Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns" | YMH Ep. 789

Podcast Information:

• Title: Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
• Host/Author: YMH Studios
• Episode: Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789
• Release Date: December 11, 2024
• Description: Comedians Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura, also known as the Mommies, welcome guests to share stories, updates, and humorous insights.

---

1. Tour Announcement

Timestamp: [00:00] – [00:32]

Tom Segura kicks off the episode by announcing his upcoming "Come Together" tour for 2025, highlighting performances in cities like Philadelphia, San Francisco, Reno, Athens (Georgia), Savannah, and North Charleston. He encourages listeners to purchase tickets via his website.

Quote:

• Tom Segura [00:00]: "We're almost into the new year and I'll be bringing my come together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025."

2. Tribute to Chuck Woolery

Timestamp: [03:10] – [06:22]

Christina and Tom pay homage to the late Chuck Woolery, reminiscing about his iconic presence on the show and his role as a host of "Love Connection." They share humorous anecdotes about Chuck's unique mannerisms and interactions with fans.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [03:10]: "Rest in peace. So Chuck Woolery just died."
• Christina P [06:20]: "On your mom's House, rest in peace."

3. Staff Changes and the "Choke" Incident

Timestamp: [10:35] – [12:32]

The hosts discuss recent changes in the show’s staff, attributing the decision to disrespectful behavior in the previous episode. They reflect on a moment when Tom experienced a minor on-air "choke," leading to a humorous yet critical reaction towards former staff members. This segment emphasizes their commitment to maintaining a respectful and enjoyable environment for listeners.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [11:11]: "Sorry, you were just worried. I am fine."
• Christina P [12:32]: "You don't think this is a little overreactive?"

4. Main Interview with Tony Johns

Timestamp: [54:05] – [83:58]

Introduction: Christina and Tom introduce Tony Johns, a guest who has recently made significant life changes. They express excitement about reconnecting and hearing his story.

Tony's Story: Tony shares his journey of moving to upstate New York to reconnect with his biological family after being adopted out west. He discusses overcoming personal challenges, including maintaining sobriety since age 23, securing a stable job at Lowe's, and finding a potential long-term relationship.

Key Points:

• Relocation and Family Reconnection: Tony moved to New York to be closer to his biological family after his adoptive parents passed away.
• Sobriety and Stability: Tony emphasizes his commitment to staying sober and building a stable life.
• Future Relationship: He hints at a budding relationship with a local woman, expressing hope for the future.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [55:21]: "We were just reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now."
• Tony Johns [57:42]: "I've been on a few dates, you know, and... she's really beautiful, you know, blonde hair. She's got, you know, tattoos. Very, very nice girl."
• Christina P [62:26]: "Everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you. We are thrilled that you have your life in such great place and we're all rooting for you."

Impact and Reflections: Christina and Tom commend Tony for his resilience and positive transformation, highlighting his ability to turn his life around through dedication and support from loved ones. They celebrate his achievements and express genuine happiness for his progress.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [63:35]: "Like, he's turned his life around."
• Christina P [64:43]: "I am genuinely thrilled for him."

5. Humorous Interjections and Observations

Timestamp: [16:45] – [53:38]

Throughout the episode, Christina and Tom engage in lighthearted banter, sharing amusing observations about everyday situations and quirky behaviors they've encountered. This includes humorous critiques of public figures, funny mishaps, and playful teasing between the hosts.

Examples:

• Choking Moment: Discussion about Tom's on-air mishap, leading to jokes about workplace discipline and morale.
• Animal Anecdotes: Humorous stories about unusual animal interactions, such as pet tigers and crocodile encounters.
• Everyday Frustrations: Comedic takes on common annoyances like misplaced towels and eccentric hotel guests.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [82:50]: "I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works."
• Christina P [84:15]: "I hate you so much. You just wait for this next drawing."

6. Closing Remarks

Timestamp: [83:58] – End

As the episode concludes, Tom and Christina thank Tony for joining them and reiterate their support for his journey. They remind listeners to check out the show's merchandise, upcoming tour dates, and end with a humorous nod to classic Chuck Woolery clips.

Quotes:

• Tom Segura [84:23]: "Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening."
• Christina P [84:56]: "Bye, jeans. Oh, yeah."
• Tom Segura [86:05]: "I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works. Australian dream."

---

Conclusion: Episode 789 of "Your Mom's House" is a heartfelt and humorous installment featuring a deep dive into Tony Johns' transformative journey. Through a mix of sincere conversation and playful interaction, Christina and Tom create an engaging narrative that celebrates personal growth and the importance of community support. The episode balances touching moments with characteristic humor, making it a memorable addition to the series.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's up everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year and I'll be bringing my come together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th I'll be in Philadelphia. Haven't been there in while. January 24th, San Francisco. 25th January I'm in Reno. January 30th I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st, Savannah. February 1st I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets [e-mail] tour and I will see you there. Well, welcome.

[Christina P]

Welcome to your mom's house. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to bend over backwards just to save a few bucks. So when Mint Mobile said it was easier to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three month plan, I called them on it. And it turns out it really is that easy. We use Mint Mobile at the studio and I'm telling you, it really was super easy to get set up with them. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month go to mint mobile.com mom that's mint mobile.com moment. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com mom $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply.

[Tom Segura]

C Mint Mobile for details and here we go.

[Christina P]

Here you go.

[Tom Segura]

Here you go. Doesn't smell. Smell. Doesn't burn. Doesn't smell. Doesn't burn. Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn. Then greasy.

[Christina P]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

Then greasy. Little greasy. Greasy. Hell yeah.

[Christina P]

What a banger.

[Tom Segura]

What a banger. Rest in peace. So Chuck Woolery just died. And we got for people that don't know, I mean, Chuck was one of the OG clips that we. Because there's an Australian burn and it was a cream that no Australian dream. Sorry, Australian dream doesn't burn and isn't greasy.

[Christina P]

That's what he would say in the.

[Tom Segura]

Copy and we would talk about it on the podcast and people would bombard him. Like everybody. You'd go on Twitter, it was just pages of people being like, chuck, is it greasy? And one day he responded, he put out a tweet and he was like, I guess it's. It's my folksy Kentucky. Oh, that's bringing. And I, you know, he was like, he didn't get that. We were all being like, why do you say it like a dope? Well, getting greasy.

[Christina P]

It doesn't burn it in greasy. And here's the. The interesting part is that chuck woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection.

[Tom Segura]

He'll be back in 2 and 2.

[Christina P]

2 and 2 for, like, a long time. So he was a professional broadcaster.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And my mother was smitten with him in love.

[Tom Segura]

I think a lot of women were. He's a handsome guy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was, you know, he was the kind of like the matchmaker. The male matchmaker.

[Christina P]

He was the matchmaker. And then people. This is before. We would video the dates and people would come on the show and retell the events of the date.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then chuck would be like, tom, did you feel like you could give Christina a good night kiss?

[Tom Segura]

You know, like. Well, I was a little nervous and I had a lot of garlic. Yeah.

[Christina P]

So cute. It was so innocent.

[Tom Segura]

Give it up for mike. You remember? Yeah. Where's the clip of him saying that a guy's an fag? Where's that clip? Because it's unbelievable. You ever seen that one?

[Christina P]

I know. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This guy. And they type out the word, and his last name was f a g o t.

[Christina P]

Which always kills me that people don't just change their name.

[Tom Segura]

This is so crazy.

[Christina P]

I mean, unless he was goofing on chuck, which he may have been.

[Tom Segura]

No, this is like a real thing.

[Christina P]

I'll play the clip. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Tom don't see eye to eye on his love life, and he claims that his job has cost him several relationships. Please welcome Robert faggot. Still rather an odd name. Yeah. You know, it is an odd name. It's also, like, you don't think that guy had heard that enough in his life. Then Chuck ruler. Like, kind of an odd name. And he's like, yeah, I know.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Richard hitler. You didn't think to change your last name?

[Tom Segura]

This guy's parents. How do you not just petition to just go buy something else?

[Christina P]

Well, it's so. Listen, women do it all the time. When you get married, you go down to the Social Security office. You go to the dmv, you bring the license. You change your name.

[Tom Segura]

You change your name. Yeah.

[Christina P]

You can just do that. You can change your name to anything you want.

[Tom Segura]

You can.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's totally possible. It's so crazy, but yeah. God, Chuck woolery brought us so much joy for so long.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

On your mom's House, rest in peace.

[Tom Segura]

He was great. Yeah, he was great. And he was a hardcore MAGA guy, so he would have been. It's so sad. He would have been real happy. Maybe this was like. Maybe he went out, like with a huge smile on his face where he's like, the country safe.

[Christina P]

That's why he felt like he could pass. Yeah. Because on Twitter there for a while, he was getting real spicy. Yeah, I remember he was getting real.

[Tom Segura]

I just got an email this morning. I got invited to go to the inauguration.

[Christina P]

You did?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But it's a. It's a paid. You know, you pay because you're basically funding the inauguration.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It's a really cool offer to get.

[Christina P]

You mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign?

[Tom Segura]

It was. It's so much money too. It's like to go to an. Can you imagine just going there to see some blow hard, walk down the street and wave and you're like, I'll pay for this. Sure.

[Christina P]

I think just the sheer volume of people going and what a fucking getting in and out of the area and what a disaster. Just, just regardless of who's being inaugurated.

