Is Ray J Gay? w/ Ari Shaffir | Your Mom's House Ep. 858

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House Ep. 858 – "Is Ray J Gay?" w/ Ari Shaffir

Podcast: Your Mom's House (YMH Studios)
Hosts: Tom Segura & (absent) Christina Pazsitzky
Date: May 6, 2026
Guests: Bert Kreischer and Ari Shaffir
Theme: A typically wild, freeform YMH ride mixing comics' war stories, discussion of black culture compliments, personal anecdotes, "the end" storytelling show, crime, and a viral Ray J “gay or not” moment.

---

Main Theme Overview

In this high-energy, joke-packed episode, Tom Segura and guest hosts Bert Kreischer and Ari Shaffir dive into classic Your Mom's House territory, swapping stories about comedy, athletic humbling moments, black culture's "compliment hierarchy," storytelling shows, true crime and murder logistics, raunchy clips, and the viral Ray J/Cam Newton “gay or not” podcast moment. Christina P. is absent, but her comedic spirit hovers as Bert, Tom, and Ari blend personal tales with over-the-top riffs, irreverent humor, and memorable podcast culture inside jokes.

---

Key Discussion Points

1. Stand-Up Storytelling Traditions (00:57–13:12)

• Origins and Growth: Tom, Bert, and Ari reminisce about the LA storytelling show scene where comics branched out from standard sets to share longform stories, later turning into TV and viral hits.
  • "We did a show on Comedy Central ... then those clips lived on YouTube ... 16 million views!" – Tom (02:10)
• Performance Anxieties: The group discusses how some comics shied away from real storytelling onstage out of fear their stories wouldn’t land ("they're doing it out of fear").
• Ralphie May’s Nerves: Ralphie was only nervous performing stories live—except, as Bert jabs, "The only time he got nervous is when they ran out of wings." (05:09)
• Comedic Benevolence: The hosts share how supporting storytelling comics provided important career bumps before podcasting and virality.

2. Getting Humbled – Sports, Race & Reality Checks (13:12–18:48)

• Tom and Bert trade stories of youthful athletic delusion, humility after meeting “real” athletes (especially standout black athletes), and how realizing your ceiling is a universal coming-of-age story.
  • "It coincides with meeting a black person." – Bert jokes about getting humbled in sports (08:10)
• Notable: The concept of "the day your dreams are crushed" often comes when "meeting a black person in football."

3. Comedy Skill Hierarchies – Compliments from Black People (21:04–31:47)

• The “Hierarchy of Black Compliments” – Tom lays out his theory on which compliments from black people matter most:
  1. Outfit (“fit”)
  2. Shoes
  3. Music taste
  4. Being called funny
  5. Athletic props
  • "The amount of joy it brings you ... it's 10 times more powerful than a white guy saying you're funny." – Tom (23:50)
• Bert shares personal examples for each compliment tier, including being complimented by Questlove on a sweater (27:05).
• “It stuck with me always.” – Bert, on how such praise lingers (28:24)

4. Tom’s New Bakery Venture (15:04–18:48)

• Tom recounts his fat-guy credibility as a croissant connoisseur and the story of partnering with Giamba, an Italian baker, to open a brick-and-mortar bakery in Austin.
  • “It’s the favorite thing I’ve ever like…” – Tom (17:52)
• Bert jokes about missing “Fat Tom” who would hoard bread (15:13) and asks about promotional ideas based on “Revenge of the Nerds” (17:22).
• The bakery’s launch is described like a passion project and an extension of their comedy ethos of sharing joy and good things.

5. The Podcast Clip Culture; Inside Stories and Cancel Culture (32:02–37:11)

• They analyze what it’s like when a story about a real person goes viral, how they seek permission or forgiveness, and what happens when stories have to be taken down.
  • "We had to pull down a couple stories... ‘cause it was like, actually, that guy's married now." – Bert (36:43)
• The “Smartless” podcast mystery story: speculation about celebs who asked for episodes to be pulled, and which difficult guests might have gotten nixed after 10 minutes.

6. Crime, Murder, and Getting Away With It (42:30–47:22)

• Comic theorizing on “how to get away with murder” in 2026’s surveillance age: no motive, open water, and figuring out which patterns get you caught.
  • "My theory is the best possible way is to take somebody out in the open water. Right?" – Tom (43:45)
• Notable Story: Tom reads about a man suspected of murdering his wife on a boat, prompting breaking down the logic (and illogic) of alibi construction and police investigations.

7. Hardcore YMH – Disturbing/Funny Video Review (“Horrible or Hilarious” segment) (59:47–66:48)

• Regular “horrible or hilarious” YMH session: Tom & Bert watch accident/trauma clips and debate if they’re tragic or unintentionally funny.
  • Example: "It was horrible … until the lady opens the trunk. That made it really funny." – Bert (61:29)
• A sequence of escalating injury/near-miss videos serve as fodder for riffing on modern safety and slapstick dark humor.
• Note: Not for the squeamish, but classic YMH.

8. Viral Clip Review – Is Ray J Gay? (71:13–82:39)

• The episode’s title subject: They break down the viral interview of Ray J on Cam Newton’s podcast, where Cam tries to get Ray J to directly answer if he’s gay after a series of evasive answers and wild analogies.
  • "So when you say, I'mma knock you out and put you in my bed … That's the gay thing." – Bert, breaking it down (74:35)
• Hilarious analysis of Ray J’s circuitous “dog peanut butter” metaphor and Cam’s unflinching follow-ups.
  • “First he’s like, are you gay? He’s like, Do you like Biggie Smalls? ... Can you just answer yes or no?” – Tom (79:25)
• Ari and Bert mock-improvise an even more ridiculous podcast conversation parody in response.

9. Comedy Production Cards and “The End” Show (83:01–87:01)

• Bert discusses the final YMH production card, letting the team make as offensive or ridiculous a credit as possible.
  • "Some of them are, I would say, over the line." – Bert (83:56)
• Fun with anonymity, self-parody, and wild creative freedom – "The cool thing about making a TV show completely on your own is you're allowed to do whatever you want." – Bert (84:33)
• The "End" show is a community project for comics, giving back, and splitting proceeds among all contributors.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On black compliments:
  “A compliment from a black guy about being funny is 10 times more powerful than a white guy. … The amount of joy it brings you.” – Tom (23:40)
• On getting humbled at sports:
  "It coincides when you meet a black person." – Bert (08:10)
  "All your dreams are crushed by meeting a black person in football." – Tom (08:16)
• On Tom’s new business:
  "It's my favorite thing I've ever, like..." – Tom (17:52)
• On telling stories about others:
  "Had to pull down a couple stories on This Isn't Happening ... Actually, that guy's married now.“ – Bert (36:43)
• On the Ray J interview: *"Are you gay?"
  "First he's like, are you gay? He's like, 'Do you like Biggie Smalls?'" – Tom (79:25)
• On production cards:
  "It's like you trained a bunch of lions … and then released donkeys and go, let's see what they do." – Bert (86:03)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:57–13:12 – Storytelling show history, YouTube explosion, Ralphie May memories
• 13:12–18:48 – Sports, humility, black athletes, bakery segment
• 21:04–31:47 – The “hierarchy of black compliments,” personal examples
• 32:02–37:11 – Comedy stories, Smartless podcast clip speculation
• 42:30–47:22 – True crime riffing: open water murders, alibis
• 59:47–66:48 – “Horrible or Hilarious” (injury/accident video review)
• 71:13–82:39 – Viral Ray J/Cam Newton “Is Ray J Gay?” clip analysis
• 83:01–87:01 – Production cards, “The End” show, closing remarks

---

Tone & Style

• Irreverent, fast-paced, and steeped in inside joke YMH universe.
• Casual Personal Confession Meets Shock Humor.
• Constant riffing and punchline one-upmanship.
• Meta-commentary on podcasting, comedy career challenges, and creative risk-taking.

---

Useful for New Listeners

This episode is classic Your Mom's House—if you want to understand the show’s “family” chemistry, crudeness, obsession with both story craft and the grossest corners of the internet, and love for self-parody. The highlight for newcomers: the “Ray J gay?” podcast breakdown gives a taste of podcast virality, meme culture, and how comics deeply analyze even the silliest moments for maximum comedic value.

---

End Note:
Skip the ads and intros—this episode’s gold is in the comics’ unscripted hilarity, honest confession, and their mutual joy in poking fun at each other, their industry, and literally any subject that crosses the table.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Did you bring that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Was that just here?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I thought the lady would be here. She's got to be represented.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Focus features in Blumhouse present Obsession. When I have a crush on a guy no one knows. Be careful. I wish Nikki love me more than

[Tom Segura]

anyone in the entire world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten tomatoes. I love you so, so, so, so much. It's blood soaked nightmare fuel spilled your put on her. You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17. Animated without parent. Only in theaters May 15 with special engagements in Dolby. Ready in Chalosh.

[Tom Segura]

Ste knows the only guy that actually knows what you're saying. Everyone's always like, what kind of cryptic bullshit is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's blackmailing the government?

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. We're here with the great Ari Shafir, everybody. Let him hear it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

We'll obviously get into great detail, but just a reminder to everybody that the end is out. It'[e-mail]. this is multiple episodes with a crazy lineup of comedians doing the storytelling show that you. You popularized pop.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Is that it?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's four syllables. That's big for you.

[Tom Segura]

Big word. I don't usually speak that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

But obviously you had your storytelling show that you used to do around town is not happening.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which contractually legally is completely unrelated to this show.

[Tom Segura]

Completely unrelated. But was also a storytelling show.

[Bert Kreischer]

If any other comic says it's the same, that's on them.

[Tom Segura]

That's on them.

[Bert Kreischer]

If Tom or I say it, that's a major problem.

[Tom Segura]

It's a big problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

So this is a different show.

[Tom Segura]

It's a different show. But it was a storytelling show. We would do it. I remember doing it at Melrose and yeah, we did.

[Bert Kreischer]

In small rooms. And then.

[Tom Segura]

And then eventually there was a show on comedy central and we did that. And then those clips lived on YouTube where they got. Some of them got wildly popular.

[Bert Kreischer]

Millions before that was like a real thing. Yeah, millions of hits.

[Tom Segura]

I remember that was a thing because I was doing. I did a couple stories on there. I did. I did my OD story which went like had crazy amount of views. When I tell last time I saw. Can you pull that up? My Tom ODs. That's from your pretty wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I remember I had never talked about that on stage. And you're like, yeah, talk about it on the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

You told me Some of the stories we got were like, offstage stories. And I'm like, dude, do that. How many? What do we got? They recut a lot. Oh, that's the right one.

