Shitting Gold w/ David Cross | Your Mom's House Ep. 856

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House Ep. 856 — “Shitting Gold” w/ David Cross

Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky & Tom Segura
Guest: David Cross
Release Date: April 22, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode is a wild, hilarious, and at times surprisingly heartfelt ride through stories about stand-up comedy, TikTok oddities, male fashion fails, stand-up venues, math phobia, body modification, and the absurdity of gold-plated luxury foods. The highlight is a candid interview with comedy legend David Cross, who talks about his new special, “The End of the Beginning of the End,” and weighs in on everything from failing algebra to the strange world of standing-only comedy venues. As always, Tom and Christina’s authentic banter threads together awkward confessions, cringe internet finds, and genuinely interesting insights into the world of comedy and beyond.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pre-Guest Banter & Show Updates ([00:00]–[07:30])

• Tour and Stand-up Updates: Christina shares she’s added Brea, CA to her tour [00:00], and both hosts trade stories from the road; Tom’s excited about touring and Christina discusses returning to stand-up post-Invisalign.
• Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership: Christina played goth music there and shook up the male-dominated energy [03:19]. “Dudes were crying in the green room… we’re just talking about life. Listening to the Smiths.” — Christina ([04:13])
• On Wearing Heels: They riff on the impracticality and pain of heels, with Tom recounting stories from LA podiatrists and Christina admitting she can’t walk in them at 50 ([05:36]).

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2. Viral Video Deep Dives and Online Absurdities ([07:36]–[31:05])

• Cringe Content Creators: Tom introduces a video creator who whiplashes from “uplifting messages” to sex-driven rants. Both hosts mock the jarring contrast.
  • “That is how people were like, oh, this is a nice message... And then just one day you’re scrolling and it’s like ‘I had her trembling.’” — Tom ([09:59])
  • Christina’s reaction: “My vag can’t get dry enough when I hear someone talk like that.” ([15:10])
• Internet Creeps & Catfishing: The Mommies laugh at a guitar guy tricked by an online bot ([19:19]), riffing on the perils of online dating for old bums: “I own the damn block.” — Guitar Guy ([19:55])

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3. Wild Wellness Trends and Dumb Decisions ([23:44]–[26:28])

• Weird “Healing” Therapies: Christina & Tom watch a video of a man supposedly fixing backs by hammering people’s vertebrae, expressing horror and skepticism.
  • “That can’t be good for you… That is trauma on your tailbone.” — Tom ([24:00])
  • Segue into stories of a weird LA chiropractor who valued speed over bedside manner and had a smelly dog. ([27:02])

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4. Quadruple Amputee Crime & Overcoming Limits ([30:41]–[35:00])

• Amazing Yet Disturbing: They discuss a quadriplegic man accused of murder who was captured on video using guns, doing coke, and playing cornhole at a high level.
  • “That guy’s attitude is what I’m impressed with. I mean, yeah, he killed somebody. That’s bad. But aren’t we going to talk about how great of an attitude he has?” — Tom ([32:26])
  • Discussion about not underestimating what handicapped people can do and how it subverts assumptions.

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5. DIY Dentistry and Body Horror ([35:34]–[39:36])

• Pliers Tooth Extraction: The group reacts to a gnarly video of a heavily tattooed man yanking out his own tooth with pliers. “What a fucking animal, dude. So impressive... The toothache goes away when you rip it out with a pair of pliers.” — Tom ([36:02])
• Tattoo Analysis: They speculate about possible Maori face tattoos and body culture.

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6. Comedy, College, and Math Struggles w/ David Cross ([40:33]+)

Introduction of David Cross ([40:33])

• David discusses the logistics and partners behind his new special, produced with YMH Studios and 800 Pound Gorilla.
• Growing Up and School:
  • Cross and Tom bond over their struggles with math and failing algebra in high school.
    • “We’re both retards at math.” — Christina ([44:44])
  • David’s advice for his daughter: “There’s going to be a point in the near future where I’m like, just get a D. Get a D and you’ll be fine.” ([48:19])
• Surviving College Math: Tom shares passing stats by buying his boat-loving math professor a magazine ([49:05]).

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7. The Stand-Up World: Standing Crowds vs. Seated ([49:19]–[59:00])

• David Cross prefers standing venues for their energy and engagement but admits theaters are more lucrative.
  • “You do those theater shows… but music venues, your relationship with the audience is completely different.” — David ([50:53])
• They debate demographics and how audience vibes shift at different venues.
• Christina: “Mine’s like, let’s lay down. Tired. If I could I would let them fully lie down.” ([54:29])
• Tom and David note the surprising diversity in their audience — from “door knocker tatted up” folks to middle-aged out-of-shape guys ([55:04]).

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8. Math & College Nostalgia ([43:49]–[49:19])

• The gang roast “communications” as a dumb college major and trade school rejection stories.
• Christina confesses: “I took algebra 1a… as a whole year and then 1b as a second year.” ([46:48])
• Tom charmed a math credit out of a boating-obsessed professor with a magazine — “That's how you operate in real life.” ([49:10])

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9. Comedy Special Structure and The Art of Deadpan ([59:20]–[61:03])

• Tom praises David’s “long, meandering” builds and deadpan delivery as unique to his style.
  • “Your deadpan is like unlike anybody’s... maybe he really feels this way.” — Tom ([60:13])
• David on his gold-flecked dessert bit: “It’s so stupid… and there’s some asshole who thinks that makes them cool.” ([61:03])
• Christina: “Every time I see a gold fleck on a dessert, I think about your bit.” ([61:03])

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10. Gold-plated Foods & Celebrity Bodily Functions ([61:03]–[66:12])

• BIT HIGHLIGHT: “Shitting gold” joke, as Cross riffs on the absurdity of gold-plated burgers and their inevitable exit ([62:28])
  • “You eat that golden burger… now you’re panning for gold, kinda.” — Brendan ([62:45])
• Christina shares her philosophy: “If you’re going to have fancy jewelry, just wear it. There is no special occasion. Every day is a special occasion.” ([66:10])

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11. LA Geography, Rim Job Tuesdays, and Silver Lake Stories ([66:35]–[74:41])

• Long riff about the weirdness of Marina del Rey, living on your boat, and tiers of LA wealth ([68:51]).
• Christina recalls “rim job Tuesdays” at a Silver Lake gay bar, much to Cross’s amusement.
  • “I think people want to live on the boat, which is why they dock in Marina del Ray and then go to the Cheesecake Factory.” — Christina ([69:11])

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12. Gay Panic, Male Fans, and Social Media Boundaries ([74:52]–[75:38])

• Tom: “I’ve never received personal messages from women as aggressively sexual as I have from men.” ([74:41])
• David admits he ditched social media entirely and is at peace with missing out — “I'm sure I would [like TikTok], and occasionally my wife will send me some stuff on Instagram. But I know that the rest of my free time is… scroll…” ([75:31])

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13. TikTok Sideshow: Christina’s Curation with David Cross ([75:48]–[82:30])

• Memorable TikTok Quotes & Reactions:
  • “Guys, I love anal sex as much as the next guy, but I just be crushing butthole.” — @polisher TikTok ([76:17])
    • Christina: “He does love butt pounding. His whole account is dedicated to telling you.”
  • Body mod/tattoo prank: David’s horrified by a guy faking tattooing his face ([78:08])
  • 36-year-old who claims to look 17, much skepticism all around.
  • Eyebrow stencil product gone awry: “She just made herself less feminine.” — David ([81:32])

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14. Perfect Smile Infomercial Mockery & Furry Wisdom ([83:45]–[86:28])

• The crew roasts “Perfect Smile” fake teeth and their horrifying bright red gums.
  • “Perfect smile… yeah, if you want to look like you have gum disease.” — Christina ([85:58])
• Cross on furries & kink: “As long as it doesn’t affect me, you can do whatever you want… but I still think, man, that’s kind of fucked up.” ([86:30])
• Tom: “It’s like when someone’s into scat play. That’s fine, but what’s going on?” ([86:58])

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15. Rule 34, British Sexuality, and Bestiality Bits ([87:17]–[90:56])

• David unpacks UK sexual quirks: “The Brits are really into spanking and sploshing.” ([90:50])
• Discussion of “dogging” (public British sex & voyeurism), Hasidic communities and kink, and bestiality bit premises. “If you live in that kind of, you know, restrictive [community], all the more reason to be like, do what you want to do. Just don’t affect me or my family.” — David ([94:26])

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16. Ultimate Body Modification & Parental Rebellion ([94:49]–[96:10])

• They watch a video of a guy with full face, eye, tongue, and horn body mods. Christina: “All this is just him being like, ‘F you, dad,’” ([95:59])
• David jokes: “Or just trying to get his dad’s approval.” ([96:05])

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17. Odd Bonnets & Overdone Explanations ([96:29]–[97:54])

• The group clowns a woman explaining her sound-sensitive “hyperacusis” and bonnet hobby. Tom and David call her out for inconsistencies (see blender in background).

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18. Ending: Head Strokes, Goodbyes, and Absurdity ([98:17]–End)

• Final TikTok is a painfully earnest song about stroking someone’s head:
  • “If you want me to stop, I can understand. I will be gentle with my two hands.” ([99:06])
• David Cross wraps with thanks and promotional plug for his special.
• Playful jabs and meme-able lines close out the episode.

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Notable Quotes

• On sudden tonal pivots in content:
  • “The craziest pivot to be like, ‘God will provide the things you need,’ … and then, ‘I’ll beat the pussy up and make you bite the pillow.’” — Tom ([10:20])
• On extreme pain tolerance:
  • “He didn’t even wince afterwards… so calm.” — Tom (re: tooth extraction) ([36:33])
• On gold in food:
  • “Now there’s no way you’re like, not taking a peek, wiping your ass, going…I don’t see… panning for gold, kinda.” — Brendan ([62:45])
• On Marina del Rey:
  • “It feels like a place where tier three rich people go.” — Brendan ([68:51])
• On sexual openness:
  • “As long as it doesn’t affect me, you can do whatever you want… It’s so unappealing, it becomes very curious.” — David Cross ([86:30], [87:17])

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• [04:00] Emotional green room & goth music at Comedy Mothership
• [05:36] The agony and beauty of high heels
• [09:59] Uplifting-to-nasty content creator breakdown
• [19:19] Internet dating for old bums
• [24:00] Hammering “wellness” video horror
• [32:26] Paralyzed man accused of murder, “amazing crime” debate
• [36:02] DIY dentistry: pliers tooth pull
• [49:19] Comedy audience: standing venues vs. theaters with David Cross
• [62:28] “Shitting gold” after eating luxury foods
• [69:11] Living on boats in Marina del Rey as a lifestyle
• [76:17] TikTok: “I love anal sex as much as the next guy…”
• [81:32] Eyebrow stencil product disaster
• [85:58] The horror of “Perfect Smile” fake teeth
• [86:30] “As long as it doesn't affect me…” — furries and kink
• [90:50] Brits and the culture of “sploshing”
• [95:59] Mustard/ketchup body modification: “All this is just him being like, ‘You, dad’”
• [99:06] “I will be gentle with my two hands…” song

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Tone & Takeaway

The episode walks the line between shock humor, self-aware cringe, and frank discussion about personal neuroses and cultural absurdities. David Cross brings a dry, deadpan wit, candidly discussing his comedic and academic failures alongside the Mommies’ unfiltered reflections on family, bodily functions, and the weirdest corners of TikTok.

For fans of brutal honesty, awkward humor, and authentic insight into the world of comedy, this episode delivers top-to-bottom. The YMH universe is a place where you’re as likely to learn about bestiality in the Hasidic community as you are to hear heartfelt advice about self-acceptance — and where even shitting gold makes for stand-out comedy.

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(All timestamps MM:SS; Advertisement and intro/outro sections omitted.)

Transcript

[Christina P]

Your mother is doing stand up and I've just added Brea, California, June 5 and 6. Get your [e-mail] well, welcome.

[Brendan Walsh]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. We're going to talk about some hard hitting, real stuff this week. Get ready. There's a crisis happening in the world and we're the place to figure out how to resolve it.

[Christina P]

That's right, Tim.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. So there's a lot of serious issues that we're going to get into on this show. A couple things to, to just let you know the end. Ari Shafir's storytelling show is out. It'[e-mail] right now. We produced it. It's an epic, I believe. Is it six, seven part. How many parts is it? Seven, seven episodes. Crazy lineup. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargazi, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ms. Pat, Chris DiStefano, Ali Siddiq, Jordan Jensen, and so on and so on. I'm in one of the episodes. It's a lot of fun and we, we put a lot into it and it came out amazing. So please check it out if you have not. It'[e-mail] also gene over here is on the road.

