Our Favourite Canadian(s) w/ Ian Bagg | Your Mom's House Ep. 829

Summary

Your Mom’s House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Episode 829: “Our Favourite Canadian(s) w/ Ian Bagg”
Release Date: September 24, 2025
Guest: Ian Bagg

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Overview

In this raucous, freewheeling episode of Your Mom’s House, Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky (“the Mommies”) welcome old friend, legendary crowdwork comedian, and “our favorite Canadian,” Ian Bagg. The conversation is a rollicking mix of stand-up nostalgia, absurd internet clips, and classic YMH filthy humor. From reminiscing about comedy tours in South Africa to critiquing American prudishness, analyzing TikTok weirdos, and discussing Rosh Hashanah, nothing is off-limits. The episode savors inside jokes, “cool guy” videos, and the enduring camaraderie of comics, all delivered in YMH’s signature irreverent style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Family & Old School Reminiscence

Timestamp: 45:24–55:56

• Ian Bagg’s visit reunites three stand-up veterans who share war stories, including a memorable comedy tour through South Africa after apartheid.
• Hilarious retellings of being the “token white” at local clubs, getting handed “Blacks Only” T-shirts, and almost being robbed.
• The crew celebrates the unique pecking order and camaraderie among comedians, noting that comics know who "kills" and who is intimidating to follow on stage.
  • Tom to Ian: “If you go, who do you not want to follow? You would be always in my top…” [58:08]

2. Rosh Hashanah, Holidays & Cultural Backgrounds

Timestamp: 03:29–06:32

• Discussion on how little they do for Jewish holidays.
  • Ian: “I’ll say happy New Year if I see a Jew and that’s about it…we would do nothing.” [04:40–05:09]
• Chitchat about Filipino holiday customs, poverty in the Philippines, and immigrant upbringings.
  • Christina: “My family lives below the poverty line there...the live-in maid is my aunt that’s deaf and mute and she sleeps in the backyard. Told you.” [06:32–06:51]
• Hilariously bleak stories about food in communist Hungary and the Republic of Georgia (e.g., eating spaghetti with ketchup, eating flower petals).
  • Christina: “I ordered spaghetti in 1990 or whatever, and they brought me pasta with ketchup on it.” [07:41]

3. Social Media Oddities & “Cool Guys”

Timestamp: 09:24–24:26

• The Mommies riff on their favorite TikTok “cool guys” and videos where people address messages to a specific person in public (e.g. “Jennifer, I hope you get this video…”).
• Ian: “What’s interesting is that this is for Jennifer, but everybody gets to see it. That’s why I think it’s cool.” [15:33]
• Christina launches her lipstick line and discusses her new “influencer” – a TikTok lady whose singular selling point is only sleeping with one man.
  • Christina: “She’s my first official TikTok influencer...She specifies, ‘I’ve only had one D in me.’” [10:11, 11:53]

4. “Nobody Cares!” – Relationship Etiquette and Insults

Timestamp: 20:02–24:50

• Audience email sparks a ferocious debate: Is telling your spouse “nobody cares” to their story rude or justified?
  • Tom: “It’s one of the most dismissive and rude things that somebody can say. It’s really rude, right?” [20:57]
  • Christina: “If a heckler did that, you would punch him in the stupid face, right?” [24:26]
• Varied discussion about marital boundaries and comedic etiquette.

5. Art, Nudity, and American Prudery

Timestamp: 17:31–19:54

• Christina is selling nude art of Tom for $1,000, riffing on how Americans are prudish about nudity compared to Europeans.
  • Christina: “Is Michelangelo’s David lewd? Lurid? No, it’s art.” [18:29]
  • Tom: “This is such an American outrage. Is there a hint of nudity? What if somebody sees it?” [18:35]

6. Grief, Dads & Vulnerability – The Steve Harvey Monologue

Timestamp: 37:43–42:12

• Tom shares a moving Steve Harvey video about losing his father, sparking reflections on parental love.
  • Steve Harvey (clip): "When a man's father dies, he realizes that the one man who truly wanted him to be better than him is gone..." [38:21]
  • Tom: “[My dad] was the only person I would basically call about anything.” [41:56]
• Christina warmly tells Tom she’s proud of him, acknowledging how it’s not the same but still matters.

7. Video Clip Reviews: Wild Internet Content

Running Thread throughout; see especially 45:01–115:12

• The crew watches and reacts to a grab-bag of chaotic or bizarre internet videos—classic YMH territory.
  • Will Blunderfield (BC’s own, per Ian) is featured drinking urine, promoting prostate massages, and claiming spiritual enlightenment.
    • Ian: “I feel like my prostate’s doing better since sitting in the chair [Will sat in].” [69:40]
    • Tom: “I did, like, reluctantly get pretty hard, and I was kind of pissed.” [69:54]
  • Absurd TikTok “freaks,” prison pen-pal reveals, public shaming, and cringe BDSM “aftercare” roleplay.

8. Marginalized Communities, Polyamory & Relationship “Advice”

Timestamp: 95:53–110:50

• Christina showcases her TikTok “curations,” focusing on marginalized/weird communities.
• They mock videos rationalizing polyamory and intricate BDSM “aftercare” talk.
  • Christina: “It’s these really detailed videos about being polyamorous and how to…rationalize it. She knows that like, this shouldn’t feel good, so I have to rationalize.” [110:03]

9. Neurological Humor, Bathroom Confessions, and Ending

• As always, fart jokes, talk about pooping in public, and the long-awaited return of the “Fart Mic” for maximum flatulence comedy. [117:34–118:55]
• Closing with genuine affection and gratitude between Tom, Christina, and Ian, celebrating years of friendship and comedy.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “Nobody Cares”:
  • Tom: “If you’re just having a good old time… and someone goes, ‘nobody cares,’ I think it’s like, one of the most dismissive and rude things that somebody can say.” [20:57]
• On public nudity and prudery:
  • Christina: “Why are Americans so uptight about dick? …Germans, always naked. They love it.” [19:39]
• Ian Bagg on Comedy Style:
  • “I just kind of shut down so I can have it for there [the stage]…It’s me in concentrate on stage.” [55:04]
  • Tom: “You really are a savant up there.” [60:12]
• Steve Harvey, on Dads:
  • Steve Harvey (clip): “Your father is the only man that has ever wanted you to be better than him…When he dies, you realize…the only person who said they were proud of me isn’t there anymore.” [38:21]
• On Ancient Warrior “Wellness”:
  • Tom: “Did you know that it’s gay to not eat your friend’s ass?” [71:47]
  • Christina: “Have you even cupped your friend’s balls?” [72:01]
• On Internet “Cool Guys”:
  • Ian: “Old jizz face.” [72:34]
• Christina’s lipstick influencer:
  • “She’s my first official TikTok influencer…She specifies, ‘I’ve only had one D in me.’” [11:53]

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Ian Bagg – Where to Find Him

• Currently on his “Einstitutionalized Tour” – tickets at ianbagg.com
• Podcast: Husky Boys (with Robert Oberst)

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Important Timestamps

| Segment | Topic | Timestamp | |---------|-------|-----------| | Show intro, heritage jokes, guest intro | [00:53]–[03:08] | | Rosh Hashanah and Filipino family talk | [03:29]–[06:32] | | Life in post-communist countries | [07:41] | | TikTok influencer & lipstick ad | [09:24]–[12:04] | | Social media as public confessional | [15:33] | | “Nobody cares!” marital debate | [20:02]–[24:50] | | Prudery and art/nudity sales | [17:31]–[19:54] | | Vulnerable Steve Harvey dad moment | [37:43]–[42:12] | | Ian Bagg nostalgia & comedy recollections | [45:24]–[55:56] | | “Cool guys,” Will Blunderfield urine therapy | [64:41]–[69:49] | | TikTok freaks, Bizarre polyamory advice | [95:53]–[110:50] | | BDSM “aftercare” parody, end-of-show love | [112:27]–[117:00] | | Fart mic finale | [117:31]–[118:55] |

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Tone & Language

• Tone: Irreverent, filthy, affectionate, and darkly honest
• Language: Adult, profane, full of inside jokes and “YMH” (Your Mom’s House) lingo
• Attribution: Quotes and bits consistently credited to the host/guest by name and timestamp

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Why Listen?

If you love genuine camaraderie, absurd comedy, and a “nothing is sacred” approach to podcasting, this episode is classic YMH: a wild ride through nostalgia, scatology, dodgy internet subcultures, and the unfiltered bonds between comics. Ian Bagg’s appearance injects a giddy, nostalgic spark, showing why "the Mommies" and their friends remain top-tier in the podcast/comedy world.

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Transcript

[Ian Bagg]

Will you guys be upset if I.

[Christina P]

Do it in English? Yeah, no, you do it your way. You do it Nyana's way. Okay. I don't know any other language. We don't speak any other language.

[Tom Segura]

Talaga or something.

[Christina P]

Oh, too.

[Ian Bagg]

Well. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliate potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Christina P]

Muganda, Umaga, everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's pretty cool. Welcome to the diverse world of your mom's house. I guess that's more any but crazy. It's 10:30.

[Christina P]

How did they do it?

[Ian Bagg]

Remember?

[Tom Segura]

That was like. That was some aab. You can't. You can't. What the was that?

[Christina P]

You can't.

[Tom Segura]

Don't do that. Don't you have to go out into the woods right now and grab lunch somewhere? What the.

[Christina P]

And Annie is very tall and slender.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

If we dropped him somewhere in Namibia, he could easily pass.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a up. No problem. He'd be like, they. They are. He's home. Yeah. Great.

[Christina P]

Do you think he would whip them into shape, though? Like, he would. He would be their leader probably very.

[Tom Segura]

Quickly because I don't know how receptive they would be to like, oh, the new guy's here. He's the leader. I don't think so. Yeah, I think they would be like, what's with all the clothes and.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just kind of go from there.

[Christina P]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

But Diana is half Filipino.

[Christina P]

I forget about that.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina P]

I've totally forgotten that.

[Ian Bagg]

A quarter.

[Tom Segura]

A quarter. Sorry. A quarter. Well, it's still something. So am I. By the way. You're a quarter Filipino. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I always forget. Yeah, everybody forgets that Tanner is also Filipino. Jesus, that's enough. Can we put a hiring freeze in place?

[Christina P]

You're telling me.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus, three Filipinos. It's insane.

[Christina P]

I don't even know there were Filipinos in Texas. We brought them. Yeah, we brought all three.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus, that's. That's a lot.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, anyway, we're done with that. You don't have to worry about any more of those. Welcome to another episode. I'm here with Nori. And I'm Tom. And we are my. We're excited. Today's going to be a lot of fun.

[Christina P]

Oh, man.

[Tom Segura]

One of our all time faves is coming in this going to be fun.

[Christina P]

He's an old school guest and we went to South Africa with him, actually.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we actually did. We. We. We saw it all there.

[Christina P]

I know. I miss him so much.

[Tom Segura]

The dyed orange beards and.

[Christina P]

So cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I can't wait to see him. Bagels?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Real quick. Of course. Happy Rosh Hashanah. I know that there's a. This is coming out, I believe, during Rosh Hashanah. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

And I see you wore your especially Jewish hair.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Christina P]

Yeah. What's going on?

[Tom Segura]

It's terrible, but it's okay.

[Christina P]

It is terrible.

[Tom Segura]

You know what?

[Ian Bagg]

I finally tried to embrace the Jew.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Ian Bagg]

And I'm doing it to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.

[Tom Segura]

A jewel. Didn't you have the Jew for as a kid? As a kid?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's sick. It wasn't. It was terrible.

[Ian Bagg]

No, that's bringing it back.

[Christina P]

Whatever you had before was much better. Don't you think, Tom?

[Ian Bagg]

Well, I don't.

[Tom Segura]

I kind of dig this. I feel like we're watching him evolve and, you know, like, he's. He's turning into, like, a real adult. So you got to kind of fuck with different looks. Yeah. I love the stache.

[Ian Bagg]

I appreciate it. I don't know if I believe you, but thank you.

[Tom Segura]

No, I do. I like. I know Christina hates it. Oh, I like it.

[Christina P]

Not interested.

[Tom Segura]

I like it.

[Christina P]

What do you like about it?

[Tom Segura]

It's just there's masculine energy that kind of comes off of it.

[Christina P]

That's true. Josh is a very masculine young man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

I don't like his bangs.

[Ian Bagg]

You.

[Christina P]

You curly bangs are very hard to do.

[Ian Bagg]

We push the bangs back.

[Christina P]

Push them back.

[Tom Segura]

Deal with it. So I know it's. This is being recorded, obviously, before. Since you're taking off your holy day, what will you do on Rosh Hashanah?

[Ian Bagg]

I'll say happy New Year if I see a Jew, and that's about it. Because I don't really know what else we do on this.

[Tom Segura]

You don't even know. You don't know what happens.

[Christina P]

Never in my life have we really.

[Ian Bagg]

Done anything for Rosh Hashanah.

[Tom Segura]

Your family never did anything growing up.

[Ian Bagg]

Yom Kippur is what comes, like, after it, I think. And you, like, fast and repent or.

[Tom Segura]

What did you guys do that?

[Ian Bagg]

My dad would do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Just your dad.

[Ian Bagg]

I'd try a little bit, but.

[Tom Segura]

So Rosh Hashanah, though. Nothing.

[Ian Bagg]

We would do nothing.

[Tom Segura]

No. Is it like, what's traditionally done, like, service gifts?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A big dinner.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, I'm sure they go to. They go to temple. They eat a bunch of shitty food.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Is it really?

[Tom Segura]

You're an exemplary Jew, man.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm a terrible.

[Christina P]

Wait, is it the matzo, like the unleavened stuff?

[Ian Bagg]

That's Passover.

[Christina P]

What do you guys eat? I mean, what's like creplak soup and the good stuff that I like locks. You guys have lox and bagels for sure.

[Ian Bagg]

I think a lot of like dry shitty chicken.

[Tom Segura]

Do you guys. Do you other people types. Do you guys do something special for like Filipino special holidays?

[Christina P]

No, no, I think they're just happy to be here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And not in the Philippines.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Philippines are great though.

[Christina P]

Have you been?

[Tom Segura]

No, but I've heard wonderful things.

[Christina P]

I think it's. I think it's great if you're really rich. If you're not, it's not that great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I heard you can get a house really cheap. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That is cool.

[Christina P]

And you can have a live in servant who sleeps in your laundry room. Isn't that true?

[Tom Segura]

Geez.

[Christina P]

No, I'm serious. You can have like a slave, like a living.

[Tom Segura]

That's a different word. But okay. You just said live in servant.

[Christina P]

Oh, but they barely pay them anything. And then I saw this documentary where like on the servants day off, their one day off they go into like the city center and they play card games and they talk is all. They're all cramped up together.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, this is. Wow.

[Christina P]

What? Am I wrong? Nana, have you been there? Yeah. My family lives below the poverty line there. So it's a one bedroom house with 20 people. And the live in maid is my aunt that's deaf and mute and she sleeps in the backyard. Told you.

[Tom Segura]

You were shockingly accurate. You never believe me.

[Christina P]

I know these things. I have Filipino friends.

[Tom Segura]

Shockingly accurate.

[Christina P]

Remember my Filipino friend baggage? She tell me this stuff and she make lumpia for us and all that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, well, I'll go out and just say this. I'd like to visit the Philippines.

[Christina P]

Go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Is there Four Seasons there?

[Tom Segura]

Because Tom, stay at the Normal. I want the real experience, the real, the people. Yes, yes.

