Meet Me At Café Bích Nga | Your Mom's House Ep. 831

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Meet Me At Café Bích Nga"

Your Mom's House Ep. 831 | Christina P. & Tom Segura | October 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

Comedians and married couple Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky ("the Mommies") welcome listeners back to Your Mom's House for a typically hilarious, irreverent episode mixing stand-up gossip, personal banter, dental updates, culture talk, and their signature wild internet clips. This episode features plenty of unique YMH candor: candid discussion about periods, dental visits, restaurant names with double meanings, the weight of aging and fears, and a slew of offbeat viral videos—plus, as always, teasing, laughter, and absurdity abound.

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Episode Breakdown & Key Segments

1. Setting the Mood: Periods, Dental Anxiety, and Grouchiness

• Mood Check: Both Tom and Christina admit to waking up in bad moods, jokingly questioning if Tom’s grumpiness is due to “his period” (00:51-01:34).
  • Christina shares: "I'm in a bad mood. ... I'm getting my period." (01:14)
  • Tom: "Maybe that's what it is for me too." (01:24)
• Playful Gender Confusion: The hosts riff on men having periods, femboy TikToks, and gender-label confusion, blending earnestness and mockery. (02:17-03:49)

2. Restaurant Names, Cultural Nuances & Double Entendres

• Café Bích Nga: Tom shares a story about visiting a Vietnamese restaurant with a name that, to English speakers, comes off as a cheeky double entendre (06:05-09:01).
  • Tom: "So I have just arrived at cafe in Tampa, Florida. It is Vietnamese food and I'm very excited for what's to come." (06:05)
  • Christina: "She said she can give it to you for free." (08:08)
• The duo riff on linguistics, cultural translation, and the popularity of phonetically suggestive restaurant names like “Pho King” and “Tai Phuk.”

3. Race, Identity, and Casual Mostly-Playful Edginess

• Fake Arguments & Social Commentary:
  • Christina admits to yelling at colleagues in her head but not out loud, prompting Tom to ask, "Do you say the N word?" in your head? (04:49)
  • Christina: “No, it doesn't always go there with whites, any." (04:51)
  • Tom and Christina lampoon the silly things people confess in interviews regarding racial slurs (05:37-06:05), with the underlying message: Just lie, don’t confess random things unnecessarily.

4. Global Cuisine & History: Germans in Argentina

• Spiraling from Bích Nga, the hosts ponder why so much German culture is found in Argentina, getting into WWII history, culinary fusion (meats, sausages, and pastries), and complicated pasts.
  • "They allowed many Germans and Nazi collaborators and fleeing Nazi officials into the country due to a combination of factors..." (15:25)
  • Christina on food: "The krauts love their meats and sausages. You know me, I love the German snozies." (14:37)

5. Family, Aging, and Fears: Who You Don’t Want to Become

• Prompted by an Amy Poehler interview:
  • Prompt: "Who's the person you're most afraid of becoming?" (51:42)
  • Christina’s answer: becoming embittered, isolated, or a burden — “my mother who was so mentally ill and ended up dying alone because she pissed everybody off.” (52:44-53:17)
  • Tom’s answer: the “negative, excuse-making guy”—the comic who always blames others, never himself, for career setbacks (54:20-55:51).
  • "(The person) that's not why you didn't get the gig. It's not because they were like, we don't want someone like you...You're this traveling pocket of negativity." (54:20)
  • Christina: "It's Colin Robinson from what we do in the shadows. He's the emotional vampire." (56:56)

6. Personal Hygiene, Dental Updates, and Toilet Habits

• Dental Adventures:
  • Tom’s delayed cleaning due to touring leads to dental sensitivity and the discovery of a small cavity.
  • Christina: “This is a huge YMH thing. This is as important as pulling your jeans up. Dental updates.” (38:12)
  • Playful comparison of gum grading; Christina brags hers are all zeros (41:09-41:46), Tom confesses to “twos and threes.”
• Wiping Rituals:
  • The hosts break down a viral clip about “catching your poop with tissue in your hand” (34:00-35:48), leading to cross-cultural toilet talk and debates about examining your poop for health.

7. Internet Clips: Rants, Failures & Absurdity

• Casino Rage Compilation:
  • Tom and Christina analyze a guy being kicked out of a casino and his self-righteous rant (21:29-22:54), riffing on "I've never regretted ejecting someone from a show." (22:38)
• Wild Videos:
  • Multiple viral fails (bike crashes, bad haircuts, roof-jumping buffoonery), plus typical YMH diversity of oddball personalities and “worst haircut” chat (44:00-71:01).
• Taxidermy Disgust:
  • Visceral reactions to “soft mount” posable taxidermy (72:32-73:10).

8. Treats, Self-Care & Modern Trends

• Satirical commentary on “adulting” tropes—rewarding oneself with “treats” for simple tasks (65:20-67:08).
  • Christina: “Adulthood is doing bad things and not getting treats.” (66:56)
  • Tom: “Very treat based. Yes. ... We see how that went.” (67:03)

9. Existential Wisdom & Notable Quotes

• On Being Understood:
  • Viral clip: "What's the one thing you wish people understood about you more?"
  • “Nothing. ... Nothing. You.” (76:51-77:13)
  • Christina: “You can’t be understood by everyone. ... It’s pointless. You can’t do it. It’s impossible.” (77:13-77:46)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Periods:
  • “The whole purpose of this podcast has been to just normalize men having periods.” – Tom (02:22)
• On Racial Slurs:
  • “Well, yes, I was. It was 1963. ... Like, you don't have to tell people.” – Tom (05:55)
• On Excuse-Makers/‘Victim’ Mindset:
  • “You're this traveling pocket of negativity that walks into the room and everyone wants to jump out a window.” – Tom (54:20)
• On Examining Poop:
  • “You got to assess your bowel movement. Look, this guy’s got everything right in life. ... She’s not tripping. She is being a normal human.” – Christina (37:17-37:29)
• On Emotional Vampires:
  • “It's Colin Robinson from what we do in the shadows. He’s the emotional vampire.” – Christina (56:56)
• On Not Needing to be Understood:
  • “Nothing. ... Nothing. You.” – (76:51-77:13, from viral clip echoed by the hosts)

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YMH Originals: The Tone & Energy

As always, Tom and Christina lurk between outrageous and intimately confessional, quick to recognize their own grumpiness or self-doubt, matching it with signature snark. They blend legitimate insights about aging, family, and their industry with relentless ridicule of odd viral moments, quirks, and the absurdity of modern adult life.

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Final Thoughts

This packed episode is classic YMH—a rowdy mix of real-life vulnerability, unfiltered humor, scatological banter, social commentary, weird internet finds, and warm if raunchy rapport between hosts. Listeners will get updates on Tom and Christina’s lives, plenty of culture-jamming, and much laughter at the oddities of contemporary society and their own personal discomforts.

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Key Timestamps for Main Segments:

• Hormones & Period Banter: 00:51–03:49
• Bích Nga Café & Wordplay: 06:05–10:09
• German-Argentine History & Cuisine: 14:02–17:49
• Casino Rant/Comedy Show Ejection: 21:29–24:34
• Dental Update: 38:03–41:46
• Poop Habits & Health: 34:00–37:29
• "Who Are You Afraid of Becoming?" 51:42–56:57
• Existential Wisdom (Being Understood): 76:51–78:11

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For more YMH, visit:

• TomSegura.com
• ChristinaPOnline.com
• YMHStudios.com

Transcript

[A]

What's everybody And Happy October. Next week I'm bringing my Coming Together tour to New Jersey and New York. I'll be in Newark at the New Jersey Performing arts Center on October 15, then Brooklyn at King's Theater on Friday, October 17, followed by Westbury as the flag star at Westbury Music Fair for two shows on Saturday, October 18th. The 5pm show is sold out. You can try to get tickets for the 8:30pm show. Tickets and all info, it'[e-mail] tour well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to the show.

[B]

Welcome.

[A]

This is your mama's place. She's Christine. I'm Tim. Let's rock and roll.

[B]

What's going on? You don't seem like you're in a good mood. Is it because you visited the dentist this morning?

[A]

I mean, I didn't enjoy it, if that's what you're asking. Yeah, I didn't enjoy it. I didn't like it.

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

I didn't enjoy it. I didn't like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We going to talk about it?

[A]

Maybe later.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm here for you. I want to hear it, though.

[A]

Thanks. How was your morning?

[B]

It was cool. I'm grouchy. I'm. I'm like. I'm in a bad mood. Honestly. I just woke up kind of grumpy and I. I know what it is. I'm getting my period.

[A]

Maybe that's what it is for me too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My period starting when it started. No, I mean, I feel it coming.

[B]

Same. And it's like, God, already just ready, just start.

[A]

Let the drop. Blood drop. Yeah.

[B]

Because once it does, it's like, okay, now I can handle life again. But I'm. I'm literally, I'm going insane.

[A]

It's the anticipation of it.

[B]

Right? You do.

[A]

Same. Same.

[B]

Do you get anxious, too, and anxious?

[A]

Grumpy, the whole thing.

[B]

And what about your cramps? How are those doing?

[A]

They're ramping up. Yeah.

[B]

How many days is your cycle now?

[A]

Seven.

[B]

It's seven days long. And then how many days in between your cycles?

[A]

I don't know. 21.

[B]

Wow, you're bleeding a lot. Like every three weeks?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow, that's. That's kind of a heavy flow.

[A]

I still produce a lot of eggs.

