Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

Summary

Your Mom's House Ep. 827: "Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk"

Date: September 10, 2025
Hosts: Tom Segura & Christina Pazsitzky
Guest: Carrot Top

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, married comedians Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky (aka the Mommies) catch up after some time away from the show. They bring the energy with updates on health, art, and classic "YMH" humor—covering topics from post-surgery recovery and diet changes to wild fan interactions and internet oddities. The second half welcomes legendary Vegas performer Carrot Top for an irreverent romp through his comedic process, prop gags, battles with reputation, and a showcase of both classic and bizarre inventions.

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1. Catching Up with Tom & Christina

(00:39 – 13:15)

Key Points:

• Misnaming the Show:
  Both vent about people—especially emcees—badly mispronouncing "Your Mom's House" as "Your Mama's Place."

  • “If you mess it up, they will come for you. Don't mess it up, dummy.” – Christina [01:00]

• Returning from Breaks:
  Tom was away shooting a movie and adjusting his Invisalign, while Christina underwent a major breast reconstructive surgery (deep flap) after cancer.

  • Christina shares her surgery experience and new body:
    • “It was a 12 hour surgery. I was in the ICU for three days, and now I have, okay, killer tits. And I have a flat stomach. It's so cool.” [01:52]

• Unintentional Weight Loss:
  Tom describes losing 15 lbs during film shooting by simply being too busy to eat, illustrating how lifestyle can trump fad diets.

  • “I didn’t try. And then I got back, and I haven’t gained a pound yet.” – Tom [03:18]

• Christina’s Active Recovery:
  Christina assures fans she’s been productive while recovering, working on art and keeping up with podcast duties.

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2. The “Accidental Opiate Art” & Tom’s Muse

(05:18 – 10:56)

Key Points:

• Adventures in Painkillers:
  Christina shares artwork made while medicated post-surgery—some pieces named after the drugs (“Cosmic Cat” on Dilaudid, “The Mu Ap” on oxycodone), blending humor and recovery.

  • "If you're out there and you've never around with opiates. The best." – Tom, jokingly [06:48]

• Tom’s “Tribute Art”:
  Christina unveils a drawing commemorating Tom’s newly chiseled physique, with playful banter about anatomical “accuracy.”

  • “I gave you some big, beautiful balls. Look at those things.” – Christina [08:16]
  • “That penis is...It looks like a pinky toe.” – Tom [09:43]

• Fan Engagement:
  Christina hints about selling prints of her art, maintaining a not-just-for-profit artist persona.

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3. Sex, Health, & Internet Oddities

(10:56 – 19:10)

Key Points:

• Ass Health Segment (w/ Guest “Medical Professional”):
  Irreverent discussion about stretching, fascia, and emotional release by “unwinding” with objects in the rectum (satirical and explicit as always).

  • “Dude, shove a dildo up your ass, sit on it, move around, and you’ll see.” – Tom [20:56]
  • Practical joke: always tie a string to objects to avoid ER visits.
  • Tangent on "ass worship" furniture found on Amazon.

• Men Messaging Tom:
  Tom shares about receiving explicit sexual messages from male fans, drawing parallels with what women regularly endure online.

  • “I get to feel like a woman.” – Tom [16:07]

• Obsession with Karl Lagerfeld:
  Christina lauds fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld’s snobby one-liners:

  • “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.” – Karl Lagerfeld (quoted) [18:04]
  • Discussion on fashion standards, Lagerfeld’s sexuality, and industry attitudes.

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4. Internet Culture, Commentary & Trolls

(19:10 – 39:00)

Key Points:

• Shaming Beautiful Celebrities Online:
  Christina and Tom laugh over accounts that expose internet trolls who bash gorgeous women and then reveal the trolls’ own questionable looks.

  • “Who are you?” – Christina [32:40]

• Sexual Preferences & “Stanky” Conversations:
  Tackle the topic of sexual fetishization (“musk” preference) and post about sex furniture’s weight limits, with trademark crassness.

• “Bogus Beggar” Segment:
  They watch a clip about a fake disabled man who panhandles in multiple cities, earning up to $100k a year, marveling at his audacity.

• Brad Pitt vs. Johnny Depp:
  A running debate on attractiveness and “vibes” of 1990s Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, weighted by their infamous histories.

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5. Enter Carrot Top: Vegas Legend Unplugged

(40:06 – 113:38)

Key Topics:

A. Life & Career in Las Vegas

(40:06 – 50:00)

• Nearly 30 years performing, 6 shows a week at the Luxor.
• The grind of early Vegas comedy for little pay, relief at eventually settling into home ownership and routine.
• “It’s like being on a cruise ship that’s locked. The same people every night.” – Carrot Top [41:34]

B. Inventive Process & Prop Building

(45:17 – 74:10)

• Props come from both objects found (“crack” for Carrot Top at yard sales) and jokes that inspire invention.

• Example: the “plate for bulimics”—mini toilet as a dinner plate.

• “I would have paid a hundred bucks for it!” – Carrot Top on a tiny toilet find [45:54]

• Evolving Material:
  Always writing, refreshing material for repeat Vegas customers and TV gigs.

  • “I think one of my favorite things about this job is the creative process of writing all the time.” – Carrot Top [48:18]

• Laughs about airport luggage issues—props with wires and weird shapes—sometimes leading to TSA stories.

C. Prop Demos & Storytelling

(86:09 – 99:45)

• Demonstrates new and classic props live:

  • Boots with reversed soles (“OJ Joke”—escape artistry)
  • Self-leveling picture frames
  • Breastfeeding “baby mask” to cover up public feeding

• Christina observes:

  • “You could open the Carrot Top store in Vegas like at the Luxor, bro.” [74:29]

• Carrot Top muses on having his prop ideas ripped off by infomercial companies but takes it in stride.

D. Vegas & Comedy Philosophy

(77:11 – 108:23)

• Respect for hard work & creative effort—makes fun of “too cool to try” attitudes.

  • “You should try to be funny. That’s the point. I think that's part of the... yeah, try. I mean, at least try.” – Carrot Top [77:23]

• Stories about corporate gigs gone wrong, including doing comedy after tragic or awkward announcements.

  • “I did that because you're a pro. You're the only one that could do it. I said, well, don't ever fucking do that.” – Carrot Top (relaying Jerry Lewis) [60:21]

• Open discussion of Carrot Top’s up-and-down reputation, feeling unfairly slammed for being original, but now beloved by comics and legends like Carlin and Garry Shandling.

  • “But George Carlin liked me.” – Carrot Top [104:38]

E. Show-and-Tell With Hosts

(89:05 – 103:31)

• Christina and Tom dig out sex-toy-style props from their studio, to Carrot Top’s glee and mild confusion—culminating in dick jokes, color comments about “ginger” slurs, and mutual admiration for clever inventions.

  • “For years I would always ask my mom, why do I have a big black dick? She says, you’re blessed.” – Carrot Top [89:24]

• Tom asks if “ginger” is offensive to redheads. Carrot Top admits he just doesn’t like the word.

  • “I don't like the word ginger either. I don't know why.” [90:04]

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6. Legends, Influence & Industry Talk

(103:31 – 113:38)

Key Points:

• On meeting and collaborating with legends like Phyllis Diller and George Carlin, sharing tips and stories of mutual admiration.

  • "She gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic, and she changed me forever." – Christina on Phyllis Diller [83:39]
  • Carlin famously complimented Carrot Top and mentioned him on HBO.

• The First Prop:
  Story of Carrot Top’s first-ever prop: a moving hammer created at age 12, spawned from getting in trouble for leaving tools out.

  • “My dad didn’t know I was going to be a prop comic, but, you know, brilliant. But I kept it.” [112:52]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Criticism and Endurance:

  • “I think they finally said, he's not going anywhere.” – Carrot Top, about the industry's acceptance [109:25]

• On His Creative Drive:

  • “You could give me a month. And I don't think I would come up with one [prop joke].” – Tom [109:44]

• On the Value of Being Hit On:

  • “Anyone that likes you, you should be very happy.” – Carrot Top [51:39]

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Important Timestamps

• Breast surgery/new "tetas" story – [01:32]
• Tom’s movie + weight loss reflection – [02:16]
• Christina’s drug-fueled art reveal – [06:32]
• Fan sexual DMs to Tom – [15:55]
• Karl Lagerfeld sweatpants quote – [18:04]
• Ass health (“shove a dildo up your ass”) – [20:56]
• Shaming beautiful female celebrities online – [32:03]
• Brad Pitt vs. Johnny Depp debate – [37:36]
• Carrot Top joins the show – [40:06]
• “Plate for bulimics” prop story – [45:54]
• TSA & prop luggage story – [70:53]
• Prop invention: self-leveling picture frame – [93:49]
• Phyllis Diller limo story – [82:13]
• First ever prop story (moving hammer) – [112:45]
• Carrot Top on being accepted in comedy – [109:23]
• Carrot Top wraps up ("not going anywhere") – [109:30]

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Tone and Style

Playful, irreverent, and authentic—the humor is explicit and self-deprecating, mixing real-life struggle (health, reputation) with the kind of boundary-pushing oddity that defines "Your Mom's House." Carrot Top brings an earnest craftsman's spirit, cheeky stories, and loving tributes to comedy greats.

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Summary

This episode is an energetic blend of bodily confessions, wild internet finds, and prop comedy magic. Tom and Christina riff on everything from surgery and aging to internet trolls and sexual taboos, before Carrot Top jumps in and peels back the curtain on decades of invention, perseverance, and comedic redemption. It’s filled with behind-the-scenes tales, prop inventions old and new, and a camaraderie among comics who love to make each other laugh. Fans of YMH and comedy history will find plenty to enjoy.

Catch Carrot Top live in Vegas, and keep an eye out—you never know what’s going to pop out of his trunk!

Transcript

[Carrot Top]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of your mama's place. Do you know how many times someone has said that to me?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Same brought me up on stage. And they say it wrong.

[Tom Segura]

He has your mount, your mom's place, your mama's. Yeah, yeah. And then. And he has a host, the show, your mama.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And fans don't like that.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They get really upset. And I tell emcees, I've told them, if you mess it up, they will come for you. Don't mess it up, dummy.

[Tom Segura]

Learn how to talk stupid.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, you dummy. Yeah, big stupid.

[Tom Segura]

We're back. We're back.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We're back.

[Tom Segura]

We're back. I've missed it, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I missed it here so much.

[Tom Segura]

So fun doing this show. And we were out for different reasons.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And what were you out for again?

[Tom Segura]

I did a movie.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

And then I had my Invisalign. Kind of adjusted again.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That was so painful for you.

[Tom Segura]

It sucked. What'd you do?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I had my deep flap. I've got new. New tetas again.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, let's not make this all about, you know, cancer.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Tit.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They're so good, though. They are good, though.

[Tom Segura]

Unbelievable. I don't. I mean, I don't understand. I know, like, how the. They're magicians.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know. God bless these doctors, man. It was a 12 hour surgery. I was in the ICU for three days, and now I have, okay, killer tits. And I have a flat stomach. It's so cool.

[Tom Segura]

It's amazing. It's amazing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I don't even think you've really, like, seen them.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen them.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But you haven't, like.

[Tom Segura]

All right, I'll take them.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm still kind of scabby.

[Tom Segura]

Peekaboo later and stuff. It's great. It's amazing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And you've changed. Your body has changed so much.

[Tom Segura]

You know, the thing is. Here's the thing that's so crazy. I've tried so many times over the years, different tactics, you know, diets and, like. Yeah, all right. You're doing Carnivore. You're gonna do the just juice, like all these things to lose weight. And then I went and did a movie where I was just like, on set 12 hours a day. And you're like, yeah, I don't really want to eat because I'm in the scene. I don't want to burp. I don't want to feel bloated. Like, kind of like when you do stand up, you're like, I'll eat after.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I did that for a month and a half, and then I was like, oh, I lost another £15 doing that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, and you were, I think, really happy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was fun. It was very fun.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And busy. Yeah, happy and busy.

[Tom Segura]

And the last thing I was thinking about for what is just food. And so, you know, two weeks in, they're like, hey, we have to punch a hole in your belt. And then another two weeks went by. We have to punch another hole in your belt. Could you stop, please, so that your clothes fits for the rest of the movie? I was like, crazy. It was crazy that I didn't try. And then I got back, and I haven't gained a pound yet.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, that's the way to do it.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You got to keep on going.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Look, I. I don't want you to think that I've been idle or just lazy in this last month that I've been home.

[Tom Segura]

That wasn't one of my thoughts. Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I don't want you guys to think like, oh, Christina has breast cancer and reconstructive surgery, and she's just laying home on her laurel. Like, I want you to know that I've been working hard.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I know you've been working hard. Yeah. You've been up to a lot of stuff. Let's get into it after.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. I was going to say I'm just excited to share.

[Tom Segura]

Let's share. Let's catch up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I really want to share.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like to know. All right, here we go. Here's your opening clip, everybody.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The best. When people are really in their mind.

[Tom Segura]

They need to get.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Like, when you get stuck and going in circles in your mind, the best way to get out of that is.

[Carrot Top]

To shove something up your.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

There's actually a truth to that statement, because from here to there is the same.

[Tom Segura]

It's connected.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

Connected tissue. If you didn't eat food, you didn't show your ass. That wouldn't be a holy spot.

[Tom Segura]

Goes up your ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Missed this tune.

[Tom Segura]

Hell, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's so soulful. Oh, let's turn it on.

