Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788"

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura engage listeners in their signature comedic style, blending humor, personal anecdotes, and light-hearted discussions. In Episode 788, released on December 4, 2024, the duo embarks on a playful yet candid exploration of the physical attractiveness of U.S. Presidents, amidst various other entertaining segments.

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1. Tour Announcements and Opening Banter

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura announcing his "Come Together" tour dates across several cities, including New Orleans, Pensacola, Richmond, Norfolk, and Louisville. He highlights ticket availability and encourages listeners to purchase live show tickets as ideal holiday gifts.

Notable Quote:

• Tom Segura [00:00]: "This Saturday, December 7th, I'll be in New Orleans at the Lakefront Arena. The next night, I'll be in Pensacola, Florida at the Bay Center."

Christina P. shares a humorous voicemail about hosting Thanksgiving using Instacart, showcasing her organizational skills and adding a personal touch to the episode.

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2. Discussions on Beauty Products and Holiday Gifts

Christina introduces her new lipstick line, "The Perfect Four," detailing the shades and their intended uses. She promotes the product with enthusiasm, suggesting it as an excellent gift option.

Notable Quote:

• Christina P. [01:47]: "Three new shades. Four total. The perfect four."

Tom supports the promotion by suggesting lippies as thoughtful gifts, adding his comedic twist on gifting ideas.

Notable Quote:

• Tom Segura [02:08]: "Well, December has started, which means the holidays are close. Fellas, does your lady have lips? Maybe a good idea for a gift is to get her the perfect four lipstick for it really is."

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3. Banter on Fitness and Gym Etiquette

The conversation shifts to fitness, with Christina revealing her newfound appreciation for weightlifting, influenced by a friend. She describes her experience at a male-dominated gym, highlighting the environment and the intensity of workouts.

Notable Quote:

• Christina P. [17:58]: "What you mean by, 'My brain likes it.' I like it. But you know what convinced me is that it was a hot chick that did the weight lifts."

Tom and Christina discuss the performative aspects of gym culture, including exaggerated grunting during lifts and the etiquette surrounding gym interactions.

Notable Quote:

• Tom Segura [19:03]: "Sometimes. I mean, it makes sense. When you're doing certain lifts, you exert, obviously a lot of energy. There's a lot going into heavy lifting. So in certain lifts, it makes sense. Like a grunt, a push. Some guys dial it way up."

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4. Commentary on Viral Videos and Odd Content

The hosts delve into their amusement with bizarre viral videos, such as "diarrhea tests" and individuals performing questionable stunts. They dissect the humor and absurdity of these clips, often exaggerating their reactions for comedic effect.

Notable Quote:

• Tom Segura [08:03]: "I've seen it in movies... European. I'm a cinephile. Anyway, there's. Yeah, it is the holidays."

Christina and Tom exchange witty remarks about the content, emphasizing the over-the-top nature of the videos and their impact on internet culture.

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5. Main Segment: Ranking America's Hottest Presidents

The highlight of the episode is the segment where Christina and Tom rate U.S. Presidents based on their physical attractiveness, using swimsuit photos as visual aids. They employ a humorous and subjective scale, often interjecting personal opinions and playful disagreements.

Notable Quotes:

• Christina P. [30:31]: "Oh, so this is great. We found pictures of presidents in their swimsuits, which I think, like, why not just go there? Yeah, let's go see it."

• Tom Segura [33:30]: "I think we each have our own scale. Okay, Keep going."

Throughout the discussion, they critique various presidents:

• Barack Obama receives a high rating for his fitness and charisma.

  • Christina P. [32:14]: "I was gonna give Obama almost a nine."

• Joe Biden is humorously ranked lower, with remarks on his physique and age.

  • Christina P. [35:26]: "Based on that photograph of him with his tits hanging and everything and his body sagging. It's not his fault. He's old."

• John F. Kennedy (JFK) is lauded as the gold standard for presidential attractiveness.

  • Christina P. [54:07]: "I think he's a presidential 10."

• The segment continues with evaluations of Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and others, blending humor with light-hearted critique.

Notable Interaction:

• Tom Segura [37:33]: "I don't think that's fair to say that. That's not even average."

• Christina P. [39:07]: "How he handled it, the sweat, the way that he handled it in court. I remember he was doing these weird things and the phrasing and that. He was backpedaling. It wasn't attractive."

The ranking game showcases their dynamic chemistry, with playful disagreements adding depth to the conversation.

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6. Listener Interaction and Final Banter

Following the presidential rankings, Christina and Tom address listener interactions, including emails and shout-outs. They discuss additional viral content and reflect on the episode's tone, acknowledging the heavy-handed humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Christina P. [62:05]: "Can I have my own level of attraction for whatever reason? It's subjective, Tom. This is a subjective sport we're playing."

• Tom Segura [65:08]: "I'll just say this, Danny, I'm glad you're okay. That looked like the dumbest thing I'd ever seen anyone do, but I'm glad you're okay."

In the closing moments, they engage in playful role-playing and humorous exchanges, maintaining the episode's light-hearted and comedic essence.

Notable Interaction:

• Christina P. [79:46]: "I'm just glad that I managed to upset you the way you upset me at the beginning of the show."

• Tom Segura [80:57]: "We love you. We always love you, buddy. Good to see you're up and doing your thing."

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Conclusion

Episode 788 of Your Mom's House offers a blend of stand-up tour updates, product promotions, personal fitness journeys, and their main attraction—the humorous ranking of America's Presidents based on attractiveness. Christina P. and Tom Segura deliver the content with their trademark wit and candidness, making for an engaging and entertaining listen. The episode balances light-hearted humor with personal anecdotes, providing both laughs and relatable content for their audience.

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Disclaimer: This summary captures the essence of the podcast episode based on the provided transcript. For the full experience and context, listening to the actual episode is recommended.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's up, guys? I'm bringing my Come Together tour to a few more cities to close out 2024. This Saturday, December 7th, I'll be in New Orleans at the Lakefront Arena. The next night, I'll be in Pensacola, Florida at the Bay Center. January 10th, I'll be in Richmond, Virginia at the Altria Theater. The early show is sold out. We still have tickets for The Late Show. January 11th, I'll be in Norfolk, Virginia at Scope arena and Louisville, Kentucky. The Friday show on January 17th is sold out. So we added Thursday the 16th tickets and all info [e-mail] tour well, welcome.

[Christina P.]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Tom Segura]

You have one new voicemail. Hi.

[Christina P.]

So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart and I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Tom Segura]

Bonjourno and welcome to your mom's house. The latest and greatest hard hitting news. We're going to cover it all today. We'll get you in on the Senate confirmations for the cabinet and yeah, there's just so, so much going on in the world. What's going on in Ukraine? Yeah, it's all here. We're going to resolve Israel, Palestine. It's all going to be talked about today. So don't you worry. It's all coming up. That being said, Christina P. You have, you have three new shades.

[Christina P.]

Three new shades. Four total. The perfect four. I've got my Berlin, which is a dark burgundy, a very deep, rich, moody color. I wore that yesterday around town. Madison. A mauve. You can wear that to drop the kids off or at the mall. It's going down. Atomic Red, which is an orange based red and it piggybacks off the perfect red, which is a blue base. Get them all now. Christina P. Dot com.

[Tom Segura]

Well, December has started, which means the holidays are close. Fellas, does your lady have lips? Maybe a good idea for a gift is to get her the perfect four get them all lipstick for it really is.

[Christina P.]

It's the best gift for any lady in your life. Or fella who likes to wear lipstick.

[Tom Segura]

Gender is just a construct.

[Christina P.]

That's right, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Mind also, you know, it's fun to do if your lady isn't into wearing lipstick, is you get lipstick and you write things on her body.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Like what, dummy?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Stupid fatty. This part. Error.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You write it across her chest when she's sleeping and she wakes up, she's like, what the fuck? I wrote that on you. Stupid.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So it's just a different idea.

[Christina P.]

That's so fun, Tom. Yeah, that is really cool.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen it in movies.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah? What kind of films?

[Tom Segura]

European. I'm a cinephile. Anyway, there's. Yeah, it is the holidays. If you want to come see me on tour, we announced a bunch of shows. We added shows in a couple of cities. We've added shows in D.C. we've added shows in Louisville, Kentucky. And there's more being added. So get some tickets. Comstigura.com tour it's a great holiday gift to give your loved one tickets to a show. Live show. I mean, people came to the. I was at the club last night at the Comedy Mothership here in Austin.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was hanging out with people, they go, yeah, that's never seen live. And I go, well, there's. They're like, yeah, there's nothing like a live show. Oh, they just watch specials and stuff, but. Which is fun. But there really is nothing like live live performances.

[Christina P.]

It's a totally different bowl game. And you're doing the uk. We're Belfast, Manchester, London, Glasgow, Nottingham, Cardiff.

[Tom Segura]

Cardiff. People have asked me and I wanted to actually respond to people like, why aren't you doing a more extensive European tour? And it really is just scheduling and life commitments that just don't allow. It's. I would love to, believe me, I. I love doing all the cities that I've done before, in Paris, Berlin and. And. And Copenhagen and. And so on and so forth. It's just. You have to have the time to do it. It's too much time. It's too much time. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You can't do it all.

[Tom Segura]

So that's why, if you're asking me, it's not that I don't want to go, it's just that I don't have the time. That's it.

[Christina P.]

You don't have the time. You're a very important guy.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's not, you know, it's just like. To do that, you have to commit like a month. You have to do it for like a month. So it's just too much.

[Christina P.]

Too much.

[Tom Segura]

But I love you.

[Christina P.]

I.

[Tom Segura]

And I would love to come back and do those cities and maybe I can do a second European run at a different time.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You're just one man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Last time it was too. It was too exhausting. It's too much.