[Christina P]

I'm road dogging. I just did Mothership this weekend and thank you to everybody who came out. The shows were extraordinary and it was so much fun and I'm gonna keep it going.

[Tom Segura]

My first tour, doing an hour in a while.

[Christina P]

It's exciting and it's so good. I haven't done stand up in like two years. Yeah, because of that whole Invisalign.

[Tom Segura]

I remember. But now you're talking about talking about

[Christina P]

Invisalign and how hard it was for you to go through that. April 24th and 25th, Earth, Irving, Texas, at the punchline. And then comedy works. Yes, it does.

[Tom Segura]

Comedy and prayer. May 14 and 16 in Denver.

[Christina P]

Sept. 18 and 19th at the Dent theater in Chicago. Illinois is also Illinois. It's Illinois plural. Also, buy your mother some lip shits for mother's day. It's coming upon us. Order it now, right now, in time for the holidays. Get, get all of it. A bundle. Get the liquid lipstick. Get the perfect red.

[Tom Segura]

[e-mail] Exciting stuff.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you what I've been doing?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

When I'm getting ready for ymh, I go live on the Tik Toks. So if you want to find me on I'm the Christina P. Right. I Don't know what the. I am on Tik Tok, and you can watch me put my makeup on, and I listen to really cool tunes, and I talk to you and I tell you stuff.

[Tom Segura]

It's just Christina Pull.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's Christina P. It's the Christina P. On Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Right. My favorite thing is that we share an agent who is kind of a musical savant.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

The guy, he can play piano. He can just hear something and play it. He has this crazy, like, almost like, encyclopedic knowledge of music and history and stories, and anytime your preferences come up, he's like, I don't know what's going on there, man.

[Christina P]

He hates it. He hates my. He hates my music. Hates Bauhaus.

[Brendan Walsh]

What is this?

[Tom Segura]

It's so funny.

[Christina P]

Goth music. Well, I could tell you the most fun I had this weekend was at Comedy Mothership.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Which, as we all know, is. Is owned by the great Joe Rogan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And it's usually the energy is very Joe Rogan. Kettlebells.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Male driven.

[Christina P]

Male driven. God bless him. Love him. Well, this guy took over last weekend.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you did.

[Christina P]

And I don't think Joe would have liked what I did, because I played the gayest, gothiest music.

[Tom Segura]

You played your music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the Yours.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Things that make you. Things that I've been hearing through a shut closet door for years now. I'm like, what is this? Who's dead in there?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then. Yeah. That was your load in music.

[Christina P]

It was so much fun. And. Yeah. And then we were talking about feelings in the green room, which I don't think has ever happened.

[Tom Segura]

Probably not as much. Dudes were feeling.

[Christina P]

Dudes were crying in the green room. We're just talking about life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Listening to the Smiths.

[Tom Segura]

Look at you.

[Christina P]

Look at you.

[Tom Segura]

Look at you.

[Christina P]

You're a baby gorilla.

[Tom Segura]

You're a goth lady.

[Christina P]

I'm a gothic. Can I tell you something? Dice hung out with. With me at the club a few months ago, and he goes, I like what you're wearing. I like that skirt you got to keep wearing. What is that? What is that tool like? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's the man.

[Christina P]

I figure if Dice tells you it's a good outfit.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's cool.

[Christina P]

And he's an iconic outfit guy.

[Tom Segura]

The most iconic. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And it's so much fun. The crowds are great. I made a trans friend in the

[Tom Segura]

front row that's unique.

[Christina P]

We're gonna have coffee, and she's gonna tell me about how she became from a man to a lady.

[Tom Segura]

That's interesting.

[Christina P]

I know. I'm so curious because she's like a hot one. She's not like, not the one where

[Tom Segura]

you're like, you need a consultant.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Not like last week, but since that's

[Tom Segura]

one of the things on the talk. Sometimes we just see like a guy, a guy in just heels and address, and he's just like, I feel strong, I feel good today. And you're like, jesus Christ. Oh, my God. And then people are like, you look beautiful.

[Christina P]

Thank you. No, it's, yeah, it's like a dude like you in heels and a tight pencil skirt. There's that guy in the uk.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm, I'm just shaking my head at the fact that I don't know how somebody who has not worn heels can wear heels.

[Christina P]

It's so hard.

[Tom Segura]

I don't understand.

[Christina P]

I can barely. And I, I, I'm 50 and I can't, I still can't walk in them. It's so hard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Christina P]

Can you try?

[Tom Segura]

I've stood in them before. It really was awful.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, like, you know that kind of thing where you go, let me try this on. And you're like, holy. How does anyone take two steps in this? I, I don't get it. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Did you know that in like the 1700s, 1800s in France that men wore heels?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that was like a. Not like the heels that a woman wears today. Those were like thicker, right?

[Brendan Walsh]

Like wider heels.

[Christina P]

A kitten heels. They're a kitten heel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Not these stiletto things.

[Christina P]

Not the horror stripper heels.

[Tom Segura]

No. The podiatrist in LA told me, he was like, oh, yeah. Like a huge part of my business are women who refuse to stop wearing these. And they just keep damaging their nerves and their feet are just completely destroyed.

[Christina P]

But do look so good.

[Tom Segura]

They look good.

[Christina P]

Heels look amazing.

[Tom Segura]

They look good. And they make, then they elongate the leg.

[Christina P]

Beautiful. Now my mother wore heels everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

Every.

[Christina P]

It's because she was only five foot five maybe, and she felt short. So a lot of times short broads will wear the heels.

[Tom Segura]

All kinds of broads wear heels, though. It's not just short broads, short broads, wide broads, tall broads, they just want to feel like a broad because I guess it does make you feel like a lady.

[Christina P]

You feel like a broad. And my mother would wear those heels to grocery store, to everywhere. She never, never. Not heels and lipstick, red lipsticks like me.

[Tom Segura]

That's a real commitment.

[Christina P]

I know I should get into it. I gotta. But you know what happened? I got that planter's fat shit. Itis in my right foot heels not good for that.

[Tom Segura]

Nope. I don't think your doc would say, put some heels on.

[Christina P]

It'll go right. No, of course it's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta wear, like, ortho shoes.

[Christina P]

That's why it looks terrible now. I wear the ugliest shoes.

[Tom Segura]

They do look awful.

[Christina P]

Awful.

[Tom Segura]

But it's like, what are you going to prioritize looking a certain way or, like, healing yourself pain?

[Christina P]

Yeah, Planners. Fatitis.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. Yep. All right. You ready to start the show? I got a cool clip.

[Brendan Walsh]

Stop teasing me with those eyes.

[Tom Segura]

I eat like I'm starving. I pull her slap ass and I will you like I own you.

[Christina P]

What? What's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Don't make me show you why good girls bite pillows and can't walk straight.

[Brendan Walsh]

This big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone, mother.

[Tom Segura]

He's oily, too. He's oiled up.

[Brendan Walsh]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom.

[Tom Segura]

And the smile doesn't match the message. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P]

I hate this so much. Don't you hate it? Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Feel it in your button. Let it resonate into space.

[Tom Segura]

Can you go to his page to remind people that he also does uplifting messages? Because that's really how he built his following, was this. One day you'll look back and realize,

[Brendan Walsh]

I wasn't the one who got away.

[Tom Segura]

I was the one who tried, the one who stayed, the one who cared when you didn't. And that's the part that hurts the most. You didn't lose me. You lost a version of me you will never get again. Okay, that's a sweet message. But he also does, like. If you go to his page, he also just does things about, like, scroll down. Scroll. Scroll some more. I like when he's, like, well dressed.

[Christina P]

He's so. Look, his legs are oily, too. The whole body's oily.

[Tom Segura]

Like God. Before God elevates there when you scroll up. Like, you know, before God elevates you,

[Brendan Walsh]

he will do three things in your life. One, he will reveal those around you, showing you who is truly for you and who is not.

[Christina P]

He's reading it.

[Tom Segura]

He reads all of them. He always reads.

[Christina P]

Even the horny ones.

[Tom Segura]

I think some of them he reads. But the point is that, like, that is how people were like, oh, this is a nice. This is a nice message. You know? And then he's, like, watching that you're Watching that. And you're like this. I go to this guy's page and he's like, here's some words of wisdom. And then just one day, you're scrolling. And it's like I had her trembling

[Brendan Walsh]

breath moaning between every sound.

[Tom Segura]

She couldn't hold back. I read it close and whispered. He's reading, like, erotic passages.

[Christina P]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't like his shit nailed to his walls, but it's also those nipple pinchers and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

It's also such stupid.

[Brendan Walsh]

I hate it.

[Tom Segura]

A crazy pivot to be like, God will provide the things that you need in this life. And then he's like, I will beat the pussy up and make you bite the pillow. All right, now I'll tell you that story. I got a phone call. One I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, that's right. You. You're not hosting your own show.

[Tom Segura]

They did them dirty. I already figured out a way to put it up somewhere else.

[Brendan Walsh]

You thought about bringing it back? All the time. I need your and Tom's help.

[Tom Segura]

You guys ready for this? Okay. It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here.

[Brendan Walsh]

Shit's about to go down.

[Christina P]

Look.

[Brendan Walsh]

And we're here to talk.

[Christina P]

Paul.

[Tom Segura]

Storytelling show.

[Brendan Walsh]

Telling true, true stories, word for word.

[Tom Segura]

What happened?

[Brendan Walsh]

My favorite.

[Christina P]

Please tell them the story.

[Tom Segura]

My story is a love story. It's about my first bara.

[Brendan Walsh]

Bad first date. About ball football. Got arrested in your pants. What the. What the. What the is going on? That's my story. Don't think about it. Just lay his body. Ah, shucks. Please get it off. Mr. Tony H Club. I'll give you everything. I have them like water. O yeah, Give me all of that.

[Tom Segura]

That would have been the all time best story to tell on this show.

[Christina P]

Listen up. Mommy's. Because Wayday is happening at Wayfair from April 25th through the 27th. This is not a regular sale. I'm talking up to 80% off with free shipping on everything from furniture and decor to home improvement and outdoor essentials. It's all on sale and it ships for free. What I love about Wayfair is how easy it is to filter by style, color, and material, which saves me from spending hours sifting through beige farmhouse or cottage core. And they even have assembly services. So instead of building furniture on a Saturday, I can do what I love most. Hang with my kids and feed squirrels by hand. That's right. Wayfair makes everything so easy. You can find anything you want. Anything at all in your house. I'm talking benches, vases, furniture, all of that stuff. I get that. Wayday is the sale to shop the best deals in home. We're talking up to 80% off with fast and free shipping on everything. You know what I've gotten on Wayfair? I bought not one, two outdoor wooden benches for my front yard. I sit on them every day. Every night I go out there, my kids jump on a trampoline and I sit on my Wayfair wooden bench. It is extraordinary. Head to Wayfair.com April 25th through 27th to shop Wayday. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every home. What do you. What is. Is this like the minister? That's. That's anti any minister. And then. Yeah, like in real life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're gay.

[Christina P]

Like, is. Is he trying to offset his horniness by doing that?

[Tom Segura]

I think it's my thing is like every dude's got an angle, right? And I think he was building a following with this, like, uplifting messages to inspire your soul. Like he has written there. And then he was like, yeah, but that's not really what I really am, this guy. And I want to see who will interact with me if I put this guy out there. So not only am I going to say wild, I'm gonna get butt naked and oil myself. The oil is a real choice.

[Christina P]

And the legs are oiled.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, he's oiled everywhere. And then to be like at the end is the craziest part.

[Christina P]

The weirdest part.

[Tom Segura]

The craziest part is that in this video, he's like teasing me with those eyes. I eat. I eat until whatever. And you're like, yeah, got it. That's cool. And then I don't see the. The scrolling part here. But at the very end, he's just

[Christina P]

like, yeah, I know. The little rascal smile. The little. What's his name?

[Brendan Walsh]

Alfalfa.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

He's like, I didn't do it. Yeah, but I have.

[Tom Segura]

Stop teasing me with those eyes. I eat like I'm starving. I pull her slap ass. There's somebody, by the way, who's only seen uplifting messages from him.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this is the first time they're seeing something else. And they're like, wait, is this the same account?

[Christina P]

It's so dry.