[Tom Segura]

So good to be here. Back in. How was it for you hosting solo?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God. So the pressure was On. Because I've never operated the board. I've never pushed the buttons. Yeah, the staff here was incredible. They changed the cool guys to be my gothic heroes. Yeah, it was fun, but I have to say, a little lonely. I need my jeans. It's two mommies, one jeans.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I was here with your substitute last week. Nobody knew. Everyone thought it was you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, oh, she just doesn't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Talk much, you know, which is preferable. Hey, did you notice something is back in town? Yeah. And guess what? It's staying on my side of the goddamn desk. The people have spoken. Tomorrow, the fart mic has returned. Okay. Now also, like I said, I don't want you guys to think I've been lazy since I was gone. I've done some art also. Just a reminder around and find out is still for sale.

[Tom Segura]

What's it at now?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

50 grand.

[Tom Segura]

$50,000.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yep.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And the original is, you know, still there. Oh, you got to be care. The pressure is on. And I. Oh, here we go. I made some other artwork while I was recovering.

[Carrot Top]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This one's like Cosmic Cat. I really like that one.

[Tom Segura]

Can you show it?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, One second.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This pastel, it's very, very tricky. This one's. Yeah. This one's like cool Cosmic Cat. Just kind of a happy guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is when I was on Dilaudid.

[Tom Segura]

The best. Yeah, the best. I gotta tell you, if you're out there and you've never around with opiates. The best.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's time to start. I really.

[Tom Segura]

And then, especially if you're. Your life's a little out of order. Dive in.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is oxycodone. This is nice. This is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's cool. There's a difference between Dilaudid and Oxys.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yes. This is one I call the Mu ap. Get it?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Disclosure is coming.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oxys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then this is what I'm most excited for, Tom. Okay, Is you are always my muse. And because of your recent body changes and stuff, I. I just wanted to commemorate this time in your life for the movie. Very exciting. And your physique. Hella exciting. And this, I thought, what a beautiful way. A tribute to your beautiful body. If you can see here, your thighs are very muscular. Your six pack abs are just showing right through. Look at that chest. Your beard is very full. I gave you some hair because I feel like, you know, artistic license.

[Tom Segura]

Sure. There's interesting choices.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Made.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's to scale.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Yeah. I Try. I gave you. Yeah. I mean, your belly button's a little high. I could have done better there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I gave you some big, beautiful balls. Look at those things.

[Tom Segura]

You know what's interesting is it's only balls.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's a thing that usually sits on top of the balls.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You. Pubes?

[Tom Segura]

No, below the pubes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No, the pubes. I gave you a voluptuous set of.

[Tom Segura]

What would you say is the thing that hangs above the balls? Below the pubes? Do you see it?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I gave you a very realistic penis with the rest of the body. This is all to scale. This is exactly what you look like nude. Okay. I can tell you're not very excited, but hold on. It gets better. So then I thought to myself, I says to myself, self, this is a guy of action. He's dynamic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And here we are.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Here's Tom and the bear.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Also, I was thinking in terms of poor Oso's branding. What a fantastic new shirt, a new hat. This for sure. You're wrestling a powerful bear. Look at you.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Sure, go ahead. Really enjoy it. This one. I like to see your body.

[Tom Segura]

It's very flattering. Except for.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Look at your shoulder. I really spent a lot of time on the shoulder there.

[Tom Segura]

Do you see something that's not that flattering?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, this.

[Carrot Top]

The.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The calf. I kind of.

[Tom Segura]

No, the calf looks nice.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That was not my best work.

[Tom Segura]

That penis is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Perfectly to scale.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Some might say perfectly to scale.

[Tom Segura]

It looks like a. Like a pinky toe.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, well, you know, I gave you some really nice balls, and I think that's what's important. So I think this should become the new YMH official artwork. I'd like to have this up on the set, if we can do that. I don't know. You know what, guys? I'm like, I'm. As an artist, I don't want everything to be just for profit.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Yeah, that's very flattering. Thank you for drawing that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're welcome.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the penis, really special.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You got it.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks. That's what you see. Can I say that's actually like. It's actually kind of good. Like, you're good at drawing.

[Carrot Top]

I'm not even going.

[Tom Segura]

You think the penis is flattering? Well, I think I would have maybe chose a, you know, different. What is size, perhaps?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What are you talking about? I look, as an artist, I draw what I see. Yes. I embellish in certain parts, but I think that this is accurate.

[Tom Segura]

Very cool. Thank you for that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're welcome. I'm so glad you like it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm so glad I could be so.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Glad you like it forever. And I I just want to draw you in different poses.

[Tom Segura]

Holding cats just like that would be nice. Yeah yeah. Thank you for that. You are very talented. Thank you around and find out has a signed prints that are oh yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm selling those now.

[Tom Segura]

You can grab those and maybe she will grant this to the store one day. That's really cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Tom and the Bear. We'll see. I don't know if the demand is there. I'll we'll do it but I don't. I don't want to. I just want to be that kind of an artist. Like I do it for the thrill.

[Tom Segura]

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[Carrot Top]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, thanks my love. Not so close to the.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus, Tyler.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

Draw him. Next.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're telling me all that I have Nudes.

[Tom Segura]

You can just use one of the photos I have.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I don't think they're wrong.

[Tom Segura]

He sends me nudes. Go ahead. It's true.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He does.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Usually on Mondays. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, new week, new look, and then it's just. Usually him just nude in a pose. I love it. Don't ever stop sending me this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I want to see his nudes.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's personal. But maybe if he grants me one to pass on.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Do guys send you nudies?

[Tom Segura]

Do men?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, but men write vile things to me.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Would you say that your primary sexual demographic is dudes?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Who are come.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, the. The messages that I get, like, dudes. I get the whole thing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're so cool.

[Tom Segura]

I get to feel like a woman. I get. I get things from, like, they'll be like, looking good. Or like, yes, daddy, this is a hot whatever look on you. Or like, you know what? I can't get enough. Like, all those, like, kind of like, you know, it's a compliment. And then the next tier is like, God, I'd love to eat your ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And, like, you know, can we find the profiles of these gentlemen?

[Tom Segura]

I don't want to get into it. I'm not. No, I don't want to highlight them.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But they're like bears, right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, they're sometimes. Sometimes. It's totally not a bear look. It's just some dude, and his profile is just like, whatever music and, you know, shit, whatever he's into, like, seemingly, you know, just regular shit. And then he's just like, God, I'd love if you sat on my face. Or I just came to this photo, and you're like, what the fuck, man?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So wild.

[Tom Segura]

It's wild. And you're like, oh, this is what chicks go through.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I've been obsessed with Carl Lagerfeld. I watched this series called Carl Before Lagerfeld. It was a French show.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, pull up that quote. That's so funny. Oh, dude, the one you sent.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, I don't have my phone. Dude, he's. He's such a hero.

[Tom Segura]

Pull up an image of Carl Lagerfeld.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Absolutely. He's so German. Everything about he. He doesn't give a. He just says what's in his heart, you know?

[Tom Segura]

So, okay, that's Karl Lagerfeld. For people that don't know. He was a legend in fashion.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He reinvented Chanel. He did such a good job.

[Tom Segura]

And, you know, he was a staple of fashion for 50 years. And then take a look look at him. And then he says, you sent me this today. He goes, yes. Some people say to me, you're too skinny. But never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could lose a few pounds say that. Which is just such a great, great quote. And then the other one is he said, oh, this is so funny. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Which is not untrue because during COVID I think that was the first time I really got into wearing sweatpants.

[Tom Segura]

And that is like. It is on. Like some people will be like, whatever, I love them. They're comfy. And you're like, yeah. It is still like, well, fuck it, I've given up.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's a little bit of a give up. There you go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Sweatpants. And he's German. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants. He's the best, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I mean he dressed like that. That's the guy saying that. The guy dressed like that every day.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's the best.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Some people say to me, you're too skinny. But never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could lose a few pounds say that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. And I also like that he didn't like fat models.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Because he was like, look, it's about the fantasy, okay? That's why we hire 15 year olds. They are skinny naturally. And people are like, what? He's like, he's just saying the truth.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig. What sizes do we have? 024.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Literally. That's fashion. Especially haute couture.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But my favorite part about Carl Lagerfeld in this show about his life is that he was a homosexual. But an asexual homosexual, which to me it's like defeating the purpose of being a gay man. Like isn't the raddest part about that is just like all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Especially a successful.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know. Fashion gay man.

[Tom Segura]

Can you imagine the amount of this guy could have had in his life, bro.

[Carrot Top]

Insane, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He could just. All day. Yeah. And he just passed that up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Seconds is a Coxins all day long.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But he wasn't interested in come, which.

[Carrot Top]

Is so crazy, so strange.

[Tom Segura]

So not gay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No. It's such an anomaly.

[Tom Segura]

It's an anomaly here.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

There's polarity because this tissue is the exact same tissue as this tissue. There are two ends of the spectrum and in between those two there is electrical connection.

[Carrot Top]

Yes.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

And. And when you said That I was laughing so hard because the first thing that I did when I tried, because I was having issues with my hips and my pelvis, and I knew it in clinic. I knew the one thing I need to do is rotate the fascia in there. I took. Took my wife's. Put it up my. And turned it and sat on it and bear down on it and started breathing. And it unraveled the inside of my intestine, my organs. Because our emotions. Our organs are connected to our emotions.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No asshole.

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Holy hole, William Blunderfeld.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

And so you're right. Most guys should have something shoved up there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, most guys. And if you're out there and you have hip issues, you know, or something's going on.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Your calves are tight. Your calves are tight.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, shove a dildo up your ass, sit on it, move around, and you'll. You'll see.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then eat the banana for potassium.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But shove it up your ass first.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That guy's got a stick up, right?

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

We say it for a reason.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We say it for a reason.

[Carrot Top]

There needs to be unwinding there, and there's even this extra taboo.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The dark place where our distort. Yeah, right. So when we go demon hunting up.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We're inviting that to unwind, open to release.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

So can I tell you something biological?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, please.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Sure.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

Is that when you bear down, you always bear down because your digestion always goes in one direction. You always bear down in one way. And the. The rectum through the large intestine is intestine.

[Tom Segura]

But.

[Carrot Top]

And.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

And when you unravel the epithelium, ethereal tissue at the. It actually will unravel all the way through up to the throat.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, wow.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

And that was one of the. It was literally one of the most.

[Carrot Top]

When I.

[Guest Expert / Medical Professional]

When I learned about the fascia, I'm like, oh, took a ball, put it up my. Twisted and held it there. And I thought, well, that.

[Tom Segura]

That's not a day one move, you know? Took a ball and I put it in my.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Right. There's precursor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Objects. Would you start with a ball?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think. I don't think anyone should start with a ball. I would start with a pinky or, you know, the little homie. Little one in there.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Or even a suppository. I got used to. To doing that. It took once or twice, and now I'm an expert.

[Tom Segura]

But that's awesome.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe a ball is next for you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

A ball.

[Tom Segura]

A ball. He put a ball in his ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

A ball, babe.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like Nothing crazy. Get like a softball or something.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I would put a football because the shape is good.

[Tom Segura]

But the big thing, if you're gonna put balls and lampshades and everything in your ass, you know, tie a string to it. The big problem.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

People lose it in their ass. So then it feels great, and you're like, I wish I could keep it forever. But you can't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So true.

[Tom Segura]

So you don't want to have to do a ER visit, you know?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So true. Like tampons that there's a reason there's a string.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. Yeah, that's right. You weren't lost in your cooch. Even though it feels so good. I love this whole process. Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Do you think he's a doctor? Like, how did he.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I don't think.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Just the Internet wisdom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There's electricity between your and your throat. You know, he's just kind of talking about what he likes.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But it's important, you know, it's important to. To have these conversations.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It is.

[Tom Segura]

Especially if you have hip issues.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Actually loved ass worship because I'm like, I think a lot of women would do that if they knew more about it. So can you paint me a picture of what an evening of ass worship has looked like in the past? Yeah. So I had this one ass worshiper, and we have met regularly, but he had bought this new chair, and so he startled me when I opened the door. He had, like, this chair. I'm like, what is that? You know? So he was excited to show it to me, and he was like, look, I can eat your ass with this chair. So he pulls it out, and it's like two straps to kind of hold my ass cheeks open. And then, like, so now he's just able to lay under my ass. Like, he doesn't have to worry about spray anything. I don't have to worry about spraying anything. And my is just on full display for him to look at it, worship it, kiss it, lick it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Put a ball in there. Yeah. Cool, right? It sounds like we just need to get a chair. Make your life easier.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, that is a different level to your sex life when you're buying furniture to fuck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then the kids are like, what is that, mom?

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, I have tight hips. I have to sit in this to loosen them. They're like, oh, okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know. I. I was friends with a couple. I worked with a couple one time, and they were together for, like, 20 years. Kind of like, we are furniture Right? Yeah. And he's like, we have a swing. We have a swing. And I was like, ugh. Like, I just. I don't know. Oh, there it is.

[Tom Segura]

Is that on Amazon?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It sure is.

[Carrot Top]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

They really do have everything. Oh, and then you could pull those straps. Straps. Looks like to pull your head up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

You don't have to like, you know, I mean, it supports your eye.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, there it is.

[Tom Segura]

The face rider. Amazon.

[Carrot Top]

I.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy to me. They got Amazon's like, what do you want to sit on someone's face?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They got no limits, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Did you get your zero sugar root beer? You want to get this too?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Your Halloween costume.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ. Christ.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And your queening chair.

[Tom Segura]

That's amazing. I had no idea that Amazon was in this sector.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, let me tell you, I ordered a scar massager for my breast and it looked awfully a lot like a dildo.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And I was a little embarrassed. Yeah, it's like waterproof and everything.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I don't like about this artwork though? This cover. She looks like she's bare. Like she's like, this is all for him. Like she's not enjoying it at all. Look at the level of disinterest in that.

[Carrot Top]

Look.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

She's dead inside. Yeah, yeah. She's thoroughly.

[Tom Segura]

She's also doing ass chair worship photos, so.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And it is vegan leather, which thank God for that.