[B]

You sure do. Yeah. Do you feel it when you ovulate?

[A]

Of course. The thing is, a lot of people don't know that the whole purpose of this podcast has been to just normalize men having periods.

[B]

Duh.

[A]

Yeah, Duh.

[B]

And we've been a huge proponent of that since the dawn of time.

[A]

Yeah. Before anybody else was talking about it.

[B]

I know. And then society was like, hey, everybody, men have periods. And we were like, we've been saying that since what, 2010, bro.

[A]

What's your definition of a man?

[B]

First of all, I'm a femboy. Did you know that.

[A]

You.

[B]

I'm a femboy. I found out today on TikTok.

[A]

Well, how'd you find that out?

[B]

Heather Mills did a social media thing where they take a picture of you and then it matches you to the audio. I'm a femboy.

[A]

What does that mean? What does that mean?

[B]

What is what. What does anything mean? What does it matter?

[A]

What does anything mean? What is that?

[B]

What does it matter? I just am. What's a femboy? Can you look that up?

[A]

Means you're a dude. Right? Femboy refers to a male or non berry person, non binary person. Using aesthetically and culturally female elements to express. Oh, you're. You're.

[B]

That's so gay.

[A]

Yeah, you're gay.

[B]

You know why? I think it's cuz I'm wearing this little Lord Fauntleroy type shirt and I have little Lord Fauntleroy hair and I think it picked up on those kind of gayish femboy vibes. Yeah, I'm a dandy. I'm dressed like a dandy.

[A]

You are kind of dandy.

[B]

I'm a dandy.

[A]

Yeah. Can one of you swing the monitor out? Do you mind?

[B]

Oh, how the did that happen?

[A]

No, no. Probably somebody moved it.

[B]

Who the moved that?

[A]

I don't know, somebody. That's probably why we were doing ads. Beautiful. Thank you. It's fine. That's no big deal. It's just harder to see when it's flat. What? Do you want to yell at somebody?

[B]

I want you to yell at somebody. No, because I'm on my period.

[A]

Oh, right. Does it feel satisfying when somebody, like, dresses someone down for you?

[B]

I like it when you do it. Because really I won't. I don't have the courage to do that.

[A]

Try it.

[B]

It's not my style.

[A]

Just give it a shot.

[B]

I do it. Okay, here's what. I do it. I do it at night when I'm falling asleep.

[A]

To yourself. In your head.

[B]

Any. You know, the monitor's supposed to be facing me. Why isn't it. Hey, you hate me.

[A]

She just chose a random name.

[B]

Yeah, it's just not personal. But I know that you take it personally. So.

[A]

Do you say the N word?

[B]

No.

[A]

In your head. In your head.

[B]

No, it doesn't always go there with whites any.

[A]

It's fine if it's in your head, first of all.

[B]

Yes, it does.

[A]

But it's just in your head.

[B]

You assume that all whites think that word at you.

[A]

What was that? Was that her inner thoughts?

[B]

That's you.

[A]

That's you.

[B]

That's not me.

[A]

That's you at night, right next to your pillow.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Just this.

[B]

Do you like that?

[A]

Is that jj?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's an old. That's an old cut. That's a deep right there, bro.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I don't always think the N word.

[A]

Well. Yeah. Okay. All right.

[B]

You know what I love is when my favorite is when white people admit to having said the word once in their life.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Or they're like, I may have said it once. It's like, of course.

[A]

In an interview, too. They're in an interview, you're like, what is their footage of it? Crazy. Stupid.

[B]

Stop. Don't even talk.

[A]

That is the dumbest thing that people do. Well, yes, I was. It was 1963. Yeah. Like, you don't have to tell people.

[B]

Yeah, just don't. Don't talk about it.

[A]

Just lie. Have you not lied before? Jesus. All right, so let's get back to the show, and in keeping with the theme of the last few seconds, let's open the show. Here you go. So I have just arrived at cafe in Tampa, Florida. It is Vietnamese food and I'm very excited for what's to come. So when you first walk in, you know, it's actually very clean. Like, it doesn't give, you know, cafe. Don't bring anyone. Mother's your mom in the stand.

[B]

Welcome gift.

[A]

With Tom Segura.

[B]

And Christina.

[A]

P. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah.

[B]

That'S good. Yeah.

[A]

Cafe. Okay.

[B]

So he said it's not giving.

[A]

It's not giving those vibes.

[B]

What did he too.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Hi. How are you?

[A]

Can I ask you, how do you pronounce the name of the cafe? Are these like the little pants?

[B]

Yes, I can give you that for free. These are named Cafe.

[A]

I love.

[B]

She said she can give it to you for free.

[A]

I heard the same thing. Cuz you a big. You know what you're doing? Well, I see a big and I know a big now when I see one.

[B]

Yeah, but she charges other people a dollar.

[A]

Yeah, she's like, oh, I. We get this sometimes. Cafe. And then we also had one, I think in Houston. We had Dallas or Houston. Tell me how they say this in Japanese or Vietnamese or the other knees. This say. Yeah, don't it tell me. It don't say.

[B]

Right. And like, they know what they're doing.

[A]

It's apparently, like, so widely used in the US there's like a thousand of these.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. So it must be very common in Vietnamese. That.

[B]

And there was one in San Francisco called it Tai P H U K E. Yeah. You know what you're doing?

[A]

Well, you know, you have to know whenever you travel, you learn. Oh, if you say that like, you say fanny in the uk, they're like, you know what that means here, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if you open your fanny shop, it would be like, you know, worth note. It'd be notable. People be like, hey, aren't you aware of what you're saying here? Yeah, it's kind of strange right now.

[B]

It's not big now. No, but. And the whites can't say it. You know what you're doing.

[A]

Nobody knows you know what you're doing.

[B]

And not only that, like, you're in. You're in whitey neighborhoods.

[A]

But that kind of leads me to believe that if you open a big somewhere in the United States, you're really only trying to get other Vietnamese people to frequent it because they're going, oh, big na. Like, I love Big nha, You know, so. Yeah, right. But if you're. If you're like, oh, I'm trying to get a. A broader fan base to come in here, Mik Nga might not be the best.

[B]

That's a good point, Tom. But maybe rebrand. Maybe the food is so good at BC nha, it's only for the Vietnamese. You know how they, like.

[A]

I'm telling you, you know, when you're in a good spot, if there's no.

[B]

No whiteies, no whities, and it's. It's just a good.

[A]

I'm saying a good Asian food spot is the one frequented by non whites, 100,000 million percent. You walk in and they're like, what are you doing here? You're like, can I? You're like, okay.

[B]

Or there's only pictures of the food.

[A]

And, like, no written and old communist leaders. And you're like, hey, this is kind of cool. Yeah.

[B]

Remember when we went to that Korean cold pot?

[A]

This should be real good here.

[B]

He watches over you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that poor part. Glorious leader.

[A]

Yeah. Strong decisions. You wipe out all the bad people. And then we leave and we open big nap here. You're cool, man.

[B]

You like fo.

[A]

You like fa, fa pho.

[B]

Pho. And Then white people discovered pho.

[A]

You fat. You found a Ho Chi Minh? Yeah. Yeah. He's cool. Yeah.

[B]

Ho Chi Minh soup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You eat. You like. You like Mao? Yeah. Mao is great. This show is sponsored by Liquid iv. My key to making the switch from days filled with tan lines to ones filled with deadlines is to prioritize exercise. Thanks to Liquid IV's new Sugar Free hydrating multiplier, sugar free energy, I can skip the sugar and the crash. I am a huge, huge, huge fan of this product. I use Liquid IV literally every day I travel with it. I had one every night before bed because I like having that electrolyte boost before bed. I wake up and I train and I feel so much better. It's scientifically formulated to support physical energy, hydration, focus, mood and social stamina. Whether you want to avoid the afternoon slump or need something to boost your next day recovery, Liquid IV has got you covered. Just one stick in 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. With three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks and eight essential vitamins and nutrients, it's always non GMO, vegan, gluten free, dairy free and soy free. Ditch the glitch with zero sugar and zero crash from Liquid IV. Tear poor, live more. Go to liquidiv.com get 20% off your first order with the code YMH at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with THE CODE [e-mail] Listen up. There's an online cannabis company that combines federally legal THC and functional ingredients to target every mood and health concern that ships right to your door. I'm talking about Mood.com's incredible line of functional gummies and you can get 20% off your first [e-mail] with the promo code your mom forget one size fits all supplements that only get you high. Mood's functional gummies are optimized to kick in in as little as 15 minutes and take you to the mood you're looking for. Whether that's magic mind for deep work and creativity, PMS support for cramps and mood swings, or their sexual euphoria. Gummies to help you feel ready for action. Best of all, every mood product is backed by a 100 day satisfaction guarantee and listeners get 20% off your first order with the code your mom. This is a really great product that like they said, you can take for any kind of mood you're looking for. That's what I love the variety. So head to mood.com find the functional gummy that matches exactly what you're looking for. And don't forget to use the promo code your mom when you check out to save 20% off your first order. So here we are at our, our favorite German Goebbels cafe.

[B]

Well that's the one culture that can't.

[A]

Well, they want to.

[B]

They want to.

[A]

So they sure down, they do it down in South America. You're like, wow, this is a crazy that there's this German village here in Argentina. How'd this come about?

[B]

Really? And they have no bones about it because Argentinians are like welcome.

[A]

They're not like in Buenos Aires, but they'll go to like you know, some coastal, oh, smaller town. They're like, yeah, you like they have.

[B]

To fly in all this food from the old country.

