Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792

Summary

Your Mom's House Episode 792: "Conspiracy Chaos" with Sam Tripoli

Release Date: January 8, 2025
Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Guest: Sam Tripoli

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1. Introduction to the Episode

In Episode 792 of "Your Mom's House," hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura welcome comedian Sam Tripoli for a lively discussion filled with humor, personal anecdotes, and deep dives into various conspiracy theories. The episode kicks off with light-hearted banter about unmet technological expectations, setting the stage for a diverse range of topics.

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2. Disappointments in Technological Advancements

Tom Segura and Sam Tripoli begin by lamenting the lack of futuristic technologies they anticipated by 2025. They joke about the absence of hoverboards and flying cars, reflecting on how real-life advancements have fallen short of childhood dreams.

• Tom Segura ([01:00]): "It's Now January of 25, which is such an unusual thing to say."

• Sam Tripoli ([01:02]): "I didn't think I'd be alive this long."

The conversation highlights a humorous take on society's slowed technological progress, with both comedians expressing playful frustration over unmet expectations.

---

3. The Mark Char Blackface Incident

A significant portion of the episode delves into the controversial court appearance of Mark Char from Oahu, who appeared in blackface during a sentencing hearing. Tom Segura provides a detailed recount of the incident, emphasizing the absurdity and legal consequences.

• Tom Segura ([03:00]): "Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole... he showed up in blackface resentence for attempted murder."

The discussion covers the legal ramifications of Char's actions and the broader societal implications of his portrayal in blackface, blending both critical analysis and comedic commentary.

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4. Tribute to Hard Rock Nick

The hosts pay homage to the late Hard Rock Nick, a figure known for his flamboyant personality and self-proclaimed wealth. Sam Tripoli shares humorous reflections on Nick's extravagant lifestyle and untimely death, highlighting his impact on their community.

• Sam Tripoli ([07:40]): "Hard Rock Nick. This is a certificate of death for you that don't. For you that don't know Hard Rock Nick. We were on his stuff pretty fucking early."

The segment combines heartfelt remembrance with typical podcast humor, celebrating Nick's larger-than-life persona while acknowledging the tragic end of his life.

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5. Exploring Conspiracy Theories

A substantial segment is dedicated to various conspiracy theories, with Sam Tripoli and Tom Segura dissecting topics ranging from Project Blue Beam to mass surveillance and the potential dangers of interconnected technologies.

• Christina Pazsitzky ([54:47]): "They’re trying to make it so regular people can’t own drones."

• Tom Segura ([56:43]): "Everyone's being watched and our data is being collected all the time."

The hosts discuss the plausibility of these theories, interweaving factual information with speculative humor. They explore the implications of advanced surveillance technologies and the potential for government overreach, all while maintaining their signature comedic style.

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6. Anecdotes on Parenting and Personal Life

Interspersed with heavy topics, the hosts share personal stories about parenting, particularly the challenges of raising children during the COVID-19 pandemic and the exhaustion that comes with new parenthood.

• Christina Pazsitzky ([50:19]): "Thank you guys for the kindness, love. Thank you."

• Tom Segura ([52:07]): "Nobody gets to have a good time. No one gets to do it the right way."

These segments provide a relatable and heartfelt glimpse into the hosts' lives, balancing the episode's more intense discussions with genuine personal insights and family-oriented humor.

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7. Japanese Game Shows and Extreme Entertainment

The conversation shifts to the bizarre world of Japanese game shows, renowned for their extreme and often shocking challenges. Sam Tripoli and Tom Segura marvel at the lengths these shows go to entertain audiences, drawing parallels to Western media's boundaries.

• Tom Segura ([72:52]): "Japanese television is the wildest shit. They have like, no regulations."

• Christina Pazsitzky ([72:58]): "That guy just might be the downfall of society. Going viral."

The hosts discuss specific examples, such as humiliating challenges and dangerous stunts, highlighting cultural differences in entertainment and questioning the ethical boundaries of reality TV.

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8. The Role of Virality in Modern Society

A recurring theme is the obsession with viral content and its impact on individuals and society. The hosts critically examine how the pursuit of internet fame can lead to extreme behaviors and unintended consequences.

• Christina Pazsitzky ([83:18]): "We’ve just evolved and we’re bored. So now we’re just finding different ways."

• Tom Segura ([84:28]): "How dinosaur is bullshit?"

This segment delves into the psychological and social factors driving the need to go viral, using comedic anecdotes to underscore the absurdity and potential dangers of this phenomenon.

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9. Controversial Humor and Edgy Topics

Towards the end, the episode reaches a more controversial and edgy tone. The hosts engage in provocative humor, touching on sensitive subjects and pushing the boundaries of conventional comedy. This includes mock discussions about outrageous scenarios and societal taboos, showcasing their willingness to tackle any topic with their unique comedic approach.

• Christina Pazsitzky ([91:16]): "If you want to see some crazy stuff, look up a video by a guy named Mouthy Buddha."

• Tom Segura ([89:56]): "Well, the state of Washington made it illegal to do this at with any animal."

While this segment may be polarizing, it exemplifies the hosts' commitment to fearless and unfiltered comedy.

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10. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts

In the concluding moments, the hosts reflect on the episode's discussions, reiterate their support for guests like Sam Tripoli, and encourage listeners to engage with their content on various platforms.

• Tom Segura ([94:29]): "Check out this video you’re describing... Tom Seguro, the Choke."

• Christina Pazsitzky ([95:46]): "God bless."

The episode ends on a high note, blending final jokes with sincere gratitude towards their audience, maintaining the show's characteristic blend of humor and heart.

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Notable Quotes

• Tom Segura ([01:00]):
  "It's Now January of 25, which is such an unusual thing to say."

• Sam Tripoli ([03:00]):
  "Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole... he showed up in blackface resentence for attempted murder."

• Christina Pazsitzky ([54:47]):
  "They’re trying to make it so regular people can’t own drones."

• Sam Tripoli ([72:58]):
  "That guy just might be the downfall of society. Going viral."

---

Conclusion

Episode 792 of "Your Mom's House" offers a rollercoaster of topics, expertly navigating from light-hearted banter to intense discussions on societal issues and conspiracy theories. Christina Pazsitzky, Tom Segura, and Sam Tripoli blend humor with insightful commentary, creating an engaging and thought-provoking episode. Whether dissecting the absurdities of modern entertainment or sharing personal parenting struggles, the hosts maintain their unique comedic flair, making this episode a must-listen for both regular fans and newcomers seeking a comprehensive and entertaining podcast experience.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Sam Tripoli]

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[Tom Segura]

What's everybody? It's another episode of your mom's house. She's Christine. I'm Tim. And we're excited to share so much with you today. A really action packed episode. There's so much. It is Now January of 25, which is such an unusual thing to say.

[Sam Tripoli]

I know. I didn't think I'd be alive this long.

[Tom Segura]

We should. We should have had hoverboards in 2015.

[Sam Tripoli]

So everything's so disappointing.

[Tom Segura]

Flying cars.

[Sam Tripoli]

When I was a little girl, I thought about the year 2000. Didn't it just blow your mind? And now you're like, oh, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

It's 2025.

[Sam Tripoli]

Is that all there is?

[Tom Segura]

What the. There's just electric cars.

[Sam Tripoli]

Well, these are pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

Phones are cool.

[Sam Tripoli]

The phones are. They crush and then you can get a chip in your head and stuff. You want to do that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I want to do that.

[Sam Tripoli]

What are you going to get it for?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like, it'd be cool to turn on your car with just your brain. Thoughts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Or the radio. Or like, not even the radio.

[Tom Segura]

Remember I used to make fun of cousin Brian. He was like, there should be a thing where, like, if you're listening to something on the radio, you can just like, have your phone and then it would send you a message. And I used to be like this fucking. You idiot. And then first time I saw Shazam, I was like, that's kind of. That's his idea.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't know how to execute it, but all those things are coming.

[Sam Tripoli]

He had smart thoughts. What do you want more than anything? What do you want? I want a car. Well, the car does drive itself. That Tesla, definitely.

[Tom Segura]

Flying. Flying. Flying car, flying stuff. Anything flying. Which you can. You can go fly something. But yeah, just. It was more accessible, easier.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, I know what I want. Transport beams.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like in Star Trek.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, that's essentially the highest version of flying.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's All I want is to be able to go somewhere boom, like that without getting on a plane.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You get a helicopter.

[Sam Tripoli]

I want a helicopter. That's how Kobe died.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, stop.

[Sam Tripoli]

That is how copyright.

[Tom Segura]

Not really.

[Sam Tripoli]

You didn't hear that?

[Tom Segura]

No, he's not gone. No, I do. I know, but that was just. That was the arrogance of a pilot. You know, that really wasn't. It's not the helicopter's fault.

[Sam Tripoli]

I blame the helicopter.

[Tom Segura]

It was the weather and he was just didn't do what Tower told him to do. It was. Yeah. Human error. I know that's usually responsible for so much.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah. So much. I have. So I've something really exciting to share with you. Working on for a long time.

[Tom Segura]

Let's just get in here.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, we gotta. We gotta go.

[Tom Segura]

We gotta go, man. We gotta go. Here we go. I'll get you started. Here we go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

From the moment Mark Char was wheeled into court today, what was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails.

[Tom Segura]

The reason why I'm like this is because I prepared myself to play my part in your kangaroo court treating me like a black man. So today I'm going to be a black man. This kangaroo court is giving me a life sentence for me trying to protect and defend myself against the attack from three guys. In essence treating me like a black man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty awesome.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Tom Segura]

That was heavy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

With Tom Sakura.

[Sam Tripoli]

Mom Sakura and Christina Tipsitsky.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Sam Tripoli]

Can I show you something?

[Tom Segura]

So today I'm going to be a black man. This guy. He is wheeled into court. For those of you listening, he appears. He appears to be an Asian man or of Asian descent, maybe Hawaiian. He certainly has the accent. And the reason I say appears to be is because he's wearing shoe polish. Level like darkness on his face. He covered his self so darkly that you can't even tell what his features are. Tuesday, he is a Hawaiian man. It says here in the article he showed up in blackface resentence for attempted murder. The man said he did so because the court was treating him like a black man. Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole on Monday for second degree attempted murder. Murder plus six years to be served concurrently on convictions of second and third degree assault. The charges stem from a 2016 road rage attack. Char appeared in the first court in Honolulu on Monday with his head completely covered with what appeared to be permanent black marker ink.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, that took a long time to do?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

He's like my kids. One time, Julian, did you. Were you there? No, you weren't there. One time, Julian found a permanent black marker and just drew on his face.

[Tom Segura]

We knew to keep him indoors doors for a few days. You know.