[Tom Segura]

That for some reason the, like, the people that love sex toys.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are also concerned about like that. I don't know why that's. That diagram works.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But they're like, I want to eat where it's easier to eat my partner's ass. Hey, is this environmentally friendly?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Like, so true.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know why.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, it is a Venn diagram of like the non binary type communities too. And intentionality and feelings. And then animals. We got to care for the animals.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina Pazsitzky]

And like he's handcuffed to it as well.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's. He has no choice but to eat her ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I want to get out of here. And she's like, sorry, this is it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's definitely the girl's idea.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is developed for and by women for sure. Yeah, Chicks just love building torture chairs for dudes. This is such a chick thing. Oh, up to £440.

[Tom Segura]

That's a big Jesus Christ. I don't want to eat anyone's ass. That's 4:40.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh my God, look. We were watching a show yesterday and one of the lesbians was very overweight.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And I was like, can you imagine.

[Tom Segura]

What the smells like?

[Carrot Top]

I remember.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. I'm just thinking as a woman, I can say that, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure. I mean, Outer. But, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I would never say who this person was.

[Tom Segura]

It was a big bitch.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But I was like, dude, yeah, Stinky. But do you think that's a thing? Like, maybe that's why some gentle gentlemans like, yeah, of course. Because they like the musk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah. £440.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, are you clean? Get out of here. Yeah, a thousand percent. I'll tell you who is clean.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Hello.

[Tom Segura]

Hello.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Hello there. Hi.

[Tom Segura]

With me and join me.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. Come on in.

[Tom Segura]

I could see you with him. I like that he's wearing the glasses in the shower.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I didn't even think about that.

[Tom Segura]

They're completely fogged up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's like, I need them because how is he? He's taping him. Taping himself. Videoing himself.

[Tom Segura]

No, his partner is fun.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Fun, fun.

[Tom Segura]

Fun. I've heard fun a lot.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's so great. Yeah, wait, I wish we were so fun.

[Tom Segura]

And then that got posted. He was like, I'm posting this. This is my thirst trap.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

[Tom Segura]

That's tight, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But I will give him a 10 out of 10 for creativity. Because you don't see the cool guys come at you from the shower. It's always just in a chair. They're so lazy. They're shirtless. There's a fan.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like a deep dive on this guy. Pretty cool. Please let me know what's going on in his life.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, this is the don't message me if you're black guy. Josh.

[Carrot Top]

Just.

[Tom Segura]

That's the guy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's him.

[Tom Segura]

That's the guy.

[Carrot Top]

That's the guy.

[Tom Segura]

That's un. Fucking believable. This guy has, hey, be white only standard.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This guy. This guy's like, you're not welcome in my shower if you're black. That's so awesome. Yeah. Dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Have you seen those memes where they're reading comments to, like, Margot Robbie? Are these highly beautiful women?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And they're like, she really let herself go. What a pig. And they always go to the guy's profile. He's a monster.

[Carrot Top]

It's so good.

[Tom Segura]

That is an unbelievable account. It just. It does a deep. It's such a brilliant thing. It's a dive on the comments left on essentially just gorgeous people. And then they show you who left the comments. And it's. It's. It's fantastic. We should find that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, let's find it.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's on tick because this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Is the guy who's like, hey, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, hey, put that sandwich down. I liked her better when she wasn't so chunky. And you're like, what? Who. Who are you?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Who are you? Yeah, but he is like, hey, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, don't have kids.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No blackies.

[Tom Segura]

Better have a job.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No kids.

[Tom Segura]

Don't be. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. These are great. Let's see. Men responding. Boy, did that figure go south. That's this guy. Time to hit the gym, girl. Let's see John. There's John. And she's postpartum Chunky deer. You better. That guy better work out. Just a cute face. Shoulders down. Nothing. Yeah, that's good. She fell flat.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, he's cute.

[Tom Segura]

Makeup is the devil. Oh, okay, Frankie.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. Wow. Her dimensions have surely shifted. It's like a lot of spray tan.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, women age like milk.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, she just had a baby and she still looks amazing. Yeah, that shit's so funny.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. It is crazy. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's his standards, too. He is like, I demand these things. Oh, men's response to terror.

[Tom Segura]

He's so mid. Yeah, that's what it is. This is the one I was thinking of. Yeah, go down further. Let's see. Who's Megan Fox? Let's see. Yeah, Megan Fox.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Let's go. But still has hammer thumbs.

[Carrot Top]

That guy. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Still looks like a. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I prefer the plastic free version.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Did anybody ask you? Train wreck.

[Tom Segura]

Train wreck. Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Looking like an alien. That's not a very big fish. As long as the domestic goddess skill still stands. Holy. So you want her to look like Megan Fox and also be your mommy? No offense, but there's at least three employees at my local sprouts market that I would much rather spend time with.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah, you should. I mean, Those are cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Tivas. IDK. She looks like every girl in the club after 12 on a Friday night. They all look the same. Is that a makeupless clown?

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah, I think we got it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. It's just ridiculous. But that's the delusion. This. This dude. It's like, I deserve. I deserve the best.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

God, I wish I had just an ounce of that. You know, I fight so hard to have just like an ounce of self esteem. This guy is like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Sure, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

God damn.

[Tom Segura]

This is kind of fun. This kind of guy leaves widening camera.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

For Chances are you've seen him try to dip to dough restaurant Sympathized with his wheelchair his drawn hands his story ripped at your heart.

[Carrot Top]

Damn. Give me money and today some eat.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Lexington Police say he's taken his act on tour of the city to places like the Lansdowne Shops, Hamburg and the Zandale corridor of Nicholasville Road. We busted this bogus beggar right outside the police department just minutes after a press conference about it investing.

[Carrot Top]

Like, I appreciate you guys busting me. Appreciate this. Yeah, I'm really good at it.

[Tom Segura]

Really good.

[Carrot Top]

I clear about $100,000 a year doing this. $100,000 a year? Yeah, about 60 to 100. I'm just playing. I gotta go, y'. All. I gotta make some money.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He was back at it again.

[Carrot Top]

Money.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Fum foo F dud.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool, right?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He is really. He plays a better tard than, like, Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty good. That's Gary Thompson.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Really good.

[Tom Segura]

You should get into acting.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Pull up like what's Eating Gilbert Grape? I mean, that was really convincing. Leonardo was still too attractive to play.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was really good looking when he was doing that. He was like a teen, right?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was just so handsome.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. This is the key.

[Tom Segura]

This guy Gary has been. He can walk. Has been caught using the money he gets for cocaine. Yeah. So, yeah, that's somebody who was suspicious of him at one point, is watched him and then figured out that he was faking it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How long the news. How long did he do? Oh, look at Johnny Depp.

[Carrot Top]

Jeez.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Let's see. It's like Johnny Depp can't play that either. Neither could Leonardo.

[Tom Segura]

He's still real good. Johnny Time.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God. Look at him.

[Tom Segura]

Look at the hair.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I know.

[Carrot Top]

Christ.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This and the Edward Scissorhands time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, okay, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, this is Sophie's Choice, but Brad Pit and Fight Club, like Prime Brad Pit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Or Johnny Depp and what's eating Gilbert Grave Time.

[Carrot Top]

What are you stupid?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, look at Brad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's BP all the way, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The pit stop. Your best.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look, everyone has their. So if you pulled people, there would definitely be a lot of people that prefer John for sure. That's just the way the world.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, those are two different vibes.

[Tom Segura]

It's a different vibe because.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay, hold on, Johnny.

[Tom Segura]

That's the best bp.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's the best. This is the tight bp. So Johnny's more of like the sensitive thumb ring guy.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Also choke a lot.

[Tom Segura]

BP in. In Fight Club is a goddamn psychopath.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. It's like so hot.

[Tom Segura]

It's a cool aesthetic, but he's a lunatic. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They're both worthy aesthetics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But like. Oh, God, it's so tough because Johnny Depp will like, read you poetry.

[Tom Segura]

He's definitely gonna play some songs, which I know you love.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I hate the acoustic guitar.

[Tom Segura]

He's gonna have six bottles of wine.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, oh, I know, I know, dude, that's the best part. He gets too drunk and then he'll yell at you.

[Tom Segura]

Cigarettes. And he's like, you.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But then. But here's the thing. He and that Amber heard, they would. And fight and. And fight.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that was an electric.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's a good relationship. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Great.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So if you're into that, then Johnny's your guy.

[Tom Segura]

But he knew. He knew this wild. And he knew it had Amber.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Amber. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm sure it's just bananas, but.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yo, was he throwing around like Kate Moss and back in the day, you think?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was banging whoever he was.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But was he throwing them? But was he like doing this Johnny Depp thing where he was drinking a lot and cursing at them and stuff? Cuz Kate's cool.

[Tom Segura]

She wouldn't. So here's the thing, though.

[Carrot Top]

The.

[Tom Segura]

That trial kind of revealed that, like, yeah, he likes his wine.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But he wasn't an abusive prick. She was psychotic. Of course that's what that whole trial revealed.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, it was kerosene and gasoline. The two of them were just like simple kerosene and fire.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I can't believe you chose Brad Pitt to over Johnny Depp. I'm like, it's like, do I even know you? Are we even married?

[Tom Segura]

Do you? All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and we're super excited today. You can see this gentleman nightly at the Luxor in Vegas. You go to carrot top.com for tickets. It's Carrot Top.

[Carrot Top]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for having me. Oh, yeah, dude. Coming in.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you. You thank even your. Your producers. Thank you. You're clapping over there.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah, man.

[Carrot Top]

Everyone's still awesome.

[Tom Segura]

This is awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

You've been. You've been performing for a long time.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you've been in Vegas for a long time.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Almost 30 years.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane to me.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I used to have this thing where I was go, like, because when you start working as a comic and you get Vegas offers, you know you're making, let's say on the road, you're making 1200 bucks a week. They go, hey, we got an offer for you. You go to Vegas, you're gonna make two grand this week. You're like, what the, and then they go. And you're gonna do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're like two shows a night.

[Carrot Top]

No, literally, I have the clubs, they do that. There's like three shows on a night.

[Tom Segura]

And I would get depressed.

[Carrot Top]

Dude. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Doing that.

[Carrot Top]

Because also you realize I get depressed just doing one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but it's like the atmosphere and you realize, like, you don't, you don't have, you can't afford actually anything. It's an illusion.

[Carrot Top]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And then you're like, oh, I just want to be able to pay my bills, but I'm spending six days here.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then so you're like, you're in the, you're in the consumer city. And it's like, don't consume anything. Yeah, it's a, it's a kind of.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then you eat your meals in the cafeteria.

[Carrot Top]

No, it's, it's. I'm. See, I'm, I'm lucky because I have a house there, so I don't. But for the first couple months. Of course. Yeah. The hotel life and you, you do. It's, it's very depressing.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. You got to get out of it.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. It's like being on a cruise ship that does that. That's, that's locked. The same people every. You just gotta, you have to get out of there. So get a house. Get a house and get out of that. Norm is nice. That made it, made it easier.

[Tom Segura]

So now though, now Vegas feels home.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, you know, I, I, It's a, it's the best gig in the world. I mean, you know, you leave your house, go in, do the show, go home.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Carrot Top]

Supposed to get on a plane and try, but it's still, you know, it's work. It's six nights a week. I do, I do, I do do six shows a week. So it's a, it's not an easy, not a slide through, you know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And how long is your show?

[Carrot Top]

It's about too long. It's about an hour and a half.

[Tom Segura]

Damn. Yeah. And you still have like the one thing that, you know, two tours ago, I was doing doubles every night, right? Yeah, all over. So it'd be like I'd be in a city and do two Tuesday, two Wednesday. Like, I know. And then I, you know, I'm 46 and on this tour, I was like, hey, man, I can't do it. I can't do that anymore.

[Carrot Top]

Right. No doubt.

[Tom Segura]

I don't understand how the stamina.

[Carrot Top]

I like just one anyhow. But just for purple Just not only for me. I just think one show, you're putting it all into.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Carrot Top]

I think every going way back when I was playing clubs, when they had two or three shows, you're. They. Have. You had the crowd in there, the people already lined up outside for the second one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

It feels like it's not a special to me.

[Tom Segura]

I agree.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I mean, yes, they're in there doing it, and then we're going to do the same thing to another. I like the one crowd, one thing, you give it your all, and then. And then that's it. One show. But everything you got into it.

[Tom Segura]

Now, you started in Florida.

[Carrot Top]

You said Florida? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's where you're from.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Where. Where in Florida?

[Carrot Top]

Well, actually, Rockledge, but it's Coco. Yeah. Coco Beach. Yeah, well, Coco, not Cocoa Beach. That's what's funny. So people always say. I say Coco. Oh, Cocoa Beach. I'm like, well, this Cocoa, and then there's Merritt island, and then there's Cocoa beach, so.

[Tom Segura]

Right. They're very different.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. We don't have running water in Cocoa. Yeah. We go to Cocoa Beach. There's. There's a surf shop and there's things and.

[Tom Segura]

Is that where you went to high school and all that?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, Cocoa High School.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Wow. So I was in Vero Beach.

[Carrot Top]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It's not too far.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. No. The Dodgers used to spring training.

[Tom Segura]

Spring training there for like 50 years, until one of the guys that bought it was like, we're not doing that anymore. And that depressed the entire time.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But we used to go to Cocoa to watch shuttle launches, right?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. That's where my dad worked. My dad worked at the Space Center.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Carrot Top]

So we. I watched, you know, every launch known to mankind. And what's funny now, because you look back, looking back on it, you're like, I want, you know, I wanted to. I wanted to ride my bike. I wanted to go watch Brady Bunch and Partridge Family. I didn't want to go to a launch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And so my dad's like, no, we're going to a law. You know, you meet all the Astro. You're shaking hands with John Young and John, you know, Neil Armstrong, and you don't even know.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[Carrot Top]

And then as you get older, you realize, oh, I got to meet, like, real rock stars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Real astronauts, you know, and you're watching a real rocket, you know.

