Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812 - Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Summary4 min read

Podcast Summary: "Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812"

Release Date: May 28, 2025
Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Guest: Jessica Kirson
Platform: Your Mom's House with YMH Studios

1. Introduction and Tour Announcements

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura announcing his upcoming "Come Together" tour in Atlantic City, highlighting two shows at Hard Rock Live at the ETES Arena on June 20 and 21 ([00:00]-[02:14]). Christina and Tom engage in playful banter, expressing excitement and brainstorming ideas for future segments, such as a "worker song" competition to encourage audience participation.

2. The Norman Summerton Update

A significant portion of the episode delves into the bizarre and humorous saga of Norman Summerton, a character embodying exaggerated fetishistic traits. Tom introduces the latest developments regarding Norman's status, noting his release from jail ([02:26]-[10:54]). The hosts describe Norman in colorful detail:

Tom Segura ([08:30]-[10:54]):
"Loser Pig is a masochist... Permanently locked in a steel chastity cage since January 1st of '01."

Christina adds a personal touch, speculating on Norman's next moves post-incarceration, suggesting he might return to familiar local haunts like his bar ([02:57]-[10:08]). The conversation takes a comedic turn as they mock Norman's derogatory features and exaggerated lifestyle choices, leading to exaggerated fantasies about inviting him to their show for comedic effect ([10:15]-[12:44]).

3. Keanu Reeves Scam Awareness

The hosts highlight a distressing yet comedic story about Diane Ringstaff, a 65-year-old woman who fell victim to an online scam purporting to be Keanu Reeves ([23:54]-[44:12]). Tom shares Diane's interactions with the scammer, complete with fabricated audio messages like:

Tom Segura ([24:18]-[27:32]):
"Good morning, my sunshine. Diane... Kisses from your loving Keanu."

Christina and Jessica express both sympathy and humor over Diane's predicament, emphasizing the ease with which technology can be exploited for scams. They predict an increase in such stories as AI becomes more sophisticated, adding a layer of dark humor to the discussion ([36:10]-[48:14]).

4. Denzel Washington and Public Behavior

An incident involving Denzel Washington's altercation with a persistent photographer is dissected humorously ([28:00]-[31:19]). Tom narrates the event where Denzel firmly rebukes the photographer's unwanted advances, while Christina and Jessica fantasize about Denzel responding with comedic violence:

Tom Segura ([29:08]-[31:19]):
"Hey, you're not allowed... I want to punch this guy in the mouth."

The trio debates the appropriateness of public behavior and the comedic potential of such celebrity interactions, blending real events with exaggerated fictional scenarios.

5. Guest Spotlight: Jessica Kirson's New Special

The focus shifts to guest Jessica Kirson, who proudly announces her new Hulu special, "I'm the Man" ([33:14]-[42:44]). Christina and Tom commend Jessica on her comedic prowess and discuss the challenges female comedians face in the industry. Jessica shares her experiences with hate mail and the difficulties in achieving recognition for her unique comedic style:

Jessica Kirson ([33:45]-[43:14]):
"It's been tough to get the industry on board with stuff like that... Some people just don’t know what to do with you."

The conversation highlights the importance of authenticity in comedy and the support female comedians receive from male counterparts like Tom and Bill Burr.

6. Personal Anecdotes and Comedic Banter

Throughout the episode, Christina, Tom, and Jessica engage in lighthearted and often explicit humor, touching on topics like body image, relationships, and personal struggles. They share personal stories, such as Christina's battle with cancer and its impact on her perspective on life, emphasizing themes of resilience and self-acceptance:

Tom Segura ([39:00]-[49:07]):
"Nothing really matters... You have to just try to stay alive."

Jessica opens up about her daughter’s health challenges, blending heartfelt moments with comedic relief, demonstrating the hosts' ability to balance serious topics with humor.

7. Interactive Comedy Bits and Audience Engagement

The trio showcases various comedic clips, often reacting in exaggerated and humorous ways to bizarre or traumatic content. They critique and laugh at unconventional and unsettling videos, such as aggressive public behavior and absurd fetish content, maintaining the show's signature blend of edgy humor and candid conversation:

Tom Segura ([64:45]-[73:30]):
"He does a full Tarzan scream... It feels fake."

Their interactions with the curated videos provide a platform for spontaneous humor and witty commentary, engaging listeners who enjoy their unapologetic and raw comedic style.

8. Closing Remarks and Final Banter

As the episode winds down, the hosts continue their playful exchanges, reinforcing their camaraderie and mutual support. Christina and Jessica commend each other's comedic talents, while Tom encourages listeners to check out Jessica's special on Hulu. The episode concludes with their trademark humorous insults directed at the fictional "Norman Summerton," wrapping up the episode on a lighthearted note:

Christina Pazsitzky ([99:20]-[100:16]):
"Norman Summerton. Big, big Norman Summerton. Calls and cocks."

Notable Quotes:

"Loser Pig is a masochist... Permanently locked in a steel chastity cage since January 1st of '01." – Tom Segura ([08:30])
"Good morning, my sunshine. Diane... Kisses from your loving Keanu." – Tom Segura ([24:18])
"Nothing really matters... You have to just try to stay alive." – Tom Segura ([39:00])
"We are not. Like, you don't broadcast that you're gay. Just... your friends know." – Tom Segura ([22:05])

Conclusion:

Episode 812 of "Your Mom's House" delivers a blend of edgy humor, candid conversations, and personal anecdotes, anchored by guest Jessica Kirson's presence. The hosts tackle a variety of topics ranging from bizarre character updates and online scams to personal struggles and the challenges faced by female comedians. Through their unique comedic lens, Christina, Tom, and Jessica create an engaging and entertaining episode that balances humor with heartfelt moments, staying true to the show's signature style.

