Charo Returns… And She's Got A New Show! | Your Mom's House Ep. 821

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House Ep. 821 - "Charo Returns… And She's Got A New Show!"

Release Date: July 30, 2025

Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Guest: Charo Segura (Tom's Mother)
Podcast Information Provider: YMH Studios

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1. Introduction and Guest Announcement

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky warmly welcoming listeners to "Your Mom's House." The primary highlight of this episode is the return of their beloved guest, Charo Segura, who brings exciting news about her brand-new podcast titled "Muy Mucha Charo," set to debut the following day.

Tom Segura [00:38]:
"Real exciting news that we want to... we'll get into more of it. But just so everybody knows, Charo, my mom, has a new podcast and it comes out tomorrow."

2. Personal Stories and Relationship Dynamics

The conversation takes a personal turn as Christina and Charo reminisce about a delightful family dinner they shared the previous night. Charo expresses her joy in being watched by Tom’s camera during meals, highlighting the unique family dynamic they share.

Charo Segura [02:04]:
"It's just a pleasure. I can't even describe it. You're sitting there and I'm having filet mignon, lasagna, every type of spaghetti, every kind of vegetable that I share with everybody because I'm very nice."

3. Charo's New Podcast

Charo delves into the inception of her podcast, discussing her initial uncertainties and the process of sharing her life story with listeners. Despite her reservations about humor, she emphasizes the sincerity behind her content.

Charo Segura [19:54]:
"The podcast is something I wasn't expecting number one. So I come here, I sit down, and I have no idea what to talk about because here is a podcast. I'm talking to myself. And so I guess I start by telling them my story."

Tom and Christina enthusiastically promote Charo's new venture, creating a teaser trailer that teases comedic sketches and personal anecdotes.

4. Humorous Psychological Evaluation

In a playful segment, Tom and Christina present Charo with a mock psychological evaluation, exaggerating her traits for comedic effect. This segment showcases the light-hearted and humorous rapport among the hosts and their guest.

Tom Segura [41:12]:
"You're clinically significant in two major categories: Negative affectivity and Disabilities. Dishibitionism. You're in the 99th percentile in both."

Charo Segura [43:35]:
"Then I look at him and I said, if you will only know my sister in law..."

5. Car Conversation and Driving Fears

The discussion shifts to Charo's apprehensions about driving, particularly on highways and expressways. The hosts brainstorm humorous incentives to encourage her to overcome her fears, including the tantalizing offer of a convertible if she manages a test drive from her home to Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Tom Segura [50:17]:
"If you can drive a convertible from Austin to Lake Charles, Louisiana, you can have that. You can have that car. I'm serious. I'm serious."

Charo Segura [58:07]:
"I must be desperate for bread today."

6. Comedic Sketch Ideas for Charo's Podcast

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to brainstorming and pitching outlandish and over-the-top comedic sketches for Charo's new podcast. The ideas range from violent and absurd scenarios to irreverent humor, highlighting the hosts' creative and often outrageous comedic styles.

Tom Segura [66:30]:
"Well, there's one where you... you're driving an ambulance, and then you throw up on them and then they're dead and they're healed."

Charo Segura [72:07]:
"And you throw up on them."

The hosts engage in back-and-forth banter, pushing the boundaries of humor while Charo responds with a mix of amusement and exasperation.

7. Technology and Companionship Segment

Towards the end of the episode, Tom introduces Melody, a customizable AI companion robot designed to provide social interactions and companionship. This segment blends technology discussions with the show's comedic tone.

Tom Segura [64:00]:
"She speaks various languages and she's built in a modular fashion so we can take off her face, replace it with another face, and have her speaking as a different character."

Christina Pazsitzky [65:48]:
"So I'll have her smile."

Charo reacts humorously to the idea of interacting with an AI version of Christina, maintaining the show's playful atmosphere.

8. Concluding Remarks and Teasers

The episode wraps up with Tom and Christina reiterating the launch of Charo's new podcast, encouraging listeners to tune in and support her project. They maintain the show's signature humor until the very end, leaving listeners with a sense of anticipation for Charo's upcoming content.

Tom Segura [76:45]:
"So the paramedic one, it is..."

Christina Pazsitzky [77:21]:
"How angry would your mom get? Throwing up. Let it grow and build. I like your burps the best because I feel like they always tell a story."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Tom Segura [02:26]:
  "That sounds like something somebody really well adjusted would say."

• Charo Segura [03:40]:
  "It's called mushy and you're not going to change it. And that mushy is a perfect cat."

• Tom Segura [41:12]:
  "You're clinically significant in two major categories: Negative affectivity and Disabilities. Dishibitionism. You're in the 99th percentile in both."

• Tom Segura [50:17]:
  "If you can drive a convertible from Austin to Lake Charles, Louisiana, you can have that. You can have that car. I'm serious. I'm serious."

• Tom Segura [66:30]:
  "Well, there's one where you... you're driving an ambulance, and then you throw up on them and then they're dead and they're healed."

---

Conclusion

Episode 821 of "Your Mom's House" offers a blend of heartfelt moments, personal anecdotes, and off-the-wall humor, centered around Charo Segura's exciting new podcast venture. Listeners can expect a lively and entertaining episode that showcases the unique chemistry between the Segura family members, promising even more laughter and stories in future episodes.

Don’t forget to tune in to "Muy Mucha Charo" dropping tomorrow on YMH Studios’ YouTube channel and all major podcast platforms!

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Lifelock.

[Christina P]

When you visit the doctor, you probably.

[Tom Segura]

Hand over your insurance, your ID and contact details. It's just one of the many places that has your personal info and if any of them accidentally expose it, you. You could be at risk for identity theft. Lifelock monitors millions of data points a second. If you become a victim, they'll fix it, guaranteed. Or your money back. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail] podcast terms apply. And welcome to another episode of your mom's house. I'm Tom, she's Christine. And joining us is one of our all time favorite guests. You know her as my mom. It's Charo. Real exciting news that we want to. We'll. We'll get into more of it. But just so that everybody knows Charo, my mom has a new podcast and it comes out tomorrow.

[Christina P]

Oh, my.

[Tom Segura]

Here on the YMH Studios YouTube channel. You can get it wherever you get podcasts. You can listen to it everywhere. It is called muy mucha Charo and it is debuting tomorrow, so make sure you check it out. Charo, thank you for coming.

[Charo]

Thank you for inviting me.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta be. You gotta sit a little bit closer. There you go.

[Charo]

Tommy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Thank you for inviting me.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Charo]

Thank you for being here.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Christina P]

I'm thrilled to have you. We had a lovely dinner last night at the home.

[Charo]

It was the best.

[Christina P]

Jane, you, the kids.

[Charo]

We really was.

[Christina P]

Cat.

[Charo]

It was all of us. And Tommy watching us.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Which enhances the pleasure of the dinner when he saw us.

[Christina P]

You think so?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Why does it? It makes you feel pressured.

[Charo]

It makes me feel happy. Oh. Excited. I put more bites because you could see me. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Watching you.

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

How come?

[Charo]

It's just a pleasure. I can't even describe it. You're sitting there and I'm having filet mignon, lasagna, every type of spaghetti, every kind of vegetable that I share with everybody because I'm very nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

50 desserts and you're watching not eating. Not a bite.

[Tom Segura]

And that made you happy?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That sounds like something somebody really well adjusted would say.

[Charo]

Actually, I envision.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Charo]

I would love to do what you did, but I'm trying to picture myself one day, no eating.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

I will be the most miserable person you will send me back to Vero. Christina will be clapping of joy. Finally we find excuse. And I said, no way. I won't do that. Salute.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There you go.

[Charo]

That laugh sounds very affirmative.

[Christina P]

Hold on.

[Charo]

Got It. Who?

[Christina P]

Whose idea was it for you to move to Texas? This guy. Don't forget that. I was the one that was like, you know, be lovely. Is to have Jane and Charo here in Austin with us nearby.

[Charo]

All that is true. But how many times people change their minds? And I said, why in the world did I do that?

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Charo]

Oh.

[Christina P]

Is that why I invite you to the home every Sunday for dinner? Every Sunday for dinner. You are.

[Charo]

I am basically forcing you.

[Christina P]

You're forcing me?

[Charo]

Yeah. Because I keep saying at what time today?

[Christina P]

At what time Hatnam Hat Nam. This is. This is fake news. I invite you every Sunday.

[Charo]

That is true.

[Christina P]

I'm now forcing.

[Charo]

That is true. Now the truth, Balga. She's absolutely right. She invite me every Sunday. She does nothing but give us love.

[Christina P]

Thank you. And then you still misgender my cat. You call munchkin mushy.

[Charo]

It's called mushy and you're not going to change it. And that mushy is a perfect cat. But they gave me a perfect dog. Yeah, mushy. Peace on the toilet. My dog, the one that you guys gave me poop in my house. So it's an even trait.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it doesn't even trade. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

But I love that dog.

[Tom Segura]

Anyway, are the headphones supposed to sit on the face or are they supposed to be more over just like the ears?

[Charo]

Ah, now I feel weird.