[Tom Segura]

So I remember one time we took. I must have been like a sophomore, I think, in high school. We took the bus, like a school bus from Vero up to Coco. And the launch was in the evening, and so it's. It's dark out. And then when that thing launched.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It stayed daylight from the rocket.

[Carrot Top]

Isn't that crazy?

[Tom Segura]

For like. Yeah, seven minutes.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, yeah. And the, and the thunder of the, the rocket, I mean, it's a real deal, right?

[Tom Segura]

It's really.

[Carrot Top]

So now the electric ones, you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Launch is gonna go the old days.

[Tom Segura]

It's a guttural thing.

[Carrot Top]

Big sonic boom.

[Tom Segura]

It's awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Great.

[Tom Segura]

It's awesome, dude.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Was your father like an engineer?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Smart guy.

[Carrot Top]

Very. I don't know how I was. I must have, I always say, my, my show, my whole adopted life, I wanted to, because my brother was an Air force Academy graduate, F16. Dad worked at NASA and I have, you know, walkers with dildos strapped to him. So, yeah, you know, it's. You know, it's.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, we get it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm kind of fascinated by this aspect of it because, like, everybody knows you do props as part of your show. Like, I met a high level magician one time and we were talking and I was like, look, I'm not asking you tell me how you do the trick, but, like, I'm asking you, like, what's the process like of like, like, how are you gonna dive into one of your magic tricks? You know, we had a conversation about that. Do you, like, see things and go, I gotta like, I'll make a joke for this. Or does the joke kind of come and then you support it with a prop?

[Carrot Top]

Both.

[Tom Segura]

Both.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Sometimes I'll see something and I'm just like, there's something fun. I mean, you know, on the road. For years, we're just driving on the road and there'd be a yard sale and of course, you know, it's. It's cracked for me. So I'd be like, stop, we gotta go through the yard. And I would just Rome. And I'd see objects. Like, one was a little toilet. It was just a mini toilet. It was, you know, 50 cents, whatever. I would have paid 100 bucks for it. It's a little toilet. So I just had it on the bus for a couple days. I'm like, there's something funny about a little toilet. So then I thought, I know what it'll be. It'll be a plate for bulimix. So I, I made a plate and you strap it to the toilet so you could eat and throw up at the same time. And it was like my, you know, it was a. One of my closers as you Say, back in the day. And I remember doing that on the Tonight show and Garry Shanley was a guest and I was just, I was so nerve wracked, right? Because he's, he, he. Sometimes the guests leave. Sometimes he said, you know, I'm going to stay and watch Karen. I was like, oh, God, I'm, you know, I'm performing in front of my. One of my heroes.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

And I'm thinking, oh, this is so dumb. I'm, you know, this crap I'm doing. I kept looking over, he's dying. So we sat down the commercial break, and all he always said was, plate for Bulimix. And he said, that is genius. And I decided, oh, good. He just loved it. And then he went over and said, how did, how do you. Because a lot of people say, where do you, where do you find all this? I'm like, no, I make it. I don't. I don't find. Regis always said that to me for like nine years. I would do the play for blame. They. I would do Regis at Kilver. I do great show. And at the end he said, this guy, huh? Where does he find this stuff? And I said, well, no, I don't. I make it. Like we just thought. I just found a plate for Bulimix and someone already made that and I just, oh, wow. You know, I wish they did. It makes my job a lot easier.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you have to actually construct this.

[Carrot Top]

Construct it. I got into that with Kill Tony last night. We were doing the show and he, you know, he said something because it was, it was one that. It was, you know, it took some thought.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Into it. Most of them do. There's a thought process. It's not just a. Like he said, oh, you just take a Sharpie and put it on a beer. So if you like to eat, you're drinking. Right. I'm like, no, that's not the, that's not a prop. It has to be somewhat inventive.

[Tom Segura]

It does. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So that's where I got my dad's. I think my dad's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Engineering a little bit of my dad's brain.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And so how often do you have to, like, turn over a show?

[Carrot Top]

Like, do you always evolve my judge for me? My what? I. Unless I'm doing, like, shows where I want to. I have to. Like when I do the Tonight Shows all the time. You have to have a new, A new set.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

You can't do the same set. So I, I'm always writing. I think that's one of my favorite things. About this job is the creative process of writing all the time. Not only for me, but I think for the audience. Because the audience, you know, we did get turnaround. We have a lot of, you know, how people have been the show and you know, sometimes people have been there 19 times. So you're like, oh, yeah, I gotta get. I gotta get another plate for bulimic joke. Yeah, A new one.

[Tom Segura]

A new one.

[Carrot Top]

So it's always good for me and my crew and for the audience because they, they know it. They're savvy. I mean, the crowds know, like, that's a new one. That's great. Yeah, that's rad and topical. If it's something very topical, people like last night, one Tony's like, now that's topical. So I say I get credit, I get bonus points. I mean, it's. It's in the news.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. I just I the stamina to do what you do. The nightly shows. So wait, when you're in Vegas, is it seven nights?

[Carrot Top]

Six. Six, what day?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Take off Sunday.

[Carrot Top]

The Lord said yes, and then you do your worship. I would like, like, what is it? What's the chicken place that closed in. So, yeah, we're like chick fil a. We close in Sundays.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And you do have a lot of energy too. Like, you're a high energy guy.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Like right now I don't think I flew all the way we've been flying. But no, it's. Yeah, you find the. You find the energy as you know that, right? You find the energy in stage. It's a different, different when you get into the zone. You know how many times we've met with you work with comics that older. I mean, literally, George Burns. I was blessed to. I was on a comic relief. And they wheeled George Burns right next to him. I'm standing there, I was going to go on after him and he was just sitting there in the chair. He. And he was just. I just like, oh, my first. I'm just like, oh, my God, George Burns.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And then they hand him his cigar and they said, ladies and gentlemen, George Burns. And they got him and he almost ran out there and just killed. And then he. He came up, sat in the chair, and again I say he used all that energy to get to that set, but I'm not quite there yet. I mean, I'm sitting my chair and they go, scott, what's that? We gotta go. Give me.

[Tom Segura]

But you're also.

[Carrot Top]

My cigar, Jack, where's my cigar? That's carrying all My hate mail. You gotta carry all this shit around the country all these years, but that's true wet.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What prompted your fitness?

[Carrot Top]

I always, I always worked out. When I was my junior high, I, I got into wrestling, so I always worked out. When I was 13, 14, 15, all the way through high school, I was on the swim team.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I didn't.

[Carrot Top]

But that's, That's a little, that's. I think that was more. That's not me now. But I got, I got pretty. I got pretty, you know, Jack. And what's weird is when you're a comic, you're not allowed to be in shape. No, no, you're in shape. You're like, what's wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's like this, though. It's like, it's like if you went on stage and, like, took your shirt off.

[Carrot Top]

But I would never do.

[Tom Segura]

No, I know you wouldn't, but the, like, what I'm saying is people would look at this and go, all right, like, the men are feeling, like, threatened, right? The women are like, wow. And then you're like, no one's listening to you. They're just distracted.

[Carrot Top]

And some men are going, oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Some guys are going, like, I like this too.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We were talking about that with Tom. Do you have a lot of dudes that, that, like you? Tom gets a lot of dude?

[Carrot Top]

Oh, yeah, we get a lot. Yeah. I always find that funny because people say, man, you know, gay bar, and some guy hit on me. I'm like, be thrilled. You should be excited that someone, anyone hits on you.

[Tom Segura]

You should be happy, right? Yes.

[Carrot Top]

Man, woman, animal, anyone that likes you, you should be very happy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, it's super flattering.

[Carrot Top]

Very flattering.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Do you have a relationship? Are you able to just.

[Carrot Top]

All my props and with my people? No, I don't. I, I'm not in anything thing. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. It's got to be hard, I imagine, because you're, you're performing six nights.

[Tom Segura]

Is it hard or is it Vegas?

[Carrot Top]

It's the best.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Shut up. You shut your mouth.

[Carrot Top]

No, it's, it's the best. Yeah. No, I, I, I chose. I mean, I could probably have relationships, but I know I, I mean, I've had them in the past, and I just, I, I find, I find life more fun. I just, I'm on the go and everywhere. Even having a dog. I had a dog forever, and I, and it was just the hardest thing, traveling and worrying about anybody. I'm.

[Tom Segura]

Do you still travel a lot, though?

[Carrot Top]

Not as, not as much. We do some Road shows. But the Vegas show consumes a lot at 240 shows a year, Right? Yeah. My manager has a car payment. You know, someone has to do something.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I was gonna say, you're stacking checks, bro. You got no ex wives.

[Carrot Top]

No ex wives.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're just sitting on a mountain. Money.

[Carrot Top]

And maybe I'm, well, trying.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

But I live in Florida and. And Vegas, so. So look at that. So again, people always say, hey, you're pretty smart. You get that? You pick the two. I said, well, no, I was born in one, and I work in the other one. So.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

Kind of didn't plan it, but.

[Tom Segura]

But it's not an accident.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, do you have fun with your money?

[Carrot Top]

I don't buy anything. I'm more of this weird. But I'm not like Jay Leno. I don't mind. I. I just do.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I hate when he does that.

[Carrot Top]

But, you know, I know it's a nice. I have, like, you know, one car.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And in fact, I tried getting on Jalen because I've been the Tonight show thousands of times, and we had the car show. I said to him, when I said, hey, put me on your. You know, I was on your tonight show. 35. Put me on the car show. And he's like, you know that car? I said, no, I know nothing about cars, but it'd still be fun to be on. He said, well, no, you got to know about cars. I said, no, the funniest thing is I don't know about cars. That's what makes me funny. You bring me on, and you're like, yeah, know in the car, Then you just. You talk about the cars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And I learned, like, where's the carburetor at?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I don't need to know. But he's a. He's a. He's a cr. He was one. You know, Leno was the. Really. The. Like, Regis and Leno's and all those guys. When I first started, they were so good to me. Every time I had a new set, they would say, you know, come on. And Jay would get so much slack. He'd tell me. He's. I go to the airports and be like, how can you keep carrots Hop? He's like, he always brings the guns. He brings the sign. You know, does the thing really that.

[Tom Segura]

People were giving him.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Because other comics, like, you know, why you have carrots Hop on every other week. He's like, I don't. He delivers. And I say, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm had to do you. No, no. Yeah. I mean, yeah, he's great.

[Tom Segura]

I love.

[Carrot Top]

I just like seeing Jay when he says. Because you don't see anything so silly backstage, like, hey, athlete.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But you did come up at a time where you had to be squeaky clean because if you wanted to have a career.

[Carrot Top]

I did state fairs, and. Yeah. I mean, college is weird because I would do a college on a. Whatever night. Thursday night, University of Florida. And then on the weekend, I would do a state fair in, like, Iowa. And it was. You could say anything you wanted to college some colleges. And then you're at a state fair where it's G. And then the next night was a theater where I could do whatever I wanted. So it was very.

[Tom Segura]

See the pivot.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I mean, it was. So it was challenging, which was good, but it would be really hard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know, and then. Sounds like you're back to a G rated. Hey, you know, hey, guys. You know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And then the college lights, who's out there, you know, bongs with mirrors on them. And, you know, that people wanted to.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

See, but see that I don't imagine you. Because I grew up watching the clean version on television.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, sure.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So the fact that you're even saying, like, yeah, you said, I have a walker with dildos, like, you just blew my mind.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. A lot of people, they do think that it's like the Bob Saget kind of thing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Because everyone, of course, Bob Saget was, you know, Full House and just the cleanest. And they go to the clubs. He's just raunching. And people were like, this is not. Where's the guy from Full House?

[Tom Segura]

I opened for him one time. We did a weekend at the Improv. I think we were in Brea. And. Yeah, like, we met. And I. I still remember that. I was like, oh, how should I bring you up? Like, what should I. You know, because I was in the habit of being like, what are the credits? He's like, they know why they're here. Okay. Which I kind of liked. I respected it, honestly, that he was.

[Carrot Top]

You don't have to tell him, Bob. Sam, the credits.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, okay. And then I brought him up, and then he was like, God, I bet your smells amaz. And I was like, whoa. And it was just like, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Some people are shocked because they haven't seen the shows at the state fairs. And they come to me, they're like, oh, Jesus. And I will say, it's. It's Vegas, you know, it's not your. I'm not Your grandpa's character.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Where do you prefer to work? What's your.

[Carrot Top]

Well, I mean I like to have the freedom of doing all of it. You know last night that the kill Tony. It was. It's such a raw. It's. It's. It's just old school for me. It reminds me of the old clubs when you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

The smoke filled people sing at tables drinking and rowdy and just everything works.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know every joke. It will work. Great crowds. I like those. I mean I don't. You know, my least favorite would be corporate gigs. Unless you're watching. I love being. I love being booked for corporate gigs.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I did a corporate this year and I still remember getting the call and being like, I don't know, man. And then I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it. And then being there backstage with my friend and being like, we're about to eat, dude, we're about to eat here.

[Carrot Top]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

And we did. Dude, we totally ate.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's the worst feeling.

[Carrot Top]

I think I. I might have said something similar when I was up there. I said that you guys are eating and now I'm eating.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Tell them that. You know. And they're like, they don't. They just. Horrible. It's it. I had one for Starbucks that was incredible. It was at Bally's in Vegas and almost like you're making it up but the crowd was wired. I mean like they had all had Starbucks coffees, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And you walk out and it was just. Oh. And it was like a college. You just. Rock star show.

[Tom Segura]

That's dreams.