[Tom Segura]

It's got 16 million views.

[Bert Kreischer]

12.5 million subscribe. Really? 16 million views?

[Tom Segura]

16 million views? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought 16m was meters.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that is. Well, for different things, but that's. That's pretty crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Especially as you as a comic then were, like, not killing it 12 years ago. Yeah, yeah. I mean, okay. But yeah, it's a nice, like, it was a nice people's homes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, that was a real nice, like, bump. And. And then I did it again. I did my Bruce Bruce story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which was also so, like, again, one of those things where. This is what was great I loved about the format is that I like telling stories anyway, but. And that has. What is it? That has 6 million views.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

I like telling stories, but sometimes you go, this is what I've learned. Like touring with stories. Sometimes you're like, it's. You need the long form version to tell the story, and it doesn't quite fit into, like, the hour format.

[Bert Kreischer]

Especially when you're doing joke jokes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then suddenly, like, all right, now we're going to slow down for about 18 minutes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So this became a place where you could do those things. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You set up the crowd to, like, they're ready for it. Everybody's like, can I just make this crowd's ready for it? Don't worry about that.

[Tom Segura]

I. I used to always get so irritated at the guys who would be doing their act. I'd be like, they're not doing this, maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

So mad. Can you put a BLEEP button on if I need it?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're in Montreal. We're doing one and. Oh, that's the one. Just. Just straight act. And then afterwards he was like, that was so fun. Thanks, man. I'm like, you ruined it.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't do the show.

[Ari Shaffir]

That.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

There was another guy who I watched, I think, at Melrose.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like. I was in the back of the room shaking my head angrily, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, because you got to do it. You're nervous. Out of my comfort zone.

[Tom Segura]

You are supposed to do what we're all doing here and that. I could tell that. And the thing is, they're doing it out of fear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fear Instead of just trying something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're just like, I don't want to risk it not working.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Ralphie was like, I remember him doing one and he was. He did a great story about getting dunked on by, I think, Corliss Williamson in junior high school.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And he got nuts in the face.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So this. This. This, like, ninth grader was just a beast. And he didn't really ever do that. Yeah, he didn't do that. He did it live at the Improv. And he goes, I'm nervous. I haven't really done this before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm like, ralphie's nervous is crazy. The only time he got nervous is when they ran out of wings.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There was this thing. Dude. Do you remember, by the way, do you ever have. When you. When you're a kid and you play sports, you allow yourself to fantasize so much about going to the next level, and you have those.

[Bert Kreischer]

Throwing the ball to yourself. Yeah. In the game seven of the world. Strike one. Okay. In game seven of the world.

[Tom Segura]

And then if you, like. If you're playing organized sports and, like, you're. You're a starter and you're. You're like, I'm pretty good. Right? I mean, you have those.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, this guy's gonna go on to

[Tom Segura]

play at Arkansas the day that, like, you're humbled. You just never forget for basketball. See, people would think it was a few years ago, but it was actually many, many years ago when I was playing.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Thing is, a few years ago, I

[Tom Segura]

was playing, you know, middle school, and I was a pretty decent player. And then we got to high school and we went one day to the gym. This was in Milwaukee. The suburbs of Milwaukee and Milwaukee.

[Bert Kreischer]

You grew up there?

[Tom Segura]

I. For a couple years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I went to. I went to the big. One of the. One of the big public high schools. And we go to the gym. We're going to, like, try to get in on some pickup game. We're all like, you know, pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, we play basketball.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we walk in, and Milwaukee is a very segregated city. Very. Considered to be the most segregated major city in America.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean? Like, men on that side, women on that. Like a Jewish wedding.

[Tom Segura]

I'm talking more like. So they had this. They called it. I think they call it the 220 program, which is. They would bus in inner city kids

[Bert Kreischer]

to dominate you, to.

[Tom Segura]

To go to this high school so that they weren't just going to the high schools over there. So we go into the. To the big, you know, auditorium, like, gym at school, and we're watching a bat, and we all kind of just walk in. And I watched a high school Kid on a fast break, cup the ball and do a side dunk like, like this. And we were all like, ah, fuck. We're never gon.

[Bert Kreischer]

It just hits you like, oh, everything I thought is wrong.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, everything I thought is wrong. Everything I thought is not real. This is me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not just dunk. You can dunk, but like, well, not Dunking's boy.

[Tom Segura]

And then there was a Nigerian guy who was shirtless and fat. He had a gut.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

His name was Afuma.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

He did a 360.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Shirtless and fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we were what?

[Tom Segura]

We were like, we should.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn it.

[Tom Segura]

We should play tag.

[Bert Kreischer]

Andy Haynes said he had this when he was skiing. He was like a high level skier. And they were doing this jump and over a street, over a road, and they were jumping over this road and he did it and he was like, sick. And then he looked back and the other guys were flipping over it and he goes, oh, I'll never be on that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know where I am.

[Tom Segura]

I have a hobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I have a hobby. It's funny, it coincides a lot when you find out you're not going to be as good as you thought.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Coincides with meeting a black person.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's right around the same time all

[Tom Segura]

your dreams are crushed by meeting a black person in football. It happened to me later.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

It happened to me later. It was also a black guy though. Yeah. And it was a teammate. I've told the story, but I always remember it that, you know, you're. I'm playing in high school. I'm starting both ways.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I know I'm two way starter.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Two ways on the line. It was a center and defensive tackle. So I'm like, I'm always on the field and like, you know, I make plays. I know I'm not like a fucking five star player, but I, I never had. I played against a couple of guys that ended up playing in the NFL. So I knew that they were different, obviously, but I didn't realize how crazy good the guy next to me was. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you're not playing against them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because we're always like on the same. And one day we did a drill. I think I was. I forget if I was a junior or senior, but we did a drill past rush drill where I was blocking and the way that he went past me and I didn't know what was happening. Yeah, I was like, just one fake and like gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, we're here. What?

[Tom Segura]

And I asked for them to do it. I was like, again? And the coach was like, yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was magic. That wasn't right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't accept that. That was luck.

[Tom Segura]

And he did it just over and over, and I was like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah. There's a reason that the. The college recruits are at practice watching him.

[Bert Kreischer]

It wasn't for me. It wasn't because I also have a 3.4g.

[Tom Segura]

Because it's. There's a reason Mississippi State and Syracuse are at practice today.

[Bert Kreischer]

I actually had that later with swimming when I went to. I think it was your house.

[Tom Segura]

But you're a good swimmer.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're saying, I thought I was okay. Because I swam a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I. I got challenged by a fat Floridian.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Bart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, I'll crush you, dude. You're fat. It's my first time I saw the Mickey Mantle, Jane.

[Tom Segura]

He.

[Ari Shaffir]

He.

[Tom Segura]

I remember, told me about how great of a swimmer he was, but then I think on his. You know, he did that. What's that, like, festival thing he does?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the Birds.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. There's a comic who, forgive me for not knowing, was a college swimmer. Oh, I forget. Somebody in this circle swam in college. And Bert was like, I bet I'll dominate you. Yeah. And the guy. And whoever. It's him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Broussard was Matthew Broussard, college swimmer.

[Tom Segura]

And so, okay, I think this. I might be getting it kind of wrong, but, you know, Bert was like, I bet I can. And Matthew was like, you can start, like, in the middle. And Bert was like. It was insane. Like, yeah, he swam in college, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's also good at going, okay, I think. I do believe I won't win this if he swam in college.

[Tom Segura]

Note.

[Bert Kreischer]

But let me talk trash. Like, this guy just started today.

[Tom Segura]

And also, let me be sure I still will. I want to make the claim until you prove me wrong. There he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. He's got. What the fuck, Matthew?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that a Photoshop on both their parts. Neither one of those look like real bodies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Is a better swimmer than Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a few comics who are better than anybody you've ever met at a sport. Judah Freelander, ping pong.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Kelsey Cook, Foosball.

[Tom Segura]

I learned about that. That she. And she also told me a great story about how fun it is because men will be like, all right, little lady, I'll fucking. I'll give you a bar game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then she just. She can, like, look at them as she does it. You Know, she.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought I was good because we had a foosball table at the Comedy Story played nonstop up there.

[Tom Segura]

She's a championship level player.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I scored one offer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we did my old podcast. I did one and I scored one. She like, let's play. And I scored. I was like, oh, you fucking bitch. And then she's like, all right. And then it was like 15 straight, and you can't. At some point, you don't even know see the ball.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, wait, she's dropping it again. Dropping it again.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy. Wait, so what is Freelander. He. Was he a competitive player? Yeah, like, he.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd see him at, like. You know when you're like, go to, like, the pickup games at the park of your neighborhood where it's like, that's where all the good. He's that for ping pong.

[Tom Segura]

And I wonder who.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is there other places.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder who it is for chess. There's got to be a dominant chess.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you'd have to be not a dumb. Definitely. Which negates pretty much all of us most. Yes, those comics are dumb.

[Tom Segura]

I always talk to Kirk about how when you're at the hallway of the store.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And there's guys. The comics are walking around, you're like, this is a mental asylum. Like, this is. This is crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

When people go like, why is that guy so weird? I started giving Benefit of the Doubt. I'm like, well, it's probably a comedian going to the belly room. If they're weird, they're probably trying to make a joke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then also, some of them are just insane. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's fully insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're forced around insane people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Signing up for open mics. You're like, we're all trying to make it. And other people, like, I'm just trying to find a warm place for an hour.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. I'm not trying to make it, bro. I've made it. If I'm in here, you go. I'm giving this to you. But I am Ari Shafir, okay? It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down. Look. And we're here to talk bald.

[Tom Segura]

This is a love story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, aids. I'm desperate. I'll stab you in your motherfucking arm.

[Tom Segura]

One of the worst things that could happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm Like I don't know any. I'm Catholic.

[Tom Segura]

Did you just shit your pants?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not my sh.

[Tom Segura]

If you're out there, lady, don't call me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm the bad guy in the story.

[Tom Segura]

I know that I'll be a better person tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

At least he's consistent. Finally something we can agree on. Discuss it in Heart. Not the evening I planned, but I'm having a blast. Now if you'll excuse me.