[Tom Segura]

That feels weird.

[Charo]

I feel like I have a facelift.

[Tom Segura]

You look great.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

So I know what I did. I need to do this. And I just.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we just wear those 24, 7.

[Charo]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you look good.

[Charo]

I look good. I try. Good. I exercise all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Do you? What is. What's your routine like?

[Charo]

Well, I get up and I go and get coffee and I walk all the way to my room.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. So back and forth.

[Charo]

Well, I start like that, then I do it again.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[Christina P]

How about the hill? I know you were upset that there's a hill that you have to drive to the grocery store.

[Charo]

Honestly. Yeah. Still scares me.

[Christina P]

The hill.

[Charo]

So I parked the car like four steps up, and I walk to the steps and I go up.

[Tom Segura]

She's talking about the hill that you drive out of the neighborhood on, not.

[Christina P]

Your driveway to go to the grocery store. Oh, because you have to go down the one.

[Charo]

It is scary. But I'm getting used to.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Charo]

I'm getting used to.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's a lot of exciting stuff we have to go over with you today.

[Charo]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And of course, the huge news is that you Have a new podcast. So we'll get into that in a moment, but to get us started, let's open the show with an opening clip. Here you go.

[Charo]

Oh, my gosh. It almost looked like mine. Oh, this is so disgusting. How many babies are in there?

[Tom Segura]

Hi.

[Charo]

Is it real?

[Christina P]

Looks at Pure Cell.

[Charo]

How did you. How do you survive like this?

[Tom Segura]

Don't bring anyone loving to this. With Tom.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. And Christina.

[Tom Segura]

Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P]

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[Charo]

See?

[Christina P]

Time out.

[Charo]

Time out. Put him in.

[Christina P]

You have to honor the music. Listen to the music. Feel it.

[Charo]

Okay, now time out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What's up?

[Charo]

No, go ahead. This is. No, this is not recorded. No, it's a question. Can I talk about your lipstick?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Go ahead and talk about it.

[Charo]

I can't. You haven't even turned this on.

[Tom Segura]

Turn what on?

[Christina P]

The microphone.

[Charo]

I saw. You told me nobody's listening.

[Christina P]

No, you can talk to me about my lipsticks. The lipstick company that I have. Christinap.com. you can buy all four colors right now. Perfect. Red, Atomic red, Berlin and Madison. Get all four for the lady in your life.

[Charo]

They are the best. They are literally the best. That's what I want to talk.

[Christina P]

It's insane. The high quality. And can I tell you why they're so high quality? I import them from an atelier in Italy. So this isn't some American schlock brand. This is European, beautifully crafted stuff.

[Charo]

Okay. I want to buy high quality, babe, so I can buy them right now.

[Christina P]

Absolutecristinap.com okay, so she. You were helping me last night develop my next line of products that I will be putting out very soon.

[Charo]

That is going to be great.

[Christina P]

And you help me decide which colors, which textures you liked.

[Charo]

And I love them all. I do, too. You're amazing.

[Christina P]

It's so exciting what I'm gonna do next. I can't wait.

[Tom Segura]

I'm excited for you too, by the way. You do look great. The makeup looks great. Your jacket. Where did you get that jacket? It's beautiful.

[Charo]

Oh, yeah. It's imported from Germany.

[Tom Segura]

From Germany? Not really known for the first, but that's good.

[Christina P]

Is that squirrel?

[Tom Segura]

Squirrel fur?

[Charo]

Well, the squirts are no green.

[Tom Segura]

What's green?

[Charo]

Nothing is green. The leaves are green.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Okay, so this is.

[Charo]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Charo]

I have to show this up. That's beautiful. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The more you could whisper away from the mic.

[Charo]

I will try my best to scream from now on.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina P]

Can you hear Yourself In. In your ears.

[Charo]

No, I can hear you.

[Tom Segura]

You don't hear yourself yourself?

[Charo]

No, I can't.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's the problem.

[Charo]

Can you hear yourself? Yes, I can.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, there we go.

[Charo]

I have to be. Everybody quiet.

[Tom Segura]

This first clip is my buddy Bert. That's Bert right there, laying on his back with his belly out.

[Charo]

Are you serious? Yeah, I told me. That's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

That's not Bird.

[Tom Segura]

That's Bert.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's a big drinker.

[Charo]

This is Bird now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

That's sad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Okay. That's a joke. That's not true.

[Tom Segura]

That is true.

[Christina P]

That is.

[Tom Segura]

Look at them.

[Charo]

He lost a lot of way before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then he kind of swung the other way.

[Charo]

How does he manage to walk?

[Tom Segura]

It's challenging, but he's doing it. He's actually shooting a show right now.

[Christina P]

Well, he does have diabetes. He's gonna have one of his legs amputated, unfortunately, because, look, he's laying down there. He can't walk very well, so.

[Charo]

Are you serious here?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He has to amputate one of. They're going to amputate one of his legs. I know.

[Charo]

This is horrible.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Great guy, though. Oh, he's a superb, nicely guy, but really nice guy.

[Charo]

I feel sorry for his wife. I feel sorry.

[Christina P]

You know what he does? He also like you, eats candy in bed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Starburst.

[Tom Segura]

He's a big sugar guy.

[Christina P]

Loves candy.

[Charo]

So am I. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He likes drinking and he likes. He likes sweets.

[Charo]

Okay. Which remind me of. I need to immediately change my style of living.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is the time, too. Everyone's like, you hit 81, it's out. It's time to.

[Charo]

I am not 81.

[Christina P]

How old are you?

[Tom Segura]

How old are you?

[Charo]

80. That's old enough to. Don't rush me. Yeah, 81, by the way. What? That's the Reddit thread.

[Tom Segura]

Is Bird dying?

[Charo]

I. I don't.

[Christina P]

It's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

So Red.

[Charo]

I was talking. Very disrespectful.

[Tom Segura]

His eyes are barely open.

[Christina P]

So much, so.

[Charo]

Oh, yeah, I am talking.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's got the drink in his hand. Okay, I'm not talking anymore.

[Charo]

Okay, I won't talk anymore.

[Tom Segura]

That's such a great photo.

[Christina P]

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[Charo]

I do usually do this.

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[Charo]

To have a guess and ignore.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, watch this. Watch this.

[Christina P]

She passed away.

[Tom Segura]

Unfortunately, she passed away during the national anthem. You know who else is 81? Barry Manilow. And he's still doing his shows in Las Vegas. I can send you to one. It's really good. We have some clips you Want to see what he's doing? Because if his show is gonna. Is any sign what your podcast is going to be like, it's gonna be a fun time. Okay.

[Charo]

Okay. That's the show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

What does it take to have a show in Vegas?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, this. First of all, he's got some nice work done on his face.

[Christina P]

It is good work. And it's. Or he needs to blend the orange into the neck.

[Charo]

Yeah, but I want to have a show like that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here. There's more. There's more.

[Christina P]

Would you date him? He's your peer.

[Charo]

No, thank you. No, thank you. I won't date him, but I will imitate him. Yeah, I think I have my own show.

[Tom Segura]

Frankie Valley's got a show, too. You could check that out.

[Charo]

He's 97.

[Tom Segura]

He's in his 90s.

[Christina P]

Holy.

[Charo]

And he still has a show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a good show, too.

[Charo]

Why don't I have a show in Vegas?

[Christina P]

You can't.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, maybe the podcast is like, what's going to get you the show?

[Christina P]

What would you do on your Vegas show?

[Charo]

I will invite you over.

[Tom Segura]

You know what you can start doing to. Because you're doing the podcast. You know what's really big with this generation right now?

[Charo]

What?

[Tom Segura]

They're called fit checks. You know what a fit check is?

[Charo]

No clue.

[Tom Segura]

So you set up your camera, and then you would show off your. You go, fit check. And you would show your outfit today. Like this chick here.

[Charo]

Do you guys like my outfit? What about this?

[Christina P]

Do you like this?

[Charo]

Yeah, well, I, I.

[Tom Segura]

But she's, like, the great thing to, like, inspire. Because you already have the second part. And if you start doing fit checks.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you something? You would sell out.

[Charo]

Yeah, I guess.

[Christina P]

With this act. I don't, but you're already known as the Fart mistress.

[Charo]

Imagine going to Vegas so I can fart in front of the cameras.

[Christina P]

Oh, so awesome.

[Tom Segura]

You have huge audiences.

[Christina P]

You'd have a contract to work.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not kidding you.

[Charo]

You guys are so low. I can't believe you're suggesting for me to go on tv. Not only on tv, on Vegas and far on the camera. Because already have an audience. I mean. Yes. This is killing me.

[Tom Segura]

Trying to get my mom a career is supposed to be something.

[Charo]

I feel bad about that type of career. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

It feels like you're not being grateful.

[Tom Segura]

You know you already have fans here, right? You have fans in the audience, too. Do you know that somebody sent in a message because they're interested in meeting you?

[Christina P]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Potential suitor.

[Christina P]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

Check this out.

[Charo]

Hey, baby. How are you? Hi, baby.