[Carrot Top]

Then you do one where it's just. I don't know if I'm like a company. A tech company.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And. And literally crickets. I mean I think I made a joke. A prop would had crickets on. Just. If I do a corporate gig, it's like, this is what is happening right now. Just horrible. I did lift your wounds and you go back to Vegas. I'm okay. I am. I am a comic.

[Tom Segura]

You actually go. You leave those and you're like, I got to get on another stage, right?

[Carrot Top]

No, I said right away. You got. Or. Yeah, just quit. We have off a bridge.

[Tom Segura]

This was a private, you know, corporate event and it was in Arizona at a really nice like resort. And right before they're. I'm like, what am I going up? They're like, you're going to be up in a minute. And they, they go, hold on a second. And then this woman goes on stage and she's like, there are Children that are dying. And we're going to do an auction real quick for, like, fundraising for the kids in, like, El Salvador. And I was like, oh, boy. And then they transition from. And no one was bidding. So they were like, 3,000. No, no one's bidding. 2,000, like, lowering the price for the kids. And then they put it. Then they transitioned on the street screen. Welcome, comedy superstar. I was like. And I walked out and. No, nobody clapped, dude. No.

[Carrot Top]

Everyone was like, is this. We share something very similar.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I know a lot of comics have had that. That happen.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

The Jerry Lewis telethon, it made me think of this. This is exactly. This is true. God, strike me dead. So I. I'm on. Ed McMahon is. Is going to bring me out. And Jury goes out, like a breaking news. He walked by. I'll be right back. Stay, stay. Ready, kid. He went out. He wasn't supposed to. Ed was going to bring me out. And he said this just in, and he said, one of our children has just passed away. I mean, like, right now, right? Like right now. He's holding the note. He's, you know, he's shaking it, reading. And he's like, you know, Timothy. So. And they. They pulled a picture of him up, and he's. Everyone's crying. Everyone. I'm crying. Ed McMahon is. We're all dying. And all I did was look over at. I said, he's not bringing me up, is he? And he said he might. And I said, well, he wouldn't do that. He says, he might. And sure. He's just down he goes, well, if anybody can make everybody feel better now is this guy. Swear to God, you know, same thing. Comic and Carrot Top. And I'm like, are you. You have no time to think. So you go out and you. You hug them. You wipe your tears down. Everybody. I go, hi. And, like, five jokes in, still nothing. The band. I finally get the band. I said, you know, when. The band. When I got the band, then they all started to loosen up, but the whole set was just.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Was disastrous. And I came off, and Jerry said, I did that because you're a pro. You're the only one that could do it. I said, well, don't ever fucking do that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was horrible. Yeah, I think it was Sickler. Our friend Ryan Sickler, who did. He got. He got booked to do the Christmas party for the Robbery Homicide division of lapd. And he said that. They're like, all right, we're going to have some laughs. But first. First, let's take A moment to our fallen brothers from this. And they talked about officers that had.

[Carrot Top]

Died during the year.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, all right, let's laugh it up now. Everybody had a moment.

[Carrot Top]

Forgot all those dead people. All right. Yeah, that never happened. You got me thinking nothing in my brain. So think of lapd.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

This is crazy. Jerry Lewis again. This is. When it was in la, I had gone up. This is a little more fun. But it was still weird. I had had all these OJ Jokes, right? Because oj.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is a good time for comedy, right?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I had a belt that had bloody gloves, Velcro to the belt, so you could. You could, you know, toss them on the. You know, because they were planted. Because they were planting gloves. Dead club. So I literally am standing there with. With the props opening as an open out. I said, hey, look, belt for LAPD. So they can. They can plant glove. There's 35, 40 LAPD officers all backstage. Just all. They're all like, dude, big fan, man. Big fans. And I'm like, right on. Kill it. Have fun. I said, right on. And I. I look back and I go out and I. I open with that joke, and I. I'm thinking, they're gonna be dying. Oh, no. Yeah, they. No, they were losing it. I thought they were gonna be mad. I got done. I did, like, three or four football with a knife on it. All these stupid OG jokes. And I came back and they were like, that was great. I said, you could get fired if you were laughing at these jokes. But awkward. Awkward moments when you just don't know what to do.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

One time, I was headlining a bar by the airport, and a Samoan woman got punched out and bled all over the floor. And the ambulance came and took her away. And they're like, well, let's start the show.

[Carrot Top]

Jesus. That's just. What the. That's so weird. It's like Pittsburgh. We had done a show in Pittsburgh, and me and my crew went out to get a drink at this really, really just seedy bar in Pittsburgh, right downtown. It's snowing out. We go in this, a fight breaks out. It's only me, my. My two of my buddies on the crew and these two guys. And these two guys are. I could hear them starting to. You know what. The sound of a fight when you hear that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that.

[Carrot Top]

Just that weird noise. You're like, holy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And I turn around, this guy is beating literally the. Out of him. I mean, to the point where he's dead. The bartender knows him. Both, you know, Frank Frank, Bill. And he's looking over the bar. He's up, stop, stop. And the guy wouldn't stop. So he jumps over the bar, pulls him off. The guy is literally looks dead. He goes, ah, call a cab. A cab.

[Tom Segura]

Cab.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Cab.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I mean, you think of that guy, the guy's dead. They call a cab, you might be like, call a ambulance. The guy, a cab. That's Pittsburgh. Holy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Or just even in the summertime when people pass out in clubs during your shows. You know, like, they eat, they've been drinking. Oh, you get that in Vegas.

[Tom Segura]

Ever wonder where inspiration comes from?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

All the time.

[Tom Segura]

This is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is all the time. Where did you get your ideas from? From working in a mortuary when you were 15.

[Tom Segura]

Adolf Hitler.

[Carrot Top]

What do you mean by that, Ozzy? Not for Adolf Hitler had a. A charisma in a bad way. I know. I kind of admired him.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He was a freak.

[Carrot Top]

He was a lunatic. But he had so much.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Babe, is this in the folder of guys who love Hitler? We should start a whole new segment.

[Carrot Top]

That was so creepy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We've had so many people that admire Hitler. Like, there should be a folder now of dudes who love it because people reference him constantly.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I don't. I never have.

[Tom Segura]

Got to be honest. Never thought.

[Carrot Top]

How'd you get your start? Well, what made you get into comedy? It means something different to guys like Hitler.

[Tom Segura]

Why do I have Hitler's picture in the.

[Carrot Top]

Behind my desk? Arguably the best salesman that ever lived. How do you get 60, 70, 80 million people?

[Tom Segura]

The genocide. 10 million people.

[Carrot Top]

Either those 10 million people had to do something terrible, which wasn't the case, or you got to be a slick. I mean, and he was okay.

[Tom Segura]

And that's why I have his photo behind.

[Carrot Top]

That's why I have his photo behind my desk. Like. Yeah, the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I did a Gene Simmons show one time. It reminds me of everything. Kind of gets you into a theme. Yes. We love you. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Friend of the show.

[Carrot Top]

I. I invented the. I can't do a good Gene Simmons. But he says, yeah. He says we're filming at his house and for a show. And I. I was walking around and, you know, I'm messing with him because he's. He's so. He could. He's. He's so easy to.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So I. I said, I'm. You know, the cameras are with me. He says, we have, you know, anything kiss related, we have. And I said, yeah, I see that. He goes, no name anything, and we have it. So I said, all right. Of course we have Kiss condoms. You have a Kiss casket. So I said, I, I ran out of things to ask. I knew he has a, you know, problem. Blow up doll. Kiss. Blow up doll everything. So finally the camera's there. He says, I said, now, I want to be deadly honest with you, and I hope, don't hope I don't offend you, because you're probably not going to find this very nice. But I, I, I've never heard of your band, but apparently you are very successful. And he's like, never heard of Kiss? And I said, no, see, that's what I'm saying. I don't, I'm not trying to, like, I'm not saying in the mean way. I just. You have, you must have done well. I just, I don't know. I don't know the band. I, I've seen this logo and things. I didn't know it was a band. And he's just looking at me like, you don't know who? I said, no, I know. I said, I know, I know. Hanson.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh. And he was like, hanson. I swear to God, he's like, hanson. And I said, yeah, you know, bop. I said, I know that guy. Those guys, guys, they're really good. He just looked at me and the camera guys are shaking because they know I'm with him. Finally, he's like, you're kidding with me? I said, yeah, I'm completely kidding. Of course I know who Kiss. I go to the restroom and he says, you go in the restroom? And I go in there and there's a Beatles assigned Beatles album on the ground. On the ground by the commode.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh.

[Carrot Top]

So I'm like, what the fuck's that? So I go out and I said, hey, I got a question. Now that I know you're. I know who Kisses. Why do you have a signed Beatles album? He goes, oh, that's very observational of you. I said, well, why? He says, because I don't respect them. They didn't own the rights to their music. Say they are nothing. And then I'm like, what? But he was serious because he has a marketing thing. And then I just saw him on a podcast maybe a week ago, and he says, the best band in the world were the Beatles. And I'm like, fuck. Seriously, I don't know if he changed his mind. When I maybe change his mind, I said, can I have the, Can I take it? Because I'll take the signed Beatles album.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Gene is a great catalyst.

[Carrot Top]

Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He respects money making and.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He was he was a great guest.

[Carrot Top]

He was great.

[Tom Segura]

He was awesome.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, he's wonderful. Wonderful.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's so funny.

[Tom Segura]

So tell me, like, as far as what's in the. What's in the case today, what do you have?

[Carrot Top]

I don't even know.

[Tom Segura]

You don't even know?

[Carrot Top]

No, I know some things I brought. I was doing the Tony show, of course. He was like, please, please, please bring. Bring your little babies. So I brought a few. This one is brand new. I mean, the last night I tried it, it worked, but I had never done it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

And whenever I used to do a show, especially tonight show, that was my thing, is to always make one backstage. That's never been tested backstage. Oh, yeah. Before the show, before rehearsal, I wouldn't rehearse it, and I would go back in the green room and I'd build it. And sometimes Jay would come in and say again? I said, I'm just making. Oh, you're fixing it? I said, no, I'm making. I've never. And he's like, you've never done it? I said, yeah. Like every comic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Practices their. Their. But I don't. That was my. My thing. It gave me adrenaline.

[Tom Segura]

Sure. So the rush.

[Carrot Top]

But it. But I did it last night. It did good. So the joke first, the setup is guys. A lot of guys, when they get drunk, they punch a wall, right? And that's what happened. I heard a friend of mine backstage. What happened in your hand? He's so, what'd you do to it? He's always gotten something wrong with him. What would you do to your hand? He said, I mad. And I punched the fucking wall. I said, you punched the wall? Jesus Christ. He goes, yeah, I fucking. I broke. I broke his hand when he hit the wall. I said, well, you shouldn't. So I thought, it's got to be a joke. So I said, they should have a beer. A beer with a stud finder on it so you can find out where the. Where the. Where to punch.

[Tom Segura]

That's very funny.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. And then Tony's like, I mean, it was great. And then later on, he's like, so is that how you do it? You just. You just take something and tape to it? I said, no, I had to build. I had to find an actual buzzer bell. This part's completely different than to see the buzz.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

This didn't have a bink a thing on it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And this had to be wired into this. And then it took. This is the NASA. This is NASA, right?

[Tom Segura]

This is what I want to ask you Though the airport security, though.

[Carrot Top]

What the is it.

[Tom Segura]

What is this?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So this you.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, it's Carrot Top. It's okay. No, it's a bomb. No, it's Carrots Top. It's fine.

[Tom Segura]

You came up with this. It works. Will you. Like, like, because it's new. New stuff's always fun, right? So like, will it be. You'll be like, I'll do this now for a few weeks and then decide whether I want to keep it or. It'll always just kind of be around.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, well, since it's working and it's. It'll be around for a bit. You know, I get to build it. I used to do on the. When I did the road shows, I would have it called Carrot Classics. Exactly what it says in the lid there. It would be all my classics. I've been doing it 40 years, so people that would have seen me in the late 80s, you know, I'd say, hey, here's some stuff, you know, that might. It's still relevant. And then people that are 15 year olds would be like, well, that's cool. It's just, you know, so that would be. Or I do a new trunk I have. So this is all brand new and it's kind of fun because it really is new. And. And the crowd will tell you if it sucks or not. Pretty much.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, how important is getting luggage to places for you? It's got to be.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, it's a night supreme. Yeah. And I've lost it before, of course. I was. And this is great. I'm on an airplane leaving Charlotte, North Carolina. It's like 6, 5:30 in the morning. I was going to do Regis and it's live, you know, live with Regis, which I always thought was funny. Like, is that show live? It's called Live.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So I go and I said to them, like, please don't keep an eye on my luggage. It's like my, my, My whole thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, we got it. I said, it's a. It's a trunk with flowers on it. You cannot miss it. Please make sure. And I'm all dead honest. I get on the plane and I'm. I'm still nervous. I got my little notebook and I'm just. And I'm just looking out. It's like raining. I just kind of look out the window, so it's not even sunlight yet. And I see my trunk going on the belly of the plane next to. Of our plane. And if I had to look, I just looked over and I was like, what the. And they're closing the door. I'm like, wait. And she's like, sir. I said, wait, wait. I said, my. The. My bag is going on the other plane.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

And she's like, well, I. You know, all bags look alike. Are you sure it's yours? I said, it's either. It's either my trunk or Donnie Marie's fucking. You know, it's. It's 60s flower. It's my trunk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And so the pilot was nice at the stop, and they knew I was doing the show, and they stopped, they got it back on, and people were on the plane. They're all busy. Sorry. Waiting on Carrot Top flowered luggage. Sorry, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Have you caught that, though?

[Carrot Top]

I caught it. Amazing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Have you ever not had your bag?