[Tom Segura]

I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy. Especially when you get to check out and see that purple shop pay button. No more digging for my wallet or password reset bullshit. It's online shopping, but streamlined. You can say thanks to Shopify for that. Cha Ching. Shopify is the platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names and brands like ours here at YMH. Not only is our merch store powered by Shopify, Christina turned to them when launching her cosmetics line. And it's been a dream. Shopify possesses world class expertise in everything from managing inventory and and international shipping to processing returns and 247 customer support. Shopify will even help you get your brand out there as if there was an entire marketing team beyond you with easy to run email and social media campaigns. See less carts go abandoned, more sales go. Cha Ching with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com ymh go to shopify.com ymh that's shopify.com ymh acha ching. Before I play our opening clip, another thing I have to say is that finally my flagship bakery explain to me

[Bert Kreischer]

what the fuck this is. Okay, so now you don't eat all the bread. You want to give it to other people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly. Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate Thin Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I fucking hate this guy.

[Tom Segura]

You hate me?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You want me to get this whole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

You're like the people in the comments.

[Bert Kreischer]

They want you to get fat. Of course they want you fat.

[Tom Segura]

A non stop. Yeah, I miss Fat Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, Fat Tom you could look down on. Fat Tom wouldn't bake other people bread. Fat Tom would just be hoarding the bread.

[Tom Segura]

And that's what you want because eventually

[Bert Kreischer]

you're going to look away and I'll steal your bread.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now you're selling it for a profit at a coffee shop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you got? Baguettes. What do you got? What do you got? Those croissants?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sweet croissants.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, it's. I mean, look at this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what is this deal? What? What? What's the deal?

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you the story.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm joking around about Fat Tom, but what is the deal?

[Tom Segura]

This is the story. I used to go to this place in la. I used to always tell people. I mean, I even talked about in my act how much I love croissants. And one day, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the breakfast version of. Of slice of pizza and go, it's the best. Yeah, it's the best.

[Tom Segura]

And there's so many disappointing ones, just like with pizza. So when you find a really killer one, you get excited. So somebody told me, go to this guy's place if you love croissants. I go, really? And the person told me, best croissants in la. So I got excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I go, yeah. I order one. And I'm like, holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's great.

[Tom Segura]

These are amazing. So I meet the guy. His name's Giamba. Italian guy from Cinque Terra in Italy. And I start. I go, these are the best sounds I've ever had. I start to frequent the place and. And one day I do, you know, like a Instagram post. I go, I'm at this guy's place. These are the best croissants.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can trust me. I'm a fat piece of shit.

[Tom Segura]

I'm fast. I have credibility. And I post that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, dude, all these people started going, came today. And they were just like, thank you. Like, you know, it was just like, thanks for doing. I go, good wreck. You don't owe me anything. I just love. It's just like when you go to a great. The great thing about when you find a great spot is you tell other people. And then they go, holy. Thanks for telling me. That was amazing. So it's that type of relationship as a fantasy. I was like, man, I wish. I wish you I could have your place in Austin, selfishly, because I love your food.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm saying because these places in la. Well, one day we start talking and he's. And I'm like, that would be crazy if we could do that in Austin. And. And then one day he's like, yeah, I would. If you want to. If you want to partner up, I'll do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? So say like this.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, if you want the I.

[Bert Kreischer]

I move, it's you and it's a me. And together we are the.

[Tom Segura]

We do the thing and we sell the croissant. So then he he moves here. We open a pop up location because it takes like, we have to find a place to open our place and we have to see there's a pop up. So the pop ups at the fairground, which is under the Wells Fargo building in downtown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Then we opened a counter place where you could. Like in the Scarborough building, like as you walk into the building. Yeah, you can. We have a little set.

[Bert Kreischer]

And how do people go for it?

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do they. Do people find out about it?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. I mean, they found. If they found out about it from just walking around from us talking about it. But the whole focus has been to get this brick and mortar location open. And so it is now open. And it's 1100 South Lamar. It's right if you're looking at the Alamo Drafthouse, like, if you walk out of there, we're on the corner there and we have, we have all the breakfast pastries, we have homemade Italian sandwiches, fresh pizza, and we have a full bar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And so it's. It's really exciting for me because I've always wanted to share. How are you gonna work?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you going to do. I go, like, what do you call it?

[Tom Segura]

Pull. Pull at the coffee. I mean, I could pull coffee. I like serving. Like, I go. I go behind the counter and I just take orders and I serve.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I'm. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fun, though.

[Tom Segura]

It's very fun. And it's like, it's the best. Here's the thing. I don't have to sell you on it. His shit is unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's partners.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we're partners.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, can I suggest an ad for you?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just because it's a Lamar.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my immediate thought went to Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds. Can you do a big thing with like, you're holding a big rod of like, croissants and you're going like this and then. And then chuck them.

[Tom Segura]

Check them. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys, team. Tech team. Can you. Yes. Remember when he threw that and he was like, it's all bendy. Yeah, do one of those, but with croissants.

[Tom Segura]

And then be like, come see us on South Lamar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Tom Segura]

That is a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, thank you. Okay. That's fucking cool, dude. It's a business.

[Tom Segura]

It's very exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like you're building yourself too.

[Tom Segura]

I love, I love it. It's my. It's the favorite thing I've ever like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll go.

[Tom Segura]

Please come, please come. And I hope you Guys, check it out. All right, here is our opening clip. Ready? Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met David Buster. Oh, you're Dave and Buster. I'm having a good time.

[Tom Segura]

I'm enjoying myself.

[Ari Shaffir]

Looking forward to my birthday tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Who is Randy? What?

[Tom Segura]

Black Joy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just black Joy.

[Tom Segura]

It's just black Joy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house. That's too long.

[Tom Segura]

It's always been too long.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's too long.

[Tom Segura]

It's always.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's frustrating. At some point. It's too long.

[Tom Segura]

It's always been the longest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. You kind of get over it, and then it starts nagging at you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you're like. And then you're fully aware that it's too long, which is a longer period.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

In between, it's starting to notice. Too long to. When you're like, hey. And then eventually like, hey. You got to say it's too long.

[Tom Segura]

It's my favorite thing is when people come in and they, you know, don't know anything about. And they. And it's. And they go, what's going on? Well, what's happening right now? And I'm like, it's the intro. And they're like, still.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I could have been returning emails. It was like. It was like, are we in a commercial break?

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It's just how it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, what's he laughing? I don't know. He's just really happy about his birthday. Dave and Buster seems like he's on

[Bert Kreischer]

mushrooms, just, like, laughing over nothing.

[Tom Segura]

It also reminds me of my father. You know, that's where one of the reasons I play it is because he just loved watching black people have fun. I used to say it all the time. So. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think? You know, when you're done with the show and somebody's like, hey, good show in the audience, you're like, you know, thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, you know, you've done played for a million people, so thank you. But to a degree, thank you. But then when a black guy says thank you, it's so much better. What do you think the ratio is? I know what I have. What is black compliment to white compliment.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or cool shirt. Also black compliment to white compliment. What's what to what? Okay.

[Tom Segura]

You're talking about one of my favorite topics of all time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Which is the hierarchy of black compliments. I've thought about it extensively.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So the way that I rank black compliments.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I think there's, like, a pretty much a top five.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, you're fit if they go. If a black person compliments your outfit, your fit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's higher.

[Tom Segura]

You know that you did a good job. You're like, oh, yeah. Okay. Right above that is. If they just complement your shoes. That's definitely a bigger.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's bigger than an outfit.

[Tom Segura]

It's bigger than an outfit, I think, because shoes are, like, a staple of black culture, you know, like sneakers. So, like, if. If a black guy is like, those are some sweet kicks. You're like, okay, gonna clean these and put them and make sure that I wear these on the appropriate occasion.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

After that would be a black guy complimenting your music choice. If you're listening to a. I like, this black guy's like, yo. Like. Like, you're DJing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's like, night.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like. You're like, that feels great.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, wow.

[Tom Segura]

You have to play it off. Be like, oh, yeah. It's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

And again, for context. And if a white guy says the same thing, like, nice playlist. Like, thanks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, thanks, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But the black guy doing it. And then second, to, like, the second best, like, of the whole black compliment thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is a compliment about you being funny. It's 10 times more powerful than a white guy saying you're funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's 10 to 1.

[Tom Segura]

I think. Yeah. I mean, maybe you can go 5 to 1.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had 8 to 1 in my own. I have 8 to 1. There's no wrong answer.

[Tom Segura]

There's no right.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's definitely amount of joy it brings you.

[Tom Segura]

It's the amount of. It's so much stronger. And also, like, outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Tom Segura]

If he's a real buttoned up black guy. It's not the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not the same. He's got. He's a Carlton.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not quite the same.

[Tom Segura]

It's not the same. You want to be like, you know,

[Bert Kreischer]

you want a Jazzy Jeff over a Carlton.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely. And then I think number one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is athletic prowess. If a black guy talks about, like, your jump shot or something, you're like, all right, just bury me now. Like, just. Let's just call it a day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I got a story for each one of these. Now, I want you to notice that I let you finish before jumping in.

[Tom Segura]

It's how conversations work.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's how conversations work. Are you done with This. I can hold this thought for a minute until you're done with that.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Obviously, there's no reason I had to jump in because I already have in my head what I want to add. And you finish your thought and I'll get to what I wanted to tell you.

[Tom Segura]

And it's an exchange of ideas. You were like, oh, finish what you're saying. Thanks for laying the table at what this conversation is about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Glad you brought that up.

[Tom Segura]

I. I also can contribute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, please, guys, if your lady fella or whoever sends you an eggplant emoji after dark, they're ready for better sex. And you should be, too. That's where bluechew comes in. They've been on a mission for years to get you bricked up, build your confidence, and help you actually perform better in the bedroom. With their new arousal formula, Bluechew Gold is helping millions of men have better sex in 2026. While most ED meds only focus on blood flow, Bluechew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready, you're actually in the mood. This type of innovation is why bluechew Gold is the number one brand in erectile function. You know that so many people have given this a shot and they do not regret it. You should try this too. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your [e-mail] we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for free with the promo code YMH. That's promo code YMH. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's time to refresh your yard during spring Backyard days at the Home Depot. Get low prices guaranteed on propane grills starting at $179 like the next grill 3 burner gas grill. Or get $50 off a select Weber spirit grill and bring big flavor to your backyard. Then set the scene with Hampton Bay string lights that bring it all together. Shop Spring backyard days for seven days at the Home Depot now through May 6th. Exclusions applies to homedevot.com price match for details. Okay, what was five again?

[Tom Segura]

Five was outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Five outfit. Okay, I got one. I have one for each of these. I was at, I think Wyatt Senec show in Brooklyn doesn't matter. And there was a black guy in there with Ilana Glazer. And he said, I like your sweater. Nice sweater. It's cool.

[Tom Segura]

How good did that feel?

[Bert Kreischer]

It felt so good. Found out later it was quest love. Even better.

[Tom Segura]

It's way better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Way better for sure. And that guy's got style on top of just being black and.

