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Hey everyone. I have some exciting shows coming up. On Saturday, November 29, I will be in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen Casino. After that, I'll be in Oakland, California at the paramount theater on November 30th. Tickets and all info is@tomsegura.com tour. Well, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Give it up for Chicago. Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand up special, It.
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Ain't Right is coming to Hulu on November 21st. Thirty years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.
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Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht. And the boxes keep coming. Sebastian Maniscalco, it ain't right premieres November 21st. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply. Ciao. Welcome to another mama sode of your mama's place.
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Bienvenido. I love your shirt.
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Thanks. I am very excited. Some of you know that I've been a long time super fan of croissants.
B
Well, you said that so nicely.
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And I try them in any city where people go, you got to try them. But my all time favorites were at a place called Cinque Terre west in Los Angeles. I used to go there and I would buy a pizza box worth of croissants.
B
You did.
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And then I would walk around and I would give people free ones on my walk.
B
Yes.
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I'm like, you want one? You want one?
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True story.
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And I would only bring home the remaining 42. Anyway, I was such a big fan of that place. I still am. And I befriended the owners. And then about a year and a half ago, we started talking about opening a place here in Austin. And so we broke ground and that place is under construction. It should be open sometime after the new year. But in the meantime we have a pop up location and it's at the fairgrounds downtown underneath the Wells Fargo building. That's on the corner, I think second and Brazos on this side and then Congress is on the other side. Yeah. So anyway, I stopped by today. I picked up some pastries and brought them in. But if you're listening to this show the day that it comes out or anytime after that popup is open, oh, we're open for business. So if you want to make your way to downtown ATX and go to the fairgrounds, like I said, the Wells Fargo building, you can hit up our popup location and it's really, really good.
B
Your croissants, all the pastries that I've tried are outrageous. I can't believe that you, your love of the Croissant was such that you brought this guy here from la.
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Yes, he's from, like, he's from Italy.
B
Yes.
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And then he's lived in LA for many years, and he had a place there. But this place that we're opening here, I'm telling you, like, I just. I was just there and they had just baked plain chocolate. And then they had the pastries with blueberries.
B
Oh, my pears.
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They had a raisin one. They had a baka. Then they had a homemade focaccia with onions, unreal tomato. And then he did pizza with prosciutto and another one with burrata.
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You're gonna like the way you look. And it's. It's real Italians from Italy.
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They're from Italy.
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So if you guys have never been to Italy, this is a taste.
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Dante, Luciano, they're. They're off the boat, man. They're sitting there spitting their Italian to each other.
B
Well, what's the place called? I don't know if you said the name. Did you say Chicho Bomba? But how do you spell that for.
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The C, I, C, C, I, O, Bomba, B, O, M, B, A. And it means little fat ass. Little. That's what you call a little fat ass kid in Italy?
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A gordito.
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A little gordito. You come to Chibamba. Yeah, he's about to explode. You're about to explode, you little thing.
B
That's really badass. That's such a sweet little thing.
A
Yeah, it's really cool.
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It's so authentic, too, which is what's so special, because the pastries you eat here in the US Sometimes are just dog. They are compared to European.
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And here's the thing. I do really watch what I eat these days, but if I'm going to indulge, I want it to be worth it.
B
Yeah, dog.
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Sometimes you go, oh, I'm just going to eat this dog shit pastry. And. And then you have the calories without the taste. You're like, I just wasted this.
B
That's so angry.
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So what I'm gonna say to you guys is, if you wanna get fat.
B
Yep.
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Get fat with me.
B
That's right.
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Come to my fat place.
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Get fat with Tom Segura.
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Yeah.
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Chicho Bomba.
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We're gonna show this footage in about six months and be like, wow, Tom, you put on 45 pounds.
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Of course.
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Well, I opened a bakery and now it can't fit into my shirts no more. Yeah.
B
You don't see the danger?
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Oh, it's like I even there they were like, you look you look skinny today. Maybe not in a few months.
B
No way.
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Yeah, yeah, I know.
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Oh, that's so exciting, Jean. I cannot wait.
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And we have a coffee? Of course. Espresso. You have what you want. You have. It's your life. You live your life. You eat what you want, live your life.
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Speaking of capucino, I'm drinking this coffee here. And watch this. This is my new lipstick. I'm wearing this, the liquid lipstick Evermore and Nocturn. Watch it. Oh, look at that. Not a goddamn bit of lipstick on this cup. That's how strong this liquid lipstick is. It will stay the f. There you go. Own. So this is the first shade. Nocturn. Oh, yeah. There's nothing on the cup. Christinap.com for all my lipsticks are available. And my blush, which is to die for. You will. You're gonna like the way you look. Buy it now for the holidays so that you don't forget.
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Heard it. Here. Stroke that thing in four strokes. All right.
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Oh, my God. I forgot the four strokes.
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Oh, we can revisit it. At some point, he came.
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He came in four. His. His penis. His dick had become so sensitive. That's what he said, right? His dick had become so sensitive.
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Oh, my bad. I just fucked this up, man. I don't know how to stop it.
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Welcome chaos.
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There you go. My bad.
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It's fun. It's fun.
A
Welcome to your mom's house.
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Good water. Meow, meow, meow, meow. And your mom is a. She likes dicks. Dicks. Your mother.
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I realized I. I was looking for the. For this. For you.
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He jacked off in four strokes, and.
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I hit the wrong button.
B
And Dickhead becomes so sensitive. I forgotten all about him.
A
He was the man.
B
But can I tell you, with these cool guys, like, I go full circle. Like, I go through repulsion.
A
Yep.
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I go through anger. I go through depression, sadness.
A
It's called the stages of cool. Yeah. Those are the stages of being cool. Yeah.
B
But now I'm in full acceptance of him. And I'm ready to revisit if you are, anytime soon. What's going on? You getting a text from him or something?
A
Yeah, he's got an important text. Don't worry about it.
B
Who's it from?
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It's.
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I couldn't believe how big his dick was.
A
It's from him.
B
That was his brother.
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His brother? Yeah. Yeah.
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He was jacking off with his brother.
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Well, yeah, because they smoked meth. And then.
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Yeah.
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And then he's like, I can come so fast, and you don't need Viagra, you don't need Cialis.
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You don't need lube. You don't need spit.
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No, I'll let anybody blow me. That was another fun detail that he gave. Like, I like blow jobs, but I don't even care who it is. I'll come fast. I'm a meth.
B
Yeah, but see, that's cool. Like, I. Now I see the coolness in that.
A
Yeah.
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Before, I was repulsed, and now I'm accepted.
A
That's wild from you because you really never liked it before.
B
No. As I'm changed forever changed.
A
That's so cool.
B
Yeah.
A
Yeah. Let me see if I can find my guy here. Where is he? Oh, here he is. Yeah. Yep, there he is.
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If you have any kind of erectile disorder problems, I'm here to tell you forget about Viagra, forget about saddles, forget about dick and plants and all that stuff.
A
Yeah.
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So I don't know if you believe me or not.
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I don't.
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But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small, limp dick, get hard any other way, and watch it harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. Unbelievable.
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It's unbelievable.
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Hold on. Pause for one second. Did he say it doesn't get harder any other way?
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Yeah, it doesn't get hard any other way?
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Well, this completely. This is like when you see something and then you see a new layer to the painting.
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Like a Kubrick film.
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Yeah.
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You go back and you're like, oh, wow. I didn't.
B
I didn't realize he had erectile problems.
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He does. Yeah. He found the solution, but he has no neuropathy issues. Yeah, that's. Well, that's. You're, you know, you're kind of giving away one of the big points coming up. Yeah.
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Become so sensitive that you don't need lube, you don't need spit. Okay. You just stroke that. Just up and down.
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Just the head.
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This. Barely do it.
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Just stroke the head and.
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Enormous amount of very thick. It's thick. Thick, hot white. Yeah, I like it thick.
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White.
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Yeah.
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We didn't think it would be green, but.
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Yeah, but it's thick. And I think that's the crucial point with meth because you're very dehydrated when you smoke a lot of meth. Are you amphetamine? Yeah. It makes you thirsty as.
A
How do you know that?