[Christina P.]

You've been touring, you're on it forever. People are like, oh, when is Tom touring again? I'm like, he's always touring. Never not touring. You're always on the road. It's how it goes.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's our job though. That's the other thing that, like when people say that to me, I'm like, yeah, but that is. That is my job. My job is to do that touring. Like, yeah, that's how I make a living. Touring. This supplements it. I love doing this. But touring is the gig. It's the main gig.

[Christina P.]

It's the main.

[Tom Segura]

Gotta keep the main thing. The main thing?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Who said that?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Some guy. Some guy. I have some wonderful things to show you. Even some things I showed last week that you missed that I'm gonna bring back just to show you.

[Christina P.]

So happy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You mean I almost got away without seeing them and now I get to see them?

[Tom Segura]

Now you get to see them.

[Christina P.]

Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Here we go. Here's your opening click. And it's just for you. Here we go. Here you go. Blow me up, Tom.

[Christina P.]

I want to see your boobs.

[Tom Segura]

Send me.

[Christina P.]

Send me. I want to see your boobs.

[Tom Segura]

I want to see.

[Christina P.]

This is big time.

[Tom Segura]

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone. Mum into this.

[Christina P.]

Your mom in the stand. Welcome.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina.

[Christina P.]

Welcome to your mom's house. No, I don't like. Okay, terrible. I didn't like it. Can you show me? I want. I don't like it. I want to do over.

[Tom Segura]

What's funny is that, is that I don't think he knows how to kiss.

[Christina P.]

He goes, he goes, yeah, like two year old kisses.

[Tom Segura]

That means that's probably how he would kiss you.

[Christina P.]

Let me see again.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you want to see your boobs. Send me this. Kind of like it's an exaggerated version of a kiss. Yeah, like if you're showing a 18 month old, you go, yeah, that's how he's. I bet. I bet that's how he really does it.

[Christina P.]

You know, right now you've got a rugie in your bottom lip and it looks like he's got 10 rugies in his bottom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But he doesn't have Any rugies in there?

[Christina P.]

It's full of rugies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because he's just all the boobs that are in his imagination. Yeah. You don't like that?

[Christina P.]

No.

[Tom Segura]

All right. I guess I'm better.

[Christina P.]

I don't like it.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we'll change it up. We'll change it up. And have to learn how to activate the testicle in the dark.

[Christina P.]

Practice.

[Tom Segura]

It's very simple. Okay?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you go to the toilet, take out your clothes. First thing, tap your testicle. And after that.

[Christina P.]

Tap it.

[Tom Segura]

And now you hold the egg, hold the. The testicle and massage the testicle. Because testicle producing sperm.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

If you rub your hand warm and get the chi.

[Christina P.]

And hold the testicle and massage the.

[Tom Segura]

Testicle and hit the testicle, that will. Increasing the sperm count. I don't think that's true.

[Christina P.]

I don't know about hitting. I would say massaging maybe.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think it changes your sperm count.

[Christina P.]

Can you try it?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, sure, I can try it, but I'm also.

[Christina P.]

Massage your testes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'll do that.

[Christina P.]

Do it. Does it hurt?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. My sperm count just went up. No, that's made up. I love him, but I don't think that's true at all. I think at some point western medicine would be like, we got a little thing to tell you about sperm count. If you rub it and massage it and give it a tap, it's going to go up. I don't think that's true. See, I think he knows a lot about, like, sexual energy and like.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And extending your orgasms and prolonging ejaculation. I think he's. But to be like your sperm. Sperm count just went up. I don't think that's true.

[Christina P.]

You don't think that giving your nuts some extra love would make them want to produce harder? I think it's intuitive what he's saying. Very intuitive.

[Tom Segura]

You missed this. Yeah, I don't want it. Diarrhea test 471. Initiate. Oh. Oh. Hand check. A hand check is insane. O.

[Christina P.]

He did it.

[Tom Segura]

It appears to be mostly solid. Very interesting findings. More data to follow.

[Christina P.]

He thinks that's solid. He's got a real problem.

[Tom Segura]

Diarrhea test. You saw this one?

[Christina P.]

Love it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Initiate.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think you've seen that one.

[Christina P.]

Sorry. Yeah, I like it. And this is why it drops on the floor and. Oh, that's a good one.

[Tom Segura]

You say this one?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I like it. No, I like. I could watch it again. Push so hard. Let it go. That's Just a fart. I remember he's disappointed. Oh, I see it. Oh, he pees and farts. Yeah. With no diarrhea. Interesting.

[Tom Segura]

It appears to be just urine. Very interesting findings. More to follow. I mean, this. We're friends, dude. Do you think it's cool if I say with a hard R, dude, take a break from cotton picking and have some lemonade.

[Christina P.]

Why does he slow down the audio?

[Tom Segura]

I think it's just this one of his style. It's a character choice here.

[Christina P.]

And then is this to get laid, you think, with men, or what is this?

[Tom Segura]

I think this is just. I think he. My theory on this is that somebody like this wants to be known for this type of stuff, meaning comedy characters. And what they do is it's not fully engaging everyone, so they. They take shits on camera to people like, oh, that's the guy. And then they pepper in the stuff that they would like to get the same reaction. That's as the diarrhea.

[Christina P.]

An astute observation, Tom. Like, you're saying, like, he's a failed artist. Like, he wants to do this.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

He doesn't know how to do it, but he's like, I know how to do that diarrhea stuff.

[Tom Segura]

And everybody who does any type of performance knows that feeling.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, oh, I want to be known for this. But it's not getting the same reaction as this. Right. So he's doing a lot of. He does a lot of this slave owner thing on my way to get one of my slaves pregnant. I don't know.

[Christina P.]

I think he just got the costume and then maybe backward and reverse engineered it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I think the idea. Sometimes ideas come to you.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

You know, and you're like, that's gonna.

[Christina P.]

That's gonna hit.

[Tom Segura]

It's gonna hit.

[Christina P.]

You think this is the lane. He's like, this is.

[Tom Segura]

I think he probably thought like, oh, I'll dress up and I'll be like, I'm a slave owner. Yeah, I'll do that. And it'll be a. It'll really, you know, get huge reaction. And then if it doesn't, because I don't know what the reaction was to this. So it's. You know, it is what it is. But then he probably was like, I should probably just ship my underwear again.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I mean, what I found is that you don't want to overthink the bits.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And it's always the bits that you give a lot of time and attention and intellectual thought to that don't really hit with the audience. You're Much better off diarying in your underwear and making that into a video.

[Tom Segura]

You're saying it, babe. That the truth is, like you so many times in standup, you go, this is a good one.

[Christina P.]

Brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

This is, like, well constructed and it's thoughtful and it's layered. And I do this and I take them down here and I'm gonna say this, and then you do it and it gets like a. Huh? You're like, what?

[Christina P.]

No one cares.

[Tom Segura]

And then your throwaway thing that you're like, whatever. Gets like the applause break.

[Christina P.]

Viral.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's the one people remember.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Christina P.]

It's always how you can't control how the audience perceives you, Tom. All you can do is consistent output, as we've learned, and he for sure is doing that.

[Tom Segura]

These diarrhea tests are interesting.

[Christina P.]

I love them, and I'm curious to always know the outcome.

[Tom Segura]

I don't want this to be perceived as if I am turning my nose up at the diarrhea.

[Christina P.]

Never. No, no, I do. We have more of him.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, He's. He's done 472, so there's. Yeah, there's a bunch.

[Christina P.]

Let's see it.

[Tom Segura]

Well, we'll get to it.

[Christina P.]

But I don't understand why he wears the biker shorts, because that defeats the purpose.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you like the tighty whities on?

[Christina P.]

I want to see the diarrhea spill down. That's all.

[Tom Segura]

I do think you were really onto something by doing the cellophane wrap.

[Christina P.]

I would have loved to, because that reminds you of Sack Lunch, one of the greatest videos.

[Tom Segura]

You introduced me to Sack Lunch. I remember early on, I was like this interesting girl. Yeah. They filled up a see through pair of underwear diaper with diarrhea.

[Christina P.]

And it was a video that was like 05 was being sent around, and I was working in an office at the time, and I got Sack Lunch and it just changed my life. Two girls, one cup and sack lunch. Oh, and Mr. Hands, I would argue, are the three most pivotal videos that completely made me fall in love with the Internet and see people love.

[Tom Segura]

It's a really cool place.

[Christina P.]

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[Tom Segura]

I want to just point something out is that for a long time, a long time, almost the entire time I've known you, I have tried to encourage you in many different ways to lift weights. And you were always like, I'm not a fucking guy and I don't want to look like a guy.

[Christina P.]

Well, actually I said I don't want to look like a bulldyke is what I said.

[Tom Segura]

I was trying to help you out. So you resisted so much and I accepted it. And you would, you still would exercise, you would do different things, you know, you would do, I don't know, cardio stuff, Pilates, all this stuff. Then pretty recently, some broad that you're working out with convinces you I don't know how to give weightlifting a try and you come home and you have a, I mean an absolute groundbreaking report.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You go, guess what? I think I was wrong. And I like weightlifting.

[Christina P.]

Tom.

[Tom Segura]

What? You're like, yeah, took me 20 years to realize it.

[Christina P.]

I don't like it. I love it. You know why? Because it's. It harkens. You know, they have Romanian deadlift. There's something about this. You just lifting. Heavy thing. Lift it again, and then you lift it. It's very easy. And I like it. My. My brain likes it. But you know what convinced me is that it was a hot chick that did the weight lifts. A friend of mine who's very attractive.

[Tom Segura]

She was like, this is what I do.

[Christina P.]