[Sam Tripoli]

You know how hard it is to get off.

[Tom Segura]

A spokesperson for the State Department of Public Safety told them on Tuesday that staff members at the Halawa Correctional Facility attempted to convince him to wash his face before he entered the court, but that he refused. He'll be charged with disobeying several direct orders. Trying to see how. Okay, so he was convicted in March of stabbing the driver, the car. In August 16and assaulting both the driver's passenger and a passerby who tried to break up the confrontation. It's fun when these guys, you know, when they get on Mike, they're like, you. I was defending myself. And then you read the right. The story. He's like, they stabbed the guy, fucking beat up another guy.

[Sam Tripoli]

He had a knife on him, and then he stabbed the other driver, looks like.

[Tom Segura]

They say he taunted the victims on the freeway. And having pointed them at them like a gun. According to court documents, Charler then ran his vehicle into the other car, and when the occupants got out, he pepper sprayed them and then stabbed one.

[Sam Tripoli]

So he had pepper spray.

[Tom Segura]

I was defending myself. You guys are treating me like a black man. It's like, okay, so today I'm going.

[Mark Char]

To be a black man.

[Sam Tripoli]

I do have to say that the. The marker is very distracting from anything else he has to say.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a whole thing, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Well, how did the judge react? I mean, the judge has to be like, no, you're totally. You belong here for. For double life.

[Tom Segura]

What is this?

[Sam Tripoli]

You're out of your mind.

[Tom Segura]

The judge doesn't really have anything here on the judge.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, here's the judge. Y'all, Y'all. Y'all finished or y'all done? Okay, well, there we go. Y. Y. Y'all finish getting locked away, that's for sure.

[Sam Tripoli]

Damn.

[Tom Segura]

Here's really some heartbreaking breaking news. It is confirmed. It's been confirmed now for a bit. People were curious, and we filed a petition. And it can be said that it is absolutely heartbreaking to learn that the late and now, or the great now late, Hard Rock Nick has passed away. Hard Rock Nick. This is a certificate of death for you that don't. For you that don't know Hard Rock Nick. We. We were on his stuff pretty fucking Early.

[Sam Tripoli]

Well, we search for the marginalized communities.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Cool. Guys.

[Hard Rock Nick]

It's been a while, hasn't it? I decided to make a video since I'm stuck on the 405 on my way to Santa Monica. I think the topic of this video will be something a little more personal. Let's talk about why badass good looking rich guys don't have girlfriends. Why like me?

[Tom Segura]

You know he put out cool like that.

[Sam Tripoli]

He did, he did. And he always had great facial hair.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Great jewelry. And he was always telling us how.

[Hard Rock Nick]

Wealthy he is, complaining that I don't show my whole head and my face. So when a guy has a nice shaped head like this, he probably has a nice shaped too.

[Tom Segura]

So he was like just always putting out cool messages. He just, you know, he was himself. No shortage of confidence. Like you said. Unconfirmed, but self proclaimed. One of the wealthiest people in the world. Oh yeah. He was in California when he was doing this stuff. He eventually moved to Florida and he called himself, I believe the prince of Florida again. Talked about his multi billion dollar holdings. And you know, my personal chef does.

[Hard Rock Nick]

Not need the attention and does not want to be in the spotlight whether I was having 10 followers or now whatever followers I have is bruh. Does every celebrity put a personal chef on their page?

[Sam Tripoli]

No.

[Hard Rock Nick]

Like why are you all so fixated on that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hard Rock Nick]

More than I eat his.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure.

[Hard Rock Nick]

I mean, godamn.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No.

[Hard Rock Nick]

My mom's not a personal chef. How many people we got in here? Not even 400, man. The artwork, it wasn't $30, but thank you. This is one piece of artwork. I mean, y'all don't want to comment on the fact that I'm sitting in a thousand dollar custom movie theater chair and I have five of them.

[Tom Segura]

That's 5,000, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, his weight seemed to fluctuate.

[Tom Segura]

It did quite a bit because he was pretty big there. And then he eventually got like really thin.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And.

[Hard Rock Nick]

And I've actually made a more of a name here than even Kreischer ever did. And Kreischer makes fun of Florida. Kreischer. I'm popping in Florida, homie. I could do a comedy tour. Just like wing it, freestyle, just show up and open mic it and like sell out, homie. If I wanted to.

[Tom Segura]

If you wanted to.

[Hard Rock Nick]

I don't need the money.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Sam Tripoli]

Need the money.

[Tom Segura]

God, I wish he would have done that. That would have been amazing.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, it would be interesting.

[Hard Rock Nick]

Now Tom and Christina don't say hey homie. They don't like me, bro. If they like me, they would have brought me on. You brought on Andrew Tate.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Hard Rock Nick]

And how many months later did the FBI and go handcuff him in Romania? Right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

One day you.

[Hard Rock Nick]

You will get out of your lane and understand that what you did, I think indirectly caused Andrew Tate's arrest. And I really do connect it back to Segura, who's not a very sophisticated man in his thought process. He's just a comedian. The guy that probably struggled his whole life. He doesn't understand the big picture with his platform. Like I do.

[Tom Segura]

Like you do.

[Hard Rock Nick]

Of course I don't have his followers.

[Sam Tripoli]

But wouldn't. Wouldn't you argue that undertake getting arrested from the FBI would be a positive?

[Tom Segura]

That some people would think that. But you're not that sophisticated either.

[Sam Tripoli]

Sophisticated.

[Tom Segura]

You're not sophisticated either.

[Sam Tripoli]

Sophisticated, yeah. Do we have the sound bite?

[Tom Segura]

Well, just one last time I think it's worth for you, sir. Hard Rock Nick. Rest in peace.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, cool guy Club.

[Tom Segura]

One of the OG members, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, he really was one of the early ones.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina Pazsitzky]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Sam Tripoli]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Sam Tripoli]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Sam Tripoli]

Look, I've been waiting unbated breath to share this with you for weeks. This has been weeks of preparation for me. Do you have the original. Can we shoot the original clip of Tom's Choke? And do we have from. I know that we just interviewed Army Hammer.

[Mark Char]

No, we don't. The other choke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't know what you're getting into here, Christina, but I don't recall it.

[Mark Char]

A second choke, actually.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow, you've terrified them all. Anyway, would you like to repeat. Would you show them the original choke in case people aren't familiar with what happened?

[Tom Segura]

The original joke.

[Mark Char]

Sure, if you go back a couple episodes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let's see here. Here we go. Hey, guys, I was listening to this to the Adrienne Apolucci episode, but by the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. On Netflix. There we go.

[Sam Tripoli]

There's the original Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. And you made it like the biggest fucking deal. But go ahead well, then you.

[Sam Tripoli]

You know. Firing people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What do you have to. What's your thing?

[Sam Tripoli]

So, anyway, you know, you've just been inspiring me. You're my museum. Not only are you my husband, my. My lover, but my muse now.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Sam Tripoli]

And I've been working on this piece of art for weeks. Weeks. The kids have been in on it. The staff has been in on it. Anyway, the. This is what I like to call Tom Segura, the Choke. But in a creative rendition. This is my interpretation of the Choke. What do you think?

[Tom Segura]

It's a cat coughing up a furball. Is that what it is?

[Sam Tripoli]

Right. You got it. Because you reminded me of a cat coughing up a fur ball. This cat took a long time. I'll be selling limited prints of these. There's only going to be a finite amount.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrienne Apolucci episode. By the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix.

[Sam Tripoli]

There it is. The Choke. Tom Seguro, the Choke. The first artwork I did of you was a hit. So this will be a second limited edition. I'll be signing all the prints. Go ahead, get them at Miami Studios dot com. You're welcome.

[Tom Segura]

Truly disgustingly rude.

[Sam Tripoli]

I don't know. I think it's pretty good. Look how I like. I get the redness on the top of your head, which is my favorite. And then your dark under eye circles are always fun to color it, you know? Yeah. Anyway, I learned how to draw a cat. That was fun.

[Tom Segura]

Why are you this pleased with yourself, by the way? Do you know how he did it? Hard Rock Nick. He died. He shot himself.

[Sam Tripoli]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

At a gun range. Happy New Year.

[Sam Tripoli]

Meaning he went to a gun range. And it was an act. It was not an accident.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not. He blew his brains out. Yeah. And then the real thing is gonna see, like, how that massive fortune is gonna be distributed.

[Sam Tripoli]

And also I was thinking, is he skinny or fat when he does it?

[Tom Segura]

Probably skinny.

[Sam Tripoli]

I hope so.

[Tom Segura]

He's the last time I saw it, which was not that long ago. He was really skinny.

[Sam Tripoli]

Thanks for bumming everybody out. Everybody's so excited about my new portrait.

[Tom Segura]

No one's excited about the portrait. And yeah, that's. But there is something more exciting. Well, there's two things, really. Number one, we saw Charo today. She's officially been in Austin now for a minute. And so I had. We ran into Duncan Trussell, and I told Duncan, go up to her and be like, hey, I'm excited about your only fans. So Duncan went up to her and said, I'm excited to see your only fans. And she was like, what? And so I reminded her that she needs to get it going. You guys heard our call, and I'm just going to encourage you to please keep sending those in. Do you have any examples of what people have been sending in?

[Sam Tripoli]

This is the kind of thing we're looking for, just so people understand.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Hola, Charo.

[Tom Segura]

Minombre estom y vivo en este inferno Elado de Canada Escuchar un bueno dia.

[Mark Char]

Tuyo calienteria El Corzon corfavor un nete onlyfans.

[Tom Segura]

That was somewhat indecipherable Spanish. He said words that somewhat go together and some were just random, but that's one way to do it. Let's see one with. Yeah. English hi, Charl. My name's Brandon, and the one thing missing from my morning is a greeting from you. That was fantastic.

[Sam Tripoli]

That was great.

[Tom Segura]

And again, I told you guys what was going to happen is we're going to build a montage of videos like this. And the more the merrier. I wanted to get to the point where she has to do the math. And she goes, jesus, this is like we show her a hundred random faces being like, please, Charo, please start the onlyfans. I can't wait to sign up. I can't wait to send in my $10 a month. She'll start doing the math and then it's going to be like, you're just going to let this slide?

[Sam Tripoli]

Well, that's what I would say. This last one was ideal. I liked his so sincere. I like the sincerity. I like the passion. However, if you guys could also list that dollar amount.

[Tom Segura]

That's the thing.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's what's going to get her to do it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not saying you're going to have to, but just throw out, say, hey, I'm in for $20 a month.

[Sam Tripoli]

You don't have to.