[Tom Segura]

And musical genius. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

H m sweater.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm like, thanks, man.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks. Question.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, who was that guy? That was like, really nice. And they were like, yeah, they were like. That was a.

[Tom Segura]

Did he have a pick in his hair? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number two shoes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Monroe Martin and Derek Gaines. Consistently. I was trying for a little bit to rock these bowling shoes that I stole. I thought they were cool. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hence why you stole them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And they informed me that it was not cool.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. So. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the opposite.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never wore them again.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because of how powerful the black compliment is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the black insole right there with it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's three?

[Tom Segura]

Three would be your music choices.

[Bert Kreischer]

Music choices. Okay. I got one there, too.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Listening to Led Zeppelin in college. Doing an all nighter in the Whatever. And then the. The. What's the fix it guy, like a janitor guy comes in and he's cool. Younger guy, like 35 or something. You know, I'm 22.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes, oh, hell yeah, man. Led Zeppelin. I was like, you know Led Zeppelin? He goes, yeah. Well, they didn't play hip hop on the radio when I was growing up, so the closest we got was black inspired white music.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I love Led Zeppelin. I was like, oh, hell yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. See, that stuck with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

It stuck with me always.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's two?

[Tom Segura]

Two is funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, here's one for that too. Again, let's just point out for a second you got out your whole thing. Scale.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now we're talking about it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's an interesting technique. It's all. It's one way to go.

[Tom Segura]

I wish I could apply it elsewhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I could do it. I saw you weigh in on the comet that I weighed in on. I'm so glad you saw that too. You must have this. A whole theater. I'm like, all right. I have this sort of plan in my head in the car. I thought, I'm gonna get it all out. And then you get about a quarter of it out, and then it's gone.

[Tom Segura]

And I want to go back to what the you were actually making. You. Oh, it was about. Big Dick is the most feminist. All right, we'll go back.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll go back to It. We'll go back to it. Okay. I finished me Mike Cannon, and I forget her name. Someone from, like, New England was. We were working at a casino.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Up there in, like, Syracuse area. And we finished, and we're walking to go get at the. At the restaurant.

[Tom Segura]

Take your arm under that cord. It's giving me anxiety. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then now we found out that Tom is autistic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a waterbed bar in the East Village. There's a water bed you can sit on. And I had a drink on the corner, and somebody comes over and is like, excuse me, guys. It was like three or four of us. I think the Rosa was there. I was like, yeah. And he goes, can you take that glass off from the corner of that? And I was like, why? He goes, my friend's highly autistic. He's freaking out about it. And he's just like this. And I was like, yeah, okay. I put it on the table. And he goes, damn, dude. That's tough to live with. The guy's really nice about it. Okay, so we're walking to the restaurant, and we pass a pupil. We're trying to get to eat before it closes. And we're in the casino. So you're with a lot of people from the show. And they're like, good sec. Good set. Like, oh, thanks, guys. Thanks. Thanks. Try not to slow down. Like, let's put our heads down and want to eat. And then we get in and we're like, thank you. And then there's a black guy at a table. He goes, hey, you guys had a good show. And we're like, both just naturally stopped and like, oh, thanks, man. I really appreciate it. Did you have a good time? Where you from?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden, you're the most social guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so cool. You, man. I'm glad you had a good set. It's all about that.

[Tom Segura]

White guy's like, great set. You're like, thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Black guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's when I realized the 8 to 1. It was that moment.

[Tom Segura]

It was. It's very strong. And then number one was athletic prowess.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's never happened.

[Tom Segura]

Never.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to play basketball at the park in Sligo Creek, and I was better on defense like most white people. Better on defense and offense.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'd block shots I was good at. I was wiry. They would just have a standing foul call if I blocked it out of bounds. Like, it's their ball anyway, so they're like, let's make that a foul.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then be like, that's just. That's clean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like, it's our ball regardless. I know it's a foul. Like, yeah, okay.

[Tom Segura]

I remember. I remember the pickup games where I got complimented by black eyes. And it's still with me today. Sometimes it carries me through the day,

[Bert Kreischer]

especially if you're going to another game and then they pick you up before last.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, before last.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. Like before last. What, I'm the eighth pick.

[Tom Segura]

This is crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. You're, like, laughing at the other people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You pick me over a black guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's nuts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Lamar's waiting there, like, why am I not picked up?

[Tom Segura]

You're like, oh, okay. So, all right. Just to. To set the table for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You did Two Bears with. With Bart and I. Yeah. And you made a statement and you were elaborating on it. And then as you were telling your thought, your theory.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, much better.

[Tom Segura]

So everyone. And I remember people being like, I wanted to hear what you were going to say. This is how I live.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the craziest thing is he could have just told his thing after the same thing. No, hold it for a minute. Like, hey, when you were saying that, that reminded me of a guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But your statement was having a big dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

It comes off as toxic masculinity. Yeah. Of like, I gotta build. Look at this tiny dick idiot. You know, I'm big dick. And it's like this old, like, get a big truck, get a big dick. Have whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I think it's feminist because they're just having it and, and, and hyping it up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Saying a big dick is better is feminist because the reason you would have a big dick just in biology.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is to put it in a woman.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And have her find pleasure from it.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And a small dick would give them less pleasure. Less pleasure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So all that, like, I got a big dick. It's all about, I please women better than you do.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's also what is the unspoken, like, sentiment. I think about it is that's why the big dick is intimidating to other guys, because just by the nature of

[Bert Kreischer]

you're better, you're gonna please these gods more than I can please. I can't bring tribute to them the way you can. So now I'm angry and now.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And now I'm insecure and I'm. I'm upset about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't like that. I won't be able to please them. Let's send all these big dick ones back to Africa. Right. Or whatever, wherever they come from.

[Tom Segura]

But you're right. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the immed. It. A feeling of, I'm inadequate.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm inadequate, and you're more.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a very valid theory, but, I mean, Bert's interruption was fantastic. Yeah. This is not an interesting talking point. So. Yeah,

[Bert Kreischer]

that Bruce Bruce story was funny, too, because you told it to me off stage and then you finished when we recorded it. That was the Internet only version.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, fun story is when I was doing the intros and I was. It was like, camera and then running, and then I quickly take my pants off and just have underwear on and then go on the stage and they find me on stage. And you were like, hey, this next one, you got to take your dick completely out. And I was like, yep, you're upset. That's kind of. You set me off.

[Tom Segura]

Did I?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think you might have.

[Tom Segura]

I think I remember that. I don't. I really don't remember that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. So I pulled my dick out and there were some extras in the front row. Girls, like, yeah, I've seen your dick, like, really close.

[Tom Segura]

You know what's so fun? I told the Bruce Bruce story, and then I had this thing where it was based on my one interaction with him. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

On the plane.

[Tom Segura]

On the plane. I tell the story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Such a funny story.

[Tom Segura]

I loved. It's one of those things where you go, I love the story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I told it. I was really. I was actually very proud, and I thought it was really unique, funny. You know, the whole thing about, like, just setting the stage of. Of the. The scenario, the interaction, the, like, the way that the woman, some woman who doesn't know him, was like, what can I get you? Because we were stuck at the air at the gate, and they actually were like, you can get off the plane and come back. We're gonna be here. He was like. And then a woman walked by and was like, do you need anything? And he was like, candy. Like Twix, Skittles, like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I go, who is that? And he goes, I don't know. I was like, you don't. You don't know?

[Bert Kreischer]

And just accepting it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And she was just doing it for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tribute.

[Tom Segura]

And then we had this crazy dialogue about Andy Griffith, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so that was kind of like, well, I told the story and then I had that weird feeling of like, oh, I wonder.

[Bert Kreischer]

It involves someone else.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder. No, I wonder if. If he would be happy with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I wonder, like, because we're not, like, close, I wonder how he'll respond. And I had that, like, unease of would he be like, man, fuck you for telling that story. You know, like, just not knowing. So what? The only place I had communication with him or, like, a line to talk to him was Twitter at the time. So I. I messaged him and I was like, hey, you know, I had.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you remember.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I met you and I told the story about meeting you, and I sent him the link to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So he saw it.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's the thing. I got no reply, right? No reply. And then maybe a year or more later, like, literally that long. I check one day and it's like, message from Bruce. Bruce. And I was like, oh. And I opened it and it was all complimentary. He was like, that was hilarious. That was. I was like, oh, my God. He was so nice about it. And, yeah, that was just like one of those things where you're like, I know that feeling. And then the guy who I tell it about, like, enjoyed it.

[Bert Kreischer]

We had to pull down a couple stories on this not happening. Really? Because it was like, actually, that guy's married now. I shouldn't be saying that. Do you mind? We'll take it down. Of course. In the podcast, we get that all the time. Like, oh, shit, I shouldn't have shared.

[Tom Segura]

There's that thing that people are all guessing about. The. The smartless guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Smart list.

[Tom Segura]

Smartless. The. You know, it's a very popular podcast hosted by those. The three. Bateman, Will Arnett and John Cryer. I think that's the Shepherd. The three.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think Sean Hayes.

[Tom Segura]

Sorry, Sean Hayes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. What a. You just said Sean Hayes and John cry. I don't know who's really interchangeable. Unique group of two people. They're just some guy in sitcoms.

[Tom Segura]

These guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But famously have. Have talked about two people that have come on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they said that a woman after her episode asked them to not air it. And. And they really down. So you're like, oh, I wonder who that is. And then they talk about a famous comedian who was such an asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw that.

[Tom Segura]

That after 10 minutes, they just.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were like, we're done.

[Tom Segura]

We're done. So everyone always is, like, talking about who. Those two.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they try to figure it out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like one of those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where you're like, I. I. And then you can lead them. You just like show that clip with a person's name over that. And then they go, oh, so they were definitely talking. I saw them talk about how they hated.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen a comment section about that where it theorized everybody every. You know, like, they. Yeah, I think we've both been mentioned in the possible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, well, I'm not on there.

[Tom Segura]

You know, one of the. Oh, is this the thing? Yeah, here, this is Will.