[A]

You like to try. Yeah, that sounds cool.

[B]

Is there an argument?

[A]

How'd you guys end up here?

[B]

Is there a cuisine that's Argentinian mixed with German?

[A]

I'm sure, I'm sure you can find it. Yeah, they went to, they went there and they went to Brazil and then a couple but like in numbers, you know.

[B]

Does that explain why there are so many meats in Brazilian cuisine that I don't know? Because the krauts love their meats and sausages. You know me, I love the German snozies. Yeah, the Wiener schnitzel, all these good things.

[A]

We always wanted to come to Argentina.

[B]

It's so lovely here. The sun's shining. The sun and shines.

[A]

Very far from your roots. What took you here?

[B]

How come? Why did the Argentinians welcome them with open arms?

[A]

I don't know. It's a really interesting thing to explore.

[B]

Are they anti udens as well?

[A]

I have no idea. There's clearly a story like let's google it.

[B]

Yeah, let's see.

[A]

Why choose the computer machine?

[B]

Everyone else was like, no thank you. Argentina, Argentina, Argentina.

[A]

Allow you make it a little bigger. It's like come over made. Let's see. They allowed many Germans and Nazi collaborators and fleeing Nazi officials into the country due to a combination of factors. A large German speaking population, no strong culture and economic ties to Germany. Sympathy among some Argentines for the fascist ideology.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A desire to acquire German technological and scientific expertise and a willingness to facilitate escape routes to avoid war crimes prosecution. That's called collaborator. Yeah. Aiden and Abetton, you guys, you have trouble. It's not trouble here because eventually they.

[B]

Could hunt them down in our Argentina, right? Eventually.

[A]

Well yeah, that was a whole thing.

[B]

They could hunt them down and they got them Like, I.

[A]

The Israelis made it a. A huge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, mission of theirs to track down every last one. They got a lot of them. Some of them got to live their lives. Just kind of kept going.

[B]

That's not fair.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not very nice, is it?

[A]

Yeah. So, I mean, it looks like. Yeah. People in. People in power down there back then were like, big deal.

[B]

I know. But it's so important that you go to war with countries that have good cuisine. Yeah. Because, you know, the Vietnam War brought us this place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't want to go to war. Like, unfortunately, we did with Afghanistan. Not the best.

[A]

Did the Germans influence Argentine cuisine? Let's see that.

[B]

Oh, because what is Argentine food?

[A]

Well, I always think of meats.

[B]

Meats and taters.

[A]

Sure. It's a little deeper than that. So let's see. German immigrants and their descendants have influenced Argentine cuisine, particularly in the Eastern and Patagonian regions of Argentina, including dishes like sauerkraut.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Various types of sausages and goulash.

[B]

Oh, the best.

[A]

And the creation of pastries known as facturas. Now, that's very popular. I didn't know that was influenced by them. Those are the Argentine versions of Vienna. Vienna. Sorry, I don't know how to say that. Well, the influence of Italian and Spanish immigration is much larger. German culture has left its culinary mark on the country, and we thank you for that. So there are, in fact, sauerkraut sausages. Goulash.

[B]

Yeah. It credits the Krauts for goulash. This is wrong factually.

[A]

Please. I've had facturas, and that's like, the little pastries that are there.

[B]

Let me see. What do they like? I like that. That sounds really great. You gotta go there just to eat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Hey, guys, quick announcement before we proceed. I am wearing a new shade of Liquid Lipstick.

[A]

You think that's a good way to segue into your ad?

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[B]

I am wearing Evermore Liquid Lipstick. This shade will be coming out in the winter, but Nocturne is out right now. And then I have two colors of Velvet Crush Blush, which is fantastic. Tom, you know how you wear blushes?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I open it up, it's a compact, and it's so buttery soft. And then the warmth of your skin activates it.

[A]

And just like that.

[B]

Just like that. And you put it on, and the color stick, it's. It doesn't. It doesn't make your cheek sticky. You know how you wear sometimes cream blush and it sticks to your hair all day?

[A]

Hate that.

[B]

It's the worst. Well, this one I've developed. It doesn't stick to your hair all day long. And evermore liquid lipstick lasts for so long. Long and whimsy Kiss shimmer gloss in the shade of just like honey. Trot out right now christinap.com also you are on sale. I'm going to increase the price to $2,000.

[A]

There we go. I can't believe this worked last time. You just kept raising price.

[B]

I sold around and find out for $60,000. And you can buy the prints for around and find out right now on ymhstudios.com this one is unique. My head is covering the best part of the drawing because you know.

[A]

Yeah. The least accurate part of the drawing.

[B]

You know, I'm just trying to do my best, Tom. I just. I'm an artist. I'm learning. I'm not perfect.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What? You can buy this to the original. We'll see if I sell prints. I don't know. I'm an artist. Do what I want. You look so strong there. I can't believe you're.

[A]

Yeah, no griping.

[B]

They look strong about one part of the drawing. The rest of it's so strong, it's not very flattering. What are you talking about?

[A]

Look how yoked that you covered up is not very flattering.

[B]

I think it is. I think it is. I. I think you're just having a low self esteem moment on your period and this is not the reflection of reality.

[A]

Okay, so don't you hate that when.

[B]

Your confidence gets shattered on your period too?

[A]

That knocks you down an extra peg, doesn't it?

[B]

Just in the toilet.

[A]

You kind of want the period to end after that.

[B]

Dude, I'm sweating already too. Sweating like a.

[A]

How long till it's over? Over? You think for me like having periods?

[B]

Not soon enough. I'm almost 50 and I'm still doing this.

[A]

I know. So when will it just like tap? When will the five years dry?

[B]

Five years.

[A]

Hopefully five more years of this.

[B]

Because what happens is it doesn't just. The faucet doesn't just shut off. It's like a slow miserable drip. So like you won't get a period one month and then you'll get one and then you'll feel like you're getting it, but then it never comes. So it. Nature destroys you before it takes it away. Yeah, it's just. You know how it is. But you've got a few more years on yours.

[A]

I'm sure I do. Yeah. Can't wait for it to stop. Though.

[B]

Gosh. When did you get your period?

[A]

First 13.

[B]

Yeah, me too. Same.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's so weird.

[A]

So strange. So this is just fun for me to play this one because this is a guy, you know, we, we work in basically the nightclub world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we're in comedy clubs, theaters, casinos, arena, all that is like a nighttime activity. And there's always a couple knuckleheads that make it into one of those venues and sometimes they're asked to leave. And what's interesting is how they react when they're asked to leave. Piece of fat over here threw me out of the casino because I was swearing. Piece of crap over here. You won't be seeing me here anymore. I think that's what they want. Last time that I'm doing a video in this casino, this piece of shit fucking casino, they treat their customers like shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Guy over there sitting. Sitting over there next to me, not even drinking a beer or gambling on the game, you know? Yeah. So I wonder if the encore will recover, you know, from having like a whale like this decide to take his money elsewhere, you know?

[B]

Yeah. I'll tell you, the one consistent thing I've noticed about the people that get ejected from events is that you never regret that decision. Never to be like, this guy needs to leave, cuz they, they always do this. They protest. I was just having fun. You're like, no, you weren't. You're being a douche. You know, you.

[A]

I had this lady a couple weeks ago at a show. Second row, second row, there we go. Just talking, talking. And so, you know, when you're in bigger venues, sometimes you hear little things. You go, I'm not going to address everything, but when it's like, you go, oh, this is continuing to happen. And you're also trying to perform. Right. So you're focusing. And I'm just keep here. And I was like, I'm sorry, what. What is going on? What are you, what are you saying? What? I'm like, what are you saying? You keep talking. What are you saying? She's like, oh, I was telling my son that, you know, he. Because I was telling him that I got his water and I go, what? What kind of sentence is that? She's like, no, I just. I'm. My son's over here. And then so I'm sitting over, I was telling him and I go, this doesn't make. I don't understand what you're saying. Can you, can you be done? And she's like, yeah, I Mean, all right. I'm like, you know, you're in the second row, right? Everyone around you is hearing you talk this whole time. Oh. And then you're like, oh, you can't be. You're not with it. Right? You're. Something's going on. So I just see. I'm like, okay. I don't. I don't even say, like, get her out of here. Nothing. I'm like, all right, let's just try to regroup. So we keep going. And then I see security come over, talk to her, and she walks out with them. And a few minutes later, I'm like, is she gone? And then the guy, the son, is like, I don't know. I'm like, is that your mom? He's like, yeah. Like, is she leaving? Did she leave? And he's like, I don't know. And then I'm like, so are you staying? He's like, I mean, I guess. Okay. And then, like, 10 minutes later, he was gone. And then. So they just left. Right. But everything was better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When they left.

[B]

Well, it's an energy shift in the room, too, because it's like everybody around those people are annoyed as well.

[A]

They're all. That's the thing that is never fully comprehended by people is that when you're like, I mean, this is. I mean, everyone who was at that table gambling was like, jesus, this guy. Right? Everyone who's at the show is like, I'm trying to watch the show, but I can't because you keep talking. It's almost always drunk, too, right?

[B]

Oh, that's. That's why.

[A]

Yeah. Usually. What's going on? I think he has a little more. This guy. It's all very eloquent. Like, you kind of end up siding with him when he puts it like this.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And they throw me the out and they keep him in there. You know what? Nobody come to this piece of rat hole casino. They suck. Yeah. Over here. Yeah. I won't be coming in this place anytime soon. This piece of. Piece of crap. Fat looks nice.