[Christina P]

I'm sure Nana's fan. Like I'm sure they're the nicest people in the world and they'll put you up because they're so sweet.

[Tom Segura]

What about you? Any. Do you ever visit family in the Philippines? No, I'm pretty sure all my Filipino family is here. Okay. I don't think I have any in.

[Christina P]

Good move, buddy. Good move.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, this is where it's at.

[Tom Segura]

Alright.

[Christina P]

I was just telling Tom this morning about times when I would go to Hungary. Like right when communism fell.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I ordered spaghetti in 1990 or whatever, and they brought me pasta with ketchup on it. And I was like, what the is this? My dad's like, they don't have tomato. There's no. There's no sauce here. There's like nothing in 1990.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P]

It's pretty shitty.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Kind of cool, though.

[Christina P]

If you don't live there.

[Tom Segura]

One of my sisters, she lived for a summer in the Republic of Georgia. And when we got. She got back, we were like, what was the food like? She goes, we ate flowers a lot. Like we would just eat the petals of a flower.

[Christina P]

Dang.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P]

It's better now, though.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. This was a 93 or 4.

[Christina P]

That's wild that they let her go alone to the Republic of Georgia. I'm not sure I'd want to go there now as a lady.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I check it out. I'm curious.

[Christina P]

You're a curious cosmic.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a curious Cosby. All right, Ready to start the show.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Good stuff for you, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dog. Hello, my name is Sandra Cathedra.

[Tom Segura]

Give me a father.

[Christina P]

I've only been with one man in.

[Tom Segura]

My life and we're divorced.

[Christina P]

Oh, I'm looking for men. Okay. Clever.

[Tom Segura]

Who is Randy?

[Ian Bagg]

Don't bring anyone mother into this.

[Christina P]

I'm devil Worst. Welcome to your man's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is one of my. We love her favorite uses of social media.

[Christina P]

Yeah, me too.

[Tom Segura]

This is really good.

[Christina P]

Tom Little.

[Tom Segura]

Give me a father.

[Christina P]

Do you know, did you realize that this lady is my new model for my lipstick?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow. Oh, that's great.

[Christina P]

She's the one. And I have this new shade coming out. It's gonna come out later that is.

[Tom Segura]

Exclusive to Sandra and you.

[Christina P]

That's right. She's my first official TikTok influencer.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

She's wearing one of my new shades. You're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it. And I've got four other colors. Christinap.com Buy your lipsticks here. Okay. They're so good, but yes. Sandra's testing, test piloting a few different things. What do you think? She got your attention?

[Tom Segura]

She got my attention in more than one way. I think the lipstick is the first thing you notice, then you notice other things. But the lipstick is great. So don't forget to get Christina P's, you know, perfect red or Berlin or.

[Christina P]

Madison or Atomic Red. Something for everyone.

[Tom Segura]

There's something for everyone.

[Christina P]

Well, we chose this color for her.

[Tom Segura]

What do you think? What do you think of just putting it out there like this? I guess this is.

[Christina P]

It's the only way as a woman and. And it says everything. She says everything.

[Tom Segura]

What do you think of the choice of doing social media call for love as opposed to just getting on a dating site where it's designed for that?

[Christina P]

I'll tell you what. I think it's a little better to go on Tik Tok and just put it out there.

[Tom Segura]

I'm divorced versus getting on Hinge or one man.

[Christina P]

Because I can do a deep dive on your posts on your social.

[Tom Segura]

I'll really see who you are and.

[Christina P]

Really get in there. Whereas I guess on the apps I'd have to like hunt for you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, either way, you guys know what to do. Go go on Instagram. I think this is from Instagram.

[Ian Bagg]

And give me a follow.

[Tom Segura]

Give her a follow and see if maybe you're single, maybe you're looking for someone.

[Christina P]

I have to say he's only been with one guy and that's the big selling point.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm not run through. I'm not a trash B.

[Christina P]

That's what I'm talking about. And I really like that for.

[Tom Segura]

I do too. She's like, you know, saving herself for somebody worthy.

[Christina P]

Yes. I think she's going to find that person. That man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And she specifies. Hey, I want a man. I've only had one D in me.

[Tom Segura]

I'm available.

[Christina P]

I'm recently divorced.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And give me a follow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

She's four things I need.

[Tom Segura]

So you like this?

[Christina P]

Love it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Christina P]

Well, that's why she's the official spokesperson for my lipstick.

[Tom Segura]

So there's one way of doing it another way. I've always been a big fan of when you use social media as a public forum to address one person, that's fine. I think that's one of the clever things you can do is just publicly address one person.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Ian Bagg]

Jennifer, I hope you get this video. Yeah, yeah. On a 200 hour lithium batteries.

[Tom Segura]

No, you're only going to get eight.

[Ian Bagg]

Hours no matter what.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Ian Bagg]

I got 5,000 BTU.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm probably running the same kind of wattage.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh yeah. And then my generator charges up the batteries because solar panels ain't gonna do that.

[Christina P]

That's what I've heard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I have it ready for the next day.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Try not to use any more than you have to. Right, right. I mean I Everything shut up right now.

[Christina P]

See, I see that.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, it's cooled up and up in here. Where I don't need it. Yeah, open a window or something if you can. Yeah, I got 2400 watt generator and.

[Tom Segura]

I run off the batteries. I don't run them all down. Right. See this? And what's interesting is that this is for Jennifer, but everybody gets to see it. That's why I think it's cool.

[Christina P]

Well, I think it's interesting as somebody who just lives in the scaffolding of a building, he elected not to put in insulation.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's in the attic. Yeah, it's cool. He's living in an attic.

[Christina P]

So that's why he needs all those BTUs.

[Tom Segura]

You know what we got to start doing?

[Christina P]

Energy just seeps right out.

[Tom Segura]

We have to start doing public videos for one person.

[Christina P]

For one person.

[Tom Segura]

We have to start. I cannot.

[Christina P]

Christina, listen, Ellis is sick and needs cough syrup.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Ryan. I saw what you sent. So what I'm using over at the house right now is there's these water glass bottles that come and it's just. You don't waste as much as with the plastic. Here's my setup. And this just. This is just for Ryan.

[Christina P]

It's just for Ryan. I don't know. But, hey, kudos to him for even getting on TikTok.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Kirk, we're moving the flight up to one. I don't. When you get in town, but the airport is the same when we go out of.

[Christina P]

Please.

[Tom Segura]

I'll just start. See, I'll see you there. Okay.

[Christina P]

Will you start doing this? You know how furious people would be.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Why are you posting this? I'm like, so in case Kirk sees it. It's just for him, it's like back.

[Christina P]

In the 90s when you'd have a dorm room and then you'd put like a post it note on your friend's door. Like, I hope they see this. You changed the plan.

[Tom Segura]

We used to have codes for I'm no kidding. Or I'm trying to get some in this room. So you'd put a certain color notepad on the door. That just meant don't knock, don't try to come in.

[Christina P]

Wow. What was your color?

[Tom Segura]

I think. I can't remember.

[Christina P]

Brown?

[Tom Segura]

Something like that. Yeah, I just meant like, keep walking, don't knock. Yeah, I'm jacking my D right now.

[Christina P]

Speaking of jacking my D right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Around and find out. Sold for US$60,000. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

You did it, man.

[Christina P]

You did it.

[Tom Segura]

You just had the wrong price point.

[Christina P]

It was the wrong price point. I made it more accessible. Whatever. And now I'm prints a fuck around and find out. You can find that now on the YMH website. Yep. Sold. Gone.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible.

[Christina P]

Oh, are we. Are we gone already?

[Tom Segura]

That's the original.

[Christina P]

But that's not the posters. Right. Anyway, the posters there, you can buy an autographed print for a measly $50.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. But that's the way a lot of people can get the great artwork.

[Christina P]

Yes. And I've. I've decided after much going back and forth, I'm going to put Tom Segura naked with the bear. The original for sale on ymh.com. this one I'm going to lower. The original will be on sale for $1,000. And if you're wondering why my sticker is covering the best part of the picture, the drawing, obviously.

[Tom Segura]

The terrifyingly accurate section.

[Christina P]

That's right. We were flagged on. On the service that we're putting videos on.

[Tom Segura]

They said it was, you know, nudity.

[Christina P]

Which is.

[Tom Segura]

Which is. It was barely nudity because it was barely there.

[Christina P]

And it's called art, you know? Is Michelangelo's David lewd? Lurid. No, it's art.

[Tom Segura]

This is such an American outrage. It is very American of like.

[Christina P]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Is there a hint of nudity? What if somebody sees it? There was a time where they were. They wanted to put cloth over the. The. Like the. You know, the Statue of Justice.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah. Why show her titles?

[Tom Segura]

The breasts are out and they're like, well, what the fuck? We got to cover these up. It's like a statue of a breast. Okay.

[Christina P]

Especially because everybody has these parts.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like, who's. Who's flipping out that you saw a statue of a breast?

[Christina P]

And it's not like this other statue was sucking on that statue.

[Tom Segura]

No, it wasn't. Like there was nut all over the tits. That would be crazy.

[Christina P]

Like, here's your justice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's so crazy. It's crazy here.

[Christina P]

I know. They are very prude about that.

[Tom Segura]

It's so weird.

[Christina P]

That's why I'm fighting the good fight, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

So you're making this an accessible price.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Thousand dollars. The original for sale.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P]

@Ymh.Com and. And then we'll see if you're really for the people. I am for the people. Thank you. And spreading my art through the world.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's really cool.

[Christina P]

And that is so funny. Why are Americans so uptight about dick?

[Tom Segura]

It's so weird.

[Christina P]

Man boobs and there's, like, no new. Not a lot of nude beaches. Whereas, like, Germans always naked. They love.

[Tom Segura]

They're just not weird about the human body there.

[Christina P]

No, they shouldn't be.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I agree.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All right. This. This email came in and we're all. We've been marinating on it. It's so interesting.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Should I read it?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. It's actually addressed to you, so it says, christina, I don't know if you ever. If you'll ever see this. I hope you will. I'd like you to settle an argument between my husband and I. My husband, nobody cared. A story of mine in front of a group of friends. So as in, I'm telling a funny story and he says, nobody cares. Two days later and I'm still not talking to that motherfucker.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've got 15 years of service in with this bastard and I can go much longer than two days. I think nobody cares and it wasn't that funny. Are two of the meanest things a person can say to someone who is a natural born comedian in parentheses. Me as a real comedian. Do you agree or am I being ridiculous? Thank you, Jen.

[Christina P]

Jen. I mean, this sparked a hot debate.

[Tom Segura]

It did. Because here's the thing. One of the things that's being left out of this scenario is the context of what is happening. In other words, if you're just having a good old time hanging out with friends, somebody, let's say you in this case, tells a story. And in that hey, we're having fun atmosphere, I go, nobody cares. I think it's like, it's one of the most dismissive and rude things that somebody can say. It's really rude, right? Oh, boy.

[Christina P]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

I'm.

[Christina P]

The pee register. It's back. It's back. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate everybody that worked so hard to bring back the fart mic.

[Tom Segura]

I'm sorry, were you saying something so that one. You know, but my question is like, yeah, okay, but paint the full picture.

[Christina P]

I agree.

[Tom Segura]

What I'm saying is, were you being a fucking bitch all day?

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Are you. Are you kind of an asshole? Was the story one that ridiculed him?

[Christina P]

That's what that.

[Tom Segura]

Why it's funny is like what I was thinking. It feels like we don't know because like I said, if everything's great and anybody, whoever your spouse or girlfriend boyfriend is just goes, nobody cares. Like, that's a real asshole thing to say. Why is this guy saying that? Is he saying it because he's just a huge dick?

[Christina P]

No, I think there's two possible scenarios. One is that the story is actually so Bad and insufferable. And she's told it numerous times that it never gets a laugh, but she insists on telling the story. And he's like. He's heard it for 15 years. And he's like, dude, right? Nobody likes this bit. Stop doing the bit, Jen.

[Tom Segura]

We need more information.

[Christina P]

We need more. But another one, too, is maybe it is a story where he feels degraded and diminished. Fucking 15 years of this. Nobody cares. Yes, Melissa. That one time I took out the trash, and there was a hole in the bag and the trash fell out. Everybody does that.

[Tom Segura]

Right, right, right.

[Christina P]

We just don't know. But as a blanket, like, just as on that. From what information she provides. Like, could you even imagine.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying. It's so clearly that with the presentation of this story, I want to know, are you an.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And is that why he's saying this?

[Christina P]

Because that is such a dismissive thing.

[Tom Segura]

It's terrible.

[Christina P]

It's an. It's grounds for dismissal.

[Tom Segura]

It's really bad.

[Christina P]

Like, if we were dating and I told a story and you go, nobody cares. I'd be like, oh, boy, we're.

[Tom Segura]

This is done while. While you're with a group, and everyone's, like, having a good time just to. Just to toss somebody a Nobody cares.

[Christina P]

See, I think. I think she belittled him because we.

[Tom Segura]

Think there's more to this.

[Christina P]

We have couple friends.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Where the woman constantly, constantly diminishes the man in front of everybody. Maybe that's the one time he stood up for himself.

[Tom Segura]

All this is possible. And look, to be clear, maybe you hear all of this, what we're saying, and you go, I understand your questions. None of those are true. We were just having a good old time, and this guy tossed me a nobody cares.

[Christina P]

Two days. I wouldn't talk to him for two years. If you said nobody care. Comedians don't even do that to each other when a joke bombs in the room. No, you never go, nobody cares.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

If a heckler did that, you would punch him in a stupid face. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Nobody cares.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody cares is like a Instagram comment. Like, it's really rarely said, you know what I mean, in front of people. Like, I guess if you were, like, super tight, and you guys have a rapport of, like, busting balls all the time, nobody cared. But, like, there's also a way in which you say that to, like, your friend, you know?

[Christina P]

Like, I have to say, though, when the. Particularly when, like, a female celebrity posts some stupid selfie or, like, something, and somebody goes Nobody cares in the comments. It makes my day every time because I would never do that. But I like when someone else does it.

[Tom Segura]

It's nice.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I have that schadenfreude of like oh my God. Thrive Market isn't just convenient, it's a lifesaver. Now that school's back, I'm stocking up on all my family's must haves from healthy snack packs to high protein meals to non toxic cleaning supplies, making our morning routine a bit less hectic. Their groceries are high quality and no Junk over 1000 sketchy ingredients restricted and all trusted by parrots so you can shop worry free. Thrive Market has been saving me so much time. Instead of running to three different stores or trying to vet every ingredient on a million labels, Thrive lets you shop by diet values or even your kids ever changing food preferences because honestly, their taste changes weekly of course. Always. I've easily cut out artificial dyes and processed sugar with the healthy snacks they've been sending me. Some of our Thrive Market favorites are Annie's Fruit Snacks. They're just my kids go to and they don't even know that. It's like Healthy Suckers, organic smoothie, melts, Jolly Llama ice cream cones and my personal favorite Poppy sodas, the Probiotic soda. I freaking love those. Go to thrive market.com ymh to get 30 off your first order and a free $60 gift.

[Tom Segura]

Life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused without over complicating things. That's why I'm excited to have Via sponsoring this podcast. I love this dude. I take it every night right before I go to bed. It's the how I wind down. Via is the Go to brand for effect based hemp products with real targeted benefits from award winning gummies with ingredients like MACA for energy, L theanine for Calm and THCV for focus. Every product is designed with a purpose. Choose the strength and formula that fits your needs, Wellness, Focus or Calm. The best part VIA legally ships across the US in discreet packaging directly to your door. No medical card required. If you're 21 and up, check out the link to Via in our description and use the code ymh to receive 15% off free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your everyday with Via. I did kind of a Nobody cares. At one of these Emmy parties.