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Because I have family members that have done a lot of meth. Sort of. God. Yeah. He had. Pretty parched, believe me. Yeah. But when he smoked with me, he put out his Dick. I couldn't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off and four strokes he shot. The most come he'd ever shot in his life.
A
Did he say that?
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And he's fine. He has no neuropathy. Probably he's fine, but his dick gets even harder and thicker and even more cum. He believes me now.
A
Yeah. So I think one of the things you're getting from there is that he has neuropathy issues.
B
Correct.
A
That's why he's making the qualification. He doesn't have any. You know, my brother doesn't have neuropathy.
B
Issues, therefore I do. You know what? That is deductive reasoning.
A
Yeah.
B
And. And you said therefore I have it. And that's why. Why he chose meth to help him get hard ons.
A
Yeah. It's amazing that this show has been out this long in this clip and no one has been like, oh, Ted, you know, like no one's ever hit us up about him because I do not believe that he is still with us on this earth. That's my guess. But yeah.
B
Does anybody know who this man is?
A
I mean, we've asked for years. I'd be very surprised if somebody.
B
Oh, this. And the Benadryl guy, he's dead. That's confirmed.
A
Yeah, he's dead. He died a few years ago. Benadryl. Yeah, yeah, he's dead. Very dead.
B
I feel like I didn't even get a chance to mourn. Where is he?
A
Used to have a thing, I thought, oh, there.
B
Yeah, he used to.
A
Oh, there's four strokes. Yeah.
B
Yeah.
A
Well, kind of looks like any. And where's any today?
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Sick.
A
Oh, he's sick. Well, here's the clip I was going to play for you. Would you like to see it? Here you go.
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Can you tell me what category of fat I fit in? So it's based on your shirt size. If you are a 1 or 2x you are small fat 3 to 4x you are mid fat, 5 to 6x you are super fat is based on what level of privilege you have in the world. Well, that's based on privilege.
A
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she further explains, sure, someone.
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In a small fat category may not struggle getting on an airplane, but someone in a mid fat or super fat fat may not be able to use even the airplane extender. So that's where that comes in. And like the privilege levels of like what fat means to different people.
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That's pretty cool. I didn't know that. I've definitely been small fat. I think I've been mid fat too. So I've had different levels of privilege.
B
You've had to use the. You couldn't use.
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I've never had a seat. I've never had a seat belt extender. But I'm saying she said, based on her shirt size thing, because I was definitely XL double X. I think I was a 3x a couple times too. But yeah, now I'm, now I'm fully privileged.
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Yeah, I think I'm just l privilege. I don't know if the I think what she's trying to say is like, levels of living you can do because privilege to me sounds like it's unwarranted. Like, doesn't that connotate, like, just because of your birth, you're born a white blonde lady.
A
Can I tell you something?
B
Yeah.
A
You sound like a real bitch right now.
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I sound like I'm full of privilege.
A
Yeah.
B
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That like if you're a 4, 5, 6x, you don't have the privilege that people who are not that size have. Right?
B
The opposite is true. Then like there is privilege to being.
A
No, there's privilege to not being 5 and 6x.
B
Oh, I know and I know you're.
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A fucking asshole who has privilege. You're not a 6x.
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My invisible knapsack of privilege that I carry around with me. Yeah, that's one of them.
A
Oh yeah, you can fucking walk up these stairs and that must be nice. You can fit in a booth. Real, real cool.
B
But I do think if you're heavy, there's a certain way you should dress.
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That's not it.
B
That's not it. And the hair is not it. Like if you're gonna be, if you're going to be noticeable because of your size, I would try to like make my style less volume, by the way. Volume.
A
You know, she's close to not being fat. She's not that big.
B
Yeah, I don't think she's big.
A
No, I wouldn't say she's by her own, you know, privilege. Yes. Well, by her own list. I think she's small fat.
B
She's small fat.
A
Yeah.
B
Yeah. So she's got all the privileges.
A
You better hand over the reins to some super fat because you're not going to be there much longer.
B
Is anybody there super fat?
A
I don't think they had a super fat. I mean I was just looking at the room.
B
Let's see.
A
Well, in the previous one we saw, well, the one who was asking me.
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What category of fat I fit in. So she's small fat.
A
I mean, yeah, probably 2x. So something like that. I think.
B
Yeah, that's not that big. I mean, look, it's so easy to be fat. It's like it's. God, it happens so fast.
A
Well, that guy on the left isn't fat at all. He's probably like, haha, you guys are fat. I'm not.
B
He's like, I'm checking my privilege.
A
And that guy there, he's probably an XL or maybe.
B
I definitely think that Crocs are a bad shoe. When you're fat, those types of items accentuate your heaviness.
A
Yeah. But I think they're comfortable.
B
Exactly.
A
Yeah.
B
So when you're fat, you shouldn't dress comfortably. You should be less comfortably dressed because you'll look shittier. Here's. Let me say this interesting. I was at the track meet with the kid the other day.
A
Yeah.
B
And there were people wearing sweatshirts. Universally, sweatshirts look like.
A
Yeah.
B
No matter if you're thin, young, old, you look like a garbage bag in sweats.
A
As Karl Lagerfeld would say, somebody who has given up on it.
B
You've given up on life.
A
So.
B
So you've already look like you've given up. Don't. I'm sorry. You've already given up. Don't look like you've given up.
A
Oh, right.
B
Try to reverse the trend.
A
That's interesting.
B
It's so easy to get fat. It's so easy. And the whole. God damn it. It's.
A
Every day is a battle to not be fatter. Every day. Every day.
B
It's so hard.
A
I woke up today and just was like, yogurt, protein, fruit. It sucks white like oatmeal. And then honey. And then I worked out, and then I came home and I ate eggs and berries. Yeah. It's all just like, don't be fat, don't be fat. Eat this food and don't be.
B
Live longer.
A
And then I open a bakery to.
B
Get fat as.
A
I'm gonna be so fat.
B
So fat. We just can't go there, Gene. I know, Mommy. We cannot go. And I'm plus size fat.
A
I used to be regular size, and now I'm a 6x. I'm super fat. You want to have a cornetti with me? They're so good, too. I did sample bites, and I was like, I gotta get out of here.
B
Of course. It's disgusting. Can I tell you, do these French. Where they say, oh, the French women, they have croissant every morning with their coffee, cappuccino. These have two little. Two little bites. The morsel. And I'm so full.
A
That's kind of the key.
B
That's how you do it.
A
That's what you. That's what you discover. Guess what? You're not gonna get fat if you have a couple bites.
B
Two bites.
A
You're gonna get fat if you have four whole things.
B
Yeah. Dog and if you're middle aged, just smelling it, you're destroyed.
A
I know.
B
You can't even. You just can't.
A
I could see my future when I was there today.
B
Oh, yeah.
A
They're like, this is yours. You're the owner. Eat what you want. I was like, I should go.
B
That's how I feel. If I owned a bar. Yeah, that's lights out. Like a wine bar. Like a dark, moody wine bar that I. I owned.
A
Oh, alcoholic drink. The place out of business every day.
B
And then I got to order some hummus with that or whatever.
A
Yeah, and you have diarrhea.
B
Yeah, it's tapas. Yeah. I would just order pizzas and. And God damn it. It just. You just can't have fun anymore. The fun is over when you're 50. The fun ends.
A
The fun in when you get older is telling people how it is. That's what's. That's the new fun is that you get to tell people how it is. Like this guy. Kids with autism are not my problem. You take care of your problem, I gotta manage mine. There's your autism. Help take care of your own losers.
B
Okay, Okay.
A
I already have a tough enough time handling my own. Yeah, take your little autistic kids. Go yourself. Figure out your own problems. You had that kid, not me. You raised that kid, not me. Nobody's responsible for raising that kid. But you take your autism, shove it up your ass. So it's just a cool kind of well balanced. No, he's a member of society.
B
He's in a limo. What is he in some kind of car? I don't know his break. He lit it. He backlit it.
A
How do you get that fired up about an autistic kid?
B
I mean, he's gonna be bummed when, like, it's the autistic doctor that's saving his life on an operating table. Because lo and behold, a lot of those autistics are pretty fucking smart.