[B]

I was gonna say, it's not a piece of crap, actually.

[A]

Aggravated with these. They won't see another nickel of my money in this place. Yeah, he got his point across.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know that it's a piece. It looks very well maintained.

[B]

Yeah, I've done a lot of casinos they. I've been to. Piece of casino that doesn't look like.

[A]

No, the encore.

[B]

That's a really fancy one.

[A]

You want a key thing that I noticed. What's that? It's broad daylight outside. It's like 10:30 in the morning. On one. Yeah. He's really. On one. Yeah. Encore. He's really also.

[B]

Already.

[A]

You're also. You know, you're always toeing a fine line when you're fat and you call someone else fat in your anger because you know you want it to be. Look at this fat fuck. And then everyone's like, hey, you're pretty fat. It's like, fat, fucking. Fucking fat fuck. And you're like, you're kind of a fat fuck.

[B]

Yeah. This is a real good story about Bronx and his dad, Ryan. Real United Airlines customers. We were returning home and one of the flight attendants asked Bronx if he.

[A]

Wanted to see the flight deck and meet Captain Andrew.

[B]

I got to sit in the driver's seat.

[A]

I grew up in an aviation family, and seeing Bronx kind of reminded me.

[B]

Of myself when I was that age. That's Andrew, a real United pilot.

[A]

These small interactions can shape a kid's future.

[B]

It felt like I was the captain.

[A]

Allowing my son to see the flight deck will stick with us forever. That's how good leads the way.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. Because I would never call someone like, you old bitch. I'm like, well, I'm.

[A]

You start going like, hey, you bald fuck. What does that make sense, huh? Fucking piece of shit. Fuck piece of crap. Fat. Yeah.

[B]

That's a good swear, though.

[A]

That is. That is good.

[B]

That is good.

[A]

He was really holding on to a lot that. I wonder how welcome you will be in other establishments after this. I don't know. Maybe other casinos will be like, we don't know if we want your millions here, sir.

[B]

Your millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He must be a big baller because he can tell them to F off and he's not afraid of the repercussions.

[A]

He's not afraid at all.

[B]

Gosh. Yeah, he's not afraid.

[A]

Some dudes are just confident.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who they are, they know what they have. Like this guy. I'm Mike Fedelli from Fidelity and Associates. We're here in south beach to provide income tax and IRS services to high net worth athletes and entertainers who have many serious IRS problems. If you do, DM me and we'll get you out of all your problems. I would love to meet her.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I just want to know, are you okay?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you been trafficked? What type of pills are you on? Do you have any life goals? Those are like the four or five questions.

[B]

She is so over his. She is so dead to him. Yeah. You need to pay her a little more.

[A]

Sit with me while I do this ad, this finance ad, with your tits out. Don't blink.

[B]

Oh, yeah, she doesn't blink the whole time.

[A]

I mean, that was really kind of scary.

[B]

Yeah, she's on drugs.

[A]

Yeah, that was.

[B]

I believe he can help me, though, get out of my IRS troubles. Yeah, this guy knows his way around Mike.

[A]

Fidel fidelity. Yeah, he's 63. He's an alpha male, of course. CEO, income tax strategist. Yeah, he's saved over 2.2 billion, it says, in taxes and IRS debt. Oh, wow. At 49, he placed 221st in the Miami Half Marathon. Never somebody heard anybody say that for anything. You know, this guy and I are the same age. Yeah, no, no, he's 63. When he was 49. Oh, he's letting people know that he finished 221st in a half marathon. All right. Later, at the age of 53, he placed 196 in the same marathon. Okay. He also claims to own an orphanage.

[B]

That's a tax.

[A]

He's calling out celebrities, athletes in south beach for income tax strategy help, trying to get more clients. Can we see.

[B]

Hold on. Can we just talk about this limo that he's rented? That limo is from 1984 too, with the sparkles.

[A]

No, that's a Rolls Royce, I'm guessing.

[B]

But why does it have sparkles?

[A]

They do that on the roof now.

[B]

Yeah, on the Royce. Royce. That's how my mother used to say it. Yeah, that's a Royce, Roy.

[A]

Yeah, he's probably sitting in like a $500,000.

[B]

Oh, my. I thought that was a crummy limo. Oh, there he is. Look at his hair there. Oh, she is.

[A]

And she's as alive as she was in the last video.

[B]

Yeah, she's upset.

[A]

Mike. Fideli. For Fideli and Associates. We're here in South Beach. We're here to provide services for income tax and IRS problems. The high net worth athletes and entertainers who have many serious IRS problems.

[B]

If you do, DM me and we'll get you out all your problems.

[A]

That's it, huh?

[B]

Do you think he's giving her direction? Like, hey, look like you're a bad.

[A]

I like him in the mornings. Here, like in this middle one, the passport video. This is without all. Let's see that. This is the real guy. Let's see what's up. Oh, no, no problem.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Did you get a letter that from the IRS or from the State Department that says that your passport has been either blocked or revoked? Yeah, they Are. Well, they. They. They said that I owe irs, and so they. They held it up. My. My point is, because I know you're busy. Can I make an appointment with you in about a week or so based on your schedule?

[B]

Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

And. And come. And come out there. Yeah, it's. I mean, it's probably kind of urgent on your part, I guess. You know, we're getting all of our individuals and corporates due by October 15th. If you could come a little after that.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

Actually, I tell you what, why don't you. If you can come later in this week or next, call, anytime. This is the call you chose after 12. Like an action.

[B]

It's not providing information.

[A]

You should close this. Like, that is the. He's like, basically just played like, I need to have a dermatology appointment. And they're like, I don't know. Is Thursday okay?

[B]

So how's your schedule lining up?

[A]

Well, I have a mole. I don't know. I'd like you to look at it.

[B]

Like, that wasn't informative. Oh, there he is, age 49. He's still holding on to.

[A]

He really loves that stat place. 221st. See, I told you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now the one to the left with the two chicks. Is this an ad? Oh, no. 2063, 28. Any questions? That's a. It's an interesting way to market your financial, like, you know, I mean, like.

[B]

Your savviness, but the guy that's evading paying their taxes.

[A]

Yeah, they like this.

[B]

I. I think.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's a mentality. Right?

[A]

Yeah, I do like that he was smart enough to be like, I'm colorblind. I like women of every shape and size.

[B]

Well, he's in Miami, so he's got to appeal to. If there's athletes and such. Yeah, you got to appeal to all the demos down there. That's all kinds of peeps. Wow. He's in. Listen, he's in great shape for 63 years young.

[A]

He looks great.

[B]

I hate when people do that, by the way. I'm. I'm 69 years young. I'm 87 years old. That's so gross.

[A]

The flip on, I love someone to death. I love you to death. I love you to life. I'm like, what? That's so bizarre.

[B]

You know what's almost as annoying is when people stop saying, he did a complete 180, and they go, he did a complete 360.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Or is it the other way around? Yeah, I did a complete.

[A]

They Used to be if you do a 360, you're exactly who you were.

[B]

Right. And that's what everybody said up until, like, five years ago.

[A]

He did a 360, man. And you're like, so he's the same.

[B]

He's the same person. And. But then everyone figured out that it's 180. Yeah. And then we all switched to saying 180. But I'm okay with 360. Like, I understand the intent.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Of 360. I'm not totally, you know.

[A]

Well, this. You might find this totally. But then again, you might be somebody who goes, I get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. You might get this the way some of the things you've said that are so alarming.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You didn't realize that, like, you know, you have to dry off with a towel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you use.

[B]

I still hate it.

[A]

Nap, you know, Pant napkins.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So let's see what you think of this. I've never shit it in a tissue. You shit. You touch every single day.

[B]

If you shit, why are you touching the shit? The tissue is for the shit.

[A]

Are you telling me that you just let the doodle fall in the toilet? Y' all don't catch it every time. Yeah.

[B]

I am about to leave, bro.

[A]

How do y' all take a shit? I must have seen this shit wrong my name. I've been catching my shit all these years.

[B]

Now I'm more disheartened, disgusted. Then, like, I feel like I can't continue.

[A]

What are you talking about? I'm.

[B]

My stomach.

[A]

So hold on. So y' all just sit there and Right come right out? No way.

[B]

What happens if you got the runs or something like that? What do you do then?

[A]

You wash your hair. Why you think people wash their hands?

[B]

Yo, you in your hand, bro. With tissue. Well, I do like that he is examining what's coming out of him. It's very important.

[A]

He's definitely doing that.

[B]

And also, you might take a lesson because you will be going to the Middle east soon. And you wipe with your right. Right. And shake with your left. You wipe with your left and shake with your right. Are you sure? Can we Google that?

[A]

I don't need a Google.

[B]

You wipe with your right. No, you wipe with your left.

[A]

Yes, you shake with your right. Yeah.

[B]

Anyway.

[A]

Anyway, this guy shits into his hand on the tissue. He catches shit as it comes out on the tissue.

[B]

The right hand is for shaking hands, and the left hand is for wiping after using the toilet. Yeah, yeah. But you don't you wipe just with your hand and not toilet paper? Right. In the Middle east, they actually literally wipe on their hands.

[A]

I don't. No. I don't know.

[B]

You're gonna find out.

[A]

No, no one's gonna be there with me. I'm still gonna. Alone.

[B]

They'll tell you.

[A]

Is this dude, what's this called? The Bully, Bully, Beast, pot. What's it called? Bully Podcast.

[B]

The Bully and the Beast radio show. It's not on anymore.