[Christina P]

You did.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This lady comes up to me and, you know, she's in her evening gown, and she was like. She had an accent. She's like, do you have a cigarette or a vape or something or vibe or something? And I go, now I have a nicotine pouch. And she goes, that's so gay. And I go, it's not as gay as a fucking vape like that. And I point it in her face. And she was like, okay, okay. And I'm like, so that's what I got. You want one? She was like, no. I'm like, okay, cool.

[Christina P]

Well, first of all, I agree with you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What you do is not gay at all. It's very masculine. It's not gay in the least.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

She's a gaylord. She's a fucking gay.

[Tom Segura]

And I got to dismiss her in a fun way, too.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because I said that. And I was like, so you don't want one? She was like, no. I go, where are you from? She was like, gays.

[Christina P]

Gays.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, I don't know. Gaytown, Norway? Denmark? No. No. And then I was like, all right, so where? She goes, well, guess. I go, I already guessed. And then I turned. Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know what? I'm so glad that you're rude to strange women in public. That really warms my heart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was fun. It was fun to, like, go like, I'm not interested. Really. I was just being polite, you know? Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I like that you're mean to attractive women. That's cool.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Christina P]

That's why I like male comics. They. They don't. They don't care.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

For hot chicks because they've been beaten.

[Tom Segura]

Up by them and interested. I was like, go suck on a vape somewhere else, lady.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah, that's my man.

[Tom Segura]

Big gay homo lady.

[Christina P]

That's like me. When that lady was like, do you have a husband? I was like, of course I'm a husband.

[Tom Segura]

The next thing that I was going to say if. When she was like, keep guessing, I was going to be like, nobody cares.

[Christina P]

Nobody cares.

[Tom Segura]

It's not that interesting.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you're not that interesting.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Gosh, what was I?

[Tom Segura]

Also the endless keep guessing. It's like, what do you. What it's not. You know, if you want to be like, guess where I'm from. Like, all right, I'll guess. Bop bop. No. Okay. Where are you from? Keep guessing.

[Christina P]

You just don't keep. Guess. Don't do that. Nobody really wants to Guess.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. It's not.

[Christina P]

Nobody wants me to guess.

[Tom Segura]

30 countries. Like, no.

[Christina P]

And not only that. She probably gets asked that question so frequently. Where are you from? She should have a better answer.

[Tom Segura]

By now I know why I reacted this way.

[Christina P]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

Because my mother loves that game.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

My whole life, whenever we're anywhere, they go, oh, where are you from? She'll go, gays. And then they go, oh, God, Russia.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, Germany. She's like, not even close. And then they finally go over to Latin America and of course they're like, mexico, Honduras, Guatemala. Keep guessing. And I'm like, just tell them where you're from. Like, he's not gonna get it right. Just tell him.

[Christina P]

He's. They're never gonna. Especially Americans. They don't know where anything is. They're not gonna wanna. My dad had a good answer. When people be like, where are you from? He's like, china.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Like dead faced. I'm like, that's kind of funny.

[Tom Segura]

She would do that sometimes. She would. But she didn't do that on the long guess. She would do that as the immediate answer, like he did. So they would go, where are you from?

[Christina P]

And then go, no, I'm hungry.

[Tom Segura]

And then they would go, for real? And she'd go, yes, I speak Chinese. And she would do that to them. And they were like, all right, it's.

[Christina P]

A little too far.

[Tom Segura]

And then I would pretend to translate. That was when it was fun. I go, oh, she says, you have really pretty eyes.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They were like, oh, tell her thank you. Yeah, fun. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Nobody cares.

[Christina P]

Nobody cares, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I know, I know.

[Christina P]

Oh, I know. What happened to him? I'm looking for a girl.

[Tom Segura]

I'm looking for girl. He's probably out there.

[Christina P]

Girlfriend.

[Tom Segura]

I bet he's switching teams now. It's been so long.

[Christina P]

Possibly to hold hands with. Remember he got so excited to go to the movies.

[Tom Segura]

I hope he found love. It was a sweet kid. He was sweet.

[Christina P]

It was one of the more innocent clips we've ever played.

[Tom Segura]

Here's another one.

[Christina P]

Oh, what'd you say?

[Tom Segura]

You doing some drugs?

[Ian Bagg]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No. Well, I just want to body your sex. Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

That's all right. You step back.

[Tom Segura]

Boy, oh boy.

[Ian Bagg]

Boy.

[Tom Segura]

High five. Get out of here, kid. Hey, don't make me get a sexy bite on you. Are you serious, kid? I'll eat the out of your ass.

[Ian Bagg]

Are you serious, kid?

[Christina P]

Dead serious.

[Tom Segura]

So that's what you're trying to do?

[Ian Bagg]

Pick a fight?

[Christina P]

I want to eat your ass. That's what you're trying to do.

[Ian Bagg]

I just want to eat your ass.

[Tom Segura]

So you work for Walmart?

[Ian Bagg]

No, I want eat your ass. All right. I'll eat your ass one day.

[Tom Segura]

See, that was sweet too.

[Christina P]

I, I could watch this all day. I know like some young kid going up to old dudes who have never even heard such a thing and they're.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what the real move for that old guy, he should have just grabbed him by the collar, just been like, like try to, you know, grabbed him by the.

[Christina P]

Pull his pants down and grabbed that kid by the collar and mush his face and his ass and go prove it.

[Tom Segura]

And you know that, that older man, he doesn't have the freshest right now.

[Christina P]

Nope.

[Tom Segura]

He's been out, he's eaten, he's probably had a few drinks. His ass is pretty gamey.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So if you shove that young kid's face in your right now, that's gonna remember it.

[Christina P]

But, but that is the, the move if you are an older man is.

[Tom Segura]

Grab someone by the collar and make him shoot your ass. Well, it, that's the move.

[Christina P]

It is the move when you're being disrespected in public on somebody's stupid phone and you're like, yeah, come here. Yeah, come here. Eat my butt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't like, I really don't like actually, honestly, like with people like this.

[Christina P]

I do.

[Tom Segura]

You do? I don't like it.

[Christina P]

I like it when it's between two males. Cuz there's always the danger of a fight breaking.

[Tom Segura]

I know. But here's the thing. That guy that's getting into his car.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's not bothering anybody.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

That's why I don't think it's cool.

[Christina P]

Well, I think, here's why I think it's okay. Because older guys are generally calmer. They're usually dads and, or granddads. So they're used to kids being kind of jerks like, you know what I mean? Older persons like us, you're like, all right, kid, what you got?

[Tom Segura]

But you want someone to come with you. I don't think you do, actually.

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

No, I do know.

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

No, you don't like it.

[Christina P]

We'll see.

[Tom Segura]

If you were doing what if some.

[Christina P]

Lady was like, I want to eat your box. Jordan. Jordan Jensen's like, what? What? Some older lesbian or younger lesbian comes up to me and she's like, she's not gay. I know, I know. We know that. But this is a bit, it's a bit.

[Tom Segura]

Tell Me the bit. So.

[Christina P]

Yeah, and it's her. It's like her prank thing and going.

[Tom Segura]

Up to like an older, older ladies.

[Christina P]

And being like, I wanna. Can I eat your box? I mean, I might be like, all right.

[Tom Segura]

See, I. I know you too well. None of this is true.

[Christina P]

Like, you want to. What?

[Tom Segura]

No, you would. If you were like going to your car right now, you'd go, hey, off, man. Okay. Yeah, that's how you would be.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's true.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, oh, it would be fun. No, it wouldn't.

[Christina P]

But I like to watch other people suffer.

[Tom Segura]

I see.

[Christina P]

I do enjoy. I love schadenfreude.

[Tom Segura]

I love.

[Christina P]

I love other people's misery.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know what I really love? This is pretty dark too. I love it when people get all the fame and all the success and all the money and they're still empty inside.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I live for that. Like what The Instagram, where you just know that person is so empty inside.

[Tom Segura]

But you get by what they post. You can tell.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You're like, oh, this thirst trap, like this empty void inside, like, oh, it's so deep. It's so bad. You know, and that the external is like, everything's great. That makes me so.

[Tom Segura]

It's always big. The. The God I like the big one that I consistently see.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

As the big tell is the people who constantly post about the joy of their relationship.

[Christina P]

Big time losers. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And especially in like celebrity culture.

[Christina P]

Ooh. They hate each other.

[Tom Segura]

I'm with my love, my partner.

[Christina P]

This or like this man and I, this wonderful man and I have spun around earth, the sun 30 times together. We have two children.

[Tom Segura]

And if it's, if it's a self taken photo and the, the. The image is of like, you know, like, like, like it's like this was a captured candid. But that means you went like this and then you were like, look at me.

[Christina P]

And you're like, oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, that's it.

[Christina P]

Just us, natural love.

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, that's not how that photo came about.

[Christina P]

I know, I read. Sorry. I probably saw some tick tock thing that was like women in relationships who pose, who do like thirst trap photos, like are the unhappiest.

[Tom Segura]

Like. Yeah.

[Christina P]

If you're a married lady and you're like, oh my God, look at me in my bikini. Seriously, something's wrong. Yeah, that's not gonna last too long.

[Tom Segura]

It's okay. Do what you want. Speaking of.

[Christina P]

Wait, am I the worst person? Because I love it when I the More success, someone gets, the emptier I know they feel.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's not necessarily that, you know, that they're empty. It's just you're like. So anyone who has.

[Christina P]

The people that I know that are doing things are.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but you're talking about a specific combination of things.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're not saying that anybody who has a success is unhappy.

[Christina P]

No, There's a specific type that I get a joy from.

[Tom Segura]

I know what you're saying. Yeah, I know.

[Christina P]

Because it's never enough.

[Tom Segura]

I know who I think. I even know who you're thinking.

[Christina P]

It's never enough.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I know. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That makes me.

[Tom Segura]

It fills you with joy.

[Christina P]

Yeah. They're spiritual.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's honest. What you're saying right now is something that people are reluctant to say, but a lot of them actually feel the same.

[Christina P]

They're pieces of. Like me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But then I'm pretending like I'm so spiritually enlightened and I'm not because I'm enjoying someone else. Else's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Existential.

[Tom Segura]

Well, we're all up. And nobody cares about anything but themselves.

[Christina P]

Nobody cares about me or you or, you know, who gives a about you who should is your mom.

[Tom Segura]

But that doesn't count because they don't, so. Yeah, they don't. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's why it's so up.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I think my dad did.

[Christina P]

I don't think your dad loved you. Your dad really gave a. I know.

[Tom Segura]

You know, he liked you very much. Cried watching. I can't believe I cried watching a Steve Harvey clip.

[Christina P]

Oh, it was in my stories, the Family Feud.

[Tom Segura]

It wasn't from Family Feud. It was him talking about when his dad died.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And I watched it and I cried. It was really good. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Can you tell me what he said?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, we should probably just play the clip.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Can we?

[Christina P]

Now I'm gonna cry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's. It's tear worthy. Can you find it if you go to my stories and. And through some.

[Christina P]

Is this a setup? And he's.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, you pussy. No, it was. It was really good.

[Christina P]

I wish I had a dad that.

[Tom Segura]

Loved me, but it did make me cry.

[Christina P]

Or even a mom that loved me.

[Ian Bagg]

Quote that I learned that helped me with my father's death. And I couldn't understand why it was beating me up so bad. When a man's father dies, he realizes that the one man who truly wanted him to be better than him is gone. Your father is the only man that has ever wanted you to be better than him. Ain't another man living wants you to be better than him, bruh.

[Tom Segura]

I've never heard that.

[Ian Bagg]

I love you, man, but I don't want you to be better than me.

[Tom Segura]

That's real.

[Ian Bagg]

Your father wants you to be better than him. And when he dies, you realize the part that fucked me so bad was. I don't feel like crying today, man. The only thing. How about that? Listen, man, I. I didn't have nobody when my daddy died. I didn't have nobody to say they was proud of me. They me up. Yeah, because, you know, my dad used to call me and say, man, I'm so proud. And when he died, man, nobody said that to me no more. Nobody. And it's kind of crazy, man. Until I married Marjorie, nobody said they was proud of me. So. Loser. That's what the fuck part for me was with him. He came to all my shows, fly him out. My mother never saw me. Cause she ain't want to hear me cussing, so my mother never saw me. My dad, even if the show was sold out, I'd make him take a fold away chair and pop it up for him and my brother. My dad would sit down there and he was sitting next to this lady one time, she said, oh, well, you must be special, sir. They done put a fold away chair in there. He said, yeah, you know that boy that fitting to come out here, Steve Harvey? That's my son. All these niggas in here done paid to see this boy right here. And my father would sit there, man, and I sent him money all the time. My mother said, your daddy go down there with that check in his pocket with his gun. And everybody was trying to, Mr. Harvey, where is you getting all this money from? You seen the TV show? The Steve Harvey Show? They say, yeah, that's my boy right there. And that, that all that gave me the juice I needed when he left, man, that me.

[Tom Segura]

So. Yeah, that broke me last night.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then I, you know, the funny thing is I, I reposted it. So I was just like, oh, you know, I don't think too much about it. I just reposted it. I got hit up by so many people about how it affect people who have lost their dads. Like so many people replied to it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's got to be. Yeah, that's got to be crazy to have someone that actually really, I mean, he really did love and support you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Throughout, like we were the brokest, leanest years and the best. And yeah, that's. That, that's got to Be hard. Have someone who actually, like, really rooted for you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he was the only person I would basically call about anything. I'd be like, this is happening. It was always like, yeah. Then this just goes away. He's right. It totally just goes away.

[Christina P]

Well, I'm proud of you.

[Tom Segura]

I know you are.

[Christina P]

Doesn't count. It's not the same.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But it's still nice.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are you proud of this guy?

[Christina P]

Sure. Fancy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's fancy and nice, though. That actually looks crazy.

[Tom Segura]

You know, this was interesting.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He took this down.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I don't know if he was. It was. Wasn't up to his standards of like videography or the. Maybe the food wasn't exactly as. We couldn't figure it out. But he actually took this one down. Huh. Interesting, right? You just want someone to call you and say, I'm proud of you.

[Christina P]

Let's go. What happened there?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. But it was crazy that he put that on Instagram. Isn't it?

[Christina P]

What's going on?

[Tom Segura]

And it wasn't a frame. It was a nice long, deliberate. Here's something else that I have.

[Christina P]

Was that also on his menu, is what I'm wondering.

[Tom Segura]

I believe if the price is right. Kind of everything's available.

[Christina P]

Is that why it costs $5,000 and up. Does that. Is that included?

[Tom Segura]

His scale and how it slides is fascinating.

[Christina P]

Well, can I say something as an artist?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, right. That's right. Because you just sell artwork. Some days he's just like 100 grand. Some days he's like, it's a hundred bucks. Next day it says 4 million.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Next day, 5. It's all over the place. But I guess it's just kind of how you feel.

[Christina P]

It is how you feel. What do you think possessed that? And he's not one to make edits. That's really crazy that he did an edit in his video. He usually doesn't do that.

[Tom Segura]

You want to tell the audience that can't see this, what we saw.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So we saw cakes and we saw strawberries and table set. And then what. What happened next?

[Christina P]

Well, it was like a big chocolate bar.