[Carrot Top]

No, I think. Well, we had like a blizzard, snow things one time where we got close, I think. But no, we've always. I think we always made it. Yeah, because we would usually back in the day, you know, I would. I would fly now. We. We drive with it. Her ship. If we do road shows, it's on the bus or on the truck. So we have it all.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Have you ever sold these gadgets? Like, do you ever.

[Carrot Top]

No, but I've had some that I have been ripped off and, you know, stolen from me. My. And my friends are always like, didn't you do that? I'm like, yeah, like in 87, I did this prop and then, you know.

[Tom Segura]

And then some other someone.

[Carrot Top]

No, not a comic usually. It's a company. Like, hey, you know, at the Home Depot, you can get one. And one in particular. I brought it because it was so. I was so proud of it. And it wasn't a funny. The crowd would laugh, but it was more like, you know, the crowd would get in this reaction. Like, instead I said, right, but it was funny. I'll show you. So. And it's so elementary. It's like when I got my dad's and brain toilet paper. Right. A dispenser. Yeah, it's so. It's so. You'll be like, this is so weird. So a lot of people like toilet paper under the roll.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

All right. That's a big debate.

[Carrot Top]

And some people like it over the roll. Yeah, right. And that's great. You start that with the crowd. Many people like it over the roll. Half the crowd, I believe, under the roll. Ah, exactly. So that's why I said, I made this toilet paper dispenser. So if you want it under, it goes under, Right. And if you want it over, you just flip it and it goes over.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And the crowd would go. I go, right? And they would go, dude. And I'm like, yeah. And it was just. It was. But then you see a thing. I forget. One of my friends said it was a commercial. Guy's like, that's why I invented the toilet paper flipper. I said, even called the toilet paper flipper.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's son of a.

[Tom Segura]

You should have sued that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's such a good idea.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, no, it is. I know there's been. There's been a lot of them. I had a baseball bat during wherever the strike was. The baseball strike. 94 maybe, where the baseball players were all on strike and nobody was getting hits. It was horrible. So I made a bat. When you'd swing it, it was a little piece of wood that had a hinge and it would go. It would make a pop. And it was so element, right? Yes. This is a bat. So you feel like you're getting a hit or sound like you're. At least it sounds like this. Getting hits. And whammo has a bat now where you swing it and it goes.

[Tom Segura]

You know, Wow.

[Carrot Top]

I might sue Ammo about that. Toilet paper guy might not have. But.

[Tom Segura]

But the Whammo guys, they got something. They got something for you.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, well, I think the statue of limitation, right? I mean, I did it in the 80s though, right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I feel like you could single handedly have like a Spencer's. Remember that story Spencer's, dude, you could open the Carrot Top store in Vegas like at the Luxor, bro, and just sell.

[Carrot Top]

Holy. Oh, that's not a bad idea.

[Tom Segura]

That's actually a very good.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Thank you, blondie. Every now and then.

[Tom Segura]

Every now and then she comes up with something.

[Carrot Top]

I like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You could sell all the.

[Carrot Top]

You could. There's a lot of the stud finder. Right?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Just for.

[Carrot Top]

Just to have.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. It's so funny.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, what's this is for? Oh, any. Here you go.

[Carrot Top]

I just got done venting over seven twinks in Brooklyn.

[Tom Segura]

Now my go to strat is when they see the bolts, they're just going to come up to you and ask you for it. These guys, you don't need to hold back because they are experienced bottoms. It's an amazing time. Definitely be on prep, though.

[Carrot Top]

What the. What was that? I don't know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What do you think?

[Carrot Top]

What does that even mean? I just got finished banging seven twinks and they see the bulge and now I'm gonna get on prep.

[Tom Segura]

But. But make sure you're. Yeah, you're prepped. Make sure you're clean and ready to go.

[Carrot Top]

Or is he mean. Prep the prep.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Make sure your B holes are ready for me. What do you think, Annie?

[Tom Segura]

I think Carrot Top summed it up. What the.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, that. Is that. Was that. Where did that. That just come from? A live thing?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No, it's the HIV prep.

[Carrot Top]

That's what I said, prep.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, sorry.

[Carrot Top]

So it's probably the prep. And now I'm definitely going to get on prep. Well, you better be. Now if you just bang seven Twinks.

[Tom Segura]

I thought it just meant seven, man. Seven is.

[Carrot Top]

I never even ate seven Twinkies before. Right?

[Tom Segura]

That's insane.

[Carrot Top]

Jesus.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Your refractory period, I mean, what's going on with.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's like 20.

[Tom Segura]

He's ready to go.

[Carrot Top]

Damn. Full on.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know what's crazy? I would not have guessed any of those guys were gay.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, imagine. Imagine sharing that house for, like a month.

[Carrot Top]

That's like backstage at my. My show, isn't it? That's right before the show, my crew comes down, you kiss them all.

[Tom Segura]

How big of a crew do you. If you do go do a road show, how big is that crew?

[Carrot Top]

We got. Well, like six or so. We got.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Video, sound.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

Prop me, stage.

[Tom Segura]

And is that like, pretty much what's a Vegas crew, too, or is it much bigger?

[Carrot Top]

We have. We have my. My normal crew, plus the union crew. All right, so we got about 12. Something like that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

Working.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's great.

[Carrot Top]

But there's a lot. There is. There's a lot. You know, there's more. This production to the show. I mean, like, there's lights. There's strobe lights and fog machines and video wall. And so it's an interactive kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Thing. That's what's kind of hard when I go on the road, too. It was, you know, a comic shows up, there's a mic there ready in a stool, and I'm like, I gotta bring a semi full of. You know. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, that's a lot.

[Carrot Top]

That's a lot.

[Tom Segura]

That is a lot.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I respect you so much, though. It's such like a. Like, you go for it. And I think there was a time in comedy where it was like, whatever, I don't care. I don't. I'm not trying. It's like, well, then why are you doing this?

[Carrot Top]

You should try.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You should try to be funny.

[Carrot Top]

That's the point. I think that's part of the. Yeah, try. I mean, at least try.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Write a punchline.

[Carrot Top]

We had some. I Know, we had. There was a couple guys last night, you know, that. That show that. It was kind of shocking because the. The ones that really were funny. How long you been doing it? They said, you know, a year. And the one that weren't fun. How long you been doing. It's like, you know, seven years. I'm like, seven years. You know, I think maybe you should stop. But you don't. You don't tell them that. You don't tell them that. But I mean, you know, if you're seven years in and that's it, dude.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I did it one time. I did the show one time where the guy came out and was like, you know, he had. There's a certain type of stage presence that somebody has. Oh, automatically, right? And I was like, oh, this guy's got stage presence. And then his set went sideways and we're like, how long you been doing it? He was like, 15 years. We were like, you've been doing this 15 years? He's like, yeah. Like, bro, this.

[Carrot Top]

You gotta.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta focus maybe, or just stop.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, stop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So depressing.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fifteen years. Yeah. And, yeah, right away they have the present. And sometimes, like, the interviews went better than their set. Yeah, but they interview. They.

[Tom Segura]

They.

[Carrot Top]

They're really quick and savvy. That's good too, right? Because if their set's good and their interview's not that good, it breaks up. But they're both right sometimes. The kid last night was really good.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What do you do for fun? I feel like. Yeah, like, what's your hobby?

[Carrot Top]

I fly to Austin and do Joe Rogan. And you and Kiltoni.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, what do you do? Like, during the day, all day. What are you doing?

[Carrot Top]

I. I'm very boring. I get up and I water my little courtyard and I water and blow all the leaves and water that get everything all pretty plant stuff.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm a gardener. I'm into hydroponic gardening.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I just do some too. Too much, and then I'll go to lunch. And that's usually when I kind of think of stuff. I don't. I don't write. I never sit down. I never bring a writing book ever.

[Tom Segura]

Just kind of your mind just goes, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And if it's really good, I'll night on a napkin or something somewhere. But I don't. I don't. I never. I never write ever.

[Tom Segura]

And that. Is that pretty much daily where you're trying to, like.

[Carrot Top]

I don't force myself to. No, absolutely not. That's why I think it helps too I have friends that always. They'll great comics do, but they'll say, you know, I'm, I'm writing all weekend. I'm like, oh, like for a sitcom? Like, no, just writing. I'm like, I don't, don't ever sit down and write because forcing myself has got to just come. And most of the time it happens socially, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Flying here yesterday, the guy next to me and then this is just. It turns into a joke. But I didn't write it, it just happened. The guy next to me said, I don't want to bother you. They always say that, so you're not bothering me. He says, you and I have something in common and I'm this old guy. I said, oh, what are we? I'm thinking, you know, we both have some NASA related something. I said, oh, what do we have in common? He says, both 65. And I said, 65. I said, I'm not 65. He goes, oh, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm born in. I said, well, born in is different than. Yeah, you're born in 65. Yeah, you started with that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's good.

[Carrot Top]

We do have something come. Yeah, Dumb, right? So then I just said this stupid prick. So I, I said that. He said, oh, is that going on your show? I said, yeah. Oh, no, I'm not gonna say who it is. I said, no, let me just get a picture real quick.

[Tom Segura]

Say who it is. Who the.

[Carrot Top]

No, here's the guy. I mean, this is the dumb. Yeah, yeah, A lot of things happen. Just, you know, probably you guys too, when you, you don't force to write a joke. Sometimes it just. Dude, a behavioral thing happens.

[Tom Segura]

So much of it comes from that.

[Carrot Top]

On a plane last weekend I was going to Florida and I, and, and went up to the guy, can we get a picture of the flight attendants before we land? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, I get up to go and they're like, oh, wait, wait, let me get ready. And they were like powdering their nose. And I said, no, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go smoke a cigarette. I'll be right back. And they just lost it. They just thought that was the funniest thing ever. I said, I'm just gonna go smoke a cigarette right back. Like, you can't smoke in the bed. You can't. Like no, just one. But that, that can be a bit just by.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

By. By doing it and stupidly. And then. Yeah, they were like, you can't smoke, man. I've been on planes where they do that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're such an entertainer. I really. I respect that so much.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, thank you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Like my hero. I love Phyllis. Stellar.

[Carrot Top]

She was. My God, how did you ever get to meet. I did. You know what's strange? I played. I was going to Florida Atlantic University.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I've done that.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. That's why I went to school.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And Boca Raton. Right. I mean, you're. You're a broke college kid. And they have valet parking at Publ.

[Tom Segura]

And they have a bunch of aeronautical stuff there, right?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at fu. And they had. Phyllis Diller came to. To our school to perform, and I was blown away. It was. She just crazy good. And someone had choose. They had the open. They had the old limo.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And like a big old. Old, you know, 70s limo they had. She was there walking her out, and the guy that union build said, hey, this is our resident comic. And I'm like, what? I. I had done comedy twice on that. On the comedy. I'm not a comic yet. You know, I'm up there doing George Carlin's jokes, and I'm not doing jokes of my own. Anyway, she says, oh. And she's got her big wig and her cigarette and it was pouring down rain. She goes get in and she. I go in the limo with her and they close the door and she's like, well, that. She's just. It's just amazingly like, do you. Well, tell me your best choke. And I said, oh, right. So I'm like, well, I don't really have. Whatever. I said, I have this one joke where I come out. I had a. I had a. My hair was even bigger out here, and I would come out with a red wig on, and it was a carrot top. And I'd come out with the wig on, and everybody's like, ah. And then I would take it off, and it was the same hair.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And right when I said that to her, I said, well, I have this joke because I. I said, I take. I have a wig. I come on just like, you know, And I come out and I pull it off, and the same hair is there. She goes, that is so funny. And she takes her wig. She goes, you know what? She takes her wig off. She's like, I'm fucking stealing that from you.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. I said, please do. Right? Please do. And, yeah. She just was. Her long cigarette and it was. I just couldn't believe it. I'm in a limo with Phyllis Dillard. I was writing her a joke.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So she gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic, and it changed my life and she changed me forever. But what she said to me was, I was really interesting. You say that because she goes, christina, your hello is everything. For instance, I go out there and I go, shocking, isn't it? And because she has that big wig. But that's so important. You're hello. And if that's your first joke, a visual gag, she must have died. She must have loved that with you.

[Carrot Top]

Well, she said she's still love it. Yeah. I'm taking that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

I said, you can. Please do. I'd be. I'd be honored. I'd be thrilled to death. Yeah. She was brilliant, right? Class cloud. I mean, so clever. My God. You still watch the clips of her on Instagram. It's timeless.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, Joan Rivers was another incredibly funny. My God. Incredibly funny.

[Tom Segura]

I want to show you some of our props and see if anything.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

While I grab this here, I'll just. Somebody. Another prop guy was sending a video.

[Carrot Top]

Hi there. My name is Pete. And today I'm going to be doing.

[Tom Segura]

Demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is.

[Carrot Top]

It incorporates a power drill. Oh, God.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Cool, right? Are you following so far?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, so far. I think I know use the cordless. I think you can get that at the Home Depot, but yeah. Wow. What the.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Just consider this for your closer.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, this would be rad.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Not a lot you could do after this one, though.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, you kind of. You got kind of have to close on that one. And I just had a really good time.

[Tom Segura]

That's Uncle Terry.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. It's filled with come.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, dude.

[Carrot Top]

Imagine. That's what it should be done. He gets done. He goes. And that's how I start my boarding. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine closing.

[Carrot Top]

Protein, protein. A protein shake. My own protein shake.

[Tom Segura]

So fantastic. Okay.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, what do you got here? Oh, my goodness. All right. Or I'm already. Oh, we need that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know, right?

[Carrot Top]

Oh, you don't know what these are?

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I mean, that's definitely.

[Carrot Top]

This is something you can.

[Tom Segura]

A fun mask.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. You. When you're blowing some guy behind a dumpster in 6th Street.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Seven twinks. And put a mask on one of them.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. This, I guess, is a beer bong, right?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah, it's a beer bong.