[A]

Oh, so it's an older clip. This guy, though, was saying that he has tissue in his hand and he catches the.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

That's. I told you.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I knew you would.

[B]

And I wish I had the courage to do it.

[A]

You do have the courage to have the courage.

[B]

It scares me how hot it is in your hand when you would catch it. It's still warm.

[A]

But then you could really like.

[B]

I like that idea.

[A]

I know you do.

[B]

Of examining what's coming out, don't you?

[A]

No.

[B]

You don't like the idea of really getting in and seeing.

[A]

I've never looked, dude. I've never looked.

[B]

You say this.

[A]

I don't believe I've never looked.

[B]

You don't look at your browns.

[A]

I mean, in. In. Let's say I've taken 30,000 shits. I've looked at six. Yeah.

[B]

I look every time you have to look.

[A]

You don't. I'll tell you why you don't. Because I've never done it. So you don't. I don't.

[B]

But then you don't know. The health.

[A]

Don't care of your browns. Doesn't bother me.

[B]

Then you don't know if your diet is okay.

[A]

Flush. I just hit flush and it's gone. And then I clean myself and then I leave.

[B]

If the turd falls to the bottom, that means it's good. If it goes to the top, it means it's too greasy.

[A]

Great.

[B]

You're eating too much grease. You gotta assess your bowel movement. Look, this guy's got everything right in life. I don't know what this chick is tripping because he's right.

[A]

She's not tripping. She is being a normal human. Yes.

[B]

No. This guy's got the right idea.

[A]

You're out of your mind.

[B]

His mom did the right thing. You got to teach them how to look at their doodoos.

[A]

Well, just for your response on that Happy birthday fat, we're keeping it.

[B]

Happy birthday, birthday fat.

[A]

Clean, tight and good. Happy birthday fat.

[B]

I don't like it. Okay, thank you. I don't like him. I don't like the song.

[A]

That's why I played it.

[B]

Hate it. Hey, let's talk about your dental update.

[A]

Nope. Let's talk about something else.

[B]

No, no. Now I really want to know your dental.

[A]

I don't care. So let's figure out.

[B]

This is. The YMH audience is on Tender hooks.

[A]

They are not.

[B]

They love this stuff. This is a huge YMH thing. This is as important as pulling your jeans up. Dental updates.

[A]

I don't want to do it, Gene.

[B]

It's been so long since you've had one. Probably too long. This is why you hate it. I get my teeth clean regularly. I don't think you do. And I think that's why you've probably got bad news. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[A]

I've been on a great cleaning schedule, actually, and then this tour. I think I've had to reschedule this appointment five times. Oh. So that really bummed me out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So it ended up taking instead of being on the six month schedule. It's like a year. It's been like 14 months or something. So it just. I was just more sensitive, you know, like, the cleaning made it more. I was just more sensitive.

[B]

Was there a lot of blood?

[A]

No.

[B]

Not a lot of blood in the cleaning?

[A]

No, no blood.

[B]

You were more sensitive.

[A]

I was just like, really sensitive to the, like, you know, nerve wise, like when they're scraping and stuff, I was just like. I was really hating it. Yeah.

[B]

And then when she graded your teeth, did you hear her call out the numbers? Did she give you. Yeah, yeah. Like around.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Did you hear a lot of ones?

[A]

No.

[B]

What'd you hear?

[A]

Twos and threes. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's where you want to be. You want to be twos and threes.

[B]

You're more in the ones.

[A]

No, I was. There was no one.

[B]

Five, ten?

[A]

No, there was no five.

[B]

Which one is. I forget which one's the bloodier. The bloodier your gums are.

[A]

It just sucked, dude.

[B]

It's just the. The feelings.

[A]

Yeah. The feelings were horrible. Yeah.

[B]

Did she find any cavities?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How many?

[A]

She said it's really small, but she goes. I found one. Starting.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where?

[A]

Over here.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Molar.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You gonna. Did you make an appointment to have it filled?

[A]

I said let it go.

[B]

Yeah. Let it turn into a root canal. Those are fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Zero Healthy gums. Oh, so I usually get zero.

[A]

Oh, no, now you're like.

[B]

Oh, you're three. You're three. Severe gum disease with significant bone loss and Potential tooth loss. She was screaming out. And threes. Moderate gum disease with deeper pockets and increased inflammation. Yeah, you're up four threes. Twos. Yeah, I'm zeros all the way.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

Zeros.

[A]

This is what the. The gum grading system.

[B]

Yeah. Like, you know when she pokes you and she. And she tells the assistant, okay, the number 47. That's a. That's a four. A three.

[A]

In the office, she said, you want to be twos and threes?

[B]

She probably said, I just. To you.

[A]

Okay, well, this is what she said. She goes, you want to be twos and threes? Okay, this is the grading system that I don't think they're using there.

[B]

It's. It's universal.

[A]

It's not universal.

[B]

It is. Otherwise, how would you know what I know for sure, dentist?

[A]

I'll tell you what I know for sure. You don't know about gums. That's what I know for sure. There's not a thing you know about gums. You're not a periodontist. You're not a.

[B]

Maybe I am.

[A]

Technician. You're not a dentist.

[B]

You don't know what I did.

[A]

You don't know what the.

[B]

You don't know what the I did. You don't know what I did before I became a comedian.

[A]

Yeah, I do. I know you spent a week in law school. You've said it a bunch.

[B]

And I studied periodontal dentistry, dummy.

[A]

Yeah, you studied what?

[B]

Periodontical things. Dip. You think I don't know? I floss every day, and I use the. The thing to get in between.

[A]

Switch your bio today to what I don't know about. Wow. Yeah.

[B]

You know what? You're just grumpy because you got a stupid ass cavity, and now you got to go back. But isn't it nice? Please. Our dentist, they play those cute little animal videos for you. Did you get to see the animal videos? That was cute, though, right?

[A]

It was a good distraction. Yeah. It's on the ceiling. So you look up and you see dogs and cats and.

[B]

Yeah, I like that. And then she'll give you nitrous if you. If you want to party, but only if you're ready to party.

[A]

I didn't get it when you.

[B]

Yo. But when you get your filling, ask for the nitrous. Oh, yeah, it's so fun. But bring a pad and paper, because you're gonna have breakthroughs. You'll. You'll understand things. I'm serious. I did it with mine. Like, nitrous opens up the valves Bro, you make connections. You have. You have inspirations.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I did. Yeah. You write things down. Write it down, though.

[A]

I want to do more drugs.

[B]

I know. What kind?

[A]

All of them.

[B]

Well, can you be more specific?

[A]

Well, yeah, I like the mind opening stuff.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Psychedelics. Yeah, yeah. Fun stuff, too, you know, let's get some molly. Let's get some. Yeah, okay. Stronger, you know, let's fucking.

[B]

Yeah, you can do that. You can do everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Well, okay.

[A]

I mean, I'm just letting you know. I want to. I want to just be like. I want to be like, enter, like a drug phase.

[B]

I think now is the time. You're at the height of your career, you got a young family. Now you need to get into drugs. This is the best time.

[A]

Are you being sarcastic?

[B]

No, why would I be? Are you crazy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You act like I don't know shit about gums and now I don't know shit about drugs.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I would stand by both of those things, but I do think you don't know about. Yeah, yeah. What's the tongue thing?

[B]

That's you and you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Stupid Lex Luthor. Why don't you shut up?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Here you go. That was awesome.

[B]

That was good.

[A]

That was really good.

[B]

That sucks. Yeah, because that was a choice. No, like, he chose to do that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, he's trying. Like, you could have walked your bike down. He's like, I'm gonna ride it down.

[B]

Bad idea, bro.

[A]

And that was cool. He definitely's hurt big time.

[B]

Yeah, that's not a good idea.

[A]

Oh, that's coming in hot, dude. O my God. That. That feels like it was pulled like a thousand meters too low. Holy. That's so fast, bro.

[B]

Such a bad idea.

[A]

Where's it gonna on to people?

[B]

Can I tell you even of all.

[A]

The places you could land too.

[B]

Listen, this is not in America too. This is like the Dominican Republic. This is when white people go on vacation and they.

[A]

It's believed to be either Sri Lanka or Pakistan.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Miscalculates landing. It says yes.

[B]

This guy's not going to a good hospital. Your life is over.

[A]

He up someone's house, too. That was a whole house. That's like somebody's like, living.

[B]

I know. That's.

[A]

That's goddess.

[B]

Philippine family. That's their whole livelihood gone.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Will you check on them? That's crazy.

[B]

She goes, and my deaf mute grandmother is their servant.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Can we send them like $10 and just.

[A]

I'm not sending that much.

[B]

Oh, that's perfectly fine. That's awesome.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's frat boy.

[A]

The foot got caught on the lip of the roof. You saw that, right? No, look at his foot. Look at his foot.

[B]

But where was this fool gonna land in the first place? Where was he?

[A]

He was trying to land more flat, I think, on the table. Yeah. People do, like, table crashes, you know.

[B]

That's stupid.

[A]

Yeah. But the. The foot. Yeah, that was great. Let's see where that is.

[B]

I know what Annie's thinking right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, this is white people.

[A]

I mean, it is. It is kind of white people. You don't see black people doing this. Never, never, never. Do you see black. Let's get up on the roof and jump off of this. Never. I mean, honestly, probably none of your horrible, hilarious clips. I feel like none of them are black people because we don't do stupid like that.

[B]

Yeah, that is so true.

[A]

It's, again, none of them cultural.

[B]

It is cultural.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You're absolutely right.