[Tom Segura]

It was a chocolate bar.

[Christina P]

It was a king size Snickers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It was his Snickers in the thing. His Snickers bar was there.

[Tom Segura]

He put his 3/4 full penis erect. Pretty close.

[Christina P]

And he didn't touch it, but he waggled it.

[Tom Segura]

He waggled it from the bottom so you couldn't see his hands. But it said hello.

[Christina P]

And for A minute.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's the thing, is it wasn't like, hey, what did it.

[Christina P]

You get to go, oh, it wasn't spliced in there.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe he was just super horny when he made this.

[Christina P]

I think so. Yeah. He just put it out. Wow, that was crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy.

[Christina P]

You should do that for your next promo for your updates.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm doing that. I'm doing that.

[Christina P]

Yeah, we have to put his in there.

[Tom Segura]

I would like people to know what I got.

[Christina P]

You know, they do if they can buy my photo.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's right. I don't have to show anybody anymore.

[Christina P]

It's my drawing.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool.

[Christina P]

They know exactly what you're wearing. Look at that physique. God damn, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Been working hard. All right, let's take a quick break.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And we'll be back with one of our all time faves. All right. And we are back. And our guest, who we're so happy to have here, is currently on his einstitutionalized tour. You can get [e-mail] you can see his podcast, Husky Boys, which he hosts with Robert Oberst. Give it up for Ian Bagg. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Bagels.

[Ian Bagg]

Ah, it's so good to see you guys.

[Christina P]

I know. I love you.

[Ian Bagg]

It's been too long, and you guys have been too busy, and I've just watched you from the sidelines.

[Tom Segura]

It's been as long.

[Ian Bagg]

Hoping for a trip.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

And then when you guys get hurt, I get happy.

[Tom Segura]

Great, Great.

[Ian Bagg]

I, I, you know, when you guys, you guys got. You have gotten hurt a couple times. I, I get uncomfortable reaching out because I do care about you.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I know the feeling. I know the feeling. You're talking.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm like, holy. Guys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Are you okay?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And instead you're just like, I guess that's what you do. You shouldn't have done that, huh? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, he's Canadian, folks. You know how they are now. We've. Dude, we've known you 20 years, man.

[Ian Bagg]

We've known each other five hours.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's really crazy podcast we did.

[Ian Bagg]

Five hours ago, so.

[Christina P]

But we.

[Ian Bagg]

Yes. 20 years.

[Christina P]

20 years. And we went to South Africa with you for a comedy festival. And that was a million years ago.

[Tom Segura]

That's 2012.

[Ian Bagg]

That was.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Right after apartheid, we went.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was still very fresh.

[Ian Bagg]

It was still very fresh. There were fountains, Remember? Down to the beach. There was that fountain. Do you guys remember that?

[Tom Segura]

And the apartheid museum.

[Christina P]

Oh, the museum.

[Tom Segura]

And then we all were bummed out, and then everyone was like, look how sad they are. Isn't that hilarious? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

David Cow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. David Cow. Oh, yeah. He was like, we took the whites to the apartheid museum today.

[Ian Bagg]

Left them there. Yeah, He's. He was. He was South Africa's number two comedian.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And he was. He was. He's such a nice guy. But that got to him.

[Tom Segura]

It got. It was.

[Ian Bagg]

He's just like.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right.

[Christina P]

Being number two.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was just like, who? Number one was the export. Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Trevor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. And he's just like, that guy is taking everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But David had blacks only.

[Ian Bagg]

Blacks with one white on it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Who's the white?

[Ian Bagg]

He'd switch whites up.

[Tom Segura]

He'd switch away.

[Christina P]

I would love to be the one white. Well, because I remember he gave us T shirts for blacks only.

[Tom Segura]

That was awesome.

[Christina P]

And then we had.

[Tom Segura]

I rocked him, and then people were like, what's going on?

[Ian Bagg]

It's a gym in South Africa.

[Tom Segura]

Blacks only. You are black.

[Ian Bagg]

And what. What else would we say? We're down. Pleasure.

[Tom Segura]

Pleasure was creepy.

[Ian Bagg]

Pleasure.

[Tom Segura]

Pleasure was so creepy. It was their way of saying, you're welcome or don't worry about it. So you go, oh, thanks for bringing that pleasure.

[Ian Bagg]

Smiling with.

[Tom Segura]

At.

[Ian Bagg]

With her dead eyes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Pleasure. Remember that hotel? That.

[Tom Segura]

How weird it was with the Jourg one or the.

[Ian Bagg]

The Jobberg one?

[Tom Segura]

Good hotel, though.

[Ian Bagg]

It was like a casino.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It was like a villa.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then they were like, don't go outside.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You'll definitely get robbed or die. You're like, all right.

[Ian Bagg]

I went another time with Bobby Lee.

[Tom Segura]

He got robbed and he got robbed.

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. And I was in a store, and he comes running in and I just got robbed. And I go, was the guy black? And he goes, it's fucking South Africa. Of course he was black.

[Tom Segura]

How'd he get. Was he, like, tackled or something?

[Ian Bagg]

No, I think he just got pushed around. I don't know. You never know with Bobby, how the story starts.

[Christina P]

Was he out in the mall or.

[Ian Bagg]

He was out looking for cigarettes.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina P]

There you go, dummy.

[Ian Bagg]

Where they told you not to go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go there. He goes. I'll go there.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. And remember Zayn? Remember Zayn?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And he was all like, I tell you. Remember, he'd yell us. I tell you not to go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

He was Indian. South African.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, yes.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, yeah. So when my. My. On the other trip, my wife came over, and it was in Cape Town, right? That when we went to Johannesburg and what was the other place?

[Christina P]

Durban.

[Ian Bagg]

Durban, yeah. Where a million blacks go to the ocean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

On New Year's Day.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Ian Bagg]

They touch it and come.

[Tom Segura]

You referenced that during. You referenced it during a show, and it. Because you were like. He's like, I know. You want them to keep going in the ocean, never come back.

[Ian Bagg]

They do.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that was hilarious.

[Ian Bagg]

It was so much fun.

[Tom Segura]

Their racial system there or what they came out of.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So people don't know is not just white and black. Right. All the shades matter.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

White, black, and colored.

[Christina P]

Colored.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, mix. There's a huge Indian population in South Africa.

[Ian Bagg]

Huge.

[Tom Segura]

They're considered colored. And what he would take pride in, he was like. He's like, yeah. You know, the whites. You can tell whatever. You know, you can say whatever you want to us. He's like, but we can say whatever we want to the blacks. Watch this. He's like, I'm right in the middle.

[Ian Bagg]

He was so funny that. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then. And then at the end of the tour, you're like, oh, he's got a bunch of guns under that thing, trying to protect us. I had no idea.

[Christina P]

I didn't know.

[Ian Bagg]

I did.

[Christina P]

But he would also yell stuff out the window.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. While driving.

[Christina P]

While driving.

[Ian Bagg]

And he was too big for the car.

[Christina P]

Remember Africa?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

I didn't.

[Christina P]

You know why it was so special?

[Tom Segura]

It's the old joke.

[Christina P]

That's the old joke, guys.

[Tom Segura]

That's the old joke.

[Christina P]

We always tell him to pull his jeans up. Pull your jeans up.

[Tom Segura]

That was the joke.

[Ian Bagg]

Is that where jeans came from?

[Christina P]

Yeah. That was a starting we were making.

[Tom Segura]

But we were just like, hey, why don't you get bigger jeans? And we would all ride them. And then the second that, he's like, it's an old joke. Keep making the old joke.

[Christina P]

Come on, guys.

[Ian Bagg]

And then his partner. Do you remember his partner?

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

His partner was serious. He would only show up in a. In, like, a Mercedes, check things.

[Christina P]

Oh. With security. I didn't realize how dangerous it was. And also, it was the first trip that was fancy for us as comics. I was like. Like, oh, my God. Like, this hotel's really nice. And, like, the food was good.

[Ian Bagg]

Remember? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Also, we got clowned by other people because we enjoyed the first beach. Was it the Durban?

[Christina P]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

So we were like, oh, we were at the beach. It's beautiful. And people were like, in Durban? And we were like. I mean, it was the ocean.

[Ian Bagg]

We're down there. We're.

[Tom Segura]

You don't want to go there. I was like, we Were there. We loved it. Yeah. And they're like, no, no, don't go there.

[Ian Bagg]

Disgust.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Totally.

[Christina P]

Trash. Look how beautiful.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I thought it was great.

[Ian Bagg]

Pleasure.

[Christina P]

Pleasure. And then monkeys would steal sugar from your table and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

It was really fun.

[Ian Bagg]

Good times. And then the other comics were interesting.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting.

[Ian Bagg]

Was there like six of us or five of us? Yeah, no, there was six of us. Right.

[Christina P]

Okay. It's finesse, Mitchell.

[Tom Segura]

Finesse. Was there.

[Christina P]

Mitch Fatal Meow, Meow and Meow 6. Was there another girl?

[Ian Bagg]

Was there we go.

[Christina P]

Orlando Jones. Orlando came later. And Ryan Hayner.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Because he was Orlando wasn't rolling with us. Our show, though.

[Ian Bagg]

He came in Johannesburg.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Fit. Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

Joburg.

[Christina P]

Joburg. That's what I call it.

[Tom Segura]

You, me, Ian and David. David was literally like, if you're doing like a show here and then you're like. And to bring us home. Chris Rock, everybody. Yeah, it was like, it was crazy.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, it was crazy. And I did the other one with Trevor Noah. So I see.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Both of those.

[Ian Bagg]

Like there was a billboard of him selling Range Rovers in front of the hotel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So that would inform me.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm just like a comic selling Range Rovers. What the hell is going on in this country? Yeah, so.

[Christina P]

But I do. What I've always loved about stand up and the dudes do really well is hierarchy. You guys know what the pecking order is. And as a woman, you just go, oh, okay, this is my place. That's your place. Great. Thank you. And you just all roll. There's no. Usually no ego about that pecking order.

[Ian Bagg]

We, we pretty much had fun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was a lot of fun, dude.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, I, I, I still finesse, you know, I still consider. I see him all the time.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Ian Bagg]

Consider him kind of like a, you know, that's my buddy. We went to, we went to South Africa together. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So for sure. And, and Hayner I haven't seen since.

[Christina P]

Well, I email with him every few years. He and the wife moved. He's in upstate New York.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, upstate New York, I believe.

[Christina P]

I think occasionally comedy, but no. Yeah, just music. I'm not sure. I think he, he did. He's not touring anymore. I know that he and the wife are like, having a nice, calm life. Retired.

[Ian Bagg]

Well, son made a lot of money.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right.

[Ian Bagg]

His son was some 21.

[Christina P]

Avenged fold.

[Ian Bagg]

Avenged. 17.

[Christina P]

17. Yeah. Six million nine folds.

[Tom Segura]

Lot of. That's a cool. Yeah, that's a cool gig.

[Christina P]

So cool.

[Ian Bagg]

And I, I think Brian may have played some music on a Couple of those.

[Christina P]

Nice.

[Ian Bagg]

So he would have got some.

[Tom Segura]

He was super talented, but also so nice. Such a good.

[Ian Bagg]

Remember, we'd sit around and he'd play the piano. Afterwards, we sit in the hotel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And people would say, oh, you've got to go to bed now.

[Tom Segura]

Pleasure. Take yourselves upstairs.

[Christina P]

This is before we had kids, Gene.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Three years before we have our first kid.

[Ian Bagg]

When life is free, you guys sleep in. Do you remember when you guys ran that room in Culver City? Bert took me there one time when.

[Christina P]

I ran it with. With my friend.

[Ian Bagg]

I thought it was you two.

[Christina P]

No, he never did it. Probably Eric Lundy and me. Yes. I think you closed out a few of those.

[Ian Bagg]

Those I did. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But not in Culver, right?

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

Wasn't it in Culver?

[Christina P]

No, it was in Hollywood somewhere. And I had you headline and you roll in kind of grumpy.

[Ian Bagg]

That's me.

[Christina P]

And I'd be like, I don't know what's up with Ian Bag? I didn't know you at the time.

[Ian Bagg]

Autism.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I was like, is he. Is this guy gonna be angry? Like, is he gonna. And then immediately you got on stage, you're like, hey, everybody, how's it going? You just were full. Ian Bagg.

[Ian Bagg]

I, I.

[Christina P]

It was amazing.

[Ian Bagg]

I'll explain it.

[Christina P]

Yeah, please.

[Ian Bagg]

I just kind of shut down so I can have it for there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I see that.

[Ian Bagg]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

So I'm not. We have another friend that can be on the whole time.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

But I can't. I. It's, it's, it's in. Concentrate. It's me. And concentrate on stage.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

So I have to totally get it. Have that time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's not grumpy, you know, but when you show, when you showed up at places. Yeah, you would. A lot of times you showed up. Like, I've done a bunch of shows with you where you're like, kind of, you know, right inside to yourself.

[Ian Bagg]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And then, boom, you come on stage.

[Ian Bagg]

Just kind of quiet.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Taking it all in. Sometimes I'll go sit by myself. Like, I, I never go into the green room in most of these comedy clubs. I'm just sitting with the staff because the staff is busy, so they're not really bugging me.

[Tom Segura]

I'm alive like you.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I kind of hate a busy green room, really.

[Ian Bagg]

Afterwards, it's fine.

[Christina P]

After I lost it.

[Tom Segura]

That's totally true. Afterwards. Yeah. Let it rip. But I don't like a pre show happening. I'm. One time, I got. I got booked for this gig. It was in Houston. And I remember that it was right when I was, like, starting to sell tickets. I was on my, like, second tour, and I don't know how this happened, but the promoter was like, instead of, like, just going with the agent a lot, he was contacting me directly, and I was like, okay, you know, blah, blah, blah. Well, we're coming to pick you up. And they pick me up, they take me to the venue, and when I walk in, we go, you know, to the right here. You walk in, and there was like. This was straight. There was like, 12, 13 people. And I go, hey, man, you had.

[Ian Bagg]

To do a meet and greet before.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I was like, who. Who are all these people? And he goes, oh, they're like, friends.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, why are they in here?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, do you not want them here? I go, of course not. Like, this is supposed to be, like, my room to chill in, right?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Pre show.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay. I mean, I can get. And I was like, this is nuts. So he was turning it into, like, come hang.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

In this room.

[Ian Bagg]

I was like, he's making it another venue.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was like, ah, bro, charge his.

[Ian Bagg]

Friends to come hang.

[Tom Segura]

We cannot do this.

[Christina P]

No, no, no.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And even on mine now, like, when I. I'm like, real low key. I don't like it to be busy.

[Ian Bagg]

My buddy played in the NHL, and he's a goalie, and he wanders into the dressing room one day, and the owner of the team's got all his buddies down in the dressing room, and they're in his equipment. No. Yeah. And he's just like, I kind of skidded in the ditch for quite a while after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People just don't get it. They just that they're like, yeah, yeah, I get that. We're toys. Yeah, Right. We're toys. But we still need to stay in the box for a little bit until you play with us.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Right. So. And I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm really not trying to be a dick.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

And it's before, to be fair, it's before I had ever really spoken with you. I just. I'd only seen you on stage, and my friend Eric and I were like.

[Tom Segura]

We have to get Ian back.

[Christina P]

Like, we were total fan girls. And so you showed up, and we were like, he's an. Oh, we don't want to scare you. We don't want you.