[Tom Segura]

I agree. I'm saying I wouldn't do it. I'm saying to pay to go to an inauguration would just sounds like such a nightmare.

[Christina P]

The only inauguration I would go to and pay for was is Will Blunderfeld.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Christina P]

When he wins, I'll go.

[Tom Segura]

When he wins, he might run for prez. He's Canadian.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's true.

[Tom Segura]

Prime Minister of Canada. Sure, he could run. That's so funny that you didn't know this, but we actually have some new Will Blunder from clips.

[Christina P]

You're kidding.

[Tom Segura]

I swear.

[Christina P]

Favorite.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, I think we should probably play the opening of this show.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God, we got so excited. God. Today is just. I. I woke up this morning beyond excited about.

[Tom Segura]

There's a lot going on today.

[Christina P]

So. Good.

[Tom Segura]

It's really exciting.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

All right, here you go. Here's your opener. Ready? Here you go.

[Tony John]

Wanna say dead ass. The reason why I'm wearing this yellow weird thing is my ass is gonna be doing community service for the state of Utah.

[Tom Segura]

Woo.

[Tony John]

I got a dui, baby. Don't bring anyone mother into this.

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina.

[Christina P]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. It's a classic. And there's a reason why he's going to be considered a that why this is a classic today. We'll get to it in A little bit. I think there's a lot to get into first. I'm overwhelmed with how much cool stuff is here.

[Christina P]

Me too. Can I tell you, I'm. I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode. Just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have. And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here. If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender neutral person in your life that loves lipstick.

[Tom Segura]

Could be a guy.

[Christina P]

Could be a guy.

[Tom Segura]

It's not just for women.

[Christina P]

It's not just for women. It's for cats. It's for pets. It's for whatever you want. The perfect four. These are all four of my lipstick colors. Atomic red, Madison, Berlin. And of course, the perfect red comes in the package. Buy it now. I'm wearing Berlin today to show you how moody.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

Aren't I seductive and weird. A little bit. And mysterious.

[Tom Segura]

Is that called Berlin?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It looks like a German girl.

[Christina P]

Thank you. That's the whole point.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I was so inspired by my trip, though.

[Tom Segura]

Sultry, dark German girl who's like, yeah, you lay on the ground and I'll squat over your face.

[Christina P]

Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

And. Exactly. And I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

She's going to squat over your face.

[Tom Segura]

That is exciting. You may notice if you're watching today's episode, there's a few new faces in the booth, and there's a reason for that. We let go of the other staff that was in there because they were exceptionally disrespectful on the last episode of this show. So we said bye bye to them and hello to the new trio, you know.

[Christina P]

You don't think you're overreacting a little bit?

[Tom Segura]

I do not. I think I'm embracing the Christmas spirit.

[Christina P]

Tom. It was. For those of you don't know what he's referring to. It was the choke heard round the world.

[Tom Segura]

Here it is. For those that don't know. Hey, guys. I was listening to this to the Adrienne Appellucci episode. But by the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. You guys are, of course. What? I just choked for a second. I can't choke. Hey, fuck you.

[Christina P]

It was just scary on Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

Why is.

[Christina P]

I got scared. I thought you were dying.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's fired.

[Christina P]

We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned?

[Tom Segura]

I'm fine.

[Christina P]

I'm gonna do a drawing for you. Choking on some. I already know how it's Gonna go.

[Tom Segura]

In my head there's repercussions.

[Tony John]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yes, there are.

[Christina P]

What are you gonna do?

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's no Christmas party anymore and I'm not doing end of year bonuses. And I am taking back your gift. Now let's move on to the next segment.

[Christina P]

What made you choke?

[Tom Segura]

Netflix. I can't. I hope it's bad.

[Christina P]

You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty. You're spicy.

[Tom Segura]

It's sad that we're going to have an all new staff after the new year, but I'm looking forward to meeting them. This is everyone's last show, so say your goodbye, happy holidays, we'll see you soon. There it is. There's the whole thing.

[Christina P]

And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. This team.

[Christina P]

This is unbelievable. You don't think it's.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I like these new faces so much more. I was so over the other ones.

[Christina P]

You don't think this is a little overreactive?

[Tom Segura]

No, I think it's perfect. I think they gotta. Everyone's gotta understand things in life, Tom.

[Christina P]

Let's go over the moment of the choke.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

What happened?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I feel like some saliva just kind of, you know, it just kind of passed through as I was trying to speak. If I wasn't speaking you, nobody would have noticed. So I was speaking and I just had a little.

[Christina P]

Do you think the saliva was because you had a rugie? Were you. Did you have a rugie in your mouth?

[Tom Segura]

I did have a rogue in my mouth, yeah. I love rogues. Speaking of rogues, It's a great time.

[Christina P]

This is not a problem.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a plug. It's a life.

[Christina P]

Oh, I love.

[Tom Segura]

I love my roguies.

[Christina P]

Stupid.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a plug. It's life.

[Christina P]

So dumb.

[Tom Segura]

Somebody gave me. I did the. I did the Dallas bar takeover for Porosos last week at the tavern, which was the best experience I've ever had doing a bar takeover. Like, honestly, we all walked out of there like, oh, man. If they're like this, just. We could do them. It was just. The place was great. Somebody gave. They're like, I know you like rogues. They gave me a fresh can of rogies. Their thing is on there, their handle. I can't read it though. At Cody something. Anyway, great gift, great gift, great gift.

[Christina P]

So let's get back to the choke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I had a rogie in it and everything's better already. We've got another exciting week of hoops coming up and I've got the perfect way to get you even closer to the action on the court. Right now, all new DraftKings customers who bet just $5 will get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. Just download the DraftKings sportsbook app and sign up using my promo code MOM. The Crown is yours. And don't forget to stay in on the action and use your 150 bucks in bonus bets on DraftKings. Same game parlays for a shot at an even bigger payout. Combine multiple bets together from the same game. Sports betting is not yet available in your state. Don't worry, you can still join in on the all the fun the DraftKings daily fantasy and have the shot to win cash prizes. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app now. New customers use my promo code MOM and bet just $5 on any wager and get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. That's promo code MOM only at DraftKings Sportsbook Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York, call 877-8-Open Y or text hopeny 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-778 7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Boyd in Ontario. Bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG co B Ball.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

And I forget.

[Christina P]

Were you reading something there?

[Tom Segura]

I was getting ready. I was talking about Adrian Appolucci's new special. I was saying, it's great. And I was reading. I think I was reading a message from someone about it. And then as it. I choked. And then you were like. And then.

[Christina P]

No, I didn't.

[Tom Segura]

The level. The level. Excuse me. The level of disrespect from the booth was. I could not ignore it.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so it was just time to.

[Christina P]

Time to chop their heads off. Off with their heads. Yeah. Because what struck. What struck, I think the former staff. And I was. You're. You're. You didn't acknowledge the choke. And usually broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be, oh, excuse me. Pardon me. Yeah, maybe I choke. Oh, my goodness. You know, and you decided, oh, my.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my goodness.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Whoopsie. Whoopsie daisy. I chok.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

You didn't acknowledge it. What. What was going on in your mind?

[Tom Segura]

I was just like, this is something that everybody understands. Who's ever spoken that things like this happen sometimes. So I just thought everybody was like, yeah, I know what that is.

[Christina P]

I didn't. I thought you were having a seizure, and I thought maybe you were going to collapse. And I was just happy that you were. Yes. Still talking. But the fact that it was the unacknowledgement of the choke that people were really taken with. I. I thought it was. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

So it's taken over the YMH world.

[Tom Segura]

I know a lot of people have the choke herd.

[Christina P]

I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate.

[Tom Segura]

For fuck's sake.

[Christina P]

The choke. Just give me some time. I'm working on it. These things take hours.

[Tom Segura]

You mean like this? Yeah. This last one that you did that was.

[Christina P]

It takes days and hours and weeks. Yeah. There's my portrait.

[Tom Segura]

Clearly the thing that's supposed to be me that sold like hotcakes. Your super disrespectful artwork. It looks a lot more like Ari Schaefer than it does me.

[Christina P]

Well, hold on. First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom. Thank you for supporting the arts. Here's the deal, man. This is what I thought, because Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him.

[Tom Segura]

He does.

[Christina P]

Hold on. Is it that the portrait looks like Ari or that you look like a Jew? Have you thought about your Jewish Features.

[Tom Segura]

I'm trying to think what else I can take away from you right now.

[Christina P]

Nana's laughing in the booth. Is she gonna get fired, too?

[Tom Segura]

I'm focused on you right now.

[Christina P]

But you don't think that you have a Jewish. It is the nose. Everybody can see the nose is very. Oh, you just look at his profile just now. He. Look at that. It hangs over a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Is Josh Zolo still around? No, he's gone. We have it. The point is, I thought we were.

[Tom Segura]

Doing away with all the Jews here.

[Christina P]

That is Christmas time. Let's look at some features.

[Tom Segura]

That's great, guys.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I think that. Okay. I mean, look at the young lady on the top. Yeah, there you go.

