, I'm gonna put you on this new medication, and you need. If you don't take. Do you want to. She was. She said this where she goes, do you want to. Do you want to shit yourself? Do you want to wipe your own ass? Do you want to be able to wipe your own ass? Like, she's very serious. She's like, normally I don't do this, but I come across the hospital, so you know how fucking serious this is. You have to take this medication. I was like, okay, okay. No. And she hands me the first dose of that. Of that medication. You have to take this. Yeah, okay. Okay. I got you, doc. Don't trip.

[B]

Was she Indian?

[A]

No, she was. She was either African or Jamaican.

[B]

No, that's good too. I trust that because those study harder than anyone. Nigerian woman. Oh, my God.

[A]

Which I don't know if she was

[B]

Nigerian, but one of my doctors was African woman. And I was like, yeah, you better.

[A]

Yeah, but they got. They got zero bedside manner.

[B]

Yeah, it's fine.

[A]

Yeah. It's like you need to be. You need to stay in Africa and be a doctor over there when, like, people want. People don't care. If you mean to them, I would. I would rather have a nice doctor. No, no, no.

[B]

They're gonna lie to you. I'll tell you the nice doctor. They bullshit you. I've had nice doctors who don't tell you straight up, like, hey, dude, you have cancer. Like, I had a nice doctor not tell me I had cancer. And I was like, I can read nonverbal cues. I know you're lying to me. And I said, don't you lie to me again. Don't you lie to me.

[A]

I don't want a doctor to go.

[B]

You tell me you've got the degree. What do I need to do to keep living? This episode is brought to you by Pocket Hose, the world's number one expandable hose. Old fashioned hoses are notorious for getting kinks and creases at the spigot. The copperhead's pocket pivot, on the other hand, swivels a full 360, 60 degrees for full water flow and freedom. And not only is it super light and durable. Your Pocket Hose Copperhead is backed with a 10 year warranty. The brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is a total game changer when it comes to watering. Afterwards, when you're done, it even shrinks itself back down and coils up without the winding or hassle. You'll never catch me watering my yard or washing my cars with a run of the mill hose again. I use the pocket hose. I'm a gardener. I use it in my greenhouse. It's so much better than the traditional pain in the A hose, trust me. For a limited time my listeners can get a free Pocket Pivot and their 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text YMH to 64,000. That's YMH to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase. YMH to to 64,000 messages and data rates may apply. See Terms for details. Spring has sprung and that means shorts and swimsuit season is right around the corner. As the weather warms up, the time to stop letting excuses prevent eating right is now with Factor Meals. A busy schedule doesn't have to stand in the way of you and your summer body. Designed and crafted by dietitians and chefs to be ready in two minutes without the planning and cooking on your plate, Factor caters to your specific dietary needs with their high protein, calorie, smart GLP1 support and now muscle Pro to help aid in strength and recovery. Their meals are always fresh, never frozen and stress free so you can stick to your goals. Lastly, I've been all about their lemon herb chicken and broccoli bowl, especially after I finish my workouts. So delicious and so easy. Really, there's no excuse not to try Factor Meals. Head to factor meals.com ymh50off and use code ymh50off to get 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. Okay, so she, she gives you these pills but you know you got to go to a regular cardiologist now. The ERA trip is not.

[A]

Oh right, right right. So she so, so she, she put, she adds these pills to the stud I'm already, I was already on and she goes, she goes okay, so you're gonna get released this evening, you know, and it's Super Bowl Sunday. And and because it's the weekend, the pharmacy and the hospital is closed.

[B]

Of course. Of course.

[A]

So they give me, they send my prescription to the CVS that's across the street. I get released at 4:45 or something like that. CVS closes at 5:00'.

[B]

Clock. So of course it's the one place that's the most stressful is a, like you just had a heart attack. It's the last place you want to stress.

[A]

Cvs. Oh my God. Yeah, for sure. Especially when they, So I get, I get, I get over there and keep in mind we called the CVS to, to make sure because they have like an automated thing and they're like, yeah, it's in progress or whatever, right. I'm like, perfect. So I get over there and they don't have my fucking meds. And I'm like. And so the guy goes, yeah, we don't, we don't, we don't take your insurance.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

And I go, well, I don't have insurance. I'm self paying, you know, I didn't put down an insurance. So basically what happened is this guy assumed that because I didn't have insurance that I couldn't afford the meds. So he just didn't make them.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I was like, sir, do you have them or not? And then he started telling me how much the most expensive ones cost. He was like, this one, this one's $500.

[B]

Great.

[A]

This one's $700. I was like, I was like, yes sir. Yeah, I don't, I, I still need them.

[B]

I'm going to die if I don't stay again.

[A]

And he goes, come back tomorrow. Just like that. I was like, well, cuz now keep in mind, you a pharmacist, so you know what that mid is for. And you know I can't come back tomorrow. You know, I need it right now. Right. Also keep in mind, I'm fly, I'm trying to fly. I got to fly back to Texas, dude. So lucky for me, someone, someone bent the rules. Someone at the hospital bent the rules, threw me a little dose. Yeah, right. And I want to tell this story, but I don't want to get them in trouble. So I make it back to Texas and the whole next day it's just me trying to get this prescription down through the, through the va, which is a pain in the ass. The va like it's, I always say the VA is a vagina with teeth. It's like all the good stuff's in there somewhere. But you really got to navigate, you know, it's like Indiana Jones. You got to like pick up the, you got to pick up the bag and put down another, you know, it's yeah. So it's a whole pain in the ass trying to get it through the government. So I'm like, it. I use the CVS automated thing. I move the prescription from Georgia to the text to the CVS up the street from me. I go up there to go get it. I stand in line all this time. They hook it all up. They. They give me all the discounts and stuff like that. I get all the meds. It's like 200 for all the meds. Like, yeah, give me that. Get that. I get back, and I have the little list of things I'm supposed to be taking. I'm going through the list. I'm missing two of the meds. No, no, you got to go back. So I go back to the cvs, and I'm like. And this is funny too, because I get there right as they're going to lunch. So they close. They close the pharmacy. So I'm just sitting in there for an hour, ruminating. I still have not taken this, meds that. And all I'm hearing in my head is the doctor going, do you want to wipe your own ass?

[B]

Of course, the panic is inside. You got to give yourself another heart attack just getting the meds.