A
You think the guy's about to save his life, and then he just takes his phone and he goes, do you remember this? I'm gonna let you die now.
B
You don't. I wouldn't put down autistics. They're highly intelligent. They're in so many society.
A
This is a. This is one of the wilder rants that I've seen.
B
Yeah.
A
Your kids. I don't know, man.
B
Man, this is a dark one, Tim.
A
I know. He's really, really angry. He must post like this all the time.
B
You know what? Okay, here's what it is. He's the kind of Guy that's like, oh, this new tax thing came out. Our tax money is going to help autistic kids and in Rochester county or whatever. And he's pissed because his tax money is going there. Some stupid like that. Proposition 5.
A
They go to the council meetings.
B
Yeah.
A
And they wait in line and they walk up, they go, your kids, they're like, thanks. Thank you for voicing your concern, sir.
B
That's him. He's mad about some shit that doesn't apply to him. Nothing to do with him.
A
Angry man.
B
Could you imagine, though, displacing your anger? That hot? Actually, I can. I mean, I'm pretty irrational.
A
And the thing is, when you post it on social media, you really are just like. You're just yell. He's just yelling at his phone.
B
Yeah.
A
And then, you know, you upload and you're like, oh, that feels better. But I mean, you're not. All you're doing is making sure everyone knows that you're an. Right. That's what he did.
B
But do you. Do you. Is he looking at the comments and then hoping to start a fight?
A
Maybe. I don't know. This guy seems like he's real like this. This probably what fuels him is. Is saying crazy like this.
B
The autistic kids.
A
You want to see someone who's also kind of off a little bit.
B
No lipstick on the cup. Still brew.
A
Pretty crazy. Check this out. This is insanity. What do you think you lost? Lifetime gambling. Including that. 30 million? 350. 300. He's drooling.
B
Yeah, no, I know. How does he have that much money?
A
I don't know, but look at. He also seems like he's, like.
B
Touched. Yeah.
A
Yeah, he's touched. If he were a kid. The other guy be yelling at him.
B
I was going to say that. But you did. So that I didn't have to.
A
150 million. The bulk of that probably to the Caesars Corporation. Yes, the Caesars Corporation. Wipe your mouth. In two and a half years.
B
I know.
A
Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.
B
He's just drooling, thinking about gambling.
A
You were living here at the time or you're still coming? Living in a suite. Living in a suite. 2000 on property. Matter of fact, in 2007, Caesars Corporation, 5.6 of its entire gambling revenue came from you alone. Yes. 5.6% of their entire money came from Terry Watanabe. Yeah.
B
So what is he just like a Japanese Terry Watanabe?
A
Yeah, he is an inheritance guy. Came between 2007 at Caesar's palace and the Rio in Vegas. He was the billionaire so lost in Vegas that casinos allegedly kept him wired on booze, painkillers and cocaine, betting 200,000 a hand, once offering 50k to open in and out at 3am just to feed his entourage after an all night gambling binge. After selling his family's company, Oriental Trading, his word, not mine, Watanabe became an ultra high stakes gambler. He reportedly gambled almost every day, betting millions of dollars per session on blackjack and other casino games. Casinos extended him enormous credit lines, sometimes tens of millions, and treated him lavishly with private suites, staff and luxury perks to keep him gambling. His spiral was fueled by a combination of addiction, depression, and the casino's encouragement. He was known to drink heavily while gambling and later alleged that casinos kept serving him alcohol, allowing him to gamble when even visibly impaired. He ultimately lost over 200 million, one of the largest individual losses in history. Caesars sued him over unpaid debts. He countersued, claiming the casino exploited his addiction. The case was settled privately. Since then, his story has become a cautionary tale about casino practices and gambling addiction among the ultra wealthy.
B
So just to get this straight, he cashed out the Oriental Trading Company, which was a huge.
A
It was his families and they were like, you now get this. And he was like this. I'm going to Vegas. I'm gonna go everything up. God, yeah.
B
And he doesn't have a terminal illness or anything. He's just an. He's just an addict like all of us. Yeah, like this.
A
He's an addict. He's a hardcore addict. He's still drooling. So he's maybe hasn't resolved it yet. I mean, maybe he's on pain pills right now.
B
Can you really blame the casino though? I. I'm curious to see what the lawsuit.
A
I don't think you can blame. I mean, I do think they probably were like, this is wild. We gotta, you know, give him another tequila. This guy is.
B
They were loving it. But that's what they do to everybody. Yeah, he's not special.
A
No. And then nobody could get him away from there because they were having a good time. Like, if your friend, if your friend is the guy doing that, you're just hanging out, you're like, do it again. Bet another 200 grand, you'll get it back.
B
God, that's the problem with being rich people. Nobody tells you no.
A
No one says no.
B
Nobody's saying no.
A
And that's like mega rich. I mean, that's, you know, 200 grand a hand.
B
That's so nihilistic.
A
So you go through the shoe and you're like, whatever, I lost 4 million. Let's just do it again. It's like fucking crazy.
B
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A
Yeah, I kind of get it, but I've never had the real like, I've never had the urge to really go hard. You know, I've done like a few hundred bucks. I think I've bet $1,000 on something. But that to me was like, I mean, heart palpitations. I was like, yeah, I don't like.
B
How it feels to lose hard earned money.
A
It hurts.
B
It sucks. Like, it doesn't. Because you guess what, guys? The house. The saying is like the, the customer always wins. Right?
A
Right. That's how it goes. If you're, if you're into gambling, the expression is you'll you're definitely not going to lose.
B
That's how they say winners win. So, like, you know, I remember too.
A
How I, I can remember. Like it was yesterday. I went to, I was in Vegas, I was doing a gig. And before the gig we went to the. One of the rooms to gamble. We were playing blackjack and I was winning and betting, you know, a few hundred dollars a hand. And I won 7, 500.
B
Oh my God.
A
And I was riding such a high. Like I went to the show and I was like. And we got back and I was like, let's go back in there. And people were trying to tell me, like, don't you, you won. I was like, nah, man, let's go back. And I lost what I'd won. I lost the 7,500 within minutes. And. And then I went to my room and I stared at the ceiling for an hour and I felt so empty and depressed. And that was for $7,500 that I'd won two hours earlier.
B
Yeah.
A
And it just, it killed me. I hated it. I hated the feeling. It was so depressing. I can't imagine, I know if you're talking about tens of thousands or millions of dollars, like, I don't, I can't imagine what you do.
B
But I'm wondering because his reaction, he's, he's drooling and he doesn't seem to be. He doesn't seem to have that level of self reflection.
A
Yeah, 200 million, 300 million.
B
And he's like, I would do it again if I could sell another company.
A
Yeah, of course. He's a hardcore.
B
He would do it again. See, there's no sense of remorse.
A
He just doesn't have anymore. But he was like, you don't have any more money. Oh, okay, okay. I go back now, I go home.
B
Poor guy. He's really in his suffering.
A
He really hates himself to say that. I feel like what a piece of fats might feel attacked, you know, by the house. And I just want them to know that you can still find love. You can, you can lift me up.
B
While we in this water.
A
Be Hercules for a minute.
B
Hercules. Hercules. My boyfriend Wendell and I have been together for six years. He slid in my DMs a couple times and I ignored him. But once he wrote me and said, hey, could I take you out to dinner? I was like, oh, well, you should.
A
Have started with that, sir.
B
Yep. Ain't this how it went?
A
Yeah, you got it right so far.
B
Oh, so far. God bless black men, they love fatsos. Otherwise, this Woman would not have love in her life.
A
Well, we saw a couple one time and that was a white guy.
B
Oh, right. A white. A white guy with a white lady orca. Really?
A
Yeah, yeah, it was a very rare.
B
That was something else.
A
Beluga whale was beached. And this guy, she was like Harold and he. He needed assist. They had a crane that came out and then helped her up. It was wild.
B
But Gene. Yeah, Gene, tell the listeners how long ago that was. That's before we had kids, babe. We saw that couple.
A
Yeah, it was over 10 years ago.
B
Yeah, that's how much that stuck in our memory. So that's an anomaly, babe. The. The. He was fit and he was.
A
He wasn't fit. He was just a thin guy.