This is what I do. And I was like, well, I want to look like you. And so I found on Instagram a lovely trainer. She's like a sweet, blonde southern lady. The sweetest, most wonderful. And now I go to a gym that she teaches in. Teaches in trains.

[Tom Segura]

Train.

[Christina P.]

And. And it is a dude's gym.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Christina P.]

It is heavy metal plan. It's guys missing limbs and lifting. It's tattoos. It's smelly dick and balls gym. Like a real dude gym. And I love it. But what I've noticed, a lot of sounds.

[Tom Segura]

Dudes make sounds.

[Christina P.]

I mean, it's a very dramatic. And you're like, I've given birth twice and I didn't make this much noise. You know what I mean? Like, you guys are kind of hamming it up.

[Tom Segura]

Some dudes in gyms. I've been going to gyms my entire life. Some dudes in gyms are performative. It's.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes. I mean, it makes sense. When you're doing certain lifts, you exert, obviously a lot of energy. There's a lot going into heavy lifting. So in certain lifts, it makes sense. Like a grunt, a push. Some guys dial it way up.

[Christina P.]

That's what I'm saying.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, yeah.

[Christina P.]

You're like, you don't need to.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P.]

And a lot of them wear earbuds as they're lifting so they don't hear the sounds they're making.

[Tom Segura]

Sure. Helps knock it out. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

It's so embarrassing because I'm like, could you dial it? Could you calm the down?

[Tom Segura]

It's. I know. It's. It's very. It's performative.

[Christina P.]

It's. Because. How come I can do heavy things and I don't have to go, well.

[Tom Segura]

You also just started. Maybe in a year you'll be like, you know what?

[Christina P.]

I gotta make the noise.

[Tom Segura]

Started pulling three. And I just. I grunt now.

[Christina P.]

And you know what I noticed, too? A lot of iPhones scrolling that. A lot of.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, though, the scrollers, they're not that serious.

[Christina P.]

That's what I feel.

[Tom Segura]

They're. They're dilettantes.

[Christina P.]

That's what I'm saying. I. Yeah, you got time to scroll, bro.

[Tom Segura]

And there's also the chatty Kathy's. The ones who do a set and then they go over and they just have full 12 minute conversations about things. And you're like, aren't you supposed to be focused here?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Doing something. I know, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like I. Some of these guys, you know, again, I'm new to the scene. I feel like maybe they do, you know, one. One rep or whatever, and then they're just sitting on the thing, scrolling, looking.

[Tom Segura]

I do think, what are you doing? I'm thrilled that you're doing. I really think there's nothing better. I. I've been going to my gym and it's the greatest. I love it.

[Christina P.]

I like you too. I really like it. I feel. Because I've done the pilates and stuff. This is just. It makes you feel stronger immediately.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You know, you just feel. You feel better.

[Tom Segura]

You have an open invite to my gym. I will not be coming to your gym, but you can come to mine.

[Christina P.]

I liked my gyms. My gym is too hardcore for you. Don't even.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

I got a sweatshirt and everything.

[Tom Segura]

All right now. I've been just absolutely killing it.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Every morning. What, get up and train? Yeah, it's the best. I feel so good. It was. It really was great. Leading up to production and then coming during production, it was a goddamn nightmare to do anything. I would only do it on off days. Of course, I was exhausted. But I'm happy that you're doing this. I think you're gonna really. And one day you might look like this. Look at this guy. This is blind. But this nowhere the gym is at.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, he looks great.

[Tom Segura]

Is in shape.

[Christina P.]

He's probably an old head too. Got his weight up.

[Tom Segura]

Don't know where the he at.

[Christina P.]

But he know where them weights is at. Yes, he does. All right, man, I ain't even mad at you. You probably don't even know you that brawley, bro. That's crazy. He probably don't even know he that brolly.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

If you're listening right now, there is a man crossing the street in Brooklyn who is blind and he's got the. What is it? The seeing eyes. What do they call it?

[Christina P.]

Stick. The blind guy stick.

[Tom Segura]

Sure, the blind guy stick. And he's, you know, he's trying to figure out how to cross the street here. He's clearly blind and he is in his 60s and he is beyond jacked. This dude is yoked up. He's in a tank. It looks like he's got a weightlifting belt on. And he is so jacked. He is so ripped. Dude.

[Christina P.]

The Adidas pants, I will say, too, because you guys have always joked and I've heard men joke about how, like, the upper body is jacked, but then the calves are, like, puny.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I've seen it and I see it on the pictures in my gym of, like, the champions, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

They're flexing and I'm like, yeah, but how come the bottom is so tiny?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a thing. It's like. Well, that's like so many. So many meatheads just care about, like, the top. Bench press and arms. That's all they do. And then they. Yes, that's that whole thing of, like, don't skip leg day.

[Christina P.]

Don't skip leg day, bro. Yeah, Now I know what that means. I never knew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. He looks good, though.

[Tom Segura]

I, like, see it a lot in the gay community.

[Christina P.]

What? They skip leg day.

[Tom Segura]

You see a lot of, like, jacked upper body.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Dudes and I think a lot of times, like, gay dudes, and they're like, just like, crazy guns. And then these, like, little, like, pelican legs.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Yeah. It looks great. I love. Look. I love the environment. I. I love it. Like I said, there's, like, people missing limbs and stuff. And they have prosthetics. It's so rad. It's so hard core.

[Tom Segura]

And a lot of people missing limbs a lot.

[Christina P.]

But there's. There's a few dudes in there who.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And they have prosthetics and they're still lifting and.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's incredible. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And I want, like, our sons to go there when they're teenagers and be like, you fucking think life is hard? Go fucking lift weights when you're missing a leg, bro. Do that.

[Tom Segura]

That's a real.

[Christina P.]

Love it. No, I don't want to go to no pussy lady gym. Because first I thought about it, like, maybe they should make a lady gym.

[Tom Segura]

They do make lady gyms. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

What? Well, like, the weights are pink and stuff and it smells nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's just like, all broads. Yeah, yeah. It's. It's a very big business.

[Christina P.]

I gotta talk to my. I gotta talk to my trainer about.

[Tom Segura]

You don't know about this. Yeah, of course.

[Christina P.]

How come? Nobody. I. What.

[Tom Segura]

There's even gyms that are, like, women only.

[Christina P.]

Oh, I know that. Yeah, but I mean, like, weightlifting proper.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, they have the equipment and then there's like the hoity toity.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's like the high end stuff, like, what's it called?

[Christina P.]

Soul cycling.

[Tom Segura]

I'm thinking of the one that's really nice. It's X ex equinox. Equinox.

[Christina P.]

Equinox, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is like usually like the high end.

[Christina P.]

You know, the lady. Here's the deal, man.

[Tom Segura]

It's still like a really nice gym.

[Christina P.]

But that's a whole other culture.

[Tom Segura]

It's a different culture.

[Christina P.]

I can't do it.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like you want to be with the real.

[Christina P.]

With the bros. Yeah. Do you live in Louvre? Like, I like saying that. I like. I like looking at them, I like listening to them. I like how there's an etiquette. They don't talk to each other. They certainly don't talk to the women that are there. I see that. I see the bros lifting and looking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But they're. They're not going to say a word.

[Tom Segura]

There's a trend online of women who. There's such dumb twats who they go to gyms and they set up cameras to record themselves. Like, I'm recording myself doing this.

[Christina P.]

So embarrassing.

[Tom Segura]

And then they post the video of like, look at these guys. Look. Checking out. And they can they complain about it. They're like, because. And they'll do it for a guy who's literally just going like, glancing.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, look at this guy checking. Like that's a normal thing to do. Like, people look around, they're. They're making it sound like someone's going like, no. Staring at them. Yeah. And they usually get ripped apart for it.

[Christina P.]

Actually, no, I was gonna. I mean, the men are so respectful, actually, at this gym. And it's lovely and it's nothing like that, but.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They're missing limbs. They know it can happen.

[Christina P.]

I know. Yeah, but I know you're talking about. And like the. In the Pilates community, like, there's tears to that, too. Like, if you want to go like rich mom Pilates, then you got to wear the right Lululemons. You got to wear the right thing and.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I like that you told me that yoga class you went to where there's just always one guy.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And we pass by there on Sundays. And I'm telling you, there's always one weirdo straggler in jean shorts or he always wears the wrong thing. It's not the same guy.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like a type 16 chicks yeah.

[Christina P.]

And one guy, one bro in the back of the class, just looking, just sniffing. Yeah, yeah. Such a. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I love. I feel so much better when I come here.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Well, I, I. So I haven't done the Pilates group sesh yet at this place I joined, but I'm curious to see if a dude will show up there because usually it's older men that'll do Pilates. Like, like men trying to heal injuries or something. But you don't see the straggler in the Pilates class. And Soul Cycle, apparently, is a whole other mom culture, too.

[Tom Segura]

The difference between. Yeah, that's a. That's a tough.

[Christina P.]

I hear, I hear people even rent the bike. Yeah, like, the front. They. I want my front bike. So I'll pay $8,000 a year just to have my front price. That's like in Manhattan or something, like in the, in the, In June.

[Tom Segura]

The thing about those moms, the difference between, like, Pilates and yoga, though, is, like, if you're in a Pilates and you're on the Reformer.

[Christina P.]

The Reformer.

[Tom Segura]

There's not really. It can be very difficult. Right. It can be very challenging. You can't really. But in yoga, you can be like, I can't really do this pose. And you can just kind of go like. And they're like, just breathe. Just take it easy. And you can just be the guy in the back. Wow, there's a lot of buttholes here, you know? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

Or I'm just going to do the child's pose. I'm just going to child's pose this one.

[Tom Segura]

Like, my ankle isn't ready for this.

[Christina P.]

I do love doing the, the yoga class. I like to see people's B holes and, you know, body parts.