[Bert Kreischer]

They just stopped in the middle. She asked us, oh, okay. Air her episode a tool at all. Which we were like, fuck, it costs 20 guys. We all had to do it. Blah, blah, blah. And. And because she was worried because she thought that she was up and coming. Oh, I see. And I won't tell you until we're absolutely cut. Yeah, but we were like, you're good. It turns out we were right

[Tom Segura]

now.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I think you know one other very famous comedian who. I'll tell you after. Who is a comedian rank recently, and we cut him off after 10 minutes and said, thanks so much and then. And ditched him. What's the guess?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you almost can't say it out loud. Yeah, I mean, that's. This has been posted a bunch and there's always just hundreds and hundreds.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hundreds of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but the comment about the woman, though, is like, you know, he's like, she thought she was up and coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he's saying she wasn't.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm like, what is she like?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it a dirty podcast where they

[Tom Segura]

were like, I don't know, the part of me that goes like, wait, what do you mean? She was like, don't do it. Because she thought her trajectory plays a role. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, Cam Patterson was like watching. And they go, hey, Cam, what's going on? Come on. Come on in here. He's like. And I get where he is. He's a first year SNL guy and this is Legion of Skanks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, hey, Cam, you got to get out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you did?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you got it. You can't be here until, like, get Michael Chase permission first. But you shouldn't. You're a first year guy. You should get out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're going to say some awful things and you're going to be on camera with it.

[Tom Segura]

That was nice of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's like, so it might be one of those. We're like, I was saying crazy shit and I'm about to be in a Disney movie.

[Tom Segura]

Right, Right. Right. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also what? Like, we were right. But also, like, nowhere.

[Tom Segura]

We're. Well, like, where. It's weird, though, because that show is not Legion of Skanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what was she saying?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, what were you saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like, a celebrity show.

[Tom Segura]

It's strange. It's very strange.

[Bert Kreischer]

What I liked about your. The overdose story.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that you told to me off stage a few times.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you said it on stage, and there was a part that you didn't say.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you the exact part.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I had to go back on. I'm like, tom, wait. That's why I loved the show. You forgot some of it, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That was so key, too, because essentially the end of the story, the last bit, is what I forgot. And you came on stage and you're like, what about. And I was like, oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then there's that moment if you have, like. If it was, like, a real Comedy Central production or Netflix or anything, like, well, I'm already off, so it's over.

[Tom Segura]

And then you would be so pissed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? This is a me production.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's like.

[Tom Segura]

And I'll tell. It's been out for, like, the story. You know, I tell the whole story about accidentally overdosing, waking up in a coma, and. And then how, you know, how disappointed and upset parents were, and just, like, the shame of it and the awfulness of it. And I forget how I ended, but I was just like. And then, whatever. It ends. And then you reminded me of when I told you the story that the doctor who actually saved my life, the one who got the tube in me, the breathing tube, visited me a few days later in recovery, and I'm still in the hospital, and he has the toxicology, and he's like, hey, you know, you tested positive for so many things, like, every trip. Opioids, stimulants, every. And I was like, really? I'm like, how is that possible? He's like, well, because you got, like, street drugs and people will just throw anything in there. So he's like. You're like, it's off the charts. And he told me it was like, it'd be alive. Lucky to be alive. He goes, there was enough in you to kill a horse. Right? And then I go, like, how did I live then? Like, how did I survive? And he's like, well, you're. You're fat so fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're bigger than a horse.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Button to the. To the thing.

[Tom Segura]

It was. And I forgot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take this. Take the shitting. On me part.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's like, and it's funny because, like, you're hearing somebody say, like, all this awful shit happened to me. And then when you're like kind of like feeling for them again, another insult happens. Yeah. Like, which was really funny. It was really funny. Yeah. He was like, you just this one. And it's like one of the good times to be super fat is when you're overdosing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One of the favorite topics, of course, you know, this is murder, Right. On this podcast and in life, I just enjoy it. You know, I like the shows, I like the topic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I always talk about, like, you know, there's less serial killers today and. And, you know, it's hard even just to get away with a one off murder because there's so many, like, advances in forensics and there's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I think about this a lot as someone who wants to commit crimes of necessity, like shoplifting. Yeah. I want that. I don't want to pay for it or wait in line. I want it. So I'll steal it. Cameras everywhere, everywhere. As someone who's like, you know what? Maybe one day I'll murder. And the way you got to do it is no motive.

[Tom Segura]

It's got to be a random rando. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they can't chase you back.

[Tom Segura]

But this is the thing. The way it's everywhere, dude. Like when you watch these. I watch these shows all the time and it's like, how do we piece it together? It's like they looked at ring cam,

[Bert Kreischer]

ring cam, ring cam. They see where you're going.

[Tom Segura]

They see a vehicle pass down the street and, and go through a, whatever, some, you know, toll booth. And it's like, that's what you know, so it's really hard to get away. And there's fingerprints, there's DNA. So I'm always like, how can you do it? And my theory.

[Bert Kreischer]

Murder. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

My theory is that, that the best possible way is to take somebody out in the open water. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Open water.

[Tom Segura]

The open water is like, there's no

[Bert Kreischer]

cameras in the open water.

[Tom Segura]

And you can, if you can at least disguise you going out there. That's which is the worst.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's what a lot of people do. That's what a lot of them do. They've gone like something happened.

[Tom Segura]

And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is just a story that came up.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a new one.

[Tom Segura]

This is pretty recent. Police in the Bahamas say they arrested the husband of a missing Michigan woman after she vanished during a boat trip near Elbow cay authorities say 55 year old Lynette Hooker was in a small motorboat Saturday night with her husband Brian.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was just going.

[Tom Segura]

Brian told them she fell overboard with the keys which shut off the engine. He said he then paddled to shore and reported her missing early Sunday. The AP story says Bahamian police arrested the husband in Abaco. At the time of the report, police had not said whether he had been formally charged. Her family was skeptical of the whole account. Her mother says she wanted more answers. Her daughter told NBC that Lynette was an experienced sailor who was unlikely to, quote, just fall off the boat. The daughter also said the couple had a volatile relationship. Especially when.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know why she had the keys. Why'd she have the keys?

[Tom Segura]

Why'd you have the keys?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, fuck you then. Well, fuck you then. I'm. You don't just have the key. The keys are in the ignition.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You have to make a real effort.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And why would you do that out there? It's not just like, oh, I'm going to put this in the safe box.

[Tom Segura]

If you're volatile, if you're volatile, history is fighting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, then I'll show them over. But I don't give a. Like, I'll it for sure. Once you have the keys in your hand. That's a murder.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not just like, I fell also. Get her. What do you mean? Oh, she fell, dude, it's over.

[Tom Segura]

Fell. The waves were crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like a foot and a half down.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't even know where to look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, all these cruise ships, that's like once or twice a year gotta be like, oh, she didn't make it.

[Tom Segura]

She didn't make it. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out to see. They can't. And we talked to those guys on all those like impractical jokers. There was a.

[Tom Segura]

Or there's been a murder in the open sea at. On cruises where there's a famous one where somebody like a camera catches them falling off the balcony, you know, and they're like, wait, how does she fall? Just like fall off the. Because in theory you could, you could be like lit and just fall.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there's a camera that kicks it up and you're the pusher.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have to. If you know a camera picked it up, not you pushing, but just them falling. You have to go, oh my God, my wife fell.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If there's not a camera, then you go, where's my wife? Has anybody seen her?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You delay that. But they also told us that the amount of time it takes to stop and turn around.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

With the tides, they're like, they're gone. You got one chance. If you see it happen, throw them a life thing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Colors.

[Tom Segura]

But they're cruising and the night.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the night is over. They said, they said daytime, you got a chance, but you have to see them fall in.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Dude, I talked to a. A charter boat captain one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like a yacht captain. And all of those, like fancy luxury yachts have cameras all over for security purposes, you know, like just.

[Bert Kreischer]

But for that.

[Tom Segura]

But like to keep track of like where people are. And you could be like, oh, this person's at this in the galley. Or, you know, I mean, like, you could see everything. And he told me that he had a really high level, Middle Eastern wealthy guy. And as soon as he board, he was like, can you cover up all the cameras? And they were like, sure. So they had to like put covers on all the cameras because he was like, I don't want.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna do some stuff.

[Tom Segura]

I might be doing some on board also.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I say, don't sleep on the national park system.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very few cameras. Rocks are way harder than water.

[Tom Segura]

Camping is a good. And he used to establish a pattern of like, I do this a lot. I do this a lot. That was Scott Peterson's big mistake because he dumped his pregnant wife's body in the open water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, wait, how did. Like, how'd this happen? He's like, well, I. I had a boat and I wanted to take it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the one.

[Tom Segura]

I remember Christmas Eve and I just took the boat out and they were like, huh? Why? He's like, I just had this boat sitting there. I wanted to take it out. He'd never. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brian looked. The problem is then what about if you just are camping with your wife or boating with your wife and she falls over and drowns? At first you're like, oh, no. And then you're like, there's a lot of people who are not going to believe me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, what do I do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, what do I do?

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I think you're. If it's genuine, like, whether it's camping or boating, you're in a genuine panic if you get back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've seen. Have you ever go down a black dolly, A rabbit hole?

[Tom Segura]

Ah, it's been a while.

[Bert Kreischer]

They sell it, dude. Yeah, they sell it until their husband walks into the interrogation room that they thought was dead.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then they're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, Oh, I was. I hired a cop to kill you, didn't I? And they still try to sell it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom, I got something for you. Yeah, I know what the show is. I'm surprised. I'm sorry Christina couldn't be here. She's here.

[Tom Segura]

She's chopping wood. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She's doing a. What's it called? Recreation. What is it? When the north fights the South. Yeah, she's in one of those.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Civil War.

[Bert Kreischer]

Civil War reenactment. Yeah, she's north. She's north and. But I brought something in that you both loved. You know what money bucks is?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Muddy Bucks.

[Tom Segura]

Muddy bucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, Tom, buddy, by the way, go check out the [e-mail] right now. Yeah, please, guys, could you find that money box? Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is. Okay, Thomas.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's a dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's fucking. He said what he said.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Oh, yeah. You know what I always think about, though, in, like, this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just hip mobility, you know? I mean, it's so important as you get older to have, like, to do, like, hip mobility.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mobility. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because you could pull something. Yeah. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have one where he's completely submerged?

[Tom Segura]

Have. Have you. This is a whole genre.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, buddy. Yeah, this is. This is in Dan Savage's, like, what? Porn. He has a porn, like, film festival, and this one won.

[Tom Segura]

This one. He's gonna nut through that mud.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, please don't. I don't know about it. Oh, please don't.

[Tom Segura]

Is this real?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, buddy. It looks so fake.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's under. He's under.

[Tom Segura]

How do you find out you like this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you found out right now. Yeah. Oh, please don't. Please don't. Just on your chest with. Oh, there's one where the guy's completely just dunked in as somebody behind him. Oh, There. That's not bad. Yeah. I mean. Oh, he's gone. Oh, that wants that ass.

[Tom Segura]

How did you find this on its own?