[A]

So finally. So they come back from lunch, and I tell the lady, I bring the list because when I first went, I didn't have the list. I bring the list of meds. I'm like, I'm missing these two right here. And she goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Comes back, comes to the front. And keep in mind, there's like nine people working at this pharmacy. For some reason, they also have a drive through. So maybe it's a whole thing.

[B]

The drive. Forget the drive through. I don't go through the drive through garbage.

[A]

So. So. But then she goes, well, she tries to apply the discount to these, and it doesn't apply. And these are the most expensive drugs. And she goes, well, you know, she tells me how much they cost. She's like, well, you know, together these are like twelve hundred dollars. I'm like, it's like, okay, yeah. She's like, are you sure? I'm like, yeah. And. And she goes, okay. And she. She puts it in the system, and it goes back to somewhere because, like, she's not a pharmacist, right? So it goes back to the pharmacist. Now the head pharmacist walks up to me, like, the guy that consults with you, and he goes. He goes, you know, these are twelve hundred dollars.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I'm like, yeah, I do. I do. I do, Doc. I do. And it. And so it goes back to the back, where whoever's actually separating the pills and they go, twelve hundred dollars, I hear from about twelve hundred dollars. And it's, like, proliferating through the pharmacy. And I'm like, well, guys, I don't want to spend twelve hundred dollars, but I also don't want to have another heart attack. And I got 1200.

[B]

Yeah, do it. Just get it out. Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's almost like they were talking. Like they were used to people coming up and being like, yeah, what? Twelve hundred dollars did just kill me.

[B]

Yeah, that's how. For sure. And that is how some people talk. I've heard stories of women who. They're like, well, you've got cancer in this breast. Do you want to remove one or both of them? And in my mind, I'm like, take them all. Take my neighbor's tits. Take everybody's fucking tits. I don't want this again. But there's people that go, well, it is a little expensive.

[A]

How much for just half a titty?

[B]

Yeah, like, what the fuck? Are you insane? You don't have a choice. Do it.

[A]

Yeah, you really don't have a choice. Because I'm like. Cause also, here's the thing. Even if I got to go into,

[B]

like, crippling debt, you're gonna fucking.

[A]

Yeah, I'm just not gonna pay it.

[B]

Yeah, that's so true.

[A]

I'm just not gonna pay it. Like, you think. You think I haven't been poor before and in debt before?

[B]

True.

[A]

I'll just. Yeah, you just got to do whatever you. Whatever. Whatever those people have to do.

[B]

That's so true.

[A]

It just means you're gonna have to have roommates and they go co signers or whatever. But you won't have cancer. That's the point.

[B]

Yeah. Because my criminal Indian stepdad, he became a millionaire, and he filed bankruptcy three times in America because you can. You can just start over again. And, like, people are so afraid of the shame of bankruptcy. It's like, now you can rather do that again.

[A]

Yeah, for real.

[B]

I would like.

[A]

I would change my last name to Bankruptcy if it meant I don't have cancer.

[B]

Oh, dude. No. You cannot be poor in America. When you get sick, you cannot, bro.

[A]

It's the worst. But here's the other thing. Even if. Even if you got money, it ain't sweet.

[B]

No.

[A]

If you ain't got no money, it's. It's a. It's a real struggle. It's really like, just die. Just die.

[B]

Just die. I mean,

[A]

but, you know, it's all. It's all working out fine. And the truth is, I feel better than ever. Like, my mind is more clear than it's been in a long time.

[B]

Really. Yeah, I know. Because, like, I think. I mean, look, I haven't really talked about this openly, but since I had cancer, like, I have had a complete reawakening. Like a complete reset spiritually. I like. I don't know. Dude, when you. Oh, God.

[A]

Is that why you're wearing a sticker on your nose?

[B]

Well, this is a new thing I'm into. This is from a surfing accident. I went surfing and the board hit me.

[A]

You went surfing like recently?

[B]

Yeah, last week. I was surfing in Florida and I gotta. Fucking. The board hit me. But that's what I'm saying now. So now I'm 50 and I'm surfing because I don't give a. Because life is short. And not only that, it forces you to look at your shadow, your dark self, the self inside of you that you're so afraid of looking at because it's so painful that it will kill you if you do. And you will. When? If you really go deep down this rabbit hole, Brian Simpson, Which I really hope you do. It's very rewarding, but it's very up. And I know you and I have a lot of trauma.

[A]

Yeah. You know, honestly, the. The epiphany I had was that I realized that I wasn't. I'm not actually afraid to die.

[B]

No, me neither.

[A]

What I would. What I. What scared me the most was just was living up, like. Like. Like I want. All I really. What I really wanted was for the pain to go away, you know, And I was like, oh, like. But you're do. But then it occurred to me where it's like, oh, you. Because I said this to you in agreement. I was like. The question I was faced with was, you know. Cause up to that point I was doing a lot of like, chain smoking. And like, I was literally smoking almost two packs a day and just sedentary lifestyle and just all these things. And what I really had to come to terms with was like, why don't you love yourself enough to not do this?

[B]

This is what I'm. This is the shadow work. This is what I'm talking about.

[A]

Yeah. Where it's like. Where it's like you. You want. Like you're. You're laying here dying and you're not afraid to go. Like, you come to terms with that. That might be what's happening? But if you, if you come back, what are you gonna keep on. Yeah, right.

[B]

What are you gonna do differently? Not you, me. Like, when I came back from, from surgeries and everything, like, my last surgery was just in August, right? Like I finally have tits again. I. I'm. I've got this new lease on life. And I was like, what am I. What are you gonna do, Pajicki? You gonna go back to the same existence?

[A]

So wait a minute, are you saying. So the. So the cancer free didn't feel like the end of it? You didn't feel like. No, they never said you had the titties back.

[B]

Well, because they mutilate your body. So in order for me to get rid of this thing, I had to have multiple surgeries. They give you double mastectomy of radiation. You go through all this, the treatment breaks you down, and then that's done. And then now it's the rebuilding of your body, which has been. I mean. Yeah, and now is the other part of, like, who am I now? I'm a Frankenstein. I'm a. And as a woman, it's tough too, because you're like, what am I if I'm not my breast that I fed my babies with? And who am I? And.

[A]

And, you know, good thing it wasn't like clit cancer.