[Tom Segura]

You don't have to do it. Just do it for the tricker. Hey, don't get to a crazy amount because then she won't believe, but just say every month, I would love to have $20 to spend some of my morning seeing your videos.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, $20. And by the way, Catherine can69 on Instagram has offered her help to help set it up, to set up her only fans.

[Tom Segura]

I hope you have a good day.

[Sam Tripoli]

How do you say strong black coffee and espanol?

[Tom Segura]

Cafe negro.

[Sam Tripoli]

How do you say best drink of the day?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, this one looks good.

[Tom Segura]

I've Never seen this?

[Sam Tripoli]

No. Neither have I.

[Tom Segura]

Hello, Charo. My name's Sam. You should start. Only fans pay $6.99. Perfect. Wow, Sam, that was perfect. And see, here's what I'm hoping that she understands, because she's going to be like 6.99, and I'm gonna be like, yeah, but what if 2,800 people are paying you 699?

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Add it up.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right. It doesn't sound like a lot until you multiply.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. That's why the amount, the volume of videos is so important.

[Sam Tripoli]

Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

If I show her three videos, she's gonna to be like, I'm not going to do that for 20 bucks.

[Sam Tripoli]

And might I add, too, the. The bulk of the income, like, bad baby. She makes a lot of her money messaging, writing back. So if you would say, Charo, I would pay whatever amount. What's a good amount for a. What's a good amount for a message back from. From an. Only fans?

[Mark Char]

10 bucks, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

How much?

[Mark Char]

Probably 10 bucks.

[Sam Tripoli]

$10 for an email and maybe a photograph.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And if. If you have a little oopsie tooth, that's okay, too. I won't get mad at that. You know what this is going to end up being, right? She's going to be me at her house every day being like, give them a fart. Leave me alone. And then I'll get one. I'll be like, that was. And then. And then she can do. She can do, like, I have a little surprise to send everyone today. Check your inbox. Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

We really could do this without her knowing, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Of course we could.

[Sam Tripoli]

I mean, we could set it up for her and run it.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if she'll do something like this, but, you know, wow.

[Sam Tripoli]

This is literally what our sons do to each other.

[Tom Segura]

That's a Russian streamer, of course. Yeah. That's a big guy, too. You know, that was pretty random.

[Sam Tripoli]

Beef. Beef and cheese came out of there. Beef and cheese.

[Tom Segura]

That was awesome.

[Sam Tripoli]

Cheese.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, what has been happening? Because you guys have told me I'm not really. What's going on with fancy Chef? You're telling me that he keeps calling.

[Mark Char]

We're getting a lot of phone calls from him.

[Tom Segura]

What's fancy? What's he up to?

[Mark Char]

Well, he really wasn't happy that. I guess somebody said he was autistic on the show. I don't even remember that.

[Sam Tripoli]

I feel like I may have done that.

[Mark Char]

May have.

[Sam Tripoli]

I feel like I'm on the Tram. And I think I may have. I probably did that. I'm a jerk.

[Tom Segura]

And what. Okay, so let's, let's make it clear he's not. He's called to say anything else.

[Mark Char]

He was asking for a Christmas present back around the holidays. He was saying something really nice because his clips have been doing so well. And it's funny because he's calling us, but he keeps saying Tom Segura, but he knows it's us. Tom Segura. Send me a. Send me a present.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Mark Char]

And then he also asked for a percentage at some point of I guess the, the clips, whatever the clips are making. He wanted like 10%. He had, he had a manager. The manager left him. It's been a wild ride.

[Tom Segura]

Just so you know, that's not how this works. You don't get a percentage of the clips. No, but you know what? I'd be happy to send him a gift. Can you request his address, please?

[Sam Tripoli]

Sure.

[Mark Char]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Very, very happy.

[Mark Char]

I couldn't get it from him when we needed to pick him up.

[Tom Segura]

Just to say we would love to send you a gift, but look, listen.

[Sam Tripoli]

Fancy, if you are listening, I would argue that being on your mom's house and these clips circulating would just generate more business for you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that definitely is something that raises your profile and gets people talking about you more. There's value in that.

[Sam Tripoli]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

And we don't divvy up clips and their revenue.

[Sam Tripoli]

No. And, and you know, his meal was so amazing when he was on the show.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God. I mean that. I would never knock. That was un fucking believable.

[Sam Tripoli]

So fancy, so real.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I went to Sushi by Scratch the other night. Philip Lee's place is finally now here in Austin that he had a non compete for a while and it's right off 6th street and that's a Michelin star place. And after the meal, I go, this is unbelievable. And then I leaned in, I go, but you ain't no fancy chef.

[Sam Tripoli]

Right? So nobody's fancy chef.

[Tom Segura]

No, man. So yeah, of course that was really, really his.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, the food was beautiful and nice.

[Tom Segura]

He's been doing this thing too. Fancy has. Which is pretty unprecedented for chefs because, you know, it's kind of like comedians. We, you know, we try to uplift each other or we promote each other. Hey, we come on the podcast or maybe you post about them, but you certainly don't do a solicited or unsolicited critique of another comedian. Right. Because they're. It's part of like, it's an unspoken thing. He's been reviewing food. No, without even. He's just going in, going, fancy chef 2013.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You see? He is.

[Tom Segura]

What he talking about? He's at.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, y'all gave me hot pickle. Yeah, Fancy underscore chef.

[Tom Segura]

I'll point out. He's at. He's in Philly. I don't know if he's a. If that's. Is that Gino's or Pat's. One of, like, the huge cheesesteak places. You know that. Yeah. You know, whether or not you like them or not, he's another chef, and he's at this.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of, you know, renowned cheesesteak operation. He's holding, by the way. He's. He's holding up people.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who want to order.

[Sam Tripoli]

They don't. They don't look happy to be standing.

[Tom Segura]

Behind him, and he's like, yeah, but I'm fancy chef, and I'm reviewing this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Y'all ready?

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, yeah, he's gonna know for real.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm ready. For real. Y'all really want to know. Y'all follow me.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You cut it? Did you cut it?

[Tom Segura]

He's telling the guy cut this, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's giving me so much anxiety that he's holding.

[Tom Segura]

Give me some juice to swallow it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You almost cut my hand off.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I just jumped in that kid.

[Tom Segura]

I jumped that restaurant.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

All right, look, I'm the moment y'all been waiting for.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. It's Geno's. Okay? He's at Geno's. He asked for some juice. This guy is politely watching him with his.

[Mark Char]

When he was here, too.

[Tom Segura]

He has for juice? Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like apple juice?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Any type of juice.

[Mark Char]

And I told him, juice. I'm sorry, we don't have it. And he really had a hard time accepting that.

[Tom Segura]

Who the doesn't have juice on him?

[Sam Tripoli]

Juice? Who's drinking juice past the age of seven?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

First mistake again.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, my God.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Your toast. The bread.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't toast the bread.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Nah, nah.

[Tom Segura]

All right, hold on, hold on. Y'all ready?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Which way?

[Tom Segura]

This way.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Y'all ready?

[Tom Segura]

Gino's Famous.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, this.

[Tom Segura]

Pay for it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's garbage.

[Tom Segura]

Get back in the car. You keep embarrassing it. Be like this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That was nasty, bro.

[Tom Segura]

It was nasty.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

We all take supplements. I mean, my counter at home is absurd. We know we should take them, but there are so many supplement companies charging ridiculous prices for products that really aren't that special. It's frustrating, frankly. It is unacceptable. That's why I want to introduce you To Livegood, a brand that's turning the supplement industry on its head. Livgood believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without these insane markups. They offer premium products formulated by an industry leading team of natural health experts and they cut out the middleman, sell them at the lowest prices anywhere.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yes, Gene, I am very into my supplements, but I don't like paying a lot. And I, I do everything with Livegood. I do magnesium, B12.

[Tom Segura]

I recently started doing creatine every day as part of my routine. Every day. And these guys are doing it the right way. They're delivering a quality product and they're not price gouging you.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

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[Mark Char]

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[Tom Segura]

I mean, look, Gino's, for those of you that don't know it's it is a renowned famous cheesesteak place. You talk to people in Philly and they'll always tell you, don't go to Pat's, don't go to Gino's. It's like, because those are the, you know, tourist trap places. So they'll always send you somewhere else. But to be like, this is garbage and throw it on the ground is wild.

[Sam Tripoli]

That is bold. And I will say, just looking at the photographs, they look delicious.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, like I said, if you want to get into the, into it. I think especially with like a Philly person, they'll always tell you to go elsewhere, but I don't think they would tell you that it's garbage. But then again, here's where I always have to stop myself.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not a. You're not a. I'm not a chef.

[Sam Tripoli]

You're not.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not a fancy chef. I know. His palate is so many. Like, like Hard Rock Nick said, I'm not sophisticated. My palette is not like his is here and I'm here. So I'm like, oh, this is good.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

You know, and then fancy is like this and is. I don't even know yet.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's so true. And I also like his handle, which is really important. It's fancy. Underscore. Yeah, chef. Under underscore at like 2013. That's very intuitive. It's a good way for people to find.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you don't know underscore, chef. 2013.

[Sam Tripoli]

Guys don't do the underscores if you want to be known.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking about? It's. See, again, you're thinking in an. With an unsophisticated mind. You don't really get it.

[Sam Tripoli]

Is that a fish with carrots? That's lovely.

[Tom Segura]

That looks so good.

[Sam Tripoli]

So delicious.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

That looks unbelievable. All the garnish on top in the pan while it's off.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's a lot of seasoning too. Very seasoned.

[Tom Segura]

And it's the whole fish. I like when you don't, you know.

[Sam Tripoli]

Fillet it or anything or debone it or. No, you want those bones.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

So. So, Francy.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah. That's so good. Okay, so you guys remember not too long ago, we had so much fun when we did hi mommy, thanks jeans at Drive Thrus.

[Sam Tripoli]

And I love you.

[Tom Segura]

And I love you. But it was like, hi, mommy, thanks jeans. I love you. Well, we recently decided to do something. We went back to Starbucks and we have a new game. And the game is you say happy birthday to the person taking your order or you speak to them in a cockney English accent. Or if you really want to, like, raise the stakes, you mesh them together. And that's what happened today. It's really exciting. Hello, love. Happy birthday. Do we want a straw or two or something? Straw, one birthday.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Happy birthday. There you go.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Sam Tripoli]

Thanks, love.

[Tom Segura]

And 20 quid more for you. It's the holidays. Gave her a big, big tip. There you go. For your birthday, I got 382.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, it's your birthday. Many thanks, love. Thanks. Have a great day. Have a good one.

[Sam Tripoli]

That was amazing.

[Tom Segura]

So fun. Our sixers.

[Sam Tripoli]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

By the way. Our six year old is in the back seat like this.