[Tom Segura]

What is the link there that says. See that? The second from the left where it says no go to go one to the left that says nose job numbers are shoot down. I wonder, what is that about for Jew? Nose jobs are no longer a thing among teenage Jewish girls. Graduation presents, birthday gives, Hanukkah handouts. We don't know. We don't want to know what you received in the second. For decades, nose jobs have been a common bequest in the Jewish community.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Fueled. Okay, scroll down a little bit. Fueled by a struggling economy, cosmetic surgeries, no jobs being no exception, are declining across the board. Wait, this is an old article, though, right? Or when was this printed? Yeah. 2012. That's very old. All right, never mind. I remember a girl in high school.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who was 14.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And had a schnauz, like a real beak. And she came in. I think it was after the summer break.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

With the nose job. And looked gorgeous. It's really crazy. No, I did not date her. No.

[Christina P]

There you go. That's Tom. Yeah. There you go. Can you lift up the glasses a little bit so we can see your full note? Yeah. And the older you get. It turned to the side, please. Profile. Yeah. It's just getting more and more Jewish. Elongated Jewish nature.

[Tom Segura]

I get. People believe.

[Christina P]

And the baldness.

[Tom Segura]

They'll believe if I'm Jewish. I think they also believe if I'm French. I've had that a lot. When I was in France, everybody thought I was French.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

When you have allergies and you're very like celiac disease, you can't eat certain things. It irritates your belt. My bell's bothering me. I hear that a lot from you. Iraq. Okay, so you're always talking about money.

[Tom Segura]

I'm always talking about money. Okay.

[Christina P]

What was I going to tell you now? I'VE forgotten my train of thought. Yeah, French kind of. Sure. I think it's more your attitude. Kind of arrogant like the French. I know you like their. Their arrogance and such.

[Tom Segura]

This is a really fun episode. Keep going.

[Christina P]

I'm gonna make a portrait. Just give me time, people of a.

[Tom Segura]

French Jewy smuggler, Money grubbing, choking at the same time. Yeah, well, you know, you look great today. Your hair looks nice.

[Christina P]

Thanks.

[Tom Segura]

Put these back on. I can't see.

[Christina P]

Yeah, put them back on, dad. Put your damn dad glasses on.

[Tom Segura]

There we go. Now. All right. Well, I think it looks more like Arie Schaefer than it does me. God, it actually looks like a exact portrait of him.

[Christina P]

Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schaefer. Not that, the drawing.

[Tom Segura]

Do you guys think that too?

[Christina P]

Oh, think carefully before you answer. Geez.

[Tom Segura]

No, never. Negative, sir.

[Christina P]

Are you happy now? You terrorize the staff.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not trying to terrorize. I just want.

[Christina P]

You terrorized them.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't do it.

[Christina P]

Is this what you want as a celebrity? You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow, cowering in fear? Well, I'm not doing it. Sagura. I'm not doing it. I don't care. You're going to fire me from your mom's house? Good luck. Good luck? I've got 2 million people ordering prints that support me here.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, good. You're still going to have a bad Christmas.

[Christina P]

You shut up.

[Tom Segura]

I've never felt more validated in my life.

[Christina P]

For what?

[Chuck Woolery]

So let's come back to you though, Mr. Schroeder. So how much have you paid your gate agents to enforce your carry on bag policy? To pick people out of the line like the chairman's video showed? I mean, you guys do appreciate that flying on your airlines is a disaster, don't you? I'm slightly amazed by the general attitude of all of you here. Flying on your airlines is horrible. It's terrible experience. I mean, I say this as a father of three young children, but I can't tell you. Nobody enjoys flying on your airlines. It's a disaster. You charge people fees that they know nothing about. You harassed them to death.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Amen, Senator Holly given it to a couple CEOs about the carry on policy. And let me just say this. I was right. And I'm always right. And that girl is a you.

[Christina P]

Oh, is this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the story again? She told you to this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, let me tell you something.

[Christina P]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

I am. I'm boarding a flight from JFK to Austin. And I'm first in line. I'm first in line to board.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this goes, hey, you're gonna have to check that bag. And I'm like, what, are we flying on a regional jet from New or from. From New York.

[Christina P]

How big? What bag was it? Was it big? Was it a dozen?

[Tom Segura]

It's my daily. It's my roller that I take every single trip.

[Christina P]

It's a classic sized carry on.

[Tom Segura]

It's an overhead.

[Christina P]

Yeah, okay, okay.

[Tom Segura]

And this goes, hey, you're gonna have to check that back. And I go, really? What kind of aircraft are we flying on today? And they're like, oh, you know, I'm like, is it a regional plane? Because sometimes you do it flag the little puddle jump, the Barbie plane where you check everything.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, are we on one of those?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, oh, no, you're on like a 737 or something. I'm like, well, this is the same bag I flew here with. And I fly everywhere with this bag. No, it's too big. And I'm like, what? So anyway, I have another employee from the airline with me there. And I go, why is she doing this? And she goes, gate agents, like, rule this area. Like, we can't over speak over them, basically, right? And I'm like, like, whatever she decides is a thing. And I'm just like, why are you doing this? She's like, it's too big. And I'm like, it's not too big anyway, you just give it up. Which is what I did. You just go, okay, hold on, hold on. So then I get on the plane. I get on the plane and I look and I'm like, this is a standard overhead thing. So I ask again, I go, why did they take the bag right now? They're just like, she just decided to. But this informs you as to why. No, no, this informs you as to why. It's because the airlines are paying gate agents to confiscate bags. So they're giving them incentives. They're doing it to make money. So the fucking that I. So then I went. I went on Twitter and I sat there and I just wrote, what a fucking bitch. You know, fucking whatever. And everyone's like, oh, you threw a tantrum. It's like, it's not really. I didn't verbally accost anybody. I didn't physically assault anybody, although it would have been a pleasure. I just wrote a couple tweets. People like, oh, you lost your mind. I'm like, I didn't Lose my mind. The point is, I was right. She was just selectively taking a bag to make a few extra bucks. Okay.

[Chuck Woolery]

And your. Your attitude here today seems to be, will devil may care, there's nothing we can do about it. Well, I think we are going to do something about it. So how much have you paid people to pull out customers who are in line with a bag that's two centimeters too big? Mr. Schroeder?

[Tom Segura]

Well, we recognize this is a hard job, and so therefore we incentivize them to do that.

[Chuck Woolery]

How much?

[Tom Segura]

It's $10 per bag.

[Chuck Woolery]

Wow. $10 per bag. And I think, Mr. Klein, you and Mr. Schroeder, your airlines cumulatively have spent $26 million paying gate agents between 2022 and 2023 to catch passengers whose bags are a little bit too big. $26 million. I mean, if people want to know why it's such a terrible experience to fly, this is news for them. Today, your airlines are paying millions of dollars to your employees to harass people who've already paid. They're there in line because they've already paid.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. So I'm just saying this is exactly what happened to me, and I just want to say it again. I was right. And you're still a fucking.

[Christina P]

Oh, wow. Vindicated. And may say something else tomorrow. I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking.

[Tom Segura]

Look at my nose.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

Supply.

[Christina P]

No, that is sinister. I had no idea. I had no idea.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P]

I didn't know. And I always hate that too. Where they're like, you check the thing in the beginning, you're going to have to check it in. It's like, dude, why.

[Tom Segura]

But the whole point, the thing people is that people are like, oh, some people get their bag, it's like, yeah, it shouldn't have been taken though. It wasn't oversized.

[Christina P]

No. And also you're like the first guy on. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, shouldn't you see if someone else's bag doesn't fit later on?

[Christina P]

Later on because you, it stands to reason that you would have enough space to put it even if it is bigger or whatever. But it wasn't. That is so. And those two airlines, by the way, that Senator Holly is, oh my God, hands down the worst airlines.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I think you guys can. We're not going to say their names, but you can intuitively guess.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah. You can figure it out.

[Christina P]

You can figure it out. It's. It is. It's so weird how shitty they can be.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P]

It's like that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most. You know what I mean? Like they should be.

[Tom Segura]

I know, it's terrible. This whole thing just works people up to like this, this whole world of like, it's, it's a, it's a, it's an abuse of power. It is, it's over it's like, it's. And it's just now it's to, you know, fill somebody else's pockets up.

[Christina P]

And then the holidays are here, and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma and they're gonna stick it to you. Yeah. Could you imagine? They'll stick it flying with kids and they're gonna fucking take away your carry on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag or.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then. And then they just cancel your flights and they're like, well, guess you're fucked. You're spending the night in Detroit or whatever. That. That was the worst part of touring for last 20 years. You would just get stuck in cities. I would get stuck in airports just overnight. Guess you're sleeping in Hartford. Like, what? What? That's it? You're not gonna. They wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight. Remember that shit?

[Tom Segura]

Totally.

[Christina P]

God.

[Tom Segura]

I was. At one time, we got the worst. We got derailed, you know, like, hey, we're not flying. Everybody was. And I was at the gate with all like a hundred people and they're like, yeah, they're canceling the flight. So tomorrow. And someone's like, well, where are you putting us up? And they're like, oh, we're not doing that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this group of people got closer to the gate and they're like, you. No, no, no, we are going to put you up.

[Christina P]

Yes, they got the money.

[Tom Segura]

I watched them switch. They were just like, here's your vouchers. Here you go.

[Christina P]

Oh, they have the money to put.

[Tom Segura]

Of course they do.

[Christina P]

Don't you worry about it. By the way, guys, if I were you, and you're. I mean, always look up. There's a lot of accounts on Tick Tock and places to find out hacks, like, if they cancel your flight, you're entitled to whatever. There's always a way. Just look at these. They're ripping you off. It's just so. It's egregious.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this will. Let's change the mood a little bit.