[B]

I'll tell you what, when I was in radiation, the scariest thing was asshole cancer. There are people that have fucking asshole cancer, and you have to put your ass up on a table there and they radiate your asshole. That's the worst. Anyway, you got a new lease on life. Think about why you poisoned yourself. This is a big thing because we all do it. We all do it. We all do it. And what are we going to do differently from moving forward? Who are you going to be if God gave you this lease on life? You got the next, what, 30, 40 years? What are you going to do?

[A]

No, you know, the real shame of it is because I. Earlier, before the show, you were talking about, did I party yesterday? I was like, I don't party. And that's what really upset me because. Because, because this is what people don't understand is like, I got friends that, you know, they're my age, they in their 40s, and they out here smoking, drinking, fucking, you know, up all night. Like, they in their 20s, and I just be at home reading, gaming, smoking. And I'm like, but I'm paying the same price.

[B]

Yeah, you're not even having fun.

[A]

Yeah, you pay the same price for not having Fun as the niggas that's out here having too much fun.

[B]

I know it's not fair. Then I'll tell you what, Bryn. You're on a new path. Are you gonna do some of this stuff now? You've got a lease on life. She was a fairy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, she was a fairy. Yeah. She was a fairy. Yeah. Yeah, she was a fairy.

[A]

Yeah. I'm the guy in the middle. Oh, my God. What is this?

[B]

What do you mean, what is it? It's the stuff I'm into. Do you know that I'm in the gay black porn now? This is my favorite scene.

[A]

I know you don't want to speak to me after what I said, but, you know, I've been doing some thinking

[B]

and we can work things out.

[A]

Baby. I guess what I'm trying to say is.

[B]

No. I love this apology.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Aw.

[A]

This is where it ends.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

I've been doing some thinking, too. You're the best thing in my world.

[B]

Aw.

[A]

And I want to keep it that way.

[B]

Let's suck it. Yeah. I love you. Oh, it's so romantic.

[A]

Why is it so uncomfortable?

[B]

What do you mean? What's uncomfortable?

[A]

I think it's a bad acting. I don't believe I'm not there with you. I don't believe it.

[B]

You don't believe that he. They really worked things through. No, but they look like twinsies. They've got matching nipple rings, matching earrings, matching bods. This basically the same dude. Look how narcissistic that relationship is. It's the guy himself, basically. Basically. Would you want to yourself?

[A]

Wait a minute. Why do you think they. I didn't see. No, I think you're projecting.

[B]

Oh, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Maybe this will change your mind.

[A]

Yeah. How much? I charge 200 will do anything you want. Anything? Anything. Y' all kiss.

[B]

Is that gay enough for you, Brett?

[A]

You know what I think?

[B]

Is that gay enough? Watch. Oh, that's sweet.

[A]

Oh, buddy, that's a good way to get mono right there.

[B]

Look at his little tiny tee.

[A]

You know what I've realized right now is that I don't think I should do this podcast without Tom here. This was a huge mistake. This is a huge mistake.

[B]

You think he wouldn't show you that stuff?

[A]

I mean, I've done. I've done YMH like seven times. I've never seen no gay.

[B]

Okay, all right.

[A]

I've never. I've never seen muscle bound, black, gay or any.

[B]

Any. We've been playing it for any. He's Always collecting clips. So.

[A]

Yeah. N. See you haven't been here in a while. Change. Like imagine. Imagine your girl finding this folder on your computer. She's like indie. What the is. It's for my work.

[B]

I know. I. I love it. Okay, well. Okay. You want something hetero? I got it. I got it. Hold on. Tom. You deserve spanking

[A]

wood.

[B]

What do you think? Smash or pass?

[A]

Smash for sure.

[B]

Yo, do we. Can we bring up some more of her?

[A]

Yeah, this is. This is like. This is. This is Betty the Gray. Like Gandalf before he went to hell. This is Betty White before she. Before she defeated the Balrog or whatever.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Dude, listen, this chick is so fired up. I think she has an only fans too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, she's really cool. I actually really admire her. She's good looking. She's got her shit together. Did you find her Niana?

[A]

Is that a spoon or a spatula?

[B]

I think it's a spatula. Have you been. Would you. So you would do an old person?

[A]

I think so, yeah.

[B]

There she is. Linda. Hope. Hope Insta. There she is. Let's play another one for Brian. Let's get it.

[A]

Undo that diaper with one hand. Look at that.

[B]

Yeah, do the leash.

[A]

Go back up.

[B]

Oh, do the tongue one down there.

[A]

Why is that man on a leaf?

[B]

My neck, my back.

[A]

Yes, ma'. Am. Yes, ma'. Am.

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am. Yes. My neck, my back. Okay, go down to the mouth. That. This one's my favorite. No, no, just watch. Look. Yes, I'm on that website.

[A]

Oh, that's not appealing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

She lost me.

[B]

What do you mean this doesn't turn you on?

[A]

You lost me, Miss Linda. Oh, God.

[B]

That could be you, bro. Brian, she's telling you what she likes. You're her type, bro.

[A]

I don't care if this also. See, the thing is. That's not even that impressive.

[B]

No, that's what I was gonna say. That's half a banana, right?

[A]

Like, what? That's not. You ain't breaking no world records or nothing.

[B]

No, she's not the throat goat.

[A]

She. No, she put like a Burt's Bees tube in her throat. Like that's appealing, I know.

[B]

No, she's posery. Yeah, whatever. Okay, I guess you're not gonna go there. Have you seen Justin Timberlake's Arrest?

[A]

I have not. Okay, so I don't pay enough attention to celebrities.

[B]

And I know it's usually I'm not very interested, but I did. I was very taken with this. So, first of all, this was taken from a Body cam of his dui, or they call him DWI arrest. And it's so humiliating. Okay, are you ready? Here it is.

[A]

I don't want to say that because, I mean, would you be interested? So for us to be wi.

[B]

He's so red. I appreciate that you understand that we

[A]

got to do it.

[B]

I appreciate you boys for doing your job.

[A]

I have one martini and I follow one. Friends, you have more than one martini Job.

[B]

Okay, here's the best part. Ready? White. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, man.

[A]

See, so you're being held for the night and then in the mornings, the uranium. So in the morning, usually around 9:30 all night? Yeah, dude, it might not be this one. You might be over at the other one and they actually have blankets for you. Wow, man.

[B]

Well,

[A]

yeah, he was very shocked. White was very shocking.

[B]

White.

[A]

I'm just kidding.