[Tom Segura]

I will you like, got it. What?

[Christina P]

Got it.

[Tom Segura]

Don't make me show you why good girls buy pillows and can't walk straight.

[Christina P]

The smile, it really seals.

[Tom Segura]

It smiles. Incredible.

[Christina P]

I gotta. I And I know that there are women that are like, that's my jam.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Like, what kind of woman is like, that's my jam. Because to me, it's repulsive. I can't even. My vag can't get dry enough when

[Tom Segura]

I hear someone talk like that.

[Christina P]

It's just not.

[Tom Segura]

When you say. Are you saying the gentleman particular, the messaging or what? What's the part?

[Christina P]

I don't like the. I like there to be some pretense of gentlemanliness.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Christina P]

And then if I like the gentleman, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

This is like, I'm going to eat you. It's like. It's like dudes, gay dudes talk to each other that way.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Well, that's the thing is that some. I don't know. It's like, maybe the guy has never had success with the other route. So maybe that's the thing where he's

[Christina P]

like, oh, he's blatant. Any. Any. This guy that's like, stop teasing me with those eyes. I want to lick your. And smash your. Your butthole and spread it open and okay, who is this working for? What type of gal?

[Tom Segura]

Nasty.

[Brendan Walsh]

What you mean?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you think you don't get some. There's some that likes this, for sure. Yeah. I mean, he's right.

[Brendan Walsh]

He's confident. I. I believe his ass.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, I believe them.

[Christina P]

So just nasty.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, just. Just a nasty.

[Tom Segura]

He gets those.

[Brendan Walsh]

Nasty.

[Tom Segura]

Nasty. Yeah, it's a. It's. You're right. Because what girl's gonna be like, what's up? I love that message. Maybe because I think most. I can't speak for women, but I think most want some version of what you're talking about where they're like, I like this person. Therefore, when they talk to me like that, it's a thing. But like, for some random to be like, I eat, like, I'm starving. It's like, I don't think most women would be like, that's exactly what I.

[Christina P]

That's what I mean. Because women can get laid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Anytime, all times or times. I can get laid. I don't need to have it advertised like that. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course. You know what? I personally think what actually happened. I bet he was really, you know, he was on the path of God, right? He was. He was trying to tell you the. The good word. He was trying to give you the psychological, you know, information or whatever. And then it got to a girl

[Brendan Walsh]

and she liked it and she just

[Tom Segura]

happened to be a really nasty bitch. And she gave him the craziest sloppy top that man's ever fucking received. And then all the things she told him to do, he's like, oh, so that's what girls like. And then he lost her. And then he's thinking I'm gonna get one like that by just doing this shit again. That's so it was really that bitch's fault. This is her fault.

[Christina P]

See any knows the minds of the creep. He knows. Exactly. He knows. No, it's because you grew up around creeps. It's not that you're the creep, but if you, if you grew up with creep, you know, creep.

[Tom Segura]

I do think there's something to that. When, when you go this is my public Persona, it's one thing. If you're like this is how I'm in private. When you go this is my public Persona. He's trying to find the thing that he once had. I think that makes sense. He once had that or it could be that he was super godly and then didn't find the type. She's like I'm not like that, I'm not nasty. He's like well that's what I want. I want a nasty ass bitch. So I'll put out some nasty ass messages. Yeah.

[Christina P]

So he is a dichotomy. He's a God fearing man that wants a nasty.

[Tom Segura]

And he literally goes back and forth between the Lord will provide for you. And then he's like when the spread open, I will dig in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

He's both, he's both, he's both.

[Christina P]

He wants.

[Tom Segura]

We are complex individuals, you know, but I get it.

[Christina P]

Like you do want somebody that's got moral Christian values but then you know. Yeah, not someone that's a square.

[Tom Segura]

And maybe that's. He goes, I don't do a gray area, you know, he's like, it's very black and white for me. So he goes to both. Now enough of that, let's just get something a little more sensible going.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yet another one I went against what I said I was going to stand by accepted a new friggin crazy.

[Christina P]

Oh yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And she wanted to go to want me to go to play store and get some other Google chat. I said we're doing fine right here. And she said well are you married? Do you have kids? I said look, I have a daughter and two sons I've never met are in jail.

[Tom Segura]

I was in jail when they were born.

[Christina P]

Oh yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She messaged back about three minutes and

[Brendan Walsh]

responded oh that's nice. I Sent you skis. That's why I. I don't trust you bitches on the Internet. God damn, man. She was. She's gonna try and beg, borrow or steal money out of me and that shit ain't gonna fucking fly.

[Tom Segura]

I told her, you know what?

[Brendan Walsh]

I've been around the block more than once. Hell, I own the damn block.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Don't trust anyone on the frickin Internet. My God.

[Tom Segura]

I got it. Well, there's a thing that he. He doesn't realize he wasn't talking to a woman. Based on his story, he was talking to a foreign man or a bot. And that's why the response was, that's nice. It's not an actual woman that he was talking to, but he just. He's not aware of that. That's pretty cool. He was. I was in jail. That's nice. And he's like, you trying to try to pull one over on me, bitch? Yeah, that's not what actually happened. Anyway, he's. That's our. That's the guitar guy, you know, I

[Christina P]

remember, but I remember he moved the amp last week.

[Tom Segura]

That was a big deal. Yeah. He was like, where am I gonna put this thing?

[Christina P]

Yes. And then he found a new place for the amp. I. I was hoping to get an update on that, on the equipment and.

[Tom Segura]

What is it still behind the couch? Did you put it somewhere else?

[Christina P]

What's going on with the house? I'm tired like a bum Now I'm

[Tom Segura]

gonna live like a hobo that's kind of funny.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I like that.

[Tom Segura]

There's that amp. There's a table.

[Christina P]

Well, he moved it.

[Tom Segura]

Keep. It's the saga that never ends. And then on the next post. I believe that's a receipt. Is that a receipt on the next post there? Yeah.

[Christina P]

No, those are the phone numbers of his friends.

[Brendan Walsh]

I haven't quite written yet. Old stuff from different bands and different

[Tom Segura]

places and different times. Nice. One of my old singers, Trent. That's his number.

[Christina P]

That's his phone number. No area code though.

[Brendan Walsh]

Song lists from different bands.

[Tom Segura]

I've been in. That's cool. Things I need to revisit. I went and that's cool.

[Christina P]

What is he using as a curtain? Go back. One more of the amps, let's look at.

[Brendan Walsh]

I want to have it quite right.

[Christina P]

What is he using as a curtain? Oh, is that a burlap sack?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what that is.

[Christina P]

What could that be?

[Tom Segura]

It's. There's some of the light is out, right? About a quarter of the light that would enter is out of the room. Can you zoom in on that?

[Christina P]

Can you see what that is, world, is he doing?

[Tom Segura]

Good eye, Christine.

[Christina P]

Thanks. Maybe it's a blanket. Oh, it's a. It's a blanket with tassels.

[Brendan Walsh]

I think it might just be, like, window insulation type of stuff. All this stuff here is insulation. And that might just be more like.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder if that's okay to breathe in. That's interesting. That is interesting.

[Christina P]

Of course it is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, that fan looks clean, too. Yeah, he doesn't need to switch out

[Tom Segura]

the air vent, the poor guy filter on that, you know? P803321gmail.com_kufufvr well, I'm interested to see where this amp ends up. And good to see you again. And don't trust those Internet hoes, man. No, yeah. Don't trust them for sure.

[Christina P]

I'm surprised that he's disappointed in that online love.

[Tom Segura]

There's kind of something for this show on the far right.

[Christina P]

What's that?

[Tom Segura]

Well, look at that. Look at that text over there. Hit that. Can you read that?

[Christina P]

I was just informed. My new achievement. Another achievement on one of my reels. Looking for the retarded zombie, huh? Who's the zombie?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. It's all good stuff. All right, so something to cleanse the palette.

[Christina P]

It's a sound of healing. Oh,

[Tom Segura]

That can't be good for you. It can't be like, I don't. I'm not a doctor, but that cannot be to your benefit to hammer something into your. Yeah, but, babe, to your neck or your tailbone.

[Christina P]

This guy's getting new clients, so people are like, you know what you need to do? Go get. Go see this guy. He's going to hammer you. Yeah, Must be back hurts.

[Tom Segura]

Go see. Yeah, that guys. Like. Chill, chill, chill, bro. That's just trauma. It's just trauma. That's trauma on your tailbone.

[Christina P]

Okay, but you're not thinking about the positives.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right up the vertebrae there of the lower back. Your lumbars are all up now. You feel good. Holy.

[Christina P]

Maybe he's breaking apart the fascia. He's breaking things apart. And then they have to re. Maybe growing collagen.

[Tom Segura]

I don't. I don't think that's what's happening.

[Christina P]

This is terrible.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think that's what's happening.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Christina P]

Oh, don't, don't.

[Tom Segura]

Let's see. I'm gonna readjust your. He.

[Christina P]

Tom. Do his. Relief. Sweet relief.

[Tom Segura]

That Is total relief. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Healing sound.

[Tom Segura]

You all better now? You good? I mean, that guy's. First of all, I don't know if he's okay after that. He's staring at. He's like, he does not know what just happened to him. Good Lord. He's so scared. He's so scared.

[Christina P]

I just saw a post on Instagram about this poor man that had the neck adjustment done by a chiropractor and was paralyzed. Of course. Course. And he won how many millions of dollars?

[Tom Segura]

It's like, God, Yeah.

[Christina P]

Damn.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for the check. Totally worth it. I don't know who signs up for the next man. You must be in some type of way, but if you're gonna sign up for that, I've done it.

[Christina P]

Remember that crazy chiropractor in la?

[Tom Segura]

Do I remember? Yeah.

[Christina P]

And he would do it. I know now looking back, we shouldn't have let him do that.

[Tom Segura]

Look how fast my hands are. That's what he would do. He'd go, look how fast. Saying, look at that. I'm like, okay. He's like, you see if. See how fast I move? I go, yeah, I can see that. It's crazy how fast you are. So crazy.

[Christina P]

Why are we going to him? I think, did I have back pain?

[Tom Segura]

After having babies, you went first, and then you and I went after you. And then I remember one time he was, you know, he sat me down and he was like, telling me all about his training and his. And he was. He was like, yeah. You know, a lot of people talk about chiropractors like we're. We're nothing. And I'm like, okay. And he told me about, you know, what he does. And then I remember one time he was going to do a back adjustment and. To do the back adjustment. I don't know the terminology, but they put some type of cream and they kind of, you know.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Prep the area. And so he's doing, like, thumb and scraping. And I go. I'm just face down. I just go, this feels amazing. Like, where you're massaging. And he saw. He goes, I'm not massaging you. And I was like, okay, whatever you're doing feels great. And then he told me, like, the term, like the proper term for what he's doing to prep the area for the adjustment. I was like, got it. He was like, I'm not a fucking massage therapist. Look how fucking fast I am. Okay?

[Christina P]

And he had a dog that was, like, really old and smelly, Remember? And it would breathe next to you, and you're like, Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah, that dude was. But he was really good at his.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Better than this guy.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

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[Brendan Walsh]

Warning.

[Tom Segura]

This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

You see that, that quadriplegic who's been. Who's been charged with murder?

[Christina P]

No. Let's see.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So they charge this guy with murder and everyone's like, he doesn't have hands, right? And then they There's a video out of him doing a headstand, doing a line of coke upside down, and then grabs a gun and shoots it out the window. And there's all kinds of footage of him using guns. It's really crazy.

[Brendan Walsh]

What?

[Tom Segura]

This is the guy here. He's a cornhole player. Like a championship cornhole player. I hate that word, but here's your neck.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I'm losing energy.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing coke. Look for him, right?

[Christina P]

Dang.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, that was perfect. You just.

[Christina P]

It spilled a whole lot.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't give.

[Christina P]

What the.

[Tom Segura]

Some people are like, how. How can this guy shoot somebody? You're like, well, here. Here you go. Yeah, I mean, I also think we should honestly maybe put him in a special category of, like, that's an amazing crime.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I agree.

[Tom Segura]

You know, like, maybe not. Hey, how can we punish this guy? But how can we learn from this guy?

[Christina P]

How can we learn from him? How can we showcase these talents? Why is he just shooting out the wind now?

[Tom Segura]

Because he's on coke and he's like everybody else.

[Christina P]

He lives in a city or. I hope he lives somewhere in rural North Carolina.