B
Okay, so he was thin, but the wife was Shamu.
A
He was middle aged and she was. Yeah, it was like a manatee had just like kind of swam up on the shore and she. She was stuck. She was stuck in the shoreline. She was like. And then he was like. And she like, get me up.
B
But I remember that he had to go with the waves.
A
Yeah.
B
And then use the momentum to get her out. And you and I were like, what the fuck is happening?
A
I feel like this. That's some sort of kink though, right? I mean, I think the guy that is. With that size isn't just like, oh, I find that attractive. They like the feeling of. Of the. The need for them. The caretaking is part of what you get off on because you're like, this person can't do everything by themselves. Like. Or stand up from the ground or.
B
You know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, we were in a. We were. Was at Turks and Caicos somewhere.
A
Yeah, it was on a cruise or something.
B
Yeah. Your parents took us on a cruise after we gotten married, right? Was that the one?
A
I don't remember.
B
And so we were. It was a fancy island. Like you needed some scratch to go to this island. This isn't like Margaritaville and, you know, Jacksonville, Florida. This is a real place. Maybe she had money, because I do recall. Oh, wait, kink. There was one other lady. We saw that dynamic in a different place too, one time. And I was like, oh, she's gotta have money. She's gotta be an heiress.
A
But maybe that's not so much money as that. That's what he gets.
B
Dick hard.
A
Yeah, Dopamine. He's just like, she needs me.
B
I wish you had that, like, so I could just let it go. You can just take care of me.
A
I'll tell you Something that's not coming. So don't even worry about it.
B
I know it. Oh, I love them. Let me drown this little. Aw. Would you do that for me?
A
I don't know, it's just something about bigger women, like heavyset women that I like. I like to play with her, with her arms. I like to grab up on her, you know, play with her belly and rolls and stuff. You know what I'm saying?
B
Like I like, I feel like, okay, this a whole lot. So if I get something else that's a whole lot, that's gonna be hot. But he is the smallest I have ever dated.
A
Ever. Hey, he's super skinny.
B
Yeah, he's.
A
I'm guessing he's probably around maybe 140 pounds or something. And then I would say that she's probably like. Probably like getting close to 500, you know?
B
Oh, wow.
A
Yeah, yeah, she's probably like around 500.
B
Yeah, because he's like. He's like right runner skinny.
A
Yeah, he's a real skinny dude.
B
Real skinny.
A
That's really cool.
B
I'd like to see that. Is there. I'm sure there's porn for this. I just don't want to watch it.
A
Of course.
B
Can we look it up? Just curiosity. I just want to see what it looks like for like a skinny guy to have sex with a really big lady. How do you even do it? Yeah, because they have to do it. Think about it. She can't if she's on her back. She has to hold her stomach up.
A
Yeah, that's hot. Thanks.
B
And then if she's.
A
She can't get on top, she probably.
B
Can'T get into doggy. Because remember when I was super pregnant and we tried. It was so, so fat. I couldn't really do it.
A
I mean, she has to lay on her side, I guess. Or lay on her back if she's that big. And whoever's that big has to.
B
Yeah.
A
What happens if it's two super fatties then?
B
That's what I'm saying.
A
Cuz a real big guy can't mount you if he's that big.
B
No, because I know somebody that was married to a great big fat person.
A
Yeah.
B
And she was normal sized.
A
Yeah.
B
And she said they had to do it a certain way like that too.
A
Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up. Did you find something?
B
You brought your rookie?
A
Yeah.
B
Where'd you throw that ruggie?
A
Because it's making me feel sick talking about this.
B
Did you put it on the floor like you do in our house?
A
No, I put in the trash can.
B
I find those. There you go. Everywhere. Not just masturbation. Oh, okay. There we go. There's a doggy style, but she doesn't seem super fast.
A
Yeah, but she's pretty big. But that's the idea. She has to lay on her side.
B
These are privileged fats. I want the non privileged.
A
Yeah, you want a super fat. Yeah, yeah.
B
No, I don't buy this doggy style with her. She can't get on all fours.
A
Yeah, these are not. They're not super fatties.
B
I want real fats. Nayana.
A
Oh my God.
B
You need a boy to help you look.
A
Yeah.
B
Girls are not.
A
You know what? We're good. You can take that down. Thanks very much. Appreciate it.
B
Guys know where to find this stuff. Lickety split, like.
A
Yeah.
B
Get cougar to look or whoever's in there.
A
You know who else is fat? No. Any pet we ever get.
B
Stop.
A
It started with my family of origin.
B
I know. Rocket.
A
My parents, every time they had multiple dogs all my life and every time we went to the vet, they'd be like, hey, so this dog's really sick. And we're like, sick. And they're like, well, it's super fat. It's gonna die if you. What are you feeding it? Do you feed it just like bacon? My parents would be like, oh, we're like. They're like, do you walk your dog? That was my favorite. They'd be like, yeah, you know, we let him out, like, no, do you walk him? They're like, we've, we've. Yeah, we've been meaning to. Yeah. You're like, hey, you're not a good dog owner. And then they would get super like, what? We love these dogs. You're like, no, not just the feeling you have. What do you do for the dog?
B
Nothing.
A
Nothing.
B
So Rocket was a beagle, which Beagles are supposed to be really thin cuz they're not like greatly built dogs. They have to stay thin. But yours was morbidly obese.
A
Yeah, his stomach. When he sat on his hind legs, his stomach would hang to the side and on the ground for rock. And they were like, oh my God. I remember the vet being like, this is. And wildly obese.
B
And then remember one time you went with your mom to the vet and they're like, he's wildly obese. And then you go, should we put him down?
A
Oh, yeah.
B
In front of your mother.
A
She got so mad.
B
So mad to me.
A
What? He's dying. He's dying because he's under your care. And then, then we Got bitsy.
B
But hold on, back it up to. To Rocket. So Rocket was also, in your family's defense, a shitty dog. Meaning that was licking dinner plates. Like your mother would clean off the dinner plates, put them in the dishwasher, and you'd be. He'd be like, licking those. And then he was one of those dogs that would get up on his hind legs and eat anything that was on the counter. So.
A
And they didn't train. They. They've never trained a dog. So their dogs, all the dogs always misbehave. And you're like, this is horrible. And then she would say like, oh, you don't like dogs? Like, no, no, no. You're supposed to train your dog. Like you can train behavior.
B
You can train them to do that.
A
You can train them to not all be chaotic at all hours. Jumping on. Like, you can train them if you actually spend time doing that. And they were like, what? So the dogs were always just like. It was always chaos, feral.
B
And then they're constantly barking. Anytime someone rang the door, a phone.
A
Rings or a fucking. Yeah, a wind chime blow. The dogs would just go in case.
B
But then the dogs bark. And then your mother and your sister and everybo would go, shut up. Shut the up.
A
Yeah. You're like, that's not how to train a dog.
B
So it's a cacophony of like, ding dong, shut the up.
A
Here's a steak. Yeah, yeah. It was just chaos, dude. And he was fat and even the dog and useless.
B
So useless, dude.
A
You could feed him like green beans.
B
As many as he wanted.
A
Yeah. And then she did it for one day.
B
Yeah.
A
Remember the day they're like, yeah, he ate a bowl of green beans. I'm like, yeah, well, he's allowed to. That's cool. And then the next day they were like, we gave him his treats.
B
I'm like, good. Well, that's the thing. He was a treat hound. So they let him do the stupid things. Okay, so flash forward to Bisky.
A
So Bisky was our fif.
B
Was never obese.
A
No, he wasn't. Bisky, though, got fat with us eating too much and she's a little tiny Brussels.
B
A Brussels griffon.
A
But when we had to give her to my mother because our youngest has a very high dog allergy, Bisky wanted to die and she starved herself.
B
It's true. The dog has an eating disorder.
A
Yeah. And we were like, oh, it's because of my mother. Like any. Anyone that spends time with my mother just loses the will to live.
B
Right. Wants to Starve themselves.
A
We're like, what's going on? This dog was fat and now it's like bones. And it's like it gave. It gave. She. She gave literally anxiety and was like, I can't do this.
B
Literally. The dog got ill. Yeah.
A
We're like, this is not. This never happened with us.