[Bert Kreischer]

The Dan Savage porn festival.

[Tom Segura]

What is his. He has a porn.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes to movie theaters and put. Puts up. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And he.

[Bert Kreischer]

He says, submit. And we're taking the 30 best ones.

[Tom Segura]

Is Muddy Buck. Is this a name of a. A film like that or. This is a whole genre that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's these guys.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's these guys. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they do a bunch. I think they're the most successful ones.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, they're the leaders.

[Bert Kreischer]

The one I love the most from. They look pretty submerged from this year. It was a bunch of people, like doing the Che Guevara revolt against the workers. And then they all just start fudgeing. But they're like worker outfits. They're like, the people have the power.

[Tom Segura]

You have a favorite genre of porn. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I like because I like reality.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I like hidden camera. Sell it as hidden camera or really do it. Either way. Especially the book Consenting. Even better. But it's like, I didn't know you were taping. Yeah, I'm cool with it. Upload it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or something real that distresses someone. So I know it's real. So, like, one time I saw one. This is a decent example. It was a chick on a couch getting fucked. Another chick on a piano getting fucked. And the piano guy finished, but didn't finish it and came up behind the couch girl and jizzed in her hair. And she was so mad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, what the fuck, you piece of shit, Gus. I told you. And start. And it was like, wow, this is not scripted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah, that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I liked it.

[Tom Segura]

I like that too. I like that. There's that.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you got?

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's in line with what you like, because I like. It became a popular fake genre. So you have to search for the

[Bert Kreischer]

real version of which is real.

[Tom Segura]

BTS real behind the scenes. So what they do is they've behind the scenes became popular. So they do fake behind the scenes.

[Bert Kreischer]

They act like everything. There's no amateur porn anymore, but the.

[Tom Segura]

It's genuinely older when the camera was actually filming behind the scenes. But, like, it wasn't a popular genre yet. And so you would see real and how they would, like, they would get. They would get like, into it before they filmed their scene. That was always hotter because it was real. It wasn't real. It wasn't fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

I tell you. I went in LA to. To a porn shoot we knew a long time ago. Yeah, 20 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's all these, like, Hollywood Hills, like, kind of happens. It was someone who knew Tripoli for sure. For sure. It was either Tripoli or Yoshi. I think it was a guy from Jiu Jitsu who was like, I'm doing if you want to see one. I'm like, I.

[Tom Segura]

For sure. He's like, I'm doing one.

[Bert Kreischer]

He worked in the. In the world.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

As a cameraman. He wasn't like a porn guy. Yeah, he was a porn star. And it was like the. Some caretaker of the house was in a room going like, don't dent anything, but they're renting it out for, like, 20 grand for the day. To fuck everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what was distressing was going to take a pee and seeing the enemas that were in the trash can.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

To be like, let's clear out for this.

[Tom Segura]

How is watching the actual work?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was interesting. More than hot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because there's so many people. It's like. I don't say strip clubs. I'm like, unless you go to a private room, like, this is not hot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a fun thing with friends, but, like, you'd be a creep to get a boner around other dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, like, that's. That's pretty intense to be up close and, like, where you're standing, like, you know, video village.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's so where there's 25 people around, but on film it's just the two of them.

[Tom Segura]

And you were watching just two people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's funny, too, when you can see, like, a girl go like. Like, let's say you're the camera, so your face to the camera and she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. I see them taking direction.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's interesting, but not arousing to me. Not aroused. Yeah. No, because you were like, this is manufactured.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever seen one?

[Tom Segura]

No, I've never been in person. You know, somebody told me one time,

[Bert Kreischer]

reach out, Tom wants it.

[Tom Segura]

Someone told me one time that they were in their house and they looked over, like, out their window and they realized this was in la.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That the house next to them would often be rented for, like, parties and stuff. And it was one of those Eyes Wide Shut parties where, like, people were in tuxedos, had masks on, and they were watching sex in the room. And I was like, that's pretty exciting. I think, even from their perspective, because they weren't at the party. They were watching the whole thing from their window.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

You know, a double voyeur. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Watching people watch sex.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

You voyeur for. Not for sex, but just in general. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I like. I mean, I like that story. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. I probably would have stared at that for a while, but, like, if I see people, like, I don't stop and

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to see them just do regular stuff. What they don't know. Another poinsettia. It was like two buildings, like. Like, kind of like this. So you could. So if you turn off all the lights, you just watch them, like, making dinner or something.

[Tom Segura]

I like that, too. Here, let me show you a couple things real quick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Is this. Yeah, is this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you got to show Christina Money Bucks.

[Tom Segura]

I will show.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so do this. But, like, it's so interesting. There's a version of life where you're out doing something and you're like, oh, you know, who would like this? On that trip I did, there's a few different people. I'm like, oh, you know, go to a soccer game, like, Shane Gillis would love.

[Tom Segura]

Would love this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or seeing some old, like, hieroglyphs. They're like, joe Rogan would love this. There's videos you watch. And I'm like, hey, when am I on YMH next? Yeah. Make a note.

[Tom Segura]

Make a note for Muddy Bucks. This is a fun one. Before I show you these.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

This is like this meme I saw. Michael Jackson is going to bust in your asshole, right? And he's letting you choose one of his hits to play while he does it. Do you choose Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat it, or man in the Mirror? Because I was thinking that man in the Mirror makes it so much sadder. And you're already. Maybe you're sad.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's busting your ass. What's the position here?

[Tom Segura]

You're bent over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bent over. Not legs over him. So you're looking at him.

[Tom Segura]

No, you're bent over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I mean,

[Bert Kreischer]

you guys, if you're not gonna ask questions, you don't know the answers.

[Tom Segura]

Hard to shake man in the Mirror because you're like, oh, yeah, Because I don't want this. And I get. So that song can make you really sad. You know, it's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's smoother. You also don't want to get, like, too hyphy and have him pick up steam.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, you don't. You want him moving slowly, gently.

[Tom Segura]

Jean is kind of. It's kind of nice that it's. It's that. But it's like, is not my lover.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not my love.

[Tom Segura]

You know? So you're like, yeah, but I am your lover. I guess I don't. In any. What do you think? What would you pick? I don't want to participate.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, Beat it is. Is thematically on point.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you think Beat it would be. It's too much, right? Cuz I specifically just said, Eddie, what

[Bert Kreischer]

position would you have him take you in?

[Tom Segura]

Y. Y' all got me up, bro. You're saying he's like. Cuz Beat it is. It's too. It's too fun. Just Beat it. You know?

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, you're beaten off in my ass. So it's. I just. Thematically, I like that the most. But now. Okay, more questions. I know you can weigh on this whenever you want. You're getting bent over. Is there a mirror you can look at him?

[Tom Segura]

I think so. I think you're in the bathroom is how I pictured it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Then there is that man in the mirrors. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then that's the most on point.

[Tom Segura]

It's the most on point. But it makes it so sad. Right. But you know what also fucks you up? What if he busts at the end of Thriller and then you hear that laugh that. Ha. Like, that's. That's really sadistic, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's sadistic. That's the right song. But I think man in the Mirror, if you're looking at. Reclaims the meaning of that song.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not yourself you're looking at anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're looking at the King of Pop and he's looking at your face and he's. I'm looking at the man in the mirror. A different person. The original meaning was I'm looking at myself.

[Tom Segura]

It is. That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And maybe you look at him and you go, like, maybe. Stop doing this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop doing. I see you as a. As a person.

[Tom Segura]

Stop doing this to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, cool it. Beat it.

[Tom Segura]

Just cool it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Zola, can you look over if any is hard or not, bro?

[Tom Segura]

Actually looked so soft.

[Bert Kreischer]

Actually, it did really look.

[Tom Segura]

Never been softer. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a full joke. Zolo.

[Tom Segura]

My looked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

Can you at least tell me this? No. No. Which is the worst. Which is the worst song? I don't want.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, at least that.

[Tom Segura]

No. Black or white?

[Bert Kreischer]

Doesn't matter if you're black or white. Great answer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, it's not. It's. But it's not in the.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not in the list of questions.

[Tom Segura]

It is a great. It was a great one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you remember the time? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh? Huh?

[Tom Segura]

Something to think about. Something to take home with you. All right, all right. Do you think this is horrible or hilarious? What? I'm going to show you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Hold on. Before you do it.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta steal yourself sometimes for these.

[Tom Segura]

You do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, so in my head, I'm like, horrible, horrendous. So, like, is this a human going to physically suffer right now?

[Tom Segura]

I haven't seen any of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have not.

[Tom Segura]

I haven't seen any of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I watched them with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm hoping.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just somebody failing at a spelling bee.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Sometimes they. They put it together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's they?

[Tom Segura]

The guys. The guys in the booth. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we got. We got. Later, look, we'll talk about the end production cards that I let your idiots do for me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, go ahead. Okay, go ahead. All right, so they put it together. You haven't seen it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, look how calm he is. His hands just got rushed in the.

[Bert Kreischer]

So calm. And he got one.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's like, please just. Oh, my God, open the latch.

[Bert Kreischer]

That happens so fast.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, oh, you got to open the driver. There's a button.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no. Tom Fox in the trunk.

[Tom Segura]

Holy shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you dumb idiot. Not the trunk.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man. That's nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's not getting it out.

[Tom Segura]

I think all of us have empathy on this one.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's. I. I mean, we've all slammed our finger.

[Tom Segura]

That's the word. It's so fucking horrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so tight. It doesn't seem like your finger would have space for it.

[Tom Segura]

God. And that's. It was also. His crazy ass is like, you're shaking the. You know what I mean? He's shaking that. Bam. Oh, he's composed.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's very composed, man. Do you think he's like, ah, hey.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey.

[Tom Segura]

But horrible. It's pretty horrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Horrible or what?

[Tom Segura]

Hilarious. It was horrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Until the lady opens the trunk.

[Tom Segura]

That made it really funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That felt like an actual. Like a comedy movie, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, how many times are you in a rental car somewhere?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you go to the gas station. You do that. You're, like, drunk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do it again. Like, no hood. Where the fuck is this thing?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Where's the fucking button for this? All right, here's this one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, pause, pause, pause.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like the. Where this is gonna go, too. So this could go anywhere. I mean, it's a. It's a. It's a tilted oak for the listeners here. For the seven listeners of the show, it's a tilted over kind of forward

[Tom Segura]

bus, like a charter bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost like it's a regular bus, but Bert was sitting in the front seat.

[Tom Segura]

It's exactly right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's just pushed down.

[Tom Segura]

The front end is really low.