[Tom Segura]

I will stand by this in the conversations, if you're talking, like, in the last however, many 20 years. If you go, who do you not want to follow? You would be always in my top. Like, you don't want any part.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, I. I don't know if we still got to swear on this podcast.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

Or as Liquid Death brought you guys to say friggin.

[Tom Segura]

All the friggin stuff. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You know how I know?

[Tom Segura]

How?

[Ian Bagg]

Because I said, hey, Tom, I'm struggling a bit. Can I open for you? And you're like, nope, no. And I'm like, tom doesn't like following me. What a douche.

[Christina P]

I would never want to follow you. But you guys, you're incredibly funny.

[Ian Bagg]

You guys are very sweet, but at the same time, you're famous. They are never going to turn on you.

[Tom Segura]

No, they're not going to turn. I'm not talking about, like, in that. I'm just talking about when you're talking about somebody's comedy chops, like, just forget like the turning or famous tell more. I just mean that, like, you. There's some people who of course, just have fantastic. A capacity.

[Ian Bagg]

Right. To kill.

[Tom Segura]

That's you.

[Ian Bagg]

I love Rush. Take that in, people.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

I have fun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm sure.

[Ian Bagg]

I just. I. It's weird how much fun I have there compared to a lot of life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Christina P]

Because you have so much fun up there and it's fun to watch you because you have zero f. Like you. Not like you. I don't fucking care. But it's more of like, you're so playful and you're so not set. Like a serious guy up there who has to be the smartest guy in the room.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you also have.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, no, that's not my show.

[Tom Segura]

But you also have like a. You have this stream of consciousness thing where you're either when you're up there and you're like going, you're riffing and you're using the room and you're using the information. It's. It'll be like, funny, funny, funny. And then if you do something and it doesn't work, your way of dealing with it is funnier than if it had worked. So, like, it becomes funny. Like you, you really are a savant up there.

[Ian Bagg]

We had on. On the podcast the other day, we had Chris Candy, who is John Candy, son.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay. So. And he talked about how when he was acting or in a sketch, he wasn't afraid to look like a dork. Right. But in real life, he was terrified of looking like a dork.

[Tom Segura]

John.

[Ian Bagg]

Right. Yeah, Right. I kind of have that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Like, it's free. There but in real life, you're just like, do I have nose hair? What's going on? You know, I mean, like. Yeah. Where it's like, I hope I have nose hair when I'm on stage. Right. Anything shaved. I was in Chicago not too long ago, and my wife always says, you know, if you do anything, you know, if you do any beautifying, get it done professionally. Not me. I shaved off half an eyebrow.

[Tom Segura]

I did that. I did that two weeks ago.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

So he knows. So I went on stage, like. But mine are massive, so it's very noticeable. I, like, I shaved off my eyebrow. I was on. You know, and rest of the time I was in Chicago. It's terrified people were looking at it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And while I was on stage, I was terrified they weren't looking at it.

[Tom Segura]

Right, right, right.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Was Chris. Were you guys promoting the new doc?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is it out or is it coming?

[Ian Bagg]

It's coming out in October.

[Tom Segura]

I got him.

[Ian Bagg]

You want him? I'll give you.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, we've. We've. He and I have exchanged messages before, but I would love, like a. If to be connected. Connected?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. He's his. It's. It's such an interesting, you know, like, they did it because everybody else was starting to do it, so they wanted to be ahead of everybody else doing it because they've been saying no for so many years. Right.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No to one about him.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's crazy.

[Ian Bagg]

Right now. Now people are just doing their own documentaries on him. I like. I guess we should do one so she can talk about her dad.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That's amazing. I would love to. I would love that.

[Ian Bagg]

Well, thank you.

[Tom Segura]

You're not from here, so maybe you'll relate to this.

[Ian Bagg]

Wow. You've gone Texas, Lebanese heritage yourself. Oh, mate, don't say that because that irritates me and I punch blokes in.

[Christina P]

The mouth for saying that.

[Ian Bagg]

Don't you dare say that. My family have been in this country for 140 years.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Ian Bagg]

So you. And if you say anything like that. I have on many occasions punched blokes in the mouth. Right. So I'm restraining myself today. Don't say it.

[Christina P]

I'm not listening to you.

[Tom Segura]

You're out.

[Ian Bagg]

His family's been in the country for 140 years. He's been there for 112. I love when old guys want to fight.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Ian Bagg]

It's so good.

[Tom Segura]

It's so great.

[Christina P]

And the accent from Australians.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, here it comes. Worst cameraman ever.

[Tom Segura]

Racist.

[Christina P]

A racist.

[Ian Bagg]

You cannot say what you just said without being identified as a racist.

[Tom Segura]

Some gentlemen, ladies. This man is a racist.

[Ian Bagg]

Why is he yelling at a flight attendant?

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina P]

Stupid lamb.

[Ian Bagg]

I like the way he wants to fight the guy from 1940. And then I'm gonna go right back to the boat.

[Christina P]

He said he's a Lebanese.

[Ian Bagg]

Lebanese Lebo. Yeah, that's Australia. Australia.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Get fact the.

[Christina P]

Is he. Yeah, he's right. 140 years. You're. You're Australian at that point, my man.

[Ian Bagg]

You'Re part of the country at some point.

[Tom Segura]

You're from bc?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, British Columbia.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I was using shorthand.

[Ian Bagg]

I thought you meant before Christ.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you're from. You're very.

[Ian Bagg]

Like. How old am I?

[Tom Segura]

You are also very old. But you look good for somebody that's a couple of thousand years old. That's true.

[Ian Bagg]

I wake up weird.

[Tom Segura]

I'm wondering, do you feel connected still to like people like other notable people from B.C. or. No, connected, you know, I mean, like, do you have a kinship with like when someone. Like if there's a nodal celebrity that's from bc?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. The only one. Is that that guy? No. Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's Van City. Right.

[Ian Bagg]

He's Van City.

[Tom Segura]

You're from.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm from the middle of nowhere. There's a guy, Taylor Lochner or something like that. Yeah, yeah, he's from Colonial Twilight.

[Christina P]

Taylor Lautner.

[Ian Bagg]

No, no, no, not the right guy.

[Christina P]

Tom Green's a Canadian, but he's from.

[Ian Bagg]

He's from. He's from the others coast. Okay, but there's a guy. There's a guy that was in like a football movie or something.

[Tom Segura]

Is it Will Blunderfeld?

[Ian Bagg]

Nope. Who's Will Blunt?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is Will Blenderfield here.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, I should have worked last.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, hold on, let me get him for you. In this episode of what does the.

[Ian Bagg]

Wild Naked Man Drink?

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna fill this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful orin, which is medicinal. Orin. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Especially after some.

[Christina P]

I never caught that.

[Tom Segura]

Or pumping some iron.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, it's got quite the faucet on them. Biofeedback.

[Tom Segura]

And it's a form of self love.

[Ian Bagg]

When I drink my own piss, I.

[Tom Segura]

Get this enhanced benefit of self approval and self acceptance.

[Ian Bagg]

Right. And really that's all Guy didn't get the finger bang in high school. Now here he is, the only love.

[Tom Segura]

So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years.

[Christina P]

It's a lot of piss.

[Ian Bagg]

Now everything that's bad, push pause.

[Tom Segura]

So BC's own.

[Ian Bagg]

Go ahead, My. Brethren, he was filling. He had already peed in that and then was putting water in it. That's what that faucet was. It wasn't his dick noise.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Don't you dare. You calling Will Blunderfield?

[Ian Bagg]

Yes, I'm calling. I'm calling. He had a little bit of pee and a lot of water in there.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Watch it again. Listen to it. There's just no way. I don't know anybody that can get that kind of stream into. Into a little jar and not be wearing it.

[Tom Segura]

You're. Wow. You're accusing him of fraud?

[Ian Bagg]

I am. Right now, right here on the people's Court.

[Tom Segura]

He said, you get so many benefits from doing this. I'm wondering, drinking your orange breath. Your breath. Your breath smells great.

[Ian Bagg]

Your breath sounds like. It smells like a back.

[Tom Segura]

Like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal.

[Ian Bagg]

Cells right into your body is made to. Made to seem good. And everything that's good for us, like drinking your piss, is made to seem bad.

[Tom Segura]

We live in an inverted clown world.

[Ian Bagg]

So try it for yourself and be your own.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's just like one of the things he also, he teaches like seminars.

[Ian Bagg]

Drinking your pee.

[Tom Segura]

No, sometimes it's about pee drinking. You know, like sometimes he does.

[Ian Bagg]

What's up, yogi?

[Tom Segura]

So me and Brian Crew just taught a really juicy anus workshop today and.

[Ian Bagg]

Got a little bit into the prostate too.

[Tom Segura]

There he goes again.

[Ian Bagg]

That caused some pre. Come to be secreted from my manhood.

[Tom Segura]

So a little bit of sperm.

[Ian Bagg]

Tiptoe.

[Tom Segura]

A little bit of testosterone, a little.

[Ian Bagg]

Bit of spermidine, which is good for muscle growth.

[Tom Segura]

A little bit of nerve growth factor.

[Ian Bagg]

Which is really good for your brain.

[Tom Segura]

And your nervous system. What else came out? A little bit of vitamins, minerals, oxytocin and bonding hormone, which lowers cortisol and weight.

[Ian Bagg]

Not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful.

[Tom Segura]

Own the Shivambu, I should call it, but I'm also getting the benefit of skin looks.

[Ian Bagg]

Semen. Tiny bit of semen that's been mixed. Mixed in with my urine.

[Christina P]

Oh, I just got the chills.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, and into the beard. That's very, very.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a little pissed.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, it's like drinking stamps.

[Christina P]

Here's the thing. I just. Now I'm going on Ian's theory that he's faking this because look how still his face is when he's peeing and just casually talking to you. Are you able to casually talk into a camera and piss at the same time?

[Ian Bagg]

No. And. And it's Just that noise. There's. There wasn't even a. You know, like, anything like that. It was just, like, instantly turned off. Almost like, what do you got the best prostate in the world, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Come on. I bet it's pretty healthy.

[Ian Bagg]

I bet you it's bad.

[Tom Segura]

He works at. He does these other workshops.

[Ian Bagg]

Well, hello, guys.

[Christina P]

So in my.

[Tom Segura]

In my live workshops, we do a beautiful exercise. And this is actually inspired by a guy.

[Christina P]

Oh, man.

[Ian Bagg]

Basically, he.

[Tom Segura]

He does these workshops called Penis Wellness, you know?

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

I love Will so much.

[Ian Bagg]

On crying.

[Christina P]

I love it. It's beautiful. Anne, what's wrong with you? This is what we do in Texas. This one's a little hard for me to watch. It's just a little personal.

[Ian Bagg]

Now. His mom comes in.

[Christina P]

Well, I didn't realize the plane going by, too. I wish you would have timed that.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, man. What if he's just got the camera upside down and he's doing that from standing position? And he's the most amazing man ever, just hitting his face with a big wad of jizz.

[Tom Segura]

I'm doubtless. I'm fearless. I love having a little mantra, you know? I'm fearless. I'm doubtless.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm gonna start saying that after. When I want to jack off, not when I'm having sex. Can you imagine saying that after you have sex? My wife would slap me in the face. Enjoying the taste of it. Really Shameless. I'm fearless. I'm doubtless.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's cool.

[Christina P]

It's a good tattoo. I'm shameless and fearless.

[Tom Segura]

All right. That was a lot.

[Ian Bagg]

Needs a fart afterwards.

[Tom Segura]

Let's also.

[Christina P]

Can I just say we've watched a lot of cool guys over the years. 20 some. 20 years now of cool guys. I'm never creeped out by Will Blunderfeld. I believe this is really spiritual.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's been right here. He sat in studio.

[Christina P]

He sat naked in that very.

[Tom Segura]

No way.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. I feel like my process and prosthesis doing better since sitting in the chair.

[Tom Segura]

And I went and did exercises with him.

[Ian Bagg]

You didn't. You didn't hug him, did you?

[Tom Segura]

I did hug him.

[Ian Bagg]

Naked.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You're an impressive fellow. You were just.

[Tom Segura]

Was I.

[Ian Bagg]

That was. That was. That was. That was enough. I've ever seen.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't feel, but I did, like, reluctantly get pretty hard, and I was kind of pissed.

[Ian Bagg]

Reluctantly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay. Were you trying to look bigger?

[Tom Segura]

I was trying to, yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

If I don't go. If I don't go in Hard. I'm gonna look like I got a little penis.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I was like. I was trying to fluff and then it just stood up, you know?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, ah, well, here you go.

[Ian Bagg]

It's all the weirdos that have massive.

[Tom Segura]

Do I know.

[Christina P]

Oh, wow. I didn't make that correlation.

[Ian Bagg]

Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna put it out there.

[Tom Segura]

Put it out there.

[Ian Bagg]

Have you ever had, like, you're looking at. You're looking at red tube, right? Or whatever, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. And. And they'll be. There'll be a. There'll be a. You know. I don't know. I don't know. They keep changing trans. They keep changing their name, so I just can't keep up. I'm always saying the wrong thing and offending me. But they're hung like mules.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And I'm just like, well, why?

[Tom Segura]

Why? Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Why would God put that on them if they didn't want to be that way?

[Tom Segura]

The people that want to switch.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What? You got this piece of equipment. That's crazy.

[Ian Bagg]

I can give you mine. It'll look more like a clitoris. I love that. We just left that on there.

[Tom Segura]

I know. Here, I'll give you something.

[Ian Bagg]

So how did you guys get them to come in?

[Tom Segura]

We just. We were playing his stuff, like the clips we were showing you. And then we just had.

[Ian Bagg]

You'd have to get a work visa.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even know.

[Ian Bagg]

That's so interesting.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. But he came down and across border. He was a great interview. It was really amazing.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Like. Like a lot of. Any knowledge. Like any.

[Tom Segura]

Lots of knowledge.

[Christina P]

Lots of stuff.

[Tom Segura]

You know that. Well, do you know that the samurais to suck each other's nipples before battle?

[Ian Bagg]

Well, they're probably on some sort of drug. That's what you're like. You get all fired up and suck each other's nipples and go to war.

[Tom Segura]

Did you know that it gay to not eat your friend's ass?

[Ian Bagg]

I did not.

[Tom Segura]

That stuff we learned research.

[Ian Bagg]

I am so gay.

[Christina P]

He's. He's right. All these ancient warrior cultures all. Did you have you even cupped your friend's balls?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like the Celtic warriors would do that. They would just hold each other's nuts.

[Ian Bagg]

Well, trying to get over a fence, probably.

[Tom Segura]

I'll help you out.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Making sure nobody gets a little bit of barbed wire in her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

That's not gay. That's helpful.

[Tom Segura]

That's helpful. Yeah, Totally helpful.

[Ian Bagg]

He told you all this?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And where did he learn it all?

[Tom Segura]

Some Other guy?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, some other dude in the forest as he was sucking his nipples.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Ian Bagg]

Hey, man, we're just going to war.

[Tom Segura]

This here's a good palette.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm sure he's a sweet guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's a sweet guy.

[Christina P]

Yes, he is.

[Ian Bagg]

Old jizz face.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Ian Bagg]

My God.

[Christina P]

That's your trip to Saudi, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

This is what they're gonna do to you.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Shut up. I like when they're like, stop fucking crying. Okay, okay, okay. I'm gonna. I'm gonna help you here with this next one, okay? You good? Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

What prison is this from?

[Tom Segura]

Can you imagine paying for this? You're like, my neck's kind of.

[Christina P]

Oh, there's no world in which that is beneficial.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, kidneys.