[Christina P]

No, I'm so upset. I hate the.

[Tom Segura]

Let's have a little fun now.

[Christina P]

Okay. Okay.

[Tony John]

Hi, this is Frankie Valley. Sorry we missed you last time, but we're coming back on September 5th to the Cobb Center. So get your friends together and come by and we'll really have a great time.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. Happy holiday.

[Christina P]

So hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Come see Frankie.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

We're having a good time. You can't even get out the water. So sad.

[Tom Segura]

So we've been playing these videos because they just don't make any sense to us where you're all baffled by somebody, like not, what are you doing? It's so strange. He's 90. He's 90 years old.

[Christina P]

Poor baby.

[Tom Segura]

And so finally we got an email about it. Happy to share it with you guys. Hey, Tim and Tina. I work in audio production at a theater in Canada where Frankie Valli performed a few months ago. Just want to say it was one of the biggest bummer shows I've ever seen. I have no idea as to why they're dragging that half cadaver on stage, but I can tell you about some of the technical fuckery from a tech perspective. First of all, he is obviously singing to tracks recorded in the 70s by our guests, as are the backup singers. Frankie also has a switch, has a mic with a switch that he can turn on between songs to talk to the audience. But once the song is on, he switches the mic off and does the. What is it? Nosferutu thing.

[Christina P]

Nosferatu.

[Tom Segura]

Nosferatu thing.

[Christina P]

A real goth would have known that.

[Tom Segura]

Got it. He seemed like a nice old man, but the whole crew was really sad that day. Where are the bodies? They're on stage. Hope this doesn't scare you. Well, thanks, Dan.

[Christina P]

I mean, I think too, it's. Isn't it kind of. I mean, it's kind of duplicitous too, for an audience you, you think you're paying to watch Frankie Valli sing live and then he's singing to the tracks. Okay, fine, that's. That's the gig. Wouldn't you want to put up the audio maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago? You know what I mean? Like a recording live, not the actual 70s recording. Do you see what I'm saying? Like put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally that he could. Well, who's going to this show though, if he's 90? His fans have to be.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly.

[Christina P]

Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

They're probably just like, that was crazy good. They don't, they don't know what's going on.

[Christina P]

You think they're just checked out?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina P]

They're all vampires like him.

[Tom Segura]

It's not somebody like in their 30s.

[Christina P]

Can you, can you believe? But at 90, God bless him, he can still get out there. Yeah, 90. How does he even get to these gigs? He's flying, Tom. Yeah, is he flying? Do you think he can afford to fly private?

[Tom Segura]

Hopefully. Cuz that's why he's doing these gigs, is to make Money? I don't think so.

[Christina P]

Why. Why at 90? What do you think is going on? I mean, is it a legacy thing? Is he like.

[Tom Segura]

There's only really two good explanations. One would be that he's like, well, if I stop doing this, I'll. Like a lot of people, you know, they go like, the guy retires, then he dies.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

It's like you have to, like, have something to keep working towards.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

The other one is that there is an actual need for money.

[Christina P]

Money.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's the only other explanation.

[Christina P]

But he was his. His success happened at a time when people made residuals. Yeah. Like, he. So many hits, right?

[Tom Segura]

I would think so. But there's always that lifestyle thing.

[Christina P]

Okay, how about this? How many ex wives does he have? Let's look at the life. Is there like multiple kids is like families on the payroll?

[Tom Segura]

That's always a very logical explanation for it. You know, also people that are high level earners who. Oh, I'm seeing multiple marriages already.

[Christina P]

There we go.

[Tom Segura]

Four times.

[Christina P]

Oh, Frankie Valley's family from his son with a restraining order. Okay. So there's some drama.

[Tom Segura]

Two children with the first, none with the second, three with the third, the fourth. Let's see, eight. Yeah. Okay, so he has six children. Six children's. A lot of kids.

[Christina P]

Tom, how are we gonna. How are you gonna ruin your life?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, famous and, I don't.

[Christina P]

Know, successful and rich and stuff. Like, are we gonna. Are you gonna do multiple marriages? Are you gonna start a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island? Like, what kind of mayhem are you going to get into?

[Tom Segura]

I feel like trafficking thing sure sounds funny. You know what would be crazy? I was thinking about a couple of things that would be like a fun thing. I think I have to level up a few more times before I can do this.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

One would be to hunt endangered species. Like, you know what I mean? When they go, there's 11 of these birds left. And then I go, well, now there's 10. Yeah. You know, one of those. That seems really cool because that.

[Christina P]

Does that really exist? That people are like, I'm sure they're like, I'm gonna go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that. There's one left. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's all about money, right? Looks like you can just pay. Yeah. You can hunt an Arabian onyx for 10 grand. Yeah.

[Christina P]

So do you think you're gonna. You're gonna get into hunting endangered.

[Tom Segura]

The cost to hunt an African bongo antelope is $35,000.

[Christina P]

But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy, the.

[Tom Segura]

Joy of being like there's one less. This, this world only had a few. Now there's one less because of me. That sounds like a real. But I'll tell you what.

[Christina P]

I think you're making your mark.

[Tom Segura]

What the highest level thing is.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And I think you really have to have well into nine figures, maybe ten figures to do. This is you go to a war torn, just really depressed place someplace where it's just Apocalypse now here, currently in 2024, soon to be 2025, and you just, you pay someone to hunt people. I bet that is probably something you can do where you just go, oh, I'm, I'm.

[Christina P]

God, you're top of the heap now. Hold on. I, I. Yes. And as they say in the improv world, I'm gonna. Yes. And you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I feel like doing it in a war torn country is too easy. Like we could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle and boom, you're in the war. Too easy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

You can hunt and kill first world people that like New York City. They take you into New York City.

[Tom Segura]

And you can stab like the CEO just got assassinated. Look at this. Russian luxury offer pirate hunting cruises. That sounds so Russian for sure. Wealthy pay. What is it, 8, 5, 800 per day?

[Christina P]

That's it. That's nothing.

[Tom Segura]

To patrol the most dangerous waters in the world, hoping to be attacked by raiders. When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns and rocket launchers. That's fucking badass.

[Christina P]

What a relaxing vacation.

[Tom Segura]

That is so fucking cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Oh. The yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia. In Somalia. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

From Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya.

[Chuck Woolery]

Perfect.

[Tom Segura]

The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just 5 knots in an attempt to attract entrance of pirates.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Holy shits.

[Christina P]

At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages. These people are just paying to commit murder.

[Tom Segura]

That's fucking awesome. And I'll tell you what, that is so Russian. Yeah, so, so Russian. And I think it's really cool.

[Christina P]

Well, I do like that somebody is capitalizing what pieces of these wealthy people can be really cool.

[Tom Segura]

I still hope it that that luxury ocean liners in Russia. That is incredible. Could you imagine 5,800 a day? That's reasonable, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you can.

[Tom Segura]

It's not that crazy.

[Christina P]

It's not that crazy. But is this in rubles or whatever?

[Tom Segura]

No, that's just Dollars. US Dollars there. So six grand a day to get hunted by Somali. I hope we get attacked today. And I'm gonna fire a rocket launcher into a ship with an 18 year old Somali kid.

[Christina P]

Right. Just some poor. Yeah, like, desperate. I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to feed my family, dude.

[Tom Segura]

And then I did and they blew up. It was amazing. Yeah, that would be really cool. You know, and people. Oh, my Desus. Who we've seen, of course, he made a. I think it's a perfect transition from that conversation. A collection of me as famous killers.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. So there he did. He made me as Ted Kaczynski right there.

[Christina P]

That's really good. It's really good.

[Tom Segura]

There's another one. Pretty cool.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Lots of Ted.

[Christina P]

May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile.

[Tom Segura]

They really. Thank you.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Who's this fella?

[Tom Segura]

That's Larry Hall.

[Christina P]

Oh, what did he. I don't want to know what he did, actually. Why am I asking? Oh, there we go. Charlie.

[Tom Segura]

Charlie Manson.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that one's good. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he really did a good job.

[Christina P]

The swastika, he really burned in there.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Ed Kemper.

[Christina P]

Okay. I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat. I don't even know these guys.

[Tom Segura]

Look at that.

[Christina P]

That's good. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That is pretty cool, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I kind of like you more as Dahmer.

[Tom Segura]

You're cute as a hair. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Very cute.

[Tom Segura]

There we are. Green River Killer.

[Christina P]

That one's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

That is cool. Wow, Bundy.

[Christina P]

There you go. Fresh shaven. That's a. That's a younger tone.

[Tom Segura]

I was just there. I was just in Tallahassee. That's where he was a big time goofball. And he went into the.

[Christina P]

Yo, here's a rich guy thing you can get into is doing pilgrimages to where, like, serial killer stuff happens.

[Tom Segura]

So we were talking to the cops in Tallahassee and we're like, hey, you know the Bundy? He's like, yeah, you know that guy? And we're like, so is that house the Omega Kai house? He's like, it's still there. And. And it's like. I was like, does it ever. You know? He's like, well, every once in a while we'll get a call that some fucking weird guy is just like, can I take pictures and like, walk around?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we have to go like, take that guy out of there. But he's like, yeah, it's still.

[Christina P]

But that's Another rich guy lane. Like, for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor. When he recorded an album, he requested to record it in the Charles Manson Sharon Tate murder house on CLO Drive.