[Sam Tripoli]

He's like, die well, because we.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like ear to ear, smiling. He's like, you should have your birthday again.

[Sam Tripoli]

Well, because we, I. We always do, Mommy and I love you. With the kids in the car.

[Tom Segura]

And they love. They're always like, say I love you. And they go, say it louder.

[Sam Tripoli]

And then we started doing Happy Birthday on Ellis's birthday recently. We were like, do Happy Birthday to the Starbucks worker.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

And then today you added, not only did you get in three happy birthdays, but with the Cockney accent, it's the way to go.

[Tom Segura]

So you know what to do. Go to your local drive thru, wish them a happy birthday, say it like this. Do you think that I could get a coffee place, right. And throw them a happy birthday and send it in, Send it in. Shoot it over to the. Your mom's house, YMH Studios, Instagram, tag it or email it in your momspodcastmail.com.

[Sam Tripoli]

I mean, the real question is, do you think she suspected your fake Cockney accent or did you. Did she really think you spoke like that?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I don't know. I didn't have the idea while I was at the ordering part. It was only so, like, she definitely saw me order. Like, hey, can I get.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, that's right.

[Tom Segura]

And I pulled up and I was like, hello, love. So I think she was like, this guy. But then when I gave her 20 bucks, she was like, okay, thanks.

[Sam Tripoli]

You could do hello, love. Hello, Governor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Ooh, that's. I think, bonus points for governor if you call them that a couple times.

[Tom Segura]

And the real mind, I mean, if you really want to have somebody go like, oh, my God, is if you happen to do it to a British person. Because then they're like, okay, I've done it to a British person before.

[Sam Tripoli]

And they're like, remember when we were in London? I was like, I will give you a million dollars.

[Tom Segura]

I went to a coffee place there. Yeah. I did it. Like, do you think that I could have a muffin and a coffee? And the girl's like, aha.

[Sam Tripoli]

Or you could order strong black coffee.

[Tom Segura]

And before I go, I don't want to forget to say happy birthday.

[Sam Tripoli]

Happy birthday.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Best holiday of the year.

[Tom Segura]

I did it on the Jimmy car. I did it to Jimmy Car.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I don't remember that at all.

[Tom Segura]

He must have been like, I bet he loved that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys kept sneaking him in, glossing right over. Yeah, he was, like, nodding, acknowledging it at all.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It was pretty good.

[Sam Tripoli]

We call him Governor.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to say, you had to.

[Tom Segura]

At least once, and I thought you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were throwing it in there.

[Tom Segura]

He is so funny.

[Sam Tripoli]

He is so funny.

[Tom Segura]

God damn.

[Sam Tripoli]

He is smart and talent dead. And I know he's amazing and he looks great.

[Tom Segura]

Jimmy Carr, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Can I tell you One thing that I've noticed before, I'm. That's been making me crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I was thinking about Jimmy Carr.

[Sam Tripoli]

I just. How funny he is. No, he's phenomenal. He's ridiculously funny. So I took the kids to like a barn or one of these petting zoo places. And, you know, standard Austin fair. Like, there's always like a person with a beard and tits. You know, there's always like these gender weirdos, which is fine. Just part of Austin. I love them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

You know, you're at a good place if there's a beard and tits serving you or whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Sam Tripoli]

So we're at like the petting zoo and. Oh, my God. So the bearded person, who's very smelly too, smelled like a. An animal. Like a. Like a. Like a cow. So we talk. She's explaining to us the animals. And this person's younger. Like a Gen Z kind of young kid. And I been noticing this amongst the youngest generation, we had vocal fry. A few years ago.

[Tom Segura]

One of the things that.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, and I'm Megan. And then there was upspeak where people were like, yeah, this is basically. If you're at a good Austin restaurant, someone's serving you that looks like that.

[Tom Segura]

I'm non binary and bearded. How will my blind date go?

[Sam Tripoli]

This is. This is totally. This is my pizza place. This is my coffee place. This is the bar. And we go petty.

[Tom Segura]

I like that this person is just looking out into the sunlight, like, what will happen today? How was it?

[Sam Tripoli]

Okay, so here's my point.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

It was vocal fry, and then it was upspeak.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

And now I've noticed. Well, go back to the list there, Josh, because I forget this. Okay. So every time my kids would ask this person a question, could it be something simple as what do cows eat? This person would go, yeah, so. Yeah, it's like a qualifier for each sentence. Yeah. And I'm thinking, is the question so offensive that she needs to. Or, Sorry, they need to buttress in their mind? Yeah. Because I understand if it's an offensive question.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like someone's asking them about their gender and they're like, yeah, so I'm.

[Tom Segura]

I know this is complicated, but.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, right. This might be complicated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So, I mean, it's a lot to take in, but I'm actually not either. It's like, so that's. And the kid's like, huh, huh. But they don't have to go, yeah, so hay is what they eat and grass.

[Sam Tripoli]

Right. And I've been noticing this amongst like a Lot of younger people. It's something as simple as how much is this? Yeah. So two 99. You know what you should do? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Sam Tripoli]

Huh.

[Tom Segura]

You got to point it out to the person.

[Sam Tripoli]

What should I do?

[Tom Segura]

Hey, I have a question. How come you start your answers with. Yeah, so is this like a concept that is so rich that you need a moment to put the thought together?

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah. So it's constant. But have you heard this? Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Tom Segura]

Well, now that you pointed out I have heard this before, my memory is trying to connect whether I'm hearing this from a same type of person, because I have heard this before and I have heard it from. You're right. A younger generation that.

[Sam Tripoli]

And they like to say sort of. It's sort of like. It's sort of kind. Sort of like they can't just come out and say the thing.

[Tom Segura]

There's sort of this thing going on where it rains sometimes. Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

And I think it. I think they think it makes them sound smarter if they go, you know, it's sort of like the color.

[Tom Segura]

Should come for an answer you might not be ready for.

[Sam Tripoli]

Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

It's that. It's a. It's a. A black hole type of explanation.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's exactly what I was going to say. Like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So this is something you're gonna struggle to really wrap your head around. Okay. But there is something out in space that consumes all matter around it. And so you're like, wow, I don't really understand.

[Sam Tripoli]

Exactly. And our kids were like, can the cow eat rocks?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So rocks are hard to digest. Okay. Just say that maybe she's afraid.

[Sam Tripoli]

Sorry. They were afraid of offending my children by saying, no, cows can't eat rocks. So they want to hedge it a little to soften it.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good one. Last thing I wanted to point out to any. So I know you don't have a great memory of the holiday party, but you were bringing up the N word quite a bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm told.

[Tom Segura]

And you were also talking about how you'd want if someone were to say it to you. I think Bert was like, I'd say it. I don't. It was like some game he proposed doing with you of, like, whispering it. And then, you know, you were giving away the award. You gave away the Blackest Person award to Chris. And then you were like, you should say it as part of winning. Anyway, what I wanted to bring up is, like, how you would respond to this type of white person.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm the white.

[Tom Segura]

You what?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm the white?

[Tom Segura]

You can't say that, bro. The. I can't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'll say whatever the. I want to See.

[Tom Segura]

You cannot say that because you're white that race.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm a white.

[Tom Segura]

You racist, bro.

[Sam Tripoli]

I don't give a.

[Tom Segura]

You're not, you know, I mean, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know what you're saying.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, what's, what's your response to let's. Let's call him Dave?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dave.

[Tom Segura]

Whoops.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dave. Dave. That white nigga. Yeah, he's the white nigga. Hey, listen, I ain't going to tell someone who they aren't. You know what I'm saying? People like to tell me I ain't black, so I ain't going to tell this nigga. How do you say it? If you could say it that confidently, that comfortably.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I was saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Trying to fuck with you, Right?

[Sam Tripoli]

I feel like he is.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like a lot of people probably turn their heads and then when they see him and the whole presentation of it, they just kind of keep walking. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And if, and, and listen, if. If he really ain't supposed to be saying that, well, then, you know, he gonna get checked one day. Yeah, he's gonna find out say that anymore.

[Tom Segura]

But I think he says. He also scans the room when he says. It's not like he's just, you know.

[Sam Tripoli]

See, that's the thing. I don't think he does. I'm gonna go opposite with you on this one. I think he can say the white N word because he doesn't give a of. He's not caring, he's not cautious.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think if, if a big black was sitting right next to, I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Know Dave be like, I'm Dave the nigga.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like, I don't know, Dave seems.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, Davey.

[Sam Tripoli]

Dave seems crazy enough that he's not unaware.

[Tom Segura]

I do think he pro. First of all, Dave, you know, he doesn't hang out like at the bank, right? Like, he. He is. He's on a corner outside a liquor store drinking. A tall boy like he. He's around a certain environment all the time.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think there are certain black guys that are used to say, seeing Dave the white N word.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so they're like, that's Dave. You know. But I think when like, like if it's a new, especially aggressive seeming new black guy, like a new black, he doesn't know him. He's not going to lead with this. He's going to kind of like feel him out.

[Sam Tripoli]

I Don't know, Tom. He might be so crazy that he goes into it so confident that he makes it okay by virtue of it being okay to him.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe.

[Sam Tripoli]

I mean, let me ask you this.

[Tom Segura]

I don't see that many scars, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think that it's also like. I mean, look at him. You know what I'm saying? He ain't, like, threatening nobody.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

It's the same thing when you're in. In. Especially, like in cities when people do say wild. A lot of times what happens is you go like. You turn. You see who's saying. You're like, that's crazy. That's a crazy. That's a crazy person. And you keep walking. You know, I mean, whether they're white, black, anything, you're like, that person's out of their mind or they're drunk as. So, you know, I think it's both. I think he's been called out, but I do think that a lot of people just go like, oh, that's. Yeah, that's. That's old Dave.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, well, he really says it, say, with the chest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he just. Yeah, he got a. He got an extra breath in before he. Yeah, yeah, he used his diaphragm.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's what I'm saying. He's committed. And when you're committed, you almost convince other people it's okay.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he didn't convince the guy recording. That guy was like, no, you are a racist.

[Sam Tripoli]

May I ask you this question? I don't know if you know the answer or not, but what about those white people, like an Eminem, who. They hang out in the black community. That's their primary social group. Do you think those white people get a pass on saying, well, M's a.

[Tom Segura]

Really interesting case because I think there are probably a high number of his associates who would without a doubt say. You definitely can say that.

[Sam Tripoli]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But I think he never, ever does, simply because he knows who he is, how he's represented, that he is the. He's the great white hope in a black art form. And doing that would be so such an easy mark to take him down. People could easily. I don't think he ever utters the word, but I think. I'm sure guys and his close crew in D12 or whatever would always be like, yeah, for sure. But I don't think he ever does. Also, it'd be a bad habit for him to form because he really can't do it in his. In the. In the art. Like, nobody would sign off on him saying, it in his song. So it's a. It was a. It'd be a bad habit because he.