[A]

I don't know why the whites are drawn to this.

[B]

Yes. Right.

[A]

Oh, because if you don't have problems, you're like, let's create a problem.

[B]

Let's create some. Yeah, man.

[A]

You know what? I need some danger. That'd be fun.

[B]

This is. This is the same reason white people like to be bummed out at the movies. Because their lives aren't tragic enough. It's not built into their lives. They have to go cry at a movie about. About somebody else getting poor, somebody else getting cancer, somebody else.

[A]

Like, that's where the white bummer genre originally.

[B]

White people love to feel sad for unfortunate others.

[A]

Why? You think they started cold plunges? Yeah.

[B]

Oh, of course. Suffering. Yeah. But everywhere else in the world, they live in a cold.

[A]

I even have this thing now. You can't be inside, and when somebody goes, hey, have you seen this movie? I'll be like, what movie? And then they'll tell me. I go, isn't that the one with, like, the legless kid, you know?

[B]

No.

[A]

And they're like, it's so powerful.

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm like, yeah, I'm good. They're like, no, no. And they try to convince me. I go, I don't want to see it.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

I don't care. I don't want to see it.

[B]

I don't want to see anything with children getting hurt ever. I never like cancer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been through cancer. I don't want. I never wanted to see it before. I had breast cancer and I certainly don't want to see it now.

[A]

Cancer movies. The.

[B]

The.

[A]

I lost my child. Oh, you're like, I don't want to see it.

[B]

Or the one where, like, I have.

[A]

The news, you know, I can watch the news whenever I want.

[B]

Scroll through Tik Tok. Or it's the beautiful woman who's dying of the terminal illness. It's like Charlize Theron is dying and she wants to. For the last time or something. Some cute boy. It's like, I don't want it.

[A]

I don't think they. That. That's not.

[B]

That is. Isn't that the. The movie Apple Greenhouse? The cider house. Greens.

[A]

Cider House.

[B]

Greens, Cider House rules. Isn't she dying of AIDS or something?

[A]

She's like, I want one last.

[B]

One last dick. Well, there's this show, actually. It's. It. I've seen parts of it. It's quite good. It's called Dying for Sex, where she. She has terminal breast cancer and all she wants to do is have sex, which I look for. That was not my first thought when I had breast cancer. Gosh, I'm horny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. One of the last thoughts. Especially radiation surgery and whatever. It's a good show and I think it won a bunch of awards and I. The clips look really good. I can't bring myself to watch it. It's never going to fuck.

[A]

But that's the premise. I'm dying and I want to fuck more.

[B]

She wants to fuck me out. Yes, yes. She, she. But because she was kind of repressed. She had a marriage that was sexless. The guy wouldn't have sex with her while she was actively having cancer. And so she realized, like, I never had an orgasm. I've never been experimental. And she's so young that the premise is she goes and she explores her sexuality as she's dying. It's a great premise. Don't get me wrong.

[A]

No, no. Yeah.

[B]

Personally, I'm like. And then the least thing I want.

[A]

Does she like then a lot? Go, I guess I'm gonna die now.

[B]

Spoiler alert. She falls in love. I think because I've seen enough clips on Tick tock. I'm not 100 sure. But she finds like the love of her life and they have a kinky sex life and it's great.

[A]

And she lives.

[B]

I think she still dies. I don't know. I haven't seen the show. I'm sorry, do you went in there, seen it. Can tell me. Okay.

[A]

Because that'd be a Real bummer.

[B]

If she lives.

[A]

She lives.

[B]

And she's just. Everyone's run a train on her through New York City.

[A]

Well, also, it's like, you did this because you're like, I'm about to dip out.

[B]

It's like.

[A]

It's a better story if you die, you know?

[B]

Of course. And also, when you have chemo, people can't even sit on your toilet seat because you're. You're radioactive. Like, so actually, having sex with a lot of people without stuff would probably be dangerous to people.

[A]

Well, I'll just say it's really. I hope she's dead. So she's a good actress, is she?

[B]

Is it Michelle Williams? Gosh. Who's. Sorry. She's great. It's a great cast. Like, I feel like a dick. I haven't even watched it. I shouldn't even. But again, like, I can't watch it because I've had breast cancer. No, thanks, Tom Hanks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I want to remember it anyway. What's her name? She's great.

[A]

It's Michelle Williams.

[B]

She's such a great. And. And her best friend in it is a comedic actress.

[A]

And it is a limited series, so it should have an ending, which should be death.

[B]

Yes. Unless they do it for horny cancer ladies. Every season there's a different horny cancer lady, man. I don't know.

[A]

Probably not. We're back.

[B]

Back with another dying lady.

[A]

Another horny lady. You guys ready? Buckle up. He's gonna, too. All right, here's one more for you heavy skateboarders. Never good.

[B]

Oh, are you okay?

[A]

Yeah, I really up my foot.

[B]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

There's a reason, like, skateboarders are long and lean. Yeah, that's a good build.

[A]

Poor guy. I mean, he had some skills. He wasn't his first time on a skateboard for sure. That sucks. That one sucks, man. Wait, this is a great thing, though. Speaking of dying and all this.

[B]

Yeah, no.

[A]

You proposed this question the other day. We haven't talked about it. Actually.

[B]

Yes, I saw this great clip. Amy Poehler has a podcast, and she asked Tina Fey, yes, this is what it was. Who's the person you're most afraid of becoming?

[A]

That's such a good question.

[B]

And it's such a great question.

[A]

Great question.

[B]

And Tina Fey is like, I can't say the answer out loud. And so she types it to Amy Poehler, and she's like, I need your help translating this. And she was like, so Tina Fey's least favorite person. She was going to become is like the old show business person who knows everything and is like, let me tell you how it is in this business, kid. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got to tell you, back in my day we did da da, da, da, da, da da.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's her nightmare. But what's your nightmare? Like, who do you dread becoming?

[A]

That's a great. I mean, that's the thing your brain starts to go into. Like, oh man. You know, like the way to answer it is like, who do you see now? And you're like, ah, yeah. Like that's your answer, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So like, who is that? That's what I'm. That's what I'm trying to nail down. It's like, who do I go like, like who.

[B]

You know, my brain went to, like, what's the most repulsive type of person? And for me, it was my, my poor mother who was so mentally ill and she so badly wanted connection with other people, but she ended up dying alone because she pissed everybody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was so miserable to be around and she was a shut in. And I think that's my worst fear is like dying alone. Nobody likes me because nobody wants to be around me because I'm such a miserable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then that's like being a real victim too and being like, oh. Like, oh, I just can't. Like nobody likes me. And I. Because I've worked so hard to overcome those things from my family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I've inherited so much of that that I'm like, I don't want to be that. That's my nightmare.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then like being real fat, obviously. Like, like, let me, let me explain. Just being like really neglectful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Neglectful of my body.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because it does correlate to your insides. It's like if you let this thing go, it's like, I don't give a rip anymore about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Life.

[A]

Those are good ones. That's a good one. I think. Well, I think along the lines of the same thing. Like I remember, you know, there's certain things that stick with you. I remember talking to this guy and he was like, you know when you see a guy and he's like in his 50s and when you see him you're like, the fuck happened to this guy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's for the physical part where you're like, wow, he really neglected himself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Same kind of thing where you're like, Jesus, man. So like physically that, professionally. The thing that I've loathed the most is when you see somebody and they. They download to you how, like, you know how it is. Like, just the victim. Yeah, they're victims, but they're like, no, they don't want anyone like me doing it. So. And you're like, that's not why, that's not why you didn't get the gig. It's not because they were like, we don't want someone like you. They don't want you because you're like this traveling pocket of negativity that walks into the room and everyone wants to jump out a window. So I guess I just, I don't want to be the negative excuse making guy. The guy who's.

[B]

I think we're the same. We've, we've. I think we're fearing similar things now.

[A]

Similar things. I've always, but I've always loathed that guy. Like, there's so many comedians, especially, like in our development years, right away I was like, this guy's not good to hang out with because he was always, like, always telling you the reason why things aren't going well. He leads with it. And, and it's always, it's never him, you know, it's always like the guys that are, you know, picking who to put and like, no one's picking. But you're not good.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Your shit sucks. Yes. You know, you're not facing the reality of the fact that you suck. Like, I hate those people that are always coming up with their excuses of why it didn't work out. So I would hate to become that guy.

[B]

God damn, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Because in comedy, you know, the one blessing in the skies about comedy is that it really is a game of attrition.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Meaning the longer you stay in there, the better your chances get. It's a game of attrition. Truly. It takes 15 years, let's say, as a baseline. 10 years if you're lucky. Yeah, 20. And then it's a skill that must be repeated, honed. You must have discipline. You must have fortitude. You must get your teeth kicked in nightly for years.

[A]

Years. Yeah.

[B]

And get up and do it. And a lot of dudes don't want to make that sacrifice.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Of getting your teeth kicked in and, and fighting and you. I'm gonna do this. And doing it and doing it and getting your ball. It's, it's a lot and, but it's not for everybody. For sure. But it's true. Yes.

[A]

That bummer guy, though. I don't want to be the bummer.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like, you walk I don't want to do that either.

[B]

Oh, that. Yeah. Oh, it sucks the air out of them.

[A]

Yeah. Because we all know him.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Those guys, you're like this guy.

[B]

It's Colin Robinson from what we do in the shadows. He's the emotional vampire.

[A]

Emotional vampire.

[B]

Such a perfect character.