[Carrot Top]

Why did we use that? Or like an anal funnel?

[Tom Segura]

I don't remember.

[Carrot Top]

I hope not. I'm hoping it's a beer bong. Let's see. It could be some. You could come up with some thing. There's so much. Oh, there is another. Oh, this is. While you're searching for your. This is one that we. We had planned for. Oh, she's. Is this all your. Or someone gave you this? I mean, is this your five minutes?

[Tom Segura]

This is your five minute opening.

[Carrot Top]

This is your five minute opening?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. What is that?

[Carrot Top]

These are going on my trunk. Keep it.

[Tom Segura]

Anything you want is yours.

[Carrot Top]

Little black dicks can't have it. Oh, this reminds me of one that I had a lot of cock. This is one that. I just told this story last night. I was on the Tonight show and I had a. You kind of go back to how long ago was when gay marriage was legal in, like, four states, right? So I thought, oh, it's a fun way to present it. So I'd have. I had a map of the United States and where every state that was legal marriage, I had a little. It was penises on springs. We go like, you know, he hold it up. And I go, here's the four states. So people know that gay. The marriage is legal. So the Tonight show people like, well, you can't. You know, it kills in rehearsals. Sound check. And the lady from Standards and Practices always hated. Loved me, but hated me. She'd walk over and she's like, scott, I. What you can't do. I said, they're in springs. They're not real dicks. They're like, they're cute. They're little. They're like little kids. Little Cox in springs. Come on, NBC. Come on. Nobody cares. So they're like, no, you can't do that. So I said, okay, can I come up with another idea? So I went and I got the prop department cut out pictures of Ryan Seacrest, his face. And I put him on all the four states. And now it made even worse because Jay's like, he's a good friend of mine. I can't do that. You know, I can't make fun of Ryan. Ryan, it's not gay. I said, no, no one thinks it's a joke, that it'll get a laugh. You know, you can't. Or I put Elton John. Is that better? Put Elton John. But then it's not funny. You're picking on someone. That's not.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So what are you doing? I, I, no, I end up not doing the.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you didn't do the bra.

[Carrot Top]

They wouldn't let me do it right. So then I thought, it's not funny if I put, like, Elton, because then it doesn't make it right. It's gotta have it. Something else. Yeah, it's gonna have this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Wait, so do you recognize literally all these, like, is this just. Is this boring for you because you've seen all these things a million times, these objects. Yeah, like you've seen everything at this point, right?

[Carrot Top]

I've never seen that. One day.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Stop. What about that, that type of dick? Is that like a strap on dick?

[Carrot Top]

Why is it several of these?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Why is there a loop in that?

[Carrot Top]

Your balls go in there. Oh, so it's like a cock ring.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh.

[Carrot Top]

But it would make no sense to have that. And because your dick would be a dick and another dick makes no sense. So whoever invented that, I'm not quite sure what that's for.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what that would be for.

[Carrot Top]

Yes. There you go. Finally something in my color. Oh, there you say home records. That was gonna be great. You know, there was a. There's a tick tock that everyone in the world has sent me because it talks about gingers.

[Tom Segura]

And we were just about to literally on the tip of my tongue.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, did it say that one?

[Tom Segura]

Well, no, I wanted to ask. Okay, tell, tell.

[Carrot Top]

No, I just say in the show. I said, you know, people love tick tock. This is the most trending tick tock. Roll it. And they roll it. And you've seen it, which every ginger as black. If you're.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Carrot Top]

If you're red hair and you have a. You're black.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And always. The crowd always laughs. I just kind of look at the crowd like. And I look down. I said, I. You know, for years I would always ask my mom, why do I have a big black dick? She says, you're blessed. And it becomes a callback throughout the whole show. And my big black dick. And my big. So when you said, then I get my big black dick.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, this was our question because we have a comic friend who one time a redhead guy and he was like, somebody call me a ginger.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we were like, okay. He was like, yeah, that's like calling me a homo. And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, yeah, that's super insulting. I was like, I thought that's just a. I'm.

[Carrot Top]

I have to be absolutely honest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I don't like the word ginger either.

[Tom Segura]

Tell me.

[Carrot Top]

I don't know why. It's just. I would say, oh, you're redhead or you're this. But ginger is. I don't know. No, it just says you're ginger. I don't know. And then they, they One of Those cartoons did it, which was great. The gingers or it was south park or one of those. Forgot what. What the dope. But I just don't like the word ginger either. Yeah, okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Maybe because it's all British and gay sounding.

[Carrot Top]

I don't know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Ginger.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Like it's so.

[Carrot Top]

Anything British is actually fine with me or. Yeah, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's a Brit thing.

[Carrot Top]

I don't know if it just. Yeah. Ginger. Ginger.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Ginger.

[Carrot Top]

I just never. I don't think it was around when I was. You know, when I grew up.

[Tom Segura]

No one called me ginger, so it kind of evolved.

[Carrot Top]

You're redheaded or something. They came up with ginger somehow. But I'm. I'm not a fan of the word ginger. I don't get offended by it, though. Right. Is this. It's got something else in it. This comes off, too.

[Tom Segura]

What is that?

[Carrot Top]

I don't know. This one's interesting looking. I don't like that comes off.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That is horrifying.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What the hell?

[Carrot Top]

This whole table looks horrifying. If people just would walk in, like, what the. Have you guys been doing that right there?

[Tom Segura]

I feel like there's something to do with that.

[Carrot Top]

Well, I have something similar with a head. Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

But it's. It's not. It's. It's more cute if I can find it. Now, this one was. Oh, this one killed last night. I said it's the new Cowboys helmets, but it's only for, you know, it's topical for tonight.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Carrot Top]

In Dallas, why not? With the home team, of course. But there was one that I did that revolves a baby. Oh, these were. These were pretty cool. These are clever. These are boots that I made where the soles are reversed so you can't trace your steps.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

This was an OJ joke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I made boots for oj. Who's wearing these? So they were going the wrong. Where'd he go? He went that way.

[Tom Segura]

That's great. Bundy would have had so many more under his belt if he had those.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

True story. Yeah. Is that how they got him?

[Tom Segura]

No, but I know those guys. Think about that.

[Carrot Top]

Horrible, dirty baby. This is a really poor, really old baby. I'm sorry, honey. It's time to change you.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Carrot Top]

So when people breastfeed right? In public, people get upset when people are breastfeeding in public. So I thought you should just have you make this to put over the baby's head so it looks like you're just holding the baby. You know, they don't know your breastfeeding, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that is like.

[Carrot Top]

What's going on? Nothing. Just hanging out. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

My favorite would be if that's your only. Like, if you were just like, I have one joke and you did that, it would scare so many people. Yeah, they like, this guy's totally unstable, man.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's the filthiness of the babies.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. That's really gross. I didn't realize it till now. They wouldn't have as good lighting in it. The luxo, than you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's real serial killer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No, I. I don't.

[Tom Segura]

I'm looking for something.

[Carrot Top]

This is. This is your. Like, you're just your home feed. This is what you watch every.

[Tom Segura]

When you're bored.

[Carrot Top]

He's all.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We haven't watched this in years.

[Carrot Top]

I know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I forgot how.

[Tom Segura]

But he's. He's trying.

[Carrot Top]

Damn it. Oh, it. God. What is he. What is he doing? What if he's not doing anything horrible? What if he's, like, trying to change the. You know, he's trying to screw something on. I don't. Trying to put the hose.

[Tom Segura]

Damn it.

[Carrot Top]

Damn it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And you know what's interesting now that I didn't think about 10 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He could have just made a new tape.

[Tom Segura]

He could have.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, he didn't have to air this version, right? He could have waited.

[Carrot Top]

He could have done it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Do it. Do it.

[Carrot Top]

See, again, going back to, you try.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You just try, bro. Don't be lazy.

[Tom Segura]

Just film another, you know, I mean, like, just regroup. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Give yourself.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, well, I came. I gotta post it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I gotta post it straight away.

[Carrot Top]

This is an old one.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Carrot Top]

This is. But clever, right? It's a. It would. Let me just. Let me be the judge of that. Right? It's when you hang a picture. I keep looking all the pictures in here, right? Yeah. They're never. Yours are great. You. They're all straight. But I made a picture frame that was made out of level, so it's always straight. So the picture goes in here. You put on the wall. It's always straight, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That's another one that. You gotta copyright this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You gotta sell that. You know why? That. That's like everybody's joke.

[Carrot Top]

That was like a joke. You just made me think. You put a picture of Elton John on and you said, and this one's never straight. We just wrote it right here, baby, now. Or you have this one. It's never straight.

[Tom Segura]

Perfect. Okay. Do you want to show him some of your talks?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Speaking of tik Tok. I mean, I curate them, but I also. I like to showcase the marginalized communities.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I like to give a voice to. To those that are underrepresented.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so she selected these, just so you know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Don't blame this on me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong here. We need trans people.

[Carrot Top]

People.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'll tell us it. The message isn't wrong. I do feel like a taxi pulls up.

[Carrot Top]

Why do we need trans people?

[Tom Segura]

I do think no one's catching on to the song, though.

[Carrot Top]

I think it was really. It really was catchy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know why?

[Carrot Top]

But.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But you had the intuition to add a beat, right? And had. She had a friend, right? Who was like. And then if she looked around, she was like.

[Carrot Top]

And then the symbols come in. The cowbell and the dumpty could be. And then it's. It's a hit.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to scroll forward 30 seconds and see what happens. Let's see.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Trans people. We love trans people. Trans people belong.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, it keeps going.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It just keeps going.

[Carrot Top]

All right, but there are any people out there.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It feels like it's in your wheelhouse. What is she doing?

[Carrot Top]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

She came up with something.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay, Trying these airplane seat dividers so you don't have to. That's the caption.

[Carrot Top]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I saw these airplane seats sneeze guards.

[Tom Segura]

On Amazon, so I have to check them out.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

There's a cute case here in the middle right off bags which are pretty packable. And then. I don't like you.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. What the. Imagine sitting next to that dude. Imagine that. You're like, could you take your plastic.

[Tom Segura]

You would lose your. If you said no.

[Carrot Top]

There would be. There'd be in the headlines. Yeah, Carrot Top kills somebody on a plane. I'm all over the news cameras, hopefully.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But I feel like you could have improved.

[Carrot Top]

I used to have. Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yours would have been way better.

[Carrot Top]

It has to be something that would be not obtrusive to the other.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yes.

[Carrot Top]

Right. I used to have a. Literally a head. This is how often I can remember the goddamn joke. But it was a lot of airplane ones. People would always say, hey, you could be on your phone, right? You could be whatever on the. Talking, texting. And people are just, excuse me. You're like, I'm it. So I would have a Headphone. They had a hand that would go like this. Off. That's right. They start talking. I just hit the button, and it'd be like, you know, you. Or another one that said something on it would flip down. But that's. Yeah, it's a little stupid. You gotta wealth. Well, think. And the. The airline wouldn't let you use those. Of course, ma'. Am. You. You can't. You got to take that down. You said using your word. Excuse me. You can't. You can't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I mean, could you imagine if somebody did?

[Tom Segura]

I do feel like the. The. Not for sneezing, but, like, to avoid conversations, I just always put earbuds.

[Carrot Top]

They don't. They still go like this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they do. I just. I'm always like.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But he's got the point that it needs to be the cans.

[Carrot Top]

I used to have one that slide like a shade that went down on my hat.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Carrot Top]

It was built in.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It would go, brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Carrot Top]

So just like something like we go blinders. Like a horse blinders. Exactly. What the. But it had to have movement. Had movement. So I talk and I said, okay, this chicken.

[Tom Segura]

Look how long. Imagine setting this.

[Carrot Top]

That was a new one. That's Travis. Travis Kelce's playbook, Right? Uhhuh. And this is. This is their. Their prenup. So it's like.

[Tom Segura]

That's funny, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

It's just brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

I bet it does look like the phone book.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I hope so.

[Carrot Top]

Wait, we got one. Since we were talking about trans people.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, well, she's got way more scrap.

[Carrot Top]

This is a coffee cup for lens. Oh, yeah. Good morning, Barbara. How are you? Good, good. I looked at. I looked at the numbers this morning.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love it. I love you. God bless you. You're just very nice. Okay, well, now I don't have an armrest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

See?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You stupid selfish twat.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Carrot Top]

See what has meant well?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Dangerous in the skies. After your mouth stops bleeding, you adjust the buckle.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I can't even imagine that, though it's unbearable.

[Carrot Top]

I would just make. I would give her a. Like a. Like build up a box for her.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, Just put the whole box over her.

[Carrot Top]

That's great, right? Not even. Not even holes for her to breathe. Just. Just a box. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, clear.

[Carrot Top]

You could just see her.

[Tom Segura]

Let's also point out the fact that, you know, she's like, I don't have my armrest anymore yet. Neither does the person sitting next to you. Now they don't get to use the armrest.

[Carrot Top]

I had an old pro. It was an actual Armrest from an airline that I. I was going through a junkyard, and I said, this is an airplane armrest, like, one of the armrests. And it had the. It had whatever. It had the ashtray. And I used to do that prop. I said, you're on an airplane, you don't get your. You have an armrest. Bring your own armrest. And I used to stick it in. Like, I had it. I said, no, you can have that. I brought my own. And it was just so. Because it was real. And then I put. I remember it would have something. Music that would go to it, too. Like, I'm. It was a really clever prop, and it had, like, a sound thing built into it so I could bring my own music. And it'd go, I'm. You can have that one. I got mine.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I got mine.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love that.

[Tom Segura]

Clever.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Remember they used to give. Watching Netflix, and somebody said there was.

[Carrot Top]

A very loud bang on the door.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He went out. And then I kind of peeked out the window, saw him talking to a sheriff, and I didn't think anything of it. And then he came back in a few minutes later, kind of smiling a little bit. And I was like, what's going on? He goes, it's Simon.