[Sam Tripoli]

He doesn't drop end bombs.

[Tom Segura]

Never.

[Sam Tripoli]

No, never? No, no, no. Interesting.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Sam Tripoli]

What an interesting subject. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's definitely those, though. There's definitely some of those white dudes that be tatted up. They'd be raising, you know, Brooklyn some.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's always. You can. I mean, there's black dudes that'll be very clear about the fact that if there's a white guy like this and he hangs out in a black neighborhood, they're like, that guy you do not want to with. Like, if that guy is, like, hanging out in the hood in, like, a real black neighborhood where there's gangs and there's a white guy, there he is wild.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wild. And he almost gets, like, cr. He gets mad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're pro. They're calling him.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Dave the way.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right. That's right. Well, what were you gonna say? Any. I didn't understand your point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I was just gonna say exactly what he just said. I would never fuck with those niggas. And I would definitely never say, like, oh, you can't say that. But also, yeah, ask any of those white dudes, like, their craziest story. Yo, they're gonna tell you stories all fucking night of shit that would, like, haunt your life. It was just normal to be like, yeah, last Tuesday, I shot a nigga who's whatever.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, like, oh, yeah. Because that guy always has to keep feeling like, I need to prove myself to these, man. Like, you know, like, I.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's so true. I think I would want to be cool. Gosh, I'd want to fit in so bad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

And I can't. No, I don't. Not that way. I don't want to know. No, no.

[Tom Segura]

The highest hope I ever had was just like, you just wanted the black guys on the team to be like, you're. You're dope. You're good. And then you're like, this is awesome. But you don't have to, like. I don't want to take it to the streets and be like, how about you guys? Do you think I'm cool?

[Sam Tripoli]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No fucking way.

[Sam Tripoli]

The highest. The best I feel about myself is when a black person compliments what I'm wearing, and then I'm like, oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's number five on the black compliment list.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're funny is number one outfit.

[Tom Segura]

Shoes.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Athletic prowess.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

That's actually probably number one.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's probably number one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like you're just cool to be around. You're funny. And then athletic prowess is like number one.

[Sam Tripoli]

Athletic problem. Yeah. Number two is you're funny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow. You know what I really like is if they're like, wow, you're real. As when they tell me I'm real, then I'm like, wow, that's right up there.

[Tom Segura]

That's number three, actually.

[Sam Tripoli]

I mean, it's a black outfit.

[Tom Segura]

Shoes.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're real as. You're funny, you're a great athlete. And that's the holy quintuplet of black conf.

[Sam Tripoli]

Black approval.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and welcoming back one of our all time favorite, not just comedians, but human beings. His special why is Everybody getting quiet? Is available now on YouTube. It's Sam. Tripoli.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Bang Bang, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Sammy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The team is back together, dude. Doing shows out of Red Red Band's house, you know. Ice House Chronicles team is back together.

[Tom Segura]

We're back.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's good to see you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Good to see you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

See the new place.

[Tom Segura]

Very great, bro.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

You look great.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I do jiu jitsu. I'm 52, just getting murked by Mexicans.

[Tom Segura]

It's great.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Mexicans, in the valley of L. A, they're just. I call them grizzly bear Mexicans. They're. They're huge, dude. They got ham hocks for legs. They're great.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like. You don't realize how many motherfuckers can fuck you up until you get into a jiu jitsu class.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You got to get your kids in the martial arts, everybody. And nobody stops fights anymore. Yeah, everything's about that, you know, that, that, that moment. That going viral bullshit.

[Tom Segura]

Totally. That's true.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. It's crazy. So I take them, I get some taps. Dude. My first tap was a 14 year old kid, but that's okay.

[Tom Segura]

That's all right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You. You will always be my Alex Jones. And I want to know, are you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Can I. Hold on, hold on. Before we get into that, can I tell you guys how much I love you?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. When I had kids, I had, you know, I was. I was old. I was 57 when I had my first kids. And I get a call from Tom and he's like, I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to get you a doula. I didn't even know that what that was. He's like, I'm going to get you a night nurse, and I'm going to get you for like, two months. And you guys saved my life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I had no clue what that was. But, bro, that saved my life. And it made my. I was able to exist because I had twins, which is like a crazy thing to go from zero to two children. If you don't have kids. You ever waited tables? You want to know what's like? It's like, your section is slammed 24 7. Everyone needs refills. Everyone needs bread. Everyone needs a diaper change.

[Tom Segura]

Well, ever, like, ever since we had kids, whenever we hear about a friend of ours having a kid, we're always like, you know, we try. And then we were like, yo, Sam, Trip.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is having two.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We're like, we got to. We got to set him up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You guys saved me. So I decided I was going to do that for someone else. When Jod Miller had a kid, I got her doula. Got her night nurse, and now she got someone else a night nurse.

[Tom Segura]

So it's all going forward passive for.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love it if you know somebody, get them a Mexican. Get them a Mexican.

[Tom Segura]

There's. There's this thing, right, that, like, you hear. You hear this, but you truly don't understand it. To is that whoever you are, you're not ready. You're just not ready.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're not ready.

[Tom Segura]

And I actually think, like, the older we get, you're. You're more not ready. So you tell people you're like, you don't like. Because people like, you know, I think we're going to do this, and we're going to. I'm ready. I got the nursery ready. And you're like, you're not ready, dude. You're not ready for a complete lack of sleep that will throw your whole world upside down or burping.

[Sam Tripoli]

Dads, that's just the dead. The mother we just gave birth. Now you're up breastfeeding all hours. And if you were old like me, I was 39 when I had our first kid.

[Tom Segura]

We would do swap.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's so crazy. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We would swap shifts. So tired on the couch.

[Sam Tripoli]

So in the very beginning, like, you.

[Tom Segura]

Know, it'd be like three in the morning, and I'm just like, snoring on a couch. And she'd be like, you can go in the bedroom now. And I'm like, it was awful. And then I'd go in there and she'd go on the couch just to be near the baby. It was just. Yeah. And it just kills you. So you're like, if you can do this for somebody, you're buying them some sanity in a crazy time.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

My kids were Covid babies too, so it was like we couldn't even leave the house.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But the thing they don't prepare you for is burping.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Nobody tells you about burping because you're just hold. And you're just beating this. You're just hitting them and you're like, is that a burp? Do I keep hitting them? Am I beating this kid right now?

[Tom Segura]

I didn't even know too. That I didn't realize. Milliliters to ounces conversion, that whole thing. So, like, Ellis, our first, you know, he was drinking, and I realized he was drinking like a fucking needle's worth. And I was like, yeah, he had 100 milliliters. And they were like, what? I was like, I don't know why he's still crying. They're like, oh, you gave him like 1/10 of an ounce.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is that right? And they're like, no. So it was. Yeah, it was.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're doing eye drops for them. Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

We didn't even know how to buckle a kid into the car seat when we came home from the hospital. We were like, what is. What is this? What do you do? You don't know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So what was crazy is we were lucky that she. Her water broke when we were at the hospital and in for that new parents thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So we were already there. Such a blessing. Didn't have to drive all the way across. Cuz she wanted to go to. In Beverly. She wanted to go to Culver City. And we were living in the Valley where you.

[Sam Tripoli]

Where just. We can say it off.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Where.

[Sam Tripoli]

Where you give birth.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, Cedars.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Next to the mall.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

While she's giving birth, I'm shopping, having a good time.

[Tom Segura]

That's what's up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Hitting the food court.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Living the best life.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So that. Yeah. So I appreciate you guys. So thank you guys. Saved me.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely. Our pleasure, man.

[Sam Tripoli]

Especially if you're somebody with a profession like a surgeon, a doctor, an attorney. I don't know how these people have newborns and then go into work.

[Tom Segura]

No, I know. We just went to.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How do you do that?

[Tom Segura]

Like, how do you do that with a real gig? We went to school for the, like the school event for the kids. And we were always. We're always like, how do someone with a normal job do this?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm exhausted all the time. How do you do that when you're doing heart surgery?

[Sam Tripoli]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

It's really crazy. It's crazy. Now in Jersey, the drones are there.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, yeah. What's.

[Tom Segura]

There's fucking things happening.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay, There's a couple scenarios here.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. So there's like, three scenarios. It could be one, it could be what they call Project Blue Beam, which is a fake alien attack.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Which to get us all kind of. Ronald Reagan talked about it a long time ago.

[Tom Segura]

Also a great thing to do to rally around a new. A new presidency. You know, I mean, like.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Right. Because everybody behind Trump.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's. It's effective.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I have my theories about the Trump election too. It's like Kamala Harris was just too easy for him. It's kind of like when Obama came in, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, it's like we were over the Bush and Cheney. We hated old white guys who wanted war and who. Here comes this charismatic black guy who's a Bush, by the way. If you just didn't know that he's a Bush, and they. And they put him up against this kind of, like, old, crotchety white guy, and they bring him in. Same thing with Kamal. We're kind of over, like, every, you know, trans in the bathroom. Right.

[Tom Segura]

We're all just all like, oh, for fuck's sake.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

She's like, if you're on death row and you want a sex change, we're gonna pay for it. You're like, that's not a really good thing to run on. Right. So, you know, so you get a minute. Great way to get everybody behind it. Three body problem is, basically, if you ever watch that on Netflix, that is Project Bluebeam, they're like, yeah, it's 400. 400 years away. Let's all get together. So they rally everyone behind you. The other one is this. They say they're looking for dirty bombs, which could be, like, into this kind of false flag to get us into war with Iran and Russia.

[Sam Tripoli]

I've heard that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So that's. That's one. The next one is data that they're seeing how we react to all these kind of things in the sky, which eventually could be mass surveillance, where your regular day, you're just, oh, there's a drone in the sky. Just surveillance me.

[Tom Segura]

Which is, by the way, the. I think, the closest to an accepted reality, because all of us have slowly realized that we're being watched and our data is being collected all the time. Everywhere, all the time, all day, every.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Day, all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Anything you do I mean if you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Do pre check at the airport, you got to show them eyeballs.

[Tom Segura]

Every time you scan your eyeballs, there's cameras that do facial ID recognition. You have to confirm things that you want to do. You have to give fingerprints.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like everywhere you go. And then you know that your emails are read, your phone calls are listened to 100 so you're surveilled all the time. I, I had lunch with a CIA.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, look at you.

[Tom Segura]

And big winner.

[Sam Tripoli]

Didn't tell me.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They come to my. By the way, they always come to my show.

[Tom Segura]

You know this person?