[Tom Segura]

When we did, when we did that for. Remember we did a sober October challenge, and it was. I mean, I have to say, it totally changes your perspective and your respect for it. Yoga, it can also just be completely brutal. As far as a chat kicks your ass if you've never done it, especially if you're like an active person and you're just like, I've never done it. I cannot recommend trying that enough. Go into it hydrated and ready to feel things you've never felt before.

[Christina P.]

Hot yoga or core power yoga.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, any of them. I mean, try any of them.

[Christina P.]

Jesus Christ. Yeah. At this time of year, maybe you're looking back on all the amazing memories you have from 2024, especially if you're in love. Maybe you're already looking ahead to your plans in 2025. And maybe, just maybe, those plans involve getting engaged to the one you're in love with. For anyone about to take that momentous step, I recommend sourcing their engagement ring from Blue Nile.com Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. On Bluenile.com you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find anywhere else. Blue nile offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns, then guaranteed service and repairs for life. And don't worry, every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. Right now go to bluenile.com and use code your mom for $50 off your purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code your mom at blue nile.com blue nile.com so you're getting hungry.

[Tom Segura]

Really hungry. Head to Jack in a Box and.

[Christina P.]

Pick up a smashed jack. It's a juicy, delicious smashed burger topped with cheese, pickles, grilled onions, and boss sauce. And it's now available on Sourdough, the Smash Jack.

[Tom Segura]

Only a Jack in the box. Order one on the Jack app today. Speaking of working out in bodies, we last talked about some of the hottest and not so hottest first ladies.

[Christina P.]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

We didn't do presidents.

[Christina P.]

No, we gotta do something for the ladies listening too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So how about we look at some of the hottest presidents? U.S. presidents, maybe? Or are we gonna look at international presidents?

[Christina P.]

Oh, so this is great. We found pictures of presidents in their swimsuits, which I think, like, why not just go there? Yeah, let's go see it.

[Tom Segura]

Let's see what's up.

[Christina P.]

So there's Obama. You know, Obama I always felt was attractive but not handsome. Where I was like, oh, I want to bang Obama.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Christina P.]

Didn't have. He didn't have the chutzpah of a jfk, which, like, I want to bang Kennedy, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think a lot of that too is deliberate. I think, you know, being the president and, you know, he could probably throw his dick around if he wanted to. But there's a certain way you carry yourself.

[Christina P.]

Barack.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. But he is very well like, put together. That guy's always, always physically fit. And I think especially if you're talking about in that world of presidents. Oh, yeah, that's like he's an outlier. Like, he was always in really good shape. George W. As president, unbelievably good shape. This guy was running six minute miles, like all the time and for multiple miles, he was in really good physical condition. Let's. Let's see who.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. Let's do presidential scale of 1 to 10.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Looks for Obama. Let's rate him on. Only in the president's scale of 1 to 10. Like, who's our 10? Are we going to say JFK is the 10? Oh, but his body's better.

[Tom Segura]

He looks great. Oh, yeah. It's also generationally, if you look at the 60s and what they considered physically fit.

[Christina P.]

Oh, you're. You're about to see it on this.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

Okay, so look. That's like a GQ photo.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God. Okay, so look, I'm gonna give Obama almost. What do you think? A nine? Yeah, he's annoying.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I would say that's a very fair rating.

[Christina P.]

He looks great there. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

He looks great.

[Christina P.]

All right, let's go see the other swimsuit edition. Presidents. Holy Biden. He didn't do leg day ever. No, no, Biden doesn't look good.

[Tom Segura]

I mean.

[Christina P.]

Okay, hold on. Young Biden was kind of hot.

[Tom Segura]

That's gonna say what age? If we can look at anybody in their 80s. Of course, he's 80 years old.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Let's go younger Biden.

[Tom Segura]

What does a younger Biden look like?

[Christina P.]

He's cute.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's super. Young Biden. That's. Yeah, even in the.

[Christina P.]

Oh, but look at that bad comb over in the 70s.

[Tom Segura]

No, the hair's not great.

[Christina P.]

No, but he's got.

[Tom Segura]

But he's. He's got a handsome enough face. I think he's a decent face. I don't know what he would look like shirtless in this era, but it's probably just fair, right?

[Christina P.]

So what do you get?

[Tom Segura]

A slender build. I mean, here's the thing. You have to remember something. It gets a lot worse. So don't forget that on this scale, it gets a lot.

[Christina P.]

Wait a minute. That's not fair. You're gonna grade him.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I'm saying you can grade him objectively. But just don't forget, if you're like, if you think this is bad.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. It gets worse.

[Tom Segura]

We're not going into negative numbers. So just remember that I think that this is to be fair. And if you're saying Obama's a nut, you gotta go down to like six.

[Christina P.]

I was gonna say six, because this.

[Tom Segura]

Is above average, for sure.

[Christina P.]

For presidents. He's a presidential.

[Tom Segura]

Shorts.

[Christina P.]

He's a presidential. But don't you think you need to grade them based on how they looked as president? Because we're not looking at Obama in his 20s. We're looking at him as president. Well, I would say Obama's is, what, 40s? And this is a Joe in his 40s. Should we go to.

[Tom Segura]

But he's right. But Obama was president in his 40s, so 50s.

[Christina P.]

Do we look at people in their 50s? Presidential 50s. How old is JFK?

[Tom Segura]

It's a fair point. It's. It's what you are as president.

[Christina P.]

Oh, gosh. Just when you think you have this game.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we have to. There's got to be room. All right, all right, all right.

[Christina P.]

Presidency hotness. Okay, fine. You're right. You're right. Presidency hotness.

[Tom Segura]

That guy. You gotta go down a couple notches.

[Christina P.]

I mean, the tits and everything. I know, how sad to be photographed. I know, but, like, I'd hate to be photographed in my big bathing suit. It's so awful.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, it's a nightmare.

[Christina P.]

Poor guy. Okay, this is. This is a disaster right now. Based on that photo, I'm going to give him the lowest. He's a one.

[Tom Segura]

No, Boo.

[Christina P.]

No worse than him.

[Tom Segura]

You just started the fucking game.

[Christina P.]

I'm giving.

[Tom Segura]

He's a three.

[Christina P.]

A three.

[Tom Segura]

Give him a three. I'm telling you, you don't know what's coming up.

[Christina P.]

Nothing worse than this.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think you're right. I think it gets notably worse. I think it gets notably.

[Christina P.]

There's nobody older that's been president than Biden.

[Tom Segura]

Have you seen who's older than president, though?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, Dog show. All right, I'm gonna.

[Tom Segura]

You know what? We each have our own scale. Okay, Keep going.

[Christina P.]

So what's the ranking for Biden? I'm gonna give Biden a one based on this photograph of him with his tits hanging and everything and his body sagging. It's not his fault. He's old.

[Tom Segura]

He's a solid.

[Christina P.]

It just sucks. Negative, negative. I think you're gonna see.

[Tom Segura]

Keep going.

[Christina P.]

Okay, so now, compared to him, Obama is like. Oh, it's like a 10.

[Tom Segura]

Sexy, right?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Oh, look at that staged photo.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Hillary. That's so fake. Dude, you and I never even pose like that. It's got to be from the 80s, too. Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

Back when she was 98. He's president there.

[Christina P.]

Oh, please.

[Tom Segura]

Is this before he's president?

[Christina P.]

No, I know, but is this before or after Monica?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Christina P.]

Is this staged right after that happens? This is.

[Tom Segura]

They're having a good time. You just let them have fun.

[Christina P.]

No such. So, okay, okay, okay.

[Tom Segura]

But Bill, is there. Are there More photos or just this one? Is there something underneath that?

[Christina P.]

This is what we have here. But this is right during the Lewinsky. Yeah, that's right. That trash. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Photo. Okay. Now, personally, for me, I was never. I never felt he was that attractive of a prez. He was not my type.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Oh, there he is.

[Christina P.]

He's okay. He's good. He's real red faced, a little pink charisma.

[Tom Segura]

Plays a role. Great personality. Plays a role.

[Christina P.]

Remember he played the. Didn't he play the saxophone?

[Tom Segura]

He played the sax and he also had swag times a thousand. He's the swaggiest president we've.

[Christina P.]

Well, are we going on swag or are we going on looks? And I'm going based.

[Tom Segura]

It's a package. It's the whole thing. You're not just like separating the two?

[Christina P.]

Oh, I do.

[Tom Segura]

You know, you're no fun to do this with. Like, it's literally. You're making this difficult. Just have fun, for Christ's sake. It's him, what he looks like and who he is. It's all together. It's a package. So you. Yes. You consider the looks, but you also know the guy. So you have to go. It's all together. Is it great? No. Does it get worse? Absolutely. So where do you rank them?

[Christina P.]

A bad photo. Well, okay, hold on. I think Biden's still the worst. I think he's at a three and a half, four.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like I'm more generous than you. I. I feel like. I don't think that's fair to say that. That's not even average.

[Christina P.]

I'll tell you why.

[Tom Segura]

Look at the. Look at the pool of talent. You don't think that's even average?

[Christina P.]

I think he messed up with the Lewinsky thing. He didn't handle it.

[Tom Segura]

What are we talking about here?

[Christina P.]

He. What you say he.

[Tom Segura]

What are we talking about?

[Christina P.]

I'm talking about swag, you said. So he swag. Yeah, but then that whole thing kind of diminished the swag for me.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Christina P.]

When he got caught with Lewinsky and then he's like, do what is in the lion. And he was on. On in court and he was doing the lawyering thing where he was like. Now when I say affair, my mouth. The penis on the mouth.

[Tom Segura]

Do you understand? Do you understand why a woman cannot be president? Like, do you understand it? Because it's so clear now. Right. Were playing a game about who is fucking, how attractive they are in their bathing suits.