[A]

Yeah. We have emotional vampires life. And you're just like, that was my mom. Yeah.

[B]

Just there. You know what it is, is they're walking wounds. You know, they're walking succubus wounds. And instead of trying to sort it out themselves, it becomes your responsibility.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To sort their out. And you're like, dude, I. I've only got one lifetime, bro. I'm just trying to do. Do my stuff. I can't be responsible for your too. It's too much.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also I think I. I really fear being a burden to my children as I.

[A]

That's a real one for you. You brought that up a lot.

[B]

Because my mother made me her caregiver. From the time I was born, I existed to be my mom's caregiver. And I really. It really messes with children's heads. It's very sabotaging. And especially as I age and stuff like, praise Allah, we have resources. And I can check myself into an old folks home and be like, I'm gonna die here. You guys just live your life.

[A]

Yeah. Enjoy your life.

[B]

I'm fine. I'm gonna go to Florida.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your dad's been dead long ago. I've already got the 28 year old Puerto Rican stepdad for you. And just, you know, I'm gonna die in Boca.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fine. Right.

[A]

And at least lie to them. Even if you're not fine. You don't put it on them.

[B]

Because my mother would be like, oh my God, everything. Like I have concert. Like she would.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So like just drain me.

[A]

Come here and take care of me. Yeah, you.

[B]

Whereas you know, with. I'm the complete opposite. Where I hid it from the kids. Like I'm gonna. I would do radiation. Come home. Like, no, I'm fine. Yeah, let's keep going.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't want them to carry it. Of course.

[B]

It's not their response anyway. That's. Sorry. I'm so. I'm so emotional.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

I'm so embarrassed for having feelings. Yeah.

[A]

No, it's normal.

[B]

Oh, it's so embarrassing.

[A]

It's good to have feelings.

[B]

I hate myself.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Just kidding. Like, I'm not kidding at all.

[A]

You don't hate that? No. You. Well, this is what you Hate.

[B]

Why did you do that just now? You see how you just reinforced my shame? I said, oh, I'm. I'm vulnerable. I have a feeling. And then you showed me my least favorite.

[A]

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. Here's something else. Probably a immigrant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at this right here, bro. Yeah, probably.

[A]

I've got the. Right away when I'm on the right. Hey, you idiot. You idiot.

[B]

Sucker.

[A]

Yeah, probably an immigrant.

[B]

Cabron.

[A]

Cabron. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, cabron. Yeah. You can't even say it right. You cracker.

[A]

Right away.

[B]

Rhode Island. Represent.

[A]

There you go. Probably an immigrant. Yeah, He's a pretty cool guy.

[B]

Yeah. Because his family's from America, right?

[A]

This was.

[B]

They're always from America.

[A]

It was. He's just.

[B]

They were in Native American.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, norcal.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Old guy. Yep.

[B]

Cabron.

[A]

Cabron. There's no way this old cabron wants this shared with everybody.

[B]

I mean, he's got some. Some kajonis to fuck with a younger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Latin male. No. Isn't that.

[A]

Yeah. That's kind of crazy. This is kind of crazy to. Anytime you get out of your car, you're asking for real problems, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if you're an older gentleman and you're going up to somebody 40 years younger. Yeah. You're definitely rolling the dice, man. That's crazy as shit to do.

[B]

Forgive my ignorance, because women don't beat the shit out of each other. Is it common for, like a younger man to beat the shit out of an older guy?

[A]

I mean, I wouldn't say that it's common, but it's certainly happened countless times. I mean, if you get out of the car with this energy, you have no idea who's in the other car. Don't. Like, I've been in a car full of rage and been like, I want to get out of the car. And some part of your brain usually just goes, you know, someone could have a gun. You could have. You know, it could be like a super violent dude. Like, you check yourself because you go, it's. I'm being irrational. You know, this guy's reason just left his very dopey face. And then he just decided to see what he's lucky. This guy's lucky as.

[B]

Oh, no kidding.

[A]

Yeah, boy.

[B]

Growing up in my neighborhood, you don't call some guy a immigrant.

[A]

I mean, I know so many people that he could have said this to sideways for him. Yeah.

[B]

And the.

[A]

Maybe they would take mercy on him because he's old. That's it? Maybe, maybe they would be.

[B]

You know what it is? He's in NorCal, bro. If he said this in SoCal, in the wrong neighborhood.

[A]

In there.

[B]

It doesn't look like a bad one, though. A lot of trees, nice stuff.

[A]

That's why he's confident. He's in, like in a nice area.

[B]

Yeah, he's like Marin county or something.

[A]

I will get out and give this young brown man a piece of my mind. And then he just.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, this is his neighborhood.

[A]

That's why he's also leading with probably an immigrant. So he's like, he's letting it known like who he is, you know?

[B]

Well, look, there's plenty of states you can live in where there aren't many immigrants. California, if you're not down with the ammonites.

[A]

He could go back home. He could go back to Rhode Island.

[B]

A lot of non whites there.

[A]

Yeah, it's pretty white place.

[B]

I know. It's all whites, right? Yeah, these places are whites. Boston's whites.

[A]

It would be so awesome if this guy like followed up with a statement. Like if he put out a follow up where he was like, look, I do think that guy was an immigrant and I know that there's different driving laws in different countries. And I was just trying to explain to the cabron that this is how we do things here. That guy had like a Mexican armband on. Yeah, he showed him. He showed him the flag here.

[B]

Nah, he did. Oh, he's me, kind of.

[A]

I was on a T shirt.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a T shirt.

[B]

Oh, he did. He was nice to him.

[A]

Oh, he was so nice. Yeah, the Mexican kid was so nice.

[B]

So cool too.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Well, hey, cabron.

[A]

Listen here, cabron before.

[B]

Idiot. Yeah, well, you, dude, you're going to live in California. The majority of the state is from Mexico, so you're the minority.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're crazy.

[A]

You're crazy, right?

[B]

How much of California is Mexican?

[A]

Confident.

[B]

Walking over such a douchebag.

[A]

This guy might be a buck 45 soaking wet.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And he's just like, dum, dum, dum, cabron.

[B]

His jeans are so low and loose too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, here we go. The California population, around 40% of the total. Right. Is from Mexico. So what are you doing? You're the.

[A]

Yeah, it's a lot, bro.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here, here's some of your talks.

[B]

You want to get out of California?

[A]

You want to see what you've been cultivating?

[B]

So sad. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I've seen this guy.

[B]

He is so fast. 321 punches in 23 seconds. You can't do that.

[A]

I'll tell you what. I don't want to make it to the end, but that was pretty cool.

[B]

You're just gonna take it for. Take his word on it that it's 321. I always didn't count them.

[A]

See this guy, like, on social media, and he's always doing some type of quick movement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it's a real mind because he doesn't look like he does things quickly, you know?

[B]

You know, you can't judge a book by its cover.

[A]

You can.

[B]

You totally can.

[A]

Yeah, you can. Whoa. Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

I didn't like that. Let's move on.

[B]

What? She's saying hello.

[A]

Holy. That was terrible. So, hello.

[B]

Recently, my partner introduced me to a practice that I've come to love. Getting myself a treat. Whenever I do something hard or something that I don't want to do, it's so good. Life changing. She's here. You can credit her with it. Doctor's appointment. Get a treat. Sent an email. I've been putting off. Get a treat. Pay a bill, Get a treat.

[A]

Is that Zolo? Who is this? It kind of looks. I can't see. I'm like, is that Josh? Is that what he does when he's. Is that why he's not here today?

[B]

That's a woman, sweetie. Oh, that's a lesbian. Have a hard conversation.

[A]

Get a treat.

[B]

Make dinner when I'm really tired. This has transformed how I understand the world. Oh, boy. A treat doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Sometimes it's a piece of chocolate or a fun beverage, a sticker, or treating myself to a fun adventure. But what it has taught me is how to celebrate myself, how to celebrate the little things. And I've realized that when I celebrate, I don't just feel good. I feel more grounded, more alive, more able to face what comes next. That's so gay.

[A]

That was the gayest clip we've ever played on this show.

[B]

Okay, there's. It's twofold. Number one, it's like you're an adult. Grow up. There's just. You're gonna do.

[A]

I had to send a hard email.

[B]

You get.

[A]

So you know what? I'm. I'm going to the Bahamas. Go. Okay. Cool.

[B]

Adulthood is doing bad things and not getting.

[A]

Yeah, things are hard.

[B]

Number two, it reminded me of Bert because this is his mentality.

[A]

Very treat based. Yes.

[B]

And we see how that went.

[A]

Well, it doesn't look good.

[B]

Doesn't look good.

[A]

But maybe it's. It's keeping them going. Yeah, yeah. Really into treats.

[B]

Yeah. My partner. Please credit me.

[A]

He's like, I answered my phone. Treat time. Yeah, I wiped. Treat.

[B]

Treats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tom, you went to the dentist today. What kind of treat do you want?

[A]

Maybe a sticker or a lolly. Yeah, they give you a little lolly when you leave.

[B]

There you go. Sugar free, of course.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah, that's fine. September eleven was a bad day, an ugly day. It ruined everybody's day.

[A]

It did.

[B]

Twin towers came crumbling down by the brutal terrorists. The terrorists took over the place and crashed into the towers. People's lives were lost.

[A]

I'm not doing that. So it's so much longer. I thought it was gonna be like a 20 second clip. It's like another minute and a half. Jesus. This is.

[B]

She's covering Elton John's song.

[A]

He sang that. Those were his lyrics. 9. 11 was a bad day.