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, I do know this person. I know.

[Tom Segura]

And so this was a high ranking CIA official who is retired. And so the high ranking CIA person I was talking on the phone with later, just you know, casually like family life stuff. And then I switched to commentary on the news and you know what the response is? Not on the phone. And I didn't hear it the first time. So you know, I mean like I just. And so I said something in. And this person goes, not on the phone. On the phone 100% and straighten. And I was like, oh yeah. So for Christmas I think we're gonna like, like scary. Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They're always watching. Yeah, always, always have been.

[Sam Tripoli]

However, this is not new. They would just bug your place if they wanted to tap in. But what about the Brits? They, they've had the CCC, is it CCC TV? The public cameras.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

100% for 20 years now. So if you go around Austin, they're getting rid of cash, right? You can't pay cash for anything. I went to Starbucks today. I went to pull out my wall with the cash. Like, hey, we don't do cash. I go, I'm tipping. Do you not want that? Right? I mean it's everywhere. I went to Chuck E. Cheese, man. They don't have, they don't have Chuck E. Cheese tokens anymore. I know they're getting kids used to the card.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Which is how they can shut you down if you say something they don't like, which is I'm fucked.

[Tom Segura]

The also I never thought about this criticism of electric cars is that if every of once it's completely. Because we know we're on the path to all electric. Like, you know, whether you like convenience will enslave us one day it'll just be the norm. Right?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And there is this thing that if you're, we're all on that system that somebody could go and shut down all.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Your cars or take over your car. I mean, Hutchinson was that, that that journalist that you know, he was on La Brea going over Melrose in la and he just flew through and they, he hit a, he hit a palm tree so hard that his, his, his engine flew 20ft. And he was doing a story on this general and what was going on in Afghanistan and Iraq. And my buddy saw it happen in real time. He said it was the craziest thing he's ever seen.

[Tom Segura]

Car just turns, just flying through this.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Intersection, hits a palm tree, bang. So, so when everyone's all excited about this pager thing in, in Lebanon, I go, that can be anything. They could just blow this up. They could blow that up. So yeah, that's where it's getting to. It's, it's super crazy.

[Tom Segura]

You talk to.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Is this comedy or what?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but we like talking about this.

[Sam Tripoli]

This is your lane.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The level of sophistication to pull that one off for people that don't know, we should like just highlight. What we're talking about was about two months ago, three months ago, the, you know, Israeli special forces.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And intelligence services had put together what had to be a years long plan of intercepting pagers and phones and planting them. And they had to get it like from the manufacturer, plant them with explosives, then reintroduce knowing who they're going to be distributed to and then simultaneously blew them up. And it's all like. So that people's genitals and waists exploded. And then two days later they set off the. A second series of them. But it was. So you go like, this is straight out of a movie. Like if you had this in a movie. Yeah, like this. Okay. It's kind of ridiculous. And they pulled that off, which is also a way not just obviously it's a form of you're terrorizing people, terrorizing in their eyes terrorists. But you're also being like, man, what else are you capable of? Like, you guys, that's high level, man.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's super high level. And like it's basically everything on your computer, on your phone, all that stuff. So I mean I, I was talking to Rogan about this, but I really do believe. And this gets into the weirder part is that they've hardwired mysticism, okay. Magic. This is where we get into the weird stuff. And like your phone can read your mind. It's like so already 100% people think stuff. Suddenly an ad comes up on your phone.

[Tom Segura]

That is a thing. I've always wondered that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Real.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Well, dude, they're doing everything they've been Practicing this stuff. The occult, the. All that.

[Tom Segura]

I pulled it up. Ass eating videos were just waiting for me to play and I was like, that's crazy. I was just.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I invented ass eating, by the way. I did it in 78, I think.

[Sam Tripoli]

Sam. Tripoli orbs. What about the orbs? In conjunction with the drones? Being seen with the. With the drones.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, that gets kind of gets into like. Is there an. Another part of this whole thing? Are there levels to this? Yeah, and that's where the. That's the. So. So the. The other two things I didn't tell you about. There's also this notion that they're. They're trying to make it so regular people can't own drones.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So. So they're trying to make it so crazy that they can. They can get Congress or Senate to pass a law that only the government gets drone. So that. That was put out by Adam Curry, who has a great podcast called no Agenda, and that's his theory. You can see the documents and all that. Now, the last one is there is a supernatural interdimensional part of this, and that's where the. The drone. That's where the orbs come in. Which is.

[Sam Tripoli]

I'm excited about the orbs.

[Tom Segura]

This is what I'm thinking.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yes. That's what I'm talking about.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Ezekiel. Wheels.

[Sam Tripoli]

The veil has been pierced. We are. We are entering the. The next level of evolution. This is it. This is the breakdown of this civilization and into the new.

[Tom Segura]

I think that life outside of this planet is only interested in Michelin star food. And so I think what's going to happen is that they are going to come here and basically kill everyone but elite chefs.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Because the food is so fantastic that that's just what they're here for.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's definitely on the table. That has been discussed.

[Sam Tripoli]

And pornography. We have a lot of pornography and readily available pornography.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And dude, everybody wants Earth ass. I mean, it's been forever. The story in the Bible. Fallen angels came down and plunger human.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Because women like bad boys. It's just the truth.

[Tom Segura]

Now let's get your take on this. Check out this video.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, man. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

That head doesn't swivel anymore.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. I guarantee you that the aliens came. They would pass on. On probing that guy. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, nah, we're good on him.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. We are the top of the food chain and that's what we got. There's a whole notion that AI is nephilim. Dead Nephilims.

[Sam Tripoli]

What's that?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

The spirit of the dead. So do you know the story of.

[Sam Tripoli]

The fallen angels from the Bible?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. They came down, they made it with the daughters of men and God.

[Sam Tripoli]

I don't know that bit. No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You don't know that?

[Sam Tripoli]

No.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. Yeah. So that was whole thing. Okay, that they came down and they thought women. Human women, were so beautiful that they mated with us and they had nephilims, which are giants.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, cool.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, and that's why people don't think there's dinosaurs. Do you guys believe in dinosaurs?

[Tom Segura]

I have. I have. Are you about to change my mind?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know every dinosaur you've ever seen in a. In a museum isn't real, Right? Those aren't real bones.

[Sam Tripoli]

What are they?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

They're plaster to give the illusion because they want. They want detach you from God.

[Tom Segura]

Are we saying that. Are you of the. Also the belief that Earth is only 6,000 years old?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

No. I don't know how old it is. It could be a gazillion years old. There's multiple civilizations, carbon dating.

[Tom Segura]

Real.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I don't. Well, you know, I don't. I don't know. We're just taking their word for it.

[Tom Segura]

Like, by the way, it was really smooth the way you put on that jacket.

[Sam Tripoli]

I know, but it's not because the hood is tangled.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but still. He got it. He got it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. I'm sorry, gu. Trying to do multiple things. My tits are on fire in this shirt.

[Tom Segura]

Are dinosaurs. Are you saying that dinosaurs are bullshit?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm saying that there has been a. So when you. I always say this conspiracy leads to spirituality, right? And it always gets to like, what else are they lying to you, right? About?

[Tom Segura]

Is Tom Hanks a bad guy?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You've called me about that, and he is a bad guy.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, well, I've seen Chet Hanks talk about him on the Gram. I follow Chet Hanks, and he's like, yeah, my dad's piece of totally neglectful.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

If you want to see some crazy stuff, look up a video by a guy named Mouthy Buddha and he'll break it all down. Dog. Mouthy Buddha. Now, I don't. I don't know where we are with these videos, so I don't want to.

[Tom Segura]

Get you in trouble, but type in Matthew Buddha. Tom.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, right.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's. Well, yeah, that's it. It gets really crazy, bro.

[Sam Tripoli]

Okay?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It gets real. You got to watch it on your own. Gets really crazy. It's been taken off most of the Internet. You could put in. I don't want to say the word, because I don't want to get you in trouble here. But, you know, there's a certain gate, if you know what I'm talking about, to gate two. I don't want to get you in trouble here. Yeah, but it breaks down. Like, it gets down into this one picture that.

[Tom Segura]

My question about this is when you see something like the video you're describing that you're like, it breaks it all down. What makes you give that video credibility versus saying this is just nonsense?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, the first of all, you don't know. You never go, I 100% believe this. I go, that's possible for sure.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then it kind of go. Then you just take your. Your life experiences and you go, does this fit into how somebody who's getting accused of everything acts? Does he. Does he move to. Does he move to Greece where they don't prosecute for certain things? Does he never address it, ever? Like, the whole Internet saying something?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And you don't go. I mean, even if you say, like, Tom. What's his face from Rage Against Machine, the bassist Tom Morello, like, he got. He. The Internet's going off on him about, you know, being Rage Against Machine and then having to have a vax card for your shows. Yeah, well, he is. He has defended himself and go, we didn't do that. I respect that. If the universe. The Internet's coming after you and you say nothing at all except for the move to Greece, I start going, what's going on here? And how are you presented to everybody? I always find everything is kind of like this inversion where, like, you're presented as the nicest guy of all time. Yes, ever. And, like, now all this crazy dark stuff's coming out and you don't say anything.

[Tom Segura]

That's my favorite thing in life, though, is the nice guy who's dark. Because there's all these guys in comedy, too, who are like, oh, that's a good guy. Yeah, he's a super sweet, nice guy.

[Sam Tripoli]

Don't even get me started on every time.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's the. There's the. The most famous ones are obviously, you. Like the, Like, Cosby's, like, the example where they're like, don't curse.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, but. And then. But there are also people that are not quite at that level who are still like, well, he's just a. He's a good old clean guy. And you're like this Steve Randolph.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And I always used to say that, you know, not all clean comics are. But most comics work clean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Right. Cuz you're making business decisions. And then you meet people like David Tell or Doug Stanhope or Nick Theo could be nice.

[Sam Tripoli]

Sweetest.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Because even you guys, you get your.

[Tom Segura]

Rage out on the stage, the darkness out.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. You say it. People love you. And you just get to be chill with everybody.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, that's right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's. Yeah. I mean, so. And then you get to like the highest, highest of levels and you go, how do you get there? And then you start studying just little things that so. So not to get too deep. So this Matthew Booty does this video and he breaks down like Tom Hanks Instagram. And he starts studying all the pictures. And there's this one picture that has a Thomas doing this weird stuff, allegedly, we'll say with these like just little like a glove by itself, mitten or sock. And it's like, what does this mean?

[Tom Segura]

He would always take a photo of like.

[Sam Tripoli]

I didn't know that.