[Tom Segura]

I would like to meet up. I want to meet you. You're awesome. Bye now. Well, that was for you.

[Charo]

How do you know it? For me? He just.

[Tom Segura]

Because it. It came in our inbox and it. He said, this is for Charo.

[Charo]

He couldn't dress any better than that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think he was just inspired in the moment, you know?

[Charo]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I like his outfit.

[Christina P]

What kind of guy would you be into? I feel like he's a pretty great candidate, though. I mean, he looks like he's in good shape. He's really into you, which is important. You want the guy to like you more than you like them, you know, 100%. Is that. You think that's true?

[Tom Segura]

You think that was us?

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

You love me more than I love you.

[Charo]

He was crazy about you. Crazy about you before you even look at him.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Charo]

Yes. I'm a witness. If he denies it, I am a witness. A witness, witness, witness. So this is the guy you're going to get from me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Can we respond? Yeah, why don't you do this? So I think that's your camera. Will you say something back to him?

[Charo]

Does he have a name?

[Tom Segura]

George.

[Charo]

No, I'm not going to say George because he said, hi, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, then say whatever you want to say back, but say it into that camera.

[Charo]

Hi, baby. Next time, if you don't mind, to sit up and put some clothes on, maybe I will get into YouTube and I would like to meet you. We start as a friends and God knows where we go, but just do it properly. Not laying down in a tissue, that is. No appealing to me. Bye.

[Tom Segura]

Hey. That was really good.

[Christina P]

Really good.

[Tom Segura]

We'll send that right back to him.

[Christina P]

He'll like that. He'll like that.

[Tom Segura]

So let's get into this because the people are dying to know. Tell us about the podcast. What's the podcast like? You've been doing it here. Tell us what's going on in the podcast.

[Charo]

The podcast is something I wasn't expecting number one. So I come here, I sit down, and I have no idea what to talk about because here is a podcast. I'm talking to myself. And so I guess I start by telling them my story. How I met my husband. How kind of hard for me. Yeah, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

It's a really good sales job on getting people to want to listen. Thank you for that.

[Charo]

I would recommend you to listen if you want to know something about my life. But if you think you're going to laugh. I hate to disappoint you.

[Tom Segura]

That is not accurate or effective what you're doing. Just so you know, you would be definitely dropped if you were trying to, like, keep a job somewhere. But here we have a little trailer that we made to get the audience excited about my mom Charles new podcast called Muy Mucha Charo. Here you go. This summer.

[Charo]

The Fart Mistress.

[Tom Segura]

Senora Tetas. My only f. Mom's moving in and she's bringing the spice.

[Charo]

Are you.

[Tom Segura]

You'll laugh, she'll cry, cry she'll make this noise. Coming soon to YMH Studios.

[Charo]

Make it sexy. Well, hello, everybody. Look at that face.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Christina P]

You look awesome.

[Tom Segura]

You look great.

[Christina P]

You do, by the way. You do not look 81 years old.

[Tom Segura]

80.

[Christina P]

You look amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you look great.

[Christina P]

You look really good. You have no wrinkles on your face.

[Charo]

Well, the camera can do any tricks.

[Christina P]

No, I mean, I'm looking at you in real life. You look amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you the truth? You kind of do look like Barry Manilow. Like, if you look at this clip and then that's the guy who was done.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You guys kind of look similarly holy. Yeah, Right? You guys do look alike.

[Christina P]

Maybe you guys are related. Is he Peru?

[Charo]

Maybe I do that in my next podcast. Maybe I do that in my next podcast.

[Tom Segura]

That'd be a great. I mean, you could wear that jacket. You could definitely do those moves.

[Christina P]

He's got great cheekbones. Like you, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Done.

[Tom Segura]

Done.

[Charo]

Done.

[Tom Segura]

Holy. You guys are twinning.

[Charo]

So that's the podcast, the preview. You are announcing about my podcast, and all you are showing is my previous stuff that had nothing to do with my podcast.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's a. It's called a teaser trailer. So what we did was just kind of like, get people excited about the talent involved, which is you, since the talent is unqualified to promote themselves. So we. We put together a little reel. Yeah, we did it ourselves because we knew you would do what you just did. So. Yeah, there's that. Yeah.

[Charo]

Me and him.

[Tom Segura]

You and Barry. Now, you've been in Austin now about seven months.

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

How are you liking it?

[Charo]

I like Austin a lot. I love going to see you guys. I love having the family close. I love everything about Austin, but I'm still scared to drive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

That's normal, though, Tommy, seven months, like you said.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but aren't you making a little bit of progress in that?

[Charo]

Yeah, I look for somebody to take me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, well, do you think you could throw yourself into it a Little more.

[Charo]

Well, throw myself the call to let you know that there is an accident in the road where you should come.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's not throwing yourself into it. Throwing yourself into it is.

[Charo]

Like you said, throwing yourself into.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's an expression. It means that, like today, for instance, you could go home and go, I'm going to drive, you know, five blocks further than I normally would. And you start to make progress that the next day you go a little further, like, you know, throw yourself into it.

[Charo]

Like that's a good idea.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there you go. You could try that.

[Christina P]

Did you drive before when you lived.

[Charo]

In Florida, in Vero? Yeah, I drove all over. So what's. Because this is the difference.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Better. Doesn't have espresso highways or the mopac. All of a sudden I was in the mopac. I didn't tell you what I did. But anyway, you take your left or you take your right, you go straight, you take your left and you arrive at your destination. That's how it is.

[Christina P]

Well, you don't have to take mopac to get. Because you guys literally live just down the street from, like, you got everything. You got the grocery store, you got the Starbucks, you got the. The thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There's no highways to get there.

[Christina P]

There's no highways, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, to. To go ahead.

[Charo]

I decided I need to mail a letter that I never arrived and it was important to send it. So I put it in an envelope. I got out and I said, I'm going to be brave because I asked Jenny, she will do it. And she told me, you can do it, it's close. So I put.

[Tom Segura]

Like the Siri or the. Yeah.

[Charo]

To take me to the closest post office. Okay. Take nothing. Go to your right. Once you're in your right, turn to your left. Keep going. Take your left, take your right. And then all of a sudden, I am in the expressway. So I am in the expressway. Let me make it to the post office.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

I don't know how many. And then you get out of that expressway to take you to a different expressway. Now you go to. I think it's 183. And then you keep going. Then you take your lift and say, what in the world? 20 minutes driving for the post office.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you something? This is. This is the beginning of the end. You gotta. You gotta face this fear. My mom. Well, I turned 28. Put it this way. I turned 28, I was working in Burbank, California. Okay. My mother calls me, she goes, I cannot come see you for your Birthday. I said, why? I cannot drive on the freeway and there is no parking in Burbank. I'm like, this is patently false. There's nothing but parking in Burbank. And can I tell you, it was that stuff. The first of the. I can't. I can't go on the freeway. I get. You get scared. And then, and then she became a shut in. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. You're already well on your way though.

[Christina P]

You think you're a shut in already.

[Tom Segura]

This is.

[Charo]

And the 40. How many years I'm being United States?

[Tom Segura]

115. Yeah.

[Charo]

And the 50 years I'm being in. The 50 years I'm being in United States, I have never, ever, ever got in any expressway.

[Tom Segura]

This is very, very far along. I mean, also, don't forget, this is something very high in withdrawal, very high in avoidance. You know what I mean?

[Charo]

So I came to Austin to go to the post office and I end in the expressway.

[Christina P]

You've never driven on a freeway in America?

[Charo]

Never.

[Tom Segura]

You say you'll never join the Navy, Never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit or break the sound barrier. Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Learn [e-mail] America's Navy forged by the sea.

[Christina P]

I think it's time we break this. This isn't.

[Charo]

You want to be in the news about your sister in law?

[Tom Segura]

Your sister in law.

[Charo]

What? I'm not her.

[Tom Segura]

Your mother in law. Yeah.

[Charo]

Your Milo. Which is worse.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Unfortunately, we push her to get in there.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

And now we give her a nice goodbye. Lots of flowers there.

[Christina P]

You got to drive on the freeway. You got to drive on the freeway. Why don't you have a drink before to relax you a little bit.

[Charo]

You really want to finish with me?

[Christina P]

What?

[Charo]

Not only get in the freeway, but be sure to have a drink before to relax you.

[Christina P]

So you're not sleep or take a xanax or 5.

[Charo]

Just take anything that put me to sleep.

[Tom Segura]

We should do it in a car that can move too. Like, you know what I mean? Like, let's get you in something that.

[Christina P]

Yeah, rips like a Ferrari or something.

[Charo]

McLaren to do it with a pill and just finish with me instead of making me the whole process.

[Christina P]

Why do you think we want you dead?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

We've got nothing to gain by your death. You know that. We don't want your money. We don't want. Hold on. I did get your painting. The beautiful homeless man that I've been admiring for 25 years.

[Charo]

I got the homeless guy you Take the painting.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

And then what's the artist's name again? I'm sorry?

[Charo]

Victor Martinez.

[Christina P]

Will you look up Victor Martinez? Homeless man painting. I'm just curious.