[Christina P.]

I don't find him attractive. No, you said it's a Whole package. What is it then?

[Tom Segura]

Meaning? You can't just rank the fucking. The.

[Christina P.]

Well, which is it, Sagura? Is it the whole package, the swag? Or is it the big. The bathing suit?

[Tom Segura]

Look, you're the worst.

[Christina P.]

No, no. Am I crazy? Now he's contradicting himself.

[Tom Segura]

No, you are the worst. Ask them. Ask them.

[Christina P.]

You said before, the whole package, the swag.

[Tom Segura]

Ask the fucking. Ask them.

[Christina P.]

And now you're going back to just the swimsuit.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, ask them. Ask them if they. If they understand what you're thinking and how you think or whether.

[Christina P.]

They don't have to understand.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's right. Because there's only one person that understands how you're thinking right now, and that's you. Nobody else gets this.

[Christina P.]

Okay, then let me have it. Can I have my own level of attraction for whatever reason? It's subjective, Tom. This is a subjective sport we're playing.

[Tom Segura]

Can I just ask a question? Yeah. Are you saying that you find him less attractive? You found him less attractive because he got caught? No, that, like, reduced his swag.

[Christina P.]

How he handled it, the sweat, the way that he handled it in court. I remember he was doing a bunch of lawyer speak, and that was very unswaggish. And ever since then, I don't like him as much. He was doing these weird things and the phrasing and that. He was. He was backpedaling. It wasn't attractive.

[Tom Segura]

He gave you the ick.

[Christina P.]

You should. Yes, that's right. He should have just apologized and owned it and. Go on.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, who's the next person we move on to? The next.

[Christina P.]

What are you going to rank?

[Tom Segura]

He's a six.

[Christina P.]

Wow. You did that just to spite me. That was a spiteful six, and you fucking know it. Sakura.

[Tom Segura]

No, your. Your whole rationale is. It's very difficult to process. It's very illogical. Okay, here is George H.W. bush as president in 1989. He's got to be. Well, is he. Is he 60 or older there? 65. He's 65 years old here. I mean, there's nothing. There's nobody. I don't feel like there's a president in my lifetime who has felt more asexual than hw. Now there's. There he is right there.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I agree.

[Tom Segura]

He looks. He's like. He's keeping it together. This is actually. There's effort involved in this. You don't. You know, I mean, he's still running. He's slender. He's not like, you know, oh, my God. Super. Is there other. There he is. That's him. Much. But way before president, though. Just put George H.W. bush during presidency.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You know what he's got?

[Tom Segura]

He feels safe. He's a safe.

[Christina P.]

He's got pastor vibes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's exactly right.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I don't feel like he's particularly attractive or unattractive. He's just there.

[Christina P.]

Right. He's the beige of presidents.

[Tom Segura]

He's a pair of khakis.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So go back to his shirtless photo. You know, he's holding. That's a 65 year old man. He's holding it together. That being said, I think you gotta give him. I think you give him a five. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's so generous. Well, okay. I'm comparing him. In my mind, he's 65. So we have one is Biden. Make him a four.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Pretty close. We're only a point apart on that one. Maybe we're coming back together. Wow. I love the era of the pants over the belly button.

[Christina P.]

I know. I do too. Cuz they think they're hiding their gut.

[Tom Segura]

They're Hooy. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And you're not fooling anybody by doing that. But I like it.

[Tom Segura]

Is he throwing an apple to a child? What's going on? Photos.

[Christina P.]

Isn't it football?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. He's on the beach tossing a coconut.

[Christina P.]

Oh, a coconut.

[Tom Segura]

Now, now, Ronnie. Don't forget he's old as Ronnie was an actor.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

So there has to be like some vanity to this person.

[Christina P.]

Okay, but how old is he in this photo?

[Tom Segura]

Scroll down there. It's 84. So he is president in this photo. I'm gonna say he's got to be also into his. He was a better. I think he's better 65 than HW65. Right. Scroll down more. Is there any more? Oh yeah, here he is.

[Christina P.]

No, it's a different one.

[Tom Segura]

That's Ford. Do. Do. Ronald Reagan shirtless during presidency. It's very important that we get the criteria right.

[Christina P.]

See, Ronnie has like no muscle tone though. That's thin.

[Tom Segura]

But that is also like so.

[Christina P.]

Well, it's not terrible.

[Tom Segura]

It's not terrible. But that's. That's older.

[Christina P.]

That's what I look like now.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Christina P.]

It's bad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's kind of looks like it's the same. The same trip.

[Christina P.]

Well.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Christina P.]

But here's the deal, man.

[Tom Segura]

All right. There we go.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

A little tit sag.

[Christina P.]

He's got tits and a belly and. Yeah, hold that. But here's the thing, is that he had a Good face. You're right. He was an actor. Look, he photographs well. He's tan there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

He knew how to position himself that.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you know, how old was he during, like, when he, like, just give him the benefit of when he started. He started his presidency in 80. So how about Ronald Reagan, 1980. Let's do that.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

That's when his presidency started. Can we see that? Okay.

[Christina P.]

Oh, boy. Yeah, that's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, he. Again, he's. He's. He's kind of. He's not beige. Like, HW is real bland.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's definitely more charm and charisma.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To this guy.

[Christina P.]

Okay, I'm gonna give Ronnie a generous. On a presidential scale of 1 to 10, I might. I'm gonna rank him higher than Clinton and I'm gonna go with a five. I am, for me, I have fond memories of Reagan when I was a little girl. Yeah, charismatic.

[Tom Segura]

Are you moist between your legs?

[Christina P.]

Nope.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Not. No.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm gonna go to six.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I gave H.W. five. So this is six now.

[Christina P.]

Okay. And Reagan was older. He was 73 in those photos.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Oh, wow. Okay, so that's a good 73.

[Tom Segura]

That's really good for your 70s. People fall apart in their 70s. Like completely fall apart. It's a tough one to crack. Okay, so this is.

[Christina P.]

This is my favorite. This is Gerald Ford.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, look at him.

[Christina P.]

He looks good. And this is for old timey standards. This is the 70s.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. 1975.

[Christina P.]

This is like the Burt Reynolds hot era. I think he looks great. I'm gonna give Gerald Ford a presidential gosh. I would even go seven based on that photo.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

Don't you think it's holding it together?

[Tom Segura]

He is.

[Christina P.]

Looks. Looks good.

[Tom Segura]

Scroll down a little. Oh, that's Nixon. How old is gerald Ford in 1975?

[Christina P.]

He's born in 1913. Holy.

[Tom Segura]

So he's 62 and sees a big difference between your 60s and 70s. Big death, big difference. All right, he's a six and a half.

[Christina P.]

But again, we're going on the term going.

[Tom Segura]

The term presidency. That's fair.

[Christina P.]

The age in which you were photographed.

[Tom Segura]

Six and a half looks great.

[Christina P.]

Now Nixon is the next one and I just caught a glimpse of it. He looks really good there. Again, the high waisted.

[Tom Segura]

He's not president there, though, right? No, that's 1950s VP.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, he looks good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that's not. We're not. Oh, he's got it over his belly button too. That's so cool.

[Christina P.]

No. Yeah, we need to bring that Back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You can't cheat now. Everybody sees everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Everything's so revealed.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, he's not a particularly attractive man. Right.

[Christina P.]

I mean, still, he's got something going for him. I like his air. His air of certainty, authority. Oh, there he goes. That's not bad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's. I mean, that's definitely pre presidency, but. Yeah, no, it's not. It's not terrible.

[Christina P.]

All right. But I'm much younger Nixon, because he. Not a nice full head of hair. Hold on. Before we get there, I'm gonna give Nixon a five.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. I think it's fair.

[Christina P.]

What do you think?

[Tom Segura]

I'll go with five.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Are you writing these down? These are important.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Christina P.]

Okay. All right, Linden B. Then you can't really see, but I like. He looks like a Gene Hackman there.

[Tom Segura]

He also distinguished. Way swaggier. Yeah, he's way cooler.

[Christina P.]

Way cooler.

[Tom Segura]

That's my point. That's the point I was making at the beginning of this, before you lost your mind, is that their personality plays a role in it. Okay, so he doesn't look particularly amazing, but he's way cooler.

[Christina P.]

Yana, can we go back to Bill Clinton's swag? A lot of it was a phony baloney swag. Okay, look at me. Stay with me. Stay with me. That guy is that guy is that guy. No matter what the fuck happens to him because he's an old school cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking, I don't give a. Yeah. Old school guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Now, Bill, scroll up a little bit. Whenever the. The wind blew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

He wasn't steadfast in who he is. You understand what I'm saying? He was kind of a. And I didn't like that he wavered. But that guy, this Gene Hackman looking Lyndon B. Johnson, that's a real dude. That's an old school guy. I like that. I find this. This is more attractive to me than Bill Clinton being a. When the hit the fan. You understand?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so what do you.

[Christina P.]

I'm going to get. I think this is more attractive. I'm going to give him a six.

[Tom Segura]

I'll give him a seven.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

I'm giving him a seven.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yep. Also, we're in Texas and he's a Texan.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. Now here it is, the gold standard.

[Tom Segura]

Here it is, Mr. Cum gutters himself.

[Christina P.]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

JFK. He's like, did I not in you earlier?

[Christina P.]

And look at them touching the president.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

You see where that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Can't do that anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. You can't do. Look how happy. They're all just losing their minds touching him. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Could you imagine people touching the president like that, shirtless, the wet bathing suit. You can't see an outline of his dog.

[Tom Segura]

This is crazy.

[Christina P.]

It's too bad.