[Tom Segura]

Very cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah. So you can do cool things.

[Tom Segura]

You know who does cool stuff like that all the time is Yoshi. He always goes to like, no, you.

[Christina P]

Don'T have to be wealthy.

[Tom Segura]

Every location where something horrible has happened, he's like, hi, I'm here. People die here. Yep, yep. Son of Sam.

[Christina P]

Your hairline's pretty cool there.

[Tom Segura]

That is pretty cool. He really nailed these Photoshop spin, dude.

[Christina P]

He's really talented.

[Tom Segura]

John Wayne Gacy.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. Look at the smile. You got your grand.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy to smile on on an arrest like that, you know?

[Christina P]

But can I tell you why not? You're already going down.

[Tom Segura]

You're done. I know.

[Christina P]

You may as well do a goofy mug shot photo if you're gonna go down. Who cares? Oh, my God, look how sweet you are there. Who's that?

[Tom Segura]

Rodney Alcala. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You look cute there. Sweet.

[Tom Segura]

And there's Dahmer again.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah. He really likes you as Dahmer. He did you twice as Dahmer, but.

[Tom Segura]

Three times as Kaczynski.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's true. Yeah, you match that.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool.

[Christina P]

Good work. Oh, my Jesus. Good thing. Good use of talent, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Good use of. Yeah, I know you'll like something like this. This is the old name, name prank thing I love. She said that you can call for my brother real quick. Yeah, okay, perfect.

[Christina P]

Is it Mike? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hoochie.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Attention, customers, Can I please have Mike.

[Tom Segura]

Poochie to the service desk, please?

[Christina P]

Can I please have Mike Poochie to the service desk? Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Mike.

[Christina P]

Mike Poochie, please come to electronics.

[Tom Segura]

His name's Dylan.

[Tony John]

He goes by Dill, though.

[Tom Segura]

You can just say Dill.

[Christina P]

What's his last name?

[Tom Segura]

Dill.

[Chuck Woolery]

Dill do.

[Tom Segura]

Ruby Rubidy. Yeah.

[Tony John]

Last name Snuts.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's good.

[Tom Segura]

Fun.

[Christina P]

There's two things I'm really into right now. The diarrhea videos and like these silly call out name.

[Tom Segura]

The diarrhea videos.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I always like.

[Tom Segura]

I like Kaka, that guy who does, like, diarrhea tests.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Where he's like, look, people always tag.

[Tom Segura]

Christina P. And Tom Segura from your mom's house podcast. No videos. The truth is, Tom Segora used to fill my holes with the black guys.

[Chuck Woolery]

In the truck stop before he was famous.

[Tom Segura]

More like what, your mom's house prolapse.

[Christina P]

What? Is this true, Tom?

[Tom Segura]

This is true. This Is true. I didn't want this to come out today, but it's Christmas season.

[Christina P]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean, I get to the point, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, I guess apparently IG took down his diarrhea test.

[Christina P]

No. Because I was hoping to get a Thanksgiving one after.

[Tom Segura]

Thankfully, we've saved quite a few of them.

[Christina P]

Yeah, thankfully, Thankfully.

[Tom Segura]

Diarrhea test.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Come on, man. Don't stop doing what you're good at.

[Tom Segura]

Also, you know our buddy Will Blunderfeld.

[Christina P]

Of course I know Will Blunderfeld.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of butts and everything. Yeah, we. Some of the. The team here, the research team was able to find videos of his that were on another channel before he started doing all these, like, learning informational posts.

[Christina P]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Christina P]

I like to see his early work.

[Tony John]

What's up, yogis?

[Tom Segura]

So the. But the anus particularly is considered very dirty and faggoty in our society. Was expecting that through the butthole quite often.

[Christina P]

Yeah. So you can see that. Don't stretch it so hard.

[Tom Segura]

It's quite tight.

[Christina P]

Yikes.

[Tom Segura]

Niana, can you please stop covering your face using a butt plug or a dildo. You should squeeze and release. Wow.

[Christina P]

Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine. I'm with Niana here. I don't know what it is to.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of take the. Yeah, the lustfulness out of it. The lust is gone out of the anal area. Isn't that cool? Now, so we have the anal opening and then an inch and a half or, sorry, 5cm in on the inner wall is the walnut gland of the prostate. The external pressure point for the prostate is right here. So not here, not here, but right before the analogy.

[Christina P]

And it feels a little bit like.

[Tom Segura]

You have to piss and a little bit like you're having an or. I invite you to just play with your anus. Especially if you identify as a heterosexual male. Placing the fingers on the anus.

[Christina P]

I don't know. Massaging your anus. I feel the same way. Right. Look, I love Will. I love you. Will it just. I. I tell you what I don't like, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Tell me what?

[Christina P]

It's hard for me to watch. I should say I love him. I love his anus. I love his body. I think he's fantastic. He's just a little grabby. It's a little forceful how he opens his anus with his, you know, like. Just be tender.

[Tom Segura]

You'll get there. You'll get there. Just gotta kind of.

[Christina P]

Yeah, just be tender.

[Tom Segura]

You're thinking kind of like a person who's still dirty and. But if you kind of relax into it, it'll be fine. Okay.

[Christina P]

He's just so. And his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man, you know? And I just. I feel for his anus because it's a little.

[Tom Segura]

You don't like your anus?

[Christina P]

I don't. I don't consider my anus a sexual. For me, it's just. Caca comes out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't.

[Christina P]

I'm not into putting stuff in there now.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is a good transition for you because this is also something I've been so excited to share so many things with you today. Here is one of them you can take. There's a Happy Thanksgiving.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

On the Avenue today. I'm going to demonstrate pinot wire on ice. I cook every Thanksgiving. Italian bushelone.

[Tony John]

It's an Italian dish my grandmother started.

[Tom Segura]

About 80 years ago. So I show you how to drink the wine with it. Here's your Italian food. Okay. Delicious. Do that and then put some garlic and greases in your mouth.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's so good.

[Tom Segura]

Once it helps some of the grease go down.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Good audio, too, for a video.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You might want to go outdoors where maybe it's quiet.

[Tom Segura]

Was. Maybe go to, like, a football game next time and record it in the stands. There you go. Happy Thanksgiving. He's great.

[Christina P]

So he's absolutely my favorite. Yeah, I do like that. He puts ice in red wine. Look, you're Floridian.

[Tom Segura]

He's an outlier.

[Christina P]

Oh, he's definitely. He's a creator and inventor. But your Floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Why not? Put it in the red.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, do what you want.

[Christina P]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

Whatever you like.

[Christina P]

What. What rule is there?

[Tom Segura]

There's no rules.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You can do whatever the heck you want. I really like that.

[Tom Segura]

You can drink what you want.

[Christina P]

I like.

[Tom Segura]

You can also make a salmon milkshake if you want.

[Christina P]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know what I love when he. Which is so true because it's such a subtle distinction. When he's like. You feel the grease going down your throat, and you're like. Yeah, that's the joy of eating a process to me is the grease runs down your throat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know, I never thought of it.

[Tom Segura]

Grease.

[Christina P]

It's so good. He's right. He's right.

[Tom Segura]

So now is. The most exciting part of this show is we played an opening clip of a legendary guy here.

[Christina P]

I'm sweating. I'm so excited.

[Tom Segura]

Why is it not here. Oh, there it is.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. And he's fired. You know, 19 virus, and he's gone. He does such a great impression of Tony.

[Tom Segura]

He does. We'll have to reach out to him sometime, so. And through the years, you know, we learned about him getting a dui. Take your. Take your Ubers, you know, and then things kind of took a turn. You know, things got kind of crazier with Tony. John.

[Tony John]

You know what's been bugging me lately? My neighbor, you know, keeps on, you know, harassing me, whatever. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, long story short, you know, his wife comes home early from work. You know, his wife comes home and, you know, she's like, tony, can I get some help with my groceries? Because I was, you know, working on my car. I. I up a bulb on my passenger, you know, front side, but whatever. So I was working on my car, and she's like, can I have some? You know, helping with the groceries out was like, all right, I'll help you with some groceries. One thing, you know, leads to another. I end up sleeping with my neighbor's wife.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And I don't know, then it just, like we would, you know, we would hear from it from time to time. It was, like, fun and playful and DUIs and neighbors. And then it was me in the ass.

[Christina P]

You.

[Tony John]

Come on me in the ass.

[Tom Segura]

It got kind of different, you know?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then, you know, I don't know, it's just.

[Tony John]

And it's super crazy, you know, I've been going through a lot lately. You know, I've been going through a lot of, you know, no friends, the government's trying to me over, and I'm pissed off.

[Tom Segura]

And then it kind of got to that place, and we were like, ah. And then we just kind of didn't hear from him for a long time.

[Christina P]

Years.

[Tom Segura]

And then we saw posts where it was like, oh. He was like, I'm in a much better place now. Right. He posted that, like, he had reconnected with some family and he was working a job. We're like, oh, that's great. And then we come in and the staff tells us that we're actually going to get to chat with him.

[Christina P]

I cannot hold on before we even get into it. Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Christina P]

This might be, like, one of the greatest moments in YMH history.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty great.

[Christina P]

I would say this could be as monumental as the time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

We called Robert Paul Champagne.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty cool. It is pretty cool.

[Christina P]

I mean, I've Loved Tony John's for years. Admired him, laughed with him, enjoyed his work. And now we're gonna speak with him.