[Tom Segura]

Right. There's a bong there, too. That's pretty cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but don't you think it's stupid to assume that, like, handicapped people can't. That's a workaround. That's what they do. You learn to work with what you got.

[Tom Segura]

You're 100% right.

[Christina P]

You know, that's so. Gosh, I wonder what else he can do.

[Tom Segura]

But that's what I'm saying. This guy's attitude is what I'm. Is. I'm what I'm impressed with. I mean, yeah, he killed somebody. Okay, that's bad, but aren't we going to talk about how great of an attitude he has?

[Christina P]

How did he kill them? So. So who did he kill and why?

[Tom Segura]

It's like, when people go like, btk was a terrible serial killer. He was also an incredible city controller. Like, he knew to run things in that city, you know? I know what happened. In March 2026, he was involved in shooting inside a car. Police say he shot and killed his friend, Bradrick Wells during an argument while driving.

[Christina P]

He can drive, too.

[Tom Segura]

I wouldn't be surprised.

[Christina P]

Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

Authorities alleged after the shooting, he drove away with the victim still in the vehicle, and the body was later found nearby. The grand jury indicted him on first degree murder charges and additional charges including firearm use in a violent vehicle, reckless endangerment, gun possession. He could be held without bail. He's being held without Bail, confess, life in prison if convicted. His lawyers are saying it was self defense. Yeah, pretty. Pretty wild. He. Yeah, there's. There's a footage of him hunting, like, going up into tree stands.

[Christina P]

So cool. Can we see that? Like, I like to see how he moves.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Now I'm more curious about what he can do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty amazing, man.

[Christina P]

He sounds like he's got a little

[Tom Segura]

bit of a temperature, I would say. Yeah. Something tells me a bit of a short fuse. What could you be fighting about shooting? Because it's just. It's really nuts to see him handle a firearm. And you're like, yeah, they were having

[Christina P]

an argument while driving, and he shot his friend during an argument.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Like, here he is. Wow. Yeah. Let's see. Everyone's like, how could this guy do it?

[Christina P]

And that's so weird that he's into cornhole. What does that mean? Well, look at some of the videos

[Brendan Walsh]

on your screen right now.

[Christina P]

These are videos that he posted to his personal YouTube channel, which obviously show him loading and firing several shots from a handgun. As you see there, Weber was charged with first and second degree murder. As for next steps in this case, he is waiting to get a great smile back. Definitely. And it's. It's such a funny dichotomy. He's like, I'm into killing people and cornhole.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know. Sort of like David, who's like, the Lord will bless you and I want to eat your ass.

[Christina P]

Yeah. What a wolf.

[Tom Segura]

Weird.

[Christina P]

What a weird set of hobbies.

[Tom Segura]

Complex individuals, you know?

[Christina P]

Jesus Christ. Could you. And by the way, Cornell is the most boring thing on the planet, too.

[Tom Segura]

But the skill for a handless person

[Christina P]

to do that, that's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's all about, like, you know, little movements that you do. That's. I don't know.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm.

[Christina P]

Talented guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's a talented guy. Yeah.

[Christina P]

But he's in jail now, right? He's like, he's in prison.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, look at this guy. He goes hunting. Isn't that photo. I saw footage of him going up in a tree stand.

[Christina P]

He's a wild kid, though.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's cool to put a video of yourself up shooting out a window, though, doing coke. And then.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, to do that and be like, hey, record.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Maybe not record it.

[Tom Segura]

Record the dude. Yeah.

[Christina P]

The. Am I watching bro tooth extraction?

[Tom Segura]

But hold on. This is impressive.

[Christina P]

I can't.

[Tom Segura]

You got it. You got it.

[Christina P]

Oh, was he doing pliers?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, dude.

[Christina P]

Oh, I Heard it snap. Oh.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, God. Toothache gone.

[Tom Segura]

Toothache going, yeah, the toothache goes away when you rip it out with a pair of pliers. A lot of people don't know that this man is.

[Christina P]

Dude, I just got the chills. And he's not high on meth. We saw a fed smoker doing that.

[Tom Segura]

His face is tattooed.

[Brendan Walsh]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

So I would say that he has a tolerance for pain that not everybody can deal with, but. What a fucking animal, dude. So impressive.

[Christina P]

I hope he's drunk at least.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't look like it doesn't look like he's looked like a guy who's like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. And look, he didn't even wince afterwards, you know? Like, he was like. Toothache going, so calm. Wow. I wouldn't want to. I don't know. I feel like you meet someone like this, you're like. No, you're right. You know, like, whatever they. You go, you're right. Yeah. 100%. That is salute, my man. That was impressive.

[Christina P]

Look how big his tooth is, too. Look at those roots. That's a hard pull. Those things are embedded. Those are bones in your jaw, bro.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I would quit so far before. Oh, dude, like, as you. If the first. Yeah, yeah. And also take me to a place where I'm unconscious for this.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina P]

Of course. I don't think I've had a tooth extracted when I was. No, you have to be put under for that. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For an extraction. Or you can just grab a rag and pliers, pull it out of your fucking mouth. Yeah. Again, though, I think. I think the face tap reveals a lot.

[Christina P]

But hold on. How much pain is he in?

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes the toothache is unbearable. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Now hold on, though, too, that the bacteria is still in the mouth. So the reason they don't. They clean that out and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

In a professional environment, they would. Yeah, Yeah.

[Christina P]

I hope he swishes some Listers.

[Tom Segura]

He's probably gonna rinse. I assume he rinsed after this, some salt water. He just goes, well, that's not a fun video to watch. I'll show you the cool part. What is the tattoo of?

[Christina P]

It's a Maori tribal, maybe, I would say. Right. Like New Zealand.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he. Yeah. You're 100. Right. But I'm saying, do you see the. What's the imagery that we're seeing on the side?

[Christina P]

It's a gallbladder or a liver.

[Tom Segura]

Huh.

[Christina P]

I don't know what it is. Looks terrible, though.

[Tom Segura]

Is it a fish? I don't know.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't See, like a, like a goldfish.

[Tom Segura]

It can't be that. Is it this fish? Oh, look at his face.

[Christina P]

It is not that heavy.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy how strong they are.

[Christina P]

That is a tuna, right?

[Tom Segura]

It's amberjack.

[Christina P]

Oh, amber Jack.

[Tom Segura]

You know how good he's gonna feel killing that thing? He's gonna be like this guy. I reeled in a 26 pound amberjack like 25 years ago in Florida, like off the coast. And the struggle was so intense and so long. And you go, that's it. It's 26 pounds. And then you see people that reel in 150 pound fish and you're like, I don't understand. That thing right there that weighs. What is that. That thing weighs 20 pounds.

[Christina P]

Yeah. So it's like a one, like a baby.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm saying it's the, the strength, like the.

[Christina P]

Yeah, their muscle.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God, his face. He looks like he's in so much pain.

[Christina P]

Well, sometimes too. They got, you know those spikes on around the back, the. You know what I'm saying? Like the scales can puncture your hand too.

[Tom Segura]

I thought we were gonna. Because he looked like he was struggling. I thought we were just gonna watch him turn and like drop it into like a, like a grinder type of thing and just be like, you.

[Christina P]

I know. Well, I would say, I would throw the fish on the floor and try to crack its skull. Wouldn't you do that? Like just smack it on the ground or something? Throw it. Can you just throw it?

[Tom Segura]

I'm surprised that it ends here. You would think that it's going to be, you know, I thought he's going to lay it on a table or

[Christina P]

something and then smash its head.

[Tom Segura]

Smash his head maybe. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Because you don't have to eat the head of the amberjack, right?

[Tom Segura]

You certainly don't have to part.

[Christina P]

You want.

[Tom Segura]

That's not the part that most people are going for. Yeah, they want that, that meaty, fatty body. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Damn good fish, bro.

[Tom Segura]

All right, why don't we take a quick break, okay. And we'll be right back.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

We are back with one of our all time favorites. You can watch his new special, the End of the Beginning of the End, which is out now on YouTube. It's David Cross, everybody.

[Brendan Walsh]

Hey, thank you for having me. Now I'm curious. This was a co production with somebody. Do you know, does it. Is that information up there?

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't say that there. It's here. So David Cross is partnering with 800 pound Gorilla Media and YMH.

[Brendan Walsh]

What Image Studios Is that cool?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay, so this special is produced by ymh.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. And YMH stands for your mama's place. They got the H and the P.

[Tom Segura]

They got the H and the P wrong.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we did. We produced this. We produced the special with you and 800 pound gorilla.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you shot in Athens, Georgia. Home of what, you grew up near there or in Athens?

[Brendan Walsh]

No, I grew up in Atlanta. A little outside of Atlanta, but yeah, I went to Athens. A bunch all my friends from high school, all of them went to uga. And then I. I applied and I got denied.

[Tom Segura]

I had that happen at Denver University.

[Brendan Walsh]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

That was the only place I wanted to go. Because I visited Denver at some point in high school, and I was like, I love the city.

[Brendan Walsh]

And where'd you grow up? Wait, you grew up?

[Tom Segura]

I moved around a lot, but by the time I was in. I was in high school in Florida, and I was like, I just want to go to Denver. Yeah, I applied and this is so humiliating. I applied and I told my high school best friend that I was applying. So he's like, I'll apply. And this box of rocks gets in. Right. So this is. That. That's not the humiliating part. You know, Big head.

[Christina P]

Yeah. So that one got in.

[Tom Segura]

He got in. And he had a lower sat, but a higher gpa. And then I did not know this. My dad wrote them.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

A letter.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, that's humiliating.

[Tom Segura]

That's to reconsider. And they were like.

[Brendan Walsh]

They wrote it back.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no, he'. Dumb.

[Brendan Walsh]

And then.

[Tom Segura]

And I. I got to see that letter. I was like, what is this? He's like, oh, I tried to get you in. I was like, it is sweet.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's very nice. But he also wanted you out of the house. But also. And far away.

[Tom Segura]

So far, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And. And what was it?

[Tom Segura]

Denver University. Yeah. Du.

[Brendan Walsh]

I've never even heard of Denver. No.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I only knew about it because a guy that was a. A year above me was going. So I found out that he was. I was like, I didn't know there was even a school there.

[Brendan Walsh]

What. And what were you going to major in?

[Tom Segura]

Just something dumb. Communications. You know, the. The easy communication.

[Brendan Walsh]

What does that even mean?

[Tom Segura]

I have a major in it. I don't know. So you have a degree? I have a degree.

[Brendan Walsh]

So where'd you go to school?

[Tom Segura]

One of the most elite universities in the country. Lenor Rhy College.

[Brendan Walsh]

Lenor Ry.

[Tom Segura]

Uhhuh. You know, Harvard. Lenore Ryan. Princeton, Yale.

[Brendan Walsh]

Lenore Ryan? Yeah, she lives on. I know where she is. She's off of, like, Olympus or something like that.

[Tom Segura]

She's solid.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And she started a school, and I went there in communications.

[Christina P]

What did you. What was your SAT score?

[Brendan Walsh]

I remember it. It was 1070.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Brendan Walsh]

Well. But all. Almost all of it was, like, verbal and zero. Nothing. I mean, my math dragged me down, but I. I also. And my GPA was kind of average, you know, not necessarily. And again, I got. I actually got a F in algebra. Algebra. Because I pleaded with my teacher to not give me an incomplete. Like, I can't go to school. And little did I know that I wasn't. I would end up not attending school, really. But I was like, please just change it to an F. You know, just so I.

[Tom Segura]

Please fail me.

[Brendan Walsh]

Please fail me. And. Yeah, and in all things, you know, math just dragged me down.

[Tom Segura]

But same dude, same.

[Christina P]

We're both retards and math.

[Brendan Walsh]

And I had the kind of. The. Not foresight, but the idea. By the time I was in, I don't know, 11th grade or so, it's like, everyone's using calculators. And why do I need. If I'm clearly showing an aptitude in this other completely different world, which is also important, and I'm never gonna need to know cosines, ever, Ever, Never, never. So why. Why are you putting this onus on this thing that is preventing me from going to school, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

For this other thing that I, I. And. And. And by the time you. We were like, in 10th grade, your people are using calculators, and like, I know how to push buttons, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Did you have the mind. I had the mind of freshman year. I failed algebra. And the guy was like, it's crazy. Like, you're. I. I can't believe how bad you are at this. Like, you had.

[Brendan Walsh]

Wait, you had fresh algebra. And freshman year.

[Tom Segura]

Freshman year, we had algebra one.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, that's early.

[Tom Segura]

And then I failed.