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Transcript1,442 lines

[00:00]
Tom Segura
New Jersey. I'll be bringing my come together tour to Atlantic City this June for two shows at Hard Rock Live at ETES arena on Friday, June 20, and Saturday, June 21. Get tickets now at tomskura.com tour well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.
[00:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my gosh.
[00:34]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my gosh.
[00:38]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my gosh.
[00:43]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my gosh.
[00:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my gosh.
[00:51]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my gosh.
[00:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[01:11]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[01:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my God.
[01:17]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[01:47]
Tom Segura
That's not bad.
[01:48]
Christina Pazsitzky
Not bad at all.
[01:49]
Tom Segura
Not bad at all. Unbelievable. Such a classic.
[01:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
Good work.
[01:54]
Tom Segura
We got to put out a call for more songs.
[01:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
I know it's been a while.
[01:58]
Tom Segura
Why don't we do a thing where we do a worker song? Worker. I'm a worker. Where we have, like, a competition or something. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, let's get some song submissions in here, and then let's do a prize for, like, our favorite song.
[02:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's a great idea, Tom.
[02:16]
Tom Segura
You know what I'm saying?
[02:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know what I'm saying?
[02:18]
Tom Segura
You know what I mean?
[02:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
I'm like. You know what I'm saying?
[02:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I'm a worker. Let's get some. Let's get some of those music workers out there to start working.
[02:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hey. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here, but I'm just too excited.
[02:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[02:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
Is that Tony Johns is getting out of jail today.
[02:33]
Tom Segura
Wow. You really jumped all over.
[02:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
I'm just too excited. I'm sorry. There's so much going on in YMH universe right now.
[02:39]
Tom Segura
It's a huge day here. It's a huge day. Tony John's as of this recording is getting out of jail. It's very exciting to see what jail was like, what he's going to do right now. Will he still work as a worker? As in scenes? All that is to be determined still.
[02:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
What I think is most interesting to me is what will be his first stop. Let's put some money on. Yeah, I'm gonna go with his local, like, bar where he knows people.
[03:08]
Tom Segura
I don't know if he's gonna go to the bar. I think he wants to get him a swig. Like an orange swig or something. You know, he's probably gonna get his swig down. Maybe some, like, beef jerky or something. Like. I think it's a 7 11. Stop to refuel. You know, after jail. Food and drinks.
[03:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's. That's true. Yeah, that's a good.
[03:26]
Tom Segura
Maybe go pick up a Hustler or something like that. Penthouse, some, you know, library materials. Library stuff. Yeah, I love the library. I have even bigger news. Let me just play the opening clip, and then we'll just get right into it, because this is.
[03:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
We didn't even open the show.
[03:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah, we haven't opened the show yet.
[03:42]
Jessica Kirson
Don't pull on my tampon string. I would punch you so far across this whole. Goddamn.
[03:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah.
[03:54]
Tom Segura
Don't bring anyone. Mother into this.
[03:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Your mom in the well, welcome.
[04:00]
Jessica Kirson
Welcome to your mom's house with Tom.
[04:03]
Tom Segura
Segura and Christina Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house.
[04:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, no, no.
[04:23]
Tom Segura
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
[04:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
[04:46]
Jessica Kirson
Don't pull on my tampon string.
[04:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
Dude. Who has not felt that way? Oh, dude, so many dudes want to pull on my tampons.
[04:55]
Tom Segura
So many.
[04:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's disgusting.
[04:57]
Tom Segura
Has it always been a thing?
[04:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
Dude, guys love it.
[04:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[05:00]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, but I do remember, like, when I was in junior high school, this one bit. Or like, high school, this one was like, yeah, we. We in the shower, and he pulled out my tampon and he put it, like, in the shower, and then we left it there, and I forgot about. I was like, dude, what the is wrong with you? What's wrong with y' all? I know. I. I keep my tampon stuff so separate from you in your world. You've never experienced it, right?
[05:25]
Tom Segura
No. And you've never said this to me.
[05:27]
Jessica Kirson
Don't pull on my tampon string.
[05:31]
Tom Segura
She's cool. I like her. I like her voice. Like a smoker's voice, you know?
[05:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
So it's kind of moose soupy. It's got some mooses.
[05:37]
Tom Segura
It has moose soup quality to it. Yeah. Awesome.
[05:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
I wonder, like, what the. You guys are doing good.
[05:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[05:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
What do you think her story is? Some guy was with her and she's like, leave it in, dummy.
[05:49]
Tom Segura
Somebody clearly just did it to her. Maybe he was just like, come on, let me get in there. You know? And she was like, no, I'm not sick of that. Stop pulling the string. Yeah. Well, this is a big day. We have. God damn. We have such, like, massive. I just have to. To tell you this way. This is a YMH exclusive. Real quick. I should also just say thank you to everybody who has watched Bad Thoughts on Netflix. I've gotten Thousands of messages and comments from people. Some of you love it, love it. Some of you don't love it. But either way, I gotta tell you, I. I'm thrilled with it. It's a very liberating thing to make something you wanted to make. And you can kind of just go like, yeah, I know some people like it.
[06:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
So people don't pull my tampon string.
[06:47]
Tom Segura
I kind of feel like that. I feel like my tampon strings hanging out. And I'm just telling you, you're still.
[06:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
In the top 10 as of this recording.
[06:53]
Tom Segura
You're still, still, still on there, people. Yeah, it's been, it's been a really fun couple weeks for me. So I just want to say thank you to everybody who watched it and sent me messages. Thank you so much. Okay, here is the crazy update. Okay. Oh, we have for years been wondering what happened to this guy, his pig.
[07:19]
Jessica Kirson
Norman Summerton, in his tit cups.
[07:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
Been in these babies for seven hours now.
[07:25]
Tom Segura
Seven hours.
[07:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Look at these things, eh?
[07:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[07:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
And then it's a long time.
[07:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah. He just, you know, imagine a pig with tits. I love that line.
[07:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, it's time to take them off and have a shower. Pig is starting to stink up the high heavens. So let's get these tit cups off.
[07:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, there's one.
[07:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is not good for your breasts. Let's get the other one off the.
[07:48]
Tom Segura
Wow. Yeah.
[07:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
Imagine a pig with tits.
[07:52]
Tom Segura
That's always stuck with me. And we have asked about him a bunch over the years and then we got the notification that somebody found him. He is on a. A fetish dating site. It's his profile. There is Loser Pig that looks like there's a penis in his mouth.
[08:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. I'm not used to seeing him like that. Yeah, I don't like to think of.
[08:22]
Tom Segura
Him that way, but that's where the pig. That's what the pig's doing there about it says pig to host. Pig resides in Northwest near 64th Aven Center Street.
[08:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Very specific details.
[08:32]
Tom Segura
Here you go. Stupid. Loser Pig Norm Summerton lives to serve, worship and obey superior women since the age of 16. Now 75.
[08:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wow.
[08:42]
Tom Segura
Loser pig is a masochist. Loser Pig is deep into BDSM tattoos. Sporting on its forehead in three inch letters, the word pig. Loser Pig is permanently locked in a steel chastity cage.
[08:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wow.
[08:53]
Tom Segura
Since January 1st or January 20th of 01. And the key holder is Mistress Calicious and is paid a hundred dollars per month. Loser Pig is the owned property of Mistress Corey, to whom takes all of Loser Pig's money every month since 20. January 23rd. At first, it was 200 per month. Over time, it is now all of loser pigs unaccounted for money. Wow. Loser pig is also a free service boy toy to suck, swallow, come and serve as a piss toilet. Pig owners control pig exploiting pig and destroying pig's male ego and turning him into a loser pig man. Yeah.
[09:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is money on the table for any women out there that aren't doing this.
[09:40]
Tom Segura
God, we're always trying to encourage you ladies.
[09:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
Making me crazy. Like, if I had to do this, like, let's say it's Covid.
[09:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[09:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
Got no money. I would do this in a minute. Just put that thing on your cage and send me money. Yeah, put your dick in there.
[09:52]
Tom Segura
Be a pay pig for someone to be your little pay pig.
[09:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hey, I don't like to see that. Your granddad.
[09:58]
Tom Segura
Yep. 75 years old, El Porco. Oh, he's got the full beard here.
[10:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[10:03]
Tom Segura
That's kind of a new look.
[10:05]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[10:06]
Tom Segura
Good job, Norm. Still at it.
[10:07]
Christina Pazsitzky
Look good.
[10:08]
Tom Segura
Wow. Got the big loser hand signal there. He's got a pig snout on.
[10:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hold on a second. We're looking at his dick cage.
[10:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[10:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
Does it go into his urethra?
[10:20]
Tom Segura
Not sure. There's a lot going on there. Trying to not look too hard.
[10:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think that it goes into his hole.
[10:26]
Tom Segura
Oh, that's a kind of. Look how sweet he looks right there.
[10:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
I know.
[10:29]
Tom Segura
That is a sweet grandpa right there.
[10:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Good bra, too.
[10:33]
Tom Segura
Beta pig. Yep, he's got all the tats. Looking good. There's also some new videos.
[10:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[10:49]
Tom Segura
Pig's tits pig.
[10:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
Norman Summerton. Total loser.
[10:54]
Tom Segura
Total loser pig with tits. Stupid, stupid pig. I always, every time I see him, I have to remind myself that this was a lot of people's mortgage brokers.
[11:05]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[11:05]
Tom Segura
And so there's people who see this clip and they go, yeah, I wonder if I got the best rate from this guy.
[11:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yep.
[11:12]
Tom Segura
You know, I signed up 7% for 30 years with this guy. I wonder if I could have been at five and a half if he hadn't been so focused on his pig tits, you know?
[11:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my God, there he is as a civilian. That's before the tattoo. But when do you think he committed to the tattoo?
[11:30]
Tom Segura
Well, he was obviously into the lifestyle probably then he just didn't have his head tattooed.
[11:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
But then he retired, and then he got the. The. But how many people do you think in your world right now are doing this crazy stuff behind closed doors?
[11:43]
Tom Segura
Probably not a lot. Not a lot. Somebody for sure. There's people doing secret.
[11:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I wonder who in our staff is doing it.
[11:52]
Tom Segura
I don't know.
[11:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
Up. That's the sound of pig Norman Simmerton.
[12:08]
Tom Segura
Saying, it is just a stupid beta pig. Daddy, can we go visit Grandpa today? There's somebody doing that. Can we stop by grandpa's house?
[12:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
And here's.
[12:19]
Tom Segura
No, no.
[12:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
Grandpa's doing his own thing.
[12:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he's kind of busy right now.
[12:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
Grandpa's at Bingo Tits.
[12:25]
Tom Segura
Homemade tits.
[12:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Or should I say homegrown tits? You want to. The weirdest thing I have with Norm.
[12:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[12:34]
Christina Pazsitzky
This to me isn't in the slightest creepy for me.
[12:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[12:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
I don't get icky feelings.
[12:42]
Tom Segura
Is it? Cuz he's so open. Like, he's such an open.
[12:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
Maybe it's like such a pure desire within him.
[12:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[12:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
There's no. I don't feel grossed out by now. However, you know, the guy I do feel grossed out by is like, I'll make you come. Like that guy who's watching Rachel Maddow in his glasses.
[12:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[12:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
That makes me want to vomit. But Norm, I just like. There's something innocent about him.
[13:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[13:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
Does that make sense? There's something sweet about Norm.
[13:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I understand. That's something sweet about him.
[13:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's got. He's got the.
[13:17]
Tom Segura
A thong tattoo and he's got a bra tattoo.
[13:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, look how happy. Look how happy he is.
[13:30]
Tom Segura
He's so happy.
[13:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Dude, if this was your dad.
[13:32]
Tom Segura
Oh, oh, oh.
[13:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
I don't want to see that. Hold on now. Now I feel so. I don't want to see dad.
[13:41]
Tom Segura
Wait. Do you still feel the same way?
[13:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
I do like that he's with a younger guy who shaved. Like, I like that for him.
[13:47]
Tom Segura
Vagina. And you're stuck in your mouth.
[13:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wow. Come on.
[13:54]
Jessica Kirson
Stop it.
[13:55]
Tom Segura
Switching up the pace. And your mouth. Try it.
[14:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
I feel like we die. I don't want this.
[14:04]
Tom Segura
9, 18, 36.
[14:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
9, 18 or 36 times. Are you gonna start doing this to me?
[14:10]
Tom Segura
Let's.
[14:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
You're supposed to go, oh, I suck it in.
[14:13]
Jessica Kirson
Stop.
[14:14]
Tom Segura
You contract.
[14:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Stop. I hate it.
[14:18]
Tom Segura
You contract. Vagina.
[14:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
I don't like his sound effects. I got it. Thank you. Stop pulling my tampon.
[14:24]
Tom Segura
36.
[14:27]
Jessica Kirson
Guys.
[14:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
So far, so good. You've really been making me feel good on this.
[14:31]
Tom Segura
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[16:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, we have a specific.
[16:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah, can we, can we try to reach out? Yeah, 100 would love to. I'm open. Just so you know, it's a flying norm here. Maybe hiring a local dom to give him a treat while he's in town.
[16:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think he needs the permission of Mrs. Talley.
[17:00]
Tom Segura
Well, I think we we reach out to. To him. And we say, yeah. We go. We go, can your mistress there provide permission for you to get pissed and beat on here?
[17:08]
Jessica Kirson
Sure.
[17:09]
Tom Segura
And you know, we'd love to have you come by.
[17:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wow, that's. That's. That's daunting. Does he sit in my chair and I move next to you?
[17:17]
Tom Segura
I think it's probably best. Yeah.
[17:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
Do we let him wear T cups?
[17:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah, of course. We. We request hiccups.
[17:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
I can't wait.
[17:25]
Tom Segura
And then you're a lady, so you can be like, hey, hey, pig loser. And he'll be like, yes, Love that.
[17:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, he loves that.
[17:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Then you go, fellate my husband. And then I go over there and, you know, he does his thing and I go. It's just for the bit.
[17:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
Annie. What do you think feels worse?
[17:45]
Tom Segura