B
No. Bisky, sweet little Bitsy was the opposite because we had two babies at the time.
A
Yeah.
B
I remember the babies in their high chairs. You know, kids spill half of their food on the floor. So Bitsy was there licking up. Yeah. Which is fine. I was too tired to clean up macaroni and cheese from the floor. So I was grateful that we had.
A
Her, that we had a vacuum. A dog vacuum. Yes.
B
Let her do it. So that was Bisky. And now she's barely hanging on. She's skin and bones.
A
Yeah. Well, she gained a little bit.
B
A little bit. Yeah.
A
Yeah. But she still is like, I don't want to live.
B
She doesn't want to live with your mom.
A
No.
B
And I wish we could take her back, but I had Julian's blood tested again. The doctor says no bueno. The allergies are out of control. Can't do it with the dog. So we have. We have one cat, Munchy. And then of course, about a month or two ago, yeah, we adopted another cat because I'm mentally ill. And so your son Ellis, too. And we. And the kids, and we love them and throw up. So here's my problem. Let's see. Maybe we can figure this out together in real time. Since we never talk about this. We don't have time to talk about this at home. Are you ready?
A
Yeah.
B
So here's the problem I got. Here's why cats are great.
A
Okay?
B
Everything's automated. The litter box cleans itself. And then I got cat feeders that automatically. So that they're not meowing at you at six in the morning for their meals.
A
Yeah.
B
Okay, so it's automated. So here's the problem. The little guy needs to eat a certain amount. The big guy, Munchie, needs to eat a certain amount. So there's Biscuit, who's the kitten, and Munchkin, the full grown cat. Okay? So what happens is the food gets dispensed at the same time right next to each other. And now it's a free for all. And who's going to win eating the food? The big guy. Big guy. So now munchie is two pounds overweight.
A
Yeah.
B
Which in cat weight is what, 30 pounds?
A
That's a lot. You can Tell. He's. He's a big boy. Yeah, yeah.
B
He's super. He's a super fat.
A
You're like, oh, it's a Sagura pet.
B
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
A
It's fat.
B
So what do I do? I don't want to lose the automation.
A
Yeah.
B
Because I'm not. I don't want to wake up to meowing. What the. I got to separate them.
A
You're not asking the right guy. I don't know.
B
Do you guys know how to do this? Because the kitten needs to eat. The cat needs to eat.
A
I think the answer is going to be one that you don't like, which.
B
Is me feeding them separately in separate rooms.
A
Yeah.
B
And then what? Eventually the automators I can do once Munchkin's weight is stabilized and they get used to eating in these areas.
A
And biscuits a little bigger so can fight.
B
Off.
A
Okay. Off. That's mine. Yeah. Cuz right now he's like, oh, poor Bisky. Yeah.
B
Little Biscuit is just like, okay, I guess. Who can eat? So cute. And he breastfeeds on me constantly.
A
But if you want, it's.
B
Have you had a cat do that? Oh, my God. So he does biscuits, which is why we call him that Biscuit. But then he starts sucking my shirt.
A
Yeah. It's really sad.
B
It's the saddest thing.
A
It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
B
I know.
A
Yeah. He's just like every night, like, sucking on a sweatshirt.
B
And I'm like, babe, this is the wrong mom. I got no tits.
A
He's like, I'm fucking. I'm sick of doing this. He, like, tuckers himself out. Like, I've tried to get milk out of this bitch for a month. Yeah.
B
Yeah. And then he gets full. And then he falls asleep. But I've tried getting the bottle feeder because I was like, oh, maybe he. He doesn't know how to. He won't latch.
A
Why don't you put the bottle feeder through your shirt?
B
That's what I'm trying to. I've done it.
A
Really?
B
That's what I've said. I've tried. But he doesn't know to suck that. I know. I got cat breastfeeding issues. I got a morbid, morbidly obese cat. I got two hamsters that won't fucking die.
A
They're not dead.
B
No.
A
God, I thought they were dead.
B
I've been waiting patiently.
A
Why don't we give them two biscuit?
B
I will fucking love that.
A
And let him just see what he can do.
B
I Would love that. Because the hammies, everybody was like, they're going to die within like two months. It'll be easy. And then they just keep living. It's been a year and change. And I'm like, fucking die, dude. I don't want to pay for this anymore.
A
Fucking hamster.
B
They suck. They hate us. Every time I put my hand in there, they want to bite me. And it's my fault. I'm a shitty owner.
A
Yeah.
B
I don't train it.
A
Give them to my mom. Give them to my mom. They'll be dead in a week. Mommy.
B
Dude, this is such a great idea.
A
We got it, bro. We got an early Christmas present. She has dogs over there. A couple crazy ones.
B
Yeah, they'll eat it.
A
Yeah, that's a fun, fun plan.
B
You know, we should do. Dude, put it in one of those balls, you know? Yeah, the exercise balls. And then she'll be like.
A
I love these.
B
Take it home. Why don't you take that home?
A
Take them, take them, take them. Give them an eating disorder and then bring them back.
B
Yeah. The hamsters are so well fed, well taken care of. They're not dying anytime soon.
A
I got something you're going to love.
B
Oh, you can like the way I look.
A
Yeah.
B
Guarantee my ex boyfriend loved it when I farted right in his face. And I don't mean just like a little, like two. I mean like wet, loud, messy farts. He loved that. He loved that.
A
Pretty cool, huh?
B
I'm sure he loves you putting a video out there about that.
A
Everyone knows who your ex is.
B
Yeah.
A
Yeah.
B
Well, that's. I mean, I've been waiting for this my whole life. You're not into it.
A
I'm not into it.
B
I don't know why. It sounds really nice. Imagine it'd be a win. Win for you and me both.
A
Oh, my God. It's not a win.
B
What if I was into your smelly, stinky farts? Would you be okay with that?
A
I have never farted in front of you. I've never farted in front of you. I'm never gonna break that.
B
You're such a liar.
A
No.
B
Every day of my life. I woke up yesterday to the sound of you irrigating your asshole with a toto because you ran it on multiple.
A
Yeah, that's not farting, though. That's cleaning myself.
B
Yeah, I know, but then the farts, that came after. I hear it all the time.
A
I don't.
B
If you get up to pish in the middle of the night and then pish and then back. No, no, Fart, come, machine. That's all you want. Used to be food, but now it's just farts. And come.
A
Okay.
B
And sweat. Now you're like, I'm working out, baby.
A
I'm working out. Who takes me to the gym?
B
Kettlebells.
A
Kettlebells. I gotta do my cold.
B
Have you cold plunge?
A
Not today.
B
Did you even plunge, bro?
A
No, I didn't lose dumb that I am. Yeah.
B
What about sauna? Did you.
A
I haven't done it today.
B
You call yourself a fitness guy?
A
No, I don't.
B
You're not even fit.
A
I'm just trying to be less.
B
You hyperbarics?
A
No, no. Did you.
B
Not today.
A
Okay.
B
Yeah, but I'm just trying not to be disgusting.
A
I'm not trying to fit. That is the goal. I'm not trying to be fit. I'm trying to be not.
B
No, you're into, like, fit CEO mode.
A
Now, where you want to look like fit CEO mode.
B
That's the new thing. It used to be fat CEOs, and now everybody's a fit CEO. That is a fit CEO guy. Now.
A
That is a thing. Yeah, they used to be just. That's the thing is the boss would just be like, oh, I'm a pig. Because I'm the boss, you earn your privilege. Yeah, all the CEOs of the 80s and 90s and even early 2000s, you're like, oh, that pig. That's the CEO. You know the guy I got 90 million in stock options. He's like, hell, yeah. And now there's just like.
B
Everybody's jacked.
A
I mean, the Bezos one is the best transformation ever. Because it really is. If you were like, what happens if you give a fucking dork a hundred billion dollars or whatever, and then you're like, oh, you can see that now. Like, he was thinning hair. Just kind of like, can I see him before?
B
Because I don't think I know what he looks like.
A
Amazing. It's amazing. Yeah. Good for him.
B
Oh, I like him better as a dork.
A
That's him.
B
I like him much better as a dork. I don't like Fitzo. Oh. I like him better as a nerd style.