[Charo]

Homeless. Gun mating.

[Christina P]

That's not gonna.

[Tom Segura]

It's not gonna.

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Charo]

It's not going to come. Like put Victor Martinez and paintings. Painters.

[Tom Segura]

Painter, artist, artist. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And let her be an artist. Yeah. There's this haunting painting that's I've been admiring for so many years in your home. And she just said that she'd give it to me. But that was three days ago and so far it's not in our house.

[Charo]

She didn't say she gave it to me.

[Christina P]

Can I have it?

[Charo]

Already says I want this.

[Christina P]

No.

[Charo]

And I said that's not how.

[Tom Segura]

That's not him.

[Charo]

Oh my gosh.

[Christina P]

That is not how it happened.

[Charo]

I want this for my birthday.

[Christina P]

I do.

[Charo]

Yeah, you say it and you.

[Christina P]

Where is it? My birthday was in June.

[Charo]

And that's what I mean, it has to come because your birthday was in June and I didn't give you a gift.

[Christina P]

Where's my painting?

[Charo]

Come on, get it.

[Tom Segura]

That's the one, I think the. The one that's dead, right? Malaga. Victor Martinez. Malaga. Isn't that him?

[Charo]

Can I see him?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Peruvian.

[Charo]

Yeah, he died.

[Tom Segura]

Is this the one?

[Charo]

I know as Victor Martinez? I didn't know the Malaga part.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. I don't know, maybe it's a different Martinez.

[Charo]

No, it's called just Victor Mar.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the. Probably the one that you found the result where it said born in 1932. The.

[Charo]

That should be the one.

[Tom Segura]

That's the one, I think.

[Charo]

Yes. Because.

[Christina P]

Oh yeah. Cuz look at the homeless person behind.

[Charo]

That's what I was looking.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's perfect and it's neat because this guy drew four portraits of the same homeless man.

[Tom Segura]

And.

[Christina P]

And I. I find his eyes haunting. I have for years and I would just love to have that in.

[Charo]

He's amazing.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

That painting talks to you. I never saw a painting that is so. It looks like a picture.

[Christina P]

What does it say to you? What do you. What do you feel I'm saying? What is it? What does it do for you?

[Charo]

Like it's a poor.

[Christina P]

And you. You like it because you can go, I'm not poor like you dirt. And you feel better about yourself.

[Charo]

Then I look at him and I said, if you will only know my sister in law.

[Tom Segura]

Sister.

[Charo]

My. Excuse me. Well, it's like a sister some. We're almost the same age. It's only 50 years difference. But you know, if you will know her.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. Soft, speak softer.

[Charo]

Excuse me, if you will only know my daughter in law. Yeah, she's so sexy and she sings. You're better painter ever. She's stealing the paintings from my house.

[Christina P]

Stealing the painting.

[Charo]

Since there is no way to get you. But you are the best. Now can we publish a little bit about you and your fame? Because she's a little bit ignorant. But we're going to teach her. He lived for a while in Las Vegas, by the way. Oh, you're famous. No, no, no, no. In Los Angeles.

[Christina P]

Oh, we did, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Here, check this out, Mom. Oh, damn. So this guy trains dogs?

[Christina P]

He can train your dog. Listen to go outside.

[Tom Segura]

You hear that, Bello? So we haven't seen him in years, this guy. Okay, yeah, we haven't seen him in years. And he would do stuff like this, like make these videos. I know. So.

[Christina P]

He trains his dog this way. The dog loves it.

[Tom Segura]

But do you see him?

[Charo]

But do you ever elevate the quality of your show or. It's always going to be fart and pedals and.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to share something with you. You see, you see him, right? You see him?

[Charo]

Yes, I. I see his, but I don't see him.

[Tom Segura]

So. Oh, here, like here. This is his old Florida.

[Charo]

Some stock that doesn't make me laugh.

[Tom Segura]

It's Christmas. It's a Christmas Christmas. So he's farting in the stockings. Okay, okay, hold on.

[Christina P]

Let him finish.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Charo]

Gaga.

[Tom Segura]

No, but you see, what he looks like is my point, right? And this is how we knew him. And we knew him like this before Ellis was born. That's how long ago we've had a relationship. And then he kind of. We didn't hear from him and we didn't see him forever. And then two weeks ago, he re. Emerged. Look at him now. Next time we're just gonna put all these in a funnel and just funnel.

[Christina P]

It down my throat and gulp pudding all day.

[Charo]

The word is upside down.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that crazy? Look how much bigger he is.

[Christina P]

Do you notice the difference?

[Charo]

This is the same guy.

[Tom Segura]

Same guy.

[Charo]

How sad. I told me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's doing stuff like this now. Making a fortune. Making a fortune because people want to watch him eat.

[Christina P]

Kind of makes you think, right?

[Tom Segura]

It makes you think.

[Charo]

So I should be. Yes. Farting and eating.

[Tom Segura]

We didn't say for years.

[Charo]

And becoming like this.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Also, you're already 81. It's like 81 or 80. Like how much longer. Why slow things down?

[Christina P]

The time is now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There you are. You're on the freeway.

[Christina P]

You look great.

[Tom Segura]

And you do look great.

[Charo]

Car. Why don't you get me a convertible?

[Tom Segura]

Hell, yeah. It's such a good idea.

[Christina P]

But you have to go on mopac with it. Yeah, if we get you a convertible, you have to drive on mopac.

[Charo]

It's a promise.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to see this prank?

[Charo]

No, I want to talk about cars now.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Cars.

[Charo]

Okay. The. What is the car that I have to.

[Christina P]

Huh?

[Charo]

Okay, I want to talk about the car that I would like to have.

[Christina P]

The cat.

[Tom Segura]

You want to talk about a cat? You would like to have a car? Oh, a car. Okay.

[Charo]

How about a convertible? Maybe? I did. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Those are cool.

[Charo]

Are they safe?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're super safe.

[Charo]

Picture me in my convertible.

[Christina P]

I like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I remember when you had a convertible.

[Charo]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

The very first. It was such a huge thing in our house. My dad got her a Chrysler LeBaron convertible. And you got the personalized license.

[Charo]

License. You did. What did it say?

[Christina P]

Oh, that's so nice. So people knew it was you coming?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. They're like, here comes Charo.

[Christina P]

Here comes Charo. Did you like it?

[Tom Segura]

Freeways, I love it.

[Charo]

And the kids love it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's super fun.

[Charo]

But now I will take this place. That's a promise.

[Tom Segura]

That's a promise. You and some of the staff went shopping.

[Charo]

Well, you're changing the topic of my car, so let's go one step at a time.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Charo]

How about to get me a convertible?

[Tom Segura]

I say no, I'm not doing that. Not doing that. So you can do it.

[Charo]

Okay, change the topic because you want to go the shopping. Your staff and I went shopping.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

We were very limited. We were trying to be decent. So we buy the least we can in the most. Very limited.

[Christina P]

What budget did you have?

[Charo]

He didn't tell me the budget, but we were very considerate, so we bought, like, this blouse.

[Tom Segura]

You guys know what you ended up spending?

[Charo]

Very little.

[Tom Segura]

No, Very little. That's just the summary.

[Charo]

The equivalent of one of you for Christina. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

That still is a pretty vague way of saying it was spent. They don't know it was spent. Nobody knows.

[Charo]

No, it wasn't that much. We went to Nordstrom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Perdona, lo senor. We both like three. Like, warm up pants. Like the pants I'm wearing right now.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, how much was spent? I think around 2500.

[Charo]

No.

[Christina P]

Wow, that's a lot of scratch for clothes.

[Charo]

No.

[Christina P]

And you got sweatpants.

[Charo]

1500.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so you think Josh just added a thousand for no reason?

[Charo]

Yeah, because he has fun saying those. He's making it up. Yeah, I know. Wow. I know it was 1500.

[Christina P]

Would you. Would you hold on? That doesn't sound. Can I tell you something? Josh is one of the most honest people on our staff.

[Tom Segura]

He's actually the most well adjusted person on the entire staff.

[Christina P]

Clinically speaking, him of lying.

[Charo]

How does Josh knows?

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to pull this? No.

[Charo]

Or how does Josh knows?

[Tom Segura]

How does Josh knows? I don't know. Ask Josh.

[Christina P]

He's the manager here. He knows all the.

[Charo]

He can make up the numbers.

[Tom Segura]

He can make it up. He can make it up.

[Christina P]

But why would he.

[Charo]

I don't know. Ask Josh.

[Tom Segura]

And ethnically speaking, his people are known to make up numbers.

[Charo]

Oh, there is your answer.

[Tom Segura]

There's your answer.

[Charo]

Do you.

[Christina P]

Do you. You know, I. I just. I made an observation. I noticed that every time you come in here, it's like, it's. It's a plea to get stuff. You know, like last time it was like, we're gonna go. You did the show. And then you're like, are we gonna go buy a washer dryer now? We were like, wait, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

I need to go get cosmetics.

[Charo]

Excuse me. It's always. Thank you for touching the topic.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for touching the topic.