[Brendan Walsh]

You're talking about high school.

[Tom Segura]

High school. Yeah. And that's really early. Was like, wow. Like, you're just like, your. Your special needs. And I was like, cool. And then sophomore year, you go into. We have geometry, and I was like, oh, here's another math, and I get a B plus. And they're like, hey, good. Well, those are two different things. They are. But that's. Those are the math requirements, I'm saying. So in my head, I'm like, I'm bad at math. And then I'm like, I guess I'm okay at math. And then even though I failed algebra one freshman year, Junior year, they're like, now you're in Algebra two. Failed it again. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And then senior year, they were like, you just have to go into, like, the class with the seventh graders and just see if you can.

[Brendan Walsh]

Did you nail it?

[Tom Segura]

I think I got it.

[Brendan Walsh]

Was it like a Happy Gilmore situation?

[Tom Segura]

It kind of was.

[Brendan Walsh]

Billy Madison, I should say.

[Tom Segura]

They were just like, just sit in this class so we can pass you, dude.

[Christina P]

I was so stupid in algebra. I took algebra 1a and as a whole year, and then 1b as a second year.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So. But like, when I graduated, yeah, as a senior, I finally got to algebra 2.

[Tom Segura]

So I think, what kind of me that year is that? Freshman year, I moved. So when I moved to the new school, that's where I'm coming in the middle of the year. And they're like, we're in this part of algebra. And I'm like, I don't. I don't know any of this.

[Brendan Walsh]

Were you public school? I was.

[Tom Segura]

I transferred from a public school to a private school, and that was all

[Brendan Walsh]

public school and Georgia public schools were not. We're not the best. Yeah, I. It, It. It still bothers me. And it's something as. As I. You know, my. My daughter goes to public school and she's very. She's only in third grade, but I'm keeping an eye out for, you know, going, listen, when to. To figure out when she'll be old enough to understand what this means and how to apply it and say, I don't give a shit about math, Okay? I just want you, you know, right now she needs to know the basics. You know, adding, subtracting, division, percentages, stuff like that. But there's going to be a point in the near future where I'm like, just get a D. Get a D and you'll be fine. And I'm serious. I don't want you to worry about this shit. I want you to concentrate on this stuff. And I will say that to her, you know, when it's. When it's time for sure.

[Christina P]

But that's why college is great, because I.

[Brendan Walsh]

She's not gonna go to college. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Let's be real.

[Brendan Walsh]

Fuck that.

[Christina P]

But then you can just do what you're good at. And then they make you take, like, one statistics class, which I barely got through. I paid my friend in beer to do my homework for me, and that's

[Tom Segura]

it all the way to senior year in college without taking a math. A math course. Because I was like, I should stay away from those. And they're like, you need to take this minimal requirement. And I started taking it, and I was like, I'm gonna fail this. And then I learned that the professor, who's a real, like, folksy guy, I heard him one time talking about boats, and then I was just like. I would go up to him and be like, I like boats. And then I bought him a boating magazine. And then he passed me.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, that easy. It was boating magazine.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, I love this stuff,

[Christina P]

man, but what a great life lesson. That's how you actually operate in real life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I just. I lubed him up a little bit.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like.

[Christina P]

Yeah, Greased is behind.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I was gonna say in. Because I saw an advent. I saw the special before it went public. You are able. Do you enjoy a standing crowd? Because. Oh, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, I did that. That's a conscious effort. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What. What was the thought like? Did you. What first time? Was there a first time? You're like, I want to try this. Well, it's a very rock club feel.

[Brendan Walsh]

Right? Yeah. When I first. When I did my first tour that went. That was beyond, like, you know, clubs. Right. You know, I headlined clubs at that. But then I did a tour that was just a band. Friends of mine, we had a. We had a van and just like,

[Tom Segura]

shut up, you baby.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, it resulted in that. Yeah. But the first tour was kind of up and down the East Coast. It was a band opening up for me in music venue. In a music venue. And then there'd be. They do 30, 45 minutes, and then there'd be no intermission. They. They'd bring me on, and I just go. And. And it was great. And it. It. I did that tour, and then Sub Pop reached out and said, hey, you want to do a bigger, more, you know, extensive US Tour and we'll record it and we'll put out an album. I was like, yeah, great. That was shut up, you baby. But all the same thing was. It just is a different energy. And you can. Your relationship with the audience is completely different. You should say completely different. You feel like they're more engaged.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, they are.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, sure. And it's not. It's not that they're in, you know. Nothing against theater shows. I've done plenty of them. I've done specials in the theater, and it's not a bad thing. It's just different. And the last two or three tours, two tours ago, I. I said, I'm going to go back to this thing that I used to do. And I am. I I used a booking agent that was just did music, didn't do comics, and I went with arrival and they were great and, and, you know, did some theaters, but I'd say half of the shows were in a music venue where it's standing and they know what I want and they tell them up front and, and you know, you do those theater shows and you see, depending on what you ask for, you see the first three, four rows maybe before the light drops out. And sometimes the lights are so glaring. That's why I wear a hat sometimes, just to cut the glare of those lights so I can see people and, and you know, they're paying attention and it's, it's, it's good, it's fun, but it's a different type of show.

[Tom Segura]

Do you make them stand even if they have like, Ms. Or they're like in a chair?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I, what I do is I have a minder, what I call a minder. And the minder will come over and not allow them to sit. If they, if the minder feels like they're lazy. Lazy, then yes, they will. They'll actually, they have a really mild, super mild Taser. Get them up, get them up. Yeah, kind of like cattle prod think. Yeah, it gives them some room, you know, to distance themselves. And I love that. Yeah. Tase it up and, and then I, I will give out. Part of my merch is Tasers with my face on them, you know?

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then feels like you, it feels on brand.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was, that was my high school nickname.

[Tom Segura]

And here comes Taser down the hall.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, it comes Tasing, Dave. Yeah, it's great. And I, I, I urge you to try it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm definitely going to.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, not the Taser. The, the music venue.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the music venue.

[Brendan Walsh]

Standing. I'm telling you, you, you won't want to go back.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's, it's just a fun. That's not true. You will want to do theaters because they're more lucrative, but the rock scene do a couple of them and it's just a. I feel like the goth

[Tom Segura]

queen here would be into this.

[Christina P]

I've done the bell house. Yeah. Brooklyn. That's standing room.

[Brendan Walsh]

Well, they put chairs out though, too.

[Christina P]

Oh, I think when I did it, they were, people were standing and I just felt bad for them the whole time because I, I, I'm like, oh, my God. Because I know that I, there's a band I want to see here. And I'm like, oh, but do I have to stand. But I'm also, well, 50.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know what I get, I get that. But also all I. I can't speak for y', all, but my. A lot of my audience is, you know, roughly my age and they are into music and they know what they're getting. It's like, you know, it's not a big deal to stand for 90 minutes, especially when you have beers and they've gone to plenty of music shows and stuff, so.

[Christina P]

Because your demo's like the cool. Yeah, like the band.

[Brendan Walsh]

I got the cool.

[Christina P]

I like music. Yeah, I get it. Mine's like, I. Let's lay down. Tired. If I could, I would let them fully lie down.

[Tom Segura]

I have a.

[Brendan Walsh]

More yoga show.

[Tom Segura]

I know when I'm walking through an airport or a mall and I see like a generally unhealthy looking middle aged guy, like, what's up, man? I can always tell. You look like you need to go to the doctor. Things are kind of off. And then he's like, Tom. I'm like, there it is. I knew it was gonna happen. I could see it.

[Brendan Walsh]

When you look at your audience, what do you, what do you see?

[Tom Segura]

The funny thing is you walk out, you, you, you. Actually, I've told her this for you. It's always surprise. It's not always 100%, you know, like. So once I say, like, still to this day, I see people gauges, you know, the door knocker tatted up. And I'm like, I didn't expect you here. Then you see. Yeah, people like, of my age range. Then you'll be surprised. I'll get surprised that I'll see people like in their 20s, you know, sometimes couples or dudes together. And then. Yeah. And then like a bulk of it, like just feels like they look like kind of like you. Like they look like they.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, like I get. Yeah, I get that. I get a lot of Brian Posein.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Looking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Guys.

[Brendan Walsh]

A lot of them and. And a lot of

[Christina P]

looking again.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I get a lot of those guys. I get a lot of me. Yeah. And sometimes like the gay version of me.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And then a lot of like tatted up. Kind of feminist. Younger feminists.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And then what's surprising, I guess, but shouldn't be starting a couple tours ago, kids that were brought and are there with their parents, like teenagers or, you know, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. And then like, yeah, I brought my kids. And yeah, that's happened more.

[Tom Segura]

I told you this on the last, like when you were here. But like for you and I, that your. That album was like as we were baby comics. So it was super influential for us.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, good.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Happy to hear that.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, we were just like obsessed with that dude and then.

[Brendan Walsh]

Well, I think. But you can hear. Sorry to interrupt. But you can hear the aspect that I'm talking about. That was all music venues. Yes, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Brendan Walsh]

And so. And I think the bulk of it was from Portland, the show in Portland and a show in Atlanta, and then the Portland show was at the Crystal Ballroom. That was all standing. You know, that girl was like, let me feel it or whatever that thing, that part. She was right there at the stage. And, you know, when you, if you're at the front of the stage, you got there.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, two hours ago. And, and I know that I've been that person, you know, and you just, again, it's just a different energy and it's, you know, it's.

[Christina P]

It's uniquely David Cross.

[Brendan Walsh]

For sure.

[Tom Segura]

It does.

[Brendan Walsh]

I think more and more people are gonna do it.

[Christina P]

I hope so.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, God.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Don't.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, also there's that part in the. The show, in the special where I'm talking about climbing Machu Picchu with Bob Bonekirk. And there's that interaction with a guy who's right there. I mean, he's too deep. He's right. You know, I could touch him and. And that wouldn't have happened in the theater.

[Christina P]

That's.

[Brendan Walsh]

I mean, if. If it did, I'd be talking in the dark and you wouldn't hear the person, really. And it would. It would end up probably being cut because it would be fun in the show, but you wouldn't hear it. You wouldn't see it.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Brendan Walsh]

And this guy's right there.

[Christina P]

You know what, David Cross? I'm going to do standing room only from now on.

[Brendan Walsh]

You don't have to do it now and try it once.

[Christina P]

I'm going to have Mothership remove the seating and then you should book a

[Brendan Walsh]

venue, I'm telling you. And, and if, when you do it, get in touch and let me know how it went and how it felt.

[Tom Segura]

And if they hated it, it's your fault. You know, when you, when you have like a real assh At a show and they're seated, there's something about, like, depending on the venue and the situation, everything of happening in that moment, person still has like their space of their seat. But I bet when they're standing and people are around them, they get it more from the people around them.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. Probably, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I would think that people would just be like, the, are you doing, man?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. They feel more comfortable and, and they would feel it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, intensely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting. It's interesting part of it. Okay, so make sure you guys check out the special. The end of the beginning of the end. You always do this thing too where like, because the, when the special starts, you go on this bit that you always like. I love that. I've always felt like you will take people on a long ride of before

[Brendan Walsh]

the, A long, meandering, boring ride. No, it's so good.

[Tom Segura]

No, of like where, like, as you're watching and you're listening, you just keep leaning forward because you're like, where, where. Because all you always want is surprise. Like, you want surprise.

[Brendan Walsh]

I mean, I, I, that's, I think, you know, there's some things I'm good at, some things I'm not good at. And as far as standup and I think that's one of the things I'm pretty good at.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Right.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, I don't know the, what's like, still to this day, like, is he serious?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Brendan Walsh]

Gonna be heavy. Oh, I get it.

[Tom Segura]

Your deadpan is like unlike anybody's, like, where you're like, I wait, maybe he really feels this way.

[Brendan Walsh]

I think I, the, the, I think the joke that ends up with the punchline the entire time there was a rock in my shoe is what made my wife marry me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Brendan Walsh]

That was. Yeah, she. That pulled her in.

[Christina P]

I loved it. They're mining gold to get the medicine for Susu. The medicine for Susu. And then the gold fleck ends up on your dessert and then it out and that's that. And you're like, I always think and because since that joke, every time I see a gold fleck on a dessert, I think about your bit and how exorbitant and that is.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's crazy. It's so stupid. There are places, you know, New York has them, certainly Las Vegas, where it's like, no shit. It's like the Thousand Dollar burger.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Brendan Walsh]

And it's, you know, it's $100 of it is the quality of the meat, right? Or the food or like the. And then $900 of it is. And we dip it in gold. And then there's some fucking asshole who's like, it thinks that makes them cool or like, and they're just eating.