[B]

Live your life.

[A]

Well, we have a lot of music producers out there that. Listen, why don't you throw some stank on it? Let's make some songs here.

[B]

Like an airplane in the.

[A]

It was a real shit day the day the terrorists did that thing. Fucking A. Here, let's scroll forward and see where we are in. Her story.

[B]

Was not a good day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Twin towers came crumbling down.

[A]

Oh, it's a second. It's like the hook.

[B]

First responders what went fighting for us, saving people out of the crumbling towers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We need to remember everybody that fought for us. The lives that were lost. It's a little pandering.

[A]

Yeah. Also, I don't know that the visual aid is needed. We all know what you're talking about. But the one smoking tower with the other plane moments from crashing into it. We got it. Thank you.

[B]

Never forget.

[A]

Thank you, Hannah, for that beautiful tribute.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

I'll tell you what the first crazy thing is. The craziest thing about this absolutely deplorable haircut is that this girl has a beautiful face. It's like the first thing you're like, oh, she's pretty. And then you're like, what the did you do? This is also maybe life's too good. You know? Your life's too good. You know what? I'm sick of guys smiling at me and asking me for my phone number. So what I'm going to do is just butcher my head.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

What are we doing, sweetheart? Like, you're really.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, she's anti makeup, too.

[A]

Yeah, whatever. She's a. She's a pretty girl. And she decided to do that.

[B]

Ah, it's tough.

[A]

It's fine. It's self sabotage, but whatever.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

You look like, yeah, that's not a cool. I mean, maybe she hasn't heard that enough. No one's been like, you look like shit.

[B]

I'll tell you what. My father, when I was 14 years old, I shaved a mohawk into my hair with the family's dog clippers. And it was around Christmas and I came walking down the stairs with an orange mohawk.

[A]

And what he say?

[B]

He goes, nah, looks good because this is not original, by the way. So he totally invalidated.

[A]

That's a kind of a cool thing for a dad to do.

[B]

1,000%. He. He did the right move, which was like, that's not even original.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, well, yeah. I mean I. Yeah. And I felt like a dildo immediately.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Someone just needs to go, that's not that cool. Yeah, your sucks. This is like a. What is this, a native American haircut or something?

[A]

Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

Mohican haircut. This is terrible.

[A]

It's bad. Whatever it is. It sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I say finished product done. If you re drip downstairs don't come out with my life I just took they wit put it back in my head. That's why they bow. But I'm not. I quit. I said they stoke put in my hair. I mean, that was the same shit.

[B]

Is this one of those two brothers that make out with each other?

[A]

No, he was specifically saying. Don't call him that. He said that in this.

[B]

Yeah, you speak.

[A]

Heard that. You speak.

[B]

How did you understand that?

[A]

I don't know, I just. I heard he said something about island boy. Yeah.

[B]

Finished product done.

[A]

If he red drip down stuff don't come island put back in my head. That's why they bout. This should give so many dudes confidence because this guy for sure gets laid.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You can get laid. This guy's doing it. You can do it.

[B]

He's cute too. Yeah, he's got stupid look, but he looks cute.

[A]

Maybe he should date the girl with half a fucking head, you know? Maybe that's what she's looking for.

[B]

Love connection.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. This one's a soft mount Taxi. She has a weighted body and posable legs. What do you think? Are we doing this? Professionally tanned, ethically sourced?

[A]

I mean, I'm not mad at this, but I don't like it.

[B]

I don't like it.

[A]

I don't want it. I don't want to be near it. I never want it. In the house. And I don't want to go into your house if this is what you're doing. I don't like it. If it works for you, I'm happy for you. I don't like this.

[B]

But why doesn't it work? Because I enjoy taxidermy. I think it's sometimes fun. Yeah, but I don't like that she's, like, moving and playing with it. Is that what it is?

[A]

That's what. She's advertising it. She's just like, look what you can do. You can fold it up, make it sit in the chair, have it dangle off of the banister. However you used to see him fuck.

[B]

I don't like the motion of it. It's supposed to be still so that, you know, it's taxidermy. It's obvious. Yeah.

[A]

This is just so strange.

[B]

Yeah. He found you. I mean, look, life is full of surprises. I did not expect to meet H. And for this to be our love story. And, you know, I'm very lucky. I am married to the funniest, sweetest, most charming. I mean, he's all the things that you're describing. He's. And he's an amazing father. And so, you know, I. I count my blessings because I have him. And also, I have a partner who is so supportive of me. So I will tell you just, you know, when I was. This guy's perfect, I was a BabySitter Nanny for two Irish Catholic families when I was in college. And one of the dads said to me, he's like, you know, Megan, when you meet your person one day, I want him to say to you the same thing that I said to my wife when we got married, which is, I vow to always date my wife. And I told H that when we started dating. He goes, I vow to always date you. So we have this connection, I think, because we're so committed to treating each other the same way you did before you had a ring on it, before it was locked down. When you're just courting each other and you can see all the good and joy in that butterfly period. And that's, I think, what keeps things really alive. Good things being said. Everybody's on point. Perfect. Perfect. Good answer.

[A]

I wonder. I would have been my age. He'll trip me like they did the first time. That's what this lady's thinking right here. I can't wait to meet my age. You just keep dating.

[B]

Just keep dating. Keep trying.

[A]

You know, the message isn't bad. I think that everybody who watches this just Hates her, you know?

[B]

Well, I'll tell you honestly, you know, you and I have been married for 47 years now.

[A]

Is that it?

[B]

Yeah. And I love you. I adore you. I just don't think it's authentic to be this overly effusive about your. Your husband.

[A]

Because this is a performance.

[B]

Of course it's horseshit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, h farts and it smells like roses.

[A]

And h, H, h. He still opens the door when I walk in front of him.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think so. Especially after two. They have two small kids.

[A]

That's the thing where you're like, why are you dating still?

[B]

Nah, you're not dating, babe.

[A]

You're dating with the little babies around.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Babes puke.

[B]

It's so romantic. Yeah. And poor, poor Drew Barrymore has to listen to this horseshit. Oh, nature matters.

[A]

Even in nature, I don't just hug trees. I wait for them to say yes. If my body leans in, that's it. This time, the tree agreed, so I stepped in.

[B]

How does she know? The tree agree.

[A]

This is a joke for sure, right? No, this is a serious person.

[B]

Yeah. There's people that talk to trees.

[A]

Now, how does the tree reject you?

[B]

That I don't know. But I do know that there are people who go, tree, if you're listening, answer me. And then, like, the wind will blow eventually, and then the leaf will, like.

[A]

Touch their cheek and they go, oh, I'm not retarded. The tree talked to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What did he say?

[A]

One thing you wish people understood about you more.

[B]

I loved it. Nothing. Nothing.

[A]

No, you.

[B]

It's the greatest clip in the world. Nothing. You. Yeah, I feel the same way the older I get. Because you get it now. You're like, it. You don't need to be understood by everyone. It's. It's pointless. You can't do it. It's impossible.

[A]

And I think when you're that scrutinized and well known, this guy. This guy probably would love a departure from people recognizing him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And questioning him and saying things that he's just. That's the most genuine answer he could give. What do you want to know more about me? Fuck you. That's what I want you to know.

[B]

Yeah. Nothing. You don't need to understand it.

[A]

It's a great way to go through life.

[B]

It really is, actually. And I think this is what happened. The. One of the privileges of aging is that you go, I don't need to be understood.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

And also, when you've you know, when you start to get recognized, it's a whole thing, and then you kind of settle and then you get, you know, for him, I'm saying, so world famous and known, it's probably like he's just tired of it, of questions and inquiries and what do you think? He's just off.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're not going to understand him because he's been through things that, yeah.

[A]

Mere mortals can't understand.

[B]

You're never going to be on this guy's level in terms of what he's achieved, who he's been, what he's been through. Never. So he's right. You can't understand him.

[A]

Yeah. So off.

[B]

He's so special. Yeah. This guy's in his own league.

[A]

All right, well, we should wrap it up. Gene, I love you, too.

[B]

You're just so special. You're the most perfect husband, and you're just the most perfect partner. You're so supportive.

[A]

I'd love to just keep dating.

[B]

Keep dating.

[A]

It's the key to it all. Oh, Off. All right, see you guys next week.

[B]

Bye, mommy.

[A]

I guess he's an alpha, huh?

[B]

He's definitely an alpha. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's clearly an alpha.

[A]

She's a Ted. I tell her she's a four. You.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She's a ted. I tell her she's a four.

[B]

You dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah. You guys have to understand.

[B]

Dump that. Dump that.

[A]

Dump that. Woman can only be a man of either alpha or beta. You see? You guys have to understand. You see, you see, the female brain lack intellectual capacity. And because a female lacks intellectual capacity, she therefore cannot stand up. The fact that, hey, a man can be alpha. She's a ted. I tell her she's a four. You.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She's a ted. I tell her she's a four. You.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah. You guys have to understand, you can be to a. And you can be the guy in Nagasaki, Hiroshima, that many women. You guys have to understand, you see, women are closer to animals than they are to men. You know, if a grizzly bear is going to come after you, a grizzly bear is going to come after you because you're either a threat or you are food. Another come after you because you're food and a threat. It doesn't work like that. You're either a threat or a food. Okay? Same thing with women. You're either beta or you are out on hold. I tell her she's a four. You.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that. Dump that.

[A]

She's a ted. I tell her she's a four. You.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

You guys have to understand.

[B]

Dump that.

[A]

Dump that. Dump that. Yeah.