[B]

Because here's the thing. I can't. I can't decide if I. If I love him or hate him. Because you can tell he's doing the celebrity thing of like, oh, my God, I have to be in the style. This is not so slay. Gross. I can't believe. Like. Yeah, but you almost fucking killed people having a dwi. You drove drunk. Clearly.

[A]

Okay, I'll say this. I already hated him so much.

[B]

Why?

[A]

That I, like. Now I just hate him less.

[B]

Why do you hate him so much?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Because he's a cutie patootie.

[A]

That might. That might be part of it. Yeah. He's a cutie patootie. Probably. He. He didn't have a heart attack.

[B]

He didn't have a heart attack. You feel like he didn't suffer enough, but he was in show business from the time he was little.

[A]

You're right. Because you know what it is? Because I give Justin Bieber a lot of leeway because he was a little

[B]

kid and he was.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But. But I think I feel like allegedly Timberlake always irritated me because I feel like he didn't suffer enough for the Janet Jackson thing.

[B]

You think, Jan? I think Janet got all the heat on that.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

He didn't. One titty ruined her career and kind of catapulted his. And then when he came back and did the super bowl, he throw her. No cameo or nothing. You know what I mean?

[B]

Well, now I hate him.

[A]

So I always feel some kind of way. And maybe he couldn't have, but I always felt some kind of way about that where it was like, he could have.

[B]

You think he could have you can do whatever the. You want in this life. When you're that famous, you can make happen.

[A]

Yeah. So I just. I don't know. I just. And that was trash. It was like he was like. He had tried to pivot to, like, being kind of a country man in the woods. Country?

[B]

Oh, yeah. They all do country albums now.

[A]

Everybody like to dabble in black, and then when they get popular, they like to go country.

[B]

So true.

[A]

I don't like that shit. But this irritated. This. But this. This made him a little more endearing. Because here's the thing. They still people. So I don't. So my hatred is. It's. It's in my spirit. Like, I ain't never met this.

[B]

You know what's so funny? I was listening to reggae music in a restaurant, and it was while you

[A]

were surfing, same trip.

[B]

Yeah. And I was listening to, like, Sister Nancy came on Bum bum. What? The bomb. Bomb.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Bom bom beano. And you're like, wow, that's. That's, like pure energy, man. Like, she's so talented. And then I heard a reggae version of Dave Brubeck's Take Five. Do you know what that is? It's a jazz song. Okay. But the point of the story is the black version was so much better. And you're like, wait a minute.

[A]

It might have been the original.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I'm saying, Brian, is that you guys do it first and you do it cooler, and then we just ruin you. Ruin.

[A]

I just imagine you having it. Having this epiphany and then. And then your surfboard smacking you in the face.

[B]

That's exactly what happened.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's good. Do you. Do you get mad that we steal all your stuff and suck ify it?

[A]

No, I'm just used to it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, it's only. Yeah. If we do something dope. It's just a countdown to, like, when somebody take it.

[B]

That's so true.

[A]

Yeah. Like, Elvis is the king of rock and roll. I'm like, okay. I guess.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Fuck her.

[A]

Yeah. Except, you know, like, I look. That's why I fuck with Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton.

[B]

I fuck with Dolly.

[A]

Yeah. Dolly gave. Dolly gave a lot of shit. You know, she might be the only person where it's like, a lot of stuff just got took from her.

[B]

Yeah. She. She wrote. Yes. Because then she writes songs other people covered. And. And she's. But she's real country. I mean, she came from.

[A]

She country Poverty.

[B]

Yeah. Which I think is essential. You need to come from trauma and poverty. Yes. Oh, yeah. Dolly's still kicking. I saw her at Atlanta Airport, actually, a few years ago, walking through, full makeup.

[A]

She's still performing.

[B]

I don't know. Look her up. God bless, darling. She's the best. She makes good cake mix, too, if you ever had her frosting. And her. You shouldn't be eating that stuff. There she is. She's still around. She's still doing shows. She's doing the casinos.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Damn, dude.

[A]

I remember she was famous for her titties fame.

[B]

And those are big naturals. So this is back in the 60s, the 70s. Those are her real tits.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Go back to early Dolly. I'm telling you, She's a country girl. She's got. She's got big milkers. She's got a breeding body. I'm telling you. We all do. Us trash people. Like, when you come from a poor trash culture, you're made to breed. That's her body. Look at those tits. Those are real. Google, are Dolly Parton's tits real? They were at one point. Maybe the first iteration. Yeah, of course, dude, you don't have big milkers like that. Implants. What? She got them in 1967. They were doing implants in 67.

[A]

Damn. You never thought you would come to your mom's house to give misinformation.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Here we go. You done join? You done join?

[B]

I'm shocked. And how did they even. What did they put in. In your body in 1967? What would they put in there?

[A]

They probably just put, like, black children.

[B]

Black kids.

[A]

No, it's probably like, silicone still or, like, experimental. So dangerous augmentation was performed in nineteen oh. 1895. Oh, the first. No, no, no. But what do they. What was it made of? 1895 was the first titty implants.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

See, that's how important it says silicones in the 40s. Yeah, but what did they use in 1895? Oh, using a patient's own fatty tumor.

[B]

That's what they used my belly fat to make my tits.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Called the deep flap. D I E P flap. And I highly recommend if anybody has a double mastectomy, you want to do it? It's really a good procedure.

[A]

So there's no silicone in your titties?

[B]

No, I did not want that.

[A]

It took fat from your belly.

[B]

Yes. And thankfully there was plenty. So they made. They built some good tits.

[A]

You know what's crazy, though? It says 1895. They did the whatever, the back fat and the tumor. And then in the early 20th century, they used glass balls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ivory.

[B]

You know, that's what I'm saying. Wood. How they go back ground rubber. They'll just shit. They'll put anything in your body to look hot. It's really fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's what. That's why. That's what's so crazy about. You heard of this cavicular guy. It's called, like, looks maxing. You seen these people?

[B]

I've heard of retard maxing.

[A]

Looks maxing is like these. These dudes are now like, you know, breaking their bones in their face and like, doing all these things to like, look the best.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

And. And it's basically just what women have been doing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Forever. Like just. Just doing all this crazy hurting yourself torture to their bodies so they can look the best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And it's called look smacking. And they're like, they're talking about it like some kind of. Like some kind of urgent.

[B]

I know.

[A]

To stop. It's like, I think that's just what.