[Tom Segura]

What are you going to get, golden dipped? I'm getting the Thousand Dollar Burger.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm getting the hundred dollar burger.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking loser.

[Brendan Walsh]

Tastes the same.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Look at this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's real.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, it's a real thing. They have them all over the place. Yeah. What is this? What does that say? The glam burger, 1770.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Cause I'm a. I'm not a piece of.

[Christina P]

Look it.

[Brendan Walsh]

Look, it's the.

[Christina P]

I mean, worth it.

[Tom Segura]

You think? The person that orders that goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not gonna tip you 20 on that. I'm gonna tip you on the meat. The meat was like 100 bucks.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

It's just the bunny.

[Brendan Walsh]

What if you just gave them bun? This is your tip.

[Christina P]

I think there's caviar on that too, though.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck yeah, dude.

[Brendan Walsh]

Caviar, bacon. I mean, who doesn't like caviar and bacon and gold.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know how anyone can. I wonder what it's like to look at this and not know if you're going to have diarrhea. Because I know that it's going to

[Brendan Walsh]

be so you have to now look at your shit. Yeah. Yeah. You eat that golden burger. Yeah. And now there's no way you're like not taking a peek, wiping your ass, looking at it, going, I don't see panning for gold. Kinda.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

In a way that's so true.

[Christina P]

That might be the only reason to consume a gold.

[Brendan Walsh]

Honey, get in here. Yeah. Or you eat it, don't tell anybody, and then you take a shit and you're like, wow, I'm made of magic. I'm shitting gold. Can you. I don't know who the person is who's doing operating that thing. Can you look for other golden foods and see what they've got?

[Tom Segura]

Golden flaked foods, maybe, you know, golden.

[Christina P]

The flex on the dessert.

[Brendan Walsh]

Always fancy golden.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

What's that? Gold sushi.

[Christina P]

You need it.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's insane.

[Christina P]

You need gold sushi.

[Tom Segura]

What happens when you eat gold?

[Christina P]

I mean, just right, isn't it a metal golden body can't be good.

[Brendan Walsh]

Wait, I have to go look at this. Sorry. Hang on one second.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

All right. Golden donuts. Golden ice cream.

[Tom Segura]

Golden ice cream. Golden lamb shank is nice. Very nice.

[Christina P]

That looks disgusting.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they skimped on the gold. A gold cake. Oh, my birthday's Thursday.

[Brendan Walsh]

Is it really? Yeah, I just had my birthday.

[Tom Segura]

Happy birthday.

[Brendan Walsh]

Happy birthday, man.

[Tom Segura]

Did you eat gold?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I had gold. Well, no, actually, to be honest, I ate a diamond. Oh. I just swallowed a diamond. Marathon man. Just.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Brendan Walsh]

Had a couple diamonds.

[Tom Segura]

What a way to celebrate.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's really cool because you're not a loser.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, no, no, no, no. It's what smart, fancy, worthwhile people do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And I still haven't out and I've been. My birthday was on 4th and I've been like having. You know, sifting because it's a small diamond, it's not huge, but. Your ring.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Fancy. I love that.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine eating that.

[Brendan Walsh]

How much? I. No, not in one. Not.

[Christina P]

Did you eat this? What if we broke it up and I smash it with a hammer?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah. I could do it that way. I would sprinkle it on like a power smoothie.

[Tom Segura]

That's such a good idea.

[Christina P]

Then imagine sifting through your brown to find.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah. No, I mean I'm still looking and you know, and I. I've gotten to the point where I can't. I don't in water anymore. I just. In a sieve, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Smush it down.

[Tom Segura]

Do you call in the wife and daughter every time you like? Let's see if it's here. You know, I have them help.

[Brendan Walsh]

That's cool.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah. And then wash up obviously. Of course, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Brendan Walsh]

How much. How much did that set you back?

[Christina P]

$100.

[Tom Segura]

This is for 63, I think.

[Brendan Walsh]

Ty, it's beautiful.

[Christina P]

Thank you.

[Brendan Walsh]

I mean that is a. That is a. I never notice wedding rings.

[Christina P]

Try it on.

[Tom Segura]

Gumball. It's a gumball.

[Brendan Walsh]

See?

[Christina P]

See what it feels like.

[Tom Segura]

David, it's a gumball machine.

[Christina P]

Put that ice on it.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, that's heavy.

[Tom Segura]

Eat it. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Brendan Walsh]

You have some dainty fingers. I can't even get this on my page.

[Christina P]

I'm such a lady. You like that?

[Brendan Walsh]

I kind of like it.

[Christina P]

I know it's fun. I.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, some weight to it.

[Christina P]

It's fun. And the older I get, I like wearing this stuff. And the secret is just to wear it. Because my mother had a lovely collection of jewelry. And when she died, I found it in a bag hidden in the back of her closet. And I was like, oh, that's so messed up.

[Brendan Walsh]

Was there any around it? She. She.

[Christina P]

She scraped it off. Yeah, she. She into them and yeah, I had to mine through it all. But I thought what a waste. Like if you're going to have fancy, just wear it. Cuz there. There is no special occasion. Every day is a special occasion. So I wear ridiculous things a lot.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I hear you. But maybe she was afraid of getting mugged.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that too. But she. She lived in Marina Del Rey. Like she wasn't.

[Brendan Walsh]

She wasn't. So that's not going to happen.

[Christina P]

It's not going to happen. We weren't destitute. Yeah, yeah. She was just paranoid Eastern European.

[Brendan Walsh]

That Marina Del Rey is such an interesting, weird, boring. It to me, like, when I hear about people growing up there, it's kind of like Roosevelt Island. Like, I know a guy who. Born and raised Roosevelt island, which is that little island in between Manhattan and Queens, Brooklyn, Queens. And you know, they have a little tram there. You've seen it, you know.

[Christina P]

Is that where the Statue of Liberty lives?

[Brendan Walsh]

No. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Not just math.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I've never heard of this place.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's all right.

[Christina P]

So you told us. You will.

[Brendan Walsh]

See, it's. It's like that. So. Yeah, you see that. It's a 59th street bridge.

[Tom Segura]

And

[Brendan Walsh]

so they have their own school system, hospital, all that stuff. And it's always. It's just one of those. But you have to take a tram to get there. It's just a weird, like, wow, you grew up there, you were a kid, you were a preteen, you were a teenager. What is that like? And I. And that's. Marina Del Rey is such a strange.

[Tom Segura]

You said you know a guy from there?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is it? Did you, like, what's your assessment of him as someone who grew up there?

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, he's awesome. He's one of the founders of Kickstarter.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Brendan Walsh]

And he's. He's great. He's a super cool guy. Really good morals and ethics and he's just a good, decent person.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Marina Del Rey is alarmingly boring, I

[Brendan Walsh]

would say, like, it's like it's unto itself. It's got that weird. Because it's a little bit touristy for weird tourists.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, I shouldn't say weird, but to go there as, you know, if you're in LA for whatever, you know, five, six, seven days, and you make Marina Del Reyes stop, it's very strange.

[Tom Segura]

That's a strange choice.

[Brendan Walsh]

And.

[Tom Segura]

And just living there, Hollywood and Highlands, where it's at, man, you want to go to LA and have a good time, you got to go to Hollywood.

[Christina P]

Planet Hollywood.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Also there's a Cheesecake Factory there that people really love in Marina Del Rey makes total sense. That's it.

[Brendan Walsh]

It feels like a place where tier three rich people go, yeah, that's a really good.

[Christina P]

That's totally it.

[Brendan Walsh]

They have a boat. They don't have a massive boat. They have a boat. And there's nothing wrong with that. And then they hang out there and they go to the Cheesecake Factory. And they go back to their boat.

[Christina P]

And you can live on your boat.

[Brendan Walsh]

And you can live on your boat.

[Christina P]

I think people want to live on the boat, and that's why they dock it in Marina del Rey and then go to the Cheesecake Factory.

[Brendan Walsh]

Trippy. Because I've shot there a bunch on the arrested. We shot.

[Christina P]

Oh, really?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, we shot there all the time. And. And, you know, I lived near there, like Venice, Santa Monica when I was working on the show. And I. Or my wife's, you know, who was then girlfriend's place and in Venice and. And, you know, you're always passing it. It's just never a place you would ever turn your car towards.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Go in and go. And you walk around, go. Why? And they're tourists there.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like the only time I was really there was. There was always like a meeting, like offices, places, had their headquarters or their offices there for me.

[Brendan Walsh]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, there would always be like, these. Yeah, there's a couple. Like, you know, not like studio, like Paramount Studios, but like, we have the. Our. The. The VR place. The. The place that does the VFX for this. They all have, like, places in Marina Del Rey. Yeah. I don't know.

[Christina P]

I remember when you lived in Los Feliz a million years ago, and before I was a comedian and I was just a super fan, and I would see you at the coffee place. At the coffee next door to the Electric Lotus.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, yeah, the Onyx. Is that the Onyx Room, right?

[Christina P]

No, it's a coffee place. I. I don't remember, but I remember being like, oh, my God.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, yeah. I lived. I. I only. Until I, you know, moved away and then had to come back for work. I only lived in Los Feliz and Silver Lake.

[Christina P]

We were too. We were hardcore East Siders.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. And then where'd you all live?

[Tom Segura]

We lived on Silver. I lived on Silver Lake Boulevard once, and then I lived on Hyperion.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, right on. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And it's a. It was one of the few. Was that it? Onyx Lounge?

[Christina P]

No, it was next to the Electric Lotus Indian Restaurant. It was a coffee. It wasn't that. It's just some shit coffee.

[Brendan Walsh]

I thought that was the only.

[Christina P]

No, no, Mommy. It was some really independent. It was just a hole in the wall, literally, like a long, narrow building. And I would walk through it and I'm like, oh, there's David Cross, like, writing jokes. You're just quietly to yourself, oh, I

[Brendan Walsh]

thought it was a show.

[Christina P]

Weird. No, you. I think you were just writing, reading or Doing your thing. And I would never bother you, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Well, thanks for not putting in your face if you did.

[Christina P]

Do you remember Tim Tam when we lived in Silver Lake, we lived on Hyperion and you had to walk past the hardcore gay bar to go to MJ's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Rim job Tuesdays. Yeah, of course.

[Brendan Walsh]

Wait, which. Which there are a couple hardcore.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But MJ's had rim job Tuesdays on their sign.

[Brendan Walsh]

Are you serious? Where's this on Hyperion.

[Tom Segura]

So on the, on the. So on the right side, if you're walking across from. Trying to go towards like G is on the right. Okay. Water Village is behind. Behind me.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're walking down G's on your right. On your left hand side there's something. There's a cheese shop.

[Christina P]

Cheese shop.

[Tom Segura]

And then there's.

[Brendan Walsh]

There's Trader Joe's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. On the same side of the street as Trader Joe's.

[Brendan Walsh]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But before you would get to Trader Joe's, there it is.

[Christina P]

Rim job every Tuesday.

[Tom Segura]

Every Tuesday. And then they had a picture of a guy's behind the bar.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh my gosh, that is hardcore.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then one time I met a friend for coffee there and there's signs in the. In the restroom like, hey guys, don't in here. Would you please not have sex in here?

[Tom Segura]

This is the.

[Brendan Walsh]

Specifically. Todd. Todd.

[Christina P]

We know Todd.

[Tom Segura]

And Bruce.

[Christina P]

Bruce. Bruce is the guy's name.

[Tom Segura]

I just told this story yesterday that how when they close, when MJ's closed, that's when Brendan Walsh put up the sign that Silver Lake Gun club is coming. And he put it up over there like, like on the property and then built a website. And so then locals would be like, we don't. And he had a phone number so people would be like, we don't want a gun club here. And so he'd be like, too fucking bad. Like just things are changing, upset people.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, Rim. That's great.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Rim job every Tuesday. You know, it was so fun. There was always a line of dudes outside having this place.

[Brendan Walsh]

I love, I love a good, straight, friendly gay bar.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever go to the gym that was on that street right down the street. Bodybuilder gym. It was old school.

[Brendan Walsh]

Different kind of experience with gay men that I would am looking for.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's. It was. There are straights and gays there. And the smell was gay.

[Brendan Walsh]

And.