A
He's got muscles.
B
He's got the veneers. Oh, yeah, veneers.
A
Bezos before the billions, reading his book with his fucking brick brown weave belt.
B
Yeah, I love it.
A
Now he's on a yacht, babe.
B
You need to get veneers next.
A
Hell, no. Those guys are the craziest.
B
Well, that's what he did. He got veneers.
A
Yeah, he looks Insane. Look, that's. Look at that 98 photo.
B
I know. He's.
A
I know. He's just a sweet guy. He's like, hey.
B
Hi, everybody.
A
You like books? You want to have one shipped to your house?
B
I'm Jeff Bezos.
A
I got a new idea.
B
Oh, he looks so. He does look so sweet.
A
I know. And on the right there, he's like, look at him. Jesus.
B
I know. Now he's a tough guy.
A
He's like, we can kill people. That's fine.
B
I know Jeff. I like. I like 1998 Jeff, sweetheart. Because you come up to you and he'd be like, hey, Christina. Like, he tried to talk to you.
A
And you'd be like, I noticed you wore your shirt with hearts on it today. I know.
B
I'd be like, thanks, Jeff. Jeff's trying to talk to me.
A
Yeah.
B
Dork.
A
Now he's plowing puss and just buying.
B
Yeah, well, he's only plowing one puss. So she got married, which is, I think, a big, stupid move when you're this wealthy. And like, he's been married his whole life, and then he just got remarried again.
A
He likes her.
B
You gotta. You gotta go plowing hoes, right, babe?
A
I mean, you would think so.
B
But anyway, my stepdad, you know, my Indian mystery Indian stepdad, his whole thing was like, yeah, I got rich in America and now I can get fat. That's what. That's the whole point of being rich is being fat and shitty.
A
Yeah.
B
And enjoying food. But now it's the opposite.
A
Zuckerberg. Another one.
B
Oh, yeah, he's a dork. Let's look at him.
A
Dork. And then now he's. He did it also.
B
Let's see. Is. I haven't seen him fit.
A
Yeah.
B
He's so pasty. He does need to get a spray tan if he's gonna.
A
Oh, yeah, but look at that. The hair, the beard, his whole steez. Facial hair. It's fake. No, stop.
B
No. That's gotta be AI.
A
That can't be true.
B
That's hilarious.
A
And his fake facial hair.
B
He looks great, though. It looks so much better with facial hair.
A
He looks so much better now, period. Yeah, everything. Yeah, yeah.
B
Because he had no eyebrows before his creep creepy haircut. Bad haircut, bad teeth.
A
Why does it say that? It's fake facial hair. Does it?
B
I don't know.
A
It's restricted. Okay. All right. That's really insane. But, yeah, he was. He was that guy. See the. Right. Yeah, that. That's the photo.
B
Yeah, I like the gray shirt one.
A
That was really him with his little tits so long. Or him in the suit right there.
B
Yeah, that's fine.
A
That was. That was him. But now he's going surfing and he does jiu jitsu.
B
I know.
A
And he just. He leveled up his glow up, I guess you were saying.
B
But the thing is too, if you're a CEO, like you don't have a lot of time, so these guys have to wake up at like 4am and do that whole thing.
A
I'm sure he has a pretty crazy schedule. Yeah. From hoodies to high fashion. Yeah, he's.
B
He did it.
A
He did it, man. Yeah, he's. He's definitely cool now. Well, no, he's getting leather jackets and.
B
Oh, no, he's doing the. The cool writing shirts. Yeah, you know, the. What is that called? Like, Tom Hardy.
A
Is that a gold chain?
B
Yeah, I can't. Fierce. Yeah, right. Like, wasn't Tom Hardy the official douchebag brand?
A
Yeah, Ed Hardy.
B
Ed Hardy.
A
Tom Hardy's an actor.
B
What is he doing?
A
Yeah.
B
Poor Tom Hardy.
A
Tom Hardy.
B
Douche. Sorry. Tom Hardy. I meant Ed Hardy.
A
Yeah. Look at that. Look at the progression. One there the.
B
Yeah, I liked 08. I like the intensity of the autistic nerd. Oh, and oh, four. Like, I like when he's kind of a pissy nerd. Pissy nerd is hot. It's when you try to be nice nerd that you suck. Yeah, like he was a mean nerd. Like, I liked him in the Facebook movie.
A
Now, do you have an issue with Elon being super, super wealthy and then also out of shape? Because I think it's inexcusable. But it's kind of what we were saying. Like that's the point of being the CEO. World's richest guy. Yeah, right. Because what's he look like right now? It ain't good.
B
No, he looks like a hot bag.
A
Yeah.
B
What is it? Ten pounds of.
A
In a five pound bag? Yeah, he totally, totally does.
B
See, here's. But here's the good.
A
Tries to hide it, you know, with like clothes and the way. But look at that. What the fuck is going on?
B
But here's why this works for him.
A
Yeah.
B
He is so disliked right now.
A
Yeah.
B
That. That is going to be in his favor. That makes him likable.
A
He's majorly, like dissociative. Like, he is totally well on the spectrum. Like, he doesn't.
B
Oh, he's full circle back to our first guy.
A
Yeah. Yeah.
B
Who doesn't like to take care of the autistics.
A
Yeah, he's not. It's crazy, though. Like, you know, he looks like shit hot. And that's the thing, is if you have all those resources, like, why.
B
I agree.
A
Why?
B
You can afford a chef, you can afford a trainer.
A
You can afford everything in the world.
B
You got to do it.
A
You got to do it and just have this. You can have every meal. Just kind of go like, here you go. This is what's healthy.
B
There's no excuse.
A
So is he doing well now? Is this what this is saying? Because I just saw a clip of him and it didn't look good. Didn't look good. He is so hated, Mr. Rocket Man.
B
Everybody hates him. So.
A
I know. I can't believe that people like him sucks. I find him highly unlikable. You know, I find him to be one of the least likable human beings on the planet. And I don't admire him. And I feel like they've given. Look at this.
B
It sucks so bad. Here's the problem, though. Could you imagine being on vacation and then having paparazzi snap those ghost.
A
No, it's horrible. I know it's horrible.
B
Sucks. Like he didn't want that. Yeah, sucks. Okay, wait, but I do want. I want fit Elon and I want tatted Elon. Like, I want him getting sleeves. That's the next step.
A
You know who I respect their look Wise. I've always liked Larry Ellison's look.
B
Let's look at Larry Ellis.
A
He looks like, hey, you. That's what his look is at all times. It's. He has contempt. I love it.
B
Yeah, you know, smug.
A
Smug rich guy smug.
B
Yeah.
A
And it's fantastic.
B
Yeah, this is what, like Mr. Burns was in the Simpsons. Like, if you're going to be a rich, be a rich. The problem is you're trying to be a likable rich person. Nobody likes you. No, nobody fucking likes you because you're too rich.
A
Now, Larry loves Elon and. And he's. He's been super rich for so long, but he always has that look of like.
B
It's so funny.
A
Yeah.
B
So good. You know what? Who I always love, liked and who was severely out of shape and ironically, Bill Gates. Tommy Lorda. Oh, yeah, I loved the Loyers. Yeah.
A
Slim Fast. Yeah, he did Slim Fast commercials.
B
Tommy Lorda.
A
Yeah, he's.
B
Was he the coach for the Doyers?
A
Manager.
B
Yeah, their manager.
A
Yeah, look at him. Look at his hoshi right there.
B
Such a piece of. Yeah, I just love. Yeah, he died at 93.
A
Yeah. Italian. He loved to eat. Yeah, he loved.
B
Tommy lasagna. That's what they used to call him.
A
I might have something in la. Of, of.
B
But he's one of those guys that was like, look it, I made it. I'm gonna eat. I'm not gonna try to be fit. I'm a baseball guy. Who cares?
A
Let me see if I can find this, because I think you're gonna get a real.
B
He was known for being fat in the 80s and the 90s. Like, Tommy would do the Slim Fast ads because people knew how fat he was and he couldn't control his weight.
A
Correct.
B
Cuz he would. Yo, yo. And then they're like, why don't you just do Slim Fast commercials?
A
He was up and down. He would do that. Yeah.