[B]

That's what chicks have been doing. I saw this clip of. Of these two podcasting girls. I don't even know who they are. And they're like, oh, my God. It's just so brave. Like, I forget what celebrity. Like a Kylie Jenner. She's like, oh, my God. She said that she stopped getting her nails done and she's like going natural. That is so brave. And I'm like, you know how brainwashed you have to be in the Matrix to be like, I gotta go put fake nails on my real nails. I gotta keep doing this horseshit. Like, for. For who Guys will still. You don't worry about it. They're not worried about this.

[A]

Yeah, but you know what? But the line is different for everybody. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

That's true. But the guy that I'd be interested in is. This is not the deal breaker.

[A]

Boil your.

[B]

Boil your.

[A]

That's the new. That's the new trend.

[B]

Put rubber in your breasts. Do whatever you must.

[A]

Steam your snatch.

[B]

Steam your snatch. As you know, Brian Simpson, I like to. I like to highlight the marginalized communities of TikTok. Are you ready?

[A]

That is what you're known for.

[B]

Dude, I found some fucking straight up bangers for you, please. I can't wait, bro.

[A]

Hit me.

[B]

If you video call me one more time, dude. Offer another number on WhatsApp and show me your weenie. I don't want to see Your. Yeah, put it away. Yeah, dummy.

[A]

Damn, she must be being bombarded.

[B]

I know.

[A]

With dick pics.

[B]

I know. Niana, are you bombarded with dick pics? No.

[A]

Oh. Oh. Is this you?

[B]

No. No.

[A]

Oh, I'm going to say. Damn. She be doing the out her makeup. She uses this shit.

[B]

That's right. Christina P. Cosmetics.

[A]

You look like a completely different person.

[B]

Look like a different lady. Attract the life of your dreams. Confidence. You can have it with makeup.

[A]

If you send me one more like. She was so upset by the dick pics. She didn't put her teeth in before she did the video. I know. If I get one more dick.

[B]

And also, don't you find that what you push away persists?

[A]

Her tattoo's smooth, though.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I like those roses.

[A]

You know she didn't do that.

[B]

No.

[A]

Like, nobody from her community did that. No.

[B]

That's what I thought.

[A]

No, that's somebody. That's somebody with a steady hand. That joint.

[B]

Do you have tattoos? A couple, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I probably shouldn't have any, but yeah.

[B]

Who gives a shit? You're not gonna die anyway. We're all gonna get the fucking tattoos. Who cares? All right, here's. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion full of joy makers. People who practice joy instead of escaping from their lives. Fucking losers. No small talk. No pretending you're happy. Here's how you'll live differently at the only sober adult summer camp. You'll mess up publicly and get cheered instead of judged. You'll play and laugh like no one is watching. You'll try laughter yoga, even though your ego hates it. You'll remember how to connect without a scream or drink. You'll make eye contact, hug and listen in ways that actually give you energy. Comment joymaker if you want to take back the reins and ignite joy everywhere you go. God. Dude, what is wrong with white people?

[A]

You know the first thing I noticed about this?

[B]

Yeah, they're all white.

[A]

It was no black people. Yeah. I was waiting. I was like, at least. Cause usually there's a token somewhere in the background. There's no black people. No, because you. Because. And I bet you black people have showed up, right? And you. You walking in and go, there's a lot going on in here. You know what I mean?

[B]

What part?

[A]

A lot going on in here.

[B]

What do you hate the most?

[A]

This gives me the same vibes as, you know, those videos. This is another white only thing of people.

[B]

Like, I love it.

[A]

They go into the woods and scream at the trees.

[B]

Yeah. They get their rate, their primal Rage.

[A]

This is that she like. We practicing Joy. No, we practice. Enjoy. Don't y' all have jobs?

[B]

No. Or kids.

[A]

This is why regular people can't do this, because we got. You gotta be at work. Who the fuck got time for adult summer camp?

[B]

Off right. Off, right?

[A]

Adults don't get the summer off. Yeah. All of these people. Your husbands are paying for this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You don't have to. Who has a summer off to go to camp? Think about. Think about how crazy that is.

[B]

Stupid people.

[A]

Yeah. People gotta work. Adult summer camp. Come on, get.

[B]

Also, if you have kids, you are forced to play all the time, and it is torture. So when you're a real adult and you have an adult life with children that you are forced to be joyful with, you know. You know what I like doing the most? Nothing. Sitting, staring, quiet.

[A]

And that one grown man that was in there.

[B]

There's a man.

[A]

Shame on you, sir. Yeah, there was an Asian man with a bald head.

[B]

Asian.

[A]

Yeah. Run that back.

[B]

He should be working.

[A]

Go to the part where they. Where they don't. Where they doing jazz hands.

[B]

Oh, jazz hands.

[A]

Yeah. He's the one that. He's the one that did the front flip when they were like, no.

[B]

Oh, that. You're asking me to do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm such a. I was like, yeah, do it, guys.

[A]

She's like, no one's judging, you idiot.

[B]

Full of joy makers. Ah, joy makers. Fat white chicks instead of escaping from their lives.

[A]

Look, there you go, right there. What the hell? There's two of them.

[B]

Wait, there's two.

[A]

Yeah, it's two Asian dudes right in the front, stupid.

[B]

I don't know how to do.

[A]

Actually. I can't tell them.

[B]

Okay, let's see these idiots. Full of joy makers. A mansion. Practice joy. Instead of escaping from their lives.

[A]

It's right. Right here. See that man right there? Yeah. And then. And then keep going. They get to the point where they. When they talk about how you're not being judged, he does a little. He does a little. A little somersault. Oh, there's another dude right there. The white dude in the back.

[B]

Well, that's par for the course, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

White guys with long hair do these things to get laid. The Asian guy is the anomaly because he just should have money and success to get laid.

[A]

Whenever I meet a white dude, it's like. He's like. He. He, like, making kombucha in the house and shit. I'm like, you a dude? Of course it's gonna come out. It's A matter of time.

[B]

I don't trust the male feminist at all. They're scumbags, dude.

[A]

Anybody that's like. If you like making. If you like maintaining mead recipes and shit like that. You. Not you. Not on the up and up.

[B]

Of course. You're pretending to be sensitive and feminine and all this just to get into girls pants. It's a racket.

[A]

The only dudes you could trust that make me are the dudes that also make swords. Like.

[B]

Like Vikings.

[A]

Yeah, like. Like blacksmiths. Like, yeah, they all in on the medieval. Yeah, but these dudes. Nah, I'm not with it.