[Tom Segura]

We're gonna chat with him. Yeah, I'm. I'm super curious.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh. Okay. Can I pee first? Because I'm, like, so excited.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And we are back.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

You went peachy.

[Christina P]

I did. I'm just so nervous.

[Tom Segura]

And now we're gonna call Tony. John.

[Christina P]

How come cool guys can't just answer their phones?

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Christina P]

It's so funny. Cool guys don't know how phones work.

[Tony John]

Well, what's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Yo, Tony. What's up, man?

[Tony John]

What's going on, partner?

[Tom Segura]

What's going on, dude? How are you?

[Tony John]

Good, man. How you been?

[Tom Segura]

We're doing well, man. We were just, you know, reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now. So. I'm Tom, of course. This is Christina.

[Christina P]

Hi, Tony.

[Tom Segura]

Hey.

[Tony John]

What's going on, you guys?

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited to speak with you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is a real treat, man. So let's. If you don't mind, like, where are you now? Like, where. Where are you. Where are you living now?

[Tony John]

Upstate New York, man.

[Tom Segura]

Upstate New York. And how are you liking it?

[Tony John]

To be honest, it's. I like it, man. I. You know, I've met a lot of really, you know, a lot of very, you know, nice people out here, so I. I like it, man.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Tony John]

Miss, you know. You know, Tom, to be honest, man, like, I do miss out west, too. Yeah, I really do. But. But New York's my home now, so.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I mean, you were the sexiest Italian guy in Utah, so you have to take. You have to take that. Leave that. But now you're the guy in upstate New York.

[Tony John]

Yeah, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony John]

I'm, you know, I'm trying to. Trying to, you know, I don't know, try my best just to, you know, stay focused and working and.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Tony John]

Yeah, man. I. I've been a Lowe's now for, like, three years, so I don't know, man. I like it, you know?

[Tom Segura]

So that's great. So you've met some good people. Looks. It sounds like you have some stability, right, with the. With life and with the job. Job.

[Tony John]

Yeah, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony John]

I got. Got my own place now and.

[Tom Segura]

Great.

[Tony John]

Just kind of taking it day by day, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I. I have a question for you, Tony. In a video, you said that you reunited with your. You said you. You found your maternal. Your. Your mother.

[Tony John]

What video was that?

[Christina P]

Oh, okay, I thought. I thought there was a video where you said you, like, reunited with your family or with your mother.

[Tony John]

Oh, yeah, so I. Yeah, so I. I'm adopted. I. I moved out. Out here in New York to. To be closer with my. With my. With my biological family.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Tony John]

So, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you did get to reconnect.

[Tony John]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, man, that's great.

[Christina P]

Wow. Yeah.

[Tony John]

So I. But, yeah, no, it's. I love it out here, you know, I really do. I. By all my family's out here now, and. Yeah, I mean, things are going real good, Tom. I haven't had a drink and. Geez, man, ever since I was 23.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tony John]

My parents that adopted me out west, they ended up passing away, so I. I just packed up a couple suitcases and moved out west or out. Out east. So, yeah, the whole. The whole story is kind of wild, but I'm. I'm doing a lot better now, you guys.

[Tom Segura]

That's great. That's great.

[Christina P]

Can I ask, Tony, what prompted this complete change in your life?

[Tony John]

It's kind of. Kind of sad story, but it's also a good story. My. My mom that adopted me out west was very, very sick. And she. She wanted.

[Tom Segura]

She.

[Tony John]

She always wanted the best for me. She wanted me to change. She wanted me to, you know, stop partying, stop drinking, just because she knew I was. To be honest, you guys, she knew I was a very, very nice man, a very genuine person. I just, you know, I like to party. I like to, you know, have a good time. But that's, you know, that was one of the wishes that she. That she wanted me to, you know, to pursue. To stop drinking, stop partying, you know, party sober. You know, you don't. You don't need a drink, you know, to have a good time, which I totally agree.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P]

You know, that's awesome, Tony.

[Tony John]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Been. Yeah. You know, like, I'll go out and stuff, but, like, I won't. I won't drink, if that makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

No, that does. I mean, people can go out and have a good time without having a drink for sure. Back in the day, like, when we were first finding, you know, you were telling people to take your Ubers and all that shit, you were. You were really tying one on. Right? Like, what was a Tony John's party day? Like, in the drinking time, I. I just.

[Tony John]

To be honest, man, I. I partied by myself a lot of the times. I. You know, like, I Don't know, man. It was. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, so. But you were, you were like a, Were you a beer guy or were you like a cocktail guy?

[Tony John]

You're a beer bud lights and a whiskey man. I'm big. Big bud light and whiskey guy.

[Tom Segura]

Got you. Okay.

[Christina P]

And that, and that's. That's when you got a dui, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You got it. Yep. Yep.

[Tony John]

So I. But, you know, I mean, and, you know, I. To be honest, Tom, like, I was, I was young man. You know, I was 21, 22 back then. I was, I was young and dumb, you know. You know.

[Tom Segura]

No, we were all there. I know. Yeah.

[Tony John]

No, I totally. You know what? I totally agree, Tom. Like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life, and it's just moving on from those mistakes.

[Tom Segura]

Well. Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

I have a question, Tony. We know that you've been a ladies man your whole life. Is there a potential future Mrs. John's?

[Tony John]

To be honest, yes, I am.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Tony John]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Tell us about her.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Tony John]

She probably doesn't want me to say this, but I, you know, I have been, you know, talking. I, I've been on a few dates, you know, and, you know, I, I, I like this girl. I'm not gonna say her name. Sure, she is. She's a local girl out here in Auburn.

[Tom Segura]

I.

[Tony John]

And she's the only girl that, that I've been talking to. She's really beautiful, you know, blonde hair. She's got, you know, tattoos. Very, very nice girl. Yeah, she's my age. She's 27. I'm 28, so. But she's, you know, she's around my age, but she's a very, very genuine, very kind, loving. She's, she's amazing. Like, I really, really probably see a future down the road with this girl.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. So ladies man is just going to become a one lady man.

[Tony John]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right, well, these, these are all great updates. You sound much more grounded and much more, you know, like, happy and together with everything that you've found in your life with the job and the family and this girl. This is all great news, man.

[Tony John]

Thanks, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony John]

I appreciate you, man.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I hope you continue to, you know, pursue and embrace your sobriety and just, you know, surround yourself with good people.

[Tony John]

Thanks, man. And, yeah, this girl, man, I mean, I've been on, you know, a couple dates now, and, you know, things are going really well, and it's kind of, I don't know. I don't know, you guys. It's kind of love at first sight, you know, so it's kind of nice.

[Christina P]

Well, let me tell you something, Tony.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you. We are thrilled that you have your life in such great place and we're all rooting for you. And will you please let us know if you do get married?

[Tony John]

Yes, ma'am, I will.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Tony John]

You got to keep up with us.

[Tom Segura]

You got to keep us updated. Can you give us a Tony John Woo on your way out of here?

[Tony John]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

Woo. Woo.

[Tom Segura]

We are out of here.

[Tony John]

You guys have a good night.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, you too, bro.

[Christina P]

Love you, Tony Jo.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, buddy. Bye bye. Hey.

[Christina P]

What? Dude, that is. Look, in the history of YMH cool guys, we have yet to have one completely turn his life around.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that is a really. A remarkable call. You normally don't ever leave the club once you're in, you never.

[Christina P]

You don't make it out alive, that's for sure.

[Tom Segura]

And I. It's also remarkable how young this guy is. I had no idea. There's no way to really, you know.

[Christina P]

No, you can't tell.

[Tom Segura]

I think we should really salute this guy. I mean, I mean, seriously.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he's turned his life around.

[Christina P]

I'm. I am deeply, actually moved by Tony's story. I mean, he really turned his shit around. We didn't think.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, it also shows you a cool guy has to leave his physical location. He moved thousands of miles from, like, where cool shit was happening.

[Christina P]

Yes. Far away.

[Tom Segura]

Embraced sobriety, which was very necessary for him, and surrounded himself with family, people who love you and care about you. Got a job that is stable, and he's going to that. So it's all the things that you think that somebody could, in this situation would be incapable of doing. And he did it.

[Christina P]

So it's very impressive now. But however, in true cool guy fashion.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Crummy audio.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The audio will never change. The camera angles and the audio, it's like your DNA, you just can't. You can't shake it.

[Christina P]

You can take the cool guy out of the club, but you can't.

[Tom Segura]

No. You can't take the coolness out of the recording quality.

[Christina P]

No, never. But I am. I'm genuinely thrilled for him.

[Tom Segura]

I am too.

[Christina P]

I never, I never thought we would see a cool guy.

[Tom Segura]

This really is a holiday season episode. Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's a Christmas vibe.

[Tom Segura]

It's Christmas vibes all the way.

[Christina P]

God bless.

[Tom Segura]

Very cool, bro.

[Christina P]

God bless every one of us. Even Tony John. Yeah, especially Tony John.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of a different cool guy, we Were on a family trip.

[Christina P]

I know what you're gonna bring up. I've been thinking about it every day.

[Tom Segura]

And this guy. We were at the pool at a nice hotel. We're at a nice hotel.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we see this old piece of. Walk in with his lady. They're both.

[Christina P]

Why is he a piece of.