B
That's what he was known for was going.
A
He was like me. He'd lose weight, then he'd open a bakery. You got to do the volume. I don't give a.
B
You got left stand here. I strike this. I don't give a doggy.
A
Well, I may be wrong, but that's my goddamn job. I'll make a. I'll make the decisions here.
B
I'll make the decisions here.
A
Okay.
B
Love these guys. I miss this.
A
It just kills me that we don't get to hear this on the broadcast.
B
I know. And see the board yesterday.
A
I don't give a. God damn it. I'll make a decision. Give you a mouth shut.
B
I told you, you know, I loved him so great. You talk about it in my office.
A
Okay, we're good. You can take it down.
B
I love this kind of stuff.
A
It's so great.
B
I know, but see, this is it. If you're gonna be that guy, just be an unlikable piece of. When you try to be likable. This is.
A
Well, the funny thing about him is he was beloved.
B
Beloved.
A
And in public, he was like, hello. Do you know that Tommy Lasorda. I've told you this before. When you're Cat. You know Jewish people have a bar mitzvah about mitzvah. When you're Catholic, you have kings. No. What's it called?
B
Confirmation.
A
Confirmation. Thank you. When I had my confirmation, there was 15 of us. We were in a small town in Florida. And the person that gave our, like, confirmation speech was Tommy Lasorda.
B
That's right.
A
Because the Dodgers used to do spring training in Vero Beach. So they're like, all right, y' all are Catholic adults now. And to, you know, welcome you into adulthood, here's Tommy Lasorda.
B
Fuck yeah.
A
Tommy Lasorda.
B
God, you're so lucky you got him.
A
Yeah, it was Great.
B
Damn, dude.
A
It's pretty cool. And then you could tell that, like, eight of them were, like, who? They just sat there like idiots. Who's this guy?
B
I grew up in la. I never got Tommy Lasorda to talk in my school.
A
Wild.
B
So unfair.
A
It's pretty crazy.
B
Guy's a legend.
A
He's a pretty cool dude.
B
I miss him.
A
You miss him?
B
I miss. I just miss guys like that that are like, I'm a piece of, like, everybody's fit, everybody's perfect, everybody's striving for excellence. There's no sense of, like, yeah, you can be excellent, but maybe you hate yourself too. Maybe you're a fat piece of shit.
A
Yeah.
B
And that's okay because you're not there yet. Like, not in this life, dude. You're just going to be fat and shitty in this life.
A
That's okay. Speaking of people who can't read social cues. Well, me, no, we were just talking about them.
B
Sorry, was I talking too much?
A
No, no, you. I mean, you have a.
B
You're a little dash downs.
A
Yeah, yeah. But this guy, that's br.
B
Sick.
A
I just had a. A business discussion with the people that need to hear it, so whatever y' all want to say.
B
I don't like.
A
Please proceed. Yeah, I'm dressed up. Dressed up. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I got tattoos. Yeah. Please keep on going. That's it. That's the whole video. I don't know.
B
Is he. Oh, so he's practicing for a business call?
A
No, he did one. He did his business call and he's telling you that, like, I just had a business discussion and, you know, just keep talking. Yeah, I'm dressed up. This is funny that he's like. This is dressed up.
B
I know. He's got two crosses on.
A
He's doubly Catholic.
B
Yeah, that's a weird double. I've never seen the double cross.
A
I got to keep talking. What? What's going on?
B
He's trying to. He's like a teenager. He's trying to show you how cool he is. Can I tell you something? Real talk. Yeah, G. If there was Tik Tok. If there was, like, this stuff.
A
I hated that so much. Stop doing that. It was awful. Hate it.
B
Hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?
A
Stop making so much noise.
B
If. If social medias existed when I was a teenager, do you understand how embarrassing my shit would have been? All of us, all goth, all day, I would be like, welcome. You know, I would just have done the most. The gayest goth stuff.
A
Yeah, you're gay, so.
B
But he's too old to be doing this. Is he wearing a bald cap or. He's really bald.
A
He's really bald. Yeah, of course. Yeah. He's touched.
B
He's too old. He's touched.
A
Yeah.
B
You think he's tik tocked? Yeah, but he doesn't look touched in the face.
A
You can tell by the way he communicates that something's not happening. Not every. You know.
B
Should I pay for him? I want to pay for him. Parents should pay for him. He's autistic.
A
That's right. Yeah. Guy, you and your kid. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
B
That was loud in my ear. I didn't like that.
A
You deserve it for everything I've been doing. Take the doors off. Oh.
B
Dude.
A
Holy.
B
I liked. That was very much.
A
Oh, my God. I like that bounce. A bat bounced from the windshield right into his. His face.
B
Yep.
A
Yeah, he's fucked up over that. Yeah, that is fucked up.
B
Oh, fuck.
A
Oh, Jesus Christ. So there's a guy that is scaling a wall that he shouldn't be, and there's not a lot of ledge there. And then he falls.
B
I don't want it. I don't like it.
A
Look at that knee.
B
No, I don't want to look at it.
A
It's just right there. Nope, it's right there. It's frozen. It's frozen.
B
Just don't give a mate.
A
Mate look once.
B
I don't want to see it.
A
Look.
B
I don't want to. This reminds me. No, I don't want to look. I'm going to puke. Why do you have to do this? Why do you torture me?
A
Because I want you to feel stuff.
B
I don't love you.
A
Okay, check out this next one. No, next one. No, Put your phone down.
B
No, I want to plug something for my friend. Just let me find it. Okay. Speaking of mites, Connor Swindles, friend of the show. British actor, has a movie on Netflix, I believe that's dropping Today, actually, on November 19th, called Jingle Bell Heist. Check it out. He's a mommy.
A
Okay.
B
He's really sweet.
A
He is very sweet.
B
Very good actor. He's done a bunch of shit as a Barbie movie.
A
He's done odd choice in placement of the ad. But yeah, he's a great.
B
Because we're doing English accent.
A
I put it together. I put it together.
B
I hate so much you're like, you know what? Jeff Bezos. Shut up. Shut up. Just as bad as him with your fit comedian. Oh, holy.
A
He might not be able to talk anymore. Holy.
B
Oh, he had a helmet on.
A
Yeah, that's not going to help your neck. He hit that so hard.
B
I hate this segment.
A
Like, it's the best. It's the absolute best. This is why they watch, Gene. This is what.
B
This is not why they. They watch for my tech talks. Everybody knows. I've been waiting for this clip my whole life.
A
I like when someone's just like. That guy's like, come on, man, that's India.
B
So they're all like, okay, big deal. Move along. Look, no, no stop for you when you die in India.
A
Look, he's not dead. He's okay. He's okay. We checked every moment. He's okay.
B
This full bounced off the dirt. Dirt road, whatever he is. Yeah, Calcutta. He's dead.
A
I don't think he's dead. I think he's okay.
B
I love how no one gives a shit. Look, that guy's not even looking his way next to him on the motorcycle. That's how little life matters.
A
It's a lot of people, man.
B
A lot of peeps.
A
Yeah. You can't. You gotta care less. You have to.
B
No. Yeah. And even if you do go to the hospital, good luck with that.
A
You think so?
B
That's not gonna be good. Well, no. No way, dude. I want to go the hospital in like, second world, like in Budapest, Hungary, and nine in the 90s. You didn't want to go to the hospital. Yeah, and that's.
A
No.
B
There's no way that's a good sitch.
A
I mean, they have. They have to have good hospitals. They have to. There's not. There's too many people.
B
There's no way.
A
There's no good hospitals.
B
India.
A
Yeah, of course in India, maybe the British, every town. But, like, you don't think Mumbai has a decent maybe?
B
Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Yes. Maybe not. Mumbai. Yeah, maybe Mumbai went next to the Four Seasons.
A
I mean, they.
B
They have one. They do have Four Seasons.
A
I've heard, first of all, who are the best doctors here, but they come here brew. Yeah, but some don't.
B
They get their degrees here and then not abroad.
A
I don't think so.
B
Yes, they do. You cannot practice medicines. What are you talking about? In America, unless you pass the marriage.
A
No, but I'm saying that there's still got to be excellent medical care.