[B]

I'm not with it.

[A]

These. Walnut, acorn.

[B]

Yeah, Get.

[A]

No, but this Asian guy. What are you doing in there, sir? Keep. Keep going. He does it. He does a somersault.

[B]

Shut the up. Imagine spending a weekend in a mansion with a nightmare. I kill myself.

[A]

Joy makers.

[B]

Joy makers escaping from their lives. No doom scrolling, no small talk. No pretending you're happy. Here's how you'll live.

[A]

Look at this. Look at him. Only sober dude in the blue shirt, this guy. What are you doing, sir?

[B]

Oh no. And he's got the black socks on too. Take your socks off at least if you're gonna get on the kids. Matt, you idiot. You just heard his back too. You'll play and laugh like you have children because you're supposed to be an adult and have children.

[A]

Yeah, bro, that's just.

[B]

You don't get to stay the kid forever, you dummy.

[A]

That's a room full of unwieldy bushes right there.

[B]

Oh, for sure. It smells like. Like patchouli and juice and ball sweat. You'll try laughter yoga. Even though your ego hates it. Even though you're ego. Remember how to connect with.

[A]

Yeah, that room smell like a used Subaru.

[B]

Hug and listen in ways that actually give you energy. Oh my God. They gave me so much anxiety. Could you imagine having to make eye contact and hug and actively listen to a stranger?

[A]

I can. I can. Like the stranger's the hard part. Yeah, I can make eyes like. I hug people, but I. But not if I don't mean.

[B]

And I don't fucking know you, bro. And we're doing cartwheels together without any alcohol on a retreat. Sounds like a nightmare. All right, fuck this. Let's go to the next thing. Anyway, I'm fit. I'm gonna be 50 this year. I'm gonna go for my facelift. What do you think?

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. Wait, is this looks great. Can we. Do we get to see. Do we get to see like two weeks later.

[B]

Oh, it's just the before.

[A]

Oh, that's before.

[B]

That's all you get is the before. And that's just right after.

[A]

Oh, my God. God.

[B]

It's nice and tight. It's real tight. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, she's. See?

[B]

All gone. All gone. What do you think, Brian?

[A]

This is why every time. Every time I'm in a room with. With. With.

[B]

All right, she looks about.

[A]

She trying to cry.

[B]

Of course. Could you imagine? You'd go to Russia or Turkey or wherever this is. You sign up for the facelift and you come out of surgery and you've got.

[A]

And you look exactly the same.

[B]

Well, all. All your face is just plastered on and re stitched. This is a nightmare. This is not.

[A]

This is crazy.

[B]

She's got drains and everything.

[A]

I was gonna say, this is. This is why every time, every time. Whenever a doctor comes in a room and he goes, just so you know, I got a student with me. Is it okay if they watch? I said, hell no. Get them the fuck out of here. Ain't nobody practicing them as soon as I put to sleep. You gonna let this bitch practice?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Can I tell you, one time, I let my gynecologist bring in a student to watch my pap smear, bro. And I was like, yeah, sure, why not? And this is post two babies, so my shit's just blasted already. You should have seen the look on this girl's face when she saw my fucking cooch getting opened up.

[A]

She was like, I always say. I always say no. I always say no. No. The va I had an appointment with the VA pharmacist because they got to explain what all the medicines were. She was like, oh, just see? But it was a zoom thing. She was like. Just so you know, there's a student on the call. Is that okay? No, no. And it's not even affecting me. Like, she really probably need to learn these medicines. I don't give a. Yeah, let them practice on somebody else.

[B]

Some other poor sucker.

[A]

No, get him out the room. Get them out of here.

[B]

All right, here we go. What about this?

[A]

This guy's mad because this guy has Hitler tattoos. Hitler tattoos? Oh, wow. And this guy's a Jew, looks like. And he's really angry.

[B]

Well, yeah.

[A]

What?

[B]

I mean, look.

[A]

Oh, look, that juice dude. Ready to throw hands?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That is so offensive. Put a goddamn shirt off before I get security up here. Let's do something. Please call. Yeah. Oh, how can I do that? I want him out of my set. Oh, I thought they were at the airport. I was like, why you don't got your shoes on, sir? That's. They had a pool.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, at first I was like, all right, it's one thing to have the swastika back tattoos, but do you gotta flaunt them at the airport?

[A]

No, they're not at the airport. They at the pool.

[B]

So then it's kind of a gray area. Like, I can have swastika tattoos. Can he.

[A]

I mean, what's the biggest. And listen, I understand him being offended by the swastika tattoos, but also, sir, it's like, why do you have your shirt on at the pool? Are you. Because I feel like he's going to get in the pool with his shirt on.

[B]

Oh, this guy.

[A]

And I feel like that's just as offensive. Yeah.

[B]

You're at the pool. That's a fact.

[A]

I imagine you're policing people's bodies at the pool.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's like, yeah, I get it. Like, why are you out here? I mean, how. You know what he going through? He might be ready to get those removed. He too poor for the laser stuff. But you're. You have your. You are violating.

[B]

You made a choice to pour that shirt. Yeah, that's a good point. But that's a fact. Guy move, they think that we can't see. You know what I learned in my older years is that you're gonna be fat no matter what you wear to the beach. So you may as well wear, like, the bikini. Who cares?

[A]

Yeah. And the thing is, you're not hiding a lot of fat people from our generation, they. We depend on optical illusions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the thing is that shit's. Them shits only work from certain angles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Because it's like. It's like, bro, it's like, yeah, that girl's not gonna fuck you because of which way your stripes are. She's either into you or she's not. You know what I'm saying? Like, so we have all these optical illusions where if you stand this way, if you're holding your stomach, if you move your hips, it's like. But you still fat. And eventually it's gonna come out to whoever you're.

[B]

Well, you're gonna get naked with them.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You may as well lead with it.

[A]

I don't know. It's like the whole. The. The ambush that's over with. The body ambush.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Remember that when chicks were gaining, like, Victoria's Secret bras with the padding in it?

[A]

The padding now they got. They got. I don't know what it is even. Is it because of the. I don't know if it's because of the carbon fiber, but now they got that. They got pants for girls. You've seen.

[B]

Oh, that makes them have butts and stuff.

[A]

Yeah. Have you seen these ads with the Asian ladies? And they pull up these pants and it'll be like a obese woman and she pulls up these pants and she has a completely flat stomach and ass.