[Tom Segura]

He's got his punching. His punching glove is on his right. He's like, I'll wrap it up.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm not being racist in any way, but if I was a white guy and I walked in a room to get something like that done and that guy was wearing that hat, I'd go, no, I know what. I know what our people have done to you. You. So I'm. I'm gonna turn around and go out and probably just find somebody else for.

[Tom Segura]

My massage who looks more like me.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta. You gotta be smart at times, right?

[Tom Segura]

What's with the hat, buddy?

[Ian Bagg]

Hey, buddy. So you got no brim. You got half a hat on. Can't trust you. You're definitely not trying to keep the sun out of your face.

[Tom Segura]

Go down the street, buy a hat, real hat.

[Ian Bagg]

Then you can punch me in the neck.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Such a good.

[Ian Bagg]

How hard do you think he's trying not to get him to roll over and just punch him in the throat?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he wants too. This guy's in so much pain and that.

[Ian Bagg]

How about the guy in the blue? It's just his face is just like you. I've been waiting for this.

[Tom Segura]

Waiting.

[Christina P]

Infidel.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Enjoy our land.

[Tom Segura]

There's no therapy where I've ever made that sound, you know, not even in the chiropractor.

[Ian Bagg]

Just crying afterwards. Oh, just. Yeah, you go right there to hospital right after that. Just straight to hospital. Well, I was. My neck was sore, but now it's broken.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that is kind of what it feels like. Yeah, he's like, your neck's bothering you. Have you ever had.

[Ian Bagg]

Let me finish it off.

[Tom Segura]

Completely crushed.

[Ian Bagg]

Here's what we got to do, son. We got to get your neck off.

[Tom Segura]

Your head, and then it won't hurt at all.

[Ian Bagg]

You're gonna be fine. You're not gonna feel a thing after that.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[Christina P]

Let's try. He might just be severing all the nerves.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So you're not feeling a.

[Ian Bagg]

Doesn't look like he's severing them well, though, because the guy's in a lot of pain.

[Tom Segura]

He's in a lot of pain.

[Ian Bagg]

I am feeling it all.

[Christina P]

I like when they do old women, these chiropractors.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And they up old ladies.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

And they're like, yeah, just kill them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's like, I fixed her.

[Ian Bagg]

Fixed her.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. These.

[Ian Bagg]

Living too much life.

[Tom Segura]

These next ones or within a game?

[Ian Bagg]

You guys have never let me down with your videos.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, good. This is our game. I show you a clip.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

You tell me, is it genuinely horrible, like, not funny, or is it hilarious?

[Ian Bagg]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Ian Bagg]

Do you have an llc?

[Christina P]

Oh, not the tooth.

[Tom Segura]

Tooth can out.

[Christina P]

I hate that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He lost his tooth.

[Ian Bagg]

Funny, funny, funny.

[Tom Segura]

It's funny.

[Ian Bagg]

Funny. And by the way, they should just put the advertisement right after.

[Christina P]

True story.

[Tom Segura]

This is a fun one.

[Christina P]

Marketing.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I have to tell you, a lot of times they're really sad. This was a good one.

[Christina P]

It was funny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Plus, I. If you've lost a tooth. Right. It's the worst feeling when you're like, now I have to get this dealt with.

[Tom Segura]

Do you lose a hockey tooth?

[Ian Bagg]

I've never. I've just got chips, but I. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

You do a pod with Robert.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is he a big hockey guy?

[Ian Bagg]

He likes hockey, but he's not a big hockey guy.

[Tom Segura]

Robert.

[Ian Bagg]

Robert's the American monsters.

[Tom Segura]

I know, I know.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. He's football. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But you guys became friends.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. I seen him on. I seen him on Righteous Gemstones.

[Tom Segura]

Huh?

[Ian Bagg]

And I was just like, who is this guy? Like, I didn't know about it before. I'm just like, he was funny, and I was. He was weirdly talented, and he was nothing like what he looked like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And I just sent him a message, and I said, I think you're hilarious. I think you're so talent. He said, are you trying to. Me?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm like, kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Strong.

[Ian Bagg]

Want to come over and rub on each other?

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't live here in Texas.

[Ian Bagg]

He's. His wife is from here. He lives in Boise, Idaho.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he lives in Boise.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's a white haven.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. That's what he looks like. He fits in there.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Ian Bagg]

Perfectly. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I like him. I'm a big fan. All right, here's another one. Oh, my gosh.

[Christina P]

Oh. Oh.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, you made it.

[Tom Segura]

Made it. Looks like a lot of blood, bro. Man, that's a lot of blood from your head too.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. He's gonna have to go to that chiropractor.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Ian Bagg]

But that's funny, right?

[Tom Segura]

That was very well, for a second, you're like, he's definitely dead.

[Ian Bagg]

Still funny.

[Tom Segura]

It's still kind of funny because he's such a douche. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, how funny Far back did he fall then? Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And so there must be. Cuz it looks like he's falling 100ft, right?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he must have.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Bagg]

It's so weird that you think share was in the middle of nowhere.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think these two. This is like the day they got a camera phone. Like, they just. They're like, you can make video.

[Christina P]

This is in Afghanistan somewhere.

[Tom Segura]

You can.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, they just. They just got it off an American soldier after a battle. I. I think. Yeah, I think.

[Tom Segura]

I think he's.

[Ian Bagg]

I think he's got that massive stick too. Like, that's the biggest stick I've ever seen in my life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's no way they have a bunch of those.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. I'm sure he's in trouble now.

[Tom Segura]

This is the town stick. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Ravi, what did you do with the stick?

[Tom Segura]

Where is this thing?

[Christina P]

I know. And it's like a wooden stick.

[Tom Segura]

We just practice our dance routine. We want to put up. And now you lose stick.

[Ian Bagg]

He's doing an advertisement for a mountain climbing. Hey, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

You know, there's this thing every year. There's these like touristy type places all over the world that are high rise, you know, like cliffs and of this nature where like every year they're like, you don't go over there to take like selfies. And everyone's like.

[Ian Bagg]

Like the Grand Canyon.

[Tom Segura]

You mean? And they just fall over.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, I can. I can believe it. I. And I do. Do you care? Like, well, like.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

Like, there's always somebody that goes just out. They're like, no, not for me. I'm very. Why?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I have a feeling. I have a feeling. There's no signs.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, I was gonna say here's here. No, no, no. Not at all.

[Tom Segura]

No one's telling you not to sit.

[Ian Bagg]

I want to know what's in front of them.

[Tom Segura]

Edge of the cliff.

[Ian Bagg]

Wouldn't it be great if they just. You turn this way and it's their house. Yeah, they like live up there. Yeah.

[Christina P]

With goats.

[Ian Bagg]

And his mom's face is just in shock because they lost his.

[Tom Segura]

Her favorite stick.

[Ian Bagg]

Her chair. Her rocking chair.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lot. Dude. This could be, like. He might have a lot of blood coming out of him.

[Ian Bagg]

You know, he could have more brain damage than the first guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Do you think this is on, like, Afghanistan's Funniest Home Videos? Like, do they have that show yet? And if not, wouldn't this be great?

[Ian Bagg]

This. This would be one of the first ones. Yeah, that would be fantastic. Do you guys watch that guy that's in Iraq that calls everybody transgender? You guys watch, and he just walks around Iraq and says the funniest thing.

[Tom Segura]

He's an Iraqi guy.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, he's an Iraqi guy. And he just. Hey, I. I follow him on Instagram. He's hilarious. But he calls everybody wacky transgender bender. Fender.

[Tom Segura]

You know, kind of things right up to people.

[Ian Bagg]

Like, no, just, like, on to the. Into the camera. Hey, wacky transgender benders, listen up. Here's what I found a dog today, and this is what I taught him. Yeah, it's. He's. He's got, like, a million followers.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, it's a Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Gone.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Because their culture hasn't done all this nonsense.

[Ian Bagg]

No, they haven't gone.

[Christina P]

This is the beginning of this nonsense, is what I'm saying. Like, they're not killing you guys.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. They're not trying to figure out what's.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's still. There's still a lot of places in the world where if you were gonna. To, like, Iraq, probably, where if you're like, oh, pronouns, they would be like, huh? What?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, they wouldn't.

[Tom Segura]

They wouldn't even know what you're talking about.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, they don't.

[Tom Segura]

It's not. At least not like the. Like, most of the population.

[Ian Bagg]

No, it also. It also isn't really that important to them when they look in their backyard and their whole. Everything's gone. Yeah, right. Of course. Well, what am I gonna call you?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

But at the same time, do what you want to do.

[Tom Segura]

Places like. Of course, but places like that also, like, you know, modesty, you realize, is a luxury of, like, I'm gonna cover up.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, whatever I. In the street, man. Like, yeah, I'm not really thinking about.

[Ian Bagg]

Probably. I haven't been to my neighborhood in the street.

[Christina P]

Public defecation.

[Ian Bagg]

Have you ever made eye contact with somebody pooping?

[Christina P]

Not even him. He won't let me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You'Ve been trying for so many years.

[Christina P]

So many years.

[Ian Bagg]

Running in and sneaking.

[Christina P]

He won't even talk to me through the door. Wait, have you made eye contact?

[Ian Bagg]

When I. Animals pooping no, with a person. When I moved to New York, this. I was just walking down the street, la la la. And this guy was. Was into a tree and we locked eyes while he was pooping. I just like my world was different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Did he say anything?

[Ian Bagg]

No, I just kind of. He's pooping.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And regular. So regular.

[Tom Segura]

So regular.

[Ian Bagg]

You think those people would be bunged.

[Tom Segura]

Up and they're not.

[Ian Bagg]

No, he didn't put. He didn't push at all.

[Christina P]

You know, you do remember when you.

[Tom Segura]

See people in public or jacking off?

[Christina P]

Yeah, those are.

[Ian Bagg]

This is him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Fantastic. Do you know this guy?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I'd love to see this. Let's see one. Okay.

[Ian Bagg]

The ocean of Antarctica.

[Christina P]

And this stone you can see is like different.

[Ian Bagg]

And also look here.

[Christina P]

For the first time in my life.

[Ian Bagg]

I gonna drinking from the ocean of Antarctic Antarctica.

[Christina P]

And I gonna drink the water that looks fresh as clean is very salt.

[Tom Segura]

Like urination and sweat. But.

[Ian Bagg]

First time in my life I drink him. And also 1999, the volcanic erection started here. That mountain used to be volcano.

[Tom Segura]

Now he is. Look at his comment here. It says my main account is suspended.

[Ian Bagg]

Probably from his ear.

[Christina P]

And he freezing, freezing, freezing.

[Ian Bagg]

Come to the ocean. The ocean cold water hot or lava is finish him.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, what's the next one?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, a small baby doggy. Where is your mother?

[Christina P]

Oh my gosh.

[Ian Bagg]

He keeps sucking my toes. I think he's LGQHD TV candidate. But I don't mind. Now you wash your plate because every.

[Tom Segura]

Day I clean for you.

[Ian Bagg]

Now. Today you clean your salad. Today I take my baby doggy to get Rabbi's vaccination. Is the air conditioner touch you good? I don't understand why baby doggy have to get Rabbi's vaccination.

[Tom Segura]

So what if he's racist? He's not racist. He's just a baby. This is. We've had enough. Here's another one for you. This is a fun one. Okay. Okay, here we go.

[Ian Bagg]

Here we go.

[Tom Segura]

Boom.

[Christina P]

Boom. This is good.

[Ian Bagg]

Have to get the.

[Christina P]

Yes, that's good.

[Tom Segura]

That's a good one.

[Ian Bagg]

Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh.

[Tom Segura]

This was teeth. This. I know. This was. This was on the news. They were. What is it?

[Christina P]

They're two influencers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Do you think that's why they hate him?

[Christina P]

I hope so.

[Tom Segura]

This was in Houston. They were what? They were having salmon sliders and SUV crashed through the window. They went to the hospital, minor injuries. The driver told police they thought it was in park. Just rolled into the restaurant.

[Ian Bagg]

That's not rolling.

[Tom Segura]

That didn't seem like that was.

[Ian Bagg]

That was rolling. Rolling. That was that song.

[Tom Segura]

High Impact.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All right, one more.

[Ian Bagg]

By the way, do you think it was in Texas and it was in Houston, and they look like an interracial couple. Do you think it might.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, somebody was trying to send a message. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Let people know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

No eating together. Jeans were pre, pre ripped. Pre ripped, though, for the.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is great. He's like loading an AC unit up a ladder. Holy. Holy.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

Hey, hey, Superman's here.

[Ian Bagg]

That's hilarious. Little late, buddy.

[Christina P]

Oh, man, that looks. That's bad.

[Ian Bagg]

That's impressive.

[Christina P]

But here's a question.

[Tom Segura]

It was bad planning, though.

[Christina P]

How do you bring a heavy AC unit?

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you one thing you do.

[Ian Bagg]

You go on top and you lift.

[Tom Segura]

It with a rope. I'll tell you something. You have a second person. You don't do it all by yourself.

[Ian Bagg]

That's.

[Christina P]

You need a helper.

[Tom Segura]

You should. He should have had.

[Ian Bagg]

Don't have your wife hold the ladder.

[Christina P]

Or like a crane. You know, like when they fix the traffic lights. The guy that's in the thing.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, like a cherry bucket. Yes, yes, yes.

[Christina P]

Maybe that would have been.

[Ian Bagg]

I think, I think it would have been using ropes and going to the.

[Christina P]

Top and pulling it like in Amsterdam. Yeah, they, they heavy stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Another person would help another person.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody to catch it as it's falling.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. God.

[Tom Segura]

Well, these were pretty funny today, guys. Good job with a batch. They were pretty good.

[Ian Bagg]

There was a lot of.

[Tom Segura]

There was.

[Ian Bagg]

Do you guys always do a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Of co. Not always.

[Ian Bagg]

You guys just surprise people.

[Christina P]

Some days are like horny guy days. Some days are dick days. Some days are horny chick days.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There was a horny chick that opened the show today. Really?

[Christina P]

Hello, my name is Sandra.

[Ian Bagg]

Give me a father.

[Tom Segura]

I've only been with one man in my life. What? We're divorced.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh.

[Christina P]

I'm looking for men, man.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm going to tell you right now. Christina, your lipstick is selling good.

[Christina P]

Thank you. How did you know? This is my smokes.

[Tom Segura]

This is the model.

[Ian Bagg]

Is it really? Yes, it's fantastic.

[Christina P]

I, I, this is my new liquid lipstick line. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Doing a great job.

[Christina P]

I like to be viral. It is subtle viral.

[Tom Segura]

Next one is for me. It's just one the of the shirts I'm selling, bro.

[Ian Bagg]

Do I seem like a homo to you?

[Tom Segura]

I have that shirt.

[Ian Bagg]

That is a great shirt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

What does it say on the back?

[Tom Segura]

Ask me.

[Ian Bagg]

Not a Homo boyfriend. Man, shut the up. Shut the up. Yeah, I'm a queer. No, I'd rather your dead grandmother than with another dude. That's not even saying I'm into dead grandmothers either because I most certainly am not. Oh my God.

[Christina P]

That was awesome.

[Tom Segura]

I had a nice family though.

[Ian Bagg]

This family photo in the back, it's grand.

[Tom Segura]

I never, never pictured that. That's pretty cool. No, he's.

[Ian Bagg]

That's just how much I. I mean, I don't see how you gays do it.

[Christina P]

Look at his earrings.