[Charo]

Because he find out. And he mentioned I just find out I'm buying a washer and dryer. Thanks a lot. It cost me 3,000. I pay with my money.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Charo]

And I didn't buy even the stance because I didn't have money to buy the stunts. So I have to bend down. Think of my age. So don't ask you for the 300 for a standard.

[Tom Segura]

I don't understand. Why can't you get the stands?

[Charo]

Because it's 300. Each is 600. And I didn't have enough to buy the washer and dryer. That wasn't in my book. However you announced it. That I just find now I'm buying a washing and dryer. Well, guess what? I bought a washer and dryer.

[Tom Segura]

We're proud of you.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Good job.

[Charo]

Way to go.

[Tom Segura]

Way to go.

[Charo]

I told me. I tell you one thing I want to do.

[Tom Segura]

Let me. Does it involve me purchasing something?

[Charo]

Well, it involves you an investment in the house.

[Tom Segura]

Investment. Okay.

[Charo]

Because this house eventually going to rent it. Let me explain. Let me explain. The shower is this big and the bathtub is this big. So the idea will be to knock out the bathtub and just make the shower Longer. I'm talking to Tommy.

[Christina P]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Charo]

Can I have your blessings, please, Tommy?

[Tom Segura]

At the moment, no, I got a lot of things. I'm all tied up kind of. Kind of jammed up right now with a lot of things.

[Charo]

She told you to say that?

[Tom Segura]

She didn't tell me to say anything. Just can't do stuff like that, you know? I got a lot of things going on.

[Charo]

Stuff like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I got things going on.

[Charo]

Well, you thought you bought a washer and dryer.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't think I bought it.

[Charo]

Yes, you say it in the iPad. I heard you in one of your pots. You say it in your iPad. And I bought it. So can we trade that for knocking that bathtub? That is a decoration. And me being able to move in my shower.

[Tom Segura]

Would you like to hear your psychiatric evaluation results?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Christina P]

I mean, are we doing it? Should we call the doctor?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Charo]

I'm dying to know.

[Christina P]

Are you serious? Okay.

[Tom Segura]

No, you don't.

[Christina P]

You know, I want to do it.

[Charo]

I want. Definitely want to do it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right. So of the 17 people that took the test that were here in the office.

[Christina P]

Let's ask her first. Where do you think you ranked out of. On a scale of from 1 to 17? The top. The one being. What is it? The least healthiest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

17 being the healthiest. Where do you think in the lineup you would be?

[Charo]

Two.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah. You were number two. You were number two.

[Charo]

Yeah, I was trying to make a joke so you can laugh at it.

[Tom Segura]

The number one was a very traumatized young man who's not here today. Then you were, too. And then it goes down to the healthiest person. Who was? Josh.

[Charo]

Josh is the healthiest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

You have to teach me Josh.

[Christina P]

So Tanner was number one most troubled, and the. The therapist recommended therapy for him.

[Charo]

And.

[Christina P]

And she asked if he was a. A veteran, like, if he had been a combat veteran because he. He exhibited that much signs of trauma.

[Charo]

Which one was his number one?

[Christina P]

And you're number two.

[Charo]

No. Which one was it Tanner?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's not here today.

[Charo]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But he's one of our.

[Charo]

Okay. What? Tell me everything.

[Tom Segura]

So you. When you have results, they are either insignificant, elevated, or what they call clinically significant. And when something is clinically significant, it means that somewhat alarming brings that awareness to the therapists, and then they want to talk to the person more to find out how concerned they should be. You are clinically significant in two major categories. Negative affectivity and disabilities. Dishibitionism. You're in the 99th percentile in both.

[Charo]

What?

[Christina P]

Congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Charo]

Negative. Put it back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Affectivity, you can see it there. You're. You actually are almost at 100, which is so clinically significant, there isn't a category past it.

[Charo]

What does it mean they are? Negative affectivity.

[Tom Segura]

Well, if we scroll down, you can see the actual breakdown of things. So anxiousness, you're at a hundred percent. Emotional ability in the 90th percentile. And separation insecurity, you're over almost at 100%. Yeah. Your withdrawal is at over 90%. Your manipulativeness is over 90%.

[Charo]

Manipuliveness.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Charo]

Why didn't get for you even to get my shower.

[Tom Segura]

Distractibility, you're at 100%, which is in the next category. You. Impulsivity, almost at a hundred percent. You're not psychotic.

[Christina P]

Yeah. That's nice. Congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty great. Yeah. And here's your scores. You're not schizotypical. You're not weirdo. You're not too well. You are antisocial. But you know, you're elevated. You're not a psychopath. Your borderline score is nearly off the charts. You're not a narcissist. Your avoidance is nearly off the charts.

[Charo]

A narcissist.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I said no. You're not a narcissist. No, no. But you have two clinically significant results there. And yeah, you can see there. Borderline, you mean. You're essentially been diagnosed as a borderline. You're antisocial and you're avoidant, but you're not narcissistic.

[Christina P]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

And you're not obsessive compulsive and you're not schizotypal, which means you're not a weirdo, you're not an eccentric. You just have, you know, severe personality defects.

[Christina P]

If it makes you any happier, I'm. I'm schizo tipple.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she registers high on very high.

[Christina P]

I have a. I'd considered and I.

[Tom Segura]

Also registers high on antisocial, which may be genetic. And then I also have a higher antisocial with psychopathy.

[Charo]

So we are all antisocials here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we're all antisocials. Yeah. Yeah.

[Charo]

As you can see.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Pretty cool, right?

[Charo]

Pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I think Tanner. I mean like I said, Tanner was recommended to go to therapy. Is that something you would consider doing?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

What is he going to do for me?

[Tom Segura]

Well, you don't know. We're not the therapists that. But that's what people do is your looks like, your hostility, your impulsivity, and your irresponsibility.

[Charo]

Slow. Because you're going. You're impulsivity. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Go slow.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Well, your antisocial stuff is pretty clear. Yeah. The real thing is your boy.

[Charo]

I am antisocial.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P]

We know that.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Your borderline stuff is out of control. I mean, that is obviously, like, you're probably your most notable category.

[Charo]

Which one is that?

[Tom Segura]

Borderline. Where it combines anxiousness, emotional ability, hostility, and impulsivity and separation insecurity. You scored really high.

[Charo]

I'm a monster.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, not a monster. You know, it's just.

[Christina P]

Does that resonate with you? Do you feel like that's accurate?

[Charo]

Well, I know I'm scared to be alone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

I don't like when a man comes in my house. If I am alone, that really tremendous anxiety. I am extremely antisocial. I am very insecure. I actually avoid making friends, but not because I avoid. It's because my insecurity create my friends. Because my friends approach me and became friends. But I. I don't go and make friends.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

It's part of the insecurities. I am. Or they'll ask me questions because I can see from here.

[Tom Segura]

Let's go. Is there another category underneath this? Yeah. You're not ocd. You're not obsessive compulsive, withdrawn, which makes sense. Anxiousness, which makes sense.

[Christina P]

Distractibility is very high.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're very, very high.

[Christina P]

Very distracted.

[Charo]

I am so distracted that it breaks the rule of the 100. Yeah. I can't focus on one thing. Like, I can be in the bathroom and trying to fix this, but this belongs to the kitchen. So I go to the kitchen. While I'm in the kitchen, I find something that is from the laundry room. So I don't finish one task. I never finish one room. And I'm being suffering with this because I'm being aware all the time, and I can't help it.

[Christina P]

You're being aware all the time. Is that you say, yes, aware.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You're. You actually could not have a higher score on distractibility. It's the highest possible score.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you're also in the highest possible score for impulsivity. You're almost there with emotional ability. You are there with anxiousness.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Got a nice treat there. On intimacy, avoidance and irresponsibility and manipulativeness. You're significant in all of them.

[Charo]

Intimate avoidance is why I am so high.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, sorry. That's the wrong. No, Just irresponsibility, hostility, impulsivity.

[Charo]

Hostility. I have high hostility, yes. What is hostility?

[Tom Segura]

Kind of what you're doing right now. Remember.

[Christina P]

Remember a few minutes ago when you're like, I'm talking to Tom, not you?

[Tom Segura]

That's kind of hostile.

[Christina P]

Said that to me. Kind of hurt my feelings a little bit. Not gonna lie.

[Charo]

Tommy's hostile, too. Tommy score high in hostility.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's deflection.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's called being deflective. You're pushing it on somebody else now.

[Charo]

She doesn't have that. You do.

[Tom Segura]

Good. This is good.

[Charo]

I have elevated manipulativeness.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you're a master manipulator. This is. This is only what people say who know you, though. Like, you, like. Well, yeah, I think your children would. Would all be like, is it only 92?

[Christina P]

Do you feel like. But do you feel like you can get people to do things for you? Do you feel like that? That's. That can be a really positive skill. Look, all this isn't to be negative. Sometimes these traits work in your benefit. Some of our greatest employees, our greatest staff members are.

[Tom Segura]

Are lit up, too.

[Christina P]

So this doesn't mean, like, you're a bad person. It just means, like, these are your traits. So manipulativeness can be great if you're a lawyer or a salesperson.