[Tom Segura]

Scroll down a little bit. But what does it say? Swim in Santa Monica. So it's 1962, during his presidency. That's insane.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. They just touch him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Now, the funny thing is the standard for bodies then.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, if you're being like, today's standards, some people be like, yeah. I mean, like, he's not grossly overweight, but this guy's not fit. Like, that would be today's thing. They'd be like, yeah, he's not fit. And then. Then they'd be like, this guy is a dime.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Even the women's swimsuits, I love back then because, you know, your lips weren't hanging out. Your ass isn't hanging out. Like, it just covered you, and you felt like a lady.

[Tom Segura]

Nice phrasing. Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

But that's like. Yeah, he's, you know, cute. You're just like. Somebody would be like, well, yeah, start going to the gym. That's literally what they would say.

[Christina P.]

No, for sure. I know. Which sucks, because I think his body is fine.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Because it's a normal body. It's normal.

[Christina P.]

It's great.

[Tom Segura]

He actually has, like, a normal.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Healthy look. Now his son right there, JFK junior.

[Christina P.]

That's a fit guy. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This guy.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, he. Big time, actually.

[Tom Segura]

He doesn't like, Daddy.

[Christina P.]

Daddy, Daddy. Hard. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Look at Jacqueline. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Look at, like, look at Carrie Grant shirtless. And. And that's a. That's like a great, like, for. In this ear, that was considered the. This is the leading man of. This is like the hottest man in the world. And there's like. There's no physique, really. No, it's just.

[Christina P.]

He's just, like, trim.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like, he just has his weight down. That's great.

[Tom Segura]

Keep your weight off. And that was considered, like, you're doing great.

[Christina P.]

But I think this is more attractive than, like. I think that's lovely that. That this, to me, is what a man looks like. This is very lovely.

[Tom Segura]

For today's era. They'd be like, you. I know you're not.

[Christina P.]

I know you're scrawny. Look at that little pose. Hello. Look at his tush. So gay.

[Tom Segura]

There's somebody back there.

[Christina P.]

Oopsie. Can I too?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And, you know, for the. We had the big boom of action stars in the 80s. Going into the 90s was about like, Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and they're like super, super jacked. Then you see, like, Bruce Willis and he actually just looks normal.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

He's not actually. He's just healthy. He just looks like. Weight your weights down.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just looks normal.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina P.]

Like, what's the one we watch every year at Christmas? We love Die Hard. He looked just like a cop. Like an in shape cop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Not even, like, particularly in shape, though. Just not like, not a fucking look.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it looks great. That was 80s fit. I liked 80s fit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's just like, you know, like, he's just not fat. Yeah, that's it.

[Christina P.]

I know. Even Marilyn Monroe's body, she wasn't like, you know, lean and jacked. Not at all the way models are now. No, she had a little chub on. Not chub, but just a layer of baby fat. Like normal female body fat.

[Tom Segura]

Wasn't she reportedly like 150 once? Like, that's a full figure towards the end of.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, toward. Not in the beginning. No. Yeah, she gained a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no. Well, it fluctuated 118 to 1:40.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, she was a heavier. Yeah. When she died.

[Tom Segura]

Full tits. 36d.

[Christina P.]

Full tits. Yeah, full tits.

[Tom Segura]

Tits were probably half that weight.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, tits are a lot of weight, man. That's for sure.

[Tom Segura]

All right, how many more presents?

[Christina P.]

Full circle back to jfk.

[Tom Segura]

Jfk.

[Christina P.]

Yay. Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

He would dump his clip in there, too.

[Christina P.]

He and his brother would take. Would tag team her.

[Tom Segura]

That is Malibu.

[Christina P.]

Isn't that crazy? The President.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that is crazy.

[Christina P.]

And it was known. Yeah, they just.

[Tom Segura]

They plower so weird.

[Christina P.]

Who's getting plowed today? Who do you think is the Marilyn of today? That, like, presidents are dumping clips in, like, men of power.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think that that's a thing now.

[Christina P.]

It's gotta be, right?

[Tom Segura]

I just don't think so. Well, it's definitely.

[Christina P.]

Is it like Instagram models, like, you know, they get called over to the Middle East.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe it's just a different era. Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

They wanted to. In my mouth. Can you believe it?

[Tom Segura]

You know, there's no. No, there's no digital tracking in this era. It's just literally like, I don't know, somebody passes someone a message and then they show up. But like, this era, these guys can't do this. Not like him. He was everywhere. Just my back hurts. But if I nut, maybe It'll feel better. Yeah. What's underneath him? Is there any more? We got to be running out of photos here.

[Christina P.]

Truman.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

It's a dog chow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's one step above Biden.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you guys didn't rate him. Is that 10?

[Christina P.]

Oh, who JFK at a president. I think he's a presidential 10. And then right under him is Obama.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. The Dems are always hotter and then go down. Go down.

[Christina P.]

The men, the male Dems. Reservoir. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah. These guys, they're both sub fives.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Truman, Roosevelt, they're like three fours.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. So jfk, he's the gold standard, I think. Right. Would you agree with that assessment?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Jfk.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Jfk, Obama.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Far as like, attractive level. I think you're right.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Those guys could have been like movie stars or whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Anybody in there grossly disagree with any ranking.

[Christina P.]

I kind of feel like, how are we ranking these guys against the ones we're showing or entire presidency? Because they would be closer to tens. Almost all of them.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, if they're.

[Christina P.]

What if they're ranked against all of presidential history?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, oh, I see what you're saying.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah. They're dogs.

[Tom Segura]

No, I think it's got to be modern era. Yeah. If you can't be like, how about Grover Cleveland?

[Christina P.]

No, those are dogs. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Those guys, those are hard, hard ones.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Those are everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Those are just the zeros.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think it has to. You have to do it in this, the photography era.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know? Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Because we don't even really know what people look like. Like, Right. Like Lincoln. There's like paintings.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That. Those are flattering.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty. Yeah, it's pretty. I mean, understood that. It ain't good. None of it was good. Yeah. Probably a little harsh right there on Truman, by the way.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I think we just. We're over it.

[Christina P.]

Bad angle.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a great angle. But he's definitely, you know, also it's like. But you gotta picture yourself with your mouth between his legs, you know, I can't even. I know, I know.

[Christina P.]

It's rough.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Who do you go for if you're gay?

[Tom Segura]

You have to choose what one of these.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, for the story. Probably jfk. Yeah. I'd be like, I had a pretty good weekend.

[Christina P.]

Do you think he was nice? Like, he would like leave you presence or do you think he. You know what I mean? Like, would he just come in, pump and dump and bounce or would he spend some time with you?

[Tom Segura]

Romance, you it's obviously all hypothetical, but I, I feel like there was a little romance to him.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A little charm.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Because he didn't get a bad reputation for doing that. Like, women weren't like, God, this guy, you know.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P.]

Assaulted me. They were, they were happy to oblige, I think. Yeah, he probably hung out, had some whiskey and cigars and I bet Clinton.

[Tom Segura]

Was super charming too. I don't think he was just like lay there. I think he was cracking jokes and like, you know, being charming. I think he was probably. Yeah. Laying it out and I got you a cab and everything. Yeah, yeah, I think he was probably nice about it.

[Christina P.]

And I bet the ladies felt bad for Bill because of who he was married to. Like, she knows she was. And touching him and they. Long ago they made an arrangement. No, but Jackie. Oh, I feel bad for Jackie, you know, she was beautiful and Beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful and nice.

[Christina P.]

Pretty nice. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Fancy.

[Christina P.]

Nice. Who knew?

[Tom Segura]

Now, how about this guy? Oh, right. We didn't rank.

[Christina P.]

He did lose the LBs for the current.

[Tom Segura]

For the upcoming.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's an argument that his upcoming presidency in which he is notably older. He might even look better.

[Christina P.]

I think he does look better now.

[Tom Segura]

Than he did because he's doing less of that orange bullshit.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He actually feels like he did less crazy hair stuff now. And yeah, he's older, but he dropped like 15, 20 pounds. So there's a, there's definitely a case that he looks better. I think now.

[Christina P.]

I think so too. I think that someone got a hold of him and tamed him down a bit.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know who the fuck could do that to him.

[Christina P.]

I don't know either.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe Melania, do you think he looked looks. I do think he looks better now than he did four or six years ago.

[Christina P.]

I really, I mean, he could. He looked insane. The last presidency, the white and the orange.

[Tom Segura]

The face cream is always insane.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

The hair has obviously always been a story. It looked absolutely crazy too. It looked like a dead animal on his head. And he would wear these ill fitting suits. You got a multi billionaire wearing these frumpy suits that like, what happens when you're fat is you go, you want to cover your fat.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you start, you start buying things that are too big.

[Christina P.]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

And you just look fatter. Oh.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So. But he. I think he actually looks better now.

[Christina P.]

I think so too, Tom. And I think Melania never ages. She looks amazing.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's a totally different category. Yeah. So if you had to rank him, he's definitely not doing any Shirtless photos, but I think.

[Christina P.]

God.

[Tom Segura]

Will you rank him? Pull up our score, our chart again? Yeah, I would say he's also. He's in his 70s.

[Christina P.]

I'm gonna give him a Truman ranking.

[Tom Segura]

Like a 3, 4. Yeah, that feels fair.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. So Biden's still the lowest on there.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, poor guy.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, you have to. He's definitely better than that. So if I gave Biden a three. Yeah. I would say that Trump's a four and a half. He's 78 years old. Also looks better. Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Wow. I'm so glad we did this work.

[Tom Segura]

This was important. We're gonna get to Syria and some of the issues going on in internationally in a moment. Yeah. But this was important work.

[Christina P.]

We spent so much emotional energy on it, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Look how heated we got, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Christina P.]