[Tom Segura]

And by that I mean intense BO everywhere. And everyone be like, that's right, I smell you like that. You're like, dude, yeah, Come on, man.

[Brendan Walsh]

Like, you shouldn't say that.

[Tom Segura]

You had.

[Brendan Walsh]

The last thing I would say.

[Christina P]

It was intense there because there were bears.

[Tom Segura]

They're building their musk.

[Christina P]

Building their musk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. No, that's not my.

[Christina P]

What do you mean? That's not your.

[Brendan Walsh]

Let's just not. God, you know? Not anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know, I got a kid now. I got a.

[Tom Segura]

You getting a massage today? Like, what? Mike's here. It's amazing. Are you done with the machine?

[Christina P]

They loved you at that place, though. You had a lot of fans.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, yeah, I bet. Yeah. You got bare. You got a bare look. Because I get the same thing. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I have. I still get the occasional person who's disappointed that I'm not gay. I still do. Like somebody like. Oh, you're not. I thought.

[Christina P]

For sure.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, for sure. I thought we were gonna get to. All right, all right. You know, you must get that.

[Tom Segura]

I've had it a few times. I've also never, ever received a message from a woman, ever, that was aggressive in a sexual sense, like I have for men.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, I've opened my.

[Brendan Walsh]

Because men are more honest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Men are just like, bro, love to put my face in your asshole. Like, okay.

[Christina P]

You never got messages like that.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, but I don't. I'm not. I'm not talking, like, DM stuff like that. I'm talking about, like, personal interactions. I'm never on. I'm never on social media. Yeah, I got rid of it back in. I can't remember, but it was ring.

[Tom Segura]

Feels good.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You don't even like TikTok. Hold on.

[Brendan Walsh]

Nope. I don't. I'm not saying I don't like it. I just don't.

[Christina P]

Maybe haven't seen the right kind.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm sure I would. And occasionally my wife will send me some stuff on Instagram. Right? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And I'll. I'll go. God damn it. Because I know that the rest of my free time is. I'm gonna look at the thing.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm gonna go. And then scroll. And then.

[Tom Segura]

This is a perfect time. Would you throw those on for a moment so that, like, we can give you a taste of what you're missing?

[Christina P]

So just so you know, David, I like to collect. I curate tiktoks.

[Brendan Walsh]

But that's what you sound like. That's what I said. Okay. All right. Yeah, this is new.

[Christina P]

I curate tiktoks. Tick tocks. But I like to highlight the marginalized communities, people that don't normally get represented. So I don't get your traditional dance videos and things of that nature. So there you go.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

I mean, being as, like, you're the king of alternatives, I just. I thought this would be pretty cool for you.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Brendan Walsh]

Am I gonna listen? Yeah, guys, I love anal sex as much as the next guy, but I

[Christina P]

just be crushing butthole.

[Brendan Walsh]

Like, I can. 47 years old. I'm five foot three.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

165 pounds. And Tom Segura had a baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

It's very similar.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Brendan Walsh]

So what is he. Is he. Is he looking for.

[Tom Segura]

I think he's just informing the audience.

[Christina P]

He's letting you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That Even though he's 5 foot 3 and 47, he can butt hard.

[Tom Segura]

Throw it down for hip thrust.

[Christina P]

So when I'm having anal sex, I'm

[Brendan Walsh]

just getting up in there. Like, up deep, up in the butt knuckle.

[Christina P]

And sometimes I'd be waking up and

[Brendan Walsh]

shit's stuck to my dick.

[Christina P]

Dried up.

[Brendan Walsh]

Petrified. Oh, this is a joke.

[Christina P]

No.

[Brendan Walsh]

Come on through. Back of the room keys.

[Christina P]

I engineered that to be a certified pole polisher.

[Tom Segura]

So here's what you do.

[Brendan Walsh]

You go to the link tree in my bio.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P]

But he does love butt pounding. And his whole account is dedicated to, like, telling you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's pretty cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Okay.

[Christina P]

And he does sell T shirts about butt butt sexing and stuff, too.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, I want to see one of those T shirts. I'll get one of those.

[Tom Segura]

That's a great idea.

[Brendan Walsh]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we'll actually.

[Brendan Walsh]

You know what?

[Tom Segura]

You guys just take care of it. Don't just take care of it. Order it for us, David.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, no, no. Oh, no. What is that?

[Tom Segura]

You got tattoos? You don't like tats?

[Brendan Walsh]

What is he doing?

[Christina P]

His art is just. He's filling it in, man. I don't know if it's real, though. I feel like. That's not real, right?

[Tom Segura]

That's real.

[Christina P]

It doesn't look real.

[Brendan Walsh]

Wait a minute.

[Christina P]

I don't think that's real.

[Brendan Walsh]

No. What the. Hang on. Oh, come on. No, but it's. It's.

[Christina P]

You think it's real?

[Brendan Walsh]

But look, it's not ink. I mean, it's not tattooing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Christina P]

Is it. It's just pain.

[Tom Segura]

So he's pulling our leg.

[Christina P]

He's pulling your leg. Okay. But I like the effect. I mean, it freaked you out, which is.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, I didn't like that.

[Tom Segura]

That was kind of crazy.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Tom Segura]

That's a crazy flip. Oh, Jesus.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, this is why I'LL fly to Austin and come on this show, catch up on all this, see what's gonna happen. Ouch.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Oh, Jesus.

[Brendan Walsh]

I love it. Christine, this is your collection?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I curate these. Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And where do you get them for just.

[Christina P]

My algorithm is so, so finely tuned.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I can't even get normal toxic. I won't even give it to me. Oh, this guy.

[Brendan Walsh]

So I don't worry about. Walk around a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Teenager. I'm 37.

[Christina P]

I don't think so. So this guy was making all these talks. He's like 17 year old model. I'm actually 37, but I look 17. And I think he just got into some legal trouble.

[Tom Segura]

Can you look it up, Josh boy?

[Christina P]

But his whole thing, I mean, for like a year, he's like, I look.

[Tom Segura]

I know I look young.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. Look at those choppers. Those are not real. Oh, yeah, he's older.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's a model. It says a 36 year old model.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, yeah, he's. He's the kind of guy and I. I'm just going off of looks. Okay. I don't. Not. No personality. I know.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Brendan Walsh]

Don't know who this person is, but he looks like the kind of guy that you would see wandering around like Tompkins Square or, or whatever the equivalent is here in Austin, but who would be emaciated and completely up all in black and like in like open sores and be going, I'm fabulous. Yeah, I'm fabulous.

[Tom Segura]

You'd be surprised to know I'm not 17. You're like, I'm not actually very surprised. I actually believe you.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't think you're fabulous.

[Christina P]

That is such a specific. You know, that you're. That's so specific. That type.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Wow. You really nailed that.

[Brendan Walsh]

And they're. And they walk around, they tell you how fabulous they are in their life and they're.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't think so. Oh, no, you don't. Look, but see the picture on the right. Now do people watch this podcast or they. So they don't know what we're talking about?

[Tom Segura]

No, they know what we're seeing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

36.

[Tom Segura]

Like they'll see that on the top left there.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't think he's 30, but if you're. But you would have to be listening. I mean, you don't have to be watching.

[Tom Segura]

Correct. Yeah, but people will. Okay.

[Christina P]

Theater of the mind.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, nice.

[Christina P]

Maybe your wife, maybe Amber would be interested in this product.

[Tom Segura]

Why don't you come home with a present for her

[Christina P]

eyebrows Are hard to draw in.

[Brendan Walsh]

I. I'm just waiting for the emperor to remove it.

[Tom Segura]

It's gonna look good, dude.

[Christina P]

You're gonna like it.

[Tom Segura]

It'll look really good.

[Christina P]

You'll like the way this looks.

[Tom Segura]

It looks. Well, the thing is that it looks natural, which is what you want.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, dear.

[Christina P]

It's beautiful.

[Brendan Walsh]

She just made herself less feminine.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, I like straight across for the eyebrows. Yeah, you don't want.

[Tom Segura]

You don't want like a curved curve.

[Christina P]

Yeah, straight across it.

[Brendan Walsh]

She's going over her natural eyebrow, which you can still see. So. Yeah, not a good idea.

[Christina P]

That's true. You should shave your reels.

[Tom Segura]

This is how cartoon characters are sometimes drawn. Just like the straight brow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on here?

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't know. We're in this one. We in Bangkok somewhere. Oh, that's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's bad.

[Brendan Walsh]

But, yeah, I don't like those.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but we just checked and

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't like those. I don't like to see that.

[Tom Segura]

We checked. We checked. He's okay. He is okay.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't like. I mean, I really don't like to see.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Brendan Walsh]

If a guy, like the guy who gets hit goes into the car, that's on him.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

This I don't like

[Tom Segura]

doing. Oh, the wheel is gonna end bad.

[Brendan Walsh]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's gonna end real bad.

[Christina P]

I don't like it.

[Tom Segura]

Already he's got the wobblies. But he's okay. He's okay. He's all right.

[Brendan Walsh]

That happened. I. These two teeth are part plastic because when I was third grade, I had a chipper, which was like the chopper bike but for little kids. And I was in. I was going down a very steep hill to my friends, and that happened to my. The wheel. Front wheel went and then just locked and I sprung and I landed on my face. Yeah. And then a neighbor had to carry me up to. Back to my house. And my mom was on the phone. And I remember this, you know, like, old phone from the wall with a little cord, like, you know, and then screaming. Yeah, and then. Yeah, I had these.

[Tom Segura]

Did it go straight to the hospital? Is that where you go for that? I don't know.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't know.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you got them, you said, made out of plastic.

[Brendan Walsh]

They were. They're like bonded. They're like. It's stuff that goes on every once in a while. Maybe seven, eight years. Eight, nine years. Yeah, they just.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever thought about getting a perfect smile?

[Brendan Walsh]

I have. I have fucked up teeth.

[Tom Segura]

We have A. We have the perfect smile. We could probably. We could order it for you.

[Brendan Walsh]

Is that a. Is that a cue?

[Tom Segura]

No, it's. It's just that they'll. I know that we've.

[Brendan Walsh]

Is that a sponsor?

[Tom Segura]

Not a sponsor. Not. We're just. We're fans.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

What is a perfect smile?

[Tom Segura]

Well, they'll pull it up.

[Brendan Walsh]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

The perfect smile is something that can like really change the way you feel and the way you look. You just. You just snap it in.

[Brendan Walsh]

You should be a spokesman.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's very. Oh, no. Oh, those go over your teeth?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's 14.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, well, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, wouldn't you like to wear that?

[Christina P]

You gotta see them in action, though.

[Brendan Walsh]

Do I have to hold my.

[Tom Segura]

That you can't do is talk or eat with them in. But you can do everything else.

[Brendan Walsh]

But I can still scroll. Tick tock. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Scroll. I mean, look at that.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If you can find that perfect smile commercial, it's really great. But.

[Christina P]

And what's really cool about that product is they tell you to put them in hot water and then glue them to your actual.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Which sounds like good advice. Just glue them on there.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. $14 is what.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good deal.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's a really good deal. But I would rather pay $80. Just. It would make me feel better if it was the exact same product.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like, it's more. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Here you go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You're like 14 for my teeth.

[Brendan Walsh]

About your broken, crooked, and missing teeth. You hide your smile because you're ashamed of unsightly gaps and cracks. Wait, are they just now finding out what they look like?

[Tom Segura]

Smile.

[Brendan Walsh]

Confidence. But just. Those are. Sorry, but those are real.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

The ones they just showed

[Tom Segura]

instantly gives you the look of perfect teeth. Oh. Smile fits right over your existing teeth. So you can always put your best.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, my goodness. This is like late night info. Commercial vibes.

[Christina P]

And the problem too with the perfect smile is that the gums are. Are bright red so that you look infected.

[Tom Segura]

You have nice teeth and you have gum disease.

[Brendan Walsh]

That is the most redneck I've ever seen.

[Tom Segura]

It's the perfect smile.

[Christina P]

Perfect smile. Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

I. Because, oh, no. Whatever happens this week will not destroy your life.

[Christina P]

Seriously not true.

[Brendan Walsh]

The bad thing is that you're true. You are strong enough to get through it. You are going to get through it.

[Christina P]

No.

[Brendan Walsh]

And you're going to move on with your life.

[Christina P]

This person hasn't lived.

[Tom Segura]

You'll be okay.

[Brendan Walsh]

You got this. You'll have a good week.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks.

[Brendan Walsh]

Now go have a wonderful Day and I look forward to hearing about it. Thanks, Furry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's pretty neat.