[Tom Segura]

Podcast host.

[Christina P]

Podcasting host. Do you feel like you get what you want from people?

[Charo]

From Tommy?

[Christina P]

From Tommy. You do.

[Charo]

Because he love me, not because I'm manipulative. He said. He says, she's 81.

[Tom Segura]

Can you move the.

[Charo]

She's 81. Even when I'm 80?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

And I know he loved me.

[Christina P]

You know he loves you.

[Charo]

So it's not that I abuse it, but I asked him with almost a 90, sure that he's going to tell.

[Christina P]

Me, but you know that he loves you, and that's why you ask, Is that what you're saying?

[Charo]

No.

[Christina P]

You know he'll give it to you. That's why.

[Charo]

No, I know that he love me, and he will try if he can. If he hasn't seen that, and I greatly know that he can. I'm talking monetary. But if he sees like, that's enough. Yeah, he would say no. Like, I asked him if I can go shopping again, and a big no came. I asked him about my shower, even though I'm gonna fall down in that shower because there's no place to hold and it fits me. So if I get it lower, he can get in the shower.

[Christina P]

And what about the casino trips?

[Charo]

Oh, my God. Told me I Can live from casino to casino.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

If you want your mind to die happy, send me to one casino only.

[Christina P]

If you want her to die happy.

[Tom Segura]

You know what we'll do about the convertible? If you can drive a convertible from Austin to Lake Charles, Louisiana, you can have that. You can have that car. I'm serious. I'm serious.

[Christina P]

That's such a good idea.

[Charo]

I thought he was going to say if you can drive the converter from your house to all the way in expressway, you can have the convertible. Which it will be.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I said.

[Charo]

No.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Not to annoy town.

[Christina P]

You can do it.

[Tom Segura]

It's a road trip. You're 81. You can freaking take a road. You're 80. You can take a road trip. Here, check this out. Look at this screen.

[Charo]

They broke his back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He threw a hundred pound bag at him. £100 of cement. Yeah.

[Charo]

That's so mean.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I hate when they put these clips in here.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Charo]

I can't tell.

[Christina P]

That's why it's only nice stuff. We told you this. She doesn't like this violent stuff.

[Charo]

You guys. This is horrendous.

[Christina P]

I agree.

[Tom Segura]

That one was crazy.

[Christina P]

Terrible. Why are you guys putting this stuff in here?

[Tom Segura]

That was really crazy.

[Charo]

You know what? I have a question. I need to stop for a second. What's that did in your test comes like you enjoy watching tragedies and people just being killed and.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's the high psychopathy, antisocial stuff.

[Tom Segura]

A little bit. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Not that high.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, it was elevated. Not. It was not clinically significant, but elevated.

[Christina P]

So you were almost into clinical territory.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think it was close to clinical territory.

[Christina P]

But it's elevated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So that's one step under clinical.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but elevated is also over 50. You're elevated over the form.

[Charo]

Christina. The main fact that's fighting it to tell you. No.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

That means he knows.

[Christina P]

He is out of his mind.

[Charo]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, he. He. Every night it's something violent. It's something awful. It's war. It's Hitler, it's. And then he says to me, you got. You got to watch this movie. And I know it's violent. I don't want to watch it this morning.

[Tom Segura]

That's what my dad did too.

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Every single day.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

And every night.

[Charo]

Every night.

[Christina P]

Horrors. You're falling asleep too.

[Charo]

Yeah. Hi, baby. Come here. They have a show. 48 hours killing in the street.

[Tom Segura]

Mom. Mike.

[Charo]

48 hours killing in the Street. And that's how I go to sleep. And He. Until he gets tired and he's okay, I'm going to bed. And he turned the TV on without asking me. Are you watching? He only called me to let me know we have a show to watch.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Charo]

No, that's okay.

[Christina P]

But can I tell you what's so sick now?

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Is that now I can't fall asleep unless Tom is watching something violent and terrible. So now I go, are you going to watch your awful thing? Because I can't fall asleep unless he's next to me enjoying awful things.

[Charo]

You have trained here.

[Christina P]

It's pretty good.

[Tom Segura]

It's good deal.

[Charo]

Very dominant.

[Christina P]

No, very dominant.

[Charo]

I. I. Oh, my God. He broke his waist. All his bones. All of them that were horrendous.

[Christina P]

All the bones were broken. Dude, dude. That guy is. That guy is not okay, right?

[Charo]

Is that a dog?

[Tom Segura]

It's a lion.

[Charo]

It's a lion.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lion. Yeah.

[Charo]

Tommy, you're going to eat him.

[Tom Segura]

He's just joking with his employees and he put a. He released a lion on them. Yeah. It's something that I've dreamed about and I. I have wanted to do this so bad.

[Charo]

You will. I know you.

[Tom Segura]

I'm trying to. I actually reached out to an animal rescue guy about doing this here at the office and. And they just. We couldn't work it out. But this is such a cool thing. I wanted.

[Charo]

I think he's a monster. Because the only fun he has.

[Christina P]

I know. Torture.

[Charo]

Torture. Yeah, Torture. Give you joy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Why don't you tortured yourself? That would be more joy.

[Christina P]

He does like to torture himself with the fasting and the cold plunging and.

[Charo]

Are you still with the fasting?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's been 10 days.

[Charo]

Yeah, 10 days.

[Tom Segura]

Not quite, but yeah. I haven't. I still haven't eaten.

[Charo]

That's why he says not to me. To go shopping or buy me a car.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm just thinking clearly. You need a lot of clear thoughts.

[Christina P]

He's pushing for a month now because he loves it so much.

[Tom Segura]

He's gonna go, I want to see if I can do 30 days.

[Charo]

What is the purpose?

[Tom Segura]

Just to see if you can do it. Just to like. I like the suffering, you know, like to see if you can. How what. What level of suffering. You can deal.

[Christina P]

And then he's gonna make the staff do it. They all have to do it.

[Charo]

They don't have to.

[Christina P]

Yeah, they do.

[Tom Segura]

No, but they can't.

[Charo]

You cannot force the staff.

[Christina P]

Absolutely. Guys, aren't we starting it next week?

[Charo]

You know what? Guys quit.

[Tom Segura]

Unfortunately, yes.

[Charo]

They should quit.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Charo]

Let's see what you do.

[Tom Segura]

Just find new people.

[Charo]

You will never get them.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Charo]

Because they are the best.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I wouldn't. They're fine.

[Charo]

You're not going to make them do that.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, if they want to work here. Yeah.

[Charo]

I never had an office in which the man. I forced the people to go on a diet of water or. You don't work here.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but it's a different time. It's 2020.

[Charo]

I not only quit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

But I will sue you.

[Christina P]

You can't do that.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for it. Giving them that idea. But the whole thing is I want. And. And I. I mean this respectfully. I want them to look better.

[Charo]

You know why? They look great.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they look fine.

[Charo]

Why don't you shave? I want you to look better.

[Tom Segura]

I'm. But I'm doing the water fat. And that's what I'm trying to get them to do. It's like, hey, let's get a little trimmer. You know, let's look a little better.

[Christina P]

Summer.

[Tom Segura]

Summer. I want. I want to see summer bodies when I come in here.

[Charo]

Why don't you do it?

[Tom Segura]

Winter bodies.

[Christina P]

Oh, I don't have to. I'm already perfect. I don't have to. He doesn't make me do any.

[Charo]

Like.

[Christina P]

He, like, loves me.

[Tom Segura]

You know who sent in a tape asking if they could work here? Asking if they could have a job right here?

[Charo]

Ah. Ah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

He wants to get a job. Doing what? Licking your envelopes?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, but they were like, do you want to hire her? And I said, let's bring her in. Let's see what she's like.

[Charo]

We have a lot of mail in church.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

She seems nice.

[Tom Segura]

She does.

[Christina P]

Really. She had a good interview, too.

[Tom Segura]

Here's. Look at this. The largest on record fossilized kaka in the world.

[Charo]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

They save it.

[Tom Segura]

They saved it. Yeah. Eight inches long, two inches wide. It's from a Viking.

[Christina P]

That's awesome.

[Charo]

I. I asked beyond my brains believing that you put in a show. The biggest kaka in the world.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Guess what else I put a bid on it for at an auction. To try to get it here at the studio.

[Charo]

You're sick.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I want to own it.

[Christina P]

So do I. I can't wait to get it. How much did you spend?

[Tom Segura]

125.

[Charo]

Okay. Why don't I do one like that?

[Tom Segura]

If you can do something like that.

[Charo]

You pay me 125, 000.

[Tom Segura]

Well.

[Charo]

Well, if you do it for that one, why can't you do it for mine?

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is a.

[Charo]

It belonged to a Viking, but I am her Majesty.

[Tom Segura]

Her Majesty?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Could you talk away from the mic more? It's only the 15th time, Mom. Go from here. Just go like this.

[Christina P]

Push it down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there you go. And then there you go.

[Charo]

Here we go.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, yeah, it's too high. Okay. Oh, there's Charo.

[Christina P]

I even got your plate personalized. That's awesome.