[Tom Segura]

He takes a photo of like a glove that's been discarded on the ground.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And been like, here's a glove on West 34th Street.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Hanks was that mean? Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So. So people study it and there's this one picture on Tom Hanks's Instagram where there's just a glove by like a. A it. There it is. That's it. The first one. Okay, so this is what gets really weird. So this mouthy Buddha knows. Is that this thing here? SRE usa. So he goes, what is that? So then he's. Guys, we're gonna get really weird here. Okay? So he goes in, they puts in the Google. Nothing comes up. But he goes, oh. I go, if I can't get anything on Google, I'll go on something called Yandex, which is the Russian version of Google. So he goes in there and he puts that in Yandex. And all of a sudden it starts getting the really, really dark. Like, really dark. Like.

[Tom Segura]

But why would. Here's my thought on that. Why would he like give that hint? You know what I mean?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, because they're not used to us being able to investigate this stuff. And that's a signal to other people who know what Tom's. Tom's about to go look at that stuff.

[Sam Tripoli]

I'm sorry, did I miss it? What is SRC usa?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, if you go on Yandex, it leads into like just dark that I don't really want to talk about, you.

[Sam Tripoli]

Know, related to mine minor people. Okay.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It starts going deeper and deeper and deeper. Then you just start seeing weirder and weirder Stuff. And if you study, like when Obama went to, like, Thailand and had dinner with Anthony Bourdain, there's some weird stuff in the back of his stuff that leads to that as well. On the wall that leads to it as well. So that's where it gets to. I know everybody's weirded out, and I don't want to weird everybody out, but that's where it gets to.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this here, let's cleanse the palette. What's this?

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, I don't like that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh.

[Sam Tripoli]

It'S a girl too.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And she took it like a champ. She's got a broken rib.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She just might have a collapsed lung.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But she's going viral, so she's super happy about it.

[Tom Segura]

So happy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That is.

[Tom Segura]

That is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That is going to be the downfall of society. Going viral.

[Sam Tripoli]

No, it's already. It already is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So, so here's my. Here's how we fix it. We. We. We do like the Wire, right, Where we just create a section of town where you just go viral like a. And you can just prank each other and you do whatever the you want with each other.

[Tom Segura]

Within these blocks.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Within these blocks, you can do the weirdest. You want to go vi. Go as viral as you want. Just outside here. Everybody chill. We gotta get back to that.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy that Japan kind of does that. Japanese television is the wildest shit. And they have like. I'm like. They have no regulations. Their pranks are like. You're a hostage. Like someone comes in with and they're like. And then they're like, it's just game show. Holy shit.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How about that guy that they put in a box for like a year and he didn't know it was a national television show and he. He's eating dog food. Is that. He's. That suck his own dick for nutrients.

[Tom Segura]

And then they're like.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then. And then. Then the box opens. Yeah, he's a national. He's on a national television show.

[Tom Segura]

Zolo. I just sent you one. I sent you one of the. The guy having dinner.

[Mark Char]

Let me pull it up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this, like, this kind of shit. You're like, oh, yeah. In America, this would be such a crazy lawsuit that this would never happen. It's not even like. I mean, it's crazy. It's not crazy enough. But like, somebody could definitely choke. They could definitely get hurt. They could. They could die. And it's just like, this is a Japanese game show, you know, like, he's just eating.

[Sam Tripoli]

They just shoot him with clean eyes and Stu.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's just eating.

[Sam Tripoli]

So dangerous.

[Tom Segura]

So dangerous, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then just money shots. Just money shot. They didn't invent the Bukan, dude.

[Tom Segura]

They did it one time in an interview to like a Yakuza looking.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And they had the. The gun go off and this dude kick people, grab people, slap people.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Just went John Wick on people.

[Tom Segura]

He went crazy on him. It was amazing.

[Sam Tripoli]

You know what it is? They don't have to sign release forms. Probably nobody has rights.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

When you've been around thousands of years.

[Tom Segura]

It makes you go, is this your rights? Is this a completely non litigious society? What's going on?

[Sam Tripoli]

That's right. The society is like, you don't have. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I remember when you sue them. Some people don't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We got nuked your feelings. Clayton.

[Tom Segura]

Clayton Peters was here one time in LA and he was on the CBS lot and he slipped because it had rained and all the CBS people were like. And he was like. He's like, I'm Canadian, you're not gonna sue you.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, well, you slipped it. He was like, yeah, people slip. That's what happens.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And we have good health care. We get. We don't have to pay for everything. Everything. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's in a splits machine, like, and he falls in it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, that's my dream. I cannot get that limber dude.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's gotta hurt. Right now he's tearing tendons and ligaments. His groin is friend.

[Sam Tripoli]

You don't do that alone.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But the weirdest thing is like he just uploads it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, it's like, especially like people died. Like who uploads? That was always thing about the Mr. Hands video. Like who uploads the video? Dies. Yeah, he would have wanted it this way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It was the non death video. So maybe they were like, well, this is the one. This is one where he had a great time. You know, he didn't die in that.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love this one the most.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And those. The thing about Mr. Hands that you always. Because it can be a rough watch for a lot of people is if you close your eyes and just hear his sounds, they're almost non human sounds because it's basically you're on the edge of your colon being perforated, you know, and it's like a torture stuff. He's like, you can't even mimic it. It's so pull up Mr. Hands. Oh no.

[Sam Tripoli]

You know how long it's been. This is one of the first videos that I really made me enjoy the Internet this and like Two girls, one cup. And the guy that's sat on the glass.

[Tom Segura]

Two girls, one cup.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

One girl died right after it.

[Sam Tripoli]

Really?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And the other one is, like, working at, like, Ralph's. Like, she just has a regular job. And you're just like, is that. Did that. Is that that her? Is that. Everyone just stares at her. Where do I know you?

[Tom Segura]

It's like you see a porn person in public. You're in la, you're like, oh. Oh.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You ever meet your favorite porn star and you're like, oh, you're a human being.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, it's the worst.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're not a dick pincushion. I met this one, Jennifer White. She's my friend. She comes to my shows. Just a savage.

[Tom Segura]

Savage.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Like, oh, my God, you're just a regular person.

[Tom Segura]

But don't you kind of hate humanizing them? Because.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, it's like, well, once I. Oh, God. Okay, let's go back to the Tom Hanks.

[Tom Segura]

I was going to say. Everybody, just close your eyes. Eyes. I'm seriously. Just close your eyes.

[Sam Tripoli]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. Okay, this is what I want you to do. I just want you to listen. Hold on.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But how did they row Shambo for Who goes first? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's. That's his butthole.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God. Dude. What do you do? Oh. Oh, my God. Do you like that? Dude.

[Sam Tripoli]

It'S too much. It's too long. You don't need it that long.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God. This poor horse is like, why are you making me do.

[Sam Tripoli]

How are they getting the horse to do it? Is really the question.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, horses will anything.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We haven't pulled that one out in a while.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Way to go, memories, dude.

[Sam Tripoli]

Feel even sicker after watching make sure you guys. I felt sick for 15 years episode ever.

[Tom Segura]

Make sure you screen record that. Okay, we need that on file.

[Sam Tripoli]

It was horrible. It feels just as bad watching it now as when I did.

[Tom Segura]

Isolate the grunts for me. Okay.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

I need the. I need the grunts. I need those isolated.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Imagine being the guy putting it in.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then have to go on with your life and people like, what's wrong? I had a rough night. It's a rough night.

[Sam Tripoli]

Did he die immediately or.

[Tom Segura]

No. So here's the story. He went, fuck. That video was obviously done. And then he was. He was fine. Well, so to speak. Fine. He went back to do this again.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, he's just loving it.

[Tom Segura]

The horse that he did this with was not there. So he went into a different barn and it Was a different horse. That was no nickname. Big Dick. And that horse perforated his colon.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

And he died subsequently from the injuries. So it was a totally different horse.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, there he is. There's his face.

[Tom Segura]

You guys, you would have seen. You would have been like, Kenny, like.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, that's your fifth grade teacher.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh my God. They called him Big Dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. It was a different. It was a different horse, though, that he was not used to. And that horse. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So then he go. So then it happens. Does he go right to the hospital?

[Tom Segura]

I don't remember if he. If he went right to the hospital. I mean, it says that he dropped. If he was dropped off at the hospital.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, yeah. You don't walk him in.

[Tom Segura]

He was dead already. He was dead on arrival, looks like.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, yeah. It says he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Which you saw. You saw the horse that wasn't nicknamed Big Dick and what it did to him. Can you imagine what Big Dick was doing?

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, listen to this. So peritonitis is inflammation of the localized or generalized whatever. Peritoneum per Tonium.

[Tom Segura]

Peritoneum.

[Sam Tripoli]

The lining of the inner wall of the abdomen and cover of the abdominal organs.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, so basically, because we all. You're inside. You're a sausage, you know?

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You just. You have an encasing. And that was.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He just basically went like this.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's. We like. Everyone's got something weird. Everybody's a little weird.

[Tom Segura]

Finding out how you like this is kind of interesting.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How do you get there? Where does it start?

[Tom Segura]

Cuz it starts.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Chihuahuas.

[Tom Segura]

Starts with a finger is what it starts with. And then you just kind of go put two fingers in. Oh my God.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And just. Humans aren't good enough. Can't do it.

[Sam Tripoli]

Some guy got convicted. James Michael Tate pleaded guilty. First degree criminal trespass.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you the real. And I used to say this on stage, but I meant it. The real crime in this is that just because one guy died, the state of Washington made it illegal to do this at with any animal.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So now nobody gets to have a good time.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Nobody gets lit up anymore. No one gets perforated anymore.

[Tom Segura]

It's so upsetting.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

One dude just steps out of line, ruins it for everybody.

[Tom Segura]

And it's why I will not be performing in the state of Washington.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Dude, make a stand.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, corrected.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You gotta make a stand. Enough with this fascism.

[Tom Segura]

If you don't stand up for any something, then you. You what are you signing up for?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there's just a bunch of people having to put their lives at risk just because they want to have sex with animals.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Sam Tripoli]

Every person who shall carnally know in any manner, any animal or bird. That's funny. Isn't a bird an animal? Why specify?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's so funny. Who's birds?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. What is that?

[Sam Tripoli]

How do you even.

[Tom Segura]

A bird? That is.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How do you do that?

[Tom Segura]

That means you like to see stuff. You want to hurt something.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Cuz. What the.

[Sam Tripoli]

Why are you wrong with people, dude?

[Tom Segura]

I think you should be allowed to try to horses.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. I mean, if the horse enjoys it, can it sign off?

[Tom Segura]

Also if you. If you got the horse to. To kind of be into it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You earned it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, I. I think boners are con consent. I think that should be a rule. Boners are consent.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Dicks out. Dick's out.