[B]

Yeah, that was me. That was me before my. My.

[A]

Like, like shaping. Shaping shapewear.

[B]

Yeah, it's called Spanx, dude. Like, they crush and they'll flatten you out, but you're still fat. It's just putting you in a sausage casing. It just redistributes the fat.

[A]

Don't that do something to your organs?

[B]

Of course it does. It's so painful. I used to take them. I'd wear them to weddings. Spanx under my dress. And then I take the Spanx off and throw them under the table by the end of the night. Because I wanted to eat. I wanted to live.

[A]

I feel, like, terrible. Did you ever have to get cut out of one of them things?

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Every woman has.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Especially in showbiz when you're filming stuff like they put you in that sausage casing, and then you put your clothes on over, and you look so good. It just makes you look smoother. But it's painful. It's terrible. Everything you ever see of. Of me on any TV thing or whatever, I'm wearing that sausage. Yeah. This is new information.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to get on this.

[A]

It's going to. Then they. In this whole time, you could have had that in your titties. You could have took that fat.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You could have took six months off.

[B]

Could have, would have, should have. All right. Okay. Did you hear? Where's the original clip of the Fart Lady? I can play it on my computer. Would you please? Oh, my God. Have you seen this lady?

[A]

I'm so. I'd be so out of the loop.

[B]

Okay, well, that's why you're here. I'm bringing you up to date on current events.

[A]

The Fart lady, though. Oh, I know this last one.

[B]

Oh, fart that. I just said. Nick, you gotta. You gotta. Can you kill that? My life.

[A]

Hold on. What do you say to her?

[B]

He's like, no, we can't. Why can't they kill the clip? Of course they can kill the clip.

[A]

Because they thought they wanted attention.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

No I've not. I did. I did see this clip. I didn't see that part of her being like, can we cut that out? He's like, no, he.

[B]

Whoever the editor is, hates her.

[A]

Nick fuck with you. No, I think they all wanted to post that shit because ain't no way I would have let that. There's no way I would have let that leave the house.

[B]

No, I would.

[A]

I would. I would have left his ass in that wall we was putting up.

[B]

Hell, yeah, I did, because.

[A]

But I saw her. She went on. I think she went on the Breakfast Club to, like, explain herself.

[B]

She did.

[A]

Oh, you have that.

[B]

I don't have a rhyme or reason of the words that I make up. Like, I say. I say nonsense stuff all the time. I mean, and again, like, even, like, I edit my shows, right? And I'll be editing my shows, and I'll be like, just finish. What the. You're saying. Because I go off on like this and that, and I'm off the cuff. I'm not scripted.

[A]

So were you trying to say something else in that moment?

[B]

Absolutely. Did you say fart digger and fart knocker? I say all I do. I did. And I do. I apologize.

[A]

The camera's right there.

[B]

Yes, I do. And to everyone out there, just Charlemagne. So you're aware that is a word that I do not condone. So the people out there that do not use me as an example, right? That's. That's where I've been coming out against people saying, hey, just because I said it, I made a mistake. I know I made a mistake. You watch that footage. Even the edited, you know that I am like, ugh. So, no, don't use me as your poster child for that.

[A]

And I don't want you to think, yeah, coming on the Breakfast Club is just going to rehabilitate your image.

[B]

Absolutely not.

[A]

In fact, somebody going, that's the fart. Man. She might have been better off just saying it again right now, like, on the show. Double down, pivot to the right to a right wing podcast.

[B]

Go talk to someone else. I know. It's so. It's so tricky because, like, yes, you've made the mistake. Do you apologize?

[A]

I mean, you. You just listen. You apologize if it's sincere. But going on a Breakfast Club, that. That is the modern equivalent of like. Of like, bringing in Al Sharpton and apologizing or, like, apologizing to Oprah or somebody. You know what I mean? Where it's like, this isn't the. It's exactly what he explained to Her. It's like you coming on the Breakfast Club isn't like. It's not like you came to the N Council and now they've all, now, now they've all voted that you could. That you good. You know, it's like people gonna feel how they want to feel. You know what I mean? I feel like this was a bad move. I don't know who her PR team is. It's probably the same dude that told her he couldn't delete the footage was like, you know what you should do? You should go on Breakfast Club.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what's ironic is she says I edit all my shows. So if you're editing them, how the did that get. Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Like, right. Why did you put that out?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did she expect. Now I can now feel like I gotta go watch the whole.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Does she explain why that, why did it come out?

[B]

How did it come out? I think it got leaked.

[A]

Someone don't like it got leaked by the dude that told her he couldn't delete it. Probably. That dude got to be off the table. I wanna, I wanna see an interview

[B]

with him so bad. Do you think he's black? He's definitely.

[A]

No, he's not black. No. No.

[B]

You don't think so?

[A]

Well, let's hear him. Let's. Can you play her clip again?

[B]

What if she says it all the time and he's like, that's it. I'm releasing this clip.

[A]

I mean, see, the thing is what irritates me about, about people like, this is like you said it as a reflex. That means you be having. You have it in the chamber.

[B]

That's what Annie.

[A]

Yeah. You can't, you can't because this, this is, this has happened recently in my personal life where I was in a. I was in a discord with a longtime friend of mine and his like brother in law or something like that was in there and he didn't know I was in there. I had just popped in to say what's up? To my friends. Like, these are like my old military buddies. We. We game sometimes together and it's going and something. They're in a game, they're playing some game together and something happens and he, he just go fuck. And he just says it like, like as a reflex. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, it's like if you got it loaded in the chamber. Yeah, that, that's, that's you.

[B]

I tend to agree because if that's your reflex, like your unconscious Reflex word. Then that's on deck.

[A]

Okay, but you know what, though?

[B]

But I don't know, maybe she genuinely.

[A]

Here's the only exception I will give. Right? Because this is also true. Sometimes your negative self talk. It. It is. It's you repeating what your most, like, abusive parent would say to you.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Like when you made mistakes. Like when you make a mistake and you go, you dumbass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like that's what your mom or your dad or whoever was abusive, you would have said. And so if your parent. If your mama used to call you a fart whenever you made a mistake, and. And now it's just built into your psyche.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

That when you get frustrated, you go fart. Now, that would. I would have let it slide if that was her expectation.

[B]

And you know what, Brian? I hope that that is the story.

[A]

I hope that.

[B]

I think you just did it. Thank you so much for explaining.

[A]

That's what we doing. We solving problems out here at ymh.