[Bert Kreischer]

So this could go anywhere from.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please don't go off the fucking cliff.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you what I immediately go to?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I immediately go to the man who's standing on the road, and I'm going, you shouldn't be standing there.

[Bert Kreischer]

If he Knew he was in a YMH video right now. He would get out of there.

[Tom Segura]

Get out of there. Because I also see that the tires are turned towards him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's the first thing that I notice is that there's a guy

[Bert Kreischer]

turned towards him slightly. A little bit more. And they were coming. Right. You know, a lot of people got on. When I left town, I came back and observed a lot of things. And a lot of comedians seem like they've turned against each other because people got too much into politics. And it got like, that's just terrible. This is awful. But YMH has been showing awful things for many, many years.

[Tom Segura]

Many years.

[Bert Kreischer]

You made your bones on it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't. It is crazy how many guys got involved in politics, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so lame.

[Tom Segura]

It's so weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so lame. Go vote. But, like, what?

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Show people suffering.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let's see how terrible this gets. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's another guy.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's. He's in the really bad spot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Buena Barbara.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's worse.

[Bert Kreischer]

Literally, right on it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. He's standing. Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cliff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, thank God. That tree. Oh, my God. It's such a drop. Stop.

[Tom Segura]

Driving is insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's the driver there? Is this some guy? Like, hey, move this up for me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I'll watch you move it up for me. I've never done this before.

[Tom Segura]

This was.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did he get out there? They could only get out through the. That big door. You could have a cliff.

[Tom Segura]

I knew it. No one was injured in this bullshit. But extremely terrified. That's what the note says.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He believe he was in reverse, but

[Bert Kreischer]

visually, I know you would be clued off that you're not in reverse.

[Tom Segura]

Dude,

[Bert Kreischer]

wait, where would he know?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy. Hold on. All right. For sure. You have to back up.

[Tom Segura]

He's. He's. He's just giving it a touch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you can see that he needs to. Oh, that's why he's turned. He thinks he's in reverse to go like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, now you're going to want to stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop still. Stop still. Stop, still. Stop. It's so long of him not being in reverse.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, so close.

[Tom Segura]

You think they're laughing like, this was fun. Or was that cries of terror?

[Bert Kreischer]

You could put those. Terror. Yeah, you could put those laughs over, like a gentle. Like. What's the one with the horses?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Merry go round.

[Bert Kreischer]

Merry go round.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it would. It would fit. It would fit their screams of terror.

[Tom Segura]

That was really nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

He.

[Tom Segura]

His brain. Short circuit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Short circuit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever had that where you're like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was just. Wasn't thinking right very briefly, but yeah, it's usually like a quick thing where you're like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah. That was awful, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crunch. Is he going, that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Is he fixed?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's under the. Oh, no. You didn't even see a guy there, there.

[Tom Segura]

He was fixing the stoplight, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Stoplight or. Yeah, some electrical. Did somebody hit him?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, somebody hit the car. Somebody probably hit the truck that has.

[Bert Kreischer]

The chair truck didn't move at all. He just fell right out of it.

[Tom Segura]

We don't see it. It's. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta strap in. That's why you gotta strap in.

[Tom Segura]

That one was pretty rough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Safety first. That guy.

[Tom Segura]

That guy's a piece of that was recording. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did. How do you.

[Tom Segura]

Why did he hide it as soon as it happened? Yeah, yeah, he hit it bad. Cameraman for sure. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What an. Also, Was he in on it from that distance? Why would you be recording a guy just fixing a stoplight?

[Tom Segura]

Let's see. He's pretty far away from it. Crunch. He says. He says crunch before it happens. Crunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does he know something's about to hit that?

[Tom Segura]

Maybe he does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crunch. He does say crunch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Don't tell me. The truck he was working on was hit by a car. He was okay and only suffered minor injuries, surprisingly.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you fell from two feet in the air. That's your vertical. And broke everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that guy fell from a cherry picker. That's like two basketball feet high.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He had a helmet. I should have worn a helmet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should wear a helmet. Your arm would have been fine. Are you recovering from that completely or are you still in pain?

[Tom Segura]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I'm good, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no. Get out of there.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? What. What's she screaming about? Is something maybe. Or she's interfere.

[Tom Segura]

I think maybe she. She was. She didn't get hit, but I think in trying to dip away, she got.

[Bert Kreischer]

That scream was my. My leg is off. That's that kind of scream.

[Tom Segura]

But she broke her leg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But the driver was okay due to the roll cage here. See it again? Yeah. She lost her footing trying to get out of the way right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh,

[Tom Segura]

oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't see it. God damn. Holy.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa. Look at the leg on the woman. It's fine, it's fine. It's fine. And right there. Oh, it's 90 degrees. Wow. Oh, now let's put that scream over a Ferris wheel and see if that carries the same. Wow. That is. The weird thing is. Bless you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of unrelated to the. To the car. I mean, it was caused by it, but it wasn't like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If any. If there was like, you know, I mean, if there was free tacos and she was running, she would have done that. She would have done that too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And she was. It was just that little movement that she made.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not in shape.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That one's closer to your basketball.

[Tom Segura]

It totally is. That's what happens. That's what happens also.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Weird. My. My thought didn't at all go to the car flipping. My. When I first it was like, who's he going to murder on this role?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

The roll cage did it. God.

[Tom Segura]

So it was kind of horrible. And then it got hilarious. And I would. I would argue that the scream was really funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

The screen, because. Oh, I forgot we were playing.

[Tom Segura]

I thought that the scream was less about the pain than the moment. She sees it.

[Bert Kreischer]

She sees it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she sees it and she's like, that's not right. That's not right. My foot never points that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen my foot so many times. I've never done that. Dude, I had a. I had a.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, dude, I can't take these thighsman.

[Tom Segura]

That's the last one. That's the last one. Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was at the Jon Jones fight where he broke. Where he. Not the Jon Jones Anderson silva where he broke. Where he just snapped it. And I was close and it was like. It didn't make sense.

[Tom Segura]

I was at the Connor one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It looks like a sock you fill up with like a bunch of marbles.

[Tom Segura]

And when they go to step too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And they don't know it yet. Yeah, they stepping like.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you know, I saw it because I was. I was close. I saw it before the reaction, you know, where I so like I. I see it step and I'm like, oh, no. And then all of a sudden, like, it's like 1, 2, 3. You see everyone like, yeah, it was horrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, what a terrible. Did you wait?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So he's doing a high dive job.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's like. He's about to jump. And I guess it looks like there's slots. Slots in there. Slats. What is it? What's the word I'm looking for? It's poorly designed.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's very Mine. That's crazy. You're about to jump off that. Was that a not in.

[Tom Segura]

See?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they need a board on that. They don't have a board. The board's off. And he goes, fuck the safety rules. I'll do it anyway. Went right through it. Okay, but here's the problem.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

So high dives is generally a judge sport.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the score? I'd say pretty. Pretty poor.

[Tom Segura]

It's poor for execution.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn't get no splash, though.

[Tom Segura]

No splash.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. That's one of the keys you're looking for.

[Tom Segura]

Original.

[Bert Kreischer]

Original. Yeah. No one's done this kind of die before.

[Tom Segura]

Creative. Yeah. So six, three.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have a new moment? Do you have a mic that's here just when you have a fart to fart into it. Is that Christina going, don't fart in my fucking mic anymore?

[Tom Segura]

No, she's like, please have a mic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a spare mic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got a mic called fart.

[Tom Segura]

He's the fart mic. Yeah. She loves it.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you gave an autistic child a billion dollars, they would build the YMH studios.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. Did you see the now mega viral clip of Ray J on Cam Newton's show?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

You got. No, it's a few weeks ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ray J is the one who fucked the Kardashian.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who. Center famous.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Who was. His is built to please, as you like to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And right. Cam. You know Cam, former NFL all pro quarterback.

[Bert Kreischer]

Panther great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, great quarterback. So I just love it when a

[Bert Kreischer]

woman weighs in on sports. Remember that one? He goes. I just think it's funny when people like what it was. No, I mean, just like you've never. Oh, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. That was hot. There was also the moment. I love the. The. From the in game. Mike is on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like standing behind the line of scrimmage and the linebacker says like. Like, screen, screen, screen, or something like that. And Cams goes, oh, you've been watching film, huh? Watch this. And then takes the snap from the shotgun formation and throws it. A touchdown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Launches one downfield.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's like. It's like close to the end zone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

But like, he's like, you've been watching film, huh? Watch this. And then he just throws it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

It's awesome. It's one of my favorite.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's also watching film and he knows one weakness. He's like, no, you got My play picked up, but you don't. The Titan is going to go out and you don't know.

[Tom Segura]

It's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

It might be this one right here. Here it is. That's cool. Watch this.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's having fun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like a Kid McCaffrey touchdown.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. It's so cool, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a wheel route. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

To be in the NFL.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's still just playing the game.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

So anyway, he has. Right. This. This. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So he has a. He has a podcast now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of athletes doing podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of them. This one's. He's great. And this is. This interaction is amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like a. I like a. We'll play in a second. But I like a. Like this. Like a former rapper or former athlete podcast. Because you're like, I'm done. Yeah, I'll say anything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you can't take anything away from me. This is all just bonus.

[Tom Segura]

All the smoke. That's one of the best ones, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's all the smoke?

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that 50 Cent?

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson Sacks. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Matt Barnes is one of the few threats of violence I got after that Kobe tweet that I was like, no, that's fair. You knew him. Oh, yeah, that one's. That one's fair.

[Tom Segura]

This. Their. Their show is great, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting.

[Tom Segura]

It's great. They just have all.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're just like, I'm done playing. This is like this fun bonus thing. I don't care if I say something wrong or you take it all away.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care. It's all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they have great conversations with a. But, like, they've had so many good episodes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let me see Cam and Ray J.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, here you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

They got James record for the uk.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

What a way to come into this.

[Ari Shaffir]

I know you asked me that last

[Bert Kreischer]

time, and I just. Because it's not.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Last time wasn't this time. But when you say, I'mma knock you out and put you in my bed, that That's.

[Ari Shaffir]

That means I was going to sleep him and then put him in the bed with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's right. That's the gay thing. Very suspect choice of words, brother. By the way, they're both dressed so gay. Yeah, they're both dressed. Not just gay. They're both dressed gay to impress.

[Tom Segura]

Well, well, Cam is famous for his fashion, you know? You know, like, he always has had, like, Pretty. Yeah. Burned out fashion.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure. Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if you put this guy at Mickey's on west on Santa Monica Boulevard was Hollywood. You wouldn't go, that's an athlete, right? You just go, that's some guy at Mickey's. I don't either way.