I think it's really cool that we're starting with this gay. It's really cool. Didn't even wait. This. This isn't even in the fucking gay folder. It's just. It's just how we start the show. It's really cool. Really a fan. You ever ate your own before? Of course. I mean, you have to try it. What would your taste like? Eat a lot of citrus because I've heard that that makes it taste better. And my boyfriend's a swallower, so I.
[18:11]
Jessica Kirson
Try to put a lot of oranges.
[18:12]
Tom Segura
Grapefruit into my diet so that when it swallows my low deep down, it tastes yummy. Can I taste it? You may any. What? What do you want from me? I just want to know what you thought of that. Hate it. Not a fan. All right, he should stop talking. All right, we'll do another one.
[18:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Any. Hold.
[18:42]
Tom Segura
How you eat him? He's got a great body.
[18:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
He does. They all do. And he. Does it bother you more when the gays are black?
[18:56]
Tom Segura
A lot more.
[18:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
I knew it. No, I sensed that. I sensed it.
[19:01]
Tom Segura
Wait, why do you hate that more? Because it feels like family. They're like they're lost, you know? I want to help them. I want to help them find Jesus, save themselves. It's very upset.
[19:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hold on. I have a question for you. Would you rather you're.
[19:14]
Tom Segura
Oh, no. Oh, no, man.
[19:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
Your dad be one of these fellas here in the video or Norm Summerton?
[19:21]
Tom Segura
What? Wait, what would I rather your dad.
[19:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
Is either Norm Summerton or one of these gentlemen in this video? You have to pick.
[19:28]
Tom Segura
Oh, my dad is either Norm or one of these guys. These. Oh, my God, man. No, neither. You have to pick. That's the same thing. It's not the same thing.
[19:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
One is black and one is white. There's a difference.
[19:42]
Tom Segura
You can't make my dad white. Yeah, the dad's black. But would you rather have your dad wear tit cups and do I'm a piss beta drinking piss drinking beta cuck with Mistress Corgi or whatever? Or would you rather have your dad do little twerk videos with his homeboys? Why do I gotta do this? Why do I? Why do y' all? Why? You know, I work so hard. I know you do. We love you. I put so much stuff together. Okay, all right, all right. He doesn't want to answer. We'll go to the next video.
[20:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think it's the black stuff. Oh. Yo, Brad, Why are you wearing the freaky pants?
[20:13]
Tom Segura
What you talking about? There's a zipper right here, bro.
[20:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
Are you trying to make a move on me? Maybe, but I like it.
[20:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah, well, guess what? I got you a pair of pants. I will quit. I will quit the show before I wear those pants. Yeah, those pants are diabolical. That's crazy. I gave you zipper pants.
[20:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I'm, I'm hung up on the logic of it because the undies are blocking.
[20:47]
Tom Segura
I know. Well, I think he can't post that video. Oh, you know what I mean?
[20:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
If it's informational.
[20:52]
Tom Segura
All right, which is your favorite video so far? My favorite video? Yeah, of the ones we showed him. So thing I, I, I, I going to quit. Like I'm going. It's I'm close, I'm close talking all.
[21:10]
Jessica Kirson
That suck my dick.
[21:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
I wanted to come to his face.
[21:12]
Jessica Kirson
And actually show him how we suck dick.
[21:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know what I mean?
[21:18]
Tom Segura
You know, odd. You know, oddly enough. Oddly enough, this one doesn't bother me as much. Really? Cuz. Cuz it's kind of gangster. I don't know. The way he said it, the way he said it's kind of like. Yeah, like, like I'll suck your dick, but I'm gonna just because I could you up, you know. Okay. So some of the attitude behind it. Okay. Yeah. Like, like I would never talk on this, man. No, this dude right here. If you were like, what's up? You know, you're sweet. He would just punch you in the mouth. Oh my God.
[21:39]
Jessica Kirson
Sweet.
[21:40]
Tom Segura
That's crazy.
[21:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think it's the effeminate. The effeminateness that bothers him.
[21:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
He doesn't like that. Yeah.
[21:47]
Tom Segura
But this dude, this is, this is different, you know?
[21:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[21:50]
Jessica Kirson
Because he show him how we suck dick.
[21:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
Know me. Yeah, that's different. It's more aggressive, like a. Yeah, that.
[21:56]
Tom Segura
Dude'S cool in my book. That's cool, man. It's fine. That's cool. That's my favorite video. There you go. There you go.
[22:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
All right.
[22:01]
Tom Segura
There you go. Yep.
[22:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Like, that's how you should be gay.
[22:04]
Tom Segura
That's strong. Yeah, I like it.
[22:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
I like it, too.
[22:07]
Tom Segura
Cool, man.
[22:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, it's like the straight guy.
[22:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's. That's the thing, too, about talking about. Whatever. Spartans and were gay. Like, not like that, though. They weren't like. Oh, my God. Like, they weren't. Spartans were hard as, bro. Yeah, they would. Your up. That's right. And they'll be. Yeah, Be. Be tough. Yeah. All right. There's the message. That's a good message to put out there.
[22:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I kind of agree because it's like, why. Why can't. If you're gay, like, why do you have to act a certain way, too? Like, why.
[22:34]
Tom Segura
Well, are you a fan of, like.
[22:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Why can't you just be normal?
[22:37]
Tom Segura
Daddy demarco, like, his style was that appealing to you? Appealing is not the word that I would choose, but. But, like, he was like, yo, A, you up? Yeah, Right? I mean. Yeah, like, that's. That's kind of gangster. Like, I mean. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I don't. You don't have to be a girl to be gay. Just. Right. Then just be gay. You're gonna do.
[22:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
Right. You don't have to adopt the whole. The language.
[22:58]
Tom Segura
But I think that just comes with, like, you know, person to person. People are just who they are.
[23:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's true.
[23:03]
Tom Segura
You know, some people just speak a certain way and walk a certain way, and, you know, some people don't. I mean, this dude is. He's not an effeminate guy, but he's still like, y' all suck the. Out your dick, you know? So it's just how.
[23:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's how any would be gay if any had to be gay. I think he would be like that. Like, aggressively, like, angry. Angry gay. That's what I would probably be if I were a man.
[23:23]
Tom Segura
You'd be an angry gay, definitely. I don't think I would be like that.
[23:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
You'd be soft and sweet.
[23:28]
Tom Segura
I'd be a nice guy.
[23:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, you'd be a nice guy.
[23:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah. You know, I did last night a bunch of guys. Yeah.
[23:33]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[23:34]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think you would be the fun gay friend to have.
[23:36]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[23:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
We are not. Like, you don't broadcast that you're gay.
[23:40]
Tom Segura
Right.
[23:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
Just like, your friends know sure, sure.
[23:43]
Tom Segura
I'm out here crushing ass. Yeah. This is a really. A lot of fun. You're going to enjoy this.
[23:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is real wallaby area. Woman is out tens of thousands of.
[23:54]
Jessica Kirson
Dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity. Keanu Reeves.
[24:00]
Christina Pazsitzky
Diane Ringstaff said she was playing Words with Friends when somebody messaged her saying.
[24:03]
Jessica Kirson
He was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two.
[24:07]
Christina Pazsitzky
Years, saw Keanu's face during a few.
[24:10]
Jessica Kirson
Video chats, and then he sent her audio messages.
[24:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, wow.
[24:13]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. This is just.
[24:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hold on, I think.
[24:19]
Tom Segura
Good morning, my sunshine. Diane, as you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you. You will always be my queen. Have a great day today, Diane. Love you. Kisses from your loving Keanu.
[24:35]
Jessica Kirson
Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in bitcoin and cryptocurrency with legal troubles.
[24:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there and fake.
[24:46]
Tom Segura
Voices and everything else, you know.
[24:49]
Jessica Kirson
Ding, ding, ding.
[24:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. Yeah. I think she should go to jail.
[24:55]
Tom Segura
How stupid. Yeah, like, how she's not old either.
[24:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
She's not.
[24:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah. She's not 80.
[25:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
No.
[25:01]
Tom Segura
And she was just like, oh, Keanu Reeves is hitting me up. I mean, God, he needs fucking 20 grand.
[25:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
Never thought that he's got enough scratch.
[25:10]
Tom Segura
In trouble right now.
[25:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, your mom would get taken by something like this. But your mom's 80.
[25:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah, she. You can definitely.
[25:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
Would you think your mom. No. Your mom would even be, like, smarter than this.
[25:22]
Tom Segura
Kisses from your loving Keanu.
[25:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
Kisses from your love.
[25:25]
Tom Segura
Kisses from your loving Keanu. Hello, Diane, this is Keanu Reeves. You may know me from films like the Matrix, I Need Money, I love you, and Bitcoin.
[25:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
I didn't even realize you could. That that's still a thing.
[25:41]
Tom Segura
A hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Oh, my God. Said she was skeptical when the scammer first messaged her, but she says she video chatted with the scammer, who looked and sounded exactly like the actor. Oh, my God. It's like. It's depressing. Too rough. So depressing.
[26:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's really sad, I think. Yeah. Humanity's getting.
[26:06]
Tom Segura
This guy could not believe the money was coming in, too. He was like, this is so crazy that this works. Yeah, this is.
[26:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know what's going to be fun, though, is the uptick of stories like this as AI gets better and better. Yeah, I can't wait.
[26:19]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. Good morning, my sunshine. Diane.
[26:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
Good morning, my sunshine. Diane.
[26:23]
Tom Segura
Diane Disney, Keanu Reeves. Ding, ding, ding. A hundred and sixty thousand dollars.
[26:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Do you think they had. They definitely had video sex together.
[26:35]
Tom Segura
She's leaving that out. She's like, when he would come. I'm sorry. You know what's crazy, Diane?
[26:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
Rub your tits.
[26:44]
Tom Segura
Keanu has probably the best reputation in all of Hollywood, and I bet if he caught wind of this story, he would want to do something for this lady.
[26:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah, I know. And then everybody would be like, oh, yeah, Keno stole money from me too, dude.
[26:57]
Tom Segura
It's so depressing.
[26:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's so.
[26:59]
Tom Segura
This is a. She isn't old old, but like, that's 160 grand. That's probably a big part of her savings, you know?
[27:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's everything.
[27:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[27:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's so much money to give to so robot Keanu. What other. I want to hear the dirtier, like, the sweet talking. He. He must have been sending her all day.
[27:20]
Tom Segura
Keanu again. Have you played with your. For daddy? She's. Well, he would tell me to do things.
[27:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's what's really happening.
[27:29]
Tom Segura
I hadn't played with my clit in years.
[27:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Good night, my sweet Chine.
[27:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I'm going to bust nuts thinking of you now. Good night, sweet Diane. It's your favorite actor, Keanu.
[27:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
And then she's like, are you filming that movie? Yes, I am on set in England now. Like, it's so bad.
[27:47]
Tom Segura
No one has money here. I need your money.
[27:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
What do you think he told her? Oh, he said that he has legal troubles so that he needs her and he needs bitcoin.
[28:00]
Tom Segura
What the. Can you pull up the Denzel thing? She's so excited about this. Nothing made me happier, idiot. Some in can these people on the red carpet there are. Are out of their minds the way they. So this guy, look, Denzel is like, hey, motherfucker. To this guy. And the guy has a big old donkey smile on his face and keeps touching him. And you can see that. He's like, hey, fuckhead, don't touch me, right? Look at this. The guy's like, ah, no, it's okay. He's like, don't fucking put your hands on me, dumb shit. Told you. Okay. And then the guy reached out and grabs his arm. It's like, bro, stop, stop, stop, stop.
[28:48]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, that's within his rights to not be touched.
[28:51]
Tom Segura
I mean, I know it's crazy.
[28:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Don't touch him. He's. He's standing in front of you.
[28:56]
Tom Segura
And the frogs there, they're notorious for being, like, really, like, controlling of where you stand and when you can stop, like the whole red carpet there is this nonsense.
[29:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's what I heard. That you behave a certain way.
[29:11]
Tom Segura
They like. Yeah, they, they. It was a big thing where they, like, pulled this actress off as she was going up the stairs. They're like, you can't stop for photos here. And she was like, what? And they got really aggressive with her. I forget who it was, but you could tell here he wants to punch this guy in the mouth.
[29:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. He's trying to start some. You want to talk some.
[29:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I would have loved if Denzel had punched that guy. I know, but he's going over there the first. So he must be going over there for something said, right?
[29:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, he. He. Shots fired. He said something first, and he's like, hey, yeah, don't with me. I know you're with me, dude.
[29:43]
Tom Segura
Look at his big. Go goofy. The.
[29:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. Big stupid French mouth. Punch him right in his dumb.
[29:47]
Tom Segura
Yes. Yeah. He's like, happy.
[29:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hey, croissants. Yeah, Put that baguette right up your ass.
[29:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
[29:54]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's with him. He's saying stupid.
[29:56]
Tom Segura
If this video fires me up, I want to grab that guy.
[29:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
Because you're angry, and that's a nice.
[30:01]
Tom Segura
Way to release that rage through somebody else.
[30:04]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, I can see that with you. You. That's an excuse to fight. And it's a legitimate one. One.
[30:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that all my anger comes out.
[30:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
That way because I think you would be pardoned for that one. If some guy keeps touching you, does.
[30:17]
Tom Segura
It say anything out here? Let's see. So he abruptly, allegedly called out a photographer touching his arm at can. The professional lip reader revealed the act that the actor yelled at the aggressive shutterbug in their headline making spat. Hey, one. One more time. Stop. The actor Warren, after physical contact was made. Initially, I think he's being reasonable.
[30:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
I don't even think he snaps. I mean, this is. This is a very normal.
[30:42]
Tom Segura
Let me tell you something. Never put your hands on me. I'm talking to you. Stop. All right. The lip reading expert claimed that the photographer responded to Washington's pleas with dismissal, telling him not allowed before cracking a devilish grin. Yeah, I don't know what that. I mean, what this guy was thinking. Man became.
[31:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Look at this gravity, right? Look at his dumb dog.
[31:03]
Tom Segura
Oh, he's like, can I take a picture? His big. Stop it. Stop it. I mean it. Stop it.
[31:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's gonna kill him.
[31:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's really crazy.
[31:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, you can't put hands on people. I mean, come on.
[31:15]
Tom Segura
And then he goes to grab after all that?
[31:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, dude, I would punch.
[31:20]
Tom Segura
That's what I'm saying. It is really nut. Look how pissed he is.
[31:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
Of course. And why don't they have security being like, why are you touching Denzel Washington? Was that a security guy?
[31:32]
Tom Segura
No, that's ASAP Rocky.
[31:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, I should have had security.
[31:37]
Tom Segura
And then is Spike there in, like, just Nick's colors? Is that what he's wearing underneath? Scroll down. He's just wearing, like, Nick's suit.
[31:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Him in those silly glasses as I'm talking.
[31:50]
Tom Segura
Dude, Denzel's still pissed. He's thinking about that photograph.
[31:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's like, I'm gonna that guy up. I'm gonna him right up.
[31:56]
Tom Segura
That's insane.
[31:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Do you play the other thing I sent you, Gene? Which one from can?
[32:01]
Tom Segura
Oh, it's just at the theater.
[32:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, yeah. Look at the man next to. To the guy that Pedro's hugging.
[32:15]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Paige is hugging a guy, and there's a guy in a full pup play outfit.
[32:20]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[32:21]
Tom Segura
Just like I'm at the movie, too.
[32:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
What? I can come out. This is very exciting for me because I want you to show up at your next red carpet event wearing a pot play mask. And I want the story to be like, tom Segura comes out and you're like, this is who I am.
[32:37]
Tom Segura
And we've been marginalized for so long, it's not sexual. I'm just doing this because, like, this is who I feel like I'm myself. Yeah.
[32:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[32:54]
Tom Segura
That's really cool.
[32:54]
Christina Pazsitzky
But watch. Hollywood is like, oh, my God, So brave. Tom Segura is so brave for coming out as a papa. We need to give him his own movie about it. And then you have to make movies about play.
[33:05]
Tom Segura
And we're tired of being cast aside. Okay, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back.
[33:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
You gotta love these things, eh?
[33:16]
Tom Segura
I know I do. I love the weight of them. We are back and we are so happy to welcome back one of our all time favorites. One of the first funniest people working today. She has a new special out on Hulu called I'm the Man. It's Jessica Kon, everybody.
[33:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Thank you, favorite.
[33:33]
Jessica Kirson
You're mine. I'm in love with the two of you. I wish we could all be in a relationship.
[33:37]
Tom Segura
We can be.
[33:38]
Christina Pazsitzky
We can. Really?
[33:39]
Tom Segura
Well, I'm Polly and I'm bi, so it's fine. Yeah. Yeah.
[33:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, that. That's the thing now, isn't it? To have throuples and.
[33:45]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, yeah.
[33:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
Do you do this? Are you into this?
[33:47]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I have 17 partners.
[33:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's so.
[33:50]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of them's a camel. No. Now I'm going to get hate mail. Like, that's not okay. You know, sometimes the lesbians are like, they're very fucking camels. Isn't. You know, Isn't it, like, on the sense, like, they're. They're hot.
[34:02]
Tom Segura
What do people, like, ever hit you up with? Like, that part wasn't cool.
[34:06]
Jessica Kirson
Not a lot. But when they do, I just. I always like it. And I'm like, you're right. And stuff like that. I used to when people would give me hate on Facebook, I'd go to their page and blow up a horrible picture of them, and then that would be my response. I was out of my mind.
[34:21]
Tom Segura
People are so.
[34:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's a normal response.
[34:23]
Tom Segura
Illogical. Like, I have a series that came out and there's these ridiculous stories in them. And, like, one of them, like, one of the feedback I got from someone, they're like, there's a one where I lose my mind in a coffee shop.
[34:38]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[34:38]
Tom Segura
And somebody was like, I don't know what you did this for. Like, that never happened. I'm like, what do you mean that I didn't kill three people? And they're like, well, nobody.
[34:49]
Jessica Kirson
That is so stupid.
[34:50]
Tom Segura
Nobody filled your entire glass with milk. And I go, yeah, it's an exaggeration. Like, that's the whole thing. Yeah, it's a TV thing.
[34:57]
Jessica Kirson
They're so dumb.
[34:58]
Tom Segura
They're so dumb.
[34:59]
Jessica Kirson
People are so dumb.
[35:00]
Tom Segura
Then we have another one where it's supposed to be her and I are watching our son at a school play, but it's. It's called Grandparents Day. And what it is is the kid is performing a piece that the grandparent has basically taught them, Right. And in our case, the son. Our son is telling war stories from Vietnam, right? And he's just, like, talking about, like, blacks and Jews and, like.
[35:24]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[35:25]
Tom Segura
He's saying. Because it's the grandfather's voice.
[35:28]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[35:29]
Tom Segura
And, like, I got there. Like, this is a horrible portrayal of veterans.
[35:32]
Jessica Kirson
I'm like, I get that stuff sometimes.
[35:34]
Tom Segura
What?
[35:34]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Especially when I do, like, something about another country or an accent. Oh, they. Those go viral.
[35:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[35:40]
Jessica Kirson
I'm glad. I'm like, perfect, because I'll say to someone, like, where are you from? And they're like. They're like, Spain. And one of them, I said, oh, I love tacos. Like, as a joke, there are 7,000 comments about, you know, tacos aren't from Spain. And I'm like, Really? I had no.
[35:56]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[35:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, we just had a story before you came in here. A 65 year old woman was convinced that she was having an online relationship with Keanu Reeves and sent him 170, $60,000 in Bitcoin.
[36:11]
Jessica Kirson
You know what she sent him? Money.
[36:12]
Tom Segura
It's so pathetic. I'm going to show you. I don't think it's.
[36:15]
Jessica Kirson
I need to see it. Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.
[36:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
Diane Ringstaff said she was playing Words with Friends when somebody messaged her saying.
[36:28]
Jessica Kirson
He was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two years.
[36:32]
Christina Pazsitzky
Two years face during a few video chats. And then he sent her audio messages.
[36:38]
Tom Segura
Good morning, my sunshine. Diane, as you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you.
[36:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
Know that I cherish you and I.
[36:45]
Tom Segura
Am loyal to you. You will always be my queen. Have a great day today, Diane. Love you. Kisses from your loving Keanu.
[36:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Keanu says tens of thousands of dollars in bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal trouble.
[36:59]
Jessica Kirson
Knowing what I know now, she got a haircut.
[37:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Technology that's out there.
[37:04]
Tom Segura
Fake voices and everything else. Yeah, yeah.
[37:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
Ding, ding, ding. Jesus.
[37:11]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. Is that my mother? Wow.
[37:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[37:15]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I can see myself and hold on. We've all been there. You're unemployed. It's 2004. You're home all day playing puzzle bobble. You're watching Roger Lodge on Blind Date. Had AI existed, I might be doing Words with Friends and then sitting. Some celebrity pops up. Keanu, and you're vulnerable and he's like, I love you. Just sending you love today.
[37:36]
Jessica Kirson
You just sounded like you have a problem. I love you. Something you love today.
[37:41]
Tom Segura
Good morning, my queen. Christina, it is Keanu Reeves, your favorite actor. I am in legal trouble. Legal trouble.
[37:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
Legal trouble. What?
[37:52]
Tom Segura
Possibly she never was. Like, I wonder if Keanu could, like, hit up. I don't know.
[37:55]
Jessica Kirson
No. Did you see her face when she. Yeah, Keanu contacted me.
[38:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
You're right. She's so tweezed.
[38:04]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[38:05]
Tom Segura
She's tweaked in that frame.
[38:07]
Jessica Kirson
She's on crystal meth and has horrible ptsd.
[38:09]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God.
[38:10]
Jessica Kirson
Like me. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
[38:14]
Tom Segura
You're loving Keanu.
[38:16]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[38:18]
Tom Segura
You will always be my queen. You will always be my queen. I mean, I feel bad for her, but she's also.
[38:27]
Jessica Kirson
I don't feel bad for her. I. I feel bad because she is mentally ill and not in a home. That. I mean it. Like, I feel bad that she has a problem.
[38:34]
Tom Segura
160 grand.
[38:36]
Jessica Kirson
She said, well, okay, then. You know what? It should go away. Like, I'm sorry. If you do that, I'm gonna pretend to be Keanu Reeves. Imagine if I did it and contacted her again.
[38:46]
Tom Segura
I saw what happens. The real Keanu Reeves and you have same color hairs. You could send a video and be.
[38:53]
Jessica Kirson
Like, yeah, I just. I'm bloated. I'm bloated today, but I love you.
[38:59]
Tom Segura
Back in trouble again. Need more cash now.
[39:02]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, yeah.
[39:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
And how stupid is she to share that audio with the news team? Like the local news?
[39:08]
Tom Segura
That's believable. No, that's how the. Like, she's of the age where she's like, doesn't that sound like him? And everyone's like, no. She's like, oh, I thought it did.
[39:17]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I mean, it's. It's be amazing to hire Keanu Reeves to go to her house and kill her at this point. One big kick.
[39:25]
Tom Segura
I think it's funny that because he has such a nice guy reputation, if he actually heard the story and he was like, oh, her. She's stupid. Dumb, dumb.
[39:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
She's a dumb.
[39:37]
Tom Segura
Though, of course, that wasn't me. You think I would hit you up on Words with Friends? Are you out of your goddamn mind?
[39:43]
Jessica Kirson
Friends.
[39:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's just on set, upset somewhere playing Words with Friends.
[39:48]
Jessica Kirson
Her face is how I feel inside all day. That's how I feel. 20. Just panicked.
[39:55]
Tom Segura
Ah, man.
[39:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
[39:58]
Tom Segura
That's just. Oh, it is so up, man.
[40:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Here, pull your mic down. Mommy, we see your beautiful. Put them, like, pull the whole thing down like this. Like, the arm.
[40:09]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, the arm.
[40:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
Like, pull, push.
[40:10]
Tom Segura
Oh, that's where she wants. Yeah, there you go. Jack that thing.
[40:16]
Jessica Kirson
All right. Is that better?
[40:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's better. Congratulations on the special.
[40:22]
Jessica Kirson
Like, yeah, it's better. Let's.
[40:23]
Tom Segura
No, no. I just wanted to get and make sure people know you have a special out. It's on Hulu. I'm excited for you. Where did you shoot?
[40:32]
Jessica Kirson
I shot it at Sony hall in New York City. I didn't want, like, a big theater. I like. Like a club.
[40:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
I thought it was. No, sounds massive.
[40:39]
Jessica Kirson
I know. Well, the crowd was great. They were amazing. It paid him a lot.
[40:43]
Tom Segura
That's awesome.
[40:44]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[40:44]
Tom Segura
Congratulations.
[40:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
Thank you. Congrats.
[40:46]
Jessica Kirson
I'm really excited about it. I. I'm so funny. Thank you.
[40:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
You're my absolute favorite. And I feel like this is so long overdue for you, it's like, dude, Yes, I know. Get on Jessica Curson World.
[40:57]
Jessica Kirson
Thank you. I mean, the, the fans are and the audiences and the comics. But, you know, it's been. It has not. I'm not bitter at all. I swear. I'm so grateful for what I've done. But it's a little bit. Been tough to get the industry on board with stuff like that. That's the only thing that's frustrated me is how long it took to get another special.
[41:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, yeah, I mean, look, if you're not, if you're not a cookie cutter lady comic, I think it's a little harder.
[41:20]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[41:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
If you're saying stuff that's a little on the margins.
[41:23]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[41:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
They don't know what to do with you.
[41:25]
Jessica Kirson
I know they don't like the power, some of them. And the, you know, excuse me, the telling the truth and the like in your face kind of thing.
[41:34]
Christina Pazsitzky
No.
[41:35]
Jessica Kirson
Which really is what people laugh at. That's what people laugh at.
[41:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah, for sure. But also, I don't understand why everyone's a stupid idiot. Every woman's stupid too.
[41:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, that too.
[41:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[41:47]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, that's true.
[41:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[41:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
Because, you know what's so interesting, broad, is that, you know, I. Look again, I think you and I are both really fortunate to even have careers in this business.
[41:58]
Jessica Kirson
It's rare.
[41:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. That being said, like, you look on servers and you're like, it's female. Stand up. Comics still have to announce that they're a female comic, like in their special. Whereas the norm is to be a male comic and just have it titled. Be anything else.
[42:14]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[42:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know what I mean? Like, you can be like, you know, I don't know, ball hat, ball game or what? I'm. I don't know. Mousetrap is the name of your special. Whereas we always have to announce, like, this is a lady comic so that they're not dead. Taken off guard or something.
[42:29]
Jessica Kirson
Right. Well, neither one of us are like female comics. I mean, well, we're barely women. I mean, I mean, yeah, I have a huge dick, but I know the thing is, is like male comics have always said to me, like, you're not a female comic, you're a comic.
[42:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[42:45]
Jessica Kirson
And it's so, you know, a lot of them have not wanted to follow.
[42:47]
Tom Segura
Which is a huge compliment.
[42:49]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, it's huge. I don't, I don't talk about being a woman. Like it's. I don't like it either. Yeah.
[42:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. Well, I don't feel like a woman.
[42:58]
Jessica Kirson
Me either.
[42:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think I'm Non binary.
[42:59]
Jessica Kirson
Me too. But I wouldn't like. I. It's not meaning, like from our generation.
[43:04]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[43:05]
Jessica Kirson
You know, if you said that years ago, be like. What? What?
[43:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah. What are you talking about?
[43:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I've never identified with the meat vessel to begin with.
[43:14]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[43:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
I've always. My heroes growing up were dudes. Right? Like.
[43:19]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[43:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
I liked Knight Rider.
[43:22]
Tom Segura
Me too.
[43:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know what I mean? Like the Incredible Hulk.
[43:24]
Jessica Kirson
Me too.
[43:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, maybe I'm a lesbian.
[43:26]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[43:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
I want to date you.
[43:28]
Jessica Kirson
Might be. I date you. Sure.
[43:30]
Tom Segura
She has a lot of tendencies.
[43:32]
Christina Pazsitzky
I do. I'm very. You've masculine.
[43:35]
Jessica Kirson
You've never experimented?
[43:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, in the 90s, of course. In college, you know. But then I can't eat. I don't think.
[43:41]
Jessica Kirson
I. I know a lot of women say that. They're like, I can do other things, but I cannot eat. What if you just got blasted out of your mind?
[43:47]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[43:48]
Jessica Kirson
I could do anything in a blackout. Okay, so go into a blackout and then eat some pussy.
[43:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
So here's the problem.
[43:53]
Tom Segura
Get some fentanyl in your system. Yeah, go for it, dude.
[43:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
Here's the thing.
[43:58]
Tom Segura
I'll be there with you.
[44:00]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, that's hot. That's how I get women. Yeah. I'm gonna seriously be sick. That is. That sounds the worst.
[44:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
Ew.
[44:11]
Jessica Kirson
Tom.
[44:12]
Tom Segura
What? I know. It turns her on just.
[44:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
So gnarly, dude.
[44:17]
Tom Segura
Oh, here. This will change your mind. This will make you want to eat some box.
[44:20]
Jessica Kirson
Don't pull on my tampon string. I would punch you so far across this whole. Goddamn. Is that Ricky Lake?
[44:36]
Tom Segura
It does.
[44:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
It does look like her. That's amazing. It does.
[44:43]
Jessica Kirson
Look at that face. You ended on again, too.
[44:45]
Tom Segura
Would you. Would you go down on her?
[44:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Me?
[44:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah. No.
[44:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
As above, so below she can't take care of her teeth.
[44:51]
Jessica Kirson
I love that you're being so nice about it.
[44:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[44:54]
Jessica Kirson
I wouldn't touch her with a broom.
[45:00]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, why. Like, what?
[45:02]
Jessica Kirson
Look at her face right now.
[45:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, I know.
[45:04]
Jessica Kirson
Okay. What is she. Why is she talking about her tampon? Did someone threaten somebody?
[45:11]
Tom Segura
We were wondering too. Somebody must have. Have tugged at it and she. She decided to pull out her camera immediately.
[45:17]
Jessica Kirson
That's the only thing I worship.
[45:19]
Tom Segura
Sorry, that was the wrong thing.
[45:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. What?
[45:21]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. That is amazing.
[45:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, but she was. She's very adamant.
[45:25]
Jessica Kirson
Don't pull on my tampon. Don't pull on my tampon string.
[45:34]
Tom Segura
You gotta smoke it up. Don't pull on my tampon string. I think she's a lesbian, by the way.
[45:47]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, I. You're dying for her to eat Box.
[45:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[45:50]
Jessica Kirson
Dying.
[45:51]
Christina Pazsitzky
Here's my problem.
[45:52]
Jessica Kirson
I think you would.
[45:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Jessica. What? It's not even the sexual. I think meat flaps are meat flaps. I could get used to it. The emotions would make me crazy.
[46:00]
Jessica Kirson
Being with a woman, it's not always like that.
[46:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
But here's the thing. I could barely process my own. I don't. Like, like, right now.
[46:06]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[46:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
Avoiding a depression.
[46:07]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[46:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. So do you have to talk about your feelings all the time? And.
[46:13]
Jessica Kirson
And.
[46:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
And she's. Is she, like. Like, let's say Tom this morning. He can get out. I'm going to the gym. Okay. Bye now. And it's not a thing, but I think if there's a woman. Well, what? Did you leave? Are you upset with me? Did you. Is there a thing? Are we in a thing? Are we mad? Are you mad at me?
[46:25]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[46:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Do you know what I mean?
[46:27]
Tom Segura
Like, our brains are always just like.
[46:30]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Like, you just see the lasagna.
[46:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[46:35]
Jessica Kirson
Some head and a tv. Yeah. I. I think it is like that a lot. But it depends on who you're with, because I've also been in relationships with women who are literally just black and white. Like, you know, you full.
[46:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
She just went, oh, emotionally unavailable. That's my winner. Winner, chicken.
[46:58]
Jessica Kirson
There are women.
[46:59]
Tom Segura
Women like that.
[46:59]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[47:00]
Tom Segura
And how is that fun?
[47:01]
Jessica Kirson
Or for me. No, because I need to express myself.
[47:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[47:05]
Jessica Kirson
I'm into feelings. And. I mean, my mother's a therapist, so I'm.
[47:09]
Tom Segura
Jesus.
[47:10]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[47:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[47:10]
Jessica Kirson
I'm damaged.
[47:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Of course I'm damaged. Look who's here. So do you. Do you. You like to talk about your feelings?
[47:17]
Jessica Kirson
I don't like it, but if I don't, I'll, you know, hold on to it or whatever. And I. And I also, you know, I had a. Like, a lot of emotional abuse growing up. You should play music right now. No, I'm. You and I.
[47:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yes, of course.
[47:31]
Jessica Kirson
You and I always talk about this, so I'm like. Sometimes I'm like, did I do something? Did I. Oh, right, that too.
[47:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. I used to be like that with him. Like. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. You know, I'm talking about.
[47:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
[47:43]
Jessica Kirson
What made you stop doing that?
[47:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
Honestly? Getting sick, like, getting cancer. And I spent a lot of time really just thinking about the nature of my life and. And going inside of my own stuff and being like, oh, this doesn't matter. This is silly. Why am I. I shouldn't even be thinking about. Yeah, this is. This is an inside game.
[48:05]
Jessica Kirson
Yes, it is.
[48:06]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know.
[48:06]
Jessica Kirson
Yes.
[48:07]
Christina Pazsitzky
So Whatever this is, that's his world. This is my world. I'm going to deal with my world. And I just forgave everybody and everything.
[48:14]
Jessica Kirson
It's huge.
[48:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Because you're like, what am I going to do? My mommy and daddy hated me. Me that didn't love me enough. What am I gonna do?
[48:20]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[48:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
What am I gonna do?
[48:21]
Jessica Kirson
Because they'll never change. I know.
[48:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
Done deal. And with Tommy. I love him. He is who he is. And I think the trouble in marriages and relationships is when you want them to be something they're not because you didn't get it as a kid or whatever. And now you're forever taking it out on that. You're doing that thing with that person.
[48:37]
Jessica Kirson
I agree with you. 100. I think when you go through a trauma, like you mentor. Because I've dealt with that, too, with my daughter, because, you know, my daughter has heart disease. So this is so upbeat. Don't worry. I'll show you pictures of her in the hospital.
[48:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
So.
[48:54]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. No, but once that happened, I was like, that's like. I'm so grateful. Nothing else really matters.
[49:00]
Tom Segura
Nothing really matters.
[49:00]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. You just go through that and you're just.
[49:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
It all fades away once you realize that this is finite. This is. This is it.
[49:07]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[49:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
You get one chance at all. This.
[49:09]
Tom Segura
This.
[49:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
So what am I gonna. Don't touch me. Don't. Just kidding. I love you a. I know. He's sweet.
[49:14]
Jessica Kirson
See, I know. He's such a good person.
[49:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
He really is.
[49:17]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[49:18]
Tom Segura
Well, when she was going through that, I had Invisalign, and it was also, like. It was a big deal for me, too, because I hated when they applied it. But what was worse is when they took it off. And I feel like we were both going through something.
[49:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
Are you hearing.
[49:29]
Tom Segura
We both. We both grew a lot in there.
[49:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. We both changed and grew.
[49:32]
Tom Segura
We both changed. We both went through our own trauma. And I don't want to compare. Compare. Like, who's.
[49:35]
Jessica Kirson
No, that was. That's really bad. That's very painful.
[49:38]
Tom Segura
It sucks.
[49:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yes. I can only imagine. But, yeah, suffering. Suffering really purifies and helps.
[49:43]
Jessica Kirson
It really does.
[49:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
What that is.
[49:44]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. It's because it. It throws you into a situation where you're like, this could all end.
[49:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[49:50]
Jessica Kirson
I could lose someone or whatever it is. So, like, all this other. Doesn't matter.
[49:55]
Tom Segura
It really doesn't. Like, those. That's the only. I think the upside to, like, real traumatic things in your life, it. It literally does put things in a perspective.
[50:03]
Jessica Kirson
It does.
[50:04]
Tom Segura
You know, and you Stop caring about. You're like, I can't believe I was occupied with this nonsense.
[50:08]
Jessica Kirson
I know. I was at the Comedy Cellar once in New York, and I was so burnt out and just had been on the road every weekend and just like. And this. This guy was just looking at me like this in the front row, like. And I go, sir, are you okay? And he's like, I just not having fun. I go, I lost it. I go, why don't you go uptown to the children's hospital, Columbia and sit in the lobby.
[50:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
Exactly.
[50:31]
Jessica Kirson
You're at a comedy show. Like, I lost my mind. I'm like, go sit there and look at all the children that are being wheeled around.
[50:38]
Tom Segura
And what'd he say?
[50:39]
Jessica Kirson
He went.
[50:39]
Tom Segura
He left.
[50:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
No.
[50:43]
Tom Segura
That was a good call, actually.
[50:44]
Jessica Kirson
He's like, I'd rather sit in a children's hospital than watch your dumb act.
[50:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
But don't you find too that, like, I also think my sense of humor has gotten deeper and also way less given about other people's sensitivities or whatever, you know, like, the best room ever is an AA room to perform in. Because you're like, these fools.
[51:08]
Jessica Kirson
They're the best. I did it Friday night in Florida. They're the best.
[51:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
They've been there.
[51:13]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[51:14]
Tom Segura
The darker you go, the better.
[51:15]
Jessica Kirson
100.
[51:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[51:17]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I mean, they really. Because they've been to hell and back.
[51:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[51:20]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[51:21]
Tom Segura
We gotta find another one here. We did this LA AA show a bunch. That was so goddamn f. Fun. We got to find one here.
[51:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
I know.
[51:27]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. You should just put it out there to the people. Look, look, go on the street and just ask some homeless people.
[51:33]
Tom Segura
You up? You got a lot of problems. You want to laugh?
[51:38]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I'll get you an ounce of cocaine if you have a show with me right now. Yeah, that's.
[51:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
I know. And then I have so much. I mean, your daughter, unfortunately. I'm so sorry. Is going through it. But don't you have so much respect for people that work in the. That industry?
[51:53]
Jessica Kirson
I don't. I. I'm telling you right now.
[51:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[51:56]
Jessica Kirson
When people say to me, oh, you know, such a hard. The hardest thing you could ever do, I'm like, no, no, go. Like. Because my daughter has. She's nine and a half. She's had four open heart surgeries. Yeah. The first one was six days old. So, like, we knew in utero she had to have open heart surgery. And. And then she's also had, like a. A stent put in. It's a nightmare. And she needs more people Always like, oh, but she's okay, right? She's okay. And I'm like, no, she's. She's okay. She looks okay. She goes to school, thank God. And. But you know, she has to have more. So it's. It's not easy. No, it's not easy, but she's amazing. And you just deal with it. Like, what are you gonna do?
[52:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do?
[52:38]
Jessica Kirson
But it's. Can you imagine performing? Performing? Look. Look where my brain is.
[52:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[52:43]
Jessica Kirson
Hey. How you doing? Heart? Can you imagine operating on a six day old?
[52:48]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, no, no. Or. Who are these people? The. The nurses, these, these.
[52:53]
Jessica Kirson
I don't know how they do it. I don't. I've seen the wor. I mean, I have seen the worst things you could possibly see in the ICU for months at a time. There's nothing worse.
[53:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, nothing.
[53:04]
Tom Segura
And it also makes me think about the fact that I actually need more Invisalign, you know, like, it could be that I'm not done.
[53:10]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, I think. Well, I haven't in like three days, so I'm feeling really backed up. You have anything here? You guys must have.
[53:18]
Tom Segura
We definitely do.
[53:18]
Jessica Kirson
What do you have?
[53:19]
Tom Segura
I mean, I'm sure we have some like. Fiber. Yeah, some fiber.
[53:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
But. Are you drinking Metamucil regularly? Especially, you know, at our age?
[53:27]
Jessica Kirson
Well, I took some senna last night. Look at that face.
[53:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
Don't.
[53:37]
Jessica Kirson
That made me think about not my champion.
[53:42]
Tom Segura
Do you know you two ladies, being that you're both lesbians, need to get your vaginas ready to go if you die.
[53:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
I'm not going to another guy.
[53:51]
Tom Segura
Vagina. And you're stuck in your mouth. Sexual organ. The vagina and uterus and your mouth.
[54:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Fuck off. I hate it. I hate him so much.
[54:06]
Tom Segura
Every day. 9, 18, 36.
[54:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
Okay, now your.
[54:11]
Tom Segura
Your face get tightened and not set down. Yeah. Because this muscle and this muscle are very connecting together.
[54:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, they're not connected.
[54:19]
Jessica Kirson
You have this pubic floor tighter. You don't get old and your vagina is tight.
[54:27]
Tom Segura
And you enjoy life. Enjoy sex life with your husband and the husband enjoy your vagina. There you go. All right.
[54:35]
Jessica Kirson
I literally just thought about when I was sexual. I swear on my life. I just had a flashback of when I was sexually.
[54:43]
Tom Segura
From watching this.
[54:44]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I'm not kidding. You think I'm joking?
[54:46]
Tom Segura
Do you guys want to practice real quick? That was really good.
[54:51]
Jessica Kirson
You have to connect your vagina to your. What the. This guy is the literal something. He's disgust. Who is this?
[55:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
I hate It.
[55:15]
Tom Segura
He is Mantak Chia. He's like one of the. I. They probably the leading Taoist sex teacher in the world.
[55:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
But Jessica, he's. He mostly tells men to like rub their. They need to sharpen their swords. So he says that was him talking.
[55:32]
Tom Segura
About rub, rub, rub, rub this way.
[55:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
50 times this way, 50 times this way.
[55:39]
Jessica Kirson
Oh my God.
[55:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
Every day.
[55:40]
Jessica Kirson
Seriously. I have to go on more medication. I'm so freaked out. Play it again. She said, oh my God.
[56:10]
Tom Segura
Do you realize that the worst thing that this guy has probably he doesn't even know has ever happened, is that somebody watched his video and goes, this reminded me of when I was assaulted.
[56:20]
Jessica Kirson
I know. I'm serious. I was.
[56:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
Were you assaulted by a Chinese man?
[56:24]
Jessica Kirson
If I was assaulted by a Chinese man, I. I couldn't even watch this. No, no, he was Japanese. But the thing is, that's why I'll never eat sushi again. Yeah. Cuz it involves sushi. It was really aggressive. Put a whole roll in at one time anyway. Just wish it wasn't crunchy. I. That was so stupid what I just said. Will you fucking kill me?
[56:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
No.
[56:50]
Jessica Kirson
Isn't it crazy how much we need to be liked?
[56:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. It's the. It's the baseline thing that I think ties all comedians together.
[56:59]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[56:59]
Tom Segura
Like if the in at the simplest base level, it is a need for. Hey, will you please like me?
[57:05]
Jessica Kirson
I know that's the name of my production company. Please Like Me production. I swear on my lip.
[57:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I told somebody this because I did a podcast and we were talking all about why people. I go, look, all comics will say different things and different background. I go, at. At their core, all of us are going, please like me.
[57:23]
Jessica Kirson
Of course. That's all we need. And then no matter how much I, you know what I said? I. When they clap stand up standing, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole. Sit down. Like, not going to do anything.
[57:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[57:33]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's the part where I'm at now where like if I'll do stand up and I'll feel really good about myself after, and then I'll be like, yeah, but I'm going to be depressed tomorrow.
[57:41]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[57:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
Because I don't really. It's not real.
[57:44]
Jessica Kirson
No, we have to do it from inside, from I, you know, you have to do the work, which I'm not willing to do. I'm so tired.
[57:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah. The work is too much, man.
[57:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
It really is too much.
[57:56]
Jessica Kirson
It's a lot. It's never ending.
[57:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, I know. There's no end to therapy.
[58:00]
Jessica Kirson
There's no end. I know.
[58:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
So what do we do? Dude, it just maintain until we die. Like that's.
[58:06]
Jessica Kirson
I think you just try to stay alive. I mean that's how I am right now.
[58:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[58:09]
Jessica Kirson
Just be alive. Yeah. Just try to just get out of bed. And the morning.
[58:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's. And hold on. Sorry. But also just look as good as.
[58:19]
Jessica Kirson
You put that hand down because I'm Jewish. Do you remember that?
[58:23]
Tom Segura
But also she was sharing her heart.
[58:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
I was sharing her.
[58:25]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, okay.
[58:26]
Tom Segura
She was like, my heart goes out to you.
[58:28]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, I was raising my hand.
[58:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
You.
[58:31]
Jessica Kirson
No, I was raising my hand. No, it was.
[58:34]
Tom Segura
I have a question.
[58:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
I had a question. It was an adamant. I do not hate the Jews.
[58:38]
Tom Segura
I have a question.
[58:39]
Jessica Kirson
I thought you said get on the train. I didn't know what you had said when you did that.
[58:42]
Tom Segura
Are you leaving yet? I have a question.
[58:46]
Jessica Kirson
Your special was amazing.
[58:49]
Tom Segura
Go ahead.
[58:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, but I'm saying too. Don't you think? And I learned this now.
[58:52]
Jessica Kirson
I was two hands. Cuz she felt self conscious.
[58:54]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, that I felt when I was sick. I would put on makeup every before I went down. For every surgery at 3 I would go full hair and makeup. Cuz I woke up.
[59:04]
Jessica Kirson
Yes.
[59:04]
Christina Pazsitzky
I wanted to be like what? Like I wanted to be cute. And now that I'm getting older and losing my looks, I mean, I see how important it is to look your fucking best. And I'm not saying, you know, you have to do surgeries, but just present yourself with a fucking thing of dignity in the world. Have dignity and pride in your looks.
[59:23]
Jessica Kirson
I think that's really great. And it's important for your relationship too. It is, it really is. Because I know sometimes when someone's partner, whether it's a man or a woman, just lets it all go and just, you know, it's. It's difficult for the other person. It's not who they were with originally.
[59:42]
Tom Segura
The. What happened when people are like see somebody and they haven't seen a while. They're like, what happened? The most horrible thing.
[59:49]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, not even like they don't look great. What happened? Yeah, yeah.
[59:53]
Tom Segura
Did you go through something really terrible? Yeah, I've just been living life. They're like, oh.
[59:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
Even just like emotionally when one person stops growing or becoming curious about the world or I just, I know someone who just divorced and they're in their 70s and she's like, yeah, I wanted to travel and do things and he just wants to stay home all the time.
[60:10]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[60:11]
Tom Segura
That's rough though. That's Fucking really rough.
[60:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[60:14]
Tom Segura
To be in your 70s.
[60:15]
Jessica Kirson
I agree. It's really.
[60:16]
Tom Segura
And the person be like, well, I'm just. You know, I feel I want to see shit. And the other person's like, I just. I'm old. I want to stay here.
[60:22]
Jessica Kirson
I know. They just. Right. But I think, honestly, some people might look at it like, I'm going to pass soon, like, and I better just go out and do my own thing and. Yeah, it's crazy. That would be horrible, though.
[60:35]
Tom Segura
Horrible. Yeah, I know.
[60:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
Because who are you picking up in your last decade?
[60:40]
Jessica Kirson
Depends how much money you have out there.
[60:41]
Tom Segura
That's shout out to Bill Belichick. He just got engaged.
[60:45]
Jessica Kirson
I just thought about him.
[60:47]
Tom Segura
Just got engaged. They were dating, but now it's. Right. It's official. Can you.
[60:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, let's see. What's.
[60:51]
Jessica Kirson
What's he gonna wear, a coffin?
[60:52]
Tom Segura
I'm so happy for them. It's a beautiful.
[60:55]
Jessica Kirson
Me, too.
[60:57]
Tom Segura
They are tying the knot. Very, very excited. He is locking it down. Way to go, Bill.
[61:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wait, where's our guy with the hair?
[61:10]
Tom Segura
She's 24. He's 73.
[61:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's beautiful.
[61:12]
Jessica Kirson
That's not that much.
[61:14]
Tom Segura
That's a good age gap.
[61:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is my lifetime.
[61:19]
Jessica Kirson
Does he even have a penis?
[61:21]
Tom Segura
Can you. Oh, yeah. I was gonna say, let's see. See them scroll down there?
[61:24]
Jessica Kirson
I can. I get it. He's hot.
[61:28]
Tom Segura
The cool thing is, there was also reports that since they started dating, her real estate portfolio has grown by $8 million. That's pretty cool.
[61:36]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. That's so weird.
[61:38]
Tom Segura
He's like, what do you want to get? She's like, I want a house smart. I want a house. I want another house smart.
[61:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
In terms of. That's. That's how you do it.
[61:46]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[61:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
Don't ask for hands.
[61:47]
Jessica Kirson
I love soccer.
[61:51]
Tom Segura
That's so cool.
[61:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
And also, our haircut guy, the orange haircut guy.
[61:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[61:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
He got a new girlfriend, too.
[61:57]
Tom Segura
Oh, you're talking about who? You know Mark Davis.
[62:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[62:01]
Tom Segura
Oh, this guy. Yeah.
[62:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. He got.
[62:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[62:04]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. They have the same lips.
[62:07]
Tom Segura
Look at the far right picture.
[62:10]
Jessica Kirson
Can we just click on that one for a second?
[62:12]
Tom Segura
Because I think, oh, my God, that's a cool haircut.
[62:15]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God.
[62:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
Have you seen this man?
[62:18]
Tom Segura
He owns the Raiders. Yeah.
[62:21]
Jessica Kirson
Can you blow up that face? I'm in the mood for pancakes.
[62:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
But the haircut accentuates the face.
[62:32]
Jessica Kirson
Do you understand what's happening?
[62:35]
Tom Segura
This guy's happy and he's just out living his life.
[62:38]
Christina Pazsitzky
So, Jessica, he insists on going out of his way to the Barber that gives him this haircut every time. So he drives something like 500 miles every time he go away.
[62:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he drives. He drives a minivan and he drives it round trip, like a few hours.
[62:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
To get his haircut, to get it this way. And he likes it. And she claims. I read she claims that she didn't know who he was.
[62:57]
Tom Segura
You know what I love about that, though, about the. About the. The haircut is that it just speaks to, like, he's definitely mentally ill. Oh, beyond.
[63:05]
Jessica Kirson
He's beyond. He's a killer. That's a killer. That's not like.
[63:10]
Tom Segura
And I'll tell you back out of that. Back out one and go to the second row, third.
[63:16]
Jessica Kirson
I knew that was. I knew that was the one.
[63:18]
Tom Segura
You were exactly.
[63:19]
Jessica Kirson
Holy.
[63:20]
Tom Segura
How he looks when he kills. That is exactly. And he sees life leave someone's eyes. That's the expression you see. He's like, she's dead.
[63:38]
Jessica Kirson
Sorry to hear about the funeral.
[63:39]
Tom Segura
He also one of these guys, by the way. I've met him, and he was a super nice guy.
[63:43]
Jessica Kirson
I bet.
[63:43]
Tom Segura
And the one of these former players was like, yeah, you know, Mark's one of these guys where people always talk about his haircut. And the minute people would stop talking about his haircut, he probably wouldn't get his haircut like that. But he's just like, well, fuck y' all if you're gonna talk about my haircut. I'm like, that is the dumbest reasoning.
[64:01]
Jessica Kirson
You could have for to look like.
[64:03]
Tom Segura
Keeping this haircut is like, oh, you're going to keep talking about it.
[64:05]
Jessica Kirson
Well, yeah, it looks like a toupee.
[64:08]
Tom Segura
It does. Yeah.
[64:09]
Jessica Kirson
It's not.
[64:10]
Tom Segura
No, no, that's his real hair.
[64:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, you're right. He's got hair. It's such a waste.
[64:13]
Jessica Kirson
You know what's amazing? I just want to say this because it says a lot. He probably had a good ch. He loves himself.
[64:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he does.
[64:20]
Jessica Kirson
Like, no matter what, it's amazing to me. It depends on how you were brought up.
[64:24]
Christina Pazsitzky
I know.
[64:25]
Jessica Kirson
It really does. I'm like, so I constantly tell my kids how beautiful they are because I want them to feel that way, feel good about themselves.
[64:33]
Tom Segura
It's huge. Do you think that what I'm going to show you here is funny or not horrible or hilarious? Here we go.
[64:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
We got our answer.
[64:53]
Tom Segura
That scream was like. It was the Tarzan scream.
[64:56]
Jessica Kirson
It was.
[64:57]
Tom Segura
He did a full Tarzan.
[65:02]
Jessica Kirson
That scream is the craziest thing I've ever.
[65:04]
Tom Segura
It's totally insane.
[65:06]
Jessica Kirson
Okay, first of all.
[65:10]
Tom Segura
Look at.
[65:12]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. Now It's. Oh, now it's traumatized. See, that's what happened. That can't be the real scream.
[65:19]
Tom Segura
That's what's on here. I know.
[65:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Has an echo on it.
[65:27]
Tom Segura
That feels fake.
[65:27]
Jessica Kirson
Okay, first of all, in the beginning, it was funny.
[65:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[65:31]
Jessica Kirson
Because I always laugh when people fall. You know, fall or crap, not crash, but into each other, whatever. Now it's unbelievably traumatizing.
[65:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[65:39]
Jessica Kirson
The second things a lot.
[65:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[65:41]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. What do you think?
[65:43]
Tom Segura
I mean, I. I love people falling.
[65:45]
Jessica Kirson
That's not falling, though. That's an extreme act, like, collision.
[65:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I was. I enjoy it because I don't, like, I. If it. If it was gory, then I'd be like, oof. Like, if you see something.
[65:55]
Jessica Kirson
Right.
[65:56]
Tom Segura
But the fact that you don't see much and you hear a funny scream, that always makes me laugh.
[66:00]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Did anyone die?
[66:01]
Tom Segura
I don't think so. I mean, we could still. We could hope. I don't know.
[66:07]
Christina Pazsitzky
I didn't like it. Record. You and Jessica are both mentally ill. Well, yeah.
[66:14]
Tom Segura
What's going on here?
[66:22]
Jessica Kirson
What is that? Was that a person? Yeah, that's not great.
[66:29]
Tom Segura
A person.
[66:30]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God.
[66:31]
Tom Segura
Out of a car. That was clearly going really fast. And then they get thrown against this truck.
[66:38]
Jessica Kirson
I hope they didn't break their arms.
[66:40]
Tom Segura
But here's the thing. Here's the update. They're okay.
[66:42]
Jessica Kirson
No, they're not.
[66:43]
Tom Segura
No, they're not.
[66:45]
Jessica Kirson
That person lost their head.
[66:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Well, that was real.
[66:50]
Jessica Kirson
That scared the. Out of me.
[66:51]
Tom Segura
It was. It's unconfirmed, but there's a. There is a possibility that he didn't make it. He was thrown against a truck at 100 miles an hour, and it. It might be that he didn't make it.
[67:08]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. I can't handle you.
[67:13]
Tom Segura
Holy.
[67:15]
Jessica Kirson
Holy.
[67:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Dude, it looks like a goat being thrown against. That's not even a human.
[67:24]
Tom Segura
Holy.
[67:25]
Jessica Kirson
I mean, it did look like a goat.
[67:28]
Tom Segura
It did.
[67:30]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I'm surprised. Can you imagine if we heard that? That's really good.
[67:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
Thanks. I've been practicing for, like, 20 years, not even lying.
[67:45]
Jessica Kirson
Can you do it?
[67:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah. Do it right. You have to do the full weight. I've literally been practicing since the 90s. Okay. That's good, right? You're welcome.
[67:59]
Jessica Kirson
That was amazing.
[68:00]
Christina Pazsitzky
Thank you.
[68:01]
Jessica Kirson
I cannot believe that video you just showed me.
[68:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that was crazy.
[68:04]
Jessica Kirson
That. That was traumatizing. Are you kidding?
[68:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
I'm so used to it, though. This is. Babe, it's Tuesday. This is my.
[68:12]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is my life, bro.
[68:14]
Tom Segura
It is true. She usually Hears. She knows if I'm in a good mood by the types of screaming she hears on my phone. If I'm L. She's like, oh, you're happy. You're listening to like black people yell or.
[68:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, maybe you can answer me this. My husband only falls asleep to genocide, homicide, kidnapping, terrorism. Are lesbians the same way or do you think that's just unique to men?
[68:38]
Jessica Kirson
No, it's not unique. I can't do it. But yeah, my ex would watch like horrible, you know, shows always like police.
[68:48]
Tom Segura
Shows always like, la, la la. You're going to bed now with like homicide, genocide. She's like, are you all relaxed now? Ready to close your eyes?
[68:57]
Jessica Kirson
I know. And I'm like, it's not. Excuse me. It's not a. Just a guy thing.
[69:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Okay.
[69:01]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, it's a dyke thing too.
[69:03]
Tom Segura
Check this out. This is cool.
[69:18]
Jessica Kirson
Oh my God, is he gonna. That thing just warn me?
[69:22]
Tom Segura
Cuz that's.
[69:23]
Jessica Kirson
That's worse. Worse than. No, really?
[69:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's what I think too. That's what I thought when I saw it.
[69:29]
Tom Segura
I like that one.
[69:32]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is what it's like to Mark Davis. You're that 24 year old girl.
[69:41]
Tom Segura
If you are 24 and you a.
[69:43]
Jessica Kirson
Guy sounds like an old Jewish.
[69:51]
Tom Segura
You should expect those.
[69:52]
Jessica Kirson
That camel looks like it's gone through hell.
[69:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[69:55]
Jessica Kirson
Like it was thrown into a car. Like it. That camel looks like.
[69:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, it's a baby.
[69:59]
Tom Segura
And it sounds like it's like the 10th person to stop him. Where he's like, I can't. Not anymore. Like he's just. Yeah, like he's just been climbing up.
[70:09]
Jessica Kirson
Look at that guy's face.
[70:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he's like, this is gonna feel good.
[70:13]
Jessica Kirson
He's like, wait till they get my dick.
[70:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
They're fucking the shit out of that camera.
[70:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah, man.
[70:17]
Jessica Kirson
Oh my God, that's horrible.
[70:20]
Tom Segura
They feel good.
[70:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
Well, you know why I'm not gonna say it out loud, but.
[70:24]
Jessica Kirson
Are you kidding me? After what we've been saying?
[70:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
Standing. That is the perfect level for.
[70:31]
Jessica Kirson
For a little person.
[70:32]
Christina Pazsitzky
Camel. Do you know what I mean?
[70:33]
Jessica Kirson
Camel.
[70:34]
Tom Segura
A fal that size camel.
[70:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's like the perfect size for. Yeah, I guess what these guys are doing. You know what I mean?
[70:40]
Tom Segura
Is he standing up earlier? Like if you go, oh, there he is.
[70:43]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, look, see?
[70:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he's at the perfect height.
[70:47]
Jessica Kirson
He's standing right behind it. It looks like.
[70:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, that's what these guys do. A. I've been there. I've been to this country.
[70:55]
Jessica Kirson
What country is this? Isn't this Seattle?
[70:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah, this Downtown Atlanta.
[71:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[71:06]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God.
[71:07]
Tom Segura
Look, you watch these videos and you.
[71:09]
Jessica Kirson
Go choking it while he's it. My God.
[71:12]
Tom Segura
We cannot coexist. We cannot live with you. We are different. That should be the fucking diplomatic speech that the Secretary of State gives when he gets there. We are different. We will not be like you. Thank you very much.
[71:35]
Jessica Kirson
We will never be the same.
[71:39]
Tom Segura
Oh, God.
[71:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's the truth.
[71:47]
Tom Segura
God damn. God damn.
[71:51]
Jessica Kirson
Master. Master.
[71:53]
Tom Segura
Master.
[71:54]
Jessica Kirson
God. Jimmy Walker looks horrible. He shrunk.
[71:59]
Tom Segura
That's. I show speed. That's like a huge, huge Twitch streamer YouTuber. I guess he's. He's trying to learn a little bit about the Shaolin monk lifestyle.
[72:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
You're supposed to be quiet when.
[72:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, you're definitely not supposed to go, God damn, master.
[72:12]
Jessica Kirson
For sure. Master is like, God damn, master.
[72:20]
Tom Segura
Well, I'm glad it was an Asian guy. You know what I mean?
[72:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, seriously.
[72:23]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. If it were a white guy.
[72:26]
Tom Segura
If there was a white guy and.
[72:27]
Jessica Kirson
He'S just like, God damn, master.
[72:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
He says, it's so funny.
[72:33]
Jessica Kirson
Master.
[72:35]
Tom Segura
Master. I mean, he hit the out of his shoulder.
[72:37]
Jessica Kirson
What did he expect it to feel like?
[72:39]
Tom Segura
I don't know.
[72:40]
Jessica Kirson
I'm shocked.
[72:41]
Tom Segura
I thought they're probably like, oh, this is like, I'm new, you know, it's training Master.
[72:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, me and my girl ear.
[72:49]
Jessica Kirson
I love the guy. Just holding him like, what? What is that? It's okay. Everyone feel like this.
[72:56]
Tom Segura
It's okay.
[72:57]
Jessica Kirson
I hold you.
[72:59]
Tom Segura
No hurt. No hurt so bad this the first time. No her bad.
[73:02]
Jessica Kirson
You're talking hurts, man.
[73:04]
Christina Pazsitzky
That is what that guy's saying. Trying to talk him out of his feelings.
[73:06]
Tom Segura
You okay? You good?
[73:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, this is not too bad. They not too bad. It's your first time. That's okay.
[73:14]
Jessica Kirson
Okay. I hold you.
[73:15]
Tom Segura
He hit the out of his shoulder. Look how SM look smiling in the back. He's like, yeah, master. He's like, I love a hit a black. And they make a noise. I hit a black with a stick.
[73:30]
Jessica Kirson
I want to hit black. For years.
[73:33]
Tom Segura
They always dancing and loud, and now I hit them.
[73:36]
Jessica Kirson
I wish I could play basketball like him.
[73:41]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, God.
[73:49]
Jessica Kirson
Ah, that one was intense.
[73:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah, right.
[73:53]
Jessica Kirson
The third one you just did.
[73:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
I gotta take a pish.
[73:57]
Jessica Kirson
Okay.
[73:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
I gotta piss.
[73:58]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[73:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
I'm drinking a lot of water.
[74:00]
Tom Segura
All right, Go piss, man.
[74:03]
Jessica Kirson
Hurry up, Hurry up.
[74:04]
Christina Pazsitzky
Don't pull out my tampon string.
[74:08]
Tom Segura
You're going to the tampon place right now.
[74:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
Don't pull out my tampon.
[74:12]
Jessica Kirson
What a such a.
[74:15]
Tom Segura
So are you on tour? You're on tour right now?
[74:18]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I'm like you. I'm always on tour.
[74:19]
Tom Segura
It never ends.
[74:20]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's when I'm. I'm a little freaked out about the summer. Cuz, like, you're taking it down.
[74:26]
Tom Segura
Dude.
[74:27]
Jessica Kirson
You are. Yeah, me too. But it's like, then I get itchy.
[74:30]
Tom Segura
Of course, I know the first couple weeks, you're like, this is great. And then you're like, wait, what am I doing?
[74:35]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[74:36]
Tom Segura
I'm not working.
[74:36]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. My life is over. My career is ending. Yeah.
[74:40]
Tom Segura
Always.
[74:40]
Jessica Kirson
I know. How long you. When are you stopping your tour?
[74:44]
Tom Segura
So basically after this weekend. Oh, yeah, I'm done. I have one gig in June.
[74:51]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[74:52]
Tom Segura
And then my next gig after that's August 28th.
[74:54]
Jessica Kirson
Wow. Yeah, I have. I'm doing more than that just because I just need to keep working and stuff. But I. Where are you this weekend?
[75:04]
Tom Segura
Where am I? I don't even know.
[75:05]
Jessica Kirson
That's how I am.
[75:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I don't.
[75:06]
Jessica Kirson
I don't even know where I am right now.
[75:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I barely do. I barely do.
[75:12]
Jessica Kirson
And I. I don't know how you do it when people say that to me. I'm like, whatever. But you really work fucking hard.
[75:20]
Tom Segura
It's been. It's. Yeah.
[75:22]
Jessica Kirson
Couple years. Yeah.
[75:23]
Tom Segura
Two years of just.
[75:24]
Jessica Kirson
Yes.
[75:24]
Tom Segura
Grinding it out. We did some gigs together that was super fun.
[75:27]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God, I love that. A half of them got rained out.
[75:29]
Tom Segura
Which was the best.
[75:30]
Jessica Kirson
Amazing. Yeah, there were like six and we did three or something like that.
[75:34]
Tom Segura
It's amazing. And then they're like, yeah, you're getting paid, but there's no show. Can we set up more of these? Could you set up more gigs where we don't have to do them?
[75:43]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. You said to our agent, can you just always get us booked in Canada during this season when it rains? Yeah.
[75:49]
Tom Segura
You do outdoor only tours for me.
[75:51]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[75:52]
Tom Segura
In like, perilous weather places.
[75:55]
Jessica Kirson
That would be awesome in Antarctica.
[75:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Just fully insure it. But. Yeah.
[75:59]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, yeah.
[75:59]
Tom Segura
I'm.
[76:04]
Jessica Kirson
That was more shocking than the guy flying into the. I'm serious. That shocked me. What just happened.
[76:10]
Tom Segura
Also. Can you just process.
[76:12]
Jessica Kirson
Let's just talk about it for one second.
[76:13]
Tom Segura
Process the level of disrespect. Honestly, to the two of us.
[76:16]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Because it was.
[76:17]
Tom Segura
First of all.
[76:18]
Jessica Kirson
Let's talk about it. It was planned.
[76:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah. She held it.
[76:21]
Jessica Kirson
It was very aggressive. No, you knew it was coming and you waited to sit down. Just be honest.
[76:27]
Tom Segura
Ugh.
[76:27]
Jessica Kirson
And it was. That was not just one.
[76:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[76:32]
Jessica Kirson
But she gave it extra.
[76:33]
Tom Segura
There was tears to it.
[76:34]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[76:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[76:35]
Jessica Kirson
It was like. Like the second one was so disgusting.
[76:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
It should be a lesbian.
[76:42]
Jessica Kirson
You're more so get to be a lesbian now that you just blew it out your ass.
[76:45]
Tom Segura
So disgusting. You're so vile.
[76:47]
Jessica Kirson
And it's. You know what? You're gonna die laughing. It was two, right?
[76:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[76:50]
Jessica Kirson
I have an obsession with the number three. And I swear on my life, it's killing me that she didn't do a third.
[76:55]
Tom Segura
Oh, my gosh, she can.
[76:57]
Jessica Kirson
Can you just do one more? You think I'm joking? It'll make. Hold on. You have to just wait.
[77:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
Just wait. Does it have to have a time limit on it?
[77:05]
Jessica Kirson
No, I just. Before I leave, or I'm gonna have a horrible day.
[77:08]
Tom Segura
Oh, there'll be 30 more before you leave.
[77:09]
Christina Pazsitzky
You have them in the chamber too?
[77:11]
Tom Segura
No, I don't.
[77:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Can he finish this sequence?
[77:13]
Jessica Kirson
It doesn't matter. I don't have one in the chamber. Do any of your. Do any of you guys have to fart?
[77:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
Fortunately not.
[77:21]
Jessica Kirson
My manager Adam's here. Adam, could you have to fart?
[77:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
I wish I could. I'll work on it for you, babe.
[77:27]
Tom Segura
You're unbelievable, dude.
[77:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
I haven't fart on this show in so long. We used to have a fart.
[77:31]
Jessica Kirson
It was a lot. Yeah, I've heard a lot of farts on, but it was like. It was. Is that my daughter's dance recital? Was that.
[77:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
Can I tell you something, too, Jess? It's just a testament to how comfortable.
[77:47]
Jessica Kirson
I knew you were gonna. I love you so much.
[77:48]
Christina Pazsitzky
How much I love you. I would never do this for another guest.
[77:51]
Jessica Kirson
There's not no one. Honest with me.
[77:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, just you.
[77:54]
Jessica Kirson
I know. I love you so much.
[77:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
I knew you would.
[77:57]
Jessica Kirson
Like, I thought that when you did it, I'm like, she loves me.
[78:01]
Tom Segura
I don't ever have that thought.
[78:02]
Christina Pazsitzky
Why don't you beef. Let's have have some roast beef from you.
[78:05]
Tom Segura
I don't have anything. I wouldn't do that to Jessica.
[78:08]
Jessica Kirson
Yes, you would.
[78:09]
Tom Segura
Okay, I would, but I don't have one.
[78:11]
Jessica Kirson
You've probably done it in an elevator to, like, joke around with me or something.
[78:14]
Tom Segura
Probably.
[78:15]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I, I, I. Kill me. The both of you. Kill me.
[78:20]
Tom Segura
You want to show Jess some of these cool videos that you put in here?
[78:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, dude.
[78:23]
Tom Segura
Okay. Jess, Christina curated some of these. These are from her collection.
[78:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[78:29]
Jessica Kirson
Tomorrow I'm getting permanently sterilized by having my fallopian tubes removed.
[78:34]
Christina Pazsitzky
So I decided to throw a little.
[78:35]
Jessica Kirson
Celebration for that and to celebrate the.
[78:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
Fact I've made the choice to not have kids.
[78:39]
Jessica Kirson
Women tend to only be celebrated when they get engaged, get married or have a body. I swear to see them celebrated as individuals for their accomplishments outside of the family. So it was really important to me.
[78:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
To make sure that I dedicated time.
[78:51]
Jessica Kirson
And space to celebrate myself and life changing decision that I'm making. And I'm so excited about it.
[78:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[78:59]
Tom Segura
Can I tell you that this type of chick, I feel like only evolved in the last 10 years?
[79:03]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think you're right.
[79:04]
Jessica Kirson
Five years.
[79:05]
Tom Segura
Don't you think the one who goes, it's time to celebrate 10 years that I'm not getting married. And then they'll throw a party or.
[79:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Even worse, I'm marrying myself. Remember that?
[79:13]
Jessica Kirson
Oh my God, I'm.
[79:15]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[79:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is what stupid bitches are doing because they can't, they can't meet life's criterion. And then they, they celebrate their failure.
[79:22]
Tom Segura
And then this chick is like, I'm not having, amazing, I'm not having babies. So here's a cake, I got to sell it. Like, you can't just not have babies.
[79:29]
Jessica Kirson
I know. I really. Well, I mean, anyone who would make fun of this would. She tapped her stomach. What's in there?
[79:35]
Tom Segura
Well, there's a lot.
[79:37]
Jessica Kirson
Well, I'm saying she's getting tubes removed, not the baby. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I'm not making fun of her. I'm disgusting.
[79:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
I am. I think that, look, it's, lots of people choose not to have children, but to make a thing out of it. Seems a little mentally ill, right?
[79:53]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, this kind of stuff is, is, I have to say, is mentally ill to me.
[79:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
Look, look, if I were to be.
[79:59]
Jessica Kirson
Like, totally, it's not happy. It's like she's about to kill someone. There's, there's a lot of, in my opinion, there's a lot of anger behind it.
[80:06]
Tom Segura
Well, that's a totally manufactured smile. Right? Like, that's not, that's not a genuine.
[80:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
She hates her mommy and daddy. Because that would be like me being like, I'm so happy I got a mastectomy. A double mastectomy. I'm celebrating my double mastectomy. It's like nobody really wants.
[80:20]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, I, I, I agree.
[80:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Maybe it's not a good analogy because she voluntarily, I don't know.
[80:24]
Jessica Kirson
We don't know.
[80:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
We don't know her story. Maybe she has problems, physical problems.
[80:28]
Jessica Kirson
Well, that's different. But I think her announcing to people, it's like very much like, don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me if I should have a baby or not. I Can. It's my own body. I can't. You know, like, I think it's great. Whatever she decides to do.
[80:40]
Tom Segura
Very kind of passive aggressive video.
[80:42]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, that's what I feel.
[80:43]
Tom Segura
Don't tell.
[80:44]
Christina Pazsitzky
You know why? You know why? Because of her. Her sister Debbie. And Debbie's got five kids, and everybody pays attention to Debbie.
[80:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And her parents are always like, why can't you be more like Debbie?
[80:56]
Jessica Kirson
Deb?
[80:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's why.
[80:57]
Tom Segura
And now she has five, you have none.
[81:00]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. What are you gonna. Well, the turning around, the twirling around, the cake, the whole thing, it's. It's. It's really extreme.
[81:07]
Christina Pazsitzky
The twirl.
[81:09]
Jessica Kirson
I've never twirled.
[81:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
I never twirled in my life.
[81:11]
Tom Segura
Come on, come on.
[81:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
Twirl, twirl.
[81:15]
Jessica Kirson
Can you imagine twirling safe.
[81:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
You'd have to feel in the world.
[81:19]
Tom Segura
I'm in my hotel.
[81:20]
Jessica Kirson
I know him. Wait a second.
[81:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hold on, hold on. Jessica.
[81:24]
Jessica Kirson
Totally nude.
[81:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Jessica, wait.
[81:27]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, thank you so much.
[81:29]
Tom Segura
There you go.
[81:30]
Jessica Kirson
I really feel better because I have to do every. Like, if I take toilet paper, it's three, four at a time. I'm not kidding. I have to. My alarm on my phone, my. My car. Three times. Yeah, I have a problem.
[81:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, well, that's like a real ocd.
[81:43]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[81:44]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. So if she didn't fart a third time.
[81:46]
Tom Segura
You know this guy? You said just keep going.
[81:48]
Jessica Kirson
He might be a comedian.
[81:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, I.
[81:54]
Tom Segura
I'm in my hotel.
[81:59]
Jessica Kirson
Totally nude. Oh, my God.
[82:07]
Tom Segura
That's cool. On a serious issue. Oh.
[82:13]
Jessica Kirson
It is always oh, my God.
[82:15]
Tom Segura
Historically.
[82:17]
Jessica Kirson
The situation where young generation view. Oh, my God.
[82:24]
Tom Segura
Speak generation is out of touch. Right.
[82:28]
Jessica Kirson
The mouth thing is.
[82:29]
Tom Segura
A lot of things are changing. Like you're close all over the world.
[82:34]
Christina Pazsitzky
All over the world.
[82:35]
Tom Segura
All over the world. That's smart.
[82:38]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, my God. Something's wrong. I'm not kidding. I feel like there's smoked salmon in his teeth. Social media, it's even worse. Texting, like he just had a bagel with onion and Nova. Communicate.
[82:54]
Tom Segura
What is going on with this guy? For real older people. Stop touching yourself, bro. I like the somehow having a conversation conversation.
[83:05]
Jessica Kirson
Watch.
[83:06]
Tom Segura
You remember that word?
[83:07]
Jessica Kirson
I think he's a comedian. I swear. Barry.
[83:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's a definitely name.
[83:13]
Jessica Kirson
What?
[83:13]
Tom Segura
His name is Barry. Barry ribs.
[83:15]
Jessica Kirson
Yes.
[83:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah. You nailed it.
[83:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my God.
[83:19]
Jessica Kirson
You guys thought I was. I'm sorry. I just freaked out. But I cannot now.
[83:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
Now I feel sexual from Barry.
[83:31]
Jessica Kirson
I love that we both.
[83:32]
Tom Segura
And you know him.
[83:33]
Jessica Kirson
I do.
[83:34]
Tom Segura
You've, like, you've probably been in a show with him.
[83:36]
Jessica Kirson
He's a really nice guy, but I don't even know what he just said. I'm not kidding. I have. I. I'm really not saying this to be funny. I have no idea what he just said.
[83:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
Barry.
[83:46]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. There he is.
[83:47]
Jessica Kirson
Why is that woman the first picture?
[83:49]
Tom Segura
The hottie.
[83:50]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's his.
[83:50]
Tom Segura
He's just like, she's my Bella chick.
[83:54]
Christina Pazsitzky
Get it? Bella chick?
[83:55]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. That's hilarious.
[83:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[83:57]
Tom Segura
Okay. She seems like a cool chick.
[83:59]
Jessica Kirson
You.
[83:59]
Christina Pazsitzky
Is this your opener? This is the guy you're bringing with you?
[84:02]
Jessica Kirson
This is my agent.
[84:05]
Tom Segura
What's Barry doing here? The diddy collection. He's doing real cool guy stuff.
[84:11]
Jessica Kirson
Wait a second.
[84:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is wild that you knew.
[84:13]
Jessica Kirson
I swear, I'm like, there's a theme here. There's probably a picture with me somewhere.
[84:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, no.
[84:20]
Jessica Kirson
Is that me kissing him?
[84:22]
Tom Segura
There's some big titted broads on his feet.
[84:25]
Jessica Kirson
I thought that this was just. I had no idea that this was his feet. I'm so ridiculous.
[84:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
Can I tell you something? In all the years we've been doing these, this has never happened where a guest goes, I know that guy.
[84:37]
Jessica Kirson
Never.
[84:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
And she.
[84:38]
Jessica Kirson
I mean, she does. If I'm on this, you guys are gonna die. Because he's a huge fan of mine.
[84:44]
Tom Segura
Really huge.
[84:45]
Jessica Kirson
He texted me last week. I've known him for years. Wait, was that my ass?
[84:55]
Tom Segura
Okay. All right.
[84:56]
Jessica Kirson
He has done some of my stuff and tagged me and been done silly.
[85:02]
Tom Segura
Scroll back up.
[85:03]
Jessica Kirson
If you look at Always be silly on somehow on his thing. It's. It's my tag. And he's doing something I've done.
[85:09]
Tom Segura
Really?
[85:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[85:11]
Tom Segura
Go to one of his speaking ones where he's. Yeah. What's he doing here? Powers that be. And that could run the gamut. Let's say he's cleaning his teeth again. Operations. Politicians. Okay.
[85:29]
Jessica Kirson
My God. His mouth looks like a heart.
[85:32]
Tom Segura
All right.
[85:32]
Christina Pazsitzky
The smoked salmon. Everything bagel. Smoked salmon.
[85:36]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. With onion. Has to have red onion. A lot of it.
[85:39]
Tom Segura
A lot of it.
[85:39]
Jessica Kirson
He. He loves red onion. Trust me.