[Ian Bagg]

Put your genitals in another dude's butthole. It's gross.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you something else that's gross.

[Ian Bagg]

But your mom ain't safe around me, bro. Neither is your grandma. I don't give a damn.

[Christina P]

Dude. He's hard as.

[Ian Bagg]

Who needs sex. You know why? Because he likes cookies. That's why. That's why he likes grandmas and moms just fine.

[Tom Segura]

Ladies.

[Christina P]

That's a weird one.

[Ian Bagg]

Is that like in a live chat? Is that what's going on?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Ian Bagg]

Or is that a video to somebody specific?

[Tom Segura]

I always feel like I don't. Well, he just said you guys are saying. You know, I think he. This was actually a meant for public consumption.

[Ian Bagg]

It's always interesting when those people go viral for. With hate.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You know, I think that might be one of those.

[Tom Segura]

That's the.

[Christina P]

That is. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This at least I think is made. He's like you guys that are saying this sometimes it's one of my favorite lanes is when they make a video that is for one person but they go, I'll just publicly upload this. You know what I mean?

[Ian Bagg]

By mistake. Right? They think they're sending it like think so Sending it in a DM like this.

[Christina P]

We can't.

[Tom Segura]

You can't tell.

[Ian Bagg]

But like Jennifer, I hope you get this video. Oh no.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

On a 200 hour lithium batteries, you're only gonna get eight hours no matter what. I got 5,000 BTU. I probably run the same kind of watage.

[Christina P]

So.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then this is like three minutes long. But it's all for Jennifer.

[Ian Bagg]

It's all, it's all awesome. Have you ever seen somebody upload? There was a guy from my hometown that uploaded him just standing there with his.

[Christina P]

No, really.

[Tom Segura]

And posted it on Facebook. No, but definitely didn't mean to.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, I remember I was, I was, I was at Dr. Grins in.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Grand Rapids.

[Christina P]

Grand Rapids.

[Ian Bagg]

And I just. Again, that's a long time ago. And I was just kind of scrolling Through Facebook. And I just like, oh, that was a mistake for sure. That shouldn't be your profile.

[Christina P]

Celebrities. Wasn't there famous celebrity that did a bunch of stories?

[Tom Segura]

There's a bunch that have done that. That the best is that like a month or two ago, Conor McGregor posted his dick.

[Ian Bagg]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And hung a weight from it. And like. And that was a DM that he had sent. The following week, he announced his presidency. His run for president of Ireland.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then just like three days ago, he's like, I guess I'm not going to run for president anymore.

[Christina P]

A.

[Ian Bagg]

His timeline's fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

It's amazing.

[Ian Bagg]

It should have been. It should have been Dick. I'm not gonna run for president. I am gonna run.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Ian Bagg]

But he had it all backwards. He could have been president right now, but he had too much weight on his and he just fell apart.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty. Pretty impressive.

[Ian Bagg]

He needs to go to your boy with the beard.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That would have been awesome.

[Ian Bagg]

I need. I need a little bit of jizz in my pee. Get myself going in the morning.

[Tom Segura]

Will you try that? Will you try urine therapy? Would you be open to it? No.

[Ian Bagg]

Have you?

[Tom Segura]

No, But I'm not from bc.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, that's true.

[Christina P]

It is a regional.

[Ian Bagg]

It's regional. That's hysterical. I'm from British Columbia, therefore we're pee drinkers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's what we do.

[Christina P]

Can I ask a stupid question? How was he getting a little bit of jizz in the pee? Right. Because don't those valves. One shuts down so that the other one can.

[Ian Bagg]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe he was like, you know, diddling before so you have a little more in the urethra, like, you know what I mean? You were twigged to kind of. And then you had a little. Little got in the pathway and then you shut it down. Then you had to pee. Now they're mixed together.

[Ian Bagg]

I love the fact that you're. You are confused by it and you have an answer to it.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Ian Bagg]

That's what's great about it, is like, how do you. Well, let me tell you how it happens to me. When I did a little bit before I pee, I can tell there's a little bit of something on top of the hell.

[Tom Segura]

I get my prostate going.

[Christina P]

Do you see the little bit of sperm? Spermidino. Spermicides.

[Tom Segura]

Well, but I mean, that's what he calls it.

[Christina P]

Spermidine.

[Tom Segura]

If you get all, like, worked up.

[Ian Bagg]

Huh.

[Tom Segura]

And then you don't go all the way.

[Ian Bagg]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Some of that's going to seep into your pee. Path.

[Ian Bagg]

Thanks. Ding.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Tantra.

[Tom Segura]

It's true. It's gonna seep in there.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. I'm gonna be honest with you.

[Tom Segura]

These guys.

[Ian Bagg]

These guys, I just. Yeah. I just get there and then I walk away and I. You must be horrible at a four way stop because you're supposed to go.

[Tom Segura]

I think a lot of women need this reminder because they're so full of themselves about how they are the ones that bring life into the world. And then sometimes you need like a doctor or somebody to tell you the truth, which is goddamn can't make a baby.

[Ian Bagg]

Somebody got a bust a nut in her right bus. Talk with Gerald.

[Christina P]

This is my only regret. I never lived in New York City.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

My only regret in life.

[Ian Bagg]

That and the talent on the trains. Yeah, Right. Yeah. The talents on the trains is impressive.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes the dancing, the singing.

[Christina P]

Just the public.

[Ian Bagg]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not asking for your money.

[Tom Segura]

Y' all on your way to work?

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You want to see some?

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

I am a magician.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

I have two minutes until the next stop. I'm gonna need a number from you. I'm gonna need a number from you. And I'm gonna guess which card it is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Now hit play on that boombox real quick. Check this out. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Sir, what's worse? Public magic. Hold on.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Or public acoustic guitar singing.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, can I add one to that?

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Ian Bagg]

Plastic. No plastic drums.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

With real drums.

[Christina P]

So loud.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And you see somebody who's a wizard on that, though.

[Ian Bagg]

But yeah, I know.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, what the.

[Ian Bagg]

What do they do with their drums? I don't know.

[Christina P]

But that's the thing though is it's kind of a useless talent to really. To really get good on the plastic bin.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You're not going to play in a band with the plastic.

[Ian Bagg]

There's no. There's no bass drum on that. You don't know how to double kick.

[Christina P]

Of course. Cymbal.

[Tom Segura]

There's nothing on that right now. There's someone listening who's so upset. Like, I could show Ian how to double.

[Ian Bagg]

Eel can suck my dick.

[Christina P]

I'll tell you how you do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You take a bigger barrel. You take a bigger barrel.

[Christina P]

I think the public. Plastic drumming. I forgot how.

[Tom Segura]

That's your least favorite of those three.

[Christina P]

I actually like my. I like magic.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. See, I would shut down magic first.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, but you can watch it and not get involved.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Yeah.

[Christina P]

We have no joy.

[Ian Bagg]

Guitar playing is not that loud.

[Christina P]

But the singing with it in the acoustics and the song.

[Ian Bagg]

See, I was Thinking about that for the drumming. It is.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's so loud.

[Ian Bagg]

It is.

[Tom Segura]

I always have it.

[Christina P]

I like the loud.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I'm. I'm always like. Like, we're talking about on stage and off. So I'm extraordinarily polite off stage, like, just to, you know, I mean, in general. And I remember. I still remember I was in Columbus, Ohio. I had done this show. Doug Benson was standing there with me, and we were talking, and this guy comes up and he goes, would you like to see some magic? And I was like, I do this. And then he looks at Doug. He goes, not really, dude. And it always sucked me because the guy was like, really? He was like, nah, I'm good.

[Ian Bagg]

How about the guy that smokes so much weed doesn't want to see magic?

[Tom Segura]

It was great, though.

[Ian Bagg]

They always want to see magic.

[Christina P]

That's what magic's for.

[Tom Segura]

Shut it down. The guy was like, so, like, defeated. He was like, all right. He just turned around, walked away.

[Ian Bagg]

You were like.

[Tom Segura]

I was like that. I just couldn't say it.

[Ian Bagg]

You're like, I've never been able to do that.

[Tom Segura]

I've never been able to shut that down.

[Ian Bagg]

Doug, how did you do that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

And then Doug's like, what happened?

[Tom Segura]

Actually, I think what he said was, I'm good. That's what I think he said. And that. Which is even better.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm good, I'm good.

[Christina P]

So funny.

[Ian Bagg]

Seen enough magic today?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Take care of yourself.

[Christina P]

Taken with it.

[Tom Segura]

So funny, though, like.

[Ian Bagg]

All right, all right.

[Tom Segura]

You want to show them what you've collected?

[Christina P]

Yes. These are my tick tock curations. As always, I like to highlight the marginalized people, the marginalized communities, and give.

[Tom Segura]

Them a voice spin on the truth.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let them have the truth. Before we do that, pull up Ian Baggs website, please, ianbag.com so that we can. All right, so things that are coming up. Atlanta, Raleigh, Houston, Phoenix, Tempe Brea, East Providence, Rhode Island. Boston, Massive Huge Tits. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Seattle, Meat Rattle and Spokane. These are great, great cities and venues.

[Ian Bagg]

Doing. Not too bad.

[Tom Segura]

You're doing the Neptune.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A bunch of great clubs.

[Ian Bagg]

It's kind of exciting. It's fun.

[Tom Segura]

It's awesome, man.

[Ian Bagg]

It all started with you guys, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Ian Bagg]

When you had me come to your show during the pandemic. Yeah, that's. That's when. That's when this all started.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ian Bagg]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. So thanks, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Get tickets. He is seriously one of the best. Best in the world at doing stand up.

[Ian Bagg]

Go see I will not drink my own. Pete.

[Tom Segura]

You might be able to convince him. Here we go. All right. Unbox my dead cat with me. Holy.

[Ian Bagg]

Are you serious?

[Christina P]

Yeah. So you can have your.

[Tom Segura]

Your dead fully breaking down. That's great.

[Christina P]

I would die. I don't know if I could do it, actually.

[Ian Bagg]

That's not much more than what a cat usually does.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's kind of chills. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

So it's kind of. I think we should maybe do that to all cats.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Would you do this?

[Ian Bagg]

No, but. Yeah, but if you love cats.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You have a dog?

[Ian Bagg]

We have dogs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Dogs.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. We got.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to preserve them when they pass?

[Ian Bagg]

No, my wife has them. Takes them. Has them Incinerated. Yeah. And then she brings home the ashes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. And they.

[Tom Segura]

You know, you can do that.

[Ian Bagg]

I sit next to my mom.

[Tom Segura]

It's weird. You can do that on a big green egg. If you have one of those, flame them up.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God. That's really funny.

[Christina P]

And they're big, too. You can get the big.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Christina P]

Go fist yourself up.

[Ian Bagg]

You.

[Tom Segura]

Or I'll come over there and say what I can do with my fists. I'll have to take a rain check on that wad.

[Ian Bagg]

My dance card's full tonight. Oh, my goodness.

[Tom Segura]

Eddie, what is this from, man? You.

[Ian Bagg]

What is that? What's the name of that porno?

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Ian Bagg]

Lisping.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know lisping behind bars. That's all I know. Okay.

[Christina P]

Is that any.

[Tom Segura]

And he's not a big. From your feed. That's all.

[Christina P]

It's from my feed.

[Tom Segura]

What about. What's this one?

[Ian Bagg]

Any dog?

[Christina P]

I love when a man pulls my panties to the side and my balls just flop out.

[Ian Bagg]

I love that. Love that. That makes me laugh. That will never get old. Remember Fred from Howard Stern used to do the.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. So good.

[Ian Bagg]

Don't go changing.

[Tom Segura]

All right. Well, that's a good one.

[Christina P]

So, as somebody in the aviation field.

[Ian Bagg]

I just want to let y' all.

[Christina P]

Know your airport fit matters. It matters what you wear to this hair airport.

[Ian Bagg]

And let me tell you why. It's a couple reasons why, but let me just tell y' all something.

[Christina P]

You never. And I mean never know who you gonna come across.

[Ian Bagg]

I always said I might meet my husband here.

[Christina P]

You don't never know.

[Ian Bagg]

Ladies, put your best foot fit on.

[Christina P]

He's right.

[Ian Bagg]

Men. Put your best fit on.

[Christina P]

You don't know who you bound to.

[Ian Bagg]

Run across in the airport. And I'm not even just talking about.

[Christina P]

Like, romantically your next boss could be found.

[Ian Bagg]

Very flexible fingers.

[Christina P]

I know. Your next business partner like you just. Sky's the limit when it comes to the airport greatness. Nails, dress your best.

[Ian Bagg]

Coming and going.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta say, I'm a. I'm a big fan of what she's saying.

[Christina P]

Same here.

[Tom Segura]

Having seen the absolute bottom of the barrel on so many flights where you're like, what the Is going on? I. I don't.

[Ian Bagg]

I don't.

[Tom Segura]

I wouldn't go as far as to say we have to go back to the 50s where it was coat and tie to fly. But the amount of PJs, house slippers, a body wrap you'd wear at the pool, you're just like, what the. Is wrong.

[Christina P]

I've seen girls get on airplanes.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm going right to the airport from here.

[Christina P]

But that's at least a cool T shirt. I saw the Oasis show.

[Ian Bagg]

I did see the Oasis show.

[Christina P]

How great was it? I'm so bummed.

[Tom Segura]

Don't you think it's sometimes, though, a little too much in the extreme of absolute at the airport?

[Ian Bagg]

It's. Yeah. But at the same time, I'm more concerned when I see a girl get on with. With, like, leather pants or. I'm just like, are you. As soon as you get off the plane, like, what's going? Like. Like a gigantic. Like, stilettos. You're like, is there a strip club in Chicago's airport that I'm not aware of? Yeah, like, it's.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot.

[Ian Bagg]

But yeah. I also. Flying in winter when you have to wear giant coats is Also bothers me because some people will wear. I'm just like, they're expecting this plane to go down and we're gonna have to hike out of here.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's me.

[Ian Bagg]

Is that you?

[Christina P]

Oh, I used to fly with the North Face. Oh, fur thing.

[Ian Bagg]

That's the one I was thinking of. The giant.

[Tom Segura]

The giant.

[Christina P]

Zip it up and just sit in the middle seat.

[Tom Segura]

She also wears that when it's like 62.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's why I love Texas. Nice and warm.

[Ian Bagg]

I love Texas. I've never been so much warmer in my life. Anyways, who do you think this lady's mad at? Is she going to show the picture? Because she's just.

[Tom Segura]

This is a collection. This is a feeling where she has. She's feeling compelled to say this because it's been probably years of her being like, why is that person dressed in a garbage bag?

[Ian Bagg]

Well, she did bring out her necklace.

[Tom Segura]

While she told us that she showed us it was.

[Ian Bagg]

Jesus.

[Christina P]

It's her friend. I know it's. I think it's her and, like, her bff. I was trying to figure out who the photo was up.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, do you think she was taking down her best friend, putting her out? Samantha, just seen you. What are you wearing? In the airport, maybe. Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

My name is Summer. I'm a freak, and I like to. On the first date.

[Ian Bagg]

So if you think you can keep.

[Christina P]

Up with me, add me 1-238-12.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, she does not know how to use a phone.

[Christina P]

They.

[Tom Segura]

She is in the Idaho Correctional Program, and they do a lot of these. They do these video, but. Messages for pen pals.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You can put money in their commissary and stuff. But Summer's like. Like one of the hotter.