[Tom Segura]

He's just about to go.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you something? Can I say something? I felt that he wasn't a good person and Nora was his wife.

[Tom Segura]

They were.

[Christina P]

Came in. I could tell they weren't like nice.

[Tom Segura]

He hobbles over, right? Hobbles over and he sit. Lays on a. Like a pool chair or whatever you want to call it, right. And. And he's just laying there. And then at one point, I'm sitting next to you and I go, hey, look over here.

[Christina P]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

This guy decided to throw. Just. He lay down, put a towel over himself, kind of half put over, take off his shorts and his underwear and put on his bathing suit right there at the pool. And lean. So you get like ass shots and ball shots as he pulls up. And then when he. When you finally are ready to pull up, he just dropped the towel full ass, mooned everybody and puts on his bathing suit. It's like, hey, buddy, there's bathrooms here.

[Christina P]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

There's also rooms in your. Your hotel room is here.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. Do you know that our children are so modest? They won't do that. Like I. I've offered like, hey, put a towel around you and no.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This man. The audacity of somebody to show their balls and their. Their old ass to everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Lazy and inc. Considerate. And just for that, we don't know who you are. We don't know your name. We don't think about you. But you, the cool guy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are the newest member of the cool guy club.

[Christina P]

But what's interesting about. So Tom and I. I would. I mean, I. I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching. I think you and I are in addition to our new love of murder together. That's a new thing we're going to get into together. I'm on the JonBenet case face.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm completely. Whatever. I'm so deep into this, solving this crime. I'm almost there. But we love observing people in the wild, crazy people. Remember, it is at the same resort we saw a guy scrub his foot skin off of his feet with the.

[Tom Segura]

Cheese grater that you use with the actual instrument. At the pool.

[Christina P]

At the pool.

[Tom Segura]

He just was Like, I'll just. Shade is here.

[Christina P]

I mean, are you out now? Do you think it has to do with just being old?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And not caring anymore about anybody? Yeah. Just like, I'm doing this. I need to do this. I don't care. Is there. Is there a sign that says I can't scrape my feet here? Yeah. It's just totally. Just totally inconsiderate.

[Christina P]

I know. I feel like they have to put signs.

[Tom Segura]

Just another old piece of.

[Christina P]

God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Ridiculous.

[Christina P]

And that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool. Now is the guy shaving his. His feet off? And I know.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen people clip their toenails at the gate of an airport.

[Christina P]

I've seen that too.

[Tom Segura]

You're also, like. You out of your mind.

[Christina P]

Unforgivable. I've seen somebody eat a bag of hardboiled eggs at the. At the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Terminal. That is so disgusting and smelly. Guys, come on.

[Tom Segura]

So crazy.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I know. You're not a sports fan.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You have to see this. This is one of the. This is like a generational baseball prospect.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Look how this guy pitches here. Look at this. This is insane.

[Christina P]

Looks like Rob Isler. Whoa. I hate you. Like, he's so great. Like, you know you're gonna vomit. Just for people listening. It's a guy that pitched and he's puking at the same.

[Tom Segura]

During the pitch. And so he. This clip went viral and this guy was like. Yeah, yeah. Just to clarify. Yes, I was sick. But he stayed in the game and he still pitched sick. Puking during his pitches. Isn't that crazy? Unbelievable.

[Christina P]

I hate you so much. You just wait for this next drawing. I'm not looking at it again. You bag. You think I'm stupid? Fool me once, dummy. I'm not looking. You dumb piece of.

[Tom Segura]

You almost.

[Christina P]

I hope you choke on your rougie. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Christina P]

You just wait for this picture.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm. You think I'm expecting something nice from you?

[Christina P]

No. You're a terrible person.

[Tom Segura]

I know. Okay.

[Christina P]

I hate you so much. Why are you showing me that?

[Tom Segura]

I thought it was cool.

[Christina P]

It's not cool.

[Tom Segura]

I thought it was cool.

[Christina P]

Why did you ruin my day? I was so happy to talk to.

[Tom Segura]

I was, too. I just thought it was fun.

[Christina P]

You're such a.

[Tom Segura]

All right, here's your tick tocks.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's nice. Makes me happy. Her again.

[Tom Segura]

A big black dick, but only in my mouth. I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems. I Don't need that stretched out any more than it is.

[Christina P]

He's Canadian.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen this guy's clips before. It's pretty cool.

[Christina P]

Make stretch, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yep. He wants a big black one, but only in his mouth.

[Christina P]

Well, yeah, you don't want your stretched out.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want your mouth stretched out?

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

Talk to Will. He's the expert on this kind of stuff. Actually, we should ask him.

[Tom Segura]

He might. Yeah, he might have an opinion on that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's different, though. There's people right now who are going like this. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Which team are you on? Getting your mouth stretched like.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't want that.

[Christina P]

Do you think people are really discussing this topic right now?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, there's. Internally. Somebody right now is like, I love having my mouth stretched out. And then somebody's like, I don't know.

[Christina P]

I mean it. If I had to choose between my anus or my mouth, I'd do my mouth.

[Tom Segura]

But you don't have to choose. That's the thing. He's like, you don't have to choose.

[Christina P]

You can say, just blew my mind up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You can just be like, I don't want anything stretched out.

[Christina P]

Or both. I don't have to make the choice. You choose for me. You do both.

[Tom Segura]

Or you can go. Yeah, you can go. Stretch everything out. Stretch nothing out. Stretch one of these out. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. I had a effect this morning. Hold on. Never mind. Please read what Leanna or Tanner just put up.

[Tom Segura]

The human anus can stretch up to seven inches before taking damage. A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as 4 inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass. Really? That's really important. That is really good information.

[Christina P]

Two raccoons?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's fucking amazing.

[Tom Segura]

So if you had to choose, you'd choose your mouth?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Wouldn't you?

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. Between the two, yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But like I said, you don't have to sign up for having your mouth stretched either.

[Christina P]

No, you don't.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. It sounds like you just did.

[Christina P]

Hey, can I tell you my Pajitsky effect? Can I tell you my Pajitsky effect that I had this morning?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P]

So for those who don't know, that's when, like, you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole life, and then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded.

[Tom Segura]

Do something.

[Christina P]

Do something different.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay. The way our bathroom is set up, the towels are on the other end of the. The Bathroom. And the shower is here.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing. Every day I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower. Yeah, I forget. So now I'm getting out of the shower and I'm cold and wet. And then I got a tiptoe on the slippery ass tile to get a towel. To get a towel. And you know what I realized today? Tom Saguera.

[Tom Segura]

Tell me.

[Christina P]

I can put a towel rack directly outside of the shower so that I just reach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but there also is a rack. There's that hanging rack.

[Christina P]

Where?

[Tom Segura]

That's right outside the shower.

[Christina P]

Oh, but I put my shower caps on there.

[Tom Segura]

I put a towel on there.

[Christina P]

I agree, I agree. That's if you remember to put a towel on the rack. I'm saying if I get a shelf. Sorry, that's a word I should have.

[Tom Segura]

Used a shelf near.

[Christina P]

And you stack like five towels on the shelf right there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wow, you're really firing on all sides, buddy.

[Christina P]

Buddy. I mean, now I'm living in luxury. Who am I fucking?

[Tom Segura]

Good one.

[Christina P]

You're hunting Somali pirates. I'm toweling off.

[Tom Segura]

What does it mean when you dream.

[Tony John]

You'Re naked and tied to a cross and Bohemian Rhapsody is being played very loudly on the stereo while a nun tortures your nuts?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, I don't even want to listen.

[Christina P]

I know. I hate him. That's. That's Gregory. Hi, Greg.

[Tom Segura]

However. Hi, Greg. Oh, what a good tiger.

[Christina P]

Hi, sweetheart.

[Tom Segura]

Hi, Greg.

[Christina P]

Thanks very much.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible. Glad my coffee.

[Christina P]

Gracious.

[Tom Segura]

Where is Gregory?

[Christina P]

What are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

Peckish.

[Christina P]

Do you think we ought to feed him?

[Tony John]

Ah, I think you take his own food.

[Christina P]

He's amazingly agile. I mean, you got it up there like one of your little pet cat.

[Tony John]

One of the house cuts.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think he cares at that time. Dinner.

[Tony John]

I don't believe what I'm saying. Sit here and relax, would you?

[Tom Segura]

Gregory.

[Christina P]

That's easier said than done. Gregory, where are you?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, where are you?

[Christina P]

So Tippy Hedren, the famous actress that he was in like, Hitchcock movies, had a pet tiger.

[Tom Segura]

Gregory.

[Christina P]

Gregory.

[Tom Segura]

And then he still has his nuts that are just hanging, full of rage. That means that he wants to mate and dominate. Spread his seed. It's cool.

[Christina P]

And just bite her head off.

[Tom Segura]

Huge.

[Christina P]

Enormous.

[Tom Segura]

She's like, he is the sweetest little guy. He would never.

[Christina P]

And that's the thing is these dummies never think that their beloved pet tiger is going to attack them.

[Tom Segura]

Did she die by her tiger.

[Christina P]

I hope so. Let's look it up.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

I really hope so. Right. At the very least, I hope that the tiger ate her dead.

[Tom Segura]

Your face with your period blood.

[Christina P]

Yeah. This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles. Some of them are free, bleeding into lakes and rivers. Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces for.