[B]

Guys, here's some more white people. People, Black and indigenous people of color, Puerto Ricans. Everybody loves it. Can you imagine? This is going to be me in 10 years, bro.

[A]

This is cr. This is.

[B]

I'm already there.

[A]

This is just. This is everybody that was ever in. In Edward Sharper, the Magnetic Zeros. This is what happens when they kick you out the band.

[B]

I think these are just people that were into, like, theater in high school. Like, you know those dorks back then, and now they're like, no, I go to these dance circles.

[A]

You know that. You know that era of music during the. During the 2000s, where it was just. Where it was white people going, hey. Stomping and clapping.

[B]

Well, Jamiroquai.

[A]

Yeah. These are. These are all the people that used to go, hey,

[B]

I know what you're saying. This is like Paul Simon's Graceland album.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, guys, come on.

[A]

What is this supposed to be?

[B]

Black people been stomping and clapping for years.

[A]

Is this. Is this not the. Is this the joy camp still?

[B]

Yeah. It's like another so bad. Kill me. I can't. I don't want it. Okay. I want to leave you on something.

[A]

Is it. This is like rhythm training.

[B]

I know, it's terrible. I'm gonna leave you with something really positive. I want you to take care of yourself from now on.

[A]

Okay? Here we go.

[B]

Okay. I want you to start doing this.

[A]

Double snorting up urine through the nose, unblocking pineal gland, psychic vision, and so on and so forth. This whole area here oh, sir, sir. Oh my God. Yeah, like two times.

[B]

Like two times.

[A]

Or three times.

[B]

Or three times.

[A]

Do it once. Like.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Quick. Double, triple, one, double. Watch.

[B]

You know you gotta do it like that.

[A]

Cocaine. A little bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Different.

[B]

Yes, I know. Dude, that doesn't burn.

[A]

See, this is why we need a higher inheritance tax. You do this type of. When you got a trust fund cooking. When you don't got to worry about stuff. But organic. Organic, sir. Natural urine.

[B]

But you don't want to.

[A]

Oh, my urine. Organic stuff. The organic mdma, the organic cocaine.

[B]

How do people get obsessed with their piss? Like, when does this. You're like, you know what? This is medicinal.

[A]

You know what's funny is. And I, I've had friends. Like when I, when I lived in Hollywood, I've had a couple of friends. You know, they get under the grips of some guru.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's just a matter of time before they start drinking piss.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And that's when you know, they gone. You lost them at that point. They done signed over everything. They don't have a car, they don't have a house. They gave up their cool. They gave up their rent controlled apartment so they could go drink piss in

[B]

the woods and open their pineal gland.

[A]

This is right before motherfuckers start living in a tree house.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I could see myself going here.

[A]

This dude, I guarantee you this dude is living in a tree.

[B]

Dude, I live in a tree. Like, I could go here so fucking quickly. I swear I'm insane.

[A]

Even if you had to sniff your piss to stay there.

[B]

Yeah, I could see myself because I like meditate a lot, Brian. Like, I'm telling you, I'm into the aliens.

[A]

I'm Eastern European.

[B]

I mean, I'm crazy. Like, I love this kind of weird shit now. And I could go there.

[A]

No, see, I can go. I can do weird. I can do weird. I can do strange. Oh, yeah, you know me, I have my PhD in dealing with white people. Yeah, I could, I can do weird. But you lose me at bodily fluids. Yeah. Like, because I could be the guy. I could be the security guy at that joy camp.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Clapping. Stomp to your heart's degree. I might even join you for a meal if I could bring my own sauces and stuff like that. But this, when you start doing fluids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't fuck with you. I cannot.

[B]

No, no, I know. I wonder if there's any black people drinking.

[A]

Because if you, if you will snort your own piss, that mean you also don't wash Your hands. You know that, right? Any. Because anybody think they piss is good enough to go back in there in their head. They. They think they clean. They think everything about them is sanitary.

[B]

You just blew my mind, bro. Because you're right. That goes. It does go it. Close to your brain, right? Because you're snorting it. This is very dangerous.

[A]

If this make you a sandwich. It's p. That sandwich.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah. Like. Like his top. His top piece of bread. It's. It's. It's. It's pissed off piss.

[B]

It's all piss. This is like when people were putting alcohol in their sphincters so that the. The body absorbs it quickly. Like, you can die so fast shooting alcohol in your butthole. You're not supposed to do that.

[A]

Yeah, bro, you putting. You putting uric acid up your nose, bro. That's crazy.

[B]

Anyway, I just. I hope you get into this because I do think you need to start.

[A]

You hope I get into this?

[B]

Yeah. You got to be healthy, Brian.

[A]

Just. Just kill me. Let me die.

[B]

Whatever. I guess you don't want to live forever.

[A]

Let me die. And his pisses is a. It's a little too clear, honestly. Are we doing some health assessments?

[B]

I don't know. I think it's. He's dehydrated. I think it's. It's okay. Listen, I'm glad you came here. I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad you've decided to snort your own piss. I'm glad you're on this journey.

[A]

Whatever. Whatever it takes.

[B]

I don't want you to die. So just keep doing what you're doing.

[A]

No, you guys don't know what I do to stay heart healthy.

[B]

Come on, buddy. Christina P. Cosmetics. You're right.

[A]

Christina P. Cosmetics.

[B]

You got to do your. Your liquid lipstick stays on forever. I'm wearing it right now.

[A]

My Velvet Crush blush.

[B]

There you go, buddy.

[A]

My Velvet Crush blush is how I stay hard healthy.

[B]

That's right, buddy. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. Come see Brian Simpson do stand up. Come. Come see me do stand up. And I love you. And stay golden showers, pony boy.

[A]

Also BS With Brian Simpson is my podcast.

[B]

Okay. I love you.

[A]

Love you, too.

[B]

Recently, when I became deathly ill, I

[A]

used this remote control to contact life.

[B]

I'm having chest pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain

[A]

I'm having

[B]

chest pain, pain, pain, pain.

[A]

I'm calling paramedics and your family, Mr. Miller.

[B]

Fallen. And I can't get up. We're sending Help immediately.

[A]

Mrs. Fletcher.

[B]

There's a world where legends race across city skylines.

[A]

Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms.

[B]

And there's magic around every corner.

[A]

It's a world known to many as Great Britain.

[B]

You've seen the action on screen.

[A]

Now visit the the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain.