Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805

Summary

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura Episode 805: Farts Are A Love Language Release Date: April 9, 2025

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1. Health Updates and Colonoscopy Experiences

Christina's Colonoscopy: Christina Pazsitzky opens the episode by sharing her recent personal health experience. She underwent her first colonoscopy, describing it humorously yet informatively.

• Christina P [01:17]: "I got a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life."
• Christina P [04:27]: "At 4am I was browning water. Just clear water, which is where you're supposed to get."

Tom's Envy Over Anesthesia: Tom Segura expresses his jealousy over Christina’s experience with anesthesia during the procedure, highlighting his desire to have similar relief.

• Tom Segura [02:12]: "I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia so good because it's my favorite thing."
• Christina P [06:19]: "20 minutes long. And by the way, you get a propofol nap."

2. Personal Hygiene and Handwashing Habits

The hosts delve into a lighthearted debate about handwashing routines, with Tom confessing his unconventional habits.

• Tom Segura [07:55]: "I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee."
• Christina P [08:08]: "I do before and after. Because we piss on your hands."

Tom humorously defends his stance against washing both hands, while Christina counters by emphasizing cleanliness.

3. Farting as a Relationship Dynamic

A significant portion of the episode revolves around the topic of flatulence within relationships, exploring cultural norms and personal boundaries.

• Christina P [05:04]: "You're so gross. So you're driving me to the colonoscopy. ... It was so fucking disgusting."
• Tom Segura [05:10]: "I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic."

They discuss the balance between intimacy and maintaining respect, with Christina expressing discomfort over mutual farting habits and Tom highlighting the humorous side.

4. Promotional Segments

Interspersed with their discussions are promotional breaks endorsing various products:

• Trade Coffee Subscription:

  • Tom Segura [12:30]: "Trade is the leading specialty coffee marketplace in the US offering selections from over 50 of the country's top roasters."

• TrueWerk Workwear:

  • Tom Segura [24:07]: "Every TrueWerk product is engineered for maximum comfort, protection, and efficiency with minimum bulk or extra weight."

5. "Any" Inner Thoughts and Relationship Advice

The episode features clips of a character named "Any," providing controversial and humorous relationship advice, which Christina attributes to her father's influence.

• Any [13:14]: "Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. ... You're replaceable."
• Christina P [15:21]: "This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life."

They critique the advice, emphasizing the importance of genuine intimacy over manipulative tactics.

6. Movie Reviews and Pop Culture

Christina and Tom share their experiences watching the "Minecraft" movie, praising performances and production quality.

• Christina P [36:31]: "Jason Momoa was amazing."
• Tom Segura [36:40]: "He played such a dummy. That guy was just a big dummy."

They commend the actors' comedic timing and the film’s ability to entertain both children and adults.

7. Cultural Differences and Language Learning

Christina discusses her journey of relearning Hungarian, highlighting cultural nuances in politeness and communication.

• Christina P [55:00]: "I asked, how do you ask for a coffee? ... 'Set it. Nick. Ed. Cait.'"
• Christina P [58:07]: "But she said that’s just being Hungarian. ... You don’t say please."

This segment underscores the cultural differences in interpersonal interactions, providing a humorous take on language barriers.

8. Tour Promotions and Audience Engagement

Tom promotes his upcoming "Come Together" tour, sharing amusing anecdotes from past shows.

• Tom Segura [70:22]: "I'm hitting a whole bunch of different cities in... let's see, where are we going?"
• Tom Segura [71:05]: "Vince the glove dilorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma City who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal."

He recounts the elaborate prank of creating a fake movie poster, engaging the audience with behind-the-scenes stories.

9. Conclusion and Sign-Off

The episode wraps up with final thoughts, humorous remarks, and reminders about Tom’s tour.

• Christina P [73:34]: "We watched what happened. I watched what happened in Brexit."
• Tom Segura [73:47]: "See you next week. S a r T S a r T S..."

They bid farewell to listeners, maintaining the playful and candid tone that characterizes their show.

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Notable Moments and Quotes

• Double Stream Magic:

  • Christina P [05:04]: "Double stream magic."

• Handwashing Humor:

  • Tom Segura [07:55]: "I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense."

• Relationship Advice Critique:

  • Christina P [15:21]: "This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life."

• Cultural Politeness:

  • Christina P [58:07]: "You don’t say please."

• Promotional Enthusiasm:

  • Tom Segura [24:07]: "Every TrueWerk product is engineered for maximum comfort."

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Insights and Conclusions

In this episode, Christina and Tom blend personal anecdotes with humor, tackling everyday topics like health procedures, personal hygiene, and relationship dynamics. Their candid discussions about cultural differences and language learning add depth to the comedic banter. Promotional segments are seamlessly integrated, maintaining the show's entertaining flow. Overall, the episode underscores the duo's ability to transform mundane subjects into engaging and relatable content for their listeners.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's up, everybody? It's Tom Segura. Tickets for my fall dates of the Come Together tour are on sale right now. You can get them. No code words, no special signs, no handshakes. Just go to tomsegura.com tour and pick up those tickets. I will see you there this fall. A whole bunch of cities have been added. Thank you. I love you. And I will see you there. Well, welcome.

[Christina P]

Welcome to your mom's.

[Tom Segura]

Guten Tag. Welcome.

[Christina P]

That burpulade. Did they get to hear that before we started rolling even?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

That was mighty. Mighty.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Nana just nodded.

[Christina P]

Oh, cool. Yeah, you guys get to hear what I hear all the time. Yeah, we'll talk about that a bit more today because you've been in special form and I have a theory why and I'm going to get into that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really? You have a theory? I don't know about this theory.

[Christina P]

I do.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, cool, man.

[Christina P]

I do.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Christina P]

What's everybody.

[Tom Segura]

What's everybody. It's great to be here. We have so many cool updates to share with you. A lot of cool things going on. Yeah, a lot of cool updates. Do you want to show off and say what you did yesterday?

[Christina P]

You. Oh, you're just going to get into it right now?

[Tom Segura]

Why not?

[Christina P]

This leads into my theory as to why you've been ramping up the burps, the farts, the hawking loogies. I had a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the.

[Christina P]

Hold the applause. And it's not for any reason. It was just a standard thing, so don't worry. And I think. And I'm just gonna put this out here and see if this sounds, like, familiar. I think you're a little jellies because a. I got to watch all. Everything come out of me in a waterfall fashion. I got some cool farts and I got a propofol nap. Am I saying that right? Propofol.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I think you're jealous and you're just showing off a little bit. You're peacocking a little. Does that sound familiar?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't think that's. I. I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia so good because it's my favorite thing and it's. It's the only thing I haven't really reached out to somebody for. I'm trying to find a doctor that'll do it.

[Christina P]

Like Michael Jackson.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. 100. And by the way, I'll pay. I'll pay cash. Yeah, I'll do What you want? I want you to come to the house. I want you to, to give me propofol.

[Christina P]

You have to sleep in a chamber though. Didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think you have to sleep in one.

[Christina P]

Yeah, just puts like the, the thing on your.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you just need a doctor to monitor you, you know, all night.

[Christina P]

Dude, did mj. He just have a doctor all night monitor?

[Tom Segura]

Well, that guy was there all the time. I don't know if he spent the night all the time, but.

[Christina P]

But that's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

His tolerance went way, way up. Yeah, because he was able to metabolize the propofol in, in increasing amounts so quickly that they had to keep ramping it up.

[Christina P]

It's wild because my brain was totally charred after it. Like I yesterday I had brain zaps.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine you're the doctor killed Michael Jackson.

[Christina P]

What happened to him? I'm sure he's in prison by now.

[Tom Segura]

He did have to serve some time, but I don't know what ultimately.

[Christina P]

See this is the crazy thing about really rich celebrities is you can find anybody to do anything as long as they don't have morals.

[Tom Segura]

He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, inadvertently overdosing with a powerful surgical anesthetic, Propofol. He served just under two years of his original four year sentence. Conrad Murray. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Dude, that's a powerful way to sleep. Honestly, that's a little too much like you're. You're just dead. You're basically dead all night.

[Tom Segura]

There he is.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he looks good. He looks cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wonder what he's doing these days. Cuz I'll tell you this, if you can still get your hands on that propofol, I'll hire you.

[Christina P]

No, I'll hire you tonight. But I do have something really relevant to the YMH world.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That I'd like to bring to the light.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So by the way, colonoscopy, no biggie. I really thought it would be way worser than it was. Not a big deal. You take, you drink this nasty shit that makes you basically waterfall dump for hours. For hours. Fine. It doesn't hurt.

[Tom Segura]

How many times do you think you sat on the toilet?

[Christina P]

Oh my God. 80. No, 87.

[Tom Segura]

No, there's no way. It was not that many times because.

[Christina P]

I like to get up. I would sit down and try to watch something.

[Tom Segura]

It was an 80 something again.

[Christina P]

It was a lot. It was 180 and I'd feel a tug. But it's things not painful. It's not like diarrhea, where you're like, oh, bent over. No cramping. You just feel like a little, like, boop, boop. And then you go sit down.

[Tom Segura]

Hello.

[Christina P]

And then. But you better sit down fast. There's no time to spare because you sit down and water. Eventually water comes out of your butthole. Here's the cool part. At 4am Are you ready?

[Tom Segura]

I'm ready.

[Christina P]

At 4am I was browning water. Just clear water, which is where you're supposed to get. At one point, water was coming out of my B hole and piss was coming out of my pee hole. Now we've got the double pipe classic, which is a burp and a fart at the same time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What would you call. Since you coined it, you're in the urban dictionary.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

When you brown water and pee at the same time.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. It's like double stream magic. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Double stream magic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I don't think that's ever gonna happen again in my life.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

It is magic.

[Tom Segura]

Like, in unison, together.

[Christina P]

Same. But you're not. Just to clarify, you're water. You're literally just. You sit down and water comes out of your bum. It's wild.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What did you call it? A double stream magic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

I. I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic.

[Tom Segura]

I would say this, too. It really. They. They made it pretty clear getting. Everyone thinks, I don't want to do that. They prevent so many deaths and catch so many things early by getting colonoscopies. If you're over 40 and you haven't had one, you know, it's just. You owe it to yourself, to your family. You should do it.

[Christina P]

It's totally. Yeah, it's.

[Tom Segura]

It's a preventative thing, and it's how they know, oh, something's up with your GI track. We got to do something. If you don't do it, it's. Everything's. It's way too late. When you're like, I'm fucking shitting blood.

[Christina P]

Well, and also those kits that they say, oh, you just scrape your poo and then you nail it in. Those are not. It's too late. By the time it shows up there, you've already got cancer. You're. You're dead. So just go. And by the way, the actual procedure.

[Tom Segura]

20 minutes, 20 minutes long. And by the way, you get a propofol nap.

[Christina P]

I know. It is the best part.

[Tom Segura]

I was so jealous.

[Christina P]

You were? You always are. When I get anesthesia, I know, you're so.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I'm signing up for one just to get that. I've had one. I had a. I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, but it's time for another, and I'm super jealous, and I just want to get.

[Christina P]

I know you're jealous. That's why you've been ramping up the burps and the farts and. Do you want me to talk about what you did yesterday?

[Tom Segura]

That's fine. I don't care.

[Christina P]

You're so gross. So you're driving me to the colonoscopy. Where to? Stoplight.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And lately even really phlegmy. And I don't know if it's the. The air here in Austin, the allergies, and where to. Stop. Stop late. And you're sneezing, and you're sneezing. And then you. You're doing this horking shit that you do as a dad. And then. And I see it in the corner of my eye, you're pushing the button for the window to roll down. And then you do, like an old Chinese guy, you go. And then you huck the loogie out of the car window like an old man. It was so fucking disgusting. So fucking disgusting.

[Tom Segura]

I sneezed. And what happened was when I sneezed super violently.

[Christina P]

I know. What? I know.

[Tom Segura]

All the snot came into my mouth and I had just. I had a mouthful of snot.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

So it's like either spit out the window or just swallow it.

[Christina P]

No, that's what a handkerchief is for. Gentlemen have handkerchiefs. And you spit your spittle, by the way. I have to kiss your mouth. You know that? I kiss your mouth and it makes me think, too. And. And. And what I realize is you don't wash your hands as nearly as much as I thought you did.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I don't. First of all, I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee. That's what I do. Because my penis is clean. My hands are not.

[Christina P]

I do before and after. Because we piss on your hands.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's fine.

[Christina P]

Why is it fine? It's urine on your hand.

[Tom Segura]

It's delicious, it's sterile, and it's good for you. I do not wash my hands after I pee. And you're a fool. And you're letting the government tell you what to do if you do that.

[Christina P]

Psyops.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you wash your hands before you touch your delicate, beautiful.

[Christina P]

I agree with that.

[Tom Segura]

If I. I wash my right hand Only because that's the hand that I wiped with. I don't wash my left hand.

[Christina P]

You know what? As a fellow disgusting human. Yeah, I'll take that. Cuz I do that too. When I piss and I wipe, I just wash my right hand. And then I don't even dry it off.

[Tom Segura]

People are always asking me, why don't you wash the other hand? Why am I wasting all that water and soap and everything? It's insane.

[Christina P]

I don't think does. Do you think there's a reason to wash both hands, Josh? I don't think there's a reason. I mean, the other hand kind of helps with the washing process. I feel like. No, otherwise you gotta do. Yeah, you gotta do one of those things. But I feel like that's not as thorough. I like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Sean gives me a lot of grief about it.

[Christina P]

About what?

[Tom Segura]

How I wash and when I wash. And he's like, did you just wash your right hand? And I go, yeah, that's the one I used.

[Christina P]

You're so vulgar and vile to your people that work with you too. You fart on them. You fart around them, by the way, too. You've been ramping up your farts production.

[Tom Segura]

This team has, like. They've stopped me multiple times and they're like, I like when you fart.

[Christina P]

Nobody likes nobody. Yeah, nobody likes nobody.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of the staff has told me it's awesome.

[Christina P]

You know what he's been doing too, in the house is when you fart, it's bad enough that you fart all the time. All the time. All the time. Now you lay on your back and you pull your legs in the air like the die dye. And you're only wearing underwear, no shirt, nothing else, just your panties. And then you rip them. And you do it in front of our children.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they like that.

[Christina P]

They do like it. But I told them, I said, don't do this in front of your.

[Tom Segura]

The kids like it, the staff loves it. That's fine.

[Christina P]

The staff does not like it.

[Tom Segura]

They do like it.

[Christina P]

Nobody likes it.

[Tom Segura]

All right, here we go.

[Christina P]

Nobody likes it.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what's that face? Diana.

[Christina P]

She didn't like it.

[Tom Segura]

I don't approve. What are you talking about? I've.

[Christina P]

I just think farts are a little disrespectful. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go.

[Christina P]

Wow. I agree. I have to be fair across the board because I always get a yell at any for farting. So is any just freely farting now?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Yeah, sometimes. I mean, that went from zero fart policy to all the time. Now that is crazy. He totally changed his tune with that.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Our opening clip is what I like to call enn's inner thoughts. Here we go.

[Any]

Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. I always lie to them right off. Rip. I'm broke. So soon as before they start the I'm broke. I'm unemployed now. Let's start right there. We can build on that.

[Christina P]

Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Holy gr. Welcome.

[Any]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom.

[Christina P]

Segura, mom Sagura and Christina pitsi.

[Any]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P]

House. You love your mom, Nathan. Sure you do.

[Any]

Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes.

[Tom Segura]

I love it. Yeah. I wish any was here so I could play his inner thoughts for him.

[Christina P]

Don't compliment that he's not here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but this guy's awesome. He's been giving out. He gives out unsolicited advice to other young men who are in the. In the field, you know, dating, trying to make it work with ladies. And he gives them just great advice.

[Any]

Why y'all being sweet to a and all kind and nice and trying to figure out and y'all trying to tell her what you think she want to hear. I tell that what she don't want to hear. Oh, you are replaceable. Replaceable than a. Because I'm him going on with you. You're replaceable.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Any]

You're not special. You're not unique. You can't count on me. I'm not reliable. You can't depend on me and I can't count on you and you're not reliable and I can't depend on you on. Bro.

[Tom Segura]

That's tight.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you though?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life. And it works. It works it with a certain type abroad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is their jam.

[Tom Segura]

They love it.

[Christina P]

They love it. Cuz they're like, maybe I can. I love you. Maybe I can change.

[Tom Segura]

How do I get approval? How do I get approval?

[Christina P]

How do I get the approval on game?

[Tom Segura]

Stop playing.

[Any]

Stop playing with me. Real. Real.

[Christina P]

That's what my dad does.

[Any]

Y Y'all. Y'all going about it wrong. Y'all being nice to the but what? What? What really get her going and get her juices flowing is you being hard on a.

[Christina P]

That's exactly my dad would say.

[Any]

Tell that you don't give two shits about no hoe. I don't give a about no.

[Tom Segura]

Yep, he does do that.

[Christina P]

My dad does this a th percent to the hoes. This is exactly how he Got wet.

[Tom Segura]

And probably like, this guy. Your dad's got numbers, man.

[Christina P]

Numbers. Yeah, I mean, I've seen him do it. Like, I've seen him be like, I. Come on, baby. I don't. I don't do this. Like, he. He'll just tell him straight up, nope, nope, nope. But they come back. You're right. They want more.

[Tom Segura]

So does that mean that someone like your dad, like, are they incapable of falling for someone? Do they ever fall for someone or that's just not even in there?

[Christina P]

They do. My father has, I think. But then they get bored and restless because real intimacy is not on the table. Like, it's not. They're not capable. And if there's a bump in the road, like, forget it, we're done. It's too much work. You're boring. Or it's too much work. It's either super boring or it's too much work and I don't want to do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

There's no long term. Wow. It's totally. That's horrible. Whoa. And then I tried to get his approval too, as his daughter, for years. You ever think about that game?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Wow. I'm so glad I didn't marry a guy like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know what I mean? Like, sure. I could have done that, Tommy. That could have been me.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you ain't shit.

[Christina P]

There you go. Oh, I like that.

[Tom Segura]

Ain't shit.

[Christina P]

That would put. That would be. It's too much.

[Tom Segura]

Too close to anal, I guess. Would this make you happy? That's how you get a bitch to give you that. Asshole for sure.

[Christina P]

By the way, now that I've had colonoscopy clean, the day is now. If we wanted to butt fuck. Because there's nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Let's say if we wanted to. We want to.

[Christina P]

There's nothing in there.

[Tom Segura]

We want to. And we're going to today.

[Christina P]

I just had the thing in my bee yesterday.

[Tom Segura]

That's fine.

[Christina P]

Aren't you not supposed to butt fuck after?

[Tom Segura]

No, no. The doctor said if you're going to butt fuck, do it in the next 48 hours.

[Christina P]

Do you think gay guys have cleaner bees than we do?

[Tom Segura]

I do. I think they empty themselves out more.

[Christina P]

Like, way more.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Enemas for sure. Remember how routine when we had we. We asked Pierce?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was just like, oh, yeah. You just kind of flush it with warm water. You go through the routine. It all comes out clear. Ready to rock.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What am I missing out on then?

[Tom Segura]

I guess you're missing out on a lot. We can figure it out today.

[Christina P]

The gay community, their asses are clean like that all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You want to hear another? Any inner thoughts?

[Christina P]

You'd love to.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Any]

They got all this trauma.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Any]

Let me tell you how men up, they get married, they move in with a. Yeah. These holes brainwash you into thinking that the only way you really gonna get treated right by them is if you run some paper. If you give them what the they want, you pay for their nails or pay for their rent and keep a roof over their head and pay their car note, take care of their kids whether they're yours or not. Think about the logic of this, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Any]

Most of these hoes ran through. They overweight. They. They not toned. They. They. They coochie all. No walls, no bottom. They. They got all this trauma in their life. They got all these exes, they got high body count. Listen to me. Yeah, they lazy, they selfish, they vain, they narcissist, they psychopath, they sociopath, they play the victim. They whine and cry.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Any]

Yeah, they moody going on. They cycle coming off their cycle, going through menopause. They all the same. Young all the way to old. I told my wife, she's tripping in this, that and the other. And I was like, so whatever you go, whatever you do, don't expect you to pour your weight. Dead ass.

[Tom Segura]

A real is dead ass. Hell yeah.

[Christina P]

Wife.

[Any]

I can't speak for all them and lames and cornies and goofies and green as and beta males. I can't speak for them.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Any]

I'm talking about a real. Don't expect you to pull your own way twin. That is not worth that. That is worth investing into to hit it. Hit it when you want it, hit it how you want it. Hit it as long as you wanted to tell that to leave. And then when she leave when you want her to leave. Now that's worth investing 100. My dad, all that other.

[Christina P]

This is spooky. This is spooky. My dad's a real nice. I didn't realize that I was raised by a strong black man. This is a thousand percent. Yeah, that's what my dad is crazy. Wait, did you hear the wife? He's like, I told my wife.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So he's married and he's doing all that? He's running game.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I mean that's just what he's talking about. He's not some beta goofy ass lame o green.

[Christina P]

Wow. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, this guy's radio God.

[Christina P]

Terrifying.

[Tom Segura]

I mean this is. Listen, if you're out there, if you're A young guy. If you're trying to like what's going on with the ladies, this is who I would listen to. This guy's gonna set you up for success.

[Christina P]

I mean, look, it's definitely a lane of courtship. Like, we've talked about this before with what's his name? Tom Blow me Up Tom. Yeah, he was an overweight radio DJ in Los Angeles.

[Tom Segura]

Tom.

[Christina P]

Like us Tom Lakis. And his whole thing too. Like, dump that bitch. Don't spend a dime.

[Tom Segura]

First date, he was like, take him to Burger King. Yeah, right. Yeah, like, bitch. This is all you're wor. It's super cool.

[Christina P]

It works with a certain type. Oh, how soon after a colonoscopy can I bottom. Yeah, really important. Can you read that? My eyes can't.

[Tom Segura]

Sure, sure. Literally, immediately. This actually might be the perfect time because you're as cleaned out as you can ever be.

[Christina P]

But I was thinking. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Someone says you couldn't be more right. Listen, we are trying this tonight. We're trying.

[Christina P]

Well, I'm a little worried now because.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, hold on. There's no worries.

[Christina P]

I haven't made a brown yet since my colonoscopy. Like, how long before I make a brown?

[Tom Segura]

You got a while. You got a while. You got a while. Stop looking stuff up.

[Christina P]

We're going to try it, guys. Mother's Day is just around the corner. Speaking of awesome fathers, fathers that are real ends, what about the moms that are real out there? Get them the Perfect for my lipstick by Christina P. That's me. Go to christinap.com you can get all four for the absolutely perfect Mother's Day gift. Buy it now so that it gets there in time.

[Tom Segura]

Get that real something for her day. You know, tell that thank you.

[Christina P]

Tell that I thank a bitch. I'm wearing Berlin today more than anyone else. First, you're probably wrong.

[Tom Segura]

Second, there's an easy fix for smelly flatulence.

[Christina P]

I'm Dr. Tricia Pastricha and I'm a.

[Tom Segura]

Gastroenterologist and an instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And here's how to avoid offending people with an ill timed fart. Real legitimate GI studies have found that farting anywhere from 10 to 20 times per day is not normal. 99% of our intestinal gas is made of odorless gases like nitrogen, methane, carbon dioxide. But 1% contains sulfur.

[Christina P]

And it's that sulfur containing gas that.

[Tom Segura]

Makes farts smell so bad.

[Christina P]

That's your farts. So if you're worried about smelly flatulence.

[Tom Segura]

Before a High risk social event.

[Christina P]

Take a medication like bismuth salicylate or Pepto Bismol.

[Tom Segura]

These have been shown to reduce 95%.

[Christina P]

Of sulfide containing gases and reduce symptoms of flatulence.

[Tom Segura]

There is some concern about salicylate toxicity.

[Christina P]

If you take it regularly in the long term.

[Tom Segura]

But if you're just trying to ease.

[Christina P]

Your social discomfort for a day or.

[Tom Segura]

Two, by all means, take a dose by mouth up to four times a day beforehand.

[Christina P]

You might want to try this before a long flight.

[Tom Segura]

It's elementary physics. As altitude increases, air pressure, including intestinal air pressure falls.

[Christina P]

So your intestinal gas has to expand.

[Tom Segura]

And at that point, there's really only.

[Christina P]

One place for it to go.

[Tom Segura]

It's why everybody's gassier on an airplane.

[Christina P]

Who do you know who needs to hear this? We've been talking about this for ages. Why you get fartier on the flight Plane farts. It's confirmed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Also, your farts do smell very sulfuric because you eat a lot of eggs. Yeah, they do. Your farts smell horrible. And because we've been together for 20 years now, I know your smells. Like, I know how they smell.

[Tom Segura]

Sniff that one.

[Christina P]

Like. I bet if we. Okay, hear me out. If we did this as a game.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I don't know if I would be open to it. If we had everybody fart into a film container and then I were to smell like. Open it and smell it, I bet you I could identify my husband's fart.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Christina P]

Yeah, just on the smells alone.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think the staff's pretty excited about this. You guys ready to do that?

[Christina P]

Hell, yeah. Tanner's up for it. I know Tanner's a guy. Nana's down. Yeah, Nana's down.

[Tom Segura]

You. You're down to fart Nana.

[Christina P]

I'm good.

[Tom Segura]

I'm good. She's not.

[Christina P]

She does fart here. I've seen it.

[Tom Segura]

You've seen her?

[Christina P]

No. She has this particular corner in the garage where she goes. Really? Yeah, There's a sign in there. It says ne's Fart Corner. Wow, that's.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's nice to know.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I smell like a gutter on Bourbon street in July after I work out. And you deserve freedom from sweat and stink. Cremo's deodorant is designed to provide men with 48 hour odor protection. Crema products are all barber grade and made with pride, professionalism and passion. To guarantee you quality without compromise, elevate your deodorant experience with Cremo's two latest signature scents, Italian Bergano is bright, fresh, and robust, showcasing notes of bergno neroli blossom and fresh vetiver. Palo Santo is deep, smoky, and refined, featuring notes of palo santo, bright cardano, and dry papyrus. It's absolutely fantastic smelling. I have their deodorant, I have their body wash, and now I smell delightful. And you are welcome to see me in person and take a whiff. Cremo also offers a wide range of other grooming products for men, including shave cream, beard oil, and shampoo. Head to target target.com to find Cremo's new line of antiperspirants and deodorants in the Italian bergamo and palo santo scents. Once again, that's Target or target dot com.

[Christina P]

You know, we've been. I've been asking other friends that we have married friends, whether or not they. Their husband rips and blows ass in front of them. Not a lot do. Not a lot do. Honestly, like, not a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Who says yes?

[Christina P]

Well, I can tell you the trestles don't blow ass in front of each other. Duncan and Aaron, I'm sure they'd be okay with me sharing that. They don't. I kind of wanna. I don't want to out people, but okay. Shawna and Jimmy are very close. My best friend since forever. They rip ass in front of each other.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Good.

[Christina P]

They've been together forever, too. Like, we have love.

[Tom Segura]

I see it real life.

[Christina P]

All the other couples that we're friends with. Doesn't happen. It's disrespect. It doesn't happen.

[Tom Segura]

I don't believe that.

[Christina P]

So, Josh, do you fart in front of your lady? Oh, yeah. 100. But if she does, I shame her hardcore. Because that's disgusting. So toxic. That's like that real end. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you got to do it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Check this out, by the way. I'm so fascinated by this.

[Christina P]

Check this out.

[Tom Segura]

The original. You know what I'm saying? The original video of RPC is here. Right? Black guys love to and good. If you're a hot black guy and you want to me at 23.95. If you can see where he's laying.

[Christina P]

And all that stuff, the Christmas decorations.

[Tom Segura]

He just put up a new video. Look, I'm looking for guys that want to man you out there guys. 2395 Wagner house is partly 2C. Build 18.

[Christina P]

He's ramped up.

[Tom Segura]

Don't do what you want to do, man. That's right. 23 Wagner House is partly 2 SE. Build 18.

[Christina P]

He's.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing he got so excited. He's stumbling over it.

[Christina P]

Yeah. He's fired up again.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He's back into it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. I'm looking for guys who want to fuck, man. So cool. He has never wavered from who he is. That's my favorite thing about rpc.

[Christina P]

And the real question is, has he ever found those guys who like to fucking fuck good. Do they ever come over? Has he ever had it happen?

[Tom Segura]

There's got to be someone.

[Christina P]

Got to be one.

[Tom Segura]

What? Somebody. 2395 Wagner House is probably 18.

[Christina P]

So many years. Somebody has to have taken up on.

[Tom Segura]

This is over a decade of this. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And if you haven't. Can somebody please.

[Tom Segura]

I would be up if it were me. I would be so sad if I had put out this.

[Christina P]

This campaign for years.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, who's come over? Like, no one's ever come over. Yeah. If you go to a bar and you just ask people out. So eventually someone says yes.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, there's got to be some percentage of yes.

[Christina P]

But then again, you know, his criterion is a little. He does like black guys who like to fudge and fudge good.

[Tom Segura]

You have to be able to fuck good. Just fuck.

[Christina P]

Just. Are you out of jail?

[Tom Segura]

He's just saying it's open to anything.

[Christina P]

To any black guy. So all it is is a black guy.

[Tom Segura]

And Latinos.

[Christina P]

He says Latinos and Latinas. So black and Latino. That's a. There's a lot of those.

[Tom Segura]

And he lives in a black and Latino neighborhood.

[Christina P]

Predominantly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I mean, it's just.

[Tom Segura]

I went there, you know, I remember.

[Christina P]

I can't believe you went there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we went there during the day.

[Christina P]

Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. We were like. People like, what are you guys making? We were like, we should wrap this up.

[Christina P]

Do you remember how you felt like when you walked into his apartment for the first time?

[Tom Segura]

I didn't. I didn't walk in. He didn't answer.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We rang the buzzer and he didn't answer.

[Christina P]

And then how did you get to talk to him?

[Tom Segura]

Eventually he came. Visited me. Oh, yeah. In my. My unit.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

We. And we just had a good time.

[Christina P]

Yeah. He pay you?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It was pretty rugian. You almost swallowed it there.

[Tom Segura]

I don't. I didn't almost swallow it.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You're really into these rugies.

[Tom Segura]

My ruggies are awesome.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You know what? You should sew a rugie pocket in your jackets from now on. That's how much you love those rugies. A dedicated rugie pocket.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. Pretty Cool.

[Christina P]

What flavor are you into right now? What are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

This is experiment. Experiment.

[Christina P]

And you got your whole crew into them now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Everybody's on the rugies.

[Christina P]

Yeah, everybody's into the room.

[Tom Segura]

I'm converting people too.

[Christina P]

You are?

[Tom Segura]

I've also had people who are like, oh, I do another brand and I'm like, try the rooies out.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Rogue.

[Christina P]

Rogue rookies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, my rogue rookies. Dang. Look so much better for you.

[Christina P]

It is so much better for you. I'm glad to see RPC's back at it. And he's so horny. Isn't there an age where this decreases? Like, do you think he's at that point where the testosterone.

[Tom Segura]

This is probably decreased for him. This is a. It took him years to put up another one of these.

[Christina P]

We played the first video Josh wrote on the board here seven years ago. Seven.

[Tom Segura]

That year that had some age on it already. Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

Maybe a decade of this at least. Call. Yeah. And he's still so horny. And he looks exactly the same. He looks great.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah.

[Christina P]

Officer come dump looks amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Officer come dump here. Yeah.

[Christina P]

He never ages. RPC never ages. He just looks great. He's so horny. He's so fired up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Christina P]

I wish I had an ounce of this. Fired up.

[Tom Segura]

The total pig.

[Christina P]

Total pig.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Total pig off the come dump is obviously comes up, likes it wild, dirty and filthy. That's right, Officer come jump or take it like a man. I will bend down and you could bang me as you were. Fair as you can. That's right, Officer come dump here. That's right. Waiting for you hardcore guys. Call me a call. You need reaction. You need things. Let me take off my glasses and let me see. I'm talking to take out his glasses. Yeah. That was cool.

[Christina P]

Oh, there he is. Looks great.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow. The. The. It's all. It's gone. He's silver fox now.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it looks great on him. And look at all the hats in the background.

[Tom Segura]

King Donald Duck, Orange man. Trump must be impeached now. He cut. He cut. Sec 8 snap. For people who can't survive on what they make. And also school lunch and breakfast and food banks. He wants the rich to live in, poor to die. Vance and Musk has to go as well. I didn't realize he was so politically involved.

[Christina P]

He is now.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Is this older? Recent? Recent. Yeah. Yeah. All countries in Middle East. No gas or fuel or food products or produce for America and Trump Canada. Turn off electric to America.

[Christina P]

Quite a dissertation.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Yeah. He's really fired up. And I didn't think that Officer Cum Dump would be that.

[Christina P]

No, no. He usually keeps it just to the neighborhood. You know, he talks about his stuff at Coney island, but I would think.

[Tom Segura]

Officer Cum dump just talks about come, come and. And.

[Christina P]

But that's where you're wrong, Thomas.

[Tom Segura]

But office come talking about Palestine and. And the economy.

[Christina P]

He's multifaceted and I think what you're seeing is he's developed as a talent. He's gone creatively into different areas. What do you think all those hats are?

[Tom Segura]

I like that necklace, Robert.

[Christina P]

No, it looks good on.

[Tom Segura]

It looks good. Oh, wow.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

This is.

[Christina P]

This is. Oh, oh, right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a lot of his posts.

[Christina P]

He's a cat guy too.

[Tom Segura]

Look just like me cats him naked black eyes.

[Christina P]

Hey, I like all the same things he likes, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, true cats. Oh, George Foreman.

[Christina P]

George Foreman.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Was that a rest in peace for George? Is that what that was like? Yeah, yeah. That's when he died. Yeah. It doesn't really fit the other looks.

[Christina P]

I'm sure he hooked up with George Foreman. You know, he's hooked up with everybody. He knows everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Remember that he likes Michael B. Jordan. That's a few times we've seen him posted. Oh, look at white guy. Oh, that's wild.

[Christina P]

He likes some beefy.

[Tom Segura]

He likes beefy guys.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look at those two black eyes.

[Christina P]

And there he is with his face mask. That's what chicks do. They like to show themselves in face. They're like, oh my God, I'm so ugly. Giggling right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Stop. Oh, there he is. He's always rubbing his chest. Rubbing his tits. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So with the face mask on.

[Christina P]

Come old man.

[Tom Segura]

A creamy Oliver. That's half. Hey guys. Man, you want to do my face? Man, you want a creamy old.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's what it is. He's showing you that you come on his face. That's what he's using that for.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Christina P]

Can I ask you though, when you're aroused, do are you rubbing your chest like that?

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't usually do that.

[Christina P]

It's like a girl thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Rubbing your tits and everything. No, I'm not like.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well there you go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, look at the black guy in his sweater. You like black guys and sweaters.

[Tom Segura]

O, there's a cop cop hat on that guy. That's pretty cool. Yeah, those are some beefy nipples he's got too.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Dude, this is a hardcore.

[Tom Segura]

Every cat deserves a home. Yeah, but not every Home deserves a cat.

[Christina P]

True. And he likes orange cats, too, Just like me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude. Wow. A lot of similarities. Yeah, a lot of similarities.

[Christina P]

I get him. I get him.

[Tom Segura]

Damn, that's an aggressive photo.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Christina P]

That's a big tit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's a big old tit dude. Yeah, well, he's definitely got a type. He never swayed from that either.

[Christina P]

Nope. He's consistent. If nothing, but consistent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Happy spring.

[Tom Segura]

Happy Spring. Here's some cats. You want to see.

[Christina P]

That's the thing. Is the. Is the. Is the. What's the word? Just the spread of interest. Like it's Happy Spring, and then hardcore black guys and cats.

[Tom Segura]

Human beings are complicated. We're not all just one thing.

[Christina P]

It's true. I don't want to paint him with one.

[Tom Segura]

There's that big tit again. Same guys.

[Christina P]

Same guy. Oh, even nine lives weren't enough with you? I agree. Special orange boys are so special. I know. I love the orange guys.

[Tom Segura]

Another George Foreman.

[Christina P]

And like, who is he taking? Are these stock photos or are these people?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think he knows them.

[Christina P]

He's just googling hot black guys and then putting them up on his Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, and then there's Snoopy.

[Tom Segura]

So I just wish one of these guys would go over there once.

[Christina P]

I know. Have you had sex with Robert Paul Champagne? Let us know. There's got to be somebody out there.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I thought you were asking me.

[Christina P]

I would like to ask you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If you have, that'd be awesome. If you reached out to us and let us know.

[Christina P]

Somebody fuck him. I have to pee really bad.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Drink a lot of water.

[Tom Segura]

All right, go for it. And I guess. What is this? What is what? It's a camera.

[Christina P]

I pissed, but I didn't piss water out of my butt at the same time.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, that's why your butt's ready for that ding dong.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, we saw the. The Minecraft movie.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it was so cute.

[Tom Segura]

A year ago, we visited the set. I took our oldest, Ellis, to visit the set, and it was awesome. And then we got to actually see the movie, which was great. It was a great.

[Christina P]

It was such a good movie.

[Tom Segura]

Super entertaining.

[Christina P]

They really served the children who play this game.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

And then the odd adult that was in the theater where you're like, yeah, shouldn't be in here.

[Tom Segura]

The solo adult who's like, that's right. The underworld is right.

[Christina P]

The Enderman. The Enderman. Jason Momoa was amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Netherite. You wouldn't be able to mimoa's hilarious.

[Christina P]

So funny. And Jack Black, Fantastic job. It was a really good movie. They did such a good job. Yeah, it was really fun. The boys loved it. We loved it. Look at him. I love the outfits they put on these people. Jason has. I love his pink jacket.

[Tom Segura]

He had an awesome.

[Christina P]

So funny. I didn't know he could do comedy. Oh, he got good timing.

[Tom Segura]

He's got great chops, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it was a really good movie.

[Tom Segura]

He played such a. A dummy. That guy was just a big dummy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it was really funny. Really funny.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Take your kids to see this. I think if they're into the Minecraft.

[Tom Segura]

I wore that wig. I have a photo of me in that wig.

[Christina P]

It's a really good wig. It looks like it could be his hair. Yeah, it's rad. He's. How big is he in real life?

[Tom Segura]

He's big as. He's so big. He's like 6, 4, 2, 35. And he's like, Jesus. Yeah, he's a house man. Yeah. When you're. When you're like, oh, man, this guy's. Most actors, too, are tiny when you meet them. You know, this dude's. Yeah, he's huge.

[Christina P]

Did he start as like, a. An athlete before he was an actor?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, he got discovered pretty young because he was on one of the iterations of Baywatch, you know, really just this, like, Hawaiian kid. And. Yeah, he started.

[Christina P]

Look at his dreads.

[Tom Segura]

19, living in Honolulu. Yeah. So, yeah, he was always pretty active, though. Like, he loves mountain climbing, you know, like, rock climbing and stuff. He's really good at it. So he was always active with that.

[Christina P]

And he was in Game of Thrones. He was banging the Khaleesi.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's what propelled him into. I think Baywatch is, like a step into the world of acting. But that's what made him really well known.

[Christina P]

I mean, nobody's built like that guy. Holy mackerel.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's. He's half German, half Hawaiian.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look at him as a. Genetics are pretty nutty. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. That's wild, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What a.

[Christina P]

What a career. What a life. What a fun movie, though. He did such a great job.

[Tom Segura]

Great job. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That was rad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What was I going to.

[Christina P]

There was a. So I took the boys to see Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, the musical here. And there was, like, adults watching it alone without kids, which is so weird. And then when we did the Patty.

[Tom Segura]

That's even weirder.

[Christina P]

No, it gets even weirder when we were in London. I took them to the Paddington Bear experience.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

There were grown ups there, too, without kids. I'm like, what? But then I realized they weren't just any grownups. They were low IQ adults.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

No, it's true.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

They were low iq. I'm not saying they were.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm saying that they were on the cusp. On the border. Like, there was.

[Tom Segura]

Just above the line.

[Christina P]

Huh. And like, because there's. There was this one part of the Paddington Bear experience where you go into the kitchen. There's like, you know, the family kitchen. And like the one adult that was alone, this guy, this low IQ adult.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He was like, picking up the fake phone. Yeah. It was in that room. There's like a fake phone. And he was like, like really laughing and pretending and, like, putting together the screws.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's definitely low iq.

[Christina P]

That's not necessarily our word, but low iq. And I'm noticing that more now as an adult.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think there's low IQ adults that are.

[Christina P]

It's very good, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Lower IQ than an actual person with, like, downs? I think so.

[Christina P]

I think.

[Tom Segura]

No, there's. There's. Except there are exceptionally bright people.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Just have downs.

[Christina P]

Exactly, exactly. And, like, they can do.

[Tom Segura]

Somebody just graduated law school.

[Christina P]

Shut the up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yes.

[Christina P]

Which law school?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, like something online. Hey, stop. It's pretty cool that they did it.

[Christina P]

No, it's amazing. I didn't graduate from law school. Okay, so then to be diagnosed as having mental retardation, a person must have an IQ below 70 to 75.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying.

[Christina P]

No, I know. So like a low IQ adult. What would a low IQ adult.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you got it right there.

[Christina P]

But not necessarily downs, because this guy at Paddington bear averages about 50.

[Tom Segura]

Right. But some. Some people are well above that with downs.

[Christina P]

So. Wait a minute, Genius. Downs people?

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, they're exceptional.

[Christina P]

That's rad. I bet my IQ is an exceptional Downs person.

[Tom Segura]

Look, scores of 120 have been found in some people with syndrome. That's my point. That there's exceptional people in that. That fall into that category. Look up this person that just honestly, that just.

[Christina P]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Graduated law school. There's somebody with downs who just graduated law school.

[Christina P]

That is. I did not know that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm a low IQ adult. Dang.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Wow. That's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

She's a.

[Christina P]

Now the question is, do you want her to represent you?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, I'm sure she's gonna be Hired by a practice that, like, puts her in a position where they can utilize some skill set of hers. They're not just going to be like, hey, you run the firm.

[Christina P]

You know, maybe she represents other people down.

[Tom Segura]

That's what she says. She wants to practice the disability law.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That lady's not wearing the right bra.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you this right now. 100 for sure. She's smarter than me. I couldn't do this.

[Christina P]

I dropped out of law school after two weeks.

[Tom Segura]

It was too hard. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And if she went to the same. If she's learning the same law I did.

[Tom Segura]

If you were going to hire one of the three of us as a lawyer, she's the one. She's the one.

[Christina P]

I didn't pass the bar. No.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty. Pretty incredible.

[Christina P]

That's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know, now that I don't. I have breast cancer, I always look at other people's tits a lot. Even more now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, you see that woman behind her? So that's a raw. She needs a. The right bra. That's not a big. That's not supportive at all.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Christina P]

That tit looks terrible.

[Tom Segura]

That tit doesn't look right.

[Christina P]

She needs to put right. Nana Niana knows which. What I'm talking about. It's too droopy.

[Tom Segura]

Droopy tits. Well, we got the biggest story that's come out of this show in the last couple months. This is pretty crazy.

[Christina P]

Is it though? I feel like we saw this.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Well, I thought we were going as deep as it could go last week with our update with him, which was all chaos, but of course it's hit new levels. On my way to the hospital, get checked out just to make sure everything's okay, you know, smart thing to do. I'm standing, I'm walking, and everything's going good. These guys are taking real good care of me. I'm in the ambulance now and, you know, just making sure everything's okay.

[Christina P]

And hopefully.

[Tom Segura]

Hopefully everything will be okay.

[Christina P]

And standing and walking just fine.

[Tom Segura]

Just making sure everything's okay.

[Christina P]

We got.

[Tom Segura]

He got into a brawl with those two guys, the landlords. My. My foot was cut too. You guys can check it out. Oh, dear. So I'm just getting everything checked out, you know, just so my foot don't get infected, you know, just making sure everything's okay. It's standing, locking just fine. So hopefully everything will be okay. Tony, my pajamas. Here, ladies, man. Worker, worker. Every day, everybody.

[Christina P]

Is he in an ambulance? Why is he strapped in first.

[Tom Segura]

Safety.

[Christina P]

Craziness.

[Tom Segura]

Craziness is what it is, you know. So on my way to hospital. So Scott, Scott and James attacked him. He said those are the guys that were changing the locks. So now he's. His mission last night, as of this recording, was to get back into his place. But they changed the locks on him.

[Christina P]

Right, we saw that last night.

[Tom Segura]

We saw that. So here's how he's. He has a mission going. Okay. So it's pretty crazy. The. The cop on Sunday morning told me that I.

[Christina P]

If I wanted to, you know, and.

[Tom Segura]

I need to get in the building and the owner, you know, cannot give me keys, and the landlord cannot give me keys that I can, you know, break into the building. Yeah, you know, I gotta get into my building. You know, I got a candle burning. I gotta do what I gotta do.

[Christina P]

A candle burn.

[Tom Segura]

He's got a candle burning in his place, so. Oh. So what he's doing is he's he. Sledgehammer. There's a door. Nobody's letting me in. There's a sledge off to the side. I'm gonna now be entering the building. I'm not a violent dude. I just have to get my items.

[Christina P]

It's a bad charge.

[Tom Segura]

The candle. Yes. Candle was burning. Worker, worker, workers, man. You know, it's just how it goes, man. I understand what he's. He's deal dealing with there.

[Christina P]

Breaking in with a sledgehammer. Not a good one.

[Tom Segura]

So then he goes out. He went out after that. He's at a sports bar. Tony, you're getting arrested, dude. That's up. Damn. Tony. Good. That's up. Yo, Free Tony, man. Free Tony, man. Autograph man.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dog.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What the hell? Where?

[Christina P]

Out there.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you got me. Damn, bro. Oh, good luck, bro. This guy. Yo, officers. Have a good one.

[Christina P]

Damn, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

I love that he recognized him. Of course, Tony is now a huge celebrity.

[Tom Segura]

So he got. He went to jail.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then about an hour later, Hear me out. Auror New York just got arrested an hour ago. And this is why I love. This is why I love New York. Yeah, I got arrested an hour ago and I'm now released. And why I got arrested was because I ended up blowing down my. My landlord's door, the building door, just because he. He wouldn't let me in.

[Christina P]

He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't give me any keys.

[Tom Segura]

So I got arrested an hour ago and I'm back in the bar. I'm a free man.

[Any]

I'm walking, baby.

[Christina P]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

We out here in New York, baby. Bell reform back on the streets an hour later. There we go, watching the game. Florida. Florida, baby. Come on, let's go. Worker. Worker.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's the same guy.

[Christina P]

There's a fan. Yeah. That was awesome that he met him later. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You got to see the end of the game which is really important.

[Christina P]

That's all important. An hour later, he's out. I mean here's the deal too. Is like he's just like, what? They just won't let me in, dude. Like they took away my keys. Like there's no other side to that story.

[Tom Segura]

You think he could be a lawyer? You think he.

[Christina P]

No, you're right. Between the downs lawyer and Tony Johns, who's. I rest my case, your honor. Yeah, I love that it's full circle with the fan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That he's drinking with that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. Yeah. The guy's gonna get his autograph now. Super important.

[Christina P]

Good for Tony. Look, I'm glad he got out an hour. We were worried that it was going to escalate to him ending up in jail. And I don't want him to go to prison. This is this.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I knew this jail was in the prospects. Yeah. The what Scott and James, the landlords need to do.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They need to hire full time security.

[Christina P]

You need a security guard for your Saskatoon business.

[Tom Segura]

We can have a security guard available 24 7. We can supply a security guard for your lock compound 24 hours a day.

[Christina P]

For your construction projects or your construction project business watched overnight. We can do short term security or long term security.

[Tom Segura]

Send me a message and let's get.

[Christina P]

You a security guard. Let's get you a security.

[Tom Segura]

I mean when I think of a secure place.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I see this guy, I'm like, hire him, tough guy.

[Christina P]

He's cracking skulls.

[Tom Segura]

Experienced.

[Christina P]

Excuse me. You can't come in here. Why not? Keep your private property.

[Tom Segura]

Hands clasped. Looking for a security guard. Protects your compound or something, I guess. Give me a call. Send me a dm.

[Christina P]

Get out of here. You. You get out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Do you not see my badge?

[Christina P]

Yeah. This is not very intimidating.

[Tom Segura]

Excellent. Excellent.

[Christina P]

Not very intimidating.

[Tom Segura]

See, if I were him, I would have outsourced the.

[Christina P]

The commercial.

[Tom Segura]

The commercials.

[Christina P]

You know who you hire? A guy that looks like Jason Momoa.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly.

[Christina P]

And you're like, what the dude?

[Tom Segura]

And then you at least think that that's who you're hiring.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy needs to hire an actor. That's what actors are for. Guys. Come on.

[Tom Segura]

Come on. Okay.

[Christina P]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

I got some funny stuff to show you.

[Christina P]

Oh, I love it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go.

[Christina P]

Let's go. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

What the dude, he was. I think he was aim. He was trying to do the shoulder, and he actually hit him here, which means he. He knocked him out.

[Christina P]

Can I. Can I tell you something? I can see our sons doing dumb like this in 10 years.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina P]

This is what dumb boy. This is what boys do.

[Tom Segura]

He completely missed the shoulder.

[Christina P]

What do you think he's trying to read? Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And he hits him in the neck. And he knocks him out. No. Yeah. Side of the face, neck. Wow.

[Christina P]

That guy's dead, right? Yeah, unconscious.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty horrible, guys.

[Christina P]

Thanks for sharing.

[Tom Segura]

This is gonna go well. They never know when to let go.

[Christina P]

Never.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude, I knew that was coming. You let go on the way out, you stupid.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you get the feeling. You have to feel that, dude. He does. He's got no rhythm. You got to feel that. Let's watch it again. What country is so he up, homie? This looks like Europe.

[Tom Segura]

He's drunk. Of course it's Europe.

[Christina P]

Eastern Europe, if I'm betting my tribe. Yes, Croatia, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Let go right there now.

[Christina P]

And he's drunk. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Holy man ribs back. So lucky it wasn't head.

[Christina P]

But he's drunk, so he's drunk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's fine.

[Christina P]

He might be okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I could see them doing this in Hungary, too. Like, at the bullets. They just put like a. What is that a crane?

[Tom Segura]

Being a cunt to the horse. Oh.

[Christina P]

I hate horses. This is why I hate them. This is exactly why I hate horses.

[Tom Segura]

That was direct to the Dome.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, horses.

[Tom Segura]

She could be a low IQ individual for sure, dude.

[Christina P]

She's. She's passing the bar exam right now.

[Tom Segura]

Right from the Dome, this horse. Oh, you.

[Christina P]

Can I say something? I normally I defend the animal, but in this case, I bet you that horse is a real.

[Tom Segura]

She said it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you're a horse, cuz Horse. Horse girls are super nice. Horse girls are all about that life. They love animals. So for this woman to be like you horse. Yeah, this horse sucks, dude.

[Tom Segura]

This horse does suck. And the horse lets you know that you suck too, dude. Oh, you overshot it. That was a human cannonball thing. Like, this is also definitely not in the States. There's no way.

[Christina P]

I think it is. I'm gonna go for really south. Yeah, dude, because look at the backpack. That's like a military American backpack. Where is it?

[Tom Segura]

John say all new burger.

[Christina P]

No, this is America. This could be the South. This is like.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, Riverside.

[Christina P]

Oh, Riverside, California.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What's up?

[Tom Segura]

He shattered his ribs and has a lacerated liver. Of course.

[Christina P]

That's Riverside.

[Tom Segura]

And boom.

[Christina P]

Oh, I'm sure he has health insurance. I'm sure they give it to him. Yeah. How much do you think you get paid to shoot yourself out of a cannon at the Riverside County Fair?

[Tom Segura]

Sixteen bucks.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You do it for love of the game.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure. That's passion there. That's love.

[Christina P]

This guy's. And paralyzed.

[Tom Segura]

I wanted to bring about something that I am always amazed by. Pajiski effects. But when we were together in London and we went out, we were in a store somewhere.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It blew your mind. I didn't know that was real at the time, that there's something called a spring jacket.

[Christina P]

I had no idea that there was an item called a spring jacket, meaning an item like a. A jacket you would just wear in the springtime. Because to me, that seems so wasteful. Like, why would I buy a jacket just for spring? I didn't even.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever heard, like, the expression a light jacket?

[Christina P]

But that's what I thought it was. So I thought there was a light jacket and then like a winter coat. Well, there are, but then a spring jacket. Are there summer jackets? Yeah, I know there's a winter coat.

[Tom Segura]

No, there's summer jackets.

[Christina P]

No, I. And I. I'm learning that for the first time, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

There's a summer. A summer jacket.

[Tom Segura]

Summer jackets usually just, you know, they have less lining, they breathe easier. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Did not know this, that there was a spring jacket. Never in my.

[Tom Segura]

Never thought that there were jackets for different seasons.

[Christina P]

Only a winter coat.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. There's only winter coats.

[Christina P]

Because that makes sense to me. You should get a winter coat. A spring. Can I tell you honestly, a spring jacket sounds superfluous. It sounds unnecessary. Like, why can't you just put on a sweater? It's like a waste of money to buy a spring jacket.

[Tom Segura]

Got it.

[Christina P]

So when the guy told me, this is a spring jacket, I saw your.

[Tom Segura]

Brain just short circuit. I watched it. You were like, whoa, whoa, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? And he was like, for spring.

[Christina P]

I had no idea that. But to be fair, I think. Nayana, didn't you not know that too? Or was it Heather?

[Tom Segura]

I have no idea.

[Christina P]

See, I didn't really know either. I just kind of go, it's a jacket or it's a coat. Right. That's for.

[Tom Segura]

That's all you need to know.

[Christina P]

That's a rich person. Like a real bougie thing. Yes. I never heard of it. Cuz we never had this growing up. No way. A spring Jackie, it. No, it's too bougie for me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Now I'm all about it, though. I, I, I understand.

[Tom Segura]

Gotcha.

[Christina P]

You knew this the whole time?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Christina P]

Why didn't you tell me, dude?

[Tom Segura]

I didn't think I had to.

[Christina P]

Why don't you tell me? We're married for 20 years, you never tell me.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't, I didn't think it took.

[Christina P]

You, it took you about 15 years to tell me. It's not a sun visor. It's just a visor.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it never came up. Honestly, if, if it had come up earlier, I would have. Yeah.

[Christina P]

The other day, you let me walk around with food in my teeth. I was smiling like a donkey with lettuce in my teeth. You don't. You need to look out for me, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I look out for you. What are you talking about?

[Christina P]

Not on these things.

[Tom Segura]

And the spring jacket thing never came up. I was never, I've never had an instance where I could have been like, oh, you know, it's a spring jacket.

[Christina P]

Do you know you got to educate me on like, civilized people. But I mean, you know, I don't know these things.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right.

[Christina P]

By the way, I'm just seeing. I, I told you this, but I thought this is funny to share. I'm relearning Hungarian.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Because, like, I don't know, dude. I just think it's. Whatever, it's time. And because I spoke Hungarian before I spoke English, and then I lost it because my parents, once we came to America were like, oh, no, no, we're American. You, this language. You don't speak this anymore. So I'm relearning it, and it's fascinating because apparently all the things I thought were just exclusive to my family being an. Like, we were, I thought we were just, it's cultural.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're like, you are all.

[Christina P]

And that's what I'm learning from my Hungarian tutor. She's like, oh, no, that's just. You're just being Hungarian. And I was like, that blew my mind.

[Tom Segura]

Give me an example.

[Christina P]

Okay, so first of all, So I was, I asked. We, we're learning basic things, like, how do you ask for a coffee? Set it. Nick. Ed. Cait. Set it, Nick Ed. Cait. I would like coffee. Okay. And I go, well, what if I went to like, a Starbucks and they say like, may I please have a coffee? And she's like, no, you don't. You don't say please. I'm like, what? There's no need to say please. Overly polite. Why would you say please? They don't say please when you're, like, ordering from another human being. Even, like, little things like, you know, hand me. Hand me that book. I was like, can you say please? Like, if I say it to my husband, sweetie, please have me legit. Legit. She's like, that's too much. You don't need to say please. Just say, hand me the book.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's so cool. Right?

[Tom Segura]

And she said that, like, all the.

[Christina P]

Cursing is normal culture, standard issue and all the stuff that. Yes, they curse like sailors. Everything is buzzmag. This, that, your mother's. This, you did it. And that's, like, so normal. And we would say it in, you know, tutoring and also, too, you see.

[Tom Segura]

In the tutoring sessions because it's totally cultural. Okay.

[Christina P]

And even, like, it's so up because, like, these phrases I would hear all the time as a kid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, other dead shift, like, hand me a beer. Like, my dad would tell me that all the time. Like, go get me a beer. Go get me a beer. Like, I knew that right away.

[Tom Segura]

Get me a beer.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't say please, did he?

[Christina P]

No. Please.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Legit sea vish. No. Just do this.

[Tom Segura]

Do it.

[Christina P]

So culturally, we're dicks. It's very. But it's actually very liberating because I'm like. I just thought I was kind of an.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, why am I so rude? And. And because you've told me before, you're like, hey, dude, you need to camouflage your face. People can tell if you don't like them. Can you? You know, do you remember you've told.

[Tom Segura]

Me, looking out for you.

[Christina P]

You're looking out for me. Thank you. But I didn't realize. It's just. She's like, yeah, you're Eastern European. That's what they are. And I'm like, oh, it's such a relief. You know?

[Tom Segura]

Smile. Smile like a donkey.

[Christina P]

You do not smile. And you don't laugh or smile unless there's, like, a real reason. And you're not friendly to people in public. Like, if someone just starts talking to you, they're like, what the.

[Tom Segura]

Well, do you remember that there was, like, that clip you. I think you shared it with me. Where it was a guy on the streets in Moscow.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, would you like to be happy to, like, all these different Russians? They're like, no.

[Christina P]

Off. Get out of my face.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want happiness? And they're like, get out of here.

[Christina P]

Get out of here. No.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody said, no.

[Christina P]

No. Yeah, we're very friendly people. The Americans, the English. Western Europe is way front. Not all of them.

[Tom Segura]

The friends. That kind of counts. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Germans are kind of abrupt, too, but Eastern European, 100. Like, you're encouraged to kind of be a dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I asked her too. I was like, is that because of communism? Like, did the Russians crush our joy? Like, prior to that, were we like, nice? She's like, no, it's Eastern European. It's just with these.

[Tom Segura]

Just how it is. The.

[Christina P]

There's no please. You don't say please.

[Tom Segura]

Our youngest asked me yesterday or the day before. He goes, you've been doing Italian now for a while. Do you speak Italian? I was like, I mean, better than I used to. He's like, but you don't. You're not, like, perfect.

[Christina P]

No, stupid.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, why do you keep doing it? I'm like, because I like it. I like trying to. Yeah. He's like, you keep doing this Italian. I was like, yeah, I'm trying, man. So I guess Zolo told me. I guess we played this guy a few years ago and there's an update. So you're gonna kind of recognize maybe the old image of him that's in this clip. And then there's nothing better than jail videos, right?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So here's. Here's what's going on.

[Any]

My name is Jason Vukovich, and for those of you that are new to.

[Tom Segura]

This channel or don't know, that's him in the background.

[Any]

I was sentenced to 23 years in prison for tracking down and assaulting men that had crimes against children.

[Christina P]

Good.

[Any]

And since that day, I've been known as the Alaskan Avenger. And now my life has been given purpose by uplifting young ones and helping families whose children have been assaulted.

[Tom Segura]

So he would put it upon himself to learn of somebody who had committed a crime against a child and then going and assaulting that person.

[Christina P]

Great. What state did he get convicted in?

[Tom Segura]

I guess Alaska.

[Christina P]

Oh, come to Texas, son. We'll give you a medal of honor. You're in the wrong state, my man.

[Any]

I gotta tell you, it feels pretty good to get up in the morning and not be in prison anymore. Now, when me and the boys were doing time, we used to think to ourselves, man, it would be dope if Alaska did conjugal visits, wouldn't it? I'd have my girl come right now. If there's a lot of dudes you do time with, then shouldn't be around any girl at all, much less an older woman. And then. Wait a minute. What? Now let me break this down for you. I think I'm gonna need to put on my shades. Now, God bless this sweet woman, but this is David Brinson who was doing multiple life sentences with no chance of parole plus 20 years because he's a mass murderer. And when you live like this for the rest of your life, let me tell you what you tell a woman that's giving you some attention, anything you can to get her to come in for the conjugal visit. And from the heart, God bless this sweet woman who has now passed away. But check it out, ladies don't go do conjugal visits with mass murderers inside penitentiaries. Because you know why? They might do things like strangle you, cut you up into little pieces. They might even cut your scalp off and try to put it on and escape out of the prison. And you know what? For sure rest in peace to that poor lady who went to see the mass murderer and got strangled. Damn. How come I couldn't get a conjugal visit when I was down? I guarantee she would have left sticky and confused and very happy.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool.

[Christina P]

I'm a huge fan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's cool. I like him.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I like him too. Yeah, he's in the wrong state.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, he's free. He's doing his thing.

[Christina P]

Move to Texas. You can do your thing here.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Any]

Is this 6:18 in the morning? It's Monday morning. I gotta go to work.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Any]

Oh my God, is it Monday morning already? We're gonna do this again. And this might seem basic to you, but if you're out there, even if you got one of these, always brush your teeth.

[Tom Segura]

This is good advice.

[Any]

Makes you look good.

[Tom Segura]

I'd hire him.

[Any]

Yeah, helps you out in job interviews. Now, even though I'm just a tatted up middle aged guy, I do care about style. So which one do you think goes better with sawdust? This one or this one? Yeah, you're totally right. I'm gonna go with this one. Okay, now tell the truth. Is it weird that I vacuum my room before I go to work? I like it clean when I come home.

[Tom Segura]

That's some real jailhouse. It is.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but it taught him discipline. It looks like he likes that regimented life. I, I hope he's successful, I think. I mean, he's got a nice place. He takes good care of it. He takes care of him.

[Tom Segura]

I'm glad somebody hired him. It's somebody who obviously Knows his story. And they were like, yeah, that's not that bad.

[Christina P]

Hell yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You up, child. That's cool.

[Christina P]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, we like this guy. Didn't we try to add money to his commissary? Yeah, back in like 20. 20, 20 when he first got arrested, we found out about him and tried to send him money, and he got sentenced to 28 years. I think he only did like six. Good. Yeah, it was cool. He was going around with a hammer and beating these guys up with it. Yeah, it's really them up bad. Yeah, I love it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's another story like this. Kane Velasquez, the. The former UFC champ, heavyweight champ, he attacked and assaulted a guy who had, I believe, done something to his niece. But he's now only going to serve. He got sentenced to four years, and I think he's two years in, so he's going to get out in like two years.

[Christina P]

Great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I think you should be absolved.

[Tom Segura]

And most people were just like, why are we.

[Christina P]

Why are you even convicting that?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, yeah, that's the last guy you'd want to show up.

[Christina P]

Of course. This should be open season on these predators.

[Tom Segura]

I agree. Open season for children.

[Christina P]

Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

You should be allowed to.

[Christina P]

You should be allowed to. Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

No, I mean, look. What's more precious than a baby, man? My name is Phil, and I like to dress as a baby. Sweet little boy. Sadly, Phil has been forced to keep his lifestyle choices.

[Christina P]

Sadly as he's afraid to tell his.

[Tom Segura]

Closest friends he should be. One of the hardest things for me is having to hide my lifestyle. Living as a baby. Well, now we know it's affect my work. I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo.

[Christina P]

What you are to me, it's just normal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It takes away all the stress of being an adult.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'd have to worry about bills and things like that. Just have to worry about things that children worry about. He looks like he's a blue collar guy. I think they're going to be real cool at the.

[Christina P]

The construction site.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Color books. I watch kids films, play with children's toys. So usually I'd make film.

[Christina P]

Something fresh like a blended bacon sandwich. But it's hard with us like this, so I'm just doing this for now.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. I actually enjoy running around after Phil.

[Christina P]

We've never had kids of our own, and we don't plan to. No.

[Tom Segura]

So it's kind of like being a.

[Christina P]

Parent, but without the pain of giving birth.

[Tom Segura]

See, it seemed like a Perfect match. She's having fun doing it, too. Would you like to do this with me? You could change my di dye, give me a bath and feed me my food, man. I want.

[Christina P]

My pee pee. So many feelings. Oh, he. That stops. That's what she does, right? She. After he pees.

[Tom Segura]

It's hard now.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's the part that's up. Is that they. After this, right?

[Tom Segura]

For sure.

[Christina P]

I don't like this.

[Tom Segura]

You know, he comes and he goes.

[Christina P]

All right. I don't like it. Also, I don't like that everybody has to be out with their sexual proclivities. I think having some shame and keeping it hidden is totally fine.

[Tom Segura]

Just not letting it out.

[Christina P]

Why do you have to. Why does everyone have to be out with everything? Yeah, there's some things that are shameful society frowns upon. Keep that hidden, dude. Yeah, Keep that hidden. Why does he have to be out? Why do I have to know what makes his dick hard in his diaper? I don't want to know.

[Tom Segura]

He made a TV show about it.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God, you're right. He was to keep it a secret.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if they're gonna accept me. Here's a camera crew in my house.

[Christina P]

God, it's crazy. Yeah. He did that in front of cameras.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're all gonna know now. That's what. Every time I watch one of these shows, like, I just don't want anyone to find out. Like, what do you. You're on television.

[Christina P]

I know. It's like Meghan Markle, like, oh, I don't want everybody following us. And then she makes Netflix shows.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane.

[Christina P]

It is insane.

[Tom Segura]

Totally insane.

[Christina P]

God, if I were into anything like this, I would keep it such a secret. God, I'm ashamed of the normal stuff you and I do. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

You are.

[Christina P]

Well, I mean, I wouldn't. I don't share everything we do with people. It's weird. So gross. I hate it. And also, where's my passy? I'm glad these fools don't have kids, but once you do have kids, you're gonna get sick of watching those movies right quick. You're gonna get sick of cleaning up.

[Tom Segura]

No, they wouldn't be doing this.

[Christina P]

You wouldn't be doing that. You mean. But.

[Tom Segura]

Well, actually, they wouldn't. Wouldn't be able to.

[Christina P]

No, you can't do with kids.

[Tom Segura]

You want to see something cool?

[Christina P]

Always.

[Tom Segura]

Little protest it. He's dead.

[Christina P]

Yeah, Just from that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that high powered water hose hit him in such a way that his head Hit that concrete. Yeah.

[Christina P]

What country is that?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

I don't think that's America.

[Tom Segura]

Right? Let me see. Where is that? It's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. It's in Turkey. Water cannon. He died.

[Christina P]

Oh, no. They're in such turmoil right now. Those poor Turkish.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

That's why they shouldn't let people protest. I think you should.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. Look how hard. Look how hard this is. Like. Yeah, hit me with that water. Boom.

[Christina P]

Oh, these poor people.

[Tom Segura]

Those things rockets at you. You know, I was in. In the central plaza in Madrid when they won the European cup. This is in 2001, and everybody was in this plaza. And they sent out the riot cops with the water cannons and the pellet bags, like shotguns that. Shoot, man, I got out of that. So I was hauling, but I was watching people get sprayed down with them.

[Christina P]

Get the. Out there. You see the cops coming. Leave, dude. Yeah, leave.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Why?

[Christina P]

Are you gonna hang out for this? No, run.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy.

[Christina P]

Run, fool. No way. These Turkish police. You think they give a country? Yeah, dude. Turkish prison.

[Tom Segura]

Turkish prison. If you don't know. I put some fall dates on sale. The summer will be down for me, but there's a bunch of new cities for the fall. They'[e-mail] tour. I'm hitting a whole bunch of different cities in. Let's see, where are we going?

[Christina P]

Are you going to Anchorage?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I am going to Anchorage. That's coming up soon. But in the fall, yeah, I have Akron, Daytona, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Long Island, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long Beach, Friant, Tacoma.

[Christina P]

I remember that.

[Tom Segura]

Huntsville, California. Birmingham and Columbia.

[Christina P]

Oakland, California. Bill, Alice, Natcha.

[Tom Segura]

I'm very excited. Oh, my God. This is the thing I wanted to bring about. So just over the last week, I did a couple shows. I did Oklahoma City and Houston. When I got to Oklahoma City, this was on the wall. A photo that just says, you get the glove. And then they had, like, 25 gloves.

[Christina P]

Hanging from the wall.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. And then they made an entire display, like, look at that wall. That's one of the walls. Then they had this entire display of a movie poster, a movie poster called Glove, actually. And it's Jennifer Aniston and me. And it had movie reviews of what the movie was. What does it say here? A movie so unexpected, even Jennifer Aniston probably didn't know she was in it. Glove actually is absurdly bad. It feels less like a movie and more like an elaborate prank Tom Sigurd is playing on the entire audience. But if you go to the. I don't know if you can see on the other side there or it might be in the video. It has the log line of the movie. They wrote out the entire log line of the film.

[Christina P]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

See where it tells you what the film is about. And it has a one star review and 1% on rotten tomatoes. That's awesome. But Vince the glove dilorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma City who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal. When Jennifer Aniston walks in looking for a fancy car, Vince goes all in, using his glove to seal the deal. But when he thinks when he takes things too far, like offering her an ice cream sundae to sweeten the deal, the situation spirals out of control. In the end, Vince discovers that the real magic isn't in the glove. It's an honesty connection and maybe a little over the top salesmanship. One out of 10 on IMDb, 1% on Rotten Tomatoes, the comedy drama hybrid of the year.

[Christina P]

It's beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Well, whoever did this in Oklahoma City, I just want to be clear when I tell you this. You get the glove. Great job, man.

[Christina P]

So elaborate. They painted that on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I mean, that's not just a poster, you guys. That's painted on the bricks. It's backstage. It's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

They did an incredible job.

[Christina P]

So funny.

[Tom Segura]

Aniston, I'm sure, is going to have the same reaction as us.

[Christina P]

She's gonna love it.

[Tom Segura]

But yeah. Thank you so much for doing that. That OKC crowd, I have to just say, was unbelievable.

[Christina P]

It was so crazy.

[Tom Segura]

You just never know. You never know. And they were unbelievable. One of the best shows of the whole tour.

[Christina P]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

All right, that's it. We gotta run.

[Christina P]

Oh, what's everybody.

[Tom Segura]

What's everybody. Love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.

[Christina P]

You get the glove.

[Tom Segura]

See you next week. S a r T S A R T S S A R T S a r T the word was S a R T S a r T.

[Christina P]

We watched what happened. I watched what happened in Brexit.

[Tom Segura]

S a r T Bart was fart.

[Christina P]

Fart fart part S A r T Bart was fart far fart fart S.

[Tom Segura]

A R T Bart was part part part part S A r T was.

[Christina P]

Fart fart part part S A r.

[Tom Segura]

T S a r T S a r T s a r t the.

[Christina P]

Word was fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart. Why isn't the government talking about how to retain skilled labor? Why isn't the infrastructure minister talking about how to implement infrastructure funds and get construction workers back to work in alberta? Why does this government treat alberta like a fart in the room that nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge? S a r t Laughing at me.

[Tom Segura]

Fart, fart S A r t and.

[Christina P]

They'Re laughing at you S a r t Laughing at me fart, fart S.

[Tom Segura]

A r t We watch what happened.

[Christina P]

Fart, fart, fart, fart. I watch what happened Fart, fart, fart, fart we watch what happens Fart, fart, fart, fart oh, and by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Constituents, point of order, point of order, point of order, point of order, point of order, point of order.

[Christina P]

Laughing at me Fart, laughing, laughing at me Laughing at me Laughing, laughing, laughing laughing at me Fart, Laughing, laughing at me Laughing at me fart, laughing, laughing, laughing we watch what happens Fart, fart, fart, fart I watch what happened Fart, fart, fart, fart we watch what happened Fart, fart, fart, fart oh, and by the way, constituents, fart, fart, fart, far.