[Ari Shaffir]

So I listen to like. So I listen to like Biggie Smalls. You like Biggie giving you analogy. There's a. There's a. There's something to it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you answer yes or no and then go into that. That side was great.

[Ari Shaffir]

Shout out to the gay G. Yes. What does it matter if I'm gay or not?

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. It doesn't matter. I just asking a question.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's part that. That's. I mean. Okay, so people like people when they leave here. We're all together when you leave and it's done and it's a wrap for the day. Everybody's gonna do something. Everybody's gonna go to their prospective places. Some people are gonna go home. And I hate to say this, but it's just gonna be grimy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's like talking to a drunk head.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta hear this. Hold on. Some people are gonna go home.

[Ari Shaffir]

They got a dog, their favorite dog. They stop by the store, grab some peanut butter, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Go home excited to see they dog. They put a bunch of peanut butter on their feet till the dog could lick it off. Some people even go further to watch TV on all fours, slap a little bit peanut butter in the crack and enjoy themselves. And the dog is having a good time, Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cam is so mad.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't know what that is. It's none of my business.

[Tom Segura]

It's none of my business.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever did that?

[Ari Shaffir]

Have I ever had a dog lick my ass with peanut butter in it? No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I. But I'm familiar with it, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Willy Ray.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm familiar with it because I caught somebody doing it.

[Tom Segura]

Willy Ray.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? What?

[Ari Shaffir]

No names, but it was a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Willie Ray. Yes. How old are you? I'm 45. You're 45 years old? In 45 years of living, have you ever been with a man? I mean, it's. No, you have not.

[Ari Shaffir]

You have not. Is. Now you're going into.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

I'm just trying to confirm.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, but I don't want to. But ears.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a long pause to say no.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Board pause. And I'm the only straight person on the board. But again, I have friends. Shout out to. To Rod. Shout out to dumping D. Shout out to back shot. Shout out to busy Baby supports the agency and all the.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the gagency?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's not an agency. It's a agency. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, thank you.

[Ari Shaffir]

All things LGBTQ +I I sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's just because you. I was already going there, and then you looked up and I'll plus I ate. But it's I plus okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, cool. He's like, I don't care about any of this. Are you. Are you a homo?

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't have to ask this, but it's fair. Are you gay?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, sir. Okay, look how much quicker that answer was.

[Ari Shaffir]

See?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I've never experienced nobody getting licked. I'm just.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, but that's older people. Okay? Other people do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you consider 36 old?

[Ari Shaffir]

No, I'm thinking, like, it's like 50, 55.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good thing I'm 36. So.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. So I'm older.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

That too. He was like.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I mean, hold on. He's. He's nine years older than them. So when. Yeah, when Ray J was 30, Cam was not in the NFL now.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So why are you shocked that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember him getting drafted and you were already dudes at the time?

[Tom Segura]

That, wow. Is be like, it's crazy that I'm older than you. It's like. No, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, I'm so young. Yeah, semen keeps you young.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not like that. I'm just saying I feel young.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Again, my apologies for the peanut butter stuff. It just was an analogy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Say less.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just telling an experience.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's not mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but you experience someone.

[Ari Shaffir]

I saw it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which is still there.

[Ari Shaffir]

The peanut butter was there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he holds a cigarette guy.

[Tom Segura]

The whole thing was.

[Bert Kreischer]

The whole thing's pretty.

[Tom Segura]

It's one of the best clips I've seen in a long while.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a lot. A lot to unpack.

[Tom Segura]

First. He's like, are you gay? He's like, do you like Biggie Smalls? It just goes like, can you just answer? He's like, you like Biggie?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was talking to Ray J like, like, you talked to a drunk Heckler.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's not taking. Like, are you Got me on that one. They just keep going. And eventually, like, did. You're belligerent.

[Tom Segura]

We got to get him out of here. Yeah, we can't do this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on, guys. I've tried.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, exactly. That's exactly how he is. And then he's like, we're all going to leave here, right? We're all people like, yeah,

[Bert Kreischer]

some people

[Tom Segura]

love the dog, and they're going to go get peanut butter, and when they get home, that's what they're going to do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Has you ever did that? And he goes, no, but I've seen people. He goes, that's one where Bert would be like, get sidetracked on the story.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cam stayed in the pocket and go, I'm. I'll go down that road in a minute. I want this gay answer. So let's stay on point.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the part of the brilliance of this clip is honestly, Cam not speaking, play calling. He. He knew to let him go. And that's like a great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Every podcast needs to learn that. I do.

[Tom Segura]

Interviewer tactic. Right. If somebody is on one like this, you gotta just stay quiet. That's why we got this clip, is because he stayed quiet. That was amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I point something else out too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you just watch on mute. Cam Newton didn't put a lot of money in these chairs. They're very rickety. Just from a production standpoint, like, get something stronger.

[Tom Segura]

You want better chairs?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Press play. Watch it shake. You don't have to listen to it as it moves.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cheap, Cam. Cheap, bro. Rookie of the year.

[Tom Segura]

I did not go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, all right, fair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

There.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a high level. That's the shit I would do in my apartment.

[Tom Segura]

You're the only guy who watched this probably in the world with some of these chairs, bro. Ari, are you gay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom, man, if Bert was here, we could have a long talk. Okay. Do I have friends?

[Tom Segura]

Can you please just answer the question, yes or no?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm setting up an analogy for what I'm talking about.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do I have friends? Yes. Yes. Now, a lot of those friends have hats, have baseball caps, have other types of. Some have cowboy hats. And everyone wears a different cap at different times. And sometimes tomorrow. Sometimes they don't wear any cap at all. They just brush their hair and go out. And I'm out here to judge those people. How old are you?

[Tom Segura]

47.

[Bert Kreischer]

So whatever cap you have on is your cap for the day. And I'm familiar with people who've done it every way. Next question. What?

[Tom Segura]

You like hats, right? So insane. All right, listen. This was a lot of fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

This was a lot of fun. Dude, this is such a fun part. I'm sorry Christina couldn't be here today.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't forget to buy her lipstick. Can we show one of these production cards? That the idiots made.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Can we.

[Bert Kreischer]

So my last production card was me, actually. It was that moment. You. You made it happen. I don't. I. I'm an outsider of Hollywood and so, like, you need a production card. You're. I'm like, I'm not actually. That's my old one. It's just me blurred out on stage after you told me, take your dick out. Well, I was happy.

[Tom Segura]

That was me.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was you?

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And it was a great suggestion.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I was like, let's do that. How about a blurred out shot of my cocktail?

[Tom Segura]

Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'm sure my first thing was like, have my. And they're like, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

And so what's the other one?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was gone traveling and have my files and we had to start finishing these. So I wrote to Niana and Zolo and the rest of them, and I was like, guys, if you don't mind the extra work, make me any production card or production cards you want for the end and I'll just force myself to use those.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I have not seen them all. I've seen a couple of. They're rude.

[Tom Segura]

The rude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some of them are, I would say, over the line. Okay, can we get. Oh, come on.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's the card.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's okay. So it goes ymh. And that goes Eric Abrams card. And the U. I hear that. Where it goes like this. Whatever. And then that

[Tom Segura]

shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Caitlin made that one. Who made that? Caitlin? Wow. I trusted you.

[Tom Segura]

That is slightly offensive.

[Bert Kreischer]

The cool thing about making a TV show completely on your own is you're allowed to do whatever you want.

[Tom Segura]

You really can. That's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

There's other ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some are less offensive. This is me dancing at carnival. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Did you go to carnival? Yeah, I was prevost. Oh, you said it was amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was just the best. Just dancing and drinking. Oh, come on. All right, that.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty. Which one did they use?

[Bert Kreischer]

They used seven of them. Seven episodes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they switched them out. Okay, let me see another one. These are fucking great, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have no regret.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty great.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're really getting in there. Panda. Nice.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty great, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. If you want to hear a story about that card, Episode one of the End with me, Colin Terrell and Tom Segura. Yeah, that's another one where you're like, are you worried about telling these stories? Oh, my God. I gotta talk to him. Yeah, yeah, he's fine. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's from you. Be tripping.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Oh, boy.

[Tom Segura]

Ah. Oh. Oh, I remember the Jew clam. That's kind of. That reminds me of Ju clam. That first one is nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

The first one? Yeah. No one stays till the end. No one stays to the end or it already be in trouble.

[Tom Segura]

It's a gold coin that is inside.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who did that one? Kaylin.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice, bro.

[Tom Segura]

That's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

You really have. It's like you've trained a bunch of lions and then released donkeys and go, let's see what they do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they kill it all the time. Man, These guys are so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Get the end. It'[e-mail]. all the comedians participate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We're paying the comments.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not like this doesn't really been done. I don't. Is this done ever? There's, like, points for, like, stars, but, like, not like this.

[Tom Segura]

Not like this. No. It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're told all the comments. There was a mixture of comics between people who were like, wanted to do show always, and it was never on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They got canceled. They couldn't do it. I've always wanted to. Old timers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like you, who was like, I love this show. It's funny, too. When the show got sort of canceled.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they were like, are you still gonna do it? You and Bert were like, no, no, I didn't want to do it already. No. He's a favorite for Ari. Ari's out. What are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

No way. But.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, yeah. And it was like, all these guys are doing, like, let's split up the money with everybody.

[Tom Segura]

It's a very cool idea. It's very cool. The show is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. And thank you for helping it happen. And all these guys.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely. Thank you. They. They killed it. And don't forget, check out Chicho Bomba.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Chicho bomba. Oh, that's the bakery.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chicha bomba.

[Tom Segura]

What is a little fat ass? Like, we call little fat chicha bomba.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah. Check out the bakery. I'm going today, please. Can I ask you a question?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So today is like a soft launch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's like a little. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And it's okay either way. But I just want to know, like, is today, like, freebies or is like a pay thing?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man, it's. It's free.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, cancel that order from the burrito place.

[Tom Segura]

You can eat your heart out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Well, buddy, I'm gonna eat you poor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, please do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now you're gonna rename it Pobre Segura.

[Tom Segura]

And how you say thank you in Hebrew. All right. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. Are you jew? Slender. Retied.

[Bert Kreischer]

My God.

[Tom Segura]

Are you jew? Slender gender fluid in your mouth. Are you jew? Blender reti. Retied. Are you jew? Give me your gender fluid. Are you jewed? Blender retied.

[Bert Kreischer]

Book my.

[Tom Segura]

Are you jewid? Slender. Gender fluid in your mouth. Are you jewish? Splendor? Retard. Retard. Are you jewish? Splendor. Gender fluid in your mouth.