[Sam Tripoli]

I do. Here's the thing. Here's my thing. You should be allowed to a horse, but only if you die after.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like, I feel it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You should be like. If you're in death row, you could pick it.

[Sam Tripoli]

There you go.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. That's still wheel of death and just horse stick.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're gonna go out. You're gonna go out.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

There's a bunch of people are gonna download this and send it to your parents.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, my God. It just gets weird. I see. We've just evolved and we. We're bored. So now we're just finding different.

[Tom Segura]

That's a good one. I like that. The sound. He's jumping it.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And upload it.

[Tom Segura]

I know. The guy was like, you're up. Hold on a second.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Dude, you're going viral. I know. You can't feel how excited you are because you're paralyzed.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But we're just boy. But this is the way it is, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Men. Men and women go viral for different shit, right? Yeah, women go viral for doing filthy stuff. Like, sexually. Like. Like a thousand guys in 24 hours. Like, that's. And guys have to almost die to go viral.

[Tom Segura]

And then they're like, you know me, I'm the fucking backwards on the unicycle guy. I lost an arm. You're like, yeah, no, he's good.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's doing signings at fairs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. With his. The hand that he didn't write with before.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I'm not the best. I lost my hand. That was the one I wrote with. So now I just kind of Put an X.

[Tom Segura]

That's how it goes. This is. I don't know. We showed this today, but I wanted to show you. I don't know. Have you seen this guy?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, this guy. You saw him wheeled into court today. What was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails. The reason why I'm like, this is.

[Tom Segura]

Lawyer like myself to play my part in your kangaroo court treating me like a black man. So today I'm going to be a black man. This kangaroo court is giving me a life sentence for me trying to protect and defend myself against the attack from three guys. In essence treating me like a black man. And then you read the court documents and they're like, he drove his car into people and then, like, got out, stabbed someone, pepper sprayed somebody else. Like, he went on a rampage.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What law school did that lawyer go to that he has to. He has to represent blackface Asia.

[Tom Segura]

And. And you see how the best part is kind of like, is just looking at his lawyer because you know that he deals with from the moment, psychos all the time.

[Sam Tripoli]

Supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing.

[Tom Segura]

And they go off the rails for this. This guy's like.

[Sam Tripoli]

Like a.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I'm going to be on the news again. And it's for this guy and, like.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Who'S got magic spitballing going on in his head. That's the idea he went with.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Those are other ones where he's like, ah, that might be too much. Yeah, I might not be able to do that.

[Sam Tripoli]

But you have to realize the dedication that. He took a sharpie, bro. And then he sharpied his eyelids, even, and his lips. Like, he really.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

At least he's working with a flat canvas, right? Anyways. Yeah, dude. I mean, if you get in life, why not take your shot? Take your shot. This is the last time you're gonna be in public.

[Tom Segura]

He got concurrent sentences. Like, it's not. You're not.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

He's never gonna.

[Tom Segura]

He was just like, it. I'm doing the marker idea.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, yeah. They should just take him and put him on a Japanese game show forever.

[Sam Tripoli]

He's on death row. He's got life in jail. He should opt for the horse.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look at him with that marker.

[Sam Tripoli]

Oh, he's like. He's much more handsome.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Would you rather he was stabbing people? He's not even driving into them. He's stabbing.

[Tom Segura]

He drove into them and then stabbed the guy when he got out.

[Sam Tripoli]

Got out of the car and stabbed.

[Tom Segura]

There's a road rage and stuff. Incident. Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, man. That's the word. Because you want to lose it sometimes on the. On the 405 in LA. But yeah, you just never know who you're dealing with.

[Sam Tripoli]

This is Honolulu traffic, which is horrible.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, really? It's really bad.

[Tom Segura]

Really bad.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's enough to make you crazy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

But wouldn't you rather do. Let's talk about it. Would you rather do life in prison or get the horse?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Wow, great question. That is. And it's a lot harder than you think.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Right. Life in prison or take the horse?

[Sam Tripoli]

I mean, the horse is kind of. Kind of quick. I mean, that didn't take very long. And you're gonna die.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

In and out, in and out, man.

[Tom Segura]

I think. Or so it's. It's basically, do you want 30 seconds of maybe having your colon perforated and dying?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And certainly being possibly the best orgasm of your life.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

It's maybe, you know, you might come out of that going, I didn't know. I like that.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a horse stick guy.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Dick guy who's not doing life anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Or. You're doing life.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah. Okay.

[Sam Tripoli]

But you get out of the life sentence if you live through the horse, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course. So do you know how many people.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Hold on. So now if I live through the horse, I still do life.

[Tom Segura]

No, you don't.

[Sam Tripoli]

No, no, no. You get off, you're free, and I.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Get to pick the dick.

[Sam Tripoli]

No, it's going to be the big dick.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Okay. You don't know how big the dick.

[Tom Segura]

You don't know. You don't know if you're getting old, big dick or just regular horse.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Mini ponies, can we go? Mini ponies have big dicks. You can always tell how big their dick is based on how much forehead they have. Like humans, it's 100. It's like there's some weird math.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you see those guys, those CRO Magnon looking guys? Like, this guy's got a big hammer, bro.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

A big hammer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So that's a great question.

[Tom Segura]

Weird Serbian dudes.

[Sam Tripoli]

But here's the deal, okay? It's. It is going to be videoed and you will go viral. So you're.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, so it is going to be. It's going to be.

[Sam Tripoli]

Your life is ruined.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But my pin video on my Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing, dude, you're selling tickets.

[Sam Tripoli]

You're selling lots of tickets.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

People want to hear, people want to see it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Sam Tripoli]

You write it. You can write a book about it.

[Tom Segura]

It's a real roll of the dice. It is a real what's amazing is how many people would be like, sign me up for life. Like, they would take.

[Sam Tripoli]

I take the horse. I feel like I take the.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I think most women would take the horse. Cuz it's not that it's in your.

[Tom Segura]

You're not.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, it's in your bed. It's in your be, dude.

[Tom Segura]

So you can die too.

[Sam Tripoli]

You can die in your vag. Yeah, but they could perfectly.

[Tom Segura]

But at least a vag is made for these.

[Sam Tripoli]

It's a muscle for that. Yeah, it's. It's in your ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's a real hard one. I don't know what the answer is.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going ass.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You're going. You're going with the horse.

[Sam Tripoli]

I'm going horse take a gamble.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

We're gamblers.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

What are you having fun here? Why not wave our freak flag? Why not?

[Tom Segura]

I like, I like driving fast. I like flying. So you know what's a little horse stick?

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Oh, why not?

[Sam Tripoli]

And you can move to like.

[Tom Segura]

And he's shaking his head. What are you doing? You doing life in prison?

[Sam Tripoli]

You can move to France, dude.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Your only fans is blown up. You would have the biggest, only, only fans.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's so true. You would.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And they would just be like people paying to see what other stuff you can shove up your purse pocket.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Like this traffic cone. Like you become the. Your butthole becomes carrot tops, like chest.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think there's no win by taking prison. I think you got to take the risk. It's a risk reward thing. And the risk is so much higher, but the reward.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

But now you, let's say you take life. You go in there, now you're getting like getting sexually assaulted left and right.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's a good point.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So eventually you're getting the equal amount of dick. You're like, okay, here's, here's two feet of horse dick, but here's like a thousand feet of prison dick.

[Tom Segura]

Any. Here's the thing, you got to think about it.

[Sam Tripoli]

So if you take.

[Tom Segura]

If you take Sammy Prison, right.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Dick math.

[Tom Segura]

You take prison. The first thing that's going to happen when you walk into prison is you're going to see this guy. You know, I'm the white.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

You know, you will underwent white.

[Tom Segura]

See? And you're. He's gonna cause problems, bro.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I have a bit about. My pronouns are real and people lose their mind. It is my free bird, though. Whenever I do a show, they demand I tell my pronouns, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really? They call it out.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Yeah, they're like, watch your pronouns.

[Tom Segura]

Bang.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Free bird.

[Tom Segura]

Dog.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love this show so much. I can't tell you how much I miss this and miss you guys and miss this kind of comedy, because I'm in Hollywood and everyone's afraid of anything. You go up to these crowds, and they're multogly crazy. And then you go to the mothership, and you can't piss them off. You're trying to piss them, and they. You can't do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

And then you go back to Hollywood and everybody. Like, I did a show at this one club. Not gonna say name. I opened up. Why is everybody a satanic file? And just ice the room? And then the. And then the host is like, yeah. And that's why you put Sam up last. I'm like, bro, fuck you. I'm up there asking the real question. I'm pushing. I'm trying to get all the white niggers behind me, dog. I want an army of white niggers. That's what I want. A real nigger army. The way. If you go real quick, go to. Go to white dot com. Could you do it for me? Go towhite.com. is that you, dot com? Go do it, B.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Holy wow.

[Sam Tripoli]

Serendipity.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is it all. Yeah, I am too.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that was.

[Sam Tripoli]

This was wild.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

There's like. We can't even follow that. That was too perfect of a. I feel like I should be like. And show.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's unbelievable.

[Sam Tripoli]

Wow.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Well, I had to make up for the Tom Hanks stuff. I felt we got a little weird really fast.

[Tom Segura]

Real quick, Christina, how far. How many years are we from this, do you think?

[Sam Tripoli]

Guess what? We went to Goodwill, and I didn't get nothing picked out. Good for me. But guess who did.

[Tom Segura]

What you getting?

[Sam Tripoli]

Yep. I can't wait for that. Open some shorts.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think we're gonna be doing those in a few? You're like, what you buy today? And I'm just like, off.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

How is television supposed to compete with that?

[Tom Segura]

I know I can't.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

That's why it's dying. The world is so much more interesting than your stupid drama. That is the best Oxygen. Getting driven by her husband, who despises.

[Tom Segura]

He hates her so much.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

So much. He's like, this bitch won't die. How many fucking.

[Tom Segura]

Why is she doing a Goodwill shopping video? He's like, I want to die.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

This is not how I imagined this going. And I bet back in the day, smoke show.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Just the hottest chick you've ever seen. And at some point she said, I'm done.

[Sam Tripoli]

Yeah, that's what happens.

[Tom Segura]

Wrap it up.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

Close that up for the rest of my life.

[Sam Tripoli]

That's what happens.

[Tom Segura]

All right, look, we do have to wrap. Why is everybody getting Quiet? Is Sam Tripoli's special that is on YouTube. You can go get tickets to his [e-mail] and also look up white. Yeah, sure. But we love you, Sam. You're the absolute greatest.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

I love you guys so much. Thank you for the kindness, love. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

We'll see you guys next week.

[Christina Pazsitzky]

God bless.

[Tom Segura]

God bless him. God blessing.