[Tom Segura]

I just thought this was some American Indian, you know? Like, this is like a Cherokee rite of passage. Is that not what's happening? Wow.

[Christina P]

Read it.

[Tom Segura]

Tippy Hedrens is still alive. Lives with lions and tigers at her California.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Animal sanctuary. Jesus. How old is she? She looked old in that thing.

[Christina P]

No. Maybe she's. I don't know. I don't know how she's doing it. I don't know how she's doing it. How is she?

[Tom Segura]

94.

[Christina P]

Good. Wow. And she's.

[Tom Segura]

And that is the age to get eaten too. Like when you are like that and your. Your skin is like paper and that thing just. But so it does. It goes to give her a hug and she tears open. And then it's like, I'll just eat this. Yeah.

[Christina P]

So frail that Tippy's a snack for that.

[Tom Segura]

That's Melanie Griffith's mom. I had no idea.

[Christina P]

I didn't know that. I guess she's a legacy. Family. Is it? Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Excuse me.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

God.

[Christina P]

Look, Can I. Can I tell you something? There. There is a point where you do too much to your face that you can't take it back.

[Tom Segura]

That's happening left and right now. This is the era of too much to your face. We're living in it.

[Christina P]

Doing too much to your face.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm obviously going to get my nose fixed.

[Christina P]

And you gotta do that. You gotta do that. I mean, stop doing that. You did this. You gotta look old, dude. It's okay.

[Tom Segura]

Just be old.

[Christina P]

I'd rather look old than weird eating ground beef.

[Tony John]

What the.

[Christina P]

So this woman is just sitting on some steps out in the public, eating out of ground. Just eating a ground beef.

[Tom Segura]

From the. From the package? Yeah, from the packaging. Like from the grocery store. She's enjoying it. To be fair, you know, she looks like.

[Christina P]

What? Tom?

[Tom Segura]

You know what? She's making a whole bunch of different decisions.

[Christina P]

At first I forgot I had curated this. I thought it was sour belts. And I was like, I love sour belts.

[Tom Segura]

Those aren't sour belts.

[Christina P]

Those are meaty belts.

[Tony John]

Holly, I'm begging you with all my heart and soul. Hugs, please respond to me.

[Christina P]

Please.

[Tony John]

How I can prove to you Everything I'm saying. Give me a chance to talk to me. I was. Please. I've been fair one over two years looking for you. Please don't do this for me.

[Tom Segura]

2 years. Respond to me.

[Tony John]

Please, I'm begging you. I'll do anything. I was.

[Tom Segura]

It just ends there. Ends like that. Does anybody know? Holly.

[Christina P]

Can somebody help this make.

[Tom Segura]

Can somebody. It's two years he's been doing this.

[Christina P]

Please, somebody tell Holly he still loves her. Jeff still loves you.

[Tom Segura]

It's Chuck. I think it's Chuck.

[Christina P]

Oh, Chuck loves you.

[Tom Segura]

Chuck is really out there.

[Christina P]

Tent out there.

[Tom Segura]

He's by the freeway wearing his tap out hoodie, and he's just looking for you.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. They still make. Make those?

[Tom Segura]

I think so.

[Christina P]

Is tap out still real?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

I haven't. It's been a while. It's like fubu.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

So this. Do you guys. Holy.

[Tom Segura]

How is this the craziest talk I've seen?

[Christina P]

So if you really love your dog, I mean, only if you really love your dog, when it dies, you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor in front of the fireplace. Just where. Just. This is where I used to lay. That's where. That's. That's where Chub. Chub used to lay right there in front of.

[Tom Segura]

What is that? And you're like, well, they took the bones and guts out of our dog and left his fur here, and we get to lay on it. Miss him. It's great. And here's crazy.

[Christina P]

But here's the deal, man.

[Tom Segura]

Five grand, real pet pelt.

[Christina P]

Here's the thing. You and I love pets. Obviously. Like, we're obsessed with our animals. I'm kind of torn because. Hold on. You know how much we loved Thief. Do you think you could see where his feet. Oh, wait, where's his six tits?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Oh, this is nice that this is here now. That's cool. I didn't know that that was there. And there's Tony John.

[Christina P]

That's cool.

[Tom Segura]

Right behind you. Yeah, that's awesome.

[Christina P]

But don't you love them? Like, don't. It's like, yeah, you get to see them, but you get to see them in kind of a up way.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of up.

[Christina P]

Not see them.

[Tom Segura]

It looks like a cement truck rolled over your dog. And that's what you see every day when you walk.

[Christina P]

FIFO is behind the portrait. Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay, okay.

[Christina P]

I mean, like, do you want to see a mushed, sad, virgin I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Like this at all.

[Christina P]

What about. I mean, what about taxidermy? You could just stuff your.

[Tom Segura]

I think you just say goodbye. I think you say goodbye. Photos are cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Videos and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Rock climbing. Tom loves this. This cave climbing. I should say so.

[Tony John]

Right now I'm.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man. Breathing out. It's crazy how I can feel the. I can literally feel the anxiety spike when we watch a clip like this.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It's so narrow.

[Tom Segura]

I don't like this.

[Christina P]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

I don't like it.

[Christina P]

Why? You're so. This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead, biting. Tanner. What's he saying? In Filipino? What is he saying? He's saying, ouch, this kind of hurts. Okay, okay.

[Tom Segura]

He's just chilling, though.

[Christina P]

Can somebody take it off of his forehead?

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you what's interesting, though? Because this guy obviously around a lot with animals. He knows that if you go like this to rip it off, he's probably gonna tear his forehead off.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he's just kind of, like, letting it deposit its venom, and then he's gonna pull it off. Isn't that nice? He knows. He knows it. If you go like that. It's like that lady that got bit by a gator that one time and she rolled on the death roll and preserved her arm.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because everybody else would just kind of go. And then your just arm goes flying off.

[Christina P]

But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to finish. You'd have to just skin graft my forehead. Just rip the skin off.

[Tom Segura]

He's. He's in a new location. That snake's not going anywhere.

[Christina P]

He's laughing now.

[Tom Segura]

All right. I think you're almost done with it.

[Christina P]

I think you can rip it off now.

[Tom Segura]

I think so, too. He's probably one of these who's like, I'm in his house. I don't want to upset him, you know?

[Christina P]

Oh, there you go.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you dummy. How do you get bitten in the face? That means you're face to face with a snake, stupid. What did he say? Don't you translate it?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know yet.

[Christina P]

I think he can I tell you what happened in my mind. He says, oh, the green snake. And then he. He leaned down with his friend, and he was like, I'm gonna put my face in.

[Tom Segura]

Put my face in the ticket. Yeah, that's what you think.

[Christina P]

And then it latched on. Well, how the Is a snake get to your Forehead.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

That doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle. He let. He leaned down.

[Tom Segura]

He's in the junk. Single, so I don't know. It could have been anything, man.

[Christina P]

Stupid.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Tony John]

I'm literally making a kill my bed right now, and I just need a cuddle buddy. That's all I'm asking for, a cuddle buddy.

[Tom Segura]

No, you're not. No, you're not.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

That's a lie.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

You say that you want a cuddle buddy, and oh, what? I go over there. I'm like, all right, I'll cuddle with you.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, I'm sorry. Look what happened downstairs.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Now you're trying to. Me. Yeah. So I'm not falling for this again.

[Christina P]

I agree, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

No, you're lying.

[Christina P]

He's not fooling me either.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Christina P]

Poor whoever speaks, I guess I think it's Tagalog speaking. Is like, they're very upset with us right now.

[Tom Segura]

Why would we do.

[Christina P]

Pronunciation is not very well.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm trying. I love languages. I do.

[Christina P]

Yeah. This guy is totally bluffing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He's not looking for a cuddleblade.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm nakey nakey right now, and I just want to cuddle. That's all I'm asking for. No, it's not.

[Christina P]

He's lying. He's a foolery fool in us.

[Tom Segura]

We've all fallen for this trick.

[Christina P]

I've fallen for it in college and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, oh, you want to cuddle? I love cuddles.

[Christina P]

I totally fell for this, like, freshman year.

[Tom Segura]

Somebody got you.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Know. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody falls for the cuddle. All I want to do is just have somebody hold me.

[Christina P]

I know I fell for it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

God.

[Tom Segura]

Just want to watch this movie with someone.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, the movie.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, just ignore my phone. And then you're like, wait a minute. Why is your finger in my ass?

[Christina P]

Bye. Bye now.

[Tom Segura]

My, my. Okay. Well, this was a great episode. I had so much fun.

[Christina P]

So did I. So much fun with Eugene.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Make sure you visit the shops and the stores. Get some lipstick from Christina P. Get some merch from the YMH store. Get some tickets. I'm going on. I'm on tour. I have a whole bunch of cities that we have announced, and that's going to be it for us. But we're going to leave you. We started on the Greasy E by Max Newman. We'll leave you on another Chuck woolry classic. This is greasy by ghost crew. Oh, ghost crew. So, yeah, we're saying goodbye. Bye, jeans.

[Christina P]

Bye, jeans. Oh, yeah.

[Chuck Woolery]

I'm Chuck Fullery.

[Tom Segura]

I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works. Australian dreams. Australian.

[Chuck Woolery]

I'm Chuck Woolery.

[Tom Segura]

I don't like taking pills, but I have found something that works.

[Chuck Woolery]

Works.

[Tom Segura]

Australian dream.