[Tom Segura]

Summer's hot. And she's also telling you I'm down. Yeah, she's not. Like, sometimes they're like, I want a friend. I like to get to meet somebody. I'd like to have, you know, conversations. She was just like, I'm down to what's up.

[Ian Bagg]

She's in prison. I put my. On the glass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

On the first time you come in, your mom and dad will see my bajini.

[Tom Segura]

It'd be fun if we could. If you can do a Google search real quick with her name to find out what her offense is.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God, that would be great. Okay. Can we guess?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we can definitely guess.

[Christina P]

I'm just gonna go simple. A couple of DUIs. DUIs. She. She stacked them. She was stalking. She had a bet.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm going for assault or battery. I actually think it's a violent altercation. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, no, no. Public indecency.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that counts because she's.

[Christina P]

She's a freak.

[Ian Bagg]

So do you go to jail for that, though?

[Christina P]

I don't know. Maybe. She maybe got drunk and. Too many dudes in public.

[Ian Bagg]

Gang bang. Public.

[Tom Segura]

She's. She's in the system, you know? This isn't jail. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, you're right. Sorry. So she's really.

[Tom Segura]

This is a correctional facility.

[Christina P]

Or she had a bad boyfriend who led her down the path. And he's good at this. Annie, what do you think this did?

[Ian Bagg]

Would that be prostitution?

[Christina P]

No. Maybe.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, this definitely fights. Yeah. Okay. I'm assuming there's some violence. Assault or battery. Possibly. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

I still think stocking. I think stalking isn't stalking with a weapon.

[Christina P]

Well, do we find anything?

[Ian Bagg]

Guys, be crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Be crazy. Okay. Controlled possession, grand theft by common law, larceny, embezzlement. Extortion and receiving stolen goods.

[Ian Bagg]

It's very. Idaho.

[Tom Segura]

Injury to child is also one of them. Oh, that's not good. Still hot. We're still. I'd still take you out. Yep.

[Christina P]

Control. In control of whatever. Drugs. Yeah, drugs.

[Ian Bagg]

In control of drugs. That. That sounds like she did drugs.

[Tom Segura]

Well, sentence.

[Ian Bagg]

She never got addicted.

[Tom Segura]

Sentence. Satisfaction date. She's locked up till 2030 for the child injury.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, somebody got hurt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's. She's getting through grand larceny next year. Controlled substance, 27. And then another few years for hurting a kid.

[Ian Bagg]

She should probably say I on the first date, but I'm not going to look like this.

[Tom Segura]

She's 28.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, but she's going to be in there until 2030.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Good eyebrows for prison.

[Christina P]

I mean.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, she's really put together. I'd love to know more about what this stupid kid did.

[Ian Bagg]

Is it. Is there a new story? Look for a new story under.

[Christina P]

She's 28. She's young, so she'll still be cute when she gets out. She'll be good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. But after prison.

[Christina P]

I know the food's bad.

[Tom Segura]

This. That's why we got to donate. Okay. Number one two, three, eight, one two. Write that down so we can send something in today.

[Ian Bagg]

We got to keep her hot.

[Tom Segura]

Initiate Aaron. Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Approach. So these are, like, fat nerds in the park.

[Tom Segura]

Jedi Apprentice. Congratulations. Neil. Neil.

[Christina P]

These are adults. No kids. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

By the right of council.

[Christina P]

Okay. By the will of the force, I.

[Tom Segura]

Name you Jedi Apprentice. Rise and speak your name.

[Christina P]

Marlow Stone chaser.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

At least he.

[Ian Bagg]

Special needs.

[Christina P]

I hope so. I hope he is the only one. All right. Like, I hope they're doing this for him.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

I just put that together. Like, yeah, maybe they're doing.

[Tom Segura]

I got to tell you something they're not. Definitely not happening.

[Ian Bagg]

By the way, if he's special needs, you think he's actually chasing storms?

[Christina P]

Nova Scotia. Who's that guy? Looks like that. Storm.

[Tom Segura]

There's a. There's a storm. Hey, guys.

[Ian Bagg]

That's right, guys.

[Christina P]

God bless the LGBTQIA.

[Ian Bagg]

Mountain.

[Christina P]

She's putting her hand on her heart, too. God bless. T, L, G, B, T, Q, I, A.

[Tom Segura]

You think there's a part of her that just hopes this song catches on?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Just like that. Doing that stuff. Indigenous people of color.

[Tom Segura]

Haven't you heard that one? Oh, that one's amazing.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this one's black and indigenous people of color. Latinos and Asians. Indigenous.

[Christina P]

She got everything.

[Tom Segura]

She lists almost the whole world.

[Ian Bagg]

Just go through all the colors.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she really does.

[Ian Bagg]

I like that. Her little.

[Tom Segura]

Shirt. That's rad.

[Ian Bagg]

Definitely a kill. Tony winner.

[Tom Segura]

Guess who's getting a ticket. Guess who's getting a comeback. Throw him a little joke book. You did it.

[Christina P]

You're feeling like you're not enough because your partner wants to open up the relationship.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, tight.

[Christina P]

I have a rude question for you. When has your partner ever required you to be enough? Your partner thinks you are essential to their thriving. That is why they want to partner with you in this massive transition. You have always been a source of magnificence in their lives because you're just being you. They love you unequivocally because you don't know me. Essential part of their wholeness. So why are you requiring yourself to be enough?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm always confused when Asians get really round glasses. Are you trying to make me look like you're surprised? Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

By the way, this brings up your guys's relationship.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Do you guys feel that you guys are asking too much?

[Tom Segura]

We're super open. Super. We've already had this conversation.

[Ian Bagg]

That's why we want to share it with each other's enough. You guys are doing good.

[Tom Segura]

Are you enough?

[Christina P]

I'm enough. I'm enough. I'm okay. You're okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

What about you and your wife? Are you guys like that?

[Ian Bagg]

No, I love it. Yeah. She's open.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's open.

[Christina P]

She's.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

How many partners do you or does she have right now?

[Ian Bagg]

She's got probably about 16. Every time you have that thing where.

[Tom Segura]

You get super excited when she's going on a date for the first time with someone.

[Ian Bagg]

I do. I'm just like, oh, girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm so excited for you, what position you're gonna do.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, no.

[Christina P]

And you want to hear the details?

[Ian Bagg]

I. I just, like. Come on. Did he get a handy, too?

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You think that's what she's saying? That everybody's open?

[Christina P]

Yeah. So her account. I've. I've been following her for a minute. It's these really detailed videos about being polyamorous and how to. Why you should do it, why it's good for you and good for. It's. It's a lot of intellectualizing a thing that seems really hard to do. Do you know what I mean? I just think on an intuitive level, she knows that, like, this should have feel good. So I have to, like, rationalize.

[Ian Bagg]

She's trying to put it all together.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Some guy. Usually it's some guy that's talked chicks into this.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And now she's telling you and she's.

[Ian Bagg]

It's a 20s thing.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Right. Maybe that's just having fun and games. I. I'm always confused when you see people, like, 50, 60, we're still swinging. I'm like, huh, Interesting.

[Christina P]

I agree.

[Ian Bagg]

We have a hard time picking what we're going to do to the kitchen.

[Christina P]

Like, how are these people so juiced up in their 50s and 60s.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. Especially as you get older. You're like, you can't. You can't. I talk about this on stage. You can't have sex the same day you eat. Right. Like, it's. It's Monday eat Friday sex. Or you're pushing farts out of each other. That's all you're doing for an hour. Yeah, an hour.

[Tom Segura]

You definitely don't want to go to dinner and then fuck.

[Ian Bagg]

No. But when you're in your 20s.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

You can have a big bowl of spaghetti and still, like, pound out two bitches.

[Tom Segura]

No problem. Yeah, no problem. Show those what's up?

[Ian Bagg]

Show those what's up. Surprise.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Peter.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, Peter, this is Joe from Cohog.

[Tom Segura]

I love it.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah. I'm a cop.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. He makes transfers look easy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, this is a real cop.

[Christina P]

Of course it's a real cop, babe.

[Tom Segura]

You got to change the battery in a smoke detector. That was kind of crazy.

[Ian Bagg]

Just right. Right off the top.

[Tom Segura]

First time I've seen that from a white guy. It's pretty cool.

[Christina P]

That's true.

[Ian Bagg]

So whose house do you think he's big.

[Christina P]

Chirp man vibe are you interested in? I'm very interested in showing us and.

[Tom Segura]

Like, just being nice. I'll just probably be like. Like, not verbally checking in, but just, like, looking at you a lot.

[Christina P]

Stepping back, community and just admiring you in rope. I think I'm interested in something a bit more comforting.

[Tom Segura]

I want to be, like, really close.

[Christina P]

And connected to you. I definitely want, like, really soft and tender moments. Great. What do you need for aftercare? I think I'd like a full meal and to do a debrief and a walkthrough just to talk through each part and to see how we both feel about it. What do you need for aftercare? I think I need all of those things. And then I would love to just.

[Tom Segura]

Check in maybe tomorrow or the day after.

[Christina P]

Even though it's been a day or two. I just want to make sure you're still feeling good. Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Anything else we need to cover?

[Christina P]

Nothing I can think of. Check out the next video if you.

[Tom Segura]

Want to see what we do.

[Ian Bagg]

Just for aftercare. Deal with your own shame by yourself. Just. Just go in the corner and think about aftercare. You know, sounds like it sounded like it was going to be fun before we did it, and then after they came out, then I was feeling uncomfortable, but that's aftercare.

[Tom Segura]

Is this, like, basically how you're supposed to talk to somebody?

[Christina P]

Tom, what do you need during?

[Tom Segura]

What are you looking for during?

[Ian Bagg]

You guys need to wear your headset headphones when you do it.

[Tom Segura]

Put these in.

[Ian Bagg]

You got to put your Chris Titus headphones.

[Christina P]

So much for, like, this ultimately is for. Right?

[Tom Segura]

I think. Well, they said rope, rope, so they're.

[Christina P]

Going to shabar Shab Shibu. That Shibaru rope tire.

[Ian Bagg]

You make your own shibu inu. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

You make your own piece.

[Ian Bagg]

What do you need for aftercare? I need a good burping. Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Ah, I love the kimchi. So they're. They're. Yeah, it's about rope and stuff, and I guess. I guess that's a fairly involved sexual.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What are you looking for when we're doing this? And then they were also like, I'd also. I'd like to check in in two days.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To make sure you don't hate me for what I'm gonna do to you. Is it cool?

[Ian Bagg]

I'm gonna tie you up, hang you. Do those people get, like, all boned up when they go near boats?

[Tom Segura]

Probably.

[Ian Bagg]

Probably, right?

[Tom Segura]

Probably.

[Christina P]

Yeah, That's a good point. Like two days from now, are we still.

[Tom Segura]

When you're gonna be, like, pretty up over these memories? Can I call you? Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Whenever I see those, they're always hanging upside down.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Can we see what the kids are in a vice? Yeah, squeeze. Like, tit almost comes off.

[Christina P]

Like a mammogram.

[Ian Bagg]

The guy that does the mammograms, that's his after, after work. Fun.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, your tits went from purple to black. Are we still good?

[Ian Bagg]

Just fine, Tom. Just fine.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for checking in.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. This is elaborate. Yeah, it's cutting off all kinds of circulation.

[Tom Segura]

That reminds me of a girl I knew in college, actually.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P]

Oh, okay. So this does require a lot of check in.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

This is. This is. Yeah, this is elaborate.

[Tom Segura]

And you got to make sure that, like, your. Your safe thing isn't get me down from here right now, because that's gonna be like. No, shut up.

[Christina P]

Do you. While you're Tied up.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think so.

[Ian Bagg]

I don't think they have sex.

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

I think. I think they get off on the being tied up.

[Tom Segura]

Tied up and no, see you later.

[Ian Bagg]

Because how do you get into that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot.

[Christina P]

And that's it. There's no.

[Tom Segura]

Well, maybe they.

[Ian Bagg]

I don't.

[Tom Segura]

You don't. During that.

[Christina P]

You. After. Maybe after she's got the purple.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, after. She's. After. She can't.

[Tom Segura]

She lays down and she's like, ah. Ow. And you go, I'm gonna. You now. Stupid dummy. Okay. This was the best.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you? There's. It's just. It's not cuties doing this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

These two pigs. It's never like hotties. Like, is there, like. There's, like, a hot mannequin. Not these two hairy legs.

[Tom Segura]

Go see tits.

[Christina P]

Beards and tits.

[Tom Segura]

Ian back.

[Ian Bagg]

Hey, man, do you like to be tied up? Oh, yeah, man.

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Ian Bagg]

A little bit tied up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they both were like this. Oh, boy.

[Ian Bagg]

It's gonna sound like a dribble. Is that the fart microphone?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You were here for the original fart. Mike, do you have to fart?

[Ian Bagg]

No, I don't, but if I did, I would take this studio down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'd nail it.

[Christina P]

I just want to watch you and communicate with you.

[Tom Segura]

What are you looking for? For after care? I'd like a full meal, and I'd also like you to call me and say hi.

[Ian Bagg]

Some sa. For all my rope burns.

[Tom Segura]

I'd also like some new rope. Okay.

[Ian Bagg]

Talk afterwards.

[Tom Segura]

Ian Bag is on tour. He is absolutely one of the best comedians.

[Christina P]

Go see Ian bag.

[Tom Segura]

Go to ianbag.com if you're in any of those cities. Check him out. Check out the Husky boys podcast with him and Robert Oberst. It's always good to see you, man.

[Christina P]

We miss you.

[Ian Bagg]

We're friends, right?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay. Just checking. Making sure. Because it's weird when you. When you first. And I'm so. And we're still supposed to be wrapping it up, but when you first start out, that's the best time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Because nobody's running around trying and doing everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Now you just. You barely ever see any friends.

[Tom Segura]

It's just so true.

[Ian Bagg]

Sucks.

[Tom Segura]

It sucks. It.

[Ian Bagg]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

We love you, man.

[Ian Bagg]

Okay, Just checking my shirt.

[Tom Segura]

You love us.

[Ian Bagg]

I. I have always been a big fan, and when you guys. I was so happy for your success, and I just. When you guys had kids and. Yeah, it just. I You guys make me giggle. I get stuff all the time and. Yeah, and then you do these things like get nominated for awards, and I'm just like, it is awesome. So congratulations. I don't know how you're friends with Bert anyways.

[Tom Segura]

He is so fat. All right, we will see you guys next week.

[Ian Bagg]

Bye.

[Tom Segura]

Bye.

[Christina P]

We've been looking into fart mice, which has been a long time coming.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of people need fart Mike.

[Christina P]

Fart Mike. Fart Mike. Toot toots. Yeah, yeah, I'm serious about the fart mics. Professional mics. Yeah, we've been looking into fart mics, which has been a long time coming.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of people need fart.

[Christina P]

My fart mic. Fart mic. Toot toots. Calm and in the profession. I have the fart mic. That was a perfect fart.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Christina P]

Yeah, we got the equipment. Fart mics. I feel like a lot of our list knows your about wanting one. Can I have the fart mic? Did it register? You're kidding. Fart mic.

[Tom Segura]

I'm sure they heard. It didn't.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's so upsetting.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You did all that work and then no one's here to tell.

[Christina P]

Well, these chairs, like you've said before, they're not conducive to farting Fart mic. You got to smells bad. My tears come to my eyes. That was.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't smell good.

[Christina P]

You really got to be proud of yourself. Yeah, but you caught that on. On fart Mike. You got to really lean over. You got to practically lay in your. In your hammock.

[Tom Segura]

Tr.