I feel like there was. You know, we don't really argue about much in our marriage, and then look at this became. You got really upset with me.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it makes you. You know, like I said, things you care about are things you get passionate about. So here's something to transition you out of that.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah. I've seen this guy.

[Tom Segura]

This guy's pretty interesting.

[Christina P.]

He's Russian, right?

[Tom Segura]

I think so.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's not that different than taking a in your underwear.

[Christina P.]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

It's the same type of thing.

[Christina P.]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

It is, though.

[Christina P.]

The taking a in your underwear, I think, involves a lot more preparation. First of all, you've got to give yourself diarrhea every day to film that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he know he's doing diarrhea tests. Sometimes he's like, oh, it's not diarrhea. It's solid. Or it's just urine.

[Christina P.]

Right. But let's infer that he's taking things that would induce diarrhea. So you're talking a few hours of prep work there, and then he's got to choose the underwear.

[Tom Segura]

We think eggs just grow on trees. This guy goes out and buys eggs. He's doing. He's doing it for, like, this will. This will get people excited.

[Christina P.]

That's true.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I liked it. I liked watching it. This is more entertaining than a lot of stuff I see on television.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I got some interesting stuff to show you. Is this horrible or hilarious? Here we go.

[Christina P.]

Dude. Oh, it's good. I liked it, though.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Christina P.]

Who, Han?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I think that means my arm.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. So it sounds like you kind of laughed.

[Christina P.]

I liked it. I thought it was funny because she should know better than to go next to that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she should, like, Here we go.

[Christina P.]

That was a good one. Oh, how did that happen?

[Tom Segura]

He's okay. He's okay.

[Christina P.]

How is he laughing? How is this guy laughing?

[Tom Segura]

Because this guy is double jointed. He's just having fun.

[Christina P.]

Oh, fuck. Thank God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was fun because you think he's just cracked his leg in half, but it really was just double joint.

[Christina P.]

That's horrible. I didn't like that.

[Tom Segura]

We also, speaking of videos like this, we got an interesting email from a listener. Hey, guys, I was listening to this, to the Adrienne Appellucci episode. But by the way, she has a great new special out on. I'm on Netflix. You guys are, of course. What? I just choked for a second. I can't choke. Hey, you.

[Christina P.]

It was just scary.

[Tom Segura]

Why is it scary?

[Christina P.]

I got scared. I thought you were dying.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's fired, you guys. The level of disrespect.

[Christina P.]

We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned? We thought, I'm fine. We thought you were stroking out. We didn't want to say anything.

[Tom Segura]

You know, first it was the face. Now I fucking choke on saliva for a second and you guys make it a big fucking deal.

[Christina P.]

I'm gonna do a drawing for you. Choking on saliva. I already know how it's gonna go in my head like that.

[Tom Segura]

I'm returning your Christmas present. I was listening today to the Adrienne Appolucci episode. She has a great new special on Netflix. You guys, of course, are 100% free to do your thing.

[Christina P.]

Thank you for that.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, but just one person's reaction. I'm unsubscribing because of the cavalier attitude to actual human suffering is too much in parentheses for me. Understandably. That a lot of comedy is about real human suffering, but this crosses the line once again, in parentheses for me. You're both doing great. This doesn't represent an existential threat to your well being.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But if my message makes it to you, then I've communicated my wish for more compassion and different choices. And I think that makes a better world. And I think comedy contributes to that better world. Uri.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, Uri. Here you go.

[Christina P.]

Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

That guy is.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. He's so dead, dude. Everything's. The bike, the bones.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was bad. That was real bad, dude.

[Christina P.]

What the. Was he doing that? What did he think would happen, though?

[Tom Segura]

That maybe that he would land and just keep on writing? I don't know. It's definitely a man. I don't have to get check on that. That's a guy. Let's see what it says here that.

[Christina P.]

Was really just all dumb.

[Tom Segura]

Yep, it was. Danny Fender. Holy shit. This dude, after that, he says he hit the drop with too much speed and it was also very windy. He later confirmed he had no broken bones.

[Christina P.]

No way.

[Tom Segura]

Only a few scratches and a swollen knee. That is unbelievable. Here, I'll just say this, Danny, I'm glad you're okay. That looked like the dumbest thing I'd ever seen anyone do, but I'm glad you're okay. Yeah, that was okay. I thought you were definitely dead.

[Christina P.]

That was wild, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, this is good.

[Christina P.]

She's gone. That hurt, dude. She belly flapped. She got a mouthful of water. Top flew off. Her panties flew off. That was terrible.

[Tom Segura]

She put her feet in two. Like, you gotta start skimming, you know?

[Christina P.]

What is she trying to do here?

[Tom Segura]

She's trying to, like, foot surf. Like this, the. So like. But like, the. That speed and the obviously the force of putting in. You gotta, like, start by just, like, just grazing the water, you know. She just went all the way in.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. It's wild.

[Tom Segura]

It was too much force.

[Christina P.]

That was a lot.

[Tom Segura]

I want to go back to everybody laughing at me. I.

[Christina P.]

It was awful. Babe, it's not that we were laughing at you. It's that you made this. It was scary. And we were like, is he not going to?

[Tom Segura]

No, but there's repercussions, is what I'm saying.

[Christina P.]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yes, there are.

[Christina P.]

What? Are you kidding?

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's no Christmas party anymore. I'm not doing that.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not doing that. And I'm not do. I'm not doing that. And I'm not doing end of year bonuses. And I am taking back your gift. Now let's move on to the next segment.

[Christina P.]

You said egg roll. Okay. How much is that? You have a general. Is that spicy?

[Tom Segura]

He got into so many different positions. He got into six positions.

[Christina P.]

Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how spicy is it? How spicy is it? So they are spicy. I don't know how spicy you eat. They're so spicy. The cat's chilling. The cat's so used to this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this guy's really good. I gotta say, this guy is really good.

[Christina P.]

So many farts.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I was. I was looking for his name. It's Will the Farter.

[Christina P.]

Oh, okay. Wow. This guy's really official.

[Tom Segura]

He's on Cameo. If anyone's looking to get a video as your plug, I hope you enjoy him. I'm very much so. Right in front of my computer. What?

[Christina P.]

What do you need me to do and why? I have asked 15 in front of a computer.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina P.]

Not sure, but you can.

[Tom Segura]

You can go ahead and elaborate. So he's one of these guys that can suck air in. Right. That's clearly what's happening. Because I had a roommate like this in college that could do this.

[Christina P.]

That's amazing talent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he would. He would get on all fours and just. And, like, just put on cameo, too. I don't think so.

[Christina P.]

He should be.

[Tom Segura]

I think he works in sales.

[Christina P.]

He's got to change his career path immediately.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

This guy's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Way to go.

[Christina P.]

What a talent. So he's sucking it into fart. Yeah, that. That makes a lot of sense. I could watch this guy do this for hours.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty cool.

[Christina P.]

Really good stuff.

[Tom Segura]

All right. There's one. Oh, well, I just figured, like, we should do this for you.

[Christina P.]

Oh, please. So I heard you was looking for me. Here I go. I'm just thinking about you. Choking.

[Tom Segura]

Done.

[Christina P.]

What made you choke? Is it just spit from the r in your mouth?

[Tom Segura]

I can't wait. I can't wait to see you choke.

[Christina P.]

You're so spiteful.

[Tom Segura]

I hope it's bad.

[Christina P.]

You're. You're. You know what? You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty. You're spicy. What's going on with you?

[Tom Segura]

Here we go.

[Christina P.]

What's going on?

[Tom Segura]

No. Nothing. What are you gonna make today? Excuses. Our results. No. No.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Too much momentum.

[Christina P.]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's not really. There's no control in that. He's just swinging him around. It's like. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And I'm. I'm a novice weightlifter. That the form is not.

[Tom Segura]

You should know better.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You don't have to go that fast.

[Tom Segura]

Nope. Hard pass. We're not showing you again.

[Christina P.]

Oh, this lady's licking a fly. Paper strip. She's eating the flies. You don't think they taste good at all? Maybe they're tasty. I don't know. Maybe they're crunchy.

[Tom Segura]

That was tasty too. Out of the gate. I didn't like loose.

[Christina P.]

I'm on to you.

[Tom Segura]

Buster Cherry. Happy birthday. Great to see you.

[Christina P.]

Six enormous.

[Tom Segura]

I will say the name Craven. More hat head.

[Christina P.]

So f. Shout out to Mike Hunt.

[Tom Segura]

Happy birthday.

[Christina P.]

Drew Peacock eating beaver. I leave you.

[Tom Segura]

I see you. Jack May.

[Christina P.]

Our girl. Mike Haner. Happy birthday.

[Tom Segura]

Bill mcravis twenties.

[Christina P.]

Oliver Close Hoffman.

[Tom Segura]

I can't Happy Dixie Re. And Hugh Janus tapping at my leaderboard.

[Christina P.]

Colonel Angus Sleepy Jo. Yo. I didn't mean to say that. Jenna Talia Happy 1000.

[Tom Segura]

You totally got me with that name.

[Christina P.]

So Fonda Cox. Happy birthday to you.

[Tom Segura]

That's great. The best part about this is that it's somebody that puts that name in their profile and then absolutely has to crush it in class to get called out. Like, you gotta be top of the leaderboard. So you gotta be just so getting after it for them to be, like, so a huge fan of Cox or whatever. You can't just name it and get named, you know?

[Christina P.]

That's the best part.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This is somebody who's like, I am naming it Mike and I'm gonna fucking crush it in class today so that they called me out.

[Christina P.]

Can you start doing this?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I can get it up there.

[Christina P.]

Seriously, how many people ride with you at the same time?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I don't always do. I don't do the live. Maybe it's like people in the live classes are doing it. But these leaderboards are, like, some of the things I take will the. It'll be 90,000 people. You know, they're not calling out someone who finishes 47,000.