[85:44]
Tom Segura
Money in my pocket.
[85:47]
Jessica Kirson
I hope he doesn't kill me now.
[85:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
Orgasmic.
[85:58]
Tom Segura
I'm speechless.
[86:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
We got to cut this out, right? I don't want you to get murdered. Jessica Curson said.
[86:06]
Tom Segura
Ox. What?
[86:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
This has never happened in the history of ymh.
[86:16]
Tom Segura
What did he say?
[86:17]
Christina Pazsitzky
Jessica Kon said.
[86:18]
Jessica Kirson
Do you understand how crazy this is? That you guys played his video and. And you just clicked on one video?
[86:24]
Tom Segura
What is he saying? Jessica's what?
[86:26]
Jessica Kirson
My tagline. This is so crazy. My dad for. For 20 years. Has been. Always be silly. Always has been that. So he's does videos sometimes and says.
[86:43]
Tom Segura
Well, I'll tell you what, I like this Barry guy.
[86:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yep. He's on to something.
[86:48]
Tom Segura
He's got something going on. I like.
[86:49]
Christina Pazsitzky
This is wild. And of course, this is so funny that you're like, I know that guy. Like, and he shouts you out a lot in a video.
[86:57]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. What are the chances he'll just come to show? Like, he came to the stress factory the last time I was there. This was years ago. And just watches me and says, you're great. Like, he hasn't been.
[87:08]
Tom Segura
You say women aren't funny. Let it make you feel special. Jessica Kirsten is all over America especially.
[87:14]
Jessica Kirson
That's very sweet.
[87:15]
Tom Segura
That's very sweet.
[87:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
And he's right.
[87:17]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. I mean, he's very supportive. Yeah.
[87:20]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wow. That was surreal.
[87:22]
Tom Segura
That was pretty awesome.
[87:23]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, that was crazy. I don't know how you play it on here, but that was.
[87:27]
Tom Segura
We're gonna.
[87:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
That was wild.
[87:29]
Tom Segura
Hopefully get more videos. I want to show up. I want to show up. I want to show up. Does that arouse you at all? Like, would you like a partner? That did.
[88:10]
Jessica Kirson
Was this right before school shooting? Okay.
[88:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[88:16]
Jessica Kirson
That is. So that might be one of the top, most disturbing ones.
[88:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Thank you.
[88:21]
Jessica Kirson
How do you feel about it?
[88:23]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, I love it. This. This stuff gets me. It's like energy.
[88:27]
Jessica Kirson
What is this for, though?
[88:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
So this. So there's this thing called little space where mentally ill gen zers are like, I need to get into my little space. So he's taking a break from his day job and going into his car to get into his little space. That's so stupid.
[88:43]
Tom Segura
I want my. I want my baba. I want my baba.
[88:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
This generation is so doomed. These guys are.
[88:50]
Jessica Kirson
I. I really. Yeah.
[88:51]
Tom Segura
I changed my Die. Die. I make a boom, boom.
[88:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hold on. I will take. We have to check in with any. How do you feel any right now?
[88:59]
Tom Segura
This. I mean, that doesn't. I mean, he should probably get beat up or something. But it doesn't bug me, though. It's whatever.
[89:06]
Jessica Kirson
He should probably get beat up.
[89:07]
Tom Segura
So.
[89:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
But this doesn't affect you the way male black homosexuality.
[89:15]
Tom Segura
No. There's no cough in his mouth, so.
[89:18]
Christina Pazsitzky
There'S no black dicks.
[89:19]
Jessica Kirson
Well, he's not gay, right?
[89:21]
Tom Segura
No, no. But you know. And he's black. And you know, black guys are like, I don't play no gay when it comes to, like.
[89:27]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, so he. He's a homophobe.
[89:28]
Tom Segura
No, no. He just doesn't like when black guys do Gay. Like, he's just like, what the.
[89:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
He doesn't like seeing it in video.
[89:38]
Jessica Kirson
No, he's not a homophobic. He just doesn't like when black men touch each other.
[89:41]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not into that. You want to see something he doesn't like?
[89:48]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, show me.
[89:50]
Tom Segura
Here's some he doesn't like. Look at him shaking his head. So we play stuff like that for him. He won't like it.
[90:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's on camera six.
[90:13]
Tom Segura
Camera six right there.
[90:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
Hates it so much.
[90:15]
Jessica Kirson
I can't take it. Yeah, well, he's not even smiling.
[90:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
No, no.
[90:20]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, he's like that. Yeah.
[90:22]
Christina Pazsitzky
It upsets him. Like, there, look. We all have our wheelhouse of videos that upset us.
[90:26]
Tom Segura
For.
[90:27]
Christina Pazsitzky
For me, I don't like guys being super horny. I hate it when guys like, I'll make you come look at. I'm like, that shuts me down. Yeah, I wouldn't say that I'm whatever phobic that is, but I just don't like seeing that.
[90:40]
Jessica Kirson
Well, it's horny, guys. Very. I get that a lot. I understand that. Me too. What's your.
[90:48]
Tom Segura
You're turned on. See, that's how it's been my whole life.
[90:55]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, it's so gross. Because you know what? It's public transportation guy. This is the guy on the subway that did that to you when you were, like, 12, you know?
[91:03]
Jessica Kirson
I know. And I shouldn't have him. Such a big mistake. This is really intense.
[91:09]
Tom Segura
It's intense.
[91:10]
Jessica Kirson
That's an intense ass.
[91:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Guy's got a great body. He's a great shape.
[91:14]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[91:15]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[91:15]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wait, what's your video? What shuts you down?
[91:19]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, boy. I don't know. I mean, I think, like, aggressive. Aggressive men like that, too. I can't. Or like. But the way they, like. Yeah, Come on. Yeah, I'll. Yeah, I'll make you. That's like a joke I have about when straight guys. When I was coming out, I'd be like, I can change you. You just haven't had the right guy, you know? I hate that.
[91:37]
Christina Pazsitzky
Of course. This guy. I hate him so much. I hate him 10, 15 times before.
[91:45]
Tom Segura
I even went boom once.
[91:47]
Jessica Kirson
Does he. Them with his nose. Does he have a really big nose? Or she's just up close.
[91:53]
Tom Segura
I don't think it's the best angle for him. It is a. It is a sizable schnoz.
[91:58]
Jessica Kirson
It's very disturbing. Yeah, I feel that way. I'm also not into, like. Like, I cannot watch someone being, like, tortured or.
[92:06]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[92:07]
Jessica Kirson
Like any kind of assault or that kind of thing. I can't watch it. What's your thing?
[92:13]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, I know, I know, because I find them.
[92:15]
Tom Segura
What?
[92:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
Nose picking and nose eating.
[92:18]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God.
[92:19]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Nose eating.
[92:20]
Tom Segura
I hurl. Dude hates booger.
[92:24]
Jessica Kirson
What'd you do when your kids did that?
[92:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
They don't eat their books.
[92:27]
Tom Segura
They were never like boot eaters.
[92:28]
Jessica Kirson
I know, it's really bad.
[92:30]
Tom Segura
I see it today. Like it could be in a video and I'll be like, I'll just start to dry.
[92:34]
Jessica Kirson
Like the camel.
[92:35]
Tom Segura
Oh. Ah.
[92:40]
Christina Pazsitzky
Camel. The camel was my first time to see bigger people.
[92:44]
Tom Segura
There are not many big people in Japan because a lot of Japanese people are very disciplined. We believe that harmony is very important.
[92:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
So if you are too big and.
[92:56]
Tom Segura
Then you stand out too much and then they kind of destroy the harmony.
[93:00]
Christina Pazsitzky
In the society in a way.
[93:04]
Jessica Kirson
Image is massively important here.
[93:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
[93:08]
Christina Pazsitzky
Image.
[93:09]
Tom Segura
I love that they. In the caption they just wrote fat where she said.
[93:12]
Jessica Kirson
I know, that's why I was laughing.
[93:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah. They're like, well, you are too fat.
[93:15]
Jessica Kirson
Didn't they say pig at some point?
[93:17]
Tom Segura
I think she said big and they wrote pig.
[93:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, they're like, what is that?
[93:24]
Jessica Kirson
What is this show? Is this a show?
[93:26]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, it like looks like a BBC4 probably.
[93:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[93:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's pretty great though, right? Cuz most cultures are like that. They're like, you can't be four bills, dude.
[93:35]
Jessica Kirson
I know.
[93:36]
Christina Pazsitzky
Sticking out.
[93:36]
Jessica Kirson
But what would make them want to go and be told that? I think somebody was just get out of our country.
[93:43]
Tom Segura
Somebody was just like, you want to have a good meal? And they were like, yeah, then this lady's going to come talk to you. Oh, okay.
[93:48]
Jessica Kirson
Oh, that's amaz. It's an intervention.
[93:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah. She's like, oh, interesting. We've never seen people that look like you.
[93:53]
Christina Pazsitzky
Good show. If they did an international intervention.
[93:56]
Tom Segura
Fat intervention.
[93:57]
Christina Pazsitzky
They send you, you when you're really fat to Asia and you just get shamed into losing weight.
[94:02]
Jessica Kirson
That's actually a great idea.
[94:04]
Tom Segura
Well, the Koreans have, like, in some of the parks, you know, they have that structure well that has like slots that are like for Josh. And they go fit through this and you're healthy. Really fit through this. You're a big fatty. You've big fat. Stop being.
[94:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
Kill yourself.
[94:20]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, Fat.
[94:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, they do. And it's out there. It's like it's in public and they're.
[94:25]
Jessica Kirson
Imagine getting stuck in it.
[94:27]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. It has to have happened.
[94:29]
Jessica Kirson
I mean, I had to used To. I used to have to ask for an ex. Seat belt extender. And that was horrific.
[94:34]
Tom Segura
Horrific, right?
[94:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Horrific. Tell me about the first.
[94:36]
Jessica Kirson
I tried to make it quiet. I was like, hi, do you have a. What. What do you need? I need a seat. I. Oh, okay. So you need a seat connector. Like, it was really. And you're like, yeah. Once I was on a tiny plane doing a gig in, like, the Midwest and this, and there were only like, six of us on the plane. You know, one of those. And the. The.
[94:58]
Christina Pazsitzky
The.
[94:59]
Jessica Kirson
I almost just said housekeeper. The. The flight attendant. The flight attendants. Like, do you have your. Like, in front of her? And she was heavy. I'll never forget this. She was heavy. And she's like, do you have. Is your seat belt fastened? I had a. I used to put a. Like a jacket over it. And I'm like. She's like, I need to see. I never forget this because she was very heavy, and I had to show her. And she's like, that's not fast. And let me get you. Extender. I'm like, you're a.
[95:28]
Christina Pazsitzky
Like, you're.
[95:30]
Jessica Kirson
That. It was really horrible.
[95:31]
Christina Pazsitzky
She should have just discreetly, like, here.
[95:33]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. Like, knowing how it feels like. Yeah, yeah.
[95:36]
Tom Segura
Just like. She tried to. Basically. She tried to shame you.
[95:39]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, yeah. It was really unbelievable.
[95:42]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's not nice. Yeah, I've seen them discreetly hand.
[95:45]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, me too.
[95:46]
Tom Segura
I've been on flights where I try to get one for Bert. I've been like, hey, can you give me a seatbelt extender? And they're like, what? I go, can you get him a seatbelt extender? And they're like, okay.
[95:56]
Jessica Kirson
You just brought rope and tied him around the seat here.
[95:59]
Tom Segura
Man, this is so you can fit better.
[96:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Did you find the slots? Josh, you're going to see this. Jessica. Good. So this is right.
[96:07]
Jessica Kirson
This is very.
[96:09]
Tom Segura
There. Instilled by the local health authority. The sign says, your belly fat can change. So you pass through these gaps to measure your.
[96:19]
Christina Pazsitzky
I could fit in any of those.
[96:20]
Tom Segura
So we have skinny, slim. Standard.
[96:24]
Jessica Kirson
Yes, you could.
[96:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Standard. Standard.
[96:26]
Jessica Kirson
Or chubby. No, you're not.
[96:29]
Tom Segura
This literally says, you're in trouble. For me, I failed standard.
[96:35]
Christina Pazsitzky
Failed standard. See this time.
[96:38]
Tom Segura
And they're calling him chubby.
[96:39]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah.
[96:39]
Tom Segura
This guy. Welcome to Korea. That's.
[96:43]
Jessica Kirson
He's chubby.
[96:44]
Tom Segura
He's chubby. Yeah. That guy looks like he weighs like 175.
[96:48]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's not a lot.
[96:49]
Jessica Kirson
Not even that. I don't.
[96:50]
Tom Segura
Maybe less. Yeah. Yeah, maybe once again, they're like, you're chubby or Disgrace to family nation.
[96:54]
Christina Pazsitzky
I think they should have these before a flight attendant can check in for her job to get on the plane and call you a fatty.
[97:01]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, I know.
[97:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
Cuz they have to enforce stuff.
[97:03]
Tom Segura
It's like big Barb, who's she? Walks down the aisle.
[97:07]
Jessica Kirson
Peanuts are cookies.
[97:09]
Tom Segura
So much attitude. And you're like, holy.
[97:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
They're so mean.
[97:12]
Tom Segura
And then you fly international flights where you're like, oh, they have these angels working on.
[97:16]
Jessica Kirson
I know. They really are amazing. The international.
[97:19]
Tom Segura
Unbelievable. Cafe Pacific.
[97:21]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[97:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Wherever.
[97:22]
Jessica Kirson
Wherever women are treated the worst, they have the best service.
[97:25]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, my God, that's so true. Like you. The Arab Emirates.
[97:28]
Tom Segura
They know their value. They know their value. You know, they're like, this is what I'm worth, so I'll bring it to work.
[97:35]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah. They're like, if I want to stay alive, I better go back and ask her what she wants.
[97:39]
Tom Segura
Exactly.
[97:40]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah.
[97:40]
Tom Segura
So I don't want to be beheaded. Yeah. I'll do a good job today. Oh, my God.
[97:46]
Christina Pazsitzky
It's directly proportional.
[97:48]
Jessica Kirson
It is.
[97:49]
Tom Segura
I have to say this. If you have not yet. You need to go on Hulu and see I'm the man. It's Jessica Kirsten's new special. She is absolutely one of the best comedians working in the world today. So funny. Just fantastic. So much so I've had. We were saying, like, when you were taking your. We were talking about how much fun we had on the road because we did. We did some gigs.
[98:10]
Christina Pazsitzky
Oh, that's right.
[98:11]
Tom Segura
Last.
[98:11]
Christina Pazsitzky
Yeah, that's right. I'm so glad he took you.
[98:13]
Jessica Kirson
I know we did it.
[98:14]
Christina Pazsitzky
Not that he took.
[98:15]
Jessica Kirson
He's amazing. No, it's just the fact. This is the thing. Tom has been one of the guys who has helped me and taken him under his wing because, you know, I like. Yes, you have. So is Bill Burr. These are.
[98:29]
Christina Pazsitzky
He's a good champion of the lady comics. He was very good to me early too.
[98:32]
Jessica Kirson
So Shout out to me. He produced this special, the last one. I mean, it's like, if it weren't for these guys, because none of the female comics ever took me on the road to open for them. I mean. Well, I don't know.
[98:45]
Christina Pazsitzky
Too funny, though.
[98:46]
Jessica Kirson
Yeah, well, you know, you couldn't know.
[98:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
But I wouldn't follow you.
[98:49]
Tom Segura
Bill and I both say pussy's. You know what I mean?
[98:52]
Christina Pazsitzky
That's what's up.
[98:53]
Jessica Kirson
I know. Yeah. I mean, it's. Don't. Don't repeat why you did that last summer. But anyway. Yeah.
[99:03]
Tom Segura
Invisalign. Still. I'm still recovering. Thank you. Guys Stupid for watching. Thank you for listening, Jessica. Thank you for coming in today. Love you.
[99:12]
Jessica Kirson
You're brilliant. I love you.
[99:14]
Tom Segura
We'll see you guys next week.
[99:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
Bye, Mommy. Norman Summerton.
[99:20]
Jessica Kirson
Pig.
[99:21]
Christina Pazsitzky
Norman Summerton. Big, big Norman Summerton. Calls and cocks.
[99:26]
Tom Segura
Stupid, useless tiny calls.
[99:30]
Christina Pazsitzky
Little pathetic cock. Pig has no rope, no string. So it's going to have to use this pink leash, nice and tight, for my mistress to leave me by my balls. Little pathetic cock.
[99:46]
Tom Segura
Pixicles.
[99:47]
Christina Pazsitzky
Pigsticles. Stupid, stupid balls. Pig balls.
[99:53]
Tom Segura
Pig pinballs.
[99:55]
Jessica Kirson
Pig.
[99:56]
Christina Pazsitzky
Here comes a little. I can't even see it.
[99:59]
Tom Segura
So small.
[100:01]
Christina Pazsitzky
What a loser.
[100:04]
Tom Segura
Testicles.
[100:05]
Christina Pazsitzky
Testicles. Owls and caulk.
[100:11]
Tom Segura
Jake.
[100:12]
Christina Pazsitzky
Norman Summerton.
[100:15]
Tom Segura
Slack lure.
[100:16]
Christina Pazsitzky
Tramp. Cock sucking bisexual pimp.