[Christina P]

How do you feel about furries?

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm very much a. I. As long as it doesn't affect me. You can do whatever you want. You can be, say, feel whatever you want as long as it doesn't. And nothing would. But I still think, man, that's kind of fucked up. You know what I mean? Like, I have the same reaction that most people would, but I'm also very much like, hey, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, do. It's sort of like when someone's into play, they're like, I like someone to. On me. And you're like, that's fine, but what's going on?

[Brendan Walsh]

For real?

[Tom Segura]

Why.

[Christina P]

But I feel like that opinion has been lost. It's a very nuanced way of being where you go, hey, man, it's. You're still fudgeing mentally ill, but I'm not going to stop you from being nutty.

[Brendan Walsh]

I just. It's, it's. It's so unappealing. It becomes very curious. Right. Like I actually have started this. I don't want to say it because it's. I'm working on it, but a bit, A bit about bestiality and the, you know. Sure. On paper, it's, it's not. It feels like that's not cool. But, you know, has anybody really checked with the animals? Right, Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah,

[Brendan Walsh]

there's. There's so much of that, like the other thing. Rule 34, you know, Rule 34, it's that I'm paraphrasing it, but like, anything is acceptable in porn. Like, like, I think it applies to cartoon. Like when you see Bart Simpson or the Family Guy lady and she's, you know. Can I say that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay,

[Brendan Walsh]

that's rule 34.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Okay. Okay.

[Brendan Walsh]

Pull it up. Come on, guys. You got the.

[Tom Segura]

Got the machine thing.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, rule 34. You're right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And. And it's all the. That stuff to me is like, wow, that's not appealing. But. And that's like kind of the furry thing, right? Or the, the.

[Christina P]

You know what? You know what? It's bothersome to me is to take things that you liked as a child.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, there it is. There. There is a porn of it. No exceptions.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's Rule 34.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. There's a porn version that's appealing to somebody.

[Tom Segura]

That is a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always a. A cool porn out there. Whatever you want, it exists.

[Christina P]

That's.

[Brendan Walsh]

There. There is a magazine that I. There's a place on 7th street that used to have all these international crazy. Not, you know, just catering to every fetish and whatever. Also, like, political magazines and all this stuff. And I got. My mom had. I can't remember what it was, but some. Something that she had to go, like an elective surgery or whatever. She had to go to the hospital. And she was in the hospital room for a private room for like two or three days. And I got all these magazines and put them out of her reach. So I got a. There's a magazine called Sports Sploosh or Splash or something like that. It was British, you know, women who. Oh, I dropped a thing of oatmeal on me. And that was the whole thing. It's like, you got that for your mom? So I put it. But I put it on this dresser that was, like, across from her bed. She was kind of, you know, had to stay in the bed and like these lesbian magazines and a communist worker magazine. I got all these. And she was so. She was so unhappy with me. David, take those. Take those away. All right, Mom, I gotta go. Gotta go back to New York. Bye.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's nothing more fun than torfing a mother.

[Brendan Walsh]

But also to go and to see, like, wow. And the poorest quality just.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Why didn't they. No production value.

[Brendan Walsh]

No production value.

[Christina P]

Why do the Brits love that? The Brits are really into sn. Like spanking and sploshing.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's so funny there. Yeah. The Brit. It was a British magazine. Sploosh. Or Splosh. And they love that. But they also did dogging. What's that? That's where you go. Where somebody goes in. In a car. Like, you go to, like, a field, right? You bring. And you drive there. And then you. Somebody. And then you go. You go around. Like, strangers will go around and jerk off while they're watching you. Oh, that's kind of nice.

[Christina P]

That is nice.

[Brendan Walsh]

It's a community.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Dogging.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

British England. British slang term for engaging and watching others doing so. There you go. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That seems harmless.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, it's fun.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And again. Again. Nobody.

[Tom Segura]

What? There's a panther in the house.

[Brendan Walsh]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

The Ruskies and the. And some of the Middle Eastern.

[Christina P]

Yeah, There you go.

[Tom Segura]

They'll have, like, a bobcat.

[Christina P]

And those are nice lace curtains, by the way. My nana had those in her apartment in Hungary, too.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, my. My great grandfather had a black panther.

[Christina P]

No.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, he didn't. He did not. In Leeds, England.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Yeah. How come the English don't do this. This is specifically Eastern blogger. This is very cold.

[Brendan Walsh]

No, they're more sophisticated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I think that's why they want the BDSM stuff. There's, so there's such a. I didn't

[Brendan Walsh]

know, I didn't know that was, I thought that was more like German.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

I, I, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe you're right.

[Brendan Walsh]

I don't think it's Brit. I know, I know. Dogging and, and splooshing or splash, whatever it is. I think it's sploosh and.

[Christina P]

But there are all these flyers in the 90s when I lived in England for dominatrixes and get like in the,

[Brendan Walsh]

in the, yeah, the phone box.

[Christina P]

Yes. And I was like, is this really. It wasn't just straight up hookers. It was very specific. It was always get spanked, madam so and so will punish you.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'm like, we know who's way, way into BDSM is the Hasidic community.

[Christina P]

No.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yes, absolutely. I'm not joking because I know a dominate, you know, Dino Stambotopoulos.

[Tom Segura]

No, no.

[Brendan Walsh]

So I knew he was married to a dominatrix for quite a while. And she, who's British, interestingly, she used to work in the East Village, Lower east side and, and the bulk of her. And I met her friends and, you know, and that was her job, that was her work. And it was not a, you know, it wasn't a taboo or anything. She would just talk about it like, yeah, this is, you know, I had this client today and a lot of their clients were Hasidim.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Brendan Walsh]

For real. Yeah. And I had heard that before or after at some point.

[Tom Segura]

But isn't that makes sense when somebody lives like, more strictly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Release.

[Brendan Walsh]

Well, that's the same thing as like the, the latent homosexuals in the Christian community.

[Christina P]

We were just talking about that. Like the priest, I mean, not the priest or, or the, like the pastor, the politician or the pastor who's anti gay.

[Brendan Walsh]

And yeah, he gets busted for that all the time.

[Tom Segura]

All the time. Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Like, and so, yeah, if you live in that kind of, you know, restrictive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

All the more reason to be like, hey, man, you do what you want to do. Just don't affect me or my family.

[Christina P]

Oh, for sure. You know, go do that weird.

[Tom Segura]

Do y' all gay stuff if you want, if you want to be friends with Satan. Oh, that's pretty cool, Christine.

[Christina P]

Oh, I think this is awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Christina P]

I mean, you've never seen that before though, right?

[Brendan Walsh]

Nope.

[Tom Segura]

And you sure you don't want Tick tock.

[Christina P]

I can. I can send these to you if you want.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, and the eyes. He did. He did his eyes too.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Brendan Walsh]

God, man. The. The amount of. I can't imagine the regret if you do regret it later. Of like, where.

[Tom Segura]

Where do you see it? Where's the potential regret?

[Brendan Walsh]

Just the eyes, I think. Everything else.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, everything else is pretty solid.

[Brendan Walsh]

I mean, the mustard ketchup thing is so convenient. It is convenient, yeah. I mean, are you tired of having to constantly dip your fry in front of you? So awful.

[Tom Segura]

It's fucking amazing.

[Christina P]

And then he split his tongue on top of it.

[Brendan Walsh]

What do you think came first?

[Christina P]

Wow, you're really.

[Brendan Walsh]

Tongue.

[Tom Segura]

Split tongue for.

[Christina P]

Yeah, no, the ears first. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right.

[Christina P]

The plugs and that. Horseshit. He's got to stretch out his.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then he's like, you know what?

[Tom Segura]

The nose is bold.

[Christina P]

I got to do the tongue. And then he was like, eyes, I think eyes and then nose and then. But how did he connect that? He could, do you think, find containers.

[Tom Segura]

All this, though, is just. Is just him being like you, dad.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Without question.

[Brendan Walsh]

Or just trying to get his dad's approval.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do you think now?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah, his dad was. Is, you know, was a carney.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

And he never got.

[Christina P]

Oh, look. And he's got a horn in his forehead too. So he's had that. That player.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So much body mod. Awesome, man. This guy's rad. Got one more here, I think. What else? What's your big closer?

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh, I forgot her bonnet.

[Brendan Walsh]

Oh, no.

[Christina P]

That's why I wear bonnets. The first reason is that I like them. They also serve quite a few functions for me that might not be obvious. I live with a severe sound sensor sensitivity called hyperacusis. I rarely leave the house, but when I do, I need to wear things that protect my sensitive ears. Earplugs are easily hidden with bonnets. So when I wear a bonnet, you can't tell that I have hearing protection. I'm wearing a normal hat.

[Brendan Walsh]

Really?

[Christina P]

That's okay. It's just not my preference for that to be seen. If I'm not wearing earplugs, I'm wearing noise canceling headphones, which slip really nicely over my bonnets. But with hats, they aren't quite as effective and they leave little gaps.

[Tom Segura]

This is a long explanation for sake.

[Brendan Walsh]

Also, don't. Don't chickens make noise

[Christina P]

all day?

[Tom Segura]

All day?

[Brendan Walsh]

I would think rabbits don't make noise.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Brendan Walsh]

I mean, there Are other things to get.

[Tom Segura]

What if in the second half of this video, she goes and that's why I ripped the vocal cords out of all my chickens with my bare hands. A.

[Brendan Walsh]

And do you think she really has hyper coco?

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't think so. Yeah, I think that's just one of those. I have a condition.

[Brendan Walsh]

Is that. Look behind her?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Brendan Walsh]

That's a blender, isn't it? Yeah. Wait, hang on.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna.

[Brendan Walsh]

That's a blender.

[Christina P]

She's making cakes and it's a loud life.

[Brendan Walsh]

She's making loud cakes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Loud ass cakes.

[Brendan Walsh]

Cakes with chickens running around.

[Tom Segura]

No one's buying your story, ma'. Am. A hyper. Get the out of here.

[Brendan Walsh]

Back on the bed just so I can stroke your head. If you want me to stop, I can't understand. I will be gentle.

[Tom Segura]

This is in her feed. You understand that, right?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah. Why? What is. What's happening?

[Christina P]

Do you feel. Look, he's trying to romance you, dude. Let it. Let him romance you. Don't you feel seduced?

[Brendan Walsh]

Lay you back on the mat. He's okay. He's telling us what he'd do with both of his hands. Or no, he has more than two. But what he's gonna do with two of them.

[Tom Segura]

Two of them?

[Brendan Walsh]

Yeah,

[Christina P]

they lay you back on.

[Tom Segura]

You ever see this guy at a show?

[Christina P]

If you want me to stop, I can understand. I will be gentle with my two hands.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah,

[Brendan Walsh]

My two hands. Okay. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

What a nice way to wrap things up. The two Hand song. That was so cool.

[Christina P]

But I want him to stroke my head. You know, I like having head scratches. My favorite.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely.

[Christina P]

I'd let him scratch me.

[Tom Segura]

David Cross has a new special. It's the end of the beginning of the end. It is out now on YouTube. We here at YMH Studios produced it along with some other friends. But let's talk about us. And you can watch right now. You're hilarious as always. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for letting us work.

[Brendan Walsh]

Absolutely. My pleasure.

[Tom Segura]

It was a pleasure. And yeah, I can't wait for you to come back. I hope you come back soon, man. Yeah. See you guys next week.

[Christina P]

My mommies. This is Captain Marcel.

[Tom Segura]

Marcel. Marcel.

[Christina P]

My sister went down, down to the mountain.

[Tom Segura]

You might be a TikTok. TikTok, TikTok, TikTok.

[Christina P]

I gotta say my sister say bye.

[Tom Segura]

Say bye bye.

[Christina P]

Tell everybody I'll be back.

[Brendan Walsh]

I need backup. I'll see you later.

[Christina P]

Back.

[Brendan Walsh]

I'll see you later.

[Christina P]

Bye. Bye. Just waiting for my lunch.

[Brendan Walsh]

Just waiting for my lunch. Just waiting for my lunch. I ordered a buffalo burger. Mine, dinner. Mine, dinner. Mine, dinner.

[Christina P]

I ordered a buffalo burger.

[Brendan Walsh]

My nanner, My nanner, My nanner. I ordered a buffalo burger.

[Tom Segura]

Cause I got the movies, movies, movies.

[Brendan Walsh]

Okay, guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a cow. Okay, guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a. Thanks for watching.