[Charo]

Oh, my God, you guys are quick. I want that car.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, those are real easy to get.

[Charo]

They are toys.

[Tom Segura]

That's a toy. Yeah, that's. That's a Ferrari 488.

[Charo]

Don't you love to drive me? Get me. Honestly, in a sport car. Doesn't have to be one of those brand names.

[Tom Segura]

Just any.

[Charo]

No. A Ford Sport.

[Tom Segura]

A Ford. It's a Ford.

[Christina P]

A Ford Explorer.

[Charo]

Ford Sports Sport.

[Tom Segura]

A Ford Sport Sport. Oh, my favorite car. The Ford Sport.

[Christina P]

What's a Ford Sport?

[Charo]

Do they have a Ford convertible?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You mean like a Mustang or something?

[Charo]

Yeah. Oh, that'd be cool.

[Christina P]

What color would you get it right?

[Tom Segura]

I feel like you're more of a Miata lady.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I could see so fast.

[Charo]

Can you show me a Mazda Miata?

[Christina P]

You look amazing. Your pretty blonde hair, big tattoos.

[Charo]

This is a completely natural hair. Do you know that?

[Christina P]

You look amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Looks great.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. That's.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't look like horse hair. It looks good. There you go.

[Christina P]

I like it, but that's adorable.

[Tom Segura]

It's fun. Those are really fun to drive, too.

[Charo]

I want one.

[Christina P]

I like that. Burgundy bandit.

[Charo]

Okay, Red.

[Christina P]

Get it. Get it, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

The Mazda Miata. Yeah. Great.

[Charo]

But when you take the. The thing off, does it look like a convertible? Pretty or no?

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Charo]

I want to look like I am in a convertible.

[Tom Segura]

How do you not look like you're in a convertible?

[Charo]

Because it's too high.

[Tom Segura]

What's too high?

[Charo]

The car himself. The. The convertibles are lower on my imagination.

[Tom Segura]

That's your imagination? No, it's low. Yeah.

[Charo]

Okay. That's it.

[Christina P]

Perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Cool. That looks rad. Yeah, I think we should work that out. If you drive yourself to Lake Charles. That is yours.

[Charo]

I go from my house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

All the way to the next town. What is the next town in this pressway?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I don't know.

[Christina P]

Do you drive to like ut?

[Charo]

But can you tell me where is your tea? I don't even know.

[Christina P]

It's like downtowny, you know? How about downtown?

[Tom Segura]

Do you drive downtown in the convertible? Yeah.

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

On a freeway?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

All Right. We'll talk about it.

[Charo]

No, no, you said it's yours. Now you go.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't say it's yours. You're making up word. When did I say it's yours?

[Charo]

If you drive from here to here, it's yours.

[Tom Segura]

I said Lake Charles.

[Charo]

Okay, I am changing it. If I do it, you know how my heart will go from here to the University and Expressway by myself.

[Tom Segura]

That's not a car reward distance. You have to go further than that for the car. Like, you can drive it if you want to drive it. We can set up a test drive. But if you want to, like, get a car, you can't be like, hey, I drove 15 minutes. That's not a even exchange.

[Charo]

Okay, let's do a test drive.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, you can do a test drive.

[Charo]

Can be alone.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Charo]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, let's do a test drive.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we'll do a test drive. Check this out. This is a pretty cool story. I think you'll like this.

[Christina P]

It's rage we've seen before. Only this time, Nathaniel Radimak, convicted for his violent Tesla rampages, isn't behind the wheel. He's at the gym. This guy said he's gonna sock me in my face because I walk next to his machine. He came up and behind me and said, hey, do me a favor, don't walk past my machine when I'm using it again. I was so taken aback. The young lady involved. Speaking anonymously to Hawaii News Now. The incident, she says, happened on Good Friday at A Planet Fitness in Kahala, Honolulu. She took out her phone as things quickly escalated. Things also not looking good for Radimac, now in custody facing charges for assaulting two women in Honolulu. He got closer to my daughter's window, reached in and punched her in her face. Diane ng, recalling the May 7 attack. A spokesperson for Hawaii's Department of Corrections saying he was assaulted by inmates on Monday, sustaining injuries to his face and torso.

[Charo]

Gosh.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool, right? Isn't that a cool story?

[Charo]

Very cool. As cool as it gets.

[Christina P]

Yeah. What do you think's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Well, he got prison justice, though.

[Christina P]

Yeah. That is pretty nice.

[Charo]

So actually, are we allowed to talk politics?

[Tom Segura]

Are we allowed to talk politics? Yeah. I mean, are you? I didn't know if you had political things to talk about. What would you like to talk about?

[Charo]

Maybe I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Probably best.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This audience kind of surprises you with their thoughts sometimes.

[Christina P]

This guy seems like he's pretty cool, though.

[Charo]

The guys here surprises me with.

[Tom Segura]

The audience. There you are.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's perfect.

[Charo]

I want a picture of that to put it in my phone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we can definitely make that your screensaver.

[Charo]

I want you to make that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Stay away from my machine.

[Tom Segura]

Stay away from my machine when I'm using it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I kind of like that though, because I feel that way too. At a gym, I don't want people near me.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but check this out. So Christina and the boys are coming with me to. So I start shooting this movie, but then they leave me. So I'm going to be alone. And in order to like, you know, feel not alone, Christina sent me this link and this is what's going to be with me when she leaves. And I'm super excited that she actually did this and that she found this. Check this out. This is Melody, one of our robots.

[Christina P]

She speaks various languages and she's built in a modular fashion so we can take off her face, replace it with.

[Tom Segura]

Another face and have her speaking as a different character.

[Christina P]

Our skills are having very realistic skin and our AI is very different.

[Tom Segura]

It's functioned to create companion and friendship and social type interactions with people. So our robots don't do physical human labor, but they're really meant for personal interaction. So you can think about it at a theme park, at a conference like this, or even at a senior's home where they can keep people company. So what happened is she sent this. The production saw it. I told them I don't want to be alone. They're going to put AI versions of Christina's voice in the robot and they're going to give it blonde hair, like similar look so it'll feel like she's there.

[Charo]

I do. For real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Isn't that cool?

[Charo]

That is cool.

[Tom Segura]

And apparently he'll like that. You can have sex with it too.

[Charo]

And you think that's cool too?

[Christina P]

I think it's great. You know, it's.

[Charo]

What is wrong with you?

[Christina P]

I think it's a nice way. And he can also take my face off and put someone else's face. So, you know.

[Charo]

Well, you assign him to another woman.

[Christina P]

Spice things up. Melody, your charming companion from realbotics. We're all about creating customizable human like robots designed for connection and play. Basically the perfect blend of technology and companionship. Why did the robot go on a diet? Because it had too many bites.

[Charo]

She can smile.

[Christina P]

So I'll have her smile.

[Tom Segura]

See, I can't wait to wake up to that.

[Charo]

Yeah, like a happiness that's so much love.

[Christina P]

Tells jokes and stuff.

[Charo]

Is he going to miss you? That Much. But you know what? He went around the world and being away from you for a while.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Charo]

And he didn't have that robot woman there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But now I'm just in a house alone. It's different, you know, Albuquerque.

[Christina P]

It's like.

[Charo]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like Melody to come there and just talk.

[Charo]

I'm coming to visit you.

[Tom Segura]

Did I tell you about season two of my show?

[Charo]

I'm scared to ask.

[Tom Segura]

It's cooking up.

[Charo]

What is about tits?

[Tom Segura]

There is a tits thing. There's one whole entire story that takes place in someone's. So there's a.

[Charo]

Tell me that is not true. I don't go that far with you.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's what happens. We're.

[Charo]

I don't. I honestly. No, I interrupt here. If you get that, that low in your life, I'm done.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's what happens. So I'm getting a colonoscopy in the episode. So I'm in the, in the hospital and they give me drugs and they send a tube into my butthole. Right. And the tube has a camera on it. But what happens is there's actually like a little, almost like a alien, like, form that has made its way into the camera. And so he jumps off the camera and then he runs into my. And we have like, other characters that are alive inside of my anus and, like my, like, colon. And they have like this huge battle. And so when they, they fight, eventually they fight because they're. We make it so that inside my ass is like a town. It's like a little town that people live in.

[Christina P]

Tell her about her part, though.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's a different. That's. So at the end, when they take it out, I fart and everybody flies out of my ass onto, like the, the wall. And then all the blood comes up after that. But that's like a huge. It's a. Basically like a western story. Like, you know, guns, cowboys and Indians.

[Christina P]

Polyps are all wearing hats and guns and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

But it's like a. I am absolutely.

[Charo]

Renounced to be your mother. I, I, no, that's enough. If you're going to make a show.

[Tom Segura]

Can you pull this closer again for the 35th time?

[Charo]

If you are really going to make a show that gets that low, that disgusting, that insulting and that disrespectful to me. Yeah, I don't want to get involved in this anymore.

[Tom Segura]

That's not your, that's not your episode, though. We have a different.

[Charo]

Obviously it's not my episode. Obviously it's not.