B
Sure, sure.
A
Of course.
B
I don't know.
A
I do know.
B
Racist.
A
I know.
B
I just don't trust it. I don't trust. It's not. It's because my stepdad, my stepfather, told me so many awful stories about this country. I Have so much sadness for them. It's that terrible.
A
Tom. Yeah, I don't. I don't think it's as bad as you're saying. I think it's actually.
B
Would you Google Bombay Hospital?
A
I mean, just. Okay. Oh, are there good hospitals?
B
12 kids in one bed.
A
Okay.
B
Yeah, there they are, crammed in.
A
Everybody covet image. You don't think. Come on, just actually write, how good are the hospitals in India?
B
Nope, that's not gonna be good.
A
I could. I. I think it's actually. There has to be good ones.
B
I don't know, dude, they have open defecation.
A
So many people, though. They can't just have poor medical care in a nation of a billion people. I don't believe that.
B
That's. I just think you're too American.
A
See, it varies significantly between the private and public sectors. Top tier private hospitals offering world class.
B
Good, good. Okay, so go to India for your appendicitis.
A
I mean, you don't have to be so goddamn crass, Christine. Okay? There's people there, then they need help and they're getting it.
B
I hope so. Okay, look, I love the Indians.
A
You're just. You know what you need to do? You need to get on a dating app. You need to meet somebody. Do you want me to tell you how to do it? I'll tell you how to do it.
B
What's up? I have a way to fix dating apps. Number one, ban Indian men. Number two, ban fat women. Number three, ban single mothers and their baby daddies.
A
There you go.
B
Wow, this chick's got it figured out. Yeah, I don't seem so bad now compared to her.
A
Well, that's why I played it.
B
To help you.
A
Yeah, she's. And also the confidence.
B
Yeah, she said it dead faced, dead.
A
And just ready to go. And she's just like, secondly how we fix things.
B
I'm sweating.
A
Does she post stuff like this a lot?
B
Do we know this broad?
A
I don't know. Her name is Brittany Venti. I don't know. Dude, it says that she's a biological black woman.
B
Okay.
A
Is this true?
B
I don't know.
A
Is that her? There she is. I am a biologically black woman, but the black community revoked my card. That's a strange.
B
She doesn't fit into the black community. Maybe.
A
I thought that was Niana's profile. Who is this person?
B
She's pretty, though.
A
Yeah. Is that you?
B
A lot of pictures alone. No, not black. Oh, a lot of pictures alone. Do we have Tik Toks? Do we have time for them?
A
We can do a Couple. Let's do it. Ready?
B
Yeah.
A
Here we go. Okay. Oh, my God.
B
Oh, I just don't. Don't do the move.
A
If you can't do the move, don't do it. That's exactly right.
B
Just don't do the move.
A
Because there's an age where you go, I can't do the move anymore.
B
That's okay.
A
And he just was like.
B
Oh, so slow and embarrassing.
A
And you have to be like, yeah, I know.
B
That's how I feel watching Madonna dance now.
A
It's all bad.
B
Don't. Just don't try to do the same exact. Yeah, do something different that you can do. Do what you can do.
A
Oh, my God.
B
Yeah, you can't do the same exact thing you did when you were young.
A
Here. Is there another mic trick here? Let's see.
B
Oh, that one was okay. All right. He spun it. Yeah, it's a cordless mic.
A
Oh. Oh. He's like.
B
I can't tell if that was intentional.
A
Yeah, that felt like I'm gonna fall and then act like I was trying to fall, you know?
B
That's what I would have done.
A
Yeah, that's what I would have done, too. I'm like, down here now. Somebody rushed up like, you okay?
B
No, there's no way he meant to fall down.
A
Who did he throw that to?
B
Side some stage hands. God.
A
Jesus.
B
He's throwing the mics.
A
Throwing the mic stand again.
B
Yeah. You break that, I have to fix that again. It's a wireless. It's going to be a problem. And then replacing that shit.
A
Yeah, that's good.
B
As you go off, you see this blur of green and blue in the background, because you're going really quickly. And that's when I came to a sudden stop in the air. That was my safety eye, which actually snapped, opening my eyes underwater. Seeing all this murky, brown, bubbly stuff, so you can't really see anything. It's like being in a washing machine. You don't know which way's up, which ways down. Originally, I was looking at going to Europe, and then I remembered that it's actually cold over there, so I decided I'd head somewhere a bit warmer. I started off in Egypt, so I spent two weeks traveling around Egypt and then headed down to Zambia from Malawi, where I was.
A
This is long as fuck. Is this this person's life story Safari.
B
Part of the tour group you got. I just meant for that trip where she gets snapped.
A
That was horrible. Then she was like, that's my safety harness. And then that snapped.
B
Yo. She's like, Then he's in the water and he's washed around like he's in a washing machine. Like. Ah. Really? Yeah.
A
Don't know what's up or down.
B
That's cool. I would be. I mean.
A
Yeah.
B
I never bungee jumped. Did you ever do this?
A
Never. I've never bungee jumped.
B
Now, I never trusted the equipment on that one.
A
It was never of interest to me. Really.
B
No, me neither. They tried to get me interested. People were trying. I'm like, I don't try. I don't think so.
A
I don't. I think so.
B
Nah, dude, your Bungie. Believe in yourself you're the shining star where you go you'll never be Every step you take you're riding your soul so believe in yourself and you will be strong. I love this song.
A
Do you? Yeah. It's a nice studio, too.
B
Yeah. Of course. She's been.
A
Claire Alexander has been Blowing up by Claire Alexander. Yeah. Congratulations to Claire on your new hit.
B
Yep. She's great. Yeah, she's been plugging it and really working it.
A
That was your best line I've ever seen. Just. She's great.
B
Well, she really bought it selling CDs.
A
Good CDs are popular these days.
B
And, you know.
A
I'm sensing a theme to this batch. Can you guess what it is?
B
It's awesome. Talent.
A
Yeah, talent. That's what I was gonna say.
B
What do you think? Her dance moves.
A
It reminds me of older Chinese people in the park.
B
Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. They do their taiji.
A
Okay. All right, buddy. Let's see if he can fly today.
B
There.
A
He's actually working. Look at him.
B
He's cruising.
A
The weirdest thing I've ever seen. All right, bring him down gentle.
B
That's pretty rad.
A
That's pretty fun.
B
Cat flying with drones.
A
It's AI, right? Sure, yeah.
B
It's pretty cute, though.
A
It's fun. That's why you should use AI make fun videos like that.
B
That and yeah. Highly inappropriate ones that I'm really liking.
A
Yeah. Yeah. There's some fun Nazi ones out there. Let's see what else we got here.
B
So they're saying, I guess in China it's like old people are just allowed to just fart. Blast.
A
That was wet and it had different stages of it. It's pretty crazy. All right, I gotta run.
B
I love you.
A
I love you, too. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Please check out Chichobomba here in Austin, Texas. Currently, the pop up is at the fairgrounds in downtown Austin. And we will see you guys very soon. Bye.
B
Bye.
A
Dude, that was horrible. You have no idea what you just did to people. That was horrible. Completely blew it out. Why would you do that? Into the map. Horrible. Horrible. Why would you. Why would you die? Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Completely blew it out.
B
I just wanted to see what that felt like.
A
Why would you. Why would you. Why would you? Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
Release Date: November 19, 2025
Hosts: Tom Segura & Christina Pazsitzky
Studio: YMH Studios
In this lively and laugh-packed episode, Tom and Christina cover a whirlwind of topics—most notably Tom’s new bakery adventure in Austin, food indulgences, fat privilege categories, relationships, and the ever-present absurdities and oddities from the internet. True to form, the "Mommies" dive into stories about overindulgence, body image, societal trends, weird internet people, and pet ownership gone awry, all with their signature mix of irreverence and candor.
Laden with authentic personal stories and wild internet finds, Ep. 837 epitomizes the YMH mix: candid, self-deprecating, and full of biting humor about food, bodies, wealth, relationships, and everything in between. From Tom’s bakery announcement to pet obesity and CEO glow-ups, every segment is layered with sharp commentary and raucous laughter—a must-listen for longtime fans and newcomers alike.
End of Content Summary