[Tom Segura]

Simon, this might be your best ever. Something's like, there's somebody dying next door.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But I like how they edited it. I don't know how to make it go. Be quiet. So everything he needs.

[Carrot Top]

It does sound like someone's being murdered.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Got a lot to say.

[Tom Segura]

That's great, dude.

[Carrot Top]

That's just a good sound effect to have anywhere, right? You go to open your car instead of beep, beep, beep.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

God. That would actually stop somebody doing something.

[Tom Segura]

Or about your phone. Ring her. That would be a great notification. You got a text.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. It's. I got it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Hey, Mom?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Simon. Simon, you should date me because I'm so far out of your league. You would be lucky to date me. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Call me Beth. Only what kind of man am I looking for? I really don't know. Hopefully a good one. I have never been in love with anybody before. I don't even love my parents or any of my siblings.

[Carrot Top]

But every guy but I love you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Has been madly in love with me. And you will be in love with me, too.

[Carrot Top]

Unless you call me Elizabeth and I'll kill you. You just call me Beth.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Go to a restaurant. Get me drunk. Yeah, you can see if you could Keep up. I do smoke cigarettes. Yeah, but I don't care if you smoke cigarettes. The key to a good relationship with me is giving me space. I have a lot of pet peeves, but my biggest problem is leaving wet towels on the ground. I don't believe in soulmates.

[Carrot Top]

I don't really think all this video is birth control. You do realize this makes me not want to ever fuck anyone ever again.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Can I say something? I'm. I'm enraptured. I'd date her.

[Tom Segura]

You like her?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I think she's fantastic. No, I do like her sense of style. You know, a little arrogant.

[Carrot Top]

I like the craziness.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Is that. Is that what you're into?

[Carrot Top]

No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You don't like craziness?

[Carrot Top]

Crazy. No. No crazy. No crazy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You like, like, no talking.

[Carrot Top]

No talking. Yeah. Actually, not even having a mouth would be great. Just this. Just nothing. No expression, not even a mouth. Just. That's what. That'd be the perfect date, maybe. But women, hair on it. Put some girl. Put some girlish in it. You sit there, dinner, they don't say a thing.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What kind of ladies are you into?

[Carrot Top]

Once a while, you just.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

There we go. It's about right. There we go. There's the dark side.

[Tom Segura]

Amen, brother. That's what we're all looking for. That's.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. See, this is. This is a purse for women. But they have a restraining order against the guy that can show exactly how far they keep away.

[Tom Segura]

That's great. That's perfect.

[Carrot Top]

See, that's where an example of one that, like. I don't know how I. I thought of the joke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

Before, you know, someone said a restraint. I think there's a restraining order on anybody. And how far you. How far are you supposed to be away? And then I thought, oh, tape measure maybe.

[Tom Segura]

That's so funny.

[Carrot Top]

And then I thought, I want a purse. So I found the perfect purse. It fits right in there.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

God damn.

[Carrot Top]

But that would be one that. I don't really know how the. The brain went to. Thought of the idea first on that one. Not like the toilet.

[Tom Segura]

That's also totally evergreen. That could. You could do that in 30 years.

[Carrot Top]

Oh, right, right. Yeah. Timeless is great. I always. That's what a lot of the comics that I admired, like George Carlin, Joan Rivers. But we talk. Anybody. You go back and you can watch them. We're talking about Richard Parliss. Like, you watch him back 40 years, 50 years ago. A special. It's still relevant. Eddie Murphy's Delirium. It's still.

[Tom Segura]

Did you Have a relationship with Carlin. Did you know?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How was that?

[Carrot Top]

It was unbelievable. I mean it was nerve wracking because, you know, it's. Yeah. You never just sit. You're talking to George Carlin. You're like, holy. I'm talking to George Crown.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And he was wonderful and he loved my act, which is. Which, which really, really kind of what got me through a lot of the rough patches when people were really rifling at me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I would see, you know, my mom would say when I was a kid I got picked on, you know, because I had a big black dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

She would say, she would say like, you know, I got picked on again. She's like, who, who picked on you? I said, you know, Tommy. She's like, consider the source. Okay. Yeah, he's. He's an. Tommy, he's an everyday to you. So I would think that with, with comics when they would give me a hard time, I'd be like, but George Carlin liked me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So you had to find who the. Are you? Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

So you'd find that moment where you're like, you know, a guy. A guy in YouTube or some whatever. The Internet back in the day, you know, Carrot Top hacks piece of whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I would say George Carlin liked it. He would, he would die. He would, he would. And he would knew. He knew the act, which was weird. Like he watched me on, on the, the shows.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

See when I, when I met him, I said, I don't want to bother you. He's not. I said, I'm a com. He goes, you care a job. And I remember thinking, holy. He knew me. He says, God, you are great. And I just was. It was in an airport in Philadelphia and I didn't. I just was like, oh my God, that's. Thank you. And he said the cup joke. That's fucking brilliant. Right? And I'm like, my cup joke. He says, how do you come. And I said, oh, oh, the. And it was, it was clever. It was a. It was a telephone. You know, the cups and string. Cup of the string and the cup. Right. Hey, what's going on? You see it? I was watching a cartoon and it had that in the, in the cartoon. It was like, hey, what's going on, Timmy? And she was in a tree talking to a kid on a fort in another tree. And I was watching the cartoon and I thought there should be an updated version of that cup. And it's a. The new telephone has call waiting. So I had a cup that came out of the other cup for call waiting. So you'd say. You say, hey, what's going on? I have to. I have to call you back. Hey, what's up? It's call waiting. Another couple come out. So it was then had three cups came out for conference calling.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God.

[Carrot Top]

And then it became a bit. Right then it became like. And then a clear cup for caller id. I know what you pick up. And he was like, how the. Did you come up with that bit? And I'm like, well, how did you come up with stuff?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, bit. Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

He's like, yeah, our brains think differently. But he's like, that's brilliant. He was just. I had a party favor that had. For asthma people. It was an asthma thing, but had a. So people in asthma could celebrate on New Year's Eve. And he was just like, that's. Fuck. He just. He was. You know how. He would just be like, that's fucking great. How do you fucking have an. He's got a goddamn asthma thing with it. So he was great.

[Tom Segura]

That's all. Now, did you pick up on like.

[Carrot Top]

And I also. I studied him. I mean, of course, you know, the. Even the shit. I do that in my act all the time. And I always. I always reference that to the crowd because I do it four or five times in the show. It always gets a laugh. It's Carlin. But then later I say, people, you know that shit. It's Carlin. I took that from Carlin.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And he mentioned me in a special. And I show it in the clip in the show. It's so great. I said, we were watching. This is true. You're watching an HBO special with George Carlin. And he says, it cuts. I said, watch this. And they cut to Carlin. He's in a special. He says, I'm at the airport, and they asked me, who packed your bags? Did you pack your bags yourself? And Carlin goes, no, Carrot Top packed my bags. And it should. The crowd goes nuts. I go nuts. I said, you know, I'm. I bow down, but, you know, my forehead, cell phones. I mean, everyone in the world's like, did you see that special? Carlin mentioned you, and that's like one of those things. You're like, wow. You know, you just.

[Tom Segura]

Special. Special.

[Carrot Top]

And so it worked perfectly because I have all this. Packed your bags.

[Tom Segura]

When you got beat up a lot. Like you were saying, like, online or whatever, did you get. Did you have a sense of like, well, this is like. This is unmerited. This is just like, not like it became like sport. Like, anybody can just, like, have a reference for something. They don't even know what they're saying. Did it feel like that? Like. Like people are just.

[Carrot Top]

Well, I definitely felt unmerited because I thought what I was doing. Again, whether it's silly or no, when I first started doing comedy, the most important thing at least cherish people with not stealing people's material, especially back. You know, now there's thousands and thousands of comics out there. I was so proud of the fact that I had my own shtick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

I mean, I wasn't doing Gallagher. I wasn't doing Rip Taylor. I wasn't doing anything. I was doing inventive prop stuff and stand up. So it was a mixture of. But now the show's way more stand up in it because I think I've just gotten more comfortable people doing it. But, yeah, it was. Felt unmerited because I thought I'm doing my own.

[Tom Segura]

But did you also feel like. It feels like there's like a. Like a tide turning of people going, like, why are we giving this guy such a hard time?

[Carrot Top]

Oh, they were definitely tied. Turned at one point. Yeah. I think it was just. Yeah. One day. I just hear people are like, you know, you get the Shandlings and you get Bill Mars and people that come out of the woodwork and say, you know, that's great. They just had one. But the other day was somebody. It was Dana Carvey and. And what's. His neighbors. Just going on and on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

About how brilliant I am. And I was like, that's nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

But it took a long time to.

[Tom Segura]

Take a long time to get.

[Carrot Top]

You know, I always say that, you know, I. I've been doing this so long, it's like, you know, they. It's almost. I get. I finally get to go to the barbecue kind of thing, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

It's like, all right, we can invite him to the show.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool, man.

[Carrot Top]

He'd been in it so long. That's really what it is. I think I've been. I think they finally said, he's not going anywhere.

[Tom Segura]

I'm glad you're not going anywhere.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And what you do is so hard. I. I couldn't come up with a trunk full of visual.

[Carrot Top]

Yeah. No, it's just what I do, you know, I get. Right. I can't write a song, and some people can write.

[Tom Segura]

You could give me a month. And I don't think I would come up with. I don't think I would come up with one. Yeah, you Got to see Carrot Top live. Go to carrot top.com and six nights a week at the Lux store in Vegas.

[Carrot Top]

Six nights a week.

[Tom Segura]

Unbelievable.

[Carrot Top]

Just.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, this was a blast, dude.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you for having me. Thank you for all this fun.

[Tom Segura]

And of course, these are yours to take.

[Carrot Top]

Nice. Yeah, my trunk's already heavy enough. This is, this. I'll tell you my, my first prop I ever did.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No way ever did.

[Carrot Top]

And it wasn't mine, but it was the first thing I did on stage. I had gone to this club in Orlando in West Palm beach when I was at fau, it was every day on the radio, Comedy Corners. And I thought, I'm gonna go down there and audition. So I went down and I auditioned. I did George Carlin in every jokes that weren't mine. And the lady's like, where did you get these jokes? I'm like, george. I said, george. She goes, george. Well, you can't do that. You have to do your own joke. I said, oh, that sucks. You know, I thought, I thought this comedy thing was easy. I can just do jokes. So I thought I did my. I. I don't know what inspired me. I had this thing on the wall at my house, in my dorm. And so it became my first prop. I think you know how good I. I said I would show up. First thing I said, like, she said, hello. My first thing out was this. Hey. Oh, I had my stupid hair. I'd take that off and then I'd hold this up and I'd say, sorry, sorry I'm late. I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh. And then I'd say, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking sign?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And it just would kill. I said, it took me, it took me 20 minutes to get this fucking sign. 10 seconds to go through a window. And it was just like. Lady was like, that's great. Do you have any more like this? And I said, well, I can go steal more signs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And that's what I did. I went around town and I found all the signs that were, that were. That made no sense. Children at play. And it was a stick figure. I said, well, no wonder they slow. They don't have feet. And I just keep doing, you know, and people. The one was funny cuz I stole them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Carrot Top]

And secondly, they were signs that people would question.

[Tom Segura]

Like, and then you realize you, there's something in your head.

[Carrot Top]

The visual. Yeah, the visual aspect of it. And so I started. But the very leave you on this. We got to go. The Very first prop, I did 12, maybe 12, yeah. But I didn't do. Of course, I wasn't building props back then. It makes me laugh. My father was very, very an engineer and very, very particular about his tools. He had a shed that was. Every tool was outline numbered. Like, the hammer went there. And of course, the screwdriver wouldn't fit because it looks like a hammer, but it was like, everything, right? I borrowed his hammer one day. I had a fort in the backyard, and my dad came home from work and he says, where's my hammer? I said, I don't know. He says, well, it's got to be somewhere. It was just here this morning. I said, I don't know, dad. He went into my fort and he found it. Oh, I found. Yeah. He faces. He said, well, here it is. And I said. He said, what is just walking there all by itself? I said, I don't know, dad. So he went to work and he came home and I made this. I said, my dad came in. I said, dad, I think it did walk in there all by itself. And my dad's like, what the fuck? Now, what's great about this is. This is. This is really the hammer.

[Tom Segura]

That's the hammer.

[Carrot Top]

My dad was so pissed that I drilled. And then he says, what the fuck is this? I said, the hammer walked in there by itself, But I was like, 12.

[Tom Segura]

That's brilliant.

[Carrot Top]

And my dad didn't know I was going to be a prop comic, but, you know, brilliant. But I kept it. And this is going to be in my. In my prop. But that's so great. I mean, 12, right? And that's what I'm already. I'm already thinking, hey, let's this put.

[Tom Segura]

You did this at 12?

[Carrot Top]

Yeah, I found music. I found a Barbie doll that I had. No, that's.

[Tom Segura]

That's great, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's amazing.

[Carrot Top]

See, there's two jokes in there. I just found a Barbie doll that I had and then I. I cut it up. It's not Kendall. I mean, a Kendall. Kendall. Kendall, that's right. And the Barbie doll, Kendall. That's crazy. Makes no sense. Got a Nissan.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks again for coming in.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you guys for watching and listening, and we'll see you next week.

[Carrot Top]

Thank you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

On your bum I'm gonna come I'm gonna get on your bum I'm gonna come I'm gonna get on your bum.

[Tom Segura]

On your face you girl, you better know I'm gonna rock your world Now I'm in your.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Now I'm in your ass yeah I'm.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bump. I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bump. I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bump.

[Tom Segura]

It's you better know I'm gonna rock your world. You're such a nasty boy.