[Christina P]

But what's not funny? I think, how could you make that better? Like if you're writing it, you, you tell me. I, to me, that's a perfect sketch.

[Tom Segura]

We worked really hard on that. Yeah.

[Charo]

Like pitch us and then it's a person in there and then you look at the photo and they go through the whole.

[Christina P]

I mean, I think it's hilarious. They were laughing. You heard them like. So what's it, what's a comedy idea you think would be better?

[Charo]

Well, I don't see my comedy idea wouldn't go through that area anyway.

[Christina P]

What, what could Tommy?

[Charo]

I don't have his mental. I don't have his disgusting mentality. Yeah, he's disgusting attitude that comes in the TV and he thinks that's funny.

[Christina P]

For example, there's a lot of people that would love for Tom to burp in front of them and he charges extra at meet and greets where you. He will burp.

[Charo]

And I think you both have a mental problem. I got at that point.

[Tom Segura]

We have another one for you. We have another one for you where you're a slave owner, like in the 18th. Oh, you like that one? And well, it's just you on a plantation.

[Christina P]

It's a really nice plantation.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, it's a. Yeah, beautiful.

[Christina P]

So pretty.

[Tom Segura]

Oak, moss, trees, Huge, huge manor. And you just go around and you like, you whip, I bit, you beat them up.

[Charo]

Totally me.

[Tom Segura]

And you hang them and that's the end of the sketch.

[Charo]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[Tom Segura]

Then there's another one.

[Charo]

Of course, you matches my personality. I love to do that stuff. I match, I kill, I swear by everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Like there is one that I, I wanted to pitch you called titslop, which is there's. You're living in this kind of dystopian period where the only way you can pay for this.

[Charo]

I wonder why I'm drinking. When I come to your show, the.

[Tom Segura]

Only way you can pay for things is you can fart or you can do things with your tits. So that's like you, you go to the grocery store and they're like, that's 14 farts. And you see somebody put their. Yeah. And they. So because tits are such a commodity, you have, over the years you've increased the size of your tits. So now they're like quadruple age tits like that.

[Charo]

Almost like that right now.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they're much bigger in this. And the. You use them to like to nurse people, but also to fight people. So like you have like, you swing your tits and you hit people in the face and people.

[Charo]

Where did you get this mentality from?

[Tom Segura]

From you. You're my mom.

[Charo]

No, you definitely didn't get it from me.

[Tom Segura]

Of course they did.

[Charo]

I had nothing to.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe it was your psychological evaluation. I got it from you.

[Christina P]

But what. How much would it take for you to do Ted slop the sketch?

[Charo]

300,000 for.

[Tom Segura]

To do one thing?

[Charo]

Yes.

[Christina P]

That's the whole budget for the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's the whole thing. Series budget.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You can't spend that.

[Charo]

Can't you imagine me doing that?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. For 1300. Yeah.

[Charo]

For 1300.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

I must be desperate for bread today.

[Tom Segura]

Are you?

[Charo]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

But don't you think it'd be very loving to breastfeed people in the sketch and show them your. Your love, you know, and there's nothing like mother's milk.

[Tom Segura]

There really isn't.

[Charo]

I know I don't have mother's milk. I made it.

[Tom Segura]

You do the paramedic one.

[Charo]

What is the paramedic one?

[Tom Segura]

So you're driving an ambulance, right? And you show up on a scene where there's been an accident and the person is on the ground and they're hurt and then you stand, you're. Are you okay? And they're like. Like that. And then you. You go pee on them. You make on them.

[Charo]

And you throw up. Please.

[Tom Segura]

And you throw up on them.

[Christina P]

Please.

[Tom Segura]

And then they're stop there. They're dead and they're healed.

[Charo]

I'm glad. Stop it. No, I can't stand.

[Christina P]

But listen to what he's saying. Is that you have the power to heal people with your vomit.

[Charo]

You guys are so sick. It's just. I can't believe this makes money.

[Tom Segura]

There's another one where you. This one's kind of a stretch, but it's also like. I love the idea because it's counter what you expect, which is that you go to Cambodia and you take these children and you put them in a shipping container and you bring them to Los Angeles and you basically traffic them to get to labor and everything. But eventually they escape and they're saved.

[Charo]

I put them in a container to.

[Tom Segura]

Ship it across the Pacific. Yeah. And then they get to LA and you.

[Charo]

This is a completely.

[Tom Segura]

Sell them.

[Charo]

You have a dirty mind to extreme.

[Tom Segura]

It's called Bad Thoughts. That's the name of the show. It's called Bad Thoughts.

[Charo]

That's what you have 100% in your score.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Bad Thoughts. You want to do that one?

[Christina P]

Yeah, that one's. You don't have to show your tattas. You don't have to peer.

[Charo]

I just traffic children.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but in a funny way.

[Tom Segura]

But they also comedy traffic the children. Well, here's the thing.

[Christina P]

I'm not a good actress.

[Tom Segura]

Your mistake in this. In this story is that you introduce them to softball. And through the. The wonder and the. And the thrill of playing the game of softball, they find friends that help them escape this life that you've sold them into.

[Charo]

How can I sell the children? I save them by saving them.

[Tom Segura]

No, you don't save them. You're the trafficker. You're the person that goes and gives them candy, gets them into the shipping container, sells them for profit in Los Angeles. Because you're a child trafficking kingpin.

[Charo]

That's a monster.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a. It's a monster of a person.

[Charo]

Yeah, but I am not a monster.

[Tom Segura]

But you're an actor.

[Christina P]

You're acting.

[Tom Segura]

You're acting. You're not.

[Charo]

I don't. I can act like a monster.

[Tom Segura]

Sure you can. No, you can.

[Charo]

That's because you can.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Charo]

And you, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's no. I've never heard that. Actually.

[Charo]

The. The thief judge everybody in his own condition.

[Christina P]

Interesting.

[Charo]

Because he thinks that this is something that excites him. Just to mention.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

You ship them and you steal them and you sell them.

[Tom Segura]

Well, being that we're kind of going through the process right now, which would you sign up for?

[Charo]

Did you see my blouse?

[Tom Segura]

That's really cool.

[Charo]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

So which would you do? Would you do child trafficking?

[Charo]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

Charo the slave owner.

[Charo]

What was that?

[Tom Segura]

Charo the slave owner?

[Charo]

Yeah, my slave owner. And I whipped him and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Hang them. Yeah. Okay. Would you do the tit slap where you fart and. And you feed people your tits and you fight them with your tits?

[Charo]

I did. The people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you defeat them and you feed them with your tits and your. Would you do that one? No. And then we. So you'll do the. The colon. You'll do the one where the people live in the asshole. You'll do that.

[Charo]

Oh, my gosh. What is wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is the show. This is like we've been working on. We've been working on this show.

[Charo]

I can do any of those things.

[Tom Segura]

Of course you can.

[Charo]

So these are my choices. People get inside my column and go through my. All my insides. Yes, yes. The dirty parts. And that's part of the wonderful evidence.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Charo]

People die, and I am going to sweep them by pooping and peeing on them.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, there's that one, too. You write the paramedic One. Sorry. Yeah.

[Charo]

Then there is the one that I am. I have a slave, and I beat them to death. And what is the good part? That I do nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the stories are bad thoughts. They're supposed to be bad.

[Charo]

Oh, but also say I dream that I have a slave and I beat him to death.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's the story.

[Christina P]

There's always more slaves there. An endless supply of people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's the part I didn't tell you about that. I told her at the end. You're very sad of the slave one because this is kind of. It shows the emotion because you've killed all your slaves, and then you go.

[Charo]

I kill all my slaves.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But because you're. You're good at training. And then you go to an auction and you buy, like, 50 more, and you're so happy at the end of it, so you're like, oh, I got new slave. Like, so there's like a upside to it.

[Christina P]

It's not just on a high note. He's trying to say. It's like a. It feel good.

[Tom Segura]

It feels good at the end because you're like, look at all my new slaves.

[Charo]

And you and I have new start.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Fresh beginning. Yeah.

[Charo]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

You won't do that one.

[Christina P]

That's so funny.

[Charo]

What is wrong with you, Tommy?

[Tom Segura]

So the paramedic one, it is. Yeah.

[Christina P]

I think that one would be great for you.

[Tom Segura]

All right, put her down for the paramedic one.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Charo's new podcast, Muy Muchachado, comes out tomorrow on the Your Mom's House YouTube channel. You can also listen to it wherever you get podcasts. Please rate, review, and subscribe, and please interact with us about Charles new show. Give her feedback, give her thoughts.

[Charo]

Please, please, please, just be nice to me.

[Tom Segura]

Be nice to her, of course. And hopefully we'll work our way to getting a Miata. All right, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.

[Christina P]

Bye, mommies. Your burps are just violent rips.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

How angry would your mom get? Throwing up. Let it grow and build. I like your burps the best because I feel like they always tell a story.

[Charo]

Please. £600 of men get my point. Put it in that.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking my language.

[Christina P]

Just to let it grow. In the last episode, I had a really bad bite.

[Tom Segura]

I got. I got a bad bite.