[Christina P.]

We need to get the mommies on this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

This is amazing. Mommies, you know what to do. And left hand, left hand. Left hand, remove. Left hand, remove the left hand, remove. Yes, yes, Remove, remove. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Got it. Close the mouth. Yes. Perfect.

[Christina P.]

She got it. You like it? Perfect.

[Tom Segura]

You think she choked on saliva? You think they made fun of her for that? Do you think they had a little more empathy?

[Christina P.]

We were all like, oh, my God, is he going to say something? Spiders. Of course.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's the inevitable conclusion of what I am doing. But they're all a.

[Christina P.]

They're raining down now. Can you see them?

[Tom Segura]

This might be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

[Christina P.]

Maybe that's why I put it in there.

[Tom Segura]

So he's in a cave in one of those Thai caves, and it is a spider den.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How awful. On the walls.

[Christina P.]

They're crawling all over.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. There's.

[Christina P.]

It's like a live wall of spiders.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I gotta get a selfie real quick. Hold on.

[Christina P.]

They're crawling all over.

[Tom Segura]

This is a very tight spot. And I'm. I just. I'm not sure how well that can be seen, but I'm gonna try to. Yeah. Reflect off my glove, get through here with a certain amount of patience, limited dignity.

[Christina P.]

The rocks are sharper in this direction.

[Tom Segura]

So that means I'm gonna have a real significant problem.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Getting out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Just this one Exact spot. I'm gonna set this here.

[Christina P.]

God damn.

[Tom Segura]

I feel safe saying that. This is white people shit. This is why this is just.

[Christina P.]

That's true. We've never seen a black or Latino.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody.

[Christina P.]

Cave climber. What are these cave tunnelers?

[Tom Segura]

It's just always the same type.

[Christina P.]

Asians, they're not interested.

[Tom Segura]

No, nobody is. And it's like, so true. To do this, A, is crazy. And then B, to be like, I gotta make sure I have my selfie stick to film this for everybody. And make sure I bring a light, too. So you have to be like, thinking of production as you're doing. It's just awful.

[Christina P.]

It's so much. What do you think?

[Tom Segura]

What do you think? You want to take that for a ride?

[Christina P.]

Really? Turned on? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are you? It's kind of hot. It's got a nice time. You can't picture that, licking up your car. You wouldn't like the feeling.

[Christina P.]

Babe, stop.

[Tom Segura]

If he goes all the way up your crack and all the way, you would not be turned on at all. If this guy licked you up.

[Christina P.]

Babe, stop. I'm gonna be sick.

[Tom Segura]

He looks good. I give him an 8.

[Christina P.]

Tick tocky.

[Tom Segura]

If all the presidents were doing this pose, I'd give them a higher rankings.

[Christina P.]

What's up, guys?

[Tom Segura]

Today I'm going to be teaching you.

[Christina P.]

How to make some.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta tell you, I really dislike this. I really dislike.

[Christina P.]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

Because he's so. He's so far gone. And this guy so needs an intervention and the fool. And the house needs to be set on fire. Whatever he's in just. They need to just blow it up. Scrambled piss eggs Tutorial. Let me guess. You put your eggs in the pot and you pour some piss in it.

[Christina P.]

Well, let's see. Watch the video.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking eggs.

[Christina P.]

You don't even know. I got two eggs right here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I see that.

[Christina P.]

I got my piss right here.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm going to be showing the darkest piss in America.

[Christina P.]

Receipt. It's pretty easy.

[Tom Segura]

Receipt or recipe?

[Christina P.]

All right. Not too much. Once it's hot and steamy, you're gonna want to scramble it up. Scramble it up.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna look like.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God. Look at how good that looks. Did you like it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was cool.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. This is for you, babe.

[Tom Segura]

I've tapped into something. I'm too crazy to explain. You're too normal to understand. Thanks.

[Christina P.]

I'm just glad that I managed to upset you the way you upset me at the beginning of the show.

[Tom Segura]

How did I upset you at the beginning?

[Christina P.]

Remember that guy? It was sexual. And ew. Yeah, he want to lick my tits. And now you. Stop it.

[Tom Segura]

Stop. So I got served today at the pharmacy. And I'm not saying men can't look like this because please go off kings, but, like, I'm not doing damage to masculinity. I think y'all are. When you serve me, when you call me a man. Right? Like, I'm not a man. Don't consider me for the pool of men. And maybe the people who are like, oh, masculinity is in decline. Well, stop thinking I'm doing anything with it. I'm not part of that equation. Count me out. I think you need to put more stuff on your walls. It's so bare in there.

[Christina P.]

It is so bare.

[Tom Segura]

So bare. You know, it reminds me of, like, an apartment when you're 22.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Hang some things up on the wall. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

If you're going to be a lady, you gotta decorate.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. The audacity of whoever called this person sir. It's like, what is wrong with you?

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Show a little consideration.

[Christina P.]

It's so insensitive. I mean, yes, he's got a full beard, but who. Sorry. They have a full beard, but that doesn't mean that you're necessarily a sir anymore.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P.]

Hey, man, I know it's so rude.

[Tom Segura]

Just.

[Christina P.]

I agree, though. He could sit. Sorry. They could use a poster or, like, a painting, something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, you got it. You gotta hang some up. Okay.

[Christina P.]

Maybe that's why peanuts.

[Tom Segura]

Don't look away.

[Christina P.]

Look at me.

[Tom Segura]

Look at me. Sorry.

[Christina P.]

We looked away.

[Tom Segura]

How did he know?

[Christina P.]

You know?

[Tom Segura]

He knew. It was the moment I looked at. He's like, you don't.

[Christina P.]

So weird.

[Tom Segura]

Really interesting collection from you today. It's it. If I had seen this collection brought to me and someone said, who curated this? I wouldn't have thought this was you.

[Christina P.]

Really.

[Tom Segura]

It didn't really feel like Christina vibes, but then again, we're just kind of getting back into things, so.

[Christina P.]

We are. Tom. I'm a whole new person. I'm just regrouping here. And this episode overall felt kind of dark and horny, didn't it? It felt. It felt very horny. There's a lot of sexual undertones more than.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, sometimes horny feels good. Didn't feel.

[Christina P.]

Didn't feel good for me either. It was awful. Horny. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was bad. It was sad horny. It was depressing. It was kind of like jail horny, you know? Or like psych ward horny. Not the kind of horny we're like, ooh, I'm turned on. This was way horny. Yeah. Real, real bad. Real bad. Thank you. I would kind of credit you for that, so thank you very much.

[Christina P.]

Hey, you know, sometimes the algorithm speaks to me. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

I think being that it's December, we need to go out on something a little more joyful.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Hey, guys, you want to make me green?

[Tom Segura]

That's right, guys.

[Christina P.]

You want me green like a monster, man.

[Tom Segura]

Also horny.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Again, all that or die. My body say yeah. Make me clean, baby. And make me machine green and have your nasty way. Make that stripe, man. 917-353-2-913.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina P.]

6 foot 6, 378 by 236-2968 or 929-70694 numbers. That's right. Make me clean, baby. Man, man, make a monster, man. You want to make a monster, man? You want a monster daddy, man? You want to use his daddy? You want daddy be a monster, A freak. And the green from head to toe and say, shut up, baby. We're going to have a go. We're going to go, go, go.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Christina P.]

You know, you want to do. Guys, you want to get down. So come on over, guys. Let's play.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you know what? Reliable, consistent. I want to say, Robert, you look handsome.

[Christina P.]

Looks great.

[Tom Segura]

You look good. The. The. I like the Grinch effect. That was creative. It's. It's in the holiday spirit.

[Christina P.]

Definitely.

[Tom Segura]

It's playful. Yeah, it's.

[Christina P.]

And I don't know if those are new phone numbers or just he's repeating the usual.

[Tom Segura]

I think there's some of the usual numbers. Maybe there's an added number because four phone numbers.

[Christina P.]

It's a lot for people to write down as they're watching this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he runs through them pretty quick.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But God damn, man, you look great. And he does. I hope you have a great holiday, Robert. I hope it's really good.

[Christina P.]

We love you. We always love you, buddy. Good to see you're up and doing your thing.

[Tom Segura]

Doing your thing and stuff like that. And hopefully the numbers, they hope. I hope all four just keep ringing through the month of December. Great month to visit. 2395, Apartment 2C, 121st, First Avenue, Spanish Harlem in New York. That's where he is. It's very public knowledge. It's actually on Google Maps.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's right under Robert Paul Champagne.

[Tom Segura]

You can look it up. It'll take you right to this man's place.

[Christina P.]

So that's the amazing part.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. Fun day, fun show. It's December. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves. Do your holiday shopping. Hope it's my favorite month. I love December. December is the best. It's sad that we're gonna have an all new staff after the new year. But I think that I'm looking forward to meeting them. And you know, this is everyone's last show. So say your goodbye, happy holidays, we'll see you soon. Grab your jeans and pull them up.

[Christina P.]

High then you ever wore them before.

[Tom Segura]

Now it may seem that your crotch.

[Christina P.]

Is on fire but your camel toe I cannot ignore. So keep them high tight you sexy tiger. I wanna see those thighs explode. Now turn around so I can see your entire parking garage at the end of my road. And forgive me if you see my mouth water don't mean to be rude, I just want me to bite Cause.

[Tom Segura]

I've been starving myself Now I'm kinda.

[Christina P.]

In the mood for some bomb chum tonight. And if you don't give me my appetizer with some stinky sauce I think I'll just die Then I'll come back.

[Tom Segura]

And re reincarnation as your jeans when.

[Christina P.